Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 404 - Kathleen McGee

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

Comedian Kathleen McGee joins us to talk single dads, barfs, and the Kool-Aid movie.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 404 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the computer error message episode. Well, I'm faint, not found. And that robot voice you're hearing. I'm faint.

That's Dave Shumka. I'm Graham Clark. Oh, hi. And Dave's eating a strawberry donut? Rasp. Oh, sorry. He's eating a strawberry donut? Rasp. Oh, sorry. He's eating a strawberry donut? Fun. Yeah, fun dialogue.

Yeah, that's like a fun naked gun kind of joke. How's it going? Good, yourself? Oh, good. Good. And our guest today, very funny comedian uh you can catch her if you're in vancouver on december 16th the anza club miss kathleen mcgee thank you for having me guys thanks for coming on the show it's uh uh i've wanted to have you on the show for a while yeah

but i fought it dave fought it tooth and nail dave doesn't like that i don't like think his baby is perfect i'm just kidding his baby is perfect you can't tell i've't think his baby is perfect. I'm just kidding. His baby is perfect. You can't tell. I've never met his baby. Baby's sleeping right now. Which is perfect. That's my preferred state of baby. Sleeping. Goo goo goo goo. You know,

tickle monster. And then, what do you call it? Jolly jumper. Those are the preferred states of baby. I want an adult jolly jumper. Sure. I think they like, that's kind of like,

uh, yeah. Like it's like a trampoline, but without a trampoline, but you would need large trees. You, yeah, you would need real,

like a very high ceiling. Yeah. Like, I feel like there's probably some kind of CrossFit gym in an airplane. Oh, I'm sure that lets you do a jolly. I'm surprised that there isn't something like that that travels around from fair to fair. Oh, there's sort of that bungee

baby launcher. Baby launcher for adults or for children? It's always for kids. It's for adults. Really? Yeah. Have you ever seen it's like you go in this, it's kind of like you go in a circle thing with seats and you lock in and then they literally just catapult you. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen those videos where it's like two... Oh, goo goo! Oh, goo goo! No, no, I do not like!

And the other person's just like stone flat. Or one of them faints for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would terrify me if someone next to me just passed out and I'm like, they're dead! They're dead! Then you start going through their wallet. Let's get our story straight. You're talking to the carnies.

He said he could have his Toyota Tercel. The carnies do that once a day. They're like, don't worry, we know what to do. Did you see the one, there was a video maybe last summer of these people on one of those things before it launched. And one of the cables snapped and nobody noticed like as it was about to launch they didn't launch it they didn't launch it thank god but it was like like how long do we sit here i think that the reaction to it was weird too because like even the operator was just like oh okay you kind of walked over and they were just like sitting in there like, Oh, I don't think that was supposed to happen.

Is the ride over? Did we? There's a video of a couple, like getting like belted into a ride. And just before the ride goes off, the carny throws a bolt just at the thing. So it sounds like something's come disconnected and he goes, Whoa. And then they fly off.

It was pretty great aren't you pranking yeah I grew up in Edmonton and we had Klondike days which is the thing that's the same as Stampede the same as everything

that just like toured around and I remember it being so exciting because I was like oh my god rides it's like Disneyland comes to Edmonton

and like if you go now you're like this is the trashiest creepiest thing ever it's the dirtiest yeah it's for children but i remember like

we went on the children what's that one it's not the spaceship one where you stick to the walls it's the other one where it's like a tube and you stand in it and then it spins is it called the gravitron the one oh and then the floor drops out right so and and the bottom drops out yeah and you could watch people before you went on the ride. I remember my cousin convinced me after an hour of convincing because I was too scared to go on it. And let me just say I am an emetophobe, which is a fancy term for vomit. Uh-oh. I don't like watching people vomit, and I don't like vomiting myself.

So I remember we were watching this thing, and the ride stopped, and this lady, she looked really not well and then all of a sudden just spewed all over the ride and i like screamed and ran away i'm not going on this ride when you say the bottom drops out then the people then fall in no you stick to the wall you're stuck to the wall and like the bottom like opens up and it's like you're really stuck to the wall it drops like maybe four feet out like you're not it's not like gone for good and then like, you're really stuck to the wall. It drops like maybe four feet out. Like you're not, it's not like gone for good.

And then, and then you fall into the parking lot. Yeah. It just slowly slows down until people start spinning out of the ride. This is the most fun, but terrifying ride that we have. Guys, do we want to get to know?

Oh, absolutely. Now, Kathleen, to know oh absolutely now kathleen you just came back from like a monster tour like yeah how long how long were you gone for uh it's you make it sound longer than it was it was october 16th i left and then i just got back last wednesday which would have been like the end of november that's a long it was that's a long hitch. It was a lot of places too. Like I did Yellowknife, Halifax, St. John's. Yellowknife. What's Yellowknife like?

Yellowknife. That's in the Northwest Territory. Northwest Territories. Good job. Thanks. Well, I always get that and Whitehorse mixed up. Whitehorse is in the Yukon. Whitehorse I like better than Yellowknife have been to both.

And Whitehorse is really actually beautiful. Yeah. Yellowknife is like uh uh there's nothing to do there but drink oh yeah i get that sensation the farther north i go yeah it's like you're either on a snowmobile all the time and like going out in the woods and having adventures or you're getting drunken yeah and the people there are really fun like they want to have fun with you um like What does that mean? Well, this is what it means.

They say, would you like to go to the stripper? To one single. Yes, exactly. And I was like, oh, you mean the strippers? And they're like, no, it's just one stripper. She's also the bartender, so you can't get a drink while she's on stage. Which is, I'm not even embellishing this for humor purposes. It literally was that.

And she was really kind of scary. You have to be, to be the stripper in Yellowknife. Yeah. Like, I once went on a sort of a school tour. Yeah. And one of the towns we went to, oh, there's a stripper in town. Yeah. Like, touring.

Like. No, this wasn't a, was there like she was buff she didn't need a bouncer like you know guy would try to oh so she also was about bouncing girl bartender stripper she'll make you some hash browns if you stick around much she did it all wow she was very sweet, but it was a little scary. But yeah, there's that. And then there's a lot of bearded guys up there, which made me happy. Because I don't know if you, well, I knew, you probably know this. And so I am obsessed with bearded guys. It's a thing that I just can't handle.

Like if you have a beard, I'll overlook other flaws immediately. Like it doesn't, this is why I usually end up with guys that. In a biker gang. But yeah, it was fun. There was lots of bearded guys. It was fun, but Yellowknife is not a place I could live. What are they, miners up there? There's lots of diamond mines up there.

I met some gentlemen that were airplane mechanics. Okay. They're temporarily, they're temporarily until they can get their plane fixed. Yeah. That's right.

I went, and I was hanging out with those guys and I was with Kenny Robinson who's like this amazing legend in Canadian comedy and Kyle Jones

who's also a Vancouver comic and they were leaving to go back to the hotel and I was like, I'm going to stay with the engineers or whatever they are. Whatever they told me they are. And the hotel, and I was like, I'm going to stay with the engineers or whatever they are. Whatever they told me they are.

And then the next morning, Kenny was like, I'm just glad you did not get made into sausages. He thought I was going to die. Or made into, like, an airplane. Airplane. Made into a propeller. You just chopped me up. I'm testing the propellers. a propeller you just chop me up just i'm testing the propellers yeah it's not a lot of people think that it's scary for girls but if you're just if you're not idiot just don't be an idiot

yeah it's still scary for girls a little bit hashtag yes all women i guess i guess but i'm but i think i've like if you're a female comic that's been on the road a lot you have a lot more um you you've learned quickly i've learned a lot yeah because you uh you've been like going on these road tours for like how many years like at least eight years so you've seen all the things i've had like uh um hotels give away my room number to guys who said that they're my friends and then they knock on my door and i'm like this was in halifax i was like naked eating a donair because you can't eat a donair with clothes on i guess she'll ruin your clothes yeah yeah yeah but you can eat it like face down listen if you get your own fancy hotel room you can eat a donair naked if you want to but like just lie on

your stomach and eat it and then you'll just spill it on the floor. I guess. Like I've thought this through. Yeah, absolutely. Have you ever eaten a doner naked though? It is a wonderful feeling. No, I haven't. I don't know if I've eaten any food naked. What? Oh, I've eaten lots of foods naked. Yeah. Nothing,

no soups. No soups. Soup is a dangerous naked food. No soups, no stews. But you know, like just like yeah leftover pizza yeah a donair i think i wouldn't do because then i feel like then i'd have to have a shot like i feel to be like sauce everywhere but that's why like you do it because you just have a shower you don't have to wash laundry you You don't have to do laundry. Yeah, but washing my own body is harder than washing laundry. For real? Oh, man.

You hated that much? There's a lot of crevices. Oh, boy. But this guy came to my room. He's like, we were talking on Tinder, and I figured out where you were staying. I'm like, how did you figure it? Well, I guess because this is where I was doing yak yaks. And then I'm like, who gave you the number?

It's the front desk girl. And I'm like, what? You can to the front desk girl and I'm like what you can't yeah hotel staff needs to be trained a bit better that's happened to me twice the first time I was like

26 in Cranbrook and two guys came to my door and it was scary actually I was like I'm a new I was very scared yeah what's your

do you usually like a lot of celebrities will have a fake name that they use. I don't, I'm not a celebrity, so I don't have one. But if I. But you should. Like if people are coming to your room.

Yeah, that's true. Let's come up with a good fake name for you to check in on. Because I think, I believe Ellis Costello's was Napoleon Dynamite. Like long before the movie. And then like, who is the, there's a, uh, Jerry Seinfeld used one and they referenced it on Seinfeld.

Oh yeah. Uh, like Nipsey Russell or something like that. Oh, maybe. Yeah. Um, buck naked.

That's a pretty, well, like, yeah. What's a good, what's a, my cousin used to like At the bar

She'd put on a fake British accent And call herself Gladys Pocket And I always liked that name Gladys Pocket Yeah why not That's perfect

Maybe I'll do that for now Well now everyone knows Well just come up with Something off air but Okay Secretly It's gonna be Gladys Pocket That is

I would I have like always wanted To get to that level And how But how does that work Like do you have to register Like the hotel Cause you always have to Give a that level. And how does that work? Do you have to register the hotel? Because you always have to give a credit.

