Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 338 - Kevin Lee

Episode Date: September 8, 2014

Kevin Lee returns to talk about New Zealand, baby preparation, and nature.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 338 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who you better promise him that you'll get him back in time. Ba, ba, ba, ba, na, oh, ba, na, na, na, na, na, na. That song is so great that even though it, I guess it's not very great.

Well, it was pretty great. It's so not great that even though it has the whole plot of Back to the Future in it, and it was specially commissioned by Robert Zemeckis for Huey Lewis to make this song, he was like, I think I like the other Huey Lewis song better. And he put the other one in it like 10 times. Louis song better. Yeah, I like the one. And he put the other one in it like 10 times. And our guest today is a returning guest, a man who went abroad and is now back at home

in Vancouver. The man who went up a hill abroad. Yeah. Came back a mountain. What? Very funny comedian, Mr. Kevin Lee is our guest. Hello. Oh, no.

Nope, that's as far as my accent's going to go. Welcome back. Thanks. Thanks for having me back to Canada. Yeah. To this podcast. Yeah.

We had to write to the border on your behalf. Can Kevin come back in time, please? Bam, bam, bam, bam. Should we get to know us? Yeah.

Yeah. Get to know us. Now, Kevin, when we last spoke, actually, here's what happened. I think we had you on the show last spring. Yeah. And then you were like, I'm moving to New Zealand. And we were like, oh, you should come back on the show so we could talk to you before you leave. Because we didn't know if we'd ever see you again.

Yeah, no one did, apparently. Everyone thought I was dead and treated me as such. New Zealand, the place where living people go to appear. And then you were like, oh, it looks like I'm not going to New Zealand after all. And so we were like, well, we don't need to have you on the show. We just had you on. Yeah. Yeah.

It was very close to the last appearance. And then you left. And then you went to New Zealand. Then I was like, bah, bah, bah, goodbye. I am technically dead now. That's their national anthem. It is. But with a fun accent.

So tell us about your adventure. Yeah. So the reason about your adventure. Yeah. So the reason that happened was because my partner was about to get a job in New Zealand and then it didn't seem like she was going to get a job in New Zealand due to visa issues. And then she got one again. So then we left and went there and she worked her job. Was it just like,

did she forgot to pay her bill or? No, she was working for a big special effects company. That was my visa issues joke. Oh, I get it. I get it oh i get it i get it let's go back in time we'll appreciate it um really hamming it up you guys sorry this is the thing about living in new zealand for a year almost by yourself is you get really excited to

talk to people yeah well it's exciting to have you here thanks um yeah so she uh it was due to visa uh it was due to visa issues she uh couldn't get a master card ah there we go here we go got it second time's a charm um uh no no just start start again with it was due to visa issues so yeah it was due to visa issues she worked for a dinner car discovery dinner diners club um yeah so so basically that her company got not busted but they were getting uh in trouble in the media about bringing too many foreign workers abroad and so she was one of those foreign workers and abroad oh yeah absolutely um and uh she yeah they were basically like oh we can't bring you down and then a couple weeks

later they're like ah don't worry about it we'll bring oh, we can't bring you down. And then a couple of weeks later, they're like, ah, don't worry about it. We'll bring you down. Don't bring me down. What's that? That's a song. I thought that was a burp. Wait, which song were you singing? The Beatles one or the other one?

The other one. Oh, okay. Don't bring me down. And that's the one. I've been out of the country too long. Yeah, it was the biggest hit while you were gone. The one I know in New Zealand is... Nope, can't do it.

Don't bring me down. What were you going to do? Don't bring me down. Don't bring me down. You really didn't meet any people while you were there. I met no one. The first person I spoke to when I was there was a friend of Emmett Hall, past guest. A friend of Emmett Hall's was touring Gary, was doing a tour from...

I love touring Gary. I love touring Gary. He's a great guy. And he, because he put up with me when he showed up, we let him crash with us for a night. And he showed up and I was like, a person. So I was like, what are you doing? What's going on? This is what it felt like in my mind to talk to somebody for the first time in four months.

Looking at his confused face, tired. So you. I'm killing somebody right now. And it's me. Your partner. My partner. Had visa issues. Yeah.

You had no visa issues. You had no visa issues. You had nothing to do all day. Well, I did get a visa just so that they would let me into the country. Okay. But you couldn't work or anything? I technically could work, but no one wanted to hire me. That's the thing about the holiday visa

that has an expiry date. As many people are like, don't want to bother. You're not going to stay around. Could you just have gotten a job just to kill time? That's what I was going for. And they were like, even then,

they're like, no. We need a higher class of lower class people. Yeah, we're only looking for the finest long-term baristas. We need the highest laying layabouts. What? Can you guys please edit a lot of this? How?

No, how? So what were you doing all the live long day? Great question. Working on the railroad? I was. No, I was writing. I was doing a lot of writing down there. Nice.

So I was working on a lot of my own personal writing, my memoir. Yeah. A chocolate bar from too far. A chocolate bar from too far? Yeah. That's your memoir? That's my memoir, a chocolate bar from too far. Does every line rhyme?

No. Is it poetic? No. Is it about your time when you ran a chocolate factory? Yes. Yeah. And i turned into a blueberry they captured my story and now you're taking it back yeah now i'm reclaiming it yeah uh yeah no i was just doing a lot of personal writing. Scripts, characters. It sounds so dumb. I did get a short story published, though, while I was down there, which is great.

It's on littlefiction.com. That's good. It's called Mental Notes, so that's out there. What's your nom de plume? My nom de plume? Mm-hmm. It's Kvorshlor. What's that?

It's a horrible nom de plume. Kvorshlor. What's that? It's a horrible number. Come forward. What is that? It's nonsense. It's nonsense words. Oh, Dave, it's garbage. It's nothing. I don't know.

Was it like a reference to something, or was it just like the worst syllables ever? It just fell out of me. Oh, because your name is Kevin Lee. That's Kevin Lee. That was very good. Thank you. It was like, you know what it was? It was too quick. Yeah. It That's Kevin Lee. That was very good. Thank you. It was like, you know what it was? It was too quick.

Yeah. It was too quick and it was too natural. Oh, thank you. Kvorsh lore. That's what all the ladies say about something. Now, speaking of ladies and your partner. Oh, yes. You are recently, you're an engaged gentleman an engaged i am engaged that's right yes

congratulations thank you very much did you when did you where did you how did you do it okay take us through it every boy every boy listening is imagining their day yeah every boy grows up picturing how he's gonna do it yeah every good boy is sitting there deserving fudge and i when i was a little boy i wished that's why it's a chocolate bar too far yeah it was called a fudge too smudged um that was the working title um yeah when i was a little boy i wish i had some podcasts to pattern my engagement after yeah sure yeah um yeah so uh basically uh She and I are very practical about it We talked about it

Very frankly About getting married And you know We love each other And we want to spend The rest of our lives together Which means we'll probably Get married

You gave her an engagement bicycle That's right I gave her an engagement bicycle Yeah I gave her something She can use I gave her an engagement short story Which she Did not publish

Kvors She's like Who is this Kvors I would not marry like, who is this Kvorsh? I would not marry this guy. He is unsuitable as a husband. And she is Data, I guess? She is Brent Spiner.

Cute. Oh, that's cute. So, yeah, we talked about it very frankly. So it kind of came up that she sort of knew that it was going to happen on this trip back. So we're coming back here and she's actually going back to New Zealand and I'm staying. And we kind of knew that it was going to happen in this span. However, she didn't know anything about the ring or how it was going to happen or when it was going to happen. She'd never seen the ring?

Nope. It's the thing that goes on her finger. The Naomi Watts film? Yes. That's right She didn't see the ring But she had a grudge too Here's how I proposed I was in a video

And then I started crawling Through the TV Yeah And I threw a horse down a well I think happened in that movie Yeah maybe It was a long time ago Scared me

Yeah And now that you've watched this video You'll be engaged in a week Yeah Anyone who watches this No happened in that movie? Yeah, maybe. It was a long time ago. Scared me. Yeah. And now that you've watched this video, you'll be engaged in a week. Yeah. Anyone who watches this movie. I'll have to get somebody else to watch this. Oh, wow.

Yeah, so she didn't know about it, but she knew about it. So I had to kind of create a diversion. So I called her sister, who was a chef in town, and I asked her

what a fancy restaurant to go to. I called her sister who was a chef in town and I asked her what a fancy restaurant to go to and I asked her to cook this ring into a chili I asked her is there a hot dog small enough that can go this ring can go on put it in a nice little chili dog I don't hate that idea at all I called the chef and I said, what finger-shaped foods are there that I can put this ring on that are still highly sexual? Well, we got some popsicles here.

We got some hot dogs. She's from New York. She's from the Bronx. The Bronx part of Salt Spring Island. I forgot that the chef character in this was her sister. She's from the Bronx. The adopted me that I'm real thankful.

Hey, I'm adopted here. Stuff like that. That's a very becoming accent. So, yeah. So, we booked aervation at a fancy restaurant And I told her I was like Tell me the restaurant

The Farmer's Apprentice I haven't heard of it You haven't heard of it? I haven't heard of it You have heard of it? Yeah Is it good? Well it's fancy

Well you Did you not go? We haven't gone yet That's the thing I booked it for a few days After the My planned engagement Which was like right after we got here

And then she Then she was like Oh things are coming up Let's move it Thank you This is very complex yeah and most of it is boring it's very sweet um so uh uh so we booked this thing i made sure i planted seeds like that her sister would know and i told marie my my partner i prefer partner fiance we'll get to that uh i told her that like oh i booked this restaurant it's fancy it's just the two of us

you know your sister recommended it i felt like that was enough seeds for her to be like oh well the engagement's gonna happen there it's gonna put it on a pig's trotter and bring it out real gross it's farmed a table open the pig's mouth it's in the apple in the pig's mouth It's on the world's smallest beet But the most phallic If you're looking at my genitals Definitely Red

Anyway Oh you put it on something that looks like your genitals So romantic How can I say no I'm hungry and heart warmed And horny Hungry heart warmed horny The three H's

Triple H The wrestler Those are the three H's We spoiled it for everyone What do they stand for Hunter Hearst Helmsley Hunter Hearst Helmsley S Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Suck it.

Oh, that's what you should have said. Yeah. When you gave her this beat. X-Pac. Do you promise to suck it for all time? Oh, God. Do you promise to NWO the New World Order? You being my wife.

That's the extent of my wrestling knowledge. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's good though. Thank you. Well placed. It's an X-Pac. Yeah. So, okay. So, the decoy. The decoy. That's the extent of my wrestling knowledge I'm sorry Yeah it was good though Thank you Well placed It's an X-Pac Yeah So

So okay So the decoy The decoy This is a long This is gonna be a long story The decoy was a dinner So the decoy was a dinner Trying to make her believe

That was it And then we have this Restaurant where we love these Soup dumplings Jiao Lim Bao These like Soup dumplings Where they're

Chinese dumplings With kind of this Pork inside And like When you cook them There there's like gelatin inside that melts. And so there's like a soup inside of the dumpling. Oh, wow. So amazing. And there's this place up at Main Street.

I'm not going to say what they are. People are just going to figure it out anyway. But it's a great place. And I took her up there because it's a place that we love and we've missed since we went to New Zealand. And the plan was to afterwards go to the Queen Elizabeth Park because we have a special memory there to walk up, walk through there and then do the proposal. This is boring. So mean. Okay.

Okay. I'll give you the special memory. I'll give you the special memory. So this is the inception of wedding stories. Davis. Oh, no. I love it. Another sip of wine. Responsible dad.

So one night when we were first going out, Marie appeared at my door and she had one of those paper lanterns and she's like, come with me. We're going to light this off and it'll be so much fun. And I was like, okay. And we biked up to Queenie park in the middle of the night and i was like this is crazy i mean i can't see any of these beautiful flowers i can smell them but i can't see this is confusing my senses uh so i felt really uneasy being in there and then we got to we found a spot and we lit the paper lantern and as people know there's it's a little candle in the middle

of this paper cylinder and the hot air from the candle fills a cylinder and we lit the paper lantern. And as people know, it's a little candle in the middle of this paper cylinder. And the hot air from the candle fills the cylinder and then raises it up in the air and lifts it off. People are familiar with ballooning. Yes. Well, you're listeners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of hot air balloon enthusiasts who will hate me now. Yeah, it's primarily a Jules Verne cast.

Yeah, a lot of people do this when they're raising. That's what they call it in the air balloon industry. That's when you're on drugs and you're in a balloon. In a balloon. I'm raising. Snort off this sandbag. I used to have,

when I was in college, there were two guys who would do nitrous oxide. Oh, yeah. And they would do it. They would fill a balloon with it. Yeah. And then suck it through the balloon.

They would dress like little boys and hold the balloon just so the cops wouldn't. Yeah. Big lollipop. And they would inhale it while they were lying upside down, like with their heads off the couches. And it scared me. I was like, these guys are going to die. This is how people die. I'm witnessing people die. That would have been,

that would have been great if you saw those guys die. They died. Oh God. I mean, because you would have been right. Anyway, you were ballooning.

You were raving. This is the extent of your guys' friendship. It's so supportive. It's like, I wish those guys had died because Dave, you would have been right.

Dave, I want you to trust your intuition more. Those guys were jer Dave, you would have been right. Dave, I want you to trust your intuition more. Those guys were jerks and you know it. Yeah. So yeah, so we went and found this spot and we lit the lantern off and it lifted up in the air. And Marie's like, oh, we should make a wish. You know, if that's what you do is you make a lovely wish, something romantic.

And so we're swept up in this moment. And you were like, oh, I hope I can fart right now. Yeah. I hope I get a dream cast yeah i hope i get a dream cast i hope i get a dream cast so it's floating up and then it suddenly makes like an abrupt left turn into the top of a tree and we're like oh and then it lights on fire like it suddenly bursts into flames like the top of a christmas tree actually on fire and we're like oh my god! All of our wishes suddenly become don't burn down Queenie Park and go to jail for burning down the Queens Park and like the exotic bird

dome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're like doing that thing, we're like shuffling from side to side. Where do we go? What are we doing? You don't have a hose. Yeah. And so we're watching it burn and then finally it just dies out and goes out. It's an evergreen.

My sisters I've told this to are like, it's an evergreen. It's not going to go out. They're not going to keep burning. They're evergreen. They never burn. Yeah. Evergreen never burn. But aren't there forests full of them that burn?

Oh, yeah. I think so. All the time. My sister is not a tree doctor. So, Dave did not like that designation i just today had to hire a certified arborist really yeah well we gotta hear about that and uh and yeah so that went out and it was it was the our positions completely flipped or she was completely like oh my god we almost burned this place down and i was like this is an amazing story how amazing so that was the place where we were going to go and i was going

to go propose to her at this tree we almost burned down right um and yeah as we so we had our dinner and she and then we she actually proposed that we go through queenie park she was like oh why don't we go for a walk through queenie park and i was like it's a good idea oh very good she's pre proposing you oh she's she did that she's done that before she's like oh when we're married we're we'll do this and that and I'm like are you proposing to me right now already yeah yeah yeah that kind of

a little bit yeah yeah I picked up what she was putting down um so we walked through Queenie and there was a lot of people there and I felt really nervous because I hadn't prepared anything to say to her uh and that I thought a lot of people would be around us watching us and me being like, I love you and you're special

and you're a rose that grew upon the grave of Seal's song for Batman Forever and that you're that's what you are to me. You're a snowflake on an eyeball. I think that happens in there.

She'd be like, what are you doing? Yeah, let's try this over again here. So I got really nervous that people would watch us and then do the thing where like, kiss her. You're so close.

Clapping, I don't want to do that. Hit her. You hit him. That's from Mr. Show, isn't it? There's one very S&M focused couple there. Choke him out. Ride him like a donkey. Call him a little piss prick.

So I didn't want that to happen. So yeah, my sister convinced me to do at least, if I wasn't going to plant anything, go down on one you know the traditional thing yeah as soon as we find the tree marie sat down on the grass so what do i have to dig a trench now exactly i thought i looked at her and i'm like i calculated the distance of my knee and i'm like i'm still gonna be taller than her i'm gonna be so tall they're like hunching over like mary yeah so threatening so that's out so i just sat next to her And she said I love you And I said I love you too And I want to spend

The rest of my life with you And she said I want to spend The rest of my life with you And then I pulled up the ring And said Will you marry me And then she cried

And said no And I said What the fuck And then you lit That tree on fire I lit that tree Right on fire Round two tree

Just a bunch of hairspray And a lighter Like in an 80s movie Where you spray Wolfman with it Or something Did you ever do that Spray a wolfman Yeah a bunch of hairspray and a lighter like in an 80s movie where you spray Wolfman with it or something. Did you ever do that?

Spray a Wolfman? Yeah. I sprayed a Wolfman but with perfume. This is my best friend and I had to convince my high school that he was a substitute teacher working on selling it

to Robert Zemeckis. Oh, wow. Great story. Very romantic. Very sweet. Yeah. Sweet, easy Beautiful cover girl Absolutely Exactly

That's what we wanted It was very simple It all worked out very well Yeah Congratulations Thanks for coming Goodbye everyone I've talked for far too long

Graham how are you doing? No no no We have more questions We want to learn more about you We want to learn more about you. We want to know more about this time in New Zealand. What was the weirdest

cultural difference? Yeah. Okay. Okay. You guys ready for this? Yeah. It's not that weird. It's probably the driving

on the other side of the road was the craziest one to get used to. Oh, shit. I didn't know they did that there. Yep. Well, sorry.

I mean, hot air ballooning on the wrong side of the road. Oh, yeah. Did you drive or was it weird as a pedestrian we took a plane there devilish grin on my face yeah you had a lot of fun with that little devil like while you were there did you drive yes you had a car uh yeah they actually set us up with a rental car to start with so they forced us to learn how to drive we were very reticent we're like we don't want to drive here this is very scary and then uh no they forced us to learn how to drive. We were very reticent. We're like, we don't want to drive here. This is very scary. And then, uh, no, they forced us to learn how to drive. And then we

tried to bike, uh, tried to bike there. We bought a couple of bikes. We're like, ah, it's so small. It's a very small town. Not that small, but. What town were you in? Wellington, pardon me. So the very Southern tip of the Northern Island. Um. Is that the Capitol? It is. It is a Capitol. Well done, Dave. I know our world capitals. You do? Yeah. I saw a few episodes Well done, Dave. I know our world capitals. You do? Yeah. I saw a few episodes of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Learned the theme song.

Did a summer camp with Rockapella. Yeah. Got the loot. Got the warrant. Got the crook. So you rode bikes and you didn't ride bikes. We did ride bikes, but one thing we didn't count on is that Wellington is extremely windy. Oh, that's why they call it Windy Welly. Yeah, that's right.

Do they call it? The Breezy City, they call it. They call it the Blowy Berg. I tried to get that going with Marie while I was there when it was really windy. I was like, there's a real blower out there. And she's like, stop it. She did not like it. When you're lonely, you put a lot on your part. It's a real blower out there and she's like stop it she did not like it when you're lonely you put a lot

on your part yeah it's a real blower it's a real blower out there you've written down like a whole list of things to try yeah to try god try and whistle you into the ocean yeah you did me oh man yeah so it's really windy so biking there is like and on a really windy day it's really windy So biking there is like On a really windy day Is like biking with somebody Like pushing you You push the microphone I push the microphone

It's like that Yeah Is it windy in here? It's like someone's pushing you around While you're on your bike Which is unsafe Because Wellington drivers

I'm going to say this And I'm sorry to all New Zealanders Who listen to your podcast Wellington drivers Be crazy Oh yeah They drive on the wrong I'm sorry to all New Zealanders who listen to your podcast. Wellington drivers be crazy. Oh, yeah. They drive on the wrong side of the road. Yeah, they are not used to it yet. It's very dangerous.

They kill a lot of cyclists. Well, there is a lot of, there are a lot of stereotypes about them. Oh, really? Like what? Well, around here, if you're like, oh, someone's from Wellington. Yeah. And they're here like, oh, yeah. You got in a car accident?

Let me guess. Was the guy from Wellington. Yeah. And they're here like, oh, yeah. You got in a car accident? Let me guess. Was the guy from Wellington? Yeah, yeah. And yeah, there's a whole other slew of them. We won't go into that. Yeah, it's racist. Oh, really? Yeah.

Are these real? No. Absolutely not. You really sold me when you guys quickly backed down. I was like, we're not going to talk about that. Wow, this might be real. Yeah. Well, we're playing off the other racial stereotype around here i got it did you when did you get it

it's been a while since i've been here guys yeah yeah you'll get right you'll be right back into the flow of things yeah um what was the what was the town or city of wellington like like was it uh was it mostly was it very tiny it mostly, was it very tiny? It's pretty small. It looks, it's very, it's spread out. I didn't. Would you say it was blowy? I would say it's blow, I would say it's blow in.

Yeah. Like a blowy burg. It's like a, it's like a blowy burg. It's a real blower out there. It's a real blower. It's a real huffer. It's a real huff and puffer. You get huffed and puffed out there.

Scratch off the list. Huffed and puffed out there? Scratch off the list. Huffed and puffed? I'm going to get my house blown down. Yeah. Oh, God's lung capacity out here today, guys. Yeah, it's... Is it sleepy? Is it like everybody's get up and go?

Is it a metropolis? What is it? It's a little bit of all those things. It's kind of a sleepy metropolis. People are walking around, but they're all in their sleep caps. Sure, wearing those masks. They're sleepwalking. Wow, that would be great.

I did not dare wake any of them up. Yeah. Oh, man, that's the most dangerous thing you can do. Wake up a Wellingtonian? Never wake a Wellingtonian. What is a... I completely forgot where that sentence was going to go.

It got blowied right out of your mind. What is a car? Thank you. A car is a four-wheeled horse that will respond to your every command. It actually has more powers than one horse.

That's a pretty good description of a car, actually. I mean, it's a horse-less carriage. Yeah, that's better. How many horsepower does a Toyota Corolla have? Six. These are questions that you should have seen coming. I should have prepared For these Yep

Yeah Like six Horsepower Do you think that 25 19 horsepower I think it's probably Above a hundred

Is it above a hundred Probably Oh my god Well what about like 50 big horses Oh yeah The five Yeah

What was Did you pick up Any local slang That was actual slang Not stuff you made up on your own Oh yeah I did send you a fake one And I wasn't sure

Yeah I could tell that was fake It was very Very fake Pardon me while I get out my phone And look up The horsepower of a Corolla Oh yeah absolutely There are some

Things like But these aren't That entertaining But like chili bin What's a chili bin? What's a chili bin? What is a chili bin? Oh, can we guess? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Chili bin. A chili bin. It's like, oh, that's going to be like a cooler. That's right. Oh, I was going to say a garbage can because that's where you throw your chili. A little chili. Oh, put as much of it down the sink as you can.

Mash up the beans. It's Wellington has very narrow drainage. Very narrow. Very, very narrow. That's another stereotype. It spins the wrong way down the drain too. Is that true?

Sorry. I turned my phone on to try and find Wellingtonian slang because again, I was mostly indoors. It doesn't specifically have to be Wellingtonian.

Are you just looking up New Zealand slang? I feel like the whole country would have the same slang. I could do that. Do we have specific slang in this city? Yeah. What's Vancouver slang there, big time Graham? No, I think there's just Canadian slang.

Yeah, but what's some New Zealand slang? Chili bin, we got. Nailed it. A lot of it is very British, which is why it's not very interesting. It's like, oh, this is naff, which is why it's not very interesting it's like oh this is naff which is like something that's not good or like i'm i've never heard that naff yeah it's back this one's real

sorry yeah yeah apologies this is my character this my character, the stalling New Zealander. Goo. Oh. Uh. Tooey. Uh. That's a beautiful character. The answer is 132 horsepower.

Oh. Well done. Hey, thanks. Naff. Chili bin. Chili bin. Tall black. Long black.

Oh, yeah. Yes, exactly. Long black, flat white. That's my favorite drink down there, which I still am not really sure how it's... What's a long black and what's a flat white? Do we need to guess? Do you know? I know what they are.

You know what they are? They're drinks? Yeah. They're coffee drinks. They're coffee drinks, yeah. Yeah, go on. A long black is like a long espresso, isn't it? Yes, and a flat white is somewhere in between

like a latte and a cappuccino, but they do something to the milk. Yeah. They dip like a bird's head in it. What? This is going to be the number one podcast on iTunes New Zealand.

Yeah. Do you hear what these guys said about us? Dip a bird's head. Just a little boop. Back to your perch. There you go. It's feeling real good.

Real peppy. Starting its work day. Like they're going to make a page just for this episode. The New Zealand episode of Stop Podcasting. We're learning. Did you learn anything about New Zealand? Aside from how to drive on the wrong side of the road?

Jim. Yeah, their accent is really hard to do. And really hard to understand at first. Especially if you're not looking people directly in the face. When I first got there. Which is what you do as a Canadian, not look people in the eye. Yeah, so you're like, oh, sorry, I will not look you directly in the face until you have tapped me twice on the head to let me know it's okay.

Until you've dipped a bird's head in my tea. One of our customs. Yes, very much so. Yeah, when i first got there we're at a hotel and i needed to get a power adapter for something uh i had to get a power adapter and i went to one of these north american ones north american ones 120 volts um i had to go get a power adapter and went out of the front desk and I asked them if there was an electronics store nearby where I could get one. What for your tail down?

Yeah, somebody chewing gum with a side ponytail and went, what for your tail down? Well, there too, he's in the bath and the water's warm enough. That's the thing I said to Grandma. So, no, I went down there and asked her, very nice lady, where to go? And she said, oh, yeah, okay, dirt shirt. And I said, what's the part of me?

Oh, dirt shirt. Dirt shirt? Did you look down? Yeah, I did, I did. But I did it like the way that you sniff your pits on a bus, like real sneaky. I was like, oh, okay. Leaned deep into the counter,

and then I was like, shoulder towards her, and then looked down. I was like, oh, okay. Leaned deep into the counter and then was like, shoulder towards her and then looked down. I was like, nope, nothing there. And then I was like, so dirt shirt. And she's like, yeah, dirt shirt. Ba-ba-da-bee, ba-ba-da-boo around the corner.

I couldn't understand her. It was terrible. What did dirt shirt mean? I'll tell you. So I made her write it down. You write it down. A person who speaks the same language as me.

Could you please write that down? I feel really embarrassed. Bubba dee boo, bubba dee bee. And so she wrote, bubba dee boo, bubba dee bee. Dave just flushed one. Dave's getting real casual, real causal faulted, really making that wine breathe. Yeah, I like to swirl it in a glass. And I don't care if I end up drinking it or not As long as it gets nicely swirled

Or it comes out of the glass It's great that the carpet is rosé colored So yeah she wrote it down And it's Dick Smith Dirt shirt Dirt shirt to Dick Smith Setting up internet over the phone was also really hard I had to get the person to slow down

Or repeat things over and over again Because if you can't watch their mouth And see their face and kind of guess what's going on, it's a little tough. Yeah, like is this person mad at me? I'm a bit of an accent dummy.

It's really hard. My brain is not connected very well to any accents and figuring them out. You have accents, Burgers? Yes, I do. Thank you very much.

Bibbidi-boo, bubbidi-bop. Bibbidi-boo, bubbidi-bop is what I heard right there. Now, you, as a gift, a special gift to us, you brung Babadaboo Babadaboo Babadaboo Was what I heard right there A dirt treat Now A dirt treat You As a gift

A special gift to us You brung some New Zealand candy New Zealand candy So they have a lot of Interesting food down there Lots of it is in the milk area Of the

Of the Grocery store Whoa whoa Is it like refrigerated? Yes Is it like reptile milk? Something like that Yeah Somebody had a Re Is it like reptile milk? Something like that?

Yeah, somebody had refrigerated reptile milk, squated out of iguana's tits. Is that your future sister-in-law? Yeah. She's there, hey, we're doing a hollandaise with an iguana's tits milk. It's pretty good. It curls up real nice. It gives a nice little mouthfeel on the palette. Is that what you want in a hollandaise sauce? That it curdles up real nice. Gives a nice little mouthfeel on the paletta.

Is that what you want in a holiday sauce? That it curdles up real nice? Yeah, it curdles up real nice. Nice little iguana chunklets. Pour that on top of your 63 degree poached eggs. Oh yeah, egg 63. Is that it? Got the degree right? So yeah, their milk things are weird.

They have, so I brought, one of my snacks I brought is pineapple lumps. Strangely, they're really into pineapples down there because they have pineapple milk, which is brown for some reason and has chunks in it. Ew, gross. Really? Did you try it? No, I did not. They also have lime flavored milk, which is very bright green.

Shamrock shake green. These pineapple lumps are brown as well. These are brown. It's covered in chocolate. They're like pineapple flavored, like hard, chewy. We'll see. Are they organic? They're local.

Oh, I like that. That's good. Right? It's like a pineapple marshmallow. It's like a pineapple, really hard, like a really chewy starburst. Mm's good. It's like a pineapple marshmallow. It's like a pineapple really hard, like a really chewy Starburst. I could see me eating these.

I see you eating these right now. Make a note in the edit at whatever, 37 minutes to turn down the chewing noise. Turn up the chewing noise. Yeah. That's not bad.

Not bad. Now, you brought a giant package of them. Were they not available in individuals? They were not available stacked like Mentos. Pop it in. The pineapple maker. So now I'm stuck with a giant bag of pineapple lumps. Oh, if you don't want them, I'll go fuck myself.

Oh, would you? I don oh would you trying to stop me uh this other thing you brought is pam's baby chalkfish a little fish with a big reputation not outside new zealand don't flatter yourself and you've had you've had all these before Oh yeah So your average day would be Sit at home, write a paragraph, eat a bunch of candy Yeah, sit at home Eat 140 grams of pineapple ups 140 grams of chocolate fish Decide what I wrote was garbage

Make up words for whatever weather pattern Is going on And this is these chocolate fish Or chocolate covered Marshmallow Those are real good So these are tasty things This is a These chalkfish Are chocolate covered Marshmallow Marshmallow Oh that's delightful Those are real good Yeah

Yeah yeah Yeah so these are tasty things Go to New Zealand Delicious They're very good I just kissed Kevin Thank you Oh boys

Oh my shirt's falling off Take out your little red beet My little red kumara That's a thing Down in New Zealand. I just remembered is a lot of the vegetables are named a different thing. Really? A beet is a kumara?

Nope. Okay. So guess what? So some of these are. Oh, God. Some of these are, you might be able to guess them because I think in like, maybe if you go to Whole Foods, they'll name it. Like it's a kind of like the fancy name, I guess.

Oh, a kiwi is a kiwi. Yeah, that's right. That is a fancy name for a kiwi. What is a courgette oh uh no no one knows no i definitely have had one in england but anyways the zucchini uh zucchini aubergine oh uh eggplant eggplant eggplant eggplant of egg. Capsicum. That's an easy one. Is it? Is it? It's not?

Capsicum. Capsicum. Vitamins. Vitamins. It does sound like It's actually Capsaicin. New Zealand for band-aids.

I'm just kidding. It's peppers, like red peppers, green peppers. No, I never would have guessed that. Capsicum? And the last one that was

And the last one on my list that I haveum and the last one that was the last one on my list that I have written down for some reason and the last one is yeah coming in at number five it was a kumara

oh yeah what is a kumara that's a like a mob guy's mistress oh yeah you gotta take him

to make kumara yeah it's a yam It's a mob wife's yam Oh yeah Oh yeah Wow You learned a lot down there

What if it turns out He never went Thanks for trying to save me What if it turns out He never went And he just like Studied up They're seriously gonna be people

Why did you get these pineapple chunks Well you could You could order them online. Kiwis and. I probably will. You know what? Take them. I will. I'm going to hold on to these choco fish.

I'm going to take a couple of them just to mix up so that I reach in and I accidentally take one out. That's like a delicious surprise. Every podcast I listen to Whenever they eat on microphone They talk about all the complaints they get We've never gotten a complaint for eating on microphone What have you eaten on microphone? Mmm

It's gonna take a long hard chew Connor Holler once brought these Jelly beans that either tasted like apple Or vomit I remember that episode Real gross Connor Holler once brought these jelly beans that either tasted like apple or vomit. Yeah. I remember that episode. Real gross. Real gross.

Yeah. Why would you want? The vomit ones really didn't. Why would you want? You wouldn't. Did we ever drink like those weird Holiday Jones sodas? Yeah, I feel like we did. I feel like we've, you know, we've done a lot of dining.

