Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 296 - Dave Martin

Episode Date: November 19, 2013

Comedian Dave Martin joins us to talk fast food lore, Moneyball, and TLC.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 296 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's, when he drinks his coffee, his glasses get all fogged up and it's just the greatest, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, no, it's a thing. Yeah, it's funny.

Yeah. No, it's a thing. Yeah, it's funny. Also, if I ever do that thing where I'm paying bills, and they're piled up, and I'm all flustered, and I have bangs, and I comedy club at the Yuck Yucks on Cambie Street. The Yuck Yucks. The Yuck Yucks. Very funny comedian and also co-host of the podcast slash serious satellite radio show, Anything Goes. Yeah, I would say it's a radio show first and then it's a podcast. Sure.

It can be both. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 2013. Only because the radio show airs first, and then the podcast is on after the... I get it. It gets released on the iTunes. Ours is a podcast first, and like a motor car second. Yeah, and then a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter.

Your name is Dave Martin. My name is Dave Martin. Thank you for being our guest Hey thank you guys for having me Oh it's a pleasure Yeah here in the city Dave's glasses are fogging up It's the greatest

Well let's get to know us Get to know us So Dave Yes This is your second time Out to Vancouver Well as a performer yes As an adult man performer So, Dave, this is your second time out to Vancouver. Well, as a performer, yes.

As an adult man performer. As an adult man performer. And it's weird. Sometimes you say when people ask you where you visited in the world, sometimes I don't think it counts if you were there as like a 12- or 13-year-old kid or something like that. Oh, I do. Do you really? I double count it. Yeah. 13 year old kid or something like that oh i do i do i double count it yeah well because i've been to portugal before but i was like uh i think i was like 11 with my parents that's sort of when that

yeah like what can you do as as an 11 year old to really say go to the casino yeah yeah in portugal you drive a car yeah what what is the cutoff like when you can go can you go like at 25 but with your parents and it still doesn't count? Well, no, I think at 25 you can be like, hey, I'm going to go off by myself. And your parents are like, no, you're not. No, young man. Yeah, if you're sleeping under our roof, which we brought on vacation with us. Our inflatable roof.

The tent that we set up in our hotel room. This bouncy castle. Yeah, that's a good point, though, because, like to portugal since no i haven't yeah i would i if i was say if i was a at a party or on a date i would say i've been to portugal oh yeah totally prove that i haven't that's that's yeah well if you were the kind of person that dealt with like everything was a uh a challenge like of oh really you don't think i am yeah yeah if you were the kind of person that dealt with everything was a challenge, like, oh, really? You don't think I am? Yeah, yeah.

If you're that confrontational. That's how I look at my life. There's a series of fights that I have to win. Yeah. I must prove that I've been to Portugal to this person. What? I don't think I could. I don't think I can name one Portuguese thing.

Brazil. Colonialism. I can describe Lisbon. That's their big city. There's a few things that I remember about the place. I was drunk for a lot of it. At 11. I was an 11-year-old drunk.

I had a problem. But I could tell someone what it was kind of like to be there, but don't ask me about the nightlife or anything like that. Yeah. Did you like the nightlife? Did you like the boogie? On the disco right now. So this trip to Vancouver, you were here when you were a kid at some point? Oh, yeah.

I think I was – no, I was here a couple times when I was a kid. And then, excuse me, there was a couple times once I did the Yak-Yaks Club, maybe about, I'd say like 2008. When you were 11. Yeah. It was my parents. Yeah. I told my parents I'm going to be featuring at a comedy club. Was it okay if, well, just...

Bring the roof with you. Leave a phone number where we can reach you at, and then we'll be fine. Oh, Mom and Dad. Gosh, Mom. Now, you grown up in Ontario, or... Where are you from? I'm born and raised in Toronto. That's like, I'm one of the few people that I know that can say that if someone was going

to challenge me on it. Why are you getting challenged all the time? No, but it's just, but like most everyone I know is. Do people need to see your papers a lot? He hangs out with a lot of very competitive athletes. A lot of like former KGB people that are like constantly seeing my papers, even during a half-hour period. I have to show them at the beginning and at the end of the conversation for them to be like, Okay, we think we know who you are.

Let's hang out again. So if you were challenged on it, which will never happen. How would you prove you were born and raised in Toronto? And that's a rare thing? Most people are born in Toronto and then sent off to sea. Actually, they're usually knocked over the head and they wake up on a boat somewhere. And now they're

a life of seamanship. No, just in the sense of other comics that I know. After doing stand-up for a while, sadly, most of my friends are comics. And most of those people are from somewhere else that have moved to Toronto.

It's a similar thing in Vancouver, right? But with everyone. Yeah, everybody comes to Vancouver. Right. But there's no... Dave's a long-standing... Yeah, and I mean, if you challenge me on it, I'm going to break your neck. Because you mustn't know my secrets um so uh you're uh do you travel often is this just like is this like a once every couple of years i've asked to come out to vancouver a couple times before but it's just it hasn't just worked out for whatever reason sure i mean you don't make it's just there's too much time off between weekends if you're just doing clubs so you

don't make crazy amounts of money like you maybe you you know once did back in the day and i just hear that about comedy like there was a time when there was people just there's just money everywhere right right but no one really like it wasn't like oh no one retired from it that's true it wasn't like such crazy money that they're not now stuck doing bad shows yeah it's true no it's all it it always used to be better that's what i that's what i'm always reminded of and uh like the last yeah like i was i did a bunch of shows like pete johanssonansson, and we were on the road all the time. And that's just not the case anymore. So it's like as much as I'm working out here, there's also that sense of I got to have a good time.

This is also a vacation, too. Yeah, this is like that time you went to Portugal. Now you can finally take advantage of our Portuguese goods. My mom's not following me around. I can take in that Lisbon nightlife. Are Portuguese buns, is that a thing? Yeah, I think that's a thing. Well, that is a thing.

I don't know if it's... But it's like English muffins. If you go to Britain, there aren't English muffins. I remember there was a... Yeah, what if you asked for a Portuguese bun in Portugal? How dare you? Or an English muffin. I remember...

A trap door would fall open underneath you and you would be... Land on a series of buns. Oh, delicious. In the 90s, there was a campaign. This company, they were called... Oh, what were they? They were like Australian toaster crumpets. And their whole ad campaign was was it's better than those hard

english things it was like we're taking down english muffins which apparently have like what what sector of the bread market does an english muffin have that the australian toaster crumpet is trying to take it now the the problem with the australian toaster yeah iset is trying to take it. No, the problem with the Australian toaster crumpet is that probably a lot of times, especially during the ad campaigns, a lot of people probably pronounced it coaster trumpet. I kept screwing it up. And also, it's weird to have a product

that tells you how to prepare it in the name of the product. Like, this is for a to product. This is for a toast. This is not just... Don't just put butter or jam on this. Don't boil it. Don't throw it in a pot. Don't boil this crumb. It's slow-cooked crumb.

Don't throw it in a Ziploc bag, this pastry, and then boil it like a bag of peas. Australia's only slow-cooked crumb. That's not that rare. I mean, it's a... Toaster strudel is the only thing Or like a microwave dinner It's never a sign of quality

When they tell you They have to specify how to cook it Stove top stuffing That's the exception But how is a Stove top involved In that stuffing prep Don't you have to warm it on a stove top Or can you put it inside the stove But how is a stovetop involved in that stuffing prep?

Don't you have to warm it on a stovetop? Yeah, no, you... Or can you put it inside the stove? Or will it... No, you don't put it in a turkey. It's not that kind of stuffing. You... Oh, you can... Yeah, you just eat it.

You boil water. And then you... You eat it? Yeah, and then you just eat it. You have to get up onto the stovetop. Curl up like a cat Don't you turn it on No, you boil water

In a saucepan Because a woman's having a baby You tear up some blankets Strips We need to swaddle this thing Or make a tourniquet But I just Yeah And mean you add all the bread stuff i've had stuffing but i don't i can't say i've had stovetop stuff i i like it's sort of um

i do most of the cooking in this family this two-person family and uh sometimes when i'm not around to cook i will uh i'll notice or like abby will ask me to to bring home'm not around to cook, I will notice. Or like Abby will ask me to bring home stuff for her to cook for herself. And there was a while when her dinner would be stoned up stuffing. It takes two minutes to make. It's delicious. I've heard that. My friend was telling me that her roommates often just eat sidekicks. What are sidekicks?

They're like... Someone that helps out Chuck Norris in a movie from the late 80s. Yes. It's like a... It's a similar concept. It's like in a bag. It's like, you know, something that you're supposed to put on the side. Oh, right, right, right. It's like Uncle Ben's sidekick.

