Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 434 - Christine Bortolin

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

Improviser Christine Bortolin returns to talk roommate rules, bugs, and the midnight sun.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 434 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who... Oh jeez, how do I describe this man? How will you describe my chambray shirts this week?

This is a chambray? Yup. I wasn't gonna go for the shirt. I was gonna go for your cool glasses. I like't going to go for the shirt. I was going to go for your cool glasses. I like these glasses with the... It's like the lens and the frame, same color. Clear. Clear.

Thanks. But they're not clear to pretend that you're not wearing glasses. No, no. They're evident. Yeah, yeah. They look good. Thanks. Dave Shumka.

Dave Shumka. Glasses owner. Oh, well, I have the floor. Yeah. I made a joke in last week's episode that implied that I know everything about podcasting and you know nothing. And I don't really know what I thought was funny about that. And I'm a frayed nerve these days.

And I wanted to apologize here in front of God and everyone. I value you. I treasure our friendship. I consider myself so lucky to have you as a partner in this endeavor. And yeah, so I apologize. Thank you. I love you, Dave. I love you too, Graham.

And our guest today. And while we're apologizing. Oh, I'm sorry that I, what did I do? You know what you did. Oh, God. Our guest today, very funny comedian and one of the members of Little Mountain Improv. And currently the holder of my favorite Facebook profile photo. Really, really good.

Miss Christine Borderland is our guest. Is it a bikini pic? Yeah. One of your pervy bikini pics? Yeah, she's at a car wash. She's wearing a bikini and she's wearing like the car's wearing a bikini too but you're also wearing like like this scary bunny mask with blood coming out of the mouth yeah oh yeah it was during the purge she did a car wash during the purge

which actually would be a good time to do a car wash. A lot of people running over people. Blood everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't care about the blood. But I would be so afraid of everything. Oh, yeah. But just to be out in public, like, okay, I'll wash the blood off your car. And, you know, it's $10.

Wait, you didn't pay me. And they just chopped your head off. I still don't. Have you seen The Purge? i haven't seen either purge nor have i seen this upcoming purge which i'm sure is out at the point of this oh purge election year yeah i think that's what's gonna decide the election it's gonna go down as the thing that tip the vote well the ads for it say it's something playing on trump's campaign slogan about making america great again yeah keep america purgy what's hillary's slogan oh she's she's always been anti-purge i know but what's her election slogan what is like what's her hat oh isn't it we doing, we're in this together. Sound leadership, solid advice.

It's. Here I am. Here I am, Hillary. Yeah. It is what it is. Yeah. Take it or leave it. Should we get to know us?

Okay. Get to know us. So, Christy. Mm-hmm. We were just talking just briefly before the podcast. You are moving in with a whole gaggle of comedians. Yeah, a lot of them. They're all comedians. There's no one person in the house that's not a...

No one person's a lawyer. That would be the worst. Guys, I gotta get up in the morning. No giggles. I'm putting this banana cream pie in the refrigerator. I put my name on it. Yeah, I'm moving in with a ton of them. And this is the most people you've ever lived with.

I've only had a roommate once, and that was Kayla Lorette. And we barely saw each other, and then she moved away. Yeah. And it was lovely Lorette. And then we barely saw each other and then she moved away. Yeah. And it was lovely living with her. I knew. There's not very many people that you can live with. Right.

But I've gone against that. You said you've only had one roommate. Yeah. But the last couple of months you've had roommates as well. Yes. I lived with Bita Jadaki for a short time.

Past guest. And so that was wonderful and then you've lived with Erin Reid yes i lived with beta jidaki for a short time yes and so that was wonderful and then you've lived with aaron reed and that was wonderful and are you worried that this is not going to be wonderful no i'm sure it'll be wonderful it's not i'm but beta and aaron are my best friends right right and this this crew is and i love everyone that i know and i know some people less but I'm sure they're great human beings. Are there any animals in this enclosure? No.

And I'm leaving, living with two dogs, which I will miss, but I'll get to see. So you're going from a animal heavy environment to no. None. No fish. Not even a fish. Yeah. We don't have any animals in the house I live in. And I, you notice it, you notice that, fish. Yeah, we don't have any animals in the house I live in. You notice it.

You notice that it's, I don't know, feels like an old folks home or something. The number one thing I need to get used to is that when I cook, I just throw stuff on the floor because I'm like, well, look at it. And now when I've been cooking at errands and stuff is on the floor and I don't think about it. And then I come back later and the floor is just littered with broccoli or like meat, other things that go bad. Who would leave meat? What dog would leave meat? I can see the broccoli maybe being a coin flip.

Yeah, maybe that was a toughie. But the meat, oh, so now I'm a slob, I realize, at cooking because I've gotten lazy. Or even if chips, if I'm eating chips and they fall on me, I'm like, nah, dog will lick that up. But it's not happening anymore. That's true. Do you do when you're dropping stuff for grandpa? Is that subconscious or? Yeah, it's sort of, we do even have like a foot tap.

We do. If something lands on the floor, you tap your foot and he comes right towards it. And he, he's also doing double duty. He's doing it for you and also for anything that Margo drops. Yeah. So he's doing alright. He's doing very well. Yeah. But it's I have the same thing.

The weird thing when he's not around, like if we ever have to put him in a prison, dog prison. Anytime that I'm like home alone and he's not home, it feels weird that like someone would knock on the door and the dog wouldn't freak out. Yes. Like what's going on? Because I usually, if I hear a knock at the door, there's an anxious feeling in my chest. Because I'm like, oh God, the dogs are going to bark.

And then everyone's going to, the building is going to hate hate me I'm getting kicked out but then nothing happens and somehow that's even sadder yeah it is that sort of like oh well I still have the anxious feeling in my chest yeah oh probably because because a murderer is coming up or probably because who has the nerve to knock on my door? Yeah, who not? Although I was visiting, I went to Calgary for my brother's wedding. And my parents live in Calgary. And like at least three times when I was there, neighbors just came over and knocked on the door and just had a conversation with either my mom or my dad. In the doorway or coming in? In the doorway.

Oh, wow. So one woman was going away on holiday, and she was just saying, hey, I know there's a wedding this weekend. If you need to use, like, my freezer or something like that, she's like, here's a key. I don't remember growing up in. Her freezer has a key? Hey, guys.

and then uh yeah and then there was another neighbor that just stopped by just for a just for a chat i don't remember growing up in that atmosphere i don't remember but maybe it was always like that that seems lovely but it also seems like there's something in me that's like no thank you but then i wonder if that makes me a bad person no i don't think it's fine yeah um my mother is is like everyone she meets is her best friend she like she'll stop on the street and have a chat and she'll point people out oh yeah that's uh so-and-so's mother you know so-and-so no i, I don't know anyone. I live on this side of the tracks, toots. But, yeah, like I just remember we would go to anywhere we would go would take forever to leave because she had to talk to everyone. That was like my grandfather.

He would talk to everybody. It didn't matter who it was. And he wouldn't talk to them at length, but he would always make conversation. And I just remember thinking, man, I don't understand how you do that. Like just talk to them at length, but he would always make conversation. And I was just remember thinking, man, I don't understand how you do that. Like just talk to a stranger. Hey, how's it going? Oh man, this, that Brexit or whatever would be the topic of the day. Oh, sure.

Yeah. As a dog owner walking your dog around the neighborhood, do you meet people or do you just meet their dogs? Oh, good question. Thank you. I'll hang up. Take my answer off the air i you know what i feel like you see the person that is with their dog and but you meet the dog like you don't know the person's name yeah like there's a couple dogs i know there's a couple dogs i know i know a lot of people in this area.

And so if they see the dog or me, I just assume that they're more excited to see the dog. Which is sad that I feel that way. But if they see me, then I kind of just say, I'll give them a hello. And then I'll just let them be alone with my dogs. I know that. It is sort of too much to carry on that many conversations, like me and you and the, you and the dog.

And especially if they have a baby, sometimes they're holding a baby and they're like, my baby loves dogs. And then they let the baby get close to, to Scotty can be a jumpy guy and loves to play and doesn't know what a baby is. Right. So I, I am trying to have a like a light

conversation and laugh and everything but at the same time i'm thinking like okay i gotta make sure he doesn't yeah there's a massacre a foot yeah just take it with him oh no and we have a rule if he can take it with him home in his mouth and it's his it's his. It's his, yeah. Oh, well. And he points to the charter every time. That's the rule. We had a rule. Now, because you guys bring dogs to a dog park where it's off leash and they're allowed to just run around and then you just kind of stand there. I can't do that with the Scotty. How come? He's just, it's really hard, hard, hard.

