Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 317 - Scott Simpson

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

Scott Simpson returns to talk donating stuff, Palm Springs, and bus liars.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 317 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, he doesn't find it too chilly down here, and neither do I, Mr. Dave Shumka. Well, I heard a Mexican weather report. Go on.

It said chilly today. Uh-huh. And then Speedy Gonzalez. Uh-huh. Oh boy. Jose and Jose B. and then speedy gonzalez uh oh boy uh jose jose and hose b um uh hot tamale and our guest today uh repeat guest you've been on the podcast before uh a very funny podcaster in his own right and uh now stand-up comedian what no no it's true oh god i prefer storytelling uh mr scott simpson hi hi boys oh it's nice to see you it's really good to see you too and it is too chilly down here for you you're wearing a ski coat i'm wearing i feel

like you know this is one of those things i this jacket, and do you ever buy something and you think, well, I just, I nailed me. I just nailed my look. And then you go outside and every other person is wearing your jacket. That's what happened with this one. It's like one of those, what are they called? It's like a barber jacket. Oh, yeah. It's quilted.

It's a quilted jacket. It's a the Arbor Jacket. Oh, yeah. It's quilted. It's a quilted jacket. It's a quilted northern. And then every dummy with gel in his hair and a click in his heels is wearing it, too. Oh, boy. Well, should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. You're up here in Vancouver. Mm-hmm.

Visiting family. Mm-hmm. You make your home in San Francisco. Okay. Okay. All right. The francisco okay okay region yeah that's right the bay area that's right uh oh i well i live in burlingame which is by the airport and i should mention uh just right now factory that's where you got your coat burlingame coat factory shout out to burlingame if you uh now would be the time to make fun of my last name if you want to do that that's fine like just it's the dumb stuff oh if you want to do that, that's fine.

Like, just, it's the dumb stuff. Oh, okay. If you want to do the dumb stuff. Why would I make fun of your last name? Well, Simpsons, if you want to make a Simpsons joke. I know, but I really enjoy that. I don't like the Burlington Cove Factory. Oh, good point.

Wait, it's not Burlington you're from. What's it called? Burlingsburg? What did you say? Burlingsville. If you aren't, it's Burlingame. Burlingame. I was going to, I was just about to say that both of you guys are welcome to be in Limousine Club.

What is that? Limousine Club is a service that I offer to my very best friends where whenever you fly into San Francisco, if you ever fly into San Francisco Airport, I'd be happy to pick you up and drive you to your Bay Area hotel. I live closer to the airport than the cell phone waiting lot at the airport. I live really close to the airport. Wow. I live at the airport. What's the cell phone waiting lot?

Oh, you wait there and use your cell phone? Yes. And then you order strikes on airplanes? It sounds like a terrorism place. I guess, yeah, I never thought of it that way. I guess if you're a bad person, you could use it the wrong way. But, you know, it's instead of circling the airport, you go to a parking lot and wait for your sweetie to call you. You call them, you cell phone them, and they'll say, I'm on the on the plane still i can't answer you'll never guess where i'm answering the phone

on the toilet in the plane um so but the uh limousine service you offer yeah so this doesn't seem convenient for you because you then you have to go home well it's only about 15 minutes to the city from where I am. I know, but I'm staying in San Jose. Yeah, I mean, there are limits for sure, but you're more than welcome. I got a hell of an Airbnb. Would you

wear a hat if you had one? That's a great question. If you provided a hat for me to wear, whatever, pirate hat, whatever. Will FedEx a hat a head? Yeah, hat a head. Yeah, limo driver's hat. For me to wear. Whatever. Pirate hat. Whatever. Okay. All right. Well, FedEx a hat, a head. Yeah. Hat a head. Yeah.

One hat per head, I mean. And then, you know, the rest is just sort of like, it's kind of like a sex game. I can figure it out from there. Yeah. Yeah. It's Dave and I's sex club. But, like, there will also be, you're not to know my name. You have to act

like we've never met before hey are you a stranger oh i i you know i've you know here's the thing to be honest i have offered this to two dozen people and no one has ever taken me because i don't think they think for it's for real it sounds like a big inconvenience it sounds like real williams yeah yeah yeah you know the guy i guess yeah i guess you know when are you going to come to the airport without having made plans to get from the airport to the next place you're going that's true almost every time i land at an airport yeah right yeah i think limousine club is perfect for you yeah it absolutely is and then uh wait do i sit in the back while you drive like is it drive? How much like a limousine is this? Do I sit in the back while you sit up front?

Are there chairs that face backwards that I can sit in? Yeah. Yes. But they're like car seats. You can sit in the jumper if you want. There is a very loud stream of techno music that you can't turn off or turn down. So it is in that way like a limo. What, like house or jungle?

What brand of techno? Picture, you know, a 28-year-old Bulgarian limousine driver. What he would listen to. Ah, yeah. So I think a lot of... Shakira? No, likeira remixes oh yeah yeah and um you know says am i allowed to smoke he he asks you yeah for sure i i ask in his own limo yeah oh like is it cool yeah is it cool with you if i smoke or i'm gonna smoke either way but can i count on a tip can i take this call etc etc um yeah this is this sounds like this is a very gentlemanly offer i'm surprised nobody's

taking you up on it me too me too i would like people to i don't know if it's because you know now in san francisco there are all of those other competing taxi like all of their mustache taxi there's mustache taxi there's uh r Oh, there's a mustache taxi. There's mustache taxi. There's a rickshaw. There's rickshaw taxi. What's mustache taxi? Is that, what is it? It's called Lyft.

It's a, oh, it's the worst. Oh my God, it's so bad. Is it pink mustaches? You are an independent contractor. Any of us, if we have a car made, I think built since 2000 or something like that, that's the only rule. And maybe like a

reasonably clean driving record Like no like obvious weird stuff. Yeah weird stuff I don't know like speeding doesn't seem weird, but letting a mannequin drive for you What police code is that 527 mannequin drive yeah getting your butt caught in the uh moon roof so to speak uh yeah so so the the thing about lift is so you you put a large pink mustache in the front of your car to indicate that you are a lift a driver for lift and the thing that kills me is i mean on paper it's actually a great idea because it's, you know, you sort of work out a fair and anything to really combat the taxi stranglehold on a city. So you can bargain when you get into the pink?

With a Lyft because it's sort of shadow economy. It's not really sanctioned. It's a gift. You're giving them. It's like a buddy. It's not really sanctioned it's a gift you're giving them it's like a buddy it's like it's like limousine club i mean i should have mentioned that i charge okay yeah 40 to 70 dollars depending on where you're going will you take it in exotic cakes and now that i know that you took it right in the exotic kicks are they are they big like uh uh handlebar mustaches yes they are of course they are of course they are well i mean now that i think of like now that i'm envisioning it uh i guess my my license plate is kind of like a

little white hitler mustache yeah yeah i was gonna say oh god yeah i was gonna bring that up with you so your vanity plate says lil white hitler mustache it's very hard to figure it out little w h m s so yeah so the corporate culture at lyft is the thing that murders me they have rules where it's it's like hey let's be different than this taxi system that has worked for thousands of years. Yeah. Hundreds of thousands. Fair enough. Yeah.

Evolution is real. Thank you, Neil. It's a grass Tyson from TV's Cosmos. So Fox. I suppose. On Fox. Pretty specific. To contrast that existing kind of get in the back and shout orders at the cabbie culture, they have instituted a policy where you're encouraged to sit up in the front.

And I think, I could be wrong about this. This might be not true. This might be a rumor. But I think they're supposed to fist bump you when you get in. Okay. Like, Oh, okay. Like, hey, man. And they're supposed to also talk in a friendly way and kind of become pals with you. That's why it wouldn't be weird to give them a gift.

This is now my friend. That's right. They also prefer it to be a returnable fancy purse from a place like Nordstrom's with the receipt. Yeah, yeah. Oh, also they suck your dick. While driving? Oh boy, sounds dangerous. Can we check into the cell phone parking lot?

No, there's a separate parking lot. How big is the mustache? Is it just a small thing? How about yay big? For the homeless nerd, it's about yay big.'s about wow yeah um i've never how did you hear about this how did you know uh other podcasts complaining about it oh really yeah it's a it's a pretty uh well once it's around you can't help but but and also a lot of comedians do it too because you just set your own hours you right hang out you hang out the mustache when you feel like just bumping a stranger do you do you arrange for a ride or does it just happen you

arrange for a ride you call for it on your on your phone you call mustache you call lift hey lift star mustache or is there an app there's an app um the uh where's the nearest stash the whole the whole gag is mustache ride, right? That's where that came from? That's where it started, right? It must be, but I don't think it's part of their marketing materials. Really? I don't think so.

No, because no one... I mean, five cents is too little to charge. That's true. In this economy. Yeah. I had no idea this thing existed. I've taken... I guess it's not correct to call them gypsy cabs, but...

