Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 328 - Jen Kirkman

Episode Date: June 30, 2014

Comedian Jen Kirkman joins us to talk licorice, Oliver Stone, and breaking and entering.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 328 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's going to spend all afternoon standing out in the rain, Mr. Dave Shumka. Afternoon and evening. Oh really?

Yeah. Aye! I'm headed down to the CBC Music Festival. CBCMusic.ca Festival? Anyway. Sure. I'm going to go see Tegan and sarah i'm gonna go see spoon um dan mangan past guest dan mangan etc it's gonna be fun i don't have proper footwear it's raining are you gonna wear a uh a poncho well yeah i have proper proper torso wear a poncho

um you know what if it's super rainy you could just go barefoot. Oh, that's true. Like our brethren in Woodstock. Yeah, the greatest generation. Oh, wait, no. The one after the greatest generation. The boomers. Yeah, exactly. And our guest today, very funny comedian, host of the podcast I Seem Fun, and author of the book I Can Barely Take Care of Myself.

Wow. Thank you. Miss Jen Kirkman. Hi. Thanks. Everyone gets the name wrong. Really? Unless it's in front of them.

So I'm so proud of you. Yay. What do people usually say? I can hardly take care of myself or I'm not taking care of things. I'm not taking care of myself. Or you know what? Maybe I should have a baby. No, that's the opposite.

By the way, I have already seen like four guys in flip-flops in the rain. Yeah. No. Yeah. Everyone stop. I know your boots were stolen. Yeah. But just don't wear flip-flops to wherever you're going. I'm going to lose it.

No, I won't. I... People... She'll lose it. No, I won't. She'll lose it. People here are so, like it rains so much that whenever, like from May on, some people are so committed to like, it's just canvas shoes and flip flops from here on out. I hadn't thought about that, that it rains so much that it's just not unusual. So I take it back a little bit. No, you're right.

You're right. You're right. Because the flip flop culture in this city is out of control it's uh oh man dudes in their feet anyways i don't want to get started that's that's my yearly rant that i go on do we want to get to know us So, Jen. Yes. How's it going? Good. What's new and exciting?

God, nothing. I mean, nothing and everything. I'm here to perform at the Comedy Mix in Vancouver. Retroactive plug for when this airs when I'm gone. Yeah, sure. And then, that's it. I don't know. I'm going to do some traveling this summer.

I'm excited about it. Where are you going? Ireland and Sweden. Nice. Different then that's it. I don't know. I'm going to do some traveling this summer. I'm excited about. Where are you going? Ireland and Sweden. Nice. Different times, different months. So I like to fly across the world and come back and then do it again the next month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just looking forward to that. Are you going by yourself?

Mm-hmm. All I do is go places by myself. Are they to perform? Yeah, they're to perform. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. I'm not like the lady will be going to Europe on a finding herself vacation. That's what I thought.

I thought it was Ireland and, you know. Stay in hostels. Yeah. No, there's two comedy festivals. There's one in Ireland in the Vodafone Comedy Festival. You know, some name of a corporation. Oh, man, Vodafone is everywhere. Oh, boy, yeah.

You want a mobile. Yeah. Yeah, so that's for is everywhere. Oh, boy, yeah. You want a mobile. Yeah, so that's for only three days. And then there's one in Lund, Sweden. Oh, in Lund. It's in the south. Yeah. I'm very excited. Dave knows Sweden.

Oh, you do? Mm-hmm. Well, here's what's exciting about this trip for me, not for you. So the festival is there. And then in the middle of it, I have two days off. One of those days, I will be turning 40. So I was thinking, thank you. I was thinking of flying to Stockholm, partying it up with myself.

And then I fly back to Lund and finish out the festival. So this is a very good idea. Yeah. I heard in Stockholm, there are these, uh, old barges, like really historic ships that they've turned into bars on the water oh cool and so that sounds fun you're a lot closer to copenhagen i know and that's a fun city too but i figured i'll be there oh right every other day yeah i'll probably just take a little train in there i guess yeah yeah yeah i don't think i'll be walking too much around

lund i could be wrong hey I've never been to Lund. It's just a stop between Helsingborg and Copenhagen. These are the places I go. Oh, I got it. That's where my crew is. Is it Sweden that the pickle-flavored vodka comes from? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, dill.

Oh, dill flavor. Yeah. People aren't going to be pushing that on me, are they? Yeah. Oh, dill flavor. People aren't going to be pushing that on me, are they? Yeah. They're going to be pushing like Abby, my wife, her aunt lives in Sweden. Okay. And they

like we've gone, we went June, like midsummer like this time of year. Yeah. Which is it's so far north that the sun is out really late and they get crazy and they have big parties for the summer solstice. And everyone drinks schnapps, they call it.

And it's, what is it, aquavit? And they'll push this weird, like, hey, drink this licorice thing. And it's all gross. Oh, I like licorice, though, because I enjoy a sambuca. Oh, okay. Well, then you'll enjoy it. I'm not going to shoot it, though. I'm going to sip it.

Oh, well, you might be fine. Okay. You might end up moving to Sweden. I find that you love it. You like Sambuca. I love it. I love it. I used to waitress at this fancy country club in Beverly Hills, and all the old alcoholics,

after they'd been drinking in the sun all day and then drinking with dinner, they would end the night around 10 or 11 with the cigars. And I love the snifter glass that comes in. I love that you throw a few coffee beans in it. I love the smell. I love it. I had a glass after dinner a few weeks ago. Not at my house.

I can't even. I'm trying to. Is it something you do as a shot? Or is it something that you sip as a? I can't imagine. I feel like you would do it as a shot if you had the... What? Like a head cold.

Does it taste like Jägermeister? No, because I don't like Jägermeister. To me, it tastes like... That's licorice-y too. Yeah, maybe that's what I'm thinking of, people doing shots. Sambuca tastes like if you wrung out a black licorice and just let it soak overnight. Two different things. When do all they have like a Twizzler?

Like a... Oh, Twizzler shots? A red licorice shot. That would be nice. It would things to eat. When do they have like a Twizzler? Like a red licorice shot? That would be nice. It would be too much. I just don't like vodka or pickles, so I don't want anyone up in my business. It's a message to Sweden. Somebody's just putting

away their... How do you feel about pickled fish? No. No? Okay. There's going to be some unhappy sweets. Oh, they have hilarious candies, right? They have candies with hilarious names. Oh, everything's licorice-y there. Yeah.

This might be the place for me. Yeah. At a grocery store, the candy aisle will be bigger than the produce aisle. What a country. grocery store, the candy aisle will be bigger than the produce aisle. And there'll be- What a country. And it'll be all like weird sort of different kinds of licorice. I'll have to try them. I try to stay away from the candy, but I'll have to have a little bit.

Why? It's all the sugar. It's so bad for you. Oh, is that right? It just kills your immune system. Cancer loves sugar too. Really? Yes.

You want to make your cancer happy, give it sugar. I don't have, I'm saying it like a, but I just, whenever I'm on the road, I try to be like as healthy as possible so I don't come home sick. So alcohol is my sugar that I allow.

Oh, I came up, I came back from Vancouver with cancer. Yeah. Cause I ate too many Twizzlers. I had candy. I had so much candy when I was on the road. Yeah, you probably shouldn't eat candy

I mean Well no Absolutely But I'll try it From a foreign country Of course Oh yeah And I'll eat it every day

Yeah I'll have it all the time That I'm there I'm just saying And I'll Oh no I eat it at home even Yeah

Like I know it's bad How much candy do I eat Oh I just can't afford the calories. Like, I don't, I put on weight easily. I have to do a lot to keep it off. Oh, I just keep it on. That's my secret.

I just let it stay. I just ate a big bag of nuts yesterday, and I was like, oh, that was 600 calories. Nuts are fine. I know, but it was a lot. Cancer hates nuts. Oh, does cancer hate nuts? Yeah, I read that, too. Canceruts are fine. I know, but it was a lot. Cancer hates nuts. Oh, does cancer hate nuts? Yeah, I read that too.

Cancer's not nuts about nuts. Oh, I should be a newspaper editor. With headlines like that, I could work for the New York Post. They do a lot of those funny,

punny, funny, punny. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And then sometimes they don't. Sometimes they'll just write like,

he's dead. Like when Osama Bin Laden was killed it was some weird thing like that oh man so cool holidays coming up

cool holidays exciting that's right you guys say that holidays right yeah you say vacay I say vacay

specifically vacay yeah keep it cool no holidays yeah holidays it's one of those words that is so great but if I tried to incorporate it I say vacay, specifically vacay. Yeah. Keep it cool. No, holidays, yeah. Holidays. It's one of those words that is so great, but if I tried to incorporate it back in the States, I'm going on holiday, it would just be so obnoxious. Right.

I couldn't do it. Why? Would people be like, ooh la la? It's a British thing, yeah. Yeah, it just sounds like you're trying too hard to say a different vernacular from somewhere else. Huh, I didn't know. But I like it better going on holiday. Yeah, but isn't there, there's a Madonna song. I was just going to say, she can say it.

Yeah, but now she's got a British accent. Yeah, it's seeping in. When we were growing up, I believe we all thought of it as like a three-day weekend. Like it's a holiday, like Martin Luther King Day. We thought of it as it's time to celebrate. You don't have to work Monday. I feel like that's the vibe we were all getting. From the song.

From the song. Okay. I don't think that's how she meant it, but that's how we Americans who'd never been anywhere, I think, thought of it. Okay. And then no way did I think it was another word for vacation. What was the other one that was the same?

They used the sample. It was like Mike or Mike and MC Sven the European guys who went on the holiday we are going on a summer holiday no I don't know that

I don't know much right in general and about music you love me yeah I love you and then big birthday

is that a thing do you care the 40th birthday I don't care the only reason I care is it really is the beginning of the harder years physically. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

How do you know? Well, as you get older. I thought 30 was the beginning of the harder years. No, your body can withstand a ton in your 30s. Like even my hangovers are worse as I get older. Oh, yeah. There's just certain things. There's resting I need to do that I didn't.

And I don't mean to be hacky, like, well, things hurt when I wake up, but nothing is really happening yet. Yeah. But it is the beginning of now we're heading into for the ladies. There's some hormonal changes.

There's some premenopause. There's maybe some, you know, like, okay, this is, here we go. This is real talk.

Guys, RT. Sometimes I enjoy spray tan. Okay. you know like okay this is here we go this is real talk guys RT sometimes I enjoy spray tan okay because I'm very pale right cancer loves spray tan oh yeah

that's what I heard who does cancer oh cancer loves a spray tan yeah it probably does I should I should wear those

nose plugs that they recommend oh but no but it smells so good. Does it? Oh, is the inside of your nose tanned? Probably. That's cool.

