Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 297 - JJ Whitehead

Episode Date: November 26, 2013

Comedian JJ Whitehead joins us to talk potato famines, Extreme Cheapskates, and rubbies.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 297 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's enjoying this crisp, almost wintry weather, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, what about it, man? Oh, you love it. You can see your breath, but not too much.

Oh yeah, totally. I can ski to work. I can sled to work uh one horse open uh yeah yeah uh oh in the meadow we could build a snowman uh what are we gonna call him jackson brown we can well we could pretend he's parson brown i don't understand what that means i don't know either and then he'll the snowman develops the ability to talk. Oh, and then Wed also. Yeah, but he's super invested. The moment he comes to life, he's like, I gotta get you guys married. I don't like what you're doing. And our guest today, a very funny comedian, originally from Canada, then made his home

in London, England, and now making his way back to the North American continent over to L.A., Mr. J.J. Whitehead. Hello, hello. Welcome. Hello, fellas. Well, thank you. Welcome back to North America. I quite like your crisp weather as well.

Right? Yes. Oh, it's fantastic. Oh, man. We're going to do a lot of scarf talk this evening. Oh, yeah. Scarf talk. Stew talk.

Uh-huh. Knitting. Fires. Just warm mugs. I've gotten good use out of my warmer clothing as well. Yeah. Did you... Wait.

Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Now, you've been staying in L.A. Yeah. And now you've popped up to Canada. Six weeks. I've been in L.A. for six weeks. So how much warm clothing did you bring?

I brought a lot. I think that I underestimated how nice it is in L.A. Yeah. It's rained once in the six weeks I've been there. Most times when they film a movie there and they have rain, special effects. That's industrial magic. They had it later, yeah. Skywalker Ranch.

It's a magical place. It's the only place that rains. I'm telling you, I'm still in that romantic period. I'm like, wow, this L.A. thing, this can work. I have a friend who moved down there a year ago, still in the romantic phase. After a year? Yeah, because he's a He's a romantic.

He's a romantic. He's a movie buff. And he's rich. Yeah, and he's a millionaire. Well, yeah. If you're a millionaire, I think you'd still be in the romantic phase anywhere in the world, man. I don't think it's, ah, how are you going to make it

in L.A.? Well, with only a million dollars. I don't think it's, ah, how are you going to make it in LA? Well, with only a million dollars. I don't know. That guy on the Slumdog Millionaire, he's a millionaire. He doesn't seem too happy about it. He seems like a real slumdog. Wait a minute.

Is that what the movie's about? No, no. Which version of the movie did you watch? Does he not get the million bucks at the end when he proves how how he uh yeah he doesn't he get the million bucks and the girl yeah and somehow you watch that film and you've gone he wasn't happy i know but he's got to live in india i don't i don't think he does you haven't seen sl Slumdog Part 2. Oh, yeah. Of course. Oh, yeah. I think he moves to L.A. Yeah.

He dumps the girl. Yeah. He starts dating Sofia Vergara. And a slew of hookers. Yep. He starts dating a slew of hookers. Yeah. Date them by the slew.

So, yeah, this guy that moved down there, he just loves – there's all these theaters that show old movies all the time. Oh, right. So he's still like super enamored with – There's still drive-ins in L.A. What? Which is pretty cool too. Now, you have a car. Have you been to the drive-in yet?

I do have a car. I do. I do. So excited. I got a car. That means I'm committed. It's so exciting. I've got a car. That means I'm committed to North America, right? I can't go back to Britain now. Well, the whole time you were in London, you didn't have a car, surely.

Yeah, I've got a car sitting in London right now. I've got cars in two continents. You've got two cars. Dude, I've got two cars. Oh, man, that would be on my business card. But my England car is just a Ford Escort. Well, I don't know if that's good or bad. It's weird.

I watch Top Gear. Rarely does a Ford Escort make it onto Top Gear. Yeah, no, they'll have, they'll talk about, like. By rarely, I mean never, by the way. You've seen every episode. By rarely, I mean never, by the way. You've seen every episode. They'll do it in the jokey news where they make fun of people who can't afford $100,000 cars.

Yeah, that's me. That's targeted towards me, clearly. But it's weird because they'll talk about brands that they have over there. And then, you know, there's a lot of Fords. And then a lot of... Well, Fords are actually really good in Europe. Because it's different. They're totally different. They're smaller.

You can drive the shit out of a Ford up and down the M roads of England. A main road. Is that what that's short for? Well, yeah. Like the M1 is the main... Is it a highway? Yeah, it's a highway. This is great.

Give us more. Give us more. More of this stuff. So you have a car in London? I do. You don't have a Ford? I have a Ford Escort that was not made in America. Oh, I've got a slew of Escorts I'm dating.

I won a Slumdog Millionaire contest. Nicely done. Lookalike contest. So you're still in the romantic phase of living in Los Angeles. Yeah, I'm really enjoying it so far. So what do you do during the romantic phase of living in L.A.? Well, I guess you've just'll say you've just arrived, you start doing some gigs,

promoters get to see you for the first time, so you, you know, glad hand a few people. I don't mean, that's not anything sexual. No, you put a condom in your hand, you slip it to a manager. A little wink. Can I get back on your stage again? Yeah.

And, you know, and it's kind of getting, kind of getting, your community of friends starts to come together. I'm hanging out with a lot of guys who maybe I haven't seen in years, like any British comics who have moved over here in the last five, six years. Russell Brand. So all of a sudden we have a little crew. I've seen Russell around. I'm staying with my friend Jim Jeffries, though, and we used to live together six years ago in Manchester in England.

And Matt Kirshen and Rhys Darby are two good friends of mine. And they've been living in L.A. for about two years. So all of a sudden we've got the four of us and a few other guys. What kind of cars do they drive? It's like this little crew that's slowly forming. So it's good. Like Entourage. Oh, yeah.

Jim drives a dirtbag Dodge Charger. Oh, nice. Is it a Charger or Challenger? Is it like a newer model? It's probably two years old now. Okay, yeah. I don't know whether it's Charger or Challenger, but they have both now. But it's a big boy's toy.

It's like a bright orange with a black streak down it. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Didn't Walt Jr. have one? It's a very expensive car. Is it that same car? Was it? Like a very vroom vroom.

I don't know the difference between the two. Kind of a Dukes of Hazzard if they happen now. But what's great is he loves driving it. But as he drives it, I can't believe how appalled women are by it. For a man who likes women. He likes women, but when he drives by in a car, they just look disgusted at him. And then as he pulls into a parking

lot, it's always dudes come over and go, that's awesome, man! So men are very excited by the Dodge. Are women as excited by torque as men are? LA doesn't seem like a place where people would be like, look at me, look at my car.

No, not at all. So it's been good. It's been positive. It's sunny there. Yeah, it's been really fun. Yeah, and I've enjoyed the people that I meet. It's sunny every day.

How's that? That must be crazy to you. It's great, you know? All the rain of Britain. I can't wait. I'm going back to Britain in January. I'm really looking forward to freezing my ass off in my shitty little flat. And the other thing is the work, everything's done a little bit earlier in la too i don't know what kind

of reputation it has but it doesn't go all night in england on the comedy circuit you're not home until one in the morning and it's weird i feel like i'm accomplishing all those things like the drunkenness and the and the good gig and everything by 10 o'clock which is fantastic you're in bed by 11 up at 6 a.m the next day right in the sunshine it is uh that's some like something that i noticed the first time i went down there and somebody just said that to me like yeah it's like it is like a factory town because everybody works yeah in these you know studio jobs and stuff and they have to start at six in the morning. It would be great if it was like because the factory town happens

to be super famous people making enormous movies but it would be great if every factory town was like that. You go to some place where there's just a tire factory and then you walk into the dry cleaners and there's head shots of a bunch of guys

who make tires. Everybody has their own little bubble. Yeah, and then they have big premieres for the new tire. I'm sure they do. Oh, absolutely. Sort of. Mostly just lay people off. This new tire has made your

job obsolete. This tire makes tires. Well, yeah. What are you wearing not this employee little uniform uniform no i i have very you're fired exactly so uh so this is like this is uh you're starting a new in a new place and then you're up here and then back to britain which you hate you hate it there so much you've been down with britain no i know i love you britain but uh yeah i'm just uh i'm just not in love with you it is like a long drawn out breakup that i seem to be doing because i still have a flat in the car as you've pointed out yeah it's just sitting there so yeah it's uh you probably still got a

couple suits in the closet over there that are still i'm literally my game plan for this january tour that i've got in england is to leave my car by the side of the road well that's no game plan that doesn't count as a game plan well i mean it does in the moment i'm gonna say goodbye to it i mean i did i'm gonna take the license plate with me. I did name it. Named it. What's the name of it? It's Fred. He's Fred.