I think that you would just tell the front desk, if anyone is asking to see me, the people that say Gladys Pocket know to see me. If they're saying, I'm here to see Kathleen McGee, then I don't know them. Yeah, so you give out the name Gladys Pocket. That's like the password. It's a password to get to my room.

To the Donair Party. To the Donair Party. Didn't they die? Yeah, they died. But luckily they had that Donair. They got made into Donair Mead. That's the thing. That's how they ate them. That's a fun skit.

The Donair Party. The worst part of that is not the nudity. It's the donair. Because you're like, you don't even want to touch the doorknob. Yeah. Yeah. But that's the thing. That's why I was alone in my room doing this in private.

Did you open the door? No, I just like, like I opened it slightly. And then I was like, no, please don't. Yeah. Please, please don't do this. Go back in time and don't do this. But as far as Tinder etiquette goes. You don't just stalk someone.

No, yeah, you need an invite. Yeah. And it's hard because I'm a very honest person. So people are like, why are you in Halifax? And then I'll tell them. I tried to do this thing where I'm just a writer, and then they would ask me what I write, and I'd be like, I can't keep up this lie. What you have to do is you have to come up with a job

that's plausible and slightly interesting, but not interesting enough. On Tinder? Yeah. You need to do that. I have to get off Tinder. Yeah, maybe. That's what I need to do.

What would be that job? I think something that people would sort of ask no follow-up questions about would be consultant. Yeah, so when I come back from doing a show and I'm taking a cab from the airport. They always want to ask you. They always want to ask. So I say, oh, I was out of town for work. And they say, what do you do? And then I say, I'm a technical writer and they go what's that and i'm like i write uh instructions oh and they go like what do you mean i'm like you know you get something from

ikea you're just going this big but you've got you've got you've created a job that invites so many follow-up yeah like i don't want to follow-up questions. You're right. Consultant, but then they're like, what are you, consultant? Then you've got to. You just say IT. Oh, yeah. IT is good. Yeah, that's good. That's what all the guys on Tinder say they do.

Are they all lying to me? Well, they just don't want any questions. Yeah, that's true. They've just figured it out. Yeah, because no girls would be like, oh, that's interesting. Tell me more about IT. Now, on Tinder, do you put your comedian on Tinder? Yeah, I just finally did.

I don't know. What am I supposed to do? That's what I am. And the thing is, it's so hard dating. I just can't. I can't. I just can't find a guy that's just normal. Like a normal dude?

That will just be normal, that has a job, that doesn't have- Has a huge beard. Has a big beard, that doesn't have a bunch of kids. Seagull dads love me oh really oh my god so what like how soon

in the conversation does it is it revealed that the the dude is a single dad right up front like hey

some of them are really up front I've been on dates where all of a sudden they're like well I gotta pick up my two kids later I'm like oh okay thank you

yeah it's not that I don't want is that a weird reverse poop euphemism yeah I gotta go pick up the kids from the pool gonna go grab them gonna go grab them put them back where they came from I don't know

I just think single dads are into me and it's not that i am like it's not that i'm totally anti-child i just know that my maturity level my income level and the job that i do is not conducive to having children at this point in my life like i always said if like i had like successes and i was had stable money coming in i would have kids i like like kids. Yeah. But I just like, I don't. Well,

and it's also something different when it's not even, it's not your kid. It's not even the kids part that I, I don't like. It's that it's always, there's an X in it and she will always be there. And it doesn't matter how cool they say their X is. They're always not that cool. Who do you think the coolest X is?

Oh, I was going to say Jennifer Lopez, but that's probably not true at all. What do you mean? I don't know. She's a fiery Latina lady. Although, you know who's probably a shittier ex than Jennifer Lopez? Ben Affleck. I bet he's a

really shitty ex. He seems like a guy who should never have gotten married. Yeah, I think he's like a guy that should never have gotten married. Yeah. Yeah. I think he's like a Frank the Tank. Yeah. You know, like he needed to just always be out on the prowl. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you can't tame everyone. Yeah. When I was thinking of the worst exes, I could only think of X-Men. Yeah. Halle Berry is an awful ex. Who's the one? Is it Rogue no

who takes all your powers when she touches your face that would be a tough act and a Paquin yeah that's most exes yeah that's most exes

just like the stories that I hear about these women and like some of them have trapped these guys with babies and then I and I want to be like

a feminist and be like I appreciate all women but I fucking hate am I allowed to swear on this yeah, and I want to be like a feminist and be like, I appreciate all women, but I, I fucking hate, am I allowed to swear on this? Yeah. They really don't like women that manipulate like that.

Cause it wrecks it for the rest of us. But, uh, in defense of women, men are capable of wrecking it. I'm not saying that. No, no,

no. But I'm talking about in the, in the way of like, uh, uh, like getting into a relationship with somebody, like trapping with a baby. That's my biggest pet peeve is baby trapping. Oh, man, I hate, oh, boy, I've been trapped with so many babies.

Do you ever go on Tinder and you find out the guy's got a baby or a child, and are you ever like, put the kid on? I want to talk to the kid. I want to chat with the kid. No, I avoid contact with the kid no I avoid contact with the kids at all costs I don't want to meet a kid until like

I'm like I've dated this guy for like six months or something yeah no that's because it would be very weird what if his kid is like

hot no I was going to be like I couldn't think of like a talent kid like Shirley Temple yeah like Bobby Fisher?

Yeah. Can your kid teach me how to play chess? I got to pick up my genius kid. I don't like when guys have pictures of themselves with their kids on Tinder. Gross. Yeah, that happens a lot. That's weird. And I've seen women do that way more.

Like my ex is on Tinder too and he'll send me. Is he cool? Me and my ex are like like, the best friends ever. But he's, like, a cool ex. He's a cool ex. Very cool ex. Well, I have a feeling. What?

Well, I mean, a lot of people say they have cool exes, but it turns out that they're really a Ben Affleck. No, no, no. You know what? I think the reason why we're such good friends is because when we started dating was when I came back. I was in Los Angeles for like six months and I came back over Christmas or after Christmas to work. And then we just kind of hooked up at a party one night and we were just like, oh, this is gonna be a fun like week or two until you go back. And then I got turned away at the border. So I cried in his bed for a week.

And he was like, I just thought this was going to be a week long thing. Exactly. I just got to change the sheets. She keeps wetting them with her tears. But then like we just, so we just dated. And then, but we both knew that I didn't want to live in Edmonton. Like this was just a temporary thing. I know, but that's the city slogan.

Stop. I'm so tired of people trashing Edmonton. They've got a great mall. No, no, it's not even the mall. Nobody in Edmonton gives a shit about the mall. There are some little nooks and crannies. Now, that's not true. Well, some people do.

Some people do. But a lot of people hate the mall in Edmonton. Yeah, well, you got your White Ave. You got your Jasper Avenue. There's some cool little areas in Edmonton. It's like a cool, if you know the right people and the right places to go, it's a good city. I don't deny it's the worst place in the winter. That's why I moved to Vancouver. That's why Vancouver was chosen.

I would never live in Toronto again for the same reason. The weather in Toronto is disgusting. Summer and winter is awful. Yeah, extreme. Extreme conditions. Too hot, too cold. I know. But that fall. Oh, boy. Extreme conditions. Too hot, too cold. I know. But that fall.

Woo. Oh, boy. Yeah. Now, what does this ex do that has anchored him in Edmonton? Why does he just move out here and you guys live happily ever after? He has a 16-year-old daughter. Booyah. That's why he's anchored there.

And I'm fine with it. That's what happened. You really do have a type. I don't pick those ones, though. I don't know. I think single dads see me and like, this girl's fun. And she'll smoke pot with me. And she won't get mad if I smoke pot.

It'll be cool. Well, that is a type. It'll be cool, I guess so. I attract the wrong guys. I know I do. I know I do. And he's a bouncer. And stripper.

And stripper. And he has a magnificent beard. Yeah, I've seen photos of this gentleman. Yeah. I was playing guitar the other day, and I was thinking, like... Had a party. People were asking you to stop. Yeah.

Are you the acoustic guitar guy that shows up? Yeah, no, I moved into a... Does anybody want to hear Thriller? A freshman dorm. And like, hey, what's up? You want to hear Thriller? On acoustic guitar? Yeah.

I only know the Vincent Price part. The funk of 40,000 years and it's like what do you call that it's a kumbaya and thriller together mashup

yeah mashup yeah you do this part but I was thinking like the reason there's so many like bands nowadays

that make music for like dudes in their 30s oh yeah that have beards is because when you're like playing a banjo, looking down, you have like six chins. Yeah. You need a beard to cover that.

Oh, beards hide like, like I've seen pictures of guys when they've shaved and I've been like, oh my God. Yeah. I would never talk to you in real life. In real life, but in beard life. But in beard life, you are the hottest. Oh, I have beard life tattooed on my abs. You can't see it because of my long beard.

There's some guys that take the beard thing too far. And they're on Instagram. Yeah, this is in right here. You don't do that kind of stuff, though. Do you use beard oil? I did for a while. And you stopped? Yeah, I ran out of it.

And I was like, eh, I don't know. You can use coconut oil. Yeah, or all the Sikh dudes that I've talked to. They have the nicest beer. A little bit of olive oil. And that's all you need. Just a little dab of olive oil. But then you smell like you're constantly ready to cook.

Well, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Ladies like that. Somebody's ready to cook. Yeah, chefs are sexy too. Yeah, I could see. Yeah, that's true. Ladies like that. That's what... Somebody's ready to cook. Yeah, chefs are sexy too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I could see that.

Yeah. What chefs? Gordon Ramsay. Yeah. Guy Fieri. Not Guy Fieri. Come on. That guy, Mario Batali.

Sure. These are the sexiest chefs. All the ones on the... What's that? What's that? Anthony Bourdain is... What's the kid cooking show? Well, there's Chopped with Kids. Chopped Kids.

