Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 291 - Phil Hanley

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Phil Hanley returns to talk Norway, Metallica, and smoking.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 291 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a guy who, I don't know, came in like a wrecking ball. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, like a popular song.

Yeah. Miley Cyrus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number one song in the world. No, number two. What's the number one song? Is that song Royals? Oh, I don't think I know it.

I love that song. Yeah. By Lordi? Oh, I don't know either of those things. By Lordi? Is she from Australia? She's from Nanaimo. She's from New Zealand.

She's from Little Australia. Oh, okay. Is that a song that's popular because it's associated with a football team or something like that? Yeah, yeah. Well, the Kansas City Royals baseball team. They play it before every... She aspires to be one of them, but she'll never be Royals. Take that, Bo Jackson.

And our guest today, return guest. I don't know how many times you've been on the show. I think this is my third time third time uh very funny comedian originally from vancouver now making his home in new york city and just back in town doing a weekend at the uh the comedy mix comedy club and a health spa yeah yeah they do a really great i was was going to say embalming, but that's not it. That's not health. They do this great thing where they pull your brain out through your nose. Place it with sawdust.

Our guest, Phil Hanley. Phil Hanley's our guest. Yeah, hi everybody. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, thanks for coming, man. They do a vampire, there's a vampire makeover, which is where they take... Wait a minute. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Tell me about this vampire makeover. I've talked about it on the show because one of the Real Housewives of Vancouver did it.

And I think they take blood out of your butt and put it in your face or something. You can make a whole vampire weekend out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they take blood from somewhere and they put it in your face. face or something you can make a whole vampire weekend out of it yeah yeah yeah but uh they take blood from somewhere and they put it in your face oh from a uh from a virgin from the town yeah from a calf uh like instead of injecting you with whatever collagen they inject you with blood okay oh your own blood oh yeah you told me about this and then it kind of like makes your face looks like you've been punched uh would do you think it's called the rocky make do you think a mummy makeover would would catch on i feel like that's something they do don't they do wraps where

they wrap you all up in a bandage yeah and thing and then they they make you sleep in a pyramid. Yeah. Dip you in guacamole. Yeah. That's the Mexican. I feel like it would be really peaceful to be, like, a dead pharaoh. Oh, well, until they dig you up and put you in a museum. Oh, yeah, and then you curse everyone.

So, Phil. Yes. New York City. The Big Apple. Yeah. The Trump City, we call it. Yeah, that. Yes. New York City. The big apple. Yeah. The Trump City, we call it. Yeah, that's what I call it. How is it? It's been good.

It's been really good, yeah. Now, you live, you have two roommates. Yes. And it's the greatest, craziest roommate. Yeah, I have my roommate who's 75. Yep. She's a lady oh 75 lady i'm listening a golden girl okay so that's like uh uh what are we talking 1938 oh that's a good year uh yeah yeah it's a 38 woman yeah she's uh right but she's the coolest i mean i've had lots of roommates she's like the coolest roommate i've ever had. Yeah. I moved in. She told me one rule. Don't be an asshole.

And what is she? Didn't she? She has like some kind of like, like as a radical past or something. She's. You should just know, like she's, she's just really, yeah. She's just like interesting. And yeah, but she's very, very cool. And then the other roommate, he's a 92, 92 years old.

Young buck. Yeah. No, I think he's like 50 or something like that. Okay. Yeah. And he's cool too. He's a biblical... Biblical scholar.

So we have that in common. So how did these two just meet? As roommates? They met like years and years ago. When they invented rock and roll. Yes. So, yeah, no, they've lived together for like years. And then I had a friend who was living there because it's like a big space.

Yeah. And it's like the neighborhood's good, like great and stuff so i knew someone that lived there before and then they were moving out and then i just got to move in now uh you've been in new york is it two two years full-time yeah what's your what's your like favorite just kind of daily routine thing to do in new york like what's your favorite thing that you can only do in new york oh i don't know if i I don't know if I have a thing that I... Like, go to a newsstand. That seems like a thing.

Is that really? No, what do I do? Buy your Daily Playboy at the newsstand. Daily Playboy. Hit today's centerfold. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, yeah. They don't have time to Photoshop or to airbrush all these ladies.

It's a quick turnaround. Yeah. It's printed on that, like, kind of horrible newspaper-y paper. It's just black, white, and then, you know, like a third color, red. Yeah, yeah.

It's just got those dots from, like, an Archie that you color it. It's that purple, you know, the... Yeah, mimeograph. Yeah. Very seductive. Yeah, i don't know if i do i have a new york thing uh oh i should have something i don't know like it because it just feels like because you live you live in the city properly you're not like way out no no no yeah uh surprisingly there's I live in the West Village, and there's a thing that's very similar to the seawall.

Okay. It's weird. It's very similar to Vancouver, like a block from where I live. So I'll go down there and just kind of drink a coffee. See, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, have a coffee. What water is it on? Hudson River.

Oh, isn't that like a famously smelly river? It doesn't smell. I would assume if you got your face really close to it, it would smell. It looks, yeah, it's not completely crystal clean. Yeah, I think it's gotten better. Yeah. Oh, is that right? Well, I think one of them rivers was notoriously polluted.

Oh, okay. I think it was the East River in Sefeld where uh the corpses yeah i feel like the east river was like a real popular punchline in 1980s comedy yeah i'm bringing it back or like yeah watching letterman uh uh monologue jokes yeah yeah i bet that's terrible yeah yeah when you would do like a like sometimes they would do do like jokes about the weather in New York City. And you're like, boy, this is not for us at all. Yeah. And your audience is like 100% tourists.

Yeah, who've been there for an hour. Yeah. Since you've been in New York, have you gone and seen any of these late night? Did you go see Letterman? No, I have not. But I would like to. I walk by the theater all the time. Have you ever seen a celeb walk out the back, in the back entrance?

No, but I've cruised by when it seems like someone's going to. I've seen the door. There's hinges on the door. I know it's going to happen. No, because it's like five. I'll cruise by at night or whatever. But it is. It's really heavy to see just because you've seen it so many times on TV. Yeah, yeah, I haven't. No, because it's like five. I'll cruise by at night or whatever. But it is. It's really heavy to see just because you've seen it so many times on TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The, like, yeah, I've only been to New York as a tourist. So I don't know what, like, if you live there, it seems like it's loud all the time. Seems like there's always honking horns. Yeah. Can you? No, now I'm totally like, that's when you said, like, what do you do? Like a New York-esque activity. But now I'm just like, it's just normal. Yeah. Can you... No, now I'm totally... That's when you said, what do you do, like a New York-esque activity? But now I'm just like, it's just normal.

I just do whatever I would do in Vancouver. I walk and eat. Yeah. What are New York-esque activities? You know, like going for crantinis with the girls. Yeah. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Busting ghosts.

Playing the giant piano with your feet. Hanging out with Chandler. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've been there. I've been to the toy store recently. FAO Schwartz.

Yeah, I got my nephew something there. And the piano's still there. No way. Yeah, Hank's is, oh my God. He's there every day. Any requests? He's got a little tip jar. What is,

is FAO Schwartz is like a giant toy store? Yeah, it's pretty big. Like multi floors? lots of floors. It's like the M&M store of toy stores.

Oh yeah, have you been to the M&M store? I've been by the M&M store. Oh, you gotta go in. Yeah. Graham and I went when we went.

Oh, did you really? Yeah. When did you guys go? We went last October. Yeah, we were there and we saw. Oh, and I wasn't there. You told me you were coming. Oh, did you really? Yeah. When did you guys go? We went last October. Yeah, we were there and we saw... Oh, and I wasn't there. You told me you were coming.

Oh, good. Okay, all right. We had... We didn't avoid you. Snub Ola. We went to the M&M's store. We saw the bee from Apartment 23. Yeah, she was leaving Letterman.

Oh, really? Leaving Letterman, yeah. We walked by Guy Fieri's restaurant. Oh, right. I think last time I was on the show, we talked about Guy Fieri. Did I say that last part? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we talk about him all the time.

Oh, do you? Okay, good. I thought it was just me. Yeah. Oh, so did you guys go to see Letterman or anything like that? No, we just happened to be walking by when the... I don't think I'd recognize the bee. She was the girlfriend on Breaking Bad, Jesse's girlfriend.

Have you seen Breaking Bad? She's in Banana Republic ads. Oh, really? Real pretty. Real pretty. Real tall, real pretty. Oh, okay. No, I don't know that girl.

The bee? No, I don't know about that girl. The B? No, I don't. I used to watch Breaking Bad, and then my ex-girlfriend and I stopped watching it. Like, I was with her when we would watch it, and then we stopped. And I feel like I don't want to go back and watch episodes I've already seen, so I don't know where we left off. Why did you call her? I need closure. For that reason. I don't like how we left off. What did you call her? I need closure. For that reason. I don't like how we left things.

What was specifically where in the chronology we left things? Yeah, so, but I feel like yeah, so that's too bad. Now, yeah, well,

you don't want to go back and see episodes again because it'll bring up old feelings. It'll hurt. No, because it feels like a show you don't want to see the same episode twice. Is that right? That's everything now. They don't even do reruns of things. That's true.

Unless they do marathons. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. There's like certain shows that i've seen probably every episode multiple times family jewels uh yeah absolutely yeah absolutely the one where gene you know tries to get a business opportunity um no you know like the simpsons and seinfeld and like friends and fraser like i've seen episodes of those multiple times yeah but i don't think i've ever seen like the same episode of parks and rec twice yeah seen it once and then goes in the vault it's

weird i don't want like i don't want to buy dvds of anything no but like sometimes i'm like oh damn it i wish i wish they would just start showing old wonder years episodes oh that's true i could really get it i could go for that i feel like wonder years is another one where i've seen multiple quantum leap that was another one yeah every like i feel like it was maybe reality shows they they were the first ones that didn't have reruns yeah because like who cares about oh i know who gets voted off survivor yeah that's true it's got no um uh syndication value yeah i've thought that before that's gonna bite them in the ass don't you think yeah they're doing all right yeah and they've bitten us i don't know i'm worried when we were um uh yourself and i and uh a couple other people were coming back from the Blue Bridge Comedy Festival.

Yeah, on No Sleep. You got in a long, very long conversation about the show Duck Dynasty. Oh, yeah. Which I've never seen before. I just know it by reputation. We were with someone who was very defensive about it. Yeah. He was very pro Duck Dynasty.

Very pro. And you were saying, like, nah, I've seen photos of these guys from before the show. They didn't even have beards. defensive about it. Yeah. He was very pro Duck Dynasty. Very pro. And you were saying like, nah, I've seen photos of these guys from before the show. They didn't even have beards. Yeah. Like they kind of look like

Lance Bass. Like Kings of Leon. Yeah. Yeah. You know, yeah. But people rave about that show. I would like it if it was,

I don't know a lot about it. I don't know nearly as much as the guy that we were talking to. And I was just. The duck. Yeah. He calls himself't know nearly as much as the guy that we were talking to. And I was just- The duck. Yeah. He calls himself duck.

