Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 43 - Dan Werb

Episode Date: December 20, 2008

Dan Werb of Woodhands joins us for our Holiday Special '08.  We talk Japan, play Celebrity Crush Hat, and open our Secret Santa gifts.  Emmett Hall and Craig Anderson also stop by to offer glad tidings of great joy.

It's Christmas time, time for us to get together. Even in the coldest weather, the better, the better, just wear a sweater. It's Christmas time, time for us to get together. Even in the coldest weather, the better, the better, just wear a sweater. The colder the weather, the better the better. Just wear a sweater. Mom's got Chris sandwiches in the oven. Filled with lots of lovin'. Hello everybody and welcome to episode 43 here on the podcast.

Holiday edition of the podcast. That intro music you heard was from Paul Anthony's album. What was it called? Christmas is Extraordinary. Yes, Christmas is Extraordinary. Paul Anthony, former guest. Yeah, Christmas is Extraordinary. Paul Anthony. Very funny young man. Former guest.

Yeah. My name's Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man that dare not speak his name, Dave Shumka. Oh, how dare you? And joining us here on the podcast, a musician just returned from Japan. Recording artist. Recording artist, longtime friend of Dave Shumka. Importantly.

Most importantly of all. Most importantly. Dan Werb. I was actually, there were two Daniel W's in elementary school. So I was Daniel Wee. And there was Daniel Wah. Daniel Wale. And there was Daniel Waugh. Daniel Walters. And what happened to him?

He's nowheresville now, am I right? He became a pariah. Did he? Well, to us. Did he study for that? No, he became a piranha. Oh, okay. Shall we get to know us?

Mm-hmm. Get to know us. Dan Werhmm. Get to know us. Dan Wurb is, listeners to last week's episode, Dan Wurb is the front man of the dance pop duo Woodhands. Is that a good description? Yeah, that's great. It's a duo. Has it always been a duo?

No, no. There were more individuals. In fact, Dave's band, the Screaming Eagles, played with my band of woodhands at a few different places. Most notably, an empty church in Victoria. Yeah. Empty for no audience? Empty because no one was interested in coming to see us. Yowzers. Ouch. And I got really upset. That coming to see us. Yowzes. Ouch.

And I got really upset. That was a bad night. As you would. And we were in these, like in the back of the church, there were all these robes. These religious robes. Well, I think they were just the choir robes. Did you put them on? I put them on, and then I got drunk because I was so pissed off.

And then I fell off the stage and twisted my ankle. Oh, see? And the only person who was there to see us was my brother. But he was backstage the whole time drinking your wine. Yeah, he was, wasn't he? Yeah. Which was formerly water, right? Well, I think that's a rite that every priest learns.

That's right. How to turn it into wine. Jesus taught us that. And then back into urine, right? Circle, circle, circle of life. The circle of water world. Yeah. Dan is also the guy who we both got turned down from seeing Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves

when we were in grade six. Oh, that was from last week's podcast. Yeah, you guys. And what did you guys go and see instead? Ladybugs. Oh, that was from last week's podcast. Yeah, you guys. And what did you guys go and see instead? Ladybugs? No, it was... If only. It was a movie theater that just had one theater.

So we walked home and I tried not to cry. Oh, man. Movie theaters with one theater. That's gone the way of the dinosaur. That's not around anymore. Well, that one is. That was the Dunbar in Vancouver. There's still the park and... Oh, yeah, the park. That's not around anymore. Well, that one is. That was the Dunbar in Vancouver. There's still the park.

Oh, yeah, the park. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dunbar plushed up their seats. That's the big rumor. So the Dunbar is still around? Yeah. With plush seats.

Yeah. And the Rio on East Broadway. Oh, that does only have one theater. Yeah, and the Van East as well. Oh, well, eating my words with a fork and knife. My apologies. So, Dan, what's been going on with you lately? Well, I've been in school.

I started going to school. You didn't start. You're getting a master's. No, but I haven't been in school in eight years. Oh, so you've just gone back recently. I just went back, and I got a BA, a Bachelor of Arts. A badass. And now I'm getting a Masters of Science.

Wow. I gotta say the transition is a little difficult. So when did you finish your Bachelor of Arts eight years ago? Seven years ago, yeah. Seven years ago and now you've decided to go back

yeah what made you decide what like you're you're doing well with the music thing right that's all coming together yeah it's okay but there's like this fear right you know you got this fear and like i like it i live my life in fear yeah i am well aware of it but it's not pushing me to go back and better myself i don't know i'm dead like i do uh i do hiv research and that's outstanding and uh yeah my bosses were like if you actually want to be good at this you should probably get a formal education so you were doing you were just doing like uh research just out like you just got hired on with a firm or something and kind of yeah and you were like okay i've got a bachelor of arts a musician did you schmooze your way into the job you can talk a big game dan listen it's hiv research yeah anytime i say that people are

always like oh yeah yeah no one ever questions no one ever thinks you get into it through charm. Yeah, well, I don't know how you would get into it. Donations? Do you have to study HIV before you can study AIDS? Is it like getting AIDS? Hey, yo. Come on, guys. That wasn't too bad. That was...

I knew this was going to happen. Did you? Cautious AIDS jokes. Yeah, come on. I'm not trying to make a cautious AIDS joke. I share my birthday with World AIDS Day, so I have every right. Respect. To what?

To, I don't know, belittle the disease. Get your own ribbon. Yeah, come on. So what do you do? Do you think next year people will wear dave ribbons yeah okay i'll wear one all right for awareness it'll be red though yeah and if anybody asks me i'm gonna tell them that it's an answer all right but you and i all know it's for you um what do you do like what does your research entail do you just so i uh so i got into it because i was i was doing drug policy research dp the dp

dpr yeah dpr yeah dr pepper um and uh and there's like all this overlap because people who do drugs if they inject said drugs and they share their needles they can transmit hiv oh okay i thought you were talking about like the drugs that you administer to somebody after. No. No, no. Initially, it was like people who inject cocaine or heroin or whatever. People injecting cocaine?

Yeah. Man, what's going on with this? For the first time in my life last night... Shot up cocaine? No. For the first time in my life last night, I think I witnessed people doing cocaine. Really? I time in my life last night i think i witnessed uh people doing cocaine really i was in a bathroom at a bar where there was a comedy show but it was also the uh

the their bar the soho can i say that yes you can say that the soho full disclosure yeah all right uh i don't think you're rubbing anybody's name in the dirt with that one. But the, I was, yeah, it was also their staff party. And so they didn't give a shit about the comedy show. As opposed to every other week when they're really dialed into it. Well, usually it's just empty. But it was full. And I went to the bathroom and there were these two guys sharing a stall.

And they were talking the whole time and doing a lot of sniffing. That's what people who snort cocaine sound like. You can't get AIDS from snorting cocaine. You can. What? Intranasal transmission. You can get AIDS from snorting cocaine? Yeah.

How does cocaine get the AIDS? Isn't that fucking crazy? Yeah. How does... Yeah, how does cocaine get the AIDS? It's like you can't... You're probably... Chances are this isn't going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but this is a possibility. Okay, so I think the way it goes down is that you snort it and then stuff leaks out of your nose, like blood, because you can get... Oh, yeah, you can get that. I've seen it in Scarface. Maybe it drips on your cocaine.

I don't know. And you snort it anyway? Or maybe you're sharing... Gary Busey and his dog. Or you're sharing that little implement. Or the $100 bill if you're a baller. Did your research... How much is spent on ballers? There is a lot a baller. How much of it is spent

on ballers? There is a lot on ballers. That's a significant portion. At least in the glossary is the word baller. And the pages you can find ballers. Is it always interesting or is it

lots of numbers on paper? I like to think that it's i mean i find it really interesting yeah some of the stuff i do is pretty boring is there a difference between aids and full-blown aids something tells me you don't take his aids work very seriously at all well my i've been doing this job for like three years and i was working out of toronto from home right and my parents, who constantly fret about me because I play music also,

assumed I wasn't... And that sends them into a tizzy? Yeah. They somehow assumed I wasn't employed. And they were like terrified the whole time. And I've had to like tell... It's the weirdest thing. Where I was like, this is like a... It's a respectable job. Where I was like, this is like a, you know, like, this is a respectable job.

Sure. HIV research. And yet, I can't convince my parents that I actually have this job. They're like, but where are you getting your money? I'm like, but I get a paycheck. Your parents live out here? They do. Do you live out here?

Well, I just started living out here, yeah. But you were in Toronto. Yeah. You moved out to UBC? Yeah. I think listeners of our podcast think that Canada is composed of Toronto and Vancouver. What about Calgary? I dropped that bomb last week.

And Montreal. Yeah, Montreal. All right. I've mentioned. They now know there are four. Halifax? Four cities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But really, though, I've mentioned. They now know there are four. Halifax. Four cities. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But really, though, come on. Yeah, get real. Get real, Dave. Edmonton, I believe. There was an extensive Edmonton chunk. You get real. I'm trying to. If I had a chair to sit on backwards,

then put my hat backwards, then we could get real. Just cash. Stop sitting on your chair forwards, we could get real just cash you know stop sitting on your chair forwards dave i'm just like you so you're uh and then you just came back from like a you were like doing two shows in japan yeah well that was a while that was like a month ago maybe you know what even if it was three years ago i would still use it as i just got back well i kind of feel like i just got back yeah yeah how long were you in japan for it was a week was it amazing it was pretty crazy were you in tokyo yeah i so dave i don't know if i mentioned dave was in this band called screaming eagles you mentioned it earlier maybe maybe i mentioned it

yeah so i went and saw them live. I have their CD. Do you remember the stocky drummer? Yes. He lives in Japan now. Really? And we stayed in his apartment. He broke up the band.

Which is about, his apartment is about half the size of this room. No. That we're currently in, which for listeners is pretty small. Yeah. I think you're just drawing a caricature of japan no i swear to god paper walls yeah come on he's a sumo wrestler now etc lives in a tiny place he lives in a tiny place and me and paul osaka aqua bus paul is the drummer my man and we stayed with him and i slept in his bed vertically oh really head to head to toe or whatever no no

just face to face he's like he's he can be a bit of a surly dude i would say so he was like in my bed all of a sudden and so i got there and he was like you could you can sleep in my bed and i was like oh my god simon that's amazing he's like but you have to face the wall the whole time. So I couldn't move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was stuck, like, just hugging the wall, spooning the wall. Simon was our drummer, and everyone who knows him does an impression of him. Why did he move to Japan? Life experience.

Is he teaching English over there? Something like that. That's all. life experience yeah is he teaching english something like that yeah that's all nobody goes to japan from here and like drives a tugboat or something like that like they always you went to japan oh you're teaching english like that'd be awesome if you i went to japan oh what were you doing uh flamethrower i was doing a lot of flamethrower work out in the uh outer regions man it's harder it's hard to get any other job, though. Because there's so many Japanese people. It's true.

There's a lot of Japanese people. In Japan, especially. And they're like, I've heard, I don't want to generalize, but I've heard that... They're all sumo wrestlers. They just love the sumo. They can't stop with the sumo. Their national anthem is the theme from Mario Brothers. the sumo they can't stop with sumo their national anthem is the theme from mario brothers but i heard that that it's a very like uh homogeneous culture yeah yeah you know it's

like and it's very sort of like traditional and maybe a little xenophobic oh okay so i mean i don't know you should get sim on the show. He could probably tell you more. So you were doing shows there? It would be incredibly awkward. He listens, you know. I know, I know. So you do... I'm just joking. You did shows over there?

In clubs or something, or what? Yeah, we had a showcase for... It's an industry term. It's an industry term. I know the channel. You did a, you know, low- the channel. It's a presentation. Exactly. It was a lot like the Red Shoe Diaries.

But less swanky. Less saxophone. But more Duchovny. When you were in Japan, did you see any of that? That's my favorite thing is when people go to Japan and then they see something that's American, but something that we will never get to see over here, like an advertisement for something featuring Brad Pitt or something. Tommy Lee Jones. TLJ.

Tommy Lee Jones advertising what? A drink, like a coffee drink called Boss. Oh, see that and it was just his like it was like him from shoulders up just staring blankly at the camera with uh like superimposed next to him this coffee drink see i love it like that's what i love it because they've taken whatever it is that's uh american pop culture put it through some odd filter that's all their own and but we never get it back like it never comes back over here i think that's why they're willing like tommy lee jones is willing to shill like coffee drinks because

it'll never it'll never come back so it's only like he's only protecting his respectability in his home country yeah he added in his deep heart of hearts he's sellout he just had to go across the scene I don't think he's known as a sellout in Japan I don't think that I'm saying I'm not gonna sell out in theory just because he went all the way to Japan man wouldn't you well we named it right I haven't been given a chance yet Dude honestly Just give me a chance to sell out If Dennis Hopper is doing those weird insurance ads

Oh he sold out a lot Dennis Hopper And he was like He's the You're right He was Captain Captain America's

He was Captain America No he wasn't The motorcycle was Captain America Rebel Without a Cause He wasn't Rebel Without a Cause He wasn't in Rebel Without a Cause He directed it What? Yeah

Wait, wait, wait This sounds controversial I think we're getting confused Dennis Hopper would have been like 10 at that time Who do you think Dennis Hopper is? Dennis Hopper is the guy from Easy Rider And then later he played King Koopa in the Marriott What movie did I say he

Rebel Without a Cause. Yeah, I meant Easy Rider. He directed it? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Have you seen... That is factual. Have you seen the documentary about Apocalypse Now?

Apocalypse Wow, it's called. And yeah, he's just on drugs the whole time. Yeah, well, and that scene at the beginning where the... Who is it, the lead in it? Michael Duggan? Martin Sheen. Martin Sheen. Oh, Dennis Hopper.

Dennis Hopper. When Martin Sheen's in the hotel room. James Dean. That was all... He was really... Freaking. Yeah, he was actually drunk and freaking out during that scene. Like, none of that is.

He didn't even know they were filming. Well, then he smashed. He actually smashed that, and I think he had to get his hand all stitched up. And I like the part. Smash the mirror. They bring Brando in, and he hasn't learned any of his lines. He refused to learn lines. So then Coppola's just like, okay, just say random shit.

And he's like, you know. I'm not even going to try to do a Brando. It's kind of like a really subdued Simon. You know. What was the thing I was reading? Oh, there was a, you know the movie Some Like It Hot? Have you ever seen it? I've never seen it.

But you know Marilyn Monroe's in it. She plays a woman. She dresses up as a woman. Dress like girls. Yeah, yeah. She couldn't learn her lines. So the director had to... To save her life.

So she died. So she died after the shooting of that movie. You guys just solved a huge Hollywood mystery. It was Jack Lemmon or somebody. But yeah, who were the other guys? Tony Curtis? Tony Curtis. Maybe Jack Lemmon? It was Jack Lemmon, wasn't But yeah, who were the other guys? Tony Curtis? Tony Curtis. Maybe Jack Lemmon?

It was Jack Lemmon, wasn't it? I don't know. Anyways, she couldn't learn her lines, so they had to put notes all over the set. So if she was opening a drawer, the next line of dialogue was in the drawer. Or it was up above the eyeline. Man, that would be so...

That would be like having a dog being your lead actor. It'd be so satisfying in real life to just be able to just do your normal business and then perfect lines appear. I think I want a chocolate bar. Now I know

what to say. Oh, man. Mine are all written by Kevin Smith and it's like, I have weird diarrhea. I want to talk about Star Wars for half an hour. Can I tell you something about Japan? Yeah, please. Tell us everything.

I'm going to tell you one thing about Japan. Everyone is like, man, how is your show in Japan? And because my band's not famous enough. And you said super kawaii. Yeah, kawaii. That means cute. Kawaii.

Okay, first of all, I'll tell you what the latest trend is. Fashion trend. It's probably over by now. Okay, there were two French maid outfits. I'm in. Interesting. Titillating. And then you had piratey eye patch

and bandage on one arm for girls. Oh, for girls? For girls. And the French maid was for guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn, they're ahead of the curve. They're always ahead of the curve.

It was pretty crazy. I saw a woman a couple weeks ago with an eye patch on, and it was a black eye patch, but it was... No, you're thinking of Tom Cruise and Valkyrie. Right. No, I think it was medical.

Aha. But they haven't come up with a way of making that look subtle. It's always pirate. If I was going to get an eye patch, I would want it to be as far away from subtle I would want it to be robotic So it looks like

I have a robot eye Like a laser pen Yeah, like a red That's what I would want If that's possible Uncomfortable Well, you wouldn't have to have the whole pen in there No, I mean for everybody else Yeah, that's what I'm interested in You wouldn't have to have the whole pen in there. No, no, for everybody else.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm interested in. You wouldn't have to jam a pen in your eye, because then you'd need an iPad. That's outstanding. Yeah, Japan's... And then the other thing I was going to say about Japan, so we played two shows, and one of them was a showcase, and we had to

write a blog about it for Now Magazine. That's like a Toronto them was a showcase right and we had to write a blog about it uh um for for now magazine is that the toronto that's like a toronto weekly okay yeah your vancouver listeners would know it know it as the equivalent of the georgia street got it um so we played our showcase show and uh And the reception was like nothing. People just stood there and no one cared. And we're a dance band. Yeah. So people are supposed to express their appreciation of the music through the art of dance.

Yeah. And so everyone just stood there and no one really cheered or anything. Yeah. And so everyone just stood there, and no one really, like, cheered or anything. And then when we got off stage, someone was like, hey, no, no, it's just Japan. It's, like, just the way Japan is. Really? Yeah.

It's just the way Japan is. So we're like, oh, yeah, it's just the way Japan is. Yeah. So we wrote this blog. It's crazy country. And then someone took a YouTube video of it, and we're like, so we put it on our blog. And we're like, yeah, check it out. Everyone's standing there. But it's just the way Japan is.

And then we played a show two nights later. And everyone was dancing and having the greatest time. And we were like, no. Maybe that was just kind of a shitty show. Yeah, man. I thought they expressed their appreciation by covering their mouth and giggling. It was awkward. I was like, yeah!

And then it was just like that. Just nothing, eh? Wow. Yeah, I've done a lot of shows like that. That's just the way Canada is. That's what I say after every show. It's cultural. These guys are fucked up.

We'll play a song of yours at the end of the show. Yeah, that'd be great. Dave, let's get to know you, buddy. Okay, well I have been doing a mad dash to get ready. I'm going away this week to Thailand. That's a good idea. There's no political unrest there. It's good to

get away. Yeah. They have at least one working airport, I've heard. For the time being. So I think that should be fine. Yeah, sure. But it's my first Christmas away. Ever? Yeah. Oh, wow. So this is like Christmas with the Cranks, but opposite.

It's like four Christmases. This is Christmas away from the Cranks. I'm David Crank. What was the Ben Affleck, James Gandolfini one? Was that Christmas with the cranks uh i'm david crank what was the uh ben affleck james gandolfini one was that christmas for the cranks all the way uh yeah and i'm really i'm gonna miss it because my family does christmas so well i uh presents sweaters not so many presents or sweaters but just the way that like we uh we go to church on christmas morning and we're the only people there and we dominate it and like there's always like two or three like uh shut-ins or pensioners people don't go to church on christmas no people

go to church on christmas eve yeah so do we. That was my family's tradition. And those services are packed. And then Christmas morning, like my whole life, the tradition was you can open your stocking when you wake up,

but you can't open any presents until after church. So we go to church at 10, and then we have to go to my cousin's house and eat breakfast. So we don't open our presents until like 1 in the afternoon. So this Christmas... That sounds really hard.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's so much fun. Like, we have... At what time are you drunk? Never. What? Yeah. You don't drink on Christmas?

We're a weird family in that regard. Do you drink on Christmas? We're a weird family in that regard. Do you drink on Christmas? I mean, remember when your caller called in about if he's got curly brown hair? Oh, yeah. That's right. Are you of the Jewish faith? Yeah. Faith?

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. Diss temper? Here's a question. I'm pale. Pale as a a jew you know that i'm pale as a jew but i'm not a jew i'm pale as an irish i'm paler than both of y'all um you you you were saying just before the podcast started about hanukkah and how you were like it was like the kind of the low rent yeah holiday that's got like a a bump yeah

it's like uh i think it's like if you put a really bad show right after prime time like a really good show yeah it gets higher ratings yeah so christmas the single guy to friends exactly exactly it's the caroline of the city like No one would care about it. Not even Jews if Christmas wasn't around. Yeah, but it was the thing so that they could be like... We're defensive people.

So we need our own thing. They threw in the Kwanzaa. I've never met anybody who celebrates Kwanzaa. I think it's pronounced Kwanzaa. And then there's a... I celebrate Kwanzaa. And is Ramadanwanzaa. And then there's a... I celebrate Kwanzaa. And is Ramadan, is that a major one? I think that's a major one. I think it's pronounced Ram-a-dee-an.

That's not happening right now, though. No, but that happens, it all happens in the same kind of... It's lunar, though. Doesn't it move around? Yeah, it moves around a bit, but it's a fall-winter. What about Tet? Just like my complexion. Tet is one.

Isn't that something? Like the Tet Offensive? That is a... Not the Tet Offensive. I don't think there's any offensive. The offensive took place during Tet. During Tet. It's the Buddhist New Year.

I think it's lunar as well. Man, what a bad... Bad optics, man. An offensive on Tet? Yeah, seriously, right? Good Lord. Yeah, but they overcame... Mission accomplished.

So you are... What are you going to do over there in thailand you're gonna have some you won't wake up have a shot of peanut sauce because it's what they do have some fish with the bones in it and then what what do you do for the rest of the day uh participate in an uprising i throw your shoes at the Prime Minister? See a ping pong show? That's what they did. They threw their shoes at the general. Are you going to do that? Bring some flip-flops that you don't care about bringing back. Didn't that happen in Iraq?

Yeah, they just threw shoes at George W. Bush. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm talking about this was months ago in Thailand. They did that in Thailand, too? The Pad Thai offensive. I actually heard... That's what they're called, the PAD. It's the Pad Thai is the name. heard... That's what they're called, the PAD. It's the Pad Thai is the name. It's adorable.

Did they know? I heard a news story about this incident with Bush getting shoes thrown. That is the most... I feel like I'm high now that I've seen that clip. It was hilarious. And the newscaster was like, in Iraq, throwing shoes at someone

is a sign of disrespect. I was like, did you really have to explain it? Every other country, it's a sign of affection. Free shoes, you should have. Remember when they took down the Saddam Hussein? Saddam! Saddam Hussein!

A statue, and all the people hit it with their shoes. Oh, yeah! Whereas in our country, if we took down... I just thought it was a guy who was like, I didn't get a chance to smuggle in a weapon, so I'm just going to throw my shoes. Yeah. I think there would be pissing on it.

Because remember there was that controversy? Right. Controversy. About that like, that lame teenage kid who peed on the Veterans Memorial. And then there was like a stakeout. They were like trying to track him down.

But I didn't realize it, but like Canadians apparently don't like it when you pee. When one of us pees on our Veterans Memorial. I'm not big on people peeing on anything except the toilets or trees. If there were newscasts in other countries

about that incident, they would have said in Canada. This is a sign of disrespect if you piss on something. Where, though, is it a sign of respect to piss on something? Your golden shower circles, certainly. Circles. Is that what they're called? Is it a circle of people doing a golden shower? right certainly circles is that what they're called

is it a circle of people doing a golden shower i don't want to talk about it is it like a group of people who run in that kind of circle down on my list of things to talk about was bush shoe oh right there golden shower circle that's awesome uh hey graham let's get to know you What's to know, really I went shopping at the Bay Nice Yeah, I haven't been to the Last time I was at the Bay I'd like to go to the Bay if I'm buying something The Bay is a department store in Canada

Canada's first corporation Yeah, it preceded Canada Yeah, the Hudson's Bay Company was here before So I owe it that much respect You probably know them from their blankets. And their red and yellow and green. And their Olympic wear. Don't they make the Olympic wear?

Yeah, they're doing the Olympic wear. Yeah, but people in other countries won't know that. They will in 2010, my friend. Oh! It's the closest I've ever gotten to being patriotic. Ever. Oh, Canada. Couldn't even say it. You to the bay go it's uh during the christmas holiday kwanzaa tet time it's a really it's it's a quite insane like it's they

hire a bunch of people that don't know anything then you know they're just there to make sure that you don't walk out with a like a mannequin so if you try and ask themselves i went up to ask the guy because i was looking for socks i want to buy a pair of socks and i want to buy you know something i didn't really know what i was looking for but i knew i needed socks so i said where where are the socks and as i walked up to him i could see he was averting my gaze and started to walk away because I was like excuse me do you work here and as soon as he heard that he darted his eyes to the floor and then started walking like completely out of my door so I had to follow him he was clearly an employee and I said socks and he just kind of first of all he told me the exact wrong floor he said yeah you got

to go up you actually had to go down I don't even know if he worked there he might have just beaten up a guy for his bay i have a feeling i have a feeling that my uh secret santa gift is gonna be socks no see these i'm wearing on my feet that's what i bought so you went see that's the thing when you're buying something that you need amidst a sea of people buying presents for other people it It was tough. It can throw you for a loop. Well, I felt like I was from a different time period.

Everybody else was up to... But then later on, this was today, I was walking downtown and I haven't... It seems like I have an occasion every eight or so podcasts to get in some sort of altercation with somebody you're a bad guy and i took the opportunity today there were two girls it was three o'clock in the

afternoon these two girls one was uh just to give you an overall the bleach blonde right super straight hair and you hate that i hate it hate it 19 years old one 19 if they were anything uh the other one was wearing like a matching sweatsuit with the word juicy on her ass. Juicy couture. Yeah, she weighed about, there's nothing juicy about her. But they were drunk and they kept doing a thing where they would push the other one into another pedestrian.

Where's this? This is on Robson Street. What time was it? 3 o'clock in the afternoon, today. And the one would push the other one into somebody else who was walking they were drunk they were they just reeked of booze this uh it snowed in vancouver uh for the first time it doesn't we get the snow like once a year yeah yeah and it usually doesn't stick around we've had two or three days with snow on the ground and it's been freezing and so i can

understand why they'd be drunk it's a bit slippery walk. Yeah, but they're warm. And juicy. They were pushing into people, right? They were being violent and shitty. So I took it upon myself. I yelled at the one, grow the fuck up. And she turned around. And I said, yeah, you and juicy over there, grow the fuck up.

And you could see the shame just wash. They thought they were in their own kind of living room space. So you actually shamed them. Damn right I shamed them. Happy holidays. That kind of thing, I feel like it never works. What, shaming people? Yeah. Worked. I tried to call these guys

clowns. I called them out. It didn't work. My roommate in Toronto was like, yeah, so this guy, he was on his bike. It was actually pretty crazy. He was on his bike. He sidled up to a cab and in the cab,

the guy, the passenger in the cab asked the cabbie, hey, do you think that guy's gay? To the guy on the bike? No, to the cabbie. To the cabbie talking about my roommate who was on the bike. Oh, okay. And he's like, hey, man, are you a fag or something like that?

And then my roommate calmly looked over at him and was like, man, where are you from? You're a clown. That's not bad. So I tried to do that to these guys and they laughed at me. The guys in the cab? No, totally different situation. I think

I was walking home with groceries and... You were juggling them at the time. And then you were like, you're a clown and they're like, look at you! They were in a car and I was walking and they were like, you're a nerd!

Or something like that. Ouch. And then I just said, uh... Clowns! Because they were driving so quickly away that I... There's nothing more can you do. Yeah, so I got into it with some Juicy Couture bitches. Nice. Yeah. And you laid the smack down. Yeah, which I've been known to do. You laid the clown down.

Oh, who's that? I think we have a guest. A special Christmas guest? Let's open the door and find out. Oh, look who it is. It's our guest from episode 38. It's Mr. Emmett Hall. Hey, Emmett.

Emmett Hall. What's sale to ye all? Ha, ha, ha. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Why, what fine friends I have here. Why, it's David. It's Graham. And Daniel Worm.

Hello. Hello. How doth ye fare? We're faring pretty good. Jolly. Good. What feast of Stephen have we here? How doth ye fare? We're faring pretty good. Jolly. Good. What feast of Stephen have we here?

Oh, and this frankincense and myrrh-ish eve. We're having quesadillas. Oh. Oh. Okay. Quesadillas. I come bearing gifts for thee. Here's one for you, David. Oh. Graham. Oh, for you, David. Oh.

Graham. Oh, thank you very much. Daniel. I'll share with Graham. Happy Hanukkah. Thank you so much. Not sure. These are holiday candies.

I think they are almond free there, Graham. Oh, delightful. But they have every other nut. Are they for crunching? I don't know? I don't know I don't know I haven't opened them Oh David you spilled them

They're actually snuff boxes So you can dump out the So I can put the candy out Put the snuff in Ah they're opiates I've been Amsterdam Am I right?

I've been keeping snuff in my pocket all loose style, and I'd just lose most of my stuff inside the coat. Now, Emmett, I believe you come bearing another kind of gift. Yes, I do. In this tiding time, I thought that I would pull out the old Flemish poem written in the Victorian era, translated from Elizabethan English, that I wrote myself. Twas a chill in the morrow's morn, as the grouse lay to yule. In the frost-speckled fields danced the Kringlemas fool,

Sprinking his Kringle, whence hence nonce and far, As a sleigh janked and jingled from the Orientar. Now the Kringlemas Fool Soullied in the snow To ensure that the tidying time Sired spring to sow The fool could be heard To sprink a small mouse Kringle a marmot

And then dink a grouse A new year was proche For it is heralded so, When that seraphim cherubim mounts a young doe. The advent of fawn mixed angel-twixed deer Allows gift of flight to prance dance in air. The pole had been northerned at the yester's eve's feast, Where the elves ferried fie to the hearth's frosty beast. Antler'd and yok'd was the hinterklaus' sled, And the wee bairns all waited to be presently fed. Bundled and brundled by the flames with a nog,

Elysian fields thither from thought. A calm beseeched all to the giftly exchangers. Oh, the waft scent of gingerbeard. Swift, don't you manger. They granged on the sweets, and the icicles chimed. A madrigal galliard to this wenceslas time. They granged on the sweets, and the icicles chimed. A madrigal galliard to this wincelessness time.

That was terrific. Outstanding. Wow, that sounded authentic. That almost didn't sound translated. And you said it was translated from what to the what? Flemish From old Victorian England But also Elizabethan Thrown in there

Okay, can't argue with that With It makes you appreciate the past, right? When you hear it like that, you know? It's best not to think about it Happy holidays, Emma Thanks a lot for dropping by like that, you know? It's best not to think about it. Happy holidays, Emma. Thanks a lot for dropping by.

Well, good luck walking out in that storm there. Oh, I shall brave the weather this fine morrow's eve. Again, wassail to ye and an old king call and a very merry merry to you all on this frost-chimed night. Adieu!

Oh, wow, that guy was terrific. Ammon Hall. Do you guys want to move on to some Overheard? Yes, please. Overheard. Overheard. Holiday Overheard. Yeah.

But without... Mine's holiday-based. Yeah, mine could be. Sure. Sure. Mine's definitely not. Kwanzaa. That's great.

It doesn't matter. Mine's a perennial. You know what? The holiday season just makes you appreciate it more. Let's hope so. Receiving. Let's start with the guests. Let's start with Dan's overheard. Okay, so I have an overheard that was sort of

said to me, but I didn't respond at all. Yeah, I like this. You know how you should have responded. Clown! I was so baffled by it. We played in Victoria last week. Did that go better than when you and I played in Victoria?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It was like a monkey off my back. Where'd you play in Victoria, if you don't mind me asking? We played Lucky's Bar. That's a good bar. Downtown? Yep.

I saw Tricky Woo there. Really? The old basis from Tricky Woo was in that some Mars movie. Whatever. It doesn't matter. The one with Eddie Murphy where he plays a bartender on Mars? I'm not even going to begin to be able to remember.

So anyway. So play the show. Red Planet. Mars Attacks. Mission to Mars. It was a serious. Total recall. It was a real.

It was one of those real space movies. Was it real to real? It might have been. Okay. So we play the show. And then we get put up in the Strathcona Hotel. The Strath? Which is attached to the Sticky Wicket.

Yep, and Legends. And Legends, not the nicest hotel I've ever been in. Is that the one that also has the peanut shells on the floor? Yeah, Big Bad John's. Big Bad John's, yeah. So this is compound essentially And we So we're in the hotel room

Which is okay And it's me, a friend of mine Who's a girl Paul who is the drummer in my band Who is a boy And our manager Dara who is a girl And we're sitting there Two boys, two girls Just like the Beach Boys song and our manager, Dara, who is a girl. And we're sitting there. Boy, girl, boy, girl.

Two boys, two girls. Yeah. Just like the Beach Boys song. Plus a boy. We're sitting there. I get around. And we're just having a very chilled out post-show experience. And then there's a knock on the door of our hotel room. And I go and I answer the door and there's a really large man,

like quite a stocky, powerful looking gentleman, mid thirties. And he's like, I'm looking for the party. And I was like, I didn't know what to say. Witch party. And then, so before I could even respond, he goes, Girls? At which point,

I have still nothing to say. And then he says, Gays? And then... He just keeps nudging it forward. And then he says not gay and I just closed the door but it was unclear like he was a caveman he didn't know he was a caveman but it wasn't like he was I don't know the way he said not not gay was almost wistful. Like, he almost felt like maybe he had offended me and he wanted me to know that he didn't have anything against gays. Not mother?

Not gay? It was great. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Wow. And it's really the only time in my life that I've ever just closed a door on someone, which felt amazing. Where you're just like, not tonight. I quite often hang up the phone on people and I'm like, I should have said goodbye.

Yeah, you do. You're like a serial hang-upper. You got it? Then I'm gone. Then that's it. It just vanishes. I like that. I'm against goodbyes. I'm all business business i haven't been able to shake them though it's much

too late for goodbyes that's what i said much too late michael penn michael penn no i don't know who that is or is it julian lennon was it julian lennon um okay dave oh let's do me or do you want me to go no i'll do me i can go i'm doing a Get Lennon. Okay. Dave. Oh, let's do me. Or do you want me to go? No, I'll do me. I can go. I'm doing a recycled one that never made it to air.

Yours might be funnier. Yeah. Oh, why don't I do two? Because I have one from earlier today that was just a tiny snippet, like the tiniest snippet of a conversation. Yeah, that's what I got. I'll do that one first. I went to Max, which is, yeah, you're like a 7- of a conversation. Yeah, that's what I got. I'll do that one first. I went to Max, which is...

You're like a 7-Eleven. Yeah. But they try to... Couch Tard in Montreal. They try to dress it up with... There's like... Try to give it a bistro feel. That's where I hang out.

That's where I have my morning coffee. They have tables and chairs where people can watch the keynote results. That is crazy. Have you seen it? No. Oh, you've got to check it out. It's insane. This one was on Broadway and Hemlock, and it has a little porch outside.

And it's freezing today. Oh, that's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a guy on this patio of basically a 7-Eleven on his cell phone sitting down, and he was yelling into his cell phone, and he yelled, no, no, no, no. Fuck you. You will fucking accommodate me. That was it.

He was talking to Best Western. You know what's so weird? I had a weird experience there. One night I was walking, because there's a pizza place two doors down from there and i was walking to go get a slice of pizza and some you know when you're listening to uh music or whatever and you say you like your peripheral is kind of knocked out you know like you're not hearing sound so things can creep up on you really easily uh a panhandler came up to me just i didn't even see him they came right in my field of view and he didn't have a nose yeah and that i went

i made like a like a scooby-doo no no no nose and uh it was the yeah because it scared the shit out of me. Because he just walked, like he wasn't there, and then he was there. And there was no nose. And so I didn't even say, no, I don't have any money. I just went, good. And then walked around. You know, he probably gets that a lot. Yeah, well, you shouldn't, you know, he should be very timid in his approach then.

Yeah. Or wear one of those Groucho glasses. How much do those cost? That's like 50 cents, right? Give them a nickel and be totally badass and say, buy yourself a new nose. But what do you think? Like Uncle Buck.

Like a nose doesn't just fall off. A rat to gnaw that thing off your face. I think it could get sliced off. Well, maybe, I guess. Yeah, maybe. I think it looked more like an erosion of kind of like cocaine overuse. Also possible. That's possible, right?

That could happen. Was he in the bathroom at the Soho? I don't know. You were at the bathroom at the Soho, not me. Did the guy that you see in the bathroom have a nose? I didn't see. Did he pop up in your field of view as if from nowhere? I was washing my hands and they came up and they didn't wash their hands.

So I assumed that they weren't peeing. That is a really nice thing to assume. Oh, he didn't wash his hands because he didn't go to the bathroom. Yeah, they were just cocaína. Is that how it's pronounced? Cocaína. Or is it cocaíno? Which one's plural?

Is it me? Yeah, do yours and then I'll do my better one. I was walking Davie Street two days ago. And there was a guy. You know where they have construction? So they have the little wooden overpass things and you walk underneath them? There was a guy walking and it looked like he was talking to himself. But he didn't give off the air of somebody.

And he didn't have a Bluetooth in his ear, so he looked like he was talking to himself, but he was actually talking to a guy who was walking on the outside of the thing, and all I heard him say was, Admit it, you're embarrassed by me. And I should also note that he was wearing like a mint green kind of ski jacket with pink and yellow stripes on it. But I thought he was crazy. Admitted to being embarrassed by me.

And then I looked and there was a guy standing on the other side. Visibly embarrassed. Mortified by me. My other one that I had is, I said this one in the Ben Mills episode that didn't air because it crashed and burned. I can't remember what my overheard from that was, but I remember it being good. Yeah, why don't I go back and have a listen? Never gonna happen. Okay, I was going into a Winners.

Winners. Winners. Think TJ Maxx. And I was with my girlfriend and across... Yeah, that's right. Who's her own person.

Okay. And across the street there was a a Wendy's and there was a crazy guy yelling from the Wendy's parking lot and I could tell he was crazy because he was yelling in that crazy guy voice that the Wendy's parking lot. And I could tell he was crazy because he was yelling in that crazy guy voice

that was kind of like, why doesn't anyone believe me? It was a little bit like Charlton Heston in Soylent Green. And he yelled, there's fucking body parts in this garbage can! That is delightful. Yeah. That's a piece of Vancouver comic. Did you check it out? No, I didn't

check it out. But how many body parts could there have been? Only one or two. I'm sure if he found a thumb, he'd say body parts, plural. Come on. I would, too. I wouldn't just assume that it was one thumb. Well, you know what happens when you assume. You make a thumb out of you

and Uma Thurman. Do you guys want a brief and only tangentially related Japan anecdote? Yeah. We want it hard. Okay, so remember just a few seconds ago when Dave was talking about Max? Yeah. It's like 7-Eleven.

Like 7-Eleven, right? Or like the Couch Tards in Montreal. So 7-Eleven. Like 7-Eleven, right? Or like the Couch Tards in Montreal. So 7-Eleven in Japan has merged with another company. And it's not called 7-Eleven anymore. It's called Seven and I Holdings. Really? Yeah, and it's the only place that your debit card will work. Seven and I Holdings. Yeah, it's's the only place that your debit card will work. Seven and I Holdings. Yeah, it's like a weird...

It's like they didn't understand what... Like the people's stock market or something. Seven and Bank of America. So they think it was Seven I I, and they were like, well, just get rid of one of the I's, put holding in there. Everybody will recognize it still. It's Seven and I Holdings. It's still got the green and yellow and red yeah it's exactly the same except for orange seven and orange yes orange is a staple of the 7-eleven palette um we

have a listener uh it said actually it's an overseen and there's a photo and uh i want to say to any of the bumpers out there we've had this is our second photo send it if you have any hilarious photos of any just anything that you thought was particularly hilarious, a sign, a thing, a landmark. We don't want to see your picture of Tommy Lee Jones shilling coffee. Yes, we do. That is exactly what we want to see. I'm sure that's on every other Flickr page.

But if you have anything like that, please send it into our email. It's stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. This is from, I can't, can you scroll down to the name? I was trying to print it off. This is from Cameron. Cameron M. Cameron M. This summer, a few friends and I were driving around rural Newfoundland when we happened upon the community of Dildo, which is a real place.

I looked it up online. As we entered the town, we saw the sign in the attached photo. Wait, can we stop for a second? What? I think everyone listening probably needs a moment to digest that Dildo was a real place. Dildo Digest? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right. Go ahead. All right. It is. It's a real place. Okay. Go ahead.

Almost everything about this sign was great. The business has gone out of its way to turn the C words into K words so that their business initials are KKK. The arrow pointing towards the business is pointed at his crotch, and he is holding a sign with his name, the name being Captain Dildo, and they publicly claimed to sell Dildo souvenirs. And I can't remember the name of the business. If you scroll down, they did. They replaced all what would properly be

words with the letter C. Country, Cravens, and Crafts. That's awful. Captain Dildo. He looks like a Captain Highliner figure and he's holding a sign above his crotch that says Captain Dildo. And Dildo Souvenirs points

to his crotch. Yeah, so fantastic. And thank you so much Cameron for sending that in. And you can check that photo out. It'll be on the blog page that Dave does every week, which is at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com The great thing about that photo is that it's so unclear whether it's ironic

or not, or self-aware in any way. I'm sure the word's gotten out to the people of dildo, but they're just capitalizing on it. You know what I find really interesting? Doritos came out with a dill-flavored Dorito. Really? Is that true? Yeah. That's really good. Dill Dorito.

really and you is that true yeah that's really good and dorito and you would think that they would call them dildoritos but they went out of their way knowing because they're such a huge corporation with so many brilliant marketing geniuses working for them they call them dillicious oh delicious i uh i used to be in a gay Mexican gang called the Dildo Ritos. I remember the, what is it, Cal Tire? The place that's down on Main Street or whatever. They had, two Christmases ago, it was something like, during the holidays, come in and get a rim job. And I was like, either that was a joke perpetrated by one of the younger employees, and the older employee was like, perfect, because that's exactly what we do here.

Get a new rim. Get four new rims. We'll call them rim jobs. That sounds perfect. Maybe that's like an industry term in the tire world. I just got my tires changed, got my winters put on, and I went to Big O Tires. Big O Tires. Come and get a rim job, Big O Tires.

Doesn't realize that their name is Big O. Also, if you have anything like that, I appreciate that kind of notion. Anybody who's so kind of oblivious, you're Dill Doritos. You're Dildo Newfoundland. You're Big O Tires. Do you remember the first time you went through your mother's spice rack and you found dill weed and you were like, what?

My mind's been blown. Mom is cool. Yeah. Oh, I think we have another guest. Oh, it's our friend Craig Anderson. Hey, Craig Anderson, how are you?

Ooh, hi guys. Cold outside, isn't it? Sure is. Beautiful cabin. Thanks for joining us in our holiday cabin. No problem. Craig Anderson is a member of the sketch troupe Bronx Cheer. That's right. And the host of the, is it bi-weekly now?

I don't know if you say bi-weekly or bi-monthly. Right, every two weeks. Yes, twice a month. Twice a month at the Café Montmartre on Main Street. Yes, the Bronx Cheer sketch and hero shows. Right. Excellent shows, both of them. Thank you. How does this holiday

find you? This holiday finds me well, thank you. You look well. Thank you. Out in the storm, what were you doing? Carrying wood? Yes. Wassailing? Actually, I took a cab, but I put wood in the cab.

Called the cab to my home, filled the trunk with sheaves of wood. Your sheaves, your bindles. Your bindles. Bindles. Yeah. Twelve bindles for a dollar? It's that time of year Bindle time

Yeah that's what I called it in my house Bindle time The season of sheaves Happy bindle time to you And to you Craig I understand that you Craig have prepared a Christmas gift for us I have Since I did not bring a physical gift

As is my custom I have prepared instead a song, which is addressed to a new man in my life. I recently found out my sister's new boyfriend is coming to my family home in Calgary for Christmas holidays. So I've imagined what that will be like and made it into a song. We can't wait to hear it. Okay. Let me just get my bindle of pianos.

Hey, Alex. Welcome to Calgary. How was your flight? Mine was fine, too. I also flew here, so no big deal. Here, I'll take your bags for you. No, I insist. I'll just put them in the back of my dad's BMW.

Don't touch the radio. It's complicated. Hey look, we're at my parents' house. Big, isn't it? I know. Here we go. Let's go inside. Here we go, let's go inside. I bet you didn't think I'd be this tall You probably thought I couldn't sing I bet you thought you could have seconds With your lunches and your dinners But you can't, cause I like leftovers For when I come home drunk From Christmas parties That you're not invited to

Dinner's at six And would it kill you To put on a collared shirt Don't sit in my father's chair. Oh shit, Alex. That reminds me, speaking of my dad. Tonight at dinner, don't mention spiders. Seriously, he has like a huge fear of spiders. He might leave the room or just get really mad at you or something. Yeah, all kidding aside, he's really afraid of them. It would be the single worst social miscue you could make over these five days. Why is he afraid of spiders?

Here, I'll tell you. Because once on a speed train from Zurich to Paris A gigantic spider caught onto his shoulder And he didn't notice until an Englishman pointed it out From across the train He jumped up in the air and screamed He grabbed a people magazine And then he tried to swat the beast

Because his loafers were too expensive To step on bugs But the spider got away And now to this very day My father cannot rest Knowing that spider Is somewhere out there Still alive

Then at the end the Englishman Turned around and said to him That was no London spider We don't have spiders like that in England at all Good on you Then at the end the Englishman turned around and said to him, That was no London spider. We don't have spiders like that in England at all. Good on you. So that's why my dad's afraid of spiders, Alex. Wow. Has it been five days already? You really flew by. You know, I know I gave you a hard time earlier, but I'm happy that you make my sister happy.

I guess that's all that matters, Alex. I mean, after all, it is Christmas. This is going to sound weird, but I kind of feel like my family got you for Christmas. Is that weird? Christmas at the Andersons My parents get a brand new son And I get a brother And she gets a lover Yes, it's Christmas at the Andersons My parents get a brand new son And I get a brother

And she gets a lover Christmas time, Christmas time Christmas time, Christmas time. Christmas time, Christmas time. Thank you. Outstanding. Thank you so much for dropping by here. Well, thank you for having me. I hope you can manage out there in that blizzard.

Oh, it's blustery. With your bindles and your taxi. Yes, I'll just pack up all my... No, leave the piano. Yeah, leave the piano. Just take the bindles. Very well. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays to you. Off he goes. Well, thank you to our guest. That was amazing. Merry holiday to you. Thank you. Thanks for being non-Christian. I'm trying to.

You know what? Season's greetings. That was the one thing about Japan. Really, they do Christmas in this whole non-Christianized... Man, they do everything. It's just like Santa. It's Santa Explosion over there. Did you see any of that?

Well, we were there in November, so they weren't hitting that as hard. They were more into the pirate girls with the manages at that point. I'm into that, too. I'm way over here. Can I talk about the season? Can I talk about how awesome

the video games there are? Please do. There's one video game. So they love Gundam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gundam Seed. And there's a game where you're in a Gundam robot. And you have to physically enter a pod.

And the screen is like one of those Omni-Mats. You yourself? Yeah, you yourself get into a pod. You put on a little Madonna yourself get into a pod. You put on like a little Madonna headpiece microphone. Cone bra. You have like the Omnimax

screen style, like the curved screen. Wow. And you are in this gigantic robot and it's the most exciting moment of your entire life. It just sounds to me like Japan is like a city where giant parts of it are dedicated solely to my dreams as a child. Yeah.

Like, that's what it seems like. Like, sleep in a tube or, like, hang out with a giant mascot. We went to a robot store. Yeah. They had PLEO, which is the new robot life form, which is like, looks like the last dinosaur from, you remember that Disney movie? Denver, the last dinosaur?

No, there was a movie with a baby dinosaur. With a baby? Yeah. He was like a baby dinosaur. He looked like a, he was a baby brontosaurus. Okay. So they have a robot that is essentially a baby dinosaur, and he loves to be touched. Really?

And he's like mossy soft, like He-Man's buddy. Like He-Man's scrotum. True. That's outstanding. And he's designed to just hang out with you. He's not designed to eat you or kill you. He likes to be touched. That's great. And he's so touchable, and he has all these sensors on him.

That's like Grandpa. And what does he do? Does he smile and stuff? He just kind of moves around. That's awesome. He wiggles. Maybe I should just move to Tokyo. That seems like a really,

it just seems like there's just an amazing stuff to do there. It seems like as good an option for you as any other. Every white dude I saw there seemed a little sketchy. Yeah, no, but I look sketchy enough here. You could blend in there, but yeah, I don't know. I found it. Picture me with an eye patch and a bandage. You just need to learn a few basic Japanese phrases like cool out juicy.

Cool out juicy? What does that mean? You remember from before? No. Remember when you yelled at those girls? Oh yeah, cool out juicy. Didn't that just happen today? I said grow up. Oh, sorry.

Grow the fuck up. That's cool out juicy. Who am I, Clint Eastwood? I can't say cool it, Juicy. Okay, so Daniel, you want to do some... I'm sorry, Dan. Is it Dan or Daniel? Look, times have changed since elementary school. I've known you

for a long time. Grade two, maybe? Did you guys used to play He-Mans together? What did you guys do? Yeah, we were friends. Yeah, we were very good friends. Do you guys have a picture of you guys in the tub together? What did you guys do? Yeah, we were friends. Yeah, we were very good friends. We were talking actually last... Do you guys have a picture of you guys in the tub together? Probably not. No, no, no.

Definitely not. No, I mean like from recent times. Can we get one of those shots? Dan's got pictures of he and his drummer in the tub. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Do you want the uncropped ones for the blog? Hey, yeah, you talked to Dave about that. You know what? Let's get a picture of you

two in the tub together after the podcast. We'll post that on the blog. Will we? No, you don't have to nude it up. Just get in the tub. Okay. I like where this is going. Holiday tub. Dan has agreed

to play a round of Celebrity Crush Hat. Hit it. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity Crush Hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity Crush Hat. Chapeau chinois. Celebrity Crush Hat.

Crush Hat. Celebrity Crush Hat. We haven't played it in a while. We have a hat full of numbers. Daniel picks a number. And he describes what celebrity he had a crush on at the age that the number dictates. Perfect. You finished my

thought. So my age... Oh, really? What age? When I was five? No. If that's too early, you can check it. I don't think I understood the concept of celebrity. At the age of five. Fair enough.

Oh, yeah. Madame McNair? Anybody? And I'm looking at Dave. I didn't know. 20. 20, that's good age. Is that good?

That's perfect age. Do you need a little time? Do you figure that out? Or do you lock in on it? No, because I've only had a couple celebrity crushes, and they were pretty intense. All right. I'm ready. Let's go through them.

We'll go through them. When I was 16-ish, I saw Janet Jackson on the Rolling Stone cover with that gentleman holding her boobs. And that actually changed my life, because that was the first time I ever felt like something was impossible. Like, it was impossible that I would ever... Do that? Be the hands?

Ever date Janet Jackson. Hmmson and she was so hot and i uh that was that was an amazing it was like the most amazing thing ever she's a roller coaster of hotness sometimes she's at her top of her game sometimes totally now but here's the thing uh that might have been the first time ever that i maybe Demi Moore being pregnant on the cover of a magazine. Was that the first time with a naked? Because now it's all the time. Now it's just your Kate Winslet, your Jennifer Aniston, your Britney Spears. I'm taking a crap on the cover.

Your Lindsay Lohan. Your Lindsay Lohan. All naked. Naked all the time. Oh, no, no, no. And what's that young girl who was in Vanity Fair? Miley Cyrus. Yeah.

My-Sai. My-Sai. My-Sai. You know that's not her real name. Really? Her birth name, Destiny Cyrus. Destiny Ray Cyrus. She had to make it lamer.

They changed it to Miley because her nickname was Smiley. Because she smiled so much. She does smile a lot. She does smile a lot. And because she's mildly entertaining. Killing it. She wants to quit the showbiz and become a photographer.

Hit her to quit it, I always say. I don't know what that means in this circumstance. I don't want to do either. Wait, what about before? Did you not have a crush on Kathy Ireland and Cindy Crawford with the rest of us? Oh, Cindy Crawford, deaf.

I never was. I'm going to sneeze. To wait for it? Just sounded really important the way you were saying that. I was never into Cindy Crawford. She was kind of the standard of what everybody was supposed to the way you were saying that. I was never into Cindy Crawford. She was kind of the... I was big into Cindy Crawford. ...standard of what everybody was supposed to find attractive at the time.

And I really didn't quite... You're such an outsider. Well, no, I really found her... She had really strong features. And that scared you. What struck me is kind of man-looking. Kind of man-ish. Yeah, that's right.

I was into feminine women like Grace Jones. Who the fuck is Grace Jones? Oh, man. Just you wait. You're gonna be terrified. Okay, so recently my celebrity crushes... Grace Jones, is that a person that you knew or something? No, Grace Jones

is... Jamaican lover? Was that her song? What Bond movie was she in? I mean... The one with Grace Jones. Oh, yeah. And Tim Dahl. What is she... Who are we talking about? She's a singer. She's very

statuesque. She's strong. In more of a gargoyle scene. Oh, no. I wasn't into that. I was just saying I wasn't into Cindy Crawford. Alright, I'm looking it up right now. Grace Jones, we're interrupting the proceedings. Yeah, that's fine.

Alright, I'm going to briefly say who my most recent celebrity crush was. Oh, yeah. There's the photo. Oh, I know who this is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a robot with shoulder pads. What? I'm not into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's a robot with shoulder pads. Yeah, no, why would I? What?

I'm not into that. Yes, but you claimed that Cindy Crawford was manly. No, no, no. Manish. Not manly. So what is Grace Jones? Oh, God, I don't know. She's just straight man.

Yeah, she's like a robotic dinosaur that just wants to be touched. She's like a man. So when I was 20, my celebrity crush was... The year was 2000. The year was 2000. Now, remind me, which of the Spice Girls became the ambassador of Goodwill? Jerry Hall. Goodwill, yeah.

Ginger. Yeah, I found her cute, too. I believe I went on the internet Maybe I found a topless photo of her Oh, there's tons of them And I was just blown away I just thought she was way hotter than all the other Spice Girls Spice Girls were kind of over by then

Were they? I'm going to agree with you on that though But Jerry, like her run in my fantasy world Continued long after You followed her solo career as a UN ambassador of goodwill. She was the first one to leave the Spice World.

I remember when she recorded that crazy version of It's Raining Men. Right, right, right. Do you remember that video? She became a gay icon. I then had that song stuck in my head for eight years until today. Until today, until this very minute. She was that song stuck in my head. For eight years until today. Until today. Until this very minute.

She was really cute back in the day. I was just looking at that Grace Jones thing, and her album was called Night Clubbing. And it says Night Clubbing is best known for Pull Up to the Bumper. Oh my god. That's interesting. I was in a disco band, and we covered that song. Really? Yeah.

What was the disco band called? Saturn. Yeah, that's a good name in a disco band and we covered that song Really? Yeah What was the disco band called? Saturn Yeah, that's a good name for a disco band But that song is all about having sex Pull up to the bumper Oh, pull up to the bumper It's about anal sex Wait, wait, wait, wait

What? Yeah You should listen to the lyrics No, no, what's anal sex? You're the AIDS expert Oh man It's dangerous That's what I can tell you.

For so many reasons. Is it? I don't know. No, yeah, it is. I don't know. For the HIV transmission reason. Oh, yeah, yeah. Use a condom.

Yeah, use a condom, everybody. Yeah, yeah. There was a Salt-N-Pepa song that covered many of the things that we're talking about here today. Download it. I think it was called What a Man. Was En Vogue involved? Yeah, possibly. It was a collaboration.

So Jerry Hollywell. Jerry Hollywell, eh? Yeah, I know, I know. But, like, she was... I actually think I got into her after the Spice Girls. Because I found the Spice Girls kind of annoying. She really got in great shape after the Spice Girls. She found the Spice Girls kind of annoying. She really got in great shape after the Spice Girls. She was always a bitch.

She was in that video on that boat. She was on a boat. Yeah, she was on a boat. That was after the Look At Me video. Was that a song? In the Navy? Was it a cover of In the Navy? Or La Isla Bonita? It had something to do with an island.

Anyway, shall we move on? It's getting late in the holiday time. Yeah, Santa's going to come. Or Hanukkah Harry. See? I could play both sides. Don't patronize me.

There isn't... I already told you no Jews care about Hanukkah. Are there any other gift-giving Jewish holidays? No. Man, we give each other money all the time. Yeah, is that just like under the table? Bar mitzvahs. Bar mitzvahs. Man, yeah, see?

Did you have a bar mitzvah? Yeah, I had a bar mitzvah. Is it fun? I had a good time, yeah. I was there. Yeah, Shumka was at my bar mitzvah. Your voice cracked when you were singing the scripture The Torah

Because I became a man Your voice cracked and from then on you had pubic hair Yeah You had Nocturnal emissions Yeah I saw on you know that show The MTV show

Where they have like the kids' birthday parties or whatever? My Sweet Sixteen? Yeah. My Super Sweet Sixteen? But they had one that was a, does it happen on your 16th birthday? No, it's your 13th. Well, no, it can happen any time after your 13th. Because they had a bar mitzvah one, and it was like they rented out all these stages, and it was quite a big deal.

Shit can get crazy. Have you seen the video of 50 Cent playing a kid's bar mitzvah? No, it is priceless. He like, I think he got like, like nice. He said that there probably is a Jew tube.

Well, probably that's really fun. Anyway, you know, we all know that, you know, entertain know that you know entertainers do horrible gigs

for a lot of money yeah I know it first hand and wait you're supposed to get paid for the horrible gigs so 50 Cent plays this kid's

bar mitzvah and I think the rule was like no one could film him but in this 21st century of cell phone cameras

how can you guarantee something like that? So there's this great footage of him at this kid's park. Like he's in a community center or something like that? No, no, man. If you have the money to rent out 50 Cent, you can probably afford more than a community center. I like the idea of somebody who, to get the money together to get 50 Cent, had to forego a lot of the niceties. So it's in a community center. It's a shitty basement. It's a lot of paper plates.

It's kind of like a potluck. Just a few guests. It's just a few guests and 50 Cent. Just a kid and his parents. The parents have mortgaged the house. Okay, so last thing we want to do is Graham and I want to open our Secret Santa gifts.

I got you a Secret Santa. I don't know if you know that. Oh, okay. I also got me. Oh, well. Open up your presents and enjoy. But also, months and months ago, I came back from Europe. And I was in Vienna and Prague.

It was part of your Zuropa tour. It was part of my Zuropa tour, and I bought you some souvenir gifts, and then I lost them. I remember. And then I found them. Oh! So let's do that first. Okay. Let's do, there you go.

It's in a Tesco bag, still in the original bag I brought it back in. Oh, wow. That's so European. It's pretty European, right? It's so cultural. it's pretty european so cultural i'm reaching into the bag i'm opening up oh what's this first thing that you have it's exciting that's it what language is this in uh it's in uh i think it's in german okay it is uh you learned a lot in your european it is a dvd copy of cop and a Half starring Burt Reynolds and that little kid.

It's called Jaden Apul. It may not be German. I bought it in Vienna, so I don't know what language it is. Yeah, it's probably in German. Oh, no, it's got a lot of... You shouldn't buy it in Praha? Yeah, no, I bought this in Vienna. Okay, it looks Czech.

The writing on the back. It might be Czech. Oh, yeah, and Tatulky subtitles says CZ, so it's probably Czech. Well, there you go. Enjoy your DVD copy of the Czech. Thank you. The Czech classic, cup and a half.

Oh, a pack of gum, or is it... It's a chocolate bar. It's a chocolate bar. It's a chocolate bar called Comics with some children on it. Oh, yeah, and then there's like these hilarious comics. When you unwrap them, there's a comic on the wrapper. Shall I? Well, go ahead. But they're all in...

Yeah, what makes you think they're hilarious comics? The ones that I read struck me as quite hilarious. There's a camel involved. This is probably racist. It's probably racist Rex Morgan MD. Okay. How many things are there in here? Four? I don't know. I feel four.

Another comics bar. Yeah. I think one of those works for me. Okay. And another bar. It looks like a hazelnut chocolate bar called Muesli Ego., called Muesli Ego. Yeah. Muesli Ego. All right.

Yeah. With hazelnuts in chocolate. That's in English. Yeah. I don't know. That sounds delightful. Yeah, I thought so. There's a...

And I liked that it was called Muesli Ego. Yeah. It says fruits, 20% minimum. 20%? That's the minimum amount of fruits per bar? So there could be a lot more. Yeah. All right. All's the minimum amount of fruit per bar. So there could be a lot more. Yeah.

All right. So Secret Santa time, guys. I didn't wrap yours up. I put it in a post-select date and raisin pecan crunch box for my roommate. How many things is it? Just one thing. One thing. Okay, I have four things for you.

Four things? Better be under the agreed upon price limit. Oh, it is. Read the card and then start with the bottom stuff. All right. It says, Graham, happy holidays to the world's greatest shock jock. Yeah, that's true. I am.

I really did shock some people with the last couple podcasts. Oh, it's wrapped in twilight paper. Good pick. Thanks. Number one film in Canada three weeks in a row. Really? That's what it says right there. Oh, we were smart enough to avoid four Christmases. good pick thanks number one film in Canada three weeks in a row really oh we were smart enough to avoid for Christmas's and the day the earth stood

still I'm excited now I don't know what it is answers on the back oh awesome it's are you smarter than a fifth grader travel game keychain oh that's a gigantic that can't be used as a keychain no it's too big for any pocket yeah but you could not put that in your pocket there's four different versions i got you the history version so will you spin the wheel and then how does it work you go i don't know in what month do we observe columbus day where's the answer oh questions on front answers on the back you gotta open it oh you gotta open it nice i don you celebrate Columbus Day. The answer is we don't celebrate Columbus Day in Canada. We celebrate Jacques Cartier Day.

Then you are smarter than a fifth grader. Alright. This guy. You wrapped this one in any paper. From the musical. You know, if you take the entertainment section of a newspaper, you can disguise it as an actual wrapping paper this is a Lilo and stitch nice cute cute tips oh goodness pretty good right we're in

Japanese yeah Japanese I went to the Japanese store in the Tinseltown mall I like that they put the nicely done they put the Lilo and stitch cartoons in the middle of the q-tip instead of on the ends yeah which i think is good that's smart right how else are you gonna enjoy them so that's that's top top drawer i mean that's going in my top drawer where i keep my q-tips another keychain limp biscuit keychain now that's one that's uh that's a pocket size keychain that's gonna replace my current what's the current? The current keychain I have is from my cousin.

And finally, you've done very well. I'm assuming you stayed under the limit. Yep. As far as I know. What is money? This looks like a watch that has... Who is this? It's a picture of somebody on it?

I have to... Where did you find a watch under $30? That's what I want to know. eBay. And who's on it? It is a picture of former Haitian dictator Jean-Claude Baby Doc Duvalier.

Is that really who it is? I can't confirm or deny that, but I think that's who it is. Who do you think that is? I live at or old dirty bastard. Definitely looks like a Haitian dictator. How did you find that? It could be Papa Doc.

I do a lot of, I search for a lot of vintage watches on eBay. Yeah. Wow. Thank you very much. Hey. Happy holidays, Dave. And like his dictatorship, the watch has also stopped. Oh, right.

Yes. Oh, also, you'll get AIDS from it. Oh. Those are the care instructions for your gift. Okay, I'm opening my gift. It is one gift. It is one gift. To end all gifts. It's falling under

the agreed upon amount. It is a t-shirt. It is a under the agreed-upon amount. It is a t-shirt. It is a t-shirt. You've had made. Yeah. I haven't seen it yet. I'm displaying it to the guest. He's nonplussed.

No, he's laughing. Right. Yes. Now you see. It says cinnaminsit. You see, because to stay under the amount the agreed upon amount I couldn't put

don't just rinse it cinnamons it that would have pushed me well beyond the $30 amount so it's just cinnamons it fans of the show will remember the John Doerr episode where we did a public service announcement drain it if you stain it.

Don't just drain it. Don't just drain it if you stain it. You gotta rinse it. Thank you, Graham. I'm gonna sell this to our fans. Happy holidays, Dave. Happy holidays to everyone. Thank you very much to Dan.

Thanks for coming in and being part of our podcast. Thank you for having me. If anyone wants to check out your music, you can go to... Well, apparently, we tried to make our website inaccessible, but Graham somehow hacked his way into it. Yeah, I accessed it very easily through Google. But you should not go to our website. You should go to our My you should go to our myspace

page which is myspace.com slash woodhands yeah um your album is available on itunes it's available at amazon and it's great stuff like i was listening to a bunch of uh thank you so much yeah no it's it's it's really fun uh and i really and you said the the tour in j Japan yielded some sort of... Yeah. Yeah. We got a... We have some interest from a label. Which is great.

Which is great. A Japanese label. A Japanese label. Wants to give you some distro. Yeah. But my mom only cares about my test marks. That's mom's, right? That is mom.

I forgive her. Yeah. Jobless. Thanks a lot for coming and being part of the podcast. that's mom's that is mom I forget her jobless thanks a lot for coming and being part of the podcast and if what hands ever comes to your town make sure you go see them

you'll never have more fun it's a dancing good party and you know how I love to dance I think I remember seeing you against the wall at some of our shows which is your version of dancing hey I'm seeing you against the wall at some of our shows. Yeah, probably. Which is your version of dancing. Hey, I'm supporting you in my own way.

No, I know, I know. So we'll be back next week with a new episode. Yeah, everybody, you know, no drinking and driving. Keep safe during this wild time that is the end of the year. And also, thank you so much to all the bumpers who sent in their notes saying that they enjoy the show and people sending in their overheards or photos or their hilarious pranks. We haven't come to a conclusion on the official American listener thing. It breaks our heart to even be considering it, but we will have an answer by the next episode because we don't want to leave people in the lurch.

This episode went a little long. Yeah, but it's been a joy. I know I've enjoyed myself, and if you guys want to send us a line, anybody out there, it's stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. Or you can check out, and or, check out our recap

blogs, stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com in your web browser. And send us anything like we were talking about before, the big old tires and all those type of things, something that's been named something. Someone should know better. Somebody should know better by now, not to name their thing the thing that it's named. Our closing music will be a song from Woodhands.

What song should we play? Why don't we play one of the songs that no one ever plays? Okay. Let's call it Be Back Soon. I love Be Back Soon. All right, Be Back Soon. All right, and thanks, everybody, for listening. Come on back again for another exhilarating episode

of Stop Podcasting yourself. We'll be right back. On a flashing light It's a solution Isn't that so? Conversation You want it to come That's what you said Bye. Where to find you Where to go Oh I don't know where I'll be back To get my

Things Don't know when I'll be back To get my Things Don't know when Don't know when Don't know what I'm talking about Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We'll be right back. I'm staying No more flashing lights It's a solution

Isn't that some kind of Solution You want it to come That's what you said