Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 398 - Charlie Demers

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

Comedian and author Charlie Demers returns to talk phone booths, Calgary, and window seats.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 398 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's, we're counting down the weeks to the 400th episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself, which will be celebrated by an art show at Hot Art Wet City, the week of the 400th episode, Mr. Dave Shumka. This is all news to me. No, well, I'm telling you right now.

Hot off the press. I'm counting down the weeks. Two weeks. Yeah. Two weeks. 14 more sleeps. Oh, God. Well, I mean, if you nap, too.

Yeah, that's true. Do you count that amongst sleeps? Yeah. Like, especially when it's a big day, like when Christmas Day is coming, I sleep almost the whole 24th away. So that's like three, four sleeps. Anytime you close your eyes, even for 20 minutes, that's a sleep. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah.

Which I don't do. I do it every chance I get. You're a heavy blinker. And our guest today, a comedian, a writer, whose third book is out now. It's called The Horrors, and it's great. And he's here. He's one of the all-time fave guests of Stop Podcasting Yourself, Mr. Charlie Demers. Hello, boys. Thank you very much for having me.

Thank you for coming back. And it's Charles Demers on the book. Yeah, boys. Thank you very much for having me. Thank you for coming back. And it's Charles Demers on the book. Yeah, yeah. When we're talking about the book, if you could. Formal it up. And then once we go start talking about sports, just Chuck or Chip. Chip? Is Chip short for Charlie?

I don't know. I think you remember there used to be more books that had names in them, like before the internet. Oh, yeah, like baby name books. Or even just a book that had names and all their meanings and stuff like that. Right, yeah. And then it would sometimes give a list of nicknames. Yeah. And Charles has a lot of derivatives.

So there's like Chip, Chuck, Chaz. Chet. Chet. Chuffpo. Chuffpo is the big one. Chonk. Yeah. So I was Chonk through most of elementary school.

And then, yeah, unfortunately, my middle name is If You're Horny. Unfortunate. Unfortunate. Should we get to Noah? Sure. That's weird. I've never thought of where Chip came from, because nobody would name their kid. I was going to go the other direction of,

hey, if your car alarm's going off, does it mean you're horny every two seconds? Well, yeah. I mean... What? Because you know, honk if you're horny. Oh, yeah, honk if you're horny, yeah. Oh, did you think Dave was just asking in general?

Yeah. Wait, I thought we were going to talk about this for no reason. I actually had a moment, like, you know, like the other night I was reading something and I was like, well, I don't remember the character going through that. And I'm flipping through to see if I had missed, like, I had that moment, but just conversationally. Were we talking about car alarms and sex? Yeah. People still, car alarms, I guess they come built into cars now.

Yeah. But they're just the honk, honk. They're not the oop, eh, eh. Yeah. They got rid of those, right? Well, I think you can get them aftermarket. Yeah. They do the cycle of four.

They do a brown jug, a little brown jug. They do Pogos the Weasel. I have an ice cream truck for my car alarm. There's like 15 kids breaking into that car. They're waiting really patiently. Do you think that car alarms ever stopped the theft of a car? The first one, I think, did. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe thefts are out. Do you think that car alarms ever stopped the theft of a car? Because usually when I hear one. The first one I think did.

Yeah. Maybe. Maybe thefts are out of commerce. Maybe after the first honk, people are like, we're over it. Turn it off. But not thefts from cars. Like, definitely. Get in and get out.

Yeah. That's how I do it. But there must be like a professional car thief must know how to disarm a car alarm, right? Have you seen the documentary Gone in 60 Seconds? That was what I was thinking of in my head. That's really the only thing I know about stealing a car. Oh, well, that you use a long silver thing to get in. Yep.

There's a name. Slim Jim? A Slim Jim. You snap into the car. Is it a Slim Jim? Yeah, it is. It's called Slim Jim. Yeah. And then you cross the red and black wires. a slim jim you snap into the car is it a slim jim yeah it is it's called slim jim yeah and then

then you cross the red and black wires to get the car going and problem solved yeah and you just do that every time

and the red and black wires are just hanging out usually no no usually you have to go under you gotta go under the steering wheel they're hanging down there

oh they have to remember the mnemonic device. In and under and across the wires. That's the way we spin the tires. Move the tires. Yeah, good one. Pretty good. Yeah, so that's, I don't know.

That's from movies. Was Gone in 60 Seconds, was that at a time when car theft was particularly hot? I don't know. Like, remember in the 90s kids would steal hats and shoes and i don't feel like that happens anymore like it was like a big time for jumping kids for their hat oh yeah or a really nice like a sports jacket yeah sports like a yeah like a Like a tweed. Like 15-year-old gangsters wearing blazers. Yeah, like a 15-year-old field reporter. You mean like a starter jacket.

Like the satin team jacket. Yeah, yeah. Or just any satin. Did you hear of this ever happening? Or if it was just like a... No, it was always happening. It was just news reports of like, oh, if you wear the wrong colors in this neighborhood you'll and that always felt more like apocryphal that was like a kind of urban

legend there was a payphone at the at the movie theater where i grew up and and you like it was like if you were a kid don't use that payphone because there's a gang they watch that payphone it's their turf and they would beat you up if you used it. What's the point of being in a game? But also, it was just understood that grown-ups would be allowed to use the phone. The laws didn't apply. They were like, you know, foreign

nationals. The grown-ups and the gang formed a treaty. Exactly. But I think, yeah, no, there was always... You can use our payphone if you look the other way on us stealing kids' shoes. But also, as a grown-up now, I don't think a gang would recognize me as a grown-up. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, if you had your baby. That's true. Yeah. Or if you had this little madman situation. Oh, yeah. Drink-wise. I have most of an old-fashioned here. I didn't have any syrup.

That's pretty grown-up. It's funny, though, that the weird things that kids will convince each other of, I don't know if they'll be able to do that now that they have Snopes. Exactly. Some kid will just be, that was my nickname in high school was snopes yeah because your raps always disproved widely held beliefs wesley snopes in fact there's never been razor blades in the candy on halloween eventually you get to a rhyme. Yeah, exactly. But kids nowadays can look up whatever they want. I remember a friend of mine telling me about,

I don't want to like bring down the level of the podcast. No, it's fine. Can I say the word come on the podcast? Yeah, sure, sure. So he goes, well, there's this thing. Let's all say it at the thing. On to a cracker just point to us

when it's our turn so he says well there's this thing like it's almost like it's this new thing like there's a thing that your body does and it's called cum and it comes out of your penis and it's purple and I said

well that doesn't sound right and he goes, it is. I've had it. And so clearly, like, I mean, he had a line on something real that, that was coming down the pike for us biologically,

but it felt like he had to up the level of authority that he liked. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but your penis is haunted. Yeah, you're thinking of poi. Excuse me. We believe the child will be half grimace. I remember that around that time, like, learning all the slang words for the different body parts that...

Like fings for fingers? Yeah. Well, cockney things for fingers? Yeah. Well, cockney rhyming slang. Yeah. But it... And just assuming that these were new words. Like, oh, these words just came along in the last six months. Oh, yeah, right.

When I found out what a vagina was. We just made up gonads. Oh, man. Gonads does have a real late 80s feel to it. Yeah. made up gonads. Oh, man. Gonads does have a real late 80s feel to it. Yeah, and it was funny. It was from the first time I heard it. Nads? Nards?

Nards is funny. But people don't say nards anymore, do they? No. They should, though. That really was just our time. That was our time. That was our time for nards. Yeah, that's when we really leaned in

Gonads is like fully medical too Yeah Yeah It's like what is it? It's a thing? I was about to say that's nuts And then I realized people would think I was trying to be clever I don't even

Gonads are they nuts? Are they the nuts? They're basically the nuts I think On men But women have gonads too, right? They do? Don't they? That's what Jay-Z's on set.

Brush his shoulder off. Yeah. Women have gonads too. Just let me ask. Siri, do you have gonads? I've never really thought about it. Wow, ditto. Fair enough.

We all did when we were kids. Yeah. You're lucky I didn't beat you up for using that phone. That's my gang's phone. Well, yeah. Gangs today would never. They can't have dominion over every cell phone. Yeah, that's one of the things.

You could be answering one of our drug calls. That's our of the things. Oh, he could be answering one of our drug calls. That's our payphone. There are no longer any payphone-themed gangs. You're absolutely correct. Nobody says nards. Nobody polices payphones. Except at the airport. There's a lot of payphones there.

There will be payphones at the airport, and they also have a little bench you can sit on. For business. I think in my entire pay phone life, I never used a sit-down pay phone. Always stand up. Is it a longer cord? No, it's just a little bench. It comes with a secretary, too.

She's very old and very tired. And she's owned by a cane. She's owned by a what? A gang. I thought you said a can. I thought you said a cane. All right. Well, good work, guys.

So what's going on with you now? What's shaking? You've got this book out. That's very exciting. Yeah, I've got this book out. That's very exciting. Yeah, I've got this book out. That's very exciting. It's for American listeners. It will be available in the United States of America in May. Yep.

Because, you know, this free trade agreement between our countries is fairly new. And how are we supposed to get goods and services across the border? They have to chop all the U's out of the words color. Humor. They have to make the book a little more racist. Oh, hey. We're plenty racist here.

Lots of racism everywhere. So anyway, yeah, the book just came out at the beginning of October. It's called The Horrors, and it's basically, it's a book of humorous essays. Yep. And I realize that by describing them as humorous essays, they sound unfunny. But it's funny essays about bad things. So the idea is that I tried to write a bad, I've tried to write a funny essay about a horrible subject for every letter of

the alphabet. Right. So it's like, A is adolescence. B is bombing. C is capitalism. D is depression. E is the end of the world.

