Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 44 - Taz VanRassel

Episode Date: December 28, 2008

Improviser Taz VanRassel joins us to talk Christmas releases, wrestling tag teams, and iPod battles.  We stuntcast Archie and crown our Official American Listener.  It could be you.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Welcome to episode number 44 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me as always is the man who wrote Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Dave Shumka. Yeah, I wrote that. It was mostly about motorcycle maintenance, as I recall.

I wrote the Time Life book series on motorcycle maintenance and then as a gag jerry from the office wrote zen on the front of it i'm also wearing the cinnaminset shirt that you got me last week uh yeah and uh our guest uh doesn't get it because it's an inside joke and we talked about how awesome it is to put an inside joke on a t-shirt our guest being a long time guest we wanted here on stop podcasting yourself yeah he's he has been our white well i'm your movie dick uh taz van rassel of the uh sunday service founding member of the sunday service uh i was there in the beginning sure yeah sure who was before taz nobody exactly yeah it wasn't like you you uh it's not myself and ryan beal yeah you guys are one and two we haven't had a chance to have ryan beal on no he's too busy

yeah if we couldn't get taz there's no chance we're getting right what's ryan beal up to these let's get to know us get to know us yeah wait what i I'm here representing Ryan Veele. All of a sudden, what's he doing these days? What's going on with you? I am a professional actor of sorts. Yeah? Yeah, I haven't had a real job for, I guess, a year now. Oh, wow.

Is there a specific day when you decided? When I was working at Zipcar. Tell me all about Zipcar. I was working street promotions for a car sharing company. And most of the time it just meant we would go somewhere and then leave and no one would really check up on us. And then there was one day where they wanted us just to go to the SkyTrain stations, like the 24 newspaper people, and just hand them out oh and they checked up on us so

i quit along with kevin lee and sean devlin you had to hand out what uh pamphlets you quit because uh they wanted us to do real work and they were gonna check that you were doing it yeah that's and they were already kind of on to us. And Sean Devlin used to, he used to hand out the 24s, if I recall correctly. I think he may have, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had a system all worked out. Sean has gotten me many weird promotional jobs. Yeah, he one time, I remember I got a phone call from him

because he was telling me that he might have the opportunity to dress as Spider-Man for a kid's birthday party. Wow, did you take it? I think he said yes, but then something got screwed up with it.

He threw away his telephone. Don't do that. He's a slight gentleman. It would have been a funny Spider-Man costume probably. Had a baggie on him, is my guess. They would have believed it was Tobey Maguire. Or Venom.

Tover Grace. So is it December was when you decided I'm going to no longer? No, maybe it was a little bit later, like February. I didn't want to have a real job. And how's it been? It's been good? Yeah, it's been... i have a lovely girlfriend who feeds me a lot oh that's good yeah that's who's on your show yeah uh olivia mowat former guest episode 17 or 18 yeah she's a fantastic guest by the way i was supposed to be the guest that day

yeah yeah and she still we remember she filled in and did better yeah well we'll see this is your chance to you know really stick it to her yeah oh boy so you and she does a lot she helps you out in your career is that right sometimes she replies to emails for me because she's a better writer okay that's that's pretty good she's good at wording things because i tend to sound like a dick when i word things or be too honest do you have an example of like somebody would send you an email and hey i don't sound like a dick i just i just write it poorly like that'd be great see you there or something like i'm too conversational later yeah to professional people peace ja rule doesn't work right uh

especially when you're writing to ja rule he does not like that no he hates peace mr rule or dr rule i think it is now yeah that's right he finally got his phd in ruling in murder i think um and so what In ruling. In murder, I think. And so what else is that? So are you doing anything special? Everybody who's listening to this is listening to this post-Christmas Kwanzaa text. We won't be able to keep up the charade. We're recording this on December 16th. 2004. Yep.

Because Dave's going away to Thailand, so we've had to, like, backlog a couple episodes so that it can be, you know, regular. Yeah, Thailand. The people demand that we have a weekly episode even when they're on vacation. Yeah. And even when we're on vacation.

Yeah. The internet doesn't, uh, doesn't change when you're on vacation. No. Nah, that's true. It doesn't take a day off. What's to say you couldn't do this from Thailand? I can't bring Graham. Yeah, but you can coincide. You can talk to each other over the internet. You could Skype it, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. We haven't figured that out. Yeah, we're not... There's something to look into. Yeah. Okay. Can we get Olivia to look into that? Maybe. Maybe. I'll get her to write an into. Yeah. Okay. Can we get Olivia to look into that? Maybe.

Maybe. I'll get her to write an email. Yeah, okay. Can she write all my side of the emails and all Graham's side of the emails? Yes. Yes. Yes, she can.

When I say I can, I mean she will. Yeah. Are you doing anything special for the holidays? Not really. Every year I go to a movie with my mom

on Christmas Day. Ooh, lots of choices here. Benjamin Button? That's the one. That's what we're going to do. Usually it's a fantasy-based movie. We did all the Lord of the Rings. L-O-T-R.

We did a couple of Harry Potters. H-P. We did Narnia. Sure. And this year, Benjamin Button. B-B. One year we did House of the Flying Daggers, I think. I think that's a Rapture song.

Oh, no, that's Jet Li. Jet Li? Yeah, I think. I think that's a Rapture song. Oh, no, that's Jet Li? Yeah, Jet Li. And we saw a fight in the movie theater. Really? On Christmas Day. On Christmas Day, someone took someone's seat, and eventually security had to come in and remove a guy. It was this really angry, like, no, fuck it, I don't care.

Man, if that guy was visited by three ghosts, that would definitely be one of the scenes that he shows him. Like, remember when you got in a fight on Christmas Day over his seats in the movie theater? I've never gone to a movie on Christmas, but they release tons of movies on Christmas. One of the busiest movie days of the year. What's coming out this year?

Benjamin Button, The Spirit is another one. That's the day after Christmas, I think. No, I think it's Christmas. The one with Will Smith. Either way, it doesn't matter. Seven pounds. Happiness 2. Seven pounds Happiness 2 Yeah happiness 2

Me cry strongly I think The pursuit of happiness It looks more like Pay it forward And or the Intermittent Windshield wiper movie

I don't like Will Smith When he's not being A smarmy Kind of Smart ass guy I don't like him When he's not a Drunk superhero Yeah no Hancock Am I right Yeah I saw it That would have been A good holiday Great Not being a smarmy, kind of smart-ass guy. I don't like him when he's not a drunk superhero.

Yeah, no, Hancock. Am I right? Yeah, that's fine. That would have been a good holiday. So you go every year. Is it all matinees? Yeah, I'll usually buy the ticket ahead of time. Right.

Because it'll sell out. Really? Yeah. They're full. Yeah, they're full. Yeah, because people don't have anything to do on Christmas Day unless you're cooking. One word, Jews. Right.

Two words, Jews and Hindus. Yeah. And Buddhists. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, everyone who's not Christian doesn't care. Yeah, exactly. Are there.

Also people who don't care. Yeah. That's why I'm there. Well, I was talking on the last episode about my family, how we don't open our Christmas presents until one in the afternoon. But if other families open them at like 7 in the morning so the rest of the day you got nothing to do yeah and like so go to a movie yeah yeah go to movies or get healthy alternative to getting drunk yeah because then you

paces out your day a little bit so you're not getting drunk at 1 in 1 the afternoon right yeah okay so that's good i have a small family it's just me and my mom's so just you and mom yeah my mom's my two moms sorry we were talking about will smith i got urban and you were writing her an email hey mom see yous later my dad's in australia this year so no presents there no responsibility not the movie australia your dad is huge no he didn't go back in time okay so so yeah i was just thinking maybe you and your mom are going to one movie and your dad's going to australia we're gonna go to different movies we're gonna meet in the lobby yeah yeah

you're gonna go to the same theater different movies that's understandable they're divorced so they don't see movies together yeah but they but they meet up in the lobby. But I demand they're in the same building. Yeah, they meet in the lobby. Do this for me. I've only ever done that where people have gone to different movies once. And we met up in the lobby. Well, actually, it was me and my dad and my mom. My mom. Mom?

Mom. I felt like I needed to Americanize it. My mom. Isn't mom keeping it a secret? But my mom is me mother. Let's keep your mom. Your momo. Your mother.

Well, I keep the... Ma? People take the Christ out of Christmas, and I take the mom out of Mother's Day. Does that make any sense? Okay. So she just called her day? Anyway, my dad and I wanted to go see the usual suspects but my mother thought it would be let's just say mother my mother thought it would be too

scary yeah so she went to go so we all went there together but she went and saw how to how to make an american quilt that's a movie yeah it's an instructional video is it an aids quilt i don't remember if it's american it might as well what does that mean what does that mean uh anyway uh do you know something that we don't know what's an aids quilt oh you know an aids quilt i don't do i uh it's a quilt made of special thread it's made of aids blood. They freeze the AIDS blood, they flatten it, they put it in a foodie hydrant. They put it through a pasta maker.

I don't actually know what an AIDS quilt is. I just like referencing it. So you don't actually know? Is that even a thing? It's probably something terrible that I'm making fun of. Well, no, I'm sure it's something inspirational. How do you know that it's not a quilt that spreads AIDS? Like, it's a quilt that they put on...