Yeah, yeah. You have chicken and then that's the whole premise of the product is that it's supposed to be. Yeah. Complimenting. Yeah, yeah. And just somebody just eating them straight. Yeah, I just cooked a bag of shake and bake. I didn't put any chicken in it i just i did i did what it said i shook i made it

well what now uh now there wasn't like there's no warning if you have two sidekicks together at the same time there's nothing happens no sparks like you know with when you're trying to start a car with the car battery thing and the positive and there's no sidekick. Yeah, like don't if you put two sidekicks together. You can have three together because I think they make up, I think there is

a diagram on it. Because it takes a third, it's a circle, cut into three. Like a peace sign. Yeah, three pie pieces. Or actually no, like a Mercedes sign yeah yeah three pie pieces why should know like a Mercedes Benz yeah yeah yeah yeah and I think that it's my logo maybe they're also supposed to only take 20 minutes to make and they're supposed to take about third of your meal I'm not joking this is real yeah but the other

science the other parts of your plate aren't supposed to be two other side kids but but they should. They should have like, this sidekick would go well with this sidekick. Oh, yeah. What pairs well with a dried whatever. I don't know what it is. I don't know what the sidekicks are.

They're pasta. I think they're rice. I've seen the rice and the potatoes and the pasta sidekicks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Potatoes and the pasta sidekicks.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Could you, in like real life sidekicks, could you ever combine like Robin and Ed McMahon? Would they pair up well? Yeah. Because like who would, I feel like, wasn't there like a league of sidekicks? Like it was like Robin was the head of it.

And then there was, I don't know, Crypto the dog. Sure. And just like all the sidekicks, didn't they form a union? They should have like a tavern. Like a bar where all the sidekicks go. Well, like Graham is my sidekick. Yeah. Wait, wait. It'd be funny if they actually had a separate entrance to go into the tavern for sidekicks of just like,

well, they have some bars that are a dog door. Yeah. Sidekicks only. Different bathrooms. This is for sidekicks only. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Water fountains. Separate but equal.

And you were, when you arrived today, you were wearing a pin that was the Joker. So I'm assuming you're a Batman guy? I'm assuming you like chaos. I'm probably more of a Joker fan in theory. And then last night I was having drinks with J.J. Whitehead, who I'm working with this weekend. And then he started asking me very detailed questions about the Joker. And I'm afraid that I didn't know any of the answers. So sadly, I was just sort of like, oh, I like that pin.

I like the Joker in theory. End of story. Right. So I just put it on my jacket, and I didn't think that I would be challenged on it. What was he like? Like, what color is his suit? I don't know. I immediately knew purple.

Why so serious? I don't know. I immediately knew purple. Why so serious? But the music was loud enough that I could just get away with answers like, yeah, oh, that's a good one. Yeah, I like the song. Makes me think of Not the Joker. Sometimes they need a break from the Joker.

That was one of those cases where someone challenged you on something. Well, I played it safe. I was like, okay, I'll give my generic answers. But he was asking me about the graphic novel killing joke. And I know that there's other versions of the Joker. And I feel like I should read up on it. It's not like I'm walking around with a Civil War jacket or something like that that would require more knowledge for me to wear that. Or an astronaut's outfit.

I was like, why would somebody ask you about the Joker if you were wearing a Civil War jacket? But I get it now. But you're not familiar with all the like, they did a version where they reimagined the Civil War. I guess they have. Probably with zombies. A Civil War Batman that has a Civil War Joker that he's against.

Yeah, the only reason that I brought it up is just because we were talking about sidekicks, and I feel like Batman has had a series of Robins that have been killed or whatever. Like, he's very replenishable. There's only one Batman, but the Robins seemingly, there's just an endless line of people

who are willing to do that job. There's a Robin factory. Yeah. Like a school for Robins, yeah. Yeah, like they're, well, and I think they all sign up to be the Batman psychic with the hope that they'll eventually become Batman. Oh, okay. But that never happens. They just die and then another Robin comes in.

So there isn't a place where like Robins sign up here. There's like a long line of people. Look, okay. I confess I don't know that much. I was a long line of people. Look, okay. I confess I don't know that much. I was wearing this Robin pin. You challenged me on it. Does Batman ever eat it? There's a perfectly good Robin here.

It's dead. But I don't know if bats would eat robins to begin with. No, I don't mean it in that way. I'm just like, it's like the ultimate power play. Oh, like after the robins died, he's like, well, we might as well eat it? Yeah, and then the next robin shows up while he's still eating the old robin. Also, yeah, like does Batman even show up to the funerals of these robins? Or is it just like...

They're orphans. They don't get funerals. Ow! Oh! What? Orphans don to the funerals of these robins? Or is it just like... They're orphans. They don't get funerals. Ow! Oh! What? Orphans don't get funerals. Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's, didn't get a funeral. That's right.

That's right! Sad. They just shot him out of a cannon into the ocean. Into a deep fryer. He's served up. Why did they do that? That was way more expensive than a funeral would have been. And what location of Wendy's did they do that at?

Do you think they did it in the parking lot of his favorite Wendy's? No, it was just that year's top earner. Yeah. This is your prize. Yeah. We're going to ruin your restaurant. Yeah. The employee of the month got to light the wick on the cannon that shot him up.

I wonder if, was there a day day did they get a day off like a kfc when colonel sanders died did all the kfc's close for the day yeah a moment of yeah that's probably actually the day that colonel sanders died is the day they put up the nutritional information on their food just and that would be the big warning sign. I remember actually when, I don't know if you guys remember where you were the day that Dave Thomas of Wendy's died. I remember he was alive

and then he wasn't. And then there was a while when they were doing commercials with nobody and now they have Wendy in them. Yeah, but there's two Wendy's. There's the red-headed good-looking Wendy, and then there's the real Wendy, that's right. But there's two Wendy's. Well, there's the red-headed, good-looking Wendy, and then there's the real Wendy, who's like, you know, I mean, she's a bigger, you know, attractive girl, I suppose. But isn't she Dave Thomas's daughter? Yeah, she's Dave Thomas's daughter that was the inspiration for Wendy.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, sorry, no. That's the real Wendy. I don't think of the young, red-headed, you know, spark plug in the commercials. I don't think of her as Wendy. I think of her as Wendy. I think of her as, like, modern Wendy. I dream of Wendy.

Oh, sure. Like, they reimagined the comic strip Wendy. Or Wendy in Sluggo. The comic strip Wendy is just her always suggesting they eat Wendy's. That's the punchline. Have you tried this pretzel bun? Yeah, so, okay. So the two Wendy's.

Yeah, there's, well, yeah. A tale of two Wendy's. Yeah, eventually those two Wendy's will have to fight in a cage somewhere. But the, I don't know. Always with the challenges. Yeah. But yeah, no, I clearly, I still think of her as Wendy, like the new, the spark plug. I think that's i still think of her as wendy the like the new the spark plug i think we're supposed to think of her okay i don't and no

it's not working on you but i remember that i remember the weekend that uh or i remember i was around when dave thomas died i had a week of mourning so i still continue not to go to wendy's for that week but i remember there was like club in Toronto, the Ajax Club, and I remember just going down the street and wanted to get something to eat. And I thought for some reason, oh, you know what, maybe I'll go to Wendy's. And then I expected the employees to have black armbands on. There's no sense of like, you've just lost your leader or anything like that. It was just a regular day of you know square burgers and i wonder if how many wendy's employees if you went on a survey and you said uh who's

dave thomas how many of them would actually know i yeah like it doesn't seem like uh he's he's not like a colonel sanders there's no pictures of him around oh there might still be. It might be like Dave's Club. It's a card that you have to have. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you thinking Dave's Club is like for kids? I feel like it's a card. It's like a card. It's like a Costco that you go to.

Or like a VIP section of a black American Express card. It's like a special one. Yeah. Like the champagne room of Wendy's. I think it's like, I think they still have like, is it an adoption organization? Oh, yeah, because he's. Because he was adopted. Yeah.

And then when he had his children, he put them up for adoption. He's so believed in adoption. He's like, this is what gave me my strength. Was it before he died? Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's, had anyone dipped a fry in a Frosty or was that frowned upon? No, that was his legacy. After he died, it was like, open the envelope. And they were like, oh, we can do this. It was the Da Vinci Code led up to that. Yeah. Big conspiracy. envelope yeah big conspiracy Dave in G code I've read his autobiography really

yeah because I read the autobiography of Ray Kroc I think I read that as well and also there was a guy who was the guy who brought McDonald's to Russia for the first time. And did he also bring Everybody Loves Raymond to Russia? His book was called To Russia With Fries. I feel like I read that when I was a teenager because my dad went to like a speaker's thing and he was the speaker and everybody got a copy of this book. Oh, okay. I thought your dad went to like a speakers thing, and he was the speaker, and everybody got a copy of this book. Oh, okay. I thought your dad went to Wendy's, and they're giving the book out with like a kid's meal. My dad went to Wendy's Con.

But I remember my brothers and I had an ongoing game for years where we would hide to Russia with fries in the other one's room somewhere. we would hide To Russia With Fries in the other one's room somewhere. And then if you discovered it, you would either take a picture of it or something and then hide it. It was great. It went on and on for years. I don't remember all the rules, but To Russia With Fries was an important book. I'm not actually familiar with the dipping your fries in a Frosty. Oh, yeah, that's a thing. It's a thing, man.

