Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 357 - Chris Gordon

Episode Date: January 20, 2015

In his final appearance on the show, Chris Gordon returns to talk muscular children, funky boots, and Pinnochio.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 357 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's wearing a real fancy pair of shoes. Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh boy. Guys, can you get a look at these?

Yep. Desert boots. Yeah, you want to know the story of these? Green stripe. Okay, it'll take a while. Okay, we'll get back to it, but that's a teaser. Stick around to hear the story of these green stripe okay it'll take a while okay we'll get back to it but that's a teaser stick around to hear the story of dave's shoes uh and our guest today on the testicle edition there it is i got to get it in very funny comedian hailing from alberta.com that's not your website yeah it is what always been okay okay Okay. Mr. Chris Gordon is our guest.

That's a good one. Hello. Hey, how are you? Good. How are you? I'm great. I'm finally here. You're finally here. I went to two different places.

Yeah. I've been here twice and I screwed up. And you went to the Vancouver Science. Space Museum. Space Museum. No, there's no science. It's just a museum of space. Yeah, it's just so what is the, what's in a space museum without science? I never went in. I'm not, I don't have access. It's just a museum of space. Yeah, it's just so wet. It's in a space museum without science.

I never went in. I don't have access. It's just got lots of space. Oh, yeah. It's just like roomy. Yeah, it's a loft. Yeah. And here are some pictures of other places.

There's no walls in this place. It's super cool. It's like a hip office. Oh, yeah. It's in the industrial part of town. That's the cost. It's like a hip office Oh yeah It was pretty It's in the industrial part of town Testicles Now I guess You made it so I can't Take those

Edit those out Testicles But what has happened is None of the breaks are breaks They're all just testicle breaks Before the show We do a testing And he

Testicles He did the classic The classic 11 year old maneuver instead of saying testing saying testicles yeah but then but then you can't stop or something have we introduced him yeah

testicles that's great that's on my phone yeah it's a bit I'm doing so just in case the listener is wondering hey why is this idiot saying testicles right in my ear holes all the time? Yeah. That's just at least an explanation, not an excuse.

We can't. All we can do is offer our apologies for what has happened so far. And pray for the future. And pre-apologize. So, Chris. Yeah. Oh, do you want to get to know us? Yeah, absolutely.

Get to know us. What are you typing into your phone? I'm not doing anything. I'm just looking at dick pics. You're trying to do some kind of conceptual bit. Yeah, ready? Oh, brother. Man, the comedian on the stage, Chris Gordon, is so sexy. I would

totally make love to him in a shower or a bunch of showers. Why a bunch of showers? I don't know, because... Like all different showers? So many different spaces. Yeah, because I don't know, I changed it. Chris, why do you feel that you need to be doing a bit

right now? I want to start the show off with a bang. Oh, too bad. Now just put your phone down and be present with us. Oh, God. Okay. That was fun, though, right? Bunch of showers?

Yeah, bunch of showers is good. It makes me think of, was it Metallica? Oh, this thing made me think of Porky's. Oh, because Metallica, they said in their documentary that they would bring in a bunch of ladies and the gang would all shower up with them together. Really? Yeah. Dirty ladies.

Yeah. Dirty Metallica. I'll go for all the easy terms. I mean, they're both dirty at the beginning of the shower and then through the lathering, rinsing and repeating. What if their thing was that they just wanted to wash girls' hair

and that was it? And then they just went on their way. Four guys with one fetish. Creepier or training? Like they're training to become hairstylists. In case this Metallica

gig doesn't work out. Metallicuts. Metallicuts is pretty good. Metallicuts. All right, you've redeemed yourself Are you kidding me? The pun is better than the

Oh it's better I mean like Unfortunately most people Have turned the podcast Over this point Oh that's probably true Bark to school Okay

Okay that was from The first one I ever did The first pun you ever did? The first episode of Spy We did dog movies Oh okay That was Bark to school I'll listen to more of those Okay That's right up my alley pun you ever did? The first episode of Spy. We did dog movies. I'll list you more of those. That's right up my alley.

Yeah, we already did it. Of course it is. The Bone Collector. That's pretty good. Testicle Bay. No. I don't think I... A callback's supposed to be to something that people liked. Yeah, not to something that wasn't funny off air. I'd watch Testicle Bay for sure.

So what's new? We were doing so great with Metallica. What is new? I don't know. I got nothing. Okay. Okay, thanks for coming. I don't know.

I got nothing. Okay. Okay. Thanks for coming. Well, you said in the fall or sometime you're going to go down to LA? Oh, that is new. Yeah. That's new. Oh, God.

I'm really putting it out there. I have been pressuring myself to move and so putting it out there is okay. Where do you live now? I live in LA. Okay. I'm just going to move to like the condo next to me no i live in calgary yeah and i wanted to move for a while but yeah if i can get the visa and all that in order it's la in the fall okay so do you are you in the process you're getting the i mean i'm saying it you're saying

it on a spy podcast oh you're putting it out there like the secret. In the universe. Yeah, like the secret. That's how you do it. Yeah. No, I've talked to immigration lawyers and stuff, and they told me there's no fucking chance I'm getting a visa. And I go, yeah, you want to go? And then I'm challenging their ability. I'm going to progressively remove clothes during the show.

Okay, you just took off a scarf. So, my hoodie and scarf are off. Yeah. Yeah. But still on the table. Socks, pants, t a scarf. So, Mara, hoodie and scarf are off. Yeah. Yeah. But still on the table. Socks, pants. Yeah. Tessicles are out, though.

You guys can't see it, but they've been out the whole time. They are out. Oh, yours are out, too? No. In terms of what's in and what's out this season. Same testicles. Tessicles are out. Yeah.

It's a hot and not. How are things going in Calgary? Things are great. But you want out. Yeah, I just need a change. I don't know. I've always had fun in L.A. and tons of blowjobs from chicks. Tons of them?

Yeah, like super amounts of blowjobs, blowjays, whatever you want to call them. I don't know. Those are blowjobs with your vagina. Blowjays. Yeah, I'm thinking of smoking. Like taking up cigarettes? Taking up cigarettes when I'm there. Big plans.

I asked the immigration lawyer about that And she's like Why are you talking about this Why don't you just take a vacation These are my questions Like why do you need to live there to smoke I don't know I just want it to be real

You know what I mean I don't want to just joke around about smoking Smoking's tough in Calgary Because it's cold But in LA you can always just step out for a cigarette. Dude, it's the best. And I don't talk. I'm not talking one cigarette at a time.

I'm going to be the guy that has a couple going. You know what I mean? Yeah, you will be the guy. Not overkill where it's like the trick where you put the whole. Is that a trick or is it just a photo? Like a vintage photo. I'm not sure. That was before Photoshop.

So I think it is a trick. But like That was a party trick Like watch me put this whole pack Of your cigarettes In my mouth What makes it a trick I think so

Is it like I've got you know 50 cigarettes But And I'm pretending To put them in my mouth It looks like I have A bunch of cigarettes

In my mouth I think the trick Is like smoking all of them And not dying immediately Or not getting cancer That's kind of the trick Yeah Cancer's such a great joke to make.

Yeah, I bet you. Everybody loves a cancer joke. Especially testicular. Yeah, he's in. He's in on it now. Get your three balls out. I don't think that's how that works. Yeah.

The other day I was at a show doing a corporate in Saskatoon. I like how that made him laugh out loud. It's true. It's true. The corporate comedy of Chris Corbin. It is pretty dumb that they get me to do that because things like this happen. So you do corporate work? Yeah.

Explain to me how this happens and how it goes. Usually quite great. No, it's pretty good. A lot of times I just force them to like me, kind of like you guys, and everybody. Yeah, I don't know. I can clean it up a bunch. But then a lot of times... This is not a corporate gig.

You've got to be paying me something to clean it up and not say testicles constantly. But, yeah, so this is not a corporate gig. You gotta be paying me something to clean it up and not say testicles constantly. Uh, but yeah, so this is what happened. It was a lady who's laughing where she was like moaning, kind of laughing. So I started making fun of that and then making fun like,

oh, that must be awkward for your husband in the bedroom when you're like moan laughing and he's confused and embarrassed, something to that effect. But I hadn't asked what the company where they were. Yeah. So I was like, oh, by the way, where do you work?

She's like, the Catholic school board. Oh, my God. I'm going to hell. But they were actually pretty cool with it. And I banged her after, which was fun. Oh, good for you. What noise did she make? Like kind of a moaning laughter kind of situation?

Yeah, it was sort of like this. Oh, gross. Oh, nobody likes this. You don't even like this. Oh, gross. Nobody likes this. You don't even like it. Deep down, you don't even like it. I kind of like it. No, you don't. These are hard candies.

How do you... But, like, is it that there's so much corporate work where you live? No, no, this is worse than usual. Thumbs down to you. What do you mean worse than usual? You're a loose cannon, but I won't abide this. So many edits. Well, you might just scrap.

I'm already sweating. I'm sweating early. Yeah. Is it because you're trying out bits that aren't firing? Yeah, and you guys hate it. Yeah. But I'm having fun. Just be Chris.

Yeah. Just be Chris. I'm a big idiot. I went to two. Just be Chris. Yeah. Just be Chris. Who's Chris? I'm a big idiot. No. I went to two wrong locations before I got here. That is true. We did New Year's Eve together. Yeah.

And then we parted ways at one point. Yeah. And I went home, or I tried to, and you went off. You went off and kept partying until the broad daylight. Yeah. And was it fun? It was fun. Is it the way you wanted

to ring in the New Year? I don't know. I got pretty drunk on champagne and then I charged my phone at a bar. That's like what I did. I find I do that a lot. My phone dies

and then I'll just charge it at a bar and I'm not that fun. But then people come back out and they're like, you're still here? I'm like, yeah, I'm just with my phone. So, but maybe that's your thing.

Maybe that's your party trick. That is. Is to stand somewhere and charge your phone and smoke a bunch of cigarettes. I wish. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. What? No, that's why I want to start. You've never smoked?

Not even one just to see what the fuss is about? What if you find out you don't like it and you have to move back? I don't think I'll like it. Oh, I have to move back? Yeah. I guess. I've smoked a cigar. I've smoked a marijuana. Did you inhale? I've smoked a I'll like it. Oh, I have to move back? Yeah. I guess. I've smoked a cigar. I've smoked marijuana before.

Yeah. Totally different than cigarettes. Cigarettes, sir. Okay, no, wait. I have smoked a cigarette. I thought it was marijuana. No. I got confused.

No, no. It is different, but I just, I don't know. I didn't like the thought of it. I didn't see the point of cigarettes. I didn't see the point of cigarettes. I didn't want to be peer pressured. I didn't like that. What is the point of cigarettes? You smoked for years and years.

Oh, I didn't really know that. Yeah, yeah, I smoked for years, and I loved it. And I would still smoke if it wasn't for the, you know, the bad health effects. All that stuff, yeah. But, yeah, you just get addicted to it. That's all. It's got chemicals in it. Okay, so that's what's addicted to it that's all it's it's got the chemicals in it but like okay so that's what's good about it is you like it it makes you like it well it makes

you like it yeah it forces you to like it yeah sort of like a chris gordon effect yeah smoking of comedy it's like a corporate chris gordon corporate smoking i just can't picture you doing a a corporate act because if for people that don't know what that means it's like you have to be very clean and very i thought very kind of straight ahead yeah i don't know you have a different act that you do pull out some like old bits that are quite clean and stuff and i just just find it's definitely not as fun. Yeah. Because half the time companies come up to you after and they're like,

hey, do you have any blue material or can you do something? Like, why didn't you talk about sex or whatever? And then you explain that you're not allowed and they're like, what? And yeah, so half the time they just want comedy anyways. And I find it's usually better when it's in a club, like if a company comes to a club versus you going to a, I don't know, hotel banquet room or like their company. The banquet room. The worst.

I just, I mean, half the time though, it was Saskatchewan, half the time all these companies were like, what do you guys do? We're welders. So it's like, oh, I better not say fuck. You know what I mean? But that's what they want you to say. And so like, I don't know. A lot of times I just, I was told, I think on the, for after the first weekend,

there was one normal show and then one corporate show. And then, uh, I was told I was a little too naughty still. So I backed it off and then that wasn't fun. Right. And so I just basically did what I do. I,

I mean, I took some things out or I eased up on it a little, but they liked it and there's no complaints. And yeah's like i think did they really say the word naughty yeah yes were you a little nasty yeah bad boy i was being a uh a bit of a rascal did they say you needed to be punished no it didn't get like that but they left out a cake and they said, don't nobody touch this. This is for your sister. This is your sister's cake. Yeah.

Man, I put my ding dong in it. Of course. Because that's what I do with comedy. Yeah. You go, some people go from A to B. Some people go A to C. I go to A to D. You go to X where it's. Right to the D.

Yeah, you go to the D. Or the T. Is that for titty? That's for testicles. Okay. Could be for either. I was trying to throw you a bone, you know? Oh, titty.

Yeah, I've been saying titty all day. I don't get improv setup callbacks. Oh, brother. It's like you blacked out for the first 10 minutes of the show. Oh, was I saying titty before? I don't know. What are you doing with your phone? I made notes.

Oh, really? Oh, okay. I made some notes about things I might want to tackle here. Yeah, go for it. Hit us with a topic. We went to Sophie's. It was a big lineup. You did?

Okay. When was that? On New Year's Day? This morning. Oh, today Sophie's. It was a big lineup. You did? When was that? On New Year's Day? This morning. Oh, today morning. Yeah, before I came here. Before you came to two other places. And I found out my friend donated Archie dolls.

My friend Brent Hall, he's also a comedian sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes. I bet he'll like when I say that. But yeah, he donated Archie dolls. So we thought we could like, you know. Be like, hey, we're here to visit the dolls. Oh, yeah, he donated Archie dolls. So we thought we could, like, you know. Be like, hey, we're here to visit the dolls. Oh, is there a line?

Well, look above the cash register. You got all those knickknacks and ephemera in here. We got a free meal out of it, he said, and they loved it. They loved the dolls. I never even got to see them because we couldn't get in. Oh, really? Yeah. Was there, like, a huge lineup?

Is it the only breakfast place that never had? what do you mean i mean lining up i've talked about this many times on the show no breakfast is good enough to line up for yeah so we went down the street well where i was also tight for time not knowing that i would get the location wrong twice. I was still tight for time. So we went down to a different one and there was no lineup. But I came up with this little jam. It felt like very for Brent. He loves Seinfeld and he's pretty clean in his act and stuff. But I said, isn't toast just for soaking up butter? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like you can't just eat butter. I'm going to take a big drink of water and I'm going to wait for the up butter. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you can't just eat butter. I'm going to take a big drink of water, and I'm going to wait for the punchline. And then I put my testicles on it. No, there's no punchline. I was workshopping a joke. But you're like, you can't just eat straight butter,

and you also can't eat just dry toast. So, like, toast is a butter trap. This is why I don't do corporates, because it's this level of humor if I'm doing jokes. This guy wouldn't stop talking about toast. Are you guys not from the toast council? Oh, you're butter farmers. Well, that works.

No bread left untoasted. That is our pledge. Do you do corporates? We took a toast oath. No, almost never. Yeah. But I don't get invited to do them. I'm not plugged into the world of corporates at all.

And every time I do them, I feel terrible about myself. Oh, yeah. That's how you always feel usually after corporates. And it was funny because the guy I was with was wearing a suit, and then I was coming on in a fluorescent bear shirt, which was quite a difference of two different styles of comedy. Describe a fluorescent bear shirt. Is it a shirt depicting the famous cartoon character,

fluorescent bear? Is that a thing? No. Okay. I don't know. I think I did describe it by saying fluorescent bear shirt, but like I'm imagining like a hoodie with ears. Oh, no. It's a shirt and it's bright it's called safety green i think it's yellow i think it's like a

highlighter yeah yeah yeah and then it has a screaming bear face on it that looks like the kodiak bear i would say oh yeah yeah yeah i dig it i sell them after my shows okay yeah you make oh i still like make these shirts? I get them made Really? They're like a heat transfer That's Like a No sorry

I was thinking They're the kind that Oh yeah Like when I sweat And it goes all blue And it looks like I fell in the toilet Which is the most awkward fall

How did I just get His armpits in there? He just got one And then tried to get outside the other way. No, yeah. It's not a hypercolor shirt. Thank you. Heat transfer.

Heat transfer. I could never wear those hypercolor shirts. Being like a fat kid growing up, that was like the worst. That is the worst invention. Yeah. What was it? Who was it for? They ripped kids.

Ripped kids. Like the bodybuilding kids? Ripped kids. Ripped kids. Bodybuilding kids. You see them in clickbait a lot. Oh my God. Is that a thing? Well, no, just like at the bottom of a blog story, it'll be like, click on this, and then we'll check out this muscular kid.

And then right away, they're like, you're a pedophile. Right away after you, you're like, oh my God. I just wanted to see a muscular kid. And then right away, they're like, you're a pedophile. Right away after you, you're like, oh my God. I just wanted to see a muscular kid. Just wanted to compare it with my own pictures of myself, shirtless as a kid. There was a, I remember there was a kid growing up whose dad like got him working out super early and he was giving him like protein and all that.

And he was this super ripped kid and they were worried about his development. They were, they were worried his dad was giving him like protein and all that. And he was this super ripped kid and they're worried about his development. They were, uh, they were worried. His dad was giving him steroids. Why you drink? If you drink every time I talk,

I'm going to freak out. I was just, I was waiting. There's no punch line. Oh, a testicle thing? No. Um,

ripped kids. Uh, I knew a kid that was, he was, uh, like my brother's friend and he was like a gymnast and he was. Oh, he's ripped. Yeah, it was weird.

Do we all feel uncomfortable right now? No. Are we all ripped kids? Yeah. It's a weird conversation. First of all, because I've never been ripped. Oh, yeah. And some kids already done that.

They've already checked that off their bucket list. Yeah, you hate them already. I know, but do you think they keep it up as adults? Or like, ah, I was ripped once. I don't need to be ripped anymore. If I was ripped once, then that would be good for me. I just have that. Yeah.

Just one time. I don't need to be ripped forever. Use it as your Tinder pic. Yeah, exactly. It's an old picture. I was a seven-year-old. That's not me currently. I just want to let you know up front.

I have a Christmas tree on my Tinder. Okay. Like just a picture of a Christmas tree? Of my Christmas tree. But like any pictures of you or just the Christmas tree? No, I have pictures of me. How is it going for you on Tinder? Good?

Bad? No, I don't like it. I don't know what's going on. Anytime you're excited about it, you're like, oh, this hot chick. And then it's always like, come click on these sexy pictures. It's always a robot lady. There's fakies on Tinder? Fakies, fakos.

I only match with fakies, which is weird. I've never had a match that isn't checkout sexy pics. Do fakies ever turn anyone down? No, I don't think so. Fakies are like, no. I don't even want that person checking out my site. 60 pics 60 pics do you think he's ever turned anyone down do you think he's ever like no no I don't even want that person

checking out my site too desperate it would be pretty funny though if your pictures were they went from ripped kid and then it went

through time to just disgusting at the end oh like it was like a story of you yeah over your life five pictures and the first one's like

man he was so ripped as a kid what happened oh and then the next picture is of that kid eating a thing of fudge and then discovering fudge

it would be pretty funny and then the last one is just you in your coffin and the girl's like I don't think I don't think he's alive I think this ripped kid died no and he's matched with me

and in the coffin you've got like fudge around the outside of your mouth and I was like ripped kid died No, but he's matched with me And in the coffin You've got like fudge Around the outside of your mouth I was like Oh, he died I think I know what happened Eating fudge Yeah

Oh, no My buddy and I joked around That work If you work If you had sweet legs I do And you might I don't know

I have dancers legs You have sweet shoes Which could help for this Let's hear about it But if you were in a coffin Because because they have open face coffin sandwiches. Open face club coffin. The bacon and the lettuce is on you. Open face club coffin sandwiches.

No, what is it called? Open casket. Open casket. But nobody ever just does the legs. He had the best legs and then no face and just really ripped quads. Oh, I recognize them from those legs. If it was like a Thresher accident or something, they might just do the legs. Oh, like they only had the bottom half?

Yeah, yeah. Just show off what's still there. Don't open the top. Super gross. Don't open the top. Oh, yeah. They put all the stuff in. Or if you died in one of those magician things where they saw you in half oh yeah what if you open up both sides and they were both legs like as a as a joke yes okay real funny and you close it nope there's legs on the other weird have you ever heard that joke that's like a street joke about a mortician that gets a body and it's in a blue suit.

And the wife says, like, can you put the body in a black suit? And then later that day he gets a body in the black suit and his wife wants it in a blue suit. And he's like, ah, this is a perfect, this works out perfectly. And he explains to the wife, like, well, it just so happened you wanted a black suit i had another guy in a black suit who wanted a blue suit so it was really easy all i had to do was just switch the heads that is pretty all you know i love in a joke is when uh the a phone goes off from the sorry i was just it's one of my apps uh it's a testicle app where the new pics come every once in a while. And they always come in pairs. Thank you.

Can we all tell a street joke now? Oh, sure. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, guys, I got to tell you, I love street jokes. I thought you'd be excited about this. If a comedian did it at a club or at an open mic night, I would be furious. I'd be like, this guy is, this is bullshit. Yeah, this guy's a bum.

You're being serious. You're not being sarcastic. I do love a good one. I have... I feel like you're going to hate mine. Yeah, I feel like I will too. There's two I like. I can only remember one. It's a dog walks into a bar

with a bandage on his arm and he says to the bartender, I'm here to find the man that shot my paw. That's my favorite one. Pretty good. Pretty cute. Dave, you got one? I can't remember. You can't remember one?

No. Whenever people start telling them, it comes up. But no, not now. No, fair enough. Someone told me that yesterday, otherwise. Oh, there's another good one, but it takes really now. No, fair enough. Someone told me that like yesterday. Otherwise, yeah. Oh, there's another good one,

but it takes a really long, it takes about half an hour. So, I don't know if we have time for that. I remember as a kid, there were like, it's a car ride joke. There were so many like leprosy jokes.

Oh yeah. As a kid. There was. Like, why was that a thing? Oh, because it was the, you know, it's the one group

that didn't have they didn't have a good lobby at the time they didn't have a like that's true that was pretty good testicle bay uh i still like that one but what's it yeah but what is yeah no it's all wrong everything about the joke is wrong you're right to hate it but that's why I like it it's not a movie or show it's not a dog pun it's literally just stupid

yeah it's just stupid that's what I like about it yeah it goes above and beyond really yeah wait is that a nope

just a criticism okay okay alright I had a bit I did that I and I find the clubs hate it, shows like it, like at bars and stuff, but it's about magic. It's a Vegas show.

I want to do like the woman splitting the woman in half, but it's all dick jokes. It's just a guy. Have you heard me do this? No. No, it's a great joke, though. Yeah. I've heard it. You don't need to repeat it.

Have you heard me do it? Can I just give them an idea? Sure. Okay. What you want to do is you want to have your audience show up and already know all the jokes. Well, this one never works. This one never works. I guess it's classic magic tricks, but you put a dick in it.

Right. So like woman in the casket, guy with a giant dick. You saw it in half. Dick blood sprays on the crowd. There's kids screaming. They don't know why they came here. It's an all-ages show. That's the first of about five. You saw it in half. Dick blood sprays on the crowd. There's kids screaming. They don't know why they came here. It's an all-ages show. That's the first of about five.

And it just keeps going. So people, if they like that and they come see me, you can just yell Dick Magic at me. You can hear the other four tricks. Or somebody in the crowd named Dick Magic

maybe will get up and do some up-close tricks. Can he do a show? Yeah. Richard Magic. I like that guy. What does he look like? Just a regular guy.

He wears a sparkly vest. Like all regular dudes wear? Salt of the earth. He wears a salty vest. That's your idea of a regular guy. Have you ever had to, in your travels, ever had to open for a magician? No. Or hypnotist? No. Vent open for a magician? No. Or hypnotist?

No. Ventriloquist? No. I've opened for a hypnotist before. Wrestler? No. But I had Bret Hart's brother. He's a substitute teacher in Calgary.

Yeah, I had him. Literally. Did you have him? Yep. Yeah, I had him. Did he make you do push-ups? I can't remember. He used to make me do push-ups every time I sassed him. You would s have him? Yep. Yeah, I had him. Did he make you do push-ups? I can't remember. He used to make me do push-ups every time I sassed him.

You would sass him? Yeah, yeah. What would you say? Stuff about wrestling. Like you'd wrestle talk? Wrestle talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd wrestle talk him?

I would, you know, I'd say. You'd chew the turnbuckle with him. Yeah, the Iron Sheik rules, stuff like that. Oh. Yeah, general shenanigans, and then he would get me to do push-ups. Because I had him growing up as a kid in junior high as a substitute teacher, but then when I substitute taught, I substitute taught with him at my brother's school one day, and he told me all these wrestling stories that were awesome.

Yeah. It was very similar to comedy and touring, but he also wore, in the wrestler of the movie, he looked almost exactly the same. He had the long bleach blonde hair tied back like the puffy vest. And I think the only thing missing out of the wrestler movie was he wore to school his wrestling boots. And what's his name? Nick Nolte. Who was it?

It was Gary Busey. Gary Busey. Yeah. He never, I always got them confused. He never wore that in the movie. But like in real life, the real wrestler dude did. He wore his boots. Jeans tucked into like fancy wrestling boots.

You don't remember that about him? That seems like a bad idea. Oh, I think he did. Come on. That's not a thing you just decide to do. You always do that. I don't know. There was more than one Hart brother that substituted.

I think this was Todd. Bruce? Oh, I had Brett. Brett the Hitman. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. You were a teacher? I don't think we've ever talked about this.

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I was. I taught anatomy. I taught. Actually, I had to teach sex ed. Well, yeah, I didn't have to. No. In fact, I wasn't supposed to.

In fact, it was social studies, but I did what I wanted. No, no. Yeah. I substitute taught for two years as I started comedy. Really? Yeah. And. Did you, when you were going through school, like, did you have actual plans to be a teacher or?

No, I did that. My parents wanted me to have like a fallback. Really? A fall guy plan. We're going to rob a bank and we need a patsy. With the truck. Do you remember the truck had a secret? There was one episode where they had a secret compartment.

They, they hit a guy. What TV show are we talking about? Fall guy. Oh, that was a TV show? Yeah. You don't remember fall guy? No. Oh, it's awesome. What year is it? Brown truck Fall Guy. Oh, that was a TV show? Yeah. You don't remember Fall Guy? No. Oh, it's awesome.

What year is it from? It's like a brown truck, brown. Oh, early 80s. It was a brown truck production. Oh, yeah. Different shades of brown. Just different shades of brown. I don't know where we're at.

Yeah, but I did teach for a couple years. Wait, so what's the plot of this show? It's a- Fall Guy? One guy keeps getting- I'd have to look it up. Trumped up on charges every year he like solved mysteries and murders and drugs he solved drugs oh boy he solved the drug problem

yeah by legalizing it yeah take that nancy reagan but uh so you did teaching for a couple years and then you were like you've made enough at comedy to say fuck this i'm not doing this anymore. Yeah, it was never what I wanted to do. It was like, I felt there was times I felt like the movie Half Nelson. Oh, yeah. Where he's like a drug addict teacher. Because I would go do shows at night.

And then I remember one specifically, we had this crazy variety show in Calgary once a month. And I did that one night. And then I remember one specifically, we had this crazy variety show in Calgary once a month. And I did that, uh, one night and I was like really hung over the next morning and I had to teach volleyball the next afternoon. And I woke up and basically was so sick in the morning. Like I was like, I'm throwing up and I leave my townhouse and on the corner, I look over and out on his porch is the bartender from the night before smoking and I looked at him and he looked at me and I was like I don't have time to figure

this out like I have no idea what's happening right now but it turned out he lived like two doors down from me and I had no idea but that's when I felt that thing to figure out the the easiest answer what do you mean no but I like never seen him before. Oh no, the easier explanation is the bartender followed me home. Followed me home and now he's like taking care of me.

Did a home invasion and now is hanging out across the street. Or I'm still constantly stalking me. They've decorated the bar to look like my house. It was weird though.

It was very two different worlds. I couldn't even imagine Going like Being hungover And then having to Teach volleyball Just be

I was a hung Well yeah You were a hunk? I was a hunk I was a hunk Please welcome Mr. Hunk Your substitute teacher And then come in

Like throwing up and flexing This is how you become A ripped kid Your substitute teacher. And I come in like throwing up and flexing. This is how you become a ripped kid. The kid's like, beer. Yeah. What did you, did you teach anything specific or did substitute teachers just do everything? I was pure volleyball. I was pure volleyball and sex ed. That's all I did.

Bump, set, bang. That was my slogan. Bump, set, bang. For both my slogan. Bump, set, bang. For both. Safely. Yeah. Bump, sex, bang, safely. No, I have a degree, an art degree, like visual art.

So my, but you can teach anything in Alberta. Like you just have to have a degree, then get your teaching, master's of teaching, and then you can teach whatever subject. As long as you feel comfortable. Right. Like if you're like, I suck at math, then you can teach whatever subject as long as you feel comfortable right like if you're like i suck at math then you probably shouldn't teach math really so you don't have to specialize have you ever like had a substitute teacher that knew anything yeah exactly oh you're not oh you're not a math genius oh okay no but if you are a full-time teacher like a lot of people substitute before they get hired full-time, right?

Yeah. Like that's your way into the system. Isn't it? Yeah. I, uh, it usually, a lot of times it depends on like the demand for teachers at the time. And when I went through, um, they like, it was the weirdest. I remember graduating. I got early interviews and they wanted to hire me which is

when you're in teaching what everybody would want everybody would want that they're like so happy i literally i remember went to my truck started crying because i was like what am i doing like i don't want to be of i want to do comedy yeah i don't want to be and uh i called my buddy trent and he's like yeah i would just sub for a while like don't go into something you don't want to do comedy. Yeah, I don't want to be a teacher. And I called my buddy Trent and he's like, yeah, I would just sub for a while. Like, don't go into something you don't want because then that's how people kind of get trapped in things. You know, you get seniority, you start getting paid more. Next thing you know, it's five years in and you haven't done stand-up. You've become a teacher, which maybe you don't want at the time.

Right. So that was one of those moments. It was tough because I was like, ah, like everybody kind of wants the position. And I'm the one guy like bawling in his truck. Yeah, you're like, well, I don't actually want to do this. But it was the best part-time job. And you're not really supposed to, but there's such a demand for teachers. You aren't really supposed to sub for like two different boards.

But I had Catholic board and the separate board substitute. And I remember it was so great. Why did you have to do differently? Speaking of board. Okay. Really? i thought finally i'm like i'm talking real i'm not making testicle jokes and then i still get shit on i'd wake up and miss like 65 calls you're riding you're riding the razor's edge with me i know you can't know what you want. But it was, in general, like you hated it? I mean, it was fun at times, but it started coming in the morning, and there's screaming kids, and I'm not a morning person. I probably had been at a show and drinking the night before.

You were covered in glitter. Yeah, you showed up at two of the wrong schools. I literally. What? You went to the wrong schools. Oh, man. You show up just at the end of the class. I'm like, hey the wrong schools. Oh, man. Show up just at the end of the class. I'm like, hey, I'm your substitute, Mr. Gordon.

Teacher's like, what are you doing in my classroom? Ugh, wrong school. I like how, though, whether I leave a comedy show or whether I left subbing, I was covered in glitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the end of my day. Just wiping glitter off my sweaty face. Oh, hard day of social studies. When I made the reenact the war of 1812 with glitter.

I haven't talked about my He-Man head yet. That's fine. We'll save it for next time. Are we done? We're not done. No, we go around. We all talk about our lives. Yeah, it's a round table. It's like The View. We'll save it for next time. Are we done? We're not done. No, we go around. We all talk about our lives. Yeah, it's a round table. It's like The View. Yeah, it's a hot topic.

Yeah, it's a day full of hot topics. Dave, what's going on? Guys, check out these bad boys. I've been waiting for this. We're recording this on the 12th, 2nd of January. Yeah.

Graham's about to head to Toronto for a couple weeks, so we're banking a bunch of episodes. And I think this is the last one we're banking. You can just make this a two-part series. What? Like, you're going to do another?

Yeah, sure, okay. Chris Gordon continued. So, no need to download next week's episode. Ah, God. This is what I come for. The ritual abuse. So yeah, I'm on paternity leave right now. Because?

Because I have a baby. And I'm loving every minute of it. You told me earlier. Yeah. It came out of your vagina. It came out of my vagina, yeah. Which is kind of cool to hear. Absolutely.

This is exactly the kind of stuff I don't say into a microphone. Yet I'm forcing you by leading you up to it. Oh, absolutely you are. And what comes out of your penis when it's not pee? Dust. Ew. So you had an old baby uh now but like i like so every day i'm home yeah but the week between christmas and new year's it's like there's no reason my life should be any lazier

or slower right but it absolutely has been it's like the whole world is, is shut down. Yeah, it does. It feels like, uh, like war times. Yeah. I, well, I gotta stay inside. There's the blitz going on. The glitter blitz. Um, but, uh, yeah, so a lot of staying home, a lot of, uh, they're just running marathons

of every TV show on every channel right now. Yeah. You know, you can sit down for those. You don't have to. What? Run a marathon. Oh, no, no. No, I was like, don't, don't.

He waited. He waited. I know we all did with bated breath. No, I loved it. I thought it was great. I think my, I think, can I record a special where you're just in the audience as I do jokes? Oh, please.

That would be fantastic. I would be good. So here's what's going on. I've been doing some Boxing Day shopping. Namely, I just got these boots. Yeah. Now what's what's going on. Uh, I've been doing some boxing day shopping. Uh-huh. Namely, I just got these boots. Yeah. Um, now what, what's going on here?

What brand are they? Well, let me tell you. Okay. I, uh, for like the last five years, I owned a pair of Clark's desert boots. Sure. Oh. And they, uh, they eventually, I wore a hole through the sole with all my walking. Uh, and they were like my go-to shoe, my main, my main squeeze.

Yeah, your main man. And then, uh, I saw these in a store window a few months ago and they are a, a desert boot with a green stripe up the side. Uh, and it is, seems to be just painted on. Yeah. It's very unusual i like it now a pair of desert boots from clark's i'm not bragging it's gonna cost you like 130 140 bucks i don't have it don't have it uh i'm not bringing i'm a little bit bragging hey i had 140 bucks

last year or five years ago or whatever. Um, so I saw these in a window, but then I, I never bought them and I didn't know. But you dreamt about them. I didn't know what they were. And I went to the store's website that sold these and I couldn't find them on the website. And then. Like these are reject boots of jerk bathing. And then I saw them on sale on the website for this store on Boxing Day. And they were, um, uh, it turns out they are Clark's, but they're a, a co, uh, whatever

collaboration with this Japanese company called Sakai. Ah. And they are, they were charging $530 for them. And what they are is the regular boot with paint on it. With paint on it, yeah. And they increased the price by $400. And then on Boxing Day, they just sold it for the regular price. Yeah.

$140. Yeah, around that. They're definitely like a conversation shoe. Yeah, and that's what I want to do. I want to talk. Yeah, I run that. They're definitely like a conversation shoe. Yeah, and that's what I want to do. I want to talk. Hey, what's with those shoes? Oh, let me tell you. These are...

Yeah, so I'm curious about how... It's just going to like flake off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. And it's... I don't know. That's the same thing. I bought like a pair of Converse shoes that were.

Yeah, get them up there. Some fancy designer. But nobody cares, you know what I mean? And then eventually they have to sell them. Oh, yeah, exactly. Well, especially because this is like, how does two stripes of paint add $400 to the regular price of a shoe? Yeah, if anything, I'd say those shoes have been vandalized. Yeah, exactly.

Fun though, right? They are fun. Were they Ed Hardy Converse? Yeah, yeah. That's all I wear. I only wear Ed Hardy. He wears Ed Hardy everything. Yeah, I eat Ed Hardy cereal for breakfast.

But all collaborations. When he was a baby, he wore Ed Hardy Oshkosh Bagaj. Can I touch your shoes? Yeah. Okay. With your hands. i thought you like the testicles um hey are those is the have you tried scratching the green uh stripe to see if it smells no experiment is it a scratch and sniff no i don't think so oh man this the best. Can you put that picture up? His foot was going to his face.

Yeah, no, I'm very flexible. Oh, man. He's a yogi. I've got these great dancer's legs. Oh, yeah. I'm very flexible. I'm kind of your dream guy. I'm a super ripped kid. You kind of are my dream guy.

Speaking of bored, I've been waiting to say that during what you were talking about. Also, what I did is I smashed a board. Damn it! What? Chris! What happened? What happened? Did I miss something again?

He was giving you an in to say, speaking of bored. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Guys, I already said it, and then that confused me. Yeah, I know. I'm not supposed to say it again. Well, I already said it, and then that confused me. Yeah, I know. I'm supposed to say it again. Well. I'm really bad with setups. Or punchlines.

I'm kind of bad with both of those things, I've decided. But you're fun. That's a pretty good review to put. He's bad with setups and punchlines, but he's fun. He's fun. And he has fun with it, which is the great part. So, yeah. Been a lazy fun. Yeah. And he has fun with it. Yeah. Which is the great part. Yeah. So, yeah. Been a lazy week.

Yeah. Haven't shaved. Great boot stripes. Ordered some boots on the internet. Pulling yourself up by your boot stripes. Ordered some boots on the internet because I've been too lazy to go to a store in my own town. Yep.

Oh, these were sent to you. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, you didn't try them on. So, the same fit because they're Clark. Yeah. You knew what size. Okay.

That works. But. That's you didn't try them on. So the same fit because they're Clark. Yeah. You knew what size. Okay. That works. But, that's still a risk though. I think I've tried on same pair of shoes and it'd be like different sizes, like same company.

I tried on same pair of shoes and it'd be different size. And you can quote me on that. So yeah, super lazy. Super lazy. Yeah. you uh you went home to calgary i did before that nearly got in a fistfight with an old drunk man at a show no uh on christmas eve at a bar is this your family yes my dad owns a bar I eat 10 bar and we just try to, you know, overcome the generation gap. Is that Sullivan and Son?

Yeah, or something. Or some show. Yeah, this old dude, I was having drinks with a friend and just in the- Was this at dinner, like at late night Christmas Eve? Yeah, at the Hotel Vancouver, which is very- Ooh, she, she. Like a nice, nice place to go get a drink in the lounge. I thought you were in Calgary.

I was. I went on Christmas Day. Oh. But yeah, this dude just right, like out of nowhere. First of all, he pulled up a chair to somebody else's table. Like there was a couple having drinks and he just pulled up a chair and started talking to them. Yeah, I'll do that. No, I looked at you before you said that.

I was like, you seem like the type. I wasn't even supposed to be here. I just brought my own chair and sat down. So they were already pretty uncomfortable. And then, you know, the whole lounge was pretty much empty and he's like sitting like right at the table next to us and just out of nowhere turns around he's like what do you shut the fuck up and i was like i was like i don't think so i'm pretty sure that's not how this is gonna go old drunk man wow and i kept looking at uh my friend daniel who i was with and i was like

looking at him like are we into beating this guy up on Christmas Eve? Is this something we're going to do? And he was very not into it. I was like, no, sir, just turn around, go back to your business, and everything will be fine. And he kept. He said that or you did? My friend did. Oh, okay.

Because I was very ready. You're already doing karate moves. Yeah. You're cracking up. You're already warming up. I'm taking off my shirt. Anyways, he... You're oiling yourself up.

I was like, just go back to your business. Go back to where you came from. He said, I'm here. I'm just trying to have a good time with my friends. They're Chinese. And I was like, oh, damn it. Were those the people who he had forced himself upon? Yes.

Yeah. They were not his friends. And they were. Were they Chinese? They were petrified that this was about. And yes, they were Chinese. It's kind of fun if they weren't. I guess at the hotel, they weren't from around here.

I'm sure they were just a couple that were like, let's go have a nice quiet drink at the, at the hotel bar. The least rowdy place in the city should be anyway. So, uh, yeah, the guy ended up getting like kicked out and they had to like lock the door on him. What? Yeah. Of a hotel. Yeah. They had to like close the, the the the uh kind of separating things and

tell him to like because we we still had drinks okay so you you're right so you were still i guess the there's a the he wasn't kicked out of the whole hotel no he was like he was kicked out of the bar okay and what was this guy like was he a normal looking guy like he wasn't he was just like an old shitty old guy just but he had a sparkle yeah yeah yeah he had a sparkle in his eye which is important uh yeah it's just like one of these i don't know if you've ever like if you've ever gone to a dive bar and there's just like some old guy that's drunk that decides he thinks he can fight that was him that was him that's that guy that was that guy have you ever had that before

surely after a show at some dive bar somebody's come up to like why do you assume i only play dive bars because of you know all of it yeah i do the corporate for the dive bar council homeless corporate but yeah there's just this class of guys. They're about 60 and they just, they're just, they're probably deadbeat dads. They just, they don't have much going on and they decide they're going to get in a fight because they. And the bartender knows their name. Yeah. Because he's been told not to come back, not to come back here. So who comes in?

Like hotel security? No, there was, it was just like, he tried to get another drink at the bar and they told him to leave. They were like, get out. And he left. Because they knew something was brewing. And he kept at me. I was pretty good that I kept my composure. I was like, all right.

Because really. Do you fight? Have you been in a fight? Yeah, I've been in fights fight? You don't seem like. Yeah, I've been in fights, but I don't pursue them. Do you do like the double axe handle move? Yeah, yeah. I go, I try and find the highest point to jump off of.

I scan every room before I go into it. What can I jump off of in here? Really? When's the last time you've been in a fight? Christmas Eve. Oh, right. It was actually the last time you've been in a fight? Christmas Eve. Oh, right. It was actually the last time that I was like involved. Every Christmas Eve.

That's a kind of a tradition. I was involved in a thing with, we went out for pizza after a show and John Doerr was there. Oh, yeah. And there was a fight in a pizza place. You and John Doerr are totally who I thought would be fighters. That's who I think is fighters. John Doerr, totally who I thought would be fighters. That's who I think is fighters.

This lady was punching this dude, and we took them outside. And she tried to run back into the pizza place, and I caught her around the waist and ended up tearing something in my shoulder. I remember that. Yeah, yeah. You fought an old lady. She wasn't old. She was huge. She was like two of me, which is like 800 pounds. Like three ripped kids in a trench coat.

But three wide, not three tall. Anyways, yeah, so that's the last time I was in like, not in a fight fight, but in a physical. I've been in a fight on the bus. That was no good. What? Really? Really? but in a physical... I've been in a fight on the bus.

That was no good. What? Really? Yeah, because sometimes there will be a guy that's like drunk and falling all over old people. Do you throw punches in these fights? Or throw elbows? I try to just grab and hold. Mostly you just tear shoulders.

You tear your own shoulder every time. I had to go to like physio. I just ended up spending like $300 to like fix that. That's like two green striped shoes. Yeah. That's why I had to go to like physio. I just ended up spending like $300 to like fix that. That's like two green striped shoes. Yeah. Don't, that's why. No, it's like two sets. Thank you.

That's why I'm in socks. I like your bus joke, by the way. You don't have to do it because I know I get. But I like the one you were working on, the doctor thing. Which? Is there a doctor on the bus? That, no, that was somebody else's joke. I was just telling you.

Oh, then I really like their humor. Yeah, very good. Have you been in a fight? No, not like grade four with my best friend. Oh, no? Are you guys still friends? No, I killed him. He's dead.

They had an open bottom casket. They had an open bottom casket. An open bottom casket so he fell out the bottom? It's even grosser when they're ripped kid legs at the bottom. Yeah, no, and then besides that,

like in sports, I have rage problems when it comes to like hockey, lacrosse, like things I played. I would be in the penalty box and getting in fights there. But not in real life. Like in real life where it's not like a game and there's a ref and there's a ref.

I would never fight. No, yeah. There's almost surely zero upside to it. What about like board games? Fight like punching somebody in the face. Yeah. During a board game. Are you that competitive? Oh, like that. I mean, yeah, I'm pretty competitive, I guess, but.

In what? In board games. Oh, I'm speaking of boards. I knew something was coming and my brain couldn't figure it out. I was setting you up, you son of a bitch. You're too thick to know. I'm not going to get any of these. You guys both spent some time in the penalty box, all right?

Let's move on to Overheard, shall we? Speaking of games, I did it wrong. Oh, hey there, everybody. I'm Guy Branum, and welcome to Pop Rocket, a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love. With me to talk TV, film, music, and anything else entertaining are journalist Margaret Wappler, academic, writer, and anything else entertaining, are journalist Margaret Wappler, academic, writer, and DJ Oliver Wang,

digital strategist Winner Mitchell, and comedian Santina Muha. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five cranky Hollywood 30-somethings. No name-calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of role play. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too. And I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Pop Rocket comes out every week from MaximumFun.org.

