Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 353 - Abby Shumka

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

Abby Shumka returns to talk baby stuff, driving stuff, and rats. Also, the annual SPY Secret Santa exchange.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 353 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, well he's just so excited that Christmas is finally here. Yeah, only three more sleeps. And our guest today, returning guest and a first-time guest, returning guest, Miss Abby Shumka.

Oh, hi. And first-time guest who's fallen asleep, very unprofessional, Miss Margo Shumka. Yep, she's right here. Sleeping, really using the rolls of kind of chub in her neck as kind of like a travel pillow. Stop talking about me. Pretty good. How dare you. Finally, Dave has use for that fucking baby voice.

Oh, come on, language. When did babies start understanding swear words? Oh. I heard in the womb. I hope very soon. Well, welcome. Thanks, guys. And should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us.

Thank you so much for joining us on this festive episode. Every year we do, like, I guess we've sort of toned it down in recent years. We used to, like, go balls out on Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sound effects and music. Oh, we'll put some jingle bells in the theme. Oh, that would be a good slogan for a Christmas movie, going bells out. Oh, yeah, that would be good.

Like a frat Christmas. Copyright. Yeah. Like a very. Van Wilder Christmas Oh, that would be so great This year Taj and the elves But yeah, so we like to bring a familiar face on every year right before Christmas

Last year I believe believe, was Charlie. We did Alicia the year before. Baron Vaughn before that. Yep. That was weird. Longtime favorite. Baron Vaughn. So, Abby.

Yeah, what's happened to you since last year on the podcast? Not much. Really embraced the track pants lifestyle. Oh, yeah? What are you, in tearaways or uh just just straight up like just one leg at a time pull on pull up pull ups yeah yeah that's what i call adult pants i'm a big kid now and that's how i put on my. I step into them and then pull them up. Pull them up, two legs at a time. Like, you know, George Jetson or whatever.

Yeah. Or Wallace and Gromit. I have them laid out on the floor, like, perfectly so I can step into them and pull them up. You should have them, like, over a trap door. And so you just fall and jump into them. You land in your car or something. And so you just sort of fall and jump into them. You land in your car or something.

So, of course, you've had, you were with Child. Yes. Were you on the podcast while you were with Child? Yeah, she announced it. Yeah, because I announced it. We did the live one. I wasn't that far along, I don't think. And then we did the one from Max Von Kahn. Where I was more far, I was more far along.

You were further along. More far along. And now you have a baby on your chest. And now I have a baby. Yeah, I was more far along. You were further along. More far along. And now you have a baby on your chest. And now I have a baby. Yeah, I made my own person. Yeah.

And a cute one at that. Which is pretty great. Yeah. She turned out okay. Yeah, she's all right. So, we'll keep her.

We'll keep her. How are you liking it? It's pretty awesome. Mm-hmm. It's, yeah. Top 50 things about having a baby. What's the one thing that you

did is completely unexpected because i think like a lot of things you know is there anything where you're like well i didn't know that would happen or like because like charlie said once he had a kid he was surprised that like just everybody will give you advice oh yeah no matter how ill advised or whatever he was very surprised by that kind of i was not at all surprised by that i was not either i'd read a lot about that and it's a lot of like uh uh no one actually cares it's like they just they just want to say something. They just want to give the advice. Yeah. Have you gotten any really bad advice? Like get your kid on asparagus

as soon as possible. Well, there's a lot of old school stuff like put her on a schedule and you feed her at blank, blank, blank time and one in between and she sleeps now

and I'm like, well. But she's hungry now. She doesn't know what the fuck she's now and I'm like well but she's hungry now she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing she's hungry now she's sleepy now she's awake like you don't

you just gotta roll with the punches and just like hey you're hungry alright I'll feed you are you tired okay I'll feed you are you awake

okay you're awake yeah also the answer to everything it's I'll feed you I'll feed you yeah stick a boob in your mouth done

we really could learn a lot from babies in that regard well just do what you feel, man. Just take it easy. I was a little worried at the very beginning because it was like, oh, well, I don't, you know how like if you're feeling down and you, you know, eat a thing of ice cream, you feel better. And you're like, well, maybe that's not the best thing. She's a baby. Yeah.

The answer to all of her problems is usually milk but also eating an ice cream if you feel down probably one of the like i would put that in the top three ways of dealing with yeah you know there's a lot of other things you could be doing like i just don't want my baby to eat her feelings but she doesn't really have any no she's all eat no feeling at this point she's getting she's getting some feelings now though yeah she's getting uh she enjoys things sensation has returned to her limbs. Yes. Gaining control of her own body.

Right. Not just random movements. I'm looking forward to that in my own body. Yeah. That's exciting. She smiles and laughs and stuff, which is pretty great. Yeah. It's pretty rewarding.

Yeah, right? You can make her smile. It's when it transitions from being a pet into a human being. Yeah. When they start smiling at you. Exactly. And you get an actual reaction as opposed to like, because she would smile before, but it was completely involuntary. Like she has no idea she's doing it.

Yeah. Gas based. Yeah. Exactly. She's a carbon based life form. She's a gas based life form. she's a gas-based life life form um yeah i think the one thing that i was like uh most surprised by was um well there's a lot of like condescension to towards me specifically by everyone what now what do you mean like oh it's like oh you know dave you're gonna

like i remember i was no no more more going to Vegas for crazy bachelor week. But like someone, I was having dinner with my family and someone spilled a glass of wine on me. But like right before the baby was born and they're like, get used to it. Because I got up and started wiping myself off. Everybody starts throwing wine at you. Yeah. You're going to get stuff on your pants. Get used to it.

I'm like, I know, but it's you're going to get stuff on your pants. Get used to it. I'm like, I know, but it's still perfectly normal to react by wiping my pants. No, Dave, get used to it. Stain all your clothes in advance. Or I was talking about how, like, people say that a baby's diaper, when they're on breast milk,

it doesn't smell, and I never really believed that. Right. And I was telling someone, like, hey, I thought it would, you know, people say it doesn't smell. I thought it would smell a bit though. Like I thought it would be worse than this.

I can totally deal with this. And then someone was like, well, it doesn't last long. You're in for it. Like, I know what it smells like normally. I'm just telling you it's less than I was. No. No, you're going to get it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm just telling you, it's less than I was... No. No, you're going to get it. Yeah, I know.

I'm prepared. I know what butts do. I know what butts do. I know what butts like. Poop. Yeah. And sitting. Wait, do butts like sitting?

They're doing all the work in the sitting arrangement. Maybe butts like walking more. You all the work in the sitting arrangement maybe butts like walking more you know give me a break yeah yeah yeah you've been sitting on me all day when you're in an argument with your butt it's like i need you to take a walk right now before i do anything i'll regret oh lordy but i find find that a lot of times Even just talking with other moms That a lot of people think that dads are idiots Well commercial certainly

He doesn't know how to do it Well yeah society is propagating this Hollywood This idea There is really like a Dads are dumb dads Yeah dads are idiots culture Oh there are dumb dads out there, that's for sure.

Dave is not one of them. Dave is an extremely capable father. But there's dumb everything. There's also dumb moms and dumb kids. But the dumb dad genre. Like this kid is so dumb, she didn't want to get vaccinated. Well, that's like father, like daughter that's um the uh because like it feels like now i could be way out on this but i think in the early 60s the all the shows would have the dad being like a

smart like he was like father's nose best or eight is enough or beaver mccleaver. Yeah. Beaver Cleaver hands. Beaver Von Cleaver. Beaver Cleaver hands. That's the original Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. But like I feel like the dad was always you know

he would give the the pearl of wisdom or whatever. And then what? Like maybe Archie Bunker was the like now we're just gonna make dads a bunch of idiots.

Yeah. And Cosby Show he's like constantly making sandwiches and stealing cake. That's all I remember from the Cosby show is that he like, they said like, don't eat the cake. And so he ate a slice of the cake and then put paper towel in and put frosting on top of it. That is, that's like literally what they do on Cake Boss and Ace of Cakes. in and put frosting on top of it. That's like literally what they do on Cake Boss and Ace of Cakes. Cereal treats.

Yeah, they put Rice Krispie treats or PVC pipe and just cover it in frosting. He was the original Cake Boss. Yeah, he was the original Cake Boss. He didn't even know it yeah like you know then idiot dad but idiot dad is like really such a thing yeah it's in every commercial

i can't think of a sitcom where the dad isn't an idiot was it uh do you what do we have to blame for that the national lampoon's vacation movies i wonder i don't know but as there was just like this like slow thing where all of a sudden and then it's just like it's just idiot dad it rules the day yeah i don't know i don't know what started yeah maybe and like dad fashions and dad jeans and like dad jokes and like dads are just like dads have really been put out to pasture It's like I will make the same joke On Twitter Six months ago As I do now

And suddenly it's like Dad jokes No it's the same joke Dave's sense of humor has not changed No but you were getting You were definitely getting into A groove with dad jokes Where you were like

How dare you Whose side are you even on i don't know i don't even know always take the baby side yeah i vote president baby yeah um and so you you like you uh spend a lot of time uh are you going to to classes and stuff? I know that you're like, yeah. Yeah, I try to meet other moms. Are they any good? How are the other moms?