I think it's fine. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, look... But I've taken those in different cities. I mean, gypsy is a racial slur? Or just something that... There's still TV shows called... Oh yeah, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

Gypsies are a people. You can call a person a gypsy. I think it's like Jewish and Jew are fine but if I say... I've taken a Jewish cab. You've taken a Jewish cab? Yeah, yeah. Great. I enjoyed it. But if you say to, you know, if I Jewed you, that would be... Right. So to, you know, to gyp someone

is not cool. So yeah, these gypsy cabs are doing, they're changing the definition. Oh man, this one gypsy cab totally jude. Is that okay? Yeah, I think that's okay. As long as you don't, it just can't be same same. Can't be matchy match. Have you

gypsy cab? No. Scary. Yeah, very scary. I want a full accreditation. Yeah, the second I got in I was like, boy, this isn't a bad idea. Yeah, I got into one once, and the guy was like, let's wait for one more person. Like, what? Like, which person?

Yeah, who? My friend, he's right in the back with you. You enjoy it. You have fun. No, you have fun. You make fun back then. Make fun. You got good kidney.

So, you're doing the Why is this gypsy cab full of ice Why am I getting sleepy Why am I in a bathtub This isn't a cab Have you ever lost a kidney to anything like that You have both of your kidneys right I do but I do often wonder

Like Don't you feel like morally speaking It's like a lot lot of people, not a lot of people, but people give a kidney to a stranger. Like all of us could, the three of us could go save. Go have these on a kidney. We could go save three lives or greatly improve three lives right now without a significant reduction. I think it is a significant reduction. Is it? Okay.

You can give away here's something that i learned last year because i knew a guy that was waiting for a liver transplant you can give a part of your liver away and it will regenerate oh yeah yeah yeah it's like a starfish yeah yeah it's exact same as a starfish so you're saying like same shape if you're hungry you could just you could just eat a touch of your liver and it would grow. No, your stomach would know because they're very close. Yeah, they're tight. Yeah, your stomach would be like, hey, what's going on up there? But then would it make you barf it up?

No, the stomach would just be upset. Oh, okay. Just be upset stomach. Give you the silent treatment? That was a real boy's life joke yeah it's a joke that everybody could enjoy everybody gather around the podcast machine um have you ever uh donated any anything more than blood uh i don't know what else you could uh stem cells so you uh can you donate stem cells i I think so.

They take them from, you know, your placenta. I'm on the list, the bone marrow transplant list, but I guess it's not... To give or receive? A little bit of both. Whatever comes up first. Apparently that is quite painful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because they drill into your bone, you see.

Yeah, it's one of those. And they suck out the marrow. And one of those funny straws. Yeah. Silly straw. No, they get a rich man to suck out the marrow because they do it at restaurants. They slow cook it. Yeah.

Yeah. Boy. Anthony Bourdain loves it. But I've never been called. I think they take it out of your hip or something. Oh, boy. You need that. Yeah.

You need that like a hole in the hip. That sounds painful. All of it's painful. There's no way to give away a part of your body without... Well, without locks of love. Yeah, that's true. No, but that's emotionally painful. No.

Yeah, because you've been crawling it for so long. I don't know if people really like long hair. Ladies do. Ladies love long hair ladies do ladies love long hair oh you see how many of them that's what ll cool j stands for um yeah no i've what else could you give oh boy you know what what else could i give what else i've given I give for you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else could I possibly? Teeth? I don't think they do that. But for like, I got you teeth for Christmas.

For like fancy, you know, dentures? Fancy denture extensions? Oh, that sounds like a new, like a next level hip hop thing. Like somebody else's teeth. Like super long, hanging just below your own teeth. I kind of want to say like, like grills are sort of played out, right? Sure. I've been saying that for years. So it's a return to, you know, like new money is always about flash.

So hip hop's been around for long enough. It's no longer about new money. Jay-Z is an established member of the community. It's about wealth. It's about wealth and it's about a tactful display of wealth. And so you think human teeth. I think just unobtrusively human teeth that are not yours. Are they in your mouth?

Oh, yeah. They're a rich man's teeth. They go in front of your teeth? No, no, no. You get them replaced. So you get a molar up front? It's like caps. It's like caps, but it's all just a different person's teeth. They go in front of your teeth? No, no, no. You get them... They replace your teeth. So you get a molar up front? It's like caps. It's like caps, but it's all just a different person's teeth.

Guess whose teeth these are. Hold on. Hold on. One of these teeth belonged to an Olympic athlete. Yeah. What about sperm? Is that a donor? That's probably the only thing that's fun to donate. Yeah.

No, but it's true. Blood's not fun to donate, but sperm... Blood's kind of fun to donate. You get to see your blood. You can pump your arm a little bit, race the guy next to you. Look how fast I'm filling the bag. That's true. You get to faint.

You get to faint. Have you ever donated sperm? No. I've received a lot. From the sperm bank? I get them in a card that it's really hard to open. Can you get paid? Because in Canada, you can't get paid for donating blood.

In America, you can get paid. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. It's against the law to pay for it in Canada. Right. But I don't know about sperm. I don't know if you... You get paid for that here.

Like big bucks? No. Like 10 bucks? Let's redefine big. Yeah. I need to get home. It's the eggs they pay for. They do pay for the eggs.

That's a lot of money. We should go donate our eggs. Yeah, yeah. I got some. I think I've got some pretty good eggs left. Men have infinite eggs, and women have finite eggs. Yeah, they get gross. Is that how it works?

Yeah, I think so. They get gross? And they didn't start out that great to begin with. So when we were trying to have a baby, it took us a while, and everybody, or everybody, the 400 people in the stadium said you should get a sperm test. You totally attended an event in a stadium. Every number about that was weird. We're trying to play football. Yeah.

Tickets still available to the big event. Everybody shouted to me in unison, you should get a sperm test to see what... It's taken a while, so go get a sperm test. So I went to the doctor, and it wasn't how I pictured it. In my mind, when they give a sperm sample, I just imagine going into a room, and, like, like really luxurious sofa and like four TVs. And the TVs are having sex with each other. I don't know. But I always pictured like, like when, when you go to give a sperm sample.

It's like the offices of Swank magazine. Yeah. It's like the, the, the, I'm Dr. Caligula. I really kind of did expect it to be that way here why don't you eat a giant turkey leg while you make

I thought that the nurse would be hot and like give me a little wink and a butt waggle on my way in I don't know I just expected that it wasn't

it was white room no anything right no features a featureless white room. It was a Jamiroquai video. He was there.

It made it so hard to come. Look away, Jamiroquai. God damn it, Jamiroquai. Fortunately, the floor was moving him away. He kept trying to get to me. Yeah. And the floor just kept pushing him away. No, it was just the Really shabby bathroom

In the In the clinic And they didn't have a magazine Or anything And I didn't bring anything This was before iPhones Because yeah now I would have no expectation

That a place would provide any pornography Because I have it all already in my pocket. But a magazine would be the last thing I would want. I don't know about a phone. But, no, if somebody handed you, hey, this is the magazine that we hand to every guy who comes in here to get his sperm tested. I love if it were like a weird fetish magazine. It's just people. I love if it were like a weird fetish magazine. It's just people.

And it's like from 25 years ago, like Bert and Lonnie. 9-11 victims speak out. There's a miniature pony that wears sneakers. That'll do. A Weight Watchers ad. So I didn't have anything. Oh boy. You know, I mean, I'm okay. Fortunately you had a double digest on you.

I'm fine. You know, I can come up with cool scenarios using my own imagination. Yeah, yeah. Future. I went in there. Dinosaur. I dug in. Indoor. own imagination yeah yeah so future i went in there dinosaur i dug it indoor i don't have any sperm for you but i came up with all these cool ideas for toys

so uh so i went into my my my you know mental space to to get excited and I started to make what I was supposed to make. Shake what your mama gave you. And then a man walked into the room and said, oh! And I said, no! The lock was broken

on the door to the bathroom and I didn't know so i was just comfortable i was relaxing yeah i was doing it the way i do it which is sort of arms flayed like on the floor indian style just uh-huh yeah and so from then on so after he walked in looked yeah i mean he saw my yeah you're how do you do yeah and uh he was he impressed he said yeah did he give you that he pushed his glasses down and went i'll have what he's but so after that after he came in i knew that the lock didn't work i also knew that my wife was waiting and like starting to be like what why it never takes him this long with me yeah what's so magical about this bathroom uh so i had to uh like like hurriedly find a way to to make that happen and also hold the door closed as i did it like with my foot and my hand and then position myself so

that anybody who walked in wouldn't see me they just see me obviously masturbating but they wouldn't see did you yeah uh so man i i did it i did it nice it worked out great um did you out did you see the guy again was he in the waiting room or anything he was waiting for me yeah sitting there with a big bouquet of flowers and a people magazine and what was the doctor's verdict? Like, no, I can't taste the difference. Pepsi or? We are really gross today. And I think last week we were too. Yeah.

