Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 377 - Katie-Ellen Humphries

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

Katie-Ellen Humphries returns to talk sober raves, walking to work, and losing an earbud in your head.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 377 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man. I was trying to think of something to do with Aladdin, but I really couldn't pull it. I was like, I've never had a friend like you, but that doesn't work to introduce you.

And it's also, you've never had a friend like me, but you could say that. Okay. And then it would be true about you. So am I introducing myself here? Yes. With Graham, as always, he's never had a friend like me. The genie. Mr. Dave Schumacher.

Hi there. Heya. Who are your favorite genies? Oh. Christina Aguilera. Oh, good. Good call. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right out of the gates. Right out of the gates. Right out of the bottle. X-Tina, if you're nasty. X-Tina. Was it triple X-Tina? I think it was. I mean, she's a mother now. Yeah, yeah. She's gone back down to one X-Tina. There's Genie. Oh, I Dream of Genie.

I Dream of Genie. Teeny Weeny Genie and a Panini. Yep. And of course, the Canadian Screen Awards. Yeah, the Genies. Either the Movie or TV Awards were called the Genies. Was it? They were the Genies and the other ones were the Geminis.

Geminis, yeah. Yeah. And then I think they consolidated them all into the Canadian Screen Awards. Yeah. And they. They should fold the Junos into those too And just call them the Canadas What they do now is You know how every time they show an award show on TV it's live?

They record it like a week in advance Edit it down to half an hour And still nobody watches Our guest today, very funny comedian, also on the show on OutTV called Morgan Brayton and Friends. Is that right? Morgan Brayton and other people. Damn it. Don't be presumptuous.

Yeah, that's true. Very funny Miss Katie Ellen Humphries is here. Hi, fellas. Hello. Thanks for returning to the show. Absolutely. My pleasure. Yeah. Should for returning to the show. Absolutely. My pleasure. Yeah.

Should we get to know us? Yeah, we should. Get to know us. Yeah, Christina Aguilera's a mother, eh? Of course. Many times over. Yeah. I don't know if that's true.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Maybe two. What is, and she's on The Voice? Is that the thing that she's on? She's occasionally on The Voice. Okay. But she's not touring around.

She's got like a Vegas show or something like that. Yeah, she's got a lot going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's mostly in a stay-at-home mom. Is she, because remember she was like bigger and then smaller and bigger and smaller? That was the big thing with Christina Aguilera? Yeah, that's the big thing with everybody. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Pink, she would go, she would get bigger and then get smaller the big thing with christine aguilera yeah that's the big thing with everybody yeah yeah that's true pink she would go she would get bigger and then get smaller

doctors were worried about her i think she's fine though she's got millions of dollars yeah yeah yeah i mean i think these are uh teenage to early 20s celebrities who are very tiny who then have babies yeah yeah yeah it's like all very natural become slightly less tiny and everyone's still tiny enough that they're like so tiny yeah yeah they're like you know in the realm of celebrity i wonder if you met one of the like her christina or britney spears if you'd be shocked by how tiny they are. I bet you they're very tiny people, like short, stout, handle. You think they're teapots. Yeah, yeah.

I know Angela Lansbury is for sure. Who do you think is the tiniest celebrity? I mean, other than Verne Troyer. But male or female? Because they always say that Tom Cruise. You can hold him in the palm of your hand. Anna Kendrick, very, very tiny. Oh, yeah.

I'm not a tall lady. And I was at a party once with her. I live a really fabulous life. Yeah, you do. And she was wearing very high heels and I was still easily like two inches taller than she is. And I'm like five two.

You think she's under five? She seems than she is. And I'm like five two. So she's good. And she's like, I think she's under five. She seems birdlike. She maybe has like a bird heart. She danced all night. Really? Yeah.

Like a hummingbird. A hummingbird. Yeah. In those heels she danced all night. She's teeny tiny. And then she presented at the Oscars with Kevin Hart. And she was like a head Oscars with Kevin Hart. And she was like a head taller than him.

Right. Oh, so he's even. But he wasn't wearing heels. But she was wearing, I'm sure, yeah, big heels. But what is he? Five even or something like that? Hoof. Hoof. That's a tiny guy.

I don't know. I know that Mel Gibson was short. All I know is like growing up I had sports cards and it would say everyone's height and weight on the back and like even though the tiniest guys they would bump them up to you know 180 pounds sure uh even if they were 5'4 uh but like Spud Webb and Muggsy Bogues were the smallest basketball players yeah like 5'6 and I think theo flurry was a five six hockey player there's a guy on the flames right now that's like he's like five something is that johnny hockey yeah johnny hockey yeah and uh but he's tiny tiny little guy but i don't know i don't yeah i think i think

jason statham i think he's a tiny guy too i I would be. I wouldn't think so, but a tiny Todd. Like no one needs to be any taller than me. No, that's true. All the shelves in the world. It's gratuitous. Yeah. Like what I'm saying is, how about, how's this for a new rule? I'm the tallest guy. Call Guinness.

Like anything, anyone else is just showing off. Yeah. I like that. Cause sometimes they would do that in the Guinness book where they would have like a giant person and then the tiniest person and they'd make them hang out together. But there's no, they guaranteed they have nothing in common.

Yeah. I like that. I like that. They maybe get the woman with the craziest, longest fingernails and make her hang out with the world's biggest nail clipper. Or like the woman whose eyes bug out the farthest. And an optometrist. Yeah, make her hang out with glasses.

A glass? So, Katie Allen. Yeah. Yes, sir. You've zigzagged all over the country since last we had you on the program. You've been partying with Anna Kendrick. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We had Erica Sigurdsson on a couple episodes ago. She talked about you and her and Michelle Shaughnessy wearing matching dresses. And matching sweaters. The best thing that ever happened to me, yeah. Yeah. Wearing matching dresses. And matching sweaters. The best thing that ever happened to me, yeah.

Yeah. But you got to go out to the East Coast and like hang out for a few weeks. Yeah, I just really spent 10 days in Halifax. It was fantastic. My R's got real hard, real quick. I am a husk of a person. We'll take on any regional accents. Like everywhere you go, you're just like, hmm, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dialect. Yeah, absolutely. It's why I never go to Disneyland. I don't want to come back talking like Mickey. Yeah, I understand. Or in a small world, you'll have like a hundred accents. I just come out like Sybil. Like a multicultural Sybil.

Was she? I don't know. I don't know anything about Sybil except as a punchline. Yeah. What are you, Sybil? What was Sybil? What was the anything about Sybil except as a punchline. Yeah. What are you, Sybil? What was Sybil? What was the premise of Sybil? She had multiple personalities.

It wasn't Sybil Shepard. I'm thinking of the TV show Sybil. Oh, with the beautiful Alicia Witt. Good work if you can get it. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. Won't you tell me how? It was like Sybil Shepard, Christine Baranski.

It was like a show for dads. They had their pictures up in their lockers. Sybil Shepard and Christine Baranski. Yeah, when your dad went to work. Open up his locker and a picture of Christine Baranski, civil shepherd.

Coach's wife. Christine Lottie. Who's Christine Lottie? Oh, she's another actress. Yeah, sure. From that era? Yeah. Oh, who's, which one's on the West Wing?

I don't know. Jane Krasinski. Different strokes, fellas. Yeah. Oh, man. All right. So you absorbed your hard arse. I'm just going to look at the last one. And like

what... You've been out there before. Yeah, I'd only spent a couple of days there. Well, in Halifax and I spent a couple days in Cape Breton last summer. I love it. What do you love about it? Everyone's so friendly. Do you like that?

Well, it was hard to adjust to, and I didn't realize, because I grew up in Victoria, which is very friendly. Yeah. So I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd slide right back into it. Yeah. It does slow things down. I thought I'd slide right back into it. Yeah.

It does slow things down. I got off the elevator on the first floor instead of the lobby at one point, and I was, for a second, a little confused. Yeah. And between the first floor and the lobby, which should be six seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four people stopped me to see, do you need a hand here? Are you lost? What's going on?

Do you need a hand? I was like, yeah. The first time was very charming, but by the fourth, I was like, I got it. You're being aggressive with your friendliness. Stop pushing it on me, man. Yeah. Do you think you send out a vibe that's like, I need help. I've never been in a hotel before.

I mean, I was in like footie pajamas dragging a blanket. I don't know all your intuitions. I did have an incident at a hotel, which I did need some help with. We checked in and Eric and I came in at the same time. And it was around 11 p.m. Allison Janney. That's the one dads love. Dads love them all.

Well, she's a spark plug. Yeah. And I check in and I went up to my room and it's huge. There's like a full kitchen and a table that seats eight. It's a massive living room area and it's gorgeous. And I'm kind of walking around and I'm thinking like, oh, God, there must be a beautiful en suite bedroom. And I can't find it. Oh, yes.

And then I was like, I'm opening doors. And they're all closets. And I'm like reopening closet doors, looking in the. Did you walk back out of the room and you're like, okay, let's try this fresh. Fresh set of eyes. Is there another front door to this room that I didn't go into?

