Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 410 - Kevin Lee

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

Kevin Lee of the Sunday Service returns to talk wedding planning, bad food gone bad, and Beatles cover bands.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 410 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who likes to move it, move it, move it, move it, move it. He likes to move it. Dave Shumka.

Really hung me out to dry there. You pointed at me. I didn't know my line. Oh, well, I thought you knew the song from 10 minutes ago. Yeah, we listened to the Madagascar version of I Like to Move It, Move It by Sacha Baron Cohen. I like it better than the original version. I mean, it's basically the same version. Yeah, although the baby, Margot,

does not care for the original version so much. Really? Yeah. Huh. I wonder if they know certain instruments kids like. No, there's subliminal baby things that they do. Ah, diapers, diapers. And if you play it backwards, it's Satan.

Oh, yeah. Satan singing a lullaby. But babies love Satan. Like, the first few years, your baby is mostly controlled by Satan. Yeah, that's true. That's why you have to get them christened or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Because they're so obsessed with Satan.

I smashed a bottle of champagne across her butt. I christened the... Yeah, sent her out to sea. And our guest today, returning guest, one of our all-time faves, comedian here in town, member of the Sunday Service,

Mr. Kevin Lee is our guest. Hello. Hello. How's it going, guys? How's it going? Oh, crap. Screws it up in the first word. Well, I've lost everybody forever. Oh, crap. Screws it up in the first word. Well, I've lost everybody forever.

Well, bye. Do you have any stones and pockets and bodies of water and walking? It took me a while, but I got there. It took me a while, too. Pockets. Yeah. Not just a coat. Just put stones in your pocket

Is that still a feasible suicide? Just to walk into the ocean with a coat full of stones? I've never heard that before Is that an old I think that's how Virginia Woolf died Really? Surprisingly, not by wolves And not in Virginia

No, definitely not People just get renamed by the place and the way they die. Yeah. Kitchen shitting. Kitchen shitting. So in your scenario, would Virginia Woolf have had a different name until she died? Yeah, it was Diane Sawyer. Which is actually her mother's name because she died in Diane, Washington.

Yeah. And she was killed by Sawyer from Lost. A beautiful jawline of his. Oh, boy. He's on a new show or something. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us yeah yeah it's really picked up since that uh suicide talk i wasn't sure i wasn't sure if we were starting on a good note but now

now i'm convinced yeah you gotta start in the basement if you want to get to the attic what so givenly uh how are things well things are good yeah yeah uh you're you're re you're all resettled back in uh canada because the last time i think we had you on you just moved back yes right dirt shirt um dirt shirt that's right i still have no idea how i didn't get that. Yeah, so moved back and kind of settling in. My fiance is back in town. So she lives here now. It's weird to feel like I need to describe that. When is the wedding?

That is a good idea to find out. We are currently vetting a few days Just making sure There were no assassinations No Hitler births Right Yeah you're like October 31st

We've got circled I don't know I can't think of anything That's going on then Already dressing up As a bride and groom What famous assassinations Would you not want

Your wedding And what assassinations Would you be okay with Before Well we have a long list of both JFK no Bobby K Yes

Archduke Ferdinand maybe Yeah definitely That's like It's kind of like Franz Ferdinand So we put that on there It was him Yeah

It was him That's yeah Because he said Take me out He's asking the assassin To do it Come on Gavrilo Prinkip

Was a black hand Pretty good Yeah well it set off It was the Balkan Powder well, it set off a... It was the Balkan powder keg. It set off World War I, guys. You don't forget a thing like that. It's the only thing that Margot really likes,

is World War I history. Oh, boy, and I like to move it, move it. Yeah, you talk about different armies moving into different territories. Play that song, and then do a slideshow. So what have you narrowed it down to? How many dates? We were thinking of

we were thinking of like August of next year but we were just sort of become a thing where like. August of next year? This year. Oh boy.

Oh my God all my checks are still 2015. All the checks I signed for the bus driver. 275. Hey could you wait till the end of the week to cash this?

Happy old year. Yeah. Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash because you wrote the wrong year on it. Your calendar can't cash. Yeah, so we thought we're thinking August, but we were like doing the planning and like parents are committing certain amounts of money,

which is really generous. But it got to be that thing where, I say that thing as if it's, I don't know, but it's my first wedding, so I don't know if it's like a real common thing of just like planning and realizing that it's costing so much money for this like one moment like it's one moment and it's like super selfish like i don't know just this thing of like oh we're spending tens of thousands of dollars potentially on like a dinner that's like everyone look at us here's a slideshow of us as dumb kids look at this it's like oh my god it just though halfway through that i'd be like us is so dumb yeah what are we doing but you know when you see like somebody jumping

over like on a motorcycle jumping over a bunch of cars that costs a lot of money and that's just one moment that's how i'm walking up the aisle. Jumping a bunch of cars. No, it is that thing. Yeah. Cause it's, but like it's one day and it's all, all the money is gone after that. You're like, oh, I'm still horribly in debt. What the fuck is going on in my life so we're trying to find a way to pare that way down while still satisfying you know family expectations and certain things but like try and have a there's like elopement doesn't mean apparently doesn't mean just like

running away to city hall and getting married in secret anymore it's just kind of like word for like lower key oh oh really yeah so we would say like the elope is just like oh we just had like some friends and family and we rented a restaurant. We rented a bouncy castle and a bunch of baby oil and just got married. And just got fucking wasted. Bruised and married.

But like, is that the wedding industrial complex? They're like, we gotta get in on this eloping. Yeah. They're like, make your eloping. You need eloping. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, make your eloping. You need an elopement manager. Get some eloping photos. Well, the whole thing in that is that just you need like an excesus agent to just make everything secret.

You still have your same wedding, but you have to have this extra level of secrecy. Just basically just put like a tarp over your bouquet. A little like keep out fence Around your Buffet Well who's to say What that bride Is carrying up the aisle Under that tarp And who's to know

No one will know Yeah so Damn girl I'd love to see Under that tarp That tarp would look Good on my bedroom floor Jeez

Cause my roof Sprung a leak Under all that tarp Cause I like to have Real gross sex I'm a real wet I'm a real wet sleeper let's put it that way i pee i pee outside the bed um so you want like a small uh yeah something smaller and just more intimate and fun i guess i don't know yeah here in town yeah in town for sure i

want it to be like a destination like just we don't want to force anyone to have to like go anywhere pay too much money to do anything real frugal do you feel like you're super involved in the wedding planning this is part of the problem is that i haven't been uh i kind of don't i kind of take a little bit of a back seat marie looks up a bunch of stuff and is like oh i think these are like good ideas i'm like yes no no yes what were you thinking that's a great thought like i'm just like such an asshole and she's just like great this is great for me have you thought about a sponsored wedding oh get red bull to sponsor it and then you guys get married in the atmosphere like falling or still jumping over those cars yeah just get sponsored

just might turn my name to wise hall decapitation do you promise to love her with wings and without

Red Bull yeah or yeah incorporate as many like corporate sponsors into your vows as possible

yeah baby once I popped with you, I couldn't stop. Oh, yeah. And ever since I met you, I wanted to taste the rainbow. And I bet you bite a chip. And siempre tu amore. Instead of siempre Coca-Cola, I think. Yeah, always.

You were getting married in Cabo. Okay. Yeah, but, well, that's fun. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. Always You were getting married in Cabo Yeah but Well that's fun That's gonna be fun It's gonna be fun Yeah I'm still really excited about it I just need to start pulling my weight a little bit more

And we just start to need to make decisions Can we talk about your weight? Oh god Last night The Sunday service happened last night And I Sometimes we eat before the show Like we get there

And I We hang out on stage until about 8.30 And we leave And I don't like doing that And I especially don't like eating in front of on stage while people are like coming in and sitting down especially since i eat usually at like buddy's burritos because it's cheap but it's like a big bowl of like slop like their food is this looks like how it comes out it's gross but oh man but i said can we talk about your weight i had nothing in mind. Kevin went right into it. I'm getting somewhere.

I go upstairs into the backstage of the Fox Theater and I eat it alone looking at my phone because everyone hangs out on stage. Then I could hear them through the screen because the backstage is like it's backstage and then there's the movie screen because it's an old porn theater and then the stage. I could hear them talking and then I just

kept hearing Caitlin go, can we talk about Kevin's weight? Can we talk about him he's gotten fat he's fat i'm pretty sure she was saying that because she knew i could hear her but i don't know for sure was everyone piling on no i think it was mostly her okay she was she was having you on i think she was having me on what uh so What? The Sunday service improv troupe usually just eats their dinner in front of everyone. That's the full whole first half of the show. It's just us eating.

Oh, you chicken finger. I feel like a pig. I feel like a suckable pig. Turns us on. We get real turned on. We get off on that. Sometimes people eat before they get there for a sound check, and some people do not.

