Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 364 - Todd Glass

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

Comedian Todd Glass joins us to talk duvets, pancakes, duvets, the bus, and duvets.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 364 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's happy it's Ash Wednesday. Yeah, real happy. You said we should put ash on our foreheads.

Yeah, no, I saw people all day today with ash on their face. Really? On their forehead, yeah. Have you not seen it before? No. It's a christian thing i had to google ash ash forehead and then yeah like i saw that it was a thing but i've never i've never seen it before oh it's great it's oh no if you suddenly it hits you on a wednesday in in uh february yeah oh Oh, look at you. Wasn't it pancake day yesterday? Uh-huh.

Oh, man. Did I say your name? It's Dave Shumka. I guess so. We're pre-taping this, so people listening to it in two or three weeks will be like, ah. Yeah, put your ash down. I really, I should have started Lent or whatever. I should have given up chocolate.

And our guest today, a hilarious comedian. I've never eaten as many pancakes as I want. I thought about it. Really? What? French fries. Yeah, I've had enough. No, I've had an order and a half.

You eat yours. Someone else doesn't want them. And you get enough. Pancakes. I want 10 of them. You do? You're on your own. Oh, my goodness.

That's crazy. No, no. What I mean is, I think you might not know what I mean. What do you? I know. I can't get enough of them. Yeah, I know. But I'm full after two. Oh, okay. Yeah,'s crazy No no what I mean is I think you might not know What I mean What do you I know I can't get enough of them Yeah I know But I'm full after two Oh okay yeah

No that's what I mean Yeah cause That's so good The buttery The syrup Everything about them Is shut the fuck up And then

One and a half later I Yeah I get filled after two But And then I'm good Like I look at the plate And I feel like Oh well

This is going to waste Yeah Like I feel like I'm creating a I like, I look at the plate and I feel like, oh, well, this is going to waste. Yeah. Like, I feel like I'm creating a lot of garbage every time I order pancakes. Yeah. And they don't, they don't take home well. No. No. I mean, maybe there's a way.

There's a place in Vancouver that, uh, right up the street that gives you way too much and then gives you your leftover pancakes in a pizza box. Cause they're, the pancakes are the size of like a small pizza. I like it. But you, well, I'll take it. Yeah.

Take anything. The oversize. Your name is Todd Glass. Todd Glass, everybody. You love pancakes. I do like there, there,

you know, I used to lie and say, I don't know why I did it, but at least I'm admitting it. There was a place I heard in, in, um, Appleton,

Wisconsin, where the pancakes were the size of like a trash can lid. Okay. And they made them on a big thing, and I don't know how they served them. I just heard that. Yeah, and I believed it. And then I don't know why I did this. I don't do it anymore, I promise, but I made up a lie that I went there.

Because I don't know, I was out one night, and people were talking, and everyone had a story story and I was like, not that I need to make up stories, I think I've been doing comedy for a while, but then someone asked me how they flip them. Guess what I said. I'm being honest. I go, well, picture like a snow shovel, but they cut the handle like only to a foot long.

And then they get the edges. Because that seemed like how they would do it to me. Sure. They need two guys. Then they ask me, did you eat a whole one? And I go, oh, Jesus, I can't get out of this lie now. I go, well, you don't really eat a whole one. You're more like they make a big one, but it's like a whole table.

They put it in the middle. But I don't fucking know what they do there. It's a big lie. Did you feel like while you were telling the story, you were kind of a big man on campus? i like this feels good i don't know it just felt like a good story to tell it was in denver and it was snowing and everyone was hanging out i thought it was the proper time to make up my banking story oh well you know up in wisconsin they've got you gotta go i've i've, they've got, you gotta go. I've been. They've got these manhole covers. Oh, good.

Ooh. They use a manhole cover to warm them. They have a flame underneath. And then when they flip them, it looks like a waffle

because it's got that manhole cover. Yeah, two guys with toboggans come out from either side. Hey, did Andy Kindler say anything about me? No.

Wow. He said he was gonna. Yeah. Was he fun? He was super fun. I'm gonna be so, look at me. There's that. Hey, did Andy Kindler say anything about me? No. Wow. He said he was gonna. Yeah. Was he fun? He was super fun. Look at me. Ah, more fun than him. Woo!

Look at me. Andy Kindler. I was like, hmm. I was like, hmm. And I was like, hmm. Go listen to the Andy Kindler episode. What's the matter? Hmm.

I do James Adomi and doing Andy Kindler. What's the matter? Maybe I could do James Adomi in doing Andy Kinley. What's the matter? Maybe I could do another. Hmm? Uh-huh. Oh, I'm not doing a good job. That's pretty good.

I'm not doing a good job. I'm going to let you guys lead. All right. All right. Do you guys want to get to know us? Then we play a jingle. You do? We do.

I like jingle. We don't do it live, unless you want us to. I like jingle. You'll get a buzz. There'll be even more buzz. Forget it. Let me hear the buzz. There'll be even more buzz. Forget it. Let me hear the jam. I'll make pretend.

Get to know us. Oh, I like it. Play that afterwards. Oh, you just did. So what's new? What's new and exciting? You're here in Vancouver for the festival. On the way here, I did have a, just sort of, but it felt good thought.

I start a comedy. I was 16 years old. Then you go down to an open mic night. Vancouver for the festival. On the way here, I did have a, just sort of, but it felt good thought. Like I go, you start, I started comedy. I was 16 years old. And you go down to an open mic night, like we've all done in this room and you're scared shitless. And then. How did you get in when you were 16 years old? I looked 30. I always looked a lot older than I was. And then I go, and then you always feel, I found out cause I asked an 80 year old this, when I was away this summer, this, this winter on vacation. He said he still feels like he's 15. I go, so you never feel older. And that's what I, which leads to what I was saying.

So I'm here on the way in the cab. I feel like a little kid still. Yeah. I always feel like a little kid. I was like, oh, I'm, look at me. I'm in Vancouver. Like, and I'm like, how did I? And then I thought, I started comedy.

I was 16. Now I'm in Vancouver getting out of a cab to do a podcast with some comedians that I met over the years. And I was like, I started comedy. I was 16. Now I'm in Vancouver getting out of a cab to do a podcast with some comedians that I met over the years. And I was like, I like that. Yeah. It was fun. And then I was like, oh yeah, look at me. And then I thought maybe I should drink a little like Johnny Cash, make it a fun night.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Well, every night I always think, what would Johnny Cash do? Like, you know what I mean? Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson. What are the, I want to do that. Like if somebody was shooting, what if, that's what I tell my friends to when they're at my house and they might leave early. I go, what if they were shooting this as a movie and they didn't tell anybody and the movie airs and everyone was having fun. Do you want to be the one, all your friends go, you left early and then this happened?

Yeah. So just every night. Yeah, but isn't it, are you guilting them? Don't they, don't they have their own private reasons for wanting to go home? Well, you know what? If they do, by the way, that's a good question. If they do, I think I'm not a bully.

So I'll be like, no, no, no. Or if I knew they were getting ready for something. But if it's a Saturday night and they're just cutting out early because I go, no, cherish this. Just soak this the fuck in. What are you leaving early for, you know? Do you do, do you like party hop?

Do you like, okay, this place is getting lame. Nope. I go to somebody's house and I am, I like when people do that for me. I had a friend who used to always come, I got to leave early. I go, why don't you pick one of us and stay there all night long? Even if it's the other people you're hopping to. I get it. You know, I always have to preface everything because someone's listening going, yeah, but

around Christmas, I get it. Sometimes you got to hit a few places. I get it. You know, I always have to preface everything because someone's listening going, yeah, but around Christmas, I get it. Sometimes you got to hit a few places. I get it. But overall, no, no. Come to my place and hang. Because once you leave, you start a cavalcade, you know? Yeah. But anyway, that's not what we're here to talk about.

No, this is exactly what we're here to talk about. But I'm doing good. And I'm here in Vancouver. And it's very romantic, but not in a sexual way for me. I love it here. Like, I feel, like, good. I feel cozy. What do you think Johnny Cash would do in Vancouver?

Yeah, what would he do on a podcast? It'd be difficult. I think he'd probably have, like, maybe afterwards go out and definitely have some, like, drinks where you hear the ice cubes clinking on the glass. Yeah. Him and his friends. I don't know. And then he would go somewhere that has great cherry pie.

Oh, would he? Yeah, don't you And then he would go somewhere That has great cherry pie Oh would he? Yeah don't you think? Oh late at night? Yeah don't you think He would go to a place That had Oh you just gotta have A slice of this

Great pie Oh you know who has The best cherry pie I go to a place In Appleton, Wisconsin Oh yeah? And their cherry pies Are the size of a trash can

Oh my god They start more lies They serve them On a trash can Yeah it's so good They cut it Picture like You know shears That you cut outdoor hedges with?

Oh, wow. But they're clean, so they can cut the apple pie. They dig in there and cut it. I mean, you're just picking things that are getting like an average pie. It's getting sort of close to the size of a trash can lid. Oh, this was bigger than that. I mean, this was like the size of a small arena. Oh, this was bigger than that. I mean, this thing, this was like the size of a,

of like a small arena. Oh. Oh, yeah. Definitely a hundred feet wide. Oh, wow. Yeah, they had these ovens. Just, they taped 18 pizza ovens

together. Roller derby girls. Yeah. Well, my lie, I don't really. Roller skating around. Yeah. People roller skating

around the pies. Yeah. It's a whole thing. An Olympic sized pie. Oh. You know, around the pies. Yeah. It's a whole thing. An Olympic-sized pie. Oh. You know Johnny Cash did his live from Folsom Prison? Folsom Prison.

Yeah. And I was listening to that. Not Folsom Prism? Prism, yeah. Yeah. Prism. What is Prism? Prism was a cable thing for a while, right?

Yeah. Wasn't it a rock? It was a rock band. It's also a glass thing. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Our guests are, oh, I forgot. Prism. And he does that song where he goes, rock it was a rock band it's also uh got glass we'll take a break we'll be right back our guests are oh i forgot prism and he goes he does that somewhere he goes i shot a man in reno just to watch him die yeah now i like that he did a show in prison because i think that they don't have to

be forgotten people you know they some of them have done horrendous things some of them have but whatever they don't have to be forgotten so i like that he did it there but i think they missed the message when he goes i don't know why I thought this. No one else has thought this. He goes, I shot a man in vault just to watch him die. And they all play, go, woo!

I think you're missing the message. I think he regrets doing it. Yeah, because that whole song is about how he wishes he could be on a train drinking coffee.

Is that true? Yeah, because he hears the train whistle. I hear that train whistle. Yeah, blowing, and, you know, he says they're probably drinking coffee Because he hears the train whistle. I hear that train whistle. Yeah, blowing. And he says they're probably drinking coffee and smoking fat cigars.

Yeah. And da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- I know it. I know the song. I'm not fucking around. Better than Andy Kindler. Better than Andy Kindler. Better than Andy Kindler. Better than Andy Kindler. Chris James said mention his name every three minutes. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. Well, you're doing it.

So I feel good I'm here. I'm in Vancouver. And I'm going to have a great time. Yeah, absolutely. But now you've really got me thinking about kind of what would Johnny Cash do? I think they so, I think guys like that and Willie Nelson, or they, they, I don't want to be them when they have like their horrible drug problem, but just- No, no, like the good times. Yeah, like when they're just clinking those ice cubes.

You just want to have like a sound effects in the background of your life. I just want, can you get some clinking ice cubes? We'll do it after the break. You know what I think a lot of those guys do is they go to somebody's house and then they like, they jam, they play music all together with like 20 people in a room. That seems to be like the thing. That's why I want to mix music with comedy. All I want in life, which by the way, this means you're doing well too, because if you

have a tour bus as a comedian, it means you're also, you know, you're doing the type of thing Where you're going into a city for a night Doing one venue and then going to another city Yeah And then I would have three musicians travel with me Can you imagine how much fun it would be? And by the way, this isn't one of those things Where you go, how much fun it would be

Then if I got to it, I'd be like Remember I thought this would be fun? No, it would be fun It would be fun And we just have a small drum kit on the tour bus And at night we crank music and we. And we just have a small drum kit on the tour bus, and at night we crank music, and we play, and we just smoke a little bit of herb, and just, God dang, that would be good.

