Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 342 - Charlie Demers

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

Charlie Demers returns to talk urban legends, store security, and gout.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 342 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's slowly making his way through a caramel bar, Mr. Dave Shumka. I brought this downstairs into the studio for no reason and then... Well, I think there was a reason.

Well, I brought it down earlier. I think I had meant to take it somewhere else and I left it here. Anyway, it's here now and I'm eating it and it's delicious um is that a canadian only caramilk yeah i don't know i don't know if that's a an american anyways it's like chocolate with caramel inside it yeah and there's like a big thing about the secret they're still going on about the goddamn secret i think they're over it. After that, the book The Secret came out and revealed how they got the caramel inside the bar. That's true. You just have to wish caramel into the bar. It was a Mythbusters.

Oh, really? No. Oh. No. No. Sorry. And that voice you hear is one of our favorite all-time guests, comedian and writer, Mr. Charlie Demers. Hello.

Hello. I realized I was staying quiet as I usually try to do. And then, I mean, it says on the... Oh, you just thought you'd just dive right in. On an episode. I mean, no one's ever... I wonder... I'm waiting for the introduction.

It says... Yeah. I might be all over this thing. There's a lot of phony baloney in the podcasting industry. Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly. I'm not even here. I'm calling in from Detroit where I live like a king.

Graham is like a hologram. He's like dead Tupac. I'm like the one. What is the hologram from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Will.i.am. Election night, Will.i.am. Election night, Will.i.am. Well, Wolf. Boy, that was a one and done.

Election holograms. The holograms have never really caught on because the Tupac company, they went out of business. Oh, did they really? Yeah. Oh. Was there a recent hologram? Well, they were going to do a big Michael Jackson tour. Right.

With just the hologram. But then they realized who would go see that? Yeah. Well, other holograms. Oh, sure. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah. Jem's back up there.

gems back up and I'm I'm still working on my hollow chocolate like my hollow gram ah there it is like for Easter

that's not bad yeah a hollow gram Graham Clark filled with well no not filled with anything yeah he's completely hollow hence hollow

good stuff all around yeah yeah yeah well it's been fun should we get to know us? Sure Get to know us Charlie, how long has it been Since you were last on the podcast?

How is that in any way my responsibility? No, I was wondering that Because I think Is this the first time since having a baby? I think so. Because I, yeah, we wanted to get you on before. Yeah, we were like. Before it was all you talked about.

Yeah. And now it's too late and it's now it's, well, I don't talk about it at all. So you missed any baby talk possible. Darn. Yeah, no. So I had, well, I didn't. My wife had our baby. You had it too.

Yeah. I don't like when people are like, oh, really? You had the baby? Like, no, well, I didn't have a baby. Now I do have a baby. Yeah. Yeah. But you didn't buy a baby.

But you didn't have it. That's what I say. Oh, you bought a baby. And then they're like, no, I had one. Well, throughout the pregnancy, I would say, we're having a baby, but I're like no i had one i well throughout the pregnancy i would say uh we're having a baby but i wouldn't say we're pregnant oh yeah we're pregnant probably is the line we're we're lactating i think i used to say we're pregnant really no i never heard you say that i mean you're showing visually yeah no one could it wasn't immediately obvious which of us was carrying.

But, no, I don't know. They just said, Junior, Junior? Junior, Junior. I would say, let me tell you, it's not as fun in real life. I don't. Anyway. Did you see the movie? Yes.

Junior? Yeah. C-section, right? They don't. Like, that's where you sat in the theater c-section i i don't remember why in the movie it's necessary for him to get pregnant like i don't remember what the movie's logic was right for why this is where does it does he have a uterus i think he's a cop, you idiot. In the film. It's just such a strange, like, so they make twins.

Twins is a big hit. Somehow. Defying all logic and expectations. And then they were like, okay, well, how do we recreate this? And then the fact that that's what they came up with, such a strange thing. Like, you just think, like, infinite amounts of money. That was the two of them as well? Yeah. Danny DeVito was this, he was like the scientist.

Oh, okay. But again, I have no, like, there's still women, plenty of women on earth. There's no, yeah, there's no need for a man to be pregnant. Like, it's not in an alternate world. It's in current regular world. You're wanting the junior children of men match up. Where like Clive Owen is dodging gunfire in a refugee camp with pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger. Perfect.

Yeah. Now I get it. I mean, twins did have that bizarre, like, the science. It's so weird because really. Twins is just taking a one-line joke. What are you guys, twins? And stretching it out for an hour and 40 minutes. It's like taking a giant guy and making a movie called Tiny.

Like a big biker guy. Just the whole movie. Danny Trejo is tiny. Tiny. Is he giant? More ugly. His ugliness is enormous. Danny Trejo is beautiful.

That would be great if he was in whatever the Sandrara bullock beauty pageant movie was oh accidental surgery you know danny trejo was somebody's baby once yeah nobody knows whether it was not for long though no he was thrown right in the slammer. Wow. Oh, now that is a premise for a movie. He is one of the craggier guys. What?

Yeah, he is one of the craggier. Yeah. Like, uh, him, uh, Edward James Olmos.

We're just going with bad skin at this point? Well, yeah, that's what I, yeah, craggy, um,

yeah. Those are the two. Are those the only two? Well, not just, Brian Adams has some acne scars. Yeah. Oh, Redford, Robert Redford. Well, seal, that's not acne, is it? Well, does Redford have acne?

Are you joking? Yeah. He like famously has. I'm hilarious. No, he, oh, you are. No, I'm not. No, you're not? No, yeah, Robert Redford like famously has like super bad skin. I don't think he you're not? No. Yeah. Robert Redford, like famously, has like super bad skin.

I don't think he's that famous for it. Yeah. Well, anyway, he's a guy, they say like with HD, like he never would have had a career. Because he is the guy in the commercial that says, I ate too many chocolate bars. Chocolate bars. That was him. That was a young Robert Redford. Some people say I ate too many chocolate bars.

I think there would be a lot of, people say I eat too many chocolate bars. There would be a lot of, in that era, the 70s era of film, a lot of people wouldn't have been movie stars if it had been higher quality cameras. Higher quality film. It was just done through a camera obscura. It's just done through a pinhole that some kid made at camp. You just have to be a silhouette in this movie. He never would have survived in the non-silhouette era.

You know, because they were all smokers. Yeah, like Harvey Keitel. Yeah, or like even Steve McQueen, I feel, was like a pretty leathery kind of dude. Sure. You know, and he was considered like a heartthrob, right? Well, yeah, he's a really handsome dude. Yeah, I know, and he was like considered like a heartthrob, right? Well, yeah, he's a really handsome dude. Yeah, I know,

but like, I don't know. I don't know if he would stand up to modern day cameras. Like, there's a certain amount of stuff I'll let slide,

but like three dudes in a basement saying, yeah, Robert Redford and Steve McQueen, not that good looking. No, no, no, no. I'm not saying that

Robert Redford wasn't handsome, but he is like, he's known for having, that he had like very visible skin. He's not as well known for that as you think he is. I think he's more well known for it than you think he is. Let's consult hologram. I think this was, yeah, I think this was before they did like proactive commercials.

So there was no half hour special on Katy Perry's skin. He must pay really well that if Katy Perry did that. And then there's somebody else now. There's like some other. Edward James Olmos. Yeah, that's it. There's somebody else really famous shilling for them. And I'm like, wow, this company must have a lot of money.

Yeah, and it's never people who are. Well, they're very proactive about finding new spokespeople. But it's never people who are, like, famous for bad skin. It's like, oh, people who are famous for beautiful skin. Yeah. Well, which also stands to reason. They're not going to go out and get, hey, crocodile. You know, a guy who's famous for looking like a crocodile.

Or a crocodile who's famous for looking like a crocodile. Or a crocodile who's famous for looking like a person. That would actually be the real test. A proactive product. And then the subtitles are just like, now everybody thinks I'm a people. Like a super smooth crocodile. Yeah, like a crocodile who's just been swimming and proactive for the last eight months. Man, that's better than any commercial they ever did. Oh boy, that would be like Simon Cowell's greatest triumph.

If he took a crocodile and had them swimming and proactive for a while. Taught them to sing. Yeah, and then he Prague for a while. Taught them to sing. He's actually a crocozole. Yeah. Then he throws a chicken at it and he snaps on live television. Ruins his career. He's famous for he won't travel to a show by plane or by bus. He only goes on one of those giant fan boats.

Like, he'll only travel by, like, bayou adjusance. He only does shows in and around swamps. Why is this guy? He's got, like, lots of really fancy swamp, you know, fan boats. He's like the Seinfeld or the Leno of like. Yeah, he's got one of every Porsche. Pretty good. Yeah, so anyway, that's.

Crocodiles in fan boats getting coffee as his web series. I mean, it's crocodiles in fan boats getting chickens. Sure. I mean, I think that proactive must, it must work. It's been around for like a million years, right? Yeah, I think it's, but I think it's like, isn't it like if you use it, like you can't around, like, it's super toxic is what I gather. Really? I thought that was Accutane.

