Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 408 - Tom Hill

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

Comedian Tom Hill joins us to talk wigs, passport problems, and front row at the movies.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 408 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's rode through the desert on a horse with no name, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it turns out it had a name. Yeah, what was it?

Horace. Horace the horse. Which was, I don't think it was that creative. No, but maybe that's why you didn't remember the name Yeah, I was just like, it's just a horse Well, the guy who introduced me to the horse had like an accent So I was, I should have looked at its tags and its collar Horse collar?

Yeah, it has a big if If found If lost or found And our guest today, first time guest on the podcast. Here it is. A travesty. A travesty. That's taken this long.

But you know what? We're righting wrongs. This is what we're doing the 12 steps this year. Yeah. We'll do, what are the 12 steps? A bunch of them are about God. Confucius. Wait, do 400 episodes is step one.

And then, yes, and then. And then the healing can begin. He is a producer. He is a comedian. Writer, I could say. You could say that. Why not? Mr. Tom Hill is our guest.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Thanks for joining us. God, it's my distinct pleasure. No, the pleasure is all ours. You know, I think we don't have to own pleasure. Not in 2016.

That's true. There's a lot of cultures that believe that you can't own pleasure, that it just passes through your penis. Yeah, through your penis. And only your penis. Sorry, ladies. Yeah, well well it's a gendered thing pleasure's gendered yeah that's true i never thought about it that way yeah because um you know if because women can't have orgasms from what i understand from the movies i've seen

from the experiences i've had it's not. Every woman I've been with has assured me it's just something that women don't do. I'm like, well, okay. I mean, you guys get the pleasure of childbirth,

so that's what you get out of it. That's true. And it does release a lot of oxytocin, the love hormone. Do we have anything in our body

that releases oxytocin? Is there, do we get any of that? I don't know if we get a bit body that releases oxytocin? Do we get any of that? I don't know if we get a bit of it. Oxytocin? Yeah. Question, guys, what's oxytocin? It's the love hormone. Is it?

Yeah. It's the one that makes childbirth possible, right? Also, relaxing. There's one thing that makes childbirth. Relaxing is another one. If it's a love hormone, can both, because men can experience love, right? No, no, no.

See, this is, men can experience pleasure. Right. Women experience love. Okay. So, but I know that women, the one thing that they

produce that men, That's why dads never tell their children they love them. Yeah, they just say, I find you pleasurable. Oh boy, should we get to know us yeah okay yeah get to know us tom hill so okay oxytocin i'm an oxytocin salesman um they can give it to you artificially uh to sort of help induce labor, I think. I don't remember.

I took one weekend of prenatals. Also, relaxin is what makes it possible. Relaxin? Yeah, that's for real. No, Graham. Yes, for real. Graham. It's like unobtainium of the body.

Is it? In West Philadelphia, I know a guy who can sell you Maxin and Relaxin. Okay, so Relaxin, it relaxes you? No, it's the thing that makes... No, of course not. That's the one thing it does not do. It's the thing that makes it possible

to pass a child through school. Yeah, through a body. That's why men don't have it. Men don't have relaxin', and that's why we're always jealous of them. Do we have as many ribs as women, or is that a myth?

No, we don't have any ribs. Oh, wow. Yeah. Like, if you go to eat ribs at Tony Roma's, famous for them, that's a female pig. Oh, okay. And that's why when you eat ribs at tony romas famous for them uh that's a female pig oh okay and that's why when you eat ribs you you feel like oh i want i want these yeah yeah yeah yeah your body has like a an unconscious desire and that's why my lungs are just dangling out here just uh through my shirt

i just want to point out itham it's like some people when they're going to talk about gender they'll they'll tiptoe quietly you know they're gonna they're gonna put on some light shoes not me getting a big like steel ball and just pushing it into a tinder forest just that's your approach to the issue just like yeah hey whatever you know what people come to me for answers, and I got them. Tons of them. Well, I got some questions for you. Go on.

Relaxing feels like it's the moment when you are the least relaxed in any person's entire life. But that's when you need relaxing. Except if you're a doctor or a nurse, because then that's pretty humdrum for them. That's true. That's just another day at the office. Yeah. You mean pushing papers around a desk. Yeah, I wish my doctor would get off his phone every time I'm giving birth.

What? Oh, boy. So, relaxin must be the strongest drug or, like, the strongest hormone we have. I've never heard of it. And I have a baby. I wonder if it exists. It exists. I have real questions about its existence.

How do you spell it? Relax-I-N? Yeah. Even the way you spell it is relax. Just relax. Is there an apostrophe in it? The only reason I remember it is because it's such a crazy name. And in that apostrophe, is there a picture of your face winking at the reader?

Yeah. With a boogie board under winking at the reader? Yeah. With a boogie board under my arm. Boogity board. Tom Hill. Hi. Hi. How are you? Welcome.

Tell us what's going on with Tom Hill. Oh, it's an interesting time. The sweet lady in my life, who I love very much, just moved to the city I lived in. Live in currently. You? And have always lived in. She moved into the city just as you were moving out. I need one city between us.

Now, is this a mail-order bride, 90-day fiancé situation? Yes. Oh, cool. That's cool. You went right to that. I had not told anyone. Congrats. Exactly right.

Now, she's a super amazing, talented woman. Used to run a rapid-fire theater. Just moved here. Amy Sh not told anyone. Congrats. Exactly right. No, she's a super amazing, talented woman. Used to run Rapid Fire Theater. Just moved here. Amy Shostak is her name. Oh, we know Amy Shostak. Shout out to Amy Shostak.

You knew that, didn't you? Graham? Did you not know that? No, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. They're hot and heavy. Yeah. Well, who's hot and heavy?

How long have you been hot and heavy with this young lady? Two and a half years. For long distance the whole time yeah i mean uh how is that you know what graham people people jump right to me being like oh god are you guys okay long distance that's so hard i mean it is hard but also it was super easy

we made it really fun uh it was but you know what it was super easy well but i mean relaxing if you if you you know we made it fun We did like interesting stuff around our relationship. It wasn't, it was a lot more easy than hard. Because we never let it be longer than a month. We'd be apart and we did cute stuff like try and cook the same recipe at the same time. Oh, that's fun. This is gross. Yeah.

I think I bought all the wrong stuff. Yeah. I'm just going to order pizza over here That's fun So did you do it over Skype? Yeah, like Skype video Quickly learned how much slower I make a tagine compared to Amy

What's a tagine? I still don't, I don't really know Do you need a tagine? Do you need one of those clay pots or something? Is that a tagine or is that something else? I think that would be ideal. I did not have a tagine. It's a Moroccan stew type dish. Maybe.

I swear she was, I was like, okay, I'll start chopping the vegetables. And then it was just like, seriously. And then she was just done. But she, does she know how to use like different effects on her computer? Maybe she made it look like a wah-wah pedal. So she recorded earlier in the day. Did she make a tagine like a cooking show? She pre-made a finished tagine?

Okay, I'm going to chop, and here's my finished tagine. This was supposed to be something we did together. I take a quick relaxing pill to calm down. Oh, yeah. To pass a baby through you. So you don't know if she has the clay pot or not. She's already moved

in, right? If she has it, she got rid of it. Oh, okay. Because maybe it wasn't so good, this tagine. Well, the funny thing is we never tried each other's. She tried mine. It was bad. I never tried hers because it was good and she ate it. Did you ever mail each other food? Oh, God. no we didn't an envelope of stew yeah yeah one of those just like with bubble wrap the kind uh you know the plastic envelopes yeah oh with the little

window in it so that you can see what's in it yeah post office is just like and you can't you move into the same city you guys And you put all the stickers on it Do not bend please keep warm Add salt After three hours On the road I wonder what's too much to ask

Apparently do not bend is too much to ask Of a male Even putting fragile on something Is a challenge You're just begging for them to do something crazy to it. This side up. And give me more ideas of cute things. Like, this would be a great blog for you.

Cute ideas for long-distance couples. Yeah. We did some good ones. I think maybe the best one was we did a music tour. Actually, I did it in your... I was in Toronto on tour. And I was in Chris Wilson's room and... Past guest.

Past guest. And the idea was we would each give each other our tour of our sort of musical journey to this point. So for me, like early crappy music we listened to right through to whatever we're interested in now just sort of hit like, and there's 10 songs each and each song you could give

the other person something they had to provide while you presented it. So for example Bare Naked Ladies was one of my first ones and there was a juice box for that one. And then later

it was like Why the juice box? Because it was a kid thing. It was like when I was a kid playing with Lego I would listen to Bare Naked Ladies but then later

there was a Hold Steady song on there and it was like you could drink like a crappy beer. Oh, so you wrote this down, and then she had to go get a juice box and drink a juice box while she listened to the song? That's right. And while she's listening to the song, I would describe why it was important to me.

And then she would go, and we went back and forth. This is fun. Any couple should do this. It was super fun and really, obviously, informative about the other person's musical taste. both really like music so there was a lot to talk about i like that so you just you 10 songs from 10 songs i hate about you any any 10 songs you want really but most we both did it in a chronological order autobiographical yeah i like this idea it was fun any couples out there give it a whirl yeah see if. See if your relationship can survive this challenge. And it's just like juice box, Capri Sun.

Sunny Delight. It's all juice. Purple stuff. Yeah. Finer and finer juices. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I get some from Whole Foods.

Yeah. And then end it with some gross kombucha. Yeah, that's right now the end of juice this is what i listen now that i'm an old man oh just sand in a cup of water listen to singing to drinking that who drinks that is that after is that after the apocalypse yeah it's once you've accepted the apocalypse is coming you start drinking water with sand in it oh to just get used to the taste and so that the cup's a bit heavier just it's weighing you down the knowledge of it yeah yeah yeah it's like when i was at uh it's weird because you have a glass

and a glass glass is liquid and it's got water which is a liquid and sand which is turns into glass that is. Also, the way you said it was really weird. Definitely the weirdest part was the way you said it. Well, no, I got it. You guys haven't heard that? It's a bumper sticker. And please no one write and tell me that glass isn't really a liquid. It's a bumper sticker that's a full 8.5

by 11. Yeah. And it's got like a wave. Please no one write. It's like a fold out. Yeah. You gotta fold out the sticker down to the ground.

Yeah. Al Jaffe did it. So, that would be cool to have fold out bumper stickers. Or like those buses that are accordion buses

that like put an ad on the side. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Thank you. That's longer.'s a good idea that's longer or a bumper sticker that if you get into a car accident

when it folds in you're like ah it's Batman I couldn't tell Batman confident in car accidents I'm assuming Batman would have this

bumper sticker yeah he would have a bumper sticker for himself or yeah it's Bruce Wayne's car when he gets in an accident I'm assuming Batman would have this bumper sticker. Yeah, he would have a bumper sticker of himself. Or yeah, it's Bruce Wayne's car. When he gets hit in an accident, it's Batman. Because if you get in an accident with Bruce Wayne,

he's going to come out in costume and he's going to crush you. Oh, that's true. He's going to bring down that. And then you're like, why were you driving Bruce Wayne's car? Because you're both dumb? car um because you're both dumb yeah that's two dumb people in gotham that would be a good show good radio show in gotham two dumb people i hear batman is actually the joker it's the jokester. So, uh, it's,

so now the, the lady has moved into the city. She's just moved here. And, uh, you guys are going to live together. So you're going from distance to zero proximity. Yeah. Exactly.

The Doppler effect. As it's known. Now, is this exciting? Are you, is this going to be fun? Yeah, it's been super fun so far

uh you know moving is kind of a stressful thing but we've had fun with it her birthday was january 1st so we had a couple like sort of party moments in the middle of the move and new year's baby new year's baby indeed yeah yeah yeah was she the first child born in our city in that year she was the first child ever born. Really? Yeah. No kidding. The things she's seen. She must think an iPhone is something else. Oh boy. Like she keeps calling me. Asking for advice.

My remote's not working. This is what old people call me with. Just general old people? Yeah. Well, why did you take out that ad in the senior's digest? Well, because I want to be a grandkid. I rarely, I didn't appreciate it when I had it. Grandkid not calling you?

Call me. Yeah. Need help with your tech stuff? Yeah. That would be a good service. $5 a month, and I'll answer the phone whenever you want to call and talk. I'll answer the phone whenever I choose. No, come on.

This is a service now. But also you can't. During business hours. The service couldn't be phone in because that's part of what you'd be teaching. No. You could write a letter. If you want service, you could write a letter. Seniors are all about the phone call.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it the most. Okay, okay. Can you imagine writing a letter? Like, okay, you've got to change your input it's on the top left uh and a glass is made of liquid but there's liquid in the glass but there's also sand in there which if you heat it up becomes glass here's a bumper sticker put this on this will help just get this out on your car. Grandma. Now, you were saying you brought

over some candies that you got from a market. You brought it over in the biggest Ziploc bag I have ever seen. Would you tell us later? It's a wig bag. But it's just a large Ziploc bag. I think other people would call it a freezer bag. It doesn't say.

I think you could put two full chickens in there, right? Two full chickens in there Right Two full chickens Oh they would not be comfortable No You know This is just a temporary Until we find a nicer place Yeah

This is only a crash pad Cause you brought You said I have Cause Graham and I Were upstairs eating candy Yeah And you said

I brought some candy too And you pulled out This enormous bag With three tiny candies, which I honestly thought he's going to make us do drugs. Yeah. We're going to, yeah. Which is also fine.

Okay. But you, you said that you own a lot of wigs because you do sketch comedy. Yeah. Do a lot of sketch comedy. And you're bald. And I'm bald. So it's both a lifestyle choice and a professional choice. But Amy also has a lot of wigs.

And Amy is also bald. Yeah. We do both have a lot of wigs. Amy also does a lot of sketch comedy. Tell me about how many wigs do you own? I own, well, I have all of the Hip Bang costumes and wigs. So I would say I own... Hip Bang.

Hip Bang is... Local comedy duo. Yep. Local comedy duo. I own maybe 20 wigs. And that's like after a pretty severe culling. And do you... Oh, really?

Yeah. Like these are down to the 20 best wigs. Yeah. And Amy, how many wigs... Do you guys have like a wig room? Well, it's a real question, Dave. Where are we going to put all this costume stuff? And then we get it together and we become interested in each other's costume stuff,

so it becomes harder to throw it away. Right now, honestly, it's just right by the front door. There's a big, huge pile. As you're seeing new characters, new possibilities. New opportunities. We call them opportunities in sketch comedy. And I've bought a few wigs when I've had to do a character or whatever. You're bald.

Of course. You get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got your signature wig you've been wearing. Low these many years. Low them. It grows. It's a good wig.

It's a very good wig. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. But when I buy a wig, I'll buy a cheap whatever. I only need this once. You are in the wig field. Yeah. Do you own like a, what's the nicest wig you own? Was Wigfield a band?

Oh, Saturday night dance, I like the way you move. There we go. That's Wigfield. Pretty baby. That's their classic hit. Not a band, like a Northern European woman. Okay. I thought you were going to say a movement.

An opportunity. Oh, not just a band. It's another opportunity. The band that became a movement now can you could you

say what your favorite wig is that you own hmm yes there is a cut off my question oh what was your question what's the nicest wig

oh okay yeah go with Dave's question you know what I'll answer both guys okay I have a follow up as well I have a you know sometimes I just want to look, I want the opportunity to look a little bit off in some way.

So I think my favorite wig is we have a, like a female, I think it's supposed to be a female blonde wig. You can tell because of the pleasure it's not having. That's right. Because it contains relaxant. Go on. It's sort of a bob, but I wear it backwards so the hair is really short

at the top and really kind of long at the back. It's very unusual. That sounds really funny. Yeah. You know, it's a troubling thing to see.

I don't think that's the nicest one. There's also a great, like, really tight black curly one that's very shiny. Oh, yeah. Very,

like a peppy. Oh. I always use it for a bus driver a really fun effervescent bus driver like now because you do uh it's a two-man uh sketch sketch duo yeah we do improv and sketch but like i don't think i've ever seen you do sketches where a wig's involved. So have I just gone to the wrong shows? Wow, tough, tough question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he ran out of bags. Yeah, because he was bringing candy. Had no way to store them.

We just started throwing them out after every show because we couldn't put them down. Yeah. Our wig budget was out of control. This was back when you needed a humidor for your wig. Yeah. So a walk-in humidor. So. Honestly, the answer is we just kind of moved away from it.

There's two people doing sketch comedy. We don't really leave the stage. Yeah. We don't like to really have anything on the stage. Very limited props. Do you remember that scene in Goodfellas where there's like a freezer truck full of wigs and they tell the wives, go pick out a wig.

Oh, there's, well, there's, yeah, then there's the guy that's the wig. He's like the wig king and he's got an ad where he jumps in a pool. Yeah, that's true as well. Yeah. But that's actually true. There's a, yeah, that's actually,

and your thing was fake. Yes, yes, was right yes yes yes yes uh well your thing was as true as the fact that water is glass or glass is water if you look right if you want to write tom and correct him you're free to do so do not write me you can write me at www.google.com slash letter. Slash. Slash. Were you, you were one of those doodles once? What? Graham, what does he mean? Oh, like a Google doodle?

And you can tell that was a question because I went up at the end. Dave's very jet lagged, you see. Oh, boy. Dave has jet lag? Yeah, that's how you do it. Dave has jet lag? So if you don't use wigs anymore, why do you keep so many wigs? Well, because both Devin and I still value wigs. So does Amy.

Occasionally other things happen, do other sketches, other arrangements. Sometimes we do a one-off sketch we might want to wear a wig. Sometimes someone will write on Facebook, I need a wig. That's true. Yeah, there's a lot of that handy thing. There is a lot of that. Yeah. Comedy posting.

Yeah. Does anybody have a Yoda mask was floating around the internet the past few days? We've done some weird ones for that. Comedy questions on Facebook. What was it? Oh, because you guys do like, you'll do a rap battle. It's most often for shooting videos that we need really weird ones.

Like, does anybody have access to a goat? Just a real live goat. Need a goat? It would be best if they could be in an office setting. If not, we'll just work with them wherever they are. A goat that's already in an office setting? Well, you know, could we, is it a, you know, so we found out with like, we've tried to get a few different animals. There are stage animals out there, right?

And they're like, people will reply, you know, if you, if you look for them. Does this goat know Excel? Yeah. Is this goat comfortable with, you know, a moving shot nudity? So what kind of animals? Is this goat comfortable with my nudity? What type of animals have you tried to secure? Well, goat is specifically one.

Okay. The best lead we got was my aunt who's a farmer and owns a bunch of goats and was like so mad. You know, you have someone,

a family member on Facebook. They've probably got, no, with love and respect, she's probably got 50 friends on Facebook. And she sees this post and is like, does anybody have a goat?

She's like, Tom, what are you talking about? You know I have 50 goats. God damn it, Tom. This is the one time that I have the thing you need. You should immediately think of me. Does she live?

No, she lives in Saskatchewan. Oh, come on. Well, we're going to go to Saskatchewan to shoot this scene. Well, or she could put it in one of those. She could step up for once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a goat on an airplane. Or put a goat in an envelope, fill it with stew.

That's right. To sustain it. I think you put the goat on an airplane in a hoodie, and you say that it's a child's first-time traveler. Two children? Just the front and then the back is like another... You know how you do a horse when you're two guys who make a horse? Yeah, it's two kids. These are two kids

flying alone for the first time so take good care of them. These are my twin kids. Keep them away from grass. Yeah, and try not to give them any tin cans. They're not allowed

to have tin cans. But they will not turn it down. Also, the front one needs to sit. This one needs to sit on that one's lap. Yeah. Also, the back kid is to sit. This one needs to sit on that one's lap.

Yeah. Also, the back kid is shitting all over the place. Don't blame the front kid for that. It'll be tempting because he's the only face you'll see. Yeah, I know he has a beard, but he's a kid. Okay, so we're going to eat these candies. Why did you bring these wig candies? Well, you know, my father felt in life,

you shouldn't go to someone's house without something. Oh, that's very... I don't live by that policy. I was just going to have a candy myself when I thought I should bring two more. Share the candy wealth. That's right. So what... Where did you get these candies?

These are hard candy. Hard candy. We got them at the Christmas market in Vancouver from a German candy place. This is apparently a berry that grows in Germany. Oh. Or like a leaf first. It's a flavor Germans like. What?

All right. We're each grabbing a candy. It's a green candy. It's a hard. It's like an old lady kind of candy. We're all waiting until everyone has one before we put it in our mouth. We're all waiting. One, two. lady kind of candy. We're all waiting until everyone has one before we put it in our mouth. We're all waiting.

This is the best sound you can have in a radio type program, right? The sound of a hard candy. It tastes like I'm eating like I've smelled a soap that I really like. I was going to say it's like a lotion. Yeah, it does. It tastes like I'm eating a lotion. Kind of coconutty. But let it's like a lotion. Yeah, it does. It tastes like I'm eating a lotion. Kind of coconutty.

But let it sweeten in there. No. I'm just going to take it out. Not me. I'm going the distance with this. Cool. This will be a cool show to edit. Yeah.

This, it really dries your mouth out. That's what I've noticed about this candy. What did you buy? Like a giant bag of these? You get like a bag of, I'm going to say 50. We meant to give them out as like Christmas, like here's a Christmas card with a couple candies. Surprisingly, none of them came. That would be a fun thing to do to get some kind of European candy and hand those out at Halloween. Because kids would be like, technically, I'm allowed to have this because it's wrapped, but I don't know what it is.

Yeah. But I'm going to eat it anyway. Well, we've got a bunch of, Abby's Aunt Sheila brought these Danish chocolate bars that are called Plop. Yeah. So we got a big bag of Plops upstairs. They're good. Like caramels, but a little bit sweeter. Yeah.

Yeah. So there's that. But we're not going to give those away to no damn trick-or-treaters. Why not? They won't last. Oh, yeah. Kids won't know. Kids won't know that you got them in december of last year i mean they

won't all eat them oh yeah because they're so delicious yeah yeah once you plop you can't stop uh there we go pretty good okay for listeners imagine the most satisfied face in the world and that's the face that graham made when he said once you plop you can't stop. Yeah. Well when you hit a high note. Then leap. Yeah.

That's what Mariah Carey did. She hit that high note. And she's never been heard from again. She married Nick Cannon settled down divorced Nick Cannon. Oh boy. How else would you deal with marrying Nick Cannon. Oh boy. Got to get out of there.

Do they have a couple of kids. Do they have a couple kids? Do they have kids? Yeah. I didn't know they were together, you guys. You saw that pregnant photo of her? You didn't know that Nick Cannon

and Mariah Carey were together? I just, I truly don't care. It's such a deep, like maybe, even now that we've talked about it,

I probably won't remember that tomorrow. So would you say that Mariah Carey is the celebrity you care least about? Well, I know so probably not okay dave celebrity you you care like if you hear news about him you're like i want that second back i want that time back that took to hear about that pat say jack

it's so rare that he gets lumped in the celebrity category but he is a celebrity he's our most celebrity if i saw him in real life i'd freak out yeah i'd plot i plop i plop and once i plop oh boy uh yeah pat say jack okay fair enough you i i feel like uh the uh oh i'm sorry i interrupted i thought you already went did i you said mariah carey twice said it wouldn't be mariah carey it wouldn't no couldn't be no mariah carey i care very deeply there are like a you know a 16 and pregnant person on a cover of a magazine. I don't know who that is. Oh yeah,

that's a good, that's like a perfect, perfect category of celebrity to not care. Because it's a person you've never even heard of who's a celebrity. Yeah.

And you see the type of information that they're discussing on the magazine. She's back with Carter. You're like, no. I can't believe it.

Carter. Yeah. Her't believe it. Carter. Yeah. Her mom hates Carter. Yeah. Well, that's because he's no Pat Sajak. She had a chance to settle down with Pat Sajak, blew it, and now she's with Carter again. I wish Pat Sajak was like... In the mix?

Yeah. Or I wish he just had a great beach bod. I'd like to see that featured. I just love that Pat Sajak would be dating one of the Kardashians. And he's just stepping out of a limo, and you can see his scrotum. I was watching Wheel of Fortune a few weeks ago and it was like Veterans Week

and they showed a picture of him when he was in Vietnam. What? Hold his back. I know, right? What? He was in Vietnam. Are you saying he was a veteran? Yes.

No, no. Him last summer. he was in Vietnam are you saying he was a veteran yes no no it's just they didn't yeah him last summer on his holiday he shows that to the veterans

Vietnam now is a really good place to go yeah it's ironic that bring your American

dollars and buy a photocop version of the Quiet American. Oh, I had no idea. Yeah. I had no idea. And he's all, he looks so young.

Yeah. He's so cute. Great beach bod. Tight, tight beach bod. When he was discussing with his friends, what are you going to do when you get back to America? He's like, I don't know, host some sort of quiz show. For dumb people. Not Jeopardy or anything.

I asked this when Twitter started letting you run polls. Yeah. I asked the question, do you think just once Pat Sajak and Vanna White have ever had sex?

People found it very troubling. Yeah. People don't very troubling. Yeah. People don't want to think about it. I always assumed they were together when I was a kid. When I would watch Wheel of Fortune, I thought they were a couple and that that was part of the... Wasn't there a romance? I don't think so. I choose to believe there was.

He apparently is 40 years older than her. What? How much older... Tough but fair. Tough but fair. What do you suppose the age difference is on those two well she i'm googling it right now she must have been in her 20s in the 80s i'm gonna say 32 years 32 years yeah 32 years apart yeah wow i'm gonna say that they are coming in strong just making a bold guess 40 was in my mind

30 chill I'm gonna go 24 24 years apart I have been playing A very fun game Okay So she's

58 Years old So you think he's 90? Hey man Lotion has come a long way I know And they put it all in those candies. And he is, get ready for it boys, 69.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Notice, Dave, you didn't have to guess there. Oh yeah, no. I let you off the hook on that one, hey? Well, because I Googled. Right. I was in charge of Googling.

I got to tell you guys about this guessing game. The people of the world need to know about this game. A friend of mine pitched it to me. It's so fun. The idea is you can bet on anything if you just bet on what somebody else thinks the answer is. So, for example, how many rulers of China does Dave think there have ever been? Oh, and I bet. You and I can guess how many Dave thinks there have ever been. Oh, and I bet. You and I can guess how many Dave thinks there have ever been.

It doesn't matter. I mean, honestly, if you just said rulers of China, it's such an abstract, you know, that's probably the definition has changed. China has changed.

Sure. The only thing is what Dave thinks off the top of his head. Another one would be how many times does Graham think the word snake appears in the Bible or like literally anything. And then whoever bets closest.

So we don't even have to look it up. No, of course. That's what makes it so easy. Oh, I like this. And you can just get, and it can be, you know, it can be something like how many times, let's say, you know, how many times do we think Havana White has ridden a bicycle? How many days in her life? Havana White? Oh, this right here.

Dirty dancing. Havana Whites. I thought it was like, is that a name for cocaine i can't get off of it pretty good name that's a good name yeah china white is heroin right havana white is cigars yeah Cigars? Yeah So yeah, okay So then Let's do one of these One of my favorites is Do we have to write down an answer?

The idea is the person just sort of locks it in And then the other two people say it at the same time Oh, I see, okay Let's do How many cheetahs does Dave think there are outside of Africa? Okay.

Lock in the number. Okay. I'm going to say 76. I said 41. 220. Wow. And you're probably right

because if you think about all the private... I think it's just zoos Well, there was one on the loose In some small town That's right A couple weeks ago Saskatchewan

A wild one? Saskatchewan? It was eating goats No, it was BC It was eating goats, wasn't it? Yeah, I think it was So, you know Loose, this is what I would describe as loose suspicion.

Oh, wasn't it eating oats? Okay. How many glasses are made of liquid? Infinite. Okay, I've locked it in. Just go ahead and think. Yeah. Okay.

On three. One, two, three, three. Seven billion. Uh, you guys are both wrong All of them So it's infinite Every glass made of liquid Should have stuck with infinite

If you think about it long enough If you think about a glass long enough It becomes liquid This bumper sticker I'm glad I got stuck behind this car in traffic The whole conversation is on the bumper sticker This entire time It's just like a roll of paper that's

unrolling as the car drives away. You're just parked in front of it. Uh, it gives me something. Me and the kids, something to do when we're stuck in traffic. Oh, honey, look, it's one of those rolling bumper stickers again. Stop the car, get the kids up front.

Let's read a podcast. Yeah. Oh, reading a podcast. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a reminder. If anybody wants a transcript of this podcast, send a self-addressed stomped envelope. Stomped envelope?

Not a stamped envelope. No, you have to get the cast and crew of Stomp. The crew? Yeah, fair point. yeah fair fair point it wasn't enough to get 57 dancers to sign it

now I gotta sign it too how many people does Tom think are in stomp 57 big stomp fan over here when you said crew

I thought of like a guy that's holding cue cards like Tony Inky Mendez but on all the cue cards, it's just this. It's like, crash, can't stand. Bang a drum.

Bang a drum. And Robert De Niro shows up. He's squinting at them. His rhythm is all off. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, this is our first show, second release of the new year, but first recording of the new year. Yeah, where we're actually in 2016. A year that has so far been defined by, uh, um, Steve Harvey accidentally announcing the wrong Miss Universe.

That happened last year. I know, but it's the defining thing still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What bigger has happened since? Making a murderer. Making a murderer. Oh, yeah. So engrossing.

Deeply. Did you see it? I'm five episodes in. I'm seven. I watched the whole thing. Wow. These are the riddle of the Sphinx. But yeah, you're right. Wow. This is, this is, these are the, the riddle of the Sphinx. Um,

but yeah, you're right. Making a murderer really is, is this year's, uh, Strang strong. Yeah. Oh,

Strang strong. Well, we said, uh, I mean, I saw a bunch of stuff. We, you know,

we're trying to stay away from spoilers. There's all this stuff about Dean Strang is the sex symbol of making a murderer. Yeah, that's true. Which one's he? He's the lawyers. Yeah. He's one of the guys that kind of looks like stephen cobert a little bit the the guy with a great head of hair yeah yeah such a great probably the only good head of hair in that whole documentary and to think that is a wig yeah yeah yeah wig field right Yeah. Wigfield, right? Yeah. They do good work. Wigfield wigs.

They're only open on Saturday night. So, here's what's up. When we last left, I was about to head to Switzerland for Christmas with Abby and her family. Yeah. And the tickets were bought back in August. We were looking forward to this. Sure. Oh, yeah, right.

Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. I nearly forgot about all this. So the flight was leaving on a Saturday, the day of Wigfield. And we show up at the airport. We've got a baby. We've got so much stuff to carry. I'm picturing kind of a home alone.

Everybody's running to the, you're carrying things. We had plenty of time. Little things are falling out of suitcases. Yeah. A couple of guys are clapping in the airport. There's an old man shoveling snow that turns out to be good. Spoiler. He's in the air.

There's a lot of foresh. He's in the air. There's a lot of foreshadowing happening in the background of every scene. Speaking of making a murderer, that old murderer turned out not to be a murderer. Yeah, that's true. But then he didn't he murder Joe Pesci? I think one of them got hit in the head with a shovel. Oh, maybe they both did, yeah.

Anyways. The shovel did what the paint cans couldn't. So we show up at the airport and we give them our passports and stuff and Lufthansa, the German airline, and the woman processing her passports and she asked me, do you have another passport?

And I'm like, no. That is such a weird question to ask. You got any other ones? Yeah. This one's good. But I already have it. I got three right here. These are all mine.

And then she just says, you will not be traveling today. In an emotionless German tone. my god oh wow and it turns out uh my passport just because your passport hasn't expired does not mean your passport is valid nah and i knew this was a thing going to the states if you have less than six months going to the states i although i always thought driving to the States, because if you have a return ticket, I thought that was worth something. But apparently not. Plans have to be worth something.

Yeah. So if you have under 90 days left on your passport, even if you have a return ticket, going to Europe, you cannot go. Huh. 90 days, huh? Yeah. Why is that?

Because that's the maximum amount of time you're allowed to spend over there? That's how much air they have? Yeah. Why is that? Because that's the maximum amount of time you're allowed to spend over there? That's how much air they have. Yeah. They only have enough air for 90 days for a new guy. They're like, okay, but not without this passport. But I was like, I'm bringing my own air. Yeah, that's true.

What do you think's in these bags? There's some air in there. Look, I didn't use one of those vacuum bag suckers um and uh so we're like confused and uh yeah we we we have to like abby's about to we were about to fly for like i think it was a in total like a 15 or 16 hour trip including transfers right and uh abby now has to do this by herself no she had margo to take care of her exactly so she has to do this one with a one-year-old and i'm like so confused and we call like people we know like i call my parents and she calls her parents and we try to figure it out and uh her family is all they're all canadians living in europe and they haven't heard of this rule

i've heard of it but the same way you've heard of it with the american thing that you can't anecdotally yeah yeah like uh anecdotally no but i also knew it but i didn't know it was 90 days i thought it was 60 days anyway it's 90 isn't the rule just anybody at a border can just just fuck you fuck you right away yeah that's true hello you won't be trapped we weren't even at a border we were at an airport and did she now when you're talking about this lady at the desk she didn't try to like oh let me call my supervisor just like you're not traveling and that's it? Yeah.

And then she showed the passport to another guy and he went. Oh, no. That's horrible. I had 86 days left on my passport. I needed 90. Oh, that's crazy. So tight. Yeah.

That is crazy. I understand if it was like, okay, well, you only have 30 days left. That's not. But you're six short. And I have a return ticket in 14 days. Yeah. That sucks. Did they say like, oh, it's because people have gone over there and then not had a passport to return and they claim asylum?

I think that's sort of it. Okay. Huh. All right. turn and they claim asylum or what what i think that's sort of it okay huh but all right i would have just been like it's like when you go to subway apparently say like can i have a breakfast thing and they're like no breakfast is over you're like but it's right there yeah can i just have it well isn't it in the european constitution that once you plop you can't stop So then they knew you'd get there The European constitution Havana White Havana White wrote it

This guy's all callbacks Yeah so I I like We realized there was nothing we could do And Abby went on her way and I was just like Went home Yeah you're like I'll get a Pizza Hut Express Well that was sort of it

It was like we've been planning to be out of Town for two weeks So our fridge is empty Like we've got So I literally was like uh bye Like I was figuring out The six meals I needed before I could go Because I the passport office

Doesn't open till Monday morning and you're there this is Saturday Saturday yeah and so I'm just like kind of figuring out like I you can pre-fill out the passport form you can go get your passport photos taken but other than that there's nothing I could do and people were like like Alicia felt really bad for me and she was like do you want to go for dinner do you want to go to a party which was very sweet but i wrote back and said i want to go home and lie face down i know because you do you feel a bit like you're like i'm the i'm the author of my own disaster yeah like i knew i knew when it was going to expire. I did not think this would happen. No, no. I feel like a real big dummy.

Also, just a party. Like, Dave, what are you doing here? Yeah, I thought you were at a dinner. Oh, well, yeah. And then my mother invited me for brunch the Sunday morning. And I was like, sure. She didn't tell me that this was a big Christmas brunch with like 60 of our friends

who each of them would individually want to hear the story. Oh, yeah. Well, they're all passport officers or whatever. Well, they did.

Whatever they're called. They all had different, like apparently one guy was like, well, that's the airline does that because a border guard can sort of see a gray area. Yeah, maybe like call an audible.

But if they refuse you at the border, then the airline has to pay for you to go back. Oh. Oh, I see. So this is a. So anyway, I, I, yeah. Thanks Lufthansa. So I went home and I bought enough ice cream to last me through the weekend

and then you have to and then my ticket was cancelled so I had to buy a new ticket yeah but you can't guarantee you're gonna have a passport like I bought a ticket for Tuesday I didn't have a passport until like the office doesn't open until Monday and so I couldn't like guarantee it

but if you want a rush passport you have to prove that you're traveling very soon so it's a lot of like you have to get this in order to do this and then and then i had to get uh two people to vouch for me and i got graham and alicia yep and i was like i'm going to the passport office when it opens at 7 30 in the morning on monday please answer your phone yeah yeah it's like uh i don't know if you're like in in the 80s it was a real thing in like a lot of action movies that a phone would ring and the hero let's say bruce willis would answer it like like fumble around and then grab the phone and be like hello and i was like nobody answers the phone like that That's how I answer the phone Yeah sure Hello The pain is clear

And so on the Monday morning I woke up at 6 And I went downtown To the passport office And waited outside At 6.30 Were there other people Waiting outside

There was one guy Same thing had happened He's like I'm just a big fan Same thing had happened to him Or to his son Which is bonkers. Like, his eight-year-old son, like they would travel to another country. My eight-year-old son's already in Italy, waiting there with his brother that's attached to him.

This is the two brothers. I thought he had a Siamese twin who traveled separately from his Siamese... It's Siamese twin, but one of them has the password and the other one... How does that work? I don't know. I don't know. Do they get one ticket? Two tickets?

Oh, man. Can Siamese twins be boy-girl? I don't... And if so... My lack of knowledge about Siamese twins coming right to the forefront. Also, it's conjoined. I apologize. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. What are we? a traveling circus? 10 bearded ladies. Yeah. Do they have relaxer? Who's the callback king now? So I go, I wait in line at 6.30 before it opens. One guy's already there with his kid.

But it is bonkers that a border guard would be like, oh, you're traveling with this kid whose passport will expire? What says you won't leave your kid in my country? How do I know you're not depositing your kid in another country? Is this another classic kid deposit? We've had a lot of that.

But by the time it opened... We had these rules for a reason. By the time it opened, there were like reason by the time it opened there were like 50 people in line oh yeah and uh but i got the the you go in and you take a number i got number two and then the guy was super good at like filling out the form stamping it and he was like make sure these people answer their phones if they uh if if you need another reference fax us this and then by the time i had gotten to my car, the guy phoned me and said, both of those people answered their phones.

Your references are all good. Come back at noon, and you can fly tomorrow. What did they ask you? I didn't know they had to ask people things. Yeah, there was a bunch of questions. I don't remember what the questions were. At one point, though. I blacked out right away.

Picked up the phone and blacked out. They did ask me how tall you were. They asked Alicia that, too. What did you say? I said knee high to a grasshopper. And he said, how big a grasshopper? And I was like, one of those novelty ones. Like one of the ones like biggest grasshopper.

Or ones they would put outside a grasshopper dealership. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They asked Alicia and she said six foot five. And she was like, but I don't know. Yeah, yeah. He's a towering man. The tallest man I've ever met. I couldn't put a number on it.

For the Lister, I'm like 5'11 and 15, 16. Yeah, I think I said 5'10. I just don't have the confidence to say I'm six feet tall. I said, I think I said 5'10. I just don't have the confidence to say I'm six feet tall. I think I said 5'10. Ballpark. Yeah, as long as they're like, trick question. We were asking in imperial measurements, not in metric. You answered in imperial.

No, I didn't. I said about a meter. Oh, wait. How many liters? How many liters in him? I kept him on the phone a long time. Wait, centigrade? Trying to string him along?

Your understanding is to prove his identity, you just need to keep him on the phone? Yeah, you just wanted to trace his phone call? Yeah. Make sure he's from the passport office? We need 30 more seconds, Graham. Tell him where he is. You spent the night before with the chief of police, and he was in the passport office. We need 30 more seconds, Graham. Don't know where he is. You spent the night before with the chief of police and he was in the bed next to you.

Yeah. And he had rigged up a whole series of strings to his gun just in case somebody from the passport office showed up. That's from Cape Fear. I had that exact same thing happen to me. Really? The last minute passport thing. It's impressive how quickly they can make a passport.

Yeah. They're like, same thing. I was like, maybe number two. He's like, okay, all your references checked, whatever. It's going to be an hour and a half. Yeah. Hour and a half. Why?

Like, we're going to make your passports. Like, there's no stand-in passports. Yeah. We're going to go into that room right there and make a really complicated document. The guy said, yeah, we can't. Like, when I first got there, he said, we can't i like when i first got there said we can't guarantee anything but if it should be today uh but there's only one guy in town who makes them but it does feel weird one guy yeah like or one office that does it like yeah i

imagined a big like a the equivalent of a mint that makes books yeah sure you know or money because it's got all that that technology in it yeah yeah it's weird that uh that was always weird when something can be done that fast and i'm like so what's the deal the rest of the time yeah yeah and also like motors through why did i have to wait for monday morning for this like why can't why isn't there a guy in the airport doing this? And also, why do I have to go to a different photographer? Like, the DMV can just take my picture. That I've always wondered, why you had to show up with photos already. Because it used to be that the guy vouching for you had to sign your photo.

Oh, yeah. Now it's not the case anymore. And it also used to have to be like a, it had to be a certain type of profession. It had to be either a lawyer, an accountant, a doctor, or. Maybe an emcee. A clergyman. Or an emcee. Lawyer, doctor.

That's a Will Smith lyric for those keeping track at home. I think it is like a lawyer, doctor, maybe an emcee. From just the two of us. It's true. Classic track. Yeah. That's about his son who's not from just the two of us. It's true. Classic track. Yeah, that's about his son who's not Jaden. Oh, yeah, the other son that he didn't try to make famous. I didn't even know there was another son.

I thought it was Jaden all along. No, Jaden hadn't been born yet. Jaden came much later. Oh, my Will Smith timeline. Yeah, Jaden was a surprise baby. Listen to the other lyrics of the song. It's about him not not working out with jay with the kids oh yeah that's right yeah and also how he's like you'll be the only son i

ever have there's a real heavy i might have a daughter but i swear you in this song that's a promise one son for life you'll definitely be the most karate kid I ever have. Ha ha, ha ha. But yeah, so that was very eventful. Oh, man. And then the rest of the trip was uneventful, like just like the perfect relaxing holiday. And yeah, anything. uneventful, just like the perfect relaxing holiday.

And yeah, anything, just a holiday, lots of warm dinners. Oh, man. They got warm dinners in Europe, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it was Switzerland. It was a lot of cheese. Fondue. We had a fondue.

We had a raclette. We had some rosti. Raclette, I think I know what that is. What is roasty? Roasty is like a hash brown. Mmm, yum. Yum! Yes, please.

Do they have a particular recipe, or do you just go to somewhere and order it? You buy a bag of it. Yum. Well, you can also order it in any restaurant. All the restaurants have the same seven things. Yeah, I don't really know outside of fondue what Swiss food is. Well, the cheese. There you go. Cheese and chocolate.

That's Belgium. Yeah, it's landlocked. So there's very few mussels. Right. What is it? Lots of lamb? No. Chicken?

What kind of meat? What's the meat over there? You'll get a pork schnitzel. Oh, schnitzel. You'll get a verst. Ohitzel. Oh, schnitzel. You'll get a Wurst. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Schweinraum Wurst, I think is pronounced. I've heard that stuff.

It's the Wurst. Yeah. Nailed it. One son for life. Ha ha. Pause it up with a callback. It's a callback. Yeah, new joke, callback.

Stay on track here, Dave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on with you, my friend? You know, not too much. You know, the holidays are just, they're over, thank God. Thank God. I went home for a couple of days.

They could have gone on forever. Yeah, I mean, they could have, but thank God they didn't. Oh, that's one thing is when you go away, like before Christmas, and you come back after Christmas, it's weird when you still have Christmas decorations in your house. Oh, yeah. Like, why is this stuff still up? It's January.

Yeah. Don't we have a service that takes care of this stuff? I got in my car and it was on the the all christmas station which isn't all christmas anymore just static let's just like listen it's january uh fourth it's got a long way to go here guys we're gonna play uh valentine's music then all irish music I guess. And then Easter tunes. Top three Easter tunes, go. Oh, boy. Okay, the

Bunny Song by Wigfield. The one about eggs. Exactly. And then Heaven on Their Minds from Jesus Christ Superstar. There it is. Easy. Exactly. And then Heaven on Their Minds. There we go.

From Jesus Christ Superstar. There it is. Easy. Beautiful. Yeah. Very satisfying. So I went to Calgary for a couple of days. And, you know, like when you're at your family's house, like after a day, you're like, what are we going to do?

So we all went to go see a movie. And like, of course, the movie that everybody was seeing was. Shrek Wars? Yeah, Star Wars. The Rise of Shrek? There were still people on the 27th. So it had been out for weeks that were still in costume. It had been a week.

Well, but the costume is the first couple days. If you miss the cutoff, then you don't get to wear a costume is the first couple days if you miss the cutoff then you don't get to wear a costume to the theater you nerd yeah i i saw it on a monday morning while i was waiting for my passport to be done and there were guys on at 10 a.m on a monday with uh lifesavers yeah lifesavers Mmm, yum. Mmm-hmm. Depending on the situation. And that's what this hard candy is. It's like one of the weird beige lifesavers.

They're like, what fruit are you pretending to be? Was this aloe? So we went to go see the movie The Big Short. Ah. Oh, yeah. Which is excellent. Great movie. But we got there.

Did you see it? I also saw it. Yeah, it was great, right? I was with Graham. Yeah. Graham didn't know it. I cut a little bit of a thing for Graham. Tom and I and Amy are in a weird polyamorous.

And the chief of police. And the chief of police. We're all in this polyamorous wig sharing. It's free love, free wigs. You've heard of a love triangle. This is a love square. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's nothing square about it. You know what I mean? We're not a bunch of squares.

It's cool and round. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's heart-shaped, more than anything. Well, I guess that's got one. Anyways. So we got there, hang out to the theater kind of late, and all that was left was the front row.

They shouldn't be able to sell those tickets. That very front row, it's impossible to watch a movie in that front row. Depending on the size of the screen. It was a movie screen. It was movie size. Oh, okay. Are you thinking of like if it's a laptop? Well, I've been in small theaters where it's like a guy's got a laptop.

And he holds it up. Front row's the best spot. Yeah. You can get a real good view of his thumbprint. Are you talking about when you went to the iPhone launch where Steve Jobs was on stage? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Those front row seats were great. Mm-hmm. But like the whole movie, like by the end of the movie when we were walking out everybody was like like crazy like our sense of depth perception had been shattered you felt like you spent 90 minutes inside steve carell's nose there was one point where i was staring at the screen i was like god damn christian bale's feet are huge and then i was like oh wait everybody's feet are huge just because of the way the screen is slanted everybody's feet look uh gigantic and their heads kind of tiny this documentary about shoes in the early aughts is fascinating well they're big but short it was good though because I watched it and several of the people in my family didn't even watch it.

They just listened to it and said, yeah, you can still follow along without the visuals. It wasn't a very visual. Because it was straight up, they had to crane their neck? Yeah, or you had to take a break every 20 minutes because your neck was killing you and your eyes are trying to take in a whole screen. They should sell seats on the ceiling they should sell those front row seats and you watch it through uh through a magnifying glass well like a spoon that flips the image oh yeah what about those uh you know uh the eclipse people figured this out you want to look at something you can't look directly at. You get one of those mirror boxes. Oh, yeah. The eclipse people.

The eclipse people. I honestly thought you meant, like, the people who made the Twilight sequel. But, yeah. So, like, they should, if the ticket seller knows that those are the only seats that are going to be left, that should be at the very least half price. You're paying the same price as somebody who's got a cushy seat where they don't have to look left and right the whole movie. When I saw Star Wars, you buy tickets online and you can pick your seat. Oh, yeah. And the furthest seat available of any

showing all day long was the fourth row and on the like far right side so we and it shows on the diagram that you'll be sitting between two nerds take a picture of a costume like big yeah vader costume yeah exactly costumed, undesirable seats. Yeah, they put all the nerds in the fourth row because they all, like, may the fourth be with you. Oh, yeah. They buy into that. That's tough. That's tough to hear.

That's the worst. That's tough. That's the worst. Also, the whole thing with the Star Wars is everybody was, like, so on eggshells. Oh no, no spoilers. No spoilers. Until all the nerds had seen it. Now it's just spoiler city USA. Yeah. Nobody seems to care

about spoilers. And the number of think pieces people have written about this goddamn movie. Who cares if it's spoiled? It's dumb. The dumb idiots are going to die eventually. Just like all these characters were just invented to get killed off. Hey, guess who dies in the next one?

