Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 303 - Nima Gholamipour

Episode Date: January 6, 2014

Comedian Nima Gholamipour joins us to talk phony encores, dogs in shorts, and bus stop shenanigans.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 303 of Stop Podcast Yourself and Happy New Year. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a guy who was formerly dubbed Baby New Year, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I was born January 1st. I was once the... Did you ever see those news stories about like, first baby of the year?

Yeah, yeah. January 1st. Hey, about, like, first baby of the year? Yeah, yeah. January 1st. Hey, the city welcomed its first baby at midnight 01. Your 15 minutes is up, baby. Yeah, like, is that it for the baby? Yeah. Has any of those babies ever amounted to anything? Well, one of them turned out to be Andy Warhol.

Oh, cool. That's not really. I was born in December. December 1st. I was born in December. December 1st. I was baby December. Yeah. And our guest today, first-time guest here on the podcast, a very funny improviser by night, animator by day. We're going through the city's animator registry.

Yeah, absolutely. We've got some guy with glasses is going to be on next week. And then a guy with shirt rides up a little bit on his gut. He's going to be in here in February. Pork pie hat. It's Nima Golamipour. Did I say that right? Ding, ding.

Yay! Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. Oh, it's a treat Should we get to know us? Yeah Get to know us So, I know you from rap battles

That's the primary source of my NEMA input Your NEMA knowledge Yeah That's where most people know me from Yeah, but you know, you gotta start somewhere That's where people get it, right? And you started From the bottom Yeah, that's where most people know me. Yeah, yeah, but you know you get you gotta start somewhere It's where people get right and you started from the bottom. Yeah So how are things tell us tell us What's going on? What's what's what's new? What's shake? Oh, I'm just like a regular dude

Absolutely introduce yourself. Yeah, this is like a dating dude. Absolutely. Introduce yourself. This is like a dating profile. Yeah, yeah. I'm just a regular guy. You know, I'm into the regular stuff. I'm a nice guy. I'm into strangling. I do a lot of improv in the city. Yeah.

With Instant Theater. Yeah. And yeah, I work at an animation studio known for My Little Pony. Right. Have you had any brony run-ins yet? No, no brony run-ins. But even though I work at the studio, but I don't work on the show, I get followers on Twitter that are bronies. Now, for listeners that have not heard of this phenomenon because i don't feel like

it's a widespread something bronies yeah thank you yes bronies are known for their l cool jay bronies are uh uh brothers of uh of another oni yeah of another me. No, they're breathless. They're male grown-up fans of the new television show My Little Pony. And I don't pretend to understand. Yeah, but I don't pretend to accept it. pretend to accept it um is there uh security where you work against or could a brony just walk it um sorry we've got we like they got uh security codes like you get a card and you could swipe it right get into the studio okay but they don't have like bodygu or bouncers. Do they have a protocol to recognize a brony? So if I was a brony and I'm listening, what's the best way to get into the building?

Once we did get a dude who came in. Really? It's like we were working in this, we were working in inner space. Yeah, absolutely. Inner cubes. And this guy was standing outside the door just staring at us and uh he like walked in because the the office door was open and he started like looking at the the shows we were working on but it wasn't but but it wasn't like

the show that uh uh it wasn't my little pony show and then someone was like hey like what's up who are you staring down and he was a dude wearing like a pajama like a full body unitard yeah and he he had to get kicked out yeah yeah well because he wasn't invited in yeah uh did he well are bronies like vampires they have to be invited in. Yeah. Did he... Well, are bronies like vampires? They have to be invited in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Or somebody has to not notice that they've just walked in. Those are the two ways a brony can get into a place. If there's really stealth. Is that how it works with vampires, too? Yeah. Yeah. Well, if you... If you sneak in?

If you fall in love with a vampire, and you... But you fell in love on Valentine's Day and you went to Boston Pizza, got a heart-shaped pizza and had garlic on it, the vampire will be wanting to invite, but also be repelled by the garlic. And if you eat it inside the house, but he delivered it, he's allowed in because he has the pizza. Yeah. Right? That's a loophole. Have you ever ordered a pizza and said, come in, put the pizza down in here for me? I usually don't even answer the door.

I just say, it's open. Come on in. Walk down the hallway. Take a slice out of the box and get ready to put it in my mouth. Money's on the table. There's an extra $10 in there for you to feed the pizza to me. Come get the wallet. It's in my pocket.

Chew it for me. And then I, yeah, when the pizza guy comes in he sees I'm chained to the radiator. I've done it myself, but he doesn't know that. And I go, I only could get one phone call out, and I called you! He's like, can I help you? Like,'ve done enough yeah yeah did you bring the dipping sauces because that's all i need take the key and lock the door now um so you just started working at this animation studio yeah

i was working there for a while uh last year okay and it's all animation work is all contract based so you uh you get on a contract and you animate it and then and then you you get extended or not sure and then you like there's a pause and then they'll be like oh there's another show coming up come check come check us out we want you to watch it we don't want you to work on it. Check out our website. That's what animation is, guys. Now you, we believe you are our youngest ever guest. Yeah, possibly. You were born in the 1990s.

I can't confirm this. A young Will Smith was just making his way to the airwaves. In West Philadelphia. You guys don't know me. I'm a lot like Will Smith. Yeah, tell us how yeah okay just swagger okay sure well or just in general swagger yeah okay you know uh looks like i gave looks like he does yeah do it do uh one of your classic takes yeah okay okay i'll be

like ah that's good something like that for listener, it was the eyes. Yeah. It was the Will Smith eyes look. It was like, Hillary, really? That face. Seriously. But it was the modern one where he's like, Hillary Clinton. Secret Secretary of State. Yeah. What do you do in the off periods when you're not animating?

When you're not a millennial. When I'm not animating? Yeah. I mean, do you have a hobby? What do you do not animating. When you're not a millennial. When I'm not animating? Yeah. Do you have a hobby? What do you do? Improv. Oh, no, that's a pursuit. I'm looking for more of a... Oh, I know. I transit.

Oh. That's what I do. You just transit? You go between places? Where do you end up? Pretty much. Yeah. I'm on the bus constantly. It sounds like we were setting you up for a bit.

Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. A transit. But we are just as confused as everyone listening. So why do you ride a lot of transit? What's the story? I live in North Vancouver. Right. Across the body of water.

You have to take the sea bus. Yeah, I take the sea bus, bus, taxi, whatever it takes to cross that ocean. Oh, there's water cabs, I think they're called. Really? Yeah. I don't know about that. No, I'm making it all up. Is there not water taxis that go between?

No? Not from... There's only the sea bus? There's no competing boats? There's the sea bus, and then there's the bridge. Yeah. There's no dude that just has a boat that's like, Hey, five will get you where you're going.

Have you ever been on some weird dude? Yeah. Oh, he's got to be weird. I found a boat. I got an oar. I found a boat. I got an oar. I found a boat in this Skeletor mask. Have you taken a sea bus before?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've taken it since I was a kid. Oh, it's... You probably hate it. Before you were born. Oh, no, I don't hate it. I actually don't mind it.

I like it. I like it a lot. You spend... I like transiting places because you get to like that's your hub think be on your phone yeah it's true you really live the life of a king yeah totally yeah i like waiting in line for the same thing yeah um what how long does it take to go across this? 15 minutes on the dot. Yeah, right?

And when have you ever... I guess there's buses, but I've heard stories of people getting stranded. Strangled. Yeah, that's right. What did I say? Freudian slip. I meant strangled. Strangled once the C bus stops.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the stranglers come out. No, like the last one of the day is that whatever 12 or 12 or something yeah and then you get stranded and then you just have to stay in the city and survive on your wits or there are bridges of your last breath well yeah but can you walk across the bridge like if you went out drinking I've seen some drunk dudes walk across the bridge nice have you have you seen them because you were also a drunk dude no no you're trying I was a drunk dude on the bus crossing the bridge hi on the taxi cuz like I can save money cuz I live it with my parents Oh fun yeah I like it's it's all you know so I know

guys I don't know anything else What is... I'm jealous I wish I lived with my parents How old were you when you moved out? 19 I think And how did you imagine it being? Almost exactly like it was

I pictured pizza boxes on the floor Walking around wearing only one sock Not on your feet I pictured pizza boxes on the floor, walking around wearing only one sock. Not on your feet. You know, a terrible bathroom. Wow, you really idealized it. You really desecrated it. You haven't got to the dishes yet.

Oh, dishes in the sink. Dish them dish, baby. Also, I figured if I had some extra money that my roommate and i would buy paper dishes and i've never just we live like a picnic every day would be a picnic um yeah so it wasn't that was your thing if you like you didn wash dishes, you just bought more dishes? There are people. Really? Yeah.