A bunch of juvenilia. But now you have two kids. I have two kids. I have two kids. So it all worked out. Yeah. Yeah, it did. It did. It was, I think it was that we were just kind of real tense about it yeah and uh we got a cat and that kind of i think relaxed my wife and

then two weeks later we were pregnant and then you're like see you later cat oh yeah cat's dead yeah cat's dead cat is murdered murdered had to do it nine times that's unfortunate um how's uh fatherhood dave's uh an impending uh mother any advice oh boy hmm you know i'll tell you uh it gets better it's fine it's fine at the moment yeah i'm sure it's great it seems great there's no there's no baby yet no no uh i think i don't know. Right now, I'm enjoying, I'm really enjoying being a parent right now. Like, now that they're seven and nine and can talk and joke around and take care of themselves and do stuff and drive. Because their combined age is 16. That's right. So that counts.

That's how it works. Yeah. Just make sure you slap the mustache on the car. If you just relax your eyes and look at both of their driver's licenses at the same time, it combines together. One works the gas and the brake and the other one steers. They wear a weird overcoat. Yep. And the hat that you brought, I guess, because I'm not driving you to the airport.

Drive your hat, yep. Yeah, so I think, well, for me, here's my advice, Dave. I think you'll be fine because I think you're an emotionally mature person. You know who you are and you're a grownup. Sure. Uh, one thing that I think a lot of dads feel when babies are born is that they, they don't necessarily feel super connected to them. Like we're not all necessarily, uh, like really emotionally attached from the beginning. Right. And I have to say, I wasn't, I kind of didn't care about them for a good couple years. And then one day my son, this is just the sweetest, we were walking down the street and he's four, and we were holding hands, and he's like, when are we going to stop holding hands?

And you were like, I don't want to. I know. That's when I was like, okay, I love you. You're pretty great. Yeah. So, yeah, it took me a long time to actually connect with my children, and now it's great. Well, I have nieces and nephews, six of them.

Oh, wow. And, yeah, like, I can see, like, I'm really looking forward to, like, the kid who's not even born yet being, like, 18. Yeah. Like, when I think about, like, my connection with my parents, I'm like, oh, yeah. We're in a really good place. Yeah. That I'm an adult.

Yeah. And I'm not, you know, the most terrible person in the world. the most terrible person in the world. But you really do realize, too, when you have your own children, what an asshole you were to your parents. And how ungrateful you were to your parents. Yeah.

Isn't that part of it? Turn, turn, turn? The cycle, circle of life? John 317. John 317. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, it really is.

Yeah. That's how it works. But this is all very... Because I didn't know that about the connection to the kid thing. I've heard scientifically that the kid is supposed to look like the dad so the dad doesn't eat the kid. Yeah. Like biologically that's a thing. Oh, really?

But yeah, beyond that I have no, I have no i'm not connected uh to anybody i've got a couple of friends that have kids and so they don't they don't have parenting i posted a video on my instagram today um because i was waiting for an elevator and it was taking forever and there was a dad like struggling with his two-year-old who was like screaming like just learned the words, I don't want to, and was just screaming them. And I was waiting there for like 20 seconds before I took my phone out and just started filming my face waiting for the elevator. And then like everyone's comment is, well, let's see how you like it when you have kids. And I'm like, yeah, I know.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that this is the same species that is going to come out of my wife fingers crossed yeah well yeah that's true oh boy well that that uh natasha henstridge was hanging around when we conceived species yeah that's how you uh relaxed you you had natasha henstridge hanging around for six months so comfortable yeah yeah well she's helped a lot of people conceive i was at um the the You had Natasha Enstrich hanging around for six months. So comfortable. Yeah. Yeah, well, she's helped a lot of people conceive. I was at Chapters today. I don't know why that's dialed.

In my head, I always whisper the name of that store, Chapters. So I was there today, and I was hearing this kind of annoying squeaking sound. Didn't know what it was. And then a woman and her toddler walked by. The toddler was pushing the stroller and was wearing those nightmare squeaky shoes. That actually squeak when you walk? Hate criminal created. And even the hate criminal thought, well, I'll get this so that these kids can annoy their parents inside one time and then throw them away.

And this mother was walking around the bookstore allowing her child to have these loud intermittent squeaks. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe she didn't know when she bought the only pair that she can afford for her kid that they were squeaky shoes. It's too late to bring them back to the store. Do you think they were maybe invented by, you know how they have those shoes that light up when you take a step? Yeah.

Maybe a blind person was like, what about me? What about me? I can't enjoy the childhood. He heard around him all of the people just delightfully enjoying those bright, flashy shoes. Yeah. Those LA gear. Isn't it to protect your kids from not being stolen but uh kidnapped i think is the word uh because you know uh well i guess if you could never just pick the kid i guess i don't hear that

annoying sound anymore yeah oh well good riddance i guess the kid lost his shoes i'm not gonna look back i assume he's still walking behind me Yeah. Oh, well. Good riddance. I guess the kid lost his shoes. I'm not going to look back. I assume he's still walking right behind me. Getting into the car. And, oh. Couldn't believe it, though. That was weird.

Yeah. Made me sad. I believe it. Oh, you can tune it out, I think. I think that's what parenting is. Yeah, I think you have to pick very selective about what you tune in and tune out to. And that's a process I think every parent has to go through for themselves. What kind of podcast is this?

Hold on a minute. Mostly pre... Well, we used to do a prenatal podcast and now it's mostly uh you know yoga we would get pregnant women to tell us what positions they were in yeah hey colin uh with uh how you're feeling yeah sweaty right now tell us more what are you wearing something with uh with some sort of panel to make your pants comfortable it Sounds nice. Does it have fake pockets on there? Are pregnant ladies not supposed to carry things in their front pockets? Keys, pens, etc.? I don't know.

Abby's just got a couple pairs of pants that have fake pockets on them. But I wonder if that's because, you know, maybe there was a lawsuit or something. Boy, that would just chap my hide every time I went to put my hands in those pockets and... Whistle a tune? Oh, you mean if you were a pregnant lady? Yeah, like a pregnant lady slash fun hobo. And I wanted to walk the tracks. Do you think...

I wonder if I'll ever be able to try on some of these maternity pants. Yeah, Dave, you can right now. Oh, sure, man. I can have maternity pants? Yeah. Well, I mean, you just have to pick your times. Sure. When Abby's away.

Yeah, when Abby's away. I think it's a slippery slope. Okay. Because what if I like them? I think you'll really like them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What wouldn't you like about them? They're comfortable, fashionable, no pockets to worry about.

Sure. I feel like the crotch will be problematic. Yeah. In what way? Yeah. Um, well, the pants she has are quite tight. There's very little she's got there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, biologically. She has a small penis. You have a bigger wiener than Abby. Barely. I mean, we haven't measured. It would be rude, but I'm sort of, you feel around in the dark. I'm just, you know, you're reaching for the light switch. Is that me or is that you?

You ballpark it, right? Yeah. Well, it's certainly no ballpark, Frank. Plumps when you cook them. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, not much. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, not much.

Well, actually, there's a whole thing we never talked about on the podcast. Because I think the episode that Abby was on where we brought up that we were having a baby happened directly after this. Or maybe not. Anyway, a few weeks ago, Abby and I went to Palm Springs. We haven't talked about this on the podcast. I saw the pretty pictures on your Instagram. Yeah, very pretty. Yeah. And I'd never been before.

Have you been? I have been. I'm the only guy. All right. Couple of dads and almost dads. Palm Spring in it. Dads and grads. Graham can't relate.

Nope, not at all. I had never been. I'm not like a warm weather person. Yeah, also Palm Springs, I mean, it's nice, but I think it's very specifically a popular resort destination with older folks and gay folks, and especially gay older folks. Oh, fun! Yeah, in that way, it's really nice. It's nice to see, like, just a boulevard full of older gay men. It's fun to see a boulevard.

Oh, sure, that's true. When was the last time I saw a boulevard? And we, it, I, like, I went with my entire family. So, my parents. Nieces and nephews. Nieces and nephews, my brothers and sisters their spouses there were 16 of us in this house which was not big enough for 16 people so I share I was sharing a room with my Abby and I were sharing room with my sister and her husband the house have a pink mustache it was a car it was great to spend time with them.

No, but it was. It was like there were like a ton of challenges of like, okay. Like on Survivor? Yeah. It was like, who's going to eat this weird thing? Who can stand on one foot the longest? No, it was like, who's going to eat this weird thing? Who can stand on one foot the longest? No, it was like, how do we coordinate getting these people to these places at these times? Oh, yeah.

And, oh, the only restaurant that will take 16 people is the Cheesecake Factory. Yeah. That's a lot of people. 16 people. That's like the Home Alone house at the beginning. Absolutely. It's more than The Last Supper. And that's a the Home Alone house at the beginning. Absolutely. It's more than The Last Supper. And that's a crowded painting.

They're all sitting on the one side of the table. Fair enough. That is true. That would have been half the, right? They probably had a mandatory gratuity added to their table. Oh, absolutely. I think there were other people on the other side that were just not painted in.