You want me to do them all? No, no. I was only going to give exactly the number that I got through. P phone booth. Yeah. P, phone booth. Yeah. P for phone booth. G for gang, bracket, phone booth, close bracket.

G. Grape-colored semen. Grape-colored? Oh, well. Purple's the easier way to go. Grape-colored is the more literary. You already had P for whatever

he said phone booth phone booth he should have made that F so that we could have P for purple B for booth

comma phone owned by a gang S for semen slash grape colored in the phone booth gang phone when you were out of time, would one of the gang members come on and be like, put it in another corner.

Put it in another corner, bitch. I never had that happen, that you would need to put in more money. Was that just for long distance? Yeah, or if you were... Because a quarter would only get you X amount to put in more money. Was that just for long distance? Yeah, or if you were... Because a quarter would only get you X amount of time, I think. I guess I never really talked on a payphone for very long

because it was gross. And because it was usually in a place where there were creeps. I remember there being an urban legend about somebody sticking a needle in a in a phone booth. Face tag. Phoning you to tell you to find it.

But somebody put a needle in the thing, and they said never to answer a phone booth. Because this is all flooding back now. Never to answer a ringing phone in a phone booth. Because somebody put a needle in the receiver that had aids on it and then you would you put up to your ear and the voice coming through the phone would go congratulations now you have aids you can have a perfect urban legend day you wake up in the morning you walk past the payphone it rings you get aids you get in your car to drive to the hospital there's a car that doesn't have its lights on so you flash your high beams at it the gang gets out of the car beats you up

you get home after a long day everything's gone but your toothbrush and a camera you develop the film and then richard gear comes to your house pulls a gerbil out of his ass and throws it at your face oh what a day I had. Oh, good. So anyway, there's this book. And yeah, you can buy it in the United States in May. Or maybe you can buy it online. I don't know.

Yeah, if you're in the States, go to Amazon.ca and look up the horrors. Or just change your Netflix to Canadian Netflix. See if that changes anything. And enjoy the first season of Mr. D. And the book is available nationwide in Canada. And you had to go on like kind of a press junket. Yeah, well, I'm still kind of doing that. It's not a junket.

A junket is when the press comes to you. Oh, that's what a junket is. I thought just going around a press was a junket. It's when they sit, a movie starts down in front of a background. And then the reporters just walk through. Oh, wow. Oh, man. That's the way to do it.

I can't wait to get to junket level. Yeah, once you're America's Sweethearts. Yeah, both of them. No, because this is like, no, you go to the place. So I don't think I've done a ton yet. We did the event in Vancouver that you performed on. And then we did. That was great.

It was a lot of fun. I wouldn't go. Yeah, but it was great. But then I lied to you and said I didn't. But then, because I had Alicia buy a book for me there. Yeah. And then I saw that you had signed it and known I hadn't been there. So it blew up my head.

So yes, that was the first. And then I did an event in Whistler, just did the Lit Fest in Edmonton, which is the country's only nonfiction, like entirely nonfiction festival, which was a lot of fun. And then I go to Durham, Ontario at the beginning of fun. And then, um, I go to, uh, Durham, Ontario, uh, the beginning of November. And so we're going to do a launch in Toronto at the comedy bar on November 5th, uh, which has some amazing Steve Patterson from the debaters going to host.

And we've got Pat Thornton and Mark little and Ebony Rosen and Amanda Brooke Perrin and Arthur Simeon are all going to do sets. And then I'm going to read from the book. And, um, yeah, it's going to be great comedy bar. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be great. Comedy bar.

Yeah. And, um, and right now I think that's, and I'm doing the Vancouver writers festival this, uh, this week. And I heard you on, uh,

CBC radio being interviewed about the book. Yeah. Is it, is this going and doing these things? Cause I've never had to go and like promote a thing, a single thing to a bunch of different places. Is it good? Bad?

Well, I mean, it's interesting. Like it's one, you feel really churlish. If at any point you do kind of complain, is churlish. One of the derivatives of Charlie.

Well, no adding to that. Just let it be the thing that it was. Churlish. Churlish. Churlish if you're horny. Churlish if you're horny. No, in answer to your question, churlish is short for churlicious.

It's weird because there's only so many iterations of the same conversation that you can have. And yet we have it every week. 400 times boys here we go um and uh you know so you like one you're grateful that anybody's talking about the book or wants to talk to you about the book um and then it's weird because then you can like uh most of the people who are buying the book seem to be buying it in bookstores, but you do see the movement on like Amazon. Like, so like after you do a thing, if something broadcasts and then you go on Amazon,

you can see if the book has moved up in the ranking or sometimes it lists how many copies of the book they have. So you can see actually exactly how many books were sold. Have you been, is this like a thing that you'll be refreshing? It's a little bit much. Yeah. And it's, and it's not like I'm steering anyone to buy it from amazon because whenever possible i obviously want people to buy it from from bookstores um uh so i haven't even really been pushing that but it is it is kind of it's the closest thing to like a metric that you

can because it's very rare i mean it has happened to me before but it's very rare that you're like in a bookstore and you see someone come in and ask for your book and buy it. Well, if you hang out at the bookstore as much as I do, you see that all the time. Watching the payphone. Yeah. So it's, but yeah, this is, I've never, this is, like you said, this is the third book and i've never had anything like this intensive like yeah as a publicist who's like working on the uh working on the book and she's setting all this stuff up and and um it's it's very cool and and and it's also very like yeah exhausting yeah

is it the same same question over and over again why did you do this who do you think you are who do you think you are come on yeah exactly reading come on reading come on that's what they usually open with they go charles thank you now let me just start reading come on come on this is television yeah and then they bring us a video you made well no but one interview was at our old job space

oh yeah I went down to City TV to do the breakfast television interview and so I can make some eggs yeah

I can make some eggs well oh it's for omelette and so I think it's all about how I hate omelettes I guess, in that scenario.

Yeah, the horrible thing. But omelets in like the Joseph Stalin sense of if you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs. Did he coin that? Is that him? Oh, yeah. What? Are there any other famous quotes he had that we... Most of them.

Just do it. That was Stalin. Hang in there, baby. Stalin. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. That was Stalin. Hang in there, baby. Stalin. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. He was talking about shooting people. Stalin. It's not the size of the dog in a fight.

It's the size of a dog in a fight. Fighting the dog. Dog next door. No fear. Stalin. I mean, that was one of the... You can take the criminal out of the gulag But you can't take the gulag out of the criminal

A lot of people don't realize that all those No Fear t-shirts came out in the 90s Because the wall had fallen And now you could get Copyright access to it Fallen Stalin, there you go Yeah, you got it I forget what the original quote was

That he said, what was it. I forget what the original quote was that he said. What was it? Omelette, eggs, breaking. Yeah, you can't break an omelette. I think that's Stalin. You can't break an omelette without eating some eggs. Maybe I'm wrong. Now I'm thinking maybe I'm wrong.

Does anyone have access to Snopes? Yeah. MC Snopes, can you wrap us an explanation? International Stalin database. Wrap us in explanation? International Stalin database. Instead of buffering, it says Stalin. Ha ha! Anyway, so I didn't mean to bring it up, because it's quite possible that Stalin was referencing...

I'm gesturing at Dave trying to get part Ukrainian. Oh, right. According to Wiktionary. But these quotes, I had no idea that it was Wayne Gretzky who said that. It was attributed in the 18th century

to François de Charette a French royalist soldier Stalin stage name yeah hey

oh no what did Stalin say that I thought oh I can't google that what did Stalin say

well he said a lot of stuff yeah okay well I thought that was Stalin egg

did he write yeah oh he said a lot of stuff. Yeah. Okay. Well, I thought that was... Stalin egg quote. Did he write? Yeah. Oh, he said, get cracking. Oh, he called eggs incredible edible eggs. There's... Is it... Eggs and milk are the only two... Generic animal products that get advertised.

They just have their own advertisers, advertisers. Well, there's cotton. I mean, I guess that's not the same. Not animal. Still, though, I could eat some cotton right now. At one point.

Yeah, it was for dinner. It was for dinner. I don't know what this is. Is that beef? That was the hoedown that they played in the beef. It was a classical hoedown that was the hoedown that they played in the beef it was a

classical classical hoedown classical cheese is a generic food that gets advertised pork's the other

white meat yeah I guess there's quite a few of them but like who I guess it's just like a council yeah the board

yeah there's an egg council and a dairy council and like cause yeah but it's so funny that there's like cause like do do people forget

about eggs like if even eggs have to advertise then nobody can is ever exempt from advertising right because eggs are just there like you put them in whatever you put them in and and in everything yeah and like nobody is like oh yeah eggs like they see that ad and go yeah eggs catch the fever it's weird that like i know that mcdonald's still has to advertise and nike still has to advertise coca-cola yeah but it's weird that's like a staple thing needs still yeah what are people gonna oh i'm just gonna bind my meatballs together with uh glue yeah or some sort of caramel glue ads oh man caramel meatballs see necessity is the mother of invention let's get eggs out of the equation didn't stall and say that

yeah joseph stalling and the Mothers of Invention? But like, I don't know. It's just weird. Like, it doesn't feel like ads that would sway people, but I remember all the egg ads. How many of them? Well, over the years, there's been, Get Crackin' was one of them, and then Incredible Edible Egg. And now there's just these, like, nice commercials with a guy, like a farmer. You see all the chickens and then it just says eggs.

Well, I think a big part of it too, though, is like, for instance, right now with the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade agreement, like the TPP, you see a bunch of, so the dairy farmers in Canada are angry about it because basically it's going to let in a bunch of dairy products from around the world. So then they run ads that's all about pretending he's falling asleep. But they know they run ads about like that guy that it's a weird ad because it's like what a hellish life. But it just shows him like as a child to an old man, like basically never leaving this

farm. And I guess their idea was like, yeah, that's a good, but in a good way. Yeah. And so. We make him Amish-er. But, so they're like dairy farmers, Canadian dairy farmers, drink some milk. But what they're really doing is making you feel good about dairy farmers. So that the next week when dairy farmers are like, hey, as dairy farmers, we don't want you to sign this deal.

Right. We like them. You put down your milkshake with a Stalinist mustache and go, well, makes sense what he's saying. But like, yeah, because even like McDonald's will have an ad that says like, we use 100% Canadian eggs. Yeah. And you're like, I don't give a shit. We use 100% Canadian horse feet. That's weird.

That's weird. I didn't know horse head feet. Well, they do until we take them off, turn them into chicken nuggets. Where do you think the McRib comes from? It behooves us to tell you. Jesus. Do you remember when McDonald's rolled out that campaign where they're like, we'll answer your questions.

Oh, yeah. And then it was all questions like, how much shit's in the meat? People are like, no, no, no, no. No further questions. Ask us where our eggs come from. No, the questions were all basically hack stand-up comedy premises from the 1980s because it was like, ask us whatever you want.

Nobody from Red Deer goes, what part of the chicken does the McNuggets come from? And then they have to answer it seriously. I still don't know. It's just ground-up chicken from the whole thing, right? It's just leftover bits and bobs. They put don't know. It's just ground up chicken from the whole thing, right? Yeah, it's just leftover bits and bobs.

They put in a mold. Yeah. They're one of the four shapes. Chicken mold. Yeah. Oh, there's only four shapes of

McNuggets? Have you ever seen them in any? There's the one that shaped like a foot? There's the sort of potato shaped one? Yeah, there's kind of

a kidney deal. Yeah, I guess. I guess there's the sort of potato shaped one yeah there's yeah kind of a kidney yeah any deal yeah i guess i guess there's only so many oh i've never noticed that i didn't realize they weren't all exactly the same shape oh yes maybe no there's definitely at least two shapes yeah i guess because they're kind of overly right one's overly and one's kind of foot shaped one's overly one's a little churlish. Oval-y and churlish. Oval-y and churlish. I know you said you don't want me speaking in accents, but can I just for a second talk about oval-y and churlish? My two children.

I never... Who died. Yeah. Oh, oval-y was a beautiful little girl. Yeah. A little oval-y. A little Ovally. A little Oblong. Well, that's exciting, man.

Thank you. Congratulations. I'm proud to have you as a friend. Thank you very much. Thank you for being a friend. Because I bet you a lot of people... Travel down the road? I bet you a lot of people listening down the road. That's good.

I bet you a lot of people listening and just in general. I've never even read a book. Yeah, exactly. And you've written three. And now you can take a break. But I also haven't read any. I mean, I just, I put my pants on both legs at a time like everybody else. That's not unreasonable.

Yeah. If they're stretchy. Yeah. Or if you're sitting down. You just put them on and pull it and then stand up. Or if you're a Jetson. These are all possibilities.

But you know, I think a lot of people would think I'd like to write a book, but then they never do and then they die. This guy did it three times. They die? Well, eventually. Like one day.

Yeah. No, I mean, if you're wondering why isn't Charlie a better stand-up comedian or more successful in that aspect of his life. Nobody's wondering that. This is why, because I took a bit of time to write a book. No, yeah, it's really nice to have it out. I mean, it's like it's a tough thing because everything, you know, everything you do in comedy is like so immediate, the feedback. And this is like, you go, you write a thing, you wait and you wait and you wait. And so it's nice to just kind of have it out.

Your editor comes back and goes, it's all gibberish. There's no actual words in here. Well, I wanted to challenge myself. You were just typing, typing out a typewriter? Well, they say E is the most used letter, so I got rid of it. Off my keyboard. I just pulled it off the keyboard. Replaced it with another letter, with an X.

Yeah, and this is the best book that I could come up with. As Don said. Dave, what's going on with you man? Not a ton Since we last spoke I think I think our Calgary episode Will be out by the time this episode is out

So we went to Calgary We sure did That was fun We were in Alberta at the same time I think I was in Edmonton Does Calgary also have a Writers Fest at the same time, I think. Oh, you were in Edmonton. I was in Edmonton, yeah. Does Calgary also have a Writers' Fest at the same time as Edmonton? I think so, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or it's right before. That would have been a good... They should have booked you for that because you could have done comedy as well. Yeah. I mean... Fire your publicist. Oh, no. She...

Well, somebody's head's got to roll. Yeah. Stalin. Stalin. I, you know, Edmonton and Calgary, it always has to be rivalrous. They've got to have lit fests on the same weekend. Oh, but I definitely have a favorite of the two. Yeah?

Should we all say our favorites at the count of? Three. What's Alberta for three? Oh, beef. Okay. One, two, beef, Calgary. Purple cum. Edmonton. Purple cum. Edmonton is the city of champions.

What's Calgary the city of champions? In the city. City of champions. Heart of the New West. Cowtown. Yeah, or Cowtown. Those are both better names than city of champions. But Edmonton's changed its name to be Festival City. Yeah, or Cowtown. Those are both better names than City of Champions.

But Edmonton's changed its name to be Festival City. Because they haven't won anything in 25 years. That's pretty sad. When you have to, like... Well, yeah, and they had to, like... Maybe we should take down that sign. Maybe they've won a Grey Cup or two. We're no longer the biggest little city in America. So, yeah, I went to

Calgary, got white-hatted. Oh, congrats. Thank you. I think it was just I was in the right place at the right time. Take a little oath, and you're not allowed to roll your eyes all the time throughout. That's the problem with a lot of oaths. You're not allowed to roll your eyes all the time throughout. That's the problem with a lot of oaths.

You're not allowed to. Well, that's the one thing that the niqab does show is are you rolling your eyes? That's true. That's why the Supreme Court ruled that it was okay. Oh, they rule. Supreme Court rules. That would be such a great bumper sticker for a Supreme Court justice. What's your favorite Canadian Supreme Court justice?

Louise Arbour. Is she one of those? I only know. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Yeah. So yeah, and then once you get white-hatted,

it's very disrespectful to throw away your hat or to make stew in the hat those are two things you can't do so I had to come home and go through security with a hat like

you get this cowboy hat it's a big it's a big Stetson it's a big Stetson hat not the brand. There's cheap versions. Did you guys get like the nice fancy? Like remember Steve Patterson got white hatted by Nahid Nenshi at the debaters.

It was like a beautiful hat and you put it on and I took photos with it. Yeah, yeah. There's a photo of you wearing a toque and me wearing the cowboy hat. I'm not convinced mine's a good hat. But only I was white hat. Graham was left out in the cold. You were blackballed. Yeah.

Blackballed white hat. Stop podcasting yourself story. Well, that's a little churlish. What happened to that? I mean, speaking of things that are churlish. Yeah. I don't know. Somebody tried to convince me.

They were like, well, it's because you're from here. They don't do it. Because they made me an honorary Calgarian and you're an actual Calgarian. But I know for sure that they... But Levi McDougal said he got... Yeah, and also Pat Kelly and Peter Oldring got it. So they just left me out of it, which is... Fair enough. I know.

Can't get a rest in your hometown. Come it. I know, can't get a rest in your hometown. Come on. I know, right? But yeah, then you go to the airport with your white hat in the little laundry bag you get from the hotel. You get, you take. No, you get it. I'm not stealing it. I guess guess so i didn't do any laundry that's what it's for a day that's true um and then you go through security and someone looks at it and

they're like what the oh you oh they so they know what it is yeah and they're like wow they and there was a lot of like you I don't recognize you. You're not. I think they know at this point that just anyone gets it. Yeah. Not you. So they were somewhat upset that they didn't recognize you right away. Yeah.

These were security in Calgary? Yeah. Oh. You should have said, I'm Ben Mulroney. Yeah. The prime minister of this country. Yeah. The TV adds 100 pounds. Ben Mulroney and I probably weigh about the same.

What do you think Ben Mulroney weighs? He's, I think he's really tall. What do you think he can lift? That's the real question. What does he bench? I think he benches at 190. What does he bench? I think he benches a 190.

I think he benches 7% of his body weight in honor of the original GST. So whatever he is. Yeah, there's also people that work at the Calgary airport that all wear white cowboys. Oh, really? I didn't see them. Who are like,'re you know information people they had they had sort of a big bin where you could just recycle your white hat did you get white-headed while you're in the laptops do you have any white hats like you have to put the white hat in a big ziploc because of all the liquid in it. Ten gallons.

Yeah, and came home. Yeah. And how long were you in Calgary? I was there the rest of the weekend. Okay. I was just there one night. Yeah. Missed you.

Yeah, man. You too. Yeah, and then came home and... And family bliss. Family bliss. How do you find being away and coming home? I... See, how do you like it? Well, you asked it.

I didn't bring it up. No, but how do you feel? Being away, it was one night, so it was not the end of the world, and we've done that before. But yeah, like, I don't... It does feel like you're getting away with something. one day was one night so it was not the end of the world and we've done that before um but yeah like i don't it does feel like you're getting away with something yeah yeah yeah um and then to come home like what do you mean being in the hotel room having a bed to yourself that kind of

stuff yeah yeah real sweet yeah and having well abby's got the bed to herself when i'm away yeah yeah no i mean it's just but just like see our daughter sleeps in the bed with us and so cara doesn't get like she has more room when i'm away but she doesn't even get oh wow you guys are you guys are real uh uh what do you call that lazy yeah i guess so we put her in in the bed and i thought it was going to be in her crib and i thought it was going to be days and days of struggle. And it was one hour. Oh, really?

