Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 382 - Darcy Michael

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Darcy Michael returns to talk Canadian showbiz, tuba parties, and Entourage.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 382 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who knows the difference between Chad Murray Michael and Ben Murky Distance. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yep, I knew the difference between those two things.

You don't remember the two names from 10 seconds ago? No, I know it's... No, I don't Is this fun for you? Kind of It's Chad Michael Murray was what I said And then you said it's Jan Michael Vincent And Chad...

Michael Murray There we go You said, yeah, Chad Michael Vincent is what you said Oh boy Anyway Anyways, I'm glad you Vincent is what you said. Oh, boy. Anyway. Anyways, I'm glad you know the difference. My name's Dave. Hi.

Hello. And our guest this week, returning guest to the podcast after a long hiatus. But you were on like two or three times. Was I? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, this isn't like your second time ever. Okay.

All right. But we just had a five-year absence in between. You will be, at the end of this week, you'll be at Just for Laughs in Montreal, a very hilarious comedian, Mr. Darcy Michaels. Yay! Hi, guys. Welcome back.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for not overusing me too much. Do you want to get to know us? Yeah, sure. Get to know us. So you, the last time you were here, you weighed 500 pounds more. Yeah, I was just tipping 650 back then.

I have since lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of skin. What was your maximum weight? I was 324 was my max weight. Really? Yeah. Yeah, that was my peak. And right now, I'm about just under

200. Alright. I've been down a lot more, but then I just love food so much. So today I spent the day. I love not exercising. We should start some sort of program. Let's make lots of money.

I've got the slaw. You've got the gluttony. Good Pet Shop Boys reference. Early. We come out of the gate early with Pet Shop Boys references. So you went east, not west, which the Pet Shop Boys would have recommended. And you were in a television show? I was, yes.

And you were living, like, were you full-time living in Toronto? No, it was kind of like the, I just never really clarified with anybody where I was at any given time. And it was a beautiful thing. I was in Toronto, I'd say, half the year then in Vancouver half the year. But when I'd get back to Vancouver, I'd be so tired that I was just like, I'm not leaving Ladner, you know, cause we're way out there. And I wasn't, you know, like if I was doing shows, I'd come into town, but that wasn't happening very often. So I was just taking my time, chilling out. Did you have a place in Toronto? Yeah,

I had a place in Toronto. I just got a new place every year because I just would rent a furnished apartment because I'm never going to be allowed to live there. Jer's never going to let it fly. So every year it was just like, okay, well, I got to get another furnished apartment. Is that fun to live in a furnished apartment? No, it's the worst. Oh, really? Just because people, it's the worst. Oh, really? How come? Just because people, it's the cheapest furniture most of the time, right? Especially because I'm an ox.

I put a glass down on a table and it shatters. Table or the glass? Both. Both, yeah. By day two, I am sitting on a floor drinking out of a plastic cup.

Sitting in a bunch of shattered. Yeah, just shattered glass and shattered dreams. I call that the spun out years. Sitting on a floor drinking out of a plastic cup. Sitting in a bunch of shattered. Yeah, just shattered glass and shattered dreams. I call that the spun out years. How many years was spun out on? Oh, we worked on it for two. It was on the air for one. There's a season sitting in the can somewhere waiting for people to plead not guilty and then they'll air it.

Yeah, one of your, for people that don't know, one of your co-stars has been accused for allegedly filming tenants in a place that he rented out. A furnished apartment that his co-star rented out. Oh, if he,

he would have a lot of naked fat man on a couch kind of videos if he did. He's breaking all my glasses. I did not hear that. Oh, you didn't? No. That's why we were supposed to premiere after the Super Bowl.

Right. And two days before, this actor gets arrested for voyeurism or, you know, just enthusiastic blooper reel. And so they pulled it off the air until whenever they decide to air it huh but one season aired successfully there you go successfully enough to get a second one yeah well not so successful that you could overcome a voyeurism charge charlie sheen was able to smoke crack on the internet weekly and take his show on the air Sheen was able to smoke crack on the internet weekly and take his show on the air. One little mistake and all of a sudden it's the kid.

Oh, boy. But those men. Oof. They're manly men. At the end of that show, the only guy that was left was John Cryer. Did Ashton Kutcher leave again? No. No, well, Charlie Sheen was gone.

And then the kid left. The half man left. Yeah it was uh ashton kutcher and amber tamblyn oh okay somehow you seem to know a lot about the last couple seasons of two and i read about the last episode because apparently it's so crazy uh there was like a guy from vulture that watched it and like a safe falls on the like you see the chuck lorry at the end and then a safe falls on his head oh my god and it's yeah they said it's like a safe falls on the like you see the chuck lorry at the end and then a safe falls on his head oh my god and it's yeah they said it's like a super so you would say that would be the the wrong episode for me to start watching if i wanted to see uh an episode of two

and a half men would i get a taste of what it's like but uh did the second did that the little boy come back for the final episode no No, he went all uber religious. I heard him say, yeah, this show is evil while he was still on it. Yeah. And then they were like, you don't have to come back. You don't have to cash these checks. Yeah, exactly. We're interviewing other half men.

We're going with Tamblyn. We're going with Tamblyn. I do remember this year, John Cryer put out an autobiography or memoir. He had stuff about going to prostitutes that Charlie Sheen set him up with. Oh, when he got divorced, right? Yeah. I couldn't imagine how awkward that would be for John Cryer to have Charlie Sheen take him to some prostitute. Yeah.

Also, you can't find your own? Yeah. Google prostitutes. Yeah. Or just go on Tinder. Yeah. Like, I'm John fucking Cryer, guys. Yeah, exactly. I'm Ducky.

Yeah. They see a picture of Ducky, they're like, is this a recent photo? So, was it fun to be on a sitcom? Yes. There you go. No, it was great. It was fun. The first season, it was a live studio audience.

So, we were drinking a lot. We were laughing a lot. There were two episodes I don't remember filming. It was set a bar it was uh nope nope nope i remember i had to ride a tandem bike and across the set for this one scene and uh dave game came over and gave me a glass and i i chugged it and it was all vodka and they called action and i drove right into the set wall and knocked it down i was like okay we'll do that again no they're like that's as good as it's gonna be yeah no they're like we gotta get this bike back yeah it's the ed wood of canadian entertainment i got some uh hidden camera videos i need to go watch so that's uh oh man i didn't even know about that if i had known about that i never

would have like i would be tiptoeing around that. But now that you brought it up. I'm probably going to lose my new show because of this conversation. Would you have a new show? Yeah. For now, until this airs. Right? We are kind of the drudge report.

Is that what we are? I don't know what that is. You know, like a real, we get the scoop. Yeah. Ruin people's careers. Yeah. No. Tell us about-

Has anything bad ever happened to anyone from coming on this show? We do get people- I got banned for five years, apparently. Yeah. That was too loud. But we do- But that was just an in-house- Yeah, that wasn't a public thing.

Yeah. It's suspension. We get occasionally guessable right afterwards and say, I mentioned a person's name. Can we not have that come in? Yeah, but I don't think. See, back when I did this before, the beauty of it was you guys didn't have listeners. So I was free and clear.

But you guys have gone and been all successful all of a sudden. I know. So now I'm a little, you know, trepidatious. Yeah, of course. But you've got a show. You've got something to lose. Yeah. Very exciting.

Finally, that's why you guys had me back. Yeah, CTV announced it last week. It's in development. It'll be a long time before it, you know, sees the light of day, I think. But it's a good step in the right direction. Well, it's good that they announced it. Yeah, I was surprised. They called the day before

and they're like, we're going to announce Darcy tomorrow. I was like, oh, is that the name we're going with? They're like, yeah, that's what you wanted to name it. I was like, yeah, but no one told me anything. I was just like, yeah, we're going to call it Darcy. And they're like, okay, yeah. No one's wanted to call anything Darcy since my parents named me. It's so sad, but true.

So you didn't know that they were going to announce it? No, I knew the day before. They called to tell me that they were announcing it and that they were announcing that my former co-star from Spun Out, Paul Campbell, had a show lined up with Kobe Smulders from How I Met Your Mother. Oh, yeah, yeah. And that as the same thing on Spun Out, he would be getting top billing on the press release for the new shows. And I was like, oh, that's fair. I'm used to Paul getting all the attention.

No, I was really surprised that they announced it because we've known about it for, I don't know, six months. And I just was sitting on it to the point that I kind of forgot about it for a while. And then I was like, all right, guess we better start writing that. What's the general premise, are you allowed to say? Yeah, it's basically just my life. It's about two uh two married dudes and kind of a lower income family trying to make life work in you know like it's not about careers

and you know partying and stuff like gay roseanne that's exactly it it rose exactly how that's actually how we sold it oh really that was the first pitch that i said. I was like, I want to make a gay Roseanne. Not as fat. Are you going to make... You mean like Ellen? Are you going to do the traditional thing where a comedian gets a sitcom and then the spouse is like uber hot? Well, have you ever seen my husband? He's uber hot. He's like Patricia Heaton hot. I'd put him closer to like a Rue McClanahan hot, but whatever.

No, I did all right. You know, like my husband's pretty hot, but I definitely did start looking at casting options pretty quick because my whole thing is, and the network is totally against it, but I want to replace Jer every three episodes just so I can kiss a new face. Jer every three episodes just so I can kiss a new face. Well, you could have that in your contract that anytime we kiss, it'll be shot

from behind the actor's head and it will be a different guy. Just a different guy. Hey, that's great. I do that with Abby. I'm a problem solver. Abby and I have this policy

where she wears a different president mask every time. You must be all out of presidents at this point. We've only kissed 44 times and they don't really make taft masks oh i'm going as taft for halloween i called it neither you guys can do it damn it i think this episode actually comes out after halloween

we're pre-taping a lot um so uh uh that's very exciting, because I only know, like, one other, two people that have gotten a show. Yeah. So, it's exciting. And then Jerry D just got two more shows. Really? Yeah, he's got another sitcom and a game show with CBC, so.

That's Canada's way that we do it, though. We just have one guy, and then we just get him to do all the stuff. For the next five years, it's going to be Ron James. And then you're out. It was Rick Mercer for a long time. At one point, he was kind of teetering around three shows on CBC. Really?

Because he was 22 minutes. Then he got Made in Canadaada then he got the rick mercer report yeah then he was the host of uh uh are you this canada's smartest person oh and uh yeah and then they were like okay and then he was the host of can you lose this accent he lost and uh yeah so, so that's exciting. You'd think right now CBC would put less of all their eggs in one basket. Because given the recent state of affairs, it's like they must have the best history of Jerry D. Just to be like, if we're banking three shows on this yeah

you know no no hatred towards women are you interested in art at all yeah no okay you can stick around taking any speaking fees against the thing that you report on oh man our national broadcast is in a bit of hot water yeah now. What was there? It was funny. Some onion-like website said... Shad is... Shad to run CBC. That's very Canadian talk, Al. Sorry about that. No, no, not at all.

It's fine. We love Shad around here. Yeah, absolutely. We do. I mean, I've never listened to him host a show, but I sure do love his rapping. Yeah. Shad went to Africa, right? That's Kish. I didn't know who he was. africa ah there we go um no i didn't know who he was either um but now i do he's the guy he's the guy with the cushy job good for you think it's cushy i think it it's probably really tough. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's got such a built-in listener.

They had so much hype around the show that there's be a lot of pressure. If anyone is not from Canada, we had this show called Q, which was made famous when the host confronted Billy Bob Thornton. And then the host choke-sexed a bunch of women against their will. Choke-sexon. Yeah. And then the host choked sexed a bunch of women against their will. Choked sexed. Yeah. Or sex choked.

Yeah. You know. And then he's since been replaced by Shad. Yeah. And so he's the new guy. But like,

if your show takes off, you could be being interviewed by Shad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dreams could come true. Yeah. I bet when you were a kid you never thought one day I could being interviewed by Shad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dreams could come true. I bet when you were a kid, you never thought, one day I could be interviewed by Shad.

Even as an adult, I never thought I could be interviewed by Shad. So did you enjoy your time in Toronto? Did you like hanging out there? No, I don't. No, I wouldn't go that far. Sitting on all that broken furniture. Yeah, it was broken furniture, broken dreams, and a lot of pizza. Jared, my husband and daughter came to visit me once during the second season.

And I was just, I'm from Toronto, but I feel no connection to that city. I really miss. How long did you live there? Oh, like until I was like 10. Then I moved out here. I was ready to try life on my own. Yeah, yeah. Bye, Mom and Dad.

See you, guys. I'm taking my disco ball and hitting the road. I moved out here and I had a speech impediment. I couldn't say R's. So I was. Did you say them as W's? Yeah, I was Dwarcy McQuarrie from Pickwing, Ontario. That's why I go by Darcy Michael because it's my first two names.

I literally couldn't pronounce my last name for most of my life. Oh, wow. McRory. McRory. McRory. Yeah. Hey,

you got rid of that W thing. Yeah, I did. I worked hard. The first day of elementary school out here, the teacher called my parents and was like, he needs speech therapy. And my dad was like,

really? Like, I just thought he was a little light in the loafers. Literally 10 years old. That's what his reaction. You were wearing loafers at 10? Yeah. And but i was i just remember being like dad thinks i'm skinny okay you know um but yeah we jaren grace came to visit me one day uh or one weekend in toronto and grace was in the the guest bedroom in my apartment and I heard her open a closet

and I was like, it was like slow motion. No, because I didn't know where the recycling went in my building. So I, for six months, every time I ordered pizza, I would just put the box in the closet. Oh yeah. And after six months of, only ever ordered ordered pizza my neighbor because it was the only gluten-free delivery option so there was literally like 46 boxes of pizza in this closet and then you know like all just pop bottles and they're just they both made me like one at a time take the box out and like shame shame you had pizza shame i had

pizza shame yeah and that's how i dealt with toronto i was like i'm just gonna sit on my broken furniture and eat pizza and then put it in the pizza closet and forget that wow so he's a closet yeah i think yeah i was it i connor holler definitely or craig yeah both of them had pizza yeah which is when you order pizza in an apartment building and everyone can see your box outside. Or I think one of them told the story of when you order online from Domino's, it gives you your order number and it was order number one. I know we only order from Domino's. We're out in Ladner. And we order it a couple times a week it seems to be

averaging and we know there's a hot delivery guy and a not hot delivery guy and we know their names

when Domino's I'll just leave the house when the not hot guys come I'll be like I'm gonna go leave it in the mailbox yeah

you ain't getting a tip there's money under the porch yeah you gotta crawl under the porch. You gotta wrestle a possum for it. But yeah, oh man, I feel like, you know how we feel like we were born at the wrong time, all of us? But like as masturbators, it would have been a great teen years to have the internet and everything. Oh, sure. masturbators it would have been a great teen years to have the internet and everything oh oh sure but

i feel like i really would have got a charge out of like tracking my pizza order i remember like and not having to talk to someone on the phone like getting together with a group of people and us all pitching in and getting a pizza like and it was a big deal yeah and like secretly like eating this pizza like it was that was our i remember stand by me i remember the 30 minutes or less kind of pizza yeah and we would we would order and once my dad hung up the phone we'd set the timer on the oven kind of thing and the every now and then that ding would go before they got there. And like, it was jubilation at my house, you know? And so was it, they, they like, we got you dead to rights. Yeah.

It's free, man. Wow. We got timers happening here. And it was like my dad, like watching him, like kind of tell the delivery guy that it was free and stuff. It was like, he'd won the Superbowl. Yeah. It's not, it wasn't even like now you could point to your phone.

It says when I got, I called you. Like it's all word, you know, trusting's not. It wasn't even like now you could point to your phone. It says when I got, I called you. Like it's all, we're, you know, trusting. Yeah. I was like, I believe it was half an hour, but if a train leaves Domino's traveling, um, oh man. You know that character that Domino's used to have? The Noid? The Noid.

Do you know why they discontinued this? How do you remember that? Because I played the video game. Yeah, there was a video game. Do you remember the character? He was like a claymation. Oh, yeah, okay, okay. And he had like rabbit ears.

And he ruined pizzas. Yeah. Do you know why they discontinued it? It's a very bizarre story. Was it about a murder? It wasn't a murder, but it was a crime that a guy... Oh, by the way, they never came back to on Mad Men. They never mentioned that burger chef ever again.

I thought that was going to be how it ends. Don got murdered at a burger chef. This guy whose last name was Noid and had some sort of issues, he held up Domino's Pizza and demanded to know why they were using his name and saying to people, avoid this guy. Oh, avoid the noise. Yeah, yeah. And so after that, it was like big news, and they canceled the character. They voided the noise?

Yeah. Oh, he voided the noise. Yeah. Oh, wow. Pretty good chunk of history there. That's fascinating. That's what he says when he's going to the noise. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Pretty good. Pretty good chunk of history there. That's fascinating. That's what he says when he's going to the bathroom. Gotta go void the noise.

I thought you meant chunk of history. You were asking, I think off air in the last episode or a couple of weeks ago, do you remember your best friend's phone number growing up? 988-8473. There you go. Who was that? That was Jeff. Jeff.

Yeah. He was my next door neighbor. I honestly haven't said that phone number. The second you said it, I was like, yeah, that's it. I know. I remembered mine, but I'm not going to say it. But I do remember. I didn't say the area code.

I also remember 7330188, which was Domino's Pizza. Those are like the only phone numbers I remember from childhood. Our pizza was 2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2 Are you from Calgary? 273-7373 No but I've done 380 episodes For this summer And we like to We like to talk about pizza I hit a niche here Didn't I? But I

I relate to the Pizza shame thing Because I Live with a bunch of roommates And I will order a pizza And then I will Wait outside Oh because you don't

Want to share it Well I don't want to share it And I don't want everybody In the house knowing That I'm eating pizza Oh yeah Oh hey have a pizza? Oh good

You don't want that to be the topic of conversation. Yeah. Oh, that is honest to God. The worst, that is worse than hot enough for you. For me, pizza.

Nope. Just going to go around in it. For me, it's, uh, uh, when I get a pair of new shoes, I don't like,

I want to scuff them up cause I don't want new shoes. Yeah. Oh yeah. Good call. So, uh, yeah, I don't have, I don to scuff them up because I don't want people. New shoes? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good call. So, yeah, I don't have, I don't buy new shoes very often, but I do know what you mean. Especially white ones. Yeah, because then somebody wants to scuff them, right? Well, I'm going to scuff them.

Go for it. I just bought new, we started tennis and I bought white tennis shoes and I hate them because they're too white, but they have to be for the tennis club. Why? Because they have very strict rules. My black shoes were a no-go. Were they low for a slow? It could have been the black face. No, that's encouraging.

Do you play tennis? We just started a couple last summer, and then we really started. What's the code all whites or white sneakers and then shorts can be like anything but they can't be they can't go white cut off. No, no, they can't be. I know I definitely had to go and buy some shorts. I know that much and then like a golf shirt kind of thing. It's very weird. Women can't wear tights.

Well, there's not. Women aren't allowed. No, we just decided we needed to be gayer and whiter. And so tennis was the option. That was it. That was it. What were the other options? I guess badminton.

Badminton. Everything, everything, everything had a racket. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Uh, are you any good? Uh, I am not as good as Jer. Okay. I go through rackets a little quicker because I have a temper.

Really? Yeah, I've broken two. But it's because he's a piece of shit. That's the bottom line. He hits it hard. He doesn't need to. He hit me in the face with a ball once, and I lost my mind. He was like, you could have ducked. And I was like, you could have not been a fucking dick about it.

So we're bonding, but not in the way we thought we were going to bond over tennis. We're definitely having a lot of lengthy conversations about etiquette. I played tennis as a kid and I haven't played it in like 20 years, but I was never good at it. I always launched the ball like way over the fence. Yeah. And never had like the coordination to serve. Yeah, serving's the hard. We have an instructor right now, and that's what we're working on.

It's a weird, because like tennis is stupid, because one arm feels like the Hulk, while the other one feels like a vegan, you know, because it's just there, you know, to catch a ball every now and then. Yeah. And that's it. Is it one hand? You really have to go with one hand, forehand. You can do a two-handed backhand.

I do a two-handed backhand just to get that arm working a bit. Sure. So it doesn't, you know, get like palsy or anything. I don't know how that works. Yeah. How do tennis players, because they look pretty even. Yeah. How are they not just like walking sideways all the time?

They must work out the other... They must be like while they're practicing, they're curling their biceps. I don't think... There's not much resistance when you swing a tennis racket. It's not going to build much muscle. But, you know, like some of the speed of the ball. Yeah, but they're not bulky guys to begin with. It's just like they're fit.

Yeah, some sort of hidden muscle. It's not bulk. Yeah. Is this some publication said that Serena Williams was like the best athlete in America? Athlete? Mathlete. Yeah, mathlete. I think that's what it is.

Sure. But how do they figure that out? Let's see. What's the best headline? Oh, this one. I think that it's less... Less science-y and more just... More sensationalist.

Yeah. I've only played tennis once in my whole life. It's frustrating. Yeah, I just said, this stinks. If I was good at it instantly, I would have done it. But I was like, I've only played tennis once in my whole life. It's frustrating. Yeah, I just said, this stinks. Like, if I was good at it instantly, I would have done it. But I was like, nah, it sucks. So you moved on to your other athletic career. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many comedians who do, like, yeah, comedians, like, had a great first set and that's why they kept at it? comedians like had a great first set and that's why they kept at it like because that's a typical story is like i i just had the best set and then i sucked for five years it's like heroin it's chasing the dragon yeah yeah my first set was uh i peaked on my first set 10 years ago last week uh and it's been downhill ever since oh wow it wow. It was one of those like my- Where was it? Where was it? Zesties on commercial drives. Ah, yes. I don't think I've talked about this before. I took a course.

Oh, did you? I was taught how to be funny. Which one? The David Grenier. David Grenier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the mental health one. No.

Yeah, that's right. Because he does- There was a course at Langara College where you'd go and write and then you'd tell your six jokes every week. And then after six weeks, you did a big show. And so at the big show, I had like 30 of my friends and family there and just. Was this at the Laughing Bean? No, it was at Zesty's. Right.

But you used to do the graduation show at the Laughing Bean. And then, well, they did the grad show at the Zesty's. Graduation show at the Laughing Bean. And then, well, they did the grad show at the Zesties. And then the next night I went to the Laughing Bean. And that's where I met Ivan Decker, who was on his third show ever or something like that. Was he doing the course? He did the course before me. He did, like, the semester before me.

As a 12-year-old? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But that's where we found out, like, he literally lived a block away from me. Oh, right. In Ladner. Yeah.

It was weird. Huh. Little comedy brothers. But there were a lot of people that took that course. I would have taken that course if I knew it existed. Yeah, as much as they did. I was busy with my tennis career at the time. Yeah.

You're one game. Well, I guess it's back to jokes. Yeah. I don't know. I read somewhere, like, if you're not instantly good at something and you don't love doing it, just stop doing it. Oh, yeah. Like, you know. That's why i don't read books i'm i'm uh like i i don't dis love reading books i'm just so bad at i'm the slowest it's very

frustrating yeah but you know what i mean like that seems like a pretty good solid life advice. Yeah. Like, if you can get by without it. But, like, if you're not good at driving your first time, you just don't drive ever again? No, but, like, I guess that's, like, a necessity. Right? You've got to learn how to drive. But then lots of people don't know how to drive.

That's true. Yeah. You know. Lots of people don't know how to have sex. And I was great at it the first time I did it. Knocked it out of the park. Yeah. I was like, this is like the opposite of tennis.

Yeah, I'm so fast at this. I think I beat the world record. I'm hitting it over the wall. Anyway, so now you're part of a tennis club, which is very cool. Anything else going on at the tennis club?

Is there like, do they have a bistro? The funny thing was we, no, it's the ladner tennis club it's a parking lot oh i don't know uh but we went to meet our instructor and i'd only just been emailing them uh before we started the lessons and i was like you know like my husband and i want to start lessons and this is where we're at level wise and yada yada man is that okay well no like i always forget that i have a girl's name. You know, like, my name's Darcy. Right. So, this guy's getting, and I'm definitely not famous.

So, it's not like an email. Not like an email from, I really, that's the frustrating. It's Darcy Michael from Spun Out. Yeah, yeah. I just want to get this out of the way before we meet. Yeah, you know, like, just. I'll bring a signed headshot. From Match Game, played 75 times a day.

So, I just never think to, you know, like, it's not going to be a big, like it just didn't even occur to me. And then Jared and I were walking up and he's like, do you know what the guy looks like? And I was like, no, he's going to look like a tennis pro. And he's going to be the only guy not playing tennis waiting for other people. He's going to be wearing a white headband, white wristbands. And he was. He was wearing a white headband white wristbands white shorts white shirt in case he worked up a sweat instructing 60 pounds overweight and i thought well this is a

good tennis oh uh but i walked out a fellow pizza shamer yeah but like i walk up to the guy and i was like hey gary and he's like hey really great to see you haven't seen you in so long and he starts feeding me the he obviously just thinks i know him from right and i was like yeah the generic like he can't place me but he's gonna talk nicely and i was like well actually no i'm where your lesson like i'm darcy and this is jare and there was just that like half second of what like the gays are in latin like he wanted to call his wife right away. But he was really cool, but he kept giggling the whole time.

You guys kiss, right? Yeah. And then it was the one, yeah, go pick up your balls. Oh, fun. Yeah, it was a good time. What? I don't know a lot about latiner but i know that like there's certain suburbs where i wouldn't want to be a gay person yeah latiner's great because it's

not like a suburb it's like a little farming town it's got its own little central central village it's cute it's nice and it it's really sunny how did you end up out there uh we were in the west end for the longest time and jare was a restaurant there. And he was from there originally like years and years ago. But when we were living downtown and it came time for Grace to start school, we didn't want her going to the elementary school in the West End just because it was sketchy. And so Jer was like, well, I work in Ladner. Why doesn't she go there? And so they started doing that for a while. You were like, and I'll just stay downtown. Yeah. And I was like, and then we, I, you know, like I was like, uh, I work an hour a week

and you're commuting 70 hours a week, you know, this doesn't make sense. So we moved out there and, uh, it's been wedded bliss ever since. How many years? 11, nine, nine years out there. Wow. Yeah. How many years married? Oh, 14 or 11 years 11 9 9 years out wow yeah how many years married oh 14 11 years married 14 years together wow yeah yeah the trick is cheating yeah yeah absolutely yeah and those masks and the masks secret pizza closet yeah pizza closet there's a pizza closet a twink closet and

that's the secret to a healthy marriage well Well, you should do a talk show. Did you keep Ivan Decker in that twink closet? Oh, I tried. I'm telling you. He's got his own closet that is very comfortable, apparently. If you become successful with this sitcom, you'll no doubt, you'll have a talk show

and another show. You'll have a talk show and some sort of travel show. And a game show. Oh, and a walk-in twink closet it's just a dungeon that is all it is you know it's well it's whatever you want to make

it's all a matter of decor have you called California Closet? Dave what's going on with you? Oh boy, guys, let's talk about it I don't know, let me see Oh, so I got these neighbors who live A kiddie corner from me Okay

And they throw parties And I hate it Yeah They throw punk parties and they're like punk people Ah, cool. And now I'm realizing that they're maybe not exactly punk people. They're maybe more Burning Man people, which is like hippie punk people. Yeah.

Because. I think I'd rather punk people, to be honest. Yeah, of course. They're good hearted people. Yeah, yeah. They hate the queen. Blue collar. Of course, they're good-hearted people.

Yeah, yeah. They hate the queen. Blue collar. And the reason I realized this is because, not because there was any kind of hula-hooping going on during their punk party. Although you suspected. You could hear sand swishing around. It's because, well, they had this party that got so loud starting at like 10 o'clock. And I was like,

great. Yay. Yay. Have a fun party. Um, and summer started super early this year. And so it's like, Oh no,

I got a whole summer of this. And, uh, the reason I realized that they were, uh, burning man people is because, uh, about an hour into the party, there was just the sound of like a New Orleans

style jazz funeral. Like people playing a sad song on like six tubas. Oh, wow. Like walking around the neighborhood. No. What time is this at? About 11. What night of the week?

Friday. Okay. Well, that's respectable yeah it's it's fine like it was it was like hmm can't call the cops yeah what am i gonna report a funeral dirge and the musicians were great yeah like no fault but like how do you organize a thing like that i don't know you just put a loud on invitation. What's that Craigslist ad look like? Around about 11 we want six of you for some brass, some woodwinds. No mariachi bands, just to be clear.

Oh, wow. So do you think that you're going to at some point have like a headbutting with them? Oh, i'm hoping it'll be uh some kind of voodoo curse uh no i will not i will not butt heads with these people they've lived there it's like a rotating cast that's always the same people like some people move out and then the exact same people move in and they you know find fireworks at the weirdest times of the year and just like start letting them off at three in the morning have you ever had to call the cops no i've never i mean i there are times i should have but i've never had oh wow

maybe though now that you're i'm too scared because they'll know they'll know it was me how do you think what They're neighbors to the... Yeah, they could have neighbors if they were. It can't be all just hippies on the street. It's like that nightmare where the cops show up and go, Dave Shumka across the street. Or the cops show up and they're hippie punks. Yeah, they bust out their tubas. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

All the cops show up on penny-filing bicycles. Oh, great. Now there's bagpipers. I'd like to file a complaint. Didgeridon't. Yeah, I've never called the cops on a neighbor. No. On a party.

I don't think. No, I don't think I have. There have been nights when I'm like, the cops are going to come tonight. I'm not going to be, I don't think I have. I, I've, like, there have been nights when the, I, I'm like, the cops are gonna come tonight. I'm not gonna be the one to call them, but I can tell.

We had a passive-aggressive neighbor once that, uh, Jer and I, uh, when we both smoked, uh, when we lived downtown, the smoke would go from our balcony into their window.

Mm-hmm. And we had no idea, but, uh, they'd slam the doors in their apartment all the time every time we smoked and then one day there was a uh a note slid under our door about the proper etiquette of smoking in your apartment they had written they'd gotten it off the internet and it basically said if you smoke smoke inside smoke in your apartment yeah it was like well that's disgusting

i don't want all the smoke in my i want my want my smoke to go into your apartment. Yeah, that's why I'm standing out here. It's weird when you see people still smoking. Really, indoors especially. When I see a teenager smoking, I'm like, where are you getting this from, kid? Because there hasn't been a cool smoking person in movies or TV for... Don Draper. Kids love Mad Men. Kids do love Mad Men.

Yeah. That is true. You see so many kids with mad men backpacks and just the quote you've never done any work i couldn't live with it's not a donut it's a carousel oh man yeah i uh i don't get it i don't know where kids probably for me i still smoke you don't still yeah i do i'm the worst i can't quit i i've been unable to quit for how long have you smoked for i was 14 so 21 years and uh like how many do you smoke a day a pack you're really yeah oh yeah oh you gotta you when we were filming i was up to two packs a day like like it was the 70s yeah you got you can't oh i know i well and yeah it's over man what do you mean no it's the thing that you do when you're 20

yeah you gotta you gotta not smoke i know i'm surprised that you don't have any smokers you don't have like any wrinkles like a smoker no it's because they spend all day in the sun yeah that'll keep the wrinkles away because he lost all that weight he's got all that extra skin yeah no i should be a wrinkle what uh what year of a car do you drive oh i don't even i think it's a 2001 i didn't even have a car. They might still have ashtrays. It does. Oh, and a lighter?

Does it have a lighter? Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess these all still have ashtrays. No, they don't. Jer drives a 2014 and there's no ashtray. Where does he keep his change?

What about lip balm? These are good questions. Yeah, but you can't. You gotta quit. I know. This year. You gotta quit this year. Yeah, but you can't. You gotta quit. I know. You gotta quit this year. Yeah, I'm looking for suggestions that won't turn me into a rage machine. You've read the Alan Carbo.

That was actually my most successful. I quit for nine months and then had the baby and started up again. I quit for nine months, but I put on like 35 pounds yeah was that before you lost the weight no it was after i'd lost oh okay and you're like damn it i was like that's not why i started again i started again just because i'm an idiot but that's how most people you've been quit for almost the whole time i've known you now yeah yeah 10 years it's been 10 or 11 years yeah i was gonna say i still think you, it's crazy. Still think about it every day.

And you know, and you're one of the reasons that I can't quit. Because you told me that four years ago. Yeah. I remember I was talking about it and I was like, does it ever go away? Hoping you would be like, oh yeah, I don't think about it.

And you were like, no, I think about it all the time. And I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. You're screwing us. But I don't, I wouldn't want to have to quit again. So that's why I don't start. Well, he quit tennis and he thinks about that all the time. I wasn't as addicted to tennis.

Didn't quite have its hold on you. I remember quitting halfway through the game like, this game's dumb. This is dumb, I'm not doing this anymore. Go get your bowl. But you've rented it for an hour i don't care i'm done just one ball for an hour john cryer's second autobiography uh-huh yeah yeah i don't think i've ever quit anything i mean like addictive okay i mean i've

quit comedy for sure do you not do it at all anymore uh not stand up yeah i'll do i'll do like you're still very funny no thanks i do this yeah i mean i produce more comedy than anyone in the city yeah uh which is why i haven't seen you for five years. You drink coffee, but you're not addicted to coffee. Could you go without coffee in the morning? I don't want to. Could you? But it's not, I could, I don't.

Like if you skip a day, do you get a headache? I don't skip a day. Yeah, I don't think I could skip a day of of coffee or cigarettes yeah also quick coffee because like wow you must just be so miserable i haven't i have at most two cups of coffee a day so i don't like feel any really negative effects of it no no i'm not saying but i'm just saying like uh of addictive things yeah because that's the only thing masturbating hmm hmm that's a tough one guys yeah also there's no downside to that speaking of things that you loved the first time you tried oh man yeah i was like practice practice practice so i got to carne Hall. One night only. We hope.

What's going on with you, my friend? Well, this is coming out at the end of July. Mid. Mid-July. So it's already full summertime here. And it is hot. Yeah, I'm speaking. It's full summertime here now in June. Yes.

And so this story still will apply. But it was like stinking hot the other day. And so I went to go see a movie 100% for the air conditioning. Like I had to go downtown and then I was so hot and I was like, I got a few hours. One for entourage, please. Correct. No, you didn't. You didn't.

Well, you said it would still be applicable, but that will not be in theaters. No, no. It won't be in theaters, but the idea of going to a movie because it's too hot. People won't remember the Entourage movie. Nor should they. Oh, man, it was bad. Were you the only one in the theater? No, there was about six of us in there.

Yeah, yeah. Were you the only one not masturbating in the theater? No, there was about six of us in there. Yeah, yeah. Were you the only one not masturbating in the theater? Yeah, no. What time of day? This is like two in the afternoon. What day of the week? Tuesday. That's not bad.

A Tuesday afternoon. Every entourage. 100% of the people were in there for the air conditioning. Right. And man. Was it worth it? I can say it's in the top five of worst movies I've ever seen. And you've seen a lot of movies.

Yeah, I've seen a lot of shitty movies. Yeah, but it's legitimately that bad. Well, there was nothing. There is nothing in it for anybody. I heard it's just misogyny through and through. It is nothing in it for anybody i heard it's just misogyny through and through it it is but it's not even it's like where it's like it doesn't even get that right it doesn't even get being a misogynistic film right uh and it there's no stakes yeah there never have been but wasn't there a point where he was like kind of less famous?

Yeah. The first season of that show I enjoyed. Right. Then it was just down. I'm going to say something controversial. Here we go. I know people hate watch it. I know it's not great.

I never watched it from a negative point of view. I was like, this is fine. What happens next? Yeah. It wasn't like i like i'm not terribly invested whether these guys win or lose frankly they're not gonna lose yeah but at one point in the show and i've watched uh i've seen some of the show uh some seasons i don't not the end but uh there was some sort of like they weren't all already winning. There was a time when Vince Vince.

Yeah. I was addicted to drugs. Sure. He was dating Sasha Gray the porn star. Yeah. And like you know and like things would weren't necessarily great for all of them. There was some sort of stake like if they don't get this then maybe they won't be able to stay in hollywood or whatever i mean it was really just a question of like are we going to be stars or superstars yeah well this was even less of a stake than that it

was like uh vinny wants to direct a movie and they're like okay we're putting in a lot of money and if we don't uh if this movie doesn't take then we're all gonna still have a lot of money like there's nobody they're not putting their all their money on the line or anything like that and hayley joel osmond is in it as a creepy texas kid cool but he's no creepier than the stars of the movie they treat him like he's a creep for just objectifying ladies. But I'm like, that's this whole show. And then fucking Johnny Drama wins a Golden Globe Award. Nice.

So that doesn't even fit with the reality of their own show. Right. Because he's a loser. Was he still on that show, the 60s Towns? Oh, what was it called? The Five Acres? I don't know. But he wasn't on anything.

And Turtle lost his weight, and he's a billionaire. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Spoilers, spoilers. Is he a millionaire from selling Avion? Yeah, tequila or something? Yeah. Mark Cuban's in it. Yeah, is it all cameos?

Yeah, and the worst cameo. I mean, there are a lot of cameos where I was like, I assume this person is famous. Do they get any other people from Shark Tank? No, just Mark Cuban. But there were a lot of cameos where it cut to somebody, and I was like, don't know who that is. I have no idea who that is.

But the worst cameo was Vinny's having a screening of his movie, but then he gets a case of the nerves. And so he's like, hey, everybody, we got to cancel the screening. But luckily, Pharrell is here. And then Pharrell's wearing his dumb hat. Like just casually he's wearing that dumb hat around town. But why do they have to cancel the screening of the movie? The movie didn't get nervous.

It's filmed already. Oh, and then they show. Oh, man. This was the best part of the movie the best worst part was they show a clip from the movie oh man and uh like you see the clip of it and then the rest of the movie is everybody saying how great the movie is and i'm like but that clip was from the movie you're talking about and it was yeah he's a dj right uh he's playing like a rave that's under an overpass and then he he puts this gun thing on his hand and shoots out like a grappling hook no like weird

gel that everybody it all lands in everybody's mouth and then they all start going crazy and like this is the movie in the movie. It gets nominated for Golden Globes, and there's Oscar buzz about it. It's just the worst. It is the worst film. And the turtle is CG. He's not even in it. Oh, come on now.

He was way in my hand. CGI. Yeah. Speaking of movies that got Oscar buzz or didn't, do you remember that one that came out last year starring Marky Mark Wahlberg and John Goodman? It was called The Gambler. The Gambler. It just came out around the time of the Oscar buzzy movies.

And I was like, ooh, that looks good. And then I never met anyone who saw it. It's on demand right now. I saw that. We almost watched it last night. John Goodman has, he's bald in it? Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder if that, if he really shaved his head or if it was. CG, if they turtled it? Yeah, it's weird that. He was wearing a green bald cap. Yeah, a turtle is CG, which is weird. But he's also a turtle. Oh, yeah? It's like who framed Jessica Rabbit or whatever, Roger Rabbit.

Yeah. Can turtle find love as a turtle? Oh, man. I'm going to see Jurassic World tomorrow. Oh, yeah, sure. I already bought my ticket. It opens tomorrow? Yeah.

It actually opens tonight, but I had plans. Us? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We'll do some Raptor stuff after the break. Yeah. I hope that's an innuendo.

Just a little Raptor stuff over the shirt. Are you excited for this film? I'm so excited. Have you seen the interim ones? Have you seen all of them? I've seen them all. I've only ever enjoyed the first two. How many have there been?

Three, four? Three, four. This will be the fifth. This is the fourth. Is this the fourth? Yeah. Jurassic Park. Jurassic.

Park two. Jurassic Train. Escape from Jurassic City. Planet of the Jurassic. The Jurassic Train. Yeah. Escape from Jurassic City. Jurassic. Planet of the Jurassic. Yeah. The Jurassic 5. Beyond the Jurassic planet.

And then the sitcom Dinosaurs. Mm-hmm. Not the mama. Oh, is that from that? Yeah. If one of the dinosaurs in Jurassic World said, not the mama, would you be upset? I would be like Oscar buzz. Oscar buzz.

Standing ovation. Oh, man. Or even if one of the, I was going to say grownups, but one of the human characters. You're sitting at the dinosaur table. If they were like, which one of these is the mother? Like, oh, this one's not the mama. Just like Chris Pratt. Just a little wink to the camera.

And then just a frying pan drops on his head. A bunch of grown-ups had dinosaur babies, and this is their story. It's gonna be the next show I pitch. Yeah. Oh, wow. 19 dinos and counting uh should we uh uh move on to overheard why not hey everyone we're the flop house one of the

newest additions to the maximum fun podcasting network i'm dan mccoy i'm stewart wellington and i'm elliot kalin what isophouse, you may very well ask? We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up.

Sick bird. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie. Or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs.

That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flophouse! Woo! Hello, I'm Taco, the Elephant Magician. Merle Highchurch here, the master of clerical magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter.

Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything is possible. Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximum Fun, in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience.

You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes. It's for Dungeons & Dragons, but with family. large role-playing experience. You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes. It's for Dungeons & Dragons, but with family. Overheard. Overheard. Graham, shut up. It's time for my favorite segment on the show.

Don't get your hopes up, listener. Tell me more about Entourage. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is a great segment. Because in the short break, Dave or Darcy asked, was Mark Wahlberg, upon whom Entourage is based... I did not know that. Yes, you did. Does he make an appearance in the movie?

And he does. I guess that makes sense that it's based on him because Donnie Wahlberg won that Golden Globe. I guess that makes sense that it's based on him because Donnie Wahlberg won that Golden Globe. Mark Wahlberg's appearance in the film is the most, he fits in the most plugs into a cameo. For his work? For his, so he runs into Vinny Chase. Yeah.

And the first thing, Vinny goes, what are you doing here? He's like, I'm doing looping for Ted 2. And then. You okay? Is there like a weird like rumbling happening for you guys? Oh, it might be the microphone when I get. Oh, yeah. I was like, is there a velociraptor in the closet? Yes, we promised velociraptors.

You got them. You were saying. So Vinny Chase says, what are you doing here at the studio and mark walberg says i'm doing doing some looping for ted 2 and he goes oh they're making a second one of those he's like i'd make 20 of them if i could and then you're like okay you got in your plug for ted you're we're done we're done right and then Vinny's like, the studio wants me to cut out Johnny Drama's scenes in the movie. And he goes, I'll tell you what. If I produce Wahlburgers, if they ever told me to cut out any of Donnie's scenes, I'd just fucking kill the guy. And then he plugs his friend who is a shoe dealer before they leave.

He's like, this is my friend So-and-so. He'll get you some shoes. Then walks out of the movie. What kind of notes is Mark Wahlberg getting about Wahlburgers? Yeah. Like, this isn't a show. We thought you would be

in it more when we saw you. Is he even in the show? Have you seen Wahlburgers? Apparently he drops by from time to time. To eat. Yeah. Guys gotta eat. Where in the show? Have you seen Wahlburgers? Apparently he drops by from time to time to eat. Yeah. Guy's got to eat. Where does the show take place? In Boston or Los Angeles?

I don't know. Boston? I think. I've seen a couple episodes. My neighbor watches it. I don't have cable, so I just watch through her window. Oh, you old snooker. Now, it is time for overheards.

And we always like to start with the guest. Are you ready? Yeah, I got one. It's kind of an overheard oversaw. I don't know if that's allowed. No, it's not. Are you guys strict rules? I was at Kitts Beach.

And we were walking along. It was me and my mom, and there was an older couple at a bench. The woman was standing at a walker, and the older man was kind of leaning with his hands on the back of the bench, kind of hunched over, looked a little pale out of breath. pale out of breath. As we walk by, I hear the old lady saying to him, I told you to bring your fucking walker, but you're too goddamn stubborn and now you're going to have to sit here

until you can walk home because I'm not sharing. My mom and I kind of snicker and we keep our walk going. An hour and a half later, my mom and I come back and he's still sitting on the bench by himself so my mom reacts like dave and she's like oh that's so sad and i convinced my mom that she was

taking her walker home and was gonna double up walkers to bring him back he's gonna wear his probably just yeah probably just died on a bench. But I just liked it because I thought people are always like, oh, it's so cute seeing couples together for 60, 70 years. It's like at some point, it just becomes spite. I thought you'd be dead by now.

Me too. We had a deal. Do you know those benches that have like a plaque dedicated to someone? Do you know how benches that have like a plaque dedicated to someone? Yeah. Do you know how much those cost? No. Bob, a guess. Do you know?

Someone, I think my mom was saying that one of her friends tried to get one for someone. I would say $500 seems like a reasonable. My guess is five grand. The number I heard was $60,000. No. Holy shit. Maybe that's not across the board. the number I heard was $60,000 no holy shit maybe that's not across the board maybe that's just

primo bench real estate I don't think I love anyone that much hmm I'd love them if they left me millions of dollars yeah

even if they did I'd dedicate like I'd maybe laminate a post-it you know stick it on the fridge I would dedicate a bench to the Entourage movie.

If I had $60,000. My favorite benches are the ones that have the Asimov's Rules of Robotics. From where they shot I, Robot in New Westminster. Yeah. How much do you think those went for? Oh, probably free. Oh, yeah. That was probably a perk of doing the movie.

Dave, do you have an overheard? Oh, I guess so was probably a perk of doing the movie. Dave, do you have an overhead? Oh, I guess so. Let me look in here. $60,000. Well, I got that on me. Yeah, yeah. That's true. But I got it in large bills.

Mm-hmm. So, you know, will they be like, great, what am I going to do with this $1,000? It's a $40,000 bill. In my neighborhood there was a there's a um uh russian orthodox church all right and quite often there's kids just speaking russian which is weird to hear but yeah i will crush you things like that mostly uh things from rocky four let's crush you um and uh but there was some the kids speaking english that i heard from across the street and um they were in the yard of the church just running around doing kid stuff

and one thing i i've never heard a kid say but i've heard a grown-up say many times is uh what's so great about minecraft which is i don't even know what that is i know what it is but i don't know what's so great about it it's a thing that kids watch grown-ups play on youtube yeah that seems to be what that is and the other thing i heard in the same conversation was a kid bragging i'm getting a real metal bow with real metal arrows with real metal tips. And also his friends never saw him again. Because he killed himself.

With an arrow. He was impaled on an arrow. The plastic arrow sucked, so I got metal ones coming. Oh, man. Have you played Minecraft? It's great. No, I never have, i don't walk around in a

world of something is that what it is i think so you can you build things yeah you build things and you oh like civilization yeah it's very blocky though yeah you're like a lego man building a life-size lego house yeah you're like a blocky character just play play with Lego. No, no, no. That's old. Yeah, that's old person stuff. You want to go on YouTube and see a grown-up make a Lego guy out of Minecraft. My overheard comes from, I went and saw Emmett Hall. Oh, okay. He has a Beloved show. It's him playing music.

I think it was called Beloved. It was Beloved? I can't remember now. Are you thinking of Toni Morrison? Yeah, yeah. That's what I think it was called Beloved. It was Beloved. I can't remember. Are you thinking of Toni Morrison? Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm thinking of. That's what I was at. Anyways, it was great.

It was at Music Waste. And I was sitting in front of a group of girls who were all talking about their tattoos. Oh. Which I assume that's what every 20-year-old girl is talking about. Tattoos and what they mean to them. And this one was going on and on about her tattoos oh i love it and uh she said uh she was talking to a a boy a prospective boy uh that he was he's a boy of his relationship to her um and he uh he was saying or she was saying to him, if my snake tattoo is a deal breaker, then what am I in this for?

Right? Yeah. Right? And she also said, what was the other thing she said? Oh, I have 13 tattoos, but you wouldn't know if I wasn't wearing a bikini. So these are overheards. How old was this young man? 20, right?

20, 22 max. 13 is pretty, it's quite a number for that age. That's what's happening now. Oh, yeah. The kids, man. Do you have any? I've got, I've got about 70 of them. No, I've got a bunch.

My best friend's a tattoo artist. That's a sitcom. My best friend's my wife. Yeah. Oh, shit. I hope you're my wife. Yeah. Oh, shit. Hope you're not listening, Jer. Actually, I took out Facebook today. It was Jer showed me the soulmate quiz.

All you do is log in. It let this thing log into your Facebook. Oh, yeah. And then it tells you who on Facebook's your soulmate. And I knew I shouldn't have clicked it. I knew I definitely shouldn't have clicked it with Jer behind me. And I clicked it. And it brought definitely shouldn't have clicked it with Jer behind me. And I clicked it and it brought a picture of Carl and I up

and that's like, you know, people just always assume we're soulmates and now Facebook's confirmed it. Who's Carl? He's my best friend. Oh. Tattoo artist? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you see who, that's what came up for me. Oh, I died. A party sub.

I laughed so hard. You're the reason i had to take the fucking quiz because you were hoping i was showing jerry i was showing jerry was like look what graham did when you posted that of you in the sandwich i was like what i i thought it was that thing where it tells you what age you look you look as old as a sandwich i did that with uh what do you call it benjamin button and they were like this, this guy's 79. I was like, wrong. He's one stupid computer. He's a toddler.

We also have overheards that are sent in to us from around the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org This first one comes from Carrie G. Don't know where from, but she was on the bus with a guy sitting in the back pretending he was driving the bus.

He was miming steering the wheel, braking at the stops, and everything. Then when he was getting off the bus, he pointed at the doors and said, give it to me before opening them. Nice. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. And you thought you were alone on the bus that day. Do you, when you take the bus and you get off the bus, do you thank the driver? Yeah.

I do not. Unless it's if it's crazy rush hour. Then I feel like I'm just yelling into somebody's ear. Yeah. Oh, you yell thanks driver? No. Yeah. Thanks driver feel like I'm just yelling into somebody's ear. Yeah. Oh, you yell thanks, driver? No. Yeah, thanks, driver. Or no, I just say thanks when I get off.

Mostly I'm just thanking the door. Yeah. I thank him when I get on. Just, hey, thanks. Hey, keep fighting the good fight. Sometimes. I slip a 50 in his breast pocket. Sometimes they don't even want to look at you.

Why would they? You're garbage. You're luggage. But like, if I'm the bus driver, the last thing I want to do is look at the people getting on the bus. Have you seen the people getting on the bus?

Always they take the same route when I'm going downtown. So you get the same drivers, right? You get the same drivers and I also see the same route when I'm going downtown. So you get the same drivers, right? You get the same drivers. And I also see the same dudes that never pay to get on the bus. Right? And they always come on and they have... Like, I like the bus driver that lets them do the whole story.

Because other bus drivers will be like, just get on it and give a shit. But some bus drivers will be like, and? And tell me more. And then what happened? What are the stories? Oh, you know. That's it? Yeah.

And then? And then? And what? This next one comes from Chris G. I was walking by a family that seemed to consist of a few kids, parents, and grandparents, and I heard the grandfather say to the son, it's like a dream catcher, but filled with cheese. Oh, like cheesecloth.

Yeah, there you go. I was trying to think of what. Cheesecloth, perfect. You have the same grin? Yeah, it's like, I honestly don't know what cheesecloth is. Is it what they use to pull curds out? No, it's what they use to strain liquid from things like cheese. Is that right?

Yeah. Wow. Do you know how to make cheese? Wow. Do you know how to make cheese? No, but you use cheesecloth for other things like almond, to make almond milk and such. You make your own almond milk? I tried once.

It cost $32 for a glass, and then I realized I could just go and buy it for $4. It cost $32 to make a glass? Yeah, like I tried to make a glass of almond milk, and it took so many fucking almonds to make it. And I was like, well, this is not the business. This is not going to be. It was like my tennis was making almond milk. I'm lactose intolerant. I got this garbage bag full of almonds. I got eight hours to make.

This last one comes from Justine S. in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, USA. My gym has a chalkboard for people to write their fitness goals. People write things like, get a good butt. Or, your butt's fine. Or, bench more than the rock. And fun fitness things like that. The other day I saw that someone wrote

sneak into this gym. And today there was a check mark next to it. When they say benchmark more than the rock, do they mean the wrestler or the rock? Maybe like that rock. Oh yeah.

Oh like I want to bench more weight than how much that rock yeah yeah like good you know the rock you know the rock out front gibraltar um that rock that's been giving me the stink eye all week do they want to bench the rock like like him himself yeah like a little bit more than he can bench or bench more than he weighs yeah how much do you think a bench to the rock would oh sixty thousand dollars Like him himself? Yeah, like a little bit. Bench more than he can bench or bench more than he weighs? Yeah. How much do you think a bench to the rock would cost? Oh, $60,000. Dedicate that to the rock.

Does it have to be to somebody dead? No, you can do it to, you know. I could buy a bench outside your place that just says, hi, Graham. Yeah. What about this? You go on a first date. This for millionaires only. Yeah, and creeps. You go on a first date. This for millionaires only. Yeah.

And creeps. You go on a first date. And creeps. Yeah. You go for a walk in the park. You sit down. And then you're like, what does this inscription say? And it says, sleep with them. Their whispers.

Sleep with them, Janet. It's not actually a plaque. My name's Julie. And he's like, son of a bitch. Then who's Janet actually a plaque. My name's Julie. He's like, son of a bitch. Then who's Janet? I am. The bench? Get out of the way, Julia.

Janet and I need some time alone. I'm going to fuck a bench tonight. When I was in high school, my friend Phil Slonwhite, he found out. What's his phone number? Do you remember? Oh, geez Louise. I think it was 278-1210. Let's call it right now and find out.

Hello, Mrs. and Mrs. Slonwick. Mrs. and Mrs. Slonwick. Well, I don't know. Slonwhite. But he called the company that sold bus bench advertising and figured out how much it would cost if we split it amongst like four or five of our friends. To get a pizza? No, just to put our faces on a bus bench. And?

And what was it? It was like in the, I think it was like for like $300 each we could do it. That's not bad. Yeah, it was like. For how long? $1,200 to $1,500. But you have to get it printed up yourself, don't you? Yeah, I think so. Plus on top of that.

I have a picture of my dad and Jane Stanton on the ferry a couple weeks ago and my dad's doing the rose from Titanic and Jane's behind him like Leonardo DiCaprio and my dad's birthday's in July and I am taking that and putting it in the Qualicum newspaper

as an engagement announcement for them. And it's my favorite prank in the world. It's relatively cheap, you know, 75 bucks. To put an engagement announcement. To put an engagement. And they will never, they're not going to look it up. That's also a good first date. Oh, so it's a prank that will never pay off?

Yeah. That's also a good first date Oh so it's a prank that will never pay off? Yeah That's also a good first date The thing is if you go You put an ad saying that you're engaged You photoshopped you and this person together In a photo In a porno photo This is me fisting you In our engagement announcement

And they're like It says file photo in the corner Yeah It's fun Engagement announcement. And they're like, it says file photo in the corner. It's fun. It's fun stuff. Yeah. So that's the show.

No, it's not. Okay. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Thanks for coughing. Hey, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Rachel from Oregon calling with an alert. This is another one from

the grocery store where I work. I was working in one of the aisles and these two young ladies walked past. They were reading the aisle headers with the descriptions of where items are, trying to find the particular thing

they were looking for. And as they turned down the aisle I was on, one girl said, Baby needs maybe? Babies need applesauce. To which the other girl replied, And dad's like a big baby. Pretty good.

So they were looking for applesauce for their big baby? For their big baby dad. Big baby daddy needs applesauce. Yeah, dad's like a baby. Oh, how about that for a sit-com? Wherece for their big baby. For their big baby dad. Big baby daddy needs applesauce. Yeah, it does look like a baby. Oh, how about that for a sitcom? Where the dad is a baby. And it's called Baby Daddy. Yeah, it's based on my life.

You love that way too much. Baby Daddy. Oh, man. And he's got a job and everything. Yeah. Yeah, but they've got to cover for him all the time because they're the only ones that know he's a baby. Chuck Lorre is sitting in a room right now listening to this writing frantically. He's really interested in women's breasts and it's a problem at work.

The HR department has to have weekly briefings with him. Would it kill you to look at the woman in the face? Blah, blah, blah. Kids are like, he hasn't eaten. He's angry. Yeah. Oh, baby daddy, coming this winter. Oh, it's a winter replacement?

Yeah. Put it on the fall schedule. No, they open it right in sweeps. November sweeps. Starts with a Christmas episode. It's like the opposite of one of those British shows. It starts with a two-hour Christmas special. Yeah.

What if a Christmas special was so successful that they're like well let's turn it into a series but it's all set around a christmas time sure sure i love you egg them on sure keep going here's your next phone call hello d, Dave and Graham, and probably a guest. My name is Daniel from Washington, and I have an overheard for you. My friend and I went to play some laser tag the other day, and we got grouped with what seemed like a 12-year-old birthday party. And so after the game finished, we were exiting the laser tag arena,

and I saw a boy and a girl walking next to one another. And I recognized the boy because he was wearing this bright neon yellow shirt, and it was really easy to see him all game. And so as we're walking out, the girl turned to him and goes, why did you wear that shirt today? You knew we were playing laser tag. And the boy responded, I did it on purpose, okay? I wanted more of a challenge.

You don't get me. Let's break up. That's Napoleon Dynamite complex. I like that he called it the laser tag arena. Yeah. Because always when I did it, it was a warehouse with plywood. I also like that he was a little surprised.

For some reason, there seemed to be a group of 12-year-olds there. Where were their parents? Why are they allowed to do this on their own? Me and my militia boys. Yeah. Oh, man. I worked at a laser dome.

Did you really? Yeah, when I was in high school, I worked at the laser dome in North Vancouver. And it was fucking terrible. Oh, really? I would think that it would be kind of hilarious. It was all birthday parties and such. I have a scar under my mustache from the laser dome because I was trying to walk back. Because you got hit by a laser?

I was trying to walk back through the dome to go outside for a cigarette. Sure. I was trying to walk back through the dome to go outside for a cigarette. Sure. And this kid came around the corner with his gun and just smoked me in the face. And I have like an Irish temper. And I remember being like 16, being like, you can't hit an 11-year-old. But I wanted to just fucking, you klutzy motherfucker. If you're 16, I think you can do half your age plus seven.

I think he's the 15-year-old. Were you sitting in the front desk? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, and then just had to walk through the back to go smoke. What's the youngest person you can punch? What, if you do your equation? No, just right now. Oh, I'd say 18.

Yeah, 18. If you can. Make it nice and legal. My daughter's dating an 18-year-old, and I have fantasized about punching him. So I'm definitely. I've never hit somebody. I've never close-fist punched anybody. Have you?

Oh, yeah. Like in the face? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Have you? No. Yeah.

Really? I'm a lover. I know. Me too. I just go for the kiss. Graham's a fighter. We should fight, Dave. You and I? Yeah. Oh, I don't want to do that. Oh, I know. I just want to kiss you. I's a fighter. We should fight, Dave. You and I?

Oh, I don't want to do that. Oh, I know. I just want to kiss you. I don't even want to do that. I guess I misspoke. You just want to go maybe play a game of laser tag.

I'm not a lover. I misspelled that. I'm a loner. Here's your final overheard of the year. Hello, Dave, Graham, and Grandpa. This is Addison R. from Bloomington, Indiana. Here's your final overheard of the year. between a couple of middle-aged people, a man and a woman, and then a younger gentleman who had a couple neck tattoos, and he was doing some raking or something with a tool.

Possibly a rake. They were having a conversation, and the middle-aged man, I just overheard when I walked past, he said, I always called them hornbeams. I can't believe he didn't know what it was. Is that how it went? You know how I was going to know this one when I went into it. I think that's how it went. How'd it go?

Do you guys screen these? Yeah. I mean, this one. Something like that. I wonder which... I mean, I should know at this point probably who... I mean, I know... It's, uh...

Dave's checking these things? I don't know. I wonder who's checking these things. I wonder how many times you have to hear people say dumb things. Not say I said a dumb thing. I said a very smart thing. Oh, my gosh. Okay.

Yep. Really great. Horn beans. Horn beans. Oh, boy. Oh, man. If you're going to screw it up, screw it up all the way. That guy's name was Addison. My mother recently said to me that if Abby and I have another child and it's a boy, she was like, I think you'll name it Addison.

Addison. And I was like, I don't think I will. What about Madison? Yeah, that's true. After my favorite website, Ashley Madison. Daddy, where's my name come from? Well, you know Graham, right? He loves his internet.

There's a website that he liked for some reason. Yeah. About hooking up married people to have affairs. He has a fear of commitment. Can single people go on Ashley Madison to do it have a marriage. Fear of commitment. Can single people go on Ashley Madison to do it with a marriage? Yeah,

like I guess you could just lie and say you're married. but I also think there's a, I think there's like an attractiveness threshold. I don't think

it's just for the, I don't think it's just for average citizens. Oh, like you gotta have to get approved. Now, with gay marriage,

can gay people go on Ashley Madison? Interesting. Now, with gay marriage, can gay people go on Ashley Madison? Interesting. Or is there a gay, is there a Gashly Madison? Why would it be Gashly Madison? Gashly. Wouldn't it just be

Gary Madison? I think for gay. Gashly Madison, is that an Edward Gorey story? Well, that's the end of this here episode. We petered out.

Anything's to plug? Where do people find out dates and stuff? I have a website, DarcyMichael.com. Yeah. And Twitter, I'm at the Darcy Michael. And Darcy is with no E in it. Yeah, it's D-A-R-C-Y. But there's an apostrophe. No fucking way. I wish I was Darcy is with no E in it. Yeah, it's D-A-R-C-Y. But there's an apostrophe. No fucking way.

I wish I was Darcy. I would be Darcy Michelle. Not bad. It's pretty good. It's definitely going to be my drag queen name. Yeah, it's D-A-R-C-Y-M-I-C-H-A-E-L. Or just Google Gay Darcy. Or just look at this episode of the podcast.

Oh, there. Look at your phone. And if you are in the Montreal area, if you're looking for shows to see at Just for Laughs, you're on a gala? Yeah, I'm doing a taping. I think it's July 22nd or 23rd. I don't know. But I'm doing shows from the 21st to the 27th in Montreal. So check them out.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming back on the podcast. Thanks for having me. I'll see you guys in five years. Well, we'll see. Yeah. Sending approval. See what the numbers are like.

See what the feedback is. Ask Addison what he thinks. Oh, yeah. You mean my baby son, Addison? Yeah. And do we baby son, Addison? Yeah. And do we have anything we gotta plug now? You're... Where am I now?

Oh, you're probably in Montreal as well. You're with me in Montreal. Oh, yeah. I'm in Montreal. Yeah. I've been doing one. Graham Clark reads the phone book. And then a taping.

That's it. I'm not doing a whole week like this guy. Well, you've got the better gig. Oh, do I? Yeah. Well, I'll take it. And then from there you go to... Edinburgh, Scotland. That's it I'm not doing a whole week Like this guy Well you got the better gig Oh do I Yeah Well I'll take it And then from there You go to

Edinburgh Scotland All through August Yeah yeah Amazing It'll be It'll be so cool there While it's so hot here I'll be wearing full clothes

And do we have a show In September or October October In Edmonton Calgary No Calgary Yeah we've already Did that show in Edmonton. Calgary. No, Calgary. Yeah, we've already did that show in Edmonton.

Great show. Yeah, fun times. Maybe. We haven't done it yet in real life. Yeah. If you like the show, head over to

MaximumFun.org to check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. You know, Mark Wahlberg's appearance in Entourage.

Uh-huh. If that's on YouTube yet. That Pet Shop Boys song from the very beginning of the show. That thing Darcy talked about. Ashley Madison. Yeah, nothing of mine. Tennis, we'll have a picture of tennis. I'll see you guys in eight years, I feel like.

Oh, okay. And if you like the show, please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.