Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 311 - Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: March 4, 2014

Kyle Kinane returns to talk driver's ed, balloon animals, and plumbing mishaps.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 311 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's so excited about the big snowflakes that are falling from the sky, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I love it. This is not a snowy place. You don't care.

I don't care. I love it. This is not a snowy place. And whenever I see it i get excited makes everything beautiful for 20 minutes yeah it's nice because it's not sticking to anything except grass and it is it looks nice it's kind of the perfect the perfect snore really really yeah this is the perfect snore uh and our guest today uh very funny man been on the podcast i think this is third time maybe i think third all right none of us is gonna do the research uh you're right um all the way from los angeles here in vancouver for the northwest comedy festival mr kyle canane is our guest hello hello hi welcome

i'm enjoying your delightful snow as well yeah right you don't get any snow ever nope so this is the winter wonderland uh i'm from chicago so everybody there's everybody there like i guess there's just like it's a blanket of bad attitude because of how long it's been people just walking around like i i can't yeah it's there the first couple days it really becomes a unifying force everybody's like whoa it's snow but it's been months like they've been getting just how long did i everybody's just like fuck this and so i can't even make fun of them like i live in cali i just feel bad yeah we had a huge snowstorm a few years ago and it was the first time in my life i'd ever seen it where people like dig out their parking

spot and then leave like lawn chairs to save it and apparently that's a chicago like that's on your your coat of arms i guess yeah two lawn chairs at either side and it just looks like somebody's trying to have a nice picnic well the thing is they do that like they do like you live in a city it's street parking you don't get to do that right that's what street parking if you want to keep the spot don't move your car i agree people do but then somebody will park there and just throw the lawn chairs yeah they'll come by and they'll mess with your car but you don't know how many people have parked in that spot since yeah exactly through the lawn chairs out and they can either get real mean and like slash tires and stuff or like somebody threw an egg at my sister's windshield which is what

it's called it just turns it's just like it's like well sister's windshield, which is what it's called. It just turns. It's just like throwing a rock? Well, it's like rubber cement. Oh, no. It just turns into glue on your windshield. Oh, wow. She was like broker, ice scraper. She's like, what's going on? Just egg.

You can't see through it. But it's temporary. It is. It's like a weird form of like rubber bullets. You'd be able to find out who it was because nobody's walking around with an egg i guess maybe if you're just stopping in but you'd be able to point to at least uh coordinates you don't walk around with an egg oh yeah well no i do when uh when we're learning

in sex ed class i take care of a baby um but you're not supposed to throw it in a car i know that a baby you are though yeah yeah well you don't know what type of father you're not supposed to throw it in a car. I know that. A baby you are, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you don't know what type of father you're going to be. Yeah. Until you overhand your baby into somebody's car. Until you draw a face on an egg. Oh, should we get to know us?

We didn't even play the theme. Let's play the theme. Get to know us. Kyle. Yeah. What's new and exciting? Anything? Everything? What's new and exciting? Anything? Everything?

What's new and exciting? I don't know. All kinds of stuff. I get to tell jokes in a lot of crazy places. I'm going to go to Melbourne. Oh, yeah? Have you ever been to Australia before? I was there once before, yeah.

So they let me come back. What's the deal with that? Do you say it like you've got some animosity towards Melbourne? No, I've never been to Australia, Dave. Too far. Yeah, it's way on the other side. And it is kind of like you get there, you're like, oh, this is all vaguely familiar. Yeah.

So it's very far to go someplace where you're like, oh, I get it. Yeah. I mean, that sounds, but also I didn't get to leave Melbourne because I had shows every night, so I didn't get to explore. So it was kind of just... Right. I'm sure most of the island is crazy. They call it a continent.

Oh, sure. But they... You wanna... But you were in a city, but there's vast areas of Mad Max. Yeah, no, there's rainforests and the outback and everything, except you're just walking by five Subway sandwiches on a block. I get it. Except I'm jet lagged.

What kind of crazy toppings do they have at the Subway in Australia? Oh, they got their Hoppin' Mad Kangaroo Bread. Yeah. It's just a pretzel. I don't want to bring you just a pretzel. And they give you mayonnaise instead of mustard to dip it in so they swirl it on in the opposite direction it's not they start with the condiments then they go to your your life spirals out of control counterclockwise

in australia i like that because in australia they would call it subway sandwiches they wouldn't just call it a subway is that right i feel like I met a guy from Australia and just kept saying Subway sandwiches. And I was like, is that what it's called where you're from? I had a college gig where like that. They said there's more Subways than McDonald's now. Whoa. Which makes sense because you don't have to have a kitchen. That's how fresh it is.

They don't have to have a kitchen. They can just open it up anywhere. I guess. And use their microwave to toast things yeah these are gelatinous meats meat spheres i swear this used to be a footlocker it still is you can get a sandwich also combination subway footlocker yeah five Combination Subway Foot Locker. Yeah, $5 Foot Locker. Pretty good. So, yeah, like, you're going to Australia. You tour all the time, right?

Yeah, it kind of doesn't stop. And do you like it? Are you one of these people? I do. One of those people. One of these psychos? Whose dreams came true and they appreciate it? One of these assholes? What type of, you said you were playing colleges.

I've heard those. No, I don't. I do maybe two a year. And? And I just want to stand up there and be like, save your money. Take this $50,000 you're going to spend to be a freshman in college and go travel the world. Yeah. And then inform yourself about things and then make a decision on what you might want to do for a living.

There you go. Instead of going, well, three months ago I was a senior in high school. Yeah, that's true. Smoking pot out of an apple in somebody's mom's sable station wagon. And now I guess I'm going to be a psychologist. Like, no. Go out to the world and i just stand up they just stare at me and i just i'm like have they ever seen if they have they ever seen stand-up at that point like i guess they would have seen it on tv some of them know

but i also feel like if you're going to the free event on campus on a friday night like there's squares come on what are the cool kids doing let me i'm gonna play that gig for free after this to the free event on campus on a Friday night. There's squares. Come on, what are the cool kids doing? I'm going to play that gig for free after this. They're all having sex. Is it like in a cafeteria or something? I haven't had to do the cafeterias, which I think the pressure would be off. Not like in an auditorium.

Because at least people are full. And you get heckled by some kid who's like 18. And I was like, really, dude? Really? I'm like, I'm going to go ape shit on you right now. I'm going to make a kid cry. Yeah, they gave me the check

before I got on stage. Big mistake. And you're 18 with your arms crossed? Like, you got answers? I will murder you. They haven't even taught you how to not get murdered yet. This is my dreams coming true up here, and you're ruining my night? Oh, man.

What, the goddamn Sioux Falls for you, you son of a bitch? Sioux Falls, is that the university? Sioux Falls University? I don't know. I just pick cities that sound like they're far away. I actually enjoy Sioux Falls as a city. I don't know. I did a that sound like they're far away um i actually enjoy sioux falls as a city i don't know either college outside of sioux is that idaho south dakota oh it's one of our dakotas um top two dakota southern most dakota uh like the uh i've

heard there's lots of universities in the states that are like dry universities that don't have any booze in them at all. Sexual stimulation. Yeah. I'm sorry, college. You're just not doing it for me. I've just got a lot of stuff going on at work. I'm playing the dry hump-a-thon at Sioux Falls. Dry hump-a-thon.

Denim-y denim. Yeah, that would be a good like fundraiser the couple that dry pumps the longest oh yeah it's like uh one of those contests where you have to keep your hand on a car yeah yeah they just uh denim flames yeah the zipper burns um i don't know i mean i thought it was weird when i went to a college and they had a bar that was part of the campus. Like, I had never seen that before. Really? Yeah.

I mean, it's college. There's bars, but the ID and this. There's a college in Southern California that like, oh, it's the campus bar. Yeah. But all the bars. Yeah. I never saw that before. That was like, you're just on campus

and walk in oh that's just par for the course i mean it's a little strange in the states because you go to the drinking age is 21 that's right oh it's 18 up here 19 19 yeah did those two years make a big difference what between 19 and 21 i don't't know. I don't remember. Did anybody rush down to the States for anything they had to offer? Yeah, Cookie Crisp. Yeah, join the army. Yeah, I know. I was going to say, we can get guns for the government. What is the voting age?

Is it 18? It's 18. But it used to be 21. Is that right? Like in the 60s or something, and then there was like a campaign to change it. Oh, I don't know. Because they were like, if we can go to Vietnam, we should be able to vote okay it was before they were in a war in vietnam if we were allowed to go on vacation to vietnam i actually don't know if that's the

case um yeah is there anything you can do at 16 in the states drive driver's license which they want to raise to 18 what it's probably a good good idea. Yeah, it's actually not a bad idea. Yeah, who fought for that? Younger drivers. Yeah, that is sort of weird. I mean, like... All the child labor laws tightened up, so we got to get them back and forth to work, you know?