I assume it's like the run for breast cancer. It's the same sort of deal. Like a bunch of people get together and make a huge quilt for charity or something. You know, you knit it

with an AIDS needle. So, so what, with an AIDS quilt, then you'd get sponsors? And like, people are like, I'll give you five bucks

if you finish your patch. for each panel. Yeah. That's how you make an American AIDS quilt. But anyway, back to my story. My mother went to go see how to make an American quilt. It's in the realm of... Who's in it?

Phil Magnoli. Traveling pants. I believe Winona Ryder. Winona Ryder. Stella got her groove back. Thoroughbirch? No, probably not. Martin Lawrence?

Thoroughbirch Martin Lawrence, probably not. Martin Lawrence? Thoroughbirch, Martin Lawrence. She sat through the previews. Name that movie. She sat through the previews, and then the movie started, and she was like, oh, this can't be right. But she was in the wrong theater, and she realized it, but she didn't want to miss. She just decided to sit through whatever she was watching.

And so she thought the usual suspects would be too scary for her, but she ended up sitting through seven. Oh, that is way scarier. I've never seen the ending, don't ruin it. No? I already know there's a head, but just don't ruin it for me. That is the ending.

Whoever told you there's a head, ruin it for you. I don't know who's head though. It's Winona Ryder's head. Oh, okay. They actually bring it from How to Make an American King. On Mark Lawrence's body. Yeah.

Speaking of scary movies, I saw, I was telling Dave. You saw a scary movie too? I saw a scary movie too. Terrifying. Dan Joffrey was great though. I saw a movie

called Funny Games. Have you ever heard of that? No. It's scarifying. It's Naomi Watts and Tim Roth. Don't ask me. Tim Roth, he's a badass. Yeah, not in this movie.

He gets his ass handed to him. It's about a couple in a cabin that get kind of terrorized by these two psychopaths. Is Tim Roth good? Does he make good movies? He was in Reservoir Dogs. Yeah, he does great stuff. He did The Hulk. But he make good movies? He was in Reservoir Dogs Yeah he does great stuff He did the Hulk

But he was good in the Hulk Yeah he was a badass He was being that shitty kind of Tim Roth is a rebel A film rebel He showed up for Reservoir Dogs drunk Yeah and I think this movie To do the audition

This guy is super convincing in this movie. Like, he's just... He didn't move with Tupac as well. He's super kawaii. They played jazz musicians who were trying to kick heroin for the life of them. They couldn't do it because everyone kept offering them heroin or something like that. What movie was it? I forget what it was called.

And they were too polite to turn them down. It was like an antics movie. Like, they're trying to kick it. They try to go to, like, the... Oh, kicking it. That would be a good movie for They're trying to kick it. They try to go to the... Oh, kicking it. That would be a good movie for it. They try to go to the government place. We were like to sign up for

free methadone. Okay, fill out these forms. It'll be two weeks. Aw, nuts. Go somewhere else. We'd like to sign into this clinic. Things keep going wrong. Is this a comedy? Not really. the way that you're selling yeah i know sounds very silly yeah that's true sounds like it was mostly hijinks based tell me about these

funny games graham uh it's a really it's a weird it's a shot for shot remake of a german film and it's run a little run uh Run. Psycho. That was a shot-for-shot remake. But this guy, the guy who made the original did the shot-for-shot remake just with American actors. It's weird. It's one of the weirder, scary

movies I've ever seen, because at one point, the guy starts talking to the camera, which I've never seen in a horror movie ever. Like Fourth Wall? Yeah. He starts talking to the audience. which I've never seen in a horror movie ever. Like fourth wall? Yeah. He starts talking to the audience. As the actor? As the character.

Right. Does he go, time out? Yeah. And then he switches things around. And then a buck of water falls on Tim Roth's head. Yeah. Yeah, no, he kind of takes a survey of the audience in the middle of the movie,

which really kind of throws things off. And you have to wait for everyone to submit their survey. bet you're on their side uh he says that right to the camera and i was sitting at home watching it by myself i was like how does that's yeah does he know what i'm thinking that is exactly what because it's very hard to side with the bad guys right even though they're very neatly dressed yeah right so that that's tough. They look like summertime good time guys. Oh, wow. Like a nice pair of slacks? Like white shorts and a polo.

Capris? No capris. No, no, no. They're not... Roca wear? Gay men? Lots of Roca wear. I think it's Rocca wear, actually. Is it? Rocca? CEO of the roc hove yeah hova you seem just utterly disappointed by even saying that i never understood jay-z so that's why

what's to understand yeah uh i don't know i saw him at pemberton and everyone's going hova and i never knew that was his nickname i just never understood it i heard he was great at pemberton true or false i if i knew his music yes what was he was great at Pemberton. True or false? If I knew his music, yes. What was the best thing at Pemberton? What's his name? Who wears the ice cream shoes? Pharrell?

Yeah, Pharrell. And he was great because he brought all the women on stage. Were the NERDs there? Yeah, it was NERD. It was everyone. No one ever really dies. Oh, is that what it stands for? Yeah.

Oh. Which is very... What is it? No one ever really dies? It's very symbolic of their music. Yeah. How's that? He just had women on stage grinding him and touching his chest and stuff and he was just singing into their face, basically. Yeah, when I saw them open for Kanye West

a woman fell off the stage and it was awesome. Oh, wow. Not because I like to see a woman come to harm, but it's fun to see someone fall off the stage and it was awesome. Oh, wow. Not because I like to see a woman come to harm, but it's fun to see someone fall off a stage. It is fun to see somebody come to harm. Especially if a woman. Yeah. Especially women.

That's what you're saying. Right, well. I'd like to point out that this is our Christmas in July episode because we are all drinking a Mexican beer with a lime. Yeah. Cerveza importada. Good stuff. Yeah, it's not bad, eh?

I like it. Tastes like beer. Tastes like beer. With a little bit of lime. With half the beer-like qualities. So what else? What else did we want to get to? Dave, anything? Today I was walking down the street and I was walking... I like where this is going.

Walking Grandpa, and I saw the stupidest kid in the world. Go on. Do you have a slingshot hanging out of his back pocket? No, he was stupider than that. He was approaching me, and there was a little uh hockey stick like a like a child's hockey stick about a foot long plastic on the ground and he picked it up novelty stick yeah he well but it might be useful to like a very small person a child fair and he picked it

up and he looked right at me and he was like sir Sir, did you drop this? So he wasn't a stupid and mean kid. He was just a stupid kid. No, he was really stupid. Yeah. Well, how do you know that? That's very polite. But stupid. I mean, you don't drop things ahead of you.

Yeah. Maybe he just was reaching out. Maybe he doesn't have any friends. You don't... Why would I... Why would it be mine? I don't know, because, you know because He's like a Dennis the Menace And you're his Mr. Wilson

You want him to be a havoc wreaker He's going to come over to your house tomorrow He's going to steal the pie That you're cooling on the Mischief merchant You're going to be cooling a pie on the windowsill And he's going to come over and say I think I found your pie or something like that.

That's a hobo. Oh, right. You're getting confused. Yeah. Doesn't Dennis the Menace steal pies? Wasn't that kind of a thing? He wasn't a fat kid. No, but the kids have high metabolism, right? Yeah. No, so I'm thinking of a different guy. I'm thinking of hobos. Give him the chance. He'll steal anything.

What would Dennis the Menace do? No, I'm wondering where the pie cooling on the... WWDDD? Yeah. Where does the pie cooling on the windowsill come from? It's a very popular... America. Yeah, but it seems like...

Is it Bazooka Joe? Is it Dennis the Menace? No, I think... I think it's Hobos. I think Tess is right. It's Hobos. It's kind of like the... What do you call it? Norman Rockwell paintings. I think that's Hobo I think Tess is right It's Hobos It's kind of like the What do you call it

Norman Rockwell paintings I think that's where it came from I think it's also quite popular In the dandy comics From Britain Britain Yeah yeah yeah Like you know

That big lumberjack guy Desperate Dan Desperate Dan Yeah yeah I think he would steal pies But they were meat pies Right and disgusting They were meat pies

Kidney pies They were called cow pies They had horns and a tail Yeah that's right. It was a whole cow in a pie. I used to read those when I was a kid. But a cow pie is...

And not understand when they're talking about it. That was the big joke. They'd always be eating crisps. And I was like, what? I don't understand. That's just a description

of how they are. Yeah, there was a Dennis the Menace that was the British version of Dennis the Menace. Do you remember that? No. I grew up reading Dennis the Menace comics.

The British version of Dennis the Menace was he wore like a Freddy Krueger style kind of striped rugby sweater. And he had like spiky black hair. He looked kind of like Sid Vicious. Was it also written by Hank Ketchum? It was in a comic called Beano. Oh, Beano. Yeah, sure, sure.

Was it Beano? I know exactly who you're talking about. And then he had a little dog. And he looked like a little Sid Vicious. And then he would beat up a guy called Walter the Softy, which was a very thinly-veiled illusion that Walter was gay. Like he was always saying sort of gay-type things. What about Wimpy from Popeye? Was he gay?

No, he just liked hamburgers. How does that make him Wimpy? No, that was just a nickname. He was just obese. He was probably the weakest of the men in town, what with Bluto and Popeye living there. Constant fisticuffs. Yeah, even Sweet Pea was probably tougher than Wimpy. All Wimpy did was eat hamburgers.

