Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 316 - Warren Bates

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Warren Bates returns to talk diving bells, butterflies, and Greyhound buses.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 316 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the Stone Cold Steve Austin episode. Austin 316. Oh right. Yeah, you just got your ass kicked I think is what that passage meant.

I thought it was like, someone once told me it was do unto others before they do unto you. Before they do unto you. But wasn't it God so loved the world that he gave his his only uh wrestling yeah he drank his only two beers at the same time god so loved the world that he wore his only leather vest with no shirt underneath it uh my name is graham clark and with me as always is uh the guy who he knows the most about stone cold steve Austin, Mr. Dave Shumka. Here's what I know about Stone Cold Steve Austin. Actually, you know how on Facebook they will have ads on the right-hand side

that have just a picture of a girl's butt that says, want to get a new job? Yeah, need insurance? Yeah. But for a long time they had clear your criminal record, and it was a picture of Stone Cold Steve Austin in like a prison jumpsuit. From the movie Prison Wrestlers.

In every cafeteria there's just so many steel chairs. Where'd they get this ladder? Where'd they get this ladder? And our guest this week Very funny Improviser Actor Writer What would you say?

Improviser For sure Stand up Yeah Improviser Yeah Sketch comedian Sketch comedian

Mr. Warren Bates Is our guest I think Stone Cold's His thing was Come get me What? No I don't know. You can't catch me.

I'm the gingerbread man. I know Goldberg's was, who's next? That's all I... That was for the year. These were the year I watched wrestling. Yeah, I got out of wrestling before the bald people took over. Dave and I last... Was it last week that we watched the ladder match?

It was on... What was it? The former match, then the last. Was it last week that we watched the ladder match? What was it? The former match? It was Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels. Yeah, being a mullet off. Mullet off cocktail. Oh boy, should we get to know us? Get to know us. Now Warren, when was the last time that you were here?

I'm trying to think. There was something. We weren't in this room. No. Or we were, but it was a different room. Yeah, it changed spatially. I thought it was a completely different room. So what's new?

What's been happening? Oh, I've been performing improv with the instant theater yes and yeah uh and i have um i know also work at a uh restaurant a nerd bar tell us about this nerd bar because it's uh it's a new phenomenon like there weren't nerd bars a couple years ago, were there? I don't know. Where people go and... Tell us about it. You work at Poindexters.

Work at Poindexters. A place for pencil neck geeks. Yeah, it's got a lot of crazy crap on the walls that's, you know, like swords and... Sure. It's like a Highlander... TGI Sci-Fi Days. Yeah. Okay. swords and sure it's like it's like i'm like a highlander tgi sci-fi days yeah okay yeah exactly what is what it's called storm crow it's called the storm crow tavern and i don't know what that is in reference to edgar allen poe i think it's uh actually i know for a fact

it's uh gandalf's uh last, I think. Is Stormcrow? Gandalf Stormcrow? It's something like that. Okay, sure. Yeah, sure. I mean, A, if you work at McDonald's, you don't need to know... Who's Ray Kroc? I don't give a shit.

Yeah. Go ask them at McDonald's the origins of Grimace. Yeah, it was the birth of Jesus Christ. Grimace. Grimace Day. Yeah, it was the birth of Jesus Christ. Grimace. Grimace Day. Now, what goes on in the bar, aside from there being crazy crap on the wall,

what is the clientele like? Because I've never been in there, and I'm fascinated. They're all very interesting people. And then just, you know, you're regular people. Are they regular people? Yeah, no, there are. They have the best time. Aren't the regular people just Are there regular people? Yeah, no, there are. They have the best time. Aren't the regular people just there to spy on and slum with the... There are lots of heated debates about things that don't matter, I feel.

I'm in the kitchen, though, so I... Do they play that cantina song? Yeah. They have a jukebox with it. There's one someone walks up with a wizard staff and hits the jukebox are there people dressed in costumes

he's the coolest guy there he's just a normal person well everyone's a normal person Well everyone's just a normal person Yeah there's no actual nerds There's no jocks and nerds Well jocks and nerds are normal people No one's special Yeah there's no actual wizard is what we're saying

Oh Maybe you know something we don't While this was going on I googled it And it came up with Gandalf Stormcrow. Okay. Who's that? Are all the menu items?

Yeah. Like, what is a chicken finger? Also, are you going to get fired for talking about this? Yes, undoubtedly. No, this is free press! It really is. It's like the beef stew. It's like a barbarian beef stew.

It's just beef stew. But that's not nerds. Nerds would be afraid of barbarians, though. It should be like beef sulu. That's pretty good. Thank you. You should totally email the owner.

What are chicken fingers? They don't have chicken fingers What about chicken wings? Chicken wings Oh X-Wings Go Let's see What are the

Do you have any Darth Vader bites? Chewbacca salad Yeah Chewbacca salad Yeah Chewbacca salad sounds delicious Yeah It's good That's what it says on the menu What's

And then drinks You said they also have Romulan Romulan ale Which is what? I don't I don't know I don't know what it's actually in it

Okay I'm Yeah I don't know. I don't know what it's actually in it. Okay. Yeah. I try to leave it. I go in and make stew. Yeah. I listen to music. It's a long shift.

Stew's a slow go home. Yeah. I'm the stew maker. And then I go home. Yeah. And I, yeah, it seems like very interesting. Lots of artists, lots of people that, like, I met a sculptor the other day who sculpted for movies right okay nothing you were like what are you doing in the kitchen yeah what are you he's sculpting a thing of mashed potatoes i think

this means mashed potatoes uh potatoes uh you could do the Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Like, give them... Yeah, that's what I said. That's what I was referencing. You need to say the movie for me to catch on. Sculptor, mashed potatoes, there's really no other. Come on, come on. I can't think of another.

Did you see that thing where the forensic sculptor sculpted the face of what the skullhead vodka bottle would look like? Oh, okay. Did you see that? No. It was very cartoony. Like, they just took the skull and then using the same tools that they would use to recreate a face of a murder person yeah uh but it looks like a cartoon character the the face that they came up with and they did it all to specification so i wonder if it actually was based on a skull if it's just some random skull

or based on maybe someone killed garfield or something well i thought i was hoping that they would reconstruct and it would be Dan Aykroyd's face because that would have been, right? I guess, but how would he get his skull? Well, we don't know what Dan Aykroyd does in his spare time He takes off all his skin? Kills himself?

But can't you get x-rays? Can't you get x-rays of your skull and then do it that way? I don't know. I don't know these things I've never designed a bottle, ever. Except that Pammy for Virgin. Oh yeah, that's true. Failed miserably.

So you've got a new job. You've got a new place. Yes. You're a whole new world. I live in a house now. I live in a lot of basement suites. I don't mind telling lots of people. Why?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice to live above ground. Isn't it? You know? Less spiders, I bet. Yeah. Yeah.

I miss the spiders, though. Why? I don't. You should just get a pet spider. Well, yeah. I actually, I live with Nicole Passmore, who listeners would know. Past guests. You live in the... I live in the quote-unquote lady house.

Oh, right. That's right. So you're one of the gals? Or how does this work? What's the dynamic in the house? Yeah, when you get out of the shower, do you put the towel around your torso? I actually did a Sex and the City quiz. Okay.

And I'm Carrie. You're Carrie? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was going to be like trivia. Okay. And I'm Carrie. You're Carrie? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was going to be like trivia. No, no. I'd fail at that. I would think you were Charlotte if I had to pick. Well, thank you.

I was upset I wasn't. Yeah, you're no Carrie. You must have answered not truthfully to some of those questions. What is the appeal of Carrie? She's the most... Manolo Blahnik's. At the end of the day, it's not weather. I don't know.

And then she'd have a moral. Yeah, she would do, like, a Doogie Howser journal entry. Yeah. Because she was writing a journal for a living, I guess. Who are the four? There's Carrie. Yeah. Charlotte.

Charlotte. Charlotte's cutesy poo. Bianca. Beyonce. Noesy poo. Bianca. Beyonce. No, sex woman. In the city. The fifth character. There are so many people listening right now, they're screaming out.

Cynthia Nixon is what's-her-face. The red-headed one. Charmo. And then Samantha. Samantha. Samantha is the... She was the then Samantha. Samantha. No, Samantha is the... Oh, no. She was the sex bot.