It's really hard. It's really hard. just it's really hard hard hard it's really hard just popping in some light accent it's tough because uh he's so independent and his instinct to kill is pretty high yeah that is the problem with independence So I think All you women Independent Commit a murder Please do not kill me

Yeah, my dog The problem is There's people who Don't believe in off-leash parks And they'll just have a picnic Right in the middle of a bunch of dogs Yeah, I've seen that At Trout Lake Where it's all off-leash.

Well, not anymore, but it would always be. There would be people sitting down and eating and giving you, like, a stink eye because your dog's walking up to their food, which is at dog level. Yeah. Yeah. And deliciously plated. Yeah. There were people that were getting wedding photos in like a white dress while there's

in the dog area. This is not going to end well for you, Vera Wang. That's so rude and unfair. Yeah. Come on. They don't have a lot. Yeah, exactly. People have everything.

Dogs have so little. have a lot yeah exactly people have everything dogs have so little it's uh but do you find when the dogs are off leash that you end up having to talk to just the owners or do you just stand there and like yeah podcast i'm listening to something i'll take an earbud out okay just in case as a show of good faith yeah but you know one's staying in so you don't have to talk to me i'm fine there's a couple people who want nothing to do with me and they will not even look at me or talk to me but they'll immediately go for the dog and talk to the dog oh really and give me nothing which usually i'm okay with yeah i'm not in the mood i. I feel Vancouver in particular is not a big, it's not a big people to people eye contact city.

Yeah. So I feel like maybe the person is trying to do you a service. Like I do want to talk to your dog, but I also want to respect you. I don't want to bother you. Yeah. Maybe, maybe that's it.

That's because I've done that. I've done that where I've looked at a person and then mostly just looked at the dog and then ignored the person because I'm like, we both know what this is about. Like running into an ex. Oh, yeah. How have you been?

Oh, yeah, you look good. But I really just want to talk to this hot dog. These dogs that you're friends with, do you see them this is an every week kind of occurrence or it's a rarity because i now don't live there you don't live in okay you're dog i don't yeah i'm dogless right now because they yeah there was a dog in the neighborhood i used to live in that i would see every day and then when i moved i realized oh yeah we're i'm not friends with that dog anymore it's like someone that you work with that you're friends with at work yeah and then when you leave

you're like i guess we're not friends anymore oh that's weird when you see somebody that you worked with yeah and that was the only context you had and then you see them not and you and when you stopped working you were like we'll keep in touch you never never did. But you know. Oh, yeah. I was just being nice. Yeah. The weird thing is we live two blocks from where we used to live, but there's a busy street in between those two blocks. So it's a whole nother set of dogs and they never cross over. No, you wouldn't cross that street with a dog. No.

No. No. You stay over here. No. I said no. Do you go to the same parks though? No. Whoa. You stay over here. No. I said no. Do you go to the same parks though? No. Whoa.

New parks. I don't know. He's old now. We barely go to parks. So new house, new rules. New rules. No pets. When they're explaining the rules to me.

New adventures of old Christine. Ah! Whoa! That's what you should do. I am old now. It's true. Gone to that point. Well, we all get there eventually.

Yeah. I guess you are always old. A moment after you're born, you're old. Yeah, you're dying. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Sad.

So what were the rules? They were giving you a rundown? They kept being like, well, are there any rules? The only rule is, you can just do whatever you want. Is there the new roommates? Yeah, which is a little confusing. Yeah, because you can't.

No, you certainly cannot. I certainly hope you can't right oh yeah yeah you could otherwise it's a purge house yeah because there are certain rules i guess that you don't have to say yes but then there's other rules things like is toilet paper shared is that something that we buy it's mustard shared yeah because in our house we've it's a full condiment whatever everything goes condiment wise unless it's like a really special yeah because you can't have six bottles of french's in there no i mean dare to dream right you got your holsters um but yeah there's you know again so condiments are shared and then but and toilet there's, you know, again, so condiments are shared and then, but,

and toilet paper's on a rotation. Whoa. So it's me, then this person, then this person. And some people prefer a nicer toilet paper.

Oh man, I buy, I buy top, top shelf. I do too. And then the other roommate buys stuff that I don't even think like,

you know, the military would use on experiments. I think that that's one place where you just spend a little bit more money. Just spend a little bit more. It'll make your day better. There's always one of them on special. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah, you're right. It makes your day better, but the savings that you get from buying cheaper toilet paper never add up. No. But there is a threshold because they now have three-ply toilet paper,

which is no better. Two-ply is all you need. Three-ply will just clog your toilet. What about four-ply? Oh boy, talk to me, buddy. I use it as a blanket. Four-ply is just paper towels. There's one, I mean,

I think it might even be the same commercial with the bears, with the gross poop bears. Excrement bears. Where do they, why do they, is it because of the expression

does a bear shit in the woods? That's why that commercial. That's why that, okay. Oh, that's an expression? Yeah. Wait.

It's sort of, no, it's sort of like, I've never heard that. It's sort of no it's sort of like i've never heard it's one of those like uh oh like there's a bear shit in the world yeah yeah is the pope catholic yeah you really never heard that i've never heard that before oh wow i don't know why i've heard it like it's not something my friends and i would say no but it's something i. I used to do a bit about it. But I would always answer questions with confusing answers like, can you recycle batteries at Safeway? Oh, maybe.

Anyway, it was a good bet. Are onion rings the same price as fries on your extra volume? Oh, member comedy. But they now have an ad where I think it might be the Bears.

It's something where someone touches the toilet paper and the toilet paper turns into purple velour.

Ooh. I suppose if I was really rich that's what I would use. And just have a new toilet installed every day.

Exactly. You have a new toilet installed every day. Exactly. You have a shredder. Yeah. Just using old track suits. Yeah. What we're currently going through right now, toilet paper wise, is Margo is, she's like a cat. Oh, she's discovered how fun that is.

Yeah, she'll just pull it down. And usually we, you know, close the bathroom door. Yeah. Just so she can't get in even when no one's in there. But then she got in and she just like pulled the whole thing apart.

And so now we're just picking away at a wad. Oh yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Like there's, I think also the other thing that's unspoken in a house full of

mixed people is the level of clothing required to transport from bedroom to bathroom to because you know what i mean like i think in the summertime a lot of guys will think that it's fine to walk around the shirt house without a shirt on. But I am like, no, that goes against the roommate. This is not the bachelor. Or bachelorette. So I, you know, because you've got to put on a house coat

if you're going to leave your room. But if they're like, no rules, who knows? If you are in a house coat, what's underneath? Leave a little something to the imagination. Yeah, I don't think they can tell you what are in a house coat, what's underneath? Oh, leave a little something to the imagination. Yeah. I don't think they can tell you what's underneath your house coat. Yeah, I will just put on just a house coat just to get.

I guess so. Go outside, get the newspaper, realize the door's locked behind me. A gust of wind comes along. Oh, no. Somebody who's taking a photo for the newspaper turns around. Well, I will get my own small bathroom. There's a very small bathroom. I have the smallest room, and it's across the kitchen.

Is it a shower and everything? I don't know. I don't know, but they've told me that I have the smallest room, but we all pay the same. So the guy who's been in there has been having a small, have this little small bathroom to himself. Which has never been cleaned. Yeah. Because of his responsibility.

So I'm hoping that I'll be able to take that. If you have your own bathroom, you're set. Yeah. I think that's 95% of the living with other people problem. Yeah. I mean, the kitchens can be a little hinky, but dishes, that's the other thing. Oh, I think there's a dishwasher. Oh, this is easy street.

You'll never leave. Yeah. This is going to be great. Yeah. It seems simple, but roommates can be- Oh, they can be awful. Yeah. Like a dishwasher, all you really need to do is, more than being a thing

to wash dishes, it's a place to put your dirty dishes. So they're not in the sink. Yeah. Dirty dishes. True. Stillerage.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because then it- Until it gets full. And then does the person who fills it, do you play that dangerous game of like,

well, I can still fit in one more teacup? It's not a chore to start the dishwasher. It's fun. It's a chore to put them away, I guess. Yes. That will be the question. That's not a chore to start the dishwasher. It's fun. It's a chore to put them away, I guess. Yes. That will be the question.

That's true, because then you can't fill it up again until they're all put away. And then the first dirty dish probably has to put the rest away. This is like a good podcast if you're listening and you've never, if you're still in high school and you're wondering what it's like to move out. Yeah, these are the things that you don't, I've never lived in a place since I left my parents' house that had a dishwasher. So. Well, no.