Don't challenge him on it. Was it forbidden while Dave was alive? Oh, that's what I was conjecturing. I only heard about it probably ten years ago. How long has he been dead? Not ten years. Oh, boy, has it been that long? Has it been so long? that long yeah um yeah no that's a thing uh that i guess you know bored teenagers looking for a thrill but wendy's fries are pretty

inconsistent like it's good with the salty if the fries come out salty that's good to dip them in a thing but if they're just you know if they're if they're bland it's just a potato and it's just sort of mush well i had uh they they started trying to incorporate the sea salt into the wendy's uh fries which i thought was a uh an innovation yeah absolutely but uh and that was really the only time i think that was the last time i had some wendy's was uh on the coming back from somewhere. And I was like, okay, well, I guess I'll have some. The other two people that I were with loaded up on Wendy's, and I was just like, okay, I'll have some fries. And I was like, oh, these are pretty good.

I didn't feel the need to dip them in something, though. He died. You're missing out. Okay, do you guys want to guess when he died? 2005. I will guess 2009. Wow. You think? 2002. Holy 2002 holy shit oh my goodness that's uh wrong and yet you were like do you guys remember where you were i remember what i did or around the time i know

i know within seven years what year is it now? Is it January of 2002 So almost 2001 He took 9-11 really hard Yeah Do you know how old he was when he died? 80 something 69 He looked like garbage

Well listen He did eat a lot of wendys Yeah He hung a lot of Phenomenal In the kitchen He hung around a lot of wimps. Yeah, he hung a lot in the kitchen. He hung around a lot. He ate out of boredom sometimes. Sometimes you would just grab a handful of burger meat, just eat it straight.

In front of the other employees, too. Raw meat just to intimidate them. He would just sit there with his arms crossed and just stare at the employees. He would point at the burger and go, this is you. I eat it like a madman. He would take a mouthful of hamburger meat, chew it up, and pull it out, and it would be a perfect square. And then he would put it behind his back, and then it would be like just a mushed up ball. He would put a fry in his mouth and tie it in a knot.

But he grew up, or his mentor was colonel sanders i thought it was orphan annie i was gonna say ronald mcdonald the clown not the guy that invented well there's no ronald mcdonald he's not a real guy right ronald mcdonald was well but neither of them were mcdonald's. Ray Kroc and somebody else. A grimace. A series of bad acid trips created all the mascots for... So the origin of the

Hamburglar is quite extraordinary of how it became to be. Actually, it came from bullying. People literally stealing his amber yeah he's uh so he's kind of the joker of their universe i wear a hamburglar pin don't ask me about it have you ever seen complete this phrase robble blank um the original uh ronald mcdonald like the very first incarnation of him

was he was muscular he was really jacked and all he talked about was films he was a screamo dude no he was all he had like a hamburger box

on his head and like a cup for a nose. It's crazy. Fry fingers. It's like the Elephant Man. It's like John Merrick. His ribs were McRibs. He's crying pickles. He's like a Salvador Dali pig.

It's just a nightmare. It's like this ad busters magazine writes itself. But there is a very funny photo of the original Ronald McDonald. Then I had to introduce, not like I had to, it was like my moral duty to introduce people to the Fry Guys. Do you remember those weird sort of, they look like mop tops? Pompoms. Yeah, and like those dreadlocks they had. But they didn't have any...

I don't think they had arms. Did they have eyeballs? They did have googly eyes. But they didn't... I don't think they had arms. But they had legs. And I think they had shoes. They knew how to use them.

What were the Fry Guys? Well, I want to say... I want to say they were Fry Guys fry guys i just don't know what else they didn't know i don't know what else they were they were just but they were they were red yellow and blue which is sort of like i i understood the the yellow part because that's the color of a fry yeah uh but the red and the blue part i yeah i didn't really understand well and uh yeah like wasn't there also like little birdie and little hamburger guys with oh yeah yeah that were like just around burger guys no one

no one ever asked where their parents yeah that's a weird yeah exactly who's looking after the clearly they're not adults but yeah it was a weird sort of like... Yeah, they're like baby hamburgers. But like, it's just the world of it, with Ronald McDonald walking around, and he's the only one who's not a puppet. Or in some foam rubber suit. He's the only one with, you know, there's a layer of

makeup on it, but there's skin there. Yeah, and he also... Like, they ate hamburgers? But also there was a mayor that was a hamburger, and also a police officer that both had hamburger heads, and then there were these baby hamburgers, and then, like, plants that had hamburgers in them. Would you be okay with eating something that looked like your face? Like, are we talking about, like, if somebody would make a macaroni and cheese, but it's, like, sculpted to look like my face?

I'm thinking with beard or without beard. Yeah, that would be good. Or maybe like ramen noodles. Yeah, a hard-boiled egg with some cotton candy for a beard. Yeah, that sounds delicious. Of course they would eat that. Are you kidding?

I couldn't stop eating that. You'd have to drag me away from it. Yeah. Two cops on either side pulling me away from the table. And then was there a fish sandwich? He was Catholic. But isn't there...

There was something that represented the... Was there a fish mascot? The fillet of fish? Yeah, there was something that represented... Because Birdie represented the breakfast menu. Oh, because she's an early bird. Grimace was... He was shakes.

That was his thing. When he started out... He was a taste bud. Yeah. But he was this blob and he had six hands in the original incarnation and he stole milkshakes. And then they brought on that Hamburglar and they were like, what, is everybody just stealing everything? Grimace is going to be something else. The Hamburglar is going to be...

It sounds like Australia at the beginning of all the criminals just went straight to McDonaldland. Yeah. McDonaldland was the early or the post symbol of Australia. Yeah. McDonaldland was a penal colony. I didn't even know that Grimace stole stuff. That was his original character.

And then they changed it into a guy who just laughs all the time. That's a smooth transition yeah they had like a mcdonald's scared straight program and then you don't steal do you guys go to mcdonald's ever no uh no when you were a kid what did you get uh hamburger hamburger i remember having a quarter pounder i remember having a quarter pounder. I remember having a quarter pounder again with my folks at 11. What do they call a quarter pounder in Portugal?

I'm not allowed to say. I clearly remember my mom saying to me, now that, do you know why they call that a quarter pounder? Of course, no. Because it's a quarter pounder? Of course, no. Because it's a quarter pound of beef. And I thought, well, okay. Well done.

Yeah, fuck it. But actually, I do remember, I think now, I think you can't even, you have to ask, I want a quarter pounder without the cheese. But I remember when it was a quarter pounder just on its own or a quarter pounder with cheese. I think now it's automatically a quarter pounder with cheese. I used to get the cookies. Oh yeah. Do you like cookies? No, no, no. Well then they have cookies with beef. You know when they would keep the hot side hot on the cookie and the cold side cold?

The McDLT cookie? The MCOOK. I have coffee at McDonald's. I don't eat their food anymore. But that's coffee. I read a thing about, I read this online article about the McRib, which is back at the moment. Yeah. Congratulations.

It was about the economics of the McRib. And it was written by someone who was like, first off, I'm no economist. But they like had this chart of when they do the McRib, and they don't... There's no fast food restaurant that permanently has a pork offering. Oh, it's because it's expensive? More expensive than meat? Well, they only... They showed a chart of the price of it, and every time the price is at rock bottom, of

pork is at rock bottom, is when they make the McRib. So it's always in November for some reason. Why wouldn't they? Well, I guess why would they release that information to the public of saying that the only reason why this is coming out now? Well, they don't even say. It just appears. Like, it's not like, hey, coming soon, the McRib. Oh, it's that time of year, the McRib.

It just appears one day, and then one day you walk in and it's gone. But couldn't the McRib just be like a mishmash of all sorts of animals and nobody would know, right? It could be like a bologna, isn't it? Oh, yeah. No, it's heavily guarded. It's an industry secret. Nicolas Cage is looking for the secrets of the... It's like a national treasure, but of fast food ingredients. Didn't they do a chemical analysis of what the sauce was in a Big Mac?

It was just Thousand Island dressing. Chemical analysis. What I like to do is I like to dip my McRib in a McFlurry. That's not allowed. There was also a scientist character and a captain character. In McDonald's? Yeah, in the McDonald's world.

The captain character might have been the foil fish guy. Oh, that makes no sense. What was the scientist? Just additives? He was locked out of the room. They didn't let him in in he was always banging on the door to get inside i'm a scientist let me get your food he was just like the pies or something like they're like whatever's left you will be the pies who will represent my pies that's the guy in the lab coat yeah but burger king they've only had one mascot haven they? It's just the king, the guy with the giant king.

