Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 359 - Nicole Passmore

Episode Date: February 2, 2015

Nicole Passmore returns to talk British MTV, Portland, and more vermin.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 359 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the man who buys the boat and eyes the buys the sailor. Is that what you were singing before? Yeah, that's what I was singing before. Classic Newfoundland tune. Buys the boat and the sailor.

Eyes the buy that builds the boat. And eyes the buy that sails her yeah do you know this song no okay well wait yes i do but not enough to be impressed eyes the buy that catches the fish and takes them home to not enough to be impressed well no one's impressed and i know i thought you were gonna start off talking today about that dumb song. Well, he should have been singing it before the podcast. Well, I'm feeling jaunty. And our guest today, return guest, one of our favorite all-time guests. Real funny, funny improviser and sketch comedian

here in Vancouver, but not for long. Singer, songwriter. No. What? No? What? Women's right activist. Yeah. Singer, songwriter. No. What? Women's right activist. Men's right activist.

No. Yeah, a white pride parade organizer. Okay, the best intro. Nicole Passmore is our guest. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thank you for coming back on the podcast.

Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here. Could you not have adjusted your Thank you for coming back on the podcast. Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here. Could you not have adjusted your shirt before the show? Oh, yeah. Get comfy now. No, I was busy dancing to your Eyes the Bites the Sails. You're doing a sweet jig. Oh, should we get to know us?

Yeah. Get to know us. Now, Nicole. Mm-hmm. you're skipping town. I guess so. And I hate it. I don't want to live in a Nicole-less Vancouver. Oh, that's silly.

Why? Why is that silly? It'll be way happier now. Everyone will be more positive. That's not true. You're going to be missed. Are you going to have like a good farewell? No.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to have a party at 518 East 18th Avenue. No, I'll probably do a couple. I'm doing a couple shows. Okay. Because that's always a thing whenever you're moving to Toronto. Yes. Whenever like a comedian from Vancouver says I'm moving to LA or I'm moving to Toronto,

they have a big farewell show and then they're back in six weeks. That's why I haven't really been telling people and I don't want to make a big to do about it. And I won't because I feel like I'm going to go there. I'll be there for a few months and then I'll cry a bunch. And I'll be like, hey, can I come back home? And we'll be like, no, we just cleaned up from that big batch. We're still sweeping up the confetti. You don't have to ask anyone's permission to come back here.

Don't I? All right. If you're sleeping on your mom's couch. No, I'm in the spare bedroom. Oh, okay. At least afford me that dignity. Oh, I'm sorry. So you and your mom are roommates right now?

Yeah, I'm roommates with my mom. What kind of roommate is she? Is she fun? She's great. She's fun. Yeah, she woke up this morning and said, I wonder what it means if I had a dream about Kanye West. Means you're a hip mom.

That's what it means. Do you know who Kanye West is, mom? I know the name. She does because he was on Ellen. Oh, I saw that. Yesterday? Yeah. It was Ellen's birthday.

And then she went. Oh, happy birthday, Ellen. Happy birthday, Ellen. Yeah. She said, I guess he must be on Ellen because he's not doing so well. Oh. And she thought he was like trying to get more fans. Oh.

I think Kanye's doing fine. You tell your mom that I. Well, I said, mom, Kanye's doing fine. Yeah. He didn't go on Rachel Ray. Oh, that would have been the best. Cooking up his signature meatballs. Oh, man.

Yeah, I think you know that, like, if your agent comes back to you and goes, Okay, we got a lot of no's and a couple yes's. Yeah. Did you know that Nate Berkus still has a show? We got you on the chew. Uh-uh. Who's Nate Berkus? He's Oprah's interior designer guy.

Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay, Kanye. We got Nose from Berkus. Nose from Anderson Cooper. Yeah. Donnie Deutsch still has a show on MSNBC. John McEnroe's TV show as well.

Yeah, Joey Fatone has a radio show. Kanye West is doing fine, Mrs. Nicole's mom. Yes. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. Does your mom like having you around is it like like the old days it's fun okay i'm all right no but you know like i took that as a personal attack yeah geez

no gram i'm fine uh no my mom is she likes it yeah it's i think is it like because i know what gram means it's the sort of like you when you moved out of your parents' house, generally, you were pretty immature. Yeah. And then to hang out with them again, it's weird because you're like, I'm an adult now too. And we can get along. It feels weird. We're not fighting. I'm not there all the time because I'm living with a friend on the Sunshine Coast.

You're bi-coastal. Beautiful. I'm bi-coastal. Beautiful. I'm bi-coastal. It's true. I feel so fancy. But like the few days that I am there, I feel like the other day she's like, oh, I should make a lasagna.

Yeah, mom, you should. Yeah, you should. You should make a lasagna. Absolutely. Oh, mom gets it. I was just reading a Garfield comic. I came up with a great idea for a snack. That will brighten up this Monday.

I hate them. I didn't have time because I was in a rush, but she tried to make me take a bag of peanut butter cookies that she had baked with me today. Your mom's great. My mom is great. My mom is legitimately great. Yeah. She's going to miss you when you go to Toronto. No.

When I told her I was moving, I was so sad. I was like, oh, I'm not going to be around my mom and my family. And I told her, I was like, mom, I have something to tell you. And I think she thought I was going to say I'm pregnant or something because her face was white. Oh, and she's black. She looked terrible. My mom is a cool black lady.

She was so scared. Donda passed. It's Diane. You're close. It's Kanye West's mom's name. Oh, really? Yeah. But I told her, I was like, yeah, I think I'm going to move to Toronto.

She's like, oh, oh, okay. She puts away the baby clothes. Yeah. I guess I won't finish these booties then. And then I was like, aren't you? She's like, why are you upset? And I was like, I don't know. Like, I'm going to miss you.

Or I'd like the cats or the family. You're taking the cats with you, right? And what she said to me was, oh, we hardly see each other now. And then I was like, well, what about the cats? She was like, get your own. Mom! Cats are a renewable resource. So she'll be fine when I'm gone. Yeah, I think she'll be fine. Cats are a renewable resource. The cold shoulder from mom.

So she'll be fine when I'm gone. Yeah, I think she'll be fine. Well, as a new parent, that is like, Abby was telling me she read somewhere that parenting is, what was the wording? It was like preparing your children to leave you. That's all you're doing. That's what the role of a parent is and so it's like yeah of course also giving them combat skills yeah sure yeah you've got a and uh and a sense of guilt that's why you're preparing them to leave you so they can go out

and fight in the world yeah yeah yeah that's true yeah But you have to do, you know, like so many hours a day of hitting them with a bamboo shoot. Seeing if they can snatch a pebble out of your hand. Which Margo can do very well. Yeah, sure. We blindfold her. We make her do the splits on two stacks of cinder blocks. That one's more for show than anything else. I know, but it sells tickets yeah

it's gonna work on the christmas card um so where now this sunshine coast arrangement are you living in a cabin or something it's a house but it feels like a cabin cool sunshine coast for people who aren't from this uh part of the world and also me, because I'm not really sure what the Sunshine Coast is. It's an area that is not on an island, but you have to take a boat to get there. Yeah. And it's where they shot the TV show, The Beachcombers. Yes. Yeah.

It's a 40-minute ferry ride away. And you could drive there, but it would take- You'd have to go all the way around the world. 10 hours or something crazy, yeah. And it's beautiful. Yeah, you'd have to go through Japan. You'd have to go all the way around 10 hours or something crazy yeah um and it's beautiful you'd have to go balloon i'm in seashell which is like a super old pretty area old like old people and yeah because the whole world is the same age it feels like the whole world is the same age

well no like in terms of, this city is just as old as this mountain. I can just imagine some, like, European person was once trying to be like, oh, my city has a lot of culture.

And you're like, oh, the world's the same age. Yeah. This tree has more culture than your goddamn cobblestone street. I don't think when people are talking

about culture, they're talking about the streets. Of course they are. But our streets are so ornate. You've heard that joke about the nuns on the cobblestones? No. I haven't. Never mind.

Is it a real thing? Just Google nun cobblestone joke. That doesn't have to be nuns, actually. Is it really filthy? Oh, yeah. Sounds like it. Okay. Sounds already like it should be.

I mean, it's not really filthy. It's not a great joke. No. But it doesn't have to be nuns, and that's what piqued my interest. Yeah. Like it could be any two ladies. Is it better if they're religious? Here's what I remember of it.

Okay. These two nuns. Okay. He's two nuns. Okay, I don't know. Now that I'm going to tell it, it's like I don't know half the details of this joke. Two nuns up maybe a cobblestone street. They're on bicycles. And one of them says, oh, I've never come this way before. And the other one says, yeah, it's the cobblestones.

That's a pretty good joke. Yeah, but I don't know. they don't have to be nuns. No. In fact, it works better if they're not because why would nuns talk about that? But I mean, what else are they going to talk about? Sure, Christ. Discipline.

Oh, all the hot monks. Yeah, do they have a hot monks calendar it circulates around do you know that is a fact yeah they must raise money for the church yeah yeah yeah they need it um so i took a vow of hotness i would go with vow of fineness. Yeah. Yeah. I rushed mine.

A little more. In Seashell, is that like a place where people make a lot of wind chimes? Yeah. Is it that kind of? Yeah.

