Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 310

Episode Date: February 25, 2014

No guest this week as we talk fingerprints, smartening up, and ALF.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 310 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's very excited about episode number 311, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh, I'm going to come original. You've got to come original. All entertainers come original. Are those the lyrics? You don't know.

Well, I think, did Doug Benson go on a boat cruise with them? Yeah, the 311 boat cruise. They have a boat cruise. Weezer has a boat cruise. Kid Rock has a boat cruise. Barenaked Ladies have a boat cruise. If you had to go on one of those boat cruises, you can opt out. You have to go on one. Which one would you go on? Probably the Weezer one.

Just for... Just for, like, memories? Yeah, just to reconcile some things with teenage me. Do you think that when you go on the cruise of your choice, you also have to deal with the version of you that listened to that music? Like if you went on the Kid Rock. I think you see that version of you everywhere. Like the version of you that never gave up on this band. Oh, so it would be like a glimpse into an alternate future.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Like if I'd never, I don't know, if I just kept a candle burning for Weezer for 16 years. What do you think, of all of those cruises, who do you think ends up with the worst sunburns? Kid Rock. The Kid Rock cruise. Because they're all wearing a tank top? Yeah.

Yeah. They're all dressed as Kid Rock. It's a Kid Rock costume cruise. Do you think that Kid Rock ever slips into the parties and pretends like, Oh, when's he going to show up? Oh, he pretends he's just another dirtbag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not like the king of the dirtbags.

Right. It's like Charlie Chaplin did that. He entered a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest and lost. Yeah. Oh, yeah.'s a been a there's a been a few of those yeah who's it betty white was it maybe a betty white impression or b arthur why are there have you ever heard of these look-alike contests other than in uh lore um no and also i think it would be very boring because the people would just stand on stage

looking like the person yeah i remember i saw the the I went to the opening night of the Adam Sandler movie Waterboy. Wait a minute. How did you get tickets to the opening night in Victoria, British Columbia? And they give away prizes to people who did Adam Sandler impressions, but no lookalikes. No, because he looks he's another guy there i think there's certain people that their fans look exactly like them right and uh kid rock definitely fits that and i feel like adam sandler also like adam sandler fans look like oh sure they're all i mean they certainly dress like them yeah they wear a jort you know or uh you know a jean short yeah it feels like you wear

a cargo short a court you're right yeah a cargo he's a cargo short or just a sweat pant yeah and uh and a hoodie and uh you know some basketball team yeah yeah on a t-shirt or or some college maybe that he went to or yeah he got a free t-shirt yeah um and then but like bare naked ladies do you think like their fans look like the bare naked ladies probably yeah yeah although i think their fans i think they have a lot of female fans really who look like bare naked men oh um oh we should say we don't have a a today. I think that's evident that we hold these truths. I know, but what if people are like, oh, when are they going to even talk to us? Well, they didn't introduce the guest, and they forgot to even add him to the episode title.

Or her. Yeah, that's right. A girl could be that same role. It could be a bare-naked lady. The unknown guest. Tomb of the unknown. Yeah, so let's get to know us. It could be a bare naked lady. The unknown guest. Tomb of the unknown. Yeah. So let's get to know us.

Get to know us. Dave. Uh-huh. What's shaking, man? Oh, not a lot. Really? Well, I've seen a lot of you in the last few days. Yeah.

Like, since we last recorded, the last time we recorded was our live episode with Paul F. Tompkins. That's right. I hope you've downloaded that and enjoyed the mix. Yeah. Dave's working on, he's tweaking the mix. I'm tweaking the mix. Tweaking the mix. It's going to sound great.

Oh, it's going to sound worse. But, yeah, so that, then the next day. I didn't see the next day. Oh, you're right. I didn't see the next day. But the next day I had lunch with you and your parents. Yeah. That was fun.

Yeah. Yeah. So, so not, so it's fair to say that not a lot has gone on since I last saw you. But here's, here's the thing. I was in IGA the other day. It is a grocery store. What is it? The Independent Grocers Association?

I don't know. It never crossed my mind. IGA. Huh. Anyways. Grocers? Something? Yeah.

Something Grocers Something. Yeah. Okay. I'm on it. Okay. Yeah. something grosser or something yeah okay i'm on it okay yeah and i uh was looking for uh i was just getting stuff for a salad oh yeah yeah yeah some real greens like a thing of lettuce and a yellow pepper uh orange pepper i got an orange pepper bell pepper yeah um like an avocado sure

maybe you know what feeling funky i was looking for some blueberries what for your salad yeah dave outrageous i know right who are you jamie oliver and then some i'm jamie oliver and a little bit of uh i'm a little bit naughty like nigella yeah yeah which one's nigella is she the one that has the plunging neckline? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. She's the beautiful one. Who's the beautiful one that's also, like, has kind of an English accent? Yeah, Nigella. Oh, that's Nigella. She's English.

Oh, she's English. Who's the other one? There's Nigella and then there's... Oh, the one with the giant head and the giant smile? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Giada. Ah, that's right. Giada De Laurentiis.

Yeah. I guess they both wear a plunging neckline. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh... Yeah, you are a little bit, you're a little bit Jamie Oliver, a little bit Nigella, and if you drink enough,

a little bit Guy Fieri. Sure. And so I was looking for these blueberries, and I didn't know where they were, but I did see two young women in their 20s just laughing so hard, like cry laughing in the produce department. And I was sort of kind of interested in that, but also kind of trying to avoid it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But observing it from afar, but still looking for these blueberries and then i eventually went through all of the produce produce you were

hoping that they weren't anywhere near these ladies right yeah but in fact oh yeah when i got uh when i ran out of options i found that they were laughing so hard still like 20 seconds later uh because they had uh one of them had dropped a like one of those plastic clamshells full of blueberries on the ground i guess it's kind of funny yeah kind of funny yeah um but also there was like a a middle-aged woman sort of crouched next to them trying to get stuff from that was below. Oh, boy. And these women were blocking her. And... Maybe the women had never seen blueberries before.

Yeah, and immediately knocked them down. So, like, there was this, you know, smashed thing of blueberries on the ground. Yeah. Two women losing their minds. I don't get it. And then I had to do a lap of the cheese section while I waited for them to compose themselves. Because I don't want to get in the middle of this.

Did they ever pull it together? Yes, they pulled it together enough to then start taking pictures of themselves in front of the blueberries that they had spilled. Multiple pictures. No, I didn't get it. No. Do you think they're roommates? What do you think their story is, those two? It was in the middle of the work day, so they might be employees at a job.

I don't know, like a... Like they're work friends. Yeah, they're work friends, but they're really close, and I imagine they don't get much work done. And I imagine this topic probably came up how many times the next day seven times oh my god eric yeah oh my god boy who likes me and will listen to any boring story yeah as soon they work at like uh baskin robbins yeah i uh for for a while maybe like a few years ago um i had like an ongoing daydream of working in like some some job like that like a basket robbins or a burger king just to be like the oldest guy working with a bunch of 16 year olds just trying to like the manager no no no no like totally on

the same level as these 16 year olds and just like when they're talking about their math homework or whatever me just being like yeah math sucks and sort of as a cautionary tale yeah yeah yeah oh man man i do need to study math yeah yeah this guy with the uh the the beard net you'd have to wear a beard oh absolutely i'd have to wear a full uniform and beard net, probably just one that just covers my old face like a, what do you call it, like a kind of mosquito net or something like that. I should just wear a beekeeper's outfit. Yeah. Yeah. That would be good if you were working at like a honey restaurant.

Yeah. There's a honey store. Remember you told me there's a store that just sells honey? But it's not a restaurant. No, that's true. Although, honey goes on a lot of things. I guess maybe you watch these cooking shows and they use honey for a lot of exotic different dishes. I mean, Missy Elliott said it best.

I want honey. That was in the movie Honey starring Jessica Albeel. Oh, that was her saying, like, get me honey. Yeah, she played herself. I want honey. That was in the movie Honey, starring Jessica Albeel. Oh, that was her saying, like, get me honey. Yeah, she played herself. I want honey. Yeah. And then, is that based on a true story? Yeah.

The story of Honey Daniels, the world's greatest choreographer. Is she still choreographing? Yep. Well, she splits her time between New York and L.A. I'm surprised that you know so much. For the Rockettes and the L.A. Lakers cheer squad. That's not true. I'm surprised you know so much. Choreographing for the Rockettes and the LA Lakers cheer squad. That's not true. She's bi-coastal.

That's not true. None of this is true. No. I don't think it's a true story. There's, maybe I talked about it on the show before, that there was a book that was called Confessions of a Video Vixen. Ever talked about that book probably but sometimes we say the same overheard multiple times and i don't remember there's there's this book by this lady that used to be like if you needed a sexy lady in your music

video who was gonna i guess she was a dancer but mostly she was a sexy actress like you know in r&b videos the girl that the guy's singing to yeah it was her okay in most of the kind of 90s and uh the book is just all the people that she uh slept with oh yeah the only one i remember is vin diesel and uh she said he was like a very tender lover i I bet he would be. Yeah. I was going to say, I imagine he is. But I don't really imagine it very often. Yeah, yeah. No, but, you know, sometimes the mind drifts when you're watching Tokyo Drift. Yeah.

