Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 337 - Toby Hargrave

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

Comedian Toby Hargrave joins us to talk horse medicine, deep fried foods, and party buses.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 337 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's wearing for the first time I can remember in recent memory just a t-shirt. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it's hot.

Yeah, usually you wear a button up even. Even when it's hot out you kind of... I mean I didn't wear this out today. No, no, this is an at-home. Yeah, this is private. It says, girls just want to have fun on it. It's a crop top, really. And it's got all those, it's got little cuts in it.

So, like Hulk Hogan, so I could rip it off. Yeah, yeah, whenever you get too hot. That's why Hulk Hogan rips off his shirt, because he gets too hot. He's so sweaty. He's so greasy under there. And our guest today... That's a racist thingogan rips off his shirt, because he gets too hot. He's so sweaty. He's so greasy under there. And our guest today... That's a racist thing. Because he's Italian. Our guest today, very funny comedian, actor, writer...

Father. Father. Husband. You probably couldn't see that at home when he said writer. He went. Well, no, you made a thing with your eyes. I made a joke. Mr. Toby Hargraves is our guest.

Indeed. Hello. Thank you for being a guest on the show. One more time. Say his name. Toby Hargraves. Hargrave. Singular.

Thank you. And you make that mistake roughly 100% of the time? I would say at least 100% of the time. Why do I want to pluralize it? What's wrong with me? I am big enough for two people. No. You stop.

I make it look good. I make it look good. I'm not saying that. You know, I get that a lot. But you get something too, right? Like Graham Clark. Graham Clark's, everybody says. Clark's?

Yeah, because of those shoes that everybody loves. Oh, yeah, those wallabies those clerks brothers um yeah yeah should we get to know us sure

get to know us now Toby you're recent you're a new father I am and uh you were just

you were regaling us with how it's it's changed it's changed everything or it's not changed everything. You said it was exactly what you expected it to be. For the most part, it absolutely is. Yeah, like you have little profound moments.

The first time that you take your child in a car with you and you just get out to go running to grab a coffee. And you're five feet from the car and you're like, oh shit, right, I can't leave a kid in the car. No. Yeah,

you have to go back. Like there's those little moments that are kind of little epiphanies. Right. But it's not. So you,

but we're also really lucky. So you go back to the car, you put on your, one of those wraps that they, Oh yeah, yeah. Those like Himalayan baby wraps. You strap the baby to your stomach.

What I did was I just took the wrap and covered the car seat. And then nobody could see that there was a baby. Now, there you go. See, there are shortcuts. There are some significant shortcuts. Never leave a baby in a hot car unless it's with a dog.

Yeah, because the dog will know to bark for help. Because they cancel each other out. Two negatives, absolutely. That's a dog. Yeah, because the dog will know to bark for help. Because they cancel each other out. Two negatives, absolutely. That's just math. Yeah, and I'm not great with math myself. And you've been acting in movies and stuff. Yeah, it's been weird. Yeah.

How did that happen? Not that you're not an actor, but it's just all of a sudden you were in movies. Honestly, no. You know what? What movies? This is, I don't believe you. No, it's a weird question to get because people are like, so what have you done lately?

And I'm, I don't know. Because like looking at you, I think you're in the Harry Potter movies. Yeah. Right. I get haggard quite a bit. And this, but this is a result of film and TV. I think you're in the Harry Potter movie yeah right I get haggard quite a bit and this but this is a result of film and TV

like this gratuitous dimension right you have a big bushy beard and long hair yeah and

but what are you piercing you know what happened was it a muscular chest barely hidden by that shirt by that uniform

that's how By that uniform. That's how we describe it in the acting business. It's a uniform. I started auditioning years ago. Like when I moved here, I moved here nine years ago from Edmonton and I was auditioning all the time. Right. And just as an aside, one of my favorite moments in an audition, as comedians, we can be kind of hard on each other. Yeah. At a big showcase, before you go on, you be kind of hard on each other. Yeah. That's like a, at a big showcase before you go

on, you know, you'd be like, Hey Graham. Yeah. Don't fuck this up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, Hey, I love you too, buddy. All right.

And then you go and have fun. And in an audition, uh, when you audition for roles, you'll see a lot of the same people. Yeah. You and I would probably see each other often. Yeah. And, uh, and a guy who I'd seen maybe three or four times already and he gets called in, he's

right before me and he gets up to go in and went, Hey bud, don't fuck it up. And he looked at me like I just, why would you say that to this? Just rattles him. It felt just horrible. I'm inside your head now. And I think he quit.

I think he might've quit. Oh, wow. But I tend to your question. I don't know what happened two years ago, two and a half years ago. Um, there was a local casting director who for whatever reason really took a liking. Yeah.

And just started this ball rolling and, you know, there's been nothing huge in terms of, you know. You, you, um, you're Captain America. Before. You're Captain Kirk. After. You're Captain Kangaroo.

During. You play, you play captains mostly. Yeah. There's been a lot of captains. You've got a type. You know, I've been lucky enough to play a whole bunch of different stuff. Uh, there's been a lot of little parts. Some of the, I enjoy the role as opposed to, I'm not very good at promoting things. What have you been in?

Yeah, what have you been in? Okay, well, yeah. Okay, right now. I think maybe it's Harry Potter. He's playing a role that can't be named. This is why I have an agent. This is why I need self-promotion. Yeah.

It's actually right now on BBC, if you're in America. Okay. I don't think it's playing in Canada yet, but there's a new show called Intruders with Mira Savino, John Simm. Oh, yeah. I've heard of that. Yeah. And so.

Are you on that? Yeah. I did three episodes of that. And so we'll see. Were you an intruder? I don't. Wait a minute. I can't say anything.

Yeah. Oh, okay. There's a. But you're on it. Yeah. There's kind of a funny story, but I don't think I can hear. Sure. Sure.

But later, I'll tell you. Yeah. It's great, listener. Listener, I want you to know, we're going to hear such a funny story. We're probably going to, you know, maybe eat a Popsicle or something. Oh, boy. We're going to hear it. Yeah, exactly.

But yeah, did that last year opened the Metallica movie? Metallica came out with like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Through the Never. Through the Never. And I landed the opening

scene for that. Oh, okay. It was kind of fun. I only watched the end of that. Oh, really? No, not as a slight towards you.

I didn't. But it came on TV the other day and I was like, oh, this is that weird Metallica movie that's supposed to have a plot. Oh, it wasn't in theaters very long, that's for sure. But were you in it as part of the plot or as part of the band? Yes, I'm in the band after. After the never. No, it was kind of an autobiographical role. I played a big metal head that started probably partying when he was 16 and never quit and 40 years old and drive a junk car.

Wow. And I first went into the parking lot and it was a great experience. I mean, it was a small role in that situation. No, there are no small roles. That's kind of what I mean. I grew up listening to Metallica and that's how I learned how to play guitar. And I...

Did you ever do this one? We can probably figure it out. Like if it's her in the corner, we can start a jam. I'm just making it up. That sounded very much like Metallica. I didn't even know that you played the... Because I'm assuming you learned how to play guitar from listening to Metallica. I didn't even know that you played the, cause I'm assuming you played,

learned how to play guitar from listening to Metallica. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Over the years. A lot of people don't know I play guitar because when I first started doing standup in Edmonton

years ago, one of my favorite people who really looked out, Chrissy Rubin, you might remember. She was a real ball buster and she came up to me and I had my guitar out for the first time ever. On stage? I was just in the back. I was in the back of the room and I'm just

noodling around. She came up and said, I didn't know you play guitar. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of what I did before this. And she said, how come you haven't brought your guitar before? I said, well, I kind of wanted to get funny

first. I want to have some jokes. I didn't want to use it as like a crutch. And she just looked at me and said and you think now okay and she just walked away and I've never brought it up stage I swear I just yeah I don't know yeah it was a thing where it was like uh if you're ever on a show with a musical act and you're like this isn't fair yeah like the audience is really just responding to the, you know,

the rhyme, which is comedically four out of 10. It's like they're clapping after every song. This guy's getting applause breaks. Yeah, it's true. And I remember having to go on stage after, um,

what's this? Craig Robinson. Oh yeah. Oh, Craig. Yeah. And like, he just, uh, plays. Oh, Craig Robinson. And he just plays like, sometimes he plays covers, and it's just like, what?

I can't follow a cover of a song? Everyone already knew the words. He just did a real fun and sexy. One of the funny parts, it was a longer set, but I only had one song that I was playing in that set. So you break out the guitar at the end of the set? Actually, see, that was a problem. I didn't know, what do you do?

Like, it seems kind of weird to... It should lower from the ceiling. Stay right here. Yeah, let me go get my guitar. And it's sitting in the corner, and then everybody's staring at the guitar while you're telling jokes. Yeah.

Lansy picking up guitar, guitar, guitar, guitar. And so what I did was I came out, and I was playing it. And I would play it like I was starting to sing a song. Right. Or I'd play it behind like a joke I was telling. And and I would play it like I was starting to sing a song. Right. Or I'd play it behind a joke I was telling. And people busted my balls for that. Yeah, just kind of noodling around, and people kind of busted my balls for that, too.

Again, I've never brought it back since. Graham once said to me, Dave, if we formed a musical comedy duo, we'd be at Just for Laughs within a year. And we wrote one song. Yeah. Do you remember it? We got invited to an orgy. It was the name of the song. We got invited to an orgy. Oh, I thought that's what happened after the song.

But nobody else showed up. Yeah, that was the thing. It was later, eight years later in life or ten years later in life, all of a sudden Nick Thune comes on doing exactly what I had been chastised for doing before. And that was a real life lesson. Zach Galvanakis would do it on a piano. Yep.

And then your Garfunkel and Oates, the Doo Wops was one, a Canadian. They were around forever, those guys. I know, I know. And one of them were there. And they were just the last all the time. They were around forever, those guys. I know, I know. And they were there. And they were there all the time. They were two Italian guys. One of them now hosts a show called You Gotta Eat Here. Oh, I know that guy.

Yeah, so it was him and another guy, and they sang funny songs. Nobody beats them. Nobody beats a funny song. Nope. And if it's a song parody, oh, man. It's just like. Good night, nurse. I saw somebody, like it was a couple weeks ago,

I was downtown at the comedy mix, and I was walking home, and I saw a guy playing for a girl on his phone one of Weird Al's parodies, and they were both just, like, busting a stitch. Like, this was the greatest like they heard that song and he's like oh my god I got a thing here I'm just gonna bring it on my phone

if you love that song you're gonna love the parody we discovered him for the first time yeah that's awesome do you think anyone's ever done like

made like a sexy time playlist but accidentally put the Weird Al version of the song on. It's okay, baby. I know you don't have that many songs on your computer.

I guess we truly are living in an Amish paradise. The fact that that song would be on your sexy time playlist to begin with. Well, I can't even think of one that did not like he doesn't do sexy songs he did a version of uh usher's confessions yeah that's like a sexy song didn't he do a cover of nothing compares to you feels like that's a thing he would have got in on i don't know is that a sexy song well it's kind of sad i guess yeah. Yeah, I mean, MacArthur Park and Jurassic Park, they're both pretty sexy.

Yeah, they were both sexy. You're right. That's true. Oh, do you think the new Jurassic Park is going to be any good? Of course. Yeah? Having seen none since the first one. Didn't, what's his name just die?

Richard Attenborough. Thank you, Richard Attenborough. Yeah. They can't, but I don't know if he would have been involved in it. You can't really write a script based around a 90-year-old. Well, you've got to do it quick. You don't have a lot of time to. Yeah, you have to.

That's how you get it out of development hell. You're like, yeah, it's all centered around a 90-year-old. So we've got to move along here. Let's step this up, kids. Well, we've got him doing CGI stuff stuff right now anyway just in case he's reading a dictionary so we can get him saying every sentence that's that's like that's why george burns all of his movies got made because they were like we're running out of time then he lived to be 100 yeah like oh we still had 20 years. Oh, dear God.

Was that one of them? Yep. Oh, God. Oh, God, you devil. Oh, God. I think dear God was the first line in the review. Yeah. How has that been a very weird period of time

when there was like premieres where George Burns was like the guy on the red carpet? Not like 90-year-old George Burns was like the guy on the red carpet. Not like 90-year-old George Burns. No, but you know what I mean? Like when that movie came out, how old was he? In his 80s? Probably in his 80s. Yeah.

It's just funny that he would have been like, like, I'd rather be in bed. Yeah. Yeah. They've got him at the Teen Choice Awards. We just need to get you out there. Don't slime me. I don't do voices.

I don't even really remember what he sounds like. He had this wonderful quote when he was asked what's the secret to his long life. And he looked at the interview and said, you need three things. And he looked at the interview and said, you need three things. You need a good cigar, a good woman, and a good pair of glasses so you can tell the two apart. I don't think that was a good impression either way. No, it was great. No, I think it was in the room. Are you going out for a role in the George Burns biopic?

I'm going to go for the most impressions in under a minute. Oh, wow. That's my new gimmick I'm going to go for the most impressions in under a minute. Oh, wow. That's my new gimmick I'm going to take on stage. I'm going to take that puppy and tour it around the corner. So what other, you were in a BBC America show, but what other, you were in movies? You did some movies and stuff, right? You just did some research, Graham. You're right, I could have.

Just go to IMDB and search Toby Hargrave. That's the best way to do it. And then just do it yourself. You can see. As a Canadian actor who goes for these roles, is it the worst when people are like, what have you been in? No, because I think that there's a reality that I know. I'm sure you get recognized because we're in the business.

Yeah. Haphazardly. Always in public washrooms. Always in public washrooms. Whenever it's, uh. And you've just started. Yeah. He saw you walk into the stall and now you're there.

Oh, shit. Yeah. But, um. No, cause I, there's no pretense. Like I don't come around. I don't pretend to be a rock star. That's a, I'm using rock star a lot today. Yeah.

But. You had some rock star energy drinker. I did, I did. I understand. I guess, but no, no, it's because people are interested. Like, oh shoot, well, what have you been in? Did I see you?

When you're up in Vancouver though, you're doing, you know, smaller roles. Like a lot of the major roles have been filled elsewhere. Right. But you can still make a living at it. And every now and then, um, you know, you know, you land some really nice roles. And, you know, now it's coming to, I've been really close to a couple of really big things.

Right. And, you know, I say in the, you know, that's a wonderful part about the business that we're in. Every day your life can change. And every day it doesn't. There was a guy in Vancouver. I can't remember his name, but he played, you know, he was always an office drone guy. Like, if there was another guy, if there was the star and then another guy and then a third guy in the office, he was always the third guy in the office. He's just, in any movie that I would see him in, I'd just check out

because I was like, oh, this is Vancouver. I can't buy into this now that he's in it. Yeah, exactly. Now that the third guy is in there with his...

That's like the old Canadian TV. It's like, oh, this isn't too bad. This is kind of an interesting show. Is that the CN Tower? Oh, for crying out loud.

Oh, they've got, oh, their money's purple. Yeah. Is that the CBC logo on the bottom? Oh, shit. He's got a, he's got a, he's got, oh, their money's purple. Yeah. Is that the CBC logo on the bottle? Ah, shit. He's got a briefcase full of weird multicolored bills. This isn't a real drug deal.

Oh, and it's a really small suitcase, too. Yeah. Oh, it's from the bay. Oh, man. And what else is going on in general? Just a whole bunch of stuff. I guess, man. And what else is going on in general? Just a whole bunch of stuff I have. I guess, yeah. Just auditioning and traveling and doing stand-up.

I'm not doing stand-up as much as I used to. Right. Because people are yelling out your lines from the movies you're in. Do the thing. Pretend I'm Mirairo Sorvino. That's my favorite. People are just yelling out motivations. You're scared.

You know, it's funny the image that we had. I don't know how this is going to play out, but I did a horrible TV, like made for TV movie. Yeah. A couple years ago called The Christmas Consultant with Hasselhoff. Oh, wow. What? with Hasselhoff. Oh, wow, what? Which Hasselhoff? Dave?

Dave, yeah, Dave. The preferred Hasselhoff? The preferred Hasselhoff. He's an interesting cat. One-on-one, he's great. He's a really sincere fellow, but as soon as a third person arrives, it's all over. It's just a game. What does that mean?

Yeah, what does that mean? He just turns on. He just suddenly turns on. He's just now suddenly the character of Hasselhoff as opposed to just a game. And he'd taken. What does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean? He just turns on. He just suddenly turns on. Oh, okay. He's just now suddenly the character of Hasselhoff as opposed to like. Oh, okay. Just this guy. And we.

So, and on set, he'd taken. Like, there were signs everywhere on set, obviously. Like, take off your shoes, production office, turn off your cell phones. Right. And anywhere something like that happened, he'd actually put an H in front. So, like, turn off your cell phone, production office. He's kind of our Banksy. By our, I mean our generation. Right. actually put an H in front of it, like turn Hoff yourself on production Hoffeth. He's kind of our Banksy.

By our, I mean our generation. Right. Yeah. Banksy's dead. That's exactly how I would have described it as Banksy. But we were having a conversation. He heard that I was a comedian and somehow heckling came up and he was, he was telling me

the story in Germany about how this guy shouted hamburger to him. After that video of him eating a hamburger off the bathroom floor. When he was all drunk. Right. And his daughter took the video and he, we proceeded to have this incredible conversation

about that whole video and his daughter, like a really personal, that they really caught me off guard and it was sincere and he was saying it was, it was a wake up call for him and it was great and kind of a real touching conversation. And then all of a sudden the chaperone for one of the kid actors came running over and heard

that he wanted to go to Whistler for the weekend. Right. And had no idea what we've been talking about, but came running up out of the blue like, Dave, do you like hamburgers? Oh, my favorite, my favorite burger place in Whistler. Splits it, you're going to love it.

And they just, they fall apart. You can't, they just get all over your, and it's basically doing. They'll be all over your hotel car. Oh, yeah. They'll be all over the internet. Yeah, and then he went running off, and we just had to like.

I mean, it's so messy, you probably should take your shirt off before you eat it. And just lie down on the carpet. Oh, man. Yeah, it was a wonderful moment that will never happen again. Now, when that video came out, did he put it on the internet?

Mm-mm. His daughter put it on the internet. To shame him. His daughter put it on the internet. Yeah. And it went viral. It was the greatest. It was like maybe the early days of YouTube or pre-YouTube or.

Well, it wasn't pre-YouTube, but it must've been, it was certainly earlier on. I can't honestly remember how long ago that was. Because there was a while when there were like a bunch of things that weren't YouTube and they were all kind of competing. But I kind of think that when the video came out, it jumpstarted his career because a lot of people were like, what, he's still around?

Yeah. Oh, we do need a Christmas consultant. Yeah. That is true. He's huge in Germany. Somebody was writing the script and just had a scene where a burger falls apart. Wait, wait, wait. He's still here.

Go get him. The top falls half the burger. Oh, I mistyped that. Or did I? The top of the burger. Yeah. The top. Put the part.

And then we also do some stuff around town. And that's some of my favorite stuff that we're doing now is just the local stuff. Like we have a little web series called Gourmet versus Gourmand. What is that? That's we like to eat food. Okay. Who's we? Alec McNeil Richardson, which is basically like the oldest friend I have.

We've known each other our entire lives. He's 112. Yeah. George Burns. He's 112. Yeah. George Burns. He's George Burns-ish. I've known him for the longest. Anyway. And Jonathan Strebley.

And he's a production designer and they're just friends. And what do you do? You go around to restaurants? Yeah. It's gone really, really well. We've had Car2Go sponsor us, Vespa sponsor us. We just take different forms of transportation and we visit local and they pay

for your food yeah and we focus on local food and uh local businesses right and it's just kind of a lot of fun it's just three guys they're like 20 minutes long and three guys being you know and what do you do you just like they have a sample of all of the things they make and you go oh this is oh well we do research before we go so we know why we're gonna go and every show is a little bit like they have a sample of all of the things they make and you go, oh, this is, oh, it's Well, we do research before we go. So we know why we're going to go. Right. And every show is a little bit different.

So for instance, one of the first ones that I joined them on was a Vancouver magazine released a top 25 things to eat in Vancouver before you die. And so we decided to eat all 25 things. Don't eat any after you die. Yeah. Don't eat any.

Yeah, exactly. It's like, it's like kind of like the ring. Once you eat these 25 things, then you're done. When I die, I'll, in my will, I'm going to put, it's like kind of like the ring. Once you eat these 25 things, then you're dead. When I die, in my will, I'm going to put it that I want my family just to put food in my mouth.

Every year when they come out with the new list, I want you to bring all 25 of the foods. I want to be mummified. Number 13 on the

list, you could do, it was umami paste, which is horrible. What? Umami paste? Is that eel? Tomatoey? I don't even know.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. It tastes like a dog's foot. I'm thinking of umami. An umami. Okay. Umami is the fifth flavor. What are the first four flavors?

There's sweet, sour, salty, and bitter. Oh. And then umami, which is like the brothy one. The brothy one? But it it's also it maybe doesn't exist it's like it just kind of floats above the other flavors like that that sounds like like a beach boy's harmony that's a much smarter analogy than what i just said okay so uh is it always weird food or is it no no no. I mean, sometimes we did sea urchin. What's that?

I just found out. I guess I know what that is. It's a barnacle thing, but the part you eat is actually the testicle of the sea urchin. Oh, yeah. And I'm not into that. I don't want to do that. Because you're a homophobe? Is that what it is?

For sea urchin homophobe. I'm sea urchin phobic. Period. Actually, I wouldn't even say just for gay sea urchins. I would say across the board. Are there female sea urchins? Doesn't matter. I dislike them just the same. What is it?

How does, because sea urchin, what is it? It's like mostly kind of like a rock. I don't even know. I got like the spikes on it. I got this, just this piece of, it looked like a piece of tongue almost. Right. But it was really buttery. The texture is like buttery and there's a bait and switch.

Immediately it is. Right. Like when you put sea urchin in your mouth, you're like, oh. Oh. And then, but the first oh is good. Second oh, not so good. And it's just, it's like sucking on. So your hope is to die between the first O and the second F.

Yeah, or you die before the bad taste hits you. Yeah, it's like bitter melon. Have you ever had bitter melon? Yes. I was over at Charlie Demers' house for dinner and his mother-in-law was making a traditional Chinese meal. Yeah. And bitter melon was on the menu. us for dinner and his mother-in-law was making a traditional chinese meal yeah and uh and bitter melon was on the menu and i was like oh hey i love everything yeah you're like i love melon i love

melon i love bitters this is awesome i do like a hoppy beer and uh it was uh challenging yeah yeah yeah the rest of the food she's a fantastic cook charlie if you're listening she's fantastic yeah just the bitter melon. But, you know, don't go chasing waterfalls, everybody. Please stick to the urchins and the testicles that you're used to. Have you had a testicle ever? You had a prairie oyster? I had a prairie oyster.

Yeah. That's a cow testicle? That's a cow. I guess a bull testicle. Yeah, and it just tasted like a meatball, really. It didn't taste weird. Did you eat the whole thing, or was it sliced? It was just presented

a la carte. How big is it? Pretty big, actually. I only ate one. Like your fist? Smaller than my fist, but bigger than my testicle. But how old were you when you ate it? Because that could be part of the whole thing. I'm kind of ageless.

That's a great thing about me. I'm sure, yeah. Because on the prairies, actually, prairie oysters can be horse or cow. Oh. And I know that because we grow, like we have a ranch outside of Medicine Hat. And so the first time, first time I ever tried this, we were out, we were castrating all the, all the foals coming through. Just for fun? Yeah, it was your birthday. We went to were castrating all the, all the foals coming through. Just for fun? Yeah, it was your birthday.

We went to the castrating zoo. I was eight. I grew up in Edmonton. It didn't catch on anywhere else, but it was huge there. And, uh, and so they took us out. I remember a little hairy, uh, and he was seven feet tall and he's a huge guy. Right. But he, um, he took us out and there was a bucket of apple juice in the back of the truck.

And I thought it was a hot day. I know. And I thought it was a hot day. So he's bringing apple juice for us. In a bucket? Like refreshments. You're on a farm. How old were you?

I was 11. Okay. And, uh, and so I go for a, uh, where I get, uh, I go for a ladle of apple juice and I take a sip and spit it. And it was salty. It's like just really salty apple juice. And Harry looked at me and he always used jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. What the fuck?

You green piece of shit. And so he leave that alone and he didn't tell me what was going on. And so we go and get the horse. Well, the first of the horse. And we run it into the table. So you run a horse into, think of it like a V. Okay. Metal V.

Right. And the top of the V has a pull going across the top so you can close the V to make it look like two L's. Do you know what I mean? Like two I's? I'm horrible for radio. No, this is good. So it's a V that you can close from the top. So you run the animal

in and the animal can go in and then you just pull it tight and now the animal is stuck. Right. And the animal knows some shit's about to go. What the fuck? And then you just pull it tight and now the animal stuck. Right. And then. And the animal knows some shit's about to go. Yeah. What the fuck. And then it's, it's called a table because you basically kick the bottom out of it out and it becomes horizontal.

And now the animal sitting on its side and there are little releases that you can pull to access the groin area and you can circumcise, circum. If you want to keep kosher all of our horses that's a fun story no and so so we castrated and then he threw the the testicles into the apple juice

and that's what it was there for it was a marinade oh that's not as bad as it. It was a marinade. Oh. That's not as bad as it could have gone. We all just automatically said it was horse pee. That's what I thought it was. Graham,

myself, everyone listening was like, why did he drink that bucket of pee? I don't know. They're farm people. Why would we bring a bucket of pee? That's awesome. Why would we bring a bucket of pee. I don't know. They're farm people. Why would we bring a bucket of pee? I don't know. That's awesome. Why would we bring

a bucket of pee to a place where we're going to marinate horse testicles?

We must have looked like idiots. Yeah, and then that night they came home and

they fried them up and I was like to say that's the night I found

out that I liked broccoli. But yeah, they just bred them. And if memory serves and it's a little foggy, you forget what you kind of have put in on it. But honestly, I think it was shake and bake. I think it was just shake and bake that they

used and away they went. If I had to prepare something that, like if somebody just said, prepare sea urchin, I'd put it in shake and bake, put it in the oven, and just cross my fingers. No, no, you're going to deep fry it. If you're in Vancouver, see, this is one of the things that I learned you do in Gourmet vs. Gourmand. If you're in Vancouver on Granville Island, there's this wonderful guy. His business is called Maison de Cote. And he does nothing but spices.

Right out of his house. And he mixes them all up and, uh, and they're, they're fantastic. Huh? And they're, kick Shake and Bake's butt. Well, I mean. Everything does. Yeah.

It's not hard. Shake and Bake is not the one to beat. Well, okay. Then, then that was an easy fight. He just picked on a four-year-old, but yeah, I'm just saying it was a. Oh, but yeah. Now I'm thinking about.

Now I'm thinking about chicken tonight. Was that chicken tonight? Yeah. No, I think that was the competitor. Oh, what was that? Was it called chicken tonight? It was called chicken tonight. Ah.

Are you still a vegetarian? I am, yeah. Yeah. So you're not really thinking about chicken tonight? No, but I'm thinking about all the vegetables I could shake and bake. I never thought about doing that. Oh, dude. Absolutely.

That might be delicious. You could do some tempura. Yeah. I could do mushrooms could shake and bake. I never thought about doing that. Oh, dude. Absolutely. That might be delicious. You could do some tempura. Yeah. I could do mushrooms and shake and bake. Oh, you could just do mushrooms. Oh, that'd be fun. Chickpeas. Oh, and shake and bake?

Yeah. That'd be delicious. There's a lot of delicious possibilities here. Yeah. Possibilities. This is, yeah. Possibilities. Dave, what's going on with you?

Dave, what's going on with you? Well, I've become well acquainted with the testicles of a horse. Can you taste the difference between a horse and a cow testicle? And also, do you eat any other part of the horse? Yeah. Are you French? No, I have no idea because I've never had both. Oh, I guess you've never had either. No, I just did the horse.'ve never had both. Oh, I guess you've never had either. I've never done a taste test.

No, I just did the horse. And then. Oh, did you, did you eat the horse testicle? Yep. Yep. Yep. And. Well, Graham, you've had a cow testicle.

Yep. So why don't you guys. We should figure out. The only sure way. With that beard, it would be like kissing me. It'd be awesome. You'd be like Velcro. It'd have a Velcro effect.

The, and then yes, a horse tartare. There's a place here in town. I'm, I can't, uh, um, uh, I just, I'll blurt it out later. Okay, cool. They do horse tartare and it's delicious. Huh? No, thanks. Uh, I'm not a vegetarian.

It's not interesting. Fair enough. I don't, I like, I don't even hold horses in that high esteem. It, you know, and it's, it's interesting on, on the, uh, we have a Twitter account and whatnot. And out of everything that we've eaten and we're not like trying to find gross things or anything

like that. We're actually trying to find here. Nobody eats horse in Europe. It's very common. It's common everywhere. Yeah. You find it in the grocery store. You find it in the grocery store, even when you're not looking for it. Is it big in Sweden or something? Yeah, it's big everywhere, common. It's common everywhere. You find it in the grocery store.

Even when you're not looking for it. Is it big in Sweden or something? It's big everywhere, man. It's big everywhere. But horse, the one time that I said that we tried horse tartare, that was the closest I've ever come to seeing something go viral. Just for me.

Oh, really? The number of responses and retweets. It was bizarre. Gross. People are passionate about it. Is it because you said, just shy of its triple crown. I had Seattle slew. That's the most relevant.

What was the horse this year that won two of the three? Oh, right. None of them can win the third one. Yeah. So I think it's a longer course. what's up with me yeah um well last night graham uh this made me laugh uh because uh uh it was charlie demers a local comedian yeah he put on a show last night his 10th anniversary doing stand-up yep and uh a rare for uh a show hosted by graham that had um uh advanced ticket sales and i had abby uh text graham and say uh or she wanted to go i don't care

she was like uh uh she texted graham uh, are there still tickets available for this? We'd like to go. And you wrote back and said, no, it's sold out. Also, new phone, who dis? And she assumed you were joking. Nope. And then we found out later that there had been tickets set aside for us. Yep.

we found out later that there had been tickets set aside for us yep uh but we we assumed you were joking because uh i will text you and you'll know it's me yeah and you'll uh still write new phone who did yeah well that's because it's a hilarious joke but you can't do it both ways no i know i'm the boy who cried new phone who did yes you are that's what we called you last night uh but uh yeah i didn't know who it was uh and so yeah um i wish we stayed home and watched the monday night emmys oh yeah that's right the emmys congratulations to all the winners yeah to uh the winners and beyond yeah yeah yeah it's also just an honor i was gonna say it's a pleasure to be nominated. It is a pleasure. It's a pleasure to be nominated.

So here's what's going on with me. Yeah. This past weekend, we went to the PNE. Ah. No. The fair. The Pacific National Exhibition. That's right.

And it had all the rides that we couldn't go on because Abby's eight and a half months pregnant. Oh, yeah. Which is great because, like, I get sick. Yeah. Do they have a thing where it's like, you must be this tall, and then they do, like, a snowman? It literally just says, no pregnant. Yeah, that sounds about right.

No dogs, no Irish, no pregnant. yeah that sounds yeah no dogs no irish no pregnant um uh and uh so we did all like the things you can do at a fair that aren't rides which meant we ate all the garbage we could eat we had deep fried uh pies yeah deep fried oreos yeah we i think they should just have like a booth where they deep fry stuff and you bring your own like stuff from home

that you're too afraid to deep fry. Here's five dollars deep fry this you know apple. Yeah deep fry my yearbook. I used to work in a place

where we used to deep fry Mars bars. Yeah yeah yeah. Delicious. Yeah. Nah? Yeah. I guess once you're over it you're over it yeah

right i mean how was the oreo that sounds delicious i mean you get a batch a batch of oreos a bushel of oreos a bouquet of oreos uh yeah it was basically like uh usually i would go and just eat one big thing but i really spread it it out and I was like, give me the small order of ten terrible things. Yeah. And there was one booth there that we didn't go to because it was a Jamaican restaurant and it was called Jamaican Me Juicy. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good.

Yeah. What did they serve? I want to know what they served. But yeah, we went to, they had the Super Dogs, which they have every year. Adorable. Yeah, it's fine. What was your favorite Super Dog? Well, there was this one Boston Terrier that was just sort of like crawling on its belly in the intro but they never brought

it back to do any other stuff later maybe that's his only trick i guess so um maybe it was hurt yeah oh yeah that's right this is your last show uh and the super dogs for people who don't know it's just people who have dogs and then they sign up to be in this thing they do dog auditions but it's not like the the a traveling show of like we you know they're all local dogs i don't know if they're local but it's like uh it's it's not like one guy you know travels around and picks up dogs and then kills them it's not like that dog circus you sent me to christmas last year which you love which i love but it's like every dog has is with its owner and they're performing and doing stuff and they're rascals oh yeah they're rascals what was the most rascally thing that a dog did um oh there was one dog whose job it was just to like, they played musical chairs,

except instead of chairs, so the dogs would dance, and then the music would stop, and they'd have to sit down on a mat, and then this one dog would run out and take all the mats away. That's perfect. Yeah. That's show business. It's more reliable than real show business. It is. Yeah, because you know you're going to get a good show 100% of the time.

Like if the dogs just go crazy and don't put on a show, even then it's a great show. Yeah. I'll take it. Oh, the dogs had sex in the middle of the thing. Perfect. Awesome. Rave reviews. But we went, do you know what time it opens in the morning?

Oh, I have no idea. I think nine, isn't it? Yeah. I assumed like nine or ten. I talked to someone else today. They were like, I'm pretty sure it opens at eight. It opens at 11. Oh, that makes sense.

We were there at 1020. You were there right at the gates. I was literally about to say, were there at 10.20. You were there right first at the gates. I was literally about to say, who goes at 10 in the morning? But all right, there we are. We went at 10 in the morning, and there were people there, and we were like, oh, okay, so they must be letting people in. They were not. I guess no one else knew it opened at 11 either. Yeah, what were you going to do?

The whole day? You were going to make a whole day? No, no. We just wanted to be out at 2. Oh, I see. All right. Because some stuff has super long lineups. They have this Game of Thrones exhibition.

I think I saw some pictures that you were taking on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You sat in the throne? Yeah, I didn't. No? How come? I'm not really that familiar with the show that you were taking on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You sit in the throne? Yeah, I didn't. No? How come? I'm not really that familiar with the show. He gets sick on rides.

Is that the throne from the show? I don't know. I've never seen it. I've just seen the ads. I know the throne. Oh, it's such a good show. It's such a good throne. It is.

I've seen every episode. Can't really tell people apart. I'm still, I'm always pointing out like, oh, those people are related? Like, oh, that's the guy from before? Yeah. It is going to end up just being one family that's squabbling. Well, and they all, like, oh, it's all just like handsome white guys in their 30s.

And I was like, I can't tell them apart. It's like, they all look like me. Has SNL ever done a sketch where it's the Game of Thrones on Family Feud? No, I don't think so. Seems like that would be a gimme. Submit it. Yeah.

Submit it in your packet. That seems like a gimme. An easy one, right? Yeah. That wouldn't be bad. Yeah. With Steve Harvey? Yeah.

Kenan Thompson does a good Steve Harvey. He really does. Yeah. But we went to that thing. We went to the Game of Thrones exhibition. And we got there like 10.20. And there was a, you know, half hour lineup already for it. And they have like overflow ticketing.

Like, come back at 1.30 and you'll get a spot in line. And it's a 90 minute line. So, that was one of the reasons we went early is we didn't want to be in this line to see to be in a you know a small room with a bunch of like costumes yeah there's costumes and then there's well okay what you do is you go there you line up and in our lineup there was this these two young parents with their eight-year-old daughter in line behind us. And the eight-year-old daughter had no idea what Game of Thrones was. No, of course not.

You wouldn't let your kid watch that, would you? No. No. And she was like, so what is this show we're going to see? And the dad, well, the first thing that happened was the dad was in line behind us and then the mother and the daughter showed up and she was like uh i'd appreciate it if you didn't run off uh from us and i assumed that she meant the daughter but she was talking to her husband she was like we're gonna be here all day i can't have you just running off and so we're in line behind them for like 20 minutes.

And the daughter keeps asking, like, what are we going to see? What's this show? And the dad is like, it's not a show. It's an exhibition. It's got things from a show. It's got exhibits. You dumb kid. I can't believe how dumb you are.

You don't know what the difference between a show and an exhibit about a show And so we went in And we kept They kept like cutting off the line Like there's a line to go from the outside to the inside Then a line to go from the inside To this other line inside Oh brother

They were really getting the fair experience But they kept The people kept being like okay uh you can't go and then they would see abby's eight and a half months pregnant and they would just let us in okay you can go in oh nice it worked out for us uh but um yeah we got into the room that has like the stuff and i had like oh the gloves the guy wore oh all the weapons a wall of weapons yeah they had an in memoriam wall to all the dead people on the show um and then inside there after you've lined up there's another thing that you line up for a half hour for that's like the 3d experience where

you put on a helmet and you climb a wall you put on like a helmet with a mask on it and then you're immersed in the uh the world wow and all the sweat from the previous people who wore in the helmet yeah yeah that's they every year used to go to stampede which is the same thing as the pna is the same thing as what was the one edmonton called klondike days yeah it's the county fair or the state fair yeah and there was always a thing like that that was from like a movie or a tv show that you would go to and then you're like this is fucking this is horrible i remember the first time i did the only time i've ever done a show never got invited back to the calgary stampede i'd never been to the stampede before and i walked in doing the show.

And I think the first joke out of the gate was something about a, this is incredible. I've never been, I had no idea Calgary, you know, you get a lot of flack, but this is such a great, there's people dancing in the streets and music and people are dressed up. This is the best gay pride festival ever. I'm going to throw my deep fried something at him um the one exhibit we remember

my friend and i we like stood in line for so long to go to it i don't know why but it was an exhibit on exhibit of a rapper of city slickers to the legend of curly's gold that's great um and it was a thing where you had to go and then then they filmed you, and then they cut you into the movie. Into the movie? Yeah. It was the worst. It was the worst exhibit.

Oh, it was terrible. You were in front of a blue screen. Did you see the movie ever? Yeah. And was it like being in the movie? Was it that bad? Yeah. No, like when I saw the movie i was

like oh there's the scene that they cut you into there's a scene that they cut out daniel stern and put in oh they cut out daniel stern oh worth it but uh yeah it was like that but way worse at least it was game of thrones at least it wasn't city slickers in the in the game of thrones there's a whole backstory about all the actors who landed roles. And I forget the actor's name that was in. He's basically the lead out of the Game of Thrones in the first series. Guy with long hair. Sean Bean.

Sean Bean. Thank you. Yeah. And he dies. Whoa. If you haven't seen it, we just pulled something. I haven't seen it. If you haven't seen it, you know what?

You're not going to see it. That was a long time ago. No, that's not true. Graham's going to see it that was a long time ago no that's not true Graham's going to see it yeah eventually okay

once I go to the exhibition once I get my you know there's a great story about how he didn't know that his character

died and he was like what like he hadn't read the book and that was the author's retort he's like

well I don't know what to say I wrote the book you know well the books are too big. Yeah. They're huge.

I've never read one book that big, let alone 10 of them or however many there are. And counting, right? That actor, Sean Bean, his name is spelt S-E-A-N-B-E-A-N, Sean Bean.

Sean Bond. And that's not his birth name. Really? His birth name is Sean Bean, h a u n bean huh sean bean sean bean no no like he just changed the spelling to make it look terrible or make it look you know easy to fit on a poster easier because then it doesn't make that v-shape and just and then you see that v-shape and you're like oh now i'm gonna have to circumcise a cow would have to circumcise cattle yeah run some horse so yeah we went to the county fair yeah awesome good for you that was fun i got that out of the way it's mandatory everybody goes yeah once every 10 years it honestly had been maybe 10 years since i'd gone yeah i've maybe gone to playland at the fair like separate from the fair since but

like i definitely go to the fright nights i've never got right i've never even heard of that during uh it's like the week of Halloween, Fright Night, you go and it's all haunted houses and, you know, kids doing whatever, MDMA, whatever they're doing, going on the roller coaster. Our first Halloween here, we didn't know anything about the tradition of fireworks. Yeah.

And Sarah literally called the police because she thought it was gunshots going around the house and I wasn't at home. So she's, she's cute though. It's weird. I didn't know that I grew up here and I didn't know

that that was just us. I thought it was like, oh yeah, where else would you light off fireworks? What if you were the only city that did like dressing up

in costumes and getting candy? And you had to like describe that to somebody else. And you had to like describe that to somebody else. And you go to strangers' houses. Yeah. You dress up in a costume, you knock on their door, they open it. There was a story a couple of years back about a guy dressed up as Easter Bunny at Easter time,

sitting on his front step, giving kids candy across the street from a school, and he was arrested. Really? Yeah. That sounds about right. Yeah, that's fine. That's prudent of the police. One day a year he can be hammered out of your tree and give kids candy. Yeah. And no problem.

Oh boy, yeah, you can set up a fake graveyard on your front lawn and people are cool with it. Yeah. I can't wait till that time of year. It's right around the corner. What's going on with you? I went to my brother's stag.

Oh, that is a bachelor party? It's a bachelor party, I think, and I'm just guessing that the difference between a stag and a bachelor party is strippers. That's my feeling. And which is which? There were no strippers. Okay. I don't think that that's the... I just think they're interchangeable words.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. But, like, I just think of the movie Bachelor Party starring Tom Hanks. I don't think there's a difference. I think it's, like, a regionalism. Okay. Well, I went to his bachelor party slash stag.

Where was this? This was in Calgary, Alberta. So you took an airplane. I took an airplane. I went there. They were doing, it was in two parts. The first part was we went to this thing. It was like clay pigeon shooting.

And it was kind of worked like a golf course. Like you went from station to station okay and you got five attempts on like a shotgun like a shotgun yeah like a 12 gauge shotgun yeah and uh calgary that is alberta okay i've never i've shot a i shot a rifle before but never a shotgun yeah and uh shotguns have a lot more kick kick them. And it's very, like there's a guide that goes with you and he tells you how to do it. Very counterintuitive because you feel like holding it as far away from your person as possible. And you want to have it nice and snug. Yeah, he said you got to tuck it right into the kind of the meaty part of your shoulder.

the kind of the meaty part of your shoulder and uh and you you're supposed to rest like your jaw on the butt of the gun and that's how you control it but like you're like but my teeth so you're stuffing newspaper and cotton balls in there well and they did a thing uh this guy like he brought out a little it was like a cd and you he was to test your dominant eye you focus on something in the distance and you bring this disc towards your eye and whichever eye it naturally goes to that's your dominant eye oh interesting yeah but mine kept going right to my nose so i was like i don't know what's the dominant one so i was just a terrible fucking shot i just i just missed uh but you have good vision good vision but just like i kept switching lefty righty you know and uh camera one camera two camera one camera two okay and they would you

would say like pull and then the thing would, and sometimes I just wouldn't even see it. I would just wait and then be like, when is it coming? They'd be like, it landed a minute ago. That skeet is at home with his family. And you had two shots, right, per skeet? Some of them you would have one shot and then have to reload, and then they would put two shots in and sometimes. These are shots of tequila?

Yeah. And then by the end you're just ready to go shooting. They do a thing where they shoot one and then another and you have two shots and you have to like

hit one and hit another or miss both. Or not shoot. And that's what you end up doing. I remember I shot a shotgun when I remember like I'd shot a shotgun when I was a kid but shooting a shotgun as an adult

doing skeet yeah and you pull the trigger and you're you're still recovering from the shot yeah like what the fuck

was that and then all of a sudden oh shit I gotta shoot something else now yeah and sometimes I would so not

see the pigeon that I would just count I would say pull and the pigeon that I would just count. I would say, pull and go 1,000, 1,000, 2. Shoot in the arbitrary direction? Did you hit any? Yeah, I hit some. And I don't know how.

Did you notice that you hit them? No, I was told afterwards. Hey, you hit it. There we go. Oh, good. All right, if you say so. Precisely. Hey, you hit it.

There you go. Oh, good. All right, if you say so. And the thing, too, is when you're done, you open up the shotgun. And yeah, the casings fly out. And they're hot. And they're hot. And I got hit in the head so many times.

And somehow during the course of the day, like, so I have a huge bruise here like on my shoulder and also somehow i ended up cutting my both of my hands so i had like blood all over my hands by the and i don't know if it was because i pinched when i closed the rifle or if i burned myself on the rifle because it's like really hot afterwards anyways i once went to a shooting range for a bachelor party as well. Yeah. And the, it was handguns and the thingy slides back and cuts your hand if your thumb isn't down. The bolt, yeah. One of the creepiest things you can see, Sarah and I like to do, we're campers, we're outdoorsy people. Yeah. It's a good look that I have for that.

Yeah, yeah. And we have a four by four. And so when we go up to the island, we'll take some of the logging roads up. And you don't have to go too far and you'll get to a clearing. And it's tens of thousands of spent shotgun shells. Oh, wow. Just everywhere. And all the rednecks just go out and that's what they do Saturday night.

There's just beer cans. It's kind of tragic. That's what I was thinking at this course. I was like, I bet you as soon as all the plebes leave, they just throw lawn chairs up and just shoot holes in the stuff. I'm sure they do that kind of stuff. So this wasn't the whole party. No, that was phase one of the party. Have you been drinking at this point yet no

nobody had drank that that was what was great about it because we went out there at like noon and uh every you had to drive out because it was in like oh okay airdrie which is uh outside of calgary so you had to like drive everybody had to drive so there's no drinking and then we went back to my brother's house for a bit. And then we got on a party bus, which is, man. Yeah, okay. What is that? That is a bus where you're allowed to just be an asshole.

Now, you say you got on a party bus. Yeah. Was it like a bus that had a route that you hopped on? Like it's just a party and then you just get on and off of the party bus. You pay your party fare, you show your booth. It's like you rent this thing and they took us up to Banff.

Oh, wow. And you just turn into a monster when you're on one of these things because it's just you're driving. The guy puts up the thing the divider between you and him and you drink you just start drinking right away and play music as loud as it possibly this system will handle and you just you know weird l songs yeah you moon people and you just turn into a you just turn into an ape so fast.

They had champagne flutes, so we just used all of them. It was just like anything you could use, we did. And the guy, the driver, I asked him, because I was like, God damn it, we were so obnoxious. And he was like, oh, no, this is my job. That's exactly what happens on every single trip. guys were easy i took an oath and then yeah and then we went drinking in in banff so there was like a ton of drinking yeah after the the shooting but also we've been out in the sun for hours and hours so like the drain just hit everybody so hard that uh by yeah we were like everybody was completely out of it i hear people going

like people spend a lot of money on their on these parties because like like i've heard of like groups of people going to vegas yeah and then you still have to then go home and then fly somewhere else for the weather. Yeah. Yeah. It was good. My brother's friends, they're a really fun group of guys. And a lot of them are married. So this was like a fun, like, I'm just going to get wicked drunk.

But it was also you could tell that a lot of them were realizing, hey, we can't, uh, we can't drink like we used to be able to. I think there is dawning on a lot of them. I went out, uh, I have some friends, old friends from here and we went out on a, not even a steak. It was just, Hey, the guys are free for a night. Let's go drinking. And I, uh, you know, I just pointed and have a child that is a number of years ago now. And I was all excited. Great.

And eight o'clock we meet at the pub. By 1030, one of them was pissing off the balcony of the guy's house that we were at in Yaletown. And by 11 o'clock, everybody was gone. Everybody's gone home. And I'm like, I'm just getting started. Maybe I do have a problem. I don't know. Yeah.

I guess this is growing up. I think Blink-182. Blink-182 said it best. Yeah, absolutely. And that was it. Did you have somewhere to stay that night, or did you drive back in the party bus? I was very smart,

because both my father and the father of the bride both were at this bachelor party. Oh, I wouldn't want that. Yeah, but you know what? There was nothing. Like, if there were strippers, because that's an option that this bus offers. Really? In the bus?

In the bus. Oh, no, thank you. Yeah, and my brother said, like, they tried to upsell him on the stripper in the bus. They weren't on the bus, the strippers. Well, no, that's something they offer. That's something they offer. Like, you can be on the bus and go, like, I changed my mind. Let's get her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to decide beforehand. Yeah, there's not just a stripper, like, hanging out on the bus and go, I changed my mind. No, no, no. No, no, no. You have to decide beforehand. There's not just a stripper hanging out on the bus. He's in the corner on the bus. Tell me it's an emergency. Pull this. And a stripper comes out. But my brother, I feel like my brother was correct in not opting for that. Because having to be around your family and a stripper oh would be very detrimental

right it wouldn't be that wouldn't be fun at all and it would be hard for her because she'd be like oh this is what i never had um but yeah it was it was uh it's a lot of fun but like i know i can't drink like that yeah they're just learning know I can't drink like that. Yeah. They're just learning that they can't drink like that. But did the night end back in Calgary or in Banff? No, in Banff. Everybody stayed in Banff.

I stayed with the two fathers. Oh, in the dad room? I stayed in the dad room, which was the greatest decision I've ever made in my life. Really? Yeah, because, you know, these guys, they've rented these, like, chalets, but there was, like, 20 of them. So most of them were going to end up sleeping on the floor. And so I was like, I'm not doing that. And did they just tell, like, war stories or something?

No, like, I left them at one in the morning and we went and passed out. They kept going. The dads kept going. No, the dads left. I'm so confused. The strippers kept going. What is going on?

This is what happens when you have a kid at home. You can't follow anything that goes more than two minutes. But yeah, it was fun. It was one of the, like, the last time I was at a bachelor party was they did go-karts, and I got whiplash when a guy T-boned me. So this was more fun than that. Yeah, you just got bruises and bleeding hands. Yeah, and also the guide.

He was the oldest guy there, right? He'd been there a lifetime of shooting. And he was trying to coach us a bit. But then I noticed over several tries that he just slowly just, hey, what do you feel like shooting at? Go in that direction over there. I get paid either way. So when is the wedding? September 13th.

And are you invited to that? No. Yeah, so I brought my present to the bachelor party. Watch the groom throw up on it. Throw up into a toaster oh that would be a weird tradition if you brought the gifts to the bachelor party and just watched everybody throw up oh man well do you want to move on to overheards okay all right do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food?

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Come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org. I'm Carrie Poppy. I'm Ross Blotcher. And we make a show. Oh no, Ross and Keri. Oh no! We investigate fringe science.

Spirituality. Religious groups. Alternative therapies. We put ourselves through a lot of uncomfortable situations. So that you don't have to. Because, really, why would you? For example, I watched a tube be inserted into Ross' anus. That's true, but it sounds terrible out of context.

We've tried penis and breast enlargement pills. We spent six months undercover becoming Mormons. We hung out with the 9-11 truthers. The UFO cult, the Raelians. And we're going to do more. It's one of the newest shows on MaximumFun.org. Overheard. Overheard. Overheards.

A segment in which all of you out there and all of us in here share things that we've overheard. Absolutely. We always like to start with the guest. We can start with Dave and work our way back around. If you're interested in that. I'll tell a quick over read. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Anything is everything.

And then an over read and then we'll see. Okay. All right. Start us off. I don't listen to other people, but I went away to school. I went to a private school called St. John's School of Alberta, just outside of Edmonton. And we live close to, the school is close to a Hutterite colony and we'd buy all of our eggs.

What's a Hutterite? It's like an Amish without cars. Yeah. Yeah. Like a Hutterite. Amish without cars? Yeah. Unlike those Amish when they're hot rods.

Exactly. Exactly. Like they had one phone. Hot rod Amish. They have one phone on the property. They're like Canadian. I don't think Hutterites exist in the States. I think they are kind of like.

Maybe like Canadian Amish. Yeah. Canadian Amish. Yeah. There you go. There's your reality show. So they'd, and they have some challenges, I guess, with inbreeding. And that's just because their population is so small.

It's not a challenge to them either. Because what they do is they actually look for stud fees. They look to bring in people. So if you are light haired, light eyed, I can't remember what the criteria is. I'm light haired. I'm light eyed. Do they want you to marry them? No.

No. And this is what was interesting. Oh, you just go in. And this was the over read. So at the school, we had a bulletin board for all the students. And I guess the Hutterites were delivering the eggs and they thought it was a bulletin board just for the staff, I guess. Okay. And so they put up like a help wanted poster looking for a stud.

It was $500 that they were paying. What? Yeah. Do they still do this? Well, this was the case. It was $500 that they were paying. What? Yeah. Do they still do this? Well, this was, okay, so. I won $500. When I read this, this was 20 years ago when I was in high school. About 20 years ago when I was in high school.

And, uh, but yeah, it was $500. They put it up the description of the people that they were looking for. And, uh, uh, something about a return engagement if needed. Held over for another week. One of the, one of the, one of the staff apparently went. Wow. I did this and it's, it was.

It's not like donating to a sperm bank. This was an actual encounter. It was loose. Yes. I mean, it was an actual physical encounter but not i mean uh no kissing on the mouth they would be playing weird al for sure at this encounter like there's nothing romantic the elders are there and apparently you never actually see the woman there's just a blanket and a hole basically elders are in the room apparently yeah and they're so elderly yeah i

mean i don't even know their fingers are so bony and crackly then yeah in the middle? Apparently, yeah. They're so elderly. Their fingers are so bony and crackly. Then, yeah, in the middle of it, one of them starts opening up a hard candy. Stop it, elders! The Werther. Oh, yeah, yeah.

What kind of Hutterite are you? Oh, you look like Matlock. I don't know what that is, because I'm Hutterite. I've seen the Matlock. I don't know what that is because of water. Yeah. I've seen the Matlock play. And so it was up for about five minutes and I just happened to over read it.

Yeah. I wasn't supposed to hear it. I hear it was up for about five minutes. That's amazing. I can't believe that's a thing. Yeah, that's a thing.

So yeah, anyway, yeah. Congratulations. Yeah, that's great. I don't believe that's a thing. Yeah, that's a thing. So, yeah, anyway, yeah. Congratulations. Terrific. Yeah, that's great. I don't know if I could perform in a room full of elders. How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes? Even if there was one elder, I would be like, oh, no, I can't do this. Are you lost?

I think your grandma's watching us. I'm cool with it. I don't even like the dog in the room oh it just let me go oh wow good times yeah oh my goodness uh Dave, do you have an overheard? Yes. Okay. I have my phone out looking for it. This happened at the PNE. Yeah.

One of the features of the fair is every year they give away a house. The PNE Prize Home Lottery. And you buy a ticket. It's on the grounds. And it's been like, like oh it was designed by a former bachelorette that is true yeah uh jillian michaels is that her name yeah she's a uh she's really an interior designer she's held on to that she's riding out that 15 minutes no good for her yeah her. Yeah, I'm not saying nothing. And it's always like you can win this beautiful house and live far away. It's a beautiful house that they could not afford the property of in Vancouver.

That's right. It's always like on an island or in the interior. On a pontoon. It's a beautiful house. In Haida Gwaii. But you're going to have to spend half of your life. It's nicer than the house you live in. Yeah.

But you can't live there. Also, 100,000 people have tromped through it and touched everything. Yeah. So just so you know, everything in the house has been touched by strangers. Yeah, by people looking for a cheap thrill on a summer day. It's a herpes house

is what you're saying. It's basically the herpes house. I would hide a deep fried something under, you know, a lamp and then call them

a year later and be like, lift up your lamp. You think when they put the house, I guess they move the entire house. Yeah. Furnishings and all. house, I guess they move the entire house. Yeah.

Furnishings and all. Yeah. They don't move any of the lamps. No. This is going to stay completely level. Have you seen that like super low budget Canadian reality show called House Movers or something like that? Oh yeah. No, but this is manufactured housing.

So it actually breaks into pieces. Does it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't lift a 4,000 square foot house up and take it up the Sea to Sky Highway. But there is that. People do that. Yeah, there is that.

Yeah, absolutely. Or put it on a barge. Yeah. That's true. Smith and Smith moving. Smith and Smith, I think, does it on the island. Does that red green in his wife? Exactly. That and Smith moving. Smith and Smith, I think, does it on the island. Does that red green in his wife? Exactly.

That's an old, that dates us all right now. The, yeah, and they would bring, because you can buy houses cheap on the island and people would bring them over here and put them under lots. Really? Yeah. Cheaper than building a new house.

Yeah. You can buy a house for like 50 grand and have it brought over. Fun. Yeah. Good times. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, so everywhere at the PNE, they have people selling tickets for the prize home lottery.

Yeah. Like, get your prize home lottery tickets. And like every, you know, 100 feet you walk, there's another kiosk set up with people selling tickets. And we just overheard this one guy that sounded pretty tired of it and he was like get your lucky prize home tickets here and get it over with so yep what was the guy was selling tickets yes okay he wasn't selling a house but it is it is sort of um aren't tickets like 100 bucks or something i think they're at least like 25 50 but it's it's yeah no it's uh i guess it's sort of like what he meant to say was like do it now so you don't

forget later but what it came out was just get it over with yeah you know you're gonna do it now so you don't forget later but what came out was just get it over with yeah you know you're gonna do it you're gonna waste your money on this dumb dumb house this beautiful house that you can never live in your beautiful house so dumb can't you take isn't it one of those things where you take the house or you can take the money one point four million or something yeah imagine all the houses you could buy with that. One maybe. Maybe one in Vancouver. Now, do you have an overheard? I do.

Mine is courtesy of a parent-kid combo. Oh, yeah. A parent-kid conference. On the city transit. And the mom was trying to threaten the kid. Oh, good. Because the kid was rangy and jumping all over the place. Rangy?

Yeah, that's something my mom used to say we were. Rangy. Like orangutans, I guess. Like orangutans, sure. So this kid was jumping all over the bus, and the mom said, if you keep doing that, you're not going to be able to watch any TV. And the kid's retort was, I don't even watch TV anymore, except for Dr. Phil.

Oh, what kid watches Dr. Phil? Oh, boy, yeah, you got to learn lessons somewhere. Dr. Phil's the father I never had. He's showing me discipline you can't with your dumb tv threats yeah it's just my mom and dr phil growing up well that's one thing like as an upcoming father i'm like oh but there's so many like what what's the term you have to use now like no devices yeah Yeah, no tablets. The cloud is off limits to you. Oh, no screens.

The screens, yeah. And they're sneaky, too. Like, even today, my daughter's four and a half years old. Sorry, four and a half months old. Oh, how they grow up. We have kind of a rule if the TV's on, which isn't often,

but if we're trying to watch the news or whatever. It's PSO if we're trying to watch the news or whatever. We always, she's always a masterpiece theater. She's always facing away from the television. So if she's in her, you know, she's facing away from the TV and the TV is low and I'm holding her and we're playing and I'm like, what's going, what are you looking at?

I realize she's looking at the reflection of the TV over my head in the glass wall behind me. Yeah. TV's a temptress. There's not a glass wall in his house. Don't throw stones. Um, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No, like you see kids with, and they can't take their eyes off of it. No. And then you see adults and they can't take their eyes off of it. It's the greatest. If I'm out at a sports bar, I can't, my eyes will just. Even if you don't care about the sport. Yeah. That's true.

Yesterday, we were having drinks after work. It was someone's last day at work. And we were outdoors, but I could see inside the bar. And it was the first day of the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament. And they had like a concert on a tennis court with like dancers. I didn't know they did this. Neither did I. It was something to behold.

And it was on mute as well. But you still stood there and watched it? Yeah. I love to chat, but there's a TV 60 feet away. You know, you did remind me of when I was a kid, I was on a bus, and this might have been my first overheard ever. Parents, take note of your child's first overheard. Put it in their baby book.

Have it bronzed. Well, this actually involves a baby, but not really a baby. But the kid was at the back screaming, having a really bad time. And the mom's just can't seems to quiet the kid down. And the kid's just inconsolable, but we, I can't make out what the kid's saying, but as the kid screams, it becomes slowly more audible and you can discern, you can hear what, and the kid's shouting booby or titty. It was one of those booby, I want booby.

And it was a five-year-old kid who wanted to be breastfed and the mom just finally, like, oh, fine, fine. Really? Yeah, and fed the kid. And so that, to this day,

I've always said, like, you know, it's kind of negotiable when you stop breastfeeding a kid. Yeah, wasn't there, like, a Time magazine thing? Yeah, Attachment Parenting, which we're kind of fans of

in so much as give your kids love yeah well why is that a magazine article when they can say but when the kid can says mom may i supple upon your breast no it's it's time to say no it's time to put the boob down and walk away and my book the kid's gonna remember it i think it's too late. Like, do you have any memories of breastfeeding? Nope. No. We also have overheards

that have been sent in by listeners. If you want to send one in, you can send it in. If the kid can take a selfie while doing it. Yeah. Move over, Mom.

Hashtag boobs. You can send in your overheards to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Mariah from Sudbury, Ontario. Okay. This is overheard while babysitting. So I was playing on my phone, and when the little girl I babysit, who's eight years old, comes up to me and asks,

can I touch your phone? Me? Sure. She touches my Facebook profile picture. The girl asks, what was that? Me? Facebook. Oh my God, I touched Facebook.

Very cute. Cute. Can I touch your phone? What did I touch? It's like a blind person feeling your face. Oh, your phone's very handsome. Yeah. What if different apps felt differently?

Oh, that's got to be on the horizon. That's got to be a thing. So that you don't even have to look at your phone, you can just feel. That's how blind people have watches like that, the analog watches with the glass flips back and they can touch their hands.

This will happen. This is happening. I was about to say Steve Jobs No he's not on that Okay never mind You know they Put most of his brain

Into a computer I'm sure And there's probably A computer And they put the computer Into Ashton Kutcher Did you ever see that movie? I saw the Ashton Kutcher Jobs movie

How was it? The best movie It's the best movie It's the best movie He perfected The phone I think it really captured The essence of Apple The best movie. It's the best movie. It's the best movie. He perfected the phone. I think it really captured the essence of Apple because I was on my phone half the time. There's a message there because you could be distracted for the entire movie.

And still feel somewhat satisfied. Was there two? No, there's another one in the making okay yeah I thought that there was another yeah

Jobs movie I think Aaron Sorkin's writing it it's a more animated light hearted one though yeah yeah yeah they captured all

those expressions it's gonna be like that crazy Tom Hanks movie yeah but they're using Tom Hanks' dead but they're using Tom Hanks dead eyes For I am your conductor, Steve Doss.

Innovate. Innovate. Things different. This next overheard comes from Lloyd P. Parts unknown. Just had an overheard. Was walking in the park and happened to be behind a bright purple haired lanky teenager who was an overheard machine. The best was to his normal-looking girl he was with.

Have you seen the Jim Carrey movie Yes Man? That movie changed my life. I can see how that would work. Yeah, I guess. Say yes to everything. It was a book, right? It was a book. No, it was a movie. No.

They wrote a book based on the movie. All the best books happen that way. Yeah. Batman Returns. Mm-hmm. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the new one. Asterix. Yep.

Yeah. This last one comes from Kristen, is an American who recently moved to Canada. Yeah. Welcome. Yeah, exactly. This is, I think when an American moves to Canada, you get an iPod full of episodes of our show. Yeah. And an angel gets its wings.

Yeah. And you also get a, you know, a chart to your, your favorite characters from due south. Yeah. And in a couple of years care yeah yay you learn uh all the different spellings of things that we do here yeah throw you in there sometimes when in doubt throw in a u yeah yeah yeah if you're unsure that's a good rule of thumb after an o throw in a u yeah you learn to use the metric system sometimes yeah and then other times it doesn't apply yeah it's like i don't want i don't want to know how many centimeters tall you are yeah

or how many kilograms you weigh yeah yeah out of that um this is from downtown montreal i was walking to work in the music library at mcgill uh and there were two undergrads on the stairs outside the library talking about places to get free food. Suddenly, one of them said really loudly, And if you win the contest, they deliver $100 worth of nuts to your apartment. What kind of contest is this? Places to get free food, a soup kitchen. Yeah, exactly.

Soup kitchen. You know, there's, I believe, Sikh temples. Oh, exactly. Soup kitchen. You know, there's, I believe, sake temples. Oh, yeah. They put on a weekly free dinner. Nut draw? Oh, yeah, they do. They do. A weekly free nut draw.

Oh, come on, pistachio. Well, you're from Alberta. Did you ever partake in a meat draw? I know of meat draws Yeah All the time They have them here as well Yeah

Like the Legion Yeah I just like the way You said Legion It was still a little The Legion The Legion Well where else

Would you get a meat draw? That's a good point In Vancouver Yeah not at a dance club Yeah They stopped them Using it for 20 minutes They don't have them

At like Whatever other businesses Are there in Vancouver Yeah, not at a dance club. They stopped the music for 20 minutes. They don't have them at like whatever other businesses are there in Vancouver. Sensory deprivation bars. Oxygen bars. Sensory deprivation bars. You're just all in a tank. That's the name of the bar. Tank.

Do you come here often? Yeah, I can't hear you. The name of the bar Tank Yeah Do you come here often? Shh Yeah I can't hear you The name of the bar is Shush In addition to overheards That are written in We also accept

Your phone calls If you want to call us Our phone number is 206-339-8328 Like these people have Hello Dave Graham And Lovely guest

This is Luke in Seattle Calling in with an overheard I was just Like these people have. Hello, Dave Graham and lovely guests. This is Luke in Seattle calling in with an overheard. I was just going for a swim at Green Lake in Seattle, and I saw a mom dragging her little kid into the women's bathroom, a little boy. And the little boy was yelling in his tiny, squeaky little boy voice, But mom, I'm a man! a little boy and the little boy was yelling in his tiny squeaky little boy voice but mom no you're not yeah it's true it's uh did i tell the story about the the guy at um the havana restaurant that uh i guess he needed to go to the bathroom but he was there with his daughter so he brought the daughter in and she had like a napkin wrapped

around her eyes. That was the cutest thing. He's like I just I didn't know what to do. I was like this was the best solution. It was the best of all solutions. When I was 12 or 13 years old I remember my grandmother had, uh, my my grandparents were lying in bed in a V shape. In a V shape. You know, horse runs around and we tied their heads together. And, uh, and that's where, they would always

lie down for their afternoon nap and they had a little thing along the window that we could sit in and we just talked to my grandparents. I don't even know how this came up, but I just remember my grandmother saying now Toby, the male is not physically ready to have sex until his erection can go past his navel. What?

I know. And it caught me off guard. And especially at that age, I was like, I'm nowhere close. Yeah. I don't know. What about fat kids? Yeah.

And all I could think to say was, uh, and how does Papa measure up? And Holly, she tapped him on the shoulder. He does just fine. Don't you worry about him. Aww. And I have no idea. Like it's, it's really profound memory, but I have no idea how we got there. Wait, up to your navel?

Navel? Yeah. Until I can go past your navel. Past your navel. I honestly don't even. Now I'm going to go home and check. Yeah. I don't know if I'm going to go home and check yeah I don't know if I'm ready for intercourse

I haven't thought about that story until I just heard the overheard oh man it's weird I don't remember the only bit of thing I remember from my grandma like a wisdom thing she said like oh

because I was smoking cigarettes oh yeah everybody you just smoke cigarettes and then you like a wisdom thing is that she said like oh because I was smoking cigarettes and she goes oh yeah everybody you just smoke cigarettes and then you then you have to you become 20 years old

and you have to quit like you just once you become an adult you don't smoke cigarettes anymore that's a kid thing to do it's for kids I saw someone like

and I was like I don't remember that being like yeah she's right I see fewer and fewer people smoking cigarettes and it's weirder and weirder when you see someone isn't it yeah you don't they're not pulling this off yeah and i uh a lot of times still there's people that get on the bus and they've just had a cigarette and you're like what the fuck yeah what this is the worst

fucking smell in the world and you're right in close proximity. Have you even tried a cigarette? Like a puff of something? No. Well, it's never come up. Since you quit. Yeah, since I quit. No, no. But how many sticks of gum do you chew a day? Hundreds.

In the thousands. Didn't you go through a phase where you were addicted to the gum? Nicotine gum, yeah. Yeah. For years. For years and years. I don't know about that. I didn't quit because I wanted to. I got very sick and I had to quit. That's why I quit.

You got sick like just a cold sick? No, like my lungs were just. Oh, forget it. Yeah, like I couldn't do it. Yeah, yeah. The doctor was like, you got to quit. The doctor said, I'm not going to treat you until you quit smoking. Oh.

Yeah. Which I was like, I don't know if doctors are allowed to do that. I wonder if that was even a doctor. I'm just not going to treat you. Some guy at a casino. 21. Perfect. I'm not going to hit you until you quit smoking.

Here's your next phone call hey dave hey graham it's my 21st birthday i'm drunk dialing you also i haven't overheard i was at the grocery store and a small child walked up to the meat counter with a summer sausage in a plastic packaging, and he said to his mother, Will this last me 80 days? And she said, Go wait in the van. Uh, yeah.

What's a summer sausage? I don't know. Isn't it like a big sausage? Is it like a smoked thing? Like it's big sausage? Is it like a smoked thing? Like it's dried out? No, it's like a, you know, like Cuba sausage. It's kind of like the smaller, like a coil. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always thought a summer sausage was like the size of your wrist. Oh, like a giant. And if it can reach to your navel. You are ready for intercourse. And share that sausage with the person you love. Wow. Sausage is good. Yeah.

Summer sausage. It does sound nice. Yeah. Light. Breezy. Yeah. Eat it in a hammock. Yeah, eat it in a van.

Down by the river. Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guest. I just saw a church billboard that said, give us your tired, poor, and hungry. And the quote was attributed to the Statue of Liberty and God. Who was there first? Who said it first? The big two.

Who were better? They collaborated for a while. They were like Lennon and McCartney When I was a kid I'll never forget seeing a sign up In Edmonton there was a church In an IGA And the IGA had a

Sorry the church had a sign up saying God saves And the IGA said We save you more Going across the windows That's like a fun That's a fun, that's a fun thing. If you can play some sort of back and forth with your signs. The classic one was Jesus saves and Gretzky puts it in on the revamp. Ah!

Sam never heard that. That's good. I like, it seems more and more there there's people posting funny church billboards. The churches are getting funnier. Is church getting funnier? Yeah, churches have had, you know how like when you're doing stand-up, it takes you about 2,000 years to get funny? Yeah.

It's like you look back on sets from 600 years ago and you're like, oh my, I was so impressive. Yeah, you're like, man, that was so BC. That was mostly my BC material. You think the church existed before Christ? Yeah. Here's the funny thing about you going to hell. Okay, so.

There's, isn't Steve Harvey, he's like super religious, right? So it's like there's more. I believe so, yeah. I feel like there's more comedy in the church. Oh, yeah. now than ever before probably uh that there's a religious ventriloquist guy oh somebody told me about a religious ventriloquist guy i was hoping one of you guys had heard of him would get on board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Christ Pete. Christ Pete. Christ on a stick.

There we go. Oh, that didn't work out. It did for me. Please welcome Christ Pete, everybody. No, Christ Pete. Oh, I thought it was just Christ Pete. No, no, no. Christ Pete.

Yeah. Eh, still good. No. Oh, Lordy. Well, that brings us to the end of this here show. Holy smokes. Yeah. It's so hot in this room, you guys.

I'm so glad we made it. Yeah. It is. Yeah. I'm so glad none of us dropped dead. I'm glistening. You don't want to see this seat when I get up, though. Yeah.

I'm glistening like a summer sausage. Toby, do you have any things that you want to plug? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. No, you know what? Just support comedy. There you go. Just in general.

There you go. Listen to the podcast. There we go. If you want to go over to MaximumFun.org, check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Maybe a picture of you not sitting on the Game of Thrones throne. Yeah. I'll post a picture of Jamaican me juicy. Mm-hmm.

There we go. We're all on Instagram. Yeah. Follow us on Instagram. Are you just, uh, you Toby Hargrave? I'm Toby Hargrave, yeah. No, not Hargrave. Damn it.

Damn it. A hundred percent. I am consistent. I'm going to go get Toby Hargrave's just on the outside. Right? Why do I? I don't. I don't know.

But it's like a thing we got now. It's kind of cute. It's fun. Thanks for being our guest. Dude, thank you so much for having me. This is great. It was a real treat. It was a real pleasure. And I'll see you episode seven.

Six. Yeah. Seven. Eight. Something. Yeah. Probably 620 something. Yeah.

Perfect. Okay. Yeah. It was great. Yeah. Thank you for doing it. It was great. Yeah. Thank you for doing it. If you like the show, please do tell your friends

and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.