Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 392 - Steph Tolev

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

Comedian Steph Tolev joins us to talk about dad fights, minor league baseball, and anonymous roommates.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 392 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who swears that today is the last day of wearing shorts. Mr. Dave Shumka. Did you see the weather? Yeah. Get well the getting's good. You're dying in denim.

No, no, I'm fine. Oh, look at you. Oh, look at your puddle. I feel good. Feel good about my choice to wear a summery shirt uh-huh good enough no no no i want to see those knees you know babies don't have kneecaps what yeah well yeah what do they need them for they develop them later yeah they'd be wasted on babies them just lying around kneeing people yeah it's because it would be dangerous. The more you think about the

skeleton stuff of a baby, the scarier they become. With the two sets of teeth that they're born with? Yeah, they got two sets of teeth happening. Like, their adult teeth are hidden up in their skull while they have their baby teeth. Like, they're all it's gross. And they don't have

kneecaps. No. And they've got, their skull is still shifting around. Oh yeah, they're born with way more bones than they end up with. So yeah. And then most of them, they just come out and barf. They barf out extra bones they don't need. And our guest today, a very funny lady, comedian. One half of the sketch duo, Lady Stash,

which you guys will be at, JFL 42. Yes, we will. Miss Steph Tolev is our guest. Oh, hi. Oh, hi. Hi. Thanks for being our guest.

No, thanks for having me here. I'm feeling, I'm hung over and the kneecap thing is making me feel real sick right now. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, like in a I'm sorry. I didn't know. I know, like, in a fun way, but I didn't know. That is fun.

I didn't know that. Does your baby right now have knees up there? Like, what's going on? She's got knees. She's got the joint. Is it weird if I feel your baby's knees before I leave? I guess not. I need to feel this.

No, of course. Yeah, I think we're all going to have a good, we're all going to have a squeeze. You wouldn't even notice because it's all just chub from her head to her toes. Yeah. She's a real Michelin man. Michelin girl. Yes. Yeah.

And we are living in a Michelin world. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Steph, you've been out in Vancouver for? Almost two and a half weeks now, yeah. Yeah. And you were telling me, too long.

It's just, you know. No, I've been on a couch for two weeks. My back's fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. Do you feel like you're coming to the end of your couch surfing career oh this is i'm way past 30 is not couching anymore like my body's like morphing in a weird i like every night i've been having to get drunk sleep i well i'm telling myself that

i need those drinks to sleep uh but kind of i do because it's really your body shouldn't do that yeah it's not right it's not and it's not a particularly comfy couch it's fine but it's really, your body shouldn't do that. Yeah. It's not right. And it's not a particularly comfy couch. It's fine, but it's like I'm sore and I'm old. It's just weird. Like my old bones need to be out straight. Yeah. Not like I'm in a ball in my coffin. Coffin style.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put me in a coffin. I'd love that. Is it at least long enough that you can have your legs stretched out? Yes, yes. It's a full couch. That's pretty good. I'm upgrading it.

Yeah. You're not sleeping in a lazy boy. No, but that's also why i've been on tinder because honestly just wanted a bed i'm not gonna lie to anybody i want a fucking bed yeah so that is that what your profile reads i just want a fucking bed yes if like that's a good plan. If you're on Tinder as a dude or a local man or woman, uh, just make your profile picture a bed, like a really comfy bed, a really nice bed,

brand new duvet, you know, nice arrangement of pillows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got some pillows on there. Yeah.

I got, I got those blackout curtains. Everybody likes. Oh yeah. So you can sleep late. I should have put this. Just looking for a bed and a blackout curtain. That's it.

It's swipe right the good way? Yeah. Yeah. We've connected on Tinder. We have, yes. In Toronto. In Toronto. We matched up.

Oh, hi. Yeah, it's a lot of fun to match with somebody that you know. It is fun. Yeah, it's like a weird joke thing. But then some comics get creepy. Don't want to say the person's name. But they sort of offer me like weird back massages. Like, this was a joke until the back massage thing.

Why weird back massages? Yeah, I'm going to use my feet. It was like three in the morning. He's like, I really feel like giving you a massage. Oh, come on. Okay, what do you do? What do you do? Remember the lower back chat we had last night?

Yeah. Now, this was something. You guys had an LBC? Well, go ahead. Because we're just saying, like, it's a very creepy thing for a woman, for a guy to go directly to lower back. But I think I did it to you last night. Yeah, did not like it it's very weird what is it what do you just so you're talking to a woman and and uh you have your hand like on the lower part of her back right to the lower like the small just as a part of a chat yeah yeah yeah like you know how some

people if you if you're talking to them they'll you know like touch your shoulder or whatever like but this is this like next level it's just oh when they like move you out of the way that's the worst excuse me and they lower back move you it's like don't you don't touch there yeah yeah it's a weird place to touch and then when she did it to me i was like i don't like that uh uh like grade 7 slow dancing like you would never touch the lower back you're you're barely on the hips oh man

yeah a lifetime on the lips you're levitating wait that doesn't work wait what I think when I when we were kids didn't you just

touch the other person's shoulders no the girl had it on the guy's shoulders and the guy oh yeah and they'd be like nervously like

you'd feel the hands shaking on your hips oh I miss those days yeah those were the days those were the days square dance lessons getting creepily touched

like a sweaty 15 year old there's still the day yeah you're still getting creepily touched yeah yeah I am it's way worse now but what how do you

you know some dudes are you wearing like a backless dress oh that would be oh that would be so awful A bare skin I would punch somebody in the throat if that happened

I swear to God That is so gross But who wears a backless dress? Hey, there's a lot of tops right now Got a lot of backs hanging out I'm really up with fashion A lot of back dresses I want my back to hang out

Yeah You gotta dress with like A back hole Just the lower back Just enough that a hand Can fit in there That's it Just slide it

Yeah do you have like A glove shaped hole In the back of a dress But I would say Like that's a That's that Small of the back Is like

For partner Partners only Yeah That's not a That's not a that's not a chatting or waitress. Like you can touch a waitress there.

Are you serious? I was like oh my god. Can I get another plum sauce please and just a lower back touch? Excuse me. Yeah. This onion isn't

blooming enough. Also that plum sauce is his own twin. Yeah. Actually I was hoping This onion isn't blooming enough Also That plum sauce Yeah Actually I was hoping I'd get the little Metal glass with the milkshake As well Thanks hun

It's a little tickle Have you ever worked in the service industry Yeah Waitress At like what type of establishment? I started at a place called Fox and Fiddle. Mm-hmm. A pub.

Pub, local pub. They had karaoke every Saturday night, and I wanted to rip out my own eyes. Yeah. But that way, then you'd still hear it. You'd be like, well, I ripped off the wrong part. I didn't think this through, and now I can't see. Yeah, it's like a Twilight Zone episode. No, they had beautiful voices.

They were just really ugly. What was the most popular karaoke song over the years? Journey. Don't Stop Believing. That's the classic. That's the go-to. And this one girl would always sing Bjork and think she was good, but she tried to do the voice and it was just, ugh.

It still hurts me. Wait, people sing Bjork? think she was good, but she'd try to do the voice, and it was just, ugh. Still hurts me. Wait, people sing Bjork? Yeah, like if she thought she was cool, so she'd do, it was a weird, like, I don't know, show tunes thing. Oh, that one, yeah. The one that's like, da-na-na. Yeah, okay. I can't sing.

I don't want to do it. Fair enough. That's it. That's all you get. But yeah, that's the only one that sort of makes sense in karaoke. I guess, yeah. Yeah, because all of her other songs are like, Have you ever been close to a human?

And the audience is like, is she singing? For my karaoke piece, I am mailing you an envelope of breath. I'm mailing you an envelope of breath. I actually have seen a video of Bjork singing. I think she's just with a piano player doing show tunes, but the only song she sings is she introduces it as her favorite song, and then it's, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Then shut the fuck up. We're going to dance and sing. I can't. Turn off the game. But there was a girl that she did like a full like song and dance number.

And I was like, maybe she's here every week or she's a ringer maybe. Choreograph? Like what do you mean? Like she had these great dance moves and she was singing some song about licking a crack Little Kim How Many Licks yeah yeah no not that one yeah maybe

oh that's the filthiest yeah yeah that and the oh the dance move just a bunch of like very like hip hop dancing like my neck

my back my pussy that one yeah yeah that one and then but she had a great dance moves, and she was a good singer. And I was like, but like, do you think maybe she's like a pro, and this is her night off,

and she's like, just going to go wow some people. No, like she's like a professional dancer or something. She was really, really good. Anyways. She thinks it's a big break. Has there been? Yeah. Well, this is it.

We're all talking about her. There's only been the one karaoke movie, right? The one with Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis? Yeah. Well, I don't know. There might be... Duets? There might be several of them in Japan. There might be a whole genre over there. Karaoke.

