Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 441 - Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

Comedian Chris Fairbanks returns to talk Olympic diving, hip replacements, and hand stamps.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 441 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's sweating right out of the gates. So it's going to be a long sit. Mr. Dave Shumka.

I have a fan down here. You're sitting on an ice pack. Oh yeah. I'm doing that. The fan we have is an's an ice block with a Oh with a cat Yeah With a fan attached to its tail

Did that work? I don't know I mean it worked in The Heathcliff comic I saw it in But that's all I know Anyway it's the hottest it's ever been in the world today Yeah Oh boy

Oh boy And our guest today, a very funny comedian, he is the co-host of his own podcast called Do You Need a Ride? And he's our guest today, Mr. Chris Fairbanks.

Hey, guys. Hey. Hi. I love the, I think it's more from the Flintstones where there'd be like a baby pterodactyl

under the sink. Yeah. And Wilma'd pour a bunch of stuff in there and he'd eat it because he's the garbage disposal. Oh, okay. And then they zoom in on him for an aside and he'd just look right into

camera and go, I hate my job. What were the other jobs that the dinosaurs had? Well, record player. Yeah. The dinosaur would be the, uh,

like Fred Flintstone had like a dinosaur that he used like a kind of a, not a forklift, but kind of a, like a crane. And he would slide down its tail at the end of the day. Which always seemed dangerous to me, avoiding those, you know, on the backs of a dinosaur. Well, they're not even wearing steel-toed boots, so, you know, safety doesn't, they don't care. In bedrock. Yeah, even when he's driving and braking with his feet. That would have been the first thing I would have invented. When you were a kid, did you ever slide down the banister?

Yeah, I imagined doing it, but there's always that knob at the end. I never had a machine gun to shoot it as I was sliding down. Should we get to Noah's? I think we're getting to Noah's. Yeah. down. Should we get to Noah's? I think we're getting to Noah's. Yeah. Get to

Noah's. What's the longest banister you've ever slid down? I'm going to say it was just a handrail. Okay. And I actually still do it all the time because it's the only, it just reminds me of back when I was skateboarding and I did think about, I always

looked at handrails and I was like, oh, I can maybe jump on that. But I never, I don't think I ever, I think the longest handrail I ever did on a skateboard was probably four stairs. Like where you just go and bounce off it and roll away. I never, I wasn't a big rail. From your vantage point, is skateboarding a crime? Well, you know, it's

funny as I get older, I'm like, that's marble, you guys. They put across the street from my house, these guys made these perfect ledges that were shiny and curved and it looked great. And I'm like, they gotta get some skate stoppers on

that. Yeah. Because kids are gonna, I have, I've become a weird, keep it in the park, guys. It is like, it's so loud and annoying

just to hear, just even one person trying to land one trick over and over. I don't think I've ever seen a successfully landed trick

in a, outside of like a, you're landed trick outside of an X Games. Yeah, it's because skateboarding's hard. Did you do it for a long time? Yeah, as a kid, I was always conscious of like, how annoying is this? Am I near a residence? Guys, maybe we shouldn't start chewing my nails. I was a nervous little...

Guys, it's after seven. People are trying to watch. Yeah, people around here are trying to eat. Wheel of fortune. Yes, people are trying to eat wheel of fortunes. It's kind of like a cookie, but there's a wheel, a large wheel. I didn't do it. Were you part of a skateboard gang?

Yeah, we were called the Front Street Mob because we would hang out near Front Street and we had giant stickers. My friend worked at a sign shop and they were huge pentagrams. Front Street Mob, because we would hang out near Front Street, and we had giant stickers. My friend worked at a sign shop, and they were huge pentagrams made of vinyl, and it said FSM. And we all had them on the hood of our cars, and we would all park our cars at Front Street and skate at night. At a time in the early 90s, it was a time where cowboy in Montana, cowboys would just drive around listening to NWA and looking for fights. And they would be wearing baseball batting gloves and just get out of a truck and start swinging at my friends. It happened all the time.

Not with baseball bats. No, no, no, no. Rarely. Are baseball batting gloves, are they fingerless? They're gloves, or maybe golfing gloves. Sure. If you're more of a classic, if you box with your knuckles towards your face, you'd do more of a soft, soft boxing.

Is that where you were born or raised, in Montana? Missoula, Montana, yeah. What's the main attraction in Missoula? The Front Street Crew. Front Street Mob! Sorry, I peaked there. That's when I exclaim. With a lot of vibrato.

It was the main attraction, I suppose. There's a college there, a nice liberal arts school with a good business program, nice journalism, radio, television department. Sorry, if I was a tourist, you would suggest I enroll in that?

No, you'd have to certainly check out the business building on campus. Just a few clicks south of, I don't know what a click is now

and I feel like I've said something racist just because I've seen that in Apocalypse Now. I think clicks are miles. Oh, I thought they were kilometers.

Are they miles? It depends what's Kilometers makes more sense. Because it sounds like it comes from kilometers. I think it's whatever's on your speedometer. Oh, because it clicks. Yeah. Oh, wow.

That makes sense. That's pretty good. Yeah. I didn't know. I never questioned it. When somebody said clicks, I was like, you mean kilometers. Although now that people have digital ones, I think I have a digital one. Yeah. What do you call those? I'm questioned it. When somebody said clicks, I was like, you mean kilometers. Although now that people have digital ones, I think I have a digital one. Yeah.

What do you call those? I'm so mad. I missed my car. It's 10 years old, and it's only got 70,000 kilometers on it, which is like 40,000 miles. But I missed when it was 69, 69. Oh, man. And it will never come around again. Well, it would be 169, 69, 269. Oh, man. And it will never come around again. Well, it'll be 169, 69, 269.

Oh, that's true. Unless I can get 690,000 kilometers on it. Get out there, man. Hit the open road. Go to Missoula. See that business school. B-Y-O-B. Bring your own briefcase.

Also, a river runs through it. Remember that movie, A River Runs Through It? Yeah. That's right. That's Missoula. Is that the river? There's three of them. The Clark Fork, the Bitterroot, and the Blackfoot.

There you go. Was that where they made the movie? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Tom Skerritt was the pastor at the church. Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't spoil it. Anyway, in the end, everyone dies. No!

Oh, nuts! In a river. Who was in River Runs Through? Was it Pitt? Pitt? We got Pitt in there. Was it A a river. Who was in River Runs Through? Was it Pitt? Pitt? It was Brad Pitt. We got Pitt in there. Was it Aidan Quinn, or was that Legends of the Fall?

Aidan Quinn was in Legends of the Fall. Legends of the Fall, which was shot near where I grew up. Oh. And I confuse all of those. I confuse those movies. To me, they're just one long movie. Yeah. Yeah.

What's the one where he spends seven years in Tibet? Seven. I feel like a River Runs Through It or Legends of the Fall was the movie that would be on an airplane before everybody got their own TV. It would just be like you'd get

one movie and it would be Legends of the Fall because that was like fine for everybody to watch. What era does A River Runs Through It take place? The 40s? The 40s? The 50s? A little before that,

I think. I'm just judging if I got the car looking kind of Model T-ish. I think it was, yeah, yeah. And Ledges of the Fall?

A car in that looked like a horse, right? Yeah, yeah. I don't know what era. I remember my mom loved that movie. She'd watch it

at least twice a year. It's, both of those are really like I they're not your typical chick flick no because there's no you know female Ghostbusters yes all that and that didn't bridges of Madison County come around the same time yeah all sort of mom movies yeah yeah they're all kind of yeah I green tomatoes all Ghostbusters. And didn't Bridges of Madison County come around the same time? Yeah. I feel like these are all sort of mom movies. Yeah, yeah.

They're all kind of... Fried Green Tomatoes, maybe, also. How to Make an American Quilt. River and Street is kind of a snooze fest. Legends of the Fall had some tragedy. Like, memory just gets married and then they shoot guns against the wall and it hits his new wife.

I haven't seen that either. Oh, I'm sorry. Everyone dies. Yeah. A lot of people die in it it's very it's weird because like but that was when brad pitt was at his most at his most yeah his hunkiest because he had the long blonde hair there's some there's no movie star that just has long hair now is there not just a hems, but he goes short and long,

but there's no guy who's like, I only get cast in long hair roles. I'm in favor of bringing that back, though. A guy who's just the... Maybe the guy who's playing Aquaman. He seems to be having... Oh, who's that? Some guy.

