Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 290 - Katie-Ellen Humphries

Episode Date: October 7, 2013

Katie-Ellen Humphries returns to talk gut stuff, road rage, and game shows.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 290 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a sight for sore eyes, Mr. Dave Shubka. Thanks. Have you been, um... I just feel like I just heard the weirdest noise.

Yeah, something fell down. A cassette. Oh, okay. Um, yeah, I'm a sight for sore eyes. Yeah, yeah. Am I like, I'm like an oasis in the desert? Yeah, you're like Visine, kind of after a long night of bong rips. Question mark? Terminology? That's what people use bongs for, to rip. Yeah.

Bong, grip, and rip. And our guest today, fourth time, we've determined, very funny lady. It's been determined. Yeah, we went to the boards. Very funny lady. Just all around great gal, Miss Katie Ellen Humphries is our guest. Hiya, fellas. Welcome back.

Thanks. Great to be here. How are you? Superb. Are you really? Sure. Sure. Happy to be with you, gentlemen.

Yeah, right? On a stormy night? Mm-hmm. Dark and be with you, gentlemen. Yeah, right? On a stormy night? Mm-hmm. Dark and stormy. Let's drink dark and stormy. Yeah. What are those? Oh, I don't know.

How do you make one of those? I think it's maybe like Earl Grey tea in a Guinness. Dark and stormy is a Jamaican drink? Yeah. I thought there's the rum, I think. Maybe it's rum and ginger beer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. stormy is a jamaican drink yeah i thought there's the rum maybe it's rum and ginger beer yeah yeah yeah and then uh we eat some johnny cakes and uh what am i thinking what's a black and tan uh you know somebody spends too much time at the buddy cop movie

yeah body cop movie with tan mom and chris rock i was really like really searching for a famous tanned person and I yeah tan mom is great great Paul you know you do a

weekly segment on a famous tanned person yeah that's true what if what's that guy the actor he's like

from kind of he was like very popular in the 70s and uh but his whole thing is there oh George

yeah yeah Murat's on no no you're George something yeah Very popular in the 70s. But his whole thing is... Oh, George Murritson. No! No! You're George something. Yeah. George... Yes, George Hamilton. Yeah.

The hammer. Thanks for being here. Yeah. Absolutely. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Katie. Yes, sir.

It's been... I don't know how long... It's been a while. Yeah. Yes, sir. It's been, I don't know how long. It's been a while. Yeah. Oh, no, a year, a year and a half. What's new? Standard. What's shaking? Yeah.

Well, I've spent the last, most of the last year, truthfully, definitely the last six months, healing from some form of infection or another. Okay. Or some sort of illness. This is very distressing. Yeah.

Yeah, but I am on the mend as of now. You have lupus? I think. You know, you're not the first person to ask, and you're not even the... Like, people ask me earnestly, and it was a concern. Yeah, you're not even the silliest person to ask. It was a concern for a time being that I might have lupus. Yeah, yeah.

I don't. Lupus is like an immuno thing. Yeah, and it's like a... It's not a... No one's accusing you. Am I wrong by saying that lupus is like one of these... It's like a cat. Yeah, it's like a...

But it's a catch, kind of a catch-all condition? If you've seen an episode of House, and you are ill but you don't know why, maybe it's lupus. Who are you going to call? Loupusters. So not lupus. No. And really, the manifestation of it has just meant that in addition to a few months ago just being horribly, horribly ill, for like four or five months now, I just can't eat almost any foods. What foods can you eat?

I can eat leafy greens. Kale? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Superfood. Yeah. Your spinach.

Yeah. A lot of celery. Look at how well Popeye did all those years. That's all he ate. Yeah. What did I hear about Look at how well Popeye did all those years. That's all he ate. Yeah. What did I hear about that recently? Lean organic proteins. About Popeye?

The reason he ate... Oh, yeah. It was a misplaced decimal point. A misplaced decimal in the amount of iron in it. Oh, right. And he used to... I think the original incarnation of Popeye when he was a comic strip character was tobacco. It wasn't spinach at all.

Oh, well, there's no misplaced decimal in that. Tobacco is great for your strength. Yeah, and it also makes your arms gigantic because they fill with fluid. If you eat tobacco all the time, you get these giant fishbowl arms. Yeah, and olive oil never eats it, which is why her bones are constantly jelly. That's right, she had jelly arms. Did she have jelly legs? Well, look, she had jelly bones.

Yeah, like when she'd be frightened, all of her bones would just turn to liquid. Well, the doctor was like, oh, we need to drain this fluid. Quick, let me stab an anchor shape into your arm. And that didn't work. let me stab an uh an anchor shape into your arm and that didn't work and now normally someone whose bones turn to jelly when they are frightened would not be frightened as often as olive oil but she was constantly absconded with by a slavic gentleman was it was brudis brudis pluto pl? Pluto. Was it never Brutus? It was never Brutus.

Yeah, it was... Maybe it was Brutus. No, Pluto. It was always Pluto. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're laying it down. Yeah. I don't know.

There's a lot of sick people in that town. Wimpy only ate hamburgers. Sure. Try to get him to eat a leafy green. Yeah. Forget about it. Even with Pope about it even with popeye even with popeye living in their town the hero of leafy greens i don't remember anyone else loving popeye yeah it's true he did get mostly fights yeah that was his whole thing was fighting and he wasn't a

hero in the traditional sense that literally the only person he saved was his girlfriend who was just getting stolen by another guy who presumably wanted her to be his girlfriend. It wasn't like a ransom situation. And they never got past zero at the base. There was never kissing. There was never, like, what do you call that? Not Stockholm Syndrome? Where you kind of feel for your captor. Because, I mean, they would have gotten to know each other really well over the many captures. The daily kidnappings.

He would have figured out things that she liked. She would have had her favorite snacks at his house, presumably. Oh, yeah. He would have tried to be the man that Popeye never was. Popeye was just, he was, she didn't want to live out on a boat. That's all he wanted to do. Maybe the magic faded even from that relationship. It was just more like a job after a while.

Yeah. Going down the old mill where I am a captive. What if? First of all, Popeye didn't live in a boat. He lived in a garbage can. He ate all the worms and spat out the germs. He's Popeye the Sailor Man. Is there a possibility...

It was frying pan, too. ...that Bluto actually loved Popeye? It was just using olive oil. To get attention. Yeah, yeah. He was trying to draw Popeye in. And, uh, because that was a lot anyways uh this is you brought this up i think yeah you said you ate a leafy green so leafy greens are okay yeah yeah and uh lean protein so a chicken yeah and a little bit of

introduce some red meat back into my diet this is fascinating a And a little bit of introduce some red meat back into my diet. This is fascinating. A little bit of nuts. But you don't look like somebody who's been ill for six months. You look very bright. You look very healthy. You look very together. Thanks. I feel I've turned a corner of late.

Good. Yeah. You introduced some nuts. Yeah. Right. Nuts and berries. What about like so is all like wheat out? Yeah, you introduced some nuts. Yeah, right? Yeah, nuts and berries. What about, like, so is all, like, wheat out?

Yeah, no grains at all. No fruit was the hardest part, for sure. No fruit? Too much sugar. What? Fruit barely has sugar. Like, they say fruit has sugar, but, like, compare it to ice cream. Like, sugar, sugar.

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. It's been been so when i say i haven't really been up to much i have not been up to much because i there's not a lot i can't like drink or eat i think that's the opposite you've been up to a struggle to survive right so when i say i've been up to not much. I've been mostly kidnapping this one girl. I don't mean anything by it. Yeah. Okay, because I follow you on Instagram. Oh, yeah. And you posted a picture of like a highball, a gin and tonic.

That's true. Yeah, yeah. And you said it was the first you'd had in months. And I was like, does Katie have a problem? Is Katie? Right. But like, if she has a problem, why is she slowly introducing me? Celebrating like, I'm back, guys. So how was that?

Gin and tonic, was it? Oh, yeah. I got hella drunk. Oh, good. Yeah. From one? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Funky. It's pretty fun. Yeah. It's like, I think when I was a teenager, my friend had a sauna. We'd go in the sauna first before we drank because you sweat out a bit and it was easier to get drunk yeah yeah and also you can kiss a bit in the sun yeah yeah when i was a heavier drinker when i was younger it's my favorite thing to work out really hard for uh quite a long time before i went out drinking for that same reason this was

me finding the loophole around the workout part much more clever how do you sweat without moving finding the loophole around the workout part. Much more clever. How do you sweat without moving? Is there, like, I always, yeah, I think about that. Because when I was in university, we had, like, Alcohol Awareness Month, where they brought a cop with a breathalyzer. And he was like, here's how much you can drink and still be legal to drive.

Oh, wow. How much was it? It was different for every person. Oh, it's good to know that but my my resident advisor or um what's the letters for that i can never remember uh he said he was one of the participants and he said oh i uh yeah no i there's no way i should have been able to drive and i was blowing under oh really the uh legal limit yeah like like i was so is that a metabolism thing or i don't know but i feel like yeah it has to do with timing for sure

too like when you've imbibed it to when you imbibed a like you with your uh uh he's been spending a lot of time with the old dictionary yeah not up to much huh huh? Yeah. Leafy greens, like these dictionary pages. I don't know what that means. But if you only had that one drink, but you were feeling super drunk, you were probably legal. Yeah. Well, when I say that I had one drink, it was obviously a double. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.

Does that count as... Off the weight? I'm not sure. If... I figure if it comes in one container that's one drink right it doesn't matter in size you don't start breaking down if it comes attached to one helmet um yeah i'm not i uh i'm a zero i'm a zero tolerance kind of gal. And is gin... What is gin? What is that made out of? I don't know.

Is that a grain? A fruit? So, yeah. Again, no alcohol, none of that stuff. But I did... My naturopath did tell me. She was like, listen, if you do drink just vodka and gin... Well, it could make sense. That's just and gin. Vodka makes sense.

That's just a potato. Just vodka or gin with, like, no mix or anything, just soda. And then she gave me the name of this brewery on Hornby Island that makes this, like, ultra-pure vodka and gin. Mmm. So? And it's super delicious. And, like, I still don't know what gin's from. Well, vodka gin from a potato

vodka is from a potato but I believe vodka can also be from wheat yeah yeah the really cheap stuff okay let's go through

all your spirits and try to figure out what they're from based on what we know of like geography like is rum sugar cane

uh oh I don't know what rum is uh I know the bacardi breezer is the cooler with just a splash of rum i i know like bourbon and whiskey that's all for rye or no it's wheat isn't it rye what's corn go into uh everything else absolutely everything else what's rye like would i recognize rye rye is a type of wheat like rye is we're now we have types of wheat yeah there's like uh there's uh what about weed has anyone made a booze from weed man probably i bet there's hemp booze yeah yeah i think we've had it haven't we had it hemp aleemp ale? Oh, that doesn't count.

That's just some dumb microbrewery. I don't know where rum's from. I don't know what... Scotch is a derivative of whiskey, right? So it's also from wheat or peat. It's made with... Right? Peat is like a thing that goes in whiskey somehow

oh i thought you just made in front of ireland peat's wicked summer brews made with peat yeah made it in association with uh i don't know what else what else is there oh well gin what is gin from that's really and uh it's my understanding that tequila is made from worms? Yeah. Is tequila made from the agave melon? Tequila doesn't come from a cactus. Oh, by the way, people hate this. Yeah, oh, I know.

This drives, this is some mixologist just like, ah! Yeah, he's going to throw away his sleep garters and strangle himself with them. Okay, I was going to look up gin on ginkopedia I think yeah gin is made from bathtubs as I understand yeah there you go oh all right guys made it card game you never would have guessed this

was it made from it's made from a berry oh chin blossoms there you go yep yep congratulations I'm shaking What's it made from? It's made from a berry. Oh, gin blossoms. Gin blossoms. There you go. Yep, yep. Congratulations. I'm shaking Katie's hand, and that's the end of the podcast. Juniper berries.

Oh. Do you know what gin blossoms are? Yeah, that's the old red nose. The burst blood vessels on a drunk's nose. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. And also great, great 90s band.

Oh, yeah. I don't remember their song, Follow You Down. Was that them? Well, that was them, yeah. Hey, Jealousy, Allison Road, Till I Hear From You. They had a great collection of albums. What a catalog. Yeah, everything from that first album, New Miserable Experience, to that second album.

Congratulations. I'm sorry. The last Miserable Experience. Old Head, Miserable experience to that second album. Congratulations. I'm sorry. The last miserable experience. Old hat miserable experience. Actual miserable experience. So you're on the wagon? Oh, no. I don't want to get on that.

Off the wagon. I'm not sure. There's a Seinfeld about it. Yeah. But you're feeling better. Yes. This is great. Yes.

Partly I mention it because it is a weird. It's what i ended up i had a lot of different things but the sort of primary thing that caused the most trouble ended up being like three aggressive bacterial overgrowth in my intestine okay so and it took a really really long time figure out. And a lot of gut stuff like that, it is kind of like, it was almost lucky that I ended up getting so ill, or I would have just been like moderately ill kind of forever. Oh, yeah. I think a lot of people feel kind of shit, but they just think like, oh, this is how I feel now. Feeling kind of shit was the third think like oh this is how i feel feeling kind of shit was the

third jim lawson's album like i hear a lot of my friends in i don't know i'm in my 30s now this is what it feels like your body changes man yeah every seven years if you feel shitty like if you think you're sick you might be sick but then uh but here's now this has been my experience is you go to the doctor and you go uh i feel sick in this general area and they go i don't know like you look sick in that general area go uh lupus i'm guessing lupus and then uh and then that's it that's the end of the line on this lupus stick. Yeah, for sure. It was really, really frustrating. And I will say, it's on my mind today as well, just because of what's going on in America with the healthcare stuff, is that I also had to go a private healthcare route a little bit.

And then I had to go, I went through the naturopath and my GP, but I ended up going to the naturopath and paying out of pocket for all the testing and stuff. So I was like $1,100 into figuring out what was wrong with me see i don't know because it's that or those new speakers that i really have yeah yeah i mean that how do i know those won't make me feel that's actually a pretty reasonable price to pay it absolutely is yeah yeah but it's like you still had to go but i'm also in a fortunate position where like i yeah have that around or i just even have the resource to be like oh maybe i'll try a different route yeah so uh the different route was that entirely you go to a naturopath all the way down the line or is that a part of uh at what point does your naturopath say it's okay to have apple

jacks for breakfast well so far at this point i feel like now I'm like this weird test case. Like I feel like maybe no one else. But I'm pathologically obedient. I really like rules. So once you told me, like, you can only eat these six things. I was like, great, those six things. And I feel like no one else. No dairy?

Yeah, no dairy. I feel like no one sticks to things like that. See, that's as crazy to me as saying no dairy. Of course no dairy yeah no no i feel like no one sticks to things like that see that's as crazy to me as saying no dairy of course no dairy so every time i go back to see her i expect to be like the time that we will reintroduce new foods and every time she's like what do you say i thought we'd talk about introducing foods but i really i'd like to see another eight weeks because i feel like she's just so surprised that anyone has done it for so long that she's trying to see like somebody's done it for like three days and be like this isn't working

yeah i'm actually not even a naturopath i'm a psychologist i'm just trying to see i'm a case we're gonna see if you'll electrocute this guy to death wow well i did a thing where i did not, I was just getting too full from eating too much. So I gave up the... I gotta go to a naturopath. Are you eating too much food? When you're done dinner and you're still full, how much more food do you eat? Two more meals.

But I gave up the very broad category of sweets, which is things that you eat after dinner. Or chocolate bars between lunch and dinner. And I did that for a month. And I was like, ooh, I think I'm okay. Let's get me back on the sugar wagon. But just eating six things.

How long has it been? I think that would be a good game show or reality show where you spin a wheel and you only get six things that you can eat and you have to... It's basically Iron Chef, but prolonged. What if you expand it out a little bit

and it's just you have to give up something on the wheel? It's sugar, or you can't... There's no sex. No one leg. Electricity. That would be cool and then like they weren't all in the sailing category i like that idea yeah yeah and then you uh they go away you know chuck woolery probably yeah that's who i'm thinking i'm thinking constantly of chuck

yeah he's expressed interest in the project so uh and then And then that team goes away and is doing it, and then it's an interview. They're doing it? Well, not the ones that have to go without sex. Yeah. Katie's interested in it. Katie's interested now that they're doing it. With Chuck Woolery. Yeah, we got some of those night vision cameras.

Oh, yeah. Reality TV special. But they can't really show you what happens, which is frustrating. How come reality television hasn't adopted the heat sensing cameras

where you can just film the outside of a house and see what's going on inside the house? Because they have access to the inside of the house. That's true. Touche.

So, how long has it been with no sugar? I think five months. But alcohol was your sugar? Yeah, the one drink I had last week, yeah. But also, did you eat sugar before? Did you eat like chocolate or anything?

Chocolate bars. Chocolate bars. Don't wash my face. No. No? You never ate so for a while at first i was still having carrots because for some reason i misunderstood the list and i was like no carrot juice that's got too much sugar but i can still have carrots yeah no carrots like whatever you think a rabbit eats yeah what's that what's being what is the naturopath uh saying like let's reintroduce what's what's the first things like maybe in another month oh the first things did you say

the naturopath is a man or a woman it's a gal i was guessing gal but i didn't want to say in case you had already said it but that was my guess okay that's a fair guess because women are like i've seen a man naturopath at the place, but he's got a facial piercing. Oh, right. Barely. How do you know that that's not some sort of naturopath thing? Like he needs more electricity in his face. It's a magnet lip ring.

Yeah. Is it a lip ring? I can't remember. I only remember thinking, I was like, oh, that guy looks cool. I was like, oh, maybe I could see a gentleman, a naturopath. And then he turned around. I was like, nope. What if you bring it up with your naturopath and she goes, oh, he was in the war.

That's shrapnel. Can't remember. He'll die. Then you'll feel terrible, right? Or will you feel better? Could you think you could get, like, to be the ultimate male naturopath, you could get your dreadlock pierced to your eyebrow? Oh, that's something they offer. Who they?

They. Maybe he just got carried away doing, like, self acupuncture. Yeah. Doing a selfie. Is that? Yeah, you can't do acupuncture on your own back. Well, I guess you just put the needles on a dartboard and back into the room. The needles I'm phasing out on a dartboard?

I guess they'd have to be double-ended needles. Double-ended needles? No, you would tape a needle to the dart, throw it at the dartboard. Why do you need a board for that? You just have any tape anywhere. No, I'm improvising. i'm trying to make this work um oh that would be so frustrating to be like the best guy at acupuncture that no one can do it right to you oh yeah it's gonna be like being a really good hairdresser yeah same thing you look

look for the guy with the worst haircut he's the best hairdresser is that true because everyone else cuts his hair what about the skinniest guy is's the best hairdresser. Is that true? Because everyone else cuts his hair. What about the skinniest guy? Is he the best chef? Yeah. Yeah, because he won't eat anybody else's food. But why can't he just prepare food for himself? He can be resentful. Yeah.

Why do I have to do this? Sorry. What was the next in a couple months? What can't you wait to eat? Oh, there's one thing I can't wait to eat. So what was the next in a couple months? What can't you wait to eat? The last thing I can't wait to eat, the first reintroduction foods are not those foods. The first things that you can introduce are green apples,

maybe a little bit of feta cheese. I think those are the first two. Yeah, you can make a real nice salad right there. I'm liking it. Because you can have greens, a little feta cheese, a little apple. The'm liking it. Yeah. Because you can have greens, a little feta cheese, a little apple. Right? Yeah.

The problem is not enough variety. Like, I get bored. I don't want to eat the same six foods every day. Oof. I think I could really go for that. A Jetson-style lifestyle. Just the pill and you're on your way. Just like a real, because you just buy the same six things all the time, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's definitely. This is what I'm eating. Yeah. It has cut down my time at the grocery store. Because they used to walk up and down the aisles and think, what would I like to consume in the next little while? Yeah, which of those pretzels define me?

Yeah. Let's buy them all and find out. Have you guys had those pretzel buns? Because that came out since I'm... I'm sure they existed before that, but they came into my... Oh, from like Whole Foods? Oh, I don't know. I see them on like advertised, like Wendy's serves like a burger that's on a pretzel bun

and stuff. And those came into my consciousness since I've been sick. Great. And that sounds amazing. When do you feel like your naturopath is going to let you have Wendy's? When is that going to be reintroduced? Have you seen those commercials? Never. A clock? Never. I'm not

missing. There's pretzel bun fascination, though. I like Wendy's. I go to Wendy's once a month, maybe. Why? I thought it would be more than that. I'm a little surprised by the once a month. Currently, once a month.

It ebbs it flows but those commercials i've never had that thing because those commercials are very obnoxious they're the ones with the guy who's like he's got jury duty i've never seen this commercial the guy's got oh yeah you were out of the country this guy's got jury duty he's excited because the courthouse is across the street from this uh he's a he's a foodie and the courthouse is across the street from this. He's a foodie. And the courthouse is across the street from this tiny little burger place that does these pretzel bun burgers. Oh, you guys are eating them.

Nope, we got ours from Wendy's. And he went, whoa, whoa, whoa. What, I got jury duty for this? Guilty as charged uh well that man i'm really glad that you're you're back to to well thanks man yeah yeah absolutely yeah that's and uh so like yeah it's just super shitty but it's amazing that you because i would have just thrown myself from the train like this is how we're all going to die, right? Well, I'm going to go out in a blaze of glory.

Everybody here knows I'm going out in a hail of bullets. But we're all getting allergic to this stuff in one way or another. It's not just being 30. Or in my case, 52. You know that thing they do on Dr. Oz, your real age? You've seen that? An episode of where it's like, okay, so you're actually 28, but because of your cholesterol level. You smoke.

Well, just, they don't even, it's like they do a bunch of tests and stuff, and they're like, according to this, your real age is, you know, whatever. It's always higher. It's never somebody who's like, you're like 18. Right. Let's tap her blood. She's the fountain of youth. And they destroy her. Yeah.

They rip her apart and drink all of her essence. But it's always somebody, you know, and it's that your real age is, you know, you're 28, but your real age is 41. I always heard that your real age is your first pet's name and your mother's maiden name. No, it's half your age plus seven. That's your real age. go down the road and people or when I'm doing comedy and people after the show for whatever reason will ask me how old I am or will

tell me how old they think I am and it is always like 15 years older than I really? yeah like it destroys and I wish it didn't but like it just destroys me every time like I'm devastated well I mean

why first of all why would you give a shit how many people have ever asked me or told me that none like it's such a sexist thing oh absolutely yeah nobody's ever come up and like said how old are you after a show to me i've had plenty of people say i want to try comedy i think i'm funnier than you have that i if someone finally kind of hinted that it might because i uh that i see you've got mom hands i do that's true i seem old like old timey i seem older you do finish off every set by singing lydia the tattooed lady it's a very old song you yeah like you seem like you were born in 1910. So are you 103? But that's what I mean.

I understand that angle, but what about that makes you think that I'm in my mid-40s? You go on stage wearing all furs. Yeah, you seem old-timey, like you were born in 1970. But really, is this women or guys? Are guys coming up after and asking you how old you are? Doesn't seem like a thing guys would give a shit about, really. No. It's women, right?

So it's not sexist. Stop bringing your sisters down, sisters. Yeah, come on. Stop cutting each other's necks. Who sang that song, Rise Up? I think it was a woman. Gloria Estefan. Yeah.

Come on, baby, let me do that. Come on, rise up, baby, baby. Post- do that. Come on. Rise up, baby. Baby. Post accident. What? What accident? She shit her pants. Come back.

She was on tour with Fergie. Yeah. The Miami Sand Machine hit the brown note. Gross. What accident? She was in some kind of boat thing or car. Bus, bus. She was on a ferry.

She got hit by a bus. She was on a boat bus. She was on one of those duck bus tours. One of those. She got hit by a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was touring the canals of Ottawa. Does anybody know what happened to Gloria?

You know. What accident? I was going to say car accident. Car accident, okay. And was it like one of those like... It crushed her dancing leg. She was not a famous dancer. Well, she wasn't unfamous for dancing.

And all that time she was like, I was so worried that the rhythm was going to get me. Fun. How did we get on, Estefan? I have an infection in my gut. Leave your greens. And so forth. Dave, what's going on with you man well last week on the show you told a story of uh when you a guy tried to fight you and you cried and you you no no like please don't fight

we cried together him and i both cried when we realized we had so much in common and that i had named him sue yeah he was just coming back for revenge. And society had made him. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. When you, no, you told the story about a guy who tried to fight you, or like something that could have escalated into a fight. Very quickly, yeah. He wanted it.

But no fighting happened. No. Well, yesterday morning, a few feet from here, as I was getting in my car to go to work, I live right near a traffic circle or a roundabout. Yeah. And people are very confused about how these work. Instead of a stop sign, it's just a circle in the middle of the street. Yeah.

And everybody's confused by that. The way it works is the person in the roundabout has the right of way. So if someone's already in the roundabout, you yield to them. You yield to your left. Not everyone knows this. And I saw, I witnessed actual road rage of people getting out of their cars. So what happened is there was a gentleman it was weird because it was like there were two two people involved and sort of the

status uh shifted back and forth in the in in like the course of a minute and uh this one guy was going through in an infinity and uh he's kind of well to do sure and this guy cuts him off uh in his his honda minivan oh okay all right and uh and there's honking i'm trying to picture what kind of pants each of these guys are wearing um like a wool slack yeah on the infinity and a black sweat okay okay good yeah um yeah it might have been jeans um he was a country singer uh but anyway so the uh there's honking back and forth and i and i'm in my car like looking through the rear view mirror the side mirror and i'm i'm trying to like i'm trying to figure out who made the mistake and like who's wrong in this situation yeah like who are you gonna back in the fight yeah and and i'm like ah it's hard to tell because like i'm looking through my mirror so i

don't know who's on the right and who's on the left wait a minute do they both have right-hand drive cars? That can't be right. So the guy who cut the... I've gone through this story over and over in my head, and it's so confusing when I tell it. The guy told the guy. Yeah. So sweatpants. Just go by pants. Okay. Sweatpants, cut-off slacks.

