Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 305 - Chris Wilson

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Sketch comedian Chris Wilson joins us to talk nudism, apple technique, and Blackfish.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 305 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's a fan of the Alberto 305 hot oil, Mr. Dave Shumka. Don't be so mean to your hair. Get hot.

Get hot. Hi Graham, how are you doing? I'm doing alright, how are you? My hand smells very bad oh why what happened because upstairs i there was a rag in the sink oh no and i was like oh it's way it's like it was like in a pot full of water and i took it out still water hand yeah but it's it's the the rag still looks good but it's got a smell to it, and it's got to go. Here's my thinking. But then I washed it with VO5 hot oil. The way your hand smells after touching that rag is the way the entire cast of Duck Dynasty smells.

Guaranteed. I've heard people who don't like cilantro. Yeah. It's like a genetic thing. It either tastes fine or it tastes like garbage. Yeah. It's like a genetic thing. It's like you either do or it either tastes fine or it tastes like garbage. Yeah. They say it tastes like a wet rag, like an old rag that's been out too long. Because cilantro to me tastes like a nice cilantro.

Yeah, I love it. It's so fresh. But our guest is nodding his head. I wasn't. Am I allowed to talk? No, let me introduce you. Our guest today, first time guest here on the podcast, is in town helping to produce, I believe, Sketch Festival, which is running January 23rd to the 25th. That's correct.

Is it all in one venue? It is at the Waterfront, which is now called the Berard Theater. Which is on Granville Island. On Granville Island, and another venue on Granville Island. guest's name is chris wilson and thanks for joining us thanks for having me and he's a member of uh peter and chris yeah the cbc uh home duo yeah yeah yeah that's uh steven steven oh it's a different thing okay we get that all the time yeah i bet you do every every time the hair i was like oh that's the two nice men from the tv if you had flipped if it was uh chris and peter nobody would ever you know what i mean but then it's not too late like a religious thing like

you're christening peter yeah we went through all of this chris and chris and peter i think whoever would say that is stretching more than the people who are like, are you the guys from the home design show? Yeah, that's true. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Chris. Yes. Tell us about your cilantro situation.

Okay. Are you one of these people? One of these people? Who did? I am. Those people. I wouldn't say it's garbage as it is soap. Soap.

It's more of a soapy thing. Okay. And if it's in things, it makes things taste like soap. But what does soap taste like to you? Like a wet rag. Like wet rags. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. That's going to be tough. Of a weird palate. What about a broccoli? Because apparently that is one of those things that's either like your tongue is one way or the other. Because like growing up whenever, I loved broccoli, but I was told by pop culture that it was disgusting. Yeah, who was it? Was it your idol when you were a kid, George Bush?

He hated broccoli. I was thinking about him barfing broccoli today. broccoli i was thinking about him barfing broccoli today he he um it was such a weird like that's how kind of boring of a president he was like that's the thing people remember about him was that he hated broccoli and he barfed and he barfed yeah that's right on uh someone in china japan japan i've come back around on broccoli oh so you were out but now you're back in i was i had uh requests to my mother that broccoli stocks only no bushy shit she would steam them and i would just have like like carrot sticks but broccoli steamed broccoli yeah i know your mom loved you. Yeah, I guess so. You know what my mom would have said?

Thinking back. Just eat it. Shut up. Yeah. Is there any food from your youth that you still are like, it's a no-go? Mushrooms. Really? Hate them.

What about sauteed? I don't care about them. Raw or cooked? Have you had? What about the psychedelics? Raw is worse. I don't want to even go there. If we're into cooked mushroom territory, like if they're on a pizza, I'll put up with them.

What if they're sitting, what if they're like cozy, spooning a steak? Like if there's a steak and then there's just like a little thing of mushrooms. I'll just scoop that steak out. Oh, you'll just leave the mushrooms there? Oh, yeah. Wow. I get that mushrooms are gross it's more of a texture yeah i get it it's texture yeah yeah yeah like sometimes

i'm like oh i'm not enjoying this but yeah but what am i gonna taste like anything though to me you gotta put more butter on them yeah yeah butter barbecue sauce. Yeah. Just cover them so that you can't taste them. That's the key with, yeah, a lot of life. Right. Dave, do you have a food like that? What are we talking about? Like a food that, because a lot of times when you're a kid, you're just picky because that's what kids do. Yeah.

And then you grow up and you're like, oh, yeah, of course, asparagus is delicious. Yeah. But was there anything that you have stayed the course and just said, like, never, I never ate it then, I don't eat it now? I don't think so. I think I'm pretty, like, I'll eat anything now. Wow. Liver was, I know I don't eat anything now. Oh no, well, I'm not going to eat liver.

But a lot of people eat liver. What's the matter with you? That doesn't count. But liver, would you eat liver? I wouldn't, no. I've never had it. Really? I've never had it either.

Because it looks gross. Oh, it is. Pate, right? Is that liver? Pate is liver. Oh, I'd eat a pate. Well, pate is liver. I love liver.

But like liver and onions. Well, that's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. But pate is also in the liver. Give me some cracker and i need some liver paste i'm good yeah see crazy yeah so tell us what else is uh when i was in europe just now yeah they have everything in a like comes in a toothpaste tube gross and so like liver comes out in a toothpaste tube how many times a year does somebody accidentally brush their teeth with liver?

Accidentally? Never. On purpose? Every day. If you live in a small enough apartment, those things could be on the same shelf. All your different pastes. In your refrigerated medicine cabinet. Next to your refrigerated kitchen.

So what else is going on? You lived in Vancouver for a while. You now reside in Toronto. That's correct. Tell us about it. Tell us about Toronto. Well, just tell us about what's going on. What's new with you? What makes you tick? Yeah, living in Toronto

right now, and I'm glad that I skipped the ice storms. Oh, you were here for that. My flight was delayed nine hours you were here for that. Yeah. My flight was delayed nine hours or some garbage like that. What did you do during the delay? I drained my iPhone battery until it wasn't alive anymore.

And then what? Then you got creative. Yeah. And then I looked at the in-flight magazines. Yeah. I feel like that's when people start a business. It's when they're like, I didn't have an iphone i was stuck on a plane oh yeah that's that's every like that's a pizza pops yeah exactly i had these small pizzas they're either someone who had no power on their iphone

or they are a single mother yeah oh yeah yeah but sometimes you wouldn't even notice that there's a single mother around until you've got like you a single mother has to be involved in every major invention in the last 50 100 years 5 000 5 000 years has been a single mother present inspiring it yeah um the lady that uh couldn't find her way around the dark light bulb the yeah the lady who had the lumpiest uh phylo pastry rolling pin yeah um murphy brown uh uh eldon yeah yeah yeah um jennifer lopez for a while she i think does she have kids yeah uh grace under fire the tv show she invented the tv show yeah yeah yeah um so you uh you're a single mother yeah i'm a single mom in toronto she's trying to make it work trying to survive yeah so how uh because you grew up here

you're a west coast i'm a west yeah i grew up in victoria yeah so you're used to uh like real seniors with real soft hands soft-handed seniors. Just moisture in general. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dampness. A good level of damp, moist. Moss. It's my bread and butter. Yeah.

And why Toronto? So cold, so jagged. Everything's jagged there. Oh, was it to make it? Did you go to make it? I went to make it. I went to see if I could. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know, really. It's been a year so i'm just like still kind of hanging out yeah having a fun it's fun i'm having fun sure yeah absolutely and uh what do you do out there tell us about a daily routine and the chris wilson's toronto when i first got there chris wilson's toronto hung out for a month. Didn't do anything. Went to a comedy bar a lot. Oh, yeah. Met some people. Good place to go.

Got a job as a valet. Oh! At Trump Hotel. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't the best thing that happened to me. No, we want to talk about it.

Every step along the way is important. What color vest do you wear as a valet at the Trump Hotel? I wear a vest that is navy blue okay it looks like i should be um captaining the starship enterprise or something yeah it's a vest it's like done right up to the top you should have three little badges or something oh cool do you still work there um i hope so okay yeah i've been out here for a month. All right. Yeah, I think so. Just wondering what verb tense to use.

Okay. Yeah, I still work there. Do you drive standard? Yep. Okay. Yeah, you'd have to. You'd probably have to, yeah. You'd think so, but there's so many people who just try and figure it out on the job.

Really? Yeah. So there's a lot of this. It's terrifying. I'd be terrified. Yeah, with someone. Just grinding the gears right in front of the owner. Yeah. Oh, it's awful. the gears right in front of the owner.

What is the craziest car that you've parked? Oh. I mean, almost name a car. Rolls Royce Phantom? The Batmobile. Bruce Wayne came in one day. Have you valet parked a car that has the doors that go up instead of out? Gold wing doors. No, gold wings go up instead of out gullwing doors are you no gullwings go up what are the other ones what are the doors or no what are the ones that go like

this like like like that what are those oh yeah the snicked snicked wolverine doors just like a do you know what i'm talking about like they go knifey doors yeah like a yeah like a switchblade switchblade yeah that's what have you ever parked a car with a switchblade? Switchblade. Switchblade doors. One, yeah, there's a Rolls Royce Phantom. It's like, I don't know, it's like a $400,000 car. What did that smell like?

Owned by Rudy Gay of the Toronto Raptors, because he lived in Trump Hotel, and then he was traded. What? He lived there. He lived there? So I would see him daily, yeah. It's five cars. Five cars? All parked at the Trump Hotel and then he was traded. But he lived there. So I would see him daily, yeah. It's five cars. Five cars? All parked at the Trump Hotel, yeah.

What? So is... Bunch of raptors live there. Bunch of maple leaves live there. So scary! Does Dion Phaneuf live there? Because I know... Bernier lives there.

Okay, because... Who are these guys? Guys that you know? Friends of yours? There's a... Bernier lives there. Okay. Who are these guys? Guys that you know? Friends of yours? HBO does a show 24-7 where they do it for one month a year and they follow two hockey teams. Okay. And I think they do them for football and something else as well. All right.

But the first shot of the first episode was Dion Phaneuf of the Toronto Maple Leafs. He's married to Alicia Cuthbert, actress. Uh, and it was him getting dressed. Uh, and like, he's got like a huge walk-in closet and like super nice suits and then puts on the dumb clip-on bow tie. But then he went downstairs to his Bentley that that was like he he lives in one of these giant uh i don't know high rises he does he probably lives close by do is it uh is it fun or interesting or demoralizing to work in this environment all of them is it really yeah yeah it's demoralizing because you're just uh you know, you're a rich person's, you know, slave in a way.

Like, here, park this. Just, I'm good. I'm going to go up to bed. Do they really? They can't even be bothered to park their own car. Oh, I wish. It's the weirdest job, for sure. Yeah.

Like, I don't understand. But it's a hotel. When it came about. And people live in the hotel? Yeah, the top floors are. Yeah, exactly. Is that right? Yeah, Zach and Cody.

Yeah. It's a sweet life kind of thing. Who's got the sweetest life in this hotel? Two little kids. Two little kids. Running around all the time. Their mother is a singer in the hotel bar or whatever. Just little scampi kids.

Yeah. They're always grinding the gears. So, okay, before we move on. Well, no, I have a question. Switchblade doors? I've looked up, I did a Google search, and I have landed on the Wikipedia page, list of cars with non-standard door designs. Ooh. So there are scissor doors.

That's probably it. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah, scissor doors. I like switchblade doors better for those. That's a it. That's, yeah. Yeah. Of these guys? That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. Scissor doors. I like switchblade doors better for those. That's a butterfly doors, which also seems not too far off. Just flap open. They go up in an angle.

And out. Oh. There are gullwing doors, which you'll find on your standard delorean dm12s absolutely um a suicide doors which are the ones that open backwards in the back oh right and that's for uh suicide yeah to kill yourself it's for it's the car that they drive in the beginning of entourage yeah yeah oh when they all kill themselves yeah right uh and the rest of the show takes place in Purgatory. Oh! What if that was the thing?

What if that was what the movie was about? I wish it was that interesting. They die in the opening credits in a car accident. The whole show is just... Not a car accident, a suicide. Oh, yeah, a car suicide. And then they're all in an idealized version. But then in the very last frame of the movie,

it cuts back to them just decomposing in the car, because they've been down a long time. Yeah, and it was actually in the desert. Canopy doors, which I've never seen before. Like, this is crazy. Oh! Like the roof and windshield sort of come out. Yeah, the whole top of it pops though it's a pop

top it's a pop top and once you pop oh yeah absolutely try and try to use it once yeah uh the other kind is one a kind of drawer that you've all experienced before can you name it a bus door the normal door the this a standard door oh i feel like there are like it? A bus door. A normal door. A standard door. I feel like there are. They left out bus door. Is it named after somebody? Nope. Rick Smith's. The Duncan Dutchman. Sliding doors from minivans.

Oh, fun. Those are more like suicide doors. Come on. Homicide doors. Yeah, if you want to push someone up. So you work as a valet. Now, I have a question about valet. Go ahead. When I ever have to go somewhere, and I get there, and I realize it's a valet, and I feel bad because I have a bad car. I don't have a bad car, but I don't have something that...

Oh, you're being judged. Yeah. Oh, are you? Oh, yeah. I do it. I get into a Ford Focus. Yeah. It's like, oh.

You split on the worst part of my day. When you get into a 1991 Corolla, are you like... It's a lovely car. I'm not going to get a tip. Oh, the tips are kind of, you never know. Because people with a 91 Corolla will almost over tip in a way. Right. Because they're coming in with that mentality.

Right. For sure. And then people with Bentleys, I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe not. You never know. Have you ever been tipped anything weird? Anything weird?

Well, I get tipped bus tokens sometimes which is kind of shitty wow it's also like super shitty why is someone that's the demoralizing why do they have you probably use this hey or do they just give you a handful of changes there's bus tokens in it or they literally hand you a bus token like one guy was like literally handed me it he's like here's a bus token it's three bucks so yeah he's a bus token. It's like three bucks. Yeah. He's like, oh, thanks. Oh, yuck. It's like being like, giving someone a condom. Like, you probably shouldn't have kids.

Here's an eye patch. You've got a weird eye. I'll let you figure out which one. What about coupons? Any coupons? No coupons. Well, no. No coupons yet.

Would you be more stoked to get like a $10 tip or if somebody handed you like, if you go to this restaurant, you can get a free taco with this. Hmm. Which? Money or an experience. Yeah, it's an experience. A taco experience. Yeah.

I'll take the taco experience. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah, for sure. So you work as a valet during the day. That's how you're paying the bills yep what a crazy but like i think it's because it's at the trump building that i'm oh yeah fascinated by you work a day shift or do it's it's 24 hours so it's almost it's so flexible i feel like i wouldn't tip a valet in the day in like daylight hours i would tip yeah that's true that's why all the tips are pooled and yeah

people don't tip during the day it just seems like i don't know i mean what are you even what i wasn't expecting a valley i didn't bring any money sorry yeah yeah it's tons of that it's has there ever been a thing where you've like the person's been, like, kind of like, let's keep this on the down low. Like, this car is obviously stolen. I wish it was that interesting. No, it's just parking cars. Just parking cars. And so then during the evenings, you're hanging out at Comedy Bar.

You're probably going to, what is that, Medieval Times? Every night. Have you been at all? I went once when I first got there.'m like wow that's 70 bucks okay cool yeah what if somebody gave you a yeah a past of medieval time yeah i'd go yeah yeah yeah cool all right would you be a valet at medieval times oh because they would be horses yeah they'd be horses and you'd get to wear chain mail. Is this a standard or automatic? What is this? Horse.

Then you get on the horse and you're like... I don't know how to get this thing started. Can you park my Mustang? It's so awkward. I'm sorry. And what's your favorite thing about Toronto since you've been there? So far it's been the summer. Oh, the island was sweet. Toronto Island.

You heard about it? I went there in the cold. It was kind of like when it was closed. You have to go on a ferry to Toronto Island. And then when you get there, they open up the gates. And it's very Jurassic Park. It's totally Jurassic Park. Yeah, yeah. There's a moment when the ferry parks and it's very like jurassic park it's totally jurassic yeah yeah

there's a very there's a moment when the fairy parks it's very manicured parks and just walkways and then a nude park what park beach a nude park i want to go to a nude park manicured cubic areas just people on their lunch break but naked yeah picn, yeah, yeah. Picnickers naked. Oh, I like, I've heard of nude beaches, but a nude park, that is a... There's a lot more running around that goes on at a park. Oh, yeah. Lots more fetch. A lot of stuff like that. Frisbee thrown.

Yeah. Naked frisbee. Wow, a naked park. Yeah. Is there really a naked beach on that island? There is a naked beach. You have to go all the way across. Oh, you gotta go all the way.

You have to. Oh, boy. And then, yeah, it's the best part, probably, because the families aren't around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a no man's land. It's a little wreck beach-like. What would happen? Would you get arrested if you were a family of naked people?

Is that an illegal thing to have, like? At a beach? At a nude beach? Yeah, like if you were, you know, mom and pop and the kids and the dog and they but everybody was naked are they allowed to be at a nude beach yeah of course they're allowed to be naked i don't know i don't know what the rules are around you you're if you have kids the kids are naked all the time oh yeah that's true like if you even but in your house and stuff not at the mall there's not naked no but even at like a clothed beach you'll see naked kids oh that's true there's a rule that

that copper tone baby public pools women can go topless if they wanted and they're not why would a woman want well they can there's no rules saying that they can't though it's the thing i like that you just go and hope i don't know what yeah i don't see what's in it for them like no there's nothing well uh tan lines yeah all the staring you can handle yeah guaranteed all the links um yeah i like that when it's like hey if you want you could totally go topless. It's fine with all of us. That's what we tell all our female guests when we have them on the show. Oh, yeah, this is a top optional. Top optional.

