Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 331 - Adam Pateman

Episode Date: July 21, 2014

Adam Pateman returns to talk about the apocalypse, doulas, and Toronto.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 331 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is one of the boys of summer, Mr. Dave Shubka. What can do? Your breath gets shattered in a second.

You got your head ticked up. Sound glasses on, baby. That's a hit for Don Henley in the 80s. But kind of an eternal, like it's like how Monster Mash at Halloween. Every summer. Yeah. Every year my dad would get a CD of spooky summer songs and decorate the front lawn with like dead surfers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Jeff Spicoli's. Yeah, like a crashed ice cream truck. Yeah, notebooks in a fire. I don't know. Alice Cooper. Yeah, just there, just golfing. Just jacking it. And our guest today is a return guest, frequent guest here on the podcast, and a favorite guest, Mr. Adam Pateman.

Oh, hi, guys. Oh, hey there. Welcome back. Thanks for having me again. Yeah, you're welcome there. Did I say dare? No, no. We're just all having fun.

Yeah, we're finishing your thought. The thought was to say dare a few more times. Yeah. Should we get to know us? Please. Get to know us. Now, before we delve in, I just want the audience to know that our first super hot, super hot recording day of the summer. Graham was away for three weeks, so we pre-taped a bunch

in june and now we're heat wave yeah now we're we're in the middle we're in we're not in the dog days of sun but we're close yeah yeah um and we had a uh computer disaster before the show and so i am in i'm covered in sweat from trying to fix it i I blame everything on the heat. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I don't want to get into too much of it, but people gotta up their, uh, just behavior. Like, they gotta be better in this heat. Because I feel like this is the type of heat. This is the devil testing you?

Yeah, I feel this is the type of heat where a riot happens or somebody snaps and just, like, kills a guy. Well, as history has shown in vancouver yeah yeah yeah but the people are begging for it they're begging for a riot the way they're acting on the bus most specifically on the bus people who don't know how to behave and it's crazy i just love how snarky vancouverites are for like the whole winter and then she's like you just know that they're like oh they're just wanting summer so bad.

And then the snarkiness just stays and gets worse. Yeah. What do you mean by snarky? I mean, just like, I don't know. Maybe it's just me where like, uh,

the beeline, which is, you know, the big bus in Vancouver. Yeah. Uh, people just get kind of pushy and chubby. I think,

I think the way to experience summer is as far away from a city bus as possible like if you want to have a good summer i have to agree i try to take a sangria onto the number 14 that's how i like to unwind yeah so adam tell us all hello welcome what's new uh not much for the past uh year i guess i've uh, working on this TV show, uh, in the, um, editing, uh, side of things and on the writing side of it. Tell us, tell us. Uh, yeah, I work on a show called, uh, Yukon Gold. It's on history television.

Really? You work on that show? Yeah, man. I didn't know that. Have you heard of, do you know this show? Yeah, because is there like a glory hole involved? No, that's a different, that's a different show. Oh, that's Alaska Gold or something? Yeah, that's yeah that's uh alaska gold rush and uh wait a minute wait a minute yeah it's on

the soup they get made fun of a lot oh okay the alaska one has a glory hole is that what you said is that the word where you stick your wiener hole it's not it's just like uh it's uh it's the same word it's probably where the wiener hole thing came from. Oh, I see. This glory hole is so old that every time it's been about wieners, it's been referencing this show from now. But wait, does glory hole mean something else in gold terms? I guess so. I could understand what it means.

It's like a patch of ground that's getting a lot of gold, so they just like stick with it. So it's like, oh, that's the place. That's the hole full of glory. It makes sense. Yeah, no, it makes total sense. You put your wiener through it. Yeah, yeah. You get what you get, and you don't get upset.

Yeah, and you get a gold STD. So this Yukon gold, this is people going up to the Yukon, like literally panning for gold or going in with, you know, huge equipment? There is panning. Tell us. It's both. It's a bit like modern gold miners. So, yeah, it follows like four different camps around the Yukon, and it shows their like trials and tribulations of getting gold. What are their tribulations?

Their tribulations? Wait, first of all, what's tribulation again? I like to use words I don't actually know. the Yukon and it shows there are like trials and tribulations of getting gold. What are their tribulations? Their tribulations. Wait, first of all, what's tribulation again? I just, I like to use words. I don't actually know. It's where rivers,

uh, there's like a tiny little branch. I guess when I was asking, when I was asking, what are the tribulations? Oh, what I meant is what are tribulations? I can tell you what trials they're going through.

Okay. Yeah. Um, yeah. Yukon versus gold. The show mostly seems to be centered around things breaking down. Oh, yeah. Excavator motor breaking down and stuff.

But then it's like personal differences and stuff. So there's like some drama between the characters and stuff. The gold miners, they're not like yee. They're not that kind of gold miners. Old prospector. No. Well, there's a lot of rural twang, I'll say. A lot of the guys are from Alberta.

So it's just a lot of like, oh, I seen him coming up the road. When people say, I seen it. Or instead of saying batteries, they'll say batteries. I love it when that happens. Batteries sounds British. Batteries. Batteries. I love it batteries sounds British batteries shouldn't batteries batteries

sing what I sing batteries wouldn't be don't like rural people just call them wonder wonder bars

the power cylinders now electricity tubes is there still gold up yonder Power cylinders Now Electricity tubes Is there still gold up yonder In the Thar Hills Oh there is still gold up in the Thar Hills I suppose Yeah there's uh They didn't get it all

Because it was like an industry for such a big chunk of time There was a rush Do we want to talk about the gold rush Let's talk about the gold rush If you go up north If you go up to the yukon they they still way out north where the air gets cold there's a tale about christmas that we we've all been told and a rural famous cat all dressed up in red he spends the whole year working out on his sled is the little saint nick i don't know that i don't know that poem that was just blowing my mind though I thought he was just

I thought Dave was freestyling and I was pretty pretty into it um cause if you go like Dawson City

which is way up north it's just just like an old timey yeah I used to live there as a kid what yeah

really it's weird that I'm on a show where I have to go through all this footage of like oh yep that's where I used to ride my bike. You lived in Dawson City? Yeah.

I didn't know people lived in Dawson City. Yeah, my parents were teachers. They went up there in like the mid-90s and they took us out. Of course people live there. What do you think happens there? It's real. I thought it was like it's like a ghost town except for tourist season when all these people kind of flood in and like, we're the old timey saloon over here.

No, it's like the- It's that too though. Is it also that? Yeah, there's also people like, the population doubles in the summer and people go up there and they put on shows like, people walk around the town like,

if you follow me, you'll see where a man was hanged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For fun. I don't know if that actually happened specifically. I haven't been there since 96, but I've been-

Oh, but they've hanged a lot of people since 96. Oh! It was all by accident. There was a big run in 99. The big hang rush of 98. Yeah. It was a different time.

Beavis and Butthead was no longer popular. It was the closest thing we had. If you're going to get hanged, you're going to want Beavis and Butthead to be off the air. Tell Beavis I love him. Was that your Butthead? No, that's just a guy getting hanged. Oh, okay. That's just a guy who loved Beavis and Butthead.

Who was killing him? But only tell Beavis. Yeah. Tell Beavis I loved it when he was like bunghole. That was the great Cornholio, I think. Yeah, it was a bit of his character. What? That was the same guy?

So both of your parents were teachers in Dawson City. How many people live in Dawson City? At the time, it was like 2,000 people. Wow. So your parents taught all of them. Pretty much. It was a K-12 school, and it was only 300 kids. Your parents were trying to explain to them what batteries were.

Batteries, batteries. Again from the top. Do not stick them in your ears as earplugs. I cannot stress this enough. They are not charge bills. That's what credit cards will be in the future. They're just bills you take. Oh, yeah.

I call them charge bills. My credit card is limitless. So is it fun to edit a reality show? Yeah, I'm in the real peripherals of the editing side of things. I basically go through the footage and catalog it at this point. Right. And then I do some story assisting on the show, too. But, yeah, for the most part, it's just like aerial shot of Dawson City going into some rolling mountains.

Right. And you have to just list everything. And, you know. Guy says something stupid about gold. Obviously does not know about gold. Yeah. Guy, is there a dumb guy? Oh, there's always a dumb guy on every reality show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, a show can't keep going without the dumb guy. Yeah, there's dumb guys. I mean, I don't want to name names because, like, they come to Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, a show can't keep going without the dumb guy. Yeah, there's dumb guys. I mean, I don't want to name names because they come to the Christmas parties, man. What? They're allowed in? Oh, man.

Yeah, I guess for the show last year. Well, they're rich. They've got all that gold. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They just eat gold. They're on a gold heavy day. Just gold flogger and gold filings.

But yeah, I've gotten to meet a couple of them. And it's funny because I get more starstruck meeting these miners on this show because I've seen more footage of them than I've seen any footage of a famous, famous person. I've seen... I saw Kevin Spacey

once and I was less starstruck seeing him than I was seeing Ken and Guillaume from Yukon Gold. How much gold does Kevin Spacey have? Like, probably not that much. He might have some. He might have some. It's good to have for the apocalypse.

Gold is going to be real big. You know what? It's going to be less good. Well, if you think about the apocalypse, it's going to be a socioeconomic apocalypse. What kind of apocalypse are you expecting? I'm expecting... Wait a minute. Wait.

If it's a socioeconomic apocalypse, why is gold worth anything? Because it's the only thing that's real, man. No, but food and... Yeah, food and water is real. But when the economy does start picking up again, you're going to need some kind of monetary source. And I feel like gold will still be there. You think it'll go back to the gold standard? What if it goes to a brass standard?

Why would it go to gold? Brass standard. Yeah, the alloy standard. Who has all the gold now? Will we just kill them? Yeah. And also we? That can be your plan, man.

I'm not. That's how you can get your gold. I'm about to be a father. Yep. And here is one thing. I'm a raw be a father. Yep. And here is one thing, like, I'm a raw nerve right now. So like, you know,

like every TV commercial makes me cry. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. Even a Dairy Queen commercial? Every, like that one with a guy singing the song about s'mores.

And I'm thinking a lot about death. Yep. And I'm worried a lot about death And I'm worried a lot about the end of the world And having to carry my family through some kind of desolate Cormac McCarthy I told you not to read any Cormac McCarthy Oh, I didn't I'm not going to read a big book Yeah, no, it's true But don't worry, if it comes to that, I'll help

Oh, okay, cool Yeah, I'll it's true. But don't worry. If that comes to that, I'll help. Oh, okay. I'll pitch in. What? Don't worry about me. I'm going to have the... I know where Reliable Gun is. It's going to be my first stop. Oh, that's right.

That's close by. Yeah, I feel like people are going to have apocalypse kits pretty soon. I've thought about what would be in my apocalypse kit. What would be in it? Okay. A lot of this is based on another comedian that has maybe been on the show. He's like a conspiracy theorist type of guy. Okay.

You know who I'm talking about. Yep. I think. Yeah. Just say his name. J.P. Mass? Yeah.

J.P. Mass. He has not been on the show. Conspiracy theorist. Yeah. Anytime I talk to him about the possible, okay. Yeah, he's, every time I talk to him about like the possible

end of the world, like he really puts it into perspective. And I think, I don't want to give away what his plan is, but. Let's go to the mountains

and survive like a mountain man. Oh, fuck, I guess I have to just say it. Like, he thinks just like, get a kayak because that's like the best way.

Like, you're going to want to get out of the city and there's lots of islands nearby here. Like, we're luckily in a city where it's just like get a kayak because that's like the best way. Like you're going to want to get out of the city. And there's lots of islands nearby here. Like we're luckily in a city where it's just like you go like an hour. What kind of apocalypse are we talking about here? Socioeconomic.

So what? Riots in the street? That's what we're talking about? Maybe. It could come to that. I'm going to definitely. You're going to run out of food real quick in the city. But you see how people are on the beeline. You know that they're going to be way worse food real quick in the city. If you see how people are on the beeline, you know

that they're going to be way worse if they're... But you can't just have a kayak and not practice doing kayak all the time. That's why you got to get prepared. That's why I'm saying you got to get a kit. So he's taking his kayak to an island? Well, okay. The idea is that you bury a kayak with a

backpack in it with a month's worth of dehydrated food. A bar of gold. Okay. In case the economy kicks back in again. In case you just want some extra weight on your back when your kayak starts sinking and you're on Main Island and you're like, Oh no. The zombie deer. Leave my bar of gold.

Oh no. Oh, someone dug up my! Me and my bar of gold! Oh no! Oh, someone dug up my kayak! This kayak's been buried too long! It's rotted from the inside! I feel like it would be like that Seinfeld where Kramer keeps hiding the key for his lockbox in different places. Like your kayak is just going to get found every other day.

Or they build a condo on top of your kayak. Oh, damn it. He's like, don't worry, I'll find it. You drop a pin. You're like, oh yeah, pins aren't going to be found on the apocalypse. What's in the apocalypse kit? A bar of gold. A bar of gold.

How big a bar of gold? I'd probably only put like an ounce in there, maybe a couple ounces. I don't know how much that is. A bar of gold. That's like about 1,400 bucks for an ounce in there maybe a couple ounces i don't know how much that is that's like a bar of about 1400 bucks for an ounce of gold like a bar of gold is like twenty thousand dollars or something and it would sink oh you can have bars of many sizes oh you're talking about small i'm talking about like a little like maybe an uh half an iphone size thing of gold that would probably like that would be that's about what's in my savings now anyway. That's enough for your, to bury with your canoe.

Yeah, I don't want too much weight. I'm just going to want something for a case. Wait a minute. Wait, do you bury your kit or do you bring your carrier? You bury your kit with the kayak. That's my idea. Well, where are you going to get a shovel in the, how do you know you're going to be able to find a shovel? There's going to be shovels around, man.

No, you think so? It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world. People are going to be digging to find a shovel. There's going to be shovels around, man. No, you think so? It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world. People are going to be digging up kayaks left and right. The first thing that's going to go at the apocalypse is shovels. Actually, it's true. I remember there was a blizzard in Vancouver one year, and I went to Canadian Tire, and I just went, and I was like, where are you?

And then they were like, snow shovels? All sold out. Yeah. Well, it happens. You couldn't dig up a kayak with a snow shovel. I'm not saying that. Unless you'd be buried sold out. Yeah. Well, it's... You couldn't dig up a kayak with a snow shovel. I'm not saying that. Unless you buried it in snow. Yeah.

But when... I mean, if everybody has an earthquake, or sorry, an apocalypse kit, then yeah, we're going to run out of shovels. If everyone has an apocalypse kit, the whole world is blind. That's the thing that happens in Vancouver,ouver is in the uh in the winter you try to buy a snow shovel they're all sold out yeah in the summer you try to buy a fan they're all sold out yep do people throw out their fans at the end of the summer yeah they use them as snow shovels in the winter when they're when the snow shovels are sold out they're better use the fan

all the people that run out of my fan all the people that don't have a fan are the people that bought a fan seven years ago and i've just like i went through a weird breakup and then like the fan is now at the ex's house and all that yeah who gets the so every every year there's like a new person that fills that role as like i feel like i feel like that's maybe that's true in a breakup if you lose the fan if it's not hot when you break up you don't care you just get out of here just take the fan with you i don not hot when you break up, you don't care. You just get out of here. Just take the fan with you.

I don't care. Yeah. And then you're footloose and fancy free until summer comes again. Oh, man. I want that to be the sequel to Footloose.

Do you think? So bury a kayak. All the day you'll have good luck. Yeah, that's right. What would be in your apocalypse kit, Graham? A gun. So that I could take somebody else's apocalypse kit away from them.

I know, man. Bow and arrow, maybe. Like, have you been watching Walking Dead? Yeah, but wait. Now you're talking about a zombie apocalypse. It's not a zombie apocalypse. Hey, but you're still going to run out of bullets in any kind of apocalypse. No, because I filled a canoe with bullets.

So in JP's plan, is he taking the kayak to an island and then repopulating the island? Oh, God. With half human, half kayak babies? Luckily, I don't know which island he's got in mind. Because if I said it on this podcast, I feel like he would be super mad. Yeah, don't say that. Don't give away the whole plan. I don't know it don't give away the whole plan i don't know it but then which is good or is he just gonna be like maybe i can survive in the

middle of the water for a while oh i don't think that's a thing but no no there's so many there's this is a very islandy area yeah there's lots of islands but in this that's why i eat all that jerk chicken island thank you you're welcome yeah but in wouldn't a lot of those islands be underwater in some sort of apocalyptic scenario oh socioeconomic i forgot but what about an earth quako apocalypse yeah where did the o come from oh it's uh's Spanish. Earthquake-o-calrissian. I'm more worried about something more along the lines of an earthquake-o. More of a, like a, whatever the... Into the storm?

The day after tomorrow kind of... Yeah. Like ash thrown up into the sun. Yeah. Everything cools off. Environmental apocalypse. Yeah. That's another one. I don't i don't yeah see like the other day kayak might not be the answer when i found out you need a separate kit for different apocalypse yeah that there was a news story that like oh uh

37 million bees just died and i was like uh-oh i'm gonna have to carry my family through this bee apocalypse yeah through this honey free apocalypse apocalypse yeah it won't be nearly as sweet as the other scenarios where there's too many bees and honey everywhere that's a that's a different kind of apocalypse that's also a thing where like all the animals were like what if all the bees are gone then like the whole like food chain yeah i think uh we all die in four years or something yeah after the bees yeah honey less That should be the name of that disaster movie. Honeyless. Sorry, Jessica Alba. Honey, I killed the bees.

It's not necessarily that people are eating honey. It's that we're eating too much honey? No, it's the bees are pollinating the other plants. Oh, I see. It's not that we're just going to run clean out of honey. If Seinfeld redoes Bee Movie, it should just be about how all the bees are dying. It should take place in the distant future. What apocalyptic scenario does Jerry Seinfeld redo the Bee Movie?

Yeah, why redo the perfect movie? Wasn't it like a courtroom drama? Originally. It was called 12 angry men it was it was because the uh the bees and humans can have you ever seen b-movie i actually have not so i'm just making reference can jerry seinfeld's b character like you know lets it out the bees can talk and then humans can understand bees and vice versa and then there's a trial because what's the crime because jerry seinfeld's like oh they're humans are just taking our honey that we make and we're not getting a cut of the profits that's literally what the movie is about yeah and then there's like a it's like a courtroom how would they like

to be compensated with honey yeah with more honey with honey. With more flowers? I don't know. I don't, I watched it once and, you know. Only once? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I've seen it six or seven times. We watch it at every Christmas. Yeah, you know, if,

I don't know, you know, kayak is probably the solution, but gun is better. Gun, I think gun with kayak,

why not combine these? Oh, yeah. But yeah, you're right. No. I think gun with kayak. Why not combine these? Oh, yeah. But yeah, you're right. No, I think gun is definitely an option. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can get an oar that shoots. Do they make that? They're working on it. Somebody's working on it. Yeah. Somebody who doesn't understand the profit motive. What about an oar that shoots bullets?

Look, guys, I'm preparing for all apocalypses um i remember when my dad bought a toyota van in 1988 yeah uh we bought two toyotas a camry and a van and um uh when part of it was you had to pick an envelope and get a prize. And one of the prizes that I got, because my dad let me pick the envelope. This was when you bought the car, you got a prize? Yeah. Oh, okay. I pulled this envelope and they opened it up and it had a gold bar in it. That was about the size of your pinky nail.

Yeah. And thin. Of real gold? Yeah, of real gold. And I was like, Dad, we're rich. These suck. We won the grand prize. Yeah, yeah.

We can buy three vans. But that won't cut it in the apocalypse. I don't know. I feel like that size, I feel like that's, I mean, that's some. That's like some money. That's like not money What That's like Not bad Who's gonna

How are you You can't trust anyone In this apocalypse No it's true That's why you take your gun When you sell your gold In the apocalypse Yeah

How If you How long are we waiting For society to Sort of like You know Recalibrate And then you can actually

walk down the street with this gold and trade it for something. Think of how society now exists and how long that took and how not great it is. And then throw in an apocalypse somewhere in the mix. I'm not going to say it's not going to be weird

for a while, but it's definitely going to be like, alright guys, I've made going to lie. I'm not going to say it's not going to be weird for a while. But it's definitely, it's going to be like, all right, guys, I've made a weird bank. Come bring your seeds here and I'll give you things for that. Yeah. It's going to be like, yeah. Okay, all right. Just shoot you. Why don't I shoot you?

Well, yeah. We'll have to go through the Wild West again. Yeah, they've gotten rid of all the Biff Tannins, like, in this apocalypse. Uh-huh. By the time that they got these. You need to get rid of all of them. I just re-watched all the Back to the Future stuff. That's your Wild West reference.

You know, Biff Tannen. No, no, no. He was. Kenneth Branagh. What was his name? Mad Dog. Mad Dog Tannen. Yeah, yeah.

That's right. Yeah. There have been multiple generations of Tannens. Mad Dog. Biff. Griff. Griff. Yeah.

Griff. Yeah. Griff. Yeah, Griff never did anything of note. He. He. He had a robotic arm. That was weird. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

He could fly. I thought it was just futuristic noises. Yeah. He got arrested for breaking all those windows at the courthouse. Yeah, but like. Yeah, and he was sentenced right away. Biff did all the, because he won with the almanac. Yeah.

Yeah. Spoiler. He did, yeah. Well, that's a true spoiler. I just don't feel like anybody has not seen Back to the Future at this point. You know what I mean? Yeah. Back to the Future 2 takes place next year.

Oh, right. Shit. That's right. We're close. Biff is an old man in it. Yeah. And that actor is also a comedian. Oh yeah, Tom Wilson.

But he does not really look like that. He aged okay, maybe? Oh, like he doesn't, but he wasn't that age in 1950. Yeah, it's almost like he doesn't look like his 22-year-old self with weird makeup from the 80s. Well, no.

Well, Michael J. Fox now will look like, or he's the age that he would have been in the second Back to the Future. Yeah. Oh, when he's future him with two ties. Okay. But Biff in that movie is 30 years older yeah right yes yeah yeah right all right so i i i was just gonna point that out but i i am wrong we're just gonna have to stay tuned yeah so 30 more years of tom wilson what does the best boy do helps the geek rip he has a song yeah yeah that's right oh um he has like a music career as well no no no

it's a comedy song oh okay i thought you're like he has a music career yes i thought he was like with a song about people on the movie set well hey yeah maybe he has like you know sometimes people have a blues album oh sure like billy West, the voice of Ren and Stimpy and Fry from Futurama. He's in a blues band. No way. Really? Yeah, with Dave Barry and Stephen King. But, yeah, because like Bruce Willis, he had a crazy blues album that he put out.

Hey, you know who likes the blues? Only entertainers. Yeah, Jim Belushi. Jim Belushi and Bruce Willis. album that he put out. Hey, you know who likes the blues? Only entertainers. Yeah. Jim Belushi. Jim Belushi and Bruce Willis. Starring the Blues Brothers. No, no. Was it Billy Bob Thornton also?

They were more of an alternative country act to the Boxmasters. That's right. Wow. He's pretty serious about it. Yeah. Would you ask Tom Petty that question? No. No, is he here? Now, Adam. Yes. about it yeah would you ask tom petty that question no is he here um now adam yes you seem like the kind of guy who would be very excited that uh weird al yankovic is putting on yeah i am

i am very excited uh it's funny i i haven't heard it yet but i heard one of the songs today and i was like yeah that's pretty that's pretty good, I guess. Harsh. Right? Harsh. I love Weird Al, but like, to be fair, I like watched it on like the sea bus, like with only one

working headphone and I'm like, yeah, okay. That's not how it was meant to be enjoyed. No, it's exactly,

it says in the liner notes. Yeah, I watched the foil music video. That's the Royals. Royals, yeah. Goof. Sean Patton, or not Sean Patton.

My Patton. I always get Sean Patton. From Mr. Bungle. Who's Sean Patton? Oh, he's a comedian. Who am I thinking of? Sean something. Who am I thinking of?

Listener. If you stopped listening right now, Who am I thinking of? Sean something. Who am I thinking of? We know a million Shons. Listener. If you stopped listening right now, we wouldn't blame you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's releasing, he says this is the last album that he's going to put out. Probably a proper album. He's saying this is his last? I didn't know that. No, no, no.

This is his last album that he's putting out. Yeah, his record contract is up. His 34-year year long contract. 14 album. Yeah, like crazy. But now we can cut loose and do all the dirty stuff. Yeah.

So Dave had you pegged to somebody who was excited but you haven't even watched all of them. No, no. Because this one came out, what? Two days ago. Yeah, he was putting out one a day for eight days.

Oh, is that? Yeah, like Hanukkah. I need to know these things. I was the biggest Weird Al fan as a kid. In Dawson City, I wrote him a letter. Yep. What was the letter? It was just, hey, I think you're really great, blah, blah, blah.

All I remember writing in it was, well, I think you're really great, blah, blah, blah. And then I remember, all I remember writing in it was, well, I should probably let you go now. You've probably got to go pay your limo driver. Like, that was my

idea of a joke. Uh-huh. And I guess it was funny. That's a pretty good joke. And I was like, the only one thing I asked for was like a signed,

like a headshot or a picture of him. And yeah, I got it. And I got it in the mail. And Dawson City is such a small town that the post office is actually in the school. Wow.

And everybody just had the same postal code and everything. And so when it arrived, I was just like doing a math test. And then like some person who worked for the post office was like, is there an Adam Bateman in this class? He goes class by class. Here's the sign picture of Weird Al and then I was the coolest kid in class. Wow!

And then everyone got me to make Weird Al mixtapes for them. Oh man! You cornered the market on comedy and doesn't say it. I did like, I'll do a TV theme for you. Like before much music was doing the theme TV. Let me guess what the other theme was food yeah there was a

I put all the pokas on one that was a popular one yeah oh man there's a story that he told I can't remember where I read it

but that when he called he calls all the artists and asks their permission he doesn't have to but he does yeah

and he when he did the spoof of uh nirvana's song he called kirk cobain and it was when he was on set at saturday night live and he was like hey this is weird hell yeah i want to do a parody of one of your songs and all kirk cobain asked he's like is is it going to be about food? That's right. That's right. And he was just like so thrilled. Yeah. But he's like, is it going to be about food?

Didn't, because Prince would never let him do one. Right. And, um, Eminem. Didn't Coolio, Coolio misunderstood the arrangement

and was mad. Yeah. Oh yeah. That also happened with lady gaga i think because he did that um uh i perform this way and he made a video it was a really funny video yeah his face on a lady's body yeah it's hilarious but uh then she was just like oh no no no no i was well eminem when he asked eminem i was no, I don't grant my permission for my career that's now so silly. In retrospect, he became like Weird Al in his own right.

Well, he started. All his early big hits were joke songs. Yeah. With like every reference from the past 12 months. Yeah. Wait, where do you get off, Eminem? Come on. Come on, Marshall Mathers.

You think you're so great because you're in 8 Mile? off Eminem. Come on. Come on Marshall Mathers. You think you're so great because you're in 8 Mile. Because you, yeah, they did all these auditions. No, Eminem's the guy. He beat out Crossroads. It was Crossroads and 8 Mile. I think we're both, we're like

Eminem's first movie. Like, that's pretty bold. That's a lofty. Like, he's gonna be in so many more. Oh, you mean like Britney Spears was in crossroads Yeah, cuz it's like even at the very beginning of crossroads. It's like Britney Spears in her first movie. Yeah introducing Britney Spears Christina Aguilera in her first movie burlesque. Yeah, they all had one. Oh wait, wasn't she also in Moulin Rouge or she just in the video? She was in the video.

She sang the song. Yeah. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, Graham, we haven't recorded in weeks. That's right. And I've missed you, my friend. I missed you too, buddy. It's weird not seeing you every week.

I know. Same goes. Since you've been gone, quote yeah young kelly clarkson uh so much has been happening right we've had guests we've had a full house whatever happened to predictability um we've had uh abby's aunt sheila is visiting with her family and then abby's mother was here for a while and at the peak of it there were nine people sleeping in this house. Wow. And two dogs.

Did you all do like in the Brady Bunch? We did a Brady Bunch thing. Good night. Well, we all made these boxes and looked up and down at each other. Fun. Yeah. And that's the way we all became the Brady Bunch. Nice. The Brady Bunch.

The Brady Bunch. That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch. Nice. The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch. And Abby and I have been going to many, like, I could have talked about any, each of these, but they all happened while you were gone. We went to a prenatal yoga class. Oh, wow.

Why did you have to go? It was a couple's prenatal yoga class. Oh, wow. Why did you have to go? It was a couple's prenatal. Ah, there we go. So it was a lot of like positions you might want to do when you're, uh, uh, going into labor and things your husband can do to, to like help cigar smoking.

Yeah. Sure. Waiting room. The, uh, the pitching, the nurses, like poses or dances for you.

Um, like apply pressure on shoulder blade. Yeah. As husband. Yes. It was a lot of husband yes it was a lot of that it was a lot of like uh uh oh man oh boy i i've done yoga once in my life before and so when the teacher asked have has everyone done yoga before and we all put our hands up uh i guess she meant more than once because Because like, she was like, close your eyes

and get into, you know, this pose. And I had to open my eyes and like. Yeah, get into double deuce pose. I do,

I did yoga once four years ago. Yeah. I don't, I didn't learn the names of things. Anyways, that was great. Yeah.

Well, so, where do you take a class like this? At a yoga studio? At a yoga studio. Frozen yoga? Yoga is one of those things where if you put it into Groupon, just the word yoga, it's like a million hits of everything just in a five block radius. Especially in Vancouver.

Yeah, but have you ever done yoga? I had to for theater school. What? What does that mean that you done yoga? I had to for theater school. What? What does that mean that you had to? We had movement class. How's that going to help you in the goddamn apocalypse? I've been open on my own theater. In the apocalypse, for sure.

No television. You waited until the apocalypse to open your own theater? You know what? Space is hard to get in this city now. It's going to be a waste of your time. Just shoot everybody in a current theater. I don't need to survive an apocalypse. What am I worried about?

What's going to be so great on the other side of the apocalypse? Adam's Theater. Oh, that's true. I'm going to go see Adam. I'm taking over the stand. Adam's one man, 12 angry men. I just take over the arts club. And you're doing shows.

Everybody's running around like crazy. And you're like, yeah. You may as well enjoy it, guys. Adam Pateman is electric as everyone in Les Miserables. Oh, man. Big plans. So, you went to a yoga class. Yes.

That was the first thing. Yesterday, Abby and I went to a breastfeeding class. Which is something not all men have to do. Not anymore. A lot of women. But I think like two-thirds of the women brought a partner. Yeah. What is my role in breastfeeding?

Well, I get to watch the videos. Those are fun. Yeah, sure. I get to watch... videos this is fun yeah sure to watch uh what are in the videos you see the boobs yeah ah no babies it's just boobs just women on trampolines this doesn't seem useful at all it was great it was uh it was a jackal production um uh yeah no you basically your role there is um you have to feed the the mother yeah like oats and grains while she's feeding the baby like in a weird yeah you feed her a foot long sub yeah it's all gonna be simultaneous the milk doesn't come out unless something's going in guys It's like a meat grinder Apparently

They're so focused on The baby and they're so exhausted They'll just forget to eat and drink things Ah I see so you've got to keep them hydrated Yeah and also There are you know different Strategies and Ways of getting it started

And I'm like I was there to sort of put on the black eyed peas let's get let's get started yeah to learn them and remind her of them in case things aren't working right and is it i have no like beyond zero of an iota of an idea of anything to do with breastfeeding. Is it hard? Is it a thing that doesn't happen just naturally? I know the word latching. Yeah.

It's a thing that happens naturally is exactly how it happens. Ah, I see. But the generations of women have been conditioned and nurses and and uh medical professionals are quite quick to replace it with formula ah uh etc um and not every woman can do it uh but uh there are you know good ways and less good ways no one will ever do not shout at your wife. No one will ever, in any of these, everyone in all of these things are very positive. Like, no one ever tells you you're doing anything wrong. It's just like, that's one way of doing it. A better way might be this. Right.

Do not gamble on your wife's ability to breastfeed. Yeah, do not literally gamble on her belly and, you know, shoot dice. 16 on red and four on breastfeeding. And then, Low bet. Before that,

this past weekend we spent two days in someone's house. It was a weird setup. This is another class? Yeah. Okay. It was part of the breastfeeding thing,

but it wasn't breastfeeding. It was the prenatal class where you learn basically how to deliver the baby. Is this, they do Lamaze? It's not Lamaze. It's different. What is Lamaze? Yeah, Lamaze is such a fancy 90s word.

Yeah, it's such a TV word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it from family times family you go and you do breathing exercises and yeah uh it was some breathing exercises it was some sort of like positions and strategies and uh just the different stages of what you can expect when you're expecting ah fun um did you watch that movie we watched the whole thing and we also watched val's Day. It was on the same disc.

It was one of those bargain discs. Wait, is Valentine's Day the one where Paris Hilton gets murdered? No, that's House of Wax. She gets killed in another... I think there's another Valentine's Day. The Hottie and the Naughty? No, I think it's just called... Oh, it's Valentine's. Where Paris Hilton gets murdered

Yeah that's the one We watched that But anyway It really It was good It really gets you in the mood To give bites Yeah so it's a lot of like

Oh you get to see many videos Of women giving birth Oh wow Yikes It's very But it's It's funny It's

Not as scary as Every every tv show ever about uh or movie about someone going into labor oh yeah of course there's always a side calamity going on and it's like never like it's not usually an emergency when it happens. It happens over many hours. Yeah. And it- They show you an episode of Murphy Brown. Yeah. And the one thing that I was super surprised about, because it happens in like every complicated pregnancy

on TV, it's like, oh no, the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck. Oh yeah. That always happens. Apparently,

that's natural. The cord is usually wrapped around the baby's neck and that's fine. The baby's wearing it like a scarf? Because the baby can't breathe air at first anyway. They're breathing

liquid? They're attached to the umbilical cord. There's no air in there. There's oxygen. I thought they actually do maybe breathe liquid. That's a thing. Really?

Like, there's a fluid in their... I don't know if it's the word... If the word breathe is right. Yeah, they don't breathe. It's like there's a fluid that's in there, and when they come out, it just, like, it all comes out of there. Yeah, there's... Oh, they're packed with fluid. Wow.

I remember when my niece was born, it's like, there's some weird liquids that come out of babies in that first day. So get ready. You're stoked now. We went over the liquids. But my favorite thing that happened

in all the prenatal classes was there was one guy just by himself. No way. He just came for the videos. Just a jean jacket and jeans. By himself? No way. Yeah, he just came for the videos.

Just a jean jacket and jeans. Get to the part about the delivery. Yeah, the whole thing was taught by a doula. And yeah, this one dude in the class with his wife, he just had this reflex to say, huh, every time the teacher said a fact. And sometimes when the teacher even didn't say a fact. Just like, huh.

So yeah, you know, I can't even remember any of the facts. It's quite common for the cord to be wrapped around the baby's neck like that's how that's what he said when he found out that she was pregnant yeah that's like the informational coffee so like six times a minute jesus he was my favorite guy in the whole thing and my other my other favorite thing that he did was, this thing was in a house and there was a bathroom and the woman explained where the bathroom is and pregnant ladies need to go to the bathroom

all the time. And then this guy had to go to the bathroom and just started opening doors. Didn't know where it was. And a woman, a pregnant woman was already in the bathroom.

Oh no. And so we were just doing the class and then we heard him open the door and i heard her yelling i'm in here and then he's like but like if you see if you see a closed door and you think it's the bathroom you don't just open it right i do you would not like to charge in i don't just open it, right? I do. You would not. I like to charge in. I want to catch whoever it is off guard stealing my pills, looking through my medicine cabinet. You charge pills?

Yeah. Because sometimes you'll go to like, it usually happens at a party where someone is down in the bathroom and they don't know the rules of the house and so they'll just close the bathroom door behind them. Oh, yeah. But that's not a thing that you can do. You can't just live in a house where the bathroom door is closed all the time because it sends the i it sends the impression that someone's in there yeah it's uh you know it raises the uh the stress in the house bad dueling that's what i'm saying that's true

bad doula oh what about that as a billy bob thornton oh sure yeah bad doula now what's a doula Oh what about that Is a Billy Bob Thornton Oh sure yeah Bad doula Now what's a doula I feel like A doula is a female Version of a hustler How

A doula is like A midwife Well Ish Okay Yeah I don't know A wife for when

Your wife's out of town Yeah Gotcha A doula is more Like a midwife Is in the role instead of a doctor delivering the baby there's a midwife and a doula i believe we don't have one but a doula is like the person they explained it to me once the like the person in your family who has seen a million births and is just like always around uh women and just like an expert on childbirth um and they

can just help you and and uh like they're not a midwife no ah they're like a casual midwife they're yeah they're a facilitator a caretaker hmm huh hmm there's a lot of uh it's a lot of openings in the you know in the presidency field I feel maybe I should get into that. I feel like it's something you fall into. Like, he's just like, I've just been around a lot of births. Yeah.

You can't really, you can't just go and watch them. I'm trying to be a medulla here. Not a medulla. Let me be in the room. A medulla is a part of the problem. Well, I don't,

I'm not, because here, midwives are certified and they're certifiable. But like you have to go to a four-year program and, you know, get a degree in midwifery. Yeah, you have to spend an entire month in a birthing pool. Oh, God, the pictures of that are amazing. And then, but I don't think a doula has to do that.

I don't think you need to be certified here. Really? You can just be a doula? I guess so. You can be a doula. I'm a doula. You're a doula. Don't you want to be a doula too?

Be a doula. Are you going to have a doula? No. Ah, just a midwife. Yeah. Or a doctor. Yeah, midwife. Okay.

All right. Yeah. Midwife. Midwifery is what they would call it. Midwifery. It's true. Is it actually what they call it? It is. It's midwifery. What? Yeah, it yeah it's true is it actually it is it's midwifery what yeah yeah i thought you were just being splendid no yeah yeah i thought the word itself is splendid yeah um yeah so uh so yeah i've been i've been you've learned a lot i really have

yeah but like there's so much information and they go through it so quickly that it's like uh email this to me and uh when it comes up in uh during the labor i'll uh i'll search my email yeah make sure to charge your phone exactly i can only ask one question i got no bars no bars i got this app on my phone that's a genie i've got a doula app but it only lets me ask one question at a time oh wow yeah uh it's funny because like is that a thing that you like does the government pay for that or is that a thing you pay you pay for these classes oh we pay for these classes yes huh from for these classes, yes. Huh. From the Childbearing Society.

I want to guess. I want to say. Sounds real cloak and dagger. Yeah. Childbearing Society. And you don't pay for a midwife, but you do pay for a doula. Oh, that's where they get you. Yeah, the doula is like the undercoating. You're probably going to want to doula at this whole thing.

I don't know. Sell me on it. Yeah, well, I don't know. You want to have a smooth pregnancy, you should probably have a doula there. Probably have a doula. That's pretty good. Who's that? Christopher Walken.

Oh, pretty good. He's trying to sell you a doula. Which he's been known to do. Yeah. That's his MO. Oh, wow.. He's trying to sell you a doula. Which he's been known to do. Yeah. That's his MO. Oh, wow. Hoopa doopa. So, now, Graham.

Yep. We haven't recorded in two, three weeks? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I feel like there's so much information to pack into these. I feel like I raced through all my interpreters. Yeah, I just, I went to Toronto, Ontario. Uh-huh.

And they did a fringe show. And everybody at the Toronto Fringe was just lovely. And it was a great fringe. Mm-hmm. And it's very hot there in Toronto. How hot was it? Oh, you know, one time it was just real sweaty. Okay.

Just real sweaty. And, you know, that's it was just real sweaty. Okay. Just real sweaty. And, you know, that's all I was doing the whole time I was gone. I went and did that. And, you know, that's all I did was doing the Fringe show. So it wasn't like a lot of stuff. Were there good crowds? Good crowds. Good crowds.

Good venue. Air conditioned. Oh, you love it. That's all you wanted to do was the show. You could just say, like, great. Want to come to the air conditioned show? Sure. And I stayed at an Airbnb.

Air conditioned B&B. No. No. The place I stayed at was not air conditioned. Have you ever stayed at Airbnb? No. No. Airbnb?

It's not a bad idea in principle. No. No. Airbnb? It's not a bad idea in principle. Mm-hmm. But the guy that I booked with, you're supposed to, 24 hours before you go do a thing, you're supposed to get in touch with the person. Mm-hmm. And he was unreachable.

So until I was taking off from the airport, that's when he called and was like, hey, I've been away camping. From the airport. That's when he called and was like, hey, I've been away camping. I was like, not an excuse for you're trying to run a side business of renting out your place. Yeah. And he said, yeah, okay, well, the key will be under the mat, hopefully, he said. I'm like, well, oh, brother. Anyways.

I've never been to the place myself it was it was like the place itself was decorated like he had found stuff on curbs everywhere like nothing kind of matched anything else in the place just fire hydrants mattresses and fire street signs grass yeah a dog yeah hubcaps murdered gangsters Street signs Trees Grass Yeah A dog Yeah hubcaps Murdered gangsters So that was like a debacle But then it worked out fine And the place was fine It was close to the venue that I was in

And the fringe tent where everybody hung out Was in the alley of a place called Honest Ed's. Have you ever been to Honest Ed's? I've been past it. It's the craziest place in Canada. I've never been inside it, but it's got like a very famous sign. Yeah. And it was originally owned by a guy named Ed Mirvish, who was like also owned a theater.

So the store is covered in like memorabilia. It's got all these like signed headshots. Stuff you'd find on a curb. Yeah. Signed headshots from Weird Al. Yeah. Well, there's a picture I took of him and Mr. T from like the 80s. He's like an old man in it.

And there's a picture of him and Mr. T. And he has letters from every prime minister for since when he was alive saying like congratulations on your business or whatever which i don't know how you get a letter from the prime minister congratulating you on your business but he had them they're and they're just in the store they're just posted everywhere in the store it's the craziest place in canada and what does this place do yeah what did they i that's the thing i don't know it's like did they sell they sell honesty okay they sell like just it's like a huge huge like five story dollar store oh like the captain kind of like but the captain sold junk yeah yeah and used stuff this is this is a dollar this is like a dollar store walmart This is like a dollar store Walmart.

Kind of like a dollar store Walmart. Yeah. It's just like everything. If you needed towels and stuff to go to the beach. Towels and stuff to go to the beach? Yeah. Like house towels and then also beach towels. So it's a beach store.

It's getting more and more specific. They sell towels. They sell a pail. They sell a bucket. they sell a pail they sell a bucket they sell a pail they got a few sunscreens at the counter yeah you're like

oh yeah I forgot I needed that a cooler on a sandwich to put in it and it's called the captains and now it makes sense

yeah yeah now the captain for people who don't know is he was like a local Vancouver character yup and he's like a local Vancouver character. Yep. And he's-

Owned a secondhand store that sold like electronics, mostly. Yeah. And he drove around in a car that was shaped like a boat. Yeah. Or it had a sail on it. Because it had a big sail on it that was just like not safe. It's just like welded to the top of his- He had these low budget commercials.

Yeah. And he'd be like, aye-aye and goodbye. Aye-aye and goodbye was his catchphrase. And then eventually the commercials got very Christian. Yeah, he lost a bunch of weight. And he attributed it to his faith in Jesus. And then it was... And then he went out of business.

Yeah, and then he did go out of business. Which he also attributed to Jesus. My new business partner, Jesus. Oh, boy. This whole camel threw the eye of a needle. Is the captain still alive? I guess he is. I never saw him.

I didn't see a state funeral. I remember when he was still really big and like a large man. And big, popular ones. Yeah, yeah. Because they used to have this thing called like the toughest contest ever on the Fox. It was like the radio station here and it was like this contest where you had to do all these weird things and one of them was

you had to share a pair of underwear with the captain for a full week. Gross. Wait. Bum to bum. What does that mean? What do you mean 24 hours a day? I don't know if it was a full week but it was definitely a large, a long amount of time. He was paid out for it.

The captain was like, I get to have 10 grand to do this. Isn't that great? You and the captain were in the same, you got in the same underwear at the same time? It was like underwear built for two. Could you wear underwear underneath your underwear? No, you had to be cheek to cheek. This is so weird.

And some guy did it to win money, and I don't know if he made it. Yeah, he died. There was another guy who died in that contest. What? Yeah, I'm serious. What are you talking about? Really? Well, okay, this is stuff I haven't researched on my own.

You had to stop a bullet with your face. Shot by Vera From Vera's Burgers Some guy over drank water He had to drink a gallon of water Every 30 minutes And he died of hydration He drowned in his own body

It's worth googling Wasn't that That was a woman who was trying to win like a PlayStation for her son that died of the hydration. Yeah. Is that what it is? I've heard of that before.

I don't think it was here. Yeah. I thought it was for the toughest... Larry and Willie's toughest contest ever on the Fox in 1999. Oh, wow. I know that.

I know that... You had to share underwear with the cat. That doesn't make any... Someone in my... There's... Yeah, doesn't make any sense. Someone in my... Yeah, there's a video of it. Someone in my high school, I believe... Facial shots.

...wanted to win tickets to Pearl Jam from that radio station. After high school was over, I believe, and they went to the station naked, and they told them their name, and they said, My name's Dave Shumka. I never found out who it was, but I'm pretty sure I know. Yeah, you're still banned from the radio station to this day. It's fine with me.

Wow. Yeah, so anyways, I went to that place. The place that's not the captain's. But was the Toronto's captain equivalent? What was your Toronto highlight? You know, doing the shows was the it. I went. I was looking for tickets for the show.

Not that I was going to go. I was in a different city. That's true. And there were matinees. Yeah, I did some matinees. And like midweek matinees. Yeah, I did a matinee. How were those?

They were still fine because the theater, as soon as you're in the theater, it's all dark. And the audiences aren't necessarily as loose at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. People show up on a Thursday at 1? Yeah. People showed up. Like that's the thing. So I remember when you were developing the idea for the show. And what was the show in the end?

The show was stand-up and also, like, the Laugh Gallery gave away prizes. Okay. And there was some stuff that wasn't necessarily comedy that was serious-y stuff. Cool. Yeah, monologues and stuff. I've never heard anything serious from you. Yeah, I know. I know.

I did it. I did it at this show and then yeah uh the one here's well this was a weird thing that it's a completely unshow related my parents came to town on the weekend because they had like the weekend off and they decided to come to toronto and see the show and they were staying in that hotel that's by the sky dome that i think you oh yeah in the sky in the sky dome and so like there's a restaurant you can just sit in and like watch whatever thing is on uh which was a toronto argonauts game and there were so few people in the in attendance for the the non-canadian listener

that is the canadian football team yeah formerly owned by john candy and uh wayne gretzky yeah and it man there was like nobody in the crowd but then they also had it on the tv in the bar and the way they shot it you would think that it was uh it was sold out but they they block out the front seats around all the stadiums so that you know this is there's not just five guys sitting there. And anyways, that was my big reveal, was the magic of television. Which you already know, working on UK on Gold. Fush shopping in a bunch of just bystanders at a mine. Yeah!

Sluice that dirt. Oh, is that a term? Oh, yeah. Sluice that glory hole. Sluice, yeah, to slu that a term? Oh, yeah. Sluice that glory hole. Sluice. Yeah, to sluice. What is to sluice?

That's just like the process of like you put, you know, dirt in. It goes through. Yeah, it's like a big slide. It's like a, what do you call it when you're making pasta? Colander? Yeah. That is? Sort of. Yeah, because gold is really heavy.

What is sleuthing? What am I thinking of? Sleuthing? Oh, yeah. What is sleuthing? It's like when you're a gumshoe. That's what I'm thinking of, yeah, because gold's really heavy. What is sleuthing? What am I thinking of? Sleuthing? Oh, yeah, what is sleuthing? It's like when you're a gumshoe. That's what I'm thinking of, sleuthing. All right, gumshoes. You've already got to say gumshoes like that.

Gumshoes. Carmen Sandiego? Yeah, that's how I know that. Oh, Warren. I only... Ooh, the chase. I don't remember much about that show. I remember the song, and that's it.

I don't remember how it went or what the show was. I just remember how rarely any kid actually won the game. Oh, yeah, that last round. Did they have to jump on a continent? No, they were jumping. You were given a siren on a stick, and they're like, Now the, oh, no. Find madrid yeah the they've gone to uh would they even yeah would it be um that they told you where to go or would they give you a clue and

you're like the the country you go to is uh three miles wide and i think you just had to they would just say like crete and you had to just know where crerete was. And I remember watching it. Pass. And it was just always. Canada pass. It was like a one minute countdown and they had like 30 sirens to put on. And only once did I ever see a girl win it. And they were just like, hey, you won an entire encyclopedia of Britannica set.

Oh no. That is, was that what they won? Yeah, it's like winning Wikipedia. Yeah, it's like winning something really heavy that's going to be obsolete in eight years. That isn't really what they won, was it? Yes, it's like winning Wikipedia. Yeah, it's like winning something really heavy that's going to be obsolete in eight years. That isn't really what they won, was it? It was on PBS. The show.

I don't remember. I just remember. You remember Rockapella. And I remember the chief. She had a big gap in her teeth. I remember that. Yeah, she was also, what else was she in? She was like only in like. Law and order maybe? Yeah. in she was like only in the law and order maybe

yeah maybe she's probably in a law and order yeah she was good she's my favorite she was my celebrity crush yeah she wrote her a fan letter i'll be your gumshoe yeah please be my gumshoe this valentine's day is there an Adam Bateman in the classroom? I've got a letter from the chief. This 38-year-old woman and this 7-year-old kid. It was a romance nobody thought was possible. Real Harold and Maude. Yeah, let me put a rotating siren on your heart.

Where's my heart? Put it on her kidneys. I'm only in grade 2 I don't know where hearts are I'm not sure I know where hearts are now like I've my whole life I've been told that they're

on your left side yeah I think they might be in your middle it's mostly in your middle but it lofts over into the left oh well sure

after a big meal yeah after a big heartbreak gotta make room. Do you guys want to move on to overheards? If we have to. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the Risk Podcast, a proud member of the Maximum Fun family.

If you've never heard Risk before, you've got to check it out. Risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share in public, stuff you could never hear on NPR. This is where writers, comedians, and people of all walks of life drop the act and get as raw and real as it gets. You know you love stories. Why not check out the show where you'll hear the most unforgettable ones you've ever heard. Check out Risk today. We are free on iTunes, of course, and we're at MaximumFun.org

or at Risk-Show.com. Risk! I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the new host of International Waters, the transatlantic comedy show where land laws do not apply. I am here with one of our writers, Sarah Morgan, from the UK.

Hello, Sarah. Hi, Dave. How you doing? I didn't understand a word you just said. Could you explain International Waters and how it works? It's a transatlantic panel game. We have teams based in the UK and in LA and basically people try to be funnier

more than they try to know things. I caught about half of that. Find International Waters on MaximumFun.org. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on International Waters. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard, but not yet.

No, but not yet, because we were, during the break, we really did some Carmen Sandiego investigation. Yeah, we watched one video of a kid in the bonus round, and you don't win encyclopedias. You win a trip anywhere you write down. Yeah, yeah. And you don't win encyclopedias. You win a trip anywhere you write down. Yeah. They give you a piece of paper to write down where you would like to go on a trip if you win the bonus round. And they sing a song while you do it. Trip. Yeah. Trip.

You want to go on your trip. Vacation for you if you win. Rockabella. Rockabella just recorded and not in studio. Yeah. Not getting royalties for that episode. The kid won in the clip that we saw. What are the odds?

But he did a really hard one. Yeah, he had Africa. I had to name seven places in Africa of countries that mostly don't exist anymore. No, he didn't have to name seven places. He had to find them on a map. He had to find them, which is worse. to name seven places. He had to find them on a map. He had to find them, which is worse. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you name seven places in Africa? Well, I can. You've been. Yeah. Right,

yeah, you ate that goat. That's right, garbage goat. Episode 183. I don't know, maybe. Maybe.

That's possible. Yeah, look at our catalog and write your congressman. Adam also tried to find a picture of two people wearing the same underwear. I tried to find the captain wearing the same underwear. There's no way they took a photo of that. And there's no way they took a digital photo of that.

The results were so random. This was in the 90s. Yeah. But it was like, because it was on, I remember there was like some news thing about the contest being so hard. Like there's no record of any local radio from the 90s on the internet. Wait, but that's not one of those things they catalog for like severe importance. Oh, yeah. Well, no.

We sent it out to space. Yeah. It's on a gold record. A picture of the captain Wearing the same I want that lasered On to the surface of the moon Anyway

We watched this kid Win Get seven countries In 45 seconds On a map The only country I could name in Africa Is the most obvious one Madagascar

Burkina Faso And on a map. The only country I could name in Africa is the most obvious one. Madagascar. Burkina Faso. Um, and, uh, then they opened up the clipboard where he had written what, where he could choose to go anywhere in the world. Yeah.

And it was Arizona. And you were saying it's probably like Lives in New Mexico Yeah Oh man I've just heard so much About Arizona Yeah Oh I like their iced tea Like yeah you heard

That there's flight deals Because no one goes there Yeah You just see it on A flight center poster His parents probably Still bring it up to this day Every Christmas

Remember when we went To Arizona In August Because you're so dumb In August You're just putting that on them yeah oh man so okay but now it's time yeah now it's time for the real deal with overheard mcneil uh we always like to start with the guest oh and uh you know you know how this rigmarole goes i know this drill yeah you go ahead uh yeah mine is actually from yesterday.

All your troubles seem so far away. Usually with their overheards, I'm like, oh, God, I can't remember any. But, like, yeah, yesterday I had some time to kill while I was downtown. And so I was like, and it's Tuesday, matinee time. I was like, oh, it's cheapo Tuesday. Does that still exist? Yeah. And if you have a scene card, you can get it for, it's like $6. especially. Does that still exist? Yeah. It's like, if you have a scene card,

you can get it for, it's like 675 to see a movie. Wow. It's pretty good. You got a scene card? Hey man, everyone who's anybody's got a scene card. Is that a separate card from your credit card or is it part of your credit card?

There's a, there's a scene credit card you can get that works as a credit card and then you gain points and you see movies. Is that what you have? I just have a card that every time I see a movie I get points for it and every 10 movies I get a free movie.

Wow. And I also get discounts on Popcorn. That's good because I need more cards in my wallet. Yeah, that is exactly the reason I don't

like the card. Can it be used as ID to get on a flight? So, this overheard is not about scene cards. Okay. But.

Wait, are you a member of that? Is that the place? Is a scene card, is it part of the Scotiabank movie thing? It is part of the Scotiabank movie theater. And when you go to a movie, they do like trivia beforehand and if you have the app, you can win a prize? Yeah. Is that part of it?

I don't think that's to do with the scene card. The card actually works at most theaters okay canada i think yeah but uh good luck taking that to arizona is that what the name of the places those theaters i think so yeah yeah okay it's uh all of the movie theaters in the states have their share a name with something amc theaters share it with the tv station lowes shares it with the uh the hardware store yeah weird and uh slurpee theaters with the beverage yeah and we've just got scotia bank that's not named after anything else uh so you're in a movie yeah and the only reason i mentioned the scene card and the fact that it was cheap is because i saw the movie tammy and i it's supposed to be really bad melissa mccarthy yeah it's a mr mccarthy movie and i was like and i i like to see movies even if i know they're supposed to be bad so that i can watch

them and figure out what went wrong with it because i find that interesting i'm just like okay i just did this didn't work and this didn't work until you're like oh the movie exists therefore and uh so i was like okay but everybody had brought their kids into this theater. And there was just like, I want to see Tammy. Oh, my God. And this movie is like, it's 14A, but it was not really. There was references. We were just like, these kids are learning fast.

Oh, okay. All right. But I was the only person, first of all, alone in the theater. Let alone all these other moms with these kids around them. And they would be just asking her really dumb stuff. And the one thing I overheard

is a couple things. First thing is she goes to prison in one scene. Spoiler! And they count out her money and they're like, alright, you've got $43.23 and we're going to put that away for your water in prison.

And then just some kid being like, is that a lot? And the mom being like, not really. Well, no, but no, not really. Yeah.

In today's dollars. Yeah. But for her character, it is kind of a lot. And then there was this reference to, I guess, Melissa McCarthy's mom, who's played by Susan Sarandon. She slept with some famous rock and roller. And Melissa McCarthy's character says something about getting fingered by some other person. Well, now I don't have to see it.

Yeah. Yeah. That was the, I didn't know the references that were making, but all the, all the kid said like at that point she was like, like, uh, well I got fingered in the back of a blah, blah, blah. And then this kid just goes like, they gave her the finger. Like, like, oh God. I love kids.

Yeah. Do you ever remember seeing movies that you were too young for and like, oh yeah, so many. Yeah,

I think, you know, like a movie, like it doesn't seem like it, but I saw like Vacation when I was like a little kid and there's like boobs in it

and stuff. Yeah, there's some swearing in it. Yeah, and there's also like a whole subplot where he's fantasizing about cheating on his wife that just like went way over my head. Yeah. Until I saw it way later on and then I was like, oh, that's what that whole thing was.

Yeah, Christmas vacation when he looks outside and it's like summer and then he gets up in the pool. I remember Biloxi Blues. He's talking about Matthew Broderick. Yeah, yeah. A young, an older Ferris Bueller. And so I believe I turned to my sister because at one point they were like, in the movie, someone was asked if they were a homosexual. I believe that's what it was.

Yeah. And I said, what's a homosexual? And she said, gay. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay, cool. Yeah. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, enjoyment of movie? Continuous. I remember watching True Lies in grade, like, three or four.

Oh, you're so young. Yeah, right? And, yeah, there's that part where she does a sexy dance. I haven't seen it. Really? I haven't, but I know she does a sexy dance. Yeah, she does a sexy dance in it. And as soon as that's happening, my dad decided to, like, stand in front of the TV.

And do a sexy dance? Well, that was the thing. Like, there's just sexy dance music happening, and I know what's going on. But it's just all I can see is him, and he's got this weird grin, and he's smiling at my family. He's like, you can't see this part. I'm like, this is worse. Yeah. Maybe.

This is much worse. It's weird. Now every time I hear sexy music, I'm like, this is worse. Yeah, this is much worse. It's weird. Now every time I hear sexy music, I'm going to think of you. I'm going to see like a backlit version of you with your arms crossed

with a weird grin on your face. I remember seeing movies that were like, that had like sex scenes maybe when I was 10 or maybe younger in the theater,

but they weren't like sexy movies so you wouldn't expect them. Like, I remember Like a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie no i remember we saw hear no evil see no evil with uh richard pryor and gene wilder yeah uh it wasn't a sex scene but it was a woman in the shower and you saw her boobies oh wow and uh my dad did a like a jokey uh covering my eyes thing. And I remember this Jeff Goldblum movie called The Tall Guy. Oh, yeah, I remember The Tall Guy.

Why would anyone see that in a theater? Well, if you're going to cast anybody in that. You saw it in the theater? Yeah. The Tall Guy. Why? And there was a sex scene, and I remember they were pounding on a piano.

Right. They were having sex on the piano. It was making piano noises. And my mother was next to me, and she was flustered. Said, don't ever do that on our piano at home. I can't stop my piano. Don't ever be tall. But I remember watching a movie, like Desperado.

And then all of a sudden, there's this super long sex scene. And it's me and three of my buddies just having to sit like this super long sex scene and it's like me and three of my like buddies just like having to sit through like a crazy long sex scene together and you're trying not to move because you don't want to exactly you cross your leg you're like this isn't the greatest thing in your life but it's like i think roman daniel has a joke about that where he's like you don't want to move too much because you want to be you don't want to look like you're going oh yeah like it oh yeah and you also don't want to be like oh good yeah yeah but you also don't want to look like you're going, ooh, yeah, like it, ooh, yeah. And you also don't want to be like, ooh, good, ooh. Yeah, yeah. But you also didn't want to make it look like you were having an erection

or hiding that you were having an erection. I see sex scenes like this all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch these all the time. I'm cool. There are, you know, women like Salma Hayek are a dime a dozen. I saw Tales from the Crypt movie in theaters when I was like grade four. And my mom was like, hey, you guys want to go see a movie?

It was like me and my friend Aaron growing up. How many Tales from the Crypt movies were there? A lot. Maybe in Dawson City. Because they had Tales from the Crypt. They just showed the episodes from the TV. They had a cartoon show. They had a movie and they would just show someone put a VHS tape on the Tales from the Crypt episode.

I didn't know that the movies were so different. The cartoon show was for kids. It was just the crypt keeper of like, hello, boils and ghouls. That guy, right? I was like, oh, it's going to be him. Oh, that was the time he did the pun. Yeah, that one time. And I was like, oh, I like the cartoon show.

They've got a movie. It's live action. This will be great. Man, we're going to like Bordello of Flood. I remember seeing it. And then that like black cat that says restricted came out. And I think my mom was just, like, she was just, like, sighed. She's like, oh, no.

Like, here we go. And then it was just so many, like, gratuitous, just, like, topless women in, like, a biker bar being like, yeah. And just, like, and it was amazing. Yeah. It was a real awakening for you and your was a real awakening yeah it really was your friend aaron yeah yeah because i remember she at the end of the movie we're like driving home she's like so what part of the movie did you guys like and i was like oh i liked the scary parts i like the part where my body reacted involuntarily yeah aaron's like i liked the party babes that's what

that's how we said it and she was just just like, don't say that to my mom. Don't hang out with Aaron anymore. We're moving from Dawson City. We did move to Dawson City. Dave, do you have an overheard? Here's what's up. I haven't seen you in three weeks. I know.

I should have more overheards. I have one. I've been mostly watching Biloxi Blues. I'm trying to figure out what they call them was it a homosexual um uh here's what's up uh i went to lunch one day at this place that serves shawarma oh or uh donair well depending where you're from. Or gyros. Yeah, absolutely. Some sort of meat in a pita. Some kebab. Yeah, a Middle Eastern, a Lebanese food place.

And just a fast food place where you go, you order your thing, and then you go and you ask for toppings. And I was in line behind six people. It was three middle-aged women and their husbands. And the husbands, all of them just were like you decide you yeah um and these were women that weren't from canada but it's not important where they were from right there were women of a certain age okay but they were pretty unfamiliar with how this works okay with uh how how the restaurant works. And they were suspicious of everything

that they were putting on every pita. And, like, and they were, the three women were just in sync. They weren't the band in sync.

But, like, when the guy reached with the tongs to the pickled beets, all three of them were like, what is that? Like,

screaming at the guy. And then, so so he he finally uh he finally finishes putting on like uh whatever cucumber and um lettuce and tomato and everything on on these six pitas and uh then he picks up the tahini sauce and it's and it's a bottle with this white stuff inside, tahini. And all three of the women at the same time just yell at him, not even like they're questioning it. They're sure of it. They're angry at him. No mayonnaise! No mayonnaise!

You know how Lebanese food is always doused in mayonnaise? Because Holland took over that country. The vichy touch. The mayonnaise. Oh, wow. That's because they've been burned by sub. Oh, man. Absolutely.

Yeah. You have to be very militant with them about how much mayonnaise or mustard. Well, and they can take it. Only the best of the best graduate to the rank of artistry. Oh, man. They'll never live down that they called them artists. And it was in one ad campaign once, and now everyone makes fun of them for being artists. Like, that was a cool job before that.

And then it was just like, oh, that was pretentious. It was a very, very cool job. Oh, yeah. Submanufacturer was what you were called before. If you had a friend in high school who worked at Subway, you got free meatballs. Just steal me some meatballs, Corey. I don't have any friends in high school who worked. There was when the Subway opened up near our junior high.

Oh, man. That was like the biggest day. Holy shit. Did you have a hangout at your school? Yeah, it's the 7-Eleven parking lot. Oh, that's, yeah, That was like the biggest day. Holy shit. Did you have a hangout at your school? Yeah, it's the 7-Eleven parking lot. Oh, that's, yeah, that was ours too. Yeah. I think it's a pretty universal.

Did you call it Ace for Teens? Did you call it the Sev? Sev. Let's go to Sev. Yeah. We had both in junior high, and then there was another one in high school. Who do you think was the first? And you called it the Vin Eleven.

Who was the first group of high schoolers to come up with Sev? Oh, I don't know, but they were trailblazers. We owe a lot to them. It's 1978. It was 19-Sev. The whole decade was 19-Sev. Great, I'm overheard. Go.

My overheard is courtesy of... Here's one thing that's different. Sorry, I've got some paper. I'm overheard. Go. My overheard is courtesy of... Here's one thing that's different. Sorry, I've got some paper. I'm going to tear up. Pretty good. Pretty good foley. Very audible. Sounds like I'm doing it, not with my mouth.

In Toronto, on a lot of the busy streets, people are not afraid to walk right behind you and have conversations all the long day. Right up your butt. Yeah, right up your butt. Well, at one point, I had to stop, and I said out loud, I was like, we got to let these people pass. They were walking right up my asshole. And they heard me and gave me such a look, and I was like, but you were. You were literally nearly touching my butt. You were walking so close and having this loud conversation anyway so i've got a lot

of overheards courtesy of that what style of walking um and uh one of them was that they were trying to figure out there was a group of four people they were all trying to figure out what their friends uh whose name was Doug's, nickname was. And they were like, oh, what's Doug's nickname? What's Doug's nickname? And one of them was on their phone, and that was the person who knew. And so it was like they were trying to figure it out. Oh, it's something.

I can't remember. It starts with a B or something like that. And then the guy got off the phone. They were like, what's Doug's nickname? And he said, Skeeter. Yeah. Pretty great.ougie yeah yeah yeah uh big doug so-and-so uh doug life no doug life is so good it is all right um doug seems like a real Skeeter. Skeeter.

That's a great nickname. Yeah, for a mosquito. Yeah, but also for somebody who was like in Vietnam. You know? Who's like a Muppet who's just really with a clipboard. Scooter. Oh, sorry. I actually thought it was Skeeter.

Wait, there was Scooter and Skeeter. Wait, who was Skeeter? Oh, Skeeter was from Muppet Babies. The lady girl. Lady Scooter. Did she. Wait, who was Skeeter? Oh, Skeeter was from Muppet Babies. The lady girl. Lady Scooter. Did she not exist outside of the baby Muppets? Yeah, there was no Skeeter on Muppet Show. Skeeter on.

Skeeter on. Now Skeeter on, guys. Skeeter done. Skeeter on with Uncle Wee. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us by listeners via email. If you want to do the same, you can send them in to spy at maximumfun.org. Do you think SPY will ever be nominated for an ESPY award? Yeah, I'm hoping.

Okay. Just by name alone. This first one comes from Bobby C. in California. Bobby a boy? Bobby a boy, yes. Okay. But not a man. Not yet a man.

But not... Not a boy. Not yet a man. Not yet a man. Yeah. I teach at a high school, and a colleague overheard two... There's two 15-year-old boys speaking outside her classroom. The boy one, circumcision? circumcision boy two yeah that's where

they cut off some of your penis boy one doesn't that like make you a girl boy one yeah it's basically a sex change 15 year olds yeah pretty much with the internet at their disposal uh yeah i think it's a good sign that you that just because we have all this information at our fingertips, we're not going to look it up. It doesn't mean that we have to use it. Kids can still have crazy misconceptions about their genitals. They can still think that girls have circumcised penises. Girls are just boys who are circumcised. Yeah.

Boys who are circumcised. This next one comes from Mitchell R. In Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Oh, that's where that is. This is, I coach two youth soccer teams. Two youths? Two youths. Oh, man,

when are they going to remake that movie? Why don't you just watch it now? No, I need modern actors. I want Just reboot it, man. Yeah,

I want Ralph Macchio to play my cousin Vizzy this time. My dizzy cousin Vizzy. My dizzy cousin virginity. I coached two youth soccer teams

and the other day at practice, one of the eight-year-old boys set his ball down, backed up away from the ball. Do you remember doing this? Like going for like a super kick to get a running start. But before he started his kick, he raised one hand and one finger in the air and shouted, we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal

and then proceeded to kick the ball as hard as he could. That kid is amazing. That is great because it was probably during the World Cup and around the 4th of July. Oh man, so great. You gotta have that kid on the next show. We're not gonna get

no kids. We're gonna try. That's pretty great. This kid's probably gonna be hard to track him kids. We're going to try. This kid sounds pretty great. This kid's probably going to be hard to track him down, but you got to like email. He's probably got an agent at this point. Yeah. If he's that great,

he's probably got an agent. Do you remember that little kid who was in like role models and he was Tracy Jordan's son on 30 Rock? Oh yeah, the real, the kid that was like

funny for swearing. Like yeah, would swear. What happened to that kid? I don't know. It's not as funny when an adult does it. It's not. When a teenager swears, it's not funny.

But he went from being like, oh, this guy's in every fourth movie to being in no movies. Was he the little kid that was in Aziz Ansari sketches about having a child agency? Maybe. Yeah, this kid was really good at swearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was just and it's such a delight

and he played their boss I think he's probably doing fine living off the road yeah he's he's on Broadway that's usually the answer

yeah like where'd they go they're on Broadway oh man he's Annie can you imagine he's playing Annie being on Broadway

can you imagine oh wow I try to. This last one comes from... I'm trying to use my imagination. You would have written Broadway if you had won Carpenter San Diego. The Great White Way. Yeah, I would have, on Carpenter San Diego,

I would have written all the details of the trip. I would have been like, New York. Four-star hotel, please. I get to fly in first class. My parents fly in coach. One night in Philly because I want to check out some of the signs. Yeah. And then moving up. Brewpub in Brooklyn.

Here's what I want to see. Cats. Les Mis. This was in the early 90s. Miss Sun Gone. Maybe a stomp was just making the rounds. Oh, yeah. Bring in the noise. Bring in the early 90s maybe a stomp was just making the round oh yeah bring into noise bring into funk oh yeah is that still a thing i don't know if it's still a thing but it was a very much thing yeah it was a big thing uh this last one comes from aaron g um i was recently out to dinner with my wife in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle.

I don't know what that means. It's the, like the Scandinavian neighborhood. Oh, really? If Almost Live has taught me anything. They have a lot of Norwegian things. Sure. We were seated in a booth near the entrance of the restaurant, and I was on the side facing the door, so I had a good view of everyone that came in.

This being Ballard, it wasn't long before a group of 20-something hipsters. Oh, it's a hipster neighborhood. Ah, there you go. Immediately, I could tell that one of the girls in the group was the center of attention as she was talking the loudest and generally acting like a know-it-all. As they approached our table, I heard her announce

to her group, completely unironically, just wait, the graphic design on this menu is going to blow your mind. Yeah, right? It's like a Portlandia written thing almost. The graphic design on this menu. Oh, yeah. You should try the slider. I'm just here for the graphic design.

Yeah, yeah. I like that they put it in a duotang. Yeah. Yeah, you're going to love it. Is that aerial font? Yeah. Fun signs on the wall. Oh, yeah.

They put ice cubes in the urinals. Would you, if you went to a restaurant I love that. And it's, why? Putting ice cubes in your,

oh, because you get to melt them with your breath. Yeah. I guess it makes sense. Killing laser, yeah, laser killing igloos. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. Laser killing igloos. Don't worry about it. Don't worry.

Laser killing igloos. You know how you can kill an igloo? Mm-hmm. How would you do that? With a laser? P. Like a P laser. Yeah.

Oh, man. You kids from Dawson City. Oh, man. The things we could melt. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. It would have been an all, yeah, an all-you-can-melt buffet. Just drinking so many, waking up, drinking lemonade until you could barely hold it in,

then going out and melting whatever you wanted. Yeah. Honestly, I, you know, like four square, like, this is kind of unrelated. No, I'm not, I'm saying it out loud. We're like, you know, you'd like make a chalk, like the squares. Yeah. Some kid had the brilliant idea of like, cause it was all just like packed down snow that never melted for like the eight months of of this clear yeah he just put he just poured juice in the square and it stayed there all year ah not bad you could just use p

what was that kid's name uh i don't remember look him up now he's probably an architect he's probably a city planner oh or in prison city it's a heritage town he can't change anything okay yeah you can't right you can't just have a condo at the end of the old timey street yeah with the saloon and the the old timey whorehouse and then all of a sudden there's just a condo development i don't think they call it the old timey whorehouse in addition to overheards that are written in real, so except your phone calls. If there's one thing I will not abide on this podcast, it is city planning. If you would like to send in your phone call, you don't send it in really, you call it in.

Yeah. You dial these numbers, 206-339-8328. In that order, I cannot stress this enough uh and uh we play them every week on the show here's our phone call hey david graham this is josh from missouri um last episode you guys were talking about jay leno which a little bit which reminded me of an overheard i was talking to this this old, and he was talking about Jimmy Fallon and how, like, I don't know why they got rid of Jay Leno. Man, I don't know why they ever got rid of him for this show

because this guy's terrible. But Jay Leno, he may have been old and had some outdated jokes, but he brought a little class to this show, you know what I mean? I was just like, uh-huh. No, I don't know what you mean. But then he was saying, he was talking about the monologues. He was like, man, they really bomb on those monologues. But I guess that's okay, though.

I guess it's pretty hard to stand up there, you know, every night and kind of do that monologue in front of 10,000 people or however many people are in the audience. Zach is really funny. He thinks there's 10,000 people in the studio audience for Jimmy Fallon. Does he think that it's the studio audience that's 10,000 or the total broadcast audience?

Even the studio audience is probably only like 100. Yeah, it's like one or 200. Stand up there in front of America, all 10,000 of us. He's got like a David Suzuki idea of like how many people should be in America. And he thinks it's fact. What is that? David Suzuki thinks that it's like you're only supposed to have, like there's only supposed to be 250 million people on the planet for it to be sustainable. Oh, we're fucked.

Oh, yeah. That's just over the population of the states. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's way low. Yeah. He's way low. 10,000 is amazing.

Yeah. United States of America, 10,000. And I like that it's also just like, you know what? Come to think of it. Yeah, these new hoes are pretty good. There were 10,000. And I like, it was also just like, you know what? Come to think of it. Yeah. These new hoes are pretty good. If there were 10,000 people in America, there would be like a hundred people in Canada. Yes, that's right.

That's what I'll start on. No, no. There would be a thousand people in Canada. A thousand people in Canada just over the whole country. Oh, but entertainment would be so bad. Oh my God. Well, yeah. What, in Canadaada it already is

it'd be easier to get on the beeline though hey oh hey uh there wouldn't be so much sprawl you wouldn't need to take a bus anywhere yeah you just kayak from place to place yeah um here's your next phone call mr. Clark, Mr. Shumka And tedious guests Hey I've been catching up on some old episodes And realized that I had Completely forgotten for two or three weeks

Now to tell you guys about A fun little overheard that I had On Father's Day weekend My girlfriend and I were off at a restaurant And there was a big cadre Family thing going on a couple tables away. Obviously, it was like dad and grandpa and tons and tons of kids and grandkids. And at some point, we're not sure how, but the check managed to make its way around the table

until it ended up in the hands of like this little maybe seven-year-old kid. And I guess granddad was going to pick up the tab, which doesn't make sense to me on Father's Day, but anyway. And so the little kid suddenly just belts out to the table. Hey, Grandpa, welcome to your nightmare. $178 plus tax. I like, hey,

Grandpa, welcome to your house. Between that kid and the kid doing the kickoff, like, it's been a big week for kids.

Yeah, man, they're getting smarter. Watch out. Oh, yeah. The true rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Kids getting smarter. Kids are our apes. Yeah. Baby geniuses three. Children are the future. Also, apes are our apes yeah baby geniuses three children are the future also apes are our children yeah

well he said and tedious guest yeah what a what a guy I mean that was pretty spot on oh

ouch how bad ew another story about tales from the crypt here we go. I kid, Adam. We love you.

Yeah. Welcome aboard. I feel loved. Here's your final overheard of 2014. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Rachel from Oregon. I'm calling with an overshining. I work in a grocery store and here is the combination

of groceries that I sold to a gentleman this morning. Average looking gentleman, normal, was buying champagne and orange juice. He was buying some grapes and some chocolate hearts.

He was buying a can of whipped cream, Ready Whip, a box of condoms, and a cucumber. So, I held it together until he was gone and then immediately told all of my co-workers. He's starting his own day spa.

In the morning! He bought these before noon. Also, you can buy champagne at the grocery store. Pretty cool. It is really cool that you can buy booze at the grocery store pretty cool it is really cool that you can buy booze at the grocery store yeah

in America in America I know and soon to be here apparently but it's gonna be like the porn section of a

video store where it's like a separate room you have to go through a weird beaded curtain but you're not gonna have to go

to the porn section of a video store but you'll have to go through a beaded curtain but but what if what if it was go to the porn section of a video so you'll have to go through a beaded curtain. But what if it was through

an actual porn section of a video store? Because there's like one video store in the city now. Yeah, and also it's like well, it's just like how would they be? It wouldn't be cold. It'd just be all you know, room temperature booze. That's most booze you can buy. Just be all, you know, room temperature booze. That's the most booze you can buy.

I know, but you know. You know how porn was like that? If you're going into a porn section. Room temperature porn. Oh, yeah. Oh, what if you went in the porn section? It was a giant fridge. Why is it so cold back here?

You have to keep the boners down until you leave. Yeah. It helps with the cleanup. Do you... until you leave. Yeah. We, it helps with the cleanup. Um, do you, um, I wasn't going to ask. It was either of a porn

or, or refrigeration. Or some sort of cold question. It's gone. It's gone, you guys. Did Mr. Freeze ever starve in porn? The answer is no. Yeah.

Would it have been hilarious? The answer is yes. Yeah, what would his catchphrase have been? Chill your boobs. That's as bad as it gets. Yeah, chill your boobs. Chill your boobs.

Because it works on so many pun levels. Yeah. Chill your boobs. You know the saying, chill your boobs? Well, now it's in reference to Mr. Freeze in a porn. You know that phrase, chill out boobs? Well, now it's in reference to Mr. Freeze in a porn. You know that phrase, chill out boobs? Hey, hey, hey, chill your boobs. I'm getting on the beeline here.

Chill your boobs. Get below zero with your boobs. I'm just trying to think of puns. They're not happening. I like puns that aren't puns or that kind of stuff. Oh, boy. Well, this brings us to the end of the show here. Adam, where can people find you if they want to find you online?

What do you got to plug? Not too much to plug. There's adapayment.com where I don't ever update it. But I'm hoping to change that because we're going to change it to a WordPress format where I can. Fun. Okay, cool. Yeah, if you go on that website, it's a bunch of shows I did two years ago. But yeah, Twitter is at Adam Pateman.

And yeah, I'll be at the Comedy Mix this month, so you can check me out there. Cool. Yeah. Thanks for being our guest, man. Thanks for having me, guys. It was a blast. We're here in a real hot summertime room and it's considered a blessing that you show up.

Yeah. You guys are blessings. We got a fan here. I don't think we've ever put a fan in here. No, it feels good. It feels great. Yeah. And it's got an up-down.

Yeah, it's got a left and right and an up-down. I turned off the up-down. It gives you a no and it gives you a yes. Yeah. And it's got an up-down. Yeah, it's got a left and right and an up-down. I turned off the up-down. It gives you a no and it gives you a yes. Yeah. It also has yes setting. Graham. Yep. Here's what we need to plug.

The podcast in October? Yeah. Our podcast still isn't sold out for our show in October with John Doerr as part of the Northwest Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. Did people just assume it was going to sell out so they didn't bother buying tickets? Maybe. Or maybe they're just having too much fun in the summer.

Oh, you guys. You guys. You're making us look like a couple of assholes. Yeah. That's what you're doing. But, you know, you can go to Northwest Pod Festival. You know what? I'll put a link in the recap of this episode at MaximumFun.org for where you can buy tickets for that. And also where you can vote for us as we are nominated in Best Audio Web Series for the Canadian Comedy Awards.

And also vote for us for Carmen Sandiego's lightning round Yeah We want a trip to Arizona so bad we can taste it Yeah, but they won't let three of us go They only want two of us to go We are holding out We just need to know seven countries Yeah

Tucson Flagstaff We just need to know seven cities in Arizona Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Glendale Wow, that's pretty good

I don't know if Glendale is one. No. You're three ahead of me. What did you say? What was the one? Tucson. Flagstaff. Flagstaff.

Six flags. It's own city in Arizona. Tempe. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Really good. Good Arizona knowledge. Thank you.

Also, Graham, when you were in Toronto, I saw this in my podcast feed today. I haven't had a chance to listen. You were a guest on a podcast? Yeah. Amanda Brooke Perrin, past guest, has her own podcast called We Did It. We're Doing It. We're Doing It. And it was so much fun.

They do a thing, and then they talk about it. Yeah, and your activity was? Napping. And you nailed it? You know it. Boy, I'm so jealous. Thanks, everybody, for listening to the podcast. If you like it, tell your friends.

And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Wow! Right? It sounds really good into this thing. Or is it Skype? Are you Skype? Yeah. Yeah, it is kind of sounding like the opening of Skype. The opening of Skype. Opening of Skype.

Wow. That's amazing. That's really good phone work. I don't know what for. No, but it's great. If you want to open your own Skype. Yeah. At a famous Skype.

You could take it to Dragon's Den. I've got a competing Skype. Called Adam Skype. I got one sound effect. Give me one more. Uh, of one like that? Yeah.

Just do it again. Okay, this is the Bubbles version of it. You have versions? MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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