Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 354 - Kyle Bottom

Episode Date: December 30, 2014

Kyle Bottom returns to talk the most popular competitive trading card game on the planet, Christmas trees, and Skittles.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 354 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man, the only man in this room without a beard, Mr. Dave Shumka. Well, I didn't shave today. Oh yeah, you are looking a little bit woolly.

Here's my shaving schedule. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Yeah. And then Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday. Those are the days I wash my hair. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's either a shave or a hair wash.

Exactly. Two bits. Absolutely, yeah. Never, never do it the same. No. Net one. Sometimes, always, never. Here's a question.

Go on. Tell me if this is funny. I'm laughing already at the premise. Okay. All right. Strap yourselves in. Yeah. Johnny Galecki Macca is a thing to say.

Yes, it's funny. On a Big Bang Theory Christmas day. Yeah, I mean, you know, the rest will come, but it's a great premise. The money will come. Do what you know, the rest will come, but it's a great premise. The money will come. Do what you love and the money will come. Our guest today, returning guest, very funny man, who since the last time he was on, traveled away from here. He's traveled back. Yes.

Traveled a little bit around. Then has been trapped. Doesn't just stay in one. Why doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore? Nope. But it'd be nice to see Kyle Bottom at my door. Pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah. That's, that's a great one. Thanks for being our guest. Oh, thanks for having me back. Oh, well, should we get to know us? Probably. Yeah. Get to know us.

Now, actually, every time Kyle's on the show, he talks about traveling around. Normally, it's around the World of Warcraft. Yes. That's actually been, that's come up every time I've been on the show. I know. Well, yeah, it's a natural. We always talk about video games. Yep.

But you traveled away. You went to, you went and lived in another city. Yeah, I moved to Toronto. And what's the World of Warcraft like in Toronto? Oh, it's much of the same. Nothing changes in the World of Warcraft. That's why you love it. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. I actually don't play anymore. No? No. What do you do now? Oh, a lot of math. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah's true. I actually don't play anymore. No? No. What do you do now? Oh, a lot of math. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, I stopped playing WoW, but I play League of Legends now. I think I mentioned that on the last time I was here. So, lol. Yeah, lol. No more WoW, all lol. Yeah, switched up my WoW from a lol. Yeah, and I just do that that and i work from home and uh well i play some hearthstone as well what do you what is hearthstone that sounds like a place you get uh pizza oh yeah what do you want on your hearthstone the hearthstone grill

yeah hearthstone stone it's um it's like a simplified uh form of magic the gathering essentially it's like it's it of Magic the Gathering, essentially. It's a card game. Follow-up question. Yep. What's Magic the Gallery? The Gallery. Ooh, Magic the Gallery is a good name for an art gallery.

For a magician-owned art gallery. I find it hard to believe that you don't know what Magic the Gathering is. I know of it, but I don't really understand it. It's the most popular competitive trading card game on the planet. Except for Yu-Gi-Oh. It's more popular than Yu-Gi-Oh. Pokemon. More popular than Pokemon.

Pogs. It's way more popular than Pogs. Gin Rummy. Oh, I forgot about Gin Rummy. It's the second most competitive card game on the planet. It's a second most competitive card game on the planet. It's a trading card game. So it's just you have a deck of cards and you shuffle it up and you.

You're like, oh, I got Brian Leach rookie card. Yeah. He's from Corpus Christi, Texas. Look at all the stats on the back. Yeah. He won the Calder trophy. Yeah. And you swing that rookie card into your opponent and see if they can defend or destroy it. So you get the card and then it's got a picture of whoever on the front,

and then it's got its statistics, what it can do? Yeah, that's all on one side of the card. The back side of the card is generic backing. Oh, I see. So do you play it like poker? Do you sit around like you don't want people to know what cards you have? Exactly. There's a lot of similarities. Do you ever fish your wish?

What is that? Oh, is that like... It's from Go Fish. It's the most popular competitive card game in the... So, it's not a game where you buy cards. Oh yeah, you do.

You have to get cards to trade cards. So it's not a deck of cards. You don't like, you know, I've got a, you can buy pre-made decks, but most people just buy a lot of like random, like sealed packs of cards and open them up to see what they get.

Okay. And then you build a collection with that and you can build decks. Now, just for the listener, I have to assume at some point we stopped talking about this no no no you're wrong so just hang in there guys you're listening to the magic hour does the house always win when you're no you don't play it in a casino why not has there been a new casino game like since not since we've been well there's like, there's like Sex and the City slot machines.

Yeah, but that's not, you know what I mean, like a new Sorry, someone is sawing logs outside and we all looked at our phones like they were vibrating and then we all looked at like the dehumidifier. Someone's sawing logs in here.

Dave's getting bored. The listeners sawing logs. But where does this happen? Like if it doesn't happen in grade eight. Have you seen us? Fuck you, Dave. It happens like at card shops

and if it's a big enough event, like they'll rent out convention centers and stuff like that. Really? And is it just like an excuse for people to get together and like ask, you know, well,

what does a boob feel like? No, no. That's sexist. There's, there's a lot of women who play magic and also there's, they know what a boob feels like. Oh boy.

You were way off. Yeah. They're coming to ask totally different questions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're coming to ask totally different questions. Yeah. Yeah. No, like, there's prize money on the line and all sorts of things like that. Really? Yeah, but not, like, in the same sense that poker has prize money.

Like, people, like, a lot of people, there are crossover players. Like, there's people that play poker for money and they play magic for fun. Because there's a lot of... Oh, what a life they lead. Poker is a game. Magic is a gathering. You know? Yeah, that's true.

Has there ever been anything that was described as a gathering that was not made fun of? The Juggalos. I was just about to say, not the gathering of the Juggalos. I was watching. Did I talk about this on the podcast where I watched a poker game on TV and one of the chugalos oh i i was watching did i talk about this on the podcast where i watched a poker game on tv and one of the guys you know how like it's just a bunch of kooky characters that do the the poker circuit okay i wouldn't call them kooky characters i'd call them like oh it's a good thing he's found something to do other than be a sex offender. But it was Jennifer Tilly was at the table.

Oh, celebrity poker. Well, no, she was the only celebrity. The rest were all just regular poker guys. But one of them was having, he was on a massage table. He was having a massage during the game. It was the greatest thing I've ever seen. I don't know if I. Like he was looking through a thing.

Like a face hole thing. Right, at his cards. Yeah. was looking through a thing like oh face hole thing right at his cards yeah that is that's i feel like you're masseuse or masseur see how sexist i'm not yeah um or a third kind yeah dog dog masseuse um female or male dog uh they could see other people's cards and then like squish you a certain amount of time and then like oh if if it's a jack then they give you a happy ending unless that maybe that was his tell every time he's got a good hand he gets a massage get over here bernice um wow so i didn't i didn't realize that uh because so you buy cards, you bring your own cards.

There's not a dealer that deals out cards. You just like, and I've got this. Yeah. Orc. I assume orcs are in there. Uh, yeah. Well, it's more like goblins. Uh.

Ghosts? Yeah, sure. There's like spirits. Ghouls. No, I want ghosts. Uh, I, okay. We'll go with, there could be some ghouls. Jackalopes.

There's no... Demons. Yeah, demons. Balrogs. No Balrogs. Chuds. What's a chud? Oh, a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller.

Yeah, yeah. A lot of chuds. You got to make room for chuds. Chuds, gremlins boglins slime time um so do you is that like do you do that you do that the magic the gathering like as a social uh yeah i've i do it sometimes i mostly play hearthstone now which is just like an online version that's like a little bit simpler. Okay, less of a gathering.

Yeah, there's no real gathering. There's no cards. Well, they are, but they're digital. Ah, digital cards. Digimon. Yeah. So then you went to Toronto. Yep.

How was it? It was great Like Toronto's a really cool city Name three cool things about it Vapor Central That's a good place to get your vape on Yeah Oh, that's my favorite

That's my favorite place to hang out That is a big thing that's happening here Of like a business goes out of business And then the next thing it opens up is a vape place yeah and i'm not certain exactly what that is oh well the vape places in vancouver are all just like weird places where you can buy those uh e-cigarettes and like different oils to put in them or whatever but vapor central in toronto is um a big uh vaporizer lounge similar to the third floor of the like above the amsterdam hotel where the bc marijuana party headquarters is this is a marijuana yeah it's a place where you can go

and use like one of their vaporizers because like the vape pen thing that is that thing that's that's that's new that's nicotine right the vape? I think for the most part. I'd never. It's not pot. I don't know, man. Because I've seen like business guys smoking it. Yeah. Are they getting high? I don't think so.

I mean, I don't know much about vape pen culture, but. Offer them a drum and see if they take it. Did vape pen play Kumar? Yeah. Vapor Central has like volcano vaporizers which are for cooking marijuana and filling up a giant plastic bag of like weed burnings and putting your hamsters

in there. Yeah. Let them roll around. So what, like you go, you put the thing on the vaporizing machine. Yeah. Fills up this balloon. You know this is going out to the internet. People are going to know that you know things about drugs oh oh my gosh yeah uh also i thought uh vape what is it called vape central vapor central i thought that was just the thing that you made up like like you say that a city is like oh yeah the big smoke or no yeah

you know like this place is is like getting laid central. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like you just say central after something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it really was. It was a real place. One of my favorite places to hang out. I have a year membership.

So when I go back in the spring, I can go back. And yeah, it's just a place where you can go any time of day. They have pretty long hours. They're not open all night long, though. Because they get sleepy. Yeah, exactly. But, yeah, you can just go there and you can smoke pot and hang out. And they've got, like, a bunch of TV screens up and they show, like, cartoons and movies.

But they also, at night, they do a lot of comedy shows there. Oh. There's a number of comedy shows. Like, Brian O'Gorman runs one on Wednesdays. I know that guy. Hunter Collins runs one on Thursdays. Oh, yeah. And I did both those shows, and I loved them.

And I love performing for people that are really stoned. Now, is it a requirement that you also are on the pot? No. In fact, a lot of comics come in. They don't force feed you? No. A lot of comics come in to do the show, and they don't smoke pot. And just being in the room is enough to like get you a

little bit high because there's just so much pot smoke like yeah yeah i've done a show like that before and i felt like halfway through like yeah i'm losing interest in myself talking yeah i've where oh what are the places were there any shows here that had like there was two which ones there there used to be at this like um marijuana dispensary on Howe Street. That's the one I went to. There was just a weed show there, and it was kind of weird. I didn't know that this dispensary had a huge back room to it. But then the other one was at the BC Marijuana Party headquarters, which was above the Amsterdam.

Oh, like a second floor show? It was a third floor show. Oh. Yeah, it was just like they had their main room where they have like the vaporizers on the table and then they had this little side room where they did comedy because i played in a band and we played at the amsterdam cafe oh cool and it was uh and it's like i guess you're allowed to smoke pot there yeah and they sell brownies and you're not sure um but uh it's the art on, like they have got these frescoes of Bob Marley and

like Jerry Garcia. Yeah. Yeah. That's, uh, now that's, that's my question, but I like the whole world of, uh, like selling pot is like rapidly changing. Yeah. So like, is it still going to be like, if you're just somebody who wants to go and buy some pot and you're like,

you know, downtown business person, do you have to go into a place that there's Bob Marley on the wall? You always have, I think. No, I know, but you used to have to go to like a dude's house that had a Bob Marley

poster. Yeah. But like, is that going to be done away with? Oh, and it's going to be like. Well, yeah. Just like more like, you know, going into a whatever, a pharmacy or a convenience store. I think is if Vancouver is any indication, then that's where we're headed.

Because when I left Vancouver, there was like three dispensaries and I came back and there's like 45 or something like that. Like they're all over the place. Can anybody open up a dispensary? I guess maybe. Yes. Pretty sure. It feels like, yeah. But you have to pick a dumb name or like a super new agey name.

Or, but it has to have, you have to have a neon sign with a pot leaf or a joint. Or some kind of word of compassion. What about like, yeah. Like, wow. How come nobody's branded it with like a character? Like, Smiling Eddie's

joint check. You know, something like that. Yeah. They're all, they're all very kind of, yeah. The noid is trying to

steal all of my doobies. The cannabinoid. Yeah. Well, the noid's not doing anything These days No Oh that's why he stole so many pizzas

Oh right Because he was so high on the pot Yeah Yeah Yeah He loved pizza that guy He probably would love weed too Yeah

Um Do And what do you have to have A note You have to have a doctor Like a prescription A note from your mommy Does it have to be a note

From your mommy Yeah Cow needs his Doobies Why does the mom Sound like that yeah my mom is not a baby you're right i think it's all yeah like doctor's notes or something like that bull's notes yeah i don't know i don't know anything i haven't been i just know there was one that was across the alley from where i used to

live yeah and uh the the side effect of having a dispensary across the alley from where you live is a bunch of idiots are always in the alley just standing around talking really loud yeah yeah that'll happen yeah so that's not uh you know talking really loud about garbage just like at least be interesting if you're going to be that loud. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but like there were, there were shows that I did in Vancouver. I guess they weren't like pot places,

but I feel like anytime that there's a place, uh, a comedy venue that has like really comfy couches. Yeah. Uh, the audience is, is half asleep. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. If they're yeah yeah definitely if they're uh if they're stoned then it's like doubly so i mean doubly half asleep well uh performing at vapor central they have big comfy couches and it was not uncommon for people to just be like like sleeping during the show and then comics get up and tend to like you know make fun of the people while they're asleep and wake them up. Draw dicks on their faces. Draw verbal dicks on their faces. On their own faces. Yeah.

Am I freaking you out? When you went to sleep, I didn't have this on my face. So that's one cool thing about Toronto. I need two more. Okay. Hangover Sundays at the Cloak and Dagger. Tell me more. Oh, this is like your lonely planet guide.

Yeah, this was my favorite thing to do on Sundays. My girlfriend and I would go to this show at the Cloak and Dagger, which is just on the north end of Kensington Market. Yeah. It's right across the street from Kensington Market. Is it a spy-based place? Or is it based on the Henry,

what's the kid from E.T.? He was in a movie. Oh, yeah, with the action figure that like. With Dabney Coleman coming to life. Yeah. No, I think it's just like, I don't know. They just, you know, like a lot of, if you're opening a pub, you need two things. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The elephant and dove. Do you know where that comes from? No. I guess like in old timey places, people couldn't read. So they just put like a pig and whistle on the side. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense the elephant

taking a dump yeah oh that's not what it's supposed to be it's the sitting elephant you idiots

I wrote it on the side can you read so hangover sundays at the cloak and dagger was a 7pm

show and it takes place in the not in the pub itself but in like the back people still hung Hangover Sundays at the Cloak and Dagger was a 7 p.m. show. And it takes place in the, not in the pub itself, but in like the back. Are people still hungover by 7 p.m.? Oh, yeah. If you did Saturday, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You did it Kesha style.

It's in the back courtyard of the pub with no mic. They have a light, but there's no mic. And there's a, they do have a stage. So it's just like a small like maybe a 30 person venue with like picnic tables and all that sort of thing and uh a great comedy show every week and the best part of hangover sundays yeah is that the pub has a ten dollar all you can eat taco buffet oh wow you best believe i was making some tacos Soft shell hard shell Both I mean double decker

Oh yeah I take the soft shell put refried beans on it Wrap it around a hard shell load it up $10 all you can eat I could eat a lot of tacos for $10 Yeah you can eat a lot of tacos Yeah man that sounds great Is it called hangover sundaes

Because of the fun food And the fact that there's no loud noises because there's no microphone? Yeah, exactly. And there's an all-you-can-drink Gatorade bar. Yeah. There's Tylenol on every table. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah, that was fun.

I did that show once, but then otherwise I would go watch it almost every week. You were just there for the tacos. I was mostly there for the tacos. That delicious why is there no all you can eat taco bar in vancouver yeah i don't know they should open run right next door to a dispensary am i the only one that's thinking about that grill and chill or whatever that place what's that ill and grill oh mega ill yeah miguel uh because they it's like a dispensary and a pizza place oh they get you coming and going interesting yeah i don't know how orthodox it is but yeah i think they put up a sign that said uh uh pizzeria and pizzeria was spelled wrong so they took a sign did they

spell it like diarrhea but with a P. Yeah, good. They're like, we can't be a pizzeria anymore, guys. We spelled it wrong. Okay, so that's two. Two wonderful things about Toronto. Oh, that was it. I only had two. Oh, no.

Oh, no. And so then you left. You left Toronto. You said, thanks for nothing, Hangover Sundays. Yeah. Well, no, You said Thanks for nothing Hangover Sundays Yeah No I said Thanks for the tacos Yeah And this show was really enjoyable

Yeah thanks Thanks for all the memories Double fingers Yeah Vapor Central Yeah And then you came And you come back

Yeah I came back to Came back to Vancouver That's nice to have you back Oh thanks It's nice to be back And you were just in the Seattle comedy competition I was indeed

Now This is a weird Comedy competition Yeah Like it's nice to be back and you were just in the seattle comedy competition i was indeed now this is a weird comedy competition yeah like it's not a but when people think of a if like you told your friends i'm in this comedy competition they'll be like okay i'll come tonight and then yeah but no it's it's like a month long yeah and it's all over the state of washington and there's different judges every night and and it's very mathematical, the way that they score it and everything. But I actually liked it. And people get eliminated as you go. Yeah.

So you do your preliminary week, which is like 16 comics doing five to seven minutes. Those shows are hella long. Yeah. And at the end of the week, the top five comics for the week move on. And that's based on your scores for the entire week, which is six shows in six days, minus your worst score for the week.

Oh, boy. Yeah. And they have this thing. Like these numbers, just I checked out. Yeah. But every night you get a, what's it called? The audience points or the applause points?

The encore point. Encore point. Yeah. And that's like, after you leave the stage, the host goes, give it up for, you know, whoever. And then if the audience, like most people just do it a five count, like if the audience claps to five seconds, then you're good. Right. In the final round, our host made them clap for 10 seconds, which nobody claps for 10 seconds.

I wouldn't even do that for the queen. And I'm a huge fan of the queen. Yeah. But seven seconds is all I can give her. Yeah. Then my hands become raw. Yeah. Boy, have you ever been somewhere where people clap too long?

And like they mean it. Yeah. And you're not feeling it. And you're like, oh, can we cut it out yet yet am i a bad guy if i want to sit down let's give them a sitting ovation yeah i always feel weird when uh i'm in an audience i'm like like four people stand up to do a standing on like really yeah i throw my change at them. Sit down. Yeah, I don't, I mean, there's very few things that I've seen where at the end I felt like, well, I felt the need to stand because I'd been sitting for so long.

But not, you know, like I've never been roused. Yeah, when there's a standing ovation and everyone else stands up, I usually stand up and start collecting my coat, my program. Yeah, I give a walking up the aisle ovation. That would be great if people clapped as they left. I'd accept that. That'd be fine. So you did very well in the competition.

Yep. It was funny, though, because at the end of the preliminary week, I was fourth place for my week. Oh, no. And at the end of the semifinal week, I was fifth place for my week. But then in the finals, I finished second overall, which was good. Wow. Yeah, I was happy with it. Second is good.

That's amazing. There's a lot of people, too, who are like little conspiracy theorists about it. As soon as I got back to town, they're like, you know, Kyle, if you were American, you would have won. And I was like, no, that's not how it works. You're like, no, I wore an American flag pair of pants every night. There's no way they could have known. Yeah, I put a Roman candle through my zipper every night and shot fireworks at the audience. Out of my American flag pants.

Yeah. And I had an eagle puppet that was a flag pack. Yeah. And I had an eagle puppet. It was a real eagle. Yeah. No, because that's the great thing about the contest is the way it breaks down mathematically every night. You can track your progress over the week. And what else are you going to do? It's very transparent. You've got nothing else going on.

Yeah, you're just going to sit there and think about your scores. Yeah. Yeah, so it was great. The guy I lost to was very funny. And he beat me by a pretty good margin it was 0.29 on the week stop it math math math math but no i'll even point to nine i don't even out of what um 10 000 the the nightly scores are out of why did i yeah why did you, Dave? The nightly scores are out of 11. Uh-huh. And it's your four best scores.

Are they sawing logs outside or is that me? So if you think about it, like your score at the end of the week is going to be like 42.85. So, yeah, the difference in total scores is very slight. This is for all the years you didn't do your homework. Oh, my God. Yeah. Now, when you're an out-of-towner, you have to find a place to stay. Yeah.

You did in the competition. I did it years ago. I had to stay in a motel by the airport during the last week because— The week of sadness. It was because none of my friends were there anymore it was just the competition there was no fun stuff in the off hours and uh that man that bus ride from the airport into town scary scary yeah i bet one night a guy spat on me tried to start a fight. Whoa. Yeah, it was so terrible. It was so terrible.

And there was a car accident right out in front of my motel, and somebody died. So it was just like, and it was like during Thanksgiving down in the States, so everything was closed except the Denny's, which I ate at three meals a day every day for a week. Fun week. So grueling. But you got to stay at a very cool guy's place. Yeah, Peter week. Fun week. Ugh. So grueling. But you got to stay

at a very cool guy's place. Yeah. Peter Gray. Peter Gray. Who's the talent coordinator. He, I stayed at an Airbnb

for the first week and then Peter hosted me for the last. How was your Airbnb experience? It was great. Oh.

I really liked it. Oh. Yeah. I thought the people we stayed with were really nice. The place was. They were there at the time? Well, yeah. They lived, we just stayed in their basement it. Oh. Yeah. I thought the people we stayed with were really nice. The place was. They were there at the time? Well, yeah.

They lived. We just stayed in their basement basically. Oh, okay. But we were allowed to go upstairs and like get coffee or whatever. And they provided us with like simple stuff like English muffins. Simple syrup. Yeah. Corn syrup.

Bananas. Things that you could slide under the door. Pancakes. Waffles. Cheese slices. bananas things that you could slide under the door pancakes waffles cheese slices yeah all your flat food yeah um yeah there were it was a great experience we had a good time there and there was lots of fat squirrels in the backyard that i used to watch because they had bird feeders, but the squirrels would just like get on them and shake them until the seeds fell everywhere. Ah, classic.

And just, yeah, fatten up for winter. Beautiful. Yeah. I think we're all working on getting, on fattening up for winter. Yeah. Yeah. I've been, my doctor said to eat twice as much.

Yeah. Said eat twice as much, walk at least like half as much. Yeah. My doctor gave me a prescription that I can go to the fudge dispensary. You can put your mouth right under a fudge nozzle. Yeah. And just fudge it off. Oh, my mom has been such a fudge nozzle.

Oh, man. Well, it's good to have you back in Vancouver Well thanks It's good to be here Yeah it is It's alright isn't it Being there Yeah

Dave what's going on with you Um Well we are recording this before Christmas It's coming out after Christmas Yeah Um And uh Jungle bells

Who smells Batman Okay Robin laid an egg What He's not an actual rob no no he is though no he had sex with an egg robin got laid by an egg oh he got laid by that guy the egg yeah vincent price yeah levels oh maybe that's what that song is because they're both Batman characters, aren't they? Yeah.

I know Robin is. Don't write in. Yeah, Dave, Robin is from Batman. Anyway, the Batmobile lost its wheel. Yeah. And I heard two versions of the next line. Joker got away. Yeah.

Joker took ballet. Oh. Huh. Yeah. Seems like something he'd do. Yeah, sure. Stay lim limber he's so crazy um so yeah uh it's not yet christmas but um since we last recorded abby and i have got a christmas tree yeah it's oh so pine oh yeah well we were wondering if we should get a fake christmas tree

or get a real christmas tree uh but but we, we have so much stuff. Yeah. We just have so much crap that we keep in storage and, uh. Yeah. Can't you just bring out your skis and hang decorations on them? I just like, I don't want another thing where it's like, oh, let's put this tree in. Oh yeah. And then every other year we travel back to her parents' place.

And so let's buy this permanent tree That we use every two years But we've never had a tree before We've been together for 14 years And it was our first tree together And we She really wanted to go to this place That

It's a tree lot that does like Kids I guess they help kids In some way that it's a tree lot that does like kids like I guess they help kids in some way. Or kids just work at the lot. Cheap labor. I can't cut this down. What kind of

tree are you looking for sir? Because well every tree lot here unless it's Home Depot or like Whole Foods Yeah. In which case you're a total asshole. Well, every tree lot here, unless it's Home Depot or like Whole Foods. Yeah. In which case you're a total asshole. If you buy your tree at Whole Foods.

That's true. I didn't even think about that. I walked past it the other day and I didn't like, like what kind of asshole buys a tree? Like there's kids selling them out on the, you know. Well, every high school sells trees and they all, it all benefits school yeah and like that there's that's a good cause sure uh but abby heard about this lot that they um it's this children's charity i guess yeah and uh so we go there on a monday morning and it was you know nobody was there it's a monday morning yeah and uh the the people working there were there and were

greeted by this like 18 year old kid and i think he's maybe is uh someone who benefits from the charity but mr can i pick out a tree that's my 18 year old yeah he was sort of like um he had an issue i would say i don't know exactly what okay but he was like um can we uh what kind of tree do you want and they're like oh let can we look around first we've got douglas fir we've got uh you know spruce etc we're we just want to have a look around and there's like you can tell that there's older people who are sort of in charge that are that are standing off to the side like let's see how long you can string these people yeah yeah yeah until we actually have to come in and do the work um let's let jeremy handle this sales yeah uh and so we they really had one tree left in the lot that like was the right shape for us and the right height and right

um i didn't want to have to move any furniture yeah but i did have to oh i know right um and uh yeah and so we ended up getting this one tree and i the whole time i was like we could just why don't we uh go to a high school i bet they have a lot more at a high school uh but we didn't and um i feel like that you know when you buy a car no it's not personal they say when you buy car, like the moment you walk on the lot, like the sale is made. Like you have to do so much research before you walk onto a car lot. Oh, by the time you're there, it's already happened. Yeah. You already know what you want and you're going to get it.

I think it's that way with a Christmas tree lot as well. You're like, if they're here, they're buying it. They're not browsing. I've browsed. I've gotten just to go smell, just to go in and have a, you know, sniff around and then walked out. They must have known because I walked it into there without a car. They must have suspected I wasn't going to drag a tree. He doesn't have that big of a backpack.

Will this fit in my bindle? can i strap it on my back like the guy from the led zeppelin album cover but with the christmas tree um and then uh yeah so we we uh the whole time i'm whispering to abby like i think this is a bit big for us uh and they strap it to the car and we're driving home and we see, we drive by a high school and it's got like a thousand of the perfect tree. That would like the perfect size, perfect shape. And she notices and I notice. But we got it. It's beautiful. We love it.

It's a beautiful tree. And then the house just smells so piney. Oh, yeah. So you can't get a fake tree. then the house just smells so piney Oh yeah So you can't get a fake tree No What are you gonna get that fake pine smell? Yeah that's what people do It's real weird

Does it come out of the tree or do you spray the tree? You spray the tree That I don't approve of that at all Yeah it's weird Well we don't need your approval I uh Last year was the last year The year before a friend of mine

Really wanted there was like a crazy like neon pink Christmas tree in the front window of there's like a dollar store at Maine and 25th and she's like man, I fucking love that tree. So I waited until after

Christmas when they were like boxing them up or whatever and I bought it and the lady couldn't believe that I was buying it. I was like And I bought it. And the lady couldn't believe that I was buying it. I was like, I want that tree in the window. And she was like, are you serious?

They just thought that they would have to box it up again and put it back out next year. Yeah, yeah. And they were just overjoyed. I got it for a song. Oh, wow.

What song? Joy to the World. Joy to the World? Damn you, Dave. Joy to the world. Damn you, Dave. Joy to the world. I guess. And heaven and, oh, I don't know, nature sing. True patriot love and all our sons command.

But yeah, you get a Christmas tree. Oh, I'm also super worried that it's going to catch fire. Oh, yeah. That comes with the territory Also, like, are you I was always worried that you would get a tree And then it would have, like, bugs in it or something Oh, it's full of bugs Oh no, really? Yeah, the house has been invaded by termites

Oh no! Real Trojan horse scenario there Troho Now, you've never had a tree yet this tree covered in decorations yeah so have you been getting decorations over the years or did you just buy them all my mother gives us a decoration in our stocking every year okay i don't think we have any of them abby uh bought a bunch of like decorations. Okay. And, uh, some, I like the, the, like the unique ones. Um, but Abby, like we have a few that are just a set of like 10, you know, snowmen.

10 red balls. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, but I need to go back to my parents' house and get like our old Smurf decorations. And we have one that's like the A&W bear. Yeah. I had an elf one A&W bear. Yeah. I had an elf one. Alf?

Alf. Yeah. Do you, are you, did you put up a tree? Do you do that? Um, well,

where I'm living right now, my roommates put up a tree. Oh, they did? Yeah. It's very like artistically decorated. Like? I walked in and my friend was like,

I'm not allowed to help. And his wife was just like carefully placing different colored balls around the tree and like lining it with these like silver garlands. Oh, wow. Yeah. But when my, if my parents get a tree this year, then I'll help decorate that one. Yeah. All the, all the old ornaments.

Yeah, yeah. Memories of. Ornaments. Warm memories. one yeah all the all the old ornaments yeah yeah memories of uh ornaments warm memories um but yeah no it's uh uh uh i like the you know the old ornaments and just like a random selection of ornaments i hate the ones that are just like look too perfect yeah i want it to look like a kid decorated it everything is just on the bottom. Series of branches at the top. There's a few things that have been chucked up higher. Popcorn, just popcorn. Thrown into the tree. What's your tree topper?

We don't have one. Abby has a bow she's going to put on top. Oh, you got to have a special like that. That's the thing. The crowning glory. Yeah, well. Is the tree topper. Not yet. Do you want to borrow the decoration you gave me last week? No, I'm glory yeah well it's the tree topper yeah not yet um do you want

to borrow the decoration you gave me last week put it on the top why not it's a star it's not my picture it's not the top star though no but it could be come on dave but the one thing i'm learning is uh if you uh have a real christmas tree uh you get to vacuum and sweep every day yeah it's like inviting wilderness into your house. Yeah. And also you got to figure out what the fuck to do with it after Christmas. Yeah. I think they're pretty good about like letting you know now.

Yeah. I feel like when I was growing up, my dad was always like, when, when, where do you put it? Like, when do they come get it? Yeah. But it's now it's like, come to our thing and donate to have it chipped. Yeah. You know what this, I donated to buy it in the first place.

Yeah. It's a, they, yeah. Can you chip tinsel? Chip tinsel, by the way, is a great local newsman. I thought he hosted game shows. Yeah. He's also good at that. He's like a Wayne Cox character.

Chip tinsel. Yeah. So, yeah. game show yeah he's also good at that he's like a wayne cox character yeah so uh yeah we're uh a first tree yeah congratulations thanks very much and a happy new year um now you what's going on well i got uh i got my tooth fixed oh yeah last week i uh had a thing of skittles for the first time in about 10 years. And it broke a filling and broke part of my tooth. Oh. So I got that all patched up at the dentist. When was that? Yesterday.

Uh-huh. And they squeezed me in between other people's appointments, so I was there for hours. Oh. Like they would do one part and then like go do something, then come back, do another. Oh, so not really in between other people's appointments so i was there for hours oh like they would do one part and then like go do something then come back do another oh so not really in between other people's like i guess they just had an extra chair yeah they had an extra chair well it wasn't a dentist chair yeah i was out in the waiting room and they would just come in splash water on my face it was a barber chair um yeah so i mean that was that's my crowning glory. Literally. Yeah. Buzzing. He said it's going to have to get a crown in the new year.

He said this feeling is just temporary, but it feels so good. I've never been this happy about a feeling in my life. Yeah. Like really just over the moon. Are you a dentist regular? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in there all the time. I got bad, bad teeth.

And, you know, I can't stay away from those Skittles. Every 10 years, I chip a tooth on the hardest, most jagged candy there is. Skittles. That on a hot day will melt into one wad. Oh, a Skittle wad. They should make those decorations. Isn't Skittlewad a local weatherman? I'm Skip Tinsel and he's Skittlewad. Chip Tinsel.

Oh, no. I already changed it. Yeah, so I did that. When you were last here, you were telling me that the filling fell out and you couldn't stop tonguing it. Yeah, yeah. Did it eventually hurt? Nope. Oh, you were telling me that the filling fell out and you couldn't stop tonguing it. Yeah, yeah. Did it eventually hurt? Nope. Oh, you could have gone longer.

No, but you know, then it would have been one of those things that I'd go into the dentist and they'd be like, when did this happen? And I'd be like, three weeks ago. And they'd be like, why didn't you call us? There's a guy living in there now. He's got squatter's rights. Well, you could wind up having to get like a root canal or something oh no thanks yeah i can't handle it there's a poster on the wall of my dentist that shows all the things oh yeah you can get done like this is a crown it's horrifying uh this is what a

you know does it have the prices next to them no but it it's you know like it's just so he can like motion at it we're doing that one number four and then you can be like oh yeah but uh yeah like dental implants like the the the image is so scary because it's like a piece of metal they drill into your jaw and then there's a screw and then they put a thing on top of it it's just so terrifying yeah yeah i don't want to get i don't want to get screwed in the jaw i don't want to lay an egg um and then also you know because yeah we're recording this before christmas i did some christmas shopping and that was just the fucking worst. Worst ever.

Just, like, you know what? Best Buy should go out of business. There, I said it. You guys suck at- Are they- You say that as though, like, they're in danger of going out of business. They are in- Not in great shape. Really?

Let's hope. They're a legion of incompetent employees. Can you Oh like if you go in and you ask I feel like you guys have a lot of ammunition Yeah If you have specific questions about any product Guaranteed you'll get paired with

A high school student who has no idea High school students know a lot about tech No No no no Yeah they're always sexting me their genitals I got I was Helped In quotes By this guy who i asked him a

question and then he took the product off the shelf and just started reading the back of it i was like yeah oh good because it's you assume i'm illiterate yeah at this point well let me read this to you moron yeah like it's uh an old-timey pub you see on the back it's the pig and megapixel yeah it's the it's the head and phone it's a headphone um anyways it was just like yeah this guy knew nothing and it's the opposite of the car lot thing if somebody comes into best buy they have no idea what they're gonna want to. Yeah, they just want to play with the PS4s. Exactly. And that's why it's always out of order.

Oh, it's not working again. Why is the controller covered in fudge? Why did they put it next to the fudge nozzle? You fudge nozzle. Yeah, speaking of the drinking straight out of the fudge nozzle, do you know the bar of the sin bin? Yeah. It closed down this week. Oh, yeah. Speaking of the, like drinking straight out of the fudge nozzle. Uh, do you know the bar, the sin bin?

Yeah. It closed down this way. Oh yeah. Oh really? Huh? Did you go? I didn't know. I only saw photos.

The people had a like party in there and they fucking wrecked the place. Was that like a going out of business party? Yeah. I think so. I guess. Shutting down. Like the guy just announced it. Then that weekend or the night after they had this party.

Yeah. And like one of the guys, one of the comedians was like, I was lying on the bar pouring beer straight into my mouth out of the tap. Yes. Yeah. Cause it was open bar. Serve yourself. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

And it just like the photos I i saw it just looked like roadhouse like it was yeah everything was destroyed smashed everything on the floor there was a monster truck parked outside that's one of the one of the forgotten things about roadhouse yeah is that guy drives a monster truck through that guy's car dealership yeah yeah yeah the moment you drive a monster truck onto a car dealership you're hooked you're buying a car or you're driving over one no you're buying one to drive over which one of these has the weakest roof what's the uh are any of these empty of their guts that's how you want to anyway anyway yeah so apparently it was just the party to end all parties.

There was fistfights and cops had to show up and. Oh, that's not surprising. Just crazy. Like bedlam. They just wrecked the place. So. Yeah. The pictures of the day after it's like looking at the empty restaurant and it looks like there's just smashed glasses like all.

Right. Over one side of it. Yeah. It's like a guy was shutting it down but he didn't realize that like oh you could sell this stuff yeah yeah let's wreck it yeah they had to talk him out of burning the place did you ever have you ever had friends who like uh uh that at the end of their lease the uh their the owner of the apartment or house is going to tear it down. Yeah.

And so like, oh, we just found out we get our damage deposit back and we get to destroy the house. Oh, I remember being at a party. This is probably like the first year I lived in Vancouver. And it was a big rager party and the people were moving out. And so it was, you know, it was crazy. And somebody showed up with a crowbar and like threw it into the wall. And then somebody else was like, it's not that type of party. It's like we're moving, but also we're going to clean up.

When is it ever that kind of party? why was that guy showed up with a crowbar either somebody here's gonna get hurt or i'm gonna break something so uh yeah so that was that was the week that it was oh wow yeah i know i did i didn't know that it was. Oh, wow. Yeah, I know. I didn't know that it was happening. I just heard about it the next day. Yeah. I heard about it with a couple hours notice, but I didn't go down because I had

some stuff to do. Yeah. And you probably didn't want to get, you know. Punched in the face. Yeah. It seemed like a thing,

like somebody who were going to get punched in the face or have to punch somebody in the face. Yeah. But, you know, it'll be missed.

I mean, yeah. Every part of it. Cause it's destroyed. Did you, I performed there. Yep. Uh,

was it, did you ever have a good show there? In the back room? I had a couple good. Oh, I never saw the back room. Yeah. The back room was good for a show.

Cause it was small and, uh, you could kind of get your attention in In the main room, it was mostly. But being in a barn. Yeah. Yeah. But now there's other bars and stuff in that area now, I guess. I don't know.

I mean. For the longest time, it was the only place. And they built the Olympicville, like the housing for the athletes around it. And they're like, this neighborhood will be a place where people go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We will force it.

And eventually now it sort of is. Yeah. But he, and it's not that he's leaving, he's not broke or anything, just is done running the business whole stock. Yeah. And a friend of mine,

uh, went to like the next day to see if he could buy anything for his restaurant uh-huh like nope said everything was wrecked yeah so oh god someone took a dump in the oven like that's that would have been worth four thousand dollars but now it's worth five What a dump Yeah You cook a dump long enough It turns into a diamond Okay Ah come on

Had to be said No Yes Never Should we move on To a little bit of business Yeah Guys

Happy birthday Happy holidays Happy holidays That is But a birthday Could be like a holiday Lincoln's birthday Is a holiday

Every day should be a holiday Yeah absolutely Dandy Warhol said it This is for Olivia From Dwight Happy holidays Olivia I know you will love Hearing Graham say your name

Oh who wouldn't And knowing that In the process We are financially supporting Stop Podcasting Yourself Which we both love You will always be My Cali girl Dwight financially supporting Stop Podcasting Yourself, which we both love. You will always be my Cali girl, Dwight.

California girls. They're understandable. They are understandable. Yeah. Wasn't last week's Jumbotron about a Cali girl as well? Well, we wish they all could be Cali girls. If you would like to have your Jumbotron message on our show, head over to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Shall we get back to the overheards? I would love to.

Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi, Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away. And instead of water, there is the bones

of your dead ancestors. Ew. Or our show. That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis

where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society. We tried penis enlargement

or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. at least i did boy i tried breast enlargement we have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing except for thousands more which we will get to if you listen to our show i'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors bones well and i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum fun and the show's called I Know Ross and Carrie. Hello, I'm Taco, the elephant magician.

Merle Highchurch here, the master of clerical magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter. Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything is possible. Hi, I'm Griffin McElroyroy dungeon master for the adventure zone a new podcast on maximum fun in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience you can catch it every other thursday here on maximum fun.org or itunes

it's for dungeons and dragons but with family Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we the people and you the other people. In order to form a more perfect union. Yeah. We hold these truths to be self-evident. That all overheards are created equal. Oh, that's not true. No, it isn't true at all.

Some are just better. And we always like to true. No, it isn't true at all. Some are just better. And we always like to start the overheard segment with the guest. Yeah. If you want to rock it. Oh, I do. And I'm very excited because I did not have an overheard. I knew that I was on this show. And this overheard is from last night.

Oh, perfect. Yeah. Perfect. I left a show with my girlfriend and we went to Commercial and Broadway to get some pizza on the way home. Uncle Fatigue's? Yep. You know it. Delicious.

Best slices. Is it? You like? Well, you know, it's better than fresh slice. That's true. Fresh slice really is. Is that across the street? Yeah.

And Megabyte is like, I don't know what you're all about. Right. What about Cloak and Dagger? Well, that's a different place entirely. Oh, okay. So I didn't have an overheard, and we walked out of Uncle Fatih's with some slices. We're walking down the street, and lo and behold, a gentleman on a BMX riding down the street towards us. Yeah.

And as he approaches, I hear him say, with your fake plastic smiles. Yeah. And I just, I was like, thank you. Yeah. Wandering.

Fire me. Your best BMX delivery man in the city. Yeah. Yeah, if you're over the age of 30 and you ride a BMX at night on the sidewalk. You're cool. Blame your problems on yourself. I don't know, man. Don't project your shit onto other people.

Yeah, how is this anybody's fault but your own? Yeah, how is this anybody's fault but your own? Yeah. Yeah, I don't get it, BMX riding. Don't get it. I did when I was a kid. Did you? Well, I didn't do it.

I mean, I had a bike. Yeah. And I thought they were super cool. Yeah, I had a Kawasaki. What did I have? A BRC? Yeah. And they had, I think it had the little pegs on the back. Oh, did you really? Yeah. But i didn't know what those were for i think for like someone to hold on yeah for doubling yeah

you can also do tricks yeah like grinds why by like grinders i guess hoagies hoagies grinders yeah um i don't uh yeah i don't know when I see an adult on one of those little bikes, I'm like, you are, you're an adult in body shape only. Yeah. You're not. Yeah, exactly. Or in. Just ride a regular bike. What about those low rider bikes with the, like, your seat.

Just ride a motorcycle. But yeah, but this is more environmental and you get to be. Silly looking? Yeah. Yeah. But you know what? It's your choice. It is true. You know, that's the? It's your choice. It is true.

You know, that's the great thing about our country. It's a free choice. You can be as dumb and idiot as you want to be all the time. And no one can judge you.

Well, everyone can judge you. Yeah, everybody can judge you. Yeah. That's part of the deal. It's fine. Yeah.

The judgment doesn't carry any weight. No, yeah, that's right. sometimes it does. Yeah, sure.

If a judge is like... plastic smiles. Yeah. Stupid. So angry. Now, that's right. I mean, sometimes it does. Yeah. Yeah, sure. If a judge is like. Plastic smiles. Yeah. Stupid. So angry. Now, that pizza place, their signature pizza. Is a hot dog? No, it's a.

A pie and cone. Potato pizza? No, is it? No. Well, maybe they. They do put a lot of potato on pizza. I consider their signature pizza that one that has like a sweet gooey white sauce on it. You mean the beef and blue cheese?

With like, it's like icing sugar on it. Oh yeah. Well yeah, but it's blue cheese dressing. But it's sweet. It's like sugary sweet. It's not sugary sweet. It is like a blizzard. It's like they put a blizzard on it. No.

Is that what you mean by blue cheese? Blizz- Oh, yeah. Blizz- Yeah, what's with the hot, super sugary pizza? Let's have a long conversation about this thing we disagree about. Dave, do you have an overheard?

I do. Here's what's up, guys. I was in a coffee shop Getting my Daily shot of Java I was I was having a cup of joe Suckling at the teat Of sweet mother caffeine

I hate everything About this character Is he wearing a turtleneck probably daddy oh he is uh uh yeah so i was at this place and uh they made a coffee and um uh when your coffee's ready they say your name and uh the barista said, Clancy. And then someone stood up and went towards the bar. And then the barista said, oh, no, no, wrong Clancy. Whoa. This is a place where two Clancies were.

Yeah. Clancy Wiggum is who they were. Clancy. Good name. Yeah. Good name. Yeah, good name for like a dog and a hippo that are friends. So it would be like Fido and Clancy. Yeah, that's pretty good. I'd watch that.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm in favor of all kinds of, is Clancy short for something? Clarence? Clancifer. Clancifer? Oh, the fallen angel. I'm not surprised

that Dave would go to a coffee shop that had two Clancys in it You seem like a snooty coffee kind of person Oh yeah The coffee shop

was called Clancy's Clancy and Clancy's Attorneys at Law and Coffee Barristers and Baristas Pretty good Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Barristers and baristas. Ooh, pretty good. Bed knobs and broomsticks and barristers and baristas.

We do a little of everything here. Graham. Yeah. Do it. Mine isn't so much an overheard as a I forgot that I had this until the other day when I was scrolling through old messages on my phone. This is a text message sent to me by somebody.

I have no idea who it is. Okay. So there's no prior communication between me and this person. It's not that UGG text you got because I got the same text. Which one? For UGGs. No, no, no. This is somebody who's written a full thing.

This is at 1052 our time. It's from an Ontario area code. So it would have been. Ontario area code so it would have been Ontario area code that's fun to say yeah 2 that would have been 2 in the morning that the 4 hours ahead what time was it 1052 our time oh ok so it would have been 152

so this is yeah almost 2 in the morning this uh I assume this is a woman but it says uh Kellen asked me if i fucked you to which i wrote back there's a bit more expletive stuff in there but can i can you read it for me yep i didn't know what to say so i said yeah ask him about my tight vagina lol and then i wrote back wrong number question mark then she wrote lasa which i think was an autocorrect then she's like it is and then the next bubble says the wrong milner and then it says number and then it says i thought this was jerry that is like the panic typing oh Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

Everything she says is wrong. Lhasa, wrong Milner. It is the wrong Milner. Number. I thought this was Jerry. You better not be a podcast host. That is funny. But I don't know who that is.

I have no idea who's. It's a 416. Jerry? Is there a Jerry out there? Do you want to call her? There's one. I only know one Jerry. Okay.

And did he fuck her? Well, who knows? Well, Callan said so. Yeah, ask him about her tight, et cetera.

Hoopy doopy. Yeah, I know. Weird. And then never like, never, hey, sorry about that.

No, it's, I think it's safe to assume she committed seppuku. Yeah, it's true. She did dishonor herself. Do you ever keep it going with like wrong number texts?

I think this is the first wrong number text I've ever gotten. Oh, really? Oh, I got a good one when I was in, because when I went to Toronto, I changed phone numbers. And so I got. A dead guy's phone number. Like, I guess. I got someone looking for their dad. And I was like, oh, sorry, I'm not your dad.

And then they're like, oh, okay. And then an hour later, I sent them another text. I was like, did you find your dad? And had they? No. They got back to you? Yeah. Oh.

Story to be continued. Yeah, I guess. Now, Graham, is that it for the show? No, no, no. For 2014? No, we've got people who have sent in overheards via email. If you want to do the same, send them to spy at maximumfund.org. And this is an overseen.

This is from Sheila in Chicago. It's an overseen. I used to walk by a family restaurant every day on my way to work. They had one of those signs with the movable letters. And there was always some kooky thing on it. Around the time the second Twilight movie came out. Cast your minds back. What was that one called?

Was that Breaking Dawn? Yeah, I think so. Was that Flirting with Destiny? No, because. Twilight, boys on the side. No, because... Twilight, boys on the side. Because the Twilight things go in order of darkest to lightest. Okay, so Breaking Dawn is the last one.

Wait, to lightest? Yeah, so it goes Twilight, New Moon, and then Breaking Dawn. Didn't they break the last one into two movies? Then they broke the fourth wall out of the two movies? Then they broke the fourth wall where they're like, vampires. Yeah, time out. By the way,

have you read the synopsis of Breaking Dawn? Like, the plot synopsis? Because it's super ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've totally read it. Yeah, where there's like... Let's all just carry on

as though we've all read it. So I don't need to discuss it. That pizza... What is it? That pizza's really sweet oh like he so they get married in the in the final book and then they have vampire sex and then she gets pregnant with a vampire baby yeah it's killing her from the inside so he gives her a c-section like by ripping her guts open with this oh sure and then she's gonna die this is the written

synopsis yeah yeah she going to die from her wounds. So he bites her and turns her into a vampire. And then the werewolf guy shows up and falls in love with the baby. Okay. Whoops. Yeah. Oh, weird. He imprinted on the baby like a duck does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was love at first bite. Oh. I knew no one else was going to react to that, so I had to do it myself. I watched that movie that the comedy coup people made,

the Wolf Cop. Okay. Made in Saskatchewan movie. I enjoyed it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's about, you know, it's exactly what it's about.

Exactly. It's about a wolf cop. Oh. I could have used more wolf cop. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's about, you know, it's exactly what it's about. Exactly. It's about a wolf cop. Oh. I could have used more wolf cop. Werewolf cop? Yeah, he's a werewolf cop. Not just a nonverbal animal wolf cop. That would be good, too.

Yeah. I'd watch that. And then maybe then the hippo and the dog friend show up. Instead of a police dog, instead of a German shepherd, it's a wolf. But he wears a little uniform and he's way out of order. Yeah. Totally. He's a loose cannon.

Anyways, this was around the second Twilight movie came out. Which one was that? New Moon? New Moon. Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team Taco Pizza. Oh. Yeah. What team are you on?

Taco Pizza. Kyle? Too sweet though, right? Yeah. They do make it with candy. Yeah. What team are you on? Taco Pizza. Kyle? Too sweet though, right? Yeah. They do make it with candy. Yeah. They liquefy candy canes. Yeah.

Put it on Taco Pizza. They put one clump of Skittle in the middle. Oh boy. Skittle in the middle. But you got much back. Always on team Taco Pizza. Yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. This next one comes from I didn't get the person's actual name Smizzle54 Okay No it's Andrew from Toronto Well at least you've blown up there No I didn't read the whole thing

But let's safely assume That it's AOL.com 54 other smizzles I was at the Buffalo bills game in buffalo about to head into the stadium with some friends there was a young group of uh drunk guys in front of us one of the much more drunk than the rest when the drunk guy was refused entry into the game for being too drunk you have to be very drunk yeah to be refused entry to a football game his buddy stood him up looked him in the eyes, and said,

You're too drunk. Head back to the truck, have a couple of beers, and sober up. Oh, he's in that weird state where beer is like water for him. Yeah, yeah. He's like, Well, it is very filling, so it'll sop up all the alcohol from this moonshine I made. I also have a party sub in the glove compartment. Springloaded, though. Yeah.

Springloaded? Yeah. So when you open the glove compartment, it hits you in the face? Well, because if you folded up a whole party sub, it would be very tight. Like those springy snakes. You open it up and it just flops out. I did that once. I went on this boat trip for three days,

and they told us there'd be bottled water on the boat, and there wasn't. So I brought a flat of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and so I drank the beer just for hydrating purposes. And then I drank the Jack Daniels. And so I drank the beer just for like hydrating purposes. Just for the water? And then I drank the Jack Daniels at night when I wanted to get drunk. They didn't ever like pull over somewhere and get water? Was it on salt water or fresh water?

It was on salt water. Oh, no. Yeah. So at the end of the three days, my urine was like an orange paste. Sure. My body isn't sure what's going on here. But I'm selling this to Burt's Bees. Kyle's paste.

Now from Burt's Bees. Oh, gross. Alright. This last one comes from Alexa E in Montreal. I live in Montreal and recently the Korean cosmetic store near my house opened up a small taco stand. Gross. But I think maybe they were not quite sure where tacos come from. And then there's a photo that says it it's got a picture of a taco.

And it says tacos, horchata, guacamole, Jamaica. These are buzzwords. Shmuel. Mazel. Yeah. Smorgasbord. What kind of, it was a Korean store? It was a Korean cosmetics place that opened up a taco.

Weird. Yeah. Get it. Get your nails done. Get your nails did. Get your hair did. Get your taco made. Um, Korean tacos are a thing.

Hmm? Yeah. Yeah. They have a, a food truck here. Is it, uh, like traditional taco shape and then Korean inspired ingredients? I think so. I've had them i don't remember them very well it's like japa dog where it's like it's just it's a hot dog with the japanese yeah a lot more cabbage in this than i remember yeah i've had korean tacos yeah in

toronto yeah there's a korean like tex-mex fusion restaurant is it yummy yummy oh it's really good yeah they um puffy yummy yummy yeah that was one of the tacos uh no they were really good they were they had an octopus taco oh yeah yeah octopus taco um we're recording this a few days before christmas And as far as. We're giddy as a bunch of five girls. And speaking of Korea, as far as we all know, the movie, the interview is going to come out. Nothing bad has happened around that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, it's crazy.

Is like, I know people in it. Like that are in the movie because it was shot here. Yeah. Yeah. And so a lot of people are just. Have you heard it's not coming out? Well, yeah, that's what they've been saying they're not going to do a theatrical release but yeah they'll probably do like a dvd or you know shawn demand or whatever okay cool do you know where i can get it

i don't know i saw the leaked scene of uh yeah i saw that too kim jong-un dying in a helicopter spoiler alert that's why they didn't want it released oh well but what are you gonna do terrorist win i guess it is pretty crazy like if you uh did a movie like hey we're killing obama in this movie oh you can't put that out yeah well here's the crazy thing is they already made a movie that team america yeah and that there was no threats about that well probably because i don't know it was puppets puppet well it was marionettes for one thing ah there you go what puppets you put on your head yeah interesting and like uh the whole premise of the interview is going to North Korea to assassinate Kim Jong-un, right? Like, the plot of Team America, at least the way it was, like, packaged and marketed, it wasn't really super obvious that, like, it was all centric around Kim Jong-un.

Yeah. Eel. Eel. Yeah, at the time. Oh, yeah, Kim Jong-il. uh different times man yeah uh he'll be missed um glad we had this but wasn't there there was a hot topic there was a movie that came out while george bush was still president and that he gets assassinated in the movie i remember it was like george bush does yeah in the movie. I remember it was like a big- George Bush does? Yeah. In the movie W? No.

No, no, no. It was a movie that came out. It was like on the film festival circuit, and people really chastised it and said, like, this is a hideous thing you've done. You're anti-American. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was an American film,

so maybe that's the difference. If a North Korean made that movie, I bet you they'd be fine with it. I think they probably, North Korea does make movies where they, where,

where, like, other world leaders are killed. I like to think that, like, that North Korea is just making

the movies that they have in America, but just, putting Kim Jong-un as the hero in all of them. in every single one of them. Like,

that he's Spider-Man and he's all of the X-Men. He's big eyes. He's wild. He's all of your Oscar bait. In Armageddon, he's Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. He's on both sides of that little elevator. And he's the meteor.

They land on a flying... Oh, now they're going to try and get their podcast shut down. Oh, boy. Oh, bro. That's the last thing we need. Yeah. In addition to overheards

that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham. It's Nicole calling from Windsor with an overseeing.

We were picking up our pizza in a pizza parlor, and the sign, the A was gone from pizza, so it just said Piz. Thanks for your help, guys. Got to take a Piz. Yeah, sometimes it's the simplest things you can oversee. Yeah. That's great.

Okay, let's verbalize that. It says pizz. When I was doing the Seattle competition, we did a show in Vachon, which is like on an island. Yeah. And right across the street from the venue was a pizza place called Saucy Sisters. you was a pizza place called Saucy Sisters. And their sign said because you know how

Marshall Lynch from the Seattle Seahawks they call him Beast Mode. So their sign said, Go Yeast Mode on game day. That's very unfortunate. I opened my set by railing on the town. I was like, has no one gone in to tell them that's a terrible

idea for a sign? Beast and yeast are not interchangeable words. I know, but oh, that rising crust. So many times I've ruined a recipe by putting beast in when you should have put yeast in. The

people of Washington State are very proud of how loud they are as football fans. Yeah. They take a lot of credit for the success. Yeah, they call themselves the 12th man. And people around Seattle will have a flag flying above their building that just says number 12 on it. Oh, cool. Yeah.

Yeah, super cool. Yeah. Home of the Boz. Yeah, did you see that 30 for 30? I sure did. Oh, boy. Boz Gags? Yep. Yeah, Boz G that 30 for 30? I sure did. Oh, boy. Boz Gags? Yep.

Yeah, Boz Gags set up camp in Seattle. Did nightly shows. Brian Bosworth, the football player. The big Boz man. He's back and he's pizzed. Here's your next phone call. Hey, it's that podcasting yourself. This is Molly in Columbus, Ohio.

It's a pretty big day for us up here because Ohio State just beat Michigan, which, if you know anything about college football, it's a big deal. I don't. Anyway, an ONT fan just walked by and screamed, and then he said to the girl he was walking with, wait, do I have a cool yell or should I stop doing that? She said, oh, keep doing it. Yeah, no, it's the coolest. Yeah, you have a very cool yell yeah what a sycophant check out this yell i'm breaking up with you

we're good at football um yeah no we don't uh know about if that's a big deal here no uh i don't know anything about college sports except that uh sometimes sometimes they do illegal stuff to woo oh yeah yeah you know to woo a girlfriend yeah yeah sometimes they go all out and it makes the rest of us look bad well he technically what he did was illegal to woo you yeah Yeah. He had a man killed. He put a rose in his. Yeah. He tore that tag off the mattress. I got you these roses and I wrapped them in a tiger pelt.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't follow college sports. Don't get college sports. Why don't you people just move on with your lives once you graduate? Why do you have to still support this never-ending revolving door of new players

and basically you're cheering for a coach who's covering for a pedophile. Woof. Not all coaches cover for pedophiles. Oh, that's true. Some of them are pedophiles. Yes! Yeah, my hockey.

And here is your final overheard. Oh, no, Dave. Dave. I have laryngitis. No, you can do it. I can't say it. Dave, I believe in you. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, you don't. Hi, Graham, Dave, and guest. This is James C. from Cedar Falls, Iowa. Went to a diner this morning and never been here before. And the food's really expensive. So I asked the waitress, how big are the pancakes? And she moves a little to the side and points behind her to these pictures. And it's pictures of little babies eating giant pancakes.

She says, well, I mean, it is compared to a baby, but they're actually very large. For scale, we used baby. Eh, well, let's talk about that. That wasn't the greatest idea. Ah, they're bigger than a shoe, you know. Yeah, like, you're going to get filled up. No one's ever finished pancakes. I gonna get filled up no one's ever finished pancakes i can get filled up by one regular pancake yeah i feel like that's all i need i don't need a crazy stack of

pancakes or like i can't get filled up by one regular pancake i said yeah to agree with you but that's that's ludicrous no you know like a pancake like that big. Oh, okay. For the home listener, Graham is stretching his arms as far as the eye can see. I once ate a pancake this big. Yay big. Yeah, anyways, it's just cake. Don't fool yourself. You're just eating a cake. You put two pancakes on top of each other, and then you eat half of two pancakes.

Yeah, exactly. And you go, ooh oh that was good um well that brings us to the end of this here episode the end of this here year you guys it's been a great 2014 yeah let old acquaintance be forgot should they be forgot and never brought to light let all this evidence be buried and everyone have a good night. Let's all cover for. Let's all. The juice. Commit crimes.

Okay. Let's woo our wives with criminal behavior. Yeah. Show our wives that they didn't make a mistake by marrying the small time hustler. That you're a big time gangster. And watch the new show Empire. Yeah. It's Nashville for rap

Oh good Kyle do you have anything You want to plug For the new year Or the last three days Of 2014 If you're In the Vancouver area

You can come to Comedy Bucket On January 16th Yes The super fun Riffing show Where's that Hot Art Wet City.

Oh, fun venue. Yeah. The art gallery at 6th and Main. And it's a fun show. Yeah. It's a very, very fun show. It's lots of comics and improvisers doing just improvised comedy based on audience suggestions. And you don't have to say anything.

It's all written down ahead of time. Yeah. Yeah. So you don't have to actually interact with the comics. Oh, yeah. You write down on little slips of paper. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a whole lot of fun. It is a lot of time. Yeah. Yeah. So you don't have to actually interact with the comics. Oh yeah. You write down on little slips of paper. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's a whole lot of fun. It is a lot of fun. I've done it twice. I enjoyed it very much. And if you happen to be in the Toronto area. Uh-huh. Coming up very soon. Uh-huh.

I'll be doing a show called Graham Clark Reads the Phone Book. Now are you literally reading a phone book? Yeah. Yeah. Have you practiced on a phone book? Yeah. Making out with a phone book? are you literally reading a phone book yeah yeah have you practiced on a phone book yeah uh making out with a phone yeah yeah yeah i put a bra on the phone book pretty good um yeah uh well you know we'll see if it's a half hour show it's very experimental you see it's a very hard bra to take off yeah i've seen some of your phone book readings and they're quite funny oh thank you yeah there's a lot hard bra to take off Yeah I've seen some of your phone book readings

And they're quite funny Oh thank you Yeah There's a lot of good stuff in there There's a lot of material in the phone book Is it a white pages? A yellow page? A blue pages?

It's a combo white and yellow Mixed What about talking yellow pages? That's a different thing Get what you want When you wanna know Call 299-900-TYP. It's free.

Oh, that's my phone. Yeah, and thanks everybody for listening. And if you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out all the shows that they have on offer. There's like dozens at this point there will be a recap of today's episode featuring pictures and videos of things we've talked about

you know the magic the gathering game that you read hellion guy hellion puncher what? that is not. What's the name of the thing? That's the new.

Hearthstone. Hellion Puncher. Hearthstone Pizza. Oh, Hearthstone Pizza. We'll have a picture of beast mode, yeast mode, feast mode. Feast mode would have made so much more sense. Yeah, that would have been a lot better Go back there and tell them

Less disgusting Yeah So happy new year to you all And to all a good night Feliz mode Prospero Anio If you like the show

Do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.