Why is he Fred? Fred the Ford Escort. I thought you have to name a car a lady. No, you don't. Really? You don't have to name a car at all. You have to name a boat a lady, right? No, you can name a boat like two chugs.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The options are endless. Yeah, I don't think you can name a boat Fred, though. I think a boat has to be either a lady or something you would name a horse. You could be more creative with a boat. Like a racehorse name. But when you're driving a shitty little 1999 Ford Escort...

Your car could be listening. This podcast goes everywhere. Fred could be listening. Giving it a name. This podcast goes everywhere. Fred could be listening. I've seen Fred's stereo. He doesn't pick up the signal. Trust me. So this game plan of abandoning your car. Yeah.

And also, no matter what car you have, it doesn't pick up the signal. Yes. That's a very good point. We're going to get all factual. Now, you're originally from Halifax? Yes, Halifax. No, it was Coal Harbor, actually, the home of Sidney Crosby. Oh, yes.

Yeah. When you go back there, do you get so sick of hearing about Sidney Crosby? His name is on the sign. Really? At the entrance to Coal Harbor, it says, home of Sidney Crosby? His name is on the sign. Really? At the entrance to Cole Harbour. It says, Home of Sidney Crosby. And so you're like, that's my competition, to be the home of... Yeah, I always think they spelt my name wrong.

You're from Calgary. Do you know what it says when you enter Calgary? What are you doing? It used to say Wild Rose Country, and now it says Heart of the New West. Oh. Yeah. Vancouver. I think it's now something Olympic.

Yeah. Welcome, 2010. But it used to be when you entered Vancouver, it said, Welcome to Vancouver, a nuclear-free city. That's true. Wow. Yeah. But now we have the bomb. Yeah. Changed our true. Wow. Yeah. But now we have the bomb.

Changed our mind on that. Yeah. Just in time for the Olympics. Yeah, after 2010 we got the bomb. Yeah, do you get back ever to Nova Scotia or is that? I do. I did the Halifax Comedy Festival earlier this year. And?

Which was good fun and I'm going back for Christmas. So I dip in every now and then just to say hi to Mom. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom. It gets boring pretty quick out there in the Maritimes. Oh, no, there's that corner with all the pizza. Oh, yeah. And I mean, we did discuss lobster earlier. Yeah, you were telling... We got some lobster pride.

You, you're, someone in your family married into the family. My brother married a lobster fisherman's daughter. So we get, we get some discount lobster.

That was the sequel to The Coal Miner. Wow, yeah. So... Those are the two options out in Cape Breton. That's true. The Coal Miner's daughter or miners daughter our lobster fisherman's daughter i do like heat but i also do like we had to have a meeting with my brother and we said to my brother that we we're hungrier than we are cold mike so get out

there and do a good job um and you you had a specific way of eating, like, a lobster tail, which I... That's true. But, like, lobsters are super cheap. Do they, like, crawl down the...

It is cheaper. They're, like, in fest houses and stuff. Yeah, yeah. They're like rats out there. Wow, this is great. Like, you put out a... I'm learning here.

Really, is this the reputation that they have? It's like, that's the evolution of the cockroach. Is that what the rest of Canada thinks? If you put out a pat of butter, you wake up and lobsters are all over it. That's the lobster trap. I've been doing it wrong all these years. I put my lobster traps in the water. But you have to sleep on your side.

Because if you sleep on your back, they'll crawl on your face and suck your face off. Oh, yeah, that's what a lot of people don't know, is they accidentally swallow eight lobsters a year in their sleep. They just choked it down. Now I'm starting to understand why Maritimers have such a reputation. How did these rumors make it out? I've got lobsters in my walls. Was it, you grew up in Coal Harbor. You were raised as a lobster.

Kind of, my father's military, so we went back and forth. So I lived in Chilliwack for a while when I was a little kid, probably until about grade four, I lived in Chilliwack. When we got the bomb. Then we went to Nova Scotiaia and then I went to high school in Victoria. So I went coast to coast to coast to coast. You've been all over the place.

Coast to coast to coast to coast. And then I fucked off to England. And now you're back on the coast again. Feels good. Feels good to have you back. So that might explain if our listeners are trying to place your accent. Oh, right.

Oh, it's bastardized. I have a bastardized accent. If I can stay in Canada a little bit longer, it'll probably get more Canadian. But if I talk to an Irishman for a while, it'll start to sound Irish. What? See, this is the thing. In Ireland, it's sort of like lobsters, but with potatoes. Yeah.

You put out a pat of butter, a potato will... The potatoes come in the darkness. A potato miner's daughter. Well, let's not forget. The reason why it was called a famine is because that's what they didn't have. No, I think it was because the potatoes ate all their food. And caused the famine. What caused that famine?

Was it the Pied Piper? Yeah, Potato Piper. Came to town, took them all away. They have them now, don't they? Oh, yeah. Yes, they're not in the... Holy shit, man. I don't think about Ireland a lot. They're not in the... Holy shit, man. I don't think about Ireland a lot.

They're not in the Dark Ages. What? I know you don't have to think about Ireland a lot, but it is 2013. Well, you were saying... They've got internet and everything. But their electricity is still powered by potatoes. But it's still like... We associate them with potatoes, not just because of the famine,

but also because of the abundance, right? Yes. Now. Always, other than the famine. Yeah, that's true. Potatoes. There's other things you could associate with Ireland, though, like Lucky Charms.

Sure. Alcoholism. The Leprechaun franchise. The Commitments. Yeah. Wow, you guys never go east in any way. No, I haven't seen The Commitments. Irish people bum me out. Fuck them.

Fuck Irish. Now, I forgot what I was going to ask. Was it about a potato? I think it was about a potato. Various famines. They call them chips. Yeah, yeah. Tell us more.

Have you liked that? Emeralds? Pies? A pie is what we call a pie. I go to Britain for my emeralds and chips. I do forget what I was going to ask. Okay. Something about lobsters. Or maybe potatoes. Maybe I was going to ask. Something about lobsters.

Or maybe potatoes. Maybe I was going to ask about another side. Maybe a different name. Oh, sure, yeah. Coleslaw. Poutine. Yeah, yeah. Sure, why not?

That's ruining our reputation, guys. Whose? Abroad? Like, poutine is... I was trying to explain to foreigners. No, it's cheese and chips and gravy, and we call it poutine? Yeah, I was trying to explain to foreigners No, it's cheese and chips and gravy And we call it poutine It doesn't blow people's minds

The way I think we think it does Just the concept? When do you try this Canadian dish? Well, when I was growing up I remember I have cousins in Montreal And they told us about it And we were grossed out by the idea of it.

That's how the rest of the world feels. But we've learned to love it. Yeah, it's weird because I think when I heard that it was... Like Celine Dion. Oh, exactly. Absolutely. Well, it didn't take us that long to love her. She's great. I've loved her as

long as I've loved her. That's not her. uh i've loved her i've loved her as uh as long as i've loved her that's one of the backstreet boys yeah yeah yeah yeah for a brief time um so yeah i have any songs about love yeah um as long as you love me baby that's the one right yeah that's celine dion um i'll do anything for love's the one, right? Yeah, that's Celine Dion. I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that. Yeah, that's her. Yeah, that's in her heavy face. Oh, love in an elevator.

That's her. Yeah. So, wait. So you've been trying to tell, when you tell people about poutine, they just go, gross. Yeah, they're just shocked're shocked well they're mostly right generally because it was like a quebec thing for a long time and now it's at every fast food restaurant in the country and the uh it looks like you can have restaurants called a poutine that's uh yeah obviously a statement that's been invented quite recently.

You say you had cousins in Montreal, but I don't think any of us grew up with poutineries. No, absolutely. I only knew about poutine because my mom is from Quebec. And when we went there as kids, we were forced to eat it. And they're like, it's curds. And I only knew curds from Curds and Whey, which I associated with spiders.

I associated them with Turks. Never mind. What? Turks and curds? You're like, I want to back away from this reference. Terrible rumors in your household. Anyway, these potato people.

Your parents must have been awesome at telling childhood stories and stuff. Go to bed. We'll tell you about the potato people. Yeah. Don't get out of bed or the curds will get you. Okay, mommy. Yes, mommy.

Scared anxiety. Baby Dave. Yes, mommy. Scared anxiety. Baby Dave. Yeah, baby Dave. Tell me more about the potato man. Is it a dip in a curd in a gravy? What was that accent? That was Scottish, I think. I think he just went Scottish.

I listen to the reggae music, mama. We were talking about accents. Because this past weekend on Saturday Night Live, they did a satire of Rob Ford. Yeah, of the satire. Of the satire. satire of uh yeah of the satire of the satire and but the whole thing seemed to hinge on a boot and uh a and is that is that still what people think yeah we sound like that so that's all the time yeah so yeah which none of us do i know i we i disagree disagree. Do you think we have? Not we. I think the further

like there's an Ontario accent and there's an Atlantic accent. What is the Ontario accent? He definitely says a boat, not a boot. Rob Ford says a boat.

What are you talking about? A boat in the water yeah i don't i think americans have bad hearing yeah yeah no they're they uh i mean obviously for let me explain comedy to you they took what was there and exaggerated it but the uh and exaggerated it. But the one that seems to always stick is how we say sorry. Yeah, that's true. They think it's hilarious.

Sorry, is it? Well, apparently you're supposed to say it, sorry. Sorry, sorry about that. Sorry. But we say sorry, and they're like, oh, sorry, oh, sorry. And I don't know. Yeah, no, there's an O there.

Yeah, but they don't call the board game sorry, do they? Do you want to play a game of sorry? Well, they don't call it sorry. Why not? Isn't that the name of it? Sorry. That's how they say it. That's pretty funny.

That's how you play a board game, too. But everywhere, you've been all over the world, and we're a boot in a. Yeah, we're a boot. Say hoose, say hoose, say ho. Say hoose, moose, a boot. And you go, I gotta get out of here. Well, that is how you pronounce moose. You're all cootsies. Oh, lordy.

Well, it's good to have you back on the continent. I'm happy to be back. So far. Yeah, well, no, it's just going have you back on the continent. I'm happy to be back. So far. Yeah, well, no, it's going to be all gravy. Gravy and curds. I'm happy to be back in Canada as well. I've really enjoyed being back home. Is this your first back into Canada since you've been on the continent?

It is, yeah. Oh, welcome. It is, yeah. It's nice to nip up here. And, of course, next week I'm playing in Victoria, which is where I went to high school. Oh, now is there any old scores you've got to sell? Yeah, are there bullies you're going to... There is a few.

Yeah? Actually, I played there four years ago as well, last time I've been through it. Okay. I was there four years ago, and... Oh, right, this is great. I'm about to do this. Yeah, yeah you when do you play victoria this coming weekend yeah that's okay so the this podcast won't come out until after you've left victoria if that helps okay all right yeah this is but if that doesn't help then never mind just tell us even though every neuron in my brain is going, this is a bad idea.

Don't worry about it. There's a let's just tell it quickly. There was a traumatic incident in my high school days where I got I tried to kiss a girl at a dance. And not only did she deflect the kiss, but she also shoved me to the ground. No. But she also shoved me to the ground at the same time as exclaiming quite loudly, Oh, whitehead just tried to kiss me. And people came running and pointing and laughing at me. And for like the next two months, like I think Valentine's Day, it was like two weeks later, I was getting fake Valentine's.

Like people were pretending to be her. It was traumatic. That is so terrible. Bullying is terrible unless it's widespread. I just wanted to say, though, when I was there and did the gig four years ago, I fucked her. So, revenge is sweet. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Amazing. You're like John Cusack. You're like John Grisham. Yeah. You went back and solved the murder of your heart. Yeah, you gave her the firm.

I just did myself off. Yeah, you took off her pelican briefs and gave her the firm. That's one nerdy grudge I've been holding on to for decades. So, what song was playing? Was it a slow song? That's what I wanted to know as well. When you tried to kiss her, was it a slow dance?

Probably Foreigner. Right, because you're 47 years old. But also, we were you going to say? We were not dancing. That's the other thing. I don't, I think we were just talking in the hall. Oh, okay. I was, I was not a man of good moves.

But I like that there was an instinct in your head that said, like, this is the time. You were just in the hall? Was it even during the dance? Poor 17-year-old me. Do it said like this is the time you were just in the hall was it even during the dance poor 17 year old me do it now this is it yeah this is it i'm a i'm kind of alone with her well we're walking in the same direction you know like when i'm going for it when you hesitate to go talk to it's high school but you know that what are you gonna do but you know that thing where it's like people like what's the worst that could happen? She'll just say no. Or she'll yell out your name and everybody will come around and go, eww.

And point at you and then send you cards for weeks after. Oh, it could be so much worse than her just saying no. Yeah. When you think what's the worst that could happen, really think it through. yeah when you think what's the worst that could happen really think it through i've had i had a not as severe but i had a girl uh fully put her palm on my face when i leaned in to kiss her so yeah and it was but like i i the saving grace is it was just the two of us but we both know what happened. She palmed my face.

And then dunked it. That's a proud moment. Yeah. But I also think, I'm not sure I didn't kiss her palm. If we're telling embarrassing stories from high school, I don't have any. I was super cool. Oh, you were super cool. No, I just never had the nerve. I never worked up the nerve

you just kept to yourself i was pretty i was pretty smart about this whole what's the worst trying to digest this whole poutine rumor that you heard from your cousins yeah wow but uh and when you went back to town, did you seek her out, or was this just a fluke? No, she showed up at the gig. No kidding. Wow. Well done. Rocked up to the gig.

And you were destroyed, and boom, and then you're destroyed. I'm in my call. Shall I avenge 13 years ago? I think I shall. Yeah. You take out the yearbook and stare at it the whole time. This is for you!

I don't really get your senior quotes. But whatever. Rerow history, man. Good for you! I think that gives hope to I think that echoes across the generations.

Any high schools out there that have been severely denied by a woman lately, just hold on in 13 years. If you're driving, if you own two cars, a flat in London, hanging out in LA, if you've got things happening. Lobsters. Or just things. If you've got things. Oh, yeah, but not things like if you're growing things, then that's not like if you're like... I'm getting lost.

Dave, what's going on with you? What's this a lesson for? Here's what's going on with me. I've been sick the last three weeks. I'm sorry. All of my news is about things I've watched on TV. Oh, good.

And in the last week, I've gotten into two shows. One is from your homeland of England. Right. It's the... And I resist British TV shows. It's not a soap opera. No, no, no. I resist...

Come on, man. Whenever someone's like... It's those Coronation Streets. No, no, no. Whenever someone's like. Those coronation streams. No, no, no. Top gear. It's EastEnders. But whenever someone's like, oh, you got to check out this British show. It's always obnoxious.

Like, whenever someone's like, oh. I see someone post something about Doctor Who. And I'm like. Doctor Who, there's not enough superheroes. If you're going to go superhero show, have more than just one dude calling himself a doctor. It's fucking boring. That's how I feel about these things. Boring, isn't it?

And they're so passionate about it. We've got to watch Doctor Who. And especially North Americans. Give him some fucking sidekicks or some shit. Is it just him? It's just him, and he usually has a female sidekick. Yeah, and there's like a... In my opinion, not enough to anchor a series.

Sometimes he's got a tweed jacket. Yeah, oh yeah, or he had a big scarf for a while. Yeah, that carries a lot of weight. But it's like North Americans who are... And he's still being chased around by a 60s version of a futuristic robot. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Come on, let's update this. It's with all the vacuum tubes.

I can see the midget's feet sticking out the bottom. Oh, I can't wait to find out what the show is. I know, right? I bet you I hate it. I'm sure you do. I can't think of any British television. But the thing is, the only reason I agreed to watch this was because I realized there's only six episodes of it total. And it's Sherlock.

Oh, Sherlock. No shit. Yeah, it's called No Shit Sherlock. And it's fine. Yeah. It's cheesy, but the end is in sight. I have not seen it. It's fine it's cheesy but the end is in sight I have not seen it it's fine I saw the first one

the first whatever it's the Benedict Cumberbatch thing I liked him in Star Trek same character he plays Khan I'll tell you what there's a very good British show but it's a game show and it's

called Pointless. Oh, I like it. And it's fucking awesome. All right. So it's, so you got like people competing, but you have, so they give you a question, but you have to get the most pointless answer. So they're marked out of a hundred. So a hundred people, it's like the opposite of Family Feud.

Okay. So for example, if you were to go like if the question was Bill Murray movies. Right. Right. So if you'd go Caddyshack, you'd probably score like a 67 or something. Whereas if you go Quick Change or some like

obscure Bill. Oh, I see. Yeah, and the little dial goes all the way down to like one or whatever. And that's how you win in advance. What would you say in Bill Murray movies? Broken Flowers. Oh, I would go Operation Dumbo Drop. Was he in Operation?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, well, I think we've all got it. I think we've got pointless Bill Murray films nailed. I'll look into it. Oh, it's a great show. But it's weird. We don't usually get game shows over here. No, we don't get them until they've been Americanized.