What's Accutane? Accutane was what, like, a lot of the guys, when I was in high school, the guys with really, really bad skin. Right. That was, like, the final thing that they would try. Was that, like, a pill? It was a pill, I think. And then I think there was, like, some class action. action like it would just dry out your whole like i remember like it changed my my friend's like hair like for like forever really yeah they're for the hair would just be different

or weird maybe i should take it i'm not happy with my hair you got lovely locks no it's a little it's a little um I could use more body. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, you could use like a different conditioner. I've tried. Maybe we're using too much conditioner. No, that can't be the case. For 20 years, I never touched the stuff.

Have you tried using just a body? Oh, yeah. That's what I need. More body. Just like. Bathing blood kind of thing. Yeah, sure. I think you got great hair. Thank you. Yeah. Dave Yeah sure I think you got great hair

Thank you Yeah Dave we both think you got great hair Missing body No it's definitely missing body It's like a Subpar morgue Missing body

Yeah I got Gone Girl over here in my head What is that a song? Gone Girl is a new hit movie. Oh. Starring Ben Affleck as the Gone Girl. Well,

he's the next Gone Girl. It's Gone Girl versus Superman. When is that movie ever coming out? Yeah, I think 2016. Are we talking about

Superman now? Superman versus Batman. Oh, right. Yeah. Pretty easy to solve. Not a ton of suspense going into the big movie everybody's waiting for, Evander Holyfield versus a baby. Like Superman's got superpowers.

Yeah. He fights Batman. Batman has this kryptonite belt. Oh. Wow. That could go either way. Yeah. He fights Batman? Batman has this kryptonite belt. Oh. Well, that could go either way. It's true. Is that his only weakness? Kryptonite? Yeah. And Batman's like, Superman's not super intelligent.

Right? He's super strong, but in the comics he was never like, he didn't have to have to solve riddles from the Riddler. That was Batman's job. You mean the world's greatest detective? Yeah. Right? Because Superman wasn't...

I don't remember him... I think he was probably smart just fine, but you don't use that talent a lot when you can shoot lasers from your eyes. And you can see through walls. Blow cold. Was he a good... Was he a good as clark was he a good

journalist like did did he uh i mean on the superman beat or was that was that all he did yeah like uh he did a lot of like uh private functions for oil companies and stuff like that like a lot of conflict of interest. Well, yeah, he, I don't remember him, like, getting a scoop ever. He was always, like, people were always yelling at him for being late. Yeah, you just missed Superman. Yeah. Like, he wasn't, he wasn't good on the staff.

He was bumbling, if I remember. In the new Superman, since, like, there's no more newspapers. Yeah. In the new Superman movies. He works at a blog no more newspapers. Yeah. In the new Superman movies... He works at a blog. Yeah. He works at BuzzFeed. 15 potatoes that look like Superman. Yeah, I just watched, like, re-watched that, like, the new, new one.

With Henry Cavill? Yeah. Is that the gentleman's name? It's still, like I said it the first time I saw it, I still think he looks like Superman, but he can't look like Clark Kent because he's a gigantic man. And he looks like a hilarious, like any suit on him looks like ill-fitting and like he's a boxer. I watched the Dean Cain one. Like any suit on him looks like ill-fitting and like he's a boxer. I watched the Dean Cain one. The Dean Cain, Terry Hatcher, the show.

Lois and Clark. I think that's the only Superman thing I've ever watched. I think me too. In my life. You must have watched that. If somebody finally made a Superman, you could masturbate to. You guys watched the, did you not watch the one with Christopher Reeve in it? No. No.

Oh, really? Not even the one with Richard Pryor in it. Weird. Huh. Yeah, I was obsessed with those movies when I was a kid.

Really? Yeah. Christopher Reeve, Superman. Yeah. He was Superman. Lex Luthor was Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman for two of them and then it was,

it switched. There was somebody else who played it. I can't remember. And Marlon Brando was Superman's dad? Yeah. Nicolas Cage? Yeah. That's right.

I don't get that joke. Didn't Nicolas Cage named his kid, like? Kal-El. Oh, Kal-El. Really? Jesus. Like, he's. Kal-El Coppola Cage?

Oh, yeah. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. Nicolas Cage is. He's a national treasure. Like he's Kal El Coppola Cage Oh yeah I didn't even think about that Yeah Nicolas Cage is there He's a national treasure Yeah Is that what you were going to say? He's something

But Lois and Clark was a Kind of like a romantic comedy With the Superman twist Yeah Was he Superman a lot in it? Yeah Yeah But you know what? Was he Superman a lot in it? Yeah. Yeah?

But you know what? I did watch a lot of it. I remember very little of it. I remember in the first episode, he stopped a bus. It was about to hit someone, and he left a big handprint in the front of the bus. Oh, I think that was in the promos,

I think. Yeah, yeah. Because then couldn't they dust it for prints and be like, hey, this is Clark Kent's hand. Somebody from a different planet doesn't have fingerprints like the rest of us. Oh, yeah. That's the thing.

They must have had to explain that in comics. Like, why didn't they just dust for fingerprints? Because he was always touching stuff. He was always, you know what I mean? He didn't wear gloves. He was one of the few superheroes who wore no gloves. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you're a new father. I'm a new father. Yep. Did they take fingerprints of the few superheroes who wore no gloves. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're a new father. I'm a new father. Yep. Did they take fingerprints of the baby? No. No. I assumed that was a thing they did. Like, well, if your baby's like a perp, but like how do they dust for fingerprints?

You have to already be in the registry. Yeah. You have to have already committed a crime. I assumed that there was some like stick your baby's foot in ink. Yeah, so did I. No, no, no. There have been attempts to like, there was some, I think one of the Rockefellers maybe, like the Rockefeller who was governor of New York.

Rockefeller, y'all. Yeah, no, sorry, it was Jay-Z when he was governor of New York. And he, like they were, there's always someone to come around and say like, we should have a national fingerprint, but like usually someone with fascistic leanings be like, Hey, why don't we all swab our cheeks and also give me your email password. Uh, but, but yeah, no, there's no like dusting for fingerprints as far as i understand is like a way uh overblown in our minds um component of crime fighting because i remember that's all i know about crime yeah i remember a friend of mine like their house got broken into we were like in

high school and they like dusted for fingerprints or whatever and they like on his dad's like bathroom cup like the cup that he would drink water from every night like he couldn't even find his fingerprints on that cup i mean in fairness he lived in keystone and these were the keystone cups oh that, that's right. So bummed. But it was like, I don't know. Just seems... We can't find any fingerprints on this cup.

Oh, I don't know why that would be. He's resting his hands in acid at the time. Oh, that must be a mistake. We see finger shapes. Well, I think that fingerprinting is overplayed.

Yeah, that's right. His father was a hologram. He was one of the early holodads. Can you hold this cup for me? Sure. Smash. I'm regular. Oh, what a weird place to dust for prints.

Like, what would they think that the robber was playing a prank with his... Well, I mean, it was a very odd robbery in that when they came home, everything in the house was gone but the camera and toothbrushes. So, they developed the film and just in the house was gone, but the camera and toothbrushes. So they develop the film, and just in the meantime, they're brushing their teeth. They're brushing their teeth. That's one of the worst things about digital cameras

is that it's killed that urban legend forever. Yeah. The legend is, well, I always... Yeah, the legend is that the photos are all pictures of the. Of the perps sticking a toothbrush up their bum. But it was always told as like. This happened. Yeah, this happened to a guy I knew.

The car was stolen. Right. And then they go, oh my God, the car is stolen. Right from our own house. And then the car reappears and it's like, my wife was pregnant. I had to rush her to the hospital. I hotwired your car. We're so sorry.

Thank you so much. Here are two Canucks tickets or whatever sports franchise in the town. And then, so then the night that you all go to the game. They rob you? Then when you come back, the house is empty. It's just a camera. So it's like legend on top of legend? Yeah.

It's a double legend sandwich. But then a cute small Mexican dog walks by. Yeah. And there's a cactus in the corner going, oh. and there's a cactus in the corner going I always heard it with like a vacation thing like they stole everything out of our hotel room because that's a more

manageable amount of stuff to steal except for the camera and the toothbrush when you think don't touch those toothbrushes that's my favorite part of the whole thing

it's like well nothing else to do get those toothbrushes start brushing and in my version they're brushing

their teeth the whole time they're waiting for the film to develop it's the only thing that's chewing me up anymore

and then the just the frothiest spit take you've ever seen. Oh, the worst day of my life just got worse. Ass brushes. Oh, man. I guess I would do that if I robbed a house, right? Yeah. Well, why not? Yeah. I'm only going to do robbed a house Right? Yeah Well why not? Yeah

I'm only gonna do this once Yeah Well who knows I mean What drove you to rob a house In the first place? I just didn't want to have Any regrets

Yeah Also my butthole Was so itchy Yeah I've got a particular Itch that needs scratching Strangers do that Yeah

Oh man I've got a particular itch that needs scratching. Strangest tooth. Yeah. Oh, man. Dave, what's going on with you? Now that we caught up with Charlie. Not much. Like, have the baby. We have a baby. Still good.

17 days old at this point point Is this your second podcast since Second in studio We did a live one the other night Which will be released In a couple days I'm sure I haven't listened yet It might not be released It might sound terrible

It'll probably be released But yeah so I've been trying to We haven't been doing much The only time just keeping a life. Yeah. Just keeping the flame of life flickering. Uh, one day we went to, uh, I think it was like five days after the baby was born. We went to this, uh, La Leche league.

Oh, wow. What is that? It's like a breastfeeding group. I literally thought it was some sort of sport. Like, or canasta or something. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what I thought little AJ was. Anyways, go on. And I,

because before the... They're intensely pro-breast milk. Oh, well, yeah, that's their whole thing. That's their whole league. If you go to a Formula One event. Sure, yeah. Pretty good. milk oh well yeah that's their their whole thing whole league well because we went to a formula one event yeah pretty good um but like before the baby was born i went to all the like prenatal stuff i went to a breastfeeding class and then i was like is this am i is this going to be a women's only thing and abby was like no no it's i'm sure you're welcome there. And I show up with the baby, with Abby, and I'm the only man there. Of course.

And I sit down and I'm like, should I go? And then like the lead lady comes up to me and she's like, just so you know, it's just kind of a women's only thing. And so I'm immediately like handing off the baby to Abby. And I'm like, no, no worries. I understand. And she just keeps explaining it to Abby. And I'm like, no, no worries. I understand. And she just keeps explaining it to me. It's kind of like about lactating.

If you were lactating, it would be completely different. And I was like, yeah, no, I heard you. I'm leaving as quickly as I can. Message received. So it just makes some of the women a little uncomfortable if there's a man. Got it. I'm out. And so I had like two hours

to kill and uh the one thing i've noticed just being off and like having nothing to do in the day if if abby's doing something with the baby um is there the weirdest people aren't the people you find out at like three in the morning uh out and about. The weirdest people are the people who are just out and about at 10 in the morning. Yeah, that's true. There's some pretty weird. When I used to work at a coffee shop, there were people that would come in at like one in the afternoon. I'd be like, these people are, they're weird.

These are the weird, like they don't, they clearly don't have a job. Or if they do, they're weird night people jobs. And they're just rolling in. And yeah, there was some, there was some odd ducks. Not all of them, but yeah. Are they like ducks in the afternoon? Yeah. Shumming in.

Yeah. Aflac, et cetera. Living out high on that spokesman money, spokes duck money. Spokes duck. high on that spokesman money, spokes duck money. Spokes duck. So what I did that day is I went to Safeway

and just did some grocery shopping and there was like these two teenagers in there. Skipping school. Well, school was just back in session. It was like they were on strike for a few weeks. Right, right.

And then there were these two guys in the safeway that started following them and i'm like oh no these guys and they were like they were whispering about these kids in the the safeway and they're like following around looking at them i was like am i gonna see a fight oh wow but it was uh just undercover security guards. Right. Following them to the bulk section. They've got really baggy pants. Yeah. Start loading up. And they were, I started following around these undercover security guards. Who's following you? Yeah, exactly.

The Watchmen. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Two weeks of father. He's still getting the Watchmen jokes before I do. And the undercover, I've never seen undercover security guards before. Oh, really? And they were like, you know, early 20s guys, not terribly bright.

No, yeah. And just sort of following people around. But dressed in just plain clothes? Yeah, dressed like you or me in jeans and t-shirts. They're dressed in just plain clothes? Yeah, dressed like you or me in jeans and t-shirts. No, they're dressed like awkward Superman. Like muscles into a tiny suit.

Secret service earpiece. Yeah. Excuse me, where are the eggs? But I followed them around for a while, and these teenagers they were following had nothing. They weren't stealing anything and then i totally saw a guy in like the kleenex aisle like a 70 year old man with his backpack open just putting boxes of kleenex in his backpack if he's if that the guy's a mastermind it's an old man who works with teenagers yeah and it's like skippy dippy you guys run in there look suspicious and then we'll meet after and we'll all blow our nose and so and then eventually the security guards entered that aisle and they saw the guy doing it

and they didn't do anything about it the guy just walked out of the store and they saw the guy doing it and they didn't do anything about it. The guy just walked out of the store and they just followed him kind of a bit but didn't like apprehend him. Yep. Follow him and out of our jurisdiction. Well, it's interesting

because private, like store, private, whatever's, I think they do have to wait for you to get out of the store because that's the proof that you...

Because you could say, oh, I'm still gonna pay for this yeah i just carry hummus to the cashier in my pocket yeah but uh in this giant jacket i have but but then also if as if once you get out into a parking lot and a uh um a like a safeway detective is like, get back in here. No, don't think I will. I'm also out in the universe now. You have zero power.

Safeway detective. I can't figure out if that's like the greatest job or it would just be the, because you're just walking around in a grocery store for eight hours. The worst thing, like the thing that tipped me off was these guys were just walking around in a grocery store for eight hours. But the worst thing, like the thing that tipped me off was these guys were just walking around in a grocery store not carrying baskets or anything. Yeah. Like they didn't, they meant to blend in with everyone, but they weren't picking up anything

off the, they weren't shopping. You see ads for that when you, if you look for jobs, like there's, that's always hiring is. Right. What do they call them? They're called like. Store detectives. Secret shoppers. Secret shoppers. Yeah. That's what it is. Wait, that's always hiring. What do they call them? They're called like store detectives. Secret shoppers.

Secret shoppers. Yeah. That's what it is. Wait, that's something else. Is that something else? You're thinking of Secret Santa. Yeah. No, I think it's Secret Shopper.

Secret Santas are guys dressed as Santa who follow kids around stores. I think You're busted. A Secret Shopper is something that you either go to a store

or you go to like a company's website and you use it. And then you fill out surveys based on that. So you go to whatever, Best Buy, and then if the customer service stinks, then you, I see. Ah, that's what that is. I think that's what that is. So these guys. You go, I was a secret shopper and the cat's out of the bag. You stink.

Give me a laptop. Yeah, you could pull that card, you know. I don't know if you would have to have a badge. Can I see your secret shopper badge? Forget it. I mean, I guess if you're a store detective, like the first couple shifts might feel slightly adventurous. Yeah. You know, there's a cloak and dagger element.

It would be like a kid's game of like, you know, you got a bead on somebody, you're following them, you're pretending to be somebody not. But I imagine after a few shifts, it's just like, oh, my whole job is humiliating poor people. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. My entire job is like, well, that grandmother seems to be stealing cheese for the children and her care. Yeah. You're going down, bitch. But like the cashiers are told that there's going to be detectives, right?

Because wouldn't they be like, boy, those guys have sure been hanging out here a long time. I guess so. I think the cashiers probably caught on to it pretty quick as well. Well, yeah, I guess if you caught on to it within minutes. And I'm really dumb. I don't think I've ever seen that before. I've definitely seen like just regular security guards like grab a guy yeah i've seen department store but uh i once saw them in in a drug store and they just like were super calmly like hi there we're uh we just need to come back here we're gonna take your picture and you're

never welcome here again oh wow oh that's it i guess yeah because they could call the cops and stuff but otherwise it's just like you're just banned. Yeah, basically. Huh. Because, yeah, I've seen like, I remember kids, especially like when people used to buy CDs, that was like a real heat score, the HMV. Oh, really? Yeah. I remember the security guards, like if they needed to grab a kid to make a quota or whatever they do, HMV was it.

Well, the weird thing is like how often do you go into a store and set the alarm off and no one does anything? Yeah, like almost every time I go into one. A thousand percent of the time. And the worst thing is like I set it off going into the store. It doesn't look suspicious, but I'm like whatever's on me is going to set it off when I when i go out of the store oh that's something i shoplifted from the last time get that naked guy this is a misunderstanding i'm a member of la leche league the men's auxiliary we're not allowed in the meetings, but...

Yeah, yeah. But we just love milk. Yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Is that an ongoing thing, the Lillet J League? That's a, like,

it's a support group? Yeah, sort of. It's like, breastfeeding's tricky. Yeah. The baby, baby doesn't know how to do it.

Mom's never done it before. Yeah, it's true baby doesn't know how to do it. Mom's never done it before. Yeah, it's true. I don't know anything about it. And I read all those European magazines about it. Neep. Yeah. So. Have you tasted breast milk?

No. Have you? Yeah. What's it like? Well, I mean, just as a baby, I didn't know. I, uh. Have you, have you tasted breast milk? Um, no. Have you? Yeah. What's it like? Well, I mean, just as a baby, I didn't know. I'm kidding. I, I, yeah, no, I tasted. Well, cause I just figured like, we've got so much of this stuff, like just in my life.

And you're like, I don't want to go out to the store and pick up milk. Yeah. So, I mean, I didn't have a ton or anything, but I just had like a sip. It's just the, it's just ultra sweet, thin milk. It's like if somebody had like stirred in like several packets of sugar into like some skim milk. And had slightly warmed it up. That's kind of what it tastes like. Wait, slightly?

Are you drinking it out of the boob? Well, come on. But no, but I mean mean i had it fairly fresh there was a company that in england made ice cream from it and it was like super expensive and like i'm sure yeah i don't know like whatever it's the most dangerous game yeah i don't know like why it was a big deal. Like, it got a lot of press. It just seems like the kind of thing, like, you'd buy one time.

Yeah. Like, nobody's going to be like, all I can eat is some breast milk. I'm reverse weaning. I'm getting a good taste for it. Yeah. I mean, I don't think. My teeth are starting to disappear. What's happening to me?

I can't imagine that. Yeah, I mean, I don't think... My teeth are starting to disappear. What's happening to me? I can't imagine that. Yeah, what was Ben Buttons? What was his deal with Breslin? Yeah, I guess he would have... When he was born, he had pork chops and then worked his way down

to liver and onions. Sure. Met a measle. Oh, yeah, well, because very old, old people eat slightly babyishly. Yeah. Yeah. sure met a measle oh yeah well cause very old old people eat slightly babyishly

yeah yeah I never saw the movie did you see the movie I fast forwarded through it okay you should have rewound it and then you're like

what's the big deal with this movie kid gets older snore yeah end of story yeah I didn't uh kid gets older meets Cate blanchett in the middle

yeah i didn't see the movie either yeah but it's you know it's one of those concept like that's the one he gets a golden ticket he gets to go to see the chocolate factory yeah benjamin bucket you know he's about to die so he wants to strike things off as Benjamin Bucket List. Was Bucket List the movie? Did that force that phrase into existence? Yes, we've talked about this a hundred times. Because I don't know anyone who's seen that movie, and yet it's a ubiquitous phrase.

I mean, I do want to see the movie eventually. It's one ubiquitous phrase. I mean, I do want to see the movie eventually. It's one of those things. The bucket list. It's such a tacky phrase. Morgan Freeman and who? Jack Nicholson? No, Jack Nicholas. Oh, that's right.

The golfer. Yeah, that's right. Jack Nicholson and the bucket list. Yeah, and he's done with acting, is what I heard. That he's retired because he can't remember things. Is that true? That's what I read on the cover.

But he's as good as it gets. That's true. That's true. But he's also a little one-flew-over-the-cook. Well, I just can't wait to get a load of him. Stop the press. Who is that? I was wondering, like, when Jack Nicholson dies,

like, that'll be huge, right? Like, that'll be like a gigando. Because he's kind of like, nobody's as big anymore as he. Yeah. Like, isn't he kind of the biggest celebrity still extant? No. I don't know.

Who's bigger than him for longer? Bigger for longer? Well, you're not going to like this. He's got terrible skin. No, but see like Robert Redford is First of all, I want to go on the record as saying Robert Redford is First of all I want to go on the record As saying

Robert Redford is great I love Robert Redford You just wish he would Cut out the chocolate bars No I'm saying I'm glad He didn't come along

In the High def Right You can see The makeup phase Oh, because then He would be like He probably wouldn't

Have been a superstar Yeah, he probably Would have just been playing You you know, the ugly friend. Yeah. It's like maybe Douglas Fairbanks had a voice like this. Sure. And if he'd come along during the talkie, like if he sounded like Wallace Shawn, Douglas Fairbanks would not have been the greatest, you know, film star.

Certainly that's inconceivable. Yeah. Affleck. Wallace Shawnivable. Affleck. Um, well, it's Sean from those Affleck. So, so,

well, Sean, whom I also love incidentally. Yeah. So you're excited for Jack Nicholson's untimely demise. Well, first of all, I don't know that it would be all that on time.

No, that's true. He's an elderly man. Um, no, but I mean, I just, I was thinking about like, like who of the, I don't know,

like, I guess Brad Pitt or George Clooney, they're like the modern day equivalents of like what Jack Nicholson was, but I feel like there is no, like, that's a category that like, when I came into the world, Jack Nicholson was bigger than anything in the universe. He was bigger than anything in the universe the whole time I've been alive. Like, that doesn't really happen anymore. But he's still, like, you say he was bigger than anything in the universe the whole time you were alive. He's not, though. Like, he's the 500th most famous person right now.

Is he, though? Yeah, at this point. Because I wonder how many... If you go to any amateur amateur night if anyone's doing like impressions you don't think people are doing uh drake and josh yeah because uh i don't know who josh is what what would people know say say like, you know, an 18 or 20 year old, what would they know Jack Nicholson from? If they weren't like a kid that watched old movies, maybe.

I guess so. As good as it gets, they would know, or maybe they would know. Batman they would know him from. I wonder. The kids know Batman. I didn't see those old Supermans. The Shining. That's true.

Yeah, The Shining, I guess. Kids all watch The Shining. That's true. On their birthday. man i didn't see those old supermans the shining true yeah the shining i guess i'll watch the shining that's true on their birthday on their fifth birthday kids gotta learn about the shining sometimes like for most of my life he's been like as famous for sitting in the front row at basketball games as he is. But that's what I mean. That's how famous he is. He sits at the front of the Oscars wearing sunglasses. Right. Yeah, I was watching.

Like some sort of dog from a beer commercial in the 1980s. Yeah, Spuds McKenzie. Well, when Spuds McKenzie died. Yeah, where were you when? The day the barking died. But I was watching a baseball game yesterday, a Dodgers game, and Larry King was in the front row. Yeah. And he's wearing the suspenders, like right behind the catcher on his phone the whole time. Wearing them over a baseball jacket.

Larry King. I would love to know what like Larry King's take home is like every month or whatever he's been divorced like yeah

eight times or something like that he still does a show even though like it's more like infomercial yeah it's a proactive

yeah and he's never had a suspender sponsor well that's true call it from Tulsa tell us about your combination skin tell us about And he's never had a suspender sponsor. Well, that's true. Call him from Tulsa. Tell us about your combination skin. Tell us about your oily T-zone.

Yeah, I think Larry King is this generation's Jack Nicholson. He's been in as many movies. Yeah, he's the greatest generation's Jack Nicholson Like Larry King is like Celine Dion's husband Rene Angélil Rene Angélil was on the Titanic For his grandson's golden wedding anniversary Well no, it's funny Larry King and Jack Nicholson

They're both in a lot of movies. They both pretty much play themselves. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Larry King was in Ghostbusters. He was in Dave. Yeah, I think he was probably in the Smurfs movies.

Smurfs on line two. Gargamel. Gargamel. I mean, when a lot of times when you get somebody to appear as themselves, like a figure from the news or entertainment news and they show up in a movie, it's usually in a terrible movie. Oh, yeah. Except Dave. Or Ghostbusters. Well, does anybody ever like look like, because that's got to be embarrassing if you're like, well, I was going to say if you're Jay Leno and you show up, but I mean, he doesn't mind.

Yeah, he doesn't mind. He doesn't know. He was the guy that you could get for that. That's true. You know what I mean? Like, I'm sure he had a rate, you know, Jay Leno tells fake joke about fake presents. Yeah, he has a rate, but he doesn't spend any of that money. No, no. Yeah.

That just goes right to the bank. Wouldn't that be like somebody who wrote a whole movie around, like, you remember how Ed Wood wrote whole movies around, like, the B footage that he could get? Yeah, yeah. Like, if somebody's like, look, we can make a movie that stars Jay Leno, and Jay Leno won't even know that he's starring in this movie. We'll just string together all of these little fake Jay Leno movie appearances. And then clips of him driving his dumb cars around LA.

And that's Jay Leno the movie. You demanded it. We delivered it. Oh, wow. How'd you get all this footage of Jay Leno driving jalopies off a cliff? We didn't. It's just old footage of driving jalopies off a cliff. We didn't. It's just old footage of old

jalopies. It's called Awuga, the Jay Leno story. Graham, what's going on with you? Well, speaking of movies, all things old movies, one of my favorite things

to do in the recent weeks is watch old, uh, Siskel and Ebert reviews. Oh man. Oh, it is a treat because you can never guess going in. You're like, oh, I have no idea what Siskel and Ebert thought of cool world. Two thumbs down. Two thumbs down. Two thumbs down. Two thumbs down. It was.

They would always start the show so hostile to one another. It was funny. There's never been a show like it since that I can think of where it's like two that. They both have the same basic opinions about movies. It's not like. I love the frothy summer movies. And he only likes the. But they were like the crossfire. For movies originally.

They grew closer together over the course of. But originally that was the idea. Was it was supposed to be antagonistic. Oh because yeah. They always felt like. Because one was from the Chicago sun. And one was from the Chicago moon. Whatever the other. Trib whatever the other tribune the tribune opposites in every way total opposites except like that's what i love when we're like there are total opposites he's a white film

critic in chicago and he's uh also a white male film critic in Chicago. They couldn't be more different because they work for slightly different newspaper chains. One would watch the movies in a theater and one would have to watch them outside in a park. But have you ever seen the YouTube footage of Gene Siskel just going off? Oh, when he was kind of like... Like, when they're, like in between takes. When they're like play fighting. Yeah, there's footage of them like filming promos.

Oh, is that where he says like, oh, if you could stop eating popcorn or something like that? Oh, yeah. Like he tears it in. He's really mean to him. But the other thing is he's like, he's just going on about

how like wasps, how much he hates, like Siskel was Jewish. And he's just going on about like country club wasp idiots and blah, blah, blah. Like, it's so awesome. I don't like the fat jokes against Ebert. Like those aren't as charming. But then he just goes off on this, like this tear about like a wasp, you know, like goy

idiots. Like it's really funny. Yeah. It's weird. Anyways, it's really funny. Yeah, it's weird. Anyways, it's just such a, it's funny that like 30 years later,

you were talking about Robert Redford, maybe wouldn't have made it in the HD era. Like, movie reviewers haven't gotten more telegenic. No,

they certainly have not. Yeah, movie reviewers and I think also, I would say like male sports guys haven't got handsomer. But female sports guys.

Boy oh boy. It is like you do when you see promos for like male female news teams. That's all you like if an alien came to earth and you had to like explain sexism and you

had like one second. You'd just be like oh look at that poster. They have the same job. That's what she needs to look like to have the same job as Quasimodo standing next to her. Yeah, guy doesn't even bother wearing his jacket. He's got his jacket off, shirt rolled up,

you know? Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, no, it is crazy. But you're right. Movie reviewers have stayed in the same yeah it's not it's not something we care about i guess but also like just in the like twitter social media like who like nobody there are no famous movie reviewers anymore are there i guess the most recent famous movie reviewer is the the um antoine saint projection no what's the the uh red bearded guy is he a movie oh harry nulls oh right was he a movie reviewer kind of but he would love everything that was the thing that he liked because he just went on junkets right wasn't that

his whole he i don't know. He ended up getting... People would send him stuff, you know, stuff from the set or raw footage or... Yeah. So he did, though. He would write reviews, but they would be always very... Like, he loved all the things that he... That's all he reviewed. Oh, sure, yeah.

He didn't, like, review Oscar contending movies. But, like, who are the famous movie reviewers? Jean Shalit? A looker. Yeah, exactly. Pauline Kael, but she was more like in print. Right. Rotten Tomato.

Rotten Tomato. He's doing very well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Leonard Maltin. Well, that was the Simpsons joke, right? That Lisa was, when Marge was putting together her film festival, she's like, do you know that there's 600 whatever film critics on TV and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of all of them? Oh, man. Yeah, because Siskel was no prize.

No, no. Not in the looks department. But, you know, that's a fun game. If you're bored for... What do you do? On YouTube? Yeah. And they'll just have...

It'll just be... Just put in Siskel, Ebert, Cool World. Hollywood, if she could. Good. I saw Cool World in the theater. Did you really? Yeah. How old were you?

The same age as you. When you saw Cool World in the theater. I don't? How old were you? The same age as you. When you saw Cool World in the theater. I don't know when it came out. I think I saw it when I was about 12. Yeah, it was like 91, 92. But I rented it with a group of guys to maybe like, hey, I wonder if this, I know this cartoon becomes Kim Basinger, but I don't know if it becomes nude Kim Basinger. It doesn't. I think that that was just an attempt to like all those people who wanted to stoop Jessica Rabbit.

Right. Right. Of course. Where like, so they were like, hmm, people seem to really want to have sex with cartoons these days. So let's make a movie about Kim Basinger. I'd like to get in her fern gully. I love this movie producer.

Yeah. Leaning back. See, people seem to really want to, you know, well, cause I remember like, I forgot what I,

why I was Googling. I was looking up something. Naked Wilma Flintstone. Jessica or like I typed in, anyway, Google auto-filled searches for Jessica Rabbit. Made a name. It was like Jessica Rabbit naked. Jessica Rabbit realistic. Jessica Rabbit blah, blah, blah.

And it's like, it's been 30 years and people still want to fuck that drawing. Yeah, it is. It's, I'm curious about her maiden name. Jessica Rabbit. Yeah. Jessica Rabbit,

nay weasel. Yeah. Jessica Rabbit, nay badger. That's really funny. I didn't really, but like, I know that the internet, like if you can think it yeah the internet someone else has also thought it and it's out there oh krupnik

krupnik jessica krupnik yeah i can see why she changed it yeah for show business yeah um so that's a thing oh okay and then uh the other night um we charlie and i were we were on the island doing uh the debaters yeah and jamaica you're on island time that's right and uh you know after the show's done everybody wants to go and grab a drink somewhere. And it was impossible. I've never had such a hard time. Nanaimo. Okay. So, you know, what time did the show end?

10? Yeah, I mean, it ended around 10. We hung out for a little bit. That's right. In the backstage. We hung out for longer than usual. And then we were walking out, and it was was just like we go to one place and there's there's some open mic guitar playing happening at just an insane intensity yeah so like that was

that okay so this is no where even the waitress was kind of saying it was like we won't take it personally if you've reassessed being here yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like totally like a guy just screaming into the microphone playing. And then he goes, I guess he had a buddy in the audience, obviously. And then he's like, hey, Steve, you do it for a bit. And then he was just playing the guitar. And then the guy at the bar was supposed to start singing. So like originals? Oh,als oh yeah oh they were the original yeah and then we went to what genre um scream folk all right i'll scream

acoustic acoustic aneurysm oh that's the name of my friend's band. And then we went to second. They're like, oh, this is a cool. We'll go to this spot. And it was closed. It was closing. Oh, yeah. We walked in. It was beautiful.

It was the exact perfect place. All right. And they were like. Huge and like big tables. Yeah, and just a real warm, welcoming pub. Played a big, beautiful nachos or something. They're like, we just closed the tables. Yeah, and just a real warm, welcoming pub. Played a big, beautiful nachos or something. They're like, we just closed the kitchen. Yeah.

These were the kinds of things we had been making in it. Yeah. All we just did, last call. No, it's still like, it's 11 o'clock, 1130 or something. Last call. And this was on a Sunday night, New Year's Eve. Yeah. Sorry, I was trying to think.

Christmas Eve. That's what I meant. Like, I was trying to think. Christmas Eve. That's what I meant. Like the worst possible time to go. You know, like New Year's Eve, a night where no one's out drinking. And then, so then somebody, either the waitress. The bartender there. She told us to go to, she's like, oh, well, there's this place, the Palace Hotel or something like that, I think. And we go in and it is the scariest bar.

Walk in, it's light. There's a stripper pole right with blood on it. Jesus. Well, it wouldn't have been that far a stretch. And we're like, well. There was a stripper shower, but it was outside on the patio. It was outside on the patio. It was outside on the patio. So you got the impression, like, maybe that's actually where they're washing.

Yeah, so they said, oh, you can go out on the patio, and it was just. Take a shower. And there was barbed wire around the patio. And anyways, it was scarifying. There was a group of guys and we all ordered two pitchers and got maybe three gulps into our drink. It was like, okay, let's go. Yeah, we left a great deal of beer on the table. And the people at the neighboring table, I mean, I give it, it must have been seven seconds before they came over and just started drinking from our pictures but it's i've never had that before like it's always hard to find

something to eat in a in a smaller town after a show but uh finding a place to drink usually not that difficult yeah but man that was uh i don't like just even sitting down i was like why are we sitting down here at this crazy you know oh that's how i feel anytime there's like a you know something to like rally everyone together well and then because that's the other thing that was a laleche league meeting happening as well on the patio that's what the shower was. It was a milk shower. Milk shower? This is sugary sweet. But just like a, whenever it's like, I'm always the guy in the, you know, if there's eight people, I'm the one who wants to go the eighth most. Yeah. Like, oh, if we got to cut this short, I won't be upset, guys.

I keep reminding everyone. Yeah. short i won't be upset guys i keep reminding everyone yeah it was just like i don't know just the fact that we ended up there like it couldn't have been more you know if you were trying to write a scene in a movie like man walks into cd bar like okay what are the elements we need barbed wire wire, some stripper pole, some drunk guy like falling over in the corner. A buzzing speaker as you walk in of just like. And then you get outside, it was like Panama. It wasn't hip hop at all. Yeah, it was like 80s. It was like acoustic aneurysm.

So the songs we heard were Madonna's Like a Prayer. That was playing when we came in. Just like a mystery. Next song. Hey. Oh, pardon me. My phone's ringing. Don't worry about it. One of the other, like it was anyway, it was like, but every next song was, you were like,

of course that was the next song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, and I think it was called like the Palace Hotel. It sounds like a Wes Anderson movie. And it looked really charming. It was like this little brick building on this little kind of cul-de-sac-y kind of half alleyway road. But it was just like, boy, it was like...

It was less cul-de-sac-y, more nut-sac-y. You got it. Yeah. It was brutal. So that, you know, so that happened. And that's like what Nanaimo used to be. And now they've kind of like prettified it. Like it used to be what?

Like a real port city? It was a port city, you know, mayor's chosen via knife fight. Like it was a seedy kind of, it was not like a pleasant, it wasn't known to be like a nice pleasant place. And now you go and it's like, oh wow, it's like, this is quite beautiful.

Oh yeah, it's all like boutique-y shops and tiki shops. Boutique-y bars all like boutique-y shops and tiki shops. Boutique-y bars. Boutique-y shops, tiki bars. But then you're like, oh, well, where do I go to find the essence of old Nanaimo? And it's like, oh. Anywhere. It's surging underneath everything.

It's a subterranean river of late 80s, early 90s Nanaimo. It's in the smile on a baby's face. It's in the brass knuckles on a baby's fist. Yeah. It's in the sleeveless denim jacket on a tattooed baby. Tough babies there. Yeah. Tough babies.

Yeah, so it was- I buy all my clothes at tough babies t-u-f-f right yeah i don't baby babies the s is backwards on babies too what kind of construction boots do you have here for my tough baby we got timber wands um do you have anything to tie my baby and another baby's hand together for a knife fight they're having later? Do you know, I only learned this like this week for some reason, but in the Beat It video, a lot of the extras. Were real gangsters? They were real bloods and crips. Really? Yeah.

That's nice that they came together for the video. Yeah, that was Michael Jackson's plan of like, hey, let's build unity through extra work, I guess. Yeah. Let's build one super gang. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You guys. Because no one wants to be defeated.

But have you ever, like, have you watched the video and tried to gauge who's an actor and who's Siskel? And who's Siskel? Who's Evert? Who would they go for? Who would they go for? That's what their thing was. Most of the extras in that video were Bloods. Would you go for?

Bloods, C, and film grips. That would be amazing. Yeah. The lyric to that song, beat it, beat it. No one wants to be defeated. Show them how funky strong is your fight. Yeah. Yeah.

How funky strong is your fight? Pretty, well, mostly funky. Less strong. But then it doesn't matter who's wrong or right. Right. Just beat it. The message is, because this isn't beat it like it's surrender. Get out of there, right?

Yeah, sure. Oh, I thought it was about a bunch of guys getting together and just doing what comes naturally. Yeah, it's the only pop song about crackers. Good stuff, guys. Yeah, I'm going to do all urban myths of my whole childhood. Was the cracker thing an urban myth? Nobody's ever played crackers in real life. I don't understand what's happening. You know, the bunch of guys get together.

Christmas Crackers? Yeah, Christmas Crackers. With your family. Oh, Crackers. You crumble up Crackers. What's it called? The Ookie Cookie. Oh.

Yeah. See, I figure that because the story exists, there had to at least be a group of guys who did it. Like a copycat cookies. Yeah, exactly. Copycat cracker cookies. Well, the thing about it is one of the ways you know it's fake is that there's

nothing pleasurable or to be gained or like there's nothing good about it. But isn't it like a hazing ritual for like, that's how I always heard it, it was like a fraternity thing. Well, I mean, the other thing about it

that makes no sense from an anthropological standpoint is that it rewards fast coming. Yeah. Like it's like, yeah, I always win crackers because I have premature ejaculation. And I thrive in an environment where there's a bunch of guys standing around a cracker. So, like, what even does, like, if you imagine the scenario, like, the bully, the, like like boss bully the haha I never have to eat the crackers because I come fastest

because all you guys just really made me like normally don't come that fast but if we're all if I'm standing around a cracker

with a bunch of my buds I might not win this round I've played crackers ten times today it's it's my favorite game. I feel like, you know,

call in if you've ever played Crackers. Yeah. But I don't think anyone's ever done that. It's like, I can remember

reading something about the gerbil thing and it's like, Richard Gere? Yeah. And it's like, why his name got attached to it?

I mean, that is so unfair. Like, how come it didn't change from celebrity to celebrity over time? It's still just Richard Gere. Because I heard the thing, like there's the one about the stomach pump. Oh, is it Mick Jagger? Well, I've heard Mick Jagger. I've heard Rod Stewart.

What's the stomach pump? Well, like they collapsed at a party. A celebrity collapsed at a party and had to have their stomach pumped. It was just full of semen. I mean, what made them collapse? And like the hydration? No. The ambulance is coming. No, that's the last thing I want.

Yeah, that's true, eh? Poor Richard Gere just got like a pinned tweet. Yeah. It's just for eternity. Yeah, but it'll always be you. Yeah. All the other urban legends will migrate. Yeah. And he's a Buddhist so his urban legend

should transmigrate more than anybody's. Right. And they love all living things. You can't be a Zen Buddhist who also suffocates rodents with your anus. But if he lives a very long time, will that be in his obituary of Richard Gere? Probably best known from the Mervin legend.

Also, he wanted you to know, he never... Oh, never mind. I'm having a really dark... That's what it is on his IMDb. He's had an open casket funeral just gerbil on his imdb it's uh known for pretty woman an officer and a gentleman and putting a gerbil i mean it's so unfair the other thing is like did anyone who like came up with that had they ever seen an anus like there's no because it always like, he puts the gerbil in a tube,

and then he puts the tube up his ass. And for reasons defying all biological, like, what we know, the gerbil crawls into his ass. Yeah. Fuck off.

It's spread primarily by kids. I've heard another urban legend related to that. Maybe not Richard Gere, but it was like, you know, two gay guys. Yeah. And then, oh, we can't get it out. Here, let me get my lighter and look in there to get a better look. Yeah. Oh, something caught fire and the gerbil got shot out.

Oh, no, that one's true. That one was in the New York Times. I just remember it like pre-sex knowledge childhood. And I don't even know if this still happens, like, cause kids just have all this stuff with it.

But I remember like a friend telling me about ejaculate and he was like, oh, there's this thing called cum and it comes out of your penis and it's purple. And I was like, well, I don't think that's true. And he was like oh there's this thing called cum and it comes out of your penis and it's purple and i was like well i don't think that's true and he was like well i've had it and then and then it was like the summer there yeah and then it was like all this talk about like um you know a girl who had gone out with some older boys and like they put a chocolate bar in her vagina like you know like just eventually maggots were in i mean it's just it rotted you remember these kids and like so so i know girl this happened to patient zero of the

chocolate bar in the vagina story he was just he was lying with the confidence of a psychopath but you remember when you were a kid there would be kids who would lie to you as a way of almost daring you to like it was a way of bullying you they would lie so flagrantly and the weird thing is it's like these stories are always about a girl in our school. Yeah. It's like teenagers who are so bored by regular sex already. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I had a friend who, like, he kept, he would be like, he was a pathological liar. Yeah.

As a kid. I'm sure he's not anymore, but he told me he had Hulk Hogan's phone number. number and i was like well give it to me he's like oh no i can't and it wasn't a you know it wasn't a time when people had cell phones so it was like i was like oh can we go over to your house after school and call the hulk hogan phone. And he was like, yeah, we totally can. And then he would call and be like, that's busy. And he would just keep the line going, you know, indefinitely. Like, yeah, just, yeah. I never had the guts to like call a guy on something like, I would just think, well, that doesn't seem like it can be true, but also why would he say it to me?

Like, it's the whole like Hitler thing of like like tell big lies because people hear little lies all the time and if you tell a big lie then oh yeah why would someone say that they'd have to be psychotic but then there's the one in you know a hundred where the guy says oh if you lick a steel post in the winter like your tongue will stick to it and you're like like, no way. Yeah. And that's how that happens. Right. Cause that, do kids still do that? That was a Hitler.

That was Hitler's big lie. Yeah. Yeah. That's why everyone, everyone believed him. Cause he was right about the post. Yeah. Hitler and the poles.

That wasn't really a joke so much as an opportunity for us all to go. See that something has happened. But yeah, I wonder if kids still do that. What, to lick the pole? No, no, no. Climate change ruined that. Oh, yeah. Global warming.

Oh, man. Has ruined it for bullies. Now they just have to settle for sticking your face in the water out of a six-story building. And then blogging about it. Post-climate change bullying. Yeah. Bully blog. Oh, man.

This bully sure got up to some great bullying today. But bullying's no joke, guys. No, guys. Do you want to move on to overheard? Yeah. Mark your calendars for a brand new thing. But bullying is no joke. No, guys. Do you want to move on to overheard? Yeah. Mark your calendars for a brand new thing. The first ever Max Fun Week is coming up October 15th through 21st. Max Fun Week is all about celebrating the creativity and passion of our listeners.

We'll have podcast crossovers, Q&As, behind the scenes tours, giveaways, and more. No fundraising, just awesome stuff for you. So tune into your favorite MaxFun shows, tell a friend about MaxFun, and check out some new shows during MaxFun Week, October 15th through 21st. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Destination DIY. It's a show about people taking matters into their own hands,

and we're really excited to be bringing it to Maximum Fun. You know, having that experience of I can do that makes me feel like I can almost do anything. Here at Destination DIY, we like to push the do-it-yourself envelope beyond crafts and home improvement. So tune in to hear the stories of makers, builders, inventors, and all kinds of creative people. You can essentially build a do-it-yourself space program today,

and now, luckily, I'm a part of that. Check out Destination DIY at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which you, the listener, and us, the podcasters, go out in the world, listen to whatever people are saying, and then we rush back here to report it live to you. We only record these episodes as soon as we get a fresh one. And we always like to start with the guest. Yeah.

And Charlie, if you would. Sure. Well, you know, it's funny. You hear a lot of overheards in your life. Not all of them are good enough to be the main course. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Just last week, in fact, a couple of young women were walking by me,

and one of them was like, well, I just find that spice spoils the taste. That's not quite full. But that's great but that's pretty good that she thinks that you know i just want to taste the rawness of the meat yeah she wasn't like it wasn't like here's a weird thing about me is that i don't like spices it was like yeah gross right spice just ruins the taste yeah it ruins the monotony of life. Yeah. But I've been holding this one since last May when the baby was like, she would have been like four months, four and a half months old, four months old. And we were walking on the seawall with her. And now I want to say before, parenthetically, this tweet, this tweet,

parenthetically, this tweet, this tweet, this overheard either comes from a place of drugs or a place of mental illness. Okay. If it's mental illness, I don't want to, you know, laugh too much at the guy or whatever, but it was just so great. Yeah. And it was just delivered with such, like.

It's like Michael Richards said, there's still these words. Like, it's like Michael Richards said, there's still these words. That attempt to like, if you watch the video and he says all these horrible things and then he realizes he said it, he saves it. You know, there's still these words. He totally saved it. It's a transparent attempt to like. No, that's how he became America america's greatest comedian yeah it's like

he was on the edge but he saved it so um and then he went on letterman and everybody kept laughing during his apology seinfeld kept going it's not funny stop laughing i just remember him so like peevishly telling the audience like it's not their fault that they went to letterman and kramer was on it and they thought they could laugh yeah yeah kramer was on like closed circuit television kramer and seinfeld yeah on letterman together and he's like angry at them that the audience giggling. Oh, I want to laugh. Yeah. Hey, all my favorite guys to laugh with. So, but I just, I love this because it was, it was so genuinely delivered.

We were walking down the seawall and there was a guy sitting on the bench and he sees our daughter and he just goes, he goes, hey, star child, 12 point crystalline dna we all gotta catch up sometime wow and it was just so like he said it as though he'd been startled by the baby like well he's meeting star child yeah the way that you would like if you're like that's michael stipe like you know it's just like it was just like, hey, Starchild, 12-point crystalline DNA. And then the second part, the last part was almost to us as kind of a sop. Like, hey, we all got to catch up sometime. We don't all have 12-point crystalline DNA. Starchild.

Will you sign my Glorglax? But we'll get there. We all got to catch up sometime. So what, is there a possibility that he's referencing something from- Well, Surchild is Paul Stanley from Kiss. Oh, that's true. What was his crystalline DNA? Oh, no, it was only, it was 11.

11 point. I don't even think that's crystalline. It was just 11 point DNA. Yeah. We almost named our baby crystalline. I just think that's crystalline. It was just 11-point DNA. Yeah. We almost named our baby Crystalline. I just think it's a pretty name. Yeah, maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Crystalline.

Well. I mean, well, why not? Yeah. Dave, you got an overheard? My overheard is from when we did a live show the other night. Yeah. Thanks to everyone who came to see Graham, myself,

and John Doerr at the Biltmore. Fun show. How could it not be? That's like the Kramer, Seinfeld, and Letterman of Canada. Well, we told everyone

not to laugh. John Doerr kept saying, stop laughing. Graham is apologizing for his gross racism. Close circuit television. There's still these words. There's still these words.

But. And to be talking about the word that he was, like, it's like, you know, it's funny. Some people are still offended by this. There's still these bullets. There's still these hatchets that we have. They still, after all these years, can still lop off an arm. So before the show, I was at Soundcheck. I was the lone representative of the show at Soundcheck.

And I was just standing around while they were sort of setting up cables and stuff and then i could overhear the bar staff talking um about uh the show tonight and uh one of them said to the other one hey uh are you gonna stick around for the show and the other one just said no i'm just gonna go home and play video games. I'm standing right here. Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. A live podcast is maybe not for everyone. No, that's true. But maybe you want to pick up a salary.

Yeah. I hate bar staff. No, I feel like I did most of my bartending duties already. Yeah, I cut those limits. I do more, you know, in the Marines, they of my bartending duties already yeah i cut those lemons i do more you know the in the uh marines they do more bartending before 5 a.m than whatever oh yeah absolutely and then um now do you have an overheard i do mine is uh somebody uh obviously plans had gone awry somehow this was a gentleman explaining to his friend that

another friend was not gonna make it tonight oh and the other he was gonna survive yeah yeah and he was the other the person on the other end must have been like no no like he's he's coming and the guy was saying he's not coming why because i'm telling saying he's not coming. Why? Because I'm telling you he's not coming. Long pause. Because he has gout. Yeah. Right? Hilarious reason not to show up.

What is gout? I don't know. Something to do with a foot. It hurts the top of your toe. Okay. The tip of the teeth, the lips, the teeth, the gum. Tip of the tongue, the teeth, the gums. But I know somebody who like, and this guy was a professional football player.

I mean, CFL, but still. Yeah. Crappy football league. Not a not tough guy. He had gout and he said literally, so the top of his toe was so sensitive That he was lying in bed And having a sheet On his foot Was like more pain than he could bear Wow

What do you get though? Don't you get it from eating organ meats? I've been trying But so far nothing This morning I had a Two kidneys Liver and kidney sandwich. Don't they say that Kim Jong-un has gout?

Oh, is that right? That's why he hasn't been seen in a while. Last time he was seen walking with a limp. Oh, celebrities with gout. Yeah, because he's maybe... Is Kim Jong-un a celebrity? Yeah, sure. He's a celeb-utant.

He's always flashing his kitty. Whenever he's getting out of a military convoy Yeah Gout standing It's like It becomes kind of a celebrity Like cause celebrity But not really because it's a dictator

Yeah let's raise money for gout research To save Kim Jong-un Folks To save Kim Jong-un. Folks, I've been working in the celebrity business, in the charity business for a long time. And I can say without a doubt, this is the least number of phone calls we've ever received. Without a gout. Let's stamp out gout. Stamp out gout. Ow!

No, you shouldn't stamp. Yeah. Remember, even a sheet will hurt your foot. Your feet. Even a sheet will hurt your feet. You're terrible with these things. No, I wasn't trying to speak in a slogan. Well, but you should be.

I was addressing an actual gout victim. I know, but how are you going to get people to get the message across? Yeah. Come gout of the closet. That would be. Come gout of. I know, but how are you going to get people to get the message across? Come gout of the closet. That would be the... Come gout of the closet. And it's like celebrities acknowledging that they have gout. And that they're

gay. Yeah. Gay celebrities with gout. It gouts better. We got there. We're going toe to toe with gout oh man oh boy

we also have a word sent in from all over the planet if you want to send yours in you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org and this first one

comes to us from Claire in Dublin oh of Claire's accessories. Yes. Recently, I was in my local library when I saw a little girl running excitedly towards her mother carrying a large book. Kid, look what I found.

Look what I found. The Bible. A few moments later, I saw her walking back to the shelf muttering to herself, too big to read. Oh, man. And do you realize how much more adorable that story is when you realize

that little kid had an Irish accent? Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Mommy! The Bible! Like, it's the greatest.

Too long to read. Yeah, little kids with really strong accents. Oh, I hope mine has like a Jamaican accent. There's only one way to make that happen. Yeah, my parents spoke with a Jamaican accent at home. Well, I have friends who are like British parents, and I wondered why they didn't have British accents, the kids.

They probably did as really little babies, like little little kids but then they but then i mean you got tv and you got movies and yeah and yet when anyone visits england they come back with an accent yeah in it in it in it dave that's true um this next one comes from Emily S. of Parts Unknown. Parts Unknown! Stratfordshire. I was getting my hair cut last week. The salon was mostly quiet until three older ladies came in. They all seemed to know each other very well, and they also seemed to be good friends with one of the hairdressers.

to be good friends with one of the hairdressers. The ladies and the hairdressers chatted for a couple minutes before one of the ladies mentioned that she needs to get her hair cut quickly because she had somewhere she needed to be. Where are you headed to? The hairdresser asked. I'm off to a concert, the lady answered. The hairdresser asked, what kind of concert? Oh, it's a Nirvana concert, the lady replied.

Nirvana concert, the lady replied. If you're going to pick a lie, then, you know, some band, Nirvana, I guess. You're lying, Nirvana or Sibylla. It was a Nirvana-like band. Pretty great. Pretty great lie. How old would Kurt Cobain be if he were alive today? Oh, that's a good question. In his, well.

He was 27. He'd be 47. 47, wow. Yeah. You know what? He probably made the right choice. There was somebody who was telling me. We made light of bullying. We made light of suicide.

And we made light of gout. The triple crown of being assholes. Because it's like right now, Motley Crue, it's their last ever tour, supposedly. A friend of mine read a review that said, I guess Tommy Lee's on a drum kit that like goes around on like a roller coaster thing on the stage and it didn't work at the concert that this reviewer was at. So it kept trying to get up the thing and then falling back down and technicians had to push it.

Oh my God. That's arena rock. Doesn't age well. No. What's a Motley Crue song? Girls, Girls, Girls. Do they sing Girls, Girls, Girls? Yeah.

Kickstart My Heart. Dr. Feel Good. We're Motley Crue. Any of those other ones. We're Motley Crue. We're Motley Crue. The Motley Crue show theme. Yeah.

It would be great if every band had to record one track where they introduce themselves to the fans. Like rappers. Yeah. Like how many times did Biz Marquis spell his own name? I'm the B as it is. Like it's all. Does that count as spelling his name? No.

I had a bit of a stroke when I was trying to do it. But he was always like spelling parts of his name. Yeah. Here comes Z. The B, the I, is a, like, it was, like, he was, I just, the other thing is I'm really self-conscious of how that sounds like. I just sound like a white dad doing the, like, on a TV show. Like, well, my name is this and skibidy

bee. And like, I actually know hip hop fairly well. I'm just having a really difficult time doing a quick little Bismarck impression. But the point is, he was always spelling his name. It's true. Disproportionately, hip hop stars will mention their own names in their songs. And years. Yeah, that's true. They do names in their songs. And years. Yeah, that's true.

They do. Oh, yeah, and years. That's my favorite part of any time I'm listening to, yeah, Farside, Can't Keep Running Away. I always, like, as we get up to that, I turn to Kara and I go, what year is it? Like, if we're in the car, I go, hey, what year is it? And as she's about to answer, he goes, it's 1995.

20 years ago almost. Yeah. Oof, maroon. Yeah. Wow. I miss the far side, especially the ones with the cows. Well, my name's Gary Larson and I'm here to say I'm a rap, rap, rappy in a rappy way. Larson and I'm here to say I'm a rap, rap, rappy in a rappy way.

This last one comes from Sean C. in Richmond, California. This is at a veterinarian's office, waiting in line to pay for my dog getting a couple of shots. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.

It was my dog's birthday. Everybody. My party dog, Spuds McKenzie, is doing shots. Spuds McKenzie. Wait, he wouldn't do shots. He's more of a beer guy. Yeah. And the woman in front of me had a rabbit with her. I wasn't paying close attention, but the cashier said something to her about some medicine or something.

Next thing I know, the rabbit owner fully turned around with the biggest grin and exclaimed, Cherry flavor. Hear that, Pierre? Pretty magical. Oh man, that's good. Oh yeah.

Pierre the rabbit. Pierre the rabbit. Cute. You're going to get excited about this. You, you understand words, right? Yeah. You the rabbit. Cute. You're going to get excited about this. You understand words, right? Yeah. You got those big ears.

Oh, wow. Well, that's it for the show. No, Dave, it's not. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also give you phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Julie from Calgary.

I'm just driving and stuck in the most horrible traffic and then I saw something that was amazing and it's a lovely overseen. There was a car coming in the opposite direction. I think it was like a SUV and it had strapped to its roof, a race car bed on top of a car, like for a three-year-old.

Oh, awesome. Yeah. Pretty cute. Um, what kind of vehicle is your, do you have your kid in? Uh,

what kind of bed? To sleep. No, like what sort of vehicle shape? I mean, I assume it's a vehicle shape. The way she sleeps? Yeah.

Yeah, she sleeps in like a dirigible, like a plastic dirigible bed. Nice. Yeah. Yours? Big gravedigger monster truck. Oh, cool. Very cool. Yeah.

How come adult? It's bedtime. Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime. I'll love you forever and always. Forever and always. My baby, you'll be. Good night, Tacoma Doe. Oh, man.

That is the creepiest book. If you read that book. Now? Robert Munch's I'll Love You Forever. That is the creepiest book. If you read that book. Now. Robert Munch's I'll Love You Forever. The first half, you're just like, this is the sweetest thing. And hey, she's climbing into her son, her adult son's house. Oh, yeah. Crawling across the floor.

She still does it when he's like, he's an adult. Also, how heavy does this guy sleep? Oh, she's very strong. Yeah, that's true. To be able to lift him up. It's an adorable story. It is sweet. Here's your next phone call.

Hey, Dave, Graham, and contributing guests. This is Brian in South Florida with an overheard or overseen. I work for a local school district, and I support middle school. So I was on the campus of a middle school recently, and during class change I was waiting in the hallway, and I saw a little slip of those insertable tab dividers for a binder, the little slips of white paper you write on, and then you slip it in the colored plastic for your tabs.

And I picked it up because I saw some words on it, and I was just curious, and it was six tabs, and this was the sequence of words from top to bottom. Penis, vagina, pussy, dick, sex, cum. Thanks. If everybody will flip to the last tab. Oh man, I got a big cum final that I got to study for. Oh wow. Cumistry.

Cumistry. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get Gout of here. My latest boat with goats. The joy that must have been like, hey, watch this. Yeah. You know dividers, right, in our binders?

Okay. Do you like them? Okay. I got something for you. What would you normally see on them? Yeah I don't know Math Science

Yeah yeah Yeah yeah So you never see You never see this one? I'll love you forever Alright Final phone call Hey Dave Graham And Schrodinger's guest.

This is Mark P. from Chicagoland calling with an overheard. I was just in the hardware store passing a couple of, you know, construction-y guys, and I overheard one say to the other, yeah, first I thought he was a midget, and then I realized he was just walking in a ditch. Common mistake. Yeah, horse perspective. That's right. He's just walking

in the distance. I thought it was an ant, but it was a car from a plane. Why was he walking in a ditch? Yeah, that's true. He doesn't think he's good enough for the road. I thought he was in a ditch? Yeah, that's true. I don't know. He doesn't think he's good enough for the road. I thought he was just a moving hat.

But then, no, it was a guy walking in a ditch. No, I realized it was quicksand and he's dead. Yeah, it's a common mistake. Well, I mean, little people still have bottom halves of their body sure yeah that's true now nowadays thanks to science but be careful as you go cause little people grow and little people know

when little people fight they might look easy pickers but they got some fight so never kick a dog because he's just a pup. You're better off for cover when the pup grows up. Phantom of the opera. We'll fight between the armies and we won't give up.

What is that from? A worm can roll a stone. A bee could stick a bear. A fly could fly around the cycle. In the yellow submarine. What was that? It was Gavroche. You know, the cockney child from Les Miserables.

Is one of the candies at Christmas that sound like Gavroche? Oh, ganache. No. Chocolate ganache? Yeah, chocolate ganache. Chocolate ganache. Yeah. No, ganache. No. No, ganache.

No, gavroche. I don't know what. Ferrero Rocher. That's what I'm thinking of. They have them year round. Yeah. Ferrero gavroche. Really?

You can get Ferrero Rocher's year round? Of course you can. Wow. You can get mini eggs year round. They're hazelnutty. Yeah, that's true. Here's what I do now. 12 months a year. It's what I do now. 12 months a year.

It's 31 days a month. Sit down. I got a pile of Toblerones. Big bowl of mini eggs. Some Ferrero Rocher. Some after eight. And some mandarin oranges. I just go to town.

Multi-holiday. After eights. Do people still eat after eights do people still eat after eights I had one like not before eight thanks for retroactively making my dad

rapping look cool it was after eight in the morning right yeah well you're not supposed to give them to your Gremlin

Before eight If your gremlin's got like Bad breath Wants to kind of Clean his mouth out But Charlie that brings us To the end of this here episode

Is there anything That you would like to To plug Oh yeah Well we did a Web series Called Willpower. Oh, yeah. Very fun.

Oh, thank you very much. So, yeah, if people go on YouTube and they put in, you know, Willpower. And it's you, Sean Cullen, and Ryan Beal. Yeah. And it's five episodes? It's five episodes. And Don Ferguson.

Bob Robertson. Bob Robertson. Don Ferguson's from Air Force? Air Force, yeah. Bob Robertson from Robertson Bob Robertson's from Air Force Air Force yeah Bob Robertson from Double Exposure Oh You got my Saturday afternoon

CBC comedies Well I mean Your American listeners Are just Loving The last 30 seconds

But Yeah It was We were really happy With how it turned out Yeah It was really funny Sean Cullen and I play

Brothers And we're going through our dead father's will and uh ryan is his uh our dead father's lawyer will no there's no one there's no one named will on the show all ties into each other yeah um uh and there'll be another panto this christmas oh nice yeah we're doing cind Cinderella this year. And what's the twist on it? What's the East Van? Is it an East Van? Cinderella, she's, yeah, she lives on Fraser Street. Okay.

Toyed with calling it Mohinderella. To make it more Vancouver. He's a great graffiti artist. Mohinder. Yeah. He's sort of our Jean-Michel Basquiat same-o. Mohinder. Yeah. He's sort of our Jean-Michel Basquiat same-o

Mohinder. Same-o hung. So yeah, there'll be another one of those. Another panto at Christmas. So keep your ears on the steers. Find some horses

out there in cattle country. Dave, anything to plug? Oh, boy. Yeah, no. Just support gout and stamp out gout. Gout out there

and support some gout. Keep a sheet off your feet. Get gout out of the closet. Yeah. We're going to do the gout crawl, not a walk. It hurts me so much.

Goat crawl. That is a joke that's worthy of, and this is like a great compliment coming from me, the critic. You remember the critic animated show with John Lovitz? They would have had a run for gout type of joke where it's like the run for gout, and it's a whole bunch of people running through the streets of New York.

Just going like. The critic never really got it to do. It didn't. Yeah. One season maybe. A couple. One season on ABC, one on Fox. Oh yeah.

It moved from network to network. They had the classic Earthquake in Hollywood And the guy runs out of his house And he looks up And he goes What the H? And then the H from Hollywood Falls on his house

You had some fond memories Of that show Oh man Sweet times I remember him being On The Simpsons And now he's a right wing lunatic Oh nuts

The character? Jay Sherman? Yeah the, Jay Sherman? Yeah, the character, Jay Sherman. Yeah, if you like the podcast, please tell your friends. Do you want to mention a little something called Wilderness Man? Oh, yeah. If you want to go to, I think it's comedycoop.ca. Comedy Coop?

C-O-U-P? Yes. Yeah, that's true. Everybody's been saying Coop, but it is Coop.ca. Comedycoop? C-O-U-P? Yes. Yeah, that's true. Everybody's been saying coop, but it is coo. Yeah. And yeah, it's... Or if you go just follow the Twitter feed, Wilderness Man. Every week we have to do a different...

How do you spell Wilderness Man? With three A's. Because Wilderness Man just regular was taken. And Wilderness Man with two A's was taken. Yep. No, that was Wilderness Man just regular was taken. And Wilderness Man with two A's was taken. Yep. No, that was Wilderness Non. It's delicious. Just a bunch of squirrels around a tandoori oven.

Yum. Wilderness Non. And if you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.