Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 349 - Jon Dore

Episode Date: November 25, 2014

Poet Jon Dore joins us to talk Alan Thicke, horse people, and of course, poems.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 349 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's happy that it's finally kind of crisp here in Vancouver. Too cold, it's too cold. Oh no, Mr. Dave Shumka. No, it's great. It's the greatest. Yeah, this is it. This is the weather we prayed for.

And the Lord giveth and he taketh away. Oh no! He taketh away temperatures. Oh yes, yeah, that's right. And our guest here today, a longtime favorite of the podcast, and a gentleman who's just breezing through town, Mr. John Doerr. How are you? I'm great. It's wonderful to be back here. Thank you for coming back. And I'd like to start with the weather as well. You brought it up. I did. And is there anything more beautiful than a nice, crisp Vancouver day?

The sun is shiny. You get to wear your best clothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get to pull out a nice scarf. All your suede. Your suede, yes. Yeah, your corduroys. You bring out a jacket that's not quite winter, but it's definitely not spring.

And it just looks good and falls nicely on you. So, falls nicely on you. And it just feels right. And Vancouver is just so beautiful. Anyway, just so happy to be here. And so happy to see the two of you. This was one of the most exciting parts of the tour. I'm currently on a tour.

Yeah. And it was very exciting to get to vancouver because a it's a great city and b i get to see the two of you and i was very excited that we organized we organized this podcast because it's actually a continuation wait wait wait no we don't have to get right into it i'm just gonna say it's a continuation of something we started earlier on. And now talk about whatever you want, obviously. But I was just going to say that. It just feels like John's sort of hosting the show.

I know, but I like the flow. My default setting is host mode. I was just sitting here listening to it, and I liked it. Not me. It's my default setting, and it sounds arrogant, but trust me, it's not deliberately arrogant. Okay, do you guys want to get to know us? Yes, David, go ahead. All right.

Get to know us. Now, John, carry on. Yeah. This is a day on my wayward son. And maybe it's when you are... Oh, you're going to sing the whole thing? That's not classy. You just do the fun verse and then you can move on.

The fun verse? Just the one line? The fun phrase. The fun phrase. And then you like to sing the whole thing. I don't think people like to hear it. Go ahead. What is that?

Kansas? I have no idea who sings that song. Is that Kansas? I don't know. I'm asking you. I know. And I just said I don't know. Do I know?

Graham, jump in. Do you know who sang? I keep thinking the name Toto, but I know that's not right. Toto. But I'm thinking only because Toto is the dog from Kansas. But all of those bands blend together. That era, I couldn't tell you. Toto is a horse with no name?

No, that's America. Toto did Africa. See, it's very difficult. Yeah, Toto did Africa, right, yeah. But there's so many songs like that. And so many geographic bands and names. Africa, America, Kansas. Chicago.

Chicago. Boston. Chilliwack. Africa. America. Kansas. Chicago. Boston. Chilliwack. Toronto. Yeah, Toronto. Is there a band called Toronto? Yeah. Your daddy don't know what your mama's gonna do tonight.

That was The Knack. Nope. That was Toronto's The Knack. I don't know any of these bands, and I don't know what they sing. And they're in the past. And most of them are dead. So let's move on. Most of them have died in car crashes or plane crashes.

Like Lynyrd Skynyrd. Lynyrd Skynyrd died in a plane crash. All of them? No, not all of them died. But the important ones. Some of them survived. Lynyrd did. Skynyrd died.

Yeah, named after their phys ed teacher. That's the popular folklore. Fun. Fun. So this tour's been fun that you've been on? Yeah, for people listening, I'm part of a tour that involves Todd Glass,

Levi McDougal, and Dimitri Martin. Dimitri Martin headlining the show does 45 minutes Levi Todd Levi Todd and I have the simplest

job of doing 15 minutes and you know as a comedian you're like oh can I even get it all in but

time just goes by so there's no pressure on Levi Todd or I we started in Winnipeg and we moved started just moving west. We did Regina, Kelowna, and Edmonton, Calgary, and we eventually got here to Vancouver,

and it's just been so much fun because there's no work involved. It's the easiest. Now, Todd was saying, I was talking to him last night, and he felt it would be more fun if this tour was on a bus as opposed to flying from city to city do you concur with that well look at there is something frustrating about look i'm so fortunate to be on this tour and to find a complaint is ridiculous but uh there there's something so frustrating about having to go through security every day and like because

we're essentially doing a different city every day so you've got to pack up you having to go through security every day. Because we're essentially doing a different city every day. So you've got to pack up. You've got to go through security. Throw away your liquids that you bought. You bought a new set of liquids in every city. And I only bring one pair of underwear and I wash them every night in the city. Just to reduce the... I like to do

carry-on. And you've got to make sacrifice if you're just going to do carry-on. What do you wash them with? Like a toothbrush? The actual underwear? Yes, a toothbrush'll bring i'll buy a detergent in every town just a little 75 cent detergent you can buy at a corner store like where there's usually a korean lady working there and i say there's no price on these and she says 50 75 cents oh and so oh yeah she she saw you coming. Yeah, I know. She knows what she saw me coming to the door. And then she so, yeah, I'll wash them in the sink with a toothbrush and I'll use a detergent. There's usually not a stain to worry about anyway.

But you do want to freshen up the smell because I find like I do. I find like that. Yeah, I find like the genitals are the epicenter for for rank smell. It really does emanate well from there. That's why when I'm in the shower, I'll take a bar of soap, and I will use my pubis as a great lather inducer, and I will create lather. Like a loofah.

Like a loofah. But then I will generate. That'll be the epicenter of lather. That's where all the soap comes from? Yes, I'll take the bar of soap and I'll rub vigorously around my pubic hair. And that's where I will generate a massive amount of foam that I then distribute all over my body. So that's where it starts. Nature's loofah.

And then I paint away from it. I paint away from it. I use a brush. I use a paintbrush in the shower as well. Do you buy, is that something you carry with you? You buy that at a corner store? Buy it town to town. I go carry on. I bring my underwear. One pair of underwear and that is it.

Two t-shirts, one pair of pants. You land in a new city and you say, which way to the Korean lady's store and which way to an art supply store for this paintbrush? On the way from the airport, that's exactly right. I say, I need to stop at Wallach's and if you know a Korean lady, hook me up.

Has that ever resulted in some sort of misunderstanding? How so? Just, do you know a Korean lady and they just bring you to that? I think in the art store. Okay, alright, go on. So one time I met a Korean lady whose last name was Wallach. She married into it. Oh, yeah.

That could happen. So that got confusing. But yeah. But let's be, I'd like to move on from this topic because, although before we do, let me just say this. It's so nice to have John here when he's like not derailing everything. Dave, I never know if, I always feel like, you know, I love you very much. Like I consider you one of my favorite people. And in return, I'm never quite sure if you are playful with me or if you genuinely hate my guts.

Yeah. I think there might. Look it. Here's a box of soap that I took a a picture of this box of soap this is hotel life i'm on right celebrate dreams yes and i can give this to you to put on your sign if you want i'm not trying to produce the show um i'm strictly i'm strictly a host to be honest you do need some production and i could help if you had me producing this show you this thing would skyrocket we could double your listeners but anyway so the box that the soap came in in the hotel room you know you know just appropriately placed on the

countertop and there's a box of soap you need sometimes you got to look through them you're not sure it's like okay the facial one i use the facial one for my body sometimes you have it for the whole body it's not balanced it's only for the face different skin on your face and on your body how different can the face what if your skin be from the rest of your body it's all weathered skin is different skin right and elbow skin is weird true elbow and testicular is the same skin no yeah yeah yeah what yeah i didn't know there's like there's five skin types right there's elbow and testicular yeah forehead forehead skin yeah that's what just that's just one big strip of...

On Tyra Banks, she has a five head. Graham, are you going to argue with elbow balls over here? I don't think so. As you get older, neck skin becomes elbow ball skin.

Oh, yeah. Elbow ball skin. But anyway, so the box that the soap came in in the hotel bathroom said, celebrate dreams when you need to feel like your heart has wings dream big bar of soap and then i rubbed it on my ball something your heart had

wings then you know that would be a problem that would be a genuine problem because then the doctor be like what did he swallow a bird what happened How did the heart get wings in the first place? Yeah, that'd be very difficult. But yeah, the tour, let me summarize by saying the tour thus far has been so much fun. And I don't think you could find four better people suited for each other's company. It's been lovely. That's been great. That's been great hearing about it.

For me. I don't know, Dave. I love it. What else is new? What else is going on in John Doerr's life? Can I say something to you, Graham? Sure. Last time we did the podcast, I suggested that perhaps your questions are too wide.

You remembered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like perhaps if we narrowed it down to a more specific question it's okay i could answer the question sure but but my preference might be i don't know do a bit of research guys and then we could kind of you know find find an angle and go after it well you know once again i'm not producing your show no no i understand it uh okay here's a question because we talked about this on the show, and we're going to watch this after the show. You were on Alan Thicke's reality show.

I was, quote unquote, reality show. Oh, you have a problem with Mr. Thicke. Well, I have a problem with reality. I don't think I'd go that far. And look at Dave as a journalist. Yeah, Dave did some digging. That's Fox News at its best. Yeah, that was good.

I put reality in quotes, and he said, you hate Alan Thicke? I think Alan Thicke is a lovely human. I really enjoy spending time with him. I think that reality shows, yeah, they're problematic. In that the scenarios they create. Sorry, can I just interrupt you? Yes, go ahead. What else is going on?

Thank you. See, this is how you do an interview, Graham. This is good stuff. Have I talked about my soap that I've been finding in hotel rooms? Yeah, something about a heart with wings. Yeah, so Alan Thicke doing that show, it was kind of fun to do, and it was interesting in year one. So they brought me out to his ranch.

Alan Thicke lives on a ranch in Carpateria. Which is like a cafeteria for carpets. That's exactly what I thought. Carpateria, and it's near Santa Barbara, just south of Santa Barbara. Which was, it was like, Santa Barbara was a soap opera? Yeah, it was a soap opera. In the 80s? Back onto soap, aren't you?

We'll talk about soap more if you want. If that's what we were trying to do. Okay. We're trying to get a soap sponsor on the show. And so we're just trying to make it clear

that we're soap friends. Because most of our listeners are mothers, you know, housewives, midwives. Yeah, midwives. Also dirty people,

like just the filthy. Midhousewives. So just they stay at home, they watch their soaps. We want to be one of their soaps. Yeah. Lazy people is what you're saying? Yeah. The filthy? Mid-house wives. So just they stay at home, they watch their soaps. We want to be one of their soaps. Yeah. Lazy people is what you're saying. Yeah.

So, Alan Thicke lives just south. I'm not going to give his address, but I'll tell you this. Yeah. Give us his latitude and longitude. Very easy to find. No, he lives just south of Santa Barbara, and he and he tapes his show on uh at his house and so it's great it's like a reality show it's real to a certain extent david so you drive up to his house he has a the longest probably about seven football fields laneway the and the speed bumps are

obnoxiously huge like i bottomed out i'm considering suing him to fix my Audi S4. I'm doing well. And so, you drive up to the house and it's this beautiful, beautiful ranch in the middle of this valley and he's got horses. Like, just probably maybe 10 or 12 horses that just kind of want to scamper. Do they scamper?

Yeah, and his wife is a big horse person. Whoa, easy, Grant. I can't believe you just called Alan Fink's wife a big horse person. Whoa. Easy, Brian. I can't believe you just called Alan Fick's wife a big horse person. Oh, my God. Anyone else you want to slander? I mean, it's not slander. Who else's image do you have a problem with?

No, she is a centaur. Yeah. A massive horse person. I just didn't know the word for it. Centaur. That's right. Hey, Alan Fick, I hear you're dating that giant horse lady. Married to her.

I'm sorry. You found a problem with the... Yeah. She holds up a hoof. He proposed. Anyway, she's lovely. Yeah, so she was great. She would come galloping into scenes all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I don't know if this will stop so saddle up let's get ready for this well graham you're the one who said alan thick has a giant horse like yeah yeah it's true so this all comes back to you no matter what's said from now on no matter what yeah okay i understand i take responsibility i instantly start thinking how am i gonna get in shit for something? And so I got to find a scape horse. A scape goat. But yeah. So yes, no, but the giant horse lady also, she takes care of horses.

She takes care of horses. Oh, that's good. Yes. And her own cuts. Yeah, she's giving back to her community. Yeah, why wouldn't you you know like

they're your people yeah exactly anyway yeah yeah you should see all the carrots at craft service it's a whole table

of carrots whole thing of sugar cubes yeah just sugar cubes oh keep me away from craft services yeah oh my god

so there was some peanut butter on her and root of her mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, is the top half of her a horse? Yeah.

She's got tiny little human legs. Oh yeah. She's just like you said, and I'm assuming from you because I don't know, but you said she's a giant horse leg.

Yeah. So I'd say a feminine giant, feminine giant horse. Yeah. Yeah. Majestic. It looks painful when she puts her shoes on because they are

hammering those things on. But that's the part that's human, isn't it? Yeah. What is? Well, her tiny human legs. Oh, I missed a point. Does she have tiny human legs? I missed. I didn't know that was established. The problem with

the way we perceive a centaur, it's Now we're not saying she's a centaur. No, we're not. Okay, go ahead. Sorry.

The problem with the way, Graham said it. Yeah, that's true. With the way we perceive a centaur is a horse body and like a human

torso and head and arms. But it can just be like one horse leg, one human leg, and then like a long mane. But I don't know if that's true.

Like a horse face with human eyes. Yeah. And it's Greek mythology, right? Is centaur Greek mythology? Yeah. I believe it is. Yeah, so no, but in Greek mythology, a centaur would be a horse's body, but then it would be the upper torso. Yeah, but you're talking about mythology.

We're talking about realness. Yeah, this is a reality show. Oh my. This wasn't a mythology show. Now I understand. I am so sorry. Okay. Because I would get confused if you were talking about centaurs,

and then all of a sudden one of them had like a human leg. I'd be confused. But okay. That would be weird. This is our own world, our own version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The world. Over in Carpinteria.

Carpinteria. And it's near there. So anyway, big, beautiful beautiful place and halfway through the shoot this was the best part of doing the show was not shooting the show because we i'd be out in his uh backyard where there's a big pool family pool uh and you know uh easy access for horses to get into yeah you know big steps yeah big steps. Just a ramp, essentially. They're always being led there, but you can't make them drink.

Oh, yeah, that's true. But it's got chlorine in it. See, now David's always the smartest one. That's the problem, because we will have fun. See, I can't tell if you like me or you hate me. You know I adore you. No, but you are,

you always have the smartest comedy. You reduce it to what is funny. The essence of horse-ity. You understand humor. And you apply it. John, thank you. Now, next time I come to Vancouver, which is end of January, you, you're saying you don't want to be a part of the show.

I say Graham, Graham could feature, and then you could host if you wanted to. That's not really my strength. Now, are you saying this because I'm part of it or you just don't want to do it? I haven't been doing stand-up very much in the last, oh, couple years.

Let's get you back on the horse. I didn't even mean that. I am on heroin, though. Yeah, that's true. He is on heroin. You are on what? Heroin.

Horse, we call it. Yeah. Oh, horse. He's a new. You are on what? Heroin. Horse, we call it. Yeah. Oh, horse. He's a new father, so he's taken up a hobby. I would love a new child in your life. Use a little extra income. Your house looks great, by the way. But you could use...

I got this Audi S4 outside. I have an Audi S4. I'm going to do them for my mom. So, never forgets either. That's the problem with Dave. Never forgets. Like's the problem with Dave Never forgets Like an elephant This kid

But it would be lovely If you did choose to At least do a spot Or if you hosted I think it would be so funny If the two of you Co-hosted And talked

And shared a paycheck And then I came out Yeah and shared the paycheck Yeah I'll even throw some more cash in For you guys If you were to do it Because it would be so much more fun

For me If you guys are part of it John We'll get into it some other time. We'll talk after. I feel like I'm being scolded now.

No, no, no. Let's go back. So there I am. The best part You know Alan Thicke from before this? Or no? I did not know

Alan Thicke before this but for some there's a bunch of lies, right? Like people you never know what the truth is because the season one they weren't paying a lot of money for people to Like people, you never know what the truth is because the season one, they weren't paying a lot of money

for people to do the show. You know, they wanted people to kind of do it for free. Right. So there's a lot of Canadians working on the show because somehow this Alan Thicke reality show was developed in Canada. And so they're somehow cheating the system

so that they're able to get Canadian writers at Canadian, you know uh working down in the states for the show because it's actually if you think of a canadian reality show they're always terrible they always look so cheap this one looks amazing oh it does yeah it's like super professional right uh yeah they use cameras lights action blocking okay because yeah there's this giant horse woman guys we gotta be careful we gotta be careful but yeah be careful where we try because i haven't really i haven't seen the episode that i've done but dave is gonna after this podcast yeah i'll give you a rundown of um but let me finish my story yeah yeah you're out in the pool

okay do your rundown i was just gonna say what the plot of the episode is okay of my episode yeah i think i know the plot but go uh alan thick's wife is going out for like a girl's night out uh alan thick's son wants to have a party at the house uh and when the girl's night out is happening you're not alan thick's son in this no okay uh they pick up a straggler at the girls' night out and it's John. I happen to be the straggler. I'm at a bar and they come into a bar

and they see me at the bar. And then you come back to the house with everyone. For whatever reason. Yeah, for whatever reason. And they're done with you and then you sneak into

the guest house. Which is an interesting thing to pick up someone who's apparently part of the party and fun drive them to a ranch in the middle of nowhere and then say you're on your own and pick up like a lone guy who is just at a bar by himself yeah by myself i'm at the bar but you know apparently now i don't know how they how they constructed it but on the day shooting it it was i'm the guy who's got you know i i one of the ladies takes a shine to me and then we i i seem to be the fun guy and then all of a sudden i end up on the rented party bus that

they had for the girls night out yeah so i get back to the house i thought alan thick owned a party bus you know what excuse me maybe he did own the party bus that's not that's not made clear is it fair enough go ahead then uh you go into the the like guest house where the the son is having a party but uh he's been instructed like there's no you know alcohol or uh drugs or anything allowed and how old is the son let's be clear i've been asked to leave the property by the girls i sneak into where they're having a party yeah so i'm not the kids don't even know some girls have asked you to take off yeah they told me it's time for me to leave but how are you gonna get out of there well that's

not answer it's like uber or something i'm gonna get a cab right in this scenario that then i i hear noise so i don't know how they shoot it but yeah you and i forget but you you you ended up in into this uh it's a first person camera from this point yeah it's like the movie doom uh and you're basically uh uh you end up in this you know party, but it's a super boring party because they're not allowed to do any substances. Right. I don't remember what happens after this, except the next morning you wake up in your underwear and you go. So, wait a minute. They don't show me drinking with the kids?

I forget. Maybe you did. Yeah. Because there was a whole scene we shot of me drinking and drinking and drinking. Was that real? On the bus, there were supposed to be pot cookies and drinking. But maybe the network came in and said no drugs. No, I think there was drugs.

Okay. Because Alan Thicke's wife had to promise she would only eat oats and not have any pot cookies. Yes. She had her pot in an oat bag. By the way, Graham brought this up. Alan Thicke's wife is beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Graham called her a horse lady.

What did you say? Shiny coat. Yeah, so, and then the next morning you're hungover. You walk outside In your underwear And you recognize Alan Thicke And you give him

A big hug I do Do I have a conversation With him Yeah Because Sort of like Hey my mom

Would kill me If I didn't give you A big hug But it wasn't Okay that's all they showed I forget Okay But yeah

Yeah okay So yeah How long of an episode Did you think this was Like That's all they showed? I thought it was going to be a two-hour special. No, no, because we have a legitimate conversation at that table,

and I remember it being quite lengthy, so I wasn't sure. Without seeing the final edit, you don't know what they show and what they don't. So, yeah, that's why I asked. But the reality of it is you're not a random guy. Yeah, and you're not playing John Doerr in it. You're playing some other guy.

You're playing John. I'm playing a guy who happened to be at a bar. Yeah, they cast a character who was going to be... The story they created for that episode was Girls' Night Out. Right. And there wasn't even any... Except Stranger. There wasn't even any dialogue amongst the girls, really.

To establish some... any like uh dialogue amongst the girls really like to establish some like normally you know you move move a story along by like the girls having a conversation about oh and oh i'd really like to help you out with this i understand you're having a problem in your life i think it was pretty much just ambient noise of them partying running to me unless because i haven't seen it um but anyway i think the lesson of that episode which i haven't seen yet is supposed to be connor you gotta you gotta be careful you gotta one day you'll be able to party but not yet i don't know something like that i feel like we we were visited by alan yeah that was great let's go make some breakfast for for your mother

that's my best. I can't do a horse. By the way, Graham came up with all this horse talk. Alan Thicke's wife is a beautiful, lovely lady. Yeah, absolutely. Look, horses are beautiful animals. Lovely. Majestic.

They are. They are majestic. Now, John, the last time you were on the podcast, it was a live episode. Yeah. And you had mentioned to us leading up to the podcast that you had found. Do you want to set this up? Yeah. Do you have some momentum for this?

Well, you keep going. If you make a falsehood, perhaps I'll correct you. Or maybe I might have to add some information. That you had stumbled across a book from your youth. Yes. That you had written in. Yes. A notebook.

Yes. You had written in a notebook yeah uh you had written poetry yes and you had meant to bring it yes uh to the live podcast but then somehow the book i forgot no i for yeah i forgot it it was on the coffee table when i got home right there with everything else i want okay bring. Okay, because at the live podcast, there was like... You forgot to bring your underwear? Don't even get me started. Yes. Yes.

But there was some accusations of maybe some skullduggery or whatever. I thought it would have been fun because it was a live podcast and we were promoting it and we were going to have people come out to it. I thought, what could I do that could be really great? promoting it and we were going to have people come out to it, I thought, what could I do that could be really great? And that I knew Dave, number one, would love to sink his teeth into every horrible aspect of this. Because it's very revealing. I'm not often truthfully revealing about myself.

And I thought this could be, not that I'm always lying, but I thought it would be fun to present to you guys, you know, something from my past. And so when I was home in Ottawa visiting family, this book has been on my mind for a long time because I never wanted it to get out because I remember writing some things in it. It's got journal entries and stuff.

So I finally discovered it. I found it and I thought, well, I'll bring it to the podcast. I felt terrible that I couldn't. So anyway, that's how we organized today um and i was going to read yeah we were like oh should we get levi or todd on the show and john was like no you get me no you tell the you tell the listeners that is a fucking lie right now because i even said should we bring levi or todd i know and when levi talked to you he told me and and he said, no, we're good. We've got John.

No, we just have the three microphones. Well, we could have done this any time. So anyway, I thought it would have been fun to read, but I'm genuinely embarrassed by this. Because let me set this up by saying you know when i was right writing quote unquote poetry i thought i was going to i thought there was a good chance maybe i could be like a lead singer of a band maybe this music maybe maybe these the this poetry could be uh could be lyrics for a song and i know nothing 16 or 17 at this point? Probably 17. Okay. Going up to as high as about 19-ish, possibly. All right.

But anyway, so I was so embarrassed of this work, and I thought, oh, what a great thing to present to Dave and Graham. So, yeah, I don't know how much there is to say other than here's what I'm willing to do. Because you have your terms yeah i do have my terms because i'm not gonna oh can i see the book first of all i'm not gonna hand it to dave and notice i don't say graham because i feel like graham would be like hey man i get it don't worry about it i'm not gonna whereas i feel like even though i know

you're gonna enjoy this i feel like dave's the kind of guy who would go hide in another room and then just hear him laugh for an hour. No, he would do it here in the same room. John, when did you start doing stand-up? How old were you? 23. Really? Okay. I think so.

Because I, what you're doing is very brave. Because I also, like, I played music was i tried to write songs and they were all bad they were all bad yeah and then everything else i tried to write like you know serious like i'm a serious dude like yeah as a as an 18 19 year old yeah uh you know you see pictures of black and white pictures of people and you're like yeah yeah yeah you're like yeah that's what things are but then when you realize oh i'm just gonna write funny things i'm just gonna write dumb stuff right that way uh everyone can enjoy it and i don't have to think i'm cool yes um so yeah no i i don't have any uh around but i'm certain i have stuff as bad as this and don't

get me wrong we're making i'm making this into a bigger deal than it really is i think you know like everyone's got this we all went through that period but this was me like taking myself way too seriously like i don't even really think i genuinely felt as head like i don't think i felt the world was as heavy as i wrote about it right right so uh when you imagine yourself as a lead singer are you good i like growing up i just assumed i could sing yeah oh yeah because like you no one you know you're not told anyone's a bad singer growing up i was listening to the sesame street theme song the other day. I'm like, these kids are terrible singers. I was told by both of my brothers I was a terrible singer.

Really? Right. Yeah, constantly. But any time I tried to sing, they'd be like... But when your brothers tell you that, I mean, that could be... That's either like honesty or it could be jealousy. Oh, yeah. Like my voice was so good that they were like, no, you can't sing.

Why don't we try... Why don't you hum a little? I cannot sing. Are you a good singer? No. I mean, I'm not bad, but here's my problem is, I mean, key changes. I'm all over the place. It's difficult for me to stay in key.

If I can find a song, like a simple song, like, He Stopped Loving Her Today, George Jones. Okay? I bring that up for a reason because I had to sing it recently for a great show, by the way, that goes on in L.A. called The Goddamn Comedy Jam, and it's great. They get comedians to do five minutes of their material. Then they sing a song with a live band behind you

and an unbelievably talented live band. Really fun show. Do you get to pick the song? Yeah, you get to pick the song. You get to pick the band? The band is phenomenal. They are local musicians. I would pick ZZ Top.

Yeah, that would be great. But yeah, the band's incredible. And it's just a beautiful, fun, like inspirational night, really. Because at the end of it, Jim Jeffries closes the show by doing Sergeant Pepper. Oh, wow. Sergeant Pepper, Lone Hair,

and a little help from my friends. It was just a beautiful night. And why did you pick George Jones? Because it's one of those, because I wanted to do a ballad because everyone else was doing really upbeat, fun things and I thought a little bit of variety could be fun. And I also did really want to try and bring

the room down. I thought it'd be fun. Like bring it down emotionally. It's a song about a guy killing himself because he can't live without a woman. Okay. I mean, we've all been there. Yeah, absolutely. So anyway, I... Dave, you know what happens when you play a country song backwards?

Specifically that one? What? A guy comes back to life because he can live with a woman. Oh. That's pretty good. This is why Dave is the comedy... He's the man. specifically that one what a guy comes back to life because he can live with a woman oh that's pretty good this is why Dave is the comedy he's the man

he's the comedy crossbeam of the house yeah you pull it out you still have a house well not for long yeah you just put another crossbeam in

I'll do the show with you so anyway I thought it would be fun because you know most people will like laugh at a joke and not just like talk for 30 seconds about how funny the guy is. I feel like that's condescending. I thought it would be fun to share with you guys. Yeah, a little bit of who I was.

But also thoughts that I never thought would get out unless I let them get out. And so here's that moment. But as you can see, if you, I don't know if you want to describe the cover of the book. Can I hold it? No, you can't touch it. I'm so sorry, Dave. I wish I could. It's a coil notebook, 300 pages.

300 pages. What is it? What brand is it? And trust me, I think about 180 pages are ripped out. It's a Fanko? It's a Fanko, which I've never heard of. It's a five-subject notebook, a never heard of me either it's a five subject notebook a calle a thank sujet yeah now look at oh and it's got little little notes in here which

uh i don't think i'll read to you these are all potential like these what you're seeing as i open this book are you you're seeing little notes and and ideas i see the word tooth enamel written on yeah yeah second from the top there okay i'll read a couple of these phrases for some reason i've written vernal equinox tooth enamel audible vibration at tiny stalactite oh maybe i was using this at some point for yeah some kind of geology or dental course. It's a combination. It's a combination

of television broadcasting, dentistry, and geography. I've also written voluptuous indulgence over Yahweh's rigid... I can't read that last word. Yahweh's rigid. can't read that last word well i'm river yahweh's rigid you yeah okay so anyway so here's what i thought i would do and what where were you at this time

you're you're uh this would have been i mean either last year of high school okay this would be last year of high school and maybe a year out of high school year of dental school yeah first year dental school no no because i probably could have kept this book lying around and then maybe use it years later but i mean i've dated things so i know when it is but um so this book where are you emotional what do you mean during this time are you okay well i don't want to give too much away because here's what i want i want nothing but pream. I want us to just talk about it and never hear it. That's fine with me, too. No, no.

I want to hear it. Because here's the thing... Tooth and Amble just whet my appetite. I want to know why that was written down. I could... I mean, because a lot of this, too, is... It depends. Because if I talk too much about where I was, it might give away some of what's in there.

Yeah, okay. Because my grandfather had died. Yeah, you told us us yes so so that poem is in here as well so this is what i thought i'd do on a previous podcast i mentioned the title of one of the poems which was i wish i was a meadow i wish i was a meadow so what i thought i'd do today is definitely give you a reading of i wish i was a meadow yes please and then this is as far as i'm willing to go okay i will give you a reading of I Wish I Was a Man. Oh, yes, please. And then, this is as far as I'm willing to go. Okay. I will give you the title of other poems, and I will let you select one more. Oh, man.

Now, is that fair? That's fair. I think that's fair. Okay. You can maybe give us a little bit of input. When you read us the titles, you can be like, don't pick this one. There's a better one. Well, yeah, okay.

I mean, yeah, all right. Maybe you've classified them in your mind. Let's just walk through here. And tell me if this is boring and interject anytime. These are me writing. You have very nice handwriting. This is me writing notes. These are journal entries.

So maybe I'll start with a journal entry. How's that? A journal equinox. Saturday afternoon at coffee and company. A familiar scene. Waiting for Paul. Sipping on coffee with my favorite painting directly in front of me. The Mona Lisa.

It's day one of my journal entries. Gonna have a smoke. That's the end of that. Do you remember what the painting is? I don't know what the painting is. I know where it is, though. It says coffee and company, so I know I can almost picture it, but I can't remember. Did Paul ever show up?

Who knows? Do you keep in touch with Paul? I probably would, but I probably went out. I would, but I just haven't. Paul Spadaccini, this is where we're really going to get into me. Yeah. Paul Spadaccini raced mountain bikes and kind of took off and did his own thing. Lovely man.

Lived in Ottawa. He had almost a stereotypical Italian mother. Right. Born in Italy. Born in Italy. Yeah. You only see her upstairs in Italian mother. Right. Born in Italy. You only see her upstairs in the kitchen. Right. Downstairs is the cold room where you've got all the things. And whenever I went into his house,

you would only ever see his dad's legs lying in bed. His dad was bedridden. And so I would always go over, and I'd walk in the door, there's Paul's dad's legs at the end of the hallway. And then you'd hear Paul's mom yelling at Paul in Italian. All very stereotypical stuff. But would you talk to Paul's, like, would he say, hey, John? Or his dad?

Yeah, his dad, yeah. Oh, no. No, he didn't know. I never heard a word from Paul's dad. I don't think that. Paul's dad spoke English, and Paul's dad would just sit in that, but you'd only see his legs. That speaks to me.

Does it? Yeah. Yeah. There was this guy who used to come into the bar. I used to go. His name was Norm. And he would talk about his wife, Vera. You never saw her face.

It's just sometimes you see her legs walk by. Did you ever see her legs? One time. Is this a Cheers reference and I'm missing it? Yep. No, you caught it. No, you caught it. Yeah, but I wasn't.

Yeah. Okay. And then my brother, he was married to this woman named maris you never saw her you just saw her legs true story about paul's dad you only saw his leg honestly you saw his legs in bed that was it so and i never i'd always ask paul and he just he'd deflect immediately like so your dad he's like don't even worry about it so it was a sad story of some sort. And I remember once being at Paul's house where I had bought my first,

here's how I used my grandfather's inheritance when he died. I thought, you know what? Grandpa would want me to buy an ounce of hash and then sell that and start a business. Wait, wait, was your grandfather a drug dealer? No. Oh, okay.

My grandfather had very little money. He was so sweet. He was, like, my mom's grandfather had very little money. Right. So, he gave my sister and I $2,000 of inheritance. This is money. He barely had a cent to his name. So, I was so fortunate to have this.

So, you thought, I'm going to buy. I'm in high school at the time, and I thought, I met a guy named Tony behind the Canadian Tire on Walkley Road in Ottawa, Ontario. And I was buying an ounce or a little over an ounce for $14 a gram, and it was selling for $20 a gram. And in my head, I'm making a $6 profit per gram and then the next one I buy and I mean eventually I'm going to be

Scarface. I'm slowly going to build it up. Oh, so you weren't going to use the money to start an honest business. You were going to be a drug dealer. No, I was going to continue to sell drugs. And this is totally out of my character for me. How many grams in an ounce? 28 I believe.

Okay. Yeah, you stand to clean up on this deal. So anyway, I needed a scale. So I had to go to my friend Paul's house who had a scale because he was a dealer. Everyone was dealing drugs, so I don't know why I got into the business. It's not like they needed another dealer. And to me, dealing hash was like, thought all this can be so easy so at the paul's house and of course we get high before we start weighing it and a piece drops hits the

carpet rolls under the under the under his dad's legs don't go in there and with his dad's like you just lift those legs up and you yeah no we cut his dad's legs off and then no no we're downstairs in his basement and a piece of hash bounces rolls under and we are high we are i mean we're out of our minds high and so this piece of hash rolls under the couch and what we... So idiot me. Were you getting high on your own supply? I was. Oh no. Trust me, part of it was hey Paul, I'm going to give you a gram. Here's where everything starts to fall apart and why I'm a bad businessman.

Paul, you're getting a gram for loaning me the scale. And guess what? We're going to smoke a gram while we're counting... You're getting a gram and a half. I'm losing $12. I'm actually losing more than that, but and a half. I'm losing $12. I'm actually losing more than that, but I'm losing a potential profit of $12.

So anyway, a piece falls, hits the ground, rolls under the couch. So without thinking, high as a kite, I go under the couch with a lighter because I can't see. I light the lighter. I still don't think anything's wrong. I'm like, is everything perfectly normal? I just light the lighter so I can see.

Instantly, this very old couch has that webbing underneath it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It starts. Like a spider web. And Paul, as soon as it happened, goes, what are you doing? We flip the couch up just in time to see the entire thing disappear. It's like.

Just the webbing. The webbing. The couch. It's like the leftovers it was the leftovers couches started going missing all over ottawa no but this webbing just disappeared gone and so both of us are like oh my god thank god paul's furious with me but anyway that's how that started um i don't know why i brought it up there's a point though oh yeah no that was an offshoot of who I was going to meet So yeah

Anyway Next entry We'll just skip This is great These are a bunch of entries That I'm just going to skip by You can say stop anytime You do have really great

Handwriting Thank you very much That's nice of you to say that They don't teach cursive Like that anymore I don't know what they teach They never taught it like this This is my own invention

So if you want Me to stop anywhere Or if you just want me To go straight to the poems They don't teach cursive like that anymore. I don't know what they teach. They never taught it like this. This is my own invention. So if you want me to stop anywhere, or if you just want me to go straight to the poems. I'm dying to hear I Wish It Was a Meadow. That's very exciting. I wrote a letter to a girlfriend I had when I was working in, and it looks like I never sent it, obviously. But I was working. Hey, come over and read my notebook.

I wrote you a letter. Here's what I meant to send you a month ago um but i don't know if i should read this or not i don't know what's please do i think it's boring it says laurie here are your instructions upon arrival at calgary airport i was working in bam when i wrote this so i would have been this is out of high school this one follow the blue signs with the white trim that read baggage proceed i was dating an idiot don't get trapped in the airport look for fresh air. Never. If you're feeling lightheaded, it may be because you're not breathing. Follow the blue signs with the white trim that read baggage.

Proceed. And by the way, the reason I'm doing all this, because I remember, I thought, I'm going to be a writer. Like, I felt like I wanted to be overly descriptive. Yeah. Signs with the white trim that read baggage. Proceed down the flights of escalators still following the signs and the rotating baggage. Maybe I'm trying to be funny here. And the rotating baggage carousel is to your left. Each carousel is unique.

Oh, my God. Each carousel is unique in that they own a decorative theme describing some of Alberta's attractions. They still have those. Yeah, they do. Take notice of the dinosaur park carousel to your immediate left.

Position yourself behind the T-Rex located at the far end. The baggage comes out of his butt. And then it says, we'll talk afterwards. You only gave her directions up till baggage. I told her to go to a dinosaur and we'll talk afterwards.

It's like my girlfriend was like someone I had information about. I'm trying to think of the zero effect. Oh, yeah. You're trying to set her up. Yeah, yeah. Meet me here. It says, Calgary is beautiful.

I won't have time to visit the city, but its scenery from the airport is breathtaking. I don't know if you've flown in or out of Calgary. The airport is huge, beautifully decorated and friendly. Let's just move on. That's a boring one. This was pre 9-11. Yeah, that's true. Maybe this girl had never flown before. Yeah. We're just giving her the Calgary breathtaking from the airport. Vancouver airport. Oh, here we go. What was it like back in the day? August 28th, 6.m vancouver airport well it has been quite some time since i have spent time with my journal forget it let's just move on

um it really captures vancouver okay now we're into the poems there's a lot of journal entries but we can move past those those are probably more more interesting. Now, there's a poem. Do you want me to start with, and jump in any time and stop me from talking, but do you want me to just start with I Wish I Was a Meadow? Yes. Yes, please. Do you have any music to play under it, or do you want to just leave it the way it is? Maybe if you have something reflective and soft. I have a guitar.

Oh, even better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, we could record a song. We could be the band. Yeah, always. We could be the band you always wanted to be. Yeah, this, yeah. Play a guitar. Dude, we could record a song. We could be the band. Yeah, always. We could be the band you always wanted to be. Yeah, this could be happening. We could gram on some drums, and then you put...

We could do this. I more just kind of want to manage you guys. Okay, you'll be managing. Yeah. While we're playing, you manage us. So, yeah, just... I wish there was a matter. Maybe just pick or strum whatever you want. Um, so... I wish I was a matter. Just a bit.

Maybe just pick or... Yeah, pick or strum whatever you want. Like, just like a little... Just soft. That's beautiful. That's going to work fine. I hope I can make it through this without laughing. I hope you guys can. I know I can't.

All right, here we go. You ready? I was probably about 18 years old when I wrote this, here we go. You ready? I was probably about 18 years old when I wrote this. Here we go. I Wish I Was a Meadow by John Doerr. I wish I was a cobbler and owned the strength.

Are you joking around with the guitar? David! Are you going to make this real, or are you going to be a jerk-off? You have to do this properly. Deal. I Wish I Was a Meadow by John Doerr. I Wish I Was a Cobbler. Oh, Dave. I'm done.

Dave, you just... I want to hear this poem. You've just ruined it. You've just... You've absolutely ruined it. Oh, Dave. It's now over. We could have had fun with it,

and then David decided to make it all about him. Okay. No, there's no more. Okay, it's done. His dream's broke. I'm not joking. I fixed them. I'm not doing it.

Dave, come on. So what else is going on with you guys? Come on. John. Talk to me. John. We only got to the cobbler part, which you already told us in the live podcast.

What would you do in this scenario? You're the manager. You're the manager. One more go. Bring us together. You're the manager. One more go. Bring us together. Do one more go. One more chance. One more chance.

How are you going to? Dave, you play the song for real. I will. I know what's going to happen. No, you don't. It's going to get to the same point. He's going to do it again. I get it.

I do this to people. I know. John, please. Dave, please give me one more chance are you happy with what i was playing i think it's perfect if you would just commit to it here we go because we could have a nice little thing recorded absolutely and this time and i know this is what an asshole would say Yeah, yeah, yeah This time There's nothing you can say, I'll just do it Okay But just know, and I'm not joking It is over

I think I'm fine For some reason I have the lyrics to Hey, hey, what can I do by Led Zeppelin in here Just written out like yeah in case i wanted to sing along yeah what else do i have in here okay here we go i got it if i look just just just pick one find a chord and then pick through it why not do that yeah just stay there just Just those two chords, back and forth. Real nice. Real nice, guys.

Look, I know what's going to happen. I wish I was a meadow by John Doerr. I wish I was a cobbler and owned the strength to mend. These thoughts designed for patching are all that I consent.

To cushion nights of endless ponder. To dry a dripping cheek. From this this town's too small for blinking. It commands my blistered feet. I wish I was a meadow.

I'd lie beneath the beams Near a creek designed for housing All your thriving flowing dreams As it migrates through the mountains As the pounding rapids grow A meadow lies impatiently For the binding splash below How gracefully it falls

How peacefully it rests blinding splash below. How gracefully it falls, how peacefully it rests, as those times you fell beside me, bestowing me your breasts. We almost had a good reading, but I laughed partway through. No, you were laughing. I know, but I couldn't help laughing. I feel like you wanted me to screw up again.

No, no. I was very thankful that you actually gave it the respect it deserved. I like that it ended with bestowing me your breasts. Bestowing me your breasts. It means nothing. It's all to get to that point. Also, you can imagine my head thinking, a woman lying down beside me, bestowing me her breasts.

What the fuck am I thinking? imagine my head thinking a woman lying down beside me yeah stowing me her breath what the fuck am i thinking what is a woman drooping her breasts onto a meadow no the meadow is a metaphor the the uh um it's a meadow wait no no no but there were pounding rapids that were that were splashing down below and that's the metaphor for her lying beside me, bestowing me her breath. Oh, okay. Sorry, I got lost. Well, you were playing music.

The first thing you laughed at was something about a leaking cheek. No. No, you laughed. To dry. Yeah, I laughed. I did laugh too. It was, the line was to dry a dripping cheek. Yeah, that's what it was, dripping cheek.

But it doesn't make any sense. I wish it was a cobbler and on the strength command. Okay, fair enough. That's fine. I wish it was a cobbler and so I could mend things. Yeah. These thoughts designed for patching are all that I can send. So I have thoughts that I can send you,

but that's all I can send to try and help you. I can send you my thoughts. I can send you my thoughts. That's all I can do. I got these shoes I need to work on you can have my thoughts though this guy needs some taps by 4 o'clock and these things that I'm sending

I'm doing because I want to cushion nights of endless ponder so I guess she's endlessly pondering yeah in bare feet I need it and then I to cushion nights of endless ponder to dry dripping cheek this town's too small for blinking so that's about me bare feet. I need it. And then I, uh, to cushion, I send this mother to dry, dripping cheek. This town's too small for blinking.

So that's, that, that, that, that's about me. But how hilarious is that? Like, what does that mean? This town?

I guess it's like, Oh, it's not phrased properly. It's like, yeah, it sounds like the town itself is blank. Yeah. It's almost like,

you know, small towns gossip a lot. Like if you start blinking, people are like, you hear the new guy blink. Yeah, because it sounds like the town itself is blinking. Yeah, it's almost like, you know, small towns gossip a lot. Like, if you start blinking, people are like, you hear that new guy, he blinks. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that guy with the blinking problem. Hey, old Blinky over there came into town, started to look suspicious. I got to tell you, John, I mean, we could, you know, go through every line and make fun of it. It's not that bad.

Yeah, it wasn't that bad. Like, it really was, except for the landing line at the end. The fact that, but you have to remember, I was taking myself very seriously. Like, remember when I put this pen down for writing this, it wasn't like, it was like, okay, I need some work. I put a pen down and I went, I think I might. I think I might be a genius. Yeah, I may have cracked poetry wide open. Yeah, Beautiful Stranger.

You got nothing on me, my friend. Beautiful Stranger, the Madonna song? No, isn't it? Oh, no. What's the Cohen book of poetry? Isn't it Beautiful Stranger? Oh, Beautiful Losers. Beautiful Losers.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Okay, so anyway, there's poem one. Beautiful Stranger. My Uncle Louie wrote a poem, and I have that in here. I took a... Oh, go ahead. No, go ahead. Was your Uncle Louie a poet?

He wrote poetry from time to time. His is titled, If Wishes Were Horses, Then Beggars Would Ride. That's nice. Oh. Yeah. What... I took a poetry class in i took like a creative writing class yes one one thing on short stories one unit on um uh drama yeah one on uh poetry and this was

in university and the one thing i remember like the way to make a good poem is to not use adjectives. Oh. It was like good and like beautiful and none of these words don't mean anything. It's all got to be verbs and nouns. Okay. Yeah. And did you see that as beneficial? Was it, did it make sense? I guess so.

But then like he would show good poems. I'm like, who cares? Who reads poems? Yes. Good point. Teenagers. I do. Yeah. I do. Yeah.

I do to you guys. Do you want to read one more? Do you want to go through the titles and we can pick one? Were you a fan of poets? Yeah, you can pick one. I wasn't even a fan of poetry. No. No, not at all.

I honestly thought like, you know, if you're honest with yourself, which I was not being, I was just trying to be somewhat clever. I thought this could be put to music maybe, you know? But that was it. That was it. That was it. You wanted to be a lyricist more than a... No, a little drawing there of BAMF. Oh, yeah.

And then at the end, there's... Is that blood? Kind of? Like, what's happening at the end of the... No, you know what all that is? I used to love drawing those little drops that looked like there was... You could see the light reflecting. Yeah.

Yeah, that was it. Okay, so yeah, let me just whip through this and then we'll be done with it. Okay, so now here are your options. There's a poem called Her. That one's really long. Now, there's an untitled poem.

And you're gonna let us choose based on the titles. I know, but we'll just know that. I'll give you the first line of it. Evergreen hills on a stormy gray backdrop. Next. Yeah, I agree. That sounds like your favorite painting from the coffee house.

There's one called The Large Wide Lens. Okay. Mm-hmm. That's the front runner for me so far. There's one called I'll soon walk alone now there's one called okay and I'm just going to be honest with you guys

because I know what's best here there's one called tomorrow yeah I highly suggest and this is not helpful to me this is a John Doerre recommends tomorrow's good okay um this one's called nonsense that sounds tempting i like john's picks though and then 84 candles is another one that's one about my grandfather yeah yeah yeah he gave me

this hash money i'll just no that was a different I wanted cash money He gave me hash money It's not bad Yeah Now I'll I'll be honest with you guys The one you really want Is tomorrow

But I do leave it up to you You can choose Tomorrow Tomorrow None of the None of the other titles Are so ridiculous We have to pick

Yeah This one is This is brutal This is brutal Okay Do you need music for it as well i think music helps is it the same tone i think so okay it doesn't hurt i think if you do the same thing it's just yeah i'm gonna switch it up i know two different chords yeah they went to a

music class tomorrow by john doerr let me do it again Tomorrow by John Doerr. Let me do it again. Tomorrow a poem by John Doerr. When I'm down I cry. No one knows cause I hide.

My feelings my own. own never seen never shown left sad left hurt completely destroyed return a new man refreshed by new hope. Tomorrow we'll meet. Tomorrow we'll meet. Misery floats in the air patiently. Waiting to strike when it most bothers me. They say misery's company when all alone. To measure my happiness when it's all gone. Tomorrow we'll meet.

Tomorrow we'll meet. Tomorrow's today. My misery's hatred. I'll cherish my happiness. Those moments seem sacred. Like a warm, humid sunset etched into night skies.

Will my body reach peace while I'm still alive? The end. Ah! It was I liked it. It had a nice flow. I liked liked it and then there was just one line

where did you lose your mind because i looked over at you and you went mental it was misery's hatred or something like misery all of a sudden hated a thing oh yeah it's all over yeah like misery was the one that i got to me was the misery's company when you're all alone but it's misery loves company i know regardless it makes no sense also you rhymed alone with gone with gone i wrote yeah i wrote alone but i also i also completely i i there i i also tried i did this wasn't even an attempt to rhyme but i wrote left sad left hurt completely destroyed i love completely destroyed completely completely like nothing left just decimated yeah but it says it says left sad left hurt completely destroyed return a new man refreshed by new hope

where everything else you're watching star wars at the time a new hope but, when I'm down, I cry. No one knows because I hide. My feelings, my own. Never seen, never shown. That's tomorrow, guys. That's relatable. That's tomorrow. And you're being far too kind.

But that was a recording of tomorrow and a recording of I Wish I Was a Meadow. Both available on iTunes. Yeah. Yeah. a meadow both available on itunes yeah yeah uh managed by day uh managed by graham and uh and uh a guitar accompaniment by dave and written by john door that's great yeah um now this has been this has been like the best yeah this is just the greatest i kind of want to re-record a meadow because we did some laughing, but if we can do these genuinely. Uh-huh.

If you can do this straight ahead. Maybe afterwards. Yeah, maybe afterwards, and we'll put them up on iTunes. And just see how many people shit on them. But we have to do them as genuinely as possible and just see how many people. Have a cover shot of you in like sepia maybe out in a meadow

that's easy to do these days bookshop you into a meadow I wish I was a meadow, no but I'm holding a shoe and yeah you're cuddling and there's a topless woman behind you but I feel like the thing of the journal entry where you're in a coffee shop

because you're 18 smoking a cigarette. Yeah. That was, I related to that. Well, you told in the last podcast, you were talking about a book and I feel so bad that you burned them. You had all of this. Yeah, I burned a bunch of them. Thoughts and poetry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you threw them in a fire. Yeah, because I was afraid of someday somebody finding them. Is that really what it was? Yes. Or was it more ceremonially like I'm a new man now

I'm throwing this away. No, it was like I was like, I really said some weird stuff here. You gotta get rid of this. That's the kind of stuff I wish you had. I know.

I probably, I bet you there's at least one. Right. Because I took a poetry class in grade 12. So there must, that must still exist somewhere. Yeah, but you had, okay, but at least you had guidance and someone telling you what poetry was. Like there might be some genuinely interesting stuff in there. But I bet you most of it's like.

But no, I think I took a class as well. Like I was saying, I think I, like every bit of advice he had, I was like, fuck this. I'm an artist. I know, I know what class as well. Like, like I was saying, I think I like every bit of advice he had. I was like, fuck this. I'm an artist. I know, I know what I'm doing. Rebel poetry.

Guy who's never read a poem or enjoyed a poem. But what do you, do you have anything lying around? Like any, like, doesn't that be a poem, but like writing or correspondence or. Yeah.

Oh, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Cause that would make for a great, I don't know, a great podcast. You know,

another time too is to. Another time. Yeah. Yeah. Because I would be willing willing if you guys are but it would have to be like an equal participation i'm gonna go each bring bring out like our our darkest yeah we can maybe have a look before you're here next yeah because i'll go home uh for christmas and i'll like okay yeah look at my parents house and see if i can find it i'm gonna go to your house for christmas too this are you yeah you're gonna join the clarks yeah yeah it's a clark and door christmas miracle yeah well they invited me over they said they're we're not sure if graham can even make it but they asked if i would like to go what do you what is your favorite uh side for uh turkey dinner can i tell you right now what's the great my My mother. Okay. My dad's mother made it. It's a broccoli, cauliflower, and cheese casserole.

And it's made with a can of mushroom soup mix kind of stuff. Right. Oh, it's good. What's your favorite side? What do you guys go for? Corn. Corn? Just niblets off the cob?

I just like your stuffing. Yeah. I like your mashed Yeah I like your Great Gravies Mashed potatoes Yep Mashed potato gravy And then whatever else

They'll have like Brussels sprouts Brussels sprouts are great Turnip Like whatever Whatever's the whitest I just want my plate To be just white food

With brown gravy on it Brussels sprouts They're a A lot of people That's a What's the word I'm looking for It's a

Deal breaker They hate They either Yeah they hate it Or love it I love them Yeah me too I never liked them Until about five or six years people, that's a, what's the word I'm looking for? It's a deal breaker. They hate them. They either hate it or love it. I love them. Yeah, me too. I never liked them until about five or six years ago. Depends how they're cooked too. Actually, I don't mind them grilled and a little hard, but I like them nice and soft too.

Like you're eating a soft cabbage. Like a mini cabbage. Yes, I do like that feeling as well. I always like feeling bigger than I am. Mini corns, mini cabbages. Shredded wheat makes you feel like eating a pate au lait. Why don't the three of us have, and we'll start it, let's have an annual Christmas in July

where we have a nice big turkey dinner in July. Yeah. Sure. Dave, at your house. Yeah, I will gladly host it. Can you fly up every July? I would love to. You guys don't understand how much I enjoy spending time with you,

even though it's always with earphones and microphones. I love it. I think we could genuinely come up with something very, very creative together. Yeah. I want this. A very creative meal. Yeah, I want this. Beyond the meal, I'm talking the meals just like that's the reason to get together.

And then before you know it, we create something something grand something wonderful something delicious and that's probably how we leave things today guys i want to thank you for listening it's been great um now graham you and i we can skip our guests you know yeah let's move on to overhears yeah stop podcasting yourself is supported by eli mason making handcrafted cocktail mixers in Nashville, Tennessee Oh, home of the TV series Nashville Yeah, all my exes live in Texas That's why I live in Nashville, Tennessee Oh, is that the next line in that song?

Yep, no one knows it In Nashville, Tennessee They know a few things about whiskey And so Eli Mason has been making these handcrafted cocktail mixers in small batches. They're from the best ingredients and totally vegan. Totally vegan. That's awesome. You can pick up one of their cocktail mixers to make the perfect old-fashioned or mint julep. They've got

grenadine made from fresh pomegranate juice and cane sugar. When I buy grenadine at the grocery store, it's in like a liter tub and it's all high fructose corn syrup, I assume. I can never make it through it. How many Shirley Temples do I need?

I just need a small bottle made of real pomegranate juice. Yeah, and then you've got that huge jug of maraschino cherries to get through. Oh boy, I have no problem with those. Now ladies, you know your man already has a subscription to Flex Magazine. Time to up your gift giving game

this holiday season. So you can go to thecraftybartender.com in Canada, which offers discounts on Eli Mason products through 2014. Now, let me tell you how much I love this. It's rare. We have a sponsor that has that will tell you where to get the product in Canada. Yeah.

These are fans of the show. Yeah. But also in the US, you can go to Eli Mason.com and use the code SPY10, SPY10, for 10% off your entire order. Eli Mason Spirit Forward Cocktail Mixers, Grandpappy approved. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. Every Tuesday, we bring you Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, a show about all the dumb, weird, terrible ways that we've tried to fix each other over the years.

You know, some light summer listening. Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas or why we tried to eat mummies for a while or why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea. That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday right here on the Maximum Fun Network with Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Destination DIY. It's a show about people taking matters into their own hands. And we're really excited to be bringing it to Maximum Fun. You know know having that experience of i can do that makes me feel like i can almost do anything here at destination diy

we like to push the do-it-yourself envelope beyond crafts and home improvement so tune in to hear the stories of makers builders inventors and all kinds of creative people you can essentially build a do-it-yourself space program today, and now, luckily, I'm a part of that. Check out Destination DIY at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Overheard! Overheard's a segment in which you, the people, and us, the podcasters,

go out in the world and listen to what people have to say and then report it back here. We always like to start with the guest. Yes, and I unfortunately, I put too much emphasis into the book of poetry. So, I'm trying to think, let me. You know what? Come back. Yeah, good. Yeah.

Dave. Smart, Dave. Hit it. I don't have an overheard per se, so much as an overseen. Now, this was, you know when you're watching TV. Why do I? And the news is on, and they've got a little scroll on the bottom of the headlines. Yeah.

And I was watching the Global Morning News the other day, and this headline I saw didn't seem like it was newsworthy. Yeah. I think I have seem like it was newsworthy. Yeah. I think I have one of these. Go ahead. The headline was, Brad Pitt talks about admiration for South Korean culture and food at press conference in South Korea. I mean, that's where you're going to discuss it. That was under their entertainment news.

One of the top stories of the day. What the hell is he doing in South Korea? How does it work? I mean, if you're in charge of... Do you like the food here? Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's delicious. Oh, what a scoop.

And if you're in charge of... I mean, if you're running that banner, if you're running that ticker, I mean, you're just putting everything in. Is there an editor who goes, yes, no, yes yes no yes no yes no like i i assume it's like an assembly line and someone's got to be looking as they're going by before they go to air just like no it's coming out there's something something more interesting

happened or or just guys really do we really need is this really you know because what would have been what you went to school for what followed the br Brad Pitt one, though? I'd be curious to know. What was next? It was traffic. Oh, I thought it was going to be like the Brad Pitt thing. Yeah, Brad Pitt holds up traffic. ISIS beheads, you know, it's like, well. ISIS beheads Brad Pitt. I saw a ticker the other day, and it was baby elephant escapes an attack of 14 tigers.

Oh, that's cool. It's cool. How is it news? But at the. Oh, that's cool. It's cool. How is it news? But at the same time, it's wilderness news. Yeah. I just thought, I don't know. It wasn't in a zoo or anything? It was following just current events, general current events.

So it was basically like if a nature documentary was news. Yeah. I remember there was one years ago it was like it was just kind of boring you know just everyday kind of stuff and then it was uh the pope says hell doesn't exist and i was like wow that's a great one that seems that one's awesome that seems pretty big what what pope was it uh the last guy oh yeah i'm sir red rat zinger rat zinger yeah yeah yeah from uh cheers oh what yeah he played uh norm ah no sorry cliff john ratzenberger yeah yeah yeah they're uh a lot of people think hell exists but uh turns out as far as i'm concerned it doesn't it does not exist is uh

cheers is it ever on anymore seinfeld's in constant rotation it's tbs you know yeah tbs just airs for the most part while just other people's programming seinfeld is weird because it looks great in hd i don't know what how yeah it's like they Well, they shot it on film. I guess they must have. Unlike, whatever we were talking about a couple weeks ago. Suddenly Susan? Or whatever the MASH or the 70s shows that look so terrible. Oh yeah, they shot on

MASH. It's just so unacceptable. That laugh track is so unacceptable because you're not even trying to put it on a set. It's like when they did a laugh track on the Flintstones.

You know what I mean? You were like, what? I remember Rob Cowley. Do you guys know the comedian Rob Cowley? No. He only did comedy

for a little while. So funny, this guy. But yeah, he used to talk about like a live studio audience watching the animators draw and losing their minds as they're drawing a joke and

just yeah um what's your overheard you got my overheard is a lady on the bus who was uh she's having this conversation top volume on her phone right and um and she was naming names that was the that was the crazy part this This was a discreet conversation. Did you hear what Brad Pitt did in South Korea? She said, you know the guy who works bar? And just so for everybody on the bus, she goes, yeah, Octavio. So everybody knows that she's talking about Octavio. That's like a reality show name.

I'm Octavio and I didn't come here to make friends. She said, I don't care if he's got a girlfriend. I'm going to get up on that. Yeah, I know. Octavio.

There can't be that many Octavios in town. This was in Vancouver? Yeah. I bet we could find him through a Facebook search. Yeah. Octavio Facebook

bartender Vancouver. Yeah, exactly. Let me just type in Octavio Facebook. See, I octavio let's see if we can find this this could happen guys get our phones in action guys synchronized swatches i think this could happen so you said it was octavio octavio oh man this is good radio well everyone can play along at home that's true octavioio Vancouver. You know what? I'm finding people already. I don't want to do this.

What do you mean? You don't want to do what? Because then you were saying, oh, which one are you finding? What's his last name? And then we have to say his last name. Well, no. We don't have to reveal too much. This guy's not a guy I would get up on, so it can't be him.

No. Guys. It can't be that man. No. I'm opting out. I found him. But in the meantime, Oh,

I bet it's, Yeah? It's gotta be this guy. Okay. Oh, wait. I'm telling you. No,

no. Um, Now, Graham, do you have a second overheard? I don't have a second overheard. Does that look like, does that look like the guy they would probably be talking about?

Yeah, that's him. That would be the guy, for sure. Oh, yeah. That's an odd. That hairline? Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from people around the world. If you want to send ones in to us, you can send them in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Aunt Sheilaila oh in sweden all the way over in in sweden this is uh she's this is from june of this year my friend is dating a danish

guy here are some hot go-to flirting phrases she was recommended from a language app. And these are them in order. Yep. Where can we go dancing? Would you like to dance? I can teach you a few moves. I can't dance either. It is an overrated pastime. An overrated pastime. Yep.

Yep. What will you drink? I am a dolphin trainer. That was a joke. That's real. Oh, my God. Yeah, she sent a screen grab of it. I am a dolphin trainer. That was a joke. That's real? That's real, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, she sent a screen grab of it. I like it.

I am a dolphin trainer. Have you ever trained a dolphin? Looked in those books. I guess the only ones I can remember are books of like, back before apps existed when you would go traveling. Oh, yeah. Oh, here are some phrases that you might need if you're in Costa Rica. Or if you're in Italy. How about that Mussolini?

Yeah, donde esta lo centro nocturno an ex-girlfriend of mine was date uh later on was dating a guy from japan and uh she had a textbook that this guy had because anyway he knew people that were teaching english in japan so anyway comes home and the book had a picture of a donkey and the translation below said tiger so it was a completely different but there were mistakes throughout this entire book i love it it may have been korea anyway but it was like uh yeah yeah completely different picture associated with the name so like people growing up calling you know tigers donkeys and vice versa well and there was somebody sent a picture or a bunch of pictures that they took in a Japanese mall because there's like stores that have English phrases on the shirts. But they're not nonsense phrases, but they're also not phrases that you would wear on a shirt.

You know, it would be like, this is expensive or something like that. It's like a phrase. But English was such a thing. just like a phrase but english was such a thing it might still be but i remember when she because she used to tell me how how popular english and being part of anything english was like if you had english things and north american things that you were pretty cool you were in the know so yeah it didn't matter as long as english yeah is it still english or now are people like walking around with like urdu? I don't know. I don't know.

What's Urdu? I think it's in Pakistan maybe. Yeah, it's a good looking language. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This next one comes from Trevor S. Hi, Trevor. Location unknown. Okay, thanks for writing.

I was at a mall with my girlfriend and we passed by two teenagers talking to each other when one said to the other, I dare you to go two weeks without beatboxing. That's the best one. If there was a winner, that's the winner. Because that's a guy

who's either so fed up with his friend beatboxing. Or was it a boy and a girl? They just said two teenagers. They overheard, yeah. It's like so fed up with the other guy beatboxing

So much I dare you You can't do this Or maybe just a You know what man Maybe just go two weeks And then think about it Yeah yeah

It's gotta be the It's gotta be the guy Who's pissed off I feel like it might even be siblings Like that's something My siblings would say to me Dave why are you Do you have

Do you have older siblings Or younger siblings What do you think I don't younger siblings what do you think i don't know i feel like you're yo you're a younger for sure how can you how can one tell well this is my guess okay i'll reveal afterwards you said for sure yeah i'm the youngest of four yeah that makes sense and are you an elder i'm the oldest yes i'm the headlight into the future i'm the guide for my youngest the prodigal son yeah no because headlight into the future. I'm the guide for my youngest. The monogal son. Yeah. No, because you don't have to, you're not the attention seeker.

I thought the youngest was the attention seeker. No, I don't think so. I think the youngest learns and gets ignored, but also has to, they make up their own fun. And you've seen me around a plate of cookies. I got to get in and eat them. David, you don't even know, but we took a break in the middle of this podcast okay little peek behind the mirror david was holding a child his own baby not just any child he was holding uh am i allowed to hear baby's name or do you try and be private about that yeah i have a fake name for her oh okay what's the fake name morris oh okay well david was holding mor Morris and a sweater in the other hand and ate a cookie and the crumbs landed on the baby's head.

Yeah. It was lovely. But it wasn't just that the crumbs landed. Dave started singing a song that made crumbs shit out of him. Yeah, you guys, that should be the show. It's the thing in between the show. Yeah, and your show should be called Cash Dad. Starring David Shimka as Casual Dad.

This last one comes from Kyle in Missoula, Montana. Well, we have phone calls afterwards. Oh, great. I work in an independent natural grocery store. A woman and her two small children came in the other day and were passing through the produce section. One of the kids started chanting, we eat grass, we eat grass, we eat grass. The other joined and soon

the whole produce department started chanting, we eat grass, along with the kids. What? The chanting died and as the family was leaving that part of the store, the kid asked loudly, what is wheat grass? That might trump beatbox. Beatbox is great, but that one's amazing.

Kids chanting? Yeah. Always hilarious to me. I can see that. I can see the department joining in because the kids are having fun. Let's join in. The only thing that would have made that story better is if the child who originally started chanting wheatgrass slid its own throat.

Surprise twist. Just a twist, yeah. Have you had wheatgrass? Horrendous. Yeah, I've had it at a juicer. I've had a shot of it. You walk into some grocery stores in L.A. I live in L.A.

And you walk into some grocery stores in L.A. You live in Lake Arrowhead. I do live in Lake Arrowhead. But I'm going to sell that stores in LA. You live in Lake Arrowhead. I do live in Lake Arrowhead. But I'm going to sell that house. Oh, really? Yeah, I think the plan is sell the house. Use whatever I get for the house as a down payment for a house in LA. In Carpinteria?

In Carpinteria near Allen Thick's Ranch. Yeah. Where, as Graham puts it, the horse lady lives. Giant horse lady. The giant horse lady lives. Hey, we let go of that pretty quickly, too. Giant horse lady. The giant horse lady lives. Hey, we let go of that pretty quickly, too. That was gone. That feels like hours ago.

I know. I did forget about it. I was surprised. But, yeah, so that would be the plan. But you go into these places like... You go into... Sorry. Graham gave me a beer.

That's true. This is not my fault. And I know what you're going to say, Dave. Oh, John, you can control yourself. Not the beer Graham gave me. No, but I was patting him on the back, too. This is not my fault. And I know what you're going to say, Dave. Oh, John, you can control yourself. No, but I was patting him on the back too. I was making that coffee. While eating a cookie and spilling crumbs on my head.

But yeah, you get wheatgrass shots and I tried a wheatgrass shot and there's no point in doing this. There's no point in taking a wheatgrass shot. I feel like John was super high energy at the beginning then went through a lull and now he's back. that what you feel sometimes i do i'll go through that in addition but that's life don't you think that's life don't you think that's life yeah we go through little moments absolutely we naturally relax and then every eight minutes there is a natural

peace and quiet and that's built into into our DNA and passed on through generations. It's part of evolutionary survival. And you know what that is? Why there's a hush and a quiet every eight minutes? It's to check for predators. I get it. By the way, I think I just made that up. Dave, go ahead.

In addition to our words that are written in, we also... Oh, there's a tiger! think i just made that up babe go ahead uh in addition to words that are written in we also why am i an asshole because i checked for predators you're laughing that we left no i thought there was a tiger there no but it was just a donkey though and then i get a japanese tiger but then i i get nervous laughter when I see a wild animal. And there wasn't one, but I thought it was. It had nothing to do with you laughing. I'm not an asshole. You're looking for reasons to make me an asshole, David.

I love you with all my goddamn heart. You know that I would, if someone said, John, Dave's in trouble, he needs you, I'd fly across the country to do whatever I could. I believe that. I believe that. I believe that. I wouldn't cross an ocean, but across country. Yeah, overland. We also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us with your overheard, the phone number is 206-339-8328. Can I leave my phone number, too, in case anyone wants to contact me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll do it at the end of the show. Okay. Here are the phone calls. Hi, Dave and Graham and probable guest or delightful twofer. This is Abby from Boston calling with an overheard.

I was just in my local liquor store, and as I was walking up to the line, two little boys ran into the store and grabbed a two liter of soda out of the refrigerator and cut in front of me and got up to the counter. And as they were waiting for the guy to ring them up, the younger brother, maybe eight, said to the older brother, possibly 10, what if you and I were never brothers, but we met in school and we were like best friends. And the older brother said, well, I'd probably treat you better if you weren't so annoying.

Thanks, guys. Warm. Okay, that's great. I want to break it down, if I may. Break it down. I'll beatbox. Dude, if you could go, I bet you can't go two weeks without breaking it down.

I think it's interesting. It's very funny. But I think the motivation for it, clearly, the person who said, what if we weren't brothers, but just met at school, clearly, he wants to get into the other guy's pants. Yeah, that's true. He's presenting the idea like what if we were just strangers? What if we weren't brothers? Then could we touch

dicks? Then I could put my finger in your butt. Next one. Next one. Here we go. Dave, Graham, Jess, this is Josh in Bloomington, Indiana. Calling in with an overheard. I was at the bar tonight.

Saw a couple guys getting into a fight, getting up in each other's faces. I don't know what started the fight, but I did hear one guy yell, Go ahead, tell me to sniff your finger one more time. Thanks. Oh, I missed it. What was it? Tell me what? Tell me to sniff your finger one more time. That was good

i've had enough i've had enough for a fight yeah i don't want to sniff that finger do it do it tell me to do it does come from it leads in nicely from the last call where you were putting a finger in a butt but i also think i think we know what happened in this scenario. Yeah. I was with a particular potentially woman who, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of things that can make your fingers smell. Play-Doh? David, go ahead. Find the other scenario where this would have caused a fight. I borrowed your latex gloves.

Yes. Prove it. You did not borrow my latex gloves. Oh, yeah? Sniff my finger. You borrowed my latex gloves. Yes. Prove it. You did not borrow my latex gloves. Oh, yeah? Sniff my finger. You borrowed my latex gloves? I sure did. You got to say sniff my finger.

Sniff my finger again. You tell me to sniff your finger one more time and I... Yeah, I see. You're actually right, David. You're right on this one. Final over her. Yay. 2014.

Hi, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Rebecca from Brisbane in Australia. I'm just calling in with an overheard. I was sitting in a doctor's surgery waiting room the other morning, and there was a little girl, probably about four or five, sitting on her grandmother's lap. And she was looking at her grandmother's shoulders and her neck, and she said, Grandma, how many freckles do you have?

And her grandma said, I don't know, love. And she's like, Grandma, how many freckles do you have on your back? And her grandmother said, I don't know, sweetie, lots. And the little girl paused, looked at her and said, tell me the truth. Why are you holding this for me? You've taken freckle inventory, and I know it. You've lived so many years, you've never counted your freckles?

That's how you can tell how old a person is. Like rings in a tree. Yeah, count the freckles. I like that. Brisbane, that's lovely. I like internet. David, come on, don't be racist. What did I say?

You said, in it. Don't be racist. What did I say? You said, isn't it? Isn't that what Australians say? No, Australians say things like this. Let's go watch a footy game. I'm going to eat a pie. I'm never going to get off this island. I'm a footy moron. And then you had to go and make fun of them.

But no, what a lovely call from Brisbane. It's scary your ear for dialect thank you yeah like it's really an accent i'll do it uh okay this is this is good south african you don't know how far you need to go to get to where i live so far away you day boat you go fast there you go perfect pitch perfect thank you yeah i don't think we need to give you I don't think we need to do that. Give me one more. German. German? Okay. The Nazi party, they're good people.

You need to know that they have good intention. I don't know which part's more offensive. Which part's more offensive? The idea of supporting the Nazis for having good intentions? Or just the... Give them a South African accent. Once more offensive. Once more offensive. The idea of supporting the Nazis for having good intentions or just, yeah. Give them a South African accent. I really enjoyed hanging out with you guys. Those overheards are great. And every time, you know what?

And it's not like I'm surprised. And I say this because it's a lovely thing, I think. I will run into people and I'm not a famous person. You are a famous person. I'm in the public eye to a certain degree sometimes. But when I'm in the United States, I just want... But there are times where I will run into people and they'll say, Hey, are you John?

I'm like, yeah. And they go, I listen to you on Stop Podcasting. And I always like that. It makes me feel really good. Yeah. It happens a lot. Are you the poet John Doerr? That will be it.

Someday. Well, it's established now. Oh, that's true. Yeah. This is it. Maybe we go out of this podcast. I'm not a producer of the show, but maybe we go out of the podcast on a very special, special recording of I Wish I Was a Metal.

Yeah. Here we go. Thanks for listening. Dave, do you have anything to plug well before we before the show ends we need to John

you were going to give your phone number yes actually I'll give you my mom's phone number oh no don't do that I'm not giving out a phone number

what are you Tom Green yeah he gave out Glenn Humplick's phone number didn't he accidentally in a way I feel like he would have Given out his parents Phone numbers

Yeah No nothing to plug over here Just keep reaching For the stars Keep your feet on the ground Can I plug something Yeah When does this go to air

This will go up on The week after The next one Okay good good Cause I just Cause I can't There's something I can't Promote I feel like the 24th of November I can't promote something until this tour is over

But it'll be over by then So yeah I will be in I'll just say this I'll be in Vancouver at the Yuck Yucks End of January Check the calendar I can't remember the date But end of January I'll also be in Calgary at the Laugh Shop

End of January last two weeks I just can't remember the date so I would love it and hopefully Graham you'll be on that show in January

that would be very much fun and David I know you're hesitant but I would love it if you would be a part of it in some capacity sure I'll do the

we could dream why don't we do Dave will do the program David you have to come and play guitar to I Wish I Was a Metal we'll do a live performance dream Why don't we do Dave will do the programs David you have to come And play guitar To I Wish I Was a Meadow We'll do a live performance

Oh that would be That's not a bad idea Yeah I was going to suggest I could make a Like a banner behind you That you could be on stage You'll be the banner?

No I'll make you a banner I've never made a banner David we're going to do A live rockin' version Of I Wish I Was a Meadow You have to commit to it One night Will you commit to it one night?

I commit to it one night. One night only. This is binding. Okay, done. This is legally podcast binding. Unless... Uh-oh. Here we go.

Something else comes up. Just forget it then. I got to promos In January Uh huh In Toronto Uh huh I'll be part of the Next Stage Theater Festival NSTF With a show called

Graham Clark Reads the Phone Book Oh nice Yeah Howie Mandel did that Good for you Did he really? No I'm joking I think he may have

But it doesn't matter Yeah But that's great idea I'm also going to put a rubber glove On my head and just Blow it up But that's going to be hilarious So you to put a rubber glove on my head and just do that. But that's going to be hilarious. So you are actually going to read the phone book.

I have a phone book. Yeah. I love it. Because you take chances and you have fun. I do have fun. If you like the show, please do check out the blog recap over at MaximumFun.org. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Surely a picture of Alan Thicke.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Beautiful bride. Guys, don't you dare. Don't you dare. What else did we talk about? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, whatever. Well, we talked about some poetry.

We got a little bit personal with other people's stories. Well, maybe to put a picture of I Wish I Was a Meadow. Yeah. Yeah, but I think you're right. If we put the picture,

people got to listen first. I'll put a picture of the title. The title, yeah. There you go. And thanks everybody for listening to the

show. If you like the show, please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. And try and come up

with some good overheards for fuck's sake. I wish I was a meadow. A poem by John Doerr. I wish I was a cobb, a poem by John Doerr. I wish I was a cobbler and owned the strength to mend. These thoughts designed for patching, they're all that I can send. To cushion nights of endless ponder, to dry a dripping cheek.

This town's too small for blinking. It commands my blistered feet. I wish I was a meadow. I'd lie beneath the beams, near a creek designed for housing all your thriving, flowing dreams. As it migrates through the mountains, as the pounding rapids grow, a meadow lies impatiently for the binding splash below. How gracefully it falls. How peacefully it rests. As these times you fell beside me, bestowing me your breasts. Maximumfun.org

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.