The mind of Tokyo Drift. He's not in that one. Oh, that's right. But you think, where is he? What's he doing now? Is he happy? Yeah. Is he tenderly making love to me?

Yeah. Yep. There he is. So tender, i didn't even notice yeah it's like having it's like sexing a ghost um oh have you ever sexed it sex to the ghost yeah well kesha invited me over to her house and we all we all banged the same ghost but yeah like uh i feel like this woman was the real life version of Honey, maybe? Sure. Less choreographing and more sleeping with the stars. Yeah, so not at all like Honey.

Honey didn't sleep with no one. Oh, was Honey very chased in that movie? Yeah. She was constantly being chased. Benny Hill style. Coyotes. Movies about her trying to choreograph this group of coyotes and they will not stop chasing her and she's like come on let's do this sort of thriller dance and they're like girl snut arl um uh jessica biel is that who is in it Jessica Alba yeah she

what is her what is her career what is it now because she's not playing those she's not playing she's not

saddling up for honey too I think she's in all these Gary Marshall movies oh Valentine's Day Valentine's Day New Year's Eve

St. Patrick's Day yeah Flag Day yeah Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Yeah, Flag Day. Yeah. Abraham Lincoln's birthday. British Columbia Family Day. Alberta Family Day.

Yeah. The sequel. Do we talk about family? Oh, yeah, you spent time with your family on Family Day. Oh, who did I spend time with on Family Day? Abby and Grandpa. Oh, yeah, and we watched True Detective. Yeah, True Detective. Troy Detective.

I feel like I've got to see that before people start. Are there spoilers in it? Spoilers to be had? Yeah, there's spoilers to be had. Of course there is. I just feel like people are going to start whipping those around pretty quickly. I think I saw one on Twitter and I was like, guys, come on, it is a new show. No, but I've always sort of felt that way. They're like, okay, you have to be, you have to be careful about spoiling things. People don't want that.

I think if it's an older thing, it's fair play, but this show is still on the air. But I heard a, uh, I think it was June Diane Raphael. Tell me. And she was a guest on, uh, Who Charted. Yes. The podcast of past guest,ulab Filaysak. Yeah! Worked at the Pastomania.

And she has a theory, or the way she sees it is that she's concerned about spoilers, but so is everyone. And we all have to take these actions. Like, stay off Twitter if you don't want to be spoiled. Stay off Facebook. Well, in batch watching culture, though, like, if it was a thing where it was the night of. So I wouldn't ever be on Twitter if it was the season finale of something because I'd assume that it would be spoiled. But everybody's watching these in batches. be spoiled but everybody's watching these in batches so somebody could have watched like all however many episodes are out and then just spoiled something for somebody's only seen two

of the episodes but that's on them like if i guess i can't just go on twitter without somebody spoiling a brand new show like it is a brand new show it's still on the air so i think people who are doing that are being dicks i i think you're right all right they are but it's ultimately your fault so what am i supposed to unfollow these people or just stay off but what i'm supposed to stay off of twitter if you these are the precautions you need to take nah i think this person god bless their heart is wrong no no i i i think you're wrong i think i think i'm right i i don't think that people have to suspend spoilers forever if i am listening to a podcast or something and they're talking about a

movie that's just come out i can fast forward through that so if i went to a movie tomorrow that just came out and i put the ending on twitter that's your fault that you saw it it's your fault it's i mean usually you can tell the kind of person who would do that. But it was a friend of mine that just made it. It was as a joke. But I know that they spoiled something very important about True Detective. If it was that important to you, you would have seen it already. But I've been working two jobs.

I don't have time to sit down and watch True Detective. Well, I'm sorry. If you cared enough. Well, I do care. But there's not enough. I hate this argument so much yeah but i feel like this stranger usually get this real i don't think this stranger that i've never heard of i don't uh i say they're wrong and i stick by it i i uh disagree i i say they're right

go stranger so but that's what i'm saying so it is your fault if i spoil a movie that just came out i put i put a joke with it spoils the ending that's your fault'm saying. So it is your fault if I spoil a movie that just came out. I put a joke that spoils the ending. That's your fault for reading my tweet. It's my fault for not having already seen it. So even if it just came out, like even if it's brand new. What's brand new? Like if I went to it the first weekend it was open, you were like, oh, my wife's out of town, so I'm going to see it next weekend. Yes.

So it's your fault. Yes. Well, I think that's dumb of you to take that fault. You shouldn't accept that fault. It's my fault. Yeah. Yes. So it's your fault. Yes. Well, I think that's dumb of you to take that fault. You shouldn't accept that fault. It's my fault. Yeah. Yeah. No, if I cared, I'd see it. This is the dumbest argument I've ever had in my goddamn life.

So, what else is new? Oh, boy. Nah, I'm not. I'm the same, because we were together on Saturday, and then my parents were in town, and I just spent the whole day parenting, parenting son. Did you get parented? Yeah, they taught me parenting. No, no.

Oh, like they told me, like, this is, we were very disappointed. No, yeah, you're not on the rug. Go to your room. Yeah, no, we went to breakfast. My parents called me at 7 in the morning. Right. We've been up for five hours. And we went, we had breakfast.

Did you pretend you were awake? What, like answer the phone and be like, ah, good morning. Yeah, I did. uh what like answer the phone and be like ah good morning um yeah i i did i caught i answered in a bed like i just had only uh one ear one access to one ear because i was still lying in bed but i think i really sold it yeah i was awake yeah i've been up for hours because the the problem is the phone only rings so many times and you have have, so it takes a couple, maybe it takes a couple rings to wake you up. Yes. Certainly at least the first ring.

And then you have to sort of figure things out. And then you have to compose yourself. Yeah. And also with these slide answers, it's not always the first slide that catches it, you know? And so my, yeah, I got up early, really early, and breakfast and then walk around. And then, you know, like if you're not skiing or something, the things to do in the cities dwindle down as it starts raining. Have you seen the aquarium? Have you seen the aquarium, the seawall, Stanley Park, and the museum?

You've pretty much hit... What museum? Or the art gallery, sorry. No museum. And the Jimi Hendrix Shrine. Oh, we should have gone to that! Take your parents on a, you know, take them on an alternative tour of Vancouver. Yeah, this is where all the cool kids buy their shoes.

Yeah. This is the place where people line up for breakfast like idiots. Speaking of shoes, I found a pair of wooden clogs at the thrift store, and then I tried them on. And surprisingly comfortable. Like, shockingly comfortable for a carve. Like, basically you're wearing a statue. You're wearing a little totem pole on your foot.

Yeah. And they were really comfortable and then I was like, oh, that was fun to wear clogs. And then my dad decided he needed to buy them and... Did your mother protest the whole time? Right, yeah, right away and that is that what pushed him to do it i feel that's what lit a fire under him to uh

lit a fire under his clogs which then just went up um but i didn't know that uh people wore wooden clogs for real like i thought it was like an old time thing yeah or their decoration but there are people that actually do wear them apparently abby has a pair does she wear them she has quite a pair and uh she has worn them i don't think she wears them out of the house okay i think they're like house shoes but like when she walks around clip clop clipclop, clip-clop, clip-clop. They have like a rubber padding. Not quite a... I wouldn't call it a rubber sole, but they have little... I think they have like nubby bits.

Right. But it's made out of wood? I think so. I think it's actually wood on the bottom and then like a leather strap on the top. Hmm. These were straight up just like blocks of wood. Right. That you like slide your feet into.

And anyways, now my dad has them. I don't know what he's going to do with them. Like wood all the way. were straight up just like blocks of wood right that you like slide your feet into and uh anyways now my dad has them i don't know what he's gonna do with like wood all the way all the way no other material on it there's a little bit of leather on top like just where on the uh so that you can slide your foot into it and that's it the rest of it's just shaped out so the leather is on the inside uh it's like kind of like a tongue on top. Inside. So your foot is touching it. Yes, your foot touches it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the rest is just wood. So the bottoms, they're incredibly loud. Super loud. And super, I imagine, slippery and gooey when they get wet. Like, you know how wood gets a little soft? Oh, yeah, you would totally wipe out and apparently they were used for uh because gardeners working with like tulips apparently it was really wet uh-huh i don't know why that's a good shoe for wet but right it's a i guess better than it's a dutch thing it's a dutch thing that's true they're looser about their morals oh yeah totally hookers loose more marijuana do you think like if you were walking downtown in uh holland avenue one

two three holland city holland the capital of holland would you see little holland oh yeah little shoes would you see somebody wearing clogs? You'd hear them first. Oh yeah. On the cobblestones. That's the clog murderer. Yeah. First you hear them, then you don't see them. Or her.