All right? He was wearing cut off slacks? And so Sweatpants gets out of his car, and he starts giving slacks the business. Slacks opens up his door, but stays in his seat, and is like, hey, what's going on? Yeah, you learn the rules of the road. Sweatpants is yelling at him. So slacks is right at this point right then slacks uh gets up out of his car he forgets to take the car out of drive so the card like just

lightly goes into into sweatpants's car oh boy and sweatpants at this point it the status is Oh boy. right yeah uh sweatpants doesn't have a sweat leg to stand on so now sweatpants he's not he does he even realize his car's been hit he looks and then doesn't react at all and just keeps going at him and then so slacks is like at this point he's like hey just punch me just hit me yeah hit me i'm bigger than you this is what he says i'm bigger than you. This is what he says. I'm bigger than you. I'll kick your ass. So come on, hit me. And then I realized, like, two seconds later, these guys are never going to fight. It's all just yelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they're both out of their car. Blowing off some steam. And so he's just telling, like, Slacks is telling Sweatpants, you need to learn the rules of the road. Sweatpants is just mad yeah and then uh so they both eventually after like 30 seconds of screaming at each other they get back in their cars sweatpants drives forward about six inches then gets out again and uh goes to look at the back of his his minivan to see how much damage slacks has done and then he's satisfied and he gets back in his car and then oh the worst the worst part slacks says learn the rules of the road and he at this point you can tell he knows he's not going to get beaten up for anything yeah yeah yeah so he calls him the r

word what and i didn't even know that was one of the words we had to disguise yeah and then you heard it and i was like oh yeah no wow wow you gotta live with yourself the rest of the day and probably the rest of your life oh yeah absolutely but like that's and probably the rest of your life oh yeah absolutely but like that's wow i know i years like i haven't heard that since childhood yeah well you know i feel like since child i feel like there are uh if they're just it's sometimes there's just like you're just in that state and you're just waiting i mean i'm not saying the three of us but in general you've been in that state where you're just waiting for something to set you off you know you're hoping you're like i hope somebody will butt in front of line like i

just hope something goes wrong so you just go crazy and that's what this these two guys just happen to like run into each other's sphere. Because years ago, years ago, at the Urban Well. Which isn't, for the listener, it's not an actual well. It wasn't actually urban. Yeah, that's true. It's by a beach. It is a hip, literal watering hole.

Yeah. It was a bar by a beach. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a bar by a beach. Yeah. And before the early show, there was a road rage thing where the two guys got out and they were two very, maybe two accountants, maybe two real estate lawyers.

And they got out and they beat the shit out of each other. I have never seen anything like shy of MMA. I've never seen anything quite as savage as these guys like they both parked their cars and got out and it was immediate there was no yelling or anything it was just we are fighting and in the middle of the street it was it was something it was like one of those improv everywhere just some kind of like uh avant-garde sketch well it was it was crazy because uh i don't know like there's this there's a book i read called uh uh it's called like psychopaths and suits and it's about like how the same thing that could make like a really great great serial killer uh it also could make you like a really great oh totally yeah yeah that's so that's like a statistically thing a statistically proven thing

that there are a higher percentage of ceos that are psychopaths yeah than just the average population but i wonder if these are like two guys, just two psychos, right? Driving nice cars, wearing nice suits. They were just waiting. And I mean, I saw the thing that set them off. And it wasn't an accident. It was just, you know, it was kind of that, like cutting somebody off. But it was, man, like neither side was like, no, I don't want to fight. Like both sides were like, let's get out and fight, fight, fight.

And it was so crazy. Mostly because of the suits. The suits was what was mind-blowing. Because two guys in suits fighting? And nice cars. Why isn't that a thing that's on Spike TV? That's true. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's got something for the fellas. It's got something for the ladies. I was going to say, I'd want to see the pregame. I would want to see them getting dressed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Having the suit dressed. That's part of it. It's a three-hour thing. The cufflinks and the whole bit. So it's like part say yes to the dress, except it's a suit. Big time, yeah. And then it's the fighting. These two guys go in.

They got a tailor in the corner. Oh, I love it. Like if any rips. Stitch it. Stitch it. They're like, cut open my eye it stitch it they're like cut open my eye and stitch up why do they cut open their eyes in boxing uh because so much uh so much fluid and blood the popeye yeah yeah so you just uh you just literally pop it and it's the grossest um

at that point like if your alternative is hey let's call the fight or this guy's gonna cut my eye open let's call it a day let's reconsider everything um i really like this men in suits fighting idea yeah it's got it's got legs i feel like if i had a lot of suits and like a nice car i wouldn't be so angry yeah but also hey guys look at all the advantages you have yeah well that was the other thing it was it was like there was something very satisfying about seeing two very put together guys doing a very nasty yeah yeah oh did i mention they ended up making a lot of boots but yeah it's uh Yeah, sometimes you just...

Yeah, like that story from last week. If I had been in a worse mood, that would have turned into a fight so fast. But because I was like, I just really just want to get on a bus. I bumped a guy trying to get on a bus and he got very disproportionately angry about it. And so I apologized.

And that was the end of that. We shook hands. End of story. I saw an accident not long ago, and like, it I was coming down Broadway and this car, it just got just

absolutely smoked. Like, a car just ran right into the side of it, and it rolled three times. It was horrific. Rolled over? Rolled over. And I thought, and I was like, so shaken up, I was like, I just saw it and it rolled three times like it was horrific like rolled over rolled over and i thought i was like and i was i so shaken up i was like i just saw someone get really really hurt and then the person in the car that rolled over got out of his car walked towards the car that hit him and shook the guy's hand oh yeah well yeah i was in shock. Yeah. I thought, I was like...

At first I was like, was this like a stage training thing? And then I was like, why would they do that to us? Like, just traumatize all these people. That was him. He signed a deal with the devil. And he's like,

you're making me invincible for 20 years, right? And the devil's like, let's give it a test drive. He's like you're making me invincible for 20 years right and then i was like let's give it a test drive yeah he's like deal on and it was such a hearty handshake maybe he went over to go beat the shit out of him and then but yeah he was in shock and all this just transistors are firing in your head and you're like what did i come here to do i forget make a reservation for dinner like being in shock always happens after like the scariest like thing possible but i wish you could just always be in shock and people tell you oh no no you're in shock don't no no what you're doing is wrong you're in shock

hey yeah i feel like it would be so great. If you could manufacture that as a drug. Shock. Yeah. The street name of this drug is shock. Sounds like a terrible movie. Or does it sound like a Jason Statham? Oh, yeah. Crank shock. Yeah.

See, Jim, when Jason Statham fights in a suit, everybody applauds. He stands and applauds. Standing ovation in a suit. Everybody stands everybody applauds. He stands and applauds. Standing ovation to the movie theater for the

transporter. You idiot. Throwing roses. Yeah. More more more.

The transporter four opening at 10. Oh boy. Okay, so yeah, I almost saw people fight, but it became clear early on that they were never going to. Yeah, big yelling match. I wish if they did fight, it was really grapply and childish. Of course it would have been.

Fights are never in the movies. Oh, I was picturing the suits fight the suits fight was very like i think both of these guys maybe spent some time doing whatever martial arts or something like they both very like just got into it so fast it's so crazy it's usually yeah fights are a lot about grabbing the other person's shirt yeah and trying to stretch out the knuckle as wide as possible. Yeah, trying to bloody your knuckles by missing his face and pounding the ground. Yeah, or hitting his kneecap.

Yeah. I mean, there's usually blood drawn. Like, there's a bloody nose. Yeah, before the match to make sure everybody's clean. They do that in boxing, right? You have to pass a blood test. Yeah, to see if you have lupus. Yeah, sure.

So that was my week. How about yourself? Well, I was in... Well, Katie and I both were in Victoria at the Blue Bridge Comedy Festival. We only crossed paths very incidentally. Like, when I was coming in, you were going out, and vice versa, and so... Now, for the uninitiated,

Victoria's a city on an island. Yep, and it's an island in a stream. And it is... Ghetto superstar. It was good. It was fun, but the hotel you're in is very away from everything you're very isolated uh because there really is nothing else it's other hotels that's

the whole world out there it's just like a strip of hotels and motels and so i watch so much tv because i don't have tv anymore. My roommates canceled our cable service. I don't remember voting on that particular decision. But so I have no TV. So then it doesn't matter what city I go to. All I want to do is just watch, just catch up on shows that I don't watch. I want to see what ads are out. It's all about catching up.

Every channel has a marathon of whatever. watch uh want to see what ads are out you know it's all about catching up every weekend is there's a there's every channel has a marathon of whatever well this this motel had amc so they were playing uh breaking bad most of the day most of the days i was there so that was great and you kept you kept watching is this the finale is this the finale and then uh they had the game show network so i watched uh bumper stumpers i watched uh new liars club what's the new liars club uh do you know bumper stumpers i don't know any of these bumper stumpers is is basically there's a light like vanity license plates yeah it's like who does this license plate belong to oh which of these license plates. Yeah. It's like, who does this license plate belong to? Oh, wow. Like, which of these license plates would belong to a plastic surgeon? Yeah.

And it's like, I am a boner. And, you know, and it's like, which one of these belongs to a skeleton? Because he's a boner. You get it. Pretty good. So there's that. Bumpers, stumpers. On for many years, apparently.

Yeah, Canadian. Yeah, Canadian game show. Same with the New Liars Club. Film's here. Bumpers, stumpers. On for many years, apparently. Yeah, Canadian. Yeah, Canadian game show. Same with the New Liars Club. Films here. What is the New Liars Club? It's actually, like, pretty solid show, as it goes, because they have four celebrity guest panelists and four contestants, and they bring out a- Four contestants is too many contestants for a game show.

But they don't really focus. It's all about the celebrity the contestants could be anything you know but they bring out an object and they pass it down the line and each of the people say what it is and then you bet on who is telling the truth and it's pretty good because like all the day yeah like a balderdash detector to massage don de massage. Don't know what that is. What is that? A French game show about lie detectors. So there's one guy who was always on it named John something. And he was like a comedian that was famous in the 60s. And then there was Shannon Tweed was regularly on it.

Jimmy J.D. Walker was regularly on it. And yeah, they just take an object and every time I was like, two of these are pretty good. Pretty good stories. And then Shannon Tweed, bad at it nine times out of ten. Even if she had the true one,

you're like, you can't even sell the truth. You stink, Shannon Tweed. You stink. But you're on the show because you're Canadian. Yeah, that's right and it was like uh yeah i think most of the game shows i watched supermarket sweep it was the canadian version of supermarket sweep you know this show yes yeah yeah uh and then there was another one it was a like a late era 1980s game show that was hosted by monty hall who used to be like the king of game shows but in this one

he's wearing his crazy toupee and it's like wait like you could tell like i needed to let's pay off some loans right or something you know like he hadn't saved he sold his toupee so it was all this like very like the picture of the most 80s set you can picture. Okay, give me a second. You can picture it? Yeah. And then he comes out like... Okay, can I describe it? It's pastel.

Okay, are there any of those, like, glass blocks that look like ice cubes? Yes, glass blocks. Glass blocks, pastels. Does the set have its white blazer sleeves pushed up? Yes. It also, it takes place in Kit the car. does the set have its white blazer sleeves pushed up? yes it also takes place in Kit the car and then he comes out and he's dressed like he's from 1971 nobody on the show was like

get him a new jacket they just took Monty Hall and just put him in this game show right right right and he surprisingly didn't know a lot about, like, I don't think he reviewed the answers beforehand because he would say a thing. It'd be like three categories.

And it would be like cartoon girlfriends. It would be Popeye, Superman. Lois Lane. And Archie. Veronica Arbedia. That one's so tricky. Yeah, yeah, yeah Archie. Veronica Arbetti. That one's so tricky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The little red-headed girl.

But then you could tell that Monty Hall was like, I don't know what any of this is. Like, I don't. Maybe. Let me check the card. Oh, the second person's correct. Yeah, I don't think you need to know anything to be a game show host. Charisma. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I guess Monty Hall had charisma. The guy on Bumper Stumpers has no charisma. Side note, when we went to Max FunCon 2011, we went to a yoga class taught by Neil Pollack, who had written a book on yoga, has written several books. He was on Jeopardy. He won like three or four days. What? Yeah.

Wow. Just this past week. Is there anything that guy can't do? Yoga. No, he can do it. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I watched so much TV. And I feel like I should have more to report from going to another city.

But I really just watched so much TV. I watched Mortal Kombat. The movie. The whole movie. Not the video game. I could have just as easily. You went to the arcade, watched a guy play Mortal Kombat for two hours? I played the arcade games on the ferry.

The whole way going, and not the whole way coming back. But man, I don't own a video game system, but I really enjoy- It's the only arcade there really is now, is the one on the ferry. Where else would you go to an arcade other than Regina, Saskatchewan? Isn't the one on Granville still? Or is that gone? I don't know. I never went there in the first place.

Where am I going to buy my chalk? The drug? Yeah. I couldn't even remember what was the joke we made earlier. Was it shock? Yeah, it was shock. But the weird thing is the drug isn't administered in a pill or a liquid uh it's administered through a traumatic

event yeah it's a guy puts on a spooky halloween mask yeah and then stabs you uh yeah i don't know where else arcades are but but arcade on the ferry is great. Nobody else is in there. It's just you. Kids don't respond to arcade games. Well, yeah, they've got iPads and stuff. They play the games they want to play. They brung their own.

So it's like just you, just you and the pinball machines and, uh, you know, whatever, whatever knockoff games that there are not, you know, it's not street fighter,

but it's like curb fighter you know what um do they still make new arcade games uh i don't know i have no idea i i think they did up to like dance dance the dancing ones yeah And then... Maybe in Japan they do. Yeah, because it still seems like a thing. To me, it would still be a thing, but it's not... It's really just, you know, it's not really a thing, right? Kids don't want to go do that. They want to go do something else. Yeah, they want to...

What do kids want to do? Well, they want to butt chug? Yeah, yeah. Kids want to butt chug. They want to... Everyone's butt chug. Yeah, yeah. Kids want to butt chug. They want to... Everyone's butt chugging. They want to, you know, they want to, like, do chants where it's like, you know, endorsing sexual assault. They want that.

Right, right. Yeah. You know, they like Miley Cyrus, whatever she's doing. Sexting, is that it? Yeah, yeah. Sexting, absolutely. Chat roulette. Shrexting.

Shrexting. Yeah, they like shrexting. That means when you paint your genitals green and take a picture of it but when someone truly loves it it's so much more beautiful yeah right that's what shrek's all about um yeah i don't know spoiler alert it's like there's a whole there's a whole world of things that don't need to exist anymore. Because kids don't want to do them. But adults still bring kids to them because they remember that being a thing.

Yeah, like when you have kids, do you think you'll be like, oh, you gotta, you just gotta see The Great Mouse Detective? Yeah, I can imagine making a kid sit through a thing that i've like a kid watching goonies now would think that was the most boring movie ever devised right like goonies is good for a kid that didn't grow up with harry potter but now they like every effect in the world exists no kid would like goonies when they think that was the most boring thing? I'm asking you specifically, K.A. But he's got slick shoes. Yeah, that's true. But, like, it's like, didn't somebody older try and be like, this is the cool thing? And you were like, nah, that stinks.

Yeah, I think I remember my uncle being like, you gotta rent Peter Sellers' The Party. You like comedy, right? Yeah. I kind of prefer Ernest Goes to Camp. Oh, yeah. Like, what if you showed a kid an Ernest movie? They would just think that you have mental problems. Like, why do you do this?

Yeah. How did you get in here? Yeah. You stink into a kid's bedroom. Watch this. Oh, man. Love it. You know, Ernest, apparently, he was big with the ladies.

He was a real... The character or the actor? The actor. Jim Varney was a real... What did you call actor? The actor. Jim Varney was a real... What did you call him? Lothario? Hound Dogger? No.

Not Lothario, but somebody who was always chasing after chicks. What would that be called? A coos hound? Yes, a coos hound. That's kind of the thing I'm looking for, yeah. I guess he was friends with Billy Bob Thornton, and Billy Bob Thornton told a story after his death. At the closing time, he would just try and grab anybody. Oh, yeah.

Hey, wanna go to camp? Yeah. Wanna be scared stupid? Yeah. But yeah, so yeah, Jim Varney. Legend in comedy and bird-dogging, or whatever he said. Poon chasing. Poon tagging.

Bird-dogging. Please have some respect. It was Coos Hamden. All right, well, let's move on to Overheard, shall we? This is Biz. This is Teresa. We host a show called One Bad Mother. We're a comedy podcast about parenting.

Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids. Weird. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like shit for being a mom. Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Overheard.

Overheards. Things when you're out in the world, walking around. Grabbing your new you-know-what. Yeah, yeah. Flipping the you-know-who. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, but he's so cute, though. Sure, I probably got a couple of screws above my head loose, but no worries.

What's going on with your parents' bedroom? Sometimes I want to get on TV and just let loose, but can't. But it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose. Ah, Eminem. My bum is on your lips. Ah, yes. Graham, do you need any interruption from me? Okay, okay.

Here comes the interruption. Wait, no. Can you start up again? Okay. Overheard. A thing in which Eminem goes out on the street, puts his bum on your lips, puts your mom on his lips. Tom Green humping a moose on television. Oh, I forgot I needed to interrupt you.

Graham, shut up. Oh, yes. Dave, you shut up. Okay. Because it's time for just a quick... A quickie? Hulk Hogan news. A hulky?

Yeah, a quick hulky. Now, here's the thing. Oh, Graham, it's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. Now, Hulk Hogan, for the last- Professional wrestler, spokesperson, actor. Professional wrestler, amateur wrestler. Amateur musician.

Well, professional musician. Metallica member. Ex-Metallica member. He, for the longest time, has been part of a wrestling outfit called TNA, which is on Spike Television. Now, I always thought his wrestling outfit was just yellow Speedos. Yeah, yeah. Now it's just tits and ass.

Showing off the goods. His contract, as of today, has expired. Okay. So he's up for grabs. He's a free agent. He's a free agent.

I'm thinking about making a bid. Okay. Yeah. For my wrestling outfit, Hulk and Friends. Currently... Stop calling that an outfit because it confuses me every time. Okay.

Wrestling promotion called Hulk and Friends. Right now, we've got the friends. We're missing a Hulk. Matt LeBlanc. Matthew Perry. David Schwimmer. Lou Ferrigno's expressed interest but hasn't signed on to anything.

He would be our Hulk. Yeah. Failing that. Yeah. Hulk Hogan. So, yeah. Hulk Hogan's contract expires today, October 1st. Nobody knows.

Is he going to be picked up by something? Sure, yeah. By somebody? Maybe a giant dragon. Yeah. Not out of the realm of possibility. So yeah, as of today, free agent, nobody knows. Maybe he'll be picked up by a reverse stork.

Oh yeah, is that what happens when you die?'ll be picked up by a reverse stork. Oh, yeah. Is that what happens when you die? Yeah, he delivers. A backwards stork comes out. He delivers you backwards to hell. Oh, the death stork.

Anyway, so there you go. Hulk Hogan, free agent. If you've got the money, he's got the time. Yeah. Now, moving on to overheards. Katie, you know the drill. Yeah. We like to start with the money. He's got the time. Yeah. Now, moving on to overheards. Katie, you know the drill.

Yeah. You like to start with the guest. All right. Will you? Sure. Awesome. Why not? Why not?

Now, it's possible that I only took notice of what this gentleman was saying because he had a funny accent. But I feel okay about it because it was a white guy so that's fine yeah yeah absolutely now my book's a funny accent is a funny accent okay but and it's also it's a favorite genre of mine i've overheard where it's uh couples talking and it's sort of like the guys maybe like in your story or yours even the guys, when they fight, when you're like, this can't possibly be about what's going on in front of me. This clearly has to be, like, this is years of resentment built up. Oh, this is subtext.

Yes. I was in the grocery store, and I was just, I guess, like fantasy window shopping at the produce that I can't eat. Radishes. Sure. I was having a little cry. No big deal. And then there's this couple walk by, and the gentleman says, well, pears don't bruise themselves, do they, Stace?

Hmm? Stacey? No. They don't, do they? Don't bruise themselves. no they don't do they don't bruise themselves so was was it that the pears that we're looking at in the store were bruised or was she buying a replacement pair for something oh yeah maybe maybe uh maybe there was something going on at home that she had claimed these prayer bears had bruised themselves oh so all these pears walked into a door did they

I know right sad sadness is sad sadness is like the saddest sadness is the new sad yeah

do wait do pears do pears do bruise themselves though right I mean if you leave them for long enough they'll just Um, yeah. Do, wait. Pairs do. Pairs do bruise themselves though, right? I mean, if you leave them for long enough, they'll just rot. Yeah, it's not. That looks like pears. I mean, bruises. Perodian slip.

He's just thinking about pears. Oh, no. Check out the pear on that one. For the home listener, I was not looking at anyone's pear. I was looking at my guitar. It's got twin humbuckers. It's a little pear-shaped. So, pears.

Yeah, apples and pears. What do we think of them as a fruit? Mealy. Yeah, big time. It's like an apple that you're like, oh, this is special. Think of them as a fruit. Oh. Mealy. Yeah, big time. Hard to beat. It's like an apple that you're like, oh, this is special. Oh, wait, no, I would have preferred an apple. I like a pear if it's in a thing, in a dessert.

In a salad. Oh, or poached, maybe. What do you poach a pear in? Water? What do you do? Do you like? Yeah. Often when you have it in a salad, it's been like sauteed and it kind of sugars. Oh, yeah.

See, a sugar. The sugar in it like... Caramelizes. Yeah, caramelizes. Yeah, like that I could go for in a big way. Although I think I'm allergic to pears, so... Probably. Yeah.

That's off the docket. All right. But probably one of the best shaped fruits. Good looking. Good looking. Good looking fruit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Often featured in still life.

Yeah, sure. Oh, sure. Dumped like a truck. Yeah, but yeah, pears need to be worked with. Although it's funny because I like the expression, it's all gone pear-shaped, and that does not mean good. No. No, yeah, but don't, isn gone pear-shaped, and that does not mean good. No. No, yeah, but don't...

Isn't pear-shaped... You're right, but that doesn't mean a person, right? No, it's a situation. Because they also say a pear-shaped person. That's also not good. No? Why do we like pears so much, but pear-shaped people... We don't like pears so much.

Why do we all agree that we love pears, but we don't like people who are shaped like pears? The only time I like pears is figure skating. Oh! Yay! Well played. But, no, I think, yeah, I think a pear-shaped, people like pear-shaped people. Like who? Name one famous beloved pear-shaped person.

The Barefoot Contessa. Good. Touche. I asked to name one. He did. Dave, do you have an overheard? Sure. Speaking of...

This isn't my overheard, but British people... We also would have accepted Dom DeLuise. British people in grocery stores. Did I ever tell the story of when this British dude went up to his girlfriend and asked how many chicken tits they need. Yes. Okay. Like that's a thing you can say in public.

Okay. So my overheard this week is an overseen, and it was on a very dirty Volkswagen bus. And what are some of the things that people write in a dirty car like wash me wash me call me see me help no yeah help wash me is a big one and i've sometimes seen i wish my wife was this dirty oh right yeah yeah yeah but this was a uh volkswagen red rum i feel like red rums one i yeah especially on like ambulances yeah yeah because it's all written backwards you see it in a mirror yeah um i this was on a volkswagen bus someone had written a variation on the i wish my

wife was this dirty they wrote i wish my car was this dirty, they wrote, I wish my car was this dirty. And it was really just mostly confusing, because I don't know if it was someone who owns a car and this Volkswagen bus. My other car is a slut. I want to fuck my car. Or if it was someone else who was like, I wish my car was this dirty. But I don't treat it rough enough. Yeah. I don't go off-roading.

Someone's like, is that how you do sarcasm? Right? Yeah. Somebody's first attempt at sarcasm. I don't think I did this right at all. Yeah. I envy you. Yeah.

It's a, yeah, I, uh, I never owned a car that got dirty enough to write something in. Yeah. I feel like that's on the bucket list. And even then you have to own a white car. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Or, well, you know, or it has to be really dirty and it could show up. Yeah.

You're right. I haven't lived. Um, so that's me. Graham? My overheard. Oh, first of all, I was going to tell you, you need to live. Oh, absolutely. That's at the top of the bucket list.

Oh, yeah. Start living. I went over to Victoria and for some reason, I was telling Dave before the podcast, usually I would take the Pacific Coach Lines bus, station to station, super easy. When you're riding the ferry, just ride on one bus. You get a seat, for sure. And it's smooth sailing. And I had a conversation with somebody, and they convinced me, like, that's for suckers. Take the city bus. So I was like conversation with somebody, and they convinced me, like, that's for suckers. Take the city bus.

So I was like, yeah, you're right. The city bus trip costs $10 maybe? Yeah. Yeah, altogether. And then a Pacific Coach line. Like $40? With the cost of the ferry, though. Like the actual bus.

Okay, so the city bus works out to closer to $20. Advantage city bus. Price-hmm. Advantage, city bus. Price-wise. Yeah. Disadvantage, everything else. And I caught the bus off of the ferry going into the city, and there was some greasy guy who got on. And he was, I'd say greasy because he's literally covered in grease. And he was wearing a backpack he didn't think to take off

giant backpack so he's just hitting everybody with his bag was he standing or sitting standing okay and uh very conscious because he would keep looking over his shoulder going sorry but not sorry enough to take off the backpack and remedy the situation and then he was talking to a couple that i think he must have known from before because they – he was asking them a lot of questions about mutual acquaintances. Masturbation. Yeah, like do you do it together or just one do and one watch? Two was one of you on the phone the whole time. One of you on the phone the whole time.

So he was asking him all his questions, and then it was weird. It was like he was angling to find out all the details of what they were doing that weekend, where they were going, where they're going for dinner, blah, blah, blah. Is there an extra bed? And then they, after all this, like, seemingly, like, he's trying to get the info, trying to get an invite into something. Where are you going? Oh, I've been to that place before. Oh, you gotta order this. I love going to that place. Man, you know, just, I love that one place you're going to.

And they were like, oh, we don't, it's nothing official or whatever. Would you like to come with us? And he goes, nah, I gotta work out at the gymnasium. I have to lift medicine balls and get shaken in the weird shake machine. I got to go in the steam box. I think there's a lot of, I see a lot of myself in that guy. And that I don't want to spend any time with you yeah but i do want to turn down an invitation for for like a thing that clearly is like what's i think people do

oh i need to be electroshocked so i'm going back in time too Oh, I need to be electroshocked. I'm going back in time, too. So, we also have... What? This isn't over? This isn't over. It ain't over till it's over. This is not over.

This is... We also have Overheard sent in to us from around the world. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Dave W. in Winnipeg. I recently bought a toilet seat at Canadian Tire, and the last sentence of the blurb on the back of the package was, Now you can focus on what's important creating lasting memories with your family gathered around dad on the toilet oh man i think back to those uh those toilet times in my youth yeah or just like somebody's

replacing so many toilet seats that they're missing out on their kids first steps And the cat's in the cradle And the dad's like, do you want to go out and the son's like fixing another toilet seat? I can't, I'd like to dad But sure nice talking to you dad dad anyways gotta fix the toilet seat the toilet seat upstairs uh here is i installed it and it's like the only thing i've done handy in this house and it is great it's the i i'd never seen this kind of toilet seat before but it's the kind that um you you like if it's up you put it down. You don't need to steady it.

It slowly goes down over eight seconds. It's like riding a bull. How does it know? How does it know to go so slow? It's ruined me for other toilet seats. I just tap other toilet seats now and they slam so loud. Oh, yeah.

That is an incredible innovation. Unless you really need it within eight seconds. You're like, I need to sit a now. I am trying to find it. I don't know where this email went. I'm going to find it. Do you want me to forward it to you? From you?

Yeah, maybe. Where did it go? I think I accidentally deleted it. Oh, there it is. Found it. Found it. Don't Yeah, maybe. Where did it go? I think I accidentally deleted it. Oh, there it is. Found it. Found it. Don't worry, everybody. I get it. This...

I don't even want to use this person's real name, because the name that pops up that it's sent from is so much better. Okay. Should I use their real name? I don't know the information you've given me so far is nonsense okay the name you know when you send an email name pops up yeah dave shumka yeah this is this from a guy in new york the name that pops up is jazz melon so right that's better than his actual name uh he knows who he is. Hey, Jasmine. This is a boy and a girl, both about eight years old,

playing catch on the beach. The boy saying, I get most of my tan in the shower. I use really hot water. Girl, does it work? Boy, look at my legs! So little heat. That's something a kid would think yeah that's pretty good yeah

like i need to get tan i'm gonna take a real hot shower before i go to yeah it doesn't it's not like if someone was trying to impersonate tan from our buddy cop movie yeah yeah well done um well done yeah no if i if if showering counted towards tanning i would be very very tan as and all teenage boys would be like the tans do you think why do you think teenage boys take a lot of shower oh i gotcha all right i was like wait a minute i get it um i uh yeah tell me about your sexual awakening i was just trying to think I was like did I take a shower today I did I definitely did

What my sexual awakening I was in Cairo This last one is from Corinne K From San Diego He was a pharaoh He was a pharaoh He was a mummy

I had just been granted three wishes. Nope. Yeah, one of my wishes was to be deflowered. Before grad. Mummies don't grant wishes. That's what I meant by that. By a mummy you'd like to, you know. Yeah, a milf.

Yeah. Thank you. I think that I got modest in that sentence. Like, I can't not here, not now not about the embalm there are elders this is from

Corinne K this past weekend I was at a restaurant that has a back patio with communal seating picnic tables. We were sharing the table. Yeah, a little gross. Yeah. With a family that consisted of two parents, a toddler, and a 10-year-old girl.

When the waitress arrived with their food and put the fancy arugula and heirloom tomato salad in front of the 10-year-old girl, she immediately jerked her head up and said, this isn't a salad. And the waitress said what do you mean hon and the girl goes well where's the ranch where were they from uh thousand islands um that uh yeah it's weird when you're a kid and you're like, you've had one salad. Honey Boo Boo hasn't had a salad in her life. What consists of a salad? Is it just a bunch of vegetables? I bet she's had a potato salad. Oh, macaroni salad.

Honey Boo Boo said, last time I had a salad was never. This was in Bartlett's, quotations. That's a good pair. Yeah. Bartlett's? Sure. Yeah, I don't... Is a salad just anything that is in a bowl that's not soup or ice cream anything you eat before uh your meal that isn't super ice cream

has to be in a bowl though right if you put something on a plate it's not a salad well you can garnish you can have salad in a plate is it a temperature thing? There's not warm salads, right? Yeah, there are warm salads. I've had warm salads. They're awful. I want that crispness. But also, it's not just vegetables because you can have salads with meats in it. Also, we jinxed on all of them.

Oh, you owe me a car. Damn it. And you know what, arugula? Get out of here. You're too peppery. What's ar's arugula the purple one it's the peppery one oh are you okay can you have arugula yeah like rocket they call it rocket sometimes yeah i had to ask at a restaurant once and i was like and then they tell me i was like that's not as fun as i expected yeah oh yeah you thought it'd be something hilarious kind of jellied the thing yeah i don't know what i thought but i didn't think uh lin leafy grains yeah i'll order the funniest sounding

thing in this man yeah arugula give me an arugula also there's is it called rugula rugula that you it's like a uh jewish uh pastry thing. Oh, yeah. That's slightly different in every way. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, we're having a lot of fun. And additional words that are written. And we also accept your phone calls. You want to call us?

Tap these numbers into your phone. 206-339. Take a breath. Yeah. 8-3-32-8? Yeah. Hey, David Graham and possible guests. This is Ben in Washington, D.C., calling from overseas.

I just got off a plane and a guy in the row in front of me, I noticed when he was getting on, had no carry-on luggage, didn't have a book or a newspaper. The only thing that he was getting on, had no carry-on luggage, didn't have a book or a newspaper. The only thing that he was carrying and then put in the seat back pocket was a fluorescent green Frisbee. He's playing the longest distance game of Frisbee. Of Froth?

Froth. Fetch. It was a dog like that is the perfect thing for if a dog's on a plane and it only brings one thing bring a frisbee but if you're a human being there's a story about i think it's uh sam kinnison and uh somebody there's a story about, I think it's, uh, Sam Kinison and, uh, somebody who's like driving to the airport to pick him up. And this is at the height of his like boozing and drug days and, uh, the guy. Yeah. And he, uh, the guy that runs the club goes to pick him up and Sam Kinison walks off of

the plane and he's just, uh, the only thing he's got is is a hair dryer that he's pulling by the court. That's all the luggage he brought. Big John's got a great story. That's my father. Have we covered that? You call your dad Big John? You know what I call my dad? Daddy.

Daddy. Treat me nice, daddy. So it's Big John and your mom is? The Mrs. The Mrs. Did you know this? Did we cover this before? I think it's infinitely charming.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's a charming fellow. And he's got a story. Back in the day in Victoria, they had booked a group. I don't know what organization was bringing them in town, but someone had booked Chuck Berry.

Oh, cool. And they go out to the airport to pick him up, and he gets off the plane, kind of same deal, one guitar in his hand. That is it. Wow. And he's like, great. He's like, and the gig's that night, right? They're picking him up.

He's like, you're the guy? He's like, cool. I'm going to need a band. Wow. But it's awesome because he's like, oh might i invented rock and roll so they know the songs yeah yeah anyone you know that plays instruments they all have three chords like he didn't bring like an amp nothing wow that's amazing dude i'm picturing in my head that the guitar didn't even have a case that he's just just walking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like. Really? Carrying it by the F-hole. Oh, I fucking love it. Yeah.

That's so awesome. Yeah. Does he not have a booking agent? Were you emailing ChuckBerry at Hotmail.com? Someone should have given you a heads up about this band thing. Yeah. I feel like email probably. It's four decades away.

ChuckBerry's still alive, right? Probably still touring. Yeah, still hosts the gong show. Still videotapes women peeing. Was it videotapes? Wasn't his thing that he would take a picture of every woman he had sex with? Yeah. So?

Tell me where this gets weird. It was like... Take a picture of every woman he had sex with. Yeah. Because. So? Even. Tell me where this gets weird. It was like, he didn't believe in statutory rape. He didn't believe in raping statues. He was like, this picture proves she was willing. Oh. Even if she was 16.

Oh. Was that with the story? I've never seen that movie. Back to the Future? No, I thought we were talking about Chuck Beres. Wasn't he like, didn't he have like a crazy? Yeah, oh, well, who's the game show host that had that? Chuck Beres.

There's Chuck Beres, but then who was the guy that had the guitar? Oh, you're thinking of Jay Lee Lewis. No. Why wouldn't you, man? Remember when everyone was mad at us before because we couldn't think of the right thing?

We're, okay. Oh, it's made from corn mash. We're talking about classic rock and roll and we're talking about underage girls. Yeah. Why wouldn't I think

that maybe you were thinking of Jerry Lee Lewis? No, yes, correct. I wasn't thinking of Jerry Lee Lewis. I was thinking of Chuck Beres, but then Chuck Beres was the guy that was in...

What movie was about Chuck Beres? The Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Right. And then there was another movie about a guy that had crazy sex scandals from the same time. He was on Hogan's Heroes. Oh, yeah. What was that movie called? Not 8mm. Focus... Focus on this. Focus... Hogan's Focus.

Focus, focus. Focus on this. Focus, focus. Hogan's focus. Insert Greg Kinnear in Focus Man. Anyways, real. So Chuck Berry was the guy who had pictures of girls who are our age? Hail, hail. Yes.

Rock and roll. Right? Yeah. I mean, we can get to the next phone call, but I do need to find out this Greg Kinnear picture. Oh, as good as it gets. She beat me to it. I was going to say Sabrina. He was on Tuck Soup.

Yep. Yep. That was it. That was the thing. Oh, Little Miss Sunshine. Oh, why did I use Wikipedia when IMDB would have served me better? Did you know that he's married to a British model, Helen Labdon? Yeah, of course I knew that.

Autofocus. Autofocus. Autofocus. Yikes. What did Jerry Lee Lewis do? Married his cousin or something, right? Yeah, she was 13. She was played by Winona Ryder.

Yeah, it makes it seem a lot less strange in the movie because she is clearly an adult. You can't not see Winona Ryder. Yeah. It makes it seem a lot less strange in the movie because she is clearly an adult. Like, you can't not see Winona Ryder. And who wouldn't marry Winona Ryder? That's right. Yeah. Regardless of age and cousinry. Yeah. Yeah.

You're like, they're being unfair. Yeah. Right. They weren't making it as creepy as it needed to be. On the movie, you feel like the people judging him are being unfair actually come on yeah because yeah it's like it's an adult winona rider when you're watching the movie dennis quaid he's so handsome that great ball of art is my if i see it on tv i have to watch it is it really yeah i don't know that i've ever seen the full thing and now i really, really want to see it.

Now this is branching out again. But who is it who played Buddy Holly in the Buddy Holly story? Gary Sinise. No. Gary Busey. Gary Busey. Yeah, all right. I'm putting it all together. All right.

And Waheem Phoenix played Johnny Cash. Yeah, I'm trying to cast a super movie. Who played all of your... All your musical greats? All your 50s musical greats. Marvin Perry was played by the game for Back to the Future. Jamie Foxx played Ray Charles.

Who played... Was there any... Oh, Richie Valens. Yes. Kevin Spacey played... Bobby Darin. Bobby Darin. Did Jonathan Rhys-Myers play Elvis in a TV series, The Young Elvis?

Young Elvis Chronicles? James Bond Jr.? Is that a thing, Young Elvis Chronicles? Yeah, that was a thing. All right, this is dumb. Here's your next phone call. Hello, Dave Graham and Perfect Guest. This is Amanda from Portland, Oregon, calling in an overheard.

I was walking to the liquor store the other day, and I passed by these two drunk gentlemen sort of yelling at each other but also hugging. And when I walked back out, they were still there. And as I passed by, I overheard one say to the other, Man, I hate your brother. And he came out of the same hole you did yeah happy mother's day gross uh yeah what do you think what do you what do you say the odds

are on that relationship like a long fruitful relationship drunk guys hugging yeah i think it's the the deepest bond in humankind uh yeah whole so crass oh yeah yeah we prefer the term womb yeah i don't know i stopped listening after you call me perfect well it's true it's true katie's true, Katie. Come on. It was a she, actually. I said she. Oh, okay. Yeah. She's perfect.

Dave. I thought I heard he. Harsh. Impalpable. Dave Graham, impalpable guest. The Pope. I like it. Pope's doing something.

Yeah. Top Pope. He's tearing up the Vatican whatever constitution. It's no longer says no smelly girls on the outside. He's like the King Ralph of Popes. Yes. Oh, finally someone said it. Yeah.

The long awaited sequel to King Ralph. It turns out he's. Pope Ralph. Why not? I feel like the Pope is doing great things, Pope-wise, but not getting nearly enough press for it. It's like people are like,

hey, did you hear what the Pope did? And other people are like, not really. Yeah, he is. He's like... Because didn't he just... We were talking about it a couple weeks ago. He was like,

yeah, atheists are all right. Yeah, atheists are cool. I got mad love for lesbos. I think he's going to stray. I think he's going to, he's going to go right ahead. It's going to be priest can marry. I think that's going to be the thing. Women can be priests.

And I think he's going to open it up to the gay marriage thing. It seems to, because I like to his he had a point about like regardless it's not as if he necessarily changed his views on say homosexuality he's like we don't have to talk about it all the time yeah yeah i like the idea like we could focus on some of the awesome stuff in here like love like charity well and also he took on he just said like people are too greedy We gotta stop worshipping money And he was like

Especially the Jews He was like Yeah we were with him And then it was at that last turn You're like Come on Pope Yeah Come on current Pope

Benedict? Yeah Pope Benedict I forgot your name He's doing alright Keep it up Yeah Top ten popes of my lifetime

Yeah exactly Compile a list Buzz yeah top 10 popes of my lifetime oh yeah exactly compile a list buzzfeed top 10 popes and they're the craziest hats final overheard hey david graham it's patrick foy from omaha i have an overheard for you i was just in a gas station and this guy ahead of me uh for some dumb reason was on his speakerphone when he was talking on the phone and he got up to the cash register and he put down the phone, and the girl was still talking, and he said, you're pulling my shirt down. My boobs...

My boobs are everywhere. And he just yelled, babe, we're in public. And then paper and shit and left. And I'm not wearing the speakerphone. My boobs are everywhere.

Everywhere, man. They're like American Express. Visa? Which one is everywhere you want to be? Boobs.

Visa. I cannot keep track of these boobs. They are everywhere. They're in your mom's face. They're in the

taco salad. They're in the overhead bin. They're in the overhead bin. They're everywhere. Boobs. Boobs everywhere. They're everywhere you want to be. Not a boob to drink. I was going to say not a drop to drink, but then it's even grosser.

Oh, so good. Yeah. So good. Are you allowed human lactose? Oh, yeah. Talk to your naturopath. Yeah, yeah good. Are you allowed human lactose? Hmm. Oh, yeah. Talk to your naturopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be like, hey, I know I got to align on some...

That's a thing. Could I get a midwife? No, what... A wet nurse. Wet nurse, thank you. That's a thing. And there's a place in New York that makes ice cream out of human breast milk. Oh, okay.

And it's like super expensive and uh why it's definitely like it's like it's because you have money it's not that abundant a resource that you should be making ice cream out of it like no but that's it's a thing where uh wait is it soft serve yeah yeah no i want something can you get a dip cone you can get a blizzard there are there you know there's like people who are just too rich and it's just like well i can't i can't just eat another person which is what i desperately want to do hunt and kill and eat another person. So what can I do that's close? Yeah, I'm running into, everywhere I go, I see, oh, everyone's too rich. It's a problem in my neighborhood.

But in New York, you know, there's people who are too rich. Oh, no, everywhere there are people who are too rich. But there's not so many of them. I see more people who are too poor. I know, but there's got to be enough that somebody was like, we'll get a breast pump out to some... Where is the money going? Is it going...

To big milk. It's going right up... To big nipple. You mean to Luisise guzman that's still good um now this does bring us to the end of the show uh-huh sure uh where can people find you katie online not in life but i mean in life open it wide open if you don't want to be found it's fine no we we have many guests in the witness protection program it's true i i would love to be found i said it last time i was on the show but i think that it bears repeating the stop podcasting yourself fans

that i have had the pleasure to meet since being on the show are so lovely you mean to me so many of them are doing interesting things that i've learned about and i really like connecting with them uh so yeah if anyone is interested they can find me on uh twitter at miss katie ellen m-s-k-a-t-i-e-e-l-l-e-n and uh since my last visit to the podcast i now have instagram which i also really love and it's also miss katie ellen there if you want to go look at silly photos yeah pictures of your life. Pictures of you indulging in one drink. Yeah. After months.

Mostly things I see and I make jokes about. But yeah, follow me on Twitter. I would love it. All right. And Dave, do we have anything you want to... Well, I don't think so. 10 episodes till episode 300. Do you want us to do anything for that? Do you have any ideas about that?

We may or may not listen. An underwater episode. Katie, you're on the board. I think we should reenact the movie 300, which I haven't seen. Can we get Gerard Butler? Yeah, and we'll do that movie 300 first dates

Gerard Butler as a Spartan. Who keeps- Kicking his dates into a pit. Is this madness? It's Sparta. Yeah. Kick. Yeah.

If anybody who's listening wants to head over to MaximumFun.org Check out the website. Isn't it .orb? Yeah,.orb. What did I say? You said org with a G. It's org with a B. I've been saying it wrong this whole time. It's.org. Oh, no. No wonder our traffic's down. Check out the blog recap with pictures and videos

relating to the content of this podcast. Probably a picture of Ernest. Yeah. Maybe a picture of Chuck Berry urinating. Yeah. On Chuck Bears. If such a picture exists. I'll see what I can do. And if you want,

if you like the podcast, if you're new to it, or if you're a long-time listener, why don't you write a review on iTunes to tell people how much he likes it? Yeah, yeah. Five stars and up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll settle for no less. I mean, if you're going to give us four stars, just give us five. Yeah, if you're going to give us four stars, why don't you give your four stars to, like... The Guy Fieri podcast. Yeah. Pastacast.

Is that a thing? Yep. Ooh, give four stars to Maria Menounos' podcast. Who's that? She's a very successful interviewer. She was in that Jamie Kennedy breakdance movie. Okay. Are we at war with her now?

I guess so. She's probably our closest podcast rival. Okay. So down with... What's her name? I want to hear you say it. Mary Meduda. For your 300th episode, maybe you guys should fight dance.

Oh, yeah. We're going to fight dance Maria Menounos. Meduda Medusa. If you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at MaximumFun.org or 206-339-8328. And come on back next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.