This sounds great. I know, and it would be. And that's all I need is a show. What would you call the band? Like it would be Todd Glass and the Traveling Ramblers. Three guys with instruments. Very meta. And I'd want one of the guys to have a horrible toupee that all I do is say,

that's a toupee, and he denies it. That's not a toupee. And he goes, no, go fuck yourself. And it's the big encore. It spins or something. He spins it. I pull it off, and he goes, ow, like it hurts. He does a big guitar solo, and it smokes come out of it.

But that would be fun, getting in the bus at the end of the night. Yeah. Where's Johnny? Where's Johnny? Johnny was supposed to be here. We got to get on the bus. Get on a plane and it crashes. Oh, I love it.

Would you wear a suit, a tuxedo? What would you wear if it's being a part of this ensemble? Yeah, like a nudie suit. If I had the band, I would definitely, although I want everyone to be comfortable, so black suits, you know, very fitted black suits.

I thought about this a lot. Definitely one girl on the band. I want details. A girl on the band. I don't know why, I just think it's good energy to have like a cool, fun girl around. Of course. She on the keys? She playing the guitar what's she doing she's there with her

tits bouncing around no what does it matter I'm selling tickets what do you care no whatever instrument I like

it looks very it looks very hot when a girl plays like a a stand up bass or something yeah but it doesn't have to be.

Or a harp. That would be nice. Or a kazoo. Cut to three guys with kazoos and a golden retriever with diarrhea in the bus. I don't know what that meant. Yeah, what? And the diarrhea. The diarrhea is wearing the toupee.

Three of them, but I couldn't wear a suit. Although I wish I could wear a suit, but I get too hot and sweaty. But if I could, I wouldn't mind. Sometimes you see comedians wearing suits and you're like, you're trying too hard. Other times you see guys like Greg Proops or Paul F. Tompkins. I have a new character. He sees Paul F. Tompkins and he goes, oh, hey, you're Paul F. Tompkins.

He goes, well, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Honey, it's Paul F. Tompkins, and he goes, oh, hey, you're Paul F. Tompkins. He goes, well, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Honey, it's Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Honey, it's your favorite comedian, Paul F. Tompkins. I don't know why that makes me laugh. But Paul looks great in a suit. Yeah. You know, it looks cool.

But you would look great in a suit. But I'd sweat too much. You sweat a lot on stage? Oh, jeez, it's bad. But so did Johnny Cash. I know, it looks cool. But you would look great in a suit. But I could, but I'd sweat too much. You sweat a lot on stage? Oh, jeez, it's bad. So did Johnny Cash. I know,

but they, I don't know. I don't know how you could do it. Like, I, I sweat a lot too. Uh,

just like, like this weather outside is like, it's winter and it's just way too hot for me. I can't bear it. Really? And you're not overweight

or anything. Thank you. That's the nicest thing he's Thank you. That's the nicest thing he's ever said. That's the nicest thing. Because when I was 30 pounds even heavier, I would sweat a lot more. But now I trim down a little so.

No, it's your secret. I just run hot. You don't want to ask. Yeah, sure I do. Why not? Coke and Thorazine. I don't know any good drugs to say. I'm not even sure. I didn't mean Visine.

Just, you know, I can still eat a lot. Basically, it was. You just had one less pancake. I had one. The diet that I do now to keep it at work sometimes. I just left Appleton, Wisconsin. Oh, you know what they have? Have you ever been to Appleton, Wisconsin?

No, never. They make these gingerbread cookies. They're the size of a football field. They're a gingerbread man the size of Godzilla. Yeah. Oh, man. And they're like sitting next to you at the table. Like they sit them.

If you're there all by yourself, they'll put gingerbread man in the chair. At your table. At your table sitting there and then you eat them. It's like an escort service. Yes. Oh, wow. Delicious. So table sitting there and then you eat them yeah it's like an escort service yes oh wow delicious you're not lonely while you eat uh so so um so uh paul for tompkins we talked about that what if i wrote that down like that's like we had to get that out of the way okay so we talked about fault i did my call back to the over the lying about things i ate yeah we were just talking about it's all rolling all rolling out. Yeah, it's all good.

But you... Oh, my diet. Yeah. I don't recommend this to anybody. Matter of fact, I myself might stop doing it soon. I lost the weight just by gritting and bearing. All my empathy comes from people that have drug problems or addictions to my food.

I don't think it's overstating it. About a month ago, I swear to you, for the first time I went, you probably have a food addiction, Todd. Really? Yeah, yeah. So what I've been doing is I know I have to put nourishment in my body during the day. I'm not hungry during the day.

So what I do during the day, I go to this place, I get a juice. I was juicing myself, but I was going to fucking take my life. It was such a pain in the ass. Because I don't cook, so it's just everything would go bad. It's five bucks. I call them. I walk in. It's ready. I ass because I don't cook. So it's just everything would go bad. And then I buy, it's five bucks. I call them. I walk in. It's ready.

I leave. I pay for it. I usually pay like two weeks in a row. You got your life back. Walk in. Yeah. Go. Yeah.

It's like that. I got, hi, I got my life back. So I juice. So every day, you know, it's not like you're juicing a bottle. It's real. There's kale. There's carrots. There's celery.

There's ginger. There's apples. There's oranges. I'm putting good stuff in my body. So it's charred every single day. I do that. I'm not really hungry during the day. And maybe I'll have a half a piece of broiled chicken.

Just that's it. Okay. And then I eat at three in the morning. A lot. And then is it just a carnival? It's a carnival. Yeah. And I won't lose weight doing that, but I can maintain doing that.

But that can't be good for me. What? But maybe it is. Maybe that's your. There's probably a dietician. Are you waking up at three in the morning? No, no. When I say three in the morning, 1.30, two o'clock, I eat late night.

Yeah. Until three. Whenever you start at a certain hour, but you always stop at three. Well, no, not if I'm up till six. No, and it's like what I can eat and lose weight is amazing. My metabolism is amazing. Like, okay, like if it's late at night, I don't consider it failure if it's one in the morning and we go to a deli and I get even a roast beef sandwich and even fries. Oh, man.

I don't consider, that's not, that's not. We got to move somewhere with 24-hour delis. Yeah, man. It's the best. I don't consider that, that's not when I have my problem. I can maintain weight doing that. The problem is on the way, first of all, I get a milkshake too. And I go, that's my drink.

You need it? Oh, that's your beverage? So like, would you like something to drink? You go, I will have a giant. Well, when everyone else is ordering their soda, I get a milkshake. So someone, when I'm getting dessert at the end, they go, you had? They go, well, you got dessert. Like someone that knows them.

Don't you hate that on restaurant menus? Some of them will put milkshake as a dessert. It's a drink. Excuse me. When you ordered your soda, I got a milkshake. It's my drink. And I don't care what you say. I had my drink.

And that is not a dessert. How dare you? Yeah. And then when I leave, care what you say. I had my drink and that is not a dessert. How dare you? Yeah. And then when I leave, I get a cookie. They're like, I had a cranberry and soda and it didn't come

with an extra tin. Well, it's your fault. Yeah, yeah. I remember the waitress, specifically, I heard her, oh, what would anybody like to drink?

A coffee or two waters? A soda? Oh, I'll have a strawberry milkshake. And you know the little one that comes with it? Yeah. The overflow? I like how people think

that's theirs. Oh, like this is community drink? Oh,'s mine and um and then on the way out i'll get a chinese cookie and like a fortune like a fortune no the chinese cookie is the big it's an almond cookie with a glob of chocolate in the middle oh and then if i if i stop there i'm not kidding i consider that a little and then i go home and maybe on the way home I get jelly beans. It's hard for me to get food back to the house. It's all gone by the time you get there. It's all gone. I don't go through drive-thrus anymore, but when I used to, I would get something to eat on the way home because there's no way it's getting home. Right.

I'm so proud of myself when I can do it. Like, get it home, take it out, even throw it on a plate. Go in the living room, turn the TV on and just but it's just in the car my big joke with Abby my wife is that

whenever I go pick up a pizza I get home like they ate a piece of our pizza by the way that would never

get funny unfunny to me I love it I love those jokes not again are you kidding me you know what these

damn it these places you start doing it when you're coming up the wall I love it. I love those jokes. Not again. Are you kidding me? You know what? These places. You start doing it when you're coming up the wall. They did it again. I don't think the mic's picking up. No, this is bullshit. This is just, they, three slices. What is a, how could a place stay in business like this? What do I care?

What do I care? What do I care? Aye, aye, aye. Who's this? It's like George Burns. Somebody asked him about his diet because he lived to like 101 or whatever. He looks great by the end. He ate anything he wanted

during the week and then Sunday he just didn't eat anything all day. He just had one day where he like re let his body reset and he would just not that's any good no but he lived till you know he was 100 i don't think it's great but you know comedians overwhelmingly unless they you know through their own through their own vices kill you know lose their lives you know what i mean whether it's the drugs yeah. They live pretty long, and I think one of the reasons is, there's no doubt the one sounds so like, but it's got to be true, the laughter thing.

Comedians, we do. Yeah, we laugh. We have a good time. Top ten medicines. But I think it's also that they can do their craft. I think sometimes when you sing, some people can do it forever, but sometimes they reach an age where they maybe can't sing anymore. You know, they can't do it anymore.

Comedians, if you look at everybody's career, like whether it was George Burns or whether it was Rodney or whether it's Don Rickles right now, they're really fine. Yeah. Once they, you know, die, you look back, you go, it was about the last two and a half years where they started to you go okay they're having a slow down you love them and you're watching them on tv but you go they're having a little difficult time they're they're cradled by which it's good they are you know the host is usually at that point taking care of them and leading them the right way they do a little editing but like the last two and a half three years max so i think that's why they probably live pretty long you know because they can do their craft till the very end If that's the right word to say

But you know all those guys Like that would be still touring and stuff Into their 60s or 70s Yeah They would be eating late at night Some of them There's no other option What do you do?

Well I guess it's what you eat late at night Because I tell myself A Chinese cookie You know Salad Full of jelly beans Even a salad with a lot in it. When I get to Cantor's, all bets are off.

She goes, what do you do? What do you want? It's not what I want with my sandwich. It's what I'll get. I want fries. Fries are always good. You ever go to a fancy restaurant and somebody will get fries? Maybe someone will go, fries?

And guess what? When they come, nothing is ever better than fries. Especially fancy fries. Yes. Or like if you get, yeah, a restaurant that like fries come with the steak and it's like they're all covered in steak sauce. And you're like, oh, I get to be a grownup and eat this garbage. It's the best of both worlds.

I get to choose how I want this thing cooked. And then I just get a bunch of potato chunks. Do you have a favorite type of fry if you had to? Like, you know, steak, a criss-crut. What's that called? A crinkle cut. A crinkle cut. Curly.

Steak fry, curly fry. I like a really thin French fry. Like a hickory stick. You put a little salt on there. Yeah, yeah. Jam like 30 in your mouth. Exactly. Because you get like a thing and then they bend in. You're you're like yeah those are probably like they're the most fun to eat and they're the most

satisfying like chomping experience i just like mcdonald's fries yeah that's within the size within five minutes of eating them oh yeah other like otherwise yeah otherwise i'll yeah i still have to eat them. What is your favorite type of fry? Oh, I'd rather not talk about it. Brings it up. I love it. No, I think I like the Crisco.

I can't say the name of it. The Crisco? Crisco? Crisco cut. Oh. What are they called? Crinkle cut? Yeah, where they have wedges. No, not wedges.

They're what you just said. Crinkles. Crinkle, crinkle. I can't imagine what that is. How do you explain it? It's like, it's like a. Like, they're like the ridged. They're like a potato chip?

No, you can see through it. It's like, there's, there's. Oh, someone knows. I'm googling this. You mean a latticed potato. Yes, yes, yes. Latticed potato. I know, he knows.

Yeah, I know you know what I mean by. It's probably not the right term, but I know you know what I mean. I could put it on like a bacon-lattice-potato sandwich. Lattice-potato. Yeah, you know, like they're crisped this way and then crossed that way. Oh, like a McCain Super Fries? Yeah, kind of like a McCain Super Fry. They have them at certain fast food places.

Oh, yeah, like this? Can I see? Yes. Wow. Hello. Already I'm thinking about eating. There's this kind. What was the kind they had in some booth at Bumbershoot?

Monty Python. It was like a spinny. Yeah. They were like spinny French fries. The potato tornado. Yeah, potato tornado. It was just a potato that they put on a spit and then with like a razor just like spun it around and like yeah and then you get this giant curl like it's one continuous that is great

yeah you where do you get that this was a fair yeah at any kind of american fair god that reminds me when i was in appletis wisconsin i can't even say it oh Oh, God. You don't understand kings. I don't know if it's true, but I think I saw this in a cartoon, but I think it's probably true. They eat and they would vomit. The gluttony of a king. I understand it sometimes. Like you would if it was socially acceptable?

It's bad for your... I think it's just bad for you, too. I get it the first time. It's got to be the best. Picture eating a big meal. Steak, fries you like. like everything's just great then you go vomit and do it all over you just start from zero yeah yeah and i don't think it was bulimia they weren't bulimic because they were they were big guys yeah they just wanted more they just wanted more more yeah that probably would be good to be king, you know? Yeah.

I guess. I never considered it. That's why they did it. I bet that's bring me more. Yeah. You think they said it like that? Well, I mean, some places they would. I think they said it more like, bring me more. Regular, bring me more.

Yeah, why would it? Bring me more. No, that's pretty good. They're not trying to be proper. In closed doors Like you're my servant Yeah Now do it like you still got a mouth full of

I hate to give you a line reading No no I love it Give me a line reading Act like you're hiring me for a movie So like you're You've eaten a lot But you Like you're about to barf

But you want the food to arrive As soon as you're done barfing. So you like you're. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Bring me more right now. That was great. That's just what we were looking for. Bring me more.

No, I was, I was, you'll hear from us. I hated auditions. You know, if, if I'm going to... Yeah, I hate it. Zach Galvanak has told me that he had a picture of me that he took, and he finally, after five years, he's been saying, oh, I have this picture. And we didn't know each other yet, but we were at a commercial audition.

This has to do with what we're talking about. You're just dropping names. I know, that would be even gross if I had nothing to do with this but it does specifically have to do with commercial you know you say we'll call you yeah and and i got a stomachache going on commercial auditions the whole process it was just and by the way if it didn't bother you i get it you have nothing to do during the day it's good to go out for commercial auditions and some guys can pop in they pop out they don't make them nervous so for those guys i get it those uh you know those people.

But I would get nervous. I would get a stomachache and they would go, okay, you're not happy. You're more cheerful. You're not, you know, oh, I'll do it again. But do you mind if it's the exact same way? So one time we had a very, whenever they would gather everybody, you never been there. We're like, so the guy shooting it, you know, it's not even the director, just the audition person comes into the hallway. Okay.

Who's here for the Trident? Come on. Okay. Okay. Now he's not angry. That means 15 people just did it wrong. So he's regrouped. He's not angry.

He's, he's, he's upset. Okay. He's not. And, um, so, you know, we're going to do it. You know, whatever he was saying. And then he did it. And then I went, you know what? You're good. You should do it.

And I left. And I just walked up and walked out. Now, partly not because he was so bad, but I wanted to find any reason to leave. And I had my, I think my friend was visiting me from out of town. And we got in the car and he goes, Todd, seriously? He goes, that's like the easy thing to do to leave. And I went, I know. I'm going to argue with him.

And then Zach went, did not know me, and saw my picture because they had already taken the Polaroid and put it up on the wall. And he took it down. He goes, I got to take this picture from the guy who did that. And then years later, six months ago, he finally gave me the picture. I love it. I was like, look at that. Look how good I look. You know, I always thought I looked good.

Whenever you look at yourself 10 years later, you always think like, oh, I look good then. But I don't, I don't. I remember. I like the way I look now. Yeah. I once was with. Edit that out. No, no, no, no.

Ed Dobbins. That whole story's fake. I was hanging out with uh some friends when i was a kid and they had a video camera and we were gonna watch some some old videos that we had made like you know uh a year or two earlier yeah like i found these old tapes that we made and uh so my friend has the video camera and he's looking he point he's uh i'm just watching the screen and uh i see myself on the screen. I'm like, wow, I really needed a haircut back then.

And he's like, Dave, this is live. It's a live feed of right now. I did. I needed a haircut. Oh, wow. Sometimes I look in the mirror a lot and somebody goes, that's, you know, that means you're self-absorbed. I go, well, I think it depends what you're thinking when you look in the mirror. I'm not thinking, wow, how gorgeous.

But I do some days. Some days I have good days. I don't play games with myself. Today I'm having a great day. And every airport mirror, I go in even if I don't have to pee just to check it out, make sure it's still good. I was feeling very good today. I felt really good. The weird, because, like, I've had different housing situations where I've had a mirror in my room and where I haven't had a mirror in my room.

Or in the house. Or in the house, yeah. No mirrors. There was one time I lived in a house that had no mirrors. With Dracula. Yeah. And yeah, I really notice it like when I'm in a hotel and there's like the floor to ceiling mirror. I'm like, ugh.

Like I really see, I see a lot more myself, and I'm like not happy about it. That's why I put towels over mirrors in the bathroom. Like if there's, I mean, it's like 300 watts. I just drape a towel over two lights because then it's like, you know, the ones that are next to the mirror, not the ones on the ceiling, but the mounted ones. You're up there with a staple gun. I would do that too.

I've taped gels to lights. I have. Any bogos? Just because I don't want to lights. I have. Any bogos? Just because I don't want to see what I'm going to look like. Gobos? You know, what did you say? Gobos. Is it gobos?

What's a gobo? It's when you put like a, you know, a shape. Yeah, to make like a branch or something. So it casts a shadow of like, yeah, a branch or a building or whatever. Yeah, it gives you kind of a, you know, moody look. An outdoor look. I like it. Yeah.

What's it called again? A gobo. A gobo. Watch your mouth. Young listeners. Who's that in a mink coat up on the wall? That's Wayne Gretzky. And he's in a mink coat walking through leaves?

Yeah. Yeah. Is that a paparazzi got that shot? Is that candid? Yeah, the paparazzi was shooting some woodpeckers and then Wayne Gretzky. Is that your dog, the picture up there? No, that is just a giant sticker we got of a

dog. Is that the type of dog you have? That's a Boston Terrier. Our dog is a part Boston Terrier. That's where I like to, see the white part on his nose? That's where I like to bite, fold and bite. Oh yeah, right there?

No, not the nose, right next to the nose, that little lip. Oh, okay. That's where I fold it. I was going to do it to your dog, but I should know him better. Yeah, okay. They love it. Yeah. Once you bite a dog, by the way, I used to say this kiddingly until someone after a show

explained to me why it's probably a little true. Dogs play with each other. They rough out and bite each other. Yeah. Because sometimes people go, oh, don't bite the dog. I don't bite them until they cry. I bite them, just love bite. Yeah, yeah.

They love you after that. I'll give them bites on the butt, like right above the tail. Yes. Who does that? I do. Yeah, that's another good place too. Yeah, I call it the dog glass. I learned it from you.

Do you have a dog? I don't. You don't? You seem like a guy who would have a dog. I'm also very, you know, I'm also very. Come home late at night, rough house a bit? I should probably get one. I'm thinking about it already.

You know what it is? I'm also very, very, very clean. Yeah. And, you know, I grew up with a lot of dogs, but we probably had four or five. But my mom literally every day would run the vacuum for, you know, 20 minutes. And our house was clean because every single day you run the vacuum, you know. And if you don't, and they were always being brushed and groomed. But every day, you know, quickly we'd go to school.

You know, it was like part of the morning. But if you don't do that and you let six days go by, even with one dog and the sun comes in the back of the house, you know, when you see every day. Yeah, you see all the clothing. And then the dog goes to the bathroom in the yard and it's like, but I get it, I get it.

It's stupid because I obviously go over people's houses that have dogs and their houses are, people can have a dog and be unbelievably clean. Yeah.

But still for me, I don't know. It just seems like a lot of work if no one's home and then the dog shits in the yard and then I got to clean it up and then if I miss three days, it's just,

it's a lot of work but the payoff is so worth it. Yeah, because you're there, you know, long, hard day. You come home. There are shitty excuses I make. For as much as I love dogs, for those excuses I make, it's pathetic. Yeah, you can come home, bite a dog any night of the week. You know what I mean?

You don't have to go over to a friend's house or find a stray dog to bite. Yeah, or go down to the pound and be like, hey, do any of these dogs need a bite? Well, I want to get here. By the way, I love dogs so much that I don't even want to set this up. I'll just set it up as a bit instead of trying to tell you that that's what I want to do. But my instincts were to go, well, you know what I want to do?

I want a purebred. But I like to rescue dogs because when they had bad, what if this is what a sick person you are? Because when you get a dog that's had a bad life, I truly believe that they just soak it in a little bit more. Oh, yeah. Like, this is my life. Like, if a dog was getting abused or not getting water,

and they're like, this is what it is going to be, and they just seem to, like, soak it in. But I want a purebred, so I'm going to go get a purebred, then give it to someone to abuse for a year. Then I'm going to rescue it. So I want it to be the dog I want a purebred So I'm going to go Get a purebred Then give it to someone To abuse for a year Then I'm going to rescue it So I want it to be The dog I want Yeah

No I would like to go To the SPCA Or somewhere And get a dog I feel like this Could be the year 2015 I think

Actually I think It very much It probably will be And I think my neighbors Would probably be really cool With helping me When I was gone And can you imagine

Your Instagram Will go through the roof Oh you're right. Do you know what I mean? You know how it's like you're always searching for something to take a picture of? Not anymore. Not anymore. You got a dog that you can put a little hat on.

A golden retriever maybe? No, I would shed too much. I'd probably get a shedless dog. I'd have to do that. Sure. I'd have to go get it. Get a hairless. Yeah.

No, not a hairless dog. Get a skinless. Ooh, skeleton dog. Yeah, get a skeleton dog. They don't have bones. But they would always be chewing their own bones. Why? Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Well, after five months of paternity leave, two days ago was my first day back in the office. Congratulations. And it's a weird transition. Yeah. What is your office job? I work at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation on their music website.

And yeah, so I, it's been like, while I was on paternity leave, Abby got her driver's license. She never had a driver's license before. And I used to drive to work. And so now, not only am I back at work, I'm back on the bus. That's a rude awakening, no matter which way you do it.

And it's like show off. Look, I care a little bit more about the planet. Well, can I ask you a question? Why are buses so bad? Oh, God. Meaning, like, I never was a bus person, but I mean, so I'm not defending it from a place that I've taken a bus, but like,

I know the rep on buses, but a train isn't, is it yeah you're right a bus is worse but is it worse because of the is it worse for legitimate reasons or just because like if you took all those same people and you put them on a train and then you were going through new york city is it mentally something too along with the legitimacy of the filth and the dirt it might be a mental thing but i yeah it at least in vancouver the the trains go further like a bus is something you would use to get around your neighborhood uh and so like people are there's like legitimate people commuting uh whereas you know a bus people, they can be whoever. Whoever.

They don't need to be going anywhere. They're not going anywhere. That's the thing with the bus. Because on the train, you're going to see a lot of people that are going to school, going to work. But on the... Well, where are they going? Where? The people on the bus? You mean they could just be maybe going to Taco Bell?

Yeah, they could. Yeah, exactly. Or they could just be going around and then there's people like you what would you say the percentage of people that you're like you know i hate to okay here's the percentage me and then everyone else is a monster i'm great everyone else is the very worst um i but it's funny we're talking about mirrors and stuff it's like i the transition from being in a car or being at home all the time to being out in public, like crammed in a bus full of people is like, oh, I should have, like, I can't check. Everyone's staring at me.

Do I, do I have something on my face? I have no way to check this. All right. Yeah. Um, and then it's, it's like, oh, I, I, you know, I, I can't, uh, can't like, oh, I stared too long at that person. I can't pick my nose. I'm dying to pick my nose. Your skills, your skills are, it's down.

You need to build back up. Yeah. That's too much all at once. You should have done a couple of blocks on the bus. That's true. Every day just to acclimatize yourself. And my first day back at work, they, they, my coworkers very generously got a bunch of donuts. And they're like, oh, have a couple, Dave.

Oh, you know what? Have three. Oh, there's still more donuts, Dave. Do you want? So I had three donuts. What type? They were, they're like a very, they're not Tim Hortons, whatever. Right.

Fast food donuts. They're like a fancy donut. Like a Cartem's? It was not Cartem's. Cartem's. It was Lucky's. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So I had one that had like pistachios all over it. I had one that was like a nice chocolate and strawberry and one that had bacon on it. Wow. And then. There's a lot of good donut places. I know. And then felt like garbage. I felt like complete garbage.

Yeah. But then you got back on the bus and you felt right at home. Yeah, exactly. You're like, I'm sweating the right amount. I smell weird enough. Tim Hortons has a pretzel bagel. And a sandwich on that is pretty good. Toasted.

Yeah? Yeah. Is it, it seems like it'd be too chewy. No, it's delicious. All right. You might go, seems like it'd be too chewy. No, it's delicious. All right. And you might go, isn't that a salt bagel? No, it's still got the brown top. Ah.

That was when I was, when I worked near a Whole Foods, I would go get a pretzel bun every day, and that's when I was putting on weight. Yeah. They're so good. Mm-hmm. I know, but what can you, yeah. It's simply irresistible. That's what the song's about. It's simply the best. If they could just, well, never mind. If they, but what can you... It's simply irresistible. It's simply the best.

If they could just make... Well, never mind. If they could just what? Make food that doesn't make... In our time here in life, there's got to be some shit we can't even think about. Make food that's... Zero calorie food? Zero calorie food. Well, we can,

but it's got some... We have to be on the verge of virtual food. Oh, would you go in for a virtual food? What does that mean? Like you put on a helmet and you can taste it. And it's like you ate it, but you didn't eat it. You have the eating experience. But then nine months later, a baby comes out.

But would your brain... Your brain would know. No, your brain's stupid. Okay, so this tricks you. Yeah. Like it's like eating a sandwich in your brain would know. No, your brain's stupid. Okay. So this tricks you. Yeah. Like it's like eating a sandwich in your dream. Yeah. You're like, this is actually happening.

I'm eating a real sandwich. Whenever I think of like what, you know, we try to imagine with cell phones now, I think we all go inward sometimes and think, okay, what's going to be the next thing? I always think of what something my, uh, my mom said to me a long time ago. And she goes, we, we don't, we're not thinking like they think. We think what we already know and we think a version of that. She goes, because when I was little, she goes, I remember, was it her mom saying? One day I can't wait till they invent a dryer that hangs the clothes for you.

And that says everything. That still happens today. They just thought a dryer, now to us that sounds silly, but they would have never thought like, well, if they only could hang it for you. So whatever we're thinking is probably equivalent to that. Like what they're going to have,

it won't be, it's going to be like, what? I didn't think that. I know. Yeah, because you wouldn't have thought even 20 years ago that this phone shenanigans. You're right. The phones are the best.

Yeah, you would have thought like the Back to the Future 2 takes place in this year. It takes place in 2015 and it came out in 1989 or whatever. And like they have the greatest like vision of the future that also includes phone booths. Phone booths still exist. Yeah, that's true. But you know, your watch is super cool. Yeah, nobody thought. He goes into an antique store and the woman is showing him a dust buster.

This is before they invented dust proof paper. This is before they invented dustproof paper. But like, wasn't there, the clothing that he wears to be his son or whatever, to pretend he's, I've seen kids wearing clothes that aren't super disabler from that. Right, the styles? Yeah, the styles. Yeah, but they don't have the clothing technology that fits to your body. No, that's true. With a button. That's true.

Or dries with a button that's or dries with a button but it looks like kids are like if you took a picture of a kid riding the bus you'd be like yeah that looks kind of like the the outfit yeah mcfly wore um do you think that that's just because people are like it's 2015 we have to do this yeah we gotta push this trend we gotta make this work the other thing uh that was like a culture shock from uh like being at home for five months and then suddenly being walking around downtown all day uh we could call this suddenly dave suddenly sure play the jingle suddenly It's suddenly Dave. It's suddenly Dave. You do need a band.

Yeah. Was, you know, when you're like, there's no, there's no rules for walking down the sidewalk. Well, there are some agreed upon rules. But like, have we all agreed that like, since cars drive on the right, that on the sidewalk, everyone should walk on the right? Of course. But we haven't agreed on that. Like no one. Well,

not, don't, don't 90% of the people agree on that. Yeah. But like, there's no one enforcing it. No, that's true.

There's always people just zigging and zagging. And, uh, so I was crossing the street and all my people were on the right and all the people coming towards me were on the left. And then suddenly all the people coming towards me swarmed in every direction. And I was like, what, what did I miss? What's going on? And then I saw that a woman was sharing a scarf

with her like eight-year-old. That's not a thing. And so they were walking and they were blocking like. Idiots. Yeah. And so everyone was going around them and causing a giant like idiots yeah and so everyone was going around them and causing a giant like uh chaos in the uh in the intersection yeah that's not a you know if you think that that came

along in the five minutes that you haven't gone out it's not it's not a trend okay it's new in 2050 yeah tying their necks around other people's necks. You know what I've been seeing a lot lately? People sneezing into the air. I saw that today. I saw a guy. And let me tell you something. I can't talk about this unless I make it very clear. There might be things in the gray area.

I like that gray area. I like that term, the gray area. Yeah. But to me, I touch doorknobs. You have to touch things. I get it. You got to. And look, I'm doorknobs. You have to touch things. I get it. You got to. And look, I'm going to say this in a very sloppy way.

So what's to decide whether you have what would be OCD where you can't touch anything? Yeah. Because someone would decide, yeah, you have to touch a countertop. But then there are things that are in the gray area. And then there's things that are absolutely legitimate. Yeah. Let's go to a ridiculously legitimate thing. If somebody vomited on your head and you started to wipe it off nobody would go oh that's

a little you're so ocd no no and i know that's an extreme but you would go okay so we're agreeing that when we categorize what they are that's probably you can't touch a doorknob or you maybe maybe people would say ocd you still have to touch doorknobs. Right. And that's in the gray area. And then there's things that are absolutely hands down. The sneezing into the air is disgusting. It is so disgusting. And the fist bump makes sense. Right, yeah.

Because I saw people sneeze into their hand. And don't tell me that millions of people every day, hey, if someone sneezes into their hand and 20 minutes later they bump into me, you know what? I'll even write that off. But sneeze into your hand. I don't know. I'm turning the corner. I didn't see you sneeze.

And then you're going to shake my hand? Yeah. I don't think that's – I would not categorize somebody to go OCD on that one. It's like, no, people are – people aren't disgusting. There's a lot of people with great hygiene. But there's a shit ton of people. I see them at the gym. I would say most people.

I sit in, when I'm at the gym, sometimes I can see people like when they're washing, when they come out of the stalls where they wash their hands. And then I think, oh, you didn't want, I see just people one after another, after another, not washing their hands. Yeah.

I'm like, and I want to go like, I think to myself, pig, pig, pig, pig. But I saw how it sounds. And I, first of all, I would never do it, but I returned my cart most of the time to where it belongs. I didn't used to. At the grocery store? Yeah, at the grocery store.

And I was returning the cart and another woman just, a woman was pulling in and a woman just blatantly left their cart. She just pushed it into the spot. The other woman gets out, and she goes, she goes, by the way, good for you for returning your card. She goes, did that woman just put it there? I said, yeah. She goes, pig, pig.

Excuse me, I'm choking. That's okay. She goes, pig. And I thought to myself, a little obsessive, pig. Like, it sounds so mean, even though the person shouldn't have left their card. She goes, pig. She just said it to me, pig. and then i thought but she she's right yeah she thought that that was she didn't say it to the woman but like yeah put your card back pay a pig of uh consideration i

like that like i like calling somebody a pig like just like for sloppiness yeah like i saw there was i was getting on the bus with a guy. He sneezed into midair. A little weird. And then he was scratching, he was, you know, touching himself and snotting on the ground. But I was getting on the same bus as this guy. Yeah. So I had to be extremely careful. Like everywhere he put his hand, I had to note as I was getting on that I wasn't touching the same.

Oh, you're OCD. It was so gross. It was a real wild adventure. I like people that, again, I do touch knobs. I'm touching the table. I'm touching. But I think there's a lot. There's definitely some things people throw into the OCD category that at worst should be in the gray area.

And a lot of times, no, that's legitimate. I like at the grocery store. Now they have those, look, and people might go, oh, you're going to touch stuff. I know you act like I'm acting like I can, the whole world can be sanitary. Can't there's germs out there and we're all, our bodies are made to be able to withstand some germs. I get it. My goal is not to rid the world, but some things are, and wiping the cart off, at least where you touch it. I like that where they have the, you've been where and wiping the cart off at least where you touch it

I like that where they have the you've been where they have the as you're getting your cart they have like a wet wash oh yeah yeah yeah like and you pull two or three out

I pull like eight out I'm like and then I wipe it down just where I'm touching it the little cart wipe it all you know just get it get it down

I feel yeah at least where I'm putting my hand have you ever like been you know where they have have the bakery section and there's tongs? Oh, yeah. And then you see somebody grabbing a thing

without the tongs, and then you're like, well, I guess I'm not getting. If they just touch their one roll, it doesn't bother me so much. But how is that? I mean, you've got to be so ginger to just get the one. If it's a bagel. I don't, by the way.

Add the one. I use my dick. The grocery store. Oh, yeah. Stack a few up. If it's a bagel. I don't, by the way. At the one. I use my dick. The grocery store. Oh, yeah. Stack a few on. A few bagels on there. At the grocery store I go to, they don't have tongs. They have, like, these weird, like, tissue-y, paper-y things, but they're, like, crinkly.

Oh, yeah. But they, like, your finger slips all the time. It's like I'm, this is more helping me in my mind than it's actually helping me from the ground. Can I tell you something? Yes. Yeah.

You might not think you started this, but it's my, it's, this is definitely to me, remember they said the gray area? This is, and some things, okay, great.

Some things I don't even mind if we go back and forth. Gray, is it legitimate? Is it not? Is it not. This is, and some things, okay, great. Some things I don't even mind if we go back and forth. Gray, is it legitimate? Is it not? Is it not? This is to me, anybody who doesn't think this is in the absolutely like. This is the black and white category. This is absolutely unacceptable.

This has to do with your finger. You know, it's not going to always. And hotels, not even bad hotels. Forget about shitty hotels. Okay. They think it's okay to take the blanket and put it in between two sheets. So they put a sheet down, then they take the comforter, and then they put it. That slips out.

Yeah. The blanket slips out, and it touches your face. Because here's what I get, and I've talked about this in my podcast before, but it just happened again at a hotel. And again, a pretty nice hotel. When I think I'm being fair, I'm going, okay, how about this? I'll use the blanket that the former person used. How about that? I'll use it.

I get it. They used it. But can you put it in a duvet and zip it shut? Is that too much of me? Just because you don't say this, if you were the owner of that chain, by the way, I think Rich Carlton and places like DeForest Seasons, they do. You're saying, and by the way, a step down from that is in a Super 8. There's some pretty cool hotels that think that sheet thing.

If you're the CEO of that company and somebody goes, hey, I don't mind if I use the blanket that someone else used. Can you just put it in a thing and zip it in there so I know it can't slip out? You think that's too much for them to ask or you'd be fucking doing it. And I want to look at the CEO because those are decisions that are made. This has not accidentally happened. There's meetings. That's a decided thing.

And you know what? Here's where. So I talked about this and someone came up to me after a show. By the way, if you're listening to this and you're going, oh, but you go to the airport, you take off your shoes. No, no, that's not the fucking same. It's not even close. If it was close, I'd go.

I'll give it to you. You're pulling this up to your face. I'm not back. I'm not. Oh, Todd, you're exaggerating. No, you're taking it. And all you're saying is what? There's something that I pull up to my face in the middle of the night.

Cannot there be shit and feces on it? Yeah. And by the way, oh, you're saying is, there's something that I pull up to my face in the middle of the night. Cannot there be shit and feces on it? Both. And by the way, oh, you're picky? You're picky? Really? Because I don't mind if it's in the zipped in thing. How cool can I be, for lack of a better way to say it? Just zip it in there.

So someone came up to me after their show. After you talk like that? Yeah. I'd be too intimidated. On my podcast about two years ago. And they go, you know, it's funny you say that because the Doubletree, and that's not the fanciest hotel in the world. They agree. To the point that I love.

Sometimes you go even to a Ritz Carlton and they have the, or, you know, like a Four Seasons or something. They zip the blanket in. Yeah. But then they put those pillows on the bed. And that's when I want to go, no, no, no. How about this? Here it goes. How about this?

No, no, no, no. What you're saying is, how about those hotels where they have a lot of shit on the bed? We give you a clean, crisp blanket. We put it in a thing. We zip it shut. There's no fucking way it's getting out. We just put a few little hints of shit on the bed. Nothing.

I'm going to sleep in the bed. I get it. Oh, there's rugs in the room. I get it. It's. Nothing. I'm going to sleep in the bed. I get it. Oh, there's rugs in the room. I get it. It's my feet. I'm pulling it up to my face. Double tree, if they put those pillows on the bed, those two zipped in. Oh, zipped in.

Zipped in a thing. Every single person that checks in, they put the blanket in a thing. They zip it shut. And on the bed, if there's those pillows, they're zipped in little things. And I'm like, even the circle one, you know that circle one that they put, it looks like a Tootsie Roll? Yeah. Zipped in, white, every, I see the maids undoing them, taking them out, and I'm like, yeah.

I don't get a hotel that inwardly goes, no, it's okay, you just put a blanket. Does it ever slip out? Yeah. They can't go once, to be honest, maybe 1% of the time. No! No, no, no. No, no, no. It's 70, 80% of the time that blanket's coming out of there.

And they go, oh, that's okay. I'm not joking around. If I had a show, I want that answer to me. I want the CEO of anybody that doesn't think their customers go, well, what do they want? What do they want? What is Todd Glass saying? Let's say I was big enough where it got back to a CEO. All right.

He thinks that we should put our, he thinks it's all right. We use the same blanket, the customer before he thinks we should put it in and zip it so it can't slip out. Oh, fuck him. Fuck you, you pile of shit. By the way, that way, that anger isn't totally... I'm in the room. It's real. It's real. It's real because when you break it down,

you think about it. Like, if you're out there listening right now and you think, relax, Todd, it doesn't bother me. Believe it or not, when I'm in the room, I'm okay. When I get into it as a business model, the frustration happens not much as me when I'm in the room. I'm like, oh, my God, that blanket slipped out in the middle of the night.

No, I get over it. Right. And I think it. But when I think of it as a business model, that someone owns a corporation, they have a CEO, meetings are had, and that's something, the bed. That's all you're about is a bed. You are. Your whole establishment is a bed. And you go,

I'm not. I don't. What? And if it's a Super 8, who gives a shit? That's another thing. How many categories do I have to clean up? The Super 8,

even the Hilton. I'll get the Hilton out of it. No, no, Hilton, fuck them. No, the Hilton should zip it in. That's a nice enough hotel. Now, here's the thing. Was this the energy that you brought

to this Trident audition? No. No. No, I could never do it in there. Look at me. I got sweating. I know. By the way, the Doubletree should make me one of their CEOs because I'll tell you what,

I respect them. I give you a hot chocolate chip cookie. What more do you want? That sounds really good, actually. This just in. Todd Glass named one of the CEOs of Doubletree. Here in Canada, they did one of these exposés where they did the how clean is this chain versus that chain. They went to the high end, Ritz-Carlton, Four Seasons, whatever.

And then the low end, Super 8s. And across the board, Super 8 was the cleanest of any of them. Can I ask you a question? Will you bare your soul here? Sure. Did you do any research or did someone tell you that? No, I watched the special. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that just seems so hard. Because when I, not just because of the, not just because of the room and obviously when you're staying at a really high-end hotel. Hey, most of the time I stay in Hilton's or when I'm in Philadelphia at a Doubletree. But, you know, sometimes when you're at a Rich Carlton or a Four Seasons, not just because of the expensive decor, but those rooms, they do feel clean. Like the grout looks like they're scrubbed and they're Cloroxed and you go in there.

So I got to really wonder about that. I'm going to do more research about that. My guess. Those blankets, they don't even clean at the Super 8. They use the old fashioned, you know, the brown and blue and green. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those blankets that they're never, I, by the way, they're never cleaned. Yeah, that's probably true.

That's insinuating. You know why? People don't know that. They thought, well, you take that off the bed. That's a bed cover. No, people're never cleaned. Yeah, that's probably true. That's insinuating. You know why? People don't know that. They thought, well, you take that off the bed. That's a bed cover. No, people fuck on it. Yeah, that's probably true. But Super 8, I don't care.

I'm not willing to go into that. I'm just talking. Super 8, they let dogs come in and fuck on it. So how can that be cleaner than the Ritz Carlton? I think because they were, the guess was, by the people who were hosting the thing, was they were probably using a much harsher chemical to clean the room than a- Yeah, they just spray it down.

They just spray it down with fluoride. Yeah, they just like- They spray it. They bleach the room. Like they just hose it down. You know what I did think of though? Even again, you have to touch stuff, but I think it was here. I stayed at a hotel once where there were, now granted, there's nothing like getting

up in the middle of the night. I don't, I have hardwood floors at my house or tile and in the middle of the night, there's nothing like being in a hotel. It is very comforting if you have to go to the bathroom in the night or you're walking around barefoot to get out of the hotel with carpeting. It feels just really cool. But I would give it up. I never thought about this.

I was at a hotel and again, I think it was here. They had, not real hardwood floors, but laminate hardwood floors. There is a disease festival. So if you do that. And everyone's invited. You get all the germs from carpeting. Even at the Ritz-Carlton, they still vacuum it. They probably disinfect it.

But when you take the carpeting out of a room, and then if you use the duvets on the blankets, and you give the room a good scrub down, that's a pretty sanitary room. That carpeting. Get rid of the carpeting. Yeah, yeah that carpeting get rid of the carpet yeah get rid of the carpeting do you do this is a trick that a friend of mine who's a traveling comic first thing she does when she goes into a hotel room puts the remote in a ziploc bag so she never has to touch well here's here's the thing about that that and it's so wrong of me to get upset sometimes when i tell the thing about the blanket. Remember, the blanket, take something right now.

Take it if you're listening. I think people go, oh, he's upset. No, no. Put it to your face. Yeah. So what gets me upset is, I don't know if upset's the word. When people start giving examples. Let me tell you, it's the word.

Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm getting upset. Right. It gets me upset. Okay, it does. It gets me upset when they throw other things into the category of like, just throw things in there that are as equally as gross as blanket to your face. Yes, we could all list other things we wouldn't like.

The remote control, yes, but you can go in, get a hot washcloth and wipe it down. Put a little Purell on your hand and put it on the back. But you're not taking it to your face. So when people, if I say to people, list other things that are equal to, blanket to your face, don't go, yeah, like how about when you go to the airport, you have to take your shoes off. I said that one before because that's what Jane Kirkman said. I wanted to punch her in her face.

Because, no, we're trying to list things that are equal. We get there's a lot of things in life you wish. You know, like I wish. What about this? Would you use somebody else's phone? Because that's face. Face on face. That's face on face.

Well, I would put it, what I try to do is put it on speaker. Okay. And lower the volume. And rub it on my butt. And rub. Just so they're like big my butt. And rub it. Just so they get theirs. Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you,

I still am not exhausted from thinking of the companies that aren't going, yeah, well, they just want it zipped in. They just want to zip it. They want to make sure

it can't slip out. And that's either not, that's either talked about and went, oh, please, anybody else have anything that we can make these room? When will you be exhausted?

When I get an answer. When you have justice. Or they've ignored it. Either way, it's bad. Either someone goes, Todd, to be honest, I am the CEO of the rich group. No, rich does do it. It's never going to happen for you. Or we've never discussed it.

It's not that we've talked about it and we've declined putting it in the duvet. It's that we just have so many other things. Oh, that's even worse to me. Oh, so it's not even in your radar that people, when they get in the bed, that's like when a comedy club doesn't have a second mic. You might think, how the fuck do I compare it? Yes. Your whole establishment is about

a microphone. That's all it is. When it comes down to it, there's a million things that make a comedy club. I get it. But if you had to go the one thing, a microphone. What about lights? Yeah, but microphone. And you don't have a second one on the stage, close your fucking club. Any club. I like when I'm

at a club. And man, it happens. You're at a helium and the mic goes out, sound guy comes up, he goes, grab the other mic. Yeah, of course there's a second mic. That's your beat. And the same thing, a bed. A bed. And they're going, ugh, I don't know. Have you ever written to one of these companies like Twitter accounts? Who cares?

You care. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Wait, speaking of microphones. No, no, I haven't, but I don't, I haven't. How do you live, like live your life putting a microphone up your mouth? Can I tell you something?

You're absolutely right. And it's gross. And every time I talk about it, I think I don't't, here's another, I think, I'll tell. Like Andy Kindler was on that. No, no, Andy Kindler, that wouldn't bother me because he seems clean to me. You know, you just have a perception of somebody, he's a clean person. But how about on stage? I remember a comedian coming through the Comedy Works, a club I first started out in Philadelphia,

and he brought his own mic. And you know what? comedian coming through the comedy works a club i first started out in philadelphia and he brought his own mic and you know what again people be like no i don't put that into the category of being ridiculous that's your mic there's germs there's so you're right it wasn't a special mic it was just just his own just his own mic and you know what one time i had to take a i'll have to say i took a mic a mic. I'm going to vomit. I took a microphone off the top and I smelled. Oh, why? Why did you do that, though?

Oh, God. Todd is 100%. Like, he really gagged. Yeah, like you really looked like you were going to go. Like he stopped himself a couple times. Yeah. My brother's. Has a real bomb.com people that picture

this might i guess the reason i preface it is i know the way i live my life at my house and my brother who's a teacher and sometimes pretty good at watching kids to see what you know that kid might have you know certain traits and because you know you let go of a lot more shit than you would think or if someone would hear you right now you had a party at your house last night and i saw you wanted it organized and you definitely set up where there were trash cans everywhere so you could keep it clean the whole night. But you let go of a lot of stuff. People were coming in your house. So I'm not like, you know, living in a bubble, but just to me, that microphone, it makes me want to go talk, start traveling with a mic, just start bringing a mic because I keep forgetting about it.

I'm going to start bringing it to mind. Why don't you? Because I keep forgetting about it. Now, on my own podcast, I will say this. Just once I do the foam things, I will take alcohol, pour it on a washcloth, and clean them for the guests sometimes. Sometimes I forget. Oh, yeah, we did that for you. No, shut up. We're no Doubletree.

Yeah. Sorry. You should put these in it. Why don't you put these in the thing and zip them shut? Probably. I think audio quality. Here's the thing. Who said she puts the remote control in a plastic baggie? My friend Erica.

Is she going to be around this week? Yep. That's got to be so uncomfortable. What? Putting the thing in the... To use it once it's in the plastic bag. It's just slippery. Maybe you're right. Wouldn't it be easier, just like I said, to put a little Purell on there? I guess. I don't know.

It just seemed like a really one-stop kind of idea. And the other thing that I shouldn't do, you're right, because maybe I went off on that. The microphone thing is as gross. I'm not going to try to sell the microphone at a comedy club and go, no, that's not as bad. No, it is. It is. I just ignore it.

The comics, because if you're a guitar player, you don't just show up and play the bar's guitar. You have your own guitar. If you're a harmonica guy, I think they just use whatever harmonica they find. Well, I have something I could bare my soul to you. Go ahead. So on my podcast, I was buying kazoos because and then

sometimes giving them to the live audiences buying big bags of plastic ones but i was throwing them out obviously i'm not gonna you know give someone else a kazoo that's been used cycle because but then aristotle the guy who does you know who i guess you could say he runs the board he produces the podcast uh in case you're listening aristotle that's, well, that's a strong word. But anyway, we bought these $5 kazoos. They're like metal. Now, we all have them there, and we have our name on them, and everybody has their own. But for the guests, last week, we had six people in studio just hanging out, and I gave them all kazoos. When they left, now they're in a basket over in the corner, which I have.

And I asked Jake Adams, give him a plug. I said, very funny comedian follow him on Twitter. I said, do you think it's okay if we like dip these in ice and like literally in like a, you know, put a little alcohol in a bowl and just let them sit in there and then take them out? Would that be okay to let the next guest use it? And he goes, I don't know. Yeah.

And then we left it at that. What would you think? I think they're. They're metal. Yeah. No, I think they're. They're $ know. Yeah. And then we left it at that. What would you think? I think they're... They're metal. Yeah, no, I think they're... They're $5? Yeah. I think they're trash.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, but how about buying six every week? I know. I think you got to go plastic. Yeah, you got to go back to the plastic. Oh, no, they sound better, the metal ones. The plastics?

No, the metal ones sound better. But I think you might be right. Why? Even in alcohol? Yeah, they're putting their lips on it. You're right. I wouldn't want to use that. That just answered it might be right. Why? Even in alcohol? Yeah, they're putting their lips on it. You're right. I wouldn't want to use that. That just answered it.

Forget it. Throw them out, Jake. But you know what I mean? Like, even if... Just send them a note. Jake, I'm going to need you

to listen to the first hour of this podcast. I have something I want to tell you. No, I don't want to just tell you over this one. I want you to hear

this particular one. I want you to know how worked up I get about these things. And also, maybe consider double trading the future. Can I ask you a question and you're I get about these things. And also, maybe consider double trading in the future. Can I ask you a question?

You're probably scared to answer it. All right. Do you think I'm right about the blanket? Or do you think that's not that big of a deal? Would you go, it's not the best thing, but it's not the worst thing? I think if it's within their power to do something like that, and it would make people feel more comfortable. But how about you, I'm saying?

I don't care. Yeah, I have never thought about that. Okay, so if you don't, and then again, I get it, because what's giving me a little bit of understanding from that perspective, which I never had before, I would start getting madder when someone said they didn't get it, was the microphone. Because, yeah, the microphone is just as disgusting. My lips are touching it. But somehow there's a disconnect, so I get it. And the guy on stage before you was doing, like, sound effects. No, I know, I know.

So if that doesn't bother you, the blanket, and by the way, I'm not exaggerating. There's no shit or, I have to say these words. Yeah. There's no shit or feces on the microphone if I'm going to defend myself a little. No, that's true. So if the blanket, we're not lying, shit, feces on the microphone if i'm going to defend myself a little that's true so if the blanket we're not lying shit feces sweat you know vomit whatever

yeah yeah if that touching your face doesn't bother you you know i know what you mean you don't love it and you get it analytically you're like no i guess that's gross but like me with the microphone there's just sort of out of sight out of mind type of a thing what does bother you uh well i'll say one thing about first first of all, with the hotel thing, is the first thing I'll do, because most of these duvets have feathers in them, and I'm allergic to feathers. No, the duvet is what goes over it. The duvet is the sheet.

It's like a sheet if they sewed it together and put a zipper on it. They just put the duvet. They put the cover. That's what I want it put in. That's what I'm saying good hotels do. They at least take the blanket, which, again, I know they don't wash the blanket. So the duvet is a cover? guess yeah go yeah yeah it goes down you you fucking know damn well you do and bury your soul okay right now no bullshit one million dollars one million dollars and there's a one million dollars somebody goes is it what is a duvet and don't try to be cutesy

because you know the money ain't gonna get it hold on i can see you're still i haven't got you where i need you to get you yet one million dollars no you don't please act like you know you're not getting it because you know you're not one million dollars the reason that money is a great question it ends all bullshit what is a duvet your best guess not i'm not sure it's not true you have five seconds one million Best guess. What's a duvet? Go. It's the comforter. And I always consider the cover because they call that a duvet cover. Right. No, they don't. A duvet is a duvet that goes over the blanket.

You didn't know, by the way, which made me happier. I hope I didn't scare you. No, no, no, no, no. It's not a duvet cover because you don't put a cover on the duvet. By the way, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm not. No, no. What are you saying exactly? You're agreeing.

You could be wrong. No, no. I don't think I am, though. A duvet is, there's no duvet cover. It's a, duvet is a blanket cover. Right. So the duvet, do you have a blanket? The duvet and the cover are the same thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a blanket? And then a blanket, it's like, picture if they sewed it all around and then on one edge there's a zipper. So you open the zipper. Okay. You shove the down comforter in there. Right. And then you have a blanket. And then a blanket, it's like picture if they sewed it all around. And then on one edge, there's a zipper. So you open the zipper. You shove the down comforter in there. Right.

And then you zip it shut. That's a duvet. It's not a duvet cover, I don't think it's called. Because that would mean you'd put it over the duvet. But this, I always. Which would make you wrong, which would mean a million dollars. No, wait. No, no.

Well, no, that's. Wait, what? Hello? I can't hear you. Operator? Was I rude to you? Well, of course. No, but it no, no. Well, no, that's... Wait, what? Hello? I can't hear you. Operator? Was I rude to you? Well, of course. No, but it's from love.

No, I know. I thought you... Can I tell you what I thought? And I thought, because I do this sometimes, you didn't want to say what a duvet was because it didn't seem masculine. What? So you went... Because I've done that in my life, but I had different problems.

Oh, no. I sleep in a burlap sack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I sleep on a bed of nails. That's what I thought. Can you see why I got that? So I got like, oh, come on, don't leave me hanging here with the duvet.

Flexiglass fear factor. But further to that, I always take the duvet. I don't sleep with that on the bed ever. You mean the blanket. The blanket. Yeah. That goes, and I just drape that over the chair. Okay.

I just sleep under the sheet. Here's the problem, though. Here's the problem. It's still touched. No, no. In those hotels, I agree. When there's an old-fashioned blanket, I take that off. In these hotels, all there is, there's a down comforter with two sheets.

That's all there is. There's no, that's the blanket. That's the down comforter with two sheets. That's all there is. That's the blanket. The blanket is sandwiched in between two sheets. So if you take it out, it's still touched it. And if you take it off, there's nothing else to use. You're right. Sometimes just a sheet. I've done that in shitty hotels.

I have taken that off. I just Googled what is a duvet, and I'm going to show you this picture. Let's see. It would be crink I'm going to show you this picture. Mm-hmm. Let's see. It would be crinkled for us. But you get it. Everyone listening now, you get what a- Yeah, I get it. Yeah, you get the cover.

So then the question was, what grosses me out? Yeah, like if that doesn't- And by the way, I'm trying to be fair. I get you're saying like, no, I don't love the concept of it, but like me with the mic, out of sight, out of mind. What does? What's something where you go wow because i can't imagine what's worse than shit pulling it up to your face it's it's literally being on the bus with people that i'm like oh they just haven't haven't bathed they're not in control of their uh bowel functions

uh they're touching everything i'm trying to touch. They're drunk on the bus. Their sweatpants are in danger of coming off at any second. Yeah, this is the world. This is every day. I'm out there every day. Graham's living, Graham's in the shit. I'm in the shit, man. I'm on that bus.

Sometimes I see the older guy's pants, and I think he hasn't washed them in a while. There's a lot of a while. They look, there's a lot of pee spots. Yeah. You know, they pee and they put their, you know,

their penis. It looks like there's a lot, yeah, their penis. And you look like, I bet that area has a lot of pee all over it. Now,

here's the thing that I've noticed is that older women almost always look very together. I've noticed that if you take the same older woman

and older man and maybe they're both single the older woman is put together like she's going to you know sunday sunday brunch and the guy is wearing the same pair of pants he's worn nine days in a row and some sweatshirt that says a thing on it that he doesn't know it says wu-tang clan or something and and it's just i don't know what it is but there's a point where women just decide they're going to take care of themselves oh my god ever my guys just decide like i'm just going to be disgusting heels until her like mid-90s yeah yeah like my grandmother will not leave the house without like a matching like coat and my

grandfather was dead at 70. Yeah. What a jerk. Yeah. He was just stinking up the joint. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. I will say this.

I admire cleanliness. I think that sort of my mom was this way and so were the Nalabotskis, a family that lived across the street from us. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I really liked their house. But I like when something, it was crazy clean. Like you, there was a sense of calm in that home. Yeah. But what came along with it, and this was pretty much like my family too, there were no rules.

Like we, I had friends, their houses were dirty. You can't go in the kitchen after 10. We could go in the kitchen anytime we want. We could go into any room we wanted. We could do anything we wanted. We could go put our, you know, the dog was allowed up on the sofa and if something broke my parents didn't care if there was you know and so there was not a sense along with the cleanliness did not come a uncomfortable house at all like there wasn't a room that you couldn't know there was

nothing like that at all we were allowed anywhere we wanted and there were just rules but i like that when you go over someone's house and it just seems like what kind of rule clean. It's just clean, but, but still comfortable to live in. There's not rules. I like whites only. Be afraid what you say. But yeah,

just a sense of when you go in someone's house, it's still lived in and comfortable, but you know, it's fucking clean. Yeah. You know, I like that. I feel calm.

I need that. Yeah. My head is already scattered. So I feel calm. I need that. Yeah. Because my head is already scattered. So you need it just to be a nice, where is a place that's in the general public

that you would be like, ah, this is nice. Like, do you go into an Ikea? Do you go to a lot of places? Like, certain hotels,

I definitely feel, you know, like how about a Doubletree? Maybe like a Doubletree or something. the one in, Doubletree is a funny chain because it still has the condensation. Is that the right word?

Condensation? Yeah. Of, of a double tree, but they're actually like the one in center city. You know, it's funny when they go, it's a double tree,

but you'll like it. And then I thought when I get there, I'm like, Oh, this is, it's in the heart of center city and it's really cool. Even in that room there. Is center city a fictitious place?

Like in a comic book? Yeah. Center city? Yeah. What's center city? Is that? Center city is Philadelphia. They call it, I get, why do I call there center city a fictitious place like in a comic book yeah center city yeah what center city is that center city is philadelphia they call it i get why do i call it center city that's what we said it's center city hello oh yeah brotherly love and uh but but definitely you know again i go back to the higher end hotels like you feel a sense of like just getting up in the morning and you feel like a rich person in a movie. That's, you know, like their bathroom,

everything's got a place. And it's like, that's when I feel my, that's my home. I feel pretty, pretty, I got it pretty good. Do you,

do you do all the cleaning or do you bring in a, do you have a cleaning person come in and do some of that? Well, I keep it up, but I do have, I have somebody that comes in once a week and just does it a real thorough cleaning. And that,

and that person is the, I treat her. First of all i admire that profession of housekeeping i think it's a very admirable profession and i like when they take it seriously and this woman about two women that i use they treat it like a business yeah she treats it like a business you know know what i mean is she treats it is a business but not everybody treats it like all right right and she is good at it and uh i respect the fuck out of it and she and her husband have this you know they really

treat it uh just they just come in and they treat it right and she knows that i love looking like when she folds certain things a certain way she'll show me she'll like she'll like maybe spend a little time on the hallway closet and she'll show me. And I know why she shows me because I give her everything she wants. I go, I go, Lillian. I go, I fucking love you. And she like, she laughs at it. She was the only one that she speaks perfect English. Yeah.

She's, she's, no one appreciates it like you. I go, yeah, because that's my whole day is better now because of that. Like she knows. How long is a session? A couple hours? You know, when I didn't have any money and you're broke and I would be, you know, you know how it is sometimes you're like they, they, someone says, well, it's 80. You're like, oh, well you take 60, you know, but now like, believe me, I'm far from loaded,

but I want her to spend time there. So I give her $125 and she's probably there for a reasonable amount of time, but it feels good when you come home and you smell that Clorox in the bathroom and everything. There's just a way they know I'm pretty clean, but I can't get it like she gets it. Yeah. The sofas, there's something that they do. And it's like, wow. That's one thing I'm noticing going back to work.

It's like, we have, we have a dog, we have a baby. Uh, and then, uh, you get home from work and then it's like, well, uh, Abby had no time to clean. And, uh, I, now that I'm home, I have to, someone has to make dinner and the. It would just, there's just no time. There's just no time. So, um, send her up. Yeah. Send Lillian up.

I wish I could get it out of my head. You know, when I was in a relationship and I came home, I don't, when do you finally just say it's impossible? Like nothing's impossible. I get it. Like is analytically the word, but when I would come home and if it wasn't the way I needed it, and I don't mean like in a, in a, in a disrespectful, in a relationship way, like I'd be happy if I would do it. If Chris would just, you know, go just be out of the house when I come home, get, let

me do an hour to put that there. That goes there. Let me get my suitcase. I'm done. Just, you know, go out with your friends. Like I'll do, I'm not like you have this done when I come home. Let me do an hour to put that there. That goes there. Let me get my suitcase undone. Just, you know, go out with your friends. Like, I'll do it. I'm not like, you have this done when I walk in. Not that at all. And I see that with my friend Andrea, and she just got married.

The same thing with her husband. I mean, this guy, it's an up-to-date relationship. They both do everything. Yeah. But when he comes home, she's home all day because she's working out of the house. And I know I feel bad for him because I hear him saying, he goes, I just, he goes, he goes, I can't come in and even go, hey, I need to get the house where I want it. And I sort of defended him a little, even though she's been my like practically sister. I said, Andrea, you know, everything's a bargaining chip.

And I told her, I go, not everything is a bargaining chip, but you should save the things that are. Everything can't be a bargaining chip. That's not a mature relationship. But do you know, I'm stealing a little verbiage from a counselor me and my ex went to. If you do that for him, and by the way, on the weekend, he'll be doing laundry. He'll be mopping. Just when he comes in, he can't get it there. I go, if you do that, you've got a bargaining chip on your end.

There's got to be something you want. But if you give that to him've got a bargaining chip on your end. There's gotta be something you want, but if you give that to him, he's going to be the happiest fuck in the world. But what is so she like, it was like, she's just a, she's sloppy. I'm sure her parents,

he'll by the way, he'd clean before he went to work. This is not a sexist thing at all. He'll wake up at five and do it. It just won't be that way. I go, do you understand that when he comes home, like if you do that,

if you figure out a way to, he will be fucking happy his life is going to be he will return the favor 10 times over because i knew how i felt and i knew when i came home when it was like that i'd be like i was in the best fucking mood walking into a home yeah the way you need it to be is like god thank you so so much but in a case with a kid or something that's when I think you got to put it aside. Cause it's not that you just can't have it. Oh yeah. It just can't happen. Oh yeah.

No, it's, it's like, uh, it was cleaner than I expected it to be when I got home today. It was cleaner than I left it this morning. That's pretty good. Um, but it's like, yeah, it's like, uh, there sure is like, I, I could have swept a little with a baby in my arm. It's like tricks I need to learn. I don't know how I would put it aside. Like, now I'm not in a relationship, so I walk in and the home is exactly the way I like it.

It is a calming feeling. But, you know, I do want to be in another relationship, and I don't know, like, if I want to walk back. That's why I think people probably, what if people were meant to live in, like, if the money like down the road like people live in duplexes and they go and i always picture the little kid going to his dad like well how do people all live in the same home then what was difficult yeah oh yeah it's a little difficult it was a little difficult you know it's not the best way you know you want to be with someone and love them but still need your own space yeah yeah you know isn't that where the whole thing, that like man cave thing? Oh, it does.

It's like, I'm out of that. Well, we're in it, man. Yeah, this is it. Got all these sports jerseys on the wall. Yeah. My neon beer labels. Yeah, hot and cold wings. Hot and cold wings.

Yeah. Hot and cold running wings. Got some awesome amps over there in the corner. Oh, yeah, We can jam. Yeah, sure. Hey, why don't you suck on this harmonica? Do you want to move on to Overheard? Sure, after this message from Doubletree.

So now it's time for a bit of business. Just a bit. Yeah. Guys, don't panic. Yeah. Relax. We'll get right back to uh duvet talk do they yell uh but uh right now it's uh time for uh just to let you guys know that starting next

week it's the max fun drive it's the one time of year when uh we pull out all the stops uh we bring you our best shows of the year uh the most wonderful time of year. And everyone in the Maximum Fun family invites you to join us. Become a donor and support your favorite shows. There are bonus episodes. There are prizes. Gifts. Gifts for donating. Encouraging you to become a new or upgrading donor.

It starts on March 16th. It only runs for two weeks. It's a really exciting time of year here at Stop Podcasting Yourself. Oh, boy. Don't miss it. Be there or be square. Be the change in your pocket. And the other hand is giving a peace sign.

Let's move on to Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard is a segment in which we share things that we've overheard out in the world. Now we usually start with the guest, but because this is your first time, we can start with Dave. Yeah, start with Dave. Yeah, all right. Guys, we've been recording a lot of episodes in short succession. Sure.

Because there's a lot of folks in from out of town. You're Andy Kindlers, you're Todd Glasses. Um, and so I, uh, I don't have a lot of new overheards, but I went through my records. Yeah. And this is one that never, we never, uh, we never did back when it happened. This is from Halloween. Okay. Uh, and in my neighborhood, this is an overseen more than an overheard.

These people in my neighborhood had like a fake graveyard in their yard. I assume it was fake. Yeah, that's true. You know what? What if? What if? What if? Yeah.

But like they had poems. One was, here lies an ugly duck. It was hit by a hockey puck. Aw. Another one was, here lies Cruella DeVille. She died from a very big chill. Okay. I don't think how she dies in that.

Yeah, no, it's because she didn't have that Dalmatian coat. Oh, right. Yeah. So she chilled to death. And the one that made me laugh was someone had on their fake gravestone, R. Oh, right. Yeah. So she chilled to death. And the one that made me laugh was someone had on their fake gravestone R.I.P. Dracula. Oh, yeah.

Just like, like, you didn't get Dracula. You didn't kill Dracula. And if you killed Dracula and put him in a coffin, that's exactly where he would want to be.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He's not going to rest in peace. Only during the day. You didn't get, your little house in Vancouver didn't get the Dracula. Otherwise, there would be like a lineup of tourists. We would have read about it.

Yeah. Stop trying to impress us. I love it. So that's what happens when you're short on overheard. No, I like it. Hey, thanks. My overheard comes from being in a restaurant with a lady who was, I think maybe she was a physical therapist. And she was talking with a client on the phone.

So I hope she's billing. I hope this was billing minutes. But she kept telling whoever it was on the other end to buy a foam roller to roll out a muscle, I guess. And she was just like, yeah, go buy a foam roller. A foam roller. A foam roller. Well, get your husband to do it.

Because I guess the person was like, what? Look, I know that you said foam roller. I don't know what that is. And the person just kept reporting it. And she said, a foam roller. A foam roller. Do you know what a foam roller is? don't know what that is. And the person just kept reporting it. And she said, uh, yeah. A foam roller. A foam roller. Do you know what a foam roller is? It's like this. It's two sheets that are sewn together and there's a... No, Dave,

that's a duvet. What? I think that's the duvet cover. A foam roller. I think she means what you paint with. Oh! Maybe I misunderstood. And you get like one and then roll it out on your... Like, just get a roller From a hardware store Yeah and just cover it in foam

Or get your husband to do it I'm googling foam roller By the way I googled duvet I don't want to talk about it No tell me what it says By the way I hate that the conversation turned into this But what does it say By the way I have to just let go of it.

By the way, I'm totally serious. It has to do with the big deal in life. I always tell people, you know, the reason we don't fix things is because people don't want to be wrong. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. And I'm catching myself in a moment. Like maybe I'm just completely wrong and let

go of that. Um, a duvet in British English, uh, or a comforter in american english is a type of bedding so the duvet i'm still not telling you i think it consists of a soft flat bag filled with down feathers wool silk or a synthetic alternative uh see now i might be wrong with a removable cover oh okay there you go so the whole unit is a duvet oh i thought it was just a removable cover analogous to a pillow and pillowcase it's like calling a pillowcase a pillow you know what i think that most people i'm by the way after my big speech about not being wrong i think most people are going whatever that says yeah it's like calling

a pillow oh yeah oh yeah that's a that's a there's a pillow case and there's a pillow there's a blanket and there's a oh maybe maybe you're right maybe it's a duvet who the fuck gives a shit and i rarely say you did 10 minutes ago well no i still care about the there was a million dollars on the line no no oh well because that's because i thought that you were knew what it was but you were trying to be like you didn't want to admit it because it was not a manly thing. I don't know what a

what do I know about a duvet? How good I am from duvets. What do I know? I sleep in a race car bed. I don't know. I fuck a lot of broads and I don't give a shit. I just put a garbage bag down

so I don't get any of the juices. I take old tissues and put them in a garbage bag and tape it shut. That's my down comforter. I sleep on bones. This is your SNL character. It's a manly no duvet, guys. Overheard. Well, mine's not that big of a deal, but.

Oh, like ours were. Yeah. Foam roller. Foam roller. I heard once a girl say to her friend, and me and my friends, we just mimicked it forever. She went, you know, a pickle is, wait, which way did she say it? She goes, you know, a cucumber is just a pickle. I was like, great. And I know a lot of just a pickle i was like great like and i know a

lot of other stuff that's the way i heard it you know a cucumber is well i don't know if i'm getting it right which way she said it but it doesn't matter she goes you know a cucumber is just a pickle uh-huh yeah uh-huh i'm like oh great you know so much i think we talked about this on the show that i used to think that, like, you know, the cucumbers you get in the store that are, like, long, and the pickles are small. I thought it would shrink down in the pickling juice. In the brine?

But it's a special small pickle that they brine. So a cucumber is a cucumber, and then they turn it into a pickle. A cucumber is a cucumber, but a small cucumber is what they would use for a pickle. And then they make it a pickle. Yeah. I thought they would use, cucumber but a small cucumber is what they would use for a pickle and then they make it a pickle yeah i thought they would use like a giant cucumber and it would get shrunk down magically through the power of vinegar like it just adds part of the part of the process yeah there's a lot of stuff you have in your head i can't think of any now of course but i have some of those like as a full-grown adult yeah oh i found out i'm like what oh i thought soap bopper

i thought it was soap opera till i was 27 instead of oh i thought soap bopper i thought it was soap bopper till i was 27 instead of soap opera yeah soap bopper i go my mom's watching her soap boppers and my friend goes what i go her soap boppers yeah she's like it's soap opera i don't know it's soap bopper regis i thought it was regis philman My friend goes, it's Philbin. I go, no, it's Regis Philbin. Graham says Philbin. I say Philbin. It's Regis Philbin. Yeah.

Change your name. And also, what was the- Yeah, your problem was with Philbin? Yeah. Not with Regis? Somebody I know used to call it, like well into adulthood, Valentine's. But they thought that that, like it was the Valentine's. Yeah, these are the valentines

of our lives yeah these are valentine you know it's like that comedian roger dangerfield i mean you know he couldn't get any um what was his brother from his brother yeah he couldn't get a steam and then uh but then rodney came along and he figured it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, nobody understands this theme. A pickle is just, you know, a pickle is a cucumber. All right. Chill out. It's not fancy. I wish we didn't meet in person.

Now, we also have overheard sent in from people around the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spyatmaximumfun.org. spyatmaximumfun.org. Oh, cool. Got that clean. Did I say it right? Yeah. We'll put that,

well, that'll be our new promo. Send your overheard at, give me it again. I want to try to do it better. SPY. What? SPYatmaximumfun.org. Let's see if I was a voiceover person.

Send your overheard to Tellemgram! The voiceover guy who bails on the line. He's so good at a voiceover guy, he doesn't worry about the details. Ladies and gentlemen, send your overheard to Tell Them Graham. Everyone. The worst.

The worst. Information guy's got the worst voice. Now, this first one, this comes from Mark T. in Colorado. Oh, Mark T.? Yep. Colorado. Oh, I T.? Yep. Colorado. Oh, I was hanging out in Colorado bragging about pancakes. Oh, did I ever tell you about this place I went to in Appleton, Wisconsin?

You did. In Appleton, Wisconsin. Let's hear what Mark T.'s got to say. This evening, as I was walking down the street after a run, I overheard two kids, about seven or eight, struggling to ride their bicycles back up the hill. Two kids, about seven or eight, struggling to ride their bicycles back up the hill. They were both pretending their bikes were motorcycles, complete with improvised vroom-vrooms and other engine sounds. As I passed the kid, the one in front said, with great exasperation to the other, My engine is dying. Then he said, I'm almost out of gas.

Finally, he said, I only have 17 gallons left. Two kids on a bike. Yeah. Oh, that's adorable. That's adorable. I know. That's what, see, to me, that's what comedians, if, if, you know, if you're not, if you're not bitter, they get to do the rest of their lives.

Just be silly. And like, that's just kids. They know they're just getting, just getting into like the gay, they're role-playing. Yeah. I only get 70 gallons left and it's so much fun. And they're just, ah, that's,

that's the best. That's adorable. Yeah. And just like not knowing what a gallon is. Like if you had 70 gallons left, you'd be fine. Yeah. One time me and my brother,

and we still talk about this. We, we were like, I think it was like my cousin or her friend and they were in the back of the car and they were talking about like, you're so this and you're so that, you know? And she goes, you're so poor that you eat bricks for steak.

And me and my brother to this day, well, first of all, for a year after that, that's all we said to each other. We're like, you're so poor, you eat bricks for steak. To this day, my brother, like Christmas, I just, well, I see my family all the time, but my brother will go, you know how poor you are? You eat bricks for steak. We still think that's funny. Yeah. But it's like, if it's said with the right inflection, it would hurt a kid's feelings so bad. You eat bricks for steak.

Fuck you. No, I don't. You eat bricks for steak. I, it's, yeah, I hung out with some people from college on the weekend, and I hadn't seen one of them since, in 10 years. And it was just like, yeah, let's, I don't want to talk about what you're doing now. I want to talk about all of the things we used

to say. Yeah, all the funny. I want to say all the things again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best. Mark T. That was it. That was Mark T.

I want to know if it's Mark T and he's listening. It's nice to get your name in there. Yeah. Mark T. Now this next one. Marky T. I want to know if it's Mark T and he's listening. It's nice to get your name in there. Yeah. Mark T. Now this next one. Marky T, baby. Look at you in your house, sitting on your sofa. Marky T, baby.

What if he just lost his sofa and he's like, oh. Oh, no. You know what? That sofa was a piece of shit. You know what? You're so poor, you eat bricks for a day. This one comes from Nicole T. Nicole.

In Connecticut. I just read this on a Facebook post by a former co-worker. It says, Sebastian from The Little Mermaid is a crab? F you, Wikipedia. Just lost $5. Oh. They just had a Wikipedia bet. What do you think that he thought sebastian was

a lobster right oh little red guy yeah little mermaid oh i thought he maybe thought it was a different character altogether like sebastian was you know the teapot from bill from bell and oh yeah that's true uh beauty and the beast yeah fair enough one time at the comedy works me and my friend jay reisman we were out in the hallway and we we we we did hear him say it but we heard chris kosher this comedian i'm almost positive it's chris kosher annoyed at somebody in the audience and he goes people like you make people like me people like you and we're like did we just hear chris say that people like you. And we're like, did we just hear Chris say that? People like me make people like you. People like you make people like me, people like you.

I love it. That should be a t-shirt. Write that up. People like you make cucumbers into pickles. People like you make people like me make cucumbers into pickles. Now, I'm going to go back to eating my brick because I'm poor. This last one comes from Mark. Mark again? Yeah. Is it last one comes from Mark. Mark again?

Yeah. Is it different Mark? Different Mark. This is, I don't know where he was. He was in the Epcot Pavilion. Would that be in Florida? In Disney World? In Disney World.

Disney heavy overheards this week. Sure. Cruella DeVille. A boy and his father were finishing up in the stall this is in the bathroom uh next to mine the boy exclaims i want to do it flush whirling twirling send it to australia yay yay kid two adorable ones oh boy yep poor Australia too

like that's just what they receive yeah that and criminals now in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls

if you would like to call us our phone number is tell them Todd the phone number to call in with things you overheard is tell them todd oh the phone number to call in with things you overheard is tell them graham who's harold singh 839-832-8 are we taking calls right now 339-339 they can't call right now

206 what is it the phone number to take calls about things you overheard. 826? Now, oh, I got another. I got a better one. Okay. Now, to tell them the number to call to tell us things you overheard, here's Graham. 206. Come on, Graham, take it seriously.

This is not a joke. This is not a joke. No, seriously, everything with you is a joke. You don't want to be serious. Andy Killer, I knew he was right. No, he said you're fun joke You don't want to be serious Andy Killer I knew he was right No he said you're fun But everything Nothing

Everything's Nothing secret to you 206-339-8328 Like these people have Hey guys This is Sophia From Vancouver And I was calling in

With an overheard for you I was on the 99 today And Today is Valentine's Day Which is Sort of important for the story. Maybe not important, but at least an interesting fact. So across from me in my sight line is maybe one of the scariest looking guys I've ever seen, and he's having a phone conversation that goes on and off for about 15 or 20 minutes.

And this is an abridged version of what he was saying. Yeah, buddy, I'll meet you in 15 minutes. Yeah, I will, punk. I'll meet you in 15 minutes. Yeah, I'll fucking spray the whole house up. Yeah, I will. Good. Good.

Good. Ha! Ha! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fucking her last night. Yeah,, yeah. That was fucking her last night. Yeah, it was. That was fucking her last night. And then finally his stop comes and he gets up.

And he turns to the guy that's been sitting next to him this whole time. And he goes, okay, buddy. Plenty of fish in the sea, buddy. And then he leaves. And my personal favorite part was the fact that there was like a five-year-old girl sitting across from him during this entire exchange anyway happy valentine's day okay bye great uh play this play this next one i want you to play yeah my name is tom and uh so i'm on the bus and i'm just well it's probably important to tell you this i'm on way over to a friend's house to spray it up. So I'm just talking to him about it. And this girl's staring at me.

Like, I don't know why, but she's looking at me like I'm, like, weird or something. Like, she doesn't know that I know she's looking at me like I have a problem. So anyway, and then. All right, that bit's over. No, she's looking at me like I remember no detail. Spray it up. What did that mean? Those one-sided conversations.

And you know what sucks? I wish that I would have known you were doing this because I have them in my arsenal, but I can't bring anything. I know. Isn't that always the way? Yeah, but I will now. Now that I know you do this. It's a great bit because it's like-

Fun, right? Yeah, because those one-sided things, you're like, wow. The ones that me and Gary Goldman put a lot of thought into is our friend Dave Rath told us he heard a girl once in the car next to him go, no, no, no, no, no. When I go to Queens, I have a good time. So Dave one night was saying, who was she talking to? So out of nowhere, Gary Goldman, after the conversation had changed for an hour later he goes i just figured it out someone on the other line was saying so we're gonna go to queens my my grandmother's moving into assisted living you know making up anything so we're gonna help her move and uh then after that we're gonna and she

goes no no no when i go to queens i have a good job. I know, but we're going to help. That's the only thing. Why was she saying no, no, no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my good time place is Queens. It's the only place I have. All right, here's your next phone call. Hey, guys. It's Paige calling from Calgary with an overheard.

So I was just standing in the checkout line at Walmart, and there was a young family in front of me, and they had a little boy who's about four years old, and he kept pulling chocolates and candies off the shelf, and he wanted to have a treat. And so at one point, he had this huge sort of family-sized bag of Reese's Pieces, and he was holding them, and he said, oh, I really want this, I want this. And his dad said, well, do you have any money? And he said, no.

Well, no money, no Reese's. And the little boy sort of looked around a little bit, looked to see if anybody was looking, and then tried to shove this giant bag of Reese's pieces into his hoodie pocket to no avail. So it was pretty cute. Yeah. Baby's first. Whatever. Shoplift. Everybody has to shoplift. Yeah. You got to learn your lesson yeah do you have any money no did i shoplift yeah when you were a kid yes yeah i don't want to get into it now but uh you had some time did you graham um yeah i think probably when I was a, the thing, the big thing to steal when I was a kid was there were lighters that if you rub them, the bikini on the lady would disappear.

That was, that was prime, prime real estate. If you could get your hands on a lighter. Where did it go? It just went on its own vacation. It went to Australia? Yeah. The bikini went somewhere cold because it it does all its work in the yeah think warm thoughts yeah exactly uh okay here is your final overheard of 2015

hi uh my name is chloe i'm calling with an overheard all women so i was helping teach art classes to little kids in maine And this one kid out of nowhere went, you know what I thought I was going to get for my birthday? A hot dog. And then didn't explain. Pretty great.

A hot dog. A hot dog. And that you thought you were going to get it for your birthday. Wrapped up in a little present. Hot dog. I asked my dad for a hot dog. I got a feeling this year he's going to come through with a hot dog. I'm going to get a hot dog.

Hey, did you ever get that hot dog you were talking about? Happy birthday. Guess what's in the box. Happy birthday. What'd you get me? You'll love your birthday. Oh my God, it's a hot dog you was talking about. Happy birthday. Guess what's in the box. Happy birthday. What'd you get me? You'll love your birthday. Oh, my God. It's a hot dog.

What was? Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. It's fun. You know what? Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you for being on the. It was a great welcome to Vancouver.

I came right from the airport to the hotel and right to here. So now I'm going to go out and have fun and do everything I said. Yeah, man. Johnny Cash style. Are you guys going out tonight? No, I came right from the airport to the hotel and right to here. So now I'm going to go out and have fun and do everything I said. Yeah, man, Johnny Cash style. Are you guys going out tonight? No, I'm not. You have a baby. Yeah, I never go out again. You have a very beautiful baby with a great name.

Yeah, Margo. Margo. Your hotel, did you check the sheet? Yeah, what's the duvet situation? I have a feeling it's a, I think it is a duvet. I think it's put in and zippered shut. So you can walk. By the the way that's a great hotel Yeah really nice

You're at the Sutton Very fancy I like it Well you have expensive tastes Well you know I bought the hotel Me and Andy Kindler That's going to be a fun hotel They're paying you really well

Well I want to make sure all the comforters Oh yeah you're the CEO And the COO That's going to be a fun hotel. They're paying you really well. Well, I want to make sure all the comforters. Oh, yeah. You're the CEO. I'm the CEO. And the COO. COO? Yeah, I probably would be a CEO. What does CEO mean?

CEO. Chief Executive Officer. Oh, it's CEO? CEO. Chief Executive Officer. COO. Chief Operating Officer. CFO.

Chief Financial Officer. Yeah. CPO Sharky was the show don rickles was on yeah that's right all right now do you have anything you would like to plug at the end of the show well i have a book the tog glass situation that's out on simon and schuster right now uh called the tog glass situation and um other than that um no is that like a is that like a memoir it's yeah it is a little bit about my life and stand-up comedy and my personal life. But that, and then I'm getting, oh, that's about it right now.

That's about it right now. I'm getting ready to do another Netflix special, but there's nothing to plug yet because I don't know when it's going to air. And your podcast? Podcast, The Todd Glass Show, my favorite thing to do in the world. So much fun. So much fun having you here, man. And if you guys come to LA, love to have you on. Sure.

I think you would have a good time. Just watch those kazoos. Watch those. You know what? We'll bring our own kazoos. Oh, yeah, we'll. Yeah. Be well, okay.

Now, next week is the beginning of the Max Fun Drive. Oh, yeah. Where we're going to be asking you listeners to dig deep. Yeah, so prepare yourselves. Get ready asking you listeners to dig deep. Yeah. So prepare yourselves. Get ready. Get your checkbooks out. Yeah.

Is that a thing people do? Yeah, people do that. Balance your checkbooks. And yeah, if you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Picture of Doubletree, I'm sure, will find its way on there somewhere. Picture of those fries that are... Crinkle cutinkle cut crinkle crinkly cut yeah i really did genuinely give double tree a nice endorsement you absolutely did and by the way can i tell you something not that i want anything back because i do but i think that that says a lot yeah hey we might do things other

hotels don't but in the meantime we think you deserve a blanket that is zipped in the thing. There's no way. And it's clean and everything on your bed is clean. They should give you a, like, you should just get a card and you just get to stay there for free. Well, you know what? Get a free Subaru. A Subaru? I was.

I've heard your story. Yeah. Subaru was very, they took care of my mom. I'll tell you that much. Yeah? Yeah. Here's hoping that Doubletree takes care of you. I think they should.

We'll be back. Next week. Yeah. Thanks for listening. here's hoping that Doubletree takes care of you I think they should we'll be back next week yeah thanks for listening if you like the show tell your friend and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself

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