Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 302 - Emmett Hall

Episode Date: December 30, 2013

Emmett Hall returns to talk work parties, changing in public, and swords.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 302 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always, heading towards the new year, the year 1993. That's right. This, yeah, we're not, 2014 is not happening this year.

What? We're doing 93 again? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, it's your chance to set right what once went wrong. 1993 again? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's your chance to set right what once went wrong. So whatever happened in 1993 that you got to clear up is kind of the beginning of the grunge era. Hip-hop was just really taking over the airwaves. M.C. Hammer was popular, I think. Or dead. There might have been an Addams Family movie. Might have been a Wayne's World. There was definitely a Jurassic Park.

Oh, yeah. Get ready. Next year, Jurassic Park 1. movie might have been a wayne's world there might there was definitely a jurassic park oh yeah get ready next year jurassic park one uh mr dave shumka hi hey that's a great intro thank you getting ready for 1993 dave shumka your co-host um hi everybody dave shumka here reporting for duty from the field here at stop Podcasting Yourself headquarters here. Here in downtown. Downtown Vietnam. Yeah. Good morning to you, Vietnam.

Did you have that soundtrack? No, I definitely had the movie on VHS. I never saw that movie. My siblings had the soundtrack. Oh, man. So good. Imagine if they just let Rob Williams do improv in a movie. Yeah.

Like that guy. When you let him off the chain. He's off the chain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's really good. His phone is ringing off the chain. And our guest today, a very funny comedian, writer, illustrator, musician, improviser, uh writer illustrator musician improviser uh a member of the sunday service uh and repeat guest one of the all-time faves mr emmett hall is our guest hi there welcome hi welcome to me yeah welcome to you thank you for coming back yeah a pleasure um should we get to know us yeah get to know us now am it now let this guy off the chain yeah yeah yeah exactly here we

go three or two you guys are into the 300s and you're still doing what do you get to know us yeah yeah oh what else would we do yeah something that requires effort you guys gotta change things up you gotta kill one of you guys off or something oh absolutely well we tried once yeah and then uh it was there was a write-in campaign everybody sent us sugar packets what guys they were sweet on uh having dave be back alive again uh you know like when uh fans send in a thing to the networks they send sugar packets well that's uh that's is that how you think you get hired on a show as a writer is when someone says to send in your packet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send in a large packet of sugar.

Check out all this sweet and love. But you know what I'm talking about, right? You're probably right for Fallon with that. He said, we said to send in a packet. He said all these sugar packets. This guy gets it. Yeah, yeah. Viral, viral, viral.

So what's new,mett tell us tell us uh a tale okay well guys i was concerned coming in uh this week why in that i didn't have any tales no oh you were on a year ago or so a year and a bit ago and nothing's happened well no tales now i'm yes i'm i'm i'm a lonelier man than i was a year and a half ago but i went through a breakup yeah yeah uh and i moved and it's moved into a lonely case yes yeah uh and it's uh i talked about when i helped you yeah move because uh we found a rat that was out on the street. Aaron Reid found a rat. Almost touched it.

It was the dead? Dead, yeah. Almost stomped on it. We had to tie your mattress to the top of a van, and that was hilarious. And that was the greatest day of the year for me. And that's been the highlight. Yeah. However, we don't have to get into my

sad sack yeah no i have tis the season gentlemen and the season bestows gifts and this particular gift is a tale from my work christmas party that happened two days ago okay so we're actually releasing this episode after christmas yeah But we're recording it before Christmas. So everyone cast your minds back two and a half weeks ago. Yeah. And if Christmas didn't happen this year. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Slays going down Burrard Street.

Yeah. Yeah. Snowmen coming to life and strangling people with their their crazy twig rats eating their noses yeah yeah bums lighting their coal eyes yeah stealing their coal eyes for heat. It's a veritable apocalypse. Anyway, so I work in the animation industry. You're a Smurf?

I'm a Papa Smurf. There's a difference. I wonder if that's like a you could look up if you did a search on Craigslist for Papa Smurfs like if that's like an M4M look up looking for something casual with a Papa Smurf

yeah like I'm looking for somebody who's a bit older a little blue has a beard and wears a red hat yeah short shirtless has a Santa complex. So you work in the animation industry. Which is entertainment.

Yeah, entertainment. You work in showbiz. Yeah, showbiz. I draw drawings. And last year when I went to the work Christmas party, it seemed to go fine. And then the next day i heard all kinds of crazy stories about people falling down to fire escape stairwells cracking their

heads open ambulance is coming a guy waking up in the hospital after really after losing his wallet and his glasses take me to the hospital i can't see anything anything. I think I'm blind. I think I'm poor and blind. Yeah. There's an injection for that. And then someone else had a husband snuck in who fell asleep in a toilet. Anyway. Snuck in and fell asleep on the toilet. Something like this. Were spouses not invited to fall asleep on the toilet?

No, there's too many employees that bringing a plus one is too crazy. Right. Oh, this guy sneaks into a party. He gets... No, he got...

Too tired to even be in it. He got wasted immediately. Oh, wow. And then, like, was unconscious. So, anyway, that was last year and I didn't see any of this

and then this year, same kind of deal uh just in that i schmoozed uh shuffled my feet a little bit sure uh drank just enough to get a little too drunk right and then decided okay it's time to go was it uh was it one of these occasions where it's open bar yeah yeah oh wow, wow. Yeah. Oof. Yeah, no plus one. And animators are either really good at drinking or the worst at drinking. There's such a spectrum of people getting... How do you get...

What is good at drinking? Well, you know, people that can handle their liquor and... And are fun. Yeah. And just know how not to fall asleep on a toilet at a party. I mean, there's a couple of several years. Waking up on a toilet would be just the worst. I mean, there's probably like America's Funniest Home Videos of kids falling asleep on the toilet.

Although, you know, it might be good. While eating. It might be good if you woke up and you were really comfortable. You know, sometimes you wake up and you're like, I don't want to get out of bed because I got to pee. But you're like, oh, I'm already on a toilet, this is great and then you stand up to pee just because it's so emasculating oh, I'm gonna sit back down

yeah, and then also a couple years ago, another guy drank so much that he puked so much that he came in the next day with burst blood vessels on his cheeks oh, wow so this is the kind of crowd i run with guys come to work the next day or yeah so anyway guys i got beaten up by a prostitute i don't want you guys thinking

this is because i threw up too hard yeah so this is some guys are good thrower uppers some animators are either really good thrower uppers or bad throwers wow so i uh decided to leave this around 1 a.m and um when i got uh down the elevator and i grabbed my coat and opened the door uh a co-worker had collapsed on the cement outside and i don't really know this person i couldn't even remember her name. But I went up to her and she, yeah, she basically fallen and hit her, whacked her head on the ground. And I don't know.

I was too drunk to be properly like, okay, this is what we need to do. I was like, oh, you, oh boy. Okay, you? I saw her hand. There's a little bit of blood on her hand because she touched the back of her head. I was getting super spooked.

I'm like, okay, well, you get home? And she's like, yeah, I do. And then this woman, I don't know, she's probably like in her mid-40s or something like that and all by herself. And this is very strange. So for the next hour and a half, my cats will take care of me once i'm at home they'll lick this bit i wish we had a plus one so he could take care of me i had then proceeded to

heave her up oh wow like dead weight in my arms drag her to a taxi the guy's like i'm not taking that that guy drove away then i another guy a really nice taxi driver uh helped me out guy got no he didn't help me out actually but he was nice enough not to drive away he could yeah he couldn't get his cab started i shoved her into the taxi and then got in the taxi i'm like all right i'm getting you home where do you live and it was street she gave me a number and like okay let's start heading that direction and the cab driver's like that's not an address those are just numbers yeah and so i live in a castle in a cloud yeah then i basically had to take her purse from her route through her purse to find her id to get her address found found that other guy's glasses and wallet yeah we pulled up to her apartment and i asked okay is this your apartment

no it's not it's not it what do you mean this is what your license says so i tell the cab driver okay i'm gonna test the door so i I grabbed her keys, tested the door. It actually worked. It was her apartment. I then drag her out again, like a lifeless body, put her into the lobby, run up the stairs to make sure that her apartment key works. Oh, wow. You're really going the distance for this.

At what point did you go from being drunk to being like, Mr. I can handle it? No. This is all drunk. This is me. I can't tell if this is a blessing that I was this drunk because I was going, alright, let's see what the next phase is. I'm just taking it all in stride. But I don't know if I

was being very smart about how I was moving this person around because her head and stuff like that. Did it not occur to you to be like, oh, this woman has a head injury. Maybe we go to the hospital. No, from my drunken deduction.

Yeah, he was drunk. From my drunken deductions, I was like, I can have a conversation with you. Yeah, you can have a conversation with me. Okay, you're good enough to go home. Would you like some bamboo little panda the whole time she's going you're here oh good don't worry about it don't worry about it and then then so i get in the lobby i go upstairs open the door to her apartment that

works then again heaving her up flights of stairs there's no elevator yeah shoes falling off and me and not the same time me still going like oh it's this apartment building i was always Of course, there's no elevator. Yeah, shoes falling off. Stuff like that. And at the same time, me still going like, oh, it's this apartment building. Oh, I was always wondering who lived in this one. I'm like, what a wide stairwell kind of thing. As I'm like, are there any empty apartments here? Do you know? I would have just left her in the lobby with a sign that says, I live here, head wound.

Oh, God. And just like, you know, in a chair in the lobby in case anybody came by. Put like a little diagram on the ground. Like, if there's this much blood, call the police. I wasn't even thinking about any of that. I wasn't even thinking about her throwing up in the car or anything like that. No. Oh, okay. No.

All this. Yeah. And so, and she was, her assistance, like, kind of like disintegrated throughout the hour and a half. Like, where I first started pulling her up, her like- This throughout the hour and a half. Where I first started pulling her up, her shoes. This was an hour and a half? Yeah, her shoes. She could kind of move her ankles, shift her ankles as I was taking her down a driveway and into the lobby. So it kind of helped.

But then up on the stairs, she kind of completely collapsed. And then she was kind of dragging her by the knees as she was shuffling her knees. And then on her hallway, it ended up like dragging her by the knees as she was shuffling her knees and then on her hallway it ended up me being grabbing her by the wrists like a dead body just dragging her down at her hallway opening her

door dragging her to the bedroom saying please can you help me get you onto your bed and she just went no no no you don't think you And she just went, no. No. No. You don't think you can help me out here? No.

You can be okay. Okay, so I put a pillow under her head. And then one on her face. And she, uh, That's a lot of effort to finally kill her. Yeah, I could have just left her outside anyway. So I basically left her on the floor beside her bed with a pillow under her saying, I'm going to leave you now.

I'm tired. I'm drunk and I don't know you. I'm almost really angry now. You don't owe her an explanation. She won't remember. Yeah, that's true. And I couldn't slip the keys under her door so her door was unlocked so i just put her purse and keys beside her and went can i oh no after i

leaned in and gave her a little kiss on the forehead and just said thanks for giving me a story yeah thanks angel and then i got in the cab and then the cab waited cab waited see he's a nice guy the whole hour and a half well no it was about an hour and a half from right start to finish and then luckily i had uh work provided vouchers yeah so the cab fare was free and then but just on the way home my brain went a mile a minute of just how much of this is like lawsuit or like oh yeah she just it wakes up dead it's like if she wakes up you were the last one who well not wakes up dead you know what i mean you're responsible for a zombie yeah

and there's yeah the yeah it's technicalities on all that like there's not proper bureaucracy for like that i have to like take care of her uh is it like yeah because it'd be like i don't know the last uh we saw her boyfriend boyfriend take her in a cab. I didn't know her name. Yeah, nobody knows who that was. I contacted HR at like 2, 2.30 in the morning via email. Got a phone call from HR at the work and finally discerned who this person was. She gave this woman a call and apparently she answered. Oh, wow.

I followed up the next day uh because i work at a different place than where this work studio was this is my previous oh okay and so i followed up with hr again saying that yeah the woman apparently went into work for a bit the next day and i haven't heard a single thing since wow like i don't know what this woman knows. I don't know what she remembers. Nothing. Yeah. But she must have been puzzling over, like, why is there blood on my head? How did I get home?

It's a great mystery for her. Yeah, it's true. Oh, God. How did HR know that I was, you know, that I was drunk? Yeah. was uh you know that i was that i was drunk yeah hr's response in the email was um i just checked in and apparently she's okay and thanks for looking out for her have a good night was that at 2 30 in the morning she emailed me saying have a good night wow anyway they must have a uh just like an auto response yeah they just scan the email fire drunk and just yeah there yeah

they're fine oh well great night probably dealing with half a dozen of those situations only I don't know it's weird that people get so drunk at a work this is a perfect yeah I know and this is a middle-aged woman yeah yeah on her own and she just demolished herself yeah the point of being a zombie. Yeah, and drinking kind of like how a 19-year-old would drink. Yeah. I've gone to work parties

where people are like... I've never been at a... Oh, I guess I've been at one work party a long time ago where it was open bar. But it's people... It's not like people are like, oh, free booze, let's just go overboard. People are getting drunk on the stuff they brought.

Yeah. Yeah. I also heard a story the next day about, no, I think I was, I was there and I saw a guy had a wet shirt in his hand. He said, yeah, that someone projectile vomited on three people and they don't know who this person was because they were all, their backs were turned. Could have been anyone yeah oh man but it is like it's a weird thing because every year uh like wouldn't you just stop having

the party if there's barfing every year yeah like what what's the cutoff of uh hey you guys don't know how to handle this is why you can't have nice you guys don't know how to handle this why you can't have nice things i don't know if it gets it gets so strange because i think some people are like well this is the night of the year i get to do this yeah but it's like pick a different night yeah and go somewhere uh where you won't like be surrounded by people who see you every day yeah you're like fraternizing with your higher- ups and things like that and it's supposed to be a networking situation yeah yeah it's weird because i've played a lot of uh christmas parties and uh it's uniform it's all it's always like that people there's always people that are like just fucking hammer i think what it is, is most people are considering quitting their job all the time.

They're like, this could be it. This could tip it right over, go out in style. Uh, but it's also strange too. Like, uh,

people, because sometimes the work party, this was at work. So, uh, people will just wait out the end of the day until the party starts. And so they bring all their fancy clothes to work and i've seen it's like prom or something like all the girls are like all giddy and like uh

like running into the bathroom to put on all their crazy stuff and like seeing them in crazy weird dresses that you seem so unlikely for them and then guys finally putting on a tie for the first time in a year. And also the guys who are... And it's still tied from the last time they wore it. Probably. They're just slipping it over their head. Yeah, it's got some ravioli on it from last year's Christmas party. Yeah, Chef Boyardee.

There's always the guys, too, who put on... They used to animate the cartoon chef. Never mind. There's always the guy who's like, I'm going to be the guy at the party with the pork pie hat yeah i imagine at an animation studio he's the guy he's the guy going like i'm gonna wear a pork pie hat you can't hold me down formal attire in the invite i'll wear a tie but i'm also wearing my hat and then he shows up and then there's like three other guys who are going

i'm wearing my pork pie hat and so there's a room of like four pork pie hats i'm wearing my batman cowl yeah um yeah it's like uh um last year i did a uh corporate for a small company one of the guys had brought his wife and she was so hammered like she was she was having trouble keeping her head up. So she was, like, leaning on her fist and then sliding down and knocking over. So they just put her on the toilet. And everybody just left. That's what you should have done with the woman you helped to her house. She'd go, all right, now get on the toilet.

I want you to wake up in a crazy, I want you to be super puzzled when you wake up. Yeah, you put her hand in like a jar of pickles and just rest it in the sink. I just put so much makeup on. Oh, man. You could have pranked a stranger. Yeah, oh, that's true. And you could have set up a small camera to see the reaction. At a certain point, putting a camera in someone's bathroom is the crime.

All those other things are a crime, though. I think you can just, like, if someone is passed out, and you've done... Legally, you're allowed to put them on a toilet. Yeah. You've gone to so much effort. You're not doing anything I Did I mention I rearranged her

Living room? Like I switched all the furniture Put all the furniture on the ceiling So she'd wake up She's sleeping on the ceiling I'm changing the way I live I kept on shaking her Where do you keep your nails?

Is this the strongest glue you have? Anyways, this lady was so drunk and she kept interrupting the show. And I was like, hey, like, you're obviously not going to stop talking. But I was like, all things being equal, like this company probably had a really good year. You're an accounting firm. I was like, all things being equal, like this company probably had a really good year. You're an accounting firm. But next year, if things don't go so well, if everybody's equal, only one person here brought their super drunk, like abusive wife to the Christmas party.

So you could be the tipping point in your husband losing his job. You said that on stage? Yeah. And everybody in the crowd was like, you could tell there was a feeling of like that's right absolutely yeah absolutely we've had enough of tina's shit um yeah well good for you good samaritan you you know you'll maybe you'll never see this lady again uh but who knows yeah it's it feels like I did a good deed but at the same time I'm like I was dragging her by her

wrists down through a floor I'm just thinking like am I bruising her wrists like is this all terrible but I still feel like this is not my responsibility right now but it's also what else could you do? She wasn't...

I'm not helping you get me up. I also mentioned my back still hurts today. Is that right? Yeah. Heaving this woman upstairs. The thing is, too, is I find it very hard to believe that timing-wise, she had just fallen down. You were the only person who passed her on your way out.

I think the two taxi drivers saw this happen. Yeah, so there were people who were like, yeah, this will take care of itself. I'm pretty sure she, oh God, she had just fallen down because I saw, as I was saying goodbye to people, I saw her get into the elevator. Oh, okay. All wobbly kneed as the doors closed.

I went, alright, well. She pressed the floor with her face. Oh, wow. And then I thought, well, that woman hopefully floor with her face. Oh, wow. And then I thought, well, that woman, hopefully she'll get home okay. And it's also weird because you were in this complete stranger's place. Oh, yeah. And just like, did you see like a photo on the fridge or something of her? Like you were in her life.

Oh, that was, yeah. Did you take a memento? You gotta. Magnet a memento? You gotta. Magnet? Well, her dog. I have her dog. Did she have a pet? No. But as I was

dragging this woman down the hallway, I woke up a dog, a neighbor. A dog. It was at the door. And me just going, Be cool, dog. And I was wondering if people, the neighbors were hearing just so can you help me please i just we're so close we're so close no is you dragging her down the whole yeah oh it just looks so i wonder if it was like do you ever get that i mean uh like if you ever have to go to the bathroom, the moment you get near the bathroom, it becomes a hundred times worse.

Yes. And then I get really sleepy and fall asleep on the toilet. But, like, I'm sure that's a thing with, like, someone who's drunk and, like, on their way to their bed. They're like, oh, I'm in bed now. Yeah. This is bed. I'm just going to pass out here. Yep. There is. bed they're like oh i'm in bed now yeah so i'm just i'm just gonna pass out here yep there is there's very like uh you know like when you're really drunk and you think about like i gotta

brush my teeth and stuff like you think about all the processes of being in bed i have a really it's probably a good habit when i get really drunk is that to convince myself i'm a functioning adult still i go i am really drunk but that does to convince myself I'm a functioning adult still? I go, I am really drunk, but that does not mean that the dishes will not get done. Yeah. Time to do my taxes. So I'll go do dishes. I've also taken off suits and been like,

I'm folding this shirt up, hanging it up just right before I remake the bed. You should probably just wash the shirt. I'm going to hang it up and find all the weird stains on it probably just wash the shirt. I'm gonna hang it up and find all the weird stains on it tomorrow. That's right. You're like, I remember hanging it up, but where? I have to go back to that woman's

house. Go back to her closet. I think I left my suit. I think I may have folded a suit and made your bed. Yeah. I may have done your dishes and made your bed. Yeah. I may have done your dishes. And I definitely flossed. Yeah.

You're vacuuming at three in the morning. I'm still grown up. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, not a heck of a lot. You know, we actually, Graham has been doing some stuff at my work at CBC. Not a heck of a lot. Graham has been doing some stuff at my work at CBC. Changing lights. Some of the blog posts.

Oh, yeah. In addition to janitorial work? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been working on cbcmusic.ca, writing some music stuff. And we had an office Christmas party last night. did yeah and no no uh super drunks yeah no i there's a couple babies there yeah that's true they're like drunks but it's the same thing where it's like people talk about oh and i i never witness it but people talk about oh last year this guy got so wasted. And, oh, the old parties used to be, you know, insane. Yeah, yeah.

That's true. That was the feeling when I worked at the City TV. They used to talk about, like, it was just like Christmas. The Christmas party was just cocaine everywhere. I was like, what? At work? Like, that's not. They were like, no, it was just the greatest time.

It was just like, open bar, cocaine. Now we don't do any of that stuff. I'm like, well, that wasn't a sustainable business model. Yeah. But my favorite thing that happened this week actually happened yesterday as Graham and I were leaving work. I gave Graham... Attacked by a snowman. Yeah.

I gave Graham a ride home and we went to the parking lot and there was a hockey game last night. Oh, yeah. And as we were driving through the parking lot, we saw a guy

standing with his arms out, just standing straight up. Like a Jesus Christ. Yeah, like a scarecrow wearing a hockey jersey. And so our eyes were drawn to him and uh then we immediately noticed that he was basically trying to hide his girlfriend who was changing shirts but doing the worst job yes like like he wasn't it would have been fine if he was holding, like, a towel like you would at the beach, but he was basically

holding an invisible towel. And thinking that that did anything. And he was drawing attention to his girlfriend. Arms waving around, yeah. And I think they were standing next to their car. Like, she could have just changed in the car

and it would have been much or like lifted up the trunk to cover but just a guy standing in front of you way like with his arms out doesn't cover anything um i don't think she was like i she wasn't naked or anything no but it's one of those uh either she said at the last second like cover me and he was like their relationship is like I think you can sneak me into the movie just stick out your arms

and I'll hide behind you they won't know she does it for every situation she thinks it makes her invisible oh the credit card company wants their money it's like a kid who thinks if he covers his eyes he's invisible it's funny too because she wasn't as far as i could see we drove past really quick but she wasn't changing into a jersey she just seemed to be swapping swapping tops i guess um yeah anyways she's uh i'm sure she's doing great yeah i uh

yeah i like well i don't know they surely they were going to someplace that had a bathroom right yeah there were other options yeah there's everything's downtown oh absolutely have you been down there lately there's a change room emporium. Yeah. They do very bad business. Yeah, yeah. I'd like to try on these things. Where did you get those? Oh, you just shoplifted those from another store. Yeah, have you done that where you've gone to a change room and there's somebody that's in charge of the change room and they ask you how many items?

There's like somebody that's in charge of the change room and they ask you how many items. Because I remember back in like, I don't know, like the Bay or Sears, like those rooms were not monitored by anybody. You could take in a hundred items and just leave them on the floor. Because, yeah, people now would say they have to unlock it for you. Yeah, yeah. There's like somebody that's their job is to just hang out in the change room uh help you change yeah yeah exactly sometimes there's like a you know a mother and daughter in in the next change room and they're talking there's always a mother and daughter yeah yeah it's uh and a mother and son that's true never a father no no well maybe at eddie bauer might be some father son

but do you try on clothes at eddie bauer do you just look and you go yep i'm buying this regardless of fit um yeah i don't uh anyways this is fascinating as this change room talk is but i feel like that is that era over of just the like uh change room that nobody was monitoring you could just go in there and just hang out for 45 minutes department stores in like a shabby department store still it's still like i well i heard they're phasing out change rooms completely and now you have to bring a boyfriend just to stand in front of you yeah there's a yeah there's a just an app on your phone where you take a picture of yourself and then you put the clothes yeah and it says no but i like the person standing outside i like the employee who uh

who goes everything okay in there you're like no it's just shit all over my house i don't know i don't know what happened yeah i forgot how to dress i thought this was a bathroom teenagers in here beating me up but it is a weird thing where it's like when do they time the uh everything going well like do they is it like when your waiter knows the perfect amount of time to come back and be like, hey, how is everything? They probably figure it out by how many articles of clothing you've brought in. Yeah. And also, have you ever been in a dressing room next to somebody who's having a lot of difficulty? Yeah. A lot of like...

No. Like that kind of noise. You're like, no, it's too tight. It's too tight. I hate myself. The worst is when the dressing room doesn't have a mirror inside of it, so you have to go back out.

Hey, do you need me to get a new size so you have to go go back out go back out hey do you need me get a new size for you how'd these work out yeah uh i won't i won't even leave i'll just be like i'm sure it looks fine it fits fine yeah like do you put on shoes and then walk out or do you just walk out with them with the pants just like dragging on the ground you're like i guess this is fine this is a good enough look i'll put shoes over the end of these. I'll wear these out. When you... Pants take up so much more time to put on that I just

convince myself that I want them that much more just because... Just because you're not like, I'm not going to try on another pair of pants. These will be fine. It took too long to get a pair of pants. You know what? They went to all the effort of letting me try them on. I owe it to them to buy them. But that's that uh that uh changing room supervisor's lifeblood is uh somebody giving her something back yeah she's wearing a headset yeah she's got a little thing on her belt yeah

yeah and uh like refolding and restocking that's what i always feel guilty handing them a big crumpled pile yeah and coat hangers that's what they live for. Trust me. And then when you leave the store, don't you feel like, did they think I shoplifted? Because you don't have anything? Yeah, you don't have. You spend all this time in this store and you're just leaving shrugging. And those sensors go off regardless. Yeah. Yeah, there was a kid in my elementary school that every week he would have new clothes,

but all with a giant yellow splotch where he had taken off the dye. So they were like brand new, nice pants, except a giant yellow stain on all of his clothes. Because he tried them on and peed in the changing room. Is everything okay in there? No! What's your policy on if I wet these pants? Do I bottom? Have you ever shoplifted?

No, I've stolen toys from my friends. Yeah. Oh, that's even worse in a way. Because like, man, you're friends. But you never experienced the thrill of... No, I've helped a guy's job left. Ow! He held his arms up.

Yeah. Created a diversion. He walked out with a girlfriend. Ah. Who was changing her shirt. Yeah, I get it. I remember. It was back in the day where they would sell cassettes at convenience stores.

Well, you know, like when you would go on a road trip or something like that and you go to a shell station and they just have like a rack. Yeah, Travis Tritt. Yeah. Yeah. The very best of, you know, what kind of bands would be on those cassettes it would always be a best of best of foreigner yeah yes thank you uh this one was best of crosby stills and nash okay perfect uh and i guess i was no i was the i was that boyfriend

i just had to stand in front of my friend as he he's like you just stand there yeah i'll do all this distract him with the uh some jerky yeah hey i'm deciding between two jerky yeah teriyaki yeah what do you recommend i don't know how i feel about you know international cuisine yeah so yeah here with the flick of the wrist he Scooped out With the flick of the wrist Magical The prestige Pocketed that Crosby, Stills and Nash cassette And then

And then you were on the road like wooden chips Yeah, on the water Say can I have some of your purple berries Yes I've been saving them. I've been eating them for five or six days. I haven't got sick once. What was the... They were playing Crosby, Sills, Nash & Young in the coffee shop today.

And it was the one that goes... That's a good one. That's Sweet Judy Bluey blue eyes oh is that what it's called yeah okay we listen to that tape a lot yeah right so what did you do you run run over to his house and just listen to music? Or did you bask in the crime and just visit the scene of the crime and go back? It took us a week to muster up the courage to take off the saran wrap. It's like, I don't know. Have you shoplifted?

No, but similarly to Emmett uh i was definitely a party to it aided and abetted yeah i feel like at one point uh this is a pre-internet time so uh getting your hands on some uh adult material was very difficult you couldn't purchase it and unless you had a dad that uh has a corner the house. Yeah, it was very hard to find. He had so much porno he couldn't keep track of where it all was. Or it was just a pornographer himself. That's right. And upon his death, he willed his pornography collection to you.

Your nest egg. So he helped someone kill his dad. So he could inherit the porn collection. I remember this. I was telling this story to somebody like a couple weeks ago that he had this plan. There was this convenience store. He was going to go in. I was going to ask the guy at the desk for something, and he was going to go in and take a whatever, penthouse or something.

And we did it, and it worked like a charm. But what he had shoplifted was Penthouse Forum, which is all just words. So when you guys are speeding down the highway screaming, Woo! Woo! We did it! Mexico, baby! But it really inspired a love of reading.

A lust for the written word. But I remember being so disappointed, because just like, what is this? There's no pictures. And there weren't. There were no pictures. It was a saucy picture on the front, and that was it. A woman making sauce. Yeah, it was the...

It was like that movie, The Grifters. Why? Was it the same thing? Doesn't that something happen where one person tricks another person? No. Oh, you think the guy in the store tricked us by only carrying a high-level erotica? No, he put that at the front. No way.

Then he stole the one with the pictures. Wait, the owner? The guy that owns the convenience store? The guy selling them? Yeah. What a grift. Yeah. And then he stole them for himself, but then he committed insurance fraud.

He said they were stolen. Then he collected the money. Then he lit the whole place on fire. Yeah, so I think that was the only time. Maybe my friend tried to steal a lighter or something like that. I never shoplifted. Oh, Dave, you gotta. Too scared.

Too square. Didn't have any friends to help shoplift. One time in preschool, I stole just some little toys, like Mickey Mouse toys, and brought them home and showed them off to my mom like she would be impressed. Oh, cool. We had a weird thing in grade two. What a cool kid I am. She made me apologize.

Oh, I think that's worse. I'd rather go to jail. In grade two, some people... Uh, some people, uh, we got on, I got a knock on my door, my front door. And it was this parents and a classmate, classmate and the parents of the classmate. Oh yeah. Because they were fessing up to the crime that they'd been going into the cloak room of our class and stealing out the desserts from all the kids' lunches. The parents?

No, the kids. stealing out the desserts from all the kids lunches the parents no the kids because i didn't know i noticed that my mom had kind of forgotten to put in the sun-kissed fun fruits yeah oh right for a while and i was like oh i guess i'm not getting those those are waxy yeah those little weird waxy nubs yeah uh sometimes they were covered in yogurt yeah they were neither fun nor fruit yeah these two girls were going around and stealing all the desserts, and then they got caught, and I guess for redemption, the parents made them go at every household they stole from and apologized directly to me. You need to get caught early so you don't have to do it to that many houses. Oh, that's a nightmare. See, if you think about it for like a petty crime

i think that would be a worse punishment than like like you know whatever going to jail or whatever never having to face the but if you had to like go to the owner of this store's house and be like stand in their living room and be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I painted your dog. I was drunk. I'm sorry I stole that Snickers bar. I didn't even eat all of it. Then again, you're not yourself when you're hungry snickers taught us that uh that's true i see what his lawyer said

well did you hear about the kid who like uh what did he do he stole a car or something and and um like like crashed it and killed a bunch of people. Did he say it was Cheetos or something? No, it was, uh, his defense that worked was that he is so rich. He never had any boundaries.

And he's like 16. His parents never taught him any consequences. And so he didn't know that he was doing anything bad. Oh, why didn't Richie Rich murder more people? Yeah, wow. And they call it affluenza. No.

Yeah. Is that really? Yeah. Oh, wow. It's like the, what's it called? The Twinkie defense. You've heard about that, right? The guy said he, it was somebody got, I think he got off. He killed somebody and said that the chemicals in Twinkies, he'd eaten so many Twinkies that he rotted his brain.

And this was the first time a defense like that had ever been trotted out. And people loved it. Yeah. The jury was rapt. I can't remember off the top of my head if he got away or not, but that was the take. No, he probably did. He got away. Yeah. Because he'd eaten all those Twinkies. Well, the Batmobile loss is real.

Graham, what's up with you this week? Here's the thing. Okay, this is, I've never seen this before. And Vancouver has a, I imagine a lot of cities have this similar thing going on. A lot of martial arts studios.

Seemingly, there's a collection of them in every neighborhood and there are always windows so you can see the class going on. That is weird. Yeah. Like, it seems like it's, maybe it's not that in every city. There's a lot of martial arts equipment stores, too. Yeah. Like, it's, there's a lot of, I guess, a lot of people you don't want to start shit with in the city. Yeah.

Gaze into the dojo. Yeah. Yeah. So there's, like, everything from capoeira to, like, mixed martial arts and then karate and kung fu and then... Bartitsu. Yeah. There is this bartitsu downtown. Yeah.

What's bartitsu? It's the umbrella one. Oh Bartitsu. Yeah, there is this Bartitsu downtown. Yeah. What's Bartitsu? That's the umbrella one. Oh, right. Yeah. Patented by Rihanna. And the other night I was walking over to... We were at Alicia Tobin's for a Christmas party. And I was walking and I passed by something called a Kido,

an Aikido studio. Is that one with sticks? It's yeah. Stones? Sticks, stones, breaking bones, rubber glue.

Aikido is like a sort of a Judo thing where you turn the energy against someone else. Yeah. But it does have sticks for sure and swords and to this i've never seen before it was a guy got his head chopped off in the window wow well it was it was a very sick small class no let me try it again no no no oh my neck. But there was two. It's seemingly largely dude-based, these martial arts studios.

It's not a lot of the thing you see on TV of women's self-defense courses with a guy wearing a big rubber suit or foam suit. But there was two guys. I'd love for people to wail on me in one of those suits. Dave, that can be arranged. Okay. But I saw a very beautiful young lady with

a samurai sword and she was Was it Mulan? Yeah, I think it was Mulan. It was crazy. I stood there like a kid staring in a toy store window. I was just like, what am I looking at? She cut her hair off with the sword? She was pretending to be a guy.

Yeah, absolutely, because the samurai army won't have her. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no spoilers. I'll make a man out of you. Is that from... Mulan! Yeah, it's from the Mulan soundtrack. Anyways, it's just, man, it's just really... First it caught me off guard.

Were you really going to say Mulan? No. Mulan or Mulan? Well, which one was the rouge one? Which one was the French one? Which one was the Japanese? Mulan. And then Mulanin I was gonna

try and reference that movie but I forgot the name where Zack Snyder directed all those psycho girls oh Sucker Punch Sucker Punch yeah Zuckerberg it was Sucker Punch oh from before yeah but I wonder I just can't picture who this lady is and what's her daytime thing. But you are in love with her. I think so. She's an assassin, maybe? What do you think? An assassin wouldn't train in front of a window.

Or would she? Oh, yeah, that would be it. I bet you if you waited long enough, she'd come out with a cool motorbike gear and get on a Kawasaki Ninja. Yeah, absolutely. Is her whole life is everything ninja with this person well but does she get on a motorbike does she live on a houseboat does she like you know what i mean like does she do all the cool things advertising yeah she she's uh we should create like a movie character that does every cool guy movie character thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Works in advertising. Motorcycle. Ninja. Also really old car. Yeah. Drinks in the afternoon.

And has a vendetta, right? Has some sort of... Because everybody cool has a score to settle. Yeah. Someone killed her dad. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. While she watched.

Yeah. While she paid the- Yeah. Anyways, so, like, that's happening, man. It's happening in this neighborhood. Yeah. Beautiful ladies of karate. Yeah.

Block. Gorgeous ladies of Akita. Glow-a. Anyway, so that was the biggest revelation. So if you're out there, beautiful Akita lady. Yeah, beautiful sword lady. She was really good at it, too. I mean, that's the thing.

That helps. Yeah, she had been really bad with it, cutting her own ear. Whoops. Let me try that again. She had been really bad with it, cutting her own ear. Whoops. Let me try that again. If you could take up a martial art.

Hmm. Which one? Yeah. Or would you mix them? Yeah, I would mix them. I probably. Well, do you know what? The only thing that's ever stopped me from joining something like that is the people that are at it.

They're terrible. The ponytails. The ponytails the pony the the aggression the uh you know like i imagine there are good studios that teach it but uh that's too intimidating i took fencing for a while and and it's it's fascinating it's really neat but it was that kind of thing where these people you could tell it's like ah now i've found my community thing where these people you could tell it's like ah now i've found my community yeah and but these people were all from disparate worlds sure where but they're all joined by their love of skinny swords yeah they convinced each other they're like ah here's where this person's still really different from me but they also came here that's sort of like um i know all these people who come

from different worlds who got together in this fighting competition there's one guy from brazil he was like an electric monkey man there was a guy from india who shot fire and had limbs that just uh uh went really long gogo gadget style uh there was ali sheedy was one of them yep there yeah There was a Sporto, a jock, a Goro, a Sporto, and a jock. Goro Spice. Yeah, there was a Spice Goro. Yeah. Sporto Spice. He's got a ponytail and six arms, but he could...

Yeah, but he's exactly the guy that I'm worried about. Didn't he have four arms? I thought he just had four arms, like Popeye. I feel like that's who I'm afraid is going to be at these martial arts classes. Goro? Goro. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Goro and his friends.

That's the one thing he does. Anyways, so yeah, if you're out there, sword girl uh i don't know how to ride a motorcycle or use a sword so you'd be wearing the pants in this uh in this uh karate relationship uh what would you take martial arts wise oh boy is there like a um showering art like like where a bunch of guys get together and shower? No. I mean, I just feel like I loved showering. I just feel like if there's one way to make it

more efficient. Like how you can maneuver loofahs and stuff? Yeah. Oh, sure. Okay. I would mostly use it on myself. Yeah. Well, but, you know, in an emergency. No, I just told you what I want to do. It's the one where I wear a foam suit

and women beat me up. Or a dog. Oh yeah, a dog attack. Well, I want to take the umbrella one just so I can wear a bowler hat. Impress everyone at next year's Christmas party. Do you have a pork pie version

of this i'm just going around tripping people with the hook of my umbrella you took a course for this well you already you're the one wearing the flat cap what else do i got yeah i gotta water around with a monocle and an umbrella yeah it feels like at an animation Christmas party, there'd be a lot of one-upmanship in the, what silly thing could I wear? Not that they think it's silly. Oh, there's always some crazy Christmas ties and stuff like that. Was there a lot of people wearing suits but with sneakers? I feel like that would be a look like that. There were a lot of guys with their suit, but they were also wearing a sash that said mayor.

That's how you really, if you're doing something one time. There was a guy with a sash, but he was just in a diaper. Oh, it was

the baby new year. The baby. Baby new year. And old man last year? What's his name? Yeah, old man old year. Old man time? Yeah. No, there's... Well, because baby new year, that's what we old man old year old man time yeah no there's well because baby

new year that's what we call baby new year yeah and then there's the old man the guy he's like the guy from the in utero video yeah although when next year is 1993 you're gonna want to be the old man in the in utero but yeah absolutely because you're about to clean up in utero uh that's the album the song um heart-shaped heart-shaped box yeah oh right with the old that was a real old santa jesus yeah that's a real 90s thing put an old man in your video yeah yeah cover like was that uh megadeth album cover it's got an old man staring at the ceilings with his shirt with his shirt off yeah oh yeah old man with shirt off was huge that was uh if you could secure a really good old man with his shirt off.

Not like this guy! That was the generation of... Not your generation! Yeah, really. It was the best. It was the greatest generation. We can all agree. Should we move on to Overherds? Yup. Erin, how would you describe throwing shade oh our podcast that we do that's won awards and millions of people have listened to i would describe it as an orgasm for

your ears that's absolutely correct we also talk about feminist and gay issues but we make them funny yeah or sometimes gross yeah or sometimes you like you will call the authorities. Hey folks, this is Kevin Allison of the Max Fund podcast, Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. If you've never heard Risk, why not start with our 150th episode? It's an all-star lineup of jaw-dropping true stories from Aisha Tyler. This being the 90s, I was drinking malt liquor. Don't fuck you in your racist house. You're all racist for laughing.

Tom Lennon. Whenever I walk into a place that's called Mr. Binkies, I'm expecting Armenian Bumblebee to be like, I got Jackoff pills for you. Yeah! Jay Moore. Me, public school in New Jersey, I didn't need to know anything because everybody knew you got pregnant by peeing in each other's butts. That's how we knew.

Andy Dick. We've had a monogamous relationship for five years. I barely cheated on her. And The Daily Show's Jessica Williams. Oh my God, I have like this need to be responsible for some reason that doesn't really benefit me so like jessica clean it up look for risk on itunes or of course at maximum fun.org over here we go overheards now uh emmett you know the drill you know how this goes yeah um i don't know why you're phasing away from me it's very weird um would you like oh no okay that's much weirder than

well it's because he turned his head around without moving his body yeah he did a very scary oh my neck like a dolly um a dolly is actually what you could have used to, uh, move, move that lady up the stairs. That woman around. Yeah. Uh, do you have an overheard? Do you want to start us out? Yeah. Let's see.

Uh, let's see if I can remember the wording of this one. Um, I tend not to eavesdrop on people. Yeah. Respect. Yeah. Yeah. But this one, uh, I was walking down the hallway of, uh, my old apartment building and I heard through the doorway, uh, a woman talking on her phone.

And I think this is what she said. Give me a second here. I think it was. That's a motorbike sound. Well, I don't know what to do. I'm trapped. I cheated on him. I had sex with somebody else, Mom.

Oh, no. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, I mean, who's going to understand more, right, than your own mother? Yeah. Why you cheated. I think my mother assumes I haven't had sex at all. So I would never share that

i've had sex with not one but yeah exactly one on the side yeah what am i gonna do i'm trapped i literally thought it was gonna be like another story where emma has to get involved and save a woman are you under a shelf uh yeah weird i wonder oh geez it's overheards like that i want to know Uh, yeah. Weird. I wonder, oh, geez. Overheard's like that. I want to know more. Yeah, I want her to describe more sex to her mom. Yeah, mom. Yeah.

Well, he was... He's rough. Yeah. He was what you would call, like, a Papa Smurf. He wore red pants that included the shoes. Yeah. Is thaturf and i gave him blue balls boom we did that everybody i cheated on a guy but i wouldn't put out with the guy yeah i cheated mom i well i led along another guy yeah I'm... That's my whole thing. Teasing. I'm a tease. Dave, do you have a...

Mom, let me out of this cage. I'm trapped. It's a thing he's into. Dave, do you have one? Yeah. Yeah? Not really. We're recording a lot, and I don't have a big backlog.

It's because you're going away to lovely Switzerland. It's going to be so... I can't wait to hear about it. Yeah, I don't know why that would affect how many overheards I have. Oh, no, just the why we're doing so. Yeah, exactly. Good, good, good. Good, good, good. Good, good, good.

Mine is just an overseen. And I was behind, I think it was like a GeoTracker, which is sort of like a Jeep thing. Okay. Right. Sometimes, I guess SUVs, before they became like soccer mom vehicles they were like they always had like a spare tire on the back they were like rugged things or for driving your friend OJ

away from a crash yeah exactly and so I was behind one of these and it had a cover for the spare tire and on the cover was Taz, the Tasmanian devil I guess not Taz Taz is from Tiny Toons yeah he was just at the Tasmanian yeah

yeah and a guy who has no lines yeah that's right yeah and has no real character yeah but in the 90s he wore hip-hop clothing. Yeah. But had no defining characteristic other than he was a tornado of an individual. Oh, he's everyone's favorite for a long time. People have tattoos of that guy. That is true. There was an epidemic of that. The government made you get these tattoos.

Yeah. And it just said, it says, back off on the, it's got a picture of the Tasmanian devil. It says back off, I guess, to the traffic behind you. Yeah. But this person, they bought one that was too big for their tire. And so, like, they had to kind of fold the extra fabric behind the tire. And you couldn't tell it said back off. You couldn't tell it was a B there.

You're just like, it says something, ack off. So it's either the Tasmanian devil imploring me to masturbate while I drive. Or telling you to check out Yakov's mirror. Yeah.

Quick question. Do you guys remember... We're all the same age. We're all friends here. Early phase of high school is... 52. There was the time when all those, like, Looney Tunes were in hip-hop gear

that people would have t-shirts of. Yeah. But do you remember, I think Bootlegger was really popular with it. It was really nicely embroidered Sesame Street characters. Oh, yeah. On t-shirts yeah and that was embroidered yeah like really like a really fine but like yeah like something that would uh like rub your nipple right off yeah like really i remember it being like a like a weird status symbol if you have an oscar the grouch

one but if you had you remember i do know what you're talking about. If you had Donald the Duck, Donald the Duck. Well, I mean, yeah, it's weird because they never, they just did that hip hop clothing thing. They never kept it going. Like there were no,

there's no Juggalo Tasmanian Doe. There's no Rave Kid Tasmanian Doe. Yeah, like that was just that one. Black Metal Tasmanian Dole. Yeah, there's no Rave Kid Tasmanian Dole. Yeah, like, that was just that one. Black Metal Tasmanian Dole. Yeah. Well, I'm sure there are. There's totally knockoff, because there was, like, remember Rastafari and Bart Simpson? Yeah.

That was a thing you could find at a finer flea market in roadside stands. There was a, speaking of, well, I mean, it was the nineties. So I had a, uh, like a skinny old man embroidered on a t-shirt. I remember a guy in my high school had a t-shirt with, uh, Betty and Veronica making out on it. Oh yeah. And it was like, wow, is nothing sacred. I just had a shirt that said Jurassic Park coming soon.

Wow. Wow. Tra. Wow. The trailer shirt. My overheard is a lady who is trying to figure out what to do for a friend's birthday. Where is this? This is on the bus. No, it's on the train, actually. Where is this?

This is on the bus No, it's on the train actually She's talking with her friend and she's trying to figure out And she makes a very bold statement like Well we get We get an ice cream cake every year I mean sometimes we don't I'm so tired of doing this thing that I often don't do. I want to do something different than the thing I never do.

Yeah, an ice cream cake every year, that's about right. Yeah. I mean, unless it's your birthday. It's all right for everyone else, but if you are getting an ice cream cake For your birthday every year Then you also have to deal with other ice cream cakes Throughout the year I'm more of a treats a pizza guy

They don't still make treats a pizza Oh yes they do I make my own treats a pizzas Where I get a bobbly crust Some rice dream Olives. I like it. And then Smarties.

Yeah. I think you can make a little ice cream sandwich out of a... Yeah, if you get... Oh, yeah. If you get a Boboli crust, drizzle it with chocolate. You just use Ritz crackers. I bet that'd be good. Yeah, onions and herbs.

Boboli crust with... Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Fudge. Ugh, guys. Guys, bobbly crust with... Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Fudge. Ugh, guys. Guys, you're making a... Guys, let's name the grossest food we can think of. Ooh.

Garbage juice. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I guess. Oh, I used to work in a movie theater one summer, and that... It's crazy to smell from what used to be pop and popcorn and delicious treats. As soon as all that stuff gets congealed to the bottom of a trash bin. That garbage juice is so pungent and so gross. Like, is it worse than average garbage juice?

It's something really, I don't know, like, there's a sweetness to it. How much would- That really blisters through your nostrils. How much would it cost, but this is for both of you, for you to do a standard shot of garbage juice? Is it fermented? Will I get drunk off of it? Is this

standard garbage? This is standard household garbage. Can I look at the garbage? You might get drunk off of it. Can I look at the garbage? Nope, this is just collected from my garbage can. Oh, okay. So there's no potential, like, baby diaper leakage? But it is gross. It is garbage juice.

It's definitely garbage juice. And a shot, like a standard bar shot. Well, do I have to... Can I... If I barf immediately, do I lose? Nope. You just have to get it all in. It doesn't have to stay in.

How much? How muchy? Well, I'm a working professional yeah who doesn't get blindingly drunk at work parties okay so i i don't need money 100 let's say 250 250 no i don't know i want to that right now, but if you put it in front of me, I don't know. In my mind, I'm in like five figures. I'm like, okay, so 20 grand, is that going to be enough? I would pay, and would you do it, for $300. Cash.

$300 right there. Graham Clark's garbage juice. Yeah. That's a good band name. Think it over. We'll talk after the podcast. Well, yeah, you're a vegetarian. You don't smoke.

I am, but I have roommates that are... Oh, well, here we go. You don't smoke. Like, you're not gonna... Oh, like cigarette butts and stuff. In your home garbage, you don't put cigarette butts. Yeah, but you dump ashtray, like an ashtray. Oh, you do dump ashtrays. Oh, you do dump ashtrays.

No, you just dump it in your neighbor's yard. You don't have it. Put it in the garbage vault. Oh, fuck. 300 bucks. No, I don't think I could do that either. It's the worst substance. 400 bucks.

Yeah. Yeah. Done. We also have overheards that have been sent in to us from people all over the world. Wait, did you go yet? Yeah. Yeah. That didn't count, though.

I'm trapped, ma'am. Yeah. Yeah. I want to know more about her. Yeah. Move back to that apartment. I'm in a Teletubby suit right now, and I'm trapped. Yeah.

Well, I got it. Travis gets home soon. I got to change. I can't know. I'm cheating on him. I'm trapped, Well, I got it. Travis gets home soon. I got to change. Can't know. I'm cheating on him. I'm trapped, Mom. My older brother is pinning my arms down and typewriting me in the middle of the chest. He's doing that thing where he puts a loogie down and he sucks it back up.

I'm trapped here. This first one comes from Michael B. in Rochester, Minnesota. Is that M-N? Yeah. Minnesota. My family went to- Cold this time of year. Oh, absolutely.

Chilly. Bundle up. My family went to a parade last weekend in a small town, and my three-year-old son was handed a small package from a church organization with some candies and flyers. One of the flyers was written as if an unborn baby was keeping a journal. The entry for November 12th goes, Tiny fingers are beginning to form on my hands.

Funny how small they are. I shall be able to stroke my mother's hair with them, and I shall take her hair to my mouth, and she will probably say, Oh, nasty. Oh, nasty. And I shall take her hair to my mouth and she will probably say, oh, nasty. And this was probably like a pro-life thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then dispose of me then. Oh, nasty. Oh, nasty. Pretty great. Oh, a little journal. Imagine that. I know. the doctor being like well

baby placenta and a book little moleskin here yeah doesn't even have fingers but is able to just using both of his hands

holding it together holding a pen oh nasty oh nasty this next one comes from Ashley W pen. Oh, nasty. Oh, nasty. This next one comes from Ashley W. St. Louis, Missouri.

I was hanging out with a group of friends and one guy was talking about the time he saw Dave Coulier at a local stand-up club. The girl he was talking to replied, was it weird to be that close to someone from full house kind of yeah it would be i met uh i've met bob saget and dave coulier so that's weird

right yeah i've also seen um were you just thinking about full house when you saw them yeah yeah well kind of because they're like they're from that era where I was, like, a kid. It was always on TV. Is it true that Bob Saget is really like that? Like, he's super tidy and... Yeah, yeah. His act is all, like, really... At the end, he stands outside the door of the theater, gives everybody a hug.

Oh. Yeah, everybody gets a hug on the way. Yeah, all right. And at the end of the set, he solved a lot of people's problems, right? He's, um, his wife's dead. I can't think of any more Danny Tanner things. He was really tidy. Yeah, he said tidy.

Oh, yeah, he was really tidy. His wife was dead. Killed in a freak cleaning accident. She was, the character was um uh jesse's sister yes wait yes and also that's why the kids were so blonde so but it was uh jesse got married he's a becky yeah and danny ended up becky danny ended up getting remarried right to a lady yeah maybe but was joey was he was the was the premise that he had a girlfriend at some point he did but very briefly was the premise that he was like a confirmed bachelor i don't think so i remember

in the later seasons he was getting tons of Tang. Just getting all sorts of puss. Tons of Tang. Cut it out. I can't participate. You never saw? I've seen maybe one full episode. Are you serious? How did you avoid it? TGIF? What did you do on Friday nights?

Whatever happened to predictability? What did you do on Friday nights? Whatever happened to predictability? I think I realized at a young age that that was not the kind of sitcom I liked. Oh, it was terrible. I don't know if I should be proud of myself, but I kind of realized early then that I was like, this is not good. None of this is funny. We had jokes. We had good jokes.

Kimmy Gibbler was a solid character. That's true but uh when i heard heard everyone talking about urkel then i was dying to watch family matters and when that finally i finally had access to that yeah yeah i watched too much of that urkel is a jame uh it's a game changer he was a jame changer yeah read it on upworthy Jaleel White's doing the voice of something right now. Uh, Urkel? Urkelbot? No, it's Urkel the Animated Series. Oh, oh!

Why wasn't that a thing? That really, like, that show would have been better as a cartoon. It was good. I know, but think of the zany antics. They could have been, like, they could have come back in time, gone to space. They could have had, like, a robot version of him, or, like, a very cool cool version of him they could have had an episode where he was really good at basketball i always figured that was like in the end of the run jaleel watch

it was just saying like look i can't be a dork anymore yeah i'm just i will be urkel for this many episodes but you have to put me in a cool context yeah and then the writers were like how about a urkel bot and he's like no something cooler i remember when they showed off waldo's but you have to put me in a cool context. Yeah, and then the writers were like, how about Urkelbot? And he's like, no, something cooler. I remember when they showed off Waldo's tap dancing skills. What was Waldo's last name? Waldo Faldo Geraldo.

Yeah. No. Yeah. Oh my God. He was dumb. He was the dumb... It was weird because... But the actor was actually

a really skilled tap dancer, so they're like, oh, we gotta do something. And they let him show off. Jaleel White was really good at basketball, too. And so there was an episode where he was on the basketball team. Oh, yeah. But he still wore suspenders, even though he's wearing shorts?

Yeah, he was like their equipment manager, and everyone got injured. And then, it's like one of those positive internet videos. Nerd makes good. How much do you think it would cost to get Jaleel White to drink a shot of garbage juice?

Oh, boy. Well, he does it every time before he records the voice of... Oh, damn it. I don't know what show it is that he's doing a voice for. I know.

That's how this all started. This last overheard comes from Adrian in in rhode island guys yep expendables from roxy uh i am a night custodian at a high school everyone works in a separate area but i have you do the cbc what's that you do that at the cbc yeah that's right i fix i fix things i dispense wisdom to people who are having trouble. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there was that one girl that was trapped, and I was like, tell me where you are.

What can you see? I will find you. I want to cheat on my boyfriend with you. So I'm a night custodian. Everyone works in a separate area, but I am known for having my music quite loud and often being heard throughout the building. Tonight, however, I had your podcast. Stop podcasting yourself. Thanks for the

reminder! In case you guys forget where you were. Playing on my stereo, when heading down to punch out for the night, I hear one co-worker say, What the fuck was Adrian listening to up there? To which another co-worker responded, I don't know, some bullshit Hulk Hogan radio show. The first guy replied, he has a radio show?

To which the second guy said, nah, just some weirdos talking about Hulk Hogan. Weirdos? Yeah. So sometimes overheards fold in on themselves. If you want to send an overheard to us, it's SPY at maximum fun.org or how? Well, also,

if you know any Hulk Hogan news, send it to us because I wonder what it would look like if Hulk Hogan was DJing with a guy standing next to him. Or if the Hulk Hogan had a face under his mustache and another face. Same face under there. I will never know. Well, you'll never know. Or if Hulk Hogan had a face under his mustache and another face under that. Yeah, his same face under there. We'll never know. Well, you'll never know. But if you do have that kind of stuff, then call us with it. And describe it.

206-339-8328. That's also overheard calling. And whatever you want to talk about. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Bye, everybody. Hey, Dave Graham and maybe guests. This is Matt from San Francisco. I'm calling with an overheard, kind of an older one. But one day I was walking through Golden Gate Park and what looked like a woman who lived

here and her parents who were visiting. It seemed to be what it looked like. They were walking through the park. They had leftover food in their hands. And some bearded young, like, hip dude was walking past them. And the mother tried to pawn off her leftover stuff. She asked, do you want this sandwich? She's like, the guy was like, no. she asked, do you want this sandwich?

She's like, the guy was like, no. And the daughter says, mom, he's not homeless. He just has a beard. Thanks, guys. Hey, do you want the sandwich? I mean, it's got to be even kind of not super great when a homeless guy's offered us half a sandwich. It's very not super great. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think it was a sandwich bitten into? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, of course. This is what I, yeah. They would just get bitten into all the time. I thought it was like half, like cut into half. But even still, would you take a half a sandwich?

I don't know. If it was a club. From a stranger? If it was a club sandwich and it still had the toothpick in it, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah, because that seals in the freshness. I set my bar pretty low for drinking garbage juice. Yeah, so I don't know what I'm capable of. If someone just walked up and offered you half of a sandwich, how much would you pay?

How much would we have to pay you to eat it? Zero. A sandwich. Half a sandwich. And sandwich and great in full you're a uh bearded uh wildly bearded dude yes like um how would you describe your beard uh bushy straggly outrageous outrageous outrageous a frothy cascade sure absolutely uh bodacious? Yeah, totally. I would totally describe it as bodacious. Have you ever been, has someone ever homeless profiled you? Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like I was homeless profiled. I feel like any time when I've gone into a place where there's a show and there's somebody whose job it is to be the door person, because they don't, you know what I mean? When you just walk in off the street, their instinct is to be like, person because they don't you know what i mean when you just walk in off the street yeah their instinct is to be like no public bathrooms and then yeah then you talk and they go no public oh you're a comedian on the show no public yeah um yeah so i have had that where it's been and it's been legitimate and i feel like the people are super embarrassed. How many free half-eaten meals have you accepted?

Oh, God. I mean, if I had a sandwich for every time I was given half a sandwich, I'd have twice as many sandwiches. Oh, man. We'll work out an algorithm for that, Hollywood. Here's your next phone call. Bro. Hi, Dave Graham, guest. here's your next phone call bro hi uh dave graham guest um this is sean from dc calling him with an overheard i was at the airport the other day um and there's this kid that was like four or eight or something um and i i'm guessing he found some money on the ground or some change

or something all i saw it turned around he turned to his mom and he goes, See, this is why I love airports. Money. Money. I love money. Yeah. An airport is a good place to, if you were, I don't know why there's not more panhandlers at the airport.

Probably because they're told not to be there and they can't get through security no but in the terminal because like you're always looking to get rid of change yeah that's like the one time that change is like really just i wonder if that mom went oh here we go and the kid just went and rifled through all the chairs and all the gates yeah yeah just yeah, yeah. Looking, just crawling on his knees. I found a peanut. So there. Yeah, we're rich. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, in the movie Airplane, I remember there are...

He's got to go through so many groups of people to get to the terminal, and one of them is a Hare Krishna's. Oh, yeah. Is that still a thing? I've never seen one in an airport. Yeah, Hare Krishna's handing out pamphlets and stuff. Yeah, Jews for Jesus.

Yeah. It's weird, because I don't think... No, I've never seen that, even like pre... 9-11? Yeah. Weird. Do you know, speaking of airplane, that they're remaking the naked gun with Ed Helms? Bleh.

Why? It's not a thing that needs to be remade no perfect the way it is and it's not a brand name that kids like if you want to see naked gun just watch naked gun i know but kids love ed helms that's true that's true and they hate george kennedy yes because of his bad breath oh oh yeah yeah, was he? He was a spokesman for Breath Assure. I guess that didn't work, because why isn't that a product that everybody uses? Yeah, I guess you're right. You know what I mean? Like, it must just have not...

Do you think maybe it's because O.J. Simpson's such a controversial character that... Oh, was this post-O.J. Simpson? Breath Assure? Yeah. I think so. No, not Breath Assure. I'm talking about Naked Gun Naked Gun was pre

OJ Simpson Yeah So that's why They're remaking it They're making Yeah cause they just Feel uncomfortable Putting that stuff on TV

But it's always on TV Naked Gun Yeah It's on TV all the time And OJ Simpson is sort of In it for 10% of the time Yeah It's like one of the

I just like Just write a thing Why don't we I'm not suggesting we stunt cast it. Oh. But. If you had to. Well, Ed Helms. Ed Helms.

Frank Trevin. And like, how many characters are there? Three? Basically. George Kennedy. George Kennedy. Priscilla Presley. Oh, Priscilla Presley.

And then O.J. Simpson then O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson will be played by Ray Lewis, a famous murdering football player. Yeah, if you were going young with it, I'd say you'd cast a Donald Glover for the O.J. role. And then, I don't know, Frank Driven,, that was part of the thing that he was old. Like that. He was like an old guy on the force. All of his career as an actor up until airplane,

he was a serious actor. Yeah. Yeah. And Ed Helms is just always been comedy. Yeah. So it's like, I just, it's pointless.

It's the most pointless remake. I think I've ever heard. I do like rapid fire jokes, but I feel like if you want those, that's what scary movies for. I wonder how Ed Helms, what he thinks of him going, does he think, does he think it's a good idea or does he know it's kind of- I don't know. Do you say no to things?

If someone says, hey, you're going to star in these iconic movies. That's true. Well, Steve Martin didn't turn down the Pink Panther. And they made a fucking sequel to that. Yeah, I know. And those are better. Yeah. That's true.

They get better movie by movie. Will he be able to pronounce hamburger in the third one? Time will tell. What? That's not a French accent. Time will tell. What? That's not a French accent.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Here is your final overheard. Hey, Dave and Graham, possible guests. This is Jared from Sacramento with an overseen. We were driving down over Thanksgiving weekend, down over Thanksgiving weekend, and we were stuck behind this van, this minivan, with the license plate that said,

Able to See, which seemed like quite the F you to the blind. Or maybe he's just telling everybody, like, listen, just stop honking. I can see, all right? I may drive like I'm blind, but come on. Maybe he's a ref, and he just got tired.

What are you, blind, ref? No, check out my license plate. Take it around his neck. Like Flavor Flav. Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, that's a cool look. Has anybody ever done that? On a license plate? On a license plate? Probably, but you can reinvent it Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a cool look. Has anybody ever done that? Want a license plate?

Want a license plate? Probably, but you can reinvent it. All right. Yeah. I bet you a rapper who'd been to jail and was stuck making license plates. Yeah. He leaves jail. That's his thing.

Yes. License plate kid. I am free. Or, you know, whatever. Yeah. I can see. Able to see. Able to see. Able to see.

Not I can see. That would be, that's better. Yeah. It's like the way you talk. Able to see. Oh, so it would be like two and then the letter C. Yeah. Yeah.

A lot of bumpers dumpers. Well, that brings us to the end of this year's show. If you like the end of the show, I don't know. I realized we had already given the phone number. Emmett, do you have anything that you are working on? Where can people find out more about Emmett Hall? All right. All right.

Let's go through the list, guys. Oh, boy. This is going to take a while. Dave's falling asleep. Yeah. Daddy's falling asleep. Yeah. Daddy's falling asleep. You shouldn't be sitting on a toilet. Let's balance things on his head.

A lot of people know me from the Sunday service. Yep. So you can come see us every Sunday at the Cosmic Zoo. That's 53 West Broadway, and that's with the improv group. Sunday at the Cosmic Zoo. That's 53 West Broadway. And that's with the improv group. You can follow me on Twitter.

At I am Emmett Hall. Yep. Okay. Mostly that stuff is just tweets of me keeping myself entertained while I draw cartoons. Sure. So. So like, do you ever notice that a hand is hard to draw? Horses are difficult.

Bicycles are. Those are the three hardest things to draw, right? Wheels. Yeah. Wheels are the worst. Yeah. Yeah. I have the Sunday service has a podcast called the Sunday service presents a beautiful podcast.

Go to a beautiful podcast dot com. That's a crazy wild sketch. You're still sleeping. He's committed to it. I want to pour beer in his open mouth but i won't a beautiful podcast is like improvised uh sketches that i later uh edit and put in crazy sound effects and music now i understand you guys were nominated for a canadian comedy award this year yeah uh which I'm looking at the one that we lost. Oh, thanks for bringing it to us. We've lost to you guys two years in a row. Let's make this year a three-peat.

I don't think you released enough episodes this year. I don't think so. No, no. I've fallen behind, but hopefully in the new year that gets going. One thing, this is a new thing. It's not that new, but no one knows about it. I have a glorious Tumblr. Oh, ah.

And what it is, it's inspirational quotes that I write. Oh, yes. Daily. Five days a week, it's stuff that I've written. Take the weekends off. Yeah, I take the weekends off. Five days a week, I write uh inspirational quotes uh with a very uh derisive sort of tagline you'd have to see it for yourself it's called lafferisms yeah that's l-a-u

p-h-o-r-i-s-m-s there's lafferisms.com or lafferisms via tumblr i'm both the same thing i just subscribed. Yeah. Laugh-erisms. Yeah. And every Sunday, Saturday's open for people who want to submit their own. You kind of have to follow

the guidelines. You'll read them and you'll see basically the basic formula. Sunday's dedicated to Vin Diesel because that guy posts the weirdest inspirational quotes

on his own weird backgrounds. He's doing great. And if that gets too complicated via all those links, just go to my Twitter page and on the profile, you could connect that way. Cool. But yeah, I encourage people to go because I don't think anyone reads them except me, but I love making them. Laughers.

And it's a daily thing. So it's a little treat. I love it. And Adrian, if you're out there listening to this while you uh clean up the school no no hulk hogan talk tonight yeah never again yeah yeah so there um uh happy new year everybody yeah yeah happy 1993 make this one count yeah happy, what's the Chinese New Year in 1993? Darn it. Oh, seal. Ape. Yeah. Rascal.

If you like the show, why not leave a review on iTunes saying how much you like it? Start off your New Year fresh by, you know, saying

how much you really love it. Oh, my God. So good. And also, it's New Year's Eve is coming up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Laugh Gallery show at the Cambrian Hall. love it. Oh my god, it's so good. And also, it's New Year's Eve is coming up. Oh yeah!

Yeah! Laugh Gallery show at the Cambrian Hall. 17th in Maine. Tickets on sale where? What is it called? Neptune? Yeah, Neptune. Neptune Records on Main Street. That is the annual show now. Hosted by Graham. It's fun,

easy, right? Yeah. It's fun, easy, right? Easy breezy. Yeah, it's not like a high-pressure, high-expense New Year's Eve plan. It's, uh... This year, the Sunday service will not be attending this one because we are at a, like, super fancy New Year's Eve party. You'll hate it. At the Fairmont Hotel.

Hotel Vancouver. There's like four crazy ballrooms. Too crazy. This is too crazy. Don't go to that. One of crazy ballrooms Uh huh Too crazy This is too crazy Don't go to that One of the ballrooms We're in As we're in performing

Along with a bunch Of other crazy music Nobody Too fancy dress Too crazy Yeah Cambrian Hall New Year's Eve

Be there If you want to get In touch with the show It is SPY Maximumfun.org Or 206-339-8328 You know Auld Lang Syne and all that.

See you in 1993. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Boy, oh boy, what a year. Got your taxes ready, baby? Oh, jeez. First of the month. Oh, it gets so complicated.

Everyone files their taxes at the very end of April. Oh. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.