He's got long hair, though. I think Willem Dafoe would be good. As Aquaman he already has gills on his neck he already has working gills

does Aquaman have long hair the character uh in the not the old not the classic one he had more of like

kind of a bouffant oh yeah kind of hairdo but now nowadays you want to reboot it with long hair

why wouldn't he always just have wet hair yeah you know why wouldn't he shave his head too much drag

yeah no eyebrows he's just totally everything speedo yeah as soon as he comes up to earth everybody's like

you're uncomfortable to look at because you don't have eyebrows and you're all pruney where were you today a lot of terrible things happened You're uncomfortable to look at because you don't have eyebrows. And you're all pruney. Where were you today? A lot of terrible things happened.

I was watching the Olympics, man. Felt. Oh, just a swim fan. That's all you really are, is a swim fan. You don't even have powers. Have you been watching the Olympics? Yeah, I've kind of had the gun, the fever this year. I resisted the fever until I started

getting the fever. Now I have the fever. It's very easy not to watch if you don't have a TV that you can just turn on and just leave

and then kind of come. Like if you have to go find a stream of the Olympics. Right. Nah. Yeah, it's true. It's just playing

at my house. It's with my roommates in there deep. I'm diving. I'm a big fan of diving. I didn't know synchronized diving. It's amazing. So fun. And I like how they, and I don't know why,

I guess they want to show the trajectory as they enter the water. That's part of the score, I guess. But every time it's just pants sliding off. It's just a butt show. So many butts. As soon as they see the underwater camera, they're reaching down. Yes, these slippery, hairless butts

and the Speedos are just sliding off and these guys are always like, oh! They're like kind of with urgency. They're pulling their Speedos. Do they do that in sync? They're like, oh, no, not again. Well, suspenders wouldn't hurt anything

if they had suspenders. I demand that swimming start wearing suspenders. Or like a little belt. Isn't there like a Bond girl who has a belted bikini?

Yeah. What about a belt with just a tiny little pack of fanny pack and right as before you dive you put on some lip balm

and put it in there? I want to go in so smooth. Yeah. I don't want to be lip frick yeah there's some i get so much lip drag and that is the one i i i watched diving for years just in the olympics all of these sports are just things you would never watch if they were on a saturday afternoon by themselves although i think i'd like to think I would watch trampolining if it came on TV. We have won two gold medals in trampoline.

Canada has. We dominate in the trampoline. It will never. Trampolining is in. I looked at the list of events. Is it in this year? Oh, it's in there. Yeah.

Wow. Believe me. Believe me. It's all Canada can talk about. We've got trampoline favor. Skateboarding is in next year. Oh, wow. Likeboarding is in next year. Oh, wow.

Like street skating in a course. Nice. Isn't BMX Sam Harrison? I guess it's mixed feelings. Why do you have mixed feelings? Every skateboarder has. The good thing is for a pro skater, which is not ever what I will be or anyone I know, I'm 41 for the love of Pete.

No, you'll get there. Yeah, you guys, do you think so? On these two hip surgeries. I really do. Gotta replace these old ball joints. But they, it's, you know, skateboarding is so, they're so adamant about it. Everything being skater owned and core. And when Nike started making shoes

everyone's like apprehensive they tried once and then they quit they're like no one likes us and then they finally got the best skaters to skate for them and made paid them a lot of money well that's how you get it yeah there's money in skate and the olympics will put more money in skating like the skaters will will have houses and nice cars and everyone's going to be rich. That's the cool part, I think. I wonder about that. But skating is supposed to be punk rock and fringe. And it takes away from that.

Now pogo stick is the new skateboarding. I can't wait for the stick to come back. Grinding a stick. Yeah, because something has to. Because now skateboarding, snowboarding, they're legit. Yeah. Once they're in the Olympics, you can't get much more legit than that. Right away with snowboarding, you see moms of your friends' moms, my mom wanted to take snowboarding lessons. I'm like, oh, man.

Well, it's over. Wearing her one-piece ski ski suit that's what my mom has hasn't upgraded since 1978 but i was speaking of diving i every year you watch diving and they dive and then they get out of the pool and they go and sit in the hot tub. They go sit in the hot tub. And I never questioned it, but why doesn't any other sport get a hot tub? Swimmers don't get the hot tub.

No, you're right. That's a good. Yeah. Why? And they make a beeline for that hot tub too. They don't just. But yeah, you're right. Like water polo.

Those guys must be exhausted by the end of their sport. Yeah. Where's their little spa treatment filled with divers divers are just in there and they're off to the nail salon to get their pen mani pedis uh that's just yeah it's a tradition thing because a lot of times they don't get in the tub they just hang out by it smoke yeah what kind of razor do you use on your slippery butt oh smoke just cigarettes putting them out in the tub the weird thing that i've noticed when i've watched uh kind of the highlight reels of the olympics is a lot of times when swimmers are

waiting to see what the results are they're like sw are. They're like swallowing water and spitting it back out. And I'm like, well, you know people are swimming in that, right? You know you were swimming in it. And all the people you competed against. Swimmers while they're in the pool. While they're in the pool, they're waiting and they're like letting water go into their mouth and they're spitting it out. And I'm like, it's very gross. I guess after a certain amount of time, you're like, yeah, there's no avoiding the fact that I'm going to drink this guy from Sweden's urine.

Either now or later in the hotel. Yeah, I wonder if any... Oh, yeah, there's got to be a little weird European piss play. That's what those five rings are about. I don't even know what that means i'm picturing what i mean so i'm working on it in my head there was a show i was on it was a confusing show to be on because it was a reality show it really was it was supposed to be a parody of reality shows but was on comedy central it was called reality bites back i remember that yeah it was and one of the episodes was so you think you can dive like all of them instead of dance it was called reality bites back i remember that yeah it was and one of the episodes was so

you think you can dive like all of them instead of dance it was so you can think you can dive instead of the biggest loser was the biggest chubby i did gain i gained like 11 pounds overnight pickle juice that's how you do really oh there you go when we did we oh it's just that simple yeah it's something i'm drinking anyway You don't even need to eat the pickles. Whoever did, we drink the juice. But at the diving one, Greg Louganis, I was like, that's real Greg Louganis. He was like a judge. Oh, wow.

And we went to this facility, this Olympic diving. It's so scary, that top one that they all... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I jumped off it and plugged my nose. It was like jumping off a giant bridge. Yeah. I'm like, this is high. I'm shaking.

It's 10 meters? Yeah. If we're doing metric, 30 feet? Yeah, it's 10 clicks down. But it really is impressive if you ever stand up there, what they're doing. It's amazing. So I went late at night. They had a harness. impressive if you if you ever stand up there what they're doing it's amazing but after so i went

late at night they had like a harness they had a thing in the pool that blew bubbles up so you could it said you should belly flop and it wouldn't hurt right yeah so i stayed that night and i practiced and i learned how to do a one and a half dive off just uh the spring board yeah yeah because i had never done that, but I played on the, and they were excited that I wanted to be there. Everyone went home, and I did my, I'm like, I'm going to win this one. You were like the Michael Jordan of that competition. It was really.

Did you win? I did, yeah, I did. Nice. But that just meant, oh, you get, you have immunity now. And they did. They sent me to a hot tub. And I hadn't watched any. There was a hot tub.

It's like Uncle John's Radish Beer Sponsored Hot Tub. And there was radishes in there. But I remember sitting in there with Theo Vaughn and we were drinking beer in this hot tub for most of the episode. And I had no idea that's what they did in the real Olympics. Yeah. So I'm watching it and like, hey, they have hot tubs too. I wonder if there's a connection between my parody hot tub and the real one.

That's probably why. But this was before, wasn't there an actual like NBC show where there were celebrities diving? Oh boy. It was like a summer replacement show. Recently? Oh wow. Yeah.

Because what's his name? It was like Louis Anderson was one of the people on the. Lonnie Anderson. Oh, no. Oh, no. It was Louis Anderson was one of the celebrities on it that was like diving. Really? Yeah, because I remember he came out in like a full, like basically like a scuba suit.

His mom's ski suit. He had days of one piece. I'm scuba suit. His mom's ski suit. He had Tazel's ski suit. The one piece. I'm Googling this. That's amazing. But it was like a summer replacement series in the vein of So You Think You Can Dance? It was called. Wow.

Wait. No. Go on. It was called Splash? Yeah. Maybe that was it. Or was called Splash? Yeah. Maybe that was it, or Make a Splash. And all the headlines are

comedian Louis Anderson still hurting after Splash mishap. Yeah. It's serious. Theo, speaking of Theo, he did, we had to do some special dive, and his was a tribute to Amelia Earhart,

and he had this wheelchair with wings on it, and someone pushed him off. And it was really... But he's a bizarre dude. But he landed weird and almost landed on the wheelchair. But it was from the top. Scary platform. He got wheeled off.

Oh my god. Had I not won with the actual... Again, I did. I won and a half dive. So what is that? That's like a full circle? You do a full flip and then the next half is diving. You tuck your knees in and flip? I think that my

body was just kind of sprawled out like a starfish the whole time. Like a flying squirrel. But I did a flip and then a dive. But the dive I over-dived and kind of landed on my butt. But it was okay your slippery little butt yeah they did we did shave ourselves oh that was fun and they go and it was set up you guys don't need to shave yourself for diving and i had done my chest

little bloody spots um no but it was yeah he his back. During a parody joke diving thing, he slipped a disc in his back, and I think he died. He's dead now. Oh, no! Devon's no longer with us. You were saying you need two hip replacements? I need, I'm going to get the left one. Is that from skateboarding? I thought so, because there's been a few times

where I did the splits, and I felt something happen in there. But I was told that I was just, it's just a gift from God. Oh yeah. Here you go. Here you go. Thank you. My savior,

the bones, like everyone's the top, you have that ball joint. And I guess mine, he compared it to a melted ice cream cone. It's just a little off, but that's kind of cute. That's like how you describe to a kid that needs hip surgery.

Do you like ice cream? And I was like, why are you talking to me that way? Your hip's like a melted ice cream cone. Yum. Oh, okay. If you put it that way. Yeah, what's your favorite flavor? Surgery sounds fun.

Guess what you're going to have afterwards? Ice cream. But yeah, I guess, and I always had weird hips i always had to like after skating all day i had to pull my pants my pull my leg by my pants that's hard to do a lot of physical act outs on podcasts uh because the thing that i've heard about hip surgery i know three people who have had both uh right and within kind of like 36 hours after the surgery, it's like it never happened. I've only heard that.

Yeah, I think knees are more complicated. Those can go south. But this guy that I'm seeing will just put like a helmet, like a Ralph S. Mouse chrome helmet on the ball oh okay because i'm bone on bone on this hip uh so he'll just put that ball on there and then line the pocket part of the joint plastic or metal yeah i wonder what they're not taking anything out they're not replacing anything just he does that you so you have to drill down the bone. It's a lot like a bed knob. Oh, we were talking banisters.

It's a lot like, let's go back to banisters. It's like where it gets skinny and then the femur. So you have to drill down that. And I guess sometimes it'll, oops, I split the bone. At which point they will. Replace it? Yeah, full replacement. So, oops.

Yeah, a split. I did it again. Yep, should have put a pilot hole measure twice drill once that's yeah come to me if you want any woodworking jokes um it was uh what do you still ever skateboard or is that is that long i just i had a day of skateboarding a few months ago that felt good. But the last time, I went home to Montana and we all went to some skate park. And yeah, my leg does not do exactly an ollie thing. I can't bend and extend my front leg at all.

So that's kind of the core of every skate maneuver is that you can bend your legs and move it forward. And that's what hurts like I got shot with something. Like I got tased. Yeah. Like I'll just be doing it. And then I do that specific movement. And I'm like, oh, God. I just scream.

And it shoots pain. So I've been swimming, though. Oh, yeah. I didn't know how to swim. I swim with a snorkel and a mask. I look like a fool. When you've been swimming though. Oh, yeah. I didn't know how to swim. I swim with a snorkel and a mask. I look like a fool. When you first went? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Still, still. Still what? Yeah, I don't care what people think. Where do you go? Because once they see me swim, they're like,

now that guy's got form. I didn't know how to swim. I had to kind of kickboard. Oh, you never, like as a youth, you never learned to swim? I can survive, but it was like a i didn't

like know how to freestyle swim or do breaststroke sproke yeah sprockets i'm a bike with spokes but i i am learning and i do like it i've been swimming and enjoying it it's weird i know quite a few people that never learned to swim as kids. Like it just wasn't a part of their childhood. Right. And I think as adults, they all want to swim. Yeah. And like yourself, like either kind of go and teach themselves some kind of arm or end up taking lessons. Yeah.

As an adult. You didn't take lessons? No, I just, I got a book from him and I went to the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Center and learned some. It's really fun. Is that really? Me and some older ladies just doing circle kicks, and it was really funny. That's really sweet. To music, yeah.

Is it really the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Center? Yeah, there's pictures of her everywhere. Giant pictures of her, like those long streamer, hitler streamers uh you know they roll them down it's just elizabeth taylor in a swimsuit with a swastika which they put a little mustache is it is she famous for swimming i don't i don't think so at all i asked my uh my physical therapist and she was like i don't know why I don't think she really swam. I really like the idea of a celebrity who's famous for one thing

starting some sort of community place that has nothing to do with what they did. Like Paul Newman's salad dressing. Or the Arnold Schwarzenegger skate park. And it's like, he was famous for lifting weights, right? I learned to

swim as a kid, but I was so slow whenever we did laps or anything. Yeah, ineffective kick. Yeah, kick was okay, but my arms are so like Grover. No, you want Grover arms. Yeah, the guys that are good have long

uh muppet arms oh okay because that's michael phelps is like you know they did one of those analysis of like here's why he's the perfect swimmer he's got super long arms super short legs compared to the length of his arms right weird shaped big, goofy grin. Right, right. You need that grin. Big ears. And he's high as fuck! I don't know if you guys swear on here. Yeah, I said fuck.

Sorry. Yeah, I think I got tiny little legs. So I remember in college, I tried to take a swim, health and human performance class just for one credit and these there'd be uh can i say fat girls there's like we don't swear on here but we do say fat girl well there's there's women are better swimmers they just i in my experience as a kid i there and if you have more if you're like a bony, skinny person like I was in college, you sink.

And girl, like if you have more meat on your bones, you float. That's just how it is. You're just more buoyant. You're more buoyancy. So these girls were like trying to show me how, and they were just cruising. They're so good. And I would kick with the board, the kickboard, and just kind of rotate and then start bumping into that rope. Like, I don't.

Oh, yeah. Keeping it straight in the thing is hard enough. And then these girls, they just were cruising. And so I just, that's what I did. When I practiced, I just practiced my kicking. And there's something to it. It's like eventually it clicks and you're kicking with your hips and then you start. It's also exhausting. It's like you

swim for 10 minutes and it's the most exercise. Yeah. I remember because my dad would just on the weekend, he would just take us to the YMCA and just make us do laps just to like tire us out. Oh, really? Yeah. It was just like, go laps. Say I wish

I'm jealous. But then at the end, I remember without fail being like famished after like an hour of swimming, like being more hungry than I could ever remember being.

Right. Well, at the peak of Michael Phelps mania, like at the 2004 Olympics, there were all these stories about what does he eat?

Right. Oh, look at all those pancakes. You can eat whatever you want if you swim all day. That dude must just swim. It would get kind of boring. He swims six hours a day. That's when he's training. And that's just the in-pool part.

And he said it was, the quote I heard, it was four hours a day, but staring at a black line all day. Yeah. Like the line on the bottom of the book. How boring. I'm wondering, is there, there's no way to listen to music? I thought I would want, I was like, I'm going to get into swimming. I'm going to buy some waterproof headphones. And I, because I know it's going to be boring, but it isn't.

It's the closest thing now. Because I was for therapy. And then I just, I'm like be boring, but it isn't. It's the closest thing now, because I was for therapy, and then I'm like, well, I need exercise. I'm starting to jiggle when I do the stairs or drive. My back was starting to vibrate. Yeah, I've noticed on the bus, if they hit a particularly bumpy patch of road, things start moving. And so I just start swimming for exercise.

And being underwater in the silence, it's not boring. I don't think about things. So it is the closest thing I have to meditation. Yeah, yeah. Especially when I'm on my back. And guys, am I right? When I'm on and you're submerged and you're doing a thing, the time flies by.

I'll look and it's like, well, I've been doing this a half hour, 45 minutes, I'm done now. I used to get that with skiing or hockey. We would wear helmets and you're just isolated. And I would just repeat, I would always have a song stuck in my head that I would just keep singing over and over. Yeah, I remember doing that while skiing.

And it was not always a song I had chosen. Probably one that I heard in the ski lodge on the way out to the lift and be like well brother I'm gonna sing the song the theme from ski school which they're playing on a loop in a lodge

I'm not kidding this song that I always sang while doing something as a kid was the song from Caddyshack that I'm all right. Oh, yeah. That's the one. Nobody worry about me. That's over.

But what a weird thing for a kid to be singing. I'm all right. I'm all right. Don't nobody worry about me. I'm all right. Don't nobody worry about me. That's what you sound in people's yearbook. If I were to write it down.