I listen to Bullseye because each interview makes me really care about who the person is and what they're doing. I have never heard an interviewer so genuinely thanked by teaching everyone a good subject. Jesse does a fantastic job of really bringing people out and making them feel comfortable. You can really just feel a kinship. His interview with Vince Staples made me cry. Bullseye, your guide to what's good from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard.

Now, what are these? Well, that's where you, the people, and us, the other people, go out there in the world. We hear things. Yeah. We report them back here. Okay. Simple as that. We always like to start with the guest.

And you've got one, right? You've got one cooking. I tried to remember one. I didn't know it was coming in. And I told you this the other night at the show I tried to remember one. I didn't know it was coming in. And I told you this the other night at the show. And I was mad I didn't write it down. So I was telling my friend this before I came here. Who's another comic I mentioned?

Brent Hall. Sometimes comic. Sometimes. And I said, do you have one? Because the best I heard at breakfast was a needle. Which right away my OCD is like, what is she talking about? Does she have a needle? Is there age on it?

You just heard a person say needle? They said like a hypodermic needle. And I was like, uh-oh. But I didn't have a full sentence, so I couldn't take anything from that. A hypodermic needle. Is that even the term? Yeah, under the skin. Yeah, that's it.

Okay. And yeah, so that wasn't that good. But what he said I liked is he said, I like when you hear somebody just say, so I got the fuck out of there. And because he's like, that's never a good situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought that would be funny if it was. Like, you never hear someone who's like, yeah, so I went in to get Johnny the cake. They had spelt the right letters and it looked great.

So I got the fuck out of there. That's the cake. They had spelt the right letters, and it looked great, so I got the fuck out of there. That's pretty good, yeah. Spelled the right letters. I'm not the best with the English language. But it's good. Went for a job interview. They loved me. We shook hands, and they said they'd call me,

so I got the fuck out of there. And that's when I was like, oh, maybe I have a new bit on my hands. And I asked him, and he said, uh, no. Yeah. Then he said, get the fuck out of here. So I got the fuck out of there. Dave, do you have it over here? Okay.

Um, well, let's see. What did daddy got here? In the old notepad. Um, uh, I was walking down Main Street the other day And they had, there was a I guess it's like a bakery And they had a sign in the window They had a few different like blackboard

Chalkboard signs And one of them just said I love my kittens Crumpet and no name kitten This is a sign in a bakery? Yeah. I didn't know we were allowed. That's a thing?

Yes. It's not even an overheard. That's an overseen. Seen. Signed. Yeah. Do you have something that you oversaw? No, I just didn't know it was part of it.

Oh, okay. You'll know for next time. Do you have anything you've oversigned? Yeah. Nope. I don't think so. Like a gorilla that signed Coco coco yeah amy thinks you pretty have you had that at a show where it's a deaf table and they have an interpreter

uh yeah actually i have had that twice now that i think of it was it a deaf comedy jam uh yes that felt like your i would have made that joke. Yeah, I know. Now you should be disappointed in yourself. No, no. Now, do you have an overheard? And also, do you have a no-name kitten? No. I don't have any of those. If you love your cat, wouldn't you give it a name?

No, because it's the guy who founded President's Choice. Oh, Galen Weston. Yeah. The guy who founded President's Choice. Oh, Galen Weston. Yeah. My overheard comes courtesy of flying home on an airplane. Not to brag.

Wait, when was this? This was a couple days ago. Okay, yeah. For your post fight. Post. Post fight. Yeah. And there was a little girl that she was behind me when we were going through security. And I was like, boy, this girl has no off switch.

It was just constant talking. And her mom was just like, had come to the end of answering her questions. It was just like, shush, shush, shush. And just like constant questions and statements about everything. I mean, an airport is a crazy place. Oh, yeah. And then we got on the plane, and before we were taking off, she just kept saying to her mom. She also had an English accent, so, you know, kids with English accents.

Super cute. Super ripped. Yeah. I know. She kept saying, Mommy, Mommy, I need a gulp of water. And the mom was like, no, shush, shush. We have to wait. We have to wait until the plane takes off.

And she goes, but mommy, I'm thirsty. And then she just kept saying it. She just kept like, mommy, mommy. And the mom would be like, if you say anything about water like how this kid is dying yeah and nobody will just just a gulp of water she kept saying that a gulp of water they know it's christmas but it was i don't know that she just kept and then she would like preface it differently i wanted to know something i noticed that I would like a gulp of water Now what was the problem Did the mother just

She was waterless at that point Yeah she didn't have The plane hadn't taken off yet They don't come around Well before the flight takes off Before I go for a flight I make sure I bring bottles and bottles of water with me Oh a little trick

That's a little travelers trick I have Well I was going to suggest one. No, no, no. Here's my traveler's trick. You bring a bunch of water. What?

Okay. I go to Starbucks and ask for an ice water so you get the good quality water without buying like a bottle.

You know what I mean? That's what I did last time. Other airport tricks, handicap washroom. I'm telling you,

there's a lot of room in there and nobody uses it. What do you need the room for? My wheelchair. Okay, that's fun. Always travel as a handicap person, I'm telling you. You get the best treatment. Oh, man. You had you scored one, you knocked one out of the park.

And then I like to take it away. Yeah, it's like you ran out to the parking lot, grabbed the ball, threw it back into play. That is a trick I use, though. Yeah? Both of those, yeah. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us by people around the world. This first one comes to us from Edward R. So, I was vacationing in Cape Cod this past weekend.

And while I was swimming around in a pond, I saw a kid swimming away from the shore with their dad. The kid turned around and yelled to his mom, Bye, Mom. See you in a hundred years. That's creepy. That was the last thing he said to me, and it's, well, it's been 90 years,

and we still haven't seen him. I love how far behind you are in these. It's like it transport you said to me. And it's, well, it's been 90 years and we still haven't seen it. I love how far behind you are in these. It's like it transports you to summer. Yeah. It's July 15th. I was in Cape Cod. Kids were swimming. They were freezing cold.

Yeah. Kids were dying. Did you guys do the polar bear swim on New Year's Day? I don't know. I don't get it. I don't get it. I've done it every year. No, course i have i go out there new year's day minus six outside uh-huh and what i like to do i put on my skivvies you put on your snow coat yeah put on my snow swimsuit my snow

speedo yeah i go out and I fight a whale. Yeah. For its blubber. Because that's what polar bears do, right? Well, no, I go out there and it's how I keep warm. Oh, I see. I steal the blubber of a whale. You fight the, yeah.

Oh, boy. Also, the fight's got to keep you pretty warm, right? I feel like being eaten by a whale would be the warmest. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what the point of Pinocchio was, right? Getting eaten by a whale is the greatest. What did they do? Light a fire and then he spat him out?

What? Was that Noah in the whale? Was it Jonah? Jonah Hill? Jonah Hill from the... From Moneyball? Was he in the lion's den? No, that was Daniel.

Boy, there was a lot going on in Pinocchio in the Bible. Yeah. I saw a question. Was there anything scarier than Pinocchio in that whale? I don't know. I've never seen it, but I've seen screen caps. Yeah, it was scary. When he was in the whale?

It was pretty scary. Yeah. What journey? Was he a man at that point? Jesus Christ. What are you, Chris Gordon-ing me all of a sudden? I was going to, but you're already

doing a good job at it. Okay, I don't know the story of Pinocchio. Yes, you do. Can I, okay. It's about a puppet that turns into real life.

Can I try to recreate it vis-a-vis what I know about it? Yeah. Pinocchio. Yeah. Chapter one. The woodening.

Ooh. Pinocchio Was a little Puppet Created by Geppetto Yeah Pretty ripped He didn't Yeah he's carved him

Six pack abs He had a Conscience who was a cricket Named Jiminy And then he wanted To become a boy Yeah Then he did

Yeah The end When he lied His nose grew Oh yes absolutely Yeah And then he wanted to become a boy. Yeah. Yeah. Then he did. Yeah. The end. When he lied, his nose grew. Oh, yes, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So he's got three things.

He wants to become a person. He, I guess it's sort of about like he wants voters' rights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. He wants to become a person. When he lies, his nose grows. Even when he's a person or just when he's a puppet? And there's something about him turning into a donkey, right? Oh, yeah.

That's right. And also the whale. Yeah, he gets swallowed by a whale. When, is he a human or a puppet? Puppet. When he gets swallowed by the whale, he's a puppet? Yeah. When's he a puppy?

I guess he's- Oh, that's the Pound Puppies presents Pinocchio. Oh. Oh, boy. This is like- Pupnokio. I honestly could not tell you what the story of Pinocchio is. How does it end?

Is he a boy or a puppet? Boy. Oh, he. There's a saw accident where he gets cut in half. Yeah. And they put him in a bottomless casket. And then Geppetto has to pick what half he wants. And he says, you know what?

I would rather get the whole child. And they go, oh, good answer. That's a real Geppetto's choice. This next one comes from Sheena G, not Sheena E. Or Sheena E. Or Sheena Easton. That's right. My boyfriend was on the bus and overheard an eight-year-old kid talking to his mom.

The kid says, i smell the future i smell us getting older i feel like i can smell tomorrow and chicken oh man oh my god that's maybe the greatest overheard of all time. That's pretty awesome. Yeah. I could smell tomorrow. That kid is definitely blind. We know that. We know that for a while. Oh, boy.

Like, would you, what sense would you give up to be able to smell the future? Hearing. All right. I'm not sure what he said. But it smelled good. Smell the future. Yeah. But what would you be able to decipher?

I know how you'll die. Yeah. You, old bananas. Oh, you think the smell translate literally? Yeah. Okay. Oh, like symbolic smells? Yeah, symbolic.

Like old bananas means like, uh-oh, you have foot cancer or whatever. Right. I don't think that's a thing. God, what? Like, honestly, I cannot put together what could possibly be the plot of Pinocchio. Knowing those five elements. Oh, we're back to that. Yeah.

He gets swallowed by the whales. The last thing they start a fire in that makes the whales sneeze. That's true. If anybody could smell the future, it's when Pinocchio lies. Oh, and then his nose grows. He got that nose, though. You do that thing? Oh, yeah.

I'm very hip. Yeah. Dave's bae. Oh, my God. I'm somebody's bae. Yeah. Hella turnt. Yeah. Dave's bae. Oh my God. I'm somebody's bae. Yeah. Hella turnt. Yeah.

Ratchet. Those are also things. Yeah. Oh boy. Kids. Were these added to the dictionary this year? What was? I know, uh, vaped was.

These words? Vaped was? Vaped was the number one, uh, Oxford. And yet I don't know what it means. To drink. To drink. To smoke. To drink a cigarette. To smoke an electronic cigarette? Yeah, or to smoke something that's been vaporized using a vaporizer.

And yet, growing up, it was something a supervillain would do. Vaporize them. Yeah, well, see, you give it enough time. There was a wasted girl at one of the corporates that was vaping. And I asked what flavor it was, and she goes, I mixed them all. Oh, cool. It's like a gross shit mix. Oh, that's like last episode.

What? Were you on, did we talk about swamp? We did Fanta tweets or something. Oh, yeah. Swamp water. That was a good time. Yeah. This last one.

I'll always cherish that time with you. No, you hated that. Oh, I did? You literally at one point, every time it went around to me, I said the same thing. So like on the third one, you turned and went, okay, Chris, do your stupid thing. Are you sure you're not talking about this episode? Yeah, well, it feels all the same. This last one comes from Nicole T. in Poughkeepsie, New York.

Fun. I just found a blog page my roommate and I ran while we were at college chronicling some of the best overheards we overheard on campus. So this was from nine years in the past. You are behind. A guy walks up to, this is in a library. Guy walks up to the circulation desk at the library and talks to the clerk while on his cell phone.

Guy, yeah, do you have any books about jackhammers? Clerk, I don't know. I can go look. Guy interrupting, oh, shit, I got to go. My cooking's on fire. My cooking's on fire. My cooking's on fire. That's a weird way to say it. I shouldn't have come down here.

I shouldn't have started cooking, come down here to get a book about Jack Amherst. That is a crazy life. I like that guy. Yeah. Always on the go. Always two projects ahead. My cooking. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't say what you're cooking. It's like a mystery that you just want to reveal what he's burning. Look, I don't want to blow up my spot, but my spot's blowing up. Is that kind of thing? I'm very good with slangs. Oh, yeah.

You're one of the slangier guys I know. I'm slanging that yay. What does that mean? Oh, I steal cocaine. Oh, that's yay-yo. Oh, but slang in that. Yay. What does that mean? Oh, I deal cocaine. Oh, that's yay. Yo. Oh, but you shorten it to yay. I get it.

Wait, I thought yay. Yo was heroin. No. Oh, I don't. I asked once because I was in a fair for cocaine and somebody said, would you like some yay? Yo some like, maybe not that polite, but, and I was like, I'm sorry. I don't know what that is. You're like, I'll have some hip hip. Hooray. I'll have some Oreos. some like maybe not that polite but and i was like i'm sorry i don't know what that is you're

like i'll have some hip hip hooray i'll have some oreos uh what what that made me think of was the last thing i was thinking can i address that if you can smell the future how does he recognize the past because this is from nine years ago so does he smell the past to that kid yeah yeah yeah he can smell both can this guy smell what he's burning and also pinocchio wait like where does it start and begin and end you really need to watch pinocchio tonight i feel like can i just get i'm looking up the story of pinocchio right now okay is it from the is it from scripture it's from italy from the bible yeah uh go to the image, the freeze frame where there's a girl sitting on his face and she says, lie to me, Pinocchio, lie to me.

That's a comic. Go to the image. Yep, that's a Playboy comic. Go to the image. Yeah, you there looking at the internet. Password to the image. Smell the image. Go to the image.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. I'm sure Graham will get to the story of Smell the image. Go to the image. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. I'm sure Graham will get to the story of Pinocchio somewhere in the next few

minutes. Absolutely. But for the, in the meantime, let's start hearing these phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone

number is 206-339-8328. Can you give them my number too? Yeah. What's yours again? 403-708-6473. And if you want to call me, please just text me

pound 7 or 7 pound first. Okay, and then you'll write back and say, Oh yeah, call me. Okay. Here are your phone calls. Hey Dave Graham and possible awesome guests. This is Tim from Dresden, Maine.

So I was shopping somewhere yesterday. And I heard this family. And this little girl sneezes. And the mom said, God bless you. And then the little girl says, I'm going to pick my nose and bring it home. My favorite part was that somebody, was that somebody honking? I think that's the same guy that's cooking is on fire and jackhammering is so much going on right now. Texts are coming in, your cooking's on fire.

I thought it was maybe you had just turned your phone to vibrate. I'm texting that guy in the past through my smells. Now, Graham, any updates on Pinocchio? Do you want to? Okay, here's how it boils down. Okay, Pinocchio. This is from the Disney cartoon. Made a wish.

Geppetto made a wish that his boy would be a wood. So it starts with Jiminy Cricket He's telling the story He's the narrator Oh boy They can't have kids right? Him and his wife Jiminy and Eleanor Cricket

Jiminy watches He has slow sperm As Geppetto finishes work on a wooden marionette Whom he names Pinocchio Before falling asleep Geppetto makes a wish on a star That Pinocchio would be a real boy. When he wished upon a star?

Yeah, that's where that came from. Makes no... Yeah. That's where Brian Wilson got the idea for Surfer Girl. Really? From that song? Yeah, it's the same melody. Yeah.

During the night, the Blue Fairy visits the workshop and brings Pinocchio to life, although he still remains a puppet. The Blue Fairy is drugs. Yeah brings Pinocchio to life, although he still remains a puppet. The Blue Fairy is drugs. Yeah, it's absent. She informs him that if he proves himself brave, truthful, and unselfish, he will become a real boy and assigns Jiminy Cricket to be his conscience. Have you ever been assigned to be someone's conscience? Only once. And it did not end well. I would not hold up my end of the bargain.

You know whose conscience I was? Charles Mans it did not end up. I would not hold up my end of the bargain. You know whose conscience I was? Charles Manson. Oh, no. I know. I'm sorry. Oh, you know what, Charles? I don't care what you do.

You know what? I'm tired of being your conscience. You just do whatever you want. Oh, no, don't do that. I trust you. Oh, no, I didn't mean that. Okay, so then Geppettoetto Speaking of Brian Wilson or Dennis Wilson

Charles Manson Was good friends with him On his way to school Dennis Wilson This cross talk is giving me a headache No one's listening anymore Pinocchio is led astray By Honest John the Fox

What? And his companion Gideon the Cat No one's listening anymore. Pinocchio is led astray by Honest John the Fox. What? And his companion, Gideon the Cat. No, man. Who convinced him to join Stromboli's puppet show. Despite Jiminy's objections, Pinocchio becomes Stromboli's star attraction as a marionette. There's nothing in my conscience that says I shouldn't become part of a puppet show. Yeah, he's supposed to be going to school. Oh, okay.

Yeah, and he goes and joins this puppet show instead. As a puppet, he was supposed to be going to school. Yeah, well, there are some logic flaws. Also, this was Italy, pre-war Italy. So there was all sorts of things going to school. When was this, like the 1400s? Yeah, dogs had voting rights um uh so then uh dogs driving hovercrafts sorry that's just in my brain now that's cool stromboli

locks it's welcome uh pinocchio in a bird cage and jimmy arrives to see pinocchio and he's unable to free him the blue fairy then appears and asks pinocchio why he wasn't at to see Pinocchio and is unable to free him. The Blue Fairy then appears and asks Pinocchio why he wasn't at school. Ask Pinocchio? Jiminy urges Pinocchio to tell the truth, but instead he starts telling lies, which causes his nose to grow. Pinocchio vows to be good from now on.

This is exhausting. Meanwhile. B-storyline. Phoebe has trouble with a client. Honest John and Gideon meet a coach man who promises to pay them big money if they can find him stupid little boys to take to Pleasure Island. What? That sentence is wrong. Ripped little boys.

Stupid little ripped kids. Pleasure Island? Wow. Then Pinocchio befriends. I don't like that you're stinking. Sticking your fingers in the bottle now. That's weird. That's just my thing.

He befriends somebody named Lampwick, a delinquent boy. With no rules or authority to stop them, Pinocchio and the other boys soon enjoy gambling, smoking, getting drunk, and vandalizing. How much longer is this? And can we stop? Nope, we can't stop. The boys, the coachmen, brought all make jackasses of themselves by becoming real donkeys to work in the salt

mines and circuses. This is dark as shit! And how did they do that? Did the Blue Fairy have something to do with that? I don't know. I don't know how. Oh, it's the island harbors a terrible curse. Okay.

So the. As all islands do. Jiminy runs back to warn Pinocchio only to find Lampwick transformed into a terrified donkey. But Pinocchio manages to escape with only donkey's ears and a tail. Upon returning home, Pinocchio and Jiminy find the workshop empty and learn through a message that Geppetto has left to search for him and was swallowed up by a giant whale named Monstro. Monstro? Yep. Wow. And is now living in his belly, determined to rescue him.

Living? He's made a, you know what, I'm going to make a go of it here. He's not trying to escape. He's made up. You know what? I'm going to make a go of it here. He's not trying to escape. He's settled down. I had to get a whale visa to live inside a whale. Determined to rescue his father. Oh, my immigration lawyers are like, it's not going to happen. Pinocchio jumps into the sea with Jiminy accompanying him.

Pinocchio is soon swallowed by Monstro, where he is reunited with Geppetto. Oh, well, that's nice. Pinocchio devises a plan to make Monstrous sneeze, giving them a chance to escape. The plan works, but the enraged whale chases them and smashes their raft. Yeah, that's stressful. They all wash up on the beach.

On the other side, Geppetto and Jiminy survive, but Pinocchio lays motionless face down in a tide pool. Because he's a puppet. But you would think he would be the thing they could glass on to or whatever, because he's wood, right? Yeah. Glasp.

Glass right onto that. Blue fairy, however, decides that Pinocchio has proven himself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and he is reborn as a real human boy. Even though he did all those bad things and he just did one good thing. Oh, and Jiminy steps outside to thank the fairy and is rewarded a solid gold badge that certifies him as an official conscience. What?

So his reward is just now he has to be a conscience? Well, what was he doing before? You know, rubbing his legs together to get other crickets horny? Oh, that's right. Oh. Solid take. Do you hear that? Oh, itickets horny that's right oh that's all it takes do you hear that oh it's horny cricket um okay here's your next one go that story is terrible it's not for children it's not for adults it's garbage it makes no sense i've never seen the movie i will never

see the movie it's scary it's so scary scary. I hope Walt Disney is in hell. I hope all Italians. Only the bottom half. His head is still here with us. It's frozen. Cryogenically frozen. There it is. He's got his balls in his mouth. Here's your next phone call.

So he can still have kids later. Hey, Dave, Graham and guests. This is Jake from Illinois calling. I was recently in Target, and a guy very loudly behind me shouted, Oh, a Mark Wahlberg movie I don't own. Sold. I wonder what movie it was. Basketball Diaries.

Is he in that? Of course he is. Is he really? Yeah. He plays the basketball. Is he in that? Of course he is. Is he really? Yeah. He plays the basketball. Spalding. Right, right. But he's in that.

Isn't he? I know Leonardo DiCaprio is. That's all I know. And that's all I know. And Leonardo DiCaprio was supposed to be the lead in Boogie Nights and then he didn't do it

and they took a risk on Wahlberg and that made his career. Really? Yeah. DiCaprio would have been too, he was still too baby-faced at that point. Also, he didn't have a big enough wiener.

Ah, prosthetic. And Mark Wahlberg, I just read, kept it as a token or souvenir from the movie. Wouldn't you? Yeah. I'd wear it every day. Yeah. In memory.

Yeah, that's true. In ma'am. No, that doesn't work. No, it every day. Yeah. In memory. Yeah, that's true. In memory. No, that doesn't work. No, it doesn't. No. You went out on a high note with Disney with his own balls in his mouth. Remember that though? Yeah. Where they were like, well, we'll freeze his head because of his brain.

Here's your final overheard. They want more kids. I'm like, we'll just put his balls in his mouth and close it. Remember that? And close it and freeze it remember how we liked it until now all right here's your final phone call hey david graham and podcast guests uh this is adam from vegas uh calling in with an over scene that i'm gonna to have you and your listeners overact. So first, I need you to bring your arms up and act as if you're holding like a really

big, heavy dinner tray at about like neck high. Okay. And now start moving your knees left and right up to about chest level. Okay, now you're basically acting exactly like the little girl that I just saw leaving her driveway with her dad's bike. This thing is way too big for her. That was fun. That is fun.

That was fun. And that motion was like that kid is ripped. Yeah. That is all core That was fun. And that motion was like, that kid is ripped. Yeah. That is all core. Right there. Yeah, very core. Oh, boy. Very core.

Okay, so she was riding her dad's bike? Yeah. With no hands? She stole it? No, I guess her hands were up by her head. Oh, yeah. Okay. And her dad has a recumbent bike.

Yeah, it was weird how that... Yeah because i was like motorbike at one point in my head there was no bike it was just like magic kid yeah floating by doing that i encourage more of those of just like getting us to do act out yeah so you we can visualize things yeah um so that brings us to the end of this year's show. You're still laughing about that. The balls in his mouth. Well, this isn't an exact science. Why don't we act that out? I think he would have liked this.

Just lift his chin close. It's ruined Disney completely for me. I'll be honest. We don't know what we're doing here. We're just trying stuff. Oh, gross. They fell out his neck. Oh, they're just hanging there.

Oh, gross. Okay. All right. You ruined it. Chris Gordon, if people want to find you, what do you got coming up? Oh, God. Okay. All right. You ruined it. Yeah. Chris Gordon, if people want to find you, what do you got? What do you got coming up? Oh, God. Where am I?

I am. On this episode, by the way, won't be out until, I want to say the 19th of this month. Oh, wow. Around then. So anything after that? Okay. Well, John Doerr is performing the 22nd to the 24th at the Laugh Shop in Calgary. It's my birthday, so I'll probably go to that.

Happy birthday. Oh, thanks. You're turning 12 this year? I am 12. I have a couple shows in Calgary. 27th at the Bronco Smokehouse. It's a new show in Calgary 28th at Oak Tree Tavern

The best show going in Calgary Jupiter Comedy, Oak Tree That and Comedy Monday Night are two amazing shows Probably the heart and soul of Calgary comedy I would say Which is the heart and which is the soul? I would say Comedy Monday Night Is probably Disney's head

And then the Oak Tree is his balls in his mouth. Um, Dave's given up to answer your question. Uh, and then, uh, let's, let's,

let's promo. God, I don't know. Go ahead to April. I bet rumors comedy club. Oh, nice. Uh,

yeah, I'm doing that for the, what's it? No, I'm just doing one week. That's in Winnipeg. That, yeah.

Like, it sounds like you've left the room. You're so upset. Uh, yeah. That's in Winnipeg? Yeah. Yeah, I like how it sounds like you've left the room. You're so upset. Yeah, that's in Winnipeg starting March 31st going to April 6th. All right. Well, thanks for being our guest, man. I had a great time. Yeah.

Can I say that? Yeah. It was a lot better than growing up. That's Dave leaving. Dave left out of the room. Can I tell you one last thing? A lot of people, they see comedians,

they hear comedians, and they say, they're funny people, have they had a rough childhood? Yeah. Do you get that ever? Dave's gone. Do you ever get that?

No. Oh. I don't know, maybe. Well, I just want to tell people that I have, that when I was a kid, Hey, know. Maybe. Well, I just want to tell people that I have. That when I was a kid. Hey, I'm back. No.

Come on. Come on. I'm back. Come on. I don't like what's going to happen. Dave. Dave. And so I'm back.

Yeah. I can't believe you're doing that. I'm telling a story about television. We're wrapping it up. Yeah. Okay. I'll wrap it up. Fine.

Both my parents were shot and killed in Gotham City. That's not true. They were both. Why are you. That's not true. They were shot and killed in Gotham City. That's not true. They were both... Why are you... That's not true. They were shot and killed in Gotham City. I don't believe that. Because your parents have never been to Gotham City.

They can't afford it. Yeah, they died there. They're from Metropolis. They died there and they were buried with an open legless casket. All right. An open legless casket? What does that mean? You know what I meant.

My dad had died with his balls in his mouth. Oh, brother. Next week will be better. I'm back next week. Here's what I'd like to plug is next week's episode and all of the 350-some-odd that have never failed you. And if you want to check out the blog recap over at MaximumFun.org, pictures and videos related to the content of this podcast.

No, you cannot. No, there's no. Please let there be a picture of Disney with balls in his mouth. No, there's not. That doesn't exist. I will make it. Oh, I don't want to see that. I'm going to send it.

I gave you the Space Museum one. Please post that. Oh, yeah. That you've discovered Vancouver Space Museum. Yeah. Congratulations congratulations by the way you're the first person to have found yeah um yeah that kind of thing and come back next week yeah if you like the show please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself MaximumFun.org

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