Yeah, and they had to get rid of it because people were getting too aroused. Well, you never asked why this king was so happy all the time. It's just he had that permanent grin on him. Yeah. And it's weird because you would think that's like that would lend itself to a whole world. The kingdom. The Burger King. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, do you remember when we hosted that um uh uh advertising show could i forget we hosted an award ceremony for local advertising and we talked to a guy yeah i think he's probably he's a listener oh hi hello hey how's it going uh and we asked him uh so like in the advertising community what what's like the big thing what what do advertising people think is a great campaign and he was like that uh that burger king guy with the the crazy mask and we're like that is the worst that's the very worst thing well let's say that if you saw that guy like out in public and not necessarily in his with his wearing his king hat but just that expression on his face you would it wouldn't be like oh want to follow that guy, or where's that guy going? It would be like, oh, he's going to stab.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on like a crazy meth binge or something like that. He looks a little like the Guy Fawkes mask. From Diners Drive-Ins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the guy I'm talking about. Or the Scream mask. Do you know, I read a, there's like a book out now about all the Food Network stars.

And I was at Chapters and I just read the chapter on Guy Fieri. Fieri? He's, I guess he's like a real creep. What? Yeah. I know. I know. No.

Yeah. He went into a restaurant at one point, and the owners were a gay couple. Oh, I heard this. Yeah, and he said to his producers, like, hey, you can't just throw me in there. You got to give me some heads up on this. He was scared that he was going to, I don't know what he thought he was going to do. He couldn't have been scared they were going to hit on him. He's repulsive.

He must know he's the most repulsive man in America. He was probably like, well, no woman has hit on him he's repulsive he must know he's like the most repulsive man in america he was probably like well no woman has hit on me yeah so i must i must be gay candy i must appeal to someone is that a thing it is now that's actually what they were making at the restaurant yeah the restaurant should have tipped him off yeah it's called gay candy so what do you guys he should have known? It has a big picture of Guy Fieri's face on it. He's well known in the gay candy community. He's a Malteser.

He's a nice crunchy malt covered in chocolate. Yeah. Gross. Totes. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, last week on the show, as I was editing it, I thought this was funny because I had been sick with a cold for about a week when we recorded that show. And then you on the show, you said, oh, well, you don't look like you've been sick.

And then the next morning, I felt awful. Oh, no. And I had a flu. And I felt like I hung over. And I was all confused about what was happening. And then the next few days, I felt like garbage. And that last weekend, it was a long weekend. And I spent the entire weekend in bed.

Oh, no. Actually, the Saturday, I was well enough that I could wear know be wear clothes and get up yeah did it hurt to wear clothes before so jagged bristly i just mean later i was in pajamas yeah okay uh but on so saturday i was like Pajamas. Yeah. Okay. But on, so Saturday I was like super sick and I was in the living room and that's the only room where we have Netflix on the TV. Oh, yeah.

And I was going through Netflix and I'm like, I just want to, you know, lie here and watch something. And I was like, oh, there's a bunch of things. Oh, do I want to try something new? No, I'll just watch Moneyball again. So I watched Moneyball and it's great mm-hmm and then change since the last time you watched and then the next one has it gotten better the next morning I woke up at 5 in the morning with a

splitting headache and like too much moneyball and couldn't couldn't function at all and I was like like I was waiting for Abby to wake up just so she could go and bring me saltines. Did you kind of pinch her nose to kind of go, are you up? I believe the moment she woke up, I said, take care of me. But anyway, I was stuck in bed all day. I couldn't even go to the living room. So I'm in bed. We have TV, but just cable.

No Netflix or anything. I'm flipping through the channels. Moneyball. Dare I? So I watched Moneyball again. Great again. And then the next day, I was going. I'm going to guess.

Okay. Moneyball? I bought the book Moneyball. Did it have a surprise ending that was different? I'm not there yet. Oh, okay. The beginning's different. Bruce Willis is a ghost. Yep.

I don't even remember him being in Moneyball. Well, in the book, he's in the book. Bruce Willis is dead in Moneyball the book. Crazy book. Crazy book. Do you feel better now? Yeah. As of a couple days ago.

Although, as soon as I kind of got over the flu, the next day I started coughing and I was like, oh, great. Now a cold. It was cold, flu, cold. But I don't, I'm not certain I'm getting a cold again but I love lying down yeah

are saltines your favorite is that your cracker of choice? oh no my cracker of choice probably a Ritz really? yeah I'm a big Ritz guy a saltine is good like a premium plus is good when you can't eat food.

Yeah. What's your favorite sick food? Oh, my favorite sick food. Well, I mean, well, cracker wise, I think Triscuits is probably my favorite of all. That's a hearty cracker. Yeah, it's a little jagged. But it is jagged, but it's, I believe in my opinion, it's the only cracker you can microwave with a cheese on top of it.

Because Ritz, you can't. I only microwave Triscuits. The ones that specifically say it's a hummus. Toaster Triscuits. Now for the microwave. But you're right. They are, like, they're substantive. They're absorbent, and you could put, like...

They're woven. They're the woven wheat. It's my favorite woven wheat. They make them on an island off of Ireland. Well, and also they have the rosemary and olive oil, and then they have the cracked pepper. Whoa. So there's a variety of new Triscuits that have just come out. Yeah.

I'm excited about it. Yeah. Oh, 2030 is a very exciting year. It's the year of the Triscuit. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to the spring-summer collection the McRib of Triscuit yeah that's what I'm waiting the Triscuit resort collection so you like a Triscuit

when you're sick or this is just although that's a year cracker it's just a this is just we call our as cracker talk. I mean, it doesn't get more. More crackery? But I would debate your love of Ritz. I don't approve of Ritz. Oh, you don't approve of Ritz? No, no, I approve of Ritz. I'm so devoted to Triscuits that I can't wrap my head around a Ritz.

Here's what I like about Ritz. You know what we need to do? Challenge this motherfucker. Let's throw down. Ritz, I think, is the only cracker that reminds you what cracker you're eating. You know what we need to do? Challenge this motherfucker. Let's throw down. Ritz, I think, is the only cracker that reminds you what cracker you're eating. Because it's got the name written right on it. So it's like the... To me, it's like the most...

How often do you forget mid-cracker? Well, when I go on a cracker binge, I don't even know myself. I just... Where do I stop and the cracker begins? But there's, like... I don't even know myself. I just, where do I stop and the cracker begins? But there's, like, I don't even really eat crackers. If I have a box of them, I will eat the entire box within an hour. Okay, I won't. It's like Elton John and cocaine, but with you and crackers.

Yeah, yeah. Like, if I go to a party and there's a giant mirror with crackers on it, I will just pick it up and run it off. Say, hey, those Triscuits are for everyone. Nuh-uh. I probably throw away more crackers than I eat because I buy a pack of crackers, eat four when I'm sick, and then put them back in the package,

and then eight months later, I'm like, I don't remember buying these. I probably belong to the silverfish now. You just flush them down the toilet. Like the cops are banging on your door. I have a garbage disposal in my toilet. It's pretty convenient. Toilets are probably the first garbage disposal.

Yeah, they were nature's garbage disposal. I think nature is its own garbage disposal. No, nature is sort of like... Nature's kind of a hoarder. For a second there, I was outside of my body when I was looking for a simile. But I'm trying to think of a good sick food. Soup? Yeah.

I like a Dr. Pepper. Oh, I like a ginger ale. Oh, I would prefer the ginger ale, but now I've got to stick to the diet ginger ales, too. I just find that the real ginger ale is too much for me. Fair enough. We're all getting old. We didn't have ginger ale the first day I was feeling sick, but we did have ginger and club soda. And you had some pale ale.

And I literally chopped up ginger and put it in club soda. How bad was it? It was fine. I just did a shot. You're still here. So yeah, I've been it didn't work Yeah, I felt like oh, yeah chunks of ginger floating around in my bubbly stomach. Yeah But I just find actually and I well just cuz I clearly remember When they started to have when they started to put the nutritional information on the side of a can of soda. And I think everybody knew that there was a lot of sugar in a can of Coke.

But no one ever knew there was like 38 grams of sugar in a can of Coke. I can't fathom what that is. Like, I look at the nutritional stuff and I'm like, I don't understand. I know that Diet coke is just one calorie because whitney houston told me that well just for the taste of it diet coke the like a hunt what is a can of coke a hundred calories a thousand calories it's not i think Dave Thomas died at 69 The Yeah like I just The only thing that I can put it in perspective

Is that Channing Tatum said he was on a 400 calorie a day diet Oh okay So you can only have 4 cans of coke And then that's it That's your whole day But he's got a six pack He needs 2 more cans of coke To then that's it. That's your whole day. But he's got a six pack. He needs two more cans of coke.

To make the set complete. Yeah. I clearly remember and now it's just like to drink a can of sugar pop. I would just feel so guilty just drinking it. Just literally knowing that I'm just drinking sugar. Yeah, but sometimes you feel great

when you do it. You've accomplished something. It's your cheat day. Every day is my cheat day. Which only applies to diets, not relationships. Oh, I don't know. Abby and I have a list of celebrities. Oh, I don't know.

Cheat days? Abby and I have a list of celebrities we're allowed to have sex with. And all of yours are dead. All of the celebrities. One of them is a can of coke one's a dancing pepsi can animatronic one of them's grimace no one you know there was uh there were no women there were no women in mcdonald land really is there one birdie birdie well what was birdie, though? Was he a bird? She. She.

Okay, I'm unfamiliar with Birdie. Birdie was a pigtailed bird. She represented, apparently, breakfast food. I don't know why she didn't represent McNuggets. Oh, because it's just too horrible. You know? Like, she's what in a McNugget? Yeah, that didn't stop all the burger-headed...

I don't know what the burger heads represented they didn't I don't think they had affiliate you think there's like some kind of like George Orwell symbolism like animal farm yeah for communism and and so like birdie represents you know the proletariat if there is If there is, it hasn't been made clear to us yet. It's like, clearly, like, the pig that was Napoleon was, okay, well, that's, we know what he's supposed to be all about. When Dave Thomas comes back from the grave, all will be revealed. Yeah, oh, man.

Just is waiting on it. Just waiting on it. Any year now. Come on, Dave. We've been waiting 11 years yeah i know it seems like four or four according to me yeah that clearly remembers where he was when dave thomas died uh graham what's up with you um oh i uh on a similar notion of just watching a thing. Somebody online posted a clip from a show.

I think it's the Wendy Williams show. Is she the redhead from the commercials? Yep. And they do frosty talk. They had a lady on who I guess was the founding like manager of the uh pop group tlc okay and she was neither tl nor c no sure her name is pebbles all right and she she like put the group together and she was on to defend herself against a movie that had just come out about tlc that made her look like a monster. What was the name of the movie?

Crazy Sexy Cool, which was a VH1 movie. And so I watched this interview, and I was like, how bad of a representation did they do? So I hunted down the movie and watched it. They do. They make her look like Cruella de Vil. It's crazy. She had a coat made up of other members of TLC. It's so, like, such a hatchet job.

And apparently the day that it came out, VH1 sent her legal documents saying like, oh, this is not a factual movie. This is a fictionalized version. She was like, it doesn't say that anywhere, but this legal document. My name is in it. Yeah, so

Yeah, so I watched the movie is so crazy. It's so and and it's sexy. It was pretty sexy. I don't know how cool was How sexy was it really? Really say okay. I'll watch it was it so crazy that it just might work But yeah, yeah, so the lot, a lot of it was that. It's also so sexy. I was always one of my favorite plans. I always remember that clearly on Gilligan's Island that Gilligan would always come up with an idea and the professor would always say, you know what, that is so crazy it just might work. That's how a lot of lab work gets done.

They're just like, well, it does sound pretty crazy. Let's try it. Well, that didn't work. It was mostly just crazy yeah yeah the ratio of crazy to genuine logic was not the ratio of crazy to working was way up that's so crazy it just might work that usually means i don't care yeah yeah i'm trying to get fired let's let's stay on the island um but uh it's one of these uh this movie is like all of those uh biopics biopic biopic thank you no um uh but like uh you know walk the line and ray yeah they have these hallmarks where they kind of they have to hit these certain points in the career. And it's always super clunky the way that they do it.

And there's always cameos by actors playing other famous characters from the era. Sally Aerie. Hanging out with TLC. Well, there's one scene where they burst into the office to demand a look at their contract. They burst into the head of the record company's office. And the guy that's having the meeting with the head of the company, they say, excuse us, Puff, right? Just to let you know. And then when they show the actor, I mean, he doesn't have any lines.

They could have just found a Puff impersonator. It couldn't look less like... Sure, it was a white bald guy. He wore Ronald McDonald makeup on him. They must have thrown in that line at the last second to be like, I don't think people are going to know who this guy is. He also got a letter saying that this is completely fictional. The Puff in question is the magic dragon.

Anyways, it's worth checking out. I strongly endorse it. I don't know if I heard this right, but the person in the movie who plays Lisa Left Eye Lopez has now joined TLC. No. What? You know what? Challenging? I feel like I want to challenge you.

You want to challenge? Do you want to phone a friend? Oh, yeah. And then, speaking of phone a friend, I went on a real watching clips of old things of TLC on television. And Lisa Lopez was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? old things of TLC on television and Lisa Lopez was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And her talking to Regis, Regis trying to figure out what the fuck she is or does

is the greatest. It is the greatest. She was the one who wore a condom eye patch. Yeah. Oh, pardon me? I didn't really? I didn't know that. I didn't follow them.

Well, she wore an eye patch sometime and sometimes she had a thing under her eye, like a football player. Paint. Was it a condom in the package still? Yeah. Okay. It wasn't used.

Like googly eyes. Was it like a soiled condom? It was just like, hey, you know that thing you got dangling from your face? Oh, why didn't you guys tell me? I didn't intend for that to be there. Oh. Yeah. I just walked in in a windstorm. She had that because

I don't know where the name left eye came from. I do. It's in the interview with her. Did she lose an eye? No, just somebody paid her a compliment and said like You've got one pretty eye. You got a great left eye and she was like i'm gonna call myself left um she apparently the reason she wore a condom in the eye

i remember when you were just a condom in your father's eye she um one of her bandmates either t or c yeah ioz or Chili. Yeah, one of those two. They got pregnant and had an abortion. And then to like, hey, remember the time you had that abortion?

I'm going to wear a condom all the time to remind you. They were very uh when they first came out that was their big thing like condoms condoms condoms oh yeah they were the condom supergirl group oh yeah that was i mean all music at the time was yeah it's true well was was the condom eye patch was that supposed to be like a pleasant reminder of her abortion i don't know enough detail but remember this reminder i don't know like was she trying to be like a pleasant reminder of her abortion? I don't know enough detail, but remember this. A pleasant reminder.

I don't know. Was she trying to be vindictive of like, hey, every time you see this. It does seem to bring that up under any circumstances, let alone wear it on your face. It seems sort of like, hey, we're friends, but you remember this thing? I don't want you to go a moment without remembering it. They glaze over that part of why they... There's just a scene where they buy a bunch of condoms. And then you're like, guys, write it out.

You know? Figure out what's interesting about that. Or why, you know, like that. Great conflict. Great drama there. But, yeah, the abortions in the movie. Does Left Eye burn down her boyfriend's house? Yeah, that's great.

That's quite an accomplishment, though, too. I mean, it was a big house. It was a big house. And she knew she must have taken some arson lessons in school or something like that. Because I wouldn't even, if I had to burn down a house, I wouldn't know where to start by the curtains. Well, this is the thing. What she did was she comes home and

her boyfriend at the time Andre Rison of Atlanta Falcons. He was always stepping out. Okay. And she came home and she had been out with friends and she was really drunk and there was all these shoes that he had like brand new runners and there were no runners in her size. So she thought like this guy just went and bought himself a bunch of shoes.

So she lit the shoes on fire and threw them in the bathtub, which turned out to be made of fiberglass, which melted through the floor. And the whole house just went up like in 10 minutes. Like the whole house was just up like in ten minutes. Like the whole house was just Wow. She had a stopwatch outside of her. By the time

the fire trucks came she was like look at guys. She was this and this is how it goes in the it's not in the movie but like I said

I did my research afterwards. I feel like I should have been a consultant on this TLC film. So she goes to a correctional facility because she burned down this guy's house. Orange is the New Black. Yeah. And as soon as she got out, she recruited people she had met in the halfway house.

And that's when they stormed the record label, all with guns and stuff stuff to meet the head of the record label to get there. Hey, Puff. Yeah. Sorry, Puff. Pardon me, Mr. Presley. Yeah. Excuse me, Notorious B.I.G.

Anyways, a strong recommendation to watch this film. Okay. It's like in the Jerry Lee Lewis movie, The Great Balls of Fire. Yeah. There's a scene in that

where I guess they're at the Sun Studios and I guess Elvis is going off to the army or something like that. We're never told that it's Elvis, but he just turns to Jerry and goes, take it, man. Take it all. And then we're all, I guess. And then I kind of remember being in the movie theater and then someone yelling out, who's that supposed to be? And we're all like, oh, I need more context clues. And then the Elvis character, I don't know if this was supposed to be. I imagine it was supposed to be an attempted humor in the Walk the Line movie where Elvis is backstage eating chili fries, and he's watching June Carter on stage,

and he's like, hey, that's June Carter. And then in a weird moment, he kind of offers Johnny Cash, do you want some chili fries? And Johnny Cash is, no, no, no, and he walks away. He eats a handful of pills. Yeah, exactly. Sits on a toilet. Puts on a jumpsuit. Just going through his entire career

in one scene. Foreshadowing. It's called Foreshadowing. And then there's the other scene. Just gets everything wrong. Starts singing Paul Simon's Graceland. Who's the consultant on this movie? He puts on a feather boa. Was it a thing he did? Lion Elvis's. Diamond's Graceland. Who's the consultant on this movie?

Yeah, he puts on a feather boa. What? Was it a thing he did? Lion Elvis's. He goes to Las Vegas. And before it's actually been built to what it is now. Actually, there's a scene, I think, because they're driving to a gig, and Johnny Cash is in one car, and there's some of the members of Johnny Cash's band in the other car with Elvis. And Buddy Holly, the big bopper,

and Richie Valens are in one car, swerving, Puff Daddy was driving. There's a plane that flies over. The Red Baron. Patsy Cline's with the Red Baron. She blows up into the side of a... Oh, right, and then one of Johnny Cash's bandmates, as Johnny Cash is walking by,

he goes, hey, how's it going? And then the bandmate goes, man, that Elvis, he sure does talk a lot about poon. And you're kind of like, oh, man, why weren't we in that car for the movie? Why do we hear him talking about chili fries? But then it'd be really weird if Elvis held up a thing of chili fries. Hey, do you want some poon? That was before TED Talks. You had to get in a car with some guy.

