Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 432 - Jane Stanton

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

Comedian Jane Stanton returns to talk high school parties, old teachers, and wooden limbs.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 432 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I just love this denim shirt he sometimes wears. It's a button up but it snaps and it looks like it could be a jacket. Mr. Dave Schoenke.

You know what it's a little chilly. Yeah. So I do wear it with a shirt underneath. Yeah. So I wear it as a bit of a jacket. We talk a lot about my denim shirts. Yeah. In this portion of the show.

And sometimes when it's hotter, do you just wear the denim shirt? No shirt underneath? Yeah. I'm trying to come up with something, a way where I can just wear snaps. But like just the placket. And the placket and the collar. The collar. Sort of like a.

And then just tuck it into your pants. Yeah, like a Western Chippendale. But also then it looks like you're wearing like a flesh shirt. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Real nice.

And then I tuck my penis in between my legs. I tuck my penis in between my legs. Our guest today, a ray of sunshine, a regular here on the podcast, a very funny comedian, Miss Jane Stanton is our guest. Yay! One of the originals. One of our first guests. Yeah. Welcome back.

Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming. Do you want to get to know us? Yeah. Yeah. Get to know us. So, Jane, we all have a mutual hate for the summer heat. Yes.

You got a sunburn. What were you doing out in the sun? Being an idiot. Yeah. I was up Mount Seymour what were you doing at mount seymour doing the spartan race you were doing the spartan i was not doing it because you've done it so doing this part of the spartan race is a dance yeah it's a robot um it's an obstacle race and i work i do the festival i work for them but it's up mount

seymour and there's flies flies everywhere oh really oh that's disgusting I had to wear a net like on your face oh like on the cellar

yes you did wearing a kind of like a beekeepers yep pretty much it's super sexy I got a lot of dates

from other beekeepers yeah and they should have their own app yeah but it's like keeper but without the E's From other beekeepers? Yeah. And they're there. They should have their own app. Yeah. It's like Keeper, but without the E's. I think you mentioned that earlier.

I think you came up with that app like six episodes ago. It's a good, you know what? It's a good idea then. It's a good idea now. Great idea now. Why are there so many? Because we don't have tons of flies flies in the city do we but they come out as flies can smell a spartan race yeah exactly and then i put on sunscreen it was like

28 degrees on friday or saturday and i just got so burnt so people were doing this thing where they go uh they go in mud and they go under barbed wire and they were doing that in 28 degree heat. Yeah. So they could have saved on the setup and just had them to show up and stand around in 28 degree heat. Yes. So if anyone's not from Canada, 28 degrees is like 30 degrees.

Um, uh, what, so what do you do at this? I dance. Hard. 14 hours a day. Everyone else does the setup. Yeah. They just bring out Jane and she just dances. Only to electronic.

And just everyone gets in a big circle. Yeah. Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane. I vomited on the second day, but I kept going. Well, that's good. That's why they hired us. They bring Jane back.

Spartan race, how long is it? Is it like... There's different ones. There's 5K. Graham did in Calgary years ago. Yeah. Nearly died, I tell you. He did.

I walked by. He did with his dad. His dad destroyed you. Oh, yeah. By miles. And then you went with, like, your, didn't you go with, like, your brother's mom? Yeah, my brother's both finished in, like, record time. Yeah.

And then I drove by, and I'm like, oh, my God, that person I didn't know was you. I'm like, he's lying down. I don't know if he's okay. And it was Graham lying on the grass, like. Did you die? Yeah, I flatlined, like, that movie. Flatliners. Oh, the Frighteners.

Yeah, it was so hard. 5K, 13K, half marathon, full marathon. Full marathon. And it's just like people whipping you with like live wires for 26 miles. And spears. But really, there's a marathon one and there's weird obstacles. That's how it sun peaks Yeah

How long does it take Those people to Those There was 220 people Did it last year And only 60 people finished Because it's so hard I'm surprised 60 people finished

It seems like I think 220 people would try But like what's a good time For that Yeah Six hours Yeah around that Oh boy

I don't have that kind of time. No. Even when I drive that long, I'm like, I'm tired. Can you train for these things? Yeah, they're really fit. But no one has an obstacle course in their backyard? Oh, they do. Oh, okay.

You can put some pictures. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? I've seen, there's that show, American Ninja Warrior. I knew you were going to say that. Where people build the, you know, the equivalents of whatever. Oh, they do a home version. Oh, yeah.

They have their coaches yelling at them when they do the American Ninja. Like, come on. You can do it. And everyone seems, I mean, the hardest part, you don't really even need to simulate it. Because it's just like they have to hold on by their fingertips. Oh, like on this, like one inch platform.

When I think about how small my fingertips are and how little I think they can support. Oh boy. Well, you know what they say? Yeah. Makes your wiener look huge. You've got tiny fingers.

Well, another tip. Anyway. Um, uh, but like you heard about uh uh comedian eddie izzard is hard is hard he uh he ran a marathon every day for 26 days that's a joke uh yeah uh to raise to raise money for charity. Oh, okay. But how do you, can the human body sustain doing a marathon? No, look at my dad. You know my dad. My dad walks like he's a robot.

He's in like Walking Dead. My dad's like 80. He's done like 12 marathons and five Ironmans. He's so stiff now from running on the cement. Oh, really? He's just like, ah, like he can't. Can he still run or no? No, he gave that up.

Retired. Retired from running. But also he's 80. No, there's, like. What a lame ass. He's so lazy. No, but like he's 80

and so. So he shouldn't, he probably shouldn't still be running. But like, if you asked me when I was a kid, how does an 80 year old walk i would

be like a stiff shuffle like yeah yeah that's yeah it's only in recent years that the that the idea of a fit 80 year old he goes on bike rides 70 kilometer bike rides really yeah that is true like all of a sudden we live in a culture where there's these in shape possibly sexually active uh 85 year old people in in commercials and such but we when we grew up it was all you know cardigans and sitting on a bench 80 was dead like i think of my grandpa and i was like he was like 100 my dad's like he was 80 i'm like ah yeah so much older when you were like, they just looked old. Yeah. And, and it always weirds me out when there's commercials for old people, things that don't have old people in them.

Oh, like, like dentures with like, you know, 40 year olds in them. Like, I guess I lost my teeth in, you know, Detroit. And like Michael Strahan does Metamucil commercials, which is great, by the way. I'm a fan. I would be dead if I had that. If you had Metamucil? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You cannot tolerate the wheat. No. Oh, I guess. It's not wheat. It's just a clearance mechanism. I don't need more than that. So you've been working on behalf of the Spartans. That was just for like nine days, but it was like 100 plus hours.

Now, they are making a Spartan TV show. No, they're not. Yeah, they've been advertising it during American Ninja Warrior. Oh, it's just the races. They're televising the races, yeah. I guess so, but are they not going to make their own? They have a pro team. A pro team? I guess so, but are they not going to make their own? They have a pro team.

A pro team? Tell, come on, we're interested. We have a Western Canada elite team. One of the females from our team is probably on that. She's amazing. Okay. Faye, she's one of the top ones. She always comes top three.

I like Faye as a name. Yeah, it's not bad. And as a description of the top ones. She always comes top three. I like Faye. Yeah. As a name. Yeah, it's not bad. And as a description of how I walk. Now, your brother is involved in this. So this is a family business. A fair, yes. Does your dad come out? He does.

Does he kind of want to run one of these races? He talks to people and then there'll be giant lineups wherever he goes. Because he's like, so, have you done this race before? And then it's like people are trying to get body marked for their numbers. And then he'll just be talking to people. And then there'll be no lineup. I come back five minutes later, there's like 30 people. Because he just loves chatting. He's slowing down the lineup to remember chatting to people?

Yeah. I just had a great idea to make it seem like you were in a race you could do the felt pen on your arm go to a tanning booth and then on monday at work be like oh yeah i was in some race i got a felt tan i'm not sure that how it works i don't know if it works that way either but because I seem to get the sun seems to penetrate anything around me. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah.

I feel like I almost got a burn through my T-shirt. Yeah. This plan wouldn't work unless you put it on with sunscreen. But then they'd be like, why did you do that? You just don't wash it off. Just come in like. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You put your shirt over. People are like, what's that? Yeah. Did a Spartan race. You're still wearing the the tag on you you have mud on yourself too and they're like you didn't shower their showers they're like oh it was hard that's not how the spartans would have done it because i'm i'm doing a year as a spartan i did the spartan diet yeah no metamucil i kicked the guy into an open pit. Where'd you do that? In Sparta. In Sparta?

So what else has been keeping you busy? I did a recording of an album. Do you see how excited I was? I was so excited. The early show was going great. A comedy album. A comedy album. A Spartan comedy album.

Jane sings the hits. Jane sings today's hits. Today's hits. I don't even know anymore. Hello from the other hits. Today's hits. I don't even know anymore. Hello from the other side. Something by that guy.

Taylor Swift something. Yeah. Oh yeah. Justin Bieber's song about some him. Sorry he is.

We're knocking it out of the park here. Live album. Everybody's recording albums. With this golden era. I was just doing I was doing Graham's jokes.. It's a golden era. I was just doing, I was doing Graham's jokes.

I told him that. I did Graham. And a couple other people's jokes. And last time. It's called Jane Bombs. And it was like 10 minutes in and this guy's phone went so loud that I thought it was the sound guy. I was like, what? The whole place just stopped.

He starts playing music cues during your taping. And I'm like, I just looked at it and I was like, what? Like, the whole place just stopped. He starts playing music cues during your taping. And I'm like, I just looked at it, and I was like, no! Like, I yelled. And it was a guy, like, second row, and he's like, oh, he left. And I was like, okay, so I continue. And then a person at the table in front phone rings. So loud.

And I was like, and they were older, too. They were like 60. And I'm like, what? They don't know how to turn off their ringer. But I would expect it from young people. Like, something better than this. Let's go clubbing. Where do they go? I don't know.

And then he comes back in. To Metamucil Town. And he sits down. He has his arms crossed. He's like, you got a problem? And I lost my mind. I went like red face the whole, like just lost it. I was like, fuck yeah.

Like lost it. And then he just stared red face the whole, like, just lost it. I was like, fuck it, yeah, like, lost it. And then he just stared at me the whole show. Wow. So how many, was this your only crack at doing an album? I did Late Show, but they were so drunk. Saturday Late Show, just like, ah. So do you think either of them will be usable for an album or no? No. The first one is funny

but I'm like I don't know that's not my thing like being funny yeah cue phone ring like that's part of

you know I like that I like the idea that it feels real yeah it's like whatever happened that night

is the that's the recording okay fine we'll recheck with it I need a name for it I have no name. Jane Bombs. No.