So the crowd is coming in, and it's very old show business, like old, old show business before they came up with showmanship. Yeah, and backstages. Just a big cloth napkin tucked in eating a turkey leg. Stuff all over the face. Medieval show business. Medieval show medieval show business yeah i don't know like it just kind of became a thing where everyone likes to hang out on stage until fairly close to showtime leave we do our warm-ups and stuff and then go back on stage but uh i couldn't eat that close to doing a show like right before a show because i get

you know sometimes i'll go do, like, a corporate thing, and they'll be like, do you want to eat? And I'm like, ah, what? Like, the last thing I want to do after eating is do anything. What would be the worst thing to do right before going on stage? Oh, like, I think, like, slamming something

back, like, you know, a whole can of something. A whole can of lamb blood or something yeah it's like a nice tin you do have it canned now uh i don't know what would be that it was like eating would eating be worse than barfing or would having sex be the worst thing to be oh yeah having sex would be the worst although rock stars do it yeah but they've got some other weird cause like I would just like come out on stage

and be like I'd come out on stage and be like I can do better I can do better you got off easy you just start the show as sorry and that doesn't normally happen conquering's not supposed to fall off

I don't know how that works I don't know either it's not supposed to fall off I don't know how that works I don't know either it's not supposed to fall off I ordered one two sizes too big I ordered a medium I thought I'd grow into it I thought it would shrink in the wash what do we think

a cock ring is we are flying it's like doesn't it keep the blood in What do we think a cock ring is? Okay, we are flying. I love this. It's like, doesn't it keep the blood in? Because otherwise blood just pours out everywhere. Horrifying. Yeah, it's like a tourniquet. Cock rings are not supposed to fall off when the person just comes out covered in blood.

That was terrible Scary I think a cock ring is kind of like when You want your cock to marry another cock Yes with this ring I'd be wet Through thickness and thin Yeah Ashes to ashes That's when you die

Yeah I think it's a thing people have a hard time Keeping it going That's when you die. Yeah. I think it's a thing people have a hard time keeping it going. Keeping it jacked. Keeping it cranked. Keeping it cranked. Does it go around everything? That? I don't know.

Like around your waist? It just keeps the blood in the lower half of your body. Yeah. You're completely fast. Your legs are all red and your like torso super legs are like rigid straight you can like see your heart beating through your ribs you're just barely making sentences yeah you're like i didn't read the directions moving moving on to uh yeah pretty good wedding thing yeah

getting married this damn wedding thing um yes getting married that's one thing do you have tips for that uh dave as being a married man oh take a minute for yourself yeah Enjoy the day. Yeah. Yeah. Um, uh, no, I was sort of like, yeah, I was sort of hands off. Yeah. In the planning. I was like, sure, whatever. Yeah. Um, but, uh, yeah, I don't, uh, I mean, just like have, have fun, man. Yeah.

I really did. Like there's. Did you have a big wedding? Like, was there a lot of people? There were about 80. Okay. So. Sounds like what ours is going to end up being like. Yeah would like it to be it was a little destination it was like

you know on an island but it was a local island yeah and it was taking notes i'm just going to copy it sure yeah uh but uh yeah i don't know real advice okay um just do it yeah yeah like what about married life as a married man? What changes? Nothing. Cock rings? Oh, you know what? It's like not an overnight light switch thing,

but it's like eventually you get used to like saying the word my wife. And not. And then eventually shedding the. The Borat. The Borat, yeah. My wife. Sorry. And then as you have a child, learn different sasha baron cohen things

it's just like there's a sasha baron cohen for every stage of every stage of it's like the riddle of the sphinx um what has a mustache at birth will the beast at lunch yeah did you think uh Did you ever think you were going to get married? Or is this like... Yeah, sorry. Come on, Kevin. Spit it out. And I was pretty sure it was in Hugo at night.

Because I'm pretty sure he's in that. Yeah, he is. Sorry, what was the question? No, don't worry about it. Making that gem. Did you think you would ever get married? Like, is this something that you thought? Yeah. In the long run, you were like, yeah, I'm going to it. Making that gem. Did you think you would ever get married? Like, is this something that you thought in the long run? You were like, yeah, I'm going to get married at some point.

When I was younger, I thought I would be alone forever, as you do when you're... In your 20s? Yeah, my 20s and 30s. Up until I proposed, I was like, I'm going to be alone forever. Oh, maybe not! Later at the end of the tunnel! Yeah, maybe not! Yeah, I don't know

I guess I just always kept it open as a little boy does it I cause it feels like girls always have an idea

that well I as a kid I assumed I would but it was never like a thought in my mind of like what

what's that gonna be like yeah but I was like oh yeah yeah I just I never i don't know i guess never thought about it you know like but then you talk to a lot of women and they thought about it since not all but some since they were kids sure had that idea of like wedding day and being but like why why don't guys maybe guys do It's funny though because like I remember

Assuming I would be a professional athlete And the last thing you want to do Is get married I'm getting married to high If I'm marrying anything it's my high ally scoop Yeah oh boy Yeah what did I just assume when I was a kid Was going to be

Something that was in my future? I assumed at some point in my life I would have lived in a house that had a slide. Sure. And that has never come to fruition. Yeah, kids designing that feature in a house, unfortunately, as an adult, it never, like, even as a kid, I visited many houses and never saw the slide. No, and then if you see it in a thing, like some millionaire builds a slide in his house, you're like, what an idiot. But as a kid, you're like, perfect.

You're doing it right. You're remembering your roots. But is he a guy who has to wear a suit to work every day? Because that's hard. What if you slide into the suit? You get your suit in there. Oh, my God. This guy has thought of everything.

Why can't I plan a wedding this year on CBC? a slide into the suit. You get your suit in there. Oh my God, this guy has thought of everything. Got it. Why can't I plan a wedding this year on CBC? Why can't I plan a wedding is the name of the show? Another poorly lit show where everyone has the same hair.

Well, I'm more into the slide thing. Yeah. Yeah. Because if you have a slide in your house, you have more than

one floor, obviously. Yeah. And how are you getting up to the top of the slide? Probably you have to slide in your house, you have more than one floor, obviously. Yeah. And how are you getting up to the top of the slide? Probably you have to walk up, right? You put a trampoline at the bottom of the slide. You slide down. It's angled properly. You just bounce off that right to the top of the slide again.

Are you doing the slide for fun, or is it just like, oh, I got to go down to the kitchen and get something? Oui. Both. It's utilitarian and for fun. I think that that was an irritated oui, too. Oui. Oh, I forgot.

I guess a slide would get annoying after a while. I gotta put on pants. I can't just go down on my boxers. Tumble down head first. Screech to all. Abby, get the oil. Yeah, exactly. Or do you have a parallel, like, water slide?

But if that's the case. Oh, yeah. Well, then you wouldn't have to shower in the morning. Just go down a slide. Soapy water slide. Yeah, just roll around in it as you're sliding down. That's pretty good. Uh-huh.

Yeah. So your slide, okay. So now we have a regular slide and a water slide yeah so we've got two slides but that's a big production as well oh my god is it ever and like your whole house would be kind of like you know humid because you're running a water slide 24 hours would you also have a fire pole oh yeah and are we talking on the on the regular slide are we talking like a ball pit at the end or like a foam pit like in a Christmas story? Or wood chips like a playground?

Or like a hamster's cage? Just a bunch of hamsters? Slide straight into them? Free range hamsters in your house? Well, I mean, if this guy's got two slides and a fireball, why not? A free range hamster pit? Get a bunch of hamsters and pay off the animal cruelty people. But the thing about a free-range,

free-range hamsters are just vermin. Oh, yeah, that's true. But their eggs are so much better. Hamster eggs. Just got to shave them. Yeah, pardon me? Oh, I was just, yeah, no. They're living babies. I didn't say anything.

So, going to be a married man So, gonna be a married man. Gonna be a married man. Also talking, like starting talk. That begets the talk about family and starting a family. Oh, yeah. So, also wondering if you have any tips for that. Like, where does the penis go? Yeah.

Well, first in the ring. First goes into the ring. Yeah. Well, I mean, like in a boxing match. Yeah. Oh, yes. Okay. First goes into the ring.

Yeah. Well, I mean, like, in a boxing match. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if they have for the... Cock rings for boxers? Or for guys who are into MMA, do they have an octagon? Oh, yeah. A cocktagon.

That'd be great. Yeah, that is pretty good. Just branded, like, branded things. UFC brand cocktagons? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was the, what were the, Tap Out? Tap In.

The other brand. Oh, No Fear? No. Oh, what was the other brand? Tap Out. And then some meathead screaming at his iPod right now. What was the other one? Surely we should come up with just a funny fake one.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I want to come up with the real one. Tap out. Oh, tap out and jizz queens. Jizz queens? Jeez. I did it, guys.

You did it. You did it. I like adrenaline. What was it? Oh, it's gay rights. Tap out and just... Alright, well, I'm sorry. We'll never figure this out. We'll never. Somebody will.

Hire a Skywriter. Oh, yeah. If you ever want to correct us on anything, just hire a Skywriter. We don't check our tweets or email or Facebook. But you got to make sure you do it on a cloudless day because otherwise, why bother? It's like...