I don't know. Some of the characters. Yeah. The robot. Robot man. Robot man. It's a movie that just comes out and we just keep it spoiler free forever. There's no one ever speaks about it.

Can you imagine how stupid that would be? I would love that. Okay, this movie is just called No Spoilers. It's a bunch of cliffhangers like huge twists and turns. No one's allowed

to talk about it. Yeah, that sounds great. So yeah, that's like and I probably won't go see anything else in the theater. Is it going to be now that I don't want to yeah, never mind. I want to go back to this quiet bitter comment see anything else in the theater. Is it going to be... Now that... I don't want to...

I want to go back to this quiet, bitter comment Graham made just as that seemed to be ending. I don't think I'll ever go see a movie in the theater again. I probably won't. Probably until next Christmas time. Oscar season is the prime time to go to the movies.

Yeah. Yeah. It's called downloading them. The screeners have all been released for your consideration to download. Always in the front row. Yeah, looking through someone's thumbprint and soup that spilled on their screen and you just can't get off. But I do like that you can pick your seats now online yeah depending on the theater because you can know if the theater is going to be empty yeah that's true oh yeah so that you can pick which theater you can go jerk off finally yeah that's why i have such a nasty thing to jump to right to that well that's the advantage

if you were alone in a theater you'd have to wouldn't you you'd have to come on just to prove that's what happened like completely alone because I've been in theaters with like two other people no I mean the projectionist is there he can see he can see everything sure but that's his

that's part of his job uh oh here we go it's just one guy everything. Sure. But that's part of his job. Uh-oh, here we go. It's just one guy. Just mute him. I gotta watch him. That's my job. I gotta watch him. But he's taken an oath never to tell on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the projectionist's oath. He can do it, too. Well, yeah. Yeah. Sure, the free movies are great, but when one guy shows up, I gotta watch him, and then it's hard. When I think i've got

a break coming up a two-hour break because nobody's in the theater and then one guy shovels it oh great oh boy when i was on my flight flight home so dark on my flight home abby and i didn't get to sit together uh-huh uh because of the snafu oh. But we were on the same flight, but there was a guy, the guy sitting next to me was like this, you know, 70-year-old guy, like, why, I guess he's really classy. Oh, I thought he was going to be a guy making his own tacos at his seat.

He was watching a 90-minute symphony. Ooh, la la. He put on a symphony and sat there and watched it. Watched them play it? Yeah. Like, watched the video of it. The video of this live performance of people playing music. Wow. Times have changed.

Yeah. And I'm... For the better in this case. And I felt really bad because I'm sitting next to him and I was watching Straight Outta Compton. Oh, yeah. That's alright. Except it has a lot of like party scenes where the party is just people getting blowjobs. Yeah, but at least you weren't watching like an Adam Sandler film or something like that. That's true.

I would prefer to sit next to somebody who's watching a symphony other than the thousands of other possibilities of people to sit next to. Oh, totally. But I felt less than. Yeah. He's like, okay, I don't like flying. It's very nervous. I'll go to my happy place. I'll watch Brahms' Sixth.

And it's played by the London Symphony Orchestra. It'll keep me calm just like a big butt right next to a screen. Yeah totally. A big shaking butt. Fuck. This is the one thing that really riles me up.

Butts. But yeah like so yeah I went went saw that movie that's that's real i mean you know there was all sorts of holiday foo-for-a that went on but that was the most notable foo-for-a foo-for-a you got it love it you got it i love it um and then know, New Year's came and went. My resolutions came and went. Were either of you in town during the earthquake? Yeah. No.

Do you feel it? Yeah. It was crazy because I thought it was, because I was walking upstairs when it happened, and I thought it was somebody, because I've got, like, there's three floors. So I thought it was somebody running down the stairs, upstairs. That's how kind of not huge it was. But my, one of my roommates came out of his room. He's like, did you feel that?

I was like, nah. He's like, I think it was earthquake. I was like, nah, probably not. I really downplayed it. I have a earthquake app on my phone and I've had it for years. I'm big into earthquakes. Yeah. And I'm so mad I missed it uh big time but like anytime i feel like a movement i open up the app to see

if there was an earthquake and then you're like nope that was just me on the toilet had a movement come on come on come on it's a new year it's a new us it's a new us it's a new foo for us yeah the uh But I have been putting together a proper earthquake kit. Yeah, I already have one. People have been talking about these earthquake kits. What is it? Like a couple of springs you put on the wall next to you

and they just keep you steady? That's how long you're being obtuse. No, he's right. That is exactly what it is. First of all, you've got to have springs. Lots of them. Enough to make it so that you can bounce down the street. You just open a bag of springs and start bouncing everywhere. Well, no, what you should do is you should attach everything in your house to a spring. So that every day is hell until finally there's an earthquake.

No, no, no, no. These are locked, mounted. They're not just springing everywhere. But in a case of an earthquake, the locks go off. Shit springs everywhere. It's hilarious. It's so fun. You pick up your kit and you go outside and eat some Clif Bars.

Yeah, you go sit on a stump. Think where it all went wrong uh there's a video of a bed that somebody's made have you seen this oh that like uh folds in it folds in and you you end up in kind of a vault you ride out the earthquake yeah like while you're sleeping there's an earthquake and it just tucks you away yeah tucks you away i don't know how you end up getting out you don't that's what the video doesn't tell you away. I don't know how you end up getting out. You don't. That's what the video doesn't tell you. It's a suffocation chamber. You won't need to get out.

It's the last sleep you'll ever have. I mean, you survive for a while, but basically you're buried alive. I have an earthquake kit, but it's in the backpack I use most often. So I always have to empty it out. I use most often, so I always have to empty it out. Like it. But like I have this stuff and then I put it in the backpack

but then I'm like, oh, I gotta travel, so I empty it out. So then during an earthquake you're like, well, there's just a newspaper in here. Where's all this stuff? I haven't reloaded my earthquake kit. Okay, what is actually in an earthquake kit?

Like three days worth of food and water. And first aid. First aid stuff. And then some sort of radio. Radio battery. Battery powered radio. You're also supposed to have like a sleeping bag and stuff like that. Get real.

Get real. I'm already in my trap bed. Yeah, I'm already in a coffin. I'm already going to die like that. Get real. Get real. I'm already in my trapped bed. Yeah, I'm already in a coffin. I'm already going to die. Why do I need to sleep? Why does it matter? Why does anything matter? But if you're, the next earthquake that hits here is going to be so enormous that

just get to high ground because we're going to get tsunamied. Yeah, but not me, man, because all my shit's on springs. so in your both your faces you're already high ground boy yo-yo-yoing that's majoring that's chandler bing during a quick boy yo-yoing could i be any more bouncy chandler boy oh yeah uh guys do you want to move on to overheards no i, I want to move on to some business. Oh, business. Sorry.

Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You got to do some more. Take care of business.

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What up? We know how much you adore public displays of love so we did it anyway oh i guess she doesn't adore them i get it or he yeah that's true oh yeah i forgot it's 2016 malz can be a man here's to a billion more family dinners uh that's a quote what is that what do you think that means oh i mean probably like a sesh oh yeah then dave did the uh jazz jazz cigarette symbol uh and uh they write our gift to you is dave and graham saying mary mary mary mary i which i assume is an inside joke. Or is it like, you know, Mary fuck kill, but it's just Mary, Mary, Mary. Oh, yeah.

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There's been a huge event and everybody's going to die. It's okay because I'm prepared. How did you get so prepared, Andy? Well, I've been listening to this great podcast called Bunker Buddies. Bunker Buddies, you say? Tell me more. Well, it's a couple of comedians who, they're kind of funny, but whatever. But really, they're aspiring preppers, and they're just starting out to prep like me. Prepping?

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Listen to Bunker Buddies. You can check it out on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcast. Stay safe out there. There's always hope and cheesecake. Overheard. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright.

Overheard's a segment in which we hear the things, then we talk about the things we heard. Now, we always like to start with the guest. I assume you've come locked and loaded. I got one cooked up. All right, here we go. Here we go.

Okay, I was in the Philippines. What? When was this? This was in 2014, 15? You were stationed with Alex Trebek. Me and the Trebeksterster I meant Pat Sajak yeah yeah I can't believe that

I yeah so I was on this beach I saw it was like a sort of a resort you know you can imagine

any resort town kind of there's there's resort resort resort and there's a beach at the front right yeah so I'm picturing like steel drum playing reg reggae, dreadlock, rasta, buffalo soldier.

So that's what Dave is picturing. Yeah. Yeah. And I saw this guy. He, I just got the sense by the way he was moving, he had just arrived, you know, whatever. Another tourist. Another tourist. He gets there. He sits down on this chair just just like a couple meters away leans back he just got

this feel of like he's been working this is finally he gets there and he just leans back and goes this is where i come to life oh yeah and it's it's the first thing i thought of that's the first thing i always think of when i think of overheards i'm always thinking of that one this is where i come to life like a guy you know it's like a it's like an oprah catchphrase yeah yeah and be your best self yeah yeah live your best life this is where i come to life bring me is where I come to life. Bring me back to life. Evanescence. I feel like. I listen to Evanescence with a four loco.

This is part of my mixtape. This. I just have to bring up. Is it Hanging by a Moment? That's Lifehouse. Lifehouse, yeah. Okay, good. Okay.

Good. Is that Christian? Is that a very vaguely Christian song? Is that a Christian classic? Is that a Christian band? I don't know. You'd have to ask somebody who knows. I think that's Christ House. Music and Christian.

Christ House. Yes. And that's also a style of music. Christ House. Yeah. It's like house music, but it's all about God. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Deep beats and talk of God. Dave, do you have a- This is sort of a secondhand overheardard and it's not even an overheard because it was said to my dad um and i don't actually remember all the uh the parts of this story but basically he uh he's buying a new mattress okay and i can't he either they bought a mattress that they didn't like and they were returning it or he doesn't like his current mattress and he's buying a new mattress. Uh, anyway, he was, he was saying that, and either it was too soft or too hard. Okay.

Yeah. All right. So he's given, he's given whatever. It wasn't just right. It wasn't just right. Yeah. And so let's say it's, it's, uh, he, he thinks it's fine. He's telling the salesman.

Yeah, I think it's fine, but it's too soft for my wife. And the salesman says to him, is your wife a substantial woman? Oh, wow. Direct. Yeah, well, but indirect. You can't go any more direct. You can go more direct.

There's worse. Yeah, there's worse. I feel you shouldn't. Yeah, I feel like if your job is a mattress salesman, you've come up against this problem time and time again. You must have a better way to get at it than is your wife's substantial. Could your wife fit in a life raft? When your wife sits around the house, does she sit around the house? Now, your wife, suppose she entered an ugly contest.

Would they disqualify her because it was an amateur? No, would she? Is she so dumb that if she goes to a movie and it says no one under 18 admitted, she brings 17 friends? Now, what's the steepest, your wife, the grade of hill, what's the steepest grade of hill she's comfortable climbing? Before she just rolls. Now, your wife, she's so nasty. Yeah. Is your wife a mother?

Because I have a whole other line of questioning. Wow. So, Graham. Yeah. What is your deal? Overheard wife. My overheard came from, I was eating at a restaurant, went to go use the washroom. And I was surprised when there's people in the stalls that they think that they're in a soundproof booth on a game show or something.

And there's dollar bills flying around. But there's one guy and I tried to make my presence known as much as possible if the toilet stalls

were the kind of like that cash rushing around you thing yeah that would be the best

yeah it would make it would make going to the bathroom a lot more fun I mean still I gotta I gotta get this done but in the meantime

I'm trying to catch as many of these guys as I can. But, like, still private. Like, not a glass booth. No, but it should be a glass booth so that I can enjoy the fun as well. Suddenly there's a little bit of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the person watching, that's part of the fun, is having somebody rooting you on. Oh, yeah.

Or it's just toilet paper. Don't spend your time grabbing coins. Bills only. The coins are ricocheting off the side. It hurts so much. You're wearing goggles in. So that was your overheard.

That was my overheard. My overheard was a guy and he was singing to himself on the toilet and uh he sang and i wrote it down i was like remember to perform it perfectly i kissed a girl and i liked it what kind of restaurant was this oh it's just was just a regular, you know, like, what do you call it? Like, not an Earl's. It was Earl's.

I was like, not an Earl's, but Earl's? Was this at home in Calgary? This was in Calgary. Oh, yeah. I kissed a girl. I liked it. Wow, you had two holsters. You got those loaded up, huh?

Well, I knew that this was coming. So I woke up early this morning. I did my stretches. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from around the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Jill N. Didn't say where from. Mysterious Jill N

there's this coffee shop I go to sometimes and on multiple occasions I've seen this embarrassing 40 something year old man who wears wooden clogs and brings his own coffee cup made of Lego pieces

oh yikes boy they're tight yesterday I was seated so as to see his laptop screen, where he was working on a graphic that said, I'm not sure what I'm better at brewing, coffee or trouble.

Bumper sticker manufacturer. Fun. Yeah. And then he turned over the page, and there's a lot more pages he's working on. Yeah. See, because I have emotional problems. But I guess, is he any good at brewing coffee? He's buying it. That is exactly what I thought. is he any good at brewing coffee? He's buying it.

That is exactly what I thought. What he's good at is making coffee cups out of Lego. I guess so. That's not dishwasher safe because it will fall apart. What? That's got to be either too small, like narrow inside, or too big on the outside to carry. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Like narrow inside Or too big on the outside to carry Uh Hmm Yeah I don't know

I don't know I guess you could use thin pieces You could make a handle Yeah This is Lego you can make whatever you want Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah I saw a guy in a coffee shop

I saw similarly like a middle aged man Just eating a white bun A Kaiser bun in a coffee shop like that Like he gets a coffee Pulls out a bun out of a bag, just starts eating the bun. Not butter on it or anything, just a bun. I don't get... So inspiring. I found it

inspiring. I guess so. To live so free. Let's not worry about how anyone else has arranged these ideas. I'm just going to bring a loose white bun on my own to a coffee shop. It's not the weirdest combination of... It's a pretty inert well i think that's what i like about it it just has no it's so it's so unusual not not in a flair way he's just being

himself yeah yeah yeah that's true i'm jet lagged at the moment and i'm not i i haven't segmented my day in a way that i'm comfortable with because we we had coffee with this podcast yeah yeah yeah but before that i had chili so i went from coffee to chili to coffee which is uh like toilet time is what i'm come on i kissed the girl i liked it do i have another one no i tried to help you no we don't do toilet time here? There's no toilet in the house. On the show. Yeah, that's true.

It was a toilet-free zone. Although, didn't we have an episode just a few episodes ago where we talked about puking for most of the episode? Yeah, but that's allowed. You can puke into whatever you want. Yeah, but you can also puke into a toilet. I don't think so. You mostly bucket.

Do you guys actually have a rule on no toilet time? No, no. Well. We don't make it a point to get there, but if he's talking chili, coffee, and chili. Chili has nothing. Chili is like, it has nothing to do with that, man. Go on. Chili's just food.

Yeah. And coffee. Look. Coffee's just food that got turned into water coffee doesn't have that effect on me oh okay i'm i can uh like no spoilers i can drink a lot of coffee, nothing. Okay, all right. This next one comes from Diane in Wisconsin. Ooh. Cheese State? It's the Making a Murderer State.

Go Packers. Go Packers. Stay out of that Manitowoc County. Yeah, go to their rival county, Pompawattie. Yeah, Pompawattie. Pompawattie. What was the one with a P? Pomoni. Yeah, Pomoni County.

Yeah. P. So this overheard has a bit of background info. My boyfriend comes from Neenah, Wisconsin, a town historically known for lumber mills, paper mills, and a foundry that makes sewer grates and manhole covers oh cool interesting uh my boyfriend and i were driving around town with his three kids 11 9 and 7 years old in the back seat when we encountered an area of industrial stench my boyfriend joked you know kids nina is the Native American word for smelly paper mill. That classic old.

So the kids laughed a little, so I couldn't resist exploring the deep comedic potential of this subject a bit more. Really, I replied, I always heard that Nina was the Winnebago word for manhole cover. Surprisingly, at this remark, the kids laughed even harder, especially the nine-year-old boy. Then after a few seconds of silence my boyfriend's son asked me with complete sincerity diane wait are you talking about underpants a manhole cover that's pretty good yeah oh that's great from the mouth of babes right yeah wisdom wisdom and such i those moments where a person, a child, whatever, the information has been presented,

and there's that time when they think. The images that go through a person's head in those moments are so funny. He eventually says, we're talking about underpants. What are the images he sees? He's manhole covering. He's dealing with different shapes. He's trying to put different shapes he laughs

no one else laughed so he got a little yeah maybe I'm not maybe I'm wrong here I'm going to think of everything I know put this together I know about hole coverings I will be a man I hope not to lose this hole what do women have

and then that's a big question mark they have relaxin I know men I will be a man I hope not to lose this hole What do women have? And then that's a big question mark They have relaxin' Fact Look it up Nobody looked it up During the break They all just took it as gospel Should I look it up?

Will I find If I google it Will it just be like Some kind of google prank? It's like a It's like a bathroom I don't know Dave Is it a Google Easter egg?

Like if you Google roller coaster, you go on a roller coaster. Amazing. There are a few of those. Yeah. Lemon party. That was the famous one for me. Relaxin is a hormone produced by the ovary and the placenta. That's my relaxants.

Your success base? Yep. This last one comes from Christine S. I was waiting in line to board a ferry from the San Juan Islands to Anacortes. Washington State. When this came over the

loudspeaker. Attention, we have found a blue Jansport backpack that was left alone. We searched it and could not find an ID, but it's full of iPads, iPods, and other electronics. If you think this is your backpack, please come over to the office to collect it. Yeah, that's mine! Please come over to collect it and be arrested. But, like, yeah, you should have just said the overall description and have them tell you what's inside of it. Especially if you found some overalls.

Oh, yeah. We had some overalls turned in. We found an Oshkosh Bagosh backpack. Oshkosh Bagosh, The last word in overalls We found a Jansport Maybe an Eastpac We found some Dickies And an Oshkosh bagosh

Bunch of kushes in here Speaking of the San Juan Islands Yeah Or San Juan Island We, Graham and I were Guests on the Dollop podcast Oh yeah That had a story about.

Their longest episode yet, apparently. Yeah. It had a story about an island off of Washington State that had some history to it. I don't remember anything. But yeah, listen to that one. I remember it had a lot of things to do with sheep. It was the pig war. Oh, yeah.

Pigs. Yeah. But there was also sheep, wasn't there? Yeah, yeah. One pig died. Oh, yeah. Is. But there was also sheep, wasn't there? Yeah, yeah. One pig died. That's all the overheards from your end? You got it, daddy-o. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Gabe Lambers from Nashville, Tennessee. Just calling in with an overheard of the Kids Save the Darnedest variety. I was home for Christmas, and my girlfriend came with me for the first time. That's not that important to this story, other than the fact that my niece's, no, my cousin's kid, and I don't know what that makes her to me, came up to my girlfriend and said, hey, do you want to see my palace? And my girlfriend said, yeah, where is your palace and she made a you know gesture like a humping gesture

and pointed to her crotch area and said right here all right have a good one under my manhole cover wow yeah sassy kid. Your cousin's child. Is nothing to you. Is your first cousin once removed. It is nothing to you. That is not. I honestly, when I was a kid, I thought Einstein's theory of relativity was how all that worked. That's not true.

Is that true? Yes, it is. That's adorable. Well, I don't know what it is now. I just said everything's relative man It's all relative It's all relative But I thought it was like

How first and second cousins And the removed thing work I don't I still don't understand How that works Uh The We could use another Einstein

Am I right? Your cousins share Cousin First cousins share Grandparents Second cousins share Great grandparents And so forth

Your fourth cousins share Bones Mmm It's weird It's very It's crazy Second cousins share great grandparents And so forth Your fourth cousins share bones It's weird It's crazy, it comes all the way back around And removed is a generation Oh, it's a generation I thought it was So your cousins' kids are one

Your first cousins Once removed And in a conversation like this, instead of using You would say thrice, right? Once removed, twice removed, thrice. Because we're talking about old things. Yeah, old timey bones. But what is

your cousin's cousin not anything? The cousin of my cousin is my enemy. Oh, that's right. Your cousin's cousin, I don't know. That's the one that I was always confused about. Like, what is my cousin's cousin? And can I marry? Oh, because they're from the other side.

Yeah, what's hitchable distance? Yeah, exactly. Can I marry my cousin's cousin? If I've got a cousin thrice removed. I don't even think I've met a cousin's cousin. I have, and I didn't know what to do. Fall in love or shake a hand? I didn't know. When are you, love or shake a hand I didn't know

When are you When is it rude not to fall in love Yeah I guess it's true I guess it's never rude to fall in love It's only rude to make it official Here's your next phone call Hi Graham, Dave and Charming Guest I'm Dave from Oshkosh, Wisconsin

What? Oshkosh, Wisconsin I was taking my wife to the doctor And I walked past a woman Talking on her cell phone Like she was bucking up someone on the other end And she said No, no you're not

You're above average You're well above average Oh yeah You're super average Oh, brought well above average. Oh, yeah. You're super average. Oh, brought her up and then brought her back down. Zingo, zango. Bucking up someone on the other line.

Yeah, I really stuck on that. Buck up. Buck up. Buck up, chum. Yeah. Yeah. Chin up. Put your buck up.

So she's your fourth cousin. You can't marry her. Buck up. Buck up. Buck up. Buck up. Buck. Chin up. Hey. Put your buck up. So she's your fourth cousin. You can't marry her. Buck up. Buck up. Buck up. Buck up. Buck the fuck up. Buck the fuck up.

Buck that ass up. Yeah. Buck your ass up. Buck. Buck that ass up. I guess it's a Wisconsin thing. Yeah. It's also a deer thing.

Yeah. Well, the Milwaukee bucks. There we go. Oh, here we are. Okay, guys. Final overheard. So, hold on. The Milwaukee Bucks are all about getting people's moods up. Yeah, that's why they're masked as a real happy guy. Yeah, that's why they lose on purpose so often and make the other team feel good. Here's your final overheard of 2016. Hi, Dave and Graham

and probable guests. This is Michelle calling from North Carolina with an overheard. A while ago, my husband and I were visiting my parents in Maryland, and we went to their church up there with them. And in front of us sat an elderly couple and a little girl, I'm assuming their grandchild. And we eventually realized that she did not attend Catholic Mass regularly with them. At Catholic Mass, what they do is, before, you know, the body

or the bread becomes the body, they ring that little bell, like, ding-a-ling-a-ling, and so the priest is holding up the host, and they're about to he just says your body becomes he does all this stuff and then the bell rings and the little girl just turns to her grandmother and says

I need you to tell me what that means right now what is that and we could not stop laughing anyway that's it I don't think she did a great job of explaining it herself.

It sounds crazy. It does sound crazy. And if you don't want to be the body, just ring that bell, soldier. My dad is Catholic. And as a kid, we would go, we went to my mother's church which is the united church of canada which is like the least catholic church in the world

the lefty church it's the lesbian minister church it's all like and then we like once or twice a year we would go to my dad's church and it it was like, everything is chanted. Yeah. It's a lot of call and repeat. It's a lot of, they say this, then you say that. And I think one time one of us went,

like we didn't all go with my dad during pro-life Sunday. Jesus. Oh boy. And there was nothing like, you know, uh, uh, weird about it. It was nothing, like, you know, weird about it. It was just, the only thing that stuck with us is that the minister or priest started a sentence with, on this pro-life Sunday.

And so now anytime we talk to my dad about church, was it pro-life Sunday? And so now anytime we talk to my dad about church, was it pro-life Sunday? Yeah, and then you got to go up and you got to do the, it's usually grape juice. They don't do wine anymore. I think they do in Catholic mass. Nah, because there's lots of people. They don't want if you're like an alcoholic. They do the old take the.

You go up there, you do a dipsy doodle. You do a dipsy doodle, you do a do-si-do. Give me an old how's your father? Yeah, it is. The first couple of times I went to math, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know what was going on. But don't you have to... You're not... If you're...

Oh, boy. Glass is a liquid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It's liquid all the way down, man. If you're just visiting, you don't do the whole host. Yeah, they give you

a visiting sweater. You sit in the away section. But isn't your first communion a big deal? Yeah, no, you don't just go in there and just wing it. They give you the water before you turn it into wine.

It's just a sign. Okay, right now, you're still learning about how we did this, so we're just going to give you the water before you turned it into wine. It's just a sign, okay, right now, you're still learning about how we did this, so we're just going to give you the water. This is the home team. You're visiting.

And also with you. And also with you. And you can stay in a different locker room after the game. After the game. Oh, boy. It's not a game, all right?

Now, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. We did it And you are such a great guest It was genuinely such a pleasure to be here I love this podcast I love your wonderful community that you have around this show Oh man now you're part of it

Welcome in Now do you have things Well if people want to know things About you or follow you Do you have anything out there to entertain the people? Yeah, totally. Part of HitBank, the two-man group we were talking about before, we made a web series called Pitch Men, which we released late 2015.

Were we ever so young? Yeah. The thing that really stood out to me about the pitching thing is I was just telling you guys this before, but Peter, the last guest, I think to do with posting this episode that he was on, this video he did with us last year, got on Reddit somehow, and is now the most popular video we've ever made by an enormous margin. That's the internet, man. I can't believe it. Your explanation is just as clear as the heavenly host

sort of a long story but yeah heavenly host it's a bread and it's toast and we're drinking the wine and look at this guy he's almost rhyming words catholic church oh dave is a pro-life sunday already you know what it is it's ukrainian christmas oh merry shumka to you thank you um go on yes sorry i was gonna say hit bang on youtube we're doing the if you're in vancouver we're doing the uh sketch fest here this coming week which is the second week of january and also just for laughs northwest in february where's your show uh the just for laughs we're doing two shows they're both at uh the Improv Center on Granville Island, where we both perform as part of Theater Sports League.

Beautiful. Jokes, you guys. Aren't they good? Jokes are the best. Oh, boy. And where can people find you? You're on Twitter? Yeah, it's Tom Hill.

It's Tom Hill, everybody. I'm sure you know this pain of there being a million people that have your name. Yeah, well, I got Graham Clark on Twitter, but on Instagram I had to rejig. You're just Bayham Clark. Yeah, I'm Bayham Clark. Christian Bayham Clark. I have a couple shows coming up.

This week, I think, when this comes out, on the 13th. Sure. Ring-a-ding-dong-dandy. What is that? First wrestling clip show of the new year. Me and Ryan Beal chatting up, making fun of old classic wrestling clips in the comfort of Little Mountain Gallery. So you don't have to go, you don't have to go, we're not doing it outside. We're not doing it at the symphony where you feel like you have to dress up.

Yeah, but you should bring a coat. It's not a bad idea to bring a coat. You don't have to go sit on an airplane next to someone watching a butt movie. Yes. I'm just trying to relax here. I'm Frasier Crane and I'm trying to enjoy my flight. It's like Frasier Crane

sitting next to me. And then on the 22nd at Hot Art Wet City, I'm doing a show called Graham Clark's YouTube Rabbit Hole. Oh. That's all clips where I've watched a clip

and then I watched another clip based on that clip and down and down and down the rabbit hole we go. Wow. And there's some weird stuff I found, man. Real weird. The deep web. Yeah weird the deep web yeah the deep web yeah

all on youtube can i tell you the ending of uh straight out of compton uh does it flash forward to today and they're all sitting around they're like we straight up got out of cheers on venice beach did It is a cheesy ending Yeah Cause it's Dr. Dre Leaving Death Row Records Where just as he's about to start His own company

Aftermath Sure With Slim Shady Yeah Etc The OB Tries And Shug Knight is asking him Like he's leaving the company

And he's walking away. Oh yeah, what are you going to call your new company? And he literally turns back to the camera and says, Aftermath. But I thought he was going to turn back to the camera and say, Beats by Dre. Yeah, like. What are you going to call your company? Dr. Dre's Funtime Music Company. Funtime Jamboree.

Dr. Dre's Funtime Family Jamboree Albums. Dr. Dre has a good time making music, so you should too. Come on, hey, it's good times. Dr. Dre's medical school. Oops. I'm not an actual doctor. Uh,

I don't know. I'll probably promote Dr. Pepper at some point. It just gives a play by play. Huh? Um, uh, yeah.

Well, thanks for being our guest. Oh, my distinct pleasure. Thank you for listening. The pleasure was all mine. It was distinct. If you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org.

Check out the blog recap of pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Wigfields, probably. Oh, yeah, Wigfields, for sure. Maybe that ending of Straight Outta Compton if it's online somewhere. The Big Short. The Big Short. Yeah, we

make sure we Star Wars. Make sure we promote all the movies. Leading up. If Star Wars wins I'm going to leave the universe. I'm going to a different universe. Would this be a fun skit? Kylo Ren and Kylo Stimpy?

Yeah, that's pretty good. Where did the laughs go? Oh, you must be thinking about a manhole cover right now. And if you like the show, please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported