Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 407 - Peter Carlone
Episode Date: January 4, 2016Comedian Peter Carlone returns to talk high school gyms, trampolines, and found wallets....
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Hi, he's Dave Shumka.
And he's Graham Clark.
And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.
Woo!
Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 407 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the first episode of the new year.
My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who was visited by three spirits on New Year's Eve, Mr. Dave Shumka.
Yeah, first he came and one of one of them, showed me his dick.
Showed me what life
would be like without his dick.
And it was scary.
Second one was like,
uh, this is
what would happen if you
had two dicks.
Awesome, was it great? It was the greatest.
You're like, how do
I live that reality?
Well, I can if I repent.
So the next morning I yelled at some kids and I was like, go buy me whatever you buy on the first day of the new year.
Buy me the biggest pair of underwear you can find.
Wait, what was the third ghost?
Oh, yeah.
The third we missed.
There was a third we missed.
Oh, he was me if I died in some kind of sexual deviancy involving multiple penises.
I didn't pay attention.
Yeah, you were stuck on that two penis guy.
New Year's was intense for you.
Oh, yeah.
And they all looked like Ryan Seacrest.
Oh, my God.
Different ages of Ryan Seacrest?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The future one was
in a hood.
I feel like that's the holiday that has more
Scrooges than Christmas. Don't more
people hate? Like when New Year's comes around,
it's 50-50.
People are like, New Year's is the best.
And New Year's is the worst. Yeah, everyone's been
burned. No one's been burned by Christmas.
No, that's true.
Or fewer.
New Year's, i feel like people really yeah they ramp it up they really want it to be something special
yeah kind of never is and this this has come out after a bunch of those yeah people listening right
now don't know that it we recorded this yesterday it's live it. It's live. They've been burned.
They're fresh burned.
What I will say, since you were so quick to tip our hand, we're recording this before Christmas.
That's true.
And also, the person's voice you're hearing is a very funny comedian.
Peter Carlone is our guest.
Hello.
Listen, I'm sorry I ruined 400 episode legacy of
of lying to the
audience. Stop podcasting.
These were all recorded in 2009.
Yeah, they were recorded in one day
at Sun Studios.
Should we get to know us?
Yeah.
Get to know us. Have either of you ever had what you would uh categorize as like a really
fun new year's eve yeah i've had good ones yeah uh uh with friends and stuff never like a romantic
new year's eve i've never had a romantic new year's eve either that i can
because what are you supposed to do you're supposed to be in a crowd of people and then
the crowd of people turns away and then you climax at midnight yeah i don't know they turn away uh
i think yeah it's either the turn away you find a private spot in the party to go smooch
or it's in the chaos it's like in the middle of everybody running around clapping and confetti is falling. And the camera moves in.
Yeah, camera moves in.
Gary Marshall is like, kiss.
Yeah.
Kiss, Ashton.
Unless you're the couple near the camera and you guys have to move out of the way so the camera can make it to the stars.
And you pretend to talk.
Wobble, wobble, wobble.
Yeah, yeah.
Ruba, ruba, ruba.
Wobble, wobble.
Wobble, wobble.
Robble, wobble.
Do you do New Year's resolutions?
Is that part of your life?
I try not to.
Right.
Just because it's a cliche thing and everybody's like, oh, you're not going to do it.
But you can't escape that feeling of it's the new year.
Like, oh, I wonder what will be fresh.
Yeah.
I wonder what will be new for me.
Ignoring the fact that it's just another day
yeah that it's like it's just the same week as last week yeah but you're thinking there's
the feeling of you can't escape that feeling of like being a new person maybe does have that sort
of like the day does feel different than other day yeah like and it might just be yeah it might
just be because everywhere is closed all the stores are closed and you're like, my New Year's resolution
is to have all these stores closed
for one day.
And maybe you've been burned
or not burned.
Yeah.
Either way,
you feel a little different.
Yeah, I mean,
7-Eleven's not going to close.
No, that's true.
Oh, what if they did?
What if that was
their New Year's resolution?
We're only going to be open
from 7 to 11
and I'm not talking
about 16 hours.
I'm talking about 4. Yeah. In the morning, we're open from 7 to 11. And I'm not talking about 16 hours. I'm talking about 4.
Yeah.
In the morning.
We're open from 7am
to 11am.
I just wanted my
breakfast taquito.
Yeah, a very specific
group of people would
be like, that doesn't
change my plans at all.
Yeah, I come in there,
get my morning Twizzlers
and head to work.
Abby and I had a
slurp, like I used to drink Slurpees
every single day
from like age 12 to age 28.
Yeah.
And then I just stopped
and...
Cold turkey.
Yeah, well, it wasn't hard.
It was just like
they started making me dehydrated.
What were the sizes
you were rolling in
towards the end?
Big. The big ones. The big gold. Dude ones like two pack a day slurpee guy i never that was the only size i ever did was the big yeah unless
i like the only that's so much sugar the only reason not to have the biggest slurpee would be
like oh i'm i'm gonna be late for my flight yeah yeah or uh yeah i have to show up for thanksgiving
dinner yeah so i'll just have a small one
And then I'll have one after dinner
And for some reason
On election day this past year
This one, okay
Or last year I guess
We were like
We're covering our tracks
We both had the idea
Let's stop and get Slurpees
Fresh start
So did you get a big one?
Did you jump right back in?
Oh, a little one
Little guy.
Little guy.
I think that's all I ever got was the little ones.
I never graduated to bigger Slurpees.
I always felt that they were more syrupy than just getting a soda.
I think so.
Yeah, they're great.
Aren't they?
Yeah, they're great.
But you can't, yeah, it's a timing thing.
They'll melt as you drink them, the big ones.
So you had quit for a while, and then Justin Trudeau,
you're like, holy, we need a Slurpee.
Yeah, this is change we can believe in.
The other good reason for getting the big ones
is often it's a collectible cup.
Oh, yeah.
Around election day, what was the collectible cup?
I don't know.
We didn't really go.
We went to Mac.
Obama-rama.
Why would it be Obama?
I don't know.
Around Canadian Election Day?
Yeah.
They were making the cups and they couldn't remember.
Let's just do the present one.
They were rooting through the back and they were like, I don't know.
The Owls of Gahool.
I don't know.
That doesn't fit.
Obama. That's good.. I don't know that. That doesn't fit. Obama.
That's good.
And I still have a bunch.
I've got ones from maybe the old Star Wars.
The old Star Wars.
2002.
Oh, the Jar Jars.
Oh, yeah.
Well, they actually had promotional jars for that one.
It was very subtle.
Yeah.
And like the Terminator reboot oh yeah oh man and they're
great terminator salvation maybe yeah and they're great for like yeah terminator with the one where
christian bale was mad at a guy that's the cup it's an image of him yelling yeah and it's one
of those that changes when you look at it. It's him being calm
and then him screaming
at the guy.
Oh,
on this angle
they're not through
professionally
and on this angle
they are.
On the other side
it's just the,
what was it,
the gaffer or something?
Yeah.
Just shrugging.
No,
it was a robot.
I don't know what I did
to make him mad.
It was a robot
that was first day on set.
First day in the world.
He didn't know.
He kept calling him
Chris Bale.
Hey,
it's Chris Bale. What a casual first day in the world. He didn't know. He kept calling him Chris Bale. Hey, it's Chris Bale.
What a casual first day for that robot.
What's up, Chris?
But those, I hold on to them because they're good for smoothies.
Oh, yeah.
They're good for milkshakes.
Oh, they're still in active service.
Oh, yeah.
And they're good for if you want to pour a can of Coke in the freezer.
And then eat it with a spoon.
That just sounds like
that just sounds like
moonshine slurpee
yeah
it's the moonshine
it's toilet slurpee
yeah
um
that's the best
so it's been a while
since we've had you on
yes
and uh
what I did last time
fill us in
what what uh
on my life
yeah
tell us
spin us a yarn
tell us a story, daddy.
Chris and I have a show.
Chris Wilson.
Chris Wilson.
Past guest.
It's like a physical comedy, sketch comedy kind of show.
And we normally do the Fringe and comedy festivals.
Yeah.
But this time, this year was our first time doing a lot of small town tours,
like little tours outside of the main tour we put together.
Oh, okay.
Trail and Nelson, Quadra Island, stuff like that.
And we just recently did two weeks in Kelowna.
Two weeks in Kelowna.
Yeah.
Not a run at a theater.
Oh, just hanging out in Kelowna for a bit?
No, no, schools.
Middle schools and high schools.
Doing your show?
And doing our show.
But does it have to have like an anti-smoking message now?
Well, it was weird.
The guy that booked us, we were very clear because he saw us at this sort of booking
whatever festival thing and we do our bit and he's like, that's funny.
You guys are funny guys.
Let's book you for the school is this is this the coca thing where it's everybody
they like showcase for coca school bookers it's called pacific contact okay sure yeah yeah same
thing but it's the coca leaf yeah yeah yeah everybody's super energetic yeah it's really
set up and take it down in an afternoon and we all
we all
showcase our bits
at the same time
on the stage
and everyone just
talks about music
yeah
and like how
we gotta stay in contact
cause we're gonna like
we're really gonna work
on this project
it's gonna be huge
I don't think I've
I've only
still only been around
cocaine people
in movies
you've only been around
your
like the only so you've not been around your like the only
so you've not dabbled
no
but I wouldn't
but I don't even think
I've been around people
who've been on
who've dabbled
I've been around
I know
but you're a comedian
well maybe I have
yeah I think you have
and maybe you just didn't
yeah I'm pretty
like
didn't know
I'm pretty
what do you call it
naive
yeah cause I thought I hadn't I thought I didn't know pretty uh what do you call it naive yeah because i thought i hadn't i thought
i didn't know anybody who did coke and then i was like uh talking to somebody and they were like oh
remember that one night when they talked to you for half an hour straight and i was like yeah i
just thought they were just really excited and they were like yeah because they were hot
uh yeah i think I think it's because
movies make it seem
like this insane.
Yeah.
Oh,
that person's clearly on coke
because of the big gun he has.
Yeah,
and all the mirrors
he's carrying
with cocaine on them.
Yeah.
And he's introducing his friends
to his other friend.
But like,
in real life,
I think it's just like coffee
or something.