Sweet Pea was the child of Popeye, and I think he was a nephew. I don't think that Popeye actually ever... Was Sweet Pea there at the beginning, or did they jump the shark? Jump the shark. Sweet Pea was a foundling, as far as i know oh so they just i just watched the robert altman version within a couple years i just watched it yeah i just watched within a couple years it is 2004 right okay actually in a couple years, I will watch the Robert Alton podcast. I'm pretty sure he was a foundling. And they sang a song quickly. And that kind of stitched it all up?

Yeah. What was Brutus' deal? Bluto. Bluto. Who the hell am I thinking of? You're thinking of Brutus. Yeah, that's the barber beefcake? Or Caesar's nemesis?

Yeah, Caesar's nemesis. That's the other thing. Speaking of Brutus the Barber Beefcake, Hulk Hogan now has another reality show on TV called Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling. Not his daughter. No, no, no. Brooke Hogan. She's yesterday's news. Oh, I've seen an ad for that.

That's right. It's got Brutus the Barber Beefcake as one of the wrestling coaches. It's got your Bonaduce Your Screech I think Tiffany is on it She's not looking so good Is that a thing? Do they have any gorgeous ladies Wrestling to coach her?

No, there's no women coaches It's one of the guys from the Nasty Boys And Brutus the Barber Beefcake Who were the Nasty Boys? They were like a wrestling tag team i only remember the bushwhackers and demolition yeah accents and men on a mission i don't remember that mom two fat black guys right with dyed blonde hair okay all right so anyways i think that's in the running for my new favorite tv show and you haven't even seen it yet.

I saw 10 minutes of it and I had to leave the house and I was really upset. You're always upset when you have to leave the house. I like Maid. Have you seen Maid? In TV's Maid? Yeah. Is that when they try to make you look like another person or something? No, it's not a makeover.

They take kids in high school. That's right. I don't know. But Maid is when they take kids in high school and they give them... Like a kid wants to be a boxer or a ballroom dancer. I want to be a journalist. Oh, I've seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw somebody, they wanted to be prom queen, I think.

Yeah, sure. I want to win a popularity contest. One kid wanted to be a muscle builder. Like a... Bodybuilder? Bodybuilder, yeah. Wow. And he was kind of chubby, but they still put the tan on him and he went out and did builder. Like a bodybuilder? Bodybuilder, yeah. Wow. And he was kind of chubby, but they still put the tan on him, and he went out and did it.

And he was still fat, though? Kind of, but, you know, good for him. So what, they only do it in a week? They don't really actually get any results? No, they do it over the course of two months. Oh, okay. So he didn't stick with the program at all? He just took the tan and then flexed?

We'll never know. Maybe they look in the future. I'm not sure. I used to watch My Super Sweet 16. Yeah, me too. That was one. That's great.

Because it's one of those shows that really does, it makes you just angry at the television. We talked a bit about it last week. Did we? With 50 Cent at a bar mitzvah. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Really? They got 50 Cent? I haven't found the clip yet. Was it a bat mitzvah? I think it was a bar. I don't know yet. What's the difference? A bat mitzvah is for a girl. Oh.

I call it bat mitzvah. What a girl wants. What a girl wants. But during your bat mitzvah, Gentiles are visited by their aunt Flo, whereas Jews are visited by their aunt... Sperm? I can't think of a...

Oh, like Flo-wits or something? Is that what you were going for? Flo-stein. Flo-stein. Flo-jo. Not great. You sure it's not my one? Sperm? No. Alright.

I don't think you understood anything. Speaking of all things youth-oriented. Oh, plenty of things. Kids-only market. Someone was talking to me about kids-only market. It's all kids market now. It's not kids-only anymore. So adults can finally go in?

Except for that little door. That's on Gran island gravel island vancouver there's a little mall for kids called kids only market now kids market and when i was a kid my sisters loved it and i my dad would take them there and i was like dad you can't go yeah that must have been really bad for business what with kids not having any money yeah yeah a lot of things they want well the parents hang out outside in the caboose at waffles and meows yeah waffles and meows that's right that's where the parents go and then the kids go in and there's a brew pub across the street yeah that's true also did you you had something yes sir oh no no no absolutely uh

there was this i saw an ad for a modern version of the mini pops. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see that all the time. Channel 50. Yeah, I thought that was done. I thought that was a thing of the past. I don't think it's ever been done. Really?

I don't think it's ever been done. I think it's new. I don't think it ever finished. Who are these mini pops? It never finished. So it was really strange because I've not seen their... Kind of like the Chipmunks, too. They never really went away.

They were always under the radar putting out new songs every year. Yeah, like G.I. Joe, Sigma Six. It's like, what's that? Or when Transformers turned into dinosaurs. Like the franchise has just kept going. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So mini-pops have been putting out albums consistently?

I don't know, but I assume. Because seeing them sing whatever they were singing, brand new songs, T.I. songs and whatnot, that seems inappropriate. Yeah.

At the best of them. A date and a stripper and falling in love with a stripper. Is that Soul's album? I don't know who that is.

Anyways, I just thought that was weird. I didn't realize that it was... I think that's Nick Cannon, actually. Nick Cannon? I fell in love with a stripper. In a song? Nick Cannon song.

Okay. Nick Carter? No, Cannon. Nick Cannon sang songs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, oh man. That guy's a... He's a quadruple threat.

He's an actor, dancer, singer, lover of Mariah Carey. Stand-up comedian. He's not. Yeah. What? Have lover of Mariah Carey. A stand-up comedian. He's not. Yeah. What? Have you ever seen Wild N' Out? Yeah.

And see, that's what I base my surprise on. I see. You know. He married Mariah Carey. So I guess it worked out pretty well for him. I mean, if that's the end goal, to marry Mariah Carey, I guess he wins. Yeah. Mission complete.

Exactly. It's not too late for you. It is. You got matching tattoos she's been married before she'll be married again who's your mariah carey i thought it was mariah carey oh well i guess not i gotta find a new mariah mine is nick cannon i propose some sort of crazy game yeah we split them kind of parent trap I'll play the groundskeeper Yeah?

Yeah, I'll just help you I could use the groundskeeper Especially with that hat Would you be a wise groundskeeper? Or just like a goofy groundskeeper? I'd be a goofy Goofy Nice

Kind of like Caddyshack A Bill Murray or a Dan Aykroyd in Caddyshack 2? I'm referencing things I haven't seen Let's just stop You've never seen Caddyshack?. I'm referencing things I haven't seen. Let's just stop. You've never seen Caddyshack? Not since I was a little kid. It holds up.

Does it still? Yeah. Like Stripes? Does Stripes hold up? I thought it did, but I'm... Have you seen it since? Eh, no. So you just assume

that Stripes holds up? I'll do this a lot. A lot of the classic comedies do not. Yeah. But I think Caddyshack... Weird Science still holds up? I'll do this a lot. A lot of the classic comedies do not. Yeah. But I think Catty Shepard... Weird Science still holds up for me.

Really? I have so many great memories. I taped that off the TV and watched it over and over again just to see the girl's clothes get ripped off and she's hanging there in her bra and panties. But Weird Science was terrible to begin with. Yeah, but it's...

So it holds up and yeah because of that yeah is there a motorcycle that drives around a party in that movie but that classic bald guy who's in a lot of stuff yeah yeah yeah the crazy angry looking bald guy yeah you know he has like really big nose and weird ear like tiny ears they look too small for his head what else has he been in everything in the 80s maybe Maybe something Mad Max, I think. Probably Mad Max. Probably anything that... Requires a weird janitor or groundskeeper, actually. How old was he at the time?

Yeah. Yeah. Probably. How old was he at the time? 30s. Okay. I don't know. I don't know who you're talking about.

There was a tough... Like a guy that needed to be tough in a scene. He was hired. He was like... Yeah. He was like... Who's that guy the mexican guy that you always see he's always in the prison scene in that quentin tarantino movie

yeah or danny trejo yeah and also uh and also what's his name for revenge of the nerds booger no ogre no the guy that did all the sound effects logger mike winzo no No, I'm joking. Ogre, yes, Ogre. Logger, did you say? I said Logger, yeah. That's a funny joke. Yeah, the gay black guy. Yeah, him. I don't remember a gay black guy. In Revenge of the Nerds? Yeah.

He was the one that rapped at the end. Which is so confusing. Which stereotype are you going with? They gave him a javelin that was floppy, so it matched his limp-wristed throwing motion. It really worked. I've only seen that movie once, and it was when I was eight.

It still holds up. It holds up. After all these years? There's just naked women. My dad rented it for me when I was a kid and there's just like full frontal nudity it was like did your parents get divorced immediately afterwards i think so that was it when they told you that you aren't the cause of the divorce they were actually no this is a product of my dad being a single dad and when i stayed with him i could rent whatever movie i wanted because dad's number one yeah you watched porkies yeah yeah when i was young but that was more out of a uh never seen it

canadian heritage type thing for real like it was rented because it was canadian not because it was anything else no not by me i see it was rented for us under the auspice that it was a Canadian film and that it was going to be like a fun romp. It was nothing but nudity. It was the most successful Canadian movie of all time for a long time. Yeah, it was on my friend's house

that we saw it. I think Men with Brooms. Incorrect. The answer is Air Bud. Oh. Air Bud was what beat it up. Really? Wow. Yeah. Air Bud. Air Bud. Incorrect. The answer is Air Bud. Oh. Air Bud was what beat it up. Really? Wow. Yeah. Air Bud. Air Bud.

