Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 344 - DeAnne Smith

Episode Date: October 20, 2014

Comedian DeAnne Smith joins us to talk lap dances, baseball, and boats.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 344 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who feels it's not quite cold enough for fall yet, Mr. Dave Shumpert. I just, I sweat. I'm wearing jeans today and even that's risky. It's like, were you thinking maybe of wearing shorts?

Yeah, probably. I was probably thinking that. No, like, I feel like we're of wearing shorts yeah probably making i was probably thinking that um no like a like a i feel like we're still in khaki weather yeah yeah that's true it just does still feel like a balmy mid mid-summer time did you just touch it no i just was checking what our guest was wearing oh okay yeah yeah but it's like i want i want it to be corduroy. Oh, yeah. No, it's definitely not corduroy season. Although this is like a kind of a corduroy shirt I'm wearing and I'm warm. Our guest today, a very funny comedian. In fact, the winner of the Canadian Comedy Awards.

Best. Is it best female stand up? You know. Yeah. Whatever. Do we need these categories? Yes. Comedy Awards. Best, is it best female stand-up? Yeah, you know, yes. Right? Whatever. Do we need these categories? Yes, because I wouldn't have won otherwise.

But do we? Come on now. How do we know? We don't know. Who won male? Somebody won. Chris Locke? Chris Locke.

Yeah, somebody fantastic. Somebody won. Somebody had to have won. Not like you. Our guest is Deanne Smith. Hi, everybody. Hey. Welcome.

Thanks. Thanks for being our guest. It's my pleasure. Hi, everybody. Hey. Welcome. Thanks. Thanks for being our guest. It's my pleasure. Is it? Yeah. All right. Why am I being so... Yeah.

I'm not the one on trial. Do we want to get to know us? Oh, yes. Get to know us. Now, you've been touring around, or did you just come straight here? What's going on with you? I never know what's going on. Because you do.

You travel all over the world. I travel. I'm a traveler. Yeah. Like a gypsy? Yeah. A bit of a nomad. I'm out west because I was just doing the Calgary Comedy Festival.

Harry Dupe and Corey Mack invited me to come do that. How was it? It was great. I was there for one night. I was in and out. This year? Yeah, on the Friday. I was just there for the one night.

What did you do? Graham had four shows and four nights in four cities? Four cities, yeah. I didn't know that. Where did you go? What happened? Where did I go? I went to Nanaimo, Victoria, Calgary.

Vancouver. Vancouver. The live podcast. Oh, yeah. And then did you have somewhere else the next day? The live podcast, and then I went to Calgary the next day and did that. And there was, I feel, oh, I was in Prince George, the previous end of that trip. I see how this podcast works.

You're like, you've been doing a lot of traveling, huh? And I'm like, I don't know. You're like, anyway, I did four cities in four days. So you think you're pretty hot because we said you're a traveler. Yeah. So how's your beard growth going? I have one chin hair that grows down here that I pluck. Oh, really?

Well, Graham has a beard that goes below his nipple. Below his nipples? Well, yeah, check it out. Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, you can imagine. Oh, for the listeners, I took off my corduroy shirt because it was too hot. Yeah, it's making chest lines. Let's be honest.

You're just cutting nipple holes in it corduroy and nip nips um so uh you what shows did you do were you doing because i was like on the calgary like the people from the nasty boys of calgary oh yeah oh that's fun i didn't even know that was a show i did um I did my own show on Thursday. Oh, the DM Smith show. Like an intimate evening with... Yeah. Oh, that was a lot of fun.

And then... Stool. Spotlight. Microphone. Vagina jokes. Yeah. Yeah, we did the yacht. And then Friday I did a benefit for High River, which was like hugely affected by the flood.

Yeah. And which was great. The High River was affected by the flood. I know, right? These guys. The jokes write themselves. No wonder it was a comedy show. The warning was in the name of your town, you jackasses.

No, they were pretty devastated by the flood. No, but seriously. No, but their town looks like shit right now. It really does. And that was in a movie theater, so I was expecting it to not go well because it was like literally. Because they were playing Gone Girl at the time. It was a movie theater, so everyone's like very relaxed and like cushy chairs. Oh, yeah.

Literally, I just look out at the audience and they're like, what's the popcorn? I'm like, I don't think this is going to go well. But it was really fun. It was fun. The show I did also had popcorn at it. Really? Yeah.

It was at the university theater and somehow there was popcorn. There's popcorn at the club here. I know. It's the loudest, well,

next to like, I guess, And they give it away for free, I think. I like snacks, but I just don't feel like popcorn is good

for a comedy-watching audience. What do you think would be perfect? Like a glossette? I don't know. What is that? Are comedy watching audience. What do you think would be perfect? Like a glossette? I don't know. What is that? Are those just raisin things? Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe because they're quiet. I feel like cucumber slices because it's healthy. It's refreshing. It's hopefully not too loud. I don't know. I hope it could help you pay attention and get into stuff. Yeah. But you know people would do that silly thing where they put cucumbers on their eyes. I'm in a spa. I don't know I hope it could help you pay attention and get into stuff yeah

but you know people would do that silly thing where they put cucumbers on their eyes I'm in a spa yeah maybe that's just

the audience I want the audience that's like mmm refreshing enjoying the cucumbers a refreshing night brought to you by cucumbers a spotlight

a microphone cucumbers cucumbers tahini do you would you want like just loose cucumbers A spotlight. A microphone. Cucumbers. Tahini. Do you, would you want like just loose cucumbers in like a bowl on a table? Or like, I'm assuming chopped up. Well, my secret stage name is loose cucumbers.

Sure, yeah. Loose cucumbers. No, like spears, I guess I should say. Like pickles before they're pickles. Oh, pickles before pickles. Hipster pickles. Would you want them? Cucumbers. Yeah.

I was into these before they were pickles. But would you want them dipped? Or just like... I guess there should be dips provided. And I think you're on track with the hummus and the whatnot. You've got to think this through. Yeah. Your comedy club opens in three weeks.

What kind of cucumbers are we serving? But not too crunchy because you don't want them being loud. Your comedy club, Cukes. Yeah. It's just called Cukes. It's just like a weird healthy vegan comedy club. Yeah. I don't know.

It's weird. It is weird because popcorn is very, like, you can't eat it quietly. But I can't. Well, I go to movies and I never, you know, I'm not overwhelmed by the popcorn noises around me. I know, but you're getting the THX sound experience. Well, they should have that in more comedy club. Well, it's so, popcorn is so associated with the movies. And I just feel like that's a totally different mind frame than watching comedy.

Yeah. Right? It's just so much more like, ugh, just like relaxed and shoveling shit into your face. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I don't, I've never understood the show and then also food. Because I assume that if you're a bar, you have to serve some food in order to keep your

license. Some bars are probably licensed like that. Yeah. You probably just want to make more money too, right? Yeah. I don't know. But like, if you're. Yeah.

If you're cooking chicken fingers that cost, you know, 50 cents to make and you're charging 14 for them well that's true wait why are we acting like we're not humans plus you're drinking and you want to have some salty snacks yeah it's like why do people eat food ever that seems weird but i can't pay attention to anything if there's food like i but like i don't want anything to eat at 10 o'clock at night. Oh, well, that's where you and I part ways. I mean, I do, but I want like a bowl of ice cream by myself in silence. Oh, yeah. If comedy clubs served ice cream, I'd be down with that.

Just in a dish? Yeah. Or like you get a little Ben and Jerry's thing? Yeah, you get a sundae. And you just get your own pie to yourself? That is how to prime an audience. They're going to be happy. They're going to be just ready to have a great time.

And then they're going to crash right over half an hour into the show. And need a little nap time. So Calgary was fun. And then you're here in Vancouver doing shows. Yep. And then do you go straight back home to montreal i'm gonna sneak in a few more cities i've never been to so i had to seattle never been there all right head to portland what what is there to do in seattle what's the thing i mean if you're

an out-of-towner uh heroin oh yeah heroin yeah you gotta go to the the frazier museum oh i'm sorry i stepped on that you said tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Yeah, that's right. It's fine. I say it every episode. Okay. Yeah, Seattle's got things to do. There's that wall full of gum.

Oh, yeah. Wait, what is that? I have to go there. What is that? It's like a back alley kind of thing. Yeah, and there's just one wall where everyone stuck their gum. Oh, it sounds gross, but fascinating. Yeah, it's going to smell good.

It's going to smell like- Yeah, you know, fruity bubble gum and minty gum. Oh sounds gross, but fascinating. Yeah, it's going to smell good. It's going to smell like- Yeah, you know, fruity bubble gum and minty gum. Oh, how weird. Yeah. And also, it's gross. Disgusting. Yeah, yeah. It's everyone's spit.

You can have a fish thrown at you. Oh, yeah. You can- Oh, should I do that? I guess so. Yeah, why not? Go to the, what is the market called? Pike Place Market.

There's dudes that throw fish fish across, like at each other. Yeah. And what, you're supposed to stand underneath? Yeah, and make a wish. Throw your gum at the fish. They'll pick a volunteer and then they'll put, they'll do stuff around, like, you know, slap fish around you. You won't get wet. It's like a magic show.

They put the fish into this box and they chop it up and then it comes out. And it's actually chopped up because they're serving it. But, yeah. What else is there in Seattle? I don't know. That's what I was. There's a rock and roll museum. Wow, that's a lot of stuff.

I'm only there for like four nights, so. Well, that's three of your nights right there. Yeah, that's. Gumwall, fish thing. Gumwall. All night. all night. All night. Just chewing and sticking, chewing and sticking.

And then Portland is like, you know, it's got all these like really cool bars. There's an arcade bar, which is really cool. Yeah. Just ask around. People will tell you where it is. Yeah. And then it's known, I guess, in the States as having the most strip clubs per capita. Really?

I had no idea. Yeah, any city in the States. Really? Yeah. Do you guys want an anecdote? Yes, please. I had my first ever lap dance recently. Really?