It's just sort of like
taking too much Advil or something. Yeah, and it's like, it will just seem a little bit, I think it's just coffee or something. It's just sort of like taking too much Advil or something.
Yeah, and it's like...
It will just seem a little bit...
I do like Advil.
But that would be a good app.
If you like this type of thing, you might like this type of drug.
Like, I like Advil.
Okay, man.
Okay.
Do you like four Advils? do you like four advils you might like just a bit of
cocaine yeah i i'm uh like i've slowly been like reading 10 books at the same time unless
wait wait wait at the same time like throughout this course of time or do you lay all 10 books no yeah i built a contraption
it's very dr susie yes um they're all just precariously balanced yeah
perhaps i shall catch this page uh but last night i like i stopped reading the dirt the uh
motley crew book oh yeah for about six months and then i picked it up last night yeah and like they do so many drugs like all the time yeah i'm sure i would die the first time i touched absolutely
yeah yeah it's uh and they're all still alive at least poop my pants oh they probably poop their
pants i i know i'm the statistic kid the the one you know when they're like somebody took it once
and his eyes melted like i'm I'm going to be that one.
Everybody else has like, oh, it's fine.
He just didn't know he was crazy allergic to Coke.
Yeah, everybody else just has a good camping trip.
You lose control of the left half of your body.
Forever?
Yeah.
Oh, he didn't have Coke.
He had a stroke.
Yeah.
Ah, from the stroke elite.
So you were at these middle schools.
Oh, boy.
And was it, like, to me, that sounds like a nightmare.
That sounds like instant death to me, but am I wrong?
It was one of those situations where you think about how it's going to go down.
You're like, oh, these kids are going to hate it.
They're going to think they were so lame or they're not going to laugh.
And like, we're going to be in gyms, which we were.
Yeah.
No lighting.
Just like even Costco lights.
So, and what did the principal come out?
Like everybody?
Oh, it was the worst.
Everybody put your hands in the air.
Quiet.
Oh, that thing.
Yeah.
There was some of that.
And then.
There was some, there was some talk about being respectful.
And like, I know you guys.
Because of the last time.
Yeah.
And there was a lot of, you know, close your cell phones.
Yeah.
You know, respect.
I know you guys want to be respectful and, you know.
Right.
But these guys, the guys back here behind this curtain, which looked like two curtains from my living room that were tied up between the speaker poles
that we also had to bring and rent from Long and McQuaid.
And they looked like that because they were.
We didn't have a backdrop, so we're like,
I'll just use my living room curtains.
So we're hiding behind the living room curtains.
These guys are a pair of improvs,
and they're going to come out and do some skits.
And then one school
we were stand-ups.
Another one we were performers.
And that's like, okay, fair. We got there.
And just don't tell
kids how funny we are.
If you're the principal.
These guys are like a six.
These guys are the funniest.
Oh, you're going to love them.
Like, don't tell kids.
Don't build it up too much.
Don't build it up and don't tell kids.
I only like people on Vine.
Yeah.
Mention our merch table.
Please mention the merch.
So how did they go over?
You know what?
Okay, so the first three uh days which was six
shows like we did you do a show at nine which is the perfect time for comedy 9 a.m but also like
it's the first thing the kids are doing that day as well oh yeah oh they haven't even gotten
they haven't but also it's like it's not they haven't had their medicine yet like you're giving
them a treat before you're ready.
That's true.
You have to be like, if you make it through 10 o'clock, you can see this show.
That's true.
I mean, the second show was probably that then.
Those ones that had their medicine first.
Of like half a math class.
I don't know what their schedule was.
And then they get trotted into the gym and they don't want to be here.
Of course they do.
Yeah, no, they want to be in the gym.
That's a good point.
Because the alternative is either.
The other half of the gym, the math class.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The only people that don't want to be there are somebody that has a spare.
That wants to.
They have to go.
Well, they don't have to, but then they'll be the only kid in the school that didn't
see the thing.
And then the rest of the day.
Just out by the smoking doors.
Yeah.
Vaping. There was so much vaping
Really?
They vape a lot
Hmm
Kids today?
Kids today
Kids these days
Not indoors
Well no
Outside where
You would
One would traditionally
I mean Calgary
In the smoker pit
In the smoker pit
Smoke pit
Or the smoke
I had smoking doors
Just like the exit doors
Near the The gym I think But there. Just like the exit doors near the gym, I think.
But there's places you can vape inside, I think.
I wonder if in the school they're like, no, no vaping.
Yeah.
The vape lounge is closed because you guys didn't treat it properly.
Yeah.
You didn't treat it respectfully.
The Sir Wilford Laurier Memorial Vape Lounge.
The vape lounge.
Oh, man.
I wonder if I could...
Can I write a will and write that into the will like,
if I die, I want you to put a memorial...
Vape Lounge.
Vape Lounge in my old high school.
Could you have that on your tombstone
and thus declare the area around your grave?
Yeah, this area is cool with vaping.
The Grave Clock Memorial and Vape Lounge?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, like, it's the same.
You're, like, entombed.
Yeah, I'm like
Hansel on the wall.
I haven't seen the new Star Wars yet.
Oh, no, this is the old Star Wars.
Well, he might be the new one. No, that's true.
Maybe he gets refrozen.
And then on his way down, he's just like, again.
And then the audience is like, again?
Yeah.
Oh, you're not supposed to freeze something twice.
But that would be like...
It's bad for it.
It actually damages the fibers.
Actually, it's the thawing that damages it.
The freezing's not the problem.
The freezing happens quickly enough.
You know the sequels to Austin Powers or Wayne's World
where it was just all the same jokes again?
Yeah.
That would be the best if it was just like,
well, people like this the first time.
This is just the greatest hits.
Weren't they successful?
Wouldn't it be maybe a bit successful if it was the same?
Well, the first Austin Powers sequel was successful.
I think the third one, people were like, again, right.
Again with the shit.
Um, so.
Do an offensive Indian guy next.
Yes.
And then he was like, okay.
Yeah.
You got it.
You got it.
Um, so, so the kids, the 9am shows.
Oh yeah.
Good.
Bad. Okay. Like I was going to say that the first three days were horrible like it was all the nightmares coming true like what what uh every
kid brought a laser pointer yeah like chris and i are back there we're doing and and uh our bit
it's very physical comedy right it's not just we're not just standing there and like good thing you're in a gym yeah exactly so but we're like we're doing it's not physically awesome comedy it's physically
we're just we run around a lot i mean it's like if south park if terrence and philip were real
canadian a canadian duo i think that's. And so we're running around telling our little soft fart jokes and,
and,
and running around the stage and we had to cut our bluer stuff.
Right.
Uh,
because,
uh,
because it's a school.
Right.
Yeah.
You know,
even though they'd hurt,
like,
I'm sure they would be fine with the odd blue joke here and there.
They watch and make them all the time.
Yeah.
But we're representing a school.
Right.
So right off the bat, they are an off-board.
Just the opposite of interested.
This is a middle school?
Middle schools and high schools.
Like, we were getting both.
And I'd say halfway through our 45-minute show,
they were kind of a little won over.
And it was only because they realized that there wasn't going to be any learning going on.
Ah, okay.
Which is what you asked earlier.
Yeah, yeah.
There wasn't.
We made it very clear to the guy that booked us.
We're like, we don't have a message.
This is just sketch comedy.
We're not going to be throwing anything at them at the end.
Like, oh, also, did you like those laughs?
Hey, don't drink and drive.
Yeah.
Be nice to an amputee.
Yeah.
But just this one amputee.
Charles.
Be nice to the amputee.
And so on the fourth day, we kind of figured it out.
And that was right off the top, you kind of have to harass them a little bit.
It's like a bouffant clown thing.
Oh, really?
Like, you have to come out like, come on.
You could do better than that.
Yeah, you go out and you kind of make fun of them a little bit.
You pick, like, one of the really cool kids or something.
How can you tell who's cool?
Pompadour.
It's usually Pompadour Switchblade.
It's like the cigarette case rolled up in the sleeve.
He's got his vape thing in his sleeve.
His vape thing is rolled up in his sleeve.
You see the weird wonky antenna poking out.
That's stretching his shirt out.
Yeah.
He turns on an iPad with a fist.
Like a jukebox.
So cool.
Just to hit set.
The modern Fonzies.
Yeah.
Rolls in on the hoverboard.
Yeah.
I mean, more or less.
A pompadour man bun.
These are things.
These are updates.
Classic.
The updates.
You look for the 2015 version, I guess.
Yeah.
Do they look like they probably bullied me in high school when I was going there?
They're the cool kid, though.
Does it look like the Chixel cream?
So you would point them out and be like, hey, don't be Mr. Cool Guy?
My favorite is just like a lot of them would show up late.
Oh, yeah.
You know, they just couldn't figure out how to get to the gym.
That's a power move.
Yeah, it's a very power move, especially if you're doing like a piece of theater.
If you're doing a talk, then whatever, you come in late, whatever.
We're doing in the middle of our play play trying to set up this like comedy and then you hear the loud door like yeah walks in the collar on his leather bomber is
flipped yeah he walks and that point i would stop doing like the opening sort of monologue thing. Oh, it showed up.
Nice.
Nice of you to join us.
Oh,
and did people love it?
It was always when we went to the talking about them vaping or at the smoke
doors.
Were you having a smoke?
Were you vaping?
Do kids know vaping is funny?
I don't know.
I think so.
I mean,
it got a laugh,
but they were also vaping. it wouldn't work with in my day
like oh were you smoking and the guy would be like yes i was oh you're cool
plan b where'd you get your trench coat i love it that's true yeah that's true but i think that we
we were or those kids now are in the like, we're all aware it's bad
phase.
Right.
I went to high school when, well, smoking.
I went to high school when smoking was like still pretty cool.
But like, so you make fun of the cool guy and then is that kind of like, hey, he's taken
down our alpha.
He's our new alpha.
It wasn't unlike that. like you definitely poke at them a
little bit and then i made fun of the gym which always worked yeah you're like thanks for putting
us in your voting place basically i just say like the mood is set for our play you know the lighting
is perfect just a nice even fluorescent light the kind of light that 15 years from now we'll be like, hey, those are really bad for us.
Oh, well.
Kids just have all kinds of weird tumors on the tops of their heads from this dousing of fluorescence.
What if there was research and it turns out baldness was caused by the kids who didn't skip gym all went bald?
All the cool kids.
I have just great hair.
Perfect hair.
You know what?
It makes sense.
It does make sense.
And I would have somebody to sue for this, finally.
I've always wanted, I'm losing my hair a little bit.
You know, you can tell with the whip and the thing in the back.
And I've always wanted somebody to blame.
But it turns yeah my parents
yeah yeah the genes um what is you do you have a plan for for your balding are you gonna you're
gonna shave it off i'm so glad you asked i have a 10-year body plan okay lay it lay it out here's
what i want to do all right i'm what am, what am I, 170, 180 or something right now?
Pounds.
Okay.
Years old.
Years old.
I'm a cool 180.
Well, if I still have a head of hair like that when I'm 180 years old, I'm like 170, 180.
I don't remember.
I don't remember my age because I'm so old.
It was tough for me to relate to the teenagers because I was 150
years older than them.
I told them about all the major wars
I'd been in. You guys vaping that
hard tack?
Alright, so 10 year body plan.
I want to gain another 20-30
pounds. Fat?
I want it to be fat, but then
I want to become strong.
I want to start working out.
That's how it works.
First, you have to get really fat.
Then you just wheel it into muscle.
Yeah, it just gets stale.
Then it hardens up.
Yeah.
Leave it out for a bit.
So the plant, I'd like to be huskier is what I'm getting at.
Okay.
Okay.
And then I'm working on the beard.
Okay.
You know, I want to get it a big, I want to get it going.
Yep.
And then. A full beard
And then shaved up top
Just completely
Like shaved
Or like bicked
I'm thinking
Statham
Style
Real short
Real short
Real short but he's fine with it
Yeah
Do you think you'll be able to do
He can do whatever he wants
He wears a lot of hats
That's true
He can do whatever he wants
And I want to
You know be That do whatever I want.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, me too.
I'm sure we all do.
Well, actually, I want to be told.
I want to be told what to do.
I want a British guy to tell me what to do.
Like a statement.
This is a good plan.
I like my plan because it involves what naturally happens when you eat lots of Wendy's and go bald.
Except there is one element in there.
Exactly, but that's not bad as a one element fix.
I just have to change who I am.
At the core.
And feel like working out.
What do you like at Wendy's?
What do I like at Wendy's?
Yeah.
And have you noticed that they say, welcome to my Wendy's at the drive-thru?
They do?
Welcome to my Wendy's?
Yeah. Like as in they're taking the possessive say, welcome to my Wendy's at the drive-thru? They do? Welcome to my Wendy's? Yeah.
Someone.
Like as in they're taking the possessive, like welcome to my, this is my Wendy's.
Someone, because we've talked about that on the show before at the local Wendy's that I go to.
Uh-huh.
Which one's your spot?
8th and Camby.
8th and Camby?
Yeah.
8th and Camby? Isn't it Camby and Broadway? Well. Ith and Cambie? Yeah. Eighth and Cambie?
Isn't it Cambie and Broadway?
Well...
It's right on the corner there.
It does have a two block.
But if you're driving through it.
It's a complex.
If you're driving through it, it's only eight.
Yeah.
The Wendy's District.
But...
I love that Wendy's.
They say, welcome to my Wendy's.
And someone wrote and said, oh yeah, I just heard another Wendy's say that and
I googled it and it's a thing
that's like they that's a corporate speak
yeah like make sure you say that
it's a fireable offense if you
say welcome to the Wendy's
welcome to a Wendy's
I don't care
what's your pick?
my pick for restaurant that one
my pick for meal
my pick for restaurant, that one. My pick for meal.
My pick for meal, the number six.
What's that?
Spicy chicken.
You get an upsized fries and a Coke.
Is that what they call them, upsized?
No, I say that.
What do they call it?
They say what size do you want.
Small, medium, large.
No, they don't have like a... They used to.
Do you want a maximum Biggie
Biggie
Size it
It was Biggie
And I just hated saying
Biggie
Can you Biggie size my fries
Can you Dave Thomas it up
Can't you Dave Thomas it up
Sometimes your burgers
Just hypnotize me
The thing to realize
About me and my love
Of Wendy's
Is it's very extensive
I tweet at them all the time
They follow me on Twitter
Doesn't cost them anything.
Wendy's Canada or Wendy's
Wendy's Corporation.
Just at Wendy's? The American one.
What the fuck? At Wendy's.
I had a thing back and forth for a while
with Arby's. Does it cost them anything?
To answer your question, Dave, it does not cost
them anything to follow me. And it makes me feel
like a million bucks.
And I spend lots of money there and tweet about it all the time oh crap i just figured out their their system uh i had a thing
going with arby's for a long time yeah sweet negative or a positive thing no i don't go i've
never only been there once in my whole life and so i don't really know what they serve there like
i know it's some sort of beef some some sort of pressed meat, roasted beef.
Yeah.
But like beef in its craziest, flattest form, like rolled out.
It looks weird.
It looks like a brain or something.
It looks like.
And then it looks like if you hold it in the light, it like has like that rainbow effect.
Like it's got some sort of prism.
Yeah.
It's got some oil on it.
It diffracts the light into the spectrum.
Yeah.
Like if you just took one and taped it up over a light, it would give a nice rainbow effect.
Is it like a prism or is it like that... Like oil on concrete.
Yeah, gasoline and water.
Yeah.
I've never been to an Arby's.
Never?
No.
You're missing out on curly fries.
I had some curly fries the other day at cafeteria.
Wait, at cafeteria?
At cafeteria.
Is that a thing?
I don't know about this.
Oh, you don't go to cafeteria?
No.
Dave hangs out at a high school.
He just calls it cafeteria.
The other cool kids call it the calf.
Of course.
Dave will go out and play a game of cards with some of the cool kids.
You guys want to
play
go fish for pinks
so the shows
eventually
oh man
went off
without a hitch
yeah I mean
there were still
various hitches
throughout
yeah
a lot of hitches throughout. Yeah.
A lot of hitches on this trailer,
but it was,
or whatever the expression means.
I don't think
that is an expression.
There's a lot of hitches
on this.
What went off
without a hitch?
That just means
it went fine.
What is the history of it?
Oh.
There wasn't a hitch
on the trailer,
so it easily went off.
It's hitchless.
Yeah, it's like. It went off without a hitch. Hitchlessly. We really should have gotten a hitch on the trailer, so it easily went off. It's hitchless. Yeah, it's like...
It went off without a hitch.
Hitchlessly.
We really should have gotten a hitch for that trailer.
No, we shouldn't have because it went off so well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We didn't even need a hitch.
Yeah, no hitch.
Went off without a hitch.
Isn't that just a bad trailer?
Yeah, and speaking of which, the trailer for the movie Hitch.
Where's that bright green Lacoste shirt?
Oh, wow.
Good trailer memory.
Well, it was the big trailer.
A lot of people went to movies
just to see that trailer.
It won a lot of awards at the trailies.
Sales of Lacoste shirts.
I also saw the trailer for the new Independence Day sequel.
That's a pretty needless sequel.
I got a bone to pick with that trailer.
Go on.
Well, that movie looks like every other epic movie right now,
first of all.
And the whole point of Independence Day was it was fun.
Like this movie, you can tell by the trailer,
is not going to have a welcome to Earth moment.
Yeah. Is it? Because Will Smith's not in it that I know of. They couldn't not going to have a welcome to Earth moment. Yeah.
Is it?
Well, it's just Will Smith's not in it.
Well.
That I know of.
They couldn't afford him, I think, I heard.
Really?
Yeah.
They were like, we'll just get Jeff.
Yeah, they got Jeff and.
DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Yeah.
He says, yeah, welcome to Earth.
Classic handshake.
I love it.
But they got Judd Hirsch
he's back
yep
Judd
oh okay
yeah
and
I was hoping
it was Judd Nelson
Bill Pullman
I almost said
Philip Pullman
the author of the
oh yeah
Golden Compass
but why would
Bill Pullman be back
you can't be a president
for 25 years
no but I think
it's because he has specific experience with the aliens.
So they're going to bring him back.
He sat in that alien summit.
There was that big scene where they were like, what about trade embargoes?
He was like, well, they're staying there.
He said that.
He threw a paper airplane at them.
And they were like, that gives me an idea.
What if we...
Because isn't there a scene where he talks to the alien
and the alien's talking to his brain?
It's an amazing scene with Brett Spiner.
Oh, yeah.
Data from Star Trek.
And he's got his little tentacles wrapped around Brent Spiner.
And Brent Spiner's shoved up the thing.
And then he's making him talk.
And Bill Pullman's talking to Brent Spiner.
Yeah. What do you want? What do you want? And then he's making him talk. And Bill Pullman's talking to Brent Spiner. Yeah.
What do you want?
What do you want?
And then he was like,
can there be peace between us?
And then he goes,
and then gurgles out,
no peace,
only war,
only death or something.
And then he has that wicked question
to the street service guys.
He's like,
hey,
is this glass bulletproof?
Which it fully should have been.
Yeah.
And they were like,
why wasn't it bulletproof?
And they were like, nope. And they knew what time it been. Yeah. And they were like, why wasn't it bulletproof? And they were like,
nope.
And they knew what time it was.
Yeah.
And they just iced that sucker.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Is Jeff Goldblum in it?
Is that the Jeff?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's the Jeff.
And so like,
in the trailer,
it's like the aliens
have just come back.
Like, it's just,
it's the same thing over here.
With bigger ships. Yeah. Do you remember? I'm just over the gritty reboot i want a fun reboot i'm over the
20 year gap between the movie and the reboot yeah like or the movie in the sequel yeah oh man so
are lots of studios because wasn't spider-man spider-man was rebooted every year and a half
for the past like 10 years. But I mean like
Dumb and Dumber had 20 years
and Zoolanders had 15
and Ghostbusters has 25.
And if you count Star Wars
like that's
over 30 years?
When was the last Star Wars?
This is a sequel to the last one.
Oh right.
A sequel to the last one right oh right oh sure a sequel to episode 6
I
yeah
like Han Solo's like
well
Harrison Ford's like
really old now
I don't mind that
because they already
had 6 of them
right
so you're like
might as well
it's when it's like
Zoolander
and you're like
oh I
we were happy with this
this was good
yeah yeah
fine as is
it's still kind of timeless.
It's still watchable, I think.
Yeah.
I think.
I maybe said that.
I went into that a bit confidently.
But just the...
Well, I think it's...
I think so.
Zoolander holds up as a funny 40-year-old virgin or something.
It didn't hold up for two years.
Growing up in like 1989, were there sequels from the 60s?
No.
Although, you know, there's like this weird bit of trivia I read yesterday that Die Hard is technically a sequel to a movie that starred Frank Sinatra called The Detective.
So The Detective was based on a book and Die Hard was based on the sequel to that book.
Oh.
And so technically, because of his contract,
they had to offer the role to Frank Sinatra.
He was 72 at the time.
And he turned it down.
But, oh, man.
He should have said yes.
I know.
We all.
I have a machine gun now.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, he should have said yes
We all really missed out
On that
Yippee ki yay
Mia Farrow
He was also allowed to write it
Yeah
I do one take
Ring-a-ding-ding
Now I feel like I have a machine gun I do one take. Ring-a-ding-ding.
Now I feel like I have this dizzy broad at home.
Anyways.
That's an awesome sequel. Yeah, so that's technically a sequel that was like 30 years apart.
So that's a technical answer to Dave.
Yeah.
I guess so.
But not a straight up answer.
Like we don't need another.
I don't think,
like I think the Ghostbusters thing will be fine,
but it's like.
It'll be cool.
The original Ghostbusters is still fine.
But they got a cool cast for this one.
Yeah.
That's true.
I mean,
the last cast was good too,
but.
Well.
It's a concept reboot almost.
I like,
yeah,
I like it,
especially because of all the people i know
who believe in ghosts they're all women it's like is this true well i mean think about it i when i
watch those ghost hunter shows i feel like it's all dudes what wandering around the house do you
think they're just doing that to get close to it appeals i have a friend who saw a ghost oh i heard
about her i have one I have one male friend.
No, who doesn't.
He doesn't believe in ghosts, but he's pretty sure there's something there.
But he's like, I'm not ready to believe.
He's like a hesitant Christian, but about ghosts.
He's like, I'm not ready.
He's like a scully.
Yeah, he's like, I need to be spooked real good.
Speaking of rebooting and sequeling things.
Oh, yeah.
See, that's a thing that didn't need to.
Did that need to keep going?
No, did it?
Well, they need it to keep going.
Whose idea was it?
It was like, you know whose bank account is getting low?
Mine.
I think it was the smoking man.
The vaping man.
Oh, my God.
I hope they have vaping in this.
If it's not vaping man, then I'm not watching it.
If he doesn't vape.
Oh man.
There's no way you can smoke in government buildings these days.
I don't think you could when that show first came out.
That guy, like, to be a guy who was supposed to be clandestine, he certainly had a calling
card that everybody would be like everybody like oh you mean the
guy who always smells like cigarettes yeah which is the thing baffling me about james bond movies
why that he's clearly he's supposed to be a clandestine like an assassin yeah and he just
sort of strolls around he's like yeah and introduces himself. And tells, so I just went, okay, this is a good segue, because I went last night to go watch Spectre.
Let the Spectre.
I heard the theme song and I do not remember it.
No.
Sam's.
Me neither.
I heard it yesterday.
Or in French, as it is called, Spachtre.
Spachtre.
So I went to see it.
And there's a scene where, like, the bad guy, whatever, end of the movie, you go to the headquarters. Yeah. And they just went to see it and there's a scene where like the bad guy
whatever
end of the movie
you go to the
headquarters
and they just went to it
they just went
to the headquarters
like it wasn't
a hidden headquarters
no they got a ride
they literally
they took a train
got off a train station
waited
and then somebody
from the bad guy headquarters
picked them up
and drove them
to the headquarters
took his gun
they gave him a tour
they took evil Uber
and then tortured him
for a bit
yeah they took
an evil Uber
and it's like
what
yeah just chop his head off
well and the whole argument
was
that's what I would do
instead of giving him a ride
just chop his head off
meet him at the train
yeah
chop his head off
meet him at the train be like hi I'm your driver as soon as they get in shoot them yeah or yeah like oh just so you know
you have an exploding car yeah yeah yeah so don't be in it or be in it or like we're just not gonna
tell you i'm not here to tell you like we're happy to lose a henchman yeah instead they lost all the
henchmen we're gonna lose these henchmen anyways. Hey, Paul Feig, how about reboot it with some henchwomen?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hollywood.
Yeah, where's the henchwomen?
Would it be optic?
Like, would the optics of that be bad?
Do you know what I mean?
Henchwomen?
What, about a movie with like a bunch of henchwomen?
And then James Bond is just like, he's just killing us, mowing down women.
I guess that is maybe one step forward, two steps back.
Or just make all the characters with lots of lines, women.
And then henchmen.
Has any of the ultimate bad guys in any of the James Bond movies been a woman?
My favorite bad guy is the ultimate bad guy.
I think
they weren't trying in the script
for that one. But do you know what I mean?
Have there been? I don't know. There have been a couple
of betrayals. Femmes
Fatales. Yeah. Which is not, I mean,
that's a whole other
sexist conversation.
Why don't they reboot James Bond and make it a woman?
Why not? Why not?
Like a Jane Bond kind of thing?
This would be Jane Bond.
Or like just a bad guy being the woman.
Yeah.
Or both.
Like Dr. No.
Why can't Dr. No?
I can't operate on this.
Yeah.
I'm a male doctor.
It's my son or wife or whatever.
I forget how that joke goes.
It's my cat.
What does Dr. No have?
I don't know.
I can't watch those early pawns.
They're pretty silly.
Yeah.
Well, the new ones got pretty silly, too, at the end.
Yeah, like I've always...
There's another reboot.
Casino Royale.
But that was a good reboot.
That was, like, awesome.
Yeah, I mean, they just...
I'm sorry.
I'm a modem.
You gotta unplug them him plug him back in
yeah
um
yeah I don't know
I would watch a
completely
an all female
James Bond
reboot
I'd watch that
cause it's pretty like
you're right
he's supposed to be this
clandestine operative
yeah
but he goes around
introduces himself
by his real name
yeah
gets drunk
gets drunk blows shit up everywhere.
Yeah.
Well, and the whole theme of the movie is it's the modern world.
We don't need these one-man operatives anymore.
We just need drones to do strikes.
What about an all-drone reboot?
Zero Dark Thirty.
No, that wasn't a drone reboot.
Drone.
James Droneone James Drone
James Drone
It's just a guy
Like with a remote control
In Nevada
The movie is
Ten minutes long
And quite sad
Yeah
Oh man
Dave what's going on with you?
Oh 2016
Yeah
Right?
Oh
So many expectations
Year of promise
What could it be?
What is it gonna be?
Take it
Gonna be a new president
Uh huh In the states Oh yeah Uh there's gonna be Is there an Olympics? Yep Thomas. What could it be? What is it going to be? Take it. Going to be a new president. Uh-huh.
In the States.
Oh, yeah.
There's going to be, is there an Olympics?
Yeah.
It's going to be an Olympics in Russia.
No.
Yeah.
No.
We just did one in Russia.
China?
We just did one in China.
Oh, boy.
I don't know either.
Not London.
Oh.
Rio.
Rio.
Yeah.
So stay tuned.
Stay tuned to this podcast for all your Olympic coverage.
2016 is a big year for a lot of countries, not us.
Yeah.
The U.S.
I mean, we're in the Olympics.
Wow, summer?
Yeah, we're in there for fun.
Yeah, what are we in?
Trampoline?
We gold in trampoline.
We do gold in trampoline.
We have more trampolines
per capita that was the that was the greatest finding out that we won a gold and also that
trampolining was in the olympic games all in one yeah headline they won and i won a bum war
like a bum fight no it's when you when you do as many bum drops as possible.
I don't know what people from countries that call it butt.
Here goes Team Canada going for the double jump.
Yeah.
Ooh, you double bounced.
One of them will sacrifice himself to get extra height for the other one.
Oh, we almost went over the safety net.
One of them will sacrifice himself.
It's a real Hail Mary in the trampolining world.
Yeah.
Because you don't get to bounce anymore.
This is what makes trampolining so dynamic.
Is that there's two of them.
Did either of you have trampolines growing up?
Friends.
Yeah, my parents got a trampoline that mostly my brothers used. I was past interest of trampolining by the time they caved in and got one.
We had the old type, and we only had it in the summers.
But it was the, I'm certain we've talked about this before.
But instead of the mesh bottom, it was like a tarp bottom.
What?
And like the trampoline itself was like orange.
Wait, so it was a tarp
but taught
enough to still have bounce.
It was weird.
It was tarp-like. It was sort of just this thick
rubber mat. Was it like
old-timey? Is that why? No, I don't know.
Huh. I remember the
orange ones. And it could hold water. Like if you
poured water on it and you sat on it,
you could have like splash,
splash up and down on it.
Oh, cause it wouldn't go through the,
yeah.
My parents instilled a great deal of fear in me about trampolines,
unfortunately,
which kind of wrecked it for me a little bit.
But also just that there's,
I can see that.
Yeah.
Cause kids are like,
it was like a ultimatum to me.
Like that.
So they,
you know,
the spring part where there's a little bit of,
there's nothing but metal spring. And then there's the soft edge and then grass yeah they're
like if you get to be my baby i was like mom stop stop mom um if you You want to call me, Bill. Don't write us.
If you fall in that hole in that area near the springs, you'll break your arm or your leg.
Whatever falls in there, it will break.
I for sure knew kids in school that had broken their arms on trampolines.
I mean, that's a good point.
And I didn't.
So, I mean, they did a good job, I guess.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's a good point.
And I didn't.
So, I mean, they did a good job, I guess.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, I think instilling fear in your kid about trampolines is something where I'm like, that's the right thing to do.
Yeah.
Like, you know, like about drugs, like then it's just going to make kids more curious.
But with trampolines, it's like, no, yeah, make sure you don't break your arm because then I'm not washing you in the tub.
You know, like, well, you can't take a shower for two months.
My parents were the same way about drugs.
I'm not going to wash you. You overdose on drugs. I'm not washing you.
I'm not going to wash you.
I'm not washing you in the tub.
With a garbage bag over your leg.
Over your face.
Because of the drugs.
Yeah.
But it is like, it sort of is like drugs where
like the cool parents would be like hey i don't mind as long as you do it i do it here where i
can keep an eye on you can tramp yeah you can i'm tramping balls yeah my friend had uh trampoline
we went on it on the daily i mean once. I mean, once you get that bouncing high.
Once you figure out how to do one or two things too.
Yeah.
Or some flip back flip.
The only environment in which you feel comfortable doing a sort of a backwards,
like a somersault or any type of flip type.
I would never attempt anything like that now because I'm worried about hurting my teeth.
Worried about landing on my face, smashing all my teeth out and having to pay a doctor to put them back in.
And that awkward week before the appointment
with just no teeth. Yeah, exactly. Where everybody wants
to take my picture. You look so gross.
Hey, I bought all this corn.
Oh, I love corn. Well, I did.
Let's make sure there's lots of record of this.
So, that's
about it. 2016's here. I of this. So that's about it.
2016's here.
I got nothing going on.
Okay.
All right.
You?
I, yesterday, I went to the thrift store.
Whoa.
And then on my way back, I got off the bus and there was a wallet sitting on the ground and
so I was like
and I looked around
to see if anybody was like
if there was like a
fishing line on it
yeah exactly
I didn't want to be on
one of those prank shows
and I didn't want to be
on one of those
what would you do
social experiments
yeah yeah
thanks John Quinonez
was John Stossel
maybe the host of that
when it first started
give me a break
yes so you find this wallet find this wallet uh an orange velcro deal uh-huh and uh no vd
yeah you know what is it i bring to the party abbreviations yeah i guess so um and uh so i picked it up and uh there was this
uh older uh lady that was eyeing me like i was gonna keep the wallet and i was like i'm just
i you didn't pick it up so i'm you don't be you're not the fucking community you know
did this interaction take place or is this just going on in your this is going on in my head but We're not the fucking community, you know, whatever. The watchdog, yeah. Yeah.
Did this interaction take place?
Or is this just going on in your head?
This is going on in my head.
But no, she's staring at me and she's walking away.
But every couple of steps, she turns around to look at me again to see what's the status of me with this thing.
See how rich you are.
And then even at one point, I looked over and she was like around the corner, but she like peeked her head around the building.
Oh, man. Yeah, I was like, well, be involved or don't. This was the corner, but she like peeked her head around the building. Oh, man.
Yeah, I was like, well, be involved or don't.
This was the most exciting thing that's happened in her day.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
Maybe a week.
She doesn't have TV, so this is her what would you do.
That's true.
And then, so I opened it and it had an ID with the address.
It was closed.
Yeah, so I threw it in the gutter
but i i thought oh i could drop this in the mailbox but it was like i thought it was really
close by it was like oh it's on uh you know 47th avenue so like and i was on 49th. So I was like, okay, I can, you know, I can walk over.
Just drop it in the mailbox.
I way misjudged how close it was.
40-minute walk.
So angry.
I was carrying all my stuff from the thrift store.
Swearing the whole time.
I was so mad.
You didn't think about just, like, bailing?
I did think about bailing but uh then i was like uh
like i was past the halfway point and then i was like uh i've already come this far like
already wasted this time so then i got to the place finally and uh i knocked on the door
and uh it wasn't the person but I think it was a group home.
Oh.
And so I think the director of the group home answered.
And I was like, hey, I found this at the bus stop.
And she was like, oh, thanks.
And then just closed the door.
I was like, oh, come on.
Come on, man.
She should have at least been like, oh, you must have walked a long ways.
What?
Bus stop.
Come in,
have some cocoa.
Tell us the tale.
Yeah.
Here at this group home.
Well,
yeah.
Not to be all serious about it,
but like,
you want to know a bit of the story or something or like,
yeah.
Who's the man behind this wallet?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah,
it just,
it was very like,
but then I was like, maybe that maybe this person drops their wallet four times a week. uh it was very like but then i was like maybe that maybe
this person drops their wallet four times a week and it's just like yeah thanks was there anything
juicy in the wallet like better not touch that crisp hundred dollars like there was anything
juicy like capri sun just in the folds of the wallet just rolled up there was some cash cash money there was uh what do you call it when you go to
the movie theater scene card oh okay uh and then like a lot of those type of cards like i think
like oh and free membership to whatever yeah like also a member of like the colonel's popcorn club
and uh the chapter is whatever card yeah there was a library card in there, which I have not carried a library card for some years.
I hope.
Man, this person sounds like he does a lot of activities.
Yeah.
I think like he's trying to get another group home.
Yeah.
Something to do.
Let's go to the library.
And, you know, what else was in there?
There were no credit cards or debit cards.
It was all fun.
It was all like fun cards.
Oh, cool.
It was all like stuff.
It was like one subway from a free subway.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This entitles you to fun on one water slide.
Amazing.
Um, what wallet?
Uh, so you, can you put a wallet in a mailbox?
Oh, I've heard that.
Is that a, yeah.
Is that a real thing?
Yeah.
If there's a bit of ID that has the address on it.
I know that banks have like a deposit place.
But I think that's for-
They just keep the money.
Yeah.
They just empty it.
They just consider it a deposit.
That's how they get their record profits.
Yeah.
But that's what I was hoping, that there was a bank card because then I
would go to the bank and
say here's what
you're empty this
account.
Try one two three four.
Okay.
One two three five.
Okay.
One one one one.
One one one two.
Oh it works.
That's what I went.
The guy at the bank just keeps doing it until it works.
Oh, there we go.
You're right.
It's crazy that he forgot his password.
He'll get it eventually.
Yeah.
I mean, how many numbers are there?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I was wrong.
Yeah, I remember it now.
That's my code.
Because why was 6 afraid of 7?
Anyway, how much money did I have?
I owe what?
Overdropped?
What?
But, yeah, I think the mailbox thing, I think in the future that's what I'll do.
Yeah.
Toss it.
Toss it in the old mailbox.
In the future, how about a female do yeah toss it toss her in the old mailbox in the future
how about a female box
right
reboot
it's a different word
and then the male
person
will open it
see the wallet
and be like
that's a 40 minute walk
I don't want to take it back
they just put it
in another mailbox
yeah
it just keeps popping
no harm
no foul
yeah exactly takes out takes out a $10 bill for his troubles another mailbox. Yeah, I just keep tapping. No harm, no foul. Yeah, exactly.
Takes out a $10 bill
for its troubles.
Because most times
when you put the mail
in the mailbox,
it gets delivered
by the person
picking it up.
Oh, this is right
around the corner.
That's how it works
in my world.
Oh, this is in China.
I'm not taking that.
Four letters today.
Okay.
I'm not taking that shit.
Well, I can't walk all the way to saskatchewan there's there's one mailman that does it like i'm delivering that yeah it's china
postcard is getting there if it's the last thing i do also sending postcards is... One of my roommates got a postcard.
I just read it.
Better not be private.
It wasn't super private, but it wasn't not...
Yeah, if you're writing a postcard.
It could have been sealed.
That's what you're saying.
It should have been enveloped.
Yeah, or text message.
Be like, oh, I was sending you this text message.
It's very expensive from where I am.
My girlfriend really likes written things. Like what? Because I believe that... Oh, I was sending you this text message. It's very expensive from where I am. So it shows you how much I like it.
My girlfriend really likes written things.
Like what?
Because I believe that.
Like, if I'm thinking...
Like, these are your dishes.
Something like that.
Yeah.
It ain't gonna suck itself.
Love, Peter.
There's still love there.
Love, Peter.
Little supposed to notes everywhere. He just finds them. No, I mean... there's still love there love Peter little post-it notes
everywhere
he just finds them
no
I mean
no I obviously
don't mean that
well like we're in
Kelowna
she's like okay
well send me a post
like send me something
send me a letter
okay
and I was like well
when I'm thinking of you
which is often
can I just text you
doesn't that mean the same
it doesn't
I've learned
hmm
and what is that
like if you get something written down does it just touch you uh no that mean the same it doesn't i've learned hmm and what is that like if you get
something written down is it just touch you uh no weird like i have got people have sent me
letters before and they're fine but uh but you know it's great email and emails this is good
they put so much effort into this letter they pack it into an envelope send it to you you go
this is this is fine i feel like this is just fine oh when what day is recycling this is now a chore yeah you've
mailed me a chore sending a letter is it's not like vinyl it's not like it's not like better
quality well i don't know maybe it's if they have like fancy paper and they spray their perfume on it.
Or the personality
of your writing.
But I just,
mine's just big block letters.
Well, it's because you're insane
and you're always yelling.
Just with big felt pen.
Big smelly wacker.
I love you, damn it.
But that's the thing. It's a piece of drywall. It doesn, damn it. But that's the thing.
It's not a piece of drywall.
It doesn't mail it.
I actually just put a love note.
Those are your dishes.
I put a love note in my wallet.
And then when I put my wallet in the mailbox.
It gets back to you.
I send you a note that says, please send me money.
I don't have my wallet.
I lost my wallet.
But I've never sent somebody a letter and then like, yeah, like that was the thing.
You put perfume on it, put like a scent on it.
That's what it is.
Maybe women more than men.
Yeah.
I was thinking like you wrote a letter in a subway.
Would they open the letter and be like, oh yeah.
Oh boy.
They'd be like,
oh,
this one.
This is a real chore
for the person writing it too.
Oh,
and he wrote it on that subway paper
that they wrap up the sub in.
Oh,
I've just learned
the thing I'm going to do now.
That's,
that would be a lot of fun.
All letters I write
are going to be
just on funny mediums.
Yeah,
there you go.
Wendy's napkin.
Yeah. Oh, do you go to Wendy's?
Do you like Wendy's?
Wendy's follows me on Twitter.
That's like a Yo Mama's So Fat joke.
Yeah.
Wendy's follows her on Twitter.
I love Wendy's so much.
Oh, guys, do you want to move on to some overheards?
I'm dying to.
Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie.
Ross.
Hi, Carrie.
What do you think is creepier?
Okay.
You jump into a swimming pool.
All of a sudden, the water goes away, and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors.
Ew.
Or our show.
That's pretty tough, because we visited a live exorcism.
We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis, where we had to worship a naked lady.
Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult.
They were scary.
Super creepy.
We joined the Aethery Society.
We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did.
Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement.
We have basically done every creepy, weird fringe thing,
except for thousands more which we will
get to if you listen to our show i'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors bones well and
i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum
fun and the show's called i know ross and carrie
hi everybody i'm jerry seinfeld i'm jeff probes and I'm Jeff Probst. And I'm Barry Seinfeld.
For years, we've been masquerading as the McElroy Brothers and hosting an advice show for the modern era called My Brother, My Brother and Me.
You can catch it every Monday on MaximumFun.org and help us keep up the ruse.
I really appreciate the McElroy Brothers for giving me the chance.
My name's Barry Seinfeld, and my personal brand is not expanding in the ways that I thought that it might when the show got real big join us won't you i know you might be confused no i'm not
related to jerry seinfeld i work down at the kroger's i cut meat but he's the only one of us
who does that edit the podcast so what the hell are you gonna do cut meat and i cut voices come
listen won't you my brother my brother me starring me, Barry Seinfeld.
Overheard.
Overheard.
The first one of 2016.
You're welcome.
Now, Overheard is where we hear the things out there in the world, and then we report them back here on the old podcast.
We always like to start with the guest.
Oh, lucky me.
So, Peter, if you would.
Okay, this is a bit of a callback to earlier what we were talking about with the school tours.
Okay.
So we're doing the school tour.
It's one of the last ones.
And we've, like I said, we had a better run of it towards the end.
Because we figured out how to get the crowd, like the crowd, the kids on our side.
But, like I also said, it's physical comedy, so we're being a bit silly.
Yeah.
There's a scene where Chris and I are arguing over who's going to sleep in this bed.
Because we ended up going to a motel room, it only has one bed.
Okay, well, we're going to have to share the bed.
Right.
This sounds, like describing it sounds like really hack comedy right now.
No, it sounds like Trains, Planes, and Auto Movies.
Yeah.
Those aren't solos
oh you know what
that's awesome
because that is
kind of what we're
going for
it's a bit more
of like a
two bros
just trying to
figure it out
so we end up
spooning in the bed
and that's kind of
the
it's
well it leads up
to some jokes
that we like
spooning leads
to 4k
and the adults
don't particularly
find that moment crazy but man could the kids
not handle lose their mind two guys getting that close together which says something because like
i thought it was 2015 but it's in colonna so you're in at best 1992 okay so we're in 1992
colonna yeah uh and we're lying in this Kelowna. Yeah. And we're lying
in this bed prop
that's like these
blocks together.
They're still watching
in living color.
They're still watching
in living color.
Yeah, Eddie Izzard,
they're watching
Eddie Izzard,
Eddie Murphy,
Raw, you know,
like that kind of comedy.
So they're, yeah,
they're primed.
They can't handle it.
No, they're losing
their minds.
They're losing their minds.
Yeah.
And generally it goes okay because they settle down and it is, by that point, they're kind of minds. They're freaking out. They're losing their minds. Yeah. And generally it goes okay
because they settle down
and it is,
by that point,
they're kind of on board anyway.
So they're like,
this is crazy.
Yeah.
They're lying in the bed together.
Last show,
probably,
I think it was the last,
it was at least the last day,
one of the last shows
on the last day.
I get into the bed.
Chris goes
and he spoons behind me
and then clears a bell
from the audience
from the bleachers.
I hear this kid go,
that's gay!
And
again, like, that sucks because it's 2015.
You kind of thought, like, that was our school
terrible thing.
You guys got to come up with another thing to say that's
terrible pejorative. But that,
the way that you said it, it is like the light was going on.
Exactly.
Gay.
I've heard it.
Yeah.
Yes.
And that's,
that's what it was.
And we had talked about it for a long time afterwards about like,
what was going on in this kid's head?
Yeah.
Maybe he had just come out of health classes and they were talking about
what game and he's like,
that's what it is.
Yeah.
Or if he's just had it in his head he's like
i'm really interested in a thing but i don't i don't know what it's called
what did the rest of the kids do they hear him it was uh that thing that happens when
they were still because they were like we had won most of them right so they didn't want to
just lose it at a heckle but there was a a pocket around him. It was like an explosion, and then it just spread out of like a shockwave of laughters from the center point.
Oh, man.
So you hear like, that's gay.
And then just like a couple of laughs, and then fewer laughs and fewer laughs.
And I just, we moved on.
We moved past it.
Because I was like, do we stop the show sort of en bouffant here?
Like, do we attack the crowd on this point?
That could get pretty heavy.
Yeah. And we just kept going because we had. Sometimes Graham and I will bouffant., like do we attack the crowd on this point? That could get pretty heavy. Yeah.
And we just kept going because we had.
Sometimes Graham and I will bouffant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We bouffant sometimes.
Yeah, absolutely.
It just depends on how the crowd is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you're just tuning into the podcast, I'm being made fun of.
You're being bouffant.
Yeah, we're bouffanting you.
Yeah.
The bouffant has become the bouffant.
I am probably using it a little incorrectly, aren't I?
I don't know.
It's a style.
It's a tack the audience.
I should have just said that.
Yeah.
Bouffant.
Dave, do you have an overheard?
Do you guys remember when I didn't have a get to know us?
Yeah.
We talked about trampolines.
Here's the best I can do okay sock it to us well it'll it'll you know what you know if it doesn't work we'll
it'll be fine what if you really build up the before like make it a big thing okay i'll try
yeah so i was driving here we go downtown yeah well I was on my way downtown From
Downtown
Where all the lights are
Was that
Macklemore
It was Macklemore
Oh I did
And his friend
I did a different song
You sang downtown
The traditional
Yeah
Um
And
I saw a Cadillac Escalade
With the license plate
That's a skater
Uh huh of course
A skater
Yeah that's all
I thought I could Instead of building it up I'll just I kind of like Escalade with the license plate. Is that skater? Uh-huh, of course. Skater? Yeah, that's all.
I thought I'd get it.
Instead of building it up, I'll just quickly tell everything.
I was still settling in.
I know.
For the build-up.
There was nothing.
There's no payoff.
I was going through my phone like, do I have anything?
No.
Any pictures I took?
Oh, boy, this wasn't even good enough to post.
And Escalade's like a big, like their big Hummer-esque vehicle.
Because as soon as you say Cadillac, I picture like a big old man car.
Right.
And if that's its skater on the back, then we'd really have something. We'd be cooking with that.
A Cadillac Escalade is what, in this city, what a drug dealer drives.
Sure. Are these windows bulletproof? Yes is what, in this city, what a drug dealer drives. Sure.
Are these windows bulletproof?
Yes.
Oh, well, then those windows are getting loaded.
Let's just let him choke Brent Spiner to death.
But there is, yeah, Cadillacs used to be what old people would drive.
Yeah.
Now, I believe I heard that they've moved a little younger,
and old people are like old rich people, instead of buying a Cadillac, we'll buy a Lexus.
Oh.
Oh.
What about old middle-class?
Honda Accord?
Is that still the car?
Yeah.
That's one of the more popular cars on the planet.
Oh yeah.
It's not really an old person car then if it's that popular still.
To me, the classic old person car when I was growing up, I think, was a Cutlass Supreme.
Oh, man.
They don't make those.
They don't even make old mobiles anymore.
No, that's right.
Yeah.
But I had a couple of friends who inherited their grandfathers.
So that was like the unofficial car of my high school.
That's not the Cutlass Supreme.
That's not the early cop car, is it?
The Cutlass Supreme?
No.
No, it was like.
What is the early cop cars?
I don't know. It was the type of car that also a drug dealer could use or somebody who murders people and
puts them in the trunk.
Lots of trunk space, is what you say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very popular with your good fellas.
Yeah, yeah.
A lot of...
But maybe is it something you could have lowered and bouncing?
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
They were very rectangular. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They were like if you were drawing a car bouncing? Oh, sure. Yeah, they were very rectangular.
Mm-hmm.
They were like
if you were drawing a car
and you had four seconds
and you were playing
Pensionary.
That's how they designed it.
It was the due date
and the designer
was in the meeting already.
Yeah.
He was like,
um, this?
I'll do it live.
What's it called?
A sword.
A pirate sword.
Cutlass Nachos Supreme.
He was just looking around the room, and there was a guy.
There was a pirate there.
And then there was a guy eating a huge plate of nachos.
Yeah, there was a pirate, and he was eating nachos.
I saw a commercial Abby and I watched, Jeopardy.
And it's on the Vancouver Island station.
Sure. Check. and it's on the Vancouver Island station check
and every one of the commercials on that channel
is a local commercial
and they're all made by the station
yeah and because they're an independent
television station
so they're the greatest things
yeah it'll be just like promos for Bones
and like this
you know some
it's a lot of car dealerships
a lot of car dealerships.
Yeah.
A lot of this place where you can have your hearing checked.
There's like a concussion recovery company.
They just, you know, open up the phone book and say, hey, want an ad?
Is the disparity in quality quite fun?
Like the promo for Bones is highly produced.
Yeah.
Well, except for it has an annoying voiceover.
Oh, okay.
Because they can't combine.
They can't have Bones brought to you by the hearing checking place.
No.
Although that would be smart branding.
Yes.
But they have an ad for a Cadillac dealership. And it's a woman talking about how like in in you know in 18 years i've
owned uh 11 cadillacs but that's not a good ad you're not selling at all they don't even last
two years i just keep buying cadillacs don't ask why i've had so many cadillacs just come down and
get one uh bones could be brought to you by an osteoporosis yeah of course you know
yeah thing thing whatever they do or just milk which is also another weird ad just like have
you seen those like the milk board or whatever where it's just like just drink milk we don't
care what brand yeah yeah yeah that's a weird there's a lot there's eggs eggs do it oh yeah
that's right beef we talked about this A few weeks ago Yeah Potatoes Cotton Cotton
Lithium
Lithium batteries
Yeah from the lithium board
Yeah batteries
Use them
Try them
In your electronics
Yeah
Electronics not working
Have you
Checked the batteries
Maybe the batteries
Weren't included
From the battery board
After they are not
Wasn't batteries
Not included
Was it
Was the first movie Written by Somebody Somebody from the Energizer. After they are not. Wasn't Batteries Not Included, was it the first movie written by somebody?
Somebody from the Energizer company or something like that?
It's got some sort of connection to it.
Which was Batteries Not Included?
It's a bunch of little robots.
But it's not Number 5 is Alive?
No.
That's Short Circuit.
Short Circuit, yeah.
But I think it was like, I don't know.
I don't know what the fact is,
but there's some sort of neat fact behind it.
Okay, cool.
My Overheard comes courtesy of my bus ride yesterday.
I was sitting in front of and behind and next to, it was all teenagers who had just gotten off of school.
They're all amped up.
Maybe it was their last day before Christmas break.
I don't know.
I don't know how it works in the school system.
I know. It's weird how the moment you graduate, it's like break i don't know i don't know how it works in the school system but uh i know it's weird how the moment you graduate it's like you don't know the schedule
anymore but also just like it's so strange to be out at the same time the kids are out oh yeah so
weird and i was on i was on the bus and like so many kids had like uh treats you know like christmas
so like today was either the bake sale or like everybody brings the thing.
Oh, I'm so jealous.
Yes.
Everybody was like crazy.
You know, they're all hyped up on sugar.
Short breads.
Yeah.
Short breads, long breads.
Gingerbread.
Gingerbread.
Flat and round breads.
Just all different breads.
Yeah.
And these two girls were talking about something that they were working on,
maybe a dance number.
And one of them said,
you know how like you're always in the mood to listen to the Lion King?
Well, today wasn't one of those days.
And also,
kids are still listening
to The Lion King?
That's awesome.
I've always wondered that
if they stopped listening to it.
They listen to the Broadway one.
And that, my friend,
is the circle of life.
Yeah, but it feels,
I don't know,
it feels good.
A wimbo, a wimbo,
and this isn't
from The Lion King.
It's not in the movie.
The movie you're watching,
the lion is a king.
Later on, though, for now,
he's just a kid who wants to be king.
Hup, hup, a-wee!
That's also not even the plot.
No, he wants to be king at the beginning.
I thought when you said kid, I was picturing a human kid.
No, no, a lion kid.
Lion kid.
Like a goat.
You know, goats.
So wait, when she says this, though, it kind of sounded to me like she,
it was more to the story like, and today was not one of those days,
but there I was being forced to listen to the Lion King.
She made it sound like it happened to her.
I think they were, I feel I got the vibe they were drama, drama geeks.
Oh, yeah.
And they.
He would know how to pick out some drama geeks while he was bouffoning.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
It gets me again.
Were you a drama geek when you were a youngster?
It was weird.
I was always a little bit of a class clown in that I was not paying attention very well.
Yeah.
But not that people found me awesome or funny.
That's what they used to call people who had attention problems.
Oh.
No, they were just like, he's a clown.
He's a class clown.
Don't worry about him.
He's just a clown.
He's just a bit of a clown.
Absolutely.
I would have been on so many drugs to regulate my crazy personality.
But when I was in drama class, I did do drama, but I was always a tech.
I was always in the sound booth.
Oh, yeah.
And in grade 12.
Black jeans.
Black shirt.
Yeah, exactly.
Every girl's crazy about an AV tech.
That song hadn't come out yet.
I didn't have my identity.
AV top.
I was the only one that could do a British accent in my school,
because my mother is from England.
Oh, and what was the play that needed a...
You don't look like the son of an English woman.
She's very pale white pale skin and the red yeah what was the play uh we were doing these things called uh lunchbox theater just sort of like small snippets of theater at lunchtime kids would
pay a quarter and go see and it was actually people were going because there was a couple
of the popular kids in the drama class.
And so they,
one of them had picked
to direct a script
from Alan Partridge.
Oh, yeah.
Fun.
Yeah, it was really fun.
It was like an 11 minute
just sort of comedy of errors bit
from who's writing,
and I got to say,
cock piss Partridge
on stage.
Cock, like, whoa.
That's intense.
That's how you get everybody to shut up at an assembly. Exactly. Cock. Cock. Like, whoa. That's intense. That's how you get
everybody to shut up
at an assembly.
Cock.
Cock.
So I, you know,
Alan Partridge
is trying to figure out
who is like
in this small town
that he runs
his radio station
who has written this,
scrawled it onto
the side of his car
and then later on
you find out
it was the
whatever character.
Right.
And that was the first time
I did anything funny
and really one of the first times I'd been up in front of people on stage.
And that started it all.
Because I made one of the popular kids really laugh.
Oh.
That was it for me.
I was in.
Yeah.
Wow.
Popular kids carry so much weight.
It's true.
They do.
Is he laughing?
Is the king laughing?
The king laughed.
We must laugh now, too.
What is, like, does it work that way in society?
Like, do people only, like, if Kim Kardashian thinks something's funny?
Did Kim like it?
I think so.
If you were at a party and Kim Kardashian was there, you'd want to know, like, what is she enjoying?
If she, like, tweeted, this is hilarious.
Would everyone be like, you're right, Kim this is funny yeah but yeah it gets i think it gets uh diluted with all the people that would then troll her kanye's new album is hilarious it's funny not
on purpose that is the key to a good kim kard like she's kind of falling asleep we call it vocal fry
vocal fry?
when you do that
when you're so low in your register
well it's like that guy
that's a comedian that's Justin Bieber's favorite comedian
who's that?
Chris D'Elia
oh boy
but like that he said
this is my favorite. And then his.
Chris D'Elia's career was made.
Yeah.
So, you know.
And Justin Bieber's not a comedy expert.
I mean, he's hilarious, and we all think he's really funny and cool.
Okay, good.
I'm glad Chris D'Elia's doing well, so I don't have to root for him anymore.
You're really pulling.
Yeah, move on to somebody else.
Really pulling for D'Elia.
Now, we also have overheards sent into us
by listeners.
If you want to send
one into us,
you can send it into
spy at maximumfund.org.
This first one comes
from Marcus
from Victoria, B.C.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Marcus.
That's how we say it.
Hi.
Marcus.
He is totally
have you guys seen that movie the grudge
uh
no i haven't seen it
oh it's good okay
uh while walking down the street a lady
in front of me with two kids
walked past a panhandler
and he looks at one of the kids and says
hey i know what you did
you know what you did happy You know what you did.
Happy Father's Day.
Ta-da!
What?
It's a panhandler set.
Yeah.
That wasn't the kid's voice?
No.
I was doing the panhandler.
I was the only one in my school who could do a panhandler voice.
Happy Father's Day to a kid.
Yeah.
I know what you did.
And I love just like i that i think is my favorite adult kid
thing like when a kid's kind of speak like they're speaking and stuff and you go up to them and you
ask them like what are you in college now you know stuff like that yeah kills me the kid's like no
what are you married now you You're probably married. No.
They just have to correct you?
Yeah.
I know what you did.
Uncle Graham's being crazy right now.
It is fun.
It is fun.
To be crazy around kids.
He keeps asking me about my 401k.
I'm eight.
When are you retiring?
I can never retire because of what my grandparents' generation did.
And then you're like, all right, kid, okay.
Okay.
I was just trying to have some fun.
If there's still a planet to retire on.
All right, all right.
You don't have to get all political at this family barbecue.
This next one comes from Molly B. in Queens.
Molly Bringwald.
Bring your own.
B-A-O Bringwald.
We're dumb On the subway
In New York City
A group of kids
Were all sharing
A big bag
Of colorful gumballs
Delicious
New York style
New York style
Bag of gumballs
Get them here
Only in New York
Oh
Thin crust gumballs
You want these in a bag? Nah just crust gumballs. You want these
in a bag?
Nah,
just put them on a plate.
You want them to go?
Yeah,
my boys
are waiting for me
on the train.
Give me a bag
of gumballs.
Your bag of gumballs?
Yeah,
get out of here,
your bag of gumballs.
It's a paper bag.
Go back to Jersey.
It still has that
grease stain
on the bottom.
Oh,
it's in a paper bag. Is that Rainbow Arby's still has that grease stain on the bottom. Oh, it's in a paper bag.
Is that Rainbow Arby's stain?
Yeah, Rainbow Arby's stain.
They were all grabbing at it and the mom said,
Hey, make sure you save one for Erica.
And when she looked away, the little girl
sitting next to me started tasting one of the
gumballs, spit it out, and said
to herself, Ugh, that one's disgusting.
I'll definitely save that one for her.
Put it in my pocket. I'll let it that one for her. Put it in my pocket.
Let it get covered in lint.
That girl is savage.
Yeah.
Look what I saved for you.
It's a major shade.
Throw it.
It's a tough town.
Tough town, New York City.
Bag of gumballs.
I'm told it never sleeps.
But it always chews.
Yeah.
Can't sleep with all this sugar intake.
Can't sleep.
You'll end up with gum in your hair.
And this last one comes from Hunter G.
This is in Halifax.
This is on Canada Day in Halifax.
So Graham is, I guess.
In July.
Five months behind?
Six months?
Six months behind.
Yeah.
A man runs past
a bus station
crossing the road.
Moments later,
a woman chases
after him,
shouting,
you said you'd
never run away
from me again.
Again.
And he lied.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
You know,
I want to know
about his run.
Just a purposeful.
No, probably
like a real Tom Cruise run. Just a purposeful. No, probably like a real.
A Tom Cruise run.
Just like, just huffing it.
Do you think, yeah, does Tom Cruise run in all his movies?
I know Will Smith always ran in every film.
I mean, it's the thing they make fun of him for is that like the straight up and down hands.
Oh, yeah.
When he's running in Interview with a Vampire.
Oh, yeah.
When he's running in Interview with a Vampire.
In addition to overhears
that are written in,
we also accept your phone calls.
So if any of you
bags of gumballs
want to call us,
our phone number is
206-339-8228.
Will you want to get
in a fight about it?
Got another bag.
All right, here's a phone call.
Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests.
I am calling from, this is Dustin, calling from Carmel, California.
And I was just driving down the road and saw a taxi.
And it's Associated Taxi.
And on the back, prominently displayed, it gives their number.
And it's 833-ASK-TAXI.
833-ASK-TAXI.
Yeah, for Associated Taxi.
Back that shit up.
Ask Taxi.
That's another one of those examples of, like, didn't anybody bring it up at some point.
I think a taxi is a pretty low overhead operation.
Well,
it may not low overhead,
but certainly
low executive.
Oh, yeah.
There's not too many.
Either that
or they knew exactly
what they were doing.
Yeah, yeah.
They're like,
ass taxi.
Yeah,
we're going to be
the number one
taxi place in town.
What do you want?
Order an ass taxi
or do you want
to order an ass Uber?
See?
Taxi sounds better.
Meeting adjourned.
Taxis will win. But what about
ass lift?
So good.
Here's your next phone call.
Hello, Dave Graham and
910th probable guest.
This is Spencer from Oakland.
I am calling with an overseen.
I was just driving behind a Subaru station wagon.
Woo!
It had two bumper stickers.
The one on the left of the license plate said,
Born to dance.
And the one on the right of the license plate said,
Gotta dance.
Well, you were born to, so you gotta.
You gotta and you gotta.
Yeah, you gotta and you gotta.
Wow. Just real clear, though. Look, I'm into one, so you ought to. You got it and you got it. Yeah, you got it. Wow.
Just real clear, though.
Look, I'm into one thing.
Ass taxis.
But if I'm into two things, it's dancing.
Yeah.
I want a real political sticker for a bumper sticker, but I do love to dance.
I saw one the other day, just a car covered in in bumper stickers and they had
like you know that one that says coexist yeah with like all the religious symbols yeah this was one
that said uh tolerance with all the religious symbols in a different way great oh do you know
but like you could just spell whatever that's's what I was just thinking. Like, you could market a whole line of things that just says like, tiger.
Yeah.
I love to dance.
Pizza.
All the religions.
Or just like, sorry, we're never going to get along.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, exclusion.
Exclusion with all the religious symbols.
Pretty good.
Here's your final overheard of
2016
hi Dave and Graham and
possible guest hopefully Charlie
no that doesn't feel good
I'm calling in with an overheard
this morning my boys are playing
a game where they try to
make each other crack so
one of them has to stay really serious,
and the other one shows them funny things or does funny things.
And I heard my younger son say to my older son,
okay, this time it's okay to smile and it's okay to laugh, but no grinning.
I'm not sure they know what grinning means.
Did you ever used to watch that show Make Me Laugh?
Where they just bring
on the serious person
and then three
comedians?
With Mark Cohen?
Yes.
And Marty Putz
would come out with
his props and his
leather vinyl pants
and hockey jersey?
No, I never saw it.
I never once saw it.
Yeah, that sounds
like they were doing the home version.
Yeah.
It's a fun game.
It is a fun game.
It's like a staring contest.
Yeah, kind of.
I don't know why Make Me Laugh is not just a show that's perpetually on, though.
Oh, because it was horrible.
Oh, was it?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't really remember.
I just remember watching the comedians and being like, they'd have to come out and be like, you know when you're on the subway?
Yeah, to a human who is forcibly like,
there's money on the line.
Yeah, and they're like, this guy's a prison guard.
And they're coming out, but they have to launch it to,
so my mom's weird.
She just leaves weird answering messages.
How did you do your bits so fast?
Would you be on it?
Of course.
Oh, in a second.
Yeah.
I feel like the spirit of that show is still alive in Japan,
where they do things like Silent Library, like that show.
I love Silent Library.
You know what I mean?
Where it's like, you can't do a thing,
but we're going to try to make you do that thing.
The show.
Yeah, that's true.
That's where Marty Putz is right now in Japan.
He's the most famous man in Japan. He's throwing darts at people's butts. That's where Marty Putz is right now in Japan. He's the most famous man in Japan.
He's throwing darts at people's butts in the library.
Marty Putz.
He's dressed as a raptor running down a hallway.
I was saying last night because I was talking to a past guest, Ivan Deckard.
He did a corporate gig that was horrible.
He could not buy a laugh the whole time?
Which happens at corporate gigs.
Almost like 95% of the time.
Oh, boy.
And I was like,
I should just develop a whole ventriloquist act in secret.
And then when I show up to a corporate gig,
I just look around and I'm like,
yep, this is a ventriloquist crowd.
And just do that at corporates.
Because if you know they're going to be shitty anyway. Yeah, you're like, just go up there and do some ventriloquist crowd. Just do that at corporates. Because if you know they're going to be shitty anyway,
you're like, yeah, just go up there and do some
ventriloquism. But the guy who hired
you is going to be like, uh, this is
not what I'm paying for. Yeah, and he'll be like,
no, you're getting two for the price of one.
And he'll be like, girl, shut up.
Or do
your material, but just through the ventriloquism.
So, uh, yeah.
The boss is weird.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
And then I just sit there.
Well,
he does.
I am always so impressed that they can't,
that they don't move their lips and they just have that natural smile.
No grinning.
And also,
uh,
if you just listen to a ventriloquist,
like if you don't watch it, you can't understand most of what they're saying.
Because they're trying to not move their lips with the B's and P's.
And you're, so you're, by watching it is how you fill in the gap.
Yeah, you kind of like.
But if you're just listening.
You're like, what the fuck is he saying?
Oh boy.
Oh, on a stick.
And there's a rule that they always have to be like the puppets.
Puppets?
The dummies.
Always have to be just terrible people. I think you're. Which the puppets. Puppets? The dummies. Always have to be just terrible people.
I think you're...
Which one's offensive?
Puppies?
Puppies?
Puppies are duds.
Which one's the offensive term?
Boy, this is a good crowd.
I'm closing my eyes.
A good...
You're not saying things.
In fact, you weren't saying words, and you were only moving your lips.
You were not moving your lips at all.
I would like to.
Yeah.
I'm going to close my eyes and see if you can make sense.
Okay.
Hi, everybody.
You're being weird.
You're being stupid, bro.
Well, I don't know how you do the Bs. you're being weird you're being stupid how well
but I don't know
how you do the
the B's
cause you're
yeah if you say B
you're supposed to do
like a
T sound or something
oh yeah with like
your tongue on your
your teeth
yeah
you're like
this is
I'm saying
beep beep beep
this is a great
this is a great
party
did it almost work yeah this is a great this is a great party this is a great This is a great tardy Did it almost work?
Yeah
This is a great
This is a great tardy
This is a great
This is a really great tardy
You're throwing
I don't know
Yeah
I think that's how you do it
Hey alright
Anyways
I hope everyone had
A really good
Newsy tardy
And
I just want to
Thank everyone
For their
Continued thort
Yeah
And then When you count down At midnight Then you kiss your dummy Your puppy I just want to thank everyone for their continued thort yeah and then
when you count down
at midnight
then you kiss your dummy
your puppy
yeah I'm sorry
uh
well
that's the end of this
year's first
first episode
of 2016
were you trying to say it
at the same time
or
we were doing
we were going one word
at a time
oh okay
we were
okay doing that thank you Peter our love to say it at the same time? No, we were doing, we were going one word at a time. Oh, okay. We were. Okay.
Thank you, Peter,
for the help that you've done.
You can't just start saying more words.
We'll just turn Peter.
I'm playing you out.
Do you have anything
coming up in January
you would like to plug?
Oh, I get to plug stuff.
January 14, 15, 16.
Not me,
but tons and tons
of sketch comedians
are coming into town.
Oh, right.
To Vancouver.
In Vancouver.
For the Vancouver
Sketch Comedy Festival.
So make sure you come
check it out
because I'm bringing back
some sweet, funny people.
And is it
Vancouver Sketch Fest
or where can people
go online to?
Yes,
VancouverSketchFest.com
And if there's
One show to see
What is it?
Mine
Um
Hmm
Hmm
One show to see
One show to see
There is a
Comedian
Coming up
Vanessa Gonzalez
From Texas
I watched her stuff
I think she's gonna be
Pretty funny
That one's on
The last day
Check that one out
Okay
And my buddies They've been at the fest Every year From Edmonton her stuff. I think she's going to be pretty funny. That one's on the last day. Check that one out. Okay.
And my buddies, they've been at the fest every year from Edmonton.
Gossamer Obsessions are always super funny.
That's a great name. Paul Blinov and Amy Shostak.
And their show is just awesome.
So, yeah, come see that.
Check those out.
I think they open it.
They're like first up.
I can't remember.
Go to the website.
Google it.
Yeah, Google it, you guys.
And where are you on Twitter if people want to follow you oh yeah follow me uh at peter carlone
perfect and watch me tweet at wendy's yeah yeah yeah and probably they'll tweet you back they do
yeah they fall i don't know if you know they follow me oh no they are they at square hamburgers
or they they have Wendy's?
My Wendy's
No one asked me
But the thing I get
Is the
Oh yeah
I should have asked
That ranch chicken
With bacon
And Asiago
Yep
Burger
Yep
That's a lot of great tastes
Yeah
So
So yeah
If you head over
Do you have anything to promote my friend?
No no no Everyone have a happy 2016 Yeah yeah If you head over Do you have anything To promote my friend?
No no no
Everyone have a happy
2016
Yeah absolutely
If you
Would like to
Head over to
Maximumfun.org
You can see pictures
And videos of
Some of the things
We talked about
On today's show
Yeah
Wendy's
Wendy's
Just a broken leg
In a trampoline
Well maybe not
I might not
Google that
Oh yeah I bet you There's some pretty Gnarly photos Oh yeah Yeah let's not Just a broken leg in a trampoline. Well, maybe not. I might not Google that.
Oh, yeah.
I bet you there's some pretty gnarly photos out there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's not.
Yeah.
What else did we talk about?
We talked about Tom Cruise.
No, that was off air.
Tom Cruise running.
We talked about that.
Reboots.
Reboots. Yeah, sure.
The new Independence Day.
There's a reboot reboot coming out, so maybe they'll set it.
Maybe there'll be a photo.
The animated,
computer animated.
Yeah,
we're really through
the looking glass.
Yeah,
totally.
And if you like the show,
you can leave a review
on iTunes,
or you can tell your friends,
or you can do both.
And come on back next week
for another episode
of Stop Podcasting Yourself.
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