Number one. And they're still going strong. That is also another thing that has never stopped, but it's been under the radar. They're still making Air Buds. I know that as a fact because past guest, Mr. Phil Hanley, is one of the people who writes those. He writes? Yeah. And is maybe in them?

No. No. He writes. He just writes. A lot of local comedians are in He writes? Yeah. And is maybe in them? No, no, he writes. He just writes. A lot of local comedians are in those movies. Yeah, what was the one? Ian Bagg, a guy I worked with, Ian Bagg was in.

No, that was Most Valuable Primate. He was in. Same company, though. Same thing, yeah. Wouldn't that be weird if it was a completely different company and they just put them out completely unwittingly of each other?

My friend had to, my friend was an editor, or like an assistant editor at the company that made those movies. And he... Once they had an idea for a movie and he had to just throw together a bunch of footage.

And it was... The idea was... The movie never got made, but it was about a crumping chihuahua. No! What? So he had to throw together footage from crumping is so obscure people don't understand what it means now like why

david la chapelle's rise yeah with this chihuahua really yeah and like a two minute thing where can i rent it uh it was never made but they pitched it to to disney but do you think that when they pitched that to disney that that was the spark that lit the fire that eventually became beverly hills chihuahua i i you know what crumping never really took off like they wanted it to like break dancing like it never right it's still under the radar it's still going on it's it's still good sure sure so like 10 years from now and I see an ad for the best of Crumping DVD, I'm like, what? I once rented a video called Crumping vs. Breaking, hosted by Todd Bridges from Different Strokes.

Yeah. And they treated it really seriously. We got one of the best breaking crews in the world, and we got the best crumping crew, and we're going to figure out who is better. And there's this whole long documentary documentary and eventually it ended with a tie and the both the crews are like like mad yeah i would like pushing shit over like this is both like why do you waste our time you're just gonna do this todd bridges is also on that hulk hogan wrestling show of course of course he is yes so what exactly, for our listeners out there, and for me,

I know I've seen crumping, I've heard of it, but what's the basic precept of it? It just seems like it's really fast dancing. It's a lot of fast dancing and flailing, and there's also, pardon me if I seem out of touch, as like an old white guy. It just seems like a lot of flailing. But it's inspired by your emotion. So it's supposed to be an outlet for

angry urban youth. What about the clown part? A lot of them are in clown makeup. Yeah, that's a little bit weird. It goes back to popping and locking a little bit. If you look at the old popper and lockers, they have the striped socks and the baggy

pants and they almost look like a clown. And the crazy rerun hat basically they look like rerun uh they do like all these crazy moves and but i don't really know okay well we got that tattled yeah yeah well we didn't really we still don't know who dominates breaking or crumping well i think todd bridges was pussy for not putting this to bed. This is a debate that's obviously raged on the country and this was his chance, right? Well, he had outside judges and they all agreed, like, they all seem pretty angry.

Let's not make anyone win. I think. They all seem pretty angry. Just a show of hands, who votes for breaking? All three of us voted breaking. Yeah, yeah.

I thought this was going to be a... Whatever you call it. Anonymous vote. Okay, and who votes for crumping? It's a tie. It's a tie. Oh! They're both so different. How could you judge?

How could you judge? Apples or oranges? Apples. I like apples. Sorry, apples. Sorry, apples. The majority is walking around blind. Because oranges.

Really? Top drawer. Top drawer? Yeah. No? Bottom drawer? Fridge. Yeah, crisper. Bottom drawer. Yeah. No? Put them in the fridge. Bottom drawer? Fridge. Oh, yeah.

Crisper. Put them in the crisper. Bottom drawer. My apologies to the orange farmers of North America. Now, Ron, we want to move on to some overheards. Why the F not? I don't know what it is. Overheard. Overheards.

First of all, we've had people in the past who've written in and been like... Did you say past or pasta? We've had people in like a tortellini. You said it sounded like pasta. We've had people in the past who've... You mean like 2001? Yeah. Okay.

And who've asked, who want more clarification about how well we know the guest. Oh, right, and how we know the guest. Sure, like who the hell am I? No one fucking knows who I am. Yeah, we don't think we gave enough about that. Taz is a member of the Sunday Service who are an improv troupe who have a weekly show at the Hennessy in Vancouver, probably the best improv show in town.

I would say without even kind of raising my voice like it's a question, I would say it's the best improv show in town. I would say without even kind of raising my voice like it's a question, I would say it's the best improv show in town. I'll take it. I also work with Vancouver Theatre Sports League. Probably the second best improv show in town. Yeah, sure. It's larger. Yeah, it's larger. There's like 30 members.

Yeah. It's a company that actually makes money. We don't make money at Sunday Service. And also, you are a big part of the scene here. You're like, you run your own show, and you do other people's shows. You're a big part of the scene. Yes, I also do urban improv on Monday nights at Savannah. You were talking about how you were a working actor, and none of it is from the screen.

No, no, not at all. It's all the stage. It's all stage or corporate Christmas shows. And I just would like to point out that Taz and I went to high school together. Who didn't you go to high school with? I didn't go with Dan Werb, just elementary school. But you knew him in high school. Yeah, I've known him my whole life.

Yeah, there you go. But Taz was my improv coach. Yep. Nice. When Dave Schumacher was doing improv in high school. Mm-hmm. Back in 97. 97, 98.

Yep. And then you gave it up. Gave it up. Does that make you a quitter or are you not a very good coach? It's a combination of the two. Yeah. Okay. I don't know that there...

I thought I was a good coach at the time, but looking back, I probably wasn't enough. Because if you see a movie like Glory Road, the coach there really inspired the team to go, you know, to the top. So, I don't know

if it's the coach's fault or if you were just a lousy participant. Glory Road is an obscure movie. Is it? But a great song. John Buehler references it in a pretty great joke.

So, yeah. That's who Taz is. Get off my back. And I've known Graham for... Quite a few years. Yeah, I'd say quite a few years. You've come and done the Sunday service a bunch of times. Yeah, and we've been on a bunch of shows together. We've been at the Canadian Comedy Awards together.

This was your third year going, is second and uh did you win no no it's my second year nominated and losing yeah you're gonna maybe three times the charm that's what i'm hoping maybe i'm hoping if i go back for the third year i also did uh stand up at at the laugh gallery back when it was at uh that's right way way back way way back yeah i had some great bits about uh masturbating and stuff breaking a new comedy ground my dad came to that show did it yeah nice that was the third time and i think the last time i've ever done stand-up that's a weird thing because a lot of people in improv have given stand-up a whirl not really cared for it and then it wasn't that they weren't good at it.

They just kind of did it like a couple of times. Jason Bryden did it quite a few times, and then... It's harder. They just said, yeah, it was a lot more stressful. I don't like repeating myself. Yeah, yeah. That's the problem I have with it.

With improv, it's something fresh and new, and I can fall back on people I'm with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If things aren't going well. With stand-up, you're up there by yourself and repeating yourself. So I start to get sick of what I'm saying. And then I start to question it. After three shows.

I did. I don't know. What can I say? Yeah, you're like, I'm fresh. I can't. No offense to your art. Oh, no. None taken.

It's just more meticulous. And I guess I don't have the patience. And that's, yeah. Well, maybe if you've got your girlfriend to write jokes for you. Maybe. I'll see what she can do. And email them to me. These are proper jokes. We were going to go do some overheards.

Let's play that theme again. Overheard. Taz, we like to start with a guest. And I understand you've had an overheard saved up since you were originally booked on the show. This comes from when I was in Whistler at Crankworx Festival, which is a mountain bike festival. I think everyone knows what Crankworx is. I don't think they do. Is it Crankworx with an X?

Yes, I think it is. I don't know. I don't know, actually. I was just there. But I was working with Sean Devlin, who got me a job. No, this time I was hosting iPod battles. We'll get into that later.

That's not a thing. We'll get into that later. It is a thing. For Energizer. You got these French Ferdinand songs? I got them. You'll see. But this is what I heard. An older

British woman was on her phone and she looked livid. Her face was kind of red. And she was saying this, Well, I don't care. You know what looks retarded? Your head under the back of a bus. That's what looks retarded. And she was so angry.

And then I kept walking. That's all I heard. But I can only imagine that she was talking to her son or someone kept walking that's all i heard but all i can only imagine that she was talking to her son or someone who didn't want to wear a helmet and it's just a funny like that's not what retarded looks like at all and uh helmet's not gonna help you if you're in the back of a bus a helmet's not gonna you're still gonna get crushed like it looks tardy i don't care might contain the mess don't care british mom so delightful so that's my overheard i don't think she knows the proper term retarded it's more horrific that would look horrific yeah well i think maybe he meant yeah

because he was saying mom i'll look retarded and i'll tell you what i'll look retarded i'll spin your head under a bus yeah but usually when when young people use the term retarded, they don't necessarily mean retarded. But I guess an individual wearing a helmet may be retarded. Mentally slowed. Slowed. To put it nicely. Mentally slowed. That's not a retarded, sorry.

Here's an overheard that I had. It was from a television news. Actually, it was the morning show. You overheard it on? Yeah, on TV. I didn't know that counted. I'm grasping at straws here. I was watching the...

What's the CTV morning show? Canada AM, which is like a today show equivalent where there's like urban rush yeah no it's got uh it's got people uh doing segments and then they'll they'll throw to the uh news does it have giant bacon and eggs in the background no like plush plush that people can sit on are there children sitting in race cars bacon and eggs you clap over your head that's a reference to uh kid street yeah or was it late 80s or early 90s wait what was the bacon and eggs from uh was that a thing downtown beside uh virgin is virgin still there on Robson and Burrard?

Yeah. No, it's now HMV. HMV. Sorry. What's next door to it, though? CTV. CTV. CTV.

I swear to God, I thought they had huge bacon and eggs there, and they did it for the morning show. It was just kind of in the background. Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah, they did. They used to have... It was like a bacon and eggs theme, and they had eggs... They were hanging from the ceiling.

I don't get up early ever, so. It was like wavy bacons and eggs, and hanging like a mobile from the roof. Anyway. Maybe that's it. The CTV morning show. I don't research my reference. Go on. It's Canada AM.

They have segments, and then they every. With Seamus McDermott? Seamus something. Okay. Theoniform. There's like three hosts. It's a different show. Two hosts and a weather guy.

And then every 15 minutes they throw to the news. And there's like a news desk in the corner of the studio. Real news or like? It's real news. Like gag news. A monkey ate a helicopter. All this in pandemonium. Why not pandamanium.

Why not pandemonium? Because it's like the opening of some panda exhibit somewhere. Yeah, but panda is consistent in both words. That's true. I know, but... Pandamonium. There we go. There you go. Back on track.

Yeah, and so the news reporter did the news, and then the last story was kind of like a jokey but it was a real piece about this invention it was this toilet that had a fan in it uh that would transport the smell from the toilet to this pipe and the pipe would would transport it out of the house wow and then they went back to the studio and and the people were laughing about that story and uh they kept talking with the news lady and they're talking about oh you know it's a good thing the pipe goes out of the house and hopefully they don't accidentally pipe it into the next room and uh then one guy said oh they uh there's actually this product you can use called just a drop

and you put that in the toilet first and it works great and everyone turned on him like he was the poop expert and it was everyone started make making fun of this guy for being like mr. poop yeah well the morning show? Yeah. Wow. It was literally people who were acting like their shit didn't stink. I bet their phone lines lit up like crazy.

Yeah, they got one call from me. Just a drop? I want to know. Yeah, I'm kind of curious about this product. I want to know about it. I've looked it up.

It's just a drop. You put a drop in before and it's like a eucalyptus. Does it say in the commercial before you take a crap one drop it's like baking soda um that's my favorite visual is when like on the febreze commercials where the like febreze bubble captures a like brown kind of stink cloud yeah in the bubble and that's how it neutralizes it. Oh, that makes sense. That's how they explain it to

consumers. It's like Pac-Man. So when you have a smelly smell, it's a brown fart cloud. And our dynamic stench bubbles capture, they capture the fart smell. I also like it when they're more like Bubble Bobble.

It's like Bubble Bobble. Isn't there Bubble Trouble? Or what's the one with no double trouble marble madness you're talking about the pop-o-matic bubble you know double trouble is the one where you shoot the bubbles and you have to make combos what's the one where you press the thing marble madness plenty of games with pop-o-matic levels. Yeah, but wasn't there one that advertised it as being... Yeah, Trouble. It was just singular Trouble. That's a rhyme. What about Mousetrap? What about it?

I'd just set that up and play it over and over again. Yeah. No actual game. Yeah, no, I would. I was an only child. I would literally just set up Mousetrap over and over again and i'd disassemble it that's the saddest thing ever hey it's fun would you assemble it do it one time then disassemble it or not even do it at all no i'd probably do it a couple times and then

i'd i'd try to make different areas now was that the one with nathan lane yes yeah yeah birdcage I have one with Nathan Lane. Yeah. Yeah, Birdcage. What was the board game, Volcano Island? Was that a thing? No, you're thinking of... No, I don't know what you're thinking of. No, I swear, there was a board game called, like, Volcano Something.

It had a big plastic volcano, and marbles were involved somehow. Do you want to... I don't have an overheard of my very own. Oh, okay. Well, my story from the news from six months ago Was pretty good But Oh, you were going to read this one

And I'll read the other one Okay, yeah, we've got a couple sent in This was sent in from a listener named Mike H No, he wants the full name He says it right there He says, please use my full name None of this first name initial. Last initial garbage. Oh, wow. What is he promoting?

I don't know. MikeHollingsworth.com, maybe? MikeHollingsworth, the star of Seven Pounds. Seven Pounds. Is that the Will Smith one? So he's Will Smith. That's what you're saying. I'm just saying he's promoting it. This was sent in by Will S.

While my wife and I were in our car jada pinkett uh waiting to exit a parking garage here in los angeles waiting to exhale so in los angeles it's clearly will smith uh i spotted several pigeons pecking around near a panhandler i started complaining about how there were too many pigeons and that something should be done about it. My wife was unresponsive. The line of cars started moving, and just as I was rolling down my window to swipe my card at the gate, a brilliant solution occurred to me, and I blurted it out. They should feed the pigeons to the homeless. The parking attendant's face changed from a forced smile to a serious frown.

I quickly sped away. Yeah, so that was him being overheard. That's an over-said, as he described it. So that's a first time for that. Yeah. I got a bit. As I was going into my gated community in LA. I saw this homeless guy. Yeah, this guy's really anti-homeless.

Yeah, I'm not sure about why... Because his contention is we should feed pigeons to... If the homeless wanted to eat pigeons, they could do it without... We wouldn't have to feed them to them. They're there already. Yeah. If the panhandlers want the pigeons,

go out and get them. I think that's probably. If the panhandlers want the pigeons, go out and get them. I think that's probably why they became panhandlers. Because they want to eat pigeons? No, because they didn't have that go-getter attitude. I think if your go-getter attitude leads you to eating pigeons, then you don't really have what is truly known as a

go-getter attitude. Do you think? Why? Is it me who's wrong? Yeah. Again? I'm pretty sure I heard this joke in like a robin williams bit from 1986 here's a funny thing about williams my friend was reading um these uh like they i guess they were like twitter entries entries during uh robin will Williams' show here in Vancouver. Someone was live twittering the Robin Williams show. Yeah. Good for them.

And so they were just writing jokes that he said. And one of them was I drive a... What was it? He's like, oh, gas is so expensive these days. Well, not the car I drive. I drive a Chevy Colon. I just eat one bean

burrito and i don't have to fill up for the rest of the day that was literally it was a why go grant why go green when you can go brown that was also written up in a newspaper article or something that that was like well what's the best thing we can i guess we can quote this one yeah this is topical yeah yeah now is that that's clearly a case of he says things so fast that you don't realize that that's the most terrible joke ever written. Yeah, he just says them so fast you don't realize they're not funny. Because, yeah, if I said that during stand-up, I'm sure I would be one step away from being lynched

for being like, wow, Colin, brown power. Wait, you guys didn't like that? Was that you who was tweeting that? Yeah, when his jokes fall flat, they do not fall flat. Because he keeps going. Yeah. He's sore like an eagle. He shall overcome.

Graham's got an overheard that he wants to read from Ted T. Yeah, somebody who's calling themselves Ted Turner. I think that we can say it's Ted Turner, because that's not a real name. He's not actually named Ted T. Yeah, somebody who's calling themselves Ted Turner. I think that we can say it's Ted Turner because that's not a real name. He's not actually named Ted Turner. There's only one Ted Turner, and he's down in the States. Yeah, he bought the rights to that name. That's right. He can afford it.

Theodore T. Where's he from? He's from the battleground state of Toronto. Toronto. Battleground. He's from the battleground state of Toronto. Toronto. Battleground. But he was talking about he was watching a global news podcast at work.

And he said, my mind drifted from the podcast a bit, and I was more focused on my work, which I guess is good, when all of a sudden I hear, this rogue band of tubas are about to steal Christmas. sudden i hear this rogue band of tubas are about to steal christmas so that's uh i don't know that the great part is that at no point did he feel that he had to fill us in on what that story was actually about i had a dream and then i woke up and i thought this i wasn't paying attention uh this gentleman also wrote uh that i think dave shumka should be mariska hargitay's stunt double on law & Order SVU because we have an identical side profile, which I believe is the only kind of

profile one can have. To the left. Look to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left. Look over there. Yeah, it's not bad, actually. I'll go check out these jugs. Yeah, I think he meant the full body, not just the face. I have a picture of Mariska Hargitay With a monkey on my twitter page

Is that part of the fake news? What? Nothing You think that that was fake news? Maybe I think that I mean the bacon and egg news Bacon and egg morning show What I'm talking about. The fake news. The bacon and egg news.

Bacon and egg morning show? Yeah, that's the one. So we're going to do a stunt casting. Are you an actor? Are you looking for work? Stunt casting. Stunt casting. Stunt. Stunt casting. Stunt casting. Powder. Danny DeVito. Taxi Cab the movie. Danny Glover. Martin Short. Anyone in the movie pure luck. Stunt casting.

Pure luck. Stuntcasting. For anybody who's never heard stuntcasting, it's been a while since we did it. Emmett Hall, I think, was the last time that we did it. What was the one he did? Star Trek, The Next Generation. Oh, yeah.

And the thing is, it's based on the concept that everything is just going to get remade into a movie. I'm sure they're working on an Archie movie. Because, you know, Hollywood's run dry. So they're just remaking everything. No, it's cyclical. If we're going to make an Archie movie, who would we cast? The obvious one for Archie

is Ron Howard, circa 70s. Or early 80s. I actually mentioned this on our blog because people were trying to stunt cast Back to the Future without our consent. But you have our consent. And people suggested

Topher Grace for Marty McFly. Topher Grace from that It would have been a child then. No, I think you're misunderstanding the concept of We're not going back in time to cast these things. Okay. We're casting like a new...

Can I go back in time? No. You have to use today's... So it has to be now? Yeah. Oh, I don't know people now. All right, let's do this. If you were going to cast Ron Howard, it would have to be modern day Ron Howard.

Yeah, it would have to be bald 55-year-old Ron Howard. That's fair. That's fair. Okay. And so I had a theory that... well, not a theory, a suggestion, that Topher Grace would be a good Archie from that 70s show. He's not a redhead. And the two girls from that 70s show would be a good Betty and Veronica.

Ooh, so you're just taking, like, Mira Servinus Might as well put Ashton Kutcher as Reggie And be done with it Ashton Kutcher is too tall to be Reggie What we need for Archie is a guy with a tic-tac-toe On the side of his orange hair Danny Bonaduce, that's my vote

There really aren't very many red-headed actors Danny Bonaduce Or David Caruso Angelica Houston in her heyday as Veronica Okay, so we've Or David Caruso. Angelica Houston in her heyday as Veronica. Okay, so we've got David Caruso. We're going back in time again. Can we say David Caruso as Archie? I like David Caruso for Archie.

Yeah, he's intense. He's too old, though. Of course. Yeah, it doesn't matter. But we're looking for star power and intensity. Sure, sure, sure. Which he's got in spades. David Caruso has never had a film flop.

Yeah, you know, Kings of New York? Yeah, Jade. Jailed it. I'd like to nominate Ogre for Moose. Ogre is Moose. I don't care how old he is. Shave that beard off. He'll be fine.

Is there a large... I was going to say the guy from ER that was also... Kubiak? Oh, Kubiak. Yeah, actually, he'd be great. He doesn't really age. He's kind of an ogre. Yeah.

He would be great as Moose. I'm a Jughead. Nick Cannon. Switch it up, make him black, it's fine. I feel like Moose... Let's go back to Moose, please. Okay, okay. Is there like a young,

blonde, oaf? How about the guy from My Name is Earl? Maybe. He's not fat enough anymore, though. I'm thinking Kubiak. What about the guy from Election and American Pie? You know, the kind of bigger guy that breaks his leg in Election?

Just kind? Yeah, but you put a bit of pounds on him? his leg in an election. Just climb? Yeah. But you put a bit of pounds on him. He's a big guy. He's tall. What about the fat guy from Varsity Blues? He's more of a Reggie, I think. Oh, yeah.

That guy. Yeah. Well, I don't know his name. Oh, the big fat guy? Yeah. That wears a cowboy hat? He gets too many concussions. Yeah, he could be.

I mean, you know. All right. Who cares? Paul Rudd would be a good Reggie He's got the sarcasm We need to settle on a Moose So we're starting at Moose? My vote is for Kubiak

Yeah, I'm going to go with Kubiak So we've got Kubiak, we've got Dave Caruso Breakdancing? Or crumping? Okay It's a tie Okay, Paul Rudd for Reggie He's in the running anyways Or crumping. Okay. It's a tie. It's a tie. Okay. Paul Rudd for Reggie. He's in the running anyways.

Any... I like it. I like it too. It's pretty good. His name looks good on a poster. He's so handsome. Okay. Jughead then?

And he's an asshole. So, okay. We've got... Well, we're zipping through this. Caruso? Yeah. I never agreed on that. You don't agree on that?

I don't have a better idea. Yeah. Think of another red-headed actor. know exactly lindsey lohan renee ruse one of the kids from uh zach and what's his sweet life cody they have blonde hair yeah yeah see no we can't dye their hair one of the jonas brothers that's true they are red-headed they're the most popular i was was watching That's So Raven. It's hard to watch. Did you know that Raven can see the future? Yeah, she's got all sorts of superpowers. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. And she's also really hippie. Big hips. Oh, big hips. I see. Okay, back to Okay what are we I got nothing for Archie

So I guess we're gonna have to Okay Caruso Settle Yeah David Caruso Carousing Okay Jughead Jughead Jughead

Okay Dopey Skinny Skinny but loves food Loves Midge Oh man Or wait Midge with Moose Midge with Moose Oh you know who I'm thinking?

The guy from Road Trip and the new kid. Oh, DJ Qualls. DJ Qualls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a crown on DJ Qualls. For some reason, he's in a slow play. DJ Qualls. Yeah, yeah.

I like it. I'm mad at it. He can do that shit. Okay, you're better. Is there a skinnier actor? Christian Bale in The Machinist? Too intense. Not from Batman, that's for sure.

Is there a method actor who's willing to lose weight and still eat a lot? What about Adrian Brody? Adrian Brody, I was just about to say that, yeah. Big nose, skinny. I think I like Adrian Brody, because the cast is a little bit older. Yeah, higher profile than DJ Quartz. Yeah, this is going to be a $200 million movie.

Even though Hustle & Flow did win an Oscar. Mm-hmm. For Best Song. For 3-6 Mafia. Hard out here for a pimp. Okay. So then,

a Betty, a Veronica. Okay. Okay. Betty. Betty's blonde. Yeah. It should be easy.

Should be a Reese Witherspoon, but she's too... Alicia Cuthbert. Ooh. Yeah. I's blonde. Yeah. It should be easy. Should be a Reese Witherspoon, but she's too... Alicia Cuthbert. Ooh. Yeah, I like that. Betty is the sweet one. Really, like, everyone loves her. Kind of a...

What about... Rachel McAdams, kind of a... Rachel McAdams. Is she the one from The Notebook? Yep. Hayden Panicere. Hayden Panicere. That's all good.

Ooh, yeah, I like her as Betty Really, I can go any which way with Betty She's pretty homegirl A Mandy Moore Yeah, Mandy Moore's a little too sickly sweet And she's a brunette She's not a convincing blonde What about from her singing career?

Oh, yes Yes, then That was a song, right? Who did we pick? What about from her singing career? Oh, yes. Yes, then. Yes. Okay. Walk to Remember. All right. Well, which one? That was a song, right? Who did we pick? I like the Hayden... Panic Chair?

Yeah. Panic Chair. Yeah, she's good. Neutrogena model Hayden Panic Chair. Or the other girl from Heroes from Veronica Mars, too. Actually, I like her better, even. Who is that? She has electricity.

The girl who played veronica oh right yeah yeah hayden panic she was also in uh forgetting sarah marshall yeah that girl whatever her name is uh we'll come up with it don't email us yeah um okay veronica amy whitehouse whoa she's not a junkie she was rich she's You're right. She's a rich B-word. I don't know anyone else with black hair. I like... I don't know any other white girls with black hair. Your vote for the girl from that 70s show was... I like that. Mila Kunis?

Mila Kunis. She's too foreign looking. Why don't we just... She's too swarthy. She is. She's too swarthy? Someone pale, pale, pale with black hair. Exactly.

We need like a Snow White sort of thing. Why pale, pale, pale? Because he said Winona Ryder. Winona Ryder? Not bad. She's got to be somebody you can play like a real stuck up type of...

Like a Richie Rich type. Like a Macaulay Culkin. There you go. There you go, Macaulay Culkin. There you go. Macaulay Culkin. There you go, Macaulay Culkin. Why not that girl who plays Hannah Montana? Miley Cyrus? I don't think that's her.

Smiley Rirus? Smiley Virus. If we all get infected with the Smiley Virus, I'm going to her house first. Christina Ricci. She's too short. She's very pale and black haired though. Give me that. Too short.

How about the late Betty Page? How about the one who played Betty Page? Just give it a rest. Gretchen Maul? Gretchen Maul. How about a Gretchen Maul? Yeah. How about Charlize Theron with black hair?

How about Marilyn Manson's ex? Oh, Dita Von Teese. Dita Von Teese. Yeah. Ex or still together. Ex. Ex. His current is Evan Rachel Wood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems weird. From across the universe. Uh-huh. Okay, what else? What else? Mr. Weatherby. Mr. Weatherby.

Is that all we have left? We've done all the kids? Or is this Mrs. Yeah, we got all the kids. We don't need to do Midge or the red-haired chick. What about the professor kid? Oh, Dilton Doyley? Yeah.

Dilton Doyley. Toby McGuire. Or Frankie Muniz. Yeah, we seem to catch Frankie Muniz in a lot of things. Which is ironic because he never gets work. One of the Jonas Brothers. Yeah, the ugly to cast Frank Immunis in a lot of things. Which is ironic because he never gets to work. One of the Jonas Brothers. Yeah, the ugly one. Yeah, the ugly Jonas Brother.

Oh, man. He would be a good Dilton Doily. What about the black kid? Barack Obama. Not the half black kid. Oh, sorry. Barack Obama. I'm sold on it.

If either of you can name the black kid, we'll cast it. Tyrone. I don't know. Oh, God. Okay. Mr. Weatherby. He's got to be fat. Fatty, fat, fat, fat.

Bald. Fat and bald. What about the guy from Little Britain? Oh, that's good. He looks very Mr. Weatherby. Or Tom Cruise from Tropic Thunder. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to give him any more attention.

Yeah, that's true. What about Tom Cruise from Valkyrie? We need a bit of a needle nose, too. He has a bit of a needle nose, doesn't he? What about Jeff Bridges from Iron Man? He's not fat. He's muscly. Give him a suit.

I still like my idea from Little Britain. That guy's ready to go. He's ready to weather me. He's not fat He's muscly Give him a suit I still like my idea from Little Britain That guy's ready to go He's ready to weather bait He's pretty good Can he do an American accent? Oh yeah man Have you seen Little Britain USA? No

I didn't feel like I needed to Oh well it's got the same characters over and over and over Do tell And they do the same thing But sometimes they're in an arcade or a food court. I get it. Alright, and Miss Grundy? Angelica Houston.

Yeah. Now. No, there's got to be someone. Susan Sarandon. No, no, no. Jessica Tandy. What's her name? She's dead.

The lady who played Olive Oil. Shelley Duvall. Shelley Duvall, yes. She's skinny. Sure. Totally Miss Grundy. She's terrible in The lady who played Olive Oil. Shelley Duvall. Shelley Duvall, yes. She's skinny. Sure. Totally a misgrundy. She's terrible in The Shining. All right, well, we cast this.

Yeah. Green Light? Green Light. What about the dog? Hot Dog? Oh, what about, hold on. What about Jughead's girlfriend? Big Ethel?

Big Ethel. Big Ethel. I don't remember her. She had, like, real buck teeth. She's lanky and tall There's an actress with buck teeth isn't there Oh oh oh Hillary Swank

No no no no no With the right haircut Anne Hathaway Giant fucking teeth Anne Hathaway's like a horse You know who else has snaggletooth Kristen Dunst Kiki Dee Is she willing to wear a black wig?

Maybe. I don't think we're going to... Yeah, let's leave it at that. Yeah, I don't think we need to cast these... Are you going to pay a Kirsten Dunst price for a Big Apple? No, no, no. No. How much does Kirsten Dunst cost?

$80 million a picture. Man, you're barely going to recoup on that. Hey, Taz, here's something I wanted to talk about. iPod battles. Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, Sean Devlin. Have you had Sean on the show yet? We've tried.

He doesn't have a telephone. He does. Does he? I don't know. He's a hard man to get a hold of. You see him when you see him kind of thing. He's currently working for a millionaire who wants to meet the woman of his dreams. So Sean is designing websites and going out and handing out flyers.

Is it Rick Rockwell? I don't know who it is. Is there a chance that Sean's making this up? No. No, this is all legitimate. He's getting paid to do this. He answers the emails for him and then sends the ones that would be good. You know a lot of people who answer emails. Yeah.

Really well. You know two people. Anyways, the iPod battle. It was for Energizer Canada. Is that... Are they a subsidiary of the EverReady Corporation? I don't know if they're... Batteries? Yeah. Are they connected? I thought EverReady was a

fighting thing. That's EverLast. Right. That's a rapper. Right, that's a rapper. Now gone acoustic singer. Anyways. Yeah, what was the song? You really might know what it's like. Yeah, you might know what it's like. What it's like, yeah.

And it was previously House of Pain. Yeah, the What It's Like was from the Eagle Eye Cherry era. Sure. None of these songs I had on my iPod. Okay. Originally it didn't start out, okay, so we got there. It was outdoors. It was like this festival.

There's a shitload of like, TELUS was set up. WE was set up. All these different promotional companies who apparently hang out. And like, different promo companies would come by. Paul Anthony was out there working for WorkSafe Canada. He'd come by like, hey, yeah, some of the other co's are going to meet at Max Fish later.

A lot of fraternities and sororities worked at these different ones. They all knew each other and stuff. They took it really seriously, I guess. But we were working for Ever... What is it? Energizer Canada.

Okay, that's it. Energizer Canada. We got there and it was a circular stage outside. Theater in the round. Yeah, theater in the round with a little bit of mesh link at the front. Chicken wire. No, but it was fancier. It was more checkered.

Yeah, turkey wire. I i'm gonna say emu water it was fancier type of like no it was a circle okay so in the middle yeah in the middle there was like a stand that held two ipods facing each other and the ipods were supplied by the guy that hired us and i guess they had bought them and just filled them up with a bunch of songs or whatever okay and we were basically carnies sean and i would take turns and it was so hot we were on a black stage it was the middle of summer in whistler and so we could only do it for half an hour at a time because we're standing directly in the sun and we we go up there like all right ladies and gentlemen step right up this is an ipod energizer battle

anyone can do it all you have to do is come up and pick a song and whoever the crowd thinks did a better song can win a prize we have flashlights we have one strap backpacks we we have water bottles we have uh portable uh cell phone chargers portable ipod chargers you could win any of these things all you have to do is come up and pick a song. Who's ready to come up? Oh, you. What's your name? Walter.

All these little kids lining up. And then they come up, and then they scroll through. You don't have the song you want. Well, it's an iPod. Pick a song off of there. I can't really help you with that part. Fine. I'm not ready.

Okay. Walter is still picking. Who do we have over here uh my name is grace okay grace i don't know how to work this thing i've never okay grace has lined up for an ipod battle yet she knows nothing about the equipment she is lined up for like can you do it for i'm gonna do it for her and i would just start calling because no one was watching me so i would just start calling out exactly what i was doing like okay i picked a lil kim song for grace let me just pick out these songs and then what the crowd votes they play a song for 30 seconds each i had a little mixer and then the crowd of like clap if you like grace better than walter and then usually it was her family like okay grace You can go over there

And collect your prize Grace has won Thank you Walter And then Walter Will get back in line Because he was a kid Like oh god And eventually

One of the iPods broke But I had my iPod there And I plugged mine in And I don't know If you guys know this about me I listen to a lot of Dirty booty rap Oh I didn't know that

Because I think it's funny So these kids Would be picking out... So you're just listening to music and chuckling away at people with different cultures. Like, I don't know, like, uh, spank rock, I guess? And, like, they'd pick it out, like, bitch don't know shit, bitch don't know shit, pop that pussy, pop that pussy.

Like, playing, like, a terrible, ridiculous song. Like, oh, Lisa, you have picked a very interesting song. How do your parents feel about it? And they're, like, laughing. Like, oh we did that we did that for six hours a day we stayed in a hotel here's a um are we gonna move along yeah why not do another what's how we we can wrap it up whenever you want okay um the one thing that we have to do, uh, is, uh, we had an ongoing thing about who is going to be the official American listener. And we had a bunch of entries.

We kind of whittled it down to two, uh, entries. How many American listeners do you have? Quite a few. Hundreds. Yeah, hundreds. Possibly thousands. Can you look at all the profiles of people? No.

No. No. But we had a couple dozen submissions for the official American list. Can you see where all your subscribers are from? No. No. But we don't want to. Yeah, they're from... I do. Okay, yeah.

You're a looky-loo. Yeah, I'm just curious. I'm a rubbernecker. An internet rubbernecker. And we kind of narrowed it down to two people. One, Erica, is the one that Dave's kind of partial

to. She wrote a pledge of allegiance to our show. Which is pretty outstanding. And you don't know her. We don't know her. And there's another gal named Joanna who, we don't know her. She knows't know her. And there's another gal named Joanna who we don't know her. She knows somebody that was on our show at one point. But she gave quite a compelling list of arguments of why she should be the official American listener.

But Dave and I, we have come to no conclusion on this. We like both. So we're figuring you're impartial. You have no stake in this at all. So we'll let you read both. Mm-hmm. Or I guess Dave could read them to you. Well, how do you want to do it?

I prefer that Dave read them. Okay. Here's Joanna's application. She came up with a few reasons. She's currently representing not one but two geographical demographics. She grew up in Texas but then moved to the Northwest. She... She's in Vancouver. Nope.

She lives in the Northwest in Portland. I believe she unites the red states and the blue states in that regard. She's a published author of a vegan cookbook. Oh. She is... Does she have tattoos? I don't know tattoos i don't know i don't know can't say can't say one way or the other she is a is that gonna sway your decision that seems like something someone who would write a vegan cookbook would have lots of tattoos it's entirely possible that

she has tattoos um morgan brayton's wife former guest morgan brayton's wife was a tester on her first cookbook. So she's got two degrees of separation. And she's a woman. So that's a reason. And do you need a reason number five? Doubtful. So she makes a good list of arguments. I think I've seen this cookbook. Have you?

Maybe through Morgan Brayton. Can you click on the link to the cookbook? You know what? I can try. Just try it. We'll see if Taz has seen it, because that's interesting that he seems to think. It was co-written by two girls, and they both had lots of tattoos, and they looked very indie. Oh, I like indie.

Yeah, so that would sway me. Is this the one? Yellow Rose Recipes? Yeah, that's the one that she sent the link to. Yep. I don't know if it has a picture of her. There are no pictures of tattoos. Yeah, never mind.