No, I just thought that we- I thought it would just go in passing, but no, he claimed he was- Yeah. But what- Have you seen Duck Dynasty? Yeah. And apparently it is like the highest rated show on cable or on TV or something. Yeah.

Yeah. But what is it? Outside of, like, is it totally phony baloney? Oh, it's totally phony baloney. Okay. Because if it wasn't, it would be, because the episode, I was just flipping past it, and there was the oldest guy,

who I've learned his name is Psy. I've done some research since the conversation. Psy, right? Is that the old guy? Yeah, he's the korean uh pop star he runs a duck calling factory yeah okay yeah okay so we're on the same page yeah uh he no he he was singing a beyonce tune and i'm like there's no way that this it would be great if that was true if there was like this old redneck who was saying beyonce like if that was really but you

think somebody like before they film was like here here are the lyrics, practice the melody. Well, it's like Family Jewels. You're like, they're only doing these things because the producers gave them something to do. Yeah, right. So is that it? It's these duck men that go out into the normal world and it's like, let's see these rubes.

Is that the premise? Like, is it like, let's see these pumpkins? The only episode I saw were they didn't go into the real world they were just you know hanging out in the it was sort of like uh that that um the motorcycle building show oh yeah bike men yeah oh bike dynasty bike dynasty but uh uh like it's just these guys are just like a bunch of like what is it that they're a bunch of dumb idiots or they're like yeah they're rednecks and they uh but they're you know they're a family and they're wealthy okay so they've got some family jewels

but they i i think the dialogue must be written too like you think it's all just like yeah and i hate to belabor the thing but he was singing beyond he's like this old guy like i forget what song it was but but you know what i mean like someone wrote that down for him and was like memorize this song yeah don't you think well because where would he hear it like don't they do they even have radios are these these guys rich? Like, what? I don't understand the premise of this show at all. I think they have radios. They have radios.

I think they're a successful duck company. They're listed on the, like, New York Stock Exchange duck index. Yeah, yeah. The Duck Jones Industrial? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. Oh, sorry. NazDucks. Oh, NazQuack. NazQuack.

Goodbye, everybody. But is it like a thing like, for example, if they were brought down to the New York Stock Exchange to ring the bell would one of them show up with a shotgun to be like i'm gonna shoot that bell is it like that uh yeah uh i think i think they would shoot a bell but i don't know they seem like bell shooters they're not like outrageous they're not like honey boo boo who like it seems like an authentic crazy

child that i have not seen i haven't seen it either. I just know that she drinks like what Mountain Dew. Or she doesn't drink water. She only drinks soda. Yeah. Something like that. And her mom like gives her a lot of candy. And she's like a like. I don't know what the premise of Honey Boo is.

I just know that she like says catchphrases. Her mom is a very large woman. Large and in charge. Yeah. And it was like i saw her i saw one of those um tabloids where they're like the stars beach bodies and like they they had her and but like they had her face blurred out like you have to buy the magazine but honey boo is standing next to her well like it's clearly this famous woman who's this famous fat lady yeah why do they what that's a real

ongoing thing the beach bodies issue yeah because it's like you say that a lot of the bad bodies are not people who are like reputed for their bodies like you're like it's all you know it's 75 year old jack nicholson yeah, I thought he was the picture of health. He's not famous for having a good body. He never has been. He looks like Jack Nicholson looks. Jack Nicholson plus gravity equals current Jack Nicholson. Yeah, but it's not ever somebody who's supposed to be

in shape it's like people who are famous for just being like famous yeah you know what i mean yeah it's a normal yeah it's a person in a bathing suit it's like yeah the best beach bodies best and worst is like betty white worst get it together. Now you, because you're traveling, you're working stand-up comedian. You're like flying all over the states, right? Yeah, I'm trying to fly, yeah. I've actually tried to stay in the city this year, but I traveled a lot the last couple years, yeah. Now, I was only asking just because we were talking about it before the podcast, that like, have you've refined your,

your plane skills. Yeah. I got it down. Yeah. You got it down. Will you bring your own snack? I bring, yeah,

I bring, I bring, but there's some snacks involved. I got a bit, I'm going to Norway in a week. There's a, like a comedy festival. Tell us more, please.

You've heard of the Oslo Comedy Festival, Graham. Yeah, no, so I'm just going to go, and that will be, I'll put some planning to that. So what is the Oslo Comedy Festival, and how did you get this gig, and tell us everything. I just got it kind of randomly. I don't know nothing about the Osle of comedy festival but i'm going for five is that in your bio have you seen like are there other english-speaking comedians there me uh myself and two friends uh are gonna go and uh yeah i don't apparently in norway is like big on english-speaking comedy now is that right that's what i've heard i'll find out after they introduce me but yeah um is that are there famous norwegian comics on the bill or who's the most famous person

at the oslo aqua is it aqua are they norwegian i think of some are norwegian one might be danish oh okay well probably the norwegian ones will be there i don't yeah i don't i i don't know who i don't know if it's a big thing or whatever, but it's going to be a decent-sized flight. Yeah. Have you been to Norway, Dave? No. I've been to Sweden and Denmark. So you've been adjacent. Yeah.

What inspired that trip? Oh, the family. Oh, okay. Abby's aunt lives in Sweden. Oh, I think I knew that. Abby's aunt Sheila. Shout out, right's aunt lives in Sweden. Oh, I think I knew that. Abby's aunt Sheila. Shout out, right? We're in Sweden.

I'm going to Sweden, too. Stockholm? Not anymore. They now live in the south of Sweden. I'm not looking for a place to stay. They used to live in Stockholm. Oh, did they? I've been to Stockholm.

You've been to Stockholm? Yeah. Was it great? It's great. Are you doing a whole... I'm going to stay and go there afterwards. So you're going to do Norway. You're going to do Sweden's it's are you doing a whole i'm gonna stay and go there afterwards so you're gonna do norway you're gonna do sweden what else are you gonna do hit switzerland why not no because i'm just there for like five days but i'm no i'm in

norway for four days two shows in one night and then they do three days just to be there i guess what do you do is it skiing what happens in norway oh i don't know oh cross-country skiing biathlon aren't they big? I do that wherever I go. They dominate the Winter Olympics. Yeah, go see some Winter Olympics. Yeah, when is this? In a week.

Really? Yeah, I'm excited. This is amazing. So you got an offer, hey, do you want to fly to Oslo? Yeah, I was like, yes. But I wonder what the thing to do in Norway is. I don't know. But it's such a good- Pickled fish?

Pickled fish, I heard. Vikings. There's a Viking museum. Oh, go to that. In Stockholm, there's a great Viking museum. Shipwreck. Is there a shipwreck museum? Yeah.

Dave's been there, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This sounds great. Yeah, I'm excited, yeah. Yeah, you should be. Yeah. What's your plan? What is that, a nine hour?

Is it a ten hour? I should know. I'm not sure. I would say it's about nine hours. Have you picked up any phrases in Norwegian? I am going to get a guidebook. Lipfisk. Uh-huh.

Yeah. That means lipfish. Don't give me no lipfisk. Cool. Where else are you going? Or is that the highlight? Yeah, no lip-fisk. Cool. Where else have you gone? Or is that the highlight? Yeah, no, that's it. And then Akron.

Akron, Ohio? Yeah, I'm just kidding. No. Yeah, no, that's it. You've been to Akron, Ohio. I have been to Akron, yeah. And you played a university? I played a university outside of Akron.

Tire factory? I played a tire factory. I played... Playing universities. Good? Bad? Ugly. factory I played a tire factory I played playing universities good bad I people always I don't I have fun but you just never know like I played Penn State which seemed to me like Pence I've heard of that yeah got an opener uh no it was it was before the scandal but to me it just because it was a famous american university i thought oh this is gonna be good it was in a breezeway like it was legitimately in a it was like in a the doorway of where students lived

and it was like six kids there and you're just like all right but i yeah i just you talk to the the young people sure yeah they're duck dynasty i know all about yeah tween culture you guys are tweens right i played uh i played a meta night college whoa yeah and then i also played a um all-girl junior college once and everyone showed up in their uh they were like wearing like pajamas so uh at a mennonite college mennonites uh they're like the amish uh i just or they're quakers or no i think i don't know if they're allowed to have cars okay mennonites and uh that's all i really know oh also somebody wrote an article that said like the major drug trade in alberta was through mennonite mennonite really yeah because somehow they have a connection to mexico there's a lot of mex Mennonites really yeah oh because I like looked online to prepare for the show

I didn't they were like I said like should I like be like super clean or whatever and they were like no you know anything you know they watch TV these kids watch TV these kids or whatever huh and I'm not sure if they watch TV they was very they were like and they were all a lot

of them were like married like they were like young like 18 year olds or whatever, like married. Yeah. So, well, yeah. Cause like if,

if they don't have technology, like what would you be studying? Farming? Uh, yeah, I don't, yeah. Uh,

they, I know before I went, I was like, can I get like a student paper or something like that to like, you know, just in case. So I read it. Oh no, we don't have

we don't have that yet one of the kids was like they were like what's your favorite i guess it must have been last year around christmas and they were like what's your favorite christmas tradition and one of the kids his favorite christmas tradition was him and his family all get matching pajamas every year and they put on their pajamas and they open the gifts or whatever so i was like oh there's got to be something there so i brought that up and the guy that wrote the thing was in the crowd started booing yeah no yeah they were like yeah that's like they were they just thought it was inappropriate for me to discuss his christmas today even though he went public

the pj party was public he didn't know them yeah yeah but they yeah it was shunned him yeah there was a guy in the crowd with no shoes. There was a kid. It was like there was snow on the ground. He had no shoes. So there's differing levels of what technology. Was he just poor? Yeah.

No. His name was Huck Finn. Oh. Yeah. No, I didn't know. So that was obviously a question. Like, no shoes. And they were just like, yeah, like this.

You know what I mean? That's the dean of our school. So I didn't know if he was just a kid. Yeah, it was a confusing evening. Was he wearing anything else that would go along with the no shoes look? Suspenders. He was wearing a barrel. Yeah, tattered pants.

Was he shipwrecked? He did seem happy to see me. He did. He had an SOS sign. He shot a flare. No, he was... And they were very defensive about their... I mean, the show was fine.

But for me, as a comedian, if you're not wearing shoes, are you not going to talk about the guy that doesn't wear shoes? Of course. And not in a mean way, just in a like, let me... Like, comedian, if you're not wearing shoes, are you not going to talk about the guy that doesn't wear shoes? Of course. And not in a mean way, just in a, like, let me... Like, what's going on there, pal? Everyone in the room is thinking about it.

