Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 416 - Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

Comedian Kyle Kinane returns to talk napkin addiction, moisturizing gloves, and paint exercise.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 416 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I just saw dance to Salt-N-Pepa's Push It and he was great. He was just great. Mr. Dave Shumka. Well, I have a routine with my spandex-clad 11-year-old girl friends.

Not girlfriends like we're dating, but female friends. Friends that come over, you tell each other secrets. Yeah. Do you remember, did that happen to you in school where you would have classmates when you were in grade 4 or 5 who were just like, they came up with a dance routine during lunch hour and in the afternoon they want to show everyone. So let's stop the class.

No, I was dancing with a baby. Yeah, and she loves it. She loves the 90s hip hop. It's 80s, I think. Yeah, I guess so. 90s Salt-N-Pepa was what a man. Is she like what a man? She's not ready. Okay, fair enough.

Fair enough. No man will ever be good enough. Well, it's just that she doesn't exactly have a body like Arnold. With a Denzel face. She's got a body like Butterbean. Our guest today, one of our faves, very funny comedian, Mr. Kyle Kinane. Hey. Hey.

I never know at the intro of a podcast if I could joke without being introduced. Yeah, of course. I don't know. There's no rules. I'm like, oh, man, Salt-N-Pepa, that's good. I'm like, I don't know. They're doing a thing. They've got to let them do their thing.

No, no. No, you should have jumped in. Anytime. Anytime. If we could go back, what would you say about Salt-N-Pepa? I was confused

about the dance routines. Oh, did that not happen? Well, I didn't have my friends. I thought you were like, you know, didn't you? Oh, no. It would be a group of like... You know, you and your pals.

You know, after soccer or whatever. You know, we're livening this up if it was a halftime show. Randy. Brian. Get on my shoulders. Kind of losing the crowd at T-Ball. You know what would liven this up? If it was a halftime show. Randy. Brian. Get on my shoulders. Kind of losing the crowd

at T-Ball. You know what we need? We need a little entertainment in the middle. Losing the crowd. Okay, guys. One, two, three, four. No, it was girls.

Generally. Yeah, generally. Also, there was what was the thing like where people would dance just with their hands? Oh, we didn't do that like napoleon dynamite yeah yeah there was that at my elementary school because uh i remember seeing that napoleon dynamite and being like wow i thought i was the

only dance with your hands like some kind of sign language rhythmic sign language like to like a song and a lot of like a lot of this kind of thing oh okay the birds yeah the birds yeah and then like a dog a scary yeah those daytime shadow puppets

is what you're doing just like shadow puppets in the sunshine man it don't make no sense bro do we want to get to know us? oh sure get to know us oh sure get to know us kyle uh recently you uh i don't know like how often you've been with beard and then without beard yeah but you were without beard

online there was pictures of you without a beard and now you're in a tv show without a beard yeah and was that that weird what well it was weird from the fact that i like was on at first i like oh audition for a thing i'm like i never auditioned well like me neither i live okay that's yeah i'm off for only you know what you want when you're asking for connect you know and uh so he's like no you should take this one like all right whatever and every time i go out Yeah, I'm off for only. You know what you want when you're asking for K'nay. So he's like, no, you should take this one. I'm like, all right, whatever. And every time I go in, I'm like, who am I today?

I'm Rick. All right, what's up? I'm Rick anyway. Looks like Rick's hungry in a scene. Boy, I'm hungry. My name's Rick. All right. All right, you got my agent's number.

Bye. My people won't call your people. Great. Okay. He really nailed Rick won't call your people. Great. Okay. He really nailed Rich. He memorized the name. I just don't know why his attitude is so bad. It is kind of Rick's attitude.

I think he was going method with it. So, like, oh, yeah, you got the part. And, like, yeah, and you're going to shave. I'm like, you know why I get things. It's because I look like this. I don't act. Right. No, you're going to shave your face, and you're going to act.

And I'm like, wow. Wow. All right. I'll do that kind of thing. Was it so scary? This is the TV show with love on Netflix. Yeah, on Netflix. It was scary for that. Everything online is, Kyle looks real weird with a beard.

Is that right? I don't know about Kyle. He looks real weird. Just strangers telling you you don't clean up well. It's like, all right, go fuck yourself. Like, what? Well, I didn't know you were in it, and I started watching it, and I recognized the voice, and I was like, who's that weird-looking guy? He reminds me of a guy on another show, Rick.

Yeah, he was hungry. Hungry Rick. Remember show, Rick. Yeah. Oh, boy. He was hungry. Hungry Rick. Remember Hungry Rick? Yeah. And you're naked a lot in this show. Yeah, that was another part that was. Was that a part of the audition? They're just like, yeah, you're going to do this.

That part, I was like, ah, I'm fine with that. That part. That's still what's insulting is nobody's like, oh, man, I never wanted to see what Kyle Kinane looks like humping somebody. But he shaved. He looks so weird shaving. But I'm just naked humping. That's like, man i never wanted to see what kyle canane looks like humping somebody but he shaved he looks so weird shaving but i'm just naked humping that's like yeah that's fine that's your face it's your face that we find so off-putting the rest of this body we've never seen before that's well we'll let it slide yeah you're you're not chin chin it yeah they should people should think your body's weird because clothes are like a fabric beard for your body. It is.

It is. You got a real proud look on your face in that analogy. Because I've only just started going on auditions myself. And I'm more terrified of getting the thing because then you're on set with people who all know what they're doing and stuff. Yeah, like went to school for it. Yeah, and you're like, I think I maybe needed to go to the bathroom so that's maybe why I said it right in the audition. I don't know what I did that you guys like.

What did I have for breakfast that day? What did I do? What was the exact, how did I get there? Can we shoot this in the audition room? You become the baseball player that never changes his socks. Yeah, exactly. Because like, you know, like, yeah, these people, all the people you were on set with are regular, like actors that are on kind of regular series and all that stuff.

Yeah, I thought about what's his backstory? Where did he come from? Who were his parents? Oh, God. Did you ever. It's like, I'm Eric. All right. Did you ever, speaking of like the baseball player who doesn't change his socks, did you ever have anything like that with standup?

With like, you had to like. Because some guys listen to the same song before they go on stage. I used to have a thing, but I don't do it anymore. I used to always put on chapstick before I went out on stage. I used to have a thing, but I don't do it anymore. I used to always put on Chapstick before I went out on stage. Dude, I do that still. Do you still do that? Yeah. And you just walk on stage like...

I have... I used to have to go on stage with a cigarette, you know, like the bad boy that I am. It was like all these comfort things or have a drink or have something up there with me. And the chapstick thing

is too, yeah, always a routine. So chapstick before I go on, even if I just put it on, it does become that. Did I put it on?

It's chapstick. Go for it. Put it on again. So I'm just fiendishly applying. They're going to be looking at your mouth anyways. That's what's weird. I also insist on putting it on like for some reason'm just fiendishly applying. They're going to be looking at your mouth anyways. That's what's weird.

I also insist on putting it on, like, for some reason, like after I go to the bathroom and then I wash my hands, I put on Chapstick, which is the worst thing to be doing, walking out of a men's room.

It's just, I'm like, hmm, got to moisten these puckers back up. After all the glory going on in there. These threw a tizzy in the last ten minutes. Might as well do it while just counting singles walking out of a

men's room. I like that better. Hey, hey, hey. I used to do a thing, because I always had really short jokes and so I had to have like a list of 30 of them on a page. Yeah.

And I would just keep the page on and it would be super distracting that I would go back and look at the sheet of paper. And I would, I would say, you think this is distracting? Check this out. And I would start applying chapstick on stage. Until one day I forgot the chapstick and I was just like patting my, you think this is distracting?

Check this out. And I'm just like looking for it and it was more distracting you broke down for four months after that because your routine was disturbed but yeah i just i think i forgot the chapstick one night and then i then i never then i just never kept doing it like that was the end of that routine. But for years I would do chapstick. Chapstick's one of those panic things. Like, I'm like, if I've left house without my phone,

I'm like, cool. But if I don't have chapstick, I just buy a new chapstick. I'm at the point where I have chapstick in every room of my house. I didn't, it was, it was like,

it was like, it's a bad, I mean, it was a bad joke I do but like how they say like you can get addicted

to chapstick which means at the lowest point of your addiction you'd start blowing guys from chapstick which is just feeding the monster

cause you're just gonna need more chapstick afterwards it's just an endless cycle tougher than heroin guys tougher than heroin um and uh

like do you do you still have a drink on stage when you go up or is that yeah I gotta even if it's just just a beer

good question thank you yeah I always gotta have like something to sip on but that's also if you're doing an hour long show you want something

to wet the whistle yeah well you've done like on uh you've done like stand up on the late-night talk shows. Oh, yeah, that I don't have to for five minutes and stuff. But if you go out, is that more like, I got to have all the things in place because you just have no other distractions? It was one of those things where I was getting scared that that behavior was going to lead to like do you ever like notice when you just have hints of

behavior like a hoarder or something like i can't i can't throw out napkins if like somebody gives me napkins or paper napkins and i've taken them like i have to fold them up and put them in my pocket right so i have my jacket right now yeah i'm like I'm like, oh, it's just wasteful. But it's in a mindset of like, oh, it's just so wasteful. Yeah. Now I just have so many different fast food napkins in the house. People are like. You should throw a big party.

People are like, do you have paper towels? I'm like, no, it's wasteful. I just take out this giant stack of mix-matched. What do you want? You want the yellow Wendy's ones? You want the brown Taco Bell ones? Which goes best with the food reading? What's the color selection?

I like, see, that's kind of like, every napkin's got a story, and that could be a fun. Picked up these three back in 87, man, let me tell you. Oh, the McDonald's ones are embossed with a big M. Have you ever been to a fancy restaurant where the napkins are so nice that they're almost like cloth napkins? Or the paper towels in the bathroom. Yeah. We're like, am I supposed to throw this out? Yeah, and you're like, well, I'll pick up a couple of these for the road.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not crazy at all. This is almost a kerchief. Yeah. I can fold this up. This is a good pocketchief. Yeah. I can fold this up. This is a good pocket square. I can fill my printer with these. Yeah.

No, it's weird because there's people who will go buy napkins. Yeah, we do. Do you buy napkins? What are you doing? Ikea has really fun ones. Don't say cheap because I'll tell you where to get them for free. Anywhere. No, they're not cheap.

Literally anywhere. But they're like, they're very nice for the price, and they come in a nice big stack, and you get, you know, they look good. Oh, so you're just out there throwing away napkins. Well, I don't go for fast food as often as I should. Oh, look who's better than us now. Doesn't get fast food, buys his napkins at the store. And when I do get fast food, it's usually through a drive-thru.

So I keep all those napkins in the little compartments in the side. I do. I have them hidden like something goes down. Don't worry, guys. I got the napkin situation handled in a backpack. But isn't it so awesome? In every jacket. When something happens and then you reach in your pocket and I got the napkin situation handled. But isn't it so awesome? In every jacket. When something happens and then you reach in your pocket and you have a napkin,

you're like, oh man, this really worked out. Well, that's where I'm getting worried because now I'm starting to assign value to the napkins. Like, I got a runny nose, but I don't want to use my emergency napkin. It's just a little bit runny. And that's where the hoarder thing, I'm like, this is the little snowball that's starting to roll down the hill. And that's where

I had to get rid of it. So that's like the, I quit smoking. And now actually, I'll have like a cigarette maybe once in a great while and I don't go back to it. I don't want to have them

every day. But like breaking the having a drink on stage where like, oh, no, it's not i'm like just let it go and i'm like real proud of myself like it'll be okay yeah when i cannot panic over that stuff yeah the uh i do know what you're talking about with the napkin like but this is my this is the back of that so one of my nose is running later we have he's an already dirty

napkin that i've been keeping. This is my everyday napkin. I use it on weekend napkins. My weekend napkins. We have like, they stopped making the dog poop bags that we like. Oh, yeah. And so like, we had like a cache of them. And then there were some like factory seconds of that kind that were a little too sticky.

But they're still better than the like standard ones that they make now. So I'm like, I'm always finding them in old pockets and stuff. Oh, okay. I feel so happy when I find an old black one. Do you go on eBay and see if they have that? No, no, it's not that bad yet. But I wonder about that. Look at those vintage dog poop bags, you know.

Yeah, they're burlap. Horrible for the environment. No, I think burlap's cool. Well, burlap probably would be better than plastic, right? They probably don't give you plastic bags in the store here, right? They do. Okay. But you have to ask for them, I think.

Well, and if you have your own bag, you get like five cents off. Yeah. Right. I try to do that, but that's another thing I keep are plastic bags. Yeah, I keep plastic bags because I don't. I want my own garbage island. I'm not buying into big garbage island. I'm buying my own private garbage island.

I could use that to pick up after the dog. That's what I was going to say. But I buy a box of cereal. There might be a hole in the bag because the point pick up after the dog. That's what I was going to say. But I buy a box of cereal. There might be a hole in the bag because the pointy edges of the box. You know what I mean? Like my groceries aren't. Oh, in my head, I thought you meant like a hole in the bag of cereal. Yeah, yeah.

I told her wrong. Now who's paranoid? No, I buy pointy groceries and they poke holes in the bags. Yeah. I buy pointy groceries and they poke holes in the bags. I buy pointy groceries. I'm attracted to right angles. Yeah, all the time. I can't believe these ninja stars weren't in a package.

Fell all over the sidewalk. I need some new protractors. Yeah, also I'll take a plastic bag. I'll feel bad about it. And I won't throw it away because of that. I'll be like, oh, I can't just throw this in the garbage. But I won't just carry a canvas bag.

Like, I won't just cut out that cycle of shame. I'll just keep the plastic bag. So I got plastic bags. Probably I'm good for life at this point. I use them for my little bathroom trash can. Yeah. I got plastic bags. Probably I'm good for life at this point. I use it for my little bathroom trash can. Yep. Bathroom trash can.

That's about it. But then you get like the good bags that are better than the other ones. That's my problem. Like every festival gives you a tote bag.

No. I'm like, there's just going to be an organic tote bag island at some point. You like ecotourism?ism well we got a whole garbage island made out of festival tote bags yeah i can't stop giving out there's a turtle choking on a outlands festival or whatever south by southwest bags killed a whale last year

um do you uh like you said you have kind of maybe hoarder tendencies do you like do you collect anything are you a collector no that's i don't collect i think collecting is like totally lost on me yeah this is where i get real complex guys napkins and plastic bags can't get enough of them like figurines like everybody like loves vinyl vinyl i'm, I don't want more shit in my house. See, because you strike me as a guy that will have some vinyl in your house. I have some because you just get it now. People give you stuff here and there. But I never go to a record store and just flip through.

I'm like, oh, here's a big square of unnecessary technology. Or people go every week, whatever day of the week that comic books come out they'll go that day and they'll like oh you got the new this and yeah yeah right and i get i understand like it makes you pay attention to music and it's sounds more please note the motion making with my hand right there but uh for me i i that's the one thing where as much as i i'm lost on technology i'm so glad mp3 is like oh no it's just here's all my music yeah just here i do miss having something around even like a cd that would remind me i haven't listened to that album in a while i'll do that because now

you just get stuff on itunes and it gets pushed further yeah yeah yeah but i don't need like a wall of records to look at and be, look at my discoveries. But that's what it's there for, right? Is to show to other people. It's not for your own, right? Like don't people collect things and then they bring somebody over and they're like, this Coke bottle. I never brought anyone over. Like it's, I think it's maybe both, but, like, yeah, I, you know.

But there's a little bit of dick measuring when it's like, oh, I got this from 19, it's unopened. It is like the comic books. Yeah. But I guess you can see, but, yeah, I don't have, I don't have that. I look at, I do, like, if I see somebody with old skateboards or something, I'm like, oh, that's cool. Just because I remember that time in my life. Yeah. That was new and that showed up and that's all I wanted when I was 11 years old.

And now I'm like, I could just have it. Yeah. See, I know people who went through a phase where they weren't like collectors, but they bought things from childhood that they didn't have. Now that they have money, they went on eBay and that can spiral out of control. Yeah. Yeah. They went on eBay.

