Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 314 - Abby Shumka

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

Abby Shumka returns to talk costuming, Road House, Square One, and one other thing.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 314 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the second week in our Max Fun Drive episodes. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's checking out a thing or two on his little phone, Mr. Dave Schumke. Why did you say little phone? Because it's so tiny!

Yeah, it's the new Pixel phone. It's made of a pixel. It's by Adobe. Yeah, it's so tiny. The Adobe Pixel phone. Your phone's very light. I've held it in my hand. It's very light. Yeah, it's an iPhone.

Yeah, it's great. It's an Information Phone 5S. Yeah. The S stands for? Super duper. Super, super light. Is it C or S? Which one do I have? Soft. Anyway, it's gold. Cool. It's made of gold. Oh, nice. That's why it's so light. Is it C or S? Which one do I have? Soft.

Anyway, it's gold. Cool. It's made of gold. Oh, nice. That's why it's so light. So yeah, hey, if you're interested in donating to the show, why not head over to MaximumFun.org and click on Donate right now. Maybe we can have platinum phones.

Can you imagine? Yeah, that didn't play well for us. Yeah, I know. The phone was not well-timed But that's not what it's really about No, what it's about is it's a show And we have our guest One of our all-time favorite guests

Returning guest to the show She's hilarious She's her own person She is our guest She's Miss Abby Shumumka oh hi oh hi i was holding my laughs i'm gonna get a little bubble now we're hi hi hi welcome now graham you're a little sick yeah you've got a little that's been my thing for the last couple weeks oh it, it's like, you know, you know.

Yeah, you know, like. It's been your thing as in like. Like some people are into rockability. It's like an affectation. Yeah, yeah. I've been like, oh, I'm sick. Having allergies and a cold and asthma. I was going to say, allergies acting up in the springtime.

And so I've been like, hey, I can stay inside oh he's mysterious yeah yeah what's his thing oh he's reaching for kleenex yeah hmm dehumidifier and humidifier yeah it's a telling of balance in his chest um well let's get to know us. Get to know us. Abby. Abby. When was the last time you were on? About six months ago, a little more.

That was a little bit more. Yeah. Since the new microphones purchased with the help of our donors. See, that's how you do it. Dave, well done. They're great microphones. They smelled brand new the last time I was on. They smelled like new shoes.

What do they smell like now? The past 40 guests? They shouldn't smell like shoes at all. Do they just smell like microphones? They smell like nothing now. All right. Which is good. But they smelled like when you open up a brand new pair of sneakers or something, and it just smelled good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some fresh kicks. Some fresh, fresh kicks. Yeah, like Kevin Federline. Closet full of kicks, garage full of whips. Some fresh kicks. Some fresh, fresh kicks. Yeah, like Kevin Federline. Closet full of kicks, garage full of whips. What?

Wait. Popo's out, Popo's out. What are you guys singing? We're singing two different Kevin Federline songs. Okay, you were singing he's got whips and shoes in his garage? Yeah. Kicks and whips. America's most hated.

Kicks or shoes, whips are? Cars. Cars. Ah, see, I thought he had kicks and then, right? Yeah. Kicks and whips. America's most hated. Kicks or shoes? Whips are? Cars. Ah, see, I thought he had kicks and then, right? Yeah. Something for the ladies. Kicks can also be for ladies. Yeah, women like kicks.

Yeah. And you were singing? Also Dick Whips. Dick Whips was my gym teacher. Yeah, from Mad Men. Dick Whipsman. And you were singing Popo Z zow i was singing my favorite popo zow your favorite kevin federline song yes what's popo zow popo zow was the one that was

yeah it was a brazilian thing and it was popo zow popo zow and there was sort of like one of the first viral videos was kevin federline in the studio. Oh, yeah, jamming on it. He invited some press in to hear his music. Like cut, fresh cut. And he's sitting at a mixing console and just nodding his head obnoxiously. Super into it. Wow. And then everyone made fun of him and he said, yeah, no, that was a joke song.

I did it as a joke. Oh, yeah, it was totally a joke. He's crying the whole time he's saying it. It was a joke, you idiots. I don't care about Papa Zow. His dad's name's Zow. It's not about his dad. I know. Papa Zow.

It's a cat's cradle for a new generation. We needed our own. For the Ed Hardy generation. That's my generation. The generation's going to fix this goddamn plan. Is there still Ed Hardy stuff around? No, I don't think so. No, you can get it at thrift stores.

Great. Very sparkly. But it used to be shirts. You can probably still find the shirts, but can you now find... There was like Ed Hardy vodka. Ed Hardy..., Ed Hardy. Yeah, cologne and like cell phone covers and a bunch of stuff. I got in a cab like a week ago and there were guys getting out of the cab that were wearing Ed Hardy stuff.

And when I got in the cab, I was going to be like, whoa, those guys smell terrible. But it was the cab driver. Because it was super cologne, like crazy. And I was like, those guys really stunk up your cab. But it was this guy. Cologne. No, he was there the whole time. Colonial.

Colonial, yeah. So in the last six months, what's new? Tell us what's going on. Well, I got a new job. Oh, yeah. Which is is pretty great tell us all about this cool job i got it did you not have it last time you were here no i think i was technically air quotes unemployed right um aka working from home aka in my pajamas making four grilled nutella and banana sandwiches a day. Are those fluffernutters? No.

But kind of. No. There's no peanut butter in it. Or fluff. Or fluff. Oh, fluffernutters have, right. Sorry, go on. Anyway, I was living high on the hog. A real life of Riley.

I've since gotten a job doing some theatrical costuming. Yeah. Like theater and dance. And yeah, just all sewing. I've since gotten a job doing some theatrical costuming Yeah Like theater and dance And yeah, just Meaning It's all sewing, but it's just super great Which is, I love how That's how I want to spend my day

But like, what kind of theatrical costuming? I know these answers, I'm feeding you Well, because you were there You were working there during Christmas time Yeah, so we were very Nutcracker heavy Yeah, that's right So there was like one big performance. I went to a theater company, they do every year. My boss has been doing it for like 25 years.

Every year it's the same. Is your boss over it? Just like, ugh. She's been saying, apparently she's been saying every year for the last 10 years, this is going to be the last year. And then what? And then like, just keep doing it. Because we have all these costumes that are are only applicable for the Nutcracker.

Right, sure. Sugar Plum Fairies. Nutcracker men. Exactly. They're non-transferable. Snow White. Swan Lake. Yeah.

Snow White, Swan Lake. Oklahoma. Dave's very familiar with Nutcracker. Have you ever seen this place of work? No. Have you ever gone out and visited? No. No?

I'm not invited. It's awesome. You're invited. Yeah, Dave, you're invited. It's an open invitation. place of work no i've gone out and visited no no i'm not invited awesome yeah invited yeah dave you're invited it's open invitation you can come and try a nutcracker costume on uh any time of year except christmas because they're uh they're all out um but yeah it's a it's like a big studio she's like i said my boss has been doing this for like 30 years we have thousands of costumes and we're constantly making new ones. Crazy.

It's like a, literally the first day I walked in for my interview, I walk in the door and there's just a table with like a hundred wigs, just like thrown on the table. And they're like, pick a wig and we'll do the interview. Pick a wig, make a character.

And, and then just like, just shit everywhere. Like costumes, like there's an Indian headdress and a box full of boater hats and a giant bin that says mustaches. Graham's really into that one. How delightful. It was great.

And I'm looking around, like my eyes are as big as saucers, and I'm looking around everywhere, and I'm in love. And then I sit down with my then-future boss. She gives me a little quick interview i show her some of my work whatever whatever and then as i'm talking to her i'm just looking behind her at every like all this fabric and like all fun my my like brain is erasing yeah it is he's correct yay and uh and then like i go back like a couple weeks later and start the job and she goes are you like this is like are you okay like is this we'll go we'll do a couple weeks later and start the job, and she goes, are you okay? We'll do a couple days, and we'll see how it goes.

But if you're not into it, it's not for everybody. It's super high-paced, high-stress kind of. You make crazy shit. I have a garment background of just making normal clothes. I do not do any of that. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do not make any normal clothes at all what have you made a costume oh yeah what have you made what's your favorite oh what did i make

have you made any treks i've made some other true or false you've made treks well we we are doing a shrek what just the one not even a production of Shrek. Okay. That involves everybody. There are multiple local theater companies doing Shrek. There's like four people doing it. I guess Shrek just came up for... I don't know how it works. The rights came up for... I don't know. We're available and everybody jumped on it.

Wow. But yeah. Or we did a Beauty and the Beast, which was pretty fun. I got to make a Belle dress, which was as me, a 12-year-old girl. No, her day dress. Blue? She's Bloom. And as someone who is strongly identified with Belle as a young girl. Did you her daydress at the beginning is Bloom. And then someone

who is strongly identified with Belle as a young girl. Did you? Brown hair, brown eyes, loves books. Ah, yes.

Yeah, there's that. Okay. You were more of an Ariel. I was super excited. Yeah, red hair. Under the sea. Clam boobs.

Yeah, clam boobs. Little crab buddy. Hoarding thingamabobs. Brushing your hair with a fork not knowing the word for feet you know typical mermaid stuff

but yeah it's super fun like yeah I mean like technically it's very similar because I'm still sewing things and they're still being put on human bodies so like there's still two arm holes and two leg holes and a head hole have you ever had like a circus freak?

yeah come in with any forehead holes yeah we're doing a foreheaded trick So there's still two arm holes and two leg holes and a head hole. Have you ever had Circus Freak? No. Yeah, come in with any forehead holes. Yeah, we're doing a four-headed trick. No, but we did have to make, we were doing a Beatrix Potter performance. So it's like Peter Rabbit and there's a hedgehog and then squirrel and a duck. So we had to make all these. And they're all like little English countryside animals. They have like little country dresses and little jackets and waistcoats and stuff.

Has there ever been somebody who's come in and got costumes made and you're like, wait, you guys aren't doing a production. And you're like, no, I am. It's happening. Yeah, do you have to show like a card, like a license? No, as long as you pay a deposit and then pay for it wow uh shrek is uh that what what does he wear pants he wear a shirt yeah like a tattered sort of weird like a tunic and a vest or something yeah okay and then what is it then a donkey and a

gingerbread man oh we made a great Gingy. Gingy. Oh, it was so great. Oh, it was awesome. And it's the creator of Orange is the New Black. Yes. Gingy Cohen. I didn't know they were the same person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little known fact. You can't catch me. I created weeds. That sounds like so much fun. How many people work people work there oh it's like four or five five six of us maybe yeah for all these productions oh and then we do a whole bunch of dance costumes too like into like there's a whole bunch of dance cost dance schools in the in our part of the province and they will do like there's like a group of 15 girls all need crazy fucking spandex to go on star search yeah it's crazy that's amazing so like if you were uh say like a pro wrestler

oh this is absolutely you could come to us yeah absolutely because a lot of uh people out there uh that listen to the show are pro wrestlers or aspiring pro wrestlers. Yeah, they just don't know where to get the costume. So it's a lot of like- Contact the podcast. Tight and white-y. Yeah, it's a lot of just buying a shirt that's one size too small.

Yeah. Looking for Speedos. Yeah. Yeah. They're forever looking for Speedos. That's probably seeking Speedos. Is this as close to like, would you say like a dream job? Is that possible?

It's pretty great. I mean, I like making clothes like real clothes. Not gingerbread men or fantasy creatures. Yeah, and the same thing. It's like the way they're built too. Like they're built that if some like if there's an understudy that has to come in they have to be easily alterable ah so you have to sew them differently so they can be changed made bigger or smaller easily i see where and

then sometimes and sometimes the inside of the garment is just a big old mess like you don't have to worry about making the inside pretty but why do you ever have to worry about that because you never i never see the inside of anybody's garment do you never have to worry about that? Because you never, I never see the inside of anybody's garment, ever. Male, female, nobody. As Dave can attest, as someone who also

likes clothing, the inside, like if it's nicely finished, I mean, it's going to last a long time. And it feels nice on your legs.

Your weird legs. Yeah. So it just takes more time. And plus, it's going to be washed and worn a lot more like a piece of clothing has to they wear them for a two week

stretch and that's it and then tell the listeners what you told me before the show how you get the smell one of the tricks I've learned if something's a little funky spray it down with vodka and then get really funky and then you get funky go firewalking And if something's a little funky, spray it down with vodka. Yeah.

And then get really funky. And then you get funky. Go firewalking. Yeah. You can put it in your spritzer bottle, spray it down with vodka. Yeah. And it takes like musty or BO or like just any bad smells out of clothing. That's why the Russians smell so good. That's why the Russians smell so good.

Would that work with... I had never heard this before. Before just now. I've been keeping it a secret all this time. But would it work with your laundry? Would it save you... It's not like a long-term thing. Like I said, it's not something you could use for clothing you would wear once a week. Oh, okay.

Like these costumes are worn once a year. Yeah. For a couple weeks. And then they go wear once a week. Oh, okay. Yeah, like underwear. These costumes are worn once a year. I only wear underwear once a week. Yeah. For a couple weeks. And then they go live in a basement. Oh, yeah. Because we store them, too, and then just rent them out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh. This is like, in my head, it's pretty fantastical, this place you work at. It's like, literally, we kind of make dreams come true. And I'm not even exaggerating. I love it's it's it's like literally you we kind of make dreams come true and i'm not even exaggerating i love it i love it it's like those guys in the documentaries when they talk about the the guys who made them uh mechanical guys at disneyland okay they're called imagineers right

oh and uh which always was funny but there was this one guy in the documentary I watch, he's like, they tell us to call ourselves Imagineers, but when people ask me what I do, I say, I make dreams come true. I do that as long as it's Lycra. As long as your dreams exist in a... As long as they're petticoats and Lycra. Would you...

I've made so many goddamn petticoats. Graham asked if you... What is a petticoat? Like the underskirt that has a whole bunch of ruffles on it to make a skirt. It's got a junction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Graham asked if this was a dream job. Have you ever had a...

Job in a dream? Well, like... Yeah. You can never keep up with whatever the task is. But like a job interview where they're like and where do you see yourself in five years oh yeah um because i had an interview like that for an internship and well like what do you say because it's not like hey in five years uh uh none of this might be here anymore yeah that's not working for you

uh what did you say when they asked you at your internship? Well, it was an internship at a clothing line at their studio making samples and things. And I knew it was like a three-month engagement. And they said, where do you see yourself in five years? And I said, I would like to have my own. I would like to sell my own things. Yeah. And that was appropriate.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, it was a very easy to answer It was an easy answer job But I remember to this day, there was an episode of The Hills Where Stephanie Spencer's sister Went and got an interview with

Kelly Catron At Industrial Revolution People's Revolution Industrial Light and Revolution And on her resume, the objective was to acquire a position as intern assistant, normally, or whatever. She's like, to have my own purse line. And Kelly was like, mm-mm.

You know what a job is? But what are you supposed to say? Like, oh, I want to forever work under you. I never want to make as much money as you do. Yeah. You have, you have to put forth some sort of ambition within that industry or area. Like,

I don't think if you want to get a job in fashion and say, oh, I want to be an astronaut, you know, or whatever. Well, that's very, that's crazy.

We all want to be astronauts. Also, are there real people with real five-year plans that they're like, okay, well, I'm four days behind. Yeah, there's super like A-types. I think they got that. I don't know. But like, how can you know? Like, how can you know five years from now?

I don't know. But that's... And professionally, too. Like, all the aspects of your life that can kind of just do whatever. And if you're just starting out... Like, you never know what job you're going to get or when you're going to get fired. If you're just starting out, you don't know necessarily what job you're going to get or when you're going to get fired. If you're just starting out, you don't know necessarily what the next step is.

Yeah. I might fucking hate this. And, like, how long you'll be doing it. But there's, like, these, like, I was reading, it's, like, you know, one of those lists that goes around, like, the 10 things that people who are more successful than you are doing. Sure.

And I was like, oh, boy, everybody's more successful than me. But one of them is like, they know what they want. They do. They know what they want 10 years ahead of the game or whatever.

Like Barack Obama knew he wanted to be president probably. Years ago. But I knew Barack Obama wanted to be president before he did. So that would be

an easy question for you to field in a job interview. As long as it's about Barack Obama. Yeah. Like when he gave a speech uh like four years before he ran for president and everyone was like oh yeah he's gonna be a good presidential candidate in about 12 years and i was like no he's gonna he's ready now he wants to he wants

this now but there's those people exist though right oh absolutely like there's people who are like yeah i want this and uh like the guy in a house of cards he really he wanted a thing and he goes for it yeah sure no spoilers no no but he definitely or do i don't care um but but i feel like it's maybe not people who i like i don't feel like i'm being cut down by these people who are super ambitious i feel like they've chosen different fields yeah yeah i don't i don't i don't feel other than public broadcasting and podcasting yeah but it's true though like when somebody asks you that they do want you to say they're that's a leading question yeah they say where do you want to be in five years you you do you you can't say i want your job unless you say i would like to follow into your job when you get promoted yeah

you person i just met yeah yeah i want that could be completely incompetent and an asshole but i have no idea because i only just met you but like what was i was talking about it last night like if you went in for a job as like a dishwasher and they asked you where you wanted to be in five years and you could be like wait do you have to have that ability to have this job like that's important to this job or like pull a mcconaughey and say i want to be myself in 10 years oh thank i want to thank myself yeah future me i did i everyone was freaking out about that i've zoned out during his speech. He talked for so long. Yeah.

Yeah, but he's great. He's this generation's Matthew McConaughey. Well, what else is going on? Yeah, tell us what else is shaping. Well, there's some big news at our house. Uh-huh. We're having a baby. Yay!

I'm having a baby what oh you guys it's so great yeah pretty exciting that was confusing Abby and I are the ones having a baby congratulations

I'm just watching as it happens I'm the birth coach he's my doula very excited I've never doula. Yeah. Very excited. I've never doula'd before. Yeah. But you know what? You're going to be great.

Yeah. Where do you see yourself doulaing in five years? Oh, Vegas. Oh, yeah. The doula show. Yeah. Yes. So Abby and I.

It's also with Get to Know Dave, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's going to be my Get to Know Us. Well, this is the whole Get to Know Us us because I've been sick for a whole week so I don't have anything. You got nothing?

Well, there we go. Let's just learn about babies. September. So Abby and I, yeah, we're having a baby

in September. Wait, do you guys, you love each other very much? When two people marry? Yeah,

we're a mommy and a daddy. Okay, I'm just doing the math. Make sure it adds up. Yeah, I guess we're like 15 or 16 weeks in. 15 and a half.

How's it been, you guys? It's been pretty good. I've had it pretty easy. Yeah? Yeah. Considering horror stories. Once you start lurking the mom and pregnancy message boards and things. Well, so you had the whatever, the morning sickness.

In the evenings. Oh, what? Yeah. Fun. No. So what does that mean? It's exhausting. Does it mean that your baby's going to be a night owl?

A what? An adult? A night owl. I was a night owl, so maybe. I don't know. Yeah. You stayed up late, too. Yeah.

Dave was a night owl, so maybe, I don't know. Yeah. You stayed up late, too. Yeah. Dave was a baby with bills. My parents made me go to bed, but never... Made you go to sleep. Yeah, it was not lights out. It was just like, all right, get out of here. Get out of my head. What would you do? Would you go to your room and watch Letterman?

Yeah, no, I didn't have TV. I'd read Mad Magazine. I would listen to Sports Talk Radio. You'd call in your radio shows And win movie tickets Yep Late at night? No mostly in the morning Did you really?

They didn't give a lot away at night Like 12 Collar Yeah That's tickets to Gremlins 2 Yeah if you are If you are You know if you can identify this Movie clip or whatever

Yeah these elevator Versions of classic rock songs. Then you'll win tickets to my boyfriend's back. I like that movie. I won tickets to another stakeout. I won tickets to another steakhouse. Yeah, where were we? Oh, yeah.

Baby. Night Owl Baby. Night Owl Baby. So I would say, now, as someone who's not carrying the baby, the hardest part has been not telling people. Because you're not supposed to tell people for like 12 weeks. Yeah. I hate secrets. We knew after like three weeks.

And I hate surprises. So this is like the worst. Yeah. You guys told me a very nonchalant way. Yeah, we thought we were going to tell you on the show. But then we were like, oh, we don't want to do that. We wanted to tell you sooner, but we wanted to wait until we were further along to release it publicly. Yes. But we didn't want to release it publicly. Yes.

But we didn't want to make you wait and tell everybody else. You want to tell your friends and your family. I told nobody. And then you want to tell There's stages. There's like tiers that you've got to release. Put it on Facebook. But it's like, yes. In the age of the internet. Oh, good.

Guys, I took this secret to my grave. Oh, you died? Yeah. No, I buried it at my grave. You In the age of the internet. Oh, good. Guys, I took this secret to my grave. Oh, you died? Yeah. No, I buried it at my grave. You paved your way to the grave. You bought a grave site? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you're renting.

Are you guys very excited for me? Okay, yeah. That's my big news. Yeah, this episode is cradle to the grave. Yeah. Where is it? Just in the backyard. The landlord said I can bury myself.

Your house? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I said, hey, what are you going to do with this lawn long term? Where do you see this lawn in five years? In five years. Well, I want you in it.

Your remains. I see you in my lawn in about two. Yeah. In about two to two and a half years. So are you guys, you guys are going, you guys are, you've seen it, right? Yes, we've seen it. We've heard it. We've heard its heartbeat.

Yes. And we don't know if it's a, what it is. You don't know if it's wiggity or if it's whack. Yep. No. We barely know it's human at this point. But you said that it's a. It could be monster.

It could be monster. It's the size and shape of a lemon. Yep. Yeah. It's got no limbs. Starting Saturday, we're going to be pear. You said that it's the size and shape of a lemon. Yep. It's got no limbs. Starting Saturday, we're going to be pear. Oh, really? According to my baby app.

So it goes, is it all fruits? So far, well, it was like puppy seed, sesame seed, chickpea. What's a puppy seed? Oh, a puppy seed. There you go. Where do puppies come from? from guys we're learning a bunch uh so yeah according to my app that gives you a pair yeah so like 10 centimeters but i don't it's not showing at all so i don't know where it is i could eat a dozen pairs you guys would never know true i would never tell if i ate a can of pears before i came over

yeah where does food go well it only goes somewhere for a while my parents never told taught me this lesson mommy daddy where does food go to heaven but let's talk let's tell you where babies come from first yeah um your parents couldn't wait to have that conversation have you seen those pears uh that they put in the plastic case and then they're shaped like babies? The baby pears? Or something like Buddha's or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're very popular in Japan.

The pear grows inside of this plastic case. Inside a mold. Oh. It's like the square watermelons, too. Sure. Yeah. They're amazing. You guys should get some of those and then show people.

This is it. The survival. To celebrate our baby. Our those and then show people. This is it. This is our vibe. Yeah. Celebrate our baby. Our green pear baby. Yeah, for one week. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And then what does it go up to? Do you know yet? No. What's after pear? I don't know what's after pear. Take a look. Let me check my- We'll hold on.

A bunch of bananas. Let me check my- Sam and I will make small talk. My babysitter app. So what's baseball like? I don't know, actually. I've been asked to join a softball league this summer. Oh, okay.

And I might. I might do it. I was just going to say, sounds like a bad idea. Why? I don't know. Yeah, I'll probably get a black hat. I hate sports. Yeah, I don't like sports either, but I probably...

A ginger root is the next one. A ginger root is like you buy them at the store in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Yeah, they're all weird and misshapen. Is that bigger than a pear? I guess a pear plus. It's growing three centimeters a week? Apparently in the next few weeks it's going to be huge. It's going to be like, it was very slow, and then in the next few weeks it's going to be

very quick. Does it have like a face? No, you told me it has it has fingers it has finger prints yeah like you can move its face and stuff like you just suck its own thumb gross it's telling not to do that it's peeing non-stop apparently non-stop well i don't know non-stop it's gonna want like i feed it it pees inside of me and then that pea is reabsorbed back into it or me or something what if that oh the fact that we lose that ability is horrible to what to reabsorb our own pea he isn't it like that's what pants are for a sack of fluid that's what diapers are for that's what pants are for

oh yeah I forgot we're grown ups and we're having a baby and the most interesting thing is the pee well I've never heard that before of course it's like when you hear how people pee in outer space you're like well of course they have to how though

I would hold it just hold it for six months well? Yeah. For six months? Well, I held it the whole time my mom was pregnant with me. Just weirded you out. Yeah, I was like, what, you want me to go here? It's because every time you were going to go, they had the ultrasound on you, and you're like, ah, if you guys are going to watch, I can't go now. I can't go now.

But apparently it's moving around a whole bunch. I can't feel it just yet. Does it feel like anything's changed like i know that you had like you were you're sick and stuff but aside from that does it feel do you feel different you feel more tired i was super tired at the beginning yeah that's normal your body's like what the fuck is going on yeah yeah yeah this is super tiring do you nap a lot and then no i would just go to bed at like eight. Oh, I love it. Let's go to bed super early.

But it's like the way, I don't know how biologically you guys want to get all up in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want everything. The whole night. I want to know what I did to make this happen. You love me very much. Okay. Yeah, you're a mommy and a daddy.

So there's the baby inside the sack of fluid When does the strunk come? Strunk What's that famous bird? You know From the Vlasic pickles And old timey cartoons Yeah

So there's a baby There's a baby in the sack And then that sack is in the uterus Right And it's filled with amniotic fluid And that's the am. There's a baby in the sack. And then that sack is in the uterus. Right. And it's filled with amniotic fluid. And that's the amniotic fluid. And then when the baby, the baby has an umbilical cord. Yeah.

And then a placenta. Yeah. Which is like, helps synthesize and do all the like nutrient stuff that feeds the baby. And the placenta is attached to you though. Yes. And it's attached to the side of my body. And it's going to be delicious. And we're going to fry it up. It's going to be delicious. We're going to fry it up.

It's going to be great. That's not vegetarian. I can totally add that. No, it's not vegan either. If we were Italian, I bet it would be more appetizing. Is it still vegan? No, it's probably not. Are we animals?

Do they consider themselves animals? No, no, yeah. All the vegans will come over. I had a great Italian bit. Sorry, David. Oh, sorry, Dave. I stepped on it. It's fine.

But anyway. It would be pronounced placenta. Ah, there you go. I stepped on it. It's fine. But anyway, so the... It would be pronounced placenta. You would order it off a menu. But the placenta... But anyway, let's talk about whether it's vegan. The placenta doesn't form right away, so it's just me attached to the baby. Like the placenta acts

as like a little buffer. A router. A rec... Oh! A router. In the future, we'll have Wi-Fi babies like in The Matrix. Yeah, so I was super exhausted because I was just like mainlined into the baby.

And it was just like sucking all the nutrients and vitality out of my body. And then the placenta started to grow and then that holds and stores a lot of it so I can still function

as a normal human. That's a really good system. I mean, the first part, not as much, but the rest of it sounds pretty good. It's a really good system i mean the first part not as much but the rest of it sounds pretty good really good system i think we choose that one yeah yeah so yeah morning sickness i did have i didn't have like mood swings there's the one time i cried on the train on the way home because i just read a super i do that internet yeah i cry all the time yeah why did i almost cry it today um oh when we saw each other it was the first time in a week? It was definitely a YouTube video.

Was it dog related? No, I don't remember. Oh, no, it was something private. You'll never know. It was his own wiener. It looked like his wiener in the mirror. He broke into tears. Broken in tears. Oh, wow.

So there was that. And then now I'm in the second trimester, which is apparently when you're going to be feeling the best. Yeah, you're the bomb. Because you're not super huge. And you're not super sick. And you're not sick either. So apparently this is where I'm supposed to be feeling great. Yeah.

So far, so good. Yeah. Have you ever felt great your whole life? an eight out of ten maybe really an eight out of ten no i'm fine but now i have you i have a four what a good day at a four but now i have which is a thing i did not know existed uh rhinitis of pregnancy which is I'm super stuffed up in my sinuses all the time. Totally independent of allergies or bacteria

or virus or anything. I'm just producing boogers nonstop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really cramping my style. Yeah, that's my whole style. Yeah. At least I don't have the itchiness

that goes along with it because I've had allergies before where my mouth itches and your eyes itch. Yeah. But it I don't have the itchiness that goes along with it because I've had allergies before where my mouth itches and your eyes itch. Yeah. But it's like just my whole face is just ugh. And pressure. And I can't take anything. There's nothing you can take. I'm like Tylenol.

Oh yeah. She's not allowed to When we, before, can we say this? Yeah, yeah. Before we found out you were pregnant, like there's so many things you're not allowed to eat. And were in switzerland at the time christmas yeah shots shots yeah having um turtles on the half shelf soft cheeses yeah having uh charcuterie cold cuts raw eggs and eggnog three beers a day like for like two weeks um and then we and booze just non-stop we were totally uh worried about that and then um we met with a midwife uh which is the way to go i recommend it yeah over the other uh what's the other alternative you go see a doctor or a doula okay um the doula can't help you

sorry man uh but yeah i'm only there you help me you don't help the baby you help me yeah i'm kind of the day up and i'm just gonna pull on your beard the whole time and scream the midwife the midwife was like do you have any questions about uh what's happening so far? And we were like, well, we're both drunks. I ate a lot of weird stuff. Like everything you're not. Like fish. We had a whole bunch of weird fish.

Yeah. And she was like, oh, it's fine. The first few weeks, it's fine. There's no organs yet. There's nothing to fuck up yet. We ate some organs.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We all ate a baby. We had a bunch of chicken skin. it's the biggest organ on the chicken um but yeah nothing to worry about so but uh what uh of the things that they're like you cannot you can't have you can have you can has cheese what what do you uh is there anything that you miss we were we're just good anything that you're? We were discussing anything that you're craving. Either on the scale that you miss it because you can't have it, or any weird, like, I really need to eat that. I just want poutine all the time.

Yeah. But that's not different. I kind of always want poutine. Yeah, you always just wanted poutine most of the time. Now I just indulge more because I'm like, it's fine, I'm pregnant, and I can just have poutine twice a week and it's totally fine and then you can have it more than twice and then just eat healthy the rest i haven't had doula i want you to eat more poutine gotta keep mama happy dave you have to eat less poutine to balance everything well i haven't had any poutine get me poutine because i didn't know this was happening until right now yeah um there's like

a whole bunch of poutine places where i can get it near my work okay i didn't know this yeah and there's been some mcdonald's poutine too yeah abby can eat all the poutine she wants but dave for every poutine she eats you have to eat a salad oh no yeah that's the rule um uh yeah like because as the the the man i was gonna say as the husband but you know you don't even need to be married to have a baby what did you have you heard about this what 2014 baby i say as the man you don't even need to be a man no no no you could totally be a woman yeah you can be a wolf yeah you can be a woman wolf um you as the partner you're you have nothing to do it's like you want to do things and they're like just uh you can tell me that i can't eat that that's

what you that's what your job is no no you go get the thing but you just listen to the doula but my rule my role is to like hey make sure she gets enough iron yeah make sure i have a reminder to eat those pills yeah my vitamins but now you have to get in super good shape because uh i'm gonna have to fight the baby you gotta fight the baby for supremacy. And you've got to take care of a kid now. So you have to be in super dad shape. Great shape like every dad. Yeah.

Fit dad. You've got to be a fit dad because you've got to be around for a long time so you've got to get in shape. You've got to stay in shape. Oh, yeah. That's your edict. I mean, I need to buy some family heirlooms. I need to have a really expensive watch that I have to hand down to the kid.

You can then give. And then when the kid is ruined, he'll be like, ah, I got to sell my dad's watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it doesn't have to be a watch. It could be a sword. That's true. It can be a- Some sort of porcelain thing.

Well, I do have that stone in the backyard with the sword stuck in it. I can't for the life of me. No, no. You wait. I think this kid's going to surprise you. And then these people keep coming by. They're trying to get the sword out of the stone. And then they're trying to take the thorn out of the lion's paw.

Yeah. It's like a constant. It's like a reality show cattle call. It wasn't that the thorn was hard to get out wasn't it just that the mouse was smart enough to get it out or little enough it was it was a mouse who did it yeah and the mouse and the lion became friends the mouse the lion was eating everybody else and then the mouse yeah he was biting everybody is this um it's a different thing is this what is this is it a fable or did it really happen this really happened is it is it a bible story no no it's like asap or something yeah it's like an asap asap rocky

yeah it's uh it's or the other guy who's also asap he's also a rapper yeah they're in the asap mob asap what did nima say asap fable um but so like psychologically how you how do you guys feel? You guys are your parents on the way. There's sort of a like when you have a school assignment that they give you at the beginning of the year and it's not due until the end of the year. It's like. You've always got to think about it a little bit. It's like, well, we don't need to have. We don't need to have the baby's room ready yet.

And that's really not going to take that long. Right. But. Should do it. We've got to start saving and thinking. Yeah. About this sort of thing. Thinking.

Saving. I got to start a Pinterest board. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Have you even started a Pinterest board yet? Well, it was funny. We told my mom, and my mom's been hassling us for years to have a kid because she just loves babies. And she emailed me like 10 times in the first week.

Just like little things. And she's like, what are you going to do for the nursery? Like what color scheme and furniture? What are you going to get? What kind of furniture? A lounger. And then I said, oh, I'll start a Pinterest board and I'll make it a private one

and then we can both add to it and we can see you can help contribute. And then my mom's like, oh, I'll just add you to mine. It's already like, she already had one with like a whole bunch of shit on it. Mom, that's crazy. And it was called Someone Give Me a Damn Baby. That's the same as my

Pinterest board name. But I'm like Somebody Give Me a Damn Baby. That's the same as my Pinterest board name. But I'm like, Somebody Give Me a Damn Baby 1. So she must have been the one. Yeah, she must have been underscore 1 or something. I almost joined Pinterest once. But then I didn't know how to do a private one. And then everyone was like, Dave's on Pinterest?

It was too public. Dave's looking at wallpaper on Pinterest. Delete, delete. I'm looking at wallpaper on Pinterest. Delete, delete. I'm looking at Monster Trucks. It's more embarrassing than a Tinder account. Yeah, what is the, what's the manliest Pinterest account that probably exists? Is there a Monster Truck one? Well, there's like architecture and furniture and like the art and stuff.

Those aren't manly things. I mean, they're great, but there's not like guns. Is there one for just grills? Yeah. Bear grills. His Pinterest. Different urns. Nunchucks of the world. Of the world. Yeah. Different nunchucks from different stores.

Argentinian nunchucks. I like that as a band name. The nunchucks of the world? No, Argentinian nunchucks. I like nunchucks of the world. Yeah, that's pretty good. They can open for Argentinian Nunchucks. I like Nunchucks of the World. Yeah, that's pretty good. They can open for Argentinian Nunchucks. What? They're the opener?

Yeah, yeah. Not fair and cool. Well, that's just the way the music is. That's the way it works. They don't make these decisions. Oh, you'll see. In a few years, Nunchucks of the World will be... Hey, you want to play at the Double Deuce?

You can play by my rules. With Jeff Healy? Yeah. Jeff Healy, house band. You, opening band. Graham and I were watching Roadhouse before the show started. I've never seen this movie before. Yeah.

Jeff Healy, now deceased, Canadian blind blues guitarist and singer. Oh, I didn't realize he was Canadian. Who played the guitar on his lap. He is in the movie as he's in the house band. But at the beginning, Patrick Swayze is giving everyone the rundown of like, hey,

here are the rules for being a bouncer. And Jeff Healy, is it the staff meeting? Why does the band have to be at the staff meeting? It's a movie full of contradictions. That's why I watch it. Again and again and again. That's why it's America's most popular movie. And it's, what was it?

The name of the director is like Rowdy Rufstason. It's Rowdy Hutchinson. Oh, yeah. His first name is Rowdy. Super apropos. Well, congratulations, you guys. Yeah. It's really exciting stuff. It's Rowdy Hutchinson. Oh, yeah. His first name is Rowdy. Super apropos. Well, congratulations, you guys. Yeah. It's really exciting stuff.

It's pretty exciting. It's big, but it's also, like, Charlie was on a couple months ago. He just had a baby. Yeah. And he was on right before he had a baby. And he really said, like, oh, it's the biggest thing ever in your life, and it is the most everyday thing. Like, people have babies every day. Everyone you've ever

met was born. But it is, it's the first time you guys have ever done it. Oh, yeah, no, it's going to be the best baby. Yeah. Well, come on. Temper your hopes. No, no, it's going to be the best baby. And we're going to grow into the best adolescent. Going to have some rough teen going to be the best baby and we're going to grow into the best adolescent

going to have some rough teen years but the best adult and then the first Canadian president of the United States oh congratulations high hopes that's the five year plan well what's going on with you Dave oh what

Dave's gonna be a dad and that's gonna be hilarious what's that gonna be like I'm fine with being a mom I've worked with kids my whole life I have such a good time I can see you being a mom very easily I knew it was gonna happen at some point

I'm very comfortable with the idea I think the day of being a dad is hilarious why? tell us all the reasons well he's going to be great we'll just say that straight up nobody thinks otherwise when Dave's siblings started to have kids

like Dave said the last time I played with a 5 year old I was 5 so he doesn't have a lot of him holding a baby Like Dave said, the last time I played with a five-year-old, I was five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's where I'm at. Him holding a baby is just super entertaining. But you've held a lot of babies. Not a lot. And like you, you mentioned a few weeks ago, with Charlie and Charlie's new baby, when someone wants you to hold their baby, you're like, no, I'll pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you don't have that option as an uncle sometimes like you hold the baby yeah like take the baby yeah yeah yeah you've got to hold the baby and you've gotten you dirt certainly you dirt certainly don't have that option as a father nope you're gonna have to hold this and i'm going to want to hold the baby i should hope so i should hope so too yeah you're gonna hold the i've been practicing on a many loaves of bread you've been practicing on Grandpa for years. Yeah, you're fine. I think I've seen your technique with Grandpa.

I've seen you with your nieces. I think the fact that we have nieces, and Dave has had six years now of practice and interaction and seeing how having a kid works and what it's like. You've been educated. It's been so nice to be able to witness Dave's older siblings do it. And it's funny that you said. And that we can pick and choose what we want to do. You were talking about being a mother and you're like, oh, because I'm great with kids. When I think about being a father, I think of like, oh, because of my dad.

Sure. I don't think of like, oh, because I'm great with kids. I'm like, oh, yeah, because my dad was good at it he did a great job yeah yeah yeah he did a great job with most of us oh yeah oh we've got some bad apples yeah yeah randy yeah ricky uh rowdy my brother rowdy well he directed all those films that's true um but they weren't critical successes no they were cult classics yeah they're called cult darlings yeah uh yeah what's uh what but what do you think's gonna be you obviously think something's gonna be funny about dave being a dad what is it i don't like this is what you got got into this for to uh humor you know as a fun joke yeah well children just in general are super entertaining.

Oh, yeah. Dave's going to be, I think, a strict dad. Oh, yeah? Oh, no, I'm a fun, cool dad. No, yeah, I agree. Strict dad. He's going to be a no-nonsense dad. But as a strict dad... When do you become a strict dad? Oh, right away.

You're not strict with a baby. Well, you can't do it with a baby. Yeah, but you don't let that baby just, you know, walk around. Push it around. Push everything over. The baby can walk. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you make sure that it wears shoes. It won't want to. It's not going to want to keep that hat on

in the sunshine. But Dave, you want it to wear that hat. I know. It's going to get a sunburn on its head. On top of its bald head. When that baby doesn't want to eat, you want it to eat, though. Because otherwise... If that baby doesn't want to go to sleep, you're going to put it to sleep. If my baby needs a blanket?

Yeah. Yeah, are you going to be a rules dad? You're going to be a strict dad. I think so. I haven't... You know what? I haven't given it thought. Just like, again, practicing with Grandpa, too.

I'm like, eh, let him. Like, he's fun. He's like, no, he needs to go out at 9.30. We're taking him out at 9.30. And I'm like, eh, I'm tired., he's fun And Dave's like, no, he needs to go out at 9.30 We're taking him out at 9.30 And I'm like, eh, I'm tired No, that's just because you're lazy Like, you're strict with the dog And I realize a baby is not a dog

It's just all we know But like I mean, I realize it, but I don't know It's a thing in your life That does require structure And responsibility, yes. But you're the one who always makes it go to bed when you're eating. True.

I'd fucking hate it. I would allow it. I'd be serious if it was what I eat. I would allow grandma to walk on me while I eat. This is the same thing you'll do to the baby. You're not going to let the baby stare at you while you eat a steak. You think of your dad. I think of my mom.

My mom had a good balance of empathy, but then a very low tolerance for bullshit. Right. Okay. So you gotta temper it. You gotta be like, okay, I understand that you're having a meltdown right now, but buck the fuck up. Did your mom ever say buck the fuck up? Yeah. Then she said, back the fuck up.

But she absolutely told me to buck the fuck up. Wow. My parents only swore by accident in traffic. Would they do this where they would catch themselves? Shit. They do that? My mom would do that all the time. She'd swear a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'd try to catch herself. Yeah, they would do that, but we would hear it. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, dad, guess what mom said in traffic? I would rat on her. The C word? The B word?

The F word? Yeah. All the bombs. But we don't know the sex of the baby. No. Are you going to keep it a surprise, or are you going to know? I want to know. Yeah, we want to know.

When do you know? In a few weeks. Oh, okay. Oh, really? I thought it was way late that you know? In a few weeks. Oh, okay. Oh, really? I thought it was like way late that you found out. About halfway through. Cool. And we don't care whether it's a boy or a girl as long as it's a great big weirdo.

Yeah. We're going to strive for a big weirdo. What do you mean big weirdo? Well, just like, you know. We're going to teach it to say weird stuff. Yeah. Like weird stuff. Just to entertain us.

Yeah. We're going to make them watch all the Planet of the Apes movies. I'm not. Yeah. You can teach the baby about the Canucks, and I can teach him about Cornelius and Zero. Yeah, I'll do. But chances are the kids are not going to be interested

in either of those things. Yeah. Yeah, and then you're just going to have to lump it. What are the opposite? Because you're a sci-fi nerd, and I'm like a sports those things. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're just going to have to lump it. What are the opposite? Because you're a sci-fi nerd and I'm like a sports statistics nerd. Yes. So what are the opposites? What are the opposites of those?

You're going to have a politically engaged kid that's always talking, always has a fucking... You're going to make us go vegetarian or some shit. Yeah. And it's going to have an opinion about everything. And you're just going to have to listen to it. Suck it in. Graham thinks that's hilarious. Oh, man. opinion about everything and you're just gonna have to listen to it oh man so great guys it's gonna be great it's gonna be great um are how many different costumes will you put the kid in within the first year of its oh my god like 365 a million. Oh, 365. A million. A million. Will you dress the kid as Gumby at any point?

Will you dress the kid as Batman and dress Grandpa up as Robin? I'm already trying to think of things that we can tag team. Ideas for dog and baby. I'm trying to think of two things. Inspector Gadget and Penny. Those are the big two. Those are the big ones. Well, I mean, Simon and Garfunkel would be hilarious with the wig. Grandpa's black.

So if there's any black and white combinations. Ebony and ivory. Oh, sure. Men in black. Oh, yeah. Galaxy Defenders. I make this look good. Our baby's going to look like Tom Haley Jones. All babies kind of look like Tom Haley Jones. And all babies used to be roommates

with Al Gore. There you go. That's true. It's a weird fact. When you see them, you're like, how did those babies and Al Gore go to college at Harvard? Well, that's great, you guys. Yeah, thanks. There will be more updates forever. Yeah, that's right.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, we can just talk about it whenever anything comes up. If anything exciting happens. Yeah, but I mean, it's pretty exciting to make the announcement, right? Yeah. Like I was saying, I felt so bad. I had to apologize to people. Like, I'm sorry I've seen you and I haven't told you. Sorry I couldn't tell you yet.

I've seen you like four times and I just had to shut my mouth. Yeah, because you have to tell your family first. Yeah yeah like if my mom knew that other people knew before her family first then money then things yeah she would have hit the fan family first then podcast associates yes and then everybody else and then it's like uh you know you have friends that you're not gonna see in person and then you're like I, is this a phone call or an email? No, it's a letter. There's people we want to tell face to face.

Yeah. And then there's the people that like, we don't see face to face. And we just kind of have to tell electronically through a phone call or through text. And then the first, you should do it to a landline text. I am right. We are having a baby. And then there are the people,

like the first people you tell, you also have to tell them, don't tell anyone. Shut the fuck up. Because we still have to tell other people. Like we told Alicia, but we hadn't told you yet. It's like, shut up. No, other ways around. Didn't you tell me and then tell Alicia?

I knew before Alicia. Yeah, we told you first. But then we hadn't told Charlie and Kara either. We hadn't told Charlie Demers about it yet. And we wanted to tell him. Yeah, we have five friends. Yeah. We have like four people.

That's why they do the phone plan like that. You don't need more than that. Your friends, your framily plan. That's a new one. What? No. And every time I hear it, I like twitch a little bit because it's not right. Is that a television thing?

Yeah. Framily? Yeah. You need a cable. No, I don't. I don't. I'm not missing out on anything. I feel good.

Sprint. Feel good. Are you sure? I watched all of True Detective. I don't even have a TV. Sprint's even a thing out on anything. I feel good. Sprint. I feel good. Are you sure? I watched all of True Detective. I don't even have a TV. Feels good. Feels real good. Oh, do you want to spoil True Detective?

No. No, no. There's somebody out there. They were dead the whole time. Yeah. It was... It was the aliens that did it. What done did it?

It was one of the characters. You know what's cool? That show was only eight episodes yeah that was really awesome really great because why aren't all shows that yeah right because like a lot of shows they're fine but eight episodes done eight episodes would trim the fat get to the meat of it done yeah what would like closure two and a half men be like if it was just eight episodes? It would be so funny if it was eight episodes, because it's like a story about this guy who's like a drunk, swinging bachelor, and his neurotic brother moves in and his son, and it's just

eight episodes. We've got to figure it out. Yeah, they've got to figure it out in eight episodes. Eight half hours. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Four hours. When does Ashton Kutcher come it out in eight episodes. Eight half hours. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Four hours. When does Ashton Kutcher come in in those eight episodes?

Six. He comes on next season. There's other seasons. Oh, yeah, you can do seasons. But eight episodes a season is more, because like, when you watch a show on Netflix, sometimes a season is like 26 episodes long. You're like, you really don't have that many stories well i started i don't i started house of cards abby's watched watched the whole thing in like a weekend

yeah and i'm three episodes in and i'm like i don't like this yeah do i have to keep watching how many episodes am i uh like i've missed out on whatever conversation was gonna happen about this show can i just not watch it now? Yeah, there's that. He's just got a rowing machine. Oh, that rowing machine. It's crazy. It's like got water in it and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, man, oh man, that rowing machine. He drinks out of it. Yeah, yeah. Puts it in the basement. Uh, that rowing machine really does come back to haunt them. Does it?

Yeah. I don't want to spoil it? I don't want to spoil it. Oh, feel free. No, it just comes back in the second season. The rowing machine becomes president. That's right. Does it become like a running gag? Kind of. It kind of does. You've seen the second season, right?

No, I haven't seen any of the second one. I've not had a chance. Let me say this about the second season, right? No, I haven't seen any of the second one. No. I haven't had a chance. Let me say this about the second season, without spoiling anything. There are at least two moments where my jaw just dropped. Literally. I think I know one of them because I totally sneaked a look on the internet. Oh, man. I was like, the two things that happened.

And I was sitting by myself. I felt like such an asshole. Now, do you like it? Yeah. Or do you watch it as an exercise? To be a member of the conversation. I want to be a member of the conversation. But also, I like him.

I like Kevin Spacey. Yeah. You like the Southern accent. I love that Southern accent. Robin Wright's clothing is amazing. You like ribs. Yeah. I like seeing other people eat ribs.

That old guy. And the guy who makes the ribs used to be on Square One. He used to be on Square One. That's right. I like ribs. Yeah, I like seeing other people eat ribs. That old guy, and the guy who makes the ribs used to be on Square One. He used to be on Square One. That's right. I remember him. Really? Yeah. Is it a black guy? Yep. Big, tall, skinny black guy. I don't remember him on Square One. Was he on MathNet? No, MathNet was two white guys. Or a white guy and a white lady.

Was he MathMan? MathMan, yep, that was Pac-Man. MathMan. What else was on Square One? He would be part of that cast of people who would do the songs and all the sketches and stuff. Do you remember that one when Kid and Play were on?

Rule of Thumb. Estimate with Kid and Play. And then wasn't the Weird Al do one? I don't know. I remember so many songs. There was one about the number nine, and it was like a country hoedown. Oh, yeah. Nine, nine, nine, it's number nine. And it was all about multiples of nine.

Yeah. And there was another one about, that's combinatorics. Yeah. It was like combining and like probability and stuff. And they were on the beach. Oh, tessellation. It was like a Beach Boys one. And they were making like, you take a whole bunch of shapes

and you make a bigger shape out of the Tessalations and stuff. Wow. That was a weird thing because they would do things like it was in the 80s or late 80s or early 90s. Yeah.

And they would have references to the Beach Boys, which kids wouldn't get. And, uh... Ah, grandpa's sticking his paw under the door. Two little toes sticking underneath the door um but yeah it was a weird thing like hey let's write this thing for that only adults will get

but we'll make it we'll make it for 10 year olds i loved the beach boys when i was a kid what are you kidding me oh yeah john stamos he was in uh teen wolf there was a song in Teen Wolf. Oh, sure. Surfing USA on the roof of the van. Surfing USA on the roof of a van. You are a Teen Wolf, what do you say? They're famous harmonies. Should we move on to a bit of business? Yeah, let's. Hey, welcome back.

I know we were just here a moment ago. But we're back. Yeah, we're back. And right now we want to talk to you a little bit about the Max Fund Drive that is going on right now until the 28th of March. I'm excited. We're in the middle of it. Yeah, we're in mid-excitement. Yeah, I...

Coitus interruptus. Is that what that means? I think that's what it is. All these years I've been told to stop doing that and really i should keep doing it yeah oh please yeah be my guest um now if you're uh new to the podcast if you've never been through a max fun drive basically the entire uh max fun network is listener support yeah us uh bullseye judge john hodgman, Jordan Jessico, the dozen other shows on the network. Yeah, so we're not beholden to your Viacoms or your Sony. Yeah, Miramax, TriStar.

Yamaha. Buena Vista Home Entertainment. Yeah, exactly. We're not part of a conglomerate. We're listener. Vindabona Productions. Yeah, Ubu. part of a conglomerate we're listening to bono productions yeah uvu um we're uh listener completely listener sponsored uh and so uh once a year we do this for two weeks we ask you if you

like the shows uh to go to maximumfund.org click on donate and uh there's different levels you can donate as we we ask that you uh donate as a monthly donor yeah because that's kind of the easiest uh way to do yeah for the network to sort of uh make sure everyone gets their share um and basically we love doing the show yeah if you're listening hopefully you love the show uh and you know if you're if you come this far you probably aren't thinking oh you know what i really don't want to donate you probably have thought about okay i do want to donate when's the time gonna be the time is now in the words of maloka is it maloka who had that song yes it is also you guys are having a kid so that's oh yeah it's you know it's never been more uh

necessary we're gonna need another microphone yeah yeah yeah yeah for for your kid sloopy uh boy or girl sloopy sure um yeah so basically uh supporting the show financially will make you feel good yeah you want us you want you want i feel like this is a little hypnotic you want to help us yeah like uh this is the show you want to donate to yes let us suck your blood and like you so you've probably been thinking about it uh and you're probably the device upon which you're listening is probably a device that connects to the internet. And so the time is now to do it. Because if you donate before March 28th, you're eligible, not just eligible, you will get

some of the pledge gifts. And this is if you're a new donor or a current donor who is upping your donation and also when you donate be sure to tell maximum fund that it's us that you that you donate i cannot stress this enough grace is really worried that uh we're gonna get trampled by the competition yeah i want uh i want them them there at headquarters to know that we're pulling our weight and uh that's the way that's the way we can do it is uh by you our awesome listeners telling them what for um now here are some of the pledge gifts you get if you're a five dollar per month donor you'll get our exclusive bonus content that's uh bonus episodes that from every podcast in on the network. And I think you even get access to previous years. Holy bananas.

Including the bonus episode we did of all, a reverse episode, a backwards episode. Yeah. An all overheard episode. And then this year's content, which was an episode. Where we play Trivial Pursuit with Alicia Tobin. That's right. I've heard it.

It's great. Ah, testify. And then at the $10 per month level, you will get that, the bonus content, plus the 18-month mini MaxFun cat calendar. Doesn't sound that mini to me. 18 months? Yeah. It's a year and a half.

It's a year and a half. that many to me. 18 months? Yeah, it's a year and a half. It's a year and a half. That's cat portraits, cat paintings of our likenesses and all of the Max Fun hosts' likenesses

if we were cats. Graham's wearing a little hat. It's adorable. There's a little Hulk Hogan doll. Yeah, that's right. And a Canadian flag with a paw instead of a maple. Yeah, these were all painted

by Megan Lincott. They're adorable. They're adorbs. They're adorkable. I hope our baby's adorkable. It's like a 99% chance to be adorkable. I hope it's not like that statuesque. Can we start referring to the baby as Baby Sloopy?

What's Zooey Deschanel's beautiful sister's name? Emily Deschanel. I think she's prettier. Yeah, yeah. She's pretty? But she's adorkable. Bones! The other one's bones! Squints!

All the high school kids have posters of bones in their locker. That's true. $20 per month, you get all the Moving right along. The MaxFun Morning Essentials Kit, which is a cobalt blue MaxFun Rocket mug, a half bag of Tonks coffee, and a bar of Stack soap.

That's the soap that has a little notch in it so you can put the sliver of the previous soap so you don't lose any soap and you're not dealing with slivers. Yeah, so put a notch in your soap, one on your bedpost, one on your belt. And Tonks Coffee is a very, very popular home delivery coffee service. A subscription service. At the $35 per month level, you get all that, plus a pair of rocket-engraved highball glasses. These are, you know, for drinking. Ah, shit, Snooki. I'm trying to get that

going as a saying. Sloopy? Snooki. Ah, shit, Snooki. I'm confused why you want that as a saying. I don't know. I'm just trying some new stuff. So, and there's more, there are more gifts at the higher levels, including

automatic entry into the boatparty.biz. Yeah. That's all available. All that information for the high rollers is available at maximumfun.org. We want you to head over there, click on Donate. But what I hear a lot from people, you get these messages too on Twitter. It's like, Dave Graham, I just made it through your entire archive.

I've listened to hundreds of hours of you. Now I don't know what to do. Well, here's what you do. Donate. There you go. Pony up some dough. Because that archive is there forever. It's free forever. And it's great. And if you've made it through every episode,

chances are you're like, hey, I owe these jerks. When baby Sloopy is adult Sloopy, we'll be able to look back at all of the episodes for free. Are you, where does Sloopy come from? Hey, now Sloopy. Sloopy, hang on. Isn't it hang on, Sloopy? Hmm.

But that is a famous song that everyone thinks is Snoopy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not. It's Sloopy. It's Sloopy. Baby Sloopy. Not to be confused with. But it's not. It's Sloopy. It's Sloopy. Baby Sloopy. Not to be confused with the Beach Boys song, Sloop John B. No, yeah.

Totally different. But similar. Friendlier. I think that's also a traditional Caribbean song. Really? Or Caribbean. Yeah. Oh, like Caribbean Queen. Yeah.

Yeah. I got you. Yeah, that's it. My son, Caribbean Queen. Or daughter. Yeah. But that's the great thing about Baby Sloopy. Could be a boy or a girl. Yeah. Works either way. Yeah, that's it. My son, Caribbean queen. Or daughter. Yeah. But that's the great thing about baby Sloopy. Could be a boy or a girl.

Yeah, it works either way. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, so donate now. Do it! Yeah, March 28th is the deadline to get these prizes. And we'd like to get our notched belt numbers up. Yeah, so let's move along. Let's move on to a little segment called Over numbers up. Yeah. So let's move along.

Let's move on to a little segment called Overheard. Please. Overheard. Overheard. Oh, what are these? Oh, you know what they are. They're the moments in our lives. Yeah.

Something where you use your listening devices, your ears, or your seeing devices, your eyes. Yeah. And you slushy something you're busy something yeah and um now we always like to start with the guest that's me that's you and you're ready to go you know how this works i know how it works i have like a weird like inception meta style overseen of an overseen of an overseen kind of. Inception is the movie. Of a dream within a dream within a dream.

That was a Leonard of Capri feature. Yes. Oh, I get it. I get it. One of his fine pieces of work. I was on the Skytrain on my way to work. And we pulled into a station. And I'm sitting in a window seat, and I just look over my shoulder onto the platform, and I see an old man wander over to a garbage can that's just like an open one, like doesn't have a lid or a door or anything. It's just a big open garbage can, and he leans over the garbage can and does the most disgusting long loony spit into the garbage can. And I see it.

I literally like I'm not looking for him, but my eyes just land on him. And I involuntarily make like this disgusted face. Like my face just like scrunches up and then a guy sees me scrunch my face and laughs and then I see him see me see the old man and then we both laugh.

Ah, nice. It was pretty funny. It turned a super gross situation where I was almost going to barf into a funny one. How fun! Thanks, guy. At Joyce Collingwood Station about four weeks ago.

Did you ever chat with him? Did he take this as an opening to come sit down and chat you up? Yeah. Did he? No. Oh, I don't know. People are very forward. No, people are not.

Some people are. The worst people. I had my headphones on. I was probably listening to you guys. Oh, hey. All right. Or another excellent Maximum Fun podcast that you should donate to was probably listening to you guys. Oh, hey. Or another excellent Maximum Fun podcast. Hey, make sure you donate, too.

Nice work, you guys. Abby, do you donate? You donate through me. I was going to say, I benefit. Yeah. Is it weird if I donate if I also take back? Can I take, kind of? You can take.

I donate, and I take back. Do you? Yeah. Oh, shit. I've always donated. Yeah, I donate as well. No need to donate. Although last year I donated. I just thought it was Do you? Yeah. Oh, shit. I've always donated. Yeah, I donate as well. No need to donate. Although last year I donated.

I just thought it was weird. I didn't get any prizes. I don't think you upped your donation. What do I got? Tonks coffee? I don't have time for Tonks coffee. What do I got? Tens of dollars?

What do I got? Tens of dollars? Tens of dollars a year? Yeah. I don't. well, do I? Well, maybe I do. I've got to go back through the accounting. Sure, yeah.

Talk to your people. Dave, do you have an overhand? Mine is an overseen, and it's actually, like, it's not, I don't think it's that unique, because it's a, I had never seen this company before, but it was on. New York. Yeah. It was on the, uh, the car of a company, or I guess it's like a truck van thing,

um, that has many chains or it's a chain that has many, um, you know, outlets around the world. It is a, um, like a locksmith service.

Okay. Uh, called Papa lock locksmith. Hey, I get it. Yeah. Like Papa Smurf or, or who was the Papa we mentioned earlier? Papa doc fromsmith. I get it. Yeah, like Papa Smurf or the Papa we mentioned earlier.

Papa Doc from Haiti. Yes, the famous Papa Doc. Actually, Papa Lock does sound a lot like Papa Doc. What was his last name? But isn't Papa Lock, isn't that also Poppin' and Lockin'?

It's got a lot of sound-alikes none of which have anything to do with locksmithing. With actual locks, no. And so it's a locksmithing company, which I guess means if you get locked out of your house, they can let you in. Or if you get locked out of your car, they can help you. Or if you want to break into your ex-girlfriend's house. One of the things, it's about being locked out of your car. And one of the things on the truck, it says, Over 350,000 children rescued.

Whoa! What? I don't get it. I guess it means if... When you lock your kids in the car? When you lock your kid in the car. Oh, yeah. And I guess they have technically rescued the children.

Are kids too dumb to open up the locks? Some are too little. I think it's a baby. If they're in a car seat, they can't reach. Yeah, and if they're strapped in, they can't help you. But, I mean, they haven't really saved 350,000 lives. They've saved you from breaking your window. No, but they didn't say lives they said children that's true so we don't know what the thing is they because

maybe they donate half of their profits to a children's life saving yeah to put kids on a wilderness preserve okay yeah so you save them from poachers yeah, yeah, yeah So we don't know, it could be true It could be a valid claim But you automatically assume That it's because they rescue kids from cars Yes, because that's the reason Well, I don't know But also they probably let kids into their houses

When it was really cold outside So the kids didn't freeze to death But baby, it's cold outside No, literally, baby, it's cold outside There the kids didn't freeze to death it's cold outside no literally baby it's cold outside there's a baby you should let me unlock your door because it's cold outside it's a fun song in march and april um but is that why is that why is that why they say yeah because they've helped that's why I assume it's a chain. It's not just one guy with a truck helping 350,000 people.

Whoa, that's quite a record for that one guy. He's a busy guy. And that can't be their only call. They've got to also let people into their houses and just replace your lock or whatever. It can't just be the baby saving service. Yeah, it's funny. If there's no trapped kid, don't call us. Oh, you've got a dog in your car?

Nope. Sorry. Because even... Dogs can't vote. How many dogs saved? That's probably as equally an impressive statistic. I think you just break a window.

Yeah, or the dog was... The dog's smart enough to open up the car door. That's true. Yeah. I saw this dog on TV that could do addition. I saw a dog...

It was on square one. I saw a dog that could surf and also it was a squirrel. And also it was water skiing. And I have seen surfing dogs. Yeah, yeah. You also saw that water skiing squirrel. I sure did. I wonder where he is right now.

He's dead. No, no, no! He drowned. No! no, no He drowned No No Squirrels don't like water Squirrels fine You sound like Jimmy Stewart if he was Frankenstein No

Fire, fire No No Let me drown you little girl My mouth is bleeding Oh, wonderful afterlife I'm dead inside I'm saving the loan No. No. Oh. Let me drown you, little girl. My mouth's bleeding. Oh. Oh. Oh, wonderful afterlife.

I'm dead inside. I'm no savings and loan. Oh, Christmas. And Halloween. Zuzu's Petal. Now I sound like someone else. Anyway, we're having fun. Yeah.

Our impressions are getting better. Uh-huh. Graham? Yep. Do you have an overheard? Mm-hmm. Mine is courtesy of a lady that I've seen three times this week. Oh, three times a lady. Yeah.

Correct. She's on the bus. She talks to a friend of hers. Well, the first day she was talking to her doctor on the phone. A fun bus conversation to have. Well, Abby and I were on the SkyTrain the other day, and a guy was making a doctor's appointment on speakerphone, not realizing he was on speakerphone.

He was still holding the phone to his head. And you could hear the nurse or whatever, the medical assistant, saying, I can't understand you. Yeah. Where are you? We've got you in for a two o'clock ball rash appointment super embarrassing yeah yeah that's a good one um so this lady was talking to her doctor the first day and then the second day she was talking to her ex-boyfriend and they were

yeah yeah two o'clock ball rash isn't it 2 230 uh yes the chinese ball sorry my ball glad i interrupted um totally worth it the uh so she was talking to her ex-boyfriend she was asking him why they ever broke up and she's a mess so that's why she's a disaster and he's probably a disaster too she uh but they both have phones yeah well that's true i didn't think about it that way yeah you know what you may be lying in the gutter but you both have phones yeah you can both stare up at the stars and yell into your phones about how dumb the stars are so then she said you know why do we why did we break up no it wasn't my fault well i guess it was kind of my fault well it takes two to tango tango with a k yeah or tango yeah yeah it takes two to tango

oh i guess it does take two to tango i mean i guess that's sort of like a um you know uh it's a true a true famism a true uh it's what it isamism it's what it is but it's like I guess that sort of why does anyone need to know what a tango is these days much less this lady

well she doesn't know she said tango she takes two to get tango you end the booze a super classy person is never going to have to tango. Oh, no, you have to. Oh? Yeah.

Once you pop a certain income bracket. Oh, once you dance with a star. Yeah. You never go far. And, you know, if you tango with the devil, you tango... And cash. Yeah, you tango with cash. Thank you.

Tango and cash. But, yeah. Can you believe Dancing with the Stars is still on? No. How are people not tired of that? Well, because people are dumb. You see, here's the thing, is I ride the bus every day. And to some people that ride the bus every day, I see them every day.

And the doors work the same every day. And every day they panic see them every day. And the doors work the same every day. And every day they panic, they freak out, they push it until an alarm rings, and the bus hasn't stopped yet. And those are the people that rush home. I gotta see Dancing with the Stars. They don't realize that it's on four hours a week.

Yeah, exactly. They don't realize that they can PVR it. They don't realize they can get it on the internet. They're that dumb! And that's who watches it. Dumb-dumbs. Yeah. Big dumb idiots. Well, they're not all big.

Some of them are tiny. Tiny little idiots. Still dumb, though. Yeah. Stupid. It's been the same the whole time where three of the stars are famous and the rest are, oh, I've never heard of this person before. Or they're all athletes and you've barely heard of any of them.

And they all do great. And they dominate. because they're used to practicing a sport all day. And then there was the one that was from that show. She was, I think, one of the dancers. And then she dressed in blackface on Halloween. Oh, yeah. Julianne Hough. She dresses as one of the new black. Yeah.

Is she still on that show? No, she's moved on She's a movie star slash singer Movie star She was in Rock of Ages and Footloose She's Derek Hough's sister Who's also on Dancing with the Stars Oh, good for them

Good for them Although I saw an ad for Dancing with the Stars And that guy Maxim Max with a K and an S He's the famous one now Him and Cheryl Dancing with the Stars, and that guy Maxim. Max? Oh, yes, that Russian dude. Max with a K and an S. He's the famous one now. Him and Cheryl. No, Cheryl wasn't in the commercial.

Cheryl's in it, though. Yeah, I think Cheryl's great. Cheryl's dumb. Cheryl's won a whole bunch. She won the first one. She's won a few. She reminds me a bit of Cara Noe. What are you guys talking about?

Do you guys watch Dancing with the Stars? No, we just know them. We just exist in this world. Because you guys aren't dumb idiots. She's like Karen O with a fake tan. Yeah. You guys know a lot about this show. She's like Karen S.P.F. For somebody who doesn't watch it, you're two people who know a lot about it.

Yeah, we can name all the dancers and all the stars, and we watch it every night. And we know who wins every season. Yeah, we have predictions, and we're Tom Bergeron. Oh, no. Well, how much can I win for sending in my award-winning video oh uh no funny no money cut it out um now we also have overheards that have been sent into us from around the world if you want to do the same you can send it into spy at maximum fun.org and uh this first one comes to us all the way from oklah, where the wind comes racing down the place.

This overheard comes from my girlfriend, Chelsea. She works at a nonprofit that provides diapers and baby formula for kids in need. Very nice. Oh, we have a kid in need. Yeah. Well, we hope to have a kid in need. What's that kid's name again? Sloopy.

Sloopy. Yeah, Sloop Dogg. A couple of kids, a five-year-old boy and his baby sister, were in the lobby, and the five-year-old was running around and being friendly with everyone. Chelsea. Not my kid. Is this your sister? Boy. Yes.

Chelsea. What's her name? Boy. I don't know. And then runs off. It blew your cover story pretty quick there young boy yeah oh i love it takes i mean you it's a five-year-old kid but it you you you're not a good liar until you're like in your adult year yeah you're just trying on lying like you know you're gonna lie yeah you just but, you're going to lie. Yeah.

But you say the opposite of the truth, and that's it. If you've ever seen someone who has a fake ID try to memorize facts about themselves. Yeah, their postal code and stuff. Yeah, and like, okay, I was born in this year. Okay, what sign of the Zodiac am I? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like where you had to be super thorough. Yeah.

Oh yeah yeah yeah Like where you had to be super thorough What was the I think I've said it on the podcast before The John Mayer's system Was to ask a girl what the first movie she saw In the theater was Yeah and then even if she answered it wrong He'd still have sex with her

Cause he's gross What a dirtbag He's such a dirtbag But that's not a very good system Because then you constantly Every year you have to be up on... You have to know what... Oh, okay. Came out in 1986 or whatever.

Here's how this conversation would go. John Mayer would go, what's the first movie you saw in the theater? And the girl goes, I don't know, Kung Fu Panda? And he goes, okay. Good answer. We didn't really have theaters where I came from. Oh, man. Can you even imagine if you were a girl

and you wake up and you're like, oh, no, John Mayer. That system is totally flawed because maybe you're like, I think when I was five or six, I definitely saw Ferris Bueller's Day Off

in the theater. What did you ask when John Mayer asked you? Oh, the great Muppet Camper. And he still took advantage of me. Well, no, I feel like we took advantage of each other. We both gave as good as we got. Yeah, we explored each other's wonderlands.

Gross. His body's not a wonderland. He doesn't sing that his body is. No, it's a visitor to... He's singing that to a mirror. You know, I heard that... Is it true that that's about Jennifer Loveifer love hewitt that song sure yeah i mean he's he's had it all he has had it all yeah name name one that he hasn't had i can't

dolly parton he had yeah yep sure marley matlin well she's the only one who could stand his music. Oh, yay! Why were the two of all the women we've got to say Dolly Parton? Dolly Madeline? Well, we're good. Good at naming names. We're good at the name game.

Esa-Petha Merkerson. He's at her. Queen Elizabeth. Queen Latifah mm-hmm happy name of female celebrity oh shit look there's Billy on the street and I'm failing

oh it's alright when you think of one you just chime in chime in with a lady of fame Mariska Hargitay yeah

wait was she was was Esa-Petha Merkerson also on Law & Order? A different Law & Order, though. Okay, good. She's from too long, she's the two degrees of Law & Order away. Yeah.

Acceptable. This is, this next one comes from Ebon in Brookline, Massachusetts. How do you spell Ebon? E-B-A-N. Ebon? Like Ebon Schleder? Yeah, maybe it's Ebon? E-B-A-N. Ebon? Like Ebon Schleder? Yeah, maybe it's Ebon Schleder, guys. Probably not.

This is two kids play fighting. One smaller with curly hair. The other larger, slightly husky. Both approximately 10 years old. Curly and Husky are their names for the rest of the script. Oh, good. We'll add those to the list. The legend of Husky's gold.

Curly says, I know Taekwondo. This is crane stance. Very good in tournaments. Husky, this is Mario double jump. Very good for kicking the privates. Curly, after black belt, we get a ninja mask.

Husky, cool. I thought you were going to say gold belt. Curly, my sensei makes us break boards. Later, we break bricks. Husky, my sensei doesn't make us break anything. My sensei's sensible Sensible sensei Sort of an easygoing sensei

Break what you want, break what you feel When I was that age I was obsessed Not so much with the belt levels But just the black belt And how to fake getting one Yeah I'd probably have to beat up a karate guy

I was also i was obsessed with the uh breaking boards yeah yeah and the chopping the karate chopping yeah karate chopping karate was very cool being able to hit somebody with like the tips of your fingers in like a nerve jab or something yeah i was a big jump kick. Oh, jump kick. That sort of... Flying through the air? Yeah. I was more into what I looked like in a freeze frame. Yeah.

As opposed to what I actually... Actual damage? Yeah. I remember a lot of the time I tried to kick people, and they just grabbed my foot. And just threw me to the ground. Or punched me in the dick. That's impossible. That's the major block to a kick.

Grabbing a guy's leg. Grab a foot. Oh, I didn't see that coming. Impossible to get out of. Unless you use the other foot. Unless you're that one guy Brent was talking about last week. Oh, yeah, BJ Novak. Yep, that was the guy.

BJ Penn. BJ Novak, the one guy Brent wants to fight. Yeah. This last one comes from Jason in Charlottetown. Prince Edward Island. You bet. Canada's. The cradle of confederation.

Oh, is it? Yes, it is. Oh, man. Really? It's where our shit was signed back in the day. Ah, shit. The Canada thing. But if we were like, if they had known how big Canada was going to be, they probably

wouldn't have given it its own province. Well, they knew it. They knew it existed. Like, we knew that part of the country existed. I know, but... We didn't have it yet. Yeah, but given the size of that, there should be a thousand provinces.

Or PI should be part of another one. Yeah. Or not exist. Well, but it... Let's bomb it off the map. It's tiny, but it's made a big impression with... Green gables. Green gables.

Potatoes. Red sand. You bet red sand. Is that where Stomping Tom Connors was from? Stomping? Stomping? No, but he wrote a song about it. Okay.

P-E-I. Potatoes. Potato man. Yeah. Potato man. Oh, no. Get away from the door. The potato man is here.

Get away from the door. Oh, no. He's good. He's getting inside. Oh, no. Barricade the door. The potato man is here. Oh no, he's getting inside. Oh no, barricade the door. The potato man is here. Oh, he thought a potato man was a zombie. Oh no, he's getting

in through the window. The potato man is here. Where is Stomp-a-Tom from? He is from New Brunswick. Poor man's Prince Edward Island. So this is Jason and Charlotte down. This is at an office this is a person

storming out saying if you're firing me I'm walking right out of here and I'm not coming back yeah okay deal

yeah you can't but it's not exactly you can't fire me I quit it's you can't fire me I'm fired yeah I'm fired

you can't fire me I'm quit. You can't fire me. I'm fired. Yeah, I'm fired. You can't fire me. I'm taking my stuff and I'm leaving. Yeah, but no severance. Because I'd be fired. You can't fire me, I'm fired. Pretty great. Now, as great as that is.

And it was. In addition to the phone calls, we also, those weren't phone calls. In addition to the written in overheards, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hi, guys. This is Gary from South Pasadena. This was overheard. He really laid off the microphone.

My daughter had an assembly in her classroom starring Austin and Allie Starr from Disney's Austin and Allie's Lauren Marano. What did he just say? She was encouraging the children to read because that's something people should do. encouraging the children to read because that's something people should do. And she then took questions from her first grade class. And I overheard the question, does your breath stink? Which occasionally, apparently, sometimes it does. Valid question.

Who is it? Laura Moreno from Austin and Allie's presents Austin and Allie's? Something I've never heard of. Yeah, it's Austin and Allie's a thing on, what did he say, Disney Channel? Yeah. And yeah, so this woman came and she's an actress and it's a kid ass. This is your best thing. Is she Allie? I guess maybe she's Ally.

Oh, she's... I don't know if she's either. You know these... On That's So Raven, they had more than Raven. Oh, yeah, that's true. But you wonder, is Austin and Ally... They had people making the life more sweet for Zack and Cody. But neither of the people on Hannah Montana were actually named Hannah Montana.