Oh, I think, no, I think they had invented a double-sided table up until then. Jesus had just invented the table and chair. Or it was kind of a nightclub, maybe, so everybody was facing towards the edge. Oh, they were watching The Entertainment. They were doing bottle service. Dinner theater. Yeah, the original bottle service. Oh, maybe there was a strip club?

Well, they were all men. No, that's true. Well, wait, isn't Mary Magdalene in there somewhere? Is she in the painting? I don't know. There's so many long hairs in it. Yeah no that's true well wait isn't mary magdalene is she in the painting i don't know there's so many long hairs in it yeah it's true and uh so uh well how big of a house was this 16 people it was pretty big okay uh i think yeah like it was it wasn't that we weren't that far off from fitting everyone right um but uh, yeah, no, it was like, it was a great swimming pool, and we were only there five days, maybe. And so, like, we didn't run out of things to do, which, like, we just wanted to lie down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if you nap a lot during the day, the day goes by a lot faster. Yeah, and it's really, ask me how i know i watch a lot of people nap yeah i'm doing a study i didn't realize how big of like a a um a destination it is for just people from here oh really because there were so many like i think we ran into people we knew my parents knew people that they like went to a cocktail party one night and uh we're yelling dave watch me cannonball on the pool on the on the plane ride back i saw my friend's brother on the plane and um i think there's daily flights there uh and like oh when we were in the airport the sunny bow on the sunny bono sunny bono i don't know it's bono it's bonus the sunny bono promenade at the airport okay uh local news anchor was there

oh wow from vancouver which one chris galis chris galis yeah oh wow uh cool yeah so I think I'm also only white people. Yeah. It's, where is it? I have no idea where it is. It's in Southern California in the desert. Oh, it's in the desert. Yeah. Isn't it sort of between, it's sort of between LA and Las Vegas, right? Sure.

It's on the, I think you can go between the two places and hit Palm Springs on the way. Yeah, sure. Somewhere like that. Huh. And there's. Somewhere like that. Huh. And there's like 60 golf courses. Is it fake like Vegas? Like it's a made thing in the desert and they've piped out water and stuff? It's very much.

No, it's built on an aquifer. Ah, an aquifer. You're already talking like a dad. Can you say aquifer? And it's, yeah, and all the streets are named after like Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan and Why are those two? Bob Hope and who's the little dinosaur, Frank Sinatra. Why?

It was the getaway. It was the getaway from L.A. and relax and play golf and drink a bottle of bourbon and then go home to your wife's place for a while. Your wife's place. Frank Sinatra, like, he used to go and sleep on his ex-wife's couch every once in a while. Just, like, show up. And they had kind of a cordial relationship. And he would show up. a while just like show up and they had a kind of a cordial relationship and he would show up and he also didn't like he he was so terrified of being alone that he would throw these lavish

parties every night of the week just so that there were always people oh brother around like he hated hated hated being by himself so he just always had people like you know phonies and whatever just hangers on jabronis. Absolutely. I am the opposite. Yeah. I'm afraid of being not alone. What if these people never leave? Did you go, when you were in Palm Springs, did you go on the crazy cable car thing? No, what's that?

Oh, that's great. That thing is, it's really amazing. It's an entirely unnecessary and useless cable car up a mountain like you go up to nothing i mean you go up to like a pretty park but uh when you leave the desert floor it's desert temperature and then seven minutes later when you get out there's snow on the ground and you go up so fast like the the way that they built it i guess was all of the supports had to be helicoptered in like it's it's, for a dad, for a future dad, you'd really

appreciate the engineering. Sure. Son or daughter. Yeah. Daughters can get into engineering now. Yeah, that's true. Oh boy. I hope my daughter, or son, becomes an engineer. They're really covering my bases.

I seem like I'm covering something up. I don't know yet. Yeah, no, but I think maybe... Those are the two possibilities. Yeah, maybe this is just suggestion. I know it's extra work, but after you have your child and you know both your child's sex and your child's name, maybe go back to all of these podcast episodes and edit in the correct pronoun. You're right.

You're right. And name. He will. Mortimer. Mortimer. My daughter, Mortimer. I just kicked the table and everything fell off. Yeah, Dave just nearly country western barred this table.

Like we were all cheating at poker. The piano player stopped playing. He's still looking at us weird. Why do you have a piano player? Never heard it on the podcast. It's just Billy Joel. He doesn't like being alone either. He just likes to stay and listen to guys talk about fun things.

Yeah, man. But he can afford to have people cook hors d'oeuvres and clean up after a party. Frank Sinatra. I mean, what if you were introverted and were frank sinatra well what would you spend your money on yeah i don't think that he had to talk to these people necessarily he just wanted them around wanted the din yeah and like dean martin dean kane who hung out with him in his later years uh he wasn't like that. He didn't actually, the stage show where he would drink, he wasn't actually drunk. That was all phony.

Really? He drank, but he didn't drink to get drunk on stage. That was all an act. He wasn't stumble around drunk. Wow. So after a show, he didn't hang out with Frank Sinatra until six in the morning. Oh my God. And there's a story.

It's all fine. Bring in the phonies. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I don't need you, Dean. I got this other guy. I don't need you, Dean Cain. I got Terry Hatcher.

I like the idea of just, you know, like outside the venue, there's just a door marked phonies. Yeah. A door marked jabronis. You go to the appropriate door. Yeah. Hangers on. Also rams. By Sanders.

Lookalikes. Elvis's children. Clowns. Yeah, I like how you described going to Palm Springs. You're like, I see my family all the time, but I rarely get to see them in bathing suits. When did I say that? I don't know. You you said it upstairs i was like yeah it's pretty good yeah it's true i do like it was like oh a family dinner but uh moved you know uh a thousand miles i don't know i don't know distance did you actually go to the cheesecake factory yeah i've never been to one i don't know what's

in it it's fine like it's exactly whatever t exactly whatever TGI Fridays or Red Robin or whatever the equivalent. Hamburgers. Onion rings. Yeah. Chili's. Et cetera. Whatever the chain restaurant is. I'm sure they have a thing that's like, the people who are into that are like, oh, you've

got to get the towering inferno of, you know. Yeah, yeah. Cheesecake. Yeah, exactly. But they, you know the the name implies just desserts that's what you'll get you're just dessert yeah but after your meal yeah it is a real mean trick too because they you know get you to eat the food the same amount of food that if you went to a tgi fridays and ate it you'd think well i'm done i don't need

any more food but then you're at the Cheesecake Factory. What kind of weirdo doesn't get... Right. At the factory, you are a monster. I don't like cheesecake. It's gross. I was looking at the menu and I was like, oh, maybe I'll get the hot fudge sundae. My family was like, no, we're getting cheesecake to go.

Kids are freaking out. Yeah, cheesecake was like... I feel like there were a lot of places that served it in Calgary when I was growing up. It seems like it's a sophisticated dessert. Really? I always felt like... I think it's a very 80s dessert. Yeah, I thought of it because the Golden Girls always ate cheesecake.

But it seems like something you only enjoy as an adult. Like a kid wouldn't choose cheesecake they would want. Like their birthday cake is cheesecake? I still remember Bea Arthur saying, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. To Blanche. But they always would eat cheesecake, right? In that scene

Blanche is eating a whole cheesecake with her hands. Now Blanche is Rue McClanahan? Yeah. I was looking up Rue McClanahan on Wikipedia the other day because I was like, what the hell is Rue short for? Oh, Rudolph. Any guesses? Rudolph. Elizabeth.

You'll rue the day you cross me. Is it guessable? No. Rue McClanahan is short for Eddie Rue McClanahan. Eddie Rue? E-D-D-I hyphen R-U-E. Eddie Rue.

Eddie Rue. Is that French? Nope. Rue is French, isn. Edie Rue? Rue is French, isn't it? Rue is for street. Easy street. Edie Street.

No. No? All right. I'll work on it. Yeah. You need to work on your French. And your Frenching. No, I don't.

My Frenching is fine. I went to a doctor. You got tested? Yeah, yeah. The nurse came in, said, give me what you got. Cool, cool, cool. I was hooked up to a monitor. Sure, sure, sure. Like some sort of machine.

They put a suction sensor on your tongue. Yeah, on my tongue and my lips. It looks like what a fighter pilot wears. It's just a big apparatus that judges your French ability. And then I Frenched the... She's not a nurse. The French Foreign Legion. Yeah.

And they said, A, A+. They gave me an A+. A responsi? Yeah. You had to squeeze one of those love meters. Yeah. And it said I was a hot stud. Wow.

I said I was a real hot... Make out with his love meter. Yeah. Yeah. Now, my Frenching is great. Beyond reproach. Now I'm starting to believe you less. The more you talk it up, I think you have to put your money where your mouth is.

Yeah, I did. That was the other part where they put money in my mouth. They put coins in your mouth. Hold all this roll of quarters. Now lift it with your tongue. In Palm Springs, they don't have gambling, do they? Is there a place that you go where everybody knows your name? To gamble?

Yeah, I don't know. Just because it's in the desert. I was just in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. Okay. And I'm just trying to remember if that's... No, it was the only one day trip we took. My sister took her kids to Disneyland one day. My brother took his kids to Legoland.

Whoa. And I, Abby and my sister and her husband and I went to... All day. All day pass. We went to Joshua Tree.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Those were pretty pictures. Yeah. That's a nice park. It's a nice park. I looked at the U2 album cover and I was like,

oh, maybe we'll go to the tree from the album cover there's no tree i was like i don't even i don't even like this band um but yeah no it's a nice park it it's repetitive uh after a while it's an enormous desert yeah so it's like okay yeah lots of dunes yeah we did wrap it up desert yeah we didn't need to see the whole the park it was like let's just uh let's do the the they should do a loop at the top there's like a little tour yeah look at these funky cacti uh look at these uh play that funky music yep yep look at these uh weird rocks that came out of the ground yeah and. And bingo bango, dodged a rango. Pop a shango.

Uh-huh. So yeah, it was a fun trip. That sounds pretty good. But at the point that this episode's coming out, this was seven months ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But a fun trip, all the same. Good memories, good friends. When you're here, you're family. Delicious cheesecake. Good memories, good friends.

When you're here, you're family. Delicious cheesecake. Food, folks, and fun. Yeah. Where's that from? I think it's McDonald's. Food, folks, and fun. Food, folks, and fun.

McDonald's, U.S. only? I don't know. You don't know? Oh, yeah. Food, folks, and fun sounds like something. We just got those commercials with Jason Alexander from before he went bald. Oh, I remember those. Yeah. We just got those.

We don't even have Happy Meals. We have young Chris O'Donnell in our McDonald's commercials. See, that's why you're going across the border to the U.S. to visit the U.S. You gotta, you know. Get the commercials. Yeah, McDonald's up here just serves Subway sandwiches. Oh, that's weird. It's super weird.

It's a government thing. Yeah, Doctors Associates. Did you know that's the name of the company that owns Sub. It's super weird. It's a government thing. Yeah, Doctors Associates. Did you know that's the name of the company that owns Subway? Yeah, yeah. Every time you look at their, gosh darn, when you're staring at their wrap, you know, the paper that they wrap it in. You're looking for something to read. Yeah. You're on the toilet.

You're on the toilet eating your meatball marinara. Take it out the middleman. Guy walks in, takes a look at the sandwich, says, I'll have what he's having. Goes and gets a sandwich. That's marketing. That's marketing. That's good. That just makes sense.

That's as good as Cheesecake Factory. Like, you're full, but you want cheesecake. Doctors Associates, you're full, but you want a doctor. It's the same. It's the same. No, no, it's the same. Logic is cool. Yeah, logic is cool.

Graham, what's up with you? I didn't go to Palm Springs, all right? Well, neither did I since we last recorded. No, that's true. Last time we recorded, which was yesterday in our time, but in listener time a week ago, I talked about my odyssey where I went on a collectively 12 hours on a Greyhound bus. Oh, yeah. As an adult man, I've done this now. Oh, brother.

I'm not some teenager that thinks that things I'm going to meet, I'm going to have a conversation with somebody. A lot of adult men go on Greyhound bus trips. They're mostly, they get a bus ticket when they're released from prison yeah yeah this there was a here's the thing there was usually people don't talk on these greyhound buses or if they do hush tones it's not hey we're gonna kill the driver yeah the driver's like please keep your uh conversation to hey what were you just saying uh there was a guy at the back of the bus that had met a woman that he knew in high school and they were catching up on 45 years of time and uh so i heard this guy's like honestly from age 18 to how he bought

the ticket to get on this bus i picture everybody on the bus doing one of the different scenes from airplane when he starts telling the story and they kill themselves in various ways yeah just Yeah, just a skeleton or just jostling themselves with gasoline. Yeah, it was, man, like just no corner uncovered. And they were so loud. Like you could hear them way at the front of the bus. And then she got off at one stop. And then he was on the phone. And he told a story that he had told to her with different details to the person on the phone.

I did that. Yeah, because he was talking about seeing his uncle, who has memory problems, and that the uncle didn't remember him, but was fascinated by the boots he was wearing. But then when he was on the phone, all of a sudden the uncle remembered him. Oh.

Yeah, he was telling a whole different tale it was a different uncle yeah he's got uh the jones family they're very forgetful uh anyways yeah so i just i heard this guy's whole uh life story oh and then the woman also she updated her life story and then she was talking about how her boyfriend doesn't know how to treat a woman. And I was like, are these people going to have sex in the bathroom on the Greyhound? Like, I'll show you how to treat a woman. Sex in the Greyhound bathroom.

That's like the step-down version of the drink, sex on the beach. Sex in the Greyhound bathroom. It's a lot of blue water. It's like the Mile High Club. I mean, technically we're driving through the mountains.

Technically we're in Denver. I wish we could smoke on this bus. I'm gonna kill the driver. Is that still a, is that, has that

become part of Canadian cultural reference and lore? The guy who... Couldn't he, like, cut a person's head off or something? Yeah, we talked about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never mind.

I don't know anything. He was disturbed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't just a maniac. I guess he was just a maniac. Yeah. We're out of the milk. I'm just a maniac.

And everywhere I go... Yeah. Anyways, yeah. of the milk i'm just a maniac and everywhere i go yeah um anyways yeah so it's just it was weird to hear this guy's life story learn it and then find out i got the facts wrong he's a phony baloney yeah he should be hanging out with sinatra yeah yeah the entourage there's no way sinatra well maybe he did have nice boots on. I will say that for him. Were they a cowboy? They were like a very fancy work boot. Oh.

Yeah. They were like a high-arched work boot. They were like a wedge heel. They were kind of like a platform work boot. They were like a Manolo Blahnik work boot. They had the red on the inside. A Louboutin? Yeah, a Louboutin. Yeah, so that's all.

It's just that I... Just a little more detail from yesterday. Yeah, I heard of a rubby's life story. He was a rubby also. Well, yeah, I think... What's a rubby? It's a term for like a kind of a greasy dude. Oh, nice.

I like that. That's a good one. It's my mom's thing that she's brought us up saying. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it may or may not have something to do with rubbing alcohol yeah drinking rubbing alcohol i see i see okay or they rub you the wrong way that's the way i've decided to take it yeah i i believe my description of it was daniel stern and joe pes Home Alone. Yeah, this guy was like Joe Pesci. Oh, like a mook? We would say a mook. I would say a mook.

Yeah, a mook. Yeah. Mook. So I went to Las Vegas recently. Oh, tell me more. That's in the desert, right? You're so money, baby. Yeah.

Do you guys gamble? I'm sure you don't gamble. How dare you? I gamble on the ponies. No, everything about you says, like, not prone to irrational things. I like Kino because it's social. Video Kino, that's my jam. No, I don't gamble.

I am afraid uh anytime i've been in a casino i've been intimidated by everyone i assume everyone is good at it but but they can't be they're all losing money no everybody's bad yeah everybody is bad at it even the people who are counting cards but they're focused and they're there they know what's going on at least yeah whereas they're focused yeah but like i feel like they would get mad at me for for asking a question like yeah what are jokers wild uh so the name of the game is okay you know like burt baccarat um what about you uh I used to go to the racetrack here every season. Not every day, but every season I used to go.

And then I couldn't abide by, like, I kept hearing how bad the horses were treated. Oh, I see, I see. So I stopped going. But I used to like doing that. I used to like reading the racing form and trying to guess. That was fun. I sort of like the idea of you bring

$50 with you and that's just the cost of a day out. But you, I understand, you just went to Las Vegas. And you're a gambling man. Well, when you would lose at a horse race, horse race, a horse race?

When you would lose at a horse race, would you take your forms and throw them in the air? If I really thought it was like, like I thought I had a lock. Oh, yeah. Then I would get super frustrated. Oh, that's good. I like that.

How about you? No, I've never. I like that. How about you? Are you a... No, I've never been a gambler. I, you know, I'll put a dollar in a slot machine or whatever. Will you even pull the slot or just put the dollar in? Yeah, just a little something for the machine. It's for the family. Yeah, a little something for the little guy in the machine.

Yeah, staying out of trouble. in the machine. Staying out of trouble. So I've never really gambled but this time I went with a couple of friends who really enjoy it

and they showed me how craps works and it's so fun. Craps is the dice? It's the dice game. Snake eyes. Dice and jokes it turns out.

I have a dice and airplane. Oh, you should hear his jokes. No, he can't be funny. He can't be funny. He makes things that blow it. He can't be funny. No, the structure of craps is engineered to make you have a good time. Yeah.

And so once you've learned the basics, it's really fun. Yeah. It's a great game. And it's also like the odds are not too stacked against you. So what's, okay, I see a crowd of people around a table. Right. Whoa, whoa, Dave's having a vision. Oh, yeah.

I see. Okay, but where's my mother? Where's my mother? Is my mother there? I see someone whose name begins with the letter F. Is there an F or K or J, P or S, K, A, B, C, D? That's my mother's mother, Scabda. She's good.