They're called Americans. Whoa! Hey! Hey, Dave! I'm trying to high-five over here. Theater of the mind. We could have high-fived. No, I've definitely seen that, where it's cheaper to just buy paper plates than it is to uh wash dishes yeah like not because because

you can buy so many paper plates you know and like dish soap costs like whatever five dollars and paper plates kind of like a quarter for a thousand or something there's like a probably a clothing equivalent to instead of doing laundry you just shop at H&M or something. I wonder, like, how much laundry soap costs added in the labor time. Maybe I could just buy new, cheapo underwear. I wonder, too, man. I wonder, too. Or you could buy paper underwear.

Oh, I'd wear paper underwear. But it would... Wait, is it a crinkle? Do people know that I'm wearing paper underwear? Yeah like a big it's bulky like a diaper but has it has it been worn before no no but it's what what kind of paper are we talking about it's already been chewed um it's yeah it's like no it's like corrugated cardboard. Can I sit? You're not going to want to sit. It'll rip. Yeah.

To bits. No, let's think this through. Let's invent a paper underwear. Okay, we're taking this to the dragon's den. Yeah, yeah. Hold on, Kevin. Start to take for our American listener. Kevin O'Leary, you're a rich bag of shit. You like throwing around money. For our American listener. Kevin O'Leary, you're a rich bag of shit. You like throwing around money.

Finance my paper underwear. Alright, so we've all been there, guys. Your underwear reeks. Yeah. You can't stand the smell of your own underwear. Well. You don't know how to wash clothes. You were never taught.

You don't have a quarter, clothes you were never taught uh you don't have a quarter but you do have a dime and that's how much our paper underwear retails for and you're a 90s baby yeah 90s babies uh they grew up with uh washing machines right in the houses we didn't uh yeah you had to go down You had to wash your clothes We went down to the river Mine was half and half Because I was born in Iran And I moved here when I was

Turning nine Oh wow Now huge culture shock Or not so huge What is it like in Iran? I have no idea Were you urban? Rural? uh or not so huge what is it like in iran i have no idea yeah um were you uh urban rural urban okay i was an urban iranian um and uh like what i just the only thing i like remember

your english is great thank you the only thing I remember distinctly is classes at school being like 10 times as hard really? just being like intense I came to Chaffeeburg Elementary School okay was that in Iran or here?

no it was here what was the name of your elementary school in Iran? I don't remember. Oh, I don't remember. Yeah, Prince Simon. What's that? I don't know. I was just trying to make something very British-y English.

Chaffeebrook. Burke. Burke. That's in Burnaby. Wow. Near Moskrap. Wow. Okay, so you're in school.

It's super tough. What are kids into in Iran? Soccer. Soccer. That's why they're so good at it. All right. Soccer. But kids are into soccer here.

Are they not? They don't watch it, though. Kids are into soccer around the world, guys. Yeah, that's true. But I feel like when I... Paper balls. Shoot some paper balls around. Easy.

It's cheap. I once saw this interview. It is cheap. I once saw this interview with a fashion designer named Michael Bastian. And he was talking about how... Is he Iranian? No, he's American. But he was talking about how in Italy, the men are so well-dressed because, you know, in America, on a Saturday morning, you go out and you play soccer in America.

But in Italy, you go with your dad to the tailor. But it doesn't make sense. Italy is way better at soccer. Yeah, and also, that's not what people in America do. They sit in their house, Just like every other country. Kids play soccer. Oh yeah, kids play soccer. That's true.

Then we go to the tailor. Soccer first, then tailor. And then the power. So soccer, what kind of like, were any cartoons popular? Yeah. Pokemon wasn't popular in Iran. Pokemon became popular here when I got here. And everyone chose a view?

Do you think Pokemon didn't exist before you came in? I didn't even bring it from Iran. I just showed up. You know what? I'm craving some kind of little critters. You were on the same flight as Pokemon. Oh, there was... There was this show called...

It was called The Soccer Players. I was translating it in my mind. I was like, okay, what does this Iranian word mean in English? The soccer players. Iranian's not the language, is it? No, Farsi. Thanks for correcting me. And it was about, it was like an anime show.

About a soccer player. About a soccer player, yeah. So just soccer and school. Yeah. Wow. That's what I remember most yeah like what was the culture shock of I'm sorry if this is like super like oh no Canadian white guy yeah but like what when did you first was my favorite what was the like thing you noticed in school that was like oh

this is way easier like like the first you noticed in school that was like, oh, this is way easier? Like the first day. Yeah, you must have been miles ahead. Or did it click that like, oh, we don't have to behave at all. Or we don't have to always think about soccer. I don't think it was like that. It was more of like, oh, I appreciate that these Canadians give me free time to play. Oh, that's really good.

It sounds really like you're being directed, like, be nice to the Canadian. Make sure you're super appreciative. I was like, wow, this method of teaching is probably way better. Very appreciative. I was like, wow, this method of teaching is probably way better. Well, I wonder, though, because I've heard that Canadian schools are good in the world scene, but we're not on par with some of the Chinese schools in terms of class hours and it just like it's like wow those those kids are like our adults and their adults are like our machines oh and i remember and their machines are like our jesuses jesus pieces

but even the class hours were different They were like from Like very early in the morning To the afternoon Like 12 Oh really? So like you just had the afternoon off Straight to soccer practice? Ha ha ha

Ha ha ha Ha ha ha So what happened? Soccer practices means home, right? Yeah. Do you remember any of the plots from the soccer player? Like, were they all soccer? Or did he have to fight monsters to get to the soccer game?

Ghouls. He had to fight ghouls. Oh, really? Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know why, but something makes sense about that soccer player um are you uh uh you have brothers and sisters i have a younger brother okay yeah and uh is do you always tell him how easy he had it yeah oh no no you never had to watch the soccer play. I should. I got to go, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Is he, are you all, the whole family living together? Yeah. He hasn't gone out on a song with the younger brother. He did get his license faster than me, though. Oh, that must have been such a blow to the ego. Low blow, low blow. Did it take you a couple tries to get the license?

Yeah, it did. Same here. Dave, you were first. First try. I think you were allowed something like 45 demerits. I got seven. Wow. And even that was like, because the guy said, you hesitated a bit.

Oh, by the way, tonight, I almost got hit by a car. What? Yeah. As I was, like, after work, Graham came over and then I went and walked my dog and he went and ate some Mexican food. As I was walking my dog, a woman, uh, I mean, a car.

It was a lady car. I couldn't tell. It had eyelashes on it. An Asian man. I couldn't tell it was a woman at the time. But she, uh, she lady car. It had eyelashes on it. An Asian man. I couldn't tell it was a woman at the time. But she, the car. My mother's a car. Went around a roundabout as I was crossing the street, and I was like, oh, yeah, people slow down in roundabouts. Oh, that one seems to be going faster. Tokyo Drift.

I don't like this. Like I was, I was going to make it, but they were speeding up towards me. And so I had to like, it was embarrassing because like, I really wasn't in danger of being hit, but they didn't see me.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get, did you say, sorry? No, I said nothing,

but they rolled down the window. They, she rolled down the window. They, she, rolled down the window and said, Who is this car? Said honk. Vroom. You know, car things. Glug, glug, glug.

I love to drink gas. I'm a guzzler of gas. What did she say when you rolled down the window? I didn't see you. I'm a guzzler of gas what did she say would you roll down the window i didn't see you i'm a guzzler of gas oh man that's the uh have you been hit by a car grant uh yeah not hard uh i've been backed into several times yeah uh yeah girl yeah and there was a guy, this made me remember this, and I may have talked about it on the podcast at one point, but this was years ago. And I was, similar thing, I was walking across and I felt like the guy didn't see me. And he did not slow down. And so when he drove past and we made eye contact, I gave him the finger. And then he stops his car and gets out.

Which finger? Thumbs up? Yeah. You're number one, I said. Great work. Pinky swear we'll always stay in touch. Look who got engaged. Should have put a ring on it.

These are all the fingers. We've been through them all. He got out and started yelling at me. He's like, I wasn't going to hit you. And I was like, but you didn't make that implicit with your actions. It seemed very much like you were going to hit me. And he was like, but why would you think that? And I was like, because of the speed and the not looking at me and nearly hitting me.

Dude, I just wanted to skim by you. Yeah. I didn't mean to... I'm clearly not in a hurry. That's why I got out of my car to talk about it. I just wanted to back up on that thing.

But it was very like, yeah, you know that you almost hit me, right? And he was like, no, dude, you read the situation all wrong. But it was weird because I was like, no, dude, you read the situation all wrong. But it was weird because I was like, for the rest of the walk home, I'm like, oh, geez, I'm shaking.

I'm going to be like this all night long. And I totally forgot about it until just now. Wow. Yeah. But I felt a little foolish because I had to do a run out of the way. Yeah, like a little mini steps. The shock after is super weird. Yeah.

I got hit by a car riding my bike and this guy was turning right, but he was looking at the direction of the traffic. He wasn't looking at the pedestrians. Shoulder check, buddy. Yeah, dude. Wherever you are, if you listen to this. Oh, yeah, he's a big fan of mine. All of our listeners are listening to this as part of a driving school rehabilitation process.

That's not what I mean. Something you would be sentenced in, like, traffic court. A process. Like a driving school rehabilitation process. A droney. So he, you were here, you were on the kind of the left and he turned into you?

Yeah. You were on the, okay. I slowed down, as you do. Not everybody. Were you wearing a helmet? I don't remember. Well, actually, yeah, you weren't. That's why you don't remember. Well, actually, yeah, you weren't. That's why you don't remember.

But I started to go because he had stopped, but I didn't look at his face to see that he was looking at the traffic. Right. And when I got in the middle of his car, he just, like, it seemed like he hit me on purpose. He was not a follow-through, yeah. This is right. I just remember, This is right. I just remember like getting up quickly and taking my bike out from under his Mercedes

Benz. Oh, of course. And like pretending to ride it. But my bike was like bent in half because I was in shock. I was like, oh, I'm fine. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's good. It's good.

It's good. And I was like biking away. He's like, dude, whoa, I'll take you home. And he paid my dad $500 in cash. Oh, in cash? So this was a drug dealer. My dad kept $300 of it.

For the bike? So you got $200 for the bike? Yeah. Wow. But your dad was like, he offered us $200. But you were physically fine? I was. Your dad is like a pimp. Except pimp. Except pimps take $500 of it. Yeah.

Wow. And just give you a shitty bike. Dude, why don't you buy yourself something nice? Wow. I guess if you... Like, what's the most cash you've had on you? Like, I've had, like... Sometimes I've had, like, a wad of cash that I've if you... What's the most cash you've had on you? I've had... Sometimes I've had a wad of cash

that I've got to race and put this in the bank. Yeah. That someone pays you. When you're scared of it, it seems like you can lose it easier. There's more chances of you losing it. But then you're like, I just got a wad of cash.

A wild of cash. I almost said a wild of cash. That's how rarely you have a wad of cash well like a wild of cash i almost said a wild that's how rarely you have a wad of cash this guy's 500 bucks that probably didn't even clear him out no no way yeah this is the i was like also weary of getting into his car like don't get in a car with a stranger wary weary wary yeah well you could be both like you could be so tired of getting in cars with strangers you You're like, I am weary of this. I was hit by a car. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. Give him a break. English is his second language. But he was like, he was super chill. He was super nice. Yeah. Well, I imagine when you make a lot of money as a drug dealer, you have no reason to be mean to kids that you ran over with your car.

But it's not even, like, if you have that much, like, walking around money for someone who's super rich. Driving around money. I guess so. Isn't, doesn't necessarily mean they're a drug dealer. No, but. You could, the way you and I take $60 out of the cash machine and think we're living large.

Oh, that reminds me, the one cash machine didn't give me my money today. I gotta check with the bank to make sure that it didn't say that it did. My brother's name is Money. That's not true! It's true. Spell it. M-U-N-I. Muni.

But you pronounce it Money? Like former NHL player Craig Muni. That's amazing. I think we were supposed to spell it m-a-n-i like manny yeah but your dad was like love fucked up uh modern family is that the kid's name your dad is like no i like money yeah that's like i named you after my favorite thing 300 wait but that's a that's a um iranian name how many letters are there in this language? You and your brother have the same name, just mixed up.

That's how they came up with it. In the hospital, they were like, Nima, Nima, Nima, Nima, Nima, Nima, Nima. Oh, wow. Really? Whoa! Flip the table. I think your mom was giving birth. Nima, Nima, Nima. Flip the table. I think your mom was giving birth. I have a friend who's Iranian and his name's Pejman.

Pejman? And he told me, you know, my name was almost not Pejman. My parents almost named me Pejvak. Well, we still would have just called you Pej. Yeah. Sounds like a Star Trek character. Yeah, but Pejmon... Pejmon.

You could say, like, I'm the Pejmon. But Pejmon, nobody's going to let you. How's he doing? Is he doing all right? I think so. I think he had a kid. Oh, congratulations. At least one.

Last I heard. You know what? I think it's a good name for a kid. Or maybe he just got married. Money. Oh, good. Yeah, absolutely? I think it's a good name for a kid. Or maybe you just got married. Oh, good. Yeah, absolutely. I'll wire him the money.

Money, money. We did it. So you're doing the improv. You're doing the animation. You're in transit whenever, all the time. Sometimes I dip into that're in transit. Whenever. All the time. Sometimes I dip into that honey in the rat pot. And who have you rat battled as?

I've been... Because I've seen... I just can't remember. Who were you last time? I was... The Ikea Monkey. Oh, yeah. Great. I was the Ikea Monkey versus Oh, yeah. Great. It was The Ikea Monkey versus David Attenborough.

Right. That was good. That was a fun one. What was your first line in that one? Monkey. Short monkey, but my dick tall? Yeah. If you guys don't know, that's a Traplord reference.

I don't, but you know what? I don't need to know. What's the difference between A$AP Ferg and A$AP Rocky? Oh, yes, please. They're in a mob, so they're like... Oh, they're the A$AP gang. They're the A$AP mob, yeah. Oh, now this mob, they launder money, they are racketeering.

They just rap. Oh, that's hardly a mob. But they're not... That's a band. That's what we would call a band. Are they a rap group, or do they just rap as individuals and then they go home to their clubhouse? I think both. Okay.

Yeah. So, like, because some people are rap groups, and exclusively. Yeah, sure. And then some people, they're like... They're like this. They drive a car like this. They're like this. They drive a car like this.

They should just get different celebrities in their mob, like A$AP, Lou Frigg. Nima and I were both at the same rap music concert last night. Chance? The rapper. last night uh chance the rapper now uh this is a weird thing because uh i feel like that you can get away with that in the rap world where you call yourself the rapper but if you were in a rock and roll you couldn't call yourself the rock dave the guitarist yeah it's very much you could call yourself like tyler the creator but you can't just call yourself, like, the drummer. He's breaking the rules.

Absolutely. It's creating its own set of rules. Now, you enjoyed the concert? I did. I did very much. Are you familiar with him as a performing recording artist? Yes. I've been to a few rap concerts. Which ones?

ASAP? I haven't been to any ASAPs. No, yeah, he's not in the mob. I almost went alone to the ASAP Ferg concert. Well, that wouldn't be bad. You said that would be a bad thing. It's Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. I don't know.

Did you join the crew? The ASAP crew? The ASAP gang? The ASAP kids? ASAP, will I yet? ASAP Apple. ASAP Apple? Yeah.

Yeah. A$AP Taboo. Taboo! How taboo? When I go, like, if I know the songs, it's, I don't, like, it's super fun. If I don't really, like, Abby's a fan of this rapper named Chance. be a fan of this rapper named Chance. If you don't know

the songs, it's a lot of like... Because every third or fourth line the audience gets to sing the song. Sing the line. If you don't know it, it just sounds like yelling. Is that why you didn't enjoy it as much? I was in a bad mood.

It's holiday times. I'm really stressed out. Yeah, it's Christmas time in the city, didn't you notice? I also didn't enjoy it because he sang a Coldplay song. A Coldplay song? That came out of nowhere. And like completely, genuinely sang

Fix You, which is a song about the death of Bruce Paltrow. Really? Yeah. Yeah, he sang it in his own way. And it was really bad. And I felt like, oh, am I a bad guy if I just yell, this is fucking terrible?

Well, yeah, you would have been a bad guy if you yelled that. Or do I win the audience over? I don't know that a heckler's ever won the audience over. I think that's a pretty good heckle. Was it bad when he sang this? I mean, getting a he said, he said. I don't know. Like, the song, I don't care for.

But I like the guy. Okay. All right. What was the highlight of the show for you? Oh, the band. Okay, yeah. This guy was rapping with a live band. Yeah, like rappers don't do that anymore. Because he sometimes wasn't.

Like sometimes he would just play with a track and the track would end really early. Oh, yeah. In the beginning, he had like a lot of his tracks just like snippets. He did a verse and it's over. He had snippets of it and it'd just be like cut. Yeah. And then the crowd would go buck wild. Yeah.

After a moment of confusion, like, oh, did the track end on purpose? What was the... It's a social experiment tour. He reminded us of that many times. And he also had, like, he would go offstage, and he would, like, try to rally up an encore. Oh, well, that's classic concert. It would say on the screen, it would be like, do you want to hear another song? Hear one more song.

And then he'd come back and play ten more songs. Do you guys like that? When a band, performer... The phony baloney encore? Yeah. Because people seem to like it. In a crowd situation, people really seem to respond to it. Music, it's like a...

Music makes you lose control. Wait a minute. Sorry, who's this? Yeah. Missy Elliott. Missy Elliott. Can we speak to your famous character, character missy elliot is she here um uh in a music music make you in a music concert it's like you can't not do it yeah but can you maybe not do

it can you just leave like oh they played for two, and then there was no encore. Yeah, just play a set that has a really good ending on it. You know, you play, like, a favorite or a cover or whatever, and then you just say goodnight, and that's it. No opening band ever is like, oh, yeah, well, like, no one ever after the opening band leaves the stage. Because no one's there for the opening band. I know, but what if they were, like, it's... Really good? No, what if it, like,'s really good and not you know what if like it's just so forced the the idea of an encore yeah like the the idea of an opening

band doing it is just i think you're right it's like it's of course i'm right it's pretty forced dave thanks music makes you lose control every time he's gonna add a new element yeah um anyway i know i i don't like the phony encore yeah i i think i liked it it feels like a great uh when i was a kid i liked when hot chip was here they had a they had great encores how how so what made it so great the crowd was really into it but that doesn't mean that the encore was good. Why was the encore good? Oh, like their performance? No, like...

What do you mean? What made it called for? Like if a group finished, say, and they went offstage, and while they were offstage, they were all getting into GWAR costumes, right? And the crowd's like, yay, come back, and they come back, and they're just like squirting blood on each other they do like one of their songs but just dressed like war now we're talking about an encore done well but hot chip didn't do anything like that they just came out and did

their it wasn't standard it wasn't a good encore no no not by my estimation you've opened my eyes yeah yeah like they come out and they do just a blacklight thing where you can only see their faces. Oh man, I'm good at this. Dragon's Den. Yeah, the Dragon's Den. We're selling you the idea of this great new hot chip encore.

Yeah, and if you're super excited and have soiled yourself, boy do I have the adventure for you. Paper underwear. We've got to write these down. We're recording them. This is great. This is all on the record. We are.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Before I went to the rap concert, the day before, I've been going to a lot of culture. Yeah, you've been out on the town. The day before. I went to, I've been going to a lot of culture. Yeah, you've been out on the town. So, for Christmas, Graham and I did a secret Santa exchange. Right.

And his gift to me was two tickets to see something called Popovich Comedy Pet Theater. Okay. Yeah. You're going to learn about Yeah From Dave Yeah Now Apparently this gentleman Popovich

He was a contestant on America's Got Talent Yep Even though not American No Russian? Russian Yeah

Yeah Okay I don't know specifically But He seemed Eastern European And then It became pretty clear he was Russian. And so he's this guy who has dogs and cats and some mice or rats and birds.

I think that's it. No lizards? No lizards. Oh, one snake that he just let in the audience. So he has them on stage? Yeah. And they do... Well, he comes out, and it's a lot of like sort of...

This was at the casino, at the River Rock Casino. And at the planetarium, your local planetarium. And so he comes out on stage and he's like a um what was the first one he was sorry i wrote it down um now these all these animals that he gets they're all from uh they're all rescues yeah they're all rescues and uh the the audience i don't know why i was surprised by this but when we got there the audience was like full of kids and i was like oh why are there so many kids here oh they're they're seeing a guy doing a bunch of tricks with animals so i guess it makes sense kids afford tickets um but like uh you he starts off and there's this big fake building on stage, like fake apartment building.

Oh, boy. And it's on fire. Oh, no! What? It's on fake fire. There's smoke coming out of it and you hear sirens. And then a police or a fire truck comes along. It's all dogs.

Oh, this is awesome. It's all dogs in fireman outfits. This would blow my mind if I was a child. And if you were super baked. And he's driving. There was a human, Popovich, driving this tiny little fire truck with five dogs on it in costumes. And they all have different talents. One's really good at

jumping and so he jumps up and oh there's and then you hear a voice coming through the loudspeaker oh there's someone on the second floor and so uh then a cat comes out of the second floor and they rescue uh them and uh dogs rescuing cats and then sign of the apocalypse a bunch of dogs holding they hold one of those Like a trampoline thing? Yeah, like a parachute thing. Really? And a cat jumps from the very top onto this thing. Wow. And the dog lands on his back. Yeah, it dies.

And they have all the dog costumes have little holes for their tails. For their butts. For their butts and tails. Butt, butt, butt tailor. their tails but but but Taylor but holes but not on their bodies well they do but anyway and so that's the first little sketch oh man what a great opener and then and then you they the next one is the little train comes out. Oh, yeah.

And they're like, oh, the train's leaving. I've got to load up all these animals. And then little dogs come carrying suitcases and cats are walking up. The cats tolerate it. Like, the dogs are, like, doing tricks and stuff. And the cats are like, oh, look how we got a cat to go from here to here. The cats are on their business trips, like, I take this every day. Exactly.

Actually, this was the only one that had non-dog and cat, because this had rats come up in a tiny little compartment. In a rat king? Yeah, they came up with a giant rat king. There was a dog that like, oh, he showed up at the last, oh, I'm late for the train, but he's jumping up, and then they put him in a an outhouse. The dog has to go to the

bathroom is the joke. That's a pretty good joke. And then the next half hour, there's no dogs and cats. What? It's just like clown stuff. Oh, no! It's like everyone's booing. Really? No. I am in my head.

He might as well have sung a 30 minute Coldplay song. No encore, I'm guessing. No. But then he comes back with animals. They do dogs in a classroom.

Hilarious. Oh, and before the show, the night before the show, Abby had said, you were there, and she had said, she was so excited about the show, she had said, I hope there's a dog who's a rascal. And? There were two dogs

who were rascals. One was in the classroom sketch where the teacher leaned over and the dog pushed him. A couple times. And then another one was in the soccer sketch. All the dogs are playing soccer and one of the dogs ripped the referee's pants off. And fucked him. Red card. Yeah, red card.

And then there was a thing in that smelled as butt pants. And then there was like a hospital scene with a bunch of dogs who were in the hospital. Like that movie Hospital for Dogs. Who was George Clooney?

George Clooney was, he was like a really handsome Weimaraner. And of course all the dogs wearing little tiny uh little tiny shorts with uh holes for their butts and it became like the the uh pop of it he's a russian he couldn't say thermometer he kept calling them chermometer are you over here with the chermometer so uh and then there were a couple like he would be talking speaking in broken english a few times throughout the show and then there were a couple like he would be talking speaking in broken english a few times throughout the show and then he he uh said a few things in russian and uh the entire audience responded and we realized we were the only non-russians oh man and then there was one thing the dogs. The dogs and the cats were Russian as well.

Yeah, well, yeah. Like, he would give them commands. Like, oh, he's not saying English things, but of course he's not. Yeah. Wow. And there was one thing with a bunch of cats, like, on really high stools. And you could tell it was just like, this is not fun for anyone. Like, you're going to see a cat land

because a cat's good at landing. A couple of the cats were fighting. One kept wandering off. Just keep thinking just a couple of cats. Just a couple of people. Yeah. A couple of cool cats. It must be a nightmare to travel with these

animals. Well, when I bought the tickets. Or a dream. It's true. Yeah, they drive the bus. They take ships driving the bus. All the fun of traveling. I watched an interview with him where they showed clips from his show.

Because I wasn't sure what I was buying tickets to. He said that he has a specially designed bus for them it's all like uh temperature controlled and like they areas for all of them to stay and stuff so he like uh it's not just like him loading them into right i thought it was like a like customized plane no. No, yeah, it's all bus. He's got this fancy bus. And he, in the interview, too, he made a dog stand on his hand. Yeah. Oh, that dog was great.

Yeah, like the dogs were totally doing things that dogs don't necessarily do, like walking on their hind legs, standing on their front legs. That's the best. And then the cats were not. The cats were, like, disdainful. Yeah, well, cats just don't bring them to the show. Yeah, they don't want to be in show business.

Keep them stranded. They should be working the lights. Yeah. Dressed all in black. Stage manager. I'm going to need you on the six mark. That would be so great if dressed all in black wearing little fanny packs stage manager I'm gonna need you on the six mark that would be so great

if at the beginning of the show he's like not only are the performers on stage animals but so is the stage crew and everything goes black oh I think the cat

the cats are like scratching on stuff and you realize they're scratching on ropes to raise the curtains they're like ushering people in yeah yeah they're scratching on ropes to raise the curtains. They're, like, ushering people in. Yeah, yeah. They're working the pots on the stove.

She's just bringing the snack bar. Get your popcorn. Get your popcorn. Well, great. So thank you, Graham. It was great. Oh, well, I'm glad. Sounds great.