It was kind of awesome. Yeah. It was my friend's bachelorette party. Why did I think you were going to say bar mitzvah? That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it would be a bar mitzvah. A bar mitzvah, yeah. She was 13, and she was giving lap dances.

Daddy, I want to give lap dances. In the Jewish tradition, she became a woman. Well, fair enough. That's great. That was my friend's bachelorette party, and some other friends bought me a lap dance as a joke, I think. Right. Because it always is kind of a joke. I was genuinely into it, but in a way, I smiled the whole time, which I don't think you're supposed to do.

Better than frowning the whole time. I think guys would pretend to be cool the whole time. No, I think everyone's supposed to pretend to be cool, but I was like smiling, but like with teeth. Like I was like this for four minutes. And really at the end of it, Like you were getting your picture taken.

At the end of it, she was like, you really did smile the whole time. And I was like, I was just so happy. And I'm such a sucker for a pretty girl.

No. Oh, so it was forbidden fruit. No, it was fine. It was fine. Forbidden fruit. Yeah. I feel like every time that somebody buys a lap dance for somebody, they're buying it for the person that they think will be the most uncomfortable with it. Yeah.

I mean, I secretly really, not even secretly, I really liked it, but I still didn't, I couldn't compose like cool face. You know what I mean? I was like, I don't know how to like just pretend I don't like it. You gotta wear sunglasses and a hoodie. Yeah. Like the poker players. Yeah. I'm such a sucker.

The lap dance was 10 bucks. Right. And then I was like afterwards. Really? That seems cheap. Right. It seems so cheap that afterwards I was like, well, can I tip you? Is that normal?

And she's like, sure, whatever. And I gave her 40 bucks. Did you see her walking out of the place? Well, I'm done for the night. It just seems so. What's the usual tip? About 300% here. No, she was cute about it, though, because I think I gave her way too much.

And then she was like, I'll go do a lap dance for your other friends that bought it for you. And I was like, okay, sure. Yeah. I want you to feel like you got the best value. Yeah. I wouldn't want you to feel exploited here in this strip club. She was lovely and but i felt bad because we were this bachelorette party of we brought such weird energy in there

because it was like half lesbians and half straight women okay and i felt like the lesbians were watching the strippers like like oh like i like this but i don't want to like this but i'm a feminist but i feel weird and like i'm not used to like i don't know being a lot of conflict yeah but then I feel like all the straight women were watching like, I should do Pilates more, probably.

Like we just have brought the fucking weirdest energy into that place. I wish I'd brought cucumbers. Was the bachelorette, is she a lesbian or a straight? She's a lesbian.

Okay. Yeah. And was this her idea or was this was an idea that was kind of thrust upon her? Well, I think it was my idea now that I'm thinking about it. Because she's like, we're having a bachelorette party. I'm like, we're going to Wanda's, right? We're going to the strip club?

The strip club is called Wanda's? Oh, it's in Montreal. It's great. You guys should go actually. That sounds like a diner. Like Wanda's. Yeah, it does. It doesn't sound like a strip club.

Do you want a lap dance, hon? And some tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Yeah, it does. It doesn't sound like a strip club. You want a lap dance, hun? And some tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Yeah, exactly. Wanda's, yeah, it sounds very quaint. I guess it does. I'm so used to the name that it just sounds to me like the classiest strip joint ever. Yeah, does she own it?

Is somebody named Wanda own the club? I don't even know. I don't know. What's the classy strip club here? I don't know. Horse butt or something? Horse butt't know. What's the classy strip club here? I don't know. Horse butt or something. Horse butt? Yeah, it's nothing classy.

Oh, it's the thickest leather you can get for your shoes. Brandy's? Brandy's. That's the one where- With two E's or an I-E or a Y. An I. I. Ooh, I had it all wrong.

Yeah, yeah. Three options. That's the one where Ben Affleck- Yeah, cheated on J-Lo? Yeah, it was J-Lo at the time. All three options. That's the one where Ben Affleck. Yeah, he cheated on J-Lo? Yeah, it was J-Lo at the time. You weirdos. I was listening to your podcast with. Why are we weirdos?

Caitlin Howden. Why did we talk about that in that episode? Oh, we are weirdos. Mid-July. There was maybe. And that's what I was listening to when I came in here. Oh, no. It was during Celebrity Beef Days, and you couldn't get enough.

You couldn't get enough of Ben Affleck. There are six topics on the podcast, and that's one of them. Frazier. The theme from Frazier comes up fairly often. Wow. I'm sorry I uncovered your secret obsession. It's about time somebody did. But the thing is, people all sometimes post a quote from this week's episode that came out two days ago. And we'll see them on Twitter and be like, which one of us said that?

I don't remember any of this. That's really funny. So, yeah, I don't know why, yeah, Portland anyways, they've got strip clubs all. Oh, you know, strip clubs. Uh, do you know that Ben F? Well,

I have a lot of lesbian friends in Portland. I think as, as anybody who knows anybody in Portland, probably don't. Sure. And they've been holding out to me. I had no idea about this trip. Like they never talk about it.

No, I didn't know about it until I went down there. And then like, it's weird because people are very proud of Portland. Yeah. The people who live in Portland. And you talk to them and they're like, oh, you got to see this and that. You got to keep it weird.

Yeah. You got to keep it weird. And then, but like inevitably in the course of them listing like, what's amazing about Portland? That was always one of the factors was we got more strip clubs here than any other city. Maybe it's meant to be a shortcut for like we're open minded. Yeah.

Or we've got some weird laws on the books that it's like anybody can own a strip club in Portland. This is a law that dates back to the gold rush.

Were they a gold rush town? I guess not. Portland? No. No. They would have been timber. Yeah.

You know. They're based on the. Just north of that. Yeah. You know, they're a nice- They're based on the Kesha Pitbull song, Timber. That was their major industry. How would that work? How would that work? The whole city supported by timber. What if Kesha and Pitbull bought a town? That's something they could do

yeah but they're an unlikely pair yeah but you know that's what makes it probably the best sitcom guys I'm so out of touch with pop culture

I recognize both of those names I can picture Kesha have they just collaborated on songs or are they an item no just the one song it's going down

I'm yelling timber you better move you better dance let's make a night you won't remember you'll be the one you won't forget timber the bigger the ah the part of the fall timber. Nice. Anyway. Yeah, anyways. We have a lot of fun here. Suddenly, I'm like, covered in sweat now. Oh, you did a big solo there. Oh.

Whoa. That felt like a classic dad sentence that I really liked too, like just to do something crazy and then be like, we have a lot of fun around here. We're having a lot of fun. Well, I'm a classic dad now. Yeah, you're a around here. We're having a lot of fun. Well, I'm a classic dad now. Yeah, you're a new dad. Classic. Having a lot of fun. I sure am. Yeah. You're gonna,

I can't wait until it like, your baby's old enough to have sleepovers and then you get to embarrass them in front of all their friends. Yeah. That's a classic dad move, right? I guess it is. Oh, yeah. Was your dad, was he a classic dad well no now that i think about it this is gonna sound really creepy and i haven't thought about this

but like when i was like eight the fun thing that he would do is like chase us around and like scare the shit out of us like in his white t-shirt just like like, and we'd be like, when I had girlfriends over. That seems like a pretty classic dad thing. Is it? Yeah. It always ended fine. It just seemed like the beginning of something creepy. I want to find out,

right now, I'm interrupting everything, to find out what the number one song was on the day my daughter was born. And then that will be the song I will choose to embarrass her with. Yeah, that's a good call. What was it?

You might not even know the song. You might have to learn it, but you'll have time. Meaning what? You're going to like sing it at the sleepovers? Every sleepover. And then I'll ask all her friends what their birthdays were. And then you'll research that and then you'll come back and sing the song from their birthday? Yeah, sure.

I mean, it'll probably be, there are only like six songs that came out this year. Sure. Do you play guitar? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see that there. Yeah. That's how to do it.

Definitely. Oh, yeah. Make a deal out of it. Hey, girls. Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know it's ice cream Sunday time? We have a lot of fun around here. A lot of fun.

So then after, do you have anything in Portland that you've got set up to do? Or is it? I almost don't want to talk about it. Really? Here's the thing. Well, I do. I was going to Portland anyway. Yeah.

And it turned out that while I was there, the exact same time I was there, there's this comedy festival happening. Right. And it's like all ladies. So anyway, I submitted and they're like, sure, be a part of things. But the title of the festival is so bad that I just don't want to be associated. Is it All Jane, No Dick? Yeah.

Yeah. The All Jane, No Dick Comedy Festival. They're like, please promote it on your things. I'm like, no. No. Because I don't want to be so sick of it. I'll be in Portland for these shows for this festival. I don't remember the name of it.

Yeah. I'll happily take the stage time. But, yeah. It's a weird thing because I don't know that people in general are familiar with that thing. Dick and Jane. Isn't that like something from the yeah it's like yeah like the 50s kind of elementary reader yeah see jane see oh yeah jane this was before dick but probably more grammatically correct jane run how does this comedy festival feel about spot

are there any spots all jane no. Some spots for female comedians. Pretty good. I'm actually kind of freaked out about it because I have developed doing comedy in places that are neutral to hostile towards women. Oh, yeah. And so that's what I know how to do. So I'm like a little bit like, okay, I've never been to Portland. what's the audience going to be like first of all and then they're going to be really really good yeah and then the audience of this particular thing i don't know i like it's like i don't it's like i almost don't even know how to do it if i don't have to fight for it do you

know what i mean if i don't have to come out like listen to me if i'm just like fuck you fuck you we love you if i were just, we're here to listen. I'll be like, I don't know you guys. Just go out there and make sure that there's some feedback in the microphone. That always gets the audience a little off your side. You come out. Boo. Boo.

No, you'll have a blast. I'm sure people that would be going to that festival would want. My opener is, so dicks are gross, right think i think that's perfect for the no dick festival they'll be like you're right it is gross yeah no dicks one guy in the front row i just saw Comedy Festival. I didn't know. I didn't know there were no dicks in the out. Al Kesha,

no pitbull comedy festival. in his 50s suit with a little name tag. I'll see myself out. I'm the last guy named this. My full name's Richard, but I insist that people shorten it to Dick.

Do you know anyone who goes by Dick? Like from our generation no no it's like it's done it's done yeah it's not it's not and it's not coming back you're like the last thing i can think of is there's a place in seattle called dicks yeah dicks driving and that's it like that's oh in my hometown we have Dick's Clothing and Sporting Goods. Oh, yeah. There's Dick's.

Dick's Sporting Goods. Yeah. I guess if you're an old guy, like you could make the switch. But you're not going to make it as a kid. And you're not going to make it now. Unless you're going to be a little Dickie. I'm coming back around. Little Dickie.

Now that I realize. You do have a little smile on your face. Little Dickie's pretty cute. Well, like, yeah. I wonder who the youngest guy who goes by Dick is. Probably some punk rocker. Oh, yeah, that's true. And then my doctor is in his 60s, and I'm pretty sure he's, like, the world's oldest

Brad. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Brad doesn't, as a name, because, like, what would you change to? Bradley, I guess. But, yeah, that's not even, it doesn't seem right for a guy in his 60s yeah brad i am brad what it actually doesn't seem right for anyone that's not like between 18 and 22 and plays football right yeah yeah they mostly die at 22 in car accidents just a bloody letterman jacket on the side of the road. Brad, we miss you.

Yeah, that's true. Brad's like one of those names. And it kind of came out of nowhere. There weren't a lot of Brads. And then there were a ton of Brads. Oh, boy. In 25 years, it's going to be all of our bosses will be named Caden. Men or women.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That's what's so great about that name. Anybody can use it it And it sounds great Yep Just like Jor-El Is that a Star Wars Or no

Superman Is that Superman's dad Superman's dad Was Cal It's Superman's toothpaste Jor-El Oh right Sure

For a super bright smile Yeah Did he have to brush his teeth No they were just whitened By the yellow For a super bright smile. Did he have to brush his teeth? No, they were just whitened by the yellow Earth sun. Yeah, or did he just do that thing where he like bounced his laser vision off of a reflective surface of brush teeth? Would Earth toothpaste even work on him? Yeah, probably not. Yeah. Yeah, I guess he never would have to do that.

He didn't have to take care of any of that. I wonder if he smelled. You don't think about the hygiene regime of Superman. I always thought about how he shaved. Because he was somebody who could grow a beard. You'd hope. And the way they explained it was that he would bounce his heat vision off of a piece of metal. Really?

Yeah, which... Seems like overdoing it, Superman. It's, like, dangerous. Like, you gotta be, you gotta go hair by hair, don't you? Yeah, he, uh, but, you know, he's Superman. That's true.

Yeah. He can do it really quick. But in the latest movie, didn't they do, like, a Gillette product shot? Well, he definitely had a beard in that movie. What?

And not the whole movie. I missed this. The latest Superman. Who's Superman these days? What's his name? He just can't believe I missed it.

Henry Cavill. Henry Cavill. Gosh, I know nothing about this. Yeah, so he's going to star in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman

starring Ben Affleck who, I don't know if you heard about this. Loves himself a strip club. What was it? That he had an affair with the lady at the strip club? Or was it just that he went to the strip club? No, I think he got to third base with her or whatever.

But it was only because his friend paid her and said, hey, have an affair with me. Yeah. I bought you an affair with one of the strippers. Why are Batman and Superman going to, have an affair with me. I bought you an affair with one of the strippers. Why are Batman and Superman going to fight?

I don't know. They've always sort of been friends. Yeah. I guess they never really. They're falling out.

Yeah. I think, you know, it's Batman used to be his top dog until this Superman showed up

or vice versa. They don't really fight. It's passive aggressive texts. Really? Yeah, it's just the whole movie is them not returning each other's phone calls. What's that supposed to mean? Hey, I just read your tweet.

But they don't even live in the same city. No, that's true. They both live in fake New York. Yeah, I didn't know they were even in the same city. No, that's true. They both live in fake New York. Yeah, I didn't know they were even in the same kind of universe. Well, they're part of the Justice League, which is kind of like, I don't know what it is, I guess. It's like the United Nations of spandex. Of superheroes. But Superman and Batman have always had like, because Superman, I don't think he's super smart.

He's not like super intelligent because he's strong and stuff. I feel like we talked about this one week ago. We did. Did you really? Because we were trying to figure out how would Batman win. How would Batman stand a chance in this battle? He's just got to spend more and more money. That's his whole deal, right?

He just like gets fancy things. Just throw money at the problem. Yeah. He just buys the newspaper that Superman works at and then fires it. Yeah. He's going to defeat him, you know. Starts wooing Lois. Yeah.

Defeats him emotionally. Yeah, exactly. That's right. See, he's more tactile. Yeah. Tactile? He has tactics. He feels Lois' boobs. Which are he's more tactile. Yeah. Tactile? He has tactics. He feels Lois' boobs.

Which are encased in corduroy. I don't remember what Lois Lane looks like. I'm just picturing Veronica from Archie. That's basically right. Okay. Yeah. Hubba hubba. She changed with the eras, you know?

She would have a feathered, uh, seventies hairdo in the seventies version. She had a mullet in the eighties version. She shaved her head in the nineties version. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's when she worked for a zine. Clark worked on the same. Sure. Doc Martin. Yeah. It was a different time yeah so anyways this well I don't know how this got started

I don't know where we I just started asking questions and I think we answered them in full mostly about shaving so Portland and then home? yeah that's a nice little voyage yeah it'll be really fun and i'm home just

in time to see my girlfriend do a show in a dance festival and it's gonna be crazy a dance show like yeah like a i don't know it's a collaboration with some people but it's not stand-up no it's not stand-up it's like we think our world is kind of weird or populated with wacky people and it's like that is even so she's a dancer yeah okay and what's the dancer world like i don't know contemporary dance it's like half dance half kind of performance art right who even knows what you know yeah i was at a party with her like a party in a warehouse you know like very cool lots of chains everywhere people like walking around that like,

they didn't look like people at first. They just had like a lot of plastic bags like all around them. Oh, they looked like blobs. They looked like weird. They were like swamp monsters. And they're just like walking around the party. You're like, oh, I guess this is cool.

And there's like someone like making pasta, but it was like a performance piece. Someone making pasta. just walking around yeah making mini raviolis yeah well yeah you know that is weirder than any comedy party well there aren't comedy parties really no and you can always tell where comedians are in a party it's like whatever's the darkest corner or like stairs somewhere near an exit. Yeah. Did you figure out what the bag people were

or were they just there? Installation. I mean, I reflected upon how many plastic bags they had, so it made me think about Oh yeah, the environment. Yeah, the next generation. Consumerist culture. I don't know.

And then somebody comes running in. Somebody stole all our bags. These things aren't free. We like to reuse them. But I felt like a weird kinship. I recognize the bags from a grocery store that I like called PA in Montreal. And I was like, that's the green bag from PA. And I just felt good about it.

I don't know what they were trying to prove. It's like when you see your hometown in a movie. Yeah. Oh, that's my bag. Yeah. I love PA. That could have been your in with the bag people. So, yeah, good cucumber prices.

Pretty decent weekly special. Yeah, I've never been to any kind, any kind of dance, uh, modern art, uh, contemporary dance party. Yeah. The thing is not a lot of people go. Oh, okay. Yeah. People don't love going to dance shows. This is what I've discovered.

Yeah. That's probably true. Mostly other dancers. Oh, sure. Yeah. Like, wow, this crowd's really fit. Yeah. Ugh. other dancers oh sure yeah like wow this crowd's really fit yeah but one of my favorite things that ever happened at a party with her we were in iceland and uh there was this girl

why i don't know because we were just there i was doing comedy she was dancing and there was um this girl jean vieve we were chatting to at the party like a party populated with dancers whatever and then somebody bumped into her and she looked over her shoulder like witheringly. And she just was like, spatial awareness. And I was like, this is the greatest. These people are crazy. That's all you need is a dancer. Spatial awareness.

But it was like, you couldn't have a worse insult to somebody. Like, you don't bump into people at a dancer party. We're great. We are swans. I'm making it sound horrible. But I enjoy it. It's fun. Well, that's

good luck to your girlfriend. Is that what you say to a dancer? You don't say break a leg. I don't think so. Merred. Yeah.

That's the one. Dave, what's going on with you? I've been keeping up with Ben Affleck's career and personal life lately. Turns out he once went to the strip club. Go on. Here's what's up with me.

We're in week three of a baby having. I mean, the baby's been had. Yeah. We've been had. But discovering new things new highlight is like just watching TV with a baby on top of me and the baby falls asleep

and then I'm stuck there and it's the greatest and I've been watching a lot of baseball and I don't usually watch baseball because I'm under the impression that it's boring. Your impression, I think, is correct. Yeah.

But it's like the perfect, because I, in the summer, whenever there's like a soccer tournament, like a World Cup or a Euro Cup, I'll get all excited about that and I'll be disappointed every time. Sure. But. Because the team that you pretend to root for didn't win? Because nothing happens because there's like.

One goal? Yeah. Like 90 minutes of just people running around and falling down and the clock is always running. Yeah. And it's nothing ever

seems urgent. It's just like people are walking on, walking on and off the field. There's like. Taking their sweet ass time. Yeah.

Yeah. Um. That's what I feel their sweet ass time. Yeah. That's what I feel like with when I watch, whenever I watch baseball. It feels like nothing is, this could go all day. There's not even a clock running. Yeah. Like nobody's got anything to do. We're all in our baseball outfits.

We're going to play baseball regardless. Baseball outfits. Well, it's lovely. But I've been getting into it. They all wear belts. They all have different types of socks. They wear belts? Yeah, their uniforms.

Yeah, one of the few sports with belts, probably. That and karate. Yeah, that's true. They should do a crossover. I didn't realize that baseball people wore belts. Yeah. Huh. That's like the main thing.

Oh. I thought the baseball was the main thing. No, belts. Okay. They're so, like, it's, I don't know. Are they like leather belts? Yeah. Do they have regulation buckles or are people trying to fancy it up? No, they do big, like, clamshell buckles.

Yeah. Clamshell. Can they personalize the buckle? No, they do big clamshell buckles. Clamshell? Can they personalize the buckle? No, they can't. That's too bad. That's one of the things I've noticed is because I don't watch a lot of baseball, but when you're just lying there

and you don't want to change the channel, the problem with regular TV is your show ends and then another show comes on that you don't like. But with baseball, it just goes for like six hours. It's just you kind of don't like it and it's always on. It's fine. But it's fine. So here are the things you can personalize as a baseball man.

Okay. Your socks. Yeah. You can have your socks up to your knees. Yeah. Or not at all. Okay. You can wear no socks?

Well, you have to wear socks. Could you wear those ankle socks? Yeah, with the pom-pom on the bottom? Yeah, you can do that. That's okay. Your pants, you can have baggy pants or you can have tight, old-timey pants. I like that. Your belt is standard.

You cannot customize your belt in any sort of standard. I don't like that I just found out there's a belt and then also found out that you can't customize it. A lot of guys wear these necklaces made of rope. What? They're supposed to help with your chakras or something. Rope? Yeah. They're like thicker than.

Are these stray dogs playing baseball? Yes, they are. They're junkyard dogs. A lot of guys. God, that would be so cute. Playing baseball in the office? Yeah, dogs playing baseball. A lot of guys will just dirty up their helmet for no reason

and just cover it in black tar and stuff. They can customize any of their facial hair, sideburns. Nope, that is standard. Really? Standard sized sideburns? Of course not. You really could tell me anything and I'd believe it. I don't know from baseball. Nope, that is standard. Really? Standard sized sideburns? Of course not. You really could tell me anything and I'd believe it.

I don't know from baseball. Well, the first baseman has to have sideburns. The second baseman has to have a mustache. But no, I'm just like, there's, I feel like there's so much more going on than soccer. Yeah, but still less going on than everything else. Oh yeah, absolutely. But it's just like real I like going to a baseball game once a year outdoors Because it's like you can get drunk

Yeah you get to say swing batter batter Yeah you get to shout at people At 18 year olds Yeah We only have a minor league team here Do you watch any sports with any regularity? No I don't I don't mind watching

like catching a sport in a bar or something or watching with people that are into it because I think that's kind of fun but just I'm not I'm not compelled

to do that on my own. No, that's fair. There's some sports that like, you know, like I can watch a football game because it makes sense to me. Baseball, there's all sorts of numbers.

The way that it's, I don't understand when they're like, it's this percentage, you know, they show a bunch of numbers of what the pitcher is. And I'm like, forget it. What the pitcher is. Like this is his half. He's a half horse. He's a centaur. But you know what I mean?

Like, what are they called? Box scores. I don't understand box scores. Oh, yeah. So it's like for, I feel like it's for like people who are math nerds. Yeah, definitely. Love baseball. Yeah, because it's just like you can statistically analyze a game.

Yeah, but like football, any idiot could just watch it like a football i can watch football i can watch hockey and i think it's i think it's i can't watch tennis oh no no i don't watch tennis because i have no idea what's going on i can watch tennis you can watch tennis yeah i can watch golf isn't that weird that is weird yeah i can watch an entire like an entire golf yeah it's It's soothing. Kind of. There's something very soothing and it's like, I totally get it. Yeah. I get like,

Oh, this guy is that far from the hole. That's where, that's where the thing wants to be. Could you watch billiards if it was on TV or darts? Oh, I definitely watch darts. I can watch bowling.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause it doesn't come on that often, but when it does, it's kind of like, Oh, who are these people? Yeah. It's weird. It feels, I feel like when we on that often, but when it does, it's kind of like, oh, who are these people? Yeah.

It's weird. I feel like when we had one sports channel in the whole country, bowling was on all the time. Really? Yeah, that was kind of like a Saturday afternoon. Yeah, and now there's like 12 sports channels, and it's all poker. It's true. Darts is fun to watch because that's like the sport of characters it's all crazy characters

because I think you'd have to be to be like a person who's like how do you train for darts? I think that's why they're characters because they rose up the ranks from a pub yeah billiards I guess I could watch I don't know the rules

of billiards really guess I could watch. I don't know the rules of billiards, really, but I could watch it. Yeah. Because I kind of... I couldn't. No? You don't think so? What if you had a baby lying on top of you? Yeah, probably.

The problem is, I guess it's like elitist or classist of me but like i don't like seeing a pool player who you know makes fifteen thousand dollars a year who thinks he's super cool like i don't mind a millionaire baseball player walking up with his uh uh cool his headphones on yeah are they allowed to do that of course they are um yeah i don't know i don't know much about sports, but I guess if I had to pick one to watch end-to-end, it would probably be, I'm going to say golf. Okay. I'm going to go with golf. But bowling, if it was on, I would watch. Bowling is all right.

You know what's good? I don't know all the rules, but Australian rules football is fun to watch. Oh, there are no rules. Yeah. What does that mean, Australian rules football? It's like kind of football, kind of rugby, kind of, it's like on a big, it's like on a big oval. Okay. And they're just super fit.

I don't really understand it, but I've been to a few games. And they don't wear pads. You've been to a few games in Australia? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, I like watching things live with a big group of people that care. Right.

It just feels like- Especially if you don't care. Yeah. it feels like a decent alternative to war it's like i understand i understand our human desire to be like my team your team and get it all out there yeah yeah no no that's fair uh do you have any political aspirations yeah or you might i like that as a decent alternative to war. I like, because I watch hockey and I love it. And when my team loses, I get legitimately sad. And so I need to watch other sports that won't make me sad, where I can just be neutral. What's your team? The Vancouver Canucks.

Yeah. The local squadron. Hockey season just started up and they've got these ads for, there's like a new streaming service where you can watch every game on your phone and on your iPad or whatever. Oh, so much. And, um, in the commercial, there's these people in a sports bar looking at their phones. No. Like there's no other place to look. I think it's.

And pumping their fists. Always pump your fists if you. And pump in their fists. Always pump your fists if you're watching sports in a commercial. Like that? Mm-hmm. Or up in the air. Yeah. Hey, how can both these teams be celebrating at the same time? We're streaming two different games.

That's what I like about sports. I like watching with people that are on their couch. And then they're like, bah, no, yes, bah. And they're up and down. And I just find it adorable. It's cute. It's cute. It's true. There's nothing I have in my life

where I'm like that. Yeah. Where I'm like, you know, I hope my squadron doesn't. Because I can really just, I can really just deflate. When you said squadron,

I just pictured like three fighter jets in a triangle formation. I think that war is an alternative to sports. Yeah. So yeah, sports, the new thing. Yeah. Wave of the summer, winter. Now I got to hanker in to watch some golf.

Oh boy, you got to try this baseball. Yeah? Yeah. But is it almost over this season? Yeah, that's why it's kind of good. Okay. It ends on all Hallows' Eve. With a great pumpkin.

Do you do Halloween at all? Are you a Halloween person? You know, I like Halloween. I haven't done it lately, I feel like. I feel like I'm often working or something's going on that kind of interferes with Halloween. But I think I'm meant to do it this year. Girlfriend wants to do it. Are you going to go to a, yeah, go to a party

or a bar or something like that? Yeah, I think there's a party, a party in the works. Do you have a costume idea? No, I think she wants to do something couple-y. Oh, well, that's what being in a couple's all about.

Couple costumes. All right, let's brainstorm a few. Okay. What's very much in the zeitgeist right now? Oh, wow. Well, there's Ben Affleck in that stripper.

Yeah, there's Pitbull and Kesha. Pitbull and Kesha now. Oh, wow. There's Ben Affleck in that stripper. There's Pitbull and Kesha. Pitbull and Kesha would be great for you. There's comedy in cucumber slices. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, what would be,

what's, you know. I have no idea, guys. I'm not. No. I'm part of pop culture. I feel like everything now is super depressing. It's like,

you could be two Ebola patients. No, that's awful. That's awful be two Ebola patients. No, that's awful. That's awful. Two Ebola patients. No doctor. Yeah. You could be ISIS and Syria.

Yeah, what's a funny, has there been a celebrity thing that's happened recently? I sent her a picture today as a joke of like, it was the worst thing I've ever seen. picture today as a joke of like it was the worst thing i've ever seen the lady dressed as like a socket and the man dressed as a plug with the plug coming out of his genitals there it is yeah yeah oh that's like that's the couple thing like ketchup mustard or maybe we could be you guys go ahead have an evening of what is this supposed to be try harder next time what do y'all what are you guys i was like y'all and i stopped myself what are y'all gonna be i don't i see that's the the reason i asked is because i suddenly realized i don't have any we need to come up with some baby and dog costumes oh yeah some some either like uh you know an ape from planet of the apes riding a horse

right oh yeah you got a lot but the baby can't ride the dog yeah but can the baby like be positioned next to the dog yeah because i'm trying to think of like you know some sort of warrior and uh animal that oh sure yeah Battlecat and He-Man. Yeah, yeah. She-Ra and Battle Dog. That would be pretty cute. Does She-Ra have a dog? I don't remember.

This is what always bothered me about She-Ra. I didn't get it because I was, you know, as a kid, I was trying to like apply logic to things. It was like He-Man. She-Ra. Yeah, it should have been She-Woman. Oh, yeah, She-Ra. Why did she-ra?

Was she, she was He-Man's cousin or something like that? They were related. Yeah. What was her non, because his name was Adam. Yeah, and he was an accountant. Oh, I don't know. Cherise. Because I feel like her name could have just been She-ra, and then she became She-ra.

Did she do the same thing? She had a sword that then made her into a... I barely remember. I feel like she came late to the game. They were like, wow, He-Man is more successful than we expected. Let's create more. It's more successful than

we could have ever given it credit for. It really was super, super popular. He was a master of the universe. That's true. Man, what a title. I mean, the universe is big. Yeah, but mostly they just kept fighting

the same bad guy over and over again. The universe is a big place, but there's no place like home. Yeah. I can't get a minute's peace from Skeletor in this giant universe. The universe is a big place, but there's no place like home. Yeah. Castle Grayskull? I can't get a minute's peace from Skeletor in this giant universe. I feel like I'm not really a master of it. He was just a skeleton in his face, and the rest of his body was like just a normal.

He just had a botched facelift. Yeah. That's the way to do it, though. You wouldn't want a normal face in a skeleton body. That would be the worst. But you could dress it up. You could, well, I mean, everybody would be like,

those clothes are not anything, right? Kind of frail. Yeah. Looks like one of those girls from these dancer parties. Grab a sandwich, Skeletor. Spatial awareness. Covered up with plastic bags.

So you're going as He-Man and Skeletor it's gonna be the greatest I don't know yeah that's that's that's part of being in a couple

around Halloween that's the doing a couple have you ever done a couple's costume before? no but the first year that we were like you know

kind of dating things were new it was Halloween it was this is kind of classic me classic her she went as uh lydia from beetlejuice okay and she like looked amazing i loved lydia from yeah yeah yeah

went on a ride yeah and i went i was not at all matched so she's like cute you know kind of goth girl whatever and i was like i'll be where Where's Waldo. I got this sweater. Got this camera. I did a really good Where's Waldo. And it was fun photobombing photos all night. Oh, yeah.

In terms of the kind of tone of our costumes, they weren't very well matched. But they're the same kind of era of pop culture. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, that's all makes your relationship work. Is it? Yeah. You just have, maybe. Yeah, that's all you have to do. That's what makes your relationship work. Is it? Yeah. You just have to pick a year and be like,

we're going to be two celebrities from 2002. I'm going to be Cisco. And you're going to be Ebert. Oh, that would be good.

Cisco and Ebert? Cisco and Ebert. Cisco and Ebert is the costume. Was that the thong song? Yeah. That's great. I'll be Cisco and youbert. Cisco and Ebert is the costume. Was that the thong song? Yeah. That's great. I'll be Cisco and you wear a thong.

I'm going to try to sell this. And you wear a thong. I don't think she's going to go for it. But you know what? She's never going to go for something you haven't pitched. That's true. That's true. That's Halloween to me.

There's no bad ideas. Well, there are. I mean, yeah, but you got to get them There's no bad ideas. Well, there are. I mean, yeah, but you got to get them all out there. Yeah. We got to hear them so that we know what the good ideas are, right? Yeah. Graham? Yeah?

What's going on with you? Not too much, but I want to say that we got a message from a listener. What? Asking us for advice, which we don't usually get. Hey, this is cool. We're not an advice-based podcast. Okay. But I figured, why not?

So for your Get to Know Us This Week, this is what you're doing? This is what I'm doing. And I had to talk about baseball. Yeah, but I mean, I thought it was great. We both got this email. Can we share this? Yeah, we can share this. Can this be our costume?

Yep. We're going to go as this question. Would you ever do a costume where the two of you are like a two-headed monster? Yeah, that would be fun, actually. And you're like sharing. It would be fun until you tried to sit down. Yeah. Ugh, brother.

Or go to the bathroom. Yeah. It's always, there's these great ideas for costumes, but then you're like, I want to take a photo in it. You guys should be the Twin Towers. I did a couple's costume like that with my best friend when I was 13 that I had a huge crush on. I didn't know I was gay yet, so it was perfect. I was like, I found these giant boxer shorts.

Let's go together inside the shorts all night. I'll be the little spoon. And your friend was like, yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, we did it. Oh, wow. But what was the costume? We were just like conjoined twins, I guess.

We got a giant shirt. Oh, okay. So it just started with the boxer shirts and then it built from there. Is that the like physical ailment that is most acceptable

for a Halloween costume? Conjoined twins. Yeah. People are like, hey, check it out. I'm clubfoot. That's not cool. Yeah, you're right.

I'm clubfoot. I can't hear out of one ear. What? Yeah. I'm colorblind. Oh, that wouldn't be a bad costume

if you were wearing all mismatched colors and just carrying a thing like a bucket of destroyed cones what because of rods

and cones yeah just like get some some traffic cones and smash them up I'm going I'm thinking outside the box.

Yeah. Wow. That's one of those costumes where people have to ask you what you are and you have to explain. I'm colorblind. These are supposed to represent rods and cones. What are those? Well, they're what enable you to see color. Technically, cones are the color ones.

Rods are for light. Yeah, but you'd have to explain. Somebody would be like, I've heard of rods, but what are these cones? They're their friends. Now I understand someone wrote in with some advice for us. You could do as rods and cones. Oh yeah, sure. That would be okay. That would be fun. And one of you could

be a rowdy, rowdy piper and the other one could be a cone head. This Halloween writes itself. We, this is, this is a where is this person from they didn't say where they're from they're embarrassed that they did that what they did and they're asking our advice on this okay uh we recently bought a 13 foot sailboat sight unseen must be nice right a sight unseen yeah did you even know you wanted it i don't know i wouldn't know the difference if you showed me a picture of a sailboat and then

brought a different sailboat i'd be like yeah but also i feel like these people they have life worked out what do they need advice about they're just buying sailboats i know yeah exactly what are you gonna ask maybe we should ask them for Yeah. How do you get to the point where you're buying a sailboat? Sight unseen. So what is a 13 foot sailboat? That's like not, not super long. It's like a foot bigger than a 12 foot. Oh, I see.

Like you can fit. How many subs can you fit on there? 12. Oh, really? Yeah. So picture your favorite sub each month and then picture them all coming together in December. So you have all 12 foot long subs line them all up why is that add an extra sub thank you and that's the 13 foot um so

so they bought this thing like two people can fit on that yeah i guess two people are you you have to like rig stuff or like it's not it's not a yacht or anything. You can't go below deck. No. 13-foot sailboat would be like something that a shark could chomp in half. I hate boats so much. Really? Yeah. How come?

Because you're stuck there. Oh, you hate being on a boat. Yeah. You don't hate the concept of boats. I don't care about the concept of boats. You gotta chill about boats. I like boats. Yeah? Do you like being on a boat? I like being on a boat. Yeah. You don't hate the concept of boats. I don't care about the concept of boats. You gotta ship cargo. I like boats. Yeah?

Yeah. You like being on a boat? I like being on a boat. I like the concept of boats. Okay. I'm jealous of these people that can just buy a sailboat. Yeah. Would you buy a sailboat if you had the scratch?

Well, I thought I would, and then a friend pointed out to me once that it involves a lot of being in the wind and getting chapped. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. And then I was like, no, I don't want a sail i don't want to cover yourself with balm all day long face balm lip balm neck balm all different um so they bought a 13 foot sailboat you think this is expensive i'm looking up 13 foot sailboat on um on e on eBay. On Craigslist. Uh, and when it was delivered to our front yard, we found out that it has a prominent Canadian themed paint job.

Nice. Uh, they said the problem is. A portrait of Bruno Gerussi. Yeah. And, uh, Terry Fox, I guess. Yeah, sure. Suzuki. Mm-hmm.

Uh, the problem is we're not Canadian and we feel like imposters. We would repaint it, but our son has fallen in love with the red and white maple leaves. He wants to name our boat Blood Bucket. What? The question, what should an American-owned Canadian-themed sailboat be named? Blood Bucket is the one to beat. Yeah, Blood Bucket's good. There's a picture of it. Oh, I see why he's trying be named, Blood Bucket is the one to beat. Yeah, Blood Bucket's good. There's a picture of it.

Oh, I see why he's trying to call it Blood Bucket. Yeah. Is that him in there? That's the little kid. Aw. That's Blood Bucket. That is sweet. That looks like a tiny boat.

Yeah, that's what a 13-foot sailboat looks like. Yeah. What's it like, 12 subs? Oh, close. You're right in the neighborhood. What's it like? 12 subs? Oh, close. You're in the right, you're right in the neighborhood. Is Quiznos still open?

Today or just in general? In general. Yeah, in general, for sure. Can I please just read the last line of this email? Oh, sure, yeah. Here's a picture, but please don't post it online.

It's too weird and embarrassing. It's so cute. But it's not that weird or embarrassing. Are they in it? No. Yeah, the kids in it. Well, what's embarrassing is they seem to

have their thumb over the lens a little bit oh yeah yeah right yeah i see blood bucket there's blood bucket it starts to make sense when you yeah it's a big yeah blood bucket's the one to beat uh a canadian themed american owned uh beachcomber yeah tim horton beachcomber you could call it tim horton you could call it tim Horton. You could call it... Tim Horton I like, yeah. Because that's American-owned now, right? Oh, yeah. That works.

Canadian-owned, American-owned. You could call it Molson Canadian. Mm-hmm. You could call it... Oh, what's the red-headed thing from PA? Red-headed thing. Anna Green Gables. Anna Green Gables.

Yeah, that's it. That's what I was looking for. Yeah. I thought I was being silly. That's right. I don't know. I like Blood Bucket. Blood Bucket is,

it's tough to beat. Mm-hmm. Tim Hortons is good. But like, you should never, just let a kid name it. If a kid says Blood Bucket, it's Blood Bucket.

Yeah. The SS Blood Bucket. Yeah, I feel kind of gross like i see why he calls it blood bucket but i would feel gross getting on a boat called blood bucket okay so does it does it not make you feel weird no it does to keep saying blood bucket dave hates being on a boat no matter what it's called yeah you're kind of more pro boat i'm pro boat and graham where do you land but i'm kindblood buckets. I think I like being on a boat. I definitely like drinking on a boat.

But I don't like being on a boat all day. I like going on a boat that has a start point and an end point. I don't want to just be on a boat all day. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to be on a boat for a second. That's the thing about boats. Yeah, that's what's weird about them is like you go away from port.

Now you're in the water with whoever else is on the boat. You have to really want to hang out with those people. Absolutely. There's nowhere to go. And it's, you know, you get day drunk on a boat. I don't even like being on a bridge. No? It's too much like a boat.

Anything around water. Yeah. I feel like I'm above water somehow. How about like a paddle board when you're like swimming in a pool? Oh, those kick paddles? Yeah. Oh, swimming in a pool with a paddle board. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like pools. Yeah, okay. So, but what if you're on something that floats? One of those pedal boats? Yeah, what if you're on one of those? Yeah, those are fun. But they just kind of spin around in a circle if you're just by yourself. Well, because you're guaranteed.

The problem with a boat is someone always likes the boat more than you do. Oh, but no. I want to stay out here all day. Hey, let's go on a boat cruise. But like one of those pedal boats, everyone's like, I'm bored immediately. Yeah, that's true. And then it takes forever to get anywhere. You're just like pedal, pedal, pedal, going nowhere.

And then you're like, wait, which way are you pedaling? And your partner's like, backwards? That would be the worst place to break up is on one of those paddle boats, right? Because then you're like, now we've got to pedal. Now we've got to work as a team. Yeah. This is why I won't take you back because of your pedaling. The best thing to do, though, is break off and then dive off the boat

and swim to shore. Then they're just pedaling in circles. Just swimming away slowly. And the boat explodes. I'm going to collect the insurance money I took out

on our relationship. I took out an insurance policy. Anyway, so I don't know if we beat Blood Bucket. You can't. No. It was the I don't know if we beat Bloodbucket. You can't. No.

It was the Bloodbucket challenge and we lost. So congratulations on buying your boat. We're going to post the picture online so everybody can see it. It's a cool looking boat. I mean, I don't know from sailboats, but it looks pretty cool. It does look cool. It's red on the outside and white on the inside. Yeah.

But like how much of that red is underwater? Oh, yeah. I always forget about that. All of it, because it's got a hole in it. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, enjoy your boat. And should we move on to overheards? Yeah.

All right. We're not quite ready for overheards. We lied. We have a Jumbotron message this week. This one is from Jan or Jan, a man named Jan. Yeah. This one is to Mark, and he says, Mark, it's been great working with you,

and I know you and Anne will keep it fresh in Lethbridge. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You have no choice but to keep it fresh in Lethbridge. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You have no choice but to keep it fresh in Lethbridge. You've proven beyond a doubt that hipsters can be good accountants. That was never a thought. Oh, yeah, sure. With their abacus. Doing artisanal accounting.

I hope your dream of Graham covering the weird dress code at hulk hogan's restaurant will come true uh that was that yeah you weren't allowed to wear um bandanas or ripped shirts yeah that doesn't seem right yeah those are two of his uh is the staff allowed to oh they're encouraged yeah absolutely no yeah yeah, it was very controversial. Controversial dress code at Hulk Hogan's fine dining restaurant. Anyways, so there you go. Your wish came true. All right.

So if you would like to have your message on our show, head over to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Now, do you want to move on to Overheard? I sure do i have a message yeah okay i meant to say this earlier because these guys are listening and they love your podcast and they told me that i needed to be on it before you even asked ali and farah they're big fans of you guys hi guys hey ali and ali and farah yeah how's it going hey welcome yeah welcome. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to your ears. Welcome aboard the SS Bloodbath, or whatever it's called.

Yeah, Bloodbucket. Bloodbath. Now overheard? Yeah, now overheard. Hey, MaxFun listeners. I'm Dave Holmes, and if you've been missing my show, International Waters, then you've been missing this. Are chocolate chips a big thing in the UK? Like chocolate chip cookies?

How behind do you think we are as a nation? Oh my God. Have you heard? They've managed to steal chocolate into small drops. What? Yeah, they're pretty big. Chocolate chips have made it to the UK. Because I don't like them.

What? Right. So are you looking to move to a nation that doesn't? Is that what you're saying? I'm just sick of being ridiculed. I've heard Serbia them. What? Right. So are you looking to move to a nation that doesn't... Is that what you're saying? I'm just sick of being ridiculed. I've heard Serbia doesn't have chocolate chips. So I can move there.

International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Destination DIY. It's a show about people taking matters into their own hands, and we're really excited to be bringing it to Maximum Fun. You know, having that experience of I can do that makes me feel like I can almost do anything. Here at Destination DIY, we like to

push the do-it-yourself envelope beyond crafts and home improvement. So tune in to hear the stories of makers, builders, inventors, and all kinds of creative people. You can essentially build a do-it-yourself space program today, and now, luckily, I'm a part of that. Check out Destination DIY at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Overheard. This is the segment on the show where we, you know, something hilarious you've overheard. Yes. You report it here.

Okay. And everybody gets to enjoy it. Pretty simple. Now, we usually start with the guest. Okay. This is your first time ever, so we can start. I'm ready. You're ready?

Okay. Awesome. Because I overheard something amazing in Vancouver. I think it was Tuesday night, walking down the drive. A young woman holding court with two other young people, another woman and a man. All right. And she said something to the effect of, when you're young, you can wear your hair messy. But when you're old, your face is messy and you have to wear your hair neat.

It's true. It is true. And I, yeah, I think it is true, actually. When you see, yeah, when you see an old person with really messy hair, you automatically think, like, derelict. Or, yeah, they're just a bad day yeah they've been woken up or einstein oh flipping the script but i think that she thinks wrinkles are messy which i think is kind of cute well they're not uniform and if they were it would Terrifying. You had uniform wrinkles. Just like graph paper. Yeah.

Just like symmetry. Do you think, I think your face gets messy as you get older. Like your eye goes up, one eye goes down. Oh, yeah. And your ears, your ears keep growing. Your mouth falls off. Yeah. You know, she wasn't wrong. No, she wasn't wrong. Old people's faces can be plenty messy. Yeah. Yeah, you know she wasn't wrong. No, she wasn't wrong. Old people's

faces can be plenty messy. Keep them tresses neat, old people. Tresses, yes. Although I will say, old people's hair, if it's too neat, it's a wig. They drag it to you, that's a wig.

That's true. When you see an old person, a senior citizen, really done up with a nice outfit and like really nice hair. I don't know. I feel really good about that when I see it. I'm going to die with dignity today. I feel good about that too. But I always feel like put to shame a little bit because it's not me that day, even as a young person with all the capabilities.

And it won't be me when I'm older. I'll just be in sweatpants all the time. How do you know, though? Maybe it will be. Maybe you'll transition over time and you'll be like, nope. I feel like I just want to be comfy, though. Yeah, that's true. And if you want to be comfy now, like how much more comfy will you want to be?

I know, but I don't think you need to be as comfy when you're old. Like now you've got all this tight skin, so it's hard to move around. But when it's loose, it's like you're wearing sweatpants. Yeah, exactly. It's not as constricting. You can put on some neat slacks. Yeah. That's knee skin over there on the back of my leg.

It doesn't bother me. Oh, yeah. I wonder if bother me. Oh, yeah. I wonder if you, like... Oh, no. If you lie down, like, do you feel the skin, like, kind of pooling? I think you probably do.

Or, like, if you run super fast, or, like, if you take a flight. You run super fast. You hear it? Yeah. If you're on, like, a high-speed train, you're like, oh, my skin is two seconds behind me. I made the train, but I'm not sure my skin's gonna? Yeah. If you're on like a high speed train, you're like, oh, my skin is two seconds behind me.

I made the train, but I'm not sure my skin's gonna. Yeah. My skin got caught in the door. That's how Skeletor lost his face. Dave, you got an overheard? Mine's an overheard. It's from, well, it wasn't a thing I was present for. I've been watching a lot of TV.

Oh, my God. Newborn. But I was watching this television show called Dr. Oz. Oh, yeah. Dr. Osmond. It's about Donny Osmond making it in Salt Lake City as a doctor. In Salt Lake City as a doctor. And no, he was Dr. Oz, Dr. Mehmet Oz was talking about sugar, the amount of sugar that everyone eats.

And he was sort of. Am I eating enough? You know how people like will break down the length of something into football fields? It's six football fields long. Oh, right. Yeah. He was talking, he gave way too many examples of how much sugar the average American eats. He said, every year the average American eats 142 pounds of sugar. That is 1,500 bottles of soda.

Not a soda drinker? Prefer cookies? That's 5,000 cookies. That's 16 cookies a day. You don't need that many cookies. Let me put it in other terms. It's 200 cups of ice cream. Not good enough?

It's Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars made of sugar. Did he really say Bruno Mars made of sugar? He said Bruno Mars made of sugar. Wow, that's the one that I identify with. Because I was like, I feel like I've got a good sense of pop star size. Yeah, I had a hard time picturing everything else until Bruno Mars. Yeah, and then I was like, ooh, that's too much.

I know. A whole Bruno Mars of sugar? I wish I, every year for Christmas, what I would like is a Bruno Mars made of sugar. Yeah. And just lick at it every day and winnow it down. Now, nobody eats 16 cookies a day. No, you get your sugar from other things as well. I think like.

Ketchup. Yeah, even maybe. Yeah, there's sugar in ketchup. Maybe it includes carbohydrates, so like bread. Oh, right. I think you'd have to be including that, hey? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Also like, yeah. Well, how much sugar? Are you supposed to have zero sugar? Is that the ideal? No. No, you have to have some, right? Yeah. And it's preferable to get it from, like, a Mars bar or Snickers?

No, it's preferable to get it in, like. A little gleam in your eye. In, like, Pop Star portions. Oh, yeah. So, like, a Bruno Mars or a Kesha of sugar. You want a pop star portion. So like a Bruno Mars or a Kesha of sugar. You want a mini pops. Yeah, you want it.

Oh, yeah. How many mini pops of sugar is a Bruno Mars? Two, two and a half? Oh, wow. Yeah. So, no, I think you need some sugar. Yeah.

We all need sugar. I guess, but like, you know, a sugar cube a month is probably enough, right? But I think you're supposed to avoid like processed sugars. Why? Those are the best ones. Those are the sweetest.

Dr. Oz, he's, you know, he's got a lot of facts, but not a lot of fun. He doesn't really even have facts. He's got an hour to fill every day. So he's got to come up with like. He's got to come up with a lot of analogies. He did. He's got an hour to fill every day. So he's got to come up with like. He's got to come up with a lot of analogies. He did. He's done like a bowl. 43 minutes in.

He's still like in other terms. Yeah. He just keeps going. He's like making up scenarios. He's like this football player. If he lost 40. All right. Let's picture an amount of potassium

it's got those little old-timey weights from like a science lab oh yeah i remember i had a friend who stole one of those he thought it was so cool i was like all you did was ruin a set of weights you're not gonna do anything with that. You just stole it to steal it. I wanted to go home and calibrate my scale. My parents don't know I have a scale. I weigh everything in the house. Pretty good. Like one of those drug dealer scales?

Yeah. You need to calibrate those. Yeah. Sure. They have them, they sell them at the coffee shop up the street because like there's a movement in like weighing, like being super scientific with your coffee brewing. Ugh. And like you've got to get this temperature and this weight of beans. But people are just using them to weigh drugs.

Yeah, yeah. We'll see how much drugs it takes to kill me. Last month I did Bruno Mars worth of drugs. Um, do you have an overheard? Yeah, I do. My overheard, uh, comes courtesy of a girl trying to tell her friends what they should go as for Halloween and panicking after coming up with two not great ideas. She said, oh, you guys should go as like a chicken and an egg. And they go, and then she goes, or a frog or a gorilla.

What about this? Like a frog in an egg? Or a frog in a chicken? I don't know. She just started saying animals. No frog. No gorilla. I don't know.

Do you remember your earliest Halloween costume? Oh, sure do. Why? Well, the earliest one I remember was when I was in kindergarten. This is already incredibly cute. My mom used to say... You went remember was when I was in kindergarten. This is already incredibly cute. My mom used to say. You went to kindergarten? I went to kindergarten.

My mom used to say, if you eat peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch, which I did, you're going to turn into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So my Halloween costume was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh, that's so cute. It was pretty nice, but it was mostly just foam boards on either side of me. It was a homemade one. Yeah. It wasn't one of those ones where you have a mask that's a cute. It was pretty nice, but it was mostly just foam boards on either side of me. It was a homemade one. Yeah. It wasn't one of those ones where you have a mask that's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,

and then there's a smock that says peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it. A smock. No, dad had some foam from work or whatever, and they cut the bread. It was very exciting. That's the first one I remember. Yeah. What was, would you remember yours? We had these, a woman who I think was our nanny.

I don't know. I'm the youngest of the kids. I don't really remember this woman. But she sewed these great Miss Piggy costume and Kermit the Frog costume. Oh yeah. And so I think I was probably Kermit the Frog. Yeah, well. As far as I remember.

There's pictures of me wearing it I don't remember the ever wearing the Miss Piggy one I like that you had a like nanny indentured costumer

that you barely remember that made you a costume well she made costumes for the older kids and I just

sort of inherited them oh right so it was just this is what your brother wanted to be one year

I don't know if she was still the nanny when I was no Fran drescher was the nanny when i was a kid uh that was my earliest friend drescher oh wow no i was i think i the earliest one i can remember was a superman costume and i my aunt made the logo Like she was very crafty. That's cool. So I remember my aunt made that and then like it was just, I'm pretty sure the cape came from a discount devil costume.

I remember that. I remember that the cape was not an official Superman cape. And yeah, I probably wore it for most of the year after Halloween. It was weird that Superman had 666 on his cape. We went with it. Why did it say horny devil on the back? Because now they have the kids costumes off the rack are great. Like they'll have like every superhero with the muscles in the suit.

Yeah. And like princess dresses. And I remember as a kid, like going to the store and you know, there's nothing for kids. There's just like a cheap plastic thing

with a mask with a dumb smock. Yeah, yeah. And then you'd see the grown-up costumes and it would be like full costumes of like doctor.

Devil. Wink, wink. But looking back, they were probably just like super cheap material and i think like you're missing out if you're putting a little kid in a muscly costume you're missing out on the hilariousness of their like crazy kid belly being in like a superhero costume yeah You're missing out on instant memories. Although my three-year-old nephew did go as Captain America last year in a muscly costume and it was adorable. That is pretty adorable.

Because he had, you know, the V-shaped torso and big shoulders and he was three. He's ripped. The best is when like they also have to just wear, you know, their regular shoes with it. Yeah. Or when you see a kid. just wear their regular shoes with it. Yeah. Or when you see a kid. Or a coat over top of it because it's cold on Halloween. That was my favorite costume my brother did one year was a kid dressed as Superman trick-or-treating. So it was like just the cape sticking out of the back of a ski jacket.

That's really cute. And the boots. That was all he had it was pretty good uh now we have uh overheard sent into us by listeners from all over the globe if you want to send one into us you can send it into spy at maximumfund.org the first one comes to us from olivia in chicago olivia in chicago um This is a long-time listener, first-time emailer. First time emailing anyone? Yep. Wow.

Yeah. I just signed up for email to email you. Is it a web TV address? Yeah, it's at AOL.startup.good. The first week AOL existed. Dot startup, dot the first week AOL existed. I was in my neighborhood Kmart checking out when two adolescent girls came up behind me. One very clearly singing at the top of her lungs.

After a final note, the singing girl said, you know what I want? I want to be the youngest person ever to be on The Voice. After a brief pause, her friend said, I want Little Caesars. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to have goals. Have you seen that ad? There's this, the Little Caesars commercial. It looks so good until like a third of the way through the pizza, but it's this pretzel crust pizza. Okay.

And then. You've got my attention. And then the sauce is Cheez Whiz. Oh. I mean, it's not, you know, Cheez Whiz, Cheez Whiz, but it's them spreading, instead of tomato sauce, cheese sauce on it, and it looks like Cheez Whiz. How is that even still a pizza?

Yeah, I guess it's. Well, it's Little Caesar, so it's Pizza Pizza. Okay. Hot and ready. That hot and ready pizza. So good, right? I did some damage on myself with that. You used to live two blocks from a little season?

Not even. Like a block. Like it was right behind my place. Dang. Couple's costume. Hot and ready. We're doing it. Oh, it's too perfect.

Get ready to carry home your trophy is best. Anybody who throws a Halloween party needs to have that. Describe where the costumes are and which one are you. I'm ready. You're very modest. Ready, so you've got what? You're all buttoned up and ready to go. You're wearing starter's blocks on your feet like a sprinter.

You work on it. I'm thinking about it. That's very exciting. This next one comes from Ross W. in Tacoma, Washington, home of the Tacoma Dome. Greatest structure in all the Pacific Northwest. Car museum. Oh, yeah. That's next to the tacoma dome this is an

overseen from a few years ago when i was in the army uh every battalion has a big sign in front of the headquarters with the name of the unit the battalion commander blood bucket and the battalion sergeant major one of the units up the street for me was led by the dual duo of lieutenant colonel love and sergeant major tickle colonel love and major tickle for real yeah wow pretty great that's really great love and tickle new halloween costumes or like a 70s cop show. Oh, yeah. You're off the case, love. Fuck you, Tickle. That was the season they liked, swearing in the 70s.

And this last one comes from Emily B. in Cincinnati. I was at work today and sit in a row with recruiters. Their boss peeked her head into my cubicle and said, I listen in on interviews sometimes. I'm sorry if the speakerphone bothers you.

I, of course, said it was fine, and I'm so happy I did. The interviewee on the phone asked the recruiter guy sitting next to me, have you ever seen Phenomenon with John Travolta? My whole life philosophy is based around that movie. with John Travolta. My whole life philosophy is based around that movie. What is that? That's the movie where he's

not the one where he's an angel. No, it's where he has, you know, he's like abilities. Yeah, he learns Portuguese in 20 minutes, but not all of it. Yeah.

And it turns out it's a brain tumor. Yeah. Well, what do you reckon the life philosophy is? You know, be good. Yeah, be smart until you die. Yeah, and just become smarter and smarter.

YOLO, YOLO. Yeah, YOLO, yeah. YOLO. YOLO. LA, LA, LA. Sure. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that I've seen the movie.

I know the- What movie have you guys built your lives around? Back to the Future. Sure. Yeah. What is the philosophy? If I ever go back in time, don't try, like, don't touch anything because it could skew the whole into an alternate 1985 where I was never born.

So, that's my leading philosophy. I would be really worried because I don't know how my parents fell in love. So if I stop them from falling in love, I don't know how I would get it to happen again. The next time that your mom comes by, I'm going to ask. Thanks. What about you? I don't know. I was sitting here trying to think of it.

Life philosophy. Like, I don't even think I have a life philosophy, first of all. No. It's almost like. Oh, Jurassic Park, Nature Finds a Way. Sure. Mine would probably be K-Pax. Because I don't eat bananas.

Oh. I eat them in a peel. A movie I saw a bunch as a kid, like literally nine times, was Footloose. So I guess my life philosophy would be like, fuck it. Fuck it. Kick off your Sunday shoot. Just do what you're going to do. Yeah.

Was that the message behind Footloose? Yeah. Fuck it. I think the message was bound and down. Yeah, no, mine is, yeah, still K-Pax. I haven't seen K-Pax, but I mean, he was an alien was he an alien alien sent from space yeah or was he a crazy guy he wasn't sent from space he was just you know there oh he was in space yeah it turns out he was the tumor in oh wow crossover movie it's like how uh richard belzer's in uh four

or five different shows that's the same character. Richard Bell's a monk? Munch. Tony Shalhoub is monk. I'm sorry. Now do we have overheards that have been sent in? It's a jungle out there. Here is... What is that? It's the theme from Monk.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. My name's Cherie. I'm calling from Wellington, New Zealand with an overheard. I'm a school teacher over here.

I teach 9 and 10-year-olds. And a couple of months ago, I was taking a unit called Keeping Ourselves Safe and it's all about teaching kids about how to look out for signs of abuse and grooming and it's kind of grim but the first lesson we had was on being able to discern between a good touch, a bad touch and a confusing touch. Confusing touch. One of the boys in my class put his hand up with a suggestion for a confusing touch and he said, oh, well, a confusing touch would probably be when my dad puts talcum powder on my ball sack

after we've been running. I mean, I'd only been teaching for about two months, so I was kind of like, oh God, that sounds like it's more of a medical thing so maybe not so confusing and I turn around to write something on the whiteboard and I hear from the back of the room oh my god the word you meant to use is testicles and talk about too much

information so it was not baking powder, baby powder. Talcum powder, yeah. On the kids. After they go running. Oh, after they go running.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, well, that's not that confusing. Well, what he didn't mention is he makes him run on a treadmill in the basement. You're sure? Yeah. But only because he bought way too much of this powder. He's never going to use it. You need to start running.

When you learned about that in school, did the confusing touch exist? I don't think we did learn about that in school. I couldn't tell you what it is now. All I remember is bathing suit area. That was how they framed it. They were like, if anybody touches you in your bathing suit area, I'm like, but what if I'm not wearing my bathing suit area that was the how they framed it they were like if anybody touches you in your bathing suit area i'm like but what if i'm not wearing my bathing suit how are they supposed to know um giving them the benefit of the doubt i wasn't wearing my bathing suit at the

time how were you to know that i i wear mine's this shape. I wear jams. Ours was, it was my body. It was the song was my body's nobody's body, but mine. Oh, that's nice. You run your own body. Let me run mine. Oh. And it was a lot of videos of like.

People getting tattoos. Yeah. People with clipboards. I got to run this body. Yeah. Oh, boy. I'm way behind on my body. Yeah. Oh with clipboards, I got to run this body. Yeah. Oh, boy. I'm way behind on my body. Yeah.

Oh, man. I've only eaten 141 pounds of sugar this year. I'm never going to get to Bruno Mars. I don't remember this part of my educational experience, which feels like a glaring gap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because there's, you know, it definitely was an elementary school. Yeah. It was like, don't get in a truck or a van.

We got a lot of that. Yeah. We got a lot of don't get in a van. And the thing that was always like, even if they say that they're your mom's friend. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was the thing. Prove it.

Yeah. And that felt scary to me. Are you insufferable? Did you have a police officer come to your school and talk? I remember that we all got fingerprinted. Yeah, we got fingerprinted too. Yeah. When we were kids.

Did you get that? I don't remember. I did. I get the cop did give me his gun and I did shoot him. I remember that they were looking for a kid bandit. That's why they were fingerprinting all of us. We had to do some sort of tiny bandit. We had to do DNA swabs.

fingerprinting all of us. We had to do some sort of tiny bandage. We had to do DNA swabs. It's funny because there was this guy that would come around to all the schools and he'd be like,

come every year and do the same kind of spiel. Yeah. Don't get into a van. Any van. Yeah. If your parents own a van, don't get into it.

It's very uncool. And then there was a guy called Simon the Safety Bear that like came along with this cop. And he was like a mascot. So he didn't talk. He was just there. He wore a bathing suit.

Yeah. The cop constantly patted him on the. Yeah. Let's demonstrate on Simon what's inappropriate. Simon. Assume the position. Permanent frown on his mask but like I still

don't know what I know what a good touch is it's like a hug from your mom yeah I don't I couldn't tell you

what the confusing touch is but it depends it's you know if your mom's been drinking with friends and then comes and gives you a hug

then you're confused you're like why are you hugging me at one in the morning? You smell weird. If someone really wants to pop a zit. Oh yeah, that would be very confusing. Or pull off your band-aid.

Or if somebody taps you on the shoulder and you look over, but the person's on the other side. That is a confusing touch. Okay, here's your next phone call. Hi, this is Aaron from Baltimore, Maryland. And I was in Fells Point the other day. And there's this family that was all dressed up in khakis. And they looked like a golfing family.

And their son, who was a bit thugged out, with his pants down, his underwear out, and this long shirt, I don't know what it was. And he said, Mom, for the love of God, where is the space for Corpse Grinder? And I looked around, I had no idea what he was talking about. And then he said, Mom, look at Corpse Grinder. Where can I put him in the car?

We have to go. And he pointed to a little tiny cactus in a clay flower pot. It's like, I'm guessing that's what that was. You named it Corpse Grinder? Corpse Grinder, the cactus. Mom, where can we put it? In the garbage. Yeah.

Where you got it from? I think it's the perfect decoration for Blood Bucket. Yeah, no doubt. I do like the idea of this golfing family, as he was describing them, having one thug son. Yeah, with his pet cactus. Was it a pet? Yeah. Do you name a plant? No. I guess I would, if his pet cactus. Was it a pet? Yeah. Do you name a plant?

No. I guess I would if I had one. Every summer we have a big problem with fruit flies. Yeah. Not a big problem, just annoying. And I think next year we're going to try to get we. I have designs on a Venus flytrap. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That would be cool. I feel like that's a cool carnivorous plant. Yeah. You got to take good care of those. Nah. Oh, nah. Yeah, they'll be fine. I take it back.

You can trick them. You can poke them with a pen, and then they start to close. And then they think they've eaten. Yeah. Yeah. That's how they stay so thin. Oh, man. Yeah, I've never had a plant.

That's a confusing touch for them. That's exactly what that is. The old pen poke. I just put gum in there and they just gnaw it all day. Yeah, chewing tobacco will also work. A plant with a vice. I think you could make it smoke.

Yeah, absolutely. A plant that won't smoke is no plant for me. Because that's not a cool plant. Like, you can make a fern smoke. A cactus. Just about any succulent. Any of your succulents, sure. Here's your final overheard of 2014.

Dave Graham, billowing guest. This is Luke in Seattle. This is Seattle with a drunk dial slap overheard. I was just walking through Seattle's renowned Capitol Hill, and I saw a gentleman about 40 with an older woman, maybe 60. They were both kind of leaning on a telephone pole. And the older woman was saying, I don't know. And the 40-ish man was saying, come on, you can go to night church, mom.

You're pressuring your mom. Let me borrow the car on Sunday morning. What would you be doing on Sunday morning? Oh, you know, delivering toys. Yeah, that's true. Taking your cactus out for a drive. That brings us to the end of the show. Wow.

I know. What a long strange trip it's been. Yeah. So go to the show. Wow. I know. Can you believe it? What a long, strange trip it's been. Yeah. So go to Capitol Hill when you're in Seattle. Okay, I'll do that. It's renowned. Yeah. And is there anything you would like to plug?

Anything you have upcoming? Well, no. But I remembered this when the guy was talking about Baltimore, that I overheard in a Salvation Army, a young boy call his mom fuck nuts. Which I never heard before. And then the woman working at Salvation Army gave it to that boy. Oh, wow. Yeah.

She was like, that is not how you speak to your mother. Was this in Baltimore? Yeah, in Baltimore. It was kind of amazing. It's like, I'm Hungarian. My name's fuck nuts. It's a good one. Good accent, Graham.

Good accent work. I guess I would say anyone could just Google my name, Deanne Smith, and then connect with me. Yeah. I just want to be connected. Yeah. Sure. You're on Twitter. I'm on Twitter.

My name's Deanne Smith. You got a website? Deannesmith.com. There it is. I should update it. Oh, yeah. No, don't worry. Nobody expects to find any information on a comedian's website.

Okay, good. Perfect. Exactly. Yeah. That is the number one thing people say on the show. Yeah, I really need to update my website. Thanks for being our guest. Guys, it was my pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, good luck in Seattle and where else? Portland? Strip clubs. That's all I heard. Guys, it was my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, good luck in Seattle and where else? Portland? Strip clubs. That's all I heard. Oh, yeah. Good luck at the strip clubs.

Yeah, you'll be accepting lap dances along the way. Smiling ear to ear. This is like a field trip. Old Smiles is here again. Talking about the confusing touch.

Can I put my smile on you? That's what a serial killer says. Do we have anything that we have to plug? I guess MaxFunWeek has already passed. I think it's sort of ending now.

Okay, so thanks for purchasing it. We were on the International Waters episode that came out this week. And the ladies from Baby Geniuses. Great. And also my wife Abby and I were guests on One Bad Mother.

Check that out. Talking baby stuff. Every time you talk about your baby, I'm like, aw, she's still so new. She is, she's so fresh. Oh, she's got two ears. Yeah, two ears, two little pink hands. 5,000 hairs on her head.

Yeah. That low? A small tail, that'll fall off. Yeah. The belly button's all healed up. Oh, perfect. So she's ready. Indy or Odie? Odie for now. Oh, perfect. Any or Audi? Audi for now.

Oh, okay. Everything's an Audi on this kid. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Everything else shrink back. It'll be fine.

Yeah. Um, and, uh, Oh, the, at the end of this week, or is the voting for the top 50 for that comedy coup thing?

Oh yeah. So you guys got, you got a horse in the race. guys got a horse in the race? I got a horse in the race, but... Oh, people were talking about it. Nature man? Yeah, wilderness man. Wilderness and nature man.

Is it the leaf person? People were raving about it. I'm going to look into it. No, look into it. I'm going to vote it or whatever I'm supposed to do. Yeah, because the voting, it either opens on the 23rd or it closes on the 23rd. I'm going to say opens. I think it

probably closes. Get your votes in. Yeah, get your votes in before the 23rd. You can find you on Twitter for more information about that. Wilderness Man with three A's. Yeah. Because, you know, it would be cool if it became a thing. Oh, it would be so cool. Because then we'd all be

rolling in so much cash. So much children's TV cash. Yeah, it would be so cool. Because then we'd all be rolling in so much cash. You know what I mean? So much children's TV cash. Yeah, exactly. Wilderness man. Mm-hmm. And if you like the show, please do tell your friends. And come on back here next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org

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