Let's talk about it. I got that huge planner's work closer. And obviously, I tied it into the Dean's attire. You're the fasciitis guy. What hot pockets are to Jim Gaffiganaffigan planner fasciitis is to whatever your name is shoeless jim um the uh in victoria at the last show of the festival there was a guy in the front row uh smoking a weird e-cigarette. Yeah.

And I feel like every comic wanted to make fun of him, but there was kind of a, like, okay, let's decide who's going to make fun of this guy so we don't just all in sequence go up and make fun of this guy. That seems like really easy to make fun of, e-cigarettes. Yeah. And the people who use them. Yes. Because they're illegal indoors?

Yeah. And they also have a light that kind of, when you breathe in on it, this blue light activates. And it's really like a signal flare for the whole room. Like, oh, this guy is doing that. You know? Yeah. You see them. They're always in clubs now.

Are they really? Yeah. you see them i see they're always in clubs now are they really yeah i see them all the time i've only that's the first time i've seen a guy like confidently sitting there like smoking one like it was normal you knew that guy so wanted attention it was crazy he was also wearing a fedora yeah he was wearing a crazy fedora yeah what do they make like e pipes or cigars i think he had some kind of weird it wasn't quite like the regular e cigarette it was more like like a glass thing yeah can you get can you get glowing gum to quit smoking like just some i just want the the blue incandescent. Cha. Blue cha. Yeah. Exactly. Blue saliva. You just spit it out.

Ding. But yeah, like, I know like recently there was a series of ads with Jenny McCarthy is for e-cigarettes. And Stephen Dorff. That's who got me on them. Stephen Dorff. Stephen Dorff is from, like, what, movies? Yeah. Yeah.

What movie? Buffalo 66? No. Is that him? That's, no, he was on, I bet you, wasn't he, didn't Stephen Dorff, wasn't he on, like, a sitcom or something? Like, when he was a kid. He was, like, a child actor.

Really? Yeah, and then he was, well, I mean, now he's- Is he on Duck Dynasty now? Now he's a bad boy, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's on... Yeah, he's on E! Cigarette Dynasty. He's in the Blade pictures.

Oh, right, yeah. But didn't he do something before that wasn't E!? Yeah, he was a 90s guy. He smoked real cigarettes. Yeah, he was a 90s chick. It seems like they're only getting these celebrities that were famous in the 90s. Yeah. Because I feel like they've narrowed down.

Lark Voorhees for e-cigarettes. I feel like that, isn't that the group that's going to use e-cigarettes? It's not. Kids aren't going to take up e-cigarettes, right? Like new smokers are just smoking regular cigarettes yeah so it's four people who have smoked since whatever 15 years ago and now want to quit yeah and uh and haven't watched television since the 90s so i'm looking up uh steven dorf right now i'm not being rude i know yeah you're you're but but this is an investigation according to imdb all the things he's known for are from like the last five years oh really there are

e-cigarette commercials listed he was in that britney spears video where she uh drowns in a bathtub oh weird oh i remember that yeah yeah. Yeah. Great video. But, like, here's my question. Are e-cigarettes, is that a thing that's becoming accepted? Or are they just, like, are they a joke thing? Well, my thing is that they say that they're not bad for your health. But I'm like, didn't they say that about real cigarettes? Yeah, yeah. At one point?

For a long time. Yeah. It is chemicals going in your face. But I'm like, didn't they say that about real cigarettes at one point? For a long time. Yeah. It is chemicals going in your face. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And apparently if you plug it into something with the wrong charger, they explode. Oh. Like if you don't use the proper.

I mean, that's true of everything. That's true. Stevendorf was in The Power of One. No. Judgment Night. Blood and Wine. Sure. do you remember that jack nicholson oh yeah no i don't remember it but yeah backbeat oh yeah backbeat i remember did he play stewart sutcliffe the handsome beetle the handsome dead beetle um and the aerosmith video with Alicia Silverstone. Oh, that's it. Where she jumps off the overpass.

Yeah, and he kind of, he's like, come on, don't suicide on me. Yeah, and then she does, but she miraculously has a harness. Yeah, it's a bungee jump. Yeah, and also, but you see that when she falls, it looks like her back snapped into it. Yeah, it's really, uh, it's a tough fall. Yeah. her back snapped into. Yeah, it's a really, it's a tough fall.

E-cigarettes. Anyways, I just, I don't know. They seem like segues to me. Like there's like, you know? Oh yeah, they are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're very seguesque. Like when somebody does that,

the only time I've been around somebody who smoked an e-cigarette, he didn't ask if it, is this okay? Like people with cigarettes would ask, is this all right if I smoke? But e-cigarette, he didn't ask if it, is this okay? Like, people with cigarettes would ask, is this all right if I smoke? But e-cigarette people just assume that that's... What are the, like, things like that? The segue, the e-cigarette. Bluetooth.

Sure. Yeah. Like, you know, there are things when you see somebody with them, you're like, ooh, boy. Like, cell phone holster. Fedora. Fedora. Yeah, unfortunately, Fedora really went the way of, also, Western Duster jacket. them you're like little boy like cell phone holster fedora fedora yeah yeah unfortunately

fedora really went the way of uh also uh western duster jacket yeah yeah yeah those are those are really something those are for you know kevin smith fans and below um what else what else what else am i missing here e-cigarettes certainly are like the, the like. Mazda Miata. No, but Segways, they were like, this is going to be like, people aren't going to walk in five years. People are just going to ride a Segway. They weren't wrong.

Yeah. Uh, but like. Truck nuts. Truck nuts are still cool. That's true. Those are outrageous. Do you see a lot of those in the States? Not enough, but you do see.

In New York on taxis? Is that an Alberta thing? You see a lot of truck nuts? I feel like I saw a lot when I was in Alberta. Yeah, not as much anymore, but there was a time when they were really popular, and you could get them in two. It feels like two varieties. You could get metal ones, or you could get these silicone flesh-colored ones, which were so gross. Yeah, would they bounce?

Yeah. Really? They would wiggle. Oh, that's nasty. Because they're the truck nuts, but they're nuts of an old. They look of an elderly person, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not like a...

Or a guy on a hot day. Yeah. One of us gets really defensive. Yeah. I think they're... I think they're pretty average. Pretty average. Yeah.

I think they're good. I don't know. You have to buy the... They're like factory installed. So you have to get the year that you're trucking. Oh, they should do that. Yeah, so like this is what your nuts would look like if you were from 1991. Instead of that sticker on your license plate, you have to have

the nuts. So it says... You have to get them updated every year? No, you have to send them a picture of yourself and they imagine what you're actually doing. So that's why some people have chrome ones. They send in a picture of R2-D2. Oh, R2-D2 with a pair of truck nuts.

That'd be pretty funny. Same with C-3PO with a pair. Oh, man. The possibilities are endless. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, boy. Guys. Yeah.

Well, here's what's up The last few episodes Of this show Have been In the past, when we record the show I then go and I edit it And it takes me five hours To get every Sniffle and snort

And all of the levels The the same but uh we recently upgraded our microphones and uh thank you donors yeah and now it takes me it's about 45 minutes really like i listen to the show and i make notes of what needs to change and it's nothing it's like uh you know when we're all talking at the same time, it's kind of hard to pick out whose voice to turn up or down. But now I have like so much free time these last few weekends. And so I've been like catching up on movies I haven't seen before. And I've just been sort of like wandering around wondering what I'm supposed to do on my weekends now. But I was inspired because these microphones are the same microphones.

When I bought them, I was like, oh, I recognize these microphones from the Metallica movie, Some Kind of Monster. Oh, yeah. All right. The microphone that he is making up. He's scatting to. I like Metallica's freestyle stuff. That keen eye thanks yeah right yeah very much so and so I was like oh I should rewatch that movie I thought you're gonna say you should do some metallic scats well

he's like I rewatch it and his voice is really impressive. He can just turn on that Metallica singer voice. That screamy... Yeah, and just like when he has a microphone in front of him, he can put on that character. But when he's just talking, he's just kind of a normal dude. Yeah, they... I mean, they're not normal dudes, these guys. They've got all sorts of weird, groupie sex. Do you think that changes youie sex do you think that changes you or do

you think that yeah i think it changed trust me it changed or do you think that was part of them that all along no i think they were just a bunch of dudes i don't i don't really know the history of metallic all that well but they were just like a bunch of dudes who were like probably didn't get a lot of attention from uh women and then got like a ton of attention from women because they were rich and famous and i think it's probably i think it messed with their uh because they're weird guys now right like the the that band is a bunch of weirdos yeah but and i don't think it's just because of groupies i think also because they got famous. Yeah, because they were... They got famous when they were, like, 20. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like that's going to mess. Right? Yeah, especially when... Yeah, it's not like you're, like, a child star who... Like, at least you have people around you to fuck you up. It's like no one was protecting them anymore yeah like you're not you're not uh smart enough to like be making millions of dollars and like be making smart choices with your life you're still a dumb idiot right but uh uh you're not exactly you're not like under the control of

the state or whatever like once you're 18 it's the same thing with motley crew like they got super famous yeah and then just turned into like monsters some kind of monsters yeah no absolutely apt um but i yeah i hadn't seen that movie in a long time probably the best movie i really liked it i really enjoyed it yeah yeah there's cry so much in it yeah there was one cries they all do during the therapy thing oh right yeah yeah there's a bunch of babies there's that weird thing with the therapist didn't want to cruise like he was like us like he just kept calling them us and they're like well yeah no we gotta and didn't he wear crazy sweaters yeah he wore like bill cosby pg sweaters that's right

it's a different one in every scene oh those are very expensive those sweaters well he makes forty thousand dollars a month. Sure. Or whatever. I forget what they pay him. A week, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, but then they...

Yeah, it's just all like... I don't think... Do you think that they were happy the way that that movie ended up portraying them? Or do you think they were like, well, this is the end of our bad guy image forever. They'll just have to just kind of muddle through. There's a lot of stuff in there about napster because that was after they had like made everyone mad about napster boy did they pick a dumb fight yeah it's not even around yeah they're like the inventor of napster is less famous for

napster than metallica yeah yeah right uh That would have been so great in that Facebook movie if Justin Timberlake, because didn't Justin Timberlake play the guy who invented Napster? Yeah, one of the two guys. And if there was, who would you cast as Metallica in the Facebook movie? Like, just in a scene where they call him and like, hey, knock it off. I mean, I think Robert Downey Jr. could be Kirk Hammett, the guitar player. Oh, yeah, good call. Who would be the, what's the lead singer? Oh, stunt casting Robert Downey Jr. could be Kirk Hammett, the guitar player. Oh, yeah. Good call.

Who would be the... What's the lead singer? Oh, Stunt Casting. Is this Stunt Casting? Yeah, yeah. A little bit. Yeah, right. I didn't know it.

You guys just go right in. Who's the lead singer? What's his name? James Hetfield. James Hetfield. Ooh. Tough. We need...

What about Hellboy? What's his name? Oh, Ron Perlman. Yeah, Ron Perlman. Wow, that's a compliment. He's like about having to go to therapy. Yeah, Ron. Okay. Yeah Wow, that's a compliment. Talking about having to go to therapy. Yeah, Ron, okay. Yeah, and then Lars.

Lars, that's the big one. Who played the Quatto? No, I think, you know, the guy Pete from Mad Men. Oh, my goodness. You're really good at this. Yeah, that's perfect. He'd be a good Lars, right? Kind of mealy.

And then do you cast the old bass player or the new guy? The new bass player is more fun. Who's the new bass player? What does he look like? Ralph Macchio. He looks just like the karate kid? He's like a Latin dude. He's got long hair, Latin dude.

Ralph Macchio is as good as you're gonna bring him back i think so yeah that's pretty good yeah but like just a scene where they're on a conference call with uh just to be like just like a quick like it's an outtake they're like this doesn't fit in the movie yeah yeah at all uh pretty good there's one scene where uh uh like you realize that these guys are are they're trying to relate to every man, but they've been in the studio for four years. And they're paying this producer who probably costs thousands of dollars a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's certain points where you realize how rich they are.

When they get the new bass player, they give him a million dollars. That's right! And that's in advance. He's going to have to pay them back, but he'll have no problem. You'll make a million dollars. Yeah, and didn't they do it just so you don't feel left out of being a millionaire or something? Yeah, exactly. Like when we're all on tour and we're going for steak dinners,

you don't have to get a Taco Bell. Yeah, don't feel like you have to order just a salad when we're all eating Falcon. That's a perfect Appie. Falcon poppers? Pot stickers. And the other part is when Lars, he's got a bunch of art and he wants to get rid of all of his art. And he's like, oh, this art sort of represents this part of my life and getting rid of it.

And there's one that goes for like $5.5 million. Yeah, and he's pacing. He's like up. He's like watching it from like a box seats. He's somehow watching the auction from a box seats. Oh, that's right. And he's pacing back and forth. And isn't there somebody who's on the floor with the phone up to Lars?

It's touch and go. Yeah, touch and go. I don't know if I'm going to make my money back on this Basquiat. Yeah, that's right. He had a lot of that. And then didn't he have, it was like a Warhol, or he had somebody like really, it was like a super famous. You're like, he owns that painting? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah, what a life. Yeah. But still, just miserable guys. Oh, yeah. And every day wearing a different Adidas track pants just relating to the common man yeah i mean i guess you're drumming you need your your legs oh yeah yeah you can't wear a tight pair of jeans maybe they did in their early days but uh those truck nuts gotta breathe yeah you

may you wear that on stage but if you're in the studio, hour after hour. Yeah, they're all in flip-flops. They just look like... Yeah, there's a lot of flip-flops. Yeah. But they're all dads and stuff. They're not like Lemmy from Motorhead, who just stayed being Lemmy. Lemmy from now and Lemmy from 30 years ago could hang out and be like have common interests yeah but metallica now and metallica then oh yeah like old lars and new

lars yeah yeah like lars wouldn't let his if he had a daughter he wouldn't let his daughter date old lars no because he'd be like no if you guys have a kid, then it'll be me, and it'll scrub the whole space. Yeah, it's not that he doesn't like his old self. He just is confused about talking about it. He didn't get the question. Oh, man. So that's me. I've been watching... Catching Up?

Yeah, Catching Up. Isn't there a new one? There's a new documentary. There's like... About Metallica? Yeah, yeah. That just came out. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's a concert film. About Metallica? Yeah, yeah. That just came out. Oh, yeah.

It's a concert film. Yeah, but it's 3D and there's an actor in it. Yeah, no, it's kind of, yeah, it's sort of like. What is it? It's got a storyline. It's a concert from the center of the earth. They filmed it here. Really?

I heard they filmed it here, yeah. Wow. So the guy. There's a storyline. What's the story? We gotta get to the gig. The guy gets there and watches it? How's it end? He leaves.

No, it's like they just stole Hard Day's Night. Everybody's chasing Metallica around, swinging London. Robert Trujillo is traveling with his grandfather. He's very clean. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, check it out. Check it out, guys. Well, check it out. Graham, what's up with you?

Well, this past weekend, I was the... Oh, also, before we start this, we haven't mentioned we won the Canadian Comedy Award. I was going to mention that, congratulations. Yeah, thanks to everybody who voted. Pictures of the award being slimed are on their way. Yeah, a few, while we were pleading for people to vote for us, Graham said, if you voted for us, send a screen cap of your vote, and we'll privately send you a picture of us sliming the award.

I forget why. I don't know, we were talking about sliming like the old Nickelodeon, you can't do that on television, sliming. So we're going to slime the award. Oh, nice. And thanks to the handful of people who sent us pictures of their vote. But we're just going to show everyone. Well, and I'll do a special one with my truck nuts for the people who voted and sent the screen caps.

What are you going to use for this slime? Oh, there's recipes online. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. It's very simple. Simple three-ingredient recipe. A locovore, sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred-mile slime diet.

Wow, okay. Yeah, it's simple. Phil, you can make slime anytime. Because it's quite a striking color, if I remember correctly. You could make a hundred milliliters of slime, take it to Norway. Really? Well, you know. Oh, I could in all hands?

Because travel restrictions. You can't travel with as much slime as you used to be able to. Thanks a lot. I'm going to have to check this bag. It's mostly slime. Yeah, so thanks everybody who voted. It's a nice award.

It's a nice looking trophy. Yeah, it's a little, it'll really capture the slime. Where are you going to put it now it's on your kitchen counter? It's where it's going to stay. Oh, really? Maybe back there. Yeah, you should put it in the studio. Yeah, build a little shelf maybe.

Yeah. There's all sorts of possibilities. I'm real busy. No, I heard you got a lot of spare time. So yeah, this past weekend, very last minute, I was asked to be the opening act for Dave Chappelle while he was in town. Oh, I heard that last night. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was at this theater in town.

The QE? The QE Theater, which I don't think I've ever been in either to watch a thing or certainly not to perform in a thing. And Dave Chappelle is great. And he did four shows. And he smokes on stage during performance which is something that you will never see Stephen Dorff

wouldn't do that absolutely but it's he smokes like almost like kind of like half a pack of cigarettes

per performance and I don't know how are you so jealous so jealous I've never wanted like since I quit smoking

I haven't had a thing that's made me like oh i really really want a cigarette after watching it it's literally i can't stop thinking about how cool because it's as cool as you could look yeah dave chappelle he's in super great shape too yeah he's fit right yeah he's super fit he's up there smoking. The smoke's like swirling in the spotlight. It's as cool as smoking could ever look. And I was just like, oh, man. Just couldn't. Still can't.

Stop thinking about smoking. How much time did he do? An hour-ish per show. And he never took a swig of water or anything. He's just smoking. You just need cigarettes. Yeah. Cigarettes. The reason he's in great shape cigarette yeah i think so the reason he's

so funny cigarette yeah water is bad for you you can just smoke yeah yeah yeah that's true smoke as as long as it's equivalent to how much you would drink would you want water on stage yeah he had water on stage he never took a swig of it but just constantly smoking and i like i didn't really start comedy in a time when people were still able to smoke on stage but i forgot that that's like a big that's like an old stand-up comedy thing yeah somebody's smoking yeah cigars or cigarettes on stage yeah there may be places still like in the midwest where you can probably smoke i think you can smoke in in bars in nashville oh that see that seems right to me like i wouldn't want to see a country band

yeah you know or even drinking like a smoothie between songs i feel like the carolinas is that that's where they grow it so they would probably never ban it yeah but I feel like this, you know, Dave Chappelle is going on like a national tour. So most of the places he was playing, probably you're not allowed to smoke in them. So how does that, do you just pay a fine up front? I wonder that, because I've seen him smoke. I saw him smoke in a club in New York City and there's like crazy smoking laws there. Yeah, so how does it? I don't know.

I don't know. I guess, I don't know. I don't know. I don't. I guess. I don't know. It's good to me. I was like, how is this happening? Like, because Vancouver is a very. Yeah.

Not smoking friendly. Yeah. Yeah. In any way. And this is like a very proper theater theater. Like it wasn't. It's not. It wasn't a club.

Like I could see him getting away with it in a club, maybe. Yeah. But maybe even... It's still weird, though, because no one has smoked in that room for 15 years or whatever. Oh, and I couldn't imagine people who are smokers, like, just like, oh, he looks like he's really enjoying that cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole hour, you're just thinking, like...

But in Coover, you can't even smoke, like, isn't it... There's, like, 10 meters in front of the... You're not allowed to smoke, yeah, within 5 or 10 meters. I feel like, yeah, he must have to pay a fine, or they just, like, they turn the other cheek. Yeah. Either he pays a fine, or they're like, fine. Or, like, the cigarette company acknowledges that it looks really cool, and so they offer to pay the fine. They're like, this is great advertising for us. It's true

it's it's as effective it's as effective in advertising for smoking as jenny mccarthy for e-cigarettes is unaffected or ineffective right like it was anyways so it was it was a great time but it just like like i really since i quit smoking it's very easy you don't see people smoking here ever and when you do they just look fucking miserable they're outside in the rain yeah they're hacking like there's a guy across the alley from me that just hacks you know the whole time and so you're like oh that's easy to unromanticize smoking yeah yeah but then when you see like this cool guy doing the coolest thing. Yeah.

And, like, it just happens. Like, wow. You don't even see it in movies much anymore. No, like, Mad Men, I feel, is, like, the only time I regularly see somebody smoking. And everybody in the series looks really sick. Like, they all just look, like, really beaten up and hungover. It makes me want to drink during the daylight hours. So Mad Men makes me want to drink a scotch. Yeah. Just the way the sunlight

catches the brown liquor. I should be bombed now. Well, also, they don't serve it out of just regular bottles. What are they called? Like, carafes? Oh, yeah. The fancy crystal bottles.

What are they called? Like like pouring it looks pretty cool decanters yeah see like that's the thing there's a way to like I can see why there was such a like we've got to cut down on the advertising and the cooling up of cigarettes images because man it's really easy

to make it look cool you forget that oh yeah just put the coolest guy, have him smoking. Yeah. And make the light catch the smoke. Oh, man. It was like Lenny Bruce era of being on stage and just like the swirling smoke and the spotlight. Good stuff.

What a great gig. Did you guys chat and stuff? Very briefly. spotlight oh good stuff what a great gig were you guys did you guys chat and stuff very briefly but uh yeah it's crazy too because um he doesn't he doesn't have a like they don't intro him he just walks on stage and so there's a moment where people in the audience think that he's a guy that's gonna go adjust the microphone because he doesn't he doesn't walk out like with any fan fair he just walks out to the microphone and then people kind of realize four or five steps in there like that's the guy we paid a lot of money

so you would do how much time were you doing 20 minutes so you do 20 and then i leave thank you you'd leave and then there's a dj on stage he plays a couple of songs and then dave just walks out oh really okay yeah yeah okay and then uh start smoking and you're like what why why not me why did i do they were out there i should have had one oh were they on stage when you were on stage yeah like a little little stool with cigarettes yeah yeah okay yeah i showed in a uh i'm proud of myself i showed so much restraint i didn't have one cigarette after that two nights because Because, yeah, it's weird. Like I say, it's something I've blocked out of my brain.

Now it's back. Now I've got to try and re-block it. Because now every time I see a cigarette, all I think about is how cool it is. Yeah, and it is. It's the coolest. Ah, Dave, don't. Yeah, so that was me. That was me.

I'm back on the I love cigarettes bandwagon but you're not smoking big tobacco would you think you would have a would you have no it would be i'd be immediately i would have one cigarette and i'd be back to a pack a day smoker within a week okay there's no there's no middle ground with me and cigarettes it's weird because i remember people yeah i used to smoke like people i didn't smoke but people would smoke like a pack of cigarettes a day but even like my my friends that are like hardcore smokers now everyone kind of has cut it back to like half a pack or yeah people don't smoke the way they used to well because you can't because because like we have to put on a jacket and go outside and go away from the place that you're in like you can't just pop

out the door and like yeah yeah you know have a conversation with somebody through the window. Or smoke indoors. Even smokers, I know smokers that don't even smoke indoors. Or make a big deal, like, I shouldn't really be smoking. In their own place. Smoking indoors is gross. It is. On stage, awesome.

But in your own apartment, ugh. Because then you're like, oh, I'm going to go eat something, and the cutting board smells like a cigarette. Or like a hotel. Do you want a smoking room or a non-smoking room? Are you insane? Yeah, really. Asbestos?

No asbestos. It's true. Do you want the walls to be just sort of browny yellow? Yeah. Well, there was those rooms, the hotel in Calgary. There was like two comedian rooms, and i'd always have like an excuse why i couldn't stay in it because they would smell it's just it's like 20 years of like comics smoking butts oh yeah not only that just yeah yeah i didn't want to say what else yeah just

disrespecting property yeah and themselves let's be honest it's a sin what they did in there yeah i uh for a while i lived in a in a motel and it was a smoking room wow you lived in a motel yeah you seem like the type yeah and it was really gross when did you live in a motel and why did you not tell me i was why i wasn't invited to visit oh this is before we knew each other this is when i was uh maybe 18 really yeah i went and worked on um a gas pipeline in southern alberta oh and uh because the town was populated almost entirely by people who worked on different people who were about to get exploded yeah there was no uh you couldn't rent an apartment there was no apartments in this town okay so uh they the company put me up in a motel i lived in a motel for a while and then i finally

found a an apartment uh but yeah the room when i showed up to the motel they were like oh we fucked up the uh the booking uh so your room isn't going to be ready for a week, but in the meantime, we'll put you in the grand, like the grand suite. Oh, nice. And I walked in and man, it was floor to ceiling, brown carpet,

like on the walls, on the walls, on the roof. And then the roof had, uh, mirrors with that gold speckle. Yeah. Yeah. Gold schlle. Yeah. Yeah.

Gold schlager. Yeah. Yeah. Gold schlager mirrors. And I was smoking at the time. I was smoking at the tub, smoking. Was it like a big heart-shaped bathtub? It had jets, I think. It had jacuzzi jets.

And it also, it was right next to the sauna that had a big sign on the door that said no sex in the sauna and the first night I was there I was like somebody doesn't know how to read yeah call me illiterate but yeah it was crazy it was the biggest room the motel had

but it was yeah it was just carpet if I saw a sign that said no sex in the sauna i would assume there'd been so much sex in that sauna they might as well just say no sauna because i would not do you want to go in somewhere where it's like yeah yeah it was like people must have died yeah yeah that's right died having their last breath be some cedar cedar and cedar steam that's disgusting yeah no that's it's quite all right uh i was just uh i went to graceland recently really yeah and they had uh uh alvis had the jungle room and it had carpet on the uh walls was it like uh like like did it make it look like a jungle Or was it like tiger skin

Was it anything like It was very Very similar to the Stop Podcasting Yourself Studio Yeah it was like that Like a shag Yeah it was a shag Very similar to that A little deeper green

And it was all over the Oh there was a ceramic panthers I think that's where the jungle really yeah very cool yeah yeah but like i guess at a point in time probably the early 70s being able to carpet things other than the floor must have been very opulent yeah i think so yeah like like oh we don't stop just at the floor. We do everything. The toilet. The sink. Carpet sink.

The old wet tub. Or carpet tub. Yeah. Just horrid. Horrid, horrid. Yeah, it seems weird. Yeah, because it seems like you would do it once and then you'd be like, oh, this was pointless. Yeah, yeah.

And it really retains the smells of everything. Like a bath mat you can put in the washing machine yeah but a rug you can't or wet wash the or whatever steam oh wet back yeah wet back yeah the walls but yeah it was gross something a nice room yeah it was okay i mean i only got to stay there for a week then they moved me into the standard i heard that's a crazy lifestyle those guys that work on the oil like i heard that there's a lot of partying involved. There wasn't for me, because it was me and three other guys that worked on this. They were all older guys. Has that job

had a reality show yet? Pipe fitters. Yeah, probably. Carpet walls. Carpet wallers. Grody Motel. Just guys vacuuming the roof. It's's really tough they gotta be strong strong shoulders uh yeah no there's no career uh there's no career banal enough to not turn into a right

reality show sure right in that one with the tow truck operators. It feels like they're making fun of us. Like when you click by the TV, it feels like someone did a spoof 10 years ago what it's going to be. Like it's just crazy now. Yeah, because it's,

you know, what was the one I watched? And it was like, and I couldn't stop watching it. It was like baggage handlers or something. Oh, yeah. No, it was Canadian Border Patrol. Oh, yeah.

That one's not bad. It's not. As far as reality shows go, it's not bad. For a Canadian reality show, it's amazing. Yeah, that's true. Do they bust people? Yeah. Yeah, there was this guy.

It was so funny. Yeah, there was this guy. It was so funny because, you know, like on these shows, there will be these moments where a criminal knows that he's about to get busted. And so then pretends he doesn't know the answer to the question. And you're like, it's the last line of defense before they break down and just tell the truth. So there was this guy. He was a street performer. Okay. And he's coming into Canada. And the guy. So there was this guy, he was a street performer. He's coming into Canada

and the guy... Let's steal our quarters. Well, the guy... The border agent asked him, he's like, I see that you have a criminal record. And a derby.

He says to the guy, what was your arrest for and the guy's like um i can't really i don't really remember and like the guy's like are you sure you can't remember because i can look it up what it's for and the guy's like yeah it was for um you know kids uh inappropriate uh things with kids. Oh, good lord. Yeah. I just don't remember the wording. Yeah, it's just like it was something to do with kids. Anyways, yeah, he got turned away.

But it was great where he was like, just like, I don't remember. I think maybe it was something good that I did. Yeah, it was the reason my family doesn't talk to me. Yeah, I might have, I think I visited a kid in a hospital and brightened his day. Is that possible? No, it wasn't that.

No, it wasn't that. Was it that I had a kid and I was a good dad? No, I don't think that's what it was. I am. Anyway, it's weird that I don't remember this

because it's pretty central to my life. It's the reason I got turned away from the... Well, it ruined my life. Yeah, it's my marriage. Yeah, it's why i'm a street performer now i used to have a job uh anyways anyways watch that show yeah and uh remember kids if you're gonna start smoking try a bunch of different brands yeah don't just go with the first one that a kid gives you you

know shop around and get caught by your parents smoking. So they make you smoke the entire, like, finish the pack. Yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And, you know, you get the lecture, this is a starter drug, and then down a path that eventually leads to a border, border show. You end up on border.

A very embarrassing border turn away. Should we move on to overheard? Okay. Justin, what are you doing? I'm strapping a chicken to my arm. Heard there's some plague out west, so I just wanted to get out ahead of it. Justin, if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast, Sawbones, where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting,

you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work. Sawbones? I haven't caught it. Sawbones? Yes. It's every Friday on the Maximum Fun Network and we record it together. Are you a doctor or something? Yes.

Yes! Overheard. And Overheards. Things when you are venturing forth. Now, Graham, before we move on to Overheard. Go on. It's time for my favorite segment on the show. A segment called Popular Wrestler Weekly. Oh, no!

It seems there's this wrestler. Yeah. His name is Hulk Hogan. Go on. And for a website, he's doing a music video. Hostamania is the website. Okay, you do your dumb Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news?

It's a Hulk Hogan news. Now, Hulk Hogan... Uh-huh. See, and I got a lot of tweets about it. You even made a joke about it on Twitter. Oh, I make a joke about any time there's any Hulk Hogan news that... That hits the mainstream. Your average person hears.

Oh, Graham's gotta hear this. Of course Graham has gotta hear it, but Graham's also heard it. Yeah. Because I have a Google alert about Hulk Hogan, so I know everything that's going on in the Hulk Hogan-iverse. But yeah, he's... Hulk Hogan's big on lending his name to products. He had a blender at one point.

Apparently, the story goes that he was offered either the blender or the grill. The grill became the George Foreman grill, and his blender became nothing. It's something that you would find at the same store you would find a gremlin. You'd have to go to some curio shop, and there would be a mogwai and

a blender. But yeah, so he's like, I'm sure it's not, he's not running this company. Yeah, he's not hosting websites. It's called Hostamania. And I guess somebody must have told him that they're swinging on a wrecking ball. Like, there's no way he knows what Miley Cyrus is or any of that kind of stuff. And so they made him swing at, have you seen this video?

No. Hulk Hogan swings in on a wrecking ball and he's wearing like a thong. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Check it out. I didn't see it. Yeah, so that's it.

That's what he's playing. I'm surprised of all the people who could have made a parody of the wrecking ball thing. Yeah, my money wouldn't have been on Hulk Hogan. Yeah, I was surprised to see that he was the one who got only surprised very much so um i just want to say that since you do this website and people send you hundreds of messages telling you hulk hogan news you deserve it yeah um since you do this this segment yeah sure but uh and i don't do the segment i still get the messages i don't deserve this oh no you do you're associated with me and so you deserve it also for

stoking the fire you doubled you double time deserve it and uh don't even pretend you don't my innocent so people email you tweet mostly tweet you yeah innocent. So people email you. Tweet mostly. Tweet you. Are these people, like, is it his neighbors? Yeah, yeah, his manager, Mr. Fuji, is writing me. Jimmy the Mouth is so hard. So you already know when they... Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. But I like, a lot of people send me, like, cool Hulk Hogan things they found.

I always love that. Oh, like a photo? Yeah, a photo. like a doll or whatever yeah somebody found one of the the mixers at a thrift store in like astoria new york and sent me a photo of like the hulk hogan oh the hulk hogan blender yeah yeah which i've never seen before oh is it a hand mixer no it's a like a giant blender right and uh just has a picture of him on it i don't think you know is it yellow and red no there's nothing hulky about it do you think do you think the grill would have been more or less successful if it had been the whole coven grill oh i don't know i guess probably so successful

it is so successful yeah but but it was the first of its kind, right? That, like, tiny grill? Yeah. So I think it would have been as successful. Maybe. I don't know. Was George Foreman, like, a big name at the time? Well, but he wasn't obnoxious in the infomercial. That's true. He wasn't swinging on a wrecking ball.

Right. Yeah. That's true. He was in the infomercial, right? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, I vaguely remember that. Yeah.

But, like, that was the first. My roommate has one. He uses it all the time oh does he yeah it's crazy i've used one before what did you grill an eggplant uh i think it was a turkey burger oh yeah yeah i've never used one is it can you use it like a panini press oh no it was a grilled cheese i made a grilled cheese yeah yeah it's just it's like a panini press. Look, Dave, let me tell you about it. It's small. It's compact. Okay. Yeah. It's easy to clean.

Yeah. It's a fat-reducing grilling machine. It's got a little trap for the fat. Easy cleanup. Easy storage. You can take it on a plane. You can plug it into your car. You can grill things on the way to work.

They do have a little plug sometimes on the plane. Yeah. That's for a grill. Yeah. That's for your George Foreman grill grill or your hot cooker blender yeah that would be really great to bring a blender on the plane like it's empty when you bring it on so yeah you could probably bring it on you make a milkshake yeah just order all the ingredients you can make it you can make like a margarita yeah you have you have more than eight ounces of liquid well technically this ice cream was You can make like a margarita.

You have more than eight ounces of liquid. Well, technically, this ice cream was solid, but it melted. Oh, yeah. You can bring little ingredients, like separate little containers. Yeah, yeah. Little booze bottles. Yeah, they allow you to take unlimited amount of those, right? Whole suitcase full of food bottles.

I'm gonna get drunk. Oh, that would be funny. Just that and a sombrero. I'm just carrying it in a sombrero. Oh, man. Alright, let's move on to overheards. Now, overheards are these things we do every week. They're things you overhear.

Classic segment. Phil, you know how this goes. In the annals of podcasting. I will say that since you guys started doing it, overheards are like a part of my life. Like, I am walking around cities trying to get overheards. And New York is like, whoo! Overheard. Overheardberg.

Yeah. It wasn't that fun funny it was pretty good the reviews are in and Phil says it's a smash yeah overheardberg that was really good

thank you there's nothing quite as great as your reaction to it Oh, that was really good, dude. Thank you. There's nothing quite as great as your reaction to it. I think that might catch on like a total overheard bird. Like, this city's a real overheard bird. Or a restaurant or something. Yeah, I like it. Anyway, so I'll get it overheard. I'll put it on my phone where I take joke ideas or whatever.

And I'll go like, overheard. I'll put it on my phone where I take joke ideas or whatever. And I'll go like overheard. And then they're just lost. So today I looked at my phone and I have all these notes from the last two years of 20 seconds. And I couldn't find one. But I've made many. But I have one that's decent. But it's not as good as some of them that are in my phone. Understood.

Understood. Here we go. It feels good to get it off my chest. Good to downsell it. Understood, Bert. this guy loves it yeah that was really funny just a side note before we do it

when we drove home from the Blue Bridge Festival two weeks ago or whatever my stomach was so sore I laughed so hard and it wouldn't chant the the handsome the i said yeah we saw a dog that was chewing on a like a rawhide toy and it looked like he was smoking a cigar and i said he was my agent and that his name was it was handsome dog productions was he yeah anyways it just rolled from there oh it went for so long it

was so funny oh but that dog chewing on the ride it, it went for so long. It was so funny. Oh, but that dog chewing on the ride. It did. It looked like he had a giant cigar. Yeah, so regal. Yeah. Regal dog. All right. All right.

Hit it, Phil. Oh, do I go first? Yeah. Okay, so like I said, I have some great ones on my phone. And if you guys want to start tweeting me. This was a decent one. This happened this week, and I knew I was doing the show. There was two gentlemen,

two guys, like teenagers or whatever. It made like early 20s and they were talking and the guy goes, just as I walked by, the one guy goes, Giselle.

And then I goes, who? And he goes, Giselle! That's pretty good. Supermodel. Yeah. Oh, right. How many, there's not many. Supermodel. Yeah. Oh, right.

There's not many famous Giselles. You wouldn't think there's a lot of Giselles that are... It's not a name that would... It's not a super sexy name that would be sold like that. Yeah. Although in Giselle. Bunchkin? Bunchkin.

Bunchkin, yeah. She's a member of the lollipop. There's a lot of hot Bunchkin? Yeah, bunchkin. Bunchkin, yeah. She's a member of the lollipop group. There's a lot of hot bunchkins. Isn't there an animal called a gazelle that lions chase and eat? Gazelle. Isn't that a gazelle? Yeah. Oh, you, John.

Overheard bird. Yeah, I got a clue bird over here. Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine is an overseen. It's some graffiti. Some pretty angry graffiti that I saw the other day while driving to work. It's on Broadway near Carolina, right by Fraser, on the side like a used furniture store that may or may not be called the can

but the in big black letters spray painted on the side of the wall it just said fuck you Justin you know who I am yeah my name's Brittany bitch yeah I thought it might just be someone who like who keeps getting snubbed by this guy like oh have we met oh and that's the side of his apartment yeah yeah you know who i am the person who uh i think nothing will uh remind somebody of who you are quite like well-placed

say it with graffiti i wonder if it was banksy oh yeah did you uh have you ever heard that story about the guy that was living in the like water tower and banksy like painted on the side of it. And then it became like a work of art that people were bidding on. And this guy was like, I was living, I was living here. And then it like, he lost his,

how does hang out Banksy work? Because it's like, he doesn't sign his thing. If you call it work, but like, he doesn't like, I'll see on a blog, like,

Ooh, a new piece by Banksy. But, like, says who? Yeah. Did Banksy tweet? Oh, yeah, that's true. Also, there was, like, some weird installation piece of, like, somebody driving a truck with all these stuffed animals sticking their heads out of the back of it. And they're like, this is part of the Banksy installation.

I was like, what? I don't get it. Yeah, could I make something and just, like, spread a rumor that banksy did it yeah yeah i think so absolutely let's start with that hey justin you know who i am yeah oh that's the thing justin doesn't know who banksy is because nobody does yeah yeah i think people know who is it i think pete johansson was on the show and he said that British people know. Yeah, I think it's... They have a sixth sense. Yeah, it's the same person. The same person who's Jack the Ripper. Everybody knows, yeah.

It's Jack the Ripper's great-great-grandson is Banksy. Isn't... I thought Banksy was a conglomerate of... Or a cooperative or something. It was a bunch of people. Like, there is no Banksy. We're all Banksy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Spartacusacus deep down yeah yeah um now graham do you have an overheard i do actually came from uh last night it was a show uh charlie demers put on as like a fundraiser for a web series a webinar and uh uh sean cullen was the kind of the marquee act and during the set he was uh kind of asking he was doing his set all about superheroes he's talking about batman and and at one point he asked a girl in the front row he said uh hey do you like spider-Man and the way that she answers you, she went, oh yeah. I just thought that was really funny. Yeah. Oh yeah. Do you know who my favorite superhero is?

Nope. I'll tell you mine. Who's after yours? Who's yours? Mine's Flamin' Man. What's that from? From Flamin' Fitness. Oh yeah. Terrible local commercials. There's a fitness place called Flammon? Flammon Fitness.

Flammon. Oh, Flammon. That's the last name? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The Flammon man, you know, gets you off the couch. Does he wear a superhero costume?

Yep, he does. Oh, really? Does he wear a mask? Is it gym themed? Does he wear a towel cape? Yeah, he wears a towel cape. He's got Gatorade launchers on his arm. It's dry fit.

Who's your favorite? Well, now you have a funny one. Mine's semi-serious and my manhood is always questioned when I say it. And I believe we were on the road together once and I brought it up and you ridiculed me Graham what? yeah, like falcon man

oh yeah, it sounds like something I ridiculed you for what's falcon man? oh sorry, hawk man condor man condor man was great well you pointed out he didn't have any powers yeah, he just he's got a cool costume Hawkman. Condor Man. Condor Man was great. Well, you pointed out he didn't have any powers. Yeah, he just... He's got a cool costume.

He does have a cool costume. Wings. What's his affiliation? Green leather pants. Is he a member of Banksy? Yeah. What is it? He was part of the...

League of Justice. Justice League. Is that a DC thing? He's got a cool hat. And there was a Hawk woman. It's not a hat! My parents made me Hawkman and all I got was this stupid hat.

It's a mask that has like feathers on it. And he's got wings. He has wings. It is a cool outfit. He wears like a harness or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah and and he has a kind of a ball on a stick uh that's his weapon egg yeah he's got an egg he's got an egg that he laid yeah because in hawk hawk man the man laid the eggs well uh robin laid an egg yeah

i heard that that was right before the batmobile lost its wheel. And you'll never guess what happened. That was around Christmas time, wasn't it? Joker got away. No, he didn't. Well, Joker... There's one version where Joker took ballet. Oh, I haven't heard that version. He was trying to rehabilitate himself.

Yeah. I looked on my phone. I found another overheard. Socket to us. Most of my overheards are recorded, but this one is... Do you... You know Batman smells, right? I have heard that.

It's because of that rubber suit. He wears Tom's of Maine deodorant. It doesn't work. Real hippie. Batman. Have you ever tried that crystal deodorant? Yeah, yeah. It does something.

It makes you smell worse. Yeah, it's because it's just one of these things. It doesn't work. Like, the science behind it is 100% not a thing. It refracts light. Yeah, oh, absolutely. But it doesn't refract stink. No.

It added, like, a something to my... It didn't smell... Like, it was, like, a real kind of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because what do you do? You wet the crystal and then you rub it on. I mean, you could do that with anything. You just like wet, you know.

I don't think I wet it. I don't think I wet it. You wet a baguette. Do you just rub it on under there? I think a really bad band name would be the wet crystals. Do you ever buy like a deodorant and you realize it's the wrong one and you're stuck with this lump for the rest of your life? Yes. I bought recently.

Well, not recently because deodorant lasts a long time. It does. It's really like a four or five month commitment. Yeah. I bought Original Scent, which I didn't mean to. Speed Stick? Yeah, but now that's my jam. Oh, Speed, do you go deodorant or antiperspirant?

Deodorant. Antiperspirant's got the weird aluminums in it that make you, I don't care if I sweat. What am I protecting? My cool clothes? No. Well, antiperspirant is actually worse for your clothes. Oh, yeah, that's the one that stains your clothes, right? Yeah, stains your clothes.

I mostly just use any kind of rock that I find. Well, your wet baguette idea is so nice. Did you call it fresh bread? Actually, that's not bad. If you just kept a couple premium plus crackers in there and just let them just kind of waft. No, but you think that would have a drying effect, the premium plus. Oh, absolutely. The there? Yeah. And just like, let them just kind of waft. No, but you think that would have a drying effect, Premium Plus. Oh, absolutely.

The salted? Yeah. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. No, it's a horrible idea. Well, no, it's great. Yeah, no, I sometimes get the wrong deodorant. And I keep buying, like, oh, no, yeah, this is Arctic Plus. That's me, yeah.

I get it, and it smells great in the store i put it on and it's like peppers yeah oh arctic do you go for like a funny like a arctic blast or i know it's one of the hawk man yeah i go i don't know what you're asking like a funny named deodorant like no because it's not like it's like deodorant and gum are like the two areas where they're like no we're gonna jazz up the yeah it's not like it's like deodorant and gum are like the two areas where they're like no we're gonna jazz up these it's not like i'm like wearing a funny t-shirt or it's like hey mr personality wearing a funny named deodorant uh but i find is an old spice they got all sorts of funny names yeah now they do yeah uh but uh is that antiperspirant arctic blast i don't know it's

not really arctic blast but it's, um, I wear deodorant. Oh, okay. What do you do? You still on the crystal? Uh, yeah. You still on the crystal? No, yeah. I think currently it's currently, yeah, I would go, uh, I think it's antiperspirant,

but maybe I should get off that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Phil, on the double. Yeah. Okay. I should do a new Breaking Bad where he just makes a crystal deodorant. Yeah. Yeah. But it's the best. Yeah. Yeah. It's the only one that works. Yeah. Phil, on the double. Yeah, okay. They should do a new Breaking Bad where he just makes a crystal the over it. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's the best. Yeah. Yeah. It's the only one that works. Yeah. People in Czechoslovakia really want it. Okay.

Now, you had a second overheard. Oh, yeah. But now I don't know if it... I was in a... And now... And this was... I put this in my phone. I've been really...

I've been preparing to come on this show. This was a hundred... 288 days ago. Okay. Yeah. And I was in a restaurant. And I think it was in a pretent was 288 days ago. Okay. And I was in a restaurant and I think it was in a pretentious restaurant

in Williamsburg, which reminded me of Overherdburg. And a guy, a kind of pretentious guy asked the waiter beside me, how's the sparkling water? Surprisingly flat.

Not good. Chef does not recommend it's opaque yeah it's a little silty um now we have overheards that have been sent into us from around the world if you want to be one of these people, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one follows on the Banksy graffiti theme. This is from Kevin in Minneapolis. He said that your discussion on graffiti reminded me that I saw this. He sent in a photo of it. My favorite graffiti ever. In case you can't see it too well. It's on the side of a building.

And the spray paint just says, where is your god now, wall? Pretty great. Yeah. Arguing with a wall. Yeah, like the wall super religious yeah and it's not on the side of a church either like it's really it's just a store um but pretty great right yeah yeah pretty great all around i agree with that um now this next overheard i don't think we've ever gotten an overheard from this gentleman, but top proprietor, top of the chain at MaximumFun.org, Jesse Thorne, sent us an overheard.

This is from his mom. J-Though. This is on the street. His mom overheard this. A disheveled drunk guy was weaving in the alley talking. was weaving in the alley talking. At first, I thought he was on the phone, but he was saying to himself,

I'm going to go back to college and take some fucking art classes so I can tear this place up. It's like, you know, it's basically, he's having the same conversation with the wall. He's just not ready to say it yet. Yeah, exactly. And like, what's the place he's gonna tear up a wall yeah

or an art gallery gonna tear this place up oh yeah that's a that's a it's just like a very sober plan to like i'm gonna go back to school i'm gonna learn my craft art yeah i'm gonna come back fuck shit up um what's your plan what is my plan yeah for fucking shit up yeah What's your plan? What is my plan? Yeah. For fucking shit up? Yeah. I'm going to keep making my crystal deodorant and getting filled a bite. What's your plan?

I don't know. Are we the kind of guys who want to fuck shit up? I don't know. Do we want to tear this place apart? I want to tear this place a new one. Okay. Yeah, but I don't want to tear it apart. I just want it to have a new one. Okay. Yeah, but I don't want to tear it apart. I just want it to have a new one.

Yeah. Two for the price of one. Yeah, I don't know. Phil, do you want to tear shit up? Oh, are you kidding me? Yeah, what's your plan? I'm going to go back to college. I'm going to go to gun school.

It seems art classes, to tear something up, you wouldn't go art. Like, you think he would take something else to tear. Like, you'd think some type of home restoration or something. But sometimes you have to break things down before you can build them back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Tear down the walls from the inside. Yeah.

Like Rage Against the Machine does with capitalism. Remember when they destroyed capitalism? Yeah, well, congrats. That was crazy. I remember that. Capitalism made a real big comeback, though. Oh, yeah. It's back.

It's like Return of the Jedi. No, Empire Strikes Back. This is like the second movie. And Rage Against the Machine are hiding in their tauntauns. Send you back to your precious tauntauns. Now, this last one. I like this a lot, this Overheard. This is from Douglas R.

This is from SeaWorld in San Diego. Okay. Blackfish. What's that? That's the documentary about... Oh, Shamu. Yeah, Shamu and pals. documentary about oh shamu yeah shamu and pals uh i was at seaworld in san diego without my family standing near the exit gift shops when

i noticed a chubby kid pointing at the gift shop and saying something to his mom or grandmother the mom slash grandmother stops and yells andy all you care about is candy candy andy yeah that's pretty good and that is all kids care about by the way yeah and grown-ups yeah that's true but when a kid says that they love you they're actually it's like they love you because you're the gatekeeper to candy. On Halloween, they love everybody. Yeah. When you were a kid, did you like have a limit placed on like cookies? Like a self-imposed limit?

Like my mother would be like, you can have three cookies. Oh. I think it was a free-for-all at the Hanley household. No, it was definitely like, oh, the cookie jar was like, yeah, you could just go crazy. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did. And look at me now. But, yeah, I think for like, what are we talking

about? Storebots? Oh, well, like, candy. Did you have... I remember we were only allowed to get one thing, a candy, if my parents ever took us to the candy store. Oh, you'd have to pick a candy. But sometimes I would just... My parents would give me bus fare to go to and from school, and I would just go to the candy store and walk home.

Yeah, well, the walk goes by fast when you get some... Yeah, when you get a ring pop. Oh, man, ring pops were just saliva all over your hand that's all that was ring pops uh you know you would buy a candy that you think like this is the biggest bang for my buck right yes like some giant gross thing like uh i'm gonna be sucking on this forever yeah but they were never good, right? Is Ring Pop the most unhygienic candy? Those necklaces were pretty.

Yeah, candy necklaces were gross. Because the string gets soaked. Yeah, the string gets wet. Or people put them on their dirty head. Like you wear it as a headband. Yeah, yeah, when you go jogging. It turns to like a sugar mulch. While you're playing rugby and your competitors are

biting it getting more energy um yeah i feel like yeah sometimes i remember going to like a candy store in banff and like it was like you had to pick pick a candy sponge toffee oh i was a fan yeah it's crazy because it's just like you just have a chunk it's like a giant it's like the crystal deodorant of candy it's a chunk of candy i went to uh there's a candy store downtown candy aisle maybe it's called and i got uh some gummy things and uh as i was leaving she said do you want some sponge toffee like we can't sell this stuff no one's buying it so they gave it to me for free like a big package really yeah wow bonus well i didn't need it i isn't that that's what a crunchy is right yeah inside yeah yeah sponge

sponge toffee it's really that's for kids not if you have dental work sponge toffees off the yeah it's for your for your for your baby teeth if you have dental work, sponge toffees off the menu. Yeah, it's for your baby teeth. What about just the toffee? Do you remember they would just sell the toffee? Macintosh. It was in like a plaid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Macintosh toffee.

That would do a number on the old gum-a-rinos. Yeah. Tootharino's teeth. Anyway. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hey, David Graham. This is Isaac from Ohio.

I have an overheard for you. I was just walking in a parking lot, and I passed a woman on a phone. All I heard her say was, no, that was my ex-husband calling the cops on my 9-year-old. You had it wrong. Thank you. Where was this guy to-ing and fro-ing? There was a lot of fro-ing going on. He's all out of breath.

A lot of doors opening. This is the greatest thing I've ever heard. I've got to call you right away. I'm in great danger. Just hear a siren in the background. Calling the cops on your nine-year-old. Yeah, I mean, have you met a nine-year-old? You want to call the cops on them right away.

I know, but you need to read them their Miranda rights. Yeah, absolutely. It takes a village of reading Miranda rights. And you have to come up with a specific crime that they're committing. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It takes a village of reading Miranda rights. And you have to come up with a specific crime that they're committing. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't just say, this kid's trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to. And you know what? They have to have motive, opportunity. Loot the warrant.

Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, I've never called the cops on a nine-year-old, but I'm not ruling it out. Have you ever called the cops on a person? Have you called the cops? Yeah. You seem like the type. Yeah, I've called the cops many times. Really?

Yeah. I don't know if I've ever. I've never. Uh. Too nervous. Like, when you say call the cops, you mean there's, like, 911. Like, I don't have a direct cop line. Yeah, I have the non-emergency line programmed into my phone just in case I am ever like,

there's a weird looking branch on this tree. It's banging against my window, it's acting like a ghost. But no, I've never called 911. I've called 911, yeah, numerous times. Most recently at a show at the Laugh Gallery where, while Charlie Demers was on stage, there was a gentleman in the audience that had some sort of

attack or fit. Oh, I heard about that. A seizure or a stroke or something. Nobody knew what it was, but,

you know, we called 911 and brought him outside and we found his sister's number in the phone and they called his sister and his sister was like,

cancel the ambulance. Like, I think it uh some reoccurring yeah but it's always the same thing when you call 9-1 you as soon as you do you feel like an idiot like you feel like like you automatically back off when they answer you go i don't know if this is an emergency you clearly know it's an emergency but you're like i don't mean to this is an emergency. You clearly know it's an emergency, but you're like, I don't mean to bother you, 911 operator who's paid to be there. But you do, you feel very silly. I feel like you're tattling. Yeah.

Like, teacher, I don't know if this is the thing, but he just put boogers in his Valentine's box. Yeah. See? I'd call 911. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Here's your next phone call one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Here's your next phone call.

Hi, Dave Graham and guests. This is Julia in Philadelphia. I'm calling with an overheard. I was just walking down the street and I saw this guy pushing a baby carriage and his young daughter was walking next to him. and his young daughter was walking next to him. He had a long, very, very long, faded yellow-white beard. It was pretty metal. It was divided in two.

His daughter was wearing this blue jumper and was skipping along beside him. And she looked up at him and said, Daddy, maybe I can dress up as a sidewalk for Halloween. And he said, as a sidewalk? Really seriously, like, she was really considering it, and it was just great. Yeah, well, I think it's great, first of all, because that's the only kid's going to be dressed like that. It's going to be super charming when the kid explains what they are. You just get a big piece of cardboard, cut out a face hole,

put some gum on it. Oh, gum, good idea. Oh, you know, I'm just spitballing. Yeah, we're working on it. Or is it he was trying to keep her occupied. This call was like mid-September. So what do you think you're going to be for Halloween this year?

And she's just naming everything she sees yeah sidewalk a mailbox i think sidewalk is a solid idea i i yeah i like it a lot because like you show up at a party what are you sidewalk everybody thinks it's great maybe like a handprint or something yeah yeah you know there's all sorts of it's gonna take it all sorts of directions you could just get a giant photo blown up and just stick your face to it oh yeah you could put every sidewalk thing on it uh gum uh handprint uh hopscotch yeah yeah that's pretty good yeah this uh this kid's great and uh chalk outline a dead body i'm imagining you're like a city block It'd be cool to go as a specific city block Like I'm the block between this road and that road And then people are like yeah I get it

I know it That's on my commute That's on my paper route Will you guys dress up for Halloween this year? I want to Every year I want to But I just A. I don't have anywhere to go

So all dressed up Nowhere to go And I just, A, I don't have anywhere to go. So all dressed up, nowhere to go. And I mean, that pretty much stops. There's no more letters after that. A, I have nowhere to go. So what, am I going to dress up and just hang around my house? B, C, A. Are you going to do it?

Do you do that? Is that a thing you do? No, I would like to. I appreciate it. I've had fun dressed up before, but no, it's not. I can't imagine putting the effort in at this point. Also, I think I'm going to be in Norway, and I don't think they matter enough to celebrate Halloween. Or it might be.

Maybe they celebrate it harder than anyone. They could. Did we talk about that we did the show on Halloween in Mississauga? Yes. Did we talk about that on this podcast? I don't think we talked about it. I don't know. We've talked about it off.

How long ago was this? Years ago. Like eight years ago? Six years ago? Something like that. Was it that long? Yeah. And we were in Mississauga on Halloween.

The worst weekend to do comedy. Yeah. And they made us put on costumes. The owners of the comedy club. You may have told this. Yeah. Like Phil put on a vampire cape and I was dressed as an M&M. Yeah. And... Performed for six people. Yeah, like Phil put on a vampire cape and I was dressed as an M&M. Yeah.

And, uh... Performed for six people. Yeah, six people from fucking Transylvania. Transylvania, yeah. And they didn't... They never heard of... They never heard of Dracula. They had no idea of Halloween.

Yeah. They were... That's why they were there. They didn't know any of the traditions. Phil was dressed up like their... Their president. Like their president. Their monarch.

A vote for me is a vote for Blah. Read my lips. Yeah, so anyways, like I remember at one point like asking somebody, where are you guys from? And transylvania and i was like you gotta be kidding me that's like the most halloween place on the planet and they're like what what is yeah well we are practicing our english but i remember going trying to to talk to them more about it and they were they got like really they didn't like to hear about Dracula and stuff like that. It was really, they got touchy. I think it's like when you talk about Mussolini to an Italian person. No, no, don't bring it up.

I shouldn't do that? No. They were very defensive. Yeah. Well, because he was a monster. He was one of history's greatest monsters. I do remember that, though. Yeah.

You snatched up that cape so fast. They presented us with the costume choices. You got the cape so fast. They're like, oh, no, Eminem. What color Eminem were you? Blue. I remember, though. I do remember thinking, oh, this is not a hope.

And then you were more agreeable. And I was like, oh, Graham's going, there's not a hope. I'm not going to. And then you were more agreeable. And I was like, oh, Graham's going to do it. I'll do it. But I remember thinking there wasn't a hope. I was like, absolutely not. And then the next thing I know, I'm sitting beside. Yeah, I get that a lot of Graham agreeing to do things.

I'm very agreeable that they're fun. Yeah. Well, it was fun. You have to admit, that's one of the more memorable gigs yeah it was fun it was fun but i just remember seeing them and the suggestion and it was a miserable weekend because it was halloween was the halloween was the saturday i think so friday no one went out and it was like we played for like the whole weekend like 12 people yeah i remember buying beer and drinking it out in the park yeah. Yeah. Because the beer was so expensive at the club, I was like,

I'll just bring beer and drink it in the parking lot. Yeah, but you jumped on board to the M&M thing, so yeah. Yeah, I did. It's true. But you were wearing a Dracula cape. I don't think that's a bad thing. Yeah, it's a very handsome look. Yeah, it wasn't bad.

I couldn't imagine doing 45 minutes in an M&M thing. Yeah, especially with those hips. Yeah, exactly. Oh, believe me. Here's your final overheard. Dave and Graham, this is Josh with an overheard, certainly an overheard. I work in a sheet metal shop, and I heard one employee talking to another one, and he said hey Adam I wonder

if you could uh where'd you pray for my dad he's got really bad diarrhea after I figured out that he was quite serious I had to just walk away because I was about to burst out laughing and I don't know what he was talking about oh yeah can you just say your dad's not well? Specifically diarrhea. In your prayer, I need you to say this. This is America's funniest prayer request. I mean, he probably doesn't have diarrhea anymore, but... Yeah, yeah.

My kingdom for a nemodium, right? I'd clear that right up. It's not even a prayer. Boy, you're just taking up a lot of prayer time. Yeah. Sheet metal. Is that... As soon as you said sheet metal, I started thinking of 8 Mile.

Is that what Eminem did in that movie? Was he working in a sheet metal factory? Ever since you got his Eminem costume, you can't stop thinking of 8 Mile. Is that what Eminem did in that movie? Was he working in a sheet metal factory? Ever since you got his Eminem costume, you can't stop thinking about Eminem. Yeah, I was dressed as sad Eminem. Blue. He worked in some kind of...

He wore gloves. I feel like I watched a safety video about safety on the job and it took place at a sheet metal factory and somebody lost their finger, just like sliced off because it's like super thin. Oh yeah, I would bet, yeah. I don't know. Was Eminem

having sex with Brittany Murphy in the background? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the foreground. That was 8 Mile. That wasn't a safety video. They just go to safety class and the guy just shows up with a DVD from his collection. Oh, do you guys like... Because we're going to watch it.

Now, what could Eminem have done differently? Now, Phil, this is near the end of the show. Besides going to Oslo, if we've got listeners in Oslo, check out Phil Hanley at the... Oslo Comedy Festival. Absolutely. Where else are you going to be? Or where can people find out more? I will put my...

Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Phil underscore Hanley. I've got to lose the underscore, don't you think? People hate the underscore. Can you just be Phil Hanley? Is there another underscore Hanley. Yep. I got to lose the underscore, don't you think? People hate the underscore. Can you just be Phil Hanley, or is that taken? Is there another Phil Hanley?

There is another Phil Hanley. He lives in San Francisco. He has eight followers, and he's tweeted twice. Why don't you offer him a little... I don't know how to contact him. Twitter. No, but doesn't... Are you one of his eight followers?

No, so if I follow him, then... Just send him an ad, Phil Hanley. Hey, buddy, send me a DM. But then will everyone see it? Like all my Twitter followers? Yeah, that's fine. Will my eight followers see it? Yeah, you do it late at night when they're all in bed.

Everyone's going to talk about it. Everyone's going to make fun of you. Oh, Phil Hanley's trying to contact Phil Hanley. What a rube. But I feel like you can transfer ownership of a twitter handle yeah can especially this dude he doesn't he's not active well oh what was the guy this week uh rogers is a big uh cell phone company in canada and their service went down for a day and rogers doesn't own at rogers just a guy in brooklyn that has at Rogers his name is Roger

or something he's two guys named Roger he got 10 he got 10,000 tweets from people saying like hey fuckwad my cell phone isn't working

that's funny yeah poor guy so at Phil underscore Han yeah coming soon at phil hanley yeah we're gonna i'm gonna yeah i'll tweet them i'll tweet them today all right and you uh that's you tweet where you're doing shows yeah i'll tweet yeah yeah because uh yeah my website is down on my online everywhere every comedian's website is that right at the end of every episode is like yeah i haven't updated it in like a year.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah, Twitter would be good. Yeah. Okay. So, and thanks for being on the show, man. Oh, no, this was super fun. It had been... I remember it was New Year's Eve.

Or New Year's Day. Yeah. The last... Whoa, we did a podcast on New year's day yeah what were we crazy i think we all did a show together the night yeah we had done a laugh gallery yeah cool we talked you had a script you did crowd work and you had a script for uh someone in the crowd to i did and now i do that that's that was the first time i did it now it's like the phone call i do yeah that's a lot of fun. Yeah.

Now, speaking of kind of landmark episodes, the 300th episode is coming up. We're actively accepting suggestions for anything that you might think. We are actively accepting suggestions, but for some reason, whenever someone suggests anything, I get really mad. Yeah. Well, don't worry about it. Dave will get mad. He'll punch a wall. Everything will be fine.

If you have suggestions for what possibly, I mean, we're not necessarily going to do any of them. We might do all of them. But you can send them to spy at maximumfund.org. You can call us if you have an overheard or a drunk dial, 206-339-8328. And why don't you head over to MaximumFun.org check out the blog recap Dave does each and every week photos, videos

relating to the content of the podcast 8 Mile, maybe? Yeah, sure, that Metallica movie other stuff we talked about all sorts of stuff arm crystals arm pit crystals Steven Dorf

that Aosmith video i'll absolutely oh yeah yeah i i want to watch it like right now well we gotta go okay if you like the podcast tell your friends and come back next next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.