Jane Bombs live in Saigon. You can say it's live anywhere because who's going to check? Yeah, because they don't have, you know, you can't tell the different ethnicities of the laughs if there are no laughs. There was laughs. There's an album, I want to say it's Andrew Dice Clay put out at the height of his popularity where he did a show where nobody knew who he was. And he bombs. And it's alive.

What do you mean? It was at the height of his popularity, but no one knew who he was? So he did an album in a stadium. And then he went to a club purposefully didn't you know wasn't announced as andrew dice class nobody in the crowd knew who he was and he was doing these and it wasn't his fans at the time no it wasn't because everyone was still at the stadium yeah it was weird that he recorded at the same night he said i gotta chase this high i'm gonna go record another album um yeah anyways yeah i don't know if you can find it online but yeah he does like he does the same jokes yeah dickery dickery duck

he's made a great comeback for acting in the past like year or two that's true he has johnny's bananas yeah he was in uh he was wasn't he on louis vinyl oh he's in vinyl he had the best like i rewound it twice scene it was 30 minutes he fucking destroyed it was great really don't laugh oh no i'm laughing because you're the like i recorded vinyl like i set dvr reminders and recorded it and recorded it for weeks and recorded the whole series. We're just waiting for someone to say that they watched it. Yeah. I didn't love it.

I thought it'd be way better. Who is Ray Romano in it? I thought you were going to say, who's Ray Romano? Now, before we move on, you guys, who is this Ray Romano I keep hearing about? He's actually pretty good in it. Did you watch all of vinyl? Yeah. Did you watch all of it?

I could have. I just watched it because of that. I did the exact same. I taped all. I've got to watch it before I erase it. Because it's going to be this huge cultural phenomenon, and no one ever talked about it ever. No one. be this huge cultural phenomenon and i no one ever talked about it ever no one the guy who wrote it there's an interview with him in vanity fair because he toured with the rolling stones he did a bunch of journalism pieces about them and that's martin scorsese marty scorsese is his

friend's call oh that's the same guy yeah i've heard people talk about marty scorsese and he seems like a like he's got a lot of famous friends martin scorsese is an an auteur it seems like very standoffish um but uh martin scorsese loved this guy because he wasn't a conventional screenwriter and so he that's why that's why he brought him in for this. But maybe it backfired. Maybe it's not. Because he wasn't using Final Draft. He probably

didn't have it for sure. He was doing tab. Tab in every time. Mick Jagger. Why is the script so late? I don't know what I'm doing. He just writes in the Rolling Stones as characters

it's all I know how to write so it's not good or is it worth watching watch the first three so you see Andrew Dice Clay that's about it oh someone dies in the first three no yes is he dressed like Andrew Dice Clay Oh, someone dies in the first three. No.

Yes. Is he dressed like Andrew Dice Clay with the big glasses? He wears big glasses now? No, he's wearing the big glasses, but he doesn't look like him. Right. I didn't know it was him. I'm like, I think that's him. And then paused it, Googled. That was the most excitement of the show.

Yeah. I kept being like, it's got to be better. Like, I had a great cast. And the worst is Ray's really good. is ray you know ray ray um but everyone's pretty good in it it's just it'd be the writing that i found yeah well this guy had never written a screenplay before so there you go have at her um yeah that's got to be weird to have the most famous director in the world go, here you go, write a whole series. Okay, I need it by, well, even if he gave me a lot.

I'd wait until the day before to write it, even if he gave me a year. It just pops up as a reminder on your phone. Oh, no. I told Marty I'd have it ready. They start shooting tomorrow. Oh, no. I told Marty I'd have it ready. They start shooting tomorrow. Marty's going to go away and Martin's going to come. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde thing. So you haven't seen any of it, right?

Commercial. Yeah, but the commercials make it look good. Oh man, it looks so good in the commercials. Plus, from the visionary mind of Marty Scorsese, from the visionary mind of Marty Scorsese. From the friendly mind of Marty Scorsese. Marty Scorsese and Andrew Dice Clay kind of have the same glasses. Yeah. Discuss.

Did I tell you about when I saw Andrew Dice Clay at the comedy store in LA? I was visiting past guest Lachlan Patterson. And we went to the comedy store and Lachlan said, oh, we can go watch the show in the main room. And Andrew Dice Clay just stopped in to do a set. And he, I had not

seen him on anything. This was before his comeback. And he comes on stage, he's wearing the leather jacket and he's got fingerless gloves fingerless gloves he's got the cigarette but i mean this is now you know 2006 2007 you're not allowed to smoke inside so he's got the cigarette and he was also wearing sweatpants i was like sweatpants and a leather jacket pick a pick a lane. You should be wearing a jersey hoodie. Yeah. And then, yeah, he did a bunch of just kind of, you know, observational.

He did a joke about Staples. That's all I remember. The store Staples. But it was so weird because he was like, you know, at the height of his popularity, he was like a cartoon character. Yeah. because he was like, you know, at the height of his popularity, he was like a cartoon character. Yeah. He was like this big famous guy that always had the hairdo and everything.

The smoke thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but then it was weird to see him like older but still kind of half in the character

but also like, was like, I want to be comfortable. Jane. Dance wise. When you were a young woman was when he was at the, I mean, you're still a young woman, but when you were like, I don't know.

Blossoming. Yeah, sure. Was when he was maybe at the peak of his powers. When was that? When he was at the peak? Was that like the late 80s or early 90s? Yeah. Yeah.

Like, I want to say Ford Fairlane came out in 1990. Did you have a crush on him? No. No. No, I don't know anyone that did. Oh, I think probably there were girls, like teen girls. I don't think teen girls. I want to say like cougars back then.

Maybe people who had been around during Elvis's heyday. Yeah, they had like big bangs and stuff. They didn't have big bangs. No. Because he had a very Elvis kind of look. He had like big bangs and stuff. Yeah. He didn't have big bangs. No, the ladies had big bangs. Yeah, Elvis was famous for his bangs. His bangs. Andrew Day's clays bangs.

Andrew bangs clays. Perms. It would be that type of ladies. Yeah. Yeah, that was everyone at the time oh in 1990 i wish i i feel like the only reason i knew who he was was because of that movie ford fairland oh really because yeah because my parents wouldn't let me watch i know me neither but i i still knew that he was a stand-up comedian because he was was on Late Night. He did stand-up.

Like, he did all the... My parents didn't let me watch Late Night. Yeah, right. No, I didn't. Never. I didn't know. I knew just by cultural osmosis who David Letterman was. But I didn't...

I never saw Johnny Carson or anything. What? No, even when he went off the air. I asked if I could stay up and watch the last episode. My parents were like, no. You know who I think I probably knew Andrew Dice Clay from like Mad Magazine. They would have done a spoof about him and like Morton Downey Jr. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I actually, past guest Aaron Salazar moved backouver from victoria and he brought with him from his parents house a giant box of mad magazines and he brought them uh to the show i do on monday the laugh gallery in havana and he said you know just take whichever ones you want and one of them had morton downey jr it's funny they they they're flipping through them it's very the nostalgia level is off the charts are the are the magazines funny for adults um yeah like i remember why i mean it's all nostalgia right i remember reading as a kid and being like i couldn't relate to who these people were making a living creating mad magazine no no like and i don't know if i like i haven't looked at a modern mad magazine they well they they now they have real uh advertisers in them

so it's not the same kind of oh that sucks and my friend used to get a subscription and they would send it it would come in a brown paper sleeve and it would say on the brown paper sleeve, definitely not a porno magazine. This is like, that is a good joke. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Was that something, was Mad Magazine something you read? Oh, yeah. No.

Well, yes, because my brother had them, so I'd steal them and read them. Younger or older? Older. Right. You've got to steal from your elders. Yeah. Did you get any of the stuff when you were reading? Oh, I loved it.

Yeah? It was great. Or maybe I pretended to. I don't know. I feel like there was a lot of- It's like cartoons when you're younger. Parents are laughing, so you start laughing. Yeah.

When your parents are sitting around watching cartoons. They loved them. Your parents go outside. They get sprayed by a skunk again. They come in and watch cartoons. I can't imagine as a kid being like, oh, yeah, Kaputnik's going back to the doctor with his pipe. Oh, I can relate to this.

But isn't that kind of how you develop a sense of humor? You just laugh when adults laugh. You kind of fake it till you make it, right? I laugh usually when I can't relate to modern sitcoms. They don't have a laugh track. Oh, yeah. Well, I remember. Funniest sitcom?

MASH. The laugh track years. But were there any years that they didn't have a laugh track? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. That's when it fell off for me. It was.

I don't know which came first. It was the chicken. Are you joking, though? Do you like modern sitcoms? Yeah, I do. Or you do? Yeah, I do. Okay. okay you there's a couple i can't even like big bang i watched the first one no i'm a year late and i thought the guy was a

robot like i thought his character was acting so bad he was like i was like did they make him i guess i should watch the game oh that Oh, that's such a bad joke. Yeah. Three guys make a robot friend. Make a robot who refuses to have sex with Mayim Bialik. Because I thought it was like Blade Runner. It's just like really bad acting. It's always raining.

No, that's not what I meant by modern sitcom. I get it now. That's like the old model of all laugh facts. Yeah, but when you were a kid watching sitcoms, did you get the jokes or were you just thinking, oh, it's just funny because it's funny? I think I got some of them. Yeah. But you go back and you see them again. And like, even with The Simpsons. Yeah.

There are, the things are funny. Or like, sometimes it's just some funny words and you don't know what it means. And then you realize like, oh, this is making fun of the fact that, you know, Mr. Burns is really old. I didn't get the weird words he was using, but. Yeah. It's, I don't get the weird words he was using, but. Yeah, it's, I don't know. I feel like I, because did you used to watch movies with your family? Like on a.

Yeah. Like whatever Friday night, like you'd get a movie. Not normal movies though. What would you get? My dad would watch Zulu. What is that? You're welcome. What is Zulu?

Michael Caine. Okay. It sounds like it's of a time. It is of a time. It's so long. I'm going to look it up. All the spaghetti westerns, all of them. Okay.

Did your dad like a Clint Eastwood? Yeah. Okay. And Lawrence of Arriba, like just all that, which was like that. Zulu 2013 starting Orlando Bloom. No. Lawrence of Whittaker. Wrong.

Zulu 1964. Yeah. It's great. It's not, it has a horrible like fight scene. I hate watching like people getting stabbed. Oh, yeah. All that stuff. In black and white.

In black and white. Yeah. What did you watch? We would watch. It would swing between some. If it was my mom renting, we could really kind of harass her into getting us something really dumb a weekend at bernie's etc yes but if it was a dad pick it was always uh paul newman some paul newman movie yeah uh he didn't yeah he didn't like uh western or he picked some crazy movie that just had a crazy

cover and then we do what we watch this one called i've heard the mermaids calling it was like some canadian movie oh and it was i remember i just watched it because it was our one movie we got to watch that week and just being like so angry yeah that's true did you guys ever had that when you did pick a movie? Like, you'd get to pick, right? Like, if you got the chance to pick. And I did that. I was like, oh, I'll pick this one. It was a crazy sex.

And my parents were like, what is this? I'm like, I don't know. I feel like we've talked about this a lot. I'm just like, you're a kid and you don't know. And you just know the boxes of the movie rental place. And you're like, if it's up to me, we're just going to get DC cab because it's got Mr. D holding the door of a car that he ripped off. You're the eldest. Yeah.

And you have. I'm the youngest. Three older. I have three older as well. Yeah. And so it wasn't my parents choosing. It was my older siblings always choosing because my parents were just like, leave us alone. I never. Yeah. And so it wasn't my parents choosing. It was my older siblings always choosing because my parents were just like, leave us alone. I never.

Yeah. Like, I never had a babysitter. I watched Mad Max, the original when I was way too young. Like, it was 79. I think the very first one. I thought the world was going to end for like years. Oh, yeah. Like, I was like four or five.

So you never had a babysitter. You probably never had a babysitter. Maybe I was like four or five. So you never had a babysitter. You probably never had a babysitter. Maybe I did. I know like one time my parents went to France and we all had a babysitter. Oh, wow. I had a babysitter once and I locked the bathroom door, climbed out the window. So she looked for me for hours and then went out the attic. She found me and I threw the ladder down.

She's like, get down. I'm like, nope. And you were out the attic, she found me and I threw the ladder down. She's like, get down. I'm like, nope. And you were 16 at the time? I was 22. Well, you were,

you were, you were a bad, like a hellion when you were a kid. Sort of, yeah. Yeah, because I was telling Dave,

at one point, I went over to your parents' house. It was their anniversary dinner. Yeah, yeah. And everybody got too drunk and I ended up sleeping over there. And they had removed your bedroom door when i was younger yeah because

they had read a book you couldn't be trusted to have a door tough love they removed the blinds so i had no blinds what what did they think you were gonna pull off with blinds i don't even know jane keeps cutting herself with a blind. I don't think I was. The neighbors keep not being able to see Jane. Naked. They request to get rid of the blinds. Yeah.

So what? They thought every morning my dad would be like, good morning at like six. I'd be like, yup. And I'd just fall back asleep. It made me, I could sleep anywhere. Did you get up to, were you always sneaking out? Oh, yeah. I would wait.

Or I'd say, oh, it's so hot. I'm going to sleep downstairs. My mom would be like, okay. And their house is like this. It's like super cool. It was a great house. Yeah, yeah. And I'd like wait.

Like the basement is really cold? Yeah. But i'd like wait the basement is is really cold yeah but like no the whole house is great my mom would be like really you have to sleep downstairs i'm like yes and then i my friend would knock on the door because we were stupid and then we'd leave well it was also before texting totally yeah you wouldn't have they would have taken away your phone yeah you wouldn't have had a phone as a teen. You would have had to go buy a burner phone at a store. Or a pager. Like no one's, you know,

throwing rocks at their girlfriend's windows anymore. Now they have an app that just says, you've had a pebble thrown. Yeah, virtual pebble. Click clock. What was your kind of all-time greatest scheme as a as a rebellious team too many pick pick one of the top five top five yeah scheme something where you got away with

it until now yeah yeah that's why i'm a spot i don know. Well, you didn't get our briefing. We're going to be talking schemes. Yeah, yeah. Today's theme is schemes. Okay, this one, I didn't even remember. Okay. I used oregano. I was never a drug addict.

Yeah, here you go. Yeah. And I put it in a Ziploc bag, and I sold it to someone at high school that it was for me. So we could get the money to go get booze. And then somebody sold you some RC Cola in a beer can. So that they could get Harold. Which was actually just some colorful sand from the beach. It was a real gift to the match.

Yeah. How much did you sell oregano for? 50 bucks. Wow. That must have been a lot of oregano. It was. And they're like, it smells like oregano. Oregano is not a, like, I mean, even today, spices are too expensive.

You're like, Jane, you got ripped off. Yeah, I guess if you got a big, like, pillow-sized bag of oregano for 50 bucks, it's pretty good. But I'm sure it was just like a sandwich bag. Yeah, I was an idiot. I got nailed. I tried to get away with it. Did you get the money? Yeah.

So they believed you long enough to give you the money. Yeah. But they didn't smoke it because they might have tried. They must have tried. What happens if you smoke oregano? You get spicy meat to blow up. No. One, okay, I do remember, is I had a party at my house, and this was before Facebook,

but I told everyone like a week before. No, it was just a week ago. And told everyone. And then there was no one there at 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock. I got chips and dip and thought it would be like fun party like you see in high schools. Like people are dancing. That never happens. Everyone just showed up.

There was fucking 400 people. And I was like, what the fuck? And then my sister was there who was like 10 years older and i was like she just like didn't know what to do i'm like you're the adult like i didn't i was like thinking it was a party and this is my own house there's a party on whatever street i feel like i made a boyfriend here yeah and there is jake ryan's gonna show up i phoned the cops like four times. On yourself?

Yeah. Pretending to be the neighbors, but it was right around the time where Call to Spay was coming. They had Call to Spay. They were like, we know you're a dad. We can also hear Funky Colmadina coming through your phone. I'm like, that's just my ghetto blaster. Well, I'm the neighbor. I'm Tone Loke. Oh, neighbor. I'm Tone Loke.

Oh, wait. Was it Tone Loke? Yeah. And so the cops came. My parents were coming home like a couple days later. The grass was like trampled. I like raked it. Raked it.

Like, God. Okay. And my dad was like, I came up with a lie. He's like, what happened to the grass? I'm like, oh, me and my friends were like i came up with a lie he's like what happened to the grass i'm like oh my friends were practicing a dance routine that's what i said well believable yeah internet hasn't been invented yet so i believe you but the cleaning lady found tons of caps and like bottle and tattletales oh really yes oh wow so you were in the clear

and then the cleaning lady I don't think I was really in the clear they like let me believe I was in the clear oh they're like pinning further

yeah next time we leave town we're definitely taking the door off the house and the windows and all the blinds um but like the worst damage off the house. And the windows. And all the blinds.

But like the worst damage was the grass. That's, you're lucky. So lucky because I was at other parties where people like threw someone through a wall. There was like,

and I was just like, thank God that's not my parents' house. I remember supervising a team of drunk teenagers who were trying to patch a hole in a wall. That somebody got, you know, mad that their girlfriend did something, punched a hole through the bathroom wall.

And then we just went into the parents, like down the basement workshop and just found as much wall putty. It just made it worse. Oh, so much worse. To the point where I was like, what if we just move the towel rack over here? Will they notice that? wall putty. It just made it worse. Oh, so much worse. To the point where it's like, what if we just move the towel rack over here? Will they notice that? But, you know, everybody's hammered and thinks they know what they're doing.

Well, we need to take another chunk out of the wall down to the hardware store so we can match the paint color. I also love that I feel like I'm the only one who never got the memo that you don't show up at 7 o'clock

like if you had been throwing a party at 7 o'clock I would have been there at 7 o'clock oh then I'll be home in time for you know

step by step at 9 it would have been I was the same and then I was upset I was like at 9 I'm like no one's here yet. Yeah.

And then they came at 9.30. But how did everybody know not to show up on time? Also, how did... I still don't know that. Yeah. Movies. Because, like, even when I go to a concert and it says, you know, door is at seven, what does that mean? When do I get to see the band?

Later. 10. 11. Yeah, exactly. The thing that's amazing to me is that in the pre-everybody having a phone day. Everybody loving Raymond day. It was both. That the people were able to find, en masse, they were able to find a party.

And all show up there, like you say, around the same time. Yeah, but you can usually hear a party about a block away. Oh yeah, that's true. That's true. You would get in the zone of the party and just follow the noise. Yeah, right. Or see other, you know, other people. Yeah. Kind of carrying a case of beer towards something.

The weird thing is... Because people don't just walk from house to house. Like, if you just see people walking at 11 o'clock at night They're going to a party But you don't see that anymore Or it's reverse Halloween where they give things What do you mean? Teenagers walking around At least maybe they're on the bus

Like used to walk around with like beer or booze Now they have virtual booze I guess Yeah Booze.com Or they're smoking crack or something well you don't see that as much i have not seen i don't at least i don't think as an adult i have not seen a house that was clearly a teenage party so that must be something that happens out in the suburbs it's

weird because our generation don't like i don't feel like an adult. No. No. No, and I don't think I ever will. Like, I don't have any adult skills. I don't have an adult income. But so when I, like, if I walked past a teenage party, I'd be like, oh, I can go in here. Yeah, yeah. I also could go to this party. Yes.

Yeah. That's so great. But I've never seen a party where i've walked by and gone well this is obviously teens you know younger people yes but i've never seen a party where it's clearly teased i know i've seen teens drunk on the bus we have no we have some neighbors that are like early 20s and they uh every so often will just go nuts. Yeah. A couple of my roommates are big on throwing a party like once or twice a year. I don't understand the instinct.

I don't. I've been there. Yeah, you've been to my house. I was at a party in North Van and then I was. You heard about Graham's party. I heard about it. This teenager was like, that's a party. You got a flyer from a teenager.

I was like, yes. And they're like, can we get a ride? You should go. Local bands will be playing. Oh, speaking of things that never happened. There was never a teenage party that a band played at. Ever. Really?

I think, but like, you know. No. Did you ever go to a party? I have been in bands and played parties that no one showed up to. did you ever go to a party i've been in bands and played parties that no one no let's go i think the band's gonna be done at 10 let's go then i remember going to one uh friend's birthday whose dad and mom had split and the dad was very wealthy and i remember him throwing a crazy birthday party and his son was allowed to invite everybody and there was dj and all this kind of stuff everybody got wasted and but that's the

only time there was like like a musician quote unquote i don't i don't there was never like a band or uh yeah or anything like a pool party like craz craziness. Oh, no, I went to a couple pool parties. Okay. Yeah. You didn't go to, I feel like North Van would be prime pool country. It was, but then always people got injured and stuff. Oh, yeah, that's true. They jump off the roof.

Oh, yeah. My friend did that and like broke her ankle. Oh, man. Ruined it. I, yeah. Oh, the worst thing about summer is like, well, no, there's so many terrible things. So many. Yeah.

But like the foot trauma that you get just from being barefoot so often. Oh, yeah. We don't live in a barefoot compatible society. It's not comfortable wearing flip flops. I'm wearing them right now. Why? So stupid. But it's like the idea of like, you know, you get excited around a pool, you run, you

stub your toes, there's blood in the water, you know, you get excited around a pool, you run, you stub your toes, blood in the water, toenails. Yeah. Did you ever like when you were swimming, just scrape against the bottom of a pool? Yeah. Coming out of a water slide. It delivers you into the belly of the beast. The pee room. You know, the big splash park out there in tawasin

it's closing i know i feel like i want to go this summer because you can't i yeah when you go because you can't get a lifetime ban if it's closing that's true lgb yeah so i can just show up that would be fun if a bunch of comedians all went together. How can you smuggle booze into a water park? Ziploc bag. Yeah. In your crotch. Not in your crotch, in your crotch. Those camel bag. Those like bladders

full of whatever. Gotta stay hydrated. Marathoners use. That you would use like, I guess, you know. As a knapsack. Or yeah, or if you had like, you know, wear long pants. Yeah. Ziploc bags. No, we're goths. As a knapsack. Or, yeah. Or if you had, like, you know, wear long pants. Yeah. Zip lock bags. No, we're goths.

We're water park goths. Water park goths. So. We put on our waterproof mascara. We knew it was going to be wet. I feel like if I went on a slide now, I would definitely hurt myself. Mm-hmm. Because.

A slide of water? Yeah. Like, any slide that I went on as a kid, I always sustained some sort of superficial injury. Oh, for sure you would. If not something, you know, whiplash-esque. But I always feel like there was always a cut or a scrape. Well, yeah, those tubes aren't...

They're not one fluid tube. No, and they're stuck together pretty haphazardly with a lot of cocking. Just like that dries up and jags you in the ribs. Rib jag. Did I tell you about the one in Calgary that it had a part that went outside and then went back inside? Oh, yeah. And the outside part was always so cold. Right.

You knew you were going in the outside part. Was it part of a hotel or was it? No, it was like a wave pool. How come no hotels have wave pools? Because they're huge. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I went to Great Wolf Lodge

a few years ago. We talked about it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I love the idea that somebody would just incidentally stay at Great Wolf Lodge. Like a businessman? And then he just looks at, oh, they got a wave pool here. And you go there and it's just like the most humid room in the world. That's like Edmonton.

The one they have. Yeah, it smells like pee. You open the door, it's so humid and just urine like right there. Like the kids peed on you. Like it's disgusting. Did you say one of the theme rooms? The pee room. The theme of this room is urine.

Yeah, it's the R. Kelly suite. The West Edmonton Mall, I don't know if there's equivalents in the States. I assume there are. Oh, yeah. Where every room has, yeah they they all have you know you're the future that was that was the fantasy land hotel is what you're talking yes yeah yeah yeah yeah that's in west amitamal right i think it's adjacent yeah yeah and it had uh you know you're in the the frozen north you're in the space the ancient Greece. That would be fun if you were a kid.

For like one night. Yeah, I think it would be fun only if you were a kid. Yeah. For a thousand nights. Arabian nights. But yeah, like, it wouldn't be fun. As an adult? As an adult.

That'd be horrible. Especially because it's like, I'm sure it's just gross bachelor parties who couldn't get out of town. This is the best we could do. Also, do you think that you can keep the illusion of Arabian Nights going when you turn on the TV and it just says, Fantasyland Hotel. Why not have a drink down at Chuggers? Chuggers Bar and Grill. Oh, they had it at a grill. Yeah, they had to. It kills the rats.

Oh, man. Well, you were on sports teams when you were younger, right? Yeah. Did you go, because we were talking with Kevin Banner last week about going away. All the time is the best. Staying in a hotel room, never at a door. I never had a door. Hotel staff removed your door. This is what the parents have asked for.

We cannot trust Jane. I went to like Montreal, Toronto, in the States and stuff. It was like, it was the best. I didn't know until I was in grade eight that you could order pizza. I'm not even joking. Because my dad would make pizza every Friday. And he cut tomatoes, like half the tomato on each. Like it was just pizza night.

I'm like, I don't like pizza. And I was at my friend's house, and she's like, do you want pizza? I'm like, is your dad making it? Yeah. She's like, no. What do you mean? Why would my dad make it? Dads don't make pizza.

There's a whole section in the phone book about pizza. And then had ordered in pizza, and I was like, oh, my God. And then room service when I was in these hotels. No, it wasn't like it's a fancy hotel. But still, room service, there's a premium on it. It's not like it was my money, you guys. It was my parents. I feel like the hotel bears some responsibility in this bringing room service to a suite full of teens.

I remember a pizza was always such a treat. Oh, yeah. And now it's just the result of how lazy I am. But it wasn't, it didn't, like delivery used to take forever. But it was, it wasn't, it didn't, like, delivery used to take forever. Forever. That's why they would be, like, under 45 minutes, and it's for free. When Domino's came to Canada, it was never half an hour.

And it was like, if it's, yeah, sure, if it's over half an hour, we'll take a dollar off. It's not as sexy an offer as the steak. Yeah. But I, because of where I live now with a bunch of different roommates if i ever order pizza for delivery i wait outside for the delivery guy and uh andrew my roommate pointed out he's like you know that guy probably thinks you're a homeless guy that doesn't have an address for him to deliver to he just knows this house is abandoned. Yeah. So he stands in front of it. Next time you should

get it and just walk away. Just walk down the street and go in the same direction as him. Or have a sleeping bag just there.

I just picked up my phone and I typed in the number of what I just to make sure I could remember it right. But I was right.

I do remember the phone number for Domino's from my youth. Oh wow. Yeah. 604-733-0188 nice i remember call and order 50 pizzas did you ever do the prank i did too many pranks yeah really way too many well like uh i would crank call people all the time because while the police had color eyes, the pizza police didn't. They did not.

The pizza police. Yeah. So, like, would you send pizzas to other people's house? I feel like that's the original prank. We'd do Nicky Nicky Nine Doors at 1 in the morning on people just being dicks. Yeah. If someone, like, as an adult now, if someone knocked on my door at one in the morning on people's just being dicks. Yeah. If someone like as an adult now, if someone knocked on my door at one in the morning,

I would just, I would be too scared to answer. Yeah. Oh God. I hope they go away. Also. I'd phone 911. Can you come here?

Someone just knocked on my door. I think it's the wrong door. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what would happen. Well, I would sleep through it. You have six roommates. You'd pretend to sleep through it.

Yeah, I don't know. If somebody ordered a bunch of pizzas to my house, I think it'd be all right. I think it'd be like, well, I didn't plan on eating six pizzas. I would negotiate with the guy. Well, this was a prank. We both know this was a prank. But you're not going to throw them in the garbage. So let's make a price.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't need 50, but what's the best pizza you got? What are the best six? What's going on with you, Dave? Guys? Yeah. um uh what's going on with you dave guys yeah um well it turns out uh that i live in the same neighborhood and i've known this for a little while i live in the same neighborhood as one of my high school teachers oh weird so weird and sometimes like i've driven past he i think he

lives like three blocks away from me sometimes i I've driven past and I've seen him walking down the street and I'm like, oh, yeah, I know that guy. That's one of my high school teachers. Or like I've been on the other side of the street and he doesn't see me. And the other day I was walking with Margo and I walked right past him and I was like, well, this is it. I'm going to have to say hello. Hello, sir. Yeah. Good morning, Miss Bliss.

And I won't say his name, but I said, hello, Mr. Blank. And, you know, you must remember me. Yeah, you must remember. I mean, I've changed a bit, but I'm, wait till you say my name. Will you hear my name? I'm Dave Sh've changed a bit. But I'm... Wait till you say my name. Wait till you hear my name. I'm Dave Shumka. Yeah. I used to have a slingshot in my pocket.

I was a real scamp. Right around grade nine, you would have seen me with a West Beach hoodie on with the strings being sucked into my mouth 24 hours a day and chewed on. And I was super... I felt super nervous, like talking to my high school teacher. And the one thing I was not prepared for was that he would not remember me. Oh, wow. So did he just completely?

He was polite about it. He did the whole like, oh, yeah, I think I remember you. Oh, wow. Oh, no. I was going out of my way to be nice to him. Right. But bring some sunshine into his poor life by saying, hey, remember me, the star of school? I had two different English teachers who I heard through the grapevine.

Each of them said, and you're not supposed to say this as a teacher, each of them said I was their favorite student. Oh, wow. Not this guy. No. Didn't leave a mark. He probably didn't recognize you. But the name.

The name. The name. Echoes through the ages. I'm Dave Shumka from Kitsilano High. Now, you both are born and raised here. Yeah. So is this the first time that you've run into an old teacher um yeah okay well do you run i have i have uh a spectacular ability to avoid like the noise just spot someone

i recognize three blocks away and oh i'm great yeah i'm so good so i've never like i've i've i've definitely seen some of my old teachers. Yeah. What are you going to talk about? I hated your teachers. Any teachers dead? I think that would be a good line of questioning. I did acid at school.

Did you really? Yes. What? Did anyone know? Probably. Oh, but you didn't get in trouble. No, I should have. She got an A plus in art class.

Someone sold me some acid. Come to think of it, it was just sprinkles. It was acid. What happened when you ran into the teacher you knew? It was just weird. They're like, oh, Jane. And they're like, I didn't like your sister. I'm like, oh.

I'm like, what about my brother? Yeah, he was okay. I'm like, and I was like, me? What about him? And they just laughed. It is, yeah, that was always a weird thing, even when you were in school, as they knew your older siblings.

Yes, and it's so weird, because you're, yeah, they're your siblings, but it doesn't mean you're identical. Do you know what I mean? They're like, yeah, I had your sister. She was a handful.

They were great. They were all like A students. Right. I was the one that they were like. But it's, because I left

my school years. Your hometown. And yeah, so I've never seen. That's great. They're all dead. Nothing to talk about. Most of them probably are dead because there were a lot of old teachers.

Except maybe when I was in elementary school. But when I was back in Calgary doing a stand-up weekend, I saw some of my old classmates and they had all run into old teachers. The weird thing is. It would freak me out. It would freak me out. It would freak me out. No, why? To run into an old teacher? They're not going to recognize you.

I don't know. I was a pretty weird kid. And also, they have no power. No, I know, but mentally they do. Yeah, they still do. Yeah, they totally do. My sister ran into a teacher I had when I was in grade three and was like, Stanton, are you Jane Stanton's sister? She's like, she was my favorite.

That's it. Not to me, to my sister. This teacher loves me. Oh, wow. But a lot of teachers hated me. Really? Oh, yeah. It's weird that because of all the asses you were doing.

Because parents aren't allowed to have favorites, but I guess teachers are. They totally are. And it's obvious. Like, it's so obvious who they love. Yeah, that's true. We're talking about parents, right? Well, I think it's also obvious who they hate. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I got suspended in cooking class because my friends were talking, but in my hair, the teacher's like, stop talking. I'm like, I'm not talking. It was my friends at the, you know, when you're in cooking class, you're at the table. And then my friend kept talking. She's like, get out. I'm like, I wasn't talking. She's like, get out.

I'm like, I'm not leaving. She was like, get out. And then she was around like 450 pounds, like the cooking teacher. So she was chasing me around the table and then she was around like 450 pounds, like the cooking teacher. And so she was chasing me around the table. And then everyone was laughing. And she grabbed me. And then we both fell. And everyone was like.

Someone put a record on. Oh, my God. And then I got suspended because I wouldn't leave. And I'm like, I wasn't talking. You got suspended. Wow. I never got suspended from an elective. Exactly.

Oh, boy. I didn't even think of it that way. Thank you. got suspended from an elective. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, boy. I didn't even think of it that way. Thanks, Dave. It's like, I mean, you get 80, your starting grade is 80% and it can only go up. I did still well. That was another, I didn't know. I'm a good cook.

My friends, when I wasn't looking, if I'd go grab something, making whatever, muffins, they'd switch my food with their fucking food. Because a couple times I'm like, why didn't they rise? And they're like, maybe he didn't put something in it. Didn't put enough oregano. More oregano. It'd be lumpy, the sauces. They'd switch the sauce.

Wow. Wow. That's advanced. That's advanced trickery. We didn't have to take everything. I could only take you could either take an art or a practical thing. Oh yeah. Art thing.

We had art and cooking. In junior high you had to take, for the first year you had to take half a year home ec, half a year shop. And then the next year you had to pick one or the other. I should have stuck with home ec half a year shop and then the next you had to pick one or the other i should have stuck with home ec i picked shop because my friend shane was like let's do shop and i was like all right you make a spice rack a day now but you have no spices to put in it oh

henry stuff that in shop class i made a you we did wood burning, right? Yeah. That's not shop class. That's a campfire. Everybody was doing, you know, like a nature scene or whatever. Okay. And I did like the far side, one of the far side women, you know, with the crazy bodies. And I wrote the name of the teacher was Mr. McDonald And I said, after the surgery, Mr. McDonald was never the same And he gave me an F and said, redo the project

And then I redid the exact same project again Another F I never got an F Yeah, anything He said, this does not pass And then I redid it Why would you do that? It's still hanging in my parents' bathroom at home.

You should have done Home Act because you got free food. If you didn't bring lunch, whatever you made, you got to have. It was the best. But there was two streams of Home Act because there were the kids that worked in the cafeteria. No, we never had that. That was in high school. There was a weird bunch of kids that fixed cars. And then there was a weird bunch of kids.

That's true. I remember them. And there was a weird bunch of kids that fixed cars and then there was a weird bunch of kids that's true I remember them and then there was a weird bunch of kids that worked in the cafeteria we had special needs people work in the cafeteria that was like their

job that was their job yeah we only had CAF staff really? we had there was one CAF staff to keep an eye

making sure the kids weren't stealing copious amounts of oregano who are these kids? I only did it once. Were these kids that went to youth detention or something? No, no, no. It was just.

It was for credit. Yeah, you would do this. There was like home ec, and then there was a stream of home ec where that was what you did. You prepared the cafeteria lunches. Did your school do that too? No, we just had calf staff. I just said it. You prepared the cafeteria lunches. Did your school do that too? No, we just had CAF staff. I just said it.

I even made that fun rhyme. Then there was a group of kids that would, you as a private city, you could give your car to the school and they would fix it up. Oh, that would be good. Well, I mean, if you got six months to, I don't need this car

back for six months yeah everyone working on this car hasn't learned how to work on a car yet so uh yeah don't do any wood burning anywhere around the car uh what's going on with you graham i uh this past weekend um i work on a show the The Debaters, right? On CBC Radio 1. And one of the staff is a janitor. Yeah, I work, I'm one of the cafeteria staff. Well, you're a janitor, and sometimes they leave a debate on the chalkboard. Yeah. And you go and solve it.

And at the end of every show, I sweep up a spotlight. It's a thing that I do. But one of the staff is moving, going away to Montreal. So had a going away barbecue at her house. And so I went out there with past guest, Charlie Demers, and his wife and his daughter. And this place, because Anna is her name, doesn't have any kids. So the house was hilariously not kid-proof.

Okay. Like, spectacularly. Like, I don't think I've ever seen somewhere with more hazards for kids. Was Georgie the only kid there? She was the only kid there, and boy, did she find every... It was... You found our Rottweilers.

You found all of our knife art. Our knee-height knife art. Have you ever seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Hoof? Who Framed Roger Rabbit? It was Hoof. It's right in the title. There's a cartoon at the very beginning where roger rabbit's like stopping this baby from falling into the the thing of

knives and falling into a thing of fire that was charlie the whole afternoon just watching his daughter joji walk over to a ledge and nearly fall off and him just grabbing her uh it was i but then i i thought about it and i was like oh yeah i guess if you just didn't you would never why why we've like we've only baby proofed kind of as needed like you're baby proof as you go yeah and if you never had to then yeah yeah so just i mean uh yeah there was this uh that was hilarious and then uh and it's been a long time since i've been to like a backyard barbecue i feel like i do one a year oh wow that's early yeah i feel like this is my year's done yeah well that's good yeah time it's only gonna get hotter that's true right it was i feel like this is my year's done yeah well that's good yeah time it's

only gonna get hotter that's true right i think i did good work yeah while it was you know you better retire at the top of your game barbecue yeah i'm gonna hang up my tongs um but uh on the way out uh because she's moving she she had tables and boxes full of stuff. Just free odds and ends. And so on the... You love odds. Not so much ends. Yeah, more odds. So on the way out,

I looked in one of the boxes, and she had... I don't know where she got it from. Her husband had acquired this at some point. But a very, very old prosthetic leg. Like before they used metal in prosthetic leg, like a wooden prosthetic leg that for some reason had a sock on it. Well, to go in the shoe. Yeah, absolutely.

To prevent the, you know, odor. Why did her husband have it though? She said that that was something that he had had for a long time it was not going with them to their new house so i said can i please have this please please may i have this for aesthetic leg please please please please i'll be i promise i'll be a good boy i promise i'll feed it and take care of it i'll shellac it once a month and uh yeah she said yeah enjoy and then uh i feel like charlie was not thrilled that i was bringing this i put it in charlie's trunk immediately forgot about it

it's haunted and it has kicked him in the head every night but he found it the next day and let one of the neighbor kids make a movie with it so everybody wins yeah yeah i've heard of this movie yeah uh one of the neighbor kids little marty scorsese he made a movie called the leg uh so yeah anyways i i it was a fun have you gotten it back yet nope uh you know what and i'm just glad that it got used in some kids movie. Sure. You don't even want it back. If it comes back to me, it was meant to be. I was going to get you.

Yeah. What if like it comes back to you in some weird cursed way where you lose a leg? Yeah. Kicked in the face by a prosthetic leg. Every time you say prosthetic, I think you're going to say prostitute. Prostitute's leg? Kicked in the face by a prostitute.

But yeah, it was fun to do. I feel like my one barbecue of the year. And also to acquire. Because at the last place I lived at in this house, there was also a prosthetic leg at the house. I thought you were going to say prostitute. Who was living in the house. And she paid her share at the house. I thought you were going to say prostitute. Who was living in the house. And she paid her share of the rent. Oscar Pastore.

No, there was a whole, because it was a senior guy had lived there and he was moving out. So in the basement, in the closet, was filled with old wooden crutches and a wheelchair and this prosthetic leg. Was he one-legged? I think he was he one-legged i think his mother oh okay so then i turned the prosthetic leg into a prosthetic lamp no i put flower dried flowers in it and prosthetic vase so it was yeah it was a prosthetic vase and uh we used they used to do uh we used to have a wheelie fights in the living room. So don't tell me I don't know how to enjoy life.

Oh, I remember that wheelchair. Yeah. We still have it. We kept it and moved it to the new house. What were you going to do with the leg, this new leg? I was going to give it away at the laugh gallery. Oh, okay. The sock really makes it.

I can't describe because it's an old man sock too. You know, the ones that are kind of, they've lost their elasticity and they're kind of falling down a little bit. Yeah. Old man sock. Well, you, I mean, is it the dimensions of a regular calf? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a good calf. Good leg. I walked it up the driveway. Joji thought that was hilarious. Good leg. I walked it up the driveway. Joji thought that was hilarious. Good leg. Oh, yeah. Check out the gams on that tree.

Check out the limbs on her. Yeah, those legs go all the way up to the branches. Oh, boy. Do we want to move on to some overheards? Yeah. It's time for a little bit of business and some information about live shows. People in Toronto and Edmonton and Victoria want to stay tuned.

We haven't forgot about you. But this episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself is brought to you by Blue Apron. Now, not all ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high-quality ingredients taste better and are better for you. This is just true. That's just good knowledge. So it's important to know

where your food comes from. And in the case of Blue Apron, it comes from the mail. Yeah, yeah. And who do you trust more than your mail carrier? Nobody. No. That's why I've made it my will to my mail carrier. But he's going to get your stamp collection?

He or she. Oh, you don't even know. No, I don't know. I've never met my mail carrier. What Blue Apron is, is, well, look, it's tough shopping for food. Knowing what you're even going to make. Oh, boy. Spaghetti, I guess.

What do you got? I mean, that would be great. Yeah. Can we get some spaghetti over here, please? Ding, ding. But what are you going to? Go through magazines and cut out recipes? Yeah, and then show them to your hairstylist.

I want to look like this veal. Now, this is the thing. I have no idea how much a meal costs when I make it. You know, when you factor in the ingredients plus my sweat equity. And plus your impulse buys. This isn't going in the meal, but I just needed this little scroll of horoscopes. Yeah, I've got several yo-yos. I've got several yo-yos. So this comes for under $10 a meal, which I don't think if you went to a restaurant, you couldn't get that.

No. Not a good restaurant. Yeah, that's true. I've been to restaurants where you can get it under $10. Oh, boy. Where are they cutting corners, you ask? But these are seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. It's healthier because you know where all the food's coming from.

You're cooking it yourself. And it just comes right to your door. So if you're, you know, if you don't want to leave your house, say, you know, when you're really cozy, you've got a nice cozy outfit on, you're like, I don't want to change to go out to the grocery store.

I want the grocery store to come to store. You just want to have. I want the grocery store to come to me. Yeah. Ingredient by ingredient. Blue Apron has the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers, family run farms, fisheries, and ranchers. Whether it's Japanese ramen noodles, wild caught Alaskan salmon, or heirloom tomatoes, tomatoes that have been handed down for generations. Blue Apron is bringing you the best.

There's always a variety. It's flexible. You can customize your recipes each week. Based on your preferences. And some meals available in June include creamy shrimp fettuccine with sautéed green beans and spinach. Sautéed? Yeah. Well, that's when you fry and spinach. Sauteed? Yeah.

Well, that's when you fry something in butter, I think. Yeah. Sauteed. Okay. It's not a new word. No, I always heard it sauteed. Sauteed. Sweet chili chicken and Tinkerbell peppers.

Don't know what those are. Tiny. Friends with Peter Pan. Green beans and jasmine rice. Or. Oh, you cook them in a Peter Pan. Green beans and jasmine rice. Or. Oh, you cook them in a Peter Pan. Oh, right. Which you saute.

And spiced steak and tomato avocado salad. Avocado with creamy cone cabbage. Cone cabbage. And red onions. What? Now, if you're a listener, which you are. Yeah. You've made it this far.

What are you doing right now? Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash podcasting. That's blueapron.com slash podcasting. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Yeah. Now, also this week, we got a Jumbotron message. This message is from Schkapuglio to Samantha. Hey, Sam, I know you've been having a hard time lately,

so I thought I'd have your favorite podcasters, but they weren't available. I added that part. Favorite podcaster, say hi and let you know that you're a great friend and I'm glad to have you as one of mine. Thank you for always being there for me, like the show Friends. I hope you're having a

great Monday. Like Murphy Brown. Also, I won't spend more than $20 on your birthday present. P.S. Don't be mad. Like the magazine. Yeah. Also, obey Schcapuglio, destroy Mario. Yeah, the old adage. Handed down like an heirloom tomato.

Finally, we've got a message for our listeners in the cities of Edmonton, Victoria, and Toronto. First of all, in Toronto. I'm in the Fringe Festival right now. Graham is there right now doing two shows. Yeah, Instagram, which is a show just based on my Instagram account. And Ring-A-Ding-Dong Dandy, which is wrestling clips and myself and Ryan Beal cracking wise over top. And there's like seven shows of each or more. Yeah, something like that.

And for information on that, go to... torontofringe.com Also, we are going to be in Edmonton, Alberta on October 7th. The City of Angels. The City of Champions. Yep. As part of the Up and Downtown Festival, I think it's called. Yeah.

Get up in your downtown. Yeah. So it's going to be us and a bunch of OBGYNs. your downtown. Yeah. So it's going to be us and a bunch of OBGYNs. And then we're also in Victoria. Victoria, BC. On October 22nd.

We'll post ticket info for all of these things on the episode recap at MaximumFun.org. Graham! Yes! Do you want to get back to Overhears? I would love to. Hello, Internet. I'm Travis McElroy.

And I'm Teresa McElroy. She is my wife. And he's my husband. And it is our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast. Schmanners. It's extraordinary etiquette. For ordinary occasions. Teresa, let me ask you this.

Can you teach me how to write a thank you note? Yes, I can. How about tips to improve my table manners? I'll do my best. And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff? If anybody can, I can. But like, it's going to be funny, right? Of course, I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives. How could it not be funny? But also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts, right?

Yeah, when not to. But we'll still talk about it. Yes. Great. So come join us for our new hilarious show. No RSVP required. Coming to you soon every Friday on MaximumFun.org It's Schmanners! Manners, Schmanners.

Get it? I'm Bits. And I'm Teresa. And we host the podcast One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Parenthood. It turns out it is very difficult but we all get up every day and do it again.

It's like the sign says, if you're going through hell, keep going. So join us each week as we strive for less judging and more laughing. Find us on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts when your children aren't around. Overheard. Overheard is a segment in which we like to hear things out in the world, report them back here to you. We are the world's number one news source for Overheard. We're a hard copy.

We're a current affair. Yeah, exactly. We're inside edition. We always like to start with the guest. Jane, if you would. I have two. Okay. Do you want to go two in a row?

Do you want to go first and last? First and last. Okay. Bookends. This was just two days ago when it was really hot. In Starbucks, this guy behind me, I thought he was joking when people order this, like the specific temperature of what they want. Oh, yeah. But it was hot chocolate.

So hot. 190 degrees. But it was hot chocolate. So hot. 190 degrees. 190? Woo! Celsius or Fahrenheit? Whatever it is in this country. I don't do science. And no whip and no sauce.

And I was like, does he mean like the chocolate sauce? And he's like, for kids. And he's like, we can't do it that hot anyway for kids well he's like we can't do it that hot anyway for kids he's like i've gotten it before she's like i can't give you it that hot for kids well then it's for me yeah yeah but yeah why he didn't say that or you do the thing that i always did when people are like make it extra hot i just make it the regular temperature be like extra hot and they don't know the difference i think think he did. He had a temperature. No, he didn't.

He had a meat thermometer. But what a dick. Yeah. Like, he wouldn't not let them. It's for my kids. I'm punishing them. I want them to get burnt. No whip.

I want them to enjoy it. Yeah. I got plenty of whips at home for them. Pick a switch, Junior. Why are you giving them hot chocolate? So it's just hot, hot milk? No, no, but. No, because they'll do the hot chocolate.

Yeah. And then they'll put a whipped cream on top. And then a chocolate sauce. Oh, and then like a drizzle. Yeah, but why are you doing it in 28 degree heat? I'm looking at it because we are complaining about the heat like it's in Fahrenheit, you know, 140. It's probably 80. It doesn't, but who's getting hot chocolate?

It's that hot. Yeah, that's true. Also. What were you getting? Ice, Frappuccino. Okay. I always like if I'm at a coffee shop and I find somebody who gets with the whipped cream and stuff at, you know, it's 930 in the morning. And you're basically eating a sundae to start your day.

I don't know why I can't lose weight. Dairy Queen's not open yet. That's true. This is my holdover until Dairy Queen's open. Then I drink there all day. Yeah. Give me another. My lady just left me.

Need another one of your moo lattes. And a Mr. Misty. Guys. What's a Mr. Misty? A Mr. Misty is like they're sort of like a slush puppy. Oh, okay. I don't think they have them anymore. Maybe they do.

Mr. Misty. That's a great name i thought you just made it up that was oh that would be it sounds like a great name for an 80s synth band well there was mr mister yeah and then opening for them mr misty served in a dennis the menace cup oh boy that is still one of my favorite all-time cross promos. Yeah, because it was, and we've mentioned it on the show, oh, every third episode. But it wasn't to promote a Dennis the Menace movie or something current. It was just Dennis the Menace forever on Dairy Queen.

Why was that? I don't know. No one knows. And then there was, I forgot all about this Until recently That To In the

Maybe the 90s Early 2000s Burger King Had a thing called The Burger King Kids Club Yeah where it's cool To be a kid

And there was like A gang of kids There was one in a wheelchair One was They were multicultural Yeah it was like Captain Planet And nobody

I think nobody liked them i don't think anybody was like let's check in on i love them all their adventures i had posters i had action figures i loved diego i loved sandra yeah and sandra really liked extra pickles. It was weirdly Sondra from the Cosby show. Eldon's wife. Oh, Eldon was a drip. If I recall correctly, was he kind of a suck up to Bill Huxtable? Yes.

Cliff Huxtable. Oh, sorry. Cliff Huxtable. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Speaking of shows where I don't recall laughing ever, the Cosby show, I remember just staring at it and being like,

I don't get what this is. I think I liked it. I like... I think I like... Oh, you know what? As a kid, I could tell Bill Cosby was a rapist. So I didn't laugh. Yeah.

Because I knew. Because you knew. But I don't remember... Anyways. It was kind of a bizarre sitcom because he was the only funny character. No. Yeah. Who else is funny?

Rudy's little fat friend. Cockroach had a couple lines. Yeah, and also, yeah, Theo's friend. It wasn't, though. Yeah, you were, like, supposed to like the show that was so popular. Yeah, but every other sitcom had a group of people that all had funny lines but on the cosby show he was the only funny one and everybody was just setting him up yeah in different ways yeah his wife was always someone someone would anger her yeah

she had they would wear the silkiest pajamas that's true Slide off the bed. Their bed looked so slippery. Because they had silk pajamas and then like nice silk sheets. Yeah. Hey, Graham. Yeah. You started wearing a satin jacket. Have we talked about this? Oh, yeah.

Past guest Kevin Banner gave me a satin jacket and I started wearing it on stage. I mean, I probably will take a break over the summer because it's so hot. Yeah, you can't do that in the summer. But I really love it. So what about it? I like the way it shines. Does it have any detail on it? Yeah, this jacket, it's a Japanese steakhouse, and they've...

It's not a type of restaurant. Apparently it is. And it's like a Cambodian steakhouse, I guess. I don't know. And it's the place is called Ribera, and they give these jackets to professional wrestlers. And they give these jackets to professional wrestlers. So if you're a professional wrestler and you visit this steakhouse in Japan, because professional wrestling is huge in Japan. Oh, yeah.

They will give you one of these jackets. Professional wrestlers are considered gods in Shintoism. And satin jackets are considered the only garment suitable for a god. It's polite to slurp. Yeah yeah there yeah it's considered a compliment uh burping what was the yes there was i remember burping squirting yeah yeah some culture squirting after a meal i do it always it doesn't matter my mom like, the carpets were clay. Dave, do you have an overheard? Yeah.

Mine's an overseen. And I'm not sure if this is anything, but it just made me laugh because I was driving past high school. And it's the time of year, end of school. Fun. And they had the sign up for like, you know, announcements. Yeah. With the replaceable letters.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Somebody had. No. I'm not sure this is anything but uh they just had the sign up saying that on whatever may 28th i guess it was in the past so june 28th fine whatever uh there will be the school leaving ceremony so i either i thought like either they ran out of the

right letters for graduation or the person couldn't, just couldn't quite pull the word. It's like, I know that there's a. There's leaving school, but it's not a leaving school. It's a school leaving ceremony. As we go on. It was called the school. Well, leaving school. Yeah.

It was called the school. Well, leaving school. Yeah. Unless it's just like for kids or, you know, if it's for GEDs. Like, yeah, I guess you graduate. You got to leave now. Yeah. Or, yeah, that's for kids who've been asked to leave. Yeah.

But you still get to throw your motorboat in the air. Your motorboat. I think that's what it is. Pretty close. Yourself? Yeah, mine is an overhead. I have found this more in the past couple weeks. But people having conversations on their phone where maybe I'm sitting down on the bus.

And they're talking forward so it's like they're talking right into my head. the bus and they're talking forward so it's like they're talking right into my head so this uh a young guy having a most of it he had it was having a conversation where he would drift in and out of english so it would be uh punjabi and then some then a couple english words so i was like okay there's something for me to grasp onto here and then it would slip back into Punjabi and so he there was a long string of Punjabi and then just the phrase well I prefer 24-7 and then back

into Punjabi so I don't know I don't know. Do you like round the clock or what's your favorite colloquialism for all day and all night? Yeah. Have you noticed an uptick in people having conversations? Loudly.

Loud phone conversations. Yeah. Like holding a speakerphone in public. Headphones. What are you doing? Yeah. speaker thing your phone in public why why headphones what are you doing yeah also i've noticed a lot of people doing uh like a facetime on uh you know in a place where it's like uh i don't think you need to be showing off that you're in a food court like that's not but i don't know

why or a starbucks yeah yeah why is that good like why is that good to see somebody the future yeah it is the future um i was gonna say when you were talking about your hot chocolate before i drank coffee and like you know my 20 something friends would hang out in a coffee shop i didn't know what to get and i would get a hot chocolate yeah and it was never good shop. I didn't know what to get and I would get a hot chocolate. Yeah. And it was never good. No. But do you feel like it's good now? No, I can make a

better hot chocolate out of quick and milk and a microwave. That was in my face. Jane, have it now. You want some quick? I'd love some. With gluten in it? Jane, do you have a secondary overheard? Oh yeah, right. I was out for breakfast.

That's an important meal. It is. And there was a couple beside me. And I'm shopping for a car, so it's, like, just the worst. And they started talking that they were selling a car. And I was like, oh, maybe this is, like, a sign or something. Yeah, this is meant to be. And then every time I see a car now that says, like, for sale, I think of an overheard you did years ago that was the funniest one that then they put, like, sold.

Like, just like. They kept it up there like they're a real estate agent? Every time now I'm like, that is the weirdest thing. So I'm sitting there and they're like, I'm about to talk to, like, what type of car? And then I realize I don't want to talk to these people. He's like, if we don't, like, did the guy buy the car? And she's like, no, obviously, because we still have the car. He's like, what are we going to do for rent?

And I'm like, they have to sell the car. So they have no money. But then they're out for breakfast. I'm like, what? So then that's adding up. And he's like, well, what? The bus passes? She's like, I don't know.

And I'm like, oh, my God. This is like the best and the saddest thing of the same thing. Why are you out for breakfast? Well, it's not the saddest thing of the same thing. Why are you out for breakfast? Well, it's not the most expensive meal of the day. Yeah, but if you're selling your car to make rent, granted, these guys were like 20, 21. So they're just like, probably like, oh, we have enough money. And they're like, oh, wait a minute. We don't.

I forgot about all the bills. We have to pay for cable? I've never owned something that was sellable to get me out of Hawk. Anything. Yeah. Like, I've been in Hawk, but I've never had anything to sell to get me out of it. Wooden leg. Yeah, I got one.

Not anymore. No, Charlie. Yesterday, some junk people came to pick up our junk. Take to the junkyard. Yeah. Where's the junkyard. Yeah. And. Where's the junk?

Oh, it's over in that trunk. What are you going to do with all that junk? And we, like there was an old, you know, TV stand, just like boxes of stuff that we should have thrown out three times ago that when we moved. Right. But I found these sunglasses. I need those sunglasses. I was just like, I want those. I can probably retire off these.

These are Pierre Cardin's. Are they really? From the 1970s. Just let me try it on. Oh my God. I was like literally going to be like, I have to interrupt him. Yeah. These are going to look amazing on me. You won't be able to see through the dust.

They do look amazing. Oh, they do look really good on you. Yeah. What do you, what do you. Yeah. What's your opening offer? Hugs. Yeah. Let's all take a turn. Yeah, what's your opening offer? Hugs. Yeah, let's all take a turn.

Oh, they are very dusty. I didn't notice. Thank goodness. They work really good on Graham, too. Yeah, see? Oh, no. Jane's saying maybe not. I have this feature, too.

What is that? I don't know. Oh, to, like, hook on your ear? Yeah, but you can't wear them. Like, they don't fit your... Anyway. They're pretty cool. I took off my headphones and not my glasses.

Did you used to wear these? I don't know where I got them. They're pretty cool. I need them. Well, you can't have them for free. I would like them. This was the whole point of my bringing it up is that this is my... To make rent.

I need them to sell me. No! How much much how much do you want for these pierre cardin well i was looking on ebay yeah and stuff like this goes anywhere from ten dollars yeah to like 250 oh geez but i don't see those 250 dollar ones selling yeah what do you think what do What do you think? We're not making a deal. I want to make a deal. I'm not sure they belong to me. They belong to me. I love giant sunglasses. They'd look good on you. Come on.

It's my birthday soon. You have a pair right here. They're horrible. Look how dirty they are. Well, look, you're not going to, if that's how you treat sunglasses, you don't deserve these. I do deserve them. Graham, is that all the overhands? No, no, sir.

We got one sent in to us by people around the world. If you want to send them in to us, send them in to sby at maximumfun.org. Is that another pair of glasses? Or are those the same ones? These are mine. What are those? Yeah, what are those? Why do you have sunglasses everywhere? Oh, these that another pair of glasses? Or are those the same ones? These are mine. What are those? Yeah, what are those? Why do you have sunglasses everywhere?

Oh, these are another pair I saved. I don't want those. Graham can have those. I'd like the other ones. Those are pretty cool. I think I'd look good in them. Yeah, they're not for sale either. Well, how much do you want for them?

Those you should have. They look great. Great. Well, we'll see. I'll look in the mirror, and then I'll make Dave a firm offer. Now, this first overheard comes from Bree S. in Albany, New York. I hear lots of great overheards in my office. Today was my manager on the phone to a client.

So this is the manager is using Breeie in this bit of conversation so she's uh she's on the phone talking about brie and she says brie in my office is looking at that right now she's been doing it for years she's the best at it she'll add her comments to that spreadsheet spreadsheet and you can shove that up their asses. Oh man. I would like to graduate to the degree in business where you can tell people to shove it up their ass. Or just like to have the confidence to make comments on a spreadsheet that will then go up someone's ass. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Oh man, I'm so good at commenting on spreadsheets. You can shove it up your ass. Oh boy, once they see my comments, this town's going to need an enema of spreadsheets. This next one comes from Mike in New York City. New York City? This is an overseen. This is a store that was open in my neighborhood for a few months. It has been shuttered with this awning still up for at least four years, which sometimes happens.

A business will go out of business, but the awning stays there. I can't help thinking they can't find a new tenant because the awning is weird and creepy. And the name of the business is i want a breast pump it's a very limited uh customer base i mean a dedicated one but limited yeah well sure but they're also available at other stores for instance every store well not every store but like yeah i can't get one at home hardware you can get them at baby stores you can get them at walmart could i could i get them at uh a winner's something like that oh sure like probably yeah probably um i also like when a

new store moves in but doesn't that doesn't put in a new awning, just covers up the old awning and you can still see. Yeah. On a sunny day you can definitely see the better job. What if it's a rainy day and you can still totally see it? Yeah. No, it's yeah, it's, what do you call that?

Cheap? Yeah, it is cheap. It's a penny smart, pound foolish. this last one comes from john in los angeles was walking across campus at ucla when i passed two young women throwing a frisbee they seemed to be talking about a boy one of them had met at a party as she said his name is daniel but his frisbee name is i can't remember his frisbee name but and then i walked out of here unfortunately what's your frisbee name duke ellington oh sure what's your frisbee yeah Yeah. I hate Frisbee, Ultimate, everything about it. But if I had one, it'd be Lady Valerie. Do you think your Lady Valerie showed up today?

Yeah. You hate the sun. You hate the heat. You hate the summer. But you don't participate in Spartan runs, but you're a team member. You're a booster. Booster. Have you ever been on an Ultimate team?

I feel like the answer is yes. No. What? I was soccer, remember. We made fun of Ultimate. Always. Did I ever tell you that I was on a plane with a whole Ultimate Frisbee team? And the one guy realized on the plane that he forgot

his discs? No! Turn it around! Yeah, it's like, what did you need to bring? The discs! But there will be discs at the tournament. No, but it's... These are practice discs. They're illegal discs.

Oh, yeah, they're going to deflate gate some discs. Yeah, especially weighted discs, sanded down discs. It's just a stupid sport. There's no refs. It is pretty stupid. There's no refs. Mark my words, before the three of us are dead, Frisbee will be in Olympics. Well, then I'll kill myself. Mark my words before the three of us are dead, Frisbee will be in Olympics. Well, then I'll kill myself.

Mark my words. Done. I'm already doing it when I'm 72 because I can't afford living in an old folks home. Mass suicide. Dave, you're with us. We're not the same age. Dave, we're all killing ourselves when Jane is 72. That's the deal we struck. Even my niece when Jane is 72. That's the deal we struck.

Even my niece when I'm 72. Everybody's going to come with it. Everyone. Oh, boy. Hard deal. Well, I mean, yeah, she's not wrong. Yeah. Oh, there's no way.

Do we have to kill ourselves if Frisbee becomes an Olympiclympic sport as well yes before you're 72 no we don't we'll just let it go yeah okay i feel like because they're bringing they're gonna do that for the olympics because they got rid of synchronized swimming so they need something weird did they get rid of synchronized swimming it's not it hasn't been in olympics for a while. What? Yeah. What have I been masturbating to? Those old movies where they had it? You're like, Michael Phelps is a great swimmer.

What's that? I just saw these women with javelins. I assume that's what that... Hey, guys. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept

your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-SPY-POD1. I'm going to learn what the numbers are one day. Nah. That is one ugh, spy pod one. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Tom from Newcastle in Australia. I was sitting on the balcony doing some study and I heard some school kids walk past and

one of them goes, I don't know what donuts smell like. And the other one just turns and looks at them and goes, you don't know what donuts smell like? Yeah. I only played that one because I've never heard someone with a worse Australian accent than me. I only played that one because I've never heard someone with a worse Australian accent than me. I've never heard of Newcastle, Australia.

Yeah, of course. Of course what? Yeah, we're going to Newcastle. You smell of donuts? You know it? Do you know it? Why are you going to Mrs. Doubtfire? Also, I guess maybe if you never had a donut, you'd never smell a donut.

I don't think that I could pick out the smell of a donut from any other baked good. Yeah, you could. Do you think? Grease. I don't know. Grease. Yeah, I guess. Are all donuts deep fried? Yes.

They're good ones. Yeah. You're eating a bagel if it's not. But like at Tim Hortons, they're not deep fried. Yes, they are. Really? They were deep fried when they were cooked six weeks ago. Six months ago.

But then they're frozen and then just like reheated. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like thawed. They're not reheated. Like a Big Mac. Is that? Yeah. No, like thawed. They're not reheated. Like a Big Mac. Is that? Yeah.

Reheated. A Big Mac is at least made fresh. Yeah. Guys, Big Macs are good. What am I going to bet for Big Macs? You know, I was having a discussion today with Aaron Reid that Mayor McCheese was a hamburger, but then the cop hamburger, he was a Big Mac. Anyway. Was he?

Yeah. Okay. Was this a two-way conversation or was he just kind of nodding like, okay. No, he was like, that was a Big Mac. We were just trying to figure out, we were trying to name all the different characters. Okay. Big Mac Man. Yeah.

Big Mac. Constable Big Mac. Did he have a name? Yeah. Constable Big Mac. Was it? Yeah. Was it? I thought you were just making it up. No. Yeah. Big Mac. Constable Big Mac. Did he have a name? Yeah. Constable Big Mac. Was it? Yeah. Was it?

I thought you were just making it up. No. No. Mayor Mac Cheese. Yeah. Robble Hamburglar. Yeah. Robble the Hot Dogler.

The Hot Garbage Ler. Why did they never get hot dogs at McDonald's? They had them. They started out with hot dogs. They had hamburgers and hot dogs. They had hamburgers and hot dogs. They're rid of them. Who did? Ray Kroc, meaning get rid of them. Who did?

Ray Kroc. The guy who basically made McDonald's. Why did he get rid of them, though? They were gross. Yeah. Like the McRib. Whoa, whoa, Jane. Let's not say things we can't take back.

Do you know what I had recently? Around fucking St. Paddy's Day? The milkshake? The Sambar shake? Thought it was, oh, this is going to be great. It sucks shit. Memories down the toilet.

Yeah, I haven't had one since I was a kid. Don't. I don't think. Don't. And Bertie and the Fry Guys. Here's your next phone call. And Grimace.

Hi, this is Alex from Indiana. So I was waiting in line at Starbucks, and this woman was talking on the phone kind of behind me, and here's just her side of the conversation. This isn't overheard, by the way. Don't you think it would be gross to be a podiatrist? I mean, you have to deal with feet all day. Ah.

Ah. What's that? There are butthole doctors? Thanks. Yeah, they're called poo doctors. Bum bum doctor. There was also a crazy scientist. He was another one of the

McDonald characters. I was gonna say that the butthole doctors were across between the butthole servers and the spin doctors. Oh, see, that would have been... I feel like that was a Mad Magazine gag where it was two bands touring together. What the tour would be called? That would have been a good one. Yeah, it would have been a good one.

Let's write Mad Magazine in 1992. Yeah, being... I've always wondered when you're're a doctor like that what makes you pick a thing yeah to be a foot doctor or even like a dentist i could see what why you would be a dentist because why because you can make bank so much money all my dentist does hygienist cleans the teeth comes in in, looking good. He's talking about my teeth. He leaves.

Which are covered in tartar that had come off your teeth. Looking good. That's how they can tell how clean your teeth are. That's how much plaque ends up on your shirt. He doesn't do anything. No, there's a consultant. Yeah, there's a consult with

them they come in at the beginning in the end maybe not even at the beginning no he's in and out like yeah and i feel like one time it's though some comedian had used to have a joke about getting the x-rays and about how the assistant goes in another room to press the button, and it's like, well, why am I in the room then? Well, the assistant's not wearing a... A lead bib? A lead bib. Yeah, but I'm not wearing a lead helmet.

I had to wear a lead bib every time Margo got her x-rays for a broken leg, which was three lead bibs. Oh, I didn't even think about that. Did she have to wear a little lead bib? No, that's weird, right? Yeah. Oh, but they did put a about that. Did she have to wear a little lead bib? No, that's weird, right? Yeah. Oh, but they did put a little lead thing over her crotch. Like a lead cup?

Well, it was like a triangle. Yeah, I guess. For her, you know, baby ovaries. Yeah. I mean, I guess you don't want to monkey around with anything at the tender age. You don't want to be sending with anything at the tender age. You don't want to be sending zaps into the human body. I'm no scientist, but I don't want no zaps. Oh, man.

But you know they put this giant cannon next to your head? And then your mouth? And then they just fuck off. And you just hear this. Have you ever had to redo it? That was blurry I'm like, I wasn't blurry I wasn't moving

Were you talking on the phone? Hey, on speaker Cell phone, it's going to give you brain cancer Anyway, here's another Yeah, don't worry This is the safest thing for you Let me just go into another part of the office Like I got it wrong on the family feed.

Three strikes and turkey. Here's your final overheard of 2016. Hey, Dave, Graham, and possible guests. This is Carrie in New York. I'm calling you over an overseen. I was walking in the park and I saw this group of three sort of 10-year-old boys pulling a couple branches off of a tree and I didn't see them for a while and then later they locked it to me while I was walking home and they held up the branches

and asked if I would like to stand in the shade for five minutes. These branches didn't have a lot of leaves on them. They would not have provided any shade whatsoever. And I said, no thanks. And they said, it's free. And then they said, it's free for five minutes. After five minutes, it's $2.

free for five minutes. After five minutes, it's $2. $2 to stand under a tree limb being held by a 10-year-old boy. Oh, boy. If anything, they are undercharging. Oh, my God. I would have done it. I would have done it for five minutes and then said, I'm not interested.

Not me. I'd be like, here's $10. Not me. I'd be like, here's ten dollars. Get standing. Yeah. I have tears. That's the funniest thing ever. Oh, man. But also not very well thought through because there's trees everywhere. Listen up, boys. We're gonna start

a monopoly on the mobile shade market. Oh, I love those kids. Can you walk with me? No, you have to stand still. And you know if you gave them $2 after like 30 seconds, they'd be like, I'm tired.

If they make it to five minutes, if you make it to the paywall. They're not making it to five minutes. There's no way. They'll pay for it. $4.59, you just leave. Nah, nah. I'm going to go.

Oh, man. It never occurred to me as a kid. Oh, well, there's a reason. Dumb. Shade is everywhere. Sell lemonade as a child. That's all you do. Yeah, but it's just so, like, it's like, of course, that's what a kid would come up with.

It seems like something you would say about a good salesman. He could sell shade to a, I don't know, somebody who can readily find their own shade. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, that brings us to the end of the episode. Jane, do you have anything you would like to plug? This is coming out the 27th. 27th of June.

You got a birthday coming up. I have a birthday and Dave's going to give me the sunglasses. Happy birthday sunglasses. Yay.

Anything coming up? No. No? Zero. July, nothing on the calendar? Nothing. August?

Water sliding. I don't know. Oh yeah, our final water slide. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be a real stand-by me moment. I'm't know. Oh, yeah. Our final water slide. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be a real standby B moment. I'm going to break my gut. What?

Is he a dead body in the water slide? I'm going to get a leech on my dick. I thought you said leech. You go to the water park and they give you the standby B package. There's a dead body and here's a leech. Here's a leech. Put that on in the locker room. And then act shocked.

Oh, boy. Yeah, so I'll see you at the water park. Yep. And as of now, I'll be in Toronto at the Toronto Fringe Festival. Oh, so what is happening? I'm doing two shows. I am doing a solo show called Instagram that's based on my Instagram account. Okay.

And then I'm doing a show that's a Vancouver favorite, Ring-a-Ding-Dong Dandy. With Ryan Beal? With Ryan Beal at the Toronto Fringe. So you can get tickets at torontofringe.com buy tickets it's a small space they will sell

out I guarantee it how many shows I think there's seven of each so you know what

if you like things that are funny if you like fun if you want to get out of the sun

for an hour yeah oh and is it what is it is it the first five minutes free absolutely like things that are funny, if you like fun, if you want to get out of the sun for an hour. Yeah. Oh, and is it the first five minutes free? Absolutely. But then once, like you say, once you hit that paywall, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. And also, coming up this week will be, or next week, will be the episode 3 of our debut album

which the new podcast where me and Graham have one hour to write a hit song and this one is just back to me and Dave

again writing a song it's good it's very personal yeah but I like it it's really really

really kicky we're talented if you like the show head over to MaximumFun.org check out the blog recap pictures and videos related to the content of this podcast. What?

Boy, oh boy. What did we talk? We talked about Stand By Me. I'm working backwards now. I'm like, do we talk about anything? We talked about a lot of like. Oh, Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, sure.

Yeah. We're not going to have pictures and videos of Jane's childhood home. Just door listed. Funky Cole Medina. Oh, that's right, yes. Maybe a band playing at a teenage party. Sure, that Sum 41 video. Really?

Maybe, what was the other one? Just take some time. Oh, Jimmy Eat the World. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy Eat the World. Jimmy, go eat the world. Hey, yeah. Jimmy Eat the World. Jimmy, go eat the world. Yeah, Jimmy, do me a favor. Jimmy, go outside and eat the world.

Jimmy? Eat the world. Jimmy? Are you kidding? Jimmy, if I have to tell you one more time, you can't have any moon until you eat the world. And if you like the show, please do tell your friends

to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.