Yes. So you worked at... That's where you started working. Did you work at the same place the whole time? No, three years. And then I went to a place called Duff's Famous Wings. Okay. If you like wings.

And fame. Oh, man. Yeah, actually, it was a good place to work, but I was there for seven years, and it was too long. Actually, I worked with my sketch partner, Allison, worked there with me. And like. A lot of fun. A lot of fun to be had there. Sports bar?

That's like a sports bar. No, it was probably a family wing restaurant. Yeah. Oh, was it wacky? No, it wasn't wacky. The name was so stupid though. Yeah.

And I would try to like make jokes. You know the chickens that were in the Muppets? That's who he is. And nobody would ever laugh, but I would do it all the time.

One of those famous chickens available. Those big characters from them up. Yeah, we serve up Gonzo's girlfriend. Wasn't it Camilla? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have looked more into it. Who are the other famous chickens?

There must be. Those ones from the commercial for chicken. Chicken Joy Chicken. Chicken George. That's curious, George. Chicken make a lousy house pet. Chicken, there's the chicken that Peter Griffin gets in a fight with. Foghorn Leghorn.

There we go. He's a famous chicken. Are you serious? Huh? Foghorn Leghorn's a chicken? Yeah. Yeah, what did you think he was? A person. What? Like a southern chicken? Yeah Yeah, what did you think it was? A person

What? Like a southern politician? Yeah Do you know who Now I need to look up Foghorn Lakehorn is He's the cartoon chicken Who's like

Oh, I Yeah Oh I didn't know that You didn't Yeah Well, I watch cartoons I never

I honestly only know that Like I don't think I ever heard anyone Name him in the cartoon No But All this time When people would do Foghorn Lakehorn You thought they were I honestly only know that. I don't think I ever heard anyone name him in the cartoon. No. But all this time when people would do Foghorn Lake, you thought they were doing an impression of a man? Yeah, a man.

I thought he was like a man. Oh, man. Oh, man, oh, man. That southern man. I wonder if Kentucky Fried Chicken ever had a chicken mascot where they were like, we'll get rid of the colonel for a while that's what his goatee was if you look closely it's just a small chicken yeah if you turn him

upside down it's actually a beautiful young lady or two vases in them wait two vases kissing um but you're retired from the uh waitressing game. Yeah, I did one like the last five months. What flavor of wings did they have? Don't make me do this. And what kind of dips? You know what was so fucking, this is a weird thing that I would do. I'd memorize everyone's orders, and we'd have a lot of regulars come in. I'd never write orders down because I was like, I need to do something to keep my mind sharp.

You will be my Sudoku. But I'd be like, I would memorize those orders so much that I'd see them on the street and I'd be like, fuck. Fucking 10, 10 mild, medium, blue cheese, diet coke. I fucking know it. So at a show, this is real, at a show, before I came out here, I get on stage and I see this like couple. I'm like, hey, this is weird, but you guys used to come to Duff's all the time, right? And they're like, yeah. I'm like, how much you want to bet? I can say your order right now. They're like, yeah, right. I'm like, and I'm like hey this is weird but you guys used to come to Duff's all the time right and they're like yeah I'm like how much

you want to bet I can say your order right now they're like yeah right and I said it like to a T I'm like number four special let's put a million dollars on this

I got this such a waste of time such a waste of my mind but I used to do the same thing but I know this fucking clown's order

from four years ago well if he was a clown, he'd be very memorable. Hey, he was easy. A lot of clowns came in to get wings. Order of wings, giant seltzer bottle, extra floppy napkins. I don't know what clowns would eat. They don't need a napkin. They brought the hankies to the lady.

Yeah, that's right. That'd be so annoying. But that would be perfect for wings. A never-ending napkin. Oh, yeah. Did they come with a little hand wipe deal? Got some wipes called swipes. Swipes.

Got some swipes and you got a bone bucket. That was my favorite part. And there's one thing. We need another bone bucket. I brought extra bones. I have this baby. Put the baby in the bucket. No, they had this stupid thing where it's like the hottest wings in Toronto.

So if you eat them, you can get on this like wall of pain. But it would cost so much money because they're like extra sauces, like more money. You have an hour to eat like as many wings as you could. But like you have one. I had one once and I touched my eye and I couldn't see for like a week. It was fucked up. They're not good. Well, why did you touch your eye right away?

I didn't mean to. I was stupid. I was young. I was drunk. No. Just drunk at work. But people would do it and it would be so revolting. There's this one guy that would come in.

People did it more than once? He would try to beat his own record. That was his regular order. It was. No, seriously. He would get to beat his own record. That was his regular order. It was. No, seriously. He would get like 50 Armageddon wings. And he looked like a chicken because his neck was like a separate person. So when he ate, his neck would move.

I'll show you. I'll show you him right now. No, don't. No, I want you to see him because he's so gross. And then he changed his name on Facebook to the Wing King. And then his last name. We were so embarrassed for the guy. Like, this is all he had.

Was this a fucking... What if it turns out he's like... He might be dead now. No. He's an accomplished pianist. Yeah. He plays with his chin. That's in the Toronto Star.

The Wing King is dead. Long live the Wing King I do want to show you this picture Yeah, we want to see it real bad Oh, wow And so now you're out You're out of the game Yeah And you're planning on moving to

LA, yes, yes, yes Exciting? Yes Uh, yeah What? LA, yes, yes, yes. Exciting? Yes. Uh, yeah. What? No, I know. It's just scary. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Are you going to, you're not sleeping on any couches when you go down there. You got a bed lined up? Get Tinder lined up. I'm going to start swiping now. Do you have to be in the place for Tinder to work? Recently, I noticed this. Can you remotely Tinder?

No, I think if you Can you remotely Tinder? No. I think if you pay money, you can swipe wherever you want. Oh. Oh, really? You can swipe in a different city, yeah. You can swipe the lower back. The place is called lower back. Your profile picture is just you with a sleeping cap, ready for snoozes.

But yeah, it's exciting, right? It's exciting. It's just, yeah, it's very nerve-wracking. And you're, are you somebody that drives? Yes. So you're, that's, you're fine. Well, yeah, yeah. I need to get a car.

Yeah, like in Toronto, you're not driving around. You're on transit and stuff. Or do you have a car? No, no, my parents' car. Nice. I'm also living with my parents right now ballin how's that is that all right it's actually great because they go up north all summer so i've had like the house myself for like three months house parties not anymore i used to yeah to the oh yeah did you throw like a rager oh i had so many razors really oh my god and like but like my parents house is very nice it's very clean so i had to clean for like seven hours before they my God. And like, but like my parents' house is very nice. It's very clean.

So I had to clean for like seven hours before they come back the next day. But they like just got the carpets taken up like last year. And the guy that I took them out was like, Jesus Christ, what kind of things went on in this house? Because they were just fucking stained. Just like fully stained. Like shit. But why did they need a carpet expert to know that? Because like the top of the carpet,, my dad had all these cleaning supplies,

so I'd get rid of the spot stains, so they'd just sink to the bottom, just fucking black. And he's like, well, yeah, this one's real. I opened it up, I lifted up the carpet, and a ghoul came out.

Honest to God, ghoul. A Japanese stain monster from a movie. So, were you the person in high school like, we're having the big party at my house? But I was like, so one time a guy lit up a cigarette and I'm like, get out. Get out. And then I made him stand in the backyard and I just closed the screen and I didn't let him come in for the rest of the party. So he'd be trying to be part of the conversation. Like, no, Mike, you're not here anymore.

So he was standing outside on the other side of the screen like, still here, guys. Yeah, we're like, no, man. Someone closed the blinds. Did they close? See an eye peeking in every now and then. I left my drink inside. He's making a big straw. Yeah.

He's putting a bunch of straws together. Were you ever busted? Or did you always pull it off? No, I pull it off. My parents, neighbor, Don, lovely man, was a fireman, came over one time. It was a huge rager in the cops game. And I was like, please don't tell my parents And I begged him, and this Christmas

We went over to his house And he's like, you want to know something? I never told your parents, my dad's right there He's like, tell us what? And I'm like, oh my god That's so nice, like fucking years of not ratting on you But also, you still live there I just moved back He could definitely get you in trouble

But also, he's like You know, I never told your parents In front of your parents? and I just moved back he could definitely get you in trouble yeah but also he's like you know I never told your parents in front of your parents yeah that's the best dude you said

you weren't gonna tell what the hell man I'm 30 and so we had a deal was there never even like like oh no one you know

cigarette left in the flower pot or one oh I fucking clean like it was bad it was I feel like there could always just be one. Oh, I fucking cleaned. Like, it was bad. I feel like there could always just be one thing. Well, I think my dad found a roach once, and I actually don't know what it was.

I'm like, I don't know. Someone threw it over the fence, and it landed. You rat out your fireman neighbor. It was Don, I swear. That pot-smoking fireman. Yeah, I think he's doing all sorts of drugs over there but like my dad

hated our other neighbor that was right next door so he they didn't talk because my dad would get in fights with him all the time it's hilarious

he one time no this is funny one time he's like drive away and my dad and he would always fight and my dad he like stopped the car

and he had his window up and he was like yelling all the way down to the window it was just open of a crack and my dad wedged his hand in the car, and he had his window up, and he was yelling at my dad through the window. It was just open with a crack. And my dad wedged his hand in the open crack,

shoved down his window, and then punched him in the face. It was like, so me and my mom and sister were watching, like, what the fuck is going out the window, as my dad's just slamming this guy in the face. Then he drove off, and that was it. They haven't talked in, like, 20 years, I think. And they're like, I can't even remember why we don't talk anymore. Because you punched me in the face. Because you broke my automatic window and punched me in the face.

I would have just driven. I don't know why he stopped. Yeah, don't wait for him to get the window open. I'd be like, I'm curious to see where this is going. I've seen him mad before, but not this mad. I'd be eyeing a window. Oh, God. I've never seen a person do that.

Was your dad like a fighter? No. No? Just an aggressive Bulgarian man. Right. Is that the only time you ever saw him like punch someone? No. No, this is real.

Okay, I'm kind of convinced my dad may have killed someone. In the old country? No, in Toronto. Toronto? In the Don Valley. Okay. Me and my sister were young. We'd go biking, and my dad would run beside us because he's a maniac.

He would just keep up with us biking for a long time. Now that I think back, that's a lot of running. I'm fascinated by this guy. This is so weird. So I remember my sister fell off her bike and I biked ahead I was probably like 10 years old and there's this weird guy

on the path and I was like what the fuck and I think he was touching himself I didn't really know what was going on I was really young

but I got really uncomfortable and I biked around him and then my dad comes a minute later and he sees me he sees this guy he's like what the fuck so he pulls over

he's like what happened and I'm like and I just started crying because I was like I don't want this to my dad this guy was rubbing his I felt weird so these two women

walked by and it was a dog my dad's like do you mind watching my kids I have to go to the bathroom and I remember being crying because I was like I don't want this to my dad this guy was like rubbing his I felt weird so these two women walked by and it was a dog my dad's like do you mind washing my kids I have to go to the bathroom and I remember being like what the fuck

my dad runs off five minutes later comes back pulls a twig out of his hair and he goes let's go and I'm like

I literally just remember this I mentioned to him I'm like what happened and my dad just like deadpan goes I forgot all about that day I don't want to talk about it.

I'm like, oh my God, there's a dead, there's a dead skeleton of a man in the woods. Well, if it's a live skeleton, watch out. Yeah. That's a good band, the dead skeletons. That is so crazy. It's nuts. I love the, uh, pulling the twigs. The one twigs.

I was like, it was nuts. And your neighbor was like, hey, I never told you about the time your dad killed a guy. I kept it secret all these years. He's got a lot of family secrets. Yeah, exactly. We can't ever do anything to Don. Yeah, it's crazy. So my dad's a murderer.

Yeah, I remember. I was just itchy. I wasn't pleasuring myself. It was just bad timing. You just walked into the wrong. I remember as a kid, my brothers played lacrosse. And parents would get crazy. They would get crazy during games.

They'd be swearing at refs and stuff. These are like teen refs. Yeah. And also like lacrosse has ever mattered. Yeah. So, and then I remember one day. My son's going to make it one day. He's going to make $20,000 a year as a professional lacrosse player.

And I saw like two dads like beat the shit out of each other in the parking lot in front of their kids. I was like, oh, you are scarring your kids so badly right now. And I was like, especially the loser. Loser dad. Oh, yeah. Dad, we're going for McDonald's. No, I don't want to. You're going to eat it or you're going to get what that guy got.

Black fucking pie. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I used. Black. Yeah. I remember. Yeah. I used to go, they've like professional, I think maybe Canadian football is still the same, but like the, the professional hockey games that we would go to,

they used to be rough. Yeah. Yeah. It was before everyone, all the players were millionaires and like tickets cost $300. It would just be like, I'd see there's like a beer garden and you would see people just like in fights. Yeah. It was the same at the baseball games that I would see because beer was fairly cheap.

Because you got it, you know, some gross keg. And here's a bunch of guys just sitting in the heat, drinking, and then just one guy accidentally trips over another guy. Fist fight, fist fight, fist fight, fist fight. Just everywhere. Yeah, I remember as a kid like... I want that back. They still have them at like...

I feel like the Canadian Football League games, they still probably do. Because it's like the stadium's right by the SkyTrain station. Yeah. So you can pre-drink at home. Okay. I think if you go watch a UFC pay-per-view at a sports bar and you hang around until the end, guaranteed to see some fights. It's like if you go out to a comedy night you and your friends you'll be cracking

jokes on the way home if you go to a ufc night you're gonna be cracking skulls yeah yeah yeah i used to uh competitively highland dance bragging and um my mom was the teacher i had to uh that doesn't follow dance your mom was a highland dancing teacher yes so then i had there we go um a bulgarian highland dancer makes no sense at all um but the dance moms were fucking nuts like they're way like they're terrifying the way they like they take their kids they pinch them so hard like a pinch on the arm like you're not gonna do that like like kids would be crying oh yeah it was crazy wow yeah it was really bizarre that is and like some moms would sit in the front row and just like make eye contact with their kid like the entire

dance so weird i was shit so my mom didn't really care she's like yeah just she's looking at anything else try i don't give a fuck yeah you look over she's just reading the program yeah just eating a fucking hot dog in the back corner. Not even looking at the wall for no reason. It's going to be like having a child now in a world where I can look at my phone at any second. It's going to be hard to keep my attention during recitals and stuff. Especially other people's kids. Oh, fuck those kids.

Before, what did you just do? Just close your eyes? Mm-hmm, maybe, yeah. Keep your head still? Grab a nap. Yeah. Sit in the back. Yeah, I haven't. Or there were the parents that had, like, a giant video camera.

Oh, yeah. Now you can at least pretend you're filming your kid. But now you can't do that anymore, right? You're just watching YouTube videos. That's something that doesn't happen anymore. What? Aren't you, like, aren't you not allowed to film stuff like that? Film kids?

Other people's kids? Yeah. Because before, I don't know, I remember people would film everyone that was dancing on stage. Right. And then everybody's like,

who's that guy? Yeah, wait, that guy doesn't even have a kid here. That guy doesn't even have a face. What is going on right now? I do find it strange

when people post a picture on Facebook that's like 80 kids. Like, one of these is mine. Yeah. Try to find which one. My son Waldo. We do dress him in the Waldo outfit.

It's much easier to find. But we take him then to a barber pole factory. Wasn't Waldo always in an environment with a lot of like candy canes oh yeah lots of stripes candy he was in the candy stripers of the intensive care unit sure um the referees what is a thing that you hope that your daughter never gets into like what's a recital that you can't imagine having to sit through oh boy because you know there's like dubstep but i think they'll be doing dubstep in the future they'll have one of those little pads with all the little buttons on it sequencing oh he's dubstepping at a at a fifth

grade oh my god he's learning fast um i don't know like Like, because, you know, I think I'd be, if I had a kid, I'd be like, I'd be down with plays or some kind of extreme sport. Yeah. Like a snowboarding or maybe like a, what do you call where they skate around? Roller derby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Demolition derby would be good. Monster truck. Yeah. yeah, yeah. Sure. Demolition Derby would be good. Monster truck.

Yeah. Some sort of movie. What did we do? We did hockey and soccer, and my sisters did, like, dance and gymnastics. I found the gymnastics really boring. Yeah, gymnastics would be a tough sit. And that's also, like, a place, like, where it's hard. It's easy to come off as a creep.

Oh, yeah, you're filming girls and like. Yeah. Some of those outfits were like, whoa. You want to talk about the small of the back. Those coaches during the Olympics, it's all small. Oh, yeah. That's all they're doing. Those poor women. How do you make peace with that as a parent where you're like, yeah, okay.

I'm going to let my kid hang out with this dude. He has to kiss her on the lips before every practice, otherwise it's a weird thing. I don't know why there's so much tongue, but it's fine. It's a circus culture. It's a circus culture. Yeah.

Anyway. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Oh, boy. Well, you are. Well, yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. There's a foghorn leghorn in here.

I say, I say. I'm a chicken. Is that what he said? Is that what he said every time? How did I not know that? I say, I say. I'm not a man. I'm a chicken.

I say, I say. Who are you trying to get crazy with, I say? Don't you know I'm Pollo? Pretty good. Thanks. So, speaking of the summer ending, this past weekend, Abby and I and the baby Margo, we went to a baseball game, single A. Okay.

Not like you big fancy Torontonians with your pennant races. I don't know what that is, but I'm nodding right now. Yeah, yeah. You're in a city that has baseball fever. Yeah. Yeah. You don't care? Oh, I do care.

It's great. Everyone's fucking jacked up. It's so fun. You don't. No, I'm a Jays fan. Joe Carter. Sure. Well, I could have done that.

Yeah. Ernie Witt. Joe Carter. Joe Carter, right? He's still playing, right? Yeah. Roberto Alomar. Manny Lee.

Another guy. Sean Olerud. Kelly Gruber. Gruber, that's the one. Dave Stieb. Tom Hinckley. Pat Borders. Devon White.

I don't know any of these other names Candy Maldonado So you went to a game Yeah, the Blue Jays Single A affiliate So three levels down from the pros Right The last game of the season

Oh, nice At beautiful Nat Bailey Stadium Here in Vancouver A tiny little old-timey baseball stadium. That's great. And we, like I bought tickets online, specifically knowing we were going with a baby. Right.

So I was like, I gotta get aisle seats. Yes. And we get there and they are aisle seats, but there's a fence right between the aisle and the seats, which you couldn't see from the stadium map. So in order to get to our seats, we have to go through the entire aisle. Oh, no. The moment we sit down, Margo shits her pants.

So we all get up. Yeah. And. You showed everybody, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. This is what I think of the away team um and uh so and it's also i don't know if you've ever gone but it's like the stadium was

built in the 50s and it's got no modern amenities it's like the bathrooms have a trough that every guy goes in. Ew, like a long thing? Yeah. Oh, my God. So we had to like. That's a fairly common. Is that normal? I don't.

Well, over in. The bathroom at like a public park will have it. Yeah. But when I was in Scotland this summer, every place you go to, it's trough. There's no urinals anywhere. It's trough central. Trough in it. I'd love to try a's trough. There's no urinals anywhere. It's trough central. Trough in it. I'd love to try a trough once.

Yeah. Deep squat over a trough. Yeah, put it on your bucket list. I'd love to try a bucket. So we had to ask around to like ushers like, is there like a modern bathroom here that has like a change station? And there was one in like a portable

thing. I think some guys are just smoking in there. Making a sandwich. Ew, odd to change to. Oh, we've never really used this for changing babies. Give it a shot.

And so we took care of that. And then we were just like, let's, it's like. Let's go home. It's like, we haven't eaten all the garbage we wanted to eat yet. And so we went and we sat, you can sit anywhere you want. You buy tickets and then it's just a free for all. Oh, is that right?

Well, like you find a section where it's, there's like nobody there and it was sold out, but there were plenty of empty seats. And then you would hear ushers just telling people, oh, just sit there. If someone comes, then move. Yeah, that's true. Unless you're in like really great seats, but are there great seats? There are great seats, but they're all great seats. But they're all $13. Right.

Oh, nice. You're not like screwing someone out of their $400 bucket seats. But they're all $13. So it's like, you're not like screwing someone out of their $400 bucket seats. Yeah. But there's now there's the one area you can't get into is the they've added seats in the outfield, like past where, like if you

hit a home run, you can catch it there. Oh, wow. They're just on the field? Just lawn chairs. No, no, no. It's a section behind the field, behind the outfield. So you can't see? You can, pardon? You can't, I'm just picturing you can't see, like in the parking lot.

No, no, it's above. The balls just fly out. It's above, there's seats. Okay, okay. It's called the Hey Y'all Porch. Is it actually? Yeah. Um.

Oh boy. Uh. Where everybody just goes and gets super drunk. Well, it's, it's sponsored by a brand of like a lemonade called Hey Y'all or like a, the hard ice tea. Sure. Hey Y'all. Okay.

But if you ever want to, you have to reserve it as a group. So you have to call in and be like, yeah, I want, oh, I think it's pronounced the Hey Y'all Porch. Yeah. We're, uh, there for a group. So you have to call in and be like, yeah, I want, I think it's pronounced the hay y'all porch. Yeah, we're there for a wake. Yeah, we're having our wake at the hay y'all porch. But the one thing we didn't realize was because we love to go once a year to the baseball games and get, just eat garbage. Just like have a foot long hot dog, snow cones, mini donuts, pretzels. What we didn't realize was this was the last game of the season

and they were just getting rid of old food. Oh, yeah. So here, have these weird things, have this weird popcorn that nobody bought. Basically. Yeah. Like have a uh a garbage bag hot dog oh yeah was it like it was something that had been on that roller for the whole summer kept falling yeah here's a have our mvp hot dog

if you ever get a hot dog at a stadium it's never it's all it comes out of a drawer so it's like it's never that fresh to begin with. There's like string and all this, like a junk drawer. Yeah. Little batteries stuck to it, you know. Watch batteries. You can use a watch. This one has a penny stuck to it.

It's yours. So yeah, saw some home runs. Yeah. Did we win? I think, well, we left after six innings. We were winning 8-0. And then, like, did that mean that we won? Did we do well this season?

No, we came in last. Last of the whole league? Yeah, of the Mohicans. Woo! That's not good. We're in the Mohican League. Were we good, like, last year or something? Yeah, but who cares?

No one can name any of the players. Yeah, so Sparky. Joe Carter. Joe Carter. Joe Carter. Joe Carter came back and now he's playing on that team. It's like, yeah, it's a really weird league. We were playing against Eugene, Oregon. It's all tiny little towns playing against Vancouver.

Who was the guy? Jose. Canseco? Yeah, the last game I went to In Calgary He was He was there Playing

Oh really For some reason yeah Like cause he's Probably not Like not on the team He's like I feel like Playing today Sure

Yeah Yeah sure Do we have a uniform for him I guess I'm just gonna go out there With my board shorts Yeah Just paint my number on my back.

So yeah, I went to a baseball game. Baby loved it. Did baby love it? Yeah. Yeah? I mean, not the baseball, but like, she likes going out. She likes seeing people. Did she see, did she have any of the hot dogs?

Baby's first ballpark prank? No, she had some pretzel. She had some pretzel and some mini donut. I hear that when you don't have knees, it's easier to enjoy a baseball game. Yeah, it's true. She had some pretzel and some mini donut. I hear that when you don't have knees, it's easier to enjoy a baseball game. Yeah, that's true. It's also easier to slide into home. No knees, your legs can go just everywhere.

But she has knees. She just doesn't have the hard bone, the calf. We're going to find out. Get away from my baby. Let me feel her knees. Let me feel her knees. You know a knee is a bunch of parts, right? Nah, I don't know anything. I don't know who Foghorn Leghorn is.

See his knees? He worked at a chicken restaurant, so. Oh, yeah. How did you even get past the interview? I fooled them. Yeah. That was a complete disphrase. I say, I say.

I'm Frog on leghorn. Fries. Yes, yes. I don't know. Do chickens have knees? I sometimes see them selling chicken feet. Yeah. I guess they have thighs and they have a thing attached.

But their legs bend, do they bend backwards? They got like crazy, like bird legs sometimes bend backwards, right? Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. That's gross. A lot of bird leg watching. Mm-hmm. Backwards? They got like crazy, like bird legs sometimes bent backwards, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Gross. A lot of bird leg watching. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I'm kind of a leg man. Those weird fucking stems. Chicken's legs are really weird. Oh, not as weird. It is really weird. Pigeons are the worst. They've all been in an accident.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, at least one mangled toe. Oh, yeah. There's never a pigeon with two regular feet. Also, crows are disgusting. Oh, yeah. We don't got a lot of crows. We have crows in Toronto, but out here, they're just like walking about.

Yeah, they rule out here, the crows. A lot of them are like, have you looked very closely at a crow? Yeah. They send a lot of hair. Some would say they don't have any hair. Just feathers. A lot of like

balding crows. Yeah. A lot of like male crow pattern baldness is happening to these crows. Little patches. Hey, go out

and look at a crow's head. Crows and pigeons are pretty rough and tumble birds. Didn't you use to waitress at the crow's head? Yeah, that was are pretty rough and tumbler. Didn't you used to waitress at the crow's head? Yeah, that was the third place. Yeah, we served crow wings.

Yeah, crow knees. And I'd be like, they're famous. Remember all Alfred Hedgehog movies? Yeah. All those crows. That's who you're eating right now. The Crow King. Whatever his name is.

Yeah, I don't want to say his last name. Please, don't. I don't want to say his last name. Please, don't. I don't want to believe his last name. Until you see him. Graham, what's going on with you, mon frere? Well, I cannot abide by the way that people behave in movie theaters, so I don't very rarely go see a movie in the theater. The last time I saw a movie in the theater was strictly because of air conditioning.

It was strictly ballroom in 1993. It was, I saw the Entourage movie. Oh, right. Because I wanted to just cool off for an hour. And you didn't want to work up a sweat laughing or enjoying yourself. Or enjoying, or yeah, using my brain in any which way. But I went and saw, I finally, I think I'm the last guy to have seen

the Mad Max, Fury Road, in 3D, with the IMAX treatment. And, boy, oh boy, what a fun film. Isn't it?

Yeah, but I would have hated going to it with a lot of people in the theater. There's four people in the theater. That's perfect.

It's a perfect amount of people to go see a movie. It came out in May. Yeah. I think it's already out on DVD and it's still in the theater. That's perfect. It's a perfect amount of people to go see a movie. It came out in May. Yeah. I think it's already out on DVD and it's still in the theater. I like going in right just at the very tail end, right, where everybody's lost interest. Somebody's seeing it for their eighth time.

So they're not going to talk. They love it too much. And there was one couple I think were kind of- Making out in the corner. Yeah, making out in the corner. It was great. Really enjoyed it. Do you think that is going to be the most popular Halloween costume?

A Mad Max character? Yeah, probably. That one guy's got a pretty great costume, the bad guy. Yeah. With all the crazy teeth masks. Did you see it? No. It's fun.

It's really, really, really like super fun movie. It has a strong feminist message. I feel bad that Tom Hardy seems to be put in roles where they're like, put something on his face for most of the movie. Just like have. Like Bane and this guy. I feel like there's one that I'm missing. I think there's at least three.

Wasn't he in all those Halloween movies? The Mask? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Didn't he play The Mask? Yeah, he played The Mask. He was in The Mask, right? Oh, stop me.

Phantom of the Opera, that was him? I think I pinpointed the era when I stopped doing stand-up because I missed out on everybody's Bane impressions. Oh, there's so many. They're still going. Yeah. No, right. Oh, there's so many. They're still going. Yeah. No, right? Oh, there's a lot in Toronto.

Is it really? Like, just like, and now for a showcase of impressions. No, just like a random joke. Also, they're doing Bane. I'm like, what? It makes sense. So, I was walking down the street. I don't know how to do Bane.

Oh, it was walking down the street. Yeah.'t know how to Bane. Oh, was walking down the street. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's Bane, right? Yeah. And I saw- It was the original Bane from the 70s with Michael Caine. Caine is Bane. So I saw that.

And then also, when I was gone during the summer, half of the roommates I live with moved out okay so there's a whole because they missed you yeah you were the glue they went on uh they went on strike um and uh so now there's a new three new people in the house that i don't know and i've been back for two weeks uh have not met any of them. Have you seen them? No. Oh, okay. So you're not just like.

It's not just steely silence from them. No. Yeah. Like I see them in the kitchen. They're like. They're just trying to freeze me out. As soon as he moves out, this place will be really cool. Let's make him think he's crazy.

But it is weird because all the people who moved in, they're all women. I'll go on. So it's a lot of walking around in towels. Well, it's a lot of like, now I got to wear a shirt every time I leave my room. Just draw a shirt on. Why? Because I don't know these people. I don't want to first meet them shirtless.

Sup? You want to do shots later? Can I touch your lower back? You can touch mine. Yeah, check it out. There it is. So I do, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I'm in a real creepy situation. You know, I'm not doing anything creepy, but I feel like it's weird, right?

Well, yeah, I feel like you should have a group meeting. Put, like, a poster on the fridge. Like, hey, we're all going to hang out tonight at 4 p.m. Yeah. Meeting. Shake some hands. I don't even know what. Take some shirts off.

Because usually a roommate meeting is like There's trouble Yeah yeah yeah You haven't been cleaning your pots and pans Yeah And like I don't know what our Central area is Like I wouldn't know to put a

Poster on the fridge I don't know if that's the hot area in the house I don't know Does your house not have a town square? Yeah. Well, because there's a fridge upstairs and a fridge downstairs, so I feel like half of the people would get the fridge message.

And there's two different doors that people are entering in, so I couldn't put something on the door. I have to make two copies. Oh, yeah. Two copies. That's a lot. But today, there's somebody just threw garbage and they didn't close the lid, and I'm like, that's going That's a lot. But today, there's somebody just threw garbage, and they didn't close the lid. And I'm like, that's going to be a crow festival. It was outdoor, right?

Outdoor. Balding crows. But I don't know how to. I don't know these people, so I can't be like. Facebook group message used to be the way. But I'm not Facebook friends with these. Or maybe I am. That's even weirder.

Yeah, that is weird. You're not Facebook friends with them, but you're living with them. You've got to sort that out. And there's literally, I'm sharing a wall with one of them, so I don't know who that is. What's she up to in there? I don't know, but I definitely heard a dude's voice. Oh.

So, yeah. And also, there's some dude paraphernalia in the bathroom that it's not mine. Tap out shirts. You've got to go on Tinder, and if it's less than a kilometer away, then the bathroom that it's not mine? Tap out shirts? You gotta go on Tinder and if it's less than a kilometer away, then you know that it's your roommate. Yeah, if it's four feet away.

Four feet away. Ah, great. And then you don't match. Have you... Oh, you do and she doesn't say anything? Yeah. What's the nearest you've ever seen someone on Tinder? I've seen less than a kilometer away.

Is that the limit? I think so. Because it's not going to be like 13 feet away. Look out your window. Yeah. It's not happening. 12 o'clock. Yeah.

I think like within like a neighborhood. Okay. Like where I'm like, yeah, I think I can walk this distance. Because I definitely missed out on Bane impressions and the trend of everyone having five minutes on Tinder. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a lot of Tinder bets going on. Yeah, that's true.

I wonder what Bane would be like on Tinder. I bet that would sound a little something. Hello, Tinder. Tinder, I reckon. Hello, hello. Hello, Tindra. Hello, hello. Hello, that love. Oh, that would be pretty good to start a Michael Caine account on Tinder. Just great pictures of Michael Caine.

And then every chat starts with, hello. Hello. Hello, lovely. Well, that's my project tonight. I'm Michael Caine. Yeah, so that's weird. So I've got these roommates and like, I don't know, maybe they'll move out. I'll never have to meet them.

That's even creepier. I know, right? When do you see yourself moving out? I don't know. see yourself moving out uh i don't know i i'm i'm hoping uh a relative that i've never met passes away leaves me a lot of money and i nine hundred dollars a month yeah and i hope that there's some crazy twist like i gotta spend a fortune but i can't tell anybody why, or I have to start my own boy band. Um, yeah,

I don't know. Uh, but now like, yeah, now it's, I don't know. I don't know what to do, man. I can't not,

I'm not going to go knocking on doors. Hey, do you guys need a roommate? Your shirt on. I don't think that's what he means. Yeah. I think to introduce himself. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, I like my, like, utter out-sist. Family. Just walking. How do you guys feel about a roommate? I got a crock pot. A crock pot. Here's what I bring to the bed. I make a pretty good stew.

Anyway, so that's, you know, that's what's going on. Cool. Yeah. Saw a movie and then haven't met my roommates and it's been a real mixed bag. Yeah, because nobody's racing over to introduce themselves to me either, so you know what I mean?

You're all a piece of shit. I'm trying to... In their defense, I would not race over I think I'm, in their defense, I would not race over to meet you. Not because of you, but just because, I keep to myself. Yeah,

exactly. But, see, I've never been in this situation before where I'm living with people I don't know. So I'm trying to learn as much just from like, clues.

Oh, okay. You know? Like looking at bathroom stuff, like food stuff, condiments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Oh, okay. You know? Like looking at bathroom stuff, like food stuff, condiments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like what-

Footprints. DNA. DNA. Skin cells, loose hairs in the bathroom. You collect them all, they come in your room. I think this is you

and you made like a makeshift face out of all the stuff you found. Loose hairs you found. Makeshift face? I don't stuff you found. Loose hairs you found. Makeshift face? I don't know. Yeah, your eyeball fell out. This is yours, right? These are contacts?

Yeah, so neither of the people on my floor have contacts. I know that. No contact solution, nothing like that. One of them is dating a dude because of the dude paraphernalia. And dude noises. Dude noises, but mostly it was the dude razors because there's like two lady razors in the shower and then this dude razor that's just hanging out.

One of them might be really hairy. I use male razors. Like a blue, like, bick? Yeah, sure. Really? Okay, well, so maybe, yeah, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm trying. You're so grossed out.

No, no, no, I'm grossed out that people still use, like, a disposable. That's what I'm talking about. I still, all my travel, I get lazy. But just, like, a man using a male bick. That's gross. That would scar, wouldn't it bleed? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. All my travel, I get lazy. But just like a man using a male thick. That's gross. Yeah. That would scar, wouldn't it? Bleed?

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know if it would scar, but. No, that's how Seal got like that. Oh, no. Come on. It was lupus. Was it? I think it was lupus.

Oh, I like my story better. I think he was doing a really good foghorn leghorn impression. Got carried away and slipped. Yeah. That's how Seal got the scar. So one of them has, what are you, a profiler? Yeah, I'm trying to profile. Those Tom's shoes where you buy a pair, they give a pair to somebody else.

Those Tom's shoes where you buy a pair, they give a pair to somebody else. And one of them just bought an Ikea bed because the cardboard was outside and it had the thing written on the side. These are very regular things. These are all regular things. I haven't picked up anything. Yeah, I can't tell whose food is whose in the fridge. Yeah, there's nothing. I haven't been able food is whose in the fridge. Yeah, there's nothing. I haven't been able to, but I've been trying.

