Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 445 - Kyle Bottom

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

Comedian Kyle Bottom returns to talk fun proposals, hit and runs, and squeamishness.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 445 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who just updated to the new OS on his phone. And I didn't, and I don't think our guest did, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it's problematic.

Yeah, they always are. There's no... You know what I like? Four OS's to go. Oh, that was my sweet OS. Do you ever, has it ever happened where you've upgraded and you're like, finally, they did the thing I dreamed of? There's 72 new emoji. One for every version I'm going to get after the big day. Are any of them good emojis? There's the pride flag.

It's mostly just, there's now a male and female version of everything oh i so no it's no longer a woman getting a haircut now everyone can get a haircut no that's fun there's no longer just a male buckingham palace card do you think that uh given enough time we'll just eventually go back to like cave painting style way of communicating? I'm counting on it. Our guest today, a return guest to the podcast, very funny comedian, has a brand new album out on Bandcamp called... Album. Album. It's Mr. Kyle Bottom is our guest.

Hi, thanks for having me, guys. Sounds like you're getting close to the end of language soon, too. It's called an album. Yeah, it's a real stripped down, no microphone, just a man and a stage. No audience. Album. Yeah. Should we get to know it? Yeah.

Get to know us. Now, Graham, when you do your one-man shows at Fringe festivals, microphone? Uh, depends on the venue. So the last year, yes, but the year before, no. Because if it's too small a venue and you're there with a microphone, it feels pretty obnoxious. Yeah. Uh, cause if it's too small, a venue and you're there with a microphone feels pretty obnoxious. Um, uh, uh, why release the album on band camp and not on the, uh, the iTunes like everybody.

Oh, because you can release things for free on band camp and to release it on iTunes, it's like $70. And I was like too rich for my blood. Yeah, you're like, well, there's no chance of me recouping that investment. Is this your first album? Yes. And, like, now do you retire all the old stuff? Some of the jokes, because I recorded it, like, a year ago, some of the jokes have changed just a little bit since then.

So you're like, those still count as fresh. Yeah, anything that's changed since then is fresh but yeah for i think that was the idea was try and record as much of the material that i was doing and kind of just put it to the side not retire it for good because now you know if i have to do like an hour on the road yeah and you're like okay well yeah just bring a stack of newspapers. What's in the news? What's in the news? I thought every comedian wrote a new hour every year. That's what we're supposed to be doing. Someone just fall behind.

That's the dream. That's the dream. I thought that was industry standard. I haven't done stand-up in many years, but I will still occasionally, and very occasionally, go see a live show. And it's heartwarming to me that some of the jokes that I remember from back then are still being performed by local comedians. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, it's...

Yeah, some jokes you never retire, right? No, for sure. Because men and women are different. That's true. And they will always be different. Yeah. But, you know, now you can say men be shopping, women be shopping because of these new emojis. Yeah, yeah.

Men be bugging at Palace Cards as well as women. By the way, those two emoji, indistinguishable because it's a chin. You're seeing a chin. yeah yeah are there women buckingham palace guards in in real life i don't know neither do i i don't know i don't i don't know they're they're like uh they're the second silliest guard costume number one silliest vatican city oh the swiss guard yeah they have very like clowny costume i mean i wouldn't say that to their face you probably cut my head off there's a lot of like most guards are dumb looking have you seen yeah there's the tower of london ones that are like the beefeater guys yeah those are those are pretty uh like

it's it's too much i'm. It's like front and back cape. Yeah, like a bib and a cape. Just wear a cape. You won't look silly. That's probably because of all that beef they're eating. There's a crazy guard ceremony at, like, the border between India and Pakistan every day. And all of the guards have, like, really intense mustaches and do these crazy high kicks. Cool.

Yeah. It's right up your alley. Yeah. Yeah. Like, uh, my, I think my favorite guards of all time are the ones in the wizard of Oz that, uh, they, they kind of look like the Lundegaard. They've got giant hats. Oh, okay.

Like gray. The trees? No, the trees were just out in the woods. Are you thinking of the, uh. They were guarding the forest. Yeah. Those card people from Alice in Wonderland? Yeah, those are probably...

That's the best costume you can get in terms of guard-wise. Yeah. And also... Card guards. You're engaged. I did get engaged. Yeah, you're going to get... Well, I assume you're going to get married.

Or are you just going to stay engaged? Nope. No,, you're, uh, you're going to get, well, I assume you're going to get married. Yep. Or are you just going to stay engaged? Uh, nope. No, we already have a date. Really? Yeah, we already booked a venue. Oh, oh, that kind. Well, cause, so it's the beginning of September right now.

Yeah. And I proposed like 10 days ago and we want to get married next summer. How did you propose? You're going to love it. I am going to love it. Okay. So we were, we were Okay. So we were gone for Labor Day weekend. We were out of town with some

friends at like a cabin and we were playing one of those group games where you take turns. Everyone writes something down. Someone asks a question. Everyone writes something down. Is this Apples to Apples or something? No, it was called What? Okay. Yeah.

From the makers of album yeah yeah game so everyone takes turns um reading out the question and then that person gathers up everybody's papers and then reads them all out and picks their favorite and then everyone has to guess who wrote it oh okay so there's like six or seven of us playing this game and four rounds in, it's my now fiance, it's my girlfriend's... Is it fun to say fiance? No, it's the dumbest word in the English language.

It's from the French. It's not even in the English language. Every time I say fiance, I think fancy Beyonce. Yeah. every time I say fiance I think fancy Beyonce yeah

but it's it's Rachel's turn to read out the answers and so she she reads the first one

and then she flips it over and the second one is written by me and it says wouldn't it be funny if I proposed right now and then I just pop the ring out

I was sitting right next to her. Popped the ring out, proposed. Super funny, super sweet. That's fun. And she kept the slip of paper that I wrote that on. But this was the fourth round. And the first round, my answer was butt lubing. That's attached to that memory.

Oh, yeah. The flip side um and had you planned it out did you know you were gonna do that oh yeah like i had the i didn't know how i was gonna do it until because we were there for like friday saturday i did it on sunday night and i was trying to procrastinate yeah was there a bunch of times where you were like, oh no, this isn't right? Yeah, I was like, how do I,

and then it finally came to me on Saturday night. So yeah, I did it on Sunday and it was great. So you, were you the guy that was like, we gotta play what? And everybody's like,

I don't know. And he's like, no, we gotta. No, I just got the cable working. We're not gonna play. No, my best friend was there. So And he's like, no, we got to, no, I just got the cable working. We're not going to play. No, my, uh,

my best friend was there. So he kind of like, I wasn't there. Oh yeah. I forgot my best friend, Dave Shumka. My man's best friend. I come over.