Yeah. I'm all right. Don't nobody worry about me. Have a good summer. Stay sweet. Maybe, underlined, I'll nobody worry about me. Have a good summer. Stay sweet. Maybe, underlined, I'll see you next year. Dot, dot, dot. Or will I?

Dot, dot, dot. I'm all right. Don't nobody worry about me. Chris. When you were a kid, did you know anybody who was in a very competitive sport? Like they were somebody that was being pushed as like, you could actually maybe be in the, my cousin Ross.

Yeah. Wait, that's how I always got free snowboards is from him. He rode for a K2 company. He was on their team and he was a pro snowboarder. And at the end of high school, uh, he was riding for someone else.

I believe a Canadian company, uh, free surf. he got he did the snowboard olympics before it was in the olympics olympics and he went to slovenia and he got second because he back then you would racing like the gates and with hard boots right was oh wow and he could do that really well along with a half pipe, which back then was dug by hand and only 12 feet deep. Now they're 25 feet deep and made of solid ice. It's so scary. Kids are

dying now. You hit your head in a giant ice rink. It's so amazing. Yeah, when I was a kid, there was no... You wouldn't see a helmet on the mountain. No. No. None of it. I still don't. All my friends have them. When I go home kid, there was no... You wouldn't see a helmet on the mountain. No. No. None of us. I still don't.

All my friends have them. When I go home, I'm like, you guys all have... Actually, everyone has helmets. I'm the only idiot with a knit cap. Yeah. It seems crazy that there was ever, yeah, a time when people were just like... Although I don't have a helmet. Like, I'll go snowboarding, but I go so slow. Yeah.

I'm so... I just... You know, I'm just here for the cocoa. I'm so, I just, I, I, you know, I'm just here for the cocoa. Who did you know that was like a kid, kid sports, sports kid? Well, they're always, I think I knew like the kids, some of my friends went to the Little League World Series. Oh yeah. But then a girl I went to high school with was in the Olympics in 1996, swimming.

Oh wow. Cool. girl i went to high school with was in the olympics in 1996 swimming oh wow cool yeah it's weird right because like i knew uh the the goalkeeper on the canadian women's soccer team uh she grew up down the street from me and then there was another guy that was in our high school who at 16 got drafted by like a european soccer club oh wow and uh and then my brother's friend he was in the olympics for gymnastics but they're they're such weird kid like they have to do kid life and then at the end of school day then they go and do athlete life right for four hours it It's weird. Yeah, when I played Little League, I was kind of a big kid in sixth grade, maybe, and I stayed the same for years. But there's other kids that are just grown, hairy-legged men.

It was funny how there were big kids that also just happened to put them in sports. This guy, Jason Shanahan, could pitch. He pitched 80-something. It was Little League, and he would throw so hard that it was horrifying. And I would just go up there and be trembling. I'm like, I hope he throws a strike. I'm not even going to try and swing at it.

Just don't want to get hit by the ball. Yeah, don't hit me. But he went on to play. I don't even think he became pro. I think he, like, farm. He became a farmer. Like, I still... That happens a lot.

You get drafted. You don't make... You do some double A, some single A. Yeah, you go to build a field of dreams, and then you're like, well, you know what? Corn. A lot better yields.

I haven't heard the voices, so... I'm just going to leave it as a corn field. Timothy Busfield's not going to worry about me. I'm alright. Just as you're chewing on sunflower seeds, you're like, I wonder how they make these. And then, one month later, just farming.

I remember there was a kid in seventh grade, and he fully was a like adult like full beard you know and like you know and probably like bordering on six foot and this was everybody was still a kid like we were still all kid size and uh isaac was his name just came back from the summer and was like a man like he kind of still had isaac's face but like more you know and he wasn't athletically inclined at all he played the flute in uh in band wow but uh if you got him as a partner in wrestling he would just destroy you not not he didn't have any anger or anything he just like couldn't not

destroy you I'm a man I'm sorry I'm sorry yeah it's like it was like a guy wrestling with his son it was like you felt like you were climbing on playground equipment yeah it was so crazy he came back here like you know like thick arm hair.

Veins in his arms. Yes. Yeah, exactly. My sister's. I still don't have any body hair. No? I'm waiting for it. Look at my legs.

Zero hair. Yeah. Look at that. It's like I shave them. Oh, wow. That might just be from your socks. It might be, or I have a terrible hormone problem. But you have hair above the socks.

Yeah, isn't that weird? But I have hair on my feet, which is where the most socks. Right, yeah. Socks all the time. Doubled up with the shoe weight. I wear heavy shoes. I mean, I'm no scientist, but you are. Yeah, I just assumed

after puberty full chest hair I was waiting for it and I'm still waiting still waiting on that because I don't know, that to me is still like get a load of this dudes yeah

just a patch oh yeah, you have a little patch yeah, look at that I got nothing guys Oh, this, dudes. Yeah? Yeah. Just a patch. Oh, the patch is good. You have a little patch. Yeah, look at that. I got nothing, guys. Well, yeah, it's hard to access yours. You have a regular T-shirt.

That's right. All right, be the only one that doesn't show their patch. Guys, I'm real self-conscious about what I got going on down there. I just have one long hair that I comb over my whole chest. Plus someone did a sunscreen prank on your body yesterday. Yeah, I have a swastika on my belly. Great prank, guys. Great prank, Elizabeth Taylor.

Thanks a lot, Elizabeth. Oh, man. Yeah, my nephew, he looked just like me for so many years, and he's 15 now, and yeah, he looked just like me for so many years, and he's 15 now, and yeah, he's way bigger than me. He's like fully muscular. He's like grown into it.

He's already bigger than me. He's 15. That's the crazy. You've got to take him down. Yeah, he's starting to look like his. Take him down mentally. Yeah, that's right. Mind games.

I'm real competitive. I'm all right. You're going down, Alex. Your uncle loves you. I miss you. Dave, going down, Alex. Your uncle loves you. I miss you. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Not a heck of a lot.

Yeah. Watching the Olympics. Yeah. Got the fever. Got trampoline fever. This episode won't come out for a couple weeks, so the Olympics will be

a distant memory. And it's amazing, like as soon as the Olympics are done, it's like they never existed. Like you don't think back a week after's amazing, like, as soon as the Olympics are done, it's like they never existed. Like, you don't think back a week after the Olympics and like, oh, Olympics. You're like, on to whatever else is

happening. Yeah. Yeah, well, probably because the thing that happens right after is like, we really head in the homestretch of the U.S. election. Oh, yeah. Every time. It's gonna be crazy. Is it November? Yeah.S. election. Oh, yeah. Every time. It's going to be crazy. Is it November?

Yeah. November. Going to be crazy. But this episode comes out August 29th, and we haven't done our normal summertime complaining about the heat. Well, I think we're getting into it today. Somewhat.

But usually we complain through the entire summer. It hasn't been that hot here. It's been fine. Yeah, it's been great. Yeah, there's been days where the sun doesn't even come out. It's cloudy. It's wonderful. It's beautiful outside right now. I gotta get out there. I'm gonna ride a bike or something. Yeah? Yeah. Do you love the summertime?

Well, I guess you live in Los Angeles so it's like this all the time. It is really. It's gotten to the point where I feel like my life is going too quickly i think that happens as you get older things just don't impress you much and so they're yeah she and i twain that was her big problem yeah so you're brad pitt so you're in legends of the fall maybe when i was a kid through it but uh seasons kind of help benchmark the passing of time. Like I remember it's like,

ah, what a long winter. I, that's 75 all the time in LA. And then it's my birthday again. And I'm like, this is going too quickly. You're like,

I've been wearing board shorts all this whole time. When is your birthday? February 5th. Forgot for a second. February. Fabulous. Fabulous. Harry.

Fabulous. Harry 5thary. Fabulisary fifth. Yeah, I don't know that I... I mean, it's not like... We don't really have very defined... We don't get a cold winter. Or a hot summer. Yeah, we just... We get...

I always think of it as like there's cherry blossom season, which is... Springtime. Springtime. And then uncomfortable season, summer. And then it just gets drizzly. It doesn't really snow here.

No, it doesn't snow here at all. Oh, isn't that, that's, why is that? Just the ocean, I guess. Yeah, we're the warmest part of the country. That's terrific. That's one of the major reasons. Was it cold in Montana? Sure.

Yeah. It's right across the border from Calgary. That's where we used to go on holidays in Montana. Whitefish. Oh, really? Yeah. Just down through Waterton Park there? Yeah.

