Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 407 - Peter Carlone

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

Comedian Peter Carlone returns to talk high school gyms, trampolines, and found wallets....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 407 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the first episode of the new year. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who was visited by three spirits on New Year's Eve, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, first he came and one of one of them, showed me his dick. Showed me what life
Starting point is 00:00:48 would be like without his dick. And it was scary. Second one was like, uh, this is what would happen if you had two dicks. Awesome, was it great? It was the greatest. You're like, how do
Starting point is 00:01:04 I live that reality? Well, I can if I repent. So the next morning I yelled at some kids and I was like, go buy me whatever you buy on the first day of the new year. Buy me the biggest pair of underwear you can find. Wait, what was the third ghost? Oh, yeah. The third we missed. There was a third we missed.
Starting point is 00:01:29 Oh, he was me if I died in some kind of sexual deviancy involving multiple penises. I didn't pay attention. Yeah, you were stuck on that two penis guy. New Year's was intense for you. Oh, yeah. And they all looked like Ryan Seacrest. Oh, my God. Different ages of Ryan Seacrest?
Starting point is 00:01:43 Yeah. Oh, yeah. The future one was in a hood. I feel like that's the holiday that has more Scrooges than Christmas. Don't more people hate? Like when New Year's comes around, it's 50-50. People are like, New Year's is the best.
Starting point is 00:01:57 And New Year's is the worst. Yeah, everyone's been burned. No one's been burned by Christmas. No, that's true. Or fewer. New Year's, i feel like people really yeah they ramp it up they really want it to be something special yeah kind of never is and this this has come out after a bunch of those yeah people listening right now don't know that it we recorded this yesterday it's live it. It's live. They've been burned. They're fresh burned.
Starting point is 00:02:27 What I will say, since you were so quick to tip our hand, we're recording this before Christmas. That's true. And also, the person's voice you're hearing is a very funny comedian. Peter Carlone is our guest. Hello. Listen, I'm sorry I ruined 400 episode legacy of of lying to the audience. Stop podcasting.
Starting point is 00:02:49 These were all recorded in 2009. Yeah, they were recorded in one day at Sun Studios. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Have either of you ever had what you would uh categorize as like a really fun new year's eve yeah i've had good ones yeah uh uh with friends and stuff never like a romantic new year's eve i've never had a romantic new year's eve either that i can
Starting point is 00:03:25 because what are you supposed to do you're supposed to be in a crowd of people and then the crowd of people turns away and then you climax at midnight yeah i don't know they turn away uh i think yeah it's either the turn away you find a private spot in the party to go smooch or it's in the chaos it's like in the middle of everybody running around clapping and confetti is falling. And the camera moves in. Yeah, camera moves in. Gary Marshall is like, kiss. Yeah. Kiss, Ashton.
Starting point is 00:03:51 Unless you're the couple near the camera and you guys have to move out of the way so the camera can make it to the stars. And you pretend to talk. Wobble, wobble, wobble. Yeah, yeah. Ruba, ruba, ruba. Wobble, wobble. Wobble, wobble. Robble, wobble.
Starting point is 00:04:02 Do you do New Year's resolutions? Is that part of your life? I try not to. Right. Just because it's a cliche thing and everybody's like, oh, you're not going to do it. But you can't escape that feeling of it's the new year. Like, oh, I wonder what will be fresh. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:21 I wonder what will be new for me. Ignoring the fact that it's just another day yeah that it's like it's just the same week as last week yeah but you're thinking there's the feeling of you can't escape that feeling of like being a new person maybe does have that sort of like the day does feel different than other day yeah like and it might just be yeah it might just be because everywhere is closed all the stores are closed and you're like, my New Year's resolution is to have all these stores closed for one day.
Starting point is 00:04:49 And maybe you've been burned or not burned. Yeah. Either way, you feel a little different. Yeah, I mean, 7-Eleven's not going to close. No, that's true.
Starting point is 00:04:58 Oh, what if they did? What if that was their New Year's resolution? We're only going to be open from 7 to 11 and I'm not talking about 16 hours. I'm talking about 4. Yeah. In the morning, we're open from 7 to 11. And I'm not talking about 16 hours. I'm talking about 4.
Starting point is 00:05:05 Yeah. In the morning. We're open from 7am to 11am. I just wanted my breakfast taquito. Yeah, a very specific group of people would
Starting point is 00:05:14 be like, that doesn't change my plans at all. Yeah, I come in there, get my morning Twizzlers and head to work. Abby and I had a slurp, like I used to drink Slurpees every single day
Starting point is 00:05:27 from like age 12 to age 28. Yeah. And then I just stopped and... Cold turkey. Yeah, well, it wasn't hard. It was just like they started making me dehydrated.
Starting point is 00:05:41 What were the sizes you were rolling in towards the end? Big. The big ones. The big gold. Dude ones like two pack a day slurpee guy i never that was the only size i ever did was the big yeah unless i like the only that's so much sugar the only reason not to have the biggest slurpee would be like oh i'm i'm gonna be late for my flight yeah yeah or uh yeah i have to show up for thanksgiving dinner yeah so i'll just have a small one And then I'll have one after dinner
Starting point is 00:06:07 And for some reason On election day this past year This one, okay Or last year I guess We were like We're covering our tracks We both had the idea Let's stop and get Slurpees
Starting point is 00:06:21 Fresh start So did you get a big one? Did you jump right back in? Oh, a little one Little guy. Little guy. I think that's all I ever got was the little ones. I never graduated to bigger Slurpees.
Starting point is 00:06:32 I always felt that they were more syrupy than just getting a soda. I think so. Yeah, they're great. Aren't they? Yeah, they're great. But you can't, yeah, it's a timing thing. They'll melt as you drink them, the big ones. So you had quit for a while, and then Justin Trudeau,
Starting point is 00:06:48 you're like, holy, we need a Slurpee. Yeah, this is change we can believe in. The other good reason for getting the big ones is often it's a collectible cup. Oh, yeah. Around election day, what was the collectible cup? I don't know. We didn't really go.
Starting point is 00:07:06 We went to Mac. Obama-rama. Why would it be Obama? I don't know. Around Canadian Election Day? Yeah. They were making the cups and they couldn't remember. Let's just do the present one.
Starting point is 00:07:18 They were rooting through the back and they were like, I don't know. The Owls of Gahool. I don't know. That doesn't fit. Obama. That's good.. I don't know that. That doesn't fit. Obama. That's good. And I still have a bunch. I've got ones from maybe the old Star Wars.
Starting point is 00:07:32 The old Star Wars. 2002. Oh, the Jar Jars. Oh, yeah. Well, they actually had promotional jars for that one. It was very subtle. Yeah. And like the Terminator reboot oh yeah oh man and they're
Starting point is 00:07:49 great terminator salvation maybe yeah and they're great for like yeah terminator with the one where christian bale was mad at a guy that's the cup it's an image of him yelling yeah and it's one of those that changes when you look at it. It's him being calm and then him screaming at the guy. Oh, on this angle they're not through
Starting point is 00:08:08 professionally and on this angle they are. On the other side it's just the, what was it, the gaffer or something? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:14 Just shrugging. No, it was a robot. I don't know what I did to make him mad. It was a robot that was first day on set. First day in the world.
Starting point is 00:08:21 He didn't know. He kept calling him Chris Bale. Hey, it's Chris Bale. What a casual first day in the world. He didn't know. He kept calling him Chris Bale. Hey, it's Chris Bale. What a casual first day for that robot. What's up, Chris? But those, I hold on to them because they're good for smoothies.
Starting point is 00:08:35 Oh, yeah. They're good for milkshakes. Oh, they're still in active service. Oh, yeah. And they're good for if you want to pour a can of Coke in the freezer. And then eat it with a spoon. That just sounds like that just sounds like
Starting point is 00:08:46 moonshine slurpee yeah it's the moonshine it's toilet slurpee yeah um that's the best so it's been a while
Starting point is 00:08:55 since we've had you on yes and uh what I did last time fill us in what what uh on my life yeah
Starting point is 00:09:01 tell us spin us a yarn tell us a story, daddy. Chris and I have a show. Chris Wilson. Chris Wilson. Past guest. It's like a physical comedy, sketch comedy kind of show.
Starting point is 00:09:19 And we normally do the Fringe and comedy festivals. Yeah. But this time, this year was our first time doing a lot of small town tours, like little tours outside of the main tour we put together. Oh, okay. Trail and Nelson, Quadra Island, stuff like that. And we just recently did two weeks in Kelowna. Two weeks in Kelowna.
Starting point is 00:09:40 Yeah. Not a run at a theater. Oh, just hanging out in Kelowna for a bit? No, no, schools. Middle schools and high schools. Doing your show? And doing our show. But does it have to have like an anti-smoking message now?
Starting point is 00:09:53 Well, it was weird. The guy that booked us, we were very clear because he saw us at this sort of booking whatever festival thing and we do our bit and he's like, that's funny. You guys are funny guys. Let's book you for the school is this is this the coca thing where it's everybody they like showcase for coca school bookers it's called pacific contact okay sure yeah yeah same thing but it's the coca leaf yeah yeah yeah everybody's super energetic yeah it's really set up and take it down in an afternoon and we all
Starting point is 00:10:25 we all showcase our bits at the same time on the stage and everyone just talks about music yeah and like how
Starting point is 00:10:31 we gotta stay in contact cause we're gonna like we're really gonna work on this project it's gonna be huge I don't think I've I've only still only been around
Starting point is 00:10:39 cocaine people in movies you've only been around your like the only so you've not been around your like the only so you've not dabbled no but I wouldn't
Starting point is 00:10:49 but I don't even think I've been around people who've been on who've dabbled I've been around I know but you're a comedian well maybe I have
Starting point is 00:10:55 yeah I think you have and maybe you just didn't yeah I'm pretty like didn't know I'm pretty what do you call it naive
Starting point is 00:11:04 yeah cause I thought I hadn't I thought I didn't know pretty uh what do you call it naive yeah because i thought i hadn't i thought i didn't know anybody who did coke and then i was like uh talking to somebody and they were like oh remember that one night when they talked to you for half an hour straight and i was like yeah i just thought they were just really excited and they were like yeah because they were hot uh yeah i think I think it's because movies make it seem like this insane. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:29 Oh, that person's clearly on coke because of the big gun he has. Yeah, and all the mirrors he's carrying with cocaine on them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:37 And he's introducing his friends to his other friend. But like, in real life, I think it's just like coffee or something. It's just sort of like taking too much Advil or something. Yeah, and it's like, it will just seem a little bit, I think it's just coffee or something. It's just sort of like taking too much Advil or something.