Yeah. I come over once a year. You a baby now um so uh this was this was like a you and the best friend or did everybody know except for her that you were going to propose no it's just me and him okay so like he had his he when it was her turn to read he like popped his phone up and was recording oh nice, nice. Yeah, I got it all. And did everybody freak out when you proposed? Oh, yeah. Like, were they like, we never, oh my God. Especially because I don't know if you know Peter Carlone

from Peter and Chris, but he was there and the entire time, the entire time it was going on, like the proposal, he was like, is this happening? Like, this is real. Like, he just couldn't wrap his head around it um are you the first of your kind of inner group of friends to get engaged no my friend brandon got married like three years ago i bought a suit for that wedding right after i got out of the hospital for my appendicitis and so i was like 20 pounds lighter so that's a big appendix i bought a

suit i could never use again it's got a hole for the fluids and stuff i don't remember that did you yeah i had bad appendicitis like did you they take it out yeah but i had it for like a year oh and so i just had like this poisonous bomb inside. Did you, were you, is that what caused you to lose weight? Um, I think it was, so it was like two weeks after, or three weeks after I got out of the hospital, I got the suit. And you, you know, you're not eating like a normal amount after you have surgery. Especially because like it affects your intestinal tract, right? So you're like

not pooping really for the first like week or so. Tell me less. When does the poops come? I've never had a major organ surgery.

I've been stitched up but I've never been I've never had something. Skin is the biggest organ in the body. Yeah. And you know what? The brain, sexiest organ.

Yeah, the most sexual organ, because it thinks about a penis every seven seconds. Yeah. And it tells blood, get in there. Well, that's very exciting. Are you going to get married married here in town or is this an away wedding

no no yeah we're gonna um the venue we got is in richmond so it's pretty close to transit and it should be good that's i like that as a selling point close to transit dave are you doing curls yeah just uh I just thought I would do a little bit of just some reps. Well, Rachel and I went to a wedding last summer that was on Grouse Mountain, which was a lot of fun, but then at the end of the wedding, it was like

what the hell do we do now? Yeah, what did you do? We like, Rachel was in the wedding party, and I like convinced her that we had to leave in order to get like a free ride home. I was like it's 1130, we like Rachel was in the wedding party and I like convinced her that we had to leave, uh, in order to get like a free ride home. I was like, it's 1130. We should go. Oh, okay.

Yeah. What does the, like, I assume everybody takes the gondola. You take the gondola down, but then you're at the base of Grouse mountain. Like you need to call a taxi. All right. Yeah. That's expensive. So I was like, we had a free ride that was leaving at 1130, and I was like, get out of here.

Was this a couple, like two hikers or something? I don't know. I think it's just a really nice venue. Yeah. Because you're at the top of the mountain. You can see the city and everything. Yeah. I've never been up there.

Oh, it's really nice. You should come with me when I go hiking. Yeah, you grind it. I've grounded a couple times. How long does it take you to get there? Is it an hour of walking up a hill? I forget. I always think it's like 20 minutes.

And then at the 20 minute mark, you're like, It depends on your physical fitness. Oh yeah, which is very low. Like an hour 30. I'm like physical fitness of somebody who's just gone through surgery. Well, you should buy yourself a suit to celebrate. A post-op suit.

They just have a store like a Moors right across the street from the hospital. And it ties up in the back like a hospital gown. That was a pretty good idea. That is a good idea. That was a pretty good idea. That is a good idea. I think you were at 1130, a wedding party or not, everyone's free to go. Oh, yeah, totally.

Yeah, because what happens post? I want to give the midnight speech. Yeah. And people, maybe they'll smoke cigars or something or they'll. Yeah. Or, you know, they just want to to like some people come to a wedding ready to party right like this one uh they want to drink their face off yeah like one o'clock or two o'clock in the morning i go to meet women oh yeah how does your wife feel about that she's she's got her own thing going on yeah she's there to get wasted chocolate wasted which grown-ups is that from one i think it was from part one but then they definitely did a

call back to it in the sequel um so uh that's an exciting thing i don't wait you were probably the last time you were here you guys were dating but now you're yep you live together yes you have a dog together we have a dog and uh you were you were a full-on cat person before. I loved cats, but I was allergic to them, so that was a downside. What's the difference between dog and cat? Allergies. Oh, I thought you were just like, what's the difference between a dog and a cat? Dogs go bark bark, and cats go meow meow.

It's kind of like they're similar, but there are differences. I think cats generally just like shed a lot more. And they're always like up in your business. Yeah, they're always trying to rub their glands on you. Yeah, cats want to like sleep on your face if they can get away with it. Yeah, okay. Whereas like my dog wants to sleep in my armpit. Which like there's no nose down there ah just have at it do you sleep with the dog oh hell yeah oh fun well i remember for like the first week we got him we're like okay

he has to sleep on the couch he's not allowed on the bed and then sleep on the couch oh the luxury he's gotta sleep on this very expensive piece furniture, not a pillow on the floor. Yeah. Oh, man. I mean, if you gave him that much latitude off the bat, of course he was going to get into bed. Within the first week. Yeah. And we love it now.

I mean, now it's like, it's weird if he's not in bed with us when we go to bed. Yeah. I've never had, I've never slept with a pet. It's great. I mean. i would die in my sleep why don't you get a snake or something yeah like a big boa constrictor sleep with a snake just wake up every morning as it's wrapping itself around my neck or it's just got it's like it's unhinged it's strong I just wake up like a sleep cat I just had the most terrifying dream

oh no it's true slither get off there slither yeah or you know goldfish bowl aquarium yeah do you ever

Let grandpa sleep with you guys? 100% of the time Oh is he always in there? From the time he was a little puppy up until When Abby got very pregnant The first time She by the end He did not like being in the bed

With that much Human But he's come back he did not like being in the bed with that much human. Right. But he's come back. And, but that'll soon happen again. Yeah. He's got to,

he's got to move on down the road, but then he'll come back. Oh yeah. But he's got so like, there's so many places around the house. There's just, he's got a crate. He's got a bed on the floor at the foot of our bed, a bed on the floor in another room. Oh yeah. There's just, he's got a crate. He's got a bed on the floor, at the foot of our bed, a bed on the floor in another room.

Oh yeah. He's well, he's well bedded. Yeah. Especially when the other dog is here and now it's just, it's just bedlam. I mean, thanks guys. Is it like, is it ever, because you know, like, is it ever too hot to have a little dog? Like in the summertime to have like this little like hot water bottle? No.

No, it's not bad. The hottest part of the dog is like his belly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he keeps that all tucked up inside. Aw. Oh boy, dogs love to tuck things up. He's just a little pillow, basically. Yeah. Well, that's fun.

That's a fun thing. Yeah, we almost named him Graham too. I don't know why you didn't. Why did you almost? Well, we were just kind of going back and forth, like deciding we wanted it to be a human name for sure. And then we were playing around with the idea of Graham because he's like the color of Graham crackers.

Okay. Yeah. But then Kevin Banner was like, you can't name your dog after one of your friends. And so I was like, oh, we're going to name him Kevin Banner. Yeah. Oh, Kevin Banner would be a good name for a dog. Anybody out there that's looking for a name, Kevin Banner. What did you go with?

Igor. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, Igor's a good dog name. And a good human name. Yeah? Igor. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, Igor's a good dog name. And a good human name. Yeah, totally. Yeah, that's true. How come just because there was one guy named Igor that helped Dr. Frankenstein out? Right? Was that it? Yeah, yeah.

I think it's still a very popular name in Russia. Yeah. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, it's like John over there. Yeah, my dad's name is Igor. My dad's name is also Igor. Yeah, maybe that's right.

I don't know. I don't have any facts about Russia. Yeah, there's a lot of lads, too. They didn't care that he was impaling people. They were like, that's cool. Yeah. You know what's weird is one time I did a stand-up show uh out east and uh the whole group of the audience were students from transylvania oh yes and none of them knew

vampire stuff what yeah i was like you guys because it was halloween i was like this must be like your favorite night and they were like what is yeah they don't know that their most famous export is spooky they were playing dumb yeah but they because they were probably all them yeah sure what was the day was the sun out during this no no this is this is a nightclub that's the only club they go to they don't go to day clubs like you and i um would you go to a day club like you and i um would you go to a day club a place that had like 11 a.m dancing oh no do you go to nightclubs you don't go to outside of doing comedy you don't go out no no yeah i hated everything about nightclubs since i was like old enough to go to them do you remember the first time you went to a nightclub?

Yeah, I was probably like 19. And was it like, because I remember the first nightclub I went in, I was like, this is just like whatever movie was out, Bad Boys. I was like, this is just like that scene from Bad Boys. What club was it? The one from Bad Boys. Oh, yeah, sure. You went on the Bad Boys tour?

Bad Boys. Oh, yeah, sure. You went on the Bad Boys tour? Bad Boys club tour? But I think I got tired of them, like, in that calendar year. I think that I was done with clubs. So I don't understand how people have, like, they go out every weekend. That's what they do on the weekend. Do you think that there's, like, they go to a club and they're like, hey, it's so-and-so, and they all know each other? They treat it like it's a club. Like, this to a club and they're like hey it's so and so and they all know they treat it like it's a club like this is a club that we belong to yeah yeah but all we do here is dance and fight yeah and coke um so what else is going on with you you've uh you've released an album. You're getting hitched at the top of a mountain.

No. And I got a dog. Yeah. Oh, you've got a real life cooking over there. I think that's about it. That's a pretty good. Are you. Do you need any advice about the wedding night?

Oh, yeah. Dave's been through that. The wedding night? Yeah. It sounds like you're offering sex advice. It does. I think the biggest thing we have to figure out right now

is the catering because that seems to be like the most expensive thing so far. Just get a food truck. Get a party sub. Oh yeah. Get a Dairy Queen cake.

David, I'll cater you. You show up with a party sub and three ice cream cakes on top of each other. We need $100 a day, plus expenses. Hope you like Dora the Explorer. Yeah, we just stack seven ice cream cakes. That's your wedding cake.

The wedding topper is Dora the Explorer and Iron Man. I mean, there's no better cake than an ice cream cake. They melt so fast. You'd have to wheel it out right, like, people can take. I'll have three guys

standing there with the. With what? Blasting it with the whatever. Like Freon? Yeah, what do you call that stuff? Liquid nitrogen. Just with liquid nitrogen guns. And so when you go to slice it, do it in just space.

Like the T1000 you think bad idea? no no no good idea if they stand far enough back it'll just chill it a bit chill it the most yeah like wedding's very

very expensive to put on is her parents paying for all of it? I think that's rude to ask. Oh, is it? I don't know. I'm just asking traditionally. It is traditional.

I think our wedding will be paid for a combination of her parents, my parents, and her. Because I have nothing to offer. What about the dog? Is the dog going to kick in? Maybe. Have you considered selling tickets? Yeah. Oh, that would be kind of, it would be like you have like one of those boxes like at a hockey game or whatever.

Tonight's ticket buyers are all from the Boys and Girls Club. You know what I'm talking about? No. Sometimes at a hockey game, they'll be like, the box was given away to. Oh. So, you know, you keep them separate from the family, but then they get to party up and everything. I would do that. If there were weddings you could buy tickets to on like a Saturday afternoon that you could just go.

Just public, like open to the public? Yeah, you buy a ticket and have dinner and dance. And you're heckling the speeches. Yeah. This is boring. I don't know him. Or you could do a thing where you invite people, but for a few extra dollars, you can get the premium package.

Oh, that's the right idea. There are people you know where they can upgrade. They get to do the first dance. They get to cut the cake. They get to catch the bouquet. Yeah, they're guaranteed to catch it. And you can just have a bouquet launcher that launches it into the crowd so like eight different people can all catch a bouquet like also we're not doing that you're not doing no bouquet no garter

the garter the garter was is always i thought was just like very sleazy a very weird sleazy i've never been to a wedding that had it i've only seen it on america's funniest home videos have i ever been to a wedding that had it i don't think so but yeah maybe i'm just thinking of it from a movie that i saw and also for the woman is she wearing that thing the whole time because it's not holding anything up well in the old west a gun yeah um no i just it doesn't seem like it's necessary. And the whole. It symbolically says, my wife is now unarmed.

Yeah. The bouquet toss, like, I like to avoid, like, anything that could possibly cause an accident. And I just think of, like, a bunch of women in heels, like, jumping for some flowers. Yeah. For a symbolic reason. It's just like, broken ankle, broken ankle, broken ankle. I don't think I've been to a party that had that either. I've definitely been

to a wedding where they've done the bouquet. I've even been to a wedding where the bride and groom do that thing where they put the arms around each other

and feed each other cake. Nice. And a lot of times, like I've never been to a wedding where they smush the cake into the other's face. We're probably not going to have a wedding cake either.

What? Wedding cake is the shittiest cake of all. Well, it depends on where you get it from. No, it's just garbage. I've never had a good one. It's wrapped in fondant, which is like. Oh, yeah. They do go a little wild.

Sugar wax. I don't want to eat that. So what are you going to do? We're going to link arms and eat a hot dog. Oh, yeah. There's no reason Dave and I can't cater to this. If that's the plan, then we can do that. What about a hot dog cake?

Oh, that's pretty good. I know about that hot dog cake. It don't even mean a thing. Or a party hot dog. What's that? Yeah, what's a party hot dog? Like a that? Yeah, what's a party hot dog? Like a party stuff? Oh, like a giant hot dog.

Oh, yeah. Eight feet long. Oh, boy. We'd have to go down to the hot dog factory and be like, can you make one long, like, don't link it. Don't make sausage links. Just make one continuous, like, huge, long hot dog. I'll strap it to the roof of my car.

I went to, what was the last thing I went to maybe a soccer game or a hockey game and I didn't like the looks of any of the hot dogs I saw and they had a foot long and I was like I'll get the foot long and it really is a foot long and it does look ridiculous the bun is only about 8 inches long

it hangs out the sides oh yeah there must have been a time when people thought, like, this is good value for money. Look at how much extra meatwad on each of them. I'm on Atkins. Yeah, I just eat up to the bun when I throw the rest in the trash. Bun technology has not caught up with hot dog technology. No, it really hasn't like the uh i remember was it like in the 90s that they started

selling buns that were cut across the top instead of at the side so that you could just like plunk a hot dog in the middle of the bun didn't last very long but i was like it seems like a pretty good idea i mean yeah i don't remember that yeah I don't It was like A very short time And I remember Having one And being like This is new And I like it

I remember Subway They do it from the side But they used to do Like a They cut out the top The canoe cut Yeah

Canoe cut I love it And I remember being In line behind someone At Subway And he requested The old cut And I didn't know You I remember being in line behind someone at Subway and he requested the old cut. And I didn't know you could do that. The confidence of this guy.

I'd be afraid if I went into a modern Subway and asked them for the classic cut. They'd just probably call the cops. That's what I asked my barber for. Give me the classic? Yeah, give me the old Subway cut. You've had the same hairdresser for a long time, yes? Yeah.

And I'm going to propose. Are you going to do it in a fun way? Yeah. You're going to put the ring in your hair? I'm going to ask her to shave. Will you marry me? Into my head. She'll know what's going to happen

halfway through. Dumb. Dumb as rocks. How about you? You got a long-standing hairdresser barber? I almost never get my hair cut. Really? It looks like it's cut. It's not gigantic and flowing.

I just break down every four or five months and just go to any barber and be like just cut it all off i don't want to talk no talk because i just wear a hat every day right right yeah so like you but you don't ever go to the same place twice no wow so you'll just be walking by a place and be like now yeah because the haircut i want is just like one step up from a buzz cut basically that's basically the classic yeah and so every place can do that they just put the number one guard on the thing it's good how much they charge for that like 15 bucks or something dave and i could do it for cheaper. Meet us at Dairy Queen. Cover up the cakes. I do all my business out of the queen.

Now we have two types of haircut. Hot eats. Cool treats. We can give you a Dora the Explorer cut. Dave, what's going on with you, man? The other day, I went to Chinatown, Abby, and the baby was out at a class or something. I don't know where the baby was. Oh, hanging with a friend.

She's going to night school. She'll be two this weekend, so she's no longer the baby. She's a little person. Yeah. Yeah, she carries, she's got her the baby. She's a little person. Yeah. Yeah, she carries, she's got her own backpack. Yep. So cute. Adorable.

That's what makes you a person. Yeah. Well, it is true. Until you wear a backpack, I'm like, what are you? I can't relate. And so we decided to go for lunch in the middle of the day. We never get to do this. So we went out to a restaurant, a wiener restaurant in Chinatown.

Oh, really? Yeah. It's called Bestie. It's a sausage and pretzels and all kinds of German goodness. And hand-based foods. Yeah. Yeah, okay. With forks.

And we parked the car, and it's about a block away from the downtown east side, which is, for people not from here, it's the poorest neighborhood in town. And there's a lot of homeless, a lot of drug addiction. And we got back to our car, and a woman walked up to us and said, someone hit and run your car. Oh. Or hit and ran. And I went and I looked and yep, someone had. Oh. And I said, oh, did you see it?

And she said, yeah, I saw the whole thing. And I said, oh, great. Did you get the license plate or anything? Yeah, I got the license plate, description of the car. Like, oh, that's awesome. Thanks so much. And then she was like, you help me out? Yeah. Oh. The old detective like, maybe I don't remember so well. And she had a sheet of paper with all the stuff written down and I was like, oh.

Yes, I can help you out. Yeah. And then I remembered, I don't carry a lot of cash. Right. Except, now, I can help you. Yeah. And then I remembered, I don't carry a lot of cash. Right. Except, now, I'm letting people in on a little podcasting secret. Here we go.

This is something no other podcast does. When someone comes to do our show, they get a crisp $50 bill. You bet. Canadian 50 too, so it's that nice red.

Mm-hmm. It smells like maple syrup maybe. So I open up my wallet and that's all I have. Oh no. And I was like, I did say hello to Mr. Mackenzie King. Maybe Mr. Mackenzie King can refresh your memory.

Oh, boy. And it's always on the cop shows. They never make change. But it was a woman. She was a grandmother with her grandkid and i so i didn't feel bad no but i was at the beginning when i had parked the car initially i was thinking like oh well i have this app on my phone that can pay for parking so it's so convenient that i don't have to like take a bunch of change out in front of everyone. Right. And then it came back. And then you see her get into a car with a big streak of the same paint on her car. Just laughing. She drives her boat away.

Oh, boy. So I called up the insurance company. Yeah. And I said, I have this information. And I've never, like, I've had my car hit and run so many times. No one ever leaves a note. Yeah, it's crazy. Hit and run, the psychology behind that, it blows my mind.

Like, sometimes there's a tiny little dent on my car. And I'm like, I don't know if that was there before or it's new. Right. So, how would someone who just dented my car and i'm like i don't know if that was there before or or or it's new right so how would someone who just dented my car know sure but if someone like wipes white paint all over the side of your car and your own paint is peeling off it's pretty clear what's gone on yeah so i call up the insurance company and i've never done this before like had the information for them and the woman said the type of car, it was an Impala. And it was, she knew the license plate number. And when I called up the insurance company, I was like, I have these two pieces of information.

Can you match them up in your computer? And the woman was like, I sure can. And so I said, here's the license plate and here's the make and model. And she was like, you nailed it. Oh, cool. So it felt good. That's awesome. 50 bucks well spent.

Yeah. And that D-bag, the thought that they got away with it, totally didn't. In a super like urban area where there's tons of witnesses. Yeah. Wow. Like what? And then what happens? Does the insurance company go to them or they send the cops or they will send the guy a

letter. It seems like he can probably maneuver out of this somehow. Like, well, I better get my car fixed before they send a followup letter. Oh, wow. Yeah, I've had cars in the past that were dinged and stuff, and same thing. Never a note, nary a whisper. Monsters. Monsters.

You? Hit and runs ever? I don't think so. Yeah, and I know people who have been hit by cars that then took off. And that seems pathological, that you would hit somebody and be like, I gotta get out of here. Unless you have priors.

Oh yeah, two strikes and I gotta get out of here. The last time it snowed really hard in Vancouver would have been a bunch of years ago. Four or five years ago. But I remember I was driving to Tawasin and I was coming up around like 33rd and Knight

and there's this like bendy part of the street there and like four cars in a row that were parked on the side of the road had just been like totally smushed by a vehicle.

Like someone had just come by and just ruined four cars. And then just kept going. That could have been me or the guy before me. I don't know. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Well, yeah. One of the comedians in town, Patrick Malia, years and years ago was like run over by somebody in a crosswalk. And the person got out of the car and said, you're okay. And drove away like it was a casting a spell on him you're okay i heal thee i've been reading this book you're okay i'm okay you're okay that's why they couldn't stick around they had other people to heal that's fair enough i mean if you did have magic healing powers,

I would get to the wish hospital. And he was okay. Eventually, yeah. I mean, after a lot of rehab, he was fine. Yeah, also that person was like a prognosticator. You'll just use a cane for a long time. Yeah, but you'll eventually

be okay. And you'll look back on this story and laugh. Or not. Anyways. Beep beep. Oh, but you'll eventually be okay. And you'll look back on this story and laugh. Or not. Anyways. Beep beep. Oh man. Yeah, so that's what's going on with me. Well, I'm sorry your car got hit. Yeah. I'm glad that you got some justice. It happens all the time. Really? Well, how many

times has your car been hit? I think let's see, three times that I've had to get fixed. Oh, wow. But in 10 years. Still, though. But twice in the last six months.