And that can spiral out of control. Yeah, yeah. Pretty fast. I've had to check myself on skateboards and bicycles. I have two. Yeah, yeah. But bicycles I use, not just for looking at. I know guys who were in bands, and then they got real jobs. And when you're in a band, it's all about, like, you've got to get this gear.

Yeah. Oh, I need the original version of this pedal not the reissue yeah and then you get a real job and you start making money and it's like well i guess i could go buy this stuff but i don't really i don't really play music as much anymore i i have too much music equipment for how bad i am at music like could you do you think you could cut a demo with what you have just in your house if i knew what i was doing with any of it yeah but i i bought i bought an electronic drum kit because i'm in an apartment so i can't but it's just me getting high and putting it on space sounds and

i'm not playing any rhythms i'm just sitting there amazed at sounds in my ears like I have I have like guitars that I like they're not like super nice thousands to thousands of dollars guitars but it is just to put it

through like the phaser effects pedal and then occasionally throw the headphones off because I think somebody's in my apartment because I'm I'm creeping myself out

with all these outer space aliens there's a phaser guy here what is that was that a real sound take the headphones off don't turn around Kyle myself out with all these outer space aliens. There's a phaser guy here. What is that? Was that a real sound? Take the headphones off. Don't turn around, Kyle.

Make an alien sound. I would think people would really get into Kyle Kinane's space soundscapes. I don't think I want to know those people. I think you maybe already do and you just don't know it. I haven't heard, is it H is it h john benjamin oh yeah jazz i haven't heard it yet i heard it's real hilarious like he doesn't know how to play anything doesn't know how to play piano and it sounds apparently it sounds like passable like passable experimental jazz can you hire real jazz musicians to play with them i don't know kind of furious at the idea of it i do. I do like the idea of paying people well and then wasting their time. But it's sort of like, you know.

You got Mario Batali coming over. We're having Hot Pockets. No, no, the microwave kind, Mario. Don't worry yourself about it. No, wear, the microwave kind, Mario. Don't worry yourself about it. No, wear the hat. It's kind of like when an elephant paints something, and you try to trick people. I'm like, hey, guess who painted this?

A goddamn animal. Is it good or bad? Yeah, is it art? What's the intention of the artist um now you said you have a bunch of bicycles how many bicycles do you have because usually it's a one person it's a one-to-one ratio for most people i have five bikes but what yeah but like unlike the musical instruments you know how to ride a bike right never learned just i just love the artistry. Yeah. Big fan of functional geometry is what it is.

No, I have. Yeah, because that's where I got into the, like, I have money. So I have three mountain bikes, which I'm still recovering from a crash from two weeks ago. Okay. So you actually, like, go up in the mountains and hills? Yeah, yeah. Also not good at it. But much worse side effects than just not being good at guitar.

Yeah, that's true. Playing drums in a helmet. It's going to be that elephant painting thing after a while. It's Kyle making guitar sounds after his bike accident. But even with people who are professional downhill mountain bikers, they look pretty out of control to me. Like, the best guy still. It's just not falling.

Yeah. Yeah. Just staying on, right? It really is. And I don't do that much crazy stuff. But it's still like, there's parts where at the end of the ride, if I haven't fallen, I'm like, oh, whoa. Better get that GoPro footage up online.

Start raking in that sponsorship money. And then I look at the GoPro. I do take a GoPro with me. And I'm like, it looks like you're just hiking. Like that's how slow I'm going. It looks like I'm just hiking. There's one where I'm like, squeaky brake. The one time I took it out. Yeah, I'm like, oh man, look at me.

I'm really shredding this part. And then like somebody's dog was off leash. Just kind of runs up and is like just kind of next to to me i'm like i guess i wasn't getting that crazy the dog is just not afraid of what i'm doing so three mountain bikes and then three mountain bikes a bmx bike and a road bike can you do any uh like uh bmx tricks i i went to a skate park in phoenix like a month ago and was actually riding riding the pool and doing something i was impressed yeah and i used so many muscles i didn't realize i was real sore i'd be scared that all the kids would laugh at me well because i'd fall off right

away no that was my biggest problem i'm still scared i still want to do teenage things and i'm still scared of teenagers yeah i still can't walk through a mall without being like, look at these dickheads over here. Say something to me, man. It's like, no, I just look like hipster dad. That's all I look like. They don't care about me. Were you afraid of teenagers as a teenager?

Yeah. Well, I have a smart mouth and a small body. That's a recipe for an air of fear. I guess I was too, but now I don't think i would be afraid of me as a teenager like i'd be afraid of a pack of teenagers sure yeah yeah well i'm mostly i'm not afraid of them i'm afraid of being made fun of by teenagers that's my big fear that a group of teenagers will see me doing something and start laughing yeah yeah because that seems like something teenagers could really get into making fun of me just just gathering around yeah giving them a focal point oh oh my god like uh

getting anxious who's next look at this guy oh no and then like you get home and you're trending i'm being online bullied i'm cyber bullying cyber if that's not a term it is cyber bully um uh i was thinking about bikes did you have bikes are only like they're only like 20 years not maybe not even older than cars. Oh, I thought you were going to say they're only 20 years old. But they were a pretty new invention around the time of cars. Yeah, and there was somebody who was really bought into bikes, and then they saw a car drive by, and they were like, I should have seen this coming.

Two more wheels. Two more wheels. I should have seen this coming. Two more wheels. Two more wheels. Yeah. Also, who's the person who designed the bike as we know it now? Jean Velodrome. I was going to go with Jeff Bicycle.

Jeff Bicycle. Much more believable name. I feel like it had to be a French guy. No, Jeff. Jeff bicycle. Yeah. Okay. They were going to call it the Jeff.

But then they were like, what about your last name? Well, I think a lot of these inventions were invented by like, you know, eight people were doing them all at the same time. And one guy like Henry Ford didn't invent the car. No, but like, you know, you see, like, the penny-farthing style. Like, who was like, no, not one giant wheel and two hilariously tiny wheels. I would think everyone said that when they saw that as the first place. They're like, lookit, this is how we're going to get around now. I mean, that looks ridiculous even for this time we're in now.

I was inspired by the Ferris wheel. How do you get on it? Well, you kind of got to get a running start. You have to get a friend to help you. Well, I see that because they do the double-decker bikes, or the really tall bikes. And you see people leaning up against a post. Oh, yeah.

At a stop or something like that? Yeah, because they can't stop. They can't put their foot down unless they're a stilt. Like, once you look at that stuff, like, oh, these are just kind of artists. Yeah. Riding their art around. I mean, I don't think anybody's like, I got to go to the store. Somebody hold up my bike while I climb on it.

Although, yeah, but there's probably a lot of crazy bikes at, like, a Burning Man or something like that. Oh, of course. And crazy cars. Crazy cars. Crazy people. at like a burning man or something of course oh and crazy cars crazy cars crazy people don't they do a car hunt at burning man where they just set a car off fill like fireworks and stuff like nobody's driving it because it's the desert so they can just let go and then they just shoot at it yeah is that true which which if hillbillies did that, you'd be like, this America is stupid.

But because it doesn't mention San Francisco hippies, like, look at their expression and their comment on hunting culture and stuff. But if some dipshits in Alabama did it, like, there's everything wrong with America. It's wasteful. And how it was affecting the environment. I think car hunting is a perfect solution to the idea of like, well, what are you going to do with an old car? Right? And then we don't have

to hunt animals anymore because we got all these cars we can hunt. We got all that car meat you can eat. Yeah. You can just live off that frozen car meat

for the winter. Yeah, with the bumper up on your wall. I want a bumper on top of my Cadillac of a different car that I hunted with. Have you ever been

to a Burning Man? No, I think for as juvenile of wanting to buy skateboards and drums as driving, I think that time

in my life has passed. Yeah. I watched a documentary around a few weeks where I caught like the last part and I was like, yeah, I don't think, I get the weeks where I caught like the last part and I was like yeah I don't think

I get the spirit of it and like the artistic like it just seems like it's kind of blown out of proportion and it's just people going like well you just get to

do all the drugs I'm like yeah but there's a other there's more of a spirit to it yeah but all those drugs I don't know

I'll skip out on that yeah I feel like it would be another one of those things I get there and everybody be like this guy doesn't belong here. This guy's a narc. I think you'd be fine, actually. I know.

They'd be like, he's trying too hard to fit in. I'd be like, no, I just want to hunt a car, you guys. People would just keep yanking on your beard. That's fake. You just got like a children's face painted to paint a cat on your face. Like, look, I'm like one of you guys. No. No. Yeah.

Stop asking for drugs by their scientific name. It's a dead kid book. I remember. Epinephrine. Ephedrine. Ephedrine? What do you call it? Hold on.

You got it written on your hand? You've got like a Latin chart of mushrooms. Dioxin. This one's going to get me. What's the shorthand for this one? Acid. That's the stuff. Yeah, you guys. You guys kicking any acid?

Dropping it. You drop, oh, never mind. I'll see myself out. Yeah. I talk into the radio on my lapel. They're on to me, guys. I remember being at an after-hours party in Chicago, and everybody said, back when we used to call it ecstasy,

but just some woman who looked like a news anchor in a shirt she bought from the mall that day, like, are you guys holding any ecstasy pills? And we're like, just keep, just go. I know I look out of my mind. I am out of my mind. But I'm not all love and hugs enough to fall for that. Pardon me, gentlemen. A lot of squares in here tonight anyways.

You look like you're a part of youth of today. Or a fellow young person like myself. Listen, young perp. I mean, child. Ah, shit. You don't want to end up in juvie i guess that would be kind of the downside if you ever became a cop is that you'd have to go like bust bust teens for drinking and drugs the upside being that you get to have all the drugs yeah yeah yeah and you get to hang out at a cop bar you can shoot them if they try to run away a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

So that's the upside. And then the downside is that you've got to be such a square. You know, because all those cool guys that became cops. You know, those super cool party dudes we all love? They're like, yeah, I'm actually going to be a cop now. There's got to be a couple party dudes who were like, who then were like, I'm going the complete opposite direction. I saw this documentary called Super Troopers, and those guys seemed like really cool.

They seemed like they got it. Well, going back to the Bernie thing, that thing, because everybody's on MDMA now and stuff. Right. Is that ecstasy? Is that the same thing? Somebody explained to me like, yeah, but it's not all the other stuff in it. It's just pure drugs.

Like, so it's more drugs for your drugs? It doesn't have the candy coating. Yeah, and everybody feels great. But that's why, like, rave culture is huge. Like, nobody could go to a rave sober. Like, that was a clear indication that it was a drug-fueled environment. Like, anybody trying to stand in a rave, like, nah, man, I'm just drinking the orange juice because I like the vitamin C.

I thought I was a laser tag. When am I going to get the gun? I don't get the gun ever. But that's what I feel like. I'm at a crossroads point between, like, doing mushrooms and stuff. Like, no, maybe that's the true reality out there, and I got to get to that. But then anybody on MDMA, I'm like, you losers don't know what the real world's like get your head out of your ass and pay your bills and they just it's uh edm is that what it goes

with yeah yeah that's what it pairs with yeah my my music and drug sommelier. What goes with a tiesto? I don't understand how mushrooms ended up being in the drug category. Like, I understand because of what they do,

but they just, like, it literally just is in the forest. Like, anybody could just walk into the forest and eat a mushroom

and then see a bunch of stuff. Well, that's my theory on chemicals and things not being biodegradable like it all exists it's all somewhere just some manipulation that's why i get upset that things aren't biodegradable the earth gave it to us yeah we're just giving it gave us the ingredients for plastic

we just came up with our own recipe mother gaia wanted us to have this. So I'm kind of like, what are you doing? Come on, Earth. Be cool. Literally, be cool. It's getting too warm here for a lot of things. Calm down. You're overheating, babe. Come on. I knew some people. I was in France and I was staying at these people's house

and they were away for the weekend and when they got back they had been out in like the forest picking mushrooms yeah but just to cook with and they would go to the pharmacy and bring all their mushrooms

and go up to the pharmacist and say which of these are poison uh and like a pharmacist has to know like okay

yeah I guess in France wow yeah could you do that here I go to Shuffer's Drug Mart and just go okay I don't know about Canada I would not trust I guess in France. Wow. Yeah. Could you do that here? Go to Shoppers Drug Mart and just go here. Okay.

I don't know about Canada. I would not trust the pharmacists. They know which aisle the Pringles are on. The pharmacists. Just does eeny, meeny, miny, moe. That one's good. Yeah, that one's good for getting you high. This one's good for risotto getting you high this one's good for risotto and this one will kill you or make them both together and the spaghetti eats you

um yeah i guess i don't know i know people that pick their own mushrooms like they just go out in the woods but do they have like a reference book that they're like yeah they have like a reference book that they're like? Yeah, they have like a, because there's ones that look, there's a lot of them look the same and one is delicious and one is the most poisonous thing. Oh, so it warns you with its taste. Or there's like a subtle, you know what I mean? Like, but you have to have a book. I know people that grow them, like you get the spores and then you just grow them. Really? So that's how it's controlled is they know it's coming.

Well, I guess the first batch is a real risk. I don't know. Got these from a guy in a chat room. Here we go. I've never heard of that, growing your own mushrooms. Yeah. Wow. Is that like in the backyard, I assume?

Or do they have a thing? No, I think like hydroponically maybe in an aquarium or something. Whoa. Huh. A whole new world. I don't know the details of it. Well, you know what? I just know a guy.

Next time you come back, do a little research. You'll be our mushroom guy. Next time I sit at the border for five hours again, make sure to bring a little something with you. Why are you coming to Canada? Well, I'm the mushroom expert there was the guy there's a guy at the border where i was like this guy has to be a distraction for whoever else is bringing something across because i always get put in the you're in trouble line yeah so i'm like all right i know that happens and i'm fine i'm sitting there

there's a guy a few feet behind me just the most the most surfer bro look at, like every surf brand he has on. And then you see him. He calls over one of the border agents. He calls him over and he's like, there's a lot of Asians in this line. I was like, what? What? Oh, wow. And the agent's just like, what does that have to do with anything right now?

So he's like, I'm just wondering if I'm in the right line. There's a lot of Asians in this one. Oh, yeah. I was like, you know what? Keep me here as long as this guy's going to be here. I want to see this story play out. And he's throwing him all this attitude. I'm like, you know they decide whether or not you get into the country.

Like, all right, well, when did you buy your ticket? Last night. You just decided to come to Vancouver last night. You have a problem with Asians. And I'm a surfer, dude. I don't know if you can tell by my clothing. There's a TV show that's like the only good Canadian reality show.

And it's all about the borders. And it just follows sometimes it's people coming across the border, sometimes it's all about the borders And it's just like follows Sometimes it's people coming across the border Sometimes it's the post office How people hide There's some weird African Like Drug that you chew

Oh yeah And people hide it and stuff Oh really And it's always There's a lot of people They'll say on their thing No I don't have any stuff. Oh, really? There's always a lot of people will say on their thing, no, I don't have any

fruits or vegetables. They'll open up their case and they got a whole thing with the roots and everything. I didn't know that. Well, I didn't pack this bag. Someone just gave it to me. No, that's a starch. It could still be a vegetable oh yeah that's another thing it's not like there's people that were stuck there for a while there's

like a nicely dressed woman eating an orange rind and everything that was such they brought her lunch and she's just biting an orange like an apple what's going on here like like like k-packs yeah yeah you were in the line of people they're not sure are from Earth. You were in the men in black lines. They're still describing it as that silver bird that brought them there. They didn't know where they were. What do I do with this? Do I solve this or eat it?

Balancing it on their head. This is for good luck, right? No, just go ahead and eat it. You're going to want to peel that. Now you know what? You're getting the vitamins one way or another. So five hours. Did they put you in an office by yourself for a bunch of that time?

I just sat in line and had to just answer a bunch. Plead my little case when I got up there. But I had a very nice lady who was understanding. That's good. Yeah, yeah. So I'm glad. But still five hours seems like a lot. Is it every time?

Is it five hours? I've been, I had, a boring story short, I had a lawyer on it that was not doing a good job. So the paperwork

that I was supposed to have for this trip was not completed in time. But I read the tickets books. I'm like, all right, I'll just go up there and throw myself

on the mercy of the border agents. Right. And it was not, I'm like, I'm like, I know I'll probably get kicked out, but I figured I was already supposed to come here. I'm playing at this show.

I bought the tickets last night. I could probably get a couple for you. Yeah, I bought the tickets last night. They give you an orange and they just see what you do with it. And they're like, yeah, this guy's all right. He knows what he's doing. This guy knows to peel it first. He skipped over the Chinese food we gave him.

He's on to it. We put him in the right line. Not so many Asians. I'm thinking like, oh, man, is it going to be good if I make a joke? Because if I got the same border agent that that guy talked to, I just want to be like, man, I could use a few more Asians on the line next time I come through here. I'm like, you know what? Maybe don use a few more Asians on the line next time I come through here. I'm like, you know what,

maybe don't, don't open with a joke on the border agents. I wonder, because I mean, it's been like, when you watch the border patrol show, like it's just,

everything's so serious. Everything's heightened, you know, like, probably most of their day is really boring. So probably they like a little, I'm dying to, to like one day be crossing the border and meet one of those people from the TV show.

Oh, yeah. That would be a dream come true. Good bust. They all were kind of having a chuckle at how ridiculous this guy was. Like, not with him. Like, he clearly wasn't, but they're all, like. Nudging each other. But their level of professionalism, when the guy is, like, trying to is like trying to why he's like well i just want to get a meal in

me you know because i've been in this line for hours he's behind me i know how long we're in line yeah yeah just want to get a meal in me you know i got diabetes guys like do you need a paramedic right now we will get a paramedic right now for you are you feeling lightheaded no i'm just saying do you need a paramedic if you're feeling lightheaded like just just mocking him to his face but doing the thing he's supposed to be doing yeah like, I'm just saying, do you need a paramedic if you're feeling lightheaded? Just mocking him to his face but doing the thing he's supposed to be doing. No, I'm just saying, I've been in line for, if you need a paramedic, we'll call

one right now, maybe. Let's get the paramedic. No, no, I don't want to. This guy's just trying to be a dick. Oh, incredibly good looking, by the way. Yeah, Crisp, like real tight haircuts.

But fashionable, not military, but fashionable tight haircuts and all. In good shape. Good shape. Yeah,

I've noticed that about a handsome group of people. At the airport, they're all across the board. I've never seen an out of shape. I will say that. I've never seen

an out of shape border agent. Young too. I think they must shuffle them off yeah i think that i think that yeah maybe that's why the police shootings in america are so high because they just can't chase people anymore like i'm from i'm from chicago and you will literally see like a cop that's just so fat they have atv like what would you do if i just took your gun i just took your gun you're so fucking fat you're a police officer we know that there's limits to like they should only make uniforms up to a certain size for police officers like if you can't fit in this there's no way you could do your job i'm not trying to be size discriminatory but a police officer

you have to it's a job. That requires some physical fitness. Yeah. A scoach. I remember watching, when I was a kid, I used to love watching Law and Order, and Lenny Briscoe was like, he is the older guy,

and every chase scene they put him through, I was like, he would have a heart attack. That guy would have a heart attack. Going up five flights of stairs, his partner's way ahead of him. Briscoe comes out near the end of the chase. To be fair, they're detectives.

Normally, it's not chasing. That's true. They've been getting an awful lot of chases for detectives. What's the show? I think it's on Netflix. It's called River. It's a cop show with Stellan Skarsgård, the Nordic

actor of some renown. Got them A's with the little circle over them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, I don't know, in his mid-50s I would guess. And he's chasing, like in the first episode, I'll spoil the first episode. He's chasing someone with his

partner and uh uh at the end it turns out his partner is a ghost but like that's how did you get here so fast it's like a serious it's like a serious brooding uh cop drama cop Cop ghost drama. But it's like that's something that would have been a you know 70s bad cop like. Ghost cop?

Yeah. His alibi is totally see-through and I should know. I'm a ghost. Like I think that's how they would have played it in the 70s. Now no one else knows that there's a ghost there. He can see his ghost partner? Yeah. Was it his partner from real life that died?

Yeah. He wasn't just paired up with a ghost. You know I don't work well with new partners, Captain. But I think this time might be a little bit different. With Casper here. He got out of my ghost cuffs. His cuffs are also

ghosts. His gun doesn't do anything. Why were you shooting? I showed you my badge. Who's talking

right now? People just think they're getting arrested by a schizophrenic cop. Yeah. You've gone through so many partners in the last year we're giving you one that's already dead

meet your new partner there's like a pot spinning on a clay wheel every ghost thing is happening oh man uh dave what's going on with you, man? Not a heck of a lot. Sure. Here's what is the main thing going on in my mind today, is the last couple of days, and this relates back to Kyle's chapsticking, the last couple of days,

I've been putting on hand lotion before I go to bed. Okay. And when I wake wake up my hands are so soft because i don't like it like you you do it throughout the day and then you get up you wash your hands you grab stuff you play with your phone yeah uh but overnight it's it's like well it's like night and day but the the downside of this is that now i have found myself uh online like looking for moisturizer gloves to wear overnight i don't know what that is i applaud your courage don't you applaud your hands are very delicate right now but i like you would maximize the moisturizing of your hands overnight if you put moisturizer in these gloves and sleep with your hands above your head.

And so even overnight, when you're pulling the blankets around, your hand would stay moist. They also make socks. Moisturizer socks? Yeah. So, but I thought the point of moisturizer was it's supposed to get in there. You're not supposed to keep them moist. You put it on and then it gets in there.

Gets in, but you keep the gloves on. Oh, it really opens the pores. Oh, yeah. Oh, those pores. And so I don't think I'm going to through with it not because it's ridiculous how is this affecting your carpentry work that's what i'm curious the wood is just sliding out of my hands i hit nine people with a hammer last week. It just flies right out. Sorry. But the most worrying thing for me would now be someone breaking into the house

and I have to confront them in the middle of the night with my moisturizer gloves. What if a bunch of teens come in at night? You just have these gloves on and you just look like somebody else that came to murder somebody in the apartment at the night. You just have these gloves on. You just look like somebody else that came to murder somebody in the apartment at the same time. What are you doing here?

This is awkward. Oh, man. I've never heard of that. I've never heard of moisturizing gloves. I've heard of like, yeah. I hadn't heard of it either. And then I was like, that would be a good idea.

I just Googled it. Just go on Amazon. What's the price on a pair of moisturizer? 10 bucks or less. Oh, well, at that price. Yeah, that's true. Can't go wrong. Wearing gloves to sleep.

I would feel, because they make like shower gloves for you to like, you know, put. Get some suds going. They make gloves for all kinds of things. sure baseball yeah skiing um but uh yeah i uh this is where this is like this is a boundary i will not cross i don't think is is gloves for sleep yeah what if somebody gave them to you for like... Yeah, okay. It was like a stocking stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about like a refreshing mitten? Just for one? Maybe something to spray a little lavender in there. Oh, that's nice. That'd be nice. This is a good like product jam sesh. This is how Calgun's breaking open new ground. All right.

Soft hands. We've made our business on it. Where do we go from here, guys? Yeah, hands. Okay. What do we put on hands? Some sort of moisturizing ring? Oh, good.

Yeah. Hold on. We've got to cover the whole hand. Yeah. Moisturizing jewelry? Guys, this is just a prototype, but I've got these boxing gloves filled with mayonnaise. Does anybody want to sleep in them? Boxing glove

Well yeah I mean I'll try it This is supposed to make my deck bigger right? Now we put We put tanning oil in them And you go and you lie in a bed A tanning bed But it doesn't work That would be a really weird A bed. A tanning bed. But it doesn't work.

That would be a really weird tan line to explain. Just your hands. That's what it is. Yeah, I tried some moisturizer. You know, like you'll go to a store and they'll have the sample one. You can try it out. But I just feel like then my hands are fucking greasy like stuff is just like yeah it doesn't it doesn't go it doesn't go in fast enough yeah yeah you just walk around sliming things yeah and then i ended up just wiping it on my pants and there's like

really expensive ones that you're like this must be better and it's you know not yeah well going back to the chapstick and everything, like, all right, because nervous and addicted, like I've chewed my thumbnails off and I'm younger. I did start putting moisture just on my, just on my fingernails.

Yeah. During the day. And my thumbnails grew back. So, huh. So there's some, uh, you know,

there's some, uh, healthy, healthy fingernails. Some science from Kyle. Yeah. Yeah. I just,

I don't do like, if I did any kind of work, then I would be like, yeah, at the end of the day, treat myself to some moisture. These baby hands. Margo and I have the same toughness of hands. There's a couple of veal patties right there at the end of your arms. Mine just dry out in the weather. Yeah. And I crack and bleed. Yeah, I guess.

You're just angling for some sponsorship right now. Yeah, hey, Aveeno, hit me up. Aveeno, send me a glove. Send me a glove. I'll rotate it through. Like the Michael Jackson of moisturizing. Wasn't there a character in Of Mice and Men that had always one glove for his lady?

But he would do that in the daytime. Yeah. Keep a hand, one glove full of Vaseline. To keep his hand moist for his bride or whatever. And then he had one rough hand for him, I guess. I went to a much dirtier place with that story. Oh, then his bride was the hand? Well, I don't have to.

Gotta keep a soft hand for my gal, you know what I mean? Ring-a-ding-ding. His mayonnaise boxing gloves. So that's what's going on with me. Contemplating sleep gloves. Yep. What's going on with you? Well, like I...

Like I says. Like I says, I'm not much on the physical labor front But this past weekend I helped Past guest, Alicia Tobin And now your upstairs neighbor, Alicia Tobin Paint her apartment And this is something that I used to do for a job Was quite good at it. You were a professional painter.

I worked as a painter. A college pro. Oh, no, I mean those guys. I mean, that's what you dream of at night. Someday becoming a college pro. But, yeah, so I did it and I was like, oh, this is, like, I remember this. This is fun and it's a bit hypnotic when you're doing it.

And then the next day I was so sore. Oh, man, I'm out of shape. Painting. Painting kicked my ass. You're stretching and moving. Yeah, but I mean, I should be doing a little bit of that every day. Right? You should be moving and stretching.

Paint an imaginary wall every day. Just with your motion This is some Karate kid exercise Yeah Oh yeah I should get in a fight This week

And see what happens Yeah did he have to Paint in He had to do a fence Paint a fence Yeah Wax on And then wax off

And then what was Admittedly it did seem Like a pretty roundabout way To teach the kid karate Yeah I mean it was very Self-serving Yeah exactly

Like I'm trying to save a few bucks. And then, yeah, he goes to Mr. Miyagi. He's like, yeah, so when do we get into the karate stuff? He's like, oh, I don't. You're racist for thinking I know karate. Karate, yeah. I just needed my fence face. Yeah.

Stir the broth. This isn't a move, is it? No, no, I'm just starving. Yeah, vacuum my floor. I mean, vacuum the floor yeah if he said my it would have changed the whole movie paint my fence um i do i i painted my brother's wall when he moved into his house uh and it is hypnotic it's like it's like as you can see the the, it's like, as you can see the color changing.

Yeah. Like it's, you see your work getting accomplished as you go. Yeah. Unless you're painting it the same color

and then you're like, I don't know if I painted. Why did I do this? I could have just left it alone. Some of these parts don't look as good.

Are they still wet? I don't know. Yeah, it's. Let's throw hair at the wall and see if it's still wet. Yeah, I remember when I was first, first painting, I painted over a spider and it didn't die,

so it just kept moving. So it was like a black market. Cut that piece of drywall out and sold it for $30,000. Not so still life. But yeah. Did the spider die? No, it just kept moving around on the wall. Why, did you see the spider first?

And you're like, I'm going to get you. Well, I was like, I think I said it in my sternest tone. I'm trying to do a job here. You're in my way. You see what's going on here. He's holding up a protest sign. This is the job. Yeah. You're in my way. You see what's going on here. He's holding up a protest sign. This is our home. Yeah.

I've got kids. Oh, no, my kids. I've got a million kids. We're just trying to beautify the region. No, you're not. You're forcing us out. Yeah. So anyways, yeah, I was painting a room really handed my ass to me.

And still kind of a little sore for me. Where does the expression painting yourself into a corner come from? The floor? Yeah, like you've painted everything. If it's a wall, you could still just walk away. Unless you're Jamiroquai or whatever. I guess that's not a video where he's on the wall. Inception, they do that?

Yeah. They fight on a... Inspired by Jamiroquai. Yeah. Do we want to move on to a bit of business? Yeah, let's do that. All right.

Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house.

You gotta do some more. Take care of business. Hi. Hi. Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported in part by Squarespace. I knew that. Yeah, you knew that. Did you know that if you have a passion that you obsess over, if it keeps you up at night,

if you live for it, you should show it off maybe on like a website. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know how to code. So. Well, you're up S Word Creek. No, no, I'm not. Because they, at Squarespace, they have easy to use tools and templates and they, it helps

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we want to let everyone know that starting next week for the next two weeks, starting next week. Yeah. It's the max fun drive. Fun. The, uh, the two weeks where we pull out all the stops,

bring you the best guests. Not like this week. He's sitting right there. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, we raise money for the Maximum Fun Network, and you can support the shows you love. And here's actually a couple ads for the shows you love. Hello, Brent.

Travis. Welcome to Trends Like These. What's Trends Like These, you ask? Well, it's a podcast where we take the news trending on the internet and we cover it in podcast form. We go beyond the headlines, beyond the memes,

to bring you the real story so that when your friends bring it up, you can look real smart. We take things that need to be debunked and we debunk them. And then we take things that need to be re-bunked and we re-bunk them. We bring you all the details and we give you a spin on it. Our opinions, our thoughts. And we also try to dig up some positive things to talk about.

So it's not all bummers. Just a couple of real life friends talking internet trends. So join us every Thursday on MaximumFun.org and wherever podcasts are found. I'm Allegra Ringo. And I'm Renee Colbert. And we host a podcast called Can I Pet Your Dog? Renee, can I tell you about a dog I met this week? I wish that you would.

In turn, though, can I tell you about a dog hero? May I tell you? About a dog breed in a segment I like to call Mutt Minute? I would love that. Could we maybe talk about some dog tech? Could we have some cool guests on like Lin-Manuel Miranda, Nicole Byer, and Ann Wheaton? I mean, yeah, absolutely. I'm in.

You're on board. What do you say we do all of this and put it into a podcast? Yeah, okay. You think? All right. Should we call it like, I don't know, Can I Pet Your Dog? Sure. All right.

What do you say we put it on every Tuesday on Maximum Fun? Or on iTunes. Sounds good to me. Meeting's over. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we overhear something hilarious, and then we share it here, and we all laugh. Oh, it's a time.

Now, we always like to start with the guest, if you would. I mean, he already sort of shared one from the lineup. A lot of Asians in this line, I think. Can you come back? Yeah, absolutely. I'll think about one. Mine is also Asian related. But a couple of weeks ago, I went with my sister to a hockey game and there was, my

sister's husband works for the Vancouver Canucks and And so she had parking in the building, which is, uh, wonderful. Uh, and then we were, so we had to like walk down through these very narrow hallways, uh, with a crush of other people, um, going down to the parking lot under the building. And it was just so crowded and, you know, edging past everyone.

And, uh, we heard someone say, believe it or not, this is what the Tokyo subway is like every day. Thanks. Yeah, thanks. I've seen whatever, Baraka as well. Ma'am, have you been to Japan? Because I just overheard. I'd love to hear about your trip.

Well, I saw Lost in Translation. And it's like the subway and that big street crossing. Sometimes I think people are just grabbing for something to say. And they're like, I guess this is as good as anything. Yeah. I mean, we're all trudging through these stairs. Why should we be in silence? We also saw in that, within two minutes

of that, we saw a celebrity, Michael Bublé, walking down those very stairs. And he's like, I can confirm I've been to Japan. Boobity boop. I assume this is what my music sounds like. I've never listened. Boobity boop.

I just remember when he did a cover of the Christmas favorite Santa Baby, but it was Santa Buddy. Right. And it was a lot. When it's Santa Buddy, it sounds a lot more like just a lecherous friend. Yeah. Who's asking for handouts. Yeah.

Instead of a duplex, he wanted a Rolex. Yeah, yeah. But like, why is that more male-related? Santa, hey man, are you holding? Santa's always asking him to help him move. Do you mind if I stay on your couch? What would he do? Graham, you have an overheard.

I do. Mine was I was eating in a mall food court The best kind of food court Yeah, absolutely All the flavors of the world Sure To choose from And you don't have to just pick one

You could get You could get a plate of spaghetti At Sbarro Yeah, you could get A side taco And then a spring roll. Yeah, I love it. They should have that at food courts because they, you know, restaurants will do a combo where you get burger and fries and drink for a reduced price.

But I want like a thing from every, I want a hot dog on a stick. Yeah. I want to eat the globe. Yes. That should be their slogan. Eat the globe at the food court. Yeah. Come to the mall.

Eat the globe. Then they get Jimmy World to play. And my overheard was a father with a kid probably eight years old. Between eight and 18. I don't know. And it's clear that the father has answered this question several times on this trip. And the kid's asking, where are we going? And the dad's kind of like, we're going to your math tutor.

And then the kid goes, yay. But he's clearly already asked. He's like, I just want to hear you say it again. Math tutor, yay. I want to reaffirm how excited i am about this math so let me serve you up did you ever have a tutor uh yeah in uh high school because i nearly flunked out of math oh yeah yay was it like a private person who came to your house did you go to their house was it sylvan it was sylvan oh yeah so i had to sit at a table with uh two other idiots what's this one again that's six

okay yeah but if you look at the other way it looks like a nine wait a minute now it looks like they're doing stuff graham this is why you're failing great grades in biology though this is why you're failing. Great grades in biology, though. It's amazing. He's really doing amazing over here. Health and biology. He's nailing it.

Biology class. Because the animals are going down on each other to produce life. Now, do you have a remembering overheard? I'm trying to think I mean I am came up here just at the end of a tour

through through the southern part of America and there was a lot there was a lot of experience I don't know if it

I don't know if it counts as overheard because I was with this group of people oh it counts but everybody's doing it's fine some

a show where at the end of the show, someone's like, yeah, you want to go to Scary Pier? That was the name of a place that was in the bayou. And it's like, well, man, just the words no and yes are both being screamed out in my head right now.

Scary Pier. What was it? It was just a pier that just went through the bayou. We were supposed to be able to see alligators, but we didn't see any. What I did see was some people doing some drugs that go in your nose, and then drugs were happening, and then they were out, and one girl was like, aw, there's nothing left in there. The guy was like, yeah, sorry, you only had this much.

What are you going to do, put the rest of it in your butt now? And she's like, well, yeah. And then that's what she did. She just put drugs in her butt. And I was like, well, yeah. And then that's what she did. She just put drugs in her butt. And I was like, listen, I'm not a big... I have my fun, but I know there's other ways.

There must be a better way. She just put cocaine in her butt? Yeah, I know there's ways to do that. I don't want to be a prude here. We're all doing drugs. Don't do that. Don't do that. But, miss, don't do that.

I'm not a... I've never even seen cocaine, but I know of it going up butts to Transport Across the Border, Maria Full of Grace, and if Stevie Nicks has a roadie, blow it up her butt. But I don't know... At least there, there's an assistant.

Yeah, that's true. Well, yeah. Down and dirty just touching stuff with other people around, and then I know what you did with that hand. Anything else, Miss Nicks? Well. That's how we're joking, like this is the worst drug mule. Just gets across the board like, bags?

Oh, man. You wanted me to fill a condom with what? I just, I misunderstood. He's going to have to hang out with me for the next, I don't know, six days. I'll be awake. I'll just tell you some stories.

Let's go to Scary Pier. With my scary peers. A. With my scary peers. A jury of my scary peers. Well, that's right. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from people around the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from right here in vancouver hi a guy named andrew c hi i was at the yale town petapalooza which this was a summer festival event uh and

uh when did like lollapalooza was the first to use palooza right and then ever since it's just been like uh yeah what are the the best uh suffixes palooza stravaganza gate ganza gate yeah tacular yeah oh yeah mania um could uh a rival wrestling the faction put out like a wrestling palooza? Wrestlepalooza? Yeah, Wrestlepalooza makes sense. I just remember the WCW used to have their equivalent to Wrestlemania was something called Halloween Havoc. Or sometimes they also had

a Bash at the Beach was another one. Sure. Nothing that sounded as good as Wrestlemania. Oh boy, that sums it up. Yeah. For some reason, Smorgasbord feels like it should have a good... Wrestleborg. Yeah. But it doesn't.

It doesn't work with anything. So, I was at Yaletown Pedalpalooza where they had things like bulldog races. Oh, my God. And fake grass you can put in your house so that you don't have to take your dog outside. Less exciting. Yeah. I overheard this woman who was wearing a Lululemon yoga pants, a pink tank top, and had a selfie stick say,

let's go over there. I think that booth is selling kombucha for dogs. Oh. Dogs need Oh. Dogs need that. They're omnivores. Yeah, they know. Just Sprite somebody sneezed in.

Your dog will love it. There you go. Sprite somebody sneezed in. Wow. I did overhear that. I was in Northern California, and somebody was like, yeah, they got Booch on tap over there. Booch. The woman had a selfie stick. in Northern California and somebody's like, yeah, they got booch on tap over there. Yeah. Um,

the woman had a selfie stick. Yeah. Is that the item that like, because vaping quickly went from like the moment vaping was introduced, it was the douchiest thing.

Yeah. But was the selfie stick also like, was there any point where it was cool? I think it was, i think it was there i think that when it first came out people were like well of course like this was an inevitable yeah but i need to bring i need to have two things on me at all times to take pictures of myself i

would say the functionality of being on vacation and like oh i'm me and my sweetie and i'd like to get us in front of this landscape. Okay, fine. Yeah. I don't know. Probably that I was in Hawaii over the holidays and like, it's like,

Oh, we got to go up to the top of this mountain and see a sunset. And it's just everybody just looking through divine, like, look at the sun, look at the thing you came to look at. And it just looked like just like just so many sticks. I'm like, this is ridiculous.

Well, that in concerts. Concerts, I think that's a slappable offense. There's somebody selfie. Or if you're holding your phone up more than five seconds. Now I get that video I'm never going to watch. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was at one concert, and somebody was doing that. It was a small place.

So I was holding my phone up right in front of theirs. And they'd look at me like, oh, I'm sorry. Am I obstructing your view? And pick smaller people to do that to. Oh, yeah. Well, rule number one. Punch down. Of pranks.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, uh, I don't know. Yeah, I guess selfie sticks were never,

they were never cool. No, they were never cool. I can see it being functional for traveling. Also, when you think about the alternative,

which was used for decades, was getting a kindly stranger to take your picture and hope they didn't run away with your camera yeah you there take a picture and then you wouldn't even know if it turned out well yeah for but for decades it was um how do i do uh it's this hold the button down hold the

button down hold it's gonna light red. It'll light up red. That would be, back in the day, that would be a fun prank to have a camera that when you press the thing, it opens up and film just spools out. What did you do? Oh, that was the last photo on the roll. My honeymoon. We saw Bigfoot. We got the second shooter on the grassy knoll. Oh, no.

Oh, man. This next one comes from Megan from Baltimore. I see a lot of I heart my insert dog breed bumper stickers around behind someone in traffic. I wasn't close enough to read the dog breed and couldn't figure it out based on the word link. Finally, I got close enough to read. I heart my Argentinian wife. How is that a bumper sticker? There's enough of them.

Yeah, I guess. I heart my mail order bride. My real doll. Oh, maybe she showed up and that was just in the swag bag. Oh, yeah. From the mail order bride. I love my Argentinian wife. Oh, well, it's a document. Proud husband of a bee student.

Yeah. Pr, well. It's a document. Proud husband of a B student. Yeah. Proud husband of a B student. I don't know. I panicked. We married young. I was her tutor. I worked for Selman. We're 69 now.

Mathematical romance with a teacher and student through math. Yeah, they just both are staring at 69 together. Now you know six. She's afraid of seven. And finally, this one comes from Tracy, parts unknown. I teach the sixth grade, and as I was reading the tests and the students were to fill out a graphic organizer about the story they read, the last question has them predict what they think would happen next based on the information in the story about a woman who became an emt with a rescue dog one student wrote the following what's next the student writes she dies

and then it says why do you make that prediction and the student writes yeah it's uh faultless logic yeah i do i mean they're letting women be emts with dogs now yeah oh i know it throws out that old riddle yeah i don't think it was a joke no is that not a bar joke i can't operate on this person it's my son she's a woman doctor she's a woman emt with a dog with a female dog oh what a bitch now in addition to overheards written in we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hi, fellows. This is Dom from Los Angeles, and I'm out walking my dogs.

And I just heard somebody across the street go, did somebody say pizza? And I heard somebody else go, we sure did. And yeah, it was just a guy delivering a pizza. Dom, that was probably me. I'm going to be honest. On Glendale Boulevard right by the old Ralph's. Yeah, that was me. That's my last name.

Did somebody say pizza? But like they're never that excited. Pizza delivery guys? Yeah. Oh, I would be. If I was a pizza delivery guy because you know you're into it in a big way you're making someone's day yeah like that's the one uh kind of that level of job kind of like a minimum wage job where you're guaranteed everybody

that you interact with is happy to see you unless you're late oh yeah but i i would never be late i assure you yeah well you wouldn't use did somebody say. Unless you're late. Oh, yeah, but I would never be late. I assure you. Yeah, well, you wouldn't use, did somebody say pizza when you're late. Did somebody say a little kind of cold pizza? But did this, like, is there no doorbell or anything? It's just somebody out front. I figured somebody outside in front of a big apartment complex. I'm like, did somebody say pizza?

We sure did. big apartment complex. Oh, yeah. Did somebody say pizza? We sure did. But just a fun, like, back and, that's what, when people want to make America great again, some people, I can't remember who, they're remembering 50s values with just, like, milk men coming to your door. Did someone say milk?

I did eat dry cereal. 50s values. White people happy to see each other. Is that what you're trying to say? I mean, that's what I think

anyone trying to bring back 50s values is trying to say. I think we've come a long way, baby, but I don't live there. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and pleasurable guests.

It's Victoria calling from London, Ontario. I teach kindergarten, and today one of the kids came in, and she had a box that it looks like a present, and her mom came over, and explained that uh their dog had died yesterday so they had brought their dog to the vet to put it down and the kid in my class had made a gravestone for her dog so she had taken a pizza box and wrapped it in silver wrapping paper and she attached a pretend flower as she said a heart and gemstones and also a poppy and she wrote on the gravestone once there was a dog and the doctors came and took that dog to the doctors and she had also drawn a picture of the dog and her and a cat

as well as a cheese slice, a porcupine, and a money sign. So when I asked her about those, she said that the money sign is because it's a lot of money for the doctors to take her dog away and her dog, Sucky, really liked cheese slices. And as for the porcupine, her dog could never play with a porcupine and also porcupines don't live near us anyways that's my only opinion. I want that I want that girl to design my head stuff yeah it sounds a

little busy yeah yeah yeah that's true did you add the years the dog was alive that's sort of de rigueur. That would be the... Can you imagine if you were able to go on a website and then they get a kid from some school to design your obit? You tell some of your interests. You give them the stats, and then you send it to a kid, and then that kid comes up with the obit, and then that's your obit. That's kind of a great idea.

And it's got the pacing of a kid telling you and then he was born and then and then and then and then I think he had a wife but then also but then his wife died but then but then

also. And the kid is just grabbing their crotch the whole time. Doing that weird kneading motion. But then also and also have you ever

been on an airplane? I was on an airplane last year but then. And a picture of an airplane? I was on an airplane last year. But then. And a picture of an airplane. Yeah, that was the airplane me and my mom were on. And it's shooting bullets out of it. That's a good idea.

That's a good idea. I think follow this kid's life. It's like that in her, he writes letters for a living or like oh yeah right not greeting cards but like personalized sort of i forget what the weird company is but it's a futuristic and he writes personal company yeah like he writes letters for breaking up or okay right yes like they give him the information then he writes a beautiful letter yeah i think that's what this company is yeah except it's with kids yeah i feel letter to explain. Yeah, I think that's what this company is. Yeah, except it's with kids.

I feel it's more of a fashion. I think it's Glamour Goth. I figure that's what's going to sell it, your bedazzling death. Oh, yeah. Oh, that is good. I think that's where I'm going with it. Glamour Goth. I just like the idea that the kids, you know, get them into the work world

use their imagination. Also get them accustomed to the fact they're going to die. That's true. So hard child labor. Here is your final overheard of 2016. David Graham, luxurious

guest. This is Luke and Settle and I'm calling with an overheard uh last night I was uh in a local bar with some friends and one of those friends brought her dog and there was another dog in the bar and the dog at the bar was trying to help my friend's dog, and this was going on for a while, and a guy standing behind us near the door of the bar said very loudly but casually to his friend that he was with, of the dogs, looking at the dogs, I sure hope those dogs aren't gay,

and then they just turned around and left. Of the dogs, looking at the dogs. Sure hope those dogs aren't gay. And then they just turned around and left. I do not condone homophobia in any way, but the idea of somebody caring about whether a dog is gay, I just can't stop thinking about it. I really hope... I really hope... I really hope i really hope uh oh boy oh yeah yes we did yeah now do you think he was being homophobic by calling that in do you want him to explain himself further

because he called back here we go hello Jason wonderful guests this is Luke I just called about the gay dog thing I just want to make it clear I do not think homophobia is funny I just think a guy

carrying a dog, they're gay. It's also extra funny to me because this is a male and a female dog. These are totally straight dogs. This guy is so worried about getting killed. I love the job. Thanks. Goodbye. if we let dogs be gay what's next people are gonna want to marry each other oh boy he's laughing about that still now. He's still tickling him. But it's not the thumb. Oh, man. My hands are slippery. Oh, boy.

Thank you, Luke. Yeah, that was fantastic. What part of the world was he in? He was in Seattle. Seattle. At a dog bar. Yeah. Of all the places.

Oh, boy. I have to find a homophobic animal lover. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, maybe it wasnophobic animal lover. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, maybe it wasn't an animal lover. Yeah. Yeah, he has a lot of hate in his heart. A lot of dogs in this week's Overheard.

Yeah. Well, why not? Dead dogs. Live dogs. Paramedic dogs. Kombucha dogs. Yeah. Now, that brings us to the end of this here episode.

Yeah. Kyle. It's a shame. I know, right? Thank you so much for being a guest again. Man, always a pleasure. My pleasure. So fun.

Now, this is going to come out second week of March? Let's call it the 7th of March. 7th of March. Do you have anything that you would like to plug? 7th of March, you're telling me, huh? I sure am. Boy, let's see what's happened around that March. Let's all look at our phones.

I'm going to be in the Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo, New York. Oh, cool. To kick off a New England tour that will take me through the next week and a half. Nice. Do you name? The newer England part of America.

Do you name these little tours? I was for a while. That seems fun. I didn't have any for this time, though. Let's think of one. New England. Patriots. They've got Pilgrims.

Pilgrims and Patriots. Those old buckle hats. One to buckle your hat. Boy, this guy did not do well in math. If you know anything about math, two rhymes is two. And thank you, everybody out there, for listening. If you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Pictures and videos of things we talked about on today's episode.

Org. Pictures and videos of things we talked about on today's episode. What are we talking about? Kabocha. Oh, yeah. Lotion gloves. Oh, yeah. Some kind of weird lotion gloves.

Paint. Graham's muscles. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know where they are. So maybe like one of those ads where it's like the muscles got like a red. We'll see what I can do. Yeah, see what you can whip up.

And if you like the show, tell your friends and maybe leave an iTunes review. Yeah, and also next week, the beginning of the Max Fun Drive. So get those, get your wallets out. Yeah, get your checkbooks ready. We're going to have to come to you hat in hand once again. Panhandle fest. Panhandle palooza. Hell yeah!

Finally. If you don't support the show, we'll just, we'll be reduced to busking the podcast outside. Outside of various subway stations. Oh boy. Or in subway restaurants. When we're hungry. Oh yeah. Brother, can you spare some ham? Fine. Fine. Oh boy. Or in subway restaurants. When we're hungry. Oh yeah.

Brother, can you spare some ham? Fine. Fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine and it's good and it's fine. And thank you so much for listening and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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