Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 30 - Reggie Watts

Episode Date: September 22, 2008

Brooklyn-based comedy mindblower Reggie Watts joins the boys to talk about sweatpants, trophies, and the Muppets.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hey everybody, welcome to episode 30 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. 30 long episodes. Can you believe it that we've come this far? Yeah, we, I don't know, I guess I believe it. My name is Graham Clark, and joining me here in the office is Golden a golden globe award winner dave shumka thanks everyone uh it was for

a walk-on role in ugly betty joining us i played her crush you were good yeah you were you were uh brian singer good i don't know what that i don't know what that means um and joining us here is a comedian and musician is that right sure sure um a guest here in town for the vancouver comedy festival uh the the wonderful mr reggie watts why thank you thanks for coming out man yeah man i'm stoked yeah well we made it it seemed like. It seemed like there was a couple tense moments there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a lot. When we were trying to find that T, we were nearly very unsuccessful.

We almost had a brown M&M moment. Oh, man. Yeah. Jesus. I don't even know what that means. I mean, I kind of do. It's not poo related. Okay, okay, okay.

You should have said green M&M. Now I know what you mean. Now I know what you mean. Did we leave the other teas in the freezer? Yeah. The teasers? I can go get one in a moment. Grandpa will go get one.

Yeah, Grandpa's got it wrapped up. But yeah, man. So you've listened to the podcast. You know how this works, sort of. Really? So the first segment that we like to do always is something we call Get to Know Us. Get to Know Us. So we'll get to know our guest first.

Reggie, what's happening now, in the near future, or just in general? Anything awesome happen since you got to Vancouver? Let's see. I'm checking the now near banks um i think i don't know you know i saw a lot a lot of drug users um that's vancouver on a walk to get drugs um so you were like you you guys were similar purpose we shared We shared in something. There was like a waking acknowledgement. The outcome, like where the path splits, just kind of went to some different realms. But yes, I decided to, I saw this guy named Will Self give a talk on something called psychogeography. Oh, I've read Will will sell one of his books and he has

a book called psychogeography okay which was like an old school like french thing like these people called the flanners and um the situationists and these right these psychogeographical walks through cities where they would they would drift they would get really drunk and then they just drift through the city to understand the city from foot as opposed to uh what they call aotechnical means of transportation or whatever but all it meant is that walk walk do a shitload of walking and you'll get to know the area that you're in that's basically so that's why i walked yeah there. There's a famous director. I can't remember his name. But he's directed hundreds and hundreds of films. Not Bryan Singer. Merv Marfston?

Merv Marfston, I think is who I was thinking of. He said, yeah, the only way to get to know a city is to do it on foot. Yeah. Yeah. Which is true, actually. It makes sense. And I thought that that would be... I was inspired.

I was like, yes. I subscribe to some of those views and then I walked and you know it's about an hour walk right I just I think I picked all the wrong ways to go yeah one real wrong way to go tragedy after tragedy the exact one wrong way to go yeah there's the one one the one one yeah there's a couple streets that are like better or worse but there's there's one that's always bad yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i think you're performing just off of that street tonight i heard that's what's happening i was like i was pretty excited about that it's uh it's it's a whole different i want to see more yeah man well you you if you uh literally wherever that venue is it's only like a couple blocks away right yeah oh yeah when we were driving when we we went to go see ass cat last

night at the fire hall and we uh as we were leaving we were driving past uh crack whores wait a minute you don't know that they're whores. And we're like, wait a minute. Wait a minute, you don't know that they're whores. Well. That's, no, I mean, yeah, they're crack, they're ladies of the night. Well, maybe they're whores of the drug. They were dressed. See, they're the drug's whore.

Well, I guess they were wearing sweatpants, so that doesn't... That doesn't equal crack whore. I was wearing sweatpants this morning. What is that? Oh, yeah, I guess if the pants, the sweatpants fit, wear them. They always fit. Yeah. yeah yeah that's true have you ever gotten to a point where sweatpants don't fit no no i have not never no i mean i've i've had i have weight issues but uh i have to say that uh i've always you know i've always thought i've always future-proofed my sweatpants nice see i know i never i always think that whatever weight I'm at when I buy something, I'm going to stay at that weight forever.

Yeah. So right now, every pair of pants I own are incredibly tight because I put on weight in the summer. Yeah. But I refuse to buy a pair that fit properly. No, of course not. Because I think I'm going to go back that way. Of course. But I know it's not going to – it's probably not going to happen.

You owe it to yourself, man. You've got to do it. I've got to get back? Yeah, you've got to go back that way. Of course. But I know it's not going to happen. You owe it to yourself, man. You've got to do it. I've got to get back? Yeah, you've got to go back, man. You can't keep yo-yoing like this. Yeah, you can't keep doing that, man. But that's how I sell my diet books. Oh, right.

Yeah, like if I don't come up with a new diet every two years, then I don't move any copies. You won't get hired to be a spokesperson for Weight Watchers if you're not fat first. No, you've got to yo-yo. You've got to come from somewhere. Yeah, exactly, right? And those pants are acting, that waistline is acting as your boundary. It's like, oh, there's the perimeter alert. Yeah, and I'm living on the perimeter right now, alert.

Perimeter alert. You have two months to deactivate. I like that you're forward thinking when it comes to sweatpants. That's good. Especially sweatpants. Yeah, man. Yeah, because we know how inflexible they are. Unforgiving.

And right now you make your home in New York City, right? Yeah, I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Nice. Yeah, Brooklyn's great. I was just there in April, and it was amazing. A lot of tight pants. A lot of tight pants walking around. Not my kind of a town.

When you're kind of a bigger-boned person, you just can't really rock the tight pants. Reggie, you look great. You do. You look fantastic. I don't want you to stop. You're beating yourself up over nothing. Yeah, but you look great. You do. You look fantastic. I don't want you to stop. You're beating yourself up over nothing. Yeah, but I don't weigh 90 pounds. He's a fool

to have let you go. You mean by he, you mean the thousands of people who live. It's like, if you're skinny and you're weird, move to Williamsburg. It's really what it is, right? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, it's like, you know, it's a facsimile of a facsimile of a facsimile.

Like, the image is a facsimile. The hipster, like, it's carbon copy. You know, even what's ironic about it, what's interesting, there's a few areas, at least in the United States, that are related, that have a similar aesthetic. Right. And one is Portland. Okay, yeah. Another one is Portland another one is Austin

Madison, Wisconsin Madison, Wisconsin is Madison another one? I think so there has to be but the ones that I know I was going to say Missoula, Montana would count as a hipster kind of place

where is Missoula, Montana in relation to cordelaine oh well it's um it's in it's uh before the mountains it's on the it's on the east side of the mountain range okay all right um and uh it's uh it's down from the let's see i only know in relation to driving, and I know it's about four hours away from my hometown in Montana. Okay. Great Falls. All right. I'll worry about him. I'm always worried about that guy, especially when he doesn't have his walker.

He's talking about Grandpa. Grandpa, where's your walker? Oh, that's me. But, yeah, the thing about Missoula is that they really are that way like a hipster in missoula is slightly influenced by music and culture but they're just kind of they're just weirdos man like like montana kids are are just like i mean you have a bit of that in canada too there's like you have your own thing you know i mean it's like so so it doesn't quite count like williamsburg mostly it's a person who's a composite of many different elements to form the proper signature iconic look in order to fit into the scene because

that was the thing when i when i was there we i was there with a buddy and we most definitely stuck out like sore thumbs walking down the street. Yeah, you're just walking around, and you're like, God damn it, I'm not this. Yeah, well, and I'm not. Yeah, it was like, we got to find... We were standing on the street between two bars, and one looked super duper hip, and it was designed to look like somebody's basement.

Of course. It looked like a basement from the 70s. somebody's basement right of course it like so it looked like a basement from the 70s and then the other one was kind of more like a tgi friday-esque kind of bridge and tunnel yeah and so i was like but where do we go like which one are we gonna fit into less by being in yeah so we decided on uh we stayed We went to the basement-looking bar, and we didn't fit in at all. We were... This was in Manhattan?

No, this was in Brooklyn. Oh, this was in Brooklyn. Yeah. Okay. We just literally got off the train and walked like three blocks, and we found kind of a street of bars. I don't remember what stop it was.

Maybe Bedford, maybe? Might have been Bedford, yeah. Yeah, it's the first stop off Manhattan. And it was like super... What's the equivalent in Grand Theft Auto? auto you know i haven't played the new one so i don't i don't know what new clubs they've built okay well never mind then i was about to get really exciting i was like wait no i don't have that knowledge oh they changed the name of everything in that do they yeah but it looks like something oh it, it looks like New York.

Liberty City. And then, I forget what Brooklyn is. It's like Bridgetown or something. Oh, Crooklyn. Crooklyn. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what's happening now. Was that a Spike Lee joint?

That was a Spike Lee joint. Yeah. It was following the Crocs. Was it a Spike Lee joint? I wonder if someone ever did that, like, you know, after, like, passing a literal joint. You're like, this is actually a Spike Lee joint. This actually is a Spike Lee joint. He's a craftsman.

He is a craftsman. He's a craftsmission. I don't know why I just say that. You know, I'm surprised that, and maybe there is somewhere in North America, that there isn't a company, a company that makes rollies or some sort of marijuana paraphernalia that is called a Spike Lee joint. That would, to me, I mean, you'd get sued into oblivion. Probably his hometown.

I bet you in his hometown there's like a weed salesman. That's like, these are Spike Lee joints. Yeah, these are Spike Lee, that's how he like them. It's just like, I don't even care. Doesn't get you, huh? So, yeah, well, that's cool. And you're going back home for a week or something like that after the festival? Yeah, right after the festival, I'm going to go to Montana, visit my mom,

and hopefully my friends from growing up there. That's cool. And that'll be really good. And then I'm going to go to Sydney to do this promo thing for the Sydney festival for like five days, which is just going to be really stupid, like a 13-hour flight. You've been to Australia before? i've been to australia i had an australian fiancee once whoa back in 97 wow back in 97 that was a hot year for australians if i recall correctly natalie bruglia yeah yeah silver chair that's right oh that's right that was a heavy year for australia and uh uh who else am i thinking of kylie minogue

yeah oh yeah and that that may have been the year we lost michael hutchins we'll have to look into That was a heavy year for Australia. And who else am I thinking of? Kylie Minogue. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And that may have been the year we lost Michael Hutchins. We'll have to look into that. Oh, ouchie. Oh, I think it was a bit later than 97. That was a good one, too. He was a good one. We'll check it out, though.

Yeah, we'll see. We'll get back to you, whoever is listening to this. But, yeah, wow. So, did you frequent Australia then? Is that what happened? No, I literally, I went, I literally, I love it when I proceed with literally because, you know, otherwise you just never know. Yeah.

I can't wait for the second half of the sentence. Oh my gosh. Literally, I went once. Is that like a euphemism? No, no, no, no. You literally went. Literally, I, no. You literally went. Literally, I went once. You went once.

It was incredible. Was it to Sydney or Perth? No, she came from a little town called Bundaberg. Oh, Bundaberg. Which is in Queen, Bundy Rum. Bundy Rum. Bundy Rum comes from there. That's my Australian accent.

It's pretty good. I'm going to throw another dingo on the baby. I'm going to throw another dingo on the baby. I'm going to put a dingo on the baby. He's like, don't put a dingo on the baby. It won't survive. Yes, so I went there. I went to this little place called Bundaberg. And basically, her parents were like biologists that worked for the state.

They were literally biologists? They literally were. They were literally biologists. They were not the state there were literally biologists they literally literally they were not anything else they literally were that i mean like when you see them and you see them in their office and they've got microscopes and they're looking in books and shit that seems like a crazy made-up thing to be like that seems like something that only happens in movies like a career biologist yeah like i'm a biologist'm like, who pays you to be a biologist? But I guess there's got to be biologists. They really do. They do exist.

It's like leprechauns and biologists. When it's just scientists. I'm a scientist. Specifically, microscopes. Of science. I study microscopes. Scientifically. What do you use to study them? Microscopes. study microscopes scientifically what do you use to study the microscope giant microscope that's not very objective literally literally literally we're very influenced by the microscope lobby well that's the thing it's like you know i mean how they're i mean I have a friend who is a geneticist.

Okay. But she studies the mitochondria, like the process of, was it mitosis or is it meiosis? Cell division. I think it's the process of boring me to death. Yes, it's the process of boring you to death. Anyways, the point is that she's like the person that's publishing those papers that says they you know these two particular algorithms do

not fit you know concurrently with the that's her i want to meet a scientist that talks like that and she's but she's a modern dancer oh so so it's a really weird like did you meet her through her capacity as a scientist or as a modern dancer as a modern dancer that makes more sense yeah because i was like how does how do you go from what it is that you do to i mean it's not impossible that we would have met a geneticist no but it seems like i don't know maybe you frequent labs i don't know how do i know what you do in your spare time? I'm a little bit of a... Mitosis freak. A lab rat. Hanging around labs.

That would be a great Kevin Smith movie. Lab rat. He's due. Lab rat. Oh, man. It's been a dry spell. Jersey Girl? Did anybody see it?

Yeah, well, that was his best one. No need. No need? You knew. Yeah. Anything with Jersey in it, I'm just kind of automatically a mongard. Out. Yeah.

Wow. Ouch. No. No, you're right. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, what am I going to defend that point with that has Jersey in it where I'm like, but what about? I can't think of anything. What about Ottawa? It's like, not the same places at all. Have you been to Ottawa? I haven't think of anything What about Ottawa? Not the same places at all

Have you been to Ottawa? I haven't I like it because it sounds close to otter Yeah, and that's all it is It's just otters? Well, it's not all otters There's some humans We had a truce with the otters

For a long time it was just otters But then we moved in You know how it goes You know politics Yeah, I do it was just otters but then we moved in and you know you know how it goes you know politics yeah i do that's why a quarter of the seats in our legislature well our parliament are otters that's why half of our parliament is land-based and the other half is a water tank that's just incredible and when we pay taxes we pay a clams When we say, do you have any clams, we are being literal.

Do you actually have any clams? I owe the government 25 clams. But enchanting, too. It is, and you know what? It's our fault because we voted them in. We should have learned. They were brutal.

We're like abused wives who just keep going they're against abortion right the otters that's what i that's probably one of the things i i hate most about otters is their stance on they're really against it's like you're not even the same species how dare you yeah how do you know how dare you it's not even about a woman's right to choose It's about a human's right to choose Totally different construct So you go to Otter Hey Graham, let's get to know you

What's going on man I got like crazy allergies This morning I drank a lot last night And you're allergic to the booze? I feel like maybe I am But I'm giving it another shot right now. Right. Just to make sure.

Yeah. Just to make sure that I'm nothing if not taking the scientific approach. Absolutely. Right? Absolutely, yeah. Like I'm going to decide one night of drinking is going to dictate whether or not I'm allergic to drinking? Mm-hmm. Yep.

No, sir. No, no. You need nights and nights of research. Any consistency? Yeah. I've been working on a pie chart at home. Not a pie chart. A pie.

A pie. You've been working on a pie. That's not the same thing. What? Huh? You know what? If you go to a board meeting and you're like, I got a pie,

you're going to get a lot more handshakes at the end of that meeting. You always use that argument. Yeah, you're right. I do. I pull that argument out like way too often. Say I go to a board meeting. God damn it, not that good. So this is your new thing? This is my new thing. Yeah, I drank too much last night.

But it's because all the booze was free. Oh, true. Where? At the Vogue. There was a big trunk of booze. It's a good thing you weren't 18. Yeah. Well, no, that's the thing.

We were just watching before the podcast started, Dr. Phil, and they were talking about the issue of the lowering the drinking age in the states to 18. I think, were they talking about it, or that was like, I think that was Were they deciding it? Yeah, they were deciding for the country. That episode, they were deciding it. Oh, I didn't realize. Yeah, they were going to change the law depending on the outcome of the Dr. Phil

program. Yeah. Is that how the process works in the states? It's quicker. In the states. In the states. We're an. It's a really confusing society. When I think about the Electoral College and how this, the Dr. Phil dictates policy. Yeah, well,

the Electoral College, once it reached 100 episodes, went into syndication. Yep. And, uh... Something new. Something new, guys. Something new.

They really jumped the shark with that Florida thing. Yeah. Yep. So the, uh... So anyways. Yeah, so anyways. something new guys so really jumped the shark with that florida thing but yeah yeah so the uh so anyways yeah so anyways it's the comedy festival and i've done a couple of shows and what else is going on this week i feel like something else has happened like i should have jotted it down but really i think the comedy festival is the big thing yeah i think so too yeah you may have some other big stuff maybe you got a new guest next week that you're not thinking about no you you're it oh that's it

yeah we got you and we got you mean by next week you mean this week this week next week our next week but this week on this podcast literally next week yeah next week is this week holy fucking i know you just i i didn't mean to catch you in a time vortex I did not I wasn't ready for it make sure you bring your sweatpants because you don't know how girthy you're going to be when you come out

happy girthy happy girthy although I did something that I haven't I've never actually had the pleasure of ever having this happen I went to go see a movie on the weekend and the movie I went to go to see a movie on the weekend and the movie that I wanted to go see was sold out was the Coen

Brothers new one burn sold out which has never happened to me before ever when I've gone to the theater I've never been told there's no more seats I don't know why so weird feeling yeah so then I went to the other movie theater that's like kind of a discount theater and Hellboy 2 was playing like right as soon as i got there so i was like oh i'll go see that and it was uh myself and a friend and that was it oh really we were it isn't that great we had the theater to ourselves it was outstanding yeah what theater was that the gravel 7 oh yeah it was a 94545 show, and we were the only of a movie that everybody's already seen or whatever.

And yeah, we had the whole theater to ourselves. It was fantastic. It was... Like, that's... I don't ever want to see movies with people ever again. Well, no. I never do anyway. Have you ever had that before?

Where you've seen a movie, you've had the whole theater to yourself? I was talking on the phone. Like, I was in great falls montana actually um last time that great or is that an exaggeration what's that the falls oh i like it okay all right great no but you know the funny thing is the great the falls aren't even in great falls they're they're it's referring to falls that are a little bit upriver from us so they should call it not literally great fall they should definitely call it they were great

falls ish yeah it falls ish okay falls ish it's like well just commit to it it's the town not literally Great Falls. They should definitely call it, or Great Falls-ish. Yeah. Great Falls-ish. Great Falls-ish. It's like, well, just commit to it. It's the town that uses brackets. They should just move the town. Just creep it up like, you know, a mile every year. Yeah, like what's between Great Falls and the Falls?

Anything? Probably nothing. If they just put a general store between the two, then you could be like, you're still in Great Falls. Yeah, that's true. They did like a... General store store what era am i from general a general store with a post office or a haberdashery yeah haberdashery or like a fish hatchery like a fish hatchery either one of those a cobbler yeah i think it came together want to get to know me? Yeah Dave Something happened to you Yeah what the fuck is going on with you? Same thing as you guys

Comedy Fest Oh shit I thought you had something on your sleeve No I got nothing But no you were actually going to finish something about movie theater Yeah about being in Great Falls Oh I was just saying No quite simply it was Just I was in a movie theater

And I was just It was by myself And I can't remember It was like a movie theater, and it was by myself. And I can't remember. It was a pretty good movie, I guess. And a friend of mine called, and I was like, fuck it, I'm just going to answer the phone. And it was like, when am I ever going to answer a phone? Assholes that I hate that answer their phones. But just do it, not care.

There's no one around around and the movie's playing and i'm just like hey i'm in a movie theater you know like yeah oh should i call back yeah it's like no it's cool there's no one around there's not anyone around me i'm talking and no one's getting mad it's weird it's but it's super weird uh yeah because I felt no problem talking with my friend while it was on and saying, like, I don't like that. Or I like that a lot. It's like, why did they use that special effect? Yeah.

Or I like that monster, but I don't like the other monster. Yeah. Did you see it, Hellboy 2? I saw it, yeah. It was all right. It was good. There's some good, you know, beautiful. I like the dude, the bad dude.

He was cool. Yeah, he was cool. He was kind of like an elephant. Elfino i know he was an elf i know and he was uh he was super creepy he had like the what do you call that guy pinhead from hellraiser hellraiser yeah he had that kind of like a pinhead face yeah yeah oh that's right butterface he was a butterface he totally wasn't butterface because the rest of them pretty good michaelelps-ian shape. I don't get it, because butter's not horrible to look at. I know, but if it's all

over your face, it's like, eww. It's greasy. I see, so it's in reference to it being on a human face. I think that's the reference. That's how it works. Because when I look at butter, I'm like, oh, it looks like some butter. Yeah, I can't believe it's not butter face. I can't it's butter. Yeah, I can't believe it's not butter face. I can't believe it's not butter.

I can't believe it's not butter face. Butter. Is that, do we have, do we have that up here in Canada? Yeah, you guys have butter. I can't believe it's not butter. I think we have that. I don't think we have country crock, the one with the two sets of hands that are having a love affair. Country crock butter.

You remember that campaign, right? In the beige box. Yeah. In a beige tub. It was just hands, right? She would hand them a piece of bread and they'd touch. There's a churn, though, isn't there? On Country Crock.

On the... I don't know. We don't have that. You don't have Country Cock? No, we don't have Country Crock. You mispronounced that. We do not have Country... Prior to the podcast, we were talking about how during the Comedy Fest, it's notorious for having American comedians come up.

And they always have to ask, you guys have, you know, double stuff Oreos here? Because that's half my act. Or whatever product. It's really funnier, too, when you see somebody from the uk or australia and they're talking and like you're with them you're with them and then they'll throw in a crazy term that they just assume yeah will translate like trousers but you know like just all of a sudden like a lot of people don't wouldn't know that quid means several pounds or whatever. A sum of money.

Yeah. But like, there's a couple of quid. And then people are like, what's he talking about squid? Like, they just honestly, like, all, when you say quid. Pro quo? Yeah, exactly. There you go. That should be what people, that determines, that's the mark of a society right there.

I thought he was going to say pro quo after that i just said squid that's yeah that's how me and dave go watch shows he's thinking pro quo and i'm thinking squid because they're perfectly balanced like the vernon shirley so uh dave you got any uh no it's i've just been seeing a bunch of shows and performing in a few and meeting some nice people. Yeah. How's your wife? My wife, my girlfriend is doing great. Girl wife? Yeah.

As far as I know. She's at work right now. Okay. Don't ask. Yeah. Don't ask. Does that hurt your leader skirt? No, that's mine.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Notice the elastic waistband. It's future-proofed. Yeah. Future-proofed. Because in the future, I might want to be a time-traveling cheerleader.

Yay, 1885! Yay, 1660! That's back in the day, cheerleaders cheered for the year. Alright. 1893. She's a witch! And then one day somebody's like, you know, they'd be really good at a sporting event. They don't have to just cheer for the year all the time.

These time cheer people. They're really great on New Year's Eve. So yeah, so your girlfriend's great. She's fantastic. She's Abby Campbell. What is her name? Abby. Oh yeah. Is she a comedian? No, she's not. She's just a funny lady.

Yeah, this is getting weird. Alright. Yeah. Good festival so far. I'm going to join it. You want to do a round of overheards? Have you heard anything? Yeah, I've heard some things. Let's play the theme song.

Overheard. Do you know what overheard is? No. We got a thing. Overheard is like things that you may have overheard people say on a bus or in a lineup or at the bar or that you found particularly hilarious. And then we just relate them. Graham and I will each.

We'll demonstrate. Yeah. And then if anything comes to you, feel free to chime in. There's no B in that. No, could be. It's related to climb. Yeah, you'd think. You'd be wrong.

Do you have one, Graham? Yeah, I do. Or would you like me to go? No, you go ahead and then I'll... Okay. Mine's weird. This week is a weird one. I just heard it the other day, but I think it's got some

gumption. Does it have some tits on it? Yeah, it's got some tits. It's got gumption, it's got tits. Okay, so I was walking my dog, Grandpa, and we went to the pet store, and as we were leaving,

this woman, 60-ish, with a 5-year-old child who I presume was her grandchild. And it looked like she was tired of being with her grandchild all day long. And the same subject kept coming up over and over. finally he dragged her to the pet store and as she was walking in she she yelled at him they don't have pigs so that'd been the ongoing question yeah i imagine no but my friend told me they did have pigs. It would be great if they did. And who doesn't want a little piglet? A pig for a pet would be awesome. Yeah, they're really smart too.

Yeah, and clean, apparently. That's true. They are clean. It would be really weird to have a little pig running around the house. I think it would be great because you'd always know where they were. It would be very weird. That's not the normal thing you see running around the house. Yeah. That's true. Wow, that's not the normal thing you see running around a house. Yeah. That's true.

Hey. Hey. Maybe that shouldn't have been my overheard. That kid had a point. But you don't want to buy a pig from a pet store. No, because they came from pig farm. Pig mills. Pig mills.

Yeah, you got to, yeah. Pig mills, Ontario. You got to go to a breeder. To a pig breeder. Yeah. Have you seen, there's actually, I went by a pet store, and there was these, you know, like there's the little bin of puppies at the window or whatever. Little jar of puppies. Little jar of puppies.

And there was a sign that had been put up, obviously, by somebody who had been fed up with somebody coming in and going like, what are they, from puppy mills? And giving them the... So they just wrote this huge kind of charter of, you know, puppy mills aren't that bad. Oh, really? Yeah, it was really like, all of a sudden you're being engaged

in this conversation that you didn't even... Like, you just wanted to see a cute puppy, and then all of a sudden it's like, hey, asshole! Guess what? These dogs are fine. So fuck you and your attitude. Because if they look lethargic, it's because they're tired. Because they're puppies.

That's what it said on it. It said if they look lethargic, it's not that they're sick. It's because they're puppies and they're tired. Yeah, well, it's tough being a puppy. I guess. You've got the weight of the world. You've got those cute little eyes that haven't opened up all the way yet. Although, puppies do get tired for no reason all the time.

That's true, they do. They go from 100 to 0 in two seconds. That's how I do it at the end of the day. I come home all excited. The world is still refreshing and then crash. Before you get your sweatpants on. Yeah, they only have one leg on and i just pass out in the middle of the floor on newspaper so that i don't destroy the carpet um but the one the thing i overheard

was i was at the commercial at the sky train station i was going to wait for the bus and there was this kid it's like 17 year old kid and this was like a sentiment i heard a lot in alberta growing up but it was this one kid talking to like four of his friends and he's going no i'm not homophobic it's just like if a gay guy hit on me i fucking kill him i was like yeah okay you're gonna buy a dictionary or something wow yeah like the exact credible but that's that was a big commonly held sentiment in Calgary

growing up wow cause it was a very redneck-y city that I grew up in so you know like everybody would be

they would say that a lot they'd be like I have no problem with the fill in any group here but I have the following

huge problem with them I have this list of problems with them yeah so it uh what was my overheard uh we have we have an overheard from a listener uh this gentleman is named uh let's say tom you said tom and he was from windsor ontario windsor ontario and he owns a bar i believe or works at a bar does he own a bar, I believe. Or works at a bar. Does he own a bar? He might be renting.

These are all things from him working at the bar and overhearing people while they're drinking. Yeah, and he writes them down. And all right, let's just have a listen. I have a book of quotes behind the bar. And I write down all the stuff that people say that blows my mind, whether it's funny or bizarre, and that's it. For instance, quote book, people sitting, drinking, lots of guys early in the day coming off of work,

saying stuff they would never say in front of other people, like, have you fucked my cousin yet? Call her and fuck her and tell me how she is. That's really all we need to hear. That's my favorite one. Call her, fuck her, and tell me how she is. That is so brilliant. That is amazing.

Have you fucked my cousin yet? Like it's obviously been a long-standing thing in their relationship. He's like, how many more times do I have to ask? How many new friends do I have to creep out before someone laughs at me? He sees that as normal. I am the one to do this. Yes, I've been very curious about this my whole life. It's the same guy sent in the one where it was the two guys saying to each other,

let's fuck muscular chicks and not tell anyone. That was another one of them. That's incredible, man. Yeah, this guy's sitting on a gold mine. When I was a kid, that was like a big catchphrase among my family and my friends. It's like, let's go, I don't know, let's go to the water slides. Let's not and say we did. That's right. Let's not and say we did.

Why would we say we did? Yeah, I don't know, to get course credit? That's right. In water slides. It's true. That's right. In water slide. It's true. That's true. That's cheating. That's what it is.

It's not even like, it's not even being like lazy or sarcastic or indifferent. It's just, yeah. It's just, it's really, it's literally, it's cheating. It is cheating. It's cheating. Let's not do this in this life. It's the opposite of having sex with muscular women and not telling people yeah no they're like let's do it and not tell it yeah totally it's the opposite the inverse

let's fuck muscular chicks but let's not tell anyone yeah because that's like should we tell in a bar and let's have it published in a book. It's so great. I would buy a copy of that book. Do you have any overheards that came to mind, Reggie? Anything you've overheard over the years? If not, feel free. You've got a lifetime to call from.

That's true. I know. God damn it. I probably have, but I don't know. I'm on the spot. I really can't think of anything. If know, I probably have, but I don't know. I'm on the spot. I can't. I really can't think of it. You know what? If something creeps back up, just throw it in. Yeah, I'll pop it in.

Absolutely. I'll pop it in, yeah. Do you want to do another segment? Yeah, let's do another segment. What do you want to do? Do you want to do a... I don't know. Trophy Wives?

Trophy Wives. Trophy Wives. We don't have a segment. No, but what would that be? I don't know. No, I'm curious if we can't if we can't create a segment out of not trophy called trophy wives it's called trophy wives and it has nothing to do with the title at all okay just keep talking about stuff i was hoping it would be like which trophy

would you want to marry oh yeah it would a Stanley Cup. Yeah, the Stanley Cup would make a good one. It's a pretty big honking one. Or the Emmy. I never really understood that one. Oh, the Emmy's got a nice figure, right? Yeah, that's a good call. What about I don't know, the basketball?

It's just the basketball on a stick. Yeah, it's not really that great a trophy. The Heisman? It's classic. It gives kind of a back off kind of vibe. I've got a headache. Again.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess the Stanley Cup. If I had to marry one trophy. Yeah. Why not? I don't know maybe an academy award that's kind of like it's more like a dude-ish kind of yeah that's fine but a bald dude though bald dude yeah bald dude well it could be androgynous you never that's true yeah could be uh we all saw v for vendetta yeah what did you think about that, Natalie Portman shaving off her hair? She looked hot. I thought so.

How did she... She looked like Sinead O'Connor. Young Sinead O'Connor. Is that a good thing? It's a great thing. Sinead was hot. She was. Sinead O. Sinead O. Sinead O. Sinead O'Connor. Today.

How did you get these tiles so clean? I use Sinead O. I use Sinead Oo. I use Sinead-o. Down by the loido. It doesn't matter. No. Whatever. What do you think?

Crush hat? Yeah, celebrity crush hat. That's good. Oh, that's good. You want to be part of that? Yeah, sure. Let's just try it. Celebrity crush hat.

Crush in the hats. Celebrity crush hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity crush hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity crush hat. Chapeau chinois. Celebrity crush hat. Crush hat. We'll draw a name out of the hat.

Or not name, sorry. A number out of the hat. You tell us, at that age, who you had a celebrity crush on. 32. 32? Mm-hmm. Does that apply? Yeah. Okay. Because because sometimes i don't know how old we don't know how old anyone is until we do this segment and it really ages people oh god that's

horrible that's an that's a person's entire career especially as a male comedian yeah yeah female comedians have like their whole lifetimes. But yeah, once a male comedian hits... Gets over 30. 30. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're 31, you're pushing it. It's tough. It's really tough to be a male in Hollywood. It really is.

There's no good roles for older dudes. There's no good roles. It's like, how old are you? It's like, well, I look like I could be 28, and they just don't give a fuck, because once they know what the age is, just fuck it. That's my favorite thing about Hollywood

is once you cross the threshold of 30, woman-wise, you can play anything from 30 to 85. No problems. Guys, people are not going to be able to identify you one way or the other. Yep, you're right about that. But there are no roles for 85 year old women really

i believe have you ever seen a movie called titanic or driving miss titanic yeah um or dame judy dench yeah yeah or she's like 97 yeah notes on a scandal i have i have not seen notes on cancun or cancun cancun starring jeff wilford you know yeah and jeff bridges it was the mexican mexican so awesome all right so what is it yes 32 who did you have a celebrity crush on at 32 32 that was a long time ago guys um you can still play a high schooler yeah thanks a bearded high schooler

now I think at that age I don't know I mean I guess I always had a crush on maybe Jennifer Aniston really? just cause she did that indie movie the good girl? yeah the good girl or whatever she was the she's kind of hot cashier or whatever yeah yeah yeah she's kind of hot um

but um yeah i don't know i'd have to oh but you know what um kylie minogue kylie minogue yeah good back from jennifer aniston to kylie minogue you're eclectic yeah yeah yeah and hallie berry eternally yeah you get a thing that because people say hallie berry always looks sad From Jennifer Aniston to Kylie Minogue. You're eclectic. Yeah, and Halle Berry. Eternally. You get a thing that, because people say Halle Berry always looks sad. Do you get that? Because somebody said that to me, like that's their big appeal is that she looks sad. But I never thought she was sad.

Not like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Maggie Gyllenhaal does look sad. She looks dopey. She's like a package of sad. It never gets opened. A sad package never would be opened. No, it won't want to. And that's why it's sad. It's a horrible feedback loop.

Poor Maggie Gyllenhaal. Oh, Maggie. Magi. Magi Gyllenhaal. Gift of the Magi Gyllenhaal. Magi Gyllenhaal. That's cool. Yeah, so you had, like, because a lot of times people, when they do the crush ad, they're like, oh, I don't know. And you were right away, Jennifer Aniston. Boom.

Yeah. When is she, I don't know, she seems very high maintenance. I think she is. She seems really preoccupied with having a movie hit. Yeah. It's never going to happen. She has a lot of concerns. She seems like a person that would be concerned about things a lot.

But nothing that really matters. No, no, no, no. She'd just be like, Do you ever think... You know, like that type of stuff. That's how it would start out. You're saying that a lot? I saw her recently

because she was at the Toronto Film Festival. Oh, where? Tiff? Tiff, yeah. And she looked really like she's been smoking a lot. You know that look when people smoke too many cigarettes and they get kind of a gaunt look and their features

kind of become hard. Like they've touched the tip of some kind of become like kind of hard and like they've like touched the tip of uh some kind of an angel of death or something yeah yeah just enough to get a little bit of life zapped out like yeah like they lost 20 years let go but yeah exactly yeah she does that's what she she looks really like like a hollowed out husk that's not the right term that's not what i was gonna say well that's what I like. She used to have this really full, round kind of... Yeah. Almost like a perfectly round face.

Yeah. Now, famous haircut. She had a famous haircut. She looked a little bit like Miss Piggy. Like if Miss Piggy were a real person. Right. Whoa! Yeah, okay.

She's got those blue, dreamy eyes. What if we stunt casted the Muppets? That would be tough. I think that... We got a segment that we do called Stunt Casting. Where we take... Because everything's being remade, right? Right, of course.

Like every movie or TV show is being remade. As well as it should. Do you think so? Are you... You're pro that? Yeah. Did you see the Get Smart movie? I really want to get to the point at which it's like the Wolverine movie comes out,

and then one year later, another Wolverine movie. But it's a different actor. It's a different actor. It's completely different. That same movie. Yeah. I want Hollywood to finally catch up. It's so far behind.

Get Smart. That Hulk movie that came out this year was reimagining. It's so far behind. Get smart. That Hulk movie that came out this year was reimagining. That's as close as we got. And I just realized that I still have the promotional 7-Eleven plastic cup from the original Hulk. From the Ang Lee? Yes. Oh, the Ang Lee Hulk? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you still have the promotional cup, that's too soon to reimagine. I think you're right. I think you're right. Although it was kind of a continuation. Oh, I didn't see it. Because it was like him hiding out in Brazil. And they'd already gone through the, you know, and they mentioned things about, you know, about stuff that happened before. Oh, like Dick Nolte? Yeah.

I remember from the original, from the one, yeah, the Ang Lee one. Yeah. I remember a promotional thing because the song, the big hit single from that movie was the first Velvet Revolver song. That's right. Oh, right. The Scott Whelan Guns N' Roses project. Yeah. And Ang Lee said that Velvet Revolver was

his favorite band. What? Really? That is an odd choice. He's really hip. Is he? Yeah, he's something. He's alive. Yeah. But yes, we've been trying to stunt cast.

The last one we did was a reimagining of the television show Growing Pains. Yeah, of course. And we were very successful at stunt casting. It took a while. We've never failed. No, we've never failed. We always give ourselves the green light at the end of the project. Yeah, that's good.

But the Muppet show is very interesting because you've already landed the Miss Piggy in Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, but it's so weird because are they wearing costumes? Are they wearing prosthetics? I think it's all CGI. It is CGI. You're talking about the Muppets as a movie? Like making Muppets? I'm trying to figure out what we're talking about.

It is confusing. I got it. I'm with you. What is Jennifer Aniston? Is she wearing prosthetics is she okay she's uh she is wearing she's the only live action person in a no like roger rabbit scenario if you cast like this is what i'm saying like it's a reimagining so you don't even use puppets you're like everybody in it is the character but they're played by real life like kind of like the flintstones movie right like they didn't they just took real life people and they made it right a movie right so it's like that or like

x-men or like you know yeah any yeah so we're taking the puppet we're taking the puppet, we're eliminating the puppet. So the Kermit the Frog character, Tobey Maguire, would be... Tobey Maguire! Wow, that's... Jesus Christ, this one's casting itself. Would he be painted green? No. Yes. I don't know. What do you say, Reggie? I think he'd just wear a lot of green. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so he's like... This is kind of like Shakespeare in the Park.

Yeah, they changed the name of the character to Kermit T. Frog, right? Yeah. And then the audience, a winking acknowledgement to the people at home that are like, Oh, he's Kermit the Frog. Oh, I get it. Have you seen That Thing You Do? The bass player in the band is never given a name. And it's kind of a running joke, but it's not on the surface.

Like, they just refer, hey, where's your bass player? And at the end, they do a little animal house thing where the writing comes on the screen. It tells you what happens. The freeze frame thing. Yeah. And the bass player's name is TB Player. The bass player. The bass player.

See how I figured that out lightly quick. That's horrid. So, okay. So we've got a Kermit and a Miss Piggy. Although maybe Jake Gyllenhaal could be your Kermit. I'm just trying to remake the good girl. No, I think the Tobe. girl. I think the Tobe. Yeah, I like the Tobe.

All right. What about who would play like a Fozzie Bear? Could be Jack Black. But Fozzie was a little bit too New York-y, though. Jack Black is or Fozzie is? Okay. You know, who would be that?

I mean, it depends on if you're talking about... Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. Yeah, no. Zach Galifianakis. No, Zach. As Zach would be better, his personality would be more suited to...

God, it wouldn't even be that. The Eagle. But I think that... Actually, he would make a good Sam the Eagle. But the perfect sam the eagle is um the guy from night court richard mall richard mall good call yeah and he needs he would not turn that role down he is you know he wouldn't you got him you already got him as you're saying it he's he's already packing what about rolf would you go with somebody who

actually come as famous is it rol? I thought it was Rolf. That might be Zach Galifianakis. Yeah, somebody who can play the piano. Yeah, actually, that could be. But he's also got that super raspy voice. So maybe something like a Tom Waits. He's also a little peppy. Yeah, he's a little peppy.

So that's not really... Zach isn't totally peppy. Sorry, Zach, we may not find a part for you in this movie. I really want to find a part. We're trying to. Maybe he could be the fishmonger guy. Now you're just trying to find a role for Zach. We have to use him. He expressed interest in the project.

He did. He just did. He texted me. He said, I'm very interested in your project, in your next project. What about a Gonzo? Who would play a Gonzo? Yeah, this is a huge cast. This isn't an official stunt cast.

No, this is just like... I'm not photoshopping this. It's a warm-up? Yeah, well, this is like the most ambitious... The budget on this is going to be way too high. Like Gonzo, he's short. He's got that weird nose. No one knows what he is or where he's from.

He's very wiry. He's got that raspy voice. You know who would be perfect as Gonzo? Or at least he'd have to pep up his energy, but Al Pacino. Whoa, yeah. Al Pacino would be a good gonzo. Yeah.

When you were saying weird and gangly and big nose, I was thinking of that guy, the guy from the piano. What do you call him? Oh. Burt Bacharach. Burt Bacharach. That's who I was thinking of. Burt Bacharach.

The guy who played the piano. That was the guy that played the piano. That was just the guy who played the piano. Adrian Brody? Adrian Brody. The pianist. The pianist. That's right, played the piano. That was the guy that played the piano. That was just the guy who played the piano. Adrian Brody? Adrian Brody. The pianist. The pianist. That's right, not the piano.

That was Harvey Keitel. The pianist. The pianist. Is it really called a tromboner if you play the trombone? I don't think so. Okay. What? If you play the trombone, are you called a trombonist or a tromboner?

I think you would be an ist. I think automatically. I think that's just like, even if it were grammatically correct. Yeah, but pianist is like... Flautist, flutist. Flautist, yeah. But I think I like tromboner. I think I like it.

I don't know if it's going to happen. That's what you'd want to be. But if that was your career, and you kept on hearing people having serious conversations at a dinner party at a $1,000-a-plate benefit for the orchestra, and you're like, I really love... My favorite tromboner is... Imagine if you had a favorite tromboner. It's kind of a big band instrument, not so much as a...

A little symphony. Symphony, yeah. I know a guy... Is that a symphony? Yeah. I know a guy who plays in a group that's just for guys to play trombone. And they're called E-Trombone. Because I don't want to get the real answer.

I prefer to think that it's tromboner. I think you're preserving the quality of your life, and I commend it. Thanks. Thank you, Reggie Watts. Thank you. What else? What else do we need to prove? What else do we need to prove?

I think this has been one hell of a podcast. We only got as far as Gonzo. Yeah. Anything? Bunsen and Beaker? Anything popping up? Bunsen and Beaker? Anything popping up? Bunsen. Bunsen Honeydew, right?

Yeah. Round head. Very important. Jennifer Aniston? I understand she used to have quite the round face. She did. She used to have like, it was almost like a pie plate back in the day. She had a very round, soft-looking face.

Yeah, it was nice. It makes you feel bad. She had a throat-pushing face. It makes you feel nostalgic when you watch an episode of Friends. Yeah. And you're like, look at them. They're all so healthy and young and fresh-faced. And then look what the fucking industry did to them.

You know what's weird? I've never understood this about hollywood is like so they made a million dollars an episode for like over a year right oh like three or four three or four years so they're they're all multi multi-millionaires why would they ever do anything except like the best like why wouldn't they just reject every script like because they're rich. They don't ever need to make anything ever again. It's shocking that they made anything crappy. It's not a case of, oh, well, they needed

the money. They had the money. Yeah, but I think it's fun to be an actor. I think so. Are you an actor at all? I do some acting, but no, I don't consider myself an actor. But I have done. I think it's fun to pal around with Bruce Willis and Amanda Peet.

Yeah, it probably is. I love whatever his name is. Yeah. M. Perry. M. Perry. M. Perry? Matthew Perry. Oh, right.

That was Puccini's opera about him. I didn't know that. You didn't tell me about that. It was okay. It was the movie about the opera. Never mind. Well, you know what? I think we're at a comfortable ending here. My dogs are barking.

Thanks, Reggie Watts, for coming and being a guest. I'm the first to thank you. Yeah. That's awesome that you came down, and thank you very much for being part of the podcast and the festival. Oh, it's fun. It's a blast. You first to thank you. Yeah, that's awesome that you came down and thank you very much for being part of the podcast and the festival. Oh, it's fun. It's a blast. You guys are awesome. You've got a great scene up here, man. You guys should be

so stoked. We're pretty stoked. We keep the fire stoked. Good. I spend most of my time being stoked. Dave, anything to plug? I don't have anything to plug. But I'll see you back here next week. Hey, Reggie, do you have anything to plug? Yeah, do you have anything to plug yeah um but i'll see you back here next week hey reggie do you have anything

to plug yeah do you have anything yeah come see my show my pepper no um i have my pepper come see my paper pots um i don't have pepper pots uh but no i have a uh i might be doing a show. I have a site, reggiewatts.com..com. R-E-G-G-I-E. .edu. Yeah,.edu, for obvious reasons. No,.com. And then I have a show potentially going up in January at the End of the Radar Festival,

which is a theater festival at the Public Theater in New York. And what kind of show, would it be like your show that you're doing now, like your stage show? No, it's a theater show, so it's a show that I wrote with my writing partner who's a playwright, Tommy Smith, and directed by Tommy Smith,

and it's just kind of like a multimedia onslaught, like four actors on stage, you know, proper theater. Are you in it, or are you proper theater. Are you in it? Yeah, I'm in it. Wow. Yeah, and it'll be hopefully at the Lou Esther Theater, which is really cool kind of, it's like a theater, proscenium theater with like pillars,

and it's got like nice ornate work on the ceiling, holds about like 500. Oh, that's awesome. And it's going to be a sick thing, and it's just a multimedia spectacle. And that's in and uh it's gonna be a sick thing and it's just a multimedia spectacle and that's in january it's in january very cool and uh oh and uh listen to um or watch rather um super jail i i play the it's a new cartoon on adult swim that goes up uh uh in october um and uh yes and i play the voice of the time

judges. Okay, cool. And that's on Adult Swim, which we get. It's kind of secondhand here in Canada. We get it on the Cotter Toon Network, but many months after. Okay. But that's cool. We have a lot of American listeners.

Oh, okay, cool. If you're into the Adult Swim, Reggie Watts, the time judge. Yeah. Judges. Thanks a lot of American listeners. Oh, okay, cool. If you're into the Adult Swim, Reggie Watts. Check it out. The Time Judge. Yeah. Judges. Thanks a lot for being a part of the podcast.

No problem, man. My pleasure. Oh, man. Well, Dave, he's the first guy who's ever had anything to plug, too. That's about right. Yeah, it was daunting.

Well, I'll see you here next week. And if you want to write to us, we will, as is evidenced by us playing the overheard in the air we love hearing from all of you we're going to try and get through the gigantic pile of overheards that we've been sent in the past couple of weeks but you can send us an email

at stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com and for recaps check out our blog at stoppodcastingYourself.blogspot.com. Wow. Pretty good. Yeah. Dave, thanks a lot for the spinach dip and the hospitality.

You're welcome. And everybody out there, come back again for another thrilling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.