Oh, boy. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, maybe this $50 karma will turn things around. $50 worth of karma. Maybe this will refresh your memory. What's going on with you, Graham? going on with you graham um well in the past uh week um yourself and myself went uh we did a thing at a uh it was called petra kucha oh yes uh where you it's kind of like um like a mini ted talk

and with the accompaniment of uh slides oh cool and so d Dave and I, we're very silly. We're two silly men. Yeah, we're two silly men with big hearts. So we did a thing about, we used to do a segment on the podcast called Stuntcasting. Okay. Where we would recast famous movies or TV shows with modern day actors. Yeah, okay. famous movies or TV shows with modern day actors. Yeah. And so we just showed 20 slides of that and talked about that.

But everybody else on the show was very, very earnest. Yes. We were the only ones that weren't. And it was, I thought it was very funny. That's great. Yeah.

It was fine. Yeah, it was fine. We need to open ourselves up to saying no to more things but it uh uh you know it's all like these entrepreneurs and stuff and they all went on some trip that made them want to do a thing and it was all very you know and then we got up there very silly um and then two silly men yeah we're two silly men and then uh earlier this week uh we dave and i and alicia tobin and and a bunch of people from vancouver all went to go see past guest uh cam mccloud's oh yeah fringe

show how was that it was good yeah yeah it was fun he's uh he's got a lot of hands well that's what i was gonna say is uh i don't think i've ever seen dave wince more than i spent half the show like yeah covering his eyes with my like glasses on my forehead so my hands could cover my eyes and it was just it's it's uh cam m, past guest. The show is called I Had Sex Until My Heart Stopped. Yeah. And I thought it would be more stories about sex. Yeah. And it was a lot of stories about his heart stopping.

Oh, really? Yeah. And kind of a lot of near misses in his life. So does his heart stop a lot? It's three times it has. Yeah. Oh, wow. And it's a condition that can get exacerbated by alcohol or too much... Banging.

Too much banging. Not enough banging. You have to hit the perfect amount of banging. It wasn't too much banging. It was the alcohol that... But then one time, nothing caused it. Yeah, that it just happened and uh and uh yeah but and then his heart just goes so fast and it can't pump enough blood that they need

they need to reset it and yeah they have to they literally have to stop it they give him a shot that stops his heart and then they defibrillate him back to life yeah that's crazy yeah and uh that so it's that kind of stuff like the stories were all yeah super funny yeah they were really funny parts but when that came i all i tightened up yeah i and i uh i don't think i've ever seen you like that you were very it was like uh it was just like raw concern it's like because i'm a good person that's true and people don't get that about me because i'm a bad person you haven't lost your empathy yet no not yet watch more fail videos watch videos of people getting hurt oh boy i mean now that's comedy if i i i think if I had no empathy, I'd be so successful.

Yeah, it was. But like then I was, you're not, are you a squeamish? Yeah. Are you a squeamish? Yeah. Like I don't like blood or anything like that. I don't think I like blood, but I also don't think, I't think if it makes me want to pass out or freak me out i was a first aid attendant at an old job for like a week and this is like the story already

no because i did a week's worth of first aid training to get level two first aid which is basically being able to deal with everything except for evacuating people from like uh like remote locations. Oh, okay. And so I did all the training and everything and I passed. And then like my first day being a first aid attendant, someone got cut and I was just like,

Nope. Right. Cause everything's, everything's imaginary when you're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Or everything's like black and white pictures. You're like,

Oh, this is fine. And then the first time I actually had to see blood, I like yeah that's one of those things where because i grew up in the early 90s when video games started having blood in them and it was everyone all parents were up in arms about it didn't make me like blood more yeah there was that's the other thing about uh like have you ever done cpr class you ever had to do that yeah um and it's all very clinical in the you know because the dummy doesn't have barf all over it but most times if it's somebody unconscious they've probably got barf whose barf is this oh that's mine i left a note did anybody see anything oh i saw it maybe i did maybe yeah

where'd all this extra barb come from Where'd all this extra barf come from? Do you remember in the early 90s all those video games where people barfed? Yeah, like Sub-Zero would barf from overexertion and just come out and freeze Pretty good.

Yeah, not bad. Slipping on a barf. Do we want to move on to overhearts? Sure. Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported in part by Tommy John, the solution to uncomfortable underwear. Now, we got some of this. Yeah.

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Some kind of blend? What are we blending here? Some sort of space age polymer. Nope. 100% cotton. Just regular earth material. See, the founder of Tommy John used to wear old-timey undershirts from the 20s. So scratchy.

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I guess probably around the same age. And then did you ever change again? No, but I'm open to the possibility. But are you still boxers? I have got different pairs and different area squares. So this is like a boxer brief. That's right. This is the marriage between. And they have different cuts of them.

But the ones they sent me, it was a little longer than I'm used to But unlike what I normally wear At the end of the day The thigh wasn't all stretched out Because I've got a very athletic bod Yeah that's true I thought you were also showing that off yesterday What a show off

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Back to the show. I'm Barbara Gray. I'm Brandi Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. We're Lady to Lady. Do you want a sleepover in your ears? Is that a friend in your pocket or are you just podcast to see me? We're a portable hangout you can bring to the gym, on the subway or on an oil rig. Seriously,

we have listeners who do that. Show with us while we get high with Margaret Cho. Talk showgirls with Katya from Drag Race. And hear Broadway star Anthony Rapp sing Hamilton. I am not throwing away my shot. I am not throwing away my shot. Hey yo, I'm just like my country, I'm young, scrappy and hungry and I'm not

throwing away my shot! That's Lady to Lady! Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. Why would you listen to a podcast of TV pilots that never got made? It must not have been any good, right? I don't know for a fact that anyone read it. They couldn't get a deal done.

It was kind of a regime change. Someone at the studio who was in a decision-making capacity said these guys seem like losers they just blamed it on okay well it must be women we got word that usa had decided to stop doing comedy why aren't we making this it was so good here the tv comedies you never got to see on the dead pilot society podcast listen on maximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Overheard. Overheard. But first,

we got some mail. We got mail. We got mail. Don't forget about the mail. We've got some mail. Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good song. Now, this stuff came a couple of weeks ago. I kept forgetting it at the house.

And now, I don't know who sent the we got sent some Entenmann's crumb cake, which you may know from the television show Seinfeld. Do you remember Entenmann's? It was the coffee cake that Well, it wasn't Drake's coffee cake. Oh Do you remember Entenmann's? It was the coffee cake that... Well, it wasn't Drake's coffee cake.

Oh, right. Entenmann's was... Entenmann's was when Elaine bought the cake. The royal wedding cake. That she kept eating. And so then she replaced it with a cake. Do you remember this episode? No.

And they had to get a cake appraiser to come in. Yeah, and he said, it's Intimid. You get it at the end of a grocery aisle. At the end of the aisle. So, the person sent a whole box. I only brought three just in case. Did they send a note as well? No, just the box.

And even on the shipping thing, it didn't say an address. It just said from the states. Oh, that's weird. Because it was from a parcel place. It was like the address of the United States Postal Service. Huh. So if you send in the Entenmanns, drop a line. Say, and thanks.

And I can bring over more of them because I have a whole case. They're good. Are they? Cinnamon-y. Oh, that's good. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's really nice. If you want to send your American food to us, tweet us or write us and we'll send you our address.

Yeah, we got a post office box. This is really good. Yeah, can we pause the show and just eat these for a little while? Yeah, sure. Do we get any other mail? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We got a package sent to us.

It doesn't, maybe there's a letter inside, but it's from magictrickstore.com. magic trick store.com um oh it is a it is a set of candy canes that are gravy flavored because on the box it did say gravy candy but it didn't say gravy candy canes yeah oh do you want me to check out the ingredients? Yeah, I want to know if it's made with like Beef stock Okay Ingredient number one, beef stock

Ingredient number two, blood of animal Beef stock is my wood stock Sugar, corn syrup, water, citric acid Artificial roast beef flavor. I assume if it's artificial, it's not real. Mm-hmm. Uh, yellow number five, blue number one, red number 40, and titanium dioxide. Okay, I'll try one.

Well, why don't we, we don't want them to go to waste. No, no. So I'll open one and we can all. Break off a piece. Yeah, break me off a piece of that gravy cane. Pretty good. I'm going to give it a quick suck. Okay, so

Kyle won't even stink. It's a problem. Did you bite some? No, I smelled it and it was horrible. Yeah, it stinks. You know who I bet would love this? Grandpa. No, this is a fail it was horrible. Yeah, it stinks. You know who I bet would love this? Grandpa. Yeah. No, this is a fail. I lost a lot of empathy today.

It doesn't taste like... It tastes sweet. I don't want... Can we stop? I don't want... I don't know what this... I don't know what the flavor is. Yeah, let's stop eating it, though.

I don't want to have to edit out all your sucking sounds. Gross. Yeah. Murder that person. Don't send us joke food. Well, I mean, I'll eat it if you send. Oh, the sender is Mike G, says here in the corner. Thanks, Mike G.

Thanks, Mike. Oh, yeah, now that I'm tasting it after, it does taste like gravy. Thanks, Mike G. Thanks, Mike. Oh, yeah. Now that I'm tasting it after, it does taste like gravy. But it's sweet. It's like sweet, sweet gravy. Yeah, I would sprinkle this on mashed potatoes. I wouldn't eat it as a candy cane, but I would. Oh, that would be a fun way to, I don't know, ruin a thing of mashed potatoes. Yeah.

All right. Now it's really time for overheards. And Kyle, you know how this goes. We always like to start with the guest who just polished off a crumb cake. So good. It was so good. Hats off to Mr. and Mrs. Entenmann. I'll bring the case over.

Oh, good. I need more calories in my diet. Well, you know what? We can start with Dave and come back around. No, I have a good one. Okay, here we go. So, it's not really, well, it isn't overheard. It's a thing I heard, but it was from someone I was sitting at a table with.

Okay. Okay. So, this is a story about the little boy who's going to be the ring bearer at our wedding. Oh, fun. We were out having brunch with his parents. I was hoping you hadn't already decided on who would be doing that, but yeah, I didn't realize the auditions had already happened. Sorry, Dave. That callback was just to make you feel good.

I thought you were going to save it for your best friend. So we're sitting there having brunch, and he's like three and a half years old, so he kind of doesn't eat very much and gets kind of bored, right? Doesn't want to sit through a grown-up brunch. So they pull out like a tablet, give him some earphones, he starts watching Transformers. And he's watching it for about like five, ten minutes. I wish I could do that during brunch.

Yeah. Guys, I'm bored. Just pull out your tablet. More than meets the eye. But so he's watching Transformers for like five, ten minutes while we're just having, you know, a regular conversation. And he just pops his headphones out and he looks at his parents and he goes, do robots have penises? Okay, he's the ring bearer. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. Yeah. He's for sure going to do something real fun on the day. He's for sure going to do something real fun on the day. I remember in the first Transformers movie, one of them does relieve themselves on a person or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it the little trickster Transformer they meet on that junk planet? Who does pee?

Or is it one of the Dinobots? I don't remember. Yeah. The Dinobots weren't until the most recent one right no the dino bots were in the original um transformers movie not the well you're talking about the cartoon yeah yeah i was talking about the the first shia labeouf one oh don't talk about those abominations to me what's weird is in the third one, John Goodman plays one of the robots. And he's always smoking a cigar. But what?

Robot smoke? Yeah, what are you getting out of that robot? Yeah. I mean, what is a human getting out of it? I guess it's a stimulant. It's to make me look cool. Cool bot. The other day I saw a guy with a cigarette and a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. Double cool. Cool bot. The other day I saw a guy with a cigarette and

a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. Double cool. He does that thing where he spins the cigarette around his mouth. Oh boy. Do robots have penises? Philip K. Dick? Do robots dream of

electric penis? Sheep penises? Philip K. Dick? Of course electric penis? Sheep penises. Okay, Dick. Of course he would write about robot penises. Dave, do you have an overheard? Here's one. I was at a little market on Commercial Drive where they have fruit on the outside and groceries on the inside. You're right. It's a grocery mullet yeah sort of fruit in the front packages in the back uh and uh it was very busy there was a long lineup and this teenage girl walks in from the outside and goes in front of everyone in the line and says, just points outside to her little brother eating blueberries out of a bin.

You know, just out of one of those little baskets you can buy. And she says, yeah, my little brother just wants that basket of blueberries. Can I just pay for it? I'm sorry to cut in line, but, you know, it says it's $2.99. I'll give you $4. And the woman behind the counter says, no, it's actually $2.99 a pound. So you have to bring it in and weigh it. So she does, and she gets to go in front of everyone. And she

comes back and weighs them. And while she's having them weighed, she realizes what's going on and how this must look and she says to the person next to her in line sorry i must i'm being a bitch aren't i and then the uh the woman weighs them and says oh they're 495 and the teenager goes what 1495 this is some bullshit and the woman repeats herself um no 4.95 oh oh sure i'm sorry what is wrong with me yeah i'm being a bitch aren't i oh fuck you oh boy yeah the uh uh is that like where you go into the store with the basket or kind of like the blueberries in a box and then they just dump it in a plastic bag?

No, no. And then sort of like a cardboard basket-y thing, a square. And then you have to keep the basket? Yeah. Because some stores, they'll just dump out the basket into a plastic bag and then you've just got this like plastic bag of loose blueberries. What is it? Like buying a third world bottle of Coke and you're going to drink that out of a bag? You know what?