Chopped Kids. Chopped Kids. Chopped Kids. No, it's like MasterChef Junior. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Dalton Brown

or Alton Brown? Yeah. Alton. But he's not on that. No, yeah. That's Gordon Ramsay, right? Gordon Ramsay. There's a couple others.

I watched Chopped. It was a kid edition and the eldest kid What happens in Chopped. It was a kid edition. And the eldest kid. What happens in Chopped? You get a basket of ingredients and then you have to make a dish. Yeah. Just. I don't think with just those ingredients, but it has to include all those ingredients.

What gets chopped? The person. Oh. They're like, you're chopped. You're cut. You're out of here. Is it like, how does it go by episode? Your plan was disgusting. Or does it go by like a course of a meal there's like five people to begin with or four four yeah

there's four chefs to begin with they're all given the same basket and then whoever does uh kind of the weakest and they're eliminated goes appetizer but they do like yes have you seen the new bob and david shows on netflix yeah on Netflix yeah I saw the first one the spoof of Chopped no I forget it's really funny because like on Chopped

they like they do all these like like personal interviews like oh my so I'm doing this for my son he has like epilepsy and blah blah blah so Bob and David

did this thing where there's like I'm doing this to prove that single dads everywhere can still do stuff and then the next to him is like I can't remember what his thing is and then the third the woman is a where there's like, I'm doing this to prove that single dads everywhere can still do stuff. And then next to him is like, I can't remember what his thing is.

And then the third, the woman is a, she's, I'm deaf. And like, so it's like, they keep one-upping and then the single dad is always like, oh, my kids are going to die. And I mean,

because he just, I do remember. Like, it's like a total, but that's just the way like all those shows are. And that's the way single dads are. I don't want to disparage single dads, but, yeah, I've just been around a lot of them. Of course, they're your type.

Stop. What is he doing? He's being condescending to me. No, not at all. No, no, I'm being cool. He's being cool. He's being a cool dad. I watched this Chopped Kids last night that can't be

what it's called chopped kids edition chop a kid chop it's something about kids and one of the kids and i laughed so hard and i shouldn't have because i don't know if the if her dad lived or died i don't know but she went when when she was telling her story of why she's on chopped she said my dad fell off a ladder i was like oh man so now i gotta provide for the family because my dad fell off a ladder i was just like oh man like that's it's not the funniest thing like but what if your what if your dad died like an elephant sat on your dad's head how would that happen i don't know he's like working at the circus zookeeper dad lived a dangerous life you're like you're saying why you're on the show and it's just like

the funniest reason the funniest funniest tragedy like my dad got run over by a blimp. Monster truck ran over my dad's penis. Would that kill a man? Certainly. Slow him down. It's a start.

It would kill him on the inside. Oh, sure. Have you watched the... I do like the MasterChef Junior, the one with Gordon Ramsay. Yeah. He's very nice to the inside. Sure. Have you watched the, my, I do like the MasterChef Junior, the, the one with Gordon Ramsay. Yeah. Yeah.

He's very nice to the children. Well, yeah, because what is he going to call them? Like, fucking morons. Yeah, crouton.

You're a crouton. And the kids are going to be like, it's like, I'm at home. I don't like this show. My dad fell off a ladder. But he can just turn that on and off. He is apparently a really nice guy, and that's all for show.

But also, he's a passionate man. He's a single dad. It's irresistible. We do not need to call this episode the single dad episode. But there were parts where the judges, you know, these were 10-year-old kids. On Baby Chopped? On Baby Chopped. Baby Chopped. Baby Bok Choi Chopped. There were parts where the judges, you know, these were 10-year-old kids. On baby chopped? On baby chopped. Baby chopped.

Baby bok choy chopped. Do they have to use only baby-sized food? Oh, that would be the best. Baby corn. Baby corn. No other example. Yeah. Mini carrots.

Do they ever make, like, peanut butter and jelly? It's just like some slacker kid. One kid who obviously is like, yeah, I made peanut butter and jelly and then I used a cookie cutter to put it in the shape of a Christmas tree. Well, yeah, it wouldn't be a surprise. They're children. Like, what would you do? That's when the judges like that they have to go like, oh, it would have been nice if

they had, you know, blanched this or whatever. I'm like, what kids, kids can't blanch. The amount of knife work that the kids are trusted with. That's scary. How old are these kids? The eldest was 11. What? And the youngest was 9.

Wow. 9, 11. Yeah, exactly. You see where I'm going with this. Did you see the great grandma cook-off? It was like a thing. I watched it on the plane. Oh, this sounds great.

It was the best. They cooked their grandmas after they got run over by a reindeer? Yes, yes. It was very difficult to get some of them in the pans. Some of those grandmas are big. Some of them are small, but some are big. No, they were... Grandmas come in all sizes.

That's a good book. Yeah, it's a dove commercial. Some grandmas are big. Some are small, but some are big. Let's focus dove commercial. Some grandmas are big. Some are small, big. Some are big. Let's focus on them. But this was like, it was like these grandmas came in and they were doing Thanksgiving themed things. Right.

And the one that won was like this bigger lady from Louisiana, big white hair, just so funny. I'm like like this woman better get her own cooking show because they'd be like they'd be like tasting the food and they'd be like well there's a little

too much salt in this and then she's like meh probably she was just like meh I don't give a she's like it's probably disgusting I don't care I don't care

and then she won and it was the best and I wish I could remember her name right now like the food wasn't great but her attitude she was she won because of like how she was well you eat you know It was the best, and I wish I could remember her name right now. Like, the food wasn't great, but her attitude was out of this world. She won because of, like, how she was.

Well, you eat with your eyes first. Yeah, that's what they always say. And then you eat with your ears when you hear the chef criticizing the food. Or when you hear somebody else. I hate hearing people eat. Yeah. Not fun. No, it's not fun.

And it's kind of weird that we eat together as people. We should all just eat alone in shame? Yeah, I don't know. That's how I usually eat, naked in my hotel room. Naked and afraid. Yeah. That's how I eat, naked and afraid. That's why, like, Jim, my ex ex thinks that the government watches him masturbate

because on his camera whose job is that that's what I said I'm like you think that taxpayer dollars are going towards us and I'm like look at the government

even if the government wanted to watch him masturbate number one it's less lonely but like even the new government now it's more artistic this government

is more artistic so they might actually be watching. Yeah, yeah. But I just don't want them to watch me eat in front of my laptop. Because the way

your face looks when you eat is horrifying. Just put a band-aid over your camera. Like how often are you using your camera? But that's what he did.

But I was like why is that there? And he goes because I don't want the government to watch me drink. Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll get a magazine. Yeah, I'm going want the government to watch me jerk off I'm like yeah I guess like you're right I'll get a magazine yeah I'm going off the grid you're like searching on some like porn one day you find satellite surveillance of yourself yeah that is a nightmare hot government porn

hot government porn oh it's totally but it's we joke but there's absolutely guys who have put videos of them and their girlfriends

that their girlfriends do not know about. Yeah, but that's super illegal now. It should be. It is. It's super illegal. There's this big thing now

that if you share a nude picture of someone without their consent, you can be charged with a criminal thing. Good, good. Yeah, that seems like

it's weird that that was ever not on the books as a law, but. Well, you know, cause it took a while cause I, smartphones were new and then all of a sudden all this stuff. Now everybody's snapping pictures of everything,

sending it to people. That's true. Yeah. I like, it's weird when you see someone with their phone out in the bathroom and you're like, this is where the penises are in the bathroom. And you're like, this is where the penises are. Yeah. This is in the bathroom.

This is where most of our swiping and wiping happens. Yeah. And there's some restaurants and bars that have unisex bathrooms. I hate that. Well, especially now if you can bring your phone anywhere. Yeah, that's true. I hate that because guys piddle on the floor. Yeah,

but also like, they do. They dribble all over the floor. I'm just making the word piddle. I know. That's what puppies do. Oh, you should put,

if it's a unisex bathroom, they should put newspapers on the floor. They should also, dogs should be allowed too. Oh, absolutely. Unispecies bathroom. So it's like a urinal and then a toilet

and then a fire hydrant. Everyone is included here. Yeah, everybody is allowed. Oh, I hate that. In our one gross closet. And then you open up the fire hydrant, clean everything. You just turn on the water.

The floor gets... That's at the end of the night. But then all these kids come running in. It's hot outside. Yeah, sure. Fine. Why not? Let's play in the urine. Well, anyone playing in the street is playing in urine anyway. Is there just urine filling the streets everywhere?

I mean... I guess dog pee. And if you're in a city where people are like dancing around a fire hydrant, that stuff's been peed on. Yeah, that's true. That is true. There's more pee everywhere than we realize. And also, I was like talking to somebody last night, and I was like, well, when you think about North America

or the Western world in general, you always say like that's the developed world. We're ahead. We're with the terrorists. Yeah, exactly. But access to public bathrooms is not like is not what I would expect a forward thinking, you know, society. To think of. Yeah, like between here and downtown, I can only think of one public bathroom. Oh, society. To think of. Yeah. Like I, we like between here and downtown, I can only think of one public bathroom.

Oh, okay. Don't they have outdoor ones here now too? They have like these super scary pods that you can go in. They had those when I was in, in grade nine, I went to France with my grade nine class and they had like outdoor public toilet things

and you paid like, I don't know, 10 francs, you just go in. But they would just open after 15 minutes. Oh, so you really had to be on your game. You had to be on your game,

or. What game is this? It's 15 minutes long. Well, I don't know. I know some dudes that take a while in the bathroom, but this is like for peeing purposes. But give them a deadline.

Yeah. Like, I worked fast for the deadline and it would count down 15 minutes in open time you're just you're just just dancing

in front of them you're just with a shirt off pooping on the toilet in the middle of Paris what a beautiful city oh dare to dream what a beautiful city

but yeah just be Charlie just be BP pretty good okay pretty good we've had we've had some we've had a lot But yeah. Just be Charlie. Just be PP. Pretty good. Okay. Pretty good. We've had a lot of fun here today.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, Kathleen's not going to like this. I like it. Well, a couple days ago, my baby Mar, had her first just like throw up all day event. Oh, no, I don't like this. This is another reason why I'm really terrified to have children because I see the horror stories on Facebook. My kid

puked everywhere and people have been posting pictures now. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, if you can catch it the moment it comes out, it's a pretty good snap. What happened? Were you there? Was your wife there? Yeah, I was.

I bore the first brunt of it. Yeah. Was it one of these, I'm doing, you're the airplane? No, no, no. And then it's like, fuel dump. Oh, God. That's my nightmare. That's my nightmare.

I'll try to keep this as tasteful as possible. It was just like a lot. It was just a whole day. It was just a whole day. It's like a fire hose, right? No, it wasn't. It was sort of just like opening her mouth and then just dropped out. She wasn't even like, she didn't even notice herself being sick. Like she was in a good mood and then barfed and then was still in a good mood.

Oh, yeah. While it was happening, she's like, what is this? What is happening? But like, we didn't throw her off her game at all. Yeah, I wish I had that. If I throw up, that's the day. Oh, fold up shop. But.

We're going home. We're done here. What ended up happening was after the entire day of this, well, by the end of the day, she was like, I'm done throwing up. Yeah, yeah. Her good mood was over why does this keep happening and when i was like because i keep giving you yogurt oh really no uh what did you yeah that's it's just the weirdest like you can't communicate with the person really and like how old is she she's 14 months okay so you can't be like you can't

have any food right now we We're just giving you liquids. Yeah, yeah. Clear liquids. Clear liquids so we can figure out what's going on. Yeah. And then a few days later, it was my birthday. Yep. Happy birthday, Dave.

Yeah, Graham got me this Taylor Swift birthday card. I approve. I approve. And I don't know why it gets better than... And a great, just hang out with my family all day, went out to a nice dinner, ate too much. And then I haven't eaten too much in... I remember when I was a kid, I would just go nonstop. And then like I'd feel full and I'd still eat. And also it's worth noting that when Dave eats,

he eats so fast. Yeah. You're a fast eater. Yeah. Like he'll be done before everybody's halfway through. I get a lot of attitude from waiters and waitresses who are like, they come by to check on your meal. Like,

oh, how is everything? And I'm done. And then, then they have to be sassy at me. Right. Oh yeah. Like when they're like, they come by to check on your meal, like, oh, how is everything? And I'm done. And then they have to be sassy at me. Right. Oh, yeah. Like when they're like, how's the first few? But what?

So you liked it then? No, this is just the speed I eat. Yeah, yeah. And then, so yeah. But like, I haven't done that in years where I'm full and I continue to eat. I do that once a week. Me too.

Yeah. And then the rest of the night, I was just like, I got to go to bed. Yeah. Lying in bed and then trying to fight it off. And then, yeah. You barfed too? Yeah. Oh, no.

Yep. Family barf. The family that barfs together. Good Lord. This is the puke house. I know. The family that scarfs together barfs together. That's true!

We did it! Yeah, so it's just been, just that, like, feeling of fighting it and then... See, I will fight it to, like, extreme. Like, I will just sit there in pain and I will swallow and, yeah, it's just...

And, yeah, I'm... I can't do it. I don't swallow barf i did once i was i started to get sick i'm like nope this is not anything and i know i know that you'll feel better what yeah i know i'm the same way like the the reasoning of just like but it's so unpleasant but the only thing that really makes it okay is that abby my wife uh will, she'll recap it for me the next day. She'll tell me how loud it was. The swearing that I do. While I'm fighting it off,

I'll just sit there being like, oh no, oh God. Nobody likes, well, I've heard people, I like it. You like throwing up? What's wrong with you? That's not weird, though.

A drunk throw up is different than a sick throw up. If someone is drunk around me and they barf, it's gross, but I can handle it. But if it's someone that's like, I know they're sick, I'm like, okay, now I'm going to get sick. That's a thing. I think I was traumatized, too, as a little kid because I was the kid that was easy to barf. What does that mean? Well, I'm easy to barf. No, she was voted easiest to barf what does that mean well i'm easy to know she was voted easiest

guys weren't that into me um but no like apparently i had a short esophagus if that's a thing a short esophagus gentlemen headline tinder when i was kid, it was a problem. But now I'm the most popular girl in the world. I don't know why. But I used to like, if I would get upset, I would barf. Like one time we were walking through the giant mall in Edmonton. And we were going to meet my mom at Canadian Tire.

And I was with my dad and my brother at the other end of the mall. And it's a big mall. And my dad's like six foot five. He's big long legs and he was moving fast and I was this chubby little probably about seven year old and I was trying to keep up and I just started crying because I couldn't keep up and I'm like I have short legs and then uh we get into the Canadian tire and I'm bawling and bawling and bawling I just barfed everywhere or like I got sent to my room once

and I had one of those cries where you know when you're a kid and you're just like you're crying so hard you're gagging I had that kind of cry and I was like

I hope my mom and dad get hit by a train or something like that I hope my dad's penis gets squished by a monster shark. That's what I've always wanted for a man. I hope my dad falls off a ladder.

And I puked all over myself. And I sat in my puke until my mom came and got me. And then she felt so bad. Well, she comes and she goes, my God, what happened? I'm like, I puked. And then she goes, why didn't you come get me? I'm like, you told me not to move. Because kids take everything literally.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like kids and robots. Yeah. Kids and robots. Yeah. Because kids don't develop sarcasm until they're way later on.

That's why I think if I had a kid, I would have very sarcastic children. Yeah. Because I'm very sarcastic. You teach them to eye roll. Oh, yeah. Oh, they learn that. sarcastic. You teach them to eye roll. Oh, yeah. Oh, they learn that. My five-year-old nephew eye rolls.

And I remember when I would eye roll, it would make my mom mad. But when he does it to me, I'm like, I know why she hated it so much. It's the most obnoxious thing ever. I know. You're five. You don't know shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you think that joke was shit? I'll show you some shitty jokes. Oh, he told me. I'll give you something to eye roll about. He told me I wasn't being very funny, and I was like, excuse me? Yeah. Your aunt is it for a living. She is funny all the time.

Oh, man. But, yeah, so we've had the house has just had like- Filled with barf. Well, did your wife get sick too, or was yours just a food related? No, mine was probably the fact that I had a bunch of barf on me. Yeah. I just went and saw The Room. You know, not The Room, Room.

The Room is that really bad one. But Room is the one about the girl that got abducted and then she had her abductor's baby. Oh, yeah. Was that a spoiler? No. It's a real life thing. Even on IMBB, it says that they get out eventually. It's part of the movie.

But there's a part where she's trying to figure out a way to get the guy to take the kid out so that the kid can run because he's five. And so she puts this hot cloth on his forehead to make him look like he has a fever. And then she starts gagging herself and she pulls barf out and puts it on him. She goes, he's like, what are you doing? And she goes, I have to make you smell sick. And I was just like, oh, this is horrifying. Yeah, I don't like hearing it. And I've been talking about it for 10 minutes.

It's really, really bad. But it was a good movie. But boy, was it. Like, I was going to go do a comedy show after. And I was after that. I was like, no, I'm going to go do a comedy show after and I was after that I was like no I'm going to go home and be glad I wasn't abducted when I was 17

I hate it when I'm on Tinder and I find out the guy's got a kid with a woman he's abducted yeah those are the worst dads yeah and usually

for a long time my Tinder profile was just that picture of a kid from Stand By Me puking are you still on Tinder? no no it's hard to a picture of a kid from Stand By Me puking. Are you still on Tinder?

No. No. It's hard to... I hung up a non-champion. Yeah, it's not a fun place. Yeah. Anyway, the house has been covered in... Vomit. Not vomit.

Towels. Like, every... The couch has just got towels all over it. In case she barfs on them? Yeah, I think we're past it, but we had a few days of just like, let's just keep them down for a while. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And like everything we had planned, it was

like, well, we're skipping swim lessons. Oh, yeah. You don't want to have the kid that pukes in the pool. No, that's true. I don't want to be the guy who pukes in the pool. No, that happened. You eat so much food before you go in the pool. You deserved it. I was at a pool where a kid pukes in the pool. No. That happened. You eat so much food before you go in the pool. You deserved it. I was at a pool where a kid puked in the pool.

It was horrifying. Okay. You brought all this up. I know. It's true, Dave. You know what else I brought up? My dinner. Where did you eat?

It's not important. It was a great place. Yeah. Included in your Yelp review. Great food. Ate too much. Puked all over myself. I blame the fluid.

It wasn't food poisoning. It was so good. I ate so much. Yeah, I ate so much. Well, it wasn't food poisoning. Abby and I, it was like a share meal, and we shared food. Yeah. She's fine.

Oh, well, we wish her the best. Yeah, it's just been, I wish I hadn't gotten this graphic, but it's been. Have you got a flu shot? Yeah. You had a flu shot. You still got the best. Yeah. It's just been a I wish I hadn't gotten this graphic but Have you got a flu shot? Yeah. You had a flu shot you still got the flu. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. The flu is the worst. It's fine. Yeah. But you had like it was like a 24 hour deal. Yeah. Yeah.

In and out. That's the way you want. 24 hour fitness. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I get fit. Yeah. In 24 hours.

Your abs. Oh, my God. I know, right? What's that from Devil Wears Prada? I'm like, I'm one stomach flew away from my goal weight. It's true. Nothing works quite as well. Oh, yeah.

I love getting sick that way. That's the one thing. If I'm going to barf, well, at least I know. Why can't we move? I don't know. It's just, it's a relatable topic you know what it is it's my emetophobia

that once I start talking about it I can't I'm messed up I'm messed up here what's your phobia that you can't stop talking about Graham

homophobia Dave Graham Dave how dare you yeah what are you he's heterophobia what's your phobia

do you have a phobia do you have a phobia do we discuss your phobia do you have a phobia what do you mean oh I don't know are we going round robin on phobias no but I'm not gonna

I am curious to know what your phobia is I didn't know you were allergic to nuts and I brought a nut covered donut yeah but that's not a phobia as so much as a

well it is fearful definitely it is fearful. Definitely. It is fearful. I'm not... I don't think I'm... I don't think that any of my fears fall into the irrational category. Sorry, irrational or rational?