It could be her. Oh yeah. Spoiler. That's how they always get you. Spoiler, that's the end of the clog murderers. Yeah. Sorry guys. Yeah, sorry.

Sorry idiots. If you really cared about the clog murderers you would have read it before we wrote it by the way it was a book oh yeah it was a book before it was a movie was it a book on tape yeah do people ever do that just release a book on tape with no book i would yeah i feel like like maybe that's a thing save on printing costs. Well, I know we have to come up with a bonus episode for our donors. Yes. For the upcoming MaxFunDrive. Fun.

Do we want to just do a book on tape that's not written? Ooh. Yeah, I kind of want to do that. And I think I know what book we want to write. High School Hermit. Oh, sure. We'll put that in the movie pile. All right.

Yeah, so clogs. Right. We bought some clogs. I remember an episode of Elf where the older sister. Yeah. Were there just a sister and a brother? Yeah. Lynn and Brian.

Okay. Lynn, I guess she didn't feel good about herself or something. Okay. So Alf signed her up for a beauty contest, a pageant of beauty. That's a convention in sitcoms. Oh, yeah. Where somebody doesn't feel pretty, so they get signed up for a thing where they're going to be judged on their looks. I misunderstood you.

I thought you meant that's a convention. Instead of a pageant, I'm going to a beauty convention. I'm in the Adam Sandler look-alike category. That's my talent. It's like a whoopie doopie da. The talent that Alf put on her application was that she's a clog dancer. She said, clog dancing? And Alf said, oh, I thought that was just when you clog a sink and dance around it.

That's what Alf said. Yeah. Alien life form. Do you remember the episode where he dated a blind girl? That's true. Did she feel his face? Yeah. And she knew.

She knew when she felt his face that he was not human. Right. Okay. But she didn't turn him in. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What kind of slut is this girl that she knows the face of a human? She felt a lot of human faces? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What kind of slut is this girl that she knows the face of a human? She's felt a lot of human faces? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah. It is pretty intimate to have somebody touch your eyeballs, you know? Are you supposed to close your eyes when a blind person touches your face? I've never had a blind person touch any part of me. Oh, really? Yeah, they do it all the time without asking. I just want to see if my hands fit around your throat. Yeah.

Hold still. I just want to do that. What was it? Like, if you can fit your hand over your face, you have cancer. And then someone punches you in the hand. Or the thing where they hold back your hand and you pull it towards you and then they let go and you punch yourself in the face. Yeah, blind people are always doing that to me. Blind.

The blind. Nature's pranksters. Yeah, that's the one episode. I don't remember many of the episodes of Elf. I watched it religiously, but I don't remember anything. Christmas, Easter. Yeah. Yeah.

He, you know, he would hang out in the garage and make Willie mad. I know a lot of that. But the only thing that I remember is he wore like a fedora and a trench coat and went out to meet this blind person. Yeah. I don't know how he got from point A to point B. I think Lynn maybe drove him. They were always in cahoots.

Yeah. Brian, the son, he was kind of dead weight, wasn't he? I think they wanted to kill him off, but they didn't know how to do it in a sitcom without being uh you know classless yeah i mean yeah like you don't want to have a sad episode but you do want to kill this kid yeah would you watch an elf reunion elf elf reunion ALF. ALF reunion program, short film, webisode, any of the above. Would you check that out? No, I don't care.

What if? Was the mother redheaded? Yes. I'm in. Who did the voice of ALF? I don't know. Still doing the voice of Alf? I don't know Still doing the voice of Alf as far as I know In commercials

For Alf There was a Radio Shack Radio Shack And he was also in But what was his line? Yo Alf Spoiler alert Graham that, that was me.

What? Yeah, you should have known that before I told you. But it was so convincing I was brought to another place, you know? Ha! But that was his other thing he'd say. But it's weird. I did watch, I think, every episode, but I don't remember. Yeah, I used to know.

I did watch, I think, every episode, but I don't remember. Yeah, I used to know, like... I think that would blow my mind if I see a picture of the guy who does Alf's voice. Uh-huh. Because, uh... Who's Will Ferrell? Well, I have no idea what the guy looks like. I only know him as that voice of that... Yeah.

Do you think that's his, like, regular voice? Like, when you would hear Jim Henson talk and he sounded like Kermit the Frog? Yeah. I wonder if that guy's just trapped in being elf. Elf. Ah! I don't know how I can pronounce it. Yeah, it's weird. I probably saw every episode of that as well. I had the stuffed animal. Yeah.

And I... I watched the cartoon. I used to know every show that was on every time slot. Yeah. At all times. And now, um, uh,

how I met your mother's going off the air. And I've never watched an episode of it. Just watch the first episode in the last episode. Oh yeah. You've covered. Save yourself some time. Well, like apparently the,

the, the thing is like the character that is the mother it was not one of the characters right because they didn't intend for it to go a thousand seasons yeah they they thought maybe uh two seasons a reunion an after-school special a movie for after-school specials they don't do those anymore but they wouldn't do them with the cast of No, no, no It would be a very special It would be, you know, Bieber age kids Right

Bieber and Younger But they wouldn't do it like It wouldn't be a spin-off of a regular show Oh no, it wouldn't be Well, although sometimes they would do like Step-by-step presents Oh, really? I feel like every episode of Degrassi was an after school special

It was But like Were afterschool specials like an hour, and they focused on a special, like, one, you know, taking drugs. How to take drugs. Yeah, how to take drugs. Where to get drugs. Yeah. Here's how uncool you are. Yeah. This is how you take drugs.

This is the cool way to do it. Yeah, and don't just go to the first drug dealer that offers you drugs. Shop around. Yeah, that first guy could have some real shitty weed. Get a taste from everyone. I remember there was like a special that they made us watch in school, and it had the Ninja Turtles, and it had the Elvin and the Chipmunks, and it was about the environment or staying in school or possibly not doing drugs but it was

it was one of those like it was a special by nbc that was really all the all the nbc cartoon stars the ninja turtles were uh not on form they were the funny later on ninja turtles that weren't quite as cool as the earlier ones i will remember the Saved by the Bell episode with Johnny Dakota? Who came to shoot a public public service announcement? Don't do drugs. And then he... There's no hope with dope.

Yeah, and then he was shooting heroin between his toes at the party. Into his penis vein. He had no track marks on his arm. He only used his penis vein. And Kelly Kapowski was like, I'm not sure. And he's like, hold the vial. I can't get it straight. I gotta tie off my wiener.

So Johnny Dakota is this supposed famous actor who's going to be in this PSA at Bayside. What do you think? He was based on probably Johnny Depp, right? Oh, maybe. I think that was the undertones. I thought he was maybe based on Beau Revere. And he... Then they

found him doing doobies in the school. Was it in the school? Well, he did doobies at a party. And they found a doobie roach in the school bathroom. So this guy... The big bathroom that everyone in school has to go to at the same time. This guy was so addicted to pot that he had to do it just before shooting a PSA in a high school.

He had to smoke it in the bathroom. Yeah. Oh, wow. And then they went to Mr. Belding uh they were like hey mr belding uh we johnny doobie dakota he can't but he's a johnny doobie dakota he's a big liar man and so he can't be in this psa for drugs and uh i and they were like i guess the psa is not going to happen after all that we all get to be in um us the six most popular kids in school and so finally they were the only they were the only kids in that school basically well there were some nerds yeah there was that

one that talked like this yeah frogger and uh uh but then mr Mr. Belden called his old college friend Brandon Tartikoff, the president of NBC. Yeah. And who doesn't have the star power of a Johnny Dakota? No, no. But they still did the PSA with him. And his thing was, I've got a great idea for the new fall lineup. Don't do drugs. Yeah.

Although, why couldn't they have, like, hey, Brandon Tartikoff, why don't you get us Blossom? Yeah, yeah. Why don't you make one of your stars come down here? No, I want to be in this. Yeah. Let me handle this. Kids relate to me on a deep level. And which NBC star from the early 90s would you want in your high school PSA?

Was Alf still on? Was Alf? Because Alf is the answer. Oh, no. For me, it would have been Bull from Nightclub. For me, it would have been Ubu. No, he smoked doobies. Now, in the Johnny DeCote episode, was there anything bad that happened because he did the pot?

To him? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He jumped out of a window with Helen Hunt. And rolled around in glass. Yeah. This is what happens when I don't smoke enough doobies. The other day, Abby and I were talking about, because i guess our neighbors had a party and uh or it seemed somewhere some people were loud at

nine o'clock and uh abby and i were talking about um the when i was i guess i was about 10 years old and my uh at my parents house our nextdoor neighbors went out of town, and their son had a party. Oh. And that was, it was like a huge party, and I think their TV got stolen, their front window got broken. People were all over the yard, and people were peeing into our our yard and we would stick our head out the window and embarrass them. And that was the first time I ever smelled doobies. Oh, yeah. Were you very confused?

Like, what is that? Someone told me. My sister was like, oh, that's doobies. Because it smells like a very much like a skunk yeah like the first time that you smell it and then

then you then you crave it day and night oh let me smell your coat did you ever go to a party that would like that with the smashed windows and cops showing up

and maybe fights breaking out and all that let's see which of the six parties I've been to was closest to that? I think I maybe have been to parties where it was like, oh, why are we here? Everybody, let's smarten up.

Yeah. Everybody, let's smarten up. Hi, I'm Brandon Turtica. Yeah. Smarten up. Smarten up, kids. Brandon Tartica. Smart enough. Smart enough, kids. Have you? Yeah.

In high school, there was... And I think only high schoolers can really rage out at a party. Because as you get older, you're like, oh, paying rent, and I understand what property is worth and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, and as a teenager, that's the only time you're in a like a grown-up's house yeah as you get older the houses you're partying in uh have a coffee table and a laptop my friends and i had to uh we didn't do it but somebody uh kicks a giant hole in the wall of the bathroom of this girl's house and uh she freaked out. She had, like, just a crazy freakout. And we said we would, don't worry, we'll fix it.

And we were all just shit-faced and so hammered. So we went into the garage and found, like, what we thought you would fix a giant hole with. I hope it's drywall. It wasn't. I mean, there was definitely some wood and spackle. We found, like, some sort of spackly stuff and paint that didn't match the paint. Anyways, the repair job we did was so piss poor that there's just no way you...

But you actually got off, like, you didn't stop yourselves and be like, hey... Oh, no, we were drunk. Let's smarten up. No. You weren't around to tell us. And then one of my friends tried to hang, like, a picture over half of it. But I was like, we need another picture that'll hang. But don't hang it off of this, because this is not load-bearing anymore.

It's just spackled in a piece of wood, we feel. Load-bearing refers to, like, holding up a ceiling, not a picture. Well, I couldn't even hold that tiny little load. Also, you should wait for the stuff to dry. Oh, we didn't do anything right. We made it much worse. Well, not much worse, but we didn't fix it. We just made kind of a mess.

The only time... Well, I definitely went to a party once where a guy freaked out that his ex-girlfriend showed up. Oh, okay. and then just broke a bunch of stuff really yeah yeah see that's what i'm talking about like real but it was his own stuff oh it was his house yeah oh wow uh yeah that's that's a bit much that's like i don't know i there was always a kid in school that his parents were divorced and what he would then go stay usually with the dad who is not super responsible right so then you go in the house and they're like several bikes in the living room stuff like that you're like this is outdoor stuff inside yeah what a fun party yeah and uh And, yeah, I remember those always.

I think almost all of the parties I went to in high school ended when, like, police showed up. That was pretty standard. Yeah, I definitely left before police ever, like, I heard, oh, they're going to call the cops. Okay, well, I'm leaving. I'm leaving well in advance of that. And let me say to you before I walk out this door, smarten up all of you. One time in university, we went to a party that it was like six girl roommates had a party at their house. Fun.

And so as a prank, I bought a pregnancy test. That's a fun housewarming gift. No, but then just like pretended it was like I opened it up and used it. You used it? Yeah, and then like left it on top of the garbage can for someone to discover

later. Then like two days later I was talking to one of them. Did anything happen? What's new with the house? Anyone pregnant? Did anybody find it? No. It was all for naught. Well, no.

You got a fun evening out of it. Yeah, I did. I did have like five minutes where I was like, am I? Or aren't I? Yeah, the egg timer timer um yeah there was one party i think i well maybe i told you about this or not there's a guy threw a party while his parents were at a hockey game so the party had to be under three hours yeah yeah and uh nope uh his parents pulled into the driveway and then he was at the front of the house, and he screamed like, everybody out!

And so everybody filed at the back door, but all of our shoes were at the front door. So when the parents walked in, there was like 40 pairs of shoes. And all these teenagers hanging out in the back alley with no shoes on. Pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, house-destroying parties, not as big in the later years. No.

Because you can't. Oh, boy. It was, what's the movie, the 80s movie with the big house party? Sixteen Candles? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. movie with the big house party uh 16 candles yes oh yeah yeah exactly where they're just like you know picking up uh vases vases yeah and just dropping them like breaking things for the sake

of breaking them how many vases do you own three right cool yeah Zero. Well, you're allergic to flowers. Yeah. And also, I don't know what I would do with a vase, I guess. Put flowers in it. Yeah. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Or marbles. But these vases in these movies, they don't have flowers in them. They're just decorative, ancient, rare Ming vases.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Always the vase is going to... Sure. They always get it. The worst yeah, yeah, yeah. Always the vase is gonna... Sure. They always get it. The worst. At any house party. Yep. But even at the house parties that my roommates throw,

they know enough to, like, put away anything that's breakable. Yeah. So how do these teens not know that? Teens are dumb. Yeah, they are dumb. Smarten up, teens. Listen to Dave. Dave's three-point guide for success to teenage-dom.

Step one, smarten. Step two, up. Step three, smarten up, ya face. Yeah, so, but yeah, I haven't been to like a, and I kind of hope I never do go to another raging house party. Well, with your coworkers at Burger King. I would get invited, and I'd do go to another raging house party. Well, with your co-workers at Burger King. I would get invited, and I'd probably have to boot for them. I'd have to be there.

Graham's coming, and he said he's going to bring on enough beer for everybody. Yeah, that would be good. That would be the only way. They would try to not invite you, though. They'd be like, hey, I think you could buy us some booze. Oh, what for? It's a birthday present for my alcoholic father yeah it's a science project to see how drunk i can get could i watch oh no can you just drop it off in the backyard and then leave and pretend we don't know each other oh i, I gotta come into this party. Sorry, Jennifer.

My co-worker, Jennifer. Yeah. Anyways, are we still on for our study date? Did you ever go to a fast food place and there's a teenager there who's cooler than you? Teenagers that are cooler than me are everywhere. That's what I find. It's pretty, it's tough.

I mean, I like it when there's a, you know, a total loser there. I can deal with that. We saw a guy last night. When I'm trying to impress the person at Harvey's. You're like sweating the whole time. Like, oh boy, I hope my burger's cool enough for these people. And they're like, I can't believe my dad took away my cell phone. Oh, you can have mine.

Yeah. What sauces would you like? I don't what's cool sauce relish is that an old man sauce yeah it is relish it really is an old man sauce yeah oh no doubt i saw uh last night at the laugh gallery there was an early show that was improvisers. And this one guy, I don't know, maybe he was part of the show. I don't know. But he was wearing the coolest dude costume. He was wearing, basically he was dressed like Marty McFly.

And he had a tiny little skateboard. And he was chewing on a toothpick. What Marty McFly? 1985? 1985. Yeah. Yeah, 1855. He was wearing a poncho.

But he had this skateboard that was about the size of this beer. Like, it was so, it was like only one foot could possibly get on this skateboard. Like a roller skate.

It was kind of like a roller skate. And then he was chewing on a toothpick, like just had it dangling out of his mouth and I was like, ugh, who is this guy?

Yeah. Coolest kid at the party. That's something that always looks cool. And have you tried it? What, toothpick like just had a dangling out of his mouth and i was like oh who is this guy yeah coolest kid at the party that's something that always looks cool and have you tried it what toothpick yeah oh no you just get splinters and yeah it's a pointy pointy all the time yeah and they tried to do the thing like the guy in uncle buck does where he spins it around and it always does get caught in the top yeah top lip ah it's so cinnamony do you know that the toothpicks that you get at a chinese restaurant that have like the little edges on them do you know what i'm talking about they've got like two kind of lines around the top okay sort of like a bevel or emboss yeah like an emboss

do you know what that's for um what it's apparently you break like it because it's it makes the wood they're really weak you break it, and then you put it on the table, and that's where you rest your toothpick. Oh yeah, it's like one of those, um, it's like a BuzzFeed list of 17 food hacks. Exactly! The other one, there was a food hack that I didn't know,

uh, when you... On your Coke can? Yeah! The little guy put it backwards? So that you can put a straw in? Yeah. Man. Like, I've been using it wrong all this all this time. All this time! Who's that? The river flows

Chubby Checker? Endlessly to the sea It's true! It's true! It's true! It's Sting I could have guessed Yeah, Subtle Sting Yeah

Your Sting sounds a lot like Chubby Checker Well, Sting wrote that song about Seeing a Buzzfeed list about food hacks 17 food hacks What's another food hack? Do you know another one? Like knowing the right time to cut into a mango oh yeah that's that kind of stuff i'm not as interested in i don't want to know there's some things humans aren't meant to know although

if you cut an onion underwater isn't that a thing yeah that's probably something yeah yeah yeah and then you cut your fingers off underwater and it's fine. Yeah, because it's already clean. Yeah. Because your fingers belong to the ocean. If you cut off anything underwater, your hand will react like a starfish. True. It's the starfish code. Do you grow back human fingers or do you grow back starfish? No, starfish prongs. Oh, so easy to commit crimes.

Although you're probably the only guy with starfish hands. But they don't have fingerprints like humans, so they wouldn't be on file. And you could easily blame it on a starfish. So when you are born, they fingerprint you, and that's on file forever? They also give you a tiny little footprint. I never thought about that. Because don't they in cop shows go, oh, there's nothing on file? No, that's just for DNA. Oh, yeah. I don't they in cop shows go oh there's nothing on file no that's just for dna oh yeah i don't know actually but yeah so you're everybody's fingerprints are on a file

somewhere because they do they ink your the ink pink you stink right do they write in on a horse's dink i don't remember that yeah yeah every child is born. It's part of our insurance. The doctor rides in on a horse's ding? Yeah. Yeah, no, I guess that's how, like, it's sort of a nature nurture thing. Like, would I have been a criminal if you hadn't fingerprinted me as a baby? That's true. Would you have caught me?

You know, like, if you had given me the advantage of not having my fingerprints. Especially with these meddling kids what if i go overseas do my fingerprints travel with me or do they change when i'm in yeah no you get it depends on the um the like the plugs they've been plugged over in europe like so my fingerprint might be the same but it's sideways yeah yeah So it looks like it's sort of winking at you. Yeah. I kind of don't understand anything about fingerprinting and DNA, except what I've learned on CSI, which I assume is all lies. I assume that's not how you do it. Yeah.

Like, you don't just you don't think you're allowed to wear your hair down as much as the detectives on that show seem to be. And on NCIS, all of these shows, they seem to just allow... I've not ever watched NCIS. That's the one with LL Cool J, right? That's NCIS Los Angeles. NCIS regular has Mark Harmon. Mark Harmon, yeah. Who wears his hair down all the time.

Yeah, right? That's not... Because wouldn't you always be like like we found another one of your hairs at the scene you've been on quite a killing spree it seems um yeah if i was an ncis star i would totally steal my friend's hairs and prank them and it's not you like if you find a weapon they just flip it over with a pen or whatever but that pen's got to be covered in like your fingerprints can you transfer a fingerprint from an object to another object it is not from a pen so pens are totally they're fine they always picked up the pens by the trigger

or the guns by the yeah yeah oh yeah not the pens yeah they pick up the pens with a gun there's a pen at the scene and he picks it up with a gun. And the pen also has a trigger. It shoots ink. Yeah, but I've always wondered, like, that's not, you can't do that. You can't do that on television. No, that's the only place you can do it. You can't do that off television.

That's right, you can't do that off television. That should be like the forensic detective code. You can't do that off television that's right you can't do that off television that that should be like the uh forensic detective code you can't do that off television and then you get slimed and then you have to blacklight search for slime now uh because they um you know like they put dust on a fingerprint right and then they put tape on the dust and then they lift up the print and then put it on a piece of paper or no like a computer now oh yeah but then no you put it on a piece of paper you make five you make one of those turkey hands yeah and then you bring it back to and then you were looking for this suspect a turkey and that's why uh the president always has to pardon one oh yeah they're wanted for so many crimes yeah uh i I like this more and more by a degree.

Uh-huh. So you just take the tape and you just put it in your CD drive? Yeah. And it uploads? Yeah, to your iTunes. And you listen to Criminal Mind by Gowan. Criminal Mind! It's Chubby Checkers version is all I

all I've ever known Gowan's Canadian yes yeah but also he's the lead singer of Styx now oh really yep congratulations to Styx what happened to their lead singer he got light poisoning. That's not a thing, is it?

If you had to be poisoned, what would be your poison? Pick your poison, Dave. Okay, I mean... Boy, can I get poisoned from the inside? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like my um turmoil can i get poisoned by turmoil yeah yeah it can be it can be your own turmoil right it's oil yeah and it's not to be taken internally just right what would you get poisoned with oh molasses so much molasses why ah so slow such a slow painful death. Sure. I would choose something.

It would end up in Ripley's Believe It or Not, the man who was killed by molasses. But why wouldn't you pick something that you never eat? Oh. Instead of molasses, which you eat every day. Pour them on your cereal. Pour them. Pour some molasses. Oh, wouldn't that be the grossest?

If you just always had molasses. I don't know what molasses. Oh, wouldn't that be the grossest if like you just always had molasses. I don't know what molasses tastes like. Um, it's like so sweet. It's not even sweet. Yeah. Right. It's like one of those things that's like bitter because it's so sweet.

And there's a true story that there was a town, maybe Chicago, but where there was a huge molasses flood and a drowned people. Yeah. But it was like molasses. It's slow. That's like a ketchup flood. Yeah.

But, uh, yeah. Would you rather be drowned in like molasses, ketchup, salsa, or soy sauce? Oh boy.

Um, not salsa. No, cause I don't want that going up my nose. I feel like there's acidity to it. Yeah. Too spicy. Soy sauce. Can I have honey? I want honey. No. Because I don't want that going up my nose. I feel like there's acidity to it. Yeah, too spicy. Soy sauce. Can I have honey?

I want honey. Yeah. Oh, drowning in honey? Oh, yeah. Because you try and make as many bubbles as possible. I also find honey isn't as sweet as it's cracked up to be. It does come from a bee's butt. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, not a lot of other sweet things do. But it's like the gold standard in sweetness, but it tastes weird. Sugar, just plain sweet. Yeah, sugar is really where it's at. If you want sweetness, mini eggs. Plenty sweet for all. Put crushed up mini eggs on anything. Delicious. I could put that in my coffee. Yeah. This Easter, treat yourself. crushed up mini eggs on anything delicious i could put that in my coffee yeah oh yeah have this easter

treat yourself have the heat warm them up oh or what about a cadbury cream egg then you get milk and sugar that would be very sweet but you're right oh i want to be drowned by the contents of a okay gross too sweet yeah too sweet okay yeah for me maybe molasses you live your you live your best life this is what oprah's all about it's true um did they tell you about that i bought an oprah book what's that mean uh years ago i bought it for uh research for a project and then uh i was going to return it and i lost with oprah well let's just say that project you bought a book and you were going to return it yes um why not a library oh have you been in the library lately yeah bed bugs bed bugs also our uh main uh library branch downtown seems to be overridden with

pigeons uh because pigeons have figured out how to fly in the front doors, and so there's pigeon shit everywhere. I have not been in a library since I graduated from university, and not a public library since I was about 12, because I have the superpower where I read really slowly, so why bother getting a book out for two weeks? You can just buy a book, and it takes you forever to read yeah that's true save a lot of money by just buying books i uh one time so when you said an oprah book you mean a book by oprah yeah yeah and not one of her book clubs no yeah book by her that and that was the expression in

the book was live your best life. She's really, like, hammering that home. That's her whole thing. You gotta. Do you think she is? No, she sucks. She's like, I don't know, she does a lot of lame stuff. Like what? I don't know, hanging out with Stedman.

Yeah, sometimes she shows up at parties that you're throwing and, like, lames it out. No, of course she's living her best life. She's living my best life. She's living my best life. She's living the best life. What sauce do you think she'd prefer to be drowned in? Oh, probably like, you know, lanolin. Oh, wow. Something really like...

Or aloe. Yeah, something really good for you. Yeah. Yeah. But ultimately deadly because there's so much of it. Yeah, you can drown in a bathtub. What would be the one fluid outside of water that you'd want to go swimming in? Boy.

This time you don't have to drown, but you do have to swim. Do I get to wash myself off afterwards? Yeah. And you're allowed to... Oh, then pee. Yeah. No, like... You're allowed to wear goggles, so you don't and nose plug

so like whatever it is worn a nose plug uh they're not very comfortable but they are attractive do they work uh yeah you know but at what cost i got a question i don't know i got Seagulls. You know what? It's going to be like a cool whip. Whoa, good one. Yeah. It would be really scary, though, when you went under. It would be very dark because light doesn't penetrate a cool whip. I'd go for just a straight-up jello pool and just make trails in it by swimming in it. You know what?

We should combine the two. Delicious. And then all these seagulls just fly in and just start in it. You know what? We should combine the two. Delicious. And then all these seagulls just fly in and just start destroying it. Ants. I'm being eaten alive by seagulls. Why do all my swimming fantasies turn out like that? Are you like that movie Swim Fan? Was that somebody who's now famous?ica christensen the other one oh yeah

erica christensen is not she was not more famous now than she was then was she in traffic traffic or or the other one uh oh crash is that the other one? Yeah, I guess Traffic then. Yeah. She's... She was blonde. Yeah. She's like a Julia Stiles-y sort of Scientologist. What's Julia Stiles doing now? She was in those Bourne movies. She played young Joan Allen. I wish her the best.

If she's listening, or if any, Julia Stiles mostly. I don't really remember the other one as much but julia styles oh i think eric christensen's on a tv show now maybe a procedural i i wish her the best oh she probably goes in with like beautiful long hair and just uh lets it all over the crime scene right no i think she's uh she's a bun she wore oh yeah yeah she's the ballerina detective yeah yeah she uses her ballerina skills to solve crimes or to fight crime. How does she use them? She like Jim Carter or is she like the mentalist? Um who? You know Jim Carter. No, are we talking about Erica Christiansen?

Julie Stiles Julia Stiles isn't on a TV show. No. No, what's she up to? I wonder I don't know I mean, she's acting she's great. Yeah, it's just been being great saving the last dance she's hating 10 things about you do you think that movie was originally called i hate 10 things about you really yeah and then it was just changed to 10 things i hate about yeah 10 shrews i tame about you um yeah wasn't she also in a remake of Othello? Was that her? Sure. Yeah. A remake. As opposed to the original film? Yeah, wasn't there one? By William Shakespeare?

He was that generation's Tarantino, right? He wrote a lot of... He was sort of his generation's McG. McG did the Notorious movie? No, Charlie's Angels. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah and he created the oc i think really yeah mcg did i think so mcg created the oc he wasn't big on letters i mean he was big on letters he just like it was an economy of letters yeah yeah yeah

well he could say so much with just so little. Yeah, just like Bill Shakespeare. How's the O.C.? Okay, see you later. L.A.R., though. Oh, yeah, yeah. He wrote all of his scripts in Prince language. Oh, lordy.

Now, should we move on? Have we wasted enough of the listener's time? We've done a great job. Yeah, absolutely. And what were you going to do anyways, listener? Go check out a Julia Stiles movie or what? Now's the time. Yeah, I suggest Save the Last Dance.

Dave suggests... The Born Baltimore... The Born... The One Born movie where he jumps from the window and the camera goes with him. Jesus. Yeah, the Bourne Jesus. Ooh, Othello. Yeah, Dave recommends Othello.

I recommend Ten Trues. I hate about Tames. Do we want to move on to a piece of business? Yeah. All right. Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. It's all-in-one. Tell me about it.

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But after these messages. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the Max Fund podcast, Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. If you've never heard Risk, why not start with our 150th episode? It's an all-star lineup of jaw-dropping true stories from Aisha Tyler. This being the 90s, I was drinking malt liquor. Don't fuck you in your racist thoughts. We're all racists. We're laughing.

Tom Lennon. Whenever I walk into a place that's called Mr. Binkies, I'm expecting Armenian Bumblebee to be like, I got Jackoff pills for you. Yeah! Jay Moore. Me, public school in New Jersey, I didn't need to know anything because everybody knew you got pregnant by peeing in each other's butts. That's how we knew.

Andy Dick. We've had a monogamous relationship for five years. I barely cheated on her. And The Daily Show's Jessica Williams. Oh my God, I have like this need to be responsible for some reason that doesn't really benefit me. So like, Jessica, clean it up. Look for Risk on iTunes or, of course, at MaximumFun.org. Risk!

I'm Keri Poppy. I'm Ross Blotcher. And we make a show. Oh, no, Ross and Keri. Oh, no. We investigate fringe science. Spirituality. Religious groups.

Alternative therapies. We put ourselves through a lot of uncomfortable situations. So that you don't have to Because really, why would you? For example, I watched a tube be inserted into Ross' anus That's true, but it sounds terrible out of context We've tried penis and breast enlargement pills We spent six months undercover becoming Mormons

We hung out with the 9-11 truthers The UFO cult, the Raelians And we're going to do more It's one of the newest shows on maximumfun.org overheard overheards are a segment in which guys like me guys like dave we two of us yeah we're out there uh making things happen oh man are we ever yeah and uh sometimes you're adjacent to or parallel to someone who is yappity yap yap yapping and they just they drop gold nuggets all over the place like literally yeah yeah i i ride the uh gold rush bus yeah you're on the klondike five yeah yeah me uh you instead of coins you just put like a little gold on the scale, and then when it balances, you've paid your fare.

Then you get a prostitute. Yeah. You go to the back, and there's a barrel. Full of prostitutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more fun than a barrel of prostitutes. And who do you want to start? Because we don't have a guest, so I can start. You can start. I'll start. Okay. Mine's great. Oh, shit. Mine's not. want to start? Because we don't have a guest. So I can start. You can start. I'll start. Okay.

Mine's great. Oh, shit. Mine's not. Can I start? I'm overselling. Oh, okay. All right. Mine's not an overheard.

It is an overseen. And it was Abby and I were driving to brunch the other day because we enjoy a meal. Oh, yeah. Brunch is sort of our fourth meal. But we have it between breakfast and lunch. So do you actually wake up, have some breakfast, then go for brunch, and then have lunch? Huh. Huh.

I mean, would you? You would if you could. Let's see. What do I do? No, what I do, I might have like a, there's a coffee shop in the neighborhood and I might get a pastry there. Sure. And then A pastry.

Right? As opposed to? Pasty. Okay, sure. Yes, I might get a pastry and then go for brunch, but then I won't also have lunch. I do get hungry at one. But I'll just have yogurt for the rest of the day um yeah you're on that yogurt cleanse you eat nothing but yogurt yeah

where you get yogurt stuck to the inside of you and nothing gets cleansed ever that would be like pouring insulation into your bowels that is what people do they just eat nothing but yogurt? No, fiberglass insulation. The pink stuff. The Pink Panther brand. Is there a Pink Panther brand of insulation? Yes, absolutely.

Why? For kids. Who's the target market for this campaign? I think for kids who are insulating their toy fort. Yeah, tree houses. Toy fort. You don't like toy fort? Well, I don't think toy fort's a real thing. It's not.

Yeah, tree fort is what I was hoping for. Sure. So that's my overheard. I went for brunch. Wait a minute. No, no, no. You were going for brunch. I was going for brunch. And you know how you will see occasionally a van or a truck or a car that is really dirty? Yes.

And someone will write a message in the dirt. Yeah, my favorite. Usually it's something like, wash me, or I wish my wife was this dirty. Really? Have you seen that one? Yeah. That's really funny. But the one I saw, it was an old red panel van, and it was filthy, and someone had written in the dirt, hashtag dirty van. Oh, man.

When old technology meets new. Yeah. And the old technology is the finger. I really like that. I wish my wife was as dirty. The next time I see a really dirty van, that's what I'm going to scroll into. But you're not married. No, but the person who has the van, it's them.

I'm not writing a request. Well, maybe I am, and then I put my phone number. Yeah. Well, how do you know they're married? Oh, I don't. And how do you know their wife isn't super filthy? I guess there's no way to know that, is there? I mean, you've got to do your research. You've got to follow them. Oh follow them oh boy yeah that's true yeah i have to follow them in an even dirtier van yeah

and then maybe you find out they have a super kinky sex life and you can write my wife is exactly this dirty yeah truth in advertising that's true my wife is dirtier than i am it scares me a bit my safe word is what if he's single then I have to find him a wife. Then I have to study their sex habits. I wish my future wife, or you could just do, I hope one day to have a wife this dirty. As dirty as this. Yes. As long as you do your research, I think that uh finger graffiti will come from an honest place

and i think that will ultimately show in your work thanks thanks for the uh guiding me through it oh and smarten up hashtag dirty fan um my also if your vans get dirty they're canvas just put them in the uh washing machine oh yeah and And then draw on them during fourth period. Yeah. Draw either who you like, their name, scrawl it over your shoes, or your favorite Simpsons character saying, I carumba.

And then after you wash them in the washing machine, put them in the dryer, they'll really rattle around the dryer, give you a nice orgasm. If you're a you know a curious lady as dirty as say a van oh yeah absolutely if you if the van if you bring the dryer into the van a knock yeah then please be a lock-in no i'm trying i was trying to think of something yeah okay you just cut me off no no I went like I thought

I had something and then it flared flared down what's a rock is washing dryers a rockin yeah um oh please put your socks in yeah thank you alright um or

yeah that's fine talk myself out of something you haven't overheard what are you gonna say so oh i know what you're gonna do yeah um that's pretty good um my overheard uh involves a different appliance it's not a dryer uh It was a lady just telling her friend, what is an appliance? Like, what's the definition of an appliance? I remember that, you know, a clue in a game might be this appliance,

blah, blah, blah, blah, and you would be microwave. Are you asking if a microwave is an appliance? Is it? Yes. Okay, is it a couch? No, a couch is furniture. Furniture, appliance, bric-a-brac, and beyond.

Sure. So this involves an appliance, I understand? Yes, that's right. And it was just a lady telling her friend what she had told the person that was fixing her dishwasher. That she said. And then I told him. And then I almost did a header into the dishwasher. And that's all I need.

So, like, the day was already. Yeah. She had already fallen into several other appliances. A header is when you fall headfirst into something. Yeah, can you imagine if somebody fell headfirst into a dishwasher? But if your dishwasher is broken, I don't think the guy can fix it. I mean, the fact that you're falling into it isn't something a guy can fix. Oh, she was trying to seduce him at the time.

Yeah. Look how... Look how many pencils fit in your butt crack. There's a lot of pencils, ma'am. But if she's just falling into appliances all day... That's why it's broken. She keeps falling into it. It looks like somebody fell headfirst into this.

I don't know. Yeah, this face print... Looks a lot like you. You know when you're born and they give you the doctor face prints here? Presses the baby's face into the ink, man. First into some ink, yeah. you yeah you know when you're born and they give you the doctor face prints here rolls it from side to side to get the whole face sometimes well they do the hands and the feet and sometimes if they can't get the feet right they just do their own fist the heel of your fist there my my phone phone just died uh overheards i can i borrow your phone yes in addition to uh overheards that we uh discuss here we also have uh listener overheards that are sent in via email if you want to do the same you can send them into spy at maximum fun.org.

And, the first, uh, person, um, comes, uh, this is a Dylan S.

Um, and Dylan S is writing to us from, I don't know. Didn't say where, uh, anyways, somewhere far, far away,

somewhere only accessible by email. Somewhere. Um, he'll never get out of. This is, he's at a Starbucks. When I overheard a woman calling to her small child saying, Come to mama. Come to mama or else you'll get stolen.

Come to mama or that man in the sweater is going to steal you. And I looked up to see the reaction of the sweater man, who certainly must have been a friend of hers. That's when I noticed I'm the only person in here wearing a sweater. Oh, harsh. Yeah. I think as a young parent,

it's all you can do, uh, to make a pass at a guy in a Starbucks is just say, Oh, I think you're going to be the new daddy. Baby's looking for a new daddy who's warm in the torso who's warm yeah um he's a little hot under the collar warm in the torso now why are people so afraid of their kids getting stolen because that never does that it doesn't happen that regularly in a starbucks does it it's very rarely posters where it says last seen in a starbucks yeah feels like that's a pretty

safe let's see let me just remember the runaway train video someone stole a stroller from the street yeah oh that's true that could have been in front of someone getting pushed into a van. Oh, yeah. 12-year-olds wearing mascara. No Starbucks in there. No, fair enough. Yeah. Yeah, she's at the market or something.

She's buying... Babies. Yeah, yeah. Black market babies. Oh, yeah. And then you see that look on her face where she's like, babies yeah black market baby oh yeah it's been then she then you see that look on her face where she's like i already have a baby and then she walks out and she's like oh no my baby back into the store with me to buy a black market baby they don't actually have a market set

up or do they for babies yeah or black market anything no like you don't go in and like there's a cash register and like aisles and stuff in the, like, there's a cash register and, like, aisles and stuff. In the black market? Yeah. There's no place that's, like, the black. There's no place like home. No, I think it's all, like, very hush-hush. And so it's, like, briefcases full of cash.

Oh, yeah. Where can I buy those? Where can I buy a briefcase full of cash? Oh, boy. Well, it's got to be that kind of like silver um sort of corrugated briefcase like a handcuff to somebody a handcuff to a guy yeah yeah or just a hand because they sawed the hand off of the guy instead of sawing off the cuff what but if they sawed off the hand why would it still be in the cup i don't know it's really tight i guess you just have a bloody cuff yeah oh yeah you would

pull the hand out the other side yeah i guess that's what you would do uh um have you not have you never been in the black market no i well i mean i bought stuff at a flea market does that count as a black market no that's the flea market. Okay. So the black market's one level down. It's like underground. Yeah, but it's one level down from the flea market in terms of legitimacy, but one level up in terms of awesome stuff you can get. Oh, yeah, that's true. Like tiger bladder.

Baby. A gun. A gun. Yeah, a gun, a drug. A gun. A doobie. Oh, yeah. How many doobies can you buy on the black market? The sky's the limit.

Oh, sky high doobies. Skyhighdoobies.com Oh, go there to design your own doobie. Design your dream doobie. Oh, man. Yeah. Mine would be covered in, you know strawberries mine would be uh like wrapping paper instead of rolling papers okay and what would be inside of it just

oh i'd love to design a doobie that you you light it up and it cooks a cookie oh and you don't have to smoke drugs you'd be the most popular guy with all the drug smokers You just get to get a nice Just a whole thing of Tubular cookie Have you made cookies out of a Cookie dough thing That you buy from the store

I can't even, I just eat the whole thing Could you just unwrap the whole cookie dough And then just cook that Like a giant doobie? Well, into like a cookie log, basically. Well, it wouldn't keep its shape. Oh, it just flattens out? Yeah, it would become like a giant cookie pie.

A giant cookie pie? It would be like a flat lasagna of cookie. Oh, man. You could make two or three of them and make like a cookie cake. Oh, cookie cake sounds really yeah and two and then put like uh ricotta cheese and uh mushrooms and eggplant make it into like a cookie lasagna do you think the cookies are gonna are they're gonna like come back because donuts have had really a real run and also cupcakes have been fucking everywhere but cookie like remember

cookies by george that was like that was cookies time to shine do you think cookies are gonna come back or are they are they just like man that's your old man's yeah you give a cookie to a baby yeah cupcakes are for grown-ups yeah because you can't go, there's no boutique cookie place, is there? There still is, certainly. Yeah. A bakery. Yeah, I guess a bakery. Yeah. Like a cookie boutique.

The next overheard, this comes from, where the hell is this from? Oh, it's funny because this person's name is Dallas and they're from Tallahassee, Florida's name is Dallas, and they're from Tallahassee, Florida. All right. Yeah. So Dallas from Tallahassee, Florida. While in Walmart, a mother was talking to her young 8 or 10-year-old daughter. Honey, I don't understand you. I didn't learn Spanish in high school.

I learned poker. Right? Cool. Why is her daughter speaking a different language than her? Is that your question? No. That person, Dallas, not only wrote in that overheard, phoned it in as well. Wow.

Double dipping. Didn't make the cut for the phone calls. Ah. I thought I could really breathe some life into it with my character acting. Really, can I speak to Dallas? Wait, he wasn't one of the characters? No, yeah. You can speak to either the mom or the 8-10 year old daughter.

Can I speak to the 8-10 year old daughter? Yes. Hey, 8-10 year old daughter, how old are you? Si. Cinco. Oh no, cuando esto ajo. Cinco. to ten year old daughter what how old are you see oh no oh no quando and stow a Joe Cinco but you're eight to ten oh Joe is this a can you speak to us your You're terrible. You know? Yep. Does his character laugh after every laugh? Is he?

Fun. And this last over, this is an overseen. This is in honor of Canada's greatest game show, Bumper Stumpers. Okay. okay um this is a license plate that a person well obviously wanted to uh have it say one bends one those were the b and z yes like mercedes ben so this is a mercedes and he wanted it the license plate to say one bends one uh but he there's like a state motto thing in the middle of the uh-huh so it says be one be and then on the other side nz1 which looks like i be nazi i want to know what the state motto is but But, you know, like, there's something in between the letters.

You can't get them all joined. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's Matt B. in Reston, Virginia. Oh, what is the Virginians for lovers? Yeah, I be Nazi. What's on their license plate, do you think? Virginia? Yeah.

Don't you dare. I don't know. Are they like us, where they have a symbol or a flower? Well, ours is beautiful British Columbia. Right. And don't we have a sun coming up or something? I don't know. The Virginia license plate one is uh virginia's for lovers or it was formerly

virginia is for history lovers oh is that right i was wondering why virginia's for lovers was the thing because it's not like uh it wasn't a honeymoon destination but you think that they would have that it's well it is much much better than Virginia's for history lovers. Oh, boy. Because I'm imagining nerds. Yeah. But with lovers, I'm imagining, you know. Yeah. Nerds.

Yeah. Sex nerds. Sex nerds. Sex nerds. So it says I be. N-Z-1. No. I be Virginia's for lovers Nazi. Yeah. Yeah. Like a real history Nazi.

Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. A bit of a history Nazi. Oh, you mean you're a Nazi? You think it's Eva Bronze? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Whatever happened to her? Her and Julia Stiles. Put her on an APB. Yeah. In addition to overheards that are written in uh we also get your phone calls um now here here's how you do it 206-339-8328 that's the number this is the phone you're the people this is your chance one shot on opportunity spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti here we go hey dave Dave Graham and possible beautiful guest.

Nope. Nope. My name is John. I'm from Toledo, Ohio, and I have an overseen and an overheard for you. It's a cute one. It's about my niece. I was at my sister and her husband's house recently, and they have two little nieces ages of seven and nine, and he just got a brand new television and the box

was sitting in the corner. And the seven-year-old was sitting there staring at the box for several minutes, probably around five or six minutes without, without making a noise. And you could tell she had a real hard look on her face that only little kids have. And all of a sudden she runs up to my sister and me and goes can you can you please cut a hole in the box and we're like sure so we cut a small hole in the box and she gets a big grin on her face and very quietly goes finally i can be a television and people can play games on me. Wow. Yeah. A lot of imagination, right?

Yeah, too much. Is there, yeah, too much? Is there such a thing? As too much imagination? Yeah. What do you think? I mean, the sky's the limit. I mean, I'm thinking about, I'm still imagining my perfect doobie.

Oh, boy. Cookie doobie? Yeah, cookie doobie. Oh, boy. Cookie doobie? Yeah, cookie doobie is one of them. Cookie doobie with no marijuana in it. You light it, and it turns into a little tube cookie. I'm also thinking of a... And then the cookie is also a straw that you can drink milk out of. I'm also thinking of a doobie that's a functional car that I can drive around.

But do you have to light it on fire? No, no, it's just shaped like a doobie and uh the back the uh exhaust is all marijuana smoke it runs on marijuana is this um the like an actual thing from a cheech and chong movie they drive around in the doobie car it seems like something they would yeah oh man if my phone hadn't died I definitely would be Googling Doobie Mobile right now. Maybe I would be disappointed. It's hard to say. Yeah, you'd find the Doobie Brothers tour van.

Oh, yeah. But if they drove from state to state in a giant Doobie, like a bus shaped like a Doobie, it'd be really more, it'd be pretty aerodynamic, I suppose. If it's, you know, if it's rolled right yeah although you'd get pulled over all the time because uh some cops would think you were a smoke pot and others would be like there's a giant caterpillar on the road um fire fire i i did just uh google doobie mobile yeah the first result is a youtube video entitled jaredog's doobie mobile oh man what's jaredog up to now uh he looks exactly what you think he'd look like

oh what do i Jaredog looks like. Just a beard right on his chin. Oh, Jaredog. Oh, Jaredog. A little necklace, baseball cap, doobie mobile. Yeah, yeah. Like a doobie vehicle. So, like, does his vehicle look like a doobie, or is it just like something that he really smokes a lot of doobies in?

It's a nine minute and 40 second video, so I'm not in the mood to find out, I guess. Nine minutes, oh man. I hope it's... I'm about to compete in a demolition derby. I don't know, Jared Dogg's getting his doobie mobile the theme from Jared Dogg's doobie mobile okay guys I'm not going to watch this 9 minute video

but you can but what a start though hey I'm Jared Dogg and I'm going in to watch this nine-minute video, but you can. But what a start, though. Hey, I'm Jared Dogg, and I'm going in a demolition derby. It does really set the plate. Okay, here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave, Graham, and guests. This is Brian in South Florida with Overheard for you. I'm at Disney Hollywood Studios Park in Orlando today,

and we have an animation exhibit where you can take a personality quiz and determine which Disney character analog you are. And I'm sitting next to a woman with her two daughters, and they just finished with the program. And one of the daughters says, Mom, can you believe I'm just like Ariel? And the mother said, that's great. And then the other daughter says, and can you believe I'm like that lion Nala?

And the mother says, that's great, sweetie. And then she says, can you girls believe I'm just like Tinkerbell? And you're like, yeah. And then one of the girls turns to the mother and says can you believe daddy is a was a bad guy and the mother's tone suddenly shifts and she says yeah i can oh something something something a woman scorned yeah uh well you know what she should have known it when she married a guy named jafar wait Wait, Jafar's the bad guy?

Yeah. I always really identified with Jafar. How come? Gilbert Gottfried as a parrot. I always had that as a child. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Let's see, evil mustache? Yeah, you had one of those.

Yeah. He kind of has a real long face. Yeah, and I don't really remember the plot but i assume uh he wanted to marry someone against her will that's bad guys always want to do that they probably you know how can they never show the girl who's like i wish he'd i wish he'd stop going after that girl and making her oh do you think that jafar has a secret admirer yeah like somebody was like i want to marry the evil jafar oh and i'm certain gaston does yeah Yeah, oh, well, he was so handsome. And Ursula.

Yeah, how come they never write in that character who's like, don't marry this woman that doesn't even want to marry you. I'll be all the woman you need. And then a happy ending for everyone. Yeah, exactly. They live happily ever after, ever after. Yeah. What? Yeah, that's what you asked for.

Give me the happily ever after. What? Oh, is that like a... It's an In-N-Out burger. A massage thing? It's the secret menu at In-N-Out burger. Oh, yeah, somebody comes and jerks you. Animal style.

Okay, here's your final overheard. Hello, Dave, Graham, and surely wonderful guests. This is Erin from Chicago. I am currently waiting on a bus stop, and I just got off of a train. And there were four, like, 19-year-old girls and one, let's just say, 19-year-old boy sitting across from me. And one of them, they were all on their phones. And one of them was looking at their phone and she went, oh, my God.

What does third base mean? And they all looked at each other and were like, not in a public space. And then she was like, okay, okay. And she looks back at her phone and she goes, no, really, what is third base? And she kind of types it in her, she types something in her phone and shows it to the girl next to her and she goes, is this what third base is? And the girl kind of looks at it and was like, ah, and she just taps the girl next to her and says, they show her the phone and the girl goes, oh, wow.

And then they tap the last girl and she goes, I'm sure that's in between second and third. And it was truly delightful because the whole time the 19 year old boy was just smiling and nodding at me so uh yeah thank you so much you get it uh i don't even know if somebody asked me what their base was i don't think i'd be able to uh i mean i can guess yeah i mean okay well scoring is a home run home run and that is sex yeah that's got to be sex it's the old in and out. Old in and out. And first base has to be, like, kissing? First base, kissing. And then second base is what?

Hands? Hands, I guess. Handshakes? Yeah. You kiss someone, and then the next time you meet them, they let you shake their hand. Yeah. And then, but then, see, third base is kind of confusing. Yeah. What is that? Oh, I, third base is kind of confusing. Yeah.

What is that? Oh, I guess I know. I guess it's mouths. Yeah, but not kissing mouths. Now it's like kissing cousins' mouths. Yeah, so I guess in between second and third would be... Just running? Just like motorboating someone's stomach? I got tagged out before second base it's hard to do with beards

she said that they were all on their phones and I was watching a commercial today and it was for I think it was for there are these local commercials about investment fraud. With the old lady? Yeah. Yeah.

And someone was in this, there were some extras in this, like, coffee shop. Yeah. And one woman was just staring forward. And I was like, if you were an extra now, your only job is to look at your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Because Extra work, when the camera's rolling, you're a regular person, and a regular person is staring at their phone all the time. And when the camera's not rolling, just stare at your phone all the time.

Yeah. You're like, there's no excuse for how bad an Extra this woman was. Yeah. Like, there's nobody who would just be sitting in a coffee shop staring out the window not at the window like it's just staring forward with their back to a wall uh you know maybe she was um like uh you know waiting to assassinate sure maybe she was catatonic oh you think she was maybe a uh um oh manchurian can yeah yeah she was maybe a Manchurian candidate? Yeah, yeah. She was just a sleeper cell, and they were just waiting to turn her on. Then she goes over to that old lady, stop busting scams. Busting makes me feel good.

Well, great. Overheard. I enjoyed that. Yeah, thanks for phoning in your calls this week as we phoned in the episode. Disagree. We got to, we got to explore what fluids we would swim in. Our perfect doobies. Yeah.

Our dream doobies. I think yours is my favorite. Yeah. Cookie dough doobie. Yeah. And then you, and the doobie paper is made out of something that I guess enhances the flavor. Yeah. Just like some sort of paper made out of chocolate.

Yeah, or nut. Yeah. I've never had nut in a cookie, but very popular. Yeah. Very popular cookie addition. But can you do, what can be done with a cookie that hasn't been done? You know, like cupcakes, they made a whole cake out of cupcakes. Yeah. They served it at a wedding yeah

like cookies i don't know i don't know if if maybe i'm just thinking too inside well cookies are good because you can make them they can be uh crispy or they can still be a little soft yeah so you could you could make like a cookie bathing suit or like a cookie burrito where you like wrap other ingredients inside of it and like sort of a soft soft cookie yeah it's basically a cookie doobie at that what would you put what would you roll into it like well like things like nuts and chocolate skittles yeah yeah we're doing this yeah yeah yeah it seems like a really good but the cookie has to be really like pretty floppo yeah and then but then once it once you uh fill it with stuff once you roll the the burrito

closed yeah then do you cook it again to crisp it yes absolutely and then you just enjoy this like crazy you know you put like little bits of caramel and nuts and chocolate and then you roll it up. If anyone's into that, mail it to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make it, mail it to us. Express. Well, mail it to yourself so you can patent it. Yeah, exactly. If there's any way you could make an envelope out of

the cookie. But here's the problem. If you mail it to yourself to patent it, you'll only open it and eat it because it's so delicious. You're so dumb. I can't believe you thought that would work. So, yeah, do that. And, you know, if you like the show, you should tell your friends. And go to MaximumFun.org.

And go to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, which is pictures and videos that Dave put together to kind of explain things on the podcast that maybe you want to dig deeper into. Yeah, maybe you didn't know that Gowan song. Maybe you've never seen that commercial featuring the old lady busting out. How could that be on YouTube? How could it not? Is it not everywhere? The old lady doesn't know YouTube. That's true Yeah, but people might not know

What a Manchurian candidate is Also, JerDog No, JerDog's DoobieMobile Is absolutely going in And if you like the show, tell your friends And come on back next week For another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported