Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 324 - Peter Carlone

Episode Date: June 2, 2014

Comedian Peter Carlone joins us to talk volleyball, cutlery, and Step By Step.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 324 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who just got a brand spanking new rug. It's very exciting, Mr. Dave Shumka. Graham's of course talking about my toupee.

It looks great. Yeah, I wanted something spiky. Yeah, will that stay on in a pool? Oh no. No, you have to take it off in the locker room put on a swim cap yeah put on a swim toupee it's plastic it's plastic it's uh it looks like superman's hair perfect every time you get out of the pool yeah oh it's a little bit blue yeah where the light catches it that piece that comes down on your forehead? Yeah, a little curl. Oh, yeah. That's what holds it in place.

On my head tack. And that other voice you hear is our guest for today. Very funny sketch comedian and improviser. Would I say improviser as well? Let's take it. We'll do it. All right. And one half of the sketch duo, Peter and Chris, Mr. Peter Carlone.

Hello, bonjour. Bonjour uh bonjour bonjour to you gratuity um you know uh with a last name like carlone yeah people are thinking yeah uh italian and they're right really yeah yeah so my dad is french. Okay, what does that mean? Very romantic. Yeah, he's very, very romantic and very aggressive. He sees what he wants. Wait, how real do we get on this? No, and my mother is British, British, British. British, British, British. She has very imperialistic genes.

That explains her coloring. Exactly. For those of you at home, very, very pale. Which is what Dave was referring to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the Carlone. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us. Now, Carlone, every time this, I remember it. I think about taking out a Carlone. That's how I remember it. Your last name. Can't we do the mob thing mob thing the corleone and then you take out the e nope too confusing okay we'll stick i don't know i don't know i'm not familiar

with the mob the mob doesn't exist such thing as the mafia we'll stick with i can help you get a car have you ever gotten a car loan i have not oh you should try and be like hey what and then when and then when they're like okay and your full name for the loan and then i go peter are you ready yeah hit a tape player get some co-workers in here i think this is a get everyone around and then i just point to the top of the sheet that says car loan like it's that yeah just write that they're like, Carlone? And you're like, no, no. Yeah. So you're a fringe performer. Mm-hmm.

You do full hour-long stage shows. Yeah. Which sounds like a lot of work. Sure. How's it been going? You're in a duo. Half of your duo lives in Toronto, and then you live out here. Yeah. You're like Tegan and Sarah.

Yeah, exactly. Do they live in... Are they transcontinental? Yeah. And I'll be Tegan. Sure. I don't know. Who's the...

I don't know. Who's the sassier of the two? I think one of them is like a better interview, and that's it. Oh. Maybe at the end you can decide if I'm a Tegan or a Sarah. Oh, no, I not mean from personal experience. I think just like one of them, hey, they have one funny member and one shy member. Oh, yeah, it's like the Beatles, but only two.

Oh, yeah. Has anyone started a sketch troupe where everyone's the shy one? Called the shy ones. The shy locks. Shy guys. Oh, that doesn't work. Oh, the shy locks. That's a totally different thing.

It just has shy in it. Yeah, they'll give you a car loan um how is that uh like what do you guys uh how does that work it was weird at first chris and i have a shorthand now i mean we've been doing it for six years so we kind of know what we're talking about when we're like trying to build a a scene or a sketch into one of our shows but every so often it'll be like you know and then my character says that's not the right lettuce and then i go oh you can't see that right so and then i'll have to explain to him like oh what i meant what i was doing the jack off motion yeah something like that that's usually

what it is so at first there was a bit of that like frustration with being like i just want to show you how this is funny. Because we have a very physical base. What do you use, Skype? No, we actually just use phone. Telephone. Oh, phone. Telephone.

I don't know if you've ever... They have step-on phones. Yeah, but have you ever written over Skype? There's that weird delay. No, I haven't done it. And timing is so important when you're pitching a joke or a bit. Oh, yeah. Like you've said it and then you're waiting.

Yeah, but it was actually his connection dying. Yeah, not getting anything out of that yeah and then 15 minutes later and then it all comes flooding stop stop writing sketches over telegram is the worst yeah unless it's singing telegram the old west was a difficult time to be a very good sketch to make i'm gonna live in the wild west you're gonna live in the settled east yeah it's gonna be uh we're gonna be called the western union brothers we shall write a sketch um and uh you're originally from calgary yeah i'm originally from calgary oh and we were guessing high schools you went to uh central high school central memorial i'm so bored and you went to wise High School. Central Memorial. I'm so bored.

And you went to Wisewood. No. Gave it a shot. Lord Beaverbrook. Close. We're going to get you. I don't know. Did you...

What were Central's... What was their team? You know what was the shitty thing? If we can talk about this for a second. Yes. What was your... But what were your teams? The Lord Beaverbrook lords

right gay lords it should have been the lord vikings beavers really central like the rams we had the rams the rams what is that that doesn't that's very aggressive it's very pro sports should be the central centurion i'm sorry for saying that and i like i try not to be homophobic but i think gaylord is still a really funny word. Yeah. No, you're right. Louis C.K. bit about, you kind of miss it. Yeah, I remember growing up in high school.

Speaking of that, it was, yeah, it was a big football school, I think. Right. And drugs. And when I say I transition entirely to drugs. I try not to be homophobic. I mean, naturally, we all are. It turns very hard not to be homophobic. I mean, naturally, we all are. It's very hard not to be. I'm just going to back that up for the rest of the show.

When I choose my words carefully. Just so you guys know. So you were a Ram. Did you play on the football team? No, I... Oh, God. Cheerleading squad? I was not even...

I don't even know we had a cheerleading squad. But the coach bamboozled me into managing the girls' volleyball team. That's not a bad gig. I was like, oh, manager. You hear that in the real world. I got some good gigs lined up for your volleyball team. And it was the ball bag and keeping stats, which I didn't care for or understand. Did they call you the ball bag? Yeah. Ball bag, get over here. care for or understand. Did they call you the ball bag? Yeah.

Ball bag, get over here. They might as well. No, no. Manager was the tiniest modicum of class that they could lend to my horrible job. There's so many stories of volleyball team managers dating the star of the volleyball team. I do not have one of those stories. Now. Is it too late for me to get a job managing a high school girls volleyball team?

No, Dave, it's never too late. I think it's the perfect time. Yeah, exactly. We're going into summer vacation, so we can send out resumes all summer. So what did you, you said you had to carry the ball bag And you also had to What? Keep stats? Yeah like so

Whose stats? Well the coach would desperately Try to explain what a stat was So it was like You have to keep spikes And assists And like defensive plays Yeah on all these players

Yeesh Which were all However many years old girls are In high school 15 or whatever Sure And you've never lived Until you've had a 15 year old girl Make a joke about Which were all however many years old girls are in high school, 15 or whatever. Sure. And you've never lived until you've had a 15-year-old girl make a joke about spit-shining her shoes to you as she passes by.

No! Oh, like... Oh, and I was holding all the water bottles, too, by the way. I had a tray, one of those, like, plastic little... Did you do any orange slices? No, I didn't. I didn't really take my managing job seriously. Yeah, if I was in charge of stats, I would't. I didn't really take my managing job seriously. Yeah, if I was in charge of stats, it would have been like, all right, you still have the longest ponytail.

Yeah, just really base it on their appearance. Keith, you're still the prettiest. Had I been who I am now back then, yeah, I'm sure I would have had a great time with it. Because what was at stake if you screwed up? It's like, oh, you lose your job as the manager. Well, I think I did. I only remember three or four games. I don't think that's a good manager career. No, that's probably.

Yeah, your stats were poor in that department. My stats were very poor. Four games attended. Four. Yeah. We're trading you. Numbers, stats, records. Training shifts were three of those.

And then the one where I quit. Oh, wow. Good for you. Yeah, I gave it a shot. I played on the high school volleyball team for exactly one season. No, because I had a... It was a co-ed. And I had a crush on a girl that was on the team.

And so what better way to woo a girl than to humiliate yourself at a sport you're very bad yeah like so i was so terrible at it oh i imagine you wearing uh like converse chuck taylor and wearing like uh something like for ear protection and then goggles and that classic moment of like hey watch this as you take a ball to the face. You turn to impress her. Yeah, I take one ball to the face, one to the nut. There's too many balls on the court. They added the second ball that day.

There's a new rule. Football comes in and hits me in the butt. And the manager ticks that off as a stat. Yeah. Face? Ball. Most balls received into body What happened to the girl? She went on to date

Somebody very hunky Probably on the football team Our football team wasn't Like when you see in High school movies The most popular guys in the school were on the football team It wasn't The media heads It was mostly the school were on the football team. It wasn't... The media's heads?

Yeah. It was mostly the guys that held the coolest parties. They were at the top of the chain. Right, yeah. And then everybody else... You know, they weren't mutually exclusive. We didn't have a football team. There wasn't really high school football here.

There's sort of like... There's a few teams that do it, and then there's... here there's sort of like there's a few teams that do it and then there's um and there's like whatever outside of school sports is called intramural no oh extracurricular extracurricular yeah um what about like did your high school either of your high schools have like a weird team that nobody knew about until the end of the year when the yearbook came out we had a diving team improv team i was on my friend started a dodgeball team but the problem with that is you have to have other team like you can't just have a team yeah you have to have a league we just stand on one side of an empty gym and hope another team shows up no we did have like a golf team and then, you would see their picture in the yearbook at the end,

and it would be one coach, three guys, one of whom you knew, and you're like, I didn't even know we had one, let alone that you were on the team. I always pictured the West Coast as having more Hunger Games-style teams, like archery team, rowing, horse eating. We did have a horse husband. Whatever you do with horse eating. We did have a horse husband. Whatever you do with horse eating. Like, you have to have...

It's just a picture of the three kids and then the horse. Yeah. This was our horse. Yeah, the team was called the I'm with horse. And everyone's just giving a thumb. Hey, who let him in? But it was, right? It was really outdoorsy.

I mean, is that... I guess so. We didn't, like, the problem here is it rains so much. Right. And, like, if you play youth soccer, they don't let you play on the grass in the rain. So from, like, October to March, you're playing on gravel. So you get really hard. Yeah, you get really hard.

And then... That's not what I meant. And to release the pressure yeah you go play soccer yeah you get really hard or really wet depending on the weather oh no but yeah no like a lot of scrapes you're not supposed to slide on it, but people still do. And also, no one told me I wasn't supposed to slide on it. I was admired for my sliding. Right. Did you slide, like, every chance you could? On gravel, on hard concrete?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would get big, bloody raspberries up my thighs. But that was like tattoos in high school. Like, look at this. You'd show it off. You'd wear shorts for the rest of it. Like, look at this. You'd show it off. You'd wear shorts for the rest of the day. Like, look at this sweet scar. Look, it goes all the way up my butt.

He's so good at sliding. That's important to us now. Yeah. Ooh, you'll never guess how long I took a bath for after I got this. The nurse said there was rocks in it. There was rocks inside me. The nurse said there might have been a diamond in there. I almost had to go to the hospital.

Which was also a badge of honor in high school, I think. What, going to the hospital? Well, like any injuries. Yeah. Well, at least maybe in my school. I mean, it's still a badge of honor. Yeah, if you successfully go to the hospital. Yeah.

Yeah, but doesn't it include all the old like aging things too though because like when somebody's oh i broke my arm like oh no yeah that's it for you it's gonna be a really bad arm for forever as an old guy yeah when you're young it's like yeah of course you broke your arm that's sick yeah yeah let me sign your cash just drop balls all over yeah it was the funniest thing i broke my arm riding one of these. I was riding two horses at the same time. West Coast high schools. When we were going up against the other horse husbandry team. Our rivals.

I stole their horse. Horse husbandry. But not the horse they use for the husbandry. Their mascot. Just toilet papering their mascot horse. They're the Colts. The Colts. All the teams were the Colts.

It was the Colts versus the Mustangs. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot. The other horse. The other horse. Was there a mascot horse. They're the Colts. The Colts. All the teams were the Colts. It was the Colts versus the Mustang. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot. The other horse. The other horse. Was there a mascot? Did you have a mascot for your assorted teams?

Yeah, it was like one of the students who was tall enough to actually wear a ram coat. He's just a tall student. Please welcome our tallest student. The mascot for moral tall guy. We're going to retire his number when he graduates. Yeah, I know it was a ram. I think it was a ram's head. You're going to get comments.

Did you drink any wine out of it or blood out of a ram's head? Yeah, I don't. Well, like I said, I was the manager, so I wasn't permitted. Yeah, but you had a little tray of ram's heads for everyone to drink blood out of it was a weird school wow what was your uh the blue demons oh it was a blue demon yeah yeah that's right for real that's a real thing yeah the kids blew demons the blue demons yeah yeah calvin that wouldn't have gone over well so cool in in canada's mini bible belt oh come on come on. Demons? Demons aren't. Are there demons in the Bible?

Aren't there? There's ghouls. No, there's demons. And ghouls. Oh, sure. In Deuteronomy. If you like that book. I don't know.

How in-depth do they go into hell in the Bible? Well, there's an episode in the Bible. Uh-huh. Sure. Last week on Bible. Last week on Bible. Last week on Bible. No, we're, I mean, I don't know. Are we getting biblical here?

Jesus. Jesus. Elohim, whatever. Takes all those demons out of that guy and puts them in a pig. And then the pig runs into the ocean. I'm literally not making that up. Why does the pig run into the ocean? Because there's a thousand demons in this guy they're not near the ocean oh i don't think it was jesus either i think it was one of the prophets i don't remember but he goes and he talks

i think so and it's like jesus but that's where we get that whole i am legion right the demons say i am legion right i control this I control this body. It's pronounced, I am legend. It's a Will Smith movie. And then Will Smith leaves that guy, goes into a pig. Puts his dog on a treadmill. And then the pig's like, I make this look good. Welcome to Earth. And then runs into the ocean and dies.

That's a real thing. At what part in the Bible do they kick the guy into the pit? That's 300. This is Jerusalem and then kick someone. This is madness. This is Jerusalem. This is Nazareth. Every possible.

And then they went to Galilee. And then he was like, this is Galilee. Kick. I wonder what their garbage town was in Bible days. Oh. Oh, that town's a shithole. Don't do any stand-up there. Samaritan.

Samaritan. I thought it was like, isn't Sodom and Gomorrah? Those were the ones that got destroyed for being so awesome. Oh, like they were like the Las Vegas. The good Samaritan sort of implies that everyone else, all the other Samaritans are shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it was like, even a Samaritan, like, nobody helped him. This crappy Samaritan did. So that must have been a crap town.

The show last night was rough, a crowd full of Samaritans. A regular Samaritan. Not good ones. Yeah, I don't know. I've never thought about, like, if somebody was doing... Was it Samarita? Sumatra? Well, it's hard to think of when you think of an old... The delicious coffee.

Medieval towns or Bible towns. Most people lived there and had jobs. They were probably late for bread making and then got in trouble from their boss. How could you be late before clocks existed? Oh, that's a good point. The sun was supposed to be here. Look how long the shadow is. Look how weird. Yeah, maybe that sund a good point. The sun was supposed to be here. Look how long this shadow is. Yeah, maybe a sundial.

Yeah. But you would just like, yeah, I don't know. Old Testament or New Testament? Because in the Old Testament, there were people that were alive for like 300 years. Yeah. Did they have jobs? Well, yeah, building an ark. Yeah, that one dude.

Assorted arks. Had to buildorted arks. That's the name of his business. Yeah, had he built an ark before? I haven't seen the movie. No, I don't know. I don't think anybody had. Wasn't that the thing?

Yeah, like he was just given and... That would have been great if he was just told to build a big square. What's an ark? And then go inside it. What's a cubit? And then God's like trust me it'll be fun put a floor in this it just floods up oh shoot i wanted the one with pontoons i mean i get i've always wondered that about that flood which actually happened i'm presuming uh what about the people with sailboats and and with provisions. Yeah. Didn't they survive too, maybe? Yeah, but it was only 40 days.

I know, but it did flood everyone. Like, it was a lot of rain, man. Right, true. But I mean, if they had a boat, theoretically, they could have fished and just done it. Or just eaten the other dead bodies. There's probably so much dead, whatever, zebras. The unicorns that missed the... And it's like,

I think it's Eddie Izzard has a whole bit about like how there were animals that could float, like ducks. Right. So he's like, so there are evil ducks that weren't.

Because they didn't get cleansed. Yeah, they didn't get cleansed. So there were ducks and seagulls and pelicans and all those things. Well,

and every single fish. Yeah. So I'll be like, yeah, I'll be fine. That's why they have those, you know, like ancient dinosaur fish. Yeah. It's probably like, yeah, I'll be fine. That's why they have those, you know, like ancient dinosaur fish. Are we actually proving creationism right now?

Is that what's happening? We're improving it. That's what we set out to do. Improving it. It's good, but it could be better. Yeah. I mean, God had a plan. I have a slightly different plan. What if God was one of us guys?

Oh, boy. Like a slob? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Richard. What else? Well, you know, what's going on with you, Dave? Oh, boy. Well, we only recorded the last episode, oh, what, 36 hours ago?

Oh, wow. So not much has happened, but I did go and see Draft Day. I don't know what that is. Oh, Jon Hamm. Nope. That's Zillion Dollar Arm. Million Dollar Arm or whatever. Draft Day, I went and saw that in the theater again.

And that is Kevin Costner. Yeah. He is in charge of, he's a general manager of a football team. So the ball is in the water. The ball is in the water. He's the manager. Okay. Sure, no, general manager.

Oh, this is a salaried position. Oh, right. Your understanding of manager is all balls in water. It's all based on my screen. And he is, it's all about the NFL draft. And Kevin Costner, manager generally of the Cleveland Browns. Okay. Dennis Leary is the coach.

Oh, brother. He used to be the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. And he's like, like, we win championships. Dennis Leary over here. Did he give them motivational speeches a la truck commercials? Like really snarky ones.

Why don't you be a man? Yeah, he was an asshole the whole time. He sang his song Asshole. He smoked the whole thing. Weird, weird movie. He smoked a giant... Giant cigarette. A giant cigarette the size of a goalpost.

No, there's no coaching going on because it happens on draft day. Okay. Did you say you've seen it twice? Yeah. Was this the second time? This is the second time I saw it. So this movie blew your mind? I like a sports movie.

Yeah. Okay. Wow. Now, in the preview, I've only seen the preview of it, there's a thing where Kevin Costner says, like, give me one more second before you fire me. Yeah. Is that the stand up and cheer moment? He stands up to Frank Langella like it's nobody's business.

Hard to do. Frank Langella, the owner of the Cleveland Browns. Yep. It features Frank Langella. Yeah. Kevin Costner. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Dennis Leary Langella. Yeah. Kevin Costner. Yeah. Wow.

Dennis Leary. Wow. Power Houses. Alias. Jennifer Garner. Garner. As alias. And then it-

As the show alias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She plays Sidney Poitier, or Sidney whatever her name was. Sidney Poitier. She was like, get out of here. I'm Mr. Tibbs. she was like get out of here i'm mr tibbs and then uh yeah and then everyone else in the movie plays themselves so it's all like dion sanders is here hey high fives weird is that really true yeah there's a lot of uh sports what's

weird to me about those movies where they have uh uh people playing their real selves and then they have famous actors playing characters that means that in that world those famous actors don't exist that's true so there's no jennifer garner in their world which means there's no alien or i don't want to think about a world that has no jennifer yeah they just have Sidney Plutier They probably have like Alias in that world probably starred Oh I don't know Some Natalie Portman Too big Oh boy who was like an equivalent at the time

Or was she in that world Jennifer Love Hewitt Jennifer Love Hewitt And then yeah I mean who would have made those great Kevin Costner movies Yeah exactly Oh Robert Redford Robert Redford's too old, who would have made those great Kevin Costner movies? Yeah, exactly. Oh, Robert Redford. Robert Redford's too old.

Nah, he would have made them, though. He still would have made them. Yeah, all those old baseball players coming out of the cornfield would have been like, Hey, you're Robert Redford. I remember you from my lifetime. Because that's how this universe worked. Yeah. That's how things went down here we recognize oh boy the butterfly effect of yeah exactly real people in a fake movie

so what uh is this trading day or draft day training day is different training day only slightly yeah king kong ain't got nothing on me. Is it based on a true story? No. It's based on, it came out around the time of the NFL draft. Okay. And it, yeah, and the Cleveland Browns get the number one pick somehow with a trade. They traded, it was trading day.

Yeah. First it was trading day, then it was drafting day. And I didn't see the movie. I'm completely lying. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I thought. This whole time? Yeah, well, we had nothing to talk about, so I wanted to see how long I could talk about this movie.

I totally. And you decided that you'd seen it twice in this made-up world. I totally assumed you'd seen it, because you do love a sports film. Yeah, well, when we went to. You love to book. When we saw Brent Butt's movie in the theater, they had a trailer for draftraft Day, and I was like, oh yeah, I'm going to see that. Yeah. Still haven't, though.

No, I've still only seen it once. Oh, I don't know what's real now. Well, guaranteed. So we don't know if that whole conversation about Deion Sanders being in it, is that true? That's true. That's true? I did look at the cast list. At least.

You know what? I do some research before I come here today. Yeah, you did a little background work. No, I'll see that. I'm going to see Million Dollar Arm. What is that? That's the Jon Hamm. That's the Jon.

Goes to India. He tries the food. It's very spicy. Yeah, it's too spicy. He likes the American style. Yeah, it's too spicy. He likes the American style. Yeah, it burns his arm. He sues for a million dollars. This food is so spicy, it burned my arm.

It drops it on his arm. Do you ever cook jalapenos or anything? I used to. Until what? Until that day? No, it was a restaurant I worked for. But you get them on your fingers. Oh, yeah. And then you forget and then you, like, scratch your eye. Anything.

Yeah. Eye. You go to the washroom. You're right. Oh! Oh, boy. Downstairs. What are those little chilies, right? The little red ones. Yeah. Yeah, I had to cut those in a restaurant I was working for as a prep cook. And I remember one day cutting them. Just a whole bunch of them. You have to dice them up real small.

And you don't have a lot of time. And they're small. That happens in draft day. He's cutting chilies. He's cutting chilies and he starts to cry. He's cutting season's tickets. So I cut the tip of my thumb open. Oh, why'd you do that?

So spicy. And holding a pile of juicy half-cut chilies. Oh boy, yeah. I'm half-cut chilies oh boy yeah so the caps i'm half cut myself yeah yeah yeah goes right up your arm like my whole arm was throbbing it was fascinating no throbsters that sounds like a nightmare yeah it was i do that from time to time And like you know You get lemon juice on it Or put your arm in a vat of vinegar Yeah

You just feel like a character In one of those action movies Vat of vinegar? When they cut themselves And pour something on it Oh yeah Oh yeah And now I know

I have a reference To what that actually feels like Yeah what do I don't think you really Have a reference to that Because they wouldn't Put chili on it Well if that's all That was reference to that because they wouldn't put chili on it. Well, if that's all that was available.

Okay, fair enough. They would put chili juice on it. Usually alcohol. Have you ever poured alcohol on a wound? I haven't done that. On a wound? No. Like rubbing alcohol, I have.

I just assume it'll be fine. I just go, oh, well. Oh, well. Do your thing, body. Arm falls off. I never... I don't have the biggest wounds. I live kind of a... Our types

tend not to wound ourselves. Yeah. That's true. We're a soft pillowy class. Just about to go on stage, gotta get past this running jigsaw. Go do some jokes. Oh no, I've wound. I have done more puzzles

than I've seen jigsaws. Do you have to cut jigsaw? Okay, I'm not going to go there. Do you have to cut a jigsaw puzzle with a jigsaw? I think that's where it comes from. Yeah. I think they probably do it with lasers now. Yeah, lasers.

Are they called laser puzzles now? They're called laser puzzles. They grow them organically. Yeah. Just, yeah. And then they're like, oh, yeah, it's a Death Star. GMO puzzles. Like, just, yeah. And then, like, GMOs. Oh, yeah. It's the Death Star. GMO puzzles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's naturally cut. Oh, yeah. It's the Death Star. Gross. Gross. It's growing. Yeah.

There's puzzles. They're fuzzy puzzles. But, seriously, the only thing that has happened is, well, we got a new rug today. That's fine. Amazing. Ordered it a couple weeks ago. But we ordered new cutlery back in like March. Oh yeah.

And when we got married, Abby and I, we got... Congrats. Thanks. Almost three years ago. A little late. We registered for cutlery, and no one bought us any of it. So it's not like we got one set of cutlery,

and we're like, oh, we better... Get more. Or you just got one fork in the mail. Yeah. Would you take that as a judgment on your choice of cutlery? Like, everyone was looking, like, no, I'm not getting them those.

I think people were like, oh, that's no fun. I don't want to get them that. I don't want to get them this rad toaster oven. So you have 16 toaster ovens. I think people were like, oh, that's no fun. I don't want to get them that. I want to get them this rad toaster oven. So you have 16 toaster ovens. Item limit unlimited. We're registered at Toaster Ovens Bath and Beyond. As many as possible.

We've sort of been half-heartedly like, oh, let's get some cutlery one day. And because what we have cutlery. Yeah, but it's all like I was thinking about this. What do you when you move out of your parents house? Yeah. What do you have for cutlery?

Like, what do people get? Yeah. Because we I got my parents gave me some old stuff. Yeah. But not enough. Not a whole set. Nothing was really matching. And then we, I think we went back to our university once.

We went to the cafeteria and just stole a bunch. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like a lot of mine was like a fork from Earl's. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like a spoon that was, I don't know why the spoon was so big you know what i mean like it was from some you're supposed to build up your collection then when you get

married you join collections and you melt them down maybe reforge your forks uh so we finally found a place to get reforge your forks i like that as a as a secondary business what was our first business that we came up with i do not know oh no damn it oh you have your second one now yeah yeah um so yeah we went and we got like we ordered them in march and then they said they were backordered until april and then they sent them to us we actually went we went to a store and saw them in person. And the customer service was so bad. We were like, we'll just order these online. Yeah, see you later. So yeah, we ordered them online.

They came in April, I think. And they were all wrong. They sent us everything wrong. Like a mix and match box? Like a box with all wrong different types of forks? Because that would require effort. Well, we sent... To do it that wrong?

Like, let's get this really wrong. We ordered ten sets, and we were just sort of estimating, like, how many sets do we need? I don't know. Two. Nothing matches. Grandpa doesn't use... I guess the baby's on the way. Eventually, the baby...

Yeah, we'll need three eventually. Yeah. baby's on the way eventually the baby yeah we'll need three eventually yeah uh and they sent us four of the set and then just six random things that aren't that we didn't surprise and like i got on the phone with them and they were super confused about what what was wrong with the order and like i nothing like there's an alarm clock in here this isn't cutlery nothing matched up from like what we ordered to what was on the packing slip to what was actually packed. And so we had to take pictures of everything they sent us. Oh, no.

And then they were like, oh, well, screw this. We'll just send you a whole new thing. So now we have 14 sets of cutlery, which is, we were like, oh, that's probably a good amount. Doesn't fit in our drawer now. It's too much. What's your cutlery situation? I've been a bachelor for a while. All right.

Exciting stuff. Confirmed. And I remember, I think three or four years after moving out on my own and having my whole fork situation being a major problem, I just did the whole, went to the bay, I think. Oh, you just took care of business. Yeah, it's not that fascinating of a story. I just went and I purchased but it's Didn't expect it to be like a super fascinating story. I do steel forks

Is that weird kind of in a drum where from restaurants that I have it's like that Johnny Depp scenery it's so good. He shoots the chef or whatever eat something so good. You remember that no It doesn't matter point is no no I will we got to get to the bottom okay? scene where it's so good he shoots the chef or whatever, he eats something so good, you remember that? No! Point is... We gotta get to the bottom of this. Oh, Edward Scissorhands. He tries to get a gun. Yeah, if I ever eat at a restaurant

that was a really good experience or a really good memory or is really good food, I want a memento! I'll steal a fork. There's a really expensive place in Chicago. I have one of their forks. Oh, yeah. And in true Dexter fashion, I also hang them.

Murdered a man. I murdered a man. They're my trophies. In true Dexter fashion, I'm Dexter. So you hang them up somewhere? Yeah, I hang them over my kitchen archway. Wow. I jam them in the outlet.

Yeah. Get a good high. Wow. So you have a little kind of controlled kleptomania. I think just for fun. I think it's like a fun control. Well, you get a tiny bit of an adrenaline rush. Sure.

When stealing a fork. What if somebody sees you walk out with a fork? What if somebody sees you? Or what if one of your friends sees you and then calls you on how stupid that is? You'll either get in trouble or you'll get made fun of.

I once tried to steal, I went to the Olive Garden, maybe it was a macaroni grill. If you had the fork, you'd... And I signed the check and I was like, this is a really nice pen.

And the waitress was gone and I took the pen and she stopped me and she said uh oh i think you still have our pen and i was like so embarrassing oh you're like a yoink but i mean out of breast out of pocket protector i mean you could pass that off though you could be like oh yeah of course i just naturally put but you can't like oh i'm sorry sir i think you still have our fork yeah yeah i put it in my suit coat. I'm sorry, I thought it was a pen. Oh, what's this behind my ear?

Naturally, we'll put forks in my pockets. I believe you stole the crayon that you were coloring the placemat with. And Elmo is red, not green. It looks like Oscar. A grouch. But when you're picking out knives and forks and stuff yeah uh you look at the mall and you're like uh too expensive too expensive too expensive too expensive yeah um and then you pick one uh and you like all you can do is like pick them up yeah like mime

yeah eating food oh yeah this feels good to my yeah but you never know what they'll feel like in your mouth because you can't do that. Unless you do, and then you go, look at me. They should have some sample ones hanging from strings. Do you do that thing? I always do this thing where I think I'm, it looks like I must know what I'm doing, but I don't, where you try, like, where's the balance point? You put it on your finger, you're like, ooh, look how balanced this fork is.

Did you say you always do this? I always do. Well, the four times I've had to buy a utensil. Four times? I've only bought them once.

Bought them all at once. These are... I'm going to retire on these. Yeah. Your legacy forks. They plan to be buried with these forks.

Yeah. One day my children will forge them into... When they get married, I don't expect my children to marry each other. So far, I have none. Whatever happens, happens.

Que sera, sera. It's the future, then. So, yeah. Spooning leads to forking, and that's about it. I kind of felt like maybe, I might be wrong, but I thought that story had started out because you were talking about wounds. Did you have a... Wound? Yeah. A wound story with that? Not a new wound story. I don't you're talking about wounds were you did you have a wound yeah wound story with that not a new wound i don't know why old wounds yeah well there's no reason

picking that old i mean i got this guy but that's from uh washing a cup a broken glass that i uh i didn't know it was broken and i i started to shove my hand in and started washing it. So just sliding your hand around on a broken cup. Oh, man. Yeah, the worst. Don't buy glasses at Ikea. Yeah, fair. I mean, maybe get reframes, but not the lenses.

Somebody gave me a really cool perspective on that. You know when somebody drinks something and then smashes the cup? God, that was great. That was a good joke. That was in the Thor movie, too. He smashes the cup. Yeah. And somebody explained to me, like, you only know movies where people are smashing dinner. Or killing cooks or whatever.

Yeah. He explained the perspective behind that. It's like, you have a meal so good yeah that that is the peak meal for that particular dish like that plate just held the best thing it'll ever hold they broke them so you break it so you break the plate to honor that food that it held that was its last meal well with my cooking and my plates are in no worry. I guess that makes sense. But also.

I like the idea of that. Retire it. It's very somebody who has a lot of plates to smash. That's what I will do as a rich man. Or they're someone else's plates. I do that with beer cans. I crush them on my forehead. With my bros. Crushing some brews.

Have you ever seen anyone do that? I've only seen it in movies. I crushed them on my forehead with my bros. Crushed some brews. Brews with bros. Have you ever seen anyone do that? I've only seen it in movies. I've seen, this was high school times when that kind of thing. I've seen somebody crush the can on their head. I've seen somebody break a bottle over the back of their head. Really? I've seen that.

You and I both saw that in public. A guy just walked up to another guy. Oh, no. Hit another guy. This was hitting his own self over the back of the head with a bottle. Did they shatter like in the movies? I thought they didn't shatter. I thought they were really hard to break.

Like you injure that person. This beer bottle shattered, but you have to hit it, and he knocked himself clean out. Like he shattered the bottle, and then he took like two steps and fell over. He didn't fall into the shards. Maybe he did. Yeah, it was hard to say. He injured him. He shut himself down. He shut his brain off. he took like two steps and fell over he didn't fall into the shards maybe he did yeah he injured him he shut himself down he was he shut his brain off he wasn't bright but he was great to have at a party because he was gonna he was gonna do something crazy he was gonna do that yeah exactly

like and he was up for suggestions too of like crazy things to do so like where's the camping he would jump over a fire where is he now don't know don't know don't lost touch not on facebook i've looked him up on facebook but he's not sure yeah if he's listening call in yeah yeah 206-339-8328 like these people have crazy david e um yeah i wonder where he is now i don't really wonder i looked on facebook once couldn't find him that was it that was the extent of my research you ever uh like uh meet someone or or think back to a friend you had as as a child and you're like uh their name is way too common i'm never gonna find them on facebook yeah they're done they're done i'm gonna remember last names that's it

for that person oh yeah oh no she definitely probably got married, so I'm not going to know her last name anymore. Oh, yeah. I should look up that girl that I joined the volleyball team to try and arrest. She had a fairly... Susan Volleyball. They knew she was destined for a life in volleyball. Knee pads. Do you think more kids started playing volleyball after that Castaway movie.

Is that what it was called? Yeah, yeah. Oh, because of Wilson? I would have thought the Top Gun thing did it. Oh, sure. That's your peak volleyball, right? It got the maximum number of volleyball interest. I think you're right.

I don't know. I'm a Wilson man. I always have been. Dave's always been a Wilson man. So it's very organic volleyball. From home improvement forward. Yeah. Well's always been a Wilson man. So it's very organic volleyball. From home improvement forward. Yeah. Well, Dennis the Menace forward.

Oh, yeah. Oh, there we go. The great Wilsons of history. Is there another Dennis? Is there like a British character named Dennis the Menace? Oh, yeah. I believe we've discussed this in the past. He's a mean guy.

Very mean. He wears a striped Kurt Cobain sweater. Yeah, and he has a dog that attacks. He makes the dog attack. Is this a show or like a news article about a guy named Dennis who sucks? Yeah, it's a news article that comes out every week.

I'm sure we talk about it because there were two sets of cartoon Ghostbusters. Yeah. And there were two sets of cartoon Dennis the Menace's. And Dennis the Menace from Britain is really quite violent. Whereas Dennis the Menace American style was just a kid. Yeah, he's sort of a Mason Gamble type.

Pretty classy. Graham, what's going on with you? Well, like you say, I went field day or whatever the fuck it's called. Like you say? Here's what I did yesterday. Now, this is, I have two things. One from yesterday and then one from a couple weeks ago. But the one from yesterday really is the, I think, the champion bit.

bit um i for some reason oh i was writing something and i needed to reference uh child stars of the 90s okay and so i went on a list and then i went really down a crazy rabbit hole you know of youtube clips and uh because i was like oh yeah i remember this show or i remember that character from this show and there was was one character that I completely blocked out of my memory from a TV show. The TV show Step by Step. Okay. You remember? I remember Cody. Cody.

I completely forgot about Cody. You can't sleep on Cody. I mean, there were a lot of forgettable characters. The whole show was forgettable Except for Cody Not Stacey Keenan Stacey Keenan was Cody's love interest What?

On the show Yeah Really? Yeah Really? Yeah I forget that This is the thing

I forgot everything about this character Well there's Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers Yeah and they were the stars of the show when it started out and then slowly crept into the background. It was a TGIF show on ABC. Are you familiar with this show? Yes, but are you saying you just re-watched it all? No, what I did... I binge-watched

it. I just binge-watched it. Step by step. Day by day. If you've never seen it. A fresh start over. A different hand to play. The something we say. We'll be better the second time around. And then there's a roller coaster by a lake or something. Was it a Vindabona?

I don't know. Amazing. So, like, basically, if you've never seen the show before it was like a family sitcom it was like the brady bunch it was two single parents who came together they consolidated their silverware yeah reforged their forks yeah very medieval show yeah and it was and you can tell how many times someone's been married because their forks are looking worse and worse that oh this has been reforged too many times yeah this doesn't even look like a fork. It's just a blob.

They don't even shape. They just melt. They just melt. And then pour them into the fork drawer. And hope it all works out. Hopefully one of these ends up as a fork. Ooh, that one's still hot. Just try to shape it into some prongs.

Try to marry a blacksmith next time. Yeah. So, and then the show wasn't very good. What? I used to watch every episode. And then they had a character show up like Poochie from The Simpsons. Cody wasn't there at the beginning. Yeah.

And he showed up and then it basically became The Cody Show. Yeah. The same thing happened with Family Matters and Steve Urkel. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is, and is and full house and michelle like it was all like eventually was there the whole time but how frustrating must that be though for the other actors i mean or the writers even who had other plans it depends on can i do that like like i guess if you had a

story if you're reginald bell Johnson, you're like, this might get cancelled. And then you're like, oh, now it's not going to get cancelled. But if you're the girl, the daughter who disappeared. Just naturally written out. Well, so these are the things that I didn't remember about Cody.

That he existed on the show. Sasha, was his name Sasha something? Sasha Mitchell? Sure. he beat his wife apparently not on the show no but apparently like i read a bit into that apparently that uh was she was on drugs and he was defending his kids against her and so he now has the kids and it's difficult yeah this is a difficult thing this is difficult but this is these are the other things i don't remember about the show is that yeah that he had a crush on

the girl that he wasn't technically related to who was he uh he was patrick duffy's nephew he was cousin cody through marriage or something yeah well they because the girl was on the whatever on the mom's side so he could have a crush so he just pulled up in the show and he yeah and he lived in a van in their backyard okay do you remember that no yeah he lived in a van yeah and he was a martial arts expert and now how do i remember all this stuff? Somebody put together a montage. Because you looked it up. No, I watched this YouTube montage that was the best moments of Cody. And they had cut out, like, in scenes of dialogue, the other person's half of the dialogue and just kept in the Cody bits. Just Cody lines.

So it was just an hour and 35 minutes of Cody. Oh, shit. The montage was an hour and 35 minutes. It was a complete, Cody's complete contribution step by minutes. It was a complete... Cody's complete contribution step by step. It was a feature length. But with nobody else's, like... It's a feature length.

I watched an entire movie of just Cody. The Cody highlight movie. It was nominated for a feature length documentary. Was there an arc? Does Cody by himself have an arc? Like Garfield minus Garfield? It is kind of crazy because all the scenes where he would be talking to somebody

they just cut out the other person so he is just talking to himself for an hour and 35 minutes how many minutes did you watch this for an hour and 35 and then the other thing that's crazy all these themes just emerged as I was watching it.

Like he plays blues guitar a lot. And whenever he's sad, he plays blues guitar. And he's like, he's super dumb or super spacey or whatever. Right. And then the weirdest one that emerged is that he was a virgin and he was like super proud of it. Oh, wow. but he wasn't like a young character in the show he was in his like mid 20s that seems forced by the producers as like a a moral to push yeah or something yeah it was really weird and it's like was that during

a time when like virginity was a thing that the networks i really big into? Well, it was a children's show. Yeah. But it seems like a weird thing to bring up. Because, like, Saved by the Bell, there's no mention of any sex anywhere. Yeah. But, like, you're like, these kids are fucking, right? For sure. But, like...

Boy Meets World. Oh, yeah. Those people. Well, no, there is a rumor that they had sex in one of the episodes the cast members oh well no no just as i mean they did a point mr feeney mr everyone cory and topanga had sex and cory won't deny it and topanga won't confirm it well no she's she's furious at cory but in the having sex in the show? In the show or outside of the show, the actors? In the show. In the show they refused

to say they had sex. They didn't have sex. They spent the night in the school and then a rumor got started that they had sex. Oh, that's the plot. Yeah, and then Corey's like, maybe we did, maybe we didn't. I thought it was an Easter egg that you were sharing.

Yeah, no. The rumor is on the forums. The episode title was Smell My Finger. Oh. Yeah, so that's, I mean, you know, that's what I did, was I watched an hour and a half of just Cody. Of just Cody. And, like, are there other people's reaction shots and but just no words like there's sometimes

There's other people in the scene, but they're just there to set up Cody You know like they have a line, but it's really just just for code How many times does he use his martial arts? Is it like a pretty good action movie like three times in that the in that series? But like full martial arts sequences where he takes on like a whole bar of guys or like he kicks into his coffee machine is there any okay i'll watch this movie are there any scenes where he's doing martial arts while playing blues guitar uh no no that's just lazy writing yeah they were saving it for a season that never came. They got canceled.

Yeah. Anyway, so this weird trip down memory lane for... Must have been memory lame. Yeah. Pretty good. So that's what's new with me. Pretty much. That's fine. Yeah, right? I think for 36 hours, that's a lot new with me. Pretty much. That's fine.

Yeah, right? I think for 36 hours, that's a lot to have done. Especially when one and a half of them was spent watching Cody. That's the Cody show. The Cody movie. That registers as a percentage of that time you used. Oh, yeah. There's like a pizza slice dedicated to Cody movie.

Delicious. Maybe another pizza slice on its way. Maybe seconds. Maybe the Cody movie's better the next day. Oh, yeah. pizza slice dedicated to cody movie delicious well maybe another pizza slice on its way maybe seconds maybe the cody movie's better the next day oh yeah so i went and saw the cody movie again i've seen the cody movie twice yeah million dollar cody boy let's move on to overheard shall we yeah, have you guys heard that Ladies to Lady podcast? Yeah, bro. I listen to my girlfriend all the time, and it's made our relationship so much better and healthy.

But even though our relationship is healthy, I still totally want to date Barbara, Brandy, and Tess, because they're so funny and smart and pretty. Oh, my God. What is all this? What? Oh, they're here. That's right. I'm Barbara.

I'm Brandy. And I'm Tess. And we're Lady to Lady. We're a podcast. It's the three of us. We have a fourth girl on every week. I'm Brandi. And I'm Tess. And we're Lady to Lady. We're a podcast. It's the three of us. We have a fourth girl on every week. We solve lady problems. Just hang out.

Talk about stuff. Sometimes we have characters. We get weird. You can listen to us every Wednesday. We got a new podcast out. Go to MaximumFun.org or iTunes. Oh, it's Wednesday. I've got to load it right now.

Oh my God, I better go. I can listen to it while I'm bench pressing my quads. Yeah, bro. Tight, bro. Are you on the bus? Are you in public? Do you have a boring desk job where your boss doesn't mind if you have headphones in? Are you a stowaway in a boat? Are you a hobo on a boxcar who somehow got a hold of an iPod?

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and let us entertain you. Call us. We're laying on our beds wearing our college sweatshirts. Jordan Jesse Go. Every week, free at MaximumFun.org. Rest assured, the podcast doesn't have this creepy tone. It's normal, like a normal conversation. Plug your headphones in. We want to chat. And we want to chat.

Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which you regular folk, you're out there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, what? Were you calling people regular folk? What does that make you? You normies. I'm a commoner.

They're regular folk. Oh, okay. And I'm the working man. Yeah. Where, you know, you go out, you hear things, and then you report them back into the show. Can I say something that does not come off very well for me? When I was a kid, when I was like 10, 11, I would, after 10 o'clock, there would be a show called Sports Talk. It's 10 o'clock at night. Yeah.

This was before there was all Sports Talk radio. A two-hour show called Sports Talk, and they would have guests on, and they would talk about local teams, and they'd have experts on. And then they would have something called Open Phones, where any guy can call in and talk about whatever. And I remember as a 10-year-old thinking, you know what? I'm going to keep listening. I want to know what the common man thinks. You're a Frasier crane. Yeah, I know, right?

Now, we always like to start Overheards with the guest. Ooh. If you want to. If you want to. Otherwise, we can start. I thought of two things. Okay. Why don't you start with one? We Ooh. If you want to. If you want to. Otherwise, we can start. I thought of two things. Okay. Why don't you start with one?

We'll go around and come back. Yeah, around the corner. My over herd. All right. Was actually only a few days ago. Fair. I was waiting at the trains, the SkyTrain, the Metro. Stop it.

And going to visit my friend, Caitlin Williams. That doesn't, that's not a detail that's necessary. It's fine. I'm just adding. She pays you $500 every time you say your name on a podcast. And yeah, so I just made 500 bucks. And there's a guy standing next to me. We get on the train.

And then one of the train sort of maintenance workers gets on with like a cart. A train maintenance worker. A train maintenance worker. So we're all standing on there. And then one of the train sort of maintenance workers Gets on with like a cart A train maintenance worker So we're all standing on there And there's something in the air He can tell that this guy wants to kind of start a conversation And so he leans over and he says To the train maintenance worker The train maintenance guy

You get to ride for free eh? And the train guy goes Yes what? I said I was just saying that you get to ride for free, eh? And the train guy goes, yes, what? I said, I was just saying that you get to, and it becomes this whole exchange where he was just trying to get out of this quick little thing he wanted to say to brighten the guy's day, have a little laugh. It was supposed to go, hey, you ride the train for free. And then the guy was supposed to go, ha ha, sure. That was it. But now it becomes this whole thing.

And the train worker is like, I need to help this guy. He doesn't know, that was it. But now it becomes this whole thing. And the trainance worker is like, I need to help this guy. He doesn't know where he's going. So he's like, yes, train. Yes, sky train. No, no. I'm just saying it's because you work. So I assume you don't have to pay. And so he's just digging and digging.

Oh, man. I would have just like chopped my head off. Oh, I mean, I just like as a third person there watching it, just to change the subject for these two poor people. Look at this guy, he chopped his own head off. You have to clean that up, don't you? I'm sorry, I said you have to clean it up. I mean, I turned off my music and everything. I just settled into that show.

Oh boy, rough stuff. It was a good one. Did he get off at the next stop? To maintain things? He just quits. It was a good one. Did he get off at the next stop? To maintain things? He just quits. I don't get you. No, well, he had to do, I mean, I don't know where this is interesting, but he had to get off every, because the cart was so big.

Ah, yes. He had to get off at every stop. Oh, yeah. And then back on. Uh-huh. Big cart. But that was the last, he didn't try to, the other guy didn't try to start anything after every re-entrance.

Yeah, no, you want to be starting something. Hey, you again, he says. Hey, you again. Hey, you again. Welcome back. I'm going to be with you all day. I'm going to shadow you now. Yeah.

I want to learn about your life. I'm going to be kind of a creep. That just hangs out, makes comments. Is that illegal to do? A garbage groupie. Like regulars in stores. Yeah. Kind of use that?

Normies. Normies? Not like regular people. People that regularly patron a store. They'll go to that store. And part of that, it's a bit sad, but it's psychological. They want to have those people. Those people are their friends. So you're kind of trapped sometimes as a customer service person. Like, here's my regular. Unless they're cool.

Yeah, I guess there's cool regs. So, like, what happens if you're a SkyTrain guy? There's no cool regs on the SkyTrain. You follow a SkyTrain person around like they're trapped. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not.

Just riding the rails. Yeah, just with this sad, boring dude who rides the rails with you. And it's a dude almost. Well, I guess it could be old ladies that are... I go to a coffee shop and all the people knew my name and then they just change staff. And the people

they would ask like, okay, so what's your name for the coffee? It's Dave. And week after week went by of them forgetting my name, which is fine. I think I'm pretty forgettable, like Jason Bourne. But then today, the checkout person was like, it's Dave, right? And I said, yes, thank you.

I always try to get that started, like walk into a shawarma place. I'm like, I'll get my usual just to see if it works out. It rarely does. Shawarma. Yeah. I'll get my usual just to see if it works out it rarely does warm up yeah get my usual warm up yeah exactly the peter classic me do you guys want a headshot for your walls should I put up there no okay uh Dave do you have an overheard oh boy I think I probably I probably do. Sounds like me. Mm-hmm. Um, uh, yesterday, uh, speaking about coffee shop, I was at a coffee shop and they had, uh, people will sometimes leave like a flyer for, uh, I'm putting on a recital or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a stack of, of cards or- Come to my dumb thing. Yeah. Yeah. And then one person had put a stack of business cards. And I won't say the name of the business or the person's name. But it had the name of the business and then what the business is.

Which is biodynamic craniosacral therapy. Holy shit. Wow. I don't know what. I know cranio means brain. Yeah. Sacral. S-A-C-R-A-L That's the, isn't that the little points? Oh.

Is it your sacral points or something like that? See, I was gonna make a scrotum job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It might be that. I thought it was one of those hippie things with like the third eye. No, I think you're right. We do all your therapy from your cranium to your sack. Your sacrals.

Sacroiliac. And then, you know how like a specialist will have letters after their name? So like, Peter Carlone, PhD, or MD, or DDS. This person has... Thanks, by the way. Yeah, you're welcome.

This person has the letters in capital, R-C-S-T, which, if you look at it really quick, just looks like racist. It's like a band called The Racists, but we took out all the vowels

because we're a very hip band. Yeah, we're racist. Wow. What does that stand for? Something cranial sacral therapy. Stands for red hot chili peppers. Yeah. Wow, yeah.

I guess it's weird, like, if somebody's like that ethereal kind of hippie business, I'm impressed that they have business cards i'm impressed that they went to that instead of just like time to get real put out a wind chime it's not like just put out a wind chime with your name on it's not like a white business card with black lettering on it it's got it's oh yeah it's got some um look at that lens lens flare and. There's some bubbles. Outer space in it. Pretty good.

Are you going to go? Yeah, well I was, but then I found out what craniosacral means. Now you're definitely going to go. Maybe I should go to something weird like that. Oh, sure. I wonder what it is. I wonder if they touch you or if it's one of those things like you just sit in a room they put a triangle on your head explicitly say i will not touch you right this is not about that do you do happy endings yeah but they we don't do happy beginnings this is a real rough start yeah real bad start it's a real hero's journey i thought

i thought like the letters that come afterwards are supposed to be like an official thing, right? Doesn't that ruin the system if you start giving yourself your own lettering? I'm a racist. I'm a racist. R-C-S-T. No, I don't think it ruins anything. You can give yourself whatever. Yeah.

I gave myself chlamydia. But if you... C-H-L-A-M-I-Y-D-I-D-I. I deny. But I mean, if I just started putting that on my business cards, MD, I'd get in trouble, right? Major ding dong. Yeah, exactly. Major ding dong.

Wait, I didn't tell you what it stood for. Mellow dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how that system... Is there a rule? I guess.

I guess. Like, there used to be a rule about what was an esquire and what wasn't right no idea what it was no well you can become a lord uh uh just by owning a like a tiny plot of land in scotland so for like 500 you can get lord even less maybe that'd be cool but if you want to be the singer lord there's only one yeah until she dies and then she passes it on right like so much cutlery reforged um my uh over yes you thank you uh comes uh courtesy of also of transit and um it was a a guy first of all my introduction to the louder of the two guys was him belching so loud and i looked up at him like dude and he didn't he didn't seem to think

it was weird but like just he was like and uh then would you call this guy the common man? No, I would say he was sub-common. Oh, wow. Yeah. And so he was there, and then there was a smaller, quieter guy. And I thought, you know what would be great? If the three of us didn't talk for the whole trip. Oh, did that wish come true? But Burpo decides to talk to the other guy and says, hey, where are you from?

Oh, they didn't know each other. Nope. No, they're sitting many seats apart. So he burps and turns over and says, hey, where are you from? And the guy goes very quietly, Fiji. And then the guy's like, oh, cool, Fiji. Do you get a lot of ladies? And the guy's like oh cool fiji do you get a lot of ladies and the guy's like what he goes broads ladies do you get a lot of ladies the guy goes yes he goes fiji cool i i know a girl from fiji what's fiji like and the guy goes it's it's a nice island

and the guy goes it's's a nice island. And the guy goes, it's an island? She never told me that. So that was my over. You lied to me about Fiji. Liable mission. I haven't doubted whether you're really a Fijian mermaid at all. I'm going to liven up this train ride. First,

I'm going to burp real loud. I'm going to find out where the hell this guy's from. Where's this dude from? I was just so glad that my stop was like just just like moments after that oh no i don't know a girl from fiji i know a girl who gave me a fiji oh i figured it out now i know what it is oh it's just a bottle of water i know uh now did you have another overheard? Chris, the guy that I write with. Yeah, Peter and Chris.

He's been on the show. Oh, that's right. Moments ago. What, 10 episodes ago? Yeah. Not even? Chris Wilson. We've got the full package now.

It is combined. Did you guys? Our power is combined. Did you guys try to pick more boring names than Dave and Graham? It's a lottery. Yeah, somebody in one of our first reviews was like, they really should go back to name school. Not because of our names, given names.

Name school? Yeah, I'm not saying it was the greatest review ever. We should go back to review school. All our shows are Peter and Chris and da-da-da-da-da. You know what I mean? And they're very, you know. It's a shame. When you name your sketch group, if it goes anywhere,

you're kind of stuck with it. You can't reinvent or rebrand. It's too late. Yeah, well, Bob and David, they were just like, they're Bob and David. I guess they missed the show, but. Right. When you get your show, you gotta come up with a better name. It's worse with bands, because then you're like, uh-oh, we're Hootie and the Blowfish. Right. When you get your show, you've got to come up with a better name. It's worse with bands. Because then you're like, uh-oh, we're Hootie and the Blowfish.

This is that thing I was doing on the weekends. Oh, no, now people think my name is Hootie. Well, you would have been Wilson and Carlone. That's not bad. Have you considered it? Sounds like a very classy comedy. Hootie and Chris? So I would be Hootie? Well, no.

It's just a name of a thing. Oh, right, right. Chris and the Hootie and chris so i would be hootie well no it's just a name of a thing oh right right chris and the hootie fish yeah hootie and the chris fish these are all possible these are all combinations of things yeah um anyways chris we would actually uh plant our own over herds i guess as something to do on the bus. Sure. We call it business bus, and what you do is you start really casually talking quite loudly about a lot of money. Okay. This is fun. Never mind the fact that you're

on the bus. It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world. We'll be sitting across from each other. Kind of a quiet bus ride. And then Chris will get a spark of confidence and then he'll go, hey, did send in the wiserman account and then i'll of course go what what are you talking about like the wiserman account man that's gonna be i mean the commission on that alone is 50 grand isn't it you're gonna get a boat And so we just have to start talking as casually as possible about as much money as possible.

Pretty good. Without, I guess, because the stakes are high because at some point you can't turn to these strangers and go, yeah, we were doing a bit. Yeah, yeah. Because they're probably not listening. We're a noted sketch duo. You can't bail.

It's one of those things where you can't really bail from this stupid bit you've started doing. You're like, oh, wait a minute. How long is this bus ride? Oh, boy. The Weisserman account. Uh-oh. Did you raise the stakes like in an improv sketch?

He just got on the bus. Oh, my God. He's calling right now. Yes? Oh, you'll be here in five minutes. Put on a tuna casserole. On the 19? You'll be here on the 19 in five minutes?

Having your bus over for dinner on the bus? Knock, knock. Uh-oh, here he comes. The scene just keeps changing. Wiser, man. Rides up in a boat. Your new boat! This is the boat you're buying with your commission!

Now that's good improv. Wow. Bus-based improv. What is it called? Bus business? Business bus? Now that's good improv Wow Bus based improv What is it called? Bus business? I like calling it, yeah we call it business bus I like it Hey, why don't you rename Your sketch troupe business bus

You guys gotta go back To name school Graduated from name school Yeah No Graham, is that the show? No, no, no school graduated from name school yeah Graham is that the show that no no no we also have overheard sent into us if you want to send one in from your

domicile or what what have you hmm you're dwelling yeah if you live in a van and they in your family's backyard yeah and your uncle's backyard. Yeah, in your uncle's backyard. You can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Brian B. in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Cool. I guess.

I've never been. You? South Dakota? Oh, yeah. I love all the Dakotas. North, south. Fanning. So this is a young girl and a young boy.

This is his daughter-in-law? Oh, this comes via his sister. Anyways. When this girl was six years old, my niece was reading quietly at the public library with her mom. A slightly younger boy kept talking to my niece as she was trying to read, even though she was clearly not interested in talking to him. The little boy was going on and on about what he learned in Sunday school that day. Then, apropos of nothing, the little boy asked my niece, want to hear me count to 20? And then began counting before

she could reply while he was counting he missed the number 17 when he finally finished my exasperated and he said after 16 comes 17 i guess your god didn't teach you that that poor kid oh yeah where's your Messiah now? Oh, boy. Yeah, pretty good, right? That's pretty good. That's a good sass. Some of the best.

Some of the best from South Dakota. This one has an attachment that will not open. Uh-oh. Great. Great, Clark. Oh, no. That's just great. Let's pause. Oh, wait. Do you want to kill time? Yeah, yeah. That's just great. Let's pause. Oh, wait.

Do you want to kill time? Yeah, yeah. Kill time. So, boy, Peter. Yeah. The Weissermans, right? Yeah, the Weissermans count. What is it we do with the Weissermans?

It's mostly collating. It's a lot of collating. And you're getting 50 grand for the bonus. Have you seen the papers? Yeah, that's true. Have you seen the commish? I haven't seen it. It's a transfer.

It's just going to be wired to my private account. Is it shaped like Michael Chiklis? Have you seen the TV show, The Commish? It was shot in Vancouver. Was it really? Yeah, of course it was. Oh, wow. Chiklis was here? Chiklis only shoots in Vancouver. Wow. Has anybody seen course it was Oh wow Chickliss was here?

Chickliss only shoots At Vancouver Wow Has anybody seen I don't know if this is Off topic Is that a thing? No

There is a show Harlan Williams Yeah Is shooting on Has anybody seen it? Is it airing? What's the deal? It's airing

It's on City Television It's called Package Deal And that's all I know Okay Yeah I haven't seen it either I thought it would have come around the ABCs Come around the mountain when she comes No, it's a Canadian

Oh, it's a Canadian show Good for us We did it We did it, everyone We made it Graham, did you get that attachment open? No, but I got it in over here Don't worry, I got it

I got it under control, guys I got the Wasserman account Wiserman That's why I got it. I got it under control. I got the Wasserman account is wiser. That's why I got fired from it. This is from Stephen B. Stephen Baldwin. Yeah. From Michigan.

The Michigan Baldwins. While passing through security in the airport in Philadelphia, I overheard a female TSA officer having a heated conversation in hushed tones with an older business-looking male traveler. TSA officer, I'm sorry, sir. Even if Ovaltine is healthier than Nesquik, it is a liquid and you can't take it through. Which is true. I guess Ovaltine has wheat in it or something. Something that's good for you.

Grains. Yeah, wheat is great for you. People aren't eating enough wheat. Vitamins, right? It's a vitamin situation. Yeah, I guess so. Ovaltine? Loaded with bites?

I've never had Ovaltine. I've had tons and tons of Nesquik. Oh, boy, that stuff's great for you. When combined with milk. Yeah, you're getting your protein. Yeah. It's brown. That was something you used to do on Step by Step.

They would pour Nesquik in their mouth and then whipped cream and milk and then shake it together. Oh, they'd make a sundae? Yeah. Oh, whipped cream. Yeah. I feel like that was a different show where they did that. Pretty sure it was. Yeah.

Pour the Nesquik or pour the syrup and yeah the milk and milk and then shake it out yeah and then swallow it i tried that it doesn't work right we were such innocent youths back then now all the news stories are about licking eyeballs and oh yeah butt chugging yeah yeah yeah don't do like nest quick in the mouth yeah oh pleasant now it's on nest quick in the mouth. Oh, pleasant. And now it's on Nesquik in the butt. I just butt-chugged some chocolate milk. This last one comes from A.D.

That's all that was given. A.D. from Parts Unknown. They literally wrote Parts Unknown. This is years ago in North Carolina. I saw a dirty pickup truck. You know, somebody is years ago in North Carolina.

I saw a dirty pickup truck. You know, somebody had written something in the dirt. And they had written, I wish my wife was this truck. Oh, yeah. Pretty good. It's a sequel of I wish my wife was this dirty. Yeah, yeah. I wish my wife was this truck. She was sitting by the road. Covered in mud. It's a sequel of I Wish My Wife Was This Dirty. Yeah, yeah. I Wish My Wife Was This Truck.

She was sitting by the road. Covered in mud. Yeah, I wish I could get inside of her and drive her around. I wish she could pick up buckets of paint. Yeah, I wish I could hang testicles off of the back of her. Just a real useful truck. And put a Jesus fish on her butt. Yeah.

Pay the regular insurance and park her downtown. Wish I could acquire a canopy for the rear portion of my wife. Dave, is there also overheards from some other source? Not this week. What? Yeah, we do. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us,

our phone number is 206-339-8328 like these people have. Why did we give the phone number out before before? It was my fault. I said they could call in with something. What were we talking? That wasn't the forks. Probably forks. Forks forging and company. Don't worry about it. I said they could call in with something. What were we talking? That wasn't the forks. Probably forks. Yeah, forks forging and company.

Don't worry about it. Here's your phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and probable guest. Overheard for you, little girl telling her sister, hey, Dad just said that we're going to go to a tiny restaurant and we're going to drink a thousand drinks. All right, thanks. Love the show. Yeah, what restaurant?

I think they're talking about Bottomless Pop, right? Oh, yeah. No, I assume they're just talking about a bar. Oh, yeah. What is a bar if not a tiny restaurant? It is true, yeah, with small With small, well, appies. Right? Oh, appies. If you could have one appie right now, what would it be?

Oh, boy. Like a tiny taco? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. What are those? An empanada.

You know, where they fold them up. There's a bunch of cheesy stuff inside. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I changed my mind. A slider. Oh, okay. Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

And you? Some sort of kebab. No, I'd choose dip slider. Oh, yeah. You? Some sort of kebab. No, I'd choose dip. Something with dip. Just like, oh, can we get some fun dips? Fun dip. Fun dip. Fun dip.

Why don't restaurants have enough of those? Oh, that would be great. Fun dips. When I open a bar, which I will when I win the lottery, because that's what you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You open a bar called Lucky's. Yeah. You want to invest your money in something really stable.

Really get into the restaurant game. And it's a candy bar. Oh, yeah. You open a bar called Lucky's. You want to invest your money in something really stable. Really get into the restaurant game. And it's a candy bar. Oh, cool. It's called the candy bar? Well, there might be some suing involved. The candy bar is already a thing. Oh, right. Isn't it Ralph Lauren's daughter?

Yeah. Or a strip club? It has a place called the candy bar. Anyway, here's what's up okay here's what you'd have you get uh all you can eat candy whoa shit drinks are a thousand dollars no but you get like a fun dip with your drink that's i like that you don't have to put it in your drink but you'd be a fool not to yeah and uh and like do you get to go peruse like the candy And do you get to go peruse the candy?

Peruse the bulk. Yeah, you get... No, no. It's mostly just like, here's what's on the menu. Gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy... You want a rum and Coke? Okay, we just put rum in a bunch of those gummy Coke bottles. Oh, that'd be so fun! That's a good idea!

Yeah, it is a good idea. Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham and hilarious guys. This is the California bumper. I don't know. Last time I got was the San Francisco bumper. Now, who knows? Okay, I haven't overheard. I'm walking

downtown Palo Alto and I'm walking briskly past this group of girls. This one girl starts saying, and I'm in the steam room and she's just bent over naked doing yoga. It's totally naked in the steam room, and I'm just like, this woman stole from me. Well, there you go. So this was somebody that they recognized as a thief and then was doing yoga in a steam room?

I don't know. This woman stole from me. I just think it's a great little nugget to get out of the conversation. Yeah, no kidding. I like that he was walking downtown while explaining that story, too. Oh, yeah.

He was still walking. Yeah, you could still hear, he was, we almost got another overheard from whoever was talking in the background. There was somebody in the background. Maybe he had just overheard it. I'm overhearing it as it's happening.

Please. And he didn't stick around to hear the stealing, like hear how that went down? I guess not. Went down. Poor dog. She's happening. And he didn't stick around the stealing, like here and there that went down? I guess not. Went down. Poor dog. She's stealing.

Nice. Are you supposed to be naked in a steam room? I guess you're probably not supposed to be doing naked yoga. You could put a towel on. In a three-piece suit?

Wedding dress? I thought some kind of towel would be nice. A steam room is like not a sauna. A steam room is more like tiled. Yeah. It's hot. Yeah. I think it's all like a, not a sauna. A steam room is more like tiled. Yeah, it's hot.

Yeah, it's nude. Like a schvitz. I think it's all nude. Like a bath. It's the same thing. It's just like a hot situation. Yeah, it can be nude, but I think yoga is probably not cool. Yeah, any kind of bending, twisting, folding, or unfolding would be looked down upon in

a sauna, in a steam room, in a sweat lodge. Yeah, when you're naked in public, it's best to remain as still as possible so that bears can't see you. Yeah, exactly, and dinosaurs walk right past you. Yeah, it's been a long time since I've been in a sauna. It's been a long time since I've been in a sauna. One time I went in a sauna and I forgot to have a towel and I sat right on the wood. And man, oh man, it's like cooking your own butt.

It's like hickory smoking your own butt. In a way, it kind of is cooking your own butt. Yeah. You're sitting there on hot planks. Oh, yeah. Falling off the bone. Falling off your butt bone. Yeah, rump roast. They always stress me bone. Falling off your butt bone. Yeah, rub roast. They always stress me out.

I always get very anxious in them. In a sauna? It's like adding... It's a small room, first of all. Yeah. There's a lot of paperwork. There's a lot of paperwork to get through. Sure.

There's something about the steam that makes it even feel small. I get very claustrophobic. I do like the smell. Yeah. The oak. The fine wood. Yeah. I've never been naked in one. Oh, Dave, you gotta. I've never been... Buck The oak. The fine wood. Yeah. I've never been naked in one.

Oh, Dave, you gotta. Bucket list. Bucket list. I've probably been naked in like a public change room situation three times in my adult life. Wow. When do you get to the age where it's totally fine, where nobody cares anymore? You know, like the old guys. I'm at that age.

I think we're there. I just don't want to i'm i don't i care still i'm too yeah no one ever cares about anyone else yeah it's yourself yeah i care about me but i would that's that's what i want on my tombstone i care about me Dave Shumka. Yeah. Dave Shumka, 1980 to 2014. What? You're only giving... That's it for you. Well, I mean, the apocalypse.

I hope when the apocalypse happens... They're still making gravestones. People have the... They're still going to... The wherewithal. We've got to get this gravestone done. Yeah. The city's falling apart.

Quick, hurry! Just get it about themselvesone done. The city's falling apart. Quick, hurry. Let's get a bit of fun. Yeah. Do we have another one? Yeah, we do. All right. Woo. All right.

Oh, is that Cody? Yeah. Can I speak with Cody, please? Oh, I'm a virgin. Never stuck it in. Oh, I'm still a virgin. The second line is just noise. Hi, Dave and Graham.

This is Jessica. I guess I'm in Northern California right now. I'm at a wedding and I just snuck out to call you. They did the bouquet toss, so all of the girls got up there and lined up, and then they wheeled out the, I believe it was the bride's great-grandma. So obviously, they were aiming for getting it to her, and it goes straight to the great-grandma, and a girl dives over and grabs it and pulls it away from her. You can see the look on everyone's faces.

It was priceless. I wish I could show you. So I guess that was an overseen and not an overheard, but it was brilliant. Like, took it right out of the grandma's hands? Yeah. She's not going to get married again. No, that's it.

Well, she was a plant. They brought her there because they're like, hey, wouldn't it be funny if they wheeled her out? It's sort of, when I'm not in charge of my mobility anymore, let's not make me the joke of wheeling me out. It'll be such a cute photo. Then they wheel her over to do the, what do they call that? Oh, the take off the garter. Oh, she does that part.

Does he take off the girdle? Take off the spanks. It depends on the wedding. Depends on which take off the which Dakota at my wedding we didn't do that we didn't do the

bouquet toss no we didn't do we certainly didn't do the garter no you didn't do the garter any wheeling of elderly no

there were no there was not it was a it was on like a a lodge in nature. It wasn't the most wheelchair accessible. No, I guess it wasn't. But, yeah, the bouquet thing, I don't know.

Like, does anybody look forward to that? Women, apparently. Yeah. Some women. Because this one... I mean, I've seen enough America's Funniest Home Videos to know that women

go crazy for it is there one where somebody throws in it gets stuck in a ceiling fan yep I feel like that's a famous on the America's Funniest Videos yeah

and then the ceiling fan chops it up and then it lands in everybody's cell and blood comes out and I was like oh these were blood roses and then Bob saget does

one of his classic high-pitched voices characters he plays himself yeah he's great i've always been more of a bergeron man yeah well you know you make uh decisions in life and you stick with them um now that does bring us to the end of the show. Now, Peter, you're doing fringe shows all over the country. Everywhere. Yeah, every year we go to some festivals, fringe festivals and comedy festivals,

and this year we're going to be there in Toronto. Winnipeg. Edmonton with two shows. You're doing two shows? Yeah, we're going to do two shows there. Jeez Louise. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of...

What if you say the wrong lines? Oh yeah, what if you throw the bouquet when you're supposed to shoot a guy? Yeah, right. I mean, I like to think our shows are loose enough that one of us will just make fun of the other if we screw up our lines and then we get back on track. I like to think that. It's a very fun time. Where can people find out the more specifics?

We're going to toss up the info on peterandchris.com peterandchris.com Not and. No. We like to make it really hard to find. And also not ampersand. No ampersands. Yeah. Or ands. No ands. Or apostrophes.

Peter and Chris. Go there. Details there. And also just check out your fringe websites I guess. Yeah. Or apostrophes. Or ampersands. Yes. Go there. Details there. And then also just check out your Fringe websites, I guess. Yeah. You'll be there. I'll be there. I'm at the Toronto.

I'm in the Tarragon room. Ooh. Yeah. What spice are you performing in? Our spice is the Randolph Theater. Delicious. Close enough to yours, right? The tents in between us.

Yeah. The beer tents. Yeah, yeah. And I'll be at the beer tents In between shows And so it's like I'm doing two shows Carbo loaded

And That's early That's July Early July Awesome For Toronto Fringe And So Peter, Chris

And anywhere else People can find you Twitter Oh yeah Twitter At Peter Carlone Or at What's our show I don't know Peter, Chris show I think You know what people can find you. Twitter? Oh, yeah. Twitter, at Peter Carlone or at,

what's our show? Peter Chris Show, I think. You know what? Follow, tweet me and then I'll tweet. Also follow our show account.

And then, look, in October, we're filming something. So it's going to be coming out, hopefully. Cool.

Then, too. Well, thanks for being our guest i had a really good time that was fun we had a great time yeah that was great graham doesn't usually speak for both of us but he's right yeah we had a great time and uh should people head over to maximum fun.org they'll get pictures and photos and pictures and drawings and images gifs jpgs pngs tiffs uh and videos of things we talked about wow maybe a link to that hour and a half yeah they'll let me embed it i'll do it yeah uh and then uh draft day And, of course, pictures of a fork.

Try to find reforged ones. And if you like the show, tell your friends. You can leave a message or a review, maybe, for us on iTunes. Yeah. Saying how much you love the show. Oh, bro. I'm such a virgin over here. Cody. Classic Cody. Yeah, create an iTunes account under the name here. Cody.

Classic Cody. Yeah, create an iTunes account under the name Cody. Yeah. Cody or cool Cody. Yeah. Five stars. I'm such a virgin over here. I'm such a virgin. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. yourself.