Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 406 - Ryan Williams

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

Comedian Ryan Williams joins us to talk college football, tacos, and Prime Minster objectification.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 406 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who had a very successful boxing day. He boxed three men, all heavier than him, and two technical knockouts, one decision. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I was in a celebrity boxing tournament um i don't know i fought screech i fought screech i fought mickey dolan and mickey dolan i was gonna

say it was a mickey rourke who does boxing yeah yeah no maybe you fought mickey i fought mickey dolan mickey rourke was there mickey rourke would kill me yeah well absolutely mickey dolan's like i'm honestly pleased i'm i... He's got drummer's wrists. They consider me as famous as he. Well, you know what you did? Your city, proud, your charity. What was your charity again? Oh, Tots for Kids.

Tater Tots for Kids? Yeah, no, no. It's a charity that supplies toddlers to children. Oh, yeah. Babies taking care of babies. Yeah. But not babies having babies. No, no.

That's too far. Yeah. That's a bridge too far. Our guest today, first time guest on the podcast. Very excited to have him here. He is excited. A very funny comedian, Mr. Ryan Williams is our guest. Hello, bumpers.

Yeah, first time guest, long time listener. Very excited. Very excited to have you. You showed up today with your own ingredients for a drink. Yes, mimosa. I never leave the house without mimosa mix. Yeah, a thermos of mimosa mix. Mott's mimosa mix.

Yeah. Fun phrase to say as well, Mott Mimosa Mix. Mots. Mimosa Mix. Yeah. Fun word, fun phrase to say as well. Mots Mimosa Mix. It's also my warm up before I go on stage. Yeah. Mots Mimosa Mix. Mots Mimosa Mix. What, um, you couldn't, you could never do it like a, just add water to alcohol, right?

Like they don't, you can't make, they don't make powdered alcohol. I wonder if they could. They probably could. I, I feel like I should know if it's not an urban legend or not, but I feel people have talked about powdered alcohol, like snortable alcohol, but I,

I really, what would be the advantage? It gets into the blood faster. That's why I snort things. You could take it on planes. You could take it on planes. Yeah take as much as you want on planes Yeah, you could get more wasted on a plane But they have alcohol on planes

That's true But, yeah, getting drunk faster That's definitely an advantage But, yeah, you can't bring your own alcohol on planes Because you can't have liquid That's true So, yeah, you'd have to pay for it on planes But you could just be like, can I have a water?

For reasons, for the reasons Yeah, yeah, you'd have to pay for it on planes, but you could just be like, can I have a water for reasons, for the reasons? Yeah, yeah. Water in a whiskey glass with ice. But no whiskey. Don't worry. I got that covered. Powdered whiskey. Do we want to move on to overheards?

Too late. All right, here we go. Are you throwing me for a loop? Here we go. Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us. So, Ryan. Well, I just wanted to get that out of the way, and we can talk mimosas, because they're great. We've got these.

Ryan opened a bottle of. Cheers, gentlemen. Of sparkling water. Sparkling water, yes. They're called the virgin mimosas. It's just sparkling. It's just watered down juice. Yeah, but it's fancy watered down juice.

So bubbly. I didn't have champagne flutes. These are glasses from Ikea. Yeah, I was a little disappointed. Today's kind of a bust, but it's all good. It's all good. Are you a brunchman?

Yeah, I do like going for brunch. It's an excuse to continue the night from before, I guess. I don't like going to eat dinner. Yeah, brunch is fun because it's relaxed. You have the whole day. It's like the only time there's not a lot of things that you have to get to.

Right. Whenever I'm at dinners, I always feel like I have to set an alarm, and I'm like, sorry, I've got to go at this time and then leave. I've left a lot of family dinners in a hurry to go to shows. My phone starts ringing, and I just yell and then just throw money on the table and scamper out. At your parents' house? Yeah.

Here it is. It should cover it parents house yeah buy yourself something nice you know i'm good for it you can change your filthy mobile i'm a little short can i wash dishes in the back oh don't call the police yeah uh your grandma already pulled that line she's in the back doing the pots and pans um so you you're a brunchman you're uh brunchman. How long have you been doing this stand-up for? Just over three years. Okay. And are you loving it? Yeah, loving every minute of it.

Loving! There it is. Who's that? McDonald's. Is it McDonald's? I feel like it's like a Canadian classic rock band or something. Yeah. Chilliw band or something. Yeah. Chilliwack or something.

Oh, yeah, sure. Your Chilliwack's your... I'll look it up, guys. You continue talking. So brunch, what's that like? It's fun. You know, the best part about brunch is if you've never been to a brunch place, the surprise you get when you receive the potatoes. Like, everyone does them a little different.

Yeah, sure. That's true. How are my hash browns coming? What do you get in a brunch? I'm not a sweets person, so. Savory. Yeah, salt and meat and eggs. Have you ever, because I'm getting to the age where I.

You're like just a porch. No, no. Where it's like I've had enough overcooked eggs that I'm, I'm, I've never complained. I've never sent them back, but I'm getting to the point where it's like, look,

this is my, like a rubbery egg. No, like the, the yolk is hard. I want the yolk running. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I'm way too meek to do that, but every time I'm, I'm extremely frustrated and then i want to take it out on someone but instead just eat the eggs and then i'm upset for i'm always blown away when somebody returns a thing at a restaurant or something i just think i'm like what confidence yeah that you can be like no no does it ruin someone else's day like does the the cook feel bad about it i

don't i don't i just know from like shows like bar rescue and stuff is when stuff gets sent back john tafferty will yell at you in the kitchen or gordon ramsay and the beaver brown band um it was a lover boy love in every minute of them they they uh were famous for either having love or boy in every one of their songs. Working for the boy, Ken. Yeah. Boy in every minute of it. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't know. I don't think I've ever sent back food. No, I had one time I went to a work.

It was like a, I guess we all had to go to a different city. It was weird. all had to go to a different city. It was weird. Everybody had to go. Well, not everyone did, but like the Toronto office and the Vancouver office at CBC. One year they would come to Vancouver. One year we'd go to Toronto. Right. And then just have like a, you know, retreat or summit.

You know, do ropes courses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some dumb thing. Yeah, an escape room. Yeah. And one day we went out to dinner and the waiter brought us one long bill for like, for 30 people. Oh, man. That's pretty ridiculous.

And so we were like, what do we do? And then my boss was like super confident. And was like, well, can I speak to the manager, please? Wow. And instead of that, the waiter just fixed it. I did a can I speak to the manager. Have you ever done that before? No.

Like I said, I am very meek. Like someone could openly insult me and like spit in my food. And I would just be like only 10 for you missy please don't think i'm a bad person yeah um yeah i was on the phone with somebody and they they didn't do the the thing i wanted i was like my card didn't work and so i was just checking to make sure it hadn't been stolen or whatever. And they're like, it's fine, probably. Yeah, the guy was like, well, you can come into the bank.

And I was like, no, no, no. Like, put your manager on the phone. Like, this is not, I'm not, that can't be the thing when you're on the phone call. Like, oh, just go to the, just pass it off to somebody else. Just send me a check. Does that fix it? Well, yeah, okay, I'll send you the check, and only a 10% tip for you.

I've had a lot of people say, I'll get my manager when interacting with me. Now that I think about it, so I'm the reverse. I'm the problem. I'm the guy who should be sent back i feel like people at call centers should be able to call and ask for your parents can i speak to your mother please who raised you does your mother know you talk like this oh that would that would really

take a lot of you know steam out of a fight somebody asks you like a steamy, sexy fight. Oh, yeah. At a sauna. Over my sauna bill. So, you're not originally from Vancouver. You're from? Kamloops, British Columbia, the home of Senator and Olympic gold medalist Nancy Green. Is there a sign somewhere that says that? No, she's not very well liked. She's not a nice lady. Oh, really?

Yeah. Why? What did she do? Did she do dirty politics? No, I think she's not very well liked. She's not a nice lady. Oh, really? Yeah. Why? What did she do? Did she do dirty politics? No, I think she's just mean and unpleasant. Now, I thought she was from Rossland, BC. No, there's someone from Rossland, I think. Uh-oh.

Has the town secret been exposed? Yeah. Just rip the signs down, boys. Yeah, we'll have to just put back up our old side. Kamloops, a town. Yeah, nobody from here. It says the tournament capital of Canada when you drive in, and then either Bramford or Brampton, one of the two,

decided to also call themselves the tournament capital of Canada. And since there's no board that does oversight, there's no bureaucracy of tournaments. Or city nicknames. That's true. Yeah, it's a real rough riders, rough riders situation, but of towns. Yeah, but I mean,

you could split that into your eastern and western. Yeah, but it's very specific Canada in bold letters. This is Canada's tournament capital. And no one knows if it's per capita. Are there a lot of tournaments? Oh, yeah, there are. In sporting events, I guess? Yeah, we're a tournament-based economy.

Once the mills shut down, minor baseball kept that town alive. Yeah, a lot of trophy manufacturers opened up. The sliced orange business. The gold mine, the silver mine, the bronze mine. The ribbon mine, the participant ribbon mine. Yeah, the sequined mine. Because I don't think I've ever stayed in Kamloops in a hotel that wasn't also hosting a hockey team or football team or something like that.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, a lot of, they have some famous, infamous tournaments there in minor things that no one cares about unless you're some road dog scout. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, they have a lot of those there. And they also have the Tournament Capital Center, which is a very nice facility where I played football. Was that really what it was called? The Tournament, yeah. Oh, man, they're really sticking with their story here.

Yeah, they're not Brampton or Bramford. I don't know which one is really flexing on Kamloops, and Kamloops is not backing down. City Hall is on Tournament Boulevard. We've got Champion Street, Participant Avenue. I'm going to Google Tournament Capital of Canada. Oh. And see what comes up.

Yikes. And see who's the first. Do you know what I bet will come up? Loverboy. Oh, well, if you go to tournamentcapital.com, it's Kamloops. Oh, yeah. You know they got in on that. They got in on that real early. At first, they bought the site. Then they were like, Oh, yeah. You know they got in on that. They got in on that real early.

At first, they bought the site. Then they were like, oh, website, domain, domain. I'll tell you right now, it's the only thing on the first page. Kamloops. Yeah. Locking it down. Okay, so they won, clearly. Yeah.

They won that tournament. Yeah, the tournament of tournament capitals of Canada. Undefeated. Now, you play football. You were a sportsman. A sportsman, yes. A sportsman and a brunchman. A sportsman and a brunchman.

How else can you fuel your sports? I don't know. Breakfast, lunch? Who has the time when you're always sporting? Yeah, that's true. You skip breakfast because you're doing practice. And then what are you doing? I'm looking up...

This is a Wikipedia article. Of pan loops? uh, uh, doing practice. Yep. And then what are you doing? I'm looking up, uh, uh, this is a Wikipedia list of city nicknames in Canada. There's a Tisdale, a Saskatchewan, the home of a Brent, but has one of the worst nicknames in all of town land, a land of rape and honey.

Yeah. Rape and honey. Oh, a rapeseed. Yeah. Canola Land of Rape and Honey. Oh, Rapeseed? Rapeseed, yeah. Canola. They've really considered, but haven't acted on, changing the name of the town. There's a lot of death metal bands will tour through Saskatchewan to do the Saskatoon Regina. If they ever stop through there, I think there's a famous death metal made that like their shirt just replaced tisdale with their name that looks like melted cheese

i don't think that's the goal of a metal logo i think it's supposed to be blood or yeah bones or molten lava look at them it looks like when you sprinkle cheese on nachos and then it melts like it's there's there were strings at some point but they've all kind of merged together do you guys remember when uh there was that ad for cheese strings that uh was the music was wild thing yeah okay cool do you remember when there was the ad for uh crumble cheese and uh it was uh crumb believable. Crumbling every minute of it. Crumbling. So what did you play? You played.

I was a linebacker. And then I went to this league that exists. It's probably the lowest form of post-secondary football in North America. But every once in a while, they put someone in the CFL or the NFL. It's called the CJFL. Canadian Junior Football League? Yeah. And I played for the expansion team,

the Kamloops Broncos, and I showed up and was not good because I was a linebacker and I was very slow. So they were like, you can't cover anyone. And then because the team was really bad, they were like, well, we'll just put you on defensive line for four years. Oh, wow.

What does a linebacker do? A linebacker is if you watch a lot of bad sports commentary, they'll say, it's the quarterback of the defense. But it's just the guy in the middle of the field. It's usually like. Sometimes he goes forward. Sometimes he goes backwards. That's what separates him from the defensive back. Have any of them ever done it on a Segway?

Because that's good for forward and backward. That's true. I think that's Spike TV's replacement for slam ball. Segway football. Hoverball. What is slam ball? You remember slam ball. I don't think I do.

I remember the XFL. I remember that like it was yesterday. Slam ball was a futuristic sport created by Spike TV that involved, it was basketball with trampolines. Trampolines. A lot of injuries. There's no way that I knew that existed because just the addition of trampolines would have captured my imagination. It was a 40-foot hoop. Is that true, is it?

No. But it had to be a higher hoop, right? Yeah. Otherwise, it would just be a lot of guys going just like, I miscalculated this. It's just going over the hoop. Into the ground. Because mascots use trampolines,

but they do it from far out, man. Far away, yeah. Hippie mascots. And they're supposed to do flips every time. Yeah, the big thing, as we all know, in slam ball is the biggest addition to slam ball was a lot of players would jump over the hoop and get stuck in the peach basket. And James Naismith, the janitor, said, why don't you just cut a hole in the board?

But I need these baskets. I said, why don't you just cut a hole in the board? But I need these baskets. Yeah, I was watching a video of one of those mascots. The bull, the Chicago Bulls bull. What do you think his name is? Horny? Bullseye. Yeah.

Fun. Billy, these are all good. It's possibility. Red eyes. Hoof and mouth disease. Bulbo. He did a thing where he was supposed to jump on a trampoline, but he ran right through and hit a guy who was carrying a lot of popcorn. And there was a big argument on this internet thread.

That's my new thing is just reading the comments. I don't even read the thing. The argument was whether it was planned or not? Yeah. But the bull had a blindfold on his fake eyes. Like, well, of course he could see, you idiot. So it was planned? Yes.

A mascot doesn't do anything on the fly. It's all terribly choreographed. There have been a few mishaps. There's that, I want to say the San Jose shark or maybe the Anaheim duck who was supposed to be going through like a flaming hoop and just fell. There's definitely one of the Toronto Raptors. Yeah. The roller skates.

Isn't he on, or is he running? Oh, he's like an inflatable. Yeah, and he like falls face first on the ground, and he's all kind of bent out of shape. Do you think mascots know that everyone's rooting against them? I don't know what mascots know. Are they allowed in the locker room with the team? No, it's very clear that they have their own locker room.

Well, that's even better. And they have to sit across. Although I guess it's discrimination. Yeah, oh, yeah. Speciesism. Yeah, they have to sit across... Although I guess it's discrimination. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. It's a big... Yeah, they have to sit across from the other mascot. It's like when you have a... The home and away mascots have to share.

The away mascot travels with the team? Yeah. Oh, man, he's going to get booed a lot. The Dove gig. He's just brought his t-shirt cannon just to shoot people. Just to get to his... Just for defense. He's just putting heads of cabbage in there and firing them.

The only thing that stops a bad mascot with a t-shirt cannon is a good mascot with a t-shirt cannon. Yeah, like... Because people want to fuck with mascots. Like, as soon as they see them, there's like a human instinct to punch trip, pull something down, knock something off. There's this rivalry game that used to happen between UBC. Between Brampton and Cambridge. It was more of a game as it was just a bureaucracy overseeing tournaments

and their statistics. It was the worst thing ever on TSN, too. The ratings were in the toilet. But, yeah, this rivalry game between SFU and UBC. And one year, someone from SFU, like a student, assaulted the UBC mascot. Like, went and punched. And it's usually women from gymnastic backgrounds or a lot of oh yeah yeah yeah you like just assaulted a lady because he was drunk i thought you meant the

people who were assaulting the mascots were like flipping into the mascot yeah they're usually from gymnastics yeah yeah they to blow off steam somehow. I did look up the, there's no listing in Wikipedia for the nickname for Brantford. Mm-hmm.

But I assume it's still birthplace of Wayne Gretzky. Sure. Oh, God, yeah. But Brampton, the only nickname, oh, there's two nicknames

listed. Flower City. Okay. And Bram Ladesh. A derogatory nickname in reference to the large South Asian community. I was about to say that. It would be weird if a city would do something like that.

I don't think it's official. It's a... Yeah. The Flower City though, I think that I've heard that before because they have flowers. I mean that that to me is always the laziest thing when you're like we're the city of of trees or things that just were there before the city i don't know what you guys didn't do anything do we have a nickname here yeah we're

um expensive uh the yeah the most expensive city i mean I've heard a lot of derogatory ones. But cities don't have home of the whopper or whatever. Small towns have that. Oh, okay. Well, because it used to say when you were entering the city, it used to say, welcome to Vancouver, a nuclear weapons free zone. And that was Greenpeace. Yeah. So I guess Vancouver could be home of Greenpeace.

I'll look it up. It's not going to be a thing, so don't bother looking it up. If they're listing Bram Ladesh. I think that is. Well, I know what they will list. Yeah, I know what some derogatory one of Vancouver is. What is it? I'm not touching that.

Is it a racial one? Yes. Okay, I know what it is. Yeah. So don't bother looking at it. It's called Honky City. Yeah, Cracker Town. So you played in this football league for four years.

Yeah, and I was on a very bad team. Were you thinking you were going to play football? Oh, completely delusional, yes, in fact. to vancouver on a football scholarship to play football and then like moved up a level playing for the university and was like okay lord i'm frighteningly bad at this oh so you were undersized but how did you get a scholarship i was good i was a medium fish in a small pond i guess but like the position i played like you're supposed to be the strongest person on the field. Who are famous linebackers? I was a defensive tackle.

Oh, okay. So if you were to think of famous ones... But you said linebacker earlier. Yeah, it was where I started. Oh, okay. And I was really slow, so they were like, we don't have many defensive line players

and our team's bad, so you can play D-tackle for us. And I was like, thanks for having me on the team guys and then I brought everyone mimosa yeah

that's how I stayed on the team that's how I got the scholarship when you won the championship you just poured a big mimosa

over your coach well no we got a guy with a bucket full of champagne and a guy with a bucket full of orange juice

poured them both at the same time mixed them over your coach champagne and a bucket full of orange juice. Pour them both at the same time. Mix them over your coach. Mmm. These are great. When you made these actually,

you put so much champagne and so little orange juice. Like the orange juice just colors it. Yeah. I thought it was going to be overpowering. But it's quite nice.

I think it's not supposed to be 50-50. I never went to Mimosa Mixology School. I did on a Mimosa scholarship. You did it right. You did Mimosa's proud.

Thank you. So you, I don't understand. The position that you were then in, like you had to be a stronger, bigger guy? Yeah, like the strongest, biggest guy. Like if you watch the NFL, like it's usually the guy that's like 300 pounds and like is big and scary.

And I wasn't that. We like, and it was just, I was like. What's scary about him? Ah, he's, he's, he's just got that

dead look in his eyes, you know? Like he doesn't care about nothing. From all the head trauma. Yeah, which I probably will develop. Anywho but like now there's other ways to be scary aside from just being big and uh and strong oh yeah oh yeah yeah he's always uh he oh you only ever see him outside

of football at night in a playground he's sl Slenderman. All of defensive tackles are Slenderman. Yeah, they're very tall so they can get their arms up and block the pass. Yeah, yeah, that's why Slenderman. He's not big, but

he's, yeah, he's tall and intimidating. Oh, so scary. I don't even know really much about him. He's always kind of blurry. Yeah, yeah.

We're playing a team next week there. Defensive tackle's the Babadook. He's scary. Oh and we're playing a team next week they're defensive tackles the baba duke oh we're playing his cropsy next week so scary um oh yeah that guy has hooks for hands these are all the these are all the possible scary opponents uh so then after four years you moved into a higher league and then you were were like, I got to get out of here? No, I didn't even, despite not even seeing the field and essentially being a water boy, I just tore my ACL and then was like, oh, I should probably do something else. And I had always wanted to do stand-up.

I'd wrote for years and years in Kamloops, and there's just nowhere to do it at that time. Now they have horrible shows. I mean, very good shows that you can be on with great local comedians that are really wonderful and write all of their own jokes. They're not from the internet

or anything. Oh, man. I love that kind of comedian. The guy who writes all of his own jokes. Kamlo's home of trash talk. No, no. He was being authentic.