Starting point is 00:11:45 Yeah, and it's like... It will just seem a little bit... I do like Advil. But that would be a good app. If you like this type of thing, you might like this type of drug. Like, I like Advil. Okay, man. Okay.
Starting point is 00:12:04 Do you like four Advils? do you like four advils you might like just a bit of cocaine yeah i i'm uh like i've slowly been like reading 10 books at the same time unless wait wait wait at the same time like throughout this course of time or do you lay all 10 books no yeah i built a contraption it's very dr susie yes um they're all just precariously balanced yeah perhaps i shall catch this page uh but last night i like i stopped reading the dirt the uh motley crew book oh yeah for about six months and then i picked it up last night yeah and like they do so many drugs like all the time yeah i'm sure i would die the first time i touched absolutely yeah yeah it's uh and they're all still alive at least poop my pants oh they probably poop their pants i i know i'm the statistic kid the the one you know when they're like somebody took it once
Starting point is 00:13:03 and his eyes melted like i'm I'm going to be that one. Everybody else has like, oh, it's fine. He just didn't know he was crazy allergic to Coke. Yeah, everybody else just has a good camping trip. You lose control of the left half of your body. Forever? Yeah. Oh, he didn't have Coke.
Starting point is 00:13:23 He had a stroke. Yeah. Ah, from the stroke elite. So you were at these middle schools. Oh, boy. And was it, like, to me, that sounds like a nightmare. That sounds like instant death to me, but am I wrong? It was one of those situations where you think about how it's going to go down.
Starting point is 00:13:41 You're like, oh, these kids are going to hate it. They're going to think they were so lame or they're not going to laugh. And like, we're going to be in gyms, which we were. Yeah. No lighting. Just like even Costco lights. So, and what did the principal come out? Like everybody?
Starting point is 00:13:55 Oh, it was the worst. Everybody put your hands in the air. Quiet. Oh, that thing. Yeah. There was some of that. And then. There was some, there was some talk about being respectful.
Starting point is 00:14:04 And like, I know you guys. Because of the last time. Yeah. And there was a lot of, you know, close your cell phones. Yeah. You know, respect. I know you guys want to be respectful and, you know. Right.
Starting point is 00:14:16 But these guys, the guys back here behind this curtain, which looked like two curtains from my living room that were tied up between the speaker poles that we also had to bring and rent from Long and McQuaid. And they looked like that because they were. We didn't have a backdrop, so we're like, I'll just use my living room curtains. So we're hiding behind the living room curtains. These guys are a pair of improvs, and they're going to come out and do some skits.
Starting point is 00:14:46 And then one school we were stand-ups. Another one we were performers. And that's like, okay, fair. We got there. And just don't tell kids how funny we are. If you're the principal. These guys are like a six.
Starting point is 00:15:01 These guys are the funniest. Oh, you're going to love them. Like, don't tell kids. Don't build it up too much. Don't build it up and don't tell kids. I only like people on Vine. Yeah. Mention our merch table.
Starting point is 00:15:15 Please mention the merch. So how did they go over? You know what? Okay, so the first three uh days which was six shows like we did you do a show at nine which is the perfect time for comedy 9 a.m but also like it's the first thing the kids are doing that day as well oh yeah oh they haven't even gotten they haven't but also it's like it's not they haven't had their medicine yet like you're giving them a treat before you're ready.
Starting point is 00:15:46 That's true. You have to be like, if you make it through 10 o'clock, you can see this show. That's true. I mean, the second show was probably that then. Those ones that had their medicine first. Of like half a math class. I don't know what their schedule was. And then they get trotted into the gym and they don't want to be here.
Starting point is 00:16:03 Of course they do. Yeah, no, they want to be in the gym. That's a good point. Because the alternative is either. The other half of the gym, the math class. Yeah. Yeah. The only people that don't want to be there are somebody that has a spare.
Starting point is 00:16:15 That wants to. They have to go. Well, they don't have to, but then they'll be the only kid in the school that didn't see the thing. And then the rest of the day. Just out by the smoking doors. Yeah. Vaping. There was so much vaping
Starting point is 00:16:27 Really? They vape a lot Hmm Kids today? Kids today Kids these days Not indoors Well no
Starting point is 00:16:34 Outside where You would One would traditionally I mean Calgary In the smoker pit In the smoker pit Smoke pit Or the smoke
Starting point is 00:16:41 I had smoking doors Just like the exit doors Near the The gym I think But there. Just like the exit doors near the gym, I think. But there's places you can vape inside, I think. I wonder if in the school they're like, no, no vaping. Yeah. The vape lounge is closed because you guys didn't treat it properly. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:58 You didn't treat it respectfully. The Sir Wilford Laurier Memorial Vape Lounge. The vape lounge. Oh, man. I wonder if I could... Can I write a will and write that into the will like, if I die, I want you to put a memorial... Vape Lounge.
Starting point is 00:17:14 Vape Lounge in my old high school. Could you have that on your tombstone and thus declare the area around your grave? Yeah, this area is cool with vaping. The Grave Clock Memorial and Vape Lounge? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, like, it's the same. You're, like, entombed.
Starting point is 00:17:36 Yeah, I'm like Hansel on the wall. I haven't seen the new Star Wars yet. Oh, no, this is the old Star Wars. Well, he might be the new one. No, that's true. Maybe he gets refrozen. And then on his way down, he's just like, again. And then the audience is like, again?
Starting point is 00:17:52 Yeah. Oh, you're not supposed to freeze something twice. But that would be like... It's bad for it. It actually damages the fibers. Actually, it's the thawing that damages it. The freezing's not the problem. The freezing happens quickly enough.
Starting point is 00:18:06 You know the sequels to Austin Powers or Wayne's World where it was just all the same jokes again? Yeah. That would be the best if it was just like, well, people like this the first time. This is just the greatest hits. Weren't they successful? Wouldn't it be maybe a bit successful if it was the same?
Starting point is 00:18:23 Well, the first Austin Powers sequel was successful. I think the third one, people were like, again, right. Again with the shit. Um, so. Do an offensive Indian guy next. Yes. And then he was like, okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:37 You got it. You got it. Um, so, so the kids, the 9am shows. Oh yeah. Good. Bad. Okay. Like I was going to say that the first three days were horrible like it was all the nightmares coming true like what what uh every kid brought a laser pointer yeah like chris and i are back there we're doing and and uh our bit it's very physical comedy right it's not just we're not just standing there and like good thing you're in a gym yeah exactly so but we're like we're doing it's not physically awesome comedy it's physically
Starting point is 00:19:12 we're just we run around a lot i mean it's like if south park if terrence and philip were real canadian a canadian duo i think that's. And so we're running around telling our little soft fart jokes and, and, and running around the stage and we had to cut our bluer stuff. Right. Uh, because, uh,
Starting point is 00:19:32 because it's a school. Right. Yeah. You know, even though they'd hurt, like, I'm sure they would be fine with the odd blue joke here and there. They watch and make them all the time.
Starting point is 00:19:42 Yeah. But we're representing a school. Right. So right off the bat, they are an off-board. Just the opposite of interested. This is a middle school? Middle schools and high schools. Like, we were getting both.
Starting point is 00:19:55 And I'd say halfway through our 45-minute show, they were kind of a little won over. And it was only because they realized that there wasn't going to be any learning going on. Ah, okay. Which is what you asked earlier. Yeah, yeah. There wasn't. We made it very clear to the guy that booked us.
Starting point is 00:20:13 We're like, we don't have a message. This is just sketch comedy. We're not going to be throwing anything at them at the end. Like, oh, also, did you like those laughs? Hey, don't drink and drive. Yeah. Be nice to an amputee. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:28 But just this one amputee. Charles. Be nice to the amputee. And so on the fourth day, we kind of figured it out. And that was right off the top, you kind of have to harass them a little bit. It's like a bouffant clown thing. Oh, really? Like, you have to come out like, come on.
Starting point is 00:20:48 You could do better than that. Yeah, you go out and you kind of make fun of them a little bit. You pick, like, one of the really cool kids or something. How can you tell who's cool? Pompadour. It's usually Pompadour Switchblade. It's like the cigarette case rolled up in the sleeve. He's got his vape thing in his sleeve.
Starting point is 00:21:04 His vape thing is rolled up in his sleeve. You see the weird wonky antenna poking out. That's stretching his shirt out. Yeah. He turns on an iPad with a fist. Like a jukebox. So cool. Just to hit set.
Starting point is 00:21:20 The modern Fonzies. Yeah. Rolls in on the hoverboard. Yeah. I mean, more or less. A pompadour man bun. These are things. These are updates.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Classic. The updates. You look for the 2015 version, I guess. Yeah. Do they look like they probably bullied me in high school when I was going there? They're the cool kid, though. Does it look like the Chixel cream? So you would point them out and be like, hey, don't be Mr. Cool Guy?
Starting point is 00:21:51 My favorite is just like a lot of them would show up late. Oh, yeah. You know, they just couldn't figure out how to get to the gym. That's a power move. Yeah, it's a very power move, especially if you're doing like a piece of theater. If you're doing a talk, then whatever, you come in late, whatever. We're doing in the middle of our play play trying to set up this like comedy and then you hear the loud door like yeah walks in the collar on his leather bomber is flipped yeah he walks and that point i would stop doing like the opening sort of monologue thing. Oh, it showed up.
Starting point is 00:22:25 Nice. Nice of you to join us. Oh, and did people love it? It was always when we went to the talking about them vaping or at the smoke doors. Were you having a smoke? Were you vaping?
Starting point is 00:22:36 Do kids know vaping is funny? I don't know. I think so. I mean, it got a laugh, but they were also vaping. it wouldn't work with in my day like oh were you smoking and the guy would be like yes i was oh you're cool plan b where'd you get your trench coat i love it that's true yeah that's true but i think that we
Starting point is 00:23:01 we were or those kids now are in the like, we're all aware it's bad phase. Right. I went to high school when, well, smoking. I went to high school when smoking was like still pretty cool. But like, so you make fun of the cool guy and then is that kind of like, hey, he's taken down our alpha. He's our new alpha.
Starting point is 00:23:23 It wasn't unlike that. like you definitely poke at them a little bit and then i made fun of the gym which always worked yeah you're like thanks for putting us in your voting place basically i just say like the mood is set for our play you know the lighting is perfect just a nice even fluorescent light the kind of light that 15 years from now we'll be like, hey, those are really bad for us. Oh, well. Kids just have all kinds of weird tumors on the tops of their heads from this dousing of fluorescence. What if there was research and it turns out baldness was caused by the kids who didn't skip gym all went bald? All the cool kids.