They're pretty good. Yeah, there's nice ones. There's been a couple that I've like. Who's the craziest mom? I don't know. Kathy. Ack. She's got this chocolate baby.

No, because amongst our immediate friends, we're kind of the first ones to have a kid. So we don't have that many. To be fair, we don't have that many friends. We have a small circle of friends. And don't tell Charlie. So yeah, we go to the community center or yesterday I went to a cookie exchange and there was a whole bunch of all-based cookies. Tell me more about this cookie exchange. Oh, it was great.

Is it? I'm going to get so fat. I'm going to look pregnant all over again. It's going to be all cookies. I had never heard of a cookie swap before. Oh, it's great. I would watch a reality show called Cookie Swap. It's not that exciting.

It doesn't need to be exciting. It just has to be fulfilling. Yeah, it just needs to be well produced. But then you don't get to eat any of the cookies if you're watching on TV. If you're doing real life, you don't get to eat the cookies. You bake like three batches of cookies. Yeah. And then there's a bunch of.

There was like, I don't know, 10 of us there. And we each made a different kind of cookie. Oh, you made them there. No, you made them beforehand. And then you bring them there. So, and then we just put them out all on the table. And before you, and we just hung out and, like, had some food, and the babies hung out. I feel like as a reality show, you could do sort of, like, she came with these cookies,

she's leaving with these cookies, like, what decision will she make after this? Miranda showed up drunk again. Which cookies are going to be left that nobody wants? Yeah, what if you get stuck with like a bum cookie? Well, you have choice is what you take. Oh, I mean like. Oh, you bring the bum cookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, they handed out recipes and I'm like making spinach cookies. Great. Nobody's going to eat these. Popeye's not coming to this party. Nobody gives a shit. Oh boy, he's trying to eat these. Popeye's not coming to this party. Nobody gets shit. Oh, boy. He's strong to the finish. Nobody. I got a buttload of cookies.

Yeah. But now I just took a whole, like, I didn't try them all. But you came home with some of your own, which I didn't understand. Because you also had more of your own at home. I forgot that I'd saved some of my own and took some of my own home. And now I didn't get a chance to try all of them. And then now I tried one. I'm like, oh man, why did I take more of these?

Oh yeah. What was the best? What was the top cookie? This ball. This ball. This weird white ball. They're so, they seem so generic. Like there's no, there's no nut or chocolate or anything, but these little balls covered

in white, like icing sugar. They're so good. And these other ones that were like little tiny, they looked like brownie bites, but they were just like cake batter. Oh, yeah. And they had either Reese's peanut butter cups or Rolos just like pushed into them. But I missed out on all the peanut butter ones. Wow.

And peanut butter and chocolate is like my favorite. That's your thing. That's your go-to. So I got the Rolo ones. Stupid Rolo. Nuts. Yeah. So I got the Rolo ones.

Stupid Rolo. Nuts. Yeah. Now, like, I know while you were pregnant, you weren't able to eat, like, meats. Yeah, some cheeses and stuff, yeah. Or booze. Yeah. You weren't allowed to eat booze, popsicles. I couldn't eat it now.

I drank a bunch of it, but I just couldn't eat it. Yeah, you couldn't have room temperature. You couldn't do jello shots or any kind of wine mold. Is there any thing that you just, you continued to not, like that you're like, now that you can eat it,

that you're like, nah, you know what? I'm done what i'm done i'm done with that not really you just went back yeah that's fair enough yeah heroin yeah you give it the h well for now you got off the horse maybe not forever you get right back on you're right back on that horse um so you're you're oh baby's head hit the microphone. I'm sure it's fine. We, the other thing that happened, I guess while you were pregnant, you, before you were pregnant, you took a driver's test. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And you didn't get your license. And then you got pregnant and you were like, I'm not driving at all. I drove a couple times and I was like, fuck, I'm not booking my test now. And also while you were driving, like your hands went, or while you were pregnant,'m not driving at all Cause that belly I drove a couple times And I was like Fuck I'm not booking my test now And also while you were driving Like your hands went Or while you were pregnant Your hands went numb Oh yeah I got wicked

Carpal tunnel in my hands Like if my arms were bent at all My hands would go numb So to drive a car You had to recline the seat All the way back And be so chill Have your arms super straight

Yeah I like that So yeah I didn't drive pretty much The whole time I was pregnant And then I booked my test. You have, like, we have the, what do they call it, graduated? Licensing, yeah. Licensing, where you have, like, a learner's and a novice, and then you get your full license.

And it takes a couple years to go through the whole process. And you have your L for two years. And then if you don't pass your test within that two years, you have to retake the written test to get a new L issued. This didn't exist when I was your age. But my learners expired on December 7th and I booked my test for December 2nd. Whoa, nice. Britney Spears birthday. Yeah, I really just squeaked through and through the blessing of Britney Spears, our Lord,

I passed my test. Oh, man. Yeah. Did you pass your written test on the first? Yeah. That took me so many tries to get that written test. I was so nervous about it. And then I was like, oh, fuck, I passed it.

All right. Yeah. I did. I think I took it like at least four times, maybe more. And then the driving test I had to take twice before I passed. That's all right. But then that was it. Then you had a license.

There's no third thing. No. See, I have to take another test in two years that is a little bit more involved. And I have to go on the highway and do a whole bunch of other maneuvers and stuff. Get your motor running. Yeah, you have to follow a car in a chase. Yeah. Step on it.

Evade a police helicopter. Drive through a whole bunch of watermelons and some plate glass. Oh boy. And a whole bunch of chickens. Yeah,

crates of chickens. Yep. Yeah, and then you have to do like skid into a parking space. Mm-hmm. There's a lot of Batman-themed ones. I have two years to practice this.

Yeah, but the bright side now is you don't need anyone in the car. You get to be by yourself. Yeah, I don't have a co-driver, and I get to be by myself. Like, I was thinking. Was it a co-driver? Is that what it was called? Yeah. Yeah, Jesus is my co-driver.

Yeah. David was my co-driver. Yeah. called yeah yeah jesus is my co-driver yeah david was my co-driver yeah um because i had to be in the car with abby while she was driving which meant we had to bring margo in the car while she was practicing yeah and mario hates her car seat fucking hits the car and uh she's getting used to it now but like every time we went out we went out an hour every day yeah for the last month or so screaming the whole time screaming the whole time yep screaming hated it that's the way to learn to drive i got i got real good at tuning around yeah so that'll come in handy that'll come in handy i remember like going

with my uh mom and her screaming the whole time so that was just everything it did she screamed well i was like you know what i don't want my license I'm out It's not worth it Abby did like driving school But then I also Like you have to practice With someone else in the car And I warned her

I was like I'm going to be holding On to this thing up here This whatever The Jesus Christ handle Yeah the handle That you hold on to Oh yeah sure

I'm just doing it From the get go Don't take it personally It's just what I'm going to be doing And you're slamming On invisible pedals Yeah Don't pay no attention To my feet except that my feet are correct um and like i would give

her advice and most most of driving is just like getting into good habits and yeah and getting comfortable with your route how it works yeah well like what to do in different situations uh and i like i would be giving her advice and like okay you should change lanes oh wait there's How it works. Yeah. Well, like what to do in different situations. And I would be giving her advice and like, okay, you should change lanes. Oh, wait, there's two BMWs coming up behind you. There's no way these people will let you in. Yeah. Never expect BMW to make room for you. That's like the other thing is you got to like learn the rules and then you've got to learn what rules everybody has decided not to follow.

You're going below the speed limit right now that might work in your test but uh yeah also uh some people will just stop in the middle of the road to let a pedestrian cross not at a crossing so you just got to be ready at any time for pedestrian also when you're learning you you have to have this l on the back of your car and people will just honk at you all the time. People will single you out and be mean to you for no reason. Dave's saying you're not doing anything wrong. Just keep driving. Yeah.

Just keep driving. I got my driver's license, and then two years later, I did a course with specialty driving because I worked on like a pipeline. So everybody had to do this like dangerous driving course. Oh, really? Like jumps, jumps, hoops. No, like you had to learn how to forklift skid out on a slick surface. Okay.

And like gravel. And they had this car. That's super cool. It was super cool. It had like and they had this car. That's super cool. It was super cool. It had, like, the car had hydraulics that the instructor would, like, press a button and then, like, two, like, the front two wheels would, like, go suddenly down. Oh. Like, you'd create a skid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd have to get out of it. And you had to create a skid in your pants. Absolutely, I did. That's how I knew I passed, because I cared. You said that was the true test, is that you cared. But yeah, it was like such a crazy, it was such a crazy course, but I was like, they should make everybody who has to drive like on ice and stuff do that. Yeah. Because, right? Well, I know in Sweden you have to do it. You have to drive like on ice and stuff do that. Yeah. Because, right?

Well, I know in Sweden you have to do it. You have to do like. A friend of mine just moved to, she moved to Sweden and she had to get her driver's license switched over and she just had to go and like, she's been driving for 20 years and she had to go and renew her license in Sweden and she had to drive to like some,

like to like the Volvo test track. Really? And like maneuver on ice and stuff. Cool. She's like, first of all, I've been driving for 20 years and then I have to drive for an hour and a half on icy roads to get to this test to prove that I can drive on icy roads and then drive myself home.

What? She was so pissed off. I just remember in driving school, they didn't like, it was, I took them my course in the summer. There was no pissed off. I just remember in driving school, they didn't, like, it was, I took them my course in the summer. There was no ice anywhere. And so they were just like, yeah, so if there ever is ice, then. Theoretically. If you're skidding, turn either in or out.

I forget. Really stuck with it. I also don't know what it means to turn into a skid. You just. Same direction you're going? No, I just mean like, you know, you hang out outside school smoking. Oh, when you turn into a skid. You just... Same direction you're going? No, I just mean like, you know, you hang out outside school smoking. Oh, when you turn

into a skid. Yeah. Wear a trench coat. The thing was always to pump the brakes. That was... Pump your brakes! You don't have to do that anymore.

You don't do it, yeah. Because the brakes are different, yeah. They got, what are they called? Anti-lock brakes. ABS. I was going to say IBS,

but that's irrelevant. That's something different. That's another skid. Yay! But have you ever activated anti-lock brakes? Yeah. Oh, it's scary. Yeah, because they go chug, chug, chug.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. It's one of those things like how in every language there's a different sound for what a dog says. In Swedish, it's, yeah, antilog breaks are woot woot. Whereas in South Africa, it's

pichu pika. And then in China, it's kakunk kakunk. Kakunk kakunk. Yeah, I've done all the skidding all the day because I used to drive

on the icy roads in not winter tires. So I know how to donut. I know how to skidding all the day because I used to drive on the icy roads. Right. In not winter tires. So I know how to, I know how to donut. I know how to skid in, skid out. Skid out. Yeah.

Yeah. 23 skidoo. I've banged up some, some bumpers. Yeah, I bet you have. Yeah, I got some notches

on my bumper post. Oh, you're gross. Well, congratulations. Thank you. On the license. Yeah, yeah i keep i keep saying that like yeah uh getting my own dog getting married moving into a nice house having a baby when did we move into a nice house we moved out of a basement suite that's true upstairs so now we live on the main floor yeah um moving Moving into a mansion. Yeah. Even having a fucking baby, nothing has made me feel more grown up than driving by myself. Yeah.

And that is the feeling that a 16-year-old has. Yeah. You've now accomplished everything from that, what was it called? MASH? Yeah. That game with the... Oh, no. That was...

It was MASH because driver's license is on the end. Because it was A mansion Apartment Shed Shack Shack Or house Yeah And then you could

Pick the boys you would marry The jobs you would have How many kids you'd have Was it Shack S-H-A-Q Yeah You could live in Shack Even in Shack's house

Or in Shack's shoe Oh that would be great To live in one of Shack's shoes There was an old lady Who lived in Shack's shoe She did Shack foo Oh, that would be great to live in one of Shaq's shoes. Oh, yeah, there was an old lady who lived in Shaq's shoe. She did Shaq-fu. Like my friend Katie said, welcome to late teendom.

Yep. Yeah. That weird sense of freedom of being alone in a car. I remember there was at least one or two adults in my driver's ed class that I was like, how did you get so far without a driver's license? But there you go. I think one of them was like 50. Maybe she just moved to the country. In my country, I am doctor. Yeah.

In my country, I am driver. I am driver. What is that? I think it was on The Office where Michael Scott's talking to somebody who's from India and he's like, I was a surgeon back home. Michael Scott's like, I wonder what I would have been back home. Oh, man. Yeah. Great times.

Great stuff. Yeah. What's going on with you, Dave? Not much. Come on Sock it to me Preparing for Christmas Hung

Things by the fire with care? Well we don't have a chimney Hung them over the radiator with care? And also you don't do it until Christmas Eve Well some people hang them just as decorations But we hung I hung Christmas lights outside for the first time Nice

That was exciting. I've never done that. I had to get a staple gun. Well, I had a staple gun. Broke the staple gun. Had to get a new staple gun. It was Abby's, like, craft staple gun that I was using. Couldn't take.

He couldn't take the. Couldn't take Dave's hulking strength. Got this cool blood blister on my hand. Nice. From breaking a staple gun. Did you guys, how old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? What? And there's a baby.

I told her already. Oh, God damn it, David. She had to learn sometimes. I don't know, probably about eight, seven or eight maybe. I don't know. I 8 7 or 8 maybe I don't know I think I was under 10 Yeah I just remember

Being like Being told Don't tell your cousins About this Like you think You're so smart Now that you've Cracked the code

Oh wow But don't tell your Younger cousins about it Don't go blabbing To everyone Don't ruin this For everyone David Like it is

It was immediate Just like It went from being Like a happy magical, whimsical kid thing to being, like, great, you chose to be an adult. Fun's over. Yeah. But the one thing I was remembering, like, because in every Santa Claus depiction, it's elves are making, like blocks and and dolls and trains or like horsies yeah yeah wooden stuff and i just they're never making like transformers in a plastic yeah no ninja turtles i remember it was like consciously like just accepting, I guess Santa makes all the packaging. Yeah, like, Santa has a deal with Hasbro.

Yeah, exactly. Sponsorship by Mattel. I feel like it probably, if you were raised in the 20s, it was easier to believe in Santa Claus until you were 20. Yeah, like, whoever was president then. Until you had your own 20. Yeah. Like whoever was president then. Until you had your own kid. Yeah. Until you had your own kid and then you're like, oh, shit, I got to do this? Oh, no.

No. A kid lost his tooth and food for you didn't come. I think it was one year when my dad insisted that Santa didn't want milk, but he wanted beer. Then I was like, wait a minute. Hold on a second. He's driving. Is a baby awake? Yeah, and she's pooping. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, I thought I could hear. I thought I could hear the magical sound. And also I could see there was a glint in her eye, like something special was happening. Yeah. So, yeah, that happens a lot. We're trying to enjoy a fun conversation. And you got to poop.

There's a, near my friend's house, there's a house that hung up lights. And I guess maybe they thought they looked fine during the day. But at night it just looks like they just threw like them up in a tree and they were like good enough it's the worst lights yeah oh i i was like oh do i we don't have a ladder i don't want to buy a ladder i don't want to fall off of that no yeah yeah so i just did like the sort of inner stuff that I could let in there. You could reach the porch and stuff. Yeah, I might still, no, I was like, I might still do the, you know, wrap it around the banister.

Was there more going off? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like a 4th of July over here. Oh, man. She's going to get to listen to this someday. Yeah. It's going to get to listen to this someday. It's contained, though, right?

Yeah. You let me know if you see anything. Sure. Emerge. Emerging into her sweet robot onesie. Yeah, that is a really great one. One of my favorite ones. Got robots.

Robots. Robots. But yeah, not much going on Christmas wise Or anything wise Went back to Went back to the place where you get the snorting chocolate You got another hit? I didn't get a hit But I bought more chocolate

Yeah I was thinking about that snorting chocolate Watch Wolf of Wall Street Yeah Have you seen that? Yeah Yeah he does a lot that snorting chocolate. Watch Wolf of Wall Street? Yeah. Have you seen that? Yeah. Yeah, he does a lot of snorting in that. Out of a prostitute's butt. Yeah, and then he did a-

Or into a prostitute's butt or out of- I don't know. I don't understand what's going on when they involve a butt with drugs. I assume that it's always smuggling based. Yeah, but it's not. No, not in that scene. Also, the great scene in it is where he uses it like the Popeye is playing on. Oh, yeah.

That was great. Where he uses cocaine to save the day. That's a good movie. Yeah. A little short, though. Yeah. I could have used a couple more hours. And also, Jonah Hill's teeth could have been a bit bigger.

A little wider. A bit crazier. Yeah. What's going on with you? Oh, it's just been the 12 days of Christmas, if the 12 days included an infestation of rats. Oh. And a filling of mine falling out. Oh.

This week's been the worst. Happy, happy, merry, merry. What do you want to talk about first? Well, so, okay. So here's, this was, this is how crazy this rat situation is. Now, a week ago, you didn't have a rat

situation. No. No, everything was... Your favorite character on the Jersey Shore is the rat situation. Yeah. A guy who's got a six pack of rats on his stomach. I was picturing a rat with a six pack. Well, yeah. Live and learn. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, so there was a... Hey there. Somebody's awake. Hi, baby. Well, not the listener. Yeah, say your catchphrase, baby. Goo goo ga ga. Well, not the listener. Yeah, say your catchphrase, baby. Goo goo ga ga. Yeah, more like.

Guys, come on. I'm number one at number two. That's her catchphrase. Ahead in the game. But let's talk about something a little more sophisticated. Tell me about your rat infestation. So, like, the beginning of the week on, like, Monday at, like, 5 in the morning, I woke up because I was like, there's some crazy noise. I'm already out.

Dave's, like, wincing already. So it's like, and I'm not the only one who woke up. My roommate that, like, I'm next door to, she woke up and somebody else upstairs woke up. Like, it was so loud and i was like what was that noise i thought i assumed it was like somebody like outside not a sleeping a walk or something like that exactly i didn't think a hulking giant rat so then i opened also it's giant it's like the size of like in my mind is the is the size of like ground. Oh, no. It was giant. So I opened up my door and this rat. Dave's like biting his hand.

Rat had torn up the carpet. So there were these giant holes in the carpet. And I was like, oh, no. Like, that's not something a mouse does. No. And so. But you didn't see a rat. No, I didn't see anything.

So then I took photos of it and sent it to... Yeah, Ripley's Believe It or Not. Ripley's Believe It or Die. Was it Worldstar? Hip Hop. Hip Hop? Is this anything? Is this what this site is for?

I don't get this site. And then, so my roommate contacted the landlord, landlady, slumlord. Let's call her a slumlord. Let's call her a slumlord. Because that's what she is. And she just decided to do nothing. Oh, good times. Oh, yeah.

Put out some traps. Like, what? We're not exterminators. That's not my, yeah. So. We don't have a mouse. Yeah. so we don't have a mouse yeah like and i yeah like i took photos to be like this is definitely not a mouse or at best it's a gang of mice that are working as a team in which case uh i want the

movie rights yeah to gang of mice the rat situation so then um uh yeah so my roommate bought uh glue traps oh yeah uh which i've never seen before and i was like i'm not excited about uh the the possibility of catching one something and then having to deal with it yeah yeah so then i home. It's like two nights later. The carpet has been re-torn up. Oh. Ugh. And the glue trap is covered in fur. Oh.

So it was caught and then escaped. And it made a, ugh. Was there blood or anything? Oh, no. But that's to come. Oh, no. So then my roommate bought, like, whatever snap snap traps um chinese finger traps so we had fun with those upstairs um and yeah last night uh went off and we uh we got one and it was fucking huge. Did it die? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. But not before bleeding out on the carpet. So where was it coming up from under the carpet chewing through? No, it was trying to tunnel under my door. Like it was trying to tunnel. I don't know why my door would seem to be the center of fascination. I have some theories.

Go ahead. Well, you seem like a sexy lady rat. You emit a pheromone. Yeah, that's true. It might be my pheromones. And anyway, so we have one, but we don't know if it was one or a whole team. We have one. Yeah.

We're keeping it hostage. Yeah. We're pretending like it's still alive and sending messages to the rat family. Did you call an exterminator? I did, but we called the residential tenancy board. Oh, yeah. To say our landlord is. Yeah.

And they're like, you, the landlord. To say our landlord is. Yeah. And they're like, you, the landlord has to take care of it. Yeah. But if you hire, uh, an exterminator and then. And you pay.

And you pay, they won't necessarily have to reimburse you. Oh, cause I know I've, I've heard of it. Like you can take that amount off your rent check. Like this cost me $300. You're getting $300 less.

You can do that if it's like an emergency, like if you're something flooded. Like a pipe burst or something. Okay. But apparently, like, any kind of bugs or mice or rats is not considered that. So she was like, oh, I'm going to send by a handyman, which she never did.

A handyman is not an exterminator. Yeah, but at least it's got a hammer. Because we had to get an exterminator, and this guy was great. Well, I asked for your guy, and and i called them and they were super great and uh i was like i got a quote and i like sent it to her and she's like no you just you know for some reason she thought we were like responsible to take care of this and i'm like well you know you didn't sell us the house right right yeah we're just uh we're renting for. That monthly thing we pay to you is rent.

You are a landlord. Well, I'm not going to refund your damage deposit because your carpets are covered in rat blood. Well, that's the thing. That's why, because I was like, I was less concerned about that than her coming in and doing an inspection and being like, well, these holes weren't in the carpet. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's weren't in the carpet. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's because of the rat that you had here. Fucking rats. So, yeah, so it's just great.

Everything's great. Creatures are stirring. Enjoy. A mouse. Well, I had hoped. I hoped beyond hope it was a mouse. Well, the fact that you caught one is great. Because we had mice, and then we caught one and it had to, it died.

Yeah. It tragically died. Yeah. Upon being snapped by the thing. But like a year ago, we caught one by the tail and I was like, oh, I got to let this thing go or finish it off. Yeah. I let it go outside. But yeah, it's been pretty good since.

Knock on wood. Chew through wood. Yeah, exactly. The exterminator did a great job of going around the house and being like, oh yeah, I don't know if you know this, you have a giant hole in your house. Yeah, well, that's the thing is we started like looking around the outside of the house and there was like a hole in the uh in the ground that we thought like maybe it was tunneling into the house yeah but it also is like a big house and there's like tree like it could have

gone up a drain pipe like there's like a million ways it could have gone in the house. Sure. So that's why you bring in an exterminator? It's the very worst. Ugh. Yeah. And, yeah, we didn't even get a chance to treat it like a house, like a pet. You know, we didn't get a chance to name it.

Yeah, that's a thing. But it was in the walls, too. Like, it's just like, I don't even know what, you know. So maybe we've dealt with it? I the walls too. Like, it's just like, I don't even know what, you know. So, so maybe we've dealt with it. I don't know. I just remember, uh, apparently there's like a rat's nest outside of our house. Underneath our deck, but outside. Underneath our deck, but outside.

But I just remember once Abby and I were on vacation in Thailand with her family. And then our, our, um, uh our air conditioning stopped working one night. You were doing a thing with your hands that made it look like your lobster. Your lobster feast was delicious. If you had a lobster in the station. Lobster eat through the carpet. Oh, boy.

Torn, right? Oh, on the podcast last week, you were asking, do you have to wash a lobster before you cook it? Yeah. Because it's covered in... LG or whatever? Do you know that it doesn't have red underneath that?

It turns red when you cook it? Yes. Okay. Listening back, I was like, does he know what we're talking about? Because I've seen them in the tanks at the restaurant. And they're brown. Yeah, they're all brown. Well, they go back, they get washed down.

Scrubbed up. They put nail polish on it to serve it to you. Go bright red. But yeah, in our hotel room, it just started, like the air conditioner.

It stopped working and then it started to smell like Brussels sprouts and garbage and stuff. It was 11 o'clock at night and we were like, well, let's just go to sleep. We'll deal with it in the morning.

And we told them about it and then a guy comes to our room with a pillowcase. He's like, I know what happened. It's happened before. And then apparently a rat had crawled into the air conditioning, shorted it out and died. Oh, well, then that was the other thing. I was like, well, if it's in the walls, they could chew through wiring. Right.

And then that like is like that happens apparently all the time like it starts fires and yeah yeah so i was like you know personally i don't care because it's not my uh house okay if it burns to the ground but uh not my house not my wires yeah but uh so we'll see we'll see if if it's whatever. Shake it. Shake it off. And then the other day I was eating some Skittles and a giant piece of my tooth fell out. It's like stuff of nightmares for me.

I find that very personally very. You have those nightmares where your teeth fall out and it means, you know, whatever. You're trying to get control of your teeth. Can't control your own teeth. Your life's a mess. But yeah, like, so, you know, it happened like last night. And so now. Also, you haven't solved it yet.

No, no, no. I got to wait until monday are you in pain no that's the thing is i don't know how fast do you have to deal with something if it doesn't hurt but you're just constantly tonguing it i'm constantly tonguing i'm doing it right now in between words um do you i tried to take pictures of it with my phone by putting my phone in my mouth and well they're not they're not the worst photos i've ever taken um do you have you considered maybe cutting back on the skittles yeah i'm never gonna eat skittles again that was my last bag of well i didn't mean that no well you know what i hadn't

just mondays wednesdays and fridays i hadn't had Skittles, I can confidently say, for like seven years. Oh, wow. And I just was at a store and it was an impulse buy. I haven't seen a rainbow in a while, let alone tasted one. No, I know. And I was like, you know what? I haven't had forever Skittles. Skittles.

So I bought it literally the first handful. I was like, whoa, it tastes like there's a rock in these Skittles. It was not a rock. Oh, boy. Yeah. Well, do you have dental insurance? No, but I got a good dental guy. Well, not that good.

Is he certified or is he just a dental guy? Yeah. Like a dental hobbyist. Yeah, it's just silly putty that he put in there. Yeah, so that's, I've been doing that. I went to Whistler. Oh, yeah. You did your comedy thing.

Your comedy thing. You presented Wilderness Man as a finalist in the CBC Comedy Coup competition. Yeah. And you won? No. But, you know. At least it's over. At least it's over, yeah.

There you go. And, you know, it was in, like, I'd never go to Whistler. Yeah. Ever, even though it's, like, really close. It's the, for people unfamiliar, it's the world-class ski destination. Well, everybody's seen that TV show, Whistler. What was that? Was it a scripted?

Yeah, it was a scripted. It was kind of like. And then there was peak season, which was the unscripted. Yeah. Quote, unscripted. That was the reality show. Which is the reality show. Yeah, it was.

It's pretty much like both of those when you go to Whistler. Yeah, it's a lot of young Australians. Yeah, and, you know, everybody's walking around in theiristler. Yeah, it's a lot of young Australians. Yeah, and you know, everybody's walking around in their ski boots everywhere. All the time. And yeah, so

when I was up there, I was like, oh, I see why I don't do this. I see why I don't regularly come up here. Nothing in this for me. Did you ever ski as a child? Yeah. Did you like it? No. It was always cold. Stupid boots. Equipment didn't fit right.

And you were either too hot or too cold. Yeah, and carrying stuff was hard, yeah. Yeah, and it was... Skis were always... They always came apart when you were carrying them. Yeah, they never fit together. They always slide. There's supposed to be one unit, but you're carrying this big giant cross of skis.

Yeah. And like in Calgary, they had a ski hill inside the city that was for the Olympics or whatever. And it wasn't good. Like it wasn't good skiing, but that's where I was going. That's good skiing. Yeah. skiing, but that's where I was going. That's good skiing. Once I realized

that it was a thing that people smoke pot and then do, I was like, oh, I understand it now. You wouldn't need it. It's like anything like people who are into Pink Floyd and you listen to it and then they're like, oh no, you have to do it under drugs. And then you're like, ah.

Yes, under drugs. Hey, dental man, put me under drugs. Drugs of your choice. You know that, I'd say, a small proportion of people who smoke pot when they ski. Like, I'd consider it. Oh, I thought it was like in the high 90s. A preppy, you know.

Sport? Yeah, like a rich guy thing. Oh, so cocaine. Cocaine. You know sweater knotted about your shoulders. Yeah. Quaaludes.

Ludes. Yeah. That's why there's in the Olympics there's luge. I don't know. Dad joke. Is Quaaludes the one

with two A's or two U's? Two A's I think. And they don't make them anymore or they do still make them? And they don't make them anymore, or they do still make them? No, they don't make them anymore, as far as I know. Ludes? No. Where can you get Ludes? Nowhere.

Don't you remember Wolf of Wall Street? They got a whole bunch of batch flows like... Yeah, that was in some guy's safe. That was old. Hey, Siri, where can I get some Ludes? Okay, I found this on the web for work. I get some Ludes. Not Lids. You go to the mall and you go for work. I get some lids. Not lids.

You go to the mall and you go to lids. Go to lids. Where can I search for nudes? Now, do we want to do... Yeah, let's do it now. Our gift exchange now. Every... You go ahead.

No, you. Let's do it at the same time. No, you both do it at the same time. Every year, Graham and I do the official Stop Podcasting Yourself Secret Santa. And once again this year, I have drawn Graham's name. Yeah, and I drew Dave and Abby's. You'll see it's addressed to both of you. Margo's.

Fuck Margo. Yeah. Well, she'll get the fringe benefit of happy parents. She's got everything she needs. She's got a ribbon and a diaper. And she's good to go. And I'm playing like a hand game with her. She's holding onto your hand.

Yep. She's got cute little sharp fingernails now. Oh, she got me good earlier. I can get a little scratch on my throat. Wow, like a cat. This cat has claws. Now, you'll notice that I don't. I didn't have any tape, so this I had to tape up. Band-aids and stickers.

Band-aids and stickers and an elastic band. Are these new band-aids? Beautiful. Yep, yep, fresh band-aids. They're rat band-aids. Oh, I can already tell it's Dick Tracy related. Yeah, it is a Dick Tracy. Novelization? Novelization of the movie? Yeah. It is a Dick Tracy... Novelization?

Novelization of the movie? Yeah. A novel by Max Allen Collins. I just know how much you love that movie. We can read it to the baby. And if you look at the front page... To Dave and Abby, for the next three months, you will receive a different surprise basket to your door. Merry Holidays, Graham.

What? Thank you. Yeah, but I'm not going to tell you what the surprise baskets are. No Flex Magazine, but we'll see. Is it a homemade surprise magazine? A surprise magazine? Surprise thing? Surprise magazine is my favorite.

Surprise holiday basket? No, it's a... It's a service? It's a service. Oh, shit. So even I'm not... Like, I know what the categories I picked were, but I don't know what's going to be in there. Oh, shit. So even I'm not, like I know what the categories I picked were, but I don't know what's going to be. Oh, shit.

You shouldn't have. There'll be some interesting podcasts. We can go over the ingredients in the next few months. Yeah, I was going to open yours. Ingredients, by the way. Yeah, I get to open mine. This is a box, very nicely wrapped. You're welcome.

I'm looking at you. It was Margo. Margo looks like Somebody's gonna get Into crafts That's my feeling That's the read I'm getting That's profiling

Yeah but I'm a profiler Oh really Yeah that's what The FBI brings me in That's what the TV show Is about It was about Who plays the

Is it a woman It was a blonde woman She was on Sons of Anarchy I totally forget her name Now though Ally something I forget And she was just a racist She would just. I totally forget her name now, though. Allie something? I forget.

And she was just a racist. She would just profile people. She'd be like, huh. He did it. The blank guy did it. Now, this is a Hallmark keepsake. Yep. It's All-Star 2010.

Yep. It's got a picture of a black child in it. Yeah, we'll open it up. I can't wait to see. See whose picture is in it. This is All Star Kid is the name. All Star 2010. There we go. You open it up.

So exciting. It's an ornament. I don't own any ornaments. Ha ha! Yes, my own picture. And then... I'm the All Star Kid of 2010. And there's a button on it

uh-huh oh that's outstanding I bought that on eBay oh six months ago how did you find it were you were you searching all-stars

I think I was looking for Smash Mouth stuff on eBay as one does as one does oh so good and I think for the looking for Smash Mouth stuff on eBay. As one does. As one does. Oh, so good. And I think for the third year in a row, I've also made a selection of Secret Santa Christmas coupons. This is the greatest.

These are the greatest. Good for one river rafting trip with the boys. Yeah. You know, no questions asked. Yeah, deliverance style. Good for one minute knock you off your feet kiss. I googled what are on these usually. Love coupons.

Present this coupon and I will have a meaningful conversation with you instead of just reading the cue cards behind you. Saturday Night Lifestyle. Robert De Niro. This coupon is valid for one sexy massage, but it has to be one of those front-facing chairs in the mall. Yep. I don't understand anybody who does that. Who can relax?

Yeah. When people are... If you can relax that easily, you don't need a massage. I know. You need a Julius. This coupon is actually one of the better coupons in this book because of how much room it leaves for interpretation. That's a good one. Good one, Dad.

This is a good one. I'm going to use this word. Good for one compliment to make up for this insult, you pizza-faced fuck puzzle. Where did you come up with fuck puzzle? I don't know. It just came to me. Oh, wow. It's a gift. Present this coupon and I'll drop everything

and sing a cute duet with you. Yeah. Baby, when you're gone. Baby, when you're gone. I realize I'm in love. In love. Present this coupon and I will help you stop imagining your mother using the phrase creamed my jeans. Even though this coupon and i will help you stop imagining your mother using the phrase creamed my jeans

even though this coupon is the whole reason you can't stop imagining it yeah it's one of those catches 22 this coupon entitles you to one day without chores in fact i'm not gonna do any either let's live in filth that was a based on one that was googled Like actual love coupons Like we both just won't do chores Well, I added that part Hold on to this coupon until you die And you will go to heaven Where you will be treated to 72 bodacious virgins

And three ugly ones Sold This coupon changes everything How many more are there? Two more Present this coupon during an argument Sold. This coupon changes everything. How many more are there? Two more. Present this coupon during an argument, and you're right, I'm wrong. Case closed, because I don't have no principles, and I'll just agree with your brilliant logic.

Sometimes I'm just, some of these coupons are just filler. This one's really good. This coupon entitles you to one juicy piece of gossip. I'm talking real juicy. You'll hear it straight from the horse's disgusting juicy mouth. I heard it here first is what you'll say when you hear this juicy glistening nugget about a certain pulsating, sweaty, juicy so-and-so and the juicy golden baby he fathered out of wedlock. Oh, great.

Yeah. Great coupons. Well done. Great coupons. Great coupons. Great coupons. Do you have any great coupons? When you mentioned deliverance, it reminded me that I did.

There was one thing I bid on. There's a Burt Reynolds auction happening right now. This is like stuff that Burt Reynolds owned? Yeah, there was like so much art. Like he had so much art in his house. Wow. And then like autographed pictures from Cary Grant, autographed pictures from like everyone who was famous in the 70s.

Wow. Like Cary Grant. But like everyone who is still a movie star and still alive wow um and is he broke or something i don't know but it also i just went through like literally the whole thing of hundreds of stuff there was so much there were like six or seven portraits of Burt Reynolds by different people. There were a few portraits of Dom DeLuise. There was one

thing that was an award he won by the Goof Up Committee for a lifetime achievement in because of all the outtakes they put at the end of. Oh.

Smoking the Bandit. Yeah. Animal Run or something. I don't know. Uh, and he, he was like for a lifetime achievement of being like the best guy at goof ups. And. Uh, who would win that today? I wonder.

Oh boy. Uh, Jimmy Fallon. Oh yeah. Yeah. King of the goof ups um and the one thing that i was bidding on and i bid several hundred dollars on this thing yeah uh but it went for 826 dollars and i could not justify that us wow and it was a satin jacket oh yes from the wwf that was amazing that belonged to burt reynolds from one time it said burt on it from the oneF. That was amazing. That belonged to Burt Reynolds from one time.

It said Burt on it from the one time he went to, uh, WrestleMania. Oh, wow. Beautiful. Wow. Yeah.

Satin jackets, man. They were the thing. There was also a, uh, uh, I didn't bid on it, but I thought it was cool.

It was probably the best thing in the whole thing. I mean, he had weird, like custom made, like Navajo clothing. Oh yeah. It was probably the best thing in the whole thing. I mean, he had weird, like, custom-made, like, Navajo clothing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because he was like, I'm a Southwestern dude. But the coolest thing was Sally Field gave him this pocket watch as a marriage proposal. What?

You sell that? Did Sally Field and Burt Reynolds get married? I don't think so so so he turned her down i don't know i'm not like yeah weird we we're from the evening shade generation that couldn't understand oh he was the biggest star yeah it was weird uh there was um you know those uh books of facts that are like the bathroom readers or whatever uncle john's uncle john's yeah uh there's a list of the number one uh kind of movie stars by year starting like all the way back to 1930 or according to uncle john well according to like box office take okay and uh

burt reynolds was it three years in a row in the seventies. Yeah. He was like the biggest box office star in the world. Well, yeah, I, I, I accept it. No, I accept it as well, but yeah. Like I never knew him without a mustache. And then you go back and you see movies and like, oh yeah, I get it. He, yeah, he doesn't have a mustache in Deliverance. Yeah. But he, I only knew him from Even shade and then smoking the bandit and i

don't also maybe stroker ace there's a uh movie that is like uh he's a was he in cops and robertsons no that's chevy chafes oh chevy chafes uh what was it was a kid and a half or something yeah cop and a half it was a little kid Yeah, it was kindergarten cop and a half. Cop and a half. Do you know that they're making, speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger, they're making a sequel to Twins? Oh, yeah. Yeah. What?

That was 1988 that movie came out. Why? Is this a new phenomenon of sequels? I remember seeing Ghostbusters 2 and being like five years after the first one it seems a little long and now it's uh it's like dumb and dumber 20 years later and it's it's twins they find another twin it's danny devito and arnold schwarzenegger and then you know whoever that what's the third twin gonna look like nathan lane do you know who the third one is no please let it be like uh kumail nanjai i was thinking of some chinese guy or something yeah i guess that's not who i meant i mean someone more of a who's a movie star you know uh the guy from

big bang theory rise of tash yeah Dev Patel yeah and then there was oh they were also making another Terminator sequel and Schwarzenegger's in that oh for crying out loud

but his last one was gonna be the last one but this one he's all it's all computer like he looks younger than oh

cause he's riding cause he looked old in the last one he was in yeah he's riding the Holiday Express or whatever

yeah he is Polar He's riding the Holiday Express or whatever. Yeah, he is. Polar Express. Holiday Express. Holiday Inn Express. Oh, man. Do we want to move on to Overhertz? We do. Yay.

So we've got a Jumbotron message. Oh, what fun. It is to ride. Oh, something about one horse opens sleigh? Something about it Um Seems like it would be The slowest way

Yeah get another horse In there Yeah two horsepower Do you know how many Horsepower one horse has One Like 43 No that can't be right

Apparently No that must be The American system Oh yeah imperial horses In Canada one horse Equals one horse Um That's a unit of measure I will never understand.

Horse power? Yeah. Also- Acres? Stones. Oh, stones I get. Really? I think it's like 16, 14 pounds to a stone.

That's nonsense. I know. Because stones can be all sorts of different pound sizes. And like over there, they have pounds that means money. Oh, you forget it um hey happy birthday to callie from robot um i assume that's a nickname no no no it's from a robot i have no idea what you see in me this is the message happy birthday callie i have no idea what you see in me or why you stand by me. This is getting

heavy. Yeah. But I'm glad that you do and I hope that I make you happy as well. I hope this message brightens your day and I want you to know that there's at least a 17% chance that I'm thinking about my lime right now. What? Lime.

I guess so. I love you, Callie. I love i love you callie i am feeling human emotions for you short circuit i cannot stop thinking about my lime my robot sensory am i in love or am i in lime happy birthday and uh let's get back to the show overheards. This is all things considered. This is 99% invisible. We're listening to Pop Culture Happy Hour. It's Bullseye. The podcast Song Exploder does pretty much what its name suggests.

Musicians break apart songs so you can hear the pieces. Track by track. Instrument by instrument. How they were imagined, created, and built into a composition. And all of these artistic decisions are packed into this 11 or 12 minute show. It's really fascinating to hear them explain how they fit these pieces together. The concept is simple, but brilliant. Subscribe to Song Exploder at songexploder.net.

You can also find it on iTunes or wherever you download podcasts. Hey, everyone. We're The Flophouse, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. What is The Flophouse, you may very well ask? We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast?

Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up. Sick bird. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie.

Or discussions about sex tarps. songs like this one, a podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie, or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out and talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So, if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today, or visit MaximumFun.org

to follow the show. The Flophouse! Woo! Overheard Overheard is a segment in which all the people all the single ladies

all the single fellas all the marrieds so put your hands up and all the celibates they put they get together they use their ears their eyes

their other sense yeah they put their hands up to their ears so they can hear better. Like Hulk Hogan. Yeah. The Grinch does it too. Let's make it seasonal. Yeah, absolutely.

To hear the who's. The Grinch is your seasonal Hulk. Good call. Or Santa with muscles is your seasonal Hulk. Oh, that reminds me of another overheard. I'm going to do that overheard instead because it's seasonal. Oh, good. And we always like to start with the guest, but I've heard through the grapevine that you've got nothing.

I got nothing. You've been trapped at home. I barely leave the house. And when I do, it's all mom stuff. And it's not interesting. And now you leave the house in a car. And I'm in a car. I don't talk to people.

You only listen to radio commercials. And pretty soon radio Disney, right? I don't talk to people. You only listen to radio commercials. And pretty soon, Radio Disney, right? I don't think that's a thing here. Kids bop. Is there a baby channel here? I don't think so. Canadian baby channel.

We'll get satellite radio for her. Goo goo. You're listening. That's Lloyd Robertson. So we'll skip you Abby But thank you for coming I'm dim I got nothing

You're dim? Yeah Oh that's not true You're very bright You're very bright We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year So Dave

You take it Take the ball and run Take it daddy You're an all star Uh oh The dance is excellent That goes with it Hey guys, you're an all-star. Uh-oh. The dance is excellent. It goes with it.

How far does it go? Only shooting stars break the mold. What if it just did the next few verses? It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now. Wait till you get older. With the mini human. Big to differ. With the hole in your satellite picture.

The ice we skate. Getting pretty thick. Seasonal. Yeah. My Overheard took place on, well, I've got like a bunch written down. And there's one where I'm like, I don't remember writing this down. And there's one where I'm like, I don't remember writing this down. I just remember being in the store where someone was looking at a product and talking to a salesperson.

And they meant to say, are those any good? And instead they said, are those any nice? Yes. But that's going to count as Abby's. I'm using that towards Abby's. Thanks. But the day when I went down to a commercial drive. I'm using that towards Abby's. Thanks. But the day when I went down to a commercial drive and I snorted that chocolate, everything changed. You never go back.

Yeah, chasing that dragon. But I overheard these two people, I guess a man and a woman in their 40s, walking down the street. And the man was saying to the woman, you know I'm not driving anymore, right? I quit. I got tired of banging into walls. Well, it's good. It's probably for the best. You're banging into walls. I quit. I'm tired of all this

space. I'm tired of the restrictions of reality. Like walls and curbs and people. That's good, though, to know your limits. Yeah, hey. Know your limit. Play within it. Or accept your limitations anyway.

Like being like, all right, I'm not cut out for this. I keep bashing through walls. Yeah. I keep ending up on the news. Man drives into convenience store. Yeah, local idiot destroys property. Again. Local menace destroys convenience store. His license plate is L-D-B-R-N-G.

Load bearing? Question mark. Because that's what he always asks. Was this load bearing? Question mark. Because that's what he always asks. Was this load bearing? Yeah. Driving. It's a cool place. It is.

It's only getting colder. My overheard comes courtesy of being in Whistler. Okay. And it's very Christmassy. They really do lights and trees everywhere. It's very Christmassy. They really do lights and trees everywhere. It's very Winter Wonderland. I think the design of the village is based on German Christmas market. A lot of wood, a lot of cobblestones.

Yeah. cobblestones. Yeah, and it's the and like everything centered around like all the shops are kind of in circles around like a you know, there'll be a tree in one and some other thing. And it's all pedestrian. Like there's no cars driving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a very, it's somebody told me that like Disney has some sort

of association with Whistler. Sure. Like either that they bought the name Whistler or helped design like or with Whistler. Sure. Like either that they bought the name Whistler or helped design like, or that Whistler was designed after a Disney thing or whatever. Anyways. Matterhorn. Um, there,

there was a lady, I don't know where she was from. Uh, cause her English wasn't, wasn't great, but, uh, it was okay,

but she was trying to communicate to her kids that this one set of trees that were all lit up uh looked like the trees in whoville okay gotcha but she didn't know that that was the term and also she thought she kept calling it the granch so she was she was like it's the light. Look, the tree's from the Grinch. And I was like, well. I knew what she meant. Her kids were like, mom, stop yelling it.

Stop yelling this thing. Look, it's like the tree's from the Grinch. Anyways, great lady. Beautiful. Great time. Great fable. I wonder about that. When the parent is from another country, and then they have a child, and then the child grows up learning English.

In the culture, yeah. But the child will forever know how to read the mother's broken English, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah. Everybody I know that, it's weird that weird that like i know people who have grown up with parents that speak no english yeah so but do they speak the other language the kid yeah they had to because that's all their parents uh spoke at home or whatever and so but they can

flawlessly kind of go from speaking english with you to speaking whatever language with the parents. To bad-mouthing you with their parents. Yeah. Same breath. I told him to leave. He won't. Yes, he does smell terrible. It's the pheromones.

It's these rat pheromones. He thinks he's keeping the rats away, but he's actually attracting more. Yeah. He's keeping the rats away, but he's actually attracting more. Yeah. Now, we also get overheards and such sent in from people all over the world. Oh, and I'm assuming these will all be seasonal as well. And that season will be the summer.

Yeah, these are mostly from June. June is the mother from Cleaver Beaver Hands Yeah Cleaver Beaver Hands Oh I'm sorry I'm the bad guy Yeah but June Cleaver had Beaver Hands Yeah Gross Oh come on

You're the one We're talking the animal from Canada From Radio Canada Disney Hello this is a beaver Goo Goo You're listening to Kid Radio Canada Disney Yeah Hello this is a beaver Goo goo Gaga You're listening to Kid Radio Canada

Kid Radio Canada Welcome citizen Um Your cooperation is appreciated Here let me open this door for you Yeah Now we're gonna play a sound effects album Yeah

This is ice breaking This is a car skidding This is snow falling Silent right Yeah Snow falling On cedars Oh you smell like cedar

Um This first one Comes from Uh Richard In Brooklyn Brooklyn New York Oh

BK Uh So this is a. Does he know Jay-Z? Yeah, probably. He goes to the, what is it called? The Shiraz Center? The Marcy Project?

The Shiraz Center? Yeah, the Shiraz Center. It's based on a grape. I walk my dog around my neighborhood several times per day and almost every time for years i've walked over a patch of sidewalk that someone had written into with their finger when the concrete was uh wet and so he's never seen what it said before until the dog went over and peed right next to it and he finally got to see what the inscription was as the dog filled it with urine and uh it was something plus something and uh when he looked closely took time to read what it was it said uh poop plus butt oh yeah true love forever true love forever exactly has there ever been a truer love match made in heaven

this has been a poop heavy episode well you know what tis the season but if it comes up organically like poop yeah this next one comes from Rebecca S Rebecca Stamos yeah oh right

we've been spending too much time together. Rebecca is from Columbus, Ohio. I was at a music festival and overheard a girl say, on a scale from one to seven, with five being the highest, it was a two. She's doing a bit. Yeah, that's pretty good. We wish her the best Mmhmm

Uh Music festivals Yeah There's not too many winter ones Actually there are Are there There do winter festivals All across this

This land of ours I'm excited It's winter like ten months of the year Right Yeah So you gotta You gotta do it I'm excited for the

What is that weird thing The Red Bull Where they skate downhill? Oh, yeah. Oh, crushed ice? Crushed ice. Crushed ice. Yeah.

Red Bull crushed ice is what you order. Can I get some crushed ice on that? That's happening in Edmonton this year. Oh, your hometown's sister city. This last one comes from Tim A. Oh. He's a real A. Tim A. from the Santa Claus a real A. Tim A.

From the Santa Claus. All Star. Not Alan? I overheard this the other day when I was working a day shift in a quiet pub. There was one table, a table with four burly rig workers still in work gear. They were talking amongst themselves, and one of them loudly proclaimed, You add some basil and cilantro and you fucking up your mayonnaise game bro oh yeah bro yeah absolutely stop just spreading mayonnaise just on

regular mayonnaise you got some cilantro up in there oh baby's going crazy um i'm i'm just opening this uh dick tracy book to see if you can read the end. Yeah. I want to know if the kid goes by kid at the end. Hey, kid. Are you one of the last line of the novel? Was that? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Oh, geez. Ah, I'm just reading up the page. There's the line. Don't be a dumb dick. But the last line is is uh um which was when dick tracy was at his happiest anyway ah being crooks yep yeah yeah uh tort Torturing interrogation people. You know what I realized?

I was super excited for the show Gotham, and yet I've never watched it. Yeah. I was like, oh, that'll be really good. Sure. Have you seen it? Maybe five minutes of it. Okay. I thought it was called Gotham.

It was about this new superhero, the crow. was about this new superhero, the crow. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. You want to call us? Hey, it's your Christmas prerogative. From Bobby Brown's Christmas album?

Yeah. It's my holiday prerogative. Yeah, he did all. Don't be cruel santa uh name 10 more bobby brown's uh no uh santa's not humping around yeah uh roni looks up about a pony that he wanted for grisman and brony yep sure um and uh on our own, but about the telephone. Pretty good. I mean, not everything can be. There's only like six Christmas words and most of them are the names of angels. I mean, Lucifer. Fallen angels. Gabriel. here are your phone calls hi podcast this has been calling in

with an overheard from gainesville florida i was just in the grocery store with my friend when her daughter says to the cashier please excuse me i need to go home so i can wash my mom's body oh wow it's it's it's the phrasing it's the body yeah gotta go wash my mom's body her face is her business but yeah yeah excuse me i handle the body stuff yeah we've got i got people on the limbs i'm'm straight torso. Just front and back. Got people on the ones and twos. Oh, man. Yeah. You know what?

I've never had to bathe another person. We only just started. Yeah. It's easy. It's easy when they weigh 12 pounds. Oh, yeah. It must be very tough with a full- a full full-size human yeah to maneuver i mean at least the full-size humans will i mean in the in in it you think they'll cooperate i was like in an ideal situation but if it's an ideal situation they're washing themselves yeah that's

but they would cooperate and they would help you out. I wonder. Like, I wonder if they could. Like, if they can't bathe themselves, then, like, how much are you, even if they're willing. Yeah, but then maybe you can be like, can you lean this way? Yeah, yeah, maybe. Here comes the choo-choo train. I'm not, yeah. And it's a sponge. You lied to me.

There was no choo-choo train. Coming in for a landing on your butt. Here's your next phone call, fellas. Hey, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Karen from Oakland. Oh, this isn't an overheard at all. I don't have overseen or overheard or a drunk dial, but I have Hulk Hogan news.

It's a Hulk Hogan news? It's Hulk Hogan news. I just woke up five minutes ago to a text message from my friend that he was on a flight with Hulk Hogan. This is real. And Hulk Hogan was viewing his old wrestling photos on his phone. And that's pretty awesome.

I would too if I had that extensive of a database of Hulk Hogan pictures. You'd be there for days. In fact, you can regularly be spotted looking at Hulk Hogan photos on your phone. That's true. I don't mind it. I don't hate it at all. Hulk Hogan on an airplane?

He's like a really big dude. What? He's like big, muscly, and he's like 6'2 or something. Hmm, I haven't, I've never heard this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only heard accounts of him. I've never seen photographs.

Does he have actual pythons? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got pythons for arms. Oh, no. He's alive. Oh, yeah. Speaking of which. Was that the name of the show? Yeah, that really didn't pan out. Just started breaking his arm, and he's like, okay, we're stopping. Oh, this snake is breaking my python. Oh, the irony.

No, he got eaten alive. Yeah. Well, he didn't. He just got his helmet. He just started eating his helmet. That's enough, though. No, I wanted him in. You wanted him to be like, smells real bad in here.

Yeah. I wanted to hear it from the outside, like them booming the snake and him yelling like, Oh, I see you. There's a bit of Lincoln's gold is in here. Okay. Some buried treasure. Yep. Here's your final overheard of 2014.

It really is, isn't it? No. Hi, David Graham and probably Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, you wish. Andrew calling in from Ithaca, New York with an overheard. I was in Home Depot getting some lumber, and I walked past a woman who was talking on her cell phone, lumber and I walked past a woman who is talking on her cell phone and the side of the conversation I heard went something like person one said something on the other end, person two, woman

maybe in her 30s said, ew, no, gross. I'm in love, so we call them toots. I still call them growlers. Love or no. Wow, this was a perfect episode. Yeah. Toots. Yeah.

Cute. I'm in love. Yeah. We're in love. We're planning on getting married. Yeah. Put toots in your wedding vows. I promise to smile every time you toot.

Oh, what a wonderful, what a wonderful set of Christmas overheards. Yeah. It's a wonder. Abby, when we do Christmas in Vancouver, Abby always has to come with my family to our church. Yeah. My childhood church. And on Christmas Eve, there's a big pageant. A pageant, yeah.

And there's like a thing that's repeated four or five times. Everyone in the audience has to, or the congregation, has to repeat it all together. It's a wonder. Like an infomercial. Yeah, exactly. This is what Abby thinks Christmas is. It's a wonder.

It's a wonder. I, yeah, I didn't, I kind of stalled out on watching Christmas movies. I watched a few really bad ones and then I just. That'll do it. Last one I watched was the Santa Claus 2. What's the gist of that one? He has to get married. He has to find a Mrs. Claus.

Oh boy, this one clause in that one business contract that Santa left him. Complicated. Had a lot of sub-clauses. The thing is, it's like a reverse. He's on a submarine. Turn your key, Santa.

I concur. No, he's a submissive. Oh, he's a a submarine no he has to find his turn your key Santa I concur no he's a submissive oh he's a submissive oh yeah sub sandwiches he there's too many yeah

too many meanings but he gets married to her and then he turns into Santa Claus it's like a reverse Beauty and the Beast where it's like you broke the spell. Now you're married to a fat old guy. Who works one day a year.

Am I right? Anyways. Then does she become like fat Mrs. Claus? Yeah, there's a scene where she does a dance number. Does she get those tiny little glasses? Yep. So bangable. Oh yeah, that's a thing too is like sexy christmas time gross what do you mean you know people who try and like elf yeah or like the santa and like a you know the scent the furry lingerie

oh i'm so sick of seeing that furry lingerie it's just I don't know it's just weird yeah no I agree like it's just I can't mix the signals honestly like I'm tired of these

people taking the crates out of Christmas I want more Santa sexy swaddling bands take the yeah

stop putting the crotch into Christmas as well taking the crotch out of Christmas. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Abby, this was so much fun. Oh, it's a good time. You had one eye on the microphone, one eye on the baby.

This is modern parenting. She's chilling on the floor. She's having fun. She's got a ribbon. She's happy. Yeah, that ribbon. I wonder if that's going to be the weird thing that she likes, just like a piece of ribbon. It's the one she likes?

Yeah. Because, you know, babies will do that, right? They'll just grab onto a thing and you're like, well, you just always like playing with this light bulb, so we just let you play with it. You put it in your butt, but. No, no, no, no. I'm reading the Motley Crue book. Yes. Yes.

The Dirt. book. Yes. The Dirt. The most famous part is the part where they put their wieners in burritos. Yeah, yeah. But that happens in a paragraph. There's no lead up to it. No, it's just the best kind of anecdote. The whole book is just

like they throw these things out the whole time that are like, we were getting bored. So we just started eating light bulbs whole. We were bored. So Ozzy snorted a line of ants. Yeah.

Good. There is this whole story about Nikki Sixx overdosing. Have you got to that? This is like the best. Because he ODs. he gets sent to the hospital and then he checks himself out and he sees these two girls in motley crew t-shirts crying and he's like what's wrong and they're like nicki six died and he's like i'm nicki six and then he goes home and he thinks it's so funny that people think he's dead.

And he records an outgoing message that says like, hey, this is Nikki Sixx. I'm dead. And then he goes into the bathroom and finds his secret supply of heroin and overdoses again. Oh, man. Those guys are the best. I'm dead. There's a lot of stories that are like Vince Neal

crashes his car naked and gets thrown out of his Porsche and this old couple picks him up on the side of the street and he's all naked and like gets thrown out of his his porsche and this old couple picks him up on the side of the street and he's all naked and bloody and and then it's like i don't know what nicky said to them or like what vince said to them on that ride like well i would like to know there's a lot of just throwing that the rest of the story away i don't know what happened next i love that book i would reread would reread that yeah

just it just came out on kindle oh awesome um we have anything oh uh there's an interesting thing that uh jesse thorn sent us an email of a link to a maximum fun database oh. Oh, yeah. It's really neat. Yeah, and it's got a list of everyone who's been on the show, everyone who's been on every show, and it's the top guests across all the MaxFun podcasts. Oh, sweet. It's maxfundb.com, I think, or.org. Oh, this baby's going insane.

She's super excited for this database. Database? I hope that's're excited for this database. Wee-wee-wee. Database. Database. I hope that's her first word, database. She's good at making the noises from that Aaliyah song. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

I think she's losing it. Well, we can wrap it up. Abby. Yes. Thank you so much for being our guest. My pleasure. And have a happy Christmas to you. Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays. All that stuff. Graham, do you have anything to plug? Oh, that one-man show I'm doing in Toronto. Graham Clark reads the phone book. Do you have any holiday gigs coming up? I mean, I'm at the Comedy Mix on New Year's Eve. In Vancouver?

Yep. And I'll be there with Ivan Decker and Kyle Bottom and Chris Gordon. Yeah, get it. Almost as fun as a one-horse open sleigh. Nothing's quite as fun. Yeah. Way to ride.

Abby, do you have anything you'd like to plug? I always like to plug all the listeners and stuff who've sent us cards and presents and well wishes. And we've gotten a lot of awesome stuff from a lot of super awesome people. So we're very grateful. Yeah. It's been a good year between max fun con and it has been a good year all my friends on instagram and stuff that's great thanks everybody and speaking of stuff sent in i noticed that uh eli mason sent you some yeah they're in the fridge

oh yeah they uh some uh cordials or yeah they sent a couple mixers and they're great i think i made a mistake on the last time they advertised on the show. I think I referred to Manhattan as having simple syrup. Why did people jump on you for that? I meant an old-fashioned. But you know what? I can make my Manhattan whatever way I want. That's true. You could just make it a Shirley Temple and call it a Manhattan.

I was referring to Manhattan Beach, Florida. Dr. Manhattan from The Watchers. Yeah. The thing he drinks. Yeah. Manhattan from the Watchmen. Yeah. The thing he drinks. Yeah. So thanks everybody for listening. If you like the show,

please do tell your friends and come on back next week for the last episode of 2014. Now stop podcasting yourself. Ooh! Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.