Yeah. Darn it. Oh, oh. Lucille. Lanny. Lanny. Anyway, we know her whole deal. Terry.

What was her whole deal? Miranda. Miranda. Yes. Okay. You were like, it's some sort of rights. And she is, she's like, you know, sort of. She was the tight, you know, like the kind of anal retentive.

And she's like, ooh. Very grumpy. Ooh. Yeah. I think I'm the most her. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. You would be like, what would i be would i be a carrie i'm a carrie all right um and then yeah uh samantha's the sex like but what what who do women want to be i guess it's combination of all four i guess so yeah yeah but like what makes why is it car's story? Like she seems Because she happens to be the writer Yeah she's writing it all and she's like Just like how Watson happens to be there

With Sherlock Holmes So you're saying that the other three combined are like Sherlock Holmes They solve the crimes Of who has the biggest dick Or Miranda Or like The case of the big dick Is Miranda or like is having sex

with a raw food cook and a good Is it? Yeah, I think so. There was an episode where they were eating raw food. Really? They were ahead of the curve on that? They were ahead of the curve on a couple of things, no? I can't think of any, but I feel like

there was a whole gluten-free episode. Sure, yeah. They predicted the financial collapse. Yeah. Now, they did a thing that some series have done, and I don't understand, but it sounds like game of thrones is gonna do the same thing where they do the tv show and then they're like we're gonna wrap it up with a movie yeah and it's like ah this thing that was free before and now i gotta go i gotta go pay i guess you get it legally downloaded but uh you know entourage is doing it. X-Files did it.

Victoria Mars, Veronica Mars. Victoria's Closet. Veronica's Closet did it. The X-Files kept going, though. They were like, well, we're not done. We just want to do a movie right now. Yeah, and it was not... Oh, didn't Twin Peaks do it as well? Yep, Firewalk with me. Yeah, that's... I mean, it was not twin peaks do it as well yep fire walk with me and yeah that's I mean

it's not on it's it's not a new thing but it's I don't I don't I do I like it I mean Star Trek did yeah live from Hoth um so have you seen the Sex and the City movies or no

I've seen both the movies very little of the TV show you've seen the second movie second movie

is really bad it's like it's like what uh one of those things that it's so

bad it's good I've only seen the scene where they're being chased. And all of her condoms fall out of the... All of Samantha's condoms fall out of her purse while they're being chased. Her 18 vibrators. While they're being chased in Saudi Arabia or Abu Dhabi. Yeah, yeah.

And then all the men are like, what are you doing? What are these? And she says, I have sex. I have sex. And then she does. She's thrust her pelvis. She strikes a blow for womankind. Nice.

But then don't they meet the ladies? Oh, yeah. Who are veiled. And then the ladies are underneath. They have couture. Yeah. They're all wearing Manolo Blanc. That's the only thing Graham can name.

They're wearing Manolo Blanc. What are the ones that have the red shoe that has the red inside? Louboutin? Ah, there you go. I don't know. I don't know. I know that you need to have underwear on when you walk around the house. Oh, from living with girls. Does it not? Yeah. Do you not have to have underwear on when you walk around the house. When you walk around the house. Oh, from living with girls.

Do you not have to have full pants to walk around the house? You can walk around in underwear? They will walk around in towels. Why am I telling you? No, because I live in a house with one girl and I think the agreed upon rule is pants all the time.

Yeah. Does the girl have to wear pants all the time? Well, she's, yeah, we've never, there's no toweling. Nobody's walking around in towels in our place. We're all pretty. You are all pretty. It's exactly like New Girl. We're all like, hey, whatever.

Except you're the girl. We're really cool. Yeah, except I'm the lone female character. Can you just wear like a long t-shirt? Like Alvin? Like Alvin from Alvin and the Chills? Yeah, that's what I mean. That sexy look.

Yeah, with a matching baseball hat. With the letter of your first name on it. My color's purple. Wait, it's you and three girls? And then I have another roommate, Lauren, as well. So two girls. Two girls, a guy. Where?

A pizza shop. A pizza shop. This guy's so young, you don't remember two guys, a girl, and a pizza place. Yeah. Oh, no, it was a place. Pizza shop. Not a shop. Pizza store. you don't remember two guys a girl at a pizza place yeah oh oh no it's place pizza shop yeah ryan reynolds will be rolling over in his grave oh i like that movie where he's in a grave shoot yeah oh man wow um now what was that called buried Buried? Yeah. Grave man? Grave. Gravesters.

So is it fun to live with? Because I've never lived with the ratio where it's more women in the house than men. So is that a fun household? It's, yeah, it's fine. Are you afraid to say that it's not? I drink a lot more David's Teas than I would. I borrow a lot. It's a tea company.

Brand of tea. Brand of tea, very popular. Do you goss? Do you sit around? Yeah, what's the hot goss? Do you gab? No, I don't. Don't gossip.

What? I'm trying to put an end to it. Oh, really? One man tirade against. No, listen. Yeah, I suppose there is gossip. I don't think about it, though. What's big with girls these days?

Let me tell you, guys. Going to the mall. Yeah, flowers, teddy bears. There's a shop called Ardeen's. Ardeen's? Kingsgate Mall? Yeah. Kingsgate Mall.

Yeah. They like Mall. Yeah. They like when boys are nice to them. Oh, sure. Yeah. What do they say about us? Well, they both think you guys have sour attitudes. I don't know. There's a couple of Mirandas.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I lived there for a month, and I spent a lot of time in my room asleep. Okay. All right. Fair. Or I'm out. So there's not a lot of sitting around and-

Ouija boards. Ships in the night. Oh, Ouija board would be fun, though. Makeovers, make-unders. Yeah. I know. What is a make-under? When you make someone look worse?

Yeah, yeah. Where somebody's too glamorous. Yeah. Oh, right. You try to, I know I am what is a make-under when you make someone look worse. Yeah. Yeah, where's some of these two glamorous? Yeah, oh right you try to you know, like Beyonce could benefit from a make Yeah, you know she could hang out at the You know the neighborhood folk. Yeah, she she apparently were For to a vegan restaurant recently. So pretty cool. Are you? Why is that cool? I don't know. If you go to a vegan restaurant, are they going to...

I don't think... Are people going to inspect your shoes for leather? Yeah. That'd be a harder one. But if it's around your shoulders... I wear fur every day. Okay. Because every day I recreate that Macklemore video.

I only wear furs to intimidate the dalmatians that are in my neighborhood keep them in line and i wear furs to keep my friend luke skywalker warm at night yes and um the uh shit oh yeah beyonce apparently uh, she's one of these people that without makeup, she looks even younger than she is. One of these people. She's even better looking without makeup, is the thing. A lot of people take off makeup and you're like, ah! But Beyonce looks even better without it. So you're saying that she's a beautiful woman?

Maybe too beautiful. Make-under. This is what I'm thinking. Okay. So a make under for her would be adding more makeup. Like making her look like a special effects guy. Yeah. Like a different alien.

Yeah, like put on Danny DeVito's makeup from Batman Returns. Like that kind of thing. Sure. Make her look more like the penguin. I just downloaded this app called Whisper. And it is an app where people just post secrets. It's like that website, Post Secrets. But an app.

But it tells you, like, oh, someone within a mile of you just posted a secret. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. Do you know what the secret is? Well, the one that I got today was, hey, I'm bi-curious. Anyone interested?

He's confusing you with OkCupid. Yeah, it's supposed to be anonymous, so I guess there's a way you can contact people. I just... I cannot wait to download it. I downloaded it because i was whisper curious but i downloaded it yesterday and it's annoying because they send you things that are like hey here's something you might want to do a write a secret about oh like yeah that time well here's

what what they just sent me it said uh if you could freeze a moment in your life, what would it be? And why? I don't know. That Super Bowl I won, I guess. Probably that time I had that diving bell and butterfly disease for a hundred years. Why would you want to freeze that in time? Because you're already frozen in time? Just like double freeze it? So that might be the cure? Yeah.

If you double freeze it, it might undo it? Yeah. Oh. And you there, Warren? I don't know what the thing you said is, but I agree. Yes and. Yes. Some people live a moment to freeze a moment of their life like this. Oh, is that? Oh, i wonder if it's oh probably the

time i won american idol the first season oh yeah on second thought that dave used to go by the name justin garadidi yeah but he lost to clarkson yeah well everybody everybody loses to Clarkson eventually. Is there... That's what death is called. Losing to Clarkson. Is there just a catharsis in just typing out a secret at random and just putting it... Because for years there was a thing called PostSecret. You know PostSecret? Yeah, I think it still exists.