Until they've been Americanized. There's another thing I tried to explain to British people. I tried to explain bumper stumpers. Oh, yeah. You did what? How long was this show? Half an hour? Yeah, it was on for 25 years.

Which of these belonged to a dental hygienist? T-E-E-T-H. Teeth. Teeth. Men. Teeth won. Now, because over in Britain, it was where Deal or No Deal originated from. And it's very low rent compared to...

Yeah, totally. They really have a they've lost it up everywhere else yeah there's ladies with suitcases in the american version yeah and uh it's just the suitcases they all have bum bags yeah it's just a box yeah yeah no ladies and an ancient red phone and uh and a really old presenter who i guess was was quite famous in the 80s or something. But they disappeared for the last 20 years and they just dusted them off. Get out there. His name's Noel something.

But yeah, so it's been his return to fame. Where's this guy been for two decades? He's done a great job. It's like, who did we have that hosted Switchback? Oh, Stu Jeffries. Stu Jeffries was... Wasn't there a Stan the Man? Stan something?

Oh, are you thinking of Tarzan Dan? Are you thinking of Dan Gallagher? I remember Dan Gallagher. No, I thought Stan the Man hosted Switchback. What is Switchback? Switchback was the one Jane Stanton was on, rapping. Oh, yeah. Oh, Switchback is still around?

No, no, no. No. But our past guest... Yeah, stanton vancouver comedian uh in the 80s as like a an 11 year old wow uh did a rap about safety yeah this was how canada was introduced to rap and it was uh and as you can see, it's really taken home. These elementary school kids rapping about getting along. Yeah, getting along, seatbelts. So the first show was Sherlock. Yeah, that's fine. I recommend it if you want to watch six of something.

Yeah. The other thing is an American show called Extreme Cheapskates. And this is about, it's on TLC and they follow people who refuse to spend money on anything. Obos? So do they invent like complaints and stuff to try to get free shit? Not on the episodes I saw. I saw three or four episodes. And there was...

You really were sick. Poor guy. There was one pregnant woman. Or was she? And they wanted to paint the nursery. And you have to buy so much stuff when you have a baby. And she was like,

I'm painting the nursery. But she only had a sponge. And no paint. And she went to a bunch of stores and was like, can I have some paint samples? And they were like, well, they're $3 a can. And she was like, how about free? How about free 99? Holy cow.

And so she got these paint samples. But she had to get like 50 of them. So the room is a bunch of different colors. What? And then. Wait, what color was the room before that you needed to paint in all these different colors? Yeah, it was beige. Yeah, just leave it beige. It's a nice neutral color oh no our baby's gonna

be a clown yeah uh and the other thing about her well first of all her name was angel dur her last name was dur d-u-r-r as in her parents were chiefs they didn't even finish her fucking name do we have to pay for the birth certificate? There's only so much ink in that pen. Don't write out Derwitz. It's just Der. A Der.

And she had a... She was pregnant and her boyfriend... She's not paying for no marriage certificate. No, no, no. This is extreme. Yeah.

They're dumpster divers. No, no, no. This is extreme. Yeah. Uh, they're, they're, uh, dumpster divers. Oh, gross. So they, they, they're free. She's dumpster diving as a prego? Yeah, not, like, it's, uh, the term doesn't mean you literally, like, do swan dives into dumpsters. She doesn't get scored. She's not doing it. Three homeless dudes sitting on the side with cards

one to ten. So they found a breast pump. Oh, gross! A new breast pump's like $200. But an old one is zero because it's old. But it's broken. It's still pretty good. So they cleaned it.

And then her boyfriend attached a bike pump to it so anytime she needs milk he's got to be there beside her just to pump for like 20 minutes so they've created their life as water world while they're still dry land wow amazing there was another woman. And the weird thing is, I had seen her before on another reality show called Millionaire Matchmaker. And she's a millionaire. Who? This cheapskate.

What? Oh, my God. Oh, no. So it's one of these people who's going to die and have $5 million in their bank account that they donate to a bottle cap. But the weird thing, I saw her on Millionaire Matchmaker and she loves dancing and she hates touching.

So you wouldn't have been a good match for her. At the high school thing. And her first question to every guy on that show was like, do you like dancing? Let's dance. I like to dance. Get your hands off me! So she just enjoys dancing with a good two-foot

space between the two of them. And accumulating money. How did she make her millions? Can't be from dumpster diving. Or can it? Apparently she's a successful author, but my theory is she's a liar. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

It's very easy to say you're a millionaire if you never have to prove it. Yeah, that's a good point. You're like, I live in this shantytown and I sleep under garbage and I eat a garbage. But I'm a millionaire. But on the Extreme Cheapskates show, she drives a Mustang from the 90s made up of different cars, like different doors.

Oh my god. And the big reveal was that she... So I drive a nicer Ford than her. Yeah, exactly. The big reveal was that she uh so i drive a nicer ford than her yeah exactly uh the big reveal oh yeah and at the beginning of every show you're like they have to announce like i'm the world's richest cheapskate and that was her like the the pregnant lady was the world's pregnantest cheapskate or whatever uh and her um most pregnant she's the big reveal uh on this millionaire was that she

saves 30 cents on tuna by just buying cat food wow and then it showed her serving it to people uh to who what people like her neighbor yeah hobo joe wow A raccoon Oh, but she lives in a giant house in Las Vegas Really? Did you just say house? She lives in a giant house No!

We do! We do! We totally do! We do, eh? Now, living in a giant house in Las Vegas Is like the like bullshit millionaire thing i i uh uh it feels like the end of every episode should just be a thing where they're like oh a dollar and then it's on a string and the producers are just pulling it and then they pull them into

traffic and then that's the end of the episode. Yeah. Did they survive? I wish they did more extreme sports. Did they show how to, like, boil soup in somebody's hot tub? Yeah, boil soup out of a shirt. I guess that's... I guess... That's some riveting TV you've been watching. Yeah, I've been under the weather. Yeah, extreme... Well, I don't know, man. I like... I mean, are they happy? That's under the weather. Yeah, extreme.

Well, I don't know, man. I mean, are they happy? That's all that matters. The weird thing is the couples, because you're always like, which of these two people dragged the other one into this lifestyle of like, we can't spend, like, our daily budget is $20. We have more than that. Well, maybe they met on plentyofcatfood.com. Like, it's not quite plenty of fish. Or like, yeah, we met on onepersonreallyneedsdiscipline.com. We met on dumpster date.

It's not a date. It's just a dumpster dive. No press. It's just lunch out of a dumpster. Gross. So I recommend those two shows. They're really similar. Yeah, in tone.

But the great thing about Extreme Cheapskates is that'll have so many more episodes than Sherlock. Oh, God, yeah. But you don't need to watch them in order well i feel like sherlock's limited itself to like six like short yeah you know but i feel like extreme cheapskates oh that's very cheap to make yeah oh maybe they should profile the producer they don't yeah yeah that's the last episode. You just see the crazy things. I shot it myself in one camera. I edited it on the camera.

I edited it in camera. Rewind. I didn't like that one. Erase. No craft services. Or the craft service is like... Garbage. Or they sneak up behind an actual like movie set

oh we've got cameras too we can have some snacks yep on movie sets you have to hold one item that from your department in order to get snacks can i see your pass oh i have this uh boom yeah, yeah. Here's your minestrone. You seem professional. Oh, Lordy. So what's up with you, my friend? Well, when we last recorded. When last we spoke. Yeah, just a couple days ago.

And on my way home from here, you know two things about me i uh ride the bus and i often uh get in an altercation here or there because i'm riding the bus uh so i got in an altercation on the bus heading home from here the other day while you smile was this a fracas uh it was almost a fracas but it stopped short of being a fracas i smile because I didn't get in a fight and I didn't end up. Like, that's the foregone conclusion is that I somehow avoided getting in a fight. But how is the bus, like, the transit system? Because you're not their main offender. No. There have got to be people who get in more fights on buses.

And yet when I get on a bus, I don't. How many fights on buses have you been in? Over years he's trying to boost your confidence like don't worry man there's people out there fighting more yeah but then I'm like that gives me something to shoot for and yet when I get on a bus I never see the bus driver looking at faces that say do not allow this guy on the bus well here this is this is exactly how went down, because even if you had that, it wouldn't matter, because this guy snuck on the back door. Oh, yeah, back door galore. Yeah, right away I was like, ah, this is not, this is bad. This is an unsavory element. Did you bust him?