It sounds like Seashell. Yeah. Okay. Alright. I'm not wrong. Observation noted. It is like most of the people that are retired are artisans. Not everybody, but it is that kind of place.

Right. A little less than some of the other places on the coast. Right. Some of them are more hippie-ish. But is it like everywhere you go you can get a watercolor or you can get a jar of artisanal honey? Yeah. Well, yeah. There's the little a signs on the roads no like a like instead of a stop stop sign it'll say a and it stands for artisan but do you have to stop you don't have yeah is it by law you have to stop do they have

stop signs also yeah yeah like every time that you out, you have to stop and go pick up ribbons. Oh boy, I bought a goddamn candle today. Dave, the majesty of artisanal crafts is more effective at making people stop in their tracks than a stop sign. Than a stop sign. So you're saying instead of stop signs, we should have artisanal crafts all over the city some dumb bangle earrings and buy my yeah and then i'm like running out of things that people yeah i'm like a dream character but you're a white guy who made it you're like i'm not sure this is legit

you know recovered uh stuff that washed up on shore. Oh yeah, sure. A lot of, you know. Driftwood art. Yeah. Polished glass. Yeah. Uh. I find in this part of the world, like if you, if you go to an island, uh, around Vancouver or along the coast, uh, it's more hippie-ish. Oh yeah.

Outside of the big city. Uh, but if you go inland, uh, outside of the big city, it's more, um, sort of like, uh, outside of the big city. It's more sort of like just people in that kind of hunter camouflage with like the sticks. Just sticks camouflage.

Not army camouflage, but like sticks. Yeah, sticks and leaves. Sticks and leaves in the third world war. Yeah, lots of sea-dos. There it is. Yeah, lots of sea-dos and, you know. There it is. Yeah, it's. Well, why would there be sea-dos inland?

I don't know. I don't know, Dave. I didn't even question. Because there's lakes, you know. People go up to the lake. Oh, Lake Country? Yeah. Oh.

Don't even get me started. Are you into Lake Country? Oh, I'm into Lake Country. I'm into all the inland activities. Hells Angels, doing cocaine, having arm tattoos. Chain fights.

Oh yeah, having barbed wire tattoo. Yeah. I ran out of things. MMA. Tapping out.

Yeah. So do you like this outside of the city living? Yeah. I do. Do you like it more because you know you're moving to Toronto at some point? Or do you think you could do this indefinitely? I don't think I could do it forever, no.

No? No. It's too laid back? It's the best. So my friend that I am staying with has a chihuahua. Is she retired? The chihuahua. She's a crafter.

She makes crafts. Okay. They're beautiful. She makes wonderful teddy bears and things for babies. And yeah, I don't know. All right. Tell us more about this chihuahua. Yeah.

Okay. So he's four pounds now, but he used to be three pounds. And I... Is he getting fatter or is he young? No, he's four pounds now, but he used to be three pounds. And I... Is he getting fatter or is he young? No, he's eight. He's getting fatter. Okay. But I, so I used to live with my friend Justine who owns this Chihuahua.

And Radley is his name, Boo Radley. Uh-huh. And he's... Popular little dog name. Yeah, yeah. It's a good name he's. Popular little dog name. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good name for him. After the creep from. Yep.

One for the mockingbird. One ate a mockingbird. How to kill a mockingbird. How to get away with murder of a mockingbird. Yeah. Yeah. No. So he's a, he's like a purebred applehead chihuahua.

What did you say? An applehead? Applehead. That's when they have the really round heads. Okay. And then there's also deer chihuahuas. They're the ones that look like little deer, I guess. All right, all right.

And he is great, but he always almost dies. Okay, all right. It's like every month something new almost kills him. Yeah, because he's super tiny, right?

So once he got bit by a wasp. Bit by a wasp? No, stung. No, stung. Yeah.

He got eaten by a wasp. Yeah, he got punched by a wasp. He had to go to the hospital because his whole body swelled up. The hospital? The vet.

Okay. Pet hospital. His whole body swelled up? Yeah,? The vet. Okay. Pet hospital. His whole body swelled up? Yeah. And he almost died. To five pounds? Yeah. Well, one time he ate a pound of banana bread.

Oh, man. Imagine eating a quarter of your weight in banana bread. I can imagine. We came home and we found him passed out on the coffee table. I don't like banana bread. Where he had jumped up to eat it. Just barely breathing? Just wheezing.

Just wheezing. Our dogs are so dumb. We put him on the ground and he took one step normally. And then the second step he started to fall over. And then the third step he fell over completely on the ground. And his belly was so bloated. He looked like Orson Welles. And then one time I dropped a bike on him.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How did they solve the banana bread? They just made him throw up? No, they gave him a bunch of coffee. Yeah, they like. Oh, yeah, just soak it up with that.

I think they had to pump his stomach. Oh, wow. His tiny little stomach. Yeah. Okay, you dropped a bike on him? I dropped a bike on him,

but it was like a Buster Keaton moment and he... Oh, it collapsed and he came through the door, the window? Yeah, well, that little, you know,

like the triangle on a bike? Oh, no, I drive a man's bike. Oh, wait, no, what's the difference? Do like the triangle on a bike? Oh, no, I drive a man's bike. Oh, wait, no, what's the difference? Do women's bikes have the triangle? I think bikes are the same, just smaller. No, I think the difference between a man and a woman's bike is the women don't have a triangle. Don't have that bar.

No, they do. They have a triangle, but it's lower. Right. It goes down. Women have a triangle. Also, people respect a man's bike. And try to repress it. Pay more for it. Yeah, the repress it. Pay more for it.

Yeah, the bike makes it. Yeah, fair wage. That's right. Your woman's bike can't make it through that glass ceiling. It just keeps running up that hill. It's a weird Kate Bush reference for anybody who wants to know what I'm thinking about all of the time. Yeah, you're very emotional. Anyway, Radley always almost dies.

But not full dead yet. Not full dead. I almost dropped a weight on him last week. So, were you like, well, it worked with a bike. Let's see him in weight. Come on, Buster Keaton. Was it more than a four pound weight? I think it was just two pounds.

Okay, good. So just half his body. I think I could have half. No. Also, a two-pound weight. What are you doing with a two-pound weight? If 90 pounds fell on me, I'd be fine. A two-pound weight is whatever. Give me some credit.

Yeah, she's just trying to tone. She doesn't want to build mass. She's not here to build bulk. I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, she's just trying to tone. She doesn't want to build mass. Yeah, she's not here to build bulk. I don't know what I'm doing. No, yeah. Half of, it depends where it fell. Like, if it fell on my neck, I'd probably be in trouble. But it's not like it's on there.

You're right. You're right. Yeah. So what do you do out there when you're out in the kind of cottage area? We have another dog staying with us. Okay. Whose name is Buster. And he's.

Ah. He does all sorts of funny things. He's a great Charlie Chaplin thing. No, he just wants to go for walks all of the time. There's a woman in my neighborhood who has two Boston Terriers, which are black and white dogs. Yeah. And so one is named Charlie and one is named Buster. Ah.

On purpose? Yeah. Okay. But one of them named Charlie and one is named Buster. Ah. On purpose? Yeah. Okay. But one of them died and I can never remember which one. I'm always like, how is he?

No, you should just guess Buster because I think he died later. And they'd be like, they'd be like, no, this is Charlie. Be like, oh,

I confused it with the actual. Yeah. No, sorry. Oh, yeah. But the, he has the Hitlerler mustache this one your dog's name is hitler right yeah i just call them both hitler

so you got two dogs they take up all your time you know mostly you know who loves uh buster keaton who benny benny and jim i thought that was gonna be like like an actually pertinent thing. No. No. Okay, great. So. Buster's a, he's a lab.

Okay. So I just take him for long walks in the woods. So this really is like serenity time. Yeah. Yeah. I go for a walk. You're semi-retired. We watch a lot of British TV.

Call the midwife? No. Oh. Why not Call the Midwife? No. Why not? Bailey and Scott? No. Okay, let's keep guessing. Okay, keep guessing. Okay. Not Coronation Street. Luther. Yes. Yes to Luther. Yes to the fall. Happy Valley?

Jamie Narnan. What's his name? Jamie Dornan. He's gorgeous. Jamie Dornan is gorgeous. Doctor Who. That seems like some. No. No. Are you not a Doctor Who fan?

No. I thought that you were big into the sci-fi. I get laid sometimes. Oh, damn. No, I'm not into Doctor Who. And no, you don't get laid sometimes. Good for you if you are. No, I don't get laid.

You just turned off a huge possibility of getting laid with Doctor Who, guys. You could have gotten into some real scarf play. No, I really love Star Trek, but I'm not a Doctor Who fan. Have you ever seen Doctor Who? No. Abby watches it sometimes, and I'll hear it in the other room. I'll be like, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. Yeah, bleep, bleep, destroy, destroy.

Oh, no, he's got me by the scarf. Oh, no. My scarf fell off. Let me grab my scarf. Oh, I'm the guy from the, what's that show that Doctor Who is now doing? That last Doctor Who? They replaced. Which one was the last Doctor Who?

David Tennant. Oh, Broadchurch. Broadchurch. the last Doctor Who? David Tennant. Oh, Broadchurch. Broadchurch. Do you watch that? Yeah. No. Boy, I'm having no luck guessing. No, you are missing.

You said Happy Valleys? What's that? Oh, it's like a cop show. Oh, no. I do watch a show called The Valleys, which is, have you heard of? Was Happy Valleys the Netflix one? Maybe, yeah. What's The Valleys? It's over now. which is have you heard of happy valley is the netflix one maybe yeah what's the valleys it's over now it should never have been ended because it's so amazing but okay but in england

they only make four episodes of everything well this was a copy off of the geordie shore which was a copy off of the jersey shore but But the valleys, they're all from Wales. And like, if you took anything that you saw on the Jersey Shore or the Geordie Shore, it's the Newcastle version. So they're even trashier and they're all like, Oh, right.

You wanna fucking touch my fanny? Whatever. Fanny means different. It does mean different. Yeah, it's a bum bag Yeah It's a Anyway, the Valleys is the Welsh

They say in it a lot Version In it, yeah In it In it You can't make out a word from the Welsh Honestly, no No

They're all from like these small towns And they're all Oh, just watch it If you get a chance. The Valley. Where is it? It's mind-blowing. It's an MTV show, so it's somewhere. You could download it. Can I go to mtv.com?

.uk.co slash literal garbage. Give us an example of something that happens on this show. Okay, well they all want to be models or celebrities. Well, who doesn't? They're Geordies.

They're just like us. No, that's the Geordie show. She's talking about the valleys. Oh, okay, the valleys. What are the people in the valleys called? Trackies, trainers, or twats, according to one of the girls. Yeah, gym tan laundry. I don't know.

One of them once was like, I'm a bit of a Welsh rabbit, so you should fuck me, Prince Harry, on one of the episodes. I'm really not selling this show well, but it's an amazing piece of work. There was a British reality show that was I Want to Marry Prince Harry. I Want to Marry Harry? Yeah, but it was a fake Harry? It wasn't him. It was a British reality show that was I Want to Marry Prince Harry. I Want to Marry Harry. Yeah, but it wasn't him. It was a fake Harry? Yeah. It wasn't him.

It was a fake guy. That's so mean. They're just crazy on this show. They get naked everywhere all of the time. Because it's so warm there in Wales. Yeah. It's so hot. They're all super furry animals.

They're constantly going to the hospital. To have their dog's stomach pumped. For things happening that are violent. They all have like. Are they always getting in fights and stuff? They're always pulling each other's weaves out. Lots of rows. Yeah.

And they like talk about. They're like, yeah, you think it's a joke, but we really do shag sheep all the time. Oh, gross. So like they're really crazy, but I can't. Do the men or women are shagging sheep? Apparently. Also, isn't that Scotland? Also, isn't that New Zealand?

I don't know. Anywhere where there's lots of sheep. I don't know enough about whales. I don't think of whales as having sheep. I think of them as having sheep. They have sheep. They have sheep. I think of Dylan Thomas. Yeah. You have sheep. I think of Dylan Thomas.

Yeah. You know, I'm very well read. Yeah. Dylan Thomas. A child's Christmas in Wales. I think of that time

I went to Wales and like a seven-year-old boy farted in my face on purpose on the beach in a Speedo. I think

Future Valley Star. Wait, that's exactly what they do on the valleys. Yeah, probably. That might be. Way more sexualized.

Oh boy. This would have been 2002. So that kid would probably be 20 by now. Oh my goodness. Could have been on the show. That's probable. Does it take place in Swansea? Yeah.

Some of them are from Swansea. Some of them are from. Cardiff. No, they stay in Cardiff as though it's amazing? Yeah. Some of them are from Swansea. Some of them are from. Cardiff? No, they stay in Cardiff as though it's amazing. Yeah. And then one episode. They always emphasize the second syllable. Like London is London.

Cardiff. Cardiff. London. Swansea. Some of them are from Pondy Pryd, I think. Oh, yeah. You got to go to Pondy Pryd. Port Talbot.

Oh, all the hot spots. And one episode they go to Bristol in England. Bristol Farms? Yeah. And they get. They have samples? They go crazy. They're like so excited.

To go to Bristol? They're so excited. What do they do in Bristol? They put on a club night. Okay. And then one of them goes to the hospital. Like all of England and Scotland, like the entire uk is smaller than british columbia right yeah yeah it's very small but and and they all have a different accent like people from

three miles apart have different accents yeah they're all like in in uh incomprehensible in an entirely different way if you watch uh uh you know an interview with the Gallagher brothers from Oasis, they have subtitles. So you watch British shows, which immediately made me think like, oh, you're watching a higher class of television. You're watching their garbage television. Don't get it wrong. I'm not. Well, because all of the shows that are critically acclaimed are like downton abbey and whatever uh i mean not that that's that critically acclaimed it's a soap opera but they are

you know eight episodes at a time right every two years and then british people have to fill the rest of the time that's true i remember when i was in uh switzerland visiting abby's family once they had british cable and there was a channel that was just uh big brother auditions oh yeah and then just show the auditions from big brother yeah they do love it out there and uh like every commercial was for debt consolidation and uh ringtones this was 2002 yeah also ads for a young boy who will fart in your face yeah it was crazy frog was very big at the time um there's a uh what's the show they do an american version it's like the great british bake version? It's like the Great British Bake Off. Yeah. Okay.

And the big scandal this year was a guy threw out his... His pie into the trash. Yeah. And that was like national news. It was national news. Okay. Give me some context. Was that bad?

Yeah. Yeah. So it's the same as any like... It was a custard or something, wasn't it? It was a custard. Yeah. It kind of looked like it was supposed to be an Alaska. Because a pie is a meal for them. Yeah, that's true. as any like. It was a custard or something. It was a custard. Yeah. It kind of looked like it was supposed to be in Alaska. Because a pie is a meal for them.

Yeah, that's true. For those people. And it's also an elevator. Is that right? Yeah, that's true. So I think someone had pulled it out too early. Yeah, and it started to kind of fall. Well, because they didn't want to get pregnant.

And then he, before it was able to be judged or something, he just threw it in the garbage. And it was like front page. Well, couldn't you then just be like. I mean, like, why is that? Why is it front page? Yeah, because it's like he disqualified himself. Yeah, he got kicked off. Yeah, he got kicked off.

Apparently they love it, the show, so much. It's so big over there. Or they were so scandalized by it. But it's not like a scandalous show. Did they cross the bounds of class in that? No. I've seen the clip of it. He just gets mad and throws it.

Do you have to be of noble birth to compete? It is very posh. It is very posh. But it's, yeah, he didn't swear or throw a fit. He just like took it off the counter. He didn't tear up a picture of the queen. He still had a classic stiff upper lip the whole time, even though he looked mad. Yeah, he just put it in the garbage.

And even the reaction on set wasn't that big of a deal. He put it in the bin. No, in the bin. Yeah, that's right. In the rubbish. A chimney sweep came by and helped him put it in the rubbish. Oh, man. Yeah. uh a chimney sweep came by and helped him put it in the rubbish oh man uh yeah anyways so that's what's going on and uh jeremy clarkson got in trouble for having oh that guy um he he had like inappropriate license plates yeah oh in but also he regularly says racist things. But the other one,

he had said bellend on it. Right. Which means penis. I learned that from the Inbetweeners. You ever seen that show? No. Ah, there. Give me one.

It's good. I've heard of it. I'm also watching The Honorable Woman. I don't know what that is. Which is a show that is very classy and very intelligent.

Well, it sounds classy. Honorable. Maggie Gyllenhaal. It's very good. Oh, I know that one. Does she wear a headscarf? She does because- Oh, it was on CBC, right?

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Probably. Part of it takes place in Palestine and Israel. Okay. And it's good? What's the difference? I like it.

Dave's very controversial. Look, as far as I'm concerned, it's all the same place. You know, you call it one thing, you call it another thing. Let's call the whole thing up. Oh my god, if you could see my face. It's very scary. I know, and you organize that white power parade. Oh, lordy.

And so what else is going on? You're living the dream as far as I'm concerned. Kind of, yeah. Walking dogs every day. I'm kind of like young retired. Yeah. I went back to coaching a high school team, which I haven't done in a long, long time. Improv.

Yeah. Which is crazy. Because if you're not familiar, coaching a high school team, people might have been like, what are you talking about? Wrestling? Volleyball?

Wrestling, right? Oh, yeah, improv. What are you, fox catching? I don't know sports. I'm lifting two pound weights. Okay, everyone, grab your two pounders. We're going to make it to nationals. Grab your two pounders we're gonna make it to nationals yeah no i'm back to uh coaching a team called lord bing oh okay um from the west side of

vancouver from the west side of vancouver and they're great they're the only kind of team i prefer uh coaching which means that they have a bit of an attitude. What? They're a bit scrappy. Yeah. Like, I don't like kids that are too well-behaved. You like nasty boys. They're boring. No, don't say it like that. That is weird. That is weird and inappropriate.

No, just like kids that are too well-behaved are boring to me. Right. They don't have enough spark. But I don't think in any theater department you'd find well-behaved children. Yeah, you're looking for a little taste of the Geordie Shore. Very little. A very, very little. Oh, God.

And is it fun? Is it going well? Yeah, they're great. And are you, when are the Canadian Improv Game Championships? Are you leaving town before the championships? Are you going to leave this team to learn? Bye, coach. See ya.

Well, sort of, I guess. Here's a suggestion. Get a new coach. I'll be with them up until the end of the Lower Mainland Tournament. Okay. And they're probably not going to make it. If they make it to Nationals, then there's a month where they'll be on their own. No coach?

No coach. You're going to leave them in the playbook? Yeah. Here is how you win. It's just a drawing of like, no, I can't even think of anything. Holy shit, I'm the worst coach. You teach improv, right? I feel like I've had to defend myself before on the show about this,

that I really am quick at other times in my life. Sure. We wouldn't have you on if you weren't. You're the quickest. Yeah. You're great. You're great. Your team's going to do great. You're the quickest. Yeah. You're great. You're great. Your team's going to do great.

We're big fans of yours. With or without you. Probably do better without you, though. Probably. We should move now. Yeah, I don't know. I'm coaching them and I'm doing some shows and just generally. Living your best life.

Living my life, you know? What Oprah said. Yes. I don't like Oprah. What? Where's that parade again? No. She's just not my favorite.

Who's your favorite? Oh, anyone but Oprah. Ellen. No, I don't like Oprah because she put herself on the cover of her magazine three times. It's her magazine. Yeah, she did it three times. In one magazine, though.

Oh, right. Do you remember that cover? With three Oprahs? With three Oprahs. Yeah. In the same dress in three different colors. Yeah, but that was her version of the clumps. And you know that it wasn't actually three Oprahs, right?

I hate Oprah because I'm stupid. She made a machine to triplicate herself. How come there's three of her and only one of me? I hate the Oprah triplets. She gets three votes? Then she recently had a cover with her and a tiger. And for some reason that made me really mad. Because you're like, tigers are for Tiger Beat magazine only.

I think because it had nothing to do with preservation or ecology. It was all about the benefits of dried tiger bladder. There was nothing about tigers. I think she just was like, I want a tiger on the cover. Yeah. And I've already got me, so I guess I'll take a second tiger. If you had a Nicole magazine, what would be on the cover? Like, just black.

Keep in mind, it's called Nicole magazine. It would just be a black cover? Every issue is just black. But how would you be like, oh, the new Nicole's out. You wouldn't, Dave. It would just have a number on it. You wouldn't. Number one. I don't believe Dave. It would just have a number on it. You wouldn't. Number one.

I don't believe anyone would buy a magazine about me. I would buy a magazine called Nicole if it had an interview with Claire Danes in it. Oh, sure. Yeah. She has all those weird sex noises in that. What? What's that show called? Homeland?

Homeland, yeah. Abby and I. What? There's like one sex scene in maybe season two, and she is just making these crazy squeaky noises. And Abby and I just like, anytime anyone talks about her or that show, it's always...

We gotta get out! That was the day that a rabbit got loose on set. They were like, it's the best take that we got. Oh, man. Oh, man. Nicole Magazine hits newsstands March, March 1st? March 1st.

I bought, well, I didn't buy. On my iPad, there's this app called Next Issue. Yeah, the magazine. Yeah, it's $10 a month, but you get your first month free. So I did like 29 days of this free magazine app. Yeah. And then hit cancel. I set a reminder for myself to hit cancel before it started charging me.

Yeah. But it was very, it's like a good app and it looks amazing. It makes magazines so fun. There's nothing in magazines. No. There's a lot of ads for, you know, a pair of boots you can buy or perfume. But if you read them in Canada, the pair of boots you can't buy. Oh, yeah, that's true.

It's a lot of. What magazines do you like reading? Chatelaine. Yeah. Red Book. Well, like every... Rachel Ray. Any magazine you can get...

Yeah, she's on every cover, isn't she? Well, I didn't say I liked her either. Well, it was implied. When Rosie O'Donnell was running Red Book, was she on every cover? She was on every cover of her Rosie O'D'donnell magazine rosie o'donnell red book yeah rosie o'donnell had a magazine yeah yeah rosie o'donnell red book was that really what it was called it was red book i don't know google rosie o'donnell red book magazine siri tell me what magazine rosie o'donnell was on it caught your Siri

oh really? yeah that's funny I was just pretending because I don't own an iPhone so I think it's funny to pretend I know Siri what do you got?

what's your your Samsung? oh no no your flip phone? no I broke my Blackberry and then just went fuck it

and I bought the cheapest phone Best Buy had oh wow and it's a Huawei what? a Huawei? not? A Huawei? Not my favorite thing. Smell it, smell it, smell it.

H-U-A-W-E-I. Huawei. Huawei. And my favorite thing now is to pick up my phone, get mad at someone and say, it's my way. I screwed up. Oh, no. It's my way or the Huawei?

It's my way or the Huawei. You didn't screw it up it's my way or the huawei you didn't screw it up and my friend likes to say huawei to the danger zone oh i have fun with my shitty technology is it a flip no no no it's still a smartphone it's just it's a huawei it's just incredibly what's a Huawei. It's just incredibly... What platform? Like, do you go to the Huawei store to buy by whaps? I told you. I can't find any information about this.

Rosie O'Donnell magazine. All I know is that every month she was nude centerfold. With a tiger. Yeah. A strategically placed tiger. Dave, what's going on with you?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay. So this past week, I was going to say weekend, but we actually, Abby, my wife, and I, and our baby Margo, uh, we just went on our first road trip together. Yeah. We had never been, uh. Did she, how, like, did she drive? No, I did all the driving.

Okay. All right. I meant Margo. Oh, no. Abby got her license a month and a half ago. I don't want her to drive. I don't know if she's ever been gone 70 miles an hour before the car does most of it i'm scared to do like there's sometimes when i'm entering a

highway and like a huawei and i'll be uh and like i'll get up to speed and i'll get in the right lane and then sort of like move to the middle lane and then like i'll be going and everything will be going fine and then i will let out a big sigh and like oh wow i was really tense for all of that i need a rub down pull over the side of the road um but we went uh we went Portland, Oregon, uh, for three nights and yeah, I, we, I had only been once, well, I guess I went when I was a kid and then I went with you for the podcast last year, but only for a night. Right. And we didn't get to see much of it.

So I was like, oh, let's go back. Abby's never been, uh, Margo is a baby. She's never been anywhere. Yeah, that's true. And she just got her passport and I only have a couple more weeks left before I have to go back to work. So I was like, let's, let's, let's do this now. Yeah. And since I have no, since I don't have to be at work, we don't have to go on a weekend. We can just go. Well, you just take off, leave your worries behind, hitchhiking. Soiking so we went on yeah we hitchhiked

she got a lot of rides the baby got a lot of rides well she's always really so much yeah exactly so many folds in those thighs and we got to the border and crossing the border is always like, it's usually okay. Sometimes I cross with you and I'm like, uh, we, cause we have to go and do live podcasts. And I'm like, I'm not sure, like, there's no money. We're not getting any money, but I'm not sure this is like legal to do this. Like we always have to get a letter saying that we are not taking a job away from someone. And, uh, but i was like okay

now i'm just a dad yeah go wherever you want some traveling with my family and we get to the border and uh the guy there no one's at the border at 11 a.m on a sunday border guards though right yeah border guards are there but there's no lineup okay so we got right up there and we think we'll we'll be in and out and the guy is like he's a jerk to us oh really and he's like uh uh what's the purpose of your trip and i said oh we're just going to portland for a vacation yes but why why are you coming like uh oh we're just we're just gonna do some uh you know go go around the city and hang out that's not a good enough reason like you're knocking on our door asking permission to come into the country and that's all you have to say look why why portland i'm like we're gonna eat

food yeah because i heard portland is happening according to a billboard surely we can't be the first person who are saying we're going to portland is happening according to a billboard every billboard in vancouver yeah surely we can't be the first person who are saying we're going to portland oh my god wow and uh we were like you should have just said artisanal donuts yeah we should have come up with something specific but it was like tiny houses tattoos we're gonna bum around Yeah. That's what a vacation is. Yeah, exactly. Right? That's all it is. And maybe our car, like we brought everything we could possibly need in the, in the whatever.

Oh, so maybe it looked like you were living there. Yeah. 22 skidoink. But yeah, it was like, but why Portland? Why not Seattle or Bellingham? No one's going to Bellingham, sir. Sorry, Bellingham. You're great.

Yeah, you're fine. You've got to tell me why you're going to justify a 12-hour round trip with an infant. I just want to drink some fun beer. Yeah. And is that infant even real? What are are we talking about an animatronic baby is that a real and so this whole thing and by the way it's total like white privilege like a border guard hassled me for 45 seconds i didn't like it i i recognize that but that. But that thing totally like colored the entire trip. Right.

Anything we did in Portland, we were like, yeah, why Portland? Why did we come here? Why this? Why not Nevada? Yeah, exactly. We gambled this baby. We could have come home with three babies. gambled this baby come home with three babies um uh but yeah we just did like uh we we saw some people we had met before and we uh you know went to you know we ate their famous

donut yeah we uh ate their famous chicken wing yeah we uh read their window their famous bookstore. Oh, yeah. We drank their famous coffee. Yeah. And that was basically it. And everyone. We went on their famous water slides. Yeah. We received their famous unsolicited restaurant recommendations. Yeah.

The big thing was, you know, Voodoo Donuts is their big donut thing. I had one of those. Yeah. I've never been. It's good. It's all right. Here's the thing is, well, there's the bacon and maple donut. There's the ones with like cereal all over them.

There's a good one that's got like just like that artificial grape flavoring. Oh, yeah. And everyone was like, oh, yeah, if you really like donuts, you should go to, I think it was like Blue Star Donuts, Blue Something Donuts. And I was like, I, yeah, if you really like donuts, you should go to, I think it was like Blue Star Donuts. Blue something donuts. And I was like, I don't really like donuts. I just want to eat the famous thing. No, you got to go to this after hours donut joint.

Here's a card you have to call a guy. He'll tell you where to go. Oh. Oh. Yeah, it's a lot of. They also have like a lot of food food trucks food trucks yeah they're in like uh or carts like the trucks that don't move there's like a couple little section a couple of sections that are just like a corner of just like food stationary food truck yeah which is uh don't have a truck attack which is just a a mall food court. That's an outdoor mall food court.

Which is the best. But everyone was. Yeah, exactly. No complaint. Well. But we were there for three days and we couldn't possibly have eaten everything that everyone said. Oh, you've got to eat this thing. Yeah.

You got to eat here. You got to eat here. Yeah. Most places you just end up going to subway anyways yeah you know what i mean oh yeah that was my big thing it's like anytime anyone suggested anything it was like oh no we just went to arby's we found the nearest applebee's the nearest arby's we just wanted to go alphabetically because like if you're just walking around you're hungry you're be like, oh, what was that place that had amazing dumplings? Oh, let me just get out my phone and pay the roaming charges. Yeah.

Oh, Subway. I know them. Oh, they're good everywhere. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, a lot of, oh, also, it did not, it took way too long to get there because having a baby is cry-y. Yeah, and letting the baby drive is dangerous. She doesn't, she can't reach the pedals. Yeah, that Simon and Garfunkel song about the baby driver is all wrong.

Yeah, instead of six hours, it took nine hours the first day. Ugh. Oof. Ugh. Yeah. That's a whole day. And here's some of my questions

about the highway. Because I don't drive on highways very much. And people who drive on highways, do they get pulled over every day? And why do they call it a parkway? When you drive on a driveway, you park. What do you mean,

do they get pulled over every day? So many people. Like, you would be driving and you'd see just people pulled over, like, all the time. Like, three in a row. Pulled over by cops? Pulled over by cops. Like, I don't have to. Anytime I've commuted, I don't live in the suburbs, so I don't need to take a highway.

But it seems like if you leave the house five minutes late, you're tempted to speed. Yeah. Yeah. And you get. But have you ever seen Smoky and the Bandit? Because usually there's somebody who's a distraction car. Uh-huh. And then a second car with passengers and then the semi truck.

I've only seen the credit. Okay. So funny. So funny. Yeah. The great credits. But yeah, that's usually what you're seeing. When you see three people pulled over at once.

C-3PO? It's a Smokey and the Bandit situation. Okay. They were trying to smuggle beer to a beer festival. Sure. Coors? It's the Vancouver beer. Yeah, yeah.

It was Coors, I think. Yeah. Here's your second question. Okay. Glad I could answer the first one. Like, what do they call them? Cars. Rest stops. second question okay uh glad i could answer the first um like uh what do they call them uh uh cars rest stops yeah cars what are they like i'm helpful yeah what's with all these carriages where

the horses go are they called passmore nicole magazine uh cars cars uh rest stops do these did these always exist? Yeah. Okay, these have always existed, but do they exist because they existed before towns existed to exit? Or are they just for trucks? They're just mostly for trucks. And also for weird bumpkin sex. Okay. Yeah.

Because you would see a rest stop and it would say next rest stop not for another 40 miles. But in that 40 miles, there's like four towns where you can stop. But yeah, like trucks wouldn't pull off into town because it'd be hard to park a truck. Okay. That makes sense. And also it's hard to find weird bumpkins. Weird bumpkins to have sex with. They'd be like, hey, what are you doing in the town?

We've got rest stops specifically designed for that. Here's a couple more questions about trucks. The horns on trucks, they have to pull the thing down? Yeah. Or at least in the 70s they did. And when you're driving past a truck, you do the pull

down thing to get them to honk. And legally they have to honk. Yeah. Or else they have to give up their truck at the next restaurant. But that's not very safe, right? Like if you need to use your horn, you don't want to be reaching around for some weird stirrup in the sky. You don't know how many still have that anymore. But also, if you're driving a truck,

you should be good enough to pull that off, shouldn't you? I guess so. What do I know? Who's running these driver's tests? Smokey. Bandits. Follow-up question. Yeah.

You there. About trucks. No, maybe I lost it. Okay, all right. Also, you know how a table has legs? Yeah. Cars have wheels? Is like a table has legs? Yeah. Cars have wheels? Is that where you're going?

Is that where you're going? Well, like a table has legs. Yeah. And I got no problem because I look like, hey, a table has... It's got to stand for something. What the hell are you talking about? Okay. You have no problem with a table having legs.

Okay. Okay. And like a guitar's got a neck. Right. A shoe's got a tongue having legs. Okay. Okay. And like a guitar's got a neck. Right. A shoe's got a tongue. Yeah. What I don't get is why the highway has a shoulder. That's a weird body part for that.

Because it doesn't have a head or an arm. No. These are bits. It's a pretty good bit. For the Adopt-A-Highway corporate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do they call it a shoulder and uh i gotta go hong kong and away you go um uh yeah uh those seem to be all my notes on trucks um uh yeah so yeah we went to port Portland and one night in Seattle because that very long drive south was too long.

So we split up the one on the way home, visited my brother. Everything in America is so expensive right now. Oh, yeah. Because our dollar isn't worth anything. Yeah, we're back to old poor man status. We're poor. Help us out, America. America, we're poor.

Could you give us some money, please? Just send us some samples. One dollar to Nicole magazine. For every American citizen, it's not very much. $300 million is not very much? No, a dollar is not very much 300 million dollars

isn't very much yeah no a dollar is not very much I know but for every American citizen it's the least they could do

after she's put out this magazine for so many years help we're dying up here that's why the cover of my magazine is black

cause we're poor we couldn't find a photographer I can't afford colored ink But also Why not white? Because then you wouldn't have to use any ink Or why would you just buy black paper? White's too hopeful I remember someone at work once

Accidentally printed like 300 pages Just all black No Someone got so mad I remember someone at work once accidentally printed like 300 pages of just all black. No. Then someone got so mad, like the office manager was like, you used so much ink on this nothing. Our toner. Oh, man.

Yeah, toner's like a big office. I think I read somewhere that like, like, you know, a liter of gas costs a dollar a liter of chanel number five costs sixteen hundred dollars and a liter of of toner or or inkjet ink is like five thousand dollars well just fill up my car with chanel then yeah instead of filling it up with ink yeah that's all you've got here chanel and ink it might have been a gallon but what are things anyway yeah what are things um how have you been uh all right the the my place is still uh infested with rodents oh no, no. Yeah. We thought we had, it was a one-off, you know? Oh, because you killed it.

Yeah, because we killed it. And we stuck it, nailed it to the outside of the house as a warning to the other rats. On a pike? A stick? Yeah. A pike's the same thing. Okay.

Like you put a head on a pike. Yeah. But you put the whole rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we didn't have the tools to remove the head. And some crows came by and started pe on a pipe. Yeah. But you put the whole rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we didn't have the tools to remove the head. And some crows came by and started pecking at it. Yeah. Yeah, crows, all of a sudden it was game on.

But rats, we thought we had the problem licked. And we do not at all. No. Because we caught, in one day, we caught a mouse and a rat. Oh, no. I'm surprised we haven't caught a pigeon at this point i feel like there must be some kind of highway into our house now is oh you mean a huawei oh yes now do mouse and rat how related are they uh you know they have a real real older brother

little brother kind of arrangement lots of noogies. Lots of noogies, but they mean well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the end, they'll protect them. And a lot of the rats are like, take along a mouse with you to the movies. Yeah. The difference in size is crazy. Because a mouse is like, well, you know, it's about the size of your finger. Yeah, sure.

And a rat is about the size of a squirrel. Yeah. So it's like. I saw a rat finger. Yeah, sure. And a rat is about the size of a squirrel. Yeah. So it's like. I saw a rat in the alleyway a couple weeks ago. It was smaller than a squirrel, but. Was it smoking a cigarette? Oh, I hated it. It ruined my day just seeing it.

And it wasn't even in my house. Yeah, it was just out there. A few months ago when I was still living in the place that I just moved out of. Yeah. There was like really strong rain. Yeah. One might say torrential. Oh, no.

And then you had tarantulas? No, but we did have a sewer rat. Oh. So we had a rat come out of our toilet because it had been washed into a pipe. Was it dead? Nope. Oh. Nope. Did you flush it? Well, my roommate pipe. Was it dead? Nope. Oh. Nope.

Did you flush it? Well, my roommate was home. I wasn't there. I missed all of it. But she said she heard splashing and then poked her head into the bathroom because she was confused. And she saw a soaking wet rat thrashing against the toilet water trying to get out. Oh, wow. So she screamed and closed the door and put a towel under it.

And then she stood on our coffee table for an hour until her boyfriend came over and our other roommate. And then they concocted like an elaborate plan. But I don't know why. Could you not just like move oh i oh kill yourself i wanted to plunge it lose the plunger you could have yes it would be kind of dangerous because the rat could escape and scratch you but yes except that except that my roommate Kelly had run away. She was just so scared, which fair enough. Yeah.

But then she said they opened the door, couldn't see the rat anymore. And like one of those moments of like willful blindness kicked in where she was like, I guess it's gone. I guess this problem solved itself. kicked in where she was like i guess it's gone i guess this problem solved itself and they were like oh okay until they heard some scratching and they saw in the corner like leaned behind the garbage can was a scared rat standing on his hind legs oh my god apparently it hissed at them like a cat and then jumped several feet in the air and tried to attack them. So they had to cover it with a box and then like slide a tray underneath. Like you might use like a glass and paper with spiders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then her boyfriend brought it into the alley and he was too afraid to just let the box down.

He kicked it. He kicked it like the entire box away and then ran back into the house. I laugh, but I would have run as fast as possible. I would have been terrified. it like the entire box away and then ran back into the house i i like i laugh but i'm i would i would have run i would have been terrified i don't think i could have done it and luckily i was on my way back from seattle at the time so i was just on a bus getting these text messages like help nicole there's a there's a rat in our toilet i'll tell the bus driver to hurry up. Use your powers. They dealt with it though. Yeah.

Yeah, you're darn right they did. As a team. What could you do? Well, nothing. No. Send out good vibes. Mm-hmm. But bad rad vibes. Anti-rad vibes.

Can we agree that that is the shittiest thing to write on somebody's Facebook profile when they've written about some bad news? Sending you good vibes. Just don't write anything. Well, it's weird because you're like, do I like this status? Does that mean I like a bad thing happening to them?

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. You can just like that. Yeah. And you don't have to write anything no one's gonna be like good vibes oh why do you like this thing the beach boys hope you use them and oh yeah if you don't use my good vibes send them back yeah i'm sending you one good vibe so you're in you're in rat hell. Yeah, yeah, again.

I thought we were out. I thought we were done. No, it's this, it's the system, the whatever Vancouver's food scraps were that you were supposed to put out in the alleyway. Compost? Yeah. Yeah, that really hasn't worked out to anybody's yeah benefit it's it worked out to the rats benefit yeah that's true rat city could we rename vancouver

rat now you're from alberta and is there is it true that there are zero rats zero rats in the entire province yeah i've heard about this yeah and i've heard how crazy the lengths are that they go yeah like they have like a special a division of like the you call 8-1-1 if you see a rat this is something like that you do oh really yeah like it is like you have a number like if you see a rat you have to yeah you call this number what if you smell a rat uh yeah i mean yeah they want to make sure like was this at a poker game or um you know or yeah this is a guy who squealed on you and now you're in prison right the department but uh they have yeah like a special wildlife kind of division that specifically like finds rat nests and eradicates them.

We're lucky, you guys. Do you have snakes? Yeah. Snakes. We also have gorillas that just roam the countryside. We have raccoons in this neighborhood. Every neighborhood here. Usually they don't come out until

middle of the night. Yeah. The other night I was, I went into the kitchen and I could see one just on our porch. Yeah. And just coming up to the back, sort of like glass door at the back at like nine o'clock at night. And I went up to the door and I tapped on the window and it just did this, put its hands up. It taps back on the window and it just did this. Put its hands up. Like, ah. It taps back on the window.

And so I went to get a broom. Yeah. Just to like nudge it away. And it was gone. Yeah. It was probably, I was hoping that you didn't see it, you know. They're very. They're very. They think they're invisible.

Skulking in the shadows. So, yeah, that's all that's new with me, you know? When are you going to be rat free? When you move? Yeah. Is it that kind of thing? Like, will you have to move? Well, my landlord is fully a slumlord at this point.

So, you know, it's, yeah, like my thought was like, oh, yeah, I guess I'm moving. But also finding a place in this city is not. It's not fun. It's no easy task. Maybe I'll move to Toronto with you. Want to be roommates? Come, let's be roommates. No cats.

Okay. And no peanuts? No, you can eat peanuts. Are you allergic to nuts? Yeah, but I'm not going to have them. Okay. Yeah, you can eat whatever you want. Yeah.

You can't have the thing that makes me sneeze Yeah, you can eat whatever you want. Yeah. You can't have the thing that makes me sneeze, but you can have the thing that might kill me? What? Do you know how having a cat versus having peanuts works? Peanuts don't just roam around the house. Well, I've never had peanuts. Yeah, peanuts aren't airborne. Fine. Okay, yeah, no cats.

Okay. I do love them, but, yeah, no cats. Okay. I do love them, but for you, no cats. Are we going to have like pillow fights? Pillow fights? Yeah, first of all, are we going to have pillow fights?

Yeah. Oh, if you want. Okay. I'm down. Are you ticklish? Tickle fights? I am very ticklish. I'm very ticklish.

All right. Mostly in my armpits. Okay, that'll be perfect. Perfect. But I do get to the point where I get angry, you know, when it starts from being fun to like, I want to hit somebody.

How quickly does it go? I would say minutes. Yeah. One's tickling you for hours. How many minutes? Like three or four. Sure. Okay.

Yeah. And what type of magazines are we keeping in the bathroom? Well, Black Nicole magazine. All black. Black Nicole magazine. All black. Black Nicole magazine. Yeah, but that one's actually written by my mother,

Donda. She's just all about me still. Yeah, no, we'll have Nicole magazine. We'll have like, like a mad or a cracked magazine. Oh,

fun. Just because, like, just for whimsy. Yeah, yeah. No Oprah. No Oprah. An entertainment weekly. Yeah, I could go for that. Yeah. Like any of the ones. me oh sure just because like just for whimsy yeah yeah no oprah no oprah um an entertainment

weekly yeah i could go for that yeah like any of the ones you guys should just get a subscription to next issue and and like mount an ipad in the bathroom oh boy oh why not i have never taken an ipad in the bathroom and that's my solemn vow uh i don't know, you know, don't never say never. You know? I never said I never would, but no, I never will have. I have vowed to do it. I've never done that. Do you want to move on to overheards?

Yes, please. Alright. Hi, I'm Brian Fernandes, a.k.a. Sonny D, producer of Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Lindsay Pavlis, producer of Wham Bam Pow. We're the stars of Maximum Fun's first web video series, Brian and Lindsay. We'll totally eat that. Someone throws us a snack, we eat it, and then we rate it

on a scale from yummy to crummy. We've recorded a pilot, and we're raising funding for the series on Kickstarter until February 20th. And if we receive enough backers, we will receive a huge challenge grant from our friends at Hover.com. Go to MaximumFun.org for more info or find us on Kickstarter. Question for you.

Shoot it at me. You gonna eat that? Totally. Hey, this is Pop Rocket. We're your source for all pop culture information. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five frankie hollywood 30-somethings no name calling no rudeness just straight talk and a lot of role play i'm only 30-something for another year me too and i don't tell anybody i'm 30-something pop rocket comes out every week from maximumfun.org Overheard Overheard

It's a segment in which You the people Who do you guys like in the Super Bowl? Oh The inflados Oh inflados Sure yeah You mean the guys

Outside the car dealerships That have air flowing through them And they're waving their arms I like the The East Coast team of Eyes the buys Oh boy Oh buy Yeah they represent Waving their arms around. I like the East Coast team of eyes the buys. Oh, boy.

Oh, bye. Yeah, they represent the entire East Coast. Now, we always like to start Overheards with the guest. Will you lead the charge, Nicole? Absolutely, yes. Will you be our savior? I will be your savior. This is getting weird. I was on the bus from the ferry.

I's the bus. And I heard, I's the bus who takes the bus. I was on the bus. And there were a couple of women who looked like, for lack of a better word, island types. So like a little bit hippie-ish, older, kind of granola. They had bags of granola. And I don't know why I say that, but for some reason it made it funnier hearing this from them. But they were talking.

I got the impression they like went to school together or lived together at some point. And one of them brought up, I'm going to use his full name. I'm sorry. They brought up someone named Michael Miller. And the other one was like, Michael Miller. Why does that name sound familiar and the first was like oh you know him he's the guy who got hit by the train six times without dying and she went oh right right yeah kept going out in the train tracks and getting hit but somehow survived And then the first said, he should have been some kind of folk hero, but nobody could stand him on account of him always being drunk.

I think most folk heroes are always drunk. Yeah, that's true. Makes him extra. Paul Bunyan got hit by a train seven times. Always drunk, got on the tracks but nothing's gonna happen to him Michael Miller

what's the record for like lightning strikes oh I think it's no I was gonna say eight times but I think I'm

I think I'm talking about Michael Miller no I think I'm talking about the movie where he goes backwards in time. Benjamin Button, I think. Oh, did he get struck by lightning?

There's like a guy in the movie that they keep cutting to who gets struck by lightning. I've never seen Benjamin. No. The premise was fairly horrifying. You know what was horrifying about that movie? There's a part in it where Cate Blanchett is supposed to play an old woman with a body that's gone south. Right. But she's banging?

No, they do it well. They've modeled her body so that it looks like a woman who used to have a nice body that's gotten older. It's gone to seed. And it's still a nicer body than I had watching it as like a 20-year-old. You can't hold yourself up to these impossible standards, Nicole. You're always

comparing yourself to that old woman from The Shining in the bathtub. Or the old lady who threw the thing off of the thing on Titanic. Miss Daisy. These are all. Yeah.