If you started up in one of the cool neighborhoods, a place that sold Coke in a bag, that would go over so huge. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good idea. Drink it like you're a hamster. Yeah. A whole hamster themed cafe Or yeah, or cocktails

Oh yeah, totally Yes, well, our cocktails are $22 But you can drink them out of a plastic bag And for an extra $4 We can hang it on one of those IV stands Do you have an overheard? I do, and mine also concerns The cutting in of a lineup.

I was getting on a flight, uh, leaving. I was coming home from America. I was in Chicago. When was this? This was, uh, on your way back from Nashville. Yeah. Okay. So I was in Chicago and I don't know why in Canada we haven't adopted this policy, but you know, you get the zone on your ticket. Uh, I want to get in the zone, Brittany, the, uh, line, they have different, uh, lineups with the number. Yeah. Um, in the States, but I've never seen that in Canada. It's just they'll call out the zone and then

you have no idea if that person has that zone or not. So everybody was very patiently waiting at their zone number and then they called zone one. Zone one went on and boarded the plane and then they called zone two and then this couple just wandered up and started

checking themselves in and the lady behind me was like doing that, like making those noises. And I think it would have just ended there if the lady that was checking her and said, oh, you haven't signed your passport. You need to sign your passport. So then it's finding a pen and she's good. And nobody else is allowed to check in while this lady is doing it. And the lady behind me, the noises are just escalating.

And then she's had enough. She goes, well, I guess these lines don't mean anything. And the lady's walking onto the boarding gate. And the lady behind me goes, well, just goes to show you, all ladies that wear purple are crazy. Like yelled at. So that the lady can hear oh yeah sweet revenge that's pretty good purple is the color of the mentally that must have like got her adrenaline running like oh i'm gonna say something it's gonna get her it's gonna get her goat I better be ready to fight In the jetway

Um yeah it was like And then And then I thought about it and I was like Maybe there's something to that purple Purple theory Sure what's her face from Breaking Bad The only one I can think of Prince

Well he's not a lady Speaking of zones Is Pizza Hut still like a p-zone The only one I can think of? Prince. Yeah, sure, Prince. Well, he's not a lady. Speaking of zones, is Pizza Hut still like a p-zone? I don't know. I never had one. I feel sad. You can just ask for your pizza to be uncut and I just fold it over. That's what my description on Craigslist says. I'm looking for a pizza that's uncut.

Well, that hit Kyle in the right spot. Yeah. Killed me. That got him right in the laugh zone. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people around the world. If you want to send one in to us, send it in to sby at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from ellington l long time listener yes i was at a restaurant in sacramento and there was a family of three being

welcomed by the hostess as the parents herded their seven to ten year old boy into the restaurant the hostess was confirming party of of three? The parents verified this, and a look of complete disappointment and confusion came over their son's face as he exasperatedly blurted, Oh, God, this is a party? Oh, man. Like he wasn't ready. Oh, look what I'm wearing.

Well, we got to be here for a while. It's going to be toasts. Have you ever been to a party outside of a wedding where there's been toasts? No, me neither. I don't think I've been to a party outside of a wedding. Not even a house party in high school where the parents went away

and we got the hot tub? Not many of those either, though. Yeah, I didn't. Well, the thing was, I had a lot of... Did you say we rented a hot tub? Yeah. In my head. This was a teenager whose parents goes away for the weekend, so he rents a hot tub.

And someone comes up and sets and fixes the, fixes the plumbing. So, I don't know. Like, don't you just have to fill it up once? Or is it continually water coming in? Oh, I don't know. Kyle, your hot tub knowledge. Don't put your head underwater. Oh, right. Oh, yeah.

Because you'll see everyone's penises. Yeah, you'll realize you're the only one in there wearing a swimsuit. This next one. Everyone's robot penises. Must destroy. This next one is from Douglas W. Walking through the park with my kids, I heard a great one from my middle son. We strapped a picnic bag over our two-year-old boy's shoulders

so he could help out with the load we carry. For his benefit, not ours. The bag was empty, which is very cute. Here you go. You're helping. Five-year-old son. Oh, cool. He looks just like Elvis. Me. Elvis? And then the five-year-old says oh cool he looks just like elvis me elvis and then the five-year-old says yeah he could carry all his arrows and bow in there so this kid thinks elvis is robin hood good oh they had a lot in common well they're both fictional characters they both lived in sherwood forest yeah they both could you could only show them from the waist up because of their sexual dancing.

Kevin Costner played both of them. Didn't he? He played an Elvis impersonator in one movie. And Robin Hood in another movie. Kevin Costner? Yeah. It's called Something Something Graceland. A Thousand Miles to Graceland? Kurt Russell?

It might be Kurt Russell. That movie had... Kevin Costner was in it and A Thousand Miles to Graceland or something like that? It might be Kurt Russell. No, no, no. That movie had Kevin Costner was in it and Kurt Russell was in it. And, oh, David, no. What was the guy who was married to? No, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox for a while. David Arquette? David Arquette, yeah.

Oh, boy, what a cast. It's something, that's one of those movies I saw in movie rental places for years. Yes. It was maybe even in the cult category. There was that, and then there was another one called Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Sure. Do you remember that? That Kurt Russell as well?

Mickey Rourke. Oh, and Sylvester Stallone. And Don Johnson. Okay. What was the other one? What was the Bruce Campbell Elvis movie? Oh, Bubba Hotep? Sure.

You know who I don't care about? Really? Yeah. Not even when he shakes his hips? Nope. That didn't open up a whole sexual liberation for you? You hadn't seen hips like that before. That's true.

You'd only seen JFK's hips. Sure, and then he was the first guy to take a hat off his hips. This last one comes from Kelso J. From Brooklyn, USA. I was walking my dog when I passed by a mother and her son. The boy was about eight years old. She said to him, no, you couldn't breathe. You were floating in fluid in mommy's belly.

You can't breathe until you're born. The boy replied, definitely floating in fluid. I don't remember that. It would be so cool if you could. Yeah. Highly dubious mom. Just like prison. You're just like, oh, when I get out of here.

Yeah. You've got marks, marks on the wound. That's what the, that's what all the poking is. Yeah. Wait, someone was here before. Oh, I got a brother or sister. That's all I need. I, yeah, I wonder about that as a, as a father.

What, the memories? Well, just what it's like, because apparently, I mean, light gets in. I guess. But not, not much. Right? And it's, you're, you know, you're, it's inhumane really. Yeah, it's true. Because you can't keep, like humanely keep animals in a cage where they can't turn around.

Yeah. Yeah, what are we thinking? Maybe that's why we're so okay with putting chickens in coops. Because we're like, we all came from a human coop. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 1-844-SPY-POD1. That's one. Ugh, SpyPod1. Like these people here.

Hey, Dave. Hey, Graham. Hey. That's a guess. Anyway, I'm calling in with an overheard. I was sitting at home listening listening to some Mark Kelly with my girlfriend, like you do, and she turns to me and she says, isn't this that guy that wrote that song about peeing in the closet?

