Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 365 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

It's MaxFunDrive 2015, and Ivan Decker returns to talk motorcycles, ice cream, and teenage comedy. To support the show, go to maximumfun.org and click "donate."

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 365 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. The official episode where you can listen to one episode every day for a year and not miss a day. It's great. I'm so excited. Go back and do it.

Yeah, go back to one. We'll wait. And this is also week one of the Max Fun Drive. 2015. Yeah. So, you know, get your checkbooks out. Yeah. Get your coin purses out.

Oh, boy. Smash open that piggy bank. Get that binder full of, like, receipts. Oh, and get your. Check and receipt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And get your binder full of trading cards. Trade them in.

Uh-huh. Get some pocket money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That-huh. Get some pocket money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That your card collecting is finally paying off. Yeah, sell some seeds. For us. Yeah, exactly.

And our guest today, a favorite here on Stop Podcasting Yourself, Mr. Ivan Decker. Oh, you shouldn't have. Ah, but we did, though. All right. Well, it's nice to be here. Thank you for having me back. And good night. Well, you shouldn't have. But we did, though. All right. Well, it's nice to be here. Thank you for having me back. And good night. Well, see you later, everybody.

So great to be back. So great to have you back. Yeah. I'm excited. Should we get to know us? Let's do it. Get to know us. So, Ivan. Yes.

Now, the last time you were here, probably, what would you say, like six months ago? It was episode 266. What? We're one off of 100 episodes since I was here. No, that can't be right. That's two years. Yeah, it was the churros episode. That was the last time I was here.

Did we do one since then? Since churros? For sure. I knew you were churros when you walked in. I think last time I was on, Taylor Swift was still singing country songs. Well, Taylor Swift has never not been. Yeah, that's true. She moved into pop and we're all the luckier for it.

But Trouble wasn't country. It was on the edge. No, no, no. It was dubstep. He means it was on the edge of the radio station. Oh, yeah. Oh, they're so edgy is what they is. Three numbers point, another on the edge of the radio station. Oh, yeah. Oh, they're so edgy, is what they is. Three numbers point, another number the edge.

No, but that was not country at all, that album. That was red. Oh. Was that red? That had that. That had We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. Oh, yeah. That was pure pop.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Thank you. You're right. She really only used country as a gateway. To the south. A gateway to the south. Yeah, and then once you- Get the southerns on board.

Yeah, and where the south goes, the rest of the world follows. Of course. There's such a NASCAR popularity everywhere amongst 14-year-old girls. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. That was her job. year old girls yeah yeah right yeah that was her job that was her her original mission was to get 14 year old girls into nascar it failed and uh it was a mistake but she became a pop star accident

wasn't that danica patrick's that was her gig she was like isn't she a car racer yeah she's she's mostly i think in charge of getting people to sign up to GoDaddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But didn't she drive a car? Like, wasn't that her? Yeah, yeah, that's who she is. She's like the first competitive car driving woman. Yeah, she was the first woman in America to be granted a driver's license. That's true.

I think she was like an open-wheeled racing car at first, and now she might be... Open-wheeled like wagon at first, and now she might be Open-wheeled like wagon wheels? Yep. I believe Danica Pesci got her started on the chuck wagon circuit. Yeah! Okay, open-wheeled chuck wagon.

But now she's NASCAR. Where her number one enemy was a snake. You were on episode 320. Oh, all right. That's right. Welcome back. Well, thank you for having me.

You want to know what we talked about on that one? What did we talk about? Did we talk about Danica Patrick? Yeah, we're not repeating ourselves, are we? Well, let's see. Always with the NASCAR. We talked auctions, Alan Thicke, and turndown service. Oh, yeah.

Todd Glass will be pleased. So, yeah, what's been going on? So so what has happened since i was on last time um i have been doing uh stand up a lot yeah uh i think like development in my life uh i have adult braces now go on i have likealign. I decided to get like Invisalign braces to straighten my teeth because if I want to act in anything, I'd like to not be a villain. You know what? I couldn't tell before. Now, I can see nothing but your Invisalign braces. Yeah.

Well, I don't have them in right now. Okay. How does that work? I take them out to drink beer but i have these like they attach these little bumps on your teeth for them to like clip on those are herpes yeah yeah they uh they give you an std that's actually what straightens your teeth weird but it's a weird thing because it's like basically your teeth are laminated you just have to wear these like mouth guard type things uh every two weeks they change and your teeth are laminated. You just have to wear these like mouth guard type things.

Every two weeks they change and your teeth have moved a little bit. And like when you put the new ones in, it's like tight. And then eventually your teeth move. How long does it pick up? New ones or they give you a set? They give you like a bunch of months, like contact lenses. Like they'll give you like, and then they'll write the date on the bag of like, okay, change them on this date. And I think it's like a year's worth of sets so and then you change them every two weeks has anybody ever

set a record for like how long he's kept just one why would you do i don't know why you do that just to have the record this is a weird thing that i've done i haven't thrown any of them away yet like in case i want to go back once my teeth are straight. Yeah, like maybe you went one step. You do the whole process in reverse. You're like, oh no, wait, I went one too far. They're too straight. So how does it work? You go in to a dentist.

Orthodontist. Orthodontist, right. Yeah. And you say, the Vizzy me. Straight teeth, Matifees, Pee pb's i said that pb's pwis okay and uh you know like an adult man with a job uh-huh and they they were dental insurance no is this coming out of the old pockerino the old the old decker pockerino wow um but yeah this is an investment yeah yeah yeah it's it made It's made me a lot more

Wouldn't it be cheaper To just buy your own Dental insurance And have them pay for it I don't know how insurance works I don't think that It covered Because it's like

Considered cosmetic Oh right Unless they can prove That like The crookedness of your teeth Is causing problems Yeah Then

Like whatever It's causing problems In society I mean it is They were so crooked On the bottom Why do you think that having slightly not straight teeth would qualify you to play a villain yeah i don't know because in movies villains always have crooked teeth can't root for that guy yeah remember in armageddon he got space dementia

in what armageddon oh and then was he a pedophile in Air Force? Con Air. Why would a pedophile be in Air Force One? Get off my son. Sure. But you would think

that the president would have better screening. How did a pedophile get on this plane. Took a wrong turn. Yeah. It's part of the budget cutbacks. Was the daughter in Air Force One the same daughter from Mrs. Doubtfire? Or was the daughter from Mrs. Doubtfire the same daughter from Independence Day? She played the president's daughter at one point.

I don't remember. All right. Well, get back to us. Yeah. But yeah, I guess, who's that guy Walton Goggins? He's got big, giant chompers. That's not a human name.

He's unjustified. Walton Goggins, the name sounds like he has big, googly eyes. Not big teeth. No, he's got these huge chompers, and he always plays a bad guy. Okay. Does he eat a lot of corn? Yeah, he eats a lot of corn. What's he on, Justified?

Yeah. What's the barbecue sauce one? King of Kong. Barbecue sauce. I'm Sons of Anarchy. Why is that barbecue sauce? I guess I'm a motorcycle. Motor barbecue sauce? I guess I meant motorcycle. Motorcycle sauce?

Ron Perlman's got big teeth and he's a good guy. No, isn't he a bad guy on that show? Well, you can root for him anyway. I've never watched it. Anyway, you can't root for anybody if they got weird teeth. Those are the rules of society. I guess. I don't make the rules.

I just got to follow them. But you don't have weird teeth. You just have one that's kind of a. I guess. I don't make the rules. I just gotta follow them. But you don't have weird teeth. You just have one that's kind of a little bit over. And that's the problem is like it's not if they were really crooked

it would be like a caricature feature but they're just crooked enough that it's like when the light shines the wrong way it like puts a shadow

and it makes it look like I'm missing a tooth like a pirate. Oh, that's not good. Yeah, it's annoying. Has there ever been a celebrity with a missing front tooth?

Like permanently? Yeah, like that was their thing. Jim Carrey in Dun's not good. Yeah, it's annoying. Has there ever been a celebrity with a missing front tooth? Like, permanently? Yeah, like that was their thing. Jim Carrey and Duncan Dumber. Yeah. I've got a tiny bit of Lloyd Christmas. Oh, really? Like a little chip? Yeah, but it's not bad enough. You can't see it. It's not bad enough to do anything about it. Um, but, uh, uh, so

you go in and they look in your wallet and they're like, well, it looks good. Yeah. And they say, how do they tell you how long it will take? Uh, yeah. They basically just like make a little plan. It was surprisingly quick.

Tell me how long it'll take. A year. Okay. Only a year? Yeah. And then, and then they go, do they take a mold? Uh, they actually took a mold with They used to do a thing

Where you had to bite down On some clay And like mold it But now they don't do that Now they just skin Yeah They kiss you And they feel every tooth

With their tongue Yeah They get in there That's a good makeup Yeah Make sure you get the back of each tooth. It was in the Kiss Guide in Seventeen Magazine. You guys used to read that?

I read the Seventeen Guide in Kiss Magazine. Seventeen Magazine was like this... I don't know if that was a Canadian-only publication. No, no, no. Seventeen and Sassy and YM. It was all just like. Tiger Beat. Stories of girls whose boob had fallen out at camp.

It was like just that. In YM, that was the say anything column. Yeah. My crush saw me have my period everywhere. Yep, it's exactly that. I knew, I had a friend whose girlfriend in high school, I think she used math or something, and she wrote an article in Young and Modern, and I had to buy a copy to read it. And I felt real bad when I was buying that copy because I looked like a real creep. Is that the most embarrassing magazine you've ever bought?

No. I think Swank. my monthly purchase of swank i just like buying it from the store i don't like getting in the way yeah you gotta talk to that guy weird guy yeah i like asking for it seeing him going to get it the cardboard front yeah on the rack oh yeah those were the days. Okay, so they mold your tooth, and then they mail you a bunch of... You know, you go into the office, and they take... Well, first they do, like, x-rays, and then they... The way they scan your teeth now, like, they don't have to do the biting on the clay.

They put, like, a scanner into your mouth. And I thought they were like, oh, we just scan it now. And I was like, oh, this will be painless and exciting. But it's like... It was like this bottle it was like a big like it looked like those receipt like the things you scan at the check stand and they just like jam that in your mouth it's square like it's not designed to go in your mouth and they're like hold still and they just hold it on your tooth until it beeps and they do it with every tooth and then they get cashier to come over and fuck her over the head.

Yeah, sorry, it's not working. Yeah, just swiping it back and forth. Tendon, it's been called. Yeah. You're at the self-checkout. Yeah. Paper or plastic, would you like? Put it in the bag.

I don't want it. I don't need a bag. Just put it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, so pushy, that machine. Yeah. So then, because I had braces. Did you have braces?

Yeah. Because you would go in and, that machine. Yeah. So then, because I had, did you have braces? Yeah. Because you would go in and they would manually tighten them. And they'd give you new elastics and they'd ask you if you wanted anything special. Yeah, yeah. Well, Halloween's coming up. Give me orange and black. Yeah, you can do the orange and black braces. Well, I'm a supporter of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Give me black and yellow Black and yellow But the Doubles as the Boston Bruins Would kids now Instead of Going through the Embarrassment of having braces

Now they just get this? Yeah I think the Invisalign Is Is The most popular one now Would you embarrass the braces? Ugh It's the worst

That was my stomach. I wasn't... I didn't love them. I kind of loved them. But I think everybody had them. That was the weird thing with me. I was the only kid in my school that didn't have braces as a kid. So I had to have them now.

So you put a paper clip in your mouth? Yeah, I used to staple my lips. That's supposed to mean over top, Ivan. I'm like, it really hurts. Can I be one of you? I loved the whole thing. I was like, they gave me headgear and they were like,

you can just wear it at night. And I was like, no, I'm wearing it all day long. Look at me. I got science in my mouth. And around my neck. I actually attached a my mouth. And around my neck. I actually attached a little harmonica to it as well. When I had braces, because I was in band class, and you couldn't play, you weren't allowed to play.

Can't play the trumpet. Trumpet, yeah. That's what I wanted to play. I wanted to play the trumpet, and they were like, no, nobody with braces. You wanted to play a woodwind? Yeah, that's why I ended up playing clarinet. Look at me now. Ah, you should have played the with braces. You could play a woodwind. Yeah, that's why I ended up playing clarinet. Look at me now.

Ah, you should have played the saxophone. You were so close. No, you had to. You couldn't go straight to saxophone. What? You had to play clarinet first. It was a time when the saxophone was very popular. Oh, yeah.

Bill Clinton was. CNC Music Factory. They got a great saxophone solo. Steely Dan. You know. Really? They wouldn't let you play the saxophone no you had to play clarinet first and then you had a choice it's splintered off over here you could be a saxophone person or an oboe yeah so oboe is also that was down the line where does recorder fit in there you have to do that first yeah oh no it's more than hot cross buns it's

but like there's is there any popular song that has a recorder oh like oh jeez will you be there that michael jackson song from free willie wasn't didn't that have recorder in it was that from free willie yeah i'll be there will you be there hold me yeah there's no recorder in that it starts with a recorder. Do-do-do-do. Are you sure it's not a flute? I don't know. Maybe. That's what I'm saying. What's the difference?

The recorder became less popular once tape recorders were invented. And people got confused. Yeah. They ordered something in the mail and they got a flute. Which also, when you named the recorder, the instrument. Yeah. Who, like was there any kind

of recording before that? Like it must have been confusing from the get-go. Oh, maybe it was like a simple flute that like, oh yeah, I got this melody.

Just play it here and I'll, it'll make it easy to like transcribe or whatever. Yeah, maybe. That's why they call, I don't know,

it's weird. It's also, whoever named the recorder needs to go to hell. Yeah, go to hell, Karl Orff. Karl Orff. That's why they call it. I don't know. It's weird. It's also. Whoever named the recorder needs to go to hell. Yeah, go to hell, Carl Orff. Carl Orff. That's who it was. Did you ever play like a tin whistle?

Did you ever tin whistle when you were a kid? I played a slide whistle. Oh, slide whistles are amazing. Yeah, I played it. Have you seen that dumb video of the guy who makes a carrot into a recorder online? Made me so angry when I saw it. The guy who makes the carrot into like a fishnet? No. Oh, yeah. I saw it. Have you seen the guy who makes the carrot

into like a fishnet? No. Oh yeah, I saw that. That's cool. That sounds cool. But he just has a drill and he's like drilling this carrot.

It's one of those internet videos where it's like what's he doing with this? And then he's like drilling holes in this carrot and then he like

puts a mouthpiece on one end and then like a thing on the other end. And then he's like hold mouthpiece on one end and then like a thing on the other end. And then he's like, hold me. Yeah. Like a river Jordan. Pretty willing.

Like a Michael Jordan. Will you be there? Slam dunk. It was from Space Jam, right? Yep. How far along the braces trail are you? Just long enough that it's, like, really annoying now. Like, I'm at the point.

Give us a time. It's, like, four months. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So, I've got another. It's, like, 2,000 flushes. Yeah.

I'm at about 2,000 flushes. Because, yeah, you're supposed to wear them for 22 hours a day. And you can't. So, basically, like, all your meals, everything has to to be are supposed to be like very regimented so you got that means you got two hours a day to break up and for your oh so you can't eat with them in no you so you eat you have to brush your teeth before you put the back in yeah so you take them out you eat quickly and then you like brush your so i have to carry around like a toothbrush and toothpaste all the time and i have to go into the bathroom and brush my teeth and then put it

back in and strangers always come up to me like why are you brushing your teeth in the bathroom and i'm like i don't know just leave me alone yeah because i like the ambience of the toilets yeah so sue me uh wow yeah so it's that it's like it's high maintenance yeah it's kind of everybody that has had them as like an adult, they always lose weight because you just don't eat as much because you're like, it really stops casual snacking because you're like,

every time you eat, it's a whole big production. That's gone up. Yeah, are you allowed to? I got straighter teeth. Well, yeah, but are you allowed to have sex and wear the Invisalign

or do you have to take them out? You have to brush your teeth during. Yeah. Because I mean, so how many times a day are you brushing your teeth? Every time I eat, so four or five.

I brush mine once a week. But I'm also always flossing. Because they had to widen because they don't pull teeth anymore. If your teeth are crowded, So what they do is they just like sand in between your teeth to add like a bigger gap so the teeth can move in.

So I have these like wide, so stuff gets stuck in there all the time. So every time I eat, I like have to floss. So I'm just like I can see why, yeah. Like I would only eat. What about a soup? What if you just eat a soup? Then you don't have to brush your teeth. Nah, it'll get in there. There's no loopholes?

What about a consummate? If it's clear, like they said, don't drink anything but water. And then day one, I had to go to Calgary and I was working at a comedy club there and I wanted a drink. And I'm like, there's got to be some kind of alcohol I can drink with these in and then i googled it and immediately and it was like

gin tequila they're fine and then i was like gin me yeah yeah yeah i'm now a gin drinker yeah yeah i became a gin and tequila guy wow give me a gin and tequila It's my favorite cocktail. Give me a G and T. I call it the Mexican sailor. It's tequila, gin, and soda. It's great. Do you want to be an actor? No. Hmm. Seems like a lot of trouble to go through for a thing that you're like, I don't really

want to do it. Well, I don't know. I just always have wanted teeth that are straight. And I don't really want to do it. Well, I don't know. I just always have wanted teeth that are straight and I just couldn't, I didn't have braces. Yeah, you don't need an excuse. No, that's true.

I applaud it. I applaud this whole, you know, you're doing something to better yourself. Yeah, sure, I guess. More than I can say for myself. Oh, Graham,

you're a wonderful people. What are you talking about? Oh, thank you. You guys are fantastic. Yeah, you look like you had braces. I myself. Oh, Graham, you're wonderful. What are you talking about? Oh, thank you. You guys are fantastic. Yeah, you look like you had braces. I did. Oh, I hated them so much. I have to wear a night guard, and it's the same thing with like, I mean, I don't have to do anything.

I don't have to wear a night guard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a night guard. Yeah. And here's what I am supposed to do. I have to run it under hot water so it can get nice and bendy. It takes, you know, 10 seconds. I'm too lazy to do. I've run under hot water so I can get nice and bendy. It takes, you know, 10 seconds. I'm

too lazy to do it sometimes. Yeah. And then I'll forget and be like, oh man, I really wanted to eat food. And so I gotta take it out and eat more food. Yeah, that's my whole life right now. Yeah. And then, you gotta

wash it. You put it in, you have to buy the stuff, Effordent or Polydent. Oh, yeah. I have to get that stuff too. Yeah, and it's... Really? For the thing?

Because sometimes, like, if I'm coming up on, like, the end of the two weeks, then I'm like, ah, whatever. I'll just, like, drink, like, you know,

I'll drink, like, beer with it in or whatever because I'm like, even if it turns a little bit yellow, it's fine because I'm throwing it away in two days anyway to put see put a new one or not throwing it away but

saving it in your i throw it on the window but it keeps coming back because it's shaped like a boomerang can't get rid of these things uh but i've got like i've got the effort dent is that what it's called? Yeah. Or no. Oh, Fixident is for putting it in. For yeah, holding it. Fixident and forget it. Yeah. And I've got.

I feel like you shouldn't forget you have dentures. Yeah, I Fixidented two weeks ago. Enter a corn eating contest. I forgot it. Everyone's all like, kids are traumatized because of your jagged, pearly whites

shooting everywhere. Oh, gross. But fix it is to cement the dentures to your gums, right? Yeah, to fix them. Yeah. Fix them in place. But I also,

the last like year or so, Abby and I both started taking Metamucil. Nice. So now like my shopping list consists of

Metamucil and Polydent. That's great. We're ready to go. And Gold Bond medicated powder. Apparently, in North America,

adult diapers for the first time ever have surpassed uh baby diapers oh wow what what is going on adult diapers are the number one diaper and no one is questioning why this is happening just because there's more old people. People are living longer? They're living longer. Oh, okay. I thought I was saying there's no Invisalign for your butt. It's like 50 and 60 year olds are all crapping their pants

suddenly. Oh, it's terrifying. Yeah. I heard a thing about how, you know how China has the one child rule? Yeah. But their population

still keeps going up? Mm-hmm. And it's because they're, it's like, they, they, uh,

there's still people alive. Like, the rule hasn't been around long enough to really take effect. Oh, yeah. So once,

I think the year is 2029 is when it'll even out. But didn't they, haven't they scuttled the one baby rule? I don't know what

they're doing over there. I don't speak Chinese. I? I don't know what they're doing over there. I don't speak Chinese. I don't know. I know that in South America, they wear adult, like the military guards wear adult diapers. I think that was one time. Wasn't that a thing? Yeah, it was just once.

It was like the president visited or something? Or the pope or something? Oh yeah, it was the pope. That's right. Why? And all the people directing traffic were like... They were so excited they were pooing their pants? Yeah, Beatlemania.

No, but it was like... Popomania. Papalmania. You're not going to be... They just wouldn't have a chance to take a break. Right. Like, they'd be working all the time. The crowds would be so big, and they wouldn't get a chance to like head over

to the old commode. Yeah. It's like Times Square on New Year's. You're supposed to wear adult diapers there. Yeah. Really?

Because you can't leave. It's like the worst place to go on New Year's because you go in and then just like it's cordoned off. There's no bathrooms, no anything.

It's just people are jammed from like 6 p.m. till midnight. So people are wearing, they're going out and buying adult diapers. Yeah, because you can't, you can't leave. So people are wearing, they're going out, they're buying out You can't leave. There's no bathrooms in there or there are but they're like very limited. There's no

And if you leave, they won't let you back in Like if you were standing shoulder to shoulder with people, you think you could pee? Do you think you could just like I think you could do it Do you think you could? I don't know. I don't know if you could.

I mean, eventually it would reach a point. Yeah, but wouldn't your bladder sense of shame kick in? No, I would turn at someone I didn't like. You know when you're in a crowd and there's always someone you don't like? You can just pretend you're peeing on them. You're like, oh yeah?

No, I don't think. I think you're peeing on them. You're like, oh yeah? No, I don't think. I think you're all talk. I don't think you'd be able to do it. You don't think I'd be able to do it? No. Can we change the subject? This is a Max Fun Drive episode.

You're right. You're right. You're right. It's been real boring so far. Ivan's teeth, peeing. No, the teeth have been great. these are two things I'm interested in alright okay

anything else any other new developments in the in the world of Ivan not really I still live in the downtown east side

and I ride a Vespa because I you live in a very nice apartment in the downtown east side yeah I got I got pretty lucky you know it's

you've been to his apartment oh yeah you went to Drain Snake yeah yeah, you went to drain snake him. Yeah, yeah. We didn't catch anything though. Yeah. We didn't pull anything out. His drain's fine. The drain is... I just wanted Graham to come over.

Yeah. It was all an elaborate route. Good snaking. And you drive a Vespa. You used to drive a motorcycle. I did. I used to have a motorcycle i did i used to have a motorcycle and like a 50cc scooter and then i split the difference now and i bought like a classic 150cc what is that yeah 150cc is like in between like actual motorcycles what are these words what are ccs and cubic centimeters it's the size of the engine uh but what does that mean what is

like like how fast can it go what do i have it goes like 90 my car maybe has a four liter engine is that a thing yeah yeah yeah it's four liters i forget what the the conversion is that power cubic centimeter to liter no or power it's just empty space in the engine but it's it's displacement so it's yeah like uh torque and power oh i love torque yeah but it can go 90 it'll go yeah because it's technically a motorcycle like anything above 49 cc's you need your motorcycle license for oh really yeah and did you have to like take motorcycle classes yeah really yeah i took a course huh and it was the greatest type of people you could imagine of people? A lot of divorced people. Just trying to, like, she never let me have a motorcycle, but I got one now.

Show her, Carol. Look at my jean jacket. And they're like, you need leather, Steve? I'm gonna, I don't care. Jean? I got both. I got jean jacket with leather sleeves. I'm not gonna get road rash on my sleeves They come here to be lectured by another person

Please come back Carol I'm divorced I sleep in a motorcycle bed Sleep in a sidecar Constantly tipping over And then you go to You take an exam Yeah so you go to uh you take a like an exam yeah so you do the the courses you take are authorized to do your skills test which is like just riding around cones and you can do it on

their bikes okay so that if you drop it you're not wrecking your own motorbike right basically because it's kind of hard to get the feel of it at first uh like the because it is like a very heavy thing and so if it leans too far like the way to get it back up is to accelerate like use the gyroscopic stability oh you gotta use that gyro there's that gyro get that gyron get that gyro uh not the you know what i could go for a gyro um both times because when you when i'm driving getting a driver's license, the... Dave's doing the driving signal with his hand. When I'm getting a driver's license, there's a guy sitting with a clipboard in the passenger seat.

Oh, yeah. But when you get your motorcycle license, there's not a guy. He's on the back with his arms around you. He whispers into your ear, next turn, go left. With his arms around you and a clipboard out front. So you can check your scar. You can see what's going on. They're following you in a car and they have

a walkie-talkie and you wear a radio and they're just close enough that it can transmit. But during my test, I left him behind like so many times because I would be turning left at yellow lights and the light would go yellow and I would go and he would stay and he'd have to be like, come wait for us.

Oh, they did this like, this was on the streets? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, your road check. So you do your skills and then when you have your skills, you can ride, but you can't ride at night, you can't have passengers. And to get your full license,

you have to do an actual road check. A road test. How many passengers can you have? One? Well, I mean, it depends on what country you're in, right? Certain parts of the world can get a whole family on there. And like in the test, they're like, pop a wheelie. Yeah, pop a wheelie.

They go finger that guy. Yeah. Flip him off. Yeah, go experience freedom. Go experience America. Yeah. You have to get off the bike and fight somebody. Yeah, go experience freedom. Go experience America. Yeah. You know. Yeah. You have to get off the bike and fight somebody.

Remember that game Road Rash for Sega? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of that on there. Don't do it. How to whip people with a chain. You would go into a small town and ruin their annual orchid festival. Oh, for sure. Drive in and... Lay a patch on the lawn of a church.

Donuts on the pastor's lawn. Spray mud on the windows. All kinds. You know, regular stuff that you're going to need. You're going to need it. You have to go meet someone's parents.

Meet a potential girlfriend's parents. Oh, yeah. And then she has to get on the back and the dad has to be like, I don't want you going with him.

And she's like, I don't like you anymore, dad. I don't like you anymore, dad. I don't like you anymore, dad. Yeah, you know, like those movies that were edited for television. Dad, I liked you for a while. Now I don't like you anymore. I like you, dad. I'm not in like with you. What if teenagers were more reasonable?

I'm not so sure about our relationship, dad. That is teenagers, all of them. Yeah. Cool. I've never, yeah, I've only, I've ridden a dirt bike. And I'm surprised I didn't break my leg. Because I didn't ride it very far and then I fell off. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Because those things really, you have no idea how much to kind of do the accelerator yeah well was it a standard like you have a clutch right on your yeah it was one that you room yeah but the left hand is the clutch yeah so you can vary i'll go from room right yeah but this one some of them room more yeah yeah yeah this one i've roomed it too hard and it went flying ass over tea kettle i believe is the correct term what's the most ccs the most yeah they can go up like there's like 1200 cc that's a lot of ccs or that one somebody made one that had like a dodge viper engine in it

a dv yeah dv dv ccs um i the only time i've driven anything similar to this was my friend gus had a uh course he had a what is it a moped with the pedals yeah and that activates the motor oh nice yeah i don't know how many cc's that's got i think you can ride those on the bike lane i'm not sure i think you can yeah yeah but they have like the e-b. I think you can ride those on the bike lane. I'm not sure. I think you can, yeah. Yeah. But they have, like, the e-bikes. I think you can ride those on the sidewalk. Yeah.

Now, an e-bike, is that something you vape with? Yeah. I never saw your motorcycle. It was, like, a speedster. Yeah, it was a crotch rocket. Crotch rocket. Lots of plastic. Yeah, it was red.

It was, like, the most most like, I'm 25. I'm buying this thing. Like it was very stereotypical of like a white guy who just broke up with his girlfriend buys this thing. And just watched the movie Akira. Yeah, exactly. I bought the movie Akira. I dated exclusively Asian girls for a couple of years.

Did you get any, did you attract like police? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's the worst. Like there's, owning a bike like that in the city is like the dumbest thing. Because as soon as you shift into second gear, you're going 90. Like the bike is so fast. It's geared so high. It's geared for racing.

So like anytime you're in the city, you're just going like really, really slow just to avoid any kind of cops. And yeah, I got pulled cops and yeah they would I got pulled over all the time I got pulled over three times in one day once really yeah oh wow it just going like not even out of the city you know how fast you were going I did every time one of them was like I was I was coming around a corner and the cops were like you sounded like you were going pretty fast yeah you're like oh i was just doing that with my lips i didn't know you were a bat um did you buy the motorcycle first yeah well no i had a wait a minute i don't know how to do this i had a scooter and then i was like i think i want to upgrade

because i'd ridden the scooter for like a couple years and your girlfriend broke up with me yeah and then i was, you know what? I'm going to get a motorcycle. She broke up with you. She said, if you don't get a motorcycle tomorrow, and then you got it the next day. Her name was Carol. I was very sad.

She left me with nothing but a jean jacket. She just had a jean jacket. I was the guy in that story. It was me. I'm wearing two jean jackets. It'll be fun. Come on, guys. The worst thing about it seems like, because I knew people, I've known people who have

motorcycles and they get so excited when the sun comes out in summertime. And then they have to put on layers of leather in the boiling hot sun. That was the other problem. Because if you're not moving, if you're in traffic, it's just so hot. Because you have all the gear on, all the safety gear. And then you're just sitting there. And the bike itself is like 100 degrees Celsius. Yeah, you have a furnace in your...

It's an engine that you're just sitting on. You're just sitting on an engine with wheels on either side of it. So it's also super hot. That can't be good for the old sperm count count yeah have you counted your sperm uh i have i've got some tweezers i went in there with tweezing get back here you it's hard to keep them separate that's the thing they kept squirming back to the uncounted pile you stay over there yeah maybe get one of those planes with the divided one for you. Oh, man.

Well, let's take a brief break. Yeah. Let's talk about Max Fun Drive. Yes, it is week one of the Max Fun Drive two-week event.

It's the only time of the year where we ask you to donate and support the shows you love. Uh, now Maximum Fun is and has always been and will always be a listener supported network. So the Max Fun Drive happens once a year. It's our best shows of the year, right? We're putting, we've got the guests you love.

Yeah. Ivan. Dinah Shore. Next week. Yeah. yeah well the ghost of dinah shore but yeah pending approval by her ghost agent yeah by we got a ouija board it it broke we lost the letter d it's we might just get ina shore uh but it's uh it, it's, you know, welcome. If you, if you're not a member, welcome to the, the, the possibility of donating to a show. And the, the truth is you can donate 52 weeks a year, but this is the best time to do it because, uh, uh, there are, there are prizes. Yeah.

There are, uh, well, you'll get the sensation of, uh, the sensation of donating to something you love. Yeah, you'll get that tingling on the back of your neck. Yeah. That's not Dinah Shore. Yeah, I'll ASMR you right in the back of the neck. And also, we have challenge donors. So, there are donors who will donate money based on other people donating money. But this is the only time of year that happens.

And it is not a pyramid scheme. Well, I mean, it's still shaped like a pyramid, but it's not a scheme. It's definitely hard to explain. Every year, we wish we could just not talk about the challenge donors, but boy, they give us such juicy money. And you can donate at a wide range of levels. You can donate from all the way down to

five dollars a month up to two hundred dollars a month if you're flush if you've had a good year yeah the turnip crop was ripe and uh i assume turn turn up farmers are some of our richer yeah well and you don't want to you do not want an unripe turnip. I don't get it. On my teeth. Yeah. But you can donate $10, $20, $35. These are on monthly level. Yeah. If you're a current member, thank you very much. And there are bonus episodes that you can listen to. And you can also increase your donation.

And there's some prizes in there for that. We'll get to them incentives later in the show. But if you feel the call to do it, donate right now. Go ahead, write on your computer. You can go to MaximumFun.org and click on Pirate. Yeah, you can donate gold coins, doubloons.

Yeah, any kind of booty from any of the raids you've done. Go to MaximumFun.org and click on Donate. Select the membership level that is right for you and give a credit card and all that jazz. And then pick the shows that you listen to and they all share in the wealth. Yeah, so pick our show. Yeah. We can't stress this enough. Yeah.

You're listening to it. So this should be like a no brainer. This isn't. But this year you don't have to decide between one. You don't have to split loyalties. Yeah. Well. You can say I like these three podcasts.

Yeah. And in the old way it was like I like this one best. And I also like these ones. Yeah. But this year spread the love around. Go to MaximumFun.org right now. Yeah. It'll be a monthly donation, and yeah, we'd so totally appreciate it.

I was going to say we'd super appreciate it, but that's dumb. But you just love riding some tasty waves. Oh, boy. Well, do you want to get back to the show? You know I do. Let's get back to the show. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, Graham, here's what's going on with me.

Not a heck of a lot. You're not riding a motorcycle? No. Here's what's going on with me. I feel like growing up, there were lot of like forms to fill out and at the adjustment bureau yeah and like or just like busy work of like what's your favorite color yeah what's your favorite what do you want to be when you grow up what's your favorite food and i would always say you know a prosciutto or like a big z yeah mozzarella yeah yeah a pizza pie yeah you wanted to own

your own front um but i did like no one not that anyone needs to know anymore but i as a 34 year old man i have decided what my favorite food is. Oh, I was just saying. That's so weird because today I was thinking about like, isn't that weird that people have a favorite food? I think I know what mine is. And you're right. It took like it's now that you have to try every food before you can decide. Like kids who have a favorite food, shut up.

You know nothing. Yeah. Oh, hot dogs? Yeah, okay, fine. You've had a steamy from the ballpark. Although that, I mean. Okay, hot dogs? Yeah, okay, fine. You've had a steamy, a steamy from the ballpark. Although, I mean. Okay, I changed my mind. It's my favorite food.

What is your favorite food? Yeah, what did you land on? You guys get a hundred guesses. Is it watermelon? Is it yours? No. Okay. Is it a cake shaped like something?

Yeah, like a watermelon. All right, you guys give up? Yep. I give up. Ice cream. Ice cream? Okay. My favorite food is ice cream.

Is it a specific kind of ice cream? No. Just any ice cream? I have some I like more than others, but my favorite food, guys. Ice cream. On record, it's ice cream. Okay. But my favorite food, guys.

Ice cream. On record, it's ice cream. Okay. So in the kind of situation where you just have your druthers, like nobody else is around, you're just taking care of Dave. We're all going to die. You just, you're going to have that for, you're just going to eat that for a meal. Well, no, it's not a meal. But like, say Abby and the baby are out,

and you're home, and there's ice cream in the fridge. Look, I want it in addition to a meal. Oh, okay. Also, if there's ice cream in the fridge, that's a disaster. Yeah. It needs to be in the fridge. If there's ice cream in the fridge, it's called milk. It's called cream.

I don't know. Yeah. What's your favorite food, Graham? I don't know. Does it seem like there was a time in your life when this was important information? Oh, yeah. I think so. When was the most recent time?

Like filling out a Facebook profile? Religious views, favorite food. Yeah, no. I think, you know, last time I did my did my taxes i told them if you go out to eat i said tacos you always want to have like a standby because i go to like i eat out all the time because i'm i live alone so i'm always going out for food because i don't want to buy groceries yeah cook and then you have so much food left over and i'm like yeah yeah yeah you, I need to justify it. Anyway. I hear you. You got to have standbys of like, well, I can always have that. That's a thing I can always go and eat.

I think the thing that I can always go eat is a slice of pizza. Of course. That's like, I can. There's never, not any time of day or night that I would feel weird eating a slice of pizza. First thing in the morning, middle of the day, last thing in the night. How come nobody has gotten on board the idea of a breakfast pizza? Well, I think it's been floated. Because I remember distinctly there being like a pizza place that had scrambled eggs on it and bacon.

What would you want on it? That sounds amazing. Like it could be pretty standard, like cheese, bread, But why wouldn't you just have pizza in the morning? Yeah, you're right. You know, it's like when they, they introduced a product called Pepsi AM. It was supposed to be for people

that didn't like drinking coffee. So they're like, this is a Pepsi that you drink in the morning. And people were like, if I want to drink a Pepsi in the morning, I'll just drink a fucking Pepsi. Yeah, you're going to need a special vanilla blue Pepsi. But can you don't need that special vanilla blue Pepsi.

But can you imagine going to a diner? Do you guys have Pepsi AM? Didn't they just rebrand a Pepsi with a green label? Coke. They did it with Coke. Coke Life. Oh, Coke Life. It's got stevia.

It's not sugar. I think I'm thinking of Pepsi. Oh. I know there's a green. Oh, you're thinking of Pepsi Death. Green can Coke. I think of Pepsi Toxic W green. Oh, you're thinking of Pepsi death. Green can coke. I think of Pepsi toxic waste. Yeah, yeah.

Pepsi sludge. Made with poison. What is it, your birthday? Have some swamp water. Oh, it's Ralph Lauren's purple label Pepsi. Oh, gross. No, it is Pepsi true. Ew.

Pepsi true. And it's. It's truth serum. Oh. Yeah. Sony and Pent's Truth Serum. Oh. Yeah. Sony and Pentothal. Yeah. What is yours?

What's your go-to food? Yeah, you had a favorite food. Oh. Not go-to, favorite. My favorite food is... I only discovered it, like, just this year that I even liked it, is gnocchi pasta. It's so good. Oh, gnocchi's really good.

It's like those little potato things with like a tomato sauce. I feel like it's tricky. There's a place on Commercial Drive that does it one of the best I've ever had. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. We'll go gnocchi.

All right. I feel like it's tricky. Okay, gnocchi. I hated it, but then I loved it. Gnocchi is a tricky guy because it can be really bad. Yeah. If it's too soggy? than I loved it. Gnocchi is a tricky guy. It can be really bad.

If it's too soggy? I've had it when it's been real. It's gotta be the exact... I used to do that when I was a kid. When I would eat ice cream. Jam it up. I used to always whip it. My brothers would just eat it as the scoop

but i would always like get the spoon and like stir it up so it looked it was like soft ice cream i think i loved ice cream for a long time now i feel like if i eat uh if i eat it like i can have like a little bit and i'd be like that's perfect but i've eaten a bowl of it then i'm like uh-oh what about ice cream sandwiches better run to times square what ice cream sandwiches yeah they're fine yeah they're great they're fine but i don't then i uh the whole rest of the day i think i've got the like black ring of chocolate around my mouth so it's something there's certain foods that i'll only eat in private and i feel like did anybody here ever eat an ice cream sandwich with braces in? Oh, yeah. I remember watching that go down, and I was like, whoa. This looks like a serious endeavor.

The aftermath of a kid to have eaten an ice cream sandwich with braces. A great thing about living in Canada is you don't get all of the products. You get all of the commercials for the products, but you don't get all of the products. You get all of the commercials for the products. Sure. But you don't get the products necessarily. So, like, my whole life, I grew up seeing commercials for Klondike bars. Right. With the ad, what would you do for a Klondike bar? And people doing, like, crazy things because they love Klondike bars so much.

And then eventually this product comes to Canada and you're like, oh, I'm going to try this. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine. It's hard to eat because the shell cracks. You got nothing to hold. It's a little messy, yeah. It is pretty messy. Same with ice cream sandwiches. I've never had an ice cream sandwich where I'm like, done and done and on to other things. You just gotta be really

good with that wrapper. Yeah, and I'm not. But it's, yeah, it does stick to your mouth work yeah but can i say this uh i saw a picture of christoph waltz eating a hamburger and that has changed the way that i will eat uh like when i get a hamburger this is from one of your embarrassing magazines it's from ym magazine this is from burger times burger? This is from Burger Times. Burger Times? Oh, I love the video game. Oh, the Chris Off Walls issue.

Yeah, we all. Oh, boy, that was so cool. Covered in the mail. But he had it so well together, like there was nothing going to fall out or get on your hands. Oh, really? What was his technique? I always wonder why. He had it folded. He had the wrapper folded back just enough to get like a bite.

But, you know, covered everything. He was probably a slider. He's a really tiny guy oh yeah all actors are tiny and have perfect teeth and yeah it was a slider but it still looks like a giant novelty hamburger yeah um what was your most embarrassing uh magazine purchase oh uh well i will go to you next, Ivan. All right. I think probably that was it. I think that was it.

The why. But I, on several occasions I would buy a hilarious porn magazine and leave it at a friend's house, like at a party. I would leave it on the coffee table, but like under another magazine so that their parents would find it later. Nice. One time I went in college, uh, these girls we knew had a party and there was like six girls living together. And I thought it would be funny to buy a pregnancy test. And then pee on it. And then leave it on top of the trash. That is pretty funny.

That's a good gag. But no one found it. You throw it on top of the trash and there's already eight of them in there. Yeah. Oh, man. Most embarrassing magazine purchase? I'm trying to think. It was probably like Maxim or something like that.

Like when I was... Or PC Gamer. I used to buy PC Gamer magazine because it had a disc of demos you could play like before you could just like download demos you could just like you had the disc and it would be like here's what's coming up soon and you'd play like 10 minutes of redneck rampage and be like this game's stupid Maxim I remember the last time that I bought like I was maybe 21 and I was on an airplane

and a lady across the aisle from me was laughing at me oh man I can't buy this anymore I bought the rolling stone that had Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen on the cover right when they got old enough to be sexy to be legally sexy enough to be sexy.

To be legally sexy? Yeah, to be legally sexy. That was a real dark time in history. To be sold as legally sexy. Is anyone else, are there people currently doing countdown websites for young female celebrities? Oh, for sure. I just wouldn't know who.

What happened to the Olsen twins? Last I heard was they were involved in the Heath Ledger situation. Oh yeah, one of them was. He was in Mary Kate's apartment was where he died. But they are... They're billionaires. They do fashion things.

Okay. What about Zack and Cody? They're dead. Murder-suicide. They got buried in the same casket. I am holding a shoulder. The sweet death of Zack and Cody. But they put in their will.

They're like, don't put us in a 69 position. Too bad. Oh, that reminds me. I need to update my will. I just remember Maxim Magazine would take like occasional, maybe it was FHM or stuff. Yeah. And they would take women who were like cute, but make them do like the sexy. Oh yeah.

Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is the one that came to mind for me as well. Sexy Rachel Ray. There was sexy. She's wearing a sexy apron. Sexy. Finally. Mythbuster lady. Oh. Sexy Melissa Joan

Hart. Yep. That was a big one. But yeah, like it was when I was reading it on the plane, I got so embarrassed. I never read it again. They got jokes in here. Yeah. Oh, and it also tells you how to barbecue a whole pig.

Have you ever learned anything worthwhile from one of those magazines? There was a thing about how to do a tracheotomy

or whatever. Oh, the pen? Yeah. That's a lie, though. They tell you not to do that because there's so much blood.

I would put it in sideways. It's like he's wearing a bow tie. Oh, yeah, you've made his breathing much more difficult. You've made blood able to come out of him a lot faster. Oh, yeah, you've made his breathing much more difficult.

You've made blood able to come out of him a lot faster. I just put a fountain pen in there. You just stabbed him with a fountain pen. You just filled his lungs with ink. At least we'll know. At least we'll know. The ink will form a map of what his lungs look like. What you should do is some of that chocolate shell.

Yeah. And then you can pull out these great chocolate lung. You know what? I learned how to undo a bra with one hand from Maxim Magazine. And it has come in handy for years. Really? Yeah. I don't need to impress my wife.

Yeah, she'd be like, where'd you learn this? I use two hands and a foot. Because I was so terrified of that. There's that stereotype of the high school kid who can't get a bra off. So I was very determined to not be that guy. The first time I took a girl's bra off I had done my research I read up on it

But there's no guy equivalent That are sock garters Well they can be complicated Belts? I think certain belts Yeah I guess if you got like a crazy belt buckle Yeah Okay fair enough I once bought a woman's shirt

For you? Yeah for me Yeah. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Do you know, I once bought a woman's shirt. For you? Go on. Yeah, for me. Off of a lady on the street? I was in high school, and it was a bowling shirt. Oh, yeah. And it fit me perfectly, and it was a cool, like, 70s thing. Yeah.

And the name on it said Doris. That's pretty funny. But it had the boob darts. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? No. Yeah, the stitching that is made for voluptuousness underneath the shirt. That is so much I don't know.

But the other thing that was different about it was that it buttoned on the other side. Yeah. And I guess that was because women... Do you want to know the reason for that? I know the scientific reason for the buttons. The scientific reason. Well, the historical reason for the buttons that's scientific reason well the historical reason go for it the reason why uh is because fancy ladies would often be dressed by slaves so they would have the buttons on the other side because they were being buttoned up by

somebody else and guys guys shirts button this way because they always wore swords on their left hip and if they pulled their sword out they didn't didn't want to get caught on the shirt or the jacket or whatever it was. So you didn't want to look like a fool getting your sword caught in your shirt. That's true. And the reason I bring that up is because maybe a woman undoing a man's shirt would be like, what? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess. The buttons are all over the place.

I guess that's the hard thing. That's why they invented snap button shirts in the 70s. For all that brrank. It's super cool. Yeah. To just tear it open. It's the best. Some bras open from the front.

Then what do you do? What? Yeah, yeah. Some of them front clasp. You need a note then. Like you go in the back and you're like, what? I've never received front broad training front broad training

yeah you're gonna have to handle this one yourself yeah huh uh yeah oh yeah like the uh in uh

Fast Times at Ridgemont High yeah right front front clasp oh yeah I've seen that in movies a lot that's always I think maybe it was invented

specifically for Hollywood yeah yeah there's a squib under there yeah looks like they got shot with a gun I think maybe it was invented specifically for Hollywood. Yeah. There's a squib under there. Looks like they got shot with a gun. Oh, why is there so much blood? We got the wrong kind of squib.

We were supposed to get bra squibs. Meanwhile, some action movie. The guy's just like, my shirt. Yeah, I was supposed to be shot. We almost named our daughter Squib. Oh, yeah? I just think it's pretty. Squib Shumka. That's a good name.

So, yeah, that's what's going on with me. Ice cream is my favorite food. All right. I love it. Don't avoid the kind that has the first ingredient as modified milk ingredients. Oh, yeah. That's not real. Even if it's fancy.

That's not real cream. You want that real cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah's not real. Even if it's fancy. That's not real cream. You want that real cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you attach rules to everything around me. There's a new, like, there's a lot of fancy ice cream stores that have opened. Yeah. Around town. There's that new one in Gastown.

Have you gone to that one? Oh, yeah. I saw a big lineup outside of it. All these stores have giant lineups outside of it. Yeah. Because they only open for like an hour every day. Yeah. Because it's winter.

Yeah. See, I bet you I could eat a lot of that type of ice cream, but I think it's the cheapo stuff that's made with whatever you said. Modified milk. I bet you that's the thing that's making me ill. The fake chocolate. Also, like soft serve that you get from McDonald's or whatever. Oh, no, I love that.

That's made up. It's all good, guys. It's my favorite food. It's made of ladybug shells. Isn't that what they make it? Red? Sure. A strawberry? It's all good, guys. It's my favorite food. It's made of ladybug shells. Isn't that what they make it? Red? Sure. A strawberry?

It's fine. Oh, I think it's made out of urban legends. Crushed up urban legends. What's going on with you, my friend? Last night, as I sometimes do, I get an opportunity to, uh, open for an out of towner who's, uh, performing comedy in this city. And, uh, I got, I got asked if I was available to do it last week and I was like, yeah, I can, I would, I would love to.

Um, and it was for a gentleman, uh, named Bo Burnham, who is a piano man. He's a piano man. And he's, he's a very young man. 25. He's 25. Got a motorcycle? Probably. Well, I mean, he's very tall.

He would have to have a very tall motorcycle. Oh, like one of those double-decker motorcycles? Or just one with one giant wheel. You know, one of those. Somebody's got to get on that. We need a penny-farthing motorcycle. We need breakfast pizza. Yeah.

And I told Ivan this the other night, and then we were looking at his Twitter feed, and one of his tweets had more retweets than I have followers. Oh, yeah. And it wasn't even a, it was just a standard, you know, hey, what, this is going on kind of tweet. You know what's great? Burritos. Yeah. And it was, anyways.

A million. He's huge. Where was the performance? At the Vogue Theater. The Vogue. And sold out. Mm-hmm. And I have never.

Who was in the crowd? Well, that's the thing. I've never seen a crowd like this ever. It was largely women, and they went nuts, like screaming the whole show, like the Beatles. Like when Justin Timberlake hosts SNL? Yes, yes. It was like that. I've never seen anything like not for a comedy show.

Yeah. And that's what this guy does. He's like, you know, he does sing like songs that are kind of serious ish. Yeah. But they're all, it's all funny. It's a big, and it's a big like theatrical show. But I was like, when I walked out, like the girls, they were just screaming and it was, it was crazy. I just.

You're like, what's his name? Who played the Joker? You know the Riddler? Oh, Frank Gorshin? Yeah. You're like Frank Gorshin on the Ed Sullivan show the same night as the Beatles. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was like somebody's dad who was coming downstairs and being like, what's going on down here?

So I was very young. The kids are supposed to be asleep. Young women, mostly? Well, maybe I'm wrong in saying that it was mostly women, but they were the most vocal. Yeah, of course. And yeah, it was mostly, it was all. A lot of dudes. It was all young people.

And because he's, you know, YouTube. Yeah, it's so weird, the like, that sort of star system that just no one knows about except for people who are involved in it. Like the YouTube stars of the world. But like people I was on. Or the Vine stars even. Yeah, or Vine stars. Like it's crazy. I was on Twitter like looking at

because it just became very fascinating to me and like people were like oh, I haven't seen Bo Burnham since i was in grade nine and i'm like well how old are you now like it can't have been that he hasn't been around that long yeah like this is you know he kind of broke i think when he was 19 or something and so yeah now he would be like an old vet on the uh on the vine circuit Be like, anyways, it was crazy. I've never seen anything like that for a comic.

And how did they treat you? Fine. It was fine. But I think it was very much like, I told them off the bat, I was like, literally you have to listen to me for the next 15 minutes. Yeah.

Like no matter what, no matter what you do. Yeah. Yeah. When you open, it's always weird because I think that people don't know how long openers do. So I always find that whenever I'm opening for somebody that people are very excited to see, they'll be really on board, but then after five minutes, they're just kind of like,

well, how long is this guy? Are we at a festival? It's been a long time. He's been on for, you don't really do like 20 minutes half an hour to warm up yeah and you do that and then sometimes there's an intermission and then like people are just very like mad yeah so i always try to say off the top i'm like listen i'm gonna be up here for 20 minutes yeah i was like i'm gonna be here for 15 minutes and there's nothing you can do about it yeah so. So just learn to enjoy it.

Here's some jokes. Yeah. They're funny. I'm funny. Yeah. I'm a funny person. I'm fine. Yeah.

I'm like your uncle. Yeah. You know, fun uncle. Oh, well, he's not here yet. I'm your fun uncle. Like, they were just, yeah, the whole night they were screaming. Like, it was crazy. Because even, I can't picture.

So like during setups, there's no quiet moment? No, there was. But, you know, he does the song and then they go crazy and then they go crazy at the end of the song. What? I don't, that response is so weird for me. It's weird. Like, it didn't take anything. There was no announcement or anything just the lights

changed and they went crazy well screaming you know i got i don't know anyways it was fine he was nice nice guy and yeah uh but like that's gotta be a very strange because i think probably the oldest person there probably was like 26 probably you yeah it was probably me yeah yeah it was and it's that's also i've never opened for somebody that young yeah so that's the beginning now i'm on the other end of that oh no world yeah well that's that was bound to happen yeah if i stayed doing long enough, that was going to be the end result. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know.

You should have gone out there and just had a bad attitude about it. He should be opening for me. I got funny. I can be funny for six seconds on video. Oh, look. I would love to. Magic. I spilled a to. Look, magic. I spilled a thing.

Whoops. Is this a Vine star? Yeah. Yeah. I don't, there's whole Vine festivals. I talked about this on the podcast where there was like a Vine festival and they would bring up like 10 cute boys and then they all just dance to DJ music. Because they don't have a thing that they do.

Oh, yeah. They don't have a show. They just, like, their thing is like, watch me make a dunk with a football. Yeah. You know, and you're like, well. You know when you dunk a football to win? No, but that's like, that's a perfect vine, somebody dunking a football. Sure.

In like a dunk tank? Yeah. In like mustard? like that's a perfect vine somebody dunking a football sure in like a dunk tank yeah in like mustard but like uh in some coffee and then they take a bite out of it yeah these are all good vines guys dunking footballs but then like subscribe to our vine channel but then they just go on stage and just dance to dj music and girls scream for an hour and the dads the dads is the best part i love those the dad's pen those photos like with the dads at one direction yeah dads at one direction or dads like it's just the greatest of like the teenage there's their odds are you're gonna have to do that i look forward to it yeah it's gonna be so great but it's gonna be some weird type of music yeah one direction is

gonna be old yeah then it's gonna be like you know just crazy gleeps and glorps i'd say there's already crazy gleeps and glorps i don't think pop music will change that yeah it's gonna be always gonna be poppy fresh-faced young man but what is the what is the worst case scenario like what type of music do we that we would absolutely jazz jazz comes back like death metal becomes the popular you know it's just that like yeah the cookie monster vocals i don't think it will because it requires effort to listen to. You know what I mean? I would have thought that about dubstep.

Yeah, but no one's bringing their dad to a dubstep concert. I do. No, it's been like a straight line from, you know, Bay City Rollers to New Kids on the Block to One Direction. That's true. With Backstreet boys and in sync in the middle so there's got to be just a group of cute boys that say yeah and it's all this girl everybody's having a fun time party girl you're the girl we're having a party i'm the girl

yeah exactly that's every pop song forever that's totally a girl with giant headgear who said that I'm the girl even me it looked like it was singing right to me I'm definitely in love oh yeah hey we are

we are party girls I'm Jeffrey this is my brother dill von uh we've got uh the this is our bassist free willy there's the ugly one over there yeah we didn't name him yeah and jacob our manager. He's on stage now. He's got a satin jacket. It's part of the show. We are satin jacket. That comes back in a big way? Yeah, why not?

So funny. They have a poster. Did you have any embarrassing posters in your room as a teenager? Here's my complete list of posters lamborghini i had i had wayne gretzky skating in front of the planet said wayne's world i had randall cunningham uh standing in front of some building it said uh randall's world something forget what it said i had a building a poster i inherited from a brother of a guy skiing into the ocean that's pretty good those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it all right yeah uh then i had um uh the uh i once mentioned this picture of Ukrainian pole vault.

Sergey Bubka. That's pretty great. Mostly athletes, yeah. Nice. I had a picture that was supposed, I think, at some point, supposed to be in my dad's office, but it got sent to our house by mistake, and I hung it up in my room, and it was of a chimpanzee working in an office oh nice so that was anything about mondays no but it was like you know he had a chart in the background yeah you know something about bananas or whatever and uh and then i had

one of uh remember those reed posters oh yeah i had the one michael j fox oh he had a skeleton hand and he was reading step King's Skeleton Crew. Yeah. And I had definitely had elf posters. Nice. Tons of elf posters. But in junior high, my locker mate kept putting up pictures of all the girls from 90210. All right.

Hubba hubba. Gabrielle Carteris. There was only one, like Jenny Garth was good looking. Uh-huh. Yeah. Shannon Doherty.

Yeah, but she was kind of high-waisted jeans. Am I right, everybody? Yeah. Look at that mom bum. She had a bad attitude. And then

Tony Spelling. Oh, yeah. And then I tried to put up a picture of two elephants having sex, and he tore it down. You're harshing my bone, dog. Trying to get a good bone on before man.

Guys, I didn't know any boys who watched 90210. No, but that's weird. He got his hands on a magazine, and these were the locker posters. He had a whole system. I think he stole that magazine from him. Sure, yeah. Yeah. I like it when they put out a one volume magazine of like,

Avril Lavigne magazine. Yeah. Well, I doubt the journalistic integrity. But then you flip and it's like, Avril Lavigne sits down with A.O. Scott. Oh. Scott's her favorite movie. What was on your wall? I had dinosaur posters for way too long.

Like I was late in high school. I had a poster from, it was a promotional poster for Jurassic Park 2 that I bought at Blockbuster Video of a raptor that just said, you are what I eat. It's like the worst pun. Not even a pun, not even a pun. You are what I eat.

You are what I eat. And it was like a raptor, like, ah. And there was ferns. Oh, nice. That's good. That is pretty good. Oh, yeah. I would sometimes hang up posters that I would get for free at the video store. There's ferns Oh nice That's good That is pretty good Oh yeah I would sometimes

Hang up posters That I would get for free At the video store So I had a poster Of the Steve Martin movie My Blue Heaven Wow nice Steve Martin and Rick Moranis

Oh yeah Yeah And uh Is that Nora Ephron? Maybe Yeah It was Is there still a market

For posters? Like is Poster World Still a store You can go to? Does Imaginus still come to every college campus? Oh, absolutely. Because, you know, you got to have one tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor. Yeah.

Or what I really learned in school. It's got a bunch of pictures of beers. Yep. Or student crossing. A drunk guy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's Nora Eph afron i had a friend it was based on the uh same guy as uh uh goodfellas oh yeah the uh henry hill yeah and then he also uh he was like the subject of like uh one of those 30 for 30 documentaries about like fixing basketball games yeah anyways uh but did you have like a friend who had an older brother who had like naked ladies on his i had a neighbor yeah yeah on his wall on his wall yeah like yeah that was it like that's like that weird there's a brief period in adolescent manhood where you're like, having naked girls on your wall is the coolest thing ever. And then very quickly you're like, ugh.

My parents were letting me convert the basement into my bedroom. This was in the basement room. Yeah. His name was Steve. My buddy's dad had a nudie calendar in his garage. Oh, yeah. Where he worked on his car. Yeah, I had a friend whose dad had a, like, nudie calendar in his garage. Oh, yeah. Where he worked on his car. Yeah, I had a friend whose dad had that.

Oh, yeah, no. That's, like, classy compared to, like... Hey, you took all these pictures of women urinating. What? In print? On the wall? Yeah. Gross.

You had that. No, it was never that far. Gross. Look at these women in adult diapers waiting for the Pope? Yeah. Gross. You had that. No, it was never that far. Look at these women in their diapers waiting for the Pope to arrive.

No, these posters would be mostly like a naked lady playing tennis or something like that. Or a naked

lady skiing and it would say, ski bomb. Ski bomb. Was there yellow snow? No, no, no. No, these weren't.

Your neighbor was some kind of freak. How do you even get physical copies of those? He printed them himself? Not even from a magazine? He just drew it in the urn Yeah Anyways Do we want to take a break?

Yeah let's take a break Guess what everybody It's time to talk about the Max Fun Drive again Oh I thought you were going to Talk to me about what happens after I die. That's after this. So stay tuned. Oh, that's all I need. Now, Maximum Fun, you may or may not know, is a listener-supported network.

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overheard yeah overheard overheard it's a segment in which we all share in the greatness of being able to use our eyes and our ears and your hands, nobody's ever sent in a Braille overheard. Yeah, and over-felt. Yeah. Or an over-smelt. Or an over-dealt. What have we gotten? We've gotten over-drimmed.

Drimmed, for sure. We got an over-acted once where someone made us act out. Like holding a tray. Yeah, and then like over-experienced where it actually happened a tray. Yeah, and then like over-experienced where it actually happened to them. We've had under herds. Undergrads.

And we always like to start with the guest. That means you, Ivan. Well, I live in the downtown Eastside, as we mentioned. And I do a lot of walking and uh this i was walking by uh like just on hastings street and i was walking there was a bench there was a homeless guy there and i came in like halfway through the conversation yeah but he was talking to this like

business lady and all i heard him say was yeah i know what time it is because of the sun. And then she goes, how? And he goes, it's shining on that clock. And then pointed at a clock that was on a building. So he zinged her. Wow. Yeah, good zing. Yeah, that is a pretty good zing. Oh, man, good for him talking to a business lady.

Yeah. I mean, I get intimidated by any business person Yeah If I see a pants And I'm home full I'm not even home less Yeah Yeah, if I see somebody in a matching top and bottom

Pajamas, it doesn't matter Yeah I get out of there You, yeah, immediately Sir? Madam? Yes, Superman? Superman?

Madam? Superman? Wonder Madam? Yes. Superman? Superman? Madam? Superman? Wonder Madam? Wonder Madam! That's the appropriate way. Yeah, in the 30s she was Wonder Lady. Yeah. But the polite way of addressing her is,

Wonder Madam? Can I hold open the door of your invisible jet? Was that what she had? Uh-huh. Yep. Hmm. But she wasn't invisible in it. You could see her.

Oh, you could see her just squatting in the sky. Yeah. With her lasso of truth telling, hanging, dangling from her wonder belt. Dave, do you have an overheard? Oh, boy, do I? Mm-hmm. I don't know. Do I?

Do you guys know this is an overseen like a bus ad I saw. Do you know who Jim Lovell is? He's an astronaut. He was an astronaut. He was portrayed by Tom Hanks in Apollo 13.

Yeah. And he was also on the Apollo 8 mission that went near the moon Didn't go in the moon Didn't go right in Didn't go through the moon They didn't land on the moon I think they were the first one to enter the lunar orbit

Ah yes To make sure that it had an orbit And I saw an ad for An Omega watch And Omegas are the watches that you wear if you want to fuck the moon yeah yeah yeah you want to impress some moon all the astronauts wore these or uh and daniel craig as james bond those are the big people who wear this watch pretty good list yeah pretty exclusive list um and uh it was just an ad it made me laugh it was a quote on an ad and it said uh

the moon is essentially gray jim lovell what yeah thanks thanks uh astronaut essentially gray thanks rocket scientist oh man i watched uh i could have figured that out yeah yeah you didn't need to go to the moon Yeah we can all see the moon Sometimes it's like orange If there's a nice pretty sunset Yeah or if you're wearing Rose colored glasses

There's a murder I watched Gravity the other night I don't ever want to go to space Nah too scary There are local people Who are shortlisted to go to Mars. No? Nah, too scary. There's, um, there are local people who are shortlisted to go to Mars. Oh, really? I heard that whole thing fell apart.

Is this the virgin guy's Mars mission or the other one? I don't know. Is the other one... Lance Bass? Uh, yeah. He's bankrolling a mission to Mars. Nah, I think it's the Tesla guy. The head of Tesla, whatever that guy is. Elon Musk.

Elon Musk, yeah. He invented Musk. He's got a Mars plan that would not be one-way. Because there was a one-way Mars plan. I think this is a one-way Mars plan. So isn't that just publicly funded suicide? Yeah, pretty much. No, I think they're both privately funded.

Oh, okay. Well, then it's different. I don't want my tax dollars going towards that guy's suicide i have to stick around yeah yeah that guy gets the cool suicide money my suicide why yeah because what's the point like they know the person's gonna well people want them well they want to colonize it they want to hope that you know maybe eventually maybe eventually if they survive long enough, they'll send more. So, but what do they do? They send them out that way.

They get there. They build a little colony. Hopefully. Just the one guy? No, it would be... It's like a bunch of people that like signed up. These people volunteer.

Yeah, there's a list of a hundred people they've windowed it down to. And I think once you get made up, you make it to the 100 list, 90 of you will drop out because you're like, no way.

I was doing this to get followers on Twitter. I was doing this for Buzz. I was doing this to spite an ex-girlfriend. Fine, then I'm going to Mars. Oh, Carol. I'm going to get a motorcycle to Mars. I'm in my denim space suit.

Biker mice from Mars. Yeah, so they... Yeah? Isn't... Didn't Stephen Hawking, he said like, yeah, the human race is doomed without colonizing other planets. Oh, brother.

Oh, boy, I'm so tired of that guy. Sure. Ever since he won an Oscar. Makes you so big. He's playing himself. Yeah, we're doomed. Yeah, himself. Yeah, we're doomed. Yeah, I think, for sure, we're doomed. I don't know.

Well, but that was... We do. We rocked it, though. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Let's hear it for humanity, guys. Yeah. We came up with... We really showed those sea turtles.

Yeah, did they invent scones? No. No. Did they invent gnocchi? Yeah. Hey, trees, we just cut a hole through you so we could drive our cars through it. Vroom, vroom. My overheard was a guy on the bus.

Oh, classic. He was talking to somebody on the phone, but I guess like a person who didn't know them well enough. Anyways, he was telling him what he did for a living. And he was like, I chop meat for a living. And then I was like, ooh, do tell. And then I could just hear his side of the conversation. He was like, let me ask you, how much you paying for ground beef? That's too much. No matter what you answer.

It didn't matter. Chop. So a butcher. He's a butcher? Why would you say chop meat? I think there's a definite reason he said chop meat. Yeah, I'm not allowed to call myself a butcher. I tried calling myself a butcher and I got fined.

Flunked out of butcher school. The butcher's league came after him. The guild. You can turn the crank on the meat grinder that's it yeah look a meat's gonna get chopped you ain't the one chopping it yeah don't slice a meat don't chop a meat you don't spice a meat a ball um yeah anyways what do you guys tell like what are you guys paying for ground beef? I have no idea. Whatever it says on the front of the package.

I would have said something ridiculous. Uh, $15 a gram. Yeah. Just for him to be like, what? Oh, it's Kobe ground beef. Yeah, Kobe, and I get it. They served in a velvet box. From Kobe Bryant.

Yep. Same thing, right? Kobe beef and Kobe Bryant? Yep. Same thing, right? Kobe beef and Kobe Bryant? Yep. Same guy? It's Japanese beef that's been massaged by Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant.

Oh, man. Those cows should be so lucky. It's cows, right? Kobe beef comes from cows? Beef, still cow. Yep. Still? I thought we would have

made it past that by now. You've been out of the meat game a long time, but the words for the things are still the things. But what is Kobe beef? Is it really a massage thing? I don't know. They get rubbed down or something? It's a Japanese cow. Yeah.

Do you want me to look it up? No, no, no. No, no. Special kind of cow. I had my chance to have an opening with that meat chopper. Yeah, but. Oh, maybe he's just a murderer. Oh, yeah.

He never specified what kind of meat. Yeah. Although a lot of murderers would love to call themselves butchers. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Or do you think the media. They want the newspaper to call them a butcher for sure. Yeah, the media is probably.

And they're like, I'm more like a surgeon. Yeah. I guess when you say you butchered something you didn't do a good job of it. I think that's disrespectful to butchers. Yeah. Because butchers put a lot of time and effort in cutting up animals correctly, and then somebody just goes

crazy with a machete, and they're like, hey, butchered them, and all the butchers are like, hey! Hey, come on, you guys don't want to do this work. We do the dirty work so you can eat your meat without thinking about it. Yeah, but if you see a guy who's like not an altogether good guy, you're like, he's a garbage man. What on garbage men don't feel good about that?

That's true. You know, there's just some... They call themselves sanitation experts now. Yeah. No. Well, the guys that work in the sewers, what do they call themselves? Don't they call themselves... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sewers? What do they call themselves? Don't they call themselves? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They probably get paid a lot of money. Chud money. Chud?

The chuds? Now, we also have overheards that people have sent in from around the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. Oh, and by the way uh this is episode 365 yeah how many unread messages do we have in our uh our email account right now oh 365 that's right wow yeah cool so great we're we're pretty far behind in our over seren um dilipity this is uh from ashley w in st louis missouri and uh this was she was at in california this is a sign that she saw i still think it's really funny uh how arnold schwarzenegger pronounces california california is that it no oh um this is the sign that says, and it's very specific, because I've never seen a sign like this at a pool, but it was an official sign.

It's not handwritten. It said, persons having currently active diarrhea or who have had active diarrhea within the previous 14 days shall not be allowed to enter the pool water so let me just check my diarrhea journal this is like it's the best. This is like converting me. I don't really hate poo and pee, but I'm like, I'm on board. Scatological humor? Yeah.

Getting into it. Yeah. Squee, ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Squee out your ba-da-ba. Stop it. Oh, why? On a donor episode of all episodes. I know.

Sorry, everybody. What are you, in a pool? Yeah, I can see that being gross. Yeah. Yeah. Even with a net on your swim trunks. A net for a cello? Yeah.

What is that netting for? Next call. This next one comes from Scott H. in Paris, France. Ooh la la. Now, I don't speak French, so this is going to be rough. But while waiting to cross the street, we heard an 11-year-old kid talking to his dad about a shop being closed before shouting to him, arrêtez me toucher. Les fesses, je suis pourtant amoureux.

Pretty good French, Graham. Roughly translated as, stop touching my butt, I'm not your lover. Pretty good, kid. Yep. Yep. Pretty rough French. translated as stop touching my butt i'm not your lover pretty good kid yeah yeah uh pretty rough rough french my fast oh i haven't heard that in a long time i think it literally means like my butt uh and this last one comes from page h from parts unknown uh Uh, but this is, um, I overheard my five-year-old son tell his two-year-old sister. No,

that's a nickname. The real name of a wiener dog is a penis dog. Oh, blessed are the children. Yeah. So good. Oh, that is the children. Yeah. So good. Oh, that is the official name. I watch the Westminster Kennel Club dog show and they have a little...

A Canadian dog won it. Oh, yeah. Miss P or whatever. Miss P, the beagle. Oh, wow, a beagle. Now she's out of showbiz. That was the big news. Oh, really?

She retired. Yeah, she's going to go. Which, that's a good time to retire. When you win the whole thing. Did the dog know that it's retired? I don't know. I think they know when they get pregnant. Yeah, the moment.

Because they got that acu-check. All the photos of Miss P, she looked miserable. Yeah, that's what beagles look like. You've seen Snoopy. Yeah, that's right. Like, except when he was the red baron seemed pretty stoked yeah didn't snoopy fight the red baron oh was he he wasn't the red oh yeah it was versus the red christmas time oh christmas is that a song but isn't he doesn't he fly his own doghouse yeah dog. Doghouse. As a Nazi fighter pilot?

No, the Red Baron is from World War I. But wasn't he with the Germans? Yeah, but not the Nazis. Wouldn't he have, if he realisted? Of course he would have.

But, yeah, anyway, the, in the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, they always have, the announcer gives, in the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, they always have the, the announcer gives like weird tidbits about dogs. And I just remember the wiener dog that they are.

Oh, what was the word he used to describe them? They're like, uh, they believe in fair play. Wow. I understand fair. Yeah. Concept of fairness. Yeah. The concept of fairness. Fairness, yeah. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hello, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Evan from Calgary, and I want to call in with an overheard. I was just walking down the road in Calgary. I was passing by a couple arm-in-arm as they walked, and as I was going by, I heard the man say to the woman, well, yeah, it's like a regular dildo, but it's all covered in fur. Anyway, I hope everyone likes that.

Chewbacca the dildo. Yeah. We've all had that conversation. That's Evan W. From Calgary. Very funny young man. Fine. A fine young man.

A fine young cannonball. I thought it was fine young cannonball. Fine young cannonballs. Yeah. They would shoot themselves into a fat guy's stomach at the beginning of every show. Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess probably in the... In the furry world?

Yeah, in the... Well, I... Is the thing in the furry world that you want to have sex with an animal, or you just want to have sex with somebody dressed like an animal? I don't know i think you want to have sex with like a barbapapa or a moomin yeah it's like weird like non yeah yeah not an animal so much as like a cartoonish uh big bellied creature right right okay like a yogi bear but Yeah. Yeah. But not a bear. But not, yeah.

Like you don't want to have sex with an actual bear. Yeah. Yeah. Just like a yogurty bear. Or a yogurty bear. Or a picnic basket. Yeah. All right. We got to the bottom of that.

All right. Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham and potential guests. I'm calling in with an overheard. Last week, my roommate said, no, not my roommate, but my coworker said his roommate needed to work. So I went to the trailer. I never met this guy. I went to the trailer park to pick him up, drove him to work. And in the lobby of the place we were working that day, he bent over, leaned on the couch in the lobby, out of breath, and said,

I don't know if I can take much more of this. The dude had walked eight steps up into the lobby. I turned around and drove him home. What kind of job was this? I don't know. It was his last job. Before he gets out of the biz. One last score.

Nah, I'm too old for this. I can't do it. Can't take much more of this. One time I, like. But, like, it wasn't, it was a place that had a lobby. So, it wasn't, like, you know, like. Probably, like, electricians maybe installing something. It wasn't, like like on a work site.

No, but I thought it was an apartment lobby. I didn't think of it as a... Oh yeah, they could have been like renovating a kitchen. Yeah. I don't know. I just picture that he's a mover that moved one thing. I'm done with this. Fuck this. I feel like that's going to happen a lot.

Then you have to take another guy off the shift to drive him home. Give me a ride home. Or maybe he's the temperamental mover. He's like James Brown. Like, I can't go on. I can't go on. Put a little cape on him and he throws it off. Yeah.

Oh, please hire the temperamental mover. That's my company. He's just angry He just breaks stuff Throws your piano upstairs Why are you moving into this dump? He's a perfectionist There's always one person on the staff

Who has to explain What's going on The problem is he loves moving so much It's kind of his art. All right. Here is your final overheard of 2015. Hey, Dan McGrave and hilarious guests. Just calling from northern Alberta.

Just drove by the Western Budget Motel, which normally advertises in big red letters that they have a pool and jacuzzis. But tonight the L has burnt out. So the side of their hotel is advertising poo jacuzzis. Hey, full circle. Yeah. Yeah. No 14 days or longer without the area, and then you can get back in the pool

god damn it why tonight why did it all have to happen tonight at least we got it all out of the way much like diary Dave hates himself for that oh gross um yeah the uh

I feel like I've stayed in that hotel. The Western budget? Yeah, like that. I've stayed in hotels that are just like. They always advertise things that are not exciting anymore. Like color TV. Color TV. Yeah.

I saw that. There's a place downtown that still advertises color TV. And it was, maybe Todd Berry had a joke about people being mad that prisoners get color TVs. Like, I don't want the government, like, going to garage sales to find black and white TVs. A lot of time. Yeah. Color TV. Or, uh, for, in the States, it was always, I remember, like like you would know you were in the States

at HBO was the big thing than if you were Showtime and HBO. There's Cinemax but I don't know what that is. Is that hotel only and is it porny? And also because people also say Skinemax but that can't be a separate thing

it's got to be the nickname. Yeah that's the nickname of Cinemax but Cinemax was just like yeah I think it was just like more adulty yeah it's probably like an umbrella that because i know there's some hotels you can watch movies that are still in theaters you can like pay and maybe that's the company that like does that but then they're also like we also got about no yeah cinemax would show after a certain hour they would show uh porno movies yes this is like a real dude fest yeah this is like a real this is the kind of podcast you want to go into you know your dad's basement motorcycles we talked about porno me nudie girl calendars velociraptor poster of that snuck in there.

Are you excited about the new Jurassic World? I don't know. I guess, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I like dinosaurs. They're bad, like... I don't know. I just want to see them trash some stuff. You think you like dinosaurs, but I don't think you'd like to meet one. No. Face to face? They're fearsome beasts.

Yeah, sure. Have you guys watched that one trailer where the guy monkeyed around with it in the last scene of the trailer? Because remember, what's his name is on the motorcycle. I haven't even watched the original trailer. So in the last scene, you see. Chris Pratt's on a motorcycle. Yeah, and the raptors are running with him. And then somebody monkeyed with it so that him and all the raptors are also on dirt bikes.

It's the best thing on the internet the best i don't know what you meant by monkeyed with until you revealed that yeah yeah yeah they edited it yeah steven spielberg wants him wants him to be uh the new indiana jones fine yeah and uh he's in the new jurassic park and he's in the Guardians of the Galaxy. I remember growing up and there being more than one actor. He's the Nolan North of action videos. I don't know what that means. That went over my head and what? Nolan North and Troy Baker, if you've ever played a video game in the last 10 years, those are the two guys that voice every lead character.

Literally every game. He talks like this? Yeah, it's just like, oh, guys, get them. It's just two guys, and they're in every game. That's so funny. Yeah, it's weird when you see, if you go to somebody's IMDB page, they've got movie credits, and then they're a voice in a video game. That must be the easiest paycheck in the world, right? Do you just go, ugh?

No, because there's a lot of dialogue now. Yeah, I guess. Oh, but you do have to do a lot of those. Ugh, ugh. Yeah. There's a lot of that. Oof. Oof.

Maroon. Oof, maroon. I love it when they don't fit correctly. There's a lot of normal like, normal ones, like, and then one of them's like, and he stubbed his toe. Yeah, and it's not even, like, a bad thing has happened in the game. I like that IMDb will now, has gone down to video games.

Yeah. But they won't do commercials. No, but I want to know who starred in what commercial. Yeah, but, like, if you ever are watching TV and you're like, is that my friend who's in a commercial? You just go to their Facebook page and everyone else will have written, hey, I think I saw you in a commercial. Good job. It was weird.

I watched a movie the other night and I was like, oh, this was like, it was kind of a cool movie. It was called Boy Wonder. And it was kind of like a dark kind of vigilante movie. I was like, oh, I want to know what else uh this director's done and all of his credits were like such and such home reno makeover like he made that one movie and then he's made like several seasons of like hgtv tim mcgrath's uh no it was daryl hall's hall of wonders or whatever wow yeah and it's like daryl hall renovating his house oh wow isn't that weird yeah anyways uh that brings us to the end of this here uh podcast oh so soon

do you have anything you want to plug um uh the eastern uh listeners uh with your promises. Yeah. Well done. Geez. I'm going to be in and around the Toronto area opening for Steve Patterson's stand-up coming tour. You're going on tour with him. Yeah.

That's so much fun. So from April 15th to May 15th, essentially. Oh, the Ides to the Ides. Yeah. There's a whole bunch of dates in and around Toronto. So, it's on Steve Patterson's website. It's the Think About It tour. And any of those shows,

if you live in, say, Barrie, Ontario, we will be coming to a theater in your city. Are you going to try and go to, like, whatever that town's attraction is? Oh, I'd love to. Like, find out, what does Barrie is? Oh, I'd love to. Yeah. Yeah.

Like find out what does Barry have? The largest, largest, whatever. Yeah. Combination lock. Oh, man. Turn it. Takes eight people to turn it. It's not even that big.

Yeah, it's pretty big. Yeah. I mean, it would go on a pretty big locker. Yeah. Sure. But that's all the way over in Mississauga but those towns haiti's got it yeah that locker is gonna remain there's like a plan every year for their centennial like no we'll bring the lock over we'll put it on the locker every year they have a centennial

they keep moving it back because they can't get this locker project in. They keep rewriting history. Yeah. We're printing off a big enough picture of Jenny Garth to hang in the locker. The world's largest picture of Jenny Garth. We've torn down the world's largest picture of two elephants having sex. Somebody's putting that up in there. We just want Tony smelling. Oh, Lordy. And thanks, all the listeners, for participating in the Max Fun Drive. Yeah.

As we mentioned earlier. This is a once a year deal. It comes but once a year, just like Puxatawney Phil. Santa Claus. Yeah. Oh, boy. A woman's menstruation, as is my understanding. Oh, sure.

Yeah. When you're on the patch. Yeah. Once a year. Easter Bunny, et cetera. Yeah. sure. Yeah. When you're on the patch. Yeah. Once a year. Mm-hmm. Easter bunny, et cetera. Yeah. April. Yeah.

June. Every month. These are all things that come once a year. Yeah. Taxes. Oh, boy. Unless you pay an installment plan. Oh, brother.

Car insurance. Yeah, I guess car insurance. Yeah, I just pay once a year. It's way too expensive. I really should just. Break car insurance. Yeah, I just pay once a year. It's way too expensive. I really should just. Pay, break it up. Yeah. But maximum.

I'm too proud. Is and always has been a listener supported network. And this is how the network exists. This is how it keeps going. Your money helps us. My computer broke down this year. I got to do one of those. It helps us

make time to do the show. Yeah. Help the show sound good. Let's us be generous to our guests. Yeah. And, you know, it's a thing. Like all the episodes are out there for your enjoyment

all the way back to number one. And will always be out there but this is how it all happens a giant ray gun sure a giant magnetic pulse yeah yeah well that you know what if you're the last person on earth and you're listening to podcasts i mean ah you could do anything you could ride escalators all day and all night. Well, they probably wouldn't have any power to them. Anyways. You could walk upstairs. Oh, sure.

Now, you can donate at a bunch of different levels. You can donate as low as $5 or all the way up to something like $200 a month. If you're flush, if you're doing all right. There's probably a way you can donate more if you email them. But right now, we don't know how it works. We don't understand that level of money. Thank you to everybody who currently donates. Yes.

This is your opportunity. If you've had a good year, you know, consider upping your donation. If it's been a rough year, you know what? We're good. Yeah. Don't be cool, man. Yeah. Yeah.

We appreciate all you've done for us. Yeah. But think of how much you listen to the show, how much you listen to all the shows on the Maximum Fun Network. Yeah. And write down a number. This is the number of thinking.

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It's very easy. Thank you very much. And do you want to wrap up the show? Yeah. If you like the show, head over to, uh, maximumfun.org. Check out a blog recap of pictures and videos. Yeah.

We talked about it in the show. I want to see that. See if you can track down that Raptor poster. You are what I eat? Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah, probably that. That'll be there and a big, big picture of ice cream.

Yeah. probably that. They'll be there and a big, big picture of ice cream. Yeah. All right. Maybe one of the lesser known read posters. Oh, yeah. Is there anyone of a raptor reading? And it's one of those things that's like how to cook 10 people, how to cook for 10 people. Well, they're clever, those girls. 10 people out of a good

4 or 10 people well they're clever those girls and if you like the show please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself MaximumFun.org

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