What a great opening gambit with the fire. What was the closing number? A woman from the audience came out and spoke russian i think the russian community center must have had like something to do with it yeah they're really tied into the yeah popovich they're all together on it the closer it was weird because it was like there was too much sort of human stuff Like it wasn't just him There were three other circus performers with him And they would do like Look at my hula hoop stuff

No be a dog I wish I wish they had Sang a cult play song Yeah Oh you wish one of the dogs. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Is that about Bruce Paltrow? Yeah. It's about Blythe Danner. Graham, what's up with you? Nothing as good as either of your guys' things. He took a C bus. That's true.

He was a trans a lot uh mine's transit related and it's i don't want it to be uh overly graphic uh gross yeah but it was gross is what happened was i was waiting at the bus stop so graphic there was a late for it yeah you'll see this lady this lady was crossing the street and and it was like the Taylor Swift song. I was like, I knew she was trouble when she walked in. Which song? I feel like I'm 22. Love it.

When she crossed the street, I was like, I think I said something in my head very mean. Like, you know, look at this garbage sandwich. Something like that. I said something in my head like very mean, like, you know, ah, look at this, you know, garbage sandwich or something like that. I said something like. Ain't nobody got time for that. Yeah, yeah. I was very, I was very like, you know, yeah, this is a hot ass mess or something. You're very catty in the bus community. And so she, I was, it was raining and i was standing under the the bus shelter

and uh she sat right next to me and started smoking which i think is on the bus no this is in the bus shelter this is all outside i was like what and so i was like ah so i had to like leave the bus shelter because it was the wind was blowing the smoke right on me and giving you cravings yeah well it was just a well no she did exactly the opposite of what Dave Chappelle, what Dave Chappelle did for my pro smoking mojo. This lady could have undone in a second. She was just so, looked so horrible and smelled so bad. And anyways, a crowd started to gather because the bus was not coming and not coming.

And then she started, she had her hand in her pants. No. Yeah. Stop it. You stop this story right now. No, I wish. Yeah. and then she started she had her hand in her pants no damn stop it you stop this story right now did she have the cigarette in her hand no not in the hand that was in her pants ok that's what I'm saying

no she was doing things and not hiding it at all oh boy so she's feeling really good though wait wait wait wait like she's taking her time enjoying herself yeah

yeah making noises yeah and her like she's like jutting her leg out smoking yeah jutting her leg out like a dog being scratched so terrible it was so terrible and It was so terrible. And then I wrote to my... Why is that terrible, Graham?

Do you find a woman's sexuality... I find it very uncomfortable. In bus shelter form. So then I texted my friend and I was like... I said, oh, guess what's happening? And they guessed it. Yeah. And so then I tried to take a photo.

Why? Well, because I wanted to show my friend. Wait, like, were you, like, did you try to take a photo discreetly or? Yeah. No, I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it, like, artfully. Well, like, why? She wouldn't care.

Well, that's exactly it. And then, but the flash was on and it went like... Graham, you turned the flash off. I know, but I didn't know it was on. So she knew and I had to pretend like it wasn't me who took the photo. Now it's me hiding my shame and not her. Did you look around like there was a lightning strike? No, I turned right around and I was like, oh, it could have been anybody.

I just started masturbating. No, I turned right around and I was like, could have been anybody. I just started masturbating. Anyways, the picture didn't even turn. I was all blurry. Next time, you gotta... Oh, there won't be a next time. But if there is,

you gotta pretend you're talking on the phone and then take a picture. Oh, that's not bad. That's some good millennial lessons. Yeah, that's true. And you just press the button. Okay, yeah, I get that. Okay.

Okay. Wow. Yeah. Because when I'm at a bus stop and I'm waiting a long time and people start showing up, that's the worst thing that possibly can happen because I was the first person at this bus stop and now no one's going to uh uh you know uh georgia rule but but you just discovered the worst and even worse thing that could happen oh yeah and that's never like if if i had to put good money on a bet of which sexuality or which sex would be jerking off at a bus stop.

Yeah. It would have been guy. Like, it was all smart money. It was a real dark horse bet that it would have been a woman. How sure were you she was a woman? Oh, well, pretty sure. Yeah. She's got a really good woman, Dar.

Have you ever seen a man at a bus stop? No, not doing that. You've got to keep warm somehow. Yeah, that's true. This time of year. I don't know. No, I guess I've been lucky. I mean, I've definitely seen guys on a Greyhound bus that thinks that we don't know what he's doing under his jacket but

we all know jacking it yeah but this woman was completely indiscreet burning her bra yeah yeah she and uh oh boy oh boy anyways uh yeah and we got off at the same stop which was did she continue the they call her the diddler the lewd act did she continue it on the bus no no she she flashed her like bus pass while doing it no i think she yeah i think she completed her mission and uh, I know. So that was me trying to tell a story without being graphic or gross. But you couldn't help it because... Because it's gross.

It was someone smoking in public, which is disgusting. Yeah, exactly. It's a health concern and a smell concern. If movies have taught me anything, shouldn't you have smoked afterwards? Yeah, and also, do opposites attract? Because I don't do that in public, and she does.

So maybe I missed out on my kind of, you know... You were taking a picture. Yeah, well, I'll show you. It's not a very good picture. You can't see anything, but... Well, you can see that her hand is in her pants. Is she wearing sweatpants? Tights rebox with the strap those apple bottom jeans oh lordy yeah uh oh tights okay yeah so that's a weird thing that women wear in winter that

doesn't seem like it would be warm but it is apparently yeah yeah yeah like i imagine they'd be warm underneath your pants but on their own i don't there's a lot of uh things in the the winter in the women's sphere yeah in the women's sphere especially in the winter women clothing uh vancouver specific there's a lot of very comfortable women in the city dressing in the most comfortable way and I think it's gone too far this woman was far too comfortable yeah exactly she's completely it's just everywhere is her living room couch she doesn't have a living room couch come on somebody like that or maybe she's just a really busy business professional that doesn't have

time tights keep you warm, comfy, and sexy. It's not like Nima's guy who was jacking it in his car and accidentally ran him over. That's why he had to pay out his bill. What do you think those $500 were for? Yeah, exactly. He was wearing a mayor's sash. Oh, boy. Well, let's move on to uh overheards breaking news january is one of the biggest months ever for the maximum fun.org network

we're launching four new shows yes four four new shows so much stuff to listen to the first new max fun show is oh no ross and carrie they join fringe religious groups undergo alternative medicine treatments and investigate the paranormal all so you don't have to your new late night best friends are jasper red and kimberly clark and their new max fun show is called the goose down not to be missed. Also coming to MaxFun in January, Song Exploder. It's a podcast that talks to musicians about their songs and deconstructs how they were put together. And our fourth new show is Lady to Lady, a weekly talk show with Tess Barker, Brandy Posey, and Barbara Gray. It's like The View, if The View was a good thing.

was a good thing. And one final announcement. Dave Holmes, the great Dave Holmes from television, is joining the network as the new host of our funny-as-heck international quiz show, International Waters. It's going to be a great year for Maximum Fun. You can check out all our new shows at MaximumFun.org

or wherever you find your podcasts. Justin, what are you doing? I'm strapping a chicken to my arm. Heard there's some plague out west, so I just wanted to get out ahead of it. Justin, if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast, Sawbones, where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting, you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work. Sawbones? I haven't caught it. Sawbones?

Yes, it's every Friday on the Maximum Fun Network and we record it together. In a doctor or something? Yes! Overheard! Overheard! Now before we move on to overheards,

I have more questions about this lady. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Now, before we move on to overheards, I have more questions about this lady. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Okay, you showed me the picture while we were in the break. Uh-huh. You didn't mention that she... It's not a great photo. I didn't see it. But, like, she had her cigarette in one hand.

Yeah. She had burn holes in her hoodie. Uh-huh. Her mama think she stank. Yep. Yep. She missed them cocoa butter kisses. I don't know what you guys

are talking about. Popular rapper, Chance the Rapper. Oh, Chance the Rapper. I got you. You showed me a picture and she it was very blurry, but the great flash went off. You could tell the flash

was working. She was a little bit discreet. Like, she had her cigarette hand over the other hand, and then if you weren't a pervert, you know, staring at her, you couldn't tell. No, no, no, Dave. That's not true at all. She had one hand over the hand who was doing the devil's handshake. Sure. The hand that feeds.

Yeah. The hand that rocks the cradle. But, well, at first she was discreet when her leg kicked out like a dog she was more like the screech so yeah no but you saw

the photo it's not great I'll show it to you you can't really tell it's quite blurry but you could see where I was going and how long between the um the uh really big shoe yeah and the bus's arrival uh like two or three two or three minutes and what happened in that time uh they texted and uh but like people told them what was up did she oh she had another cigarette.

Okay, she didn't acknowledge everyone. Cigarettes on cigarettes. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. She didn't be like, oh, sorry, everyone, I was masturbating. I didn't see you there. No, she didn't. She was very much in her own special place. How old was this woman?

much in her own special place and then how old was this woman uh probably like uh like a real rough 45 okay real tight 45 she knows what she wants no no opposite of a tight 45 loose 45 loose draggly you see 45 loosey goosey 45 was uh was this like an everyday occurrence for her, do you think? Yeah, absolutely. This is part of her new regime. Chronic? She's getting a jump on her New Year's resolution. 6 p.m. schedule. Now, Nima, you said that something once happened to you at a hotel.

This happened off the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were starting to tell a story, and we were like, hey, why don't you tell this happened off the air yeah yeah and you were started to tell the story and we were like hey why don't you tell this on me save it you were like save it yeah we said shut it shut it up yeah now we're saying turn it off yeah i was uh on the high school improv tournament called uh it's called you don't have to name it. Okay. Yeah, you were on a high school improv team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you went to the national championships. Yes, I did. Which is great because you get like... Oh, it's tons of fun.

The dream thing to do as a teenager is to have, you know, 10 of your friends in a hotel. Yeah, you get loosey-goosey with your friends. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, well, we were in the hotel one time. One time. Yeah. One time. Two times.

Three times. Four times. What's happening? Is this Missy Elliot? And some, like, a chaperone was like, told the coach, make sure the kids don't look outside. And of course, like, when our coach walked in, was like the kids don't look outside. And of course, when our coach walked in, was like, everybody look the fuck outside. And we all looked out,

and across from our hotel, in the linear balcony, there was a dude, totally naked, jerking off his big ol' wang. Maybe you should have saved it for up the air. Dave, you pushed him. Yeah, I guess so. What month was this?

April? I was hoping it was two elephants having sex. It was an auto. It was super cold. It was cold? Oh, he was outside? Yeah. He was on his balcony.

He was on the linear balcony. I think the linear part threw me off. So he was outside. Woof. No. No dice. Doing it linear style. Did he see you guys?

And give you the like... Welcome to the show! Oh! Is that Kiss? Kiss the rockers. the like I think he knew welcome to the show is that kiss yeah kiss the rockers kiss the rockers yeah kiss the rockers

is that from Psycho Circus you bet it is you're in the zone I don't think the dude acknowledged us but he knew

we were looking yeah he knew it yeah looking. Yeah, that's his thing. He knew it. Yeah, absolutely. I support all public... Disgusting thing. I know you do.

Disgustories. Now, overheards, a segment we do each and every... What? Do you need any interruptions? No, no, I'm good. We like to start with the guest. You've heard the show before. You know how this rolls. Yeah. If you would... I'm an animator. No, no. I'm good. We like to start with the guest. You've heard the show before. You know how this rolls.

Yeah. If you would. I'm an animator. Yeah, you're an animator. I bet a lot of animators listen to this show. Sure. Oh, absolutely. A lot of solitary work in the animation field, right?

The entire country of South Korea listens. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. North Korea as well. We're allowed in there. We're the official podcast of North Korea. You're the, what's the basketball player's name? Oh, Michael Jordan. Dennis Rodman.

You're the Dennis Rodman of podcasts. Oh, I thought you were just saying the name of a basketball player. You came pretty close. Yeah. Did you ever see that news radio where there were, like, Knicks tickets up for grabs? And Joe got to decide who got to go. And Catherine and Beth. This is becoming a real anecdote.

He was asking them basketball questions. And Catherine got all the really hard questions. And Beth got super easy questions like, name a basketball player. And her answer was, Rodman? Stewart? Please, I'm telling a news radio man. And then, oh, she had to name two players. And the other one was, was there a guy who spat on a guy? And he said, can you be more specific?

And she said, was it a loogie? Pretty good. Thank you. Good writing, news writer. Good performance by Dave. Check it out. Neema, hit us with an overheard. Okay. This is a story I've I think told my friends before. But we are not your friends. You are now my

friend, so you get to hear it. Oh, yeah. I take the transit a lot. I've heard the overheards i hear probably from the transit mine too yeah yeah it's the best um i was riding the sky train which is like a c bus in the sky yeah on some tracks yeah that's right uh and uh it was like late at night and we were we stopped uh one stop before the stop we were getting off and we as like me and my friend all right and uh with benefits yeah no transit benefit transit benefits uh and this this like i i presume to be a homeless guy. The doors open, and he starts to walk off, but stops midway and turns and faces the doors. And the doors go, and they close on his face.

And then they open again, and they go, and they close, like, on his face. And some businessman in the back goes like, Hey, some people are trying to get to work over here. And then the guy says the best thing, the best line. He goes, I am at work. is the best thing, the best line. He goes, I am at work.

Yeah, having my face stuck in a door is my business. And business is good. Monday mornings. Yeah. Oh boy, do I hate the rush. Yeah, cold calls. Working nine to five.

Wow. Wow. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, you know, it is. How much longer did he keep doing that? Until the, you know, because. Until he had to punch out. Until his work shift was over.

Exactly. Work is work. Union break. He got like a 30-minute break. Yeah. You had some food. And it's back to slamming your face. Subway.

Subway on the Skytrain. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, good benefits package. A lot of coverage for face injuries. That's where you're going to spend a lot of your medical coverage. Oh, yeah, I'm at work. Oh, wow.

Well, I want to see that guy's business card. Ain't no door too big. Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine is from a restaurant that I went to for lunch yesterday called The Noodle Box. Ooh. Now, The Noodle Box,

a Vancouver chain, Victoria as well, I believe, where they serve noodles. Okay. I think I'm getting it. They serve them by the oodle. Oh, I thought they would come by the box. Oh.

North Korea as well? Yeah, Vancouver, Victoria, and North Korea. The big three. The lower mainland. The Bermuda Triangle. Yep. And you just walk up to the counter. There's a big menu above the cashier's head, and you pick the thing you want.

Yep. And this woman, I was picking up my order that I had already ordered, and I was about to walk out. woman i was i was picking up my order that i had already ordered and i was about to walk out and a woman walked in and looked at the menu and uh said to the guy uh now what are ribbon noodles and the the cashier guy was kind of playful kind of condescending and he said uh they're noodles shaped like ribbons and then she was like but seriously what are they made of and he said oh no they're made of wheat uh we also have uh rice noodles they're also shaped like ribbons so uh not so condescending yeah when all of your noodles are shaped like ribbons. Yeah.

I mean, in real terms, you could just say they're shaped like noodles, right? Because a lot of noodles and ribbon, there's a lot of overlap in that world. I mean, like... What is a linguine but a tasty ribbon? I guess a fettuccine is more ribbon-like. That's right, yeah. They're shaped like zippers. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, they're shaped like zippers. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a zipper plastic.

You know what? Lasagna is like the ribboniest. Yeah. For like a big, thick ribbon that you would want wrapped around your present. Yeah. But you wouldn't want to eat it. Or around my head. You wouldn't want to eat it as noodles.

Can I get a bowl of lasagna? Oh, why isn't there a restaurant where. Can I get a bowl of lasagna? Oh, why isn't there a restaurant where I can just get a bowl of lasagna? Like, instead of a square, like, you just get a big bowl of lasagna. Dragon's done? Yeah. Here's an idea I had today. Chef Boyardee. Yep.

The animated series. Oh, yes. Yeah, what do you think? You follow him around as he makes tiny linguine i think i could do it yeah yeah yeah you're the animated series king yeah what is his catchphrase yeah yeah but he says it when he's scared yeah i think i'm gonna change my twitter name to nema the animator oh why wouldn't you? Like Tyler the Animator. Yeah.

Like Tyler the Creator. No, no. He's talking about a different guy. Like Chance the Animator. What, you now? Yeah, me now. Was that your brother's name? Me now?

It's money, money, money. Oh, my bad. It's my bad? No. Stop it. His name is Stop It. There's a real Abbott and Costello. Go to Iran.

And meet Frankenstein. It was last night on a commercial drive, and there was a guy, little boy. I can't even imagine where this conversation started or how it possibly would have ended, but I only caught the glimpse of in the middle of this guy explaining some kind of thing. He was on his phone, and he was saying, no, you don't understand. There's only one of you. There's only ever been one of you. Scientifically speaking, there will never be another one of you there's only ever been one of you scientifically speaking there

will never be another one of you and i was like oh boy is this him breaking up with somebody like and i never want to be with anybody yeah like you if there was another one of you i'd break up with her too but you could just tell that it was like, this was not the end of this explanation. It was not the beginning. I think he's wrong about that, though. Yeah, well, I guess DNA coding-wise, there's nobody that's exactly right. But aren't there parallel dimensions? Oh, absolutely.

String theory. Yeah, and there's also doppelgangers and twins and clones. That old-timey Nicolas Cage-looking guy. Yep. That happened on Commercial Drive. Is your Monday show every Monday still? It is, yeah. So in the new year, listeners in Vancouver, every Monday at the Havana on Commercial Drive, go see the Laugh Gallery.

Yeah. I don't think we're doing a good enough job of plugging this. Well, we're doing it now. That's our New Year's resolution. We're going to hit it. For real, do you guys have New Year's resolutions? I should lose some weight. Oh, I had one.

But I forgot. Okay. Well, Dave, you? You know what? I guess my goal is to sort of just be more evil. Yep. Yeah. Understood.

Like, take more, give less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dominate. Yeah. Crush. Yeah, yeah. Destroy. Crush. That is the theme forate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crush.

That is the theme for 2013. 14. Darn it. Too late. You already pledged to the wrong year. Do you guys find that you write the wrong date on your check? Yeah, absolutely. For the first six months of your resolution?

Yeah, which is write more checks. Ruin more checks. Now, we also have overheards that have been sent in to us From people around the world You had a funny joke the other day about Since we're in Canada And we have loonies and toonies We have coins for one dollar bills Instead of one dollar bills

Just going to a strip club With a stack of $1 checks written out to cash. Pretty good. Oh yeah, and the checks would all be made out to stripper. And they would all bounce.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, just like, well Just like some ass. They bounce, these will Just like, well. Just like some ass. Yeah. They bounced. These will bounce. Classy. If you want to write in an overheard to us, you can. This is a pretty male-centric episode. Yeah.

We bro down. Yeah. Send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one is an oversmelled, which is, I'm like, this is pushing the limits. But you know what? it's bro fest absolutely and uh this has it has a sizable payoff so uh it says last week this from steve in denver colorado last weekend at my serving job i was bringing a tray of drinks out to some guests when i walked by a stout buff guy who smelled very strongly of pot almost like he had sprayed axe all over himself

if axe had a series of stoner scents so he just smelled like pot yeah um our restaurant had been presenting some celebrity appearances so i assumed he was one of them though i didn't recognize him the man looked at me and in a low grumbly voice voice said, I don't know how you do it, man. I don't know how you do it. Most likely referring to me carrying the full tray of drinks. Still not realizing who he was, I smiled politely and said, me neither. Later on, I found out that the stout man who smelled like a giant bushel of weed was none other than... Can I guess? Guy Fieri? No, not Guy Fieriieri but a totally reasonable guess

yeah Lou Ferrigno you were close from the A$AP Rocky A$AP Ferrigno A$AP Frigg it was Frigg

Rowdy Roddy Piper oh yeah good for him yeah good for him that he's still muscly like

yeah good for him for smelling like Mary J. Blige that is not a no more drama um sorry uh i wonder yeah i mean i always kind of admire uh you know big drug people like big drug users people who are able to be on drugs all the time? Yeah. But, like, I admire that. I wouldn't want that for myself. No, but, you know, I think it's cool that Rowdy Piper's still out there doing it.

You know? So that we don't have to. He's out there being rowdy. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's being irie. Irie. Irie Rowdy Piper. Follow-up question.

Have you ever worn Axe body spray, either of you? No. What are you guys afraid of, women? I'd be very allergic to it. I've worn the Adidas body spray. Ew, gross. Like, you smell like a shoe? Brand new shoes, that's a good smell.

Yeah, I guess. But what did that smell like? Adidas body spray. Probably like Axe. Or like Ass. It should be called Ass Body Spray. Am I right? You're not wrong.

Adidas. All day I dream about spray. Yeah, me neither. I've never sprayed anything on my body other than like bug bug bugs it's a big bottle of bugs I I don't because I'm allergic to it I would break a rash or what it really strong perfume or cologne like the axe or you know an old spice or that kind of shit do people wear it instead of deodorant no i think they wear it do they oh no they do wear it yeah

it is deodorant is it deodorant yeah it's a spray but it's but they they spray it all over their person yeah and it's very it is like the epitome of just a dab will do i imagine because i've only ever used like the rub on this is super bro we were talking about axe bodies yeah yeah yeah well it was gonna come to this eventually and uh like you would never make that mistake with a deodorant that's just a stick you'd never like rub it all over your chest like it fits into your armpit perfect oh absolutely but it also uh could fit in your butt so you don't put it there anyways uh this uh next overheard comes from tyler uh-huh yep in springfield missouri and uh this is over where he's from he's a simpsons character yeah yeah yeah he's uh best episode ever um this is from uh an office

this is two women talking to each other woman one saying uh i'm going to dog this. Woman two, ew, why did you say dog? Woman one, surely you know what that means. Woman two, no. Woman one, it's when you're really hungry, like you haven't had food in a while, you say, I'm going to dog this food. It's a sentence. Wow. It's a sentence, not even it's a saying. It is a subject, an object. I'm going saying. It is. A subject? An object?

I'm going to dog this food. A verb? Yeah. I'm so hungry, I'm going to really dog some food. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm going to start using that. Yeah.

Well, it totally makes sense. What would a dog do to food? Just fucking destroy it. I do like the idea that you could be talked into believing something's a saying. It's a sentence. I'm gonna dog the Hunger Games. You gonna eat it? Yeah, it's eating. We've established what the slang is.

Don't try and change it. Are you eating a DVD or a book? Eating with my eyes? First you eat with your eyes, then you eat with your mouth. Then you eat. This final one comes from Sarah in Hamilton, Ontario. And this came with an actual scan of the note that she found.

So it's true. It's a real. Legit. Unless she's a forger like Frank Abagnale. Yep. She could be. But in which case, she's gone to the work to do that. And I think it's great.

We salute you, forgers of the world. This overheard is more of an overread. When I was in high school, I found a folded up piece of Hilroy notepaper on the floor under a desk. You got microperf? What's that? Is that the easy tear? Little perforations? Yeah.

I don't think it is. I think it's from a three ring binder style. Oh, okay. Being curious, I picked it up and found it was a handwritten note. I thought it was so precious that I have kept it for over 13 years. I scanned it and attached it here, but I don't know what your practice is with opening attachments, so I'll write it for over 13 years. I scanned it and attached it here, but I don't know what your practice is with opening attachments, so I'll write it out for you.

Bless you. What is our practice? I don't know that I have one specifically. We never wrote that into our constitution. That's true. The framers never imagined. Yeah, well, that's... PDFs. It's breaking some rules framers never imagined. Yeah, well, that's... PDFs.

It's pricking some rules. So this is the note. All written. This is... I don't... I guess a teenage or a young preteen boy had written this. I'm going to go with preteen. Prete?

A prete? And this is sent to somebody that maybe threw it out or maybe it was written to himself. I'm not sure. Wait, is it preteen or a tween? I think, oh. Could this be a tween? It could be a tween. Okay.

We're talking tweens. All right. Guess what? What? On Saturday night, I watched the Ghostbusters cartoon. It was about the boogeyman. They broke into his realm and got trapped there. Fortunately, Bobby and Caitlin found a

portal for them to get out. They met the boogeyman in their own world, and brother, he was big. Their vertical beams had no effect on him. Finally, Egon had the great idea to push him back into his realm

and close the portal, shutting him out forever. Well done, Ghostbusters. Thanks, Egon. idea to push him back into his realm and close the portal shutting him out forever well done ghostbusters thanks egon so these are the real ghostbusters yeah oh i should have said yeah but do you think he was writing that to somebody or is that a journal entry that fell out of his if he was there would be a ps yeah ps ghostbusters well itusters rules. Well, it started with guess what. Yeah, it wasn't dear, guess what? You can't write that in your journal, can you? Guess what, diary?

Fine. Fine, I'll tell you. Guess what, Nima? Keep guessing. Guess what, money? Yeah, well, do you keep a journal when you were a youth? No. I sketch.

So I keep like a sketch pad. Oh. And then you look at them and you go, I remember that guy. Yeah. I remember that guy jerking off his meat on his patio. Bus dudes. Bus lads. You're from the 90s.

You're what Iconopop would call a 90s chick. I am a 90s chick. I am a 90s chick. Did you, in your generation, was note passing happening or was everyone texting and, you know, Skyping? Yeah, Skyping. Probably texting. Yeah? Yeah. Did you ever pass notes?

I don't remember. No. So no. Yeah, probably not. Because I wanted to know the punishment for note passing in Canada versus Iran. Oh, one of them you have to know you can miss soccer for a week. No, you can't watch any episodes of Soccer Man. Soccer had nothing to do with school, guys.

I know. It was the recreation. It was all outside. Yeah. But that was the punishment. Take away your soccer. Oh, punishment. Take away your soccer. Oh, yeah. You get to take away a soccer.

Teach a man to soccer. He'll soccer for a lifetime. And additional words that are written in you also get the phone calls. This week, we have three phone calls. If you want to be one of next week's phone calls, 206-9-8328 yeah hello dave graham guest it's andy calling from twinsburg ohio with an overheard i was just in target uh doing some christmas shopping there's a mother pushing a cart with a kid probably age 10 and a kid age six and as she walked by she was on the phone and I heard her say,

they have bride underwear. It has a veil over the crotch. It's awesome. I don't know why I think that's so funny. The bride underwear, it's like, because the guy has to lift the veil. Yeah. Her father has to give it away.

All your friends are there. The episode's coming all the way around. Yeah. This is still pretty bro-y. Oh, man. Yeah, no, it's like, I don't know. If you're wearing special underwear for your wedding day. Yeah.

You probably wouldn't buy it at Target. Unless it has a veil over the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's something classy, then you would. I don't know what happens on the wedding night. I mean, hopefully one day I'll find out by watching a couple that just got married. Graham, do you think you'll ever get married? Well, I mean, you know,

not in the running. Not in the near future. Well, yeah, I don't even, I'm not even dating anybody, so it's very hard to imagine a date. Well, you know, a forced and arranged marriage, sure. You know, or one of those rescue type dealies.

Like, I'm going to get deported. You know, one of those kind of things. From where? From Canada, I guess. I don't think that's legal. What, to be deported? Oh, to have a marriage? No, no, I don't think you can. Can you be, like, Canadian and be deported? No, no, no. Not me,

the person. Oh, I see. Oh, okay, that's what I was going to do. No, no, I won't get deported. Are you a citizen? Yes. So we won't have to get married see. Oh, okay. That's what I was going to do. No, no. I won't get divorced. Are you a citizen? Yes. So we won't have to get married ever. You're fine. Can you... What about your brother? What about money? Totally fine. Oh, he's fine. He's fine.

Can that ever be taken away from someone who becomes a citizen? I don't know. I hope not. No, you're a citizen. It's like when you join the Jets. All the way. Yeah. It's a when you join the Jets All the way It's a lifetime It's a lifetime contract Yeah exactly you sign it in blood

You do the oath And then they lift your crotch veil They check everything make sure everything's alright And they braille you What does that mean? Braille or veil Vicky Braille They braille you.

I was like, oh, is that a thing the kids are doing? Where they put bumps under their skin? And then they learn braille? Yeah. Like, you can put bumps... I got bumps on my skin now. I couldn't decipher that. Yeah, that's not for you to decipher.

That's braille for nipple. We're not really brailling out. All right, you guys. This is your final overheard. Oh, wait.iling out. All right, you guys. This is your final overheard. Oh, wait. No, it's just the second one.

Hi, Dave and Graham and probable guest. This is Nate from Portland, Maine calling in with an overheard. I'm at a grocery store and I just overheard what were three

college roommates and the girl said, I don't even know why we're having a party. We'll all just be dead soon. Yeah. Well, that's why you have a...

That's a funeral. It's your last party. Yeah. And you get to be the center of attention. I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral. I don't understand. Like, someone else's funeral or someone that you know? Well, mostly Barenaked Ladies.

Members of the Barenaked Ladies, their funeral. Ooh, I'm going to laugh at all their funerals. Barenaked the Ladies. Somebody last night... Like Chance the Ladies. Somebody last night was saying that they thought that the Barenaked Ladies don't have any money. And I was like, but they had a couple number one hits, right? One number one hit.

They probably got $500 in their pockets. Yeah, I think they're all rich. Yeah, one of them, Ed, from the TV show Ed's Up. Yeah. It's a TV show where he flies his own plane. Yeah, so he's rich. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I was saying. This person was out to lunch. I was like, come on, man. Very good ladies have money. Yeah. Even Stephen Page, who left the band to host a TV show about... Illegal eateries? Illegal restaurants.

What does that mean, an illegal restaurant? Isn't that just a person's house? Isn't that what we all are running every night? Yes, aren't we? Aren't we all... Are we outside or are they outside? I don't know. I've never watched that show.

No, I don't even know what it is. It's a natty dresser, though. What does that mean? He dresses Natalie. Have you ever been to an illegal restaurant? Maybe. It's just basically they're restaurants that don't have permits. It's like temporary restaurants.

But would you know that they don't have permits? Yeah, I could have been eating in illegal restaurants all year year no no they're sort of like underground they don't advertise it's like one night only this place is a restaurant oh no then i have not i was talking to my friend who went to one of those uh in the dark uh-huh the whole things in the dark where were aha when the lights went out uh i don't know but you could hear them. It's completely pitch black. Pitch black. Start to finish. You even have to go and you go to pay your bill.

You're in the dark. Everything's in the dark. I might have tipped 1%. The debit machines don't light up. Yes. debit machines don't light up? Yes, that is the one. There's an area that's separate where you do the transaction. Everything else is in the dark.

There's a light corner? Yeah, on your way out. There's a light corner for lovers. So it's like... I've heard of these. In some of these restaurants, the servers are blind. At the one in of these restaurants, the servers are blind. At the one in Vancouver, apparently, the servers are blind.

Wow. Because they don't need no light. And also, you don't know, the meal is like, it's one dish that night. Right. So you don't know what you're getting. Right. So there's no menu. No.

You also don't know what you're getting anyway. Yeah So there's no menu. No. You also don't know what you're getting anyway. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You take their word for it. So you get a thing and then you just eat it. And then Hannibal Lecter sneaks up behind you. I mean, it's like... It could be anything.

Yeah, oh, it could be anything. It's like dinner at home. It's like any dinner where someone else is cooking. Like, at someone's house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot of suspense. It's like dinner at home. It's like any dinner where someone else is cooking. It's someone's house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot of suspense. You don't go to your friend's house for dinner and order food.

But it'd be very easy to fake that you ate, because you could just scrape all the food onto the floor. Oh, yeah. Yummy. It was delicious. Put it down your shirt. No, the servers have... Nom, nom, nom.

They've got uh like a heightened uh smell scent yeah that's oh that's true they send in over smells the cleanup must be ridiculous oh they never clean it that's that's what i said is i was like how do you know that this place isn't fucking filthy yeah like insects they can they come out at night do you think the cleaning staff doesn't turn the lights on? No, I wouldn't. But why would you clean a place that nobody is ever going to see? Because you might sit and pudding. It's the theory I use on my bedroom.

Why clean a place nobody's ever going to see? We're opposite of sex. Here is your final overheard of 2014. Hi, Dave and Graham and wonderful guests. This is Elizabeth in Portland, Oregon. I'm calling with an overheard. I work at a cat shelter. And the other day I was sitting in my office and I heard from the office next door with no context.

Just someone loudly exclaimed, are we having this diarrhea protocol meeting or what yes we are yeah on the double oh man yeah what is the protocol say it don't spray it clench your butt clench your butt oh man yep pretty good well we nailed it wax on wax okay so brings us to the end of the show here uh pretty successful yeah great work everybody um nima if we choose to release this episode where can people find out more about you? Where can they find you online? Where can they see you doing your improv thing?

Every Sunday night, Instant Theater. That's in Havana? Yeah, at the Havana. They have a show. What time? Usually at 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock? Okay.

8 p.m. That's 1212 commercial drive yes it is and you can check out instanttheater.com for more info okay and I'm on Twitter you are on Twitter

where are you on Twitter? I think here we go at nimagolamipur and maybe just spell out that last name you know what? listener, go look at the episode name. Oh, yeah.

It's written there on your device. Yeah, you do the work. And you'll update kind of where you're going to be. G-H-O-L-I-L-A-M-I-P-O-U-R. Ding, ding, ding. Nice. Well done. Well done. Thank you very much for being our guest. Oh, thanks so much for-R. Ding, ding, ding. Nice. Well done. Well done.

Thank you very much for being our guest. Thanks so much for having me. Oh, it was fun. Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy. Lemon the squeezy. This guy loves it. Yeah.

One guy does. If you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at maximumfun.org or 206-339-8328. If you like the show uh happy new year yeah oh happy new year absolutely year of the it's still it's still just canadian new year oh yeah but what what year are we working in i don't know until i get the release yeah press release no fair enough um if you yeah leave a review on itunes head over to MaximumFun.org, check out our brother and sister podcasts. So many now. There's just every type of flavor you would need to kind of satisfy.

They got something. They got funny. They got dramatic. They got ones about a doctor, ones about mothers. All the broad range. They don't have a kid podcast yet, but they might. My new nickname this year is Kid Podcast.

DJ Kid Podcast. Kid Podcast. Exclusive. If you like the show, tell your friends, and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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