She sends her best. A casino in heaven. But like, Krabs is the one. Everyone's crowding around the table only there's only one guy yeah with dice everyone and he's not like the dealer no he's not the dealer he's just uh who gets to who chooses i i call dice it goes around it goes around a circle and everybody rolls if they if they'd like to if you you can pass if you don't want to but the dice are communal everyone is gambling on these dice the dice are communal. Everyone is gambling on these dice. The dice are communal, and everybody's in it together.

So you either win together or you lose together. The die roller rolls until they crap out, until they get a seven. No, until they get a seven. Crap out is bad or crap out is good? It depends. It depends, but they go until they get a bad roll and then it goes to the next the next person so it could be three rolls so a person could be rolling for 30 seconds but then you'll get it's like baseball so nothing is at stake if i roll six if you're

a six you just let's see uh it depends you go four spaces yeah if you're all six you're good so i land on a ladder do i go up again it depends it depends okay uh but it's you go until you roll a bad roll and until then people are betting on various numbers that you're going to roll in different combinations and you know there's a lot of like it's like a vietnamese cockfight in a movie like there's just a lot of like shouting and people like throwing bets at things it's really exciting i hate it oh it's so fun uh but the great i mean the thing about it that's that's fantastic is like like something like baseball it could be that you know you go up to the plate you take a swing you fly out in three seconds or it's a 10 minute at bat right where it's crazy We had people who were up for like half an hour,

45 minutes rolling and everybody's getting more and more excited with each role and more and more rich with each role. I found that I was particularly talented

at giving nicknames to all the rollers. Oh, fun. Boy, was it fun. What was your favorite nickname that you don't like? Quiet Anger. He had a quiet anger.

Would you tell this person, come on, Quiet Anger? Oh, I got everybody into it. Yeah. I got everybody calling them different things. Who is? For the rest of the weekend, like people are seeing them around the casino. Oh, yeah. You make friends.

You make friends. Yeah. I saw Joey Eights at the pool. Joey Eights. Joey wrote those eights. I'm confused. So you put your money on the table? Sure.

You put your chips? Yes. Everyone does? Yes. And who keeps track of whose money's whose? There are four dealers, and then it's position. It's by position. So the four dealers are tracking what's going on.

Okay. So you don't need to worry about that. So there are dedicated people who are tracking what's happening. So when you look down and your money's gone, you trust that they were right. Yes. It's all positional, and then there are people watching to make sure that those guys are doing your money. Oh, I love people watching.

But the fun thing about it is that, so there are these, there are these crews of what, five people and they just talk to each other the whole game. They're just talking to each other, like making jokes with each other as the game is going on. And there are also all these like things that you say when you roll different numbers.

And I want to. Oh, it's a four things that you say when you roll different numbers. Oh, gore! It's a four! Jive time! Five times! I'm such a sucker for that. It's so good. Oh, I had so much fun. I lost so much money. Yeah, it's all those communal games

like, what's the one? Roulette? It's fun until you're the guy that really doesn't know what's going on. Like if you get singled out, it's like, ooh, I'm trying to. He swallowed the last dice. Game over, guys. You're not supposed to eat them. Well, where's it written?

Yeah, exactly. You show me page number two. Right there. I thought these were some of those whiskey stones. You're not supposed to swallow those either. Oh, Lord. Do you want to move on to some business? Oh, yeah.

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relationship is healthy i still totally want to date Barbara, Brandy, and Tess because they're so funny and smart and pretty. Oh, my God. What a surprise. What? Oh, they're here. That's right. I'm Barbara.

I'm Brandy. And I'm Tess. And we're Lady to Lady. We're a podcast. It's the three of us. We have a fourth girl on every week. We solve lady problems. Just hang out.

Talk about stuff. Sometimes we have characters. We get weird. You can listen to us every Wednesday. We got a new podcast out go to maximumfund.org or itunes so it's wednesday i'm downloading right now oh my god i better go i can listen to it while i'm bench pressing my quads yeah bro tight bro what's up my name is jasper, co-host of The Goose Down, along with the lovely Kimberly Clark.

And we want to invite you into the comfort and groove of our podcast that encompasses the arts and entertainment. You can check us out at Maximalfun.org, also available on iTunes. See ya. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. A segment in which our guests and ourselves

and our listeners all share things that they've been so lucky to overhear or oversee. We always like to start with the guest, and that's you, Scott. So can you make it happen for us? I can do it I was just in New York

And I have a tiny little overseas All you do is travel You know, okay, so when I had a real job That paid money I would fly around all the time And I have all these miles And now they're expiring So I'm just flying places to fly places and it's great.

That's very cool. Yeah, so I went to New York a couple weeks, no, yeah, a week and a half ago. Yesterday. I'm there now. Okay. I'm in New York now, right? Cool. Hey, you're walking here. King Kong, etc.

Yeah. Welcome to New York. King Kong. King Kong, etc. Yeah. Welcome to New York. King Kong. King Kong was here. It still says that on the Empire State Building. Near the top. So I have a tiny overseen and an overheard. The tiny overseen is I was driving, I was in a cab,

and I was looking out I was looking out the scenery and I passed a strip club with the best name of a strip club that I've ever heard in my life. It's a strip club called Mixed Emotions. And I thought like, God damn it, I would go to that. Yeah. That touches something real. Can you imagine working

at Mixed Emotions and having to walk under that awning every morning? There we go. It's like Cocktails and Dreams at the end of Cocktail. That was the name of the bar that he opened. It wasn't a strip club though. No, I know, but it's that same kind of like what were you?

Have you been? Yeah. Yeah. When's the last time? This week? Yeah. I don't think I've been in like 10 years. I went last year. And the last time I went, Abby and I went together with a few friends, and it was the

closest strip club that was ever, ever was to here. Do you know it? It was across from Kingsgate Mall Starbucks is there now yeah it used to be called the Sahara at one point it was called Uranus Lounge Uranus Lounge at one point

yeah I went there no not like the planet mixed emotions yeah mixed emotions I got kicked out of that yeah it was fun correct yeah and then you said you have i thought you said you got kicked i got kicked out of there i got a kick out of it and then i got and then i was asked to leave yeah uh so have you ever uh been kicked out of a strip club. Guys, truth or dare? Have you ever? No, I've been to a strip club six or seven times, and every time it's... It's gotten old before.

It's way less everything than you want it to be, except expensive. Yeah, this is true. It really hits that expensive note. It sure does. It's got notes of real true. Yeah. It really hits that expensive note. It sure does. It's got notes of real expensive. Yeah. And you had an overheard as well? My overheard was I was in a bar.

It's really a beer taste with champagne prices. Yeah. Is that what it is? No. Champagne taste with beer budget. But the opposite. Anyway, should we go? You were in a bar.

Okay. I was in a bar. You have an overseen i understand where did this take place some kind of establishment i was drinking by myself and over in the other corner it was an empty bar was me me on one side and these like five guys with with beards who i only recently have realized are children. It's just that children, I mean like 22 year olds, children to me can have

beards now. So these guys were having a loud and informed and extensive debate about Star Wars, the Phantom Menace, and whether it was good or bad. So these are like 22 year olds who grew up in a

world where that was a legitimate yeah yeah and or you know 22 to to mid-20s and they were talking about this for a good long while uh and what bothered me wasn't they were talking about i mean it did bother me because i don't like people who like things that are for children i don't like grown-ups who like things that are for children uh it bothers me but i understand that's a part of our culture and i was tuning it out but then after about a half an hour of that conversation they talked for a good 20 minutes about whether lbj was president during world war one or II. Now, I don't expect you guys to know, but, you know, he was president during the Vietnam War after Kennedy, 20 to 25 years after the end of World War II.

So they've got their ducks in a row. They've got their facts and priorities. When LBJ was president, it was like the South was coming again. Reagan had just gone to bed with a monkey and um the bill clinton was an apple in monica lewinsky's thumb that's right we didn't start the fire uh yeah i i it just i just the short version of that story is i'm old now no no they're they're young that's that is it that is it it bummed me out also been it always bummed me out that they didn't just take their iphones out and just do a quick

fact check instead of debate two wrong things but like isn't that the thing that everyone's always complaining like oh you can't no one can have one of these conversations anymore because we all have the magic is dead yeah but now people can be very wrong about lvj yeah lbj the mexican blowjob king lbj yeah he won the world war ii for mexico using his uh his specialty i was driving in a lift in mexico city and i saw a strip club. Dave, do you have an overheard? Okay. This one is also from Palm Springs. Abby was a little, like, before we went on this trip to Palm Springs, she hadn't sort of looked into what, going through security and going through those body scan things,

like what are the risks for a pregnant woman right and so she when we were at the airport she saw that they had the body scanner things and not just the metal detectors and she was like she said to the the security guy um i'm pregnant so like is there an can i have a different screening option And the guy totally dismissively said, that's the best thing for you. Pointing to the scanning machine. Oh, wow. Yeah, it also gives you some vitamin C.