Not for you. You must. I have to. In fact, we're going to give you a third. Should I zip this up, actually? Yeah, I'll zip up. That Toronto Island is the spookiest place in the world when it's not uh warm out so i assume it must be very pleasant in the summer because otherwise why would anybody go there it's a scary

island it's very spooky uh-huh there's an abandoned uh it's all these naked people that are freezing and like we don't know how to get back yeah there's an abandoned mental hospital well an abandoned mental hospital isn't that scary. Because it's abandoned. I think it's kind of scary. It's haunted. Oh. You didn't mention that.

Yeah, and it was built... You didn't mention that when you sold it to me. It was built on top of an abandoned amusement park burial ground. There's an amusement park on that Toronto Island as well. Is that where there's the air rides? There's definitely a carousel. Island as well is that where there's the there's definitely a carousel is there an airport there where's the airport the downtown airport is that on the island

yeah it's on part of the island Billy Bishop yeah is that on the naked part or other it's all naked it's so great nude airport very easy for security like I think the nude lifestyle we've been sort of like it's been

relegated to beaches but i think it could go anywhere and also hippie rv culture a city like toronto that has two airports why not have one the smaller one you would be the nude airport yeah that's true that's you know you make a good point like because abbotsford is a nude airport that's the one that's close to here and that's point like because abbotsford is a nude airport that's the one that's close to here and that's always been and going through security is a breeze yeah oh but what's that breeze um being nude all the time seems like it seems incorrect but it seems like something that's a good idea at your horniest. What's that? Did you say almost a horny day?

No, I was going to say at your horniest, but then I said at your horniness, as though it was a royal address. Your horniness. Yeah, I don't know. Clothes, you know? It seems like a real... Because we don't have like... No brainer. We're not draped in hair or scales. We don't have anything that makes animals so regal looking.

But the thing is... We're so pink. The people who are... Well, we are. There's people out there with other skin tones. Absolutely. The people who are draped in hair and scales are the ones who want to be nude the least. Yeah.

Well, no, I'm talking about, like, your reptiles, your apes, your great apes. Oh, yeah. You don't just mean, like... Oh, not my... I'm not even going to be Wolfman. Scale man. Yeah, Black Lagoon creature. Lagoonzo.

So, have you ever gone to the nude park oh yeah that's where i went did you really yeah wow did the short stuff went out into the water you bet have you been to the local the rec beach yeah um yeah as a nude as once wasn't as confident yeah okay um is it because you're in a city where you don't write like you don't know a lot of people in Toronto? Yeah, it's a new me out there. Yeah, I guess if I went to another city, I'd be probably naked most of the time. Yeah. Yeah, like a Detroit. Yeah, you're on a vacation from yourself.

Yeah. Have you been to any nude beach as a nude? Not as a nude. Not as a nude. I went to Wreck Beach when I first lived here because that's everybody just kept talking about. Yeah, everybody does. And it does sound like you're really going to get an eyeful of something. But you mostly just are terrified of seeing somebody that you met that exists in your everyday life. Right.

That was my experience. But you didn't go nude. No, no, no. But I didn't also, there was a lot of people I didn't want to see nude because I didn't want the next time that I see them to have that in my head. Yeah. I've gone with a bunch of friends and now I can picture that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time. Are you picturing it right now? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, yeah, I was talking about, they came up. Yeah, I was in there. Dave, you? Nude Beach?

I've been... I think I went to Wreck Beach as a child, like... As a child-like character. No, as a child with my family. But, like, I remember it was... Like, we have pictures of us there, I think. And it was a cold day, so it was... Everybody's pretty shrunk. Yeah, it was like... No, of us there i think and it was a cold day so it was everybody's pretty strong yeah it was like no no everyone was clothed um but uh no i haven't and i've been to

europe where there's like uh topless all all you can all you can again yeah but uh no it does the whole idea does not appeal to me no yeah i don't know um this is the only no but i hated it why why did you hate about it there's uh just i mean there's obviously the the thoughts of like you're comparing yourself to everybody size wisewise. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then, how did you compare? You just, just as, just like, everybody looks the same, basically. But is it a case, is everybody just looking at everybody else's genitals the whole time? I feel like that's, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what percentage of guys?

I can't help it. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Did you see a lot of guys wearing just a t-shirt and no bottom? Yeah, the people that shouldn't be. Oh, that's a bad look. Yeah. What about somebody who's just wearing suspenders, but it's like just clipped onto their muffin top?

Their skin tags? Yeah. Oh, gross. Oh, gross. But you can't really relax, can you? No. No. Yeah, you let your guard down and then soon you're... Yeah.

Soon you belong to the beach. And somebody's throwing a frisbee at your wiener. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Maybe someday. Maybe... No. Probably not, though. be at your weenie oh yeah i don't know maybe someday maybe i mean no probably not though i mean what do i feel like i'm missing out on anything i think you have to wait until your body gets out of control like in a good way or crazy no no in a bad way oh yeah though yeah like just kind of like like where you look like uh like a like a walking mushroom. Yeah. Like this crazy shape. You look like, what was her name?

Queen Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Yeah. Is she a queen? Princess Ursula? Yeah, she's descended from royalty. But you love Toronto. You're not going to come back. You've had enough.

You'll never come back here. Of the West Coast. I'm going to try Toronto for a little bit longer, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good. Lots of commercials doing, you know, a lot of commercials to audition for and get rejected for. What has been the absolute worst commercial that you've auditioned for? Well, McDonald's.

I went in for a McDonald's commercial once and- They were like, fill in the blank ba da ba ba ba uh uh uh I don't know I don't know

I got it now like it's the new slogan yeah uh I don't know yeah it just puts in brackets

panic but they made me they make you like hold your hands up and act like you're biting into an imaginary hot dog like a baked potato classic McDonald's hot dog

hamburger this is why you could not land that audition so what is this a footlong? so do you have any idea what you're doing why do you keep miming that you're eating corn is this not right

no I hold my hands up though and I think I had nails kind of like what we're rocking here you know a little bit long on a couple of them but like manicured on a couple she calls me out on it.

She's like, next time cut your nails. Just like says it really passive aggressively. Wow. Oh, okay. All right. Great. Here's a... And you did not get this.

No, I definitely did not. I don't know. Because you've been on a lot of commercial auditions. Yeah. Of course. For McDonald's hot dogs. McDonald's corn cobs. Yeah, for the Burger King pudding bowl.

Do you go for a lot of food commercials? Yeah. Is it always pretend that you're eating the thing, or do they ever give you the thing? No, they give you, most of them have a bag of buns. Just a bag of buns to eat. Like you go into McDonald's and they've got these. They're not even the McDonald's buns. They're just like old dinner rolls.

And you just kind of bite into an old dinner roll and like, mmm, so good. Because the way people hold hamburgers in commercials, you did it perfectly. This is not how people hold a hamburger in real life the way that you're you're holding it you got to really show off that burger yeah yeah yeah you're you're showcasing the burger everybody else kind of holds it on the back end terrified that the whole burger is going to slide yeah which it will hands yeah yeah but this that he's doing a show that's like a perfect showcase hamburger. The burger that you get on set isn't the burger that you get in the restaurant.

No, no, absolutely. Can you even bite into the burger you get on set? Or is that like, don't even talk to the burger. I will let you know when I see that McDonald's hot dog for the first time. Let's not put the cart before the horse. Don't make eye contact with the burger while it's on set. First person I tell. Have you got any of these commercials?

I booked a Toyota commercial. And what are you doing it? Walk us through the Toyota commercial. I'm nude. I got my dick out. I get in a car. I act like it in a car. I act like it's a canoe.

The car has scissor windows. Whatever they are. Scissor windows. Oh, my head. Ow! I'm just the uptight, straight-laced guy to the goofy guy. Oh, okay. So you're like, down financing. And he's like, and air conditioning.

And you're like, APR, unapproved credit. One of my actual lines was, I'm doing a spreadsheet. And he was like, Twitter. Telling you about stuff. Facts about cars. I'm doing a spreadsheet. I'm doing a selfie wow um toyota for both kinds of people toyota the hot dog people try your hot dogs yeah uh dave what's going on with you man man? Oh, you were in Toronto. Yeah, I'm still sick. I was just in Toronto for work, then came back, and I'm back.

Yeah. Long story short. Toronto, I did not do anything other than work in Toronto. There's not much to tell. But you went bowling. I did go bowling. Yeah. It was fine. Is there a good bowling place did go bowling. Yeah. It was fine.

Is there a good bowling place? There's bowling downtown. Oh, cool. Have you not been? No, I haven't. What? What are you doing? I think it's called the Ballroom.

Oh, the Ballroom. Yeah. That's expensive. It was. We had a lot of people there to spread out. Like 70 bucks an hour. Well, on a Monday, it's 50 bucks an hour. Yeah on a monday it's uh 50 bucks an hour yeah but if there's wow what's so fancy about this place the food is pretty good i think right i've never been

oh it's a bowling themed restaurant it's uh it's got bowling in the bottom uh uh pub up top ah like you know it's like a pretty like a cool person but pretty lady yeah yeah bowling the bottom like how you describe a mullet haircut so yeah that was fine did you go to a new beach it seems like something must have happened there nothing happened there it was work is work I keep work at work um but here's a thing i've tried lately um i saw this thing on the internet that if you uh eat an apple instead of eating it around the core if you eat it from the bottom up i saw that video too yeah if you hear from the bottom up yeah you don't even notice the core yeah oh really yeah oh weird and so i tried it and it's true you don't do not notice the core you notice the seeds oh yeah yeah

but you don't notice all the seeds and you eat the whole thing other than the stem so it's good you'd recommend yeah huh you know what's crazy is I'm allergic to apples. Oh, you'll never know. Yeah. And I used to eat them all the time and then I was allergic to them. What happens? My mouth feels like it's on fire.

Yeah. It's very unpleasant. It's not life-threatening or anything, but it's enough to just avoid it. But then sometimes I'll see somebody eat, just pick up an apple and eat it. I'm like, ah, the freedom. I wish.

Yeah, it's like seeing somebody just, like, I don't know, like, you know when you see a guy driving around a car and he's not wearing a shirt in the summer? It's like that. That's, like, that's the food equivalent of just eating an apple. Oh, he's one of the lucky ones

yeah exactly man like i don't even know if i can watch somebody eat an apple i get so jealous are there any other like i don't even like apples that much but they are just there it is just that convenient to eat one now it's even more convenient because i can eat it from the bottom up do you ever just do that thing where you bounce the apple off of your arm and then just take a bite every day i try but it hits the floor and it bruises yeah okay what on three okay favorite type of apple one two three ambrosia oh and ambrosia is like a pink uh it's like uh something uh what did you say? A gala. That's like a standard. I think it's just a classic good apple. Yeah, yeah. It's like red, and it's a little bit yellow.

Those ones? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a listener who works in apples. Yeah, yeah, he does. He gave us a bunch of rhymes for how to know which apples are good. How do I know if a spy is good? A northern spy?

Yeah. Oh, well, northern spies for pies, or otherwise. Which is not... Which is everything. That's everything. That means that's good for pies and everything else. Yeah, but man,

it's been a while. I wonder if somebody would just let me watch them eat an apple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think they'd be fine with that? There's probably a fetish community. I don't want to be. Well, do I? Maybe I do want to be part of that. Did you hear?

I like the idea of being part of a community. Did you hear that radio lab about quicksand? No. If you're in quicksand, eat an apple? No, it was about how they felt that they're, like kids today don't know about quicksand. There's not enough cartoons about it. And they felt that like during our childhood, that was a real concern. Like people, kids knew about quicksand.

That was one of my top fears, for sure. And it was in a lot of movies, and maybe it's just not in any more movies yeah and so what they did is they were like how can we find out how many movies had quicksand and they couldn't like there's no database of it they couldn't figure it out you're telling me there's not an international movie quicksand database and then they discovered the quicksand fetish community oh and there's people who were either into watching people be in quicksand fetish community. Oh. And there's people who are either into watching people be in quicksand, people being... Is that the verb? People, you know, having simulated quicksand, people reading about quicksand. Weird.

I don't really know what quicksand even is. I don't even really know what it is either but apparently i just remember from from uh like a scientific whatever thing they did on it when i was a kid that it's not gonna kill you and it's also not sink it's also not just it's not just sand it's it's like a monster at the bottom it's snakes there's monsters. That thing from Star Wars. Yeah, Sarlacc. Yeah. It's water and sand. Oh, yeah, genius?

That's what I've read about it, because in The Princess Bride, quicksand's like a big thing. And I remember, you're right, there was a point in time when quicksand was of the, it was the front page news every other day. Yeah. We were losing all sorts of tankers and politicians. That's how President Clinton died. But it was like a fictional device. Like, it was a real thing, but they would use it in adventure movies. Yeah. Whereas now they will just use hacking.

they would use it in adventure movies, whereas now they will just use hacking. Quicksand, though, the thing that it would affect was, like, construction sites. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like a sinkhole. Yeah. It would be very rare that you would be walking along

and then caught in quicksand, but if you were driving a giant, like, caterpillar, like, that could get sunk. The whole thing, yeah. So, there. That's quicksand. So, is that the thing? Is if you just grow up with a thing,

then if your brain doesn't process it in a certain way, it becomes a fetish? Is that how fetishes are born? Yeah, I don't know. That wasn't the point. Talk about fetishes are born like is it yeah i don't know i i can't that wasn't the point uh because you know how okay in the in the 80s and 90s there were a lot of these like chucky cheese restaurants they're not around as much anymore are there people who that's animatronic band yeah yeah like they can only uh they can only enjoy sex if their partners dress kind of like a kooky character and moves in a certain way.

They can only enjoy sex in a ball pit. While eating pizza. Well, I think that's all of us here. We could all enjoy it more if we were doing that. Oh, God. What do you think the worst generation to grow up, fetish-wise, is? The Depression? But dust is easy to come by.

Oh, absolutely. But see, the thing is, you don't want a fetish that's everywhere. Because then you just would never get anything done. You need a fetish that's somewhat rare. No, but like... Like if every time dust just kicked up, you got a crazy erection. You just wouldn't be able to do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. Oh, really? We are getting it done on this episode. Yeah, aren't we? We discovered how to eat an apple backwards. We know all the car door types. Have you done it? Eating an apple backwards?

No. I wanted to try it the other day, but I ate the apple already. And I was like, oh, I've got core. I can't do it. Have you ever just eaten a core? Mm-mm-mm. Oh, no. Too much.

Too soon. I don't want to. Even as a kid, you remember eating apples, right? Yeah, yeah. I had a crab apple tree in the backyard. I used to pick them up, just eat them. Oh, those aren't good. No, it's great.

Free fruit. Delicious ground fruit. Just bitter them. Those aren't good. No, it's great. Free fruit. Delicious ground fruit. Better fruit. Yeah. Sour. Sour's the day is long. Do you think that Drake song started from the bottom is about eating an apple? Got from the bottom.

Now we're here at the top. There we are. A whole team. Stem. Now we're here. Have you ever valeted Drake's car? Oh. No.

That was... He came in. Really? He came in. Is he... Yeah. Is he... What is he in person?

Thin? Tall? He's a tall man. Oh. Tall. Nice hair. Seems unfair. Seems unfair that he has all that he has at height.

He's got everything. Yeah. What is he missing what can i hold over drake nothing he's too tall can't get up there nope get a ladder um what do i got that drake don't drake don't got a podcast the drake cast oh that's true yeah he does host that yeah uh wow you've got a lot that Drake don't got. Yeah. But, you know, height is not one of them. He doesn't have a beard.

He does, though. He's got a very nicely groomed beard. He's got a nice one. But he's got like a see-through half beard. It's whatever that beard is. Yeah. You have a beard. You're right, guys.

Yours is real. Yeah, it is real. He's real. Yeah. Next year in Jerusalem. Yeah, absolutely. Mazel Tov. Drake's Jewish, isn't he?

Half Jewish? Oh, wow. Yes. Yeah. He did that video with the, he got re-baptized. Not baptized. He got re-circumcised. Baptized in the Jewish religion.

Reburments. A little bit more off this time. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't quite get it all. Yeah. Take a little off the sides. Yeah. We didn't quite get it all. Yeah, take a little off the sides. Can we get a fade on there?

Can you shave a swear word into my circumcision? Oh, man. Yeah, so Jennifer Lawrence came in once. Really? Yeah, she was there. Doing the Toronto Film Festival Hunger Games thing. I'm sure tons of people are joining the film festival. Yep.

Daniel Radcliffe. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He seems like he would be very tiny in real life. Daniel Radcliffe. He's about... He's like my height. So, yeah, you know, he's very tiny. Oh, I see.

Okay, I get it. Did you see him nude? Yeah. Jennifer Lawrence, very beautiful in real life, I imagine. Yeah, she looked... She was fine? She was just, I imagine. Yeah, she looks... She's fine? She's just fine. No, no, she looks how you think.

She's exactly the same. She seems real down to earth. Yeah, that's what I gather from talk shows. I feel like that's a little blown up. Don't you think? This whole, like, oh, Jennifer Lawrence, she says what she wants. She does what she wants. I think it's because, like, if you exist in an atmosphere that is so, has its head up its own ass.

And you have any self-awareness. Exactly. If you have even the type of, like, her self-awareness in the real world, we would be like, you're a psychopath. You have no idea what you are. But in that world, where, like, Jennifer Lopez can go into a place and be like, I need everything to be matching white. Everything must go out of the dressing room. When you're dealing with that, somebody who's like, I like potato chips is like, whoa, what? She's just like us.

So what? I've got cellulite. Thank you. I've been living in shame all this time um speaking of uh things uh when i was in switzerland uh we went to zurich and we walked past that store uh that uh the lady was uh they said the lady was racist to oprah winfrey do you have a picture of it in the store window? Yeah, they're like, she's the lady, I'm the lady. No Oprahs. No Oprahs allowed.

They changed the name of the store. Yeah. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we both had brushes with fans. Okay, yeah. So, Graham, what's up with you? Not too much, because the whole weekend i was uh i was uh out with a cold yeah oh you blamed me for making you sick i mean not blamed i mean i definitely

if uh there was a lineup of people that had a cold and then i had a cold but you would have been in that lineup but you're responsible for your own health no absolutely but am i that responsible is the question no yeah exactly um so i was sick so i watched a lot of netflix over the weekend as you do yeah i watched um uh black fish oh that's that's hilarious so funny so i loved it yeah yeah i think you guys are thinking of black sheep yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No Black Fish. Black Fish is the one where David Spade has to lead the orca around to keep it away from the orca's brother's senatorial campaign. So many antics. It's great.

It's funny. Oh, man. So here's the thing. When the orca is driving the car and it realizes that it's been inhaling nitrous oxide. Yeah. Big fish in a little coat. Yeah. Sing the same songs for a while.

Really loud. Here's the crazy thing. And you grew up in Victoria, so maybe you have... I have no memory of that SeaWorld place. Okay, so this is what was crazy about the documentary. I don't know if this counts as a spoiler, but if you don't want anything spoiled for it, zip ahead five minutes, because...

But it's not a fictional movie. No, no, yeah. Can you get a spoiler in a documentary? Well, this is... It's well... The documentary is well built in that you kind of are like, oh, no, oh, no. And, you know, we've got big up top where it counts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pub up top. Bowling alley down stick. Yeah, it's well built. It's, so the whale that's the titular black fish is, he, now I'm, as far as I understand, whales aren't even fish. No, you are correct. So the people who made this movie, they're wrong. Idiots.

Yeah. No, you are correct. So the people who made this movie, they're wrong. Idiots. Yeah. They called blackfish by the First Nations people. Oh. And the old-timey fishermen called them blackfish because they didn't know that they weren't fish. Right.

So this whale, they capture them from the wild. I guess at some aquariums now they'll have animals that wouldn't be able to survive in the wild. It'll be like a rescue situation. Yeah. They were hunted and brought into the aquarium. And so this whale, like when I was a kid, we used to go to the sea world in Victoria and like see this giant whale. Like it's big even by whale standards.

And that was the whale that like allegedly, or they don't know because they didn't ever do an investigation, but killed a trainer in Victoria. And the whole place disbanded. And they closed it down within kind of a couple months. The whale never, wouldn't talk about it. Yeah. That whale got transferred to the States, to Marineland,

or whatever the chain is. SeaWorld. Yeah. And killed a trainer there. Sweet. And so I was like i like i met a murderer like a serial killer and uh they say in the documentary that all the sea worlds uh all because he's like um a bull so they they used him to impregnate the other whale. So almost all of the whales that are in SeaWorld are related to that murderer whale.

They harvest his semen. And it's a graphic sex scene. It is crazy. It is so crazy, that scene. You've never seen a whale's dung? I had. I used to have a picture. I used to have a lot.

I used to have a picture of my locker. I did. I did. Dave, I told you about this. I had pictures of horses having sex and whales having sex. In my locker. In your school locker. Yeah, yeah. Because everybody else had pictures of pretty girls that they went someday.

And I was like, but what about this? Imagine seeing this live. And then, yeah, the harvesting sequence. Four men holding live uh and then yeah oh the the harvesting sequence four men holding this thing and then just like tickling yeah and the whale loving it yeah not not struggling no um just like uh i mean okay so uh what i learned is that i had i had no idea i had no idea i thought that that whale was dead. I didn't know that they moved that whale somewhere else. You thought it was a murder-suicide?

No, I don't know. I just thought I had no idea. I just remember it was so scandalous, and they shut down the place so quickly, and then I never heard anything about it ever again until this documentary. And I was like, oh, yeah. I totally remember that. Is he still alive?

Yes, he's still alive. And he's still in... And he's only killed two people. No, three. Oh, I haven't seen the movie. I'm not... Seems like a real bummer. It is a real bummer.

But the way you're characterizing it, the whale's the bad guy. I feel like... Oh, yeah, no, I'm not. Yeah, the movie is much better than I've explained it. But the fact is, is this one whale... That's what the movie's about, actually, is not... Is that they were comparing whales to humans, and they were saying, like like this whale was so mistreated

that he's crazy right he's a crazy whale and uh crazy blackfish but they talked about this was a thing too like the dorsal fin right like sags over yeah you see it and they they say all the people at sea world or whatever they all say like oh that's just happens when they're old that's what happens it does happen in the wild though doesn't it very rarely okay they say it like happens like to like five percent or something a low percent but they're like 100 of whales in captivity right it happens anyways it was just like but it was weird because i actually saw that whale and even as a kid you're keenly aware that you're like, this is a strange entertainment. That whale's crying.

Well, and they would blow a whistle, and this gigantic animal could jump up out of the water and hit a ball with its tail. You're like, just the propulsion of it, you're you're like this is not it doesn't make sense you know yeah and you're like i've i've been they used to have killer whales at the aquarium here right and i i remember going as a kid and being like so everyone's signed off on this yeah i guess it's okay uh yeah they feed them fish and right on their. That's nice. And it does very much like when you're watching it, you get that feeling of like, oh, this is like Planet of the Apes. This is like, you know, there's like a couple of apes that realize that the humans have feelings and can talk. And everybody else is like, stupid humans. Apes rule.

But like, is this a scientific place or a circus yeah and that's the thing too is the uh the place in victoria was there was no uh kind of illusion that it was a science affair and i remember because it would go my grandparents lived there and that was all there was to do if you were a kid in Victoria. There was no gardens. I would never brought, there's the undersea gardens, yeah. Miniature world. Miniature world.

And the wax museum. Wax museum. And the whatever museum of history or nature. Oh, yeah. There's a royal. But the underwater gardens, that was the same, right? Same place. I think it was all connected.

You just go down and you see gray fish and it was gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and this place, like, it was. It was weird, but it was the only thing. You would just go. So I went there so many times and then, yeah, it was just like, oh, a trainer died. This place doesn't exist anymore. And it was gone.

It was just gone. And it's a restaurant now. Did they get rid of the fish? When they closed it? Yeah, yeah. They had a big fry up. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know what happened. There's a jar of starfish. Maybe an aquarium is the word I'm looking for. They put them all in a jar yeah i don't know i have no idea what happened i like i say i never even thought about what happened to the whales i just assumed okay well just let them go they go back into nature free their willy free willy it was free willy was based on what? Nothing? Nothing. Pure fiction? Yeah, pure fiction. It's like even when they release them into the wild, I don't think they release them into the actual wild.

It's like a controlled part of the tank of the ocean. It's like a big section. But they're not sectioned off the ocean. I think they do, though. I mean, I guess they could section. I i think they do though i guess i guess they could section like they could maybe section off yeah a little bit of a harbor that is bigger than captivity but like for the beginning is it the same as when a person gets out of prison there's no pod that like the pods like i don't know this guy was in oh yeah weird time is weird keeps like

right yeah because that was the other thing too is in the documentary they all the employees were like this is uh this is how these whales live they live in a pod they're happy they've got their families there and the this scientist like no they grabbed like one is from off the coast of china and this one is off the coast of bc and they don't know he's like if it grabbed like one is from off the coast of china and this one is off the coast of bc and they don't know he's like if it's like if you took a bunch of people and just put them in a room together now you're a family i was like oh god that's so terrible it's like the most terrible thing like you're just here eight people you're a family now and like you don't none of you speak the same language and you're like why are we gonna look at them they're so happy do whales like whale do they speak different languages yeah that's the

thing they're talking about that's stupid they do not they don't even speak one language they do they speak they have different no no no yeah i know it's when when they present the facts you're like oh all of these places should be closed immediately. They should section off half the ocean. We learned a lot. A lot of stuff. Give them half of the ocean. In their settlement.

Out of court settlement. Exactly. We give them the, and not the shitty parts of the ocean. Don't just give them where the, you know, the crab fishermen. Garbage island. Exactly. Plastic floating out. They get to have some of the Miami ocean,

some of that nice Jamaica water. You know, the blue water that everybody goes nuts for. You know, they get some of that. Do you think this murderer whale, if they set him free, or her, I guess he's a he. He's a he. He's a he.

He's a whole ball. He would, if they set him free free do you think he would seek out a trainer to kill yeah probably yeah the weird thing is i set it up for a sequel for that okay good yeah the weird thing about the extraction scene is who were those people doing it they're doing the fetishists people off of wreck beach yeah yeah yeah but like do you think those were people who thought they were going to be in the tank doing the training and they were like you're just not trainer material specific job for you no that's that's definitely you sign up for it no i think it's like you wait you're working your way up. Right. You're like, you want to be a marine biologist?

How bad do you want it? Start at the bottom. It's your summer internship. Yeah, yeah. You're fetching. Yeah, I extracted a lot of semen to get where I am. Yeah, you go out for drinks after and tell war stories. Oh, you do not.

You go home and have a thousand showers. Yeah, what do they wear? Like, big ponchos? No, no, no, they're all in bikinis. It's like a bikini car wash. Even the men. Everybody's just, grab a sponge and just go, just grab, you know, clean that whale. Are they cleaning the whale?

Well, they're gonna give him the mooch. Anyways, really sad, sadjo. Anyways, really sad. Sad documentary. Yeah, not funny. I feel like I did the Mad Magazine, the lighter side of Blackfish. That's nice. Yeah, what would Dr. Kaputnik have to say? Oh wait, Kaputnik's the guy. The whale.

Well, we should move on to a little bit of business. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take care of business.

All right, so that sound, the music that we just played means that it's time. The sound of music? Thank you. It's time for a little bit of business. And we have a new sponsor this week. This week, Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported by Warby Parker. Now, what is that? It's a new concept in eyewear, Graham.

At Warby Parker, they believe glasses should not cost as much as an iPhone. Now, you and your lovely wife. I'm not just a spokesperson. You're not just a shill. I'm a client. I own two pairs of Warby Parker glasses. Those look great. Thank you.

Yeah. And Abby has them as well, right? Yeah. Warby Parker. She's got two pairs as well. Four pair household. it's a four pair household and guess you know what what would four pairs cost you i don't know dollars no yeah these were 200 bucks that i'm wearing wrong i didn't buy them from them yeah exactly oh uh under 400

dollars so 95 dollars uh for a pair of well starting at $95 for a prescription. And you explained this to me. This is a very unique concept because they send you different glasses to try on. See what works. You're not just guessing. Those look good on my action hero, Woody Allen. You actually get them, you try them on, you wear them about. They'll send you up to five pairs for free to try them on, and then you can send them back and you make your order.

But I don't believe that Warby Parker will send them to Canada. Oh, okay. But they have a service on their website where you just upload a picture of yourself and you can virtually try them on. And now here's the cool thing. This is one extra bonus thing that they do for every pair of glasses sold. They distribute a pair of glasses to someone who can't afford glasses. Somebody who needs glasses, can't get them. Warby Parker gives them to them for free.

Pretty amazing business, all in all. Yeah. And there are other services. Like, Abby's bought some glasses that were, like, $30 and got them, and they were terrible. Yeah. Like, these are the glasses I'm wearing now. I want them. Fine.

I do, though. Make him an offer. Well, like, you buy a $400 pair of glasses, and you're like, why is this piece of plastic $400? It shouldn't be. So Warby Parker, glasses starting at $95, a little bit more in Canada, but that's just for shipping. But check this out, Dave. If you go to warbyparker.com spy you will get free three-day shipping that's pretty good yeah so you know what you're saving you're saving not only do i endorse

this product but i endorse it yeah warbyparker.com spy let's move on to overhearts what up though it's your boy jasper red co-host of the goose down along with kimberly clark and some of y'all might be asking yourself what the hell is the goose down it's a comforted food and we want y'all to climb underneath it with us and snuggle up so we can find your ears and things so come check us out at MaximumFun.org. Also available on iTunes. Jill. Hey, I'm Barbara Gray.

I'm Brady Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. And we are Lady to Lady. Each week we talk about our crazy days, our crazy dates, and how perfectly normal and acceptable members of society we each are. That's what we keep telling ourselves anyway.

Why do you guys both have cats in your purses? For every show, we pull up a fourth chair and invite another funny lady to hang out with us for an hour. We're new to Maximum Fun. You can find us on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which, when you're out in the world, you maybe don't have your earbuds in. Maybe you're not paying complete attention to your phone. You pick things up.

And you know this segment. You know what goes on yes would you like to lead the charge would you go first in the overheards okay all right here we go chris wilson hit hit us this was on probably i don't know first week of january here okay happy new year thank you absolutely i was uh shopping in Safeway. Okay. Getting a barbecue chicken. I like to buy the pre-bought, pre-made barbecue chicken. Yeah. Okay. It's delicious.

It is good. Yeah. When I ate meat, it used to be that was an every other day purchase. It's a bachelor's meal. It is. It's a greasy finger meal. Do you cut it up or do you just go with your hands? Oh, no.

I just kind of one sitting, eat a full chicken. Do you ever do anything silly with the carcass once it's done? Yeah, make soup stock. No, like you put it on like a little puppet. Yeah, puppet shows. Yeah, puppet shows. Gross. I will be putting on a puppet show next weekend if anyone wants to.

Of carcass eyes? Carcass, yeah. Carcass. So, shopping. And I overhear a girl on her phone uh shopping in the aisles and she's saying what do you what do you want for dinner what do you want for what do you want for dinner are you listening are you listening to me what do you want for dinner what why are you talking about ghostbusters right now what do you want for dinner

i just wonder the other on the i want to hear the other end so there's this like marshmallow man no what do you want for dinner i want a fankman chicken it's just like green goo are you are you hearing me? Egon Spangler. Every relationship has a thing that they have to get through. And that's theirs. Ray Egon. Dave?

Okay. Mine is from when I went away to Switzerland for Christmas this year. Sorry. Dave. Dave. Dave, don't die. I'm a wreck. And I picked up on the plane.

It was a British Airways flight to London. I picked up the in-flight magazine. And on the cover, someone had written in just in a pen on the cover, go to page 15, 16 and 17 for news. Thanks. And so I went to page 15, 16 and 17. And you walked right into this trap. And it was something. Oh, it was not good uh the person who had written on the front had written a bunch of racist stuff yeah the news yeah uh that's old

news there is an idiot indian in front of me oh leaning his seat all the way down he is a stupid freak i could punch him thank you great yeah i mean he does sound like a stupid freak in fairness you know all the way back wait is it well i want to check his source on this well i guess you gotta give the source the secret uh and so uh and so there's multiple pages of this same message in different words uh but basically the person in front of uh him or her has leaned their chair back all the way which is entirely within their right although not courteous but i feel so bad on planes doing that yeah i know but but people do it to me all the time oh yeah and no one seems to uh give it a second thought i think think people, we can put those,

people who lean their chairs all the way back on planes are in league with people who spit gum and urinals. They're psychopaths. They're not dangerous psychopaths, but they're psychopaths. They don't understand empathy.

They're like that goddamn whale. I just go with, so I don't have to be fully upright. Just press the button. Yeah. Once back. Just a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Press to be fully upright. Just press the button. Yeah. Once back. Just a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Press it back for a moment and then stop. Well, that's, yeah, you're not going into labor. I want torture, yeah. But anyway, this overseen goes on in multiple pages, more than just the 15, 16, and 17 that were advertised. Because I found it in different places. Oh, what? I read the whole magazine. One of them said, I would not sit in front of an idiot if I were you.

It was terrible. Which is not... Yeah, yeah. That's not the correct thing. No, yeah, he wouldn't sit behind an idiot. And then... But he did. But after every one of these things, they wrote, thank you.

Like you do on the news. Yeah. Why were idiots born? Why? Why? Thank you. And then just a few faces of... Of death.

Of... Just like they drew some angry faces. Oh, yeah. Oh, like with teeth. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. Oh, like with teeth. Yeah. Wow. And then elsewhere... And then elsewhere they wrote,

Hey, go to page 15, 16, 17, and 19. Thanks. With news of an idiot Indian. And then at the very bottom, they wrote, Percy Jackson rocks. Oh, wow. There you go. See, that's showing your whole hand. Oh, wait, no.

I misread it. Percy Jackson books, but books is in a heart. So this is a... This is a 14-year-old girl. A 14-year-old racist crazy girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. That good reveal at the end. I thought this was

an adult end for some reason. I hadn't looked at those since I took the pictures. Great. Yeah, it was real down racist lane. My overheard is also I forgot all about it.