And then I text Erica and ask her to come behind. I was like, hey, we come to my room. I think I'm going crazy. I need you to see

if there's a bed in here. That you don't see. Yeah. Yeah. And then she comes by and we do again all the door. I'm opening door.

Like I'm almost opening drawers at this point. I'm like, is there? It's like a pull up. It's something. Do I sleep in this drawer? You put on your footie pajamas and just roll into the drawer. Yeah, you are tiny. And then I go.

Do I sleep in this bird's nest? Oh, that would be so adorable. I go downstairs and I say hey I just checked in to 555 this is gonna sound stupid right now

yeah I was like it seems like there's not a bed in there I like that you're still leaving a little

room for the hotel to be like oh yeah no it seems that way but you know like there's a knock, I don't know. That is a weird thing where it's like every hotel,

it's pretty obvious where the bed is. Yeah. But you also might be jet lagged. So you leave open like, all right, maybe I'm missing something. Listen, I don't know how they do it on the East Coast. Yeah. Oh, we sleep on the roof.

Oh, I see. He says, oh, he looks at the computer. He says, oh, there's a bed in there. And I said, where? Where is it? And he looks again. He says, oh, there's a bed. And then the manager comes over and he says, what room did they check you in?

And I said, 555. And he said, oh, just 555? I was like, yeah. He's like, there's no bed in there. Oh. Oh, wow. And I said, oh, you know, when they checked me in, they said there was a queen size bed. And he said, there's no bed in there oh oh wow i said oh you know when they checked me and they said there's a queen-size bed and he said there is a pull-out oh a pull-out couch yeah yeah but

that's not a bed but it was such a relief that you were like oh at least i'm not crazy yeah i was like oh my god because i thought i misplaced a queen-size bed it's the uh and then you owe them one yeah if they go up there and there's no queen size bed you you owe them one bed that's the whole hotel scam yeah is that you go in there and then they come in they go what did you do with it yeah yeah it's like the mini bar the the stuff in the mini bar you have to replace it before you leave there was also a p Picasso in here. I don't see it here anymore. Why do they have a room in a hotel that doesn't have a bed? So it's part of a suite. There isn't a room attached to it.

But I did have to use my key to get into a whole separate part of a hallway. And there are two other rooms in man this sounds haunted yeah they sent you to a weird special hallway and it was the only the last room available and yeah the whole hotel was booked of course uh you just go and it's just a dart room and you're like well why are there so many guys in here drinking a pint? And I was like, West End Hotel, are you hazing me? Rookies in the no-bedroom. Is this going to be in some kind of hidden camera commercial? Like that one where they give people a free movie?

Yeah, I wouldn't sign off on that. No, me neither. I'd be like, I'm paying for the movie. You don't get to put me in a thousand commercials. Clean up the confetti and balloons. Yeah, I don't understand why people sign off on being in those ads. Because there's a lot of them. Yeah, to save 12 bucks.

Yeah, I guess. Although I don't know what the conceit would have been in this one. Like, you don't get to sleep anywhere. Have trouble sleeping. And then they give you some night quilt yeah like what you get beaten with pillows um so what did you do outside you were there for the festival and then what did you do the rest of those other nine days yeah yeah well i stuck around and then i worked the yuck x club the following weekend okay yeah where i had a wonderful experience and it was like a it was like right in a dad joke i've always wanted to be a canadian dad joke oh go on specify

the the host and mc was a gentleman named kyle hickey very funny guy from halifax living in toronto now so he's back home. He's emceeing the club. And he was talking about his last name, Hickey, and he said that it hails from Newfoundland and a lot of his extended family was there. Right. He asked if there was anyone from Newfoundland in the audience. And a gal puts up her hand. And he said, oh, you're from Newfoundland.

Whereabouts? And she says, I'm right here. Ah, fun. I know. Was she a plant? I know. I i know i was like all those jokes are real i would be intimidated to do comedy in newfoundland because i think everybody there's so funny like every new newfoundlander i've ever met is very funny and quick like that like bar joke quick oh she was not joking she was extremely slow oh no i thought she was like

like a may west like i'm right here silly you know one of those situations did the place erupt with laughter yeah and then and we're like well that's the show yeah it was 10 minutes in like well we're done yeah yeah and everyone was happy with it. Yeah. That's the club's policy. If you hit a high note, end of the show. I would be with you, except there was one evening when a whole train, a whole train, a whole plane and automobiles. Yeah. A whole plane's worth of Newfoundlanders were. What is a plane worth of Newfoundlanders?

I don't know. A gander. A gander of Newfoundland? I don't know. A gander. A gander of Newfoundlanders. We're stuck at the hotel because St. John was fogged in, and these were all people who were trying to come home from the Dominican Republic. Okay. Get to Newfoundland. We're not expecting to be stuck in Halifax.

So I had been on a plane all day, like stuck on tarmac. They're all in vacation gear. Oh, that's hilarious. They're freezing, and they're starving, and they're all in vacation gear. They're freezing. And they're starving. And they're all in the hotel bar and they're so tired. And I'm sitting there and it's just this chorus of, I like the fish and chips. Do you like the fish and chips?

I like the fish and chips. Do you like the fish and chips? It's just deafening. And then finally, after about an hour, I hear the guy be like, I'm sorry, we're out of fish and chips. And then just chaos. Yeah. Do you just have chips? No, everyone was like, chicken fingers?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can pretend those are fish and chips. The fish of the land. Yeah. The finger of the chicken. Oh, man. of the chicken oh man yeah uh i love the idea of the the people showing up in their vacation like that's out of a sitcom like but when i went over here they're like i just thought i thought i'd get in a cab i'd be at my house i didn't expect to yeah yeah but i don't you know they're

all suddenly from minnesota i am thrown when i'm at the airport and I see people coming home from Hawaii and they are somewhere tropical and they're super tan and they're wearing flip-flops and shorts and things because that was appropriate where they just were. But now they're just in like the Toronto airport or something. And it just, it seems so strange to me. I think it's super strange. I resent it.

I'm also like, aren't you freezing? What are you doing? Like walking out of the airport with an umbrella because it was raining where you came from. Yeah. But I also like the other way around when you're traveling to somewhere that's much colder and you have to like wear a big coat all the way to the airport here. Yeah. And people are looking at you like you're a lunatic. I just can't.

I can't pack it. Yeah. This is my carry onon it's a parka oh yeah i hate going places that are cold it's the worst i don't mind it i just don't like the travel part yeah and also it's like i maybe like you know i get a cup of coffee at the airport and so i'm sweating from hurrying i'm sweating from this parka. I'm sweating from the coffee. Yeah. It's, and then I. You got first date jitters. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, I'm so nervous to meet my bunk mate. Oh, man. Well, that's pretty adorable. And then also you were in like the very north of Canada, which I've never been. I've never been to the Northwest Territory, so i don't know uh how was that it is fantastic why tell you why it sounds scary mostly people from newfoundland no yeah how they were in the dominican uh yeah when i was just in yellow knife recently and a large percent of the population is either First Nations or Newfoundlanders.

So just the best people. Yeah, but why Newfoundlanders? Is it because there's, is there work there? Work, I guess, yeah. Like my observation when I was there is that everyone who lives there talks about living there the same way someone talks about getting into stripping. They're like, I'm just doing it for a couple of years. I make some money. talks about living there the same way someone talks about getting into stripping. Go on. They're like, I'm just doing it for a couple of years. Yeah.

I'm going to make some money. I'm going to get out. Yeah, so I can put my kid through college. Yeah. It's the same thing with like tree planters. Yeah. Or like people working on oil rigs. On the rigs.

Yeah. Well, but everyone in Yellowknife would say how great it is. The first thing I would say is how amazing it is. And the second thing they would tell you is their exit date. Oh, yeah. Right. I got three more years. And then they have like a barcode on them that says I expire.

This is when I get rocketed out of here. Yeah. They're etching into their hand like it's a jailhouse wall. So they're all up there. They're making some sort of fortune because you get paid a lot to live up there. Is that kind of a thing? And you only have to pay $30 for a bottle of ketchup. Yeah, I know.

I don't understand the math. Oh, boy, the fish and chips must be so expensive. Forget it. You don't order it up there. You only have it for lunch and dinner. What is the... Yeah, what would... Like, what did you eat while you're up there?

Because food's really expensive. Yeah, I've been to the Yukon where it's not as bad, but it's still like... Everything is crazy expensive because they have to lug it up all the way. Yeah, there's nothing. But what would be the thing that you could eat that was the local thing? Like, would it be... Snow.. Yeah, there's nothing. But what would be the thing that you could eat that was the local thing?

Snow. Snow, yeah, snow cones. Deer. Something like that. Bear. Seal. Sled. Sled meat.