Out. I'm sure the food is great. Okay, and this is... Also, she might have a lot of tattoos. Yeah, so that sways it for me. The other listener, the other finalist, Erica P., she's 26, originally from Seattle, moved to Washington, D.C. Here's her pledge of allegiance.

I pledge allegiance to Dave and Graham on behalf of the bumpers of America and to the hilarity for which spy stands all episodes on the air irreplaceable with segments and laughter for all pretty good right sounds like she knows the internet better sounds like she knows the pledge of allegiance i say stop podcasting yourself pretty good why am I voting on this? I don't even know what's going on. I think Taz is trying to vote solely on what girl has more tattoos. Wait, show of hands for Erica?

Show of hands for Joanna? It's a tie! It's not a tie. Which one is a crumper and which one is a breaker? That's what we should find out and get them to write you back. But that's going to be a tie either way. Okay, we really do need to settle this. I don't't think anyone's gonna be brokenhearted when we tell them it's a prize can we just oh fuck it what does it matter then then then take a name which one i don't remember which one was which

joanna was the vegan book yeah i like joanna cookbook yeah because i i like that i like the fake uh chicken strips that oprah approved okay so we'll go to and then we will i'm pretty sure she would have mentioned oprah and her thing i don't think over approved her but i like them okay and also i want to say that erica your pledge of allegiance is our official Pledge of Allegiance. Right. And we also had a... You can open the show with that. Congratulations to Joanna. We should open the show with that. Yeah.

Yeah. You're our official American listener. Kudos. And we had a listener from Arkansas, I believe, named Sam, who asked to be the official American listener from Arkansas. And I think we can just... Yeah, you just gave that away. We can throw those out.

Were there any others from Arkansas competing? So our official Arkansas listener is that listener yeah it's that guy it's that guy yeah just start competition so now more people from arkansas right in uh yeah that's that's how this whole american thing uh started blew up in our face more people listen the more money you make but you know we want erica to know that it was it just came down to chicken strips. Yeah. Veggie chicken strips. Oprah approved. Oprah approved veggie chicken strips. That and a Kindle.

Yeah. And a million little pieces. So where do we go from here? Is this, are we? Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. Should we do our countdown to the new year? I don't think so.

2005 is going to be a nutty year guys it's 2005 what's your what's your do you have a new year's uh resolution uh i've been toying with the idea with olivia of uh and i say toying because don't don't hold me to this uh but i'm going to a hypnotist to uh quit smoking can i recommend ravine ravine did you you quit smoking yeah to quit smoking. Can I recommend Ravine? Ravine? You quit smoking? Yeah, I quit smoking. How did you do it?

I chewed nicotine gum for years, and now I just chew regular gum. Good for you. And even sometimes don't chew gum at all. But it took me... Like while he's asleep. It took me... Yeah, or in the shower. It took me about four or five years uh it took me about while eating turkey dinner it took me five years wow because a friend of mine got hypnotized and she quit right away yeah and she had some stuff tacked on too like and i would also like to be more positive to people

and she was actually a more positive person afterwards really yeah i mean you have to want it yeah i don't think you can just go in like i want to be a chick yeah get mad at it doesn't work you should uh everybody quits in a different way like some people just everybody poops yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you can just go in like, I want to be a chick. Yeah, get mad at it. It doesn't work like that. You should... Everybody quits in a different way. Like, some people just... Everybody poops. Yeah, everybody poops, Dave.

But some people just quit. Some people just say, I'm going to quit. You should call it going brown, not going green. You know, some people just quit. And then some people take that pill. There's like a new pill out on the market that apparently works for... But then it doesn't work for everybody There's no one although that book the easy way to quit smoking is really really good

I've heard I've heard but that's a lot of reading I know So you just want a quick like go into a chair some That's what I'm saying. I loved it. Nobody loves smoking more than me, but I have to give it all to one of those Those like erotic hypnotists who will do a stage that is like the naughty hypnotist. You're Anthony Cools. Every time you put a cigarette to your mouth, it's a dildo.

So you quit and also a hilarious night of entertainment. Bring your stagette. With a penis crown. Dave, do you have any? Any resolutions? Oh, I... Resolution. Oh. I should probably get a job. Okay.

All right. See what you can do in Thailand. But, uh, you know, if I don't get a job by February, I'll probably forget about that. Yeah. Still for a year or two. We didn't even talk about Thailand. Are you going to ride an elephant? Uh, can't comment. Peanut sauce.

Can I have some? Why can't you comment about that? I can't comment. Peanut sauce. Can I have some? Why can't you comment on that? I literally don't know. I have done no... Abby's family planned this trip and they're like, Hey Dave, what do you want to do? I would have said what Taz said. I would like to ride an elephant, please. I'll do whatever you guys want. You're paying for it.

I'd also like to go on some sex tourism. Yeah. And also go to the original beach from the book The Beach. Not the movie. some sex tourism yeah yeah and also go to the the original beach from the book the beach not the movie right yeah and sex tourism yeah yeah okay uh my new year's resolution is to do more sex tourism yeah i haven't done any i should do some yeah sure can you get like a cheap uh uh sexo change-o over there? Yeah, sexo-change-o. I'm sure.

Cheap and ineffective. Like cheap and it won't stay. It's just tape. They just tape the bit that you don't like off to the side. Or on. Which way you want to go. And then it's usually if you go out. It's surgical tape, though, so it's pretty effective.

If you go out in the rain It falls right off Naked Oh it doesn't work While I'm riding an elephant So next week Do you have a reso? I said more sex tourism Okay

Next week I'm going to lose weight I'm going to lose weight In my gut area Oh yeah You're going to join a gym Should I? I don't know

I don't know You don't work out do you you? Seems like a scam. I used to go to a gym when I was a little, little kid. Same here! Because I had pneumonia when I was a kid. I was really tiny and I had to build my body up. Nice. So I was that kid walking around amongst adults and they'd always look at me like, Oh, you're really cute. Look at him.

Look at the kid with crutches on a stairmaster. I'm doing like, mmm, pushups or whatever. I don't even know what any of the things are called. Pecs. He's doing pecs. Yeah, doing a rep of pecs. And a couple years ago

my mom got a bill still because we never canceled our thing. Ron Zelko. Fuck them. Ron Zelko. I know Ron Zelko.

Anyways, that's my sad story. Look at me now. Yeah. Well, you don't work out. Nope. But obviously I have to

because I'm poncharoo. I fit into this medium shirt you bought me. Walk everywhere. That's what I do. That's what I do too. And I run every day. And I'm still ponchy. So I feel like I need to get to a gym. Get some gravity boots

and do sit-ups. Or start crumping. Yeah, you're right. I don't do sit-ups. Or start crumping. Yeah, you're right. I don't do enough crumping. Or breaking. Or capoeira. Sean Devlin did that for a while. God, is there anything Sean Devlin...

What are you... Are you working on behalf of Sean Devlin? I guess so. Or against him. I know a lot about his life. I can't wait until that movie comes out, The Curious Case of Sean Devlin. Okay, so we're done.

Capoeira matchmaker. I don't get it. Next week is his boss of Millionaire Capoeira. That's how he made his millions, through Capoeira. Next week we will not be here. I don't get back into the country until

I think the 5th of January. So there's going to be a week off. So take a week off. Yeah, and spend it with your family. I don't know when the next episode's coming, but it'll be a good one. Yeah, we'll be back. We're just having a week off. It's the holidays.

The whoop-de-do and hickory duck. You're always that much. Can I promote Sunday service? Yeah, sure. The holidays. The whoop-de-do and hickory duck. You're always that much. Can I promote Sunday service? Yeah, sure. Please. Sunday service every Sunday night at 9 p.m. Oh, sorry.

All of our listeners are American. Well, for the ones in Vancouver, it's on Broadway in Manitoba in between Ontario, and it's at 9 p.m. It costs $5. It used to be Stars on Broadway. It used to be Stars on Broadway. Best improv show in town. Now it's a player's lounge. Yeah.

What does that mean? Leather chairs and fancy martinis. They also have cheap things. It's for players. For ballers. Yeah. Ballers. Not gamers.

Players. Yeah. Gamers play a game. Have fun in Thailand. I'll see you when you get back. Yeah, have fun. I can't wait to see you skinny when I get back. You think it won't happen, but it's going to happen.

I don't care. Yeah, Dave likes me no matter what weight I am. Sure. He doesn't care, but it's going to happen. I don't care. Yeah, Dave likes me no matter what weight I am. Sure. He doesn't care. You know, I like a little meat on your bones. Hey, baby.

Anybody out there who wants to send us any sort of email comments, overheards, overseen photos, any input about joining a gym, hilarious pranks

that you've come up with or had perpetrated upon you. We had some, some people wrote in a couple weeks ago with gym hilarious pranks that you've come up with or had perpetrated upon you we had some uh some people wrote in a couple weeks ago with some hilarious pranks or actually today but it was a couple weeks ago as of today and we didn't get around to them let's do the time warp but uh but we will on the next episode and uh you can send those all to stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and also check out the blog that dave updates and updated even before he left to thailand at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com uh thanks a lot for listening if you like the show tell your friends and come on back in a week or so for

another thrilling edition of stop Podcasting Yourself.