One time we did, but then there were mice getting in. So we sealed up that dishwasher because that's where they were getting in. Yeah, I know. But getting in from where? Through the pipe. Yeah. I don't know. What story were you on?

Ground floor. Ground floor. But you can seal it up in ways were you on? Ground floor. Ground floor. But you can seal it up in ways that you can still use it. Not that I know. You just filled the bottom of the dishwasher with cement. Not our problem. Do you use it as storage? No, we literally sealed it up with that polyfill stuff.

Because we knew this was going to be a teardown proposition. And it was. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I can't think of any of the other pitfalls. Yeah. Those are all the ones I can think of. There's, you know, loud lovemaking. Yeah. Which are all the ones I can think of. There's, you know, loud lovemaking.

Yeah. Which is the only way I know. It's all I know. I asked about that and one of them told me that they've all heard everybody doing it.

Wow. So there's a quality to that. Yeah. And a precedent. I have to immediately have sex when I get there.

And I have to make it loud enough that everyone can hear. You're in. Yeah. All you have to immediately have sex when I get there. And I have to make it loud enough that everyone can hear. You're in. All you have to do is just rent, you know, a basic instinct or something. Rank that up. Boom. There we go.

Yeah. Rent it. Come on, Greg. What year is this? I watched it on Netflix, Basic Instinct. I fast forwarded through it. Because it was something when I was 11 or 12, it was the hottest thing that as a young man turning into a younger man.

What? Yeah. You're the mysterious case of Benjamin Button. Yeah, mysterious. And it was like every guy wanted to see it, but we were way too young. But it was such a big part of pop culture. Oh, mysterious. And I, it was the, like, every guy wanted to see it, but we were way too young. But it was such a big part of pop culture. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And it's, I don't think that I've ever seen the full movie. Is it good? Ian, fast forward. Here's the plot. Do you want to know the plot? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've never seen it. Okay. Sharon Stone is a mystery writer.

Okay. Is this Murder, She Wrote? And it's Okay. Is this Murder, She Wrote? It's like a sexier Murder, She Wrote. How can it get sexier? You'll see. People, her lover dies in a way that was described in one of her books. And she's like, why would I kill someone in the way that I had already written? I'd have to be pretty stupid.

Here's this chick on my vagina. Whoa, and she just whips her vagina out? Yeah. Well, that's the most famous scene. That's the famous thing. Oh, is she in a chair? Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

I thought that that was a movie where she was an alien. No, you're thinking of species. Yeah, species. Same hairdo, I think. But different actress. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. of species yeah species same hairdo i think but different actress yeah yeah yeah yeah and is it

michael and michael douglas uh yeah michael clark duncan is in it oh as michael douglas there's a lot of sexy sexy sexes there's some just like you just see you're changing at one point that was unnecessary you're having sex like five times. What was the... There was some... There's some aggressive, like, sexy lesbian dancing. Oh, that's right. Does she... I thought that that was...

Is that the twist in it? That she's a lesbian? She's a little bit of everything. Okay. Again, fast forwarded through. Oh, the other thing was an ice pick. Yes. That's the other part. Whoa. She ties fast forward it through. Oh, the other thing was an ice pick. Yes. That's the other part.

Whoa. She ties up. Yes, there's. Michael Douglas? Michael Douglas. Well, she ties up a few people. And then.

Yeah, it's bondage-y. Yeah. And the ice pick is the murder implement. It's not just like a sex thing. Like, I'm putting it in your pee hole. Oh, that one hurts so much.

No, no. It's a cool sex thing. It's so cold. Well, it's been picking ice all day i don't just keep it in the drawer i'm not one of these fair weather ice pickers um yeah i can't believe i've never seen it i've seen another one that kind of, I think, came around the same time called Disclosure. Yeah. And that was also, that was Demi Moore. Oh. And Michael Douglas.

Yeah. So when I was younger. Based on the novel by Michael Crichton. Pushed by Michael Crichton. But yeah, that time he was the businessman who had sex with ladies. That was his career. In Basic Instinct, he was the businessman who had sex with ladies. That was his character. In Basic Instinct, he's a detective. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh. Huh. Oh, yeah, because he's interviewing her in the room when she doesn't have underwear. With Newman. Really? Yeah, Newman's there. Whoa.

Weird. He's in Jurassic Park, Basic Instinct. And Seinfeld. That's. That's. And. The sketch comedy show. The Rock from the Sun And that's their comedy show. The Edge? With Jennifer Aniston?

Seriously. Yeah, yeah. Wayne Knight. He's been around. Quite the resume. Don't scoff at the old Wayne-ster. Yeah. Was there any movie when you were growing up it was like it was just for

adults but you really really wanted to see it but even if you did get to see it you'd be like i don't really know what's going on oh eyes wide shut okay i wanted to see it and i thought it would they wear they wear masks and then they have a lot of sex in it. But then it got bad reviews, so I just didn't go for it. All right, because Stanley Kubrick died before it came out, so he didn't get Final Cut. That's a movie I watched in Fast Forward, because back in the video rental days, I had it, and then it was due back. And I was like, oh, I haven't watched it. So I just watched the whole thing and fast-forwarded. Did you slow down for anything?

Maybe. Ooh, Nicole Kidman in a chemisole. It was very, it's very hard to follow without the dialogue. I'm not sure what happens in it. Did they break up right after that? Yeah. Yeah, that was the last thing they Did together Then they consciously uncoupled

Tom Cruise and his famous Unconscious uncoupling He does it in his sleep He sleep breaks up Yeah, I sleep divorce It's him being asleep Do it again Oh yeah

That's pretty good What was the word you said before it's hard it's hard being asleep it's hard being asleep

yeah so and anything else exciting I just got back from Improvaganza in Edmonton in Edmonton I feel like this

gets talked about every year yeah it comes around this time not by me this is my first time going oh really

it's like an adult sex camp oh as opposed to a kid sex camp oh my uh oh yeah that was the movie

I wanted to see when I was a kid it was just a very like sexy atmosphere there and then there's lots of and everyone's really

funny and charming yeah it's really fun and the festival's lovely and it's lots of, and everyone's really funny and charming. Yeah. And it's really fun. And the festival's lovely and it's so well run. Yeah. It's incredibly well run and everyone's great.

You, go have sex. Yeah, they pair you up on the first day. You have 45 minutes. Then you need to be on stage. 45 minutes? Oh, what are we going to do the other 42 minutes? Make funny voices and jokes.

Because we were there last year, but we didn't get plugged into the sex camp scene speak for yourself no i actually was there maybe less than 24 hours maybe less than like 18 oh yeah and our hotel was overrun by women's soccer players because the Women's World Cup was on. Yeah. And they had no time for me. There was Rough Riders, like the team. Right. The Canadian football team. Not the people who hung out with DMX.

Not just Rough Riders. Sure. Then there was Bodybuilding. That was there last year. Yeah, that was there as well. Yeah, the bodybuilding guys. It's amazing. I was...

Now it's starting to sound like an adult sex game. Yeah, Rough Riders and bodybuilding. One person was on the elevator, and then I got on the elevator and said hello to them to try to break the tension of just being in an elevator with someone else. Yeah. I don't know how to talk to someone without a dog.

And then a bunch of their friends came in on another floor and they just were so tall and big that they didn't see me or that I existed or exist at all. And then they all had a conversation together and then I got off before them because I was going to the pool and then the doors opened and the one guy who saw me before was like have a great day and then from the back I was like

thank you I had to pass through everyone and they were like there's somebody else in here? There was a vermin a varmint I just slunk out on all fours what a cool sex camp.

So what, yeah, what, how long were you there? I was there Thursday to Sunday. And then we drove back. We drove, yeah, I flew there and we drove back. Wow. It was a long drive, but it was fun. It was a cool sex drive. Yeah.

Yeah. Sex drive. Yeah. Sex drive. What makes it a... So is it because it's just a bunch of people that all do the same thing? That have free hotel rooms? Yeah. Yeah. And it's like a really accepting atmosphere maybe.

And it's everyone's fun and funny. And like you're all there from all over the all over. And you're only there for a short time. Yeah. It's like the Olympics. The Olympic Village. Yeah. It is like the Olympics.

Yeah. Like a cruise. I think I maybe got into the wrong type of comedy. It sounds like. Because there is no fun sex game. Do you. Do you. Yeah. Like. of comedy it sounds like because there is no fun sex do you do you yeah like did you have your own hotel room i did for a few nights and then ember conopaki was my roommate

she came a little bit later and i was it was really fun rooming with her sure but it was nice to have my own but okay so every there's all of these amazing events, which are so much fun and so well put together and everything. But the idea of being in a beautiful hotel room alone. Oh, that trumps everything. Yeah. So I just went back to the hotel room and, like, took a big nap on a big bed with, like, eight pillows. They have one pillow that was only designed to put between your legs. Yeah.

What a sex camp. Amazing. I've been. that was only designed to put between your legs. Yeah. What a sex camp. I've been... Yeah. Now, at the beginning of this story,

we were promised sex camp. This seems a lot just like regular camp with more napping. No, no, there was something to put between your legs. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. It was very soft. Yeah, the hotel says, here, put something soft between your legs. But yeah, so I stayed in one. And then I felt that I had to go to the pool party the next night.

Party at the pool? Oh, and there's parties every night. Oh, there's also. Oh, yeah. Because it's so well run. There's parties every night. They've got excursions. But in the pool, wow.

Yeah. Real fun pool party. I feel like a pool party is the shortest distance to go from party to possible sex situation. There was a sauna, too. Yeah. That's dangerous. Yeah, that's true. And also, I would be like sitting in the sauna and be like, I'm too hot.

I'm going to go cool off in the pool. And I'd do that the whole night. Like, I worry, is it closed off from other uh hotel people like if i'm staying at the hotel can i just wander in oh there's a bunch of improv nerds yeah having sex in the pool i'm just trying to read my book there's just a layer of sexual improviser yeah Yeah. And then on top, another layer of water. And you can tell they're improvisers because instead of just saying yes, they're saying yes. Yeah. Oh, give me a suggestion.

Where do you want me to put it? Give me a location. Non-geographical. But I did. Yeah, I've always. Geographical. But I did. Yeah, I've always.

Because, you know, sometimes when, you know, like in American Pie, like Band Camp was the where. Yeah. It's co-ed. And so things are just naturally going to start popping off. Yeah. I think it's like that. There's no intention by the festival to make it sexy. Right. Well, I don't know.

Pool party. Pretty sexy. Is a pool party right well i don't know pool party pretty sexy is a pool party sexy i don't know i don't know the last time i was out when i was definitely 12 and your skin looks so sickly in the water no matter who oh yeah especially in like uh you know fluorescent lights yeah yeah and then i remember in maybe going it might have been a band camp seeing people that you had known for years suddenly with no shirt on and some people you were like that's not what i pictured uh there was one guy who was we all kind of thought was a nerdy guy just ripped he had like abs and he was he was all ropey and we were like oh we didn't know that why were you

at band camp uh i played in the school band but like enough that you went to camp yeah they uh you just went there you went for like a week clarinet drums clarinet oh man i hated it so much but band camp was a lot of fun yeah i mean there wasn't it wasn't sexy to my record well but then again maybe everybody was having a sexy time and I was just walking around in the woods. I don't know. I think that that's a nice way to do it. Just walking around in the woods. Yeah.

By yourself with your clarinet. Bears shitting in the woods. Yeah. Velour. Toilet paper. As far as I can see. Playing something nice so the other bears canour, toilet paper. I'm playing something. As far as I can see. Playing something nice so the other bears can't hear.

Yeah. But I've never been to West Edmonton Mall and we went to West Edmonton Mall. Okay. Canada's biggest mall. Oh my God, it's horrific.

There's too many people. There's too many choices. How many Orange Juliuses are there? I got a soft pretzel, which was my favorite part of the mall. Yeah. But, I mean, it's so. No, it's a mall that has, like, every store you could possibly want.

Claire's Accessories. Our Dean's. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mimosa. And then also a water park. A water park. And an amusement park.

Yeah, and the roller coaster has killed before. And will kill again. Now it's got a taste for blood. Also, it has different areas. Like there's an area that's supposed to look like Bourbon Street. Whoa. I didn't know. I didn't go that far in.

And it's also where I got the worst haircut in my life. There was a bachelorette party in the mall. It was so strange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a comedy club in that mall that I played once. Oh, man. And it's crazy because you walk out of the comedy club into the mall, and it looks like fake Bourbon Street.

But at the end of the night, it's closed. So you're walking out of the comedy club into the mall to get to the outdoor street. Yeah, to the real street. And so you're just on this fake street where there's one janitor just cleaning the street. It was weird. They also had a, don't they have animals?

Like a little- A zoo? No, they had seals. That was sad yeah it's pretty still doesn't want to be in that mall if i don't want to be in that mall that seal absolutely does not want to be in that mall i didn't get that you don't you didn't love it no it stressed me out really it's such a small space i thought thought. The giant mall? No, the water-based portion. Oh, yeah. But isn't there a pirate ship or something? Yeah, but I mean, is it really going to play in the pirate ship?

Oh, no, no. I wasn't saying for the seal. I was just saying. Why do you not like being in the mall? You've got all the space to wander. Oh, sorry. I thought I was speaking on behalf of the seal. I identified with it a lot, I guess.

Sounds like someone had a bad pretzel. The pretzel was actually phenomenal. It was a soft pretzel. A lot of places don't have those anymore. Where was it from? It was a Wetzel. Wetzel. Ah.

Classic Wetzel. Just a classic, not a cinnamon? No, I got the bits. Bites. Oh, yeah. Bites. I got the pretzel bites. What are they? Does it come in a bag or a cup? In a cinnamon? No, I got the bits, bites. Oh, yeah. Bites. I got the bits of bites. What are they?

Does it come in a bag or a cup? In a cup. Fun. It was so good. Mustard? Jesus. No, I just love salt and butter. So just that.

Straight up. Just love that taste. Yeah. But the number one thing I noticed about West Edmonton Mall was all the people inside of it with t-shirts that said things. about West Edmonton Mall was all the people inside of it with t-shirts that said things.

One guy had a shirt that said, it said, if I don't remember, it didn't happen, which is a horrifying shirt in a lot of ways. And then another person

had a shirt that said, two girls, one cup. And then it had two Mario princesses and then like a, not a much what are they called like the a pipe okay that's it but that's not a cup no and also like is it time to bring

that back yet or is that an old shirt yeah like 2007 or whatever yeah a lot of shirts with things on them wow a lot of people had a lot of opinions and put them on a shirt that's the best way to express them yeah as far as i'm i mean it's less permanent than a tattoo yeah less permanent than a bumper sticker more permanent than a just saying yeah i guess is i wonder because that's a really big. I wonder if there's a store you can buy those crazy shirts at. Oh. I'm sure there is. Yeah.

Because I haven't been in a mall that has that type of store for a long time. Like, that has, you know, whatever. Yeah, I know. I'm not Irish, but suck my dick. You're like, what? That's not the expression. Once I got drunk in high school

that was what okay go ahead and then I went to the mall and got a shirt made and it was like a forest green shirt

and then in gold sparkly gold I got and scene written on it which is something you say in improv

at the end of a scene and then the next day i realized how dangerous it is to go to a mall drunk because you got that shirt yeah and i was working at dairy queen and making like six bucks an hour that shirt was like fifty dollars did now how did the how did the shirt go over was it good um people Did people love it? It looked god awful It was so gaudy And then it got attention People looked at me

Because of course they did And that made me feel uncomfortable So I just didn't wear it Oh wow You can never look at a girl's shirt Because you know Yeah Well I had it

I had it written at the bottom too To the side I don't even know why I had it written down there Do you have the shirt still? Oh I don't think so Really? I wish I did there. Do you have the shirt still? Oh, I don't think so. Really? I wish I did, but it was, I think my dad probably threw it out.

My, uh, in like, uh, in grade eight, I was in, uh, I was a very good math student. And so in grade nine, I got put into advanced math and then I was like, I can coast. And it was so much harder.

And I never did any homework. And I was the worst student in the class for four years. But I think in grade 11, we all got math class shirts. And someone in the class had drawn up a little cartoon of our teacher. And we were like, oh, that's great. Let's all get it put on shirts. Polo shirts. With the cartoon as like where you would put the alligator on your Lacoste shirt.

And then the teacher went ahead and did the order and everything. Didn't tell anyone about this on the back. It said, math is radical. With radical written under a radical sign well that's no one agreed to that that is pretty cool it's really cool do you have that shirt i think i i kept it for a long time but i think it's gone now yeah oh man so i kept it as like like even moments after getting i'm like i'm gonna wear this ironically this thing i ordered uh totally uh sincerely

this oh man this is radical oh man it's the kind of thing that you're gonna have to wear this with a shirt over this just shows the. Like a leather vest or something. Something real tough. Yeah, polo and leather vest. That's kind of perfect, actually. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, it's summer.