We got to get them in there. Did you, have you ever, like, did you both get your licenses at 16? Yeah, 16 or 17, yeah. I got mine, like, like yeah i think right before i turned 17 i know a lot of people who like they had done all the preamble that you could possibly do and then on like the eve of oh yeah they like got their test right away and oh yeah usually people did you have the cars to drive yeah did you have the yeah yeah i have something to look forward to.

Rich parents giving me whatever I want. I drove a minivan. That was my wheel. Yeah, most of my early driving experiences were just picking my mom up. Dropping my mom off. And feeling her nervous fear. Yeah, exactly. As she holds on to the gripper.

My parents visited me last year, and I went through the same thing, and I made my mom cry because I yelled at her in the car. Oh, no. At first, I kicked her out of the front seat. I'm like, you got to sit in the back. And she was like yelling. I'm like, you can't... Don't...

Stop it. And so I just hear her fingernails on everything in the interior, just scraping, looking for something to hold on to. And she's like, there's a car! There's a car! And I just slammed it apart. I'm like, I've driven across this country four times. She's like, but I just stopped like four times!

I lost my mind. She got angry. When you were learning to drive, did your parents teach you, or did you go straight to driver's ed? No, the parents taught me and it was always like, well, we're going to teach them. Like, Dad, I want Dad to do it. Dad has patience. And then the driving.

We never had the cars with the two steering wheels. We had just the extra brake pedal. My parents had a car with two steering wheels yeah but that's because they just got along so well yeah i'm gonna take a nap pilot and co-pilot that's what marriage is all about yeah that's that's how you share duties um always uh in sitcoms set in high school in the states there's driver's ed in the school as a like a for course credit yeah did you have that or is that just a is that no no no it was a class it was a class in high

school yeah did you have to pay for it because like driving school and it was you know hundreds of dollars you could go if you were like turning 16 over the summer or something you wanted to go but everybody else like no they're just giving it to us in school. And it was always the gym teachers that had to be the driving instructors. That was somehow the duty that they were given. You're a gym teacher. You better start pulling your weight around this place. Yeah, you got to do something else. So you're outside of harm for most everything.

Now we're going to put you in harm's way with just the extra brake pedal. And I was in a car with a guy the other kid learned didn't speak english real well okay well he's just cruising and like wouldn't understand he's like both hands on the way he would automatically take his hands just arm rest arm rest one hand up going through a stop so i was like stop and the guy's like okay okay and you're just in the back seat like, oh, I might die this way. All he's got is a brake pedal. Oh, yeah, because you have to observe from the back?

Yeah, well, they're taking two and three people out. And it's just a frustrated gym teacher. Boy, that seems like that would be very intimidating. Because even with just the teacher, it was very white-knuckled. But if you had a couple of dudes in the back, like, snickering. Yeah, and anything you did wrong got reported back like the one girl like going down the wrong way they're not gonna believe what she did traffic we all shit our pants it was great you're now the least popular girl in school um yeah we didn't have that's not a thing yeah i did driving school and then i might like my dad

would take me out and i was it driving's a privilege, not a right? So therefore, you should pay for it? Well, we paid the government, and the government... No, I'm just kidding. But I just remember... Did you ever get any accidents? I feel like 16 is too young because you're not... I don't even have spatial awareness yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was clumsy. Yeah. I don't... I crashed. I didn't get any... Did you? You awareness yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was clumsy. Yeah. I don't. I crashed. I didn't get any. Did you? You crashed?

I crashed a bunch, yeah. A bunch? I crashed. I had a prom weekend. We were going to Six Flags. Cool. Which I'm sure you're familiar. Yeah.

A theme park. An amusement. Yeah. Yeah. A park of amusement. Instead of prom? There was prom. Oh, okay. And then we make a weekend out of it.

And for some reason, I had all the gals in my 86 Oldsmobile Calais. So it was smooth like that. The car, the dashboard actually would light on fire if I had to use the windshield wipers. Like it was just too much electricity? That was a fun moment. Yeah, there was a weird switch. I was driving with my cousin's ratings, like windshield wipers on. And I'm like, what's that smell?

And the dashboard was glowing, but not like a light, like a flickering. He's like, it's on fire. I'm driving like, I don't even know what to do. We're blowing on it, making it worse. Eventually, it just spit into the dashboard. And I had to drive home. People didn't even have bottled water. I was driving home with like a giant McDonald's cup full of water.

Just in case things went wrong, I would douse the dashboard. And when you take it into the shop they're like i don't mean to offend you but you haven't been pouring pop all there's a lot of loogies in here this this car shouldn't be driving anyway this and i did i i bought all the girls the guy was like looking for a tape or something that i dropped on the floor and looked up and everybody was stopped at a toll and And I just took it into the wall. Oh, no! Not head on, but just where the sparks were shooting out of the side.

Just driving along. And then it was prom week, so everybody was going to Six Flags. All these cars are high school. Kids were driving by like, couldn't they ain't wrecked with all the chicks in his car? But it also meant we got to ride the six flags too wow and like was that your car or like was that that no that was my car i yeah so that one broke i got rear-ended in that same car and it totaled it oh no that wasn't my fault old flamey yeah old flamey old

flamey you know you go to community college a lot of new drivers around that place. A lot of accidents around a community college. Did you have a car in high school? No. But I remember when I was learning with my dad. It was mostly good, except this one time, the street I grew up on was really narrow. And there were like four cars all on the street at the same time. And I panicked.

And I was trying to get out of the way of one. And I got really close to the parked cars. Oh, yeah. And clipped mirrors. Oh, yeah. And the passenger mirror hit the driver mirror on a parked car. And I just remember it got so loud. Because my dad knew it was happening like

we're all screaming at the same time it's like one of those prize wheels just and then my dad and then we we looked and it was my I was in my mom's car and I hit my dad's car and it was the mirrors were fine they were the kinds that like yeah fold over. So much drama. I know. I'll never forget it. Do they still bring it up?

Hey Dave, easy on the right side. There's mirrors to worry about. Did you grow up in the city? Yeah, I grew up in Vancouver. I don't understand how kids learn to drive in a city. seemed nerve-wracking well it's not it's pretty i mean around here is yeah yeah yeah uh but yeah like going downtown i mean i'm still more scared of the highway than i am of the uh of like city streets because in calgary yeah they would take you like kind of

on your third lesson they would take you out on the highway and it was yeah uh deerfoot trail which is like this fast super super like not really there's a lot of cities in graham's hometown or a lot of streets that are called trail which makes it seem like it'll be dirt that sounds pleasant yeah yeah it's true like you're mosey onto it um but yeah you have to go so fast. And it's, I don't know, kids like, once you get a taste for it, you're like, oh, this car can do that? I want to do that all the time. I have no choice. I have to hammer this Chevy Cavalier.

That's when the gym teacher driving instructors would just, that's when the coach would come out of them. Yeah, blow the whistle. Like, you don't brake! You don't brake! Go! Go! Signal!

You accelerate on a merge! Go! You don't break. Go. Go. Signal. You accelerate on a merge. Go.

We're like, they're football coach mentality. Come on. I'm like, I have no idea. They're all just going so fast. Don't think. Do it.

This is horrifying. How could anybody do this with sports? Yeah. I could barely do this to get my driver's license. You're going to stay after school for this? Yeah. Do you think you could take it after a bad game of sports, have a coach come in and yell in your face? I don't know.

I could take it. I think I'd have to leave. I think I had that once. I played hockey and we just weren't trying. You got the fun in it. Yeah. My coach came in and he threw a water bottle against the wall and smashed it wow and uh like a plastic water yeah he smashed his own water i mean he like broke the lid on it but that's like why are you i'm not mad and i was the one playing yeah you're so pissed about

what did you have money on the game coach you should start betting against us we can guarantee you wouldn't have money we're children you know we're children right uh yeah i wouldn't uh like i remember going out for uh football i always want to call them football auditions so let me guess you were great at football. When do we get the costumes? But I remember seeing the coach yell at a kid in the very first round of tryouts, and I was like, ooh, if I was that kid, I would just keep running off the field right to where the bus is. Just go.

I did that. The only thing I was almost good at in sports was like volleyball. Like I enjoyed volleyball. And I just spiked on some kid in gym class, like some broed out dude. Fuck you, fucking pussy. I was like, oh, you need this. Like I am just glad I don't need this. All yours, buddy.

Yeah. I'll lob it over to you. There you go. Oh, you got me. Look at that spike. Good work over there. I'm going to go home and talk to my parents over dinner, but whatever's missing in your life, I hope this fulfills it. But yeah, did you ever get yelled at by a coach?

No, I never was on a sport. Oh, never? Not even volleyball? No, that was in on a sport. Oh, never? Never. Not even volleyball? No, no. That was in gym class. One thing my buddy was like, well, that's kind of fun. Maybe we'll go out for it. And then that happened. I'm like, ugh.

Yeah. Give my free time to this? No. I joined the volleyball team in junior high because there was a girl I really liked on it. You joined the girls' volleyball team? Yeah. I wore a wig, and I hoped like i hope that she would you know i've seen this share yeah she would share secrets with me and then slowly your coaches were uh uh

rodney dangerfield and jack a i'm detecting a ladybug reference i saw that in the theaters yeah so did i opening night. Thursday night at midnight. You guys sell advanced tickets? I've been camping out for this. My ladybug themed tent. Oh, man. Yeah, Rodney Danger, I guess. Was it Jack A? That sounds right, yeah.

That sounds right. It sounds like the type of movie I want to see. Who's going to play off old Rodney Dangerfield? Probably Jack A. Harry. Is she still around? She will respond to you on Twitter. Really? I said something about 227.

Well, she'll respond to you on Twitter. No, she just was happy. Somebody still was checking in. You're a star in the Twitterverse, right? There was a big thing, Salsa Gate. Oh, man. Was that? That was a dude. That was my friend Randy.

Yeah. Being a prankster. Now I can tell which other accounts he's got. He's got other ones? Which are just coincidentally all the bullshit that I follow on Twitter. Like, oh, Pace. Oh, Steakums. Oh, he's Steakums? I think he's Steakums.

So what happened? You tell the story. It happened to you. All right. Kyle, if you don't mind, what happened? Graham, film it. You be my publicist. Film it.

Does your publicistist by the way right picante sauce press releases That's my big breakout moment for immediate release yeah hot is Calcanean and hot and chunky water No, I just texted or tweeted because their campaign, they're like, get a rope. Right. And I just called them mildly homophobic. You know? New York City.

Like, it was almost like they were like, homos eat this salsa. Like, that was just the vibe. And it was from, like, months ago. And I woke up on a Sunday morning. Do they still have those commercials that are like i think that i think some version are we just mad at commercials yeah they just exist in our in our memory but then like it got a favorite months later and i was like this is funny so i just started tweeting stuff at them and they would just favorite it every time and it would even it was terrible stuff tweeting pace yeah and so even if it was terrible stuff they're just tweeting it and then then somebody was on the account like um we're

having technical difficulties please and i was like oh this is fun and i was i was keeping it playful but then i was getting direct messages from them and it just all sunday i was laying around like this is a good time and it blew up people started jumping on it and it turned out as my friend randy who's like he's such a masterful prankster he's like i just wanted to get accounts and like he would have it for a couple years and he'd have eventually 3 000 people following it just because oh pace i like it yeah and then he's like i always thought it was funny just to put something kind of weird out once in a while. Not blow the cover, but just kind of just basically he would cast a very wide net and just sit on it. And I swam right into the net.

I wonder if he's – I hope that it's not – And it was entertainment for all. I hope he doesn't own the Tombstone Pizza one because I'm really – That you're following? Yeah, I'm really fond of the Tombstone Pizza one because they just try. They try. They try. They try. Past guest on the show, Cam Reed.

I believe he was running the Doritos Ontario. That's right, he was. I don't remember exactly what. But it got some news just for like. Just for being a fake account? Yeah. Yeah. That's a high time for pranks, I tell you.

Well, that might. Is it a prank? Or is like at this point, I mean, it can be art. Oh, yeah. You may be crazy, but you might also be brilliant. Yeah. I was just upset I had to share the attention for it with another comedian. That's what I realized.

I was like, why am I upset that I got pranked? I'm like, no, it was really well done. I'm like, oh, I just don't get to take all the comedic credit yeah yeah he was serving things up in there that were too perfect that i was just taking him but he's he made he did a prank he he made a bunch of cookies that look like iphones oh yeah and so you like you can't drive and talk on your phone oh really so he was just driving he got a ticket for it right i think the whole thing i don't believe anything oh yeah that's true that's what i'm set i'm tainted now and i have to look at everything with so he's driving around with with uh fake iphone cookies yeah and so a cop

pulled him over like it's just a cookie and you take a bite out of it take a bite yeah but then the story goes that the cop was not impressed with that right oh you got all these unpaid parking yeah yeah i don't buy it for parking yeah yeah yeah i don't buy for chicanery yeah i don't buy it i think he needed just a way to end in the prank yeah well give him something there's no yeah exactly he's andy kaufman himself right you can't trust anything officer we're both trying to take a bite out of crime chomp um dave what's going on with you oh boy um well uh a couple things uh tonight i'm uh in this rap battle show and the character i've chosen is a spider yeah and i've been looking for like a super cheap kind of spider costume and i was like oh i was in a costume shop today and i was

like ah they have like there were these like cat tails like sexy cat tails and i was like, oh, I was in a costume shop today. And I was like, ah, they have like, there were these like cat tails, like sexy cat tails. And I was like, oh, I could turn those into spider legs, but they're like $8 each. Sure. And then. That's expensive. You have to bring back the character for that. Yeah. Yeah.

And then I was like, oh, you know what I can do is I'll just buy a package. It's also a party supply store. I'll buy a package of these animal balloon. What do you call it? Balloon animal. Balloon animal balloons. And it's like a hundred pack for like five bucks. Yeah.

Oh, and you just have those as legs. Blow those up and have them as legs. Got them home. They're impossible to blow up. They're so hard to blow up. I went on. I went on. You gotta stretch them as legs. Got them home. They're impossible to blow up. They're so hard to blow up. I went on... I went on... You gotta stretch them.

You gotta do that stretch. Every time you see them do a stretch... I went on YouTube and looked up tricks for blowing up these balloons. And the first video was like, well, the first trick is just blow really hard. So were you able to blow one up? No. At the break. Well, I'll give it a tutorial.

But my glands at the back of my face hurt now. It's like I was hearing snapping and crackling in my ears when I was blowing. Oh, that's because somebody spilled Krispies on your head. Just Krispies? Yeah. Any type of crispies. Yeah. Are you going to tie them

with a string so they're all attached? I was going to staple them to my shirt. I bought a fake, just a black shirt. Oh, okay. It's in the laundry right now

because I got it from a value village. You can do the string from the wrist so they all move. Oh, under my arms. Yeah. Oh, that'd be cool.

That is pretty cool oh we got we got to get the first things first we got to figure out how to blow up these goddamn balloons i have a feeling i'm going out and i'm just buying the bank i'm gonna go to a different costume shop and see what they've got what do you got cattails wise yeah what do you have in like uh uh some giant pipe cleaner now can i ask uh because it's today's Saturday, you were there early. What's it like in a party supply slash costume store early in the morning? I don't like... Also in February. Yeah, yeah.

Not many costumes needed. Yeah. We're releasing this, I think, on March 3rd-ish. But, yeah, we're recording it on the 22nd of February. And already, like, the only stuff in the party section is St. Patrick's Day stuff. Sure. Yeah. What do they do between...

It kind of goes Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day. Easter? And then there's nothing. You could do like a Canada Day. Canada Day. Summertime. A lot of party supply, picnics, napkins. Right.

Oh, yeah. When's Canada Day? Red Solo Cup. July 1st. Okay, so that's your fireworks and rah-rah. And then... But then nothing. No Labor Day.

Yeah, your back-to-school party supplies. Yeah, your back-to-school costume. You don't blow out arbor day up here canadian thanksgiving what is arbor day what is that in celebration trees trees oh nice you tie yellow ribbons around them oh very good thank you say thanks trees thanks trees not thanks troops good looking um and then uh yeah uh everything else just like same, same old disco pimp costume. Oh yeah. Baby costumes.

Uh, uh. Disco baby, pimp baby. Baby pimp costumes. The only like licensed stuff there was like, um, from a movie there was the, uh, uh, a sexy, uh, a woman from the movie The Dictator. The Sacha Baron Cohen, is that what it was called? You're like a sexy guard, dictator guard. And I don't like talking to customer service people, so I'm trying to hide the whole time I'm in there.

You could have just hid in plain sight with the right costume. Yeah. I wonder how much they like talking to people coming and looking for costumes yeah exactly i'm trying to put together this uh idea i had it's february yeah yeah and then you have to explain i gotta have a spider costume just assume that it's a weird sex thing i mean it's kim jong il if you played for the harlem globetrot. What can you do for me? Like, oh, God, I hate this job. And then, yeah, so it's a terrible place to be.

And also, Value Village, where I went also this morning. Terrible place to be at 9 a.m. on a Saturday. Yeah, it's an afternoon experience. Because it's people who need clothes. Yeah, a saturday yeah it's not it's a it's an afternoon uh because it's people who need clothes yeah a lot of nudes a lot of nudes partially nudes it's good so there's there's like usually you know three kinds of people who go to value village it's people who are looking for you know a cool vintage thing yeah there's people who are looking for a dumb costume yeah and there's people who legitimately need cheap clothing.

Yeah. I'm guessing this is a thrift store. Yeah. Value Village? Is that not an American? I thought it was a chain. Yeah. Maybe it's only in Canada.

We had Value City. Oh, bigger than a village. You know, more furniture instead of clothing. Yeah, there's no furniture really i guess i think there might be i don't know there's a there's a second floor i don't go to yeah that's true nobody ever has nobody goes up there uh but anyway the other thing that has been going on with on with me well it was just it was a brief experience i had the other day i went out to lunch, and I just got something to go, and I had my bag of food, bag of sushi, and I was...

Sushi in a bag. Yeah, sushi, just in a sandwich bag. Just pile it in there. I'll put it together at home, just in order. I wouldn't mind just eating sushi parts. Like, just give me a thing of rice, some deep-fried shrimp. Maybe that'll become, like, a thing of rice some uh deep fried shrimp maybe that'll become like a thing like the sushi bowl and you just uh order it's just like a bunch of sushi just all thrown in

the bowl and you just eat it with a i feel like i feel like the assembly is the only thing keeping it in the public eye the only reason is the aesthetic tiny bullseyes of each piece yeah yeah yeah even eating it at home doesn't look right to me. Like, this is supposed to be in a place. Yeah, you're like, this is shaped like a hot dog. This should be on a square. Yeah, this should be on a square plate. Yeah, I feel weird eating it out of styrofoam.

Yeah. So I'm walking across the street, and there's a pretty young lady walking towards me. Like that song. Pretty woman. Pretty young lady and as we're walking across the street i hear a horn honk and i look around and i realize that it's just a guy honking at the pretty lady oh he's giving her a cat call like or cat honk yeah like cat like i'm hey i'm a guy just just want you to know hey turn around shake that thing and it was he was driving like a 10 year old toyota echo like the cheapest car you can get good for him and uh but i wonder

what his end game is. Yeah. Well, so you know for sure he was honking at her. Yeah, because she looked around too. Hey, bag of soosh! Me and you, I think we'd get along. And then they kind of looked at each other, and then she looked

away and looked kind of embarrassed, and he kept looking at her, like, smiling. You're not embarrassed as you're letting on. he was like in his 20s but it's uh i don't get that move no neither do i i don't like what's like uh the best case scenario she's like oh i'm getting in your car yeah yeah and then what now you're you're one big move you can't do it again i gotta move gotta move all my burger king rappers i can't honk at you while you're in the car. That's my one move I know. But I appreciate anybody that just has the confidence

to be like, hey, how's it going? Yeah, that's true. And that's all you do with the honk. If she looked and smiled, then you'd be like, how are you? And maybe you never know. Yeah, there's like... I don't know. I feel like it must be hell to be a pretty lady. Yeah, probably. I mean, a special know. I feel like it must be hell to be a pretty lady. Yeah, probably.

I mean, a special kind of hell. Do you find yourself... I find myself being so like, straight white dude, predator of all living things. And so I'm the opposite of like, even just a pretty lady. Hello. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just look like an asshole, but because I'm like, you've had enough of this, haven't you'm like, uh, yeah, yeah. I just look like an asshole, but because I'm like, you're, you've had enough of this, haven't you? Just like, Ooh, Ooh,

hubba hubba. Like, so I do that if I'm trying to get on a girl and that doesn't work. I do this. I go, but when you're, when you, when you're just,

when you kind of ignore them, isn't that known as negging? But I, but if it was, if it was a psychological, did you, did you read the book? Oh, no. I saw the movie.

The movie? I'm joking. Oh, there's that TV show that I used to have to close caption. That was always like... You had to close caption it? Yeah. Like for a living? Yeah.

That was my last day job was close captioning. Really? We got some gold mines in there. Now, you're, how does it, are you doing it, you have to do it as you're watching it kind of thing? Yeah, but it's on a tape. How did you get that job? That sounds great. A lot of comedians worked there.

It was a good day job. Yeah. A lot of Matt Bronger got me the job there. Oh, really? And there was other comedians worked there. of Matt Bronger got me the job there. Oh, really? And his other comedians worked there. And it was just this weird hell of being in Hollywood

and seeing a bunch of disgruntled writers pay their bills by typing out things that terrible TV writers had. Like, oh, no, I've written several screenplays. Some of them have won awards. But anyway, I'm going to be typing

out what's being said on The Bachelor right now. Because that's what you morons want to watch. The deaf people just don't want my scripts. I've always felt like I was kind of doing something bad. Because maybe the deaf people would be like, oh, they're not distracted by horrible television if I don't do this. And they'd go out and do wonderful things. But now like oh, what's what's happening on? Real housewives of Beverly Hills a very big burden. You've placed on your side. Do that with most things. Oh, no It's its own form of narcissism

It's low self-esteem narcissism. Did you ever consider like just writing something else like, Deaf Revolution, November 22nd, meet in the town square. Like secret messages to the town? In Los Angeles town square. Meet at the old mission. Oh, wow. There was one guy, sometimes we do Girls Gone Wild and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Which just, ooh, oh, ooh.

I don't know if I should. At that point, the caption is just blocking their boobs. Well, that's what the one guy would do because you could move it anywhere on the screen. So he would move it so it just looked like a censorship bar over her nipples and be like, oh, I'm so hot right now. And he would also turn his monitor around. So it was like one of those open cube offices. We'd just turn around like, look what I did!

And we'd all laugh our asses off. Most of us would laugh. There were some prudes that would request that work on it. And also, yeah, some poor, like, aficionado, surely. They're like, come on, guys. It's not clever to do that. Let's respect the work. Let's respect the work.

We're not supposed to intrude on the form. You know what that means at all. to intrude on the form. You know what that means at all. I was watching the hockey game at my dentist yesterday in the ceiling for the Olympics.

Or at least you thought you were. There's a lot of gas. But they have closed captioning. It's always on at the dentist, but they have closed captioning for sports, which is like if you're deaf you just turn it off because you first of all they're doing it live so it's wrong and it's yeah yeah and it's 10 seconds late i just wonder if they think if they spell something funny do they think it's

funny they close captioning people what do you mean spell something funny well you know like if they instead of like birthday it says like blorth day do they go like but i think the people that send it enter the people that do it live are like court reporters yeah there's stenographers yeah yeah we would get stuff i mean we'd get like old videos of ultimate frisbee games like there's like college ultimate frisbee that they would only put on if a sporting event had a rain delay which was canceled yeah if there was a rain delay on the game they would slip these things in that need and just in case a deaf person who wanted to watch a major league baseball game it got rained, but they're still tuning in.

And what came on was Ultimate Frisbee, and they said, you know what? I'm still with it. I hope. I'm still going to do this. If I'm not allowed to enjoy this, I will be furious. And so you just have a day of trying. Like, you think you can find anything on the internet. Try to find college Ultimate Frisbee players

from 10 years ago, and you'll go nuts. You'll blow your brains out. Oh, yeah. I'd like to get a scholarship. Yeah. Oh. That's a really good Ultimate Frisbee school. Ultimate Frizz.

Yeah. Although baseball, I think, is like a good sport, would be a good sport to just read. It is. It's late. That's why you could listen to it on the radio. It's like, it's like it was a sport that was invented for cats originally. Yeah.

That's so lazy and fun. Like go run around and just stand out there. Yeah. And the announcers, they're just chatting the whole time. Like there's nothing to talk about for 99% of the game. I, yeah,

I know nothing really about, I like it because it's a lazy sports, like a summertime American. Let's get drunk. It's like a summertime American sport. Let's get drunk. It is kind of a drunk sport. Well, football always feels like real aggro. Like at some point, everybody's going to beat the shit out of me. LA is still kind of like that because there are a lot of gang members.

And no football team. Yeah, you don't just wear a hat. You just get the tattoo. You get the Dodgers tattoo on your face somewhere. But I did get to see Harry Carey almost fall out of the radio booth when I was a kid. Wow. That'll stick with me. How long does he do?

Just fall down the railing. Hey, everybody! Like, leaning over the railing. We're like, oh, shit. He's going to fall. It was controlled. He did that every game. He was like Cirque du Soleil.

He knew his act. Yeah. He knew his place. Ah, yeah. I don't know anything about baseball. You kind of followed it, didn't you? You know the stats? You know how a box score?

That's all I know. There you go. Full extent of everything. Yeah, I've watched Moneyball a thousand times. I'm in. I got it. So, yeah, that's what's going on with me. I've got to blow some balloons.

I can't wait. I'm not going to be able to do it. And then... They have a little... There's a thing that you can buy that, like... Yeah, but I don't want to buy a thing. No, yeah, you've already gone... You've gone above and beyond in this costume.

But I felt like I'm buying this thing of balloons. The guy's not making any small talk with me. He's not like, oh, do you make balloon animals? Do you know how to blow these up? And I can't return a thing with 98 balloons. How much was the bag of 100 balloons? Because people still love that song.

That's right. Yeah, it was like five or six bucks. I don't really know. I can't wait. This is going to be fun. I'm going to try once. Yeah, we're going to gillespie it up upstairs if you were a real scumbag

you would have just stolen six out of the package oh yeah yeah just left sorry just left them in there eight I mean I've got four limbs

right he's not playing a squid does a squid have six I've got four limbs already I can play those off yeah that's true yeah oh man

I can't wait to see this costume. Photos. Photos. Please, photos. We'll see. What's going on with you? Not too much. We had a big leak in my house.

And I called the landlord to fix it because that's what you do, right? Yeah. There's a leak. Was it from the ceiling or from a pipe it was from a pipe that was then going into the ceiling then dropping down into your mouth yeah exactly onto my head while i was trying to do something um anyways i ran out of steam there um but so i called the landlord and the landlord immediately tried to make excuses for why it wasn't a big deal. And I was like, look, this is as far as I'm concerned, this is a courtesy call.

I'm calling you about your property that you own. And there's a leak happening. He's like, it might be a condensation. I'm like, yeah, you're right. There's so much condensation. It's streaming from the roof. And so he came over and looked at it. And right away he was like, oh, this is so bad. It's so much condensation. It's streaming from the roof. And so he came over and looked at it. And right away he was like, oh, this is so bad.

It's so bad. And so then he was going to try and get a guy who wasn't necessarily a plumber, but kind of like a guy who does a lot of stuff. Like a pipe dentist. Yeah, exactly. A handy person. A handy person a handy person so he came over and he looked at it and he was like well this is going to be either it's like either it's going to be a pretty simple fix or this is going to we're going to have to take out everything we have to take out the sink

and like yeah yeah exactly that was my thing it was like well if that's the case then just we're going to just leave i gotta sit around during renovations but uh then they brought in a second guy so it just became now there's a whole squadron yeah uh downstairs fitters union i uh i pointed the new guy i was like that's where the leak is all they had done in the meantime was stuff rags into where the ceiling was. That was their temporary fix. Or probably permanent fix if I didn't keep calling them. Used to work on pirate ships. Yeah. It was very like, this is plan A, is your rag thing.

And so they were testing it. So there's one guy upstairs running the faucet and then another guy downstairs he was like well i don't see anything's nothing wrong here nothing's dripping i'm like they stuffed rags in there you gotta just just literally poke at that rag and see what happens so he does and that chunk of the ceiling like opens up and it is just dumps on him. Goosh! So, like a fish tank's worth just on this guy. This was one of the plumbers? A.K.A.

I think it's fine. Poke at the rat. Just poke at it. Oh, soaked. So then they left for the day. They were like, well, good. Good preliminary work everywhere. And then we weren't allowed to use, well, not allowed, but we couldn't use the dryer,

and we couldn't use the washing machine, because all the outlets were by where it was leaking. Oh, great. So then I had to go to the laundromat, which I swore my laundromat days were over. Oh, man. I'm still in those. Do you live close to one? Yeah. Yeah.

But it's bad, right? About a block. Yeah. I like to read a book. It forces like an hour and a half of downtime on you. You know what it does to me? I just sit there watching my laundry because I'm afraid somebody's going to come in and steal my pants. I only have so many pairs of pants.

Three. Plus the ones you're wearing or do you take them off? Yeah, I go to the laundromat and take them off. Throw them in just for a quick dry, just for a quick fluff. Yeah, I just ask her, give me one of the complimentary house coats that you have here at the laundromat. Has a laundromat come up with the idea of serving drinks? I know of bar laundromats. I was thinking a spa, since you're going to be in a robe the whole time.

Oh, right. Yeah, sure. See, that sounds all right. Nanny petties. Nanny petties. Deany petties. Have you seen, there are spas you go to. I've seen them before.

I haven't gone to them, where you put your feet in a fish tank and the fish eat your butt. I've done that. You've done it? I've done that. I did it in Korea, and it's amazing. Amazingly gross. My dad sent me an article about all the diseases, but come on. How could this go wrong?

It's a little tiny fish. Their mouths are cleaner than ours at any point to the fish look at you and go it's a living it is the most flint stony thing we have just grown men just like babies being tickled it is a delight seeing people have never done it before put their feet in just going just the toughest toughest guy. How long is a session? I think we got like, I think we went maybe 20 minutes. Really?

And happy ending? Till they're full. Yeah, yeah. You can do whatever you want to those. They're fish. They're fine. Till they're full. Oh yeah.

Do they just stop at a point? They just nibble on your, nibble on your feet. They're just little tight. It's just tickles. It's just so many tickles. And do you, afterwards,

do your feet feel different? It's not really. Are you feeling eaten by fish? Not really tickles it's just so many tickles and do you afterwards do your feet feel different it's not really eaten by fish not really and it's also it was like a coffee shop

so you're still looking at a bunch of people just sitting there having coffee gross you have to see people drinking

coffee it's gonna ruin your experience I have a large latte and just my left foot do they have that here is that I don't I haven't seen it here I saw it when I was in I will have a large latte and just my left foot. Do they have that here?

Is that what? I haven't seen it here. I saw it when I was in Copenhagen. I saw it in Scotland. I thought it was. I'm sure they have it here. It was called Dr. Fish. Really? Who's the doctor?

The fish. Yeah. Sounds like a jam band. Dr. Fish, I've been stabbed. I guess it sounds like fish. Cool reference. So many little stethoscopes they don't have ears right what are they listening for so anyways they fixed the pipe eventually but so it wasn't a giant giant fix no well they just got some pretty strong rags they got a sham wow but it was it was like uh it was the kind of fix when i look at it like i could have i could have

done it right like it's it's they didn't use any expertise they just made up replace this one piece yeah they did well they made a whole new drainage pipe thing. Don't you dare close your eyes. So, anyways, they're great, these guys. If you need any help around the house... Nothing beats a handyman. I think you just have to, like the A-Team, you just have to find them.

Yeah, outside Home Depot. Yeah, they don't have... I was going to say it was more like Karate Kid, where he only knows how to teach you karate. I mean, he also knows how to teach you to wax a car. Yeah, yeah. You know, that type of handyman that waxes your car. Well, my toilet has been backed up for weeks, yes.

But the car is so nice. has been backed up for weeks yes but the car is so nice but yeah anyway so i'm sure this is uh this is not the only fix we'll see from this uh this squadron oh yeah you think they're uh they're i think now they're on fixtures yeah they feel like they're gonna be they're gonna be protocol from now on just go straight to them yeah um but yeah the rags was the uh it was like oh it's never gonna work you guys uh but it worked for a couple days yeah and then uh started selling because they're they're rags accumulating water it's a mold factory well you know if i kind of run my own fish thing up there so enough water between the ceiling tiles that's a non-union job well done. Oh yeah, non-union, cash only.

Don't tell anybody you were here. Please lose my phone number when you're done. Yeah, they break their phone at the end of the job. They just use burners. They use burners like a wire. Oh lordy. Should we move on to a

bit of business? Yeah, let's. Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported by Warby Parker, a new concept in eyewear. Now, at Warby Parker, fashion-forward prescription glasses start at $95, including prescription lenses. Now, I'm wearing a pair right now. From Warby Parker. Yeah. They look great. Thank you. And they are

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I mean, we're not leaving you in the middle of the show. No, no, no. I mean, just in order of, you know, Water Buffalo order. The royal order. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Aren't we a couple of polite water buffalo um the 2014 max fun drive is uh is on its way uh it's gonna be uh the last two weeks of

march which are coming up in two weeks yeah it's we're out of the cruelest month we're into the the yeah is march the one that's lion lamb uh Yes, and also, you know, isn't Fat Tuesday? Yeah. Yeah, let's get fat. April showers, May flowers. Starting on March 17th, we'll be running some of our best shows of the year and offering spectacular thank you gifts to get you in the giving spirit. We'll have more information as these, well, during these shows.

There's some good stuff. Dave, Dave and I, have been privy to what the stuff is, and it looks like pretty good stuff. Pretty exciting. So if you're a donor, thank you very much. Yeah. We're probably going to ask you to bump it up, and then pump it up. Yeah, absolutely. Like so many jams. Pump it up. But if you're not a donor, we're

going to ask you to We're going to ask you to reconsider you to consider your position on not being a donor. So the MaxFunDrive starts March 17th and runs just two weeks. Listen up. Sign up. Suck it up. Yeah. Do you want to move on to Overheard?

Oh, I would love that. Hi, my name is Rishi Kesh here way. And I have a podcast called song explorer. In each episode, a musician takes apart one of their songs and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was made. You get an inside look into the creative and technical process and a unique view of a song by hearing just the drums or just the guitars or say just a Wurlitzer piano. If you're a fan of music, if you make music, or if you just like to learn how things are made,

come check it out on MaximumFun.org. Thanks. I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the new host of International Waters, the transatlantic comedy show where land laws do not apply. I am here with one of our writers, Sarah Morgan, from the UK. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Dave. How are you doing?

I didn't understand a word you just said. Could you explain International Waters and how it works? It's a transatlantic panel game. We have teams based in the UK and in LA, and basically people try to be funnier more than they try to know things. I caught about half of that. Comedians on this show have included Josie Long, John Finnemore, Greg Proops, Paul F. Tompkins, Claudio D'Ortie, and Dana Gould. What a lineup. Indeed.

I hope you enjoy it in America, and I will say more British things if you'd like me to. Pip pip. You already sound like an elderly wizard, and I love it. Find International Waters on MaximumFun.org or subscribe in iTunes. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on International Waters on MaximumFun.org or subscribe in iTunes. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on International Waters. Overheard. Overheards is a segment that you're listening to right now. And imagine if you were on the bus and I was talking like this and then you want to talk to your friend and tell them what was going on.

That would be an overheard. And we usually start with the guest. But our guests, oh, yeah, we're going to start with the guest. I do remember one. Beautiful. It wasn't so much as an overheard as a car service driver talking to me. I like it. Does that count?

Is this a guy? When you say a car service that means like somebody's driving the car and you're sitting in the back yeah yeah it was like it was like nicer than a taxi but not quite a limo no but someone else was paying for it like somebody else yeah yeah yeah a little bit of treatment in the world and it was just it was like he was being very polite about stuff like yeah i would do do work with children and this and that. As a driver? Yeah, he was saying like he volunteers.

But then a young lady got in the car with me. That's right. Somewhere. But then like he got real ungentlemanly once the lady was in the car. And it's like he's in a suit and it's a nice, and I was like, yeah, man, my wife got that early menopause. So she's just,

you know, nothing's happening. And then the girl is like, well, just get hit or something. She's like,

nah, she's just, she's dry everywhere. The medicine, she's just dry all over the place. And then he said, but then the best part is that he just ends with a step. He just goes, man, it's hard being a human being.

And that delighted me so much because I'm like, what else were you to compare this to compare being a human being? Earth girls are hard. Earth girls are hard. Earth girls are dry. Oh, man. Poor guy. He just sounds like he's... I mean, poor both of them, right? Yeah, yeah.

I have this. It's a... Oral balance. Yeah, it's a lubricant for your mouth. Go on. It's for broadcasting. Oh. Yeah, it's a lubricant for your mouth. Go on. It's for broadcasting. Oh! It's for broadcasting.

When I used to host on CBC, the one note I got was like, your mouth smacks way too much. Do you have dry mouth or something? And I was like, I don't think so. And it's just the way I talk. And the microphone at CBC specifically picked up all the, like, smacks and licks. But I tried this stuff, which it's like a gel that you put in your mouth, put on your tongue, and it is... Is it zesty?

No, it has no flavor. Can we jump in on it? You just put it on your finger? Like, that's two or three years old. Oh. Let's see if there's an expiration on this. Oh, Mr. Reed's instructions over here. Yeah, he talked us out of blowing up those balloons.

Well, apparently I didn't talk anybody out of it, because you kept going. I kept going. We all tried to blow up some balloons. It specifically says on the package, do not try or use a pump yeah please use a pump yeah exclamation mark uh but yeah no it's just like this weird gel you put on and it it uh you swallow it in in like 30 seconds like it it just you know it did expire a year ago oh okay what is it called Contains natural bioactive enzymes to maintain a balanced oral environment. Make your jokes.

Yeah, balanced. I mean, ah, damn it. Being a human. Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine doesn't belong to me. It's like two or three Kevin Bacvin bacon's away yeah and it uh so like a footloose yeah it's fancy it's free um i as i mentioned i went to the dentist uh yesterday and i was watching the olympics in the uh in the overhead projector i just like you

raise the roof motion like you were just really enjoying the olympics i was just watching them olympics and i um i asked the dentist like is anyone does anyone watch anything else during the olympics and she's like no it's it's all on during the daytime so that's all anyone has been watching in the last two weeks and people have been getting so excited one of my uh patients was saying that she was in a uh so this is where the overheard so she overheard something anyway uh so this this woman was in a starbucks right after uh the canadian women won the gold medal in hockey and i guess everyone had uh been in their offices and then as soon as we won everyone left their offices and went to starbucks and it was super crowded and there was a guy looking for one percent milk and he was asking people have you seen the one percent milk is there one percent milk anywhere oh we just won the gold medal i'll

have cream screw my doctor's orders yeah he dies right there yeah it's because you're allergic to cream but we won it's all a bunch of people and gee fox masks would attack him i'm looking for the one percent milk and they're like take down the regime and look do you say gee fox yeah like he's french not how you pronounce it i thought it was guy hmm did i say it wrong who knows i mean i say i don't want to uh you know the the anonymous man i don't want mean, I don't want to. You know the anonymous mask. But I don't want to be that guy. But I've just never heard that. Yeah.

I don't want to be Mr. Correcto. Hey, start saying guy. I feel like I heard it pronounced once. Gee Fox? Gee Fox. I mean, it stands to reason. It's spelled Gee. Yeah.

Do we look it up? Am I saying that because the dude from fugazi pronounces his name gee oh maybe and i'm being real pretentious now i think fugazi had it right with the way they pronounce um uh apparently that women's um uh hockey game canada against the u., was the most streamed sporting event ever in the United States that wasn't a Super Bowl. Ah! Which I find

strange. Congratulations, ladies! Really? Well, ladies are doing it for themselves now, you see. Keep that in mind. Streaming. Yeah, 2014. Women's things can be streamed. They're things. Oh boy. Being a human being it's hard uh graham yeah you overheard

um now i see uh i go to 7-eleven and 7-eleven has expanded the kind of stuff they offer used to be just a one twizzlers now it's twizzlers and nibs. Used to have that one greasy hot dog tray. Yeah, greasy burgers and greasy fries. Yep. And now they've got taquitos and pizza and cookies. Any shape that fits on those rollers. Yeah. Anything that stinks.

That's right. Whatever makes a convenience store stink, we've got it. A convenience store stink. We got it. So there was a guy in front of me, and he was ordering a whole box of these little foldy-over things. I don't know what they're called. They look like tiny pizza pockets. Yeah. Regrettos.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was ordering Regrettos, a box of Regrettos. And the lady asked him how many, and he said, you know, like a dozen, but only eight. So he thinks like a dozen is slang for a box? Yeah. Give me the dozen treatment.

Yeah, make it feel like a dozen. Oh boy, only eight. Yeah. Who is he saving it for? For Mr. Manners. like a dozen boy only eight yeah well he's saving it for four for mr manners but yeah it's like uh i don't know where do you stop with those things one that's yeah have you ever seen somebody just pump the cheese into like a bag of fritos oh what no just open the bag of chips the nacho cheese pump a bunch in there and i don't know if you just have to pay for the chips. How do you eat that? With your hand? Or do you...

Chopsticks. At that point, do you really... Can I get a bag of sushi? Can I pump this cheese into my bag of sushi? I love a nice batch of cheesy sush, man. That's where to go. I feel like that's something Elvis would have eaten.

That would be a really funny... Can I get some wet sushi, where they melt the cheese over the top that's what they call it's a wet burrito when they melt the cheese on top of oh yeah a sushi empanada um dude that would be a funny gag gift to get somebody like a ziploc bag full of that nacho cheese and like put it in a box wrap it really nicely but that's what's inside i think i'm gonna use that for something okay i'm glad i don't have a birthday coming up uh um now we also uh have overheards that have been sent in by you the listener and uh if you want to send in an overheard that you've overheard or an overseen you've overseen

uh send it into spy at my maximum fun maximum fun at moccasin fun and uh this first one comes to us um this is from brooklyn uh this is is it from jz it's from js we're drinking their lager right now yeah and it's delish right yeah pretty good congratulations brooklyn lager so this is a brunch in brooklyn advertising there's two It's Brooklyn Lager right now. Yeah, and it's delish, right? Yeah, pretty good. Congratulations. Brooklyn Lager. So this is a brunch in Brooklyn. Free advertising. There's two gay gentlemen at the table next to me. First guy, out of nowhere, would you fuck Bill Nye?