Dashing. Yeah. Drive-ins. Dives. dour dour and door dour yeah and laura durns well yeah what's a what's a door jern in uh what kind of vegetable is that a door jern yeah oh it's a uh like a squash like a spaghetti squash a spaghetti squash is a pretty silly name for that. Like if anybody else had a better name for that, I'd go with that. Does it resemble spaghetti? I don't know if I've ever had one.

It does. It does? How? In what sense? When you cook it, if you rake a fork across it, it'll like come across in these long strands. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. That's a egg on my face. Julia Child over here. Yeah. Julia Child over here. Well, it's great to have you back. Julia Child over here. Yeah. Julia Child over here. Well, it's great to have you back. Yeah, welcome aboard.

Yeah, thanks for having me back to Canada. I keep kind of crediting you guys with letting me back into the country. Well, we had no small role at all. There were some visa issues. Is that why? Namely, they got the wrong name on your visa card. There it is. Is that why when I was at the border, they're like, oh,

Kevin Lee, sing me the song. And I was like, what song? Drunk Dials. Oh yeah, they knew. I can't. I don't remember. I was drunk. That was one of my fun times. Drunk Dials. Oh, Drunk Dials. One of my favorite times was down in

New Zealand. I was listening to one of your podcasts and I listened to one where you guys got through a huge number of drunk dials. Yeah. You had it all stockpiled and you listened to it all at once. Yeah. And that was very, very fun. And then someone even called in singing it.

Yes, they did. But it was worse, somehow worse than my singing it. Oh, because they were drunk. Yes, that's right. That's the only, it's the only proper time to perform it. And I was intending to drunk dial you guys from New Zealand, but I never got really properly. Too many numbers.

You probably got tired halfway through all that dialing. Plus 011. Oh, whatever. Forget it. I can't keep track of all this. Call the operator. Oh, this is NAF. Is NAF bad again?

Yeah, it's bad again. Okay. What's the good equivalent of NAF? Norf. Oh, this is Norf. No, it's not. This is Norf. This is NAF.

My twin sons. Is it really Norf? No. Okay. Is NAF really a word? Yes. Okay. But like if NAF is like the bad word.

Like if you were like, if NAF, youF You'd be like God I took this bus ride Up to Whistler Bus was NAF Right Bus was bad It's based on NAFTA Yeah Yeah I get it

But there is no good one It's just still They use cool Bonzo Funky Bonzo Yeah Oh this one's real funky

Did you say funky Yeah What did you say I was gonna say chunky You said funky Well you tried Yeah Yeah Funky? Did you say funky? Yeah. What did you say? I was going to say chunky. You said funky. Well, you tried. Yeah.

Yeah. Guys, have me back in two weeks. I'll fix everything. Sure. Yeah. But only if you're moving back to New Zealand. Yeah. Shit.

Dave, what's going on with you? Guys, here we go. It's baby time. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. we're in baby countdown i gotta boil some water uh the day this episode is released uh as of the day this episode is released well as the day this episode is nope one more time from the top as of the day this episode is recorded we're nine days nine days away from the baby's due date. B-day.

Yep. This is when the baby drops. But not necessarily the day the baby drops. It could happen anytime. It could happen right now. Oh, I hope it don't. Knock on whatever. Because we need to stockpile a bunch of episodes

for while you're getting used to having a baby. Yeah. You've got to get into the swing of things, you know? So we've basically, like, we've started doing... Well, Abby's been doing it the whole time. I'm sort of procrastinating vis-a-vis all the baby stuff. What do you mean?

She has no choice. She's making it. It's happening. Well, we had House guests For a lot of the summer And we were like Well we can't do anything

Until the house guests are gone And so that Was our excuse And then after that I managed to come up With more excuses So what do you have to do? I don't have to do anything

You have to practice Your dad jokes Yeah Oh yeah I gotta do All the dad stuff whose cheese is that yeah that's not your cheese there you go see nice i've got to get a copy of graceland for the car yeah um let's see what else do i need to do gotta get a pair of pajamas that you wear

to pick them up from school yeah get out of the car and be like, hey, what are you doing? Get over here. And make sure, yeah, make sure you have a, you know, a pair of really stretched out underwear that you wear around the house. That's a thing. That's a thing that people always like, we're like, oh, my dad's in his underwear. That never happened in my house.

Oh, really? Like my dad. You missed out. My dad. Dad in underwear? No. Oh, maybe only a little. Maybe I'm just having a good time my dad is like oh uh my his friends call him the whiz because he's like the most together guy he's like the smartest guy um he wakes up every morning like before 6 a.m and he's you know swimming laps and tired by three of them right oh yeah totally yeah uh but he's uh anyway uh enough about him i'm the i'm the new day yeah you're the new dad on the block uh so basically now it's been like uh you know we gotta buy buy baby stuff yeah and it's very hard

uh you don't have to buy a lot of baby stuff because the baby doesn't need much the first few weeks i'm told yeah uh so the baby will just like lie there yeah a manger that's all you really yeah some swaddling bands yeah swaddling bands in a manger um three wise men away you go yeah mer frankincense pineapple lumps uh but. But it's, so we've been getting a lot of like, we got like a bassinet and stuff from my sister, like a bunch of old clothes from her kids. Right. But there's stuff, it's weird because there's some stuff that's like technology stuff where like uh my sister could give me her baby monitor but it's like five years old i want a cool new baby monitor yeah sure but i also don't know any of the names of the brands like i don't there's no sony sony doesn't make a

baby monitor look co so all of the like baby we needed uh my sister really recommended we get a white noise machine, which, as I joked earlier, just plays Jimmy Buffett. This is a fun joke. Yeah. It plays Ted Koppel's voice. But all the brands are like, oh, you got the Graco? Oh, you didn't get the Summer? It's like weird brands you would find in like Costco. Bounce Corp.

Swaddle Inc. Keepingitalive.co. Basically. They do things differently in New Zealand. Just up to keepingitalive.co.nz. Doing the bare minimum. zealand just up to keeping it alive to code on nc doing the minimum god my accent is so bad i apologize to new zealand and everybody you're working on it yeah no i'm not um so yeah so we ended up uh uh like there's a bunch of stuff that you can get off craigslist which is is great because people go out and they have this nesting instinct and they're like, oh, my baby needs this $300 swing chair. Yeah, yeah.

And then my baby outgrows it in six months and like, you could have bought an Xbox for that. Yeah, that's true. And the baby's going to need an Xbox too. Plus. You don't want to buy both. Are you worried about getting things on Craigslist Like baby stuff on Craigslist Like used Maybe you get a baby monitor That has somebody else's

Baby monitor inside So they're listening To your baby A baby monitor monitor Yeah They're listening to you And listening to the baby That is a concern

It's naff Yeah It's totally naff Is it 1F or 2? It's 2E's up naff 2E is a bird by the way I keep thinking of 2E's I think it's 2F's Okay Yeah I think it's two E's up naff. Two E's up naff. Two E's up naff. Two E's up naff, by the way. I keep thinking of two E's. I think it's two F's.

Okay. Yeah, I think it's two F's. What is a two E? It's a... It's the second part of putui, which is the sound you make when you spit. Putui. You're not wrong. It's a bird from New Zealand.

It's very ubiquitous down there. It's black, has a little white tuft on its neck, and its neck... Birds have necks? Yeah. Birds have necks. Birds have necks. Birds have necks. What about an ostrich? Yeah, exactly.

What about an ostrich over here? What about a flamingo over here? What about a penguin when they stretch their neck up all there when they're marching? Yeah, so cute. So noble.

Tueys have an amazing call. They sound like ringtones. We had one that was like outside in our tree. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, or like part of a song you're gonna get it. You're going to nail it. So, but yeah, so baby things off Craigslist, not sketchy? Well, not really because it's all, you know, you're buying it off some young mother.

You hope. Are they like, do you ever have to be like, your baby's still alive, right? I bought this, this, this like baby swing chair that my brother-in-law was like, oh, this saved our lives. Like, you need this thing. And they're still having another baby, so they can't give me theirs uh uh but they were like uh yeah yeah just get it off craigslist it'll be like a hundred bucks and it was yeah it was 300 new and uh so i uh go out to meet this lady and it's the only thing is it's been been in her garage for a year and so she takes it out and her baby is like suddenly remembering it her baby who's now huge yeah it's like remembering

and like crawling into it no we have to give it to this guy yeah it smells like exhaust i would air it out for a while it's full of left-hand hockey gloves. And Abby is, Abby has this app that like every week it gives her an update on the, like at the one week mark. And we're now at 38.

As of Saturday, we'll be at 39 weeks. Listener, as of Saturday, we'll be at 40 plus weeks. Anyway. What does the app tell her every week? It's like, this is what your baby's doing now.

And in the beginning, it was like, your baby is the size of a chickpea. And then one week, it would be like, your baby's developing fingers. And that's cool. And then there's super mind-blowing stuff that's like, at this week, your baby is developing fingerprints. Oh, wow. I'm like, uh-oh. So much for crime, baby. Hoping to have that be, you know,

just the five-finger baby hand disc. If it steals an apple. Your baby's now the size of an aubergine. What is an aubergine? Oh, a kookaroo. But the most recent one was... A kookaroo. Your baby will now see Transformers 7 when it comes out.

Oh, no, not even. At this rate. Your baby will not get this reference. References keep dropping off. Your baby will not know what Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is. Oh, no. Your baby will not know what M. Night Shyamalan is. That's a good one.

I mean, it's no wonder the baby won't know Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Oh, no. Your baby will not know what M. Night Shyamalan is. That's a good one. I mean, it's no wonder the baby won't know Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every baby will know Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If I am my way. If you're doing it right. If my baby was born today, it wouldn't know. Taylor Swift is going to be around for a while. Oh, yeah.

The next 30 years. Swirling that wine. But like Who's Baby won't know Robin Thicke Baby won't know Finger Eleven No

Well if dad plays it enough And the car rides That's right She'll pick it up She'll hate it though Yeah Dad's doing this for you I hate it more than you do

Yeah But this is something That dad had to go through Oh I don't think we've ever I don't think we've ever said It's gonna be a girl it's probably gonna be a girl you guys don't know i mean we know it's a well they said it's gonna be a girl but that's true though you don't know no but the way it works is uh if it's a boy they can identify it immediately because it's got a baseball glove because it's got got a higher amount on its paycheck than a woman, not a baby, right?

If it's a girl, it's like, we didn't see any boy stuff. So we think it's a girl. It's a girl. Or it's going to be a very sad boy. Yeah. A boy with like baby-sized genitals. Hung like a baby. Yeah.

I mean, until it grows up. um but according to the uh so uncertain according to the science the most recent doing our best science doing our best yeah the two eye patches on. Thanks, Ryan. Two eye patches. So we got... Plundered by science. The most recent update on the baby app is that your baby... Most of these

are very unhelpful. And this week especially, your baby is now the length of a leak. So great in soup. And the weight of a mini watermelon. What they could have said is your baby is now the size of a baby.

Yeah. And can do the amount of work of a small riding lawnmower. Yeah, sure. Thanks. It contains the same amount of calories as two O. Henry bars. Has the biting pressure of a big set of pliers. Thanks. Oh, wow.

So exciting. Right around the corner. Oh, wow. That's so exciting. Right around the corner. Yeah, it's real good. And Abby's got all this, like, she's preparing her body for it, which means she's like, you know, drinking, what is it? Raspberry leaf tea. She had this. Yeah, what is that? It's this tea that takes forever to brew.

Okay. It's made out of raspberry leaves. Didn't know that existed. The leaves from a raspberry plant. Hmm. Uh, and you drink it. And then she was like,

this tea, uh, I drink and this tea, I sit in. What? I forgot which one is which. Spitting it up on yourself. Quick bath, quick bath.

I forget what that tea is. It's for later. But like you brew a big pot, you pour it, and then you sit in it. Is it for the skin? I think it's for the healing process afterwards. Fair enough. Hey, sit in this. Yeah, it's for the healing process afterwards. Fair enough. Hey, sit in this. Yeah.

It's Fonzie tea. Hey, and they hit the bath and it gets warm suddenly. I never, you know, but my knowledge of the pregnancy process is pretty limited. It is. You know, there's a lot of things I haven't heard of. It is. Sitting in tea. I know.

It is a crazy process. Yeah. And everything you've seen on like TV and stuff is like, that's the one thing we learned in prenatal class as well. Like every TV show, the baby birth is an emergency. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And hilarious. And the water breaks immediately. Like beforehand. The water can break at any time. Like weeks before? Like two or three weeks after? Well, no. During the...

Although you can be... There are babies born in the fluid sack. Ew! Get that fluid sack out of here. You spread it on a Beaujolais, you put it on a nice little crostini. Is that your sister-in-law again? It's a hospital to tables.

Very chic. It's very rare, apparently. But it's possible to deliver the whole thing. Like in a bubble? Yeah. Wow. The water, the baby, the tea. I maybe misunderstood that. It floats around.

I maybe misunderstood that, but there is a word for it. I forget what it is. Gross. It's not one of those stone babies. Are you guys doing like a hospital birth? Yes. Yes, okay. Because I know that there's an article I read recently where like home births and like kiddie pools,

like those were new. Those seem to be like getting more and more popular. Do you guys roll that stuff out? Well, it's still going to be summer. I'd like to get it out of my Cuisinart coffee machine. I know they do it right. No, we haven't rolled it out if it happens. If it's super sudden.

Yeah. Have you guys picked a taxi cab driver? Yeah, I think that's where you want to be. Yeah, we picked Phoebe. Picked an Uber driver, a car to go car. You're just like, this is the one.

I realize that I know how to drive, so I'll probably drive. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to do anything but drive. You're not going to be

too panicked. Well, we're going to either try to have the baby delivered in a taxi or an elevator. Oh, yeah. Or a grain elevator. Oh, fun.

Or a corn silo. Very lonely. Very, fun. New twist. Or a corn silo. Very lonely. Very echoey. Yeah. But I think it's good. I want the baby to enter the world in a super deafening environment. Yeah. And you want them to have an appreciation of corn, one of our staple crops.

Which the Indians call maize. Ah. Which Kiwis call a furge. I think I've used that already During this podcast I think it was Kevin Ferge Your pen name That's very exciting

I actually haven't talked that much about it During the podcast I try to come up with other things to talk about But we're getting down to the nitty gritty This is it You're more interesting You're not defined by this life defining moment I can come up with some other things to talk about

And also it's like Hey come on Do you want to tune in every week And find out like Oh it's a different It's shaped like a different fruit this week I guess it's not shaped It's the same shape

This week your baby is the length of a leek The weight of a watermelon And the shape of a rutabaga Shape of a cactus The shape of a leek, the weight of a watermelon, and the shape of a rutabaga. Shape of a cactus. The shape of a pumpkin. Wow. Yeah, so baby times.

It's the shape of a pumpkin that grew through a chain link fence. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Weird. Very strange. Oh, yeah. I saw someone posted a picture of a pumpkin that grew grew in like a mold of like a Frankenstein head. What? That's pretty good.

Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. And then there was, you saw those pears that grew in the shape of Buddha. Yep. And there's also ones that grow in the shape of a baby's face. Like a baby, like a little baby face. Weird.

Apple. Like the producer baby face. Yeah. Apples shaped like a baby's face. Yeah. And you're supposed to bite that. Yeah. Why wouldn't you?

Certain parts of the world, you can't keep them off. Have you ever seen a baby? People are like, I want to bite his face. I just want to bite their little cheeks. Bite his little face and hope it's not mealy. I hope it's nice and crisp. Yeah. I hope there's not a worm in there.

It's because they're so chubby. Babies are so chubby. I know, right? Like apples. Yeah. um apples paltrow who's that when the fouchers son or daughter i don't remember hey graham you should you should tell me what's going on her name wasn't apples i know well her last name probably isn't Paltrow. Apples Paltrow sounds like a pool player. Oh, yeah. Or like a clown.

It's me, Apples. I'm going to do yellow. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Going to tell you about goop. What's going on with you? Nothing that significant. I didn't go to new zealand or uh have a baby uh oh i just and we only recorded our last episode we're recording them in in a batch because of this baby because of this baby that's so you so you listener don't miss a week um so

all i did i uh i went and shot a video thing out in the woods today. It's Blair Witch. Yeah, yeah. It's like an homage to Blair Witch. Somebody started finding a bunch of wind chimes out there. Yeah, and it's not scary. It's just silly. We just have a silly time in the woods.

It does end with you facing a corner and rocking back and forth. Yeah, but then it turns out I'm peeing. What were we supposed to believe at the end of the Blair Witch Project? Spoiler alert. The person facing the wall. That's all I remember, the person facing the wall. Did they get eaten? Well, wasn't it that that was part of the thing that the witch did to the kids?

Made them stand against the wall before she put them in her stew? Yeah, put them in her stew. So this person ends up in a stew? Yeah. Yeah. I think that they were supposed to be dead. Camp to table. Witch to table. Camp to table witch.

Small German town to witch. All the actors in it had to sign a contract that said that they wouldn't do anything after that movie. They wouldn't be in any commercials. Until later. So that they could perpetuate the movie like they wouldn't act yeah they wouldn't be in any commercials or anything until later yeah yeah

so that they could perpetuate the myth that it was an actual thing where yeah how long did that last I think until this very day

I haven't seen any of them in anything I know but how long did it last that they tried to keep it uh like a true story uh

I think until it was like became really big and then i think people kind of figured it out yeah mr big wrote that song because the game became so big we named our band mr big yeah i'm the one who wants to be with you stand in the corner if you kick the map into a river what's that what happened part of it yep blame it on the witch of dripping boogers remember the driven booger yeah um just to be the witch who puts you It's you and Stu. Oh, good. Good song. Yeah. Hold on, little girl.

Show me what he did to you. What did I say? It's about him holding up a doll. So grim. Mr. Grim. Yeah. Anyways, it was just like, I don't ever go out into the nature ever. Uh-huh.

But we live in a city that's like famous for- Hard to circumvent nature. Yeah, yeah. But yet I seem to be able to do it remarkably well. Yeah. Nature ninja. Yeah. There are like parks of parks of parks.

Yeah. Yeah. And this- parks of parks. Yeah. Yeah. And this- Parks aplenty. Yeah. This forest area that we went in wasn't far. It was a 20-minute drive. Which forest area?

Endowment Lands? North Vancouver. Oh, okay. Lynn Valley. Oh, yeah. But easy to get to. There's roads that go into it, and it's super easy. But I just couldn't be fucking bothered. Oh, yeah. But easy to get to. Like, there's roads that go into it, and it's, like, super easy. But I just couldn't be fucking bothered.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so it was nice. Like, oh, yeah, these, like, world-famous woods that people come to, like, see. I don't know what they do. Go and stand in them. I don't know what people do. Do people come from far and wide to stand in our woods? I guess.

I mean, if you live in, you know, some like super industrial city that had no trees. Allentown. A Blade Runner town. Yeah.

Some sort of like, well, like if you lived in Tokyo, like how often would you see a forest? Very rarely. Virtual forests,

absolutely. Yeah, lots of virtual forests. But could you not go to your own forest? Like, is there not forest in Japan? Oh yeah, there's forest in Japan. But I get that Forests Absolutely Yeah Lots of virtual forests But could you not go to Your own Forests Like is there not Forests in Japan

Oh yeah There's forests in Japan But I get that Ours is unique Yeah But I don't Anyways It was weird

To like go out in it And then also to be like Why don't I do this Every day This is And did you answer that question Yeah Cause you know

There's bugs There's bugs out there. And it's so easy to get lost. And you step in a thing that you think is solid and then your ankle twists. And it's either way too hot or way too cold. Yeah. Yeah. And then you think about all the things that you have at home.

You think about internet and you're like, oh. Oh, boy. Yeah. All the bugs that I like. Or like I see a bug and I want to research it, but I don't have an internet out there. So, you know, that's all I did. I went for a walk in the woods. Oh, yeah?

Nice. Did you get in touch with anything? Yeah. I definitely, at one point, I touched some moss. I leaned on a tree for a while. What was the grossest thing you touched? There was this, what are they called? I don't think it was a caterpillar.

I think it was an inchworm because they walk. Was it measuring the marigold? Yeah. And I lined up a bunch of them. Inchworm, inchworm. How's that go? I don't know. Measuring the marigold.

Do not know this song. You and your arithmeticithmetic Will probably Go far This is the type of thing That a dad or a mom does To their kid And the baby's like Hmm this is trauma Writing it down

Here we go What's that from Hans Christian Andersen I don't know Um Yeah Go ahead You get down girl

Go ahead get down Um But you know Like I've There was at one point I realized I was staring at this, whatever inchworm caterpillar for like, was it measuring the marigold?

Yeah, absolute Dave. Of course. What else does an inchworm do? But I was staring at it for like a good six minutes. And then I realized, Hey, I can really turn my brain off.

I can really do shrooms. I've definitely shut her down. Hey, what was in this cookie you gave me? Yeah. brain off. I can really do shrooms of definitely. Can't I really shut her down? Hey, what was in this cookie you gave me? Yeah, maybe if I had a more of an

interest in drugs, then I would be out in the woods all the time. Oh, I don't know, man. What comes first? Your interest in

drugs or your interest in the woods? I feel like that could also backfire where like if you're on drugs, this internet's way more

interesting. Yeah, that's true. I might be more interested just in my own bed. The majesty's in the back of your hand. Yeah, that's true. What? Go brush your teeth for 45 minutes and see what that feels like. Oh, so good, I bet.

Guys, I got to go get baked. Guys. Anyway, so do you want to move on to Overhearts? Yeah. The Muppet Show. World War II. The song I Knew You Were Waiting For Me by Aretha Franklin and George Michael. So many great things have come from the collaboration between the U.S. and the U.K.

But never let us forget that at the heart of it all, our two nations are deadly rivals. Join me, Dave Holmes, for International Waters, a transatlantic panel game that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles against each other. It's like the Revolutionary War, but with, like, way more jokes about One Direction and cinema. Find it in iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Every Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Maximum Fun presents Lady to Lady, a comedy podcast with Jess the Tower Marker, Brawlin' Brandy Posey, and Barbara Mayday Gray. Listen as they throw down with comedy heavyweights like Aisha Tyler, Retta, Kate Flannery, and more.

These ladies will make you laugh so hard you will literally explode. So go to MaximumFun.org or iTunes and download Lady to Lady before it's too late. Wait, where's the music? What happened? My throat hurts. I don't know what to do. Should we just get coffee? download lady to lady before it's too late wait where's the where's the music what happened my throat hurts i don't know what to do should we just get coffee okay overheard it's time for overheard so what are you drinking there dave um i've replaced the wine i was drinking with something now we have this uh uh this store that I love to go to that has American drinks. You can get American

pop. And now I'm drinking something called Cheer Wine. Which is we think a soda. We think it's a soda. I haven't had a sip of it yet. Go for it. Yeah, it's a soda. Oh, it's like a Dr. Pepper or a Cherry Coke maybe.

It's a Cheer Wine. I'll cheer that one. Maybe it's Chair a Dr. Pepper Or a Cherry Coke maybe Oh It's like It's a Cheerwine I'll cheer that one Maybe it's Chairwine Like Cherry Yeah but No it's about Cheerwine It's got two E's

Okay nevermind Sorry Take that back It's Cheerwine It's named after the Songstress Cher Yeah

Oh Cheerwine And the mispronunciation Oh Oh no Mish Mishpronunciation The Mitch pronunciation of chair Is this my son Mitch pronunciation

Hello Now is that what you're saying Is that your new character Mitch pronunciation I can't pronounce any word at all This is dumb Or is it just It's basically Scooby Doo That's my SNL audition.

Yeah. This guy's called Mitch Pronunciation. Chip, I'm Chibichoo. Mark Michaels is like, well, I hate you. Yeah. I've never expressed

emotion in my life. I'm glad I hate you. Okay. Now it's time for overheard. Yeah. And you know this segment. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do Okay, now it's time for overheard. Yeah. And you know this segment. Snowbear babes. Dave's shaking his head.

Yeah. We've all had a little bit too much cheer wine. The earth rocked back and forth a little bit from all your listeners shaking their heads simultaneously. Would you like to lead the charge in the overheard? Sure. So, yeah. Sure. Sure. Would you like to lead the charge in the overheard? Sure So Yeah Sure Sure

So I had an overheard on the way back from New Zealand I was taking the Bolt bus from Bellingham, Washington up to Vancouver Wait, you flew New Zealand to Bellingham? No No, Dave Flew New Zealand to San Francisco Cool Which was fun San Francisco to Bellingham

And then San Francisco to Bellingham On a flight On an airline where There's a lot of weird noises Allegiant? Allegiant airline? That's correct And we landed

And as we left the plane There was a man wiping blue fluid Off the side of the plane Not great Not great They spilled all their mouthwash But at least At least they were wiping

it off. Yeah, at least they were cleaning it up. I mean, this plane runs on Gatorade. Emergency landing. Spill some Gatorade on the side. Yeah, so on the bus ride from Bellingham to here we sat across from I thought it was a couple, but it turned out it was just a guy and a random

girl. So how, like, wouldn't it have been, I know it was a couple But it turned out it was just a guy and a random girl So how, like Wouldn't it have been, I know it probably cost more But wouldn't it have been worth it to get a direct flight From San Francisco As opposed to, let's take two flights And then get on a two hour bus ride Yeah, no, we got a good deal Into San Francisco

So we got a good deal into San Francisco And we love San Francisco, we're both Giants fans and stuff So we wanted to go to games Why would two people not be Giants fans and stuff. So we wanted to go to games. Are you really? Why would not, why would two people not be Giants fans? Right? Uh, but we thought it was a fun time to go do that. And then, uh, and then I had a friend.

Didn't go to. What? Okay. So it wasn't like a whole long travel. It wasn't a long trip in San Francisco. We were there for like a day. And then, and then we flew to Bellingham and have a friend there. So we stayed there for a day and went on a pub crawl.

Let me guess your friend. Bellas Fair. Yes. It's a JCPenney. So, yeah, we were taking the bus up from Bellingham and there was a couple, not a couple, pardon me, a boy and a girl holding hands. The teacher's in front. There's a guy who was, they were like college age. Like they looked like they were just maybe first

or second year of college or something. And I thought they were together, but they weren't. And the guy was definitely one of those guys who was like really into talking too much and not shutting up. Likes talking too much. Like me when I'm on this podcast and not like me the rest of my life.

So he, he was saying stuff to her. I thought he was talking to her like, this is the way that we talk to each other because we're a couple. And eventually I realized that they weren't like one time he started saying things. He was like, ideas are a virus. Yeah, exactly. That was the whole, I thought a flat tire went out because everybody on the bus was like. He was like, these are virus. I mean, like, they're not clean.

They're like not pure, you know, like you can't get like a pure idea. So I'm like, how are we going to translate that onto a page or the screen? Like he was like really. Jay wants to be a filmmaker. Filmmaker. He also wanted to get into her comfy pants that she was wearing on the bus. Sure, yeah. He was driving hard to the paint.

He was really trying real hard the whole bus ride. Speaking of a virus. Have you heard of HP me? So he later on, the best part was that after this virus Christopher Nolan movie breakdown, he was really trying to sound real smart.

Later on, the bus, I heard they were talking. She was talking very quietly, so I couldn't hear anything she said, but he was like, he's like really trying to sound real smart. Later on the bus, I heard they were talking and she was talking very quietly. So I couldn't hear anything she said, but he was like, I believe in ghosts. Ghosts are cool. And that's all I heard. I was like, this guy is nailing it. This is, he's hook, line and sinker. He's got her.

Yeah. Yeah. He lost me. But then when you told me about ghosts. He's a virus. Oh, he believes in them. Thinks they're cool. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, what's the coolest thing about ghosts? Probably they're... Because they always wear those like Looney Tunes jackets. Those like really expensive leather jackets. Well, the leather sleeves. Tasmanian Devil. Tasmanian Devil with a hat on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also wearing a Letterman jacket with the leather sleeves. You're lucky. Tough enough or something like that. You're like, tough enough. It's not even a catchphrase for me. That is what ghosts wear. They are cool. They are cool.

Yeah, they'll wear a magic eight ball jacket. I was thinking about Shaq the other day, because when I bought this cheer wine, you were looking at your Shaq poster. It was on a very high shelf, and you're like, Shaq could reach this for me. One of the things they were selling at this place was soda Shaq, which was Shaq soda. Is that really true? Yeah. It's made by Arizona Iced Tea. But is it got...

It's got a picture of Shaquille O'Neal on his face. It's got a copy of Shaq Fu taped to it. Yep. Take it. You have to.

You want to drink this. Like everyone makes fun of his movies, Shaq Fu and... Steel. Steel and Kazam. Was Shaq Fu a movie or was it a video game? That was just of his movies, Shaq Fu and Steel and Kazam. Was Shaq Fu a movie or was it a video game? That was just a video game, I think.

But he was like the hottest athlete after Michael Jordan. Yeah. But all of his endorsements were like, what's the ointment that he does? Oh, hot, hot, spicy. Yeah, yeah. It's also a nacho dip. Just scrape it off your arm. Icy hot.

Icy hot, yeah. And he had his own brand of shoe that wasn't... Wasn't it like LA Gear or something? He started with Reebok, but then he got his own shoe and it was... Crocs. Yeah. Rockfort. He's marketing to old men.

Yeah. Mephisto. Somebody in a jazzy driving the paint and then leaping out of their thing and transforming into Shaq and slam dunking. And then landing in an easy chair. Yeah. And then their grandson being like, putting down their shades and going, oh, snap. Grandpa's got the jam.

I just feel like whoever he has as his business manager always just, like, said yes. Would say yes to beef jerky, done. And that's fine

for most athletes, but when you're that popular, you could probably hold out for a better product. Yeah. Like SodaStream. Yeah. SodaShackStream. probably hold out for a better product yeah like soda stream yeah shack soda shack stream shack brand soy sauce nothing better when i'm on the court than to pour sparkling water over my

face i mean my eyes it sounds refreshing yeah why did it put so much syrup in this oh you're not supposed to carbonate the syrup? You just add that? Oh, no. I actually don't know how that's the word. Dave, do you have an overheard? Yeah. Yeah.

Today we went to see The Midwife. What's that? Midwife is like... Oh, sorry. Know what I thought you meant? I thought you meant a movie called The Midwife.

Yeah. We're going to see. We're going to see The Midwife in 3D. AVX. Well, Abby, what is AVX? Because it's like $6 more.

They pay more and they turn on two more speakers. I don't notice what the difference is. They show you the extra five minutes. They show you

the end of the film. Every other movie you don't get to see the end. Abby, well, we figured she's, you know, 38 and a half weeks pregnant. the end of the film. Every other movie you don't get to see the end. Abby and, well, we figured she's, you know,

38 and a half weeks pregnant. She probably wants to go see that movie, The Midwife. But the midwife that gets murdered. It really put her mind at ease.

It's like Flight, but for midwives. You get drunk, you can't handle it. And then deliver the baby upside down. Yeah. That'd be a great scene. Well, that's the greatest scene in flight isn't it

they do absolutely they're doing mushrooms upside down while delivering the baby yeah or the nitrous oxide part of me um oh no no in our delivery room there's gonna be magic mushroom a couple of bowls a little bowls of different pills and downers uppers yeah it's like eyes wide shut or something it's just salad boils Everybody's going to be wearing masks One of the things we heard In prenatal class was like If your early labor Is uncomfortable

And you can't relax Before you go to the hospital Like in that part of labor One thing you can do is just have a glass of wine and take a bath. And we were like, what? You can have a glass of wine? You can take a bath? What?

Abby's just like got flies buzzing around her. But a Linus. Who's Linus? Oh, no, Big Ben. Linus after. Oh, Linus when he died. I was going to say Linus after Peanuts got

Got Cut They weren't making it anymore He hit the streets Anyway Hard time We're into the midwife today Yeah yeah

Hard peanuts Yeah And Our midwife is in It's in The downtown east side of Vancouver Which is the They call it the You postal code in Canada.

It's like Skid Row. Yeah. My postal code's pretty poor. But yeah, it's a very druggy neighborhood. A lot of junkies. And as we were, this isn't even the overheard, but as we were entering the midwife place, we were like, oh, what's that guy doing lying there?

And he was holding, he was lying on the ground, holding a crack pipe. So he was like, oh, wow. We just caught him moments later. But as we were leaving, this weird woman talked to us as we were walking out, and she said, oh, when's the due date? And we told her, oh, it's great. I've got four daughters.

My first daughter has my kidney. Wow. Craziest heirloom ever. Now, you only get One more of these Well this fell out So I might as well Get it bronzed And give it to my daughter

Yeah Yeah that's what she meant I just gave it to her As like a Christmas gift Yeah I bought presents For everybody else Couldn't figure out

What to get for her I went to HMV And they didn't do Gift cards anymore So I thought Eh kidney I gave it to her As a threat

You're next Which that's what HMV and they didn't do gift cards anymore. So I thought, eh, kidney. I gave it to her as a threat. You're next. Which is what the card said. It's a wrap to put your paper. Oh, wow. But yeah, this lady walked next to us for like half a block and we were like, is she walking next to us forever? Yeah. She's certainly chatty.

She's like, how are your kidneys? Oh, juicy. Excuse me. You're juicy. You don't need that. Yeah, you don't need to. And then after that, she said, yeah, I'm in rough shape. Oh, no.

It felt bad. It was bad. It was bad all. It was bad. It was bad everywhere. You don't have to go there for the birth, though. She comes to you. No, we go to a hospital.

And then she goes to the hospital? Well she comes to us and then we all go to a hospital And when do they take your kidneys? The kidneys I think they take them out in the C-section We're not having a C-section as far as we know But that's why Don't they tell you like at the last second We're going to do a C-section Oh yeah do a B-section

I mean a C-section Well some people can like schedule them If they know they're having a C-section. Oh, you're going to do a B-section. I mean, a C-section. You're like, uh-oh. Well, some people can schedule them if they know they're having a C-section. Oh, if they're too posh to push. Is that the name of a TV show? That's like a thing from Us Magazine. Oh, too posh to push. Posh Spice probably started it. It's pretty good.

Too posh to push? Yeah. Whoever thought of that deserves a raise. That's why they're the editor yeah they got to quit their job on owl magazine animals in like uh refuges to push the horned owl did you hear about that panda? I didn't read. I only read the headline. What was it? That's what I do with all panda related news.

Yeah, that. Scamming it. Oh, the panda that faked the pregnancy. Faked pretending to be pregnant. What? Yeah. I don't know, like, because my immediate follow-up question as soon as I brought this up was like, oh, how did it fake its pregnancy?

Oh, it got a friend who was pregnant to pee on the stick. So that it would get more food, right? But I howded it. Oh, me so pregnant. Eating a lot of, yeah. I made sure the ankles were full. Yeah. I got weird cravings.

Yeah. Just like baby magazines. Yeah, bamboo and peanut butter. Yeah, bamboo and pickles. Pandas be crazy. Pandas be crazy. They do be crazy. Graham, do you have an overhurt? I do.

Mine's a conversation I was a part of, but I didn't know this was an expression. It probably isn't, but this guy may have made it up. I took a cab the other night, and the guy was just asking me just a like a ream of questions about oh are you mixing wine and cheer what no no it's a swirl it's an empty glass oh he just wants a swirl i can't breathe let it decarbonate i understand you took some kind of car ride i did and uh the guy was asking me all sorts of questions about, like, where do you live? What do you do? Well, what do you live is pretty pertinent.

Yeah. And then at one point, he said, are you married? And I said, no. No, come on. And he said, do you have a girlfriend? I'm like, no. He's like, have you ever lived with a girl? I was like, yeah.

And he goes, yeah, you know what we call that? Canadian style. I was like, what? Living with a girl and not being married to her in the cabbing community. Well, John A. McDonald did it first. That's why he's on the five. Yeah. Is he on the five?

I guess he's on the five, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. on the five? I guess he's on the five. He's a new five, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. John A. Pretty good. Moved in with his girl. It is, I don't know. Canadian style.

I don't know if it's Canadian style. I just remember before Abby and I were married, when she told me that we were, she informed me that we were living together, we were common law. I was like, oh no. Because like the only time you hear common law on TV is like this man killed his common law oh yeah oh no because like the only time you hear common law on tv is like uh this man killed his common law it's like always on the news it's like his common law wife disappeared

it's yeah didn't want to be like a man killed a woman he was living with who he realized they didn't really like the same tv shows yeah like well uh is his female roommate who he liked a lot you know his longtime girlfriend and you know the time's just not right to get married if you lived with a if you were a man you lived with a female roommate for a long time you could claim common law for a year here isn't it yeah but even if you're not you know steadily boning what if you were not boning at all yeah that's what i mean like does there have to be a precedent set in order to split up stuff you have to show a picture of you boning you have to sext it you have to sext it to the city hall to the mayor Yeah Send them a Snapchat

Yeah You basically Send them a picture Says we boning Tax breaks question mark Yeah We be boning I be boning

We be benefits Yeah Oh yeah I guess it's more benefits Than tax breaks I don't know if I've noticed Any tax breaks Yeah

Well you pretty soon You'll be able to claim A dependent I would be able to write off all the stuff, cheer one, for the baby.

Little Lysander. Throw that as a name out. Is that not a man's name? It is a man's name. You think it might be a girl, but you can go Lysandra. Lysandra. Lysandra.

Is it from a play? Is it from Shakespeare? It's from Shakespeare. It's my go-to fake name. What Shakespeare? Midsummer Night's Dream I think Too many characters in that one You know why?

Play within a play What about Puck? Yeah a little Pucklet Oh that's good for a girl We also have overheards that have been sent in By people from around the world If you want to send one in to us You can send it in to

spy at maximum fun.org and uh yeah go gross yeah they just took out a candy licked it to the put it back the back is dave waved his finger at me to not have it so i put it on my tongue and i went not this um this first one uh comes from Heidi R. in Minnesota. Rycender. Yeah, absolutely. I just wrote in with an overheard from my school, but I just remembered another one. So I've disregarded the one that she wrote in and went with this one. Oh, you edited.

Yeah. I was walking down the hall and one of my younger students, maybe first or second grade, said to one of his friends coming out of the bathroom, I went to the bathroom four times and washed my hands once. Guess which one? That seems like a real, like that's a kid victory. Like minimum number of times brushing teeth, washing hands. That's the kid level of punk rock. Like if kids wrote Punk rock music

At the start of it Not washing your hands Wash my hands All at once Gave you some Pineapple lumps Somehow Touched my dick skin

Guess what I win That's pretty good That is not bad. Don't wash your hands. No. Can I tell a bathroom story? Yeah, absolutely.

I wish you'd tell more. There's a bathroom I like to use at work, which is very remote and not many people know about it. The ladies' washroom. When I have certain needs. But it was in use, so I went to this other one that's pretty remote as well. And usually there's nobody in there. So I was sitting in this stall,

and then like 10 seconds after I sat down there, I hear someone coming to the bathroom. I'm like, okay, just wait it out. You don't have to do anything until this person leaves. Yeah, just be cool about it. And I hear someone outside the stall just go to the sink and wash their hands. And in my mind, I'm like, okay, they're just washing their hands. They're going to be gone in no time.

You know what? Maybe they were going to use a stall and they saw someone else was using one and they're just pretending. They're trying to save face. Yeah, doing a quick wash and away we go. Yeah, I'll find somewhere else. I'll go to a gas station. Yeah.

And then they go to take some towels out and they dry their hands. And then they go back to washing their hands. Oh, no. And wash their hands again. Go to the towels again. And then keep washing their hands a few more times. Keep pumping soap out. Oh, wow.

So you were stuck with like a Howard Hughes. And then I was like, ah, wait for the future. Well, I can't go. I can't go if this person's going to be here this whole time. Two people with their own issues on either side of that. I can't poo if you're around. I can't stop washing my hands. Until he finishes pooing, I got to keep washing my hands.

I'm not doing anything. Just sitting there. Got a real Canadian stand-up. Yeah. Canadian style. You know what they did? Went to the bathroom, Canadians. And so what I did is I I flushed the toilet.

There's nothing in there, but I flushed it anyway just to sort of signal that I'm on my way out. To scare him off. And it worked. And it worked. uh uh so i left and then i ran out in the hallway to see who it was because i work you know two floors away from this so it could have been it could have been anyone in the building yeah uh and i couldn't find out who it was and then i went back up to my desk and uh we have a sort of like a work chat room. And one of my coworkers like 10 minutes later was like, so what would you do if you, if like a semi expensive pair of sunglasses fell into some sewage?

And then I was like, wait, was that you? So he was washing his sunglasses in the sink at work. The correct answer to that question is that. Throw them in the water. Immediately throw them out. Give them to your worst enemy. Yeah. Yeah, wrap them in a nice box.

Give them to your common law. You do not want to be common law. Yeah. Give them to the friend of your friend, which is your enemy. This next overheard. That was a good story, right? That was a good story right? That was a great story It had a good beginning

Middle end De Numa Made you feel like You were looking at the world Through a pair of Shit colored lenses Sorry That was one of those ones

Making a joke like that For your listeners Making a joke like that You guys probably all feel this Is like when you try and slam dunk And the ball just hits the rim Right in the middle of the ball Hits the rim of the basket

And your whole body swings underneath And you're like Oh my life is terrible You know how you and I can We can always We can all dunk We can jump high enough to do the dunk But sometimes it's the placement that's the problem.

Sorry. Sorry, guys. Yeah. I've got kicks. Yeah. Use an analogy that we can understand. I got vert. What do you guys want?

Yeah. Like sometimes you're trying to limbo under a bar and then you knock the bar off. No, sometimes you're trying to. This next one comes from Jeff T. from boston are we only through one yeah yeah because then we had the toilet story toilet story um i work in a zoo but did we buy it and it was up in a loft uh up above, and unseen by the public. But I could hear them, and what I heard was this exchange in front of an insect exhibit.

Little girl, what are these? Mom, those are called cockroaches. Little girl, pretty. Oh, yeah. Right? They're jewel roaches. She's got to love apartments. Yeah.

You got to get that kid to New York City. City. That's like the thing, right? New York City. New York City. Cockroaches and salsa. Cockroaches and inferior salsa. New York, New York.

And this last one comes from Angelo in Montreal. Hey, Angelo. Hey, we're trying to Montreal over here. Hey, it's just for Angelo. Yeah. Sorry. My five-year-old daughter loves her seven-month-old brother so much. Wait.

Oh, five-year, seven-month? Yeah. Okay. I thought she said my five-month daughter loves her seven month old brother. Well, that don't work. So she loves her seven month old brother so much that she is asked about marrying him eventually. We've explained how marrying a family member isn't a good idea. The other night she tried to explain to me why it would be a good idea.

she tried to explain to me why it would be a good idea. She explained, but daddy, if you marry someone in your family, you won't need to get to know them or learn their name because you'll already know that stuff. This is the hardest part of dating is learning a name. Game of Thrones. As a husband-to-be, that's a good lesson. Do you know your partner's name? Yeah, it's sister, my sister.

It's sisterly. It's not my sister. Yeah, it's Marie. Marie? No, Marie. Marie. Ah, my fiancé, Marie. My fiancé, Marie.

Do you like a nice good fiancé? Or explain it to your daughter in, sis. Abby and I used to talk about which one of us got to marry the dog. Oh, yeah. In case one of you died, you have to remarry the dog? No, it was before we were married.

Oh, okay. It was just like, who gets to marry the dog? Yeah, me. And then you got to marry the dog? Why? What was the criteria? And then what happens next?

Well, then comes baby in the baby carriage. Yeah. And doggles. Yeah, and doggles. I mean, if the dog's eyes

aren't like great. It's not doing great in that carriage. Oh, you want to bring a dog on a motorbike? Yeah. Aw,

cute little dog helmet with holes cut for its ears. Oh, so good. In addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls.

I get that that's not the right grammar, but it rolls off the tongue so well. It does, it really does. Our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hey, Dave, Graham, and guest. My name is Jess, and I'm here to say that I love this podcast

in a major way. and I'm here to say that I love this podcast in a major way. I'm also here to say that I have an overheard for you from San Jose, California. About a month ago, I was camping with my sister and my nephews, and my nephews were sitting on a hammock, one of them was, and the other one wanted to get on a hammock, one of them was, and the other one wanted to get on the hammock. And he was kind of talking to my younger nephew, the three-year-old, about wanting to make a deal, I guess. And I just hear the three-year-old say very seriously, I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Yes. That's good policy. It's a fun kid policy. A terror tactic they were using to get onto that hammock. Oh, car bombings. Yeah. I guess, you know, fear, terror. Yeah.

It's probably mostly like, I will punch you. I will pinch you you i will give you a why don't we negotiate with terrorists like how do you decide who's a terrorist i guess someone threatening to blow something up yeah somebody wants to negotiate anyone who wants to negotiate oh no yeah i don't i refuse what about that movie the negotiator terrorist what about that website the negotiator everywhere outside of Of North America It was called The Terrorists Oh really Yeah It's one of those movies

I wouldn't sell in the states If we called The Terrorists We called The Negotiator Sorry Kevin Spacey Is that what it was Samuel L. Jackson Yeah yeah

Samuel L. Spacey Yeah I think so He went to terrorism school Yeah Yeah that's right As The Negotiator He played The Negotiator Here's the next phone call Yeah, that's right. As a negotiator. He played the negotiator.

Here's the next phone call. Hey, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. Hi. This is Zach from Victoria. I'm calling in an overheard. So yesterday I was walking home from work, and I was walking by one of the clubs, and there was a drunk girl stumbling around.

She just clearly had a bit too much to drink. And she's hanging on to her boyfriend. She said, Oh my God, I love walking. Then just as she said that, she did a complete faceplant on the pavement. Yes.

One thing that would have made that better is if she had gone faceplant into a cake. Somebody's carrying a cake. I'm just carrying it. That guy was like, I'm going home for work from the cake shop. Yeah. Or the other way it could have gone is, I love walking.

And then a crane accidentally picks her up with a giant hook. She's just moving her legs in the air. No, not again. Not again. The prophecy is proven true. I'm the chosen one. Have either of you ever been the chosen one? Oh, yeah.

One time when I was in the Matrix. Oh, wow. How did that turn out? Very badly. Oh, really? Yeah. Was it a revolution or reloaded? No, I just, you know, the show Big Bang Theory?

That was my mistake. I greenlit that in the matrix oh yeah oh god yeah like uh you can either take the red pill or the blue pill or green light the big bang yeah and i said you know what third choice yeah i like that jim parsons oh who doesn't yeah he's delightful did you see um emmy emmy i don't know if it was, I think it was Wimbledon. There's a Canadian tennis player, Eugenie Bouchard. And usually when a tennis player is playing in a big tournament, it's a long game, long match. And they have to go to, you know, go to the crowd to see, oh, this is their, you know, husband or wife or partner. This is their common law partner in the crowd.

This is their coach. This is their common law partner In the crowd This is their coach This is their parents But Eugenie Bouchard Her guest for like The whole tournament Was Jim Parsons What?

The Big Bang Theory They met And they hit it off Wow And so like For every match That she played It was like

And there's Jim Parsons In the crowd Enjoying himself Wow Too much There's Jim Parsons in the crowd enjoying himself. Wow. Too much. There's Jim Parsons being removed from the crowd

enjoying himself. There's Jim Parsons there with the helmet with the two beers on it. Yeah. He's got an empty bag of Skittles over his crotch.

Oh, and there's little Jim Parsons there. All right. The cheating. Here's your final overheard of 2014. Hey, Dave, Graham, and hilarious guests. This is Josh in Mesquite, Texas.

I was driving to work the other day and went a different route than I normally do, and I saw a sign that I think you guys would like. Right between the Ace Hardware and the Chicken Express was a doctor's office for Chaim Banjo, MD. Chaim Banjo? Chaim Banjo. Coming to NBC this fall. Yeah.

I don't have any thread. Well, I got to stitch this with one of my banjo strings. Boing! Banjoing it through the wound. It's a one episode series. And I've been done whatever it is when you get chucked out

of the medical community. Dismard. Banjoed. Dismard. I've been full banjoed. I've been deliveranced. I've been dis banjoed You've been I've been deliveranced I've been disbanjoed Give us your

Medicine badge and gun It would be the banjo commission Give me your banjo You've been using it For things that weren't Banjo playing But I've been healing The community

Yeah Boing This guy plays by His own banjo rules By his own banjo notation He took a Hippocratic Oath And a banjo riff Riff Whatever I bet you Hippocratic Oath and a banjo riff and a riff,

whatever. I bet you Hippocratic Oath was the name of his bluegrass band. Yeah. Yeah. I was at Salt Spring Island recently and there was

a, you know, the Salt Spring Island market where they have like all the organic foods and they have like stones and all the different craft things. Crystals.

Crystals, exactly. Hemp shirts. Hemp shirts and all this stuff and there was, we were walking around and there was a place this guy was selling like um guitars and banjos that he made and they were very beautifully

made they looked really nice but there was this woman he was talking to and her son I'm assuming and the son was like eating it looked like a huge brownie he was eating this huge brownie and he was like hovering over top of this like loot and he was like all this shit was falling off of his brownie And he was like Hovering over top Of this like loot And he was like All this shit was falling

Off of his brownie Into the loot And like you could tell That the guy who made The banjos and stuff Was like looking at the mother And being like Please could you

Your son can't be there It's impossible to get A brownie out of a loot Oh boy He was stopping so short Of like putting his hand On the kid's face And like shoving him

Like you could see How mad he was And the mom was like It's fine And she'd tap her son And he'd back up And then he'd be right back over and be like

look lady last month you put a scone in a balalaika oh boy well that brings us to the end of this here episode it's so nice to have you back thanks for having me back

yeah I'm happy to talk to people again. So I apologize to your listeners if I've been a bit... Did you do improv while you were over there? I did a little bit when I first got there. There was the New Zealand Improv Festival was happening. So I did a lot of volunteering and I did workshops and I got to do a show, which I was way too nervous to do.

I got really psyched up for and I'm part of the Sunday service, an improv group here, is one canadian comedy award and stuff and i got really nervous with the people backstage that i was going to perform with because i never met them and they were all doing the festival together you couldn't understand them because you couldn't see their faces they were like dirt shirt dirt shirt so i said to them i'm like oh don't worry like i'm good at improv i you know it's part of the sunday service we won an award and they were like okay and i'm, why did I just tell them that? I'm such a dick.

I'm a huge asshole. Like, why did I just say that? What an asshole. I feel so embarrassed. Anyway. Yeah. It went fine.

But anyway. Um, yeah. So thanks for having me back. It's great to be back. And I really did, like, I do remember wanting to do this,

uh, before I left and it just, yeah. And then you left. It's fine. You're back. I'm back. Yeah. And I'm glad that, uh, yeah. And then you left. It's fine. You're back. I'm back. Yeah,

and I'm glad that people still listen to you guys. And you, they'll never stop. You guys are fantastic. You still do every Sunday at the Sunday service.

Just starting up again, yeah. So they've, so starting back up. So every Sunday at the Sunday service, I'll be back there. At the Fox Cabaret.

Fox Cabaret, fantastic. Main and 8th, between the 7th, yep. And when does this show come out? Saturday, Sunday. This will come out on September 8th, maybe?

8th. Okay. If you're in Vancouver, you have a couple days. The Hero Show is happening on the 11th, which is at the China Cloud. Oh, good. Happening again. So I'll be on that as well. Hopefully doing a bit that I wrote in New Zealand.

So that's some cachet. Yeah. You won't know. This travels well. Oh, it's really. They didn't stop this at customs. Yeah, so come to that on the 11th. That's a great show.

Yeah. It's a fantastic show. It goes to a good cause. I don't know. Goes to keeping the China cloud open. Yeah. We don't have anything that we have to talk about. If you're in Vancouver, pick up this month's Vancouver

magazine. Oh, yeah. Graham and I are in there along with several local comedians. Yeah. Notables, quotables. Potent potables. Yeah. Thank you. Potent potables. Thank you Potent Potables Favorite Jeopardy category

I like potpourri myself Yeah I like I like TV TV shows The shows you're watching right now Jeopardy

What is Jeopardy? This is Jeopardy It's Jeopardy What is Jeopardy? Who is Alex Trebek? Who is me? Who is this man Oh? Who is me? Who is this man who shows a picture of yourself?

Who am I? Who am I? They're just the one person who goes, I don't know. I don't know that person anymore. Yeah. Who am I?

Who am I? If you like the show, you should check out MaximumFun.org, the blog recap that Dave does Each and every week Are there any big

Sunday service shows Coming up? Oh yes there are What day is it on? I think it's on the 21st September 20 something Yeah 21st

Hell yeah Check it out To make sure that That date is correct But September 21st That weekend I don't know what Day of the week that is

But Stuttering You yawn and you touch, you touch your shoulder and if she doesn't pull it away, just put your arm around her. Um, uh, on the 21st,

uh, Paul F. Tompkins is going to be coming up, uh, to the Fox Cabaret and he'll be doing a standup show or a show on his own, on his very own. He's going to be doing a solo show, a fantastic solo show on the Saturday.

And then on the Sunday, he'll be joining the Sunday service as part of our troupe. And he'll be doing the improv show with us. That'll be amazing. So much fun. He's fantastic. Are there advance tickets anywhere? There are advance tickets. Go to foxcabaret.google.

It's Google Fox Cabaret. I'm sorry. Google.co.nz. You know what? Backslash the word backslash. The tickets are on sale by now. They're sold out. So don't worry about it. Yeah.nz You know what? Backslash the word Backslash If tickets are on sale By now They're sold out

So don't worry about it Yeah It'd be cool They're going on sale This Monday So like I don't know when Oh right around the time

This comes out No wait no A week after this comes out Sorry I brought it up Ah Well look Get on Craigslist Try and buy some off of

Yeah try and get Go to Scalpers Sweet Salvers Uh And uh I'll edit that out Yeah Don't worry about it Buy some off of... Yeah, try and go scalpers. Sweet scalpers. I'll edit that out. Yeah. If you like the show, please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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