Were you saying something? No, no, no. Okay. I was just, I was thinking about other things that, like, a rich guy who would do things that a kid would think were awesome. Oh, okay. Like buying the Batmobile or something. Or have a bunch of slides in his house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The family talk has started. How many kids are in your family? Three. Including yourself. I almost said two. Three. Yeah, including me.

Two older sisters. Including the kid in the attic. Including my absorbed twin. Eight. Zuh. I consumed six in the womb that's why I'm so fat you're having six

oh quid tuplets four tuplets three tuplets twosies one giant baby one giant insatiable baby oh he's eating the placenta hey we were gonna do that hey he ate my arm One giant baby? One giant insatiable baby. Oh, he's eating the placenta.

Hey, we were going to do that. Hey, he ate my arm. Don't let him eat it, doctor. What? So, is that a thing? I came from, I'm the youngest of four. Oh, yeah. And I always assumed, oh, I'll have four kids as well.

But now it's a, that seems like a crazy idea. Do you know how many you would like to have? Um, as many until you get it right. Oh boy. Margo, real piece of work that one.

Um, I don't know. Two sounds good. Yeah. But like four still sounds great. Yeah. Four is a, that's a brood at that point. Then it's like you should start a family business or something. My eldest sister has five kids.

Really? Yes. Wow. Where does she live? She lives that way. She lives up like Mount Pleasant area. Okay. Yeah.

Wow. Five kids. Five children. Yeah. Oldest, what's the span? Oldest one is actually just in their second semester at university. And then their youngest one is just wrapping up med school. How does that work?

Yeah, that's true. The youngest one's a real smart. She's like 11 or 13 or something. I don't know. They keep her under a tarp so you don't even know if there is a kid no um uh yeah so that's a range that's a good range yeah uh yeah so it seems like it seems like that kind of thing where it's like five kids it's kind of fun to see like that many kids and like just all their interactions like a big family is like fun to be around but just like managing that as a parent and also managing it with all the

other practical concerns money um roofs shelves clothing on backs back clothing chore wheels yeah yeah mouths to feed yeah placentas cock rings cock rings well though you just need the one for you then you don't you don't have to provide for provide for your... It's an heirloom that you hand down. Yeah, this, my grandfather had this in World War I. It only became relevant recently. Here is the cock-to-gun. Yeah.

Yeah, how many kids would you like to have? Yeah, two seems like a good number, I think. But only if they're a boy-girl. Oh, yeah, that's true. Boy-boy, no. It's fight to the death. But only if they're a boy girl. Oh yeah. If it's boy boy. No. It's fight to the death. Yeah. Post birth absorption happening.

It's legal for the first few years. But like once they're in their teens, it's murder. Yeah. Yeah. This is the stuff I need to know. It's the stuff they don't write books about. You need to release a book.

Oh, they don't write books about it. No. Yeah. Oh, right. Like if you do it, the ink disappears. You're going to release a book Oh they don't write books about it No yeah Oh right Like it's If you do it The ink disappears

The pen The pen knows And starts Putting out invisible ink Yeah Or does the book reject The Or it just won't print off

Oh okay The pen knows Listen to this jag off They don't write books with pens Oh yeah That's true well maybe you know there's got to be some guys who write uh doesn't quentin tarantino like write all the scripts freehand or something like that yeah i guess something like that there's somebody who still does stephen king maybe that guy that writes the game of thrones he's taken forever. He must write in pen. Yes. Yeah.

The quill. Quill and... Yes, the quills. A can of lamb blood. And a lamb quill. Yeah, that's what I take to go to sleep at night. Lamb quill.

Don't count sheep. Lamb quill. Good stuff. I should write ads. And you're going to start working as a copy ads and you're going to start working as a as a copywriter you're going to be an

ad man finally have a something of a grown up job for a bit yeah so for a bit you're not

counting your chickens yeah I'm not having any confidence in myself yeah yeah so I'm going to be starting work doing copywriting

at an ad agency agency an age agency an agency an old ad agency. Agency. An age agency. An agency. An old ad agency. What the hell? I feel like I've got to keep going to delegitimize this terrible weirdo.

What are you doing? I'm trying to bail myself out here. Is this a suit and tie kind of job, or is it kind of more casual, artistic? I think it's kind of casual. Yeah. I think the creatives don't have to. I don't even think executives anymore have to wear suit and ties anymore. No, I know.

It's weird. Who wears suit and ties? Certainly, like, a lawyer. Justin Timberlake. Jinx. Private Jinx. The guy from the Jinx. Yeah, Robert Durst.

Robert Durst's brother wears a suit. Lawyers. Lawyers from Making a Murderx. Yeah, Robert Durst. Robert Durst's brother wears a suit. Lawyers. Lawyers from Making a Murderer. Yeah, absolutely. This is my view of the adult world. Yeah, any true crime people, I'll add none. Probably a lot of CEOs don't wear suits anymore. Because, like, the big CEOs, they can wear whatever the fuck they want.

I guess so. And I guess they don't want to wear suits. Yeah. Oh, the show Suits. Yes, the show um the show suits yes the guys from suits the show white collar oh oh yeah yeah okay uh blazer uh blazer blazer aficionado magazine i was gonna say blink 182 but they said to take off your pants and jacket right yeah don't put on it they're the opposite they were they were were at the forefront of that movement. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but isn't it like now like you go to the bank and the tellers are all wearing ties. Yeah. Although Teller from Penn and Teller doesn't wear a tie. Oh. That's a disappearing act. Yeah. I guess magicians don't wear tuxedos anymore.

I think Teller does wear a tie. act yeah i guess magicians don't wear tuxedos anymore i think teller does wear a tie it would probably be a i'd be fine with it either way because it would probably be a job hazard for teller do you know that pendulet dies in pennsylvania in a shaving accident really well done i was i was locked and loaded to be like He died? But you know he will someday Yeah As will we all So say we all

You have like a You've had a series of different kinds of jobs Kevin's drinking so many fluids Is this what you would consider your first like You've had a series of different kinds of jobs. Kevin's drinking so many fluids. Is this what you would consider your first, like, career kind of job? Yeah, I think so. Definitely. And it's the first job in a while that's not in some level of customer service,

which I'm looking forward to because guess what, customers? Fuck you. You are absolutely wrong all of the time. 100% of the time. Yeah. time yeah because yeah you used to work uh you did like call center work i worked in a call center i worked at i worked in clothing retail as somebody with no style and a terrible body no no charisma or charm like they tell you they tell you when they go in like for customers to like initiate a conversation, like it's to like go and compliment them on something they have. Like, oh, that's a really nice bag.

Or like, oh, cool shirt. For me, it just seemed like people would be like, yeah. Could not sell that line. They look at me and be like, he does not know what that means. Yeah. Are you being sarcastic? I, yeah.

No, I get that. Oh, cool pepper spray. I get that as a customer sometimes, and I believe them. I'm like, oh, yeah, this is a cool shirt. Thanks. Where did I get it? You want to know where I got it? Not here.

I was in a store, like one of those stores that you feel when you go in that you're not cool enough to be in. Like, it's like, you know, they've got like. Like a taco time cantina. They got grown up slides. BK Lounge. Grown up slides. Yeah, the BK Lounge. That's where it was.

You know, it's like very minimalist and they've got, you know, like nice canvas backpacks. Oh, yeah. You know, like something like where it's all artisanal. You just feel like if you like touch one of those backpacks, you like take your hand away and inexplicably there'd be like mayonnaise on the bag you'd be like what did i just bought this i'm such a scumbag and the the lady who was working there came over and said uh so what's up that was that was the that was her opener and i was like i'm not i'm not here to steal if that's what you're Insinuating Not a crime Because I cannot do the times

I always felt like If you ever go to Like a fancy boutique You can tell That you got ripped off Because By the quality of the bag That you take away

Like if it's got Like really nice Rope handles Then you're like Oh no I paid too much Yeah You're like

Well this bag Is as nice as the bag inside the bag. My fingers feel too good after this. There's moisturizers in that little bit of rope. Squirting keels on my hands. Oh, it's just like some kind of woven aloe. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I can't stay in those stores very long

because I feel like an alarm's going to go off. This guy, get this guy out yeah no no you didn't know how to answer what's up yeah what's up uh bindle alert bindle alert can i try on this shirt in the uh change room and then wrap a bunch of clothes inside the shirt i just want to see how it works with both i'm gonna use it for both uh anyways yeah i'll just keep shopping at winners man nobody comes up and asks you what your what your business is at winners you could be there all day nobody will come up to you i think they're coming by and they're like excuse me and they just hang up put a spatula back yeah exactly

but I don't think I've ever been helped at uh oh yeah Winners is like a TJ Maxx for the non-Canadian yeah but it's uh

I wonder if you could go if you had trash if you could go into a store like that and just leave it there it becomes like a nationwide craze of reverse shoplifting yeah where you just bring your trash to a

store put an absurd price tag on it 900 899 dollars 95 cents whoa i like this idea yeah yeah just take your trash to the store and then they've got a deal with it um that's that's that's a lot easier than putting it on the street. Yeah. Yeah, for free. For free. Dumping it in the sewer. Yeah.

Dumping all your old report cards. That's the first thing that popped in my head is old garbage you might have around that. Someone once dumped an Ikea table in our alleyway and it's still there in components like a year later parts of it have folded in yeah but i wonder if i can take it back to ikea now and be like you may like something's wrong yeah this doesn't work it was fine in the box but when i put it together look what happened i lost the receipt yeah there's yeah and i think

the instructions had to douse it in water every day every day for a year except for a very dry three months oh yeah but is it started to pulp because all the ikea stuff is like particle no it's great free paper all right okay solid solid wood well if you take the pulp and then... Press it, press it. Would either of you go in a store that had a sidewalk sign that said free paper? Just said free paper? Yeah, like with an arrow. It's a Scientology center. Yeah.

So can I get the free paper? Just wait a second. Yeah, just hold these two cans. These two cans of lamb's blood. Yeah. That's horrible. Yeah, they're electrified lamb's blood. Oh, you got wants and needs.

I don't know. I don't know. I forget how the E-meter test works. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, guys, I'm glad to be back here in Canada. Yep. After a long sojourn. Well, yeah.

No, we've done a few episodes. We've been back. But I had one, like when we got back from Christmas break, it's been real up and down. There was one day when I was home alone and we didn't have any food in the house. And I was like, oh, I'll make some Kraft dinner. Kraft macaroni and cheese for the non-Canadian in the audience. Yeah, yeah. And it's a box of macaroni with powdered cheese and like traditional, like the, the craft brand.

People aren't familiar. Like macaroni is kind of like a rolled up chip. That's uncooked. It's small. And it's usually from Italy. Yup. Yup. Okay.

And, oh yeah, this is, this is This is craft I'm not doing like an Annie's Yeah cause sometimes people are like I'm having These rabbit shaped things

I'm like no no no No no no That powder is much too high class And I made it And I've never had this happen But I made it And it like Tasted off

I checked the milk. The milk was fine. The butter was fine. And the macaroni and cheese had expired in 2014. What? How did it taste off? Like what was off about it? I couldn't tell you.

Like it wasn't, it just didn't taste normal. Right. Like it normally does. Okay. So I don't know. I guess maybe the cheese went bad. Yeah. Weird. So I only had like two or three bites of it before seeing that and then i had the rest but it was like it was just like the worst feeling because i mean like i know this is bad food yeah

and then i'm i find out that the bad food has gone bad no no you do you trick your body into thinking it's good by setting all your clocks back to 2014, watching only things from 2014. Yeah, sure. Just doing all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now I'm desperately thinking, trying to think of what came out in 2014. Oh, boy.

The first season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, probably. No, that was 2015, I think. U-571? Yeah. The conversation. Yeah, I think. U-571? Yeah. The conversation. I was desperately waiting for Jimmy Fallon to take over from Jay Leno. The Model T? T.

Oh, yeah, T. Model T and then T. T came out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So this was something that you bought ages ago and had sat here, or you just bought it from a store? Oh, I bought it ages ago, and I assumed. I actually, that day, I was like, oh, I don't think we have any Kraft dinner. I haven't eaten it in a long time.

Why would we have any? Like, I haven't seen it in the pantry. Yeah. Oh, there it is. And I cook, cook, cook. Mix, mix, mix, mix. Yeah, yeah. Chew, chew, chew.

Feel weird, weird, weird. Yeah, I feel likew, chew, chew. Feel weird, weird, weird. Yeah, I feel like I have it once, kind of once a year-ish. The out-of-the-box. Oh, really? Just once a year? I don't think that I eat it, well, maybe two or three times a year. But I don't make a habit of it because it's pretty rough on the old body. And it's definitely a thing where as i as i get older

cooking those packages i used to eat like all of it and once and then now i'm getting to the point where i'm like i shouldn't do that like i know that that's way too much pasta yeah yeah it's like a pasta goo pasta and orange goo yeah and also like the fact that those cut Like that color doesn't exist really in nature Outside of like poisonous mold It exists in like cheddar cheese Oh yeah, I guess But is that natural?

How does that turn orange? Yeah, how does that turn orange? Yeah, cheese fuckers Tell us right now You explain yourselves Write it in the sky with skywriting In orange skywriting And you bcc on me me on that please because i don't want to be a part of these reply all i don't want to know that

i'm part of it but i want to see it um wait no that's not how it works never mind yeah i've and i've i've definitely eaten expired that like that genre of food because like what what could be so bad about it that's exactly i'm like this isn't this isn't food anyways so yeah like who cares yeah you do go through a little bit of equivocating in your mind yeah like i always wonder you know like with something like uh like a alphagetti or something i always figure like, well, what is that? What is it? It's not anything that, like it doesn't taste like a food. You know what I mean?

It just tastes like alfaghetti. Like that's the only thing that it tastes. So what is it? Is it just chemical? It's just chemicals. It's just, yeah, tomato-y chemicals. Yeah. Tomato-y chemicals, sugar.

But like. Sugar. Yeah, probably. They'll serve you, you know, ravioli on a plane. Yeah. Start Samuel L. Jackson. And... What?

He's very tired of all these raviolis on this motherfucking plane. Got it. But, and it's not any good. But like, that's been made in the last month. Yeah. Also like... But it's weird. Like, it's no... good, but like that's been made in the last month. Yeah. Also like. But it's weird. Like it's no, it's worse than Chef Boyardee ravioli from last year.

Yeah. That's. Yeah. Which would you rather have? Last year's Chef Boyardee or this year's airplane ravioli? That's probably a good like roadside test. Like when they do the Pepsi challenge, they should do the Boyardee challenge.

Oh, yeah. Here's a bowl of beautiful piping hot Chef Boyardee. Here's a bowl of rabbit diarrhea. Now how did the rabbit get diarrhea? Chef Boyardee. The rabbit's got into the chef boyardee again well let's set up a roadside test they've never totally we're gonna get rid of this diarrhea

well we've really gone down a rabbit hole and we found diarrhea come out of rabbit hole um Oh, we've really gone down a rabbit hole. And we found diarrhea. Come out a rabbit hole. Sorry. It's not like it. Yeah. So that's it. The other thing is, getting back to Canada at the end of this trip, is I forgot that my favorite thing about the end of the year is when the sports networks do their like top 100 plays,

top 100 bloopsters. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, uh, sports. Yeah. Yeah,

man. Yeah, bro. Yeah. And there were, it's great. Like I always record them because, uh,

they're, they're the greatest and it's cause it'll be a hundred plays and, you know, 10 will be baseball, 10 will be hockey, 10 will be basketball and football. And then a bunch of like weird, like international ping pong. Oh, yeah. Like miscellaneous. Yeah.

Or like a weird cricket thing that happened that you never would see. A crazy diving incident. Yeah. So a ball landed in someone's beer goggle. Or somebody throwing a ball at a diver. Just somebody deep sea diving in a baseball just hits them in the head. Hits them in the crotch. Boiling!

They shoot their harpoon into another diver's crotch. Boil! Into a football player's crotch. He's going. So when I was saying diving, I meant off of a board. Those are the funniest

pranks. They're all dead. Just the credits roll over just a bunch of like face down bodies in an ocean just floating around. Tanks on their backs. They are dead. James Cameron just firing golf balls at divers. I always at the whenever they do those year end compilations

I have so much fun when I'm watching them And then as soon as they're over I get super sad Because I'm like oh it's another year I have to wait for the next Compilation of these fun things Like news bloopers I love news bloopers Is it kind of a thing where you don't like to watch any news or sports

Because you just like to wait for the end? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It all compiles. I like to be as uninformed as possible. Yeah. No spoilers. During the year. Yeah.

Oh, I don't watch the news. I just wait for the bloopers. At the end of the year. I don't want to spoil any of the bloopers for myself. By watching the one local news channel. Just watching the one guy who gets a bee in his face and goes, Screams like a crazy person. Yeah.

Those are the best. And then as soon as it's done, you're just like, I just need, I want more. I want more bloopers. And then you chase that dragon all year long. Down a bloop hole. You do. You'll go like, there'll be the best compilation of that year's bloopers. And then there will be like a

second best compilation and then you go and it's just people accidentally saying cock instead of cop yeah you know this coppering yeah this cop police wait instead of cock police uh what's going on with you, Graham? Um, well, a couple of things. Uh, this, uh, weekend I did a, uh, I did a, uh, corporate gig. Well, not really corporate gig. It was a fundraiser, but same thing where you're playing to a group. That's all one group. What's the difference? You don't ask to be paid for a fundraiser.

Uh, you get paid less. It's weird to ask for money. Yeah. It's weird. I still do it, but it's just weird. Yeah, like they do that thing where they hand you your check and then you're just supposed to hand it back. And I'm like, eh? Nope.

Hand it to a child. There you go. So, usually at these things, they're held in some kind of like a hotel ballroom. Well, not ballroom, but hotel. Not hotel room. The lobby? The business center. The pool? Somebody's printing something on a dot

matrix the whole time. Yeah, like in a conference room, I guess. They always have a dance floor, even though nobody dances. And so there's a whole dance floor between you and the front row of the crowd. Right. So you're already, and the room is completely brightly lit, so you can see every single person in the room. And usually you're the only entertainment, but this i was it was a double bill oh man it

was me and a beatles cover band oh well that explains the dance floor yeah yeah i guess it kind of does except nobody was dancing um and so like i showed up and the guy was like oh uh everybody else is hanging out backstage and i was like everybody, everybody else? I was like, oh, no. Does this guy think I'm an improviser or something? He's put together his improvising dream team. The Harlem Globetrotters of Improv-off. They dangle out an offer, but they're like, whoop, and pull it back in the string.

And they bring along these shitty improviser Washington generals to make them look good. Yeah. So, yeah, he's like, oh, there's a band. But he didn't say that it was a Beatles. It's weird that he said it was a band. So they were on break when I arrived. Were they dressed like the Beatles?

Yes. Sergeant Pepper era or? Ed Sullivan. Okay, suits. Yeah, so when I walked backstage, he's like, oh, the band's hanging out back here, so you can hang out back here. And I was like the band then i turned the corner it's four guys just like the wigs yeah or real hair wigs and uh and and they did not want to talk to me no i don't want to talk to you well you have to i'm here anyway uh everybody was on uh their phones so that was

weird to see people dress like the Beatles playing on their phones the whole time. And I tried to make a conversation at one point with Ringo, maybe? I was trying also just visually, trying to figure out who was who. Who was the lowest one on the top. Let's start with Ringo. So Ringo, what do you think of peace and love?

So are you also the least talented member of this cover group? That's not fair. Hey, come on. I'm just saying it like it is. Call up. Call up. Call up and tell me some shit, and I'll say mean stuff about it. That's Kevin.

Is that your radio show? That's my radio show. The least talented Beatle was whatever you call up and say it is thermostats fuck you just know how hot i want it to be that's where kevin's looking around the room january mayan miller number 30 get a real job playing a game you're an adult man um yeah and so they were uh i tried to i was like where do you guys get suits like that because it's you know they're like pretty rare some guy in the

states makes them that was as much as i got out of them did they were they in character no well maybe do they have accents no but Do they have accents on stage? No. Which was weird. That's kind of weird. Yeah, because they didn't do like a ton of talking in between songs. But yeah, it was in. That's.

Yeah. I didn't even think about that. And they were good. Like they sounded fine. We'll be past the audition. Beetle banter. We're bigger than Jesus. Hi, everybody. We're bigger than jesus hi everybody we're bigger than jesus two three four that'd be a good beetles cover man yeah bigger than jesus yeah yeah oh uh and then we're like more muscular than jesus

and then more more on linkedin than jesus yeah they're more modern uh so they did their they did like three sets they did like two and then there was like an auction and then i went up after all of that oh boy oh dream slots so many old people putting on their coats as soon as i hit the stage it was like it was a real migration out of the room. And there was one guy who couldn't have had the, like, he had the most sour face of anybody I've ever seen

in any audience. Was it Ted Cruz? Well, he had, it was Ted Cruz. He had a plate full of lemons. He was just squeezing them in his mouth. But yeah, just arms folded,

just not having fun The whole time And Yeah So that's what I did On Saturday night Sweet What Did you ask

The Beatles cover band If they would do our show They did not want to talk to me They're like Listen man I'm not really Into this George Harrison

Yeah You should have just told me You're a mark uh mark chapman impersonator is that mark david chapman oh jesus why that's what he gets to get real too soon man yeah put on your weird brown glasses yeah sign my book is that what he did? Yeah Yeah Something Yeah My Catcher in the Rye Yeah Oh that's the one Right

Yeah But didn't he also listen to Helter Skelter or something? Was that him? Or was that Charles Manson Charles Manson Wasn't he trying to impress Jodie Foster? Or was that

Oh the guy that shot Reagan? Yeah With a ray gun Yeah Zap Zap Zap Zap Zap Hey Reagan with a ray gun zap hey Reagan zap

that's why Ronald Reagan that's why his name is Ronald Reagan because he died in Ronald Tennessee from a ray gun. By a ray gun. Zap. So I did that on the weekend.

And then also the last two weeks, Alicia and Tobe and I would like to watch television together. And our show for a long time was a show called. 90 Day Fiance. Yeah. Which has ended. It's done. It's run. And so then we were trying to watch a show called Married by Mom and Dad.

It's not very good. Okay. That was supposed to be the follow-up to 90 Day Fiance. Now, I saw you and she both posted pictures of a TV show. Yeah. It's called Baggage. And I just want to talk about it. Okay.

It's a show from 2010. I think they shot all the episodes in that year. It's hosted by Jerry Springer. Okay. And the show is either they have a bachelor or a bachelorette, and they come out and they say, this person either was married to two people at the same time, or their whole torso is covered in tattoos.

Or they owe the government $50,000. So one of those things is true. Sure. What's my line about baggage? Kind of. Yeah. And then they bring out three contestants and they have three bags. One's a small bag that has their smallest piece of baggage, which is just like I chew my nail.

The contestants all have, everyone's got baggage. Everybody's got baggage except Jerry Springer. Baggage free. Or at every episode he's like, I cheated in an election or whatever he did. I paid for a prostitute with a check. So then the contestants go through the first their smallest bag and then uh one person

gets eliminated and then the two guys left do their medium bag so there's and there's wait a minute yeah wait so they start by guessing what's in the first so no it's not guessing they just say they say okay open up your bag. And then, you know, they, the three people expose what they have. So there's one woman and three men? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so then the three men say. Is there a little lady? Yeah. She comes on at the end, does a little cheer. It's really cute. Okay. She's older now because that was in 2010. Yeah.

And she runs a pizza place. And then. Three men, a little lady, two guys, a girl, and a pizza place. Yeah. So many people. What a full house. And then the twist at the very end, after the person's selected, after they've seen their three baggages, then we find out what the bachelor's baggage is. Okay.

And then the contestant says whether or not they want to date them. Oh. It's great. Okay. It is so entertaining. What's the most surprising piece of baggage? There was a lady last night that one of the possibilities was that she makes people that she has sex with dress up like santa claus and i was like that's a silly

one that the writers did and that was her actual oh so some of them are fake yeah two of them on her side okay okay this is confusing yeah but it's so entertaining. Because the things that people think are their smallest piece of baggage, a lot of times I'm like, that's un-get-overable. Because one woman was like, my feet reek. I was like, that's horrible. Don't put that as your smallest one. Don't put it at all. I can get over that. There's treatment. Yeah, I guess. as your smallest one. Don't put it at all. I can get over that.

There's treatments. Yeah, I guess. Cut your feet off. Just keep your feet in two little bags. Yeah, suitcases. Suitcase feet. And it's also the lowest budget show. I think all the budget went to paying Jerry Springer to be the host.

Right. And then everything else is just. He's America's host. He's America's host. He is America's host. Oh, boy. When he goes, I don't know. What is America going to do? He gave me permission to be weird.

I mean, Jerry Springer. He did kind of. He's on Bowie levels in terms of like... Kind of mainstreaming weird behavior. Well he certainly did bring weirdness into America's house. A lot of ch-ch-ch-changes to our thoughts on incest.

The shows are like I'm in love with my brother or something. And that show's still on. He still does the Jerry Springer talk show? Really? Is the Steve the security guard show still on oh yeah that guy i don't know but that's a very good question yeah because he got and his show was just him it wasn't him just breaking up fights it was him interviewing and then if a fight happened other guys it would break up that fight then they get all the other guys dressed like jerry springer suits and a little rumpled it's funny because

there's only two kinds of like daytime talk show there's like fun and serious or like fun and like classy yeah and then what's an example of a fun and classy uh ellen ellen okay and then there's like uh like i feel like dr phil wants to be in the classy side but he's in the trashy side his set looks like it wants to be classy whereas jerry springer set has devolved into it looks like uh like he's inside some kind of weird factory there's like your fan vents. That's true. That's always been there. Yeah. So he like acknowledges up front like this is garbage for garbage.

Yeah. It's like the plaster's peeling off the brick. We just need to clear out of here because they're filming a P90X video. We're going to move in the weights. That is the same set. That is the same set. Yeah. And then like, then the guy standing in the audience asking the questions of the people on stage model

has gone away almost. Oh. Jerry Springer does. Yeah. But they weren't asking questions. They would just tell people how horrible they are. Yeah. You're crazy.

I hate you. And then Maury only does Fraternity Press He doesn't do any other shows That's a service Oprah was in the classy But she started out in the trash How did she make that leap? What was the leap for her?

Tom Cruise jumping on the couch? John Travolta I thought it was the Michael Jackson interview But maybe that was way later on Remember when she went to his house and did that weird interview no it was like in prime time i remember i think of martin basheer yeah i get the two of them confused is martin basheer the guy that's trying to lose weight this year yeah yeah yeah who's martin basheer he was the guy who interviewed michael jackson like oh yeah later on i think i know

and then like followed him to that weird vegas uh store where michael jackson just bought like every marble pillar oh yeah and like a sarcophagus yeah oh yeah i need that and then and his assistants are just like okay that's that's the only And the salesman is like, hey, what's up? Hey, are you crazy enough to be in here? Cool, sparkly hand. Do you think that they have a policy at that store where somebody looks like super drunk, they try to sell them as much as they can? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, because it's all stuff that nobody...

I think every store has that policy. If somebody comes in drunk, to try and sell them everything that's true um yeah where the customer is always drunk that's the thing

is you go and compliment them on the bag and just give them a shot of Jameson there have this it's great um yeah so that's what

that's what I did this weekend I went and played with a Beatles cover band yeah they let me sit in, play the organ. You were like the Frank Gorshin of that night. Yeah, I was the Frank Gorshin.

Who's that now? You guys are making up names. He played the Riddler, but he was also on the Ed Sullivan show with the Beatles. Oh, I didn't know that. Like the night of their debut, right? I thought you'd be kind of like the Fergie to the Black Eyed Peas. You'd just come in and sing

on top of it to get more successful you should have been like hey Beatles put her in a rap verse in every song here comes the sun it's the thing in the sky

don't look at me I'm just a guy alright now let's do Helster Skelter goes side to side Eleanor Rigby. How can she be big? How big is she be?

Eleanor Rigby eating a pig bee. Yeah, that would be pretty good. Get by with a little help from my friends. I'm talking Joey and Chandler. Ross and Rachel. Phoebe and Joey. I'm talking Joey and Chandler. Ross and Rachel. Phoebe and Joey. I already mentioned Joey. Oh, yeah.

The only Beatles cover band with a rapper. With a rap in every song. That'd be amazing. Would it have to be another impersonator? Or is it like a legitimate rapper trying to make their career? Impersonating Fergie. Or Lisa Left Eye Lopez. Apple D-App. impersonator or is it like a like a legitimate rapper trying to make their career impersonating fergie or lisa left eye lopez apple d app uh that would work because they're on apple records uh do you guys want to move on to some overheard okay hello and welcome to pod phone what type of podcast are you looking for? You have chosen funny podcasts about bad movies.

Rated R. May we recommend The Flophouse? Three friends talk about bad movies and make each other and you laugh. Rated R. The Flophouse is playing at your ears. If you download it right now or whenever. Rated R. To purchase tickets to The Flophouse.

You don't need to do that. Just download it. The Flophouse. Rated R. For nudity, I guess. for nudity, I guess. I listen to Bullseye because no show does a better job of showcasing the best creators we have today. It's like the line, I know it's on a favorite album,

but for everything in culture. It makes me happy to hear music I've never heard before, voices I've never thought to listen to, and culture recommendations that are outside my comfort zone. That's why I listen to Bullseye. You should too. Bullseye is your guide to what's good. From MaximumFun.org and NPR.

Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment where, you know, you go, you see things, you hear things, and then you're like, man, that was really funny. Love to share that somewhere. Well, we give you the platform. We're the where. where yeah and we love to start with the guest all right and you're the guest so hit it woo uh all right i have i guess i have a couple that i'll i'll try out see if i actually oversaw them this is a safe space thank you um so one is an oversaw that i

saw recently um i was walking down Abbott Street In Gastown in Vancouver, British Columbia And I was walking towards Kind of What's it called? Tinseltown Like the International Cinema Village And I was coming up to the corner And I just kitty-cornered that

And then this guy was riding a hoverboard In like a full suit with like really fancy Like pointy, like like businessy elf shoes you know those ones that are like real long and kind of like they kind of are erect in a weird way

and so he was on he was crossing the street on that and then he hit the curb and tripped and fell off of his hoverboard and the hoverboard

made the greatest like hollow plasticky kid toy sound like when you drop a nerf gun or something it's like click clack you're playing on a dumb toy and he like like without any shame or missing you just picked it

up set it again on the thing like while like people like are huffling or shuffling around them like huffling and puffling and puffling and shuffling and it is like a lower income uh area and but still downtown so there's lots of like that clash of you know richer people and not so rich people so this dickhead in the shittiest club this, like just a dickhead on a hoverboard. And then like people just like shuffling, trying to get on with their life. Just trying to survive. Yeah, just trying to get around this guy

as he like resets it without saying anything, like stands on it and then just like leans forward and just like slowly sits up this hill. I'm like. And it's like a heritage neighborhood too. So it's like, you could be hoverboarding on cobblestones. Yeah, which can't be great. Like doing moguls on a hoverboard.

I'm so committed to this thing. This is so much better than walking. Is there a place that will rent me one? Because I'd love to try it, but I don't want to. I would love to try it. There's got to be one by the seawall, right? You got to rent a bike, rent a hoverboard. Yeah, maybe there is by now.

You know what would be a cool place to... Sign a 800-page waiver? I would at the airport. Because if you're going from one terminal to the other or whatever, five bucks, get on an hoverboard. You thought walking on one of those moving sidewalks was great. Oh, man. You'll feel like The Flash.

The future. I think airports are one of the places they're banned oh that's so it makes sense they are wildly dangerous now you said you had another you want to go now or do you want to go around i can go now this is an old one i'll wait in the car this is like an old one i was saying i'm not sure if this is something that was that's been brought up by other members of the Sunday service in the intervening time. But it was this past summer, we went to New York City for the Del Close Marathon. And I heard two things, overheard two things in the Big Apple.

One was walking past a lady on the phone. And she's like, you stop your crying. Your dad bought you a big apartment. You don't cry. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. An adult was sobbing on the phone with their mom you don't know that yeah oh it could be a child with the yeah it could be like the movie big yeah yeah or it could have been an old person it could have been an old person yeah she did say

your dad bought you yeah jeffrey werther's the the the werther's The Werther's Originals The original Werther's Originals I was thinking about the movie Big Because I was hearing a lot of sirens And I was like remembering that first night That he's a grown up He's so scared He goes to bed and he hears I forget where he's sleeping

He goes into like a single room Yeah like a boarding house And he's like super scared I don't like it's like a single room yeah like a boarding house and he's like super scared i don't know i thought the apartment he was in was pretty cool well eventually yeah no but even the scary one i was like i was like yeah that's but i was thinking like like i was hearing a lot of sirens one day and i was like are sirens scary they are if you constantly hear them you know you're in a bad neighborhood if you're constantly hearing them. And there was, I guess in the big,

there was also like shouting and like aggression outside the window. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is scary. Yeah, okay. All right.

You can cry. You can cry. Your dad bought you a big apartment, but you can cry. You can cry. It's scary. And then another one. Mommy, I can't find

the lemon zester. The apartment's too big. My hoverboard went out of the fridge. Out of the fridge. I put it in there to cool it down because it's so cool. And I put it in there, but it came out. Mom!

But it came out. I can't find my pills. I thought I got uppers, but they're donors. Yoko Ono keeps stealing my mail. We bought you an apartment in the Dakota. Yeah, Yoko.

Oh boy, she's using it for an installation. Barbara Walters won't leave my house. Is she a New York fixture, Barbara Walters? I don't know. Is she? Is that the view in there in New York? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess you're right. Oh, the crust is too thin in this city. Hey, New York, the only thing I know about you. Yeah. I've been looking for this sex, but I don't think it's in this city. New York things. Yeah. And then the other one

in New York was walking down the street. It's always walking down the street in New York. Well, of course. Jumping across rooftops. Hail a taxi. Crowdsurfing down the street. Yeah, again, we're walking past these guys

and they walk by and all we heard was you like dick you like balls you're gay and that's what we heard and we're like well okay

yeah depending who you is yeah that's true but he was talking to them teaching somebody yeah exactly it was also the same same time as like

the federal judicial judgy guys in in America decided that gay marriage was legal federally so it was a little hot button

I guess like I had to explain to someone like why who's getting married happy people no you're like dick you're like balls you're gay

and you can get married so have a great life I like one dick and just two balls you like monogamy and gayness one dick and two balls

that's it Dave do you got one Mine is from When I was in Switzerland Over Christmas Abby's family has Their cable package Is

Or maybe it's satellite It's from England And so all the TV is British Oh yeah In it Footy Church

It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good It's all good Keep going ish oh yeah footy church it's all good to church keep going am I speaking to hosier take you to church be on time

that's Billy Joel sorry I got the church song mixed up what's up it's Billy Joel Steve and Bowie what church on time

church on time that's Steve and Bowie yeah did you think it on time that's david bowie yeah yeah did you think it was billy joel this whole time did you think billy joel just died last week i don't want to go out the piano man i want to stay in get things done yeah in it um uh so the mine is just this horrible commercial that had like, it was a 15 second commercial, but it had every bad commercial thing. Like if you're writing a commercial, this is like all the cliches. And once it was for this, I guess, cold medicine called Cuvonia Chesty Cold. Okay.

Okay. And it's a guy sitting on the couch with his wife or girlfriend coughing. And then a bull breaks through the brick wall. Ass. Gives him a bottle of Cuvonia chesty club sperm. That stuff's expensive. Yeah, no kidding. And he takes a spoonful and drinks it. And then he's now feeling well enough that he changes the channel to put on soccer.

And his wife or girlfriend folds her arms and gets mad. I wonder what they were watching previously. Yeah, that he was too sick to watch soccer. But then she's like, finally we get to watch a chick flick. I assume. Was the bowl animated? Or was it like

The bowl? Yeah or was it computer animated Or was it like a cartoon I think it was computer animated Okay Alright It was like a Kool-Aid man But a bowl

And was he holding the spoon Did he like Did he pass it over with his hoof? Oh you know what I don't know I don't remember the spoon part Okay Alright

It may have It could have been a little cup Maybe it comes in a little cup Like a nightgulf Oh yeah Those little cup, like a night quill. Oh yeah. Those cups are fun. Mm-hmm. What's the quill that you take?

Lamb quill. Lamb quill. Okay. Yeah. Or porcupine quill. Oh. Yeah. Those are the two quills I recommend.

So Graham. Yeah. That's the show, right? Yep. If you guys like it, then tell your friends. Yeah. Do you have an overheard? I do.

Well, I have something I've overseen. I was at a coffee shop, and the person in front of me, you know how sometimes people will just bring their empty coffee cup up to the counter and just leave it? Yeah. Because there's not a bin, and they also just don't want to leave it at the table. I'm one of those people. Yeah.

Not a paper cup. A mug. And the guy in front of me made kind of a production of leaving a tip. Like, you know where you get the change in your hand and then you just slide the whole change into the thing. 35 cents, you're welcome yeah and then i walked up after a minute was somebody's

cup that they put there he slid the tip into a little bit of coffee in the bottom do you wonder if they notice it except then they're like trying to do the nice thing yeah i'm out of here i got it, I'm out of here. I got the coffee. He panics and he drinks it. I thought at the start of the story you were talking about someone bringing their own cup from home. Oh, yeah. That's a thing that I never know because they'll bring it to the... Like a mug? Yeah.

What? Or a travel cup. I've seen the travel cup ones. And then they'll put it up on the counter and order whatever. Here, I have this. Yeah. But it's like, you could probably cheat it and be like, I got a big cup. I'm only buying a small cup.

Dave would do that all the time. And so I remember there was a couple of guys that brought in their own ceramic mug when I worked at a coffee shop and they must've lived like right around the corner or something. And then the one guy was like, can I just leave this cup here? I was like, this isn't your fucking house. Yeah. Like we barely tolerate you using that ceramic mug. Cause it looks like you just brought your own coffee from home and they're sitting in this coffee shop. But yeah.

Can I leave it on the shelf? I was like absolutely not you should have been like yeah i'll take it oops i dropped it yeah it's uh i'm on paper cups for you sir people get a little bit comfortable in these coffee shops i'm sure you've seen people taking off their shoes in a coffee shop are you supposed to ask for a wi-fi password or just into it yeah coffee beans latte java what man telling me to stop saying passwords out loud as i type them that's when in a movie when they have like a hacker character they should just have them trying out passwords audibly

hmm let's see evil uh let's uh scary corporation zero zero zero zero zero one

zero zero zero zero zero two password password 42069 69 420 password Kevin is cool it's like the stuff about me did you do either of you guys watch Making a Murderer I'm like 20 password. Kevin is cool. It's like the stuff about me. Did you,

do either of you guys watch Making a Murderer? I'm like five episodes in. There's a thing about a password in it that. Yeah. I saw one, one just like when they first mentioned that about like the ex-boyfriend or whatever. And they're just like, yeah,

we just got to figure out a password. Yeah. I'm like, how the fuck did you figure out a password? Like I can barely remember my own passwords, let alone like. Yeah. the thing it's like it wasn't just like he's like oh it's her sister's like oh he might know their names he's like i think it was like her sister's birthday it's like what the hell i don't know marie's got one sister i know when she was i do have uh yeah i i could figure out most of my siblings um i feel like the four digit uh

voicemail code i could figure that out four digit yeah i think um yeah okay yeah but then didn't they also figure out like an online something or i forget anyways uh now we also have overheard sent into us from around the world you want to send one into us you can send it into spy at maximum fun dot org and this first one comes from trey cool. Yeah, I know. I was hoping. Yeah. No, it's just Trey Parker. It's Trevor, but he shortens it to Trey or Tre.

I like to prefer Vor. Revor. Yeah. I shorten it to Revor. Revor. From Springfield, Illinois. So this is a firsthand overheard. I used to work as a merchandiser and had to cover the midnight release of the second Hunger Games movie.

The only person there was a local eccentric guy that people called Chili Bowl Mullet Man. He does not explain why that is the nickname, but should be self-evident. I had a little conversation with him before the midnight, and he seemed like a nice guy. He then noticed some ink stains near my crotch, and then asked- I'm not the one on trot. Yeah. Do you have scabs there too? Oh!

Oh! Oh! Yeah. Yeah. No, I was fucking a squid. Yeah, I've got scabs there too oh yeah yeah no i was fucking a squid yeah i've got scabs there god oh man yeah well he's got scabs obviously from filling chili in his garage can you have you can have emotional scars but can you have emotional scabs oh yeah i pick at him if you keep picking at that emotional scabs? Oh, yeah. Check out him. If you keep picking up that emotional scab, it's never going to heal. It's going to become an emotional scar.

That seems like a Dr. Phil. So he was working the midnight release of the DVD version of The Hunger Games 2. Oh, is that it? Or only one guy. Well, he was working in merchandising. Yeah, that couldn't be at a theater. Yeah. Yeah. And the fact that only one guy showed up.

It's ridiculous. They'd have like a midnight opening to buy it on DVD. Yeah, that is weird. That is weird. I don't know. I don't know, man. I get it if you're like, you know, getting the next train record or. Yeah, sure.

Star Wars Star Wars Get your Star Warps things Yeah Or video games A lot of people like Them video games Stay up all night

Drink a Red Bull Yeah Go get the midnight release Go get the midnight release And then you go home And you have your Midnight release Yeah

Thank you This next one comes from Jennifer M From Los Angeles She was on an Alaskan cruise Yeah Thank you This next one comes from Jennifer M. From Los Angeles She was on an Alaskan cruise Oh, fun Beautiful I worked in Alaska

You worked in Alaska? I used to work for Holland America Cruises In Denali National Park When I was in university Really? Yes What did you do? I was customer service agent

CSR, as they called us Customer service representative What would people complain about? Too cold. Too Alaskan. I'm old. Why is Alaska so rocky and hard to walk around in?

Can you crush these rocks into sand for me? Yeah. I'd really like to be in Miami. Is that near here? Fuck me. Nobody will have sex

with me on this cruise Not a lot of complaints Aside from like Lost baggage That type of stuff Right One person packed Their heart medication

That they needed to take Like every six hours In their bags And it went to the next town So I had to drive them Really? I had to drive them Twelve hours to

Or no it wasn't twelve hours I think it was like Six hours to Fairbanks Something like that That was fun And they were like Six hours My heart's gonna explode Oh finally My Vi That was fun. And they were like, six hours, my heart's going to explode.

Oh, finally, my Viagra gulp. And I was like, you used me. You used me. And now you have me alone here in Fairbanks with your raging boner. Whatever shall we do? So she took a cruise.

Yeah, she's on an Alaskan cruise. Maybe I saw her. Was delighted to overhear the following interaction by the pool. Kid one, who's pretty much yelling

the whole time. Hey, you, kid with the ping pong ball. Kid two turns around. Do you have armpit hair? Because if not, I

do not talk to you. Yeah. I do not answer to you, man. Important question. Important question. There was a time when that was the most important thing. Yeah.

Well, the second most important thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. And now I just wish it would go away. Yeah, yeah. When you're a kid, you're so impatient for it to arrive. And then when it's there, you're like, man, it's not so good. I mean, it's still pretty good.

Too much of it. Too much of a good thing. It's still pretty fun to have it especially if you go to bath and you get out it's all like it's all matted down that's funny especially especially if you want to cover up your swastika armpit tattoo i'm grown i'm grown that in many ways it's a good thing i got that before puberty yeah you're always at like concerts and you want to raise your hands up you're like oh oh yeah sure unsure very unsure sure roll on armpit pubes yeah popeal armpit pubes kevin's an idea, man. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

This last written one comes from Jason M. from Halifax. I received a text from an unrecognized number that was obviously somebody. Was it six? Yeah. I didn't recognize these numbers. Was it four? It was somebody who had the wrong number. It read, hey, it's Ang. Just thought I'd let you know dad is talking about getting cornrows.

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't say anything. Just let him do it. Yeah, or send back, you know, pictures of different people with cornrows.

Tell him to get it like this. Axelrose. Yeah. Well, I, yeah. Axelrose? Yeah, Axelrose. Axelcorn. Axelrose.

His middle name is Corn. Backwards K. No, frontwards K, backwards R. Pardon me. I'm wrong spelling dyslexic. Is that? No, that's not wrong. Sorry, dyslexic people.

I'm lemonade sign dyslexic. Just kids. Cool backwards ass Or whatever Lemonades Dave do we have Phoned in over here? Graham

We do Okay But I want to encourage Anyone out there Whose dad Is thinking about Getting cornrows Let them

Yeah Especially if they're Like losing their hair And they can just get One solid cornrow Is it called like A corn over If they let cornrows To comb over their head Ideas man You can actually get one solid cornrow. Is it called like a corn over? If they let cornrows comb

over their head. Ideas man. You can actually do that. Do cornrows from the back like braids and then pull them forward and like affix them to the head so they look like cornrows. It's like oh you got hair all along your head. No it's just a mullet that you've chili bowled it over your head. Ha ha ha ha! Why is it called chili

bowling? Because it's hot. It's a mistake. It's a hot mistake. Chili Bowling. Chili Bowling Mullet. You remember. Two overheards ago. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you would like to call us, Chili Bowl, you're overheard our way at 206-339-8328. Like these people have. Chili Bowl. I'm like, in my head, I'm picturing the person that got like the cornrows. And how did they stick it to the head? Just professional, like Stan Winston. They get Stan Winston to come in.

Who's that? He's a famous makeup artist. Not famous enough. So every morning he gets his... Oh, I guess he only has to get it done once. Every morning, Stan Winston gives me cornrows on the back of my four-post head. Four-post head. Overheard phone calls.

Hi, guys. This is Gretchen. I have an overheard from the elementary school where I work. This is Gretchen. I haven't overheard from the elementary school where I work. So school was out for the day, but kids were still playing around on the playground. And a sixth grade girl opens up the door of the gymnasium and she shouts out loud, Hey, Jack!

And then she says quietly to herself, I hope you can't hear me me i bit off more than i could chew yes yelling and then the then do you think she was going to say something like mean like i hope you don't hear me and then even lower no i think she loves jack oh yeah maybe like it was a dare it's like oh you love jack like if you do this you got to go say you love him. Hey, Jack. I love you. Bye. I heard you have armpit hair. Hey, Jack. I hope you don't hear me, but we disagree with you fundamentally on the Syrian refugee issue. Bye. Bye.

Are ladies still dying their armpit hair? Are ladies still dying their armpit hair? Well, I feel like last year there was a mini trend, Miley Cyrus inspired. Did she? She did. She had hot pink armpit hair. And then I feel like Demi Lovato did it. She did it?

What did she do? Zebra stripes. Yeah. Leopard prints. I think that's something that never happened. That would be kind of cool. Cornrowed armpits. I would say that's something that, like a trend that never, like.

It didn't it didn't cat it was weird because it made it up to usually these trends you know flow up from from the street and then celebrities start doing them you think that was a top down top down that never went down yeah it never trickled yeah yeah like she's like no it's gonna be a thing and then it just people are like nope we object yeah too far um she's still she's like, no, it's going to be a thing. And then it just, people are like, nope, we object. Yeah, too far. She's still doing it, right? Yeah, both of them.

All right. All right, here we go. Next phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Ira from Baton Rouge calling in with an over scene. Just drove by a brick building near my house and there's some new graffiti I hadn't seen before. So I looked at it and someone had written with white spray paint

Bobby's World. Yes. Oh, I like that a lot. Did you watch Bobby's World? Yes, I did. Yeah, I think so. It was Howie Mandel. What was his catchphrase? Did he have a catchphrase?

It's my world now. It's Bobby's world. Everyone else is just ranting. That's pretty good. He's a real capitalist. A real gentrifier. Because as a kid, I remember Saturday morning cartoons. The things I remember were like... Saturday morning cartoons.

Wanting pubes. No, no. But the Saturday morning cartoons I remember, like, I don't really remember any of the classic, like, Bugs Bunny things. Yeah. On Saturday mornings. But I do remember when Fox had their Bobby's World X-Men Eek the Cat block. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah also uh cartoons that now very few of them have uh armpit hair and they could have any color they want it could be spaghettio armpit

hair i'm trying to think the only like cartoon thing i'm thinking that has any kind of like pubic hair is the little caesar's mascot who has weird chest hair is that considered pubic hair chest hair well you don't see a lot of kids walking around like a rug of chest is pubic hair named after puberty or is it named after the pubic bone where the where the hair appears no i think it's named after puberty isn't it because it it's it's named after puberty, isn't it? Because it's here, it's here, it's here. It's here. Yeah. I think I would not send food back if it had chest hair in it.

How can you tell? By taste and mouthfeel. Or if you see the entire staff of the restaurant is hairless except for their chest. Yeah. There's this shirtless cooking. Shirtless cooking, but just these carpets. That's how mesh shirts are. Body hair.

Salad slices. Here's your final overheard of 2016. Hello, Dave and Graham and the impossible guests. Thank you. This is Kit calling from Portland, Oregon. A little bit of a drunk dial, even though it's morning. And a little bit of a overseen. I just watched a nanny

rocking a very, very tight, expensive stroller walking down the street. She also had a strap-on with what I can only assume tight, expensive stroller walking down the street. She also had a strap-on with what I can only assume is a nude horn attached to her chest. And she was sneaking a vape.

Love ya. What? I love you too. I mean, clearly we know why I chose that photo Yeah yeah The love you at the end and the strap on The strap on

Oh man I think a baby Bjorn There's a like There's a lot of things you could call that aren't a strap on Yeah What would I call it if I didn't call it baby Bjorn Snuggler? What are the other things? A carrier?

A wrap or something? A papusa? Is that? A papusa? I think a papusa. A papusa is like a meat-filled flatbread. Yum. I'd love to carry one of those.

I'd love to strap one of those on. Yeah. We're learning a lot about like sex accessories. Yeah. Strap-ons. Cock rings. Mesh shirts. this is tom cock rings i want to ride it on that law oh boy how about how about ding ding

oh boy i'm glad that we got that in at the before the end of the oh yeah his band was called red rider oh my god that what happens. You leave your dick in the ring too long, it turns red. More blood. It's not the one in there. Everything goes red. The guy can't divorce blood from sex. Now, Kevin, this brings us to the end of this here podcast. Oh, what?

Thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you for having me. And thank you, everybody out there, for listening. Now, what's upcoming? What are you working on that people can check out? What do people need out of you, Kevin Lee? Yeah. Where can people follow you online?

Sure. They can follow me at, I think I do this every time because I really don't go on Twitter that much. Is it The Real Kevin Lee? Yeah, I think it's The Real Kevin Lee. And I'm on Facebook and I don't know what's coming up. The Sunday Service happens every Sunday in Vancouver here at the Fox Cabaret.

Yep. That's going really well. Come early, see Kevin eat on stage. Or backstage and then everyone talk about my body. Get backstage passes and see Kevin eat. Yeah, if you come to the show and you stop me and you say uh i want to watch you eat uh i will take you backstage and eat in front of you we're not

allowed to talk and you have to watch me in a mirror you can't look directly at me and i will be nude that's that's fun but you just to prove you're not a vampire yes absolutely um because if a vampire eats in a mirror It's just a hovering burrito Yeah Oh yeah Do their clothes disappear when they're Although he might be a vampire

He talks a lot about blood That's true Oh guys There is one thing I don't suck Oh boy Howdy Is there any way to cut that out? No sir

Shit Do we have anything we cut that out? No sir Shit Do we have anything we need to plug? No I think everyone should just like Be your own true self Be your own true self Try to be your best self But forgive yourself if you're your worst self

Yeah Be the self that you want to find in yourself. Yeah. And also, you gots to get a job. Yeah. Take the self off the shelf

and go to Philadelphia. Yeah. Go to Philadelphia. Yeah. So we'll just cut out this whole last part. I'm back in the USSR.

I'm flying on a plane. I'm going to Russia where the girls are insane. Oh, the Ukraine girls really walk me out. They're crazy. Leave the West behind. Fuck you, West Side. They're there the whole song.

Yeah, they're hyping it. Well, they'll do a little rap in the middle, and they'll hype every lyric. And Georgia's always, always on my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my. I'm thinking about Georgia.

Beatles 2016. I just got that that's like a reference to Georgia on my mind, but it's the other Georgia. Oh.

Thank you, Rap. Yeah, thanks, Rap. We never would have found this without Rap. If you want to

check out the blog recap over at MaximumFun.org, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast, there's always this point that then I forget absolutely everything. Oh, sure. Frank Gorshin. Oh, yeah. Apple the app.

Oh, yes. SpaghettiOs. Yeah. Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, Miley Cyrus' Died pubes There we did it

Baby Yeah we've done it And if you Want to leave a review On iTunes We're not gonna We won't be mad at it We might be mad at it

But we'll let you Yeah we'll allow it It's your prerogative Also leave a review Of Bobby Brown's Ain't Nobody Humping Around. Yeah, or I think the album was

Don't Be Cruel. Good, wow. I think it was actually Bobby's World. It was the Bobby Brown, Howie Mandel crossover album. They're only one,

which is weird. I'd like to see them on Baggage, am I right? And if you like the show, tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported