Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 304 - Jeff McEnery

Episode Date: January 14, 2014

Jeff McEnery returns to talk prison acting, Switzerland, and bowling.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 304 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. The second one in the new year, but we're like in real time we're in the new year. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a New Year's baby, Mr. Dave Shumka. Again, I was born January 1st, 2014.

Goo goo ga ga. I'd like to say, I'd like to give a shout out to the old man who died at the end of last year. We all murdered him. So I could be here. I want to give mad love to old Lang Syne. And our guest this week, a gentleman who's been on the podcast before, has been making his home in Vancouver, and now is going to fly the coop.

You're going to move back out east very funny comedian uh we're very glad to have him back mr jeff mckenry oh thank you very much for having me guys oh it's nice to have you back thank you sir oh thank you um thank god bless us everyone um well let's get to know us get to know us now uh jeff it's when you were last on the podcast you didn't live here yet oh yeah yeah or you would just have i think you came you even have plans to move here at that point the only thing you had done uh in vancouver was skydiving. Yes, I went skydiving. Yeah, I listened to the last podcast, like, right before I came over to Missouri. I listen to it every day. And, yeah, you were just out here.

You were visiting friends. Yeah, yeah, I was visiting friends. And, yeah, I'd gone skydiving the day before. We talked about that. And so, and then you came out here to go to film school? Yeah. I did film school in August of 2012 to August of 2013. And how was it?

How was film school? It was great. It was so much. It was a lot of work. Everything you're supposed to do as a comic but are too lazy to do. Like, write a screenplay. I don't know about that. If you go to my website, I think you'll find that there are still dates for June posted.

Last June. June, oh, not 2014? No, no, no. I don't have anything booked for June 2014. Oh, man, I'm still writing June 2014 on all my dates. What? anything booked for june 24th oh man i'm still writing june 2014 on all my dates what um you uh you took the the foundation film program is that right or what did you take i took writing for film and tv so did you have to did you have to write like a short film and then see it produced or did

you did you have anything produced uh yeah you had a uh anything produced? Yeah, you had a pilot for a web series. Okay. Yeah. And did it turn out all right? Yeah, I was happy with it. I thought it was pretty good. And now you're going to go back to Toronto with all the knowledge that you've learned and you're going to make a web series out there.

Well, I feel like 10 years ago, they probably would have had you make a short film. The people in, uh, they, after six months you would go into either a film stream or, uh, a TV stream. But like, like, uh, have you write a short film? Like, I feel like the idea of doing a web series, and going to film school and writing a web series is so much less pretentious than what you would have gone to film school for before. Oh, yeah, to go make a...

Oh, we still have a lot of that. Like film theory and, yeah, notice the color orange throughout this movie. I don't give a shit about this. Oh, is it clockwork orange? I really like the use of orange. Now let's talk about that clockwork. Was there...

Because I went to film school as well. You did? I didn't know that. Didn't you see his face on the wall? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Famous grads. Famous grads. And the dry cleaners there on campus. Yeah. They have a sandwich named after me.

It's just a Reuben without the meat. What would that be? Just bread? A cheese, I think. Oh, yeah. It's just a grilled cheese. There were a lot of, you know, like... So it did wonders for your career as well.

Yeah, absolutely. I worked, I worked at the show Smallville. Did you? Yeah. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah. I was, uh, I had to guard the trailers.

Against Lex Luthor. And they were like, we need to see your diploma from film school before we'll let you do this. I didn't graduate for real. Yeah, what is PA work like? It's cold. That's the biggest thing. Or it's hot. Depending on the season.

Yeah. Okay. Or the oven that you're shooting in. Or the oven that you're shooting in. Mostly it's really cold because you're outside and you're guarding a door. Or you're guarding a bucket. From the hit movie, Bucket. The bucket list. Guard the bucket.

um i uh there was one time when i had i guarded a uh a parking spot for uh like three or four hours like a pylon yeah well they make pas do a lot of stuff that's not legal that's what the p stands for pylon assistant yeah technically the pylon was my boss so you're running guns and yeah yeah well they like make you stop traffic yeah which you're not allowed to do yeah like that's totally illegal i've had that happen where i'm just walking down the sidewalk and someone with a walkie talk say, oh, you can't go in there, sir. I disagree. Put your hand on their face. Get out of the way. I remember one time we were, we did Hotbox, which was on

Comedy Network for about... Pat Thornton? Yeah, four and a half minutes. It's weird they would shoot a whole series and then only air that first four and a half minutes. Yes. It's the eighth most successful Canadian TV show.

It was my generation's Truth Horse. One time we were shooting this scene where we're all playing cops and we're in a public park and they forgot to get PAs on this. So we're shooting off Cap, and people are dying behind trees.

Officer Dan! No, because you went through the writing program. You haven't done any of the PA stuff. You've just been on the starring side of films and television. Yeah, when I listened to it, I was talking about, I think the last thing I plugged on the last episode was the movie that I thought was going to change my career. Now, this is the one where you're in prison? Yes, yes. Tell us the story.

Is Jeff McHenry's prison character here in the room? Yes, can we speak with you? Like a James Lipton. Okay, what was your character's name? My character's name was, at first it was Richards, and then halfway through the movie

I got renamed Looney, because they thought I was crazy. And they realized that no one had said your character name yet. Yeah, that's exactly it. So you're Looney. You're in a bin. You're like in some kind of bin for loonies. You're in like a junior detention?

Juvenile detention center, yeah. Junior detention. Baby gap. So the three bad guys would pick on the three good guys. But all these people are criminals? Yeah, all of them. So they're all bad guys. Well, the three good guys were supposed to be legit actors, and they were.

But the one actor who was a legit actor, the only person who got in trouble for crime was him during the movie. Oh, he got in actual... Yeah, he had problems with addiction in the past. So the story goes he got all screwed up on cocaine one night on a Saturday night. And then the Sunday morning he went into a bar in Moncton at 9.30. The bar wasn't open, but it was unlocked. And he just... Well, Lou's fault.

Yeah. And then he just went behind the counter and started pouring himself drinks. This is my bar now. The water's right. Yeah. And then left. And then the cops said, you're not allowed to do that. And he protested.

This is my democratic right to protest. When was he discovered there? Like, when did the bar open? I think it was literally like the... 945. Yeah, it started at like 10, so I did the bar open uh i i think it was like literally like the like 9 45 like it started at like 10 so i think like the bartender was like you know doing something in the basement and then there's a new bartender yeah oh hey so yeah they they they were there i think they were gonna put him in jail but they uh put him like under house arrest and his dad had to fly up uh from ontario to

watch over his son wow yeah so uh this this legitimate actor he was is he the guy that was on degrassi no no that was uh shane kipple that's the guy that was on Degrassi? No, no. That was Shane Kipple. That's the guy I raped. This was in a bat movie? It was at 10.30, that same bar. He's the sweetheart of a guy. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's crazy.

So this guy that was all in the trouble, he was like a miner then. Yeah, yeah. How does a miner get cocaine? Right? Well, he's in the biz. Yeah, yeah, that's true. He's a miner. He mines rocks of cocaine.

Now, this thing was shot in an actual... It was, no, it was shot in, it was shot in a church that was made to look like a prison. Were there real, didn't you tell me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Besides us, there was like me, the guy who got arrested yeah uh shane um uh who else like like uh like four of us were legitimate actors if you can call me a legitimate yeah yeah and i can't shut up about it jeff mckenry he's a real legitimate actor. I was going to say there was like four non-criminals, but I can't even specify it like that.

Well, there was that one guy. The lead actor was a criminal. Yeah, super method. Yeah. And then the two guys I was with, the two bad guys, they were both like on a work release program. Oh, my God. It was so funny. Like the one guy, his name's Banks, and he was really good because he wasn't acting.

So these guys, they were actual criminal guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's one scene in the movie where everybody is like digging a ditch. But since me and the other guy are like the kings of this prison, so we don't dig ditches. So we're just off by the side watching everybody else do work. Snitches dig ditches. And snitches wear britches. So as we're doing that, it was like the third day of filming. He came up to me and he's like, yo, you read this fucking script?

I did read the script, yeah. He's like, yo, they got me going out like a bitch. He's like, guy hits me with a fucking coffee cup and then i'm just gone from the movie there's a puff of smoke and i disappear and he's like he's like uh he's like yo what i think should happen yo is you like like he hits me with the coffee cup, and then I come back like a day later and I fucking shank him. And like the ditch they're digging there,

then we throw him in the ditch. And so I'm 60 feet away from everybody besides this guy. And I'm like, yeah, I'll talk to the director. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good. I like the re-roll. Were they rolling on this? Was this during the shot? Yeah, yeah.

No, you can see him talking to me in the background. Oh, okay. You're not mic'd or anything. No, no. They're digging a ditch, and that's him telling me this murder plot in the background. Oh, wow. Horrifying. So scary.

It was amazing. It was, oh, man. It was so much. Looking back on it, it was so much fun. Like, just, there was another guy, Goodyear. He's like the. Wait a minute. Yeah.

What, now, the one guy, the first guy you were talking about, his name was. That is Banks. Banks. Yeah. And Goodyear. Yeah. This movie's on American Netflix. What's it called?

Is it really? Yeah, yeah. Dog P dog pound I'm going to watch it part of the Degrassi universe it's canon okay now banks and Goodyear these are nicknames are these are are their actual last names? Those are the names of the actors. It was Banks, Eckersley, and Looney. We were the bad guys. I can't remember the good guy's name. But Goodyear was the CO, like the officer looking over us.

Oh, right. And he was fucking amazing. Like, he was, oh, my. Like, the actor was amazing? Yeah, the actor was so much more interesting than his character in the movie like he was yeah his name was lawrence bane and he had to get a tattoo that was lfb and that stood for lawrence fucking bane and and he would he would uh you if you the movie, it's hilarious because he would say like his character talked like this and he'd go, I'm Goodyear.

And we were sure he got that from I'm Batman. It sounded exactly the same. And Goodyear used to – because he's one of these guys that likes to be a method actor, right? So he would have like a cup when he was inspecting us. And so he's like

swigging from this mug. And then we noticed like, he sounds visibly drunk. And he was like, he decided that his character drank like vodka out of this thing. Oh yeah, so does my character. So imagine a guy trying to be a CO that talks like Batman,

who's getting progressively drunker throughout the day. Shows up in a cowl for the last shot. That would be great if there was a movie where every actor made that choice. Oh, by the way, I get drunker every day. So, the last day of filming,

I was so sad because I didn't... Goodyear wasn't scheduled to be on set with me. And it was like, oh, man, I'm going to miss saying goodbye to Lawrence fucking Bain. You look at your back, he's tattooed it on you. A tramp stamp. I don't remember anybody.

I'm going to go get drunk. I don't remember anybody. I'm going to go get drunk. I get back to the, they got us all like, it was all a condo building where we all stayed. We had all separate condos. And so I'm struggling to get my key into the front door. And Lawrence fucking Bain, he comes around, and he's just, I swear to God, he's just wearing boxer shorts. There's nothing else on.

Just boxer shorts. And instead of opening the door for me, he karate kicked it open. There you go, barefoot. Yeah. Wow. And I go, Lawrence, that was amazing. He goes, I wasn't born yesterday he thought a movie camera was on him at all times

it was amazing i wasn't born yesterday so you've been karate kicking door latches this door doesn't close now do you have anything for that nope uh bane kicks down doors he doesn't yeah my character doesn't know how to fix a door i'm not naive i can kick things yeah i wasn't born yesterday look at this kick gonna baby kick in a door um and is that is that like uh because you acted in a lot of like funny things but like is that the like serious the only serious thing that you did? Yeah, that was the only serious thing. And it forever changed your career.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Back. Back. I'm doing podcasts with you guys. Hey. Hey.

Well, we got a whole thing. I mean, it's great. Too late, McHenry. Should have made a different acting choice. Unchange your career. I'm sorry. Lawrence Karate kicks the door and takes me out of here right now. How did you find me?

Let's roll. I wasn't born yesterday. Was he an actor guy or was he another work release uh no no he was an actor yeah all right was it literally work release where they were let out of prison to act in a prison yeah yeah yeah yeah it was uh like but at work release you're supposed to be gaining skills to like school but like that's how dan Daniel Day-Lewis got his start. Do they expect to then be booking roles the moment they're released? I don't know. Yeah.

The only reason I got the part was I'd auditioned like four times. And the last time they're like, we really like you, but we think you're too old for a juvenile detention center. And then they called me up like two weeks before shooting began. And they're like, oh, yeah, you got the part now. And I didn't find out why until afterwards. They hired another one of these work for these guys. He stabbed a guy in the neck while he was in jail. So he had scheduling conflicts. Yeah.

Yeah, it's... Poor guy. He probably really wanted to... He's like, all I gotta do is just get through the week. Oh, but look at all these juicy necks. My grandma gave me this chip for Christmas.

Look at all these juicy necks. Oh, wow. Well, you survived it. Are you going to act again, or are you just a writer guy now? No, I try and do, you know, like every comic, you try and do a little bit of everything. Not me, man. This is it. And what else has been going on?

What's the last thing you acted in? It was that Talking Vagina one commercial. Did that ever come out? No. You were a Talking Vagina. Go on. Well, I don't want to go into too? No. You were a talking vagina. Go on. I don't want to go into too much detail. It was part of a work release program.

It was for a... Like a waxing... Yeah, like a... What would they call that? Is that what they're called? Waxing salons? I guess so. Waxing saloon? It was, yeah, it was like a waxing business, and they wanted to do an online ad, and so the ad was like they were going to superimpose my mouth over a lady's.

I'm proud of it. You know what I mean? Sometimes you just got to make rent, and something like this comes along, and you go, do I need to make the rent? And then you do it, you know? And then as far as I know it's never come out. Well, that's a blessing. Yeah. It's out there.

We should all be so lucky to book embarrassing jobs that never surface. But the fact is it's out there. Somebody's got a copy of it, right? Yeah, but no one's got a copy of it, right? Yeah. Yeah, but no one's got... I mean, the girl who had to play the stunt crotch, she's probably worried that it's out there.

Oh, yeah. You shouldn't be. Yeah, it's funny because that's the question. It wasn't really nudity that she did, because there was nothing showing, but to film the thing, she had to be naked. Mm-hmm. So is that, does that count as you did a, do you know what I mean? Like if, you know. As you did a what?

I don't know, like a nude thing? Yeah, I think so. You'd probably get extra money for it, yeah. Do I get extra money for it? No, not. What if I do my part naked? Even though they only just fill my mouth. It's part of your method.

Also, this vagina gets a little drunker throughout the day. Go ahead, wax it out loud. At one point it's got one of those little umbrellas. Hanging out of the corner of the mouth. A little sword with a maraschino cherry. Yeah, so that was the last thing that I, yeah, that I, I don't, I don't act. I don't know how to. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how, I'm sure if I was just given a role and they were like, you're pirate number four. Like, I'd be fine, but it's auditioning. I don't know how, I'm sure if I was just given a role and they were like, you're pirate number four, like I'd be fine. But it's auditioning. I don't know. Yeah. You got to go in and pretend you're mopping a floor. You're like, is this? But if they just gave me a mop in a movie and like mop that floor, I'd be fine. Yeah. But it's like going and pretending.

Yeah. It's hard. Yeah. Right? How do you do it? How do you audition? Well, I haven't booked anything. Ah, it's hard, yeah. Right? It is. How do you do it? How do you audition? Well, I haven't booked anything since. Ah, right.

Here we go. No, I was on, what was the last time? I hadn't booked anything since film school. Fair enough. I was on Covert Affairs, where I was going to tell Piper Parabo that she couldn't go up there, but she did it anyway. We need you to be not so convincing to her. Tell her to not go up there, but we don't want you to believe it

so that she doesn't believe it. When you do something like that, like that's a one sentence rule. Don't go up there! Do they give you like, do they make you learn stuff? Directions, yeah. No, I think they don't care they're just

like stand there say the line and yeah yeah yeah that's that's pretty much it yeah but do you feel i feel like there's got to be some directors out there that's like there's no wasted characters everybody's got to be coached on everything and and i'm sure there's actors who are like kind in the audition want to do it like 10 times like okay so this guy is he like is is he approaching her from the right side of the stairwell yeah does he give a shit but there's some uh characters in like movies and stuff that just have one sentence and you're like i remember that yeah the guy in uh oh brother where art thou that uh punches george clinton he says stay out of the woolworths that's the only line he has but he man does he sell it yeah yeah you know like oh what if you

that guy yeah like uh i'll have what she's having for batman yeah i'm batman batman that's his only having. From Batman. Yeah. I'm Batman. From Batman. That's his only line, right? Yeah, not a very complex character. I remember I had an audition one time and it was

for a casino and I guess, I don't know, there was so much fun at the casino it caused a riot. Of course. Fun.

And the only thing I, the only thing I did was get hit in the side of the head with an egg. It was literally... At that point, you don't have a character. Yeah, yeah. You're Jeff. Yeah. You're Jeff getting hit by an egg. Yeah.

So I went in there, and they didn't give me like, usually they're like, you know, when you're ready. They didn't do that. Just walked in the door and they hit you with an egg. Yeah. No. Well, and you can't, you know, they don't have actual eggs, you know. CGX. Yeah.

So it's just me. Just, I just stand there in front of these three people for about 15 seconds. And then I just. Ah! And that these three people for about 15 seconds. And then I just... And that's a wrap on Jeff, everybody. Tilt my head. And then I swear to God, the woman goes, she goes, okay, that was good. Can you do it more deadpan?

More deadpan get hit in the side of the head with an egg. Now pretend it's hard boiled. Now pretend I hit you with a scrambled egg. Now let's just do a silly one. Silly take. Oh, man. That reminds me what I wanted to ask you as we were talking about crappy acting stuff. I don't think I ever asked you because I ask every comic.

What's the worst big bomb you ever had? Because usually guys have really good stories about their best bombs. I'm trying to think of, like, what. I mean, there's been so many. Where do you start? I don't know. Dave? Biggest bomb?

Like, where you just felt like, ugh. I've had a few where I, i like but i don't remember any the only thing that's coming to mind is once you were there uh it was it wasn't something that happened on stage but it was like off stage and it uh it was you me and john door we had done a whole weekend together oh yeah and the last show on sat night. I had I I did not do well But it wasn't like the worst show of my life. Yeah, but no next Saturday late show too. Yeah, and then some people managed there were friends of friends who had got into the green room backstage and they were like

I was standing right next to Grahamham and one guy was was talking to graham about how great graham was how great john dora was that other guy though he he shouldn't be on this show like i'm standing right there like he knows i'm standing right there yeah that guy was a uh i remember that guy he's a terrible terrible dude. Like an awful guy. Like the thing is like there's like two categories. There's shows where they go badly, but like I kind of – that's what I expected. You walk in and there's a hot nut machine and you're like, ah, well, it's not going to be great. Oh, well, I mean the one thing I super remember, and it was no one's fault, because you called it when we did that show in Port Moody.

And as we were driving down there, you said, so Dave, that was pretty new to comedy at the time. And you said, so Dave, you might get called a fag tonight. And he said, so Dave, you might get called a fag tonight. And it was literally before I got to the microphone. So there's shows like that where you just walk in and your expectations lower so much that then you do bomb. But you were braced for it and it was fine knew it was gonna happen yeah but then like there's ones where you're like i don't know all the elements were right everything should have gone everyone else on the show did super great oh yeah and that i did a show or like someone who's super like you have no respect for and they just just crush yeah yeah there was i did a taping for

i think it was the anniversary so it wasn't of d-day they made us all run off a boat the vancouver alternative comedy salute to the Normandy Invasion. It was an anniversary of the Canadian Comedy Awards, but it wasn't at the Canadian Comedy Awards. It was taped in Toronto. Oh, is that the... Yeah, I heard about that. Where it was a terrible taping.

So, it was... I mean, I don't think I've ever been a part of something that went as bad because the first act or two they did okay but i was like oh they you know like this should be a cakewalk like it's everybody's doing seven minutes of their choosing. No restrictions. It's packed. It's packed. Yeah, nice stage. But when you get out on stage and you realize, oh, to make this palatable for TV taping, the audience, you can see everybody. You can see the person at the very back. It's not just lit.

It's over lit. Like they're as bright as the stage and uh i think i told my first joke just went in the shit so fast and then i was like oh no like that's only 20 seconds of that seven minute yeah and the rest of it was just just one bad reaction and i could see after every joke i could look into the audience and just see the looks on people's faces like this is just not this whole show is not going well and the only guy who did well was the last guy and i can't remember his name but he uh he's out of spite yeah but he's he was like he's a writer for uh rick mercer and okay But he was like, he's a writer for Rick Mercer. Okay.

And he was very funny in his set, but he was kind of the only guy who did well. Yeah. But it was so bizarre because everything should have been good. Yeah. All the elements were there. But yeah, man, I just took it right on the chin. So that was probably, what about you? Biggest bummer. Yeah.

Blonde memories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've got two, and one was actual death, and the other one, the show was death. Right, yeah. But I did Right, yeah. But I did, you know, okay, yeah. The death one was, did you ever do that gig in Williams Lake, British Columbia? No. Well, no, I don't think so.

Oh, so bad. You get there. It's in a corner room of a bar. There's a TV right above you. Nice. There's a. right above you. Nice. There's a... Something to take the heat off. Yeah.

There's a pool table. Yeah. Like about... Oh, all the classics. Ten feet from you. Yeah. You're introduced by a Street Fighter 2 video game. That's the opening act.

The stage is an octagon. with two guys going at it. Whoa, fellas. And so that was just bad because it was bad? Yeah, it was horrible. It was just a bunch of lagers looking at you with disdain. bunch of lagers uh looking at you with disdain and yeah and uh i had some line that i thought yeah because you go into those shitty places and you're like you know what i'll i'll rip on the town and that'll you know win yeah right yeah but then you realize that they really like this town they're in yeah you've just alienated yourself even more. The mayor's the emcee.

Hey! So it was like this, I can't remember, Williams Lake is also where, oh shit, what's his name? The man in motion. Rick Hansen. Rick Hansen, yeah. That's where he? The man in motion. Rick Hansen. Rick Hansen, yeah. That's where he's from. And I was like, this town is so shitty.

Rick Hansen was, I'm going to wheel myself all the way across Canada just to get away from you. And, ooh, they don't like that. Wow. Oh, it was so, it was just death. And I was opening at the time. One of those ones you were supposed to do 30 minutes, and I think I did seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I asked Billy Cowan was closing it, and I was like, was it terrible? He's like, the only laugh I got was I said, they're going to rape you in the parking lot. And little did you know, you'd be able to use that moment yes in a film character that's right oh that was yeah and then what was the one that should have gone right uh oh no it was it should have gone wrong but it went okay yeah it was uh it was uh graham chittenden you ever ever meet Graham? So funny. The other Graham I call him. I call him the number one Graham.

Oh no! He's great. So Graham and I, we go it's Maydock, Ontario. And we get there. Sounds bad. We get there. There's a guy there's like three people. There's a guy. There's like three people.

There was a guy. There was like somebody with like barely any teeth. There was another guy handing out cigarettes from a giant bag that he clearly just got off the reservation. What's mine is yours. Generous people. So he's just like, what's mine is yours. You know, generous people in Maynard. And then there's a woman in like her finest leopard print skirt from, you know, 1983. And then so we go. So Graham's really good off the top.

He's one of those, you know, you know, pretend, you know, does something different every show. Right. I just do the jokes and then whatever. Graham goes, he goes to the leopard print woman. She, he's like, well, is there anything we,

you know, is there anything funny we need to know about Maydoc? And this town of like 1500 people. And she goes, well, well, well, well,

there's what we're known for is up in the north end, back in the 70s, there was a couple of guys that got caught having sex with sheep. And she goes, but that's in the north end. Down to 1,500 people. So we go in. I swear to you, Graham Chitin can verify all this uh we go in and there's yeah it's like um well uh well uh the woman she's running it we find out and she's like well we're gonna get the reeve to introduce you and reeve is like like a small town mayor right the reeve yeah so we meet the reeve and he's visibly drunk a quarter after six. That was the platform he was elected on. I vow to be drunk

at six o'clock every night. So he's like, nice to meet you. I'll get the show started. Just let me grab a drink. And that's why he grabs another drink. And, man, I'm going to give him shit for not remembering the first act's name,

but I can't remember it either. So there's a woman with an A and a J, and went with oh a j yeah he went with anita johnson and that that was in the ballpark but not quite yeah yeah sure yeah so she goes up and uh miss not anita johnson yeah and uh and she's like uh the woman again the woman in the leopard print she's like oh the woman, again, the woman in the leopard print, she's like, oh, you're going to love this. Watch the speakers. So as soon as somebody talks, the speakers light up like a lime green. And like with every syllable, they light up up so she got like rave speakers for

comedy show oh wow yeah she's like this is the saver yeah yeah people hate the show but they love these speakers so she goes uh um me, she does all right. They weren't terrible. It was just a situation. Sure. So like 10 minutes into the emcee, the leopard print woman, she goes, all right, I'm taking off. What do you mean? You booked the show.