Really got the lines crossed there, but... Yeah. He didn't write a song about peeing. No, no. He just... Well, maybe all of his songs are about peeing. You know what I mean? You don't think he wrote a song about peeing on his album Chocolate Factory, do you?

Did he really have an album called Chocolate Factory? Yes, he did. Did he keep writing... He did a moving tribute to Gene Wilder. Did he? No. Did he, uh,

uh, continue writing that stuck in the closet? Cause remember it was like, yeah, I think it had like, it kept going, like he kept writing it and writing it. And it was like 14,

five minute songs. And, but then I think he maybe even did like a, another. Yeah. was like 14 five minute songs and but then i think he maybe even did like a another yeah like it was gonna be a full musical or opera that's crazy i love it yeah he's a he's a complicated man that r kelly i yeah i love that you can get something like that done in this day and age yeah yeah maybe like i don't know if somebody do you think somebody new school could get something like that done? Or does it have to be somebody who's back from the album era?

Oh, right. Everyone's just waiting for that EDM drop. You can't get Tiesto to make a... You can't get Tiesto to do anything. Yeah, oh boy. Sweep my floor, Tiesto. Paint my house. Here's your next phone call.

Hi, Dave. Graham. Hopefully, possibly hilarious guest. This is Matthew Wong from Toronto. I'm calling in an overheard that I just took a part in while checking out at a rather long grocery store lineup. Just as I was getting ready to leave, overheard the woman explaining to her, probably about two-year-old son, very briefly, sweetheart, that's bread. It's used for making toast. I mean, it's not used for much else.

Holding sandwiches. What are the primary ingredients in toast? Hot. Bread. And hot. Bread and brown or black. Yeah. You know, like I had the shittiest toaster ever at my place for a long time. And then this new person bought a toaster and brought it in.

And it's just changed my whole, I'm toasting all the time. I'm having two pieces of toast a day i feel great so you have a new roommate yeah you the old roommate slow to move out yeah uh ended up uh like moved out many days into the month yeah and then was sleeping in a van outside of the house for several days after that. Great. But as the van moved down the street now? The van is gone. Okay.

Was your old roommate Emma Thompson? But why? Did Emma Thompson live in a van? She's in that movie Lady in the Van. Whoa. Isn't it Maggie Smith? Isn't she the primary next? So not only did we go for an obscure reference starring maggie thompson uh emma thompson's mrs magorium's wonder important yeah she was married to kenneth brando um not ringing a bell. She was in, uh, English patient? No. Is that Kirsten Scott Thomas?

I don't know. All I know is the lady in the van is Jewel. It's the story of Jewel's life. That's right. Well, and also, uh, Cody from Step by Step. He lived in a van in their backyard. He's a virgin. Oh, yeah.

Those are the two character traits. Dumb, virgin in a van. Oh. How did he think he was going to change his status as a virgin by living in a van? He was a proud virgin. He could have had plenty. Yeah. Oh, that's true.

He could have punched his V-card any time. Final overheard, guys. Here it comes. Hi, Dave Graham and a wonderful guest. This is Casey S. in Toronto with an overheard. I was walking around work at around lunchtime and we were, it was a hot day. So people were talking about how hot it was and walked by a group of girls, and the one girl, the only thing I really caught was,

the one girl said to her friend, she said, it's not really even hot, it's just the sun. Yeah, if it weren't for the sun, if we got some of that moon heat. No, the moon cools it.

It shoots you with one of those guns i've imagined um yeah i uh i don't know i don't know i don't know how uh the sun heat thing works i don't know i could pretend i know but i don't it heats the planet. I know, but why is it? Is it because we're closer to it for a part of the year? And that's why in summer it's hotter? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. No, it's the axis of the Earth. Yeah, we're on an axis.

And we're closer that time. And then farther away the other time. The Earth's axis is tilted. Yeah. So as it rotates around the sun that's a like it takes a year to do that well if they vote in trump he'll straighten that tilt that's one of the things he says he'll do he'll do it and so like our our part of the planet for half of the year we're like um dark side of the moon we're picking up more of the sun and then the other

half we're picking up less of the sun Why can't we fix that? Who's going to promise to fix that? It's not a circle, it's an ellipse Listen You want to watch me draw a circle? It'll be really oval shaped Yeah

Isn't that right? It's not an actual circle Okay What's your twitter handle? Kyle's Bottom Oh, yeah. It's not an actual circle. Okay. Okay. So we've solved the problem. What's your Twitter handle? Kyle's Bottom. So any corrections? Send them.

Kyle's Bottom on Twitter. Yeah. Now that brings us to the end of the show. You've got a new album out. Yep. Called Album. Album. You'll find it on Bandcamp.

Yep. Is it kylebottom.bandcamp.com? I think so, yeah. Cool. And also coming up at the beginning of October, you're going to be a judge. Oh, no. So if this episode comes out on the 26th, the roast battle in Vancouver is on the 28th. Okay.

So it's two days after this episode drops. Yes, though. And yes, I'm judging the roast battle at little mountain all of the people roasting are um vastly unqualified to be insulted by me so oh yeah it's gonna real real really break some break some hearts you're gonna test out your empathy yeah well i don't have any empathy towards comedians oh right oh they should all be euthanized oh well but then then who will send in the clowns the comedians send in the clowns yeah that's right um and uh uh anything else you would like to plug uh no i think that's it all right uh tickets for your

wedding go on sale yeah January 1st set a reminder on your phone and then you gotta do the optional upgrades to having a meal bar access check check check you get to select your seat yeah yeah and table

you get to select what position you are father of the bride sure that's not all it's cracked up to me i know it's gonna be sad i'm gonna cry it's gonna be expensive oh yeah exactly um and uh who's the bride and father of the bride she was uh curly haired yeah curly haired lady? Yeah, curly haired actress from the 80s. Not Calista Flockhart. No. She was the daughter in The Birdcage. Oh, right. Roughly the same. And then also, was Martin Short in Father of the Bride?

Yeah, he was the wedding planner. Him or Bronson Pinchot? They couldn't get Bronson Pinchot. He's locked up in that perfect stranger's contract. We've got live shows that are happening uh we're at the edmonton up and downtown festival oh yeah oh yeah yeah that's on october 7th that's next week your time oh boy huh and then the next day we're in saskatoon we've heard nothing about anyone in saskatoon buying tickets to this show. Yeah, if you

live in Saskatoon, what else is going on on Saturday night? What else is going to be happening Saturday in October? Also, if you live in Regina, if we don't have a good show in Saskatoon, we're never coming to Regina. So you make the drive.

And also, later on in October, we'll be in Victoria, BC. Oh, in the spooky time. Before Christ. Yeah. And yeah, if you like the show, you should head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. It's Transformer

peeing on something. If I can, God help us. Let's see, what else? Entenmanns. From Cakes. The Entenmann scene

from Seinfeld. God help us. And, you know, the garter. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The sexy garters

throughout history. And what? the board game yeah what and yeah if you want to leave a review on iTunes if you like the show

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