I've been analyzing. And somebody went through the stack of Vanity Fairs that are in the bathroom and pulled out the Caitlyn Jenner issue. Oh, I am Caitlyn. Yeah, yeah. So what's that about? All right. Yeah. Maybe it's not a dude.

Maybe it's somebody who's transitioning. There we go. See? I'm the profiler. Shrug. Anyway, so it's been a wild adventure. Yeah. Glad to be back.

Sounds kooky. Have you ever lived with anybody you didn't meet? Seems weird. No, it is weird. No. Do you know didn't meet? Seems weird. No, it is weird. No. Do you know your current roommates? Not well. Mr. and Mrs.

All of they sleep in different rooms. It's weird. That's the great part about being married a long time. Yeah. You just get to just sleep, you know, separate rooms, downstairs, upstairs. Doesn't matter. You're going to see each other at breakfast. Or you won't.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Keep it chill. Cool. Yeah. Abby and I sleep in the same room. Don't see each other at breakfast, though.

Why? Because she's still in bed by the time I leave. You should make time, though. Well, I'm up. Breakfast is a good time. Do you guys want to move on to overheards? Sure. Hi, I'm Allegra Ringo, a dog owner.

And I am Renee Colbert, a dog wanter. And together, we're the hosts of Can I Pet Your Dog? A podcast for unapologetic dog lovers. So let's talk about this. What are you getting yourself into? What is this podcast about? Well, we have dog news, dog experts, and interviews with special guests about their

dogs. We also talk about dogs that we met this week. Join us every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org for new episodes of Can I Pet Your Dog? Hi, I'm Lisa Hanawalt. And I'm Emily Heller, and if you're not listening to our podcast, Baby Geniuses, you're missing out on stuff like... Kamil Nanjiani solving the Zodiac murders.

Who's like, would you ever go to a friend and you're like, hey, could you lick all these envelopes for me? You'd be like, you're a serial killer. Definitely, I'm leaving right now. Guy Branum talking about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And it was just a great moment of like, oh no, I'm here, boys. Like, I'm on this side of the bench. Megan Amram talking about intimidating baristas. Just feel like they're always in character.

Like, they're always in character as like, cool hipster girl. And I just want to break through that barrier. Plus, every week we explore a new Wikipedia page and talk to a crazy expert in the field of nonsense. Well, any hack can make you not have a boner. I mean, it's about how you do it. Right. And we're the only podcast with regular updates about Martha Stewart's pony or your money back. We're not going to give them their money back, are we?

No. Let's keep it. Yeah. Listen to our show every other Monday on Maximum Fun. Yay. No. Let's keep it. Yeah.

Listen to our show every other Monday on Maximum Fun. Yay. Yay. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world, and then we report them back to you, the listener. And we always like to start-

Is the listener of like a profiler show? Yeah. That's me. I'm the listener. The opening sequence is me holding a cup up to the wall. Stethoscope. You've got like audio software. Analyzing, analyzing.

Yeah, enhance, enhance. You're listening to your roommates trying to figure them out. Yeah, exactly. There's a boy in there. I see their music. I think they like popular music. Yeah, they like Ace of A's. Oh, yeah.

Top 40. I've also been trying to send them messages by playing. Like, this is the type of show I like. I like listening without headphones so they can be like. Oh, right, right, right. Yes, they know. Also, they can strike up a conversation with you about. Yeah. Oh, I heard you listening to Bo So they can strike up a conversation with you about. Yeah.

Oh, I heard you listening to BoJack Horseman. Or you just always. You were just listening to it? You always just say what you're doing. I'm going to watch Netflix. Now you're talking to yourself, screaming. Reading a book, catching up on my reading. Page two, here we go.

Then they come in and I'm just asleep. You're just in a recording of yourself doing things. You're just there recording yourself doing things. You're like Paris Bueller. Trying to make myself sound better. Making a gourmet meal upstairs. But how are you? How's your voice? I've got a megaphone.

Look, I'm the listener, not the talker. No, we always like to start with the guest. Okay. So, do you have an overheard? Yes, I was at a place called Warehouse. Have you been there yet? It's on Granville. Everything's five bucks.

What is it? A restaurant? Yeah. We have one in Toronto, but it's so hipster. It's all hipsters here. I sat at the bar for 10 minutes. I'm like, how much more eye contact can I make with this guy? I'm like, not blinking. Give me a fucking menu. He's on all hipsters here. Right. Like I sat at the bar for like 10 minutes. I'm like, how much more eye contact can I make with this guy?

I'm like, not blinking, like give me a fucking menu. He's on a unicycle. Yeah. He's like, I'm sorry, I'm trying to.

Yeah. Just not, just looking anywhere but me. Sorry, my suspender was caught on me. Just juggling. And, there's a guy,

I guess he was like. You think circus people are hipsters? Yeah, that's where I'll start it. It's a circus restaurant Yeah Just doing a lot of Flare with the bottles

Um So the one guy Of the bar back Was like Filling up the celery salt I was really I had a lot of time To watch

Yeah Because nobody Was serving me Um And then There was a bunch Of hipsters They were yelling

They were being Loud for no reason And one guy goes Uh Yo man Remember last week When we got like blackout drunk in the mountains? Cause I don't. I'm like,

I fucking hate this guy so much. And I, I visibly was just like, are you fucking serious right now? Cause I don't. Yes, you do. You just brought it up.

What is wrong with you? Like, do you want to show off to no one? It made me so mad. Quirky is like a quirky t-shirt thing. Yeah, because I don't. I write for mugs. Yeah, I'm trying out a couple different things.

Hey guys, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. Too bad the It Store is not around anymore. Really is making a good living off that. Oh, wow. It Store is not around anymore. Really, he's making a good living off that. Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Yeah. The It Store, man. Memories.

Right, right, yeah. What was that again? It was kind of post-San Francisco. It was like, what's that gift store that's famous in Spain? It's like Spencer. And little tit mugs. Mm-hmm, yeah. And a lot of just silly cards.

Yeah. Weird things, like weird license plate things, like those sticker things. It's weird shit. tit mugs and a lot of like just silly cards weird things like weird license plate things like those sticker things like just weird shit that just by like stuff like I don't know

I know a 12 year old I think they'll enjoy all these things yeah like I heart farts is a mug that I actually have I'm pretty sure it was from the

yeah that's coming with me to Los Angeles yeah that's the only thing I'm bringing. That and a bunch of dreams. Yeah. A bindle with a mug in it.

Do you, I remember those like, yeah, Spencer Gifts in San Francisco. Yeah. Having like, everything was a little bit naughty and then there was like an adult section, but it wasn't like a video store that had like a beaded curtain. No, it was just at the back. It was just at the back and like. Just silly like dick straws. Yeah.

And like a butt, like those fake butts. But it was like. I do like those butts. It was the honor system. It wasn't, there was no one policing it. No. Oh yeah. And it was the, I remember when I was like, when I was a tween.

Mm-hmm. That was, that was Shoplift Central. Oh really? I was in San Francisco and I'll steal some lighters. Oh, yeah. Nudie lighters. Nudie lighters, absolutely. Like the nudie pens.

I miss those. Were they like, oh, where you'd turn it? Trample it down. Yeah. And then nudie lighters you would have to like. It was such a blur. It'd be like a lot of pubic hair and like weird nipples that weren't really nipples. The only model we could get was Wolfman.

The only model we could get was Wolfman But she was using a men's Bic So there's a lot of scabs on her And so many nipples Dave, do you have an overheard? The other day I was walking home from work I was standing at a corner And the route I take is also a bike route And so there were a bunch of cyclists

waiting at a red light where i was waiting and then this other cyclist just kind of wasn't paying attention not wearing a helmet and just sort of like went a little bit into traffic right uh and then this other cyclist came up behind him and assumed that this guy was like that everything was safe so he went even further into traffic also not wearing a helmet he was wearing a hat and uh and then cars just had to start swerving around this guy who wasn't paying attention his bike is just in the middle of a lane and people are honking at him and he he just said, fuck you, I'm wearing a hat. Close enough.

Yeah. The rules don't apply to me. Yeah. It's as long as you're covering your hair, then you're fine. Right. Yeah. Oh, man. My overheard.

Yes. You there? Yeah. It comes courtesy of doing the shows at the Comedy Mix this weekend. Who's on the show with you? Young Miss Steph Toland. Hi. And.

Hi. How are you? Say hi. Sorry. A weird. Podcast favorite, Chris Gordon. Mm-hmm. And so I did, I was doing a bit about the song Summertime by Mongo Jerry.

Oh, in the summertime. Yeah, in the summertime. And I was just saying like, you know, there's always these songs that like remind you of the summer. They're like these summertime jams. And some guy decided this was his chance to like shout something out to be like part of the not conversation i was having and he just yells out grease like well oh man like that's not the song yeah that's the word yeah that's true it was the word but that's not the whole musical grace yeah makes me feel good about the summer go

uh anyway so that was it i just enjoyed that that was like this guy's like just waiting for this one word to get out yeah grease what's your all right i don't know is there like because you're right there are songs that like you that remind you of the summer but are there movies that like you would because every year at Christmas, people watch the same six movies over and over. Oh, you know, it's a real, like, like I always remember seeing it always makes me feel like summer is like right there is at Dazed and Confused. Yes. Yes. Last day of school.

Yeah. Right. Hair tucking behind the ears. Yeah. Yeah. That like, whenever I see it, I feel like, yeah one. Last day of school. Yeah. Right? Hair tucking behind the ears. Yeah. Yeah. That like, whenever I see it, I feel like, yeah, like summer, summer break is on its way. I mean, it doesn't exist anymore, but. Right.

There's no breaks. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. There's probably other, Stand By Me. It's kind of a good, that's a good summertime. Sure. Doesn't that take place in the summer? Yeah.

Anything with a quarry. I Know What You Did Last Summer. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then the sequel. That always reminds me of that, because that's when I threw that take place in the summer? Yeah, anything with a quarry. I know what you did last summer. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That always reminds me of that because that's when I threw that one man in the water. Yeah, when your dad

murdered that guy in the park. My dad murdered the guy that threw him in the Don Valley river. There is a river. I know what your dad did last summer. I don't. I'm going to get home and my mom's going to be like,

your dad's in jail. I don't i'm gonna get home my mom's gonna be like uh your dad's in jail i don't know why i you know yeah yeah i said too much on the podcast we just we yeah someone out there's a listener um they connected the pieces yeah to that skeleton um now i also have here in my hand overheards that have been sent in by listeners. Oh, I love these. These are the best. If you are interested in doing the same, you can send it into SBY at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Sam B in Toronto.

Do you know? Sam B. Yeah. Sam, beginning of his last name starts with B. I will not say his last name. Would she know him? I might. I don't know. Okay. But you're from will not say his last name. Would she know him? I might. I don't know.

Okay. But you're from Toronto. Hey, you don't know him. Maybe I know him. I overheard this at a local bar. This guy was talking at the bartender. I'm so mad at Avril Lavigne. She Yoko Ono'd some 41.

Jeez. That's probably true. They were no good after that that they were no yeah yeah and they were really good before they were the best god what is this What is the Sum 41 song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is. They were fun. They were a fun summertime.

Oh, yeah. Summertime crew. You know how they got their name? They formed on the 41st day of summer. How cool. Sum41facts.com Sum41 always reminds me of the summer. Yeah.

Summer 41. The summer of 41. The summer of 41. That was a really big year for me. It was wild. I got my first real rations. This next one comes from Benjamin Benjamin S in Richmond, Virginia. Oh, I definitely know him.

He gets around. Uh, I recently shared an elevator with a mother and her eight year old son. His hair was looking a little shaggy and his mother commented on it. The kid was pretty proud of his hair, thinking it made him look like a rugged type until his mother pointed out that he looked more like one of the Beach Boys. That brought the following. Kid, oh no, not one of those monsters. Mother, the Beach Boys aren't monsters. They're Americans.

And then the boy says, no, they aren't. They're Californians. True. Yeah, this kid. Kion technicality. Yeah, the Beach Boys are great Americans. Yeah. American treasure.

I'd fuck them. Huh? You'd fuck all of the Beach Boys? Yeah, right now. Wow. The living ones? No, no. Just the dead one.

Just the dead one. So you would have, you would have relations with Brian Wilson? What did he do again? What was that thing? He was lying about that one time. Yeah,

he went, he had a breakdown. Oh. Yeah, I'd lie with him in that bed. I need a bed. Yeah,

this is like. It's again, it's just the beds. I feel like the Beach Boys have nice beds. Mm-hmm. Yeah, water beds, probably. I feel like the Beach Boys have nice beds. Yeah, water beds probably.

I think any 60s musician probably has a cool California king. Oh, yeah. What are those called? The posturpedics where you have your own individual side. Yeah, where you get your number. Your own number. But she means the one in the hospital bed. Yes, yes.

You come up and if you want to sleep sitting up, you can. Yeah. Yeah. It would be so cool to be one of the Beach Boys and get to sit on one of those chairs that lifts you up the stairs. Oh, man. I love America and rock and roll. And the last one comes from the internet's favorite aunt, Aunt Sheila. Hi, Sheila.

This is following a partial solar eclipse over Sweden. Two 10-year-olds in school hallway where I teach. Boy saying to girl, oh, my God, did you see the eclipse? It was so cute. Yep. I think so. It's lost in translation. I like him.

Huh? That's cute. Yeah, it is cute. Cute son. Graham, in the last episode, I made you sit where Steph is sitting. Yeah. And Nicole sat where you're sitting. Yeah.

And you told me you had a nightmare about it. Yeah, I didn't like it because I felt like the guest didn't know where to look because I'm used to the ping pong of going back and forth, but the poor Nicole was like,

and so yeah, I had a nightmare last night about. What constitutes a nightmare? When you wake up like, yeah, I had a nightmare last night about. What constitutes a nightmare? When you wake up like, ah, ah. Oh, oh, oh, my God. Wow, I have those every night then. Jesus. Yeah.

Yeah, like, you know, where you just. That's just because there's a couch spring poking you. Yeah, yeah, that's what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a stranger beside me that I don't know and I just slept with. So it's alarming to wake up. And you're like, are you Al Jardine? What's your name again? You're one of the Beach Boys, right?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm from the Dave Clark Five. I'm Jan and Dean. In addition to overhands that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. I've never had a nightmare. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people have.

What about your nightmare where your travel agent was retiring? That's hilarious. It was just kind of stressful. Like I have dreams where I wake up relieved, but that's never like, I'm never terrorized in my sleep.

Really? I have horrible nightmares. Abby has, she describes them as thrilling dreams. They're not nightmares, but they're not relaxing. Like a stress dream? Yeah, like she's being chased, but it's okay. She's the protagonist in her movie. Yeah, like during the Edinburgh Fringe,

because I was far enough away from where we were staying that after my show, like I had to go hand out flyers and stuff. I just slept on a bench. Like a hobo? Yeah. I would sleep on a bench after the show. With a flyer in your hand hoping somebody would take it. But I really would wake up

like terrified that I was falling off of the bench like like I would just be like and legs like flailing

yeah that's fun yeah unless it looks really nice I don't know does that count as a nightmare

like I feel like people want to call bullshit on me not having count as a nightmare? Like I feel like people Want to call bullshit on me Not having ever had a nightmare Yeah I think if you wake up And you feel distressed Then you know what happened You probably have

You just don't remember But like I feel like a nightmare Should really be memorable I have a life Every Like at least once a week Somebody in my family dies In one of my dreams

And it's horrible It's not like a normal thing It's like It's bad And I have to call them and I'm freak out. I have a lot of dreams where my, uh, teeth are falling out.

That's what is that? That's a stress thing. Yeah. There's a specific stress thing about that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and I've had weird,

like different dreams where I've had like, uh, wooden teeth or I've had, uh, too many teeth. Well, yeah. Shark teeth.

Uh, yeah. I've just had like weird things like where parts of my face are falling off and stuff. Look it up. There's a weird dream thing like that. Is it? Yeah. That means something.

Your brain's trying to tell you something. I'm jealous. My dreams are boring. Travel agent retiring was an actual dream I had. That's insane. That's nuts. Okay, here are the phone calls hey podcast this is ben from florida i just overheard a guy on the phone uh conversation went like this oh my god yes thank you so much that is such a wet dream oh my. All right, I'll see you later, Mom.

Love you, too. Bye. He meant to say, oh, that's such a relief, but he's like, wet dream. I mean, oh, no. Nightmare. Oh, yeah. I mean, after all our dream talk, I feel like we should go around. Oh, what, wet dreams?

Yeah. Yeah, it must have. But only, I think, as a teenager dreams? Yeah. Hmm. Yeah, it must have. But only, I think, as a teenager. I don't think. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah, it's creepy if you're still having them, I think. Although, I will say this.

Oh, my God. I will say this. Although, listener, if you are, if listeners are still having them, you're not creepy. We love you. You can talk to us. But this is a real thing, and it's a little blue, but I was telling another comic this. Like but this is a real thing and it's a little blue but i was telling another comic this like this is for real about a month ago i had a sex dream where i was just masturbating so i woke up and i was like what like what was, what was that, brain? Wait, was it out or were you in your pants doing it?

Like, you taking it out and you're like just. Yeah, but it was just like very conventional. He was in the Don Valley. Yeah, no, I probably, I think, but even as a teenager, I was like, I was on such a regular schedule that I didn't need to dream it. So wait, with a wet dream, is it like full stuff comes out? I was on such a regular schedule that I didn't need to dream it. So wait, with a wet dream, is it like full stuff comes out or just like a bit? There's no just a bit. It's like a full load, I'm trying to say.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. But there's no equivalent for women, I guess. I've definitely woke up very horny before. Yeah. No, when a wet dream is not. I just woke up very horny before. Yeah. No. When a wet dream is not in my asshole. A wet dream is

the opposite. You know, you wake up satisfied. Yeah, you're done already. No, I mean, they must. They must be.

Yeah. I don't know. I never thought about it before that maybe women don't have that. Maybe they do. Maybe they have dry dreams. But I know my brain was like,

even in your dreams, buddy. Like, I could have at least been in like an exotic location. I'm like, ooh, Paris. Just you in your bed. Yeah. All right, here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham. My name's Linda, and I'm calling with an overheard from a recent vacation to the Oregon coast.

My husband and I heard a super disheveled-looking guy wearing tattered and pretty eccentric clothing say in a super exasperated voice, so there I was, sitting at the beach entrance, unofficially welcoming a wedding party back into town with my saxophone. Yes! unofficially welcoming a wedding party back into town with my saxophone. Yes. Oh, man, I feel like there's not enough just sax. This one's for you, wedding party. But if you go to a park, there's always somebody on either drums or guitar, but there's nobody just wailing on a sax. No, they should do that.

Yeah, right? Let's all take up the sax. Oh, man. I wanted to in junior high, but you had to start with clarinet, and then by the time you switched to sax. Oh, we've all heard this story, Gary. Oh, the clarinet bit again. God, it's been bombing all weekend at the club.

Why do I keep doing it? I don't know. The thing I see now, when you were saying at a park, you always see people with drums or a guitar. The thing I see now,

it's not a musical instrument, but it's a slack line where they set up like a line to do man on wire. To do a bunch of cocaine off of it. A very long wire. Yeah, to do like,

what is it called? It's not trapeze. Tight rope to do like a, what is it called? It's not trapeze. Tightrope. Tightrope. Yeah. Between two trees. Yeah. Like a foot off the ground.

So that, is that the whole theory is like, if you can do it a foot off the ground, you could do it 40 feet in the air? Is that how it works? I guess so. Like, where are they going to do this? Yeah, I don't know. Like, is it good for your core? Is it, are they getting in shape doing it?

I've actually never seen somebody that like not fit do it. Yeah. Mostly fit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's probably.

If anything, they're emaciated. Yeah. I, uh, you've seen that documentary, the man on wire. Yeah. Did you see that? It's fantastic. Does he die? No.

No. No. It's about the guy who walked the tightrope between the twin towers. In like 1979. Yeah, like illegally. That's terrifying. It's like an amazing documentary. I remember not liking him. Well, yeah, he wasn't particularly likable.

He's like obnoxious and he's like everything's an apparatus to him. But when he was training... He's like a baby or like an eight-year-old who just needs to climb on everything. But you're a grown man now. But he never... Like there was nothing... His like highest thing that he had done was still only like whatever 10 feet in the air or something like it wasn't oh and then so he went from that to like the highest one of the highest buildings

in the world so like is it all just like as long as you can do it this way and you've got like you don't you you wouldn't do that why wouldn't you do that i did it over the niger falls i think oh you did okay no somebody not me yeah i did me. Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Didn't bring that up before. Well, there's the guy who does it like, they always show him on Discovery Channel doing it over the Grand Canyon. Oh, yeah.

He might be in the Walinda family. Oh, yeah. The flying Walindas. The flying Walindas. And he's got a bar and he's thanking Jesus the whole time. Like he's mic'd up, and it's, thank you, Jesus. Oh, creator. Oh, great lord.

Well, yeah, you'd want to. Yeah, yeah. I'd be doing all of the deities. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Vishnu. I'd be doing my bits. Just doing my set. Like it's just promo For your weekend

At the Niagara Falls Club Yeah And if anybody likes this They might like mine Yeah Here's your final overheard Of 2015 Hi Dave and Graham

This is Bob from Pennsylvania Hi Bob Calling in with an overseen I'm sitting in traffic And I can see the driver In the rearview mirror behind me, and she's drinking Campbell's soup out of the can, like it's a soda or a beer. And, oh, wait, now she's holding it up. It must be noodles, because she's tapping the bottom of it like it's a can of Pringles.

And I just thought that that was really amazing. I didn't know you could just do that as a car snack. So this is a person on the go, runs out the door, grabs a can of soup and the can opener, I assume. How do you heat it? No, I eat soup right out of the can all the time. No, you do not. No, you lie to me.

No, why? Well, first of all, the time. No, you do not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you lie to me. No, why? Well, first of all, the can of it, unless it's like chunky, if it's just like the can, you need two more canfuls of water. Oh, yeah. No, I'm talking about a chunky, some sort of chunky soup. And there's like the- I congeal it in the tub. You're going to shake it.

I stir it around. No, you need heat to melt it. No, no, no. Maybe, maybe if you- Big it. No, no, no. Maybe, maybe if you sit Big soup has you guys brainwashed. You can eat soup

straight out of the can. I would maybe sit on the can for like 15 minutes and melt it with my butt. straight out of the can hobo style. Yeah, I do that.

Beans. Well, there's no difference. Yes, because beans don't have that weird layer on top. Beans are just beans. They're ready to go. Beans are just in

some kind of brine. Yeah. But soup is just, it's all brine. No, it has a weird clear layer on top. It's like weird dots. Graham, stop doing that. This guy overheard. He sent that in as like, this is a ridiculous thing I'm witnessing.

Well, I don't do it driving a car. I do it in the privacy of my own i do it on the bus wonders why his roommates don't want to meet up they just see him eating cold soup well i'm never really in the common areas of the house you mean like the stove yeah i don't like going up there if i don't have to you know um is that is is that the full the full batch? A full load, as Steph would say? Wow. You said a full load. I'm kidding.

So that brings us... She didn't coin the term. That's not my thing. It's the parlance. Every time I end a set, I'm like, see you later, Steph. Full load tolo. Is that the sound it makes guys come on

now this is the end of this here podcast do you have anything you would like to plug big party at your rager at your parents house

parents are gone this weekend 35 going away party going away party I don't know if people are in Toronto just lost 42

yep yep lady stash lady stash yeah and I'm doing them yep Going away party. Going away party. I don't know. If people are in Toronto, Just Lost 42. Yep. Yep. Lady Stash. Lady Stash, yeah. And I'm doing them, yep, the XM Next Top Comic finals. So is this, public voting is over for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now you're in judges now.

Yeah, yeah. So if people are in Toronto, come to that show. When is that? October 1st, yeah. Where, where, where, where? Queen Elizabeth Theatre in the CNE, come to that show. When is that? October 1st. Where, where, where, where? Queen Elizabeth Theatre in the C&E, the X grounds. Yeah. If you get like the, also it's like Bill Burr's coming for fuck's sake.

It's awesome. The headliners are pretty sweet. Yeah. Is this a serious thing, part of? Yeah. Oh, I see. Okay. Well, break a leg.

Yeah. We're rooting for you. Thank you. Wait, who are you against? Because we might be rooting for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of people. Probably people we know. We're rooting for all y'all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody, get in there. We just want to. He's winking. He's winking. Yeah, we want to. Let's see the best comedian win. Yeah.

We just want a fair competition right there. Yeah, yeah. Or failing that, the comedian that brings the most people. Yeah. That's also a fair way to decide. I'm forcing my entire family to come to the show no you're dead you might murder something yeah i should judge in the face if i lose it comes out he's gonna twig signature twig i'm gonna wait for you to get in your car and roll up your window. He's a lovely man. Yeah, absolutely.

And you are a lovely guest. Thank you so much for being a guest on the show. Thanks for having me. And do we have the plug? Will will be in Calgary on October 15th. Yeah. I think is the, that's how you pronounce that? Yeah.

The Loose Moose Theater live. Stop podcasting yourself. I don't know how ticket sales are doing. We should probably announce these, the show at the beginning of an episode. Maybe next week. Yeah, we'llose Moose Theater. Live. Stop podcasting yourself. I don't know how ticket sales are doing. We should probably announce the show at the beginning of an episode. Yeah, that's true. Maybe next week. Yeah, we'll try it next week. And yeah, come see us there. We're very charming.

Yeah, yeah. We'll be dressed in our fine outerwear and innerwear. Sure. And if you like the show, head over maximumfun.org check out the blog recap of uh this year episode uh pictures and videos relating to the content of the podcast yeah what do we talk about oh uh that bjork song maybe yeah uh the baseball baseball murders. Wings. Duff's famous wings. We will not be posting a picture of

the Wing King. No, but maybe Froghorn Leghorn. Sure, Froghorn Leghorn. Is it Foghorn? I think it's Froghome. Foghome Leghome. And if you liked the show, tell your friends, and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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