It would save us a lot of terrible tweets. What, PostSecret? Just like, oh, my life is dead bad. Yeah, but PostSecret is anonymous, as is this Whisper app. Tweets aren't anonymous. No. Unless you start up an anonymous account, just a bellyache. That bellyache.

I've never posted. Oh, it says start typing your Whis whisper and we'll suggest an image for you oh cool my butt is oops no but is crazy weird my butt is crazy weird what is the photo uh oh it's a guy uh playing drums and his butt is sticking out oh that would oh i thought he was playing drums on somebody's butt that would have been uh that would have been crazy give them time for the stock photos to yeah yeah to build up absolutely um i i don't know that i would do because you know what i'm afraid of it's the same thing with uh snapchat right because they say that you're uh the thing that you record yeah deletes yeah but now they've

revealed that it doesn't delete it gets stored somewhere but uh they you you just don't know where oh yeah so uh nothing gets deleted no nothing is ever deleted if you typed into there i defrauded a huge group of people the the app would store exactly whose number that came from. Dave! Do you think I can be locked up for having a crazy weird butt? Well, not locked up, but definitely seen for analysis. My butt isn't necessarily crazy weird.

I just don't think I understand it. It doesn't matter. They're going to bring you in like E.T. They're going to turn into a white shriveled up butt yeah because they want to see if your butt has any uh you know medicinal purposes yeah is that what they were doing to et he had any nutrients they were trying to see if he had medicinal purposes they had to they try to smoke them they put them they put them in a bag of rice to see if he'd wake up yeah what. What were they doing at E.T.?

Just tests? Yeah, they just wanted to see what's up with this guy. He's sick. I need to watch that movie again. Yeah, he gets super sick because he doesn't have an immunity to human cults. Yeah, and he's only been eating candy. He has not had any vitamin C.

I think if you rewatch the movie, you'll be like, oh, he's being taken care of by kids. Yeah. And they're feeding him candy, you'll be like, oh, he's being taken care of by kids. Yeah. And they're feeding him candy. Yeah, and then he gets diabetes. He's been sleeping in a closet full of stuffed animals. Yeah. I would get sick.

Yeah, sure. I hope they remake E.T., but they make Michael Bay somehow involved and puts weird nostrils on him. And makes him, instead of being an alien, a mutant. Oh, man, those Ninja Turtles don't look it. Yeah. It puts weird nostrils on them. And makes them, instead of being an alien, a mutant. Yeah. Oh, man. Those Ninja Turtles don't look great. No. Well, they themselves look good.

But the rest of the movie, I think. Yeah. They make it look good. I don't know. They look... They're making a new Ninja Turtles feature? Yeah. Feature, right?

Have you not seen the preview? No, I haven't seen the preview. I've seen pictures, but I didn't know what I was looking at. Yeah's gonna be i'm gonna i'm gonna go see it yeah go see it in the theater yeah absolutely first day i'm gonna put on my yeah my costume i'm gonna go with my friend casey yeah unrelated not casey jones it's a guy named Casey. And, yeah, I don't know. Like, there's no, they look weird, right? Don't they? I think they look fine.

These mutant turtles look weird to you? It's because they have weird nostrils. Yeah, it's the nostrils. It's the nostrils is the thing. Oh, okay. Because somebody then went on the internet and fixed them to make them look more like turtle faces, and it looked good. Yeah. Yeah, so, well, but why did they spend millions and millions of dollars?

Man, I should go hang out at that Stormcrow place. That sounds like the type of conversation that would be happening. Yeah, totally. And everyone would be pro-nostril. Nobody at Stormcrow. Nobody. The thing that's really crazy, I think Shredder is white, is the thing that I'm not happy about. What was Shredder before?

He's Japanese, yeah. Oh, look at these. I didn't notice, because I don't really see color. And Splinter is played by the... What I was going to say. Splinter's a mouse. Raven Simone. It's There's a mouse. Raven Simone. It's not even a mouse.

It's a sassy lady. Anyways. Dave, what's been going on with you? Oh, a hell of a lot, man. Yeah? No, not a hell of a lot. I saw a... Last week I talked about a couple of TV news stories I saw a last week I talked about a couple of

TV news stories I saw yes there's another TV news story I saw recently Dave you're keeping us in the loop yeah this was there was a story on the news about this woman who she

dropped her wedding ring or her engagement ring down the toilet and flushed it. You gotta. It smells. And then didn't notice until the next morning. She was doing something so spectacular in there. Here is what she said she does.

She says, every night I take out my gum and I put it down the toilet. And then I take off my rings and I put them in this little jewelry bowl next to the bathroom sink. And then I wash my hands and face and go to bed and brush my teeth and whatever. And then I woke up the next morning and I reached in the bowl and there was a piece of gum in there. And so I had mixed them up. But you're not, you shouldn't put gum down the toilet. No, no. First rule, don't be just throwing your gum just any which way.

And this woman had... She goes in everything's backwards. The remote control's in the freezer. The baby is in the... She's watched the windows with the stew. I did everything backwards yesterday. And she called the plumber. And the plumber was like,

Okay, well, it might not be gone. Once you flush your toilet, whatever's in your toilet only goes about 40 feet, which I found astonishing. I was like, I thought it was back in the, you know, back in whatever the waste in the water supply. Blew out into outer space. But like I thought it, everything you flush is like immediately back you know it joins the pipes but no it's it can still be in your pipe uh and this woman her wedding ring or engagement ring cut was twenty thousand dollars whoa and uh jesus so she so so the um the She had a plumber And he worked for five days

Jesus Oh you must have had to take Did he have to take apart the whole No he The way he did it was He had a camera on like a Snake And he put a hook on it

And he's like I'm seeing a lot of uh poo yeah oh and gum there's an awful lot of gum down here after he broke through the walls of gum but uh yeah it was something like five days and then eventually he he located it and he had to put a hook on the camera and then bring it back. Wow. And then you get your you know, your poop ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and you have to tell that story like, ooh, how much is it? No, never mind. I flushed it down the floor. She gives it to her daughter. Yeah. Spent a lot of time in poop. But it's like it's yours now

I mean uh Abby and I I bought her a ring but I don't think it is worth as much as uh five days of a plumber's time

no that's like a plumber's expensive yeah yeah and also uh you know it's like it's a fun story you know

I flush and then I buy you another one. Yeah. Like, also, why are you supposed to be, don't you just leave it on? Don't you only take it off when you're going to cheat? Yeah, that's what you do. Yeah, you leave it on all the time. You get tan line there and everything.

Because, like, the old wives tale is if you leave it on when you cheat, you might leave it in the person you're cheating on. Yeah, yeah. And then you have to get a special kind of plumber to go up there with a camera. I usually put my gum in there. There we go. Gross. Yeah, so that's news. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the... Also, you are dressed like Ned Flanders today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the... Also, you are dressed like Ned Flanders today. Okay, yeah, that's another thing. We're done talking about the thing? All right. Sorry, sorry. No, but it is true. It is funny that you wear the exact...

It's the right color palette and everything. That's very... I'm wearing a... I didn't notice this today. I'm wearing a green sweatshirt, crew neck. Yeah. A pink button-down collar shirt underneath and a pair of khaki pants.

Warren immediately was like, oh, you know you're dressed like Ned Flanders? Well, I didn't notice it. If Warren didn't say it, I wouldn't say it. No one noticed it all day long. Or maybe people did, but they were like... It's a real Flanders. They're like, okly-dok my mom uh she lost her wedding ring and uh had to tear apart the

whole house looking for it oh uh because she had no idea where it went, and it was totally, like, two feet away from where exactly it had gone missing. Yeah. But, yeah. Why didn't you just call it? Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a new, there's an app now that whispers back to you. My idea. I'm in the toilet.

I spend a lot of time in the toilet. My idea was always, I don't know if TV's ever got these, but you know how you always lose the remote? Yeah. You know how a cordless phone, you could just hit the base and it would start beeping the phone? Yeah. Mine was if there was a button on the TV that would locate the remote control. But did that ever happen? Now, the remote control I have isn't actually for the

tv it's now you could just change the channel with your phone right probably yeah you just i have a watch i wear i wear two watches one to tell time one one that i flush down the toilet i wear an ornate headband to concentrate on what channel i want yeah i have to think about yeah but i have to think so hard. Yeah, and sometimes it gets confused between AMC and Turner Classic. And then I start

getting the shakes. Yeah, the old movie channel. I don't want to watch Mad Men. I don't want to watch Rubicon. Yeah, no, I use a diving bell. Did you just watch that movie? I never watched that movie. You couldn't pay me to watch that movie? I never watched that movie

You couldn't pay me to watch that movie I bet you I could pay you It's about a guy who blinks his story What if I paid you $50? You would watch it for $50 No I wouldn't $50? How long is that movie?

An hour and a half probably I mean, okay, here's my hourly rate For watching a movie I don't want to watch $100 an hour In this economy? In this to watch. $100 an hour. In this economy? In this economy and including fractions of an hour. Oh, wow. So even the fraction is $100?

So it'd be $200 or $150. Okay, no, I changed it. It's now, after 90 minutes, it goes, I immediately round up to the next hour. If Julian Schnabel is involved in the movie, my rate doubles. I don't know who that is. He's the guy who directed Diving Bell and the Butterfly. He's got very fixed rates. I wouldn't say they're fair rates,

but they're fixed. But you know what? Look around at other people. Yeah, you're right. We're going to shop. You get what you pay for. Go see if there's someone else. All right.

Warren and I are going to shop around. That's your prerogative? I guarantee you We're going to shop. You get what you pay for. Go see if there's someone else. Lauren and I are going to shop around. That's your prerogative? I guarantee you'll come back to me. I know somebody who'd probably do it for $30. We watch The Diving Bell and the Butterfly? Maybe not that one. No, that's the movie. That's what's on the table.

I mean, I think Dave might have a point there. Yeah, so we're probably looking at at least $400. I would tell you right now, I would watch it. You've watch a real mess here uh i would watch it for fifty dollars the whole thing fifty dollars and i would uh no snacks no breaks straight through fifty dollars can you sorry no snack breaks or no snacks or no snacks no breaks just just the diving bell butterfly. No one's going to say you can't have a snack. Oh, well, if that's what the person who's paying me wants, I want this to be as painful as possible. Oh, if I'm watching this movie,

I'm getting snacks as well. You're paying me $200 an hour. Not on my business card. I get a bucket of popcorn. You can have Orville Redenbacher's microwave popcorn, but not a bucket. It's like a babysitter. In a bowl. Anything in the fridge.

In a bowl. Is it a bowl I can cut a hole in the bottom of? No, we need this bowl back. It's a clear bowl, though, so you can squish your wiener against the bottom. That's pretty good, too. That's safer, I feel. It's a nicer way of being perverted. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a... It's like, I wanted to show it, I didn't want you to touch it. A glass prophylactic. And you can have a soda, but only from the SodaStream. We've got a SodaStream machine. Oh, cool.

I've never used one. Yeah, you can have, but none of the bottled stuff. You can't even up the combo? Is it flavored? Yeah, it's flavored. Are those SodaStream ones, are the flavors like generic root beer, or can you get like, you know, Dr. Skipper? You're doing the Italian...

Molto bene. Mozzarella? Yeah. Mozzarella soda? Mozzarella soda. Can you get like a... I can't even think of an italian soda a cilantro a cilantro italian it's like nachos

and uh yeah yeah yeah Nachos. Nachos grande. Molto nachos. Chalupa. Abandono. Oh, you guys. I went for Mexican food. That's why they were angry at me, right? Yeah. Because I kept doing that.

Only got it now. Only included it now. I would watch that movie if I got to also clean my room or do chores. No, no. This is a sit down in a theater by yourself. There's a theater now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have to get a print.

I've rented out a theater. Don't you worry about the details of that. I just need somebody to watch it. You're willing to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars a lot of money that i but you're but you're negotiating with me on my rig oh yeah yeah yeah absolutely because i didn't get all this money by nothing i inherited it you uh you spent a night in a haunted diving bell yeah with a ghost butterfly if you watch this movie you get the mansion yeah yeah yeah

but you have to watch it the whole time you can't think about anything else you can't think about anything else how do you monitor that oh i'll have those little brain the suction cup things my mind wanders in a movie although sometimes it just wanders about oh this movie sure sucks and you wander right back to the movie. What do I know him from? That's mostly how it wanders. Yeah. And then it's usually like,

ah, the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was Brad Pitt. His famous actor. Yeah, so that's, we'll work out the details. What's going on with you this week?

I, uh... I went to Kelowna, B.C. over the weekend. Now, I don't... You spent a couple weeks in Kelowna, B.C. one night. Exactly. I don't usually... When usually I'm called to an out of town gig there's always an opener that I will go with

that has a car because I don't have a car so usually that's kind of the deal and this time there was no opener it was just me so I had to take the bus to Kelowna it's a 4 or 5 hour it is a 6 hour voyage

I thought it was a 4 hour voyage, but no, it is six. Because driving there, four hours-ish. Stopping for every single, like, stop. Yeah, and also a bus just moves slower than regular cars because it is heavier. Do you stop on the way? You stop in Abbotsford. You stop in Chilliwack. Are these, like, brakes or to let people on let

people on yeah and yourself off if it happens yeah you stop in uh merit which is a country western town i guess yeah they do have murals of alan jackson yeah that's it says on the way into town there's a billboard of johnny cash come check out our country walk of fame and then the next thing says check out our murals uh but it doesn't say what the murals are of and i didn't get to do either just a smoke a smoke break yeah and does everyone on the bus smoke the driver portion of them got out and smoked a lot of people got on bought some pringles uh there was here's the thing you get on the bus you have two seats to yourselves because there's only 12 people to get on at the first stop and then it's russian roulette the rest of the time are you gonna

have somebody sit down next to you try to look the least attractive i did i did my best and what's your strategy what how do you make yourself seem unappealing because i don't make eye contact i see you and i i think you're my next victim fair enough there was i think you have to you avoid eye contact and you also put shit on the seat next to you like not like literal yeah. You put a wedding ring on top. That was a gross episode. But you put something next to you because then the person has to go, oh, is somebody sitting here? And wait for you to move the thing. So if there's somebody that just...

And in moving things, you have to go, fine. Well, you're not supposed to... If you don't make eye contact, they can't ask you to move. Yeah, they're like dracula's so my strategy worked three stops along the line it was pretty good and then this uh this this kind of guy that was like do you know the baby huey that comic strip was like no i only know it from a tommy boyade refers to Chris Farley as Baby Huey. Yeah, so he was like a teenager that was like a Baby Huey.

Got on and so overgrown, like an overgrown, oversized. Over sexed. Yeah, and he sat next to me and he was already like, ooh, this is going to be tight. What is three stops in? How far are you? We are only in, we're in Chilliwack. Okay. And he gets on and he smells, he smells like a teenager.

And not like teen spirit, though. Right. It's a mop bucket, I believe. And then he had the most hilarious snacks, like bus snacks. Because, you know, usually it's somebody who's like, okay. So when you say teenager, do you mean like 13 or 18? 18. Okay.

But really, like, picture a guy whose limbs are still kind of way too long for him. Yeah, just a real... And his snacks were a bag of movie theater popcorn. Oh, like garbage bags? He had just seen a movie? No, I don't think just seen. I think maybe the day before he had seen it was like, save this for the bus. And a Wendy's hamburger in a Ziploc bag.

Fresh or from the day before? Maybe from the day before. Hard to say. And then the yogurt with no spoon. He used a finger to eat his yogurt. Oh, you've got to use little bits of popcorn. I was going to say on the burger. Yeah, anything but what he was doing would have been correct.

And then he fell asleep, and he fell asleep fully on me. And he was very big. That's the problem with kids of today. They're always falling asleep on you. And then he would wake up and realize that he had been doing that and didn't apologize, and then would go right back to it. So how would he realize it? Huh?

Yeah. It's almost exactly. The? The, the, the, the, the, the, the. Just, yeah. So. Oh, I am so, so, so tired. Yeah.

Wow. Look at you. You're a pillow. Yeah. Yeah. So. You're super drool absorbent. And then, oh, what was funny, because he got, before you go into Kelowna, there's a place called the West Side or the West Bank. Oh, yeah.

