Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 360 - Sean Proudlove

Episode Date: February 10, 2015

Sean Proudlove returns to talk retirement homes, naked men, and Ron White.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 360 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the Anderson Cooper edition. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's always to the point, to the point, no faking. Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon? That's right, Mr. Dave Shubka.

Thanks. Is that the Beastie Boys? I think it's Ice Ice Baby. Oh, it is. I knew it was one of our whitest rappers. I don't know why I thought of that, but I thought of it like this morning and I was like, put that in the Rolodex. You're going to need it for later. Right.

And you did. And our guest today, returning guest, a very funny comedian, Mr. Sean Proudlove. That's me. Hello. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming back. No worries. A lot of people have specifically said,

hey, when is Sean Proudlove going to be back on the show? Mostly me, changing my voice, calling and sending texts. A lot of fake emails, elaborate. Changing your voice for the email. That's exactly it. Still from Sean Proudlove. Yeah, but he signs it cheers. Yeah, cheers exactly every time.

Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. No, actually, when Graham was like, oh, yeah, we're going to have Sean on. I was like, but he was just on. He was. Then I checked. It was 90 weeks ago.

Yeah, that's exactly it. I leave a lasting impression. it was 90 weeks ago. Yeah, that's exactly it. I leave a lasting impression. Well, my dad was telling me he was crying, laughing from your story about the guy. But he always peels onions

when he listens to it. Yeah, that's true. My dad's on kitchen patrol for the army. Exactly. He's still trying to work his way up from private for the last 50 years. He's always on KP duty his way up from private For the last 50 years

He's always on KP duty You read the story of Sean driving around the guy who was looking for crack Yeah, the guy buying his first ever crack Yeah, the rock The rock I still look for him I see a sad face in the corner

I'm like, is that him? No Another sad face So since you have last been on I see a sad face in the corner. I'm like, is that him? No. Another sad face. So since you, since you have last been on, you're, you're now a married man. I am. Yes. We outnumber you right now. Two to one.

That's right. Yeah. Join the club. Yeah, exactly. You get a ring and everything. Well, I'm, you know, I keep putting on Tinder. I'm looking for something serious. Dyslexic Tinder.

They keep going the wrong way. Come on. Do you see yourself getting married one day, Greg? Not really. Have you ever? No. No. Have I ever been married?

No. Just have you ever, like, as a kid, like, people say that girls, like, have been planning their weddings since they were seven, which is super sexist. Did you plan your wedding since you were your wedding i used to have a joke about that in my set it's like how they must be terrible planning wedding because they haven't even booked anything yet that's true why didn't you book a band well because you wouldn't be into new kids on the block forever i know but if you you i think all the bands that you were into when you were seven would be attainable now. Oh, that's true.

It's like, remember when Vancouver booked, was it Lubega? Oh, New Year's, Millennium Night. Remember how it went? Millennium New Year's. Remember how they screwed up the timing? So the song was supposed to end at midnight, but it ended like 11.56. So you had to keep going? Yeah.

A little bit more it was ridiculous it would have it would have been fine because in the in the song he counts up one two three four five yeah and then for the it was like nine minutes the song backwards or you count down to the new millennium it ruined the millennium that's all i like screw you they booked him at the peak of his powers in September of 1999. And he was unfamous by December. And at midnight, he couldn't sing that song anymore. It's over. Yeah, so no, I haven't planned my dream wedding.

Plan to get out of it? Yeah, I plan to fake my own death. You plan to be a runaway groom? Yeah. I'll be a gone boy. Yeah. It's like Saw. They trap you and you just give in to it.

Gone boy. The meninist reaction. And you went away on a honeymoon. Where did you go? We went all over. We went to Palm Springs. I got a little taste of that. Some oldness.

Yeah, lots of oldies down there. But I walk, I hobble walk now, so I fit in quite nicely there. So I'm like, hmm. And then we went to San Fran, but then we drove down to San Simeon and went to Hearst Castle. I don't know if you ever heard of that.

No, like Hearst. Hearst Empire, the newspaper guy. He built a house on top of this massive mountain. This takes 20 minutes and a bus to get up there. Whoa. But it's one of the nicest castles I've been in. It was pretty nice. I can, it's, they've only filmed two things there.

Apparently it was Spartacus in like the, they have this amazing pool. And then Lady Gaga recently filmed a video there. And she must've spent millions. Yeah. Because they just don't do that. And I saw it and it was a terrible video, but all I could think of being like,

how much money did you have to pay them to get up there? Lady Gaga was just throwing, because the song's terrible and it's just. Does somebody live there? No, it's a kind of a museum now. So it's a really old. Is he the basis of Citizen Kane? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I am besides Citizen. Citizen Kane? Oh, that place there, you could just see where you'd spy on people because every window could look out and you could just see people. I mean, unbelievably gorgeous, middle of nowhere. Right.

But we went there and that was fun. And then to San Fran and then we went to, uh, um, San Francisco. Oh, okay. Exactly. Oh, I call it Frisco. It is a Frisco, which was nice, except that, uh, I got there and they're like, yeah, we don't

have your reservation. I just drove down the highway for hours. I'm so tired. I flipped out. I flipped out. Just F bombing everybody. Just cause I am like, well, I know one thing. You've already taken my money.

But they're just like, yeah, it's not in the thing. And I'm like, oh. So did you get a- They did. Once you show them a thing, they're like, oh, okay. But it was just one of those things. I'm like, this is the last thing I want at this point. Because San Francisco is not exactly.

I'm like, oh, there's a hundred hotels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's super cheap. It's one of the I want at this point. Cause San Francisco is not exactly. I'm like, oh, there's a hundred hotels. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's super cheap. It's one of the cheapest places in the world. Yeah. And just, I just, I was exhausted by the time I got there.

So, and, um, but. Did you go to Alcatraz? No, we didn't. We just, uh, we're only there a couple of days, but we got a really nice view of the, uh, uh, the bridge, which is destroyed in every movie, by the way. That's all I know. I'm like, that's the bridge that, uh, anything bad happens. Oh yeah. The aliens really hated that bridge. Oh yeah. Aliens, earthquakes, by the way. That's all I know. I'm like, that's the bridge that... Oh, yeah. Anything bad happens, that was Cisco's bridge.

Oh, yeah, the aliens really hated that bridge. Aliens, earthquakes, any type of... Oh, yeah, the planet of the apes all got on it. Exactly. That bridge is doomed. It's the first thing to go. Yeah, that and the Statue of Liberty. Statue, oh, yeah, that crumbles.

Yeah, they're not too interested in anything in between. No. No, yeah, you very rarely see, like, a water tower being knocked over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to get you, Mall of America. None of those low-end family things.

The funniest thing that happened to us in San Fran is we were walking down the strip, and there's lots of people, and I looked across the street, and everybody was kind of, they were just staring, and I couldn't figure out what they were staring at. At you?

Yeah, at our side of the block, and they were just, I'm like, they seemed to be mandarin, because everybody was walking and these people were standing and had their phones. And then a guy was by a little garbage can and he had these vines and stuff and he jumped out and would scare people and he scared the crap

out of me and Lisa. Just like, ah! And everyone laughed. You have to take it. You got to be like, oh yeah, good one there, homeless man or whatever your deal is. And everyone laughs on the to take it You gotta Oh yeah Good one There homeless man Or whatever your deal is And everyone laughs

On the other side of the street But I said Next time we come here We're gonna go buy this And I'm gonna fake A heart attack I'm gonna I'm gonna make him

Sweat it out there I'm like I can't breathe But like Was he asking for like Change Yeah well that's That's the thing

Anytime like Someone is Like a street performer, like, Yeah, they have the statue guys. They're fine. Yeah, if you take a picture

of a statue guy, you're supposed to give him a dollar or two. Which is reasonable. If the guy scares you, are you then like, oh, I guess I owe you two dollars?

I think you spill change in a panic, like blah, and your change flies over. I don't know what it was, but everyone enjoyed themselves a little too much. I felt like,

I think they were the people that just got scared and you go over there and you. Oh, you go like, now you're a teen. Yeah, you go over there and be like, yeah, let me laugh at the next idiot. And he does this all day long. So somebody's going to boot him. And he's covered in vines. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

But you just don't look at a garbage can and be like, that garbage can looks suspicious. Because there's like a, I think I was looking At Cookie Shop That was there I'm like look at these Cookie dogs So So somebody's got A great video of me Just look like I'm

That's the name of the video Man obsessed with Cookie Shop Cookie man scare Look at him push His new bride to the ground Take her We just got married

Exactly Wow he gave us So much information. It was, so. So that was the one thing I remember most about San Fran. So it's sad as that is, but that made a bakery with that bread. They had all these animals with bread. It was really weird.

What? Yeah, I did put it on Instagram. It was a bakery that made buns and bread into all sorts of animals and shapes. And it was one of the busiest places I've ever seen. They had race cars. Oh, okay. It didn't make them into like living animals. No, exactly.

There was no wizard. There was a wizard with a wand. Be like, make this alive. But that's, and people just in droves. Really? But I guess if you can eat some buns, I mean, I want to shape like a koala bear. Yeah, if you're throwing a fancy, that's the thing with those shows like about cake places and cupcake places. There's always somebody who's having a party that needs a thing shaped like a thing.

Yeah, something more special. But I've never been to a party with a thing shaped like a thing. My sister makes wedding cakes for a living. She's made some fancy cakes. And birthday parties, especially, they'll do like weddings weddings, they'll just do it like, put flowers on it. Birthday party is like, you know, my kid is really into, you know, hockey. So make a stick cake. Stick cake.

Yeah, because I never, like when I was a kid, that wasn't an option. Ooh, black cylinder cake. Yeah. The Safeway Special. That's what I got. Or McCain a puffed cake. Ooh, a black cylinder cake. Yeah. The Safeway Special. That's what I got. Or McCain's. Remember those? Tin foil.

The Deep and Delicious? Deep and Delicious. Oh, yeah. Either that or, I know past guest Erica Sigurdsson has a whole bit about it, but you would have cakes that you had money baked into it. That was like, that was huge. Oh, God. Money cake.

Anytime you get money in anything. Yeah. We had those. Did you have them? Money cakes? Yeah. Yeah was like, that was huge. Oh God. Money cake. Anytime you get money in anything. Yeah. We had those. Did you have them? Money cakes? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were they wrapped in wax paper?

Wax paper. It was. I ate my cake too fast, so I had a money turd. Oh, yes. There's quarters maybe in here. The McCain Deep and Delicious one is really weird. Yeah. Because it's, you have to keep it in the freezer,

but it's not an ice cream cake. Like the thing, you keep it frozen. Don't let it thaw out. It's like a petroleum cake of some kind. I loved it. And then I had a piece, I would say recently, the last 10 years, and it was not good. No, it's not.

Like on a generic space alien, like aliens came and they couldn't get the quite, they knew what it looked like and the texture, but the taste was just severely off. And I mean, I'll eat anything, Shigry, but it was just not right. I know. And I don't even know where you buy them.

Like I guess. In your grocer's freezer. I guess. Yeah, in the grocer's section. You know what I had recently that, you like graham crackers. Yeah, yeah. They've changed them. Of course, I named myself after them. But they have a distinct taste, you like graham crackers? Yeah, yeah. They've changed them.

Of course, I named myself after them. But they have a distinct taste. They're graham crackers. Yeah. Always been the same way. And I bought a box recently and it tasted so weird. I couldn't eat them. Because I'm like, the distinct taste I'm used to.

Have you changed? I sent them a thing saying, listen, these are crap. You sent them a thing? I was bored. And they're like, they said it was because, and I noticed that they make them in Mexico now. Nothing against Mexico, but I just don't think, you know, to make a good graham cracker down there.

And they said it's because it's whole wheat. I'm like, come on now. You can't change the flavor of the one thing you've got. Yeah. And they're weird now. I haven't, I honestly haven't had one probably for, yeah. Yeah. And you know, we all can imagine the taste. Yeah. These were not what they were.

For a second, let's all sit here and imagine the taste. Exactly. Bring back memory. This crust seems weird. Yeah. Put some chocolate on it. Yeah. Chocolate.

S'more. Marshmallow. It was very disappointing. But now I'm used to them. That's the sad part of it. I just give it in. Yeah. It is that soylent green type feel where I'm like, eh, all right, this is what it is now.

There's one type of cookie that I don't think you can buy anymore, but I have a fondness for them when I was a kid. McDonaldland cookies? Yeah. The ones that came in the shapes? Yeah. They don't make, they don't have that anymore. I've seen like animal shapes? Like the Ronald McDonald.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they were basically animal crackers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the animal crackers, yeah, so. But they were like, I don't know, they had a distinct. They had sort of a bit spanky. Animal crackers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The animal crack. Yeah. So. But they were like, I don't know. They had a distinct. They had sort of a Nilla wafer kind of. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like. Did they also have like super dry, tiny chocolate chip ones? Yes. Yeah.

Those were awful. Weren't they? Yeah. I mean, I loved them. Yeah. I ate them. Yes, of course. You're trying to get cookies at all points.

But they were like cookie crisp cereal. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of. Low end. Yeah, I ate them. Yes, of course. You're trying to get cookies at all points. But they were like cookie crisp cereal. Yeah, sort of. Low end. Yeah. I think they probably still have them in places. I just know that like

recently I went and we all got, what do you call them? McFlurries? Yeah. McFluffies. McFluffies, that's right.

Gabriel Iglesias brand. Collector cups. But I looked at the dessert and I didn't see cookies anywhere on there. So I don't know. I don't think they do. They rotate through their pie flavors all the live long day. Would you ever rotten fruit they can get their hands on? What's spoiling?

It's my pie. Well, there was a, I read an article about the McRib. Yeah. And it only, like, about, oh boy, I don't remember this article. It might have been wrong. But it was all about how, like, it's only available a couple weeks a year, but it's never the same weeks every year. But it all has to do with pork prices. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah. And it might be, either McDonald's is causing the prices to go down by buying so much of it. It is. Or when the prices go down, McDonald's buys it. Yeah, and it's. They make a big to-do. It's always, we're back.

No way. That's not my birthday. And yet when you order it, the clerk is always surprised. You want six of what? Yeah, exactly. And yet when you order it, the clerk is always surprised. You want six of what? Exactly. It's, you know what? They could make it out of beef.

Nobody would know. That's true. It's the flavor of the sauce. Because it is just generic rib. Yeah. It's not specific. It does. I don't know why they make such a big deal.

They could just call all of their things just meat. Like it's just a meat. We mix together all the animals no no no no you and donald's is cool they i'll eat at mcdonald's i'm starving i mean that's when they got man yeah i am starving then i they will they fit in that route i can do it i uh not starving, I've been on paternity leave for almost five months now. It's great. Uh, uh, it's coming to an end, but like the one thing I've noticed being home all day is lunch is a challenge because when you're working, you can bring a lunch or you can go out and get a lunch. And you kind of look forward to lunch.

Yeah. But when you're at home, you're like, oh, I got to make lunch now. Yeah. And so the only thing, like I'll go out and get lunch sometimes and, and, uh, but the only thing I like when I ask Abby, what do you want for lunch?

Only thing I say is no McDonald's. Like I'll get any other fast food, but I can, um, like I'll have McDonald's for dinner. Yeah. But for lunch, it's just like, that's too much of my day. That's going to be ruined. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I plan around it. Yeah. Cause you're not hungry enough. I mean, if you had, unless you've missed breakfast and didn't eat the night before, like if I have something else and then maybe I'll get some fries. Yeah. And it's also a foundation. Do I want the right foundation of the day to be McDonald's?

Like I'm screwing up everything. Yeah. Real early. I try and eat healthy as long as I can, and then it just falls apart at some point. Yeah. But like, I don't know. There's something about eating. Like I haven't eaten at McDonald's for years and years, but like I remember eating it for

dinner and being like, I better just go home and sleep. You'll sleep this off. Oh, yeah. I'm just, I'm going to wear this on my face for the rest of the night. Yeah. I feel like my way home is being illuminated by the sheen off my forehead. Well, because when I drive in cab, I go through McDonald's like a lot. Yeah.

Like to the point I know everything about. Do you ever drive in cab, do you ever have to take a client? Oh, yeah. That's what it is. Oh, really? Yeah, because I don't go myself. And they always try and offer it to me like I know everything about. Do you ever, driving cab, do you ever have to take a client? Oh yeah. That's what it is. Oh really? Cause I don't go myself. And they always try and offer it to me. Like we're doing cocaine.

They'd be like, come on, just have a burger with me. And I'm like, nah, I'm good, man. I just, I had dinner. Like, no, no, come on, just one. They really do try and talk me into it. I'm like, I don't care if you eat McDonald's. I don't care. I've been through here five times tonight.

I know the clerk. I know everything about this. But they just, they want you to eat with them. And I'm like, I don't, I don't want, I can't eat McDonald's every time we go through here. Yeah. But is it always the bars clear out and then people are like.

Yeah, bars clear out. Take me to McDonald's. And there's definitely a, depending on which McDonald's you go to, some are efficient and some are just horrible. Oh yeah. Like just unbelievable. They couldn't give a crap about what goes on

because they don't, they used to make it like they'd just sit it there and you'd get it and you'd get it quickly, but it's not fast food. Sometimes they'll make it to order and I'm like, it takes forever. Yeah. Forever. People go to McDonald's for a make to order.

And I don't shut the meter off. You're not, you're paying for this. Oh yeah. I'm not going to sit here and smell McDonald's and give you a deal. Oh yeah, exactly. Ruin my car for the night. Cause people always ask, can you?

No, no, that's not how it goes. Yeah. Well, that's weird. I've never done that before. Like I take cabs, but I've never like, hey, drop, you know, let's stop by here. I'll pick up some milk on the way home or whatever. I don't think of it as my vehicle. Yeah.

I've never, yeah. I've never left the meter running. No. Well, they all ask. They're like, the other guy did. I'm like, well, he isn't here now. Yeah. Let's cheapskate my goose. No. That, they all ask. They're like, the other guy did. I'm like, well, he isn't here now. Yeah. Let's cheapskate my goose.

No. That makes no sense. Can I stop paying for a bit? Yeah. Well, I pay this other person for food. Yeah, that's exactly it. You're paying a high price. I should just sell food in there.

I got pizza in the back. You know what? If you had a rack of crackers and hot dogs. If I had a rolling hot dog, I know, snackers and hot dogs. I had a rolling hot dog. I know I'd make, but somebody would just steal it and it would be a food fight. It would go poorly. When I was in university, there was a place you could order pizza from off campus. Canadian two for one, I think it was called.

Sure. Quality. Yeah, when two for one's in the name. Exactly. Yeah. Take two. Uh, but, uh, uh, like you would order it sometimes, but then most of the time, the guy who, uh, sold the pizzas, it would just come to campus with a stack of them and sell them for $5 a piece. Oh, that's smart.

Just walking around campus. You could walk pretty much anywhere and sell pizza. If you, if you don't look weird, but the, uh, cause people just, they want pizza and they don't care. Yeah. If you were just kind of like a, like a pizza cart would probably make a lot of money. Yeah. If you had a sign, so it looks legit.

Yeah. It just boxes. I'm like, where did you get those? It, uh, but. Found pizza. I'm not against it. I always say if somebody knocked on my door at the pizza and be like, I want to buy some of this.

Of course I want to buy some of this. I had no interest in it. But now that you're here and it's steaming. Just pizza that just shows up randomly at your door. That's nacho pizza. Wait, that's not right. That's pizza that doesn't belong to you. I don't know every time, but 75% of the time you'd probably get me.

Yeah. No, I'm the same way. I won't necessarily be thinking about pizza until I see it. And then I'm like, that's all I'm going to do. It glistens the way good pizza does. Yeah. No, I'm the same way. Like, I won't necessarily be thinking about pizza until I see it. And then I'm like, that's all I'm going to do. Yeah, it glistens the way good pizza does. Yeah. Oh, you all know it's been made fresh, so. It's in one of those heat conserving packs.

What are those called? I don't know. Thermo preservers. Thermo preservo. Yeah, the pizza box. Packages. Yeah, the metal on the inside. Like an emergency blanket.

I went to a pizza place last night. It was the one that used to be across from El Cocal. And I had a memory. Pizza Garden. Pizza Garden. I always have a memory of you. After El Cocal, you were pretty hammered. Yeah.

And we went there and the guy in front of us ordered seven of the eight pieces of the pizza you wanted. I remember this. And you were so surly bitter. I was so excited. He's like, who ordered seven of the eight pieces? He was so angry. It was unbelievable. And I'm like, there's nine other pizzas here.

I know, but he just. That's a real. Why not order either the whole pizza Yeah yeah Or three pieces Yeah How about you can have Two pieces And then if you're still hungry

You can have more That's a good idea Yeah So bitter But then I'm like Well it's not already my pizza I don't give a crap Just don't

Don't order any of this one I always think that Those pizza slice places Must just be The like Abuse central For whom? For the people that work there.

Like as the bars get out, because people just come in and they're just falling all over the place and just spilling shit and ordering a pizza and just dropping it on the floor, ordering another one. Oh yeah. Two bucks and yeah, get in, get out.

Have you seen, there's one on Granville Street, which is like the big entertainment district. And during, like up until 7 p.m., the slices are like $2. And then 7 p.m. to 12. Oh, really? $4 or $5. It's a peak pizza place. Yeah.

Oh, geez. I don't like that at all. Well, because they just know people will pay it when they're drunk. So they're just like, now that same piece of pizza is now $5. And you'll be falling over each other to pay for it. That's right. Yesterday, you know, like at McDonald's when they have the meal numbers, number one is a Big Mac. Yeah.

Because I guess that's their most popular. Right. And yesterday I went to that, I've never been before, that waffle sandwich place on Main Street. Right. And yesterday I went to that, I've never been before, that waffle sandwich place on Main Street. Right. In the middle of the day. But it's very, it seems like a drunk person food. Waffle sandwich. So it's just a regular sandwich, but with waffles for bread.

Yeah. They have savory. Right. And sweet. And it's a, I think Korean restaurant. So it's, the savories are, they have some that are like Western, like bacon and eggs. It's a Korean waffle. Wow.

Yeah. Sandwich. Waffle and milk bar. So, you also get milk? If you want it. I didn't. Wow. I got plenty of milk at home.

We got bags of the stuff frozen in the freezer. It's breast milk mostly but uh and so i was like i guess i got the number one because that from the mcdonald's model that is number one oof how was it bulgogi is some kind of beef with uh uh what's the cabbage oh kimchi kimchi yeah and uh egg between two waffles they're like this is our number one i guess so yeah oh wow make your way home while you eat it. What? Was it good? It was not. It was, like, it wasn't disgusting, but it was, I won't get it again.

You're not going to go for number one. Yeah, I'll go. I might get sweet in the future. Abby got a berries and cream. Yeah, that seems to be the way to go with waffle. I can't think. Like a savory waffle? Maybe bacon and egg would be fine. I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. go with waffle i can't yeah but like a savory maybe bacon and egg would be fine i don't know yeah yeah i saw a uh video online of uh it was a bunch of people from korea trying uh twizzlers for the first time and uh they were like it smells nice but then when they ate it they were like i can't believe people i love them yeah me But it was, if you had never seen it before, if you hadn't kind of grown up with Twizzlers, apparently it just tastes like plastic or weird. My thing with Twizzlers, I can't not eat them. So if I buy them in a movie theater, I literally have to throw half on the floor. I have to. If I don't do it, I'll eat them.

And I know there's, I can't eat all, well, I can, but it don't feel so swell. Yeah. But I saw one of those shows where they show how stuff's being made and it was not, I don't know if it was Twizzlers or one of the liquor shops. They melt down G.I. Joe's. It was like a giant blob, like just, and then they would just pencil it out and it was not, I don't need to see that. Yeah. It was all soft and weird. Yeah.

I feel like I don't ever get anything out of watching those, how this thing was made. Yeah. It's all a machine that does it. I want to see it like a hundred years ago when people had to make it by hand. Right. I mean, but the machines just be like, oh, okay. A machine does it. I can't steal that and go back in time and be like, we built a machine.

It makes no sense to me. I want to know how you would do it if you didn't. But yeah, it was gross. With the candy ones, they're like, okay, well, you got this big cylinder and you add eight giant bags of sugar. Yeah, exactly. You're like, oh no. It's like a huge man pulling this bag of sugar.

And then you pick your color and you're done. That is. And then they have a bad example of how much they make. It's like, we go to the moon and back. Oh, okay. Let me just do that. That's a lot.. It's like, we go to the moon and back. Oh, okay. Let me just do that. That's a lot. Yeah, that's, oh boy, that's a lot.

Yeah, 18,000 football fields. Yeah, they're always. A football field times a football field. Yeah, a lot. Yeah. For your waffle place to be like, yeah, it's like one football field. That's how many we sell each year. Yeah.

We're not doing, yeah, that's how they describe it. It's a picture of a football field. We're kind of at the 30-yard line. I remember the ads for Sleep Country Canada would be, we sell as many mattresses. If you stack them, they'd be as high as

Grouse Mountain. That's kind of gross. Is that included in the box prints? Yeah. A two-hour trek. trek in fact that's our plan we're gonna we're gonna make mattress yeah fuck mountain so it's sex camp at a sex camp we drop you from a plane exactly uh no come home alive uh not to put you on the spot, but do you have any more cab stories? I do, but I was thought, and we never talked

about it because I was only here once a week. I had a, if not better job as I used to drive the old people. Oh, yeah. You used to do hospital transfers. Yeah, it was, yeah, it was a transfer place that we'd take injured old, um, injured old people to and from hospitals or basically the rich.

It was a high end kind of, uh. Cause everybody else just takes the bus. Well, there's Handy Dart, which is the cheapo. Right. Like a bus service. And then there's ours that if you got the dough, you can be that and hospitals would pay us. It's actually a big company now.

They've gone union and everything. I've seen their, uh, their trucks around. Yeah, big company now. They've gone union and everything. I've seen their trucks around. Yeah, they're everywhere. Because they got union. I tried to start a union and we got shut down. That's basically the way it worked anymore. That is kind of the gambit. But now they're all union because the new people

said that, but I had some good stories from that. Yeah. Just because it was, once again, it was a job where when you're a comedian doing a normal job and you just see things through a different light, you're like, ooh, this isn't the way. Cause I went to a lot of old age homes. Uh, and I had some interesting stories. Yeah.

Um, like one of the ones I remember was, uh, when I first started doing the job, I didn't really know what I was doing and I'd pick old people up and take them to another place. And I picked. And you'd have to help these people into the vehicle and out of the vehicle. Yeah, I did.

Well, I've got extensive, a week training. I'm learning how to put somebody in a wheelchair and strapping them down so that in case of an accident, they don't end up outside the car. And at first I was not good at it. It was cause I'm like, how's this thing go? And I'm sure people were shaking in the back. Yeah.

And you're like. You'd hear cries of pain a lot because their legs would be injured and be like, how's this thing go? And I'm sure people were shaking in the back. Yeah. And you're like, you'd hear cries of pain a lot because their legs would be injured and be like, ah, I got used to that. It was cause yeah. Not strapped down there are you? But little things along the line just kind of went, oh, it's just kind of a job.

Cause it was a good high paying job. And, but I took this lady, I remember she got in the cab, she didn't say anything to me and I didn't know where I was going. And we're driving. She's in the back, all strapped in. And I hear her go, where are we going? And I'm like, uh, Blenheim, Blenheim Place. I didn't know where it was.

First time I was going. And then she kept muttering it. Blenheim Place. Blenheim Place. And as we pulled up, she had a moment of realize realization she goes i took my mother here 20 years ago she remembered dropping her mom off there and she know how to play it up yeah she knows how this is gonna work out no no and then she got all like please don't take me there and i'm like i gotta it's my job it's it's how i get paid all like, please don't take me there. And I'm like, I gotta.

It's my job. It's how I get paid. At least get my kids to take me. Yeah, I was just, oh, it was weird. Then I had to push her in. She's like, I don't want to go. So it was one of those, that was one of my first couple weeks. And I'm like, oh, is this what this job is?

That's one of the better ones, too. It's a one-way ticket. It's on the west side. It's got a beautiful view. But the thing is, when she dropped her mom off 20 years ago, it was all brand new and spiffy. Now it's kind of run down. Now it smells like her dead mom. Ghosts. Ghost moms everywhere.

Her mom's still in there shaking her fist at her. Yeah, that's exactly it. Ghost mom. Yeah. Is that the Felicia Rashad movie? Yes, ghost mom. It was horrible, but at the same time, it was eye-op opener to be like, well, this is how it's going to be. And as I say, I went to like high end and low

end, uh, places, but, uh. Where do you want to go when it's your time? Well, and to be honest, cause we don't think about it or we don't go there. Cause most people, when they go to these places, they see the grandma and grandpa cause they're expecting them, they're in a good mood. Right.

But I would go there after they leave and then they're all grouchy or miserable and, uh, you know, just, I always know if you see like a window open in the drapes, I'm like somebody died there. I mean, these are little things that I would know. I'm like, oh, right. Cause they don't airing it out. Yeah.

They don't open windows there for any other reason. I'm like, oh, that room's available. And the minute somebody's gone, somebody's in there again. It's just a, it's a cattle call. And, but I went to one that was like the worst ever where I walked in and somebody was squatting on a diaper and I'm like, this isn't the place to go.

And then I went to one where there was a movie theater where it all tin plate and everything. It was like the fanciest place ever. So you would go to a variety of that. And it was an eye opener for me. Cause I'm just like, you know, I'm not thinking about my future and that, but I'm like, you don't want to get out of there really. Nobody is. Or where are you going to end up? And it's, I'm not thinking about my future and that, but I'm like, ooh. No, I guess I'm not either, really.

Nobody is. Or where are you going to end up? And it's, I think like school. Having, yeah, having a baby, people are like, you got to get, before the baby's even born, you got to get on a waiting list for daycare. Exactly. And you've got to get on a waiting list

for a retirement. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, plans. Yeah, I want to go to the one with the movie theater. Yeah. Yeah. It's all dimension now. You know what? I'll just be on my phone with the movie theater Yeah it's all dimension now You know what I'll just be on my phone the whole time Yeah that's true

Oh imagine the phones will have They won't even have them I can't even use a banana as a phone now The kids don't understand It doesn't even make sense No they used to be in this shape Yeah you need a flatter fruit A slice of watermelon, something.

A pop tart. There he is. Killing my references, but it was an odd job. And as I say, at Die Young, that's what I, that's my message there. But didn't you also during, it was that same time you had a client where you drove a couple of kids to school?

I did. Yeah. But I had two distinct groups. I drove a bunch of young kids to school. I did. Yeah. But I had two distinct groups. I drove a bunch of young kids to dyslexia school. Okay. Which was weird. And they were pretty good. The only time they freaked out once was I had a

Georgia straight magazine or just a little like that. And in the back of them, there's all the scantily dressed. Oh yeah, of course. The escort section. The escort section, right. And they were looking at back there innocently. And then one of course, the escort section. The escort section, right? And they were looking back there innocently

and then one of them saw that and then they all got super giggly and all weird. They got weird. Like, because they all giggly. And they were dyslexic

so they couldn't read. So I'm just driving and I'm like, what's going on there? I'm like, I don't look at that page there because I knew their parents fairly well.

And then they all just got panicked and they started ripping it up. They got all shameful like they were all ripping oh the paper and i was like paper flying i'm like hey well let's just this is a secret that you guys know what a secret is right it was just really weird i'm like they went from giggly fun to this is the most shameful thing in my life let's both rip it yeah yeah pass some shame over to me yeah it looks terrible we're all in this together We're all Let's never mention this again

So Yeah I don't know How it went from that Or You're like You're like the transporter Yeah I was The transporter

You're the transporter Yeah Except I'm threatening them None of you say nothing You ever want to go Dyslexia school again But yeah I remember But that

But I had the better Have you ever fallen in love With a client The transporter does I didn't But they did tell me that sometimes maybe an old lady would reach over and grab your leg. Never happened. Not once. Even if I stuck my leg out of it. Nothing.

Seriously. You didn't put bronzer on the one leg? I had a couple of ladies giggle when I bent over to pick something up. They gave me the cat calls and stuff like that. In fact, it was a blend in place. I'm not going to lie. Oh man. And I blushed at everything. I'm like, whoo, whoo, whoo. That me the cat calls and stuff like that. In fact, it was a blend in place. I'm not going to lie. Oh, man. And I blushed at everything.

I'm like, whoo, whoo, whoo. That's the greatest. It felt pretty good. Yeah. It was pretty good. Bunch of old ladies. Woo-hoo.

Yeah, it was. If I was 20 years younger and had two new hips. Oh, yeah. I did it. I think it was a pen I was picking up. I was like,

mm-hmm. Yeah. It's never been that way again. Do the banana phone thing again. Banana phones. Knocking stuff over. I guess with old timey phones, it's not even a banana

because it's the one earpiece and then they talk into the operator. Yeah, exactly. It's a corn on the cob and an acorn. We need so many damn props for these old people. Evolution of phone props. There was somebody, I was watching like a pro-am night and there was a guy. So he was like 20 and he was doing the phone, the hand phone.

Yeah. Like, which is weird because he wouldn't have grown up necessarily with maybe house phones would have been on the yeah on the on the way out but this doesn't seem like a no i don't even this is the thing right yeah you got that little like a grip instead of doing the thumb would have been born in like 94 yeah so yeah you would have cordless by then yeah i guess but the cordless phone didn't look like that it was like uh i sort of did yeah i guess they were bigger when they started out that's true they had the big antenna that you had to pull out and stuff yeah yes but i mean how long is that gonna last i mean i know some people that have home phones but it's i don't

even talk on the phone yeah no nobody talks on the phone anymore. Businessmen. They're the only people talking on phones. Yeah. And lawyers. Conference calls. Yeah. Or like, where are you?

It's all angry. I'm done texting about where you are. Yeah. Exactly. You're getting the official call. Maybe you need something to vibrate every half a second for three seconds. Yeah. Now my phone rings.

I'm worried now. What? Who? Oh, yeah. What's gone wrong? And if it's a number that I don't recognize all the,

all the worse. Oh yeah. I'm like, oh, how did anybody get this number? I don't have voicemail. I'm just like,

no, you get nothing. Oh yeah. I don't have a, I just have a robot that says leave a message now. That's only my parents that call.

It's either my parents or Abby calling because I've lost my phone. Hey, I lost my phone. Can you call me? Yeah. Need that phone check. Yeah, it's like that.

One of the, it was probably my favorite group that I drove. I had two guys. I drove this one old guy. I remember him specifically. He was a, I'd say Croatian. He was like six foot five. Never said a word to me. Was it Drazen Petrovic? Yeah, it was. He was an old basketball, I'd say Croatian. He was like six foot five. Never said a word to me.

Was it Drazen Petrovic? Yeah, it was. He was an old basketball player. Uh, couldn't post, but he, uh, he never said anything. Like he was just a docile man. He always had his wife with him and, uh, we used to take them. They went to something and we dropped them off and never paid any attention to him. One day I picked him up and my boss says, oh, his wife's going to meet you at the

house. Uh, so just drop him off there. And I'm like, oh, okay. And we drop him off there and we get there. She wasn't there. And, uh, and I'm like, oh, that's weird. So, cause I went up to the door with him, got him out of the car and he's just like, he's like

Herman Munster just, but just, you know, like he had a lobotomy. Uh, never spoke, like never, never spoke. Um, his wife talked lots, but then I cut off the door and I press the button and nothing like, uh, nobody's there. And I'm like, oh no, she's not here. And, uh, I love mysteries.

Yeah. And then I call, I call my boss. I'm like, uh, oh, she's not here. She goes, oh, well, she's, uh, on her way. And, uh, just wait there. And I'm like, he's on a step. I should be all right. Then he speaks.

It was like the Indian in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Just like, what? I didn't even know you spoke. And he said this. He goes, me make pee now. What? What? What?

Are you kidding? I couldn't even process it. It made no sense to me. I'm like, what? That's your first words to me? Does it mean I just did or I'm about to and you can't stop me? Just so many things didn't work on that sentence

where I'm like, ah, and I'm like, ah, your wife's coming. I just started just, so your wife's coming. Bye. Yeah, just like, and he said it again and it was 5% more panicky. Me make pee now. And I'm like, ah, your wife's.

So I said, oh, okay, well, you know what I'll do is I'll buzz the manager. It's like in One for the Cougars is when he throws the urinal through the window. I buzzed the manager. Maybe she'll be able to let me in. It seems logical. So I pressed the thing and then I basically pressed a bunch of them. I'm like, anyone, let me in. I'm starting to panic.

And I see him come down. I have a giant man with me who needs to get in it. He's going to pee soon. a bunch of them. I'm like, anyone, let me in. I'm starting to panic. And I see a guy come down. I have a giant man with me who needs to hear this. He's going to pee soon. A lot of pee. We're in kids. It's just everything bad about this. And I see a guy coming. I'm like, oh, thank God.

Maybe it's the manager. And I open the door and I said, oh, he's got to go to the bathroom. I said, you know which one the manager is? And he goes, he is the manager. I'm like, he's a manager. What do you mean? He's this guy? Is anything fixed in this building?

Because seriously, I don't see him fixing anything ever. And then we just, we're in the building now, and he's quicker. Me make pee now. I'm like, I'm just going to call my boss. I mean, where the hell is she? You got to get here. He's got to make pee now. And he's like, he starts undoing his belt. And I'm like, where the hell is she? You gotta get here. He's gotta make pee now. And he's like, he starts

undoing his belt and I'm like, don't undo your belt. This is the worst. It's just no winning. Then he walks over and grabs a recycling bin. Yeah. But there's holes in it. I'm like, that's true. There are holes in it.

It was such a desperate plea and I'm like, now I gotta pee too. It's just so sad. It desperate plea. And I'm like, now I gotta pee too. And it's just, it's just so sad. It was cross swords. It was this clock ticking down of like,

ah, yeah, you're just, I'm melting. And then finally, his wife showed up and I'm like, he's gotta make pee now.

She's like, oh, he's always gotta make pee. I'm like, oh, okay. That's his thing. And I saw him again,

never spoke again. He was all happy. But it was that one, just, that was the one for, he didn't say anything. Didn't elaborate. Just me make pee now. You make pee make maybe that's all he knew it could be yeah it uh but it did go up in a frequency of panic like he's he's gonna maybe it was it was a nightmare i'm no

uh you know bomb diffuser yeah exactly it was the red wire. No, exactly. Pushing his penis against his balls. Is this, this cutting it off? This is work. I don't have any technique for it. You got to use your abdomens. Do you understand me? Oh,

I've got a lifetime of holding in P. Yeah. Google translate. Yeah. What does he ask? Oh, he he does he needs to urinate yeah so sadly that's all i remember him as i see him i don't like oh wow that's uh it just it's those things at work you're like i i can't believe this is happening yeah so because you know i have a record here this will go on my permanent record

not good with says here in your resume that you helped a man make pee in a recycling box. That's true. I did. This is your resume that you wrote? Exactly. That's right. Why is he wearing white pants? Oh, man.

Dave, what's going on with you? Guys? Yep. Here's what's going on. Suck it to me. So, Margo, our sweet baby, four and a half months old, and we just brought her to her first swimming classes. Oh, wow.

And they're great. Yeah. The pics are, they're so cute. Abby and I are switching off. She takes her in one time. I take her in one time. Yep. And it's very basic, very, let's just dunk them in the water

yeah and then lift them out of the water and put them back in the water uh sing some songs dip their ear in dip their other ear in right dip their chin in margo just like when you dip her chin in the water she just started drinking it it's the same thing in the bath. If we give her a bath, uh, uh, we, we use a washcloth and she'll just grab the washcloth and suck the water out of it. Uh, she's a, she'll, she'll be a hydrated baby. She loves water.

Um, but, uh, I hadn't been to a public pool in, oh, 20 years. Yeah. Been a while. i go to a lot of them i swim a lot yeah i'm like the thinnest fat guy at the pool i go yeah that in my one like i haven't been to a change room with adult men before it's not good and it is there the human body comes in many shapes and sizes yeah yeah not But. Not good. And old guys use the hand dryer inappropriately. Some people linger in there too. Yeah.

They just enjoy it. Like it's. Yeah. But they're drying everything under those hand dryers. And I know like, you know, women grow up and they imagine men's locker rooms and a lot of sexy stuff going on. Yeah. Snapping towels.

Snapping towels. Telling secrets. walking around in our lingerie yeah with our towels up around our chests uh but uh yeah it was like yeah no i in my experience i was like okay how do i do this where i'm naked for four seconds four seconds yeah a new technique of drying. Yeah. My pants go on wet. My legs don't get dried. Yeah. It's true.

It's true. Just jump into them. And while I was there, I was, like, there's so many penises around. There's nowhere to look. My peripheral vision. Oh, yeah. You don't, it's pretty easy to avoid like it was all basically all old chinese men yeah and like i didn't get a good look at any of them so i'm like i couldn't

tell you whether old chinese men are traditionally circumcised or uncircumcised yeah it's a blur it's a blur but you know they're there and i'm sure if shrinkage, like I don't know if that's an actual thing or if it's just something guys tell each other. Because I didn't notice like anyone particularly any size or another. Right. Yeah. But it's just kind of, it's just, yeah, like you couldn't, you couldn't identify one in a lineup. No, absolutely not. I totally get it.

That's why I have a picture of a rock hard in my locker. you couldn't uh identify one in a lineup no absolutely not i totally get it i guess i have a picture of a rock hard in my locker this is what it could look like but not in here yeah just a reference point yeah uh but uh yeah so it's like and there was one guy, a young guy, um, who was, there's one guy struggling with his locker and this young guy was waiting to use his locker. Right. Which was under the other guy's locker. Oh, I've had that situation. But the guy's waiting there completely naked.

Yeah. Like, well, just bring a towel. Like you didn't show up here. Like he looked like he was so comfortable being completely naked it was like seeing an alien like alien autopsy it was just like that that sort of like lanky walking around and you know how an alien's walking around when it's having an autopsy done and time slows down too or you know that drip goes all the way down off your penis and that sound of like

it's just such a why am i slowing this down i was trying to stand out of the way but my locker's nearby as well i was like i want this naked guy to to get his stuff and go yeah i remember when i was uh growing up we used to go to the the ymca every weekend uh, this YMCA locker room had a section where there was like a TV and like, like places you could see it and like watch whatever golf watch guys be naked. Yeah. They were just showing, uh, naked.

Yeah. Another locker room. Oh yeah. There's 40 guys in there, but there were old dudes, uh, love just hanging out. They love just But there were old dudes, uh, love just hanging out. They love just hanging out nude, just, uh, lounging around.

There's a group where I go to the pool and I go fairly often. It's like midnight to one. It's really cheap or a, uh, uh, you can go for a swim, but there's 15 guys that go in the sauna. Yeah. And I mean, if you want to go in in there just hear horseshit stories all night long like it's unbelievable like i can't go in there it's like three minutes i'm dying yeah but the story story and they're there all night long telling story and those guys dry off like the slowest oh yeah every you know like legs up underneath every crevice perfectly uh crispy dry they're

like so they're guys that would otherwise be at a bar telling like bullshit stories. Yes, for sure. In the sauna. In the sauna. In the sauna stories are, they're absurd. I wish I could record them. But there's, it's a group and they all know, I don't know if they know everyone's name. Listen to that.

I feel like an outsider when I walk in. Yeah, you walk in. Norm. Yeah. It's like, you know, like a bar in Transylvania. I walk in like, who's this guy? It's that type of, I don't belong. So, and I just, I just listen and sweat.

Vampire bar. Just here for a little sweat, gentlemen. Yeah. But, yeah, a couple of them actually, somebody will always grab their stuff and run off to the stall in the bathroom. That guy will be like, I ain't changing with you weirdos. Yeah. A couple of those.

Or somebody will go in the far corner and Blair Witch dry over there it's just yeah just facing the corner exactly the stalls are all full i'm quick i've got a technique that covers and i'm like it's not that i'm ashamed well i am i'm my normal ashamed yeah but i'm just like let's just minimal yeah like this is something we gotta do let's just i got places to be why aren't you guys hurrying? I'm like a magician hiding the trick. That's what I'm trying to put the towel on. Is this your card? That's exactly it. Don't misdirection up here.

Smoke bombs. A lot of smoke bombs. Slate of wang. Slate of wang. Bend over. Pull out kerchief of my ass. But yeah, I've definitely had like old guys like try and start a very you know chit chatty conversation oh yeah you like your beard is so long it covers everything yeah that's right i'm like mr natural yeah i just have yeah gigantic beard but yeah i

oh man last time i was in a locker room. It was a long time ago. But yeah, I got it down. I had a technique down for like, like you say, maximum drying. Yeah, like have access to your underwear and the towel. Like they can be in other, like you can have one in each hand. Yeah, but one of them always fall on the ground. Something always falls on the ground.

And gets soaked. The ground is like, I brought flip-flops because that's what you have to do. Oh, yeah. But it's no use. I mean. Everything's soaked. Yeah, there's germs everywhere. There's always a flip-flop.

There's always a band-aid somewhere in there. If you get the band-aid on the ground spot. Oh, yeah. Or some guy that pulls his pants out of the locker and all of his change goes everywhere. Yeah, that's a guy. Yeah, I do it every night. Sorry, gentlemen, I dropped all my change again.

Let me just bend over and get this one and this one. Oh, is this an American quarter? Exactly. Have a look at this for me. My nails can't get it out.

Yeah, some people do enjoy it a little bit more. Yeah, I think it's as you get older. You just don't care anymore. I remember I had a good body. I had a good body.

Maybe I may lounge around there, but. Yeah, these guys never have good bodies. No, no way. Yeah, there were guys with swimmer, good swimming physiques in the pool, not in the dressing room. They must have their own dressing room. Yeah, exactly. As you're walking in, a door just opens up. Yeah. Secret door. Not in the dressing room They must have their own dressing room Yeah exactly As you're walking in a door just opens up Secret door

You keep going to the right And then there's people that whistle and sing too Oh the whistlers Yeah there's always a guy Singing or whistling in the shower Or sudsing up a little too much I've noticed that It's chlorine's all over me.

When you were, when I was in elementary school, I was, we did, I had swimming lessons. Yeah. But in high school, we just had gym class and nobody showered. So it was like. Never. It was. No, no, but we did, we had to shower during a swimming unit in high school. Oh, we didn't have swimming in high school because we didn't have a pool at our school.

Yeah. We were connected to a community pool. And so we, uh, yeah, it was like, I never saw, like no one ever had to take their underwear off in, in, in the change room. Yeah. So it was basically like, you see, some guys wouldn't take their shirts off. No, that's true. Never.

But that was basically it. It was like you would take your shirt off, and that was the extent of the high school nudity, which I was thankful for. But there were showers, and I remember on multiple occasions people throwing each other into the showers and turning them on. Oh, yeah. Fully clothed. I remember that. Or throwing your backpack in there and turning on the water. fully clothed i remember that or throwing your backpack in there and turning on the water totally yeah classic bully moves

yeah that was like gym classes where bullies really shone oh yeah absolutely you had different techniques for changing a quick vision if you get in there a little bit early, yeah, it's not good. I have a friend who hated gym so much that on the second day of gym, tried to flush his gym uniform down the toilet and blocked up the sewer. And sewage covered the first two levels of, you had these foot lockers that you put in your shoes. And so, yeah, the first two levels of foot lockers just got ruined by sewage. Oh,

memories. Locker room stories. Uh, so yeah, swimming class with a baby is great. Yeah. Changing that's so great. Oh,

there's like a little enclosed area. There's like the one pool for doing laps. Yeah. And then there's another pool for old people. Yeah. Basically. Yeah. Loading. Uh, and then there's another pool for old people. Yeah. Basically. Floating.

And then there's like an enclosed pool area where the baby class takes place. And before you get there, it's just filled with old ladies with those like styrofoam weights. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The exercise. And then you, but there's no class going on. They're just doing their own thing.

Yeah. And then as soon as the babies get there, they leave. And then in the middle of the baby class, the babies go to another area, like right nearby. And you put them on the pool deck and you jump them back into the pool. Right. And then in that two minutes that you move the babies from the main area, old ladies have all returned. Yeah. It's like they're, oh, we got it back.

So they have to vacate the premises. It's like their watering hole. Yeah, it is like a watering hole. They'd be like, oh, the zebras are back. Yeah, exactly. And today as we were leaving, just like Abby had the baby in the water and this old Vietnamese lady just grabbed her,

grabbed the baby and like hugged her and kissed her in the water. And this old Vietnamese lady just grabbed her. Grabbed the baby and hugged her and kissed her in the water. This is how babies happen. I normally don't like babies, but in the water. Yeah, adorable. I think she said the baby looked prosperous. Rich baby. Yeah, exactly. Tell me your secrets, rich baby.

May I buy a pint of her blood? No. So yeah. Sounds fun. Yeah. Looking forward. Old time. Is it free for babies?

No. I mean, well, the classes cost $50 for a month or whatever. Just take it to the babies. 50 bucks. You think a baby's getting 50 bucks. Just unbelievable. Yeah. Now this is where they get you. You were on easy street all those bucks. Just unbelievable. Yeah.

Now this is where they get you. Yeah. You were on easy street all those years. Now it's all. You've had it too good for too long in that womb. Exactly. Graham, what's going on with you? I. We would talk more, but me make peace soon.

I brought a cup for everyone. I brought a cup for everyone. Last night I was to do the closing set at the comedy mix on their pro-am night. You're a pro, right? You can argue it in court. The closing set gets a check though, right? Yeah, that's right. It has to.

But I kind of forgot I was supposed to do it and then I saw it on twitter and i was like oh yeah i gotta do that tonight and then uh the manager jason uh sends me a text message and he's like uh oh uh ron white do you know ron white he's like uh the blue collar yeah he's like yeah ron white is gonna do do 25 minutes before you tonight. And I was like, what? Why doesn't he just do? Yeah. Am I necessary anymore? Yeah.

But it was because he didn't want to do a set during where they dropped the check for everybody. Oh, okay. And so I was like, brother, because this guy's, he's really funny. Yeah, really funny. He's charming. Yeah. And I thought it was gonna just be and i also in my experience like a lot of times if there's like a famous guy that's dropping by to do a set they literally just come they don't talk to anybody they do a set and then they leave

and uh he was in the green room watching everybody's sets and like giving pointers to people and like he and his wife were there and they were both like really funny and just like fun to be around and like and then he went out uh he didn't get like a big intro like it just uh the host said i think this this new young guy is gonna be a real something someday and he comes out and it took the audience like a full second to realize he's not young. Yeah. And then when he walked out and said, and he's got like a real Southern accent. So people were like,

you know, normal clap. And then, Oh boy. Oh boy. It's a guy. He's on things that we, I don't know if we get these shows.

Yeah. It's on shows where we may not get, but I think we know who he is. I'm going to laugh all my laughs that I would normally give to the headliner now. Yeah. And then I'm going to worry about paying the check through the last guy. But then I go up, it's all, they're handing out checks the whole time I'm up there. And I'm like, well, you know, at least it's the end of the show. At least I'm handed a check the whole time i'm up there and i'm like well you know at least it's the end of the show at least i'm getting a check yeah and then i i walk off and

then uh finesse mitchell is there just he's also there so he comes out and does another set so the two guys managed to not yeah to not have the bills drop during their i was in the middle just quickly get the checks out it's going to be your new motto the bill guy

yeah I'm the bill guy I don't know about this gimmick you guys ever notice when you're calculating a tip you're like

exactly come up with dollar signs on a jacket exactly spit a whale what's 15% of $38? You ever notice the one guy who ordered buffalo wings at the table,

he wants to split the wings with everyone on the check? Yeah, where are my people who ordered a bucket of beers, huh? All right. Anyway, so that was really nice. A famous-y guy comes down and is like a cool a cool yeah it's nice when they're friendly right at least yeah or just wanted to come and do a set and just be like just cool like you know not like ah there's one guy i won't say his name but he came down he wouldn't shake anybody's hand and i was like howie mandel yeah it was howie mandel i know yeah exactly but you know like i don't know it's not hard to be

you know medium nice yeah you just have to be like oh hi yeah it's not like you're asking me how do i make it yeah it's just but and the thing was too is every little piece of advice he gave i was like oh man like that's something i've that this comic would totally needs as advice they were spot on yeah give you advice or was he gone by then uh he was watching finesse mitchell i uh i had to go he was very funny finesse mitchell i just uh yeah i'd been there the whole night right and i i had to pay my check exactly but yeah that's all that's going on with me got to to me ron white but yeah he's super funny and also just like a friendly what are either of Exactly. But yeah, that's all that's gone on with me. Got to meet Ron White. But yeah, he's super funny and also just like a friendly.

What are either of them doing in town? They are shooting a TV show. Together? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Vanessa and Ron. And also, do you remember?

Black and white. Canceled soon. Do you remember a movie called Whale Rider rider yeah there was like a the lead of that like she like won an oscar or something no or she was nominated sure was she also in that nativity movie did she play the virgin mary yeah is that her yeah and she got and she got pregnant yeah as like she's in the show she's method yeah she got yeah she had a virgin. She Jane the Virgin'd it. She had a baby whale. That was weird. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, careful. Those die in captivity. Yeah. Well, we did notice they had chemistry on set. Yeah. Free Willy ate.

Once you go blackfish. Oh, Lordy, you want to move on to us? Overheard? Sure. Hi, I'm Brian Fernandes move on to us? Overheard? Sure. Hi, I'm Brian Fernandes, a.k.a. Sonny D, producer of Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Lindsay Pavlis, producer of Wham Bam Pow. We're the stars of Maximum Fun's first web video series, Brian and Lindsay. We'll totally eat that. Someone throws us a snack, we eat it, and then we rate it on a scale from yummy to crummy.

We've recorded a pilot, and we're raising funding for the series on Kickstarter until February 20th. And if we receive enough backers, we will receive a huge challenge grant from our friends at Hover.com. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Toadseat for more info or find us on Kickstarter. Question for you. Shoot it at me. You gonna eat that? Totally.

Welcome to Oh No! Ross and Keri. Ross. Hi, Keri. What do you think is creep that? Totally. Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi, Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away, and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors.

Ew. Or our show. That's pretty tough, because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientisis where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society.

We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy, weird fringe thing except for thousands more, which we will get to if you listen to our show. I'd still say the swimming pool with my ancestors bones well and i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum fun and the show's called i know ross and carrie overheard overheard the segment in which uh, the people out there, and us in here, in the bubble, under the dome, report.

Is Under the Dome still on? I don't know. Yeah, we report our overheards. We always like to start with the guest. Sean, do you have an overheard? Did you collect a good one? I have a couple, but now that they're so old, I don't remember them. They're a little out of context. But one of I have a couple, but now that they're so old, I don't remember them out of, they're a little

out of context, but one of the ones I remember because I kept quoting it after the fact was a guy was on his phone in the cab in the back. I'll say it, a black guy. He was a black guy. He was cool. I was listening to his conversation and I don't know what he was talking about, but he said,

the guy goes, he goes, it's like, it was a glorious day. The sun is shining and titties be bouncing yeah absolutely it was just one of those things and i'm like yeah yeah it was it was a summertime over here but it was just thinking i'm like they are a bouncing yeah and uh that always stuck in my mind it's just it was such a friendly thing. Yeah. Yeah, and you're like, okay, all right. It was like poetry. I'm not a poet.

No, but maybe it was a poet. I think the original lyrics, and I'm serious about this, to Paradise City by Guns N' Roses were taking down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls have big titties or something like that.

Ah, yeah. That sounds more like... Like their deal. Yeah, kind of their wheelhouse. And you know what Paradise City was? San Fran. Oh, really? Your beloved hometown of San Fran.

I'm going to get that guy. They would sing it in the van driving up. And then they were like, hey, Slash, cut me off a riff. Yeah. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Was it you I was talking about? Probably. We talk every week.

Yeah, absolutely. Let's just say it was. Like, how soon before the guys in Guns N' Roses run out of money and have to do a reunion tour? Because I'm kind of waiting on that, but it seems like they might have really been smart with their money because they haven't reunited yet. But it feels like something that should have happened already. Because that's every reunion tour, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, we're out of money. Because Pink Floyd just put out an album that was like the garbage from the album before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just want the money. And yeah, it's like uh everybody shows up to the the stadium in different limos they are on stage together and then they don't talk to you yeah that's uh but guns and roses still hasn't well they axel uh hold to grudge

that's true and he owns the name oh yeah he sued everyone else out of the name and also uh what's his name Buckethead Buckethead's not even in the band anymore Buckethead was just like a blip on the radar Before Bumblefoot Are we talking Transformers or musicians here I think Bumblefoot Was in Guns N' Roses

Bumblefoot played a guitar Shaped like a foot That was striped like a bee. Good God. It's my thing, guys. That's what I do. Yeah, it's my trademark. Oh, man.

Dave, do you got one? Yeah, I do. This is when I was in Portland, Oregon. Rift City. I was in Macy's using Portland's, I was trying to counteract the weak Canadian dollar with Oregon's lack of sales tax. All right. So I went into Macy's and I bought some underwear. Okay.

All right. And I also needed new pajamas. They only had Christmas time pajamas. I don't know. I don't need flannels. No, that's true. Too warm. Too warm.

What do you get? Like a cotton? A cotton blend? No, just a cotton. Oh, yeah. I am all natural fibers. You know that about me. That's true.

Feel this. Yeah. Feel my sleeve. Yeah. A tweed. A tweed pajama. Yeah. You should do a pajama show

Oh absolutely What's a pajama show? Like just where we're on stage In pajamas? No A podcast where you're all In your pajamas Oh yeah

Oh like a slumber party Yeah like a breakfast Podcast Oh like we just got up Maybe like pancakes Yeah Maybe relax Don't talk to me yet

Yeah yeah There's a lot of groaning Yeah Does that guy have to be Hammering so loud? I don't like being around Maybe I'll relax. Don't talk to me yet. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of groaning. It's like I have to be hammering so loud. I don't like being around people in the morning. No. Unless it's like you're dressed. But like if it's ever like, hey, come stay at our cabin.

Or, hey, you can sleep on my couch while you're in town. It's like, no, can I? Where's the closest hotel? The one thing that I. I don't know. I don't know. I don't mind being spoken to in the morning. Like, but like some people are like. Yeah.

Exactly. And murdery still. My grandparents, they, I feel like they had a full outfit that they would wear just for breakfast. Like maybe not when company wasn't there, but they'd have like pajamas and then you would have a house coat. It was like a morning coat. Yeah. My wife does that. Really?

I think that's the height of class. I get up and change. It's like a TV character. Like, oh, we're doing a scene at the breakfast table. Put him in his robe. Yeah. But it was a separate, like it wasn't his nighttime robe. It was a special morning time robe. Yeah, I only have the towel, terrycloth, you know, big, thick, heavy robe.

Right. Which I wear when I'm sick once a year. Yeah, sick. It's like the uniform of the unemployed, the robe. Yeah, I wear it around the house all the little ones. Wear it out of the house if it was socially acceptable. But I wear it with pajamas. I'm not one of these guys where you'll see bare legs under the robe and you'll wonder,

what's he got going on there? How much nude are we talking about here? How gross is this gentleman? Well, pajamas though, if there's like a fire, at least you're outside looking good. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm naked. You're in an outfit. That's why I leave stuff in my car.

I have two pairs of pajamas that have matching bottoms and tops. Yeah. And I can't, I never wear them together. No? Like, it's just the top, the buttons, it's too much. And like, it's uncomfortable. Yeah. Like, it doesn't stretch like a t-shirt does.

Yeah. I don't know. I want to be that guy. You'll be that guy someday. Don't worry, Dave, you keep trying. You'll get there. Maybe when my skin gets stretchier. You know what?

You need some silks. That's what you need. Yeah, some silk pajamas. Like a jockey wears? Yeah. Or make a top out of a blanket. Yeah. It just feels like a natural.

Oh, sure. Yeah. When I was in Portland, this isn't my own word, but there was a company called Polar-o-l-e-r and they're they're like a hip camping supply place okay and their big thing is a um it's like a snuggie but it's a uh sleeping bag oh yeah sleeping bag with sleeves and a hood and you can walk around in it didn't i feel like maybe snuffy where they i feel like maybe lena dunham wore one on girls yeah feels like it feels like a hip camping thing

when you get a product placement on girls you can't afford hip camping gear it just seems pricey right there yeah yeah yeah you can plug your ipod into the sleeping bag cool this waffles heated by solar panels how cool um so here's my overt it's from macy's when i was uh basically i was on the second floor of macy's and uh i finished buying my thing and abby when we got into Macy's, we were like, okay, should we meet up here in like 15 minutes and leave? And Abby was like, maybe half an hour. And so I'm done immediately. And so I go to every other floor looking for her. That's not easy at Macy's.

And she was done before I was because there was nothing there. Sure. What is in Macy's? Oh, it's a department store. Department store. Okay. Pretty good. I'm not going to lie.

I like a Macy's. It's no Nordstrom. No, I can't afford Nordstrom. Is Nordstrom one, it's one up from Macy's? Yeah. I thought Macy's was very fancy. Am I thinking of something else? Nordstrom's is fancy.

Nordstrom is a bit fancier. It's not like Neiman Marcus. No, that's ridiculous. Or Barney's. Yeah, those I just know from Friends because Jennifer Aniston's character used to show up there. We're from Canada.

We have Eaton's. Yeah, we have, oh, not even anymore. Not anymore. But yeah, so, and then, but yeah, what's the, Macy's is like, it's like the bay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

There you go. Yeah. It's everywhere. Uh, and it's fine. Sure. Uh, so I, uh, was, uh, going through the different floors looking for Abby and we don't have, like, we didn't turn our roaming on our phone, so we couldn't call each other to say i'm done um and uh so i was on one of the women's floors and there were these two women uh in their like 40s and one of the women held up uh like this frilly shirt and said they're wearing this on days

of our lives want to try it on and her friend just goes no no it'll be fun we'll reenact our favorite yeah you can be victor and i'll be roman young and the restless clothing oh man i don't uh i don't keep up with the soaps like i used to well they're not there's only like three left i used to watch days of our lives pretty religiously when i was in high school who is that bow and hope yeah and uh the lady who's now on the biggest loser she was uh oh yeah sammy yeah sammy good good recall she's the host she's the host of the biggest loser she used to be i maybe she still is on days of our lives she was like a long-standing she was like crazy at one point she was in an asylum she escaped you know i just remember that right there yeah roman from that show

was the dad on the hogan family he was victor was the guy with the mustache yeah it was evil he's pure evil it's because of that mustache um uh my overheardard comes from being on the bus. But where was I? Oh, this was in Toronto. I was still in Toronto. So I was on a streetcar, not a bus. Streetcar. Oh, wow.

Something about the streetcar is one notch classier than a bus. I don't know why, but it is. It's a streetcar. Is it on rails? Yeah. Or cables? Or both?

Both. Yeah, it's on rails. I think it's classic. It's got a little more old fashion-y. And the ones in San Francisco, what are those? Those are street cars. Are they on both? Yeah. No, maybe not. They're just

on rails. Yeah, they're just on rails and they've got the trams and all sorts of stuff. What ever happened to predictability? And this was, uh, two, uh, people that obviously had been out in the woods and had just come back into the city. In Toronto? Yeah. So I don't know where you go, where the woods are, but, uh, you know, the way they looked and smelled, uh, and, uh, the one guy was asking the other girl, uh,

when was the last time you showered? And she said, uh, four days ago. And he goes, oh, that's probably why you feel so bad. Yeah.

Yeah. What's your days a lot. What's your shower schedule? Um, I'm pretty much on the daily unless I'm like, if I know I'm just working at home and I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to shower just for my, just for water

sake. But otherwise, if I got to go out, it's a daily activity. I think in my, since I was like 12, I've maybe missed four days of showering. Wow. Apparently, somebody told me this and i i don't know if it's true but uh showering every day apparently is a white person thing oh

there was yeah there was a a uh it was the girl from glee was on the view uh she's oh yeah maybe that's what it was yeah and she was talking about how that was like showering every day that's a thing that that white people do and it's not i wow i was like i just assumed it was something everybody with a shower abby does abby my wife stop it uh she doesn't shower oh uh you, as often as I do, maybe three times a week. Do you hear the floor stomp above us? Yeah, exactly. I'm like, am I okay to talk about this? And I've never been like, she smells great all the time.

So I've never like, in our 15 years. But guys smell bad half an hour after they've just showered. Yeah. They automatically start to stink. You know, though, when you should shower shower there's a distinct yes but like there's a there's a film yeah my hair gets like i've just poured a bacon grease in it yeah something's wrong i've lived in a dorm and i'm like it's you you you were the same you're the same gross individual you were before. Now you're just wet. But like in circumstances where taking a shower has been like a difficult thing to do, then it gets downgraded to like a couple of days every three days.

So what are these situations? Like I spent a couple of weeks in a hostel. Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, couple of weeks in a hostel. Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, you got to fight. Exactly. And you got to like, you got to like go downstairs. Like it's a whole trip to have a shower and you got to bring everything with you.

Or if it's cold. Yeah. Cold shower is no good. Nobody wants to be like when it's freezing after. Or if you have to go, like if you're out at kind of a campground. Yeah. You have to go to the shower. Yeah.

Then it becomes like only, then you only shower when you start to hurt where you're like uh things are starting to stick together exactly yeah why am i yeah yeah not even say that i've had things where i pet my cat and it ferociously licks where i pet it to where i'm like well that's not good yeah it's uh it's immediately cleaning itself. Oh, yeah. I fell asleep on a lollipop. Yeah. I'm like, you're a cat. You're not any better.

I use shampoo. I yell at it. I use a dry shampoo. Do you know what that is? I don't. Exactly. Yeah. It's a thing that exists.

But yeah, that's the other thing too, is that a lot of girls I know, they'll take a shower, but they won't wash their hair. Yeah. They're like- Because they don't want to dry it. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. Like, I'm like, I'm here anyways.

Might as well. Like, what else am I washing, really? Well, that's exactly- The hair's the main thing. You wash your armpits and your butt. Yeah. Yeah. But that only takes so long.

And then you've got to finish that song Under the sea Or whatever song you're singing Oh I have a shower radio And I tune it to Disney Channel It only plays under the sea You know what I realized singing in the shower I don't know a full song Like I don't know the lyrics

To a full song that I can recall Oh I do yeah you do i can but without singing along to it sure just yeah give me a song and i'll sing the entire thing all right we're not doing this i don't know something from the eurythmics yeah like could you swing saying all the sweet dreams yeah sweet dreams are made of these yeah although it's this, but they rhyme or disagree. Yeah.

Travel the world is the self of seven seas. Everybody's looking for something. Someone will want to use you. Someone will want to get used by you.

Someone will want to abuse you. That song is very simple because I don't think it has a second verse. No, I think you're right. Someone will want to be abused.

Yeah. I can't remember lyrics. No, like I can remember the chorus and then kind of a couple lyrics and then I just repeat the chorus. Yeah. The only time I ever, like I can remember the chorus and then kind of a couple lyrics and then I just repeat the chorus. Yeah.

The only time I ever, like, I'm not a lyricist. I've never been a lead singer. The only time I was a lead singer was when I drove those weird kids. I drove these kids. They were all higher function. There was something a little weird with all of them. And they'd get in the cab. Higher function is a great way of describing.

It is, but they were. It's very like, it's a compliment. Oh, there's something wrong with these kids. They're higher function. But they were higher function. And in this weird way, you get to know them. But one guy would always get in and actually why I brought up the Eurythmics is he would

give me the best of Eurythmics and he'd play it and they would all do their things to the song. Like I had this one guy named, his name was Michael and he just beeped and booped. He's like beep, booped. He's like, beep, boop. He's like a robot, right? And then there's Jose who just kind of would go over

the certain words and be like, sweet dreams. We just say sweet dreams, sweet dreams. And then the other guy mumbled like froggy from our gang

and it was the only time I actually became the lead singer because. You're like, everybody now. Like I was by far the best. We are high function

yeah I'm like here comes the rain again and then you hear people be people like take it away Michael that but that's the only time I was ever a song guy I just I just don't know the lyrics we had a shower radio that Abby bought it at Old navy of all places and it was the greatest that got such great reception yeah uh but just like the knob on it like no digital display or anything and then it broke like it got dropped in the shower at one point pubes it got clogged with pubes and uh i've just i had been searching for a replacement shower radio and she paid five dollars for this thing and i uh i went to radio shack and got one for ten dollars and it was okay but it was just a lot of static yeah and then we went through like two or three different

ones and maybe never sold a shower radio again no so you go there and they're like, shower radio, why? We haven't sold one of those in 50 years. You're looking at plaid shirts. Do you have any radios? No. I bought one on Amazon and it's the greatest.

It's got a digital display. It's like, uses like D batteries. It's thick. Oh yeah. And it's a brand I've never heard of before or after.

Sangian. That's the battery name? No, the, the, the product. The product. Sangian.

Sangian. S-A-N-G-E-A-N. I, uh, a bond villains, uh, company. I,

yeah, I've never had a, it's the greatest. It does. It sounds great. I shower for hours. It probably, yeah, I would probably shower longer if there was music in there, it's the greatest. It does. It sounds great. I shower for hours. It probably, yeah. I would probably shower longer if there was music in there, but there's nothing.

So. But I could take my phone into the shower with me. I don't think I'd ever leave. Well, you can. You just bring an umbrella. That's what I would do. Or a Ziploc bag. Ziploc bag.

I'd drop it though. I know I'd drop it. We also have overheard sent into us from people around the world. If you want to send one into us, you can send it into SPY at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from Brendan K. Parts unknown. Nope. Toronto.

I work in an office in Toronto with thin walls. I think next door is an audio editing company, but not sure. Anyways, we hear them on the regular, which usually means we hear them watching Canucks games or Pirates of the Caribbean. However, one day we heard the employees

having a conversation where one said something about knowing French, and this got the response, the only French word you know is buffet. Ouch. That's like a sitcom burn.

Take that, fat character. Yeah, thanks, stewman. The only French word you know is a la mode. Do you have any final requests? Buffet a la mode. They only

hear Canuck games? Yeah But in Toronto Canuck games start at 10pm What a weird office Yeah he doesn't have a job Oh they could have the time shift channels Right? Time shift channels?

Yeah like if you get like satellite you can get Yeah but the games still start They're still live Oh that's right yeah they're live Can't time shift Can't time shift a live thing Not yet Yeah but the games still start They're still live Oh that's right Yeah they're live Yeah Yeah like we Can't time shift No

Can't time shift a live thing Not yet Not yet They're trying We'll wait Did you guys watch the Super Bowl I watched the halftime show Yeah

Yeah Who didn't Did you see the The costume she was wearing In the beginning It was like Bam Bam Bigelow Up the top

I was like Who made that It's hideous It was flames It was flames Yeah it. It was like Bam Bam Bigelow up the top. I was like, well, who made that? It's hideous. It was flames? Yeah, it was flames. It was exactly like Bam Bam Bigelow. And it was a little oversized,

like I think it actually is. And he was in the shark. That was Bam Bam Bigelow. Oh, yeah. He's a very... Isn't he dead? Is he? Bam Bam Bigelow?

No. Oh, maybe. Is Bam Bam Bigelow dead? Yeah, I think he's dead. Yeah. Looking. Okay, I found this on the web for his bamboo and Bigelow dead.

Bamboo Bigelow? Bamboo. Bamboo. Bamboo and Bigelow. We've got another one from Kyle B. here in Vancouver. I recently attended the Campbell Bay Music Festival. He died in 2007.

Rest in peace. Campbell Bay Music Festival on Main Island. One of the various Gulf Islands, which are beloved by many hippie and other such free spirited individuals. We talked about it. I did a show there. The local hippie.

Did you really? And they abandoned. On Main Island? Yeah. And I got drunk and I got abandoned at the bar and I had to walk five miles to my hotel at the other end of the island. I got there at 6am because my back was sore.

I literally. Through the dark? Through the, yeah, I was crawling. I would have stolen any, by anything. It was the longest walk of my life. On that show in Gibson's where we all had to walk. Yes, forever. And it was longer than that.

At two in the morning, because the guy that booked the show, no one liked. And I didn't know that because everyone kept passing us off. It'd be like, no, this guy will give you a ride. This guy will give you a ride. But I didn't realize they all hated that guy. So then the night. You were in like the town pariah. Well, a girl says she'll give us a ride.

We're just going to stop for a drink first at this guy's house, which was one door down. And then her and her boyfriend got in a fight. We just heard the car drive off. And I'm like, we have to walk. Oh, God. One end to the other. Oh, God. Great island.

Yeah. So this is on the ferry ride over to the island. I overheard a woman answer her cell phone. And the beginning of her conversation was as follows. Oh, hi, Lars. How are you? Well, thanks for missing our wedding this morning. That's okay.

We found a guy in the park doing yoga to be our witness. It all worked out. At the beginning, I thought Lars was the guy She was marrying Thanks for missing our wedding So I married this yoga guy Yeah I had to mash cake into my own face I hope he's alright Did you do that at your wedding?

Did you mash cake into each other's faces? No it was too delicious No crumb wasted A cake was really good We did the at our wedding I think we fed each other a piece or like just a fork full, but you know, let's not

Let's not smash. Yeah. No, what's the fun in that? There's no point in smashing the cake. I don't know. If it was crummy cake, yeah, smash away. Or a crummy face. Yeah, a crummy face. I spent all day doing my kabuki makeup. Yeah, exactly. That's right. Yours was kiss thee.

And also the cake was $800. So there'd be no mashing of the cake. Yeah. Nobody mashes nothing. You know what I did at my wedding, which is a good one for everyone, is I refused to have anyone do the. Yeah. Right.

I told them that I won't do it. And if they want me to kiss my bride, you can come over and put some money in this here pocket. Ah, nice. And I made $38 that night. Pretty good. Yeah. I'll kiss for money, but I'm not doing it on

the whim of boredom. The only thing, our only rule was like, hey, no speeches by anyone. Like no, no improper speeches. Yeah. Oh yeah. I had Carter do my MC and then he's like, oh, let's get a couple of roasty jokes.

And then I'm like, yeah, all your jokes are gone. No roasty jokes. So I took everything. But the minute he's like, oh, let's get a couple of roasty jokes. And then I'm like, yeah, all your jokes are gone. No roasty jokes. So I took everything. But the minute he got off, I went and made fun of him for looking like a lion tamer. Oh, he's got the lion tamer. Yeah.

He's a top hat away from taming a lion. I saw him, we did a, um, we, I, I talked on the show about, uh, snorting chocolate. Yeah. On the podcast. He did the thing. Yeah. And then there were like, within a couple of weeks, there were like internet stories and

newspaper stories and TV news stories about snorting chocolate at this one place on commercial drive. And Carter Horty, the comedian, was in one of the stories. Yeah. Yeah. That is crazy. Have you done that? No.

The chocolate snorting thing? I've accidentally done it, but not. Sure. I mean mean we've all We've all been bored Where I'm like I can see the periphery Of a piece of chocolate On my lip

We've all gotten A little too excited Making Nestle I can't reach this Exactly Yeah exactly Just Efficiency

No I've never I haven't been Have you been to that place It sounds expensive already I can't afford it But you like I do like sweets Black licorice.

Yeah. That's what they sell there. Like the authentic. Oh, authentic. Yeah. I've done the $2 chocolate snorting, which. Just the lime? Yeah.

Which I believe, like I said it before, like you could charge $10. Like it's such a unique experience. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does it taste good? No. No.

It's just a weird experience. It's just a weird thing to say you did, but like $2 seems like wasting everybody's time. But I bought these sprinkles that you just put on toast, chocolate sprinkles

you put on toast. So you can do that like if you're at a party and everyone's doing Coke and you want to kind of hang out. Get in. Yeah, yeah.

I brought my own supply. Yeah. Oh, you're not supposed to get high on your own supply. No. Well, it's chocolate, so don't worry about it. No one's getting high. It's just weird.

Yeah, that's exactly it. This last one comes from. I'm not saying, I feel like when I said it, I was the reason that there were all these news stories. Yeah, that's what, that was the implication. I jumpstarted that trend. I mean, yes. You didn't not. did i did not yeah i'm not taking all the credit for it but yeah no credit where credit's due no one heard of it before me you should take it the next level like shoot it up yeah yeah please mainline exactly

melted in a spoon melted in a spoon because let's do that with caramel okay just make sure it's not just making sure it's not the kind of chocolate that turns into a shell. On my veins. Like a dip cone. Yeah, put an arrow bar in there and die. This last one comes from Patrick in St. Louis. I overheard this at a restaurant From the people sitting in the next booth A woman talking to a man

We've been married for 14 years And I love that the trash gets taken out every week But that's about it Ouch Scenes from a marriage I have actually a good overheard This is my wife's Told me this one

I wrote it down It says Think about it Linda You can't just guess over her. This is my, my wife's told me this one. I wrote it down. It says, said. Think about it, Linda. You can't just guess. That's why you always fail. Oh my God. That's harsh.

Linda. Yeah. Time to look at your life. That sounds like a flashback to like high school math test. Yeah. I don't know. Let's say 14.

No, dude, that's the right answer. But I want you to show your work. I guessed a lot in high school. Yeah. I did tests where I'm like, I didn't know. Let's say 14. No, dude, that's the right answer. But I want you to show your work. I guessed a lot in high school. Yeah. I did tests where I'm like, I didn't even know the nothing. Yeah. Like I know nothing. I still get 38%.

That's pretty good. I'm for guessing. Yeah. Do you ever get one of those questions on a test that like answers one of the earlier questions on the test and you're like, oh, sweet. Oh, yeah. Remember sometimes you would get a test where

the teacher would say, read all of the instructions and then the last line... And you'd just make a back off motion? Well, the last line says, don't do the test. Did you ever get that? No. So there was a huge thing of instructions on the front page and the whole point was to get you to read instructions.

And they were like, it's a pop quiz. And you would read the instructions. And the last sentence would say, just don't do the test. And you get 100%. And people would just skip over it. And so I just assumed every other test was a trick. It's preparing you for life. People are constantly Trying to trick you

Oh yeah This is how teachers Remember they Hand them back Where they'd hand You'd get the test Everyone's in the The lines

And they'd hand it back And you're all like Oh I think I passed this one And then it was like The worst mark ever Yeah But everyone would look at you Like you're a loser

Because they'd pass it behind Oh yeah Passing the test back Yeah Oh Proudlove stunk it up On this one Look at that ever. Yeah. But everyone would look at you like you're a loser. They'd pass it behind. Oh, yeah. Passing the test back. Oh, I'd love to stunk it up on this one. Look at that. I feel better about my chances already. I remember when one of the first tests we ever took on those Scantron sheets, and they did the scan.

They didn't say whose it was, but they did the scans in front of the whole class. They put them through the machine, and it make like a little sound for every wrong answer and so some kids tests went through and it was just like i remember just laugh every time the whole class would just lose their mind laughing. I was like, well, that guy failed. Oh, that's so sad. And he's now the Prime Minister of Canada. In addition to overhears that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Sean's writing the phone number down. I got nothing but time. Here they are. Hi, writing the phone number down. I got nothing but time. Here they are. Hi, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Rachel calling from Eugene with a great overheard from the grocery store where I work today. Our security team busted a shoplifter and brought her back to the security room to process. And apparently the two guys that she was shopping with, she was the right.

She had the car keys. So the guys came up to my manager to try to see if they could get the keys. And through the course of their conversation of sort of apologizing and sweet talking, this real hippie-looking guy was saying that he was really sorry this happened and he thought that that kind of behavior was really disrespectful and that he really didn't support what this girl that he was with had done. And then he said, obviously there are reasons this is happening. The planetary alignments are really screwed right now.

I see you're some sort of scientist. It's true. I only steal when the moon's out of line with other things. It seems reasonable. I mean, everything happens for a reason. Nobody can... When the moon is house invading the seventh house. The moon is house?

Yeah. That was like an excuse 300 years ago. You would blame the stars and things like that. Yeah, I don't know. The stars are out of alignment. All right. Yeah, I burnt your village down, but it was a crazy night.

That's why I didn't bring home any furs or whatever. Mars was being weird. They deserve to be caught anyways. You send in the ride to be part of their scam? No, yeah. They sit in the car running, right? Yeah, if we've learned anything from the movie Drive, the driver is just there for driving.

Don't bring him into the... Oh, he was stealing toothpicks. He's stealing satin jackets. I always assume in the cab that people are going to steal stuff. I'm like, this guy's got... I'm not the getaway car. Yeah. Just to see him.

But whenever you see people, yeah. Like, hey, I'm going to run into this drugstore and come up with a bunch of amphetamines. Yeah. And they're going to pay me with some of these amphetamines. I'm like, get me something expensive. Special amphetamines? Yeah, exactly. I mean, they steal the stuff to make them.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Drenabil. Ducifed. Ducifed. What do they use To make it? Like Sudafed

Sudafed? Okay Yeah but you have to buy Ducifed You have to buy them From like 20 different Pharmacies

Yeah I did that for a buddy And I didn't know What I was doing The guy at Costco Goes you know This is a bit of a red flag I'm like oh is that

Really? Have you ever Eight of these is too much? Whenever I I can't buy them there anymore I can't Oh, is that? Really? Have you ever? Eight of these is too much? Whenever I. I can't buy them there anymore. I can't. If I've ever tried to buy, what do they call it?

The stuff that kills weeds? Oh, yeah. WeedX. Yeah, whatever. WeedX. WeedX, yeah. That's not a thing. But they give you a little spiel. They take your name and your phone number,

and then they tell you how to dispose of everything and how not to use it, and they have to redo the riot act. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Instagram a picture of your weedless garden so we know you used it right. Hashtag WeedX. I'm sure WeedX is a brand of weed something definitely not a

brand of weed encourager no weed uh ex or weed x uh we let it x i think yeah in red yeah yeah definitely there's a red x okay here's your next phone call for real hi dave graham possible guest uh this is eric from rochester new york calling in with an overheard uh a few years ago i was at a college party and you know that thing where the music gets quiet for a second and everyone stops talking and it's really awkward and coincidental well that happened and uh everyone stopped talking except for one girl who was sitting on the couch on the phone, and everyone could just hear her shout, No, John, you're not breaking up. I can tell you're making that noise with your mouth. So he's on the other end doing the like... Right.

Classic. At least they have the balls it's another sitcom thing i just got married that's what i did yeah yeah yeah we'll put this to rest one way or the other uh weed x is a thing oh but it's for shipping your weeds oh yeah yeah we'd are all green brown paper bag oh yeah and their logo has a cool hidden arrow in it oh somebody told me that uh like a major pot distribution company has like paid a bunch of money to Bob Marley's family to use like the name. Oh. Marley. Not just for coconut oil.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Like actually like a brand, a brand of weed is going to be Marley brand. Did you hear that Vancouver now has more pot dispensaries than Tim Hortons is? No way. Really? It seems like they should be.

Tim Hortons? Wow. They should be neck and neck, right? Because they should. The munchies. Yeah, right. 24-year-olds. Exactly.

Sandwiches made of weed. I hate them both. Yeah, Tim Hortons. I hate both cultures. Tim Hortons is awful. It's the worst. Here's your final overheard of 2015. Oh, no.

Hello, Graham, Dave, and possible guests. This is Nolan from North Carolina it's the worst here's your final overheard of 2015 oh no hello Graham Dave Impossible Guest this is Nolan from North Carolina calling in with an overheard I was just having dinner and at a table nearby there was a lady who was explaining

how whirlpools work to her four year old son and when she was done he explained to her mom whirlpools might look fun on TV, but in real life they are not.

They do look fun on TV. What is it? I don't even know what it is. Yeah. I don't know how they work. No, me neither. They're like water tornadoes. Yeah.

You know, like, like a toilet flush. Yeah, basically. Yeah. But you get sucked under. Yeah. Somebody pulls a plug on the bottom of the ocean and then there's a giant whirlpool. I don't know how anything works. Like, I don't know why this guy's blue.

I don't know how clouds work. Nothing. Honestly, when the Insane Clown Posse did that, like, how do magnets work? I was like, good question. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Like, eventually, you're going to have to answer those questions from... Yeah, throw some at me. I don't know. Like, eventually you're going to have to answer those questions from. Yeah.

Give me, throw some at me. Some, dad, why does, you know, why is it hot in some countries and cold in other countries? It has to do with money. Yeah. The poor countries don't have enough money to turn on air conditioning. But that's what Google's for. Yeah, that's true. You go look it up yourself.

You go talk to Google. Yeah, and then come back and tell me. It's true. It's a learning experience. You tell me. Yeah, now there doesn't, you don't need to know anything. That's kind of relaxing. Good, yeah.

Well, Google's just eventually going to interrupt. While you're talking? Yeah, while you're saying it, you're like, actually, that's not correct. Did you mean? Yeah, exactly. I think you, they'll be like, actually, that's not correct. Did you mean? Yeah, exactly. I think you meant this, you moron. It's the secondary speech. Or it'll be another voice

that they hear coming out. Yeah. They'll be like, flippity-floppity, and they'll be like, get the information they need. Flippity-floppity. Yeah.

Was a 1920s musical comedy that they sold the rights to pay proof for. Now, that brings us to the end of this year episode. Do you have any dates, anything you want to plug? This will come out next Monday.

Next Monday. Oh, so let's think the future. I'm in Edmonton. At the Yuck Yucks? At the Yuck Yucks. Okay. In the middle of nowhere. Bumpkiss.

Near the Coliseum, I believe. Oh, nice. And then I'm going to Toronto. I'll be in Toronto for a week and London. London, Ontario. We've got listeners out in London. Yeah, yeah. I think they make bubble gum there or something. They got a laser tag place right downtown.

Oh, wow. That's cool. London, Ontario. Yeah, lasers of London. Lasers of London. Get the London look. Exactly. But don't shoot it in your eyes.

That is. Yeah, that's about it. Nothing special. No need to come to the show, so. Good luck. But I'll be there. I'll be there regardless. I'm rusty.

Yeah, I mean, it might be all right. I just can't tell you which show. There'll be a good one on each week. I just don't know which one it'll be, so. But you're doing Toronto and London. Yeah. And other places or just Toronto and London? That's it.

I can only tour for about three weeks now and that's it. Before you get like, this is awful. It's my maximum. I can only eat out and just do that stuff for three weeks. Yeah. It's about my fill before I just can't stand it any longer. When you want to use your own soap. Yeah.

My soap and I just. Some home soap. Yeah. It just, it takes its toll. Yeah. And that's why you're desperately got to get home. Uh, I was just on my honeymoon. I mean, it was, is, you know, you're eating.

Oh, you just do whatever you want. Two weeks. Petaphy. Yeah. And then I'm done. Two weeks and I'm done. I'm like, I can't do this. Because you don't even want, you get spoiled.

You're like, what do you want to eat? I'm like, I've eaten it all. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing I want. I just want to eat my own soap. Yeah. I want my home soap. Yeah, you want your home soap.

Yeah. The radio from From your shower Old Navy Exactly I want all the things That are normal And then a week later

You're like This is awful Yeah you're like I gotta get out of here I need a vacation From this place You need a vacation So

Yeah But it's just Yeah I can only travel for so long Before it just takes us to Well it's worth Seeing you live Because you're

A very funny Stand-up comedian I've got some stuff. You're a great John Brown lover. If I remember it. Yeah. I do. Now my act is mostly an impression that other

people do of me. It's just, yeah, it's folded in. It's more harness than my actual act. And if you like the podcast. One thing we've never plugged that we should have while you were in Toronto, you appeared on a podcast. Oh yeah, I appeared on several actually. What? Yeah.

It was on Chris Locks. That's the one I heard. There's a funny guy. Yeah, very funny guy. It's called Utopia to Me. And then I was on one that you and I have been on previously called Comedy Above the Pub. Oh. With Todd Van Allen. Yes. Todd Van Allen, yeah yes and then i was also on one but i

don't know if it's been released yet it was like uh it was about writing but i don't think that's come out yet i haven't seen any links to it but when it comes out i'll plug it but yeah good good uh good memory good recall good looking out um If you want to head over to MaximumFun.org, you can check out all the other podcasts. Also, they're doing like a Kickstarter for their first video venture. Yeah. We might have put an ad in the show for that. Oh, okay. I don't know.

We did the last couple of weeks. It's an interesting, they make a suggested food and then they eat it. And then they eat it. And then they talk about it. That sounds pretty good. I mean, it sounds good if the food is gross. Yeah. Basically, I just want to see people eat gross food.

Yeah. You should try this bulgogi waffle sandwich. Exactly. Throw that, the number one in there. I didn't even have to kickstart for that. I paid for it. You check out the blog recap Of this episode

Pictures and videos Relating to the content Of this episode What are we talking about? The Eurythmics Oh sure Gotta give a plug out to them I can name one member

Of the Eurythmics Roxanne? Is that her name? Tall girl Yeah There's the little guy That plays Roxanne

Oh Annie Lennox Annie Lennox What do I think of guy that plays. Roxanne. Oh, Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox. What do I think of? Oh, Roxanne. Roxanne. Yeah, they were Sweden's answer to the Eurythmics. What was their song? Oh, they had a bunch.

She's Got the Look. Oh, yeah. What was it? Joyride. Joyride. Joyride. That's the one I was thinking of. Oh, they were great.

One of my first cassettes. Roxanne. Well, why do I get those I was thinking of. Oh, they were great. One of my first cassettes. Roxette. Well, why do I get those confused? Because it was a guy and a girl. Yeah, and Bleach Blonde Lady in both bands. And Elenox. God rest her soul. What was the guy's name?

She died with Bam Bam Big. Per Gelsa or something. Gessla. That's the guitar player from Roxette. That's a type of car. The Gessla. Also, Dave. Dave Stewart's the guitar player from the Earth. I can type of car the Gessler also Dave Dave Stewart's the guitar player from the Eurodisc

I can name all the members guys I was playing dumb exactly pretty good and yeah if you like the show please tell your friends and come on back next week

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