Nope, no, no, no. But it was a very packed bus, and he was on... Did he have shifty eyes when he got on? Listen, he had shifty eyes when he got on was he like listen he had shifty eyes he was uh did he have was his facial hair shifty yeah everything about this guy was shifty uh and he he uh he was grumbling things he was saying racist things what he was he was saying racist things about the people who were getting on the front of the bus he was this and

that i was like this is just fucking you mean the people paying to get on the bus he was terrible and he was drinking he was holding a beer and uh he found another dude uh there there are people that uh my mom would call rubbies okay so a couple of rubbies is this just uh it's it's just a class of people just not even a class just like a specifically like these guys probably spent the day digging a ditch somewhere right for somebody for cash so in high school did you call them the bad kids skids no i called them rubbiesbies? You're the only person I've ever heard. Yeah, this is from my mom. It sounds kind of sexual. I think maybe you should talk to your mom about it. Oh, I didn't even think about that.

They're a rubby. Oh. Yeah. I'm going to rub one out. So, there's a couple of rubbies, right? You guys know what I'm talking about. Oh, we do now. We're talking about nids, skids, skits. Yes. Squirtos.

Yeah. Scums. Yeah, scrubs. Guidos. All these guys. So, two of them. Do they think Ferris Bueller's a righteous dude? Oh, well, everybody does.

And what had happened was, like, it was very crowded, and these guys were just yelling. They were drunk like they were at a bar, but they were on the bus. I love it. I love the fact that he was sneakily getting on the back of the bus and then immediately super loud. And yelling at everybody to move back. He's all of a sudden like the corporal of the bus. Like, everybody move to the back. It's Keanu Reeves.

Just horrible. And speed. Speed. The new speed. Now, these are two old dudes. Keanu's on. And speed. Speed. The new speed. Now, these are two old dudes. Kiona's on some hard times. They're like, in there, they are either a very, very hard-living 40 or a very hard-living 60. But they're tough-looking dudes.

So they're like an older, what's the word, rubby? They're like a rubby. looking dude so they're like like an older what's the word rubby like a rubby so i i finally get like over the course of the bus ride i make it to the back and the guy looks at me and says you know there's like a thing that the the bus driver could flip on that says please move to the back of the bus just like like a recorded voice. Yeah. And so he flipped that on because there was more and more people getting on. And the guy looks directly at me. This was on a Saturday, right?

Yeah, Saturday afternoon. These guys are piss tanked by four. Uh-huh. And he looks at me and goes, maybe they'd respond if it was in Chinese. Ooh. And I just said right back to him, I said, don't need to be racist. And then he stood up and he said, shut the fuck up. And I was like, oh, oh no. Oh no. Because then, as soon as he stood up,

I got like a little adrenaline blast. And then I realized I gotta go to the bathroom. I haven't gone to the bathroom for two hours. I need to go to the bathroom really, really bad. I thought that was your adrenaline blast. And then I realized my pants were soaked. But I was like, I've never, in that instant, I've never had to go to the bathroom more.

And it was like my brain literally said, like, in very, like, it was like, do not do anything. We cannot hold. Like, we're at maximum birth it was you know what there would be a complete shift to if you pissed yourself you would be the bad guy yeah yeah yes i think totally switch places so he stood up and he said shut up shut up and fuck you and then i said there's a kid here so shut up and he he realized there a kid here and then i think in a second he realized he was being a monster right i think he saw the kids drawing in a coloring book and being like oh and he realized it and i tapped

him on the shoulder i said hey hey hey the kid the kid or the no the guy i said hey hey nobody's getting in a fight and then he sat down and kind of grumbled like good it's a good thing i'm in a good mood today yeah yeah and i was like yeah yeah of course of course you would have guy and the kid was the kid was like leave me out exactly i wanted to see you fight i'm not in this for your revolution so and then i uh looked around i was like oh none of you had my back at all yeah you all would have just seen the uh these two rubbies just grinding into a paste sounds very english yeah it really does yeah jekensian so that was that was yeah man's fight or flight or pee honestly i've just like i've had you know where you've been like at a concert or something there's only porta potters and you have to wait

in line a long time but this was this was more and sudden. I didn't have to go to the bathroom. And then I did. What's the most you've ever had to go? I have pissed in traffic in a bottle before. I was in a car. It was in heavy traffic on the M1. Oh, yeah, absolutely. On the M1.

On the main road. In Britain, in my trusty Ford Escort. And, yeah, I had to piss so bad and there was nowhere I could get and we were just sitting there and I started pissing in this coke bottle and a lady walked past my window I was like

what is she doing she just walked past my window, the window was down she was your high school teacher she was the girl from Victoria she was just like, ew Whitehead I always knew that Whitehead would end up peeing in a bottle

Here's a valentine All the high school kids come around Peeing in a bottle Coke bottle, was that enough? It was enough, yeah Oh, it was a big It was a big It was in a dumb and dumber situation.

A two liter Coke bottle. And you just fell out. It's pretty hard to maneuver the head of the penis. Oh, that's what I say all the time. I didn't have a funnel. I might as well have that as a tattoo. I don't have a funnel system or anything like that. It's pretty hard to maneuver the end of the penis.

Yeah, absolutely. Oh, man. You're preaching to the choir. Yeah, pretty proud moment. I'm glad I shared that with everybody. That's pretty awesome. My smoothness

of my high school revenge story. You didn't want to share that either. I've countered it with pissing in a bottle and being caught up by some old lady.

Oh, Lordy. Well, maybe we should move on to some business? Business. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor.

You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take care of business. Happy summer, everybody. Griffin McElroy here, the youngest of the McElroy brothers. I'm Travis McElroy, the middle-est brother. And I'm beloved performer Jimmy Buffett. He is not.

But we do do a podcast together called My Brother and My Brother and Me. It's a comedy advice show. You can find it at mbmbam.com, maximumfun.org, or just search for it on iTunes. I love you, Sacramento! You're not even on a stage. Griffin, or just search for it on iTunes. I love you, Sacramento. You're not, you're not even on a stage. Griffin. Are you watching the shrimp?

They're beginning to boil. So join us this summer as we waste an hour of your life that you'll never get back ever again. You know, I know something about wasting away again in Margaritaville. I'm beloved. I know you are. This is Jesse Thorne, proprietor of MaximumFun.org

and host of International Waters. International Waters pits a team of comedians in London against a team of comedians here in L.A. over several rounds of very stupid pop culture questions and games.

The points don't matter. The funny does. And every once in a while you'll see a Rube or a Rustic tuck the tablecloth into their pants and stand up and ruin everyone's evening. That's someone who never went to a practice restaurant. So join me and the best comedians in the English-speaking world for International Waters.

Go to MaximumFun.org or look for us in the iTunes store. Business. Now, this is a Jumbotron message. And if anybody out there wants to send a Jumbotron message to their loved one or their hated one, oh yeah, send a hate message. We haven't gotten enough of those. Like, hey. Hey, you suck. Hey, you didn't kiss me in high school.

Well, guess what's going to happen? Yeah. I'm going to pee in a bottle and throw it on you. But this is, if you want to send one of these Jumbotron messages, it's jumbotron at maximumfun.org. You shouldn't do that. No, Dave, tell me what it is. You should go to maximumfun.org. Slash Jumbotron.

Yep. Yeah, I knew it was one or the other. It's okay. We're almost 300 episodes in. Now, this message is for Eric from Tyann. Or Tian. Or Tian. Tian. Or Tianny shouldn't now this is this is a message uh it basically goes something like this two thanksgivings ago uh-huh we i guess uh tian and eric not you and i no we didn't okay from from here on out, Graham is reading as Tian.

Hello, I'm Tian. Jun. To Thanksgiving's ago. I don't know what, wait. That's racist. No, it isn't. I'm just working through the character. I'm like Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-DeVito.

Refer to me only as Tian from now on. Okay, Tian. No, it's Tian. It's Tian. Jun. To Thanksgiving's ago, we united against the forces of evil. I couldn't be happier. Here's to another Thanksgiving full of delicious food and regretting that we ate far too much.

You are pretty great in my book. Pretty much the grossest I know. I love it when crazy people find each other. It really warms my heart. We united against the forces of evil. It sounds like you were both wearing one slipper each in your nightgowns outside the hospital ward. Look at you! Are the evil people after you too?

Let's join forces! It also sounds like something legitimate superheroes would say but like like but at the end of a thing of a superhero movie where like they had a joke about how they were normal people but they're really super yeah yeah yeah only this is a real person well yeah of course it's a real person yeah this is eric and tian so anyway happy thanksgiving i don't want to get into it. Yeah, but, you know, it's safe to assume they were minorities. They obviously. No, it was probably, you know, bad Thanksgiving people. Do you have a Justin Bieber phone case?

Yeah, absolutely. You got to believe. He's your countryman. I'll see you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now let's move on to Overheardards let's do it overheard now overheards uh segment in which uh out in the world listening in on people sometimes it's you you're just bored you're listening in and other times it's just people are being so loud you can't help but listen in uh now we always

like to start with the guest okay are you is that are you comfortable i am comfortable all right uh i because i think i told you i've usually said that this was on twitter and i didn't look on really good one right so you didn't look yeah so i twittered i did a twitter feed as soon as it happened because i i was almost crying with laughter i don't even know why but i was but it happened when I was in that poutinerie that I talk of. Oh, yeah, delicious. You went to Smokes?

So it was called The Poutinerie. Oh, where was it? Do you know where the Comfort Inn is downtown? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was staying at the Comfort Inn, so it's the one just down the road from us. I think that's actually called Smokes Poutinerie. Oh, okay.

You gotta go to the Belle Patate while you're in town. It was a mistake to go there. Here are the called smokes poutine. Oh, okay. You gotta go to the Bell Patas. It was a mistake to go there. I have never left with such an anchor of food. You could kill somebody with a takeaway. You should, though. You buy mostly yourself. Don't do it. But I literally, as I walked into the poutine, there was a couple walking out and she looked miserable

and he was holding the bag of poutine and he literally said, fine, if I buy you a McRib, will you shut the hell up? I just thought this is awesome. She's obviously been bitching to him. Why do we have to have poutine all the time?

I want to try a McRib. What are we, on a diet? I want to try a McRib. What are we, on a diet? I want to have a McRib. That's my birthday. Part of the bad thing about being sick is like, I see the McRib. I want to eat the McRib, but I don't want to tempt fate. But didn't your doctor say to load up a McRib?

He did say, you're missing a rib. A McRib. He said you're. Now that's a good commercial campaign. And he produces it, smiles. It says Adam, or Eve is made out of one of Adam's ribs, right? And Adam Levine is made out of McRibs. We made it.

Dave, do you have it overheard? He's not that tasty. Here's thing oh yes he is but he's that saucy um i do have a uh mcrib i mean an overseen uh my overheard is an overseen yeah uh this was a sign someone posted on a few polls in my neighborhood and um it seems to be from a child who has set up a company and the name of the company is fixing computer company what do they do uh well i believe they fix computers there's a little uh picture of a drawing of a computer with the name Jimmy on the screen. Wait, is it a hand-drawn?

It's the best scam ever. Yeah. It's just a little hand-drawn thing. It looks like crayon. Just black crayon, though. Or, I guess, photocopies. No computers were harmed in this computer fixing. Wow, this kid's got a dream.

Did you bring your computer? I think the NSA is spying on me. Fix it! I was really good at... I could plug a USB key in. I know how to get to YouTube. And then a phone number to call, and

then their slogan, in quotes, we do the best work of computers. Then their slogan, in quotes, we do the best work of computers. Oh, man. We're laughing now, but that kid's going to be the next Zuckerberg. Yeah. No, I think that kid's going to be all right. What did you say?

You think he's going to be the next poor kid? I thought you said porn kid. Yes, he's going to be the next porn kid. But I just meant, like, hopefully a porn magnet. Maybe that's why his computer's broken yeah yeah it's all one elaborate scam you bring over a computer to fix it and then they just take your computer and replace it with a broken one here's your computer back well this looks different we upgraded we fixed it we fixed it right uh we work from computer what is it we we do the best work of computers

um now my uh mine is also an over scene uh is a some bathroom graffiti uh-huh from uh a uh host a show at the havana on commercial drive and that is now moving to weekly in december this is correct every monday night in december or every monday night from here on out The Havana on Commercial Drive. And that is now moving to weekly in December. This is correct. Every Monday night in December, or every Monday night from here on out, starting in December. That's right. At 9 o'clock at the Havana on Commercial Drive. Look at this plug. Come see the Laugh Gallery, hosted by yours truly, not me, Grail.

But this, I think, is new graffiti on the bathroom wall. And I took a photo of it. And it just says right next to the toilet, that's hobo style. Which, from the theme song of The Littlest Hobo. Yeah, that's Gangdom style. Do you know that from the theme song? Just grab your hat, we'll travel late. Wait, wait, wait, wait. That's hobo style. That's hobo style. Do you know that from the theme song? Just grab your hat, we'll travel late. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's hobo style. That's hobo style. Yeah. Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on. That hasn't traveled overseas. No, but that was my first Edinburgh show. I did an Edinburgh show called The Immigrant at the Edinburgh Festival and that was the theme song and I came on with a hobo bag as the whole bag made of a hockey stick and I ran name on the hockey stick was

immigrant and that's the name of the show and that did people that song because it's a it's a jazzy tune the Lillis great song they get it was a hit it was massive it four stars four and It was a massive hit. Four stars? Four and a half stars? Yeah. Four and a half stars. Electric, they said. See him now.

Yeah, that song. Still, tears. They start welling up when they hear that song. They don't make good theme songs anymore, do they? I thought you were going to start talking

like the computer kid. We don't make the best songs of television. Like theme songs you're talking about? What's the last good theme song? You usually have to add your own lyrics. Yeah, it's all like... Game of Thrones and stuff.

Yeah, you gotta make it up. Lost didn't have anything. Breaking Bad is just two slide guitar things. But then I watched Orange is the New Black and that theme song... Everybody's in the prison. Everybody's in the prison now.

Everybody's wearing orange. It's the new black. That theme song, it's a whole song. It's like a song-length song. They played it before every episode. The guy who... The guy.

The creator of that show did Weeds. Yeah. And that had a song. That had that Little Boxes song. Yeah, Little Boxes on the hillside. Which weirdly went away. Because they were doing... Because it was quite cool.

In the second season of Weeds, they got different artists to sing their own rendition of Little Boxes. On the hillside. And then at some point in the third season, they ran out of artists. Yeah, they ran out. People stopped watching. It wasn't cool anymore.

But that was like The Wire did that, right? It was every season with a different version of it. Deep Down in the Well or something like that. Way Down in the Hole. And then someone throwing a rock at a camera. If you walk through the garden. What rendition was that?

It was a little hobo. Season 6. Never heard. Now we also have overheards that have been sent in to us. Wake up in the morning. Fear in the morning. feelings are in something. I got to give you an English overheard before you do this. Oh, please. It's the best one.

But this happened to me about three years ago. And I don't know how much it's evolved in my head, but this is literally what happened. I was hanging out with some comedians and some girls walked past us. And one of them literally said to the other, like, no, Jenny, it doesn't mean that you're a slut just because you don't know who the father is. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Oh, my new favorite show. It just means you're bad at keeping track of things.

Don't be a slut. My new favorite show, forget about these extreme cheats. No, Dave, I can't. I saw it this morning. It's called Paternity Court. And it's basically, it's just. It's called paternity court. And it's basically... I almost want to get sick. I need to fall ill.

I'll drop you a line. As soon as next time I fall ill, you are going to be my guide through the television ether. I can't see series recording paternity court. I can't see series recording Paternity court It's basically Those Maury Povich episodes Of like you are not the father You are the father

But in a courtroom In a courtroom setting where There are Is there a wacky judge Is it like one up on Judge Judy Is there a bailiff just holding Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like one up on Judge Judy? Is there a bailiff just holding the baby? Yeah, and they hold them out like, oh, you are the father?

No, you're not. Yeah. And then they chuck them. Your Honor, objection. Somebody made it stinky. In the dumpster. Now, like I said, we have overheards sent in to us. So they sent in into us yeah if you want to do the same what lovely listeners absolutely some of the best in the world

if you want to be uh like one of these people for your guys's entertainment good people uh you can send them into spy at maximumfund.org uh this one is from laura c in montreal uh my boyfriend and i were in line at jfl 42 uh this is sorry this is in montreal this is in toronto okay this is a comedy festival yes uh so yeah it's not like UFC. Yeah. By the way, he said, JFL 42. We were in line for it. I was so hyped. Simpson versus Fernandez. Yeah.

I placed a lot of money on Simpson. I would fight his ass. How disappointed would you be thinking you're going to watch some ultimate fighting? And it's just. And some dirtbag comes out and starts talking about his cock. You're like, oh, that guy looks too doughy. He's going to lose. Why is he talking so much?

I wish more Ultimate Fighters talked about their cocks. Don't worry. But you know what? You don't want to give your opponent any ammunition. You don't want them to know anything about it. Maybe that should be the extra round. I have an insult round. Your cock is so small.

Your cock is so strange. So these two people are in lineup for comedian Anthony Jeselnik's show. As we're standing there, a group of 20-something guys walk by. Commenting on the length of the line, one of the guys remarked, look at this line. You think it was Andrew Dice Clay or something.

Wow. Great. He's still the golden standard when it comes to selling at a venue. That's the last gig that that guy went to. He, man, I'd love to go back. That's the last gig that that guy went to. He went and saw Dice in the 80s. Yeah. And he's just been sitting in his fucking living room watching repeats of it.

Just smoking. Just wearing that crazy jacket. All right, I'll give this Jeslyn Nick guy a shot. Oh, what? This guy's like another Dice. Wouldn't you love to go back in time and wait in line for dice clay? Wasn't there a thing? I would.

I know, but just the lineup. You know what? I was going to try to contradict you there, and I was going to go, no, there's a million other things I'd go back in time for. I mean, if I had a time machine, I'd try to- You know what? That'd be good. If I could go do it now, and if I could just come back here and tell you guys what it was

like- Oh, it would smell so weird. If I had a time machine, I would like to go back and wait in all the classic lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'd like to go back to communist Russia, wait in line for bread. Wait in line for a taping of whose line is it anyway? I'd like to smoke on an airplane. I would like to smoke on an airplane and just look at people.

Is there a line involved? This isn't bugging. You're kidding me? We're doing this. Then I'd like to go back in a line for Andrew Dice Clay. Now, this next one comes from. I think the three of us don't deserve a time machine. Yeah, no, absolutely.

I'm six in line for the time machine. I'd love to line up for a time machine. Yeah, no, absolutely. I'm six in line for the time machine. Oh, I'd love to line up for a time machine. Oh, boy. Just thinking about it makes me want someone to save my space for me while I go buy magazines. Now, this one comes from Elena B. I hope there's a wristband situation. Fairfax, Virginia. I was at a concert in Madison, Wisconsin.

I overheard- Madison Square Garden? No, no. Madison, Wisconsin. Oh, okay. I overheard a very drunk guy trying to comfort his very distraught drunk girlfriend saying, she's just jealous. She's jealous because you do a better chewbacca

impersonation than her awesome yeah yeah you shouldn't have busted it out so early at the part single well no no this this boyfriend is girl so uh your your dating profile would say interested in cars car driving everywhere two car owner I'm a double car, double continent owner A car on every continent My last girlfriend she'd never seen Star Wars

and what a pitiful experience it was because I thought it was going to be exciting because I thought she was pretty cool. Was she seven? Get along great. Because that's the only time it's great. Is it really? No, Star Wars is great. But I don't think it's great the first time. Okay, well she's

29 years old and we sit down and watch Star Wars and about two minutes in she just turned to me and went, if this wasn't famous I would have turned it off by now and i was and it was an uphill battle she didn't even realize it was harrison ford either like i went halfway through the film she went harrison ford i was like yes what the fuck is wrong with you did she also not realize i'm leaving britain that you were excited by this uh watching this

together and that she should have just been amenable instead of being a bitch about it and just have been like oh this is a thing you like i will watch it and just if i don't like it i'll keep it to myself where are these women that you speak of oh they're everywhere or i'll fall asleep yeah that be cute. That's not too rude. No, but also, just watch a thing. I've watched a lot of movies in the name of love that I had no interest in watching. I watch them start to finish and then complain about it to somebody else later. Not to the person who loves this movie.

That's what I'm doing with you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, babe. Yeah, yeah, you're right. But I can't believe that she just turned around right away and was like stinkaroo. Two robots in a desert. Is that Harrison Ford? No, it's C-3PO.

Is that Harrison Ford? That's the Death Star. Where's Harrison Ford? Well, you know what? Better off without her. Fuck her. Yeah. Fuck her. Yeah. Is she single now? You know if she's seeing anyone?

I don't know. What's her policy of kissing a dancer? Yeah. Is she into podcasters? She wouldn't get. You can ask her on a movie date. She couldn't even. How long into the first Star Wars did she say she would return on? Wait, did you watch the first Star Wars did she say she would turn wait did you watch

the first star wars or like the proper like our first star wars okay so the phantom menace 79 is it or whatever yeah but she yeah how soon did she say this was boring i want to turn it you know what it is what was her favorite movie ah there's a good question it's but you know what that's a good question. But you know what? That's how good a listener I clearly am. I've got a wealth of material about her. Then you remember back to shutting off her favorite movie ten seconds in. Stingeroon.

No thanks. What happens in the first two minutes of Star Wars? Is it in the desert? No, they raid the ship. Darth and his troops. And Leia packs R2 with a message. And they shoot him off in a shuttle. And the guys are scanning the shuttle.

There's no life forms on the shuttle. Boring. All right, I'm not going on a date with you, fucker. No, come on. Give him one chance. I'm easy. We'll watch Spaceballs instead. Oh, I don't get that at all.

Occasionally you meet somebody who saw Spaceballs before they saw Star Wars. I love those people. They are like my favorite people because they were watching. So they saw Pizza the Hot and they saw John Candy dressed as a dog and stuff. And then when they see Star Wars, they're like, what the fuck is this? How did they tell they ripped off the Schwartz? If you're out there, any of your listeners, if you saw them in that order, I'd like to hear from you. How do they get in touch with you?

What's the easiest way to get in touch with you? Well, on Twitter, JJ Whitesnake on Twitter. JJ Whitesnake. Drop me a line and tell me how John Candy formed your life. Well, no, because I feel like there were a lot of Weird Al songs that I knew before I knew the original. There's definitely a ton of

Simpsons things that I saw on the Simpsons and then I saw the movie that that joke was based on and I was like, oh, my little Simpsons. When we were kids, we used to do lip-syncing videos or whatever for my parents for Christmas. And my brother... Yeah, we all send videos to your parents.

My brother did Weird Al's La La La La Lasagna. Why not? And I still remember it quite vividly, his lasagna performance, and I had not heard La La remember it quite vividly. His lasagna performance. And I had not heard La La La Bomba yet. Mom, I need you to make me a lasagna for my video this year. My brother was awesome. Yeah.

Well, but, you know, it's as... I did Money for Nothing. Oh, what was the Money for Nothing Weird Al version? Oh, the Beverly Hillbillies one? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, there's nothing that Weird Al. Beverly Hillbillies. Good work, Dave.

This last one comes from Thomas P. in Salt Lake City, Utah. And this is my wife and I. We were in the checkout line at a craft store, and a woman and her three-year-old daughter are talking. The mother was at the register, and the daughter was transfixed by the line of impulse-buy goods. She grabbed a Disney princess purse-like thing and held it over her head. grabbed a Disney princess purse-like thing, and held it over her head. Bear in mind that the shouting that is about to occur was not angry, just meant to be heard over the impossibly long distance of the checkout line.

So this is a little girl shouting, Mom, Mom, can I have this? Mother, no, sweetie, come on back. Mom, can I have this? Can I have this for my birthday? Mom, what? For my birthday! Can I have this for my birthday? Mom, what? For my birthday. Can I have this for my birthday? Sure.

Come on. Now, come on back. The little girl looks at the purse, puts it back nicely, and stands staring at it for a moment. And then the little girl, softly to herself, I'm going to have this for my birthday. Pretty cute. Yeah, pretty cute yeah pretty cute so the kid aww bless kid'll forget about it

in the car on the way home and we'll never mention it again so the mother played a good hand there yeah yes you can have it for your birthday your birthday changes every year yeah or like

yeah no the mother will remember get it for the girl and the girl like what the fuck is this yeah but or are the kiddos when did i want this kiddos just go yay dad where's my real present in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 206-339-8328 too confident i know i'm one of those guys who can't clap with the number not always but when he does it really screws me up uh here are these phone calls hi dave graham and guest um i work in a hospital and i was in the uh cafeteria eating lunch the other day um and there was a mom and a small child maybe five six uh sitting eating lunch together uh together. And the small child had a coloring book.

And the mom said, do you want to color the sky blue? And the little boy said, no. And the mom said, do you want to use the purple crayon? And the little boy said, no. want to use the purple crayon? And the little boy said, no. And the mom said, do you want to color the dinosaur? The little boy said, no. And the mom said, well, what do you want to do? And the little boy said, I only want to ruin your life. Oh, man. It's not hard.

Yeah, what do you want to do with your life? You want to ruin your life? Yeah, I was put on this planet just to ruin everything about you. Oh, wow. I like it. Kid's very, uh, too self-aware. Kid knows too much. Yeah, there's a friend of mine who picked me up at the airport when I showed up in town, I hadn't seen him

for ages, but he's had two kids in the back seat, and one of them likes superheroes. And I asked the other one if he likes superheroes, and he said, no, I only like money, and I want to be rich. And that kid grew up to be Donald Trump? That's how I met him. That's so great. That a kid's just like, I've already... The other kid wants to be Batman.