That's super hot. You should keep your mouth open, too, because it's like, mmm, tan them teeth. Well, sorry. So I noticed that, like, you know, they wash off in a week and then you're pale again. But my face was getting these kind of like darker little spots. And so I went to the lady that gives me facials, and I was like, these spray tans are killing me. It's like these kind of dark patches on my face.

And she's like, that's not a spray tan. That's called melasma. That's a hormonal rash that pregnant women get. I'm like, but I'm not pregnant. She's like, also older women get it. I'm like, oh, my God. Maybe I'm pregnant after all. It's rash on the FaceTime.

So it's like that kind of weird stuff starts to happen. You know, your body starts to show you, hey, I'm cooling down now. Yeah. I mean, I noticed that at the beginning of my 30s with just like I'm never going to the doctor for, from like age 15 to age 30. Then going, oh, every four months. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

I haven't been in good shape since probably 25. So I feel like. Oh, but man, what a specimen. You felt 40 forever. Yeah, exactly. So it won't be a big deal. But I'm not worried about it in terms of a career or anything else in life. And I assume. Just weird rashes all of a sudden. Just rashes. Just keep my, I'm just going to it in terms of a career or anything else in life. And I assume.

Just weird rashes all of a sudden. Just rashes. Just keep my, I'm just going to have to wear a lot of makeup. But I just assume that as I get older, I'll be more like, eh, I've had a good life. I just want to get to that place where I'm not terrified of the other world or passing on yeah when they die how how closer when do you when do you expect to not be afraid of death i mean i'm i'm a way better than i used to be i mean i don't want to but i'm not afraid of doing things anymore like i used to like flying and i used to try to prevent doing anything just to stay safe

yeah now i started fighting them but i think i don't know that age maybe when you're 80 and you're just like i'm so tired let's let me go i don't i think like it depends on what kind of person you are though yeah the further you go i think the more you're like i can do it i can keep going yeah my parents are 76 and they are not they have not accepted it they're not going anywhere they are they think it is an unfair deal in this life oh really you have to die yeah oh that's not what i meant oh that's what you meant i mean my parents they're they're in their early 70s uh oh my mom will be mad i said that and uh yeah they're they're just not really slowing down like

they're like oh they're you know let's travel and uh yeah yeah and it's not like when i was a kid i thought of a 70 year old as like the oldest person in the world oh totally oh now i think it's young yeah my parents well they're not traveling but they're still out and about they're not just sitting home waiting waiting waiting they're both still working yeah they're both just sitting home waiting, waiting, waiting. They're both still working. Yeah. They're both still working and they're both, they love to gamble and they go to their, they go to their casino every weekend. Which one? It's in Connecticut.

Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. You know it? Is it the one in Lund? It's in Lund, Connecticut. It's one of the loosest lots in town.

It's near Copenhagen. So we'll see. I'll keep you posted. About your life? At 41. Yeah. Okay. I'll come back at 41'll keep you posted. About your life? At 41. Yeah, okay. I'll come back at 41 and let you know. Yeah.

And let us know how your parents are doing. Send them our best. You were saying on stage last night your parents were high school sweethearts? Yeah. That's amazing. Isn't that crazy? I don't think that happens anymore. Well, it probably happens somewhere in like small towns.

Well, my good friend from high school married her high school sweetheart. She's not even kissed anyone else. What? Yes. They should have a day where they're allowed to go and smooch someone. I don't even think she is interested in that. She said to me once. Well, probably not.

Yeah. Well, unless, you know, I don't see her enough to be in a regular day-to-day conversation. So when we catch up a couple times a year, maybe she would feel it's inappropriate to be like, sometimes I think about having sex with other guys. Yeah, right off the bat. Not even kissing them. But I feel like she said to me, because they've known each other so long and they keep changing and growing as people, that every year it's like you get a new person because they really are discovering new things, which I thought was really lovely. I personally don't know if I could do that because you have to really be sure you're able to see someone and let them change and accept them every year. That's true.

What if you like last year's model a lot more than the right like you're like oh let's go back two years when you were doing that funky usually high school sweethearts these days like they met in high school but then they went had their separate lives i know a lot of people yeah then they come back together after you know a divorce or something or i don't know know, they meet up again in life. Trauma, some kind of big trauma. A trauma usually brings you back. Usually like a train accident and they're the sole survivor.

I got in touch through Facebook with some, with like a girl that I dated in high school. I was like, in my mind, I was like,

and maybe that'll happen for me. Like I'll get married to a high school, somebody I dated in high school years later. I don't know. I got me. I'll get married to someone I dated in high school a few years later. I don't know. I got nothing. What was there?

I think we just both liked smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I think that was... That's enough for me. When you really think about how many important things you can have in common with someone, but it comes down to the dumb stuff. Yeah. Is this fun to do together?

Do we both love smoking cigarettes? Yeah. Yeah. Boy, did we. Oh, man. Yeah, everyone that I know from high school or that I'm Facebook friends from high school, I still have friends from high school that are great. And then there's people who friended me on Facebook, and then I'll go to their page and

they're like, oh, you just got really religious over the last few years. Yeah, that specific kind of religion that's like, I need to talk about it on Facebook and say weird. For me, in America, it's weird things like, I voted for Mitt Romney because he'll protect religious freedom, and that was the second election. I'm like, so what did Obama do in the first four years that made you think he wasn't protecting religious freedom?

What? What does that mean, protecting religious freedom? Because, like, America is a religiously free place. Well, especially for the people who vote for Mitt Romney. Yeah. But I'm thinking those are the people that are going to instill their weird thing. But, yeah, I mean, I have a lot of Facebook friends like that. And I'm just like, oh my God, this is terrifying.

Well, like what, what did, how did people talk about vaccines before Facebook? They just read, what's her name? Jenny McCarthy's book. Oh, right. Sure. They just sent through correspondence. Guys, she's a really close friend. I'm just kidding.

Can you imagine if I said that and you had to backtrack or not that you would? I wouldn't. I would stand right there. I'm not afraid of Jenny McCarthy. I'm a little afraid of Jenny McCarthy. I think in person I'd be intimidated. Absolutely. If she walked in the room, I'd be eyes to the floor.

I have met her. She's not intimidating. But I'm not saying that as a compliment or a non-compliment. I'm just saying I don't think you would. I think you'd just be like, oh, there's a person. Not from a spiritual Dalai Lama place. Like, no, there's a person.

You would just be like, oh, I've seen a million of these blonde people. You know, you run in celebrity circles. Oh, sure. Have you met somebody where you're like,

oh, I am intimidated by this celebrity? Nobody? No, because I really don't run in one. I've've met i don't run in any circle i'm usually just alone where are you hanging just outside the circle smoking smoking smoking butts yeah no i don't have any celebrity friends i have friends who have celebrity friends and i've been at i've been i don't want to say their names but i've been at a few things with

like very very famous people that are always on the cover of every tabloid right went to one thing once and i was like these people are so boring i might as well hang out with like quote regular people you know like sitting around talking about like oh my god did you see that thing on ellen it was so funny and i'm like really we're talking about what we saw in ellen and then it was so funny like you're an exciting, famous person that has all these stories. Yeah, like I'm getting a water slide installed in my house. That type of thing. But I think anyone I would be intimidated by would be a total hero to me. Like if I was hanging out with Morrissey, for example,

or Oscar Wilde, who is dead, that would also freak me out. That would be so fucking crazy. He'd be a corpse. Eyes to the floor. I don't know where to look on this ghost. In your version, he's a corpse. He's a walking ghost. Yeah, he be a corpse. Eyes to the floor. I don't know where to look on this ghost. Oh, he's, in your version, he's a corpse. He's a walking ghost.

Yeah, he's a zombie. I'm trying to think about it. Oh, he's so witty, though. Wittiest zombie. Yeah, so I think I'd only be intimidated if it was people that I truly, truly admired and was crazy for. But you haven't had that where you've been in this. I'm trying to think. Wait, I know I have. Well, I... David Spade is the only one.

Yeah, sure. Fair. There you go. But he was... It didn't... Then I was not impressed after. What? Oh, fair enough. I always had a crush on him and I kind of put it out there and he wasn't interested. Really? Yeah. Too old for him. That's what being 40 won't get you

yeah well i mean too old for david spade yeah well yeah that's not a bad place to be with your life i think if you don't think outside of the dating realm of david spade i think yeah yeah well if i yeah if i were anything like the type of people he likes yeah that would be a bummer for me but it's a bummer to know that he likes these kinds of people yeah because there's a lot of people like him where you're like oh i actually think you're cute and funny i don't care about your money your fame right i'm not gonna like just you know make you pay my credit card bill although you know that kind of thing i mean i gotta i wish i could do that to people i mean i don't what pay their credit card bill? No, I haven't paid mine. Or make them pay yours?

I guess I wish I could do that. Wouldn't it be kind of fun to be so manipulative that people are just paying your bills? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That would be kind of fun. What would your tack be? I would be a lot of like, please. I'd do a lot of cute face. Yeah, I think it's cute face. Yeah. I know there's a whole gaggle

of ladies out there in the L.A. scene that are younger that just by hanging out with a gentleman, the gentleman assumes they might get some action. And so a lot of things get paid for and then the action doesn't happen and then they get frustrated and they're like, okay, I'm done with this lady. But in the meantime, she might have gotten, you have gotten her nails done or a couple things. Or a gift card to Target. These guys need to follow Lycus 101. What's that? Oh my god, I love that you know who Tom Lycus is. It was

syndicated up here. Oh, it was? Oh, okay. Back before there was sports talk radio here, it was like a talk radio station for men. And so they would play Tom Likas, who was this guy. This whole thing was how to have the most sex, spending the least amount of money.

Right. But he's been married. The worst part is, and I don't know if you guys listen to the Todd Glass show, Todd Glass's podcast, but he and this comedian, James Adomian does a spot on impersonation of tom likas so they'll start up because tom likas's show would start with um metallica enter sandman so it's like dun dun dun dun he's like hello it's don like it's and so but people would call in and be like hey father you know just like they really thought of him as a dad and he was his catchphrase was, dump that bitch and stuff like that.

And so he's been married. So he was in a relationship call-in show that this guy did? He would sometimes talk about political stuff. Like he was very big into like the Catholic Church not molesting people, which was great. So he used to be, this one I heard, he used to be a super liberal talk show host, but that wasn't paying the bills. So he turned into this kind of hardcore, don't let women take advantage of you. You know, that kind of thing. Guy.

And I know the stuff that I just said about getting all your credit cards paid. I know guys are listening like, yeah, you shouldn't do that. That's not what I'm talking about. Like his show was crazy. Yeah. It would just be like, I bought her dinner. Is that bad? He's like, yes.