Starting point is 00:24:08 I have just great hair. Perfect hair. You know what? It makes sense. It does make sense. And I would have somebody to sue for this, finally. I've always wanted, I'm losing my hair a little bit. You know, you can tell with the whip and the thing in the back.
Starting point is 00:24:21 And I've always wanted somebody to blame. But it turns yeah my parents yeah yeah the genes um what is you do you have a plan for for your balding are you gonna you're gonna shave it off i'm so glad you asked i have a 10-year body plan okay lay it lay it out here's what i want to do all right i'm what am, what am I, 170, 180 or something right now? Pounds. Okay. Years old.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Years old. I'm a cool 180. Well, if I still have a head of hair like that when I'm 180 years old, I'm like 170, 180. I don't remember. I don't remember my age because I'm so old. It was tough for me to relate to the teenagers because I was 150 years older than them. I told them about all the major wars
Starting point is 00:25:09 I'd been in. You guys vaping that hard tack? Alright, so 10 year body plan. I want to gain another 20-30 pounds. Fat? I want it to be fat, but then I want to become strong. I want to start working out.
Starting point is 00:25:27 That's how it works. First, you have to get really fat. Then you just wheel it into muscle. Yeah, it just gets stale. Then it hardens up. Yeah. Leave it out for a bit. So the plant, I'd like to be huskier is what I'm getting at.
Starting point is 00:25:40 Okay. Okay. And then I'm working on the beard. Okay. You know, I want to get it a big, I want to get it going. Yep. And then. A full beard And then shaved up top
Starting point is 00:25:48 Just completely Like shaved Or like bicked I'm thinking Statham Style Real short Real short
Starting point is 00:25:56 Real short but he's fine with it Yeah Do you think you'll be able to do He can do whatever he wants He wears a lot of hats That's true He can do whatever he wants And I want to
Starting point is 00:26:04 You know be That do whatever I want. Yeah. Oh, yeah, me too. I'm sure we all do. Well, actually, I want to be told. I want to be told what to do. I want a British guy to tell me what to do. Like a statement.
Starting point is 00:26:18 This is a good plan. I like my plan because it involves what naturally happens when you eat lots of Wendy's and go bald. Except there is one element in there. Exactly, but that's not bad as a one element fix. I just have to change who I am. At the core. And feel like working out. What do you like at Wendy's?
Starting point is 00:26:37 What do I like at Wendy's? Yeah. And have you noticed that they say, welcome to my Wendy's at the drive-thru? They do? Welcome to my Wendy's? Yeah. Like as in they're taking the possessive say, welcome to my Wendy's at the drive-thru? They do? Welcome to my Wendy's? Yeah. Someone. Like as in they're taking the possessive, like welcome to my, this is my Wendy's.
Starting point is 00:26:51 Someone, because we've talked about that on the show before at the local Wendy's that I go to. Uh-huh. Which one's your spot? 8th and Camby. 8th and Camby? Yeah. 8th and Camby? Isn't it Camby and Broadway? Well. Ith and Cambie? Yeah. Eighth and Cambie? Isn't it Cambie and Broadway?
Starting point is 00:27:08 Well... It's right on the corner there. It does have a two block. But if you're driving through it. It's a complex. If you're driving through it, it's only eight. Yeah. The Wendy's District.
Starting point is 00:27:16 But... I love that Wendy's. They say, welcome to my Wendy's. And someone wrote and said, oh yeah, I just heard another Wendy's say that and I googled it and it's a thing that's like they that's a corporate speak yeah like make sure you say that it's a fireable offense if you
Starting point is 00:27:34 say welcome to the Wendy's welcome to a Wendy's I don't care what's your pick? my pick for restaurant that one my pick for meal my pick for restaurant, that one. My pick for meal. My pick for meal, the number six.
Starting point is 00:27:50 What's that? Spicy chicken. You get an upsized fries and a Coke. Is that what they call them, upsized? No, I say that. What do they call it? They say what size do you want. Small, medium, large.
Starting point is 00:28:03 No, they don't have like a... They used to. Do you want a maximum Biggie Biggie Size it It was Biggie And I just hated saying Biggie Can you Biggie size my fries
Starting point is 00:28:09 Can you Dave Thomas it up Can't you Dave Thomas it up Sometimes your burgers Just hypnotize me The thing to realize About me and my love Of Wendy's Is it's very extensive
Starting point is 00:28:20 I tweet at them all the time They follow me on Twitter Doesn't cost them anything. Wendy's Canada or Wendy's Wendy's Corporation. Just at Wendy's? The American one. What the fuck? At Wendy's. I had a thing back and forth for a while
Starting point is 00:28:35 with Arby's. Does it cost them anything? To answer your question, Dave, it does not cost them anything to follow me. And it makes me feel like a million bucks. And I spend lots of money there and tweet about it all the time oh crap i just figured out their their system uh i had a thing going with arby's for a long time yeah sweet negative or a positive thing no i don't go i've never only been there once in my whole life and so i don't really know what they serve there like i know it's some sort of beef some some sort of pressed meat, roasted beef.
Starting point is 00:29:05 Yeah. But like beef in its craziest, flattest form, like rolled out. It looks weird. It looks like a brain or something. It looks like. And then it looks like if you hold it in the light, it like has like that rainbow effect. Like it's got some sort of prism. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:20 It's got some oil on it. It diffracts the light into the spectrum. Yeah. Like if you just took one and taped it up over a light, it would give a nice rainbow effect. Is it like a prism or is it like that... Like oil on concrete. Yeah, gasoline and water. Yeah. I've never been to an Arby's.
Starting point is 00:29:40 Never? No. You're missing out on curly fries. I had some curly fries the other day at cafeteria. Wait, at cafeteria? At cafeteria. Is that a thing? I don't know about this.
Starting point is 00:29:50 Oh, you don't go to cafeteria? No. Dave hangs out at a high school. He just calls it cafeteria. The other cool kids call it the calf. Of course. Dave will go out and play a game of cards with some of the cool kids. You guys want to
Starting point is 00:30:06 play go fish for pinks so the shows eventually oh man went off without a hitch yeah I mean
Starting point is 00:30:21 there were still various hitches throughout yeah a lot of hitches throughout. Yeah. A lot of hitches on this trailer, but it was, or whatever the expression means.
Starting point is 00:30:29 I don't think that is an expression. There's a lot of hitches on this. What went off without a hitch? That just means it went fine.
Starting point is 00:30:37 What is the history of it? Oh. There wasn't a hitch on the trailer, so it easily went off. It's hitchless. Yeah, it's like. It went off without a hitch. Hitchlessly. We really should have gotten a hitch on the trailer, so it easily went off. It's hitchless. Yeah, it's like... It went off without a hitch.
Starting point is 00:30:46 Hitchlessly. We really should have gotten a hitch for that trailer. No, we shouldn't have because it went off so well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't even need a hitch. Yeah, no hitch. Went off without a hitch. Isn't that just a bad trailer?
Starting point is 00:30:57 Yeah, and speaking of which, the trailer for the movie Hitch. Where's that bright green Lacoste shirt? Oh, wow. Good trailer memory. Well, it was the big trailer. A lot of people went to movies just to see that trailer. It won a lot of awards at the trailies.
Starting point is 00:31:21 Sales of Lacoste shirts. I also saw the trailer for the new Independence Day sequel. That's a pretty needless sequel. I got a bone to pick with that trailer. Go on. Well, that movie looks like every other epic movie right now, first of all. And the whole point of Independence Day was it was fun.
Starting point is 00:31:40 Like this movie, you can tell by the trailer, is not going to have a welcome to Earth moment. Yeah. Is it? Because Will Smith's not in it that I know of. They couldn't not going to have a welcome to Earth moment. Yeah. Is it? Well, it's just Will Smith's not in it. Well. That I know of. They couldn't afford him, I think, I heard.
Starting point is 00:31:49 Really? Yeah. They were like, we'll just get Jeff. Yeah, they got Jeff and. DJ Jazzy Jeff? Yeah. He says, yeah, welcome to Earth. Classic handshake.
Starting point is 00:32:03 I love it. But they got Judd Hirsch he's back yep Judd oh okay yeah and
Starting point is 00:32:12 I was hoping it was Judd Nelson Bill Pullman I almost said Philip Pullman the author of the oh yeah Golden Compass
Starting point is 00:32:20 but why would Bill Pullman be back you can't be a president for 25 years no but I think it's because he has specific experience with the aliens. So they're going to bring him back. He sat in that alien summit.
Starting point is 00:32:30 There was that big scene where they were like, what about trade embargoes? He was like, well, they're staying there. He said that. He threw a paper airplane at them. And they were like, that gives me an idea. What if we... Because isn't there a scene where he talks to the alien and the alien's talking to his brain?
Starting point is 00:32:51 It's an amazing scene with Brett Spiner. Oh, yeah. Data from Star Trek. And he's got his little tentacles wrapped around Brent Spiner. And Brent Spiner's shoved up the thing. And then he's making him talk. And Bill Pullman's talking to Brent Spiner. Yeah. What do you want? What do you want? And then he's making him talk. And Bill Pullman's talking to Brent Spiner. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:05 What do you want? What do you want? And then he was like, can there be peace between us? And then he goes, and then gurgles out, no peace, only war,
Starting point is 00:33:14 only death or something. And then he has that wicked question to the street service guys. He's like, hey, is this glass bulletproof? Which it fully should have been. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:23 And they were like, why wasn't it bulletproof? And they were like, nope. And they knew what time it been. Yeah. And they were like, why wasn't it bulletproof? And they were like, nope. And they knew what time it was. Yeah. And they just iced that sucker. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Starting point is 00:33:34 Is Jeff Goldblum in it? Is that the Jeff? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the Jeff. And so like, in the trailer, it's like the aliens have just come back.
Starting point is 00:33:42 Like, it's just, it's the same thing over here. With bigger ships. Yeah. Do you remember? I'm just over the gritty reboot i want a fun reboot i'm over the 20 year gap between the movie and the reboot yeah like or the movie in the sequel yeah oh man so are lots of studios because wasn't spider-man spider-man was rebooted every year and a half for the past like 10 years. But I mean like Dumb and Dumber had 20 years and Zoolanders had 15
Starting point is 00:34:09 and Ghostbusters has 25. And if you count Star Wars like that's over 30 years? When was the last Star Wars? This is a sequel to the last one. Oh right. A sequel to the last one right oh right oh sure a sequel to episode 6
Starting point is 00:34:27 I yeah like Han Solo's like well Harrison Ford's like really old now I don't mind that because they already
Starting point is 00:34:34 had 6 of them right so you're like might as well it's when it's like Zoolander and you're like oh I
Starting point is 00:34:41 we were happy with this this was good yeah yeah fine as is it's still kind of timeless. It's still watchable, I think. Yeah. I think.
Starting point is 00:34:47 I maybe said that. I went into that a bit confidently. But just the... Well, I think it's... I think so. Zoolander holds up as a funny 40-year-old virgin or something. It didn't hold up for two years. Growing up in like 1989, were there sequels from the 60s?
Starting point is 00:35:05 No. Although, you know, there's like this weird bit of trivia I read yesterday that Die Hard is technically a sequel to a movie that starred Frank Sinatra called The Detective. So The Detective was based on a book and Die Hard was based on the sequel to that book. Oh. And so technically, because of his contract, they had to offer the role to Frank Sinatra. He was 72 at the time. And he turned it down.
Starting point is 00:35:37 But, oh, man. He should have said yes. I know. We all. I have a machine gun now. Ho, ho, ho. Oh, he should have said yes We all really missed out
Starting point is 00:35:48 On that Yippee ki yay Mia Farrow He was also allowed to write it Yeah I do one take Ring-a-ding-ding Now I feel like I have a machine gun I do one take. Ring-a-ding-ding.
Starting point is 00:36:09 Now I feel like I have this dizzy broad at home. Anyways. That's an awesome sequel. Yeah, so that's technically a sequel that was like 30 years apart. So that's a technical answer to Dave. Yeah. I guess so. But not a straight up answer. Like we don't need another.
Starting point is 00:36:27 I don't think, like I think the Ghostbusters thing will be fine, but it's like. It'll be cool. The original Ghostbusters is still fine. But they got a cool cast for this one. Yeah. That's true.
Starting point is 00:36:36 I mean, the last cast was good too, but. Well. It's a concept reboot almost. I like, yeah, I like it,
Starting point is 00:36:42 especially because of all the people i know who believe in ghosts they're all women it's like is this true well i mean think about it i when i watch those ghost hunter shows i feel like it's all dudes what wandering around the house do you think they're just doing that to get close to it appeals i have a friend who saw a ghost oh i heard about her i have one I have one male friend. No, who doesn't. He doesn't believe in ghosts, but he's pretty sure there's something there. But he's like, I'm not ready to believe.
Starting point is 00:37:16 He's like a hesitant Christian, but about ghosts. He's like, I'm not ready. He's like a scully. Yeah, he's like, I need to be spooked real good. Speaking of rebooting and sequeling things. Oh, yeah. See, that's a thing that didn't need to. Did that need to keep going?
Starting point is 00:37:31 No, did it? Well, they need it to keep going. Whose idea was it? It was like, you know whose bank account is getting low? Mine. I think it was the smoking man. The vaping man. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:37:44 I hope they have vaping in this. If it's not vaping man, then I'm not watching it. If he doesn't vape. Oh man. There's no way you can smoke in government buildings these days. I don't think you could when that show first came out. That guy, like, to be a guy who was supposed to be clandestine, he certainly had a calling card that everybody would be like everybody like oh you mean the
Starting point is 00:38:05 guy who always smells like cigarettes yeah which is the thing baffling me about james bond movies why that he's clearly he's supposed to be a clandestine like an assassin yeah and he just sort of strolls around he's like yeah and introduces himself. And tells, so I just went, okay, this is a good segue, because I went last night to go watch Spectre. Let the Spectre. I heard the theme song and I do not remember it. No. Sam's. Me neither.
Starting point is 00:38:35 I heard it yesterday. Or in French, as it is called, Spachtre. Spachtre. So I went to see it. And there's a scene where, like, the bad guy, whatever, end of the movie, you go to the headquarters. Yeah. And they just went to see it and there's a scene where like the bad guy whatever end of the movie you go to the
Starting point is 00:38:47 headquarters and they just went to it they just went to the headquarters like it wasn't a hidden headquarters no they got a ride they literally
Starting point is 00:38:55 they took a train got off a train station waited and then somebody from the bad guy headquarters picked them up and drove them to the headquarters
Starting point is 00:39:03 took his gun they gave him a tour they took evil Uber and then tortured him for a bit yeah they took an evil Uber and it's like
Starting point is 00:39:11 what yeah just chop his head off well and the whole argument was that's what I would do instead of giving him a ride just chop his head off meet him at the train
Starting point is 00:39:22 yeah chop his head off meet him at the train be like hi I'm your driver as soon as they get in shoot them yeah or yeah like oh just so you know you have an exploding car yeah yeah yeah so don't be in it or be in it or like we're just not gonna tell you i'm not here to tell you like we're happy to lose a henchman yeah instead they lost all the henchmen we're gonna lose these henchmen anyways. Hey, Paul Feig, how about reboot it with some henchwomen? Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:48 Yeah. Hollywood. Yeah, where's the henchwomen? Would it be optic? Like, would the optics of that be bad? Do you know what I mean? Henchwomen? What, about a movie with like a bunch of henchwomen?
Starting point is 00:40:01 And then James Bond is just like, he's just killing us, mowing down women. I guess that is maybe one step forward, two steps back. Or just make all the characters with lots of lines, women. And then henchmen. Has any of the ultimate bad guys in any of the James Bond movies been a woman? My favorite bad guy is the ultimate bad guy. I think they weren't trying in the script
Starting point is 00:40:27 for that one. But do you know what I mean? Have there been? I don't know. There have been a couple of betrayals. Femmes Fatales. Yeah. Which is not, I mean, that's a whole other sexist conversation. Why don't they reboot James Bond and make it a woman? Why not? Why not?
Starting point is 00:40:43 Like a Jane Bond kind of thing? This would be Jane Bond. Or like just a bad guy being the woman. Yeah. Or both. Like Dr. No. Why can't Dr. No? I can't operate on this.
Starting point is 00:40:52 Yeah. I'm a male doctor. It's my son or wife or whatever. I forget how that joke goes. It's my cat. What does Dr. No have? I don't know. I can't watch those early pawns.
Starting point is 00:41:06 They're pretty silly. Yeah. Well, the new ones got pretty silly, too, at the end. Yeah, like I've always... There's another reboot. Casino Royale. But that was a good reboot. That was, like, awesome.
Starting point is 00:41:17 Yeah, I mean, they just... I'm sorry. I'm a modem. You gotta unplug them him plug him back in yeah um yeah I don't know I would watch a
Starting point is 00:41:31 completely an all female James Bond reboot I'd watch that cause it's pretty like you're right he's supposed to be this
Starting point is 00:41:38 clandestine operative yeah but he goes around introduces himself by his real name yeah gets drunk gets drunk blows shit up everywhere.
Starting point is 00:41:46 Yeah. Well, and the whole theme of the movie is it's the modern world. We don't need these one-man operatives anymore. We just need drones to do strikes. What about an all-drone reboot? Zero Dark Thirty. No, that wasn't a drone reboot. Drone.
Starting point is 00:42:04 James Droneone James Drone James Drone It's just a guy Like with a remote control In Nevada The movie is Ten minutes long And quite sad
Starting point is 00:42:12 Yeah Oh man Dave what's going on with you? Oh 2016 Yeah Right? Oh So many expectations
Starting point is 00:42:19 Year of promise What could it be? What is it gonna be? Take it Gonna be a new president Uh huh In the states Oh yeah Uh there's gonna be Is there an Olympics? Yep Thomas. What could it be? What is it going to be? Take it. Going to be a new president. Uh-huh. In the States. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:27 There's going to be, is there an Olympics? Yeah. It's going to be an Olympics in Russia. No. Yeah. No. We just did one in Russia. China?
Starting point is 00:42:35 We just did one in China. Oh, boy. I don't know either. Not London. Oh. Rio. Rio. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:44 So stay tuned. Stay tuned to this podcast for all your Olympic coverage. 2016 is a big year for a lot of countries, not us. Yeah. The U.S. I mean, we're in the Olympics. Wow, summer? Yeah, we're in there for fun.
Starting point is 00:42:59 Yeah, what are we in? Trampoline? We gold in trampoline. We do gold in trampoline. We have more trampolines per capita that was the that was the greatest finding out that we won a gold and also that trampolining was in the olympic games all in one yeah headline they won and i won a bum war like a bum fight no it's when you when you do as many bum drops as possible.
Starting point is 00:43:26 I don't know what people from countries that call it butt. Here goes Team Canada going for the double jump. Yeah. Ooh, you double bounced. One of them will sacrifice himself to get extra height for the other one. Oh, we almost went over the safety net. One of them will sacrifice himself. It's a real Hail Mary in the trampolining world.
Starting point is 00:43:46 Yeah. Because you don't get to bounce anymore. This is what makes trampolining so dynamic. Is that there's two of them. Did either of you have trampolines growing up? Friends. Yeah, my parents got a trampoline that mostly my brothers used. I was past interest of trampolining by the time they caved in and got one. We had the old type, and we only had it in the summers.
Starting point is 00:44:15 But it was the, I'm certain we've talked about this before. But instead of the mesh bottom, it was like a tarp bottom. What? And like the trampoline itself was like orange. Wait, so it was a tarp but taught enough to still have bounce. It was weird.
Starting point is 00:44:31 It was tarp-like. It was sort of just this thick rubber mat. Was it like old-timey? Is that why? No, I don't know. Huh. I remember the orange ones. And it could hold water. Like if you poured water on it and you sat on it, you could have like splash, splash up and down on it.
Starting point is 00:44:46 Oh, cause it wouldn't go through the, yeah. My parents instilled a great deal of fear in me about trampolines, unfortunately, which kind of wrecked it for me a little bit. But also just that there's, I can see that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:57 Cause kids are like, it was like a ultimatum to me. Like that. So they, you know, the spring part where there's a little bit of, there's nothing but metal spring. And then there's the soft edge and then grass yeah they're like if you get to be my baby i was like mom stop stop mom um if you You want to call me, Bill. Don't write us.
Starting point is 00:45:26 If you fall in that hole in that area near the springs, you'll break your arm or your leg. Whatever falls in there, it will break. I for sure knew kids in school that had broken their arms on trampolines. I mean, that's a good point. And I didn't. So, I mean, they did a good job, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a good point.
Starting point is 00:45:41 And I didn't. So, I mean, they did a good job, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Like, I think instilling fear in your kid about trampolines is something where I'm like, that's the right thing to do. Yeah. Like, you know, like about drugs, like then it's just going to make kids more curious. But with trampolines, it's like, no, yeah, make sure you don't break your arm because then I'm not washing you in the tub. You know, like, well, you can't take a shower for two months.
Starting point is 00:46:08 My parents were the same way about drugs. I'm not going to wash you. You overdose on drugs. I'm not washing you. I'm not going to wash you. I'm not washing you in the tub. With a garbage bag over your leg. Over your face. Because of the drugs. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:24 But it is like, it sort of is like drugs where like the cool parents would be like hey i don't mind as long as you do it i do it here where i can keep an eye on you can tramp yeah you can i'm tramping balls yeah my friend had uh trampoline we went on it on the daily i mean once. I mean, once you get that bouncing high. Once you figure out how to do one or two things too. Yeah. Or some flip back flip. The only environment in which you feel comfortable doing a sort of a backwards,
Starting point is 00:46:54 like a somersault or any type of flip type. I would never attempt anything like that now because I'm worried about hurting my teeth. Worried about landing on my face, smashing all my teeth out and having to pay a doctor to put them back in. And that awkward week before the appointment with just no teeth. Yeah, exactly. Where everybody wants to take my picture. You look so gross. Hey, I bought all this corn. Oh, I love corn. Well, I did.
Starting point is 00:47:20 Let's make sure there's lots of record of this. So, that's about it. 2016's here. I of this. So that's about it. 2016's here. I got nothing going on. Okay. All right. You?
Starting point is 00:47:36 I, yesterday, I went to the thrift store. Whoa. And then on my way back, I got off the bus and there was a wallet sitting on the ground and so I was like and I looked around to see if anybody was like if there was like a fishing line on it
Starting point is 00:47:50 yeah exactly I didn't want to be on one of those prank shows and I didn't want to be on one of those what would you do social experiments yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:47:58 thanks John Quinonez was John Stossel maybe the host of that when it first started give me a break yes so you find this wallet find this wallet uh an orange velcro deal uh-huh and uh no vd yeah you know what is it i bring to the party abbreviations yeah i guess so um and uh so i picked it up and uh there was this uh older uh lady that was eyeing me like i was gonna keep the wallet and i was like i'm just
Starting point is 00:48:36 i you didn't pick it up so i'm you don't be you're not the fucking community you know did this interaction take place or is this just going on in your this is going on in my head but We're not the fucking community, you know, whatever. The watchdog, yeah. Yeah. Did this interaction take place? Or is this just going on in your head? This is going on in my head. But no, she's staring at me and she's walking away. But every couple of steps, she turns around to look at me again to see what's the status of me with this thing. See how rich you are.
Starting point is 00:48:58 And then even at one point, I looked over and she was like around the corner, but she like peeked her head around the building. Oh, man. Yeah, I was like, well, be involved or don't. This was the corner, but she like peeked her head around the building. Oh, man. Yeah, I was like, well, be involved or don't. This was the most exciting thing that's happened in her day. Oh, yeah, exactly. Maybe a week. She doesn't have TV, so this is her what would you do. That's true.
Starting point is 00:49:16 And then, so I opened it and it had an ID with the address. It was closed. Yeah, so I threw it in the gutter but i i thought oh i could drop this in the mailbox but it was like i thought it was really close by it was like oh it's on uh you know 47th avenue so like and i was on 49th. So I was like, okay, I can, you know, I can walk over. Just drop it in the mailbox. I way misjudged how close it was. 40-minute walk.
Starting point is 00:49:53 So angry. I was carrying all my stuff from the thrift store. Swearing the whole time. I was so mad. You didn't think about just, like, bailing? I did think about bailing but uh then i was like uh like i was past the halfway point and then i was like uh i've already come this far like already wasted this time so then i got to the place finally and uh i knocked on the door
Starting point is 00:50:20 and uh it wasn't the person but I think it was a group home. Oh. And so I think the director of the group home answered. And I was like, hey, I found this at the bus stop. And she was like, oh, thanks. And then just closed the door. I was like, oh, come on. Come on, man.
Starting point is 00:50:41 She should have at least been like, oh, you must have walked a long ways. What? Bus stop. Come in, have some cocoa. Tell us the tale. Yeah. Here at this group home.
Starting point is 00:50:52 Well, yeah. Not to be all serious about it, but like, you want to know a bit of the story or something or like, yeah. Who's the man behind this wallet? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:00 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it just, it was very like, but then I was like, maybe that maybe this person drops their wallet four times a week. uh it was very like but then i was like maybe that maybe this person drops their wallet four times a week and it's just like yeah thanks was there anything
Starting point is 00:51:11 juicy in the wallet like better not touch that crisp hundred dollars like there was anything juicy like capri sun just in the folds of the wallet just rolled up there was some cash cash money there was uh what do you call it when you go to the movie theater scene card oh okay uh and then like a lot of those type of cards like i think like oh and free membership to whatever yeah like also a member of like the colonel's popcorn club and uh the chapter is whatever card yeah there was a library card in there, which I have not carried a library card for some years. I hope. Man, this person sounds like he does a lot of activities. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:53 I think like he's trying to get another group home. Yeah. Something to do. Let's go to the library. And, you know, what else was in there? There were no credit cards or debit cards. It was all fun. It was all like fun cards.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Oh, cool. It was all like stuff. It was like one subway from a free subway. Yeah. Yeah. This entitles you to fun on one water slide. Amazing. Um, what wallet?
Starting point is 00:52:19 Uh, so you, can you put a wallet in a mailbox? Oh, I've heard that. Is that a, yeah. Is that a real thing? Yeah. If there's a bit of ID that has the address on it. I know that banks have like a deposit place. But I think that's for-
Starting point is 00:52:35 They just keep the money. Yeah. They just empty it. They just consider it a deposit. That's how they get their record profits. Yeah. But that's what I was hoping, that there was a bank card because then I would go to the bank and
Starting point is 00:52:46 say here's what you're empty this account. Try one two three four. Okay. One two three five. Okay. One one one one.
Starting point is 00:53:01 One one one two. Oh it works. That's what I went. The guy at the bank just keeps doing it until it works. Oh, there we go. You're right. It's crazy that he forgot his password. He'll get it eventually.
Starting point is 00:53:16 Yeah. I mean, how many numbers are there? Oh, yeah. Oh, I was wrong. Yeah, I remember it now. That's my code. Because why was 6 afraid of 7? Anyway, how much money did I have?
Starting point is 00:53:30 I owe what? Overdropped? What? But, yeah, I think the mailbox thing, I think in the future that's what I'll do. Yeah. Toss it. Toss it in the old mailbox. In the future, how about a female do yeah toss it toss her in the old mailbox in the future
Starting point is 00:53:45 how about a female box right reboot it's a different word and then the male person will open it see the wallet
Starting point is 00:53:56 and be like that's a 40 minute walk I don't want to take it back they just put it in another mailbox yeah it just keeps popping no harm
Starting point is 00:54:04 no foul yeah exactly takes out takes out a $10 bill for his troubles another mailbox. Yeah, I just keep tapping. No harm, no foul. Yeah, exactly. Takes out a $10 bill for its troubles. Because most times when you put the mail in the mailbox, it gets delivered
Starting point is 00:54:12 by the person picking it up. Oh, this is right around the corner. That's how it works in my world. Oh, this is in China. I'm not taking that.
Starting point is 00:54:21 Four letters today. Okay. I'm not taking that shit. Well, I can't walk all the way to saskatchewan there's there's one mailman that does it like i'm delivering that yeah it's china postcard is getting there if it's the last thing i do also sending postcards is... One of my roommates got a postcard. I just read it. Better not be private. It wasn't super private, but it wasn't not...
Starting point is 00:54:52 Yeah, if you're writing a postcard. It could have been sealed. That's what you're saying. It should have been enveloped. Yeah, or text message. Be like, oh, I was sending you this text message. It's very expensive from where I am. My girlfriend really likes written things. Like what? Because I believe that... Oh, I was sending you this text message. It's very expensive from where I am. So it shows you how much I like it.
Starting point is 00:55:05 My girlfriend really likes written things. Like what? Because I believe that. Like, if I'm thinking... Like, these are your dishes. Something like that. Yeah. It ain't gonna suck itself.
Starting point is 00:55:18 Love, Peter. There's still love there. Love, Peter. Little supposed to notes everywhere. He just finds them. No, I mean... there's still love there love Peter little post-it notes everywhere he just finds them no I mean
Starting point is 00:55:29 no I obviously don't mean that well like we're in Kelowna she's like okay well send me a post like send me something send me a letter
Starting point is 00:55:36 okay and I was like well when I'm thinking of you which is often can I just text you doesn't that mean the same it doesn't I've learned
Starting point is 00:55:43 hmm and what is that like if you get something written down does it just touch you uh no that mean the same it doesn't i've learned hmm and what is that like if you get something written down is it just touch you uh no weird like i have got people have sent me letters before and they're fine but uh but you know it's great email and emails this is good they put so much effort into this letter they pack it into an envelope send it to you you go this is this is fine i feel like this is just fine oh when what day is recycling this is now a chore yeah you've mailed me a chore sending a letter is it's not like vinyl it's not like it's not like better
Starting point is 00:56:20 quality well i don't know maybe it's if they have like fancy paper and they spray their perfume on it. Or the personality of your writing. But I just, mine's just big block letters. Well, it's because you're insane and you're always yelling. Just with big felt pen.
Starting point is 00:56:39 Big smelly wacker. I love you, damn it. But that's the thing. It's a piece of drywall. It doesn, damn it. But that's the thing. It's not a piece of drywall. It doesn't mail it. I actually just put a love note. Those are your dishes. I put a love note in my wallet.
Starting point is 00:56:56 And then when I put my wallet in the mailbox. It gets back to you. I send you a note that says, please send me money. I don't have my wallet. I lost my wallet. But I've never sent somebody a letter and then like, yeah, like that was the thing. You put perfume on it, put like a scent on it. That's what it is.
Starting point is 00:57:18 Maybe women more than men. Yeah. I was thinking like you wrote a letter in a subway. Would they open the letter and be like, oh yeah. Oh boy. They'd be like, oh, this one.
Starting point is 00:57:29 This is a real chore for the person writing it too. Oh, and he wrote it on that subway paper that they wrap up the sub in. Oh, I've just learned the thing I'm going to do now.
Starting point is 00:57:38 That's, that would be a lot of fun. All letters I write are going to be just on funny mediums. Yeah, there you go. Wendy's napkin.
Starting point is 00:57:44 Yeah. Oh, do you go to Wendy's? Do you like Wendy's? Wendy's follows me on Twitter. That's like a Yo Mama's So Fat joke. Yeah. Wendy's follows her on Twitter. I love Wendy's so much. Oh, guys, do you want to move on to some overheards?
Starting point is 00:58:04 I'm dying to. Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi, Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away, and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors.
Starting point is 00:58:21 Ew. Or our show. That's pretty tough, because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis, where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society.
Starting point is 00:58:36 We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy, weird fringe thing, except for thousands more which we will get to if you listen to our show i'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors bones well and i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum fun and the show's called i know ross and carrie hi everybody i'm jerry seinfeld i'm jeff probes and I'm Jeff Probst. And I'm Barry Seinfeld.
Starting point is 00:59:05 For years, we've been masquerading as the McElroy Brothers and hosting an advice show for the modern era called My Brother, My Brother and Me. You can catch it every Monday on MaximumFun.org and help us keep up the ruse. I really appreciate the McElroy Brothers for giving me the chance. My name's Barry Seinfeld, and my personal brand is not expanding in the ways that I thought that it might when the show got real big join us won't you i know you might be confused no i'm not related to jerry seinfeld i work down at the kroger's i cut meat but he's the only one of us who does that edit the podcast so what the hell are you gonna do cut meat and i cut voices come listen won't you my brother my brother me starring me, Barry Seinfeld. Overheard.
Starting point is 00:59:52 Overheard. The first one of 2016. You're welcome. Now, Overheard is where we hear the things out there in the world, and then we report them back here on the old podcast. We always like to start with the guest. Oh, lucky me. So, Peter, if you would. Okay, this is a bit of a callback to earlier what we were talking about with the school tours.
Starting point is 01:00:12 Okay. So we're doing the school tour. It's one of the last ones. And we've, like I said, we had a better run of it towards the end. Because we figured out how to get the crowd, like the crowd, the kids on our side. But, like I also said, it's physical comedy, so we're being a bit silly. Yeah. There's a scene where Chris and I are arguing over who's going to sleep in this bed.
Starting point is 01:00:32 Because we ended up going to a motel room, it only has one bed. Okay, well, we're going to have to share the bed. Right. This sounds, like describing it sounds like really hack comedy right now. No, it sounds like Trains, Planes, and Auto Movies. Yeah. Those aren't solos oh you know what
Starting point is 01:00:45 that's awesome because that is kind of what we're going for it's a bit more of like a two bros just trying to
Starting point is 01:00:51 figure it out so we end up spooning in the bed and that's kind of the it's well it leads up to some jokes
Starting point is 01:00:58 that we like spooning leads to 4k and the adults don't particularly find that moment crazy but man could the kids not handle lose their mind two guys getting that close together which says something because like i thought it was 2015 but it's in colonna so you're in at best 1992 okay so we're in 1992
Starting point is 01:01:23 colonna yeah uh and we're lying in this Kelowna. Yeah. And we're lying in this bed prop that's like these blocks together. They're still watching in living color. They're still watching in living color.
Starting point is 01:01:32 Yeah, Eddie Izzard, they're watching Eddie Izzard, Eddie Murphy, Raw, you know, like that kind of comedy. So they're, yeah, they're primed.
Starting point is 01:01:40 They can't handle it. No, they're losing their minds. They're losing their minds. Yeah. And generally it goes okay because they settle down and it is, by that point, they're kind of minds. They're freaking out. They're losing their minds. Yeah. And generally it goes okay because they settle down and it is,
Starting point is 01:01:47 by that point, they're kind of on board anyway. So they're like, this is crazy. Yeah. They're lying in the bed together. Last show, probably,
Starting point is 01:01:54 I think it was the last, it was at least the last day, one of the last shows on the last day. I get into the bed. Chris goes and he spoons behind me and then clears a bell
Starting point is 01:02:04 from the audience from the bleachers. I hear this kid go, that's gay! And again, like, that sucks because it's 2015. You kind of thought, like, that was our school terrible thing.
Starting point is 01:02:19 You guys got to come up with another thing to say that's terrible pejorative. But that, the way that you said it, it is like the light was going on. Exactly. Gay. I've heard it. Yeah. Yes.
Starting point is 01:02:29 And that's, that's what it was. And we had talked about it for a long time afterwards about like, what was going on in this kid's head? Yeah. Maybe he had just come out of health classes and they were talking about what game and he's like, that's what it is.
Starting point is 01:02:42 Yeah. Or if he's just had it in his head he's like i'm really interested in a thing but i don't i don't know what it's called what did the rest of the kids do they hear him it was uh that thing that happens when they were still because they were like we had won most of them right so they didn't want to just lose it at a heckle but there was a a pocket around him. It was like an explosion, and then it just spread out of like a shockwave of laughters from the center point. Oh, man. So you hear like, that's gay.
Starting point is 01:03:12 And then just like a couple of laughs, and then fewer laughs and fewer laughs. And I just, we moved on. We moved past it. Because I was like, do we stop the show sort of en bouffant here? Like, do we attack the crowd on this point? That could get pretty heavy. Yeah. And we just kept going because we had. Sometimes Graham and I will bouffant., like do we attack the crowd on this point? That could get pretty heavy. Yeah. And we just kept going because we had.
Starting point is 01:03:27 Sometimes Graham and I will bouffant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We bouffant sometimes. Yeah, absolutely. It just depends on how the crowd is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're just tuning into the podcast, I'm being made fun of. You're being bouffant.
Starting point is 01:03:38 Yeah, we're bouffanting you. Yeah. The bouffant has become the bouffant. I am probably using it a little incorrectly, aren't I? I don't know. It's a style. It's a tack the audience. I should have just said that.
Starting point is 01:03:50 Yeah. Bouffant. Dave, do you have an overheard? Do you guys remember when I didn't have a get to know us? Yeah. We talked about trampolines. Here's the best I can do okay sock it to us well it'll it'll you know what you know if it doesn't work we'll it'll be fine what if you really build up the before like make it a big thing okay i'll try
Starting point is 01:04:17 yeah so i was driving here we go downtown yeah well I was on my way downtown From Downtown Where all the lights are Was that Macklemore It was Macklemore Oh I did And his friend
Starting point is 01:04:32 I did a different song You sang downtown The traditional Yeah Um And I saw a Cadillac Escalade With the license plate
Starting point is 01:04:41 That's a skater Uh huh of course A skater Yeah that's all I thought I could Instead of building it up I'll just I kind of like Escalade with the license plate. Is that skater? Uh-huh, of course. Skater? Yeah, that's all. I thought I'd get it. Instead of building it up, I'll just quickly tell everything. I was still settling in.
Starting point is 01:04:52 I know. For the build-up. There was nothing. There's no payoff. I was going through my phone like, do I have anything? No. Any pictures I took? Oh, boy, this wasn't even good enough to post.
Starting point is 01:05:07 And Escalade's like a big, like their big Hummer-esque vehicle. Because as soon as you say Cadillac, I picture like a big old man car. Right. And if that's its skater on the back, then we'd really have something. We'd be cooking with that. A Cadillac Escalade is what, in this city, what a drug dealer drives. Sure. Are these windows bulletproof? Yes is what, in this city, what a drug dealer drives. Sure. Are these windows bulletproof? Yes.
Starting point is 01:05:29 Oh, well, then those windows are getting loaded. Let's just let him choke Brent Spiner to death. But there is, yeah, Cadillacs used to be what old people would drive. Yeah. Now, I believe I heard that they've moved a little younger, and old people are like old rich people, instead of buying a Cadillac, we'll buy a Lexus. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 01:05:47 What about old middle-class? Honda Accord? Is that still the car? Yeah. That's one of the more popular cars on the planet. Oh yeah. It's not really an old person car then if it's that popular still. To me, the classic old person car when I was growing up, I think, was a Cutlass Supreme.
Starting point is 01:06:05 Oh, man. They don't make those. They don't even make old mobiles anymore. No, that's right. Yeah. But I had a couple of friends who inherited their grandfathers. So that was like the unofficial car of my high school. That's not the Cutlass Supreme.
Starting point is 01:06:19 That's not the early cop car, is it? The Cutlass Supreme? No. No, it was like. What is the early cop cars? I don't know. It was the type of car that also a drug dealer could use or somebody who murders people and puts them in the trunk. Lots of trunk space, is what you say.
Starting point is 01:06:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very popular with your good fellas. Yeah, yeah. A lot of... But maybe is it something you could have lowered and bouncing? Oh, sure. Yeah. They were very rectangular. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They were like if you were drawing a car bouncing? Oh, sure. Yeah, they were very rectangular.
Starting point is 01:06:45 Mm-hmm. They were like if you were drawing a car and you had four seconds and you were playing Pensionary. That's how they designed it. It was the due date
Starting point is 01:06:53 and the designer was in the meeting already. Yeah. He was like, um, this? I'll do it live. What's it called? A sword.
Starting point is 01:07:02 A pirate sword. Cutlass Nachos Supreme. He was just looking around the room, and there was a guy. There was a pirate there. And then there was a guy eating a huge plate of nachos. Yeah, there was a pirate, and he was eating nachos. I saw a commercial Abby and I watched, Jeopardy. And it's on the Vancouver Island station.
Starting point is 01:07:24 Sure. Check. and it's on the Vancouver Island station check and every one of the commercials on that channel is a local commercial and they're all made by the station yeah and because they're an independent television station so they're the greatest things yeah it'll be just like promos for Bones
Starting point is 01:07:39 and like this you know some it's a lot of car dealerships a lot of car dealerships. Yeah. A lot of this place where you can have your hearing checked. There's like a concussion recovery company. They just, you know, open up the phone book and say, hey, want an ad?
Starting point is 01:07:59 Is the disparity in quality quite fun? Like the promo for Bones is highly produced. Yeah. Well, except for it has an annoying voiceover. Oh, okay. Because they can't combine. They can't have Bones brought to you by the hearing checking place. No.
Starting point is 01:08:15 Although that would be smart branding. Yes. But they have an ad for a Cadillac dealership. And it's a woman talking about how like in in you know in 18 years i've owned uh 11 cadillacs but that's not a good ad you're not selling at all they don't even last two years i just keep buying cadillacs don't ask why i've had so many cadillacs just come down and get one uh bones could be brought to you by an osteoporosis yeah of course you know yeah thing thing whatever they do or just milk which is also another weird ad just like have you seen those like the milk board or whatever where it's just like just drink milk we don't
Starting point is 01:08:55 care what brand yeah yeah yeah that's a weird there's a lot there's eggs eggs do it oh yeah that's right beef we talked about this A few weeks ago Yeah Potatoes Cotton Cotton Lithium Lithium batteries Yeah from the lithium board Yeah batteries Use them Try them
Starting point is 01:09:13 In your electronics Yeah Electronics not working Have you Checked the batteries Maybe the batteries Weren't included From the battery board
Starting point is 01:09:21 After they are not Wasn't batteries Not included Was it Was the first movie Written by Somebody Somebody from the Energizer. After they are not. Wasn't Batteries Not Included, was it the first movie written by somebody? Somebody from the Energizer company or something like that? It's got some sort of connection to it. Which was Batteries Not Included?
Starting point is 01:09:33 It's a bunch of little robots. But it's not Number 5 is Alive? No. That's Short Circuit. Short Circuit, yeah. But I think it was like, I don't know. I don't know what the fact is, but there's some sort of neat fact behind it.
Starting point is 01:09:43 Okay, cool. My Overheard comes courtesy of my bus ride yesterday. I was sitting in front of and behind and next to, it was all teenagers who had just gotten off of school. They're all amped up. Maybe it was their last day before Christmas break. I don't know. I don't know how it works in the school system. I know. It's weird how the moment you graduate, it's like break i don't know i don't know how it works in the school system but uh i know it's weird how the moment you graduate it's like you don't know the schedule
Starting point is 01:10:09 anymore but also just like it's so strange to be out at the same time the kids are out oh yeah so weird and i was on i was on the bus and like so many kids had like uh treats you know like christmas so like today was either the bake sale or like everybody brings the thing. Oh, I'm so jealous. Yes. Everybody was like crazy. You know, they're all hyped up on sugar. Short breads.
Starting point is 01:10:33 Yeah. Short breads, long breads. Gingerbread. Gingerbread. Flat and round breads. Just all different breads. Yeah. And these two girls were talking about something that they were working on,
Starting point is 01:10:47 maybe a dance number. And one of them said, you know how like you're always in the mood to listen to the Lion King? Well, today wasn't one of those days. And also, kids are still listening to The Lion King? That's awesome.
Starting point is 01:11:08 I've always wondered that if they stopped listening to it. They listen to the Broadway one. And that, my friend, is the circle of life. Yeah, but it feels, I don't know, it feels good.
Starting point is 01:11:18 A wimbo, a wimbo, and this isn't from The Lion King. It's not in the movie. The movie you're watching, the lion is a king. Later on, though, for now, he's just a kid who wants to be king.
Starting point is 01:11:40 Hup, hup, a-wee! That's also not even the plot. No, he wants to be king at the beginning. I thought when you said kid, I was picturing a human kid. No, no, a lion kid. Lion kid. Like a goat. You know, goats.
Starting point is 01:11:57 So wait, when she says this, though, it kind of sounded to me like she, it was more to the story like, and today was not one of those days, but there I was being forced to listen to the Lion King. She made it sound like it happened to her. I think they were, I feel I got the vibe they were drama, drama geeks. Oh, yeah. And they. He would know how to pick out some drama geeks while he was bouffoning.
Starting point is 01:12:20 Oh, yeah, absolutely. It gets me again. Were you a drama geek when you were a youngster? It was weird. I was always a little bit of a class clown in that I was not paying attention very well. Yeah. But not that people found me awesome or funny. That's what they used to call people who had attention problems.
Starting point is 01:12:37 Oh. No, they were just like, he's a clown. He's a class clown. Don't worry about him. He's just a clown. He's just a bit of a clown. Absolutely. I would have been on so many drugs to regulate my crazy personality.
Starting point is 01:12:50 But when I was in drama class, I did do drama, but I was always a tech. I was always in the sound booth. Oh, yeah. And in grade 12. Black jeans. Black shirt. Yeah, exactly. Every girl's crazy about an AV tech.
Starting point is 01:13:06 That song hadn't come out yet. I didn't have my identity. AV top. I was the only one that could do a British accent in my school, because my mother is from England. Oh, and what was the play that needed a... You don't look like the son of an English woman. She's very pale white pale skin and the red yeah what was the play uh we were doing these things called uh lunchbox theater just sort of like small snippets of theater at lunchtime kids would
Starting point is 01:13:40 pay a quarter and go see and it was actually people were going because there was a couple of the popular kids in the drama class. And so they, one of them had picked to direct a script from Alan Partridge. Oh, yeah. Fun.
Starting point is 01:13:52 Yeah, it was really fun. It was like an 11 minute just sort of comedy of errors bit from who's writing, and I got to say, cock piss Partridge on stage. Cock, like, whoa.
Starting point is 01:14:03 That's intense. That's how you get everybody to shut up at an assembly. Exactly. Cock. Cock. Like, whoa. That's intense. That's how you get everybody to shut up at an assembly. Cock. Cock. So I, you know, Alan Partridge
Starting point is 01:14:11 is trying to figure out who is like in this small town that he runs his radio station who has written this, scrawled it onto the side of his car
Starting point is 01:14:19 and then later on you find out it was the whatever character. Right. And that was the first time I did anything funny and really one of the first times I'd been up in front of people on stage.
Starting point is 01:14:27 And that started it all. Because I made one of the popular kids really laugh. Oh. That was it for me. I was in. Yeah. Wow. Popular kids carry so much weight.
Starting point is 01:14:38 It's true. They do. Is he laughing? Is the king laughing? The king laughed. We must laugh now, too. What is, like, does it work that way in society? Like, do people only, like, if Kim Kardashian thinks something's funny?
Starting point is 01:14:53 Did Kim like it? I think so. If you were at a party and Kim Kardashian was there, you'd want to know, like, what is she enjoying? If she, like, tweeted, this is hilarious. Would everyone be like, you're right, Kim this is funny yeah but yeah it gets i think it gets uh diluted with all the people that would then troll her kanye's new album is hilarious it's funny not on purpose that is the key to a good kim kard like she's kind of falling asleep we call it vocal fry vocal fry? when you do that
Starting point is 01:15:28 when you're so low in your register well it's like that guy that's a comedian that's Justin Bieber's favorite comedian who's that? Chris D'Elia oh boy but like that he said this is my favorite. And then his.
Starting point is 01:15:46 Chris D'Elia's career was made. Yeah. So, you know. And Justin Bieber's not a comedy expert. I mean, he's hilarious, and we all think he's really funny and cool. Okay, good. I'm glad Chris D'Elia's doing well, so I don't have to root for him anymore. You're really pulling.
Starting point is 01:15:59 Yeah, move on to somebody else. Really pulling for D'Elia. Now, we also have overheards sent into us by listeners. If you want to send one into us, you can send it into spy at maximumfund.org.
Starting point is 01:16:10 This first one comes from Marcus from Victoria, B.C. Hi. Hi. Hi. Marcus. That's how we say it.
Starting point is 01:16:23 Hi. Marcus. He is totally have you guys seen that movie the grudge uh no i haven't seen it oh it's good okay uh while walking down the street a lady
Starting point is 01:16:35 in front of me with two kids walked past a panhandler and he looks at one of the kids and says hey i know what you did you know what you did happy You know what you did. Happy Father's Day. Ta-da! What?
Starting point is 01:16:50 It's a panhandler set. Yeah. That wasn't the kid's voice? No. I was doing the panhandler. I was the only one in my school who could do a panhandler voice. Happy Father's Day to a kid. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:01 I know what you did. And I love just like i that i think is my favorite adult kid thing like when a kid's kind of speak like they're speaking and stuff and you go up to them and you ask them like what are you in college now you know stuff like that yeah kills me the kid's like no what are you married now you You're probably married. No. They just have to correct you? Yeah. I know what you did.
Starting point is 01:17:29 Uncle Graham's being crazy right now. It is fun. It is fun. To be crazy around kids. He keeps asking me about my 401k. I'm eight. When are you retiring? I can never retire because of what my grandparents' generation did.
Starting point is 01:17:43 And then you're like, all right, kid, okay. Okay. I was just trying to have some fun. If there's still a planet to retire on. All right, all right. You don't have to get all political at this family barbecue. This next one comes from Molly B. in Queens. Molly Bringwald.
Starting point is 01:18:01 Bring your own. B-A-O Bringwald. We're dumb On the subway In New York City A group of kids Were all sharing A big bag Of colorful gumballs
Starting point is 01:18:12 Delicious New York style New York style Bag of gumballs Get them here Only in New York Oh Thin crust gumballs
Starting point is 01:18:22 You want these in a bag? Nah just crust gumballs. You want these in a bag? Nah, just put them on a plate. You want them to go? Yeah, my boys are waiting for me
Starting point is 01:18:33 on the train. Give me a bag of gumballs. Your bag of gumballs? Yeah, get out of here, your bag of gumballs. It's a paper bag.
Starting point is 01:18:41 Go back to Jersey. It still has that grease stain on the bottom. Oh, it's in a paper bag. Is that Rainbow Arby's still has that grease stain on the bottom. Oh, it's in a paper bag. Is that Rainbow Arby's stain? Yeah, Rainbow Arby's stain.
Starting point is 01:18:49 They were all grabbing at it and the mom said, Hey, make sure you save one for Erica. And when she looked away, the little girl sitting next to me started tasting one of the gumballs, spit it out, and said to herself, Ugh, that one's disgusting. I'll definitely save that one for her. Put it in my pocket. I'll let it that one for her. Put it in my pocket.
Starting point is 01:19:06 Let it get covered in lint. That girl is savage. Yeah. Look what I saved for you. It's a major shade. Throw it. It's a tough town. Tough town, New York City.
Starting point is 01:19:16 Bag of gumballs. I'm told it never sleeps. But it always chews. Yeah. Can't sleep with all this sugar intake. Can't sleep. You'll end up with gum in your hair. And this last one comes from Hunter G.
Starting point is 01:19:31 This is in Halifax. This is on Canada Day in Halifax. So Graham is, I guess. In July. Five months behind? Six months? Six months behind. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:19:43 A man runs past a bus station crossing the road. Moments later, a woman chases after him, shouting, you said you'd
Starting point is 01:19:51 never run away from me again. Again. And he lied. Oh, that's great. Yeah. You know, I want to know
Starting point is 01:20:01 about his run. Just a purposeful. No, probably like a real Tom Cruise run. Just a purposeful. No, probably like a real. A Tom Cruise run. Just like, just huffing it. Do you think, yeah, does Tom Cruise run in all his movies? I know Will Smith always ran in every film.
Starting point is 01:20:16 I mean, it's the thing they make fun of him for is that like the straight up and down hands. Oh, yeah. When he's running in Interview with a Vampire. Oh, yeah. When he's running in Interview with a Vampire. In addition to overhears that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.
Starting point is 01:20:32 So if any of you bags of gumballs want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8228. Will you want to get in a fight about it? Got another bag.
Starting point is 01:20:45 All right, here's a phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. I am calling from, this is Dustin, calling from Carmel, California. And I was just driving down the road and saw a taxi. And it's Associated Taxi. And on the back, prominently displayed, it gives their number. And it's 833-ASK-TAXI. 833-ASK-TAXI.
Starting point is 01:21:11 Yeah, for Associated Taxi. Back that shit up. Ask Taxi. That's another one of those examples of, like, didn't anybody bring it up at some point. I think a taxi is a pretty low overhead operation. Well, it may not low overhead, but certainly
Starting point is 01:21:27 low executive. Oh, yeah. There's not too many. Either that or they knew exactly what they were doing. Yeah, yeah. They're like,
Starting point is 01:21:34 ass taxi. Yeah, we're going to be the number one taxi place in town. What do you want? Order an ass taxi or do you want
Starting point is 01:21:41 to order an ass Uber? See? Taxi sounds better. Meeting adjourned. Taxis will win. But what about ass lift? So good. Here's your next phone call.
Starting point is 01:21:56 Hello, Dave Graham and 910th probable guest. This is Spencer from Oakland. I am calling with an overseen. I was just driving behind a Subaru station wagon. Woo! It had two bumper stickers. The one on the left of the license plate said,
Starting point is 01:22:12 Born to dance. And the one on the right of the license plate said, Gotta dance. Well, you were born to, so you gotta. You gotta and you gotta. Yeah, you gotta and you gotta. Wow. Just real clear, though. Look, I'm into one, so you ought to. You got it and you got it. Yeah, you got it. Wow. Just real clear, though.
Starting point is 01:22:27 Look, I'm into one thing. Ass taxis. But if I'm into two things, it's dancing. Yeah. I want a real political sticker for a bumper sticker, but I do love to dance. I saw one the other day, just a car covered in in bumper stickers and they had like you know that one that says coexist yeah with like all the religious symbols yeah this was one that said uh tolerance with all the religious symbols in a different way great oh do you know
Starting point is 01:23:00 but like you could just spell whatever that's's what I was just thinking. Like, you could market a whole line of things that just says like, tiger. Yeah. I love to dance. Pizza. All the religions. Or just like, sorry, we're never going to get along. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:23:19 Oh, exclusion. Exclusion with all the religious symbols. Pretty good. Here's your final overheard of 2016 hi Dave and Graham and possible guest hopefully Charlie no that doesn't feel good
Starting point is 01:23:36 I'm calling in with an overheard this morning my boys are playing a game where they try to make each other crack so one of them has to stay really serious, and the other one shows them funny things or does funny things. And I heard my younger son say to my older son, okay, this time it's okay to smile and it's okay to laugh, but no grinning.
Starting point is 01:23:59 I'm not sure they know what grinning means. Did you ever used to watch that show Make Me Laugh? Where they just bring on the serious person and then three comedians? With Mark Cohen? Yes.
Starting point is 01:24:11 And Marty Putz would come out with his props and his leather vinyl pants and hockey jersey? No, I never saw it. I never once saw it. Yeah, that sounds
Starting point is 01:24:24 like they were doing the home version. Yeah. It's a fun game. It is a fun game. It's like a staring contest. Yeah, kind of. I don't know why Make Me Laugh is not just a show that's perpetually on, though. Oh, because it was horrible.
Starting point is 01:24:37 Oh, was it? Yeah. Yeah, I don't really remember. I just remember watching the comedians and being like, they'd have to come out and be like, you know when you're on the subway? Yeah, to a human who is forcibly like, there's money on the line. Yeah, and they're like, this guy's a prison guard. And they're coming out, but they have to launch it to,
Starting point is 01:24:55 so my mom's weird. She just leaves weird answering messages. How did you do your bits so fast? Would you be on it? Of course. Oh, in a second. Yeah. I feel like the spirit of that show is still alive in Japan,
Starting point is 01:25:11 where they do things like Silent Library, like that show. I love Silent Library. You know what I mean? Where it's like, you can't do a thing, but we're going to try to make you do that thing. The show. Yeah, that's true. That's where Marty Putz is right now in Japan.
Starting point is 01:25:24 He's the most famous man in Japan. He's throwing darts at people's butts. That's where Marty Putz is right now in Japan. He's the most famous man in Japan. He's throwing darts at people's butts in the library. Marty Putz. He's dressed as a raptor running down a hallway. I was saying last night because I was talking to a past guest, Ivan Deckard. He did a corporate gig that was horrible. He could not buy a laugh the whole time? Which happens at corporate gigs.
Starting point is 01:25:48 Almost like 95% of the time. Oh, boy. And I was like, I should just develop a whole ventriloquist act in secret. And then when I show up to a corporate gig, I just look around and I'm like, yep, this is a ventriloquist crowd. And just do that at corporates.
Starting point is 01:26:03 Because if you know they're going to be shitty anyway. Yeah, you're like, just go up there and do some ventriloquist crowd. Just do that at corporates. Because if you know they're going to be shitty anyway, you're like, yeah, just go up there and do some ventriloquism. But the guy who hired you is going to be like, uh, this is not what I'm paying for. Yeah, and he'll be like, no, you're getting two for the price of one. And he'll be like, girl, shut up. Or do
Starting point is 01:26:19 your material, but just through the ventriloquism. So, uh, yeah. The boss is weird. Yeah. Tell me about it. And then I just sit there. Well, he does.
Starting point is 01:26:31 I am always so impressed that they can't, that they don't move their lips and they just have that natural smile. No grinning. And also, uh, if you just listen to a ventriloquist, like if you don't watch it, you can't understand most of what they're saying. Because they're trying to not move their lips with the B's and P's.
Starting point is 01:26:51 And you're, so you're, by watching it is how you fill in the gap. Yeah, you kind of like. But if you're just listening. You're like, what the fuck is he saying? Oh boy. Oh, on a stick. And there's a rule that they always have to be like the puppets. Puppets?
Starting point is 01:27:04 The dummies. Always have to be just terrible people. I think you're. Which the puppets. Puppets? The dummies. Always have to be just terrible people. I think you're... Which one's offensive? Puppies? Puppies? Puppies are duds. Which one's the offensive term?
Starting point is 01:27:15 Boy, this is a good crowd. I'm closing my eyes. A good... You're not saying things. In fact, you weren't saying words, and you were only moving your lips. You were not moving your lips at all. I would like to. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:27:33 I'm going to close my eyes and see if you can make sense. Okay. Hi, everybody. You're being weird. You're being stupid, bro. Well, I don't know how you do the Bs. you're being weird you're being stupid how well but I don't know how you do the
Starting point is 01:27:46 the B's cause you're yeah if you say B you're supposed to do like a T sound or something oh yeah with like your tongue on your
Starting point is 01:27:54 your teeth yeah you're like this is I'm saying beep beep beep this is a great this is a great
Starting point is 01:28:03 party did it almost work yeah this is a great this is a great party this is a great This is a great tardy Did it almost work? Yeah This is a great This is a great tardy This is a great This is a really great tardy You're throwing
Starting point is 01:28:10 I don't know Yeah I think that's how you do it Hey alright Anyways I hope everyone had A really good Newsy tardy
Starting point is 01:28:17 And I just want to Thank everyone For their Continued thort Yeah And then When you count down At midnight Then you kiss your dummy Your puppy I just want to thank everyone for their continued thort yeah and then when you count down
Starting point is 01:28:26 at midnight then you kiss your dummy your puppy yeah I'm sorry uh well that's the end of this year's first
Starting point is 01:28:34 first episode of 2016 were you trying to say it at the same time or we were doing we were going one word at a time
Starting point is 01:28:43 oh okay we were okay doing that thank you Peter our love to say it at the same time? No, we were doing, we were going one word at a time. Oh, okay. We were. Okay. Thank you, Peter, for the help that you've done. You can't just start saying more words. We'll just turn Peter. I'm playing you out.
Starting point is 01:28:58 Do you have anything coming up in January you would like to plug? Oh, I get to plug stuff. January 14, 15, 16. Not me, but tons and tons of sketch comedians
Starting point is 01:29:09 are coming into town. Oh, right. To Vancouver. In Vancouver. For the Vancouver Sketch Comedy Festival. So make sure you come check it out
Starting point is 01:29:16 because I'm bringing back some sweet, funny people. And is it Vancouver Sketch Fest or where can people go online to? Yes, VancouverSketchFest.com
Starting point is 01:29:26 And if there's One show to see What is it? Mine Um Hmm Hmm One show to see
Starting point is 01:29:32 One show to see There is a Comedian Coming up Vanessa Gonzalez From Texas I watched her stuff I think she's gonna be
Starting point is 01:29:41 Pretty funny That one's on The last day Check that one out Okay And my buddies They've been at the fest Every year From Edmonton her stuff. I think she's going to be pretty funny. That one's on the last day. Check that one out. Okay. And my buddies, they've been at the fest every year from Edmonton. Gossamer Obsessions are always super funny.
Starting point is 01:29:52 That's a great name. Paul Blinov and Amy Shostak. And their show is just awesome. So, yeah, come see that. Check those out. I think they open it. They're like first up. I can't remember. Go to the website.
Starting point is 01:30:03 Google it. Yeah, Google it, you guys. And where are you on Twitter if people want to follow you oh yeah follow me uh at peter carlone perfect and watch me tweet at wendy's yeah yeah yeah and probably they'll tweet you back they do yeah they fall i don't know if you know they follow me oh no they are they at square hamburgers or they they have Wendy's? My Wendy's No one asked me
Starting point is 01:30:26 But the thing I get Is the Oh yeah I should have asked That ranch chicken With bacon And Asiago Yep
Starting point is 01:30:34 Burger Yep That's a lot of great tastes Yeah So So yeah If you head over Do you have anything to promote my friend?
Starting point is 01:30:44 No no no Everyone have a happy 2016 Yeah yeah If you head over Do you have anything To promote my friend? No no no Everyone have a happy 2016 Yeah absolutely If you Would like to Head over to
Starting point is 01:30:51 Maximumfun.org You can see pictures And videos of Some of the things We talked about On today's show Yeah Wendy's
Starting point is 01:30:58 Wendy's Just a broken leg In a trampoline Well maybe not I might not Google that Oh yeah I bet you There's some pretty Gnarly photos Oh yeah Yeah let's not Just a broken leg in a trampoline. Well, maybe not. I might not Google that. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:31:08 I bet you there's some pretty gnarly photos out there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's not. Yeah. What else did we talk about? We talked about Tom Cruise. No, that was off air. Tom Cruise running.
Starting point is 01:31:18 We talked about that. Reboots. Reboots. Yeah, sure. The new Independence Day. There's a reboot reboot coming out, so maybe they'll set it. Maybe there'll be a photo. The animated, computer animated.
Starting point is 01:31:27 Yeah, we're really through the looking glass. Yeah, totally. And if you like the show, you can leave a review on iTunes,
Starting point is 01:31:36 or you can tell your friends, or you can do both. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

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