Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 31 - Jon Dore

Episode Date: September 27, 2008

We get juvenile with TV's Jon Dore of The Jon Dore Television Show.  Then he farts into the microphone and ruins the world.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody. Hello everybody! Welcome to episode number 31 of 1200. The Baskin-Robbins episode. Yeah, now it's official. You can have one episode for every day of the month. Yesterday we crossed 30, but that would only take care of half the year.

Now, 30 days has September, April, June, and November. All the rest have 31 something february february has 35 yeah 35 yeah because if you if you count the uh the six mystery days right right but no one does anymore no not not since and they should not since rain and they shouldn't. Not since Reagan. And they shouldn't. My name's Graham Clark, and with me here in the studio is a man that Casey Kasem called the new Terrence Trent Darby, Mr. Dave Schumke. Hey. Hey. Terrence Trent Darby, eh?

All right. Got nothing for that? Usually pretty quick. Yeah, I don't know a lot about Mr. Trent Darby, eh? All right. Got nothing for that? Usually pretty quick. Yeah, I don't know a lot about Mr. Trent Darby. Neither do I. I know he had an album called Terrence Trent Darby's Vibrator. There you go. So.

Welcome. Welcome to you. And joining us here, all the way from Toronto, Canada, TV star and comedian. Yeah, you bet. Mr. John Doerr. Thanks for coming. That's kind of rude. Thanks for having me.

Graham's introduction? Well, let's get him to do it again. All right. Do another one. Start over again? No, I don't think that's what I meant. Oh, okay. What did you mean?

Oh, I'm just meaning coughing instead of... Clearing my throat? That's why we put the windsock on the microphone, right the microphone Yeah I don't think a microphone probably picked it up then I apologize to our listener I don't know if that's a way to start an interview Or a podcast I don't think we jump down each other's throats I think we need to be a team here for the next hour

Let's heal I'm sorry I coughed Or cleared my throat I just didn't want my throat to be filled with phlegm while doing a podcast. Okay. Understood. See, if I didn't clear my throat,

who knows what it would have sounded like. Yeah. As long as we both understand that you're the bad guy. This isn't how healing works, guys. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. We just watched that metallica movie and we should we should know more about healing we were talking about the metallica movie and about how

awesome it was yeah that that happened in our lifetime yeah it was the greatest movie i've ever seen imagine if you died and then uh you know wherever you go whatever happens after death and you find out that that movie came out the day after you died and you're like oh fuck yeah but if you found out the movie came out you could obviously you could probably see it ghost can't go to movie theaters what's that ridiculous ghosts can't get into movie theaters don't be ridiculous have you seen the new ricky gervais movie but if you're aware of the news coming from oh there's a news feed in heaven there's news then why couldn't you watch the uh the metallica movie in heaven as well you could

when it comes out you just couldn't appreciate it on earth yeah no you couldn't you watch the Metallica movie in heaven as well? You could when it comes out on DVD. You just couldn't appreciate it on earth. Yeah, no, you couldn't tell your buddy. What are you going to tell Napoleon? Can you believe this shit just came out? Like Napoleon's in heaven. Yeah, me and Hitler would be hanging out in heaven just chatting up about Metallica. Yeah, they really let anyone in. People misread that.

We had a conversation. This is a pretty popular topic. Speaking of Hitler, the height. Don't believe the height. speaking of which we had a conversation this is a pretty popular uh topic uh speaking of of hitler the height don't believe the height uh i brought up hitler okay okay let's roll with it speaking of i was gonna say uh this is a popular question time travel question everyone asks you know would you go back in time if you could go back in time would you uh uh go back and kill hitler risk altering history of course but you know stop the holocaust right and that's a huge question and uh i uh i just think it would be

interesting if you did go back in time but you went back to when hitler was four would you kill him then would you kill him as a baby knowing full well what he's going to do what about because but that's the only chance easier easier he'd be easier to get at. Easier to get at, but... Could you kill someone who at that point... I like cats. You're dead. Have you seen The Boys from Brazil?

No, I have not. Add it to your queue. The movie, or... I've seen a few Boys from Brazil. Yeah, nice guys. Jimmy, Pedro. Chad. Melissa Steen.

That's weird. Melissa Steen. I have not seen the boys from Brazil. Oh, they clone little Hitlers. Littlers? Yeah, Littlers. Littlers? Lil Hitler?

Remember that comic strip from the 40s? Lil Hitler? Lil Hitler. The Wacky Adventures of. Yeah. And people... The Wacky Adventures of. Yeah.

And people... And they also try to recreate the events of little Hitler's life. So like his father has to be a bureaucrat who dies when he's 11. They're trying to recreate the Hitler effect, as I call it. I always subscribe... Because people ask that question

about the going back time. But I always subscribe to the time travel theory of you can travel through time but not through space. So if I travel back in time, I would still be in Vancouver circa World War II or whatever era. So then I would still have to get a job to afford a plane ticket on an old-timey plane over to Germany to go and kill. And travel then overseas, I mean, not easy. Not as easy. You need to work, you need to save, you need to get on a boat, probably.

And I'd have to learn German in order to get close enough to Hitler. Oh, you don't know German yet? No. I think back then everyone would. No, but you're not from then. You don't go back. I don't know, but you get it. I also subscribe to the Terminator theory where where you arrive naked so you have no money right you're just naked but you're here you walk into a piano bar you steal a guy's

overcoat yeah you walk into a piano bar completely nude saying do you know where I can learn some German and people are gonna lock yeah yeah yeah or look at the notice board is what they say. Clothes and German lessons. The church bulletin. Must be wearing clothes in order to learn German. But you couldn't, if you went over... So cruel. Yeah, you'd have to go over when you, if he was four, when Hitler was four, no one would believe you or support you

if you said this guy. That's the other problem. Everyone's going to think you're a nut. Yeah. If you travel back in time. So you go back in time to kill baby Hitler. Yeah, Littler. To destroy everybody you're a nut. Yeah. If you travel back in time. So you go back in time to kill baby Hitler. Yeah. Littler.

To destroy everybody's favorite Sunday comic. Yeah. When he was four, it was probably the 1800s still. And also, Hitler wasn't just one Hitler back then. There were many Hitlers. That name has been wiped off of the face of the earth post-war. Oh, yeah. He'd be a hard guy to find.

But that was a common name. So you might end up killing the wrong Hitler. As a child, that wasn't his name. Is there a phone book online? He wasn't Hitler as a baby? I think it was Schickelgruber. I don't think that's true.

That's Kyle Bottoms' joke. I think it's based on reality. I wouldn't know if you were joking. I think it's Schickelgruber. What did you say? Let's get a phone book? Well, yeah. I'd like to know if there are any Hitlers in the phone book.

Well, that was a statistic that I read that was before World War II. Right. In America, anyways, there was 43 Hitlers in the phone book. And after World War II, there was zero. In the phone book? Yeah. The American phone book? Well, there weren't that many people with phones back then.

Are there statistics on mustaches from back then? I think there might have been one. There weren't just regional... Like, just call it Klondike 5, 5-5. There weren't... I thought there would have been regional phone books. I think they were reasonable. Do they have mustache statistics from back then?

Because everyone seemed to have the Charlie Chaplin mustache until Hitler... I told you about the old guy that I saw with the... Oh, really? I've done it on stage. The old guy that I saw with the Hitler mustache. And I thought that was bold because he was old enough to know better than to have that mustache still. I think if you have a mustache, you're old enough to know better. Yeah, yeah.

But he probably had it before Hitler was on the scene. And so he's like, fuck that guy. But even still... This would have been called a schmidt who went for that i mean that douche nozzle yeah you stop that's an old person word douche nozzle yeah i think that was hitler's first or his actual uh last name douche nozzle look it up look it up just yeah but yeah of course you need to you know once something is is ruined then of course course, or once that mustache represents the genocide of six million people, you should probably shave it. Yeah.

Because it instantly would remind people. And yet, the Stalin mustache is all over the place. It's amazing, though. Yeah. It's amazing. It looks good on a cop. That's because Hitler made us forget about Stalin, didn't he? Yeah.

Right. Didn't he? Yeah. Should we get to know us? Yeah, why not? We got to know our philosophies on time travel. Play the thing. Get to know us.

So let's get to know John Doerr of the John Doerr television show. You're the same John Doerr from the John Doerr television show. I am. I wasn't the original John Doerr. I had I am. I wasn't the original John Doerr. I had to audition. You weren't the original pick. I had to audition for my own role. I heard that Ben Mulrooney was like that close.

He almost got it. What happened? It was down to, well, I mean, I didn't have a lot of say in it. Right. I liked me. Don't get me wrong. But Ben's audition was better. He's pretty charismatic.

He's very polished. It was either Ben Mulroney. It was also going to be the John Doe show featuring Lou Begoy. She gave a great audition. She gave a great audition. And when I say great, I mean amazing audition. Lou Begoy, my part-time lover. Is that right?

Yeah. Ukrainian, Canadian Lou Begoy. Just found that out. I didn't even know Lou Begoy was related to you, Dave. Yeah, from the old country. She is. And which country is that? The Ukraine.

She used to pull a plow for my family. Her family did. It wasn't actually Lubagoi pulling the plow. Oh, it's been such a long time. It's like, stop feeding your kid cheese. That's a big thing that she does now. It got narrowed down to ben uh luba and myself and uh the two of them had responsibilities so i was actually third choice to play me

in the john door show yeah but i got it you got it oh yeah and here you are today here i am flying in first class well go on west jet airlines first class executive class there is no separation and that's what i like about west jet um it's all one class and the rich it's all one class yeah it's the way the communists would want to fly and i like that but really the communists wanted to fly by wagon they didn't actually want to they did the airport they wanted it was a dumb idea i mean this is a dumb idea communism communism on paper everyone says, great idea. Bullshit. We're not all working for the same.

You know what? I'm leaving. Bye. I'm done with this podcast. I don't think you are. I don't want to do it. This is very political. Okay.

So where were we? You were asking me questions. You're right. You were asking me questions about the John Doerr Show. Yeah. Is it called the John Doerr Show? We don't have to do that We can talk about other things

Just tell me what's going on with you I want to know what happened You said you were doing a set last night And in the middle of your set You had an epiphany where you said you didn't like After the set So like in the middle of the set You didn't just go

Stop the music Stop the music, you didn't just go, stop, stop the music, stop the music. Stop the music. And there is no music playing. Exactly. Which would be good. You're signaling to a band offstage, stop, stop the music, close the buffet. What buffet, what music? And, no, I just realized a lot of jokes are dumb.

Especially if there's music going on. Yeah, I know. That joke didn't need music at all. But no, yeah, just sitting like, oh, what do I really talk about? Yeah, but does it matter, though? No, I guess not. It's just a moment I had.

It's not a big deal. It's just you sit down and you kind of think, God, I really do nothing. Yeah, I feel that 90% of the time. Not 95. There's like 5% of the time where I feel like I've done something. You're like a crusader 5 90 of the time that 95 there's like five percent of the time where i feel like i've done something you're like a crusader five percent of the time i thought this was funny last night here's the joke ready last night i cupped a fart and threw it in my mother's face

yeah it was a weird funeral but But what does that do? It's not hilarious. It's not funny. It's just... It's borders on hilarious. It has fart in it and my mom. No, but cupping the fart. Is your mother alive in the joke? What's that?

Is your mother alive in the joke? Did you think she was alive in the joke? See, now you're really pushing the boundaries. Now I'm really asking some questions. Hey, boys? You're holding the mirror up to society. What do you mean by that the boundaries. Yeah. Now we're really, now I'm really asking some questions. Hey boys, you're holding the mirror up to society. Yeah. What do you mean by that?

Uh, it's like pretty big mirror, Dave. Yeah. Well, no, we're not. I'm going to be a society.

Must be a guy. Yeah. I'm going to be a microcosm of society. Um, uh, yeah. And what else is going on? You've working on a TV show.

You're living in Toronto. The big, the big smoke. They call it that. Yeah. They call it the big smoke. Cabbage town. It creates a lot of pollution, a living in Toronto. The big smoke. They call it that. Yeah, they call it the big smoke. Cabbage town. It creates a lot of pollution, a lot of cars. Lala pollution?

Yeah. Lala pollution. That's at the festival? That's at Terrence Trent's The Army played at this. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. How do you even say that name? Is it Terrence Trent?

Darby. Darby. Or Darby. Darby. Not Darby. It's like Rod Brindamore. It's nothing like it. Is it?

They were line mates, I believe. No way. They roomed together. How was that? I just played an open, out of tune, open chord on an electric guitar. I felt like it needed some music in this case. Yeah.

You weren't wrong. Stop the music. Stop the music. Stop the music. So what else is going on? Yeah, what makes you tick? Yeah. Let's get inside.

What's going on? What's the most interesting thing that's happened to you in the past, like, four months? I wish you said five five because there was a really cool thing. But if you want four, okay. Over the last four months, the coolest thing that has happened... Oh! Played Spin the Bottle last night

for the first time. Oh, really? I did. Yeah, yeah. By myself. For the first time? No, no. Just... For the first time by yourself by myself yeah did you who did you end up kissing um smelling my fingers so success yes when you when you were a kid uh there was spin the bottle but it wasn't for uh kid kissing when you were like a little kid i Oh, really? Was it like to open presents or something? Oh, yeah. At our house, it was still for kissing.

It was, we were four years old. Well, you were four, and then it was all your parents, friends. My cousins, my sister. Yeah, yeah. It was me and some guy down the street, Jack Tessier. Jack Tessier. And we went in the closet, and I don't have a lot of memory of it, but yeah. Probably inappropriate. Do you want to play spin the bottle? Or we could just make it quick

and call it point the bottle I'll just point the bottle at who I want to kiss Point the bottle was his more aggressive approach Yeah, do you remember when you were a kid did you ever do that? Where you had to do the kiss thing? No, I never did that

Did you ever do that? You know what, I don't think. The youth? You know what? I don't think I actually did. I think if we did play it at a party, it never... I don't think anyone ever went through with it. It was just like, spin the bottle.

Oh, ha ha, that's fun. But no one actually made out. We never had a maid, but it was always a peck. But I remember getting denied by a girl. Wow. I can't remember what the punishment was, but it was bad enough that kissing me would have been the easier route. And it's a game. And the punishment.

But it'd be like, we get to throw an apple at your face. She's like, fine. It's only going to hurt for a second. Kissing Graham's going to hurt for a lifetime. I think it'd be fun to play spin the bottle in a place where people didn't know they were part of the game. Like a senior's home? Yeah, or a library.

And you spin the bottle, the three of us are in on it, and it points at someone across the room, and then you have to go make out with that person. Like aggressively. Not ask them, just go. Just run right up. It's a kamikaze spin the bottle. We could pitch that to Spike TV.

Let's call it Extreme Spin the Bottle. Or Bl pitch that to Spike. Spike TV. Let's call it. Yeah. Extreme Spin the Bottle. Or Blitzkiss. Blitzkids? Kiss. Oh, Blitzkiss. I like that. La Guerre Claire. It's French for Blitzkrieg. Whoa. Yeah. It means lightning war. Dave's very

cultured. It's hard for me to keep up with him. Hey, Graham. Intellectually. Yeah, what up? Can we get to know you? Yeah, sure. There's hard for me to keep up with him. Hey, Graham. Intellectually. Yeah, what up? Can we get to know you? Yeah, sure. There's not too much to report. Honestly, I have to go to New Westminster tonight.

That's making me very nervous. I was feeling like I'd get stabbed when I'm in New Westminster. Yeah. Because lots of people get stabbed in New Westminster. I don't know New... It sounds like a nice place, though. It sounds lovely, New Westminster. There's parts of it that are, but where I'm going is not.

Okay. There's kind of a very slummy part down by the water. Where are you going there? I'm doing a fundraiser. And to benefit who? I don't even know. You don't even care. That's how unselfish you are.

Somebody said... As long as someone's benefiting. Here's a hundred bucks. Yeah. Will you go and be on this fundraiser for something? Right. So for all I know, it's for the for little hitlers yeah it could be for the aryan race yeah you've got to read the fine print my friend or it could be uh pro not pro choice not bro whatever you say that amateur what if it was for some kind of hate group would would you do the show? No. A hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks, yeah. A hundred bucks. Yeah, of course. So you show up, you find out, oh, it's for the young Klansmen of New Westminster. Yeah, they're all wearing their hoods. They're like, do you mind wearing this robe? Do you mind wearing this, telling some jokes? And we want to take a lot of photographs for our newsletter. I'd say...

Would you do it? It's a hundred bucks, buddy. It's a hundred bucks. But do you get to wear the hood over the... So they can't tell it's you? No. No. That is tough.

It's $100, though, right? It's $100. Is that cash? Yes, it's cash. Oh. It's whatever you want it to be. Okay, so it's not a check. And one ruby.

You get a ruby as well. $100 and a ruby. But the $100 bill looks really weird, and it's got uh the ultimate warrior on it yeah and it came out of an oven minutes before it's still hot it's still hot yeah yeah like a treasure map made at home dipped in vinegar it's so brittle and folded uh and on the back is uh in the top corner it's's a picture of One-Eyed Willie. You know what I would do?

From the Goonies. I would get one of the amateur comics in town and say, I will give you 50 bucks to do this gig and say that you're me. That is the right answer. That is actually the correct answer, Graham. Because that way, it's the best of both worlds. I won't even mention the ruby in the equation. I'm like, it's 50 bucks.

Yeah. Go do the show. Free and clear. $50. Tax-free. You get money. Their career is ruined. Life goes on for Graham. Bring me back the envelope that feels a little lopsided. It's not a ruby. Don't look inside.

It's a Zircon. Do not look in the envelope. It's a Zircon. You're going to do a show tonight, though, and those are always fun. Fundraisers are great, because everyone's in just such a great mood. You can do no wrong at these shows. Nobody's been dragged to their... No.

...against their will on a Saturday night to a community center. Yeah. Yeah. Who farted? Wasn't me. It was Graham. No, I would have done this. Okay.

I can't fart directly into a couch. I can't. You think your jokes are dumb? Is that what you were getting at? No, they're brilliant. Remember? Okay, my fault. Because is my mom in the coffin or not?

You brought me back. Next level shit. Yeah. What about you, Dave? Yeah, are your jokes dumb? No, my jokes are dumb. No, they're not. But I still have a list of stuff that I wanted to talk about from this summer.

Oh. Because Graham was away all summer. I've got things I can talk about. Did you guys miss each other this summer? Yeah, I missed Dave. We stuck together through the power of podcasting, I think. Yeah. So I didn't need him.

I'm not needy. But did you miss him a little bit yeah I like his wet cold nose on the back of my neck yeah it's too close and yeah prehensile yeah yeah yeah that's a pass that's the best when his Graham's Best of best. Best of best. John just started knitting in the middle of that. Yeah, yeah. But that's sad when a friend leaves for the summer and you can't see him whenever you want. It's like hearkening back to the childhood days.

Hearkening. I never say hearkening. That's great. Yeah? I love hearkening. Throw it in your hat tonight. I rarely hearken. I may hearken back to some things tonight.

But maybe you had a friend when you were a kid and you went away to Oakland for the summer. You didn't get to see him. He's got an aunt in Oakland. Let me hearken back for a moment, if you don't mind. Huh? Why not Oakland? People live in Oakland. All right.

Okay, Dave, you were saying, though, this summer you miss Graham a lot. I spend most of my time. And so what happened this summer? What did you do? Summers are great, first of all, so this should be a good story. What happened? Water skiing? As it was summer, we kept our windows open quite a bit because it was very hot.

In the house? Yep. Okay. And then Abby and I noticed a smell. Uh-oh. That was kind of like an epoxy. Like an epoxy upon your house? Can I guess what it was?

You can try. I don't want to. Go ahead. I just want to know if I can. Yeah, at any point. Feel free to interrupt. No, I'm good. Raise your hand.

I will raise my hand, but I don't think I will. Go ahead. Okay. So we sometimes smell this epoxy. Was it a raccoon? Yeah. Ruin the story. An epoxy raccoon. Oh oh i don't know if it

was an epoxy it was some kind of artificial stank uh anyway a stink manufactured in a lab right labs if i may hearken back yeah please be my guest uh it feels good doesn doesn't it? Oh, I love hearkening. It's now my favorite thing to do. Top three things to do. Hearkening, listening to Dave's stories, and interrupting people. So we smelled this thing. I just had an emotional orgasm, by the way, because I'm doing all my three favorite things at once. But I just interrupted again.

Go ahead, Dave. I love your stories. Yeah, I don't even remember. It was an epoxy. But I just interrupted again. Go ahead, Dave. I love your stories. E-L-O-O. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even remember. It was an epoxy. Right, an epoxy smell. And our neighbor has this sort of workshop. Epoxy. Like an epoxy-based workshop under his porch.

And we just sometimes hear a saw going or something. And so we smelled this like, it was like plasticky epoxy like uh smell for weeks and then one time i peeked my head around the corner into his workshop because he keeps the door open and he was making this awesome like complete perfect replica of darth vader's mask whoa whoa that's what the smell was yeah oh that's great and hope yeah he may have seen me coming and been like oh yeah the raccoons yeah this is a very clever way to cover up a murder just making of the vader mask what was your reaction like did you start laughing did you it was hide. Because I don't like talking to my neighbors. I've never met them.

Or anybody, really. That's true. Doesn't like people. Do you like me? A little bit. You're great. You're really endearing yourself to me. I like to ask people. I showed Abby and she also

laughed and ran away that's funny that's very funny i told you about during the summer that we were followed around by people who dress like that right on the tour i was on the one man star wars tour every tour there was there was people that would show up in full right stormtrooper gear yeah and they would just that was how they spent their summer holiday. They followed us. They followed the show from town to town and would dress up like stormtroopers before the show. People loved it.

They'd take photos with them. Did they like you? Did they like my humor? There was two guys one night that were dressed like Jedis. I could tell they didn't like because I made fun of right people who like star wars during the show oh that's a good way to do uh usually they the

people they had a good sense about it right you're never gonna see a vagina etc etc they thought it was funny but you could tell these two guys were like if we were real jedis he wouldn't say that you could see it in their face like these were real lightsabers he wouldn't be so bold and uh if only if only is that what now did you say that to them on stage did you impersonate what they're probably thinking did that get to them as well or i would never be so bold i've caught those lightsabers aren't real well they're not graham how did you meet them yes this was i was there this was in the uk. I was Boba Fett. I was Heckler Boba Fett number one.

And I didn't like your joke about releasing the bounty on Han Solo, okay? I'm just a bounty hunter. I can't release the bounty. I should have written Star Wars specifically. I should have just done half an hour of Star Wars. What would you do? What's the deal with Jango Fett? Yeah.

What's that, guys? What's he got going on, et cetera? And the rest writes itself. Yeah. Don't look at me. Yeah. Oh, brilliant. We're brilliant.

What a great day. What a great podcast day. It's good. It's going. Yeah. Right? Oh, it's happening. We're in the middle of it.

It's eating up time. Should we rock it into some overheards? Yeah, why not? Let's do it. Okay. Overheard in the middle of it. It's eating up time. Should we rock it into some overheards? Yeah, why not? Let's do it. Okay. Overheard. And we're back. Were you about to say something, John? That was great.

Yeah, I was just thinking, or recently, or my roommate told me this, actually. Someone found the highest prime number. What is it? I don't know. It's like something to the power of trillions of exponents. I like it when they say that they found it as if it was hidden somewhere. Yeah, but apparently computers would just shut down. It would take so long to finally get it.

Apparently this guy... But can't you go higher? Apparently, but this is the prime number that is not divisible by one or itself so it's uh that's it they did it life is over now oh that's it yeah we don't need to search for anything else what's the other thing that they were uh oh the the hadron collider are you excited about that oh the particle uh accelerator yeah yeah that's gonna probably you know they're... It's probably not going to create any black holes.

But if it does just once, that's the end of humanity. This is the greatest thing ever. If that's how we go, how awesome is that? It is pretty good. If we were the designers of our own destruction instantly, that would be fantastic. Some people underneath Switzerland. Fuck them.

I'm not big on it. You're not big on it. You're not big on it? No? I think if they can all together say it's impossible It's impossible. that the black holes would be created. But it's not. They clearly say that it's a possibility. They're like, it's very unlikely. It's almost impossible.

But it's certainly still possible. Should we be bunkying? We should. I just watched Back to the Future like a week ago. That's where we're going. I think John's fart joke had a lot of insight into whether we should be monkeying with forces beyond our control. It was a reflective fart joke. It makes you think about a lot of things. Society mirror.

I bet if anybody who wasn't laughing was probably just deep in thought. Probably. That's it. John Doerr's gone. Uh-oh. He's going to honor us with the gift of carrying an instrument. Here we go. I just think, you know,

maybe that needed a little bit, it needed a chord, that last story. A minor. Nice. Dave, overheard? Overheard, okay. Is that what we're doing? What's overheard? Yeah, explain it to our guest.

It's things when you're eavesdropping. Somebody says something hysterical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, jeez, I should have prepared for this. On a plane, perhaps. Just throwing it out there. Okay, yeah. Could be on a Toronto subway train.

Do you have an overheard? I have one that was sent in from my brother in Calgary, Alberta. Okay, I will do my overheard. Sometimes it's an overseen. I have an overdreamt. Today it was a license plate I saw, a vanity license plate. Yes. That said, well, it was on a Nissan of some kind.

Altima? Sportier. Altima? Sportier. Maxima? Less sporty. I think it was their Coupe Roadster thing. 240Z? 240Z. All right.

Something. 240Z Coupe Roadster. By Nissan. But the license plate indicated that it was a different kind of car. It said, Jag for me. J-A-G-4-M-E. But maybe he was like, maybe he went in and he was like, can I do, Jack and Off is for me. And they're like, that's already done.

And he's like, Jag and Off? And they're like, done. Too many letters. Yeah, he's like, but how about Jag for me? Because that's what I'm into. Maybe he was just asking you, hey, Jag for me. Oh, yeah, hey, Jag for me. He does that.

He cruises slowly down the street. And he's just like, check the license plate. If you're not, just keep walking. If you want Jag for me. Or maybe it was a license plate that was supposed to be on the car Jaguar. Did you ever think of that, Dave and Graham? Before you started your stupid story about jacking off? Jacking.

Jacking. There are these... That sounded like a Canadian heritage moment. When I was younger, I was jacking off. What? Harken back to it. Harken back. I'm going to harken back to my jacking off days.

Those days are over now. those days are over now um but you i see in vancouver there's a uh a bmw dealer named brian jessel and yeah brian jessel yeah and uh the bmw is on the lot where i i guess people who own i i don't know but i see a few that are like bj bmw five nice so that's and yeah and they all come from what if it was just bj4 bmw like if they just totally didn't even think of it jag for bmw jack's jag for it's probably the guy's name like initials for his name and then the car bmw man it must be hard for you to write jokes yeah no i'm really good at them um Okay, I have an overseen. Oh, yeah? And it's similar to Dave's story.

Is it going to be exactly the same? Yeah. But I'm going to tell it anyway. I saw a guy in a Nissan and his license plate. Oh, you said bumper sticker. Was it a bumper sticker? No, it was a license plate. Oh, it was a license plate. Did I say bumper sticker? I thought you said bumper sticker. I it a bumper sticker? No, it was a license plate. Oh, it was a license plate.

Did I say bumper sticker? I thought you said bumper sticker. I didn't know. But vanity plate, oh my God. I saw... Oh, suddenly it's a good story? No, no. I don't know why I said oh my God.

It just washed over you. I could have sworn you said bumper sticker. If only we had recorded it. There's only a way to go back in time and see. We're recording it now? Oh. Oh. I don't get sarcasm.

So, in my neighborhood, there is a McDonald's, and there is a sign up. Oh, I know that neighborhood. What's the neighborhood? That's right. Mackey T's. Mackey T's? Mackey T's. That's an area of Toronto.

Yeah. If you've never been to Toronto, you've got to check out Mackey T's. That's where all the hip kids hang out. Yeah. It's on the 120th. There. If you've never been in Toronto, you've got to check out Mackey T's. That's where all the hip kids hang out. Yeah. It's on the corner of 120th. There is a McDonald's in our neighborhood. From which the neighborhood garnered its name? No, actually.

Oh, really? Anyway, that's too long of a story. There's actually a shop in our area, and they sell T-shirts. They're the Scottish variety. Yeah, Mackey T's. That's where you go to buy your Mackey T's no it's actually a Scottish store that sells books on how to tease people stop it it's called Mackey T's on with it

you know Stan Makeda? It's actually a store. You know Craig McTavish? Mackie T, I call him. It's a golf store with a very limited inventory. Anyway, there's a McDonald's in the neighborhood, and there was a sign. You'll notice this. You'll see this with a lot of other businesses, especially businesses where you can actually make a change to an existing business. You see a sign that says under new management there's a McDonald's in our

neighborhood you know normally they'll promote the fact that hey don't worry about that old bunch of idiots we've gotten it anyway there's a McDonald's under new management a big a big banner and I just saw the McDonald's existed previously you can't make any changes yeah it's not gonna affect you can't make any changes. Why is that sign there? It's not going to affect... You know what's really changed? They don't care. They care just as less. You know, when they hand me

a burger. They still don't care. I like that. No, because the one guy's going to be like, I'm going to go with beige seats. Yeah. I'm tired of this off-world. It's still cut off at 10.30. Yeah, we are sticking hard and firm with that policy. yeah I'm tired of this off-watch it'll cut off at 10.30 yeah that's

we are sticking we're sticking hard and firm with that policy now see all these overseens made me think of one that I saw

I believe it was at the main in the in the bathroom in the stall do we get a little musical accompaniment

yeah do you want some musical accompaniment please um crave it the main is a I don't know if it's

the main what kind of story is it like what kind of the main is a television show give me something if it's the main. What kind of story is it? Like, what kind of music is it? The main is a television show. Give me something moody, like I've just broken up with a girl. Okay. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's raining out.

It's not... It's drizzling, right? It's just miserable. Okay, yeah. So, grassy summer. Reflective kind of music. Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

So, I was in the main. There we go. Reflective kind of music Yeah Okay go ahead So I was in the main There we go And There was

In the bathroom stall That was too sad Is that from Schindler's List? Yeah That's the last scene You know what would ruin Schindler's List? Bluegrass

Yeah if you did that And this was the dialogue Over top The very last Yeah where he's just like This watch This watch And then play it.

This watch could have saved one more. I can't even do it because it makes me want to actually hoe down. But I was in the bathroom stall, and there was graffiti on the bathroom stall. And I like the call and response of graffiti. And my favorite one that I saw, this was like six months ago but it was said it was either fuck the rich or eat the rich but underneath somebody had written back not likely I like that not likely and not in that order yeah you know you don't gotta fuck your dinner before you eat it. No way. I don't want to taste me in there.

I don't want to taste me in my food. That would be a narcissistic moment. Oh, I'm so full of myself. Pretty good. That was pretty good. Graham, before we move on... What about my brother's overheard? Before we move on. There's a McDonald's in my neighborhood that's under new management, guys.

You got to go in. You got to come to Mackey T's one day. You should go in and say, do you guys do that Subway sandwich thing? What do you mean, Subway sandwiches? When you go to the McDonald's under new management, say, do you guys do Subway sandwiches? Oh, right, right, right, right. Or just something like that. Do you guys do Crustini's?

Can I get a crustini it would be awesome if you did go and you this was the one mcdonald's where you could use the drive through and you didn't have to be in a car there was a guy who did that last night he did yeah he got his food yeah well he was tall and scary like he could touch the top of the drive-thru with his hand and there was a tall drive right so they were of like, if we don't give him his food, his arms will reach in here and take it anyways. He looks like a car. Because he is lurch. And he was dancing.

I went through on my bike once. They let you? They did. They did. Did you have to charm the pants off of him? I wasn't sure if they were going to. Did I have to charm the pants off of him? Did you have to charm the pants off of him?

I didn't say anything. I thought it was going to have to. I thought something was going to have to be said, but I just, yeah, I just ordered. I drove up, they didn't say a word. The girl that gave you

your food that night probably still tells that story at parties. What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to you while you worked at McDonald's? Yeah, well,

remember that one night. One time, a guy, okay, listen up, listen, Sally, put the,

don't put the music on. Okay, this one time, this guy came up on his bike, and I still remember what he ordered. He had a burger, and then he drove away on his bike. I'm going to kill myself. And then she does. That's the end of that story.

Wow. Wow. At the park. Powerful. Now play the soundtrack to her killing herself. Go. Oh, soundtrack to her killing herself? And go.

There we go. Something like that. Yeah. I like the lines. That's a fresh vibe right there, that one. Oh, yeah. There it is. Kick it up a notch.

Ooh. Chord progression. Kick it up a notch. Ooh. Chord progression. Yeah, one, four, five. So this is now Graham's... An overheard from a gentleman named Patrick Clark. Patrick Clark. This is your brother? Yeah.

How old's your brother? I didn't know he had a brother. Yeah, I got two brothers. You have two brothers? Yeah, both younger. Do you want to be able to read it from here? You're the headlight into the future. Yeah.

Okay. A lot of responsibility Future looks bright Should I read it? You can probably do his voice Well he was Yeah actually we do We sound very similar

This is his voice This is how Patrick talks But he's doing like an accounting course And they did that thing Where everybody has to sit everybody had to sit around and took turns standing up, saying their name, where they were from, and something cool about themselves. Most of the cool things about people were standard fare, such as I like movies or I once lived in Regina. When it got around to the second last guy in the class, he said my name is john i'm from calgary and if anyone brings ketchup anywhere near me i will vomit that's great and i said if you don't before the

end of the course bring ketchup near him you're no longer my brother yeah because that's that's an invitation to bringing like just a whole bottle just bring it to class like everybody has their water bottles out and and you just plunk down a fucking giant thing of Heinz. How come we didn't start the podcast with that? Do you want to do that? I wouldn't mind. Should we start again? Well, what if we just do it now and tell people,

imagine that we did this first. You have to stand up, but you don't actually have to, you can pretend to. No one will know. You can put in standing up sound effects like a chair screeching on the floor. I'll do the standing up sound effects on the guitar. So Graham's first.

Graham's first. I'm about to... That's how Graham stands up. Snaps up. Hi, my name's Graham. I'm from Vancouver. And I liked the movie Made of honor starring patrick dempsey

see now it that would be great imagine you were at uh you know a gathering of accountants at a conference what that's what you would say you would be the coolest accountant there yeah and there's one girl that you can just see it in her eyes. She's like, finally. Oh, God. I love it. Secretly, she's like, I want to fuck him. Play some fucking music and go.

This is for Dave, right? That's the sound of me standing up. That's the sound of Graham fucking. Oh. Graham fucking? Yeah.

Let's do Graham fucking. Ready? That's it. Always have to get a patting on the walls from the neighbors. Keep it down in there. It's a turd down blade runner. Too loud. Stop doing your math rock, evangelist.

That's either Graham having sex or running down a futuristic hallway. They're one and the same. They're synonymous. That's what I say to a girl. You want to run down a future? Dave stands up and announces It sounds a little something. Like this. Hi everyone, I'm Dave and I apparently just shat my pants.

Was that the cool thing about you? Yeah. Yeah. There you go. That's great. He sits back down. He's not there. What does it sound like when John Doerr stands up?

I do this, I do this. I'm John Doerr. Did I just make you come? That's you standing on the chair. That's what you gotta do. Did you have a guitar in that story? No, when I stood up though, it sounds like a guitar string bending. The coolest note ever.

That's why I asked. Yeah, I'm sure i just like be honest that was pretty cool that was pretty cool yeah yeah i want to hang out with the ketchup guy but that was pretty cool do you guys ever want to like be part of an awesome environment like doesn't it seem kind of fun to like sit in a cubicle and just like knowing you don't want this job anyway you're only gonna have it for like let's say a week if we had a bet so you could last the longest kind of thing that would be fun just to go in as a temp and just wreck a shit up guy i tried to get a job at burger king several years ago that's not an office no but it's the same type of thing because i was

like as a joke yeah i thought it would be really funny to work with 16-year-olds, and they're all complaining like, social sucks, I hate it. And I'm like, no, fucking. It would be great. What's up with Louis Riel? Yeah, and they're all going to go to the mall after, and I'm like, yeah, I'll come. Where are we, H&M? But what happened?

You did apply? I did apply, and I didn't get the job. You applied and you didn't get it? Yeah. Oh, wow. Because I think they could sense that this was some sort of gag was going on. Was it the cameras that were with you? I didn't bother hiding them at all. Dax Shepard was over your shoulder?

I had a boom box, but you could clearly see the camera taped to the outside of it. Yeah, like a Sunday morning. That would be the bet. It would have to be Sunday morning brunch and the three of us, whoever lasts the longest. So you can't be late and you got to stay there for the whole shift and see who quits first. Sunday morning brunch at a really busy brunch buffet. That would be awesome. And you're bussing tables.

Yeah. Yeah. I like, yeah, I would love to do something like that. But honestly, I think this, the person who was trying to hire at the Burger King is very, they were wily because they could tell. They were like, well, why Burger King? And I wasn't ready for that question. And so then when I started talking, they were like, well, that was lying. How do you prepare for that question?

You can't. I feel like I've been preparing my whole life for it. Why Burger King? You should have turned the tables on them. Yeah, why not? Yeah. Or fucking why Burger King? Because I didn't like the retirement package Arby's was handing out.

That's why. Because Arby's had too much office politics. Who is it that makes your hamburger a beautiful thing? That's Arby's. What is Arby's slogan? Arby's? They're roast beef sandwiches. I've never had an Arby's before in my life.

I had it when I was a kid. And I remember feeling betrayed when I bit into it. Because it looked like a hamburger, and then I bit in, and it was roast beef, and I was like, oh, God. Yeah, see, there you go. You're never going to be friends with Arby's again. You can't do a bait. It's not like if I give you a Toblerone, and it's actually a bunch of shaved meat shaped in a triangle. You're like, oh, Jesus.

Meat chocolate bar? That'd be gross. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Seriously, guys. Hey, Graham. I wrote down a couple things that you mentioned

earlier, and I won't rest until you answer. Alright. You had a dream about me? Yeah, about us. It wasn't just about you. I was there, too. Because you say that as though a dream about me is a gay thing. No, no. It was gay. But a dream about

us is even gayer. We were holding gay but a dream about us is we were holding hands the whole time okay that which i don't that's not gay did you do this run down a futuristic hallway correct correct correct um looking for replicas this is the weird the only weird part about the dream and i don't usually relate dreams because they're usually dumb but and this one is no exception but we were in a convenience store that was completely empty there was no owner so we decided to shoplift and all we took was i took a bottle of water and you took a book of sudoku puzzles yeah and then i woke up and i was like that maybe is what would actually happen if we went in a convenience store and there was nobody there no what would you take uh well i i do all my sudoku online oh really okay fair enough on ebay

uh is it just me or is it really hot it is really hot does it always get this hot in here yeah why don't i just pause it we'll be right back i have a loud neighbor let me just close the window let's make it piping hot in here. He's making the Darth Vader chain mail out there. He's actually going to go pick a fight with somebody in that outfit. I would not pick a fight with anyone in a Darth Vader costume. Not an adult. This is clearly not going to work out well for me.

That's the time that they're going to take out all their issues. That's when they're like, this is it. Especially if he started it with I built this mask in my garage. I'm running. How does he have enough money to have a house with a garage, if that's what he's doing with his free time? Oh, it's weird. He doesn't seem to have...

He's there all day. Both he and his wife are. They're constantly buying and selling cars. I've never talked to them. They seem quite nice. They're constantly buying and selling cars. I've never talked to them. They seem quite nice. They're very young. All right.

So I'm thinking... Prostitute. Or like some kind of royal brat. Maybe they're... Oh, they're slumming it? Yeah. They're here? They're like, hey, yeah, they're from Armenia or something like that?

Yeah. They're like descended royalty? Because Armenians have a lot of... You know what I mean? Yeah. A lot of... I want to hear John's sad story. I want to hear the sad story.

Well, let me start with saying this. Did you guys... Did you ever perform in a school play? I'm assuming you did. In grade three kind of thing. Yes, grade three. I played jesus did you really yeah yeah oh nice in the technical death of a salesman yeah who didn't um my first uh play uh and it was i think it may have been written by a teacher there and I can't even remember what the play's about

but it's essentially at one point there's a bus on stage and every character from the play is in a window of this cut out school bus I already love this story originally I was given I was going to have a bigger role in the play

very talented and they knew at a young age that this kid was going to have a bigger role in the play. I'm very talented and they knew at a young age that this kid was going to be good. However, I had either an ascended or undescended testicle. And there was, my parents seemed to

believe that it was an ascended testicle. They both had dropped and it had ascended and we don't know how or why. Um, but I, I had to do further research and it's rare that a testicle will ascend unless, you know, it gets called to Jesus.

Unless Jesus deems it ascend worthy. Um, but anyway, the point is I, one testicle ascended or was now in my abdominal cavity, so I had to have surgery to correct it. So I had to go in the hospital, and then the teachers thought, well, you could be away for a little longer.

You don't know what the recovery time is. Instead of giving you this bigger role, because we don't know how long you're going to be away, we're going to give you the smaller role. And I remember being really upset. I was devastated. So I only had one line now in the whole play and i was one of the characters in the window of this cardboard cutout school bus and i can't even remember what the line was but it was something like after someone says a particular line i turn and say and the malls

were busy today something like that anyway so here's my big moment person says their line family's out in the audience i I turn to deliver my line. And then the lead character steps on my line and carries on with hers. And I never got to say it. And I remember just bawling my eyes out. I literally thought that the story was going to go, the person said their set-up line to yours. And you were just like, fuck you. That'd be a way cooler story.

That's why the truth isn't funny. But that's really sad. So you didn't even get your line. I never got to say my line. And my dad has video footage of it. No audio. But yeah, there's me in the cardboard cutout bus, happy as can be. Why no audio?

I don't know. And it wasn't video. Part of me was like a film. Oh, wow. So it's like real grainy home video. What? it was the theme i'm a million you're a million years old no joke who was still taken i invented the wheel we should have talked about that yeah you should without me pat sajak wouldn't have a job

so you're welcome patrick that's what I call him. Patrick. Because you talk down to him. Well, I'm a million. Way smarter. More life experience. But anyway, yeah, so that's my story. First time on stage. Essentially, I think that's probably the first time on stage. Yeah, line got stepped on.

Very sad name. That's very sad. That sucks. And what was that girl's name? Do you remember? Jodi. Jodi. Yeah, I don't know her last name, but I know her name is Jody. You know that she never amounted to anything.

How many Jodies do? She was on Full House for a while. Jody Fisher. One. Jody Sweetin. Jody Sweetin was a crack addict. Next. Wasn't she a steel driving man?

Oh, no. That was Ben Kingsley. Right. Was a steel driving man. Jody McIntosh. Oh, from Maccy T's. Jody McIntosh. Oh, from Mackey Tees. Mackey Tees.

Co-founder and owner of Mackey Tees. CEO. What is this called? Speaking of sex. This is a sex book that you say. On episode 22 with Seth Perry, we were talking about sex ed

and I mentioned this sex book that had that. I think it was the thing about the testicles with different sizes. Was that the one I mentioned? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right, yeah. This is a book called Speaking of Sex by Meg Hickling, Canada's best sex educator. I think Sue Johansson would have a thing or two to say about that. My copy is autographed. Oh, okay. And in the margins. By Sue Johansson would have a thing or two to say about that. My copy is autographed.

Oh, okay. By Sue Johansson. It's weird. In the margins there are all these questions written by children. Oh, and it's actually in kid handwriting. So like an example

one right there is if a girl gets her period how should she tell her mom yeah right not the funniest one but that was just one that is that one wait is that a kid question yeah okay and this is the one i think i read earlier uh if your balls are different sizes what does that mean and then in parentheses not saying i have that uh so i uh thought maybe you guys could answer some of these questions that I found in here. Oh, okay.

The book answers them. But I've really only read the margins. Based on our sexual expertise. It's kind of like Mad Magazine. You only read the little comics in the margins. I did. Sergio Argos. Sergio, yeah.

Sergio, yeah. Okay. Just wanted the's name? Sergio Argos. Sergio, yeah. Sergio, yeah. Okay. Just wanted the first name, Graham. Thanks. Don't have to show off. Here's one. What is the normal age for girls to have their fist-ogations? They misspelled first and orgasms.

No, no. I think that she was saying her fist-ogations. Because I remember they used to be... I thought that was something I didn't know. It used to be 15 years old. I can't answer this. I'm going to look stupid. When I was a kid, it was 15 when you got your first fist occasion.

But how would you? Yeah. Now it's changed. Yeah, that's why you wear gloves. Kids grow up faster now. That's why you wear gloves in the winter, so you don't get occasions on your fists. Kids out there who are listening. Yeah.

Heed that advice. Kids. Be careful with the fist occasions careful with okay so wait a minute so uh first orgasm how would you answer that question no i'm how old do you have to be occasions well what's the question again how old do you have to be to have your first orgasm girls how oh well that girls don't have orgasms next question and that's how you would respond to to the girl asking okay yeah okay girls don't girls don't do that but boys can't have babies so it's a trade-off is what i'd say to her yeah let's do a high five there you go yeah okay you said that all men have about the same size penis then what are the ones in the movies? Because they look so long. What movies are they watching?

What movies? I want to know that too. The cartoon movies? The Elephant Man? His penis was huge in that movie. What's that question? I don't understand. Do men have different sized penises? My answer to a child

would be no. They're all the same. The question is, explain the huge ones in the movies. CGI. Those aren't real kid questions. There's no way. I refuse to admit it. I think they just decided these are what questions a kid would ask.

That last one definitely wasn't a kid question. I'm not buying this speaking of sex bull crap. Doesn't sound right. I like the first one though um yeah fist ablations fists fists ablaze it when they're fists ablations um fist ablations how big is how how big is your penis i love the are you are you i'm huge do you ever do you ever sneak a peek in a male men's bathroom uh no i think i did when i was a little kid right you're not at all curious anymore like when i'm in a men's bathroom i'll sneak a peek and i'll be like but what's it like a wreck yeah i'll say that you do yeah there was one when i was little like a little little kid

i remember was like when i was first like standing up using the urinal or whatever and we were at some gas station somewhere and a huge biker came in and he was next to me and i was like holy shit i can't oh what the fuck it was like he was holding a hoagie down there yeah it was gigantic just a monster down there and i think as your you're a kid, you're just like... And he didn't give a shit, but I was just like... Yeah, kids can get away with it. Biker, too. Exactly, a biker of all things.

But, yeah. All right, and here's... No, do you? No, I don't. I mean, I'm always kind of curious. Dude, what about locker room? Do you YMCA or anything? Never go to the gym. I keep my exercising to a minimum.

And you're smoking and drinking to a maximum? Okay, it's not pick on John Day. No. You did eat about half a pound of bacon between hours. I've been in Vancouver for two hours. Three hours, we'll say. And you've seen me eat probably half a pound of bacon.

Half a pound of bacon, yeah. Four cigarettes and a beer. Yeah. You ate the cigarettes? Yeah, well, you didn't throw them on your patio. They must have gone somewhere. They're in the coffee cup. Oh, I was going to say coffee.

That's good, too. That's a drug, too. But what, oh, yeah, I'm always kind of curious. Yeah, you sneak a peek and just go... I don't know, but then if you see one smaller or bigger, does that make you feel better or worse? Not better or worse. I think it's just a curiosity.

It's just like, I wonder how big that guy's penis is. That's when you meet people, you're just always staring at their crotch when you're shaking their hands. I don't wonder all the time. If we're in the bathroom and some pants come down and there's a little peripheral vision. Wouldn't that be a great thing if you were at the urinal and somebody just dropped their pants? Like if you were like little kids, you just dropped them to the floor to use them.

I'm going to start peeing that way again. I'm going to start dropping the pants to the ground. You're going to just drop your pants down to the floor and just take a pee like that? And stand about three feet back from the urinal and try and arc it in. And you're holding your shirt up in your mouth? I still have a sticker name tag every time I go to the bathroom. It says, hello, my name is John, and I'm here with this organization. Do we have another?

This is my favorite one. On movies, I saw a man sucking on a girl's boobs. That girl was moaning a lot. But when I did that to my girlfriend, she didn't make a sound. Why? She was terrified. That's why. That's not a kid's question.

There's no way. How old is that kid? The kid could be a teenager. Teenager, a kid's question. There's no way. How old is that kid? Well, the kid could be a teenager. Teenager, yeah. But still. A really stupid teenager. Yeah, but teenagers don't write questions like that in books. They'd say, hey, dude.

Hey, buddy. Hey, guy. Guess what? Could you suck on my girlfriend's boobs and see if she makes a sound? She's not doing the movie thing. How come my girlfriend's not moaning when I suck on her teeth? You guys experienced this but these are anonymous questions they got to write yeah did you ever we talked about that in episode 22 when

you were in sex ed do you remember you got to write yeah i remember those questions yeah i remember that i don't remember specifically i remember and i wasn't even there but i remember you writing some very silly questions no i wouldn't have No, I probably wouldn't have even submitted a question because I would have been afraid they'd be able to read my handwriting. Yeah. But the questions I probably would have had, yeah, I wonder what questions I would have had then. Something silly.

Something about farts. No, I don't think. Really? Something about farts. His insect's head. Yeah. If you fart during sex, will your baby come out smelling bad? Can I fart during sex?

John Doerr. I write my name so she can read it out in front of the class. I'd like you to know this is John Doerr asking the question. Is farting during sex fun for the girl? My girlfriend said to me, John Doerr,

please don't fart during sex, but I think it's fun. Please stop sucking on my nipples i'm not moaning do you think my girlfriend's immature because she doesn't think farting in sex is fun farting in sex um farting in sex yeah what questions did you ask graham david chapman clark uh chapman stick chapman. I can't remember what I said. The question we did, I asked, I remember I asked a question about something. Oh, what was it?

I can't remember what it was. It was something about having sex in a time machine. Yeah, they were all very asinine questions. Like, you know, like if I ejaculate into a thing. Oh, that's what it was. questions like you know like if i ejaculate into a thing oh that's what it was yeah if if there's like uh like if like if i ejaculated on something and it dried and then like i blew it off like spores of a dandelion of a dandelion would it impregnate a girl and i wrote a quite detailed question and i was 17 i think at the time and did that just get crumpled up and thrown in the

garbage no shit that was the rule she She answered, oh, no questions. No questions there. There's no such thing as a stupid question. Challenge, said Graham Clark in his mind. Challenge. Risen to. Here's one I would have liked to have asked and am still curious about. Dave, how big is your penis?

Dave, how big is your penis? What about if I were to masturbate in the tub and In a hyperbaric chamber. And then stepped out of and then drained the tub but some sperm clung to the walls of the tub and then my mom

or sister got in. Would the sperm survive and possibly impregnate? Anything's possible. No, I need to know the answer, guys. Yes. And there is an answer by the way. I think it's possible. Is it possible? Okay, does that

explain immaculate conception? No, because no one took baths back then, especially in that part of the world. Racist. Ahuga. Throw it in there. So you say that's possible? Yes.

As a scientist. I don't... I thought you were going to... Originally, I thought the course you were going on was if you just took the bath and you masturbated in the bath and then you left the bath and then somebody else got in the bath. Okay. Because then I was going to be like, yes, it is possible. But once you've drained it, it seems that it...

Well, no. But what's the difference then if the sperm is still clinging to the wall? Is there a temperature? What if all the sperm doesn't drain? Someone else comes in, has a bath. No, I think it's very possible. Is there a temperature? What if all the sperm doesn't drain? Someone else comes in, has a bath. No, I think it's very possible. Is it very possible? Then this is dangerous. Kids need to know.

Where are the PSAs for this? Exactly. The three of us need to go to schools across this great nation of ours. If there's one thing teenage boys are... If you stain it, make sure you drain it. Hi, I'm... Wow, that's pretty good. Say it. Say your name. it. Hi, I'm... Oh, that's pretty good. No, it's not.

Oh, no, it's not. Say it. Say your name. I'm John. I'm Graham. I'm Dave. And if you stain it, make sure you drain it. Take a look at the... We're the Street Youth Action Squad.

Yeah. Stats. And then we have to act out a scenario. Say yes. Hey, Dave, what are you doing? I'm just going to take a bath tonight In advance of my family taking a bath together Whoa man, are you gonna jerk off in there? Probably

Hey, know what I heard? Cindy got pregnant Because her brother masturbated in the bath Then she got in the bath water Did they drain it in between? Yes And some of it still clung to the sides of the tub. It's a fact.

Now Cindy's got to drop out of school and get a job, and her baby's going to be given up for adoption. Her life's ruined. This never would have happened if that guy hadn't had that vanity plate. And then I'm the kid in the front row. If she gave the kid up for adoption, why did she have to drop out of school? And then I do this. Okay okay get the kid out this is not a question and answer

and that's why you drain it if you stain it but in that story you did drain it yeah yeah this is the first pass that's right because we did drain it she still got married and ruined her life Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is the first pass. That's right, because we did drain it.

Drain it if you stain it. She still got married and ruined her life. Or not married. You can't just drain it if you stain it. Then she had to marry her brother. She had to marry her brother

because otherwise shame would fall on the family. How about, you can't just drain it when you stain it. You've got to rinse it. Cinnamins it. What was the last part? Cinnamins it. Cinnam rinse it. Cinnamon-tint. What was the left part?

Cinnamon-tint. Cinnamon-tint. And then we hand out little cinnamon sticks with the tag on it that says that. Don't forget to drain it when you stain it. And also rinse it, cinnamon-tint.

Rinse it, cinnamon-tint. Best ending to a podcast ever. No no it's not over now is it it doesn't need to be oh I feel like the ball just got rolling I think we opened up a Pandora's box yeah what do guests

traditionally do at the end of a podcast there's usually a presentation of gifts. Yes. A little, some kind of cultural dance ceremony. Yeah. Did you bring little children to dance? I did. I didn't.

I don't know if they've arrived yet. They did say if the weather was bad, they may not be here on time. These are the Mackie Tees dancers. They are. They are the Mackie Tees dancers. They are. They are the Mackie Tees. And they'll do... The Mackie Tees coming in to tease us with their dance of wonderment and lore. And then there's a fight.

It's like a fighting style dance. They do. Like capoeira. They leave bloody. They leave bloody. And it is entertaining. It is thoroughly entertaining. It's a dance to the death.

So Mitch, Michael, Cindy, Robin come in here one of them is really fat yeah well that's Mitch Mitch is a hog bitch tits Mitch and they never talk they just stand there and cry

and then you berate them hey Mitch you're fat eh hey bitch tits Mitch that's pretty mean. Guys, if I can say one thing before we go. Yeah. You can't just drain it when you stink. You gotta rinse it, cinnamon-ince it.

Cinnamon-ince it. I don't know what it is. Cinnamon-ince it. Give me some cinnamon-ince it. I'd like to thank you guys for having me. You're wonderful ambassadors to the city. Thanks for coming all the way across the country to perform in our comedy festival and be on our podcast well they pay

we do not no but it's not about the money it's about creamy spinach dip would be nice to get a little something do you have anything you'd like to plug people can see your show on the comedy network across Canada don't know yet

it's called the John Doerr television show People can see your show on the Comedy Network across Canada. Don't know yet. No, no. January sometime. It's called the John Doerr Television Show program. Yeah, it's not very good. If there's other things on, watch them instead. It's pretty tricky. Well, the Hills is going to be on then, right? The Hills will still be going on?

Hills is on, I think, 24 hours a day. Oh, yeah? That's a tough competition. They do a lot of marathons. They do. And then there's an after show to the hills yeah do you is there a john door after show there really ought to be if you guys want to do one that's great that would be honestly that would be a dream country if we could

do like if we get a live studio and talk about all the elements that we just get a crowd there who doesn't give a shit oh no yeah like maybe five people homeless people yeah or prisoners like everybody in you know orange jumpsuits that would be great and no one cares absolutely and then we're taking calls or is it in a seat like an apartment on a webcam kind of thing probably have to be studio you'd have to match it yeah and then the keys to the vip studio i just call it keys i just call it keys you guys catch keys this week i call it just call it Keys. You guys catch Keys this week? I call it the V. I calls it to the.

I calls it to the. He says to the guy. How about the Hills after show, after show? Where we can comment on the after show. So we take calls about that one person who called in? I didn't like when Beth... That's it.

Good night. Good night, everybody. Thanks, John Doerr. Check out my website. You can loop that I'm sorry, guys. It's hot in here and that did not help. Dave, that was gross. Yeah.

Fuck. Oh, Jesus was gross. Fuck. Oh, Jesus. I've ruined it. Classless. Completely classless. If I could go back in time, forget Little Hitler, forget Little Hitler, I'd go back and do a better fart. You would see yourself doing it and you'd be

taking me to that microphone. John, would you go back in time and kill Hitler and start the Holocaust well there was this fart once I repped and I wouldn't mind making it

a little longer it really fucking smells I would have grabbed Graham's microphone and maybe done like a stereo effect can you pan that by the way

yeah did it just hit yeah my name's Graham Clark this is Dave Shubka thanks again John Doerr everybody out there

if you want to write to us stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com or check out our blog on spot podcasting stoppodcastingyourself at blogspot.com dot blogspot.com

thank you my name's Graham Clark that's Dave Shubka and everybody stop podcastingyourself god damn you John Doerr sorry guys that is terrible

that is unacceptable.