Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 299 - Lynn Shawcroft

Episode Date: December 10, 2013

Comedian Lynn Shawcroft joins us to talk dentists, Febreze marketing, and magicians.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 299 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's drinking something called analog beer. And when I look at it, it makes me think of my aunt, Ann Logue, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah.

I bet you must think that anytime you... Not until right now when I've been looking at this. Is that a Canadian spelling with the G-U-E? I think it might be. A-N-A L-O-U No, L-O-G-U-E. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's not how you would spell it on a microphone or something, would you?

An analog. Just a log. Just a log. L-O-G. Oh, that reminds me of my aunt. Anna Log. Aunt on a log. And our guest today... Who said something? I didn't hear it. I Anna Log. And our guest today. Who said something? I didn't hear it. I was talking.

Well, I said something about Kylie Minogue. Drinks those and uses Anna Log. Yeah. I don't know. Fine. Or her fucking sister. No, you can swear. Don't swear about the Minogue sisters.

Yeah, no, that's true. Kylie or Danny. They are off the table for the rest of the podcast. Swear. Swear. Our guest today, very funny lady. All around great lady. Thank you.

Visiting or returning. Yes. Vancouverite Canadian. Miss Lynn Shawcroft is our guest. Hello, how are you? And thanks for having me. Thanks for coming on the show. I was saying to the audience. Yo, yes.

The Royal Week. No, I'm so happy to be here. This is great. Thank you. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Now, you're in town visiting. Yes. I am originally from Canada and I left and went.

No, that was a joke. I live in the States, Los Angeles, now California. And my sister lives up here in Port Moody, which is a suburb of Vancouver. Mm-hmm. Pomo. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It is Pomo.

Yes. It's named after Porymovich. When you decided to leave Canada, what was the impetus? Oh, gosh. I don't know. It was a long time ago. The crack. No, I'm not going to bring it up.

All right. Oh, it was quite a while ago. Oh, I got married to a yank, and I was going down. I was doing stand-up comedy, and I was going down to Los Angeles every once in a while to sleep on someone's couch you were saying you traveled down to Costa Rica and you were like on

$70 in your pocket well in my early 20s I went to university I've never really known what's going on in life but I know everything but nothing do any of us I went to university in London, Ontario and then I was like really known what's going on in life but i but i know everything but do any of us yeah man so anyway i went to university in london ontario and then i was like gonna live there and then

i lived in whistler what did you take in university i took english okay did you finish i don't know yeah i went for a while i don't know for long enough i went for long enough did you go to a diploma? I graduated from university. I didn't go to no ceremony. Where did you go? What did you take? I was in your class.

Oh, yeah. Mr. Shakespeare. I went to the University of Victoria. Oh, really? Where I took political science. I feel like he had to ride a horse, clippity-clop, and carry a basket to the science. I feel like he had to, like, ride a horse, clippity-clop, and carry a basket to that university. I don't know why.

No, yeah, it was very quaint. It was an equestrian university. What is political science? You know what I mean? People say I'm in poli-sci. Poli-sci is political science, so does that help? Oh, that's what it is. It's the study of power, man.

Oh, did you learn like the 12 things to gain power over your friends? Yeah, it was mostly Machiavelli. To dominate every relationship We learned how to win friends, influence people, fake your own death. I've taken poli-sci online. Yeah.

What are the 12 steps to winning influence over your first night? Honestly, what would you sum up, like, what would you sum up the degree of poli-sci really as? It's, like, you study a sort of... Do you study political events like the Bay of Pigs? No, no. political events like the bay of pigs no no you would study like uh electoral systems uh and how the uh power is sort of um like how people vote right basically and then how uh you know the people's votes are translated into a government and then what the government does to represent the people uh did you write your dissertation on rocking the vote? Was the last year called It's All an Illusion?

Yeah. Is it weird? Is it just like weird things? They give you a bunch of peyote and a copy of Use Your Illusion 2 and send you out to the dead. They send you out to the Victoria waterfront where you play your bands. And what do you and why are you a political scientist now? No.

That was like those courses were the I feel like you could sort of fake your way through it the easiest. And you could like I could feel like you could take a course for a while

and sort of think it's English class or something or literature. Because it's like... You could totally trick yourself. But in the whole time you didn't study, like, say, for example, Roman leadership does this. No. We didn't. We were pretty contemporary. Roman leadership's really right, eh?

Yeah. The professor showed up in sandals. Who am I? Did you have a fake vote? There was a model UN. Oh, who are you? What country? Oh, I didn't join it.

A lot of my friends were in it, and they had to... Create society? They had to do a lot of work. They played risk. The payoff was you got to go to New York for a week. Oh, that's pretty good. But it was like so much work. And then I remember someone.

You're like, you could have just gotten a part-time job. You're like, oh, you had to go to class. I remember someone. It was in addition to class. And then someone, I believe, forgot to submit their application to go to the real UN. Don't. Oh my god.

Someone drowned a bunch of puppies. No. At the last minute, they realized, oh, we never heard back from the UN. And so they called them up and they were like, oh, they didn't get our application. We have to be Antigua and Barbuda. Barbuda.

Barbuda? Not even Barbados. You know when you ever watch a movie and it's all about getting the case of money, but then they lose the case of money? Yeah. It's too much. Or like you're watching a movie and there's a beautiful Christmas tree and the squirrel gets in and breaks down the Christmas tree. And you're like, you can't get over that as the movie goes on? Oh, the Christmas tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's just... It's like it's ruined. Now the application. Yeah. Cool. Okay. Do we have to start again?

No. Yes, we do. Okay. I revealed too much. I'm not the one on trial here. You peeled the onion of the polysaccharide. What is next? I revealed too much. I'm not the one on trial here. You peeled the onion of the polysoph. What is next? There were a couple of things.

Before the show, I'll let the listeners know, you brought up 50 topics. All of them great. But then you stopped and said, I'll save that for the show. I've never done homework in my life. My parents, I can't say neglected, but maybe just I know, but because I'm not usually like that. I've never done homework in my life. My parents, I can't say

neglected, but maybe just I didn't know that I existed because I don't know how to do homework or write things down or put things in things. How many siblings do you have? At one time, three and another time, five. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So, but a bustling,

a busy household. After the rheumatoid. No, but anyway, so when I'm saying But a bustling, a busy household. After the rheumatoid. No. No, like, yeah. But anyway, as a youngist, so when I'm saying let's save it, like, in a weird way, we were talking about the kitchen. In a weird way, I thought, oh, they'll be able to make that into a podcast. But there was no mic. Okay.

Well, one of the things you brought up before was that you had imagined what the recording process would be like. Yes. So you had a vision. I had a vision. Okay, so just before I came here, I've been very excited. They asked me to do it. I think they're great. So before I came here and I was having a shower.

You think you're great? Thank you so much. Come on now. I hadn't showered for about 10 days. I jumped in the shower at about 5 o'clock, and I was thinking— Is this the entire time you were in Port Moody you haven't showered? No, I haven't showered since I was in another country. Whoa, you brought other country dirt.

I wish it was December 1st, because I'd say last month. Do you remember in the year 2000, people were like, see you next century, man? I was like, I'll kill you. See you next millennium. Oh, yeah. Yes. Like, when people were like, see you next year, I was like, if I had to brace myself for see you next millennium.

And it was 1997, and you were like, where are you going? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Okay, okay. So anyway, I was in the shower. And you know when you listen to podcasts or radio shows, you just have a sort of general version of who's sitting where, what's going on behind the house.

So I jumped out of the shower. I put on 14 towels, picked up a pen. We should mention that you're a giant. You're like 12 feet tall. That's why you need so many towels. And also where you're staying. I turned down Guinness Book of World Records.

You have so many nooks and crannies in your body that you can fit 12 towels independently. You're also a towel heiress. Yes. Your real last name is Wong Suda. I don't know if any of the listeners know, I didn't know this, it's recorded in Dave's home.

Yeah. Caveat, daddies. My dad's my landlord. You don't call him Daddy. No, I don't. I'm usually like, dear Daddy, you've got a feather. I want the house. When I write rent checks to him in the memo,

I say, one of those. October's rent, Daddy. Please. That's baby Dave. Please be gentle, Daddy. Daddy, you might sense some of your DNA on this page. Could you lower the rent? Is it my tears or I don't understand?

I'm from your knowing. I know why you cry. Yeah, I don't know why I'm leaving so much DNA on the page. Oh, I have a blood pen. Yeah. You're also leaving a lot. You're getting real messy. I hired you to do a specific job.

And you're leaving DNA everywhere. I know. He's crying. There's blood. And a paper trail. And might have had some sex on the page. You're writing checks for everything? I'm writing checks my ass can't cash.

What does that mean? And what's that all about? I guess your mouth is writing checks your ass can't cash. That means you're talking some shit. Like, I've got this. Yeah, yeah. But your butt's like, we're close! Don't send me!

Don't talk shit! Why is the butt the responsible thing in that situation? It's just incapable. Yeah. Yeah, it's not responsible. It just literally can't cash it. Your butt's out of cash. The problem lies in thinking ever.

Then you couldn't even cash a one-cent check. No, no. Because your butt wouldn't. So it has nothing to do with money. Your butt's out of cash yeah your problem lies in thinking ever like then you couldn't even cash a one cent check no no yeah so it does nothing to do with money your butt's got nothing unless unless you're a prison drug smuggler and then your butt's probably got a little bit of cash or something so if your butt goes up to like a bank teller and says hey can i cash this and they're like can i see some id and you have a driver's license for your butt with a picture of your butt no it's like a butt like a fingerprint everyone's different yeah yeah yeah absolutely oh my god it's like a face the baby face but like robbing things all i remember is that his butt looked really young yeah okay so anyway i i think everybody would have a you know just sort of listening it's

and you know at the end of the day rate day, radio places and podcasts are pretty much similar. I always listen to something and I'm like, oh, that person's sitting there and I don't know whether it's the sound or what it is. So I just whipped up a quick picture. And I'm not a cartoonist in any way. You'll see that. And this is what I sort of pictured it looked like. And I know it's visual, so the readers might not understand it. We'll describe it.

Okay, so here it is. I only had two markers. Okay. Okay, so... You can interpret it. It's just a... Okay, well, before you describe any of it, I would like to describe what I'm seeing.

Okay. Okay. So, okay. So, start on the far left okay on the far left we are not islamic someone other way oh my god that's how you out was oh okay what i see here is um there's a uh the people are labeled so on the left there's dave that might not be the real that could just be the sign that you made for the show. Yeah, okay. Sometimes I sit in the Graham seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's what I thought. Okay. And I am sitting down in front of a bowl of tennis balls. Oh, I think that you're sitting in a giant bowl of ice cream. Yes. That's what I'm seeing. You're not in it. Oh, you're behind it.

Use some perspective. I do like ice cream a lot. But starting on the far left, there's a giant spider web in the corner. Oh, is that what that is? I thought that was just decoration. No, that's a spider web, right? Yes, it is. With a giant spider coming down off the web.

But you're not scared. You've got the spider web. You've got shit to do. You're doing it. And baby, you haven't cleaned it. And I have blood red teeth. Yep. That's a mouth.

And this is a microphone. Yes, you've got a nice big microphone. Thank you. And here's what I, when you look at the page, I picture Dave on the left and Graham on the right. And it's not true. So is this from your perspective? Because you're not in this. This is me watching.

Oh, no, I'm not in it. This is a first person podcast. So yeah, just sort of like when you close your eyes and listen to podcasts. Now, what's this thing hanging down above my head? Now, let's go on to Graham first. Okay, yeah. So, Graham has a great... What are you saying in yours?

I'm saying, what? What? W-O-T. Like, I'm a British. What is he like anyway? Who are the guys at Gigolo, man? And I'm saying... No money man can win my love

it's sweetness that I'm thinking of what's that from? we always hang in a buffalo stance he goes uh that's nana cherry she's actually Swedish but she does say what so you and nana cherry

saying what I'm saying bing bong it had a lot to do with how I... I drew your bubble and it went weird. No, I like it. My eyes are crossed and I got

real crazy hair, which is exactly right. Beautiful girly lips. Yeah, absolutely, which is also true. Very pouty lips. And you've got a, like... Like a stand-up. You've got a very... He's got a...

Well, it's more like the old match game, Jean Rayborough. Yes! Yeah, the Bob Barker. And that just is... I didn't think about it. It was like a free drawing session. And that is, in fact, an ice cream sundae.

Yes! And I am sort of right, because there is some candy here. You guys are kind of like sweet and product and things. I definitely eat six scoops of ice cream every episode. That's my signature.

You don't have to have it every... That's your political science degree talking. You are an ice cream guy. Of course I am. You've got ice cream in your freezer as we speak. The three varieties. See? You're a guy.

But it was definitely, and this is just, I don't know, this is a later afterthought when I was like, that's a noose. Okay. Oh, so we, you thought kind of we did this in a haunted house. No, no, no. There's a noose and a spider web. We perform executions for a little bit of extra money. Well, you might want to like. On the no, no. There's a noose and a spider web. We perform executions for a little bit

of extra money. Well, you might want to like... On the side, sure. For daddy's rent. Yeah. It's a noose, but if you notice, there's a big bow on it.

Ah, so it's like... Like, you guys can talk about dark things, but come on. There's goodness here. It's salty, but sweet. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's us. I put too much imagery. There's two music notes there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's us. I put too much imagery. There's two music notes there. Yeah. Because often we'll go, la la. Well, don't you play the flute? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So that, I don't know. No, that's outstanding. Okay. I'll put it on the recap blog at MaximumFun.org. Yeah. But listeners out there, there Honestly when you listen to I know you probably don't listen to any other podcast Than this wonderful one

Just listen to the same one over and over You guys are really great to listen to But you know sometimes You don't know When I was a kid and I listened to the radio I used to think the band was there Playing live That's what my dad

Told me when we were kids That's what he thought when he used to think the band was there playing live. Like, I really... That's what my dad told me when we were kids. That's what he thought when he used to listen to the radio, that the only reason the DJ was there was to kill time when the bands were switching out. Yes, that's what I thought. And they would come to the studio. There was a Farside cartoon with a radio and a guy disconnecting the radio and opening it up, and there's a band inside. Oh, really? He says something like I knew it. Yeah.

Like the TV thing. I always thought that was the same with like ATM machines. Yeah. Like there's a band in there. ZZ Talk plays in Buffalo. So every time you hit a button it goes beep. It's an electronic band. I heard each bank like Canada Trust is Gowan.

Yeah, every band has their every bank has their house bank. What's Royal Bank? Oh, you know, Queen. Yes, yes, that's my next word. What is TD? Toronto Dominion? I don't know, I'm trying to think of somebody who's... Listeners, I want to hear this.

What band and what ATM machine makes sense? Call in. Call in. Can I please leave? Scotiabank is slow. Oh, absolutely. Yes. Oh, wait a minute.

This is really happening. Bachman Turner Overdrive. I don't know what they are, but they could be like a credit union. Yeah. Yeah. Like a, maybe like a Winnipeg. Some bank for taking care of business. Oh, absolutely.

A business bank. Yeah. Now, what was I going to ask? It was something that triggered there, but I lost it. Oh, I don't know.

There was a zillion things. Yeah. Something about bank machines. There must have been a time when having a bank machine in your neighborhood was a real big deal. Yeah.

Right? Like, if you were in a neighborhood... My neighbors had one. It was like, what do you want? All the kids were around the neighborhood. I was like, dad. There was someone in my neighborhood growing up.

Someone had an elevator. No. What? I think. Did they have a wheelchair or something? I think someone had an infirmity. They must have. What's an infirmity?

A hospital? Infirmity? Is that right? No. Oh. They were infirmed. Paralyzed. infirmity they must have what's in the hospital infirmity is that right no uh oh they were infirmed yeah fairly uh quad or duo i don't know the thing is i don't know okay see i was trying to make it as vague as possible they had a um flying house whatever don't ask it's because of health issues. Oh, I understand.

You simply can't. No, I actually don't know whether it was. I just remember that the guy who owned the house, he was really young when this happened, so I don't know any details, but the guy who owned the house, the newspaper came to his house to talk to him, and they took his picture,

and he was still wearing his robe. Because he was in the wheelchair? No. Local man can't get shit together. Oh, with an elevator. Local man has day off. It was like, this house has an elevator. And it's an outrage, because this guy's not even in a wheelchair.

It was before the era of self-help books. He's like, I don't know how to get from A to B. Put my clothes on. We're going to put this on page two. This is a big story. But if you can get a photo, that's going right to the front page. But do you remember growing up, there was always a weird house that you knew, but distances were it. I remember there was a house

sort of down the road that had a ship's window. Do you know what I mean? I was always like, oh yeah, the ship house. Yeah, there was a... I never ended up hanging out with someone like Oh, we had the round house And like, as an adult

You're like, oh, that's a super cool thing But when you're a kid, you're like It's so mysterious You're like, yeah, who's the ship house? And it's just like, nothing to these people Yes You realize when you grow up You're like, oh yeah, we just lived here

We didn't even own the place Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Like, it had to stop There used to be a house in Calgary that was a sphere that looked like Science World. Hmm. And it was like a round house. Yeah. And they would let people, I remember when I was a kid, they would let people come in

because it was just such an oddity that people would be like, can I come into your house? What a weird existence, eh? Don't you think like, oh, Argoa. No, if you live in a house. My name's Jazz and I live in a round house. No, like, you, yeah. What a weird existence, eh? Don't you think like, oh, my name's Jess and I live in the roundhouse. No, like you, you picked that on purpose.

You take it, oh my God, it's like celebrity. You're like, oh. Yeah. There's a couple houses in Vancouver.

If you didn't want people bugging you, you would've got the roundhouse. But I never hung out with someone with like the house that looks like a banana. I'm like, I never, they were never my friends.

Oh no, they don't have friends. They don't need them. They're so consumed by the sphere. Oh yeah, totally. Why would you? Don't you hate when they build sphere things and they, it for like 10 years, but then like rust and they don't...

It gets really dingy. Yeah, exactly. It's like moscrows. The dingy sphere. Because it's not a rolling sphere. Now, in Vancouver, there's the Hobbit House. There's a couple of Hobbit Houses. Where's the Hobbit House?

There's one on King Edward at Cambie. And it's on the market. They're selling it. And one of the selling points was, you can tear it down. Be the guy to tear down the Hobbit house. Why is it? What makes it a Hobbit house? It's just sort of got, it's got like stone on the outside.

It's got like a weird wobbly roof. It's a thing. It looks like a house. Is it like, oh, it's enchanted. Yeah, it looks enchanted. It doesn't have the circular hobbit door. No, but it could. I want to have a crooked stick.

I'm going to knock it down with a crooked stick and toes twirls. Speaking of people with crooked sticks, before the show, Graham and I were watching the news and there was a report on... Leaving your holiday shopping in your car. Yeah, because people might break in. And the police staged this press conference in a parking lot where they invited all the press.

To show an example of what to be there. And so they had this car, and they had a guy walk up with this metal rod and he smashed the window. And then someone else showed up. A guy dressed like Gandalf the Great threw a powder bomb on the ground. Yeah, yeah. And said, stop. Did the bomb go off? Well, no, it just went on the ground.

Yeah, he threw something at the ground. Did the cops know about this? He no, it just went on the ground. Yeah, he threw something at the ground. Did the cops know about this? They were both cops, the guys playing this. I understand. Then they held him there. He held him there with his big crooked stick. No one's understanding this message. You know what I mean?

They're like, oh my God, if I hit a car, maybe I'll see Gandalf. Yeah, if I pray to a wizard. So was Gandalf saying don't do it? Yeah, he was saying don't do it. Hey kids, don't do drugs. But you left the room before it went back to the news anchor because that was the real payoff when the news anchor went, Well, I guess we're going to get that message out somehow. Like he's done 12 Christmases on the news. The season's here.

Drunk driving. Yeah, like last year it was like an elf that came out. Let's take away the seasons. Would Christmas even come? It's just every year. Yeah. Take away the seasons? I don't know.

No, but you live in California. There are no seasons. Well, here's the thing. I do live in California. But outside of California, there's a mountain range called the San Bernardino Mountains. And I have a little cabin, two-bedroom house just outside of L.A., and it does get seasons. I have to shovel my driveway. No way. Yeah.

Really? It's crazy. It gets wintry like crazy. So is it wintry right now? Literally, right now it's cold. Like I should have shoveled my thing. Okay. Yeah.

Like you have to hire people or do something. Is that up at Lake Arrowhead? Yes. Okay. Yes. It's in that area. But it's crazy. You're literally in your house and you're shoveling.

And 12 miles down, people are wearing tank tops. Now, do you do snow stuff? Do you, like, build a snowman? Sometimes. I live near some ski resorts. I do, what's snow stuff? Oh, yeah. You even walk in the snow?

Frolic? Yeah, it's beautiful. And it's crazy because I was in, I usually have an apartment in LA, too, and I was at the store, and it was starting to rain, and the guy who was working there at the Rite Aid in Sunset and Fairfax, he said... He's a listener. Yeah. That's good.

That's good that you name checked. He said, he's like, oh, I hope it doesn't rain. And I go, have you ever seen snow? He's like, no. Like, I'm like an hour. You're like, I'll be right back. I go, come on my house. Yeah.

Check out the roof of my car. Oh, yes. Do you ever drive into town with someone? Oh my gosh. It's so funny because when you go up, we call it the hill, when you drive up, you're always hoping, oh, I hope there's no snow. But when you see people coming down with snow on the roof, you're like... You're like, it's inevitable.

Yes. And these gentlemen have been to Lake Arrowhead because that's where they had... Max Fun Con. Max Fun Con, yeah. I thought you guys were in rehab or something. Yeah, yeah. Well, we were that too. We took a little lake rehab.