Yeah. It gives you a little bit. You know what? Your baby will like it. Yeah, yeah. It's like your body needs it. Baby will throw up. I like the idea of her coming out the other side

and the security guard being like, it's a girl. Well, those scans are good. But yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, everyone who works in the Palm Springs airport is elderly. Oh, really? Yeah. So they just, they hit that note early and often.

It's just there. As soon as you get on the... I think they're very well preserved is the thing about people who look... Oh yeah, they're like 40, but they look elderly. Yeah, everybody looks 60. White hair, real droopy, but like bronzed, right? Oh boy, like bronze medals. Like bronze baby booties. Yeah.

Your turn now for talks. I was on the bus, and there was two kids, two 17-year-olds behind me. And the one 17-year-old was positing a question to his friend he was like if you could change your name to anything what would you change it to and his friend just went i've had this name for 17 years i'm kind of used to it so like he's gonna just he's gonna make no impact on the world. Yeah. Just zero imagination. Zero fun for this guy. Yeah. Any name in the world his friend was giving him.

I like mine. Yeah. I've had it for 17 years. I'm okay with it. What... Oh, quick question. If you guys could have any name in the world, what would it be? Shabazz.

You know, it would be the something. The Beatles. That's good. You want to be a definite article. You want to be preceded by a definite article. Hi, I'm the Beatles. I like Beyonce, but can I also be Beyonce? Be Beyonce?

Ooh, be Beyonce. Yeah, like Bebe Neuwirth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be Beyonce is a great name. This is great, because I have Oh, B.B. Anse is a great name. This is great, because I have a baby on the way. A B.B. on the way. B.B. Anse. B.B. Anse.

How about... You know when you start a sentence with how about and you have no idea? Yeah, you're like, woo boy! Really jumping off the dime. Underscore, is that a good name? Underscore? Yeah, underscore is good. Because it's just like on a business card underscore yeah underscore is good underscore because it's just

like on a business card right do you write the underscore it's it's hard on its own because you can't there's no other letters around it to give it context contact me at underscore not bad all right we've had fun look guys i'm used to this name i name. I'm going to stay Dave Schumacher as long as I live. Really? As long as you both shall live. I'm going to change my name on my deathbed. So that it makes my will null and void. Yeah.

Classic Clark. Yeah. I'm going to be Beyonce. Yeah. I'm the Beatles. I'm the Beatles. My name is the Beatles. My name is the Beatles.

I think you just have to say it three times. No, you have to do it to change your name. Yeah. You have to walk around. Well, I think what part of it is, is you have to, you go through the paperwork and then you have to put it in a newspaper. Like you have to put it in a... Oh, you don't have to announce.

There's classified ads that say like... Oh, that's right. Like a business name change kind of thing. Yeah. But I'm a human and my name's ricky uh what was i can't remember who it was but uh oh gary jones his his wife changed his name on uh because he was like uh somebody else had the same name as him and he's an actor and so you have to pick like a pick a secondary name to be in the guild or whatever.

The same name as somebody else. Yeah. And so his wife legally changed his name to Gary Vaughn Jones. That's like what's on his passport and stuff. Oh, great. Gary Vaughn Jones. Vaughn is good. I like Vaughn.

What if... Because David Hyde Pierce was David Pierce. Right. And then there was another. What if, because like David Hyde Pierce was David Pierce. Right. And then there was another David Pierce, so he became David Hyde Pierce. What if your name was already David Hyde Pierce? Could you become David Hyde Pierce Pierce? No, you'd become David Hyde Pierce Jr. It's just that easy.

You had a junior. David Hyde Pierce Hilton. Yep. Be Beyonce. David Hyde Pierce. I had a co-worker. You? You go ahead. Uh, be Beyonce. David Hyde Pierce. Um. I had a co-worker. You?

You go ahead. You, over there. You with the glasses. I had a co-worker who found out 20 or 21 years into his life that his birth certificate name was Boy. Because his parents didn't choose a name when he was born. Chose it later. Oh, wow. They named him after the U2 album. War.

He was Boy, the Joshua Tree, Be Beyonce. Octung Baby. Pop. Zoropia. You think there's somebody in the world named Zoropa? Probably not. Yeah, absolutely. You think so?

Of course there is. Do you know that there's laws against, like, there's some names that you can't, like, you can't give your kid such a crazy name. Right, right, right. Like, there's certain that have been... It's a form of assault at a certain point. Yeah, like, you can't call your name, like, The Messiah. The Messiah Jones. Oh, I like it!

The Messiah Jones. That would be a good, that would be like my professional name. When I'm a golfer. If you say it enough, like The Messiah. It sounds like Jeremiah. Like The Messiah. We also have overheards and whatnot sent in to us. That's new.

No, no. We've been doing it the whole time. They've been sending... If you want to send one in, you can send it into spy at maximum fun.org and this first one uh is an overseen they sent in a picture with it uh to prove that it happened this is a few weeks ago i was at the mall with my wife and her parents fun fun day out uh as we were leaving i saw honda in the parking lot with a vanity license plate that read i'd rather be watching Gilmore Girls.

That's, you know, one of those fun plates. Not a vanity plate. Oh, the plate holder. No, no, like you get like, you could buy, you used to be able to buy license plates. What? That you would put on the front of your car, because in some places you only need one license plate. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

So not a license plate but not a legal license no but it's you know it's a metal you put it that many like you must go to like they must be like it must be a really good prison where they can hammer all those letters onto one license plate yeah they well they've they know somebody on the inside. The prisoner's hammering out. It's like, yep, I get it. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I'd rather be watching Gilmore Girls than being in this prison. You've always given the choice. I don't think I've seen... I love both of the Gilmore Girls.

Alexis Bledel and Lauren Graham. I've never watched an episode of the show. Me neither. I've seen little bits of it, and I've been like, oh, I wonder if this happens. Where in the story this happens? Because I know enough

about the show. They're a mother and a daughter. They talk sassy. Yeah, they talk super fast. Their parents and grandparents are the guy from The Lost Boys. Ooh, Kiefer Sutherland? Yeah. The Ralph Macchio and Kiefer Sutherland.

The parents. Yeah, I don't know anything about the show. Probably never will. Unless they make a movie, and then I'll have to go see it. But yeah, keep it up. Keep it up, YouTube gilmore girls i assume it's still on there this is uh this is from alex w this is a girl and a boy talking girl my birthday is the same day as a very famous person kevin james the boy says uh his last name is Bacon, not James. Oh, I love a good incorrect mansplain.

That's my favorite. It's actually pronounced... Who do you think is more famous at this point? Oh, well, Kevin Bacon just is eternally famous. Kevin Bacon is part of the, he's a star in the sky. He's a degree of himself. Yeah, he's, like, he hasn't been in, like, he hasn't been, like, the starring. But he was in, wasn't he in the X-Men movie? The last X-Men movie?

I don't know. He's got a TV show on right now. Really? Yeah. Whatever. King of Queens. Yeah. wasn't he in the x-men movie the last x-men movie i don't know he's got a tv show on right now really yeah whatever king of queens but you're right yeah probably i don't know kevin james does anybody even know after that last movie was in isn't he done he's finished i feel like here comes the boom that was the end of kevin james he's been a grown-up since every kevin james movie is him getting taught how to woo a woman, right? I feel like he can't get that famous because people start asking questions about hair plugs. Ah, yeah.

People start putting two and two together. That's why Jeremy Piven is always the best supporting actor. Yeah. But it was weird that Kevin James, like like he was in a thing where then he like it's not like he was in an mma movie where he just gets his ass kicked constantly and that's the joke it's like he gets good at mma and i'm like wait hold on we did not sign off on this as a culture kevin james you don't get to be no you don't get to be handsome and good at ultimate fighting. You're not an action guy.

Well, I mean, he proved us all wrong. That was the biggest earning movie of last year. Was it really for real? No, no, no. Oh, good. That didn't come out. It came out like five years ago. Here comes the boom.

Not five years ago. Ready or not. Let's both take our phones out. Let's argue about it for 20 minutes. Yeah, exactly. LBJ was in it, if I recall correctly. Ready or not. Let's both take our phones out. Let's argue about it for 20 minutes. Yeah, exactly. And learn that it was never a... LBJ was in it, if I recall correctly. LBJ. This last one comes from Eric O.

And Eric O. from Miami, Florida. I work for a computer store, and I overheard the following exchange between a mother and a daughter setting up the daughter's email account. Daughter, the security question is, what is your dream job? Mom, just put down horse. That's all you ever talk about. You're going to be a horse. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Do your kids want to be something that's an impossible thing at this age? Well, successful. Come on, college graduates. You know what generation you belong to. That's a million dollars. I had this idea, this basic idea for an email service for my daughter called something like, just something really disgusting. So that when she had to give her email out to boys okay it'd be like dry you know terrible spaghetti at pussy booger dot booger

and you think this will turn boys off how? That's like a dream come true to get to type that into a computer and make it, and it actually does something. Yeah, you've been typing that into a computer for years, and it's been going nowhere. Yeah, it just goes, eh. Dot booger is not a domain. It will be. Stupid computer. In that overheard, she said she was at a computer store mm-hmm I haven't heard that phrase in a while that's true right yeah it's usually like an Apple store or you know Best Buy yeah but there are

there's like little mom-and-pop computer oh there's a great one in san francisco called computer 2000 uh when i was driving through um oh i wrote it down when i was driving through um oh it's it's uh between um palm springs and joshua tree it's like ras fresco or something okay um and it uh it was a computer computer store well there was one there was a pet grooming place called Doggy Style Pet Grooming good good good and then there was a computer store called

Computer Zone computer with an O that's a better way to spell computer it really is it's like doctor you are in the computer zone um that if i was in charge of siri i would have renamed siri computer computer yeah tell me computer tell me how you feel um i remember growing up there were the computer stores were doppler

computers wow and egghead software. Oh, right. I went to a computer camp in the back room of a radio shack in 1983 on a bunch of... Are you sure? That's where a lot of people got molested. There were no computers. That was one thing. Why did I have my shirt on? It wasn't that hot.

It was pretty steamy. It wasn't that hot. It was pretty steamy. Oh, okay. We also have a phone call overheard. If you want to call us, our phone number is as follows. 206-339-8328. Like these people have.

Hi, this is Shana calling from Victoria, B.C. with an overheard. I was in a pizza place around the corner from my house on a snowy Sunday afternoon a couple weeks ago. And this little boy, maybe like six years old, and his mom, and they were talking about things he could or could not take through customs while going on a plane. And he says, can I take my iPod? And she says, yes, you can take your iPod. he says, can I take my iPod? And she says, yes, you can take your iPod. He says, can I take my money? And she says, you'll have to put it in a little thing, but you can take your money.

He says, can I take my colon? She says, your colon is attached to you. But, I mean, that's making a lot of assumptions, right? Yeah. Maybe he has a robot computer. Some people are differently coloned. I think it's a little colon normative. Yeah, yes. But usually your mother would know.

That's true. Your mother's always the first to know. Yeah. Oh, your colon is outside you now. Yeah. Honey. Honey, my colon. Your colon is more of a concept at this point.

Your colon is outside you now. Fine. Yeah. Yeah. All right, next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Sean from Victoria, British Columbia. I was riding the bus the other night to a part of this lovely town known as the Gorge, and there was a man and woman sitting at the back of the bus, very indicative of the type of person that you find in the Gorge.

And they had their arms wrapped around one another, and they were kissing, and they were talking about how the man, who I would describe as a fat Jeff Foxworthy, was talking about how he'd just gotten out of a jail. And he said to the woman, Oh, baby, baby, you don't even know. You don't even know how many boxes of tissues I went through just thinking about you. And she went, aw, started making out with him.

So, yeah, romance is alive and well in the gorge. You may be a fat redneck if... I'm 100% on board with that romantic gesture. That sentiment? I think it's really nice. You were in jail. Like, you were in prison. It's crazy they get boxes of tissue in jail.

You could probably use it to kill a snitch. Just so many places. They've got so much clean-up stuff in their mouth. Boxes of clean... Oh, no, they just pile it up. They've got so much Kleenex stuffed in their mouth. They just stuffed boxes of Kleenex. Oh, no, they just pile it up. They just take Kleenex after Kleenex. It takes the whole night. Death by a million cuts. Cuts?

Yeah, from the tissue paper. I couldn't quite hear what you said. But is it possible she thought he meant crying tears? Oh, yeah. No, that's impossible. With that guy? I don't think. Yeah, no, this guy's got...

Fat Jeff Foxworthy. Yeah. That's a bad... Jeff Foxworthy getting fat is the worst kind of fat, because a skinny person getting fat... I'm always sad for that, because that's... Because they're he just i think i can only imagine like a fat jex fat jex fox where's he

that's the thing when cops pull you over all right say the alphabet backwards now say fat jeff fox what's happening the mid mid-flat. Flirt. Jerf. Plax and burp. Snake who ate a bowling ball, is what I was going to say. Just real skinny. Grover. Grover belly. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, Grover's so cute.

Yeah. Grover's my favorite. Favorite of the Sesame Street crew? No, the president, Grover Cleveland. His little belly. Yeah. So cute. I mean, Taft, Grover Cleveland. His little belly. Yeah. So cute. I mean, Taft's belly is legendary.

Do you remember... Nah, I'm just going to step out of that joke. Fair enough. I'm just going to get out of the oncoming car that was that joke. Sure. It's not about speech being called near or far. It's fine. Okay.

Yeah, that's all right. We have a joke opt-out program. I pulled the cord. I pulled the cord. Thank you. I like the cord. It was a wise choice. Here is your final overheard of 2014.

Hi, guys. This is Whit from Brooklyn. And I was riding the subway home from work, and it was a fairly empty train. And near the end of my ride, a guy gets on the train, and he says, Ladies and gentlemen, so I'm ready for whatever pitch he says, I am not homeless. I am not hungry. I do not want your money.

I just like rapping about Jesus on the train. And then he did, and he was pretty good. Yeah. I don't know. I think I'd be like, just take some money and get off the train. Yeah, I know. If I pay you, be like Just take some money and get off the train If I pay you, will you not rap about Jesus for a while? Yeah But that's a thing

In New York trains You can rap about anything except for Jesus Yeah, one of my friends tells jokes On the BART in San Francisco Friend is a strong word It's me It's me I don't know why I was distancing myself Like walks onto a train in San Francisco. Friend is a strong word. It's me. It's me.

I don't know why I was distancing myself. Like walks onto a train, tells a couple of jokes. I would use a lot of insult humor because people on the public transit feel too good about themselves. Yeah, they're ready to laugh.

How about this idiot? I'm coming from a funeral. Yeah, I guess he makes, you know guess he makes a little bit of money. At what cost? Yeah, Adam Lissagor used to play drums in one of the subway stations for a little while. Yeah, when he was going to school there. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Like a bucket drums? No, no, I think Adam plays, I've never, Okay, so this might be an elaborate lie, but I'm... Past guest, Adam Lissacar. I'm to understand that Adam plays a pretty good jazz drum. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. He likes jazz.

He does appreciate jazz. That's why I don't know, because I don't want to hear jazz drums. Not even over the phone? Where you could just hear a little bit of it and then just hold it away from your head? You know, maybe he plays it sometimes on our late night calls, and I'm already asleep, and he just kind of passes the time. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba make any sense yeah stupid old um now scott simpson sure thank you for being our guest thank you for having me as your guest uh do you have anything that in particular you would like to plug

no we've got lots of listeners what about your twitter yeah sure very funny on twitter look at my twitter it's at scott simpson yeah it's uh it has stayed at the exact same number of followers give or take 10 or i'm'm going to say six months. Really? Yeah. And I'm not looking at daily, but every time I do notice. That all changes today. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody. Unsubscribe. Yeah. Yeah, I just want change. I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll see a fluctuation. I just want something to happen.

Yeah. Careful what you wish for. But, you know, right now I do a lot of joke shows. I don't know what you call them. Joke shows? Comedy? Grinspins. A grinspin?

You do live comedy? Is that what we're doing? I guess. Can you do that? Is there somewhere in San Francisco that you are regularly at? Mixed Emotions? I meant Mixed Emotions. I'll be at Mixed Emotions most Tuesdays. That's a good name for a comedy club as well. It is Mixed Emotions? I did. I'm at Mixed Emotions. I'll be at Mixed Emotions most Tuesdays.

That's a good name for a comedy club as well. That's true. Mixed Emotions. I like, that works for almost like an auto body store. Yeah.

You know, almost, maybe less. But no, I do a lot of jokes around San Francisco and you can find that on my,

you can find the link on my Twitter. Twitter. Alright. Dave, you got to plug anything? These dates? Yeah, maybe these shows, tickets for these shows will be on sale.

Maximumfun.org. We will be in Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver with Jordan Jesse Go. That is happening on April 25th, 6th, and 8th. But don't come crying to us. Don't you go quoting us on it. Don't go quoting us, just trying to change us. That sounds fun. I think I might come to at least maybe one of your shows.

But you don't live here. I got miles. He's got miles! He can fly wherever he wants. I got these miles. He's like George Clooney in that movie. Oh, yeah. The most miles.

Speed. It's a lot. Pl most miles. Plane man. Plane man. Ocean's 11 million miles. If you want to check out the blog recap that goes along with each and every episode of the podcast, you can go to MaximumFun.org. There will be pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Hard to say what, though.

Joshua Tree, a picture of that, maybe? Sure. What else did we talk about? Dad stuff. Yeah. Talked about baby stuff. Maternity pants. A guy wearing maternity pants.

Oh, well, pictures of Scott Simpson's sperm. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They've all got little glasses. And barber coats. And thank you so much, much again for being our guest. Thank you guys. This is the best.

Thanks for listening. If you like the show, tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.