Don't you want to see it? She goes, I'd like to stick around, but my husband ordered Chinese. She goes, I don't know if I can eat it, though. My cat died two days ago. I got him in a basket on my kitchen table. What? Oh, wow. Yeah, again, Graham Chittenden can verify all this.

Yeah, I'd love to stick around for your show, but I want to spend some time with my dead cat. She goes, I don't know when I'm going to be able to bury him. I kept my Sylvester alive for two years in the freezer. Alive? Alive in spirit. spirit yeah above ground she goes so Graham and I were laughing about that because we were just

that wasn't properly sealed or anything there was a dead cat next to the pogo for two years and then she's like oh you know I'd open up the freezer and i'd talk to him what you've been up to i put frozen peas where his eyes were so i go up and i you know just one of those miraculous ones where it you know just connect yeah yeah yeah which ones where it, you know, just connect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is terrifying for me. Like, oh, my God. These people are related to me. How about this fucking crazy with our cat? They're like, finally. What are we talking about? And I paid Graham, I don't know, I'll give you 40 extra dollars if you close this thing.

Oh, wow. Yeah, because it was a co-feature. I was like, I'm not going up last. So, well, that's probably the best 40 bucks you ever spent. Yeah, because it was a co-feature. I was like, I'm not going up last. So, well, that's probably the best 40 bucks you ever spent. Yeah, yeah, I did well, and then Graham was doing well. And then for some reason, Graham decides to close on a bit about gay tolerance. There you go.

Read the rumor on. Yeah, I know. Do that in the north end of town, buddy. This isn't gay doc, it's may doc. Oh, wow. Oh, my town, buddy. This isn't Gay Doc. It's May Doc. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. May Doc Ontario. We got back in the car. Yeah.

I told Grant. I was like, I have to piss, but we're not stopping until we get on the highway. And then I'll piss out the window. Yeah. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, this is our first recording in the new year.

And we recorded, we were like three or four weeks ahead. Yeah, it's been a while. Missed you, Dave. Yeah, we haven't seen each other in a little while. So this is a real, you, uh, you know, reunion. Yeah. And it feels so good. Uh, I spent the, uh, the Christmas holidays in Switzerland.

So Christmas. Yeah. With, uh, Abby, my wife, uh, uh, her family, uh, her parents live over there and her brother and, uh, uh and his girlfriend flew over. We flew over. Abby's Aunt Sheila and her family drove down from Sweden to Switzerland. So a full, proper reunion. Yeah, yeah.

And it was super Swiss. We did all the Swiss things. What are the Swiss things? We ate fondue. What about cheese? Yeah, cheese fondues. Cheeses and fondue. Yeah, cheese? Yeah, cheese fondues. Cheese is a fondue. Yeah, but, you know.

Yeah, well, we ate cheese all the time. Four meals a day. In Switzerland, they have a fourth meal. Cheese meal. At Taco Bell. They have this thing called fourth meal. Then we ate every kind of cheese and potato thing you can eat. So cheese, potatoes.

Uh-huh. Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate. We went to the Alps. Mm. We went up 10,000 feet. Oh, wow. Went snowboarding.

Oh, wow. Cool. We visited Watch Museum. No, I didn't. Oh, God. Cuckoo Watch Museum. No, I didn't. Oh, God. Cuckoo Clock Museum. No, it was just, it was very, you know, I mean, it's still Christmas, so you're like sitting around a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I love. That was sort of my highlight. So is Switzerland like, I'm picturing it, out obviously the picture that I have in my head is very gingerbread people well yeah and chalet Swiss chalets yeah yeah chicken dinner no it's like it is that it is do people live really in like those type of houses yeah there are like some towns like every it's it's super the government is like super strict about building policies. Oh, okay.

And so, like, in some towns, all of the houses have to look like that. Like, those traditional chalets. Oh, cool. And you can't, you can't, you can't paint your house a different color. But how do you, like, how do you do normal stuff in a house like that? Like, you can't have sex in a house like that. You know what I mean? Like, it's too. It do normal stuff in a house like that? You can't have sex in a house like that. You know what I mean? It's normal stuff?

I was thinking of like, you know, watch HDTV in a super old timey house. No, no, no. Something more modern than HDTV. Sex. Something you would watch on HDTV. Yeah. But you know, wouldn't you just be like ah it's too wholesome in here i can't let's just have some milk but if you're swiss that's their whole deal

is like we are wholesome people who have wholesome sex yeah that's true probably the most awesome now what's the biggest city in switzerland zurich and does that have like a downtown with skyscrapers and that kind of thing? I don't know if it has a... Yeah, it does. I don't know if there's skyscrapers, but there's like... But there's a modern... Or is it all chalet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, there's like modern Swiss stuff. Okay, all right. There's a lot of glass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, we went to Zurich one day. We went... Abby's family is from, uh, Bern. Mm-hmm.

And this is probably, like, the most interesting, uh, I mean, it was all super fun. Sure. And, like, I, uh, I totally enjoyed it. The one thing that's, like, the most interesting thing that I learned. Oh, yeah, by the way, uh, the cutest thing that happened is Abby's Aunt Sheila. She has a three-year-old and a six-year-old, and they both arrived with rolling suitcases

full of toys. Pretty adorable. That's how you pack as a kid. How am I going to have fun while I'm gone? But we went one day to Bern, which is the capital, which is where Abby grew up. And so they went. They wanted to see their old neighborhood.

Dig up the time capsule. And one thing that they, when they lived in Switzerland before, they had all of their pets. And since they've all moved out of the country and moved back, the pets have died. And they've all been cremated. And they're like, well, while we're there, we can scatter the pet's ashes. Oh, they have them. Yeah. They didn't freeze them in a freezer.

Yeah. May dock. Have you ever seen the ashes of anything? Yeah. Very powdery. No. They're not as powdery as I thought they would be. Because I've seen them on TV where it's like, we've got to spread dad's ashes at the, you know.

Yeah. At, you know. Yeah. At, you know, dad's favorite place. The bar. We've got to spread the ashes on the stage of this strip club. Don't mind me, ladies. Just do it when she's not looking. But they're, when you are burned up in a crematorium go on you most of you i think burns away pretty easily yeah yeah it's probably very you know what

it's probably really greasy no there's probably a lot of it's bones it's like little bone chunks oh no i mean the crematorium there's probably grease everywhere it's like little bone chunks oh no I mean the crematorium oh yeah yeah yeah it's probably like a microwave that nobody's cleaned the inside of you know because there's probably a lot of like things that just like burst you know what I mean like when when the fire cook it up the guts you know

you know and then somebody be like oh who who's the last cremate in here wipe it down with a giant paper towel. I'd like to point out, we started with a quaint Swiss Christmas vacation. That's how these things always start out, family driving down the road. And horror films. This is how horror films happen.

Tell me more things. Yeah, yeah, please, Dave. Well, the bones. I just didn't know it would be so bony. It's really bony. Yeah, the bones, and you find a lot of time, teeth don't, yeah, because even if you, like, are a skeleton, right? Yeah.

You still got fucking teeth. They stay around. Even if the skulls just turn into dust, the teeth are still there. So it's like teeth must be very hard to... Or maybe they explode like popcorn. I've also heard that. Like if something gets hot enough. Oh yeah, they're shaped like a popcorn kernel.

Yeah. I think if you... Is that one of those Halloween things if you have a dark room and a bowl full of like Peeled grapes Yeah, the grapes are eyeballs. Yeah Let's or could you think the popcorn kernels? Oh, yeah That's what I'm getting at If you put some Vaseline on them, too, just to gross everybody out. What if you went to a crematorium and you were like...

You didn't know you were at a crematorium, but you were like, oh, this smells wonderful. Where am I? Can I... I'm starving. Can I have some of this? And then they tell you you're in a crematorium. I don't know why you wouldn't know from the surroundings. I think that's the next Febreze commercial.

It's because the new lab assistant tripped and dropped a whole thing of allspice in the crematory. What do they call it? I was going to say blender. That's wrong. Nobody wants to be blended when they die. Incinerator? Leave it checked. I want to be blended when they die. Incinerated? Leave it to Chuck to say I want to be blended.

Oh, yeah. What spices did you want to be covered with before you were cremated? I would like, like, a jerk. Oh, I'd do, like, an oregano basil. Okay, yeah, traditional. Yeah, yeah. Jeff? What cremation spices would you use?

Honey mustard. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a fun bar. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, buffalo would be good. Yeah.

What if you, what if somebody, like, instead of being cremated, you got blended and then like, they give you a paper. That's a big what if, Graham? No, say you're crazy. What if you were blended? And you leave instructions in your will. I want to be blended. And then they give your family...

They would ignore those instructions because you clearly murdered 14 people. They give your family an urn, but it's filled with goo. Like, where would you spread that? Well, for one thing, the goo would be... Like, the thing about an incinerator is the amount of you that's left over is very little. A blender doesn't get rid of any of it.

You're getting a... Like a car filled with... I don't know why a car is the container I came over. But then where would you... Like, if you poured it in the lake, it would just stay on the surface. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like ducks would just... Caught in it.

That's probably why they don't do it. Yeah, pour me into some kitty litter. I want to see what I look like as a giant clump. I want to see what I look like as a giant clump. And then, with the rest of the money I left, put that clump in a catapult and shoot it across town. Sorry to take your quaint Switzerland story and turn it into that. It's cool. And one other thing.

No skyscrapers in Zurich, eh? You know what? There might be. I think I only saw one side of it. You know what? The Alps are the real skyscrapers there. Oh, yeah. Am I right?

But one of the things, they have British cable at the house because you wouldn't want to watch Swiss TV. Oh, why? Is it weird? Yeah. Oh, there's like... Yeah, what's Swiss TV like? I don't know what Swiss TV is. I think it's German. Okay.

Okay. But I know that like... You were talking about sex stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Constantly. It's like that kind of stuff is super open oh really like they have at a typical roadside stop that we went to had like a family restaurant yeah a grocery store it just three things in this complex and the other one was a sex supermarket. Oh, wow. Like a, you know, superstore of sex things.

Wow. Well, we got pulling over here. And it's not like a creepy thing, like people are ashamed of it. It's like, oh, yeah, you got to walk through this to get to that. But one of the things, the first night uh we were watching this show it was basically america's funniest home videos but it was british oh so it was like a little bit more highbrow it was like the it was full of references to celebrities you've never heard of oh yeah yeah and so the hostess said things like like it would be a family celebrating you know christmas in uh

in their living room and the host would say who lives there anthony gormley and someone would be like skiing down a hill well here's denise van outen i mean i can make some some inferences good skier yeah nice house and one of the things uh was uh when someone did something really stupid uh and got hurt afterwards the host would just say serves you right it's kind of like a shame based show yeah uh do they win money at the end i know i think every clip is equal like if you if your clip is used you get whatever 200 quid um and uh uh yeah i don't like i know i know nothing about Switzerland. Swiss Army, I know that everybody has to serve in the Swiss Army. With knives. Yep.

And yeah, and then, like, the very stereotypical things. I don't, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. Like, you ski there, I guess. It's like, that's the thing you do there. Are there museums there? Yeah. There must be.

Oh, there's the uh we didn't go this time we went last time uh the geiger museum geiger yeah the guy who um oh alien yeah design designed the alien from alien wow and uh he's like it's all he's just like completely lost it and it might be because he uses spray paint like he's been using spray paint since before they had masks so uh like why is this stuff just gotten progressively weirder yeah well it's all a lot of like a penis with a vagina like built into it and like yeah there's a lot of... They're like, well, why don't they manufacture these?

I made them a prototype. Like, is it all alien-y stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all that look. Yeah. Bones on the outside. Penises in vagina. Yeah.

I get it. And then you'll walk down the street and there'll be someone just walking a beautiful horse really yeah so wow you get a nice mix in switzerland wow is that true really there's people walking a horse around that sounds super quaint oh totally yeah um and like you were there you were there for a while you were there for like two weeks yeah um what do people speak there? English? French? They speak,

they have four national languages. What? Really? German, French, Italian, and Romance. And the,

You made up that last one. I don't really know what that one is, but it's true. And the way, and the way that like Swiss German is different from regular German is that it's like super sing-songy and cute. Like the word for a hot chocolate in German is Heisse Schokolade or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. But in Swiss German, it's Heisse Schocki. Cute. And I think, I don't know what the actual German word for this is, but the word for a kitchen cupboard, which is like the prototypical crazy Swiss word, is... And it's supposed to be one of the cleanest places on earth or something. Yeah. Like that's why you always, when they come out with these top ten lists... Oh lists oh yeah it's always one of those it's like the highest standard of living which is always it always worries me that it's like okay well where are they hiding like where are they hiding

all the dirty people oh yeah well uh at those uh sex shops on the highway they're giving government jobs yeah exactly they They did a survey. Where would you guys like to work? And they created an infrastructure around it. I don't know, a sex shop, I guess. Okay. Problem solved. But they subsidize a lot of stuff, and it's supposed to be a really nice place to live?

I don't know. Yeah, it's really like... Oh, yeah, it to be really nice place to live i don't know yeah yeah it's really like uh um oh yeah it's a super nice place to live i assume i don't live there no that's true but you know you're as close as uh anybody here will ever get yeah no it's really it's like uh beautiful and like pristine and all of the things you expect it to be yeah no it doesn't that more than any other place, the picture in my head is a very fantasy kind of world. Every other place, I picture it, but then I also picture just what their garbage would smell like,

and then it just takes me out of the fantasy. You and your friend have never been to Burlington, Ontario? Oh, I have. Oh, but I have. Doesn't it live up to the fantasy of... I don't think that... Really, I just haven't said anything in nine minutes. I thought I'd...

And that's what you came up with, Jeff. You had nine minutes. Save this Burlington comment. I started to have doubts around the seven minute mark, but I was like, now I'm going to plow through. Am I still here? Is Burlington things going to kill? In a way, it did.

Killed your chances of ever coming on the show again? No, you're going to be back. You're going to get in another prison movie. I mean, that's our deal. The next prison movie you're in, you can come back. I was listening to it again. I forgot how popular you guys are. This is a pretty big podcast.

Not anymore. We have a lot of fun. Pretty good zing fest. Yeah, so I had a fun Christmas vacation. Yeah. How about yourself? You know, I went to Calgary. I was like, yeah, so my parents is fine.

It's cold. It was cold there. It was blizzarding. And we went bowling one night. I'm bad at bowling. I think we've been bowling before. I was bad at it then. Yeah, but it's not the kind of thing that thing that like the fact that you're bad at it

is a good thing but here's the thing uh amanda brooke perrin came out to bowl a past guest amanda repair she was great she was like but you know what i mean but like that's a bad quality or is it like it indicates that she spent too much time bowling but is it possible that some people just have better uh hand-eye coordination oh she's a bowling natural yeah because like i'm a bowling wonder ball i was every every other ball or every ball just went right into the gutter yeah yeah oh are you i'm not i'm not a bad uh bowler what are you a 10 pin a five pin uh i liked uh we had a five pin uh back uh back home glow glow bowling regular bowling uh yeah yeah i was a i was a bowling purist oh wow

didn't go for that wild pin nonsense um yeah i only wild pin i feel like i only wild pin as well because i the only time i ever bowl is like every five years After 11 o'clock at night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody is really shitty birthday party. Yeah Like yeah people still do that, but it's like It's fun. I'm gonna be 30. Come on like no if you're over 7, it's not I disagree Yeah, what happens when you turn 50? And where else? What have you?

Yeah. The bowling alley is. You have to start having earlier birthdays. Oh, but that's fine. That's perfect. Everybody in home, bed by eight. Right? Pretty good.

I look forward to one day when I have children, forcing them to have bowling birthday parties. So then I can totally school them kids. The weird thing is that bowling, it was popular sometime, right? And I feel like the bowling alleys that exist now were ones that exist. There's no new bowling alley. I've said this on the show before

and we've gotten emails from people being like, we've got a brand new bowling alley. It's weird. A thousand lanes. they're all full all the time yeah it's the only 10 story bowling yeah it's 24 hours it's in the bowling district like it's a lot of fun to go bowling but yeah but nobody goes more than once every five years yeah Yeah. So how does a business, like, I guess there's enough people on earth. Yep. You know. There's enough thumbs. Yeah, if you have a moving bowling alley that just goes from town to town.

Oh, yeah. The bowling truck. But I also learned that there's, like, I guess maybe bowling alleys in days past would have, like, a jukebox or a DJ would come. But now there's bowling alley radio stations that have DJs. But that's the only place they broadcast is just bowling alleys. Really? Yeah, and they take requests like,

Sharon in Des Moines, it's her 26th birthday, and so we're gonna play whatever jessica simpson's song yeah uh this one goes out to poo in aisles lane seven yeah aisle it's the poo song our most requested song we only give uh uh requests to your three initials but uh but it's a full-time it's like uh that's you dream job right yeah i'm a dj well what station are you bowling bowling alley only bowling alley fm i'm a dj like skrillex i'm the skrillex of bowling i don't know what that is um but yeah so i went bowling and it was pretty good and then uh new year's eve show you were there yeah yeah it was fun yeah and like but it's just it was just like uh it was very like

holiday by the numbers you know it's just like yeah tradition yeah i guess yeah you are uh i'm a real grunge yeah you're a real war on christmaser yeah you're a real christ war yeah i want um you know me i want uh what what are people that are worrying at christmas one oh happy holidays yeah i want happy holidays i want everybody just singing pop tunes yeah instead of hymns and carols you want uh you know uh i just want regular branches not evergreen branches 31 flavors of nog yeah i want people having elm trees in their house um black santa but i want a multi-coloredored like a Captain Planet Santa I want Captain Planet instead of Santa

yeah so you know it's fine it's so cold was it cold in Switzerland? it was like here sounds great I'm gonna move to Switzerland I am still super jet-lagged.

Oh, sure. And so, what is it now? It is quarter to niner. I have not been up since nine, or past nine since I've been home. Oh, so you're pulling an all-nighter. And so I am about to go, we'll see how I do. As the Swiss would say, coo-coo! Yeah.

We'll see how I do. As the Swiss would say, coo-coo! Yeah. And speaking of wars on Christmas, last night I finally got to sleep. Well, I got to sleep at nine. Nice. But I've been getting up at one in the morning, and then I'm up. I'm up. Yeah.

And last night I was like, okay, I'm finally, this is the night I need to make it through the night. And then at midnight I'm awoken by these bells outside and there's a Russian church across the street and they're having their Christmas. Oh, happy Russian Christmas. And they're screaming Russian stuff to each other. I must break you. Yeah. Christmas drag. Comes down and boxes the children.

Like a piece of iron. Ha ha ha ha. I can't think of another Russian thing. Um. Uh. You know, Putin. Yeah. Borscht. The Christmas uh, borscht pinata. Russian thing. You know, Putin. Yeah. Right? Duh.

Nyet. Yeah. Borscht. The Christmas borscht pinata. And yeah, there's, so that was just last night. Yeah. I forgot to send my Russian friend. Your Russian girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah. Who lives in Russia. And is totally real. You'll never meet her. But we've totally gone to the third base. Yeah, I know I only have that picture from that magazine. Yeah, so

Merry Russian Christmas. Yeah. Should we move on to to overheards? Sure. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more.

Take care of beers in the house. That music means, hey, you know what that means? It's not time for overheards yet. It's time for a bit of bittersness. And this week, Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast-slash-easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. Squarespace offers a support team 24-7.

24-slash-7? No, 247 days of the year. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's not enough. And they leave it up to you to figure out which one. But it's any 247 days. That's right, yeah.

Of your choosing or of their choosing. Yeah. Just try, like, any time. Chances are. I'm just reading the copy as it is. It says 247. Yeah, and I'm also reading my copy. It's a really well-written copy.

It's a back-and-forth bit. Go to squarespace.com and use the offer code SPY1, that's the word S-P-Y, and the number 1 to get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace, everything you need to create an exceptional website. Breaking news. January is one of the biggest months ever for the MaximumFun.org network. We're launching four new shows.

Yes, four. Four new shows. So much stuff to listen to. The first new MaxFun show is Oh No, Ross and Carrie. They join fringe religious groups, undergo alternative medicine treatments, and investigate the paranormal all so you don't have to. Your new late night best friends are Jasper Redd and Kimberly Clark, and their new MaxFun show is called The Goose Down, not to be missed. Also coming to MaxFun in January,

Song Exploder. It's a podcast that talks to musicians about their songs and deconstructs how they were put together. And our fourth new show is Lady to Lady, a weekly talk show with Tess Barker, Brandi Posey, and Barbara Gray. It's like The View, if The View was a good thing. And one final announcement. Dave Holmes, the great Dave Holmes from television, is joining the network as the new host of our funniest heck international quiz show, International Waters.

It's going to be a great year for Maximum Fun. You can check out all our new shows at MaximumFun.org or wherever you find your podcasts. Overheard. All right. Overheards. Now, our second longest running segment next to Get to Know Us. You know, you go out in the world.

What do you do? I listen. I listen up. I tune in. I turn on. You drop out. You bet. And we like to always start the overheard segment with our guest, who is you.

Surprise. Jeff, if you you lead the way uh yeah the last time i went home um my cousin is a uh one of my cousins is an arborist and the other one uh works in a uh gravel pit um so they can make quite a garden what's an arborist? Just a tree? Tree. Yeah, yeah. You work with trees. In what way? You cut them down. Asked and answered. Yeah, tree butchers.

So I love them to death, but they have very blue-collar friends sometimes. Sure. Some of them are stupid. Cable guys and such. Yeah. Trees. Gravel. So the last time.

Piles. Just piles of gravel coming up. The last time I was over at his place he had a couple of buddies over and uh his one buddy goes uh talking shit about his boss he goes uh and it's one of those times where like i am i'm kind of a quiet guy i don't know if you're quiet when you're in like social outings uh gram or day but I'm more of a sit back and listen guy. And it's one of those ones that I think I might have been the only one that overheard it or like it didn't fly over the head.

He goes, oh yeah, guy thinks he can boss me around because he makes three figures a year. A year. A year? So the most that man can make is $999 a year. Yeah. He makes less than $100 a month, but more than $10. Wow, yeah.

I guess. I mean, I mean I think when I was first out of school That sounds about right Three figure salary Oh yeah, when you were a kid you thought like Oh yeah, a hundred dollars, I'm set for life Yeah, yeah

If somebody gave you a thousand dollars at the end of the year when you were a kid You wouldn't shit yourself When I was a kid This mobster ran over my bike, gave me a blank check. No, that's not the premise of blank check, is it?

This mobster, I witnessed a murder. I was going to say, yeah, that sounds like a movie. That's amazing. What is the premise of blank check? A mobster is in too much of a hurry to... To kill a kid? I don't have time to kill you.

Here's a blank check. I don't know why he gives them the check. Yeah, I... And I've seen it, too. It's like... Yeah, the kid goes in... Yeah, it's something like... They're like, they're like they're gonna give the

like the mobster is you know there's like a go-between between the mobster and the guy who

runs the bank and a kid goes in instead of the actual go-between unusual choice yeah

give him a blank check I guess and then the kid becomes the owner of the Minnesota Twins I'm like, what? Unusual choice. He's not a kid. I'll give him a blank check, I guess. And then the kid becomes the owner of the Minnesota Twins. That was something I did during the lead up to the holidays. I watched Home Alone, which I haven't seen in years and years. And you watch it now, and I'm just riddled with plot holes. It's just crazy.

You have to really watch it as a cartoon. Because he only eats one cheese pizza the whole time. It's the only food he eats. He's that one cheese pizza. You've never seen him go to the bathroom. What do you consider plot holes? Well, you never... I mean, I expect to see him sleeping eight hours a night.

The one that I picked up on that was uh glaringly kind of like they they had it figured out but then there was a a part where basically at the beginning of the movie there's a an out power outage that knocks out the power in the phone lines oh yeah and uh yeah and so but not the water in everyone's overflowing sinks yeah Yeah, exactly. But the power is restored. He has power in the house. And the phone lines are restored. So he could have just called the cops when these two guys who were trying to kill him were breaking into the house. Yeah, no, he calls the cops at the very end.

Yeah. That's his finishing move. But why doesn't he call them, you know 6 p.m when they were yeah i don't know why he doesn't call them to say uh yeah my parents left me here yeah yeah and uh there's uh with some wet bandits well and also she the the mom calls the cops at one point says my kids left alone at the house they send the cop yeah the cop goes knocks on the door hey you know and then leaves and that's it the police the whole station job well done yeah yeah uh yeah grant can i sneak in a uh yeah did you call him grant uh no no never never

we have a deal yeah. This is another over... Real quick, another plot hole in Home Alone. Why do they have all those mannequins? That's true. That's true. Yes, that's absolutely true. No more of that house designs fashion. Again, my friend Steve, another wonderful guy, but he had some of his uh friends over we watched the

home alone too so we watched it during uh during the holidays and uh uh one of steve's buddies uh brought a girl with him and uh i didn't really care for the girl and uh and that was cemented and she goes uh we watched home alone then we watched home alone was cemented. And she goes, we watch Home Alone, then we watch Home Alone 2, and she goes, it's amazing how Kevin has so much more fun than his parents. Because he's the main character of the movie. Stuff has to happen

to him. And also, he's really good at making the best of a bad situation. His parents seem stressed out, and he's a cool kook. Yeah. Dave, overheard? Mine is from our trip to Switzerland. It's actually from Vancouver.

Wait a minute. That's not Switzerland. We flew British Airways to London, and then London to Zurich. Then we got on a train. No. I was going to go step by step. But it happens in Vancouver as we're waiting to board the plane. They have, you know, announcements and sort of like calling out to different passengers. And it was the announcement was British Airways paging passenger merlanda monster

and then a couple minutes a couple minutes went by and uh the same announcement came on again british airways paging passenger, Merlanda Monster. And Abby and I looked at each other and were like, did they say what I think they did? And Abby was like, yeah, Orlando Monster. And so it might have been Orlando Monster, but we both agree it was Monster. Yeah, absolutely. Please check in. Your shackles are ready.

If you have small children or are a monster who needs to be locked up for the duration of the flight, then please pre-board. Pre-boarding all monsters. Wow, great name. Yeah, I mean, like, that's the kind of name, like, you would get tattooed on your arm. Yeah, if I get, for the next time at a party and I get talking with somebody I don't want to give my real name to, I'm going to say that my name's Orlando Monster. And women, you can say your name's Merlando Monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope they're real hoity-toity, too.

The monsters. your name's merlanta yeah yeah yeah i hope they're real hoity-toity too yes the monsters the inventors of month they're like the heirs to the monster energy drink fortune the montauk monsters yeah um i think uh well they might be twins there's a merlanta and an orlando yeah yeah and like that's the brandon and brenda version of the same name wow yeah lando monster great yeah yeah uh you um uh like i said i went back to uh calgary for uh for holiday times and um as i was uh my brother and his fiance picked me up at the airport. And as we were driving back to my parents' house, you know, sometimes people string up Christmas lights and make them say a word. Get off my lawn. This was weird.

War on Christmas. Both of those would have been. Captain Planet rules. Both of those would have been... Captain Planet rules. This one said, it was strung up, two words, one above the other, strung up in Christmas lights, said, oil diaper. So I don't get it. That don't make no sense. I don't know what oil diaper is.

It doesn't make sense. That's amazing. Something like dinosaur wares. Baby dinosaurs. Oh wait, they don't... They didn't make oil at the time. Oil isn't made out of... Just dinosaurs being around.

Yeah, it doesn't come from their bones then. It comes from their bones now. Yeah, and it's not like the oil reserves were just like their toilets like dinosaur toilets maybe well maybe you weren't there no you're right um oil diaper yeah yeah oh man and i was i was that's a good nickname hey oil diaper yeah it's like a like a rebell teen, but still has a lot of time on his hands. Yeah. Put up the Christmas light. All right.

You'll see, Mama Dead. Yeah. It's like a really good graffiti tag, like the guy around town who has John Cusack Shakur. Now, we also have overheards that have been sent in by people around the world. If you would like to send in an overheard to the podcast, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. Sorry, Graham. Do you still have overlooks? Because I've got one for that as well.

Oh, sock. Yeah, sock. Do us. I've always wanted to write a stand-up joke about this because when I was walking down, it's like right beside the Vancouver Film School writing campus. I don't know if you've seen it as well. There's like this place where they do like sword fighting. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, and I've always wanted to write a joke because I just found it so funny. One of the flyers they had up says it's like 395 bucks, Warrior Fundamentals. It kills, because it's just the basics of what a warrior does. If you ask me, we have to get back to the warrior fundamentals.

Absolutely. It's gotten out of control. You don't want to be showboating. The thing about the best warriors is they master the fundamentals. The first. Yeah, and then they can do the moves. They don't even practice the moves. That's just what they come up with.

The other thing is, too, is kid warriors, we should put the fun back in fundamentals. Yeah. You know, like this was supposed to be fun. Right. I'm a fundamentalist warrior and I, uh, you know, I read the,

uh, old Testament. Exclusively. Yeah. Um, mostly the sword stuff. Yeah. Oh,

yay. Sharpen your sword. Yeah. Keep your sword. Sort of. Ah, there's a store in, the mall on uh across the street from city hall uh-huh it has swords and uh and uh tactical clothing right and uh what do you

mean like modern tactical clothing yeah yeah yeah like um uh stuff like like uh like cops would wear or whatever like has like pockets but not stuff that would protect you from a sword. No. But this is the thing, is when you get into that line of selling stuff, there's like, you sell the real knives and real protective gear. But then also, I guess you have to sell Lord of the Rings stuff to like balance it out. So they have all this stuff. It's like vests and grappling this and that and then they have like this crazy spike mask from lord

of the rings and you're like well i guess i mean you know are you gonna have two separate knife stores are you just gonna yeah i guess it's sort of like yeah it's where it's where hunters and geeks get to hang out it's the same thing they should also have like the there's that store the spy store yeah it should be just the like dwight fruit store yeah like that's really it right yeah guys that have things don't know how to use guys that wear leather dusters oh yeah the one stuff shop shop. Now, our first written-in one comes from Elizabeth Kay. This is in Barrie, Ontario. You ever done a show there?

Huh? In Barrie, Ontario? Spent a week there one night. This guy gets it. There you go. Edit out my crappy Burlington joke. No, no. We're going to edit it back in just right now.

Dude, you're going to do it twice. This is a while back. My friend and I were going to a store in the same plaza as Walmart. Headed towards Walmart was a mom with her young three-ish year old boy in a stroller. Boy, where are we going, mommy? Mom, we have to go to walmart boy no we don't mom yes we do otherwise what are we going to drink tomorrow boy timbits right yeah i'll put them in a blender yeah oh gross yeah you can drink anything you put in a blender. Just don't use the same blender for dead people.

Yeah. That would be terrible if your blender, if your dead person blending company also had a smoothie shop out front. Like, we got an extra blender. Yeah, it's like sweet and tough. We never, we're real clean about it. We never blend whole watermelons. Got that oversized blender for nothing. Let's put a clean about it. We never blend whole watermelons. Cut that oversized blender for nothing. Let's put a guy in it.

I like how you go, that would be terrible. Like, that's the only problem that could arise from the human blending company. The human blending company. Blending people. Lots of fun. This next one comes to us from Kenji T.

Kenji T. Don't know where from. Part's unknown. Nope, sorry. Houston, Texas. Okay. I was walking to lunch when a woman on a cell phone walking faster than me began to pass by. The woman is talking to the cell phone and says, well, regardless of the situation, I have to do it.

I just have to. The person on the other end says something, and then the woman says, well, of course I have to. Why? Because his friends are pickling, too. You don't want to be the only one. Yeah. Yeah. Sitting there eating raw cucumbers.

Yeah. Is that what you play? Is that what you pickle? Cucumbers? You can pickle cucumbers. You can pickle beets. Oh, yeah. You can pickle eggs.

Oh, I've never had pickled eggs. Oh, no, me neither. I think I've only had pickle... Pickles? Yeah. As God intended. Pre-pickled pickles. Pickled eggs, Jeff?

No, never had it. Have you had them? No, no. They're like something you would see in a... I know Moe the bartender has them. Yeah, you would see them in a bar uh on a tv show that that had like you know bad 70s lighting yeah like i feel i feel like it's after nine o'clock oh yeah we'll wrap this up yeah i don't know the pickled eggs anyways i mean like you said you could pickle anything a

teddy bear your keys oh and I'm dead. I want to be pickled. Oh, see, but that's a thing. I think that's a thing. Pirates used to pickle each other all the time. That's a good one. That's basically being put in formaldehyde, isn't it? Yeah, or a brine.

Yeah, but... I mean, you don't put dill in. You're not going to eat... yeah, or a brine. Yeah, but, I mean, you don't put dill in, like, you're not going to eat, well, you might. Exactly.

It's going to be a long winter, and we're lost. I'm a bad captain. Um, do you know that Captain Crunch has a first name? Yeah. You know what it is? I didn't know that.

Aloysius. Horatio. Did you know that Captain Crunch isn't a captain? No, yeah, he's a... Commander or something? He doesn't have the right amount of stripes

on his sleeve to be a captain? Yeah, that's right. Mysterious man. Yeah. I learned that on Spike TV's 100 Facts about Captain Crunch.

So many. Like, ah, one time Captain crunch dated you know the first cat woman eartha kitt and captain crunch had a fling yeah had a fling with eartha kitt why not um this last one i'm jet-lagged, too. Yeah. Maybe the pressure in here has changed. We do have all the doors shut. This last one comes from Kate M. in Australia.

I was walking to my bus stop the other day. As I passed the theater on the corner, there was a guy walking towards me. He was super dodgy. Good Australian term. Yeah. And scruffy looking. And he was having a shouting and swearing conversation on his mobile phone. That's how you know this is authentic.

Yeah, cranky. This is the part I overheard. No. Fuck you. You fucking C-word. You. Ooh, Rob Schneider live. You fucking C-word. You.

Ooh, Rob Schneider live. That would catch your attention. Yeah. He saved Home Alone 2. He's very good in Home Alone 2. Yeah. It's one of the only good things Rob Schneider's ever done. He has almost as much fun as Kevin. You met Ettrrick's girlfriend too

oh Etrick yeah Dave do we have phoned in over we do if you want to call us with your overheards our phone number is 206-339-8328

hi Dave Graham and possible guests I've got an overheard for you. I was at work ringing out a customer, and as I finished, I said, have a nice day. He said, I'd rather not have a nice day, because if I have a nice day, my wife will divorce me and move in with a gay guy, because he will clean the house and not beg for sex. So we'll have a bad day.

And then he walked away. What? Why? Why would him having a good day make her... You know what? You should just say season's greetings. Yeah, that's true. I will not greet the season. My customary, whenever I worked in

customer service, my customary send-off was just, enjoy. Because that's not, you know? I get a lot of cheers. Yeah, yeah. But you go to a lot of bars. You buy a lot of your stuff strictly at bars. Big legs. Beer.

Beer nuts. Yeah. I've got a shopping list. Blank Kino cards. Hot nuts. Big old eggs and beer beer i need coasters cardboard coasters bathroom uh condoms like glow-in-the-dark uh cologne samples imitation track are noir yeah uh yeah i will not have a nice day yeah Yeah, but just enjoy is a simple. Maybe that guy was like.

I want to know, did he have a nice day before and that's exactly what happened? Or maybe. Oh, the last time he had. Like in 94 he had a nice day. I think that's exactly. Yeah. He had one nice day. Or that's his idea of a nice day is his wife leaves him for a gay guy.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, I don't want to go through that again yeah it's expensive that's what i imagine my perfect day would be like and i do not want a nice day i don't know the definition of the word nice i don't want this thing that i want um here's your next phone call yeah hit it hey david gra and Graham and probable guests. This is Caleb from Seattle. I'm at a little burger drive-in place. And I was overhearing the cook in the back talking to one of the other workers. And he goes, oh, man, this week's just been crazy.

First Christmas, and then it's just been busy here. I can't wait to go home, put on Liar Liar, and just eat. Just eat? Yeah. You know what I love about Liar Liar? Never asked me how my day was to sit there and eat. Liar Liar never tells me to stop eating.

That's really, really funny. Liar Liar's the one where Jim carrey can't tell a lie that's right yeah yeah and uh what else could it have been dave what could it be that movie where jim carrey can only say yes to things lie man um yeah the uh uh But you know what? And just eat. But when that guy says it, it sounds exactly right. Like, just sit there and just watch Jim Carrey and just, like, fucking eat. You know?

There was a movie I was thinking of the other day that I was like, ah, I wish this was on TV so I could just watch it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just not do anything. Yeah. It's a good shut- brain off yeah yeah my movie like that is always goodfellas and luckily goodfellas is always on tv yeah there's never a time that i feel like i want to watch goodfellas and i can't find it yeah no it's on tbs 24 7 and it's uh it's

great the censored version the uncensored version yeah Good with ads, good without. It's great. It's good to eat, too. Yeah. Just shut your mind off and shut your stomach on. Shut something on. Dave's losing it. Put on the last call. Final phone call.

Hey, Graham and Dave, and almost certainly a guest. This is Steven in Cincinnati. This isn't really an overheard because it was a conversation with me, but I felt as if I had to share it. Someone at work messaged me and asked, what is the time zone in Canada? And so I was very confused and I, I am back. Uh, they have all the same ones as we do and maybe some additional and that person, I am being back and thought I was joking. And so I told them to come over and she came over and she said, what is the time zone in Canada?

I'm like, have you looked at a map? It's the same as our country. They go from the same coast as we do. And I figured it out. I'm like, okay, so clearly she meant a city. So I said, what city are you referring to? And she said, Alberto.

You know, makers of VL5 I don't know.5 yeah you do have style uh great i always i do sometimes get the idea of a time zone mixed up with a postal code mixed up with an area code yeah with a license plate yeah where did you leave your hose? Was it in a different time zone? Area code? I've got hoses in many different time zones. Different postal codes. Yeah. I would say as far as like a province.

Yeah. Comes close to, you know, people putting hair product in. Alberta's about as far away as you can get. Yeah, what do you think is Canada's most hair product in alberta is about as far as ways you can yeah what do you think is our canada's most hair product province oh it might be british columbia i would say ontario oh quebec yeah i would say they've got a lot of fancy hairdos yeah in quebec city of montreal and uh and the least hair product province maybe alber. I think maybe Saskatchewan. A lot of hats. A real hat-wearing heron province.

A real hat-heron province where the herons wear hats. Yeah, when you're scanning the crowd at a Rough Riders game, you're like, oh, look how it stays in place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They wear watermelons on their heads. It's true. It's true and weird they all do 100 must have this watermelon this many watermelons on your head to get in one uh that brings us to the end of this uh things he can boss me around because he wears one watermelon i'm wearing two one on my head and one on my face. I can't breathe. Jeff.

Yes, sir. Where can people find you online? You're going to be in Ontario in the next month. You'll be touring around. Yeah. Tearing up the whole place. I'll go for a rip.

You can go for a rip. Lock up your daughter's Wallaceburg, Ontario. I never heard of that place. Yeah. Wallaceburg. They couldn't have said a lot of better names. Thunderburg. There you go. See?

His name is something better. February 6th, baby. Yeah, I'm on Twitter, Jeff McHenry. Yeah, Facebook, my website, JeffMcHenry.com. NetflixUSA. Yeah, yeah, check out Dog Pound. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, that's my before bedtime watching. I'm just going to turn on Dog Pound and just eat. I'm going to turn it on and just drink to the memories yeah uh to good year um dave do we have anything to get a plug dave's turned into dubstep. I do not know. Okay. I don't think we got to plug another.

All right. I don't think we got to plug another. Well, it's good to be back. If you like the show, tell your friends. Head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap that we do each and every week of the show. You know, pictures, videos. Yeah.

What would you say? There's going to be a blog recap. Oh, Dave does one every week. You know, to clarify. Yeah. Because Dave has just said vowels for the last five minutes. I'll have all the vowels in there. Sometimes one.

Buh-buh-buh. You know, maybe Rob Schneider. What else did we talk about? Liar, liar. Liar, liar, of course. Eden. Go for a liar. Of course. Eating. Yeah. Going for a rip. Yeah.

All these things. And yeah, if you want to get in touch, it's spy at maximumfund.org or 206-339-8328. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. It's weird, because I feel like Alan Thicke has got a little interest on him, but only because his son is famous now. Yeah, yeah. Like, if we put Alan on a thing, maybe Robin Thicke will stop by.

But when he hosted it, that was before the Robin Thicke stuff. Well, Robin Thicke was before that hit. But Robin Thicke was a heartthrob. No! Heartthrob of the middle-aged set.

People who like an edgy buble were into it. Yeah. Like a buble that can fuck all night. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.