Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 397 - Evany Rosen

Episode Date: October 26, 2015

Comedian Evany Rosen returns to talk about Blue Jays fever, the car share revolution, and Rotterdam.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 397 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who is just so excited to meet the great pumpkin this Halloween, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm like pretty excited but he has been standing me up. Yeah, but this is going to be your year. Oh man, I like pumpkin. Go on. Flavor or the gourd itself you know what i like the flavor

mostly yeah yeah i don't uh i don't need to carve up a gourd no display a gourd i'll carve up a gourd i ate a piece of pumpkin pie yesterday the like underrated pie whoo i know like the lady said you want some whipped cream on there i said no way dilutes the flavor i just want straight straight pumpkin pie and it's like the only pie like it doesn't get that bad it doesn't get that great you but like the stuff you make at home is just as good as some grocery store pie yeah yeah yeah but it's like had it. It was a nice like coffee shop pie. Oh, damn it. Woo! I'm living my best fall life.

Did you dip it in your coffee? I took it home. Stir it. I had it with a cup of milk. Oh, man. It was the great. Have they made a pumpkin pie cereal? Well, you know, it can only be, you know, that far away.

Like it's, pumpkin has slowly been gaining momentum. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not, I'm never, we're never going to let our guest talk. No, it's fine. I have nothing to say about Pumpkins. Wait a minute, she said Pumpkins. That's, that's the key word. That's our secret word. That's our in.

Our guest today, very funny comedian, both stand-up and your improv and sketch You do it all Yeah, I do them all a bit more poorly than people who choose one No, that's not even You also do prop comedy I do a ton of prop comedy You're a ventriloquist You do spoof songs

You do hypnotism I just tell slow stories about Canadian life Oh man, there is a market for you There sure is Do you do hypnotism? I just tell slow stories about Canadian life. Oh, man. There is a market for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There sure is. Yeah. Our guest, Miss Ebony Rosen.

Hello. Hello. Our guest, Morley Rosen. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Yeah. You could go a long way in this country

If you have folksy God, I wish I was more folksy God, my life would be easier if I was more folksy You're too cosmopolitan I'm too cosmo, you guys I'm Samantha, I'm Miranda I'm Carrie, I can't get folksy Yeah

What a nightmare Charlotte's the most folksy one. Who's the most folksy Sex and the City character in the whole universe? Oh, God. Aiden? Yeah, I was going to say Aiden. Aiden, it's got to be. Probably Aiden.

Yeah, the weird furniture maker? Yeah, he's the most folksy. Who's the most folksy in the Gem of the Holograms world? The villain. He-Man? The villains world The villain man man in that world. He's easy. Yeah. Yeah, he seems like a guy you could smoke a pipe with Folksy people do you've always said that about he man, and I don't think he's as folksy as you think is It's I think it's just the hairdo because it's kind of an Amish Hairdo, and I think Amish people are kind of folksy. You can't be a master in any way, whether it's of the universe or otherwise, and be folksy.

What about a master carpenter? Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, it really came around there. Anyways, that's been the podcast. That's been Pumpkin Talk. Yep. Good night.

So, how are things? What's new and exciting? Oh, things are well. Today, I don't know if it'll be relevant by the time this airs, but today was game five of the first series of the postseason of Toronto Blue Jays baseball, and I lost my mind at the score on Davy.

It was a very dramatic baseball game. That's a sports bar? It's a sports bar, and I think also a gay bar in a wonderful way. Yeah, it's a gay sports bar. That's the coolest thing in the world. Yeah. We don't have good sports bars in Toronto. You have good gay bars.

We have great gay bars, and we have some sports bars, but the Twains have refused to meet. The Twains. Oh, those Twains. So you're a baseball fan fan I'm a huge baseball fan starting like a month ago or because there are a lot of those

there are a lot of those but I'm getting mad at how much baseball fans like myself are getting mad at the bandwagon people because I'm like what do you want them to play in the postseason for like 20 000 people like yeah let people get on the bandwagon let's fill the stadium let's not just be proud of ourselves for being fans when they were shitty let's invite the people that are excited now i like them when they were yeah well it's not it's it's not like a hipster credibility thing. But it's getting that vibe.

But it's like I suffered through the bad times. Through the bad times. But it feels like there's two sides. It feels like there's the people who are like, get off my bandwagon. And then other people who are like, this is Canada's team. Oh, boy. And both sides of that are unbearable. They're both unbearable.

And as a longtime fan, I'm annoyed with both, but I'm appreciative of like, let's try to get Price to stay here. Let's be excited. Let's not not go to the game because of bandwagon issues and maybe convince this ace pitcher to leave because no one watches this game. Yeah, like we got into the finals and nobody showed up. No, we were trying to show you we love you. We as fans don't know

how to express our emotions. Well, that's true as well. Oh, yeah. As a hockey fan myself, I get so emotional, baby. Baby. And I don't know how to express it. It's the only time Dave Shumka

says baby all year. And I have a baby. And I don't know how to express it. It's the only time Dave Shumka says baby all year. Yeah, and I have a baby. And I don't know her name. He just calls her ma'am. Have you been going to games? I went to a lot of games this year. I haven't been to any games in the postseason, mostly because I've been here for a week.

But I went to maybe seven or eight games this year. We should say, to specify, that was the ALDS. It was the ALDS finals. Game five against Texas. And the most insane thing, I think they wrote a new rule in baseball today, which never happened. Oh, yeah.

Because, no, should I explain this? No one cares. Yeah, go ahead. I don't know anything. By the time you've heard this, it already happened. That one weird play. So basically. Now you have to.

Through a strike, Rugnet Odor of Texas Rangers was exciting at the beginning of the season. Got him on my fantasy team. Got bummed out by his injury. Let him go. Put a pin in that. Fantasy team. Keep going. So he's on third. got him on my fantasy team got bummed out by his injury let him go put a pin in that fantasy team keep going so he's on third it's not a forced play

and the catcher Strowman threw a strike to Russell Martin our catcher and he caught it and then and it wasn't like he caught it and fumbled it

he caught it and then tried to throw it back to Marcus Strowman and somehow it hit off the bat of Sin Chu Chu, who was at base. So the ball flew up the third baseline. He was in the batter's box.

He wasn't at base. Sorry. I got too excited. He was in the batter's box. And he was getting ready for the next pitch, and it bounced off the bat and flew up the third baseline. And Ragnar D'Or just ran. And everyone was like, what do we do now?

Except he knew what to do. But the problem was the rules could be anything except the umpire who is the awkward uncle of umpires in a way I've never seen. Just the guy that you're like, why are you at my bat mitzvah? Get out of here. You're bumming everybody out. Keep making awkward

calls. Making all the umpires talk to you about what's going on because you're a bit embarrassed about the choice you made. I was embarrassed. That metaphor went all over the place. First he was an uncle, then the umpires were at your back. This is new material from today. I know.

She's just working it out. That's true. And I was there hours ago. But Ragnar Nodur ran home, and Josh Donaldson, our third baseman, and Troy Tulewicz, Gary Shores, and Aaron Sanchez, oh, sorry, it was Aaron Sanchez who was pitching, all started running towards the ball. Thank you. And then the umpire waved them off like it's a dead ball, so they stopped short, and then Ragnar Dörr scored, and everyone was like, what the hell? And they reviewed the play for so long.

So what, it was that it went off the end of the bat no it went off like the side of the bat like just above his hand it wasn't the pitcher throwing to the catcher it was the catcher just throwing to the pitcher

yeah yeah he caught the ball it was called a strike he tried to throw it back to Aaron Sanchez and it bounced off the bat so it wasn't in play weren't you glad

we explained it yeah boy oh boy I asked if I should and you guys said yes and then you regretted it that was great and we all regretted it. No, no, no.

The great part of it was that you knew all the names, but also could have been making up names that whole time. You mumbled the names. Running in the door. I also said at the base, because I got too excited. You know what? This is a marathon. This is not a sprint.

Take your time. This is a workshop. By the time this... Oh, this play is going to be incredible. Yeah, by the time this gets to Fringe, it's going to be ready. This play about watching this one game. Oh, no.

The new rule. And that's the whole play. Do you guys remember the game? It was a wild game. Were you... You're younger than us, I think. Everyone is. Oh, oh yeah except the dead uh were you around for their uh the blue jays um world series i was around on earth i was four and five

um so so didn't impact five and six my bad not a big impact Not a big impact. Not a big impact, but I remember it vaguely. I remember it happening at my house, but I don't. It happened at your house? Yeah. That's the crazy part. People think it was at the Sky Dome, but it was just in my parents' pre-renovated bungalow in North Toronto. The easiest explanation would be that you lived at the Sky Dome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they have beds there. That's where you're wrong. It was all CGI later. You look at my highlights. Oh, and CGI wasn't that good back then. I'm surprised we were fools. But Jurassic Park came out around the same time and people thought, we could do this. Let's go to the Rosens, play some World Series. Oh, that's why

there were so many dinosaurs in the stands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that explains everything. It was to distract from the CGI background. And they just kept cutting away the glasses of water that people were drinking. Oh, look at the ripples. Yeah. It was just Neil, what's his face? Sam Neill just being stunned.

Yeah. By the majesty of it all. Were you, as a little kid, were you taken to baseball games? Is this a part of your growing up or did you get into it later? I got into it a bit later. I grew up with very academic parents. And my dad loved sports, so he taught me the rules of every sport. Okay.

So I learned the analysis and the academics of sports, but without the joy or the passion or the fun. Until I got older. Why did he teach you those things if then not to watch sports? We would watch the World Series every year. We would watch the Super Bowl every year. We would sometimes watch the Stanley Cup and the NBA Finals. But it was mostly to... The big four.

The big four. But it was mostly as like, isn't the art of sport fascinating? Not have some small joy you child oh like look at these plebs and their games these people these 50,000 people don't understand it the way you and I do

really making my dad sound like a bit of a rough dude we're trying to I think he's like I'm picturing kind of a Frasier crane I'm picturing just kind of a cord dude. No, we're trying to, I think he's like, I'm picturing kind of a Frasier Crane. I'm picturing just kind of a corduroy dandy. Yeah, corduroy dandy is a better word. He's a bit cooler than Frasier Crane because he doesn't have as much emotional depth.

So, oh, like he's not cooler like he owns a motorcycle no he is cooler but he's also not trying to like have a psychological discussion all the time because my mom's a shrink and you can only have one oh my parents you know what if you combine my parents i just was raised by one fraser crane cool yeah it's like a centaur yeah with like Kelsey Grammer's torso and a horse body and Kelsey Grammer's bottom

yeah it's it's the it's the top of a Frasier and the bottom of a Kelsey Grammer yeah

oh boy wow uh so your mother psychiatrist psychologist psychologist and father just an academic school guy?

No, my dad actually taught history of film at York and studied film at UCLA. So he's a writer. But then he got into like, you know when you watch movies and you accidentally, oh, for sure. But you know when you press a button when you're watching TV and then just like a soft woman's voice is like, he walks to the front door. Yeah. For blind people. Oh, okay. He was like the main guy for writing descriptive video in Canada for like 20 years.

Really? Yeah. That's amazing. It was a weird gig. And then just like a tiny Jewish like pit bull from New York who just knew all the psychology. And that's what I grew up with. Wow. Yeah. Huh. And I'm an only child and they're like in their

70s now and I'm 28 so it was a very weird upbringing. Oh that's fun Yeah it was fun. Sure Yeah it was fun How was it growing up as an only kid? Is that good? Because both Dave and I were siblings. I'm the

youngest so I had four years where I was an only child. Oh, yeah. You got a taste. I got a taste. Wait, you're the youngest, but you had four years as an only child? That math is nuts. My closest sibling is four years older than me, so she moved away. Oh, so they were out of the house.

I see what you mean. Yeah. That's what I, yeah. The time in your family wasn't circular. It's just. No, no. We each did a turn as an only child the other two

hid in the basement no it's very odd yeah it's cool but do you know it's odd at the time no it's discovering it's odd

as an adult that's really weird but I also like so Kayla Red who you mentioned who was here recently was one of my best friends and she's also an only, that's really weird. But I also like, so Kayla Red, who you mentioned, who was here recently, is one of my best friends. And she's also an only child.

That's not what she said. Wow. Wow. Can't wait for that ep. Oof. But her parents are like, we're the same age, and her parents are like 20 years younger than mine. Oh, that's weird.

So I have a weird, and my parents were cool. They were like hippies. They lived in like India for a while, and they were just like these loose weirdos and then they were like we're 45 should we have a last odd adventure and give it to some nannies cool let's have that one last odd adventure that you look at your birth certificate that's your actual name odd adventure but it's all in quotes between evany and Rosen But I'm super close With my parents

Which is cool Which I think happens When you're an only child Like I'm best friends With both my parents But there's no one else To corroborate Yeah

Just my weird Like 70 year old parents Being like They did Yeah They were weird Like something where Yeah you go like

They do this thing Yeah I'm not go like, they do this thing. Yeah. I'm not crazy for thinking they do this thing. No, because they just pretend they have Alzheimer's and don't remember and then no one knows. Oh, that's good. That's good. Oh, they love pretending they have Alzheimer's. I think that's sad.

What, did they have to pretend? Yeah. I mean, there's so many out there that have it. Just adopt one of them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Dave, exactly. Thank you. So, you kind of like found baseball.

You obviously are like a sports fan. Did you ever play sports? Yeah. Are you a jock? No, I mean, you can both see me from where you're sitting. No, no, no. I'm in our New York studio. Dave's in San Francisco.

Click is over here. Clack's over there. Kevin is over on Bean Island. I can't tell from looking at you that you would be good or bad at softball. Yeah, I would see. I bet you would be a fast runner. Plus, you're wearing a shawl. I am wearing a shawl.

I'm wearing a real shul outfit because I'm wearing a long black skirt and sort of a shawl. Did you ever play shul ball? I played shul ball and shul ball. One was Jewish. One was just Jewish attire, and the other one was softball. So, you played softball. That was it? That was the sport? That was the main sport I played in high school.

Yeah. And like, what is the, because I really don't know. What is the difference between baseball and softball? Well, go ahead. Go ahead.

Tell me. I know the ball's bigger. The ball's bigger, not softer. Ironically, is it hit in the body with a softball, but it's just more surface area of a hard ball hitting your body. It is a little like.

It's a little softer. But yeah, it's not like a foam ball. Yeah, you don't take it home at the end of practice and have a nap on it. Yeah, it's not a wiffle ball. Yeah, you don't take a sleep on it. Yeah. Just roll out a bunch of softballs and have a nap. Yeah.

And you pitch underhand. And you pitch underhand. And you pitch underhand. Those are the main differences. Now, wouldn't that be, I have no idea again. This is the second round of I have no idea. Is pitching underhand easier than pitching regular overhand style? To pitch? I don't know.

If you're playing like beer league softball, like, and you just want, like, and you're pitching to your own team, it's definitely easier. But in like competitive softball, you usually pitch windmill, which is like fast. It's not as fast, your fastball, but your fastballs like in like professional softball. So like 75 miles an hour or 70 miles an hour, I think, or I'm just lying about sports. Yeah. Yeah. We'll believe you.

But, um. You could be making up this whole thing. I have no way to verify. Because you go like all the way around. Right. And then so your release point's really weird. Sometimes the best pitchers will go around three or four times just to intimidate you. And they raise one

leg and have a cigar and do a really zany face. But does that actually, is there a science there that spinning your arm around makes it go? Yeah. No. Is there? Probably.

I think it's basic velocity. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. If you keep that arm really straight, it's got to be totally straight. But sometimes your arm flies off into space. Or into the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Depending where it falls off.

When Astro Boy plays softball, you never know what's going to happen. Have any professional Major League Baseball players pitched underhand? Is it their choice to? Because some guys do sidearm and some guys do submarine, but no one does the centrifugalugal force thing i would love if anyone did they always winked at the batter before they did it and then it was their cool it's like the trick play at the very end yeah and it never works you just fucking get a home run there was this kid uh once who broke his arm and the tendons they feel really tight this is the one thing i

know about baseball and uh he he was 12 years old. He was drafted by, I think he was just signed by the Chicago Cubs, Henry Roland Gardner. Was he signed to their farm team for sure? No, no, no, no. The majors. Are we talking about the movie Rookie of the Year? Yes.

Is that the one where the guy inherited the Minnesota Twins? Yeah. That was the same year. That was the year that everything crazy happened in baseball. What was the one with the angels in the outfield? That was Field of Dreams. Technically. Technically, I'm not wrong.

I like that you bought it for a little while. Yeah, the you were... The look on your face was so incredulous. I must have been to a single-life farm team. It can't have been right to the Cubs. Oh, it must have been just a promotional stunt. Like that time Manute Bull played hockey. Has anybody...

Is softball... Is that a women-only sport? Or do guys play softball i have no idea like i think in japan men might play softball i think in the olympics no i mean that statement wasn't supposed to upset anyone check your privilege of the door what the door what um so because i don't i don't know i i didn't know anybody who played either growing up i don't think baseball or softball but everybody that i know has played softball happens to be a woman but i don't know that it's a woman-only gig. As far as I know, in general, I think softball is, like, professional

softball is a women's sport. Most, like, beer league softball is, if boys are allowed. Sure. But I felt confident about my Japan statement before you called me on my white privilege.

Well. Now I'm white privilege. Well. Now I'm going to leave. Yeah. But has a woman ever played in the baseball in the major leagues? I don't know. I don't think so.

Could they? Is that. They were talking about that girl at the World Juniors last year. Oh yeah. Or the. What do you ever.

You call it the. Sorry. Little League World Series. World Juniors is for hockey. Which is a sport juniors last year oh yeah or the uh um what do you ever you call it the little league world series world juniors is for hockey which is a sport i don't know anything about but you probably know the technical side sure thanks thanks dad yeah oh this water is uh below zero degrees celsius thanks dad yeah and the the red line is red. This hand bunny is a square. But like, yeah, I don't know. Because baseball, it seems like if you're a good pitcher, a good hitter, it wouldn't matter if you were a guy or a girl, right? And a lot of the women I know, none of them are belly itchers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something that I'll go on record as saying, because I've never met a lady who's a belly itcher. What are the things we want and don't want? We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher. Yeah. Do we want a batter, not a broken ladder? Was that something?

I know we want a catcher, not a belly scratcher. For sure. Or a snatcher of kids. Not a, yeah, not a. Leave the kids with their parents and just catch the ball, man. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah.

Stop screwing up everybody's Sunday by taking people's kids. That's what they say to you when they sign you to the majors and you're a catcher. They congratulate you and then they warn you not to take any kids. Yeah. You take an oath. You're going to be a catcher. You're not going to be a back scratcher. You're not going to be a kid snatcher. You're not going to be a kid snatcher.

We need a short stop, not a port cop. Yeah. Oh, just like the port authority. Yeah, like a security guard at the port. Yeah, like don't bust drugs at the docks. Yeah. Don't bust drugs. Just be a short stop.

We need a right fielder. We don't need a night healer. What?ielder we don't need a knight healer what? yeah you don't need a knight healer this is working this is happening because knights are

obsolete and we don't need that kind of skill anymore it's not the middle ages just catch the ball see I'm an idiot I thought a knight

healer was somebody who like comes in the middle of the night and he patches you up we need a designated hitter

we don't need an impregnated hitter an impregnated hitter. An impregnated hitter. Well, Dave, take the rest of the night off because you hit a high note. You can't possibly vault over. Oh, man.

Was there taunting in softball? Not a ton. It was pretty sportsmanlike, but I do remember. In Japan, it was sportsmanlike. Here, it's sportswomanlike. Never live is now. The PC police over here. But I remember because I went to an all-girls private school in Toronto.

Oh, boy. That privilege thing is going to come back from Dave in a big way. No, that's not what that was. So, all-girl private school. This is uniforms we're talking about? Full uniforms. Oh, wow. Okay.

And, like, what is the skirt like? Like, are there rules around it? Like, in a way that feels like describing it to anyone now feels like, and it was from a porn. We would go to advisor group and you'd have to kneel down and hold your fingers next to your thighs and see if it was long enough. Serious? Oh my God. Wow. Oh man, you didn't even have to exaggerate it to make it sound like a terrible word.