They were just one person. Well, there was Hannah Montana and then her dad. Billy Ray Cyrus. Rowdy Montana. Was Billy Ray Cyrus the dad on Hannah Montana? Yeah. Wasn't he a dad on something else? Oh, yeah. He was.

He was a dad. It was like Dr. Country. Oh, he was on Dr. Country. Dr. Country, USSR. On like PAX or whatever. Yeah. He played Doc, he was on Doc. Dr. Country, USSR. On like PAX or whatever. Yeah. He played Doc... Doc Honkywood. That was one of those shows. The Billy Ray Cyrus Doctor Show was basically Walker, Texas Ranger in a hospital. Yeah.

I still like my name. Dr. Texas Ranger. Doc Honkywood. I mean, there's no such place as Honkywood. But if there is He's their doctor Yeah he's the only doctor in that village And they have to do everything they can

To save him Do you know that Hannah Montana At the height of its popularity That empire was worth a billion dollars I don't doubt it They had so much fucking merchandise Enterprise Miley Cyrus is a billionaire No she didn't own Hannah Montana I don't doubt it they have so much fucking merchandise Enterprise I guess so like

Miley Cyrus is a billionaire no she didn't own Hannah Montana no but at this point she's probably a billionaire she got a big cut yo she got a big what she got a big blut

big cut big blut um no she didn't make a dime off that big cut um she's dirt poor

what yeah she's brain dead I know that yeah she's not dirt poor. What? Yeah. She's brain dead. I know that. Yeah. She's not dirt poor. She's horrible taste. There's that.

No. She's got great taste, but... She's got that huge tongue. She's got impeccable taste. Yeah. Have you ever seen that picture of her side by side? It's her and Simple Jack. She's got a champagne taste, but a beer budget.

Simple Jack from... Tropic Thunder? Oh, man. It's hysterical. Okay hysterical she's wearing the exact same outfit she's got the same haircut as simple jack it's great look it up google.org next phone call hello dave graham and probable guests this is jeff calling from baltimore have a really quick overseeing for you i was driving to work today and was behind a dump truck which in large letters across the back simply read humping and dumping yeah love it if this truck's dumping don't bother well you could do either i guess oh nuts forget i said anything i got some truck nuts you know what i was thinking about truck nuts

the other day and they're more they're less anything else but gay like they're right like if if it was a thing in gay culture to hang a scrotum off of your car you wouldn't you'd be like i guess but the fact that it's more gross than anything well it is super gay is gross we can all agree on that but it is i don't know i just thought like it's a weird thing for guys who would probably not think that it was gay yeah to buy like if to buy a scrotum and hang it off of something yeah it's it's a long list of things that are super gay that are not gay yeah that's true but i just thought of truckness as being like let's add a mix martial arts yeah but yeah it's you're a step away from just like hey check out the size of this dildo I attached to my motorcycle if

guys did that like a unicorn like it was at the front like an even bigger one yeah I'm picturing it on the seat. Oh, what? I was picturing it on the back. So somebody has to sit upon it to make it go? Well, it helps. To make you go. I was just thinking it would be on the front of the motorcycle.

And people would just get bigger and bigger ones. And then they would joust. Yeah. But they're all like sloppy. Silicone. Why are they silicone? Because that's what they're made out of.

Did you know that? I thought they'd be made out of tin. Oh, sure. I mean the early artifact. Pushing tin. Not bad. Not bad? Really? Oh, sure. I mean the early artifact. Pushing tin up your butt. Not bad. Not bad. Really good.

Pushing tin up your butt. Three stars out of a possible three. What is this? The Michelin system? Of sexy puns? Here's your final phone call of 2014. I should tin up your butt. Hi, Graham and Dave, impossible, probable guest. This is Alistair calling from St. Petersburg, Florida. I was at the store on the candy aisle

picking out some candy, and a girl at the end of the aisle was shouting out to her friend who was down deeper in the aisle near me. And she said, oh, Kate is having twins. That's awesome. And the girl who was on the aisle said, oh, why can't that be us? And the girl down at the end kind of was a little puzzled. And she said, because we're a little kid.

Idiot. Raises a valid point. There were rumors that Kate Middleton was pregnant with twins. Oh, then they would have to fight for who gets to be king? Gets to be second in line for king. There's still a hierarchy. Why? What's the next?

They both come out at once. No, they do. One kid is still first. No, no, they come out at once. No, they do. One kid is still first. No, no, they come out at the exact same time. It's a hell of a vagina. Well, that's why you married her. That's the future queen of England's vagina.

Have some respect. She'll never be the queen. No. She'll never be royals. Royals. Royals. Royals. Well, now we should talk a bit more about that. Yeah, we should. A nice, fun pledge drive information and best practices. I just want to add to, let me be your ruler. You can call me Queen Bee

Good lord And baby I'll rule You both came in on the second one Who's the third? And baby I'll rule This is the kind of quality podcasting you're going to get Donate now at MaximumFun.org slash donate. And, you know, like we were saying earlier, if you've thought about it in the past,

that you had thought, oh, you know, I'd like to contribute to something in the new media enterprise kind of way. Because there are podcasts, and this is the way it works. I mean, sure, there's your giant podcast that are owned by Viacom. Yeah, Viacom. Oh, like, it's us versus, you know... The Omega cast. Yeah, sure.

Omni, Omnicorps. Weekly roundup of gadgets. Yeah. Are you still up against Maria Menounos? Yeah, we're up against... Chatting it up with Maria Menounos? Yeah, we're up against Maria Menounos. Yeah, and we're also, Bethany now has her own. Bethany's got too many casts.

Yeah, she's got so many podcasts. Skinny cast. Yeah, bitch cast. Skinny bitch talk. Anyways. Is that Bethany show still on? No, it got cancelled to make room for a podcast

she can commit fully to podcasts yeah exactly it's a Bethany dog world now if you want to donate to the show you can go over to MaximumFun.org click on donate there's all sorts of the pledge gifts that we mentioned before

for people who are new donors or people who are upping their donation. And we also have people who are like challenger donators so that when you donate, they're going to meet that donation. Every new donor that joins the ranks this year or increasing pledge or... Sure. Yeah. Will... Come Sure, yeah. Come on, Dave, you can do it. You get paid to talk for a living.

I could get paid more. Oh! But, no, I'm doing fine. Although, if you do not donate, just remember, you're stealing podcasts out of our unborn baby's mouth. And also, like Dave said, all of the podcasts are up for free forever.

So that's just something to consider in the hours upon hours of podcasts. I mean, barring... And you're constantly adding more. Barring a giant magnet. Oh, yeah. That's going to erase all the podcasts. Well, in which case,

you're probably going to have other things to worry about. Yeah, you got that... Like, where did my fridge go? Yeah, why is there an iron stuck to my butt? Yeah. Unplug it, unplug it. Oh, it's because I got all that tin up about. Yeah, you got that... Like, where did my fridge go? Yeah, why is there an iron stuck to my butt? Yeah. Unplug it, unplug it. Oh, it's because I got all that tin up there. Yeah.

But really, go to the website, MaximumFun.org, click on Donate Now. Do we explain the challenge donors enough? I think that's fine. Yeah, and you know what? Every level helps. If all you can afford is a very small amount, it's all appreciated. Yeah, $5 a month is... What do you spend on coffee a month?

More than that, probably. I don't know. I don't even know. I don't even keep track. And how many hours a month do you drink coffee? Less than you spend listening to us. Oh, wait. Yeah.

Too many numbers, Dave. I know. It's a real square one TV, rule of thumb style. But thank you so much to all the people who have donated. Absolutely. And thank you, everybody, who's going to donate and have donated. Yeah, we're thrilled that we get to do this. It's ridiculous yeah and that we

it it gets easier for us every like all the time this you the show used to be a such a hassle like yeah it was such a technical um uh whatever uh uh quagmire. Quicksand. We've been able to update our equipment. We've been able to just make the whole process easier. Your donations help go towards the guests.

We pay the guests now, which is cool. We're able to do that. Any donation you do is a and we were able to do that. So yeah, like, any donation you do Be cool, man. It goes back into the show and it makes the show better. And I do feel that the show has gotten better

over the last six years. Agreed. And congratulations you two guys. You guy and you guy. Maximumfund.org slash donate. Yes. Before we move on. Yeah. Thanks for being our guest, Abby.

Always a pleasure. Yeah. It's just great. It's just swell, you guys. I know. We wanted, we did really want to surprise you on the show, but we couldn't hold it back. Like we told you four or five weeks ago. Yeah.

I've been sitting on it. I didn't tell nobody. Nothing. I told my shoeshine boy. I tell him everything. Yeah. And he gives you information on some of the... Yeah, what crimes I'm investigating.

Yeah. Yeah. Stocks. Yeah. He loves squealing. Yeah. Like a pig. Yeah.

I don't know why I told him your secret, because he told everybody. Oh, no. Anyone who's got shiny shoes, you know they know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody goes to Pigeon Pete. Uh-huh. You see Pete?

You still with Pete? Yeah, he's a stoolie. Is there anything that you want to plug? You've got blogs. You're an Instagrammer. I have a very active Instagram account. You sure do.umka all lowercase all one word you can try uppercase it'll work i don't know it's all one word yeah um there's lots of pictures of grandpa yep there's lots of pictures of dumb stuff there's lots of pictures of my work yeah you do uh you'll uh you know

show all the boning you're doing at work. Yeah. Do you do boning at work? I was boning today. Yeah, that's what I do too. So yeah, really, that's it. I have a Twitter account, but I mostly just read

your tweets. Yeah. I don't really contribute. I just do it so I can read you and Dave and Charlie and Alicia and Paul. Fun tweets. The big five the mount rushmore oh yeah i did that thing today where i looked at my first tweet i looked at your first tweet yeah mine was um mine was still sort of uh using the

facebook model of is yeah is blank what was yours Nothing was the word nothing. Oh. Smartass. Mine was Dave Shumka is Gaysian at the stars. Yeah. Pretty good. That seems like something that's still past muster today. Yeah. Well, I don't have a plug necessarily for myself on my Instagram, but I do like to give a shout out to our sister podcast, One Bad Mother.

Yeah. It's been a great help. Oh, it's been a great help to you and your mother super entertaining your incumbent since i found out i was pregnant i started listening to one bad mother because i didn't really i didn't listen to it before because i just didn't think i had that much in common with them but now i am and they're great and you don't need to be pregnant to listen to one bad mother because biz and theresa are awesome there you go so thank you ladies it's been a pleasure and I can't wait to listen to more What a great plug

OBM Donate Oh man nice work You don't have anything to plug right Donate Maximumfund.org Oh boy that would be helpful If you like the show tell your friends

And come on back next week for another episode To stop podcasting yourself like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.