Sled soup. We have boiled sled. Okay, I guess I'll have that. What are you doing comedy? Yeah, doing comedy and also admiring a very beautiful snow castle. Was it really a snow castle? Yeah, I was there in March and they have a whole month-long festival, the Snow King Festival. Yeah, committee builds this enormous castle out of snow.

And you go in and everyone's super friendly and you can't find the elevator. Snow King Festival. Yeah, committee builds this enormous castle out of snow. And you go in and everyone's super friendly and you can't find the elevator. Yeah. Yeah. You lost there? You get it. There's fiddling. It is a lot like these guys actually.

It looks like Newfoundland. There's no beds in your room. Like pictures I've seen of Newfoundland. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Like tiny little small houses in beautiful, vibrant colors. Right. Ain't that America?

Right, yeah. Pink houses. And then what do, like, what do the people do up there? Is it oil? Is that the thing? I went two-stepping. I don't know what people do there. Did you really go two-stepping?

Yeah. Where? At like a honky-tonk? Yeah. Wow. You weren't scared to go to a honky tonk? And it was jam night. So it was just random people getting up, playing their favorite songs.

Oh, wow. Was it all Garth Brooks songs? Or was it like, I like stuff from a different genre. So it was like Christina Aguilera and Garth Brooks. The biggest deviation from what I would call straight country would be like a Chuck Berry. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Still pretty good for two-stepping.

Now, you go on the floor in the two-stepping. Do you know the things? Do you know the moves? No, I don't. A gentleman from the show was going to show me how, and he really had my number because he's trying to show me how, and then he was like, hey, comedian, you got to give up control for a second. You can't lead this. Wow.

He has your number. I know. That sounds like a. Put me in my place. That's like a line out of a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy. Yo, we're in love. Yeah. It was Josh Duhamel.

Yeah, because that's, you know, big city girl. Mm-hmm. Goes up to the small town. Well, and I first tripped. Yeah. And he picked me up. Show that you're. Yeah, you knew around here.

You're kind of a klutz. Oh, gosh. And I inexplicably ate all of the food in the world, but never gained a pound. I'm kind of a mess, guys. Yeah, I'm wearing pajama pants in the day. What a mess. Well, you know what the Giants need to do. They need new defense.

Oh, yeah. She hosts a sports talk show. Yeah, and she's been demoted to a small station up in the north what am i gonna do with all of these excellent high-end cigars i'm pretty chill yeah yeah so you two-stepped which is like a country dance is it like line dancing kind of right where you go around in a circle or square dancing line dancing is it line dancing meets square dancing you go around in a circle. Or square dancing? Line dancing? Is it line dancing meets square dancing? But it's partnered.

Okay. So a line dancing, you're all just. Yeah. You're out there on your own. It's just you and the music and everybody else. It's you against the music. Yeah. Was that Britney?

With Madonna. With Madonna. Oh, wow. Madonna has just really collaborated with everyone from my generation. Justin Timberlake. Yeah. Was that Britney? With Madonna. With Madonna. Oh, wow. Madonna has just really collaborated with everyone from my generation. Justin Timberlake. Yeah. Britney. Drake.

Now. Now Drake. Did her and Lady Gaga ever do anything? No. Well. Who am I thinking of? Tony Bennett. That's who I think.

Better than Ezra. Who collaborated with better than Ezra? Madonna. Really? Yeah. Wow. with Better? Madonna. Really? Yeah. Wow. On their fourth album.

Still betterest. Yeah, the better most. Oh, you guys. So you're two-stepping. Did you bring the appropriate boots? Yeah. I mean, I first inquired who's Bed, Bed, and Under. I was like, all right, my own. Yeah, they ask you what size you are, and then you say, hmm.

And then, yeah, and then, like, everybody on the floor knows the dance, right? But you. And everyone's staring at you. And they're judging you. They're like, you're not from around these parts. Yeah, it's a living nightmare. It's a living nightmare. But you love to dance.

You've always had a lifelong love of dancing. Truth. Yeah. You do, though, right? I love to dance, yeah. But I didn't ever, I did not dance as a young gal. Well, I guess young. Yeah.

As a kid, I didn't take dance class or anything, and I never did any sort of formal dance training. Right. Which you wouldn't know to see me on the floor. I got moved. Yeah. I've seen you dance before, and you can really dance. You can cut a rug. Can you go to one of these hotspot nightclubs?

Do you like the music they play there? Can you get down with any kind of music? Fill me in on these hotspot nightclubs. You're two steps. You're three steps. Yeah. No, they're playing the EDM. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're doing some kind of... Dropping the beat. Yeah, dropping your bean. Everyone's shrooming hard. Yeah, everybody drops their beans. Yeah, that's a drug reference Everyone's on Molly Everyone's singing a song about Molly

There's hip hop that you've never heard But everyone on the dance floor Knows all the words And when the DJ cuts out the Lyrics people sing along Motherfucker Because that's the song It's basically Yeah, the lyrics. The lyrics. People sing along. Motherfucker. Because that's the song they know.

It's basically moany moany. Everyone's singing the hey motherfucker, get laid, get fucked. Yeah. Can you dance to that kind of stuff? Yeah. Yeah, I would say

electronic music is probably not my favorite. Sure. It's probably the one I feel the most self-conscious about. Because everyone else has no consciousness about themselves. Right. And I feel like I'm having all of most self-conscious about because everyone else has no consciousness about themselves and i feel like i'm having all of the self-conscious for everyone in the room

you're absorbing their lack of self-consciousness yeah i went to a sober rave an early morning sober rave this summer in williamsburg because it seemed like the most brooklyn thing i could do yeah absolutely and like how early are we talking it started at 6 a.m oh jesus it was like 6 a.m to 10 30 was it like at least on a weekend no it was a wednesday before we get this meeting going let's go to a sober rave yeah that well that was how it was marketed was like uh before work start your day off on the right two-step ah and i i happened to i'd seen this article just online and then i happened to be in new york at that time because again i live a family you didn't travel just for this i did not travel just just for that. It fell. And I was like, oh, and I've never been to any other kind of rave.

Right. This was my first rave experience. And I was like, that's the one to start out with. Yeah. For sure. Was there coffee? Yeah, well, that was the thing. They'd market it.

And there was like, there's going to be smoothies and massages. And so it was like, really, get your day going. And yeah, and organic coffee and the whole bit. I could see that catching on. really, get your day going. And yeah, and organic coffee and the whole bit. I could see that catching on. Yeah, I think, yeah,

I actually would really love to get it started here. But the thing about it that they, it's a little bit of a bait and switch because what it turns out. They sell you condoms.

It's a Bible study. Is that a sober rave is the gym. It's just the gym. Oh, I see. Because again, it was like Brooklyn. I thought it was going to be in like, I don't know, like an abandoned subway car. No, it was on a stationary bike.

Or like, I don't know, at least something out of like the girls set or something. And then it's like, oh no, it's a gym. It's a gym. There's a heavy bag in the middle of the dance floor. That would be great. That's my favorite dance move. Wap, wap, wap, wap, wap. Ow, ow.

I give up. Yeah, yeah. My fists hurt. That's my problem with the heavy bag is I start too strong. You got to build up to that. But I could see that being a thing, especially in a city like this, that people would like. I would love to. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I do the morning rave. Yeah. Yeah. My baby does the morning rave. They should just have one car on the train that is morning rave. Oh, that's super crowded.

Yeah, one guy would come in and ruin it for everybody. Yeah. Guess what, guys? I'm not sober. Oh, man. I never went to a rave. No, me neither. I don't know. I've been to a lot of high school dances, though.

Is that worth anything? Yeah, it's worth a lot. How about you? High school dances? I went to junior high school dances, and then I think I tapped out. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's.

No, I definitely went to a couple of high school ones, but I can see that. Although that was something where I showed. I remember in eighth grade showing up at my first junior high school dance and getting there. And I'd been to like a couple in elementary school and maybe like for like grade seven grad or something. And it's, you know, you sort of hands on shoulders a meter apart yeah frankenstein dancing that's it and this is what i was expecting very much looking forward to it and i guess in like the summer between seventh and eighth grade everyone else would be going to like youth dances at community centers and stuff all right and getting their grind on getting their

grind on is right. Oh, man. And also, they knew all the music and stuff, and I didn't know No Doubt or any of that stuff at that time. I didn't know No Doubt. I didn't. I don't know No Doubt. And I was like, what are they doing? They're grinding to spider webs.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, because did anybody, I think maybe the grinding hadn't fully arrived. Yeah, I didn't see anyone grind until I was about 15, 16. But I do think there was a couple that was making out so hard on the dance floor they were asked to leave. Because I think he was putting his hands in her pants. I don't think you're allowed to do that. Yeah, he might steal her pants. I don't think you're allowed to do that. Yeah, you might steal her wallet.

Grammar and I are a few years older than you, I presume. Would you mind sharing with us, like, in grade 7, what songs were people slow dancing to? Because in our at my time, it was like

End of the Road by Boyz II Men. Oh yeah. Tears in Heaven for some reason by Eric Clapton, a song about a dead baby.

Tears in Heaven wasn't a big one, but what's it called? It was You. Everything I Do, I Do It For You and I Will Always Love You. November Rain

was the one. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I was about to say, it's not timely, but for me it was for sure November Rain. But one. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I was about to say, it's not timely, but for me it was for sure November Rain. But they would also play...

That's how you knew the dance was over. Yes. That's the last song they would play. But it was a... Like the classic Stairway to Heaven,

that was always the old timey one. But they would play that at the... But they... Like November Rain, it has parts where it's undanceable yeah that's my i love that song and it's so cute and you start out and you're like

and you're nervous and then slash is like he's in the middle of a desert by an abandoned church do you know what's weird is i read an interview with the guy who was their first manager of Guns N' Roses. And his wedding was the... They recreated it for that video. That was what his wedding looked like. Then he had Slash play a crazy guitar thing at their wedding. On top of a piano. Yeah, like they had this crazy rock and roll wedding.

Slash was like, it's cool. I already have a top out. They're like, that's not necessary. He's like, don't worry about it. It's not that kind of formal. It's not cartoon formal. That would be a great dress code for a wedding. Cartoon formal?

You just show up with just the shirt collar and the bow tie. Gigantic bow tie. Nothing else. The dickie. Yeah. That rolls up. And then what do you call it? Like a cane with a ball on top.

Walking cane. Everyone is like a pig wearing a monocle. No, cartoon formal, that's got to be something. Yeah. That's great. And cartoon casual is shirts with no pants. Yeah. And so November Rain, that was the...

And Casey and JoJo. Oh, yeah. What was that song? Post-Jodacy. I don't know that song. Yeah, I remember it, but... Yeah, we can't think to sing it now. I'm embarrassed there's

someone right screaming at their computer yeah casey or jojo yeah um yeah and then uh i feel like i was in high school before boy bands uh hit or wall boy bands or post post new kids on the block yeah free backstreet boys yeah backstreet boys arrived i think when i was in high school and then but we were all too old to be dancing to that stuff but i assume that's what the kids was it all my life by casey and jojo sure was yeah i've been waiting for someone like you right is that it? Yeah. Basically, yeah. I hope that you feel the same way too. Oh, man. I'm feeling all the feeling as a high schooler.

Yeah. Got my hormones awakened. Did you ever get caught out when you were at a dance where you didn't have a partner? Like everybody partnered up and you were like, Oh, no, we're getting to the first chorus, and I'm alone and goodbye. Yeah, all of the time. Oh, really? Oh, really?

That surprises me. Yeah, and it took a few years of junior high school, at least a full year, all of eighth grade, to beat out the confidence that i had developed in a very sheltered and friendly elementary school and everyone had become teenagers and i hadn't and i was like right guys i'm fun and so i would still approach anyone and be like would you like to dance and be like oh no oh oh. Yeah. You're not allowed to say no. Because in elementary school, you weren't allowed to say no.

And the walk away from that situation. That's a long walk. Oh, I'm Moonwalk. Yeah. I'm Moonwalk. Moonwalk. I'm Frankie Muniz. Oh, yeah.

You got to. Right through the middle. That would be a way to really, really sell it. Like, no? Okay, then. Break dancing was really big in my junior high school. So a lot of fast songs would just, and when I say it's really big, I mean five guys were really good at it. I know what you mean.

I was about to say, I guess it was big in mine. I mean, no one else else but these dudes knew how we we brought a roll of uh linoleum we're gonna do spins on yeah actually there was a i remember we early in the year at my junior high school they would have this they would have a sock hop on like the first friday okay afternoon and they would do like a barbecue and stuff. And then there would be this sock. A little barbecue your shoes. Yeah. So you have to wear your sock.

And my friend Chriselle, her family is from the Philippines and they were quite connected in just that community. Right. And a new family had moved and they had a child coming to the school. And so he was like 13 years old just moving to canada for the first time right and they had asked chris ellett could you look out for this kid and this was kid vince and his english at that time was uh not very good he was very very shy and i remember we took him we're like oh yeah well you you know come to the sock up with us it'd be great chris ellett and i and this kid and the music kind of starts and we are just being like like if we were looking as an outsider just like the most

ignorant we're like this is music we're like this is how teen kids dance and we like go to show him and he's just standing there staring at us blankly and he's like oh and then he just busts out the craziest dance moves i've ever seen. Like head spins. And he's like, yeah, I got this. Oh, you guys dance with your feet? That's on my head. Wow.

And he is who I went on my very first date with many years later. Really? Wow, why not? It went sideways? What did you do? Where did you go? Well, he prefers it sideways because that's how he dances. Did you just get, oh, man.

How old were you when you dated? I was in 12th grade. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Did you go out to a movie? We went to a movie. Mm-hmm. Oh, boy, let me see.

Probably some Guns N' Roses documentary. movie. Oh boy, let me see. Probably some Guns and Roses documentary. I feel like my assessment of the date would have been much better. Do you remember the movie? Yeah. I want to say down to you, but I know that that is a Julia Stiles movie. So not that one. It was the one where the Chris Rock movie where he gets reincarnated as a rich white guy. Oh, yeah.

What was that called? And there's a dance in the trailer. Is that called Down to Earth? Down to Earth. That's right. Sure, sure. Down to Earth. Wow.

And so that wasn't good. Nope. No, it was not. No, no, no. It was not. Oh, man. It was not good. There was, just while we were talking about dances, I thought of this one thing.

Oh, he's got a 5.4 out of 10 on IMDB. That's pretty good. Down to earth. Yeah. That's a pass. There was one guy who I was kind of friends with, and he was dancing with a girl he had a really big crush on. And I just remember the girl, like a big move back in the day is girls would like play with

their hair when they were dancing. Oh, yeah. Like run their hands through their hair. That like a big move back in the day is girls would like play with their hair when they were dancing. Oh, yeah. Like run their hands through their hair. That's a good move. Yeah. Because I don't know what to do with my hands. No. And so he started running his hands through his hair.

Oh, man. I fell on the floor laughing. It was so funny. His hair just ends up all greasy. Yeah. I'm remembering now when I was, I would have been maybe sixth grade or so. And I had a friend who was older. And I was one of those friends I only saw in the summer because she lived in a, she lived like maybe 30 or 40 minutes away.

We didn't go to the same school or anything. And I remember, so when we were younger, I didn't notice that she was like a year older or so or two years. But then when I got to about like fifth or sixth grade, now all of a sudden she's maybe kind of a teenager. I'm certainly not. She's wearing lip liner. Yeah. I just think I remember this time when she was talking about

she's like, oh yeah. She's like, me and my friends we totally keep track of like when different guys in our class when we're dancing when they've got boners. Oh no. And I rememberers. Oh, no. And I remember thinking, yeah, totally. And just being like,

what is that? Gotta learn. Gotta learn before the next dance so I can keep track. Yeah, you were thinking of a dinosaur you saw one time. Like dinosaur bones. And you're like, is it something to do with that?

Or milk bone? Possibilities. I gotta be honest. They weren't very good at keeping track because those guys always had boners. Yeah, we try to keep track

of when they have boners. I don't think he had one there. He did. I remember in... In like grade five, it was very popular to wear boxer shorts. Oh, yeah. I remember that. and i was wearing them with regular shorts and it was like i forget it was some activity where the teachers weren't there

and we were playing spin the bottle in gym we were in the utility room and there was like you know 15 kids and then one of the girls drew a penis with a bunch of pubes and it said dave's dick and i was like well she probably saw up there but i know she didn't get a good view because there's no pub. So I was like, I will let it. It's fine with me. I will let the record stand. Oh, man. Dave's dick.

That girl is now a famous dick caricature artist for tourists. A very famous dick caricature artist. She sits on the boardwalk. for tourists. Yeah, a very famous dick caricature artist. Yeah. She sits on the boardwalk. you know, like the boardwalk and she's got like all the famous people's dicks.

Yeah. Oh, she's not famous but the dicks are famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she does famous people's dicks.

Yeah, Scarface's dick. Bob Marley's dick. Yeah, Bob Marley's dick. I was going to say Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe's dick. I was going to say Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe's dick.

Sure. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. That boxer shorts. Which is Joe DiMaggio. Boxer shorts are not great. They're not great. Not great with shorts.

No. No, it's even. You're wearing basically nothing. You got no protection. I think I wore boxer shorts throughout high school and then into college. Yeah. Because you sagged your pants. No.

I don't know why. It was just the, it was just what, the last time we had a collective conversation about the cool underwear, it was boxer shorts and it was a great vibe. Yeah, that's true. Because kids would. But what about Marky Mark's Calvin Klein? We didn't have that conversation. Yeah.

We got there eventually. Okay. But,? We didn't have that conversation. Yeah. We got there eventually. Okay. But, yeah, for years it was. Yeah. And I would wear them as my pajamas as well. Like, I would wear boxer shorts to bed. Yeah. And then I went to college and I was in a dorm and, like, you're walking around in your

boxer shorts with other guys. I'm going to buy pajamas. I'm going to go buy some pajamas. Everybody's drawing Dave's dick. with other guys. I'm going to go buy pajamas. I'm going to go buy some pajamas. Everybody's drawing Dave's dick.

Everyone's got a little whiteboard outside their room to draw Dave's dick. Oh, no. Except this time, they were all right. What's going on with you, man? Here's what's going on with me. I don't think I mentioned this

on the show, but a few weeks ago, I left my job at CBC to take another job somewhere else. Yeah. It's a very exciting job. I'm working on some very exciting things. Yeah.

Is your new job at NASA? No, no, no. Is it at Tesla? Yes. And Mars One? No, I'm working with a bunch of my people I know, uh, doing a new project where we're making podcasts and that's right up my alley. Yeah. Um.

You do that. Mm-hmm. But the, uh, the, the great thing about this job, and there's a lot of great things, but one of the great things is that it's a lot closer to my home. So I don't have to commute anymore. And now I'm walking to work. Yeah. And it's like a half hour walk. And there's a lot of things that I've noticed that I never had noticed in the last few years of driving and taking the bus to work.

One, there's vomit everywhere. Oh, yeah. Vomit, vomit everywhere everywhere but not a drop to drink like every day someone like sometimes it's a big patch of vomit sometimes it's like someone had a controlled burn yeah yeah yeah that that's true this uh i guess i uh forgot about it or like I've seen vomit before, but a lot more vomit than I remember. Now, where this is on one of the main drags or is this on the. This is off.

This is off a couple of main drags, like either a block or two away from. From where a bar would be. No, like, I mean, I guess, but not we're not in the entertainment district. No, that's true. But I wonder if. Are we in the entertainment district. No, that's true. But I wonder if... Are we in the buffet district? Oh, yeah. Like somebody overdid it.

I don't know. Are we? I don't know. I'd like to know where the buffet... Is this a cruise ship? I'd like to know where that district is, though. But like always a different kind. Sometimes it's carrots.

Sometimes it's potatoes. Sure. Yeah, no. I guess it's just sort of shocking like like oh i might step in that every day well this i mean if you're gonna do it it's outdoors is it man you know as opposed to in the place yeah but but then there's nothing you can do about it like you can't what can you do like you have to just walk away yeah no that's true it's not like you like when you're walking your dog and you carry bags with you you can't pick up the slop somebody sees you do it they're like yeah that's on my lawn that's on my lawn. That's not my responsibility.

And it's not. But, like, I guess you should. You wouldn't carry bags. You would carry, like, a hose. Yeah. Or sawdust. Coffee grounds? Yeah.

Sawdust? Do people use coffee grounds? Sawdust is what they have at, like, amusement parks. Yeah, elementary school. I remember sawdust coming out and being dumped on vomit i have uh seen at a bar before when they put down coffee grounds yeah okay really covers the smell yeah that's not bad it's a rude awakening for anyone because you can get that sort of like caffeine through your nose and you're like i'm i'm wide awake now yeah well

i actually couldn't i didn't know for a second i was like why is it smell like coffee smell so much and i looked down i was like oh oh that gentleman is done yeah you're like oh it's uh the worst possible reason for something to smell like coffee yeah it's the worst part of waking up it's vomit in your cup another thing is that I don't remember from last time I walked all the all the live long day

yeah is every time I arrive home and every time I arrive at work I have bugs stuck to my face like tiny little bugs

yeah and I might just be like where the it's springtime so it's like they're in those little bug orgies yeah yeah yeah i think that's it also there's the the ones that dangle down yeah the little worms that are dangling off of a rope yeah worm rope yeah uh yeah no that's a thing also like uh i know people in uh in the city that have motorcycles, and that's all it is.

Face bugs. Yeah. That's enough to put me off motorcycles. I think that's the only thing I don't like about motorcycles, is the face bug thing. Yeah? Yeah, otherwise I think it'd be kind of fun to ride around. Yeah, you alone with the road, being super loud. Yeah, exactly.

Revving. Being with your gang. Yeah. What's your gang called again? The Cutie Patooties. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, exactly. Revving. Being with your gang. Yeah. What's your gang called again? The Cutie Patooties. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, boy.

Yeah, we do. You kill them with kindness. Yeah, and we have sleepovers. Where we stay up late even after we've been told to turn off the lights. Oh, yeah. We all have flashlights. You drink all that soda. Yeah, yeah.

Too much. Too much root beer. Guys, I rented Porky's. Then we all draw Dave's dick and go to bed. That's not good likeness. Play Pin the Pubes on Dave's dick. Fun. And another thing, yeah it's like uh you know how when you're walking on a

street alone with a woman yeah you're supposed to go to the other side of the street yeah yeah yeah sure like because you're uh uh even though you don't know you're a threat you're a threat yeah it's like uh don't get between a mama bear and a cub situation yeah you're like if you can give a wide berth but like on a busy street it's not a thing but like an isolated thing where it's like we're at opposite ends like hey lady i'm gonna do the gentlemanly thing yeah i don't know if it's like and you know if it's midday i don't do it like dusk sure hey i'm on your side's midday, I don't do it. For like dusk.

Sure. Hey, I'm on your side. But I don't know when I'm supposed to be doing that. Thoughts? Because do you do it only when you're walking towards a woman? Or what if you're walking behind her? If you're walking behind her, I do it as well. Like following her. Yeah.

I think that's the right protocol. Because hashtag not all men, but hashtag yes all women. Yeah. But also. That's what I boil that down to. What if a lady, everywhere she goes, a man crosses the street and she thinks like, hmm, this is not working. Whatever I'm putting out there. Oh yeah, she wants to attract men.

Yeah. And then all the men are like, eh, going across the street. They're just trying to be a yes all men? Is that the thing? No, not all women? What is to be a yes all men. Is that the thing? No, not all women. What is the hashtags? Yes all men. No, no, not all men.

Yes all women. Yes all women. Yeah. I've heard gentlemen complain about, yeah, in that situation and like trying to non-verbally communicate. Like, I am not a threat, but there's no like walk for that. I'm like, skipping maybe. non-verbally communicate like I am not a threat but there's no like walk for that and like skipping maybe but like

I I am aware of that anxiety for gentlemen and then I try to telegraph they're like I am not afraid of you but I'm also only like

90% not afraid of you and I'm trying to be like well like of course I'm afraid yes all women are 10% afraid yeah of course like I'm for sure afraid of you but I also

but I don't want to be And I don't want You like I I'm not Like I I live in a world Where you're not actually a threat And that's the world

I want to live in And so But then I'm like You might be There's not a good walk For that either Of like I'm totally comfortable

Yeah Like what if What if a guy was Whislicked Does that bad? Omar. Oh, yeah. What if a guy's, like, on his phone,

like, playing with his phone and not even looking up? Yeah, that seems like... But then I feel like at the last minute he could get you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just lulling me. Yeah, I think just crossing the street is the thing to do. I think I don't do it as often as I should.

I don't ever think about it. But that's on me, man. I should be crossing that street. Or skipping. What if there's two ladies each on one side of the street? Do I tell her, hey, go over there so I can be alone on this side? Which one of you two is better at taking care of yourself? Yeah, which one of you is like Jennifer Lopez enough?

Enough. Yeah. Which one is like Jennifer Lopez in The Boy Next Door, who might also be kind of enough? Yeah, she'd had enough. Yeah. Yeah. Guaranteed she kills him by the end of the movie.

Mm-hmm. Which one of you is like sleeping with the enemy, and which one of you is the enemy? She, I bet you at the end of the movie, kills that guy. And then the last scene in the movie after the credits is her meeting her new hunky boyfriend next door.

Oh, the new boy on the other side. Yeah, it starts again. Right, and he gives her a... A cup of dillient. A first edition of... The Bible. Which one is made in Manhattan? Because that one is putting you on. She's not who she says

she is. Yeah, that's right. She's just a liar. That's all that movie is. Is that the one where she's the wedding planner? Yeah, yeah. Kind of. Yeah, basically. What else is going on while I'm walking to work? Nothing. That's about it. Like, bikes still don't

stop at stop signs. Bikes still don't think the rules apply to them also in this city is there's bike lanes bike lanes for everyone use them cyclists oh yeah stay off the other lane yeah stay off the main roads yo yeah i don't care i don't care if bikers get in my face about it you know why because uh i'll just hop in the bus and then I don't have to listen to them. See? Oh, yeah. Fingers don't scare me.

Oh, I'm absolutely, I don't care if they get in my face about it either. I'll just kick them over. I didn't unclap. Yeah. I mean, some of them think they're pretty good at not letting their feet touch the ground when they're waiting at a red light.

Who's that impressing? Everybody. Yeah, it's true. All the people in their cars. Although we're all rooting against them. We're all like, you're going to have to step down eventually. Oh, man.

Last night I saw a guy who's like an adult guy riding his bicycle. No helmet. And with the hands off of the handlebars. Cool guy. Yeah, I guess. Pretty cool. Yeah, I guess. Pretty cool.

Yeah. The only thing worse would be if he had his helmet on the handlebars. Oh, yeah. He drives me crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Is that like a loophole in the law where like, you don't say I have to wear the helmet. I just have to have a helmet.

Yeah, or he's wearing it as a backpack. It's on me. Sir, i am a turtle yeah how dare you he's got it under his shirt i'm pregnant with safety oh man uh what's going on with you mon frere um here's what happened to me oh uh you know uh uh for your phone or for your ipod you have uh earbuds yeah right they got like the little rubber part that goes in the ear of the apple brand or no this is off okay okay yeah uh but you know like you buy them and they come with like like... A different size of rubber thing. Yeah. For Goldilocks. She likes the middle one.

So, I was wearing my earbuds, and then at one point I pulled them out, and then, like, I saw them, like, I put it on my bed, and then I looked over and I was like, uh-oh. Like, one of the earbud rubber parts went missing. I was looking everywhere for it. And then I was like, Oh, like one of the ear, but rubber parts were missing. It was looking everywhere for it. And, uh, then I was like, wait a minute. And then I felt in my ear and it was stuck in my ear.

And when I felt it, I pushed it way. I was like, boy, I don't know the protocol for this, but I do not want to go to the hospital. You send like a small animal in after. Yeah. And then when they

get stuck, you send like a slightly bigger animal. You can do candling for that. Yeah, I didn't want to do that either. I would rather go to the hospital. Tweezers, before we find out how, I'm assuming it's out. Well, don't assume anything. What would I

have done? What would you have done? Pretend it didn't happen. You could just like hit yourself on the other side of the head. I tried that. Because I was thinking like swimmers would get water out. That did nothing. That's how you get the bends. Is that right?

No. No, that's when you go up too fast. Yeah. I was thinking of swimmer's ear. Yeah. So I tried that. That didn't do anything. you go up too fast. Yeah. I was thinking of swimmer's ear. Yeah. So I tried that. That didn't do anything. Hurt my head, though.

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah. I rung my own bell doing that. So then, yeah, I went for tweezers, and I just couldn't get it. I would have opted for, hey, I'll buy you something nice if you help get this thing out of my ear. Like, I wouldn't tweeze it myself. I can't see into my own ear.

Yeah, and that's what happened. I kept just pinching my ear. Yeah. But then I also was like, I was just about to Google, like, how far does this tube go into your head? Like, how far could it go before it hits some resistance? Yeah. Like, because I was like, could I foreseeably before it hit some resistance yeah like cause I was like could I foreseeably

push it and it just vanishes and what comes out your nose what time of day is this like what's going on in your life you're not late for

something because of this uh no this is like you know middle of the day uh huh yeah

so no I'm not you're between naps yeah yeah exactly uh and uh You know, middle of the day. Uh-huh. Yeah. So. No, I'm not. You're between naps. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so I just decided to go all in because I was like, if I push it far enough, it's going to hit something. It's not just going to go into my head. No, not bounce out, but I'm not going to lose. You're going to be able to hook it?

Yeah, exactly. So I took a chopstick and went in there with a chopstick. You are like a hobo. And I got it, man. I got it. And when it popped out, it made a sound, like, of course, because it was in my ear. And it was the most refreshing feeling. Oh, man.

Just that when that came, I was like, oh, if I could bottle that sensation. Yeah. Yeah, it was great. So next time you're going to go one size smaller on those. Mm-hmm. It's going to be part of my daily routine. How long did you look at it after you pulled it out of your ear?

Oh, I don't know where it went. It went like, whoo, across the room. So you don't have, you're now budless on one side? I had to take them off an old pair of earphones. So now they don't match. But, you know. All's fair in 11-1. I go through them, like I lose them all the time.

Mine just break. Yeah, I've stopped buying, like the Apple ones don't fit my ear properly. Right. They just slip right out. Yeah. I, well, I've stopped buying like the Apple ones don't fit my ear properly. Right. They just slip right out. Yeah. And so I, I have to get, I get like the cheapest ones I can find it at, uh, whatever the radio shack is now called. Yeah.

I buy them at the, at the London drugs and I, these ones were. And I buy them in bulk. So like I lose them. I could just open up another one. That's what I did. I bought a bunch of their Disney ones, their Minnie Mouse earbuds. Okay. Yeah.

I'll show you. You can see for yourself. No, I'm good. But they're good. They're good quality. But, you know, that just, they should warn you about that. And also, there should be a tool that comes with it to pull something like that out of your head. There should be a tool that comes with it.

Yeah. Because they want to give you something to stick into your ear. A weird, sharp, pokey harpoon device. No, but see, you're just, it could be a round thing that does it. Ooh, what about like a suction thing? Yeah. You're like, they could be magnetons. Yeah, see.

No bad ideas in brainstorming. That's right. Yeah, yeah. We're just a big sky, big sky, you know? When we didn't end up doing this, but when we were having a baby, one portion, it was like, oh, this part is taking too long. I think what we might need to do is the vacuum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's like a vacuum device that they use. Yeah. But then it accelerated from there. But it can, the vacuum, like I've seen a photo of it or like a diagram,

it like sucks onto their head. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Oh, the baby's head. The baby, yeah. It sucks onto your wife's head. Yeah.

So, you know, it really distracts her while she's giving birth. It's a flow beach where they're just giving her a haircut. You're going to need a mom cut pretty soon.

Yeah. Put the vacuum on her head. Oh, boy. Anyways, do you want to move on to overheards after these messages? Good for you.

I did it. Hey, MaxFun listeners. I'm Dave Holmes. And if you've been missing my show, International Waters, you've been missing this. I am aroused, but I have zero idea. Really? Are you really? Yeah, sorry.

Name a British food lady. Name a British food lady? Joya Childs? I'm afraid I can't accept that. No, it's not, Joya. No. Come on, you must know your British food ladies. International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy.

Subscribe right now on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered, a show about making meaning and breaking rules. The thing about being a lawyer is we're really not supposed to encourage people to break the law. Human beings have a superpower and it's called play. I love this carpet. And your fingers dissect things just as well as anything does.

These stories are great to listen to while you're doing laundry, going for a run, cleaning your bathroom, or not sleeping on an airplane. Make boring stuff fun with Rendered. Available now at MaximumFun.org

or wherever you like to get your podcasts. Overheard. Overheard. A segment in which we the people of these United States. In order to form a more perfect union. Yeah. Go out and over-listen to other people's conversations. I feel like we listen a reasonable amount.

Yeah. We're not over-listening. Thank you. And we always like to start with the guest. If you would. I will. All right. Take it.

I have brought you an overheard all the way from Halifax, Nova Scotia. Woo! Woo! Do you have to declare that when you get here? No. No, no. No, it's domestic. That's right.

It's four hours ahead. So I was in the hotel bar on a Friday night of the festival, and it was mostly just festival people in there, but there was this one group of ladies night gals. And they were around my age, but they were around my age from rural Nova Scotia. So they all have been mothers for 10 to 15 years. They have a couple of kids at home and they are letting loose. They are going for it.

Very fun. A lot of shiny tank tops. Yeah. A whole bit. But they've also reached that level of drunk where they're questioning their life. Uh-oh. Oh, dear. Am I even real?

Yeah. What if we're outside? Like, oh, we're having so much fun. I remember. Oh, my kids are great. I don't. Oh, girl. Jesus. A lot of the crying my kids are great. I don't. Oh, girl. Jesus.

A lot of the crying comes soon after that. Yeah. And one of them was talking to a gentleman from the fest, and I just didn't catch everything. I just got to say, no, no, no, no, no. I am like, no. I am so much older than I used to be. Oh, man.

Not me, man. No. Yeah. I feel great. 18 till I die. Brian Adams. Oh, man. Yeah.

There's something about drinking with people who don't. Or who used to. Yeah. And then they're like, we got to do this. And you're like, no, I could do this any night of the week. I'm not going to do this. Crazy. Oh, yeah.

One of them was like, we're going dancing now. Come on. We're going to go dancing now. And I was like, I'm at a bar that my bed is right above. I'm not going anywhere. Mind you, my bed is a pullout. I mean, I was told there was a a bed I haven't looked in the room yet Everyone calls me pull out Kate

But unlike you I don't have any kids So Read it and weep Dave do you have a word? Guys I haven't overseen And a uh, a, uh, it involves a word that we do not use on this show. Okay.

It is, uh, an NC-17 word. Okay. So, kids, earmuffs. Yeah. Um, uh, on Main and 15th, 16th, there's a liquor store. Yeah. And behind there, I've actually taken a picture of some graffiti that's just never been erased. Sure.

That just says, Jed loves Richie as puss. R-I-C-C-I-A. I don't know what kind of name that is. Puss. But that's been what kind of name that is. Puss. But that's been there for a couple of years. And today I saw a sequel. Finally. On the front side of the restaurant, spray painted on the glass at a bus stop.

It said, Olivia has garlic pussy. I don't know what that means. No, me neither. She's like super afraid of vampires. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, she doesn't have to be afraid of vampires. Vampires are afraid of her. Well, that's why she garliced it up.

Oh. Especially during her moon time. Especially. Well, vampires are, yep. Yep, it all checks out. Everything checks out. Oh, wow. So I'm guessing a jilted ex

is responsible for that. Yeah, oh man, to be the subject of graffiti. Well, I was once. Dave's dick. Yeah, I remember that tag oh man

my overheard I was involved in I was involved in this overheard I told it to you a couple nights ago but but we're recording

twice a week plus the next live episode this weekend so we're scraping the bottom of plus an extra live episode this weekend. So we're scraping the bottom of the barrel. But this really was like, uh-oh. Like, uh-oh, I'm old man McGillicuddy. So much older than you used to be.

Yeah, exactly. Because I give away, every Monday I do this show. I give away prizes, right? Where is this show? It is on Commercial Drive, a place called Havana. Oh, and people can go every Monday? Every Monday. There, there.

Free plug. Nice plug. And I was giving away whatever, I can't remember, but I was giving away a shirt. And it was a brand new, hadn't been worn shirt with the band Hole on it. And some guy won it. And when he came up to me he said who's hole and i was like oh boy oh boy it began and i had to like i had to fish i was like do you know who kirk cobain is please tell me you know who kirk cobain is yeah yeah i was like it was his wife's band which is what it was yeah But I never thought I'd be describing it to somebody.

You know? Well, Kurt Cobain, he was married to a lady. Yeah. Who had a band. Lived through this. Yep. And then she was in People vs. Larry Flint. That's right.

And the Andy Kaufman movie. Yep. And then maybe she dated Jim Carrey for a while. Yeah. And then. Maybe dated a few people. Yeah. That was a fun time.

The glam stages. Yeah. Then they released a second album. The Malibu one? The one that had the Malibu song. Yeah. Yeah. That was the shirt I was giving away was from that album.

Yeah. What was that album called? I want to say it was called Malibu. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Something rock star. Superstar. Rock star.

All I know is when she wakes up in her makeup, it's too early for that dress. Yeah. That was the song. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. We know the song. And he was like, oh, Francis Bean's mom?

Oh, man. Oh, F.B, Francis Bean's mom? Oh, man. Oh, F.B. Cobain's mom? That would kill me. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Well, our last guest, Nima, was talking all about Jaden Smith and his genius. I may have just pushed that on him. Yeah, you did.

But, like, I wonder if there's kids. There must be kids that only know Arnold Schwarzenegger's son because he's dating Miley Cyrus. But I bet you they don't know who Arnold Schwarzenegger is. Hmm. Because aside from. Celebrity Skin. What's the name of that? Celebrity Skin.

I know. I bet you there are. I bet you there's 12 and 13 year old kids that only know the name Schwarzenegger from that kid. I was. Which is. With my family went to a Christmas caroling service. Service? It was and it wasn't.

It was a service. It was like right on the line. And there was a. What's, what are words? Yeah. What's the word? There was a sermon in it as well. Okay. And it was very nice.

It was very well done. And the gentleman did this talk about, it was about charity and hospitality and just caring for one another and a story that he used to illustrate that was after 9-11 when all those all planes all those planes were rerouted right east coast canada newfoundland and things and then these homes just opened their doors to all these travelers and anyone they'd set up schools and things for mass kind of hustling but then anyone who was elderly or ill or something they would just take in to homes close to hospitals and stuff and so he's talking about this and my niece who i guess i was about 13 at the time yeah just leans over to me and she was like what is he talking about yep because she was one yeah i was like oh uh night night september 11 9 11 terrorist attacks

in the in the house and she's like so just like kind of blank like i what i was like pearl harbor yeah and that was the first time that i had been in a position where like a mass type of north american attack had happened during my lifetime and it wasn't just like, you know, from history. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's sort of like, yeah, like people coming up to me every day and be like, remember when Mount St. Helens blew?

Remember when John Lennon got shot? Yeah, because, well, our parents could tell you the exact story, I'm sure they did, on many occasions, where they were when they heard JFK was shot. Or when they saw the jfl gags for the first time well we were together they don't

need to tell me that story we watched it as a family um now we also have overheards that are sent in by people all around the world do you think when we're telling our kids these things it'll be like uh where were you when mich when Michael Jackson died? I was on Twitter. I saw it. I saw it on Twitter. You know what? I was, uh,

I was working on a TV show. So I was in a newsroom. That story came out. And it was bedlam. Like, well, yeah, because it was TMZ.

Yeah. And we're like, we've never confirmed one of their stories before. Yeah. And it was like, uh, well, I mean, it was like one of the least surprising deaths in the history of deaths but at the same time everybody's like oh my god it's

happening you know like we all knew this day was so young and virile yeah well he was young i mean yeah and uh you know once he got those shots in his body he could do all sorts of stuff um but yeah it was crazy it was we being in a newsroom during that. I mean, I wasn't doing any of the news stuff. No. You were a janitor at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they even had me working on some sources.

Ew, cultito. Cultito. Pick up the garbage angle. Pick up the garbage angle. Love it. Now, if you want to send an overheard to us, you can send it in to SBY at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from Thomas in Bloomington, Indiana. I was walking to lunch today when I passed a food truck on the curb.

There was a guy walking behind it who was suddenly yelled at by somebody inside the truck. It sounded almost angry, like he was going to tell him to get away from there. But then he says, Hey, don't walk past that. That's a P2 gel ink pen. That's a really good pen.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't know what you got. Oh boy, There are. There's nothing better than a good pen. I would say that gel ink is the biggest pen technology advancement in my lifetime. Oh, man. Yeah.

Good call. Because, like, what was there? Ballpoint was standard. Fountain? Yeah. Some weird, the weird kind that if you get it wet, then it's spilly, you know, what?

No, there's kind of between gel ink and ballpoint. Yeah. And it's like, you're right. And then you get the paper wet and you're through. And the paper, when I thought you were dipping the pen,

the company. Yeah. Also remember those pens that they had at the mall that had like a spinny thing on them? They would make the writing look like a phone cord. You know what I'm talking about? It was like a vibrating pen. And then you would write and it would just... No?

Why would you want that? I don't know. But it was very novel. Yes. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. What about those ones that are four different colors? They're ballpoint, but it's got four chambers and you click, click, click, click.

Yeah. Sounds a little something like this. A green, a blue, a black, a red. Yeah. The green was only because- When's the last time you bought a pen? Oh. Like, I i find them i get them in hotel rooms yeah yeah and i got some from my encounters with prostitutes yeah on your way out

might as well get these soaps um yeah i don't know but i was given a nice one and i've been using that one pretty steady. Oh, yeah? Given? Well, somebody lent it to me. I just kept it. Okay, but it wasn't like for your 40 years of service to the Elks Club, a fancy wooden sign or something.

The Elks Club. Thank you for introducing us to Hole. We didn't know either. We're old. You want a pot of meh? Well, I'll sell it cheap. Oh, man. She could teach the whole new generation a thing or two about sass.

Yeah. This next one comes from Madison R. in Long Beach, California. This is of the cute variety. I was a nanny for a family for a few years. Nanny for a family. When I visited with the family last week, their five-year-old daughter was telling me about her

friends at school. Girl's name is Genevieve. Genevieve says, my friend says that if you believe in God, you go to heaven. Me, trying to be open-minded and progressive, while everyone believes a lot of different things you'll have to decide what you believe for yourself she furrowed her brow and looked at the ground then said i believe in princesses really i've seen them really good

yeah they're uh they're real they're in the news yeah. That one that had a baby. Yeah. And then that baby is now also a princess. Actually, she's a duchess who had a princess. Come on. You don't get. But do we call her Duchess Kate? Yeah. Isn't she?

The only duchess I know of is Fergie Ferg. How come every time you come around my London, London bridge, wanna go down my down my london london wait a minute is that a song about her dick no it's wait what is her london bridge yeah and why is it going down is it her underwear yeah it might be her underwear she wet her pants yeah she wet her pants it just shows just just so everyone remembers that you can never outrun that you can never outrun that yeah if you're the person who peed their pants doesn't matter if you're a multi-millionaire platinum album selling artist you pee your pants yeah you pee your pants once on stage in front of millions of people

she wasn't performing in front of millions of people she was it was a command performance on earth it was before we sent her to space but like would we have remembered it if Apple the app or Taboo

peed their pants? No. Because they don't get any lines. What do you think they're sitting around? They're like, I have done so many disgusting things in my pants on stage and nobody cares. Nobody cares. Well, you call Apple D app Apple P app. So that would work well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Taboo would be Tapoo. Well, in my version which is not considered taboo so it's regular yeah yeah that is completely acceptable uh uh this is a uh the last one is uh somebody sent it a photo. Black eyed peas. That's pretty funny. Yeah. That is pretty funny, Dave. That headline writes itself. I saw this tanker truck driving down the I-35. This is in Marcus T. in Austin, Texas.

One evening on the way home. I don't know what this means, but he sent a photo of it, and on the back of the tank, it says, Holland liquid chicken. So, what is liquid chicken? It might be pink slime. Oh, it might be pink slime. Liquid chicken. Liquid chicken. Yeah.

Like, I'm not sure what that even would be a slang. Yeah. So, slang. Like, there's chicken of the sea and i would call that like oh it's fish liquid chicken there we go i got it it's like my liquid gold is oil yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah liquid television liquid dreams cartoons from uh yeah oh man yeah yeah yeah is that Hmm. Liquid television. Liquid dreams. We show cartoons. Liquid dreams. From O-Town. Yeah. Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is that it? That's it, man. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us. Here's what you got to do. Get on it.

Pick up the phone. The phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people, hey, y'all. Hello, Dave, Graham, and maybe guests. This is Katie from Missouri, and I overheard for you. I was walking out of the grocery store, and there's a young lady sitting up there on the bench, and she was talking on her cell phone and she went into her phone she goes david i fucked you last night the least you can do is drive me to taco bell

yeah tit for tat yeah yeah yeah so these are the rules yeah yeah yeah wow wasn't there a book in the 90s about like the rules for dating men yeah i think it was called was it called the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wasn't there a book in the 90s about the rules for dating men? Yeah. I think it was called. Was it called The Rules? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like. If he calls on Thursday and he plans for the weekend, not good enough.

No. If he puts himself inside of you and then will not drive you to Taco Bell, you're like, hey. Yeah, yeah. You did not even take me to Chipotle. Oh, Chipotle's better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I right? So much more filling.

Unlike last night. Oh, man. Guac is extra. Well, yeah. I don't know what that means. Wouldn't it be hilarious for a lady of you? Go on. Like, you know, you're two adults, right?

And then you're like, oh, you want to come over for a drink? And then they come over and you put on that fucking V4 Force on. That happened off the air. Oh, did it? Yeah. Oh, shit. They don't know about our sexy jam times. Oh, did it? Yeah. Oh, shit. They don't know about our sexy jam times? Oh, no.

Oh, all right. You lost the next phone call? Yeah. Hi, Dave Graham and guest. This is Jacob from southern Iowa, and we had a field trip come out to where I work today, and we asked the kids, well, did any funny or fun things happen on the bus? And the kids said, oh, they made fun of me

because I said I would marry my mom. And I said, oh, well, why'd you say that? And he said, I just love her so much. Oh. Oh, I know, but kid, you can't. You got to separate church and state. But I, you can't. You gotta separate church and state. But I know you can't marry her. And even if you want to, you can't tell anyone.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's like if, uh, do you ever have that? Some kid in your school called one of the teacher's mom? No. Never? Yeah. I mean, maybe, but I don't think we made a big deal of it. There was one time when...

It was me. The teacher drew my penis. I remember once there was a kid who, well, we were, what, like, saying bye to the teacher? We were, like, walking around the class, and he said, I love you. That is so forgivable. Yeah, well, it's just you're on autopilot. Well, yeah, totally totally i love you i mean if you've ever worked you know back when people called each other worked somewhere where you had

to answer the phone with the name of the business yeah or like yeah whether and then someone calls you on your landline at home and you answer it with like Chipotle. I mean, Dave. That's how I answer. Huxtable residence. Here is your final overheard of 2015. Hey dudes, this is Tesla calling from Vancouver. I work in a bookstore and I was at work the other day.

A guy came in talking on his cell phone very loud. And he goes, You said it again. You said it again. said it again you said it again you said i'm delicious you said i'm delicious yeah yeah worst things to be called disgusting uh smelly yeah no there's bad like delicious is good oh it's one but you don't want to rub it in someone's face. No, I would. Because it's not going to happen that many times in my life. So I really want to make it stick.

You're disgusting. You're delicious. You're my little cupcake. I love you. I mean, no bye. I mean, Chipotle. Yeah, Chipotle. Chipotle to you.

Hello. Hello, I love you. Chipotle to you. Hello. Hello, I love you. Chipotle, Mom. Mom's burritos. Hello, you're my mother now. Oops. Oops. Hello, this is very...

Oh, no, I'm being myself. I'm texting you a picture of my dick. Oh, Lord. I'm packing you a picture of my dick Well that brings us to the end of this year's podcast Now Katie what do you got coming up What can you plug Yeah so I am part of A television show called Morgan Brayden and Other People

And it's very very funny and it's debuting in June on OutTV. So people can keep an eye out for that. This is like a panel? Yeah, it's a panel-style talk show hosted by Morgan Brayden. I'm one of the other people. Yeah, you are. Yeah, along with some other very funny ladies, podcast guest Erica Sigurdsson. Yeah.

And we have also very funny fatima dore yeah and robin day edwards fun yeah super fun they're all hilarious and we have a blast it's fun it was fun to shoot and stuff yeah yeah we're loving it i know how hollywood works yeah and then other than that the best way to keep up with me is on Twitter. And actually, just when I was in Halifax, some very lovely bumpers came up to introduce themselves, which is my absolute favorite thing. There are no people I love meeting more than fans of Stop Podcasting. They're the best. So absolutely, if you're ever at a show that I'm at, you're a fan of Stop Podcasting, just come up, because then we'll have something in common.

But then, but if you're walking down the street, cross the other side. Skip. No, just skip. Oh, yeah, skip. Yeah. That'll definitely, yeah. Yeah, make you feel like you're in a comfortable place. Yeah.

This guy listens. Yeah, this guy gets it. Yeah, and then to find me on Twitter, it is Miss Katie Ellen, M-S-K-A-T-I-E-E-L-L-E-N. Awesome. Thank you so much for being our guest. Absolutely my pleasure. Thank you so much for being our guest. Absolutely. My pleasure. Thank you so much. What a treat.

And if you want to head over to the MaximumFun.org. Yeah, we'll have pictures and videos of the things we talked about on this week's show. Celebrity skin. Yeah. I would assume. Yeah. Maybe that Fergie song. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Or that photo of her urinating in front of millions of people. Also, this week, I believe this Friday at the Little Mountain Gallery, I will be a guest. Maybe you will be a guest on Ryan Beal's talk show. Oh, 9 of a Thousand Topics? Yeah, the 1,000 topics. Well, we both signed up for it. I just have no follow-up on it so far

well it's it's a real loosey-goosey we'll let the listener in on a little secret we're recording this a month before that takes place and also while we're in plug mode i'm gonna be at the toronto fringe festival gonna be at the winnipeg fringe festival uh-huh gonna be in montreal all all three things i'm gonna be reading the phone book at yeah so if you're in any of those locations go to the those are in july that's in july and if you're having to be in the isle of scotland edinburgh edinburgh in august yeah so there don't tell me i didn't warn you um and uh yeah if you like the show tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself

I think that if the black IPs were real friends they would have Billy Madison'd it. Yeah. And be like, we all peed our pants. Yeah. Yeah. Good call. But I don't think they're all friends.

No, just leaving her out there on her own. Can you imagine if Will.i.am was your friend? Oh, brother. What if hologram Will.i.am was your friend? That will. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What a hologram will I am. That will... There we go.

This is a new segment on the show where we listen to a popular song and I put it at the end Yeah Oh shit This is what I learned To two step to This was a hit single That had oh shit In every bar But they have There's a radio at it

Yeah Oh darn it Yeah Nuts But they have There's a radio edit Yeah Of this Oh darn it Yeah Nuts It's really sexy But like what is it? Every time you come around London

London Bridge Well the phrase Go down Means something Yeah But what? You got me. But it's got to mean something.

B-4-4 all over again. All right, that's a winner. What's B-4-4? Does that stand for something? No. There's three of them. Oh, yeah. But the song, if you get down on me, I'll get down on you.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I forgot about that song. I'll never forget. I'm gonna make you come tonight. Over to my house. Oh. Oh, that doesn't save it. Well, I mean, I guess it does, but.

I will be the one to love and comfort you. I was just gonna say something about this band. Is this B-4-4? That means orgasm. In B-4-4 talk. Whoa! We're going down the slide! Yeah. We're going down the slide Yeah

Get down on you tonight And you were on my mind yeah yeah we are yeah so we maybe don't want to go all the way. Yeah, but we're running out of time, he says. Even though we're young, we're all dying. Mm-hmm. Run your hands through your hair. Tell me what you're thinking. Weak. That song seems like it's produced by your cool aunt who's the school health nurse.

It's like, listen kids, there's lots of stuff you can do. It's not intercourse. Yeah. Mutual masturbation. Let me show you how to make a dental dam. Oh, man. Ugh. That's just a sex ed flashback. I brought in these puppets with cartoonishly spiky hair.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. I brought in these puppets with cartoonishly spiky hair.