Second guy, what? First guy, Bill Nye the Science Guy, would you fuck him? Second guy, no. I thought it was pronounced Bill Kne um would you absolutely yeah yeah um wait who which scientists would you have sex with oh dead or alive yeah does danica mckellar count oh yeah she's a scientist or a mathematician doesn't that's what i why i asked isn't just blossom cannon yeah i was gonna say my ambialic she uh got a degree she's a scientist yeah uh she's also on uh third rock from those she's on that side the three dudes she's on that side three dudes three rocks is it

four dudes uh four dudes four dudes of science what's it called big bang theory four dudes um i don't know. I'd probably, yeah. Let's see what a lot of the older world ones. Copernicus. Mary Curie. I would go for Pythagoras. I would go Magellan, because you get a cruise out of it, too.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, you have to think about the bonuses that you could possibly get. A lot of stargazing. Magellan probably wouldn't get all my jokes about these Dr. Scholl's insoles. Which scientist would? That's what I want to know. Oh, Dr. Scholl's.

Dr. Scholl's. Yeah, I'd definitely do it with Dr. Scholl's. I'd bang the shit out of Dr. Scholl. Oh, boy, I have a feeling he's got a fetish. He likes Quentin tarantino movie um now this uh this next one also in the filthy realm that one had that was a little sexual would you fuck bill nye yeah that was filthy well not filthy but i mean he would do it filthy he's a filthy you can yeah you? Yeah. Yeah. Nye.

He's like the button down on the outside, but on the inside. Yeah. He's a cuckoo. Sure. Okay, fine. This next one comes from Barry D. And this is a colleague and an apprentice. We've recently got an apprentice working in our IT support team. He's a goldmine of weird and awkward utterances.

He was talking to a colleague about how he was meeting up with a girl after work. Colleague, who's Sarah? Apprentice, oh, she's my friend. Very blonde. Colleague, okay then. Apprentice, I've known her since I was young, so I see her as my sister. Well, I did, but i don't now because i want to bang her and uh this is this led into a recounting of his teen years where

the apprentice said i never used to give myself a hand job calling i think it's called masturbation apprentice well i wanted to be less crude. Street slang. Yeah. Our hand job is very sophisticated. This guy works in IT, you don't say. This clumsy fellow. Yeah.

Oh, boy. This one. This one isn't. This last one is. I plumbed the depths, and now I'm back up. Oh, okay, good. This one, this is all clean. This is Aaron C. from Fort Worth, Texas. You ever played there?

Not Fort Worth, no. Have you played in the air or sea? Have you played at sea? Oh, you gotta. Yeah, have you ever done comedy on a boat? I have. I'm supposed to. Yeah?

Soon. Perhaps, I think it's a maximum fun. Oh, you're going on the boat party. I think so. Nice. I don't know if I think it's a maximum fun Oh you're going on the Boat party I don't know if I can say that yet Well you did So Spoiler

This is Walking by a middle aged guy at work As he was talking to another co-worker And all I hear is I don't care what that motherfucker said every guy's got leg hair so oh yeah that was some guy who did a real nice wax job was trying to convince people otherwise well i mean uh i thought you were gonna show us swimmers oh i do have leg hair but um you can you lose it like aren't there

hey it's a use it or lose it situation. If you have a lifetime of wearing synthetic socks, don't you lose the hair under those socks? Really? Is that what... I have the point where my leg... My dad's got two where you cross your legs like this. Oh. In the front of the shins bald right there.

On both legs? I don't know. Let's look. Let's all look at our legs. Yeah, let's. Yeah. Put the microphone up to your shins. The inside of my calf, it doesn't have any hair on it. Let's all look at our minds. Yeah, let's. Put the microphone up to your shit.

The inside of my calf, it doesn't have any hair on it. On the left? Not so much on the right. The outside, not the inside, because you don't cross them there, but the outside, yeah. Because of where you cross your... weird. Weird and wild stuff, man. I don't know, that's him saying. Yeah.

That's your dad's science. You just believe your dad on rare things. Do you notice that you have adopted was saying that's your dad you just believe your dad do you do you have do you notice that you have adopted the same posture as your dad uh what sitting or standing well i have a few like just like of like mannerisms and i'm like oh i used to make fun of my dad for this but i do it all the time now what what he did when he does this thing with like a not quite a fist but like uh, but punching your knee. Really? Is it when you're tense? It's sort of when you're laughing.

Oh, like a real kneel slapper. Wow. Wow. It's not behavior. It's like the only macho. My dad's not a macho guy. Not that he's a wimp or anything, but he's like a bookworm type of dude.

But the only macho thing he's ever said to me was I was like drinking coffee and putting cream and sugar in it. And he just goes, why don't you put a skirt on it? I've drank black coffee ever since that day. I'm like, this guy's not even like a tough guy where I'd be like, oh, macho dude. No, this is the one thing he's going to take a stance on. Why? My weirdo kid. My weirdo kid.

He's talking at the office. So he's just pouring the cream. And we haven't even won a gold medal. Well, you've met my dad. He was on the live podcast. Was there anything that you noticed that... I don't know that I've picked up. I not sure i don't know him privately like right that's true um but it's you know you guys you don't look i mean he cuts his hair yeah that's true

and shaves his face yeah he's very neat he's a very neat young man. And, like, exercises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're very different. You weren't birthed from the woods. I like to tell everybody I was. But, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if there's... I haven't noticed any. You would know better than I would. Yeah.

But, you know, I've met people's parents or siblings, and within ten seconds, you're like, oh, man, you really really are each like you are so so related and then there's sometimes that doesn't i think it's harder for you to notice than it is other people or like um if you ever were at home as an adult and you answer the phone and the person calling for your dad is like uh hello hello? They can't tell you apart? We do, yeah, we have the same voices because we used to have that in the house with the phone calls, but

yeah, I don't know. No. Have you picked up something? Did you say it already? Going bald on your shoes? And I'll say, like, I'll say Christ I'll say Christ as an exclamation, like, ah, Christ. Which is like, that's the one that my dad would use. Christ.

That's some good bonding. Yeah. Over our dads. Yeah. Hey, we all love our dads. Yeah. Good dad chat. They're all right, guys.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham. It's Colin, just in Vancouver. And I've gotten overheard. I live just in the West End, right near the nightclub Celebrities, and I was walking past it. And I heard a girl say to her friends, it's okay, I threw up all the drugs. And also, this was on a Tuesday night.

Yeah, well, that's what you're supposed to do, right? If you swallow a poison or a drug? Not if you're smuggling them. Oh, that's true. Yeah, like, I don't know, that's kind of the best case scenario, isn't it? I mean, unless you probably paid for them. It's okay. You threw up all the drugs.

Unless you smoked them, you can't. Or snorted them. If you snort drugs, do they go into your lungs or do they go into your tummy? You should ask a drug dealer. Which one of these goes into my tummy? I do tummy drugs, not lung drugs. I mean, I like to party, but you know. Tummy drugs.

I guess it's pills. Yeah. Shroomers. Shroomers. Shroomies. Shroomstons. Yeah, or if you ate one pot. Yeah, if you cooked a pot.

Yeah, cooked a pot. Yeah, if you cooked a spleef. Just frying up doobs. On the last episode, Graham and I, we're not drugsmen, but we came up with our perfect doobies. Yeah, Dave's was. Full of cookie dough and no drugs. So as you smoke it, it cooks. And no drugs.

So as you cook it, or as you smoke it, it cooks. Mine was a car that was shaped like a doobie, and the smoke that came out the back smelled like marijuana. So what's your ideal doobie? So you just came up with cookie dough. Yeah. But in a doobie. In a weird wrapper that would be long. Well, the wrapper was made of nuts. And you came up with the plot from up and smoke which is a car made out of marijuana that caught fire and people got high

i said that's probably what it was yeah yeah i was like yeah it sounds like it's a joke so what's your ideal doobie probably just have pot in it good old fashion real mean potatoes type of stuff that's right this guy's a real hop head yeah he's really uh he he threw up all of his doobies i i my ideal one would just not make me terrified of human interaction at the end of it. Ah, yeah. Nice, mellow feelings. None of the paranoia. Yeah, none of that, like, oh, please don't communicate with me. Or at me or around me. Yeah.

I'm a real social drug user in that I don't want to be talked to anyway. Yeah. Here's your next phone call. Dave, Graham, luminous guest. This is Luke in Seattle calling with an overheard. I was on the bus and there was like a 65 year old man who was just

sort of discontentedly yelling to the universe. He wasn't really talking to anyone in particular, but he just kept yelling about it. I think he said he was from Greece. And he kept saying, no more in this country. I go back he kept saying uh no more in this country i go back to my country no more in this country and uh everyone was just sort of politely ignoring him for 10 minutes he yelled about how he was sick of this country and how he was going

to go back home and uh and then he stood up and slowly walked walked to the front to get off at his stop. And as he was walking over to the front, he just sort of shouted out to no one in particular, No more in this country. No more Obama. No like Obama. Personally. Personally. He's fine with his policies, but personally.

I don't like how he pardoned that turkey. Yeah, this was... Where did this take place? Okay, all right. Some old... Greek dude? Yeah. Opa.

Is that what you say? Yeah, I think so. Smash the dish. Yeah. Much fun to be crazy in another country. Yeah. Seems scary. Well, does that maybe make your madness?

Depends on the country. More delightful? Like, if you're crazy in, like, a real... In love. Yeah. But if you're in, like, a scary country, like a former former soviet union country oh yeah i don't want to be crazy in estonia yeah they just beat you haphazardly regardless uh like what if you're in estonia

yeah all i know of that country was from encino man oh yeah that's where linkovic chumovsky is from oh wow you knew the whole name of course that would be your crazy person name and see if anybody got it there should be a website where you go and find out your crazy person name and it's always linkovic chumovsky so when they give him that name in the movie do they do it all slow style like his name is Link the bitch yeah I think Estonia came out of Pauly Shore being there and that he's from the Stone Age and he's the missing link wasn't and wasn't Pauly Shore's name Stoney oh yeah yeah yeah he wheezed like you wheezed in that movie? I was going to ask.

It's funny. I was going to ask, what did he do to the juice in that movie? He wheezed our hearts. He wheezed our hearts. Yeah, that was what the critics said. He'll wheeze his way into your heart. And finally, your final overheard of 2014. Hi, Dave and Graham.

This is Jennifer. Oh, and probable guests, this is Jennifer from the Bay Area. I am currently in Las Vegas, Nevada for a veterinary conference. And at the same time as the veterinary conference, there is also this fashion conference. And so at the end of the day, you have all of these veterinary people walking out, and you have all of these fashion people walking out. And I overheard one of the fashion people saying to another fashion person, wow, I should just be a vet, because then obviously you don't have to care about what you look like.

It was pretty good. Thanks. Bye. Harsh. Harsh. And everybody's mellowing. I want to know how veterinarians cut loose in Vegas. Oh, it gets weird, man.

They smoke pot out of a cat's butt. Oh, yeah. What do they bring? Do they bring their, you know? Oh, horse tranquilizers and such? They've got the best truck. I milked this out of a hundred year old tortoise what does it do i don't even know man but guatemalans kill each other for this stuff

i uh the last time we went to the vet they were like okay well we're gonna need to do a urine sample on the dog and i was like oh okay so I will LP on the dog I assumed we would have to go home and then come back with like a vial full of urine yeah they maybe give you the thing but no they're like okay we'll just follow you outside and as soon as he starts to pee we'll collect it with this thing Wow so it was it was like it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Was it like an extension or did you just have to get under there with a cup? It was a woman with a sort of kidney-shaped bowl, like a dog bedpan.

And it just stuck it under? Yeah, a stainless steel bowl stuck it under as soon as he lifted his leg. And he kept going and she was like, no, that's all I need. Yeah. He's like, no, I've got more to give. I wonder there's like a hierarchy to veterinarians oh yeah that's because then you got then you got your zoologist coming in like oh what would you would you neuter another cat well that's great good for you riding in on a giraffe yeah bob barker's, you keep neutering that cat. That same cat over and over. This was in Las Vegas, they said.

Reminded me of my friend who was very not keen to go to Las Vegas with his girlfriend. She wanted to go to Las Vegas so bad. So they got tickets and they went and they checked into the hotel. And it was the exact same weekend as a huge clown conference. So clowns from all over America they checked into the hotel and it was the exact same weekend as a huge clown conference so clowns from all over america were staying in the hotel he was like oh it's just it was much worse than i could have imagined it was as bad as i imagined plus clowns everywhere i was there i was there last week and i had like because it's all if you go with your friends that don't carry they're like let's just go laugh at this stuff. It's the best, it's the best people watching in the world. All right, I'll go do that.

Do you, uh, do you play gigs when you're in Vegas? No, I don't want to entertain those people. I play gigs. Like there's a comedy scene there. They actually have like,

like it's this weird dive bar next to what you can do. There's a construction site with like very heavy back, like industrial size backhoes that you could just pay money and drive flip cars over really yeah and behind that there's a bar that i've played and called boomer called boomers and it's been great oh wow but i won't like not like a casino where people are walking like we're doing we're taking in vegas we're taking in a show and yeah your money baby it's just with their flip-flops on the stage get out of here we want rudner just go just go throw up at margaritaville like you're supposed to we want rudner she gets us um well that brings us to the end of the show.

Now, Kyle, you travel all over the place. If people want to see you, where are you going next, and where can they find you online? I think KyleKanane.com will take you somewhere. That sounds great. Just ask me on Twitter. Sure. I'll usually be like, yeah, I'll be there. Or like, nope, not.

I'm from the Pace Corporation. We want to take in your show. Steakums.com wants to know. Next door is sponsored by Steakums. Steakum or leave them. You know, that's what they say. That's not a thing. Can I ask a question about Steakums?

Yes. What are? Yeah. I've heard the name. They're. A snack? It's not. I don't know what sort of beef.

I think they're just there to finally make green peppers shine. Like, they're finally there. You know what? Green peppers and onions don't get their day. We'll take a back seat with our consistent texture and flavor. Are they? Like, do you eat them out of a bag? Or do you take them and cook them? No, no, they're processed meat. Are they? Like, do you eat them out of a bag? Or do you take them and cook them? No, no, they're processed meat

pages. It's like a page of meat. Are they a uniform shape? Yeah. Okay. So they're not like jerky? No, it's like a page of meat you'd put in a skillet. In a notebook. And it would just change color to tell you when it's done. It's bright orange. You have to cook it?

Pink to brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I thought steaks were like wet jerky. That's kind of what I thought. I was just imagining snozzages. Those look so delicious. It's probably very close. Yeah. Have you ever just eaten dog food?

No. Or cat food? No. Yeah. I've tried it. Yeah, me too. Gross. Who would have thought that out of the three of us,

I'd be asking, yeah, yeah, I nibbled on some of that The cat food was on a dare The dog food was out of just pure curiosity It looks exactly like If you've had those little turkey Slim Jim bites That's just what this dog food looked like So aesthetically, I was like It probably tastes the same

Nope, not even close I've eaten tuna You've drank milk I've laughed milk out of a saucepan. Yeah, that's true. Have you had a boot drop? When I worked for a Japanese businessman. There's something I would like to plug.

I would like you to plug. A friend of mine, Simon, is putting on the Simpsons Trivia Night. Oh, sounds so much fun. It's like pub trivia, but it's all about the first nine seasons of The Simpsons. Awesome. And it'll be on March 10th in Vancouver at a place called SD Galleria, which is a sushi place, a sushi bag, at 4316 Main Street, 7 p.m. March uh that's that oh that sounds fun i'm i'm gonna go i think i'll go as well i'll see you there all right we can be on a team together yeah we'll

crush um uh and yeah every week on the monday we'll call our team the pin pals oh you can't go if you have it it's on monday oh Yeah, that's right. Every Monday at the Laugh Gallery. Not doing awesome Simpsons trivia. What was their motorcycle gang called? The Hell Satans. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. Nice. We need to be on a team together.

Who did the voice of the actual Hell Satans from Bakersfield? Was it John Goodman? Yes. These are questions. These are all from one episode. Have you only seen the one episode? I know. If it's about one episode, I got it. These are questions. These are all from one episode. Have you only seen the one episode? If it's about one episode, I got it. Oh, man. Yeah, it's

fun, even just thinking up trivia. What color is everyone's skin? I wonder if you figured it out. If you like the show, you should check out all the other shows that are available at MaximumFun.org, and as well, while you're there, check out the blog recap

that Dave does each and every week. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this year's podcast. What did we talk? We talked at length about something, but I can't remember what it was. I'll put a picture of a key fox mask. Steakums, maybe? Those balloons?

Those please use a pump! Balloons? I hope this Those balloons? Those please use a pump! Exclamation point. Balloons. I hope the spider thing goes well. Yeah, we'll see. I'm excited to hear the results. Gotta find a pump.

And yeah, if you like the show, tell your friends. Go over to iTunes, leave us a review. Nice ones only. If you don't like the show, don't bother. Don't take time out of your busy day. And if you like it, tell your friends. Come on back next time for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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