No, that's where it was. And it's beautiful, right? And go to maxfuncon.com for tickets to next year's Max Fun Con. There you go. Nice work. Is it going to be in Lake Arrowhead? Yeah. I know you guys don't like advertising, but you guys go there, buy tickets.

There's nothing. All we do is advertise. Are you travestizing your souls? Don't we advertise that place on Fairfax that you were talking about? Rite Aid? Yeah. I remember Fairfax. That's good.

Come to Sunset and Fairfax, you'll never see snow. Sometimes I don't think anything gets through as enamel, you know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's mind enamel. You got a real thick mind enamel. Well, we were just talking earlier. We were talking teeth.

We were talking teeth. I had a situation. I know young Dave over here recently went in and had things and you got talking teeth. We were talking teeth. I had a situation. I know. Situation remedy. Young Dave over here recently went in and had things and you got good teeth? No. Oh. I believe I was talking about my wife. No, but you got insurance.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, you were listening to an earlier episode? Yes. Oh, okay.

Not the conversation we were having. No, no. Okay. Yes. No, I, yeah, no. I've been going to the dentist pretty steady for a couple years now. Do you think it's serious, though? Well, here's the thing.

Are you guys steady? My insurance only covers one dentist visit a year or one dentist examination a year. Yeah. But the dental office was like, you can get as many cleanings as you want. So they just have me back every few months. Yeah. Polish them up. Multiple times a year.

So yeah. Let's see those chaffers. Yeah. Let's see. They're amazing. They're good. They're gorgeous. But weren't you so happy when you started going regular?

You're like, oh my gosh. Well, the thing is, I now... It's in your... Look how close they are to your brain. Yeah. Now I floss. Oh, yeah. They're in your face.

I floss every day now. I never used to floss. It's really hard to, but it's good. But I do now, and it's like... I'm really brain. Yeah, now I floss. Oh, yeah, they're in your face. I floss every day now. I never used to floss. It's really hard to, but it's good. But I do now, and it's like... I'm really glad that you're on the floss. Thanks, thanks, man. Oh, I was going to ask you something. No, go ahead.

Go ahead. My teeth still hurt all the time. Oh, really? What do they hurt like? Are they tight or are they sensitive? Sometimes they're sensitive. Sensitivity is crazy. That's what it is about you.

You look like you have a sensitive mouth. like sensitivity is crazy. My, uh, but my dentist, that's what it is about. My, yeah, you look like you have a sensitive mouth. You look like you have many nerve endings in your face. That's what they say to you on the first day of prison. Yeah. You've got a sensitive mouth. look at old sweet gum sensei. Um, I,

uh, my dentist, her big thing is like, she keeps threatening me with this threatening. She keeps saying like, next time you're in here, we're going to, gonna we're gonna fit you for a mouth guard because uh you grind your teeth at night and you've been boxing i can tell you've been boxing yeah and i'm like i literally as a kid i uh i bite or i grind my teeth 24 hours a day like oh yeah

when i'm wide awake i'm like it's that degree did i finish yeah but um but yeah yeah at night and you know what a lot of people who have really nice teeth the final thing they get to is well you grind you know i mean because if you have nice tea you can't do crazy things oh right you don't take care of them because yeah yeah so you mean like they they go down the list yeah like you don't need major things. You don't need whitening. You don't need veneers. Yeah, no, I had braces. I had braces before.

When you were a kid? Yeah. Both top and bottom? Did you? No, I had half top, half bottom. They only did the right side of my top and the left side of my bottom. Just for wackiness. They used to call you the

rail half. Yeah, the rail half. They were bad at nicknames, too. Graham, who looks like beautiful, strong teeth, and you had braces as well. Your parents loved you guys. They did. Graham has really hard enamel.

Yeah, too thick of enamel for cavities to show up on you can hide drugs yeah oh yeah in your cavity nobody couldn't get them in there yeah if you can't have it no I can't get that oh I'd have to pull the fillings out put drugs in my teeth get new cavities yeah yeah sugar bugs sugar bug really when I was a kid technically i think what causes cavity is bacteria so really they are sugar bugs yeah yeah open bigger sugar bub bugs poop what you know what cavities are and i this is like an updated 2013 thing sugar bugs poop it is um i don't know

god crying no what it is is um it is it's when you're a kid, it's bacteria and stuff, and it's their waste that is cavities. And you know where that comes from? It comes from your parents when you're a baby. So it goes in you. What? Yeah, like you get certain. Well, everything comes from your parents. I know.

God. You know, yeah. I mean, and Jesus. Oh, and the stork. Yeah. Oh, boy, yeah. The trif, and Jesus. Oh, and the stork. Yeah. Oh, boy, yeah. The trifecta of things that come from. But before the show, you brought up your dentist in Los Angeles, who you love.

Yes. And unprompted, you said, oh, I love my dentist. I even brought his poetry book. Yes. Now, my dentist, I don't actually know. She might have a poetry book. Yeah. Mine doesn't.

Mine doesn't, for sure. Well, I thought you were going into one, like, I don't know, maybe She might have a poetry book. Mine doesn't. I thought you were going into one like, I don't know, maybe subterranean? Yeah. My dentist, he's a nice guy, but you can tell he probably does some criminal dentistry. Have you heard about the guy,

there's a guy, a Chinese dentist. What time does he do most hours? He does not only work. Asians only have 18. No. No, they just shut this whole thing down.

Dave, you opened up a whole can of Chinese teeth. Yeah. Anyway, he's a dentist. He's from China. He lives in Canada. He was doing illegal dentistry. He was doing illegal dentistry. He was doing illegal dentistry out of his house. Like telling people a lot of fantasy stories about sugar bugs and the poop.

And the thing was, he was like... And the lollipops that he was giving them at the county. Yeah, and he wasn't giving them... He had morphine and chalk. He wasn't giving them market value on their teeth that he pulled out, the tooth fairy teeth. He was giving them like 50 cents on the dollar. When I was a kid, I had a tooth that fell out, and so I put it on my pillow. But I was like, just told my sisters, and it never came.

So your sisters didn't pass up the chain? Yeah, they didn't take up. They're awful. I had to wrap my own Christmas present and stuff my own stocking because my sister wouldn't help my dad buy presents. What? It's in the book. It's in the book.

I'm not writing about it. It's in my dentist's poetry book for some reason. Okay, so this is a dental thing. I had to sit to the listeners. Why am I more concerned with updates than you guys? To your listeners of wrapping up situations. Oh, because they're aware that this episode is of wrapping up situations. Oh, because they're aware that this episode is going a thousand

directions. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's fluid, man. It's fine. Yeah. No, no. Do not. Okay, okay. Bear with me. I meant that in a good way. Okay. I just have a mean voice because I'm a bad person. No, it's your grinding. Your grinding.

I'm going to write an essay on you called Exterior Shop, Grinding Soft Inside. There's Something Going On. It's Dave. Like that front. Yeah. Where's the cold? Oh, wait, wait. Here's the thing.

He's got denfalls. Hey. I've got, when I'm not grinding my teeth, I'm actually grinding my butt into my chair. So my dentist is really worried about my chair situation. Was he going you like a chair guard yeah a butt guard a night guard for your butt have you ever had any weird surgery no i mean just stitch them ups yeah yeah no fighting and stuff what have you weird no i'm trying i got hit by a car. What? Oh, in Vancouver. That doesn't count as surgery. Yeah, but I was in there for two weeks. Wow, what happened? I was on Granville Street.

Oh, you mean they perform surgery after. I thought you meant the leg. Hey, break my leg for me. Oh, that's another topic. When you were a kid, did you really want a broken leg? Oh, absolutely. I wanted braces, glasses, broken leg, and I climbed the top of the monkey bars. You know monkey bars that go around?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So one day I was like, I'm about the top of the monkey bars. You know monkey bars that go around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So one day I was like, I was about six. And I was like, I'm going to jump off. I'm going to get braces, glasses, and a cast out of this. So I'm going eyes first. Plate in my head. No, but so I was going up to like fall down to get a broken arm. But I had this big puffy coat on and dress.

But the triangles got smaller. I got stuck in a triangle for like an hour. No one knew. Because your sisters wouldn't tell. My sisters weren't. They could see you from the window. Anyway, so I got stuck. But anyway, broken heart.

Oh yeah, I got hit by a car. It was in Vancouver. I used to work at a comedy club here as a waitress. And we finished and we went. Is the Roxy still here? Yes. So we went there for just a couple of drinks. Like I wasn't that.

We had shots. But a couple. And then I came out. You know Granville where it's just taxis and buses? Yeah. I was walking there and I was talking to my friends like, okay, let's meet here. And a cab just smashed right into me. And I flew over.

And I landed. Like a bird. The passengers and the girls inside were laughing. Ugh. No. And then I like got up and my leg went all weird sideways and stuff. It literally bent. I don't like it.

I know. It's your turn to do it, Jamie. What sort of things would you endure rather than watching a basketball ankle break? What would I enjoy more? What would you enjoy more? What would I enjoy more? Everything. I know.

Like puppies. I'd push a child's eye out over seeing that that would hurt me more than so your your leg broke yeah it was all it was all like weird weird anterior crocheted and i was like i thought i had i was did you feel like you were fulfilling your childhood destiny yeah i was like a day late and a dollar short and your sisters were in the cab laughing anyway so but i got in the cab and i said will i ever dance again but i think that was just like i was in shock and they were like you've never danced before jilted feeling so yeah it was bad big scar on stone big scar cast for a long time cast for a a long time. How fun was it having that cast?

Zero fun? It was weird. It was a cast, but then I had this weird brace, but I think it was from the shipments of 1928. Because it was really old. Very rusty. It was nothing but... Yes. Haunted.

It had foam, and it was all like... You're like, there's a lot of cobwebs in here. Something's going on here. Yes, it's haunted. But yeah, but it was, but it was in the, in the,

in the hospital. I was there for two weeks. It was crazy. I think they, my doctor went on a holiday, but I forgot about you. And then, but like,

they gave me morphine. Anyway, I feel like I'm talking too much. No, no, no. This is great. Let's,

let's put a bag of frozen peas on your leg. I kind of lost my mind because it was the first time I did morphine for a long time. No, but I did morphine and I didn't know what was going on. It doesn't count as doing a drug. I know. You're prescribed it. Yes. And I took all my sheets off the bed.

But I had the cast on. Anyway, you kind of lose your mind. And then I thought the hospital was being mean to me. And I was crying. Did you try to get out? Yes, I went up to them and I said, I don't want to fall in my family. Because it was a few days later. And they were like, no, no, no, go over here.

So I thought they were trying to keep me from my family. So I wheeled downstairs to try and find quarters and stuff. Wow. Like from people on the outside where you're like, can I get me a quarter? No, I was on a whole different floor. So I walked,

I wheeled up and I was like, can I get quarters to fill my family? And you thought like the hospital was somehow like, I thought, yeah, they were like being mean. Wow. What hospital is this?

It's in Vancouver. Yeah. St. Paul's or, uh, what's the other one? Vancouver. I don't know. Vancouver general. Vancouver general. Or. St. Paul's or what's the other one? Vancouver. I don't know.

Vancouver General. Vancouver General, I think. Or maybe St. Joseph's. Are you guys born and raised in Vancouver? I am. Are you really? Yeah.

Aw. What was your favorite era? Oh, boy. Probably the 1920s. Yeah. It was a hustle. It was a bustle. It was a thriving

Charleston scene right on Robson. Why I once saw a woman get hit with a horse and buggy. I feel like I'm talking to a horse and buggy. Wait, no. I thought it was behind the time. Can you imagine getting horse and buggy? Oh, no.

I guess in the 20s you would have been hit by a great Gatsby. Oh, yeah. Getting run over by a horse. Well, would you rather get hit by a car or run over by a horse? One horse? No Lamborghini, one horse, red buggy. But it's an open sleigh. It's an open sleigh.

I'm a strictly closed sleigh. But the one thing we haven't gotten to is the poetry by your dentist. Tell us about your amazing dentist and why he has poetry. Just a real recap. Because no one knows who I am. Alan Grinsberg could be a name for a dentist.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What's that one? Alan Grinsberg. Aw. Yeah, I was trying to think of a famous poet that I could make into a dentist name. Right. Alan Grinsberg. I want to do that.

Okay, yeah, let's all do them. Tennessee Williams Teeth. No. More of a playwright, too. Okay, sorry. Tennessee Williams Teeth. of a playwright okay sorry Tennessee Williams teeth that's too literal um

uh oh boy uh I wish we'd had more more uh notice yeah oh I didn't know that this was gonna be a thing

I'm sorry okay so anyway E.E. Chalmings oh E.E. Chalmings that's a good one that's a good one

oh I know one just hold on E.E. Grinnings oh great darn it E.E. Grinnings. Oh, great. Darn it. E.E. Gummings. Yeah. Oh, William Blake Cavity's not good, but... I'm just putting...

You already said Tennessee Williams teeth. Yeah. No, but I want to be like, add it together. What's Keats' first name? Anyway, whatever his first name is and then teeth. All right. Okay. So I didn't go to the dentist for a long time i've sucked my thumb a whole life but um oh my yeah i have your whole life did that yeah yeah it's just

you don't have a weird thumb yes one smaller than the other no well yeah because when i was a kid my stepmother showed me this man i feel like i'm a weirdo right now, my stepmother showed me this man. I feel like I'm a weirdo right now. But my stepmother showed me this neighbor who had his finger chopped off because he was a constructionist. Right. A reconstructionist. Right. Anyway, and it was short. And I was sucking my thumb.

So she goes, oh, look what happened to you. He used to suck his pinky, she told you? Yeah. Because she tried to stop me. She's gross. Maya Angel Tooth. look what will happen to you so i went to suck his yeah she told you yeah so because like to try and stop me yeah but she's gross but um and my angel tooth good work oh my god i didn't realize i thought that was actually really good yeah so fair enough so you what about um tracy grinding face no i was trying to incorporate Fair enough. So you... What about Tracy Grindingface? No, I was trying to incorporate your issues.

Oh, okay, yeah. To Tracy Grindingface? Oh, man. Anyway, so I finally went to a dentist. It took me a long time. Like, kind of like... People are terrified of going to a dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With good reason and i mock those people and the thing is yeah but in a weird way i had i did have it so it's taking a long time and um my gum was getting bad and it was just yeah total horseshit but then i went finally and someone told like i finally i kept saying i had to go. Like, I had to, it was like, you know. You had to go. Oh, yeah, this canine or whatever. There had been, like, a thing up there. And so my canine. They said you got to take the canine out. Oscar Canine Smith.

Anyway, so I finally went to the dentist. I have a long time, and I need a lot of work. And I was crying when I went in. It just seemed like, you know, when you have something inside that you haven't taken care of, and you keep it inside, and you're, like, stressed, It just seemed like, you know, when you have something inside that you haven't taken care of and you keep it inside and you're stressed and you're like, oh my God, I'm a walking tumor, like that kind of thing, but it was my teeth. So anyway, I finally went

and the dentist, he's amazing. He's this Scottish man. I think he's in his 60s and he opened my mouth and he goes, I love a good challenge. Check out my poetry. So then we started and now it's this crazy, it's a very intense, intimate relationship

that's been going on, and it's caught, I've already spent $30,000, and my teeth look like crap. It's just to deal with, but they're not, they're not as nice as your guys' teeth. Will you put a picture of your teeth up on there? Yeah, absolutely. Edgar Enamel Poe.

Oh, that's a good one. Because if you ever watched the shows? There's shows where they bring people who smoke meth and they fix their teeth. Have you ever seen the... I think it's on National Geographic or TLC or whatever. It's on the History Channel. The Smithsonian or BAT. It's on all the Channel. History Channel. The Smithsonian or BAT. Whatever. Yeah, exactly.

It's on all the channels. Outdoor Life. Cartoon Land. But it's quite, it's like, it's probably the best reality show, right? Oh my God. You don't realize your teeth are everything in a way. The gay way to your face, I would say. The gay way to your noggin. But yeah, but you know what I mean?

Like your mouth is, and it is a weirdly intimate thing. And then I don't mean, like it's what I kept having dreams when my teeth were feeling weird. That like, you know, like they were going to go into my brain. I know that sounds crazy,

but it's your head is your, you. Do you have dreams where you had no teeth? I've never met anyone I like without a head. Right. Yeah. And dreams and stuff. Yeah. So it was a weird, it is an intense thing.

And then, so then my dentist, Dr. McLeod, Neil McLeod, we started going. Oh, the famous poet. Yes. And then I found out he was a poet. When you've got something stuck in your mouth and you can't have it. Was he a poet and he didn't know it? No, he knows it. He knows it.

He knows it. He's got a book of poetry. And John Doerr, a very good friend. Yeah. You would think, John Doerr, my very good friend. Yeah. You would think, John Doerr, doesn't he come across as the guy you can't push into anything? Yeah, he seems very confident. I tried to push him into a bottomless pit once. He was like, uh-uh, mister.

Ain't so. Aw, adorable. Do you think he's adorable and then he thinks you're adorable? Yeah, we all think that. Yeah, we have a real circle jerk of adorability. And then it gets gross. Did you see? See, that was the, I was talking about the bow and the noose and he pulled the noose.

I noosed your bow. Anyway, and so he's a poet and he's great. So John Dorlake, John Dorlake's the type of person, if you go close the door, that's, he will not. So you have to like. What's happening? Like if you tell john to do something he's not it's not gonna happen like i'd be like hey you should drink more water i'm like why did

i do this yeah then he'll just start drinking sand yeah just to spray you putting put he puts like arsenic in every water in the world so anyway like i was going to the dentist i go listen it's changed my life just even going like there was so many issues and it's a lot of money, but just going. Yeah. It's a typical story. But like, so then I was like, Johnny should go. And I was like, which means. He'll never go.

Right. What's the opposite of not going to the dentist? Going to the dentist. Eating candy all day. Putting a guitar in your mouth. No. Yeah. Yeah.

But anyway, so, but then he went and he is a rapture. Going to the butt doctor. He went to the dentist. Same doctor? Yes. And he is a rapture. He went to the dentist and he got very involved too. Maybe this poet dentist is more than just a dentist. He's an artist. It sounds like there's a whole therapeutic...

Yes, it is. It's really a thing. I feel like LA is also an area where everyone's an artist. No matter what you do, you're some bullshit your supreme court judge hold on a second what's your opinions of la uh it's oh it's the dentist it's too hot oh it's too hot is it yeah it's too hot it is too hot yeah on certain days. Oh, but almost. From like April to March.

Exactly. It's like there's a sequence of hot days that just goes on forever. I like wearing layers. I know what you mean. I've got four shirts on. Yeah, like when I can't wear flannel for a couple weeks, I get really bummed out. And this is really fun, too. Sweating, perpetually sweating and being hot is...

Yeah. I went to Honduras once. Were you going to say, have you ever been to Honduras? Graham, let's answer on three. One, two, three. Fuck you. Oh, my God. The news.

Oh, it's the news portion of the show. Go on. So, Honduras. Don't make me talk. Can you guys talk about something about your lives for a second? Sure. But Honduras. I went to Honduras on my way. Yes, so hot.

I was on my way to, I was going to Nicaragua on my way to Costa Rica. But just to, and anyway, so I went to Honduras and I found out there's this island just off of Honduras where you can learn how to deep sea dive. And it's known as the cheapest place on the planet to get your license. So everybody like it's like, you know, like when you look in travel books, like Lonely Planet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, I'm going to go do that. So you take a flight from Honduras to that island. But here's the thing. They give you a ticket for 730. That's your that's your ticket for your flight. The airport doesn't open till nine. They don't even like bother changing. You like oh every single day you're like what so you get on the plane and i had to sit by beside the pilot and literally he said move

your arm while he changed gears when i had to like move what yes oh don't i you go crazy and then the plane lands and the runway isn't long enough and they that's just the way it is and like you start your diving now, Splash. Don't worry, there's some cheaply trained deep sea divers who can save you. It was a course. But anyway, talking about hot, I remember one day on the island in Honduras, all I could do

all day, and it took a day, was to find out what time it was. My brain was melting. know what time it was it's my brain and i was walking around and i was like does anyone know the time what is the local time and it really that's what it happened i'll do you know like find some quarters yeah well it was because it's so you're literally losing your mind so nobody just placated you by saying it's two yeah they're like ask josie at the shops and i was like, because you're literally losing your mind. So nobody just placated you by saying, it's two. They're like, ask Josie at the shop. So I was like, okay.

Josie's like, we're out of watches. That's a really laid back, that's like a Malibu commercial. But it's beyond that. It was almost like, all right, settle down, people. This is madness. Like people just like, you start getting, you'd walk up these like little jungle streets and there they're like some of the store and you'd be like okay i'll go there it's mental it's kind of fun but it's but it's too bizarre yeah it's too crazy yeah i remember once it was like where's my passport okay find it by friday oh you think that crab is running away with it

it's cool we saw the Hobbit house and the Sphere... What's the Sphere house? Okay. Oh, the Sphere house was in Calgary. Yeah. It's probably not there anymore.

Rolled away. Dave? Well, nothing's going on with me, but here's several more tooth poet puns. Okay. No, I'm joking. But on that same channel

where we were watching the news tonight, Global BC, I was watching the morning news the other day, and you just ate some candy you didn't like. Go on. Sorry. I was half paying attention to it, and I heard them say something about, and then feel free to tune into any of our febreze

channels what does that mean and so i looked it up and uh febreze yeah which which like if you stop and think about it i watch a lot of tv every other commercial is for some kind of like either febreze or an air freshener or... As you now have TiVos and you pass through commercials and stuff, Febreze is still permeating my brain. It's there. It's the last of the great products.

It shall not be killed. They have a new marketing campaign called Febreze Sleep Serenity. Ooh. I've heard about it. And what it is, is you buy whatever type of, like, whatever flavor of Febreze.

One of them's like Caribbean sun, but it's part of the night scene. I was at the store. Uh-huh. Tell me more. Okay, so what happened? And then what you do is you go to this website that has an hour-long streaming video with super mellow kind of New Age music. Is it for meditation? It's for you to fall asleep while you smell lilacs or whatever.

I sort of want to do that. Except that it all stinks. Yeah. I've never smelled one of those things and been like, oh, okay, well. Overripe candy bar. Yeah. Fall asleep to. You know what I mean?

Too ripe. It's all just, it smells like a headache. You barely think of a plum. Think of four million through your nose right now. And I went and I watched some of them. Yeah. Really? Which is weird because it's like, you're trying to fall asleep. I don't know why they have the visuals. I went and I watched some of them. Yeah. Really? Which is weird because it's like you're trying to fall asleep.

I don't know why they have the visuals. I know. I'm scared. And also I'd be scared that they try to sell the products while you're sleeping. Yeah, they're subliminal for freezing you. I love subliminal. But you already have, like part of it is you. Already own it.

You already own it. Like this channel has been programmed to go with the smell. Oh, well, it's all interactive, um, products and stuff. Like it's like being,

it's like trying to get more in your life. Yeah. Yeah. And so I want with the smell used to be my catchphrase. Um, go with the flow. Now, are you smelling our table?

No, I was choking and I didn't want to. Oh no. Oh God. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. It was halfway down. I've ever done that where you like eat asparagus. No, I was choking and I didn't want to. Oh, no. Oh, God. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was halfway down. I've never done that where you like eat asparagus and halfway down you pull it up and you feel it in your throat.

Oh, yeah. No, I used to do that with spaghetti when I was a kid. Oh, there was always someone that could do the one. I couldn't do it through my nose. I wouldn't. I told you I never flossed. I've met a few people that have done that. Oh, I've known.

Yeah, I knew somebody who could do the nail and everything. Did you ever know someone in high school that could turn their eyelids and sit down? Yeah, so many kids. And you never see those as an adult. But at the end of high school, they stop. That's true. Like, I've never, like, John. Oh, no, what?

The guy that manages my bank does it while I talk to him about my RSTs. Hold on. Now, we're going to get you loaned. Just check it out. Yeah. He just turned around in his chair. Also, check out this weird wave I can do with my belly Yeah, what kids doing weird things there was a guy like constantly get away like I had weird eyes

I could do a bunch of stuff. Yeah, what was your thing? I was like double-jointed Wow, we're in your fingers me too, but like I can't I don't think I can do that's not much anymore You can be a waiter and I can do that. That's not much anymore, is it? Yes, it is. You can carry it. You can be a waiter. Oh, and I can do this. Oh, no! Sorry. Did that stop? Are we done?

For the listener, I moved my finger a tiny bit and then moved it a lot. Yeah, what's happening is... I was super skinny, too. I could inhale and make my chest really big. Yes! And then you could... And you see the ribs. You see the rib cage. You could see could, like, tilt. And, like, you see the ribs. You see the rib cage.

You could see the ribs 24-7. Oh, hey, all right. What happened? Let's hear more. I know, right? I used to call you Tony Romo. You know what? I ate too much ribs.

Too many ribs. One too many ribs. But, yeah, like, you could stand still, like, in the Guinness World Records. Remember that guy in the Guinness World Records that stood for nine years or something? Yeah. Or did he? I don't think he did. Did either of you see the David Blaine

thing? One of them. The most recent one? The one where he sticks a barbecue skewer through his arm and everybody's like, that can't be magic. Of course it is. What is he not going to do magic all of a sudden? Kanye. What?

Yeah, he did it for a bunch of celebrities. Is Kanye mad? Yeah, so, no, David Blaine, he does this thing in front of... I've seen David Blaine after he did that one

where he was like, it was in New York where he didn't eat or it was in something. Yeah, yeah. And he went to go do Conan O'Brien right after and I was with someone

doing Conan O'Brien and David Blaine was waiting in his room like all... Like super tired and super not feeling well. Before he was going. I think that's just what he's like.

He seems a lot of work. He's not like an exuberant, like, look at me. He's like, please don't look at me. But he does a thing. He put a skewer through his arm in front of you know brian cranston and kanye west and uh everybody is like uh i don't know what what is

it that he's like uh celebrities are still dumb they can still be amazed and so they all were they're all like oh this can't that's good you're just you're just putting a thing well of course he's not he's uh that's his whole illusion i have you ever seen the same uh what is the special cause it called magic or not what's his thing now what's the third uh the illusion magic or not or believe it or bs but they can't say yeah sponsored by your base so they can't say yeah um have you ever seen a um have you seen a like a magician in real life yeah have you seen i saw one on the bus have you seen the same magician more than once

oh no one time except for tv yeah one time one time you don't go back no no we had a work party and there it was at this Yaletown Brew Pub, and this magician came by, and I guess he goes there all the time and like... He's like the people who sell the flowers, he just kind of hangs out? Yeah, and he did that thing where he gives you a ball to squeeze. And he holds on to your... You have nice hands.

Thank you. He gives you a ball. He's holding a fist in an upward action. I've got kind of ootsy fingers. And he holds on to your wrist to make sure you're squeezing it tight. But as he's holding on to your wrist, he is undoing your watch. And then you're like, oh, you're not squeezing it tight enough. And then it goes on and on and then like three four minutes later after he's done you realize he's got your watch

yeah and he's like and i also slept with your wife yes um and then and then and then i went i happened to be at the same place later. And the same guy was there. And I saw him doing the same trick on someone else. And I was like, check this out. He's totally going to steal this guy's watch. Watch his hands the whole time. Wow.

And once you knew, like, once you were looking for it, did it become, like, super apparent? Well, no. Like, it became apparent because he let me know that he had it. No, no. I mean when you watched it the second time. Oh, yeah. Totally. It was like he was super clumsy about it, too. It didn't come off super easy, either. And you can tell he only gets people who

have a strap, not people who have a bracelet. You know what's weird is less people have watches now because they use their phones. That's true. We're killing that. More for true. We're killing magic. More for me. He hoards watches, everybody. He doesn't understand time.

Magicians say that a lot of what they're able to do... I go to Honduras and I tell people what time it is. If he just picks up any random watch, whatever that time is, he acts accordingly. If it's 9am and it says midnight, he's like, I guess it's night time. That's how he treats his watches. No one can get away from it.

I take it like a suggestion, like an improviser does. Oh, okay. Well, that's a good, that's a mark of a good magician. They say that magicians are able to do a lot of the stuff that they can do because the kind of the grown-up brain is expecting an outcome. So you're overlooking things that are happening right in front of you but magicians say it's very hard to perform in front of kids right because they don't know right they haven't decided on an outcome so a lot of times kids will be like but

you just stuck it in your pocket yeah like when you're telling a sort of kid and you're like but you're not doing the doors like you're like and then and they're like, but you left the door open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the kids notice the thing that... And autistic. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Autistic kids. Impossible.

I know. It's because of all the vaccines. Oh, it's autism. They make the worst magic audience. Yeah, yeah. Damn it. They don't know

when not to talk. I'm part of a foundation that's trying to change the attitude about autistic kids as magic audience. Yes. I'm going to be

an autistic magician. I'm going to be an, I'm going to be autistic magician. Why would an autistic magician do? Wanting it is half the battle. Yeah. Uh, Graham, what's going on with you? Okay.

Oh, um, again, not too much. Like what happened after high school and stuff? Oh, I just, you know,

I try to find myself. Yesterday I was on the bus riding home. And I know, right? And I was standing, no seats on the bus, which is the worst. Yeah. Right? It's the worst. I was fine.

I'll stand. It's not that far yeah you're no prima donna exactly and there was a lady called daddy daddy pick me up there was a lady that was i felt like uh she should have been also standing and let somebody older than her she was she was like qualities uh she's strong legs strong legs yeah absolutely overall yeah okay a bale of hay that she brought on herself so she's strong yeah strong uh she had a sickle and a hammer she was the worker yeah she was a tragic bum grinder she'd never been sitting to begin with yeah so she had a big one of of those hemorrhoid pillows, the donuts. She had a bus driver who was very jerky, start and stop.

He was Jamaican. Yeah, he was Jamaican, and he was calling people out. All the ways you can be jerky. Yeah, exactly. He was rough and leathery. Huge, rust fair, big joint. Spoken smoking joint like at every stop he had a joint uh and he was just also kind of mean yeah um so he stopped and started at the stops very aggressively only constantly masturbated so here the weird part blind yeah. Yeah, yeah. He used echolocation. But his favorite movie? Echolocation.

So he, this all happened very quickly where the lady had bent down to, I think, tie up her shoelace. And she also, so her head was down. And then the bus driver slammed on the brakes. and the lady rocketed forward into my balls and canned me. And I made this crazy noise. I went, oh, like I didn't even know I could make that noise. And everybody on the bus saw it. And I said to the lady because then she

was at the top of her head like a ball yeah the top of the head and then did it hurt oh very much I listen let's just put this out there

empathy like you guys have to exist your whole life with an organ just hanging out there yeah and just like at any given chance it could be like

it's crazy that's what happens it could get run over like it's a huge existence like this is thank you that could hurt on male happens. It's a huge existence. This is... That can hurt on male and female. It's a corner of the table. But yeah, I've had that with me.

Just every single day of my life. Thank you. Yeah, there's something on me that is completely terrifying. But it's also super funny. Yeah. But when you get kicked, it's awful. Do you find, as you got kicked in the balls as a kid more, just in general, like scrapes? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Unless an adult. Because kids would kick each other in the balls just for the hell of it. And also you would play a lot more sports. Yeah, you're more and goofing around. Yeah. But this lady. And they used to have ball kicking classes. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

They don't have it anymore. Yeah, for extra credit. But I have empathy. So were you in pain? Yeah, she hit me in the nuts and i made this crazy noise and then she and then when her head like when she got up we were face to face and i said it way too loud i said are you okay oh she was so embarrassed was everyone What did everyone on the bus do?

Oh, all just hiding their joy. Right, but they were all... Oh, they liked it? Yeah, oh, the bus was just radiating. It was like Christmas time for everybody. Everyone's telling this story on their own podcast. Yeah, they got to see a sim guy just get knocked in the balls by a lady's top of her head. The hardest part on the human body.

And if you remember, a really strong um oh very strong yeah absolutely yeah yeah it's like do you think she transferred dna oh i hope so oh do you mean like my balls are stronger now you got an extra layer yeah i hope no i mean is that is that though that's the hardest part of the human body yeah Yeah. If you, but not on a baby, it's the softest part. Yeah. But if you, uh, like in boxing,

if you hit the top of a guy's head, so I've been told you would, you would break your knuckles. I don't want to, I don't want to do that. Yeah. Cause this part's very tough. The top of your head.

I was getting in a cab about eight years ago, like getting, I stood up, was I getting in a cab? Yeah. And my neck, it was the hardest. And I think, like, it I getting in a cab? Yeah. And my neck, it was the hardest and I think,

like it feels like there's a bump there. And did the cab, did the cab dent it up? Yeah. Yeah, the cab went, but no,

the cab driver looked nervous, like, oh, she's going to sue me. And I was, I was a different person after, A, and B,

there's a little bump after. Really? What do you mean you were a different person after I don't know like I spoke German all the day turn around go so sue me they do that on the unlike cops the when they put yeah they don't want their car oh it was crazy and I'm always nervous don't you have a bunch of numb spots on the top of your head?

Oh, absolutely. Are you a bit of a numbskull? What is that? Oh, I fell for it. Was that a setup? No, no. I feel like I have tiny little bits of numb. Do you ever put your fingers in your hair, like glide in your hair, and then you rub it a little bit, and you can feel the little pieces growing?

Oh, yeah. Like they're like little clickers. They're like shrubs. Yeah. Oh, what? You mean where your hair is? Yeah. Oh, I feel the front of my hairline all the time like a little tiny yeah they're tiny little sprouts like they're little like they're receding they're running away from i'm like no no move forward that's not fair go back towards your eyebrows reunite with you no one likes a

person with a really low hairline yeah what about the about the... I've met five or six in my life, and I don't like them. Guys, let's move on to overheard. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house.

You gotta do some more. Take care of business. Well, obviously, we didn't go right over herds. Whoops. We have a little bit of business on this week's episode. We got a Jumbotron message, followed by a, what are we going to call it? A concert announcement. Yeah.

Do-do-do-do! This week on the Jumbotron, there is a message from Victor, and it's going to Camille. Yeah, it's very Wuthering Heights kind of names. Oh, yeah? Victor and Camille. I haven't read it. Me neither. With any luck, I haven't spoiled the surprise of this message, perhaps by giggling uncontrollably during the business theme song.

Camille, there is no one else in this world that means more to me than you. That's just me talking. Okay, well, I'll read the personal message now. I love you and wish you the happiest of birthdays from your totally lame boyfriend, Victor. He doesn't sound totally lame. No, it sounds great. Wait, is there a lame character in Wuthering Heights? Yeah.

Does someone get lame in the war? By scaling all those heights, those Wuthering ones? I think it's from your totally lame. Oh, that's true. Well, have a lame birthday, Camille. And we also have, like Dave said, a secret concert announcement. Yeah, well, okay. here's what's up. We can't...

Legally. Yeah, the actual announcement of this will be Tuesday. So for most of you, that's when you'll listen to it. But we do release these on Monday evening, so we can't quite say. So we can't quite say, but there will be a live Stop Podcasting Yourself in Vancouver as part of the Northwest Comedy Fest. Yeah, it'll be on Saturday, February 15th is when the show is happening. Yeah, and it will feature... Somebody.

We can't say, but it's your favorite guest. Yeah, super great uh and so what you need to do stop podcasting yourself listener is you need to uh uh basically follow us on twitter or uh our facebook group um yeah to find out how you as a fan of the show can get the jump yeah there will be on the schlubs yeah there will be pre-sale tickets on Wednesday, starting on Wednesday, going to Thursday, before they go on sale to the public. Although, I mean, I'm not too worried about the public being like, oh, I don't listen to this show.

I refuse to follow these guys online, but I want to go to it. Yeah. But yeah, so follow us at uh at dave shumka at graham clark yes uh or join our facebook group and uh we will put all the information on tuesday for when you can buy pre-sale tickets on wednesday to this event happening february 15th hopefully uh you're still listening yeah um i guess now we can just move on to overheards. On with the show.

This is it. Max Fun Con is the ultimate weekend getaway. Come to the mountains of Southern California. Hang out with brilliant, creative people. Laugh at amazing comedy shows. Make friends for the rest of your life. Tickets are on sale now. Go to MaxFunCon.com while we've still got room.

This is Fitz. This is Fitz. This is Teresa. We host a show called One Bad Mother. We're a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids. Weird. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like shit for being a mom.

Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Overheards. Overheards. A thing where... This is the show where Lynn apologizes. No, this is the greatest.

Now, these are things that you overhear when you're out in the world. And little tidbits. And we always like to start with the guest. Okay. And so you ready? Ready to lead the charge? Yes. I just want to let you know, I knew...

I haven't showered in 10 days. Sorry, sorry, sorry. But I... I knew about overheard, so I was eavesdropping. Nice. But can I do an oversee? Yeah. Okay. And can I do it from the past?

Absolutely. You can do it from the 20s. This is an oversee, and it involves my sister, Jill. We grew up in a suburb called burlington ontario and and it's like a suburb and who's the most famous person from burlington ontario the coat i hate to say this but please look up burlington on wikipedia and guess who's there who's a guy named jim carrey there oh okay there's a gentleman named ryan g there. Oh, wow. There is a mighty fine anti-Robin Givens lady, Lynn Shaw, on there, and I haven't even done anything. My life's a scam.

Before we started recording, we talked about how you're anti-Robin Givens. Yes. We'll never revisit that. But just to let you guys know, you're pro-Robin Givens. No, wait, what? Graham said he you're pro-Robin Givens. No, wait, what? Graham said he was really pro-Robin Givens. And then we got sort of sidetracked by Holly Robinson-Pete. Yeah.

Who was sort of like the original mommy blogger, but she didn't have a blog. Was she on Family Matters as well? No, no, no. Who was Aunt Rachel? Some lady. Some lady. Different lady. I got very, oh my gosh, it's almost like Family Matters is only blobbing.

Like TV. Like Family Matters and Sisters and stuff. Like those sort of shows. Oh, Sisters. Sisters. Yeah. Well, Sisters was a show as well with CeeLo Ward. Oh, yeah.

Oh my gosh. CeeLo Ward. It was a Saturday night drama. Was that... Ally McBeal was also on that? Or what was that one? That she was on after? Brothers and Sisters.

Brothers and Sisters. Brothers and Sisters. Yeah, there we go. All right. Okay. Do you guys know about the Waltons? Okay. We're not going down this hole. I don't know anything pre-Seal Award.

Oh, I don't mean a really good impersonation from the grandma from the Waltons, but it's visual. Okay. So here's my oversaw. My sister, Jill, who's older than me we we grew up in um burlington ontario home of jim terry home of ryan gosling there you go and jillian barberry but people in l.a might only know that because she's a newscaster oh we know jillian barberry oh yeah we well you know we have her uh calendars whatever no no okay so anyway my sister she must have been six or seven and and we lived in, you know,

like it was a suburban house, two floors. And my father, I'm sorry, Shawcroft Travel Service, he worked a lot. And when he'd come home, the thing he did around the house is sometimes he'd go out with the hose and spray the driveway and the bushes, you know what I mean? Just to escape you damn kids. Yeah, just like, those are rotten. You were gross. And he would, like, spray the hose down on the front drive forever,

that kind of thing. It was just like a manifestation of man and his pain. It was before people had iPods. Yes, exactly. So he would do that, and he would use the hose, and it had that nozzle on the front that you pull that looks like a little mini program. So my sister Jill, she was up in her bed. I think it was 7 or 8.

She was in her bedroom. She was looking out and watching him, and then all of a sudden he noticed her, and he aimed the hose up to her window. And she thought my dad was shooting him. Sorry. window and she thought he was she thought my dad was shooting him sorry sorry she oversaw she thought my dad had a gun riddling the driveway with bullets so she he looked up and squirted her like in a joking way. And she thought he had a gun and was trying to kill him. She ran and hid. And I think she thought my dad was violent after that. Yeah, wow.

That's an overseer. I don't know if there was. No, that was incredible. Yeah, that's fine. Everything about that was just dandy. Hi, Daddy. Oh, my God. She like ran and hid. He's got a gun and it's connected to a hose it's got all sorts of bullets yeah unlimited it was like a car cleaning it was all of a sudden a

thing like she said elected i'm small and then the gun yeah did he mouth the word fuck you but like then she like kind of had that vision in her like oh my god how come no one knows that dad tried to shoot me

last night give me all your toys I'm gonna say that if I ever kill somebody Dave do you have an over I feel like everything this week is about me

watching this one TV like just watching the news yeah anyway oh my gosh what if it's about Febreze again, and then we figure it out that you work for Febreze. Febreze, or the cops getting cars broken into.

Wizard cops. On the weekend news, every week they bring in a different expert. And so, you know, one Saturday they'll have an expert on, like, house stuff. Like, you know, an expert on house stuff. Like, I got a plumbing problem. Right. And the guy says, call a plumber. And so people call in. Like remodeling and stuff.

People call in, and one time it's a tax guy, and whatever. People call in with their questions. But first they do a little segment with the guy where he explains something. And then they get to the calls. So this week it was a guy who was an animal expert. I think he was a vet. Okay. Do you have reptiles?

No, he was talking about... You're thinking of the person ringing reptiles. Yeah, it was Jungle Jack Hannah. On the local Como Lake. And so what they did is they... He was explaining animal hazards at Christmas. Oh, I see. Like your house pets.

Yeah. Like don't, yeah, be careful. Don't feed tinsel to your cat. And like, don't put chocolate under the tree. So many warnings at holiday time. Oh, man. Fraught with holly berries. Poison.

He talked a long time about all this stuff. And so he talked a long time about all this stuff. And then finally they got to the calls and the host said, okay, now, Jeannie, you're our first caller. You've been waiting patiently on the line for a while. And the woman said, yeah, I just want to know, how can you tell if your dog has had a stroke? Oh, no. Oh, no. Poor dog. But it's like. Jeannie's like genie here's how you can tell your dog's dead oh yeah well maybe but maybe only like just kind of limping on the left side yeah frankie muniz

has had two strokes what yeah did you know that please tell me the truth right now no absolutely frankie muniz the he just had his second stroke what's okay this is really crazy and it's gonna sound gross but i play a death pool and i have frankie muniz on him oh well that does sound bad yeah you're right here's the bow it's for charity um I don't know. Is he fine? He's got really fast cars. Yeah, well, maybe that's part of the problem. Stroke would be so awful. Yeah, two strokes, he's only like 27 years old.

I know, think about it. One more stroke and he's out. Yeah, that's the rule. You go into stroke detention. Oh my gosh, I hate it. We wish you will. Yeah. We wish you will. Yeah. We wish you will.

Frankie, with your right ear, can you hear me? Wish you well. Yeah, I'm a sheep. I wish you will. He plays drums in a band. That's the last we heard. Have you ever braided your beard? Yep.

Huh? Have you ever braided your beard? Yeah, well, I haven't. I let a girl do it once. And her hands fell off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that girl's name was Robin Givers. Now your turn.

My overheard. Seems like you're getting sleepy. Oh, I am. I love Dave's dog very much, but I'm also very allergic to him. Oh, yeah. You've been here a while. Over the process of time, I get very slow. I slow down because of allergies.

Oh, and viewers, if you've seen his face online, it's very soft. He doesn't have a wrinkle, but he's slowly getting sleepy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My eyes are starting to close independent of one another. His face is sort of like, he's saying bing bong. He's sort of a blue circle with red lips, and his eyes are crossed. I can sort of like, he's saying bing bong. He's sort of a blue circle with red lips and his eyes are crossed. I can sort of see that. Yeah, he's by a noose with a bow.

That's me. My overheard, I was walking downtown. I was actually walking with you and I heard it and I think that you didn't hear it. Is this yesterday? This was yesterday. We were walking downtown. We were headed't hear it. And it was... Was it yesterday? This was yesterday. We were walking downtown. We were headed to Harvey's. Have it your way.

Really? Harvey's makes your hamburger a beautiful thing. Yeah. We were walking downtown. That's not Harvey's. Harvey's, yeah. That's Burger King. No.

Oh, Burger King is... Have it your way. I said the wrong thing. Okay, sorry. Yeah. So we're walking downtown, and there were two... Underneath the Vogue Theater's marquee. Okay.

There was two very obviously homeless guys. Young guys, though, right? Well, one of them was young, and one of them, I feel, was middle-aged. Okay. And the middle-aged guy was yelling at the younger guy, and all caught him saying was well what am i gonna do with a million dollars was the young guy like no just take it he's like what am i gonna do with it no we gotta split it yeah yeah or or was he just like i like i i like having zero you know i had a million and i gave it up and i'm happy now what if they found a lottery

check maybe a lot oh maybe ah no i was gonna say okay i was gonna say well i was gonna think like maybe they were like begging for money and someone gave him a lottery ticket yeah and before they're like i don't want the stress of a million dollars that's oh i like how you take yeah like yeah don't bring that noise over here. I made one decision based on money. I swore I would never do it again. Who said it? Billy Bean, Moneyball. Whoa!

Good one. I only watch Moneyball every day. Moneyball and the global news. Is Moneyball that one with the weird train thing? Yeah, it's the weird train. Yeah, there's a train incident. That someone copied. Yeah, everyone copies this train incident.

All I know is the controversy. And it's how you get to the money and the balls. Are you thinking money train? Yeah. What's money ball? Oh, money ball. Baseball. No, money ball is like a TV show where the numbers pop up.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Number wang. You guys are both wrong. It's time for written in overheards. Okay. Now, if you want to be one of these people who writes in overheards to us, you can send them into spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Matt in Edmonton.

This is him getting an email response from a mail server that was uniquely human-esque in a Hal sort of way. H-A-L. The dad from Malcolm in in the middle that's right so this is the response he gets back he sent an email that can't be sent says hi this is the q mail send program at mail then a bunch of letters i'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following address. This is a permanent error. I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out. Really? Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

Computer, don't get so down in the dumps. The worst is when you get an email. When you get a couple of bits. When you screw up an email or you send it to the wrong person and you get something back from Mailer Demon. Yes! Yeah, Mailer Damon.

Close. Mailer Damon. Do you know that Matt Damon's brother? Really? Mailer Damon. It is. He's like, why couldn't he have Casey Affleck? Yeah, one of them got into show business, the other one got into email. What's your view on Casey Affleck? I'm pro.

Yeah, me too. Me too. All three of us pro Casey Affleck. Don Baby gone. Great too. All three of us pro Casey Affleck. Don Baby Gone. Great. Oh my god, I really love that movie. Is Drowning Mona good? Drowning Mona's great. Is it a thriller? No. It's a comedy. Oh, how old is it?

Oh, 14. Casey was 13 years. He was in a papoose. And he has a very nice wig in it. Oh, wow. Danny DeVito, Will Ferrell. Bette Midler's amazing in it.

She plays Mona. Oh, okay. Sorry, people, but I'm going to rent that tonight. Yeah. All right. No, don't apologize. It's a town. There's a murder.

Everyone wanted to kill this lady, Mona. Yes. And everyone in the town drives a Yugo. Oh, I'm going to watch. Oh, I'm going to watch. Don't you miss thrillers like 1995? Like Drowning Mona. Yeah.

Well, like what? Like, um. Cape Fear? What's that one with George Harrison? Oh, shit. Jeez. All Things Must Pass. No, and the wife.

The culture of Bangladesh. No, it's like. Not burgers. Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones. all things must pass. No, and the wife... The culture of Bangladesh. No, it's like... Lawn chokers. Indiana Jones. I was trying to spit beer all over the place. Indiana Jones, and he was like a prosecutor.

I don't know, like I like the 90s. Not George Harrison, Harrison Ford. Presumed innocent. Oh, okay. Things like that where it's like,

oh my God, that's right. You know what I mean when the twist happens? You're like, oh my God. god oh my god i'm an idiot oh my gosh did you know she had that thing on i just love that kind of way it's like a magic trick where you've noticed it but yeah or just kind of like what about the game have you seen the game burning yet yes so that's exactly what i'm talking about stuff like that yeah can we all right can we please can we please have more of the game, more like the long goodbye

that's too stylized. Maybe a really good money ball two and three. But yeah, okay, sorry. So this next one comes from Caro S. in Burnaby, B.C. How do you spell Caro?

C-A-R-O. Like the beginning of caraway seed. Yeah, like the beginning of carob. So this is, we recently came back from a vacation in Ontario. Bragging. At the gate for the return flight, we were moved from the eighth row to the second row. That's first class. Yeah, very excited about these plus seats.

They have extra leg room, right? So it's very excited. They got a sandwich included in the flight. Oh, yeah. It's only extra leg room if you got short legs. Yeah. Well, yeah. No, but if it's short legs, extra, extra leg room.

Gotcha. Oh, yeah. So between three rows, there are nine seats. If you have super short legs, it's a yard. Oh, yeah. There are nine seats in the plus rows. I think they filled at least six of these seats with people's a yard. Oh, yeah. There are nine seats in the plus rows. I think they filled at least six of these seats with people from other sections. After we were seated, another couple sat down in row three behind us.

The woman said to the man, ooh, can you feel the extra four inches? Pretty great. Nice. Right? Yeah. She didn't know. Bless her little heart. Yeah.

That's all the difference in the world. Tell me about it. It's known in the business as night and day. Yeah. I never thought this would happen to me. I'm just a regular guy with a nine inch penis. This last one. There's an equation

there but in a way I like the people that write into your show yeah me too they're good people you're good eggs

yeah this last one comes from Eric A good egg this is Eric from Portland with an overheard from the Rose Quarter I'm not sure what that is

the Rose Quarter I think it's a section of town and that's all I know no I think you're right of course just from the word Quarter. I'm not sure what that is, the Rose Quarter. I think it's a section of town, and that's all I know. No, I think you're right. Of course. Just from the word quarter. But it also could have been a restaurant, Rose Quarter. Or just like a giant quarter made out of roses.

Oh, fun. Oh, my gosh. And you put it in an enormous video game. Yeah. I was going to say like a Rose Quarter. It's like, yeah, man, that quarter's rose. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Absolutely. No, but you're right you do know you do know yeah uh so this is uh this is a younger guy talking to his grandmother saying uh listen grandma you've got to stop comparing yourself to nba players you are no muggsy bokes Oh, Grandma might be a Mugsy Bogues. Oh, she certainly might be a Larry Johnson. Who's a Mugsy Bogues? Oh, he was the tiniest. Yeah, he was the Spud Webb of his generation. Yeah.

What years? Mid-90s. Yeah. Was Spud Webb pre? They maybe had some overlap. Was Spud Webb the original tiny? Yeah. Yeah, he won the slam dunk competition.

He was 5'6". Yeah, and the NBA has tiny dogs. I know, I know. is spy boy the original tiny yeah yeah he won the slam dunk competition he was five foot six uh yeah and the nba this tiny i know i know they when you see them up against the giants i think you won this crazy competition who's like the biggest like who's a basketball player where you look at you go that's not like just i don't know i don't know like shaquille o'neal is always ridiculous would he be able to go in this room? Manute Ball was... Manute Ball was 7'7". Wow. Shaquille O'Neal was just, I think, 7 feet.

Maybe 7'1 or 2. I know, but he's like a monster. He's like got... The guy from China? Like, if you stick his hand in it, he can't come out. Yao Ming, I think, is around 7. Yao Ming was tall. He's crazy.

He was 7'7". Manute Ball was... George Marazon was about that so it's sean bradley play for until he died did he die because he was seven seven well yeah probably yeah i only learned this last year i was hanging out with the community he's really funny gary goldman oh yeah he's tall and he he pointed out was a couple years ago you never see like really tall 90 year olds no they shrink down like candy canes no theyolds. They die young. They shrink down. They die young because you never see...

Oh, they shrink. It's crazy. You never see... No, you're right. You never see really hot old people either. Oh, not true. Like a super hot 90-year-old? Yeah. George Harrison. George Morrison. George Harrison.

Yeah. Wait, which one was in the Beatles? George Harrison? Yeah. He's the tallest Beatles. The tall one. He was the fifth and sixth. Yeah.

He was the Bosnian one. Old people are us. You understand? Like, it's weird. You could be like this beautiful person that's like had sexual encounters, a really great life. And then you live enough old enough to become literally a reptile. Do you know what I mean?

And that's your outward person is... I've seen people that are like... And it's like, oh my God, you were a teacher, and now you represent old reptiles. You were a teacher. You had all these sexual encounters with your students. You know what I mean? And now you're a sex reptile.

You've learned a lot of languages. You paid your bills. You put what I mean? And now you're a sex reptile. You've learned a lot of languages. You paid your bills. You put on makeup if you're a male. You wore a doll. And now you are a crocodile. You know what I mean? No, it's true. It's crazy.

It's stupid. It's going to be great when like visiting Morrissey or the guy from The Cure in an old folks' house. Oh, crazy, crazy. Hair not able to. Well, it's also sometimes you see an old guy and he's still yeah all my friends are dead but you know like an old guy who's still styling his hair even though like most of it's fallen or dying it yeah and he's still like wearing a pop door 70s yes yeah yeah yeah what about 95 yeah you talking like 60s, 70s and stuff? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about 95? Yeah, idiot.

You're just sitting in a world that is completely, you don't understand, going, but yeah, I understand, I invented something. Like, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I invented the pocket fisherman. Ron Popeil says to no one. Is Ron Popeil so old? No, he was killed in a rotisserie

chicken accident. He was dehydrated. Just tell me if that's true. He was caught in his dehydration. He was made into pasta. I didn't know he did the dehydrator, too. He's our Thomas Edison. He died in a spray-on hair accident. I used to think the pocket fish roe was like the caviar of fishing rods.

You know what I mean? It's the Cadillac of fishing rods. No, the caviar of fishing rods. You know what I mean? It's the Cadillac of fishing rods. No, the caviar of... In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people have.

Hello, Dave, Graham, and guests. I was just sitting in the main lounge of my dorm waiting for a friend, and I overhear these three slightly intoxicated girls talking amongst each other. I don't know that they were intoxicated because they admitted it very loudly. One of them is called by her either new or prospective boyfriend, and they all become

very giggly um and uh one of the girls finally coaxes though on the phone to hand her phone over so that she can question this this gentleman about his values and his intentions with her friend and um she just asks him, what are your values? And she seems very disappointed and hands the phone back to her. And it made sense that he didn't say anything, which the other girl who's been relatively quiet at this point responds with, well, he's obviously a piece of shit. Oh, that's really funny to even know. Like, that's so funny. What are your values? Yeah, I wouldn even know how like that's so funny what are your values yeah i

wouldn't know how to answer that uh bulk bins bulk bins i like buying things in bulk and uh i uh rotate the yeah i pass the savings on to you yeah like it's so weird like in american television dating shows like on their first date they'll be like well we have the same values i'm like what are you talking about if there was a hurricane right now you'd eat him that's your value are you a situational cannibal in 65 years we'll both be reptile people do you love cannibalism is only when the world's coming to us like but like the values is that's so funny to watch that what's your value he's a piece of shit. His values are all over the map. He values

his channel. True value hardware. Drunk girls. He just kept saying value village, which is stupid. It's not a value. Although there is something about drunk girls. When you're on the phone with them, you want to impress them.

Yeah. Is there a fax so I can fax my resume? Just a minute. Hold on, hold on. I'm not online looking about. I have a moral compass. I don't know. Which drunk girl am I speaking to now?

Should I speak to your supervisor? Put Kyla back on. Kyla. Kyla's like, I just. I am Kyla. Hi, I'm Kyla. Hi, I'm Kyla. I, listen, I'm blood.

I tell the truth. Yeah, yeah. Some people can't handle it, but that's my value. That's what you get when you get Kyla. Listen, I'm Kyla. My friends are like,

Kyla, you just say what everybody wants to say. Yeah. Oh, Kyla, you puked all over my phone. When we were in high school, you guys had to deal with drunk girls. Oh, absolutely. Still do. Still do. No, never in high school, you guys had to deal with drunk girls.

Oh, absolutely. Still do. No, never in high school. But post. Yeah. I was a resident advisor at university. All I did was deal with drunk girls. Lots of crying.

Yeah. Like, oh, I barbed down my bladder. What was your tolerate? Like, at that age, like, when you, like, probably, like, wanted to make out with everyone and stuff. Did you have to tolerate it? Or were you always like, he's stupid? It depends on how attractive they were. There you go. Yeah.

And there, we've just, in summation, Dave's morals. Yeah. What are your values? Values. He values attraction over idiocracy. Yeah. Excellent. Here's your next phone call.

Newspo. Hey, Dave Graham and Canadian guest. This is Brian in South Florida with an overseeing. I was out for a run this morning at about 630, so it's starting to get light out. And I ran by my neighbor's, running towards my neighbor's house. And as he sees me, he's kind of looking around. He's out front of his house by his recycle bin. The recycle's out this morning. And he has, like, broken-down cardboard boxes in a plastic grocery shopping bag,

and he's putting the boxes into the recycle bin one at a time. And as I get close, he kind of turns a little bit, but I can see the two boxes he has in his hand that he's looking at. And one is a collapsed cardboard box for a dildo, and one is a collapsed cardboard box for, like, a sexy French maid outfit. And on the cover is, like, a girl with a French maid headpiece and then a thong. And then when I run by, I look back, and he's putting those two boxes in the recycle bin. That's adorable. Don't know why he didn't just leave them in the bag and close the bag and put them in the trash.

I assume he was trying to hide them from his children. Thanks. But he's like, it's the environment, man. Yeah. My partner's like, they were all collapsed. He had to, like, fold down the dildo thing. Or you got to fit them into the bag. Oh, boy.

That's really sweet. You should do that in the house. Yeah. You should, you know, maybe make sure that the outside of the dildo box is facing... Or, like, just say, sorry, world, and throw it in the garbage. Yeah. Did you hear about that guy, too? Like, when she's finished with the dildo, they dismantle it with a screwdriver.

Take the internals out to the proper... Yeah, to the fire station. Can I recycle my batteries here? Yes. Please drop your cell phone and dildos off. Now, packaging usually, the reason that it exists is so that when other people see you with it, they go, oh, it's like a free ad from the company, right? No, but it's to attract you in the store. Sure, but I feel like you go into a dildo store, they're all out on display.

You pick one out and they give you a box. It's not like a gun store. No, yeah, it is like a gun store. They're all out. And you have to have a license to go with a dildo license. I'm really only familiar with gun stores. Did you know that if you had a breakdown in college, you can't buy a dildo ten years later? Can I take this dildo out on the firing range?

Yeah, you have to get friends to sign it. Yeah, but they're all up. We're okay with them having a dildo. There's a loophole if you go to a dildo show. Yeah, exactly. And, oh my gosh, a little little tail up party. But I feel like if you've already bought a dildo like you could be in a brown cardboard box

that says granola on the outside you're so right do you want the box no I'll wear it out yeah yeah you're so right because they show them

and you can be like can I get one like a shoe box like you don't have the picture of the shoe on the outside it doesn't need to be it doesn't need to say

like the you know smasher final overhurt like the, you know, Smasher. Final overheard? Uh, yeah. Yeah. I haven't overheard today,

but it was me. Was it, was it dildo adjacent? No, it's just this guy, Salvation Army guy singing, um, um, Little Drummer Boy. And so I heard him,

so I started singing and then I saw it was a Salvation Army, so I had to unhear it so I didn't have to give money. That's not an overword. That's just you rationing. That's my value. Oh, yeah.

Kayla, listen, it was just one time. I give to others. Hey, yourself, podcasters. This is Raymond in Chicago with an overheard. I was at the DMV, and two teenagers came in and saw how crowded it was. One of them said, man, this line sucks. Big dick. And then there was an old lady in line who turned away, and she giggled and said, hee hee hee, big dick.

That probably made her whole day. She's like, I was wondering what this line sucks. This was really, this round of overheards was really phallocentric. I know. I believed in something. I would think, the world is having sex out there.

No, no, no. Well, that's one of my values, that other people are having sex out there. Yeah. People don't like it. No, no, no. Well, that's one of my values, is that other people are having sex. Yeah. We need more ladies. Ladies to call in. Yeah. Ladies, if you're out there, call us. I know your ears are working.

Ladies, if you can listen to anything except values and alcohol, do it. Yeah. 206-339-8328. Now, that brings us to the end of this here show. Yes. I feel like we didn't get to... We got to all of it. Were we supposed to be talking about Jacques-Anne Van Damme all the time?

No, we didn't. No, not at any point. And don't you bring him up now. Oh, oh, he's a thing. Okay, but no, you guys are so funny. I feel like I've laughed. Do you feel like you learned? I learned a lot.

I've stared at you, like like really intently with my eyes i can't wait to see the next yeah i've all the gram what if the next drawing is like like perfectly oh yeah i know these are stick figures but the next one will be like oh you know people who like start something and you're like what is that but it's like the armpit you're like and all of a sudden it's it's beautiful yeah it's amazing start with the armpit that's what they say start with the nose always start your armpits personally with an armpit where can people

who want to learn more about you where can they go where can they go on the internet are you on twitter have you ever heard of the Smithsonian

oh yeah no no no I'm on twitter I'm Fonzie's jacket my name is Linny Fonzarella what was Fonzie's girlfriend's name?

Oh, uh... Speedo Petsatorium? Yeah, I knew or something like that. I went, when I asked my dad, I thought I was his girlfriend. When I was a kid, I had a family meeting and I said, hey, can we please, I just wanted to be known as

Thumbelina from now on. And your parents were like past family meeting I said I want to be known as Tinkerbell

for real can I change it and my dad said okay Stinkerbell and then I cried for him yeah and then he pulled out a gun anyway

I'm on Twitter at Shawcroft Pinky Tuscadero Pinky Tuscadero yeah nice Pinky Tuscadero so where are you on Twitter

I'm on Twitter at Shawcroft just at Shawcroft. Just at Shawcroft? Yeah. Nice. Easy peasy. What are you guys?

You're at? I'm at Graham Clark. He's at Dave Shumka. Yeah. Easy peasy. You're at the? You're at Grr? Grr. Yes.

You're at Shumka. And I hope to be doing more shows and doing other things this year. But yeah, like that's where people can find out. Yeah, sure. I'm on Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. You. Yeah, sure. I'm on Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. You're everywhere.

Yes. I'm at a house. You're at a house. Thank you, guys. Thanks for being on our show. Thank you for being our guest. Okay, thanks. It was a lot of fun.

Sure. Yes. All right, all right, all right. Yes. Listen, listeners, oh, shut up. Graham's like, oh. No. You're great.

I know. But they have beautiful teeth. Thanks for having me. Good night. Okay. Beautiful teeth? Yeah. No, you're great. I know. But they have beautiful teeth. Thanks for having me. Good night. Okay. Beautiful teeth? Yeah. Okay.

Beautiful teeth. Anything to add? I have two beautiful teeth. Yeah. And that's all you wanted for Christmas last year.

Yeah. And you got them. You know what? I forgot to put ads in for MaxFunCon leading up to when the tickets went on sale. Oh.

I think Jesse Thornton is going to be furious with me. Oh no. So go to Maxfuncon.com. maxfuncon.com. Buy your tickets for this holiday season. Oh, it makes a great gift.

Yeah. Yeah. Happening May, June, somewhere around there. Oh, so you can start... When do they go on sale? In May. They go on sale... They're already on sale by the time this episode is out.

And can you buy them online? When do they go on sale? In May. They're already on sale by the time this episode is out. Can you buy them online? That's to attend themaxfund.com in California? Yes. It's really beautiful. There are so many podcasts there. I happened to drop by because I live near there, and there were people that had come from all over,

and they loved it. For real. So much fun. People were loving it. If you're on the fence, there's your testimony. Yes. I talked to... I hear good things about this year the the podcast cretins uh-huh no i listened to them no no no there was there were people from all over and they loved it yeah we had a test we had a hot testimony until cretins Tasty Custodero. Testimonial Custodero. Custodero. But no, there are people from all over.

Yeah. Amazing. It's a lot of fun. It really is. It's beautiful. And if you want to check out MaximumFun.org, the blog recap relating to this episode. And if you want to get in touch with us, it's SP at maximumfund.org or 206-339-8328. And if you like the show, why don't you tell your friends? Yeah, do that.

Yes. You know, go to iTunes, leave a nice review. These are all things you can do. I feel like I had something I need to plug in here. I'm going to do things like that. Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine. Okay.

Don't worry about it. Sure. Yeah. If you like the show, tell your friends. Come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Yep.