Here's thoughts on poon. Poon and chili fries. Thank God Elvis stuck with the music. If he went off and he just did some motivational speaking about poon. The world might have been a very different time. I don't think people need a lot of motivation. When it comes to poon and chili fries. Oh, Lordy.

Well, should we move on to some business? Yeah! Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house.

You gotta do some more. Take care of beers in the house. This is shine your shoes, you gotta sweep the floor, you gotta clean your house, you gotta do some more. Take care of beers in the house. This is Cameron Esposito. I'm Rhea Butcher. This is Ricky Carmona. And we have a great action and sci-fi movie podcast. That's right, great. On the Maximum Fun Network. It is called Wham! Bam! Pow! Every week we review

an amazing movie about blow-em-ups. Smash-em-ups. Smash-em-ups. We call it a dick flick. Yeah, we do. And you can tune in to the movies on Netflix Watch Instant.

Maybe they're in theaters. It's going to change your life. Damn! You can subscribe on iTunes or listen at MaximumFun.org. Business. Now, we've got a couple... Messages on the Jumbotron.

I like how we can finish each other. To other sentences. Now, we've got one kind of like a business-y... I think I'll talk about a business-y kind of thing here. And we also have a birthday greeting. If you would like to get a message on the Jumbotraw, then go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotraw. Now, this first one comes from,

this is a book that's coming out on Amazon.com. Have you heard of this website? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got it all. The log line here is, do you like proms? Yes. Yeah, of course. Best night of my life.

Do you like zombies? Yes. Best night of my life. By Prombies, a novel of the 90s on Amazon.com. It has way too much oingo boingo. There can't be, right? That's an impossible amount. Yeah.

Every amount is good for me. Every page of this book starts with Oingo, ends with Boingo. It's kind of a love triangle set at a prom in 1994. Oh, but there's zombies! Basically, it goes like this. in 1994. Oh, but they're zombies! It basically goes like this. Elizabeth is in love with Andy. Andy is in love with Rachel. Rachel isn't sure who she loves.

And this May, 1994, it won't fucking matter. Why? I just said all that in like five words. I know, but this is... I'm like... I like getting into it. I like getting into the details.

Yeah. The firmament. I'm tightening it up. I'm loosening it up. This is a book written by a longtime bumper of the show. It's a romantic horror comedy. When is it set? 1994.

What's the Oingo Boingo content? More than too much So Pick up Prombies, a novel of the 90s At Amazon.com It's available As a real book?

Yeah, on paperback and Kindle And also we have a birthday greeting This is from Michelle, this is from Michelle and this is from your sister Stacy who says happy birthday. I've been thankful every day for the last quarter of a century to have you as a sister.

Enjoy being so young and remember that when you've got a problem just throw some hay on it and go out. Love you. That seems like some real farmer wisdom. Yeah. Just throw some hay on it. It's. Love you. Ah, that seems like some real farmer wisdom. Yeah. Just throw some hay on it. It's in the almanac.

Hey, Graham. Yeah? Do you want to move on to Ove? Uh, Erds. This is Biz. This is Teresa. We host a show called One Bad Mother. We're a comedy podcast about parenting.

Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids. Weird. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like shit for being a mom. Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no

children. Find us on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Overheard. Now, with Overheards, this is a segment of the show where... No, Graham? Nope. Okay.

Where we go out, we go out in the world, we listen, we see... We learn. We learn. We love. And we always like to start with the guest. If you want to lead the charge... Okay.

Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm kind of digging into my past for this one. This is great. This is perfect. For about maybe a month or two, maybe even two months, I worked at an office furniture moving place. And it was a warehouse office furniture moving sort of effort. I worked in a similar.

Yeah. And so we worked in a lot of dusty environments, and they were like, I was going to say, they're filthy, they're dirty, they're offices. But it was very dusty. And so one day after the shift, and all the guys I worked with, they were nice guys. They were good people. And so one day after the shift, because this one place that we were at was particularly dusty, I overheard one of the guys that I was working with. He said, oh, man, later on tonight, I'm going to be shooting the darkies out of my nose.

Gross. Wow. It's vaguely nose. Gross. Wow. It's vaguely racist. Yeah. Kind of, but he kind of said it in such a way that it was sort of like, I don't, I think it's literally. He doesn't mean it that way. He's literally talking about his snot is going to be particularly dark

because of the dust that was in the air. He was just trying to create conversation. Now you go. what are you going to shoot out of your nose oh uh frozen peas yeah yeah i do that every night a toy a toy truck tick-tocks that was but that was i i just and it was one of those things that you kind of didn't want just like okay well i guess you will be doing that i did not uh i did not challenge him on that i don't believe you it wasn't anything like that i did not uh i did not challenge him on that i don't believe you it wasn't anything like that i was just like it didn't happen you had a good time

shooting whatever you want out of your nose i uh i kind of miss in it like i i uh i like helping people move i kind of miss moving that's crazy no i don't know i like it you're true you truly do like you volunteer yeah i do i know and i liked your when i worked as a mover i liked it it's weird because uh it's not a it's a job that people often when they look back they're like oh i can't believe i'm so glad i'm not doing that right but i look back on it with like an odd fondness that i don't for like other past jobs right yeah but i so you don't uh you don't catch yourself walking past like a moving truck now

and someone's moving things from their house into the truck and you feel like, hey, you guys need any help? I have done that. You have? It'd be funny if you actually just said, we're like, oh, I'll help you out. And then you go into their house, grab a box and just run off. Or if you... Say goodbye to your remotes.

Or if you go to help people and you mistakenly help robbers. Exactly. It is cold out. I can see why you guys are wearing those felt clothes. Well, I don't know why you would. And you're working so fast and at night, too. But yeah, there's something about the moving job because you work in these spurts, and then you're just in the truck listening to talk radio. And you can see the value of your work right in front of you.

Oh, that was there, and now it's here because I moved it. And it's very finite. It's finished. Right, exactly. And you're also getting... Oh, it's never finished. There's always more stuff to move.

Every mover is secretly in their heart. They're looking for that last move. It's like a good chess game. It's like that last... Put it in one box... That was my last box. And then he dies. I'm one box away from retirement. Dave?

Overheard? I've been real sick last week, been stuck inside. But I did find one. I hope I haven't used this before. It was on my phone. And it was just a vanity plate that was on a pickup truck. And I guess this pickup, the guy driving the pickup truck,

not too concerned with fuel economy. And the vanity plate just read, MPG LOL. Pretty good. Yeah. He doesn't care. Yeah. Also, it wasn't like it was an enormous pickup truck.

He was just like, it was like a pretty compact pickup truck. But he was just making a statement like, I give a shit. Yeah. Yeah. I'll spend a hundred bucks on a vanity plate. I was just saying, it's always funny when people put LOL at the end of a sentence and you're clearly like, I don't think that deserved a laugh out loud.

I put LOLs in the middle of a sentence. But it almost said like, there was like one person that I didn't think that deserved a laugh out loud. I put LOLs in the middle of a sentence. But it almost said, like, there was, like, one person that I didn't really know very well at all on Facebook, but she just started messaging me constantly back and forth, and she would literally put LOL almost at the end of every sentence to the point where she just started sounding like a mad, crazy villain. She was the Joker. Yeah. She just tied someone to some railroad track somewhere and was like,

I've got the deed to the ranch. You know, I know. Yeah. The worst person in the world is the person you barely know on Facebook. Yeah. There's a speaking of like, you know, jazzing up your truck. There's a truck on your street that I've passed a couple of times, and they have the family stickers on the back.

Yeah, I've seen those. So this is the variant, is that it's a Star Wars theme one. And so there's a Luke and a Leia. Okay. Yeah, and then a Yoda. Okay. So what's the math on that? Okay.

Yeah, and then a Yoda. Okay. So what's the math on that? That if you have incest with your sister... You're going to give birth to a Yoda. A weird 800-year-old. Yeah. Some alien. It's been like the Yoda's been inside you before you were born.

Yeah. Growing. Or, maybe I'm misreading it, maybe it's a couple living with their grandfather. Yeah. Or maybe Leia and Yoda. Oh, yeah. Like, maybe they're together. It like an anacol and a nicole smith sort of relationship yeah and then waiting for this kind of kickoff and luke is the uh is the lawyer and uh and swindle uh yoda out of all of his money i wasn't thinking uh you brought enough yeah it's only you had a very

sort of um heterocentric maybe it's luke and yoda oh yeah well it's just i guess it's the way they were positioned it's like the two yeah they're absolutely the dave thomas special mine on the back of my car i have dave thomas vander of wendy's wendy and yoda and a burger and a burger cut in half we're a burger with a bite out of it even more weirder like what's the story here yeah who is that supposed to be it's our kid where uh graham you overheard i was in a. I was in a diner, and the table, just a couple of tables over from me,

there was a lady. I feel like she was having breakfast with her dad, because the guy was much older, and they didn't have a lot of common ground, and I feel like they hit on something that was common enough, and they just kept talking about and the only reason i heard her is because she was talking so loud and uh she was talking about adam sandler movies yeah and that's the one thing she has in common with her dad well

or the one thing that dad could like relate to yeah like i don't want to hear about your drug problem tell me about that dumb movie i Yeah, I want to get chocolate wasted. So she went on to describe the plots of 50 First Dates, Mr. Deeds, The Waterboy, Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2. Okay. Now, she's describing all these movies. Did she explain why Rob Schneider wasn't in Grown Ups? This was the thing that was a hang-up throughout the whole process, was she didn't know the names of any actors except Adam Sandler. So, Adam Sandler and a bunch of other actors. And then she just vaguely describes what Kevin James is and what is a David space. And the dad's just soaking it all up.

And then the dad's only contribution, kind of midway through the conversation, he goes, I like that Ben Stiller. And she goes, I don't get him. So it was one attempt to connect with his daughter. She quickly shut down. Dusted off. Back to Sandler. Yeah.

So she was like, she didn't even know the name of like Drew Barrymore? No, she didn't know Drew Barrymore. She didn't know Salma Hayek. She didn't know John Turturro? She didn't know John Turturro. She didn't know anything. She knew Adam Sandler and the names of these movies. And then she was giving her like point for point review of like, you know, Mr. Deeds,

it's great if you're in the right mood for it. of like, you know, Mr. Deeds, it's great if you're in the right mood for it. I like to watch this one at like 11 in the morning. Right before I watch Grown Ups. Basically every day I have a routine where I watch every Adam Sandler movie while I do drugs. Now we also have overheards

that have been sent in from around the world. If you want to be one of those people, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. Yeah. Oh, okay. Now, this first one comes from right here in Vancouver. This is from Patrick B. B. Yep.

You're getting it. Getting it. Yep. Okay. Hi, Davey Graham. Here we go, Davey Graham. Stop. I'm a potential guest.

I work on the False Creek Ferries down on Granville Island, and today I overheard a snippet of a conversation between two boys aged about six and seven and their world-weary mother. snippet of a conversation between two boys aged about six and seven and their world weary mother. I missed the context of the conversation, but did catch the two boys exclaim in unison, well, can we at least make fun of their kids? To which the mother replied,

okay, fine, just not in front of me. What were they doing before that, like, the mom said, oh, don't do that. Can we beat up their kids? No Can we egg their house? No Can we make fun of their kids? Yes, of course

Am I allowed to mention no, okay. Yes There was no what is it technically an overheard if you read something on a bathroom wall? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're big fans of bathroom graffiti. I was at a wedding, and I had to use the laboratory, so I went downstairs. And I went into one of the stalls, and it was written in liquid paper. Oh, yeah.

Very creative. Using a thing for the exact opposite purpose. But who carries liquid paper with them? I didn't understand it. Also, who owns liquid paper in 2013? Well, this wasn't in 2013. This was at least a year ago. Dave Thomas was still alive.

When there were fountains of liquid paper all around and you couldn't... It was very prevalent. Do you think at the office of Whiteout that there was a liquid paper fountain when you walked in the lobby? Just like... Dead goldfish floating

in the bottom of it. We don't know what's the matter with these fish. We keep throwing them in the liquid paper fountain. Someone had clearly taken the time to write this, and it was inside of a church, and someone wrote on the wall, it said, not on the white tile of the wall, but on the door, which was painted blue. Someone had written in white, it said, God is okay with me jerking it. Yeah, of course. Which I thought that was... He wouldn't have given you jerking it. Yeah, of course. Which I was... He wouldn't have given you the two things.

Yeah. And the privacy of a great church bathroom. I wonder if there's ever graffiti in the confessional booths. Yeah, probably. This is bullshit. I murdered a guy. God was here. Father McFlannery's a fag or something like that.

What are you writing in there? What are you writing? Nothing, forgive me, forgive me Father Because I just wrote something about you Yeah, you just go in to confess I just wrote a really nasty thing about you I always thought that was funny So it's like, whoever wrote this

They believe in a God And they also believe in a God that is watching them jerk it And is okay with it And is cool with it But that almost implies that God that is watching them jerk it and is okay with it. And is cool with it. But that almost implies that God is actually watching you from beginning to end of you jerking it and afterwards he's like, I'm okay with this.

What if God was one of us and watched us jerk it? On the bus too. Just trying to make his way home. I think Santa's watching you. He's alright with it. This next one comes from Matthew from Saskatchew from saskatchewan i was walking the mall behind a mother with two boys probably five and eight years old

younger boy i heard of you sneeze and fart at the same time you die older boy i know that's like my biggest fear I know. That's like my biggest fear. I wonder whose parents were that just said, Mama, how did Grandpa die? He did those two things that are forbidden in our house. Sneezing and farting. And he did them at the same time, so no dead.

I feel like that's something you would see on a Spike TV show. Yeah, a thousand ways to... Episode 1. Manswers. And they reenact it, too. Episode 1, question 1. Mythbusters. Yeah, they make the... They're like Crash Dummy.

And it blows up. They fill him with ballistic gel. Put some pepper under his nose. Yeah, they put pepper under a dummy's nose. He's fine. This last one comes from Anthony in Winooski, Vermont. Fun. I couldn't have finished that sentence.

I'm a one-on-one special education teacher working in a second grade classroom it's the start of the school year and as uh such most of the first days of school consist of learning classroom rules etc the classroom teacher was talking about how to behave during a presentation and said when someone is speaking it's important to look at them and not be staring off into space one student immediately piped in i'm staring off into space right now oh look an alien great kid yeah yeah i remember stuff like that like being way too literal as a kid like oh space yes you mean outer space i remember people like my family describing things that happened before i was born and they would say like oh you weren't alive and i was like i

was dead there was a time when i was dead you mean i'm a zombie right now give me your brain do you think that the zombie bubble will ever burst? Yeah, in my heart it's already. It has come and... Jumped the shark? Well, I like seeing a new twist on it, like our sponsor's book. I like a zombie prom. I'm a big fan of the movie My Boyfriend's Back, which was a movie about a guy who comes back from the grave to take his girlfriend. Is that in the 90s?

Yeah, it's really funny like it's really really i feel like it's an underrated uh film but uh the the walking dead genre yeah it's uh it's bleak it's bleak man you know and i know i it's bleak is fun for an hour i hope vampires make a comeback it Yeah. It's been too long. Well, they had the true blood. The true blood. I'm joking. Oh, okay. All right. What about, you know, like the mummy? No, the creature from the Black Lagoon.

When is that going to make a comeback? But what is it? A blob? No, he's like a fish guy. He's got like a fish face. Uh-huh. With scales. And webbed hands.

Webbed hands. I remember that. When are cyclopses going to make a comeback? Were they ever big? Were Cyclops's... I mean... Centaurs? Weren't they big in the...

Matadors? In the like... The doors? In the Matador? Titan Clash? I don't know. I don't watch any of those films. I'm not allowed.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, it's 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham, this is Chrissy from Eugene, Oregon, calling with an overheard. Really just a hilarious thing my son said this morning. He's three, and he had taken something apart and handed it to me, and I said, this is the last time I'm going to fix it. I put it back together. Maybe now you can just stop.

He said, maybe then you can just eat a butt. Maybe you can. Dying on this. That's some sass mouth for a kid But if it's cute you can get away with it That's why I get away with everything I say He may have seen the movie a lot That's why I say all that stuff to cops

They're like ah you Yeah I'll eat a butt The kid may have just seen the movie alive And was just Heavy diet of disaster films for your youngster at the preschools they show it a lot yeah but like those to teach kids about rugby yeah those people from alive like they really couldn't like they couldn't tolerate somebody telling them like kiss kiss my ass like that was the ultimate like they'd be like i ate an ass one time yeah the rest

of their lives it's like oh i wish i could have just kissed it i had to eat that yeah yeah oh what i would have given to just just kiss that would be heaven just to kiss an ass did you ever see a lie my ass don't tempt me i got a taste for it i've never seen the movie i, like, that was one of those things that was a super famous movie you did not have to see to know exactly what it was about. Yeah, I've seen it. Have you seen it? You know what? I've seen clips of it, but I've never... Just the ass-eating clips.

I would just type in ass-eating alive. Alive. Born to eat ass. It was like a movie. It was a bad sequel to it. If you had rented it, like, Basic Instinct, you would just fast forward to the leg crossing scene. Alive, you would just fast forward to the butt eating scene. Ah, they're eating a butt!

Then you'd giggle and turn the movie off and go back to bed. It's the thing about it. Like, it's a good movie. But, uh... You yell out in the theater, just eat a butt. Eat a butt. Eat a butt. If you go to see the theatrical version of Alive, the play,

they just start chanting, eat a butt. They actually had promotional items in the concession stand. They had the popcorn reserved in a giant butt. It's just like cupcakes in a giant butt. It's just like cupcakes shaped like a butt. What was the hole? Two big cheeks. Too far.

You put the straw in it. That's where you drank from. A tray of... Sorry. All right. Next phone call. Hey, Graham and guest. This is Curtis, the high school teacher.

I'm on my hall duty, and I was watching these kids do this, I guess, psychology experiment where one kid is blindfolded, and the other kid is telling the blindfolded kid directions and how to walk. And this girl is walking along this path outside, and there's a fence that sort of has a gate in it. And, you know, the gate's open, but there's another group that wants to go past. So her handler, I guess, says, hey, why don't you hop off to the side so that these other people can go by?

So she steps off onto the grass, and then she's like, oh, the grass. I know where I am! And she takes a full step forward and bangs straight into the fence. That was pretty great. I got it from here, fellas. I can handle this blind thing. Yeah, I feel like I've really grown into this.

I feel like a daredevil now. What are those blind people complaining about? Yeah, this is super easy, Clank. I feel like that, he said it was some kind of psychology experiment. We did this exact same thing. I'm not sure it was a psychology experiment, though. It was more like. Yeah, I think it was more of like, we were scheduled to watch a movie today, but I forgot

to book the VCR, so go do this. Yeah. It was like a weird trust exercise of just like to book the VCR. So go do this. Yeah. It was like a weird trust exercise or just like, you know, fall and some people catch you. Yeah. Yeah. We did that in, I think it was in high school where you had to do high school or rehab. I can't remember. Yeah.

It all blends together. It was maybe the same class where you had to take care of a bag of flour for a week. Or an egg. Yeah. I don't, do we ever do that? I don't think so. I don't think we did any. week. Or an egg. Yeah. Do we ever do that? I don't think so. I don't think we did any. We did no baby prep.

Yeah. I don't know how to take care of a baby. I mean, we learned how to not get pregnant. And we called it no baby prep. Because it was like baseball chatter. You just go, no baby, no baby, no baby, no baby. No whammies, no whammies. Yeah.

Yeah, they just popped in a TLC video. That was the entire sex ed that we got. With the crazy sexy cool? Yeah, yeah. Well, they would just show, you know, hey, condoms, you know, but don't wear them on your face. Useless up there. Yeah, they'd fast forward to your favorite scenes. House burning down, abortion, eating a butt.

Here is your final overheard. Hi, David and Graham and potential magnificent guests. This is Corey calling from Boston with an overheard. I drive a tour bus downtown and I give tours

while doing that. One tour, there was a little boy sitting behind me, and he was very outspoken in his opinion of the tour and my favorite thing that he said was I was driving by a church I said this is also where Nancy Kerrigan got married and he turns to his dad and he said why are we supposed to care about that. He has a point! This is the famous chapel Nancy Kerrigan got married at.

You're giving a historical tour of Boston with all, like, the American Revolution and stuff. Well, there's gotta be a couple streets where nothing happened, you know? There's gotta be a couple dead zones on any given tour where you've got to be, Oh, you know, anybody ever see that episode of Homicide where they went to Boston?

This is where the catering truck was parked. This is the letter carrier's path. Cliff Clavin? Yeah, Cliff Clavin would have walked if he was a real person. This is the letter carrier's path that was... Who's the letter carrier? Yeah, Cliff Clavin would have walked if he was a real person. Actually, that's not bad. I'd be like, that's kind of interesting, even though he made it up completely. And he didn't deliver letters. He was in a bar all day.

day do you know that he like he would get letters all the time from from mailmen would like or letter carriers social workers postal workers and they said the only thing that they didn't like they loved the character like they really loved the character and they had the postmaster general as a guest, like, on one of the episodes. He came out with cheers. Tune in to the Postmaster General. He shows up with a gun and just mows it. Well, once on St. Elsewhere, C. Everett Koop was on the Surgeon General. But the one thing that he would hear over and over again in these letters was that it's fine that he would show up to the bar in his uniform, but no postal worker would ever show up with their keys.

That's like something you leave at work. Walk around the city with keys to apartment buildings, lest you get knocked over and everybody gets free everything. I don't know if that's the international rule. Now everyone gets everything.

He found a pair of keys. The mailman fell over. Get his keys! Get him! But yeah, they said that that would never happen. But everything else? Everything he would drink every day? Quite factual, yes.

Now, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Yeah. Now, tell us some things. People online can find you. Your podcast. Your radio show first. The radio shows. Anything Goes.

It had to be you. Unforgettable you. Unforgettable. The Road to Morocco. Unforgettable you. Unforgettable. The road to Morocco. Romancing the stone. No, it shows anything goes. Darren Frost and myself, we mostly interview comics, but we've interviewed musicians and sexologists. Luminaries.

Yeah, people of all sorts. We should get a sexologist. Yeah, we're gonna. I would recommend Dr. Jess. She's quite... Not for the show. Just Graham and I. Graham and I.

We're going through it. How babies are made. Things like that. We're going through a confusing time. Yeah. I'm into a live way more than Dave.

Dave's never seen it. I feel like I have a Yoda inside of me. It's been there since before I was born. But we recorded a bunch of shows that are going to air up until the end of December, and then I believe

we'll start doing new shows in January. So we talked to Mike McDonald and Jesse Joyce recently, who wrote for a bunch of the Oscars. Oh, yeah. And who writes for all the roasts. And then in Calgary, we talked to Simon King, Kevin Stobo, Chris Nanneroni, Corey Mack, Wafik Nasrella. So we try to get comics to come on and just be themselves and be funny in conversation.

Yeah. Not so full. to come on and just be themselves and be funny in conversation. I don't want to set anyone up with bits. There's no blue cards that Jay Leno would have or something. That's what we were doing all day. We got your live bits.

We got the other things. Some pre-recorded. And then that's on SiriusXM. Let's throw to a bit. Some man on the street stuff that I showed up with yeah here i asked someone uncomfortable questions outside of a laundromat yeah can dave martin get into a starbucks yeah it was not much of a bit yeah you can yeah

the uh and then uh yeah so that's on sirius xm uh shows uh on every the new's on every Wednesday, and then we podcast it usually on the Sunday. And it's on iTunes? It's on iTunes. Just go to Anything Goes on SiriusXM, and there's usually a bonus chunk at the end of every podcast that you don't hear on Canada Laughs, the radio station. So it's like when we interviewed Mike McDonald, we talked to him for about 90, almost about 90 minutes or so. Sure. And so the stuff that you heard on the radio, which was still a good, fun interview, but he didn't really get warmed up until after the hour mark.

Right. So there's like an extra 40 minutes or so of where he gets really revved up and starts talking. So you only hear that on the podcast. So I recommend most people to go check it out on the podcast. But, I mean, it's on SiriusXM, and check that out. And Twitter's DaveMartinWorld, and that's the name of my website, too. Cool. Which I need to work on, but anyways, who doesn't?

That's right. Yeah. Literally the call of the comedian. I don't think anyone ever says, I have a website, and it's just fine. It's done. Yeah, website up to date. I'm not ignoring anything. Thank you for being our guest.

Thank you guys for having me so much. We have you a lot. We have you so much. But I always, because I listened to a couple episodes, I was just like, these guys just sound like they're having just fun. Nope. And, well, you know, our sex always just would make a difference. She's behind one of the doors and we'll give you notes when after the whole thing's over with both of you are faking your orgasm like from the get-go

that's the problem you're both faking it. Oh, I see. Now I get it. It's been a blast. Thanks, guys. Well, yeah. Thank you very much. And this week, if you're in Vancouver, Dave and I both will be performing at a fundraiser at the Cosmic Zoo. Yeah.

53 West Broadway. It's in conjunction with Pat Thornton's 24-hour comedy marathon to raise money. So we're doing like a satellite show on the Friday with the Sunday service. They're doing an Armando-style show, which is where Dave and I will tell a story or something. Yeah. And then they'll create a scene out of it. It's like an ass cat if you've seen Ass Cat. Yeah.

The favorite improv group of the Alive survivors. Ass cats. Because they ate ass, guys! Remember that whole thing? They didn't eat cat. No, that's true. Oh, they would have. They had ass crack fever.

And also that same night, I will be performing at a fundraiser for Co-op Radio, hosted by past guest Guy McPherson and all sorts of great comedians. That's at Pat's Hub. So the two nights, two fundraisers. One night, two fundraisers. One night, two fundraisers. That's Friday night. Zero money in my pocket. Yeah. But, yeah, if youraisers. One night, two fundraisers. That's Friday night. Zero money in my pocket.

But, yeah, if you got a Friday night free, either of those shows would be a real boost. You put the fun back in fundraising. Absolutely. Well, and I also put the raise. Yeah, I put the drays. And if you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap that comes with every episode. Probably pictures and videos of...

That McDonaldland scientist. Dave. Dr. Burger. Dave Thomas. Alive, etc. Yeah. And if you like the show, tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported