Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 309 - Ryan Beil

Episode Date: February 18, 2014

Ryan Beil returns to talk adult bullies, True Detective, and dancing kids.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody. Welcome to episode number 309 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who just dropped a dollop of yogurt on his dog's head, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I thought that sentence was going to be a lot grosser.

Oh no, no, I like to keep it clean. No, yeah, I was eating yogurt, and he wanted some, and so I was going to drop a dollop. You were thinking he was going to drop a dollop. You were thinking he was going to snap it up. I held a spoon of yogurt up above his head but it took too long for it to come off and he got distracted and it got him right between the eyes

and we lost our mind. Can you believe it? It was so great. Crab is just an endless, renewable source of humor and joy. He's a wonderful little guy. Yeah. He's in our hearts.

He's done. And our guest today. Speaking of wonderful little guys. Yeah, absolutely. Return guest. Ooh, someone just wrote his epitaph. Yeah. Oh, man, that'd be great.

Just speaking of little, special little guys, is that what I said? Yeah. Wonderful little guys Would your headstone be like A shape of a bone Like in a dog graveyard That's what I want to talk about A talented actor Writer, producer Improviser

And gallery Runner? I say owner, but I don't own it You own the name Gallery curator Gallery runner? Gallery, I say owner, but I don't own it. Okay. You own the name. I own, yeah. Gallery curator. That's debatable.

You're a curator. I do curate a gallery. Mr. Ryan Beal. Ryan Beal. Yeah, thank you for being our guest. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. I refuse to.

Okay. I'm happy to be here. Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us. Now, you tell us all about everything Go Right Okay, so you're Gravestone Yeah, so

When I die Which will be soon Yeah No I was born in 1982 Year of the Dog Oh, hey Speaking of dogs

Oh, is this one of them? No, this is the horse This is the horse But This is the horse. But this is a year of the horse with option to have a dog riding it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Year of the horse with benefits. Yeah, last year was year of the snake with option of monkey strangling it. That option was exercised a surprising amount.

What's your zodiac sign? I'm a Libra. Libra, dog. Dog, Libra. What's a Libra? Off the scales. zodiac sign? I'm a Libra. Libra, dog. Dog Libra. What's a Libra? The scales. I don't know what's a Libra. It's like artsy and unbalanced and, you know, generally bad.

Sort of like airy-fairy sort of idiots. So like a couple of dogs running around, weighing. Ever since I got swivel tears for Graham and the guests. A lot more swiveling? A lot of swiveling going on But the head stays stationary You don't know my body swiveling right now It's like one of those paintings

In a creepy house Where the head stays in one place But the body swivels It's like One of those old gothic Paintings of someone in an office chair In an old timey swivel chair. Working on a spreadsheet.

So, Year of the Dog. Born here in Vancouver. Born and raised, yeah. Raised as a man. As a man. Yeah. Yeah. Debatable. Now, you're... When did you become a man. As a man. Yeah. Yeah. Debatable.

Now, you're... When did you become a man? Like, were you raised as a boy at first, or were you a man from the day you were born? I think probably a man from the day I was born. You like that song? Handed me a hat and a shovel and went to the mine. What's that? They go, 16 days, what do you get?

He claimed to have been handed a pickaxe the day he was born. Right. And he went right to the mine, which I don't buy. On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered round. The games with the wild wonder. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. Right. On account of her ugly.

I was so ugly. On account of your ugly. Yeah, yeah. To compensate for your Yeah, he went over and slapped her Then he slapped me Then went back to her Crazy day

Slap happy doctor He was arrested He was arrested shortly after Wasn't a doctor Yeah, we found out he wasn't a doctor He was just in there Just like slapping people Put on a lab coat

Yeah Learned some jargon Put on a lab coat backwards Which should have been our first sign And he was always like This keeps my tie clean. And he'd do a thing where he'd warm up like, well, the only thing that we could possibly do to cure this is slap you! Let me prescribe.

He'd write a prescription and then hit you with the pad. But for no, he wrote slap, and you just read slap, and you looked up and then he slapped you. He goes, don't mind if I do! Oh, wow. Got a television show up up yeah nurse hand me my head slap yeah pretty great is there a doctor in the house so um now you're you uh as a owner slash curator yeah of an art gallery and and performance space. It's an arts venue. Go on.

Little Mountain Gallery. Maybe you've heard of it. Maybe not. I've heard of it. Okay, yeah, you've been there. You guys have been there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is it?

Because you have to clean it up and stuff. Yeah. It's like having a dog. It is kind of like having a dog. It was sometimes I groan about it but it's nice to

do something kind of unrelated to comedy and acting and performing like for instance when we fix the toilet. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's right.

It's sort of something we just fix the toilet. I mean I I stood behind and like what are you doing there? No but you know it was Was it a top problem

or a bottom problem? It was Lift the lid? lid yeah well at one point reach your arm down the pipe yeah and just feel around hopefully it's jewelry it always is it usually is uh it was yeah it was a take uh problem it was an old uh the lever didn't work so we had to get a whole new thing. But I've been around, you've done a lot of things there in the gallery. Made some improvements. First thing I did, put in a mailbox. That's right, I was there that day. Because the postal workers were like, we don't want to shove the mail under the door anymore,

we just don't want to do it. So we said, okay, we'll put it in a mailbox. And now look at what's happening to the post office. And the day I put it in the mailbox, we were just in the middle of installing it, which is a bit involved because it was like putting a screw into a wall that isn't wood, so you needed a special screw or whatever. Oh, yeah. As we're doing it, this gentleman came up from the neighborhood and was like,

Oh, boy, I bought that mailbox. Let me tell you guys, you are going to have soaking wet mail. Okay, it is going to get your mail soaking wet. And we're in the middle of it, and we're kind of like, just walk on, pal. You know what, I don't need to know about why this mailbox is a poor purchase. You dumb, wet mail. Yeah, and it doesn't get that wet. Only on rainy days.

It hardly ever gets wet in the sun. Exactly. Yeah, the Lucky Lou. I find that kind of person very intimidating. Because I don't know anything about pudding. You know a lot about pudding.

Pudding, yogurt, dollops. Anytime I get something from Home Depot that is like a project, I have to buy all the tools. It's not like, okay, I need a wrench and a screwdriver. Well, I have to buy those. Will a knife work? Have you... And then if anyone comes along or if anyone questions me, I immediately...

Drop your tools, run. Yeah, I'm like, okay, you're right, I'm doing it wrong, but let me do it wrong. Just don't stand here and watch me. Exactly. As he sees you lining up a screwdriver with a hammer, you're going to just hit the screwdriver. Putting yogurt all over something. That's got to get those enzymes somehow. I don't know.

that's gotta get those enzymes somehow i don't uh i don't know do i have an area of expertise where if i saw somebody doing it wrong i would want to say so i doubt it i don't think i have anything unless it was someone like about to uh move a ladder into power lines oh yeah and you'd be like whoa there buddy your mail's gonna get, if you know what I'm saying. And also, could you have gone back to the hardware store or whatever and been like, yeah, I need to return this mailbox. A guy said my mail would get left. Hey, excuse me. This guy came up to me on the street unsolicited.

A gypsy put a curse on this mailbox. Yeah, it made a lot of improvements. Put some curtains up. Yeah. So that improves. But you've been figuring it out. Tinkering. Yeah, we all are not handy gentlemen. Jandies.

We're not handy. Graham, you could maybe make a claim. You're reasonably handy. You've helped me with some handy work around the gallery. It's all Google and then try and then fail and then try try again so it's not i don't know anything i have a lot of uh like youtube uh watch whatever the 30 second video is if there's a five minute video of how to do something i'm not interested no way no way yeah and like i can do things but they have to be, like you say, they have to be something where it's only two or less tools involved.

Any time that I watch one where it's like, take out a level, I'm like, Do you keep your tools in a regulation toolbox or cardboard box or plastic bag? Me? Both. You first. On a shelf. Not organized at all. Just loosely on a shelf.

Sort of the different shelves are different things, but no, no box, no bag, just shelf. I have an old, very old toolbox. It used to belong to my grandfather. So it's not, you couldn't carry it anywhere. It's too jangly. But it looks the part. It looks the part and there's tools in it.

That's where I localized the tools. Although I cannot find my hammer. And I used a wrench to hammer in a nail to the wall. It's fine. Yeah. Got the job done. Totally. I have a cardboard box.

Yeah. Is it marked tools? Nope. With an S backwards? That would be good. And it's got a lot of little packs of like, you know, a 12-pack of a certain screw I needed with like 11 still in it. Yeah.

Lots of wall anchors, stuff like that. Yeah, and a lot of my, I was just just thinking now a lot of the tools that i own i got in the stocking from santa direct from santa's workshop to you some kids not getting his toys this christmas had no tools to make toys with that elf killed himself that elf was named yogurt yogurt the elf yeah i'm to keep pushing the yogurt thing. Yeah, sure. Even if it don't fit.

Even if it don't fit. Yeah, that's part of being handy. Make it fit. Tim Allen style. Or heaven forbid, Red Green. Oh, yeah. The worst show ever made. I never watched.

Would you? I wouldn't. I'd say there's other worse shows. It's pretty bad, though. Red Green, for any people who have better dicks to do, was a Canadian. Is a Canadian? Was. Was a Canadian show.

Yeah, he's still alive. He's a thing. Yeah, from Smith and Smith. A gentleman who wore suspenders, which were red and green. Yeah, and he was like, he was a more earnest version of Tim the Tool Man green. Yeah, and he was like he was a more earnest version of Tim the Tool Man Taylor. Yeah, and more Canadian. And it all took place at like a cabin where they were all like

something lodge. And they were like a lodge where all the men would go and they had these characters who hung out together and they would have meetings. It was like a happy, raw, dirty... Was it a sitcom? It was more of a sketch. I think you could call it like a sketch show. It wasn't really a sitcom. It was more of a sketch. I think you could call it like a sketch show. It wasn't really a sitcom. It just had a lot of vignettes.

It was a vignette-com. And it was on in the States. And it was sort of cartoon. Yeah. It was on in the States on PBS. It was actually... That can't be right. It is.

Really? Yeah. And he... It's true. He had a nerdy nephew named Lewis? No. Schneider? Oh, nuts.

Smoothie? Yogurt? He had a nerdy nephew named Yogurt. And he fixed everything with duct tape. Yeah. That was his more power. Yeah, exactly. More duct tape.

Rrrr. No, he would go, rrrr. Yeah, you're looking up the... I'm looking up the nephew's name. Enid Eager? Or was it Enid Eager? Enid Eager. It was something like that. Devon?

This is my, I think... Nerdly? This is my nephew. Oh, I can't, I used to... This is Evan. Because it was played constantly as when I was sort of, I don't know A teenager

On comedy channel up in Canada And his nephew would go Woohoo He would laugh like that Oh, Mr. Eager Eager It took place on Possum Lake Oh, Possum Lake, that's right

That's as far as I know Oh, and his other catchphrase was, keep your stick on the ice. Yeah. If the women don't find you handsome. At least they shouldn't find you handy. Yeah. Yeah. His nephew, Harold.

Harold. Harold. Which is like a long form improv. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yeah. Yes.

Now, last time, every time you're here, basically, we talk about you going on YouTube binges. Yeah, sure. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's hot? What's hot in the YouTube binge? Yeah.

I mean, I'm- In the past, it's been basically to catch a predator every time. Yeah. Okay. Well, again, I have watched a bit of To Catch a Predator. What's new? Do they still make it? They don't make it, no.

It ended abruptly, I think. The last one was when... When he was the predator. Could you imagine? No, they forced a guy... A guy killed himself. A Texas DA killed himself. And it was like...

Basically, they ambushed him. And he was not... He was doing predatory-type things online. But, like, you don't wish anyone suicide. Specifically not on national television. I don't know. Predators? Do I wish predators? Yeah, I mean, maybe. A long, healthy life? Maybe not a long, healthy life, but a televised suicide?

Well, I mean, somewhere between the two. It wasn't on the show, though, was it? They didn't, but you could hear it in the, like, you could hear the gunshot. Oh, he did it that moment. They were on his lawn, and they were like, okay, how are we going to do the thing where I can confront him? They did air it. They did air it. On the side of caution.

And then they aired it of him, like. That's what I would have aired. The lawyers said, we're just being cautious. We'll air it, just to be sure. Yeah, we will air it. We'll play commercials, we'll get some money, and we'll see what happens. Yeah, yeah. See if we get canceled forever.

And they did. But the other thing I've been watching on YouTube, did we talk about this last time? I'm not sure. But this might be another of the same thing. Sure. Bullies getting their comeuppance. Oh, you love it. Yeah.

You know, like a bully on YouTube. But like from a TV show? No, you love it. Yeah, you know, like a bully on YouTube. But like from a TV show or just kids? No, in real life. So maybe someone's cell phone videoing a bully bullying a loser. Like, this is fun. But then the loser... And at first you're kind of on the bully side. You're like, that kid is a loser.

Stupid loser. But then the loser... Bullying's changed a lot since my day. It's better now. Yeah, it's way better. It's way better. The kids are way more loser-ish. Well, the bullies know what they're doing now. Yeah. Because there's all these great videos on YouTube about a bully. They figured it out.

They know who the losers are. A couple of lucky loos come by. Now you're going to bully them? The losers should get it. But you can watch it, and then the loser, with all this rage, pent up, they lash out, and the bully gets it and it's kind of it kind of feels good very violent often but uh it sort of feels good it's its own um like kind of sub i think category yeah because uh you know it's always the same title it's uh like bully gets come up and pwned oh yeah pwned yeah it's never the comeuppance is never used

that guy's gonna get his comeuppance but one one was really fun it was an adult all adult one that took place at like i don't know like a nascar type event okay but there was an adult bullying another adult so it's not naked yeah right it's not that kind of exactly and then a third adult came down and gave the bully what's what. But the bully had a chili dog. And he was shoving it in this nerd's face. And he kept saying, you guys want a chili dog nerd? I'm going to pass. You want a chili dog nerd?

The nerd probably did. That's the worst part. He wanted it, but not shoved it in his face. Harold was, oh no, chili dog. That you could get bullied and called a nerd. Like nerds, does this guy not... Listen to Chris Hardwick? Yeah, does this guy not read popular magazines and know that nerds run the show now? Nerds are in.

It's nerd time. Even hot chicks go on shows and say that they were nerds. Yeah, that's true. Isn't the cover, am I wrong, is the cover of the swimsuit issue this year Barbie? It is Barbie. So nerds really have had their say in what goes. Oh, they're going to get their comeuppance. Is she like on a little beach?

No, she's like. Do they make like a diorama? No, she's topless. She's just, yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. And you know, I don't remember Barbie having nipples like that. But they airbrushed something.

Yeah. Seven of them. Yes. It's a really terrifying cover. They're trying to sort of self-implode, I think. Yeah. Yeah. The print industry is doomed.

They look desperate. Well, Playgirl's not around anymore. What? Need I say more? It isn't? That's old news. That's really old news. But I...

When did they... What have I been jack? It isn't? That's old news. That's really old news. But I... When did they... What have I been jacking off to? Probablyplaygirl.com. They're still online. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. But they stopped printing magazines. Now, Playgirl...

What am I going to keep in my bathroom? Playgirl is a magazine predominantly was for gay men. Is that right? Yeah. I mean, it depicts sexy naked men. But it was marketed as if it was being marketed to ladies. As if women wanted to

look at that. I don't think they want to look at that. Once on the show, we talked about Playgirl, and I believe it was Mallory's boyfriend from Family Ties. Nick?

Nick. He posed for Playgirl. Oh, yeah. That guy was tough. In the buff? I think so. Buff and tough. Kind of like, did they show full talking balls?

Ready for snuff? I don't know. Because in Playboy, you would see breasts. And balls. But not breasts, balls. Now, Playboy was for transsexuals, right? Yeah. Primarily. Anything goes.

But, yeah, Dave, would they show what Ryan has? I think he would. I think he'd have a towel, but the towel was falling off. You would maybe see a little hint. But you'd see all chest, all chest, all back.

But there was a while, and I do these recaps of the episode, and also I'll post pictures of things. And I found the cover of that Playgirl with Nick from Family Ties on it. So I put that in the recap of that episode. And there was a while when, if you Googled me and then looked up the images, that was like in the first five. Now, because in the Playboy world, from the 70s on... I don't know how old Playgirl was. Did it start at the same time as Playboy? I think 70s is right.

I seem to think Burt Reynolds was kind of the first big... No, he did a centerfold in Cosmo. Oh, that wasn't Playgirl. That was nude, but that didn't have penis and balls. P and B. Peanut butter. I call it peanut butter. Yeah, Paul Bunyan.

But that leads me to believe... That's what Paul Bunyan. But that leads me to believe... How's your Paul Bunyan doing? Leads me to believe that Playgirl must then show PNV. It must. If Cosmo... Yeah. If Cosmo won't. They're not fucking Cosmo.

But like... I'm Wikipedia-ing Playgirl. Yeah. I don't know what I was going to ask there. There was something about pubic hair, but then I didn't. Because I thought about Nick's hair, and it was really feathered. I was like, was there an arrow where there was a feather? Playgirl was pounded.

Yeah, it was. It was pounded and founded in 1973. Yeah, you're right, Graham. But wasn't it founded? It wasn't like, it's not Hugh Hefner. He didn't go like, oh, I'm only reaching half of the potential audience. I've got to start cranking out. Straight man and gay man. Yeah, I'm only reaching half of the potential audience. I gotta start cranking out... Straight men and gay men.

Yeah, I need to get everybody on board. I don't know. When I was a kid... And was there a bunny? Did they have a male bunny? Yeah, it was a gopher. The male gopher. It was a capybara.

Just a gopher with a little bow tie. Yeah. When I was a kid, I don't remember thinking about this, but I must have. Because I knew what Playboy was before i had even seen one and i was obsessed with it yeah when i was like 10 i would have been that's one of the first things i searched on my dial-up modem was playboy not even porn just like playboy and then like an hour to load the bunny

you're like okay good okay good primer i wonder like I'm sure at the time I was like, oh, and girls must be obsessed with Playgirl. It only makes sense. Yeah. The fairer sex. Yep. Little 10-year-old girls are like, oh boy, when I'm old enough, I'm going to get me a Playgirl. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my older sister. Yeah, there's a... She's got a hookup. Mom's old playgirl's under the mattress. I had a Playboy that my brother stole. Oh, yeah? From the store? He had like a thing going where he would steal.

Had a porno ring going? Kind of a Playboy. No, a Playboy ring. It existed only in our bathroom. But there was always this drawer that didn't open in my house. And I accepted that was the drawer that didn't open in our bathroom that I shared with my brother. Nothing mysterious in this drawer of mystery. No, it was a drawer that can't open.

One day I was leaning on the drawer, just for whatever reason, as kids do. As kids do. Leaning on the drawer. do as kids do you know leaning leaning on the door but i with the weight i was leaning on it it went it went down and it came out because it was caught on the lip of the cabinet and the drawer that didn't open opened and inside there was a Playboy lingerie catalog. What? What was that? Catalog? It was a catalog to sell lingerie.

But I did not buy any. Did you realize that your brother had a part-time job selling lingerie? Yeah, he was just a legitimate businessman. And you didn't want anyone to know about it. A little creep like me. Yeah, he wasn't planning on paying any taxes. So he had the drawer locked. He figured it out long before I did.

He didn't want you to know how he was buying your birthday present. Yeah, he would get me a piece of lingerie every year. It's kind of a thing. And it's tasteful and nice. I'll wear it around during Christmas. But if he's coming over, I'll make sure to put it on. You know, just like a nice teddy. Yeah.

Nice teddy. What are the pieces of lingerie that you believe you can name? Teddy? Oh, here's the thing. Oh, lingerie? Teddy. Bra. Panties.

Teddy bra. Stockings. Ooh. Crotchless. Crotchless. Crotchless panties. Am I holding the right part of me? Garter. Stockings. Ooh. Crotchless. Crotchless. Crotchless panties. Am I holding the right part of me? Garter.

No, garters. Garter. I think it's garters. Garters. Corset. Garter. Corset. Yes, corset.

Boostier. Boostier. Ski masks. Ski masks. Technically lingerie. Like tomato is technically a fruit. Ski mask is technically. Because it's got holes in it. Technically it's lingerie. That's where technically a fruit. Ski mask is technically... Because it's got holes in it.

Technically it's lingerie. That's where you go and buy ski masks. Gloves? Gloves are like long gloves with crazy long fingers. I bet back in the day... Dangle them on your eyes. Ankle covers. Socks, you mean?

Yeah, socks. Ankle covers Slap bracelets You know who wore slap bracelets? My doctor For sure Oh wow So that's what I found

The drawer that wouldn't open Oh yeah that's the name of a short story You know there was always Was there anything in my house like that that was like a secret purposed not not really not that i discovered uh my parents uh locked the tv i think it sounds like porn over there no we were just this isn't like uh anything titillating it was just we were watching too much tv so my parents put a lock on the plug, like on the outlet. Right.

But then my brother found the key. We just watched TV. Exactly. We celebrated by watching TV. Yeah. Oh, wow. I don't think I ever found i never found anything juicy not that i didn't look but i never there wasn't any passageways no no what was that

did you hear that story about the guy that found the passageway in his house oh yeah yeah he like you know bought a place or rented the place and signed the lease and then then he found, like, a secret passageway, and there's, like, a crawl space. And there was, like, some fresh... Like candy wrappers? Yeah, like some stuff, debris in there that was, like... But it also could have been totally fake. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, it was on totallyfake.com.

It was a... Wasn't it just a series of photos he had put on Reddit? Yeah, it was on hoax.org. Yeah. Snopes.valid dot i actually got a little obsessed with a site on reddit uh let's not meet which is all creepy encounters which are mostly probably fake oh like a reddit devoted to like encounters with people who are truly creepy so what is like the people on there creepy are creepy, or they tell stories about people who are creepy?

They tell stories about personal experiences. Like, for instance, one very popular one is called The Smiling Man. Tell us the Smiling Man story. He's out for a walk late at night, and there's a man dancing and smiling. They often involve people smiling at inappropriate times. And then the guy dances around and kind of chases him and walks like a cartoon character. But it's pretty scary, but I bet it's fake. But why?

Nothing about that sounds fake. He walks like a cartoon character. Was he a safe with feet underneath him? No, you know when cartoon characters are trying to walk quietly? Oh, yeah, tippity-toe? Tippity-toe. So he was just a looney tune. He was a looney tune, but it's an odd thing and maybe a terrifying thing to see late at night walking home alone.

Oh, totally. Someone being like a Looney Tunes. Oh, so these aren't these people on the thing saying, hey, let's meet, and then other people saying, no, let's not. Yeah, well, there is that. Oh, there is that. Okay. But this is about creepy encounters. Wow.

I like the idea of just a deading website where it's just like find find your creepy counterpart right creeps only yeah like have you been ousted from every other did morticia and gomez meet creeps only.org like they live in a world where no one else is a weird adams family exactly and they are both into like murder yeah and like all this macabre. And their kids are totally okay with it. But how are the kids gonna find love?

They'll probably have to marry each other. Pugsley and Christina Ricci. Yeah. One was played by an actress and one was just Pugsley. Christina Ricci as herself. You know what? She would fit. She's cool.

She's totally cool. One of them was going to get married to what was the one that had all the hair? Cousin It? Oh, he was a cousin. Was Cousin It a citizen? Of Earth? I feel like Cousin It is less than a citizen.

It shouldn't get to vote. I don't think Cousin It can vote. Yeah, because he feel like Cousin It is less than a citizen Like it shouldn't get to vote I don't think Cousin It can vote Yeah, well because he's got no hands or anything Yeah, he physically can't vote What about that guy that's just a hand? He can vote Thing, thing, thing Now in the original Addams Family he was just Clearly a guy in a box

I love that But in the movie he's like a hand that walked around Yeah, yeah That was played by Gene Hackman in the movie. Oh, really? Yeah, Gene Hackman. That's right. In a green screen suit.

Wow, he got paid $20 million. He also played him on the TV show. That's why they brought him back. Exactly. He's like, no one will play Thing but me. Hand out of the box. You know, what is that guy? Was it just a guy that was there?

Or did they hire a guy oh it had to be like a hand model or like someone he would do this this is yeah he would snap really good yeah and then like you know if they asked him a question he'd go like yeah i don't i guess you do have to now that i'm doing it i'm like oh there's a lot of emotions yeah exactly it's a part go quack quack right no he never made any noise he would sign his name i guess i should own up to the fact that in high school in a play i played i did i'm not joking i was in a box i was the hand i was in a box and i would come up at times actually there was two of us because sometimes thing would be on the

other side of the room oh right so there was two boxes with human beings inside them. And they would come up at times. And that was my... What was it? Adam's Family, the play? The students... Adam's Family Values. Some theater geeks, let's call them, wrote a play based on the Adams family.

Using all of the characters. Using all the characters. But they actually did add an extra D in the name of the Addams, so to fend off all the lawsuits that were going to come. Right, sure, from the merchandise. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wow. I played Thing.