Irrational. Okay. Like, I don't like heights, but that's because you can fall from them and maim yourself. Yeah. But like balloons or tinfoil, you're not terrified of. No, nothing like that.

There's no. I don't need to bring out a man covered in cotton swabs. Those were the best episodes of Maury and he never does them anymore. Yeah. All he does is. The paternity test. The paternity test. And like I was talking with someone last night about Jenny Jones.

Remember Jenny Jones? Yes. But I never remembered this character. She had a guy on that was called Rude Jude. Did you ever remember Rude Jude? Rude Jude was a guy who came on and literally they'd bring out ladies and the topic was like, I don't care what people say, I think I look fabulous. And then Rude Jude would come out and he'd make fun of all the and he you know he's best job in hollywood yeah and then he

they had like i watched the best of rude jude on youtube um and he did a thing where he's on a green screen somewhere and he appears on like the girl's shoulder as the devil shut up that's amazing it is so funny and then he's just like zinging them what's he his uh aesthetic himself is he like i am picturing a guy in a like a leisure suit no he's like uh he would he came up uh he grew up in detroit at the same time as eminem oh whoa this was that late yes yeah so he. So he was a contemporary and knew Eminem. He knew Eminem? Yeah, he was like a white- And he let him dress like that?

Yeah. Classic Rude Jude. Is there like a fake Rude Jude in 8 Mile? Well, Mark Wahlberg bought the rights to Rude Jude's autobiography. Shut up. And yes, is turning it into like a la Entourage series. For real? Mark Wahlberg bought the rights to Rude Jude's autobiography shut up and yes is turning it into a

like a la Entourage series for real for real Rude Jude is back with the toon

what about the Drill Sergeant episodes when there's like bad teenagers that was the best and there's a there's a segment

where Rude Jude dresses up as a Drill Sergeant comes out and insults people there was one that was really sad though it was like

I think it was like an 8 or nine-year-old boy, and he was a little shitty kid. And the drill sergeant was yelling at him, and he was like, you've got to respect your elders. He's like, do you want me to be your father? And he was like, yes. And the guy was like, uh, why would you want me to be your father? Because I don't have one.

Oh, my God. Because root juice. Because I don't have one. Oh my God. Because Root Juice. Because he fell off a ladder. And then his dick got run over. A monster. A real open set on his head. Yeah, yeah. He fell down.

It was the most tragic death ever. Most hilarious death ever. It was all over BuzzFeed. Graham, what's going on with you? Spiders, that's what I'm afraid of. Oh, spiders. Oh, spiders are scary. And this is a bad town to be scared of spiders.

Yeah, well. They're all over the place. I'm ruthless. You live on the edge. I was in Winnipeg all last week. Oh, yeah. Sick as a dog. Oh, no.

Yeah, so on the road like cold sick though not yeah yeah like super uh chest cold like to the point that i couldn't get through whole sentences without going into like a hacking fit so that's great for doing an hour of comedy oh no rumors yeah yeah so it was like the week was fine. It all worked out. I spent all my time just lying in bed feeling awful. But you could whisper those shows because it's rumors. Yeah. Yeah.

Psst. Yeah. That was so dumb. I'm sorry. Have you heard about Sarah Palin? Graham does a lot of political jokes from seven years ago. You have to go to rumors and just do a bunch of rumor jokes. Have you guys heard this one?

Have you guys? Yeah. And I, yeah, like I survived it. Because, you know. Because you're a survivor. You're not going to give up. You're God. I'm going to work harder.

We need lots of chowder. Have you ever had to go on the road and be sick as a dog? I was. I did a three-month tour at the beginning of the year, and I stayed with my old roommate, Allison Dorr, in Toronto. And I was like, I got in on April Fool's Day. Or did you? I did. April Fool's.

Joking. I'm not really here. Actually, I've been at the airport all day. April Fool's. Joking. I'm not really here. Actually, I've been at the airport all day. No one's picked me up. I got a ride in a limo with a kangaroo that day. And that is not an April Fool's thing. I just have this eccentric, awesome dude in Toronto that likes to give me limo rides with weird things. Kangaroo drove.

Yeah. Drove right into a pool. I was feeling really sick when I got there. And then I got some sort of stomach thing. It was not coming out the front end. Don't worry. But it was just like. That's not better.

No. Like, this is gross. But like, I couldn't get it going for a week. Like, I lost 10 pounds. I couldn't eat anything. I didn't know what was. I thought I was dysentery. And were you having to do shows this whole time?

Yeah. And you know that bubbly feeling. It's terrible. It's a terrible feeling. It's hard when you're sick doing a show when you're sick yes is the craziest feeling because everybody there this is their night yeah out and uh and the whole time you're on stage you're just like you're fucking sweat like i sweat through my shirt yeah the first night i was like i don't know how like sweat was getting in my eyes like i was like i feel like i sweat through my shirt yeah the first night i was like i don't know how like sweat was getting in my eyes like i was like i feel like i'm dying you wear a headband have you

ever missed a show because you were sick what's that have you ever missed a show because you're sick no me neither i've never missed a shot and i like i want to never miss a show but like but you know you're talking about paid shows you would skip out on a oh oh on a spot yeah yeah yeah but yeah like there's kind of nothing you can do if you've booked a week somewhere. Yeah. And you get sick like the day or two days before you go. You can't cancel. What did you take?

Did you take any remedies? I just cough syrup, like constantly cough syrup just to just to keep it so that I could talk. And so you get turnt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. There are two things I learned about sickness. Because I use cold effects. And a lot of people say it's a placebo.

But I don't think it's a placebo. I've used it and it goes away. But also, a friend who's a homeopath, which I know is your biggest fear. I don't like this rumor that you're trying to start. No, he's a homeopath. He's a homeopath. I think I was afraid of clowns until I remedied it this summer. By having sex with them.

I did emergent therapy. You had sex with a clown? No, I did. I went on a date with one, though. What? Yeah. Was she in makeup? Yeah, two of them.

What? Yeah, and they were both in makeup. What happened? We went for a milkshake. Shut up. That's the coolest ever. And I just, I really did a lot of clown immersion therapy. Yeah.

I'm not scared of clowns anymore. Well, I don't ever want to do vomit immersion therapy. That's never going to happen. You're going in the tank. Maury. Terrible. Terrible. Rude you.

But take, this is what the homeopath said Overdose on vitamin D And I don't mean like Take some vitamin D Like the literal pill Vitamin D Overdose on it Just take like six a day

Oh really And like You can't like If your body doesn't use it It'll just pee it out Right So nothing bad will happen But it really worked

Because that's what happened to me I had a really sore throat And so I just took a ton of vitamin d more than normal and um she's balancing between real and yeah exactly it's the only vitamin that they give to you in inches i took it as a suppository. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yuck. So you were sick. I was sick.

It was great. And then meanwhile, I'm in Winnipeg and I get this Facebook message from a guy whose name is Graham Clark. And he has Facebook messaged all of the Graham Clarks on Facebook and created this. He's like, hi, my name is Graham Clark. I noticed there aren't that many of us on Facebook. So I thought I'd send a message to all the Graham Clark. And then the whole week I was just in this like huge conversation thread. With a bunch of Graham Clarks? Yeah, from like all over the world, all different.

Who was the coolest Graham Clark? Graham, I think. Yeah, he was pretty cool or mr clark or dr yeah there was a guy who was like a graphic designer in new zealand he seemed pretty cool that's cool yeah i saw something like this with a different name i've heard somebody do this before too yeah and it was just immediately everyone leaves the conversation this is the fucking worst no it was like at first i was like oh i don't i don't get what this is but then i looked at all the names and i was like oh this is fun and then everybody like everybody on the thread got into it and they're like what what does everybody what do all the grams do and what

are they doing right now and like what time is it where you are? It was always so much fun. That's so much better than like getting that message. I saw your face on Facebook and I am so into meeting you. Yeah, yeah. I am interested in product integration with you. Do you want cheap shoes? Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

I know somebody who married somebody with the same last name and they made sure there was no way that they were related. But so she didn't have to change her last name. That's pretty good. That's why they got married? No. I mean, it was a bonus. It was easier.

That's true. No more monogram changes. Oh, yeah. So all of your monogramming can stay the same. That is like a big expense for me. Monogramming? Yeah, well, no, but having them changed. Going back down to my...

Well, you're a man, so you're never going to have to. Oh, well, I'm... I was going to say emasculated. Yeah, you're emasculated. But I mean like, you know, open-minded. You're emancipated. I'm emasculated. I took my wife's last name. I'm totally emasculated. But I mean like, you know, open-minded. You're emancipated. I'm emasculated. I took my wife's last name.

I'm totally emasculated. That's what I meant. Yeah, no. Yeah, I go down to my monogram guy. Yeah. He's like, what will it be this time? What's your monogram guy's name? What will it be, Mr. Jimcat?

His name is Herfe it be, Mr. Shumka? His name is Herfe. Yeah, Herfe. He's French. He's from Transylvania. He's from Transylvania. His name is Vlad. Oh, good to see

you, Mr. Shumka. We've got some new things. We have a new thread for you. We got a new thread. We have a new thread for you. We got a new thread. We're very gold. It's a gold thread. Very exciting. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you know that monogramming

is huge in the States, though? What do you mean? I worked for a call center for Neiman Marcus, which is like a... So I went to Neiman Marcus on a shopping spree. Yes, that one! I got honey and Mia. And those kind of ladies would call all the time. Blue Cantrell?

They would call and say... Well, monogramming was huge. Like, everyone would get towels and they would always get them monogrammed. Really? Everyone would get monogrammed stationery, monogrammed everything. Like, monogramming is huge in the States. With rich people. Yeah, I think it's huge everywhere with rich people. Do you have anything monogrammed stationary monogrammed everything like monogramming is huge in the states with rich people yeah i think it's huge everywhere with rich people do you have anything monogrammed uh no i had a sweater with the letter m on it but i got an old navy and it just happened to be

have an m there i would have taken a k more than oh yeah i got a yeah i got a keychain says dave on it does that count yeah i have a pair of pajamas that are monogrammed. Just because. Does it say Esquire underneath? Yeah, it says DSS Esquire. DSS. And then.