You know, she hasn't put out in the first 24 hours. crazy. It would just be like, I bought her dinner. Is that bad? He's like, yes. She hasn't put out in the first 24 hours. Dump her. But he's been married four times. So you're like, you're making no sense. Then he tried to do a smart thing where he had a Saturday show called The Tasting Room. And he would wine

taste on the air, which is the most disgusting. Yeah, that's all it was, which is the most disgusting. Yeah, that's all it was. It was the most disgusting sounds. And then you could hear him putting his nose right in the glass and sniffing it. I was like, this is awful audio. And that was a smart thing? That was it, I think, to balance out his persona. It wasn't a smart move.

It was just like. No, it was his idea of let was sort of. Let's have a smart quote unquote show. Right. Because he had a wine cellar in his. Dump this wine. Spit it.

This wine, this first glass hasn't gotten me drunk enough. Dump it. Dump it. Oh man, I didn't know that that was a.

Yeah. That's a whole world I didn't know about. And then yeah. He's the kind of guy who wears sunglasses. Inside, yeah. Inside's the kind of guy who wears sunglasses. Inside, yeah. Inside on the air.

Oh, wow. I feel like we should start doing that. We should. I actually have no problem with sunglasses inside. I think it's kind of a cool look. Like, if I'm running around. Oh, no. This is like when Jenny McCarthy walked in.

Yeah, this is it. Oh, no. No, I mean, I wouldn't wear them here. But let's say I'm going to Starbucks or something, and I have them on because I was driving in the sun. If I walk in, I'm not going to take them off because then I'll lose them or break them. I got some prescription. I think it's still pretty like a bold statement.

Oh, yeah. I'm bold. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got some prescription sunglasses and I got them like two months ago. And it is, I take them off and put my regular glasses on and then got them like uh two months ago and it is i take them off and put my regular glasses on and then swap them out like i go i'm driving and then drive into underground parking and it's dark and i gotta swap out my other glasses and it is like a juggling act yeah you

need to you need some of them uh transition yeah those look great I feel like they don't transition fast enough. No, they don't. They're always in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. I saw, I don't know why I thought it was something, but I saw two girls on the bus and one of them had decided, oh no, on the train. So it was underground. And one of them had decided to take off their sunglasses, which I think was the correct thing because it's very dark down there. Yeah. And the other one had left her sunglasses on

and I was like, I guess maybe she's the alpha female. That's funny. Or there's crying. That's a thing too. Sometimes if you're crying, you throw the old sunglasses on no matter where you are. Not that I'm assuming she was crying, but they've come in handy.

They didn't look like great friends. They didn't look like they were having a super fun time. We were just in Los Angeles and we noticed a lot of, well, I don't know if you noticed. I noticed. A lot of women wearing giant sunglasses. And it's like, you see that here, but when you see it in LA, you're like, oh, is that person famous? Like it gives you another five seconds of like, is that anyone? No, I think it's just there.

They're always like. I can barely make out their face, but... It depends on how good the brand is. But like the cheaper sunglasses that you can get are always those big ones. Right. So it's just... It's a golden time for giant sunglasses. Yeah.

I love it. They're always great. But if you have giant sunglasses and you're carrying like a Louis Vuitton bag, you can be like, oh, is that a famous person? And then it's not. Why don't you yell? Are you famous? What are you from?

I'm from Vancouver. I don't know who's famous here and who's not. Abby and I went out for lunch yesterday. And at my work at CBC, there's this burger stand, which is like a fast food burger place called White Spot Triple O's. And the weirdest name, but going. Yeah, yeah. It's got a history.

Okay. It sounds like a cancer diagnosis to bring it back to cancer. I'm sorry. You have White Spot Triple O's. It's stage one. Good news. Just stop eating candy and you'll be fine. And you've been eating a lot of White Spot, haven't you?

Anyway, go ahead. And Abby was like, she came downtown to met me for lunch and i was like do you want to go to white spot or uh we can go to this nice place and we went to the nice place oh yeah nice and uh i assume as we were sitting there uh abby uh noticed the guy sitting a table down from us was some actor i didn't recognize him and she looked him up on imdb and showed him to me and he he was on Degrassi. Ooh. Do you know of Degrassi?

Yeah, but isn't it not on anymore? Or did they reboot it? Oh, yeah. They rebooted it. It's still on. It's in the newest generation, the Drake generation. I know it was a big deal in America when I was growing up, but I never watched it. Maybe I've seen one episode or so, but I know it was a huge deal. Yeah.

But yeah. It's still going. They rebooted it a few years ago, and it's on like its third generation now. I still watch it. I'm current with the- Oh, it's Degrassi Junior High, right? Well, now it's just called Degrassi. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Because they don't want to limit them. They had the kids of Degrassi Street, and they grew into Degrassi Junior High, and then they grew into Degrassi High, and it was grew into Degrassi High and it was very, it was like a heavy teen soap. Yeah, but it was like quality, I remember hearing. But not video quality.

Like it looked like it was produced with, you know, 1980s. But I heard it was smart and it had, you know, not unrealistic looking people on it and all that kind of thing. It had a lot of uggos on it. Oh, a lot of uggos on it. Oh. But anyway,

when I got back to my office, my coworker was like, hey, I just went to White Spot Triple O's and Oliver Stone was sitting next to me. Oh.

Oh no. Way better sighting. Yeah. Oh man. What was he, I can't, I've heard such crazy things about him.

a workshop. On what? Being mental? Yeah, being mental. Being mental and you. I heard he was like peeing on cables. Yeah, it's on how to pee on cables. What?

He was peeing on cables? What do you mean? On a movie set. Just, you know, I have to pee, but I'm not leaving the set. So I'm just going to pee over here and if it gets on some cables. On electricity. I can't remember if that's a story someone told me personally.

There's a little bit of pee in every movie I make. Was he just sitting alone? No, apparently he had two guys with him and then he got up to leave

and said, it's time to go and Wow. Like an SUV pulled up out of nowhere and kidnapped him.

He's like, tell my story and just picked him up and it was like an SUV pulled up out of nowhere. And kidnapped him. He's like, tell my story. And just picked him up. And it was like the guys he was with timed it out perfectly. And like, I don't know how it works. Wow. But when you're that.

I never see, people always ask me, do you see famous people in LA? And you don't because they don't live in the parts that, you know, there's like, I used to live down the street from Seth Rogen, like a block walking distance. And his place was completely, you know, really overgrown with bushes, not overgrown, like he was taking care of them,

but tall bushes. It's like, yeah, he's kind of a hermit. Yeah. It's not like you could look in his windows, but everyone knew that was his house. So every once in a while,

you get someone that lives in a normal neighborhood, but mostly they're in the Pacific Palisades, which is kind of on the way to the beach. It's this area that the only thing you can do there is live there, so no one works there. There's no office building, so there's no need to ever go there. So you don't see,

that's where any picture you see of, you know, Ben Affleck with a Starbucks, he's in the Palisades, and nobody's there except other famous people. So unless they come out. The famous people work at Starbucks. Yes. They only let famous people work there. Yeah, it's a co-op.. So unless they come out. The famous people work at Starbucks. Yeah. They only let famous people work there.

Yeah, it's a co-op. Ben Affleck taking up the garbage. I saw one time, I saw Keanu Reeves at this awful lunch place kind of near one of my old jobs that he was just having some kind of meeting.

Nothing exciting happened. I'm trying to think of who else. I really haven't seen, I saw Kirstie Alley eating brunch one time. I was afraid to. That's pretty good. That was kind of fun. time. I was afraid to. That's pretty good. That was kind of fun.

Yeah. I was trying to listen to see if she was talking about Scientology. We didn't see anyone this trip. She's a Scientologist? Oh, yeah. What? Yeah, big time, from way back. Oh, I didn't know.

She was born into it. Yeah, there's a lot. That's not true. Guys, there's so much I don't know about Kirstie Alley. You're so naive. Yeah. I am so naive. It's true.

What's the most Scientologist movie? Is it Look Who's Talking? What does that mean? Oh, you mean like hidden message? Yeah, well, the most Scientologists in the cast. Oh, I thought you meant there was a hidden message. Oh, I guess probably Battle of the Elder. The baby was named L. Ron Hubbard.

I never noticed it. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wait, there's a lot of subtext here. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. Isn't Will Smith, he's a Scientologist, right? He's in that gray area where, I can't believe I know all this stuff, where he and his wife. This is fantastic stuff.

They're really good friends with Tom Cruise. Right. And they've donated a lot of money to those specific schools that aren't public schools, they're not private schools, but like a certain type of school that was made by scientologists so they dabble yeah feet and community college they dabble in the teachings but i don't think they've declared themselves oh but what with his and her gay rumors i of course think they're both gay and scientologists so they're both in in the rumor world they're both gay they married each other yeah're both gay. They married each other. Yeah. To neutralize. To be each other's beers. Yeah.

Yeah. To neutralize. Yeah. And then they've had these kids. Maybe. Maybe those kids are just standing. I don't think anyone disputes that the kids are theirs. Why?

Do you mean they're not real kids? Yeah. They're not real kids. They're holograms. They're holograms or robots. Those kids worry me. They're kind of. I know every kid can be obnoxious, but it's weird when you see it on Twitter. But then I'm like, well, maybe they're, okay, because if I'd had a-

Who's the elder of the two? The boy? No, the girl. Oh, maybe the boy. Her tweets are so silly. She's Willow? Willow. They're like, they're semi-

What are her tweets? Give us a sample tweet. I wish Iow? Willow. They're like, they're semi What are her tweets? I wish I had one on me. They're semi deep for a child but I don't want to make fun of them because we all thought the same thoughts when we were 13 and 14 but we didn't think it was important what we couldn't put on the internet.

We didn't have as many Twitter followers. We had nine, like two. But I would put it in my diary and think this is very interesting, smart, and important. So I don't want to make fun of her because she's not doing anything different. But I just wonder if it will affect her more because people actually can see it. And they write back, oh, my God, you're so smart. I love you. Nobody said to me, oh, my God, you're so smart.

I love you. When I wrote in my diary, you know, what does it matter if we're all going to die? I eventually just had to reason out in my head that I sound stupid. And it's the oldest question in history. And other people have said it way better. Well, then why do people, how can anyone marry their high school sweetheart? If we're all such dumb idiots, like how can you, like you can't want to still be in love with that person. Oh, right.

Like if I just met you now right I get to I get to just imagine you've always been this way right and not have to see when you were saying

stupid crap oh yeah like you had to like do you ever think about turtles and if the shell is just too much you're like

oh god you're just like snuggling with your husband one night but you have a flashback to when he said something really stupid or

yeah let's start a band I'm more attracted to the way you used to be when you were a stupid idiot yeah I have to confess I did have a Facebook thing

recently where I really did get excited and I'm not even looking for a boyfriend or anything but if I was going to have one there's like

three pre-existing people who it would be there's not anyone who hasn't been born yet well it's it's not anyone like i'm not out looking or on tinder or anything like that like i don't really care to do any of that stuff and i don't care if there's not a thing in my life right now um i find it easier so but there's three people i call them like pre-existing conditions that I've already had crushes on. And they're from all walks of life. Some are people I know now. Currently, some are from high school. One's a cowboy.