Yeah, the play was called Thing Finds the Playboy. And that's where I got the bug to be an actor. Sitting in that box. Yeah, sweating, not sure. Jerking off to that Playboy live on stage yeah well oh yeah what did you did you were you had this new found you knew a thing about this lingerie catalog did you use it against your brother or did you take advantage no i just didn't tell anyone i was like this is now something i know about and knowledge is power so did you take advantage? No, I just didn't tell anyone. I was like, this is now something I know about. Knowledge is power.

So did you just lean on the drawer whenever you wanted? Yes, like a magic move. I did it. It's funny. Do you think that night when you went to have dinner that everybody at the table knew there was something? Something's new about running. My brother probably knew. We made eyes.

Yeah. So you've opened the drawer that cannot be opened. I felt like most of my teenage years, everyone knew what was going on with me at all times. It's true. It's true, and if you were called out on it, you would melt into a pile. You'd just, ah, no, don't ever talk about it. I need to go take another shower. He's the cleanest boy on the street.

That's our boy. Clean David. Clean Dave. Clean Eddie. What's going on with you, Dave? Oh, boy. Well, this week, I had Monday off. Nice.

Did not know that. Oh, yeah, Family Day. It was Family Day. Family Day in BC here. Yeah, which I did not know. I knew yeah, Family Day! It was Family Day. Family Day in BC here. Yeah, which I did not know. I knew that that was a thing. It's only, I think it's the second year that it's been a holiday.

But it really snuck up on me. It's nice of them to put Family Day and Valentine's Day all in one week. Really hit it home, what you do and do not have in your life. Yeah, and what you should be doing. Procreating. So I totally didn't know that was coming up so i spent the day uh oh we were supposed to get a snowstorm oh yeah never came and so snow suit out yeah no i had planned out my day to be

like all right uh 6 30 wake up look at the snow yeah let grandpa run around in it take instagram pictures uh uh delight in it and the snow never came and i was i was uh bummed but my whole uh my whole day plan was to not have to go anywhere yeah yeah just just downstairs cleaning up the gt snow racer getting it ready oh what a sled what a sled Has there ever been a better sled? Nope. Endorsed by Brett Hull. Which was the GT snow racer? Did it have skis? Yeah, it had a steering wheel. Oh, man.

Was it just cool looking or did it work great? It was good for jumps. Was it? Yeah. I only have one of those blue crazy carpets. What do you call them? The magic carpet? Those are good for ruining your asshole. I only have one of those blue crazy carpets. What do you call them? The magic carpet? Or the... We had...

Those are good for ruining your asshole. We had like the disc, whatever, just the plastic circle. Oh, yeah. And they all work great. Oh, as long as you get to the top of a hill. Yeah, I know you said the GT racer is good for jumps. They're all good for jumps. The sledding industry is a great industry

to get into, because anything you find can be a sled. You know, like a piece of tinfoil. There's people that use shovels. The exact opposite of their intended purpose. Not to make snow fun, to work with snow. To make snow work. And then I spent the day,

Abby and I, we had meant to watch uh true detective oh yeah uh and then we watched all of it uh all just the four episodes that exist and you're uh you approve you loved it it's so good yeah i don't want to be that person but it's so good you guys like mcconaughey wouldn't sign on for B-plus stuff, guys. This is A-minus. Have you seen any of it? No, nothing. Oh, you should see it. I'm behind. I'm behind on a lot of things.

Not on bullies getting there. Not on bullies. Not on catch a predator. I am very knowledgeable. Catch a predator, punch a bully. You got it. Dot com. One YouTube thing that I've gone down a rabbit hole was wedding proposals, marriage proposals gone wrong.

Oh, gone wrong. Yeah. Like at a stadium? Yeah. Mostly ladies saying no, I suppose. The big famous one is there's one in a food court where a guy is like he starts his little speech. And this is the food court where we met and then her name's Caroline and his friend

comes over with a guitar and starts singing Sweet Caroline. Oh boy. Oh no. Oh boy. It's the best. At what point does it like she just gets up and leaves? It's evident immediately that she's not into it. She knows what's happening

and she's picking her spot. And at some point, she just says, like, I'm sorry, and leaves. I bet you at some point, she told him, you never listen. And he was like, no, I do listen. And she specifically said that she hates Sweet Caroline. She hates that song. She hates the food court. And he just didn't hear it.

And that was it. That was the final straw. You're going to propose to me with my least that song. She hates the food court. And he just didn't hear it. And that was it. That was the final straw. You're going to propose to me with my least favorite song. In front of New York fries. Yeah. In front of a Julius. Potato. Yeah, if you're going to propose in a food court, do it during breakfast.

Do it near the toilets. When there's no one there. Yeah. That's a good call. You never know. You do want witnesses, but not all the witnesses. You just want people on the morning shift. Teenagers.

They understand love, right? Oh, boy. Is there a more miserable place than a food court? Not many. No? Like a full food court? What do you mean? To propose in?

No, just in general. To have a full food court. To exist. What about places like, that is one of the worst places to propose. I mean, just because it's one of the worst places. But really, what is one of the worst places to propose? Victoria's Secret store. Hot air balloon.

Somewhere where the person can't escape. That's really, yeah. In a war, I would imagine. In the midst of a war. Sounds romantic, but there's a war going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the time of cholera. Oh romantic, but there's a war going on. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the time of cholera. Oh, yeah.

At the VD clinic. Under the sea. On the sea. Anywhere sea adjacent. In space. No one can hear you propose. That should be the tagline of a romantic comedy two astronauts from different countries get stuck on a george clinton oh yeah gravity it existed already i've been drago and

sandra balk and vin diesel as the space shuttle we're having fun yeah um so yeah you should watch true detective okay i will don't disagree like i haven't seen a lot of things though guys there's a lot of yeah but like there's a lot of these things that i haven't seen either yeah and i'm uh like abby abby watches all like abby will watch uh justified uh sons of anarchy everything abby watches is about bikers. Yeah. And this is also about bikers. We're three or four episodes in, and suddenly there's a biker gang, and it's like, wait a minute. There's nothing more.

Is there a show on TV that's not about bikers? Not anymore. There's nothing. There's no gang more intimidating than a biker gang, unless there were airplane gangs, in which case they would be the jet gangs. Oh, yeah. Squadron jet. Jet boat gang.

Yeah. Oh, no. How about a Sea-Doo? Like a Sea-Doo gang. Okay. case they would be the jet gangs real jet jet boat gang yeah oh no how about i guess i do i guess okay like a sea do oh a submarine gang don't even see them coming till the last second snow machine gang uh snowmobile well i mean gt snow racer i'm from i like i'm from alaska i like snow machine they just drag around snow machines and fucking make snow. No, Sarah Palin's husband, Todd Palin, called them snow machines. That's pretty cool. Yeah, he's cool.

He's cool. Oh, Todd Palin, he's scary. Yeah, I met him. Did you? No, sorry. I don't know why. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to think you were cool for meeting Todd Palin. So, yeah, that's my week. It was family day. You spent it with family. I spent it with family. My new family, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. And I watched The Wolf of Wall Street as well. Oh yeah.

I watched that illegally. Oh, Dave. Well, no, I get screeners. I'm a member of the movie pirater guilt yeah should we should we pirate this cast your vote I think I've told that said that joke before but that movie is very long like it's too long yeah she's gonna say Z he just you know Scorsese, he just likes it long. Let's him go long.

That's what he likes. That was all one take. They just let him go long. It was a herald. It's an improv form called the herald. It started Patrick McKenna. From Traitors. Oh, correct!

Greg, what's new with you what is new I went to Victoria BC okay home of the government oh yeah

sure the provincial government provincial government the royal city that's not true yeah you know we've got Princess

Margaret Summers there and it's you have to do you know, we've got Princess Margaret Summers there. And you have to... Do you know what the Royal City is? New Jersey. New Westminster. New Westminster, British Columbia. Ah, shit.

Should have got that. I'm sure there's many places that call themselves the Royal City. Yeah, sure. Well... London, Ontario, maybe. Yeah, sure. Royalton. Yeah, Crown City, USA. Sussex, Maine. Royalton. Yeah, Crescent. Crown City, USA.

Sussex, Maine. Yeah. Queens. Scepter. Scepterville. Duke University. Wear a crown, New Mexico. Royalsburg.

Yeah. Capes? Is that a thing? Cape. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that a thing? Cape. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Cape Canaveral. Thronton. Thronton Abbey.

Yeah, so you go to Victoria from Vancouver, you can only, if you're rich, you can take a plane. If you're everybody else, you can take a boat and just hate it. It takes all frickin' day, too. It takes all day. But if you're especially not rich, you can take a boat and just hate it. It takes all freaking day, too. It takes all day. But if you're especially not rich, you can take a bus onto a boat. Which is exactly what I did. And it's, man, man, oh, man. It was a long weekend because of this fucking made-up holiday.

This goddamn family day. It's out of sync with the rest of the goddamn country. It's where the only place in the country that has, every other province has this family day that's out of sync with the rest of the goddamn country it's where the only place in the country that has every other province has this family day it does sound like a mate it is it is legitimately is a made-up holiday that didn't exist a few years ago but they could have put it could have come up with a better name for it and they could have put it on the same day as every other province so that everybody's celebrating family day on this yeah so anyways it's just this crock of shit holiday but everybody takes this whole weekend and so the whole ferry was just

packed and people here's families loving each other well they wouldn't nobody's loving each other on the ferry people on the ferry it just uh they have bile in their soul i mean it depends if they're uh if they've just had a bc burger at the old the white spot yeah then they have bile in their souls and in their no bile did you know you can for 25 dollars rent something called a state room yes somebody talked to me about this trip oh sure you can yeah you don't know no what do you mean Oh, sure you can. Yeah. You don't know? What do you mean, I do?

What do you mean, I do? No, I don't. I don't, I don't. Of course not. Of course not. You joined the zero miles high club? Yeah, the... The sea level club?

The miles wet club? No, but I did rent it once to play a board game with a friend. It's a private room on the ferry and you don't have to look at all the people. Is there only one or... There's a bunch. There's a few. I totally wouldn't do that myself. What if half the boat was private rooms that no one knew about? That's why it's so crowded. But you have to lean on the door a certain way to get it to open.

Oh, a private room. Playboy's in here. That's pretty good. Just the catalog. Did the lingerie catalog have nudity? Yes. Okay. But they were also trying to sell lingerie.

Yeah, yeah. So every other page was an order form. There was an order form at the back, but I mean, okay. I mean, it really wasn't about the lingerie. Yeah, I get it. But they offered it. Yeah. But a lot of the lingerie, you couldn't really tell if it was good or not.

It was there, but it was barely there. Because they had pulled it off and scrunched it up to reveal their bodies. Yeah, but they show that it's durable. They are technically wearing it as well. That's what women want in lingerie, something they can wear every day. Yeah, something that scrunches well. I could wear that to the gym. I could wear this teddy to work.

Teddy scrunches well. So the ferry's packed. People are doing this, the real jerky thing where there's a seat for them and then a seat for their luggage, right? And so there's no seats anywhere. And so I'm on the ferry with past guest and longtime friend Alicia Tobin. And we end up sitting on the floor like a couple common hobos. Boat hobos. Hobos. Yeah, just hobos uh boat hobos just just yeah and uh love bonobos yeah well just miserable and then this uh a couple had their their kid

and they put their kid they had a kid the couple had a baby right there they put this kid down in front of us and just told the kid to dance, and the kid starts doing this crazy dance, and it was the cutest thing, and then the dad spins the kid. Did they just say the word dance? Yeah, said dance, and the kid started dancing. They didn't even shoot the ground around him? Nope, and it was a little girl, and then the dad spun the girl once, and then she just spun for the next half hour, just in a circle.

And then whenever the mom would say, dance, she'd stop, do a jig, and then go back to spinning around a circle. Tourists were coming over and taking pictures of her, and it became like this big... And how close was this to you? We were front row center. Oh, nice. Yeah. Dinner and a show. It turned from being the absolute just heading, you know...

A real boatparty.biz. Yeah, yeah. We really... It turned around. So it was a family day. And at the end of the bit, they said, ask for money. And she went around and just had a little hat. And then she pretended she was a robot.

Gave her money and then she just threw it on the ground. Because she doesn't know. She doesn't care about money. Yeah, exactly. But anyways, so that little girl just goes't know. She doesn't care about money. Yeah, exactly. Um, but anyways, uh, so that little girl just goes to show one person can make a difference. Yeah.

Right. Uh, who had that song changed the world? Uh, John Mayer. I could change the world. Eric Clapton. Eric Clapton.

Yeah, Eric Clapton. Looking into my father's eyes. Something, something, something. You'd be something good, baby, if I could change the world. Also this one. Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Wait a minute, does Eric Clapton think he's going to heaven Seeing his kid and his kid's gonna snub him? Yeah

And also, in your interpretation, he's some sort of He's a gerbil or a rabbit? Yeah, he's a squirrel He does a lot of percussive Yeah, he does a lot of beatbox Would you know my name? Yeah, he doesn't lot of beatbox. I forgot that. Would you know my name? Yeah, this one's good to snub him.

You know how sometimes songs have a bracketed title after the title? It's called, the bracketed title after the title is, Just Be Cool. Tears in Heaven. Just be cool, son. Just be cool, okay? I want to fit in in heaven. Oh yeah, because you will have been there a long time. Tears in heaven, just be cool. Just be cool. This is macabre.

I know, I'm sorry. But even worse, I slow danced to that in grade 7 dozens of times. This was a romantic song. I read Ryan's Playboy to that song. One of those e-cards that has music when you open it up.

Not e-cards, regular cards. Excuse me. Paper cards. E-cards. E in the sense that electricity is involved. Yeah, electricity card. Yeah, an electric card. Who killed the electric card?

You gotta plug those in if you want them to stay. It's the thing you don't realize when you buy them. What? Cards. Oh, yeah. You're still on cards. Keep them plugged in. Oh, boy.

All right. Well, let's mosey on now over to a little segment we call Overheards. Hey, guys. This is Kimberly Clark. on now over to a little segment we call overheards hey guys this is kimberly clark and you need to just calm your little self down and get under the goose down with me and jasper red you can catch us on maximumfund.org or you can hear us on itunes and no farting under the covers either this is and i'm theresa and we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast.

Guess what? We both just had babies. Again. Check out the show enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or MaximumFun.org.

Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which, if you're lucky enough to spend a lot of time by yourself, I guess, out in the world. You can be with someone, you just have to hush them. Yeah, this is important. These people, I gotta think. And we always like to start this segment with the guest. You said you got one that's hot to trot Well, it's...

Yes, I have one Because I thought before I came here I should think of one Yeah, thank you for doing it Sometimes it's a little off the cuff But this time I was at a Canucks game Ooh, this is a hockey squad It's a hockey squad Professional hockey squad

In Vancouver Yes They're in the National Hockey League The National Hockey League, the Canucks And they were playing the Edmonton Oilers And this was my first Canucks game I've been to in a long time Many years Has no bearing on the story

Afterwards, the Oilers had won No Yeah, the Oilers won and everyone was kind of sad Did everyone have a big cry? People were kind of crying And there was a lot of Oilers fans there, obviously. Why is that obvious? Well, they're a Canadian team, and many Canadians have moved around.

Many Canadians have moved to Vancouver. Right, because it's cold everywhere else. It's cold everywhere else. They moved to Vancouver, and they still cheer for the hockey team. They still wear their dumb jerseys. Yeah, exactly. They walk around hot, hot, hot, etc. So the Oilers have won, and a gentleman was wearing a Gretzky jersey,

arguably one of the better hockey players of all time. One of the great ones. And a guy who can be in the back of a pickup truck and light the Olympic. That's right. Absolutely. That was so weird. It was like something happened. Something broke down.

Like, just get him there. Did you watch the opening ceremonies of the most recent Olympics? I haven't. There was a bear that looked like he was smoking a marijuana. But there was a... There were two Russian-Olympians who, they had to make a trek out of the stadium to light the

torch. But it wasn't as low-ranked as putting Gretzky in a pickup truck putting Gretzky in a pickup truck. Gretzky in a pickup truck. So he's wearing a Gretzky jersey. The Oilers had won, and a Canucks fan walked up to him. And I was just passing, trying to get out. It was a madness.

The game was over. It was many, many people. And Gretzky, of course, was the captain of the Oilers. Hockey captains wear the C on their jersey. The C like a body of water? Yeah, yeah. So they choose the C. The Mediterranean.

Yeah, exactly. Caspian. And the Canucks fan walked up to the Oilers fan wearing the Gretzky thing and pointed at the C and said, hey, what's the C stand for? Cantaloupe? This is so weird. The dumb melon head. Stupid. You don't get to do that when you lose Exactly Against Wayne Gretzky He was good

He was a pretty shitty guy What does that stand for? Get out of here you fruit What's the A stand for? Avocado Hey get this, guys. Hey, everybody take a look at Mr. Mellon over here. When you're a jock and your team loses, you feel a lot of emotions and you don't know

how to process them with your dumb jock brain. Exactly. Now, I'm... This guy's a kid a little poor. I'm more of an erudite hockey fan. You like the Canucks? You love them? Yeah.

I have a calendar right behind me. I'm erudite hockey fan. You like the Canucks? You love them. Yeah. I have a calendar right behind me. Yeah. I'm an urbane hockey fan. It's a lot of shirts off for a hockey calendar. Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. It's the... Shirts and skins edition.

Right. I have a special hockey calendar. Just the nudes. Tasteful. Tasteful nudes. Tasteful nudes. Of the local hockey players. Tasteful nudes.

Professional and amateur. The amateur ones, they're more real. Yeah. They're willing to, you know what I mean? They're willing to go that extra level. Yeah, and a lot of times they don't know they're being photographed. Yeah, it's like in the shower. Hot lockers.

One of them seems to know because they're the one photographing. They're kind of pointing and yelling at the camera like they've found it. Yeah, the one guy that's giving the thumbs up. He knows. But yeah, no, it feels so bad when your team loses. That's the worst. And I'm a Chicago Cubs fan, baseball. Wait, what does that C stand for?

Cantaloupes? Can't win? Chicago Cantaloupes. I wish it was the Chicago Cantaloupes. But you know what? I respect that. It builds character. When people are like Yankees fans or Lakers fans,

like, oh, hey, I picked this team that always wins. Yeah, it's great. I get to celebrate all the time. Oh, it's awesome. Exactly. Well, it is fun to win, though. It is fun to win. But when the Cubs finally win,

it'll be so much better. Yeah, you'll be rooting for the home team. If they don't win, it's a shame. If you don't win, somebody's going to come up and call you a cantaloupe. Frickin' cantaloupes. Dave, you got another one? Oh, brother.

Yesterday, last week, last week is the, yesterday is the last week of days, of times. Yeah. You were actually talking about this on the podcast, and I didn't know whether to use that

overheard or not, but last week I was riding the bus, and you talked last week on the podcast about how backpacks are getting bigger. When you get on the bus, you notice that people's backpacks are in your face yes hitting me knocking me around and uh i was this was what when my car had broken down and i took the bus uh and my life got turned upside down like Let me tell you a story. Like a fresh print of a certain place. I whistled for a cab.

What a cab. License plate said bus. Still dice in the mirror. So I was sitting on the bus and this guy was actually talking about giant backpacks. There were two guys behind me. They both sounded Eastern European. Like English wasn't their first language, but I guess they didn't have a common language to speak,

so they spoke English. And so one of them was talking about how he sees people with these giant backpacks, you know, like a 90 liter backpack and uh it's just it's too much it's too much seeing that many liters and the other guy said well i have 120 liter backpack but i was a boy scout oh it's so metric he knows how to handle it i don't even know how to envision 120 liters of backpack. No, me neither. Even if it was...

I mean, I use the metric system. I know what a liter looks like. If I say two liters, what are you picturing? Why did you ask me with my mouth full? I'm picturing a milk carton. Yeah, exactly. And four liters, I'm picturing a milk jug. Yeah, a gallon. So that would be 60 two-liter milk cartons. Four liters? I'm picturing a milk jug.

A gallon. That would be 62 liter milk cartons. Yeah. That's huge. Or, 34 liter milk jugs. That's heavy, bro. You do the math. You shouldn't be carrying around that much milk, if you ask me.

Unless you're a cow. Or, 480 of those little 250 milliliters. Oh, fun. Creamers. Excuse me. Yeah, Graham, do you have an overheard? I do. But speaking of things from last week, I want to thank the, there was two people who sent

in, we asked for clarification about gay sub-genres. Oh, yeah, no, three people did. I only saw the... Two gays and a lesbian. Oh, I remember that show. And a pizza place. Two gays, a lesbian, a pizza place. But there was all sorts of clarification, and I don't remember all of the categories.

Yeah, but I think we determined that you are now a ZZ Bottom. ZZ Bottom was what... Oh, cool. But Bottom was what, yeah. Cool. But there was like, do you know all this bear and otter? Otters. I know otter and bear. And wolf and twink. And we decided that Kevin Lee of the Sunday Service is an otter.

Yeah, we decided he was totally an otter. For sure. And that's, again, that's someone with facial hair who's thin. Facial hair, not as hairy as a bear, but also, yeah, leaner. I don't think it was an age thing. I think it was a size. Yeah. Yeah, and hair thing.

Yeah, and there was polar bears. Those are old bears. Yeah, that's right, yeah. And then there was wolves. Spirit bears. They're just bears who are in touch with their spirituality. Yeah, religious bears. Panda bears are Asian.

Yep, for sure. Koala bears are Asian yep for sure koala bears are Australian yes absolutely and they're shorter they're much they're tiny they've got crazy hair

coming out of their ears yeah they're not technically bears and neither are panda bears they're related to records they fuck right crazy oh boy they all do

yeah they're like Olympians in the Olympic village you know what I mean wind them up let them go. Oh, yeah. Speaking of any Tinder updates? Nothing's spectacular.

Nothing you want to make public. You're on Tinder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying it out. Do you know any people on Tinder? I knew people, but they're now in relationships. But you also know more people on Tinder than you think you do you do probably yeah absolutely what's the world i don't know how how often do you see someone you know on tinder every 30 people there's one person that i'm like

oh yeah i know that person or or a person that i've definitely seen around you know right and uh it's uh so it's weird that that is kind of i'm it It's great that you brought it up on the show last week, because I feel like it's shameful. But you're owning it. People won't now be like, I think I saw that podcast guy on the show. He's on there, and he's out there, man. People are going to be looking for it. Oh, yeah. Say hey.

Drop by. Say hello. So this is my overheard. This is from the ferry. Is this another gay term? Nope. There's a bunch of guys, and they were obviously in the midst of discussing workers' comp. And one guy was basically breaking down mathematically what he was willing to do to get workers' comp.

And he was showing which fingers he wouldn't mind not having. And so he was like, you could take this one and point it to the index one. Or you can have these two, the ring finger and the pinky. So you can have the one cool digit or these two garbage digits. But the middle finger not up for grabs. No way! How's he going to tell the world how he feels about the sports team? How's he going to finger the saw

that took his other fingers? Fuck that saw, man. Yeah, but it's, these guys were planning it out. Because I think this one is worth, the index is worth more than the ring and the pinky. Sure. It should be.

Yeah, because these don't. Have you ever shook the hand of someone who's lost a finger? Yeah. I knew a guy who had none. It's all gone. It takes you by surprise if you don't see it coming. Skin is very soft when it's I didn't do any rubbing.

Oh, I got it right in my face. That's what I like to do after I get a handshake. Oh, I have that calendar. Graham Clark's hand rubbings. Do you think we could get Workman's Comp as podcasters? What are our dangers?

We've been putting in money into it, so why not take it? I guess that's true. Yeah. Also, I'll be damned if I don't get my podcast pension. Yeah, well, we're only 10 years away from a real good podcast pension. You know what? I'm one day from retirement.

Oh, dang, are you? Oh, don't say that, buddy. Oh, no. You'll be fine. We're just installing this new robot machine gun that shouldn't shoot us for any reason. Wait, why does a podcast need that? Security? Security from other podcasts.

Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Encrouchment. Encrouchment. Speaking of which, we also have people who have sent in overheards from all over the place. Oh, encroaching on our podcast. On our whole thing. If you want to do the same,

you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. Two guys in your swivel chairs, swiveling away. So swiveling. Can't stop. No, me neither. It's such a smooth swivel, I think. It's a great chair. From Ikea.

It's really, really nice. I think it's called the Marcus, the Matthias, the Magnus. Oh, speaking of overheards sent in by other people, a couple of people have been saying that last week either they've heard one of the overheards that we did, the one about the Hawaiian shirt, or they think that we may have been pranked. A double-dipped? Yeah. We may have been pranked.

But it wasn't good enough to be one of those, you know, like... I mean, I guess I speak for all of us when I say, who cares? All right, moving on. And 90% of the feedback I get from people listening to the show at this point is to correct me or tell me I was wrong in some way. So, go fuck yourselves. I guess that's the official word. That's not true. A lot of people go right and they just say, I'm in Philadelphia and I'm doing my thing.

Yeah, that's true. We've got a lot of that. We've got a lot of nice people. Cool. You know, nice, nice people. Salt to the earth. Absolutely. Salt in the air.

Salting the earth so nothing may grow. So this first one comes from Johnny E. of the UK. Is that the same Johnny E. who wrote... Johnny England. Yeah, Johnny England. Johnny English. Oh, yeah, Johnny England. Who wrote...

Who wrote our new business theme? Oh, I would assume as much. Johnny E.? Yeah, yeah, I mean... How many could there be? Yes, let's say it's Johnny E. This... Thanks, Ryan. Yeah, I mean How many could there be? Yes, let's say it's Johnny E This is from a Facebook post And it has an accompanying video, which is quite cute And it's basically

A friend of mine teaches mixed martial arts in Japan right now Via Facebook, he recounted this superb little dialogue with one of his students This is him sparring with a little kid. So the guy's name is Keicho. And Keicho says, do your special move. And the kid goes, what's my special move? And Keicho says, flying. And the kid says, huh?

And then he punches the kid. The kid's holding a pad. The kid flies across the room. And then there's a video of him doing it. The kid's just waiting with his pad, and the guy goes, and the kid just, That's pretty good. Yeah.

What's your special move? You know what it is. Oh, boy, that's the dying. I mean, kids, one of the best things about them is that they are resilient, and you can throw them around. And throwable. They're infinitely throwable. They love it.

They love to be thrown. Pick up a kid, just toss them. Yep. Fun. Toss them around. Or lift them up to the ceiling. Yeah, bench press. Do something that scares them and they'll get really scared.

I had a babysitter. And then they'll tell you to do it again. I had a babysitter that would bench press me over his head. Oh, I bet. You loved it. I did not. I was a bit of a dork. Yeah, my siblings would pick me up by my ears.

Really? Yeah, it didn't feel good. Yeah. Those don't stretch. Well, they do now. My dad told them to stop. Oh, good. Nice of your dad to intervene.

Stepped in. This next one comes from Sean H. in virginia do you have a no last name policy you bet we don't want you'd rather not involve them elementary school style we don't want any strangers picking them up pretending they know that was me you overheard me motherfucker or you know your dad said for us to pick you up so get in our van oh Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, the story checks out. Yeah. So this is Sean H. from Virginia. I have a friend who teaches at a college in Savannah, Georgia. Oh, I do declare.

Yeah. I do declare. And she shares some gems with me from time to time that she's found in papers submitted to her. She's told me this while visiting recently. And with her permission, I'm sharing it with you by the way this was the first line of the paper that had been submitted and in quotes ramona quimby age eight like all all books written by women has no plot Is that from the Ramona and Beezus series? I don't know. Is that Universe?

That would be as good a guess as any. And are there English classes where you can read children's books? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's great. Yeah. I want in.

Super fudge. Like all books written by women. I took a class only on super fudge in university. What was it called? It was called Super Fudge 102. 101 was just reading super fudge. 102 was discussing. And 103 was making fudge.

That was super. Making super fudge. making super fudge. I have a feeling that my university, like, every university paper, or 90%, it contains something ridiculous, because you're trying to get to this ridiculous word count.

Oh, sure. And anyway, also, also, in that time period, I have a quote from another book that I only read a quote from. I only read a page from. I've got to get at least five sources.

What was the spacing on this again? Quadruple? Quadruple space? This last one's Patrick from Minneapolis. I was helping a co-worker set up a rush shipment of our product. He doesn't say what it is. A rush CDs. Yeah. To Canada.

He says, uh, he called the shipping company and misunderstood the operator's name. Her name was Christie, but he heard crispy. And for the rest of the conversation, he called her. Anyways, have a good day there crispy crispy that's not gonna work for me what i'm snapping over here i'm crackling i'm popping i never speak with crispy i never remember the name of the person when they introduced themselves on the phone especially yeah crispy answers the phone this crime must have read the

whatever the the seven habits of highly intimate people or whatever crispy should have been whatever it was yeah highly highly captain crunches like oh yeah sure crispy should like crispy should be his parrot or something like that. Oh, yeah. What did he fight? The Soggies. He fought the Soggies. And he won. Well, I mean, it's an odd one. Every now and then.

He won the battle. He lost a lot of good men, though. A lot of men died. Were the cavity creeps involved in this battle? I can only assume. On the side of the Soggies. No, on the side of Captain Crunch. He was the one making cavities.

Exactly. That's true. He made an unholy alliance with the cavity creeps. No, it would be on the side of Captain Crunch. He was the one making Cavendish. That's true. He made an unholy alliance with the Cavendish. Yeah, it is complicated. They're like orcs. Yeah. Exactly. But he had to because they could get in with the soggies.

Yeah, they speak grunt. Yeah, they speak milk. Was there a breakfast cereal less in danger of being soggy than Captain Crunch? Oh, yeah. No, it's true. I mean, it's lacquered. It's true. It is like it's the only...

And it's super light. It would float right above the milk. It wasn't... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It had anti-gravity. Yeah, you're right. It's weird that... Because that was such a big deal. It's like it stays crunchy. I guess that's the-gravity. Yeah, you're right. It's weird that, because that was such a big deal.

Like, it's like, it stays crunchy. I guess that's the point, though. Yeah. Like, it doesn't even, the Soggies don't even get close. No, no. The Soggies are up in your mini-weeds. Yeah, really, the Soggies are the enemy of all cereal. Captain Crunch is kind of our Winston Churchill in that scenario.

The greatest warrior of all time. Yeah. The world's greatest warrior. And when he died, people lined up forever to see his body. Captain Crunch. Lying in state. Count Chocula.

Count Chocula did the imagery. Oh, I thought you were going to say he did the did the did the monster match did the monster match oh it was a graveyard smash

it is no overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls it was a great I have a good

overheard yeah Dracula went whatever happened to the transylvanian twist it's now the mash. It's now the mash.

Stop living in the past. Yeah, come on. I'll tell you what happened to the Transylvanian twist. Look, there were dance crazes every week. We've been through Chubby Checkers hits on this show. Absolutely. The Shumka twist. Yep.

Someone put that on Wikipedia, and someone took it off. And also, someone has it off and also someone has taken off the chubby checker song uh you stopped twisting why i love it um okay so in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls our phone number is 206-339-8328 hey dave and graham this is luke calling in an overheard. I'm looking on a website about kidney stones because I think I might be passing one today, but that's unrelated. And over on the side, under awareness campaign, it just said listed, let's talk about bowel control. That's pretty good. That's a salt and pepper song, isn't it?

Let's talk about bowel control. Let's talk about colon cancer. Let's talk about all the bad things and the bad things. In your butt. Let's talk about butts. Let's talk about butt ladies. And the fellas. But that wasn't Salt-N-Pepa.

The song I was just singing wasn't Salt-N-Pepa. Yeah, it was. Was it? Yeah. Okay, good. What did you think was en vogue? CC Music Factory, I'm't know, CC Music Factory? CC Aniston?

CC Aniston. Oh, Dave. So many fist pumps. Okay, next phone call. Hi, this is Emily from Arcata, California, and I have an overheard. I'm walking past this couple in their car car and the girl opens up the car passenger side car door and i hear coming out of the car so uh i guess we can be friends at some point right and the girl goes uh yeah maybe oh yeah cold as ice. Yikes. Well, it's a lot to process once you've been dumped.

Yeah. I assume. Oh, so the dumper was saying, we can be friends. And she was... I mean, I... She was being a little passive aggressive. Was it two women? Sorry?

No, no, no. It was the woman and a man. The woman and a man, I assume. Okay, cool. 90%. Not that it matters. Love is love. Love is love.

Yeah, absolutely. We accept all. Breakups are breakups. Love is love. Macklemore, et cetera. Macklemore, the worst. are breakups etc um or the worst what yo i'm the worst he's not the best he's in the top two he's definitely in the top mclemore and ryan lewis one and two um but uh in a breakup i think usually it's the person

breaking up with the other person who's saying saying, hey, let's... Who offers the, hey, we can be friends. Exactly. Oh, yeah, that's true. The person who's being dumped very rarely says, yeah, so is friendship still on the table? Exactly. Are we going to do this non-sexually? Like, just have a... Yeah, that's true.

Oh, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And the, yeah, maybe very, very much a dumped... Harsh. Maybe. Harsh. Maybe. Just, this will be post-Valentine's Day when this comes out. But, it's the right time of year.

We're recording this the day before Valentine's. Our hearts are on the line. Do you guys want to hear what I said to my first girlfriend when she dumped me in grade 7? Here we go. And I knew she was going to dump me. The day before I asked, do you still like me? And she said, I have to think about it. Whoa.

What made you ask that question? I heard she liked another boy. Okay. Yeah. No, she had every right. Angus McDougal. Who? Angus McDougal.

Sounds tough. Angus McDougal. And she came back and she dumped me. Our next day. Did he like her? No. No one liked her. No, no.

Everyone liked her. She was great. Julia Brewster just had a kid. Good for you, Julia. That sniff was. Everyone liked her. She was great. Julia Brewster just had a kid. Good for you, Julia. That sniff was a sniffle. That sniff was cocaine. Thank you for putting up with my coke use. Putting up with it.

I knew she was going to dump me. I wanted to make her feel bad. I wanted to say something that would make her go like, whoa. I need to take some time out. That was harsh. Oh, boy. I cannot have Angcdougall's baby today but what what i said was something that made that was like laughable and made me a laughing stock oh no school she said okay so we're dumped we're dumped now are you gonna hate me forever she asked me that's are you gonna hate me forever i said no

and she said where are you going because i walked forever? She asked me this. Are you going to hate me forever? I said, no. And she said, where are you going? Because I walked away and I said, oh, I don't know. I'll just be downstairs drowning myself. And I walked out the door. Was there a body of water there? Downstairs, totally useless to say. I guess

I went downstairs. I knew I was going downstairs. But water was available on every floor. I guess I'm just going to go. I heard her laughing as I laughed. I thought you were going to say, drown my sorrows. Which would have also been funny for a kid to say. Drowning my sorrows.

Funnier. Graham, what was the name of your first girlfriend? Jennifer? Jennifer Stevens. Sounds white bread. Yeah, no, she was from the Caribbean. Oh, really? Oh, wow.

She's from England time. Dutch Guiana. She is married and I believe also has a kid. Julia Brewster and what is it? Jennifer Stevens. Jennifer Stevens. Go get them, gals. Dave? Jennifer Stevens. Jennifer Stevens. Go get them, gals. Dave?

Abby Campbell. Isabella Rossellini. Oh! Sounds white. Sounds white pasta. I was really cool. I was a really cool baby. Yeah.

I see a picture of you with sunglasses on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoking. Why did I pick her? Could have gone Kathy Ireland. Is that on Friends? Yes. Ross is like, he encounters his list.

Yeah. Oh, Isabella Rossellini. She's like, you should have put me on the list. Well, he had put her on the list. That's my Italian, sorry. He had put her on the list. But he took her off. Took her off for Winona Ryder, who was local.

Because of the likelihood of meeting Isabella Ros rossolini in a central perk so low and she was like and he was like oh this is just a temporary list and she was like it's laminated blue velvet yeah it's a ridiculous movie um here is your final overheard of 2014 hey david Dave and Graham. This is Pat from Boston calling with an overheard. I was in the doctor's office waiting room today, and I heard the receptionist on the phone, and she said, yeah, you know that patient who came in last week and needed an interpreter? Yeah, well, the doctor just called, and he said she speaks English now. So we changed her medication, and now she is yeah yeah it's like the movie the john travolta movie phenomenon phenomenon yeah he learns uh

portuguese in 20 minutes but then not all of it but the the catch is right with the movie have you seen it um yeah he's an angel that's michael oh sorry that's michael but he's not your typical angel oh is that right he likes to fuck yeah drink he likes to fuck the devil his first girlfriend the devil the devil um would he know my name if i saw him in heaven probably yeah typical angel yeah but he's a guy who likes to work. He's a blue-collar angel. Well, Phenomenon dies. He dies of Phenomenania.

He has a tumor in his head that's what's making him so special and smart. It's not a miracle? It's not my fault at work? That's like Rookie of the Year when he dies at the end. His arm pushes on his heart. The Cubs lose the World Series at the end game. He lies in state in Wrigley.

Just staring up. We shouldn't have pushed him. Yeah, garden hoser. But then he throws from the grave. Yeah. Final strike. Yeah, the rigor mortis

sets in and he does one last strikeout. What a weird movie that was. Crazy movie. Yeah, really movie that was. Crazy movie. Yeah, really good. Funky butt loving. Now, we're here at the end of the show. And, Ryan, you've always got things going on, stuff to promote.

So much. Hit it. Well, can I talk about the thing we might be doing? Can that be one of the things? Yeah. The ring ending on Dan? That's going to happen, right? On the 25th.

On the 25th. Graham, you've probably heard him talk about it, maybe, or maybe he's never mentioned it, a classic wrestling curation show at which Dave was almost killed. Dave was at the last one. He's a brave man. He's gone back on the horse.

I've gone to most of them, other than the one right after I got killed. And I got killed. Yeah. Dave's been haunting this place ever since. And that's at the Mellon Gallery on the 25th of February. I'm not your average angel.

Which is Tuesday. Tuesday the 25th. Tuesday the 25th. And then Rap Battles, West Coast, because it started in Toronto. Yeah. Comedy Rap Battles show is on the 22nd.

I'll be on that one. And Dave's rapping. Do you have your character ready yet? Yeah. Do you know who you're going to be? Yeah. I will be rapping as past guest Ian Boothby. He will be J. Jonah Jameson, and I will be a Spider-Man.

Nice. Yeah. By which I mean a beatnik spider. It's going to be great. That's amazing. I'm thinking of being a JAG lawyer. A lawyer from the Judge Admiral's Office. Yeah.

Yeah. Who, did we know who was a JAG? Whose, like, grandfather was a JAG? I don't know. I was on the show. Like, I know what you're talking about, but I don't. Oh, well. Someone write in.

Or don't. Yeah. Someone write in and tell me how wrong I am. And then February 28th, the last day of February, Little Mountain Gallery. It's going to be a double-header of comedy. Uh-huh. At 8 p.m. It's about time. Competitive improv.

It's fun. Nice. Hosted by Brad McNeil. And then 10 p.m. We're going to do a panel show of a thousand topics. That sounds great. Which we just stumbled upon the other day because there was a cancellation. That sounds great.

I love a panel show. Yeah, a panel show. We just try to get through a thousand topics. Last time we got through 30, so we got some ground to make up. Nice. We're going to do it. We're going to do it.

Fun. We're going to do it one day. And every Sunday. And every Sunday you can see the Sunday service. Where? It used to be called the Cosmic Zoo. And it's now. Now it's called Seven Nightclub.

Interestingly, because it's next to a 7-Eleven Oh is it not themed after the murder I thought it was themed after that Scary movie It's after seven Instead of a mint you get a head in a box Do you Want to spoil the end of that movie

We just did Well if you haven't seen it by now Do you guys want me to spoil the end of True Detective? No No I'm four episodes in Okay And Blind Tiger

Is this something? If you want to learn how to be A comedy type of person You want to like throw your life away Like we all have Yeah At Chasing the Laughs BlindTigerComedy.ca

It's where Graham and I i learned that's where i taught you guys comedy last month we've only been around for a few months and it's nice that you let alumni come back and hang exactly well you you guys we retired your jerseys yeah yeah it's weird that you made us wait for cantaloupe yeah where do you think we learned that but he was aggressive when he said it too and the guy had no response. Well, because it doesn't, but no. And I won. Look at the scoreboard.

It's a stiff, old, cute little thing. What does the C on all of your jerseys stand for? Cantaloupe is what you could have said back to the Canucks guy. Anyways. So that's it. Lots of stuff. Lots of stuff, man. Go to littlemountaingallery.ca.

And while you're on the internet, go to maximumfun.org, check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week. Pictures and videos relating to the content of the podcast. Probably Tears in Heaven. Oh, yeah. We hit that phenomenon. What's his name from Family Ties? Oh, no.

Will he make another appearance? I don't think I'm going to put him in, but not the Playgirl. Garfield? Garfield happened off air. Fair enough. You really did want that to happen. Could you maybe make a gif of Garfield having sex with

Noelle? Make a gif? Animate someone? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that's what I want. That's what I want. Yep, that's what I want. As for shows we've got coming up, I was supposed to do this rap battle show. I don't think I'm going to show up.

Are you going to bail? Cool. It sounded good, though, your character. No, no. It's mostly fun. Yeah, I'll kill you, buddy. We have fun. Graham, every Monday?

Yeah, every Smonday. Laugh Gallery. Laugh Gallery. Yeah, at the Havana on Commercial Drive. And thanks again for being here. I hate Smunday. Laugh Gallery. Laugh Gallery. Yeah. At the Havana on Commercial Drive. And thanks again for being here. I hate Smundays. Thanks for having me. It's lousy.

Smunday, Smunday. Tell me why I don't like Smundays. Do every Smunday. Because it's called a Smunday. Manic Smunday. You came in with the breeze on Smunday morning. It's Sunday and Monday. Manic's Monday. If you like to... You're gaming with the breeze on Smonday morning. It's Sunday and Monday.

Yeah, exactly. We're going to have both types of songs. If you like the show, tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Smondaying Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.