That sounds like a submarine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The DSS. We all live on the DSS Esquire. Yeah, we all live on

the DL on the DSS Esquire on Sequest SUV. Sequest DSV? No, SUV. Yeah. Where the dolphins drove around in the desert.

In a Nissan Pathfinder. I always had a joke that I thought was funny, but it never went on, that there was a show called Law and Order SUV, and it's just a bunch of rapes, jeeps, and jeeps, and like,

vans raping each other. I mean, it took a while to get there, but I think we're glad. We got there. I think we're glad that you did. We got there. I do it when took a while to get there. We got there. I think we're glad that you did. We got there. I do it when I'm having a silly set. Yeah. Silly sets. Silly sets are the best.

You spray everybody in the front row with a silly string. Guess what kind of set this is going to be? Wagga wagga. Don't you ever have those where you just like the crowd is so fun you get into a silly mood? I often end up having silly sets when the crowd is not with me on something. Yeah, that too. And then I'll just keep going in like, like, especially if a crowd gives me nothing on a joke.

I'm like, more of this joke. Yeah, I've got to say more punchline. I tend to get even dirtier. Really? If I know a crowd is not into me because my act is very dirty, I'll get like filthy and I'll be like, oh, you're like that? We're going to talk about Bukkake now. Oh. I do silly stuff like that.

Yes, the Japanese art of puppetry. Puppetry. Brother. Brother. Do we want to move on to overheard? Fine. Fine, okay. Do we want to move on to overheard?

Fine. Fine, okay. Hi, I'm Lisa Hanawalt. And I'm Emily Heller. And if you're not listening to our podcast, Baby Geniuses, you're missing out on stuff like... Kamil Nanjiani solving the Zodiac murders. Who's like, would you ever go to a friend and you're like, hey, could you lick all these envelopes for me?

You'd be like, you're a serial killer. Definitely, I'm leaving right now. Guy Branum talking about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And it was just a great moment of like, oh no, I'm here, boys. Like, I'm on this side of the bench. Megan Amram talking about intimidating baristas. Just feel like they're always in character.

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We got this we got this overheard overheard uh segment where we uh the people hear the things from the people and then report them back to the people and we always like to start with the guests okay and you you said you got you got a whopper. I have a whopper. All right. I've wanted to tell this story for a long time because it was pretty, I took a greyhound from Calgary to Edmonton. Yeah. That's a fine route.

This was pre-beheading, I think. Oh, no, I think this was just right after beheading. But isn't there, there's the, what do you call it? The red arrow? The red arrow. Yeah. I think I, I didn't know. The red arrow is just like a direct The red arrow. The red arrow. Yeah. I think I, I didn't know. The red arrow is just like a direct super nice bus.

Leather seats. Yeah. Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi. It goes between Edmonton and Calgary. Yeah. Yeah. But I was on this Greyhound bus and I was sitting in front of these two dudes.

And from what they were talking about, I was like, oh, they're just two guys that were on the rigs. They're going back to their girlfriends. Because one of them said said called my old lady and told her to get her nails done i'm coming home and i was like giggling and then it turned out that they were like just released from prison in lethbridge oh so then they were talking about like all this prison stuff and i remember i was live tweeting everything that they were saying. And I remember it was just like, I was a little scared, but very intrigued. And I was trying to listen.

But you know, when you're trying to listen, you don't want people to know that you're listening. Especially former inmates. You keep holding their hand up to your ear and you're like, oh, no, this is a medical. Yeah. I just need to, my doctor said I need to put a glass up to my ear. I really wanted to get in on the conversation asking what they did but they were like talking about uh being in jail we didn't do it yeah but they were they like oh that sucked when we're in jail oh boy so happy

i'm out yeah i'm glad i'm out this is that just this maybe isn't a big whopper that i thought it was gonna be but i just remember that line like i, like, a tomboy lady get her nails done. Get her nails done. Coming home. So I think that might be why I always get my nails done. I wonder what it's like.

Maybe now, like, I think guys like a nice nail. But like, guys do like a nice nail. Like, do guys notice nails?

And a prisoner likes a nice nail file. Oh yeah, sure, bake it into a cake. Maybe that's why they like nails because they're like,

this bitch has got files Yeah Bitch has got files What Like if you've been In prison for 10 years Yeah You wouldn't know

What Twitter is So someone could live tweet What you're doing And you'd be like What is this Bugged computer Yeah Why

Do you want to be ICQ friends? How long has this guy been friends? Yeah, they revert back to. But I think one of them had actually been in prison a few times and he had said something like, it's getting better there. It's getting better. It makes them, they've taken my suggestions in the suggestion box. Yeah.

Good. Good. Good. Yeah. It can't be easy. No. They're not all bad people. No, they're not.

Well, that's kind of why they're there. You are a bad person if you go to prison. Well, not necessarily. What if you didn't do it? Yeah. Well, then you got a bad lawyer. Yeah, absolutely. Well, not everyone can afford a good lawyer.

That's true. That's true. Look, I'm on the side of all the convicts. Yeah. I'm afraid of spiders, but I love convicts. Yeah. Dave's done a lot of shows in prison. He did Folsom Prison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. We did a live podcast at Folsom. There's that famous picture of Dave giving the finger to the warden or whatever. Or whoever it was. I always thought that was Johnny Cash. I didn't know. No, yeah, yeah.

It's a similar shot. Similar story. I don't know who came first, the chicken or the egg. Well, yeah. Yeah, Dave and Johnny Cash are a real chicken and egg situation. You do have a real Johnny Cash vibe about it. Yeah, except I'm sort of like a Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interpretation.

A boy named Shung. I made it work. Stinkaroo. No, it was great. We all had fun. Okay. Dave. Graham.

Yeah. Hi. Hi. This isn't my overheard, but I was overheard a few days ago, and it was, well, it was emasculating. Did you use that word right this time? Nope. Okay. Um, as a matter of course.

Cause what we do is like, uh, generally people on this show, they overhear things secretly. Yeah. But, uh, the other day I was with some friends and I was telling them I bought tickets to see The Cure in Vancouver in the spring. And we were talking about like how, you know, I didn't grow up listening to The Cure, but I like 20 of their songs. And none of them are like goth songs. I think I only know one song by them. Oh, you know more. I know Friday I'm in Love.

I only know one song by them. Oh, you know more. I know Friday, I'm in Love. I only know that too. No, you know more. Do I? Yeah. It's like going to a Sheryl Crow concert. You think you only know one song and then you're like, I know all these songs. No, for sure I know a large swath of Sheryl Crow. Don't step to

us and be Sheryl Crow. But they care. I don't know that I know. What's another of their most popular songs? All right, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to cut you a deal. Okay. Because I don't know the titles of things. Okay.

I could hum a few bars. Oh, yeah, hum a few bars of one of their most famous ones. Isn't one of them like, To Be By Your Side? Is that The Cure? I don't know. That? I don't know. That one I don't know. Dave?

Well, I said hum, not sing. Okay. Okay, hum one of their big hits. Let me just, give me a. Let him do some Googling. Yeah, let me. I like overhearing children. Yeah.

That's the best. I was in a bathroom once. This lady came with her son. And he's just. Just crying. And he goes, she goes, you have to, we can't leave until you poop. I feel like he was conspiring. And he's like, I'm trying. This hurts.

Boy, I wish I hadn't given her an opening. You know boys don't cry. Yeah. I know the movie. Once in a while he goes, Bye. Don't. No, I don't know that one.

You know the Love Cats. No, I definitely don't. Love Cats. That is not how it goes, is it? Absolutely. Oh, see, I don't know it. You know Close to Me. No.

Well, maybe. Close to Me. Nope. You know Just Like Heaven. Just like heaven. Oh, I don't know it. You know, close to me. No. Well, maybe. Close to me. Nope. You know, just like heaven. Just like heaven. Oh, I know just like heaven. That gold-fingered cover of it. Yeah, sure.

You know Love Song. You know these songs. I don't think I do. You know Wrong Number. That's one of their 90s hits. I know. Hit might be a. I just think of them. Like, I know they're not one know hit might be a I just think of them

like I know they're not one hit wonders but I do think of them as that one song well and then we were my friends and I were talking about

like they also make me think of Tim Burton the Smiths we were talking about the Smiths oh I get them mixed up all the time

and how like I never knew anyone my entire life like who liked the smiths and then when i became an adult everyone apparently has always liked the smith i don't know anything about this so i get the cure mixed up with the smiths and all the time um and then and then this woman as she like had been sitting next to us eating lunch the whole time. And then she got up and was like, corrected us on a bunch of stuff and walked away. Whoa.

And I was like, like Cheryl Crow. Yeah. It makes you happy. Fine. I'm off to have some fun. Yeah. Oh boy.

Um, anyway, um, every day is a winding road and and a little bit closer and that one with kid rock yeah i put your picture away i put your billboard away so anyway my overheard that keeps getting bigger my overheard is from television and it was just sort of like an awkward some awkward banter amongst uh like, the news anchor and the weather girl. Yeah.

And, uh, the news anchor, uh, they were talking about Charlie Sheen and like how he has HIV. Yeah. And it was like, usually banter is like light, uh, stuff that's just like, ha ha ha. We're, we're having fun here. Yeah. But this was like, I guess people are so used to making fun of Charlie Sheen that when something serious happens

they don't know how to have the right tone and so she just threw to the weather girl the anchor threw to the weather girl and the weather girl said what a nightmare of a life that guy's had what? this was on TV? oh man

that's not the right note to wrap it up. What a nightmare of a life. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. That's crazy. We had some good times, too. Yeah, of course. We had great times.

Yeah, hot shots. Yeah. That must have been fun to work on. This is how I know that AIDS has become a little bit more manageable. Like, I think that because it's like

there is an apparent cure or something that will help longer because this was only in the news for less than a day. Oh, yeah, that's true. It was in and out of the news cycle. If this had happened 10 years ago,

there would have been weeks of Charlie Sheen with AIDS stories. But now everyone knows, well, it's manageable, and more people understand what it is. And Charlie Sheen of 10 years ago was a different Charlie Sheen in our eyes. Yeah, that's true. That's true. He was still kind of like

cool from that Garbage Man movie that he made with his brother. Dirty, oh no, Men at Work. Men at Work.

Men at Work. Dirty Work. The reason I know that is because when I was growing up, you know, you had a VHS

or a beta. We had a beta and that was the last movie that came out on beta. You were like, my uncle, my uncle. So we rented it. And we were like, well, I guess we gotta buy a VHS player. I never knew anyone with a beta. I just heard people make jokes about it. My uncle was like, yeah,

that was my uncle every Christmas. He would stand around with my other uncles and be like, Beta Max is better. I can't believe you guys are taking the VHS Kool-Aid. Yeah. And they're like, oh, taking the VHS Kool-Aid. Yeah. And they're like, oh, let's watch the Kool-Aid movie on VHS. I love the Kool-Aid movie.

There's a Kool-Aid movie? Yeah. Come on, play along. We had her. You guys, I am the most gullible. You can tell me anything and I will leave you. It's the origin of him smashing through walls. Who played Mr. Kool-Aid? Big Rains? No, he was voiced by Louie Anderson. Voiced by? It was a cartoon. of him smashing through walls. Who played Mr. Kool-Aid? Bing Raines?

No, he was voiced by Louie Anderson. Voiced by? It was a cartoon. Oh, it was a cartoon. It was a live action, Dave. The commercials were. Yeah, that's true. The commercials were.

Is Kool-Aid still a thing? Of course. Oh, yeah. I love Kool-Aid. What cult drank the Kool-Aid? The Seventh Gate? Or the Seventh Heaven? Oh, I thought it was the...

Ninth Gate with Antonio Vinter. No, it wasn't. It was the... Jonestown? Oh, maybe it's Jonestown. Let me Google Kool-Aid cult. And which one had the Nike shoes? The Nike shoes.

Oh, that was Heaven's Gate. Heaven's Gate. Yeah. You and me, lost and lonely. You and me, just like heaven. The Cure? Yep. Oh, okay.

All right. I'm getting... Jonestown. You should come. The phrase derives from November. 1978 Jonestown death in which over 900 members drank the Kool-Aid. And what was the... And you can't pay for product placement. Exactly. Like, I don't think it... Did it damage Kool-Aid. And what was the... And you can't pay for product placement.

Exactly. Like, I don't think it... Did it damage Kool-Aid? Did Jared Fogle damage Subway? No. No. Not even a dent. No.

Like, there's not... Like, literally, Subway is just like... Because I think people are humans and they can associate that Subway is not molesting children. They just had a shitty... The long sub of the law. I guess I've known this for years, that Jared Fogle and I share a birthday.

Oh, no, really? And now we share a jail cell. Yeah, yeah. This is horrifying. What, the Kool-Aid movie? It says that 900 members drank it, many of whom committed suicide by drinking the mixture of powdered soft drink flavored agent laced with cyanide, with the remainder including 89 infants and elderly killed by forced ingestion of the poison. Yeah, you shouldn't be feeding Kool-Aid to a baby. Every cult member knows that.

I didn't know it was that many people. 900. I didn't know it was that many people. Yeah. 900. And it was like the beginning of like America like had this crazy like obsession with like cults and like Satanists and stuff. And that was like through the 80s. I went to a Catholic high school. These Satan cults in the South that are like eating babies.

I went to a Catholic high school and we had to watch a movie about cults and Kim Cattrall was in it and I can't remember the name this is not but I

I wouldn't say that the Sex and the City ladies are a cult they're more like friends they're friends they're more like pals but she was like like she

she escaped the cult and then she went and she ate a cheeseburger and I remember this movie like it was so went and she ate a cheeseburger. And I remember this movie, like, it was so funny because she ate

this cheeseburger. She goes and eats this cheeseburger and then she realizes because her brainwashing is still in her brain, she's like, oh,

this is terrible. So she goes downstairs, barfs up the cheeseburger and stands in the mirror, like, punching her chest, going, get out,

Satan, get out, Satan. I remember, like, we watched that in grade 10 and, like, people were walking around my high chest going, get out, Satan! Get out, Satan! I remember we watched that in grade 10, and people were walking around my high school going, get out, Satan!

Get out, Satan! I just love when something educational just misses the mark. Yeah, and backfires completely. Totally hilarious. Totally hilarious. My overheard comes courtesy of when I was working the club in Winnipeg, Rumors. And me and the comic that was opening for me were walking down the stairs, and there was an elderly lady being helped down the stairs,

and she was making these crazy, like, at least she was so upset about having to helped down the stairs. And she was making these crazy, like, at least she was so upset about having to walk down these stairs. And the comic that I was with just went over and said, Oh, just so you know, on your way out, there's an elevator that you can take that goes up to the parking lot.

And then she, she goes like that. And then when we walked into the club, I heard somebody else say to them, like, oh, do you know there's an elevator? She goes, maw. So that's all the old lady was saying. Was she like the grandma from Dinosaurs? Yeah, she did look like the grandma from Dinosaurs. I thought you were going to talk about the grandma from that cooking show.

Yeah, no, that lady was cool. I want to hang out and drink with that lady. She was the coolest lady. The judges just would say stuff and they'd be like, well, this isn't very good. And she goes, probably not. Yeah, probably too much salt from before.

And she didn't give a shit. And she kept on saying, I'm from New Orleans. We do it different. I'm from New Orleans. That's how we do it there. We do it Cajun style. I'm the grandma from Dinosaurs. She was my favorite lady ever. I'm the grandma from Dinosaurs. I'm the baby. Gotta love me was my favorite lady ever. I'm the grandma from dinosaurs. I'm the baby. Gotta love me. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people around the world.

If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Katie in Brooklyn, New York. Hey, yo. Hey, yo. It's the water in the pizza that makes it so delicious. Oh, you can't get a decent bagel in Los Angeles. I bet you that's as annoying to them as it is people going, let's talk about something, eh?

Yeah, well, fair turnaround. Hey, I'm Turtle. Hey, I'm Turtle. Turtle. Turtle. turtle hey i'm turtle the other night we were uh we were doing the debaters and uh uh one of the firing line questions had a question about uh like we could backstage like comics are trying to figure out like what's the funniest thing to say to one of these wait those questions are scripted uh yeah

and uh one of the questions was uh what actor said you uh feel free to describe me as a turtle and uh like i said that guy from Jerry Ferrara, I was like, that's, that's funny. And, uh, but,

uh, Charlie Demers just kept insisting that the funniest answer was Shelly Long. Cause he's like, cause Shelly is anyways. I have a tattoo of Shelly Long. Excuse me? I have a tattoo. You have a huge tattoo.

Yeah. I can't show you because I'd have to take my pants off and that's inappropriate but I'll show you a picture while you're looking at it

you can just describe it for the theater of the mind it's from Hello Again what's that what's Hello Again yes it's like my favorite when I was a little girl

I loved my favorite Shelley Long yes and I watched it again I loved her when I was a little girl and I was like you can be funny you can be a funny lady

and I loved I don't know why I turned into some crazy woman there but I loved Hello Again because it's so cheesy like she chokes

on a Chinese chicken ball and dies she died in a alliteration factory in a choking incident if you watch if you watch the trailer for it

it's basically like that it's like I can't remember her character name. She's like, so-and-so had it all. And then a Chinese chicken ball. And I think it might even be Casey Kasem that is doing the trailer. That was a very 80s style of trailer. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so she chokes on this chicken ball and she dies. And then her sister's this crazy, like, gypsy lady. And she brings her back to life. Can you be gypsy not by like not ethnically i don't know yes it's not an ethnicity or is it it's not no gypsies are not it's an it's like a way of life it's a lifestyle really it is i thought it was like romany yeah well the roma but like there's gypsies in like the gypsies from Snatch. There's like the gypsies... Pikes.

Pikes, but they're a form of a gypsy. Yeah, that's true. In form of gypsy. Wonder Twin Powers unit. Anyways, long story short, she wakes up from the coma. The chicken coma. I know she comes back to life and then like... Long story short, she wakes up from the coma. The chicken coma. And now she comes back to life.

And then like, so Corbin Bernson is her husband. And Selah Ward was her best friend. And now they're married. It's a crazy 80s, like, oh my God, what's happening? Corbin Bernson and Jelly Log are. Hello again. Are you sure it's from the 80s? Because it's got Bernson and Long. Here you go.

There it is. That's my tattoo. Oh my word. And it's good burns in and long there it is that's my oh my word and it's good right it's not ugly it's not like amazing i know my friend tony sklepik in edmonton is he does this his tattoos are amazing he just did this like he-man tattoo like the cartoon he-man yeah i'll try and find that for you it's like starting Starting Louie Anderson. Yeah. As the voice. Live action. Live action. Yeah, that's right. Louie Anderson. Yeah, starting Louie Anderson.

But yeah, I know. He looked great in that movie. I'm just going to get funny women on my. Did we ever get that Brooklyn one? No, here it comes. Okay. So we're in Brooklyn, New York. I was walking down the street and I passed by two guys talking outside their buildings.

They were just chatting in a normal neighborly way. And then one guy started to go inside, and the other one yelled, By the way, my name is James Internet Jones. That's James Internet Jones. Boy, once you put that out there, there's no taking it back. Oh, man.

Then the other guy paused for a second and said, My name's Luke, and went inside. James Internet Jones. Yeah. I'd like to see his monogram. Can we look that up on Facebook? Is he on Facebook? Well, he's on the internet.

Stop showing me stuff on your phone. Stop looking things up on Facebook and just be present. That is pretty good, though. It's really good. It's He-Man and Thundercat. Thundercat was like a wussy cat until he put on his mask. Which is a metaphor for all of us. Or Battle Cat.

Oh, Battle Cat. Sorry. Because the Thundercats were a different thing that people are obsessed with. I was more of a She-Ra fan than I was He-Man. My brother was the He-Man. She-Ra was He-Man's cousin? Yeah, I think her sister or something weird. They never hooked up, so I think they were related.

You can hook up with your sister. Yeah, exactly. You both have the with your sister. Yeah, exactly. You both have the last name Man. Yeah. She-Ra-Man and He-Man. She-Ra-Man and He-Man. Don't have to change my last name. Great.

Think of all the money I'll save on monograms. So this next one comes from Nikita in Washington, D.C. Wow. You have listeners everywhere. This overheard comes from aita in washington dc wow you have listeners everywhere yeah this overheard comes from a friend of mine she was working in a coffee shop and witnessed the following exchange this is a girl and a boy college age sitting together doing homework at a table girl babe i'm gonna go to the bathroom boy says okay looks back down his work as girl gets up. Girl with hands on hip angrily. Babe, babe, where's my Eskimo kisses?

Oh my God. Well, and that is racist. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Inuit kisses. Inuit kisses. Or just nose nuzzles. Nose nuzzles.

That's very cute. Thank you. Let's go with that. Why don't the Edmonton Eskimos change their name to the Edmonton Nuzzles? Oh, they just Eskimo kissed in here. Of course. Why don't they be the Edmonton Butterfly Kisses? Oh, yeah.

Butterfly Kisses. Who's that? You don't know that song? No. Oh, my God. Is it the theme from Hello Again? It's like a country song about it. And it's always like small town Alberta.

That's the daddy daughter dance at the wedding. Put little white flowers all up in her hair. Walk me down the aisle, daddy, don't be afraid. It's creepy. Don't be afraid. I don't know. I could be totally matching up the lyrics. It's fine. Don't be afraid. It's creepy. Don't be afraid. I don't know. I could be totally matching up the lyrics. That's fine.

Don't be afraid. You guys have never heard Butterfly Kid. You've obviously never gone to a small town. Look it up on your phone. No. You look it up on my phone. This last one comes from Erin in Toronto. Okay.

Or, well, she was visiting Toronto at the time. Don't know. Don't know where she lives. I was visiting Toronto last week and overheard the following conversation from the girls behind me on the GO train. Girl 1, so they call Toronto the 6 now because of the

area code. And the girl 2 says, but it's 416. Why isn't it called the 4? And then girl 1 says, 6 sounds better than 4. And girl 2 says, they both just sound like numbers to me. And girl one says, six sounds better than four. And girl two says, they both just sound like numbers to me. And girl one says, but six is a rap number.

That's true. Yeah. Do you know why it's called the six? No, I haven't. Well, because it is the area code because there's 416 and also 604. 604 is here. Well, there's another 647.

647. You're right, 647. 647, you're right. Sorry, I've moved around. But there's also a 4 in that as well. Yeah, but I think 6 is more of a rap number. That's true. Like, you don't see a lot of guys rapping about 4. No. Oh, well, the thing

from Fantastic Four. Yeah, sure. Well, I'm fantastic. It's clubberin' time. from Fantastic Four. Yeah, sure. Well, I'm fantastic. It's clubbering time. In addition to overheards that are written in,

we also accept your phone calls if you would like to call us. Our phone number is 206-6. Yeah. Call us on the 6. 206-339-8328. Like these people have.

Hey, Dave, Graham, and hopeful guest. This is Shane from Nebraska calling with an overheard. I was getting a sandwich at a sandwich shop when the white man with dreadlocks in front of me asked for a roast beef with Swift cheese. And the lady behind the counter was confused and said, Swiss? And he said, no, Swift.

Swift. That's it. It was horrible. Bye. I think he said Swift. Swift cheese? Oh, he said Swift. Swift.

Didn't he say... Oh, is this Butterfly Kisses? I want Taylor Swift to do a cover of Butterfly Kisses. Oh, sure. Who sings it? It might be like a George Strait song or something. Oh, it's a man. Yeah, yeah.

It's a man singing about his daughter. Oh, I thought it was a daughter singing about her dad. So why is he singing Baby Don't Be Afraid? Don't Be Afraid to Walk Down the Aisle. She's singing it to her dad. Because we agreed that the carpet is hot lava. Or the kid was going to be shot out of a cannon down the aisle. Very scary.

Yeah, it was written, put your phone down. I want to see you sing that. Doesn't matter. We'll solve it in the next life. Bob Carlyle. I've never heard of him. Well, there you go. Could have been Travis Tritt.

That was satisfying. Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Nicole in Windsor with an overheard. I was in a middle school and saw the quintessential awkward 13-year-old boy with a crush. So there's this girl and all of her friends standing in a circle around the locker, and they're all talking and totally ignoring this boy. This boy's on the outside of the circle,

and he's sort of leaning and pushing his way in. And as they're ignoring him, I hear him say, Hey, Patricia, again. Oh, man. I'm drinking lots of milk, so I'm going to be tall one day. Hey, Patricia, again. I forgot about those milk commercials. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I'm a... Oh, yeah. A kid with a deep voice. With Louie Anderson's voice. Did you dance with girls at school dances? Did you ask girls to dance? Yeah. Yeah.

Not always successfully. Yeah. But, which... You know what I always dance to? This song. It's called Butterfly Kisses. I don't know if you've heard of it. You know what I always dance to? This song. It's called Butterfly Kisses. I don't know if you've heard of it. You're the worst. Hey there, lady.

You've got butterfly kisses. Don't be afraid. Even though the floor is lava. You can walk down the aisle with whomever you choose. Because you have lava-proof boots Hey sweet mama Kiss me with your eyelashes Butterfly style

We are from the country and we rode on a horse Do kids still play The Floor is Lava? Or do they just play it on their tablets? Yeah, they play it on their phone. Tablet's lava. The tablet is lava. And here's your final overheard of 2015. Oh, no.

Hello, Dave, Graham, and probably a guest. This is Lindy from Vancouver. I was just on the SkyTrain and I was pulling into the station and I was getting off and you could see there were two guys crouching in the platform doing cocaine. And we all got off the train and one of the guys

turned to us and said, hey, we're cocaine addicts. How's everybody doing? And they did some more cocaine. Thanks. Bye. That's the best thing ever! That is very Vancouver, too. People are very proud of their cocaine habits out here. Hey, we're the cocaine addicts. People say we sniff it around.

That's awesome. That's awesome. Wow. Well, I guess the first step is admitting it in front of a crowd of people. Yeah, that's true. It's like a 12-step program. Hi, we're Jeremy and Lucas, and we're cocaine addicts. And we're cocaine addicts.

There was a, somebody I follow on Twitter was posting photos from, I guess, back in the 70s. You could buy catalogs from a head shop or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had all these- Cocaine jewelry? Yeah, cocaine jewelry and all these accessories. Like a nice little bone carved with a tiny little spoon.

And it's like a sterling silver straw and like a kit. Have you seen Cruel Intentions with like- Have I seen Cruel Intentions? You know, like when Sarah Michelle Gellar has that little cocaine. Cocaine cross. Yeah. And then.

And Shelly Long walks in. She's like. She snorted chicken to death. Yeah, I'm hungry for some chicken. That was Shelly Long's catchphrase. She overdosed on a chicken. She snorted too much chicken. Her catchphrase in the 80s.

Chicken. Shelly chicken where's the beef where's the chicken no I choked on it I'm dead so that brings us to the end

of this year episode thank you so much for being our guest thank you for having me this has been the first podcast in a long time that I haven't cried on oh why

I don't know because people like to talk to me about my immigration woes, or I get impassionate about my career and how shitty it is. Oh, yeah. No, we don't want to get into that. No, I was so excited. I'm like, this is going to be a fun one. We're happy you were eventually allowed back in the country.

Yeah, yeah. Back in Canada. That's what I assume your immigration woes were. Yeah, those are my immigration woes. They wouldn't let me back in Canada that's what I assume your immigration was yeah those are my immigration rules they wouldn't let me back in Canada I desperately wanted

to come and tour small town Canada again you were pardoned by our governor governor's general no it was super fun now you have a show

coming up this week yeah it's a club in Vancouver yeah there's some amazing bands on it like Pink Mountaintops yeah something You have a show coming up this week. Yeah, it's a club, yeah. In Vancouver. Yeah, there's some amazing bands on it, like Pink Mountaintops. Yeah, something called Brass. Brass and some other ones. And it's to support Beat Root Magazine, which is amazing.

I have a column in Beat Root Magazine. And what is your column? Is it advice? Yeah, it's called Been There, Done That, Questionable Advice from a Comedian. Nice. Yeah, my first one was about how to not lock yourself out of your hotel room naked which is what i did it with a comedy festival in the hotel room you're like oh no this is the worst possible scenario i don't know why this is am i the only person like as soon as i get in my hotel room i take off all my clothes

do you wear the robe do you eat a donut oh yeah like the robe i don't have to wash but like as a touring comic you can't wash your clothes all the time. You can't be getting donair sauce on everything. That's true. Yeah, I usually I just have a jumpsuit that I eat all my meals in. Yeah.

This is my eating jumpsuit. Yeah, it's a Velcro myself. It's a plastic jumpsuit that just the donair juice just drips off. It's kind of like in Breaking Bad when they make the meth

in all those people's houses. Spoiler. Yeah. And I'm doing New people's houses. Spoiler. Yeah. And I'm doing New Year's Eve in Calgary. Okay. New Year's Eve in Calgary where? Booker's.

Barbecue and Crab Shack. Come for the barbecue. Stay for the Crab Shack. Yeah. It'll be fun. And where can people find you online? I'm on Twitter and Instagram, Kathleen underscore McGee. Don't go to Kathleen McGee.

She tweets about horses and it's extremely boring. And then a Facebook Kathleen McGee. Uh, well, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me and Shelley Long. Yeah. And she was a famous turtle. Um,

uh, if you like the show Head over to the blog At MaximumFun.org You can check out all the Pictures and videos Of things we talked about Yeah

Butterfly kisses Louis Anderson Yeah the Kool-Aid movie You should put You should put the Butterfly kisses video up Yeah Oh absolutely

That cocaine jewelry Yeah There was some other Maybe maybe The Cure. I don't know any of their music. No, neither do I. But, you know, it's something's in the air. Yeah. It's like a disease.

The Cure. The Cure. Right. You get it. And if you like the show, you could leave us a review on iTunes. That would be nice. That would be a nice Christmas time activity and if you like the show

tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.