Although we're recording Graham and I are out of town. Oh, yeah. I think we're recording, Graham and I are out of town. Oh, yeah. I think we're just back in town. You're just back in town as this is being released. Yeah. But the summer has been wonderful so far. Oh, yeah.

It's been cloudy and rainy. Yeah. We thought earlier in the spring, we thought we were in for a mega drought, mega heat wave. Yeah. And it's just been fine. It's been just fine. Yeah. Yeah.

Better than last year. Oh, last year it was. Last year it was so hot this time. Yeah. We didn't get any rain in May or June. Yeah. Last year. Yeah.

And I was going to geek out on the weather, but no. The one thing that happens every year is we get bugs. Oh, yeah. And I get fruit flies in my house, and I hate it. But this year, there haven't been any. Because the last couple of years, I've been like, next time, I'm definitely getting a Venus flytrap. That's going to be my fun way of combating these bugs.

Yeah. I haven't seen a single fruit fly. So I haven't done that yet. But the other day, there have been more scary bugs outside that I've never seen before. Oh, what? We had these flying ants. Oh, I heard about those. What?

Where did you hear about them? On Twitter. Somebody said that there was a story on the news about them. Oh, I heard about those. What? Where did you hear about them? On Twitter. Somebody said that there was a story on the news about them. Oh, okay. Yeah. And they said that the ones that you see that are flying, the big, like, kind of hang down, those are the queens. Duh. Yeah, so the queens

can fly. Oh, well, these are just all flying. So I don't know what's... So they're all queens. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And then the other day, I don't even know what this thing was. That is scary. Yeah, that's a horrifying start.

I was walking my dog at night in the dark and the streetlight was on and I just saw a shadow pass over the streetlight. And I look. That's terrible. And there was a, like, just on the street, a I looked up. That's terrifying. And there was a, like just on the street, a shadow, like the Batman symbol pointing down at the ground. And I looked up

and there was just this enormous bug. I couldn't make it out. It was so high up, but it was it was like obscuring the light. Was it flying or crawling on the light? Flying. Bouncing off of it. Because remember, bugs are dumb. There's a lot of big moths so far.

Yeah. I don't think big moths eat clothes though. Oh. It's just those little ones, right? I know the little ones. That when you, if you crush one, they just turn to dust. Yeah. You're like, well, what was in you?

You were just a dust thing. Well, they're eating the dust off your clothes. Ah, there we go. Yeah, so bugs, bugs, bugs. Yeah. I read a crazy thing. I follow this one Twitter feed called Real Scientists. And so it's a different scientist

every day tweeting about what they do and there's this one guy who uh he knows everything about insects and apparently in some country don't remember where they use a particular type of ant as emergency sutures like if you'll bite you they'll bite you and close the wound and then you just twist off their body yeah and the the whatever their fangs or whatever stay in the wound and it's that green it's very it's very green i mean it's not great for those ants but you know and yeah apparently it's green because, man, all the stitches. Landfills just filled with stitches. Oh, yeah, there's a giant island of stitches floating around in the Pacific.

Size of Texas. Bunch of snitches there. Yeah, so what is your, because you have, you've got a front door door and a back door and sometimes you have them open to create like a breeze. Yeah. Do you find that the bugs are really settling in? No, it's not. We're not in like a,

we're not in, uh, an area where people even need screen doors or anything. Yeah. Not really. Hey, so it's, but this year it's,

and it hasn't even been hot As mentioned Yeah But still like bugs maybe Just like hey weird bugs Just so you know Yeah They're here Cause there's

What do they Call those things That like hatch Every you know 20 years Oh Cicadas? Cicada yeah

Oh yeah Those aren't here right now But I think there was A big cicada thing This year And what are they? They just fly around In a big cloud? Cicadas? Cicada, yeah. Those aren't here right now, but I think there was a big cicada thing this year. And what are they? They just fly around in a big cloud? Cicadas?

I don't even know. But when they have a harvest or when they have a... Like, I don't know how it works that you can just pupate for... I'm not a bug guy. It's like a reverse purge. Yes. They all get born. They all get born. They all get born every election year.

Yeah. It's yeah. Wow. I don't, uh, I, yeah, I don't know anything about bugs really. I mean, I, you know, aphids I know a bit about. Oh, tell it teach. Cause they, they were, they would eat, uh, this particular type of tree that was very popular in Calgary and they would destroy the leaf.

And then so it wouldn't be able to. And they're little green guys. You know those little tiny green, like neon green bugs sometimes you see? Oh, yeah. Those are aphids. Oh. Yeah. But apparently they just terrorize trees.

So if you see a tree with all the leaves have like giant kind of holes in them, that's aphids going nuts. So if I see one of them, I should just get rid of it. Just, no, cross the street. Yeah. Don't make eye contact. Yeah, don't engage. Yeah, they do it every few years.

Like here, there'll be some other bug that's, you know, tearing up. Oh, yeah. Recently, it's been the lawns. Oh, what? It's some kind of. It's like a lawn bug? Yeah. Sometimes you see people whose lawns are all chewed up.

Yeah. And it's these bugs or it's that like raccoons and skunks are trying to get these bugs out of the lawn. Because I saw something that I had never seen before. Maybe last winter that a crow was jumping up and down on a lawn. And that was to, uh, like scare the worms up.

So they jump up and down to, to kind of disorient the worms and then the worms come up and then they eat them. I never, I didn't know birds could do that. Oof. Crows are very smart, but very mean.

Oh yeah. Not like dolphins who are smart and just like into sex stuff yeah they really i think want to have sex with humans dolphins yeah because you've heard they're sending a lot of signals but aren't there like a lot of stories of dolphins trying to, like, get up and that? Yeah, trying to have sex with a human. No, I don't know these stories. Oh.

I'm sure that, you know, those things where people go swimming in the parks. I've heard tales. Dolphin tales. Well, like, what? But what do they give you? A little slap on the butt? Or a wink? Yeah.

They say something too suggestive. That's not appropriate. Yeah. Or is it? I shouldn't have said that. My mother is right there. Yeah. My wife is right there.

My wife is my mother. Forget it, dolphin. It's Chinatown. Yeah, I'm worried about these bugs now these new bugs i'm worried about new bugs that i've you know that i've never encountered that's kind of one of the reasons i'm scared to go to a place like australia i feel like there's a lot of new bugs that i'd have to be on the lookout for and i think just all animal i think that that's the thing that freaks me out about Australia.

It's just animals, animals everywhere. And bugs. And just like all the stuff like creeping around. Yeah. On that big continent. Yeah. If I were Huey Lewis, I would be like, I want a new bug.

One that won't make me sick. Oh, you want one that will make you sick? That's, yeah. A big problem with global warming. Like, look, it's all, the world's all drying up except for the parts that are totally going to get flooded. And bugs are going to be fine. They're just going to move to where we are. Yeah, that's the thing, right?

Because we've, here is relatively bug free. But if you go to Winnipeg in the summer, it's all mosquitoes everywhere. If you go up north, it's all black flies. Yeah. And they'll take a chunk of skin, right? Oh, gosh. I've never met one. Oh, man.

Horseflies and black flies, they really, they bite. I got bit a couple times in Edmonton, and I don't even know what bit me. Well, it was a sex. Yeah. It was a sex. Yeah, you're right. I was having sex with a mosquito. Got a little weird. So yeah, that's me. Bugs.

Saw some bugs. New bugs. Summer's new bugs are upon us. Oh man, literally. Speaking of what's up with you? Well, speaking of summer, I was in a white horse, uh, the day before the summer solstice. That's the Yukon. Yeah.

And on the summer solstice, they have a day where there's, uh, the sun never goes down for 24 hours. So is there the day before? So the sun dipped down for half an hour at midnight. It's weird, man. I don't understand how people, cause then they have the opposite of that in the winter where it's just dark for 24 hours a day. Yeah, so drinking is weird there. Because when you're done, the woman had to close the blinds in the bar to convince everybody.

Closing time, guys. Because it always feels like 4pm. You know. Which is perfect drinking time because you're about to get off work. Yeah, and it's 5 o'clock somewhere. But we were staying in the hotel and the morning, I was only

there for one night, and then the morning we left decided to have breakfast in the hotel. Was this for the debaters? This was for the debaters. And, uh, we went down to the hotel bar and it was shoulder to shoulder packed. And I didn't remember this about white horse until I was there with German tour. Yes. And they're all, they were all watching the football. Oh, right.

There's the Euro cup. Yeah. And Germans love the Yukon. Oh, right. There's the Euro Cup. Yeah. And Germans love the Yukon. What? Yeah. I've heard that in the summer there's maybe even direct flights. Yeah.

What? Yeah. I mean, cool. They just love, they're nature people. They love the great outdoors and this is as great as our outdoors gets.

And it's also, they love Whitehorse and Dawson gets and it's also they are uh they they love white horse and dawson city because it's got a lot of cat like cowboy yes things so everything everywhere you go is you know there's ice picks on the not not sexy ice sexy ice picks in their dicks and and there's a you know every place has a taxidermy and it feels like uh going to a city that is a lodge okay and they also love first nations stuff art and apparently there's somewhere in the yukon you can go and these people will take you to these viewing stations and you can watch grizzly bears just eat salmon during the salmon run. Because they're so much.

The Germans are just their jackass. Have you ever been to the yukon or anywhere north never but i really want to because uh i've been obsessed for a long time with this uh woman who lived there named klondike kate oh yeah klondike kate there's a there's a couple things named after her there i i what's her deal oh she had such a crazy life she was like belle of the Yukon. She was a dancer up there. And then the man that she lived with that left her for an 18-year-old was the guy who started the Pantages. Well, that's legal as long as it's legal. He started the Pantages Theater.

So that's an interesting bit of local. Why aren't you interested in him? Because he was a bit of a dick, to be honest. Well, he started a cool theater. Yeah, and then he got like, there was some sort of scandal and she had to like come down. She was more interesting. She cut her hair into a bob at one point she was wearing candles in her hair and then they melted so i wonder if she was one of the first bobs probably i tried to find that out

but in a book called what about bobs but what about bobs now there were the the other kind of famous resident of that area in that time was uh donald trump's grandfather oh ran a ran the biggest and most successful whorehouse in city all right so that's where he made his money and was that barely legal as well uh it was a perfect 10 um That was the name of a magazine, right? Barely Legal? Yeah. It's a legal magazine. It's a legal journal.

Barely, though. That's a weird designation. Things are legal or they are not. They are not barely legal. Just though. This one. Be a little careful with this one. This one.

We'll be a little careful with this one. But if you like that, you would love Dawson City because they still have this old-timey casino. Boardwalk and stuff? Yeah, it's all old wooden sidewalk. It's like a ghost town. Yeah, it's really weird because only year-round there's only about 1,000 or 2,000

people live there and then during the summer the population explodes because it's all tourists and too, you know, German. I was trying to name it like you said, 2,000 people. I was trying to come up with German numbers. 99 Luftballons. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to. Because they do the old, what do you call it?

The kick contest or something? No, the can-can dancers. Because they do the old, what do you call it? The kick contest or something? No, the can-can dancers. Whoa, really? Yeah, they do that and they have. They all have bobs with candles in their hair. Really? They're all 18 and one day. And it's named after the big casino there.

It's called Diamond Tooth Gertie's. Oh, yeah. Gertie was, yeah, she was rich yeah during the gold rush from just being like somebody who flirted with and you dance with them and then you make them buy bottles of champagne yeah and everybody paid in just gold so they're everybody uh that worked in the casino had a personal scale so that you could just be like that'll be one ounce and they'd throw nuggets on the stage yeah for you and so she got a diamond implanted in her uh too yeah i read about her that's a good it's just a good investment yeah oh boy commodities in this economy and then your

body when your dad is worth something so you well i think your body's worth something when you're dead. I've been told I'm worth more to people dead than alive. When that Body Worlds thing was in town, I read there was a pamphlet about donating your body to it and the kind of requirements. Because you have to be a certain fitness level and stuff for them to be able to use you. Wow, rude. Yeah, pretty rude. Yeah. All bodies are beautiful, Body Worlds. I want to see you. Wow, rude. Yeah, pretty rude. Yeah. Yeah. All buddies are beautiful, Body Worlds. I want to see the inside of anybody.

Yeah. That's why I watch Murder Docs. Body Worlds. We are size queens. Yes. So, yeah. So, I went up to, yeah, Yukon. In the mid-night sun.

The almost longest day of the year. Yeah. What was the skyline? I The almost longest day of the year. Yeah. What was the sky like? I've been to Sweden during the solstice. Same thing? Same thing. Where it goes, we're a little far south, but the sun was up to like four in the morning. And then up again at five.

Are there stars during the, like? No, you can't see stars. The time of day, no? No, it's just. Because, I guess. It's just perpetually, it's just perpetually it's not quite dusky i mean it was really cloudy too so maybe it's different when it's not but it just seemed like oh this is like four o'clock like when you're at work and you're done with work but

there's still an hour it was just that for the whole time i was there um but yeah if you if you ever get a chance to go I really want to Yeah Let's go Can we go right now? Well I'm not gonna go But you should Yeah

Okay I will Right now I'll walk there Yes and Okay Google UConn Google UConn Here's some things

I'm so bad at Okay Google You know When you have an Android phone No No You say Okay Google Okay Google Instead of Siri Oh But then it pops up I'm so bad at OK Google, you know, when you have an Android phone. No, no. You say OK Google? OK Google instead of Siri.

Oh. But then it pops up right away and you have such a short amount of time. I'm always like, Orange County. Choppers. And then it's done. Orange County choppers. Thank God for that mustache. Yeah.

I have Siri and there's a thing where you can make it, I just use the button to bring up Siri, but you can make it so if you say, hey Siri, it'll happen. But it always reminds me of that Wilson Phillips song, Hey Santa. Hey Santa, hey Santa, Santa. So that's why I'm out Do we want to move on to some overhoods?

Yes sir Hey guys, this is Adam Conover You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything Well guess what, now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun What we do is, we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talk to for just a couple minutes on the show And we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org. Carrie, close your eyes.

Okay. In the future, when I utter the word canceled, everything which I have said to you while you are in a therapy session will have no force with you. Let's go to the earliest moment of pain or discomfort. No, Ross, I don't think I want to do Scientology auditing. I understand. The only way is through. I don't really like Scientology, Ross. That's too bad, because we have a show called Oh No, Ross and Carrie. If people are going to learn all about Scientology, I'm afraid you're going to have to go through the auditing process.

Is it going to be just like this? Yep, for like five hours at a time. Why did we start making a show? We're masochists. Oh, okay. Canceled. Overheard. Overheard.

The segment in which we hear things out there in the world and then we bring them on back here on the podcast. Bring it on back to you. Is that the S Club 7? Yeah, I don't know. I was thinking I want you back by the Jackson 7, but you're right. The Jackson 7, yes. Didn't they have an extra?

Yeah, they added Janet and Latoya. Jackson 7? Oh, boy. I think I just went from S Club 7 to the Jackson 7. I think that's what happened. Yeah, well, doy. We were all here for it. And we always like to start with the guest.

Now, you said you have to check your phone as a reference. I wrote it down because I didn't want to get the wording wrong. So on our drive back from Edmonton, I really wanted to stop for ice cream. But it was at 6 p.m. and everything was closed. So we went to a Dairy Queen. Ooh, it was just as good. Yeah, just as great. And open till 10. Yeah.

I got a classic dipped cone, which is my favorite thing. And as we were leaving, this dad with this really annoying smirk came back. And he went up to the woman and he was like, hey, my son here ordered a Royal Oreo Blizzard with a fudge core. What I see here is a bit of fudge at the bottom and then a big hole full of nothing. Seems a bit lame. What do you think? And he said it all with this like. Oh, wow. So he's trying not to be confrontational.

But so passive aggressive Yeah But so You do the math Yeah what do you think Yeah what Yeah exactly What do you think

What do your numbers say And the woman was like I don't know Yeah I don't They don't pay me to think Yeah and Yeah well

What does it say Fudge expert on my And then The people say fudge expert It's supposed to have a fudge core. Like the earth? It was so strange. It's true.

It does. It is supposed to. What do you think? Just ask. Be like, hey, you put almost nothing in here because this is Dairy Queen. Can you please put some stupid fudge on top? Some of the vat of fudge that you have. It'll cost you nothing.

Put a bit more. Yeah. I used to work there. We would absolutely say yes if someone said that to me when I was a teen I would have just stood there and said nothing

and waited for them to talk again which is a real power move what um have you had the royal blizzard no no I've never

what is that is that the it's got yeah they leave a hole in the middle and they fill it with fudge or I think there's one

where they do cookie dough maybe and one where they do like strawberry. By appointment of the queen. The fudge one is no good. It's interesting. It melts everything. Like the whole thing just becomes hot.

Oh, because it's hot. Yeah. What they should put in is the dip cone material because then it will harden and you get little crispies in it. And if you get the, if you put. I don't know if I've said this before on the podcast, but I have this conversation every couple of days. What they should do. If you put the cookie crunch stuff from the cakes and just cover it in the dipping chocolate.

Good God, it's so good. Have it in one of those little cups. Is that what you would do when you work there like that was your off-menu treat oh yeah and it also uh yeah put a bunch of stuff together as well or i'd take the bacon and i'd cover it in cheese and just melt it and then just eat that wow my atkins friendly yeah my favorite thing they don't it's paleo they don't do it anymore because they don't have hard ice cream there at the ones I go to. But there used to be a thing that had scoops of chocolate ice cream and crumbled up cookie bits and whipped cream and peanut butter sauce.

That was really good. Peanut butter sauce? Yeah. Huh. Like a satay sauce? Yeah. Peanut butter sauce? Yeah.

Huh. Like a satay sauce? Yeah, it was like a Thai, sort of a hoisin, like a peanut butter hoisin thing. What was, when you worked at Dairy Queen, what was the thing that you hated when people would order? Oh. Like that you're like, ah, fuck. Probably the banana split, just because it's more work. Yeah. It seems labor-intensive.

Or the milkshakes. Because you use the same machine to make the blizzards and the milkshakes, and the milkshakes would just go everywhere. They just get all over you. Oh. I didn't know they had milkshakes. No, they're okay. They're no bacon with cheese melted on them. On a piece of, like...

On a piece of my hand. Yeah, on a piece of, like... On a piece of my hand. Yeah, on a piece of, like, wax paper. Dave, do you have an overheard? Guys, barely. Me too. Heard it last night. This isn't a specific overheard. It's an overseen, but it was...

There's this place I sometimes get a coffee in Gastown called Nelson the Seagull. Oh, that's a good name. And it's named after Nelson Mandela. Is it really? Yeah. Why the seagull? There's a story about him being a boxer and I didn't read it. There's a picture of him as a boxer and I assume that's what.

Holding a cup of coffee. Yeah. there's a picture of him as a boxer and i assume that's holding a cup of coffee yeah it's a weird it's a weird coffee shop because something's wrong with the floors and it always feels like there's an earthquake like your table will move a bit but it's not noticeable enough that is it because of a train or something it's no people walk past and and it's the weirdest thing but anyway the bathroom has uh just like the best uh classic um wall graffiti oh everything you want in a bathroom wall graffiti i just i'm just gonna read some of the classics that are on the wall. None of these are things you haven't heard before. Bush did 9-11. Okay, yeah, that's good. In a cloud.

Okay. Oh, that's quite well done. God took LSD and thought he was me. Whoa. Whoa. El Barto. Oh, El Barto. Yeah, they had an El Barto.

El Barto. uh el barto oh el barto yeah they had an el bardo el bardo and uh uh just classic uh call vera for a blowjob oh yeah yeah i was i was that's what i was hoping for was for a good time call it said uh it's a vera and then in in parentheses blowjobs free and the phone number is 604 446 do you want me to say that i don't know if she put that up there. No, probably. Who else would? That's why my phone's been ringing. Let me put my number up. Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, first of all, the blowjobs are not free. When you go to the aquarium, it's a lot of dolphin handwriting. Meet me here after class. Or meet me in the dolphin tank. Meet me. Yeah, well. Oh, man. Yeah, that's.

I'm trying to think of. Is there any other classic graffiti that I haven't seen for a long time? I like. Picture of a penis is always. Oh, yeah. That's. I always like Jesus saves. Oh, yeah. And Gretzky puts it in on the rebound.

Oh, that one's good. Yeah, it's a hockey-themed one. Sometimes in the stall, you would get the look left, look right. It was called, like, idiot tennis. Oh. You'd look, and it would say, look left, and then the thing over there would say, look right. Whoa, I've never seen that. That's good.

What's the situation graffiti wise in the woman's bathroom very much i think there's more there's more conversations oh okay full conversation someone says something then someone else disagrees or adds to it a lot of pot positive graffiti uh and then quotes and a lot of like you are who you are and you should love yourself what kind of quotes like I'll have what she's having

when Harry Met Sally famous movie quotes oh man there was one that was so stupid I wish I could have taken a picture there's one that said

call your mom which wasn't a quote but well it's There's one that said call your mom Which wasn't a quote But Someone said it Yeah Call your mom sure Hey guess where I am mom I think there was something that was like

You only are where you are right now That was So dumb What were Oh there was some In the 90s when there was the uh like all the women in songs artists sure your mclaughlin's your what was the album title i couldn't oh i hate it so much meredith brooks it was one of the it was uh anyway we are we are we you you're you're you're

always in the last place you look. Supposed former infatuation junkie. Jesus Raves. I've seen that a bunch. Oh, that's cool. Jesus Raves is good. Yeah. That's fresh. I've never seen that one before.

Apparently, there was a famous one that was in World War II that was, someone was here. Oh, yeah. Kilroy. Kilroy, yeah. And it was a guy peeking over a fence oh yes i've seen that a bunch yeah and that's apparently that was like that's where that originated was and it's a sticks album as well is it oh yeah oh yeah because then they reference in domo arigato i didn't put that together that that that was the same Kilroy.

Oh, yeah, it's the one Kilroy. One Kilroy to rule them all. Graham, do you have an overheard? Yeah, like, just barely hanging on to overheards. But I got one last night. I was passing a couple walking down the street, and the woman was explained to her boyfriend and I didn't hear the beginning or the end

but she said, well, long weekends are cursed in my family. I'm sure it has a horrible next sentence. Oh yeah, yeah. But you know, was it a case that her great grandfather did something to a witch?

Oh, sure. On a long weekend. Stolen campsite. That's the worst person, passive-aggressive-wise, is somebody who puts a curse on you instead of just handling it face-to-face. Somebody who feels like you did them wrong. And instead of just dealing with it. Yeah. They're like thinner.

Yeah. Did you ever see that movie? Drag Me to Hell? Yeah. Yeah. That was a lot of fun. That is a curse, isn't it? Did you see it?

No, I didn't. It's one of the last movies I ever saw Alison Lohman in. Oh, yeah. What happened to her? I don't know.ohman in. Oh, yeah. What happened to her? I don't know. She was cute. Yeah.

And she was really good in that movie because she just played this woman who turned, somebody should turn her down for a loan at the bank or something. And it's just, it's so scary, but also so funny. Like, it's funny on purpose. Yeah. Oh. It's the guy who did Sam Raimi. Evil Dead, yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah. And Spider-Man 1. Yeah, yeah. Oh. It's the guy who did Sam Raimi. Evil Dead, yeah. Oh, cool.

Yeah. And Spider-Man 1. Yeah. And 2? Yeah, he did 2. No, he did 3 as well. Oh, the dance movie. Oh, boy.

Oof. That's got to be rough that you made two, you know, really good Spider-Man movies. And then the third one, you're like, ugh. They all have to bear that. Frost. Dunst. McGuire. Oh, yeah.

That's true. Even Aunt May. Yeah. Oh, you know who's the new Aunt May? Who? Cameron Diaz. Tomei? Yeah, Marissa Tomei. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That was like, oh, boy. If she's considered old enough to play Aunt May. I mean, she's playing, like, good-looking Aunt May, which is a new twist. But, you know, Marisa Tomei? Yeah, sure. Okay. Whatever.

Yeah. Is there an Aunt May sex scene in it? Yeah, sure. It's her and Mickey Rooney. Rourke. Rooney. I alwayske. Rooney. I always get them mixed up. So it's a horror.

Yeah. Dead Mickey Rooney. CGI'd Mickey Rooney. What did I do to deserve this? Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from people all over the planet. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one fits in well to the podcast topics at large. This is from Jeremy F., New York City.

Hi, Jeremy. I host New York City Maximum Fun Community Events. And we had a karaoke outing. Saw this in the bathroom. Panicked. It's a sign on the back of the toilet that says, Do not put toilet paper in the toilet, please. Yeah. Whoa.

Uh-oh. Even in an airplane toilet, you can put toilet paper. Yeah. I don't know. Do you think they were going for don't put paper towels in the toilet or I don't know. That would be scared, though. You know what? I like a public toilet.

Not my problem. Once I'm out of there, it uh it belongs to the sea yeah cost of doing business my friend yep and also everyone's a suspect it was could have been the guy before me and i'm just the overflower yeah and that's i think that's the most precarious position to be in when you followed the person who done it and then you have to report it and i always make a point i'm like it wasn't it but you don't believe that for a second there's a whole song called it wasn't me about a guy who's lying yeah he ruined that expression for everybody uh this next one comes from hannah in sydney aust Australia. I was walking past the Queen Victoria building in the city.

Prestigious. Behind the sweet looking little old man with a white jumper and smart black pants pulling a shopping trolley. When he stopped at the lights to press the crossing button, I saw that the front of his jumper said, in huge black letters, the words, I fucked Oprah. On a jumper, of all things. Oh, and that man? Stedman Graham. Oh, wow. Where would you get a shirt like that and what is that probably he was probably drunk

the mall and scene i fucked oprah and gail oh what a specific shirt so specific we're gonna sell a million of them. He just wears a new one every day because they haven't sold them. I just throw them out at the end of the day. Use them as toilet paper.

I've clogged so many Australian toilets which go the opposite way. And this last one comes from Amanda in Baltimore, Maryland. The other day I was walking down the street past the entrance to a local dive bar. Two guys walked out of the bar onto the sidewalk in front of me and started walking the same direction I was.

They were just chatting normally. When we got to the corner and they were about to part ways, they leaned their heads in towards each other till their foreheads were touching, firmly grasped each other's forearms, and in unison, hushed tone said, may your enemies lie defeated in your wake until we next convene. And then they walked off in opposite directions. Oh, what we do in life echoes in eternity. That's pretty crazy. Yeah. But, you know, if you're going to settle on a secret farewell shake, what is it?

It's not a handshake. It's a secret. Yeah. What were their arms doing? Like grabbing each other's arms and their foreheads touching each other. So grabbing each other's forearms. Cool. Like a trust exercise.

It's intimate. It's a Pilates. Yeah. They were doing one Pilates each. One Pilates, two Pilates, three Pilates, four. Yeah. Five Pilates, six Pilates, seven Pilates floor. Now that's a shirt you could get at the mall.

It only goes up to four though, right? Yeah. I did it wrong. There's also what I really learned in college, the skeletons having sex. Do you remember that one? Was it one of the Mickey Rooney? It would just be like cartoons of skeletons having sex in different positions. Whoa.

Yeah. I never saw that shirt. Was there a bone for the... Yeah. Because that's how that works. Just a bone. And the woman had boob bones. In addition to overhearses that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people hang out. Hi, Dave, Graham, and guests. This is Christine calling from Vancouver with an overheard. I was recently visiting Toronto and dining at the Lakeview restaurant. I went in to use their bathroom,

which has a really odd setup. You come through a door to the sink and vanity area, and then the toilet is in its own separate locked stall. So basically, people can awkwardly stand right outside the stall while it's in use. So I was in the stall, and a mom and daughter come in. The daughter says, why can't we go in? The mom says, we have to wait.

Someone's in there. The daughter then says, what about there? And I hear the mom say, that's a mirror. Well, I'm going to try. Yeah, and it didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Did you ever go into one of those at the Peony Fair they have? It's not a house of mirrors. It's a house of glass.

It's like a glass maze. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went to one of those at the Stampede. But I feel like it maybe has some mirrors in there, too. Anyway, I bonked my head on the glass maze. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went to one of those at Stampede. But I feel like it maybe has some mirrors in there, too. Anyway, I bonked my head on the glass wall. There's a bathroom like that. I feel there's like

a bar and gas down that has that. It was... Oh, yeah, but it has... There's a communal sink. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's it called?

It's the... Downstairs. It's downstairs. It's the one that has all the giant Jenga and board games. Yeah, and upstairs is called like, hey, Rodney. Relax, Jermaine. Oh, Gilton Co. Gilton Co.

Gilton Co. is the downstairs? And then Chill Winston. Chill Winston. What did I say? Relax, Jermaine. You were. Not far off. You made it more of a statement.

Yeah. Relax, Jermaine. Yeah, there's no... I don't think there's a comma in there. Chill, Winston. That's my favorite Ghostbusters quote. Next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and fantastic guest. I haven't overheard.

I was at Costco and there was this younger couple behind me. I got the sense that they were friends, but maybe he wanted to be more than friends. And he said to her, he said, you know what I like about you? You know, sometimes you're so nice to people, and then sometimes you're so rude. You're so bad. Best thing you ever had. That's a real neg.

Yeah. I feel like he was describing me. No, is that a thing that you do with somebody that you're hoping to expand your relationship? You go to Costco together? That doesn't seem like a... I guess maybe if your friend's just going there. And if you're in love with this girl and she needs a ride. Yeah, I'll take you anywhere.

I feel like in the past I've known some people who have definitely taken advantage of that type of situation. Having a Costco cart? Well, no, getting rides everywhere because somebody was in love with this person. I'm like, no, you shouldn't do that. And if you're in love with people, you shouldn't have a cart. Yeah, that's true. Should only be love-lorn folks. Yeah, when you go

to the DMV, they should be like, you in love? And they make you squeeze a love tester. Here's your final overheard of 2016. Oh, hello, everyone.

I've got an overseen for you. My name is Stephen. I live in London, England. And I live next to a hotel. And we get a lot of foreigners coming by, and that is relevant to my overseen. Stephen Merchant? So this family got out of their taxi,

and I could see them unloading all their suitcases. And one of the people had one of those hard shell suitcases that has graphics and pictures printed into it. And it was a musical theme, and you could see notes and pictures of musical instruments and all that kind of stuff. And there were only three English words on this suitcase. One was jazz, one was classical, and Kesha. Yep.

I like people who express their individuality through their luggage. It's not a bad idea because when you're at the carousel, they all look alike. Oof, yeah. Oof, maloof. Yeah, I've never owned a fun piece of luggage. Me either. Immediately I was thinking of your like your phone case like a leopard print i took a chance yeah took a chance and i think it's paying off yeah this is gonna be

your year i should get matching uh luggage what if you became the leopard print person leopard princess whoa i'd do it just for the title. Like the Great British Bake Off. And then you could start getting plastic surgery to look like a leopard. I mean, it's foolproof. I mean, just try it out. Yeah. I mean, to look more like a leopard. Well, that's almost the end of the podcast.

Do you have anything upcoming that you would like to plug or, uh, you're doing regular things at little mountain? Yeah. Come to a little mountain gallery on Tuesdays. The show starts at eight 30 doors are at eight for a little mountain improv. And then I'm going to play in the fringe festival called dying city, which is in September and you should come check it out. Dying city.

What can you say what it's about? You should come check it out. Dying City. Can you say what it's about? It is about a guy dies, and then a year later, his twin brother comes to see his estranged, the estranged wife of the dead brother. That's the fantasy. Yeah.

That's everybody's twin fantasy. Dating a twin, one of of them dies it's a farce is it no okay I don't know what plays what are plays

that's true I don't know what are plays am I play chill Winston relax chill Winston and we've got

a couple live shows coming up. We sure do. October 7th, Edmonton, the Up and Downtown Festival. Yeah. It's a real kind of sex, adult sex camp. Sex club? Got it.

October 22nd, Victoria, British Columbia at the Alex Goulden Hall. Yeah. Tickets available. We'll post links on our... Your hair looks great. Thank you. You look like a cool grade seven in 2003. CGS in 2003.

And also, we host another podcast, and the third episode is out now. And yeah, check it out if you haven't before. There's three whole episodes to check out It's called Our Debut Album So much fun Graham and I write a hit song in every episode So far, they've all been hits I haven't bought a Billboard magazine

But I can feel it Yeah, yeah The drug story go- doesn't carry billboards. Yeah. So I'm under the impression these have all been huge hits. Songs of the summer. Yeah. That's what my managers told me.

And if you like that podcast, leave an iTunes review. If you like this podcast, leave an iTunes review, but don't leave reviews for the wrong podcast.. If you like this podcast, leave an iTunes review. But don't leave reviews for the wrong podcast. But if you do, hey, fun mistake on your part. Just make it vague.

And check out the blog recap over at MaximumFun.org. Dave will take pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. It wasn't me. Yep.

Absolutely. West Edmonton Mall. Oh, right. Yeah. I won't post any pictures of giant bugs. Yeah. You know, I know we talked a lot about dogs. A car and a bikini.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not a mural worker. We'll see what we can do And if you like the show Tell your friends And come on back next week for another episode Of Stop Podcasting Yourself Woo

Crunch of any chip? I don't know. Like a potato has a good crunch. Yeah, a ruffled chip. Seems like it would have a pretty good chip. Oh, yeah. Ate too fast. Yeah, good crunching, everybody.

I need to do some foley work for. This is people walking through a fall. Oh, yeah, leaves. Yeah. Now do snow. Okay. And fall on my back. Snow's gonna be coming out of my hand.

Yeah, real good. I'll see you on the moon now. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.