No, I forget what it's called. I think it might be West Bank. Yeah. And so half of the bus gets out there, and this guy had the hottest mom. Oh, yeah? Yeah. His mom was there to pick him up, and I was like, whoa. So this guy's got all sorts of challenges, you know? We are a trash cast this week. Well, I can't help it.

I was on a bus for 12 collected collected hours makes you a trashy human being right oh i used to go from uh i lived in saskatchewan for a long that's where i grew up yeah i come out here to visit and it was a 24 hour ride oh boy yeah it was on a bus where a guy got his head chopped off right yeah yeah yeah yeah it was one of those long haul near is like it would have been where like somewhere along that it was right before uh yeah but like 24 hours what are you doing in the kind of eight hours span that you're not asleep like i assume that you're sleeping for 16 of those of sleeping. Sleeping on a guy. It's more comfortable than an airplane. Yes.

But not much. Closer to the ground. But, like, there's more leg room, too. Yeah. And there's a toilet. Right? Most airplanes don't have toilets. Yeah.

I honestly don't. I push it pretty far out of my memories. Yeah. It's tough, right? Yeah. Yeah, I honestly don't. I push it pretty far out of my memories. Yeah. It's tough, right? Yeah. It's a rough mix of people often. What? I don't know.

I would disagree. I think they were all delightful. Yeah, including my seatmate, who was so nice. Maybe just the times I've gone. Absolutely. It's all people that i was like how many of these people are carrying uh weapons probably it's a 50 50 the bus driver always seems to be appeasing smokers or the driver's always like man we're gonna have a smoke break so you hang in

there unfortunately you can't smoke here right now i'm so sorry yeah although i will stop if any of you threaten to kill me, which is bound to happen. Also, isn't it like most of the people are either getting out of prison or visiting someone in prison? Yeah, well, I was on the prison to prison. Wait, where is everyone wearing orange and in handcuffs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what? At any point did the bus stop on a train track and Harrison Ford jump out?

No, I jumped out. There was no Harrison Ford, but I get where you're going. I didn't kill my wife. It was the one-armed man. Yeah. Look. Tell me that again. Oh, I didn't kill my wife. I don't care.

As long as I clapped. Okay. me that again oh i i didn't kill my wife i don't care um okay but the uh yeah the the one thing i do like about the bus is the bus drivers still wear the uniform they still wear like a greyhound like gray with like the the badge on it and like a canadian flag badge on it it's like it's like deserving for no hat but i bet you that's an option i bet you like our shorts an option uh maybe in the summertime i'd love a short suit yeah like a guy from acbc yeah like a little little bus school boy little angus young driving a bus sexy little angus highway to hell ooh not bad yeah car theme but I don't know I think that's cool

that they've got the old timey uniforms still with the tie are they allowed to have I know that a lot of uniforms you can't have beards

they can have beards though bus drivers? yeah yeah our driver up there had a beard and the guy on the way back

did not he was a funny bus driver we got the funny bus driver on the way back. Okay, yeah. On the way there you got the strict bus driver. Did anyone start singing The Lion King? The whole entire... Why would that

happen on a bus? Oh, because the cast of The Lion King was on a plane. There's like a video. Like a bad, like a down market cast. Right? Yeah. Yeah, the ape king.

It's not as... Slapshot on ice. Did anyone, were there any characters from Simon and Garfunkel's America? Yeah, there, that's, yeah. Oh, yeah. I said, be careful, his bow tie is really a camera no bow tie and then wasn't what's the other one that man with the something coat is a spy the man with a gabardine suit is a spy there's nobody with a gabardine yeah he's, he's the one in the bow tie. Okay.

Same guy, same guy. That guy never made it. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, no. He didn't make it, yeah. Anyway, so that's what I did. I went to Kelowna on a bus. I'm sure I'll talk more about it on the next episode because there won't be much that will have happened

to me in this 24-hour span. Well, you never know. For the listener, we may be recording the next episode tomorrow. So you may hear more about my ventures to Kelowna. To be continued. Should we get down to a bit of business? Yeah. Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, that's right, Dave. They got a simple drag-and-drop interface, and they offer 24-7 support. Who is this again? This is Squarespace. Wait, what? Dave, they've advertised on our show before. Don't play possum with me.

Possum is dead, right? Yeah, don't play possum with me, Dave. Dude, possums emit a dial tone when they die? Yeah, somebody hang up that Possum. Hey, Graham. Yeah? Here's the thing about Squarespace. Go on.

You want the 411 on the double S? Yes, please. Squarespace, what they got now, they've got this logo generator. Uh-huh. Where you don't need to hire some designer. Some bigwig from downtown. Some phony baloney, hot to trot designer. Yeah.

What you got is use their logo creator. Uh-huh. And you create a simple logo design yourself in minutes. How many minutes? I mean, 500 minutes. I mean, anything, the universe can be calculated in minutes how many minutes i mean five five hundred minutes like i i mean anything the universe can be calculated in minutes oh that's absolutely true no less i guarantee it'll be less minutes than 500 um now if you want a free trial and 10 off your first purchase go to squarespace.com and enter the code spy squarespace aarespace. A better web starts with...

Your website. The problem with the web... Not enough of your website on it. Yeah, that's right. Now, Graham, we also have a couple of shows that we want to mention. Yes. We will be... Here's...

Well, we don't know all the details. No, we're going to be in Portland on the 25th of April. That is with Jordan Jessico. Yeah, that's right. We are their guests. Yes, and we are going to be in Seattle on the 26th of April. Maybe I hear the blues of Colin. Does Alud and Scramble Eggs.

And then in Vancouver on the 28 28th, with those guys. We don't have the details on tickets just yet. Yeah. We may never. Yeah. But keep your ear to the ground. And by the ground, I mean MaximumFun.org. You know, check that website twice daily.

Sure. Check that website time daily. Do you want to move on to overheards? Yeah. Hey, feeling lonely? My name's Jesse Thorne. My name's Jordan Morris. Do you want to listen to a program where two good friends get intimate with amazing guests like Maria Bamford, Rob Corddry, and other comedy superstars? Jordan Jesse Goh is here for you.

Every week, we'll spill our guts for you and then make some jokes. Jordan Jesse Goh, free at MaximumFun.org. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the Risk Podcast, a proud member of the Maximum Fun family. If you've never heard Risk before, you've got to check it out. Risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share in public. Stuff you could never hear on NPR. This is where

writers, comedians, and people of all walks of life drop the act and get as raw and real as it gets. You know you love stories. Why not check out the show where you'll hear the most unforgettable ones you've ever heard? Check out Risk today.

We are free on iTunes, of course, and we're at MaximumFun.org or at Risk-Show.com. Risk! Overheard. Overheards, a segment in which when you're out in the public, walking around. Or private. This is going to happen in private.

Well, absolutely. It might happen in private. Public property, private property. Government property. National parks. Yeah, yes. Absolutely. Space.

The Final Frontier. We always like to start. Wait, let's finish the whole thing. No, go ahead. Keep going. These are the Star Trek Enterfries. Brand new life, a new civilization. It's the Star Trek Enterfries?

Enterfries. That's the dish of the Stormcrow. Oh, yeah. All right. Oh, that's pretty good. Starship. Starship Enterfries. Yeah.

It's a potato dish. Chips with fries. It's not fries. It's fries on top of potato chips. Oh, what? It's delicious. Yeah, it's the starch ship. The starch ship enterprise.

Guys, we just won. We just won nerds. Now, you, Warren, you are the first person who's going to read an overheard. If you would. Or recite or remember. But you have your phone out, so I'm assuming you're reading this. To be honest, I've been listening in when I shouldn't. I've been really, really trying.

Even at the restaurant I work at, I've been trying to get, and I couldn't, I haven't been able to hear much. But this morning, I read this on a bus, on the side of a bus. And this is more of an overseen, but it made me laugh. So, it's just a real estate ad. And it has this really kind of bitchy looking lady on it. She's not even smiling. She's just really serious. And it says, blank, the only name

to know in Vancouver real estate. But the name is Anthea. Oh, Anthea Poon! Is that what it is? Anthea, the only name to know in Vancouver real estate. And I thought, change your name. She does, she had

bus ads that, in Vancouver buses, there's something called Poetry in Transit, where local poets will be selected to have one of their poems displayed on a poster in the bus. That's right, poets. And this woman, Anthea Poon, she had a takeoff on that called Anthea in Transit. So she did a spoof? A poon spoof? Yeah.

But it wasn't Poon in Transit. We should all be so lucky. I hate our podcast. Seems like a war on Faith Moves Houses is what I thought it was. Oh, yeah. Faith Moves Houses moves houses, is what I thought it was. Oh, yeah, faith moves houses. Oh, is that a... That's another real estate person. Yeah, she's a blonde.

What was Anthea's slogan? The only name to know in Vancouver real estate. It just says Anthea. Man, real estate seems like a good gig. You do get to have your face on the bus bench. Yeah, it does. Houses cost so much here that it's like... It's all one.

Yeah, you can make so much money. And you also get that low... It is like a low-grade celebrity, right? Because if you saw Anthea Poon, you'd be like, Oh my God, oh my God! Drop your wallet yeah when i was in my mid-20s and i was kind of like listless and i didn't have a job and i didn't know what i wanted to do uh my friend whose uh mother is a uh a real estate agent she she said to me um you know you should go into real estate because the best and brightest

do not go into real estate if you're like of average intelligence you can do great yeah yeah it's uh it's funny because i don't know who does go into it but it's the type of people who go into it right like it's not when you watch those real estate shows, it's not some stunning intellect. It's somebody, there's a bathroom, and there's another bathroom. That's my impression. Goofy is in real estate. That's funny, because, yeah, maybe I should go into real estate. Now, before we started up this segment, you'll remember that in the first segment I talked about

Whisper the app and I posted a picture that said my butt is so crazy my butt is crazy weird and then I got an instant message from a gentleman and it said my dick looks fat

is or looks it looks it's not I just ate a big meal My dick looks fat. Yeah. Is or looks? Looks. Yeah, it's not. It just looks. I just ate a big meal. He's got dick dysmorphia. And he sent me a picture of it.

Yeah. And then I wrote back and said, it's okay. And now he's continued to write back to me. Yeah, now you're in a relationship with this guy. He wrote me back and said, this is anonymous, this whole app. That's the point. Oh, yeah. Sorry, we just had a problem with the recording. He wrote me back and said, how old are you?

And I wrote 17.99999. And then he wrote, pick? With a question mark? Like, do you want to send me a picture? And I said, just got the app, don't know how. Nice work, Dave. And then he wrote, click on camera icon. Now take a picture of your crazy butt.

Now I'm writing, then what? I'll let you know what happens next. To be continued in Dave's Whisper Adventure. Oh, man. Here's my overheard this week. Is it time for that? Yeah, absolutely. My overheard is this guy on Whisper.

Is it time for that? Yeah, absolutely. My overheard is this guy on Whisper. It is, I was, Abby and I went out for brunch on Sunday because we're fancy. Yeah, you're upwardly mobile. No, we're up before 10 a.m., which is when you have to get up to get a table at a restaurant. I'm up all night to the sun. You're up all morning to have brunch yeah um so uh we're at the table well it's a the place we go to has uh really long tables um

but they they're really good about spreading people up they're not like hey it's communal everyone sits on everyone's lap. Pass the honey. So there were people sitting a little down from us. It was two guys. And they were like, well, one guy was talking about a pair of chaps. And the other guy hadn't heard of it. And the guy was like, oh, yeah, they're like the things cowboys wear over top of their jeans. They just go down the sides.

And the other guy was like, oh, like assless chaps. And this guy said, well, assless chaps is redundant because all chaps are assless. So he was suddenly the expert in chaps. Yeah. And I don't think that's true, is it? I think so. Because otherwise they're pants. If you put an ass on chaps. Yeah. Assed chaps. And I don't think that's true, is it? I think so. Because otherwise they're pants.

Like, if you put an ass on chaps. Explain what chaps are to me. Let's recreate this. Well, could you have chaps that had butt flaps? Yeah. Flap.

No, because they're chaps. They're just for the front of the pant. And what is their purpose? You're from cowboy country. I think it's literally because of riding a horse would just wear out the

jeans super fast. So they're like leather. But they go on the inside of your jeans? Yeah. They're not like another pair of pants that you pull over. I thought they go on the outside of your... They're on the front and on the inside. But they're not on the back. They're not on the outer leg. They're on the front and on the inside. But they're not on the back.

They're not on the ass part. That's all I know. I think they're also just aesthetic. I think they're just like a look. Like those fancy cowboy shirts. Or a cowboy hat. A lot of the stuff. Spurs.

A lot of the stuff they wear. No, Spurs are... Okay, here's an update on Spurs. Okay, alright. He said, click on the camera they wear. Okay, here's an update on Spurs. He said, click on the camera icon. I wrote, then what? And then he wrote, camera. Send him a picture of Warren.

Yes, please bring that into my life. I'm going to play dumb for a while. Alright. Graham, do you have an overheard? I do. Mine is involving me directly. gonna play dumb for a while i think i'm all right okay uh graham do you have an over i do my uh mine is uh involving me directly uh this uh overheard uh yeah past guest uh ivan decker very handsome young man and after comedy shows he's like a he's like a six no he's like a fat he's like a fat dick yeah um. He looks. He looks like one.

Yeah. After shows, a lot of times, girls will pay him attention. And I was standing with him in the parking lot after a show. And these two girls came up, and they were just all over. Oh, you're so funny. You're such a funny. You're so funny. And then one of the girls said, and you were funny.

You were funny you were funny too with your smelly beard a comment of your smelly beard yeah yeah yeah okay yeah that's what she said she said she said to you and you but that was that wasn't based on any did you say my beard stinks like during your set were you like and my smelly beard okay so she that phrase was completely of her. She made that up. And also she made up that it smells, which it doesn't.

But she. How can I make this guy feel so chill? And also, yeah, that's what she thought was funny about me. I don't know that it doesn't smell. I mean, if you stuck your nose in it, it might. Yeah, but I put conditioner in it every day. And I put beard oil it doesn't smell any worse than that head of hair i guess but you know i'm telling you don't smell

i know i have a i have a short beard yeah and sometimes like i'll uh uh get some of it in my mouth like i'll uh you know yeah yeah you know pull pull my whole lower lip in my mouth that tastes different than the rest of my face. But are you doing anything? What are you just putting soap on it in the morning? I put soap on a rope. Yeah. And then what?

No soap radio. No, what do I do? No, I use face wash. My beard's not long enough to require any kind of, you know. What do you do? What's a good time to be here? Dandruffy. I use facial scrub.

What do you use? You got Neutrogena? Yeah, Neutrogena for me. Oh, yeah. Well, a man's got different face needs. Yeah, different pH. A man's got a scrub.

No, but... It's pH balance for a woman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, I don't don't know yeah just soap or shampoo or whatever is happening shampoo just whatever's in there yeah just grab whatever yeah lady stuff i just you know what i live with ladies so many shampoo bottles smelling real good

yeah do they share do they all have their own private uh private shampoo one roommate has a pirate bathroom a pirate bathroom. A pirate bathroom? Awesome! Oh, sweet. Yeah, walk the blanket to the tub. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a good time. Yeah. Shiver those timbers. Yeah. No, I have one other. I share the washroom with one roommate, and there are lots of hair straighteners. Do you use the same? It's different and new and fun.

And what does she put in there do you guys use the same fundamentally the same products you used as um growing up like i've always used just a bar of zest soap i do still use an irish spring uh for for my soap needs my hair my hair needs have evolved over time yeah because uh because you lose it as you get older so i have to use a uh a volumizing spray yeah i have to use volumizing spray i have to use a vulcanizing spray i have to use a sifter through a sugar sifter anyways it's a lot of... It looks delicious by the end, though. Like cotton candy.

FD's a detangler, a retangler. Do you ever, like... A wrangler. Do you ever get, like, a... Assless chap. Egon Spangler. Have you ever gotten, like, a high-end bathroom product? You're like, oh, this is, like, a fancy oil or, like, liniment.

Oh, yeah. Someone gave me some hand cream, some really expensive hand cream for Christmas, and I haven't used it yet. You're saving it for when your hands are special? For when the war happens. Yeah, yeah, or like put a note on it. I'm going to give it to my son for his wedding.