These are all bodies. Yeah. It's unrealistic. That's why your magazine doesn't have any cover. It doesn't have any Photoshopping of any ladies. Yeah. No. Be your own best body.

Yeah. Oh, man. Even if it's shitty. Dave, do you have an overheard? Okay, guys, here's my overheard. It's from the town of Portland, Rip City. What's the other nickname for it?

Poutown. Stumptown. Stumptown, that's right. So I was Abby and Margo and I were having breakfast. Uh, we went to this restaurant and, um, uh, it was like, it was, you know, 10 in the morning on a Tuesday. So you can get any table in a restaurant. Hot and cold, running women everywhere.

And so we, we get there and the hostess is like, uh, would you like a booth? And this other woman had rushed in sort of out of breath and when the hostess was like, would you like a booth? This woman behind us goes, no. I mean, I don't think there are any. And we looked at her like me, Abby and the hostess all looked at this woman and she was on her cell phone. And it was like the only time that's happened where someone talking on their cell phone has been...

Lined up. Said something that was pertinent. And were there any booths? There were plenty of booths. She was wrong. And then she looked very embarrassed. She's like, I'm talking... My friend's at a restaurant that doesn't have any booths.

So I don't think there are any booths at that restaurant. But this one probably. There's nobody here. Okay, bye. She's Johnny Boothseed. Real folk hero if he wasn't so drunk all the time. Johnny Boothseed. Drunk all the time in a booth.

And then he bumped and then he hit. And then he bumped again. Coach him. Coach him. Almost killed by a again. Coach him, coach him. Almost killed by a booth six times. Johnny Boothsy. We're all garbage today. Three bags of garbage, please.

But I want to, you know, just want to say a prayer for all the football players playing in the Super Bowl this week. Yeah. Yeah, Marshawn Lynch, good luck. He seems like a good dude. And that other one having a baby. He's like fighting the good fight. He is. Actually, he's very funny. I think he's really cool.

I'm not joking. He makes... I'm not joking either. I like him a lot. Everything I say makes him seem like a bad dude. He makes crotch-grabbing gestures. He refuses to talk to the media. Yeah, sounds like a real peach. But I i think he's great all right yeah both nicole and dave are in love with johnny boothsy

um my overheard courtesy of public transit no less okay uh this was a a girl i guess taking a stab at being uh pc or i don't know she was talking to her date boyfriend not sure uh-huh uh she said uh like i personally would never call a Oh, good. If you don't stand for something. Oh, my. Yeah. Oh, my God. And I don't think the guy brought it up. Was it Guy Forrest Gump?

Tell me what racist names you use and which ones you would here's who i would call a ping pong a penguin uh yeah anyways so that was uncomfortable yeah um she seems cool though yeah sure well that's it was weird because you mentioned the term PC for politically correct. Yeah. Do people still use the term PC for computers? Yeah. Because ever since those Mac ads stopped, do they... Oh, like...

Yeah, what else would you call it? A tablet? I think gamers call them that. Oh, yeah. When I was at the border and the guy was giving me guff. Did you have your PC with you? That would have been a tell. He was like, are you meeting any friends on the other side?

And I was like, well, yeah, there are some people. How do you know these people? Oh, from the internet. What are you? Are these people you play games with online? And I was like, no. What? Is that very common?

Meeting up with my Call of Duty crew? Yeah, we're going to reenact one of the fights we do online. We're going to meet at a Legion and talk about old war stories. Yeah. Oh, you guys are all 12. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm the only adult here. I didn't think this was happening like this.

I should have bought all this booze and pornography. Well, we know each other from the internet, so I know you're into pornography. Nice spread of booze and pornography. Nice spread magazine. You have this month's nice spread. Yeah, they had to black out the cover legally. You have this month's nice spread. Yeah. They had to black out the cover legally. Now, we also have overheards sent into us by people all over the world.

If you want to send one into us, you can send it to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one. Now, this is, I'm still on summer of last year. Just to give you a time reference. Okay, so this is, I'm still on summer of last year. So, just to give you a time reference. Okay, so this is one about jet skiing. There's so many, you know, a beach. There's one about a beach, and there's one that references a specific event. Oh, oh, summer of last year event.

The moon landing. Oh, yeah, no, this is definitely still summer, yeah. This is from Eric W. I was visiting my family tonight, and while we were at a moose hunting lodge themed pizza place that lets you throw peanut shells on the floor, the following exchange took place. Would you like another glass of deer urine? That's what we call water. Yeah. Here's your rifles. Now shoot the pizza.

This is an exchange that took place between my sister and brother-in-law who are in their 40s. Brother-in-law, Weird Al's new album is the number one record in America. Sister, geez, I didn't know he was still making music. Is it a parody album? Brother-in-law, I don't know. I'm't know he was still making music. Is it a parody album? Brother-in-law. I don't know. I'm just telling you the facts I have. Oh, boy.

Yeah. It's all just acoustics. Yeah. It's his slow jams. Weird Alan D'Angelo put out a very similar album recently. Is it a parody album? Is he still doing that or has he moved on? He's still weird, right?

Oh, I love Weird Al. I think he's really nice. I like Marshawn Lynch better. I was thinking of Marshawn Lynch. They both do a good parody. They both do good crotch grabs. They're both going to a beast mode. Okay, the next one comes from Katie G.

This is overheard from a beach in Vancouver. That's somewhere all right. Yep, young kid, about 10 or so. Great news, everyone. All the ice cream is melted. Great news everyone All the ice cream is melted That sounds like a kid who's like Being sarcastic and you all ruined it

Good news everyone Ice cream's melted You got your wish Yeah exactly We stayed at the dumb beach I hope you're happy The ice cream man came by and told us it was all melted. I'm just driving around with a bunch of liquid in my ice cream truck.

Oh, well. Also, people could be at the beach now. It's beautiful out. It's January. It is very nice out. And it is the warmest it's ever been in the history of the world. Yeah, I'm wearing cutoffs. Cutoffs and construction boots.

I am just sitting here in a bikini with my weird body. I just swung my chair a little aggressively, shook the table. It's all right. Your body's weird. It doesn't know what it's doing. My body has no control over it. It's the table. All right, your body's weird. It doesn't know what it's doing. My body has no control over it. It's okay. You've had two sips of wine.

That's how you get a weird body. Two pound weights, two sips of wine. What exercises do you do with the two pound weights? I was lifting. I know, but are you curling? Are you going up? I did like a bit of everything and none of it correctly.

But like, did you lift with your back completely straight? I did some of the like, I must increase my bust one, you know, if you're not girls. But I saw what you were doing. Do you lie on your back and push up? Oh God, no. Do you do the overhead back and push up? Oh, God, no. No, no.

Do you do the overhead? I do an overhead a little bit, but it's so hard. Is it a routine you have, or did you do this one time and then? No, I tried. When I was out on the coast, I was like, I'm going to better myself. So I've been drinking lots of water and lifting weights. Yeah, you need muscle milk if you're going to bulk. What the hell is muscle milk?

It's this product you use to bulk. I don't want to bulk. What about hemorrhage? Why are you lifting so many weights? Yeah. When will I ever have Cate Blanchett style old lady body? Oh, you just wait. Good things come to those who wait.

The last one comes from Patrick W. in Kansas City. Cate Blanchett's a weird one. Is she? Well, she's a beautiful lady, but she's not like a beautiful lady that men would think about. I don't know. I'm thinking about her right now. I know, but it's like, yeah, there's a lot of options out there. Like, every time I see Cate Blanchett, I'm like, hey, that's a beautiful lady. But

when she's not around, I'm like, I don't think about Cate Blanchett. Well, but she sends me a Christmas card every year, so I think about her at least once a year. That's nice. Yeah. It's usually... It's a nice. Yeah. It's usually. It's a lie. No, it's usually a very tasteful nude on the car.

Wow. Not from. No, yes, from Benjamin Button. I was thinking, what was the magazine? Big spread magazine. Nice spread. Oh, I'm spread. I'm the bad guy.

Thick spread magazine. Disgusting spread, right? It's usually just about hummus. Big spread. Oh, we're a nice spread family. It's the only pornography we allow in this house. I don't want you playing with that kid anymore. He's got big big spread magazine.

Oh, boy. All right. Did we do this one yet? Nope. Patrick W. from Kansas City. Patrick Duffy? I was sitting in a room reading a book and listening to my kids playing in the other room when I heard my son, who's five years old, begin to sing, Santa Claus is coming to town. It went like this.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming in a car. Which, I don't know why. It must be the cobblestones. Two nuns on bicycles.

Yeah, and Santa Claus. two nuns on bicycles yeah and santa claus and they say we are all come yeah oof marone now in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 206-339-8328 like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Megan from Portland, Oregon calling with an open phone. I was at the pub the other night down the road to my house

and guy one said to guy two at the bar, do you know how she gets when she drinks? And guy number two said, said yeah she's really nice and guy one said oh no are you kidding she punched you and guy two says well yeah but after that she was really nice yeah yeah she just needs to get it out of her system. Yeah. I know, it's so nice. Yeah. I understand that girl. Just on a fundamental level. Are you a drunk puncher?

No. Just let that hang. Do you ever do that? Do you ever get in the scrap? But you're nice when you're drunk? I can see going from being mean to nice really quickly. No, I think I'm a fun drunk. I just think you're a drunk.

We'll put that to the test that you're going away party. How many trains have you been hit by? Mike Miller. Michael Miller. He's six times by a train. And he died on the seventh. You only get six drunk hits.

He lives in the land of the slow-moving train. You know I'd like Michael Miller if he wasn't a dick. Do you think he got hit by six trains in a row? I don't think they were his choice. I think the trains hunted him down because he's such a dick. Do you think he got hit by six trains in a row? I don't think they were his choice. I think the trains hunted him down because he's such a dick. You're on our track. They got him in his house while

he was asleep. Got him where he lives. Here's your next phone call, Michael Miller. One was the band. Hi, Dan and Graham, it's Sarah from Chicago. I was in a department store walking past the children's clothing section, and there was a dad, and he was surrounded by three little girls. They all looked maybe under six, and they all had tear-streaked faces.

And dad was holding up a Teenage Mutant Ninjas T-shirt, and he said, if one more little girl cries while we're shopping, I'm going to buy this t-shirt and make her wear it for the rest of the day. The punishment fits the crime. That's some good fathering. Yeah. You know, but wouldn't, I don't know.

Aren't there little girls that like Ninja Turtles? Yeah, absolutely. Not these girls. Guys, I don't know if you know this i have a baby girl now yeah yeah and uh the that the princess stuff starts early yeah who's the female turtle lindsey leonardo michelangelo rafael mary curry that's right there weren't too many renaissance women who were remembered other than mon Lisa. Yeah, Mona Lisa. She's the rat that trains them.

Mona Lisa, man of nature. Whistler's mother makes an appearance. Better named. Always called Whistler's mother. There are so many great women of art. Lena Samaila, Whistler's mother, the lady from American Gothic

Carol Gothic Yeah they're all great Kathy Garfield Is Odie a boy? Yeah Odie's a boy Odie's a boy I think Nermal

You know what? I'm not sure Yeah I'm not sure Odie's a boy Pretty sure Odie's a boy Pretty sure Odie's a boy What's it short for? Obadiah? There's a lot of strips where you see his balls

Where he's walking away In a panel and then you're like, oh yeah Is that it for calls? No, of course there's a third I just thought we could maybe go on About these Ninja Turtles Also you mentioned the band Train And I think you got cut off There's a third? Oh, really? I just thought we could maybe go on about these Ninja Turtles. Also, you mentioned the band Train, and I think you got cut off.

No, it's fine. I was just saying Train was one of the people. What's your favorite Train song? I only know like three. Oh, come on. What are they? Meet Virginia. Meet Virginia. Drops of Jupiter.

And Hey Soul Sister. Yeah, that's all I know. Was that one with Danny Trejo in the video? What? Yeah, the other most recent album. I'm not familiar. A Train, A Train, Train. Here's your final overhead.

Danny Trejo. So I drove past my local pharmacy and it was on fire and there were two fire engines that were coming to put it out. And in all of this bustle, there is a guy at the Redbox outside of it just trying to get a DVD. And I don't know if you guys know what a Redbox is, but it's like a little mobile DVD thing.

It's like a food truck. And he just didn't give a good goddamn. He wanted to watch Taken 2. And nothing was going to stop him. No, you don't know it was Taken 2. But probably. He probably stood around and watched.

Or Rio. Yeah, what's big now in Redbox? John Wick? Yeah, I don't know. Guardians of the Galaxy? Million Dollar Arm? What? John Wick? Yeah, I don't know. Guardians of the Galaxy? Million Dollar Arm? What? John Hamm? The John Hamm

vehicle? Never heard of it. Oh, what about a John Hamm vehicle? Oh boy, like a machine? Like a Toyota John Hamm? So classy. What a handsome car. Swerves all over the road uh huh uh

kinda greasy it's a little greasy on it's off days but it cleans up nicely oh yeah you can see it's penis through it's pants I think that is

one of my favorite things about Jon Hamm that they like that they were like oh it's distracting on set you have to wear underwear every day like they told them specifically is that a thing? that's a thing I just know the the like They were like, oh, it's distracting on set. You have to wear underwear every day.

Like they told them specifically. Is that a thing? That's a thing, yeah. I just know the paparazzi picture where you can see the outfit. Yeah, and then there was like a report from a set, either from Mad Men or a movie he was on where he wasn't wearing underwear on set. People were like, you gotta start. Oh, that movie was in Million Dollar Dong? Yeah. That's right.

Million Dollar Third Arm. It's usually a third leg. Well, that's the title of the movie. Where is his penis if it's a third arm? Listen, if you don't know by now. Yeah, you're 30. Well, I don't. That's what I'm saying.

I'm a 30-year-old willing to sleep with fans of Doctor Who as long as they're fine with my weird body. That is a direct offer. But she's into guys with weird bodies with a third arm. I'm okay with weird bodies. Well, you should be. Now, if people Google your body right now What would they find I don't know

Google Nicole Passmore body Should have said weird Searching google for Nicole Passmore body So just give it a moment Yeah Oh it's mostly pictures of your face. That's not your body. Well, it's part of your body.

Technically. Also, it's a mugshot of this woman named Nicole Maxine Passmore. Mm-hmm. Do you know her? No. Is she a babe or what? Yeah, she's pretty pretty pretty. Oh, great.

Don't worry, though. She's in jail. She's not going to be pretty anymore. Oh, lordy well now this brings us to the end of the show uh do you have anything specifically you want to plug oh i don't know i don't know when this will be out this will be on monday monday oh that's so soon after the super bowl yeah um i'm uh doing a show on February 20th at Little Mountain. What's it called? Valentine's Day. It's going to be a show with my favorite ladies, Benjamins.

We're going to do just a great show. Okay. Yeah. What is it? Sketch? Improv? It's improv, sketch, stand-up. It's all combined.

Everything. It's just comedy. Nice. It's funny. Do you like to laugh? February 20th is your time. Yeah. I's just comedy. Nice. It's funny. Do you like to laugh? February 20th is your time. Yeah. I don't know.

I could plug that. Okay. You're doing it. February 20th. Little Mountain Gallery. Yeah. It's like a Friday. Yeah.

It's a Friday. Little Mountain Gallery. I guess I'll throw out like a preemptive plug for the company that I'm going to be involved with in Toronto, which is Bad Dog. Oh, Bad Dog. Yeah. Our friend Connor Holler. Amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. Connor Holler, Craig Anderson, a bunch of wonderful past. Very talented people. Some of the most talented. So you're moving to Toronto. Yes. To hang out with people that used to live here.

You've hooked up where you're going to be performing. Do you know where you're going to be living? No. Okay, so you've got your priorities straight. Yeah, they're a great company

I'll be working with. And maybe they have an extra bed. Maybe. Maybe you can sleep on their floor. Hi guys, do you have a floor? Hi guys.

America, send me one dollar, please. I need a bed. Do you have a floor? Hi, guys. America, send me $1, please. I need a bed. Do you have any wats? Do you have wats? Hello, I have a weird body. Is there room for my weird body on your floor? I mean.

How weird a body are we talking about? I don't need that much room. I just need a weird shape. Yeah, I need womb for my tail. I'm not very big, just very weird. Like a wambus? Oh. And it's not a plug, but just a shout out.

Check them out if you're in Toronto. Yeah, go to Bad Dog. Oh, go to Bad Dog all of the time if you're in Toronto. Go there all the time. All of the time. For your groceries. 24 hours a day. You know, for your entertainment. 24 hours a day you know for your entertainment

but you were gonna say i was gonna say just uh just hopefully my lord bing kids do well and if not they're still the most cool most amazing gray ghost it's such a weird school name but yeah the great all of my siblings all of my siblings went to lord bing really not you. Lord Chandler Bing. That's, yeah. Crazy. Weird. Yeah. Lord Bing's wife, Lady Bing, is the, there's a. She found a search engine. There's a hockey trophy named after her. Yeah. For the most sportsmanlike player. Oh.

That's very nice. Yeah. And Lord Bing has a high school. Miscongeniality of hockey. Mm-hmm. And if you like the podcast, go over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap of this week's episode.

Pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Surely a video of Train, which you guys were listing off songs that you like by this band. I've never heard of them.

You've heard of them. You've heard Train. Hey, soul sister. I got Mr. Mr. on the mr on the radio stereo the way you move it there you know hey who are you who are you my parents okay here uh what's the other one back in the atmosphere drops the jupiter No. No. You know it. I don't. What? Tell me.

You need to feed us a cow with your mouth. Oh, that sounds familiar. Yeah. Na, na, na, na, na. You must have heard this. I think that last one. What was the other one? That was.

I don't know this. I don't know. What was the one I mentioned? I don't remember the name of it. Oh, you said. Anyways, everybody's not listening anymore. Oh, you said... Anyways, everybody's not listening anymore. Oh, meet Virginia.

Meet Virginia. All right. So, that will be on the blog. Oh, yeah. What else did we talk about? Whatever. Toilet rats.

Portland. Toilet rats. Portland. Toilet what? Rats? I'm not taking a picture of any rats. The border.

I'll make Graham take a picture of my weird body. Yeah, I'll take a picture of Nicole's weird body. Right. Benjamin Button body. That'll fix Google images. And yeah, thank you for being our guest. Thank you so much for having me. If you like the show, please do tell your friends

and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.