Where she was just like, this is perfect. Well, no, it was like, I hate this. And then we visited her after two minutes and she's like, okay, okay, I'll cool out. And then she was like, I hate this. And we visited her after four minutes and then six minutes and then eight minutes. And then she was like the first, the within an hour, she was.

What about, what about, is your young one not, not like the crib? She's too old now. She sleeps, she sleeps in, in the bed with us for a little while.

She would go into the crib for like half of the night. And then she would wake up in the middle of the night and cry in a way that like, you could tell the difference between the cry of like oh she's gonna fall back asleep in a minute and the cry of like i am up and if you don't come get me i'm gonna be like up up forever right right and uh and we just kind of i don't know there was a point where we really hated it there was an age that she was at where we weren't getting any sleep and it was awful right and now we all just kind of like it.

Yeah. She's fallen out of the bed a couple of times, which was really guilt inducing. But so now we just have this pillows all around the floor on the bed. Oh, okay. And we put pillows around her. We had pillows in the, like, or we put pool noodles under the sheet. Yeah, yeah. That's good.

Ah. So she couldn't. Well, we just used noodles from the pool. And we, so she's, but now it's kind of nice. And actually, I was, so I was away. I had three nights. One in Whistler. One and then two in Edmonton.

And, you know, there's nice hotels and it's nice. Yeah. And so on the one hand, it's great. And then you really do miss them. And like she kind of woke me up a little bit this morning, you know, and she comes over and she says hi. And it's very nice. I always found being in a really nice hotel room by yourself is weird. Oh, really?

Oh, I like it. Like, if I'm in just a regular hotel room by myself, that's totally normal to me. But if it's like a super nice hotel room, I'm like, what am I doing here? I can only watch so many channels at once. Yeah. And like, you know, there's like maybe a nice tub. And I'm like, what, am like, you know, there's like maybe a nice tub, and I'm like, what, am I going to sit in there by myself?

My shower in Calgary had like a sort of seating area inside the shower, and I was like, well, what sex act is this for by myself? But then you saw the payphone next to it and realized it was just a... Oh, okay. Yeah, sit and wash and stuff.

The first time I went on the road as a standup. I wait, we, I was in Edmonton and I was opening for Dan Quinn and, uh, went up to the room and I was like, this is unreal. Like there was a jacuzzi in the room,

like just for me and my room was this huge room, beautiful chairs. And I was like, this is amazing. And then I was meeting Dan to like beautiful chairs. And I was like, this is amazing. And then I was meeting Dan to like go for lunch or something like that. And I go down to his room and he's in like, there's two beds in the room, basically half stacked on each other. Like it smells like cigarettes.

There's one little window. There's nothing. He's like, can you believe these rooms? And I was like, they're unreal. one little window. There's nothing. He's like, can you believe these rooms?

And I was like, they're unreal. And I was like, okay, how can I make sure that Dan does not come up to my room at any point? Because clearly I've been put in the end liners.

Yeah. Yeah. There's sometimes where that's been like a selling feature of a gig. Like, oh, great hotel. And I'm like, well, put me in a shitty hotel. Give me a gig. Like, oh, great hotel.

And I'm like, well, put me in a shitty hotel. Give me the difference. Like, I don't. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't want to spend. It's all about that money, money, money. Exactly. You know my song.

He's Jesse Jay. He's the Jesse Jay of comedy. A lot of people say that. It's surprising how many people. No, if someone else is paying for it, then give me the best. Yeah, like a nice hotel, that's a good feeling. Yeah, it just really doesn't do anything for me. They're so soft.

Oh, yeah, and then you just masturbate all over them. Sit there and count the threads. Count the threads before you go to sleep? Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of nice 1200 thread is that a reasonable number i don't know i don't know you could tell me four was a high number i have no idea well yeah the shithole is your state yeah it's got more threads than there are shapes of mcnuggets uh no no that no you a nice hotel that's one of the great pleasures uh yeah i don't like that

we've chosen i don't it doesn't do i mean the life i feel the life chose that yeah that's true um that's kind of a churlish way of thinking thank you thanks churlish yeah it's funny like the only thing i care about in a gig is if the gig is good. Everything else is like, you know, it's fine. But if it's like, oh, nice hotel room, but then you go to the gig and everybody's shitty, you're like, eh. Oh, that's an interesting question. Good hotel or good gig? Good gig.

Good gig. I don't know. Remember that time we went to Vernon and had neither? I literally got sick in that room. Like I walked in. That was the extreme end of the bad spectrum where that was like those hotel rooms were. Revolting. They were revolting.

Like they hadn't been. I feel like they may not have been used since the early 90s. Oh, that's good. No. That's good. You got brand new rooms, unused rooms. No, no. It's not like they...

A lot of numbers of people haven't slept in there, buddy. We walked in and there were bikers checking in and Graham just immediately went, well, there's sex happening in the hot tub. Like, we're not using

the hot tub tonight, boys. Like, I think they made a beeline for the hot tub. Tore down the sign that said do not beeline for the hot tub. Tore down the sign that said, do not have sex. Purple stains all over the place. Call the Ghostbusters. But I think that was the last place I stayed where, you know, like Sonny Dollar Walls got the joke about like, you know, it's an old hotel if they give you the key to the room and it's a key to the room. Yeah, it was a key.

It was a key. It was a key and it also like, like the soap, like when I, you know, unwrap the soap. The soap went, hey! No, it was like, it was like the gum that you used to get with the trading cards. Like,

I went to go use it and it just like snapped. It's like soap up with a shard of soap. Oh, that was like sleeping in a gas station bathroom. That gig was terrible because the only light they had on stage was like the disco lighting. Because it was like a club. Remember like the lighting kept changing from like blue to green to red. I thought you were going to say it was like the, the,

at a construction site, that one, like orange utility light. It's got like a, it's just cast up at your face. Have you ever done a gig where you're uplit? Yes. Oh man.

I've had gigs where I've uplit or where I've been severely, like where the light's above my head. And so all you see, you can't see eyes. You just see these dark circles around the eyes. Oh, boy. That's a spotlight. Yeah, it's a spotlight. Yeah, a spotlight.

I mean, we installed it in the wrong place. At the hotel that I was staying in in Calgary, they had, this is the thing that they do to, I learned something about the hotel that I was staying at, that during Stampede, Calgary Stampede season, they will take your wedding ring for you. Oh, gross. So you can cheat on your spouse. It's nice of you to gender neutralize it By saying spouse

And they will spray tan your finger Shut up That was their big promotion That is the grossest thing I've ever heard It is pretty gross You know how Like cruelty to baby cows Makes me horny

I'm trying to look if I... Would they do anything about that indentation? Yeah. I'd send up a masseuse to work your finger muscles. Can they do anything about the fact that every five seconds I'd be like, where's my wedding ring? Because I play with it all the time.

Did I lose it here? I can't lose it. Did I lose it in some lady? Hello, hotel reception. do you have a metal detector? But they I find now hotels will do a thing where they pretend they have like, oh, look at our upscale bathroom products.

Yeah, oh yeah. In this case, it was look at our upscale bathroom. Yeah. Oh yeah. And in this case, it was all like burning peppermint. Like, yeah. Hey, do you have any scratches you don't know about? You will.

I, uh, ever want to open your testicles? This will feel like it. The weird thing about the, the stampede is it's so means one thing when you're a kid. Because it's like, when you're a kid, it's all... This is the Calgary Stampede for people not...

So it's like a big rodeo. And if you're in Calgary, order my book. It's available where you are. It's like when you're a kid it's uh everybody has these like block parties and uh every like business has these like pancake breakfasts it's like the super fun thing when you're a kid and then when you're an adult moms and dads are fucking the moms aren't theirs and then it does it becomes this whole other it's kind of like halloween like it's like it means one thing to kids and it

means something so so different to adults that's really interesting because yeah like when i worked at the stampede and like we would do i worked with the catering company you worked in the sex lodge yeah and i was in charge of spraying the fingers with tan of goose um spray your fingers Of goose. Spray your fingers, sir. Graham was just selling Stampeder I Barely Know Her t-shirts. But yeah, anyways, it's weird. It's weird that it's like there's no... That's so interesting that you say that about Halloween because that is so true.

Because Christmas is the same for kids as it is for grownups. You're just looking at it from a different angle. It's like, oh, I remember when I was a kid. Whereas Halloween is like when your kid is like, let's have fun and dress up. Yeah, we'll go get candy. Go get candy. And then when you're grownups, it's like, let's do drugs and transgress. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck somebody dressed like Bugs Bunny's girlfriend. Yeah. Whatever her name was. Babs? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's unwholesome Halloween becomes. Christmas for grownups is more stress.

It's more stress and more alcohol. I have to provide a perfect Christmas for grown-ups is more stress. More stress and more alcohol. I have to provide a perfect Christmas for everyone else. But it's the same event. Yeah, it's not, I got to get my turkey wet. Yeah. If you know what I mean. Yeah, I got to get my turkey stuff. Yeah, you got to work my yule log.

Now stuff your stocking gonna deck your house I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, Well, we just ruined Christmas. The Grinch who came all over Christmas. Warm wishes, everyone. What's up with you, my friend? Well, like you said, I stayed on to do another show at this Calgary festival. The Calgary All-Stars.

This is the same festival that you and I did a few years ago, and it was a secret show that was kept secret through the length of the show. Yeah, secret from the audience. This was a show that I did. It was held in an old movie theater. The Plaza. The Plaza movie theater, which used to be like if you, in the 90s, was if like any independent film came out, that's where you'd have to go see it. Like Van East used to be.

Yeah, yeah. You'd go see The Opposite of Sex in the 90s. Exactly. And that's where I saw Pulp Fiction. It's not good to see Pulp Fiction. And Dead Man. Jim Jarmusch is dead. Was Jim Jarmusch dead?

I don't know. Judy Berlin. Is that the Edie Falco movie? The black and white Edie Falco movie I saw with my dad at the Venice Cinema.

Yeah, so it has like a lot of like as soon as I walked in like I just remembered it. Yeah, man. Like nothing in it had changed. Nothing.

That's really cool. It's cool except that it's not aged that it's it's not aged well like no definitely like a vernon hotel room yeah so it was kind of it was weird though walking in because i i don't uh a lot of the places that i know like i remember from when i was good they're not there anymore or whatever uh and so that was weird long since stampeded exactly and it's weird i can't believe this one is still in business but uh yeah it was it was really strange because i remember like trying to make out with a girl there once and her totally like leaning away and we'd be like hmm

so now we just watch the movie and pretend i didn't try to do that which is what we did uh i should have waited till later in the movie i guess i didn't know i didn't have any moves and yet but if you had waited then you'd be and she had uh uh got along with it you'd be like oh we could have been doing this the whole movie that's true instead of watching this weird jim jarmusch movie i've never heard of still. Yeah. Oh, man. Anyway, you can read about it all in Graham's Autobiography, Coming Attractions, the Graham Clark story. I wish I was coming attraction.

But they had, because there was no backstage area. There was just like a little staircase that went outside. They hired like an RV for us to like sit in, which is a good idea because there was nowhere else to be. Except you couldn't use the bathroom in the RV. So I was like, hmm. Like, so we could have just been standing in a box. Sure. Basically.

Well, what are we right now but sitting in a box that's true man do you ever think about that man are we inside are we outside oh I feel like there's

a box inside me and uh yeah and the show was was fun and uh and then yeah

then I just I just flew back horrible flight back with a lady. But it was as you tried to make out with her. As the plane was taking off. And I was like, no, you're not in the list. But it was an hour flight.

Yeah, except that I was like, oh, I'm going to, because I didn't sleep very well the night before. So I'm like, I'm just going to sleep for this hour. Sleep on this lady. So I closed the blind, which as the window passenger is my right. Your prerogative. And then... You can close what you want to close.

So I closed it, and as soon as I closed it, the lady sat next to me and was like, in this thick Russian accent, said, You can't have omelets without breaking eggs you mind to be opening blinds

so I can see and I was like yeah okay and then I didn't know that that would mean that she would be breathing on me

for the entire flight with her however many cocktails of whatever just like booze like booze factory breath what time of day huh what time of day was your flight this was 4 p.m okay you can be drunk by then yeah oh sure it's 4 p.m

somewhere as the saying goes and uh yeah so and then i don't know i don't know why people get on flights and want to talk there's so many things to do that aren't talking talk to each other or like to you to a stranger to a stranger you're right now having a conversation that will be downloaded by thousands of people and they'll put it in their ears to avoid a conversation with somebody on a plane like just the number of media available to you in this day and age to not have to talk to the person on the flight next to you. My Wi-Fi is not working on planes.

You be my friend. You are my MySpace. My son Tom is dead. I forgot about Tom. Because he's just a river. My son Tom is dead. Oh, yeah, I forgot about Tom. Because he is dead. I had a lady, a perfume lady, either right behind me or right in front of me on the flight from Edmonton. And it's just like, one, it was just, it was horrible perfume. Like, it was just absolutely revolting. And two, like, who loads up on perfume and then gets on a plane?

Yeah. That seems like we've moved etiquette wise past that. I had two perfume moments in the past week. One was when I was voting the other day and I was in line for 90 minutes. And somehow 70 minutes in, someone just started reeking of perfume. And the other one. Somebody reapplied. But I was in the airport in Calgary and in the bathroom.

It's like a truck stop bathroom or a bar bathroom with the, like, our version of Drakkar Noir. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, why? You know where we are, right? Yeah. Also, here is some peanut shells if you want to just scatter them through the cabin. Or like the cats now and dogs. So both WestJet and Air Canada, which are the two big airlines in Canada.

People can figure that out. That's what I thought, but I'm wondering. They allow animals in the cabin. So, like, Graham and I had a flight a little while ago. It was just a lady with a fucking cat in a box. Yeah, with a cat, which a lot of people are allergic to cats. And super allergic to cats. Yeah.

Like, so cats affect my breathing or whatever. Yeah. Or whatever. Or whatever. Or whatever. Or my rage. And then you're like, well, you ask the, and they're like, well, we'll see if we can find you another. But how, that's just like a steady, like, de-civilization of the plane space. But it's, I think planes have been, there seems to be two.

Somebody pointed this out. I saw it on like a video on YouTube. It was like, there's either people who look like they're about to walk down a runway. They're dressed to the nines and they're getting on a plane or somebody that looks like they just fell out of a bunk bed. Like it's, those are the two people traveling now. That's one where I feel like, cause I remember when I was a kid, we used to dress up. But you were a kid. But people would say you're going to dress up for a plane.

Oh, you would dress up nice. Well, you would wear nice clothes on a plane. Yeah. And now I do feel like utility. I did once. I believe partly in utility. Yeah. I was once flown business class and got bumped up to first class on an overnight flight.

And they give you pajamas. Jesus. Wow. And I, it was like, because the regular people just wear pajamas every day. Yeah. They're like, we assume you know better. But I was like looking around like, are we all going to put these on? Nobody else did. I put the shirt on yeah sure why not you wanted to put on the whole first class upgrade on

an overnight flight that's living large i one time got bumped up to business class for like a flight to like calgary or something i think to that festival no and it was just like well this is kind of nice for the 45 minutes that we're in the air yeah it's weird i don't know but like when you walk through that part of the plane everybody's dressed like they could just go right into a board meeting yeah and then you get... You get the occasional, like, I'm a rocker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I'm, uh...

Somehow I'm tattooed. Yeah, like my dad invented the pogo stick or something. Oh, yeah. That asshole. But then, yeah, then you get into coach. You're like,

well, this is why we're in coach because we can't... They all behaved like we were in first class. They should have separate entrances because I don't want to see them. I don't want to see the first class people. They do on some planes.

Yeah. Or you go in and they turn left and you turn right. Yeah. It's on those European flights because they have a stricter class hierarchy. Yeah, that's true. You have to be of noble birth to compete. But yeah, anyway, so boozy, boozy lady. I did her a favor, and that's how I was repaid, was by my Russian breath.

Were you able to sleep? No, no. No. What did you talk about? Huh? No, I shut her down at every turn. Do you have podcast? Oh, I shut her down at every turn.

Do you have podcast? You are not co-hosting this Ukrainian, are you? They are scum. Yeah, and then that was it. Then I got home and then, you know, just got back down to business. And that's it, man. Do you want to move on to some overheards? Yeah, let's do that.

Hey, Graham. Yes, Dave. This week on the show, we have a Jumbotron message. This is from a local business here in Vancouver called Sips. Sips.

Was that S-I-P-Z? No, no, no. It's not Sips. No, it's Sips. Sips. Was that S-I-P-Z? No, no, no. It's not Sips. No, it's Sips. Okay. It's here in Vancouver. It's a Vancouver-based cocktail emporium, meaning they have everything except booze.

They got... Oh, they got all the stuff, all the mixers. Yeah, you got mixers. You got glassware. You got... Bitters. Yeah, you got, like, shakers. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got like shakers. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Straws. Remember earlier in this episode or possibly later. Yeah. I was talking about how I was drinking an old fashioned. But you didn't have all the stuff. Didn't have syrup. Yeah. They got your syrups.

Now, here's the thing that I'm particularly interested in and it's been called to my attention particularly in this ad uh if you want to know where this place is conveniently located across from kingsgate mall yeah in fact it's right next to the capoeira studio oh because so then you can walk by see some cool moves yeah see people steaming up the capoeira windows high kicks low kicks and then. And then you go over, you get yourself, oh, like a lavender flavored syrup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then isn't there like a boutique, like crazy dentist place on that same street? Yeah, there's a crazy boutique dentist place.

I think there is. It's called like- Well, they didn't buy an ad. Dr. T from the Electric Mayhem. So visit goodsips.ca to find out what you need for your home bar. Great for Christmas gifts. And in Canada, purchases of $20 or more in November get free shipping in November. Oh, I love that.

Yeah. I love free things. Yeah. So goodsips.ca or just Sips on Broadway. Yeah. If you're things. Yeah. So, good sips dot C-A or just sips on Broadway. Yeah. If you're stuck for a Christmas gift, this is it. We just solved your problems. Can't do no better.

You're welcome. Back to the show. You bet. Hey, MaxFun listeners. I'm Dave Holmes. And if you've been missing my show, International Waters, you've been missing this. I am aroused, but I have zero idea. Really?

I really... Yeah. Sorry. Name a British food lady. Name a Britishoused but I have zero idea. Really? Are you really? Yeah. Name a British food lady. Name a British food lady? Julia Childs? I'm afraid I can't accept that. No, it's not Julia. Come on, you must know your British food ladies. International Waters, a panel show where US and UK

comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Hey, everyone. We're the Flophouse, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin.

What is the Flophouse, you may very well ask? We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that answer that by saying one we've been doing this show for over seven years long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche and two shut up sick bird i'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast a podcast about words that sound like other words a podcast about me singing long irritating songs like this one a podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie. Or discussions about sex tarps.

Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today. Or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flophouse! Woo! Overheard!

Overheard! It's a segment in which we hear hilarious things out in the world, report them back here on the podcast. We always like to start with our guest. Yeah, and the guest likes to have brought in something good. Oh, I see.

Sure. Life doesn't always go the way that, so this is more kind of an overseen, and it wasn't really funny as opposed to being possibly poignant. I like something poignant. I was in the car. I was driving. I had just voted. It was election day.

Yeah. How'd that go? No. I don't want you to talk about it either. So I'm driving. Charlie's a conservative. Yeah. Strong, strong Stephen Harper supporter.

And I just don't know what we're going to do. About all these women in the cabs rolling their eyes in front of everybody. Saying oaths. Saying oaths. And so I was driving uh down the street going out to um ubc uh and drove by a bus and the bus you know the lights on the front that have the message like it's the number of the bus and what the bus route is yeah or sometimes it'll say happy holidays or go canucks go yeah exactly And so that this day it said vote today

and I was like, oh, that's kind of sweet and I kind of smiled to myself and then the next frame said sorry and then it went up again and said not in service. So it was just even on the not in service post it said vote today. Sorry.

Sorry though. Not in service. And so I thought it was very kind of a poignant piece about voter something. Voter something. Voter something. Doing your sort of national service, but you're not in service. Yeah, kind of. And sorry about that. Sorry.

Canadian. But he did. Stephen Harper said in his, um, uh, concession speech or surrender speech, whatever you want to call it. He was like, um, you know,

something, something. And he was doing that smile and he goes, as Canadians, we're going to do something, something. And for, for our safety and prosperity with no apologies.

And I was like, well, that's why you lost. That's all we love. That's how we do. We love to apologize. There's somebody who, uh, I remember posted on on Facebook a very well-timed photograph of one of those Vancouver buses that had been in a car accident and waited until it said sorry on it. Pretty great photo.

Yeah. Pretty great internet opportunity. I mean, you can't, like, went to apologize uh then you're legally responsible uh you're liable no not here in canada it just means that you've observed the scene did you know that it's uh too late to apologize don't know this song it was uh the beef commercial oh yeah it was a bunch of sad cows. Too late to apologize for beef. Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine is chicken related.

Go on. I saw this dad with kids, four kids between, I'd say the ages of three and six. I would say maybe two of the kids were his and maybe they were friends or like nephews and nieces. Yeah, because otherwise. Yeah, mathematically, that's. Well, people have. You could. People have multiples.

I mean, women do anyway. When I'm with them. That's Dave's personal guarantee. It's too late to apologize to your wife for that joke. Spray tan. So I I

just overheard him saying to the kids as they were about to go into a restaurant so let's have something other than chicken fingers and fries and then all four kids going no yeah that's heartbreaking when you go out but it was less sorry i think i did it wrong it was more of like they're telling him like no yeah yeah like i i don't know if you ever like when you were a kid

That sometimes you'd go out To a restaurant And then like They wouldn't have anything That was like Kid Kid food And then you just like

We can give you a smaller chunk Of shepherd's pie Yeah Yeah and then you end up It's like a waste of a Going out for dinner Thing Yeah

And you're like I need that old food. all the food pasta has pesto on it, which it's got like a nut in it. Like, I didn't come here to eat a nut. I picked nuts out of things.

Oh, man. Um, but, uh, what was your favorite kid meal? Macaroni and cheese? Uh,

like for going out? Yeah. Oh, no. Like like where like they give you the kids menu i guess so i'm just making conversation i think i would be it would be always something like if i was at a restaurant it'd be like some sort of hamburger right something in burger what kind of pirate pack did you get when you would go what kinds do they have uh hamburger grilled cheese and hot dog, I think. And then the fish and chip.

I think hamburger. Because I always got grilled cheese. And then my friend George, who's quite old, and he's got a daughter. I mean, he'll be 80 this year. And he would make fun of his kid for getting the grilled cheese pirate pack. He was like, that's the one thing you can get at home. Like, I can make you grilled cheese whenever you want. And that never

occurred to me as a kid either. I would always get the grilled cheese pirate pack. Yeah, I was chatting with a friend. For anyone not from the lower mainland of British Columbia, a pirate pack is something that they give to kids at white spot restaurants. It's served in

a cardboard pirate ship. You get, what do you get? A gold coin. A gold coin. I was going to finish with that. No, Charlie would start with it. A chocolate gold coin. It was a real lost leader for the restaurant. They would give children an actual gold coin,

which was not only expensive, but an inordinate number of children swallowed them. Yeah. And so there were numerous class action lawsuits. Anyway, that's why there's no more white spots. And then fries and a burger or whatever. And a gold corn! It was before environmental consciousness

and then somehow survived it. Because it's like, huge portions of the boat were unused. Like, it was only a little square in the middle. It's a big cardboard structure. But then did you keep the boat after? For an afternoon or whatever. Oh, okay. So you maybe

put it in the bathtub and it returned to the ocean. Until the next time you went to White Spot in a few weeks. I was chatting with a friend. My mother, when I became an adult, my mother used to still call up White Spot and pretend there was a child

in the room. Order a fire bag for her. And then pretend, oh oh what do you want oh you want the grilled no you oh you want the burger okay he'll have the burger that's pretty cute yeah why what when you were an adult yeah but she's ordering it for her yeah but why do you have to be an adult in the story oh because i like she's i'm not around anymore yeah she's still ordering pirate packs for her. To eat.

Yeah. But she's pretending that she still has a little kid kicking around. But you're over at the house? I think... I guess I'm in space. Like, where do I want to be right now? In a hole far away from everyone. What if we're going to dissect the logic of this?

Okay, sorry. There's dissection. And there's just trying to figure out what the scenario is. Oh, boy. My friend was telling me one time he was hanging out with his buddy. And then his buddy's dad took them for fish and chips. That was the dinner. And he was just so upset.

Like, what? We got to go out for dinner? But then it was fish and chips? Because kids don't get into fish and chips. Do they not? I think adults do. I think maybe British kids. You know?

A meat pie. But I don't think your North American kids are going to pick fish as they're like, go out. I definitely, my parents used to treat that as a treat. And we,

I think we talked about it maybe with Morgan Brayton a few weeks ago. That fish and chips was. They would go like, let's go down to the West End, go to that fish and chips place. And my brother and I would be like,

there's a KFC right next to it. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, like, let's just do this for real let's find the closest thing we recognize what's the most adult food like what is the food a kid is least interested in eating i for whatever reason i think of like uh like uh like a serving station where somebody's like carving roast beef. That seems like something a kid would be like. Your daughter is almost two years old. Yep.

What's the food she eats that you're most impressed by? Huh. Well, I mean, I think she eats, like she eats most stuff. Like is she too young to be picky? Like do you learn pickiness at five? There's things that, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, cause like I was a picky kid, but like when I was her age, I was eating like smoked oysters and olives and stuff like that. My dad always says it was like a switch.

Like I, all of a sudden I was a picky eater. Right. But she will like you know there's stuff that you forget so like we got in the car and i had some like candied ginger and i gave it to her like i like i was eating it and she was like you know showing that she wanted to try it so i gave her a little bit and she chews it for a second and then she starts going like and i was like oh my god she's allergic she then she starts going like, and I was like, oh my God, she's allergic. She's allergic to walnuts, right?

And I was like, maybe she's allergic to ginger as well. And then I just realized like, it's super spicy. And gross. For a baby. It's gross for a grown up. So I think it's more like with kids, everything they, it's all like the sensitivity is way up. Okay.

Yeah. I also like it when you give the baby something and then it just falls out of their mouth. Like a dog does. Margo does that. She'll, every morning I give her some combination of eggs and cheese and tomatoes and avocados. Smoked oysters. And the tomatoes she will just chew for two seconds and then spit them. But she loves them.

She wants all of them. And then she puts them in her mouth for two seconds and then they're gone. And they all end up like right in her crotch. Like where the high chair collects everything. Oh, babies, man. In some ways. Today I was giving her The high chair collects everything Oh babies man

They're the future In some ways Today I was giving her We ordered a pizza And I gave her She just wants the mushrooms off the pizza Okay And I gave them to her

And her hands just get so greasy From like pulling mushrooms off a pizza And then she's crawling around And climbing up on things. This is the cleanest she'll ever be. Because when she gets motorized, like when she's able to walk around, man, you're just going to have stains that you'll discover

after she goes off to university. Sure. I can't wait. We should all be so lucky. But that degree is not worth anything Do you have an overheard? I do I was at the campus of

The U of C Go Dinos Is it the Dinos? It is the Dinos University of Calgary I did a radio show with a woman named Sarah Adams. And it was Levi McDougal and I were the guests. It was a ton of fun.

CJSW. What's the name of that show? I think it's called Don't Smile. And people can find that on the internet. Yeah. Levi's a great guy and a funny guy. He was on our live episode. He was our guest while we were in Calgary.

Excellent. And he never has the right cell phone provider, though, I find. That's true. That's always been true about him. If you live outside of here. He's the guy in the Rogers commercial. Never had the Rogers. But I was walking through the food court and there were three young girls walking towards me, and one of them was laying it out for the other two.

Oh, yeah. And she said, anyone who knows me knows that I am not fun. Oh, my God. Yeah, somebody was proposing some shenanigans, and she was jumping off board. Oh, boy, that sounds like me. Yeah, no, you're fun. You'll have some fun. I'll have fun from the comfort of my own home

or a nice hotel. How old was this girl? This was at university. This is university age. So maybe this is like the second month of school for her. And she's like, these are all new friends. She's got to lay the groundwork. This girl sounds so cool. Yeah yeah i don't like fun yeah if as a father i can get my daughter to a place where at

19 she's telling her friends she's no fun leave her alone yeah i'll know i'll look at the stain in the kitchen in the roof of the cupboard yeah you'll be like, how did they get? Smile wistfully. Yeah. And the cats in the cradle. Happy birthday last week. To Henry. Now, if you want to send in overheards to the show, you can do so.

You can send them into spy at maximum fun.org uh like these people did and uh this first one comes from john g in cleveland ohio oh home of the drew carey show yeah yeah uh hey uh give a big shout out to winfred Lauder. Yeah. And Mimi. Yeah. And Buzz Beer. And get that pool table out of the rain. You know what? Oh, yeah. I sure watched a lot of a show I didn't really care about.

I would never do that now. I bet you I've seen every episode of that show. And yeah, it was okay. Which theme song came first? Moon over Palm of the Rainbow. That one was first and then cleveland rocks yeah and then anarchy in the uk um so uh this is in cleveland ohio there's a new theater from my house there's a theater up the street from my house and the first show is shrek the musical now you see have you seen the makeup that the guy wears for the shrek thing

terrifying right yeah yeah i was strolling past the back of the building last night and saw the actor that's a playing Shrek? I saw the actor that's a playing a Shrek. Oh, Shrek, he got a mighty, mighty set of ears. Sorry, dude. I didn't realize I slipped into my boyardee character. Anyway, go on on Giacomo. Tell us about the Shrek.

That's playing Shrek out back in his full on green Shrek makeup and prosthetic ears but still just wearing regular

guy clothes smoking a cigarette and looking at his phone. Which is a sight to see. They shouldn't let him do that.

Oh in Cleveland it's an average dude. Burn. Cleveland, I feel like, was always a punchline city growing up. Also, Ohio, major swing state. It's always Florida and Ohio that seem to decide every election. Yeah, but I don't really know outside of Cleveland.

I don't really know what's in Ohio. Cincinnati. Dayton. Akron. Akron. Akron. I think of Akon. Akon is in Ohio.

I think they have their own set of Amish. They have their own type of Amish. Cincinnati Amish. Yep. They have tiger striped helmets. Along with Alabama, one of two states to begin and end with the same word, letter. Yeah. And Alaska.

And Alaska. And New York. I don't know. And California. There's probably a few. There's probably a few. That. There's probably a few. That's got to be the shortest state name. Ohio. Yeah. Well, also Iowa.

It's a tie. I'm good at the whenever there's a Jeopardy thing that's like about US states, but you don't need to know anything other than like how to spell it. I'm good at those there's I don't know

where like when it US geography I'm very very bad at I don't know where anything is yeah I'm good at I can go the outsides

except for the northeast because there's I think they thought there would be fewer states they didn't realize how big the country was and so they just crammed

like New Hampshire and like Vermont if you're watching The Wire and they're always like, they're in Baltimore. They're like, I got to drive up to New York and then go to Philadelphia. And you're like, whoa, whoa, how close is everything? And on The Sopranos, it was the same thing. I didn't know that New York and New Jersey were like neighborhoods. Yeah.

Because if you're in BC, it takes a day to drive to the next the width of it and it takes three days to drive the length yeah yeah and the next like biggest city is you know edmond calgary well if you go to victoria but even that's a drive spicy meatball yeah that's yeah you guys know from my country well Well, I feel like as I was thinking about this the other day, that people make fun of jocks for being dumb, but I feel like as a sports fan, I learned geography because the team would go out east. You know that Charlottetown has hornets.

It's not Charlottetown, it's Charlotte. No, the Charlottetown Hornets. In Prince Edward Island. Who are the fathers of Confederation. With Larry Johnson and Grandmama. But like the teams would go out east. Was Grandmama the guy that's dressed up like an old lady in Slam Dunk? Yeah.

But like you would play Boston one day and then you would maybe have a day off before you played in New York. But then New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia are all so close. Washington is all so close together. I don't think that exempts jocks from being dumb. That's true.

Well, but if you're a jock in Canada who's into the CFL, you stay pretty dumb. Well, you if you're a jock in Canada who's into the CFL, you stay pretty dumb. Or you're super smart and you have to get an outside job if you're in the CFL. I'm not talking about the players. The players don't know where the cities are. The teams only play once a week anyway, so travel time doesn't really matter. I guess.

Because it's so concussive. Are there still two sets of Rough Riders in the CFL? No. Now the, okay, I was watching Canadian Football League highlights the other day. The Ottawa. Red Blacks. Yeah, the Ottawa team is called the Red Blacks now. But what does that mean? I don't know.

Nobody knows. But when they score a touchdown, a guy in the end zone chainsaws a log. Oh, that's pretty good. when he's wearing red and black like buffalo check plaid well and he goes those guys are a play in the football yeah it's shrek yeah that's a spicy shrek i can't believe i just i'll have to listen to this later uh you listen every week don't you oh absolutely. I love the sound of my own voice. This next one comes from John in New York. Maybe since I edit the episode and listen to the whole thing,

maybe we shouldn't be splitting money 50-50. I've always said that. You've been like, no, no. Fair is fair. No, no, which in your language means grandfather. Good work, you guys. Good co-authoring a joke. Yeah.

I always want to like, you know, remember Steve Sharpa? So we have another overheard? Yeah. Listeners, you wish he let me finish that. All right, tell me your story about Steve Sharpa. No, I was saying, because you remember he was writing all those novelty books about a Goomba's

Guide to Life. No, he was Bobby Bacala. A Goomba's Guide to Love and the Italian... Is this a guy from Sopranos? Yeah, Sopranos. He could write a novelty book called Mess With My Italian Grandpa. Mess With My Tall Italian Grandpa.

That's a big no-no. Messed with my Italian grandpa. Messed with my tall Italian grandpa. There we go. That's a big no-no. That's a big no-no. I don't know that that needs to be a book title. I think it does. Because he's already got the one type of book title. Why would he mix it up? I've written three books.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. I'll defer to you. Messed with my tall Italian grandfather. That's a big no-no. So, you know, that's true. I'll defer to you. That's just my tall Italian grandfather. That's a big no. So this comes from John in New York. I was in a coffee shop and there were a couple of girls, maybe late teens or early 20s, sitting next to me. The song Love Don't Cost a Thing by Jennifer Lopez. That has one of the worst ad libs ever, where she goes, ooh, nah, nah, nah.

I just don't believe it. one of the worst ad libs ever where she goes, ooh, nah, nah, nah. I just don't believe it. Love Don't Cost a Thing by Jennifer Lopez came on the radio and I heard one of them say,

Destiny's Child. This song is called Genie in a Bottle. Do you remember the video for Love Don't Cost a Thing? Of course. She's in southern Floridaida when you took a chance thought you'd understand baby credit cards aren't romance she was dancing and it wasn't this like

what her big breakout hit it was maybe her first hit as a singer yeah yeah and and at the very we were all on board and at the very end she takes her top off it goes swimming in the ocean throws the um to confuse Destiny's Child, Genie in a Bottle, and My Love Don't Cost a Thing, that's a real late 90s masturbation trifecta. Yeah, when I bet on masturbation,

I always bet the trifecta. Sure. Sometimes the super trifecta. Oh, yeah. I was a big class of 99 guy. But that was the... Anyway.

That's a big nod. Look, it was a great time from Brittany to Christina, Mandy Moore to Jessica Simpson. Spice Girls 2. It was a great time to be 19. Yeah.

But now it's pretty good. Now's a good time to be 19 too. You got the internet. You don't just have the next music video at the end of the show. There was a time in your life where you could get by on whatever you could find on TV.

Yeah, that's our telling kids what the depression is like. Yeah. I remember masturbating to news anchors. This Jerry Springer is disturbing, but kind of sexy. Yeah. Yep, I had a couple of Jerry Springers under my belt. There was a time when there was Jerry Springer that was too hot for TV. But just hot enough for your old grandpa.

For your big no-no. That was a big no-no. No-no did a big no-no. Mess with your tall grandpa. Tall Italian Grandpa. Sure. Messing with my tall Italian Grandpa is a big no-no. And we're back with the author of Mess with my Tall Italian Grandpa.

That's a big no-no. There's not a lot of room on this book cover for even your name or anything it's an old title I feel like you think a good book title would be like just a moderately amusing tweet

how many characters can I have in this title that's not really how it works, Mr. Demers. Mr. Sherpa. This last one comes from Brian D. in Long Beach, California. I was on the deck of the Queen Mary. I was on the six, like Jennifer Lopez. A very sexy train, if I recall. In the Queen Mary in the Long Beach Harbor, when three girls who had just come from a champagne brunch stopped at the railing next to me.

That's not a substantial brunch. Yeah. What? A champagne brunch? A champagne? That's a thing, isn't it? How long have overheards been all running into groups of young women? I mean, in a way, that's what life is.

Yeah, that's true. So, gals who just come from Champagne Brunch stopped at the railing next to me and looked out at the skyline. One girl started giving a semi-rehearsed and slurring guide to some of the buildings. That building with the green roof is the Villa Riviera. It's been around since the 20s

the tall one there is the international tower which has an amazing panoramic view from the penthouse and the one next to it is 600 ocean i fucked a guy there for a year you just thought about baseball the whole time. The key to a good tour guide is somebody who throws in their own personal stuff. Oh, cool. What was his thread count like?

I've never gotten drunk at a brunch. I've never had an alcohol at a brunch. You've never had an alcohol at a brunch. You've never had a mimosa? I, maybe, maybe. But I like. If you've had a mimosa, it was before noon. No, I'm a late afternoon mimosa guy.

But like, I don't know. For some reason, it always seems like I would rather just drive home than get drunk. But I've definitely done that at like Just for Laughs, like where they've had that as an option. And you're just like eating in the hotel where you stay. Oh, yeah. Oh, in another city. Oh, boy. Well, I was in Calgary.

Did I mention this? Yeah. And your brother suggested I go for brunch at a place called The Beltliner. Okay. And it was great. And I ordered hash browns with my meal. And they came as a cube of potato. You were doing a hand gesture as you were saying hash brown?

I was born to hand gesture. No, but because I was like, where is this going that that's what he did for hash brown no but because i was like where is this going that that's what he did for hash browns yeah it was a cube like a giant die of like cool thinly sliced potatoes that they then just deep fried like as a cube and it was uh i like that it was fun to eat. Yeah. Did you take off your wedding ring for it? I did. This is so good. Every bite had a crispy portion. Yeah.

That's all you can ask for. Absolutely. That's how you hash a brown. Yeah. Or a brown and a half. Yeah, I think it's more brown and a half. Yeah, absolutely. Is that the show?

No, Dave. Okay. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. What is this, your third time that the show? No, Dave. Okay. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. What is this? Your third time on the show? Are you our most decorated guest? No, I think it's Abby or Alicia, right? I don't know.

I'm in the running. Absolutely. You've got a lot of what it takes to get along. In addition, yeah, we accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number sorry i've had so many moments yeah if you want to call i was trying to think of like mid like if mid morning sangria like you know if mimosa could be like you know how like so much is that where mimosa comes from mid-morning sangria i thought i would say that as a lie and then that's good that is a good it is kind of a mid-morning sangria yeah mimosa nolita oh lolita nolita no what's nolita

it's a new york neighborhood like oh oh it's not like not not little italy asshole it's not what my italian grandfather tells me he'd prefer to stick with imperial measurements. Yeah, no, it's like... No lita, gallons only. It's like Soho or Tribeca or whatever. They're all... North Little Tambourine. Yeah, those little things.

Mid-morning sangria. I think that's wonderful. Like off the top of your dome? No, can't beat it. Not bad. 206-339-8328 if you want to call us with your overheard. Here we go. Here we go.

Hi, this is Aaron from Baltimore. Love you. Long time. Eww. You can't go. Eww. Wasn't sure. from Baltimore. Love you. Long time. Ew. Giggle. Ew. Wasn't sure. Not committing to this.

Love you. Long time. Okay. Love you. Long time. Is that where you I think that's where it was going.

Poor guy. I'm not counting that. It's one of those phone calls. Here's your first phone call. But do you remember when you would say Hi Dave Graham and wonderful guest.

Do you have something to say? Well I just remember when you would ask like when answering Dave Graham and wonderful guest. You had something to say? Well, I just remember when you would ask, like when answering machines first came along and you'd accidentally say I love you when you, like, called a friend. Or you'd go like... Or like signing off.

Or you'd go... Or like whatever. Or if you ever had... The thing where I worked at somewhere where I had to say the name of the company when I answered the phone. Yeah, yeah. And then when you get home and you answer your phone and you have to say the name of the company when I answered the phone yeah yeah and then when you get home

and you answer your phone and you have to say oh sorry wait no it's just me Dunder Mifflin yeah my brother once kissed at the end of an

answering machine message and was just mortified and then found out later that the kids who heard it thought that he burped at the end and they were like yeah

like they just thought he was the king alright here we go overheard alright here we go who heard it thought that he burped at the end, and they were like, yeah! They just thought he was the king. All right, here we go. Overheard. All right, here we go. Hi, Dave Graham and wonderful guests. This is Alex from Bloomington with an Overheard.

Just got off work and overheard a woman talking on the phone and said, and that's when I had to explain to a middle-aged woman what being Jewish was. Okay, thanks, bye. Wow, weaged woman what being Jewish was. Okay. Thanks. Bye. Wow. I mean, you got to find out sometime. Yeah. I did a show a couple weeks ago, and there was an improv troupe before me.

Is that an improv troupe I see before me? Macbeth. Macbeth as performed by John Wayne. As Robin Williams. I'll have you know. So they asked for something like, give us a situation or whatever. And someone in the crowd goes, bar mitzvah. And the kid from the improv was like, oh, yeah, I'd like to be at a bar mitzvah as long as the doctor's there. The whole crowd was like, computing, computing, computing.

And I was just like, this guy never met a Jewish person in his life. Does he think it's a bris? It's a bris. But also the doctor's not at a bris exactly so it was double layer

it was like every yeah but he thought he was this'll do it who who performs a bris a mole

a mole an improv a mole normally it's an improv no it's a mole is it m-o-h-e-l but it's pronounced moil

okay for sure yeah a mohel yeah I think it's sp But it's pronounced Moil. Okay. For sure. Yeah. A mohel? Yeah, I think it's spelt mohel. It's pronounced moil. Mohel, mo problems.

I give that a four skin out of ten. Fair. Next. Phone call. Hello, Dave Graham. Possible guest. This is Sarah from Austin. And I haven't overdreamt. I was minding my own business and I see Graham being chased on foot by police officers

Graham is like it's like a screwball comedy I I see him run by, then I see this group of cops running by, and Graham is yelling the whole time he's running, like, ah! Being chased by these cops. That would take so much of your energy. I try to get them all to settle down, and I finally get them to stop, and Graham keeps yelling like he didn't steal this thing,

but he keeps running from them and yelling at them at the same time. Finally, he produces a receipt that shows that he paid $6.09 for this, like, I don't know, cupcake. And the cops are like, oh. I treated myself. And then they left. treated myself and then and then me and graham and some other people went to this club where a bouncer uh kicked us out for accusing said bouncer of being homophobic and pretty i was so high on my red velvet cupcake i said let's go to the club This is the middle of the day when you eat cupcakes. Yeah, your $6 cupcake.

You were drunk off of mid-morning sangria. I would never steal a cupcake. No. No. Well, you'd borrow one. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'd leave an IOU. One cupcake or equivalent two muffins or equivalent is only

like that's like car rental speak make sure you have a walk around the cupcake before we give it to you or equivalent pump me up to a new model of cupcake. Red velvet or equivalent. Bring it back with icing in the tank, or you'll have to pay a certain number. No Lita. All right. Here's your final overheard of 2015. That's a big no-no. Hi, Dave, Graham, and possible guests.

This is Josh calling in an overheard from Chicago. A few months ago, I was on a train, and when the doors closed, like I imagine most subway systems, they have kind of an announcement that's very monotone. It was that, sorry, my TV just turned on. Sorry if you heard that. But the thing it said is, this is a brown line train to the loop. And there were these teenagers on the train. They all weren't really talking to each other. They were just looking at their phones.

And about like five seconds after we started moving and no one was really talking, one of the kids said to kind of his group, but no one really recognized it, but he said, this is a brown line train to my butthole. really recognized it, but he said, this is a brown line phrase to my butthole. I heard this call earlier. I still couldn't. I still think it's so funny.

Where's TV turned on in the middle of it? That was pretty good. Oh, that's a poltergeist. Also when you're a kid, butthole being the punchline daddy joke. Also when you're 34. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Butthole kind of falls out of favor as you enter adulthood.

Yeah, but still, if you hear kids do it, it brings you back. Oh, yeah, those butthole days. I love that Bruce Springsteen song. Butthole days. They'll pass you by. I met a new guy back in high school. They'll pass you by in the blink of a young brown eye.

Oh, well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Now, Charlie, you have the book. Yeah, which I would love if people would buy. The Horrors. The Horrors. By Charles Demers. A to Z of funny thoughts on awful things. And then in May, it's the A to Z.

You got it. And remind us again of where the book launch things are happening. The book launch for Toronto will be at Comedy Bar on November 5th with a just terrific lineup of performers. Mark Little, Pat Thornton, Ebony Rosen, Amanda Brooke Perrin, Arthur Simeon, and hosted by Steve Patterson. That is an outrageous lineup. It's a silly, silly show. It's a real gambit because the same thing happened at the Vancouver lunch. I put all the funniest people ahead of me and then I got to go read.

So it's good. It forces me to be in the place. And yes, you can get the book wherever books are sold in Canada and pretty soon next spring in the United States. But you can probably, guys, make the order online to America from Canada. I think you can. I think you can. Set that train. You guys have the power of Google.

Yeah. Oh, no, Dave. Turn into a toad. I'm sorry. I just. No, there he is. He's coming back. He's kissing. Princesses. He's burping is He's coming back He's kissing Princesses

He's burping He's burping On the phone I do kissy burps And And people can find you On Twitter Yeah and if you are

In the states And you're trying to order it And you just can't do it Hit me up on Twitter Like let me know And I'll see what I can do You're at I'm at

Charlie Demers. Yes. Charlie, regular spelling, Demers, D-E-M-E-R-S. Thanks so much for being our guest, man. Thank you for having me. It's always a great pleasure. It's such a treat. But they can also find you by Chitlin Demers and-

Churlia. Yeah, Chunk Demers. Chunk. Well, no. Chunk's more family and very close. Oh, that's right. Very close friends. Yeah.

Please don't presume Chonk. If we run into each other in the street or something, you know, keep a respectful distance from the Chonk. But you will, if people show up to the book launch in Toronto, you will sign from Chonk. I will sign from Chonk upon request. Yes. All right. Fair.

Fair. That's fair. That's all I want. Don't look at me. Dave, isn't that fair? Never look at me. Stop. If you like this show,

head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap of this episode, pictures and videos relating to the content of the podcast. Yeah, maybe one of those Goombas Guide books.

Yeah. What else did we talk about? Love Don't Cost a Thing. Oh, yeah. That whole, the whole... Well, I'm not going to put every goddamn video. No, no, but... Every goddamn video that I enjoyed.

I mean, there's no website big enough for all the videos that we enjoyed as youths. Yeah. Come on. A youth tube, if you will. Okay, well. I think Blink of a Brown Eye was the high note. I know. It was your recessive

Gene Simmons for the week. Oh man, if I had a... That would be a big yes, yes. And if you like the podcast, do tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.