So private school in Toronto. In Toronto. And this is, you played softball? I played softball. What were you called? What was the name? The Brankton Hall School for Girls Softball Team. That's hard to chant. Yeah. Well, we didn't have a lot of fans you didn't have a mascot oh well the school it was a hall it was a giant hall

brangham hall branksome hall branksome hall hall and the school's mascot was Ribbit, who was a frog. Sure. Which is apropos of nothing. Absolutely. Was the frog at least wearing a proper length skirt? The frog was naked

if I can be honest with you guys. Wow. I mean, this school is sending all sorts of missed messages. Very sexy.

Ribbit, the nude frog. The sexy nude frog. we have to call it by its real name rivet the branksham hall independent school for girls nude frog softball mascot you just say it every time uh if you got your picture taken with it, then it would blur out. We want a nude frog. We don't want a dude's hog. Your rhyming is off the charts. But I do remember this. I can't remember what school it was, but it was another all-girls school.

And I remember we played this team a couple of times. And I remember getting a single and being on first base. And I checked in with my friends on the team to find out if it was the same. And she would go go welcome to first base population one two now that you're here and then we just turn back to the play just a five alarm nerd in the best way I'm a learned nerd Wow And like a whole welcoming speech All figured out I think first base is like the most

Chatty position In sports Is that right? I don't know Does the cat trick talk to the batter? Not really I don't think But what on first base you're always just chatting? Yeah

Well because you're kind of standing around there for a bit right um and it's the it's like the position and there's no i think i can't remember i think there's no stealing in softball or in a lot of softball okay i know there's no crying in baseball are you allowed to do like somersaults yeah or just like cheerleading your way to the next basement. Was there ever like a controversy where there was like a team had a really good player and she was hitting the ball out of the park all the time. It turns out it was a Japanese guy in a wig. Twice, yes. Oh, really?

No. Rocked the school twice. Yeah, really? No. Rock the school twice. Yeah, Ladybug. Yeah, we've put in all sorts of controls so that, oh my God, it happened again. Basically, my high school experience was Ladybug meets The Birdcage. That was sort of... Oh, that's a pitch you could sell to Hollywood or a jar. Meets no softball movie that anyone's ever made because no one wants to.

Where's the softball movie? Yeah, where is the softball movie? There's got to be a video game. Oh, yeah, the softball video game on Intellivision, maybe. I'm sure they at least made an app. Oh, yeah. I have a curling app. No, you don't.

I do. Get out of the ice rink. What are you talking i do get out of the ice rink what are you talking about get out of the ice rink you heard the you heard her do as you're told you heard the nude frog i'm sorry no it's bring some it's ribbit bring some call in independent school for girls nude frog mascot for the softball team um. Was going to a private high school, well, I guess you wouldn't know if it was weird or normal because you didn't go to public high school. Because you didn't have any siblings who went to public high school.

Yeah, exactly. Weirdly, I think it was bizarre. It was so bizarre. But as a comedian, it was helpful because I got to be the class clown where I don't think if there were boys there, I would have. Okay. Which is not a particularly hilarious thing to say, but it's true. No, but that's it.

I'm just living my truths here on the podcast, I guess. So it was all, like, was it grade 9, 10, or 11, 12, or how did it work? I went there in grade 6 because that's, well, you guys don't remember the Mike Harris strike, nor does anyone because it's not a cool topic. But can you describe it like you would describe the sporting event earlier? Mike Harris, premier of the state. You're losing it. He was at the base.

No, he cut a bunch of funding and the schools strike like i was out of school for like two or three weeks and my parents who were the both academics were like absolutely not so they sent me to private school so i just sort of showed up in this new weird environment uh that wasn't like my upbringing but i was just there right um but i think being in an all girls i think the weirdly i think being uh in high school in an all girls environment is wonderful for girls. And I think being in an all boys environment is terrible for boys. So I don't know what the solution is.

It turns into a Lord of the flies real quick. Any all guys, anything like, let's pick on the week. They're picking on the week. They're downloading curling apps. They're being too much. They, I would. Let's pick on the weak one. Yeah, they're picking on the weak. They're downloading curling apps. They're being too much.

They're being too much. I think guys got plenty of picked on in a co-ed environment as well. Absolutely. And sometimes just

for the novelty of doing it in front of girls. Yeah. That's a thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You never got to be

pushed into the wrong bathroom. Yeah. I think what we need is. Never got to. Not never had to. Never got. I think what we need is... Never got to. Not never had to. Never got to.

I think we need to have all-girls school, and then every boy has to be one-on-one tutored by a robot. Who's Alice from the Jetsons? Was it Alice? It was... It was Alice, wasn't it? Alice was the... Brady Bunch.

Brady Bunch. Was she a robot? Rosie. Rosie. Yeah. I'll go. Get out. How do you pronounce that guy's name?

Rugned Odor? Rugned Odor, I believe. From only reading it written down on my fantasy team before I dropped it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We put a pin in it. Fantasy baseball. Let's take the pin out. Yeah. Graham physically took I dropped it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We put a pin in it. Fantasy baseball. Let's take the pin out.

Yeah. Graham physically took the pin out. Oh, no. He was just looking for a bottle opener. Yeah. But I can do both. I'm a modern man. What is that about?

Fantasy baseball league. You do this every year? I do this every year. And I mostly do it with Vancouverites now. Okay. But I was in two leagues. I was in one league

and then I was in two leagues and then the casual league merged with the intense league. And I'm in a very intense league run by Ryan Beal and Craig Anderson. Mostly Craig Anderson because Ryan Beal

just drafts a bunch of cubs and gets too pumped and can't handle it. It's just the whole world. This fantasy. So how, for the layman, me,

I'm not exactly sure how, like I know the idea of the fantasy league. Right. But I don't understand how it works because like how how does one person not just scoop up all the best people you draft or so you draft so in like in the more casual league it was like a snake draft

which is like basic fantasy sports drafting snake draft don't know what that everyone you're all in an order okay which is randomly generated and then you'd go from like number, number one to number ten or twelve. And then start over again? And then back up the other way. Oh, I see, okay.

Yeah. But we play in a much less fun version where it's an auction keeper league. So you can keep up to nine players from the previous season, and you play with imaginary money. So anyone you pick to have waivers only costs five bucks, and anyone you bought during the auction last year costs $5 more of your imaginary $400. But don't you put in money in these fantasy things? Yeah, everyone puts in 50 bucks, but you have like, I'm already bored explaining it. It's so complicated.

Oh, man. And so that 50 bucks, like, you get four times the amount off of that 50 bucks or eight times the amount or something? How does that work? How do you win the money from a fantasy? Yeah. I honestly don't know. Like, I'm, this always feels like it would be right up my alley, except I don't know how it's calculated. Like, do you go up against a guy? Like,

so we would go, like you go head to head with a new team each week. There's two divisions, but you go head to head against everyone. But are the divisions, the actual divisions? No, they're just randomly generated within your league.

Your, your 10 dudes, your 10 teams. Um, and there's five, uh, batting stats and five pitching stats. Right.

So you played, and then it's just like best out of ten each week. Right. And this is based on actual players' real stats. Yeah. As they're playing the season. Okay. So if the guys on your team get a bunch of home runs, you're probably going to win home runs for the week.

Right. Okay. All right. If a bunch of your pitchers get a bunch of strikeouts, you're probably going to win strikeouts for the week. Right. Okay. All right. If a bunch of your pitchers get a bunch of strikeouts, you're probably going to win strikeouts for the week. I think this is the least...

I want them. Yeah, give me an A. This was a fantasy for me. I was just going to say, I think this is the least amount of time I've heard no one laugh on this podcast. But is it like...

Only you can't bring back dead players. Yeah. There's nothing like that. Like murdered players? Is it like, only you can't bring back dead players. Yeah. There's nothing like that. Like murdered players? Like Babe Ruth. Yeah. No, yeah.

No. So specifically, can I bring back murdered players? Because they died before their time. Uh-huh. You know, the other players, whatever. Or players convicted of murder. Yeah. And also.

Or wrongly convicted. Or people who I think would have been good players if they applied themselves. Yeah, or if a basketball player had tried his hand at baseball, would he have been any good? Or if a basketball player tried his hand at hockey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did that happen ever? Well, Manu Ball, from earlier. Do you get any points for watching Moneyball a lot? Yeah. Because I could clean up.

So, and then, have you ever won? I come in second every year and it makes me so mad, guys. Did you pick

a lot of Blue Jays? This could be your year. No, it's over. No, no, it's done now because the postseason of Fantasy ends right before the postseason. It's just regular season

but I have a very specific strategy in fantasy baseball oh my god we're getting way too deep into this well there's a whole isn't there

there's a whole sitcom based on this oh yeah the league the league yeah so it's interesting it's football in that one I think it is football

yeah and the one guy lied that he was at 9-11 so that's really what the show is about, I think. Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. Weird news nugget.

Why would you lie about a thing that's so find-outable? It wasn't find-outable. I know, and that's what blows my mind. Unless you become famous. Right, well. But no, he only started telling the story after he was famous, didn't he? Like when people are like, tell us about how you got into comedy. I don't know.

He's like 9-11. At least he wasn't like, I wasn't numb. I'm 34. Yeah. I wasn't, I died in the major leagues in the 30s. I was murdered. Yeah. And that's how I got into comedy.

I was murdered, and I decided, you know what? It's not for me. This year, I like baseball fine. I really only watch the playoffs. You root for the home team. I'll root for whatever team is down by a couple runs in the eighth. You can admit that when they don't win. It's a shame.

It's a shame. Absolutely. This year I watched. How many strikes is it before you win? Oh, boy. Depends on if you're playing fantasy or not. Seven strikes in fantasy, three in real, and four in softball. Go.

This year I spent more time Watching Ken Burns baseball Than actual baseball Have you watched the 10th inning? Yeah That's my favorite Oh yeah Because of the steroid scandal Yeah Steroids and all the fun

Fun Dominican energy Oh yeah And the strike The season where the Expos could have won But there was that strike Wow I don't know what you guys are talking about What is that thing?

10th inning Is it a series of things about baseball. It's just all the baseball that took place after Ken Burns made his baseball thing. So it's just more Ken Burns baseball? Yeah. Oh, wow. They have a better foot. It was his murder lap.

Yeah. They made so many. Is he going to do a baseball prequel? Rounders. When it was just turn of the century boys rolling marbles at each other. And it's 12 hours long. It is like he does in the first, it takes a while to pick up. There's at least two innings of just dead ball.

Yeah. It's so long. Or just like, here's a crazy story about when they didn't have fences. Oh, yeah, yeah. The crowd was just on the field. Oh, I like that. I like a standing room only. And like a baseball game where you just show up and hang out on the field.

A lot of outfielders occasionally got pickpocketed. Oh, yeah. No, they didn't. Then murdered. The pickpockets. Oh, yeah. No, they didn't. Then murdered the pickpockets there with their wallets and their billfolds. That was part of the standard uniform. They still have pockets. Why?

They still have pockets and belts. And belts, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, but they must keep something in there. Chew. Stats. The cards of their favorite players. Oh my god. He's looking at the

card, looking at the guy, looking at the card. When you get to first base. It's his kit in the face of the baseball. You have all that

downtime at first base. You can get it signed. Oh yeah, you can do some Sudokos. Well, if you don't have a cool opening

line like that girl in my softball league, you gotta do some. Oh yeah, you gotta work on your banter. Population. Ebony. The Ribbit. Yeah.

Population 2, now that you're here. Like, it was as though it was just for herself and then adjusted it for me, but I was like, but who were you saying this to before? Yeah, that sure is lonely here at first base, Population 1. This umpire won't talk to me. Good night, everybody. Population 0 over there.

Running tally of the population. Oh, man. She's a statistician now. Is that true? Oh, that would be the greatest. Do you keep in touch with any of the old gang? Yeah, your softball kids? Not a ton, but I recently went to my high school reunion.

What? Which was insane. That is insane. I would never. I have never. I would never. I would never. It was my 10-year high school reunion.

And I think because I went to an all-girls school i was like weirdly fascinated by it yeah um and it was so weird and i happen to have a friend who went to university with me so we've been friends the whole time and forgot we were friends from high school even though we've been friends it's like all of our shared references are not from that and then we were like oh yeah remember we went to high school together and now we have to get loaded at a West End bar and cab to Brankson? I guess that's what's happening. Wow. You were the Romy and Michelle of that.

Yeah, we claimed we invented Post-Its. Oh, yeah, that's what they did then. I danced with a sexy nerd who invented sneakers. Don't spoil it. Who invented sneakers. So what was it like? It was bizarre. don't spoil it invented sneakers uh so what was it like it was bizarre

it was bizarre were they playing 80s music that's what I assume happens at every graduation no matter the era you go back

they play 80s music what was so weird is like even like the school was fancy I guess when I went there but they've like

they've really like pumped some cash into that place. Because there was an Olympic-sized pool and all these rowing machines. Near the pool? That's very silly. Near the pool. Just to give you the idea of your rowing and water.

I just imagine girls row while they watch other girls swim and they're staring at each other. This is a good image. Yeah, this is pretty good. This works. So, new pool. Segways for everyone. The new mascot is the Segway. Rude frog now is close.

It's just a Segway that runs over a dead frog. Gives a thumbs up. Zippy the segway. It was weird. Like, why was it weird? But, like, what was weird about it? Was it weird how people had changed? Were any of the staff there?

Oh, yeah. Teachers? And also, they do reunions by every five or ten years. So, it wasn't just the ten year anniversary. It was like the ten year, the 15, the twenty, the twenty-five, the thirty. All in one? Yeah. Oh, that is weird.

It was, it was so, I wish I had like cooler bits, but it was so surreal and weird. I just, and there was like a weird, the weirdest part is that there was a signature drink they were trying to do. Which was? I don't know. It had grenadine in it. Just a cup of grenadine. Even in civil. I don't know.

It was a superfood. It was a superfood. Was there dancing? Because that seems to be in movies, the hallmark of the region. And were people allowed to bring a date? Because it's allowed to, were the people allowed to bring a date? Because it's all girls. You weren't allowed to bring a date? No one did.

And I think, and it was like, if I, if anyone was there. Of course, we never learned to date because we went to a girls' school. We know only rowing and swimming. And softball. No, it was like, it was, but that's what was fascinating about it. It's like, it was like, but that's what was fascinating about it. It was really an event for women. There were no,

I was in a room of like 300 women that were like five generations of going to my school. It was bizarre. That is kind of weird. Yeah, and no one brought their husbands or their spouses or anything like that. So it was all just people catching up.

A group of women being like, so what do you do now? Very intense way. Me having to softly explain my odd choices to all these lawyers. That's why I've never gone to a reunion. What do you do now? Not enough. Not a real thing. Nothing you'll get.

Yeah. Oh, boy. If I, like, I have to explain it to my parents' friends. I didn't expect to have to explain it to my peers. Was there anybody who, like, because you're quite well known in the comedy world. You've been on television and stuff. Was there anybody who was like, I've seen you on TV? Well, also, like, my graduating class was like 90 people.

So they all have kind of been following what I've been up to since then. Nice. Since I was the class clown because there were no boys around to just whack their dicks around at the valedictorian podium. That is funny.

Yeah. So. Valedictorian. Yeah. So please welcome your valedictorian. End class clown. He goes up to the thing. He's like, he farts into the microphone.

The future is yours, everybody. Wap it, wap it over. Reach for your stars and your dogs. Wap, wap. Wap, wap, wap. Reach for your stars and your dongs. Web, web. Web, web, web. Oh, boy. Woo! Yeah.

High school reunion. Wow, you're braver than I am. I wouldn't have the stones to go to a high school reunion. You'd have too many stones to go to a high school reunion. Yeah. I went to all boys academy. go to a high school reunion. Yeah. I went to All Boys Academy. Yeah, the cojones. Yeah. They burn down the school at the end of every year. That's why I never went. You don't want to see their

mascot. You don't want to see the cojones mascot. It's exactly what you think it is. So graphic. Oh, brother. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Guys, I have joined the car share revolution. Yes.

Thank God. I'm now a card-carrying member of the Car2Go. The communist party. It might as well be. It feels very... Might as well be. Feels very socialist. Fair enough.

You're right. To be sharing smart cars with God knows who. Of all classes of people. They don't even ask. What class are you from? You have to be of noble birth to compete. even ask what what class are you from you have to be of noble birth to compete um so uh there's a couple different ones in town yeah i joined car to go that's the that's the big one yeah because abby uh when we had a baby she decided to get her driver's license and now good she drives the baby around. And now I... Not in a car.

Not on it. She doesn't use the baby as a car. She didn't get that license. That license is too hard to get. Yeah. But that visual is pretty great. And so what this is, is you go, you have an app, and then you're I'm what car to go do I want what

yeah which one's closest what smart car do I want to drive they're all smart cars they're all smart cars well now apparently they have other ones but

cause there's another one that has like a variety of yeah cars but that's not this one that's not this one this one is smart cars and they are

very they feel very much like you're like driving a scooter that has just like a shell over top of it Yeah it feels like you're in a Like you just manage a zoo Yeah

We bought a zoo did you hear about that Yeah And the first Abby drives the baby around all around the zoo Yeah oh she learns all the Animal noises There's no easier way the baby around all around the zoo. Yeah. Oh, she learns all the animal noises. Yeah. There's no easier way.

Yeah. Practical animal experience. Learn on the job. So I've been, yeah, taking these little cars around town. Yeah. Does not feel, doesn't feel safe. Yeah, you feel like you're just kind of out there on the road. And every time you drive one, it's a different one,

and they're all not the same quality, and sometimes the brakes are just a little bit loosey-goosey. It's like an idea of what cars used to have. Yeah, yeah. You hit the brake and a little flag comes up. It says, Cool choice. Stop. But, yeah, that's basically, like, it's, I don't know, I don't feel great about it.

About being part of the thing or driving in them? Any of it. Like, you have to go and stand next to it and wait until it goes like you send a message to space yeah and then it comes back down it goes oh it lets you in yeah it unlocks the car and then a little voice comes on and tells you when a voice comes on a voice comes on it says like hello hello david hello david yeah how have you been bad yeah we've been waiting for you it's's just the movie Christine over and over again. Body by Chrysler, soul by Cardigo. With a Denzel face.

So you, like, what is it, a monthly thing? So it's per drive. It's per drive. It's cheaper than a cab. Yeah, I should get it, except the only time's cheaper than a cab yeah i should i should get it except the only time that i use a cab is when i'm drunk so like the only time that i like justify in my head like i'm fucking i'll take a cab it's for the moments which are all the moments when i feel like i'm too good for the bus oh yeah sure sure well how much so you have to pay like a thing

right one time thing? $35. Yeah. People keep telling me they're like, wait until there's a half off deal. Oh, yeah. Apparently there are. Yeah. All the time. Do you ever think about just getting a human car of your own?

A human car? A second human car? Wait, do you have two cars? No, we have one car. Oh, you have one car. That's wrong. Three cars would be insane. Yeah, just one. And then one just for knocking around on the weekends.

It's just a dune buggy. I get it. So you don't really need a second car, which is hence the name. Yeah, we need a human car, not a dirty zoo man's car. Well, you bought a zoo, so. Yeah, yeah. Dirty zoo. Then that's what they call people who work at the zoo.

A zoo man zoo a zoo man a zoo man um well keeper is racist so you can't say that you gotta say zoo man yeah that's right yeah

we're just sexist but we're sorting that out it's not time yet yeah zoo person yeah but like then the zoo person

is the person that you go to the zoo to see the person who lives in the zoo in the human exhibit they're a zoo person would you do that the zoo to see the person who lives in the zoo oh in the human exhibit right there's a person would you do that oh yeah i'm good like for what ten dollars a day no room and board what kind of what kind of like what kind of meals are we talking to order like i get to

choose like there's a meal trick um you get no it's you you don't get uh carte blanche yeah you get uh carte blanche um there's three choices a day okay three oh but choices but some of them repeat and i and i get room so there's three meals a day and you can pick what order you get we go we got wi-fi breakfast for dinner uh yeah you got wi-fi it's a it's a human exhibit ain't it yeah it's like a cable i got wi-fi nude all the time yeah i can't wear pajamas to bed a lot of casual stipulations the deeper we get into this wait okay is it is it warm yeah okay yeah then I'm in. Okay. Yeah. We can make it happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was like, I wasn't sold on the nude, but if it's like nice room temperature, then I'm fine with that. But wait, how long is this for? Is this for life? Is this for a month? Is this for a year? Yeah, this is for until I attack a trainer. Oh, and also, occasionally they'll bring in someone to breed with you.

A zoo person. Yeah, a zoo person. A zooman. Oh, you get a breeder. Hell of a zooman. Yeah, you get to breed with someone. Or, you know, they don't always take. Yeah, a zoo person. A zooman. Oh, you get a breeder. Yeah, you get to breed with someone. Or, you know, they don't always take. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're not always compatible. Well, because it's a panda and they don't breed well. Yeah. Oh, boy. Picky. Yeah, and lazy. That's the other thing about pandas. Very lazy.

Too lazy to do it. Yeah. They should be extinct. Like, there's other animals That are doing it Constantly And we're trying to Kill them off With all our might But pandas

They don't even want to reproduce And we're like Protecting them at every turn They hate it They They want to die They're the cast of Married with children

They just can't be bothered Well Was it just Al? It was just Al. Every panda is Al from Married to Children. Everyone else in the family seemed super horny. It's just a panda

and a bunch of bonobo monkeys climbing all over. Al was also super horny. Oh, yeah. Just not for his wife. Not for Peg. Yeah, but then he had a soft spot for...

It was weird. I remember watching that and thinking like is this a thing that exists in yeah it was a weird sort of like a set of family values yeah like uh the and it wasn't maybe the most cheers per episode more than cheers oh yeah like just because cheers got laughs. Yeah. Oh, we should do a show called Laughs. It's all Cheers.

Everybody, like, everybody who entered the scene got a cheer. Yeah. And then putting his hand... Including just, like, their neighbor's eyes in a painting, watching what they were up to. Putting his hand in his pants got a cheer. Mm-hmm. Yep. Putting a Playboy under his arms.

Biggins was the magazine. And he joined No Ma'am was the organization. The men's rights organization. But everything got a cheer. Was that the genesis of like in sitcoms of like a not handsome man with a hotter wife that he couldn't understand that there was a disparity there? That's like the Honeymooners. You're right. It's like the Flintstones. Well, the Flintstones was based on the there? No, I think that's like the Honeymooners. You're right. It's like the Flintstones.

Yeah. Well, the Flintstones was based on the Honeymooners, I think, wasn't it? No, it was earlier. It was from the Stone Age. But, you know, yeah, I think Honeymooners

was the, that was the archetype and then America was like, yes, this all the time. Like, always. This is what men want. Basically. Was Fred Flintstone ugly?

Yeah, compared to Wilma? Compared to Wilma? Yeah. And also Barney compared to Ben. You psycho. Yeah. What about George Jetson? Yeah, he was.

He was okay. He kept it tight. He kept it trim. He kept it tight. He had a Gene Kelly vibe. He had a tight little booty. He was always on that treadmill. Jane, get me off this crazy thing. My He kept it tight. He had a Gene Kelly vibe. He had a tight little booty. He was always on that treadmill. Jane, get me off this crazy thing.

My booty's too tight. So yeah, it turned car share revolution. Grant, what's going on with you? I can't stop thinking about George Jetson. I can't stop thinking about George Jetson. But like, the only exercise he did was the treadmill. Yeah, that's right. Because everything else was done for him. He didn't even dress himself.

By Rosie, as I've now learned from the interview. And just other, like, robot arms. Yeah, would just come out and dress him, and then he would fly in a flying car, and he worked at a whatever. Oh, boy, I want to join the flying car revolution. Right? Yeah, in some kind of space zoo. Also, these car shares, no gasoline. This is all, are they all battery powered?

They're gas powered, and you can get free minutes if you Fill her up Oh really? Yeah I've never done it And I never will Someone else's job If somebody goes on a date In a car share

Is that a thing that A red flag? No well like Would you make out in a car share? Like is that a thing Oh boy at 41 cents a minute Right? Let's go into the

That's how you know what you're worth. That's what my mother always said. How long will you park the cars here and grope your breasts then?

Are you worth 41 cents a minute? That's how you learn. Your mom was a wise woman. Probably still is. Yeah, she's still around. She's still telling random women on our block that advice. Knocking on the window.

He should spend some money on you. 41 cents a minute. If you put out. Oh, wow. Yeah. Anyway, what is going on with you? Well, on the last episode, we had two gentleman guests, so we didn't really figure out what was going on. So I was away.

Oh, yeah. And in the time vortex of this show, that episode was recorded yesterday. That's right. Yeah. Which is wild. I know. What a wild trip it's been. Real disappointment. Which is why you're

listening and you're like oh the blue jays have been eliminated for weeks oh no she's in a fantasy playoff league is that the playoff league i've already lost thanks graham thanks dave i'll go um so i went to uh i went overseas i went and did comedy in rotterdam in the netherlands in the netherlands oh wow what was that like it was kind of weird yeah like rotterdam is it's actually it's a lot like vancouver like it's very super modern, unlike Amsterdam, which is kind of more old buildings. But Rotterdam, most of the buildings were bombed during the war. So these are all, like, brand new within, you know. How does it measure up to the Jetsons in terms of modernity?

Yeah. Well, there weren't any flying cars, but there were lots of Elroys. It was almost an entire city of Elroys. I had to sum up my experience in Rotterdam. Did you also go to Amsterdam? No. Okay. Because I had to come back here and record podcasts, go to Calgary.

Yeah. So I went to Rotterdam for a couple days. come back here and record podcasts, go to Calgary. And so, I went to Rotterdam for a couple days, did the this comedy festival, which I was on a couple of shows where the host did the entire opening in Dutch.

And then you're just, you're like, am I almost on? Like, and your intro up until your name. But you're not panicking, like, am I expected to speak Dutch? Well, but also I'm like, oh, they really seem to be enjoying Dutch. Are they going to even like, like, I come out there and they're like, hello. And they're like, oh, everybody rolls their eyes.

It's like chef school where you're expected to know how to make eggs like at least 10 ways like if you're a comedian like you well you can do it and you can do your set in touch yeah everyone knows you can do your set yeah um and it like uh the hotel that we stayed in it was like the most it was the most kind of futuristic looking hotel I've ever stayed in. Oh, cool. I walked in and you have to put your card in the thing to make the lights go on. Yeah. And then the whole thing was glass.

Everything was glass. Did it have one of those showers in the middle that's glass when you go inside it turns frost? It didn't turn frost. It turned Nixon. Could you see the whole room from the shower? Yes. You could watch TV from the shower? And also from the toilet.

Was the toilet glass? The toilet wasn't glass. Mercifully. Did you poo glass when you were there? Yeah. Well, I ate glass the whole time I was there. Because Rotterdam. Yeah, exactly. Glass and whole time I was there. Because Rotterdam. Yeah, exactly.

Glass and hollandaise sauce. They just call it sauce over there. You're right. We got there like super early and we were like, oh, well, I'm sure they've figured out some kind of early check-in situation. Who's we? Like, oh, well, I'm sure they've figured out some kind of early check-in situation. Who's we? Me and all the other comics that were flying in from London were all on the same flight. All spoke fluent Dutch.

Yeah. Really bragging about it on the plane. They didn't even have to bother. They knew all the references, what would work, what would not. Oh, that was the other thing. It was references that I was throwing out that I was like people are like we just don't know

what that is like I said the word molasses and they were like what is that oh really really they had no idea

what molasses was I don't think they have skunks in Europe oh that's yeah that's interesting like things that

you don't even think of as like a super local culture thing. Yeah. That must be so, I've never done a set, like I've never done a show in Europe, but adjusting your, like, but I'm used to adjusting my references even just from like Toronto to here or to the States or whatever, but adjusting your references to Europe where you're like, do you have this small pest here? No. You don't have a stink pest?

So that punchline's pretty much blown, okay. No. You don't have a stink test? That punchline's pretty much blown. Okay. When I did Edinburgh for the first time, I was doing a joke every night that depended on you knowing I was saying the word vest. And what do you think of when I say vest? I think of a cool sleeveless choice that men everywhere should be making more often.

But that's a part of a of your outside clothes right like it's a button-up thing you wear with a suit or without a suit but that's what we think a vest is a vest over there is a an undershirt what what we would call a length beater as a vest. Oh. Well, they've picked the better term for it. Yeah, absolutely. And a vest is either like a waistcoat or a top coat. I always thought a waistcoat or a top coat was a thing that goes over a vest but goes to kind of your knees if you're Sherlock Holmes. Waistcoat is if you're wearing a three-piece

suit, it's the vest part of that. Yeah, so that's what they call the waistcoat. And what do they call the... A top coat? Is that a top coat? I guess that's top coat. Sleeveless top coat. Puffy top coat. But, so we got to the hotel

six hours before we could check in. And they were like, the hotel was completely booked up the night before so it's going to be ours we need to clean all the glass yeah exactly we've got a whole we gotta hose it down with windex everybody in this hotel just puts them on the glass yeah so you'll be staying at the pressed ham you're staying at the first um so yeah like uh we got there to the hotel and we're like what do what are you gonna do for six hours and they're like well you can hang out in the bar upstairs so we're like okay at nine in the morning nine in the morning so we went to this bar also like super futuristic and uh they were super nice.

Like they let us sit there for as long as we wanted. We only ordered coffee and nobody harassed us. But then at one point, way at the other end of the bar, there was like a big group was having their lunch. And so we were all like kind of hungry. And I was like, I wonder if you could just walk over there and just steal a sandwich and then it was like buffet style yeah yeah and one of the other comedians kind of dared me to do it he was kind of like no you're not gonna i was like i'm gonna

i'm gonna go over there i'm gonna get a sandwich and i got greedy i got a sandwich and then I got greedy. I got a sandwich, and then I also went for some soup. And I was... And soup's a harder steal. You can kind of just, like, slither a sandwich into your open arms and walk away. Soup, you gotta, like, pour it and be like, maybe I'll get a garnish.

Like, it's involved. And also, they wouldn't let us serve our own soup, so there was a person serving it. Like an omelet bar. Yeah, so... Who were the people? Like, what was it?

It was some, like, convention. Corporate event or whatever. Yeah, and I got called out immediately. A woman said, are you with the Cartier group? And I was,

and I just said, yes. The Cartier group? Yeah. Like the, the jewelers? Yeah, something like that. And I said yes

and then I just stared off into space while she continued to stare at me. While this lady was ladling soup into my bowl. And then I just walked away. And no repercussions. And I got that sandwich and soup for free. Pretty happy about that.

Can I make a... Heavy decoration, it sounds like. make a heavy decoration. It sounds like, can I ask a question that combines, uh, the Netherlands and baseball soup? There is a GMC commercial and I've watched baseball for years. There's a GMC commercial that says,

uh, uh, a pitcher who can paint the corners is known as a Rembrandt. Oh, Jesus. And I have never heard that terminology. Nor have I. That's insane.

Pitchers can paint the corners. What does that mean, paint the corners? Oh, you can just pick out the very edge of the plate, throw strikes that are unhittable. Yeah, I guess. But that's a good enough term. But was Rembrandt known for really putting some heavy colors on the edges of his canvas? Or he just used more paint

than any other artist? I don't know. There was some Dutch people in the middle, but the corners of those paintings, my God. Because there are right to the edge these days.

Yeah, some Dutch kids in the center. Dozens of famous painters that you could have chosen, and why him? Well, he painted himself a lot. A lot of self-portraits. Yeah.

You put on a costume and it was, oh, I'm a king. That's what I look like. But he was humble so he wouldn't work on the middle. He'd work on just the corners because he wouldn't want

to paint his face too much. He'd just really show you the edges of the room he was in. Sometimes he would just paint the corners. We call those frames. We put other paintings in the middle of those.

Anyways, yeah. So then, you know, the comedy festival was like a lot of fun. And like I say, always the first night, everything that worked the first night for my hour long show didn't work the second night. But everything that didn't work the first night worked the second night so whatever yeah it's all it's all dutch to me man yeah and also like i uh one of the comedians had been there before so he knew like a couple things like we gotta eat this thing and we gotta go to this place and And you're like, I'm allergic. Yeah. I had a thing called a croquette. Okay.

Which is like, it's just literally like, you can get them with meat or without, but it's just like a deep fried, like a breaded deep fried cheese. Oh. Yeah. And it comes in like a hot dog bun. I've heard the word, but I've never.

Whereas croquet is more of a lawn sport. Yes. Yes. You're thinking of the, yeah. I'm thinking of the deep fried lawn sport. You're thinking of the... I'm thinking of the deep front lawn sport. You're thinking of the gentleman's pursuit. Yeah. I'm thinking of the deep front balance.

And we went to one of their famous marijuana dispensaries. Oh. But after now living in Vancouver, there's nothing neat about that anymore. Did they have a red light district there? They might have. I didn't go. They had that. Nightly police concerts.

Oh, cool. I went to Amsterdam in high school. Ribbit-based. Not ribbit-based. Model UN-based. Another nerdy pursuit of my high school career. Did you really go to the Hague, though? We did. I actually saw that.

I discovered this. I remember this the other day talking to, like, when I was playing the Sunday service and we were chatting, and I remember that I was at the Milosevic trial. Oh! What? Which I blocked out. Slobodan Milosevic? Yeah, it was crazy.

That's crazy. That is really. What country were you in, model UN? I think we were not cool enough to get a country, so we were just, we were Amnesty International. Which is like, that's the bone they throw you before you get a full country. Yeah, yeah. Excuse me, sir, you got five minutes? They just give you an NGO, you don't get a vote.

You're UNICEF. Put a box around your neck. Good luck, asshole. boat you're unicef here's put a box around your neck good luck but i remember in amsterdam going to like a cafe and not understanding that like weed is legal and you can just ask about it but it's not everywhere so just being with my friend like in high school being like we'll have brownies please and be like just doing like a bunch of eyes and being so excited and then just eating a bunch of regular cake and then just getting sick there was no way

no way to say a large piece of chocolate cake um yeah the the uh dispensaries

they're real real uh kind of soup nazi style like if you don't know your business they do not cater to out of towners like you have't know your business, they do not cater to out-of-towners. Like, you have to know what you want and move over and have the money ready.

Yeah, so that was weird. Because I thought it would be a lot mellower. Yeah. You would think so. What are you into? You want more of a floopy high? Yeah. Or do you want something gangly?

Oh, yeah. Give me something gangly. When I get floopy, I get paranoid. I want something gangly? Oh, yeah. Give me something gangly. When I get floopy, I get paranoid. I need something gangly. But one of the other great things was I went to a hot dog stand. Oh, it's a croquette. This guy's whole thing was it was like American style hot dogs. But it was so great to see what through the lens of a European, what an American style hot dog was.

Because their interpretation was a hot dog in a bun wrapped in bacon and then fried. That's what we do. Like the bun and the hot dog were all wrapped in bacon and then fried. That's what we do. Like the bun and the hot dog were all wrapped in bacon. Is this satire? Are you saying? Yeah.

Is this an installation? And I asked him did Crystal make this? Is Banksy here? Is he drawing it behind me? But it was just so like, I was just like, oh, this is what you think. This is what you think it is. That is so funny.

Like you didn't even bother to Google it. You're like, what could it be? Yeah. I'm talking about unwrapped and bacon. But you didn't have it. Fried. I did not have it. You're a vegetarian on every continent.

On every continent. So I had a vegetarian croquette. Vegetarian croquet. Yeah, I played vegetarian croquet. Sure. Yeah, we played with an onion instead of a regular bowl. Made of meat. Yeah, and we used celery stalks instead of mallets, et cetera.

So no sticks that hurt. Yeah. And yeah, it was a fun trip. You know, I don't feel like I learned anything. Something might have crept in. Well, you learned that in baseball, a pitcher who can paint the corners is known as a Rembrandt. Yeah, yeah, that's true. And in painting.

I had to go all the way to Holland to learn that. See, I would be able to do the reverse joke if I knew any pitcher's names. Nolan Ryan. Damn it. Should have just gone for the Nolan Ryan joke. In painting, a painter who could paint the corner is the Nolan Ryan.

Yeah, exactly. Or a painter who throws a painting really far is Nolan. Nolan Ryan. Oh, guys. Do you want to move on to a little bit of Jumbotron advertising? Absolutely, we do. We got a little Jumbo. Start over.

What? No. This week, we got a Jumbotron message. All day, start over. Never start over. This week, the message, oh, it's a message for Gretchen. From Robert. And what does Robert have to say?

Happy anniversary, October 31st, my beautiful wife and future mother. Wait a minute, not his future mother. Of our child. Oh, there we go. He filled it in parentheses. Oh, yeah, I skipped over that. Love, Robert. This isn't just like a like message to your wife and future mother.

Yeah, like I'm feeling feelings. Real feelings. Yeah. And October 31st, spooky wedding. Mm-hmm. Do you think at any point during the evening, do you think that their song that they danced to? Was the Monster Mash? Oh god

I was just gonna say it and I was hoping it's so hard Yeah Do you think it was so hard in the ceremony to not make like ghost puns

like or like Yeah How do you MC that wedding with a straight face? Sure Or she walked up the aisle to like a Halloween

sound effect CD Oh If anyone here Or Ghostbusters oh yeah walking up the aisle to Ghostbusters I ain't afraid

of commitment if you would like your Jumbotron message a personal message or a corporate message on our show head over to

MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Graham, overheard? You bet. I know we said that we're going to move on to overheards, but we're not, because we just got this message in. This is hot off the presses. This is a birthday message for Henry.

Did you know that this is a message from Alisa? Yeah, I did know that. Did you know that Henry is a wonderful, kind, funny, handsome, and sensual lover? Ooh. What do you think he uses? Oils? Yeah, probably oils or creams. Oh, yeah.

Or like a... A salve? Yeah, just something spreadable. A schmear? These are other things you can do as a sensual lover. And he's turning 29 on Sunday. Henry has been my one true love this is just me talking uh and world's best friend for over a decade and i think he's cool as heck um and this is a message

for graham and dave which is us and this is me talking yeah uh would it be possible to sing henry a birthday song it would make him well then we don't know We ran out of characters It would make him angry Okay Okay Henry Hey Henry it's your birthday And we love you very much Yes we do

Yes we do Henry you've got All of the things That we want So we're gonna Break into your house And steal all of Your possessions

Henry You are My one true obsession Happy birthday to you, Henry. Happy birthday, motherfucker. Henry, Henry, go to hell. Henry, Henry, it's your final birthday ever.

Remix. Henry, Henry, Henry. Henry, Henry, Henry. Henry, Henry, Henry. Henry, Henry, Henry. Henry, Henry, Henry. Henry, Henry, Henry. Henry, Henry, Henry.

Now I feel bad for the last Overheard. Or last Jumbotron. Do you want to move on to Overheard? I do, I do. I listen to Bullseye because it gives me all the information on things that I know I want to know about, but it also gives me inside information on things that I didn't even know I wanted to know about, but it also gives me inside information on things that I didn't even know I wanted to know about, such as music, arts, movies, people I should be connected with, people that I end up connecting with thanks to Bullseye. Bullseye is your guide to what's good, from MaximumFun.org and NPR.

Hey folks, this is Kevin Allison. If you love Maximum Fun Podcast, but you don't yet know about Risk, you don't know what you're missing. Check us out. Risk is the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share in public. So it's kind of like This American Life or The Moth, but way, way more uncensored.

On Risk, we say nothing is inappropriate until something is. Every episode is an emotional rollercoaster. Hilarious stories, shocking stories, horrifying stories, heartbreaking stories, tear-jerking stories. Risk is just jam-packed with stories you'll never forget. Many from people you already know and love. So find us at iTunes or at risk-show.com or of course

at MaximumFun.org Risk! Overheard! Overheards! A segment in which we hear things and then we talk about them. And we here on the podcast always like to start with the guest. Do you accept this responsibility? Did we warn you about this?

Yes. Yes. No, I remember this from last time. Okay. Oh, there's a lot of embarrassing layers to this before I get to another person's embarrassing statement. All right. But on Wednesday, as a baseball fan, as I think we've established, I wanted to watch the NL wildcard game, but instead went to see Kinky Boots with my mom. Oh, fun.

In Toronto. Yeah, which she bought tickets for for my birthday with no request from me. Didn't ask for that. But that's a fun mother-daughter date. It was not very good. Oh, is it not very good? Well, no, because what we learned is don't go see a musical that Harvey Fierstein

is involved in. God, I hope he's not listening. He's a big fan of the show. We went to see him, like, years ago, we went to see, because we've seen Fiddler on the Roof too many times, and we went to see it was supposed to be Topol, and Topol had a heart attack, so it was Harvey Fierstein. And he to see, because we've seen Fiddler on the Roof too many times, and we went to see, it was supposed to be Topol, and Topol had a heart attack, so it was Harvey Fierstein. And he was brutal because he sings like he speaks,

and you don't want that for 13 numbers. And he wrote the book for Kinky Boots, which I think most people know the story of Kinky Boots. I won't explain it, but we're sitting there, and I just heard these two, basically a a guy has like an uptight like shoe factory in England wait a minute

was the is the music the book is by Harvey Fierstein music by Cyndi Lauper okay uptight shoe factory

go ahead uptight shoe factory can't sell shoes to men anymore not straight men, anyway. And then meets a very hip drag queen in London and transforms his shoe factory into a place that makes sturdy high heels for men. That's the premise.

Very charming. Yeah. But there was just this kind of rough older couple behind us that you could just tell didn't know what the music was about just goes to see things in the theater and I just heard one of them like they were looking at the program during intermission and I just heard one of them say to the other one

and I think this Harvey Fierstein is a gay it made me laugh so hard how do those uptight shoes fit? A little tight. A little snug. How did he know about all this material? Oh, they're letting gays in the theater now.

Yeah. I was like, where are you guys coming from? Have you not seen Mrs. Doubtfire? He was the makeup guy. Yeah, we meant to buy season's tickets for baseball, but we screwed up on the website, and so we have theaters. But they weren't even upset. They were excited. Oh, a gay.

They were excited that there was a gay about, but they didn't really know how to process the information. Jeffrey's a gay. Dave, do you have an overrun? For some reason Just the word Jeffrey Reminded me of

Something I wanted To talk about But this isn't My Overheard But I was just Watching The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air

I knew this was Coming after you Said Jeffrey And it was the Episode where Will gets married Oh yeah Oh there's a

Wedding I don't Think he actually Ends up getting Married And everyone is Wearing very 90s tuxedos. Yeah. Oh, like a collar with no tie?

Exactly. And the jacket's too long. And like a very flashy vest or waistcoat. Yep. And then everyone in the audience or in the congregation at the church is wearing suits and tuxedos and dresses. And Jeffrey's just wearing his regular around the house uniform. Yeah, because in the costume department, they're like, oh, you're going to redress? He's already wearing a suit.

Do we really have to think this through? What about Jeffrey? No, no, no. We're just trying to keep up with Will Smith's hat demands. We can't deal with this whole other Jeffrey outfit. But my overheard, well, it's weird. Okay. It's not really an overheard.

Okay. It's an overseen kind of. It was just the weirdest thing. So the other day,by was nursing our baby margo and i was sitting on the couch and uh i got up to do something and i left the room and i couldn't remember what it was and i came back into the room and i said was there a reason i got up and it just sometimes when you talk the baby stops nursing and so i said was there a reason I got up and it just sometimes when you talk the baby stops nursing and so I said

was there a reason I got up and she stopped nursing and looked over at me and I swear to God made a fist and did the jack off motion

five or six times and Abby and I both saw it happen and we both lost our minds laughing that made me I'm so sorry that made me remember

my much better more recent Vancouver based overheard That made me, I'm so sorry. That made me remember my much better, more recent Vancouver-based overheard. Okay. It's quicker. I'm so sorry. Take your time. Don't just stop your apologizing. This is all, it's all part of a rich tapestry. I was worried about those Toronto Theatre homophobes, which is an oxymoron all its own.

But we had brunch at Caitlin Howden's house the other day. I hope I'm not, I don't think I'm outing Abbott Rowe here. But so Ian Rowe and Sherry Rowe came over, and their beautiful boy Abbott, who's about four, who's very into the Power Rangers right now. Okay. And I think the white Power Ranger was his favorite, but I didn't know this at the time.

That sounds bad. Oh, yeah. The white Power Ranger. It's going exactly where you think it is. But also, like, the Rowe's were the the first to arrive and Abbott arrived before them. And he didn't stop to say hi to me. He just ran into the apartment alone with no adults. Ran.

I was hungover and it was my birthday. So I was already like out of it. And all just this four year old boy I haven't seen since he was one at Caitlin's wedding. Ran in. Ran out onto the balcony and just shouted, White Power! And it was. Oh, man. And then a brunch began. Ranger.

Remember, remember when White Power was innocent? Yeah, remember it was just cool? Yeah. Oh, man. It's so funny. And rainbows used to just be rainbows, man. Yeah, everyone was just cool. Yeah. Oh, man. It's so funny. And rainbows used to just be rainbows,

man. Yeah. Things have changed. It's a different world. But Margo Kinky Boots used to just be regular boots

at that uptight shoe factory. Sounds like a great birthday. You got to see Kinky Boots because you hear about white power.

Yeah. Margo jagged off at some point in that period, I think. Well, she made the motion. She made the motion, sorry. I made it too gross. Beat it, Poindexter.

Yeah, like, get out of here. Well, I was like, I can't remember why I got up. To jack off. Yeah, to jerk off. Dad. Stop nursing to let you know what a loser you are. Oh, I got a great zinger line up. You're sitting on that one.

What's your overheard? My overheard was... My pet. It was something that happened directly to me, but was at the American-style

hot dog bacon wrap stand. So I went up because I was starving at one point. I was just like, there were no late night things and that was just there. So I just like on the off chance that they might have a veggie dog

that I could have. Wrapped in bacon and deep fried. Or a bun. And so I said to the guy, I was like, do you guys have like veggie dogs? And he just stared at me. And then I was like, oh, he might not speak English. But his daughter was behind wrapping hot dogs and he just stared at me and then i was like oh he might not speak english but his daughter was behind wrapping hot dogs and bacon how old was his daughter uh like 25 like he was quite like an older guy and uh she spoke and so is like veggie dog and she relayed

to him veggie dog instead of just answering the question relayed to him, Veggie dog, instead of just answering the question, relayed to him, Veggie dog, and then he just laughed at me. He just went, ah! And then I just stood there like, uh... Is that a no?

Yeah. I'm not sure that you... Yeah, that's the answer. And then I just stood there and then just slowly walked away until I was like in a dark enough spot that he couldn't see me anymore.

There's no father-daughter punchline here. Inside joke I'm missing out on. You just think my life is embarrassing. But she spoke English. She could have said no we don't. No I won't embarrass you. Let me pass it along to my dad who likes laughing at strangers.

American style laugh. Now, we also have overheards that have been sent in by listeners. Uptight shoe factory. We make shoes the traditional way for the traditional foot. Yeah. That is literally the premise of the musical. That's the first song. I'll never do anything gay.

I could write a musical. No, but I think the first, because it was not a good musical. I think the first line is like, there's nothing better in the world than a well-made shoe. Like, it might as well have been. Yeah, that sounds authentic. It was rough. It was rough.

It's weird that Cyndi Lauper wrote that. The score was great. Harvey Fierstein doesn't understand rhymes. There was points where I was correcting his rhymes

during the musical. At one point, the, like, main character who's, who's this beautiful drag queen. We want a man of... Sorry. Let me get it. We want a man's shoe. We don't want a can of stew.

There you go. Because the Upside Stew Factory is across the street. Go on, you were saying? I remember there having this heartfelt song connecting this very straight-laced guy who runs a shoe factory and this beautiful drag queen from London and they're hooking up.

Not hooking, they're not hooking up. Oh God, it's not that gay, calm down. But they're friends and they're going to make shoes and they're talking about how they both had abusive dads and then the drag queen character is singing and I think, or the line was like, I'm not my father's son. I'm not what he dreamed of. And I'm like, no, you're not what he dreamed you'd become. That's the rhyme.

That's the rhyme, Harvey Fierstein. I'm not my father's son. I'm not what he dreamed I'd become. I'm not what he dreamed of. That's a bad rhyme. Close enough. Well, it's not a rhyme. Some would argue.

It made me furious. If you have enough style, it can make anything a rhyme. He did not. If you have enough style, you can make anything a rhyme. Let's hear more. Now, we also have overheards that are sent in by listeners.

If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one, what are you laughing at? Everything. It comes from Adam from New Hampshire. This is a road sign, you know, orange uh diamond sign one of the classics yeah that originally said rough road ahead uh someone took no it says white power it says white power for everyone uh ranger so someone took a sign they made their own cardboard sign and put over the word rough crappy

and spelled it C-R-A-P-Y Crappy Crappy Road Ahead Crappy So there you go stick it to the man I don't know what you were doing with that sign You gotta stick it to someone

Yeah that's true. It's his grandfather's road. They all call the grandfather crappy. Oh, yeah. That was the family name for the grandpa. Oh, yeah. What were yours? Grandpa and grandma. And what were the other grandpa?

He was dead. Okay. Grandpa and dead grandpa. It was grandpa and then granny was. And you? I had grandpa and grandma and I guess like boobie and poppy. Oh, yeah. We had Ziki and Fufa.

Okay, they're just making it up. And Roop Roop and Hoppetitoo. No. Zero, that was the first thing. The last one is a race from Star Trek. What was the last one? We had Delusion. No, yeah, we had Grandma and Grandpa.

I had the Romulans. We had Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa. And then a name. That's how you kept them separate. The problem was both my grandmothers were named Betty. And my grandfathers were named Leo and Louis. Oh, so yeah. Those are great grandparent names.

Oh, yeah. Leo and Betty and Louis and Betty. Oh, man. That is great. And only one of them was a Romulan. But I won't tell which. This next one comes from Benjamin in Brooklyn. Is Benjamin H?

Yeah, Benjamin H. Or Franklin. I was walking in Brooklyn. Is Benjamin H or Benjamin Franklin? Because it can only be one of the two. brooklyn franklin and this benjamin h or benjamin franklin because it can only be one of the two um i was walking uh and a bunch of high school kids were standing on all four corners of an intersection at the corner of a public park oh that should be illegal you're totally uh no we're not going to the park today kids uh one kid yelled at the top of his lungs across the street

to the kid's kitty corner to him. What time is football practice? To which the equally loud reply came, four-fifth fucking teen. Teens know how to, they know how to swear.

If you want to know what the cool swears are, hang out with a teen for one hour. I love that they know how to swear, but they also know how to get to If you want to know what the cool swears are, hang out with a teen for one hour. I love that they know how to swear, but they also know how to get to their extracurriculars on time. Responsible teens. Because you would, us oldsters would say 4 fucking 15. Or fucking 4 15.

Quarter after fucking 4. Yeah. Or look at your Google calendar, Dave. Fuck. We're millennials. But this is like some like, you see, really squeezing it in between syllables. There's certain words like unbelievable has plenty of

places to put it. Oh, yeah. Putting fucking in unbelievable is like a joy. It's one of life's simple joys. Unbelieve fuckable. Unbelieve fuckys. Unbelieve-fuck-ble. Unbelieve-fuck-ble. Unbelieve-able fuck-a-ly. I'm working on it.

This last one comes from Josh S. Hi. From Pittsburgh. Josh S. or Josh Franklin? Yeah, Josh Franklin. Oh, he invented the bifocals. This is from a dinner conversation between me and my four-year-old son, Max. Oh, I can't wait.

Me, I'll be right back. I got to use the bathroom. Max, okay. And then he whispers, and when you come back, we can talk about blood. Oh. back, we can talk about blood. That kid's having a Ghostbusters theme wedding for sure. You promised we could talk about blood.

Oh, man. I love when kids are creepy. There's nothing fun here. I've been waiting all day. Take your time in there. Yeah. Think about everything you know about blood. What would a four-year-old ask?

Oh, everything. Why do we have blood? I don't know how to answer that. Because it carries around all your stuff. All your cells. All your other goos. All your other goos. All your other goos. Yeah.

Oh, it circulates. Yeah, it circulates. And it takes nutrients from point A to point B. And then fights disease. It tastes like a penny. It tastes like a penny, yeah. It's hard to get out of a shirt.

If you get it in any kind of white, it's basically throwing that away. That's the first thing kids want to know. What am I going to use? An OxyClean here? What are my options? You want to do a bleach. You want to try and get it out right as much as you can.

Do we have one of those tied to goes? Oh, man. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. Is this a remix? It's chopped and screwed. We're getting spooky. If you would like to call us with your overheard,

our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hi, this is Kate calling from Santa Rosa, California. I just heard an overheard at Cafe Trieste in San Francisco. This old, rad, bohemian woman was sitting at a table talking to her friends and said something about how you can't feed a grape to a cat because they'll die and she said and she said i said what about a hep cat and they didn't even crack a smile. Oh, beat. So, was this people that she knew?

No. So she just popped in? Yeah. Thought she'd do a zinger? Yeah. What about a hip cat? Oh, no, I think the two people were talking. Okay, yeah.

But just got nothing. Yeah. Oh, man. That's the worst. When you think you really got something. But none of them maybe shouldn't even mean it as a joke. That's what I'm getting from this, that it was just like, we're somber beatniks. Oh, yeah, yeah. We can make jokes that don't get laughs, and we're fine with it.

That's part of who we are. Also, why can't cats eat grapes? I don't think dogs can either. Really? Well, the skin is very bad. It's not very hard to digest. Right. My cat can't eat anything

because her mouth is too small and stupid. What an idiot. Yeah. Is this a long-time cat? What's the biggest thing you tried to cram in that cat's mouth? You don't want to know. No, I have to buy her special food because she's got like a smush face

and then also one bum eye, but that's not why. I have to feed her. That has nothing to do with her mouth, but I have to feed her special food for like Persians so her like stupid mouth can get around it because she can't eat regular cat kibble.

She's an idiot. For Persian cats, not just for Persians. Well, she is not. It's for Persian people. Oh, okay. But she's not a Persian cat. You know, Persian people have smaller mouths.

Oh, is that right? You were all over him about... Oh, no, that was you all over her about the Japanese thing. That's why they lost the wars. Oh, they lost the Persian wars? The Persian mouth wars? Because they couldn't get... The Persian kissing wars?

No, they couldn't get enough protein to fight off the, whatever, the 300 soldiers that showed up. That was against Persia. I know that much about that conflict. I only know that there was a bottomless pit. There was a bottomless pit. The Spartans fought against the Persians. Did they identify what this was? Did they ever mention where they were?

Sparta. Oh, they said this is Sparta? Yeah, well... Didn't they? Yeah. Did any sexy teens have sort of rubbed older, warted men? What?

Oh, yes. In response to your query, the answer is yes. I was just making sure that it was the same movie directed by a 13-year-old boy than I thought it was. Hollywood's first film directed by a 13-year-old boy. They all had six-packs of that movie, right? They should have called it the 1800 Abs.

Yeah. Great. Here's your next phone call. Hey, guys. This is Ed in Atlanta. I'm calling with an overheard. I'm driving to work and I happen to have

my window down. Pull up to a red light and the guy next to me happens to have his window down. And I hear the following come out of his window.

So, there are people just throwing shit into our yard? That's weird, right? I mean, we're nice guys. We're charming. And then the light changed. We're charming, right? Why are people throwing garbage at us? Hmm.

Well, maybe we're not as charming. I don't know what that situation is. In my mind it's two college students mugging to their neighbors while they just get garbage thrown at them. Look how charming we are. Yeah, we're charming young dudes.

Why would people fill our yard? Why would you fill someone's yard with garbage? You'd get a pipe in the face. A lot of times I feel like... Not if you're charming. Charming, you just let it happen. That's true. It's true.

That's what they say. You wouldn't hit a charming guy in the face with a pipe. If he was wearing glasses. Yeah, yeah. Some sort of charming ensemble. I, uh... We just get... People just keep throwing garbage in our garbage

area. The neighborhood just uses our garbage area as their garbage area. What is your garbage area? Where we keep our cans. Oh, I was always told not to let a stranger touch my garbage area. That's because you wore a garbage bathing suit. Here's your

final overheard of 2015. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guest. This is Cody Here's your final overheard of 2050. Step to two. Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Cody from Fargo. I'm calling in an overseen. Today I was driving home, and I passed one of those electronic billboards, and featured on it were three very homely-looking children,

and all the billboard said in big white letters was, Ugly Kids. not sure what they were advertising but it's pretty great pro or kids i think that's my first question if you have like five thousand dollars or whatever you can just throw up whatever message you want and what did those kids think they were like what did the parents of those like model kids think they were going out did the parents of those like model kids think they were going out for when they responded to that and got paid to take a photograph surely on an ugly kid's billboard surely they were convinced it was for some kind of cereal or a lot of stock photos don't even tell you what what it is yeah our uh our all of our mutual friend Kevin Lee once appeared in several stock photos of him bursting through a wall holding pizza. They are some of my favorite photos on the internet.

You can absolutely buy that from the stock photo company, make a billboard and write ugly dude that just says idiot on the top. Maybe I'll do that for his birthday. Or just says Toronto center fielder number 11, Kevin Pillar because they look the same. Oh really? Oh my god. Well that's got to play well.

So if Kevin Lee were to go to Toronto, he'd be able to skip the lines at the clubs? Stuff like that? Look it up. All right. I didn't mean to silence the fun. No, no.

I thought you guys already knew. No, no, no. We only know him from his pizza stock photo days. Oh, the pizza stock photo is wonderful. Yeah, and there's more than one. That's the great thing. There's a whole session. Back when Kevin Lee used to be zany.

You guys remember his zany period? Sort of like Picasso's blue period, but it was just when Kevin Lee was zany. This is real inside. Yeah, but still fun. Nobody knows Kevin Lee's periods. But he should know his own. When they happen, what time of the month, no one knows.

Exactly. Now, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Oh, my. Now, this is going to come out on the 20, I want to say 6th. 26th. So, do you have anything that I want to say 6th? 26th. So do you have anything that you want to plug that's coming up in that last week of October? Ooh. Spooky.

Spookiness. Sweet spookiness. I want to plug Wiccans and sort of the Halloween energy. Get your Ouija boards out. Energy. Sort of like try to dress as something you never have before. You know what I mean? Do you do Halloween?

Um, I try. Yeah. Last year, Kyle Dooley and I were going to go as Hall and Oates, but then he got stuck at Second City. And then I just had a t-shirt on that said, Just Oates. That's pretty good. Um, I haven't thought about my costume this year. With oats? No, just oats. That's pretty good. I haven't thought about my costume this year, but I assume by the time you've heard this, I've put a lot of thought into it, and I'm already nailing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be great. Dave, you're going to have to participate in Halloween one of these years. Yeah, but not this year. Not this year. We've got a wedding on the night of the All Spooks Eve. All Spooks, is it Ghostbusters themed? No, it is no costume, please. So why would you have it on Halloween then if you were kind of, if you're going to then Grinch it?

I think it's just, I think you maybe get a free. Dave Schoenberg, a Halloween Grinch. Pronounce my name. Yes. I'm having in the middle. There was a remix that was auto tuned in the middle. I don't know. I look, I'm I'm thrilled that it's just just nice.

Anyway, it's odd to me that somebody picked that. It would be like if it was on the 25th and you're like, no Santa stuff, guys. The 25th of... Any month. Of Shemka. Of Shemka. Let me just say the wheels are falling off.

We gotta get these plugs in before we hurl into the sun. Hurdle? Before we before we before we before we

vomit into the sun. Okay. You were so judgy before. So you're at Ebony Rose yeah on Twitter okay

alright do you have anything you would like to direct people towards I can't remember I'm sure just go to the internet I'm sure I'm around

yeah go bad mouth wait no that was off air and yeah everybody have a safe and spooky Halloween

and if you like the show head over to MaximumFun.org check out the blog recap pictures and videos relating to the content of this episode I'll try to put a side by side photo of Kevin Lee and Kevin Pillar.

You must. It already exists on Twitter. I'll absolutely put that Rembrandt commercial. Yes, please. Please. You know, some sort of picture of softball. Some sort of... Sure.

I don't know that we talked about any famous softballers. Certainly Angels in the Outfield or the Rookie. Rookie of the Year. Rookie of the Year. And yeah, if you like the show,

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