Get a little spend time in Lethbridge? My brothers both went to university in Lethbridge. Really? Yeah. Oh, were they in that dorm that's like a prison? Probably. Just little cement boxes. Yeah. Yeah. It, were they in that dorm that's like a prison? Probably. Just little cement boxes. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a real windy city. At my college, we had some dorms that were cement boxes. They had to close the window. They had to lock the windows permanently. Oh, really? Because rumor has it that there had been some suicide. Oh, okay.

Based on the architecturally drivenides. Oh, okay. Based on the... Wow. Like architecturally driven suicide. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's... Wow. Yeah, that place is... It was depressing. I'm like, how does everyone...

Many levels, not a lot of windows, cement. Well, also everyone was forced to make iPhones. Oh, yeah. Everyone had been kidnapped from their villages. This is a university? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in China. Okay.

Were you there on some sort of scholarship? Yeah, yeah. It was, I was, I don't know what else. I was hoping for some sort of athletic

scholarship thing. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to think of a Chinese sport. They've done very well in swimming. For sure. They're crushing it yet again in ping pong. I know why.

Badminton. Their shorts slip off the easiest when they dive, I noticed. So slippery. Yeah. They just got slippery skin. I guess that's a form of racism. Yeah. That I've said.

Yeah. Can I say some girls are fatter than others? No, but you can say Chinese people have slipperier skin. I mean, oftentimes. But it's a new, it's a fresh new stereotype that I have not heard.

Supple skin? Sorry, I'm complimenting you. And I like fat chicks, by the way. There you go. Yeah. Clean slate. Yeah, there we go. He's all right.

Don't worry about him, not about me. That's Kenny Loggins. The soundtrack king. Yeah. Oh, man. Him, them, and the fabulous Thunderbirds. What were they? Ain't that tough enough?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Stevie Ray Vaughan's brother? I don't know. Was he in that band? It was just about, they, for a year there, like in the Roadhouse era of movies, they did every movie, like they were a lot like Kenny Loggins at the time. Pink Cadillac! Pink!

Oh, that was them too? Yeah. Bringing in all my money on a Saturday night. Wait, isn't that Bruce Springsteen? And that's powerful stuff. I think I remember three of them. Wow. That was pretty good.

That is a pretty good run. Yeah. Good job, Fab Fun. Fab Fun. Someone in the band has that license plate. Yeah, yeah. What's the one, oh, the You've Got the Touch. I read an article about the guy who wrote that.

From the Transformers movie? Well, it was originally from a Lou Gossett Jr. movie, and it's... Iron Eagle? Iron Eagle. Oh, okay. And he wrote the song... Iron Eagle or Eagle oh okay and he wrote the song Iron Eagle or Enemy Mine

at one point the Lugas it says kid you've got the touch and then the guy was like that's the song and then I got used to

Transformers and Boogie Nights but did I get used to incidentally I also possessed the power and then was he was he

inspired by the Lugas it was it was in the yeah it was in Iron Eagle it wasn't like a turn on your heart light Was he inspired by the Lugosso movie? It was in Iron Eagle. It wasn't like a turn on your heart light situation where Neil Diamond saw E.T. But wrote this song later. The curious thing is... Music inspired by the film. It was, someone had discovered it in that animated Transformers movie.

And it's like, that's the song from Boogie Nights. So I looked up the Boogie Nights soundtrack, and it just says it's by Mark Wahlberg. Oh, really? They give no credit to that guy. Well, maybe the Boogie Nights soundtrack has the Mark Wahlberg version. Yeah. Oh, it does.

It is. But it should say written by this. It's so good. It is so good. It is. But it should say written by this. It's so good. It is so good. It's great. And the guy that wrote it, his other claim to fame is like he won a Grammy for like the soundtrack to some daytime soap opera. Like he wrote all the song for Guiding Light or something like that. Now, Graham and I have another podcast where we, this is serious, we try to

write a serious song and it's called Our Debut Album and I've always compared it to that Saturday Night Live sketch where the devil shows up and he doesn't know how to write songs. Will Ferrell as the devil. Or the

Metallica movie where they are all sitting around trying to come up with lyrics but it hadn't occurred to me that it's mostly like when uh mark walberg and john c reilly are writing feel my heat i really need to that's a movie that i think i should watch once a year but yeah it's because it's there's always some every time i watch it there's some new crazy thing that i was like oh yeah i forgot i forgot this was a comedy yeah or like the the last time i watched it was like oh yeah i forgot this whole scene where there's a kid running around throwing firecrackers right in alfred melina's house yeah i never get to that

far anymore there is it's i think it went down in history as one of the worst movies ever ishtar remember that was always a punchline right yeah but they in the beginning the first half of that movie where it's it's uh hoffman and you know hoff the hoff and uh dustin dustin and what who is warren beatty warren beatty god Beatty or Beatty whichever Ned anyway them coming up with songs at the piano it's Ned Beatty

and David Hasselhoff David Hasselhoff and squeal like a pig Beatty just doing banjo music no in the beginning

of Ishtar they are writing their song process it's really funny it's like them riffing back and forth and playing piano. And it's great. It's like one of the best things.

I haven't seen Hitchcock because of that. And then they go to the desert and it becomes the worst movie ever. But like, is it really that bad? There's worse. Yeah. I'm sure. It was because of the budget, right? Glitter or something is worse.

Oh, glitter. Glitter is one of those, though. It goes round the horn back to good again. Oh, okay. Because Glitter is the Mariah Carey film. Pulls the real showgirls on you. Yeah, it is. It's kind of like a lighter, frothier showgirls.

I think people got mad at Ishtar because it started like, oh, this is going to be good. And then they all just went asleep at the wheel yeah it was like i feel like water world was our ishtar yeah but it was mostly because that was the first movie to cost a hundred million dollars which is now seen as like big deal yeah like any movie can cost that really it was just a hundred it wasn't a full one million it was a hundred million and it was uh kevin costner oh it was a hundred million yeah okay wow it was a hundred million for uh but no movie had ever cost that much and so just the microscope was on it like and a big part of it was they built

this giant island thing and a good portion of it sank. Oh, because they just hadn't constructed it properly. And so they had to rebuild this giant part of it. They couldn't just fish it out. Yeah. I think it was probably made of fiberglass. Yeah. Wow.

It's probably the best movie that has a pee drinking scene. Yeah. Well, let's, let's wait till the Olympics are over. Yeah. Well, let's wait until the Olympics are over. Yeah, Costner, who Aquaman should be,

he has the neck gills. Yeah. I don't know why I'm always attacking You got the gills! Well, as somebody pointed out, a reviewer,

one of my favorite reviews of any movie was of Waterworld where the reviewer was like, listen, i don't want to spoil anything for you but in this movie there is no land it's all water and every character in the movie is covered in dirt i was like oh yeah everybody in the movie is filthy why there's

no dirt wow that's great yeah they'd all be squeaky clean. Yeah. Right? But everybody's got smears of oil and dirt on their face. Yeah, maybe it's oil from oil spills, but that never goes anywhere. You get a little bit of Dawn. You use it to clean ducklings.

So cute. But that movie probably made its money back. Oh, sure. People saw it and eventually there's those jet ski shows at universal studios or whatever oh yeah yeah and it's probably like one of those movies that people still watch sure every christmas have a wet christmas yeah um what's going on with you um i uh this past uh weekend i went to see uh jay arner's band they were out on a tour uh for a month and it's a friend of ours so i went to a rock and roll show uh-huh and i don't know i feel like i was the oldest guy there probably by oh yeah that's how i feel like a firm decade that's how i feel when i go to urban outfitters oh yeah uh yeah i don't know it's like do you go do you go to shows i

don't i should but i i went to the cure recently because i've always wanted to see the cure to the care i did as well yeah it was it was great it's crazy how his voice sounded the same he did all the songs i wanted to hear yeah it seems like a gracious, sweet person, and I had a great time. Not goth and dark at all. No, no, he's like the nicest guy ever. And has like a real posh accent. Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Like, is he British? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sorry. I thought maybe he could have had a posh, you know, Louisiana governor type of show. Joey is going to be a hot son. I do declare.

Julep. Mint julep. Everything sounds racist. Slippery little mint julep. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, they were fantastic. Slippery little Minjula Yeah yeah But yeah They were They were fantastic

And the band Before them Were great too Those were the only bands I stayed for Supermoon So Supermoon Was kind of like

A surf rock Kind of band And Jay Arner Has kind of a Kind of like a dreamy Dream pop Dream pop Yeah

And it was fun And the crowd was really great And it was hot as hell Oh it was so hot and it has kind of a dreamy... Dream pop? Dream pop, yeah. And it was fun, and the crowd was really great, and it was hot as hell. Oh, it was so hot. Where was this? It was at a place called the Red Gate? Yeah. But it was just that feeling of just like, uh-oh, Dad's here,

coming downstairs into the rumpus room, and kids are like, who's that? That's how I always feel at concerts now. Yeah. Because I like young, alt-y, fun bands and I feel old and I'm like, I don't belong here. I don't like bumping into people. I sound like a real grump, don't I?

Well, I went to our friends Aaron Gibson And Brian Safi They host the Podcast Throwing Shade Sure I know that one And they did a show Here the other night And it's about Gay issues

And feminist issues And I am I'm not a gay man Nor am I a woman You're not a feminist I was feeling bad I like what I like Feminists here. I was feeling bad. Thanks for taking that. I like what I like.

But their audience is predominantly women and gay guys. And so I felt a little bit like. A little bit odd man out. Yeah. Although a lot of bare ankles and I was there. I was on board with that. You probably really stood out because you seemed to me like kind of a bro. Yeah. and I was there. I was on board with that. You probably really stood out because you seemed to me

like kind of a bro. Yeah. Oh, for sure. I was wearing like four visors. And your Under Armour hunting shirt. Yeah. Not the like

army camouflage. Yeah. The stick and twig camouflage. Yeah. Real tree trademark. Yeah. The stick and twig camouflage. Yeah. Real tree trademarked camo. I was, well, I had just been up all night camping out outside Cabela's. Yeah. To get the new taxidermy putty knife.

Yeah. So that's a weird thing. If you ever have to camp out outside a camping store yeah that's a real tent but that's why i'm waiting in line there's a uh not far from where we record the podcast there's a uh a gun store and uh twice a year they'll have like a big like a really big sale and so if you all you can eat all you all you can shoot uh and uh the lineup of people is the strangest group of it's all men uh but strangest group of men that you ever want to imagine like of course it's not but i really

thought i thought the people who would go to a gun sale and know what time it was going on and line up would be a uniform type of guy, whatever guy that is. You would wish or hope. Yeah, but it's all ages, all looked like all different kind of money levels and all different races. It was a real multi-ethnic, not multi, it was only guys. There was, oh, I don't think there were any women in the lineup the last one I saw.

But it was, I was like, I thought it would just be, you know, like, picture a hunter in your head. So you think guns kind of bring people together. Yeah. In a way, I kind of think guns across America. Good for society. I'd like to buy the world a gun. I'm a Christian.

I'm not a Christian, nor am I white. Well, let's shake hands, sir, because one thing we have in common is our love of guns. We want to shoot shit. Guns are the worst thing. It's funny. I really. We want to shoot shit. Oh, guns are the worst thing. It's funny. I really don't care for them. Not me neither. Like, I'm not a gun guy, but this gun store does fascinate me because I don't know in

Los Angeles if gun stores, are they, are there a lot of gun stores? Not like when I go to Montana and I forget. So if you go to Montana, there's gun stores, like every neighborhood would have a gun store? Is that? No. No? No, that would be scary.

Yeah. But yeah, they're easy to get. But there's a lot of hunting and I guess it's, but I just don't understand the handgun thing. What if everyone just had mace? I think guns should go away and we all just mace each other. Yeah, mace is a good equalizer. You ever been sprayed in the face with pepper spray?

Oh, man. Not even in the face. I was just near it and I had to take a walk. Yeah, it works. And if everyone had that, it's like, hey, stop doing that. And spraying with mace, it's like, ah, you got me. What if that? Yeah, I do like a more of a mace-based society.

My plan will never happen by the way mace-based society but that line would be gentle because in in a world of all maces the man with a gun is kicking yes but then they'll just have you know bigger mace yeah that's like you know you know who needs a military like why do we have mace. Yeah, that's true. Like, you know, who needs a military, like, why do we have a mace that can shoot this many maces in a second? This much of a cloud

every second. Any maces per second. You don't need rapid fire mace launchers. We're right back where we were. So you went to a concert to a concert i went to a rock and roll show it was really a really enjoyable i don't know why i don't do that every weekend like i thoroughly enjoy it but i do realize like i've moved into the into the you're a nerd yeah the older echelon

of rock show and it was really hot like there are so many venues that are just you know from may to september they're just a sweat box yeah yeah yeah and this wasn't like this wasn't a show where people were dancing aggressively or anything it was just even by just standing you were just like just but it's fun to wake up in the morning you have a stamp thing on your wrist you got one yep that's from my show

this is from a different show that I went to last night but uh yeah it's fun mine's worn off but yeah

but it's like a fun thing that you remember from being like a younger person you're like oh yeah the stamp you get a stamp and you

that meant you had a good time sure yeah and if your teacher gives you the that means you had a good time. Sure. Yeah. And if your teacher gives you a sticker, it means you did a good job. Oh, boy. Do we want to move on to some overheard? Yes, please.

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Overheard's a segment in which we hear the things out there in the world, and then we talk about them here on the old podcast. And we always like to start with the guest, if you would be so willing. Well, I don't. It's usually verbatim. One time I heard, well, there was a kid talking, and I was in a town. It's called Browning. It's a native, it's a reservation town.

They happen to have this giant skate park. It's kind of cool. Skate parks are popping up in these reservation towns and these kids who have nothing to do are now skateboarding. But the park was just surrounded by people cartoonishly passed out around the park. People sleeping in the street. There was cop cars everywhere racing around like tribal police, and a guy was smoking out of a light bulb.

Like very poor, and really, I had heard stories about browning, but it was bad. And this kid I overheard say, yeah, my uncle beat them up because they cut off my grandpa's ear this morning and one of them hurt my hand. And he had a bandage around his hand. And I was like, what did you say, sweet little boy? Like, oh, my grandpa got beat up by, I overheard. So then I had a conversation. So what I overheard was they beat up my grandpa,

cut off his ear, and then they hurt my hand. Wow. And I talked to this kid and he's, yeah, his grandpa, these eight guys, jumped his grandpa and hit him with clubs and stuff and cut his ear off. Can you, like, I've always

thought. His hand got hurt. I guess he was with his grandpa and so then his uncle found these guys, beat them up. Beat up eight guys? And then he said. Probably, probably in, you know. Like Daredevil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, one Daredevil scene.

One at a time. They were young kids. Like an old boy. And this guy's big uncle went and found them all. And so the cops driving around where he said, those people, the cops are looking for my uncle. I'm like, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, well, it's all right. And then he just skated. Jeez. Yeah.

Browning, Montana is a rough ass. Why were you there? I was, I had heard it was really bad. So I was, I was, we were having our 40,

everyone turned 40. We went up on the high bad, so I wanted to know. We were having our 40, everyone turned 40. We went up on the High Line, pretty near the Canadian border, and we were just camping in these, or staying in these cabins, me and all my childhood pals. Oh, okay. They're all grown-ups with their kids, and we went, our old asses went to that skate park, and it's this giant, amazing skate park, but it's a grim-ass town.

And you went up with friends from high school? Even, I've known most of those guys since, yeah, elementary school, or middle school. I met them all around seventh, eighth grade. I will be 40 in four or five years, depending on when this episode comes out. Sure, sure, sure. You have a lot of editing to do.

My birthday's in December. Trim the fat on that snooze fest. I wonder what my, if I would do what, like, I wouldn't go to a skate park. I never skateboarded, but what would I do with my childhood friends? What would you do? Probably find a guy, cut his ear off.

It was you. I mean, it will be me. I think what I have with my friends is rare. I just went back again, and we all did that again. We all went skating. Are they going back, or are they still there? Most of my pals live in Montana. I just fly back.

There's times where 10 of my friends will pick me up at the airport. We're just all still really a tight-knit group. That's what my brothers and their friends are like. They still hang out with people that they met when they were seven years old. Yeah, it's cool. It's very cool. Yeah, and we acknowledge it. We're like, I don't think a lot of friends have that.

People have that group of friends still. It's true. It's a rare thing. I have about five friends from that age that I still a rare thing. I have about five friends from that age that I still see regularly. And I have about five friends after that that I still see regularly.

Ten friends. Yeah, ten friends. Yeah. You don't need any more. It'll be hard to keep track of them. It's about right. Yeah. Dave, do you have an overt?

I do. Mine is from, this is just a split second of a conversation from when I was in Toronto a month and a half ago. I was just on this hustle bustle corner in a crosswalk. Traffic had stopped and these businessmen were walking by. And I just heard this one guy for half a second say, women here eat potato skins.

Hey, man, it's just a local thing. We use every part of the potato here, and that's just how we are. So I don't know if he was talking to someone and being like, that can't be a deal breaker for you. What women here do. Or it's so exciting, like, guys, women here eat potato skins. You know who we were saying they don't? They do.

Did you then sing the popular Keebler jingle? Tater skins got extra tater appeal because they're made with potatoes and skins that are real. I don't think we had that commercial. I haven't heard it, but it's great. Yeah. It's like an old folk song. I haven't seen it.

Something, something bacon, sour, keen, and chives. Tasty baked potato, you won't believe your eyes. I don't know why I remember commercial jingles, but there's got to be a game show or something I could be on. And there's a... Name that jingle. Jingle jingles. And what's the product?

It is a cracker. It's a potato cracker. It's a potato cracker. A chip, if you will. It's as if it were... Imagine a potato heart, and you chisel off thin chips of potato. And so on one side, it's like brown.

Oh, it's been skinned. And that's the skin, which is not... That's just... They put some food coloring on it. Do they still make Keebler commercials? And then the other side is like the topping, like white and...

Cheese and chives. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. What... Do they... Because i remember the commercials in the in the tree trunk yeah sure but i haven't seen them in years do they still have i don't think yeah it's been a while maybe during global warming yeah thanks a lot outdoor yeah right because now their habitat is getting eliminated they They're less of a magical world when they live in the root system underneath the tree

trying to survive. Just filthy culls. It seems weird because they're not... They're cartoon commercials, so you'd think kids would be into them, but they're not kid products. No.

It's not like a breakfast cereal or whatever. Did you hear the ad like salt? It was cookies for businessmen. Yeah. They would show the ads, you know, during night court. Cookies for business. I like it. That's a market that hasn't been tapped.

Yeah, sure. Open up your briefcase. Yeah, or just a big board meeting and everybody's got cookies out there. I like cookies. I'm a grown up. I don't have a sweet tooth. I wish you made a cheese and chive cookie. Chive cookie.

You're in luck, sir. A talking tree elf. Made by an elf. Get out of my office. Wait, try this first. Try this. Before you decide to do yourself in, try this first. Try this. Before you decide to do yourself in, try this first. He takes one bite, turns into a, you know, surfer.

Yeah. Whoa. Gnarly. Guitar. This is the type of board meeting I was talking about. And then he looks down his shorts and he's like, whoa, my dick's bigger. Thanks, Al. That was's bigger. Thanks, elf. That was a scene from Big, I think.

Oh, shit. Surf dick. That is a scene from Big. Surf dick. I said surf dick. Why isn't that the entire movie Big? Like, once he discovers that wouldn't he just be like

well see ya yeah I've got work to do just Tom Hanks furiously masquerading yeah just banging it on the

his new dick with a clock that just you watch an hour and a half pass you see the pages fall off the calendar he's got a full beard.

He gets arrested for banging his dick on the keyboard at FAO Schwartz. He's just a bearded Forrest Gump masturbating. That's how excited he is. Oh, that was fun. Oh, boy. That was fun. Hey, Graham, do you have an overheard? I do.

Mine is courtesy of two, let's call them gutter punk chicks. Oh, sure. Getting on the bus. And the bus is here. And I imagine that other cities do have a front door where you're supposed to board. And then a back door where you get off. Right. And sometimes these ne'er-do-wells sneak on the back door so they don't have to

pay. Like the song Ragdoll by Aerosmith. Exactly. You leave them by the back door. Daddy's little kitty. So these two snuck on they didn't pay and they were talking like super loud like they were in a club and they sat down and the

one girl just said to the other and she said see and that's just our generation we're more polite i was like oh okay that's great yeah yeah the there are buses where you are supposed to go on the back though aren't there the 99 but this was not i can't figure that out uh how do you pay there's the little scan thing for your card. But the 99 is the only exception to the on-front. Everybody knows it. All the bus riders know the rules.

These gals knew that they were busting the system. Have you ever snuck on the back? No, I'm a citizen. I'm a citizen. I'm contributing. Yeah. I'm not some kind of freeloading Freddy. I've never done it because I have 275, but also because you see people sneak on the back and they are just nervous the whole time.

I would be sweating bullets. Somebody snuck on the back. This was like a week ago. Snuck on the back. I don't think out of that he didn't have money. He was just trying to get a seat. And people called him out. Ooh, did they call him out.

Even the bus driver was yelling at him. It was great. Yeah, it is cool. It's cool when you see justice. Instant justice. Embarrassing justice. The best kind. Now we also have overheard sent in to us by people around the world.

If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Heather K. in Toronto. I'm sitting at the bar in the CN Tower.

Like, that's the local hangout. Sure. I'm at the Empire State Building because I'm a New Yorker. I'm at the bar in the Statue of Liberty. Eavesdropping on the table behind me, they're looking out the window across the lake and one lady says, Can you bike to that island or do you need to take a boat? Always. Always with an island.

Guarantee. Boat Or submarine Or one of those You can bike one of those Things you rent Yeah With the big With the big wheel

Yeah Those are fun Those don't go as As fast as you'd like them to No None of those things do None of the Little paddle boats

Don't go as fast As you'd want Jet skis do though Oh boy They're the best So much fun I guess jet skis Are kind of a paddle boat. Or if you're synod, they need to make those.

Like a water bike. Water bikes. Yeah. Someone draw it up. When are they putting water biking in the Olympics? Oh, it'll get there. But it's always been such sort of like a counterculture sport. Yeah.

I'm worried. What is the counterculture sport right now? Hula hooping? Yeah, I guess so. Like, that's something I see people only in a park doing. Oh, what's the thing that you hate? Oh, slacklining. Slacklining.

Slacklining, yeah. I hate it, too. But you tweeted about it the other day. I was like, oh, yeah, slacklining. That's another thing you just see in a park. I hate it too. But you tweeted about it the other day. I was like, oh yeah, slack lining. That's another thing you just see in a park. I tried it once in San Francisco. These guys were doing it and they were nice. And they're like, do you want to try it?

And it's, I had no idea this would happen, but I got on it and started jiggling. And then all of a sudden it flipped me and body slammed me. I hit my back hard. I'm like, how, why'd that happen? Yeah, it's very dangerous. You weren't high enough. No, no.

Once you put it between those twin towers, then it's no problem. This next one comes from Patrick P. Location unknown. I was at a Home Depot with my fiance, and we were in the hardware department looking for a new doorknob. We overheard what we hope was a couple

a few feet away. Woman, so do you want the brass or the stainless finish? Man, look at my face. Do I look like I give a shit? It's a hard thing. Knob life. It's a hard not life it is it's a hard knob life yeah uh i've never been in a relationship that that got that far well no that ever entailed us to go to home zippo because i've also never owned a place so I haven't been allowed to change doorknobs or whatever.

Or if I did, I'd have to change the back when I moved out. So I've never had that experience. You? Whenever I move out of a place, I'll be like, fine, I'm leaving and I'm taking all my doorknobs. One time I moved out of a place and took all the light bulbs.

That's a good way to stick it to the van. To smoke out of. I've never owned the light bulbs. That's a good way to stick it to the wall. It's a smoke out of. I've never owned it. I'm just like you. What about like, yeah, I mean, I want to renovate.

You can go to, they have gardening stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have never been in the position where like,

I've been in a relationship and we're like, yeah, let's go get a thing. Let's go to the deep. Yeah, let's go. Yeah, I've only ever gone because I

broke something and need to fix it. That's my only trip to Home Depot. It's like, no, I'm on the hook for this. I can't replace the whole light fixture but like... Do you guys sell vases? No. Do you sell glue? Like you're ever gonna... They never want to help

you. The Home Depot's I go to. Do you work here? Yeah. And then they walk away. Bye. Mix your own paint, dick. I will. That'd be fun.

Yeah. That would be fun. A smidgen of cobalt blue. Yeah. A smidgen of cobalt white. Yeah. It comes out always brown. Just mixing too many colors.

I just love all the colors so much. I'm going to make swamp water um this last one comes from rachel k okay so this is the scene okay a huge guys supermarket in chicago at night around 9 30 p.m an agitated guy in a suit and tie is pacing up and down the jam slash honey slash nutella i gotta get my business cookies yeah he's talking to a skinnier younger guy also in a suit and tie pacing man is visibly uncomfortable and carrying nothing no briefcase no basket no other grocery item and he's saying it's peanut butter and jam right not peanut butter peanut butter and jelly. Where's the jam here? I'm only seeing jelly.

Where's the jam? It's totally peanut butter and jelly, right? It's peanut butter and either. Yeah. But this is a guy who, this is his first ever trip to the supermarket, I guess. But you don't get, you would, what's the difference? Jam is what you would get. Jelly, I think of like.

I don't know. Like that whole world, I just of like... I don't know. Like that whole world, I just know... Oh yeah, you're allergic to peanut butter. Yeah, like it's not a... And like it's not something that I... You don't just buy a jam and put... I mean, some people do. British people.

Put a marmalade on toast. No, you do. No, I know people do, but I don't. So that's an aisle that I don't ever, I don't know what a jelly is. I don't know what a jam is. I've never in my life bought jelly or jam. I just. Really?

I'm a grown ass man. When I was a kid, I would eat marmalade on toast at my grandparents' house. And that's the only time, I think maybe once somebody gave me a jelly. Jelly? That I ate with a spoon in front of my computer. It's been Googled. Yeah. So shut up.

No, you shut up. Jelly has no texture, right? Yeah. Jelly is made strictly from the juice of the fruit, while jam is made from the crushed fruit. Ah, I guess. So you'll get seeds and pulp and stuff. Yeah, my mom made, we had like an apricot tree or a plum tree. I don't know.

She made jam and jelly and wine in the tub. I'd have to shower downstairs or two. Drink it. Pass out. Listen and don't worry,

be happy. Did she really make Wow, that all just came in a big swarm. Did she really make apricot wine?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Had like a distilling device with tubes, put it in the tub, made this wine. Cool.

Yeah, that is pretty cool. Threw it back. I kind of feel like that's something I could get into. Making like moonshine. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it wasn't good fruit. If you pluck it off, it's like, this is bitter. So the wine Could not have been

Well it's Alcohol sweetens it Yeah okay Yeah I don't know I think No You know what

Put some jelly in there I think that is what you do You somehow ferment it Add sugar Yeah And when it's In danger of exploding That's when you know

It's time to drink it Every Every summer Except this summer I make a rhubarb cordial. I didn't make it this year, but I mean, I don't ferment anything. I just combine

sugar, rhubarb, and vodka. And let it sit. And it just sits a nice pink drink. Because I need something pink. My doctor said I need to drink more pink. Yeah, yeah. In addition, I overheard... I need to drink more stink. I'm sorry.

No, don't do that. For every two pinks, you need one stink. Yeah, it's important. It's a balance. It's how you balance out the universe. It's the food triangle. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls if you would like to call us. Our phone number is 1-844-SPY-POD1. That is 1-UGH-SPYPOD1.

1-844-FABTHUN. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham, it's Jerry from Seattle. So, I was just on the bus going up the road. A grungy dude says to a kind of ditzy lady, oh, she's a Scorpio, they know how to fuck. And then she says, yeah, they can really lay it down. Quite sure what that meant.

Yeah, do ladies lay it down? Regardless, as long as you're a scorpio you lay it down yeah that's the way you're laying pipe yeah gross women lay the best pipe yeah that's true women scorpios because they're like scorpions um yeah i don't uh i don't even think of scorpions as particularly sexual but maybe that's that's my prejudice that's weird yeah i think they're the sexiest of the bugs sexiest of the stingers yeah what's a sexier bug than a scorpion ladybug no they're cute they're like they're the kind of bug you want to marry. I'm just talking about what bug do you want to fuck. Oh, boy.

I mean, millipede. Legs that go up to there. And what else? Those stick bugs? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're very exotic. A praying mantis. No, they bite your head off after.

Exactly. That's what I'm into. My safe word is decapitate me. Alright, here's your next message. Here's your next phone call. Hi, this is Hannah from St. Genevieve, Missouri, calling with an overheard. I was in Virginia, and I was leaving my hotel room, walked past a guy standing outside smoking, looking very dejected on the phone and he said, I heard him say

yeah, the other night I hung out with Sarah and I shouldn't have did that because now Katie's mad at me and my dog's dead. Thanks guys. Oh no. So I hung out with Sarah

now she's mad at me because her dog's dead? And Katie's mad at me. And my dog's dead. Oh, man. What? Like, talk about your all-time bad days. It's like a country song. Yeah, that's implying that every time you hang out with Sarah, well, you know the routine.

Katie's mad and the dog's dead. So, it's off to the SPCA. I knew going in. Yeah. dog's dead so it's off to the spca i knew going in yeah sarah's just like a chained up zombie in a basement who lost after dog blood and she's gone through like 10 dogs or is katie so i think sarah katie's mad sarah fucked her killed the dog oh okay yeah katie's mad because it was her dog you why do you bring the dog to see sarah i know but know, but it gets so excited and then it dies. Really, Joey's a company.

Oh, man. That was sadder than my, I mean. Good. At least in mine, just a grandpa lost his ear. Yeah. You know what's crazy about that is you feel like by the time you get to grandpa age. You're not getting. You're not getting your ear cut off.

You're not getting. You're not getting your ear cut off. Well, this kid was so young and I bet I'm at an age where technically I could be a grandpa, you know? Yeah. I think this grandpa was like a young. Once you've turned big. Yeah. And you. It's a 42-year-old going out to beat up some 17-year-olds.

Yeah. Once. Yeah. Once you get. This kid's dad was 15. Once a fortune machine turns you big

like Tom Hanks yeah you then just start impregnating people yeah once you see that dick

boom that's a guitar boom surf dick here's your final overheard I just keep hey Dave Graham and likely guest haven final overheard I just keep Hey Dave Graham and likely guest

I haven't overheard Was just at the grocery store And a youngster probably about 8 years old Shouted down the aisle Mom mom There's a new flavor of V8 Mom come quick Yeah nerdy kid

I wonder what the flavor was I'm as curious as anybody well grape V8 now has yeah it's got fruit it's just like you know what

enough of this pretending we'll chop up yeah we'll have an illustration of fruit on it but it's just yeah

it's just cherry high fruit yeah we'll say we're hiding you know celery in it but it's just cherry. High fruit toast. Yeah. We'll say we're hiding celery in it, but it's just Tropical Punch. Yeah. Yeah, V8 and Tropical Punch are basically the same servings. Right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you get as much fruit as you do vegetables. Was it the Hawaiian Punch commercials where the guy would just punch someone? I think so. I don't remember. But they were like 50s commercials or 60s commercials that they brought back in the 90s. That's always weird when an ad campaign where they're like, yeah, that's still good.

Yeah. Kids who haven't been born remember this, right? Yeah. Or they've never seen it. It's good and new to them. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Chris, do you have anything coming up? This is going to come out on the 29th of August to the end of this here episode. Chris, do you have anything coming up? This is going to come out.

On the 29th of August, the end of summer. Do you have anything coming up in September? Well, I don't know yet if I'm still hosting Almost Genius on TruTV. I don't know if you guys get TruTV. We don't get TruTV. Okay. It's a show I do. Most of our listeners are in the States. Yeah, yeah. guys get true we don't get true tv okay it's a it's a it's a show i do it for fun we can't most

of our listeners are in the states yeah yeah well uh it's i do a show called uh almost genius we haven't heard if we're getting more episodes so we're both like are we still doing this but i imagine and that's with april richardson yeah april and i and she and i also will be in atlanta september 10th That springs to mind immediately But that's maybe enough Yeah Let me In the

August I don't know why I'm doing it In the year Is it J-Len? Totally Perfect I've never done it Nailing it

Yeah I'm in LA most of August So look Check out my Twitter At Chris Fairbanks At Chris Fairbanks Thank you

Thanks for being a guest. It was so fun. I laughed really hard. Yeah, fun. Good time. Good summertime fun. We had fun, too. Yeah.

We like fun. Yeah. I like riffing. If you like fun, why don't you go to MaximumFun.org? Check out the blog recap, pictures and videos

relating to the content of this year episode. Sure. The video of that song from Caddyshack. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Maybe if you can find a video of a diver losing their trunks. Sure.

I mean, a lot of the Olympic footage is not available. I would request the Tata Skins commercial jingle. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Keebs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah. The Keebs.

Oh, yeah, sure. We're doing some live shows coming up in October. We'll be in, on the 7th, we will be in Edmonton at the Up and Downtown Festival. Yeah. Yeah, I want to see all you Albertans. Yeah. From High and Low. I want to see all you Albertans. Yeah. From High and Low. I want to see you Oilers,

your Flames. From the Prairies to the Valleys. All of y'all. The next day, October 8th, we'll be in Saskatoon doing a live podcast. Yeah. Get into it,

University Town. Have you ever been to Saskatoon? Many times. Oh, me neither. We're also doing in September, it's September, right? The Pecha

Pecha Kucha That's sold out No Forget it You can't come And October 22nd We're in Victoria BC Right

And Thanks so much For listening If you like the show You can leave a review On iTunes That always helps us out And

If you like the show too Tell your friends And come on back next week For another episode Of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.