One's a police chief. Yeah, one's a fireman. So if any of these three guys turn around and said, you know I have a crush on you, right? I'd be like, oh, I didn't. Let's do this. So one of them is a high school person. The other two are not. The high school person.

He was a person you knew in high school. A person I knew in high school. He's not currently a high school person. Oh, wait. Thank you school person um he was a person you knew although why not right yeah sure i could run some laps no he is he is someone i knew from high school even from middle school and i've talked about him vaguely on other things or in a book or something but i don't want to repeat stories. But basically, I always had a crush on him in middle school. And he was in a band, but in the city of Boston. Oh, okay. So he was a 13-year-old in like an adult band. Was it Joey McIntyre?

No, it was Steven Tyler. It was the young Steven Tyler. And now you know the rest of the story. But I always had a crush on Jim Ignatowski from Taxi. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. That was like one of my types. Also on Bobby. So just imagine those two scumbags are kind of my type.

Right, in a band. Yeah. Yeah. Or one of my types. Denim on denim. Denim on denim. I thought that was such a good look. this guy let's call him uh let's call him jim let's call him jim jim wore denim on denim long hair the most beautiful blue eyes you've ever seen skinny uh converse sneakers and had

things like led zeppelin written on his sneakers and all that kind of stuff classic yeah but i was like that too because my sisters were older than me and they left me all their eight tracks. So I was a Zeppelin head since I was five. Right. And so I just didn't look like I liked them because my mom would dress me in sixth grade and I looked a little bit, you know, just dorkier. Polly Prissy pants.

Polly Prissy pants. A little bit Prissy pants, but yeah. And so I sat in front of him in homeroom, and I would always try to talk to him, and he was just always kind of out of it, tired from the night before. From his partying. From the band. Yeah. So then he ended up dating my kind of slutty-looking friend,

and they really were perfect for each other on paper. It was like Kurt and Courtney, but more metal, you know? So I was like, all right. And then I never really saw him that much in high school. And then I've gone through Facebook to look at people I've had crushes on in high school and college, and everyone looks wildly different, not even themselves, but worse. But you turn, there was a guy and I'll get back to what I was saying. There was a guy in college who seriously looked so much like Kurt Cobain. Skinny, blonde hair, same eyes, same hunch, dressed like him. He knew it, too.

And the girls were going crazy. This was like 1993, the best time to look like Kurt Cobain. And my college was in Boston in the city, so the campus was the city. And you would see people screaming turning around freaking out on the street because they thought it was him and then you look close and you realize it's not but wow so we went on one date to see this band fits of depression okay that i know kirk hobain liked and that's the only reason i went to see it and i felt like oh my god i'm here with a guy this is all happening.

And then I found out he had a drug problem, this guy. Hence the skinniness. So I wasn't that into it, so I kind of let it go and nothing ever happened with us. Anyway, I look him up on Facebook. This is a different guy. This is a college guy. Let's call him Kurt Cobain. I look him up on Facebook.

He is probably 50 to 60 pounds heavier all over completely bald like big doe face and he's a computer programmer on the uh somewhere in the seattle area and here is that is this like it's disappointing yeah it's well i don't even at least he moved to seattle yeah he finally moved to seattle and i'm looking at his photos and his wedding pictures and he's married with kids and he's got like jokes that aren't that funny on his facebook page like oh tmi coffee is it coffee time you know that kind of stuff i was like you used to be kirk cobain dude. So that was, anyway, so I've never seen one person on Facebook that kept it going.

And I look up Jim, and it pops up as someone you might know. He lives in LA. He looks the same but more polished. He's gorgeous. Oh, wow. Beautiful blue eyes. He has the beautiful hair and wearing a nice, like, cool rock and roll kind of suit in his profile photo. He's in a band.

He's like making money with it. Like he's a teacher as well. Like he's got it together. And then I start going through the pictures and he's with some young girl who's taking a comedy class. Oh, no. And she's like, Jim was so nice. He came to my comedy classes. Final performance. Like she wants to be a stand up. And I was getting so mad. Like I am a stand up, no. And she's like, Jim was so nice. He came to my comedy class's final performance.

Like, she wants to be a stand-up. And I was getting so mad. Like, I am a stand-up, Jim. Jim, we had it all. Be like funny ladies. Not that there's anything wrong with the class, but she just seemed younger and whatnot. So I was like, oh, forget it. Forget it, Jim.

I didn't even friend request him. I was like, I'm not giving you my time. But is he still one of the three that would that you would sight unseen if he said be my girlfriend i'd be like based on the past sure yeah based on our cool rock and roll history based on our history of not speaking but me just staring at you yes and the other two are like they're not from high school but it oh i thought i thought it was a rock and roll guy college guy kurt cobain no that was just a side trail no the other two i i uh they're just like people in life, but no. If you found out you looked, if you realized you looked like a celebrity, like Kurt Cobain or whatever, would you play it up? I imagine any celebrity I would look like would be wholly unflattering.

If I was younger, I would, I think. Okay. Like a teenager. If I was a teenager. Now I think I wouldn't because I would be. Yeah, it would be annoying. I get told I look like so many different people and every one of those things annoys me. People are like, you look like Tina Fey.

I'm like, I don't want to look like Tina Fey. Like, no offense, but she's a mom and I don't want to rock a mom. I'm my own thing. Yeah, I'm my own thing. We work in the same field. Yeah, people go, you look like Katy Perry, and I don't want to rock a mom. I'm my own thing. Yeah, I'm my own thing. We work in the same field. Yeah, people go, you look like Katy Perry, which I don't think I do. But then I'm like, I'm not a pinup goth person. You know, it's like, I know they're all quote compliments, but I'm like, I'm trying to just

look like me. Is it like Tom Sharpling had a rule that you just don't ever, unless it's Brad Pitt. Yeah. Unless it's like the most attractive person. But what if you're the guy that wanted to look like, you know, some down and out rocker and people keep being like, you look like Brad Pitt. And you're like, no, I'm trying to look grungy. Yeah.

I still say never tell anyone. No, because it never. People always give me like some actor I've never heard of. Like it's always a different one, but it's always like, hey, this guy was the sixth lead in this movie. You're like, cool. I'll be signing autographs at the nice restaurant. Yeah, exactly. I could be on Degrassi.

But I, every time that somebody sends a thing, sends a photo of some guy who, fair enough, looks like me, but it's some dude who's out of shape with a big bushy beard and it's not, it's like, I know what I look like.

Like, I don't need you to fucking find a guy in an ad. Hey, this guy looks like you. Okay, great.

You know, thanks. Oh, I, speaking of celebrities and Degrassi, I did meet someone who intimidated me.

No. How? Jason Priestley. Oh. I've met him as well. You have? Yeah. Was he nice to you?

He got very drunk at a comedy show and heckled. Oh, no. Being heckled. No, it was kind of a treat. I mean, because it was Jason Priestley and it was like. Well, yeah. I guess the nightmare of a heckler is you don't have anything on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But with Jason Priestley. Wait, tell me everything. Have you told this story before? I haven't heard it. Oh, my God. This was way back in the, I used to host a show. I still host the show, but it was at a different location. And he was in town filming a TV series.

Oh, with Zach Galifianakis. With Zach Galifianakis, who used to come down to our show all the time Because we had a Wait, he was on that show True Calling? Was that the show? Yeah, with Eliza Dushku? Yeah

He kind of came in in the second season Oh, I didn't know that Okay, okay So then he Came out, he was super drunk Everybody was drinking They had just come from maybe a cast party or whatever And

I don't remember what he shouted, but it was him. And everybody turned around and was like, who was that? And then as soon as you turned around, you could see it was Jason Friesle. And so it's exactly what you said. I was like, I'm not going to just stand here and take this from Jason Friesle, the guy who used to hang out at the Peach Pit. And everybody laughed and laughed because it was. Oh, you said those words? Yes.

Oh, that's great. Okay. Because everybody knew it. Everybody knew that it was him and he knew he was him. Right? Like he wasn't unaware that, you know, like, oh, I'm the guy from 90210. So it turned into like a pretty great thing. So great.

But he was, wow, he was so hammered. I think those were his big drinking days too. Yeah. I don't know if he quit or toned it down. He makes, you know, he's still around. He seems like he is a cool dude. Yeah, he like races cars and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. That's cool. He's a cool dude, like Frankie Muniz. He's a car racer when I met him I made a fool of myself because well it was at work at Chelsea Lately he was a guest on the show and I just had to do a quick little like as you're throwing to commercial like little two second sketch and he knew someone on the show he knew one of my friends so she came down to say hi to him and I said oh I just want to introduce myself I just said i just need to get a picture with you to make my friends from high school jealous and i know i just said i i mean i was the biggest no to an orphan i still am meaning the reruns not the

current one right and i said i know that's annoying and he just kept staring at me like i was insane and he was like really and i was like yeah and so you you know you were a cultural phenomenon yeah that's what i mean and i didn't i didn't know if he's one of these guys that's like no i only want to be known for what i'm doing now but i don't think he is and he was he was uh promoting a memoir he wrote which a lot of it was about being on that show maybe he just doesn't believe that somebody could like they he can believe that somebody liked it yeah but wouldn't you't, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's still something I talk about and think about. Yeah, like, maybe he's like, no, she's just being nice.

Well, he might have even thought I was kind of messing with him, too, like, given that he was in this environment. And so then I took a picture with him. Right. And I said, I don't know, I said something about Shanna Doherty's character. I was like, oh, my God, I go, I'm going to pretend I'm Brenda or something. And he was like, what? Why am I still talking? Yeah, why?

I'm going to pretend like I'm your sister? And then he goes, oh, nothing. And I go, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to bring up her name. He goes, all good things to say about that woman. I go, I just read an excerpt from your book where you said that she was kind of a diva. I go, so you don't have to say that and then i was like why am i still talking it was weird but it did make everyone

on facebook yeah fun jealous yeah everyone's excited about it absolutely no one on facebook gets angry jealous well if you post pictures of you having sex with their husbands maybe maybe yeah no well how do people get angry jealous on? I've just got some friends who think I'm bragging if I put a flyer up like, hey, I'm going to Montana if anyone knows anyone there, you know, it'll be like, I just have heard. Humble brag. Yeah, I've heard, I've gotten weird comments like that. So I've stopped putting anything to do with performing on my real Facebook page.

And just have like a fan page for, you know, here I'm coming to Montana. But that one I did put up for specifically two of my friends who I knew would get it. But, and I made it very clear. We're not hanging out. I bothered him at the show I work on. It was not,

he doesn't care. You're very considerate of other people's envy. Yeah. Cause I just, it's for my own good. Cause then I have to get emails and things that start with, well, you seem to be doing well. And I know I'm not famous, but if you remember me from high school, I'm like, oh, forget. You know, so it's just for me.

I prefer to get that as the lead. Really? No, I don't remember you from high school. That's right. Exactly. I did get a message from someone I knew really well in high school last year. And I was like, hey, I don't know if you remember me. I was like, of course. Like know if you remember me i was like of course like what yeah yeah how shallow is my memory is that an expression

yeah yeah what did they want from you oh they want something they're just checking in just checking in um nice yeah was it a lady that still loves you no was it a lady um it was a lady yeah she loves you no no no she's no what if you check in with somebody yep it was no? It was a lady. Yeah, she loves you. No, no, no. She's... No. What? If you check in with somebody? There was a reason. There was a reason, but I don't want to go into it. I'm saying whenever the reason was, the subtext was, things aren't going well in my marriage,

I'm just checking in. To see if things are going well in yours. But then I'm saying like, oh, did you have that doctor's number about that thing? Or you like dogs. Whatever it is. No. Subtext is, she still loves you okay or she's always loved you well i mean i assume most people have always loved me yeah

no one's a good way to yeah like the i get a lot of like uh i don't anymore but i used to get a lot of oh i used to have such a crush on you like when why didn't you tell me i was so message i was so alone for so long yeah like just go that would have been a good tweet if you're a teenager i've been alone for so long yeah sure i would have started retroactive i would have started that yeah teenagers listening go tell the person that you have a crush on that you've accomplished them seize the day especially if it's girl to guy. They will be so relieved. They'll be blown away. Yeah. I might be wrong.

Yeah, you might be. You know what? Just stay in your rooms. It'll build character. But you know what? That's true. No one wants to be, like, I don't know if I have any friends who seem like they were happy teenagers. Yeah, no, that's true.

Well, I don't know. Like, if you were a happy teenager, then. I was happy, but happy being unhappy. I knew how great it was to go to school, have everything paid for, take dance lessons, take French class at school, have all these weirdos I hung out with, pass notes. I knew this was.

Oh, really? You really had a sense of that. I had a sense. I knew this was a dream land and that real life was coming someday so i really i was unhappy in the ways that i'm unhappy as an adult like sure right a little less magnified now but my unhappiness was never about anything to do with school except you know this is a good perspective yeah i was only depressed because i was depressed i was just a kid that was like sad and longing and i didn't think anyone liked me

boys wise you know and that kind of was ugly and all that kind of stuff but school was fine i thought you were ugly you look like katie perry oh thanks uh wow yeah no i thought school was uh I thought it was some sort of mind control prison camp. Like, I really hated every moment of it. Yeah, I kind of thought that was some classes, but I think I got off on thinking that too. Right. Like, here I am at the prison camp again. Oh, I can't wait to move to New York.

This is like what I would think all day long. Yeah, no, I guess I didn't mind mind school I didn't want to do any work I never did any homework I never did I think that's why I was actually a really good college student because I was really good at bullshitting already from like an early age

of like knowing how little work I need to do the minimum yes yes oh wow then you learn in life that's kind of that's that's it's like true and not true depending on what you're doing i think i did a lot of work in high school i was probably smarter than reading way better books college i was just like i'm exhausted i work so hard so hard now. Like, I don't relax ever. I don't relax ever either. All I do is relax, you guys.

It's great. But maybe that's, you put your time, you know. Yeah, maybe I figured it out somewhere along the way. Do it as you get older. Yeah. Work harder as you get older. Yeah, just work yourself into that grave. Yeah, sure.

Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, nothing. Nothing? I mean, I didn't see Oliver Stone. Oh, you didn't see Oliver Stone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on with you? My house got broken into.

Oh, that's right. I heard about it. What is happening? I know, right? Ugh. Jen is visiting Canada and told us before the show that everything in Canada is weird yeah well there was

a taxi driver that drove you here that was terrible yeah I almost got killed in a cab and I've been to Canada a kabillion times but I swear

every time I go I always hear weird crimes are happening yeah yeah yeah how did they break in were you asleep in bed and then someone was standing over your bed

my roommate my roommate was asleep in bed yeah and he like cause he had to go was standing over your bed? My roommate was asleep in bed. Yeah. And he, like, because he had to go. It was a long day yesterday. I had to drive him to the hospital because he had to go to surgery. And then he was at home, like, recovering.

And then somebody knocked on his door. His bedroom door? Yeah, his bedroom door. Like, it was the person who was like breaking into the house and he woke up and the guy ran out of the house oh but he had

just had surgery uh yeah so yeah so like he couldn't like do anything about it he was gonna chase him or whatever

it was a hernia oh my god yeah he had a surgery that's the worst um time yeah like you can't

like you're recovering and like you're like oh you know this is already a horrible long day. And then, yeah. And so nobody was hurt or anything. That's good. But how did he break in? Did he pick a lock?

He came in through a window, they think. Was it open already? Yeah. That makes me feel a tiny bit better. For the criminal or for us? Just for the world. Like, I think, okay, well, yeah, if you leave a window open, I guess someone could crawl through. But I always get scared when I hear about people making an effort, like knocking it in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my first thought when my roommate called. He was like, oh, we were broken into. And I was like, oh, no, like they didn't fucking, like, we're not going to have to have to like guard the door all night or something like that, you know what I mean? It's like militia. What time of day was it? Like in the middle of the day. Well, not in the middle of the day, like

4 o'clock in the afternoon, but like not night time. It sounds like kind of a drug guy. Well, we live across the alley from a giant drug thing, house, building, whatever. A crack house. A house of crack.

There's always scumbags coming and going. Right, so he was probably like, I'll just go in and see if someone left some change on their counter and buy some more crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And totally like this building, it's just like Jesse Pinkman's coming and going at all hours of the day. What's that?

You know, Breaking Bad. Oh, okay, yeah. I never saw it. Don't everyone yell at me. I know it's good. It's fine. I'm talking to the listener. I know you guys wouldn't. But it's like.

It's really good. You should definitely see it. To catch this one reference, it would have been worth it, I guess. Was he the teacher? He was the student. Oh, okay, okay. The scrawny student. But the student becomes the teacher.

Of course, as in life. Yeah, so just like. Yeah course, as in life. Yeah, so just like... Yeah, that's super stressful. Yeah, and I don't know. I'm surprised that it hasn't happened before, but I kind of thought we had a... I thought our place, like our kind of local area

had a detente with the Krakos and Krakies. It's over. I used to live in front of a, in front of a, across from a crack place in Echo Park, Los Angeles, when I moved there 13 years ago. And yeah, I kind of,

there was a safe zone. Like we won't mess with the two girls that live across the way. We just have people coming in and out. Yeah. But then I started to just get worried because it's not like the people coming to the house had that same rule.

Yeah. So then I realized it's time. I didn't know it was a crack place when I moved there. It wasn't. It became one later. Should I start taking pictures of people or doing my. Yes. Yeah.

Like taking pictures of license plates. Pictures of people. Yes. Oh, just have a whole case file. Yes. Like put up with the red string on my wall. You know what I mean? Not like outside, put up pictures of them outside your house.

You should also get a sign that says beware of dog and then get like a CD of dogs barking and play it all day long. Or just who let the dogs out. You should just always have something to deter them. Yeah. Or that sign that says, forget about dog, beware of owner with a big gun. Yeah. Or the one, the house next to us has a sign that says, wow, what, like if I'm reloading or something, like if you're running, I'm reloading or something. If you can read this, the bitch fell off.

Just have that on your front lawn once. read this the bitch fell off yeah just have that on your front lawn what um so yeah maybe i'll become like kind of maybe i'll try and organize like neighborhood neighborhood watch right try and get flush this crack house out yeah maybe once and for all do you have a mace or a taser or anything i keep you know it's the worst because like we used i'm this is why i'm surprised that we haven't been broken into before because we used to have this roommate who's a real dumb idiot. And he left the door open all the time. He would like come home from work super tired and just leave the door open. Oh, so tired.

Yeah. So tired. I can't shut it. And so for a while, like I like had like a knife next to my bed because I was afraid that somebody was going to just walk in the door, which is a natural thing for a crackhead to do. I gotcha. Yeah. So I have that. But I should have mace because I don't know how to use a knife.

I'm not like the Joker. And I feel like it would be traumatizing to knife a guy. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, to feel it going into their liver. No, I would only do it once and I would let goizing to knife a guy. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, to feel it going into their liver. No, I would only do it once and I would let go of the knife. Now you've got the knife. I don't think I'd have the wherewithal to put a knife out. Oh, no, no, no.

Is it a bread knife? It's a pretty big knife. Oh, okay, because a bread knife wouldn't work. That's for bread. Yeah. But you would hope it's just one of those garden variety people that doesn't have a weapon, and they see you with the knife, and then they leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, like, that's what I think. I think they were looking for an empty house, and their roommate was there, and then he just ran away. I had a coworker who, he lived in a bad neighborhood, and he... Ran away with my roommate's computer, I should say. Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah, he stole my wife's computer. Not her, not my roommate's computer, I should say. Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah. He stole my wife's computer. Not hernia roommate.

No. Open window roommate. Oh, open window. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I know, right? Crime. It's the fucking worst.

I had a former employee, co-worker. I've never had an employee in my life. We need to get an intern. an employee in my life. We need to get an intern. But he lived in a bad neighborhood and he would just leave. He had a good computer, but he had an old computer

that he would leave out in plain sight in case anyone ever broke in. Genius. Well, it's not like, it's not a deterrent at all. Yeah.

But he, one time someone did break in, didn't steal it. The only thing that happened was they found a belt in the middle of the kitchen. And I think the guy came in just to shoot up. Oh, yeah. Sometimes you want to. So that's fun. Oh, no.

Sometimes you just need a quiet place. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my apartment's so crowded right now. I can't even shut up alone anymore. Yeah, I Airbnb the place while I'm not there. I'm terrified to do that. Oh.

Airbnb? Yeah. Oh, don't ever. Rent it out or rent someone's place or both? I'm more scared of renting out mine and then, yeah, scared to rent someone else's. I don't understand the people who rent out their places. Like, I assume that you must be very desperate for money. Yeah.

Not desperate, but just like. Well, some people are like really nice. I just don't trust anyone. Yeah. Unless it's someone I knew. But you do have to like register like a lot of your. I think you have to give them like your passport information and stuff. Yeah.

I mean, it's not. It's not a. It's not anonymous. Luring to murder website. But, I mean, it's not a It's not anonymous. luring to murder website. But everyone I know Everyone I know who's used it loves it.

Really? Yeah, I've used it and it's been fine. Well, you don't love it, but everyone else loves it. I'm afraid of like people trashing it,

that's all, or just something like that. Having a party. Yeah, because I would get in trouble. Right. Yeah. Because I don't own a home.

It's like a condo place where it's quiet and you can't have a party after nine. Oh, do you live in an old person's place or something? Everyone's drinking Sambuca with coffee beans in it. I call it assisted living. No, it's like a new building and you rent it, but it's just this ginormous thing of like, they just say like, try not to have a party, you know, after nine. It's like, you know, it's not like I would have some big, huge thing, but yeah, it's like kind of a, everyone just kind of respects each other's. I love it.

Yeah. So early. Yeah. It's great. I had a little Christmas party this year from four to eight. It was the greatest. The greatest. The building that my grandmother lives in, I often fantasize about being able to move into a place like that. Because it's all senior citizens.

And just me. And I'd be great. I'd be great. I leave the door open a lot when I'm tired. But aside from that. You'd be stealing from them. Yeah, that's true. They have all the pills and stuff.

They don't want anything from you. My grandma loves pills. I do love pills't want anything from you. Graham loves pills. I do love pills. And I bet you... Graham loves pills. I bet you they have... I bet you seniors have parties where they trade pills. I bet you, like, everybody just throws their pills in a bowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody just has some pills. Or they use them when they play, like, a card game instead of money. Oh, yeah. You win three per cassette. Oh, man. I can't wait to be a senior citizen. Oh, yeah. You win three per cassette. Oh, man. I can't wait to be a senior subscriber.

Oh, boy. We are missing out. I'll let you know as I approach Friday. Things change. Oh, Lordy. Well, should we move on

to Overheard? Let's do that. So it's time for a little bit of business. Yep. And now- Now, when we say business, usually we have ads for other people. Now we just have ads for us.

Yeah, it's time for a little us time. Yeah. Now, two things. Two things on the agenda. First of all, you may or may not know that we are doing a live podcast here in Vancouver. Yep. On October 2nd. Mm-hmm. And at the Biltmore Cabaret. Yes. podcast here in Vancouver on October 2nd and

at the Biltmore Cabaret. Yes. And our special guest. Yes. Long time favorite. Yes. John Doerr. Love him. And we want you to be there. We want to see your smiling faces. We want to see your What have you done with your hair?

What are you doing? Yeah. How are you dressing? Are you teasing it? Yeah. What's your fall fall look oh yeah oh october 2nd yeah look we're recording this in the it's not even summer yet when we're recording yeah and our fancy is still turning to love oh boy i am so excited for fall already like this will this summer never end? Pumpkin spice everything. Yeah. October 2nd, John Doerr,

us, part of the Vancouver Podcast Festival. Yes. And that, tickets are on sale right now for that at Ticketfly or go to stoppodcastingyourself.com. I'll put a link for it

on this episode's recap. And it may or may not be sold out at this point. Who knows? It's hard to say. The other news is that we are nominated for a Canadian Comedy Award. How convenient. Yeah, in the category of Best Auditory Performances. Yeah, Best the category of best auditory performances. Yeah, best audio entertainment.

And, man, like, we used to, it was just us and podcasts before. Oh, boy, and we would just wipe the floor with those other podcasts. Yeah, we would mop the floor with them. We'd be like, ugh, Sunday Service podcast, gross. But they don't even do a podcast anymore. And so they had to, because they left the podcasting realm, now we are in charge of audio entertainment. Yeah, and we're up against radio shows, like national radio shows.

Like This Is That, featuring past guests Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly. They're going to win. It's a great show. Love that show. But you know what? I want to give them a run for their money. They may win, but I want it to be by like just yeah i want them to really sweat it out yeah yeah yeah i want to see those guys get really sweaty yeah me too like sauna sweaty yeah yeah like

racquetball sweaty yeah yeah like real shiny couple of shiny guys. Yeah. So go to canadiancomedy.ca. Vote for us in the category of best audio entertainment program. Probably. And like last year, I said I would slime the trophy if we won. I didn't. But this year, I will not only slime the trophy. I'll slime myself. You've made slime.

I've made slime. It's at home. I've perfected slime. It's at home? Yeah. You have a batch of slime. It's at home. I've perfected slime. It's at home? Yeah. You have a batch of slime? It's a batch. Yeah.

It's a vat of slime. In the fridge. Your roommates are furious with you. They're like, hey, move this slime. Or at least put your name on it so I don't eat it. So I don't slime myself with this slime. It's in the work fridge. Whose slime is it anyways?

But, you know, it's that kind of great comedy that you should be voting for. CanadianComedy.ca. And you know what? Let's go back to the episode, shall we? Over herds. All right. Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food? Do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his Phillies garb to a Colorado Rockies game?

Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio? If so, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman. I heard all those cases already. Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman, adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the internet, and I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as, is a machine gun a robot, and is it okay to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage? Bailiff Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice. Kind of two of the same thing, actually. Judgment and justice. Kind of two of the same thing, actually.

Judge John Hodgman, take a listen if you do not mind. I order it. Come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org. This is Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast.

Guess what? We both just had babies. Again. Check out the show enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which the general population, gen pop, you go out there, you listen to what dumb and smart people, loud people mostly, are saying.

And then you report it back here to us, the podcast. To us. And we usually, we like to start with the guest. Oh, yeah. If you would lead the charge. Well, I overheard this yesterday on the plane to here, Canada. And because they wouldn't let me put on my headphones during takeoff, I got to hear the kid behind me asking his dad a million questions.

But it wasn't the kid. The kid's questions were valid and smart. But he said, Dad, is the plane going to crash? And his father didn't answer. So that was the most striking of the overheard part was the complete silence from the father. Dad, is a plane going to crash? Silence again. Can the plane crash?

Everything's going to be fine, son. He doesn't even give answers like it's the safest thing. You know, what do you think? And then he goes, are the windows? I what do you think and then he goes are the windows i actually was impressed by this he goes the windows aren't glass is that so that they won't heat up and i'm like i think that might be true and then the father goes no if they were glass they would break and we'd all be sucked out of the plane why would you say that he wouldn't answer about the crash yeah for fear of maybe scaring his kid.

But then his kid just goes, oh, okay. And then that was it. That was the weirdest thing I have ever heard. Yeah, I feel like as a child, a lot of my concerns went unanswered. Yeah. But I was fascinated with like, hey, what happens if we open that door? We'll all get sucked out. Yeah.

It's the greatest thought when you're a kid. All I have to do is open a door. Everybody on here. And people would say like, oh, yeah, just the size of like a pencil eraser would, everyone would get sucked out through this tiny hole. Oh, that's like in, what movie is that? Alien? Is that one of the, I don't know.

Those Encounters? No, I'm just naming movies now. Snakes on a Plane. Oh, yeah. Snakes on a Plane. I grew up in a post-Snakes on a Plane world. I was three when that came out. Oh, yeah.

I'm really young. Yeah. I was too young to see it in the theater. Yeah. So. But I enjoy it now on VOD. Yeah. I only know Samuel L. Jackson from that movie.

Yeah. It's his finest role. Do you know what reference I always like to make, by the way, I know it's not overheard, but they know that Samuel L. Jackson movie that came and went, Black Snake Moan.

Love it. I never saw it, but whenever I say like, I'm going to stay in tonight because, you know, I'm hungover. I'm like, I'm just going to Black Snake Moan myself tonight.

Like, I cannot go out. And everyone's like, what? What are you talking about? I'm like, I'm just going to black snake moan myself tonight. Like, I cannot go out. And everyone's like, what? What are you talking about? I'm like, change myself to a radiator. Yeah, I can't go out. You did see that, right? I did see it. I didn't, but I'm just a fan of it.

I saw it because I liked Samuel L. Jackson's. No, his hairdo in it. I was so crazy about his hairdo. Describe it. You didn't notice the naked woman on Shandor Radio? The naked woman that you've loved since your childhood? Yeah, but that was secondary to me. Samuel Jackson, he was like balled up to here, like mid-head.

And then he had crazy mutton chops that went down and formed kind of a beard thing. It was great. You have to be careful not to use your black snake moan reference with your hairstylist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, yeah. Give me the black snake moan, yeah. Dave, do you have it overheard? Yesterday, I went to UPS.

UPS, we love to fly in its shows. And it was the pickup place or drop off place and i was in line behind this woman and she either um was doing something illegal sure because she was talking so much these nights yeah she was explaining so much like oh you know i used to use FedEx, but, um, or, uh, she's super lonely. And so that's, which is kind of a crime. Yeah. In and of itself. Um, because she was talking so much to the person behind the counter who didn't care,

but I feel like it's a good strategy if you want to get out of a place really quickly, like, oh, I'm just going to talk a lot, make the person uncomfortable. So they'll, they'll do their job quickly and let me get out of here. Smart. That is smart. But she said. We should smuggle drugs, guys. Right?

She was like, oh, yeah, I'm sending this to my dad. I need it to get there by tomorrow for Father's Day. And he lives in Edmonton. Sometimes it snows there. It's not snowing there now, so it's not a problem. I used to use Fedex uh but they i've had so many experiences where they you send it on a friday and they say it'll get there saturday and it doesn't and one time i even sent the same thing uh from ups and fedex and uh uh ups got there

fedex didn't um and but my favorite thing she said was so now i'm i'm completely on UPS. I love UPS. I like it because it's ups. You know, up, up, up. Oh my God. Everything's fine. Just like me. I'm fascinated by the day she sent the same thing to the same place. To the same place from two couriers that just wanted to do a courier experiment. Wanted to do a race. Like,

she's Consumer Affairs or whatever. She should have her own show. I sent a FedEx and a UPS. Guess which got there faster after the break. Yeah, or just like the, whatever, the Consumer Reporter on the news. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ups on your side.

Keep your exit a warranty. Oh my god, she should do it and call it like Big Ups on your side Yeah Keep your extended warranty Oh my god She should do it And call it like Big ups With Christine Featherman Whatever her name is She gives a big ups

Yeah I think it was Christine Featherman Big ups To UPS And FedEx They arrived at the same time Big ups Graham

Yep My overheard Comes I was at Drove to the hospital yesterday Hanging out at the hospital All day Oh fun

Really nice hospital Like as far as Which one? Try to move in They had a lady Like at a piano She was like playing Like old Frank Sinatra songs

What? Are you? For real It was great It was like Healthcare in Canada It was like The Healthcare in Canada. It was like the women's auxiliary club or whatever was there selling crafts and there's a lady playing the piano. And it was like super clean.

It was super nice. And so I was sitting there just reading and there were two ladies at a table next to me and they were reading the Bible to each other. I guess that's something that Bible. They were doing Bible trivia. Yeah.ag is aramish um so uh at at the end they did a prayer together and then they got up and um they went over to the craft table and there were two ladies working the craft table and they were like, okay, bye ladies. Thanks for everything. We're going to pray for you.

And the lady at the craft table said, I'm fine. That was so funny. For an old lady to say, I'm fine. Oh, it was an old lady? Yeah.

I love it. That's even better. Yeah. I'm going to pray. I'm good. Yeah. I'm fine. I've already got it all squared away. She's like, old lady atheist, like, don't even put my name up there.

I don't want. Yeah. Yeah. Don't. I don't want my name in the mix. Don't call attention to me. If there is a heaven, I'm sneaking it. That's amazing.

But yeah, that hospital, like I would hang out there I would bring a date there I would bring a date you I have a feeling that hospitals make you nervous

no I love hospitals what oh you would love love this yeah no hospitals have never

they're they're they're there to save your life. Yeah. It's the most safe place in the world. They've got great bomb shelters. All the drugs are there.

The surgeons. I didn't think about the quality of their bomb shelters. Yeah. Probably really good. All kinds of great shit there. Just people that are there to be nice to you. And sometimes there's outbreaks. What about them outbreaks?

I'm not nervous about that. I'm really not nervous about much. I come off neurotic, but I only just don't like speeding cars and some heights in certain situations. Depths. And you know, break-ins. Depth?

Oh, not that scared of that. Okay. But hospitals and sicknesses and stuff, I don't like getting sick because I can't ever stop or take a break. So there's no time to get sick. So I try to avoid it. But otherwise, it's not for any kind of, if I am, I'm like, whatever, who cares?

No, hospitals are some of my favorite places. Some of my favorite times. Some of my favorite memories. I've been in hospitals. Birth. My tonsils being out at age 21. So they have to keep you there for a couple of days because I guess it's a little more dangerous when you're older. That was so fun.

Were you like the coolest person in the hospital? You must have been. 21, no tonsils? I never thought of that in school. And then my, I was actually just saying this to someone the other day. My dad was sick last year and he's fine now but he had had a fall and hit his head and so he had to get his uh like brain operated on and so he was a little like your brain gets swollen when that happens so even though he was better um and they got the little blood clot

out since his brain was swollen he was still kind of out of it and forgetful so i flew back to boston to be with him that whole week my mom and my sister were there and stuff. But we would just take turns sitting in the room with him because the nurses weren't exactly paying attention all the time. And I just wanted to be with him. But there was one day when I just sat in his hospital room and there was some, you know, like weather channel on. And I was just reading a book and I was like, this is the best day ever. This is so much better than being at work. This is awesome. I could sit in a hospital and I was like, this is the best day ever. This is so much better than being at work. This is awesome. I could sit in a hospital and read forever.

And then when it was my turn to leave the room, I'd go into the waiting area and watch Family Feud with a bunch of people. The new Family Feud with, I forget his name. Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey. Yeah. I loved it. I was like, hospitals are the best.

Yeah. I got no problem It's like a casino Without any gambling And those Craftmatic beds Yeah and you can Fall asleep in a hospital

And nobody will Wake you up and say Hey you can't Sleep here Sure Because But they might be like Are you dead?

Yeah Yo are you dead? They might say that to you After you just move in To the ladies auxiliary They were visiting Yeah Okay But I think they're there On the regular Like they seem to know Their way around They didn't bring After you just move into the ladies' auxiliary. They were visiting. Yeah.

Okay. But I think they're there on the regular. They seem to know their way around. They didn't bring their own piano. No, a super nice piano was there. I think probably donated to the hospital. It had a beautiful wall of all the donors, and it was shaped like an ocean. All the donors had their own wave. It was great.

I want to go in and see you there. You've brought a bucket of punch I mean, a bucket of punch. And you're taking like a 70-year-old lover. And you and the lady are there with your arms around each other singing like standards. Yeah. And I was 17, remember? Think back. Boy, Graham is so happy.

Yeah, he's just at the hospital with his lady every day. Delta Hospital. Can't recommend it enough. All right. Now, Graham, is that it for the hospital. He's really in his element. Delta Hospital. Can't recommend it enough. All right. Now, Graham, is that it for the show? It isn't. We also have overheards that have been sent in to us by email. And if you want to do the same, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org.

And this first one comes from Adam in North Canton, Ohio. Ever been to North Canton, Ohio? No, but I've been to Ohio. Great story. North Canton is where the Football Hall of Fame is. Is that right? I don't know if it's in North Canton. I don't know if a town that size needs to differentiate.

Between the North and South? Yeah, I was in the good half of Canton. He's overseen. He's seen a Calvin and Hobbes with Calvin peeing on a thing. On a car? Yeah, on the pickup truck. You know these decals? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Decals, please. Decals. It's all right. So Calvin's wearing a fireman helmet, and he is urinating on the words, ex-wife and vagina boy oh my god that's like an overseen yeah that's an overseen absolutely what's vagina boy yeah i can i get xy sure yeah but who's vagina boy well maybe that's what he calls her new yeah i think that's

him you can get custom things for Calvin to pee on? I guess. Can you imagine having to say that at the order? And vagina boy. Sorry, what? I'm just going to write it on a piece of paper and you can just send it back to the printer. You know what? Just give me the individual letters.

I'll say them to you in no particular order. And I will reassemble them. This next one comes from David in Portland, Oregon. While I was at a Target tonight, a sketchy looking guy approached the customer service counter and said, can I use the courtesy phone? It's for an emergency.

It's an emergency. Well, it's not an emergency. It's for a ride. The employee said, sure, and then the guy picked up the phone to place the call. The next and final thing I heard was, hey, rabbit, it's Matt. Oh. So his buddy that he was calling was named Rabbit.

Oh, sure. That's what I, that was the charming part. Or it's a pseudonym. Like he's doing a drug deal. From Target? That's not what you're supposed to use the courtesy phone for. Oh, but Graham, Target's got a dirty underbelly. Dirty underbelly?

Seamly? Seedly? Seedy underbelly. Seedly. They've got a garden in the basement. Yeah, they've got an unseemly underbelly. Was it outside of Target where that racist lady was yelling at the guy in the car? Did you see that viral video?

No. Oh, yes. I saw that. That was terrible. Yeah. I don't know if that... I feel like that's more of a Walmart-y incident. Well, we want to say it's a Walmart, but what's the difference? Is Walmart...

Yeah, basically. Target's less evil? I think they're both pretty evil. I mean, I don't know who... I mean, is it a contest? If it's a contest, then I guess Walmart's bigger. So, yeah. So, it both pretty evil. I mean, I don't know who, I mean, is it a contest? If it's a contest, then I guess Walmart's bigger. So it's more evil because it has more to do evil with. And they made Ferrell sing happy to them and sing-

Ferrell. No, I'm not going to pronounce it. I thought you meant Will Ferrell. He would never sing to Walmart. Well, it's not his song. That's true. Good point. I hate that song.

I just want everyone to know. Happy? Yeah. Well, it's... I know it's for children, but I don't like when grown-ups like it. Oh, no. I get upset. It's for children, but what isn't?

I know grown-ups who like that song. Of course. I'm highly disappointed in them. Yeah, like if it was played at a club, they would go dance to it. Yes, yes. I'm not talking about grown-ups with children who've grown to like it. Child-free grown-ups. Like you would be at the club with them and you would stay on the periphery.

I'm not dancing. I wouldn't even be at the club. I'd be blackstained. This last one comes from Jeff at Parts Unknown. This last one comes from Jeff, parts unknown. He was riding the bus to work and noticed a group of sullen-looking youths near the back of the bus. When I passed one wearing a Cookie Monster baseball hat, I couldn't help but notice the title of the book he was holding, which was Dank 2.0, The Quest for the World's Best Marijuana. That's a book.

Yeah. Wow. What a world we live in. I totally would have read a book like that when I was in high school. There were kids in my high school that had like, I remember one kid specifically had a book on like hydroponics. And he was like, I'm going to grow celery. But everyone was like, yeah, sure you are. Oh, I thought pot was like heroin when I was in high school.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I was scared. Oh, I did too, but everyone else was smoking it. Oh, yeah. Everyone else was in my high school too, and I was like, they're gonna die. They're gonna OD, and they're gonna start shooting up. It is a gateway drug. But usually to like, I'm gonna do a hacky comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, usually to Cheetos, man. But, yeah, actually, I know people. Most everyone I know has smoked pot and then also done, like, mushrooms. Yeah. Everybody I know has done heroin. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Everybody. Who do you hang out with? You. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. You used to be big on the horse. Well, that was another thing. I, yeah? Yeah. Everybody. Who do you hang out with? You. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. You used to be big on the horse. Well, that was another thing.

I didn't drink in high school. I didn't smoke pot. And everyone was like, oh, you know, if you, I've heard about people who abstain for a really long time, but then it just opens the door. When you finally do drink, you become an alcoholic. Oh, I remember hearing that too yeah so it is true that you don't know how to drink properly like the first few times i drank i threw up because i didn't know when you were supposed to stop but it wasn't like oh i can't

stop i'm so addicted it was just like i just guess i'll keep drinking it is weird that like i will drink four beers but like the idea of having four of any other drink is disgusting. Although I did that recently. I had like four cocktails at a bar. No, I just mean like four Cokes. Oh, like four of any other beverages. Yeah, like four orange juices. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. Like if you were at a restaurant like, oh, you want the... You want another one? The Ras Dango lemonade from Denny's? Yeah, bring me four of them. That's such a good point. I never thought about that before. It's just a volume thing.

It's like, if you're not drinking at night, are you at home drinking that much water? I do drink a lot of water. Yeah, me too. I enjoy drinking water. Mostly, I enjoy drinking water out of different types of containers. Yeah, me too. Gotta. I enjoy drinking water. Mostly, I enjoy drinking water out of different types of containers. Okay.

Like? Bucket. Bucket. Glass. Jar. Feedbag. Pot. These are all things that I've drank water out of.

Crazy straw. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us. Our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people have. Hey, Dave Graham, an affable guest. This is Brian in South Florida calling with an overheard. I was in line at Subway yesterday, and the woman behind me was really indecisive,

and she's talking to the sandwich artist, and she points down to where the chicken patties are for sandwiches and then the chopped up chicken patties for other sandwiches and she's pointing at both and she asks the sandwich artist by pointing to one and then the other, what's the difference between that and that? And the sandwich artist points at the chopped ones and says, that is just chopped up that. Pointing at the whole chicken. And then the woman says, ooh, they both look really good. That's just chopped up that.

I did it with scissors this morning. Yeah. I like that he used the term sandwich artist. Yeah, me too. this morning. Yeah. I like that he used the term sandwich artist because I feel like Subway had an ad campaign in 1992 where they called them sandwich artists

for two months and it stuck and no one takes it seriously. This guy's showing some respect. They probably still use it in like the training manual. That's my bet. As a sandwich artist,

you take a solemn vow. Yeah. Welcome to the world of sandwich artistry. It sounds like that sandwich artist was a little sn vow yeah welcome to the world of sandwich artistry it sounds like that sandwich artist was a little snarky as well yeah a snark artist as a as a snark artist the bond between a sandwich and its artist is unbreakable um except with a bread knife which you should never use to stab an intruder. Yeah, unless he's a bread man. Yeah.

And jealous people that don't understand sandwich artistry are like, I could have done that. I don't get why that gets to be in Subway. Yeah, but you didn't. All right. I had Subway the other day. I felt so sick afterwards. Like, just instantly sick.

You should have seen a doctor's associate. Well, I wrote, I made fun of them on Twitter, and then they wrote back to me. They were like, please report this to customer service. I was like, oh, read the joke. It was a good joke.

At your expense, Subway, but don't try and be taking the high road. It was your sandwich that made me sick. And you're like, this is the new customer service.

I told Twitter, now send me free stuff. But don't send it to me from your place. Send it to me from a place I like. Don't send me free Subway stuff. I've had send it to me from your place. Send it to me from a place I like. Yeah. Don't send me free subway stuff. I've had that with UPS,

which I loved. Way better than FedEx. I heard that they will deliver same day as FedEx. Drew? The thing I shipped was just like, was sent to the wrong place, and I was tracking it, and I'm like, this is not going the right direction

at all. And I tweeted about how terrible they were and someone who works there follows me and was like, let me help you. And it was great. Nice. Oh, that is nice. That worked out okay. Power of celebrity. Absolutely. Here's your next phone call.

Hi, Dave and Graham. And if there's a guest, hi to you as well. Call in with an overheard. This is not actually mine. It's my sister's. She was at the park with her kids, and her son was playing in the sand area with some other kids. And a kid scooped up a cup full of sand and offered it to my nephew, my sister's kid, and said, it's handcrafted in New York City. Oh, that's so adorable.

What a little like a con artist to me. He's just taking something that's already there and renaming it something. He's just good at marketing yeah handcrafted in New York City yeah it does sound good I'm thinking of a salsa

yeah I'm thinking of some like a micro brew yeah handcrafted artisanal yes bullshit or

you could probably buy sand handcrafted you could literally I bet you could you could google it right now and be like we've I mean they would say Brooklyn yeah I bet you could Google it right now and be like, we've, we've, I mean, they would say Brooklyn.

Yeah. I bet you could buy like Caribbean sand and put it in your, where you'd put it. Yeah, why not? Oh, what was it? Oh, I went to Alcatraz and they said like, because this is a national park, you can't, don't take any sand or anything like that. Like, cause I guess people would take it and put them in a jar and be like, Alcatraz. Oh, I have the,

I have the soul of murderers. Yeah. Just that energy on my mantle. The most dangerous people. Yeah. Some, some dirt

off the foot of, you know, whatever, whoever lived there. Yeah. The bird man. Did Al Capone? Yeah,

Al Capone. I associate him. They named half of it after him. The Al part. There was another guy, Al Catraz. He was more. Oh, really? Yeah. They named it after him. The Al part. There was another guy, Al Catraz. He was more... They named it after him.

Not a lot of people know that. At the time, he was a bigger deal, but now Al Capone's like the Dave Clark Five and the Beatles. I still reference Al Capone's vault when Geraldo Rivera made a big deal about opening it. It's my favorite thing to reference. I did it on Twitter a few weeks ago and someone was like oh that's a family guy reference i'm like no

that's a reference we've all been doing forever family guy stole it from me yeah i mean you know i hate that like because they reference everything so everyone always thinks you're referencing that you block that i block everybody i have no followers i hate that when I'm like, oh, I have a really good joke about this thing. And then like I'll see a movie or a TV show that has just references the same thing. And people like, oh, I can't tweet this now. People will think I was inspired by it. By blended. Yeah.

Or I'll see something in a movie and I'll be like, oh, I got to wait before I tweet this because I secretly was inspired by Blended. I've only ever seen one movie, but it's great. Yeah. The chemistry between those two. I feel like they just wanted to spend time together. I mean, how their spouses aren't jealous of their chemistry. It's undeniable, those two. Spouses, I think, get to come on the trips.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of the most famous classic on-screen chemistry, and I can't. Kelly and somebody. Kelly and Dylan. Everybody from 90210. And then the people from Casablanca, whatever all their names are that I can't remember.

Bogey and Fergie. From the Black Eyed Peas. Bogey and Fergie. Bogey and Fergie. From the Black Eyed Peas. Bogey and. Wasn't it Catherine Hepburn? Well, this isn't that thing, but Catherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy, they were. That's what it was. Oh, Spencer Tracy.

That's right. They weren't to Casablanca, but. No. But they had. They're like the chemistry twins. Classic chemistry. What does that even mean? Like, because David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, they had chemistry, right?

Or did they? Did they have anti-chemistry? I never really watched that. What does it mean when you say they have chemistry? You can't define it. Sorry. But you better not. They better never have sex.

Because that'll ruin it, right? Yeah. That's what it is. That's when the beaker explodes and there's no more experiment. Well, that sounded smart, but it didn't. Yeah, I know. That's when the beaker explodes and there's no more experiment. Ah. Well, that sounded smart, but it didn't. Yeah, I know. You said the word beaker.

Yeah. That was good. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. I did for a second make me think of the Muppets. Oh, I was totally scared of that one. Beaker? Beaker and the eagle terrify me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The eagle, he's very judgmental. I just didn't. His eyebrows were scary. Yeah. He's a really scary Muppet. They call everybody weirdos.

He did? Yeah. I don't remember him talking. He'd go, weirdos. I kind of love him now. I have to re-watch some Muppets. It is a pretty good, it's like a non-threatening. Yeah.

Even though he was a weirdo, too. Right? Of course. They were all, you know, they're all made of felt. Yeah. Well, that's true. Foam and felt. And they all have The Henson stitch

They all have a Hand in their butts Right I mean not to Blow any minds Yeah Not to say that They're weird for that

Look I accept all comers Especially if you have A hand in your butt Guys If that's what You're into Just don't do it In front of me

In the public Yeah in the public. Yeah. Romney, 2012. Religious freedom. But not your butt. No. Here is your final overheard, you guys. Hey, Dave Graham.

Nope, that's it. Oh, wow. I just drove by a movie theater, and on the marquee, they had abbreviated the fault in their stars to fault stars. Good enough. Yeah. One for fault stars, please. Hey, man, you're a fault star.

Yeah. Oh, my God, I just got that. Oh my God, I just got that. My favorite one of those that I ever saw was driving past the Johnny Depp, Charlie's, was it Johnny Depp? Charlie's Theron movie. Chocolat? The Astronaut's Wife.

And it just said Astro Wife. One for Astro Wife. One refund for Astro Wife, please. I don't think I saw that or remember that. He goes to space. She stays home. It works out. She stays home.

I think he maybe comes back with alien sperm and impregnates her. Weird. I only see the movies where he's all like dressed up weird. What did you say that he looks like? A cigarette. A cigarette. Sure. He's like a cigarette wearing scarves.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vests. He does look like a cigarette. A cigarette. Sure. He's like a cigarette wearing scarves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vests. He does look like a cigarette. He's just so smoky looking and leathery, which is great. It's still a great look. And he wears glasses that have blue lenses, but they're not transitions. They just look like transitions. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's a good call for when you're getting a little older, you know? Like a tinted glasses? Yeah, you got some wrinkles. You don't want to get surgery. Just throw on some sunglasses. Yeah, yeah. Karl Lagerfeld it up, you know? Keep them on.

Keep your glasses on. He looks like a young pup, that Karl Lagerfeld. I can't tell how old he is. Can I see some IDs here? Well, Karl Lagerfeld, you can't tell how old he is because he's either 70 or 1,000. Yeah, he might be a true zombie. Yeah. Why does zombie shows, it's always like young, hot people.

Like, do a fashion one. A fashion zombie? Yeah, like the next show should be about him. Oh, sure. And just how he is one. Are the zombies young, attractive people? I don't know. I've never watched any zombie show.

I just make judgments. I'm sick of these attractive zombie shows. No, I think, yeah. Oh, I'm confusing it with vampires. I really am. Sorry, sorry, I am. Because I think Carl is more of a vampire. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

I can be a zombie and a vampire. I think of him As more of a wolfman Who? Or a Yeah a black lagoon Yeah More of a blob

A Frankenstein Yeah sure Well that brings us To the end of the Show The end of the podcast And Thanks for being our guest

It was super nice To come and podcast in Canada yeah thank you is there stuff you would like to plug

this is always where we plug stuff oh great alright well you know this is the last time I'm on the road this summer

no unless you're in Lund unless you're in Sweden or Ireland Vodafone Ireland I have you know people can just go to my website jenkirkirkman.com, and then go to tour dates. I have a ton of stuff coming up in the fall of 2014 all over the great land of America.

And I especially want people who live in Palm Beach, Florida. Do you have any listeners there? Probably. To come to the show I'm doing Friday, August 1st at the Improv. Because you're afraid it's going to be all old people. I wish it was all old people. I wish it was all old people. Oh my God,

those are my, but it's just the comedy club's way too big for its own good. It has like seats 550. I'm like,

why don't you take that down about 300? We get calls from Florida, but people don't say the city. They're like,

we're in South Florida. We're in North Florida. I don't know what that is. Yeah, I know. I think people are embarrassed to say the names of their cities. Well, just go to

my website, everyone, and come to some shows. Yeah, get out. I think people are embarrassed to say the names of their cities. Well, just go to my website, everyone, and come to some shows. Yeah, get out. Shake it up. Get out of your funk. Take those chains off. Yeah, don't black snake moan yourself. Unplug your radiator. Wait, where does that movie take place?

The South? South Florida. Why would you need a radiator there? Just on those cold nights. Should be in air conditioning. Yeah. But then they're very easy to move around. Was would you need a radiator there? Just on those cold nights. Should be an air conditioner. Yeah. But then they... Very easy to...

Was it a radiator or an alligator? Yeah. Oh, good call. You know those climates where it's warm in the day, but it's a cold desert breeze at night. I think it was... The desert of South Florida? I think it was Arizona.

Somebody call in. Oh, okay. We're taking calls now. 206- 339-8328. Well, thank you guys. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Dave, anything? No. This will come out on the 30th of this month. Oh, so very soon. Well, Toronto.

Oh, very soon. You will be. Toronto Fringe Festival. Telling jokes in a Fringe Festival format. But really it's just me telling jokes. It's a one-man show. I love it.

There's only going to be one man. Yeah. Me. And it is a show. So technically all things are accurate. Yeah. So come to that. It's torontofringe.com.

That's all you need to know. Funky. And go to maximumfun.org to check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this episode. We'll have pictures and videos of stuff like Black Snake Moan. Black Snake Moan. Absolutely. Sambuca.

Sure. Jason Priestley. Yes. All the pictures from my Facebook. Just kidding. I'll uh you know Google Kurt Cobain lookalike

oh I wonder what the first picture is do you think there are do you think you can get one for a party yeah to just hang out and sulk yeah

privately I'm gonna email you guys the before and after pictures it's quite amazing yes I look forward to it I wanna see this guy's pudgy head

um and if you like the show tell your friends thing. Yeah. I look forward to it. I want to see this guy's pudgy head. And if you like the show tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.