Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 307 - Nicole Passmore

Episode Date: February 4, 2014

Nicole Passmore returns to talk raves, Swedish candy, and town bullies. Plus Drunk Dials!

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 307 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who forgot his iPhone upstairs and it's just killing him, Mr. Dave Shumka. Because I don't want to be here. I want to be elsewhere.

I don't want to be in your thing. I want to be in cyberspace. I want to be a cyberpunk with my cyberpunk friends i want to go live in a world of ones and zeros yeah you want to hack into the main frame that was weird in the matrix that the like the most futuristic thing they could come up with was uh uh green letters or numbers on a black background oh the future but it's you know it's the future the past we're all connected no they did come up with uh more futuristic things than that do you know it's the future the past we're all connected no they did come up with more futuristic things than that you know that uh what's his name's reprised his role it'll be over by now when this airs but in a super bowl commercial neon dion sanders yeah

neo dion from the matrix yeah um our guest, a returning guest, very funny lady. We're very glad to have her back. Miss Nicole Passmore. Oh, hi. Is it miss or missus? Well, I'm not married. Oh. Well, I'm not married, everyone.

So. So what? Come up and see you? Yeah. Come over and see it? Come over and see it? Come over and see it? Graham! Hey, fellas, come over and take a look at it.

Give it a gander. Wow. Why don't you come over and look at it? Yeah, that's the modern-day version, right? Do we want to get to know us? I do. Get to know us. Now, as the show begins, Graham has looked up and noticed it.

Oh, there's a big spider on the roof. On the ceiling, yeah. But you're not afraid of spiders. It's a father of long legs. Or grandfather. A daddy of long legs. Well, we don't know if he's the daddy. I do

He's got swagger Is that the difference between a father and a daddy? It's a little bit swaggy? I don't know what the difference between a father and a daddy is I've got neither I'm just kidding I have a really nice dad What's he do?

He's a spider Well he crawls around ceilings. My dad's an engineer. Okay. Spiders are like engineers with the web. Oh, yeah. The webcasting. Also, they're a lot

like millennials. Now, when you were last on the podcast, you were about to host a party a fit a party a party and um and we and we did uh and as promised i was not pleased with it um you were not pleased with how it turned out or you're not pleased i didn't i didn't really ever want it to happen much it was the summer solstice party that happened not on the summer solstice oh yeah right my roommates wanted us to dress in flowing summery gowns did you no what did you wear overall well at the beginning of the party, I came up in pajamas.

And then halfway through the party... The theme of this party is the party is over. The theme of the party is time to leave. Get out. Yeah, no, I... I do actually remember what I wore. Who wore it better? I don't know. but me oh now come on nicole graham you said this would be like a sleepover is it not i'm giggling like a three

and i promised i would bring my sleepover with a three-year-old I think he's too young. No, he's fine. He's fine. He seems scared. No. We told some ghost stories. Watch some pornos. It's fine. Dave.

Watch some pornos. Well, at my slumber party. We watched the pornos. Did you guys watch porn at slumber parties? Turn off and go right to bed. No, we watched sort of like Porky's. Like a whatever. Oh, like a romp. Yeah, like a Randy movie.

Starring Randy Quick. Oh, Spider's over here now. We I forgot that you were on this recently. We usually don't like to have guests more than once a year. But I think it... We think you're great, though.

Oh, of course. It works out really well. You just looked above me with my head. It's the spider. Guys, it's just a spider. No, it's your dad. This is getting weird. When she had that party last,

was that when you were talking about your party experience where you locked out all your room? You put a padlock on your door so no one would go in your room? Which was the exact right move because I was telling... I don't know if I said this on the podcast or not, but I remember we were talking about it today because my roommate's having another party tomorrow night and I'm like busting out the padlock again.

Because as soon as I got home, and I was like, I'm going to go to bed. I closed my door, and two seconds later, some dude, I heard him on the other side of the door say, let's go rummage around, and he opened up my door. And I was like, you cocksuckers. I knew this was going to happen. Were they cocksuckers? Yeah, yeah was going to happen. Were they cocksuckers? Yeah, yeah. It was great.

Turned out well. But yeah, so are you, why did you give like an acknowledgement, like, are you going to this party at my house tomorrow? Yeah, I was invited. Ah, shit. I don't think, I don't know if I'm going, but don't tell Andrew. It's too late. It's already over.

By the time this podcast comes out, the Super Bowl's over as well. Who are your best? Seahawks. Wait, are they one of them? I was going to say Mariners, but that's baseball. No, it's the Seattle Storm of the WNBA. What's the other city?

The Reno Red Hot Chili Peppers. Minneapolis. Maybe we'll get there. Yeah, the Minneapolis maybes. It's Bruno Mars? Bruno Mars versus Red Hot Chili Peppers. Great. And then there's the puppy bowl.

Battle of the sexes. Is the puppy bowl still on? Yeah, where they mash all these puppies up in a big bowl and make guacamole. Yeah. That was... Why did you say that? I guess I got a lot of rage. Oh, boy.

The spider's right behind you, Dave. I do not like the eyes going from... Do you want me to take it out? No, no. I'm fine with that. It's fine. I just pick them up by their legs and put them outside. What else is new? It's the little skitterer

ones that scare me. Yeah, no, those ones are worse. Absolutely. What else is new? Not scare me. Yeah. Your party went well. My party went well. I did a lot of hiding. Our neighbors across the street had a party as well. Whoa. Same night?

Yeah, same night. So we had an alley party. I kept kind of leaving. There were a lot of chips floating around. So that was a success. That was a coup. Did you ever change out of pajamas? Well, I changed into tights.

Tights are just pajamas. I was essentially in pajamas all night But I was making a statement What was your statement? Get out of my house There is a store On a couple blocks from my house Called Rave Reup

No And I've never been in it Oh is that the pot? No The big pot leaf? Oh I know what that place is What is that place? That place is like a deli slash

pot smoking joint. Gotta get out of this city. But the rave re-up, I think it's secondhand rave clothes. Oh, where is this? Just on Broadway, like Fraser. Gross, gross. My skin's crawling

just thinking about it. And I went to their website and it was like a big fit like the the front page of their website is why you need a um a onesie why you need an adult onesie but now am i wrong in saying that rave clothes are almost entirely used in a situation where people are sweating perfusion yeah absolutely so that would be like going to a second-hand towel warehouse yeah getting people's old exercise clothing if those people had already done i don't get the the jimmies out of this kind of but i mean have you ever have you guys ever gone to the gym on e yeah exclusively yeah i go to i go to a rave gym yeah yeah you go and it's all black like impossible to see yeah if the machine is working or being used yeah on

the elliptical there's like a um a pacifier that you suck it takes your pulse just attached to it also are raves still a thing and why? Oh yes Sorry Yes Dave Yes but you with the why Why I don't know Kids need to dance

I went to raves as a teenager Did you really? So what was your experience with it? You took a lot of You took some molly No I never And then you went out I'm not going to say whether or not I've done drugs

But I didn't do drugs at raves. Do you think? Way to sidestep the issue, Mrs. Passmore. Oh, I'm a missus now that I sidestep. And that you've done drugs. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right.

You're married to the needle. I won't say whether I've killed anyone, but I haven't killed any white people. Dave! He's got a lot of rage. You have too many rages. Now, you used to go to rages. Yeah, I used to rage. Yeah, no, I went to raves.

So, how did it work? Tell me everything about a rave. It was awful. Not at the time it wasn't. At the time you loved it. No, even at the time it was awful. But, like, it is everything that you thought it was. It was people getting high and, like, force hand massaging you.

Whoa. Like, oh, wait, hand massaging your hands? They loved giving you hand massages. That sounds okay. It was, but how many strangers do you They loved giving you hand massages. That sounds okay. It was, but how many strangers do you like touching you? Oh, none. Wait, at a time? Wait, in my room?

That have broken into my room? How many strangers? How many do you want rummaging your hand? Situations where I want strangers touching me. In midair and my parachute is an opening. Oh, yeah. Good call. Great.

Drowning. Drowning. CPR. No questions asked. Sex romp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Blackout sex party. The scene in Porky's where I put my penis through a thing in the bathroom wall. European muscles. To a hand dryer. put my penis through a thing in the bathroom wall. A thing in the bathroom wall. To a hand dryer? Oh, that does seem like it would be a scene. Modern Porky's? We'll put it in the air blade. The directions just say

to put my head in and out. Okay. For the listener, we're recording this later at night than usual. yeah it is isn't it it's a silly cast yeah so we're all ready we're so you would go to these raves would you go with a friend or a team friends friends i had so i had like um three high school best friends two of whom were twins who were insane who are insane are you still friends with them kind of i'm like not friends with one than the other um no i was also oh where did you have do you have twin friends no no you're twin friends i'm friends with one of them that's weird do twins

ever have just one of them as friends with someone or do you gotta it's a package deal sometimes well i know this other set of male twins. One of them I'm friends with and one of them I'm not. So twins, Nicole, and then some other girl. Who was the other girl? What was her deal? Her deal? She was my twin.

I should have mentioned that. We were two sets of twins. I don't know. She was like a sweet, nice girl with British parents. Until she got on the rave floor. Until she got on the rave dance floor. So wait, what was... Because there's four of you, so that's in the traditional scheme of the four teams.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Right? There's the enforcer, the wild card, the strategist, and the... There's the cute one. Yeah, yeah. The funny one, the shy one yeah yeah like the funny one the shy one and john yeah so who what who are you were you enforcer no were you the planner who planned

not you one of the twins okay one of the twins was a plan who enforced one of the twins. Okay, one of the twins was the plan. Who enforced? One of the twins. This four model. What does that leave? Where does this come from? A-team? Yeah, like a heist movie, too, or something. Or A-team. Okay, well, then what are the other two? So wild card is Murdoch.

Enforcer, wild card, planner, and then kind of like the dashing kind of romantic way. The face man. The face man. I would have been wild card. You're wild card. You were Mr. T. No, he's enforcer card. You're wild card. You were Mr. T. No, he's enforcer. Oh yeah, right. You were Murdoch.

Wait, I'm more intrigued by Dave's. The pretty one? Oh no, the pretty one is the Beatles. The cute one, the shy one. Was it quiet one? Whatever George was. So you were the enforcer no wild card so then the other

one the one that you say was nice yeah she was this planner or the enforcer no one of the enforcer was the other twin right i wish i had my phone right now um i don't know raves were just yeah we used to go i don't and did And did you ever smooch anybody? Yeah, I must have. You never did any drugs, hey? Kissing is a drug in itself. Sure, yeah. I don't know if you've been hopped up on pheromones.

Yeah, your love is my drug. Kesha taught us that. Kesha. What did you do with your old clothes? See, that's the worst part. Honestly, I've owned some of the things that you probably see. Like I had like those pants. Oh, like the giant?

Not super big. No, not the like super big ones. But I had like the kind of canvas. Oh, I hate myself so much right now. I had stuff that would fit at a rave. Like a super straight-legged... I wanted a pair of bright orange cargo-esque canvas pants. Wow.

Did you think you would do this forever? No. Like when you were in high school, were you like, this is a lifestyle? I don't think there's that many things I've ever done that I've genuinely enjoyed. There was always a part of me that was like, I don't want to be here. But my friends and I were like, we were a team and we did all that kind of stuff. That's a weird thing about adolescence. that's a weird thing about like adolescence uh like your unsupervised leisure time when you were figuring out oh is this what people do let's hey let's go hang out in a pool hall

yeah and you did end up with a crew that generally were not people if you had to pick a group of friends this was not the group well Well, speak for yourself. I mean, you're also speaking for me. But I'm sure there are people who got to choose. I don't think, I think most people don't. I think, well, maybe popular people get to select. But I think, right? Don't you just kind of, don't you just get squeezed into a social group and then you're like, I guess these people are i liked all my high school friends i'm still like them but they weren't but i'm still friends with a lot of them but the i'm remembering back to the people i hung out with and it wasn't

necessarily the people i liked the most well no that's what i mean it's like you you just end up with whoever on friday night has a car and is interested in hanging out with you you have no real say so i remember like spending an entire weekend with people that i was like not even that interested in as friends but it's just like i guess you guys are my social group for this i'm the spell i became really um for a year i was a hermit i didn't like i wouldn't go out in high school. But you would go to school? I would only hang out, yeah, I would go to school.

I wasn't, like, actually a hermit, but. That would have been awesome. Yeah, it would have. High school hermit. Oh. You guys, you guys. Oh, yeah. We've got to sell this movie.

We've got it. This is going to be like Twilight times a million. For that year, though, I was really popular because everybody wanted to be the one to convince me to come to the parties. But I would only hang out with my three friends and we would only hang out with people from other high schools. Oh, you should have shown up at a party dressed as a werewolf. Just not talk to anybody all night. They would have just built the mystery. Oh, she's so weird.

She's the high school hermit. Like from the book. High school hermit. By C.K. Gramton. Calvin Klein Gramton? Calving, flying, Brampton. Calving, flying, Brampton? So the Hermit, how did that work?

Like you would just go straight home from school? Yeah, I would go straight home from school. I made a bag of pasta every single day and somehow didn't end up like... Wait, wait, wait. Like for lunch? At like 4 p.m. I would eat an entire bag of pasta. Wow. And then have dinner? And then I would have dinner.

This was before Atkins. You were carbo-loading for dinner before Atkins was invented. Wow. Would you just like walk around with a bag of pasta at school? Just like a hot spaghetti? And just like, ugh. No. Weirdo. Would you just eat around with a bag of pasta at school? Just like a hot spaghetti?

No. Would you just eat it without sauce? No, sometimes sauce. Sometimes butter. Oh, yeah, like a butter noodle. Just buttered noodles. I would do that, too. I would have a butter noodle just because you're a kid and you don't know what to do. But it's not that delicious.

Yes, it is delicious. It's not as good as sauce. Shut your mouth. It's not as good as butter and garlic. Butter and garlic is good. It's pretty good. Yes, it is delicious. It's not as good as sauce. Shut your mouth. It's not as good as like butter and garlic. Or butter and anything. Now, did this mysterious air that you brought to high school, did it net you any suitors? Yeah. Oh, really?

But only weird guys who are like. What? Why do you think I am horrible oh who are these guys well a couple did go on to become criminals my elementary school crush like my first quote-unquote boyfriend um he used to pick me up did you guys have like rainy days in elementary school where you were allowed to stay inside and watch movies? Oh, not watch movies. Not watch movies?

What do you mean? Instead of recess? Instead of going outside if it was too terrible out, they would play movies. We didn't really. During recess, during lunch. So they'd play, like, the Muppets movie or whatever. Awesome. And I had this grade four boyfriend who used to come and pick me up outside of my class in an imaginary car and open the door for me. And I would get in, and then we'd putt-putt down the hallway into the room where the movie was playing.

And the whole time I remember thinking, I am so proud of who I am. I'm going to be this way forever. This is going to be like the rave thing I give up on. Seeing people stare at me and just being like, nope, not giving this up. Wow. And then he left school. And I remember the day he told me he was leaving. Yeah, it was imaginary, like car.

He told me he was leaving school. And as he was telling me i was being very dramatic and i had like drawn a heart in the gravel on the field and put our initials in it with my foot this is forever looking away being like wow dl plus np um and then after high school, I found out that he was an arsonist. He never got over you. Maybe that's it. I thought it was going to be like he carjacked people or something with cars. Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry. That was a red herring. No, it's a red herring. But no, some normal people had crushes on me. Okay. That's nice. I didn't doubt it for a second. That was Dave's sound.

Dave did. Well, no, it was because of the whole hermit thing. That's true. You thought it was all guys that thought a plastic bag blowing in the wind. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever? I had a lot of those. Yeah?

Yeah, I had a lot of those. A lot of guys who are finding their feelings yeah yeah oh my god at the bottom of a bottle a lot of mixtapes with like you know death cab for cutie and get up kids and then like uh built to spill and just like it progressed to like cassio tone for the painfully alone. It does, you sound wistful for it, a little bit. A little bit. Yeah.

A little bit. It was a better time. I wonder, yeah, because you, there is something to the, because there was a couple of gals like that in high school. This was in high school. Yeah, yeah, couple of gals like that in high school this was in high school yeah that were that were like that they would kind of ditch class and like maybe uh had a millionaire boyfriend or something so then you were like like they were super mysterious and they like dressed better or dressed you know like it was kind of like they were an undercover adult heard you heard like rumors that like oh yeah, she's a model in Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No one could see the pictures or anything. No, but there was kind of a culture or a legend built up around this person. And yeah, I think one of the gal's names was Jen Stefnik was one of those girls. With a name like that. Well, and she had a boyfriend. And he looked like he was a genuine rock star. He looked like he had just come off the road from 1975. And he was more adult than anybody else in the high school.

And he was her boyfriend. You didn't know what they did on the weekend. But he had a cool car. At what age were you when you know what they did on the weekend but he had like a cool car at what age were you when you realized that cool people are the worst i still don't think i've realized it in full i still assume that in the inner inner inner i know i'm tricked by it all the time yeah yeah like you see a picture of george clinton you're like god that guy's the best well i have a feeling a feeling he is. But see, that's the trick. It's like, he is the cool guy.

We're all like, yeah, it would be really cool to hang out with him. Would it? I don't know. Name somebody that you think is cool. Insert your George Clooney replacement. Anybody? Pennenteller? Is it Pennenteller?

Pennenteller? Well, which one is it? Who's the dark-haired, bigger dude? Penn. Penn. Gillette. Penn owns like a compound in Las Vegas that has armed security guards all around it. Because he's so paranoid of people discovering his magic tricks.

So he's like this violent millionaire. So yeah, I'd choose Penn over George Clooney. Yeah, it's cool. But no one thinks Penn is cool. Yeah, I wonder if maybe I just, I think I always did this and still do it as an adult, where it's like, oh, that person's cool. I don't think so. Who do you think's cool?

The Chemical Brothers? Something to do with raves? No. Guys, I don't go to raves. It was a year and a half out of my life. That's a long time. Well, I didn't go to raves. It was a year and a half out of my life. That's a long time. Well, I didn't go to that many. How many?

Your hands look really relaxed. See those hands? I am wringing them. You're just like, oh, hey. I've been chasing that head for such a drag. High school hermits coming back out. I want to run. Want to run? Speak to me, Catelli.

You're my only friend, Bagel Pasta. I named one of my cats' last names after Catelli, but I changed it slightly so it would sound more Italian. Oh, man, you were the mystery girl. So her name was Whiskers Castanelli. Okay, that's pretty good. Catelli is the homophobic brand of pasta, isn't it? No, that's Barella. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the one where the lady's throwing the dinner party and the pervert across the street drops off some spaghetti. Here, eat these noodles. That's what the note says. Put my noodles in your mouth. Fun. Dave, what's going on with you? Yeah, Dave.

Well, you guys. Not a heck of a lot. Here's the thing I saw today. It was a guy. Do you ever go to like a grocery store and you bring your own bag, like a canvas bag? Yeah. Or in my case, you intend to. Yeah, I intend to.

Every time. Most of the time I do. Yeah. Conscious. Yeah. I'm conscious. Yeah. Yeah, intend to. Every time. Most of the time I do. Yeah. Conscious. Yeah. I'm conscious. Yeah. Yeah, Graham. I'm breathing and self-aware and awake. No, I mean, you know what I mean. No. Mostly awake. Don't you, though?

No. You can be unconscious. Guys, I'm just being counterculture because we talked about George Clooney, so now anyone who says anything, I want to challenge. Who's the anti-George Clo challenge. Oh, Penn Jillette. Steve Buscemi. I bet whoever it is, they're best friends with George Clooney. Yeah.

Oh, it's that pig. Yeah, that is what makes George Clooney down to earth. He owned a pig and slept in the same bed with a pig. That's pretty cute. For like 16 years. Yeah, and he let the pig. Kiss him? You know, all sorts of things.

Yeah, second base. Feel his boobs. Feel his boobs with his boobs. Yeah. Well, today I saw someone carrying one of those bags, but it wasn't canvas or whatever nylon or whatever material you would use for your reusable bag. It was like fishnet. Oh, wow.

And so there was stuff like sort of poking through the holes, and you could see everything that this guy had bought. Do you think it was like a literal fishnet? No, it was shaped like a bag. It had handles on it. Do you think it was from a recycling, an upcycling? Oh, like, you know, we take old... Rave clothes and turn them into shopping bags.

Yeah, we take old sexy lady fishnets and turn them into shopping bags. It was a burlesque bag. Or maybe it was, yeah, a from a nautical store yeah exactly but that's all they could afford i guess i'll buy it one of these i guess a lot of the stuff at the rave re-up place would smell like fish too ah it's true i don't know why because of the uh non-stop anchovy eating that goes in and there's a lot of like uh uh hey when you went to raves did you ever go to like any like illegal uh like oh it's in the you know the the basement of a buddhist church or like really the hull of a ship yeah weird ones no hull of a ship but what was the

weirdest one oh and it cost 90 to go yeah that was the weird part like there were ones that were like 10 or there were ones that were like 120 what was the difference the bigger ones that you'd pay more for were like i never knew who any of these djs were but we're like the bigger name djs and bigger bigger venues more people yeah dj jesse paul oakenfold yeah that kind of thing um tiesto a bunch of people terresto oh the one that uh lindsey lohan had an affair with oh the girl samantha ron her brother mark ron's on is going to be in vancouver TED Talk, giving a TED Talk. Welcome to Vancouver. He's a well-dressed, handsome man. Oh, good for him.

The other thing... I hope that's what his talk is about. Here's how great it is to be a hound. The other thing that I wanted to talk about on the show is at Christmas, one of the things I got from... I believe this is from Abby's Aunt Sheila, was something called Yule Scum. And it is a Christmas candy. It's got a picture of a jolly Saint Nick.

Yep. What is he doing? Oh, he's got a present in his hand. Yeah, and in his other hand is a big bag of Yule Scum. And Yule Scum is like a pink and white. Marshmallow-y looking candy. Yeah, it looks like a pe bag of Yule scum. And Yule scum is like a pink and white marshmallow-y looking candy. It looks like a peep. Yeah, it does. I've been too sick to eat candy lately.

Dave, you're never too sick to eat candy. But this doesn't expire until the 15 of 10 of this year. And from what Swedish I know, I know that Yule means Christmas and scum means scum. So this is Christmas scum.

Help yourselves if you would like some. Now that I've opened the bag, it is fragrant with the smell. It's like those strawberry. Oh, yeah. It's like those. Strawberry marshmallow things. Any good? Oh, yeah. No, it's like those... Strawberry marshmallow things. Huh. Any good?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it's very... Very strong. Very pungent. Yeah, so it's been kind of a slow week. It's interesting. Interesting enough. You'll scum. I wonder what's in it.

Oh, it's all not in English. Oh, the other... No, there's... Well, there's French, at least. I don't speak... Oh, you can't have things because of your allergies... Well, there's French, at least. I don't speak... Oh, you can't have things because of your allergies. Well, yeah. And I'm also...

Sometimes there's, like, horse parts. There's gelatin in these. Oh, because you're a veg-o. I am a veg-head. Yeah. I used to go to veg raves. Oh, yeah. This has horse cock in it.

Oh, no. Why did we start talking about raves? I don't know. Do you want a hand massage? Yeah. All right. Here you go. Graham's giving me a hand massage.

Pretty good, too, right? Can you also take Vicks VapoRub and blow it into my eyes? Yeah. Is that a thing? Yeah. What do you mean blow it into your eyes? What? Those tubes of Vicks VapoRub?

Yeah. No, I don't know what they are. VapoRub. So are you familiar with Vicks VapoRub? Yeah, you rub it on your chest. It's like really fragrant that you rub it on your chest. Yeah, but it comes in a tube or a little jar? There's a jar originally.

It's like liquid. And then... Yul's coming. And then... Now blow it in my eyes. They made it in these little tubes that kind of look like chapstick. You can stop the hand massage. Yeah, Grandma's still giving me a hand massage.

You would pull your hand away if you hated it. But she don't. I hate it. We'll continue this later. Will we? I think we will. You barely pulled your hand away even when I stopped you. Your hand was still just floating there.

I feel like. Yeah. Anyway, they made little chapstick tubes sort of things. And if you blew on one side of them and blew out, it would blow a bunch of the wintery, minty, vapor rub smell. And they used to do it into your eyes. Oof. Oof. To wake you up.

It's a big rave thing. Why would you be falling asleep? Oh, because it's three in the morning? No, it just felt cool, too, if you were high. I guess. There we go. I killed people of all races. Good sidestep, Mrs. Osmore.

Oh, the other thing that happened this week is Graham and I watched the Grammys. Oh, yeah. For work. How was that? Not good. It was, wow. I haven't watched an award show, like, I don't know. It's been a long time.

The Grammys are the worst of the awards. No. I would disagree only in that they hardly hand out any awards at all. That's true. And it's just a show. They give away over 80 awards. But not during that show. But only about 10 in the telecast, if that.

Oh, wow. So they give away, like, Weird Al gets his award before the show. Yeah. Weird Al gets five or six awards before the show. Best comedy album. Best album. Yeah. Curliest hair.

But it's all with Al in quotes that he gets. Album. Yeah, he gets the best album. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I enjoyed it. What award show do you like less? Oh, the Oscars.

I think the Oscars is just... Oh, you're wrong. Most important awards. I like the speeches of the Oscars. I find them so unwatchable. They are pretty boring, but every once in a while you get one of those speeches that's like, not to be missed, you know? Yeah, but I really... The like life is beautiful where he like ran

over but you can catch it you just can catch it now if anything remarkable happens i can catch it's appointment tv nah uh-uh you're wrong you're you guys are wrong but what about do they do like screen actor guilds yeah they did those boring yeah Those don't matter. All of them don't matter. Independent Spirit Awards. Let's rank the awards. Just the movie ones. Movie ones? Okay. Well, MTV Movie Awards are the best.

They're the most fun to watch, right? No. No. They're unbearable. See, I think the Oscars are unbearable. BAFTA. What about those? Those don't count.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'd say the BAFTAs are. That has to count. BAFTAs are probably the worst. The BAFTAs are the those? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'd say the BAFTAs are... That has to count. BAFTAs are probably the worst. The BAFTAs are the worst. Yeah. Consensus. Followed by the Surfboard Awards.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the Teen Surf Awards. Oh, Teen Choice Awards, yeah. Then MTV's in there near the bottom. Ever since that time, like, I haven't watched it since... I don't watch any of them, but I know... Tristan Dunst hosted... I know that, like, the Oscars, the thing is, is that I don't care about any of the movies that they pick.

Have you seen any of them? Yeah. Oh, they're the best. Yeah. And then, I don't know, you know, awards, they're fine. Give them out. And obsess over them and watch them every weekend for four months. I'm, I agree with you.

They're the best. Awards are great. Awards are good. Awards are great. Oh, I wish I could give an award to awards. Shiny as trophy. For award season. But then what award show would you give the award for best award show to?

To the awardsies. Oh, I know. Well, the Emmy decides that. The Emmy for best award show yeah that's right because it is telecast yeah but the webbies also have a say because it's also webcast simulcast um and uh your spider dad was a webby right he won a webby never mind yep spider dad now graham what's going on with you this week i oh i have a tale to tell because i why do we waste my time with your scum oh i enjoyed i enjoyed the whole scenario uh tale so here's

the thing this is the backstory uh this weekend i went to uh souk bc to do a show it was a fundraiser show and uh the last time i was in souk we were playing at a bar and uh one of the guys one of the local townies decided after the show that he uh thought it would be fun to uh pick a fight with me and uh how long ago was that it's like uh three years ago say uh you've changed a lot. Yeah, exactly. I'm a more mature level-headed man. I didn't get in the fight. Guy tried to pick a fight with me just because I was an out-of-towner.

And that's like a fun thing in a small town. Exactly. It's a fun thing to do when you go to a small town and get beaten up. It gives you a story to tell. It's good for tourism. How does one try to pick a fight? He wouldn't let me get past him, you know, and started staring me down and doing all the things that are the pre-fight. He gave me the shove with the arm.

Did you say, oh, I'm so sorry? Oh, I'm so sorry. No, I didn't even get a chance because one of the guys who was at the show saw what was going down and broke it up right away and kind of ushered me out. So that was like three years ago. And this Kevin Banner, past guest Kevin Banner, was organizing this. And I asked him specifically, do you think that guy, because it is a small town, do you think that guy's going to be there? And he's like, I know for a fact he's going to be there. So I said, well, you got to tell me his name.

Did he know the guy in advance? Yeah, yeah, because it's a small town. Yeah, he's from there. So he knew all these people. And this guy's got a bad reputation. Starts fights all the time. Not a good fighter, just good at starting fights. Starts fights he can't finish. Yeah, exactly.

His mouth right check, his ass can't cash i think kevin banner's dad when he heard about this past thing was uh he said he said some kind of thing like oh yeah uh picked a thousand fights one seven or something like that you know so uh he uh he was at the show and his name was Dale Wick was his name you can't say a man's name on a podcast Dale W

but I only say it because I came up with a really funny rhyme so I spent the first chunk of my set just cussing him out and his friends were you the head chunk of my set just cussing him out. And his friends... Were you the headliner of this show? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And the crowd went for it in such a big... Everybody in the room knew who this guy was, knew he was a bully. So this was like seeing a bully getting his comeuppance. It's like doing a corporate show where you've been told little inside jokes about the office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Daleick is a uh he's a fight starter he's like the fire starter yeah so i went up did all these jokes just called

them out uh i don't know i can't remember a lot of what it was but kevin banner last night told me uh that one of the things i said was you thought i would just go away? You thought I wouldn't come back? Stronger? The crowd loved it. And Kevin's been getting messages ever since. I can't believe that guy. I can't believe Dale Wick. I can't believe that it happened. So I took out the town bully.

What did he do? He left. He was so embarrassed, he left early. Oh, poor guy. Yay, Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. Graham. embarrassed he left early so poor guy yay graham graham graham what was the rhyme you came up with uh whale dick yeah and i said i i remember his name is because of whale dick because it's the exact opposite of what he had yeah and then i just uh really tore it up from there so uh i scored one for the little guy

and against the uh dude who likes to just pick fights with everybody all right i guess why why do you why do you hate this story so i'm just a little worried he's gonna go home and beat somebody oh he doesn't have anybody he was bad bad at beating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's no way he hasn't. You don't think he'll try to hurt himself badly? He'll try and fail to hurt himself. He'll try and pick a fight with himself. And give up halfway. No, I do feel bad for that. Why?

Because, you know. Remember when he was fully ready to beat the shit out of me for nothing? But he would have lost. Yeah, but I like that. You've got those knuckle tattoos. Yeah. Dale Wynn. Anyway, so that was my fun story to tell,

that I came, I saw, I conquered. I think it has another act. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Is this story over? Yes, because I'm never going back to Sook ever again. He might come here. Oh, I doubt it. I invited him.

Oh, no! Surprise cast! Who's that at the door? Oh, hey, Greg. You're much bigger than I ever remembered. I'm real sorry about what I did before. I was acting childish. I accept your apology, monster.

Come live in space with me. Worked out for the best. Yeah. Do you want to move on to overheard yaha this is biz this is theresa we host a show called one bad mother we're a comedy podcast about parenting not a parenting podcast and for some reason we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids the only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like shit for being a mom. Or a dad.

Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Hey, I'm Jesse Thorne. Hey, I'm Jordan Morris. We're actual friends. And actual professional broadcasters. We host Jordan, Jesse, Go! A show about, you know, friendship, being a person.

Yeah, we run the full spectrum from feelings to some of the most vulgar jokes you can imagine. And honestly, putting it that way makes it seem like it's half and a half, at best, 25-75. It's definitely mostly vulgarity, but it's a pleasant, friendly vulgarity from two guys who went to a reasonably prestigious UC college. Why don't you try the show out now? Grab one with one of your favorite comedians like a Rob Corddry or Rob Delaney or whatever. Or somebody awesome that maybe you haven't heard of yet. Yeah, go to MaximumFun.org or your favorite podcasting app and download an episode of

Jordan Jesse Go now. Overheard. Okay. Now, Overheard's such a great segment. Really is, it's the attachment of us to you, the listener, and then you back to us again as we're corresponding. Yeah, it's like the attachment that you forget to attach, and so you have to send a second email and be like, hey, sorry, I forgot to send you an attachment. Got so worked up about this PDF.

Yeah, yeah, here's a picture of that thing. I think I forgot to attach something today. We like to start with the guest. Sure. Nicole, will you? Will you start? Sure, yeah um i guess uh yeah mine's mine's an overheard um but there's a visual picture that i need to paint first here we go um so it's a weekday it's very drizzly and gray out we're in vancouver it's winter yeah cold

and rainy typical typical vancouver. Draw a postcard of Vancouver. Classic. And then paint it gray. That's a good Counting Crows song. What is? Just all that sounds like Counting Crows lyrics. Little gray is my favorite color. Paint a postcard.

Paint it gray. Anyway. Yeah. So it's drizzly. It's it's cold it's dark out and i was walking somewhere and i have to walk uh in sort of my neighborhood past a school and there was a basketball court um and this is it probably just appeals to my sense of humor. But on the basketball court was a man and a woman and two girls. And I'd say the girls were probably nine and eleven, something around that age. Never forget. And the man, who I assume was their father, is yelling, No! Sarah! You're not touching the line! While he's forcing

them to run basketball lines. Like wind sprints? Yeah, wind sprints. Oh yeah, okay. In the rain. No jackets. Wow. No jackets. Wow. Jackets are for winners. So this is half an overheard, just that

I overheard that dude just kind of being an asshole to his kids. Yeah, you heard a bit of abuse. But it's more of an overseen in that while all of this was happening, the dad was yelling at his children for not putting their toe directly on the line of the basketball court. The mother was silently dribbling a basketball alone and shooting hoops. And no one acknowledged her for several minutes. We're going to get this intramural family team cooking. We're going to beat the Smiths next door.

Guys, this was also a school day during school hours. Yeah, but they're homeschooled. They're homeschooled, for sure. They're homeschooled. Wait, if you're homeschooled. They're homeschooled, for sure. Homeschooled. They're homeschooled. Wait, if you're homeschooled, you can't have two parents at home teaching. I guess your dad's the principal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe mom's the principal.

Yeah, it's possible. Maybe they both work from home. Who's the principal of this house? Of your house? Grandpa. Yeah. Principal Grandpa. With his suede patches on his furry elbow. Yeah. Grandpa. Principal Grandpa. With his suede patches on his furry elbow. Yeah. Grandpa made me call myself a slut earlier.

Yeah. So clearly. That happened off air. That was great, though. What were you trying to say? I was trying to say slightly, but then he ate that chip out of your hand. And so all you said very loudly was, I am a slut. Yeah, I am a slutly.

I didn't even get the we out. That's how the dad yelling at the daughters reminded me of a couple things. First of all, Beyonce. Yeah. That's how she got that great voice, because her dad made her run around a track while singing. No, he didn't. Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, I mean, according to people in my high school. You know what's weird is my friend that I went to college with, his sister went to school with Beyonce in Houston. And all reports were that that was all she ever did. Her and the Destiny's Child group. That's all they did in high school.

They just practiced all the time. Ran around the track singing. Yeah, that was their thing. They were on the singing relay team. They weren't popular, but they weren't unpopular. It was like they were non-entities. They were literally just like musicians in training that just were at the school. And look at them now.

Yeah. All four of them. Oh, yeah, there's that one outlier. Michelle? All of them are outliers. Kelly? No, Kelly's come back. Yeah.

Well, Kelly, yeah. Kelly. Kelly and they have. Kelly's made money. But there was someone before. Yeah. There was a. Beyonce, Kelly, Michelle.

And then that other one. Yeah. Fortho. Fortho the warrior. She went into the Fortho Dauntry. No one remembers her name Because she didn't make it into the beginning Of the Bootylicious song

Because she was cut before that And that's the only reason I know Michelle's name But that Fortho, can you handle it Athos Forthos But the other thing it reminded me of was one time, there's a, what's the Brazilian martial art? Capoeira.

Pravmaga. It's capoeira. Capoeira. Capoeira. This, I saw this dad. Gaifieri. There's that capoeira dojo on Broadway. And I saw this dad chewing out his son after Capoeira.

And the dad was smoking. His dad was yelling, what kind of violin bow tactic was that? What kind of tree bow stick? You know, because they have that thing that's like, whoop, whoop, whoop. Isn't Capoeira the one where... It's fight dancing. But it was the slaves came up with it, and they didn't want their masters to know that they were practicing a martial art, so they made it look like a dance. Ah, yeah.

It's all fighting. Your master would have known you were fighting. Yeah, yeah. You were horrible on the slide drum, that thing, whatever that is. No one knows. Your pants weren't wide enough. Yeah, your shirt was too on. I'm just looking up who was in Destiny's Child.

Well, what do you have in Overheard? Kelly Rowland. That's who it was. Fourth O. Okay, Beyonce. Beyonce, only Overheard? Kelly Rowland. Yeah. That's who it was. Fourth O. Okay. Beyonce. Beyonce, only one name.

Yeah. Kelly Rowland. Yeah. Michelle Williams. Latavia Robertson. Latavia. And then there was another girl. Latoya Luckett.

And Farrah Franklin. Latoya Luckett. Latoya Luckett and Farrah Franklin could be like superhero secret identities. Yeah, absolutely. Latoya, you know, she probably doesn't pronounce it Luckett. Latoya Luckett and Farrah Franklin could be, like, superhero secret identities. Yeah, absolutely. Latoya, you know, she probably doesn't pronounce it Luckett. Latoya Luckett? Yeah, she plays shortstop. And your starting pitcher, Latoya Luckett.

My overheard is, I don't really have an overheard. I have a near miss where I was in the taco. Abby and I were in a taco restaurant the other day. Where I was in the taco, Abby and I were in a taco restaurant the other day. And I was listening to this one couple and they were, they were like, it was two guys and they were like, they kept talking, like they sort of didn't really know each other. And one was like, I think I'm gonna get four vegetarian tacos. Oh, yeah, I think I'm gonna get four vegetarian tacos too. And then like the lineup was really long. And by the time they got to the front, they had talked each going to get four vegetarian tacos too. And then the lineup was really long, and by the time they got to the front,

they had talked each other into getting four meat tacos. But then we were sitting next to this other couple, and they were so boring. And we were done our meal, and I was like, Abby, can we wait for like two minutes, see if these people say anything interesting? And they were so boring. And then I was like, can we wait for like two minutes see if these people say anything interesting and they were so boring and then I was like okay let's go and I grabbed my stuff to get up and leave and then the guy said so I slept with Deanna the other night and then I immediately was like okay wait no we

have to say yeah and then nothing more yeah sometimes a conversation really starts out very robustly and then just fizzles. Deanna. I slept with Deanna. It wasn't great. I slept with Deanna the other night. Who? Oh, yeah.

That's another group of friends. Sorry. Never mind. Oh, yeah, yeah. My overheard comes courtesy. Actually, yeah, I was eating at a chinese food restaurant a chinese food ateria and uh i was sitting at a table next to a couple uh do you know sometimes you hear a couple talking you're like oh boy like i'm glad i don't uh like i'm just hearing them and this is the last time i'll ever hear them yeah like i don't know

these people because they sound pretty terrible okay um how do you time I'll ever hear them. Like, I don't know these people because they sound pretty terrible. Okay. How do you know you'll never hear them again? Well, I don't know who they are. Well, maybe. Maybe this is the beginning of something terrible. Yeah, your lives have brought you to the same place. Oh, sliding doors.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Butterfly effect. This guy was a Chinese gentleman and a Caucasian woman. It was a Chinese gentleman and a Caucasian woman. And he was really laying it on how much he knew about Chinese stuff. And trying to impress her, I guess. You know, there's a fortune in that, Kofi.

They're called chop sticks. Not Chinese or twigs. So, at one point, he was talking about this restaurant that he'd gone to, and he was like, you know, you have to really know what you're ordering. It's not for city slickers. And she goes, do you mean white people? And he goes, no! Yes.

Yes, I guess it doesn't matter where you're from. Yeah or country as long as it's china yeah so uh so date successful yeah i mean you know it's hard to meet anyone oh let alone a white person who likes chinese um now we also have people uh people who uh need people and they're you know what i'd say like these people we've we we've got a uh we've got a an overheard this week from latoya l we've got one from l what's her name luggets that's what That's what I said. Was it Latavia? Was it Luggets? Lugnuts? Latoya Luckett. Luckett, not Luggets.

What was Latavia's last name? Latavia Robertson. Not Robertson. Robertson? It might be Roberson. Oh, like the cops in Robertson's. Yeah, but with one B. Now, we get overheard.

Sure, Michelle Williams was in this from Dawson's Creek? Yeah, yeah. What a looker um we get uh these things these uh overheard sent in from people i i usually i read uh three of them all right no and no i'm reading three but i'm all three of them from the same person whoa never done this before this is from uh person's going to feel so good about themselves. They should. And all three of these are totally good.

Good service. But usually people only send in one. This guy sent in three. And I thought, one email, one stop shop. Jonathan D. from Ajax, Ontario. JD. The first one is... Thank you.

JD Ajax. This is an overseen. This is a picture of me before Wife and Kids while I was teaching in Belgium. I was visiting the Palace in Brussels, and this is one of the tour buses parked outside the Palace. The Palace in Brussels is Jean-Claude Van Damme's nickname. I just had to get my picture with this bus. A perfect case of language differences. I have attached the photos for you.

The bus has a pink logo with wings on it, and it says, uh, fucker. Why does it say that? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's the name of a band. Maybe it means something different.

Proper spelling, too? Yeah. Wow. A band? Yeah. Hey, everybody, we're Fucker. We're playing the Belgian Palace. So pretty good start.

Fuck you, Queen of Belgium. Pretty good start. Eat my waffle. It's off to a running start, this Jonathan D. Brussels is in Belgium. I'm so dumb. Harsh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just harshed your own mellow. It's okay. I spent the whole first part of this talking about raves. No, it's okay. Remember when you were on the show? No. Okay, so the second overheard. This is from last week week i was dropping my

three kids off at kinder dance okay heard of it one of the dance moms what is that what's kinder dance kinder dance is like before they it's like before they actually learn how to do the proper steps so that they teach them dance oh it is literally dance it's not it's not little kids but it's not okay i guess yeah but it's all... Oh, it is literally dance. Yeah. It's like dance for little kids. But it's not... Okay, I guess, yeah. But it's not anything to do with those delicious eggs. Okay. The second overheard from Kinderdance, one of the dance moms... Those delicious eggs.

The eggs are the worst part of it. Kinder surprise. Touche. One of the dance moms was speaking with the receptionist about her iPhone frustrations with regard to watching Flash videos. Dance Mom, I recently bought an app that is a web browser that allows you to watch videos using Flash on Apple products. Receptionist, do you know the name? Dance Mom.

Yeah, it's called Puffin. It has a picture of a bird of some kind as the icon. A toucan with a big beak or something like that. Pretty good. Pretty good. Two for two, a big beak or something like that. Pretty good. Pretty good. Two for two, right? Yeah, this is all happening in and around Ajax and the greater Belgium region.

Yeah, they've got one TV station servicing all of Lower Ajax and the greater Belgium region. There was a car accident on Main Street today all of Lower Ajax and the greater belt of regions. There was a car accident on Main Street today and the palace burned down. Yeah, the prince has abdicated the throne. It's a pauper.

We've got a pauper situation. We've got a real pauper situation. Pauper's been found out. My third and last was while I was walking my dog here in Ajax, I was walking past this group of four moms hanging out on the front porch of one of their houses. All four were wearing water buffalo hats like from the Flintstones and drinking Coors Light and smoking cigarettes. Mom one.

So I look over at Bill and he's got his shirt off reaching for a smoking cigarettes. Mom 1. So I look over at Bill, and he's got his shirt off, reaching for a nacho. Mom 2. What? What did you say? Mom 1. I says to him, well, if it's going to be that kind of party. And then a kid yells out the window, Mom, can I have a popsicle? Mom 1.

Well, you already had a Snickers at dinner. I guess, but not the red ones. Those are for me so there you go pretty good three from one source yeah oh the industrious people of ajax they're going to take over this country when you were talking about that kid eating um eating uh snickers for dinner. Yeah. And then a Popsicle. You had your dinner Snickers.

It reminded me of all the food I've eaten today. You had a lot of junk food today? Oh boy, I had those nibs. I ate so much gum. Gum? I can't. No, I swallowed it though. Yeah, I had a pack of gum for lunch. Yeah, and Dave doesn't even chew it.

He takes it like pills. He takes it with water. He has a whole pack of gum like that. It's really weird. No, I'm cluing in. I had some nibs. Yeah. I had a Wonder Bar.

Yeah. I've had some of, well, I had that Yule scum. Yeah, you also had a, you know, we were all eating some apple cinnamon popcorn. French munch popcorn stuff. Boy, I'm going to feel this tomorrow. Can't eat junk food like I used to. You should, though. Yeah, I will. You used to, oh, the way you

used to eat junk food like the wind. I get toward Dana. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. You want to call us? I do. Now addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. You want to call us? I do. Now what? You do. Okay.

You can just... Oh, I don't have to call you. Yeah, no, it's fine. 206-339-8328 is our phone number. It's a voicemail. You don't talk to us. Here are the voice messages chosen this week. Hey, Dave, Graham, and possibly the greatest guest ever.

This is Tyler calling from Victoria. I'm just calling in with an overseen. I was just leaving the liquor store, and before I was able to back out of my parking space, I was parked right in front of a Chinese food place, and I saw a bunch of people all gathered around eating, and when I looked up at the TV to see what they were watching, they were watching someone's open heart surgery. I'm not sure if it was a family member or not, but pretty great.

Yeah. Not sure if it was a family member or not, is what he said. Yeah. Oh, like, oh oh the cable's out mom surgery is gonna be on i'm dying oh no i'm gonna need open heart surge uh yeah i guess uh you know when somebody gets early to the restaurant says hey can i i got a thing i want to watch yeah i think i gotta watch for my biology degree maybe they still do show them um like on uh you know yeah tlc or whatever yeah well i guess they would show up more on tlc don't really show you though yeah they did but back when

tlc was the learning channel yeah yeah i remember watching that and then you'd watch like an eye surgery and porkies yeah and then you'd watch, like, an eye surgery. And Porky's. Yeah, and then you'd watch Porky's and be like, why do we even bother? We're gross. Gross inside. Gross inside, outside. Terrifying.

Yeah. You know. You know. Yeah? Yeah, I don't know. But while you're eating, everyone looking up and watching oh that's good i'm trying to think of when i'm really hungry what i would have to watch to dissuade me from eating like what would stop me from eating and there's very few things i think it'd have to be it would have to be an atrocity most medical things i think would turn me on no i think like

yeah i mean i wouldn't enjoy it, but... Yeah, like seeing someone put a band-aid on. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Or someone sneeze. Into a band-aid. Like somebody who's put a band-aid over their nose and then sneezes. I guess I'd stop eating if that happened.

If I was watching someone like... Oh, what if somebody did one of those speed vision cameras and somebody's sneezing in super, super slow motion so you see their whole face come off of their skull and come back? You know, like when they show the dogs eating a snack in super slow motion? I wonder what a person sneezing looks like

in slow motion. Pretty gross. That looks awesome. Yeah. Their face comes off? Yeah, I bet you all the skin on your face just lurches forward and then lurches back onto your face. It's true. Does it?

I bet. I'm very gullible. No, because you're moving at, what is it? How many miles per hour? 10,000 miles. 10,000 miles per hour. Yeah. You're moving at one-eighth of an orgasm miles per hour.

Yeah, that's true. That's what they say. Really? Yeah, it's like an old... That's what a sneeze is, yeah. That a sneeze is the equivalent of an eighth of an orgasm. It's not... What, feeling-wise?

Yeah. But if you... If you sneeze eight times, then you can skim sex that night. Skim sex that night? I'm sorry, honey, a game in the office yeah yeah somebody blew pepper in my face blue vapor rub in my face uh but i don't think it's eight in a row i think it has to be eight all at once also maybe it's like exponentially or is it oh it's like the richter scale times or is it i eight times, or is it? I don't know. Neither do I.

Also, what do I know about orgasm? Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. Never had one. Never seen one. Never seen one.

Never had one. Not interested. Don't care. Don't even believe they're real. Yeah. I know that men have them and women don't. That's all I know about them. Here's your next over.

Hey, Dave Graham and probable guests. This is Will from Seattle calling with an overseen. I think I saw the most amazing license plate and the license plate holder combo today. So you get those custom plates that are like, I support the firefighters or I'm a police officer. This guy had former prisoner of war, which I didn't know was a custom plate, but good on this guy, really amazing for his service. And then he had this custom license plate holder supporting one of his favorite fishing shops that specialized in, and I know this because the top of the license plate holder said the specialty of fishing they did, which was catch and release.

And I think that's something this guy can definitely get behind. That's cute. That was a cute one. Worked out. It seems that it was like that's something you would read in Reader's Digest or something. Dave, how come you don't have a novelty license plate holder? Yeah. readers digestors yeah i'm not very mechanically inclined i wouldn't know how to take the old one off oh no he's just driving into their shop well when would you get if you could oh boy probably um uh what i guess i was trying to think of like the kind of stuff they have on a onesie it's like future uh

you know uh harvard grad but i guess babies don't have license plate holders uh probably proud proud father of a uh of a grandpa yeah proud father of a fuzzy baby that's pretty good well you know valentine's day is right around the corner. Oh, no, don't. Do you give novelty gifts to your friends on Valentine's Day? I do. I have some Valentine's holographic cards for this year. What does that mean? Is this more orgasm talk?

They're a hologram? Is it like one-eighth of an orgasm? Ah. Synchronized. Sorry. What's in the hologram they're bugs bugs yeah they're insects oh does it say like you it's a picture do you know what a hologram is yeah so there's bugs inside like if i look close enough i can get sucked into a bug yeah dave okay you can thank you here's your final overheard here we go hi uh this is meg um this is a drunk dial oh this one's also an overheard i was on the train between well we're whatever and there are these two young teenage boys behind me talking about horror movies and how they would fuck Freddie up if they had the chance

and how Jason would be toast if they had the chance to fight them and how they used a lot of bad words, and they were just really tough about it. And then we passed, like, a bus depot or something, and it was just a lot of, like, the short school buses parked together really tightly, right? And these boys are like, you know, fuck Freddy, I hate that motherfucker. Oh, baby buses.

Hey, fuck Freddy. It was really funny. All right. Oh, love you guys. Back at you. Thanks. Love you too. A bushel and a peck.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you watch the Freddy and Jason movies? Not often. And get mad at like, oh, I wish I was there. I would give Jason what for. Isn't that what Mark Wahlberg said

about the 9-11 attacks? He's like, if I was on that plane, I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was on that plane, I would have killed Jason. Yeah, I would have killed Jason, Freddy, Hellraiser, Starface. I made up that last guy. Starface wasn't a guy.

Starface. Starface is a character I want to talk about. Yeah, yeah. It's from High School Hermit. He's the bad guy. Starface. That was a drunk dial. Hey, we got more drunk dials.

Hit it. Graham's falling asleep. Yeah, but I want to hear these drunk dials. But if you are someone who ever thinks you might ever get drunk and then might accidentally call an ex-lover and say, I want you back in my life. I want you back. Yeah. If you would ever sing a Jackson 5 song to them. A, B, C.

I want you back. Don't do that. What you should do is call us. And right now, when you're sober, presumably, is when you should put our number into your phone. It is 206-339-8328. Drunk Dial theme song. When I was a child, didn't know what a phone was. Never tasted liquor either.

But one day when I grew up, we're two and two together. Drunk Dials. Telling my girlfriend to start her period. Drunk Dials. Telling my friend he looks like a wolf man. Drunk Dials. Calling Future Shop and asking for Best Buy. Drunk Dials.

Drunk Dials. calling future shop and asking for best buy. DroneTales! DroneTales! Shut up, Dave, because it's time for my favorite segment, which is I'm drunk with Dylan. Hello, I'm Dylan, and I'm drunk, and I'm here to tell you that I am calling you instead of my ex-girlfriends

because of what you told me to do a while ago, Dave and Graham. So that's what I'm doing now. I love it. And I don't really have anything specific to talk to you about. I was thinking of doing a drunkle herd, but then I didn't have any good overheards. So instead, I'm just talking at you like this. Because I was feeling kind of shitty and didn't really want to call my ex-girlfriend. Oh, Dylan. So I'm not gonna do that Instead I think I'm just gonna

Listen to some black metal and It'll be great So it'll be fun Gonna listen to some wolves in the throne room Or something Something not racist Cause that's what I'm doing My whole

You know my like senior thesis thing it's nazi black metal it's kind of it's really interesting but i mean i'm gonna i'm gonna make podcasts about it that's sort of my whole thing you should trail off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a good night, guys. Well, dude, you're going to be... He's still going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think... I don't know. He didn't sound like a...

Well, maybe he is the typical black metal listener. I don't know. I don't know what to make of the whole genre. Are they just saddos? Or are they angros? Aren't angros just sad oh's or are they gross aren't angry just sad oh's and what about fourth oh I'm scared of fourth oh and her powers yeah no for those acute it's just he man's friend oh yeah good with numbers yeah he's a floaty dude all right here's uh here's another drunk

dial all right oh this one I've I've called it the file name Drunk Meanie because I think this person is mean to us. Oh, no. What kind of name is Graham? Touche. Oh, no, it's recording now. They're not going to like me because I said that. My boyfriend likes your podcast, and I met his friend, and then I threw up in a cup.

And it looked like a smoothie, and he almost threw up too. But to play it cool, we made it into a song. I threw up in a cup. I threw up in a cup. Do they know who I am? Like, if I run for president, cup. Do they know who I am? Like, if I run for president, are they going to know who I am? Probably.

Oh, God. I think they're going to be, I think that couple's going to make it. Yeah. I like that she asked if we know who she is. Yeah. She's going to run for president. I like that it was part of the throw-up song.

You even know who I am? I'm the one who wrote the throw-up song. Throw up in a cup. Do you know who I am? Who's a dooga? Yeah, who's a dooga. She's great. Yeah.

Okay. Something happens in this next phone call that I do not like. Oh. You'll know when you hear it. Oh. Is it racist? No, no, no, no happens in this next phone call that I do not like. Oh. You'll know when you hear it. Oh. Uh-oh. Is it racist? No, no, no, no.

It's just gross. Oh. Is it vomiting? No, it's just, it's a burp. Oh, okay. Someone burps. Don't, I feel like I oversold it. Yeah, because we really started guessing a lot of stuff.

I just, I just don't like hearing people burp into a microphone. All right. So you're warned. burp into a microphone. So you're warned. Merry holiday, Dave and Graham, and whatever guests it be.

This is obviously a drunk style. JB, my brother John. Say hello. Hey, drunk. Hello. See, he knows what he's saying. Um, okay, Say hello. Hey, drunk. Hello. See? He knows what he's saying. Okay. Drunk death, impossible guest. Oh, man.

We'll see you later. Drunk dial, 2000. 13. 13. 23. In the dirt. See you later, Dave and Graham. And we'll see you back.

23. In the dirt. Oh, why did I only learn about that now? No, now it's too late. 24th, though. Yeah, 24th, though. Welcome to 24th, though. 24th in the dirt.

Where'd you go, though? 23rd in the dirt. So good. If I had a time machine, it would be for that T-shirt. Yeah, 23rd in the dirt. Well, I like that burp. If I had a time machine, it would be for that t-shirt. Yeah, 23rd in the dirt. Well, I like that burp.

I know you hated it, but it was so basic. I hate it so much. I drunk dialed you guys once. Did you? Yeah. Will we play it on the show? I don't think so. We will.

We will. I don't think you have it. It was so long ago. Yeah, we may not have it. That was really giggly. Yeah, I can't stand it. Oh, we got a couple more. Here's your next one.

I think you guys talk doing drunk voicemail, drunk mail, whatever the fuck you call it. Get aggressive. I'm frankly offended because I'm in the city of people who are fucking drunk all the time. So, I'm here calling you and I just gotta say gram and dave are my idols someday

i'll move to vancouver because you are the best i mean i probably won't move to vancouver but you guys make it seem kind of cool i don't know if it's that cool it's just it's a city that's there so good for you for living there. Thanks. And we're here, down here in the Bay of San Francisco, doing our thing. So good for us and good for you. I guess. And you should do the drunk dial more often.

So good for you. Good for us. Way to go. Like, hey, just as an assignment for listeners, let us know where you are and if you're doing your thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, good call. The people of your town are just doing their thing.

And are we doing our thing? Are we still? Just make, yeah, good call. And furthermore, don't move here. Yeah, or do. I like it fine, but I don't want people to move here because of us. Because then we're somehow like, can you help me find a job? Yeah, I can.

Can you help me move? I can. I can do all those things. I can help you find a job. I can help you move. If you want to move here, I'm your one-stop shop. You can stay at my place. You've got to find me.

Well, we all know your address. 518. 518 East. Something. Come stay with me. If you can find me, you earn a week's stay. That's pretty good. A podcast is a contract.

And she'll make you breakfast every day. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Not in bed. This isn't an in-bed deal. I don't. She'll make the breakfast in bed, but then you have

to go and get it. You have to go eat it in the kitchen. Yeah. But it's filled with... I was gonna... Pubes? Like feathers

from your pillow. Oh, okay. Filled with quilt parts, bed stuff. Quilt parts. You dumped a pubes, he thinks feathers. Yeah, I'm gross

and he's quaint. Yeah. Together, we're gross and quaint. Yeah. Come on up here, Fortho. Two, I'm gross, and he's quaint. Yeah. Together, we're gross and quaint. Come on up here, fourtho. Two, three, fourtho. All right, here is your final drunk dial of 2014.

Here we go. Of 24th in the door. Vader, that is. Dear Dave and Clark slash Craig slash something between Clark and Craig. I'm drunk dialing you. Okay, did I do everything I needed to do? Okay. What's in my heart is it's cold and my sports team won.

And I'm still at this bar because they're switching over. I don't know what that means, but they're switching over. And I had sex two times last night. And I over. And I had sex two times last night. And I talked to someone who had sex three times last night. So I don't know if I'm winning or losing. I know Matt. No, don't fuck with me, because I know that three is a bigger number than two. Yeah, yeah.

But am I girl winning? I'm girl winning. And, you know, the surf bug, what is that? That's got to be like a high five. Wrap it up, wrap it up. Kindly with best regards, I'm not giving you a real name. That's personal information. Well, you might be president one day. I'll tell you how many times i do it which president do you

think has had sex the most times in a day oh obviously i was gonna say kennedy i think kennedy had the most uh lovers but i think uh i think clinton is your quantity man what about nixon he seems like a dirty dog. Nixon never had sex. Really? No, he never had kids. He never had sex. I was going to say taft.

He had that special bathtub. Yeah. Taft. Well, cause he was so fast. Taft that ass. Oh, Nicole.

Yes. Um, this is, you've been a delight. You'll disagree, but you're, you've been a delight. You'll disagree, but you've been a delight. Now, you do a lot of different things. You do improv. You're part of East Van Comedy.

You teach. Where can people go, see, learn, do? Well, I'm the Associate Artistic Director for Instant Theater. Shut up, Dave. the associate artistic director for instant theater shut up dave uh so if you want to learn you could go there if you want to see me perform and that is that is for improv classes yeah i teach improv um you can then enter oh guys way to think on your feet i'm in a real I'm in a real mood yeah you are in a real mood in a real mood

yeah um yeah I don't know I mean I do shows around Vancouver through Instant Theatre and various other places um

yeah you're at you're at who on Twitter oh yeah oh The Bone Wolf am I at The Bone Wolf or am I

yeah or am I at N.L. Passmore I think you're N.L. you're N.L. Passmore I think I'm N.L. Passmore and then I just I call myself the Bone Wolf? Or am I, yeah. I think you're your own name. Or am I at NL Passmore? I think you're NL Passmore. I think I'm NL Passmore, and then I just, I call myself the Bone Wolf, and then I threaten. Do you still use Twitter, then? Barely. Like, every once in a while. How many followers you got?

Like, 930. Yeah. Mostly from you guys. We did it. And the occasional tweet. But I don't tweet as much, because mostly, I'm afraid it just sounds angry. Yeah, well, that's how Twitter is angry yeah well that's what's in your heart because you're a big angro

you know you listen to black metal I came fourth O in life all the time Dave anything to plug? oh boy well no you know what? follow me on twitter at the bone wolf

are you the lone bone wolf? I'm the lone bone wolf You know what? Follow me on Twitter. At the Bone Wolf. Are you the Lone Bone Wolf? I'm the Lone Bone Wolf. No, you're not. Yeah, I'm the Lean Teen Wolf. Lean Teen Wolf. I'm Lone Bone Wolf. Well, I'm High School Hermit, so... We thought that was such a good idea an hour ago.

I'm not sold on it anymore. Dave, let's sleep on it. I've got the Laugh Gallery happening every week. What's that, every Monday? Every Monday. At the Havana on Commercial Drive in Vancouver? Yeah, I give away prizes. Great show.

Oh, I'd move to Vancouver for that. You gotta. I'll hook you up. You come to Vancouver, I'll get you a job. It won't be a good job, but I'll get you a job. Yeah, yeah. I'll get you a place. It won't be a good place, but I'll get you a place.

518. Yeah, yeah. I know a lady who will put you up breakfast in bed, quilt parts in your meal. I don't make meat, though. If you like the show, you can tell your friends. Head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week. Picture of Orko, maybe.

From Orko performing with Destiny's Child. Destiny's Child, the original lineup featuring Orko. Destiny's Child and the Masters of the Universe. Orko performing with Destiny's Child. Destiny's Child, the original lineup featuring Orko. Destiny's Child and the Masters of the Universe. Orko, can you handle it? I don't know what voice he had. I forget, too. Also, if he did it, I wouldn't be able to know it. I wouldn't be able to do it myself.

I wouldn't be able to know it, either. No, that's true. And you can go to iTunes. And I don't think I could handle it. Woo! If you've never left an iTunes review that says how much you love the show, why not? Why not go over there and do that? Do it for Valentine's Day.

That'd be that, our Valentine, your gift to us this Valentine's Day. Yeah. Love. Let us be your podcast with benefits. Yeah! Oh, I like that. New slogan. What was our old slogan?

For the sophisticated idiot? Didn't we have a slogan like two minutes ago? Oh, uh... What? Never mind. The lean teen wolf? Oh, yeah. The lone bone wolf.

If you want to get in touch with us, it's 206-339-8328 or spy at MaximumFun.org. If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.