Batman's not rich. I want to be rich. Yeah, Batman's cool, but you know what's really cool? A billion Batmans. Who is... Have they ever figured that out? Bruce Wayne. They figured it out.

You're on top of it. Who's richer, Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark? Did they ever do a... I'm sure that a real bored... There must have been some blogger who went back and looked it up. Someone who had a deadline.

It's gotta be Tony Stark, doesn't it? Or does it have to be Bruce Wayne? Tony Stark's an arms dealer, really. Wasn't Bruce Wayne? And plus if Batman was... Why doesn't he have fucking jet propulsion? Tony Stark's just got a better

imagination. Oh god, I'm not having this conversation. Wait, wait, wait. Tony Stark is definitely smarter But Here's the thing I've seen the movies I don't care about the comic books

Tony Stark is Was the point guard for the New York Knicks They both deal arms Only one of them lives in a real city. So does that. Where does Tony Stark live? New York. Not in the movies.

He lives in LA. No, the latest one, he was in New York. Oh, I'm not seeing that. You haven't seen The Avengers? No. Oh, it's Hulk gets in there? Yeah, no, I know who's in it. Hulk has a... He smashes. Do you know that about know who's in it. Hulk, uh, Hulk has a...

He smashes. Do you know that about Hulk? He smashes some stuff. No, he smash. No, you're right, he smash. Captain America is there. Oh, yeah! Captain America's in it. Okay, describe me this movie. Well, they're called The Avengers. Okay. Is it at the drive-in?

It is available at drive-ins at your local drive-in. If you've got one. Look, it's Tony Stark. Oh, Tony Stark, my favorite character. Captain America, the mummy. Popeye. Popeye.

The Muppet Babies. The Muppet Babies. And Mighty Mouse. Yeah, Mighty Mouse and the Brave Little Toaster. And Laverne from Laverne and Shirley for some reason. Little Archie's in there. Garfield. He doesn't do much.

Here's your next phone call. Pretty good movie. Hey, Dave Graham. This guy also sounds like a robot. This is Michael from New Hampshire with an overheard. This comes from my five-year-old son who's been currently making his own jokes, writing his own material, because he's no hack. The other night at the kitchen table, he came up with this doozy. He said, what did the underwear say to the penis?

Happy peeing. What? Happy peeing? What did the underwear say to the penis happy peeing yes well appropriate could we have i i don't get it could our caller please call from worse telephones? Yeah, can you... What we need is everybody... If you have an iPhone, dig a hole. Put your iPhone down in a hole. Then dial us.

Then make a wish. I think these are all burner cell phones. I think these are all... Drug dealers. Yeah, out in front of a Pollo Brothers or whatever. What are they called? Pollo Loco? Not a Pollo Loco.

Why? Pollo Hermanos. Yes. Pollo Brothers. The chicken. But yeah. Hermanos. That was fun. Be peeing. That's a pretty good joke. Happy peeing.

Yeah. Really? No, I mean, yes. Well done. Well done, kids. Well done. Now, do we have one more? Oh, yeah, we do. I thought we wanted to talk about the happy peeing for another ten minutes.

Hello, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Satima from Vancouver, B.C., calling in with an overheard. I was having coffee outside a coffee shop, and I was sharing a table with an older lady and her dachshund dog, otherwise known as a hot dog, and these two low-looking dudes came up wearing like Ed Hardy T-shirts, the friction T-shirts, the spike pair, and horrible necklaces, the whole look, right? And then one of them came by and stared at the dog stretching and said in a very uncharacteristic voice,

Ooh, dog yoga. Dog yoga? Yeah. This week it does sound like the phone calls came through a Nintendo. But is there something? Is it a systematic? It might be a systematic failure. Yeah.

But still. Do you think it's sounding right on the other end? I don't know. I don't know. I don but still. Do you think it's sounding right on the other end? I don't know. I don't know. It could be robots. I don't want to say. But that's Fatima. I know her.

She's a local comedian. Very funny lady. It could be any Fatima. I met Fatima the other night. There you go. See? Two for two. Dave, what are your thoughts on Fatima? I know ten Fatimas. Ten local Fatimas.

There's a good female comedian crew here. Yeah. Yeah, well, we won't have any of them on the show. Yeah, no, we, you know, it's bronze before glows. Glorious ladies of words. Is that what they are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Glorious ladies of words. Is that what they are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Glorious ladies of wit.

Oh, that would actually be a great name for an all-ladies comedy show. Why aren't I in charge of... I think it's gorgeous ladies of wrestling. What did I say? Glorious. Yeah, well, I'm not... Ladies of words. Yeah.

Glorious. Glorious. Glory isn't skin deep. exactly that's what i'm about but gorgeousness is yeah but you know what glory less and gory blast thanks uh now that brings us to the end of this uh here show uh now jj yeah we already know you're on twitter at jj white snake yeah where where else can people because you're you're going already know you're on Twitter at JJWhitesnake. Yeah, where else can people... Because you're going on tour. You're going back to the UK.

Yeah, I'll go back to LA next week. Victoria next week, then back to LA, and then the UK in January. When you're in Victoria... You think that girl's going to be there? Yeah, what do you think? She has already... Okay. Yeah.

She has already what? Contacted's already what uh sent me a mess yeah but you know i'm playing it cool yeah i've moved on since my uh dance hall high school days yeah me too not at all no yeah i go back to my high school every day and dance just waiting for that janitor i had sex with but he's dead he's gonna come back he's like andy kaufman uh now where can people uh find find where you're going you sexed him to death happy peeing over here You sexed him to death.

Happy peeing over here. He's a happy man. Absolutely. Well, why wouldn't you be? Now, where can people find out about your tours, what you're doing, all that kind of stuff? Google. Google. Do the Google box thing so if you live in a city just go to google.com

i'm uh i'm currently not on a website i've got a new website coming there's an there is an old website um so but jj whitehead um i think it's jj whitehead.com i believe actually that website is still you know what you probably post stuff on your twitter I think it's JJWhitehead.com I believe it's Google yeah actually that website is still you know what you probably post stuff

on your Twitter until the new one comes yeah yeah just type in JJ you'll get you you might get J. Jonah Jameson there's also

some guy that made the Star Trek movie yeah oh yeah J. J. Abrams yeah Abrams nice thing

you play with like that uh thanks for being our guest hey man thanks for thanks for

having me it's a pleasure um and uh do we have anything else we have to

uh when's this come out this comes out on the 25th ish um on my album

on itunes yeah what see now come on the last week of november is jj whitehead album week intoxicated and the uh intoxicated yeah what see now come on the last week of November is J.J. Whitehead

album week there's Intoxicated and the Intoxicated yeah yeah and it's on iTunes yeah it's on iTunes

okay it's just been on iTunes last week well that's new yeah it's new on iTunes and it's gonna be on my new website you stink at this self promotion

I do I'm really terrible where can I find you? I'm really terrible. See what that drums up to? I like being a surprise. Skype? What's your Skype number?

And I have two cars. If you can find my car. I can't shake a stick at two cars. I'll give you a free DVD. Really? Oh, really? Queue up to my car. That's a good contest.

No, I don't think we have anything to plug. Not really. But it's been fantastic to have you. Really fun, man. Yeah, thank you. And thank you for the skeleton puzzle. Oh, do you enjoy putting it together and then the taste of victory? These guys have the best party bags.

Yeah. Yeah. They're going to have a great, what do you call them, loot bags?. These guys have the best party bags. They can have a great... Do you call them loot bags? Yeah, absolutely. Or goodie bags? I'll go either way. Sure.

Yeah. I'll call them a happy peeing fiesta. Now, if you like the show... You didn't like happy peeing? No, I loved it. Everything about it. I brought it up so many times. Happy peeing.

See, when you say it like that, it's really good. Happy peeing. Thanks, when you say it like that, it's really good. Happy peeing. Thanks, underwear. No problem. Is there a penis? We've missed. What if the dad is at home going, you don't get it, man. What did the, oh boy.

Scrotum. What did the Speedo say to the penis? Oh, what? European. Ah, yeah. If you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week

that accompanies the podcast, pictures and video relating to the content. This here episode, I can't even imagine what'll be on it. Oh boy, probably what did we talk about? Oh, Cheapskates. Cheapskates or that paternity show. Yeah.

You are pregnant. They should do a maternity version. Of what? That show, like finding out who the mother is. What? I'm confused. Oh, I get it. Dave, I get it now. And

if you like our... Oh yeah, we'll put up some pictures of rubbies. Yeah. Well, we'll see what google has to say on our website judge the rubby yeah it'll just be joe pesci and daniel stern from home alone that's exactly oh that's the perfect example of rubbies um if you like the show please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.