To be used during my funeral. Put this all over my body when I die. Is it my responsibility to get this guy off on whisper yeah yeah absolutely what's the update has he i haven't written anything back um just say i'm in a committed butt relationship right now my butt and i are in a committed i'm just gonna write no speaky there you go no speak he should probably seal it up no speaky english no write that you're chris hansen write that you're christian yeah write all those things you know speaking that you're chris hansen no speaking english chris hansen christian no graham is that all the overheards no sir we also have written

in overheards if you want to write one in you can write in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Neil S. in San Francisco. This is shopping in a somewhat fancy New York store. Okay. Saks Fourth Avenue. Yeah, exactly. This is a guy and a girl talking. Guy, do you think a guitar strap is too personal a gift for your dad? Girl, hmm.

Guy, it's the same one John Mayer uses. Girl, angrily, I don't know why you're so in love with John Mayer. Oh, man. Okay, so he's asking for her dad. yeah it's from him from him okay so yeah you there might be a question of being too personal but for your own dad it's not a quite like would you be worried about it's too personal for the man who brought me into this yeah yeah but a guitar strap is not a personal item. It's not, you know what I mean?

This guy is overthinking it. Yeah. Or like, he knows that dad likes guitars, but he doesn't, he's never mentioned, tried talking to him about guitars. But he's always dropping

his guitar everywhere and he's like, does he know that guitar straps exist? He just holds the guitar close to his body? Yeah, and then, then when he lets go,

it just falls on the stage. When he goes for a drink, oh no. Fulnette can be more like John Mayer. Yeah. Your dad loves John Mayer, right? John Mayer has done very well for himself, despite his limited success and appeal. He's done very well. He's been around in the long run.

He's been with a lot of very pretty ladies. That much is true. Well, he's got a very fat-looking penis. Wait. Can you ask him if he's John Mayer? Excuse me. Is your body a Wonderland? Your penis looks like Natalie from Facts of Life.

No, he has done well. He's got one song you can name. Yeah, Body's a Wonderland. Was he waiting on the world to change as well? Oh, yeah. Two. Two hit songs. Two adult contempo hits.

He did that really, really funny sketch with Dave Chappelle on The Chappelle Show. Oh, yeah. Where they played different musics. And that's literally, that's all I can name. He's a very, very good stand-up comedian. Oh, yeah. Didn't he stand up? Yeah. Yeah.

But, like, he's been around, like, in some form or another. He is a watch blogger. He blogs about expensive wristwatches. Does he? Yeah. Time pieces, as they say. Here are the five Rolexes that you should get starting out and they're all under $8,000 was a blog

you know is he kind of like Gwyneth Paltrow but of a male version yeah yeah yeah he seems oblivious did they ever were ever an item? I don't think so. I think she was before him. She might now, though. Now that she's consciously a couple. Yeah, but she was sort of, like, famous before him. Oh, I see. He was sort of, well, you know what? They're still tied.

There's no reason they wouldn't have. Yeah. Whatever I said was wrong. But his last person that he was connected to was Katy Perry, right? Yeah. And now she's with she was somebody crazy now isn't she with like the guy that inspired um what was that movie spring breakers and uh james franco's character was inspired by like a real riffraff not yeah riffraff is that the guy katie per and Riff Raff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I heard. Well, she certainly has a type.

Loser? Big time loser? I don't know. Or scuzzy? I don't know. Russell Brand is sort of not too many steps away from a Riff Raff. No, Riff Raff is just like a more committed Russell Brand, I think. Russell Brand is like Riff Raff light.

Yeah, Russell Brand is like Riff Raff. So what's the next step? Legit riff-raff. Yeah, this is the next step. Riff-raff is it. Now I want to know. Oh, a Martian. She's going to date an alien.

I'm Googling this riff-raff. Katy Perry connection? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I would, too. I also don't like the K-A-T-Y spelling. Yeah. She does a lot of stuff that I like.

She does a lot of stuff I don't like. I'll dance to her music all night. Katy Perry spotted with Riff Raff. Yeah. Okay. Pop star Katy Perry dating rapper Riff Raff after one month split from John Mayer. See? Gross, right?

It's very gross. Yeah, absolutely. This next overheard comes from Josh S. in Pittsburgh. My 10-year-old son was playing Luigi's Mansion. Do you guys know this game? I'm guessing a Nintendo. Yep. And it's like a ghost thing, right?

Yeah, you go in different doors and there's ghosts. You played this thing? Yo, you play Luigi's Mansion? I've seen it on TVs and windows. You haven't worked up the courage. I wanted it. I stood out in the cold and the snow and seen it. Your roommates won't let you get it.

Yeah, my roommates won't let me play. So he's playing. My 10-year-old son is playing Luigi's Mansion and his two-year-old brother is watching him. At one point, Luigi gets a giant key and shoves it in his backpack, to which the two-year-old says very matter-of-factly, Luigi put the key in his butt. Yep. You're not wrong, kid. The idea of you waiting outside in the cold watching people playing a video game reminded me of when we bought Rock Band. Oh, yeah.

And I was out in the cold watching you. Which, by the way, is collecting dust out in the laundry room. The drum set. But it's a giant box full of drums and guitar and stuff. and guitar and stuff. And these... I feel like it was... It must have been during Christmas because it was vacation times

because there were foreign children chasing us through the mall. They were like, Rock Band! Can we come and play Rock Band? They seemed Italian. Like from Mexico. Yeah.

And they had keys in their butt. This last one comes from Lindsay J. She was at a music camp in the summer. And lots of late nights, lots of jamming and various amounts of alcohol. One morning on the bulletin board, there was a note that read, Lost. iPhone 4. Last seen in a very large bag of pretzels.

I only saw it in a... I saw a phone in a medium bag of pretzels. Yeah, I saw one in a bag of Cheetos, so it probably wasn't yours. I'm pretty good at all in all. I mean, that's what happens at a party right if you remember it and your phone still works you weren't really there man oh i saw somebody using a phone that was so smashed okay like i've never you know like there's people like it'll have giant cracks on the screen but it still works and so it's like

okay that's still your phone this one was smashed and there was a whole chunk busted out of it you could see the electronics inside oh wow I was like it was like still working like steampunk phone it was crazy I've never seen a phone that damaged and still work and still be somebody's like property yeah it shows how we how much people need them yeah but also like just don't drink like if you drink like take leave the phone at home or put it in a secure pocket you know what i mean you're drinking in your drive. But also don't call a friend to hold yourself. You're obviously not to be trusted. What did you do to it that it's that smash?

So this guy hasn't Where are we on Whisper? He hasn't gotten back to me after I wrote No Speaky English. I sent him a follow up that said me put a key in me butt. I'm hoping that'll work for him. Yeah, that'll probably. He writes back, Luigi?

It's me, Wario Oh, you guys Obey Wario Yeah If you're gonna do What? Obey Wario, destroy Wario Yeah

That's the big two Yeah Okay Two commandments to live by Yeah Obey Wario, destroy Wario This is a weird episode. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, it's 206-339-8328. I don't mean to say it's a weird episode in a bad way. I just mean like we're... We went all sorts of places. Yeah, we're talking to a guy on Whisper. He's got a very, very engorged phallus. We never discovered what Stone Cold Steve Austin's saying was. No, and we won't.

Okay. Yeah, be good to each other. Be good to each other. And yourselves. Phone calls. All right. Hello, Dave Graham and possible hilarious Canadian guest. This is Emmy from Buffalo with an overheard.

I was just in the grocery store and behind me in line was this woman bellowing at her son, who was probably about four years old or so, and he picked something up off the shelf. And she's just like, no, Moses, that's too much money. Were you crazy? And the kid like almost appears it turns and looks up to her name and just says why are you like this no moses yeah back in your basket into the reeds oh is that is that what happened to moses was that moses the first time before the other person was nice. Was it who came down the...

Yeah, I think that's Moses. That guy had a real interesting life. Yeah. Not just baby stuff, but grown-up stuff, too. Bleeding everyone through the desert. Parting that sea. Yeah. Did you see the commandments?

He had the commandments. Yeah. Talk to Jesus. It was real Moses-heavy, that testament. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like the It's real. He did Moses heavy, that testament. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like the first five books. It's all Moses.

Wait, Moses isn't in Genesis, is he? No, he's in the band. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you Gabriel? No, wait. I should know this. The other guy. Went to Sunday school and everything.

He's in Exodus. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's the last? Is Iron Man man in the adventures i don't know what's the last chapter where moses is like the sign off it was sort of it was sort of ambiguous it was like yeah will he come back for another adventure he didn't sign on for moses time channel uh probably yeah do we ever see the death of moses have you seen the noah movie moving on yeah yeah uh who wanted that the noah movie the people yeah yeah even after uh bruce almighty or

whatever the sequel was what was the sequel to bruce almighty evan almighty yeah that was oh that you think that scratched people's Noah itch? I thought so. Isn't that what it's about? Doesn't he have to build a ark? Yeah, he has to build an ark. It's about Steve Carell is a newscaster. Yeah. Married to the beautiful Lauren Graham.

Isn't he a weatherman? Wouldn't that make more sense? That would. You're right. He's like, he's like. Who's a weatherman and anchorman? The weather calls for a whole bunch of. Zebras. Two. Boy, I. like uh who's the weatherman the weather calls for a whole bunch of zebras here's your next

uh hey dave graham and probable guests this is lance from nashville with an overseen i was at a bar and in the bathroom there was a sign above the toilet that read, flush, hold the handle down until it, in quotation marks, goes away. Thanks. And then below that, someone wrote in parentheses, the handle? And then below that, someone else wrote, also in parentheses, you know what it means, dick? And then below that, a third person wrote my dick thanks guys bye oh wow it's real real vicious back and forth playing dumb and graffiti

um that really ties together the whole episode really really does that uh that guy's voice sounded a bit like um uh stephen hawking's that was like that's that's a real curveball but if you listen at the beginning thing he was kind of like hello david great and it was probable yeah it sounded a little stephen hawking's voice ish i mean i've always keep my fingers crossed. Stephen Hawking's British, right? His voice isn't. I know, that's weird, right? Yeah. Does he type blimey?

What did you say? Does he drive on the wrong side? That's what you were going to say. Yeah. Well, I would have encouraged you to say it. Well, I don't like to insult other cultures on live radio. It was the British that were going to be offended by that? Oh, I don't want to.

Yeah. Well, this guy is not going to get back to me. I think I... You might have ruined Whisper for him. Yeah, I think I harshed his boner. Don't worry. His fat boner will live on. Yeah, at least I have a picture of it.

Here's your final overheard of 2014. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Dan Kahn from Seattle, Washington. Kahn in with an overheard. So I attended a performance of Beethoven's Fifth here in town. Me and my girlfriend were walking out behind two elderly ladies when one of them turned to her friend and said, you know, I really appreciated the first half,

but midway through I was like, you know what, Beethoven? It's my life. A lot of people say that. Roll over. And then they sing, yeah. Roll over, Beethoven. It's my life Girl talk

Girl talk is the world's greatest mashup artist Is he He's been voted Guinness Book of Records World's greatest mashup artist Are you going to subjective things now World's most tastiest ice cream Baskin Robbins I think it's this

Guinness Records Guinness Records is doing 42 Clips from Beyonce's new video That will blow your mind Buzzfeed and Guinness Book of Records Together Proof that

Dogs can make You believe in love. Do you know what's weird? You know, the Vancouver billionaire Jimmy Patterson? Yeah. He owns Guinness Book of World Records. Oh, yeah. Isn't that weird? That, like, somebody, like, it's like, what?

Somebody can own? He's a weird... He's very Mr. Burns-like. No, but he's, a pleasant mr burns because oh yeah no i mean looks wise yeah but just in terms of like ever see uh he he just buys random stuff yeah but he like owns the guinness book of world records he's like this super you know yeah and if you look at a picture of him he's very he mystical. So like a newspaper editor, does his bias come into... No, he's sort of...

I don't know, I guess... Because he loved girl talk? Is that why? Yeah. I wonder, because he's not that... He's not really political, I don't think. No. He's sort of just like, I'm rich.

Yeah, he's like a guy who... He owns just a bunch of real estate and... Grocery stores. Yeah, he owns just a bunch of real estate and grocery stores yeah he owns uh save on foods right yeah and he like he started he was a car dealership guy and then he bought more and more and he just kept buying stuff and he was media like actually so you just have like a spending problem that it worked out for yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like the way it works for me yeah yeah what do you spend money on lots of pizza yeah he buys stuff that appreciates yeah if the pizza you bought turned into like

oh so just store my pizza you're saying yeah stuff pizza you could resell or at least sell ads on but those little like tables from pizza yeah yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, when you open it up. It's an ad for another pizza. Yeah, every pepperoni slice has like a 7-Up. Buy ad space. Yeah. This pepperoni slice is actually the spot from 7-Up. 7-Up. I was going to say 7-11.

Those guys are so cool. They have glasses. Yeah, there was a spot video game. What? Spot? Yeah. The spot in the 7-Up logo. The red dot.

They gave him sunglasses and legs. Oh, wasn't that Joe Cool? No. You're thinking of Fido. Fido died of it. Yeah, Joe Cool is Snoopy with sunglasses. Snoopy with a beard is... Oh, who's...

Oh, his prickly Pete? Something like that. I think his uncle is prickly Pete. Warren, it's time for you to plug things that you're involved with. Oh. Uh-oh. Well, you're involved with a lot of things here in town. The March of Dimes. The theater? Yeah, with a lot of things here in town. Yeah. You're in the theater.

The March of Dimes. Yeah. I do shows at the Havana Theater on Commercial Drive. The same one that you do Laugh Gallery at. Yes. On Sundays. There's improv. Every Sunday?

Every Sunday. Every Sunday at what time? It's 9 o'clock. 8 o'clock at the moment. I just show up for the performance. Is it 8 o'clock uh nine o'clock eight o'clock at the moment it's gonna i just show up for uh is it eight o'clock or nine o'clock it's eight o'clock now it's gonna move to seven at nine so just show up seven two shows and drink yeah um and then watch a show and uh and stressful no you're doing great warren you're doing great okay what else where are you on twitter uh warren h bates at warren h bates yeah yeah and uh who's warren bates is that someone

else i that's the first account i got in like 2005 okay and then left and they can't get your name back oh really why i don't know oh because Oh, because they're like, that's an account. That's an account now. That's an account forever. You can't sell your Twitter account. I can't make money off it. Too bad. Sell it to that Warren Bates character. Is it Spike?

Is Spike Snoopy's mustache-yowed cactus dwelling? I would say it's Prickly Pete. Snoopy's mustache-yode cactus dwelling. I would say it's Prickly Pete. Snoopy's siblings on Wikipedia. It's his uncle. His cactus something, maybe? I know there's the Red Baron. Yeah. That Snoopy on top of his own house flying around.

They had a very good Christmas song, those two. And I don't know any of Woodstock's alter egos. Does he have an alter ego for every single one? Christmas time, Christmas time. Do you know that song? It's Simon and Garfunkel. These bus riding perverts. Dave, anything

to plug? I don't believe so. Are you going to be in Winnipeg upcoming? Yeah, I sure am. I guess this week that the podcast comes out, I'll be at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. I'll be doing a gala. That's probably already sold out. And then Rumors Comedy Club on Saturday night.

So we'll see how well that goes. That's the Fleetwood Mac themed comedy club. Yeah. Come out like. I bet you think this joke is about you. Is that Fleetwood Mac? No. No.

No. Who is that? Carly Simon? Oh, I thought. No. Who is it in Fleetwood Mac? Stevie Nicks. Damn it.

Yeah. I thought it was making a really good joke. Nope. Not at all. Sorry, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll be there.

And Warren, thanks for being our guest. Thank you so much for having me. We're wrong more often than we're right. Yeah. Lots of people screaming. But you know what? That's okay. We got Miranda.

We got that. I mean, I guess I don't know what my point is. But yeah. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening, I guess I don't know what my point is. But, yeah. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening, I guess. Check out MaximumFun.org if you like the show, the blog recap there that Dave does each and every week. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this episode. Certainly some sort of Sex and the City pic or vid.

Yep. I'll definitely be posting this guy's crotch shot that he sent me. This guy's overweight crotch. His obese genitals. His obese genitals. Morbidly obese.

His morbidly obese genitals. His diabetic. His type 2 diabetes. His Wilford Brinkley. Special revved condoms. And if you like the show, do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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