I just assumed the jack-off motion was because he needs to get out of here in a minute. Cam Loves Home of Trash Talk. No, no. He was being authentic. Yeah, that's true. I just assumed the jack-off motion was because he needs to get out of here in a minute. Yeah, that's right. I just get a little antsy when I've had a couple of mimosas in me. That's why I'm banned from a lot of brunch places. Yeah. Good one. But I think I read it on the internet.

So, are you excited about the movie concussion yeah yeah uh just more to uh to see old will uh big willie style pull off that african accent the whole movie ah yes i've seen ads i didn't know that that was a story but that was a plot point that he's an african gentleman yeah it's yeah it's uh i guess that it's based on a real story, but they think they, people would just be like, yeah, it's going to be weird. Yeah. Just have him not talk like that. He's the fresh, fresh prince.

And I don't, I feel like he's going to struggle. I could, I don't know. What, with the accent? Yeah. I don't believe in Will Smith is what I'm trying to say. It's my big agenda here. Him and DJ Jazzy Jeff going on tour in 2016 for some reason. Seriously?

Yeah. I know. It's weird because it's not like, he's like Will Smith. He's still like a famous guy that doesn't need to do that. And they've never performed live. What? They've never performed live? I don't think they have ever performed live.

What, live? They've never performed for their wives. Well, I know that Jada Pinkett Smith was on OddsFest. Live. Wive. They've never performed for their wives. Well, I know that Jada Pinkett Smith was on OzFest. Yeah. Oh, I remember being a 14-year-old metalhead, being very upset on metal message boards. Like, are you real metal? What? Shit.

Are you a metalhead? Yeah. Former metalhead. I've been metal-free for 30 days. No. It was concussed out of me. Yeah. Out of my metalhead. Who did you like when you were a metalhead I've been metal free for 30 days no it was concussed out of me out of my metalhead who did you like

when you were a when you were a metalhead yeah I guess the cliche would be like the big like bay area thrash metal bands and Iron Maiden was a big Iron Maiden fan

okay so like stuff that was before your yeah before my time and the stuff of my time the Mastodons and Triviums and Children's of Bodums

and keep listing Children's of Bodums. Keep listing names. Childrens of Bodums? Like the French press? Yeah. Children of Bodum. I guess not plural. Okay.

Smash Face. Oh, you're making one up. Yeah, you totally made that up. Because you were going to say Smash Mouth. Yeah. Which would have been a great medal then. Fuck, Paul Skilskin. Goatouth. Yeah. Which would have been a great medal there. Fuck Paul Skilskin. Goat destroy

fucks. Bay Area Bodoms. Toad the Wet Spronget. Slippin' Slide in Blood. Benedict

Kill Someone in the Ditch. Channing Tatum. What was the one that Kevin Lee liked Wolves in the Throne Room or something he likes that

like crazy like Norwegian Norwegian black mad metal yeah yeah yeah there was some of those I was into I liked

there was a band Smash Faces Smash Faces I liked Smash Faces earlier stuff when they were it's like a more broad Smash Mouth yeah they include the whole face yeah face smash is it well yeah i liked smash faces earlier stuff when they were like a more broad

smash mouth yeah they include the whole face yeah they're actually what they are is they're kind of like more of a parody band of smash mouths where it's like hey now get your murder on more parodies please uh what other songs uh yeah what other songs yeah what other songs walking on the sun blood yeah that cover of I saw her face I can't get enough of you

dead babies there you go did you go to lots of metal concerts yeah a fair bit there weren't a lot in Kamloops I went and saw the famous go to lots of metal concerts i yeah a fair bit there weren't a lot in cam loops uh if that is surprising i went and saw the the famous uh montreal uh death metal band cryptopsy after a football practice famous well a famous uh infamous in the in the metal community they have a website

okay that's a big deal their myspace had had like probably 10,000 friends, you know. That's pretty good. They were the Tila Tequilas of heavy metal. That is very hard to quantify. The Tila Tequilas of heavy metal. And here I am listening to the Cindy Margolis of country. I don't even know who that is, but it She was the most

downloaded woman on the internet from like 1999 to 2001. Wow. She had her own TV show. What was her show? The Cindy Margolis

show. Was it a sitcom? No, it was like a Saturday night party show. So it took place in a party. Do they have those

anymore? They do have like that, like Daryl Hall, live from Daryl Hall's house and the Brian McKnight show. Now, Daryl Hall from Hall and Oates? Yeah. Okay. And Brian McKnight, like it's a party at their house and it's just like, hey, we're going to be partying all night.

Well, I don't know if it's a party, but it's like a lot of musical performances and a little bit of chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's in a party setting? I don't know. I haven't watched any of them. But I assume that's sort of what it is. Because it can't be like a monologue. Brian McKnight goes, oh, have you heard of this?

Have you heard of that one? It's like a dream come true. Two, something want wanna be with you. Every one of his monologues descends into that song. He always comes back to one. Yeah. So, Angela Merkel. A lot of refugee pushback from the Macedonians.

Three. Yeah, they said they're only gonna let it three um not bad but like uh I feel like growing up

there were like uh shows like Electric Circus or there would be other shows that were like like that

like the they'd be like a party like MTV's like uh at the beach or spring break. Yeah. It would just be footage of people partying that you would just watch.

And then maybe there were segments, but mostly it was just footage of people partying. And then maybe music videos or live performances. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, how come Netflix hasn't, like, put out a series like that? Just like, Netflix party. Did you watch the Bill Murray Christmas special on Netflix? Me neither. But I'm done with Christmas. Well, you're done with Christmas.

I'm done with the self-aware Christmas special. Anything after the 80s that references 70s and 80s Christmas specials. That's true. Like, I was the one that I watched Paul Lynn's Halloween special. It was, like, from that era when people, like, made specials. And it's great. Like, Kiss was the musical guest. And, but, yeah, doing it as a winking.

Did Tila Tequila have a show? Yeah. A shot of love with Tila Tequila. Was it a reality show? It was a reality show when people, I believe, of two different genders, of men and women, tried for the shot at love with Tila Tequila. Oh, because she was bisexual. And then you had to get a shot of penicillin. That was the after show. Yeah. A shot of penicillin with Tila Tequila. Oh, because she was bisexual. And then you had to get a shot of penicillin. That was the after show.

A shot of penicillin with Tila Tequila's dog. Instead of a rose, it was a shot of penicillin. But didn't she then do something at the gathering of the juggalos? Yeah, she was assaulted at the gathering. I don't know if it was... I think she tried to do a musical performance.

Yeah, I don't know if it was music or, people just threw stuff at her. I think she tried to do a musical performance. Yeah, I don't know if it was music or if she was a spoken word. Yeah. A night without tequila. Was that the name of her poetry book? Yeah, the worst selling poetry book in North America. The Sting of Salt and Lime with Tila Tequila. Oh, there you go. Yes.

The Worm Turns with Tila Tequila. These are all great Tela Tequila books. But then, wasn't she doing a thing? Didn't she do a thing where she was a Nazi for a while or something like that? It wasn't like a thing. What's with the Teela Tequila expert? I grew up in my most pivotal years that shaped me as a person. In my age group would be, obviously, the 9-11 attacks or when I hit hit puberty and then Tila Tequila are the two things that have shaped world history.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Tila Tequila. I guess that's why you and I know so much about Kathy Ireland. Exactly. It wasn't like for a show or anything. It was probably either a mental illness or just some very misguided views where she just, there's some dark places on the internet. And I think she went to those places and thought she found some good ideas. She joined some weird MySpace group.

Yeah. Well, post MySpace, like we're talking, yeah, the 4chan places of the world, the bad places, and then, yeah, became a Nazi. Yeah. I remember like she was super racist. and she was dressing in like old nazi uniforms and stuff and like was posting pictures online and i think people were like interesting i like where this is going let's book her for the gathering of the juggalos yeah oh man yeah i guess i'd be pretty mad if i was a Juggalo, and then they brought her out on stage.

That'd be pretty. I think most Juggalos are pretty mad all the time. Yeah, that's why you become a Juggalo. You don't come from a happy place. Not a lot of hugs in Juggalo childhoods. They're not called Huggalos. They're not called Huggalos. That's true.

Oh, man. That's true. There are some friends of mine from Kamloops that are in fact Juggalos. Wow, really? A couple of Juggalos, I believe the phrase they go is, I think it's like,

That's the phrase. That's the phrase that pays. That's the phrase that pays minimum wage. That's the phrase. Yeah, that's the phrase that pays. The phrase that pays minimum wage. Yeah, Kamloops should change their name to Home of a Couple Jugglers. Oh, wow. Dave, what's going on with you?

Oh, not much. My baby took her first steps. Like a fish? like a fish no like a fish like short for official oh fish don't take that that's true unless they're evolving yes um yeah she took like three between three and five steps over two days she's she's been standing yeah she's been like they call it uh what do they call it? Not scooting. There's a word for it when you walk as you're holding onto a table. Yeah, like she'll hold onto a table. Yeah, she's drunk.

Sometimes she'll use a cane. Cruising, that's called cruising. Oh, cruising. Yeah, she goes on all the cruising message boards. It's fine. She's very grown up. Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that.

What I do want to talk about. Well, I mean, congratulations to baby mom. Yeah, good for her. She'll, you know, like I'm of two minds about it. One mind says. Of course, it's great. She's got to grow up. Yeah.

And then also, cute crawling. Yeah. Cats in the cradle. I just wish I'd been there. Yeah. Well, I was there. But, you know, I wish I'd been there more. Sure.

But my real topic this week is tacos. Go on. Because growing up, did you guys eat tacos? Yeah. And when you had tacos, what were they? Uh, they were hard shell,

hard shell. Yeah. With a little packet of spices. Yep. Yeah. Ground beef, ground beef and, uh,

tomato, uh, lettuce, sliced lettuce. And then, uh, cheese. Yeah.

Yeah. Beans, you know, maybe sour cream. They have some refried beans in there. Yeah. Yeah. Beans. You know, maybe sour cream. They have some refried beans in there. Yeah. Because now we live in a world where tacos are, you get gourmet soft tacos. Oh, sure.

Yeah. From tons of places in town. Soft, soft little like round things. That are different kinds of meats, different parts of a pig's face. Sure. Like they'll serve you the cheeks. They'll serve you the tongue. Over the lips, over the tongue. Look out, stomach here.

Tacos come. Tacos come. Yeah. And it's, you know, there'll be like 40 different kinds on a menu. And they're all wonderful and prepared, like authentically and slow cooked and all this stuff. And then the other day abby was like hey why don't we have tacos and just make tacos and you know what i did i just made the same old dumb tacos you went right back to i got a little packet from the grocery store old el paso like

uh yeah old el paso el paso old el paso old el paso to you grody El Paso. El Paso. Old El Paso. Old El Paso. Old El Paso to you. Grody. I was grinding on some munchies from Old El Paso. What are these from New York City? This guy gets his salsa from New York City. New York City. Not me, man. I use Pace Picante.

I use Pace Picante sauce on my old El Paso tacos. He says taco. He's from Minnesota at the end. Were they so much fun to eat? I remember them being a lot of fun to eat when I was a kid. No, they fall apart. That's why it's fun. It's like eating.

It's true. But i was disappointed in myself like we can you i know all these other kinds of tacos now i could try to make them but no you just went like basically it was like a you know a kit yeah it's like you just went back to your like factory factory settings yeah like. Tacos. Like tacos. We did do the thing because of how they they fall apart. We got soft shell

as well and wrapped them around the hard shell. Ah, fun. And then you do cement it with beans? Yeah. Yeah.

You can cement it with melted cheese is what Taco Bell does. Oh, yeah. I think you can also do well, of course you can you can do whatever you want. Yeah, that's true.

Anything creamy. You can put fudge in there. Yeah, but we did beans. Yeah. So, great. I think you can also do well of course you can you can you can do whatever you want anything anything creamy you can put fudge in there yeah but we did beans yeah so great still good I feel like

that's a thing too is tacos used to be a thing that you would only eat with people who really knew you well or like you would never

go on a date to eat tacos in the hard shell days I've never seen them in a restaurant well what do you call it that fish tacos no like taco time to eat tacos in the hard shell days. I've never seen them in a restaurant. Well, what do you call it?

Fish tacos. No, like taco time. You can get like a hard shell taco. Good, good, fresh, fresh. Talking about the very best anytime. Taco time.

Taco Bell. They have soft ones now. Yeah, they would have a hard as well. You're right, you're right. Yeah. And the Dorito. Yeah, yeah,

but you wouldn't eat them in front of like a first date or somebody new in your life. No, that's true. The big business lunch. We're merging companies. Now it's time for the taco lunch. Unless the companies are a hard shell taco company and a soft shell taco company. They do the symbolic spreading of the bean.

On the contract. On a giant. On a giant. To get together. With a giant spatula. We'll take your contract or this contract and put them together. And they get the mayor to do it and it's a big photo op. He runs the spatula. Why is the mayor involved in this?

It's going to create a lot of soft jobs in the city. And hard jobs. Yeah, absolutely. And they cut a ribbon made of tortilla. Or just one long piece of lettuce. Graham, you need to learn a few things about lettuce. Yeah, now you're just getting ridiculous. One long piece of lettuce.

Get out of here. Go to hell. I don't know. Because I think shredded lettuce looks most like a ribbon to me. Of all the taco stuffings. Bubble tape? No, I'm not. No, fuck!

Shit! Why would they do bubble tape? I was kind of thinking what you were going to say next, and I thought it looks the most ribbon of foods. And right in my brain, I was like, oh, there's so many more foods that look like ribbons. And then you said taco stuffings, and I was like, bubble day? Like, alright, well, that's what I'm coming up with. Yeah, that's how my brain is.

It's a lot like football. You go forward, momentum. If you're going to fuck up, fuck up at 100%, is what my coaches and brain would always say. That seems like a... Yeah, they don't tell lawyers or engineers that. Yeah, if you guys make mistakes, I want big mistakes. I had a friend who used to play football and he was like,

he told me he quit because every play hurt. Yeah, you just get, if it's cold out, everything hurts all the time. But baby, it's cold outside. I really can't play. Ah. Hey, last week was our Christmas episode And I think it was the first time in the history of the show Where we haven't mentioned that whoop-dee-doo hickory dock song Oh, the Andy Williams hit?

Christmas song, yeah Oh well Don't forget to hang up your sock Yeah Next year Sure, you have 51 weeks to hang up your sock Anyway, so tacos Yeah, yeah that's it i love it i love that you went that because i haven't had a hard shell taco yeah since the like advent

of like taco trucks and stuff yeah and we didn't grow up with like taco Bell didn't exist here. We had a taco time in Calgary. Yeah. Um, and also like, uh, I remember, uh, fish taco being like a,

a slang term. Yeah. And now it turns out they're the best. I mean, the slang terms, the best fish tacos are pretty good themselves. I remember when I saw it, like the first time,

like maybe it was Baja fresh or something open. And it was like fish tacos. And I was just like losing it. I'm like or something open and it was like fish tacos and I was just like losing it I'm like oh man these guys don't know anything yeah have they not heard our slangs yeah what a dumb peninsula yeah learn more slangs yeah totally um so that's what's going on with me pretty good ate. Ate a taco. Yeah. You probably had more than one.

Of course. Two to three. Two. Yeah? Just two? Yeah. I don't know. I'm not a rich man.

Oh, no, that's true. But I'm rich in love. Yeah, that's true, because you've got friends. Whatever man has friends and tacos. It's, what's his face? The richest man in town from a wonderful life. Yeah yeah the guy who owns the only taco time in town he's the richest man in town it's zuzu's tacos zuzu's tortillas what are you talking you've seen it's a wonderful life yeah but was there somebody named zuzu's pedals oh sure okay got. Oh, sure. Okay, gotcha.

I don't know. Shrug. Yeah, exactly. Look, you don't know it. I don't know it well enough to explain. I know it's a thing. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that I've seen It's a Wonderful Life.

And like of the Christmas movie variants, I think the Christmas Carol is the one that I've seen the most versions of. Well, there's only one version of it's a wonderful life no but like a lot of sitcoms did like uh like somebody who's like i'm done with christmas and then they show them what oh yeah the world would be like if they'd ever celebrate christmas i know urkel did one where it was like it's a wonderful life and uh married with Children did one. Breaking Bad. It's pretty similar. Yeah, Breaking Bad did a funny Christmas episode.

Both those stories, It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol, have someone come and show you what things would be like if it was different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically the same story-ish. The only difference is one's a bad guy and one's a good guy. And it's like, this is what would be like if you weren't around being good.

And it's like, this is what if you kept being bad. Oh, yeah. You used to. Thanks for the book report. And in conclusion. Yeah, I attended a prestigious university

for football. Not for book learning. Not that prestigious. Top 100 universities. Oh, that's cool. Not for the programs I took. What did you end up taking? Philosophy and history.

I transferred from another university. Okay. Dropped out. Now I work construction. But you're not, that's a day job. You're an comedian. We're all here.

We're all in the same place right now. Yeah, we're all eating tacos. Hard and soft shell. We're drinking mimosas. Yeah. We're fine. What's going on with you, Mon Frere? Well, first things first.

This isn't going on with me, but I don't like it. Earlier in the year, we elected a new prime minister, a new government. Good for us. Good for us. He's a guy who says, good friends, welcome. He says things like that.

Yeah, and... I'm going to get a look. Seems like he's doing great. Sure, and he's certainly... I'm going to get tired of... Good friends. He's certainly our best looking prime minister, I would say, ever. I don't know, like I've looked.

Bust a 50 out and look on that sweet mug on Bobby Borden's face. Bobby Borden. Now playing defense. Bobby Borden's on the 10, I think. No, Borden's on the 50. No, the Lion King. William Lion Mackenzie King. I thought he was, who's on the 100? Maybe that's Rob Borden's on the 50. No, the Lion King. William Lion Mackenzie King. I thought he was...

Who's on the 100? Maybe that's Robert Borden. Woodrow Wilson? Is Laurier on the 10? Is Laurier on the 5? McDonald's on the 10. Yeah, Laurier's on the 5. Laurier's on the 5.

The Queen Mum's on the 20. Because she's the queen. But I only ever get 20. I'm sure. Yeah, I think it is Borden because somebody's, I remember writing a thing like, we're all about that Borden. All about those Borden. And I was like.

Canadian rapper? Yeah. Well, I was like. I was thinking Choclair. Cardinal and Choclair. Yeah, it could have been anybody from Northern Touch. But I, so, so our prime minister, minister we arguably arguably our best looking prime minister and so fine right but he's like now he's like in gq and he was in vogue and stuff it's getting

kind of like this is america had to go through this with barack obama and michelle obama because they're cool they're cool they're young and they're good looking. And so they've had to have that. And now we're going through it and I, I don't like it. I'll say it. I don't like it. Well,

I mean, it's sexist, like, but like a lot of women leaders have to go through it as well. Yeah, that's true. I, well,

you know, I only bought that one playboy because that one time magazine. Yeah. Margaret Thatcher's early. She needed the money, you know, I only bought that one Playboy because of... That one Time magazine. Yeah, Margaret Thatcher's early... She didn't want to give you the money. But, like, it's... Did you hear what he said in Vogue magazine or what his wife said? No.

She talked about their first date, and he said, I'm 31 years old. This was on their first date. I'm 31 years old, and I've waited 31 years for you. But, like like how many women did he use that line on? Yeah.

Every time he taught snowboard. I'm 15 years old and I've been waiting 15 years for you. Every snowboard instructor class with him started that way.

Was he a snowboard instructor? I think that's what it was. I know he was a high school teacher. Yeah, a high school teacher out here and I think he lived

at Whistler or just a snowboard and he was so charismatic school teacher. Yeah, a high school teacher out here, and I think he lived at Whistler. Or just to snowboard, and he was so charismatic. He just taught the town to snowboard. Yeah, they already knew how to snowboard, but they were like, teach us. And he taught them how to love. Oh, yeah, that's true. They didn't know how to love up there. But also, he, for sure, when he was a teacher, he sat on a chair backwards.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That happened on more than one i bet he owned a lot of vests oh yeah yeah especially during the like the early 2000s vests were like the just out yeah when people took off jackets for the first time we're like hey what about just this i mean they were just out of stock. Who wore a vest in the early 2000s? Oh, valets. Donald Rumsfeld.

I feel like the Jonas Brothers were big vest proponents. That was mid to late, though, 2000s. Yeah, that's true. They brought the vest back. They're bringing vesties back. Garment stores don't know how to act. Was that a Jonas Brothers song? That was produced by Timberland.

It was produced by Timberland and Timberlake. It was one of their first joint projects. It was Timberland and Timberlake. Yeah, they worked together on all it was one of their first joint projects. It was Timberland, Timberlake. Yeah. They worked together on all their

vest jams. That was during the renaissance of Timberland. Yeah, yeah. Do you think Furtado? Yeah. That's true. That's all. So anyways,

I don't know. It's just weird. It's all. So anyways, I don't know. It's just weird. It's weird. It feels, do you know what it feels un-Canadian? To have a prime minister in GQ. It's kind of what his dad was like, was Mr. Cool Guy, like hanging out with the stone. But he was Mr. Cool Guy. He was never Mr. Hunk. Yeah, he wasn't a hunk, but he was like a sex symbol.

Yeah, but it was all attitude. It was all you know, he was a cool guy. He wasn't a sexy lover man. Yeah, he was sexy. He did all of his defense by intimidation. So anyways, I don't know.

That's happening. I can't wait for that tide to roll out. We don't have to have that happening anymore. What do you think they would say about each of us if we were a world leader? Oh. Like in this honeymoon period. They would say, for me, most incompetent prime minister yet. Even before you took office? Yeah.

How did he get into office, they would say. Brian? Yeah. Fright frighteningly unqualified. Dave? He seems polite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He seems like a nice guy. Yeah, I mean, he'll probably hide in his office a lot.

Yeah, he's going to be a real office prime minister. But, like, just, just just like, on Tumblr. He's not doing any legislating. At like the G, you know, the G7 summit or whatever,

in the picture of all the leaders, you're just a telephone that you phoned in. Oh, no, well, no, I'll be, I'll be on,

I'll be playing with my phone. Like, there'll be people getting down to brass tacks and I'll just be like, uh, hearting people's

instas. Yeah. I hearting people's Instas. Yeah. I just heartened some Instas. Uh, so there's that. And then, uh, this other thing happened this week and I just thought it was so much fun was a friend of mine. Um, we were talking about a mutual friend that we have. friend that we have and uh and my friend was saying like he was really getting tired of this person's uh facebook posts that they were like multiple times a day basically like every time he opened up facebook that was his feed would be six posts from this person all kind of selfie based. And, uh, and this, like my friend was,

he was just like in such, uh, couldn't, he was like, I will like, I'm friends with this person. I want to support this person, but I just can't stand the number of posts.

And I was like, Oh, you should just unfollow them. And they were like, what? And they had no, they had not heard of unfollowing. What?

And, uh, and then it was like, it was like Christmas in July. Oh, he was unfollowing everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just like, and this person wears shirts without sleeves and always posts pictures of that. And this person's always talking about how much weight they lost. Did you say it was like Christmas in July?

Absolutely. It's December. Yeah. But it's not horrible like Christmas in December. It's like Christmas in July. Absolutely. It's December. Yeah. But it's not horrible like Christmas in December. It's like Christmas in July. It's exciting. Graham's anti-Christmas. I've had enough.

You're part of the war on Christmas. Absolutely. I would lead the brigade. I've been told about you. Yeah. I would enlist in the war against Christmas. Oh. You know, it's fine for kids.

It's great for kids. Hey, kids. Feels good for grownups, too. No. Disagree. I good for grownups, too. No. Disagree. I love the social aspect of the holidays. There's always, like, things going on and a lot of things you have to attend.

Because North America obviously shares the same climate of Northern and Central Europe. So it's dark and depressing, like, the whole. This is, like, when it's super dark and depressing. Yeah. So it's, like, good to get out of the house and be social. Yeah, and be social so that's why i love the holidays yeah yeah but i that's the thing i you could do that without uh some stupid uh lights commercialized yeah but uh totally totally watch the same goddamn movies every year yeah but i love them i know but it's uh but see you also you have a kid you've been re i loved him i loved loved Christmas before I had a kid.

I don't recall this being the case. Absolutely. Give me that gingerbread, girl. I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't recall you being as jubilant about Christmas in years past. Of course, yeah. Give me one of them gingerbread tacos, ladies.

But yeah, so I'm- No, but you're right i am fighting you because you have have infringed yourself oh yeah absolutely but uh why why not i'm an adult man it's like you're asking for some kind of christmas caroling or or but it's wonderful lifening but like you know you don't like halloween and i don't nobody gets on your case about not liking halloween oh people do oh well everyone thinks i'm mean and horrible but you know like everyone thinks i'm no fun you know how you think halloween is for kids yeah it's christmas that's me and christmas like it is absolutely for children and uh and people that are like no it's also for religious people it's not it does feel weird to like when people ask you what you want for christmas like your family oh yeah it's like i'm just i buy myself whatever i want yeah yeah

no yeah exactly yeah cash is good yeah yeah exactly i. Exactly. I don't know. I've gotten out of it. I never really liked it, but in the past couple of years, it's gone from not liking into actively hating it. You should probably see a medical professional because it sounds like your heart has been shrinking. See, this is the thing. Everybody has these dumb things connected to Christmas. Yeah, I did not help the Christmas cause with that stupid comment.

Oh, all of my references are from the Bill Murray Christmas special. Oh, yeah. So you wouldn't get them. No, I never will. It's directed by Sofia Coppola. Gross. Gross for her. That's not a...

That's a step at best sideways, but not... No, she's continuing her streaks of one good movie, the rest awful. Well, what did she make? She made Virgin Suicides, right? Yeah. Is that her? Top of the pops. Lost in translation.

Lost in translation. That was great. And then what else? Someplace, somewhere, sometime. The Stevendorf,orf Chateau Marmont. A pro Marie Antoinette movie. Yeah, but with interesting take on the... But with like dance punk music.

Oh, is that with Kirsten Dunst? Yeah. Yeah, okay. And then the one that was about the people that robbed Lindsay Lohan. Oh, yeah. Oh, the bling ring? The bling ring. Oh, yeah. Oh, the bling ring? The bling ring. Oh.

Huh. I'd say two and a half great movies. What's the half? You see Kirsten Dunst's butt. Oh, sure. Sure, that's true. The back half. The best back half.

I'm sorry. I apologize for everything yeah you and so you should it's like how men often refer to their wives

as their back half but also didn't Francis Ford Cofla have a similar downward streak genetic like cause he started with

some pretty heavy hitting films and then Godfather Godfather 2 yeah Ap heavy hitting films and then godfather godfather 2 yeah apocalypse now yeah and then he made you know that one where uh robin williams is a grown-up kid jack jack he's made four movies maybe he made toys was that him maybe made toys he made a lot of wine oh yeah that's, but he never served it before its time? Or is that Ripple?

Maybe that was Ripple wine. That's, uh, Horse and Wells. Oh, okay. He'll never serve a wine before its time. Ripple. Or something else. We're just going to go sit in the other room

while you have this meltdown. I'm not melting down. I'm warming up. All right. Well, Christmas is over. The goose is getting thin. Please do put a penny in my butt. Yeah, please just put a penny in my butt.

Happy New Year. Yeah. What song is that from? Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat. Please do put a penny in the old man's hat. If you haven't got a penny, a hey penny will do. If you haven't got a hey penny, then God bless you. What is that from?

I think it's written by traditional. Anonymous. traditional anonymous um so yeah that's uh i i helped my friend discover the power of unfollowing people on facebook yeah that's i'm amazed that someone doesn't know that uh i could see but like anyone who spends any time on facebook yeah that you wouldn't know that that was a function no time on facebook and i unfollow people yeah it's the best it's the best thing you can do for your own mental health is unfollow people who drive you insane. I used to keep a lot of people because they would

post the funny, like not intentionally funny, like all of these like they would be like obviously been like saved and re-imaged and re-photoshopped by like five different sources and like posts and it's usually like a picture of Kevin Hart or Zach Galifianakis or will ferrell

with like some awful phrase captioned over top of it like one of those memes but the quality is so poorly because it's been saved and like redone so many times and it'll be like uh bros that lived weights posted this and shared by bros that also eat chicken and then like shared by your friend they're always so bad. But then those are the, I stopped unfollowing all. I started unfollowing all those people when all the Trump stuff came in and refugee stuff.

And I'm like, no, okay. This isn't fun for me anymore. Yeah. I, uh, man,

Kevin Hart to spread hate. That's horrible. Yeah. Yeah. Kevin Hart was put on this earth for one purpose. Yeah. Red love to make ride along to, Yeah, Kevin Hart was put on this earth for one purpose. Spread love. To make Ride Along 2. Oh, man.

Well, do you guys want to move on to Overhearts? Oh, I thought we just did. Oh, yeah. Let's get to notes. Okay. Hello, and welcome to Podphone. What type of podcast are you looking for? You have chosen funny podcasts about bad movies.

Rated R. May we recommend The Flophouse? Three friends talk about bad movies and make each other and you laugh. Rated R. The Flophouse is playing at your ears. If you download it right now or whenever. Rated R. To purchase tickets to The Flophouse.

You don't need to do that. Just download it. The Flophouse. Rated R. For nudity, I guess. Hi, buddies. I'm Travis. And I'm Andy. And we host Bunker Buddies on MaximumFun.org.

What is Bunker Buddies, you ask? Well, it's a show hosted by two comedians about how to survive the apocalypse. We talk about stuff like the rapture. Zombie apocalypse. How to survive an EMP. What if a disease takes over the dead? How to survive a food shortage.

The people who eat other people. So don't get freaked out. We're going to tell you how to get through it. We're comedians first and, you know, aspiring preppers second. Join us. So tune in every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever podcasts are sold. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard.

Segment where we we here, you here, you there. Get over here. You there, boy. What day is it? It's the Overheard Day. And we always like to start with the guest. Champing at the bit. Here we go.

So, how many is too many? Is three too many? No, there's no such thing. Yeah. It's an embarrassment of riches. Yeah, yeah. You could save them for the next time you're on, but let's be real. Yeah, let's be real here.

Zingo Zango. Bingo Bingo. Dodge Durango. Papa Shango. Bingo Bango. Yeah. Dodge Durango. Papa Shango.

So these, I went, I had a ton and I went through them with some past guests and some really big fans of the show to kind of narrow them down. Were the past guests also the big fans or are they different people? I won't, I'm not going to out any of your past guests that did not meet in the Venn diagram. Okay, all right. But yeah, there were... We have past guests who aren't big fans? I believe it. Or I just don't, I don't even know if they understand what podcasts are. It's fine, a lot of people.

Someone apparently just learned you can unfollow people on Facebook. This is what I'm saying. Yeah, some people. The grandpas of our generation. Not the dog. I know. Not your phone. I understand.

I assume he's not very tech literate either, though. No, you assume wrong. He's got his own Tumblr page. Yeah. It's people with weird hands. Okay. it's uh uh yeah people with weird hands okay uh so the first one this is a very kind of hippier looking guy on a sky train this is about three months ago and he's on his phone and he's just going yukon yukon the yukon yukon why are you in the Yukon oh futon yeah that's more your style

oh yeah you're not sleeping on the Yukon hey guess where I'm calling from oh you didn't get a futon you didn't get stains all over the Yukon you'll never guess

I'm calling you from a futon this apartment has a from a futon. This apartment has a phone, a futon. That's it. A crouton. I assumed it was,

I'm crashing on someone's futon. I'm like, I'm crashing in the Yucca. What? I'm panning for gold in a futon. I'll call you back. Well, goldfish crackers.

I'm panning for goldfish crackers in a futon. Get cheetos out yeah i've uh i've done that i've crashed on other people's futons that's what futons are for yeah lived for three weeks on a man's uh couch not a futon yeah sleeping on a couch is up that's primo yeah but uh sleeping on a futon, you know what you did. A couch is like a fold-out couch or just the couch couch? Just the couch couch. The couch couch is more comfortable than the fold-out. Yeah. Fold-out is, unless it's like a really high-end couch. Or if you need, like, you got to sleep two people on it, then a fold-out is perfect.

I have slept, in the past, I slept two people on a couch. We took all the cushions out. It wasn't comfortable, but we did it. And you know why we did it? Because of hope and dreams and pride. You took all the cushions out? You should have just taken the back cushions off. No, we took all the cushions out.

Then I cut open the thing and took out any remaining stuffing. Oh, are you thinking of a Tauntaun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We rode the sofa. No, Tauntaun. You're right. Sorry. The futon or Tauntaun? I'm calling you No, Tauntaun. You're right. Sorry. The futon or Tauntaun?

I'm calling you from a Tauntaun. In the Yukon? I know. On the ice planet of Hoth. You guys see that new Star Wars movie? We're releasing this after it's out. Oh, yeah. I didn't like it.

I was surprised that Harvey Keitel was there. But you did see his penis. It's always... It's aging well. It is. He keeps it cropped. The hairs were nice and cropped yeah yeah he's got the penis of uh like a 40 year old man yeah i heard it was some some water world shit like they blew so much of the cji budget just like to make his cgi no cgi and just the penis here so it didn't look like he was balding oh wait a minute is that a thing that happens when you go he was balding his pubes. Oh, wait a minute. Is that a thing

that happens when you go old? You lose your pubes? You go bald of pubes? I don't know if it's for everyone, but for Harvey Keitel, certainly. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

That's the male pattern. Why it's called male pattern baldness is because it's around your wiener. Yeah, I get it. Now, you have a second? Yeah. Well, I have two more. Yeah, I get it. Now, you have a second? Yeah.

Well, I have two more. Yeah, yeah. Okay. If it was two, we would go around the horn and come back. Why don't we do me, you, Graham, you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, is it Dave?

Yeah. Yeah. Go, Dave. Go, Dave, go. I just want to be introduced. Dave, Dave, go. Go, Dave, go. Oh, go. I just want to be introduced. Dave, Dave, go. Go, Dave, go. Oh, guys, I got a doozy.

This is an overseen. It's an inscrutable license plate. I was a, well, I saw two license plates in the same day in the same parking lot. One of them I loved because it was the name Dave, but with three A's. Dave. Dave. So, well with three A's. Dave. So, well, I took it as Dave. Like, you've done it again. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So he's a prankster? Or he just is a constant disappointment. Oh, yeah. Yeah, give me a vanity license plate that lets people know that I'm a constant disappointment. Dave. Or he just, like, makes bad puns. Yeah. People are like. Dave. Or he just like makes bad puns. Yeah.

People are like, Dave. But the one, the inscrutable license plate was, I'll spell it out for you. X-N space T-R-I-K. So I took the- Okay, wait.

X- X-N. N. T-R-I-K. Something trick. Christian trick was all I could make out of it. Christian trick. Like X-N, like X-mas is Christmas, so X-N is Christian.

And X-tina is Christina Aguilera. Oh. Oh, yeah. But I don't know the greatest trick that Christian ever pulled was convincing the world. That Christina Aguilera didn't exist. Oh, man. I used to think she didn't exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Up until like 1998. And then I was convinced she existed. Yeah, yeah. She was like a genie in a bottle. When that dirty video came out, we all lost our virginities. As a culture. Yeah. I had lost mine 15 years earlier when I was 3

yeah but that's only because you wrote a fence and you broke your that's true your spyman in a man called a spyman

spyman yeah I didn't make it up a spy a simple spyman was a spyman a spyman that's what I broke

coming on your show yeah you broke your spyman you broke your spyman okay that's fun that is fun we'll your show. Yeah, you broke your Spiderman. You broke your Spiderman. Oh, that's fun. That is fun. We'll never use it again. I hate it. But it's fun for now.

Well, yeah, I don't like it as a... No, no, it's gross. Well, and it's just... Yeah, it's... Yeah, but we used to say pop your cherry and everybody loved that.

Yeah, well, we were in the Cherry Pop It Daddies. Yeah, that's true. But then we were kicked out for being too swinging. So I went and joined the Squirrel Nut Zippers. Yeah, and I joined the Zoot Suit Riots.

Wait, was that the Cherry Poppin' Daddies? Yeah. Who were the other ones? I don't know. Those are the ones I remember. No, there was a third. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

Anyways, you were about to tell us an overheard. Can anyone make any heads or tails of X and trick X and trick eccentric oh my god we did it oh my god we would have been real good on bumper

stuffers real good but why the space between X and and trick maybe maybe eccentric was taken yeah or good on bumper stuffers. Real good. But why the space between XN and Trick? Maybe XN Trick was taken. Yeah, or he's being real eccentric. Oh boy, I do not like this guy. If his name was Dave, I'd be like, Dave.

Ryan? Hit it. Okay, so these were two hipsters, this was over a year ago. These were two hipster girls on the number four bus, and they got off at the Waldorf. But yeah, one was wearing like all Carhartts, looked like she was going to a longshoreman meeting, but it was like a young 18-year-old girl.

And they're talking, and what I overheard was... Wait, wait, wait. This is why hipster is not a helpful descriptor because you could picture a guy in suspenders I used it for the lack of a better word

it changes from region to region Carhartt is like canvas work wear I was going to say a very main street-y look like, uh, with the folded toque and then, you know,

the, like what Aldius Huxley would be proud of, like buckles everywhere, not a zipper on anyone. Which one's he? The brave new world. Yeah. Yeah.

He hated zippers. Yeah. He was a buckle man. Oh boy. Well, he's going to hate the swing band. Squirrel nut buckles. Um, um yeah i guess just two cool fashionable young girls wearing brown colors okay okay uh and then one said she was like yeah apparently brad hasn't

told his daddy he's gonna be a rapper yet uh the key is to never tell your dad until he finds out. And the other girl just goes, oh no. That is like, you do hope your dad finds out when you're on the cover of King magazine. Yeah. Like, oh man. Like, oh boy.

Like for sure, we're talking about a white rapper here oh definitely and like so say you're big brad voodoo daddy that's my rap name like if you're if you're a parent there's very i think there's very very few things that would make you notorious brad i think there's very few things that would make you notuffbrady Notorious B-R-A-D I think there's very few things that make you not love your kid

finding out there's serial killers one for sure where you're like boo boy I still love him but I'm

disowning him and finding out that your son is a white rapper I think it's pretty difficult

what's worse white rapper or white dreadlocks oh boy if you were Vanilla Ice circa 2002 then you would have both on your hands I think it's pretty difficult to go through. What's worse, white rapper or white dreadlocks? Oh, boy. If you were Vanilla Ice circa 2002, then you would have both on your hands. Whoever Vanilla Ice is now. You'd have bleach on your hands.

You all have bleach on your hands. It was a fun show. Yeah, I don't know, man. I think probably finding out. Because dreadlocks, you could still have a son who has white dreadlocks, but is a productive member of society. Sure. Owns a sprout business.

Yeah, exactly. Holds a clipboard on the street and asks people to sign a petition. Yeah. But Brad the Rapper. Brad the Rapper? Move over, Chance. Check out my SoundCloud. I'm Brad the Rapper move over Chance check out my tone cloud I'm Brad the Rapper oh boy

pretty good okay you haven't overheard my friend I do mine also comes courtesy of the bus and there's a particular

breed of older guy on the bus I'm sure you've seen them that clearly want you to know this guy knows what've seen them. That clearly want you to know. This guy knows what I'm talking about. They clearly want you to know

that when they're not taking the bus, they're totally a motorcycle guy. Oh. Just so you're not under any misconceptions, when it's not raining out, I am the worst person on earth revving my motorcycle. Roomba. I drive a Roomba.

Takes forever to get to work. It's tidy. So this guy, like a Harley Davidson jacket, a fucking motorcycle rings, motorcycle boots, hat that had a picture of a motorcycle on it. Motorcycle toupee motorcycle tee

reading motorcycle weekly so he comes on sits down is the man spreadingest douche bag you've ever seen like legs

like basically like like a gymnast like his legs are like crazy like Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jean-Claude in between the... And he's got one leg

in the aisle blocking people's ability to even get around him. So he's just the worst bag of shit. And then his phone rings and he's talking on the phone. He's in an automatic argument with whoever it is. Whoever's on the other line. Right away he's in an argument argument with whoever it is, whoever's on the other line.

Right away, he's in an argument and hangs up on them. And he's also got the phone ring that's like a, that one. Oh, like an old timey klaxon? Yeah. I thought it was going to be motorcycl-y. No, no, that's what was so funny about it. I thought they were making a female sex noise.

Yeah. Oh, my Simon. My fish taco. And then, so the person calls back and he answers and he's like, I'm so mad right now. I'm so mad right now. You made me swear on the bus. They have that sign that says no swearing. I'm trying to be respectful in my motorcycle off season.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that guy's so cool what would a no swearing sign be? a bunch of like hashtag and at symbol it would be a picture of the jerky boys

with a line through it now do you have another overheard? yeah final also

is this you said this is coming out on the 28th this is gonna be the final I'm not I'm not gonna say it oh boo I'm not gonna say it now oh yeah You said this is coming out on the 28th? This is going to be the final. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it now.

Oh, yeah. I know. I know. I just like to know that. It's going to mean a lot. Yeah. I don't have much going for me. So, yeah, this is a deep, deep cut.

This is in a football locker room. And it was very. Years ago? Yeah. This is like. Or you still go back and hang out in the locker room. Yeah. Yeah. They say, uh, get me if I ever see you here again.

Break your legs. Used to hang my helmet right there. But you're making me uncomfortable. Sir. You're pointing at my penis. You never hung your helmet there. I would though. I'd like to.

Yeah. I could. I'd pour out some mimosas. though. I'd like to. I could. I'd pour out some mimosas. Yeah, just a place to hang my helmet. Hung like a kite hill, you are. So you're in the locker room. Yeah, I was kind of sitting away from this, but there's a nice, friendly, obviously very respectful discussion

of whether people on the team would or would not have sex with Rihanna. Answer across the board, would. No, I would. Look at her forehead. Yeah, well, there was obviously some weird, and then there was some racial. The black teammates were very upset at the white teammates that said no and wanted to find out the reasons. And there is this whole thing. said at the white teammates that said no and wanted to find out the reasons and there is this whole thing but then my buddy comes out of the shower uh and uh he's wearing a towel just like looking

like a dude just like comes up and he's like bro you wouldn't sleep with rihanna she's so big right now yeah she's blowing up yeah what you gonna do for your Q factor? This is 2009, 2010, I think. She was big, in fact, big right now. Oh, yeah. There was seven years, she released an album, seven years and seven albums. Seven albums in seven years. And then she stopped. Yeah.

Now she's retired. Yeah, she's... Is she good? She just knits. Yeah, sexy, sexy outfits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she's into S&M. I'm a big, good, bad, but outfits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she's into S&M. I'm a big grab ad, but I'm perfectly good at it.

Sex in the air, you know that I love the smell of it. Whips and chains may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. Do you think, I was just thinking, do you think Chance the Rapper is... You mean Brad the Rapper? No, no. Chance the Rapper gets the same kind of like, ugh, I can't believe he calls himself that as Cedric the Entertainer does. Does Cedric the Entertainer get that?

I think for most people who consider themselves entertainers, he's like, no, I'm the entertainer. I think most people are like, why didn't I think of that? Yeah. I don't think so. think so yeah why didn't i call myself the entertainer well there was a rapper yeah it's chance the right it's not chance the rapper like i think more just like but it's isn't it should be chance a rapper yeah it's not but it is it's chance of the rap oh you think cedric the entertainer is like cedric the entertainer. He's just like, hmm, all these other entertainers. Yeah, that's how I've always read it.

No, he's like the top entertainer. No, he's not differentiating himself from entertainers. He's differentiating himself from Cedrics. Oh, I never thought about it that way. There's a bunch of different Cedrics. Yeah, there's Cedric the Plumber, Cedric the bricksmith. I lost jobs. I couldn't think of

a second job. I might be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it. Now, we also have overheards sent in from people around the world. If you want to send

one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Jody in, I don't know where from. I don't know where from. Jody what letter? R. Oh.

Jody R. I was going through my art that I drew when I was a teenager. And so this is an overseen. And I found one drawing that my sister had left a message for me on the back of. She's attached a photo as evidence. But in the case, it doesn't come through. It says, and it's just written in kind of scrawly kid writing, poo smells of dead.

Who wants a poo beverage? Not me. Thanks for the note i thought it was gonna be like a phone call that was the note uh yeah i left you a note okay what is it come on read it yeah read it out loud for the whole family here um so yeah i don't know that seems seems like the kind of note i would leave on the back of art if i had the chance with a rapper one time i this is chance the rapper as a as a younger sibling uh one time i uh wrote on something of my brother's and it was the dumbest like we had all gotten back from dinner one night at a restaurant, and I came in.

I immediately grabbed a ruler, found a piece of paper, which was his entire assignment for school, and meant to just trace the outline of the ruler, but didn't do a very good job. And so the one side, I missed the edge, and it was just a big loop. But three sides of the ruler were covered. And then my brother was like... And the ruler had a little tiny

hole in it and I filled that in and it ended up looking like a whale. And everyone was like, what is this? Why did you do this? What's the matter with you? I have to hand this in. That was the funniest thing you could do to a friend that had to hand something in was draw a penis on the assignment. Because there was a lot of handwritten assignments still.

But it wasn't on the side of it. It was in the middle of the page. The size of a ruler. A foot long. Why did you do that? I do not know. It was completely thoughtless. Like, I was eight and he was 16 and it was like serious school stuff.

There's a lot. I think there's a lot of crazy shit that you do with your kid. There's no thought process. What were you thinking? I wasn't. I think two hours a day, maybe. I was carving into our family computer desk, and I was like, uh-oh, this is a real bad idea.

And then to throw my parents off the scent, I just started carving my sister's name. So they'd be like, oh, look who did it. Taffy. What's her name? Taffy. Oh, okay. Wow. So you, how do you account for this, Taffy. What's your name? Taffy. Okay. Wow.

So you... How do you account for this, Taffy? You clearly did it. That was the perfect crime. Because when Ryan does this, he cites his name. We see it all over the bathroom. He's carving the bathroom wall. Mom's a slut Ryan For a good time call our house number

Taffy I might be back on I'm perfectly good at it. This next one comes from Mary from Annapolis. Maryland. That's right. Mary. Mary from Maryland.

Check out their weird flag. It's ugly, but they love it. What is it? Oh, it's like yellow and black and red and white and all these weird patterns. Woof. Woof. By the way, they bleed for it. Well, they're hemophiliacs.

That's their state motto. These colors do run. With blood. This is at an intermission during a screening of Back to the Future with a live orchestra. Oh. Dead. A screening of Back to the Future with a live orchestra. Oh. Dad. This is a dad with a nine-year-old boy. The kid's asking, but what if plutonium was real?

And the dad's saying, plutonium is real. Buddy, that's not the problem with time travel. The kid's like, found the loophole. Like, oh, no, but what if... I bet you could get your hands on plutonium easier than a DeLorean. Mm-hmm. Yeah. In this day and age, you can buy it at any corner store.

Yeah, that's true. I like the idea of seeing Back to the Future with an orchestra, and they even play, like, Johnny B. Goode and put the power of the... Oh, yeah. Oh, I bet they would. Like orchestral versions of it? Why not? You're there anyways.

Huey Lewis is free for the night. Yeah, Huey Lewis is conducting. Oh, he'd be an awesome conductor. Oh, man. Jump in a jean jacket. Yeah, those arms. I wonder if there's a bad boy of conducting. Of course, Gustavo Dudamel. No, but i mean a new one all right like somebody who calls himself the conductor oh sure cedric the conductor he has white gloves but they're fingerless

yeah yes and he doesn't use a little a little stick he uses a bone like yeah oh yeah he's a caveman um this last uh oh no he uses a switchblade maybe oh sure yeah

and he starts every show by saying does anybody want to fight yeah he carves you know

Beethoven was a slut he was um this last one comes from Erica M oh for much music um i was sitting in a burger restaurant and the only other customers were a mom with a group of 10 year old boys it looked like a small birthday party as they uh leave one of the boys thanks the waiter and then doubles back to say, would you like my business card?

And the waiter says, yeah, sure. And then the boy pauses and says, sorry, I don't have any more. I've been handing them out to too many girls. As if that wasn't gold enough, the waiter replies with, you sly dog. Pretty cute, right? Kid with a business card. And the waiter's already got his tip. He doesn't need to engage with the kid.

No, that's true. He got arrested. I would like to get more business cards from kids and see just what is the title they've given this detective. Dinosaur. Dinosaur. Dinosaur, dinosaur. Dinosaur.

I don't know. What are other occupations kids love to have there's bricksmith there's entertainer there's plumber fastest bike rider oh yeah for all your bike riding needs yeah uh future football hall of famer ghost yeah ghost kid casper'd love to get A card from a ghost Yeah me too You were haunted by John John It took me a long time

To come up with that name Most common name John the ghost To separate myself From the other In addition to Overhears that are written And we also accept

Your phone calls If you would like To call us Our phone number is 206-339-832-AIST. I'm a ghost. Like these people here. Hey, Dave Graham and special guest.

It's Mike from Chicago. I've got an overheard for all y'all. I'm walking past a primary school and there are a bunch of kids who are standing around a bike with a flat tire. The guy who owns the bike says, I can't afford air, dude. And his friend then points out his arms and replies, there's air all around us. Love the show. You're made of air.

You're made of air. Wow. Yeah, air is free, isn't it? I like that he had the authentic Chicago accent of all Chicagoans. Yeah, he has a Chicago accent. He loves Philly cheese steaks. Ditchish pizza. Mike Ditka.

What accent are you doing? I'm from Australia, da bears. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Michael Jordan is the finest of the basketballs. Da bears. Da koala bears. This guy nailed it.

Nailed it. Here's your next overheard. Hi, this is Charlie in Brooklyn. I was walking around a major shopping area of downtown Manhattan today, and I overheard a lady with two of her friends. She said, there's so many things that I would like to have, and I just, I really love things.

And one of her friends said, you're materialistic. And there was a long pause while she was thinking. And then she said, that doesn't mean that I can't, doesn't mean I don't, I shouldn't be talking to you guys about this.

That's all. Thank you. Yeah. You called me on my thing. Yeah, well, I like things. Oh, like material things? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're materialistic. No, I like, I mean, you said

thing-oriented. Yeah, like I like stuff as well, I mean, you said thing oriented. Yeah, like I like stuff as well. I'm not just about the things. I'm also about, like, I just want to own the everything. I want to own.

I just want to own it. Yeah. Makes me feel good. Derived pleasure from that. But other. It's like, I like things more than people is my,

that's me. Do you know what would be a thing like, because I like going on like an eBay and stuff, and I like bidding on a thing, and I like winning, but I don't really want the thing. Yeah, I don't like winning.

I like bidding on a thing and seeing if the price goes up. I like getting a tiny charge of that. What about an app that was like eBay, but you're just bidding? You're just bidding. You're just trying to outbid somebody. Or it's something, not even bidding, it's like a gambling thing where

you get to guess what it's going to go for. Ooh, that's fun. That's really fun. A bidding thing where everyone that bids and doesn't have to buy the thing that doesn't exist gets a certain amount of money, but if you're the last guy that bids, then you have to pay that full amount.

Oh, yeah. It's like musical chairs. Yeah yeah of gambling and i like that it's kind of a bit of prices right yeah a bit of gambling it's a bit that's like bidding i don't know how or like it's you need an algorithm for like how much you bet versus how much you win if you don't have to buy that thing and then how much you bid is what you pay for it yeah and like you there's and the more you like. The person who bids the second most wins the most. Oh, yeah. So you're sort of encouraged to keep bidding

because otherwise you can just walk away after one bid. Yeah, the rush of that would be exhilarating. That's what I mean. It's like going on eBay and outbidding somebody and waiting, going right down to the wire and sneaking in a bid at the last second. Lots of fun. Yeah.

And you have to have a thing. There's computer, like there's sniping services that you can use that you just say your maximum bid and it will bid that for you at the last minute. That's no fun. It's sort of fun. And if you are worried about like buyer's remorse. Yeah, I guess. Because I sometimes get that where I bid on something and then I forget about it.

And then like four days later, I'm like, oh no, I'm going to win that. Yeah, I'm going to win that tour of that haunted castle. Here is your final overheard of... Oh no, Dave's... Laryngitis. He's dying. He's got an arrow through his chest.

Oh no! Everyone's a suspect. Hello, Dave and Graham and maybe possibly a guest. This is Alicia in Chicago. I'm calling it an overheard. I was in the grocery store

today and it's a few days before Thanksgiving so a lot of people were buying turkeys. And I was standing by these big racks full of turkeys, and I heard someone say to their friend, very sincerely, said, So turkey, turkey's just a big chicken, right? Bye. Timing is everything on that call.

Really let the moment land. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't know enough about chickens. Yeah. Like, let alone turkeys. But I know that there's no such thing as turkey fights is whereas cockfights are when someone you don't know there's no such thing no absolutely you think i haven't googled this you think i haven't gone to mexico looking for more extreme animal fights

yeah on thanksgiving they do yeah one gets pardoned he doesn't have to fight. And then the rest have to fight. To what? Stay out of jail? Turkey jail? Which is always a death sentence. There's nobody doing life in turkey jail. Maybe in some states. In some states. If you're too much of a chicken, is that you're such a big chicken, people call you a turkey?

Yeah, but they're both insults. Nobody being called a chicken or a turkey both insults. What other birds are insults? Crow. Ostrich. Ostrich. Pigeon. Pigeon. The crow. Eagle. Bald eagle. If I call you bald, if I call you an eagle and you're going bald, it's assumed that

it's making fun of your baldness. But if I call you the crow, it's because you're a goth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you came back from the dead. Those are the two options. You're pulling a real the crow a goth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the crow over here. Or you came back from the dead. Those are the two options. You're pulling a real the crow. Magpie. Yeah. Bird brain in general.

Yeah, bird brain over here. Road runner, road runner. Those are all of them, I think. Yeah, I think there's six birds. Yeah. Oh, don't be such a penguin. Yeah. But that's usually the Batman character.

You dodo head. Oh, dodo, yeah. Dodo's, yeah, dodo's bad. Owls are wise. But you wouldn't call someone, he's a real owl. Unless he handed you a diploma and he was wearing one of those mortarboard hats. Yeah, sucking on a Tootsie Roll pop. Yeah, yeah, then you'd be like, thank you, Professor Owl.

School was a real hoot. We're wrapping the year up in style. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. What is resolutions? Quick resolutions before we move on with our lives. I'm going to try to watch more Netflix. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I've often going to try to watch more Netflix. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I've often said you don't watch enough Netflix.

Yeah. It's sort of like that eBay thing. I get a charge out of browsing. I get a charge out of adding something to my list of things to watch. Then I walk away. Yeah, yeah. No, that's the most fun, picking things out. It's the same with the grocery store.

Sometimes I'll just make a basket, sometimes I'll just you know make a basket and I'll just leave it there with a note that says this is an awesome basket yeah I picked out some real good it's a gift basket yeah yeah

chocolates melons yeah chocolates melons peaches all your erotic fruits

yeah oysters can of can of smoked oysters. Steamed. Well, smoking an oyster doesn't make any more sense than steaming an oyster. No, I know, but you can buy smoked oysters, but buying a thing of steamed oysters. I don't know.

They'd be like, eat these immediately. Don't take them home. What is a smoked oyster? Have you seen it? It's those things that come in the tin. They're real slimy. They're really, really gross. Great with crackers. I've in the tin. They're real slimy. They're like really, really gross.

Great with crackers. I've had regular oysters. Great with crackers? Yeah. All right. All your white friends. No, don't be sorry. I like regular oysters.

I mean, I'll eat them. They feel like a real, you know. Like a sneeze that you held in? Yeah, there's these on the menu. That'll be a fun

extravagance. Who's paying? Yeah, there's these on the menu. That'll be a fun extravagance. Who's paying? Yeah, yeah. Are we all trying to be horny later? Okay, then I'll order the oysters. Now, Ryan, this brings us to the end of this episode. This is it. The end, man.

I did it! You did it. A lot of people die. A lot of people die mid-episode. A lot of people don't get through the obstacle course. Yeah. We take a break during every podcast. Yeah lot of people don't get through the obstacle course. We take a break during every podcast. Yeah, and you never talk about it on the podcast.

No, no. It's really weird. People don't make it through. And then in the second half, we just have Dr. Joyce Brothers. She's always on standby. She's our... Tony Randall. Al Roker. Now, do you have anything to plug?

Yeah. This is coming out on the 28th? Yeah. If you like mediocrity, my Twitter account is perfect for that. Now, do you have anything to plug? This is coming out on the 28th? Yeah. If you like mediocrity, my Twitter account is perfect for that. You can follow me at RyanOrNot. Don't search Ryan Williams. You're going to get a very attractive gay nude model.

He'll come up first. Or if that is your thing, then you can do that. Do you feel like once you're the top search result for Ryan Williams that you will have made it? Absolutely, because there's a lot of Ryan Williams. There's like two politicians. There's a running back, a Ryan Williams in the NFL. Oh, right. Yeah.

Have I have you as anyone suggested that you become a new gay model? Or why don't you call yourself Ryan the comedian? I don't I think the comedian hasn't been taken yet. I was going to call myself Ryan that Canadian guy or Ryan the Harley guy. Yep, those are already taken. I could tell you for a fact those are both already taken. Although there's nobody on the scene right now that has blank the anything. No current Canadian comics of the next generation have put a the anywhere in their stage name.

I encourage any Canadian comedians listening to do so. Sure, like Dave the Podcaster. Yeah, or Craig the Comedian. These are the two things I can think of. The and comedian. Frank the Funny Man. Oh, that's pretty good. Craig T. The and comedian. Craig, well. Frank the funny man. Yeah. Oh, that's pretty good.

Craig T. Nelson. It's Craig the Nelson. Craig the Nelson. Oh, shit. Yeah, you didn't know that. No, because he was trying to differentiate himself from Nelson the band. Yeah. In the city.

Yep, absolutely. Uh-huh. They shot Roxanne there. Is that true? Yeah. Oh. That's Nelson's big claim to fame. Nelson British Roxanne there. Is that true? Yeah. That's Nelson's big claim to see. Nelson, British Columbia. Yeah.

Why of all cities would they pick draft dodging central Nelson? I'm sure there was some sort of tax credit on the table. So follow Ryan Williams. Yeah. At Ryan Williams. At Ryan or not, because I couldn't think of anything more clever. That's good enough. You can change it.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah. If you live in Victoria, I'm going to be at Heckler's Comedy Club on the 6th and the 7th. That place is pretty cool. Of February? Of February. Okay.

And yeah, follow me. I have a podcast coming out with two other Vancouver comedians, Stephen McNeil and James Kennedy. It's called Steel Toes Required, and it's a podcast about horrible construction jobs. And we'll have a comedian, a guest on, to talk about their awful job that they've had in the past and the frightening people you'll work with.

Oh, yeah. But in a fun way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Oh, boy. There's a fun way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Oh, boy. There's a lot of stories out there. Yeah. What's it called? Steel Toes Required?

Yeah. Yes. Yes. So look for that. And you're also a gay porn star. Yes. A gay nude model. Is that right?

That is correct. Oh, sorry. That's my mistake. Gay nude model. Yeah. That doesn't mean you're a porn star. Yeah, because it's very tasteful. That's the thing.

It's like every time. Would you say it's tasty tasteful that's the thing is like every time would you say it's tasty oh deaths would you say most deaths uh no out of respect to uh to whatever he calls himself yes and bay is that it's uh it's new uh handle yeah yes and b yes and bay yes in bay yes and bay Yes, and B. Yes, and B? Yes, and B. Yes, and B. All right. Graham, do you have anything to plug? Do you have a New Year's resolution? I am, yeah, you know what? I think your Netflix one really inspired me. I'm going to watch at least one thing that I have no interest in,

but that everybody keeps telling me is something that they love. Like what? You know, some series or a movie that I have no interest in but people are like, oh, it's so good. Like Downton Abbey or something that I have zero interest in but everybody says is really good. I'm going to do that. I'm going to give a series or a movie a try that I would never otherwise do so. Fine. Ris so. Fine. Risky.

Wow. Yours was just mine was fake. Mine is also fake. You're going to do it. No, I'm not. Yes, I am. Mine is my new resolution is. No, you can't pick a new one.

You get to pick one. Ryan can pick one for you. Oh, wow. Yeah. Ryan can pick one for you uh oh wow yeah uh do each thing every day

that scares you a new thing every day that scares me oh god everything I do every day must scare me

no no it's fine it's fine that's totally your resolution oh boy I was hoping it was gonna be be excellent

to each other. Two. Say it one more time. Do each thing every day that scares you. Oh my god. So every day you're going to have to have an encounter with a would-be murderer. You're going to have to run for office.

Each thing. A lot of slender mans. Oh my god, I'm going to have a drawer full of slendermen. Slender people guys. Oh sure my God. I'm going to have a drawer full of Slenderman. Slender people, guys. Oh, sure. Thanks. 2016. Thanks for being on the show, man.

Yeah, thanks for having me. I say this. It means a lot. I've been a fan of the podcast for a long time. Well, you guys have always been there. Yeah. It's true. Think of it.

And if you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org to check out the blog recap, uh, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Yeah. Uh, uh, SNM by Rihanna. Sure. Uh, Cedric the Entertainer. Uh-huh. Um, or Chance the Rapper.

Yeah. Or Brad the Rapper. Oh, if you can find a picture of him. He's very mysterious. Carhartt, maybe Carhartt clothing. Oh yeah. Carhartt clothing Very good, very good That kind of thing, man Yeah, you get it

Yeah And if you like the show Make it your New Year's resolution To tell ten of your friends Ten of your best friends Not your shitty friends That you're only hanging on to That you've unfollowed on Facebook

And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.