I knew it was somewhere on my phone. I had to look it up and, uh. You just couldn't remember the password. Yeah. And, uh, what this, how, basically how this went is, uh, there's a big, uh, hospital downtown. Um. St. Paul's. St. Paul's.

And there was, uh, on the back, I was on the back side of it and walking down the street. And there's a guy sitting on a little wall. And he was kicking it. You know how kids kick out their feet all crazy when they're sitting on a wall? He was doing that, but he was an adult. Yeah. Could his feet reach the ground? Nope.

That's why. Yeah. So he's kicking out his feet. And he was yelling very loud. Nothing obscene or anything. He was just yelling, it's really cold out here! It's cold out here! And then when somebody would walk by, he would say something about the person's appearance. You have a blue coat!

But every time somebody passed, then he would go back to, it's cold out here, I'm cold. And then somebody would walk by, and he would say, your dog is small! And then, it's cold out here. I'm cold. And then somebody would walk by and he would say, your dog is small. And then it's cold out here. And then when I walked past, he said, that girl looks like ZZ Top. It's great. December 19th. It's in your notes. Denoted.

Yep. What did she look like? Do you think so? Huh? Do you think she looked like ZZ Top? That was me. Oh. Yeah.

Did you not get that? I got it. Did you, though? I don't know. Now I get it. Oh, my God. Now, we also have overheards. You got it.

You got it. No, you didn't get it. I don't know. Now I don't know. Did you get it? I don't want to say it. No, you didn't get it. I don't know. Now I don't know. Did you get it? I don't want to say it. Oh, you're an enigma. We also have overheards that were sent in to us from people around this globe.

I don't feel like you got it. I'm not sure that he did either. But I also want to believe. Oh, yeah. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm like Mulder. I got it. The boy was talking about you.

There it is. The boy. It was a grown man. It was a grown man. Yeah. Wait a minute. You're cherry picking facts now. Was it an idiot Indian? Oh, hey, Dave. What?

It's fine when they're saying it in the magazine. Come on. No, no. I was being the person in the magazine. Oh. Can we talk to the person in the magazine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the Percy Jackson books. There it is. I assume they were British. Yes, they have to be. To be that into Percy Jackson books. There it is. I assume they were British. Yes, they have to be to be that into Percy Jackson.

Now, like I said, overheards sent in from around the world. If you would like to send in an overheard to us, send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. Now, this first one comes from Allison S. from Toronto, your current hometown. Your alma mater. I know Allison. She's nice. Yeah. A few years ago, me and some friends were out in Kitchener, Ontario, having some fun celebrating one of the last weeks before graduating university.

Late at night, we decided to go for a walk to the city's public park that happens to have a petting zoo. Thanks for watching. As we sat frozen in squatting positions attempting to avoid detection, the police blared over the loudspeaker. All right, fun's over. Everybody out. We know you're in there. Let's go. And finally, with exasperation, three people cannot hide behind one miniature pony. The real blackfish situation. Yeah, that's a real... That's people really harnessing the college experience.

You get in there, you wake up in the morning, you got hay. You're like, what did we do? What did we do? There's a pony head in your bed. The sea world, the blackfish, are you allowed to touch the whale? So the kids can go up and put their head in the whale's mouth? They did show a video of a kid sitting. The whale comes up on a deck.

And the kid sat. Very for a photo. But that big whale was in you know for a photo big whale was uh in isolation yeah yeah that big whale was in solitary yeah oh he wasn't a showboat no he comes out he does one thing like hey he's a fish yeah no he comes out he got a switchblade he comes out with a shiv yeah stabs an octopus um yeah he is he's in isolation it was it couldn't have been more awesome sad wait um you know it couldn't have been more like just like this is what this is prison this is prison this is what this is it's a watery scary prison um this next uh overheard comes from Heather K In my hometown of Calgary

This overheard comes from the triage desk of a local hospital Are you familiar with triage? Yep Have you been? Nope You gotta Oh yeah A very drunk guy in a wheelchair accompanied by police

I didn't know what triage was I had heard the word Oh it's safe to ask? Thousands of times. Yeah. What is it? It's the part where they of the emergency room

where they decide how much of an emergency you are. Yeah, it's the first line of defense kind of thing. So a lot of drunks. A lot of drunks. Lots of broken legs, broken bones.

So this guy comes in in a wheelchair. I got broken bones. Not from the sticks or stones but from the names that you called me. That's interesting. A very drunk guy in a wheelchair, accompanied by police, was concerned about the possibility of a broken arm. He said extremely loudly and directly to everyone within earshot, If this shit's not broken, I will be happier than a clam who hasn't

had his pearls stolen well done yeah well done uh metaphor oh um yeah are you familiar with metaphors do you want to ask about those um could you do one? Yeah. Metaphor is triage. Right. Light. Of the soul. It's triage. Unsteroid. From hell.

This last one comes from Sean, also from Toronto. I work at York University in Toronto, and I was coming out of class the other day when I heard the following from a student speaking to his professor. Just wait. I'll be so specific next time, you'll wish I talked in broad concepts. And then you'll say, hey, where's the old Neil? Who are you? Yeah, bring back broad Neil. Too specific. Who are you? Yeah. Bring back broad meals.

Too specific. Anyways. Really enjoyed that. Kept it in Canada on those overheards. Yeah. I'll try to go international on the phone call overheards. I'm coughing like some kind of a metaphor. Yeah. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328.

Like these people here. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is an overheard. My name is Emily. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. And I was in Whole Foods yesterday. And there was a couple on a first date, and the two ladies were talking to each other

and getting all the usual stuff out of the way, like how many siblings do you have, what do you do for a living, yada, yada. And then the one girl said, how did you come out to your parents? And the other girl answered her and then asked her, how did you come out to your parents? And the girl goes, well then asked her how did you come out to your parents and the girl goes well my parents are dead so i didn't really have to that was pretty great i used the ouija board um i mean anytime i'm on a ouija board everyone everybody comes out every yeah well everyone moves their hands to make it say Dave is gay.

I don't think it's very funny. It's a ghost. They're trying to tell you something. Yeah. Whole Foods is a first date. You kind of scoffed. You were like, whole. But it's not the worst place for a first date. No, it kind of gets you.

I mean, it's like a fast forward to the 10th date. Oh, yeah. that's true. Because all of a sudden you're like, shopping? Yeah. Have we moved in together? Yeah, exactly. Well, I've got to pick up some salt. I'm still here anyway, so I've got to pick up some salt.

I went to Whole Foods because I wanted to pick up salt. Because I need a $45 little jar of salt. But, you know, you've seen the salt there. They got, like, this crazy. It's, like, it's not even white. It's just like, you know, it's like. They scraped it off blackfish. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm talking about? It's like pink salt. Yeah, and, like, truffle salt. Would you. They've got salt from France. Infused salt. If you were anywhere pre-Whole Foods existing and they brought out something and then there was pink salt on the table, you'd be like, oh, somebody pranked your salt. Yeah.

You bring me some of the regular pure white salt. Yeah, that's skin flakes. Someone's trying to turn you cannibal. Somebody put some brine shrimp in your... Do you think you could get turned cannibal by eating a little bit of human flesh? Dave, I turned cannibals just by listening to Fine Young Cannibals. Oh. It drove you crazy?

Yeah. I don't think... Like, honestly, I think if you ate... Like, somebody prepared a human leg and made it look like a turkey leg, and you ate it, you would have no idea until they unveiled the face. Here's what you were eating. Yeah. A blindfold commercial. We told you this was leg of lamb.

Yeah. But it was leg of Stan. Yeah, see, here's the... Sam would have been better. I like that there's, like we call lamb, it's just, like, it's all lamb or pork. But if it's humans, it would have to have a name. You're eating Diane. You're eating Summer. You're eating Summer.

This person's parents were hippies. Yeah, you could tell. Great fit. But no, seriously, do you think he could turn cannibal? Yeah, of course. Because if it's prepared right. Isn't there a thing like if you feed your dog human blood, he'll thirst for it? And then he'll become a good attack dog or kill you.

I wonder how... I don't actively wonder... 24 hours a day. Yeah, but I do wonder what kind of meat a human would make. Because we are pretty sedentary. And so are cows. And we do eat... We take a lot of antibiotics and stuff. So we're not like – like the meat would be good theoretically.

We treat ourselves very much like the cows and pigs. That's true. But like – I assume we'd be pretty good meat. I don't think I've ever eaten a 30-year-old animal. No, that's true. Well, I did eat that one, that tortoise, that one that just died. I ate him it was 200 years old

I was in on a I was in on a kickstarter to eat that eat that turtle tortoise hi Dave hi Graham hi possible amazing guests this is Julie in northern california

and i just wanted to tell you about a sighting i went out to lunch to one of guy fieri's restaurant the meal was good but as we walked in guess who was there with his crew and we sat next to him for lunch and he was very loud and um raucous and then when he was getting ready to leave about half an hour later he's grabbing up lots and lots of to-go bags and laden himself down with like 10 to-go bags and then as he was leaving the back door he hollers out come on ladies i didn't remember seeing him with any ladies I look over and his crew of portly gentlemen got up from the table and followed him out like a bunch of little babies. And it was quite hysterical. And his hair was perfectly quaffed, sticking straight up.

But I didn't see his hairdresser with him. Of course, he doesn't film me. He's just having lunch. Wow. That's amazing. I would... Are you familiar with Guy Fieri? I am, yes.

What are your thoughts? Great hair, great goatee. Yeah, great man. Great man. Great patron. I'm more familiar with that Bobby Moynihan impression of him, though, really. Yeah. On SNL.

It's good. Well, he... Like, it's weird because he's got supposedly everyman appeal. But everyman doesn't dress like him and do crazy hairdo like him. Yeah, no one wants that guy as a friend. Yeah, like, you know when they say, like, John Goodman's got everyman appeal? You're like, yeah, I see it. But Guy Fieri doesn't.

But maybe I don't know what the everyman looks like Isn't it just like Is that the same concept as people vote for the person they'd like to have a beer with? Yeah Not a beer with him, I suppose Guy Fieri would eat a human being No problem Yeah, yeah, wouldn't even notice

Yeah, he He cooked up One time he ate his whole left hand Yeah, but he grew back like a starfish guy's hair is unkillable his hand is just a star yeah he's got two starfishes for hands but they're deep fried he made a deal with the devil to be famous and the devil was like okay two conditions you have to be ugly and you have starfish what he? He's not ugly. He's very hot. He's got hot, bleach blonde hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spiky. He wears this girdle. That's my favorite thing about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he does. No, he doesn't. He does not wear a girdle.

He just has a super flat stomach and a giant upper body. Yeah. And just meat pouring out over a mystery thing in the middle. Yeah, mystery muscle there's this restaurant by my house in Toronto that's only claimed to fame

is that Guy Fieri came in and tasted that tasted their pulled pork sandwich oh that's it for the show? yeah for the show there's a place here

this is a weird thing that he does there's a place here that he went to a Chinese restaurant and he there's's a place here that uh he went to a chinese restaurant and uh he there's a few places yeah that's right and went to meat and bread as well he will spray paint a thing basically vandalizes your restaurant with a picture of himself on the wall yeah yeah and they've got that they've got a little frame can you imagine anybody else walking into the place eating a thing that they didn't pay for and and then vandalizing the place on the way out? Everybody's bragging about it.

Apparently, you pay him. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. To come to your restaurant. He would be very easy to kill. Because you just pay him to come to your restaurant, poison his food, and he's dead. Or, no, he walks and you shoot him in the face. Yeah, I mean, I guess everyone's easy

to kill. In that sense, yeah. Just shoot a person, sure. Too bad he's unkillable. Yeah, oh yeah, starfish hands. I forgot. Just blocks it with his starfish hand. Grows back. Then he deep fries it and just eats his hand really slowly when he's bored.

I feel like starfish is an underused food. Like, I've never seen anyone eat it or, like, cook it. I've never heard of it. I've never's bored i feel like starfish is an underused food like i've never seen anyone eat it or like cook it i've never heard of it i've never heard of chocolate starfish is a dessert that everybody loves but it seems like it's the perfect like there's no you know uh exoskeleton or endoskeleton yeah it, it's probably kind of crunchy. Yeah, I imagine if you deep fry it, it tastes like whatever else. A scallop. Would you deep fry it whole,

or would you cut off the arms? I don't know. I think you'd cut off one arm, because then it's renewable. I think you would serve it on its back with the legs up, and then you peel it like a... Like a blooming onion?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, how about it, science? Yeah, get to it. Do we have one more over here? We sure do. All right. It must taste really bad, though, right? I think it's too hard, because they're quite hard, starfish, when you pick them up.

They're like rock. So I don't think there's anything... There's a fleshy part in there somewhere, right? Maybe not enough, though. Yeah. Like an urchin is hard, but has a fleshy part. Yeah, but people don't eat... I guess they do.

People go through the effort of eating crab. Yeah. People will eat anything. Yeah, it is. It is. All right. Final over. Hi, Dave, Graham, and guests.

This is longtime first-time bumper, Ryan L. from Santa Barbara, California, calling in with an overheard. So I was at the supermarket yesterday, and there was a middle-aged couple that was browsing the dessert section, and the woman, I noticed she picked up this box of, like, s'mores-flavored ice cream sandwiches. And so she had the box in her hand, and she turned to her husband or boyfriend and said, Ooh, s'mores.

What are s'mores? Why do you need to jazz up an ice cream sandwich? I know. It's already an ice cream sandwich. It's already perfect. Boy, oh boy. People are spoiled. When I first heard of an ice cream sandwich, I was a kid.

I was at my friend's house, and he was like, do you want an ice cream sandwich? And I said no. Yeah. Because I thought it was going to be on white bread. Terrible. Yeah. And it also sounds like somebody's going to a trick to you like a hurt yeah you want an ice cream sandwich just the old hurts donut yeah what would i don't know what an ice cream

sandwich would be it's be cold you know and just being squeezed between two things maybe they slam the freezer door on your head that's perfect uh wow. So that brings us to the end of the show here. Now, you've got some shows that you got to pitch here, Chris Wilson. We've got some shows coming up. So get your pitch on. Here we go. Whoa! Is that it?

Yeah, that was it. That's part of it? There's a Vancouver Sketch Comedy Festival coming up on the 23rd to the 25th. Where can people go to buy tickets? VancouverSketchFest.com Okay. Yeah. And who's here?

It's yourself. You've got the Peter and Chris. Peter and Chris on the 25th with Mark and Kyle and Mark Little and Kyle Dooley

from Picnic Face. Past guest, Mark Little. Yeah. Future guest, Kyle Dooley. Absolutely. I don't know.

We'll see got Charles they're a group from Seattle okay they're very funny and they're doing a show with a group called

Lady Stash who are from Toronto great great group very funny yeah and you good pitch

you Peter and Chris you're Canadian Comedy Award winning sketch duo like this is this is the real deal this is what we do yeah This is what we do. Yeah.

This is what we've chosen to do. Yeah, absolutely. So, vancouver sketch fest dot com. vancouver sketch fest dot com. All right. It's all on Granville Island. All right there. You can't have more fun than that.

We're going to San Fran sketch fest too, so if anybody knows that. Yeah. When's that? We're going down there. Our shows are February 6th and 7th. Cool. Yeah, we had people calling from Santa Barbara. Was that a show in the 80s?

Yeah, Santa Barbara. A Knott's Landing? Absolutely. Yeah, I used to fantasize about Santa Barbara. Oh, not the people on it? No, just a guy named Santa and a lady named Barbara. Oh, yeah. Doing it.

Now, also in the mode of plugging, the 22nd, which this will come out on Monday or Tuesday, the latest. And so that is a Wednesday. Yeah, Ring-a-Ding-Dong Dandy, edition five, the wrestling and comedy show where we watch wrestling clips. And just to make fun of them, this is great fun.

Anything big planned this time? Should I not have asked that? No. Did I ruin everything? No, it's just always great clips. And we've got myself, Ryan Beal. We've got the great Kevin Banner as our ref announcer. And it's a fun night.

And also, each and every Monday at Havana, the Laugh Gallery. Happening. Making it happen. Five bucks. You can't beat it. I mean, if you can beat it, you bring me the receipt from the other comedy show that was cheaper. I'll match it. I'll match it.

Absolutely. And do you have anything to plug? Oh, I don't know. Why don't you head over to MaximumFun.org for the recap of this episode where we will feature all videos and

photos from things we've mentioned in this episode, such as... Blackfish. Nude beaches. Some hilarious videos from blackfish. Yeah, the outtakes. Yeah, nude beaches. I'm not posting pictures of nude beaches.

This is the internet. You could get in trouble. Oh, yeah. That bowling alley. The fancy bowling alley you guys talked about. Balls for all. Oh, ballroom. That's right. I could open my own bowling alley. The fancy bowling alley you guys talked about. Balls for all. Oh, ballroom. That's right. I could open my own bowling alley. Trump Hotel.

Oh, Trump Hotel. Yeah, we're going to post pictures of all of our... Oh, you know what I'll post pictures of? The weird doors. Different doors. Oh, the one, the pop-up one. The canopy top? Yeah, yeah. That one's the weirdest. Scissor windows. If they're there. If you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at maximumfun.org or 206-339-8328.

Thanks for being our guest. Thank you for having me. It was a treat. It